The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #306 - Eddie Bravo

Episode Date: August 5, 2015

Eddie Bravo, Owner of 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu , joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   The Fourth Eddie Bravo Invitational takes place August 15, 2015 at the Orpheum Theatre in Los Angeles, CA.   All info can be found here: http://www.eddiebravoinvitational.com/   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey for a box on them.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 08/05/2015.
   Music:
 You Better Run -  Pat BenatarI Was Made For Lovin' You - Kiss

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And they're also offering free shipping in the United States and Canada. And go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech immune, shroom tech sport, and strong bone. It's code word church to get 10% off. Oh shit. August 5th, 6th. I don't know what the fuck of it is. Don't matter.

Oh shit. Little patty beef for here. The church of what's happening now. The blind Jew Eddie Bravo It's a beautiful Wednesday afternoon And the best thing is You better run, cop-sucker

Uncle Joey's here What? Let's do this shit What's up, dog? You got to be really high You made one of your, I don't even know what you call it The sandwiches with the weed and the Does it matter?

We just smoke. It doesn't really. We just smoke. We look around. I've stopped asking questions. To answer your question we're talking about off-camera there. I get a thousand requests a week for guests. I don't know half these fucking people.

I don't know them. I don't know what's going to happen once I get them in a... For sure. If you don't know the guests. I don't know these people. But people that you're like, who are your favorite people? Right. Reaching out to your people you want to interview whether the world listens or not, people that you just want to talk to. Now, like in Joe's case, Joe loves this podcast. Joe loves doing J.R.E. He fucking loves it. He enjoys it. He goes in there. He takes his fucking new brains.

And he fucking talks for fucking hours. You understand me? He likes that shit. But I'll tell you what. The first time Joe gets a call from a publicist and they tell him that their actor is running late. So you've got to remember, a lot of people want to come on here

and they want to promote a book or something. It's not a TV show. This ain't fucking the Tonight Show. This ain't fucking the Tonight Show where, hold on, let's go for a clip, and you got to giggle and you got to look at the host and make believe you give a fuck. about Martians or whatever the fuck movie you want,

that's the difference with a podcast. I don't want to have to do that. I don't want to have to do that. It's kind of like the same approach you take to sponsors. Right. Like even, let's say, I don't know, Zach Galfinakis wanted to come promote a movie on here. Maybe you take him, but you know what I'm talking about,

someone who you might not be a huge fan of, or even you might not just connect with, even though it would be a good get for a podcast, it probably wouldn't be a good podcast. And you have a nice story? I'm into fucking story. I want you to come in here with a fucking story for me. You know what I'm saying?

That's what, and a lot of those people, and I know Joe, you know, I tell people all the time, man, when you sit next to Joe on a plane, which you've done, that's the best conversation you get with him. And we know how he is. I know how he is, and I'm the same way. I don't tolerate half these motherfuckers. I want to come in and, you know, if it's an actor, like a popular actor, you know what time, and this is what's going to happen. They're going to call it for.

They're running late. They're coming from the west side. I don't give a fuck. Where are you coming from? Four o'clock is fucking four o'clock. So we already know what time it is on Jump Street. I know by the email, if I get a publicist is hitting me up,

I don't want to talk to that motherfucker. What if Joe Pesci wanted to come on? Then I'll put him on. But I have something in common. I like his movies. You know what I'm saying? I know his story. I was telling somebody the other day

that one of the purest comedy films that you'll ever see is easy money. Because, yeah, trains, planes, and automobiles is a funny fucking man. movie, but they're two trained type of guys. What's his name?

John Candy was in that Canadian improv troupe and fucking what? Hasn't Steve, whatever Martin, been in? He's done a bunch of shit. He acted before and stuff. Joe Pesci was running a restaurant when he got the fucking call for Raging Bull. Did you know that? He was running a fucking restaurant.

He couldn't even believe De Niro was on the fucking phone asking him. He couldn't fucking believe it. He was running a restaurant. What do you think he was? At Juilliard? jumping up and down doing fucking ballet or taking an acting class in Los Angeles he's a real dude what was Rodney Dangerfield doing

Rodney Dangerfield was the reason why Rodney Dangerfield hit so hard was because he wasn't hitting and he got a job he got a job selling aluminum siding or some shit but for those seven years when he wasn't doing comedy

he wrote all those fucking jokes he wrote all those one-liners so when they knocked on his door he already had 10 notebooks So every time you saw Rodney, the next 10 appearances, he had six new minutes of material. People thought he was fucking, this is amazing. And not just material. Shit that was killing you.

But the point being that, guess the hard, Eddie. Guest the very fucking hard. Guess the, it's hard. It's hard doing this. You know, 50% of the times they cancel, they want to talk about something fucked up. They want to bring in a midget. They want to come in costume. I don't want that.

They want to bring in a midget? Well, whatever the fuck they want to do, you know? I like interesting people. I'd rather get a fucking, that black homeless dude by my house is the most interesting guy in LA. He won't take money from me. How many times I tried to give that dude $5 and say, dog, go get a lunch. It's fucking 90 degrees and you're sitting under this tunnel. And I've been with the babies pushing around the neighborhood.

And I try to give that. That guy won't take a cent from me. Listen to that guy's etiquette when he speaks. Next time you're on Chanling, you see a black guy pushing a cart between Laurel Canyon. and like fucking violent pull over off of that guy a $10 bill what's his story he was a fucking engineer he was married i talked to him one day and i'm like i get it i get what this guy's doing he just wants to shut out from the world his wife died he just turned his lights off from the world no communication sounds like uh a movie with denzil washington which one

no oh i'm just no it dog it would be because i've had i haven't seen them in about two weeks. He's always by the park on Magnolia and NoHo there where we go for the trucks on Thursday night. He's on the other side. He cleans up and there in the daytime. He's got his little shopping cart. He's always dressed

well. His fucking hair. He has no body odor. He brushes his teeth in the water fountain. He just turned himself off to life. That guy's more interesting than some guy coming in here telling me, you know, dropping names and shit like that. I don't want to hear that shit. I don't want to fucking hear that.

That shit. Not at this point in my fucking life. This is why podcasting is so good and podcasting is so important. This is why? Because how many times can you watch Jimmy Fallon? Even though I like Jimmy Fallon. People knock Jimmy Fallon. He brought some fucking air into that 11 o'clock spot.

He really did. People got mad at Jay Leno, but, I mean, what Jimmy Fallon is doing a great job. I mean, they would have kicked him off if he wasn't doing. I think he's doing a great fucking job. I think that now at least the show's fucking bubbly. It's not three guys. sitting there looking at each other, make him believe like I'm fucking interested.

You know, after a while, you can't make believe you're interested. Jay Leno had so much money at the end. I can't believe he was interested. He was a fucking sleeper. And the other guy was just too fucking old, even though there's got to be an age. That's what it is? You think he was too old? Letteman at the end?

He was four years over his time period. Letterman should have left. And he was making money, guys. He's making $8, $9 million a year. 20 fucking years. You put away some type of fucking dough. I don't think so. What's up with you, Tarzan?

You're sitting there all depressed like some fucking statue, like a jihitsu statue. You know that someday there's going to be a jihitsu statue of you? Did you think about that? You really fucking think. The first time you went to John Jock's,

did you ever think that there would be an EBI? No. Okay, then what the fuck? I didn't think that I would be teaching Jiu Jitsu for a living. It was like the furthest thing

for my mind, you know? It was all about music, man. I was 32, 33, and 10th Planet wasn't even a thought in my head. And it wasn't until I quit my job at the strip club that I had for 10 years to write for the man show with Joe. When I did that, I thought, oh, shit, you know, here we go. Here comes the big time. I told everybody, I was like basically delusional. I thought, you know, fuck this strip club DJ job.

I'm out. It's time to blow up. I'm going to write for the man show. And then from day one, it was a nightmare. From day one, I thought, oh, shit. I fucked up. I shouldn't have quit the DJ job, man. From day one, there was so much bullshit.

You experienced all that shit. And that's when I started really analyzing what the fuck I was going to do. I thought, man, this show is going to get canceled, and then I'm not going to have a job. And I'm going to be 33 years old without a job. What the fuck? You know? I was never suicidal, but I understood why people hung themselves and jumped off bridges and shit.

I understood that shit. I would never do it, but I understood. I'm like, wow, I'm 33 years old. And all I had gone was that I had a free trip to Brazil for Abu Dhabi. That's all I had, you know, I was going to go compete. But I against a bunch of black belt legends. I thought I was just going to get crushed anyways. But that was the only bright spot in my life.

In three months, I get to go to Brazil, and Joe was going. Joe went, and I didn't know what I was going to do when I got back. I knew the show was going to get canceled. There was no way that show was not going to get canceled. It was terrible. And the head writer was a complete douchebag. You dealt with them. I don't know if you ever talked about on your podcast.

Me and you both were in that man world or that man show fiasco, that nightmare. And I went to Abu Dhabi, tapped out Hoyler, and came back. And I really didn't think it was going to be a big deal because I got crushed the next match against Leo Vieira. He completely smashed me, shut me down. I win the Super Bowl, but then 45 minutes later, I get it all taken away from it. It's like someone gives you a million dollars, and you know that million dollars is going to get taken away, because I knew who's next, and I was already worried about him. Like, holy shit, this guy's a fucking animal, Leo Vieira. Oh, shit, I was very, very worried. Where's Leo now? He's teaching. He's the head of checkmat

Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, yeah, he's very, I don't know where he lives, but I know there's a checkmat in Lahabra, Lukash Leic, he runs that one. I don't know where Leo Ver is exactly. Maybe he's in Brazil. I'm not sure. Lucas Lathis? Lucas Lach. And is that the guy does that sweep?

Lucas Lace your sweep. He does a lot of half-guard trips. He plays a lot of half-guard. He probably has a million half-guard sweeps in competition. What was it like going to Brazil? Because the last UFC was in Brazil, and you can just, I don't know what they're saying, but you can hear them chanting when. never the Brazilian is doing well.

Yeah, they do that. It comes from Brazilian jiu-jitsu matches, I think, or maybe. It might be a soccer thing, but when I went to the Worlds out there in 2000, this was three years before as a Purple Belt, man, they get together, and they have some chance. They bring drums. They don't just watch. They bring congos, and they're playing drums, and they got these songs and these chants

and shit. Yeah, they're pretty intense, man. How could, I mean, like, in your fighting, or, people always say jihitsu player, but your match is against, like, trying to go play baseball against Babe Ruth, it seems like. Yeah, yeah, and they're playing those fucking drums. And, like, how are you, how do you even warm up? You're like, yeah, I'm going to psych myself up while I can hear their fucking drums and war chants. The weird thing was my very first match was against a black belt in that tournament, and I beat him.

He never brought any heat on me, and I beat him pretty easily. And that gave me a lot of confidence, and I knew Hoyler was next. And generally, anytime I see someone that isn't as strong as me, they're skinnier than me, that gives me a lot of confidence. And I feel like, man, the odds are that you're skinnier than me. I feel mentally that I could beat you pretty easily. So before Hoyler, you know, I looked at him on the other side of the mat. And I just saw the skinny guy.

It was my hero. He was an idol of mine. That's Hoyler Gracie. Gracie in action tape. She always, you know, he was the most aggressive. I loved Hoyler. But I felt that I was stronger than him. So, but real quick, I found out that I was wrong.

He was stronger than me. Even though he was skinny, like, he basically controlled me the whole match. I think I scored. Maybe I swept him once. And I don't know if I got points. I know I swept him once, but I think it was before points counted. I forget. I think they were counted.

And then at the very end, Out of my ass, I pulled out a triangle setup that Jean-Jacques Machado, my master taught me. And it was so unconscious, I didn't even know how I got him. I had to watch the replay. And I'm like, oh, that's the setup I use. I didn't even remember it happened so quick. And I beat him. So Joe Rogan's going nuts.

We're walking backstage. And the walk backstage after that match is all on video. It's on YouTube. And Joe's freaking, I go, dude, you just tapped on Holy Gracie. He can't believe it. And I'm walking. I'm thinking about Leo Vieira's next. It's like I already knew because in the Abu Dhabi before he went with Jean Chalk,

and John Jock beat him on points, but he couldn't tap him. So that freaked me. I'm like, man, because Jean Jock wrecks me. And I thought if John Jock couldn't finish that dude, that dude must be really, really good. So even though I beat Hoyler, I was already thinking of my next match that was like, they're like, dude, you want a million dollars? What are you going to do? And like, if you knew that someone was going to come take that million, like some gangster,

and you owed a million, you wouldn't be that happy, even though you won a million dollars. So that's the attitude I had. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I tapped one other, but, man, Leo Verra's next. He's going to kill all this. He's going to destroy all this happiness, man. It's like winning the Super Bowl and you're in the locker room,

you know, drinking champagne, and they go, dude, you got to go out and win it again. You got to do it again. That's how I felt like, fuck, I got to, it didn't really mean that much. But when I got back home, people made more, were focusing more on that, and how big of an upset it was and this and that.

And Larry, you remember Larry, he said, dude, walk off that show. That show was making you crazy. They're going to get canceled anyways. Walk off right now. I'll help you buy mats and we'll open up a school. And I thought about it. I'm like, fuck, yeah. That's what I'm going to do.

I fucking walked off that mad show. I quit. I called Joe and never forget that phone call because he really fought tooth and nail to get me in. They didn't want to hire me. That was where the root of the problems were. They didn't want to hire me. Joe made them hire me. Joe fucking forced them down their throats,

force me down their throats. Me too. Yeah, basically, same thing. Oh, my God. So just to touch on that. The Man Show. Do you, when you, I mean, you were a Dave Chappelle show fan. From the beginning?

From the beginning. From the beginning. So when you heard, because most people heard all these rumors, When you heard that Dave Chappelle had a beef with Comedy Central, you already knew how hard it is to deal with these people. Yeah. How hard, like that. Most people, oh, he's on crack.

He's this, he's that. He went, and I've always said this, that, you know, a lot of stand-ups, like Tim Allen. Tim Allen's a fucking stand-up. Never take that away from him. Yeah, he had the TV show when he was goofy and all that. But there's a fucking showtime tape from early on when he does a bit about going to the dentist

and eating Oreos and sour cream. and fucking he ties his mouth up at night so when he goes to the dentist birds fly out and shit there's a fucking bit and you know he was on blow he went to jail he came out ABC gave him the show and after a couple years he went to rehab you know he got all fucked up again and I heard to the great it's it's you're a comic you're a fucking it's like right now okay ABC wants to do a show about jujitsu and they come in and they throw a lot of money at you and the first season is a successful show. I don't know what the fuck it's about, Eddie.

It's just you, Jujit, two, eight fucking contestants in the house. They drown each other. Whatever the fuck it is. The show hits number one. Now, number two, they come in. The show's already number one. It's the success, Eddie Bravo, number one show of the summer. Oh, my God, eight o'clock slot on a fucking Thursday night.

Tremendous. But all of a sudden they come in, they start telling you shit. They start telling you what you can't do. We don't like the Camaro when you pull it back in your. your leg goes up because it's a sexual position. Can you not do Camaras no more? I'm just making this shit up, but you understand I'm trying to say to you. Absolutely.

The first year of that, you'll take it. You'll take it if you have nine fucking kids and you're behind the eight ball. You'll take that fucking money and you'll swallow your pride. And more and more every day you become, what type of apprehension do you hold for that job? You fucking hate it. Every day when you pull in, you're parking in your parking line. You got to think three times before you go to fuck in that. That's what happens to people.

Most people don't have the boss to say, I'm not doing this no more. It's over. Like Zombo. Remember the episode of the Munsters with Zombo? When Eddie Munster busted a mountain, Zombo said, I quit. You did me a favor.

I didn't want to do this anyway. I'm a fucking actor. They got me dressing up like a monster. That's what happened to Chappelle. They brought. Same thing. I never believed none of those stories. I knew that he was a comic genius,

and they sent some kids in there to tell him what the fuck to do. Yeah. And eventually, you're like, what, bitch? Wait a second. I'll go on the road and shut the lights out at every venue because he can't. He demands that he's that fucking funny.

Why is he going to put up with them? It takes a lot for somebody to walk away from a fucking TV show. It takes a fucking lot. And you knew what a disaster was from day one. I never saw more hypocritical motherfuckers. That's the first time I learned about what hypocrisy really was. I knew it existed. It's like racism.

You know it exists, but nobody's ever called you a spirit. And then one day some of these true colors come out I hate all you Spanish motherfuckers Me, I don't get pissed When somebody says to like Trump I love Trump I don't give a fuck if he hates fucking Spanish people That's his fucking problem

I love him I love what the fuck he's talking about He's challenging people He's fucking up the mold They don't know what to do with him They don't know what he's scaring people Every day they wake up and go This fucking guy's number one

And he's fucking insulting everybody Because he's telling the truth He's fucking talking craziness What was I talking about? I'm stoned I have no idea I'm not sure Anyway, that's the truth.

Dave Chappelle. No, no, we're talking about those networks. Who the fuck want? It's like us doing this for a network right now. Do you think we could get away with half of this? No. Do you think we'd get away with smoking a joint or topics or whatever? Go right back to being what the fuck everything is.

Cookie cutter. But that was a horrible fucking day for me that day. Yeah. I remember the whole day. I remember them bringing me how much they were going to pay me. And me going, me giving it to Joe's man. It's like, I don't want that. He's like, yeah, that's what they're going to pay you.

That's entry level. What? I'm taking my clothes off and running around naked for fucking three bills. Are you fucking crazy? And finally, Joe's like, okay, I'll take care you out of my pocket. All right, and then we'll run around naked. But this number is fucking low here, dog. They wanted you to start the man show with you running out on stage naked

and then saying, let's get the party started. Yeah, and then you run off. And that was Joe's idea. And that's hilarious. and they didn't want to do it. The producers, the executive producers, the comedy central heads, we're filming this show live.

I'm one of ten writers. We're there on the side and we're watching this all unfold. And they're having a meltdown. They're like trying to, they're trying to just start it like a normal show where I guess they just come out, you know, and the crowd's yelling

and they're pointing out to the crowd. And then, you know, they wanted them to do just the normal thing. And Joe's like, no, Joe put his fucking foot down. Because they told Joe that before he signed, that he wanted to make sure he goes, if I signed, he's already on Fear Factor. He was on Fear Factor.

There was no reason for him to do The Man Show at all. He's on NBC. Why the hell would he do The Man Show? Well, me and him wrote about 20 sketches, and our plan was it's somehow like pitch a sketch comedy show like a Dave Chappelle show. Me and Joe wrote a bunch of sketches. So Joe calls me up one day and says,

hey, dude, guess what? The Man Show is going to keep going without Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla. and they want me to host it. He goes, what do you think? I go, oh shit, we can get all our sketches. Fuck, yeah, this is perfect. So Joe was like, we did it, we did it, we're going to do this.

So Joe thought, but Joe sat him down and verbally got agreements. Like, if I do this show, I want to have absolute power to veto any sketches and to push all my sketches through. I want to hire whoever the fuck I want as a writer because we want to hire. Mattie Kirsch, Chris McGuire, and me. And maybe a couple other guys, too. those are the only three. He had like five or whatever.

Right, right. They had to put one of that guys in, and then they gave him the head writer. Well, the problem was, the problem was, and he goes, and I want to be the guy that hires the head rider, I want to okay that. So they tried out a couple head riders,

and Joe was just, they were just like telling Joe whatever he wanted to hear, whatever he wanted to hear to sign. So finally he says, fuck it, he signed, and as soon as he signed, everything changed.

Everything changed. But the thing is, before he signed, he did pick the head rider. That was Tom Giannis. And that was, Joe, they went to dinner and Joe O'Kid him, said, that's a cool dude, I like that, dude. He could be the head writer. So that guy ends up signing in his contract that he got an executive producer spot too.

So not only is he the head writer, but he snuck in an executive producer spot. So he had power. Now he has a lot of power. He has power to move Joe around and tell Joe what to do. So all of a sudden, Joe is in the man show. He did have the power to hire his, partner, they were like, they even suggested,

Dane Cook, and Joe picked Doug Stanhope, obviously, that was, you know, they're really good friends. And, but once he signed, man,

everything changed, man. They were like, they didn't want to hire me. They go, okay, let's go. And he goes, we're going to hire, Chris McGuire and Maddie Kirsch,

and that's it. And goes, what about Eddie Braffin? Because, that guy has no TV experience. Like, he doesn't have any writing. He goes, Joe's like,

wait a minute, we have 30 sketches. You know, we wrote them together. And, uh, they said, No, we're not going to hire him.

And Joe's like, fuck you. And Joe got crazy with them, crazy on the phone, yelling at him. I'm like, dude, I'll fucking walk off this goddamn motherfucking show. You think I don't want one to fucking walk out? You guys fucking lie to me. You guys fucking lie to me. You're hiring Eddie Bravo, and that's fucking, that's the end of it. And then they finally decided, okay, okay, okay, hire this motherfucker, and we'll just ignore them.

So they hired me. And, man, from day one, I got like the cold shoulder from everybody. Day one, day one. And they wanted to go, they put us in rooms. I was in a room with a couple riders, and they go, the subject today is Miami. Remember we're going to go to Miami? Oh, those are the worst sketches of all time.

They put me in a pool with a raft with naked women, and we were swimming in Cuba, and a pool with a beard. It was a pool race, and they were going to shoot the other thing. And then in Miami there was heat. Then in Miami there was beef, because the directors wanted me to shoot something. But Joe's like, you ain't shooting it.

You ain't shooting it. I'm like, but no, you ain't shooting it. This is my fucking show. There was heat from every level. We had a great time in Miami. Then we came back and we had to shoot the shit down there. They called me at 10 in the morning, 6 o'clock shoot. Every fucking scumbag in the comedy division is there.

People that are still around. Everybody who was a scumbag in comedy was involved with this show. I get that. I don't want to look at nobody. And the whole time I'm thinking, how can I get myself? out of this. You think I'm kidding you the whole fucking time. Yeah. And I'm pacing and Joe's my friend and it's the last thing you want to do. I'm one of those guys that Eddie Bravo calls me because I want you to announce something.

I'll pay you $500. I have to do it because I never want to be laying in a room one night broke going, I should have done that thing for $500. So at that time I go, let me do this thing. And I saw a security guard, a black security guard at the end of the thing. And I went up to him like a man. I go, listen, it's Saturday. They, Doug, we can I smoke some refa? And he goes right over there. Nobody will say nothing to you. He goes, you mind if I take a hit?

And I got the security guard high. I didn't even think about it. It's what I do, man. If I see somebody lonely, come here. Come here. You're going to sit there with a fucking baton on a Saturday in this 90 degree. Come here. Let's make your time.

I got him high. And then I had to go back in the office, and everybody who came in was a douchebag. So we did a run-through with my clothes on. Like, they do the thing. I run through and that's it. And they're clapping and they're loving and Tom Giannis is telling me how he's going to fucking love it. This is the director now, Tom Giannis guys. And all of a sudden, more of these fucking douchebacks from Comedy Central show up,

the heavy brass who thinks that they fucking know everything and they don't know dick. They're just a bunch of Gentiles walking around scared like the rest of these motherfuckers. And the next thing you know, the chick says, no, you can't run down naked. and Joe's face got fucking red. He wasn't bald then, but in the minute the fucking follicles were going to come flying out of his head. He was pissed, Joe.

And I wasn't as pissed. Like, I'm like, thank God I'm off the hook. I'll tell you what got me mad. That there was a wall, like a very thin wall. And there were these girls dancing on the top. Remember there was girls dancing with like pasties or something? The juggies. The juggies.

Yeah, the juggies. Remember I brought that freak to audition that time from San Diego. Diego, the dick sucker. And anyway, son. That's right. I remember that. I brought a professional dick sucker, though. This shit was crazy.

Yeah, they had auditions for juggies. The one in, like, the convertible or something? Yeah, yeah, that bitch. That pulled the period. She pulled the fucking thing on, started masturbating on the couch one night. In front of three guys, we're doing blowing. She just pulls her period pat out. And just starts playing with a little pussy with the fuse.

She puts the fuse right next to it, the little bloody thing, like a fucking mouse next to that dirty bitch. This chick was a little bit. a freak with a capital P.H. But back to Tom Giannis. I'm sitting there and I hear Tom Giannis, who is a fucking great guy. At this point, I just met him and he's like,

Joey, we're going to do this. It's going to be great. You're going to hit it out of the park. Maybe we'll get you to do every show. He's a great guy. Guess I go to a wall, and I'm not a peeping Tom dog. I go to a wall and I hear him talking to the chick from Comedy Central. And she's going, he can't do it.

She's saying to him that Joey Diaz has cannot walk out naked. We will pull the plug, and he's like, I've told Joe a thousand times. I don't like the idea myself. I don't even want a fat guy running around naked. I don't like that kid. Right there, I heard him.

Now, my old school would have got him. I said, let me not say nothing. I don't say nothing. Nothing. He pops out. Hey, how you doing? Oh, this is going to be great. Now I got him.

Now he's talking shit. Well, guess what? Joe Sussman, everybody's fighting. It's horrible. There's people in the stands. We're 10 minutes away from starting the show. And I go up to Joe and I go, listen, I'm taking off my clothes.

Why talk about this? Don't talk. Don't say nothing. Just take off your fucking clothes. And I took off my clothes. I didn't even put the robe on. And I just went up to the director or whatever the guy. And I go, let's do this.

Let's do a run through. And they stood there. And I was balls-ass naked, 350 pounds, dogs. Of fat, no shape, no money. muscle tone, nothing. And I ran out there with my dick, Harry, the turtleneck, and did it and ran off, and that fucking place went bananas.

There was a bunch of kids. They went nuts. And now I'm looking at these, as I'm walking laughing, because I'm not laughing from what I did. I didn't think what I did was funny. I thought of the reaction of the audience and these fucking dumb fucks that wouldn't know, listen,

would I have a fat guy open up my fucking show? I don't know. But, you know what, man? at that time, what the fuck? It's the man show. Right? It's the fucking man show. What do men are?

Men are fat? They don't give a fuck. I looked and I saw all these Gentiles with suits on. Looking the other way? Looking the other way. But I saw 150 people on their feet yelling.

Yeah. And at the end, that's what comedy is. And that's what these motherfuckers have never understood. They want thought-provoking comedy. There's no thought-provoking comedy. When somebody farts, you giggle. Unless you're a fucking Mormon. If somebody fart, you always giggle.

If you fart by mistake, do you not giggle? Fuck yeah. When you fart in bed with your wife at night, do you not giggle? We all do, because you know she's got to inhale this, especially if it's a quiet fucking fart. These people were stone-faced, like they never, but the audience is the money. So now I make the turn, they give me a robe.

I put the robe on. I go to where my pants are, and I walk out into the fucking thing. And that's when I'm... Giannis comes up to me in the hallway. And I look him straight in the face. And before he could say something, I said, don't say nothing. I heard what you told, that cunt behind the curtain.

And after the shoot, I'm going to fucking tell Joe. And he goes, fuck you, you're fired. And that's why I took the swing at him. And he went down. And he ran to Sussman. You hit him? You connected him? You ran to Sussman. He ran like a little fag to Sussman.

Told Sussman and Judy Brown, all those fucking homes. that he was going to fire me. And I'm like, you ain't firing nobody. Joe's the boss of this fucking set. Get the fuck out of my face. Oh, please. You know me, I hate those people.

I live for them people to say, I just did Josh Wolf Show, and the same handful of scumbags were there. Just a different, same handful of douchebags. They're all a comedy click, and that's what they're, and they all lie and they talk stupidity. It's the same logical

fucking jerk-offs. So when I told Tom that, I heard what you said. No, don't know, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, I heard what you told that fucking stupid cunt. Don't fucking even think about it when Joe gets off. I'm gonna tell him, and that's when he goes, you're fired.

I threw like a kick out of him. I spit out of him. You know me, dog. And he ran. And then they wanted me to apologize to him. To keep my job. I'm like, I apologize to him. Sussman walking me off the lot. They threw me off the lot. That would make a great cartoon, huh?

But the guy was sitting, pouting. He wouldn't go back in the building until they fired me. He wouldn't press charges for me taking the swing at him. But then when I went over, I wouldn't put this, I'd call him a cunt. I told him you're a fucking cunt. What you did, you're a piece of shit. And they know now, you're a piece of shit. I heard what you said.

You're a piece of shit like the rest of these fucking mutts out of you. You're a piece of shit. And that was the end of that. I got fired. Yeah. And ever since that time, I'm not crazy. You know, I do that thing for Ari, but even that bothers me. When I go down there, they know not to say two words to me, and I won't say two words to them.

Last year, when they started giving me a little resistance, I said, no, I'm done. I'm not doing it. Tell them, Ari. I'm not doing it. And then they leaned up on me. I don't need the aggravation. Because if I go down and you say something to me, I don't want to hear. When I go into the Comedy Centralists, they don't even look at me any problem.

It's hilarious. But it makes no difference to me. I can't last what they think or whatever. Do you regret throwing the punch? Fuck no. I would throw it again and take my dick out again and run. down the man's show again. No, fuck no.

You know, we had rock or obesity in here. When the people came in and tried to fuck with prior that time in the dressing room, remember? And they told them that he was doing too much blow and the fucking people. You've got to stick up for yourself. Right. And when you stick up for yourself, you got two options. They might let you go because people in this town don't like when you stick up for yourself. You know, those people that have those long-running shows, if you go on those sets, they become

mummies after a fucking while. They got bills. They got a wife now that's had a certain way of living. Now they're in a hole. Now they got to take the abuse. Now they got to fake that smile every morning. This is so funny. This ain't funny.

This is garbage. I wipe my ass with half this shit. I went to see Mission Impossible, whatever they are there. I don't even know what the movie was about. It was fucking garbage. It was fucking garbage. Did you see what this fucking guy said two weeks ago? That cinema is the worst has been in 50 years.

And it really is. Yeah. It really is. When you go to a movie now, you walk out the movie. You don't even know what the movie's about. You're like, this is horrible. This is horrible. We get so.

We get it fed to us But after you leave there You're like, what did I just see? I don't remember a movie I saw the last two years Not a fucking movie Including Grudge Match Ex Machina was good

That was really good Ex Machina Somebody else told me It's like a Twilight Zone It's not a happy ending I like movies that I don't like comic book movies and shit Like that I ain't gonna go see no Avengers

I'm sorry about that I think Most of your fans probably like that stuff I can't fuck with it No no no Because they know I don't believe that shit The last one was so terrible

Listen, Ant Man, Scump Man, if you're over eight and you go to the movies to see that, do me a favor. Go to Kmart, get the gun, and shoot yourself in the mouth. Because I just can't tolerate no more. Then you feel, when you realize why you've got problems in your life and why you're a jerk off and why you're hanging, why your friends are jerkoffs. Because think of what you're going to see. Think of the thought you have in your mind. They're even going down there.

Even fucking going down there. The first five of those movies was cute. The first Iron Man cute. After that, stop. Stop. Batman was cute. Now they're coming up with heroes. You never even fucking heard of.

You never even heard of fucking Ant Man. I'm 50 years old. I don't know. What is the fucking Silver Surfer movie? Where's the black guy shooting people on a fucking skateboard? That's the movie I want to see. Fucking Ant Man. And then they get superheroes that these guys couldn't break an egg.

They couldn't protect themselves. They couldn't fucking protect themselves, man. Are you going to sell me something? When I watch Stone Killer with Charles Brum, I knew Charles Bronson could shoot you in the fucking head. When I see fucking Clint Eastwood, I know that on a good day. Clint Eastwood was shooting in the head. I know Bert Reynolds are shooting the fucking head if given the opportunity.

That guy was out of his fucking mind. I was telling Lee, Jeremy Remmer. Jeremy Remmer got an Oscar. For what? I was going to ask you. For Hurt Locker. No. He's not Oscar material. He's not Oscar material.

There's no fucking way. We don't even have Oscar. Oscar material type people no more. They're just fucking holograms. When I was growing up, you had fucking actors, James Francisus. He played a blind guy on Channel 7 named Marlow. Bruce Lee was his Kung Fu teacher.

You know that? A lot of people don't know that he was... No, that was... James Francisco was in a different show. Marlowe was the movie with James Gardner. I'm sorry. I like him. He's funny, but I don't get the Chris Pratt thing, to be honest. He's not me either. Half of them. Half of those fucking shit. He was on Parks and Rec. As a chubby dude, he's a good actor, but I don't like... As an action,

hero, I don't get it. I don't get half this shit no more, dog. That's why I go to Jitin through and smell balls and feet. Because, you know, at this point in the fucking game, I mean, I just can't believe it, that this is what's going on. And I love movies, guys. I grew up on movies. I'm fucking an immigrant.

You know, you dream. When you're an immigrant, you watch movies and fucking dream, man. That's your escape when you're an immigrant. You know, they can't call your names, you know. It's no pressure going to a movie when you're a fucking immigrant. You don't know the fucking language. You know, that's what part of being an American is. When people come over here, what's the first thing they talk to you about, people from other countries?

They talk to you about American culture that they've learned through watching our films. That's what highlights our fucking country, guy. You know, when you're a fucking Cuban and you have nothing, and all of a sudden, you're living in Cuban, somebody slips in death fucking death wish. He was a vigilante. I was thinking about how slow-paced death wish is. But he's a vigilante. Before that movie, I didn't know what a vigilante word was.

When I left down, I fucking knew a new. word. I learned a new word from a movie issue. I went into fucking fifth grade and said the word is vigilante. Bust that motherfucker. It always pisses me off how one that doesn't piss me off. I find it interesting that on TV shows,

especially TV shows, like, I don't know, there's 10 new pilots every year per studio, I don't know, let's just say 10? 130. Okay, how many make it? Like 10? Legitimately, they're looking for four. So yeah. So the

looking for four, and then out of that, how many shows only make it one year? A bunch. Only a couple make it to two, three, four seasons. And the actors always get shit on or the writing or the star. But from what I've heard and from what I've seen in Hollywood, the, what is the word, the producers and the studio people, executives, they get to stay. But they had all that input, but they don't get in trouble for a show failing, which is kind of weird. Well, they just keep rotating them. They just keep rotating these acts. Listen, I was looking at the 70s show. The 70s show comes on and have to Peppa Pig

on fucking whatever. And I was watching a 70s show. When you see the 70s show, it came out in 98, the episode I was watching, it was 1999. You look at a show like that. How many shows got put out that year? That was just the perfect show at the perfect time with the perfect fucking cast.

And I'm thinking that going, that's the time to get into television because you know what? You always have a job the rest of your life. No matter what happens. You just go from show to show to show to show to show, and they'll fail, they'll pick up. Who did they just give a new show to?

He's a grandpa. He finds the kid. He just got a fucking DUI in Beverly Hills. They gave him a show. Yeah, grandpa. Oh, yeah. What the fuck is his name? The Full House dude, right?

Yeah, nice guy. I'm not saying nothing bad about him. Bob Sagitt? No, the handsome dude. John Stamos. John Stamos. You know, they give you shows, and these are people that have been on TV,

when you have a, especially when you have a good, like, what's his name? Bob Saggle will be on TV the rest of his life. He had a successful show. He had two successful fucking shows. That's a TV family. They'll use you to host anything. You're better than me.

You're better than Eddie. You're better than you and Lee. Not because he's better than us, but because it's a recognizable face. You know who just got the hosting gig on my old show of America's Funniest? The Carlton from Fresh Prince is going to host that now. Which one?

The American's Ones on videos. And he hasn't worked in 20 fucking years. I know. You spend, you know, I'm saying so. once you're in TV at a young age, you'll always work on TV if you stay active and if you stay on top of your age. If you're on a hit show, you've got to let it breathe for six or seven years, you know, and that's when you do short films and you produce stupid shit, you do YouTube videos,

and you do a podcast, and you keep that fan base that you acquired on the show, you know? Fuck we talk about this. This is why I hate eating animals, liar. How long did it take you before you, how much? How many years were you doing Jiu-Jitsu before you went to Abu Dhabi? Nine. Is that like prodigy type stuff? No.

Nine. How long does it take? I mean, it's like being a headliner, jihitsu. It doesn't matter how long you take it is. How many hours you put on the mat? Yes. You know what I'm saying? You could be on the mat eight days a week and get a black belt in five fucking years

or, you know, the obvious, whatever the fuck it is. So it's the same thing like headlining. So you went to one of the most prestigious. It took you nine years to go to one of the most prestigious. I won the trial. the North American trials. Okay. In 2002 and then in 2003.

They invited you. October, 2002, I won the trials and then the show was until May of the next year, 2003. So in between the time, I won the trials and I actually went, not until May, that's when I quit the strip club for Comedy Central. And I was the most depressed

that I've ever been in my goddamn life. I had a live, that was my boss on a day-to-day basis that dude. The dude that you dealt with. I'd have to deal with that shit. You know, but... It's crazy. Television is very fucking tough.

You know, it's... And people think you just get a job when it's easy. I can't imagine being on a TV show for seven years. I could never imagine. That's why I'm not on the show. I would love to do a season on the show

like Jimmy Smith does. He just goes on shows, fucks him up for two seasons. Takes a year off and goes back on another show. That guy's been on television since 1984. He got killed on Miami. Vice in 1984 in the pilot Jimmy Smith's the second scene of Miami Vice pilot that's 84 that's 31 years correct yeah 31 years of television two other shows that were NYPD blue

LA law all syndicated fucking shows he made bundles on that he had a third show they did Dexter the sons of anarchy for three seasons I mean that guy they just put him from fucking And show to show to show. That's a great career. His pension's going to be great in sag. He's got great insurance. I wish I had his fucking insurance. He didn't have to do nothing, and he gets the insurance.

Because it's 31 grand. You get that in residuals, probably. He gets that residuals. $31,000 is when he gets mailed to his house per quarter probably in residuals. That's the light of it. I guarantee he gets 30 a month from residuals. Think about that shit. If he don't do dick, 30 a month, times 12 is what, 360?

Yeah. You're watching any of those shows on HBO or Showtime? Like A True Detective or anything? No. You don't watch that? I heard that it's bad this year, though. The first half of it's bad, it gets better. It starts to get better.

What is it? Do you think it's because of the, there's no censors? Because I just watched the Sopranos, which is great. The wire I just am finishing right now. Like, what is it? Because there's still executives for all those big channels. Do you think it's like the... They could take their time.

And HBO, they got bigger balls. And I don't know. I mean, it's hard to, I think, if you're asking why they're successful, I think there's no limit. They have, you know, they'll get sexual, people like that. They'll get super violent. You know, do they show the bullet blowing the head up? You know, people want to see that.

And when you're doing a movie, I think within an hour and a half, you just can't tell a compelling story. You just got to put it all together so quick that you don't buy it. But when you have a whole season to get it all out, you can take your time to set things up more and take your time, make it more believable, I don't know. I just think it's crazy how much of a role the executives play. And so like if someone was being an executive for your act, Joey,

and you getting a special depended on that person, in giving you good notes. And that must be really frustrating for the people whose career depends on and it's just some asshole giving terrible notes, but no one's saying no to him. Well, that, it's a win,

type win situation. Sometimes you mix them with a good producer who knows this shit, you can't cover. You know, sometimes you, you meet people that are just fucking egos, man. You know, in this town, I remember when I did Spider-Man, too, there was a dude on there with white hair

that was just a bad motherfucker. He talked to people. I'd see him. picking shit up. And this guy was old. He was fucking 60-some years. I'd see him picking shit up and carrying shit. At the same time, I know people were kind of scared him.

One day I asked him on Spider-Man 2. I go, who fuck are you? Because my name is Joe Chichorelli, whatever his fucking name was. He goes, I'm one of the executive producers. I go, how long have you been doing this? He goes, I was an AD in fucking, like some movie from the 60s. He goes, I was also a first unit directing the Pope of Greenwich Village. I mean, so you follow me, he's been around.

When a guy like that talks to you, that's dirty fucking years. He knows the shortcuts. He knows where to fucking do this. You can't do that because it's going to cost you too much for a car. It's going to blow up with flames. You know, you got to get a license for that. If we do it in North Hollywood, you can burn the whole city down. They don't get what, you know what I'm saying?

Right. Like they have different experiences, things for you. But if you watch the shows that are cutting edge, those are the producers that you want to work with. The Oz's, the wire, the people that sat there and go, I don't know, but somebody was like, fuck it, let's do it. Let's stab a fucking black guy and chop a Chinese guy in half and call him a fucking chink and let's take a chance. And you're like, no, it's never been done. It's going to fucking be done.

Those are the shows that are fucking tremendous. The breaking bads. You know, I guarantee there was arguing on there. There's always an argument when you get notes. The Sopranos, I told you, I read one time that they were going to cancel the show episode six of the first season when he was going to kill the kid up in college because they didn't want the boss of the family to shoot some. body. And David Chase, I'd argue it's 2000. Everybody's shooting people now. It's not like the old days that the

boss gives you a note and you go fuck that. Everybody's doing dirty work now. And they did it. And HBO got pissed, but they fucking showed it. So it's the guys that pushed the envelope that changed the game a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit fucking more, you know? Do you think it would have changed like now

if Rogan did the show now? The Man's show? Yeah. Oh, it would be completely different. You think so? Well, it depends. Look at the Josh Wolf's show. CMT late night show you couldn't say nothing couldn't talk about Riefer it's a late night show

who do you think watches this show people that are 50 my age no people of the 20 that want to giggle that are smoking fucking Riefer you know nobody has a Riefer show yet at midnight nobody that's the show A Riefer show

Reifer at midnight somebody QVC it'll fucking break the computer it'll break the TV Look I'm a fat fuck I have nothing to offer you and look how many people tune in to me smoking a joint

just talking shit for three minutes in the morning people come up to me on the street today at one of the black belts at Higgins the widest guy in the world popped over when I was on my back and said I love the fucking periscope I turn all my clients on to it a fucking white dude that don't even curse in the fucking class

okay you understand me people want to see two guys pop up at midnight boom with a fucking bomb what's happening The day's events. What are your numbers now with Periscope? A couple thousand. Four thousand.

Nice. Four thousand. Monday and Tuesday they were slow. But four thousand. Watch a fat guy smoking. They're probably on the other side smoking with me. That's what people want to do. How many college kids would go home at 11 or midnight?

And watch two fat fucks eating Doritos smoking dope with a bun, talking about the day in the fucking news. That's as simple as it gets. And that's got it. Somebody's got that show in development. They just want to see who's going to go first. You know, in that 70s show, they used to sit in a garage and smoke weed. But they would never show it, but you'd see the smoke. Right, yeah.

I'm talking about two. Like a real show. A man show today would have to have ref it. And you'd blow up the TV. People would be pissed. It's the end of television. A cable network is eventually going to do it. Sci-fi.

Eventually, you know, eventually they worked like Will & Grace. They brought in like gay characters and stuff. So eventually the stoners are going to make it. If the gay guys got through, the stoners are coming for sure. Just going to take time. Yeah, I don't understand how they don't have a sitcom. No respect for stoners? Has any sitcom put a weed store in there, rotation, except Sonsa Anarchy?

Not that I know. The guy owned the weed store. Well, you know what? That was that show, Weeds? What about that one? But that went somewhere different. That got terrible. Yeah, I got crazy.

Crazy bad. That was a show that could have been on for 20 fucking years. two suburban moms selling weed from their fucking house Season 7 they could have bought a weed store and got legal They could have done it No, there was Mexicans and fucking people having kids What the fuck are we doing here? I want to see a show about two bitches

Selling weeds and the struggle of being single moms You know, meeting fucking people in alleys with a gun and shit You know me, dog I want to see some fucking two white chicks I want to see a chick with a tattoo who has a boyfriend Who's a truck or who beats her And she's selling pounds of weed to get away with it You know what I'm saying?

Like making $100,000 a fucking year, selling pounds of weed online or whatever the fuck. Something interesting. Something that's really going on today. I saw blow last night. What did you think? Oh, man. I mean, I saw it when it first came out, but I forgot everything. It was before I had a kid.

And now everything I watched that has any kind of tender moment with a kid, man, I start crying, man. I really do, man. I was watching Hangover 3 and Hangover 1. The baby was like not even 1. And Zach Galapinakis would have the baby and his little front pack. thing and then by Hangover 3 he saw the kid and the kid's like three and the kid goes

to Zach are you my father? And he says yes and I'm watching it with my wife and we're looking at the screen and I had so many tears coming to this is Hangover 3 dude I'm such a pussy. I had so many tears coming down in my face and my wife makes fun of me for crying she really thinks I'm a pussy so I didn't want to

wipe my tears off because then she would have saw in her peripheral so I just stayed there and just let them air dry and shit so that she wouldn't know that I was crying in Hangover 3. So I'm watching a blow. And remember at the end when it was all about his daughter? And then he's in jail.

And then he's like imagining that his daughter's coming to visit him, like out in the yard. And I remembered everything. I'm like, man, it's different now that I have a kid. I had to get, I had to get. My wife was there and I got up and walked into the kitchen. She goes, where you going? This is the end. I already seen this.

She goes, you're a big fucking pussy. You're about to crack. Oh, no, no, no. I want some cookies. I think it's almost over anyways, but really, I couldn't take it, and I didn't want a tear in front of my wife. I went to the kitchen, dude, and she busted me. She knew exactly what I was doing. You ever see the champ?

You ever see the champ? Yes, but when I was like Penn, I think. It was on about... Was it Ricky Schroeder? Ricky Schroeder. Put that on. He came to class once a couple times. What should I put in the search?

What scene is it? I don't know. Kid and John Void. It's one of the best kid father scenes of all fucking time. That's a great movie. I watched 25 minutes of it in Chicago. Why are you trying to make me cry, man? You think of this one?

The final one? Let me see. Damn, dude. The final part of the movie? No. Saddest movie in the world, right there. Dude, and while it's happening before I got up and went to the kitchen, I'm thinking it's just Johnny Depp.

He's an actor. This is just a movie. I'm trying to think of the grips. There's cameraman. This is not real. That's not his real daughter. You know who that fuck. The chick is, right?

Which one? That chick that plays the daughter. While she was a kid? Yeah. Yeah. There's no video on that one. Oh, who is she? She famous now?

Eric Roberts' daughter. Yeah, she's famous as fuck. Look at Ricky Schroeder. Was this before Silver Spoons? Fuck, yeah. This is what put him on the map, Jack. He died? Yeah.

I don't want to watch this man. Oh, shit. I forgot all about this. Watch this, though. That's just Ricky Schroder. It's just Ricky Schroder. It's a movie. Yeah, wake up.

Is that his dad? Yeah, who, whoa. He's a great actor. Damn. Wake up, champ. No tears here, baby. I'm strong today. I got to go home, champ.

Oh, you're sorry. Please wake him up. What I said. Jackie. I want him. TJ. Please, TJ, listen to me. He's gone.

He's gone, son. He's gone. Not now. TJ, please listen. I want you. That's a bad ass movie. Shut that shit. Man, he's a great actor.

There's a scene in this when he tells him he's got to go because he gets into, they take the horse, he loses a gambling, they take the fucking horse and all that shit. And there's a scene where he tells him it's better than you go live with your mother, Faye Dunaway, with her name. He doesn't tell him his mother. bro, he fucking breaks it down that little boy. He tells him

listen, I ain't going nowhere. I swear to God, I'll do my homework, I'll wash my dishes, I mean, he's fucking so good. I was doing something in the hotel room and I had to look and go fucking Ricky Schroeder. I was going to look to see if he won an Oscar, but who gives a fuck? But he should have won an

Oscar, though. As a little kid, that's a fucking actor. Yeah, hell yeah. That was strong as shit. John Voight? Shit! That dude should have won 10 Oscars, John Voigt. the fucking, what was the movie he did with Dustin Hoffman? That's Angelina Jolie's dad. That's Angela and Jolie's dad.

Heat, the fucking one American cowboy, Midnight Cowboy, that dude's been in some fucking movies, Jack. I can't believe we're here to talk to the Jiu Jitsu and we're talking about fucking Hollywood. Tremend. There's a real fucking podcast. You know what I'm saying on a Wednesday afternoon. This is what happens when you smoke weed and shit.

Yeah, I always wanted to ask you how long it took them the first time you rode to go to Abu Dhabi. Were you a black belt after nine years? I went to Abu Dhabi as a brown belt, but the first time I went to class when I got back, Jean Chalk gave me a black belt. So that's how I got my black belt, Abu Dhabi.

And you were already at the boxing gym on Santa Monica? No, no, no, no. You wanted to teach you. No, I was still Comedy Central. So I went back and believe it or not, Tom showed a little respect after that, just a little bit. and they actually played in one episode. They played on a loop

for me tapping on Hoyler in the background. Like you can barely see it. Like it's like dressing in the background of some stages. So they were into it. And then that's when, you know, Larry called me from Vegas and said, hey dude, I'm sitting here at the pool, at the Mandalay,

and they're talking about your match with Hoyler. Dude, people are into it. You got to fucking quit that job and open up a school. And at first I was like, nah, I'm not going to quit my fucking... And then I thought about it, and I thought, man, I'd rather be broke and do something I love than be miserable, like, and say that, ooh, I work in TV, you know, because it was kind of cool saying that, you know, I'm working for Comedy Central, but in reality it was terrible. The board jobs are tremendous, right? People will suck your dick, when you tell people you work on TV, really? What kind of TV? I don't know. Come into the car. Let me tell you, come into the trunk. Tell me right for the man show, which is not a lie.

They think you fucking, you know, you created the show. That was crazy. They used to be a room on Tuesday nights, Tiki Syatt, in San Diego. San Diego, 10, 15 years ago, had a great comedy scene. You had Monday night, the guys were hustlers. The comedians at the time were hustlers. And they went, they got this PB on Pacific Beach on Tuesdays. And then Wednesday they had another room that was two doors down.

I mean, these guys were killers. So basically, it was all on one block, just three doors down. I mean, fucking tremendous. That's where those carnitas are in San Diego. Right on that corner, there's a Denny's, and there's a little Mexican joint right there. So I went down on a Tuesday, and listen, guys, the show starts at 10.

It's college students. By the time you go up to 11, you got about 20 minutes to get them to laugh. If not, you die. And I went up there, and, you know, they're crazy, and you're talking about fucking people, because that's all that did well in those rooms with dirty acts. And some girl came up on stage. That was fucking hot.

and she took off her shirt and I said, take off your pants and she took off her fucking pants and it was just like that and it was the craziest thing I get off stage she comes over

and starts talking I mean she's crazy than shit but she's beautiful I can't figure this out how a girl that hot would just go up there and then she's crazy and we start talking

by her bond I go can I ask you a question can I finger you because that's an old deal breaker right there if you just meet a chick and ask me if you can finger I swear to God

she walked me to the car one of her friends and by the car can I ask you something Can I finger you? She goes, yeah. And I fingered, and I'm like, you are the real fucking deal. This is my number.

We started talking, and she goes, I'm coming to L.A. to visit you tomorrow. I go, no, you're not. Listen, guys, she called me at 5 in the afternoon, and she showed up at El Camadre with an 8-ball, a case of beer, and a bikini on. Do you understand me? That's a fucking woman. I didn't even have an apartment then. I lived at that fucking building in different floors.

I had a sneaker up to Salines and it was fucking crazy and they had the juggy tryouts and then they had the juggy tryouts and I go Joe I got a live one this chick will not only walk around naked she'll suck people's dick on TV

she told me she was fucking crazy the first night she did three lines and just took the panties off and started playing with a pussy I almost died in the living room Teddy was upstairs Teddy came down like what's she doing I don't know

leaving her alone making noises like a cat in front of her. And she didn't give a fuck. When a woman takes her fucking panties off, they don't give a fuck. And she wasn't a porn chick. This chick was beautiful.

She had a rich dad. She was fucking crazy. She had some rich dad or a rich fucking boyfriend that gave her money to go out and suck dicks. It was fucking crazy, man. It was fucking crazy. So I asked her, you want to try out for a juggy? She went right down there the next day.

I don't know what the fuck happened. And then I couldn't be around there. She was crazy. wanted to snort all day, and I dropped her off on Pablo Francisco and his buddy, and they took it to Orange County and God knows what happened to her. She called me like six months later from Las Vegas. Pablo Francisco.

I went to the improv, and Pablo was there with some other crazy motherfucker, and the kid he was with had like two ounces of blow, and we did a couple bumps, and I was like, listen, man, I can't hang with it. I think I left to that. You know, I'm the king of doing that, leaving people. I left for there. And she

called me like six months later from Las Vegas. Where are you? I'm at some hotel. I'm up 80,000 cash. I'm staying with some Arab or some shit. She was crazy. She was really fucking crazy. God knows what happened to me.

People like that come and go in your life in California. They come and go in your life like that anyway. But I brought it to the Juggie Tri-Ot. I don't even know what you guys make girls do with the Juggie tryouts. Hey, I wonder if that's up. Joey Diaz runs naked on the mansion. I could look for it. That could be up.

Let me give some shoutouts while you're fucking doing that shit here. My main man, Waterbox is always helping us out with the podcast. Andre Silva, World of Aliens, Raymond Mancy,

Constantine Rain, Chad Calderone, John Fentros, and Ernie Esposito. I love you motherfuckers. No. Okay. It's not up there.

Somebody took it down. Those dirty bastardsages. So this is the third. third EBI. This is the fourth. The fourth. EBI four. And this started as what made you want to do this. I just wanted to... One of your flies was a Hegan study, by the way. What was that? One of your flies were the Hegan study. One of your flies? One of your flies were that. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty funny. He ended up.

I just really just, before I even thought of putting together a show, I was trying to figure out a way to make Jiu Jitsu exciting. What was it about the point system that needed to be fixed? And the submission-only game was started by... There was a couple tournaments, I think, Sub-League up in the Pacific Northwest

was doing it, and the USA grappling, they were doing a submission-only format. But when I really got to see what it was all about, I was not into the point system at all. Sport, Jiu-Jitsu just seemed... It was just too big.

boring and you're never going to see that on TV, especially with the ghee. When you're, training with a ghee or competing and there's points, any kind of points, any, whatever it is points is points. Soon as someone's up, he's going to relax and kill time. But when I went to Gracie Nationals and saw that they were doing, they were running a full tournament submission only, I thought, wow, it was the most exciting tournament I've ever seen where there's no points going on. It's just people trying to submit each other. It seemed like it seemed like a fantasy. And Rose Gracie and Javi Vasquez, they put together Gracie World and Gracie Nationals.

And it did. It was, it's awesome. And then Meta Morris came out with a submission only type bigger event, not a tournament opened everybody, but like an invitational. But still, there was problems with the end of the matches. Like in Gracie Worlds and Gracie Nationals, if there's, they go 15 minute matches. If there is no submission, both competitors are decued. And that's the most gangster right there. That really brings out the urgency more than any other rule set, where if there's no submission,

you're both out. You both get disqualified. And then the brackets get kind of funky. But it's amazing. You know, we show up with a giant squadron every time Gracie Nationals hits L.A. in January and in January and Gracie World is. coming up, August 23rd in Anaheim. We're taking a giant team as well.

We love those submission-only tournaments. But for TV, what I wanted to do is do what Meta-Morris is doing, but make it more exciting because they were doing the same thing. Just like my match with Hoyler, it was a 20-minute match, and if there was no submission, it's considered a draw. It's really hard to run tournaments that way. It's just so unpredictable. And I thought the only real way to put Jiu-Jitsu on TV is it's got to be submission only,

but we got to have a winner and it can't involve points. Like how can we determine a winner with a submission-only format? And it took me a long time to figure it out. But what we do is we have 10-minute matches, 16-man tournament. EBI 4, 16-man tournament. The feather weights, 145 division. Our current champion is Gio Martinez, who won EBI 1. He won EBI 2, and now this is EBI 4.

Who won 3? Gary Tonin? He's not in this year. No, no. He's a welterweight. We're doing the feather weights. Featherweight. So, Gio's the champion in the featherweights.

But we got some killers, like Eddie Cummings, who's Gary Tonin's leglock training partner. He showed him. They all learned from Danahar who learned from Dean Lister. So the Dean Mr. went to New York and trained at Hensos Academy 15 years ago, something like that, turned John Danahar into a leg lock fiend. And then Danahar just took, he, you know, he has a very scientific approach to everything he does. So he took what he learned from Dean and made a system out of it. And a lot of the guys that are coming from Hensow school,

because John Dannaher is one of the main instructors there. you see a lot of leglock guys. I have a leglock guy who came from Hensow School. His name is Eric Ramey, and he's probably, could be my best leg locker. So John Danaher is a leglock genius, and he's got his little prodigies,

and Eddie Cummings is one of his little prodigies, and he's killing everybody with leg locks. It's, like, unstoppable. Eddie Cummins is amazing. He was in EBI 3 as a welterweight, but he's, you know, welterweight's 170. Featherweight is 145.

So he's going from, he's going down two weight classes. So he's in it. So it's going to be Gio Martinez, who finished everybody at EBI 2 and finished three out of four opponents in EBI 1. And he's going to be on one end of the bracket.

Eddie Cummings is going to be on the other side. We also, so we got a leg lock. Eddie Cummins is probably the best leg lockler, leg locker in Jiu-Jitsu right now. I mean, he's just, he's unstoppable. It's made me rethink leg locks and really devote a lot more time into leg locks as an association. The 10th Planet Association was influenced by Eddie Cummings and what he's doing with his leg locks. So he's in it.

So we got him. So we got two killers. And then we also got Zhao, Zhao Meow, who's one of the Meow twins, who is one of the best jujitsu players in the world right now. IBJJF style. He's got incredible flexibility. His spiral game and his Delahiva game is top shelf. Him and his brother's, like, you can't really get any better than them when it comes to Delahiva and the Barambos and all that stuff.

Jiao Miao is to Baramboos, like what Eddie Cummings is to leg locks. And then we also got Barrett Yoshita, who was in the lightweight division at EBI2, and that's too heavy form. He won a match and then lost a match. But now his true weight is 1.45. So we're going to, even though Barrett is, he's like 40 years old now. But at 45, he can grapple with anybody. And so we got four corners, you know.

We got Gio Martinez, Zhao Miao, Eddie Cummings, Barry O'Shea. And we got a bunch of. She got North Carolina, Duke, UCLA, and Arizona State in the fucking brackets. I love it. And we got a bunch of other killers that are filling in the bracket too, you know, Russ Muriel. Joel Tudor, who's a professional surfer, who's also a well-known black belt.

Let me ask you something. Ever since your second match, Tenth Planet has made a resurgence. You know, I'm out there. I go to different places, and I talk to different people, and people recognize me, oh, you're in the fucking Repargaard or whatever.

Tent Planet has really gotten a resurgence lately. I mean, you're all over fucking Facebook every day. By the way, two things real quick, not to throw you up. Is our buddy from Rochester out here? Chris Herzog? Yeah. No. Okay, was he supposed to come out here?

I don't think so. Okay, number two. He was in the Bay Area for me. I fucked up on a plane one morning, and I saw a tweet that I wanted to donate to go fund me for Grace. And I've been calling you every day, and I forget to ask you, can we still donate to Grace? I think so. Okay.

when I go home, you got to send me the link. Okay. Because I was on a plane, and I saw the link, and I can't. I don't know how to open and take your credit card out. That'll kill me. I got to do that at a home fucking computer. Okay. So I got to see where the go from it.

She'll be here. She's back. Yeah, so we also, on top of that 16-man bracket, featherweight division, we're going to, in between every round, we're going to get through the first round, and then we have a teen super fight, and then we go through another round of the featherweights and then another super fight. another round and then we have so we have a total of three super fights all women this time all girls we have the winner of we had four 12 year olds females in eBI three we had jessa con versus

koreseq jessa khan beat koresek all amazing jiu jitsu players they're just prodigies and then we had alisa wilson go against grace gundrum grace beat alissa so what we we're doing in this one is I'm taking just the winners and putting pinning them against each other so it's going to be jessa against grace and then alissa versus cora so if you saw eBI three which is available for free on youtube um a couple months after that show i put it up on youtube for ever you know just uh youtube search eBI eddie bravo invitational three just look for the official event and the the entire thing is on youtube for free eBI three ebi three ebi 4 will be available

on Budo Videos.com. They're streaming it for, I think it's 1999, so you could stream it worldwide, and you can go see the show live, downtown L.A, Saturday, August 15th,

at the Orphium. You can get tickets at Ticketmaster. But that's great that you have the pay-per-view around, and you could tape it and watch it in the morning, whatever the fuck you want to do. It's on the computer or on TV? Yeah, it's a, it's No, no, it's not on TV. But you could get it.

It's online. We could put it on the big screen here. Yeah, you can't anymore with internet, yeah. Yeah. You can watch it on your phone. It's really, I talk to people. Like, I dropped the kid off at school, and there's a kid. I follow that.

That's a tent planet guy. Perfect. You recognize when we started talking, so he used to go to HQ. I don't remember their names. I go to the fucking park off at the Hunger out there by the pizza joint. There's a tent planet dude. He's a fighter. That's a tent planet guy.

He's built like a firefighter. fighter. He's thinner, maybe 170, 180. What's his day? I don't know, Asian looking dude. He takes his child over there. One of John Evans students is a 10th planet guy in the daytime. He goes to them at night. So a lot of Ghee people are going

to 10th planet. Marlin. Marlon was there when I started at that Gie place. He quit. He just signed up at fucking Eddie Bravo's little Marlin. Marlon or Samir. He's in New York now. He took a picture the other day with our other fucking friend from New York. He went over there to train.

So a lot of people are making the switch to 10th planet Or adding it to their curriculum of Jiu-Jitsu That's really fucking amazing That people used to go to one school Now people go to fucking two schools I never, you know, I never knew that that you could do that Usually most schools have a no-gee program also Like maybe on Saturdays

These guys are going no fuck it We're going to go down there and learn for many bravo Yeah some most jiu-jitsu schools are gie base Meaning you have to wear A ghee right three days a week But on Saturdays, Wednesdays, like John Evan Saturdays on Wednesdays, he does no ghee. You know, Hegan, sometimes you go to Higan, he'll go, it's no geet today. He'll teach one move, no gee, a basic move that you could do ghee, no ghee.

It's interesting. I just don't like people grabbing my fucking neck. It drives me crazy. Well, the difference is 10th planet is no geet full-time. Full-time. Some of my affiliates have ghee programs, but it's more just to get the- And Tyson, two days a week. Get the guys in here and then they'll eventually switch over to Noke.

Look at fucking Josh. Josh put a Gion on first time in three years and he won a fucking tournament. About six months ago. Josh Pascini? Josh Puccini. Put a Gio on. And he said, I just put a Gion on and went down there. What the fuck?

And I took first. It's amazing. It's good to put the Gion on for those guys. They're doing it for someone when you're that good, you know. But I know Alders got the Gia up there Tuesdays and Thursdays with your buddy. He's a John Jock Black Belt. This is. He said he's a really sweet guy, you know, so.

But this guy goes to Jared, the guy at the daycare with Mercy. Jared Carlston? Yeah, he trains at Burbank. Yeah, 10-pland-urban. Yeah, that's where he goes. It's amazing. He's bump onto all these people. So you're doing something right, kid.

You're doing something right, kid. Tent planet everywhere, hand signals like dray and shit, like crips. One day fucking a tent-planter guy's going to get shot by a cripp and shit. Out there flashing fucking T-P's. And then you got the boogeyman crew. That San Diego crew, they're relentless. They're building an army. They're down there rolling around smelling feet at 6 in the fucking morning, those motherfuckers.

When I get up at 7, they're already finished for the day, doing jumping jacks and break dancing. Those guys are good for a reason. They don't fuck around down in San Diego. They're giving out free classes in San Diego. They're like, come down, we'll teach you out of stab them, motherfucker. Yeah, we got 10 planet San Diego. San Diego, Costa Mesa. 10 planet Oceanside as well.

So we got two schools down in San Diego. And not Costa Mesa? Coast of Mesa. as well, Buenos Park, Orange. Do you have one in Vegas? That's coming.

That's coming. I heard it's coming soon. That's coming soon. T.P. everywhere is shit. Yeah. No New York yet, though. No, yeah.

That's a tough market. It's like M.MA. They don't want you in there until you fucking unionized their hotels. That's the reason why. Can you imagine? What is that?

I don't know. This is what I've heard a thousand times. I've heard that. For Tieter's hotels, his employees are non-unit. Everybody in Vegas is union. So he's non-union. So something in New York, the hotels are union

and they want to make that whole chain union. So until Fritita doesn't unionize his hotels, New York MMA is like, fuck you. Hey, listen, man, New York is like, listen, you're getting a big envelope over there. We want a piece of that envelope. That's it. We don't fuck around.

We don't need you to come here. We got the Knicks and the Giants. We're going to fuck about you, bitches. You know, we got the year. Yankees, the Mets, the fucking, the Knicks, the Nets, they got enough entertainment. I don't know the whole particular, that's just the word, yeah, that's what they say. That's because of the union. I'm thinking maybe unionizing is maybe making criminals fatter.

Maybe the Fertitas don't want to deal with the unionization, like all, what comes with it. I don't know, I'm just guessing. I don't know the basics of the shit. I'm sure the public. I just know, listen, I just know when politics don't approve something, there's got to be an envelope someone that's not passed in the right hand. You're selling 900 seats. The problem with the UFC is the NFL don't tell you on Mondays.

How many people went to the fucking New England game and what they made at the gate? Am I lying? Capit? How about what? When you wake up in Boston on Monday morning, they don't tell you in the paper what they made. They don't tell you what New England did at the gate or nothing like that. No. The UFC does, even though they lie.

Nobody tells you the truth. So they did, they told you for Connor McGregor, they did 800 paperview wise. That's 1.2. That's 1.2. They shopped a million off the top. Right off the top. They take 5.5 million?

What they claimed 800,000? 800,000. And Ronda Rousey against the Brazilian, they'll get 200, 2 million. 2 million downloads, but they won't. But the thing is that when politicians stall like that, they're looking for an envelope.

Something's got to drizzle over here. You guys are picking up three fucking shows a month bragging about the gates. I know he just busted the envelope in Vegas. You know, what the fuck? You're paying the fight. It's $5,000 to fight. Ten fights.

$50,000. They make $7 million at the gate. You know what I'm saying? Meanwhile, Pat Cummys got two black eyes. He's bleeding from the fucking eyeball. Telling him people he's on his way up. Did you see that? That's what I want. I turned it on.

Pat Cummings was Joe Rogan. He's got two black eyes. He's bleeding out of this eye. And he's like, I'm on my way up. But he did. He made it to the rankings. That was a good fight against Fajat. But you can see Fajal's off the gorilla biscuits, Brazilian style. He's not on those fucking black house.

I didn't see that fight. He's none on those black house pills. Did you see Jake Shields and Hussamar Poh house? Oh, yeah. I watched that last night. You know what, man, Hussamar got, should have got thrown out a long time ago. But now I don't understand. What's his name is broken two people's bones?

And they've never said nothing about him. Who? Frank Mier. Because he didn't hold it. He just, it was a. so fast and so... Right, right, right. That's what I mean. But this guy is just

crazy. That's crazy to play with people's limbs like that. And I don't think Nogarro was tapping. I think he got his arm broken, but he didn't tap. Yeah. And Tim Sylvia, he didn't even feel it.

If you're not tapping, you know, you justify a snapping. Right. But this Pomeris against Jake Shields, I mean, Jake Shields threw the punch on him. He's going to get suspended for a bit. But fuck, what do you do? You're poking me in the fucking eyes.

I'm not saying that Fajia was poking. That was a good. fight. Fayjow against that kid. Cummings? Oh, that was a good fight. Didn't see it. That was a great fight. And I thought Fayjow was going to punch him. Fajat threw 20 punches, hit him with all 20 punches, then kicked him with two up kicks,

busted his fucking nose. He was on his back and you could see the blood on his toes. He opened them up with the, I mean, it was fucking tremendous. But Pack Cummings had eight takedowns. Babboom, boom. Kept taking him down. Baboon, baboon. Then at the end, he just elbowed him 50,000 fucking times.

That's how I had it. No, it's great. What you're doing, Eddie. I'm really happy that you're doing all this shit. Thank you, man. It's amazing that you used to live in that house, that little shack behind fucking the place over there, and I used to wear your little black shoes

and I had your little jeans on and shit. You're ready to go, go, go. And now you're at the park with a kid. It's fucking crazy. Listen, man, there's no greater joy from me. I can just watch Mercy all day. I don't give a fuck. Somebody called today,

hey, you're going to Dan in the Simlo's house. I was listening. That ship sailed. I know he's friends of Bruce Lee, but Bruce Lee isn't as cute as my little fucking daughter. You know, Dan, you, to go fuck yourselves. Happy birthday now. I'm going to the West Side on a fucking Wednesday night at 6 o'clock

to deal with two hours of traffic. Dang out with Chinese people and incense and shit like that. I want to hang out with Bruce Lee, bitch. I like Dan and the son, but I don't give a fuck. I'm going to see a bunch of fake martial artists bowing and shit. Get the fuck out of here. I'm Matt Flav. I was there from the beginning, bitch.

That was around when Bruce Lee fucking died, dog. The fuck. I still remember what this country felt like, but it's true. It's somebody that asked me that, you're going to Dan and Asanto's birthday party? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait for me. I'll meet you outside.

7.30. I'll bring an invitation. He's a legend, though, man. Oh, I saw him at one of the seminars that he can put on. He was great just to see him there, man. I mean, that's real fucking history right there. That dude, that's like the George Washington martial arts. He was there when the shit.

kicked off. You know, when I came from Cuba, there was a karate school here and there. It wasn't like it is. There wasn't no jiu-jitsu. A couple judo schools. There was a couple of Ikeido schools. You know, it wasn't kung fu in the Bronx, black people. They love kung fu. Black people love Kung Fu, dog. The show gun to holl them. They go fucking nuts. But when I came from Cuba, once I saw the green horn and I lost my mind, and I got beat up at the parker. I hit with a lunchbox. I got hit with the thermos and it was over. I begged my mother to take me somewhere and there was a karate school.

Renato's father, the black dude was just a black school. They wore fucking geese. He made him run on the streets. It was black. You had to go in and give him an ID card in those days. There was a black lady with dreds who sat in the fucking window

and you had to give her an ID card. And then she checked your attendance and gave you back the fucking card. Your ghee had to be folded a certain way. Your belt had to be holding the gea a certain way. was Henato's dad. How crazy is that? That's insane.

Mr. Orange. Yeah. Mr. Orange, this is 1968 guys. My English isn't even that good, you know. I would go to PS166 and then my mother would walk me over there.

In those days, you had to go Monday through Friday, you know, and he made you run in the wintertime with your Gion. Outside. That's brutal. That's brutal. barefoot. He'd make you run in the summer in the winter. He'd let you put sneakers on it. And then you'd see all the kids

from school. They'd see you with the geese. The next day they'd pick a fight with you. Look what is, karate boy. We saw you're running. Come on, show us some karate cock's up. I swear to God, Eddie. That's how brutal it was in those days. It was like a military thing. He used to hit you. He would throw kids. How long did you do that

for? Maybe two and a half years. Because I got in there when I was Whenever I started Sacred Heart School for Boys, I cut it to Saturdays and then I just stopped going because I got a job running numbers in the Bronx so when I started going to Sacred Heart School for boys I went like

four Saturdays a month and that was it and he was pissed they didn't understand that shit in those days and those days you had to give you a karate teacher a report card and if your grades weren't good you weren't a lot to go to class bro and his classes were packed daddy from the classes

the kids classes started like a four and you had to stay till six and then once you got your green belt you could stay for the adult class. And even though I had my green belt, I was too young, but you could stay and sit on the side and ask the older guys to teach you a kick and shit like that. That's what I used to do. I was like a groupie. And then my mom would come pick me up and smack me a couple times. Shut the fuck up. Come on. Let's go home. Because it was three blocks from my house. There was no car. You know, she'd just walk me. So I'd have to walk home with my ghee. You had to fold your

gear a certain way in front of him. You had to check your ghee before you left. It's a different fucking game. That dude was always at the school. If you went at six the morning, he slept in the cot in the back. In those days, the people slept there. They didn't go home like, now you go home and hang out. He just paraded at 8.30 at night. It wasn't like that. Listen to Metallica.

You were there all day throwing sidekicks for Jesus. Shit. What did they hit you with? When I had the attack one of the guy had those long ones. The bamboo stick. He would hit you during the push-ups. We used to giggle. Like, there's always a fat kid doing sit-ups, and you giggle.

He would fucking hit us with the sticks. Look at him. Look at him. At least he's working. The kid would be crying and shit. In those days, they let the kids kick you. Like, and if you cried, they put you in the corner. What was the name of the school? Goju karate. I remember it was a fist. You had to fucking have your patches on there. It was a fist that said, goju.

Then you had to have shit on your sleeves. Then on your back, you had a big fucking patch. You can make a shirt. But the fist, it was goju. You could still get the patches. You could still get the patches. People have the fucking patches. People have the fucking patches everywhere in New York. So it was that classic Goju fist? Goju Karate Fist, yeah.

And that was the name of the school? Just called Goju... That's all. You got to ask Renato. I remember he had the membership card. Yeah. And you could buy a bag for your ghee, but I wanted to rough it. I ain't paying no fucking $3 for no fucking bag to Mr. or whatever.

I think I did buy the bag eventually. Because you had to have the bag for your ghee. And then because I think once you got to the older grades, you had to put the... They weren't boxing gloves. They were like other type of gloves. It was like blue gloves, and you had to put them on your feet, too. They weren't really shingards for kickboxing. They were like a thicker shade of rubber.

Okay. Anyway, who gives a Frenchman's fuck? You know what I'm saying? It's amazing that it was one of your brown gloves, father. How small of a world is that? It was a loop. And he probably never fucking know. A great died this week, McAfoeh.

Who said? The fucking guy died, man. Sixty-some years old. Comedian? No, boxing guy. from Justin Fortune's gym. I got a call one night. After the longest yard,

like about two years after the longest yard, I got a call one night from some guy, and he goes, hey, Mr. Diaz, this is such and such. I really like you in the longest yard, but I'm a fan of the Jerry Karate videos. He goes, I'd like to hire you to play a boxing trainer in my commercial.

I go, okay. He goes, what's your agent? I gave him the agent information. He goes, I'll be calling you soon. Fuck yeah, the guy called me a week later. I had a national commercial, right? some boxing thing where it was like a spoof

like boxing I don't know what the fuck it was some product for men Armistad something Connestat something Monastat I don't fucking know that's for women And I get there and the trainer from the other guy because there were two boxes And then I played a train and there was another guy

We shot it at Freddy Roach's gym How long ago was that? This had to be fucking 2008 And we shot this at Freddy because I was just off the Coke. I just stopped doing Coke like in November, and they shot like in February, and I didn't want to be out.

That was like my itchy night, like 8 o'clock was when I would start itching. Here I am on fucking Vine, on Freddie Roaches Gym. And they sold Coke right outside, you know, so I was still a little itchy. And I go in there, this guy starts talking to me, and we start laughing, and we start giggling, and he starts telling me he's en ghost and shit.

I say, do you work here? And he goes, no, I'm good friends. with Freddie. I used to box train here, but now I trained fighters over at Justin Fortunes, and we became friends, and he told me before I left. He said something that nobody ever said to me. He's like, listen, man, you're a really nice guy. You should really consider losing weight. He goes, when we were fuck, because he had the mitts, right? He's a mid-trainer, and he put the mitts on, and we were just fucking around. He goes, you could still move. You're not breathing well and shit. Your color's not good. He goes, you should really consider losing weight.

He goes, come down to the gym. I'll train you for 20 bucks. I used to, one day I went in there with one pair underwear on and shorts and a t-shirt, like a long shirt so you can see how big my stomach was. I was 413 pounds. And I went into Justin Fortin's gym and he had me. And I was in so bad a shape that I pissed my fucking pants in the corner. I've never told this story to know by it. I pissed my pants like a little kid in the fucking corner.

Like just, I couldn't breathe, guys. I thought I was going to die. So it was between breathing a whole. holding my piss. I just focus on the piss. I just focus on the breathing. And I just remember pissing my pants. And I'm going, from, he would work me for three minute rounds. Like, you have the punch and he would make me follow him and fucking throw him. This is how bad of shape I was. Like, I'm not fucking with you. So I pissed my pants. Not just a fucking piss. Like, it was running down my leg.

You know, you could smell it. I had a fucking leave there and shit. And he was like, what happened? I told him. He goes, just put on two pair underwear. Make sure you come back. Like, he didn't goof on me and nothing. He told me, put on two pair of underwear next time he come, if that's a problem. He was, I had a friend in Boston who had that, but he was from Boston. Six foot six, big motherfucker. He goes, I had a friend that one. He loses breathing, so I know what you're going through.

And I just kept going to him until I wouldn't piss my pants no more. And he told me, if you want to lose weight, you've got to get in front of a bag and just punch it for 30 minutes a day. He goes, do that for six weeks and come back and see me. And I lost like 30 pounds. And then I went to Weight Watches. But he was the first guy I trained with it. And I meet him at five in the morning. I was so out of shape and so embarrassed.

I started training with him. He gave me his number guys in February, and I didn't call him until, like, October. Like, that's how embarrassed I was. And I finally called him. He goes, if you don't want nobody to see you, come at five. I'll train you at five because I got a professional at six. And that's what that guy did to me.

So when he died yesterday, I was really fucking sad for, like, because I didn't know. Nobody called me. I saw it on Twitter. And then I called the Australian, Justin. And Justin told me that they found them on the floor. But he was in great shape, man. He was down there every fucking day punching.

So he was in Vietnam. So he had something with a problem with Agent Orange. He had something with his stomach with Agent Orange because he was trying to get money out of him. There was something going on. So rest in peace, McAfoeia, you stop me from, you got me out of the 400 Club. That's crazy.

He wasn't the one who had cancer? No, that was Justin Fortune who had the cancer. Oh, okay. He just, he just, he was, like I said, I just talked to him Friday. And I usually would talk to him on Sundays, but for some reason I didn't hear from him for a week, so I called him last Friday. And we talked. He goes, when are you going to come down?

So he died Monday, so I feel really bad. Yeah. It happens, brother. That's the thing about this life. We're all going to go eventually. Yeah, it's crazy how could I, like, two days later. Two days fucking later. I dealt like both of my parents, parents passed away when I was young.

So I dealt with it not a lot, but enough when I was young. But I, until Rowdy died last week, I hadn't, like, it wouldn't know. no one even like remotely close and because I'm friends with Steve like I saw it hit somebody and it's like it is kind of weird I saw Roddy three weeks ago and now just they're gone it's a weird thing to think about sometimes

that's why you have leave the house thinking somebody's going to suck my dick today because you never know when the fucking boom is going to come down and when Jesus is going to press that button it's all over next thing you know you're floating up to the sky you're going through that shit when they spray they spray aluminum yeah

If they spray aluminum up in the air And now you're floating through it Like a fucking angel What? I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about All right This is a good weed Fuck yeah, it's good weed

I had some hash mixed in there You know I don't fuck around I had some old school hash When the one I juke That shit was hard Last night I smoked hash Under a glass Any bravo

I haven't done that in 30 fucking years Under a glass Oh my God What is that? So let me tell you how you smoke Hash under a fucking glass I just so happen to have it here The Joey Diaz's glass can

Okay All right You take a fucking pin You know these jerkoffs That put pins in their shirts You know with peace signs and shit You know it's got a pin And you put in your jacket

And it says vote for me A tent planet Or whatever the fuck it says Well you take that fucking stupid pin out of your shirt Because you're not You look like a fucking moron You put it on its back So this is the back of the pin

And this is the fucking needle, okay? So the needles like this usually, you pop the needle up like this. And you take that fucking needle, and you take this piece of fucking hash, and you take a lighter, and you go like this, and then you stick it in the fucking

needle, and you take a chilled glass, you put a glass in the refrigerator, and you let that motherfucker chill. And you take this piece of hash, and you stick it in the needle, and you light that motherfucker on fire, and let the thing burn for a couple of minutes. then you blow it out

and you take that glass and you put it on top of the hash and you take that hash and you roll it to the end of the table and you put your lips at the end of the table and you smoke that glass full of fucking hash you have no fucking idea you understand me

Jesus Christ You have no fucking idea Who you're dealing with That's what DMD That don't do nothing to me That's why Because I was smoking hash under a glass Like that when I was like 15

Some buddies in mine We'll get that Egyptian shit That was stamped That shit will make you see the devil. I've only smoked it once. We'll smoke some hash. I'll wear a fucking glass.

I'll put you in a different fucking dimension. For starters, let's get this party started. All right. On it. I love you, motherfuckers. Eddie took two fucking alpha brains when he came in here. Listen, Alpha brain is this shit.

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Do you have any on it, like, bars or anything on you in here? Chocolate bars? Anything. No, I took them all back. I had the alpha brain. Nothing? I ate all that shit except the fucking the jerky. It's like deer or something like that.

I can't eat that stuff. Okay. I don't like that stuff. But everything else they got is tremendous. Listen, go to honor that right now. Onit.com right now and press in. Church. Boom, and get 10% off.

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All right? As far as I'm concerned, the most comfortable on their underwear. out there working today for men and for women. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu, when I work out, I've always got Miondi's on because they keep everything in place. If I'm sweating my ass off, my balls are always dry, they're nice and warm, and that's what you want. You want your shit to be in place, and you don't want to have sweaty balls.

That's what happens when you wear those cotton underwears, plus your balls fall out because the elastic always goes out on the fucking side. You don't have that problem with Mionis, okay? I would lie to tell you, I have Miondi's on right now, and they feel great. I don't have me on these on right now. It's 94 degrees. It's human as fuck. All I got on is fucking powder and straight up fucking shorts.

Nothing but balls in love for you, cock suckers. Anyway, what's I got to do with me on these? Nothing. What I'm trying to tell you is, meandies, they're comfortable. They got women and men selections. They got t-shirts. They got shorts. Go to meandes.com right now.

Look at the great selection on women and men short. You're going to fucking love them. They got woman stongs. Listen, if these shorts keep my balls fresh, do you know what those stongs would do for your girlfriend's little fucking Monquois? You ever go in there and it just smells like baby powder? You're suspect because you expect to smell something. That's what Miondi's will do for your wife.

Go to Miondi's.com right now and press in. Joey. Boom! And get 20% off shipping. No, get 20% off your first order and free shipping the can in the United States. It don't get no better than that, cocksuckers. Go to Miondi's.com right now. Number two, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do.

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The first box is on them. Go to naturebox.com right now and press in. Go to naturebox.com.com slash joey. Go to naturebox.com slash right now slash Joey. And what do they got to do? Press the information in. And they got a box sent to their house on Naturebox. Who's better than them?

And you know what? Limited time only. So get the fucking snapping, okay? The end of the summer's happening. You want to be skinny for fucking Christmas. You want to be able to put away your whites and put your colors on and you're a fat fuck. You got to go. Nutritionalist approved snacks.

Naturebox.com and the first box is on them. I don't know what the fucking shipping is probably like two bucks, but the first box is on them. Go to naturebox.com right now and get the best selection of fucking nutritionist snacks. Forget about the vending machine, cock suckers. it's over. Naturebox.com. You know what the best thing is? It gets shit right to your house.

You're sitting there stone scratching your balls, thinking about, fuck, I wish a meteor over, land on me. And all of a sudden, fucking the UPS man is knocking on your door

with a bag of goodies. You understand me? You know who sent it to you? Uncle Joey and naturebox.com. But before we forget, you're saying, Joey, what else you got from us today?

Listen, how many times you get home? You ever get home, you're fucking hungry. You don't want to cook. Who the fuck wants to cook? That's the only time you think,

Maybe I should get a butler. Maybe I should get a girlfriend just to cook. Some fat fuck will come over cook and polish my fucking knob once a week. But then you got to put up with bullshit in the air beating the story about that mother's foot. And you really don't give a fuck about none of that shit. Or you can hire a personal chef. Or you can do what I do. Blue Apron.

Let me tell you something. They send fucking meals to your house direct. You get a box scent with a little refrigerator in there, like a little bag that's a refrigerator. With fresh and delicious nutrients in there. I mean, unbelievable. You take them to give you step-by-step directions on how to cook it. You fucking single guys that are sitting there eating fucking jack in the box. McDonald's complaining about your weight.

Here's your chance. You get fresh, nutritious, they're all pre-portioned. I'll tell you what they do, right? This week, let me tell you what the menu of debt that they got over there. They got spiced meatballs. They got stir-fried ginger basil with a fucking chicken with a nice rice. And that's for the two people plan. For the family plan, they got pork chops and some of vegetable rice.

Yummy. and they got chicken thighs with wheel of pasta with a nice spicy tomato sauce you can't fucking lose that's on the family package on the two-person package are you fucking kidding me spice meatballs on a Wednesday you're sitting there fucking starving

watching bubble guppies thinking what am I going to eat and all of a sudden you got a box delivered to your door you go in there let's say you get a date you want to impress this fucking momo you're cooked together who's better than you do me a favor what's this shit here what's this shit here what's this here do me a favor

Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes with fresh ingredients and that right to your door. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Our listeners are going to get two free meals. Go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking delicious fucking meals at home with Blue Apron. Do me a favor. Go to Blue Apron. Go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and get two free meals sent to your house. All right?

Besides that, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. It's over. God's like this. We got shit to do with people to see and read for the smoke. And I suggest you motherfuckers do the same. Okay? Listen, next weekend, next Saturday. You're going to be sitting there.

There's no UFC. There's nothing going on. What times it starts at EBI? It starts at 7. Do me a fucking favor. And what do they need to do? They either need to go to, if they want to order it online pay-per-view, go to Budovidos. com slash EBI.

Okay. Or go to Ticketmaster if you want to get tickets to see it live at downtown L.A. Saturday, August 15. But let's say they live in Omaha, Nebraska, and they ain't got time to fly to fucking L.A. What do we need to do here? Budovidos. What time goes to start? Seven.

7 o'clock California time? Yes. That's 10 o'clock Eastern time. 8 o'clock in Chicago, whatever the fuck. Check your own time zone. I'm going to hear breaking it down for you. I'm too fucking high

to be breaking time zones down here. But do me a favor. 90% of you're going to watch it. Maybe you don't live in L.A. You're going to watch it on Budo videos. Open up your computer Saturday, connect it to your TV. Get some popcorn.

Get some fucking blue apron. A little pork shop wouldn't fucking kill nobody. And you watch some world-class jiu-jitsu. My little brother, Addy, has worked hard to put this together. And I'll tell you what, if you know anything about this fucking guy, you know, he's going to give me the best fucking fight as he gets his hand. I mean, everybody wants to do business with this guy. This guy's one of the top fucking dogs in Jiu-Jitsu.

So do me a favor. Do a personal favor to me. You're not doing nothing next Saturday. Fuck that wedding. Fuck that cunt's house. Go to fucking... Budovidos.com. Pay whatever the fuck it is and watch EBI.

You're going to have a great time, all right? Also, you can watch EBI 1, 2, and 3 on YouTube for free. For free. Gradus on the house. Listen, if you don't watch Grace, Gundrum next week, you're fucking wasting yourself. If you're a real jujisto enthusiast, you should watch this, and especially

those little fucking girls. It's going to inspire you like it did to me. Ever since I went there, my game picked up because I go more to Jiu-Jitsu. If I saw that little girl do what she fucking did, I could do half of that. I'd be a fucking killer. Right or wrong, dog. Right. That's where it starts with Grace fucking Gundrum and go to the YouTube page. What is it to

go fund me? Cut this shit. You motherfucker's got money. You're holding on to it with your fucking long pockets and short arms. Anyway, next week. D.C. I'm taping the CD in D.C. next week. If you see Mrs. Obama, tell it's all over. Uncle Joey's coming to town,

and he's eating that little black fucking raisin until it's dry. That little black raisin. Oh, my God. I get thirsty. Just thinking about it. He just laughed over my fart. Oh, shit. That was a nice and slow one. I love you,

cocksuckers. Have a great weekend. Thank you very much. Thank you, Eddie, Braw, bro, for coming in. EBI. Day night. Lysayat, Toronto for the podcast. Get down there. Leesayat.com for tickets. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron.

Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to blue apron.com slash Joey. Start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron.com. With Blue Apron, go to blue apron. Go to blue apron.com slash Joey.

Show is also brought to you by naturebox.com. Go to naturebox.com. slash Joey and get your first box on them. They have all your favorite snacks, barbecue kettle kernels, chocolate nom-noms. Go to naturebox.com slash joey and unbox your world of taste and possibility.

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