The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #307 - Ryan Sickler

Episode Date: August 11, 2015

Ryan Sickler, Comedian and Host of The CrabFeast Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: NextIssue.com/Joey for a free trial of the Magazine app Next Issue Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 08/10/15 Music:  Moving In Stereo - The Cars Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Hand Of Doom - Black Sabbath

This show is brought to you by Next Issue. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. The best part is Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to Nextissue.com slash Joey. Honestly, it's a great app. I downloaded my iPhone. They have literally every magazine you could ever want. You download Back Issues. You can search through the article, see something like flipped through pages.

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He loves him. And he doesn't stop smoking e-cigrets and he loved it. So go to hit e-6.com and use code word Joey's church. Oh shit. It's a Monday night. Fucked up Monday night. It's a star twinkle, twinkle little star. How many stars are G?

Ryan Sickle. You gave me two. Did you eat them both? I hit them both. You're a fucking savage. Lee had three. The church of what's happened now, Ryan Sickler, Lee Syllat. Just when you thought it was fucking safe, you're sitting there going, where the fuck did I fuck up?

Kick that shit, Lee. The church of what's happening now, bitches. Monday, August 10th, the day the devil was buried at sea, fucked in the ass, raped, lit on fire. Then they shot him in the head in Ferguson, Missouri. Fuck it! Let's do this shit, hawksuckers. Let's go. Brothers got to work it out.

Ferguson, it's time to start shooting some fucking people. It's all over. They shot 60 fucking bullets and what, two seconds last night? Oh, really? They had submachine guns down there, the chief of police that never calmed down.

It never calmed down. It never is. Because every time something happens somewhere else in the country, a little spark happens there. They don't forget there. That's the Midwest. It's not like they're living it up

like the fucking Kardashians and their dad switching pussies. You know what I'm saying? They don't have much. So when you don't have much, you get stuck on the same fucking song and dance, my friend. Well, I mean, it's kind of hard for Ryan and I to really understand.

Is it really, is it that terrible being a minority in America? I just, I think for white people, we know it, but we really don't. It depends where you live, Lee. It depends where you live. Ferguson, Missouri is probably the equivalent to, you know, something like Harlem. I've never been there. It's like any other place, USA, where they have an African American fucking community. And then inside the African American community, they have three blocks of,

fucking hell where people go to buy crack and there's hookers and God knows what else is down there. And listen, man. I mean, I'll say this too. You're from Baltimore. And let's be honest. Let's go, you know.

I am from Baltimore, but when I say Baltimore, not those neighborhoods of Baltimore. You know what I mean? So I can't speak intelligently on what's going on. Just because you're from a city doesn't mean you can speak intelligently on what's going on in those you know, pockets and those areas of that

city. People always ask me... I don't hang out. When people hear Baltimore, they think the wire. I have never hung out in a neighborhood like that. I mean, they're there. That's all real, but I'm saying, I don't go into those neighborhoods. There's no reason for me

to be in those neighborhoods. I can't tell you what's going on in those neighborhoods. People always ask me when they hear Boston, is Boston racist? And I've heard stories, and I'm sure in some parts it is. Just the white people. Just the white people. I've never... I never saw it,

but then again, I'm white as fuck, and I probably wouldn't see it. When somebody says racist, is it five guys in the bar giggling and all of something they say, well, did you see that nigger chick last night? Is it that type of racist or is it racist that people actually put a fucking hood on

and go out and pick fights? No. Boston, everybody gets along because you got black guys in the Boston Celtics. See, what's the fucking black guys got put on a boss in Celtics? And big copy. That's it. That's it. That was it. They were like, you know what? I don't know about these black dudes, but they could play. Let's give them a fucking chance. You know, but in all seriousness, I mean,

In 1985, I used to hang out in San Francisco, and I used to hang out with these Cuban refugees. Cubans had just come over, and they were putting them in different pockets. And I remember that there was this one guy that they would give you 20 nickel bags, and let's say, at $5 a piece, it comes out to $125 or something. They would give you, like, 50 bucks out of the 125. And there were days when I was broke, and I'd just go out there and just hang out with the guys. you could do 25 nickel bags and have them.

So just to hang out with the guys that say, give me a thing and they'd give them to you. And you'd hide them. You'd hide them under bumpers, you know, in cars, you'd hide them. So if the cops come, you could just, you know,

you don't have them on you. Right. And listen, man, every four fucking days, cops pulled up. And I'm a white fucking dude on paper until you take my license. This Jose Diaz,

in those days, I didn't carry a license. But my point is they would just pull up and jump out of cars and throw you against the wall, it's tough to be a cop in America. Yeah, I, yeah. And what's gotten taken away from the cops when I was banging heads and I was out there

getting pulled over and robbing and all that shit is the sense of community. Okay, so Ryan lives where? Now? Yeah. Santa Monica. Okay, so you live in Santa Monica. You come up to the valley tomorrow. Let me see how I could do this.

Okay, you live in Santa Monica. you live on a block that there's a Rouse and all this shit and there's a neighborhood cop same fucking cop same fucking cop that's been there for years and he sees you and he waves at your kids

and sometimes he pulls over and you get in the car and let the kid fucking beep the horn but you know his name is Phil officer fucking Jones and you get to know him three four fucking years

now God forbid you come up to the valley you come up to the valley one day we're all hanging out on the way out of the door you get into an argument with some kid. And you're smack them and you get in the car, and the kid takes your license plate. They go up to the Valley here in North Hollywood. They do the paperwork.

They come down to Santa Monica to put that warrant. Guess who's coming to your house with the cops from the Valley? Officer Smith, because that's his neighborhood. And guess what Officer Smith is going to do? The guys that are coming down. Phil. Yeah. What do you mean?

Officer Phil. That's what we said he was. Okay, Officer Phil. Officer Phil, the cops that are coming from the Valley, They're coming from the valley with one side of a story in their head. Do you follow me? They're coming from the story that some kid was walking down the block on a skateboard, and my man, fucking Ryan, just bit slapped him and got in his car.

And the cops could know that guy from the valley. Okay. So it could be like his car. Right. So what a shame. The kid's a great kid. So now they're coming down here with what? With blood in their eyes. All right?

But guess who stops him? Phil. Officer Phil. Goes, hold on one second. To knock on his door, I got to come with you. and he explains him this has to be a misunderstanding. I know him, I know his wife, I know his kids. He's a stand-up comic.

He's a decent guy. So now the blood gets tan. They want to hear your side of the story. They'll take you down booking. So you understand me you had that type of relationship with the police officers. I don't know what's happened in the last 10 years. I'm not out there. But I know there's no relationship with police officers.

There's no more neighborhood cop. So I know what a black neighbor. it is. I wanted them to get drugs and I know how they shake you down. You know, in the old days, they get you, they'd have gun on their holsters. Now they're coming out shooting guys. And if they see any infraction, how many shootings have you seen in the last three years? Are you like, where's the justification for this fucking shooting? A lot. Where's the justification for this fucking shooting? There's none. He got on the floor and the guy, what's the one? The guy shot him a couple weeks ago, the kid in Cincinnati. I can't look at the stories anymore. Yeah, one dude,

He told him to reach for his license. He went to reach for it. Then he shot him. And he even said, well, he's hit with it. He's hit. He's like, you told me to go for my license. I'm getting my license yet. So who the fuck knows the pressures it is to be a cop?

But also, when you watch these videos, for me, at least, when I see a cop's body cam and I see it from their point of view, to me, to me, at any moment, it's like the end of Sopranos. Who's it going to be that's going to, you know what I mean? I think that it's something. It's so heightened right now that I would I'd be scared out there. I'd definitely be scared. If I got pulled over today, I'd be scared. Yeah. I'd be the cop too, though.

I'd be scared if I was a cop too. I would put my hands right out the fucking window. Yeah. And let the body, the cam watch it, put my hands out the window. You know, I would do everything. Just, I was thinking about it the other day. What if I get pulled over at night when I'll come home from the comedy store? I would just put, as soon as I'd open my window and put my hands on the window.

I'm with you. And that's it. That's the end of the phone store. Then when they get there, can I reach for my license? Can I reach from my license? Can I reach for my license? I'm reaching for my license. I'm the same way.

But even if things weren't heightened, isn't there always going to be some sort of like tension between the cops? And I don't want to say just black people, but it's just, like, for in this case, black people. Right now, in this part, right now in our world today in the United States, there's a hidden tension with black people and cops. And if you don't think I'm, you'd have to. Yeah. You'd have to.

Okay. You got a call tomorrow. There's some fucking Cuban dude smacking Jews people. He goes into synagogues and just smacks you and runs out. He goes into temples and I walk up on you. Is your defense going to be up or you're going to be glad to see me? You don't know if I'm going to smack you. Same fucking thing.

Every black person in America right now, whether they're a criminal or just a regular black person after you see the shooting in Cincinnati, you have to be a little scared subconsciously. You could say suck my dick, they're going to suck my white dick or my black dick. but some consciousness that goes into your subconscious mind so you have to be a little bit fucking scared I was always scared of cops always me too yeah me too I've never been comfortable me too my friends

his mom she's they're black and she tells him like get your fucking registration on your car up to date never give them get your make sure your tail lights aren't out never give them a reason never give them a reason never give him a fucking reason you know, I see people

and they tell you with stories and they come back again, you should fucking know better. Remember the night we almost got pulled over? By the diner in North Hollywood diner when we pulled it into the cop thing. The cops were looking at that kid. They got away, started running, and there we are. So they saw two people in the car,

so they thought I had picked the hitchhiker up. They got right behind us. What? They thought I had picked the kid up because it was him and I getting a milkshake. They pulled up right behind us. I shit a fucking prick, man. They got out of the car.

car, they're going to wave their guns. They're looking for a fucking kid. We saw the kid. We saw the kid fucking running. It's not like when you see. If I'm telling you you right now, I'm driving at night sober, no weed in my car, I'm still paranoid. I still have a little paranoia in me. Even if I'm not a

criminal, I have no warrants, no warrants, nothing. I get pulled over. I shit my pants. That's why I do not drink. I have zero, zero tolerance drinking rule. Zero. When I'm in the comedy store, listen, you don't want, man, I love you to death. I'm already high.

I don't want to smoke. I don't want it on my persona. I don't want to know it. I got an edible in me. They'll never know. I got vizene in my eyes. Don't never fucking know. Leave them to fuck alone.

I do with a speed limit, double. Right, Lee. I don't fuck it right now. Pretty much. My dad was freaked out in the car. What did he say? Well, because you took that turn that left right after the comedy store, and he was high, so he saw the cars coming.

He looked, does Joey always drive that crazy? It's a easy on you. Your dad had a good time? I had a great time, yeah. We had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun. It's just, it's cool being older and spending, like, actual time with them. It's fun. Listen, man, the coolest thing in the world is to be old and still be relevant in somebody's life.

I can't imagine being 74 when kids coming up to me and putting a joint in my mouth and saying, Grandpa, what up? And I'm not even that grandpa. Yeah. They just see me and go, hey, man, my big brother used to listen to you. You want to get high? and I'd be like fucking, even if I didn't get high and I had a fucking oxygen machine,

if I'm 78, if I'm 78 and two young kids come up to me and said, my brother said he saw you at the improv one night, you want to get high? You ever get high with somebody old? Yeah. They have a great time. A great time. They have, especially if you get them high for the first fucking time.

Ari's dad is coming to the show on Thursday night. Ari Shafia at the DC. That's going to be so fun. And I threatened Ari. I'm going to give them a start. Don't do it. Don't do it. His dad's never, never smoked or never been high.

I don't know. I gave him the CBDs for his arthritis. Mr. Schaffir's a trip, you know. And I played the message for Steve Simone, and we both were like, that's where Ari gets, his loyalty. You can hear it in this guy's voice. He's got like that Yiddish accent. Right. You know, and it's just amazing.

What a great message he left me about. He'd love to reciprocrate the favor. If you're ever in the D.C. area, please don't have. hesitate to go. At least let me feed you. So Ari said, they want to come see you Thursday night, so put them on the list. That's awesome. She'll give them a little edible, what do you think, to make

them dancing? Slipping one. What kind of Jew would I be if I wouldn't give them a fucking other? How could the fucking Jew god look at me and go, Joey? You're slipping. That is a top Jew I sent to you and you leave him fucking open-handed. Top Jew. Fuck, yeah. You've got to give

fucking respect to the top fucking Jews, you know what I'm saying? Put in their food. Have like a waitress, slip it in whenever they're eating. Nah, that's Mr. Shafi. I let him know what he's... You know, I don't want him to go home

and see a devil and say fucking Joey. Tased me. Tased me. You get back to Baltimore all the time? I don't get back as much as I want to these days. I used to go at least once a year. It's been two since I've been back.

We just had a baby, so... Who's left in Baltimore? So I have a twin brother, a fraternal twin brother, left, Delaware, and my younger brother lives in Baltimore. I've got my cousins who, I was raised by basically grandmoms and everything. We have a product of divorce, so extended family.

So I'm tight with third cousins, great aunts help raise me, stuff like that. So all them are all still there. Not to insult anybody. Don't think it as an insult. How bad is your life when you move to Delaware? Oh, my God. I've been to Delaware. Holy shit.

My brother lives there, and I don't know how much. He does? But that's where he had to move to change. Like his wife said to him, I have a sister down there, and there ain't dick to do. If you're into boredom, like, they have two beaches, though. The summers are good. Yeah, they're stuff down.

The summers are good. But the winters he said, even my brother said, dog, it's brutal. There ain't dick. I go, where's the bar? He goes, there's a bar. I go. He gets coke from time to time down there. They got coke at least.

Everybody's got cut. Well, the college, my brother went to you, Delaware. So there must be at least some college town. I don't know wherever that is. But you're, I mean, you're, you might as well be on an island. You really, you know what I mean? Like, you're so far away from everyone else, two, three hours away from everybody, you know, that you know. So unless they're coming to the beach and you're on the way, that's you get the stop by.

You know what I mean? That's so far to pack up a family and go visit somebody three hours back and forth. And then, you know, but. You got the ferry coming down from Jersey because I know my brother takes the ferry down. Yeah, Philly's close. a lot of Eagle fans down in that area and stuff too, but it's cheap. It's where a lot of people can afford these days too, you know what I mean? Property tax is so low and there's no sales tax.

It's weird when you go get something that says it's 367 and then they go 367. You're like, oh yeah, there's no fucking sales tax here. So it's got its advantages, but yeah, you got to like to do a lot of nothing. I never thought about that. Is there sales tax on houses? I have no idea. It's a good question. In California, it's 10%.

That's a fucking lot of money. There's a lot of fucking... California, they rape you from A to fucking Z. When you're looking to buy a home, especially now with the price of the home. Is it crazy? It's fucking crazy. It's just, you see these homes and you go, two bedrooms.

Even if I can afford that, I need another bedroom. I need an office. And another bathroom. Boom. You need a fucking two and a half back. You got to have a two and a half. And when you have family, I like that. Listen, give me the small cubicle in the back.

That's just a shitter and a sink. I'm good. That's all I need. I've turned that into the Tye's fucking mall back there. I just need it wide enough to give a good leg spread. And I'll tell you a friend of mine, so we grew up together. His name's Eric. I won't say his last name. But he ended up developing this crazy stomach problem in college.

So they were giving them all this shit to drink to try to figure it out. They're lighting them up. They can't figure it out. And he's got at this time now, he had a kid young, so he's got a little girl. And he's just shitting himself with no warm. morning. He's going to the hospital. Like, what the fuck's going on me? Like, I don't even know what's coming and bam, bam. So, that's what the fucking happened? So,

now I forgot the fuck I was saying. Your friend, you shit himself, man? He shit himself. Yeah, he couldn't stop. So he went to the hospital? So he went to the hospital, and I forgot what the fuck I was going to say. The star just crept up on me. Fuck, yeah. My question to you was when this thing was going down with the police in Baltimore, two months ago, where you can be able to. Well, you can be a lot of you. communicate with your family at home. What were they saying to you? Were the streets deadly? It was a different part of town. Yeah, it's definitely a different part of town. It's the part of town that no white people go in, you know, that they're not there. So a buddy of mine

has a junkyard there in Baltimore and he was talking to, he's close to it. So he was talking to the people in the neighborhood and the, you know, the normal people, the people that live there and work there and they're like, they just burn down our CVS. So now we have to go get our prescriptions somewhere else. They don't realize how much they put the community out. Like, we all got to go to this other one that's going to be overflown. We're not going to get our shit. They burned that one man's business down, you know, the business in their community.

So, you know, there's a, and then you hear all the other sides of the story with, you know, the Ravens are out there and the Orioles are out there and you're hearing it from the organization. So it's been an ongoing thing that I think exists in a lot of cities. And I think, like you said, they're waiting for that spark. and, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if we saw it again in Detroit or Chicago or somewhere else, especially at this rate. And it's only going to get worse because there's more shoot, like, there's more movie theater shootings. So the only way to stop that is by putting more police out there.

If you think about it, there has to be, they're going to stop putting cops at movie theaters. When I worked in a movie theater, there were cops there on weekends? There were? Yeah, fuck yeah. In the theaters or like in the lobby area? In the lobby area. So they would need more. But I mean.

With guns? By least you can neutralize the shooter. Sure. And you're there and you have a response team there. Yeah. You know, they're big enough chains. Those chains charge $6 for that fucking popcorn, you know? You go get popcorn at the 20 and then the fucking entrance is a fucking 20 for you.

You should be protected. Yeah, you should be fucking protected. I'm not, you know. And listen. How much more vulnerable can you be in a dark room with your back to everything? And your guard down. Completely down. And if you're watching Mission Impossible, there's people shooting.

Yeah. So the first 10 bullets, you don't even fucking know. And that's what everyone else thinks in the other theaters. That's what they've said in the world. Guys, this is not good. This is not good. This is right now a studio had to sit and they're going, listen, we're about to lose. Educated people are going to not.

They're going to wait until the movie comes out. Especially what the TVs people have now? That's it. That's it. I'm not going. I'm not risking it. You know, only, you know, the other day I was watching, they sentenced the kid to life in jail and people were angry. And the lady who, you know, let's see.

Listen, I love mercy. And one thing I've told Terry since day one, what anybody's children is, I would never put mercy in a bad position, i.e., there's no reason for mercy to go to the comedy store. You know, people think it's cute. I'm bringing my kid, listen, there's no fucking reason. There's no reason for mercy to be

in the screening of Batman at midnight. At any age, they took a baby into the movie theater. I mean, God bless the baby, so on the mother, but listen, you fucked up. You know, your child is a fucking month hole. or old and you're going to see Batman, Batman's not important. Right. In your fucking life.

Yeah. Then we, you know what? One part of me, you should have been shot in a fucking head. Yeah. If Batman is that fucking important to you at midnight, you know? And this is what I don't understand. This is the other thing. Like, we become a fucking weak country by even support, you know, Batman, the Fantastic Four, all these fucking movies.

How old are you? If you're over 12, I can't see you going to one of those fucking movies. Seriously. I'm not being cute here. If you're over 13, I cannot. see an adult going to one of those fucking movies. That's all that go to those movies. That fucking tells you the society we live in.

Yeah, I haven't seen any of that stuff. I would not go to a fucking superhero movie. Some of them are good? If you fucking paid me. Do you watch them at home? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm watching them at home. Oh, my gosh.

Some of them are good. My fucking Kaypal. That first Iron Man was good. All those three Batman's were good. The one Iron Man I went to see was 22 minutes too long. They wouldn't die They wouldn't kill him with the fucking guy I can't deal with that

There's a chance to go home Let's go End this fucking thing They don't have an ending For these fucking movies That's because there's always a fucking sequel It's a beginning And then there's no fucking ending

It's this garbage ending Listen Listen Here's what kills me about a movie That you people are listening to me And you're like Joey's a fucking asshole He talks about movies Let me give you my perspective

I came to a country And anybody who walks into the United States of America before immigration and you ask them those stupid fucking questions, pull them aside and ask them, what really made you come into this country? And they're going to tell you three things.

Those three things, they're going to tell you American film and how it influenced me. Scarface, the beginning. What does he say in the pitch meeting? When they got him sitting down in immigration, I see the guys like Humphrey Bogart, James Gagney, any fucking immigrant that comes in here

when they see a big screen in a movie theater, your heart stops. When you see an American film on a movie theater, your heart stops. Your heart stops. Every fucking immigrant that comes in here has their favorite movie or pictures America how that movie is described. They will tell you, you know,

Lucky Lady or every Russian watched the one with fucking Robin Williams, suicide boy. What movie he made? Moscow on the Hudson. You know, every Russian saw that fucking movie. Suicide boy. Rocky Four. Yeah, Rocky Four.

They're coming. You know, they see those movies, and it means something to them. So when I came to this country, yeah, I saw fucking The Love Bug, which, come on, guy, when you can't speak English, and there's no subtitles, because I never like subtitles. Until today, I won't go see a movie. Is that how you learn English? I learned English by watching American television. I learned English by going, and it's the weirdest fucking thing. because when people have this argument about their children not watching TV,

I shut my fucking mouth. But if they ask me, I go, I lived on TV for the first years of my life. I know the Dick Van Dyke show Word for Word. I know three of mother-in-laws word for word because that's how I learned English. I would compare what they said and then read signs and put two and two together at the age of four and five. But I still remember going to see the love bug. The America's strongest man with Jam Michael Vincent

when he picks up the weights and his arms fall down. Come on, guys. There was a couple of them that you go see as a child, chitty-chitty-bang-bang. Oh, I remember chitty-chitty-bang-b. Dr. Doolittle with the fucking animals. Also, I wanted to collect two of everything. Whatever the fuck it was.

Wizard of Oz came on every year. He was on TV. And then you got like a crazy uncle. On the Saturday, your mom is busy, and she ain't even fucking thinking. She ain't even think it right She's like, hey, do you mind going With your uncle on Saturday?

He's like, yeah You know, in fact, I'm gonna take mine And you're like, what? And all of a sudden, he picks you up And he's like, listen, what more are we going to see? You're like, you know, bananas, you know, whatever. And he's like, no, we're going to see a Charles Bronson. And at first, you're furious.

Fucking Charles Bronson. Who the fuck, whatever the fuck it was. For me, I think it was, yeah. Or it was Clint Eastwood. It was one of those dirty Harry ones that they took me to. I was in shock. No, no, no, no, no. It was early in that.

It was either Stone Killer. What either Stone Killer come out with Charles Bronson or the Velocci Papers. First time you were a little kid, a Cuban kid? 73. It was before that. Which one is that one? Velocci papers. Stone killers?

Volachi papers. F or V? V. Okay. It was one of those gangster movies. I remember still going to see Death Wish. And going home. 72.

And going home and like looking in the dictionary to see what Vigilante meant. Yeah. Like Vigilante was the biggest word I knew at that age. And I couldn't wait to go to school and drop it on these motherfuckers. And I fucking, you know, I got that movie. In fact, go to YouTube, Death Wish, Rape Scene. That was the first rape scene I ever saw in my life that I should have never seen. Okay, same situation.

Same thing. I was at a birthday party. The adults were watching something in the room. And we had trickled in, get some more Kool-Aid, whatever, maybe like nine. Do you remember the original bad boys? It was Sean Penn. Oh, yeah. The kid from...

Is it is it, Issaim Marales? Is it right? La Bamba. He was Richie Vance's brother. He hits him with the billow case. Yeah, full of soda cans. Yeah. But that guy, I think it was a revenge thing.

He raped his girlfriend because Sean Pan killed his brother or something. They raped her on the outside. Is it this one? I want I have my mouse on. Rape 2. Which one? It says there's two of them. Oh, no, no, no.

Death Wish. But, so, that's the same way I saw. That's what's part one. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, my brother. Yeah, that's it. Part 2.11. That's it.

2.11. They follow a home. Look at, look who it is. Look who the rapists is. Turn around, guys. Look at the rapaces. You guys didn't see that? Uh-oh.

Look who it is. That dude? No. Look. Oh, that's, uh, uh, Goldblum. Yeah, yeah. Eric fucking Goldblum. This is what year?

73? Let me look at it up. Jeff Goldblum. Jeff Goldblum. Yeah, that is him. This is a weird fucking, 74. This is a weird fucking, uh, this is a weird trilogy because then they moved to L.A. And they got raped again.

Who moves to a different city and gets raped again? You got to be the kiss of death at that point. At that point, you got to put one of those things on your pussy, like, in the medieval times. Lock. Lock it down. But yeah, so I was at the party, and I remember seeing him lay on her. He raped her underneath a train. The train goes by as she screams.

They can't hear her scream. And I knew what he was doing, and I knew it wasn't right. But I remember asking what's happening. And I'll never forget one of the adults quickly said, he's biting her. And I said, yeah, I don't. I don't want to tell us what the fuck's going on. But yeah, that's exactly what, that's where I saw it. In that movie, it's shocking.

It was shocking. It's never left me. It's never left me. I have the same story, but, uh, how far? Keep going. Just keep going. Let's see what you'll see. They go in. There you go.

Watch this. This is a horrible. When you're fucking 10, this is horrible. This is horrible. I remember they ripped his shirt or something and I fucking, I almost shit in my pants. When gets hurt, Mother, just hold still. Don't move. What do you want?

Don't jive, Mother. You know what we want. It's not going to hurt us. Not if you got money. Nobody, nobody. Hey, mother. Look at the Artis doing his eye. Beautiful, mother. My purse is in the kitchen.

Just stand still. We do as they say, Carol. Where is your purse? A fucking swatstick that's 1974. I'll fucking believe. Where's the class, huh? Where's the fucking class? Shit, you only got four bucks. I got three of two bits.

You're going to get this shit kicked out of you, mother. It's all we have. Rich people like you? Shit, we want money, mother. Now, get it. It's true. That's all we have. Oh, shit.

Look at the singer from the smashing pumpkins. Yeah, I was going to say, it looks like Billy Corrig. Like Billy Corby before the songwriter. Jesus. Yeah, this is 19th. This is disturbing. This is disturbing. You've seen this at 10?

10. It's heavy now. They say Trump was bad to women. Jesus Christ. Trump never did that to Rosie O'Donleck. That's disturbing for a young man. That's fucked my world up. Oh, man.

I don't even know if I should put this on the street from me. Man, this is a, this is a much harder one than the one I watched. The only one I had to watch was him lay on it from the point of view. Yeah, lay on. This is horrible. I turn off, Lee, that's it. What, what the fuck? You're going to prolong the drama. I'm over here fucking crying. You might as well put on the fucking champ. What's his name?

No, that, oh, shit. Lating the mood a little bit. Yeah, just to pick it up. What the fuck? We got some time. I want you to know, I rallied around the star, and I remembered the story I forgot to tell. See? So we were talking about, that's tight.

This is the fucking. I love Tony Bennett. We were talking about having the two and a half bath, okay? A friend of mine developed that crazy stomach problem, couldn't stop shitting. Goes to his wife's company Christmas party at someone's townhouse in Maryland, okay? And when you walk in, like townhouse, you walk in and it's got stairs that go up, but they sort of go back deep, not terribly wide, but a little bit. And there's always a half bath right when you walk in the front door right there on your right. Just a toilet and a sink, okay? He's got these

shit problems. He's going upstairs to the main bathroom. He's going to the second one. They're all being used. It's a small townhouse with like 100 people in it. And he's telling his wife, he's like, I'm going to shit in that half bath. And the living room is packed full of people eating and everything. She's like, don't do it. He's like, I'm going to have to shit. I'm going to have to go in there and do it. And he just says, sorry. And he went and did it And I mean, he said he was in there for 25 minutes It came out

He said the food, everything He ruined everything The party fucking, they all left They all fucking left And she had to go back and work with He didn't have to see him She had to see him They were like, man

Your husband shit this house up And ruin the fucking That's a horrible Horrible situation That's horrible That's horrible. But you need that half-bath Listen man I used to do a lot of coke

So I go to people's houses I do two bumps of coke and the first thing you got to do is take the shit and I tell them you got another bathroom they go no use that one like oh Jesus and listen the worst shit you'll take are the ones in somebody's house the sticky ones you get two rolls of toilet paper

they don't have no more rolling paper you got to fucking yell out for them for fucking toilet paper the worst shits I have to take are when I'm out you know at that coffee shop we go to Marie E.T. Oh really? And you got to run to the bathroom and then there's somebody in there shit already I get furious yeah well sometimes I just

drink coffee and got to pee and I run to the bathroom and somebody took a shit in that bathroom, my blood pressure goes 200 over. I get furious people who shit on the outside because I try my heart as not the shit in the street. I really do. I really fucking do. I hate and it always have to shit when I'm leaving the house it seems

like when I'm just about to leave the house normal. That's why I'm calm. I get up at 6th I give myself a few hours. Fake it out a little bit. There's people who leave the house and expect to go to somebody else's place or residence or business and fuck up their back. As your friend, I understand. He was very sick. I don't want people coming over to my house and

take this shit. No, hell no. Not like that. You know when people come over and they look like Ari will come to your house and go, can they use your bathroom? That means fucking you're done. You're done. You're done. I haven't had a house with a guy for a while. My dad was just here. There was a family story that he went, we went to hit my aunt's house, his sisters, and he pooped and then my cousin went in and impuged. She was like 10. She came in the smell. She came in crying. Uncle Dickie, you made my,

you made me puke from your poop. How many, how many fucking places that I go to them when I was doing blow and I destroyed the bathroom to the point where the toilet got stuck? Because when you do cocaine, it loosens everything up. You start dropping everything. Everything.

Pah, paw, legs, chicken wings, bones. Oh my God, it's fucking horrible. I miss cocaine. There's a matchbox. That's the one thing about cocaine. You do? it and it cleans you out and then you're running on an empty stomach the rest of the night.

Your stomach is growling but you don't want to eat because you're fucking doing bad. It's tremendous. I'll never forget. My grandmother used to tell me this story all the time. My grandmother was hip and she and one of our cousins, he was older, but they shared a birthday, December 8th, I believe. And they would always get together for coffee and hang out on their birthday. And they went to this place that was called White Coffee Pot Jr.

you're back in Baltimore and they were sitting down having coffee. My grandma said, oh, my God, I need to use the bathroom. So she goes into the ladies room. She's telling us this. And she sits, she squats over the toilet and she's got terrible diarrhea. And she said, I cleaned myself. And when I was done, I turned around to put the toilet paper in and nothing was in the toilet.

And she said, I looked up on the wall and it was everywhere. It sprayed all up on the wall. And she's like, oh, my God. So she runs out and washes her hands. And as she's getting ready to. come out. Here comes a female attendant to clean it. My grandmother just looked at her and goes, I don't look

with some sick son of a bitch in there. Dude, that's disgusting. Hold ass out of there. Grab my cousin and said, we're getting the fuck out of here. Yeah, it was the timing of death. She just thought quick. Like, it's fucking disgusting. I can't even be in here. I almost shit myself the other day. I was at the urinal when my mom,

my dad and Paula met and I was taking a piss and I thought I had to fart. And it almost came out. I was able to stop it at the last minute. It's a horrible situation when you shit yourself. I do it once a year. Just do it. You don't know.

Only once a year? You eat like bad food. You don't know. You go there for the first time. People are like, oh, it's great food. And you go in there and they give you that fucking canned shrimp. That canned shrimp goes through me. Like water, yeah.

Last week, a bunch of my friends said that golden chopsticks is good. I'm Laurel Canyon. I've always driven by it. It's good. So the other and I go, you know what, honey? You want Chinese? I want Chinese. Let's go to the golden chopsticks.

Mercy didn't want to go nowhere, so I'll go get it. We ordered it on the phone. The shrimp was horrible. The wings were delicious until you bit into them, and then you could see they were glued together. Like the 7-Eleven wings, they're purple. They got like the low-grade of wings. The chickens got cancer or something.

They got weak wings. Their wings break. The wings were delicious. The best wings in LA, 10 and my wife was saying, best wings you could ever have in L.A. I had rice on La Ciena next to Vito's pizza down there. Oh, I know where they used to be a place named rice next door. Now it's something else.

They served sushi. But 15 years ago, when I was 418, only thing I got to be 418, I would go to rice and get three order of wings. 6 to an order garlic wings. No sauce, no blue cheese, no celery, just fucking wing meat with garlic juice on it. Chinese style fresh, delicious.

6.95 apiece. Really? 895. I didn't give a fuck. Me and my wife were going on to get the lunch special on three, order of fucking wings. The tables, and my wife said to me, she was, we never had those wings again.

Just delicious. And this place, the wings were, like I said, I didn't get sick the next day. I'm not going to lie to you. The pork fried rice was, I didn't eat a lot of it. The shrimp and garlic sauce was just horrific. And it was the shrimp. If they were to use the size bigger,

once you give me those little shrimp, you're insulting me. Yeah, thank you. You want to use those for shrimp fried rice? I'm not mad at you. but for shrimp and garlic sauce you got to go a little bigger and we got something else I ate some white rice and that was it I love shrimp but I don't get it very many places like it's if I don't I'll have to go to like a Thai place for a while

before I try like their shrimp pat tie I'm a seafood snob man people shrimp cooking like two minutes people overcook them they're always rubbery and shit and then you start freezing them they don't have to freeze them they'll fuck all that shit up I told my wife to stop buying the shrimp from Costco yeah same thing the big bag we went

and then you would go out and eat shrimp and you're like, Jesus, that tastes like real fucking shrimp. They give me that old, and I totally, that's that old fucking, some Jew, listen, when they dropped that Exxon 11, some fucking Jew was like, go down there and buy everything up, sharks, everything that's floating with oil. We'll wash this shit off and we'll freeze it. We'll freeze this shit.

And that's what they did. Some fucking sick, fucking, like dude, went down there with a... You're probably right, though. I think I'm kidding. They don't show you that shit. They gotta save them fish. If they weren't sold here, they were sold somewhere else. They were sold somewhere else.

They scoop those little Exxon oil fish before the oil goes into the skin. The BP one, I think you're saying. You'll BP, Exxon, they're all cousins. Yeah, they're all of them. You wash those motherfuckers off and you freeze them. You put some salt and pepper on them to freeze them like that, and you sell them to fucking whoever. They don't know what the fuck you're.

And that's why I think that Costco shrimp is. It's definitely, like, related to that shrimp. Like they're second cousins to that oil fucking shrimp. All right, so you're going to school at Northridge. Oh, yeah. Now, when the fuck do you go? I'm going to get into stand-up comedy. Well, all right.

So at 20 years old, a friend of mine was dating a girl whose dad was managing a club in Baltimore called Winchester's on Water Street at the time. I'm 20. And he was like, I think you should just try. Go try it. So I tried it. And it did well, and I liked it. And, you know, the funny thing is this is 94. No, 93.

And they paid me $50 to open. Fast forward to 2015. You get into the improv, $50 to open. I still think that's amazing. So I do it for a few months, and then a bunch of life shit happens. And I don't start again until I move out here. I moved out here. So let me backtrack a little bit.

I've always wanted to come to California. I've always loved comedy. Wanted to get in. I didn't know if it would be stand up or what it would be, but I wanted to be here. So I used college as a way to get here. I'm majoring in mass communication, got my AA at community college. And the day I'm coming to Cal State Northridge, I got, you know, in, I'm going to have a room with three other guys. I'm like, oh, good, I'll meet people, you know, get out to California where I want to be.

Northridge isn't that far from Hollywood. I can do shows. And I'm sleeping at my friend's place. and his mom wakes me up and she's like, turn the TV on. And I turn it on and she's like, you don't have a college. And I'm like, what? I thought it was a dream.

Like, what's going on? And it turns out the Northridge quake hit Northridge, is the epicenter, destroyed the college. It was on MLK day. So fortunately, not a lot of people died because, you know, offices are closed, all that thing, all that stuff.

That was January of 94. That's right. It's exactly right. January of 94. I'm coming here and I'm going to go to school and I'm going to do start stand up when I'm here. But then the earthquake happens and I come anyway. And I met a dude through a friend and just live with him in January. Actually, it ended up being Dice's old place.

He used to get his mail all the time. Andrew Silverstein's mail used to come to us all the time there. And then I finally get out to Northridge because we didn't start the semester until February because the school was destroyed. I mean, you would drive these streets. Were you out here then? No. No.

You would drive the streets. I mean, think of, try to picture in your mind a business front, just tilt it on its face. I mean, just destroyed. Fires coming up through the streets from the gas pipes and families at the corner of Recita and, like, Burbank, there's a big park. And people who didn't have homes were in tents, and the National Guard bordered it for them and protected them in there. Like, it was fucked up. I mean, it was a big earthquake. So finally, we start in February.

And I'm like, all right, you know, I'm going to go to class, and I'm on a sidewalk. I'm under a tree. I'm in a trailer. And the whole time now I'm in also a, I'm splitting a, I'm sharing a bathroom with some other guy on the other side of this little studio, which is now I'm not meeting anyone. You know what I mean? I'm just walking a class in the place is devastated. So I go back home in the summer. I come back and they're like, hey, you're not an in-state student.

We can't admit you because we've got to let all. the end states back were bringing you know they're trying to get money and i'm out of state but they wanted to give me money to live there and i just didn't i wasn't going to owe some institution money to just chill in california so i drove back to maryland graduated from talson and then came back and that's when i really started to uh what year was that that was 97 and i got into improv first and i did the groundlings and i went through i went into the writing lab and at that point it was started to become, you can start auditioning for the Sunday company and that,

but I didn't want to do that. I was already doing stand-up while I was doing it, and I just wanted to write and learn how to do that, and build characters and tell stories, and then just took that back to doing stand-up. The reason I got back into stand-up was because I went to do the groundlings, and they have, like, a

between, like, level one and two, there can be up to a year waiting list. And I just didn't want to stop the momentum I had started with comedy, so I was like, you know what, I'm going to go back to stand-up, and that's when I First show, I met Sam Tripoli, and I mean, we've been buddies ever fucking since. I saw him do that goddamn stripper in a wheelchair, and I was like, I fucking love this guy. I love him.

And then it's just been, you know, built from starting then. You know, I would just do, my first start, I would do once a month. It wasn't until I was probably two years of just gigging and doing mics that I started to, I got into the improv through the comedy store and started, started, just. just opening and I opened for, you know, a lot of comics because it was easier to get opening work than it was featured because a lot of those guys brought their dude back in the day. So that's how I got into it and then just stayed doing stand-up. I just, I love stand-up, but podcasting, I mean, it's my new, you know, you guys have been at it a while and I haven't, but it's my new favorite format.

I mean, I love the freedom and the, you know, openness and being able to be you for a while and, you know, Well, you've been a pretty popular podcast. You've been doing it for a while. Yeah, we've been doing it a while. But, you know, there's, you know, guys Rogan and Carolla and Marin. These guys have just blazing, trailblazers, though, hard with it. We're still here. A lot of people have started and gotten out of it.

I got to tell you, I've always had a really emotional side towards Baltimore. And you know what? I got a memory for all dumb shit. And I could sit here and I don't know the name of the club. I went to Michigan when I started coming. I went to Dearborn to a place called Joey's in Dearborn. I think it was Joey's. It was that chain.

And they were very nice to me. And the guy that was, his name was Ed Belasca. And after my first weekend there, he booked me for a month in the month of August. I went there Memorial Day weekend. And he goes, do you want to MC? He goes, in the summer it's slow. So I do a two-man show. I'll put you in the hotel.

And your house MC. I said, okay. He goes, do you have any other work? I go, not really. Whatever they give me in Denver. He goes, I got a buddy in Baltimore. I'll give him a call. And he came back in, and he goes, this guy said,

if you drive there this week, he needs an MC. They paid me $300, Lee. And I drove to Baltimore, and they put me in a condo across the street, and they had just rebuilt the waterfront. Yeah, the harbor. The harbor. And that's where the club was, okay? Until this day, the guy was very nice to me.

They fed me. I ate shit. I'm not going to lie to you guys and tell you. He did call me back. I'm lying to you guys. Was it slapstick? back then? Jesus fucking, I don't know. I know the guy was as sweet as

by he didn't bring in national headlines he brought in local guys once a month. He had Pauly Shore and at that time he had Anthony the nice kid from the show was coming in. Boston show. The Boston kid. Yeah. I did last comic

Clark. Anthony Clark. He didn't have a, but besides that it was guys from Detroit and guys from Albany and the time I did it was a guy from Detroit who got me in with you. Yoder. So you see how it works? He got me in with Yoda. I forget what his sister ended up marrying the

singer with the dreads and he beat her and cheated on it. But he got me into the Yoder and to the Milwaukee room. This is how comedy works. Yeah. You know, a lot of people think blah, blah, blah. So by me going to Baltimore for $300, I featured for this dude and

the feature act was a black dude that was cool as fuck. And he goes, I usually headline but I took this because I come down here to eat the crab cakes on my sister Lucy. So we started talking he goes, where do you want to work?

And I said, I want to, he goes, call me in a week. I called him in a week. He called Yoda. There was no package. There was no tape. There was nothing. Yoda gave me like two hell gigs. And I didn't call Yoda for years.

But in the meantime, he got me into co-headlining at the comedy cafe with the gangsters. You ever worked for them? J.D., when he used to own the motorcycle gang. He used to run the motorcycle gang. So the whole staff was fucking

this gangster suits oh really and he weighed 500 pounds he was a big Indian looking Samoan motherfucker JD and he would

pay you with a gun on his desk it was crazy Thursday night he would take you the dinner to this fucking place like the booia tribe oh my god this guy had always hot chicks

always hot strippers every time you went there Thursday night he'd take you to this fucking dynamite home cooking place home cooking and Milwaukee

sat Friday he fed you at the club and then Saturday if there was two feet of snow on the ground there was a guy outside grilling dog he paid a guy like three bills to build like an igloo and grill shit and I'm talking about real deal barbecue with beef and shit he took care of you he was cheap to pay you that's why

I didn't go back I did it twice the condo oh my God if there was ever a worst condo award that one would be in the top fucking voting the couch was worst. It was like beige from all the sperm

throughout the years. It was sp- and you could smell it. What color was it originally? Oh my God. Like a green, like a fucking lime green. Every room was different. Every room had tape on the windows and a fucking gate. You know, like a fire gate so nobody could break in.

The back window had a waterbed from the 60s with a mirror on the ceiling. The fucking bathroom was disgusting. I decided, as a head line to take Jody Furdig with me as the feature act. And I had to pick her up. She passed out in the car from being drunk.

You know, Jody? Yeah. Okay, she passed out in the car on the drive. She got a bottle of Zambuca somewhere, one of those fucking exotic drinks. I said, drink the thing. I'm just going to drive. We get there at four in the morning.

There's a full of snow. I pick her up. I put her on the chair when that poor girl woke up. She's like, Joe Diaz, we're out. This is the cow. It was disgusting. It was disgusting. Lasting people.

Horrid. Was that the worst one you've ever been at? A hotel in Wyoming one time, which I could not believe till this day. I just remembered it. I just remembered it recently. What else? The La Jolla Comedy Club?

The comedy store, La Jolla County Condo, on the beach and everything, but I saw two rats in that motherfucker that would rival a New York City rat. And listen, people, to listen to the church. You know, I don't bullshit, you motherfuckers. Once I see a rat,

I shake your hand, that's all over, and I'll never come back to your house again. And if I see a mouse, same fucking thing. If I see a lizard, I'll make a comeback. But a mouse, a fucking waterbug, we got no reason to talk, because if they're in your living room, they're in your cabinets,

walking on your fucking wonderbread. I know how those fucking water bugs. Silverfish, how do you feel about those little mice, those little field mice? I see a Field Mouse, that's the last time I'll talk to you again. But it's funny, you were talking about Northridge. When Northridge hit 94, I was a full-time starving comic hustler. And if I got to tell you about the times I was having a great time.

The only thing that was eating away at me at that time was my beef with my ex and her husband. At that time, we were going to kill each other. But besides that, guys, I didn't have it that bad. I had a Joey Dia style. I had a job which paid me like 600 a month. That covered my Coke bill. And then everything else I lived by was whatever I stole or I put together. It was fucking ridiculous.

But I had people on contract back then. Like I tell a story about that time when I had a guy came up to me. He goes, I want to join the mafia. He goes, how do I join the mafia? I'm a telling him. That's easy. I'll make a call. You send some money.

They'll take care of you. This guy gave me like two grand. He come up to me every six months. I thought I never got a leather. I never got nothing. Howard taught it was. But I had this guy. Listen to me.

It's fucking. And he still calls me once a year. He lives up and like, but his wife's a millionaire. His wife's a stockpocket who hit big or something. And he just drives her around and picks the kids up. I can't, you know. But then. But you have to feel like, he just thinks like, yeah, I'm going to ask an Italian gun.

I had a guy. We should just send him a certificate. I had a guy I put together for like a pound of weed, like for a month. I knew he was, he wanted the weed. And like, every time I'd see him, I don't have it for you. But pretty soon he goes, I got the money at the house. Guys, even when I needed money to eat and snort blow, I wouldn't hit this guy up. Because I knew all I had to do was asking me the 800 was going to be there for me.

I put him together on weed that didn't exist. You understand me? Martians, green, red flowers. And I'm like, at the draw. And he's like, come on. can make money. $800. What am I going to get it?

Because I had some weed other time. I told him it was $800. Dog, I went to this kid. I went to this kid before I went to New York. I robbed this other guy for a valium shipment.

I told this other guy, I gave me $1,000. I'll give you $300, and I'll be back on an hour. Pee-Un. And on the way out of town. These guys are handed it over before they get the money all the time.

I was around, listen, I'm the best. I could set anybody up because I would give you time. Amateurs will call Lee and go, Lee, I'm gonna bind, give me three dollars and Lee or cool. No, Joey,

but if I call the Eagle, Lee, at about a week I'm gonna call you, I'm getting this Coke. That would I tell you about the chink? Well, who's the chink? The chink. He's a Colombian dude. They call him the chink. He gives you cocaine in a fucking leaf, and he gives you an orange peel

for you to suck on at the end of the night. So you come down off the cocaine. And people go, what are you talking about? Listen, it's like 3,000 an ounce. He's gonna give it. was for 2200. All right? Give me about a week.

And people would hang up on me. And then I torment them little by little. It's the best Coke you've ever seen. And if you're an addict like I was, I know how to get into your head. And I would just set you out. Slow game. And I would slow game.

And then now you'd want to give me the money. Now you'd say to me, what are you going to give me the fucking blow? I'm sick of here. Not a bugging a fuck out of you. The chinks coming at town next week. Out of the 2200. Over.

Boom. Lights out. But this poor kid in Boulder gave me 800 for, pound. Do you know five years later I'm at a girl's house in New York and the phone rings and she looks

at me and she goes, it's rents for you. And she gives me the phone and I'm like, hello? And the guy's like, hey, what about my eating at an hour? Like, we're smoking it right now. But anyway, I had this kid he had

a Chinese restaurant across the street from Mustard's last stand. In Boulder, there's a hot dog place from Chicago hot dogs. That's a great name. With pickles in that motherfucker. Mustards last stand. That's fucking great. And across the street was a Chinese restaurant those days.

I put together for comedy, right? So I put them together for comedy. I had my friends do me a huge favor. I had this kid, Todd Jordan, and this kid Rick Cairns. I made the bar guy give me a little-in-all-tab, and I told him to give me $3.50. And for the comedians. So I gave Todd Jordan 100.

50 I gave the feature 100 I kept 100 so whatever that comes out to be so I made a little money and then but Ron sold $3,000 at the bar he had never sold that much and I read I met Ron selling neon I used to sell neon door to door so I come in give you a fly with an open sign and then 10 how much you want for the open in those days open signs were just becoming popular 200 I don't stall it for you 200 I give you a little yes we're open signs yeah and he goes 200 I give you 150 in Chinese food, $50. No, fuck that, Ron. I want $200 and $100 and a hundred in credit, cucked. Okay, he was wrong. Okay, his name was Ron.

You were installed right now. Do you know how long I milked Ron for? I had Ron paying my rent. I had Ron giving me, Ron was a bad motherfucker. For one sign? Listen, one sign he paid me $200 for, and it cost him $10,000. In those days, when I put my hooks in it, it was all over. It cost them $10,000.

And then I did the comedy show, and I put money in this pocket. And if you know anything about Chinese people, once they do $3,000 at the bar, they lose their mind. He would call me every day. And I knew I had Ron. I go, Ron, listen, I got it. So I had Ron for like a year on the, I had Ron on the, listen to this. I had Ron. Ron still hasn't recovered.

Ron's going through his books alike. There's this whole area right here that's all in the fucking red. I had Ron. He would never be a Facebook friend. I would call Ron. Hello, who's there? Ron, this Joe D. Ron, you're going to be there in 10 minutes?

Yeah, yeah. What going on? What go on, Joe? Listen, I got a big deal going on. I'll be down there in 10 minutes. I'm going to tell you all about it. We're going to make a ton of money. No, no, you tell me that.

And I'd hang up on it. I'd hang up on him. It drove him crazy. By the time I got to the restaurant, he'd be out there. Where you been? Where you been? Tell me about big deal. And I go, listen.

And I just make up a name. Like, listen, you know John Wayne? Yeah, I know John Wayne. Listen, he wants to come. I'm going to have him come in here and do calmly. But he needs to the deposit. Give me $3.50 right now from the bar. $3.50?

Yeah, $3.000. And I already got the guy waiting on the corner for an eight ball. And I have the chick. I'm going to take the dinner for the other $100. And I got a hotel room for $50. And I'm not even wearing a condom. I'm crazy as fuck at that time. And no one's going to show up.

I would take him for $3,400. I only after like six months. One day he came to me. He goes, when is, you know, I don't know who. I was coming. I was coming. Like, I was just dropping names, John. Candy's coming.

I'm going to get them. I did one. I did one. I did one comedy. And I milked that poor Chinese guy. And then I was so broke doing comedy. I ate three meals a day in there. I was going there, Ron.

Where's my dad? You been in like 11 when they opened for breakfast? 11.01. I was in there in the kitchen. You're a big shrimp, Ron. In the kitchen, making my own soup. That's how pimp I had it in that. And he told me, don't make y'all in soup no more.

You take all shrimp. Fuck that shit. I would take the shrimp and the fucking wontons. And once I learned how to make Chinese soup, I didn't like it no more. See, I always thought they had the same fucking chicken broth for each thing. All they do is take the chicken broth, put it in, put three wontons in. They sprinkle it with pork and fucking onions, and they bring it to you. If it's egg drop, it's egg drop.

If it's the other one, they mix it together with the noodles and whatever. But it's all the same fucking Chinese mix. Yeah. I knew that shit down. I got to be so friendly with Ron that then I took over another Chinese restaurant. This was the... Are you just taking over Chinese? You got to change.

You're like the mom becoming like silent partners. You're bleeding them dry. Oh my God. I was taking over a Chinese restaurant. You got a roster. Listen to me. Now, Ron was in North... Ron was by the college.

What was this guy's name? Eric? This was, Ron was by the college, and after six months, one day, Ron questioned me. You questioned my law thing. And where is two-time? I give you $3,000. You eat here every day. And then, no, no John Wayne, no junk candy, no Clint Eastwood.

I had this poor guy sweating. Then I started bringing him stolen shit. And then I would bring him stolen shit. Like, if I would go to the mall and steal, like, three big pens, like the gold pants, I'd bring it to them. Where do you get this? No, listen, they fell off the truck. You know, I knew the mafia. Then I had this other dude, an Italian guy,

and I used to tell him I was La Mano Negla, but I was coming to collect on Friday. This guy believed me and went to Tony Ledizio, told Tony Adizio, if I shook him down again, he was going to call the cops on me. This is Boulder, Colorado. I was going crazy, and I was just out of prison.

I was just... Is this what you thought of during prison? Like all these little... No, no, no, no. So then, listen to me. So now, there's a time. Chinese restaurant in North Boulder. That was men's amends. It wasn't that

bad, but they were next to the biggest video store in Colorado, which I heard now they're huge. Boulder on 28th Street or 30th Street, don't fucking buy a rapahole. They used to have a three-floored movie a video chain. No porn.

I mean, whatever you were, I went in there. Like a three-story blockbuster? I used to go in there and fuck with them. Yeah, like a three-story blockbuster way before blockbuster. And I used to go in there and fuck with them. I used to go in there and ask them for Harry in your pocket. Just obscure names. And they'd hit me and go, we don't have it in the stock, but we'll have it here in two days out of

Denver. They had a warehouse in Denver. That was huge. And that's where I used to go when I first started comedy. So I would go in and I rented every day, the Rodney thing. Dangerfield? The Randy Dangerfield special with all the guys on it. And I would

also take the best of, what's the black one from HBO? Deaf Comedy Jam? With Def Comedy Jam? Joe Torrey is the warm-up, and I would... I rented it so much that they wouldn't even charge me anymore. That's how good they were to me as a comedian. I'll never forget that. But next to that place was a Chinese restaurant.

And they were okay. They had some good rice. They had some good... And the kids were good-looking. There were nice boys. There was two or three boys and the mom. And I would go in there by myself. Then I started bringing people in there.

Then I would have people meet me there. That was the place where me and my buddies were sitting there one day. And I don't know what the fuck we're talking about. Me and Rizzo. The kid's name was Rizzo. oh, he's from Long Island, he's a big fact kid. And we're in there fucking eating spare rooms. We're going to go to the Comedy Works.

He's driving me to the Comedy Works. Because I didn't have a car. And on Tuesdays, we would leave work together, and we'd go eat Chinese food, and we'd go. And this couple got up. After we were talking, this couple got up, and on the way out there said, let me explain something to you. We were listening to your conversations.

You two are barbarians. He goes, if I wasn't with my wife, I'd take his boat outside and beat your ass. This guy was like an older guy. What were you talking about? So I started going into this Chinese restaurant. You know, and once or twice a week, the lunch special wasn't bad. And I got to be honest with the food wasn't bad.

And, you know, hey, Joey, hey, Tony, hey, whatever. I became friends with the guy. One day I went in there. I don't know. This is a true story. I don't know what it is. With no dore me. And I told the guy the truth.

I said, listen, man, I forgot my wallet. He goes, Do you're always in here. You take it with you. I took it with you. I took it to food. and two days later I brought them to $30. They were happy as shit. And after that, I became family.

The mom talked to me, the brother talked to me. So I would talk to them more and more. I was lonely. I was going through a hard bake with my ex-wife, and I would go on there three nights a week. You know me, dog. I'm simple. I can eat Chinese food every fucking day.

The hell of yours for the soup. They had the whole thing. One day had my daughter. I had the basement. I lived in the rocky basement. I had no money. And I called them up like a man. I said, listen, man, I'm in a bind.

I got my daughter and I got no dough. What do you want? And when they came to my house, the brother sat me down. He goes, listen, you've been coming to our restaurant for a long time. I see you bring people in there. He goes, when you're on a tab, and you pay us when you have the fucking tab. That could only happen to me when I'm a starving comic,

living in a fucking basement addicted to blow. I'm a fucking single dad. I got no dough, every penny. And I'm not feeling bad for me. I'm just telling you what I was going through. And look at this door that opens up. me. I could eat Chinese food every fucking day. And here's these people telling me, look

from now on, call us. We'll deliver it and we'll put on a tab. Hell yeah. And for a while, I would just give the kid a 20, he'd go, there's no tab. Because he was the owner, the delivery kid. They fucking worked. They were two kids. Well, finally, one day I go, dog, I'm in there, and they're talking shit.

And guess what happens? They're like, a delivery boy quit. Uncle Joey got a license. And I got a map and some glasses. and they're like, you want to deliver Chinese food? I'm like, fuck, yeah, I'll deliver Chinese food. What nights you got?

And they're like Tuesday, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Give them to me. Fuck it, dog. I was walking out of there with a yardstick. And Chinese food. And Chinese food every day. And I became friends with them. And then, guess what Uncle Joey started doing?

What Tony Soprano didn't want? People selling cocaine on the fucking Chinese rats. So every time I had delivery, I would go out and sell fucking blow at the same time. People would call me up. You got a gram of Coke yet. But you got to order Chinese rice. food. Boom, and then all the Chinese, come on, God. Who the fuck do you think you guys

are dealing with? So, I would tell the people. I mean, what was the, what was the, the code word? No, not that. That's a good question. They would call and ask for Joey. I'm just saying, and I would pick up the phone. But the increase that you, of business, you must have brought to the, yeah, oh my God. People going in there to see me. Oh, come on. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I was just on a do stander, and here's what it gets better. The delivery guy's the delivery guy. The delivery guy. Listen to me, dog. And here's what getting back. And I'm walking out of there with a yardstick

a night. I'm selling broke and I'm weighing it. I'm doing everything there. And in those days I was such a fiend. I would keep it there overnight. I would hide it there. And they would never use the back bathrooms. So there was nights I'd go in there and put a line of coke out. Two lines. I'd do one. I forget

and I'd walk out. I'd come back two days later. That line of coke was still at attention. It was still there with the American flag of attention, Jack. I couldn't believe it. These fucking Chinese doos didn't snort fucking blow. It was tremendous, but here's what gets better. So I'm there working, I'm hostile,

I'm eating my meals. I'm living like a doctor in there. I'm bringing my daughter in there. I'm running fucking coke out of there. One day I walk in and they're like, hey, Joey, we run pool. You want to play pool? And I go, I'll play the fucking pool. And they thought they were cute.

They're like, we only have one team left, Houston Rocket. And I go, I'll take the fuck. Well, the King is, fuck you, I'll take the rockets. The rockets were like, the odds were like, fucking, 12 to 1 that they would even get to the second round. They won the championship. When they gave me the 500 cash, you should have seen those motherfuckers. Not only was I running game out of there,

after a while, listen, I swear, you guys, I've been with you guys for three years. You ready for this one? It got to the point, man, that if the phone rang five times, three of those calls were for Joey. They couldn't believe it. Coke orders? or Coke orders?

Three of five and 25%. Every delivery I made, I knew the people. Yeah. People knew I was there. Half of them knew I knew. So it no longer became random people ordering from this Chinese place. It became, you knew every fucking fucking fucking.

Me and my creepy fucking cocaine chain. And there was a fucking trailer park where the Kaidlu. What did I tell you, his name was Alex? Remember I told you it was in the halfway? He called him to the show early on, the very big... Mexican duty. Years later, Alex lived in the...

that trailer park behind there. And in the back of that trailer park in Boulder, it was like fucking La Pamba. It was like 20 illegal Mexicans back there. Look, that's why I was picking up Coke. Listen, if cocaine was in those days. Wait, that's where you went to get it? Listen to me.

It was a trailer park with white people living in the front. And then as you got to the back of the trailer park, like it was one house white, one house Mexican. But as you got to the back of it, this is 1980. fucking this is 1994 as you got to the back of the trailer part it got dark but they were illegals and they were the ones that mowed lawns

and shit but half of them were they're selling fucking powder and I mean right off the fucking brick I don't know if they were cartels and I mean pop and the thing will come out in the air like it would float Are you serious? They wouldn't even use a scale they wouldn't even use

the scale these motherfuckers they became such friends with me talking Spanish that I would go and I'd pay him two ounces and I take it home there was three and a half ounces because they just break it about and they just put chunks all their way and they take it they were brown

they were brown Mexicans dark like they walked here like they were out of fucking and I forget what their name was you know me you know me dog I never fucking asked I never fucking asked how they got here if they used sun tan lotion what brand it was

I never asked them I gave a fuck about SPF I didn't ask these motherfuckers nothing. All I knew is they had some fucking coke that was tremendous. I was making money. I was working on this Chinese restaurant. And you know what, man?

That was one of the... I knew I had no future there. I knew they were going to figure it out. I remember going in there and going... I'm going to go on the road as a comedian. And they were all very nice to me. They were Vietnamese. They weren't Chinese. But they cooked Chinese. And they were so nice to me and I was like, fuck the war.

I'm going to forgive you. What am I going to do? I'm going to hold a grudge against you. You held a personal grudge. I don't know. I'm a little kid from Cuba. I come here and I'm in the country's at war with somebody. I want to be an American. So psychological, I'm supposed to fucking hate you.

If I want to be this gung-ho fucking white kid, that's what in the back of my mind. I wouldn't even talk to Vietnamese people. We were a fucking war with you. It took years. It took years to unwind my stupidness and my... You got mad that I got Korean dumplings? Oh, please.

You know, we just went to war with you. He called me and he said the Chinese were here first. They got dibs. They got dibs. You gotta go ask them respect. They got dibs of Chinese. They've been here since the fucking railroads. The Korea's been throwing sidekicks for 30 years.

Teik Teng Tai Kwondo. The fucking Asian, Chinese people were here with the fucking railroads and shit. So how long did you do comedy and ballroom? Wait, I have a question for you. Do you dream in Spanish or English or both? You do have Spanish? I mean dreams where everything is Spanish? I always wondered that about.

And do you only speak, do you speak other languages? No, I speak Spanish and English. I understand a little Italian. It's fucking crazy. Like, I've always been a spiritual guy, but I've always believed that my father looked over me after he died. I always really, my mom put it in my head, and people that were his friends said,

listen, we know one thing, he's watching. You know, just, in 20 fucking years I've been watching the Supranos. 20 fucking years I've been watching the Supremont. I didn't watch it. for like three years, and then you hooked me on him. You had been watching it again. So I started watching them again. And for the first time last night, I realized,

Tony found out Pussy was a rat because of a dream. Yeah, that's right. It was a dream that it came to him. So sometimes I get something in a dream, and I don't know how I feel. And a week later, let me tell you something, what happened? I told you guys that fucking Nacopholi died. And that day, I talked to him that Friday.

He died on a Sunday. On a Monday, they found him Monday morning. Tuesday, I was a kettlebell class with you. We were on our backs. And when he said to do the back thing, the Turkish getter, I went to the other side because there was more room than the air conditioner blows down. I'm not stupid. It was a fucking air conditioner blowing a fucking iceberg.

And everybody's sweating like a pig. I go right on there. If I got to do sit-ups, I got to go under the air conditioning. If you got to do sit-ups, that's hard enough. You got to go under the air-condition. That's the only time I put the air on the motherfucker. I don't care if I hate you or not, listen, I don't like it too much. But you're going to be doing sit-ups without an 8-pound ball and get the air-conditioner.

So what were we talking about? Oh, so I turned around. I laid out my back. Oh, yeah. You know when you pop yourself up to get air. Yeah. I turned around, and I looked at the boxing mitts. I swear to my mouth.

I got to know. And I looked at those. boxing bits. And right the way, I thought about macafoli. And I'm like, when I get out of here, I got to get a macacore. I might have to go to holly with them. I'm going to get blood. And I get home, and I go on Twitter, and it says,

RIP Macafol on Twitter. Are you serious? It went like that? I'm the type of guy. Listen, that first song I put on Twitter every morning. That first song, when I wake up, I put a song on Twitter. Guys, I got no reason to lie to you. That first song is the song I'm hearing when I'm pissing.

that's your that's your wake up i'm talking about when i'm walking with the robin with horrible breath scratching my balls yeah and i go pee that song that i hear when i'm peeing that's the first song like the song in your head not even playing it's not playing that's not playing that song came from a dream i was having that night i was i love music so much that i dream about music somewhere in long the night i dream about music when you do the alpha brain you have vivid fucking dreams yeah they're scary fucking dreams the first couple weeks. You get a couple of headaches. Then you get over and you feel like your mind.

But this, when I dream, Terry will tell me. My wife will say you were speaking Spanish last night. Oh, you will. Oh, fuck you. And I know the nights that I speak Spanish, the reason why she hears it through the sleep apnea mask is because I'm either having a conversation with one.

I'm having a conversation with my godmother or somebody from that era. somebody I spoke to in Spanish. Way before I had sleep at me, and people would tell me, though, you know, you speak Spanish and you sleep, I was just getting all my mom's death.

I could just imagine what my dreams were going to. I was probably talking to one of our brothers on the phone or whatever the fuck it is. But yeah, I dream in Spanish. I don't dream much, but my,

I have one particular dream a couple years ago, so my father died when I was 16, and he was everything to us. I mean, he was everything. Where was moms? My mother decided to split. She cheated on my dad, and then they decided to get a split.

We were going into sixth grade. And they were apart for a year. They got back together, and then, like, a couple years later, boom, she wanted out. So she left, and he ended up, he took custody of us. Now, where's your mom tied? She's back in Maryland. You talk to them? I see her at my brother's parties, like, when they have the kids and stuff,

and I don't, I'll never, I'll never make that about me, especially in front of those kids. So the minimal, I would say we both speak to each other. Yeah. Which is really what she's involved, mostly in the family anyway, her choice. That's what she wanted. My dad wanted all of us. You know, they went to court for it. And my mother said, I don't want Ryan.

Derek can come with me if he wants. I want Todd, the youngest one. And my father's like, well, I want all my kids. but if you're going to just give custody to my wife because she's the mother, then I think they should all be together. Like, I'll sacrifice it. And the judge was a woman, and she just was blown away to hear a mother say that, you know, well, I don't want this one.

I'll take this one if they want. So she gave my father custody. Made my mother pay him child support in 89. Like, you don't hear that often today. So we live with him for a while, and then he died. He had a heart attack. we found him in his bed in the morning and that was just when everything changed. All of his.

He was 42. He's my age right now. Yeah. I mean, I would be so, I think about it all the time like, God, 42's fucking young. And he's got two 16-year-olds and a 12-year-old. And the day he's buried is my youngest brother's 13th birthday. So we end up having to be put back in with our mother and we raised ourselves. We were two 16-year-olds and a 13-year-old.

We went to school every day. signed each other's permission slips. We drove each other to school. We had all our friends come over during the week. Like their parents really, you know, we had our normal. None of us got arrested. We certainly had the police over. You know what I mean? We did. We had our fair share of trouble, believe me, but nothing, you know, that got too fucking crazy. So the parents knew we were good kids and liked us and they let their kids. I even talked to all those guys now. I'm like, would you let your kids go on a Wednesday night? No. No. No. And I'm like, yeah, but yours did.

We got to remember to be that fucking cool in the right situation, you know, when we're our parents. And I was thankfully because all we had was our friends. So we can come back to it. The dream I had was, and I don't dream much and they don't really mean anything. You know, if I dream something, I'm like, I don't know, I was in this weird fucking place that kind of felt like the kitchen, but it wasn't the kitchen, you know, that bullshit. But this was, I was in a helicopter and I'm flying it. And I'm not flying it well. And it's all cloudy around us.

And it's bouncing off the ground. And, you know, it's going up. And I'm looping the fucking thing. And I turn around. And my dad says, pull up on it. And I look back and I'm like, oh, shit, there's my dad here. And he's telling me how to fly this thing clearly, like he's done it before. He knows exactly what I'm supposed to do up there.

I'm nervous because, obviously, this would be an emergency situation that I would ever be fucking attempting to fly a helicopter. And I feel that in my dream. So I start to get it, we're getting ready to go under an overpass. And I pull up and then we get it level and we come up. And then this other helicopter comes over alongside of us. And my father, I look back, he's face down now. And I don't know if he's dead or passed out or what. This helicopter comes up, opens their side door, our side door opens.

And my dad just points over at it. And then I fucking woke up. And I was like, that is. probably the answer to everything and absolutely nothing at fucking all. But to me, I don't dream like that. I've never

dream like that and I was like, wow, that was so I've certainly looked into that a bunch as like you need to fucking, you know, take that jump, trust and take that leap wherever it's going. And that's what I've been doing for a while. You know, that story broke my heart a little bit.

I didn't mean to break your heart. No, no, no. All that shit breaks my heart. same time, I'm very proud of Lee. And now Lee, hilarious this morning. We were talking when Lee's father in the car. And he goes, when I'm coming back in February, I go for a month this time.

And I can hear Lee wanted to take his car and crash it into the fucking soap I love my dad, but it's a long time I have a lot time. You don't. And you were tormenting me the entire time? I have a Mexican girlfriend whose mother doesn't speak English. The entire

weekend, In front of me, he'd be going, like, hey, Mr. Say, let's call the mother-in-law. Let's get you guys together. He'd be like, well, she doesn't be English, and he would go perfect. Oh, my God. He was down for anything. But you don't understand where a guy like myself, have you ever gotten over your father's death? I mean, honestly, no.

I've never gotten over that one. That was, I've gotten better about it with time, and I've certainly dealt with it. But, yeah, there's, I mean, especially having a kid now, too. You know, can't help but not think of him. Being that age, I'm 42. He was 42. Like, that goes through my mind. I always say this.

I want to be something. And my father was everything, and I love the man, but I want to be something that he never was. And that's an old man. I want to be an old man. He was not an old man. At least I don't give a fuck if you slack off on this job. I don't give a fuck if you don't show up. As long as you keep prying your dad out twice a year.

and spending time in them. That means more than me from a human being, especially me who lost my dad. And that's what you guys don't realize at home. You know, I call you 10 times a day. Once I start liking you Ryan, you're going to get calls all hours ago. About nothing.

But he said once I start, it hasn't become. Oh, my God. Because people have been taken away from me. So the people I like, I want them to make sure we have no misunderstandings. If I die in my sleep, I want you to say that motherfucker called me last night and said nothing to answer the phone for the cops. He got me really hot when night.

It was a night that we were yelling at this dude on the phone, like threatening to beat him up. And then he kept calling me, don't answer the door when the cops got. I made 15 minutes. Can you imagine if somebody calls me and says Joe? Did you hear about Joe? He had a heart attack in his sleep. Oh, my God, he's going to fucking cry, but then he's going to go,

that motherfucker was calling me last night, telling me not to answer the fucking phone. Do you understand me? That's how you've got to have fucking fun, man. You've got to have so much fun. And if you have a parent, listen, man, if you're not in a relationship with a fucking parent, you know, this is why I'm pissed in so many ways at my ex-wife

because she knows how I felt for years. You don't have a parent. You yearn for one. Oh, yeah. You yearn for one. And sometimes I might not like a motherfucker. And also I'm at the store and a comic I might not like walking, but he'll come on and go, this is my dad, Joey.

And I'll go, that'll turn my whole perspective. Now I'm going to give this guy a second look. I didn't like this guy. But look, he's walking him to the bar. He's buying him a drink. They look like I have a great relationship. And his dad is also there. And his dad is there.

That's supporting. You know, I respect that. And people don't realize as they get older that, you know when you go to a that's a big issue in those nursing homes when somebody comes to visit you my nephew is here you know you make like a big deal when you're old so right you just say it because it's big that people are even fucking thinking of you you know I was telling uh when I was like 16 when I was a kid I used to hang out at my mother's bar and there was a bookie there Arnaudano de Campo, if I think of people who made me laugh growing up,

nobody made me laugh harder than Nano, because he would always say perverted things to me, like he would always ask me if I'm piss and sweet yet. In Spanish, he would ask, what is that even mean? I don't know. Like, if I'm coming or something, he would ask me if I'd eat in chicks' assholes and all this shit.

When I was like 10, he would ask me, and I started thinking, this motherfucker is crazy. But I, you know, he said my mom. his bar every day and I learned to love him and his brother and he had kids and daughters who were really dynamite and after my mom died they closed the bar and they went around the corner to a bar called autos and I got a job there in high school I had no mom and I had to make some money and the guy knew me so he gave me a job even though I was like 18 and I had never bought there was no barbacking job for 90 days this guy hired me is a bar and shop bar and Arnado now sat an ad naido was his name and he

would sit there in the afternoons and take number till three, but he would have drinks, and he had a great living, guys. He was an unemployment or disability, the whole year round. I don't know how to fuck he did it, and he was a bookie, and he got maybe 50% of what he took in. He was probably taking him 10,000 a week, guys, and he'd sit there all day. Remember, in those days when you come into a better number, you got to have a drink. Give him a drink, please, and boom, you leave. Arnado would be tanked at 3 o'clock.

So why not? I tell Arnado, listen, I'm bartending tonight. He would always tell me, when are he going to fix me up with that hot chick? What are he going to fix me up with a hot chick? What are he going to fix me up with a hot chick? So one Monday I call him up on Arnado, go home at 3. Take on that. Tomorrow, I don't think Arnato's getting a girl.

I'm 18. Arnado's got to be 58. And he's a good-looking dude. He's a big guy, like he's got muscles, but he's got a big pot belly. Huge, huge, bigger than mine, the longest yard. and he went out like five feet. But he was built, you know, and he would sit there. So that Monday night, this is like my third Monday I'm bartending.

And I tell Arnardo to show up at 8, and there's going to be some chicks there waiting from. And I had no chicks from him, but I knew hot chicks were going to be there. And he would just get a kick out of it. Just because I knew the type of guy, he would get a kick out of it. So he's sitting in the corner, and I sent three chicks over there from high school. I go go sit next to my uncle Arnardo. And he don't speak no English.

He's Cuban. He doesn't speak no fucking. He's fucking sitting there like, ah, laughing. And also, the girl's like, do you want to smoke pot? And he's like, get these things, I was Antonio. And I'm like, if you want to smoke pot, he's like, yeah, yeah, I'll smoke pot, I smoke pot, I smoke pot, you know what I'm saying?

He's trying, he's old, he's trying, and I'll never forget to look on his face that these people that were young asked him if he wanted to get hot. And listen, they used to be regular bamboo, like regular rolling paper, and then they used to be big bamboo. and it was like a joint in a half. And in those days, all those girls were potheads and they used to smoke

chocolate traumatized. But girls, that's a thing. Oh my God, this weed, fuck. It was chocolate tie. I've had chocolate. It was chocolate tea from Jamaica. And they would sell up in the little Jamaica incense stores in Harlem in those days.

So they rolled the joint of this. And we were smoking pot in the fucking bar in those days. This is before medical marijuana licenses. We didn't give a fuck, Lisa. So we sparked this joint. up and there's Arnardo in the corner table with three hot chicks. Hot, 18-year-old chicks. And they're puffing away and they're giving them the joint.

And he's taking it, and he's doing a Lee at first. And he's giving it to them. But I'm waving at him and he's waving at me and he's talking to the girls. And that joint goes around two times and it comes to him the third time and he hits it. And he gets it to the one girl and the girl doesn't want. He gives it to the second girl, she doesn't want. And I'm watching all this from the bar. But he's a soldier.

So everyone says no. And he keeps hitting that fucking thing. And he keeps looking at me. Like, he's looking at me, like, waving at me with the joint. Like, look at me. And he's giving it to the girl, and he's giving it. And nothing. And all of a sudden, I give it 10 minutes.

I get busy. And I look back, and he's looking at the chase like that. He's sideways. And it's chocolate pie. It's not just regular weed. And this motherfucker is. And this motherfucker is. And this motherfucker.

He's still hitting it on the way now. That's what I love about it. He's going down swinging. He's like, fuck this. I'm here. He's got to have joints. It's burning his finger. He's hit the dead heart.

He's all not the deal like. And he's still passed the joints of the broad. And they go, no. Finally I get busy again. I look over and he's passed on the table. And the girl's got. Shut up. And he's snoring. He just smoked to himself to sleep. Oh my God. We had to carry him home and bring his

doorbell and bring him up the stairs to his wife. 18 years old. Me, Larry McNeil, Darren Reagan, and Glenconte. Oh, my God. Fucking hilarious. Otto's bar and grill, dog. Let me tell you how I had Otto's bar and grill on fucking lockdown. How you just take over these businesses? Let me tell you how I had these fucking momos on lockdown. All right, so at the end of the night,

I'm gonna get sick. At the end of the night, you had a register. And what they did was you exed out, which means you paid out, and then you counted the money, and then they had the credit card and the cash and the drawer. And the, you know, people were coming on the tab. And then he would come in the morning,

but he was a drunk, too. The guy played on the Chicago Bears. Chicago Bulls. I forget what his name is now. If you give me a couple days, I'll give it. He was a white guy. didn't really play. If you look at the lineup in 73 or 72, he was on the Bulls. He was a white guy from Minnesota. In fact, he just died. I looked his name up a couple months ago. He died.

But anyway, to make a long story short, this is what you had to do in those days. Wait, wait, one second. 92 to 73 or 73 to 74? What? The Bulls. He played 1973, but you got to look at the team picture. I don't remember his fucking name Okay So you look at the roster That's another way

Yeah, I'm at the roster Teddy Martuniac That was his fucking name Wow, you just pulled that out Teddy Martuniac That is fucking professional Okay and he had Otto's Bar and Grill In front of Otto's Bar and Grill

Something I'll never forget Right in front of Otto Bar and Grill Every day from 11 to 6 Was a Sabret hot dog cart With those fucking No no I'm lying to eat And not have steak on a stick in those days. And he had moved from 29th Street.

He was on the corner of Chappies in those days, a flower shop across the street. In fact, I used to run with a dude there, his name was Nunzio, a.k.a. His cousin is the kid from the office. The Spanish, Mexican kid from him. Oscar? Oscars.

Nunzio. How's that one for you? That's how I'm dropping fucking heat telling you? Oh, my God. So let me tell you how I took over this fucking joint. Hold on. Was this hot dog stand better than custard, a mustard's last Yeah, this was a New York hot dog, Sabret, New York style chili with some

raw onions and stop it. That's a bad motherfucker with a can of Coke in the wintertime you're out there freezing. Shit. All right, so you took the fucking cash. From where? Listen to me from the register. Oh, okay.

All right. Let's say in the daytime they wrote up maybe two grand, and at night maybe they did $3,000. So they had $5,000, maybe $4,000 in cash. So this is what the bartender was supposed to do at the end of the night. Whoever the shift, though, is you got a day shift and a night shift.

You're supposed to reach under the fucking bar and take an envelope, a regular envelope from a box, and put the cash in there with the receipt, lick it, and go to the back to the refrigerator, open up the margarine thing, and put it in there. And you go in there, and Martuniac was a drunk, he wouldn't show up for days. So there'd be 10 envelopes. All right? Yeah. So when I was there, that's as easy as I was.

I take an envelope, rip it open, take a 50, and put the thing in the way it was. So now there's a discrepancy. I'm one of the fucking nights. So now, listen to this, guys. You're bleeding them dry. I was bleeding them dry while I was working there, right? Here I am in high school, a senior, bleeding them dry. I had all my buddies down there on Monday nights.

They got three beers for the price of one. or an Alabama slam I got them fucked up fucked up we're in fucking height you want to even know let's split this last star I'm good man

no no let's split this half star of respect no this is the star that they shot this is the cousin to the star that shot Kennedy in the head Kennedy was waving in Dallas

and the same star came out of a window and just blasted them in the fucking head like this I'm really splitting this right now I already hit three who gives a fuck I can't walk on one leg. It's Monday, motherfuckers.

Kick out the jams, brothers and sisters. You got to lead by motherfucking example. You know what I'm saying? Just because you march up and down the street don't mean you're fucking starting a revolution. What? So, so they fired me.

Listen to this one. Yeah. I made a spare of the key. Cup ball. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. Of course he did. In those days, I just fucking go.

He's definitely got a key guy. That's the first thing they did to me. A key guy! That's the first thing they did to me. That's the first thing I did when they gave me the key. I put all my money on Joey Diaz as a key guy. So what I did was, ready for this one, I fucking would go to the city, get fucked up, and then I get six.

My friends would go, we need more coke. Fuck it. Take me down the autos. I'd open up the bar, go to the back, take an envelope. And now, since I wasn't working there, if there was four envelopes, I'd take 100 of an envelope and take one whole one like fucking

For later So every envelope would be No surveillance in there Yeah No it was 1982 And then they finally thought Then they said fucking Because a bagelino

Worked in there A chick of bagelino And like her cousin was mobbed up So she was dating A friend of mine that I grew up with But her pussy was so good That he shook me down He came to me and said, listen, you got to stop robbing him.

Because they're blaming Doreen and fucking, you know, and I'm like, he's like, the next time you rob me, you're going to deal with me. And I'm like, dog, I grew up in your fucking house. I was at your little brother's fucking wake. How dare you say you're going to shake me down? He's like, I'm serious. You robbed that place again. We're going to have a fucking problem.

So when we hooked up after 20 years, this is the first thing I told him. He goes, her pussy was so good. It was between you or her fucking little pussy. That's very honest. He had to cut you a little bit. I talked to him once every 10 days, Frankie Balsanna. He was going to fucking shoot me over it. I'm like, how can you shoot me over this?

Oh, my God. I used to take over shit like that all the time. For months, I'd bleed them. I bled them for about 90 days until they figured out that I had the key. Because it's all within 90 days? I got fired probably in May, and I robbed them until September. The whole summer. You want to go down the shore?

You want to go down the shore 4 in the morning? Give me right down the out of it. We're going to go down this show. Let me go. I can get right in. Oh, my God. This was so fucking crazy. This is fucking crazy.

See, we just get a new job every 90 days. And Rob in between. Remember, in those days, we had hashways. So we had a tab at Hashways. And we'd go in there and rob chips. We'd still rob Hashway for everything he had. Even though you put this on the fucking tap. Once we'd take over your fucking restaurant,

and I just knew how to do it. I had another place in bowl that I met him. him in the halfway house. He was in Lamas Antonio Adelaidez. I loved him like a father. He had the best Italian food in fucking Colorado at the time. The best in Boulder. The best fucking

Bolanez, I ever tasted him out, you couldn't taste the lamb. You know what I'm saying? Whatever they put in it. The goat. The goat. The ram. The hoof. The hoof. So you couldn't taste. And he had something else I liked in there.

And he had a great fucking, I told you, he had a baker. And I used to do, in those days I was doing stand-up, and on Tuesdays was my big nut at the broker. So on Mondays, I would have to prepare material. So I'd go to the Lidio and sit with the baker, and I drink coffee and eat pastries all night. He would make pastries. And I'd just sit there and eat all the fucking samples, ice cream.

And I would sit there. I had that place shaking down. How do you keep all these people straight? They're like, I could go for some pastries. Like, I could go for some pastries. Okay. The little Dizio. And I did Lodizio,

knock on the glass. And Joe Koch, who I still talked to, he owns a bagel place in Mississippi. I would knock on the glass, and he'd open the fucking month. Your reach is impressive. I'd talk.

If I'm in fucking Mississippi, that guy fed me. Wait, did you fuck with him so much that he had to move to Mississippi? No, no, no. He sold his house. That's my brother. Joe Koch is still my brother.

He had a daughter that passed. They sent me an invitation to a graduation on a Thursday. And on Monday, they called me, and she was dead dog. Jeez. I still got the card. I light a candle for all my spirits. Yeah, that's terrible.

And I had the card they sent me with a candle. He's my brother Joe Gatch. Let me tell you about Joe Gautch was a white dude from Mississippi. Me and him used to hit it off. And you guys know. Where you met him in Denver? I met him in Boulder. He was the chef.

Me, him and his wife were tight. When they had Julia and then they had the other child, Emma. But his father, something was wrong with his father. So he said, move to Mississippi. At that time they moved. He learned. to make bagels. He went to Mississippi

up in the bagel shop by Louisiana, the Mississippi State. It was a gold money. We thought of that in 1994, guys. He's a millionaire today. He's a fucking millionaire today. But I'm going to tell what this guy did for me. This guy went, and Lee, you know me a long time. At this time,

I was starting to comedy, and I'd be alone with him, and I'd go off on pussy and shit, he'd stop me. He's the first man ever I got away with going. Joey, excuse me. You know, I don't like that type of language. And I'd be I loved him so much, I would fucking say, you know what? I get it.

Was he older than you? No, maybe two or three years. He just didn't like, when I spoke perverted. He didn't mind if I said a curse word or if I said a racial slur. Like, he didn't mind. But he got pissed off if I said, fuck it in the ass. That was his line. He didn't fucking like it at all.

He used to say, dog, you can't talk like that in front of me. But I got into a... Got a draw line somewhere. When I got into the beef with... At least he knew who he was. When I got into the beef with John, my wife's boyfriend, I wasn't allowed to pick up the baby, and he volunteered.

So I never forgot that. He wasn't a guy from Jersey. He wasn't a fucking guy from New York. He was no mafia guy. He was a white dude from Mississippi that didn't like me talking fucking dirty around him. But he had enough respect for me. He knew what I was going through.

That he was like, I'll pick her up, And I fucking drop her off. That's awesome. They fuck with me. I'll knock him out. Yeah. So you know what? I call him on Mondays because on Monday I let a candle for his daughter.

So usually I give him a call. I go, Joe Koch, I'm thinking about your cock sucker. He goes, I can't talk right now. I'm making bagels and he hangs up. Let me give him some shout-outs. We'll get you out of here, Ronnie. I'm having a great time. Oh, me too, man.

Thank you so much. Virus action sports performance wear. They sent us some rash guards. Oh, yeah, thank you. For me and Lee to wear for you. so I put mine on today. Fucking comfortable as shit. Great material.

It's durable. You know, I haven't beat it up a couple times. I wore it today, but I'll tell you, I just want to thank him, give him a shout out. I think I got that card.

I hope I brought it with me. I always try to be very, you know what I mean. You always do that? My man's name is Travis at virusinfoinfo.com. 888-607. 990.

It's virus. Yeah, yeah. This is great stuff in Huntington Beach. Virus, whatever the fuck it is, action sports performance. Also, Jamie Stanley, my girl, Lady Jane, Brian Singer, a friend of mine's from V-Mack, Amber Myers, Brandy Lynn, Zach Halverson, Mike Levin, Evelyn Black Price, and Pat Shea kicking ass with his little motherfucking podcast. What about, I'm blanking on his name right now. Are dude in Chicago in the wheelchair? He got an accident.

He got an accident. I know, no, no. Kern. Michael fucking. Yeah, yeah, he got it. But that, listen. That motherfucker. He's tough as shit.

He's tough as shit. He's tough as shit. I told him, man. I said, listen, I ain't even worried about you because you're in a wheelchair. You smoke dope with three fucking legs. You smoke dope with three fucking legs. Who gets their dick suck in a wheelchair? Nobody gets that dick.

He's a freak. I love him with all my fucking eye. He goes to all the shows. He's doing stand-up now. Is he? Yeah, yeah. He's trying it. He's a good dude, man.

I've known him for years. Mr. Rogan show. And then we became tied on fucking Twitter, and I love him to debt. Yeah. I love them to debt, you know what I'm saying? So what else is going on in your world, Ryan Sickle? I got to go to the bathroom.

Can I do that? Can I do that, please? Take your time, but hurry up. We got shit crack or lack in here. You want to eat another star or one? No, I don't even know the star. I can't believe you made me do that. You want to roll another joint?

We can roll another fucking number. Smoking on Periscope. Let these motherfuckers know who's running shit. You know what I'm saying? Lee Syedico, my brother from a different monot. Hey, buddy. I'm very happy that you brought the old man out. We went to get sushi.

No, yeah, thank you. He went to the fucking store. He loves it, man. He always calls me, Joey did a great periscope. This morning, he goes, I always get high when I'm watching him. He's not even smoking. He just because he always blow the smoke in the camera. He's like, I feel high.

I fucking love those periscopes in the morning. I really do have a great time doing those. Yeah. Sometimes, if I like this morning, I got up at 4. And I was so fucked up when I went to bed. And I got up this month. morning guys and I get some coffee and I'm doing it all legit and I'm starting

to write and after 20 minutes I go what am I doing? I got some Sativa outside and I go out there and I blast off three or four hits of this little hash pipe and now I got a little hash pipe so now I break the hash off leak and I just put it into the pipe solo and I sprinkle a little loose hash on top of that

and I just smoked the fucking hash old school old school because it's a hamburger yeah no I didn't make no Puerto Rican hamburgers I got so fucked up four in the morning. Oh my God. It took me till about quarter of the six. About quarter of the six, I went in there, and we went

to the farmer's market on Sunday. And we bought a couple white peaches. I inhaled all of them. And I fucking went to bed at like six and slept until 7.30 in the morning, guys. Oh, my God. I was wiped out. I was so fucking high this morning. But you know what? I wrote for a nine and a half.

And then I got up. I went to a nice jiu-jit-to class with John Butter V-Met. I got my fucking alignment on my car. I brought up. I did a lot of shit the last three or four days. I like when I take a bite, I got to redo that room and shit. You know, I got to put this piece in there,

the bedroom. I got to move shit around, the office. I got to do it. Jesus. That's exactly what I was doing today. Jesus fucking. When you have children, the shit stuck up. So, you're very, you're one of the few guys

that when your name comes up in a circle, everyone in the circle, really fucking likes you, man. That's nice to hear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I appreciate you. You're very easy going for a guy from Baltimore. People always say you're a real stand-up guy. I didn't know if you did time or whatever.

No, I've never done. I've hung around quite a few people who have. But no, I have not done time. That's the first time I remember all that shit from Boulder guys. Ron and... Ron is the best. Ron definitely hasn't recovered. Oh, my God.

I was milking so many fucking people back then. I was a fucking... What was your best hustle? What was your favorite? What was your favorite? If it wasn't right. My favorite hustle always has been the process of the Coke burn. That is the one I like them.

The Coke burn? The process of getting a drug deal and taking them down. That's always been my, I was telling me like my forte. Let's say right now, everything ended today. If everything in the day and I had to feed my family, I would book numbers and I would book sports out of an old. office like this. And in dirty days, I'd have me and Lee making

dough. Just taking action on the phone. Going partners with Lee bank rowing motherfuckers and taking our chances. If we get an amount we can't handle, we call it all. We got a utopia. We fucking sleep with it. But if there's somebody calls in for $10,000, we pass on $5,000 of it.

And you can make a small living as a boogie. And if you get some momentum and build $10,000 or $20,000, you could do okay in a football. ball season. You can pull down a hundred grand. And in today's economy, you collect it. You get six or seven people and they pay your fucking money.

We should do that. Yeah, you think it's that fucking easy. You have to do it correctly. There's a way to do it. That's why I come in. The problem is that as fucking good as I am with that shit, the computer adds a complete different dimension of betting. PayPal, what's the money? So there's

a whole market that I'm missing. I mean, nothing about. PayPal's just as guilty of doing it as a guide in neighborhood. They're getting their cut. And the thing is, bless you. I'm right.

The thing is that, you know, a bookmaking charge becomes something else if we do it online. Mail fraud or something like that, which now becomes better time, which might work out for you. You know, it's a lot better

than sitting a fucking newer. I rather sit in a lompah with a bunch of white people talking about stock fraud and how to shine your shoes correctly. I used to work at that. Sorry.

I got allergies. I got to scratch the back of my throat. Most people do it like a regular person. They go, I got to go and scratch the back of my throat. I'm sorry. I'm glad that happened. I used to work at UPS in Baltimore, and I worked there for a few years, and I, you know, worked my way up to supervisor and everything.

I was fucking hustling. I, you know, I was right. I've been on my own since 16. I ended up moving in with my grandmother, and she dropped dead in front of us. She was the only one that wanted us. And then, boom, we're out, and it's on, okay? There's been no one to ever ask to borrow, you know, a dollar, nothing, nothing. So I worked at UPS, and it was, I put myself through college, and I would work there, like, you know, 10-2 was my shift, 10 p.m. 2 a.m.

and I started working doubles, and I would go right from college, I'd go four to two. Well, in Baltimore in the winter, those trucks coming up out of Tupelo, Mississippi and stuff. If there's a, you know, if there's a blizzard somewhere on the way, you're waiting until four or five in the morning for that truck to get there. And these guys are union, they're full-time, one of the few hubs, and still in the country, I believe, that had full-time guys. So these dudes are in Spiceroy, waiting for that paycheck. And there will be a dude down in the California.

So it's a big building. So this cafeteria, I'd say, maybe had like 15 or 20, you know, vending machines sell subs and whatever. You know, you had your choice of it. And there was this dude. There was a dude named Pat who was not a UPS employee. He was employed by the company that owned all the vending machines. And he was paid by them. And the job was assigned to him by the state to refill those vending machines all day.

long. Now, he was there and he ran that fucking joint. He ran, you know what I'm talking about. Oh, my God. He was the Joey Diaz of that fucking thing and he knew everybody. He was like, hey, what's going on, Joey? As soon as he walked by that motherfucker's wife's cheating on. Like, he knew everything about everybody.

He said, his brother's pleasure. This motherfucker's going to die on a job. Everything about everybody. And he was he was the guy. He was the fucking guy. So what happened was he came home. This is, let me just tell you, this was His story.

Okay, I'm repeating his story. He came home and he found his best friend in his bed with his wife and he shot both of them. She lived. He died. Oh, no. Okay? And as he'll tell you, this was before temporary insanity or passions of, what is it, crime of passion and all that shit. This was back then, this was just called murder.

And attempted murder. That's a dishing. shit was called. So, he's like, I just couldn't believe it. So I fucking went in there and I just shot. And he said, I got 20. He got 20 years. He said he did 18 for good behavior.

And then when he got out, the state assigned him this job. This is his job now is to take, you know, and also to raise it. He's got grandkids and shit. You know, this time he's white hair at this point, probably mid-60s. Coolest fucking guy. I mean, these are the guys. love. Like, I always say that shit to me is Americana. Like, I don't care where you're

originally from. Like, if it's here and it happens here, I love that, those characters. And so this guy's filling these machines, and he'll just straight up to him, like, I can't live off of this shit. So, he's running. Football, he's running. Basket, whatever the fuck you want. A thousand angles, man. Everything.

Every day you're waking up. Your mind's going. And every day, he would just use, people don't understand his system, but you get it. I mean, when you run numbers, you use the existing lottery. You just don't give the government your money. You give somebody else your money and you're going to get more money tax-free.

So every night when he would leave, he'd leave around 7 o'clock. He'd do like an 11 to 7 shift or something. Long day for a dude just sitting there. He knew everybody. You go down, you say, I want to go the bathroom and you'd leave the primary where you're unloading and loading

and you go down the steps and you go by his table in the cafeteria, but it's empty now. You just go by his table and right on the table on a nap is to pick four and the pick five every fucking night. And every supervisor all the way to the top gave that motherfucker their money. We all played in the one night. I bounced around.

So much shit happened. We ended up getting into, my brother and I ended up getting into this apartment. And I was like, I'm just going to play the four, pick four of this new address. Something good's got to come out of this shit. So one night I get there and Pat's like, Ryan, I said, I hit traffic, man. He goes, it hit. I said, don't fucking tell me it hit, Pat. He's like, yeah.

I'd say, come on, Pat. And I think it was like 6, 5, 4, 6 or some shit. And it hit, it was boxed. It wasn't a straight, but it was still 2,500 that I could have fucking used. And I didn't, I couldn't get there in time. And there was no cell phone days back there. I could text them and shit. Like, Pat put that shit in for him.

He's like, I waited as long as I could. I was like, God, damn. But yeah, man, that dude was the best. I got arrested in November of 88 for kidnapping. No, no. He was right. I got arrested November of 87, okay? Hold on, November of 88.

November of 87, I'm sorry. But my madness started, like my real drug madness, like a life that was crazy, started like in June of that year. And what happened was I was selling Subarus, and I was making so much money, and they were snorting there, and I was snort at night, and it was just a joke. And I said, you know what, I got to get away from these cokeheads.

you know, and I said, let me go over to Hollister, Dodge, Chrysler Plymouth. They had a Dodge building, and they had a Chrysler Plymouth building. The Chrysler Plymouth building, after three days I realized, those four guys were doing as much Coke by themselves as the 14 guys. Holy shit. And there was a guy, Ardy, and he was getting an ounce, and then he had four salesmen, three salesmen, and everybody was getting a gram.

Some people had a tab with them. It was hilarious. though cocaine was world class. That's what I want to say. It's 1987. It's world class. There's days you would go in there and there'd be a customer

and those salesmen were so coked up. That customer walked for an hour and nobody would come out and talk about. It was crazy, crazy deal. You know, paranoid? Paranoid is fuck. Somebody come out. So I get the whole hang of the operation.

Now, there's a kid I got a control. I got our mental control. I got this boring. I'm mental control. control. His name is Rob Dan though. Of course it is. And he used a red Parker pen. And it was the maroon

one. So what I would do is when I learned as a salesman that you've got to crack people. Cracking people is get them off their game and then you pick up where they left off. Sometimes it backfires. But if you're very good at it, you can do something good. It's like you're a great salesman but I come up to you and I go, hey,

oh Lee's getting 18% on his deals. And you're like, what do you mean? I'm getting 15. Yeah, you got to. So That right there is playing with your head. That psychological warfare. There was a kid in there that I had on lockdown. There was two guys. I had Rob Danden and I had this other kid.

He was from fucking somewhere up north, like North Dakota, and they had no weed. And I could get weed. So I buy a pound. They'd take like three ounces out and I wet the weed and puff it up and get like... Oh, you said a little bitch. And then he'd take it up to the dry out.

And he goes, I don't know what the fuck's happening. The people are yelling at him. I waited. It was 14 ounces. I get it up there. It's 12 and a half. Fucking hilarious. Every time he came back out of it, I had them on lockdown.

Listen, I don't know what happened. It ain't going to happen next time. The next time I'd even take more. I put ice cubes in there on delay. On delay. I had that mother. Oh, my God. I had that motherfucker.

I had rocks in the bottom of the bag. Little chunky rocks. I would put little rocks into the buds. I was fucking, I was horrible. So I have this fucking moron. But I got this other moron. That was driving me crazy. He was a very good salesman.

He was very aggressive. But, dog, I wanted the bonus every month. And there was only one way I could control this guy, and he was with mental control. So he had a red Parker pen. And I'd let him take him up, which is a custom. I'd let him demo ride him. And then when it came time to sell the car, there was always one detail. And he would leave his pen on the desk.

And I would go in there and take the fucking pen in the middle of the deal. And he'd come in and go, excuse me, I can't find. my pen. And he'd walk around for 20 minutes looking for that pen. And he wouldn't go back in there until he found this pen. Jesus. So he'd tell the people to go home and come back tomorrow. Come on.

Oh, my God, it was hilarious. And I'd do this to him every three days. I'd steal his red pen. If I saw his red pen laying out there, I'd clip that fucking pen. And he would crack. But here's what gets better. He had four kids and a wife. And he did more blow than fucking everybody.

I mean, this guy would do blow. at 8 in the morning and not eat all the car guys are no blow but this guy I'd never saw anything like listen at this time I knew my weakness was coke but I also knew I couldn't do it in the daytime so I would try to hold off till 6 o'clock or 7 this kid Rob did blow all fucking day from 8 in the morning he'd be in there doing little bombs and once he could he put a piece of gum in his mouth and he'd be fucking that gum up you know those coke dudes the fuck a piece of gum up To chew that fucking gum with anger, you cops. Fuck.

Right? So, Rob would suck this gum to the death. But Rob was selling coke. Rob was like, fuck it. I'm going to do what this artie's doing. I might as well get a big package and sell coke to the Dodge guys or whatever. But he didn't know that I used to watch him.

You know me, dog. I'm a countess of valence. I used to watch him. He used to have those ceilings that popped up and he would hide his coke in the ceiling at this place. Guys, listen to me. You know George Kaladinsky that called him to the Of course I know, George.

George was renting cars out to the girls at the strip club from the Dodge Place for a hundred a week with a license plate. Listen to me. You want to talk about running a joint? Yeah. Plus, we both had demos, top-of-the-line demos that didn't even know they had. Only the bank knew that they had it. We would take those cars as soon as they got there. Guys, this wasn't a fucking joke.

We were out. Now, here's what gets better. How do you keep all this stuff in your head straight? It looks like 30 scams you're running at once. You're talking about your fucking moron buddy here with the fucking machines. I had the key to the vending machine. I would go in there every morning. The soda machine would take the money, transfer it to cash.

Some white dude would put cash back in the thing. I would go in there. There'd be $300 in cash. I'd take $200 off the top and a couple cans of soda. I had the key, and I'd put it right back in the bookkeeper's fucking desk. I mean, the game I was running there was, Horrific. I robbed the lock guy.

The lock guy was trying to sell coke, too. I asked him one morning, where's your coke? He goes, I got it at home. I sent them on a mission to go get a car on Lake when I went and robbed his house. Are you saying? He came back. Somebody robbed my house.

I've been here all day, dog. I don't know what the fucking... Fucking horror show. Holy shit. Yeah. I'm happy you came on to that, right. I am too, man. Thank you for having me on.

I always try to get a... I always try to get crazy. your people on Monday night to get the party started so people doing that thing on Tuesday mornings. Now, you have a podcast. Yeah. Very successful. People fucking love it. Yeah, we have great fans.

How long have you been doing it? I'd say three and a half years now. Yeah, you've been doing it. How many episodes a week? Just one. Just one episode every Tuesday. We did it last week. I just bumped into somebody who did it.

Josh Roberts. Steve Simone. Yeah, Simone. Simone's, I'm doing his. Okay. Somebody. Something. That's right.

Yeah, but Simone's been on a few times. Yeah, everybody loves Steve Simone. He's great. Steve's a good guy. I'm going to be on there on the 28th. You're coming. 25th, one of those fucking Tuesdays. Well, don't worry.

We'll talk. I'm happy. I'm happy. I try to get out there more. It's just, you know, people hit me up. I don't have Skype here. It's tough to give to it, to really give your podcast the best attention if I'm doing 10 podcasts a week.

Yeah, I agree. And I did everybody's podcast for a while, and I said, you know what? I'm missing to something with my own podcast. Let me put some more effort. You know, me and Lee try to fucking give you the best we got. But you go on the road also a lot. A little bit. I go on the road a little bit.

And Jay Larson is your partner. That's right. Jay Larson is your part. That's right. And you go on the road with him also or you do your own fucking thing. Both. We've done crab feast stand-up shows where we've gone to like Seattle and Portland and done shows. And then I'm up at Sacramento this week, actually, the punchline up there, Thursday to Saturday.

You know, and I'll go do like a one-man. nighter in Chicago or something like that all out of the podcast. I mean, it's been pretty... Good for you. Yeah, and you know, Tom Seguora, who we both love, he's the one I talk to all time about it. Like, you know, he's like, don't do that, do this, you know,

and I listen to him. He knows what the fuck he's talking about. Tom's a very smart guy. He's doing very well, and I'm really happy. You just shot a special the other night? Yeah, Seattle, right? Right. He's a great guy, Tom, Segar.

People have no idea. I like Tom because people like Tom aren't usually my friend. they fucking shot the other way Tom sucks it all up Tom is a great guy I like people that take the fucking I like when white people are crazy

that's what makes me I like white people That's why Jay and I work so well together He's the same way and yeah He's fucking great too I don't like conservative white people No I live too long around them

They drive me fucking nuts Jay just fucking tell you straight up Like you'll be like you want to hear this shit And he'll just be like no I don't want to fucking hear that shit right now Like, he's just straight. He'll be straight. Good, good, good, good.

Yeah, they're great. I'm happy you're doing your thing. I'm happy everything's working out for you. Thank you, you, you're a great guy. This was fun, man. We were trying to exchange, get on your podcast. I know. It takes forever.

Somebody can't get on here. And let's make it happen. So thank you. Let me give a shout out to our sponsors. I get you out of you. It's late. Lee got this fucking high. Lee, you got something to say,

talk, second? Yeah, I'm going to Toronto this weekend, which is going to be really fun. I have a lot of fun. Linger Radio, I'm going to get this high at the, have you been in the underground in Toronto? We're going to have a live flying your radio with Derek Birch, and then on Saturday I'm doing a podcasting seminar

at the comedy bar, so just go to leasedyat.com for tickets. I'm really excited. I'm just super high right now. I know you're super high. I have like 400 milligrams, but it's, I'm really, I think it's really cool, and actually I got Lipson to give people free hosting if you come, so it's, go to leasedyat.com.

I want to welcome a new sponsor to the family. Not going to be around, but they're a great fucking app. I mean, everybody who's people have told me that they're excited about us getting it. It's really cool. All right, you know, your time is precious, and you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there, right? I know there's a corny fucking line, but I'm trying to get it right. You know, and there's a lot of nonsense on the internet.

Listen, I like magazines. I don't know about you guys. I go to a dentist office, and I pick up fucking people. My wife gets Rolling Stone at the fucking house I've been reading Rolling Stone Since day one When I was a kid I was a fucking cream guy

But you know what I like about Rolling Stone I'm such a half of my got fag The first five or six pages They show you little events And people who are together and shit And sometimes they have pretty good stories in there You know Yeah I'm a sports illustrator guy

I'm over the bikini issue You know When you're 13 Yeah that's funny If you're 22 And you still wait for the bikini issue You got fucking problems But anyway

But anyway But it was just, you told me about it and I download it. It's just, you can download, like, back issues. It takes, like, three seconds. And you have, like, the full magazine. Like, sometimes, like, I'm sick of reading just, like, text articles. Like, I like actually looking at, like, the picture sometimes. You want the whole magazine.

Yeah. And next issue gives you this. Yeah, I know. It gives you, yeah, it gives you the whole magazine. And they give you magazines like people, Vogue, Esquire, time. And they let you dive deeper into the story within active contact for richer reading experience. Sign up for next issue right now. You'll get immediate access to all the top magazines,

including back issues and exclusive videos and photos and stuff like that. Let me tell you what's on here, right? Like, for example, let's say you want to read... They got Maxim, they got ESPN the magazine. They got U.S. Weekly. They got Time. They got The New Yorker. They got Sports Illustrated.

They got People. They got Newsweek. They got Hello Canada for you Canadians up there. See, I'm always thinking of you, Cox, Suggers. They got the Bloomberg Business Week. I mean, this is the real deal. Lee, when you fly, what do you do? Before you fly, you want to read your magazines?

Hell yeah. What do you do? They got car and driver. They got clean eating. When you sign up for the app, it takes you, like, what ones of these do you look good? And magazines are expensive, so I wouldn't buy all these magazines, but I just clicked all of them, and you can just scroll. They can recommend articles to you, or you can just go and click on whatever one you want to read. It was legitimately pretty cool.

Now, the best part about this is Next Issue is offering your free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com slash Joey and Capitals, all right? Again, you can try Nextissue free. Right now when you go to nextissue.com slash Joey and Capitol Letters, all right? Give it a shot. Have I ever fucking steered you wrong people? And it's free. And it's free. And it's free.

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They ain't fucking around. 100% money back guaranteeing. They give you 20% off your first order. So the vapor pen is 50, you're going to get it for 40 bucks. Money talks and bullshit walks. It's Monday. We ain't got time for chitter-chatter motherfuckers. Go to NaildaLight.com and press in. Joey Diaz.

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Welcome aboard. Please go to nextissue.com slash Joey and get your free subscription right now. Here these things, you know me, 5 for 50, and Nail theLife.com. Gumi's Hermanos. One more time. Excuse me, I'm getting guests. One more time, my main man, motherfucking Ryan Sickler.

He'll be at the Sacramento Punch Line this weekend. That's right. Throwing some fucking heat up there. It's a great club. They got great wings. The waitresses are hot. The tall blonde ones always throwing heat. She got those fucking thighs.

She gets in their head sizzling. it's all over but the shout. When was the last time somebody got you in the head scissors, fucking Ryan Sicklin? It's been a minute. Listen, this Thursday, Friday sat down at the D.C. improv. You know me? Spreading the love in the nation's capital,

smoking big reefer. A shout out to my girl, Mrs. Obama. You know, I love you. I'm looking for that ass. I'm looking for that presidential little muffler. I sniff that motherfucker like I own it. I put some... I was last time somebody put that nose in your muffler.

and sang the fucking national anthem. What's up, Lee? You're sitting there like a fucking... They're definitely going to be listening to this one. You're sitting there like a fucking half a dunce. It's Monday night. Kick out the jazz, brothers and sisters. I want to thank Ryan Sickle one more time. I want to thank the flying Jew, Lee Syatt. I want to thank myself.

But most importantly, I want to thank you bad motherfuckers for staying up tonight and watching the church of what's happened now. Stay black. Have a good week. See in a few days. Lee, what's the problem here? I'm going to do the ads. Hold on. Next issue is the mobile app that lets you...

It lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. Best part, NextDishu is offering a free trial right now when you go to NextDashu.com. Go to Naileditlifte.com and use co-bbered Joey Diaz to get 20% off the premier vapor pen on the market for oil and wax. Smokers. Poked, pokey shit. You have a little... Pharmacy. All right, come on, close it.

I'm trying. I'm going to shoot a video still. We got to do things. We're doing that now? Oh, my goodness. Yeah, we've got to do it now. We'll do it tomorrow. We've got to stall this guy.

Come on, close it up. Go to hit e6.com and use Coburn Joey's Church to get five hit E6 for $50. And go to honor. com and he's cobert church to get 10% off all the great optimization products. What you gonna do? I'm just caught up with you. It ain't your turn.

You know there's no return. Take it. First it was the bomb At NAMNapal Push the knee Start spinning