The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #309 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: August 18, 2015

Ralphie May, Comedian seen on Last Comic Standing and Host of "The Perfect 10 Podcast", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 08/17/15 Music:  I'll Never Go Back To Georgia - Joe Cuba Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Gallow's Pole - Led Zeppelin Highway To Hell - AC/DC

We're going to smoke a piece of ash. From under the glass, I forgot the glass. And if we fucking use this, it'll melt that fucking, we'll be smoking for maldehyde. I'm going to water bottle. Godgast knows, whatever. This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Like a motherfucker. Go to Onet.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood.

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Old school coming at you. Joe Cuba, 19-fucking 60, New York City. Oh, shit. Ralphie Mae. Yeah, baby. The flying Jew. Hello.

Oh, shit. Shit. Kick it, Lee. Kick this motherfucker. It's the meal right here. Oh, oh shit. This isn't Crooklyn. The movie Crooklyn? Leave that. He goes into the bodega and there's a Puerto Rican transvestite and he's dancing to this by the fucking refrigerator. I started crying in the movie theater. Crying. That's the Puerto Rican bodega and she was luring the customers. When they go get like a bottle of beer, she'd like lure them over when they were all drunk and rub up against them and shit. What's happening? Cocksuckers, the church of what's happening now?

Monday, August 17, the day the devil was fucking sodomized and set back to fucking Gomorrah. What's going on, Ralph? Man, nothing shake up but me, Bobby. That fucking hash got me all fucked up. It's Hash Monday. The Catholics have hash Wednesday. We got Hash Monday.

It's always Hash Monday. It's always fucking Has Monday. And this, of course, is direct from my sister, the one-eyed Jew. I love it. This fucking other shit. the crystals of debt Look at this It won't even fucking fall off the side

Look at that thing It's like mixed opium and hash And fucking Straight from Bidlodin's asshole right there This is the shit It came over What's happened Lisa? You're up in Toronto

Yeah, I had a great weekend Tell them people how to do a podcast You're like a regular fucking Simon Bostonista Who's that? Some fucking superhero From the 70s It was great

I went to the underground The night before After Steve shows And I met Puff Mama Who knew you from before I did a I had a podcast that I've never had my name on anything before. Like I've gone with you to things and it's fun.

But I started getting really nervous after I dropped Paula off the night before I left because I realized I was packing and like my name was on it. And it was just, but it was, it couldn't have been more fun. We did dabs. I met this great guy, David, who works for like the biggest pop girl work in Canada. And he, he was telling me all about it. And then the next day we had like 20 people at the podcast seminar. It was great.

And it was the coolest thing about it, was there were people there who didn't know me from the podcast. And I, like, I got, like, this one guy was there. He was, like, 80 years old, but he wanted to start a podcast. It was great. That's kick ass, man. I love Toronto, man. Oh, my God.

It was, I've never been to Canada. Oh, really? I've always heard everyone was really nice. But it was just so much fun and the food was great. And it was just, yeah. Good Chinese up there in Toronto. Fuck, yeah, man. Don't fuck around at that.

Good weed. They ain't fucking around up there. They got birds in the fucking windows, man. Remember when they were shit? shooting everything up there. Yeah, that was good because you go one street and it's New York. You turn another street, it's fucking Chicago. You go in one place that's goddamn Philadelphia. I mean, it's fucking the greatest town to shoot in. And the people are amazing, man. They don't shoot that no more like they used to? You know, they don't. I think the dollar got

weaker against the Canadian dollar. It used to be, but not anymore. Now it's like 130 American for every dollar Canadian, so maybe more stuff will go up there. I remember being up there at the comedy club Boris Yeah, underwood. Yeah. No, Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comedy would. Comedy would. It was two weeks for 1,200. 600 a week, the headline. And you lived

over the bar, but then the second week you went to the other club, and you lived in a house with his crazy brother who was a driver for a hooker service. Yeah. And he would wake up her and like, listen, this one got beat up. She's bleeding from the head. She'll suck your dick for the small 15. It is

crazy. Fifteen Canadian. I had to keep the door locked. It was horrible. That's eight U.S. But I remember being on that block and walking down the block one day and seeing Andy Garcia, the guy from fucking cheers, the fat guy. Oh, yeah, George Wint. Oh, my God. John Void, all on one block.

They were all staying in the same fucking hotel. Here I am sleeping over a fucking bar. I know, man. And they're down the corner. He's delivered weed to your door in those days, 35 and 8. Yeah. Toronto's a good to have a movie theater. 10 years ago.

15 years ago. They had a movie theater with couches with waitresses. Really? Yeah. 15 years ago they were. There's rooms. And the beer there is so fucking good. You know, last time I played that, I was at the downtown room, and Mitch Headberg was

out the Uptown room, and then we flipped. So we went from Bathurst and Stills down to, down way the fuck down there in downtown. And that's when Mitch met his wife, Lynn. It was a crazy fucking time, man. It was a blast. For Mitch and that crazy kid, Josh, got arrested. Yeah. I forgot about that.

Right before he met Lynn. Yeah. Right before he met Lynn. That club was okay, but then he cut the money and... Right, right. He cut the money, and it was weird. I like, you know, and I used to sneak in. You know what? I think that fucking, I think he got pressure from the Russian mafia.

Well, he had a partner. Yeah. And they were always there, and they were like Russian Jews. Russian Jews. Chubby guy with glasses. Yeah. But it's funny because that whole town, like it was two weeks. I let's settle in that.

That was the only town that I broke my thing about strip clothes. Yeah, because they're deadly, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Oh, my fucking God. I went to this weed room the night, like the first night I got there, which they have there, which is the, I think the one thing that L.A. is kind of missing, just places you can go and smoke and hang out.

And these three girls walked in that were literally, one was just wearing, it was possibly the hottest girl I've ever seen. and right down the street, it was called like the brass rail. Yes. You were on Bloor Street. Yeah. Yeah, you were on Blois Street. That's where you were.

I'm telling you, I used to go up there fucking, and here's how I used to do it. This is the craziest story. I used to go to the improv. And at the improv was a nice Irish kid from Manhattan that was going to the U of Miami. He was working himself through college, and at night he'd work at the improv. All right. He had a Puerto Rican girlfriend. This is how weird life is.

We're at the bar one day. Who calls me, but Roger Paul? And he goes, Boris wants you to do two weeks. I go, I can't get into fucking Canada. I just say this in front of you. I go, you know, they want me to go to Toronto? I don't think I could get into Canada. And she goes, I could sneak you into Canada.

I do it every day. And I go, you live in Miami? She goes, no, I don't. I just come down to visit this knucklehead. She goes, I live in Buffalo, New York. but my father's retired and he's a professional gambler and he gambles and whatever

they gave him a pass and he goes right fucking through so he would drive me to Ontario to the bus station and then I would take the bus from Ontario to Toronto and I would stay the two weeks but the beauty was on the way out because then I'd give him my ID

and you'd see him look at the ID and go like they would fucking look at the computer and then they'd look at me and they go when did you come in here and I go last week I came on the other side No, you didn't. Yes, I did, but it's too late, fucking now. You know what I'm saying? It's too late, baby. It's too late. Somebody's going to get fired. So you want to arrest me on the way out and be my fucking guest. I said, I saw you and your fucking partner here. And they gave me my idea and they said, don't come back. I came back three more fucking times than the next year and a half.

It was good times, man. And the same way. But once 9-11 came, they locked that road up. Yeah. They locked that fucking road up. Yeah, you can't hardly get over now. What a fun city. Well, I miss it. What a fun. And now. And now I'd love to go to Vancouver with, I remember 15 years ago. When I'm telling you, this is how long ago, Gavin was still married to his wife. And he lived on Martel. Wow, no, no, no.

Yeah, Martel. Because him and Keith lived on Martel. This has to be 2000. So it's 15 fucking years ago, 99. There was a girl that used to date Larry Vizale that was the fucking cutest blonde girl you ever saw in your life. Her parents were hippies, her grandparents were. parents were hippies. This chick walked around LA barefoot dirty feet

with a sun tan that fucking never ended. You know, she grew up on the beach. But her story was she grew up, she worked on the beach of Vancouver selling pot cookies. Guys, Gavin was still with his wife. This is 99. This is 16 years ago. We're still not selling weed on the

fucking beach here. They were selling weed on the beach cookies. She used to bring him down. And one night she sold me and Gavin a cookie for $5 a piece. I remember he went home and almost died. Like, I remember you have a... Lee, can you get two more of these for Uncle Joey? These are great.

I've never had this before. That's a dud. That's a dud. Oh, it's a dud? Maybe. That's been there for fucking two years. Huh. But just the conversation at a table got this girl. Got this girl to call her dad.

And here's the best thing. I would take the flight to Buffalo. The dad would pick me up at the airport. Take me to his house. Let me take a shower. And him and the mother would cook for me. Puerto Rican red beans with pork chops. Fuck, yeah.

Yeah, man. And then he'd go, what do you want to do? And I go, nothing. He goes, you want to sit down and relax? You want to drive up there. Let's go. There's a 2 o'clock bus. And that was it.

That's how nice, dude. This is what you... Man, this is the people I've met through fucking comedy. Like, this is what you have to write in your book. Like, those little stories that people... That's exactly what I'm doing. The little fucking road stories are the ones that still baffle me. That I just remember right now.

Shit like this is what I just remember just remember. talking to you guys. Yeah, man. All we need is you drinking on my orange juice, and this is 1440. This is fucking awesome, man. This is just like we used to do, right there looking out the goddamn window.

That's, uh, what was the Bloody Mary mix? Oh, man, it was, uh, Texas Pete's, uh, Bloody Mary mix. We'd bring out from Houston, and it was deadly, deadly. It was so good, so spicy. And then we'd put pickle green beans in, and a shrimp and lots of horser lettuce. Fuck, yeah. And sometimes I'd fry up a whole piece of bacon

and shove that motherfucker in there. That's how you do it, Lee. Put the Jew in your back pocket. I'm going to bring you back to life. That's what we did. We'd get fucked up on that. I was having to talk with Ralphie last week, and I said, you know what, Ralphie,

sometimes I just want to blink my eyes and go back to 1440. Yeah. Because those nights with no money Were some of the best The night you burned your head The scalp Oh my God

He was a Chinese There was a Chinese light And he was yelling at Jody And his head was perfectly Under the Chinese light And I was about to say something But you know me I'm gonna come here

I go let him burn his fucking scouts And he goes And me and Jody Just busted out I remember getting Coked up with Jody And drinking the vodka And filling it back up with water

I know I know Dick So funny. Oh, my God. Man, how about the time you were over at Gavins and you had the Bolivian flu and his little cock-sucking male fucking pug dog? Pissed on me.

Yeah, ran up the back of the fucking couch, went to Coco, who's got his eyes closed, sleeping up right? Trying to fucking, I mean, just reeking a pussy and fucking yay. And he had shit on his fucking shirt. And that fucking cock-sucking dog pissed on your head. That was the fucking funniest shit I've ever seen. We did a lot of fucking Coke in that building. Good times. A lot of fucking Coke was done in that building.

I always stayed out of that. No, no, you never did none of that shit. It was just, it was around you. I used to go to your house, drink bloody marries with you. Yeah. And be doing little tiny bumps in the bathroom. Fucking I. Fucked up in that little apartment until 4 in the morning.

How much did you know, Ralphie? Oh, he knew. I love it. Come on, it's Coco. You know, you know what's fun, though, ladies, is when he comes in with the rare story. All right, I started doing blow with this chick. Turns out it wasn't blow it was hair on. We fucked all night.

It was crazy. I loved it. It was tremendous. All right. I think that was 2000. Okay. That was a great one. But that's the only time he ever did.

Dude, Thanksgiving was fucking epic. That Thanksgiving... With Maryland, up at your house, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. And the original room was purple, Lee.

He ate an ounce of mushrooms, Lee. an ounce, not a fucking eighth, a goddamn ounce. I was fucked up, Lee. I kept eating those fucking things. He ate like a pig. He fucking smoked the best refer.

That's when you used to have a jar on the table. Fuck yeah, a big ass jar. A pound jar on the table. A pound jar. Let's do this. And let me tell you what. I've never seen anybody been able to do that many drugs and stand.

Coco not only stood, he went down to the fucking OR. Got a big old fucking rock. an A ball, all right, did that shit. And from what I heard, blew the fucking comedy store away. I hadn't done the Coke yet. I got the Coke and took it home. I did the mushrooms and went to the store and was fucking lit.

And nobody showed up. So, like, you got to go up next. I was fucking lit on these mushrooms. And I went up there and I just looked straight ahead and the lights are turning purple in the original room. Like, that's all I kept seeing was purple, you know? Right. I heard you got a standing ovation People were calling me from the store

It was like 19 people It was like 19 people Yeah and you stood them That's way more impressive than 500 people If you're a comic and you're hearing this You understand To get a standing ovation from 19 fucking people Is more amazing than

Getting it for 25,000 people That's easy anybody can fucking do that All right These people were there on Thanksgiving night And fucking Diaz blew them away. Fucking tremendous. Those, you know, you, you think about what a night that was.

Maryland was all fucked up. We had a blast week. Oh, A, it was a great time. I was telling my wife today that it's, you know, we had our friend that called today and said that somebody died. I'm like, you know, I was eating with my wife at the time. I go, you know what? I don't want to seem like, what's that word when people, you're not, whatever, empathetic.

Empathetic, when you're not empathetic. But life moves on. If I drank what you at a bar, 20. years ago and you die. I'm very sad, but what do you want me to do? Stop my world and, you know. And it's just, uh, I think about Maryland a lot. Me too. It pisses me off how people talk

shit. But I was telling my wife today, I go, you know, I see this girl all the time that was Marilyn's friend. I see her all the time now at the store. And all the times I've seen, yeah, she comes over and says a law, but she never pulls me inside and says, do you still think about Maryland? I think about Maryland every fucking week. I lie the candle

for Maryland on Mondays. I let a candle for Maryland. I say a prayer for them. I changed the water for, and it's weird how for years she used to call me and bitch. And one day I told her, so do me a favor, man. Stop fucking bitching. Go out there and rock the world. You know, you're always bitching about what you're not getting. It's not about what you're not getting.

It's focused on what you're getting. If Mitty's giving you three spots, you're getting three more spots and a lot of other fucking people in this time. Yeah, no shit. So she would always... She was so powerful. One of the most powerful women comics I've ever seen. She would go on stage late night and some nights to fucking blow that. with that Filipino dick

she used to like to suck Filipino dick It was like a little sausage She's rolling around her mouth That people She's big guys would say I lift 300 pounds They will lift me, motherfucker You know just

Dumb shit that would just make you laugh Late night She's so funny So funny What's up with you Lysayette You bad motherfucker You're going to double tomorrow

That's it They're making you do kettlebells And you jigs I can't do double It's crazy Yeah you missed last week He'd call me tonight Did he come last week?

I didn't yeah Yeah, so he goes, yeah, he's got to do it double. Well, you've lost a lot of weight since I saw you last. Almost a hundred. Cattlebells, jujitsu. He's been stuck at 98 because him and the wife are fucking savages. Hey, it's not me and the wife, but it's me and the fucking 200, 300 milligrams I have. Oh, please.

Please, don't fucking boo. Where'd you go to the wife's and eat last night? Oh, Mollay, the first time ever. Oh, wow. I know so many people who go on a Mollay diet. I know so many motherfuckers that include Mollay. that diet. She didn't put chocolate in it. No, you don't need chocolate.

Fucking Mola. Yes, you do. That's the half of, isn't that what Moli is? No, that's just one part of Mexico's Mola. Right, they don't, her, her mom and her don't like chocolate in it, so we just had that. It's just chicken. What's in the sauce? I have no idea.

Fucking amazing. It's amazing. It's a little bit of Jesus. But yeah, but it wasn't spicy. I was getting used to spicy. It's not spicy at all. You can't be, depending on kind. I didn't, but now I do.

It's just flavorful. You have to. That's what, you know, all these white people are afraid of Mexican spice. If you watch Mexican Spicer Food, they just put a little bit of salsa, like a little bit of do you. Dumb white people are used to fucking ketchup on their goddamn tacos. They're retarded. I was in Washington, and my fucking buddy goes, let's go to Taco Time. Okay, it's a chain, a shit chain up there.

And the fucking lady said, do you want mild salsa or ketchup on your tacos? And I fucking laughed. I go, bro, if you eat that, I'm going to fucking fire you because I can't stand to look at your face. and we just left it there. We paid for it and left it. Fuck anybody wants it. Tocco time ain't no Tacco Cabana. And he used to the shit.

Some potato tacos for breakfast. Oh, stop. Takitos. And then you stop at the motherfucking Kalachi fucking factory. They don't know, man. They don't know. We used to fuck it up. What's been going on, dog?

Talk to me. Man, I, uh, the summer was a little crazy for me, you know? My PTSD I thought was being handled with, uh, antidepressants, but it's not. It wasn't. And now it is. And now it's antidepressants and mood stabilizers. And man, I feel fucking like I haven't felt in five years, bro. I don't hurt.

I'm fucking, I am up at seven throwing sidekicks for Jesus. I'm fucking the wife real good. I'm putting their legs up. I'm hugging my babies. I'm playing with my babies more. I'm more focused on it. And it's like, you know, man, you were absolutely right. I didn't like the fucking truth being told to me.

But, man, it was the goddamn truth, Coco. When you broke it down, hey, pal, you've been slipping a little bit. You were fucking. right. And you were goddamn right. And I didn't know how bad it was until I fucking went to the goddamn doctor and describing all my shit. And he goes, you're undermedicated for your PTSD. You are way the fuck under medicated. And now, man, I feel like I haven't felt in years, man. Like the whole world isn't closing in on me. Like, fucking, like, L.A. is not bother me as much. Traffic doesn't bother me. Fucking nothing bothers me no more, man. I am fucking great with

life. It is fantastic to not be pissed off except for when deadly needed. You know what I mean? It's nice. It's nice. Joey's one of the worst people to get to those two bombs because in the back of your head you know he's right. Oh, that's the fucking worst. And he's not right about it. Like, I'm not saying you're right

about everything because no one's right about everything. Nobody is. But when you, like, we've had a couple, we've had a couple of those talks. And during it, you like, you hate him. It's brutal. You hate it. I think it's just anybody who you hate, like when, can, like, is it's so odd? Who do you like the most? nine out of ten men are mad at their dads

because they confront us. They're our mirror. But they're not doing that anymore. You hate the people. Growing up, I hated my stepdad because he would break my shit. He would break whatever move I made, he was two steps ahead of me. You always don't like the people. I grew up around people that in all those years I were fucking up,

at the end of the night when I was coming down off the Coke, they said, listen, we had a great time. up. I got to talk to you. Somebody came and talked to me. They know that this guy, you robbed his house. I don't mean to bring this up, but I didn't want to ruin your night last night. Sleep on the couch. Get up in the morning, and we got to handle this. And they're not telling me what to do. They're not asking me what to do. They're kind of hinting to me what the right thing to do. And I get pissed. One of the worst conversations I ever had was with Matt Wood. And when he came up to me at the Comedy Works

and he goes, why do you come here? Ralph here, 95. Yeah. I'm ready to kill my ex-wife. I'm living in a basement. I have no food in the refrigerator. I'm sustaining just to do blow, pay my rent, and pay child support.

I'm lifting weights. I'm doing the right thing, but I'm on a fucking roll every night. And I would cancel all the time, the open mic. And this guy came up to me. And he goes, can I talk to you for a second? He's like, hey, man,

why do you come down here? Why do you waste your time and that time? He goes, let me be as honest as I can with you. He goes, just being you, you're the funniest of all these open micers. God forbid you wrote a joke, and God forbid you showed up. Look at your T-shirt. You got a white T-shirt on. You got a white T-shirt on.

Dog, my hands were fucking clenching to punch this guy in the mouth. And he goes, I'm not saying nothing bad about you. You're funny than these guys just being you, and you're throwing it away. I know you're doing blow. I know you don't do it here, but I know you don't. And this guy just read me the rider. I walked to the bus in Denver, Ralphie, and walk back to beat him up. And when I went back, God, let him know to get the fuck out of there.

He got out of there. You know where I was seeing the guy again? Bumped into the guy again in 98 at the Brave Bull in O'Hambra. And I followed the guy that used to come out with the hat and go, hi. I like my wife, I like my tits, with brown coffee. The guy that was like a detective. Yeah. Dwight something in the 80s and 90s.

Yeah, Dwight Slate? No, no, no, Dwight Slate. The guy's from Portland. He's friends with Hicks. This is a different guy. Dwight something, and I followed him and ripped a room apart. And he was back there with Brian Dunkelman. Oh.

They had just moved to L.A. together. Man. And he came up to me. Those basal de la mortis. And I pulled him aside. I go, Matt Wood. And he hugged me and he goes, that was, he goes, I'm really proud. I go, you know why?

Because that talk you had with me. And he took me outside. I was never more scared in my life, but you had to hear it. He goes, me, Todd, and a bunch of comics talked about it, and Todd didn't have the balls to say something to you. He goes, I thought you were going to punch me in the faith. I go, it changed my life.

It changed who I am today. I'm in L.A. because of the fucking words you said to me as much as I hated them that night, you know. You are, in my eyes, when I talk about headliners of this decade, you're the top guys I learned from. you have no time to slip and the Godfather there's a line that every time I hear it I want to punch myself

in the face and it's the fucking worst line you could ever say but where I come from it's true. Women and children can slip. Men don't slip. That's it. Women and children can make a mistake. Men can't make

mistakes. I don't have I don't have time to make a mistake anymore. I do not have time to to do anything. We've got handed the keys to the castle, Ralphie, man. Yeah. You and I have been handed the keys to the castle.

Without a doubt. I haven't had a job in 20 fucking years. That's the queas. I've never had an answer to somebody. After I went to prison, I didn't like a man kicking my bed and telling me to wake up. Right. I haven't had to answer to somebody.

I haven't had to answer somebody since I was 15, but for a job to make a living. And somehow it came together, even when you were in your fucking apartment. It always came together as long as you were out every night. You were writing every night. You fucking hustle. Right every day.

You were every night. Is it scary when you see how close it is? So I just did that seminar and now I'm trying to start doing more of them. And I wasn't even really scared before the first. But now that I'm like, oh, I could see, I really enjoyed doing it. And now that I could see, not that it's going to be easy, but I can see that I'm at, but it's possible. Like after you guys do shows And you see that as possible

And you know that there's a ton of work to put in At least for me it got scarier I'll tell you what your market needs right now And this guy's a genius of getting a business for you But I think right now what you're doing Fuck these little comedians I think that they're going to start a podcast They're going to start a podcast

They know how to do it Okay I think your people It's like computer people Yeah Tech people People who really Are uncomfortable

They don't know this world And they want to learn it from A to Z Comics know this world they have friends that are doing this right now. Every comment is doing this right now. Okay. It's a, it's, you're going after pennies, when you can go after dollars.

It's just going to take your little work. But when you strike one of those companies, you're going to hit. Oh, you mean go after companies, okay. Go after fucking AT&T and T and go, how come AT&T does another podcast every week? Yeah, that's crazy. Talking about their services

and what's going on with phones and technology, and like, scientists and answering people's tweets. Problems and shit. Yeah. That's where the dough is right now. That's your next move. That's who's at home going.

Right now, there's a board meeting going. We're losing 22% because we're not computer, we're not in a fucking computer. Savvy. Yeah. What is going on? Tell us about this Twitter. Look at fucking Amazon.

Amazon today's getting slammed by fucking shit work conditions for people. I mean, they're keeping people working in fucking warehouses over 110 degrees with no breaks. They time everything. They need some fucking counter that shit. I mean, I don't want to buy Amazon now. I mean, but if they would have a podcast that could explain it and tell me, hey, the air conditioning broke. You know, maybe I don't know the full context. Maybe the full context is not being reported.

You know, those fucking news agencies is always a fucking by the way. I'd like to hear the other guy's fucking side of this shit. All right? And that's exactly what they need, Lee. I mean, you can fucking kill that shit, do. And you know who told me this one? I remember Houston was the hottest comedy thing of all time. And in the late 90s, it was really booming.

And one day I went to do Latino night, and Dane Cook was there. And I go up to Dane, I go, Dane, I was Houston. He goes, man, that's a great club. And he goes, you know what? It was too many shows for the money. I got to figure out how I just do one big show there. Five years later, he was doing theaters. Yeah.

So my point is Lee that, yeah. You could go to comedy clubs around the country. There's expenses. And, you know, how expensive is being out there, Ralphie, man. It's fucking the biggest expenses. So there's a lot of expenses for the price you were charging. I mean, your thing is a workshop. It's nine to fucking five type deal for these people.

Your thing is a workshop. Your thing isn't just one hour. Your thing is a fucking workshop. We did like almost two hours and it wasn't enough time. No, your thing is a workshop. There's two parts to yours. They got to go eat lunch and come back and have questions. Do you think they just do like a rent, a room at a hotel?

That's what I've been thinking about. Like fucking, yeah. Yeah. Build it. If you build it, they'll come. And do it off days. You can save a lot of money if you do it off days, bro. And, you know, if you can, and book into it that you can adjust the size of the room. All right. So if you have a big turnout, then they can open it up.

Like bananas. Like bananas. And you can do it. You know, you ever see those commercial for real estate people that come to your town and teach you how to make a million dollars? Yeah, but that's a scam. I don't scamming anyone. You don't scamming nobody. I'm just saying.

the same type of thing. Lisa Yacht will be in your area. And then what you could do is maybe do a big one and then do a comedy club. So you get two bangs for a buck. Okay. I bet Zanies and Nashville would do it, bro. Yeah, Zanis and Nashville would do it. There's a ton of comics there that need to be podcasting.

And if you had there, I mean, you could do, they put out to all the comedy clubs in the southeast. And all of these comics to come. There's fucking 40 guys in Memphis. There's fucking shit ton in Louisville, Lexington, fucking Knoxville, Chattanooga. Atlanta, Birmingham, man, all of those guys will come up. I'd love to do them everywhere. And that was the one thing that I was surprised by. The crowd that came out to Toronto wasn't a lot of comics.

There were a couple there, but it was mostly other people. Right now there's businesses that really need your services. You have to find a way to reach them and go, listen. How long you've been plumbing? 32 years. Not for nothing. If you're making a living, doing it, you know a thing or two. Get somebody else on there, even if it's just for a half.

power, the plumbing show. Who gives a fuck? Today, didn't fucking home improvement? Remember for years? He would teach how to tear up a floor? What's the difference doing on a fucking podcast? There is no difference. What's the difference? People want to hear that. I'll hear it on the rate of work. And a lot of those guys are fucking funny as shit,

man. Naturally. They just need a co-host, somebody in between. Yeah, and to steer them. Somebody's got to steer them. There's got to be a program also lead that you could push these people on to go, one, two, three, ABC, and do what you did. Call them and go, hey, I'm referring these people. I did that.

I know you did that, but you have to do it more with more companies now. Now, the next one is the people they contact the download it, because you're leaving. So they don't know how to fucking download it. So there's got to be a company to teach them how to do that. Now you got to go to that and go, oh, yo, I'm going to send you 18 fucking people a dollar a piece every week. Whatever, I'm just saying. Right. You're sitting on a gold mine.

Lee. That's just, you have to point that the right direction. Yeah. You have a great bullet. Just come to Nashville. Okay. I'll set it up. I'll set it up.

I'll get you a night. Okay. I know everybody fucking run out there and supports you. Nashville always supports us podcast or comics, okay? That'd be great. And, dude, and not only that, you don't even have to get a hotel, Lee. You can stay at my house. Thank you.

My house is like eight blocks away from the club. And it's empty. It's a big fucking house. There's food in the freezer. Fuck, yeah, man. There's chili. There's fucking everything. I got everything in there, ready to go. I'd love to.

Yeah, man. Lee, it'd be my pleasure. And I even got my buddy Aaron who'll pick you up from the host. I mean, from the airport, my car, you can drive my car. Oh, I know. You have a good, sir. People talk to me all the time

about starting something. Yeah. Especially when I go on the road, that they do this. I had a dentist talk to me about it. I had a shoe guy, but I fucking lost a car. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, in Boston, yeah. But Boston. I had a, people are interested in this. They just don't know where to start. It's like, what's his name, said in the sopranos.

Everybody wants a cooler. They just don't know where to buy one. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, right. Well, that's the issue I found when I was building. It's just, if you Google it, there's 8,000 people telling you 20,000 different ways to build a podcast. So, like, that's what I said at the beginning. Like, this is just the way I did it.

Listen, but here's the fucking thing. Okay. This is me. This is fucking me, okay? Yes, I bought the fucking Judy Brown workbook. Right. And I read about comedy, like every other comedy did. But I learned from watching Ralphie Mae.

I learned from watching Bill Burr and Greg Haraldon, Joe Rogan, and Ari and Duncan. You learn different things, okay? Right now, you know, I don't know. I saw that ad for the people on TV high. We could up your marketing and do this and this and this. That's great. Well, I'll tell you what you got. You got some kid that went to school for marketing.

The between that kid and you is you're living in. You've seen it. You've seen how our numbers went up. What we did. What works and what different works in some markets. How many times have you called me and said, wow, we had this guy on him who's a celebrity and he's got no hits and this guy's a plumber and he's got 2,000 fucking hits. I wonder what the fuck happened.

We learned not to release a podcast on the... a Friday. That's a dead fucking thing. We learn not to edit a fucking podcast. These are the things we learned by doing. We used to do a podcast, we used to edit it. We stopped editing it. The numbers went through the fucking roof. Right. You know, and they hear you say fuck and yom and fucking Chinese and all this shit.

They love that shit. You got to drop a stick and a knick once in a while. Yeah, so this is what you have to tell the people that they're going to sit there and look at you. If I had any type of business today, flooring and fucking tiles, if I wasn't a a snappy guy, I'd have somebody in there, but I'd have them pushing the envelope. Because I want people to say, what the fuck is Ralphie Mae Floring talking about?

Right. Fingers up an asshole. Just did not continue on my Twitter. I'm a Christian. I'm a Christian. These are the people that push you more. These are the people that are going to go, you own that company?

And that's what you're trying to do. That's what you're trying to do online. That is the social, whatever. You could go on Facebook and dick around and show people what you have. for lunch. Who gives a fuck? You know? Who gives a fuck? Unless you're eating... Especially because people follow so many

people, you really have to stick out. You really need to stick out. And especially if you have a business. If you say, I mean, you'll get a lot of hits if you like took what you had for lunch and it's like Jiner. You know, if it's a nice pussy meat, all right? That'll get a lot of hits. But that's the only it, man. If you're taking a picture of your fucking sandwich,

go fuck yourself. Why don't you tape your workouts? I like going to VMAX for the kettlebells. But when they tape my workers, it drives me crazy. I do it for them because I like them. But I don't do it for me to why. I fucking ate that shit. Why is this? I hate that shit.

For me to go to the gym and periscope myself, listen, I go on to pariscope and I do what I do best. And that's smoke reefer for five minutes. That's what I'm hot. I don't want to talk to nobody after five minutes, right or wrong. If you're smoking good weed, you smoke the joint, you had your soda, you had your donut. Is there anything else I could do for you? No.

All right. See you later. See you later. Get the fuck out of here. I'm putting the stereo on. I'm getting fucking that. That's right, man. I'm fucking YouTube of music.

I want to sit here smoke dope and look at you, scratch your feet. Go to your own house and scratch your feet. Let me sit here and meditate on this fucking hash I just smoke. I'm hearing fucking sirens and shit. That's the point. That's the fucking point of this whole thing is to get away and people want to fucking crowd you. I love getting high, but I love getting high.

I don't trust it anymore. My favorite thing in life is to get high and put fucking speakers on it and just go for a fucking walk in the sun. You can't do it. Somebody's going to come up behind you and shoot you in the head or you don't hear explosions or fucking you know ISIS is running to the park and then you all listen to fucking prince

Man fucking speaking of ISIS I was down in Irvine Holy shit That is the most Arabs I've seen Since fucking Kuwait All right Have they taken a little Irvine Holy shit

Dude these fucking retards They throw their goddamn carpets Out in front of the fucking fountain It looks like valet parking for magic carpets. It's Arabian arts.

Why are you tormenting these beautiful people? It's Arabian days. Hey, because it looked blow-upy as fuck out there. That's why. Because those fucking, they're very combustible. That's why. And I've gotten shot at by those cock-suckers, Coco. I've been to Iraq.

Not the ones here. I've been to Iraq. The ones here that are nice people. I'm telling you. I don't know they're nice people, Coco. Because I can't, I can't fucking tell their difference. They're walking around with that fucking hot jeep or whatever. Fuck that shit is.

Looking blow-upy like a motherfucker. I'll tell you what. I'll throw a ham sandwich out of them. They'll kill themselves. I'll solve this fucking problem. I've always had fucking success with people from those communities. I don't know why. And when I was young, you know, I had my fucking...

I like some of them. You know who I really dig? And it's fucking crazy. Iranians. I fucking like Iranians more than I do the Arabs. I'm fucking way more. I love the Iranians. I love the Armenians, too.

I love the Armenians, too. They're fucking crazy. It's like, hey, comb your shoulder, bro. I like, at this point in my life, I like everybody. Yeah, I got, yeah. Yeah, listen. I hate Russians. I'll tell you that.

I don't like, fucking Russians. Why don't you, keep it up. Keep it up. They're going to drop a grenade and fucking here. Russians and fucking Arabs. I hate fucking Russians. I've hated since, Russian since goddamn 84. Why you insult them?

When they killed Swayze and Red Dawn, they can suck my dick. And you know what? They killed Apollo Cree too, nigger. Don't forget. You're slipping. Hey, go fuck that stuff. All right, those cucksucking Russians. They put baby in the corner.

Fuck them motherfuckers. I hate those cocks suckers. Eat a dick, Russians. They got nice fucking wheat stores. They don't bother nobody. They always give you an extra gram. They know what's going on. Yeah, the Russians here.

They're the ones who're seeking the Great American Dream and taking over white people and punching them in the face. I'm talking about the cocksucker Russian Russians. Okay, they're in Russia. Okay? I mean, he's probably fucking Russian Jew. I am, yeah. Yeah, he's Oshkanazi like a Nick, man. I love that guy.

All right? But that's what. what it is. That's what it is. Lee's down. Okay. I like Lee. I like Lee. Yeah, right? For real, because look at you, Lee. You ain't wearing no sweater in the fucking summer. Okay? You ain't smoking shit crazy cigarettes. You don't smell like smoke fish. All right? Those Jews always smell like fucking fish, those fucking crazy Russian Jews over there in West Hollywood. That's all they got. That's all they got, bro. Where are they on Fairfax? Oh, man. I wish they were on Fairfax. They're on Sunset. That's a big place. That club by that

urban ramen place that used to be that I mean it's been like a thousand places it was right across some green tea house where we used to go you remember we used to go over there it's right across that's a big Russian hangout

dude they're all rushing gangsters all right one of their girls hit one of our cars and they came out and said it was our fault and the car was parked and nobody was in a fucking car and they started to fucking say something and you know me Coco

I carry a pistol a lot a lot okay I've I've got a class three weapons license, okay, and I've got distinction from the FBI, all right? I can carry the fucking thing anywhere, okay? I can fly with it, all right? And I'll just fucking pull my gun. I just pulled the gun, and the guy's back the fuck off, and we got to exchange information and looking with, and no drama, all right?

But they were fucking surrounding my wife. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I got hit by a Russian lady in a parking lot up here, and she refused to admit it was her. Yeah, exactly. And she was like 90 years old, so I felt really bad. But she was like, no, that wasn't me. And her car was filled with dents. Just, oh my God.

I got hit, too. I got hit by a Russian shirt. Me too. She paid me. Fuck you, pay me. You got to pay me. I got that one insurance. I don't know who the fuck they are.

Fuck you pay me and see you later by. It's crazy, though. I used to, you know, I always crack jokes. And like I say on stage, I'm not really a racist at all. I'm not, you know, whatever. But I say racist remarks for a laugh for myself. at least to keep me the fuck thing. You're insensitive.

Because in the back of my mind, I know they're saying shit about Spicks. Oh, man. If I'm not around, I know people are talking about Mexicans, and I'm not even fucking Mexican. I hear people talking about Mexican in their real views. And I giggle, and I don't make a joke, but I fucking know, now at least I know how you feel.

Right. You know, it doesn't bother me. I'm not, listen, I've never felt, I felt insecure growing up to, like, being second, like being third tier because I was Cuban. but I never got offended when people said shit to me growing. Dude, I was white trash. I never really got offended at all.

And now I'm fat white trash. What are you going to do? You're on what the fuck you wrong with? Right, exactly. Fuck it. I learned early on. If they say that type of shit, just giggle. And I always did.

I never had a beef with it. One time I had a beef with it. And I had it. I was just mad anyway, so he just gave me an excuse. What's up, Lee? Look at you. You're back in coma fucking thing. Hell yeah.

Mama waiting for you tonight? Yep. Oh, shit. Shit. Yeah, she's there. What's you making over there? What's she cooking? I don't know what's for dinner.

She's surprising? Yeah, I guess. What do you think? What do you think of it is? What do you bank on? Probably a good sandwich. I don't know, like a turkey sandwich. Oh, yeah?

That's what she's making you for dinner? I don't know. You know what's her lunch? A fucking turkey sandwich? I don't know. It would be like 11 o'clock at night. You know, Lee, you got to come to my house for a turkey sandwich. I get Jewish rye, all right?

And I put a little Russian addressing on there. I know I hate the Russian, so it's ironic that I like the dress and. All right. And then, and then good ass turkey right there. A little sark trout, make a reuben right there, pan fry, and cheese. What? You'd love it, Lee. You'd love it.

No. You'd love it. Maybe you were the shittiest Jew of all time. All time. All time. Yeah. He's so removed from the rules of being a Jew. Your guideline for it is what food I've eaten.

And the rules of being from Boston. He fell right out. Did you even get bar mitzvah? Yeah. Okay. My portion was Noah. Your what name is Noah? No, no, you have a portion.

Like, every week it's a different story, and my story was Noah. Your story is Noah. Yeah, he read part of the scroll. Oh, it was Noah. He fell in love with a Mexican chick. No, he's the one that had the arc. Yeah, man. No, put all the animals in two by two.

It's no, it's just, I didn't. I had my mic running. Say some of that for us. I know you still remember it. I don't remember shit. Don't you bullshit me. Especially right now. Those Jews drill that shit into you for six fucking years.

I know. It's terrible. I don't, like, what, like, like Noah or just anything? Just any of that of it. Come on, sing it. Come on. Let's see you. Barukata adai. Al-Hanahana.

Mahayana. I think that's like one over bread. I'm not sure. Yeah. That's all. Wow. Yeah. I need this shit in my life.

Sure. Why not? What if you're ever in Israel? You got to bless some bread. No shit, man. Hey, and you know what? Fucking number one in Israel. Right now.

Church of what's happening now. Fuck yeah. Dude just went crazy if I would have if I got it right. Fucking them up right now. Man, I like Israel. I like the way they fucking roll. I do. Yeah, it's going to be scarier.

Like, I went over there and it was fine, but now you see like, I used to be all pro-Israel, but now you've got to look at it kind of objectively and realize they're both kind of fucking up. Everybody's fucking up. Man, just go to Haifa and everything's chill. Hypha is really nice. Yeah, everything's chill and hypha. What I was going to say to you was, there's no guidelines, but I always thought people from the East Coast ate a little differently. At least growing up I did.

About two years ago, my best friend in Jersey, his son came out here. No, his sister's son came out here, who I knew since he was a little kid. And we were talking. And when somebody comes out in their fucking 17 to go to the Navy, I said, do you want to go out to dinner? Where do you want to go? And he's like, I don't care, you can take me to subway. and I said, you're from North Bergen, you're from the projects of North Bergen, and you're in a subway?

He goes, that's all I eat, is Subway or my grandma's spaghetti. I go, so that's all you wake growing up. Joan didn't take you to Picoleseo. Joan didn't take you to... What's that? Chance, yeah, dragging in. She goes, no. You get one of them fucking teaky drinks.

So I didn't know that... Have you been there, Lee? Yeah. So good, man, then fucking egg rolls. Those fucking spare ribs are really good. Oh, man, the spare ribs. in the fucking days. But it's so weird,

I thought people ate differently. That's what it was. I just thought I ate differently. But, you know, when I went to New York City 10 years ago, and I saw the thing that Red Band likes,

Olive Garden. Oh, that's disgusting. In the middle of Times Square. Time Square. I knew it was over. I knew that there was a lack of everything. Whoever rented that building should be fucking shot and hung

two times in the head. But that's the way, I was in Long Island in an elevator and I saw a kid coming up with Domino's Pizza. And I almost died. One time I was stuck in Long Island overnight. I just went to the hotel. I was a terrible hotel. And I went to the guy and I go, can I get a menu?

And he gave me a Chinese menu. And I just ordered because I was hungry. Lee, the best fucking food I had in years at this little. Because Long Island has two airports. They have that big airport, which is Kennedy. Yeah, JFK. And then they had that little one. Out there.

Southwest flies into it. A lot of people don't know about that airport. Yep. But, bro, that's a long. It's slip, right? I slip. That's a long flight from fucking, I took that flight on a cheap run on some Howard Stern reunion show in a theater and Craig Gas was supposed to go on Howard Stern. Howard Stern hung up on him.

So we only sold 80 tickets. And I got a big song and dance at the end of the fucking show. It was horrible. Oh, about how we didn't sell enough. We can't pay you. Yeah. Man, there's always those motherfuckers. Usually it's a black guy.

All right. I had the black guy. Yeah, in Texas. These guys were white. Oh, my guy. There was an asshole named Vance Bradford that still owes me for a gig at Texas A&M, okay, from fucking 94, Jack. That's the manager. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a manager. And he still owes me 500 for that. He's a fucking dick, all right? And, you know, I'm rich. I don't even, 500 is dinner with us, okay? You remember all those fucking things. But I remember the guys that fucking fucked to me when I needed it, man. Judy Brown, $25 bucks for an MC spot in Vale, Colorado, no hotel.

I had the car from Lakewood, Chrysler, Plymouth. And that night it was so cold. I had to sleep in my car when I started. The fan belt fucking snapped. And I had to get, I just left the car there and quit the job. I never called up. I never went and got my last check. There was no use.

I just left the car there. Wow. I called him and said the fan belt broke. I don't know what to tell you. I'm not coming back. What happened? I just, I'm like, this was a sign from God. Yeah.

Beaked the 25 bucks, the fucking car blew up. That was not. Bro, I had a ton of jobs. I would just take the job to get the car. Oh my God. Man, tell them about gas stationing. Okay, in North Jersey. No, listen to this.

It's the best one. When I went back to Colorado in 93, I lived in Colorado from October. That was a older? I went back to, I lived with my cousin, Alcuello, in Arvada for about three months. And basically, all he did was get me advances to go to places to get a job.

So I would walk into your dealership with a suit on and go, I'm going to run your fucking Latino division. First I went to Douglas Toyota, who had the strongest Latino division. They had al-Ciolo and this Mexican dude. They put the Mexican dude on television and said, we'll fucking finance you.

We speak Spanish. Fucking Douglas Toyota went from selling 300 cars a month of 450. 150 cars a month to the Mexican community. Two salesmen. Fuck yeah, man. Selling 150 cars. Two Mexicans.

Al Cuoello and another Mexican. My cousin and this Mexican. Al Cuoello bought a home. He was smoking more. I mean, they were killing. And then the word got out. So Al hired me. And I went over there, I went over there

with no money in my pocket. And Al got me, I think, a $1,500 up front, a car to take. take home every night with a license plate with no drama. And I could work my own hours. So if I had a gig, I could leave at 8 o'clock. And I think for 90 days, dog, I made $7 to $8 a month. But I was there.

You got to be there. And it's a line of closure store. What that means is, how you doing, Ralphie Mae, what's happening? Everything beautiful? Yeah, I'm looking for a truck. Okay. Let me show you this truck. You like it?

You want to drive it? Yeah, we come back. Can I get you the numbers? Let's go. What are you? I came in here with a range, bro. Come on. Let's do the numbers.

I sit you down, then I bring the fucking flying Jew in there, a motherfucker that don't give a fuck about nothing. This guy sold his mother a car for a thousand over retail. And he comes in and works Ralphie Mae. And guess what I? That's it. I never see Ralphie Mae again. I sell that car.

You get a percentage from the dealership to close the deal. Guess what I do? I'm a fucking whore. I go right back out there and get another customer. And in those days, that lot had so many customers that I would just qualify right there. What's happening in Ralphie Mae? Nothing. What's cracking?

What are you looking for? A truck. Let me ask you something. If we make a deal today, you're going to buy it today? Well, I don't know. Listen, listen. Don't hit me with that. I don't know shit.

Either Ron or off. You're going to buy a truck because I'll fucking go in there and fight to you like a motherfucker. I'll get that truck down to bare bones today. Let me see the 1,000 in your pocket. And they go, let's do it. And I had this motherfucker on. I drive them, come back, push him to a closer.

That's a line of closer. So you throw eight motherfuckers to the grave. Six of them are going to buy. Two of them are going to be bad credit. So I sold four cars for a fucking day. It's just numbers. You just got to talk to, you got to grab people. And those days, you had to hide behind cars and shit and spook people.

You think I'm fucking kidding you. You think I'm kidding, though. You got to stand by the door and put your hand on the car. Were you heavy then or no? No, I was in shape. You had to drive in and put your hand on the door and walk them to a parking spot and greet them and then take them and fucking jam them in the ass.

And then when they fucking got pissed off at me I said fuck you And I just started horrid myself Going to different dealerships I'm going Let me talk to the owner Listen How many fucking spicks you sell in the month

Three We're gonna kick that up to fucking 44 How? This is what we're gonna do You're gonna do ads on the radio I'm gonna do them in Spanish And that's all I did for a year I'd work there for a month I'd get in advance like five grand

Pay the attorneys from the child support All that shit I owed And I just keep moving the fuck out Ralphie man It was amazing how many people I put together. At the end, I finally put together a used car lot. One of those fucking 60 cars in the lot they find that year.

I got one of those jobs. And that job wasn't bad. They let me work my hours until one night the engine blew up. How did the engine blow up? Dog, listen, in those days, with my luck. I was watching Swat the other night. The guy goes to the restaurant. He kills his uncle.

He gets in a car. He gets pulled over for a fucking a busted tail lock. Right. That's the kind of luck you have when you live in those circles. You understand me. So in those days, anything I touched blew up. Blew up. Didn't I blow up, Ann Maney's car?

I was wondering if you're going to talk about that. That's the greatest story of all time. Oh, my God. Oh, so fucking dumb. She was a dumb bride who was all in love with Josh Wool. All right. And to get closer to jose, Josh, this big ass

girl, she could only get like $500 for a piece of shit car. She was getting, she got a new car. And so she just gave it to Coco. No, she gave it to Josh. Oh, she gave it to Josh, and Josh gave it to Coco. Okay? So, I think we're over like a, like a bag

of weed. Okay, he got a car. All right? So Coco lost, he, he was dating the tooth and he fucking got pissed off at her. No, but tell him the whole story. Oh, I'm going to. The car had air conditioning. It had power windows.

It was a little Nissan cruise, but the brakes were a little low. But what happened was she gave me the car with only a month and a half on the tags. So I used to sleep in this motherfucker at night. I would snort Coke and go in that car, open the sunroof. I'd put a blanket over me. I jerk off into a sock. And I'd roll over and listen to air condition. Then I wake Ralphie up at 9 and go eat his food.

Yeah. So once the plates expire. You shower. You shower two times a day. Oh, at the comedy store. Two or three times a day, too. At the comedy store, I would shower at nine when it opened, and then I'd go back about 7.30 before anybody would go down there,

because I didn't want Jeff to catch me naked in the piano room. That motherfucker, give me a shout of a piano dick. That's a D minor. That is crazy. So they kept giving, once the tags expired, there were these black chicks with a donut haircut, the donut dew, the wand, with a gold tooth. I never forget that woman. And what she would do is she would look for.

for that car. I used to watch her. Yeah. And she would just pull over and give her the ticket because that's what they do to expire tags. She would just pull off. She recognized the car. Yeah. That car had so many fucking tickets, but there was more a story. Dude, dude, you had, you had Red Zone tickets. Oh, it was down

$10,000. Okay, it was like $10,000. Why didn't you just park in a better place? Because they still find me. There was no better place. He was parking El Compadre and they they fucking. They still find me. How much is it to register a car? I couldn't register it because She had the title.

She never gave Josh the title. Oh, motherfucker. Oh, no, you have no idea. But I took that car dog. I drove that car with no brakes for about two or three months. No breaks, no insurance, no registration. Wait, so. No nothing.

Lee, let me tell you, man. Okay, you knew Coco was coming because you heard the squeak of the fucking breaks. So what happened when I went to put the pigs? It would just go, jean, and smoke would come out of the tires. and I go it all the way every day to Redondo Beach and back because at that time I was living in Redondo Beach and I do 60 with that dog you have no fucking idea.

I remember being... How do you do 16 in the car with no brakes? Listen to me, dog. I remember they used to do a contest in Redondo Beach on Thursday nights and the king of the contest was Pablo Francisco. And when he was, I would look at the schedule when he was not in town.

I go down there on Thursdays with fucking enough money to get me down there in that car leave. It was 100 bucks It was 100 bucks 50 for second place Or pizza for third place Yeah

And in the first place Got free food No no no I just wanted to 100 Because I had to come back No you got both No I didn't even eat Oh man we always did Because we bring you

You ate plenty of time Because you fucking eat it at my house Then on Thursday morning Listen to me In those days When you put a hundred out of bill In my pocket Yeah

There was no time for food I shot to get the blow first Then we ate just to make sure the cocaine was there. Cocaine had to get it. If I just made $100, trust me, there's no food on my mind.

I could be a fucking, one of those Africans that skinny with his ribcage with flies all over him, and I'm still getting in my car and going to fucking poncho's house and get my grandma blow. Whatever's left over from the grandma blow,

we're putting 10 in the gas tank. We're getting five for cigarettes, and whatever's fucking, you know, that's the mentality. Now, hey, in your defense, I have to say every Coco, when they towed his house,

he was living in my place. They told the car. And they told his house. And so I got my car towed so I can go in and get it, okay? And when I went in there, I got all his clothes and everything. And by the way,

I checked the glove box and it was like opening up one of them can of fucking snakes on springs. You know what I'm talking about? All them tickets fell out, motherfucker. It was like an encyclopedia

fell the fucking. out. I mean, a whole I mean, it was just like, it kept on coming. Like, it was like, you clear a bunch out and it was still fucking a shit ton in there. So it was like one a day for like three months? Dude, three or four a day. Because the car

got towed. Three or four a day. The car got towed probably November. And I started with that car in July or in fucking June. And they started ticketing me to mid July. And then I lived by Sammy Medina. What's his name? Joy Medina. I'm buying. Yeah. Oh, bro, you have no fucking

idea. I lived over there where Ralphie first lived. Yeah. Ralphie moved out and then Joey needed a roommate and I went over fucking that. You should have bought a new license plate or something. Of Clinton. Dog, there was no money for a light. Do you not listen? You're getting $15 a spot. You're getting 40 at fucking

Felipe's room. Rosemead, fucking Elhambra, West Covina. You bought clothes on the road. Corona. You bought clothes on the fucking road, Lee. You took a bus. They used to drive me to take a bus to That was the Joe Diaz Express. To Joe Diaz expressed Monday nights to be in El Paso.

Tuesday morning at one in the afternoon. Do you understand me what commitment is for $550? Yeah. For fucking one, two, two, three, four, five, six fucking shows in those days. You pay your 75 a fucking set. If you bought a Southwest flight, that was half your fucking salary. Yeah, there it goes. So for you to snort Coke and go to Taco Cabana and party, you had to take the

fucking bus. so he used to book me for two weeks and I'd still come home and fucking broke. Fucking crazy. It's sickening what we did in the name of comedy. And party. I'm not going to lie to you. But the whole time I was serious about it.

That's why I could have partied at the store. I was still serious about it. I just had the party element to me. And in those days, O'Passo, they were giving away Coke. Yeah, man. I would get offered Coke like six, seven times a night in El Paso.

And I never took it. I never wanted to get a taste for it because I afraid I was going to love it too much. And that kills fat people. Let me just tell you. Let me just tell you how weird the road is. So I'm in O'Paso, and it's my birthday. I'm in O'Passo, and it's my birthday, and it's a Monday. We just did the week, and I'm staying for another week.

And I got a call on Saturday night from Ralph Humane, Jody Furting. This is 1998. I get a call from Ralphie Mae and Jody Frida. They're coming down. They're going back to L.A., but they're coming down to hang out on Sunday with me for my birthday. So it was me and Noi Gonzalez opening up for Carlos Menciar. And that was like a good money week for me because you stayed on Sunday. And you did three shows on Saturday and opened up for Carlos.

This is 98. What's his name really like me, the owner? Yeah, Bart Reid. Bart Reid. So he would try to put me with the big. bigger names. And he kept telling me, I'm going to have you open up for calls.

I'm like, Carl's not going to go for it. He don't like me. Well, there's one time Carlos said, yeah, but I had to work with Noe. And I love Noe from the store. I love Noe.

So it was perfect. I'll see Noe in forever, bro. So it was my birthday on a Sunday. It was Ralphie's on Friday. Yeah. And we were going, they were going to come down Sunday night.

Oh, yeah. And Jody got into a fight with Carlos. Yes. There you go. Oh, man. She called him out on shit, bro. She called him. He called him out on her shit.

I'll give it to. They were playing Nintendo in our room. Yeah. Why is Carlos, who's got a five-star hotel across town and our fucking comedy condo playing fucking Nintendo with Noe? Yeah, nobody's smoking. And Joey is drinking. You're on the floor.

I'm in the room. I'm on the couch. I gave the bed to Jody. There was two bedrooms. And this is the old comedy condo? Yeah. Not the one. Yes, the one by the supermarket.

Yes, sir. And her and Carlos got into it. But the next morning we woke up... That was the fucking greatest. The next morning we woke up, we didn't have much money. I think we went to Arby's? No, we went to a Mexican place and they make these fucking fried tacos that they're doing in El Paso. I thought we went to Arby's that time.

Because I met you guys by Arby's. Yeah. I walked down the hill and met you by Arby's. Yeah, because we couldn't find the place. Right. You brought your car and Jody brought her car. Yep. You guys were coming back to move here or something like that.

Okay. So we go, what are we going to do? Well, let's go to the fucking movies. And payback was in the movie theater Man, and Lucy Lou had us all boned up We were all horny looking at Lucy Lou Karate Choppin'nobin'nobin'nobin'n'n I love that shit This is 1998.

It's 2015 guys Just to show you guys the comedy journey Of broke comics We're on the movie theater And it's got to be maybe 16 people in the movie theater It's a 1 o'clock matinee on a Monday Yeah And whatever the fuck we ate

I rip a fartly Lee and it went And then it just paused and it went And Lee Everybody looked at Ralphie Right I mean everybody looked at Ralphie By the way

It was like shooting shooting Oh my god Explosions explosions And it stopped Boom dead fucking silence It was the greatest fart timing Of all time Oh my God Lee

Okay Everybody's looking at me Okay And then Coco goes God damn it Ralphie May Jesus Christ Christ. Jesus

Christ. What the fucking Christ throughout me? He's yelling it. Everybody's looking at me. He's going, I didn't fuck. And we're fucking howling. I'm howling inside because where's Tony Bennett?

That guy's like it. So funny. And then we went to the movies in Universal City when I threw the M&M up in the hit that ball guy's head. We threw peanut M&M's at this motherfucker because his head looked like a peanut M&M. All oblong.

All right, and we just see the movie. And every now that you see, just that big ass him and him, fly the fuck up in the air. Bounce that. Okay, bounced off the light, all right? And he was, like, looking back, like, who done it? Oh, my God. And we were leaving there, and his head had candy, okay, had candy, like, like different colors. And he was bitching to the manager.

Hell, somebody, this is this scound with these teenagers. So, fucking him and him's in him. Here's the whole story, guys. We're walking out. We forgot all about that. We threw a peanut in this motherfucker. All I know is, Lee, the peanut,

the peanut bounced off his head, like three feet. He looked up. How many times do you smoke an M&Ms at him? Oh, like 15. Oh, man. It was a whole package. Until they would give two M&Ms.

It was a promotion, so it was two of those bags of M&Ms. And even though we were high, we're fat fucks, and we're like, we don't need an old buck and hold another bag of M&Ms. Because I just want to throw on.

And Coco goes, yeah, give me those. Give me those fucking M&M. And I'm whipping them at this guy. Whipping them during the shit parts of the movie. How old are you at this point? This is 10 years ago. This is 10 years ago. I'm 33.

Yeah, I'm 40. I'm 39. Who gives a fuck, right? I'm just high having a great time, man. But here's the whole thing. We hit him with the thing. Because his head looked like an emin every. He's looking around now.

He's looking around. He's the weirdest fucking looking head, man. We had a beat him because the light was shining off his head Now we hit him and that's it We move on with our lives We're watching the movie We're hired to fuck

Two hours later We're walking out of this movie We're like nothing happened We forgot all about the peanut incident And the guy's got the beat on his head And he's giving the earbeat Imagine How these guys hit me with

And we're fucking howling I'm howling I'm fucking howling right there in the guy's face. He had to know it was us. I hit him with a fucking peanut. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We were fucking crying.

Crying. That's funny. Lee, what the fuck? Didn't you ever hit nobody with a peanut? Yeah, but not. No, you know. I mean, it's hysterical, but I just, I can't imagine you two. Just like whipping peanut M&M is at this news.

Oh, yeah, man. We hit him good, too. He was like, oh, and we were having a contest. Like, how far could we bounce the fucking M&M and him? Off his head. Off his head. And it would hit him and bounce off his head straight up like three or four feet. That's what fucking kills you later.

And you can see the peanut flying in the light from the fucking theater. It was beautifully. It was so funny. Let me ask you something. Hey, man. Okay, I got to tell you, how about the time that annoying fucking asshole was at the comedy store, telling us he was a Fox TV guy, all right? And he's a producer, okay?

All right, and we just got fucking sick of this asshole. Always critiquing us, never calling us in for this. And you're like, Ralphie, look at this. All right. And you put like a thousand fucking snots on this asshole's jacket. A thousand snots. Okay. And I'm laughing going, I bet those snots are worth $85 if we grind them up.

Leave for about years, I would put snots on people. It started with this teacher in high school, Mr. Zink. and I hung out with his daughter, Susie Zinks. She was a fucking great friend of mine. Yeah, go good old Susie. But this guy had a suit, and I would tap him on the shoulder. I would pick a snout and tap him on the shoulder. Mr. Zink, what's happening?

And you would see the snots. He'd wear the same jacket every day. So that's the first guy on the bar that with snots. And then when I was in Colorado, the funniest thing, one of the funniest things I ever seen, I always wanted this guy to call him to the podcast. This is a guy that I didn't do comedy, but he became my friend along the way. He was a brother of a friend of mine in Colorado. One morning, I did a quailute.

It was the night before Thanksgiving. Man, what were those like, Coco? Oh, my God. It was the night before Thanksgiving. This is what happened. I had moved to Aspen in April of 83. And by fucking September, I was lonely, guys. You know, I'm a fucking 18-year-old kid, 19-year-old kid in fucking Colorado.

I just came from New York robbing shit. I just robbed a jewelry store. I was building a reputation and shit. By the way, was that when George was the getaway driver, but he didn't know? No, no, no, no. Oh, that was when Timmy. And he listens to the... No, no, Timmy knew.

George was the getaway driver for the gas station. Yeah, and he didn't even know he was. He was all hair-on-out. I love it. What are we talking about? I'm sorry, Aspen, Colorado. No, we were talking about. You were homesick?

I was really fucking homesick. And there was a guy that had a little hotel across the street from, at this place, it was called the In-N-Out Sandwich Shot. And that's the first place, Ralph and May. I ever tasted like turkey with avocado and French dressing, like the red one, Russian dressing. Oh, my God, all healthy. In fact, the guy comes to my shows in Buffalo.

We reconnected in 1983. But across the street was a chateau, and in front of it was a hitching post that you could sit there in Aspen, Colorado, downtown, and people would pull over if you were going down valley. This meant down valley. This meant a short way. This could be like Snowmass Village. And they pull over and go, where are you going, Woody Creek?

I'm going to Snowmass Village. Hopping, and you can take the bus down on Woody Creek. That's 83. So I went up and then I became friends. And the guy that owned the hotel, he was from Jersey. But he was friends at the time with a Philadelphia Eagle that lived next door to me. Like, what a small world. I moved from fucking Jersey to Besault.

And the guy next to me is like an eagle from 68. Wow. And he was still big. He looked like Christopher. I don't remember. what his fucking name was. And him and his wife were good friends with my buddies from Jersey, so I became friends with them.

So all of a sudden, I'm in Aspen one day in front of the hitching post, and I become friends with the guy that owns the hotel. And one day I'm in front of the hotel, and the fucking football player pulls up and gives me a ride, and we all start talking. He goes, you know Joey, yeah, I know him. So the next time I see this guy, he goes, come into my house. And we start talking, he goes, taste his blow.

So he gives me some fucking blow, and now we become friends. Every time I go in there, I go in, get a place. package from him. Then one day he kept telling me, I got heroin. He had all those designer pills in the 80s. I mean, this guy was the guy. He had a hotel. And one night, he goes, you know, I got quailards. I was like, what do you want for them? At the time, I was paying four and asked me, they were 10. And they were six for 50. So I said, give me fucking six of them. What a mistake that was. And I went to my own apartment. They were having a party where I

lived. My roommate was having a party where I fucking lived. And I went over there. And I went over there was a cake, there was vodka, and I popped one of those gorilla biscuits. And next thing you know, I woke up the next morning, I kept hearing an accent. A North Carolina accent. I'm saying, man, I'm telling you,

Ohio State ain't shit. The Tahoehills is the only way to go. You're all a bunch of motherfucking pussies, and I get up to see who's yelling in my living with this kid from North Carolina. A white dude tall, just a redneck, Opie Taylor looking, freckles and shit, and I started to sit down with him and argue with him a little bit. We always became fucking gumbas.

I don't know what the point of the story is why I'm telling you about Carl Hall. No, I want to hear about Kualudes, man. I wanted him to call in. Oh, yeah, what happened with the, about five, six quailoos? I ate one of those fucking gorilla biscuits. Do you wake up in North Carolina? No, I woke up in Aspiram. It's no mass village in my living room.

Oh, okay. Man, was it a good ride, those things? He doesn't know. I mean, would you do? No, fuck yeah, I know. Oh, my God. Quailudes hit, quailudes were huge in the cocaine, when cocaine merged with Studio 54. Right, the line and the lude, right?

It was the quailude, the Tuminawn, and something else. There was something else in those days. But the quailute was the Rora and the lemon, but they were both 714s. I still remember distinct memory of being on the corner of 43rd Street in front of my front, Dede Cantero's house, and this guy, Richie Scravani pulling up and looking at me and going, what are you doing? I'm like, nothing. I was 16. And he goes, you want to go Lute?

And that meant, do you want to do a Lude? And me and D, D-D got in the car with him, fucking ate a Lude. It was tremendous. In those days, you ate a lute and drank one cocktail. And you got fucked up. Like, you didn't puke. You just lost your body, Gumbi. You, you know, you loved everybody.

You loved everybody. You know what I'm saying? Everybody was your Gumba. They hugged you drinks. You ever get Cosby? No, no. And then you took them with the blow. Oh, okay.

To calm you down. The mindset was that they calm you down. But the more blow you did, the more those gorilla biscuits you ate. I told the joke on stage at the Commerce Store. It didn't work, but it really did happen to a friend of mine. He left the house with 100 Quailu's on a bicycle, and he came back with the handlebar and stitches and not a dime. Because once you built a tolerance to him,

it was a tolerance like anything else. Lee built a tolerance of T. See, 20 milligrams isn't really killing him tonight. Right now, he's usually dead, but eventually he built a ton. Plus all the wee we smoked, but it's... You build a tolerance. And the hash, because it's hash Monday. But it also had...

You had two effects in those days, and this is the truth. You had... I personally never knew anybody who dosed a chick like Cosby was doing. I get to give you my word. It's crazy. But I had a girlfriend that I take them with her. Yeah. I take half and we drink Harvey's Bristol cream and do a couple lines.

And the sex would be out of this world, I guess. You know, I guess I've always been bad in bed, so who the fucking knows? But unless I just, like, heard the story, didn't the Cosby girl say, like, they passed out? So it doesn't sound like quay-un unless he gave them, like, a... Listen, if I give a 140-pound girl, a fucking quail-lud, the ones I was getting in those days. Yeah. When I became 18, I was getting some Quailoos up on 68th Street from this chick. That was a punk rock chick.

Everybody else had brown hair, and this bitch had purple hair, and she was chubby. And let me just break it down to you this way, guys. Her brother, you can look him up on Wikipedia. He's the real motherfucking deal. And he was older than I was, but he was a tremendous basketball player. And when we were kids, we used to talk on the phone. I had no idea about his family's affiliation. but here it is plain and simple.

The quailudes I got from her were the best things I ever, ever ate in my life. And the word on the street, listen, everybody lies about drugs. It's like the doctors, okay? Dr. Ralphie, how's your knee?

Fine, Coco, I didn't know if I tell you, I got the best surgeon. Everybody got the best surgeon. This guy worked on Caldronston. This guy does the front line. This guy operated Jesus when he came back. You know, everybody's got the best fucking surgeon. Everybody's got the best dentist.

And, you know, I asked Jim Kellan, the wig. Jim, you know what he? He sent me to a dentist that it cost you 300 just to walk into the office in Beverly Hills because he does the chick in my. I've got my dentist is in Nashville, and he's helped a bunch of comedians, brothers of mine go in there and get their dental work. And he is fucking the best. He's a black dentist.

We call him the unicorn, because I ain't never fucking met a black dentist before him. But he's a bad motherfucker. Every chicken there is a fucking dime, all right? His wife looks like Michelle Obama, all right? I mean, she's fine, too. All right? He drives old hot rods. He's a bad motherfucker, all right?

What's the guy going to do with Quaywoods? Hey, I'll hook you up. You said about Dennis. I actually got a guy. When you go to Tennessee. But my point is everybody always says. He won't go to Hollywood for a dentist. You know you go to Tennessee for a dentist?

I'm scared. I go down the corner from my house, the little Iranian guy. Oh, good for you. The Arabian guy. That motherfucker beats insurance every time. This guy comes to me and he goes, I could get you this, this, this next. You know, I see him next time. He goes, I got your fucking rebate.

Don't worry about the fucking 200. That's what they do. They work the system. Yeah, right. The way you're supposed to. Yeah. But so this girl for years kept telling me these things are pharmaceuticals. I would go to a high meal like at 7 o'clock on Friday and get it.

And everybody else wanted four. In the mid-80s, in 81 and 82, this bitch wanted six. But, I mean, they came in a rapper jack, like sealed. And she'd tell you, they were pharmaceuticals. And those things, if you look at my eyes, I have veins that busted. There from those things. Wow. I know for a fact.

I remember that the first time I ate one of her bills, I still remember uniquely that night. I stayed on 46th Street Hill, and it was the dead of the winter. And in those days, we barely had. You know, we'd buy a nickel bag of weed. We'd buy a bottle of poop-paw vodka or Wolfschmidt, silver. Ain't another old poop-off. I've gotten fucked up on that.

We'd get a mixer, gay and raider orange juice. And in those days, we didn't have enough of blow. So the kid I hung out with his brother was a slinger. So we'd stay at his house. Our goal was to stay up until 2.2.30 because when callers would come home, he'd give us each little line. We were 15. D.D. was maybe 13. Wow.

And Carlos would give us a little line and go, get the fuck out of my room. I got a girl coming home. And that was it. We'd do a quay loop. But one Friday in particular, me and this kid ate one of those pills and went back to his house, and we put on Led Zeppelin 3, particularly Gallo's Pole. We listened to Gallo's Pole a thousand fucking times. Put on Gallo's Pole League.

Such a strong song. Gallo's Pole? Led Zeppelin 3. We put that song on. Ralphie a thousand times and we sat in his brother's room with the lights dim and we just drank, smoked dope, and listened to this fucking song over and over and over. I remember the brother coming, giving me a line of coke. In those days, my mother had just died. I was living with the Benders.

And I'd walk over to the Benders fucking jazzed up at four in the morning. What are they going to say to me? It weren't my parents. I was just living there. all night I listened to this song way looted up the next one I woke up I had fucking

my eyes were bloodshot and there's veins that stayed purple like they just stayed like that and that was the end of that's the story of the fucking vein in my eye I got like shit at this time tomorrow in 12 hours I'll be fainting

oh really I got a physical and the finger up the ass tomorrow the chest x-ray and everything. I've got to clean my ears. What's going to make you faint? The finger? The blood.

I'm charging the iPod right now. The last couple times, let me see. For the heart thing, I went into complications. I always go into combo. Whatever, I have complications. They stuck the, when they stuck this for the fucking thing with my heart, the ink, I got a little, they didn't know what was going on. Then I just breathed through my nose and I'm fine.

When I did it for the, the camera in my asshole, and they put the intravenous in, that time they had to turn the air conditioning. I was sweating fucking profusely in there. Tomorrow, if they put me in the room with no windows, I have a hard time. But if they put me in the room with window, if I could see light, what I do is I go in there first and I set up the fucking cut how I like it. Well, I like the pillow. I swear to God, I run that fucking Bob Hope Medical Center. Dr. Waxler is my fucking main man.

So he's not even in the room yet. When he comes, he goes, what do you want to do first? They throw a fucking a sheet on you. You got to take your underwear off tomorrow. It's a fucking nightmare tomorrow. And he'll look at my ears. He'll look at my nose. I've got to trim my nose hairs today.

He'll look under my armpits. He'll fill me for fucking lumps. Whatever the fuck he does. He'll make me show him my dick. And he'll fucking grab my balls and make me cough. And then he's talking to me. He'll go, let me check your lungs with the, you know, breathe for me. And while he's breathing, he'll go, all right,

over. And while he's making me breathe, he'll go take a deep bread, and all of a sudden I'll feel a cold finger with lube going into my ass, and you can hear him fishing in there, like looking for a watch. And all of a sudden, he's like, you're okay? And after that, there's not

much you could say. Yeah, right? Are you okay? It's going to be a fucking minute. Am I okay? You just fucking destroyed my hopes at 9.15 in the fucking morning. Now I've got to go down the hill and let this bitch take blood out of me, which is now even more to find. Now I've got to breathe

and sit down, but who's going to sit down? I just had a finger up my ass. I can't even fucking sit down. It's so embarrassing. So now they take me into another fucking room after that. So I did two tests, right? So now they take blood out. So now what I do is I go in there first. They usually want to put me in the dungeon next to chest x-rays.

But there's no windows in there. It's one of those school fucking chairs. Last time I did that was in prison. I didn't like it. I go on the back and there's a fucking cot, and I fucking fix it the right way. There's a little bit light and shit. There's a sink in there.

It's an examination room, but it's right adjacent to them. And I get on that motherfucker correctly, and I put my iPod on, dog, and I don't hear nothing. And I leave my arm out, and I just look the other way. And I just leave it there. And then she comes in, and I'll tell her, listen, use the kidney

along me, and spray the liquor, cocaine on my arm, and she'll say, no problem. And then she'll come over, and she'll go, you're going to be fine, and I'll just start breathing out of my nose, and I'll put Santana, Oyako Mova. And I just keep...

That's it. That's it. And she'll lift up my arm. And dog, if she does the tape, and I'm okay, I gotta get up slow. I'll stop and get a can of Diet Coke

to give me a little pepies. And my step after that because the Coke is too sweet. That'll fucking give me diabetes right off the chart. And then I walk down the hole and they do a chest x-ray. And once I'm done, I put my clothes and I get the fuck out of it.

And then I go around the corner of the Mimis and I get two eggs. And I get some toast because I deserve that. nourishment. I haven't eaten. I can't eat after midnight tonight. So what are you going to have when to get home? I'm protein shake with no sugar in it because I don't want to raise my sugar levels. I can't even put a fucking banana in there on fruit. But why don't you, you'll be home before midnight?

Yeah, it doesn't matter. I could eat before midnight, but I don't want to put like anything in my, like if I eat a milk shake tonight, my sugar level's going to be high. But he's going to make me come in there in two weeks because he thinks I got fucking diabetes. And I got to go and then do the whole fucking test over because I want to go hang out with you at North Hollywood dining and have a vanilla milk shake cut up. which I would kill for right now. But my point is I just don't want to do one time. That sounds strong.

I didn't fucking think about it. I haven't had a fucking milkshake. I'm a bad fat guy. I wanted my trunk to get something. Right before I went to the doctor, I go, hold on one second. I went into my trunk. This is about a year ago. You know how much I hate needles. I wanted my fucking trunk.

My wife comes down there with me. I get out of Bob Hope, and she goes, did you find that thing? I go, hold on the left in the trunk. And I open the trunk. And I go, oh, my God, that pot cookies is in here. And you know me. No, no, no, no. Please don't.

Lee, you know how much of a fucking Mo Mo I am without even thinking. I can't have a milkshake. Listen to me, Lee. This is at 8 in the fucking morning. Without realizing it, I take the cookie, open it up, and take a bite out of the fucking pot cookie. And I go inside and I sit down and I go, that fucking cookie is going to raise my blood, my sugar level in my blood. And sure enough, Joey Diaz, Jose, I go to the fucking thing. They take my blood two days later.

Who's on the fucking phone, Dr. Waxler? Listen, you got diabetes. No, I don't. I ate a fucking pop cookie before I went in and raised my fucking sugar level. He goes, well, you got to better come down here

and prove it to me. I had to go back down there again, give him blood again, and then he was like, you're right. Don't eat a fucking cookie before you come see me. So that's why I'm just going to have a milkshake. They got no sugar

in this protein shake. I got no carbs. I won't put fruit in it. And I'll just go to bed. My hope is that I sleep till six or seven. That's my big. fucking dilemma here tonight.

I got to sleep till 7 so I don't think about it. If I get up at 5, I'm fucked because I got to eat. What's going through your head when like the taking blood and you pass out? Like what's going like what are you getting? What part of you make the nervous?

Lee, can I just kind of answer that? Because I don't know what's going through his head, but when it was, we were at UFC and I had to hold him the fuck up. Okay? I know. I know what the fuck was going through my head. Coco come back, all right?

And then he was all right, but he got lightheaded. Oh, my God. They wiped the kid's face. Oh. And the towel. I looked at the towel. Yeah. Oh, my God.

And I focused on the towel and had blood on it. Like, maybe two months, maybe four months before then, I was at home watching the UFC. And B.J. Penn fought Joe, whatever. And they were fighting. He busted his head. And that's the most blood I ever saw in my life. and I passed it on my couch. And then I go to a UFC, and I focus on the towel.

And I fucking lost it, Lee. Thank God Ralph was there. And there was a chick next to me with huge fake tits. He was a doctor. Oh, my gosh. She was amazing. And that's what fucking happened, brother. So, no, but, like, you said if you wake up early tomorrow,

you're going to, like, it's going to worry you. Like, what freaks you out? Just, first off, when I don't eat after an hour in the morning, I might go somewhere else. I need something. A bowl of fucking cereal. you know, I'm not going to eat something shitty, but I eat like an apple, something,

some water and an apple, just to wake up and not be able to eat for two hours, then go down there and do what I hate the most. Give blood and the finger up the ass, a double dilemma. And once they put the finger up your ass, it just jams up your electrodes. Trust me, wait until you turn 50, you're going to think about what I told you.

For people at home, they don't know what I'm saying. They're like, Joy, what are you talking about? It, like, jams you up for a minute, especially if that's not your world. If that's not your world, the first time that, I remember I was going on a testosterone doctor. And he goes, listen, I got bad news. My partner wants to see. I go, all right.

I didn't even fucking, like I took a shit that morning. I wiped my ass. But, you know, sometimes you take a shit and leave something in your little muffler. And I go to this doctor. It's like, come in the back. I got to check you out. You're not drawing blood. He goes, no, no, I just have to check you out.

He goes, turn around. And I remember him putting us two. And I could hear like the leftover that was in. that. I didn't even want to look at the glove. They'd take it out. This guy ripped me apart. He had his finger deep in there, and he was looking for shit. And I was like, oh. Did he find it? I don't know, Lee. I almost passed out.

I've had that twice. Oh, man. I've had that twice. That's not my world, people. So please, don't think I'm on. You never had a girl do that to you? No, what the hell's wrong with you? I'm a Catholic. We all find your line now. That's your line? It's not a girl, or it's not a, it's just something.

It just feels weird. It just feels fucking, it's the weirdest feeling I ever had. Like, it made me feel weird. And I'm prepared for it tomorrow. Listen, I get in my fucking car, get on the 101 when I come home and I move on. I just want to be able to do shit the rest of the day tomorrow. I don't like fainting in the morning. It kind of ruins my fucking day, you know?

I can see that, yeah. So let me ask you something, dog. All of a sudden out of nowhere special pops out on Netflix. that you taped in Vegas. When did you tape this with a fucking ad on like a magician? I taped it as part of a deal with a production company, and I recorded it at the South Point Casino and Spa. It's a fantastic place to go there.

And I put it out, and Netflix, they saw me in... I had it for free. I had it all done. that was part of a deal. I'd host one of their shows, and they would give me this. And I was like, sure, no problem. And we did, we had it fully done. And then Netflix goes, hey, they saw me at the Wild West Comedy Fest in Nashville.

And they gave me a big deal, and they go for two specials. And I go, I'll deliver both in November. and it was like a month and a half later and they're going no way and I go I guarantee fucking tea it and I gave them to by the 15th of December and they put the unruly

out first and then they did a soft on imperfectly yours because they thought it was a smaller venue but they liked the material so you know I'm just very fortunate Netflix is sponsoring my fall tour. I've got 80 theaters I'm doing across North America and

I'm coming to a place near you. When do you start the tour? Coco, we start in it's warming up now with a couple of club dates like I'm getting the new show down, okay, is what I'm working on right now. In San Jose

this week, it's kind of a mini theater and so it'll start giving me the feel like and then Utah I'm there. I'm warming up because I want a fucking a tough audience. And there's a lot of Mormons and Jack Mormons come out and I'm controversial and they don't like that shit. All right.

And then I want to work on my Mexican stuff in Phoenix. And then they all start all over the country. I think I've got Mondays off. And then there's like a week in October. I'll be back. You'll be back here. Yeah, man. Look at you.

Tip-top fucking Magoo out there letting these motherfuckers know. Yeah, man. I got to finance my fucking car. I'm buying a... I've bought the car, what I'm making. I'm redoing a 67 GTO convertible. All right.

And it's going to be a rocket ship, Coco. And that costs a lot of fucking money. You know what I mean? So it's like, I got to get my ass out there and tell some goddamn jokes. I got to do something, man. You're still out there, Ralphie. It's hard to believe

we were those same kids at that movie theater, fart, Oh, so funny. Giggling. It really is, Lee. It's a fucking weird thing. Well, we always had a hard. It's a weird thing, man.

I mean, how, like, we said it a thousand times before, but it must be crazy. Like, when you have friends, like you and Ma's and all you guys, and you're maybe one out of 20,

I guess, all of you? I mean, how could you not have fond memories? You know, Mike Fabeman called me today. How long have I've known? You know, many fucking laps we had in his back to us. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God. How many fucking, you know. That magic shoebox. And these comics are still here. Yeah. And some of them have disappeared. And you go on Facebook and you find them or they pop up on somebody's paid and you go, there you are.

And then back in Toledo, wherever the fuck they are. Right. This is a weird fucking journey, man. It really, what the fuck knows? You just get into something and it takes you to a different place. Who would have fucking know? I know, man. If I hadn't had lawn, I wouldn't have got last.

comic and then I'd be like everybody else. I'm barely getting by. That's all the difference is. That's the truth. You know, I mean, it's, it's, uh, that's why there's no pre-in-up with me and the Jew, okay, there's nothing, okay? It's, it's 50-50 all the way, you know, there's no getting out of it. There's no getting around it.

You know, she fucking earned it. Actually, she probably gets 60, 40 to me. Okay, without her, I would never have been able to do it. At least you know that going in. That's true. That's true. But when you're that honest with things and you give an honest appraisal to where your career is, it just baffles you that she's not further along.

She's great. You know more than anybody. I'm here because of my wife. Yeah, right. We're talking about the other day giggling. I'm here because of my wife. The one T, I won't throw away that TV. The first TV I bought with it, a 200-0 TV up, and after one of those gigs,

with 500 up at Oxnard or some shit. We stopped at a Walmart. The TV didn't fit in the fucking backseat, the neon. It's crazy. I won't get rid of it. I refuse to get rid of it. She's like, you gotta get rid of it. I ain't getting rid of that thing.

That thing still fucking plays. That thing was the backbone of the organizations. You know how many, you know how many episodes of Law & Order that thing played for us? While we're eating the fucking turkey sandwich with American cheese or something? Do you have any fucking idea? You just can't.

give something up like that, that symbolism to me. I remembered all those things, man. I never forgot them. I don't know why. And I bet I did forget a lot of those road memories. But man, that I luck out on the fucking road, just putting pieces together as a feature act, going up to Boston and working for fucking all those clubs,

$50 bucks, Knicks, and the Grill 57. I was taking buses everywhere. I would go online. Calloons. Cowloons. Fuck, yeah, man. Oh, my God. I was going up to Rhode Island, Toronto in those days, all on a bus league, all the way down to fucking D.C.

Joe D.S. Express. I go to Tyson's Corner, Bethesda. Then I'd shoot down to Myrtle Beach. And then I'd know Atlanta in those days. The punchline hated me. So I'd shoot down the fucking, the other club hated me in Jacksonville. The Hilton, whatever, with the all you could eat seafood. No, the Ramada.

end, dude. It's the Ramada Inn. And it's the comedy zone. And it's run by Mr. Friend. All right. And every time I go in there, they have a great fucking buffet on Friday. On Friday. It's a Friday night. It's fucking tremendous. Clams, oysters, everything.

And I remember he came in and said that we had to pay for that. And it's like and I've had fucking eight sold out shows in two days. Okay. And I'm like, hey, go fuck yourself. We're going to murder this goddamn place.

When they brought me the tab, I just said, give this to Fred. That was it. And I cracked him right there on the spot. Fred still has it? Still has it. Still rocking. I think it's one of the nicest fucking hotels in Ramada's chain.

They're fucking great. It's the Mandarin. Yeah, the Mandarin. Yeah, the Mandarin Inn. The Mandarin Inn. Yeah. And it is fucking tremendous. And they had a place around the corner.

After you did the Mandarin Inn, there was a bar where you went and did karaoke. Yeah. And got blow and got fucked up. Stanhope was the king of that fucking bar. Oh, king of that bar, man. King of that fucking bar. They still have his picture up with the long hair when he was a fucking baby. When he had hope for life.

All right. When he had a lust for life and wanted to do something, aspired degraded things. And then I would do one or two coconuts to keep me alive to give me change to get me all the way to Miami. Those coconuts were garbage. Oh, my God. I did Davey one time. Wayvy and Davey was the name. name of the club.

No, no, no. It was fucking wavy and Davey. I did it three times. And Davey was the club your boy armed. Dorfman. Dorffman. And he had the fat chick booking it. And I called headline, he had two of them.

He had West Palm. Yeah. And he had that one. Yeah, in the comedy corner. In 1990s, eight, I co-headlined it with Jim Florentina, a Wehawk in New Jersey. Yeah. And the comedy condo didn't have a fucking bathroom on the, a door on the bathroom. It was the worst comedy

condo. I had a stable like cousins. And they were living like animals, like 22 to a bedroom, snort and blow. It was tremendous. And then I finally got into the Miami Improv. And then that was... Joe Chadwick. Joe Chadwick. He's in Cleveland somewhere

selling his shoes. His wife finally died. They got like... Oh, man. They got like $3 million. They got that thing, Phenphan. They sued FinFent. And got like $3 million. and went through it in two weeks. And then she died, and it's weird.

This comedy stuff is weird when you get into, like, the people that are still around and who's moved on. Right? Like, whatever happened to Mark Babbitt. He's hoteling it. He's hoteling her. Let me give him some shout-outs. I'm going to do the sponsors.

All right, man. Loving you. All right, my main man, Major Slander, Sean Tath, Danielle Ghent, Omar Habooby. I'm not going to get through the book yet. Don Wrangler. Joey V. DeStefano, Mark Ciceroon, Callie George, sarcastic best, and Moonspoor, 85. I love you, cocksuckers, alright?

What's up with you, dog? What are you sitting there all hypnotized for like Biggie? 95. Did you know he shot some dude with AIDS blood? Who? What? Fucking, not Biggie. Fucking, what's his name?

Who's the guy that got went over? My whatever shirt. What the movie? Who just? Cat Williams' manager. What's his name? Shug Knight. Shug Night.

And he shot some dude with the AIDS blood. Where'd you hear this? The, Paul was talking about the movie. It's like that rapper or something. Easy. Yeah. Like one of the conspiracy theories is that Shug Nite did it. I don't know.

You know what ever heard about it? I just heard that for the first time. Yeah, you're blowing my mind. You didn't go see, you didn't go see straight out of content? Not yet. Good reviews. I think we're gonna go tomorrow. What time you go?

I have no idea. You're taking Paul? Yeah. Tomorrow night? Yeah, probably after kettle of those. Look at you. You're a fucking Latin love and shit. Yeah.

What have you heard so far? It's good. People say it's good. Did she see it, Paul? No, not yet. But I'll see it. I saw dope. That was good.

Have you seen that yet? No, it was really good. What is about? It was about this, like, this like nerdy, black kid in English. Wood and I was I'm really high so I don't remember the rest of it but it was good it was kind of around the same

like he was like nerdy I don't know what he was doing oh yeah he he got a bag from a drug dealer and they wanted to get him that's a great story yeah that's really this is what happens why you gotta bother me with this shit for I don't know and I don't know he gave me a good conversation

you give me a good fucking I asked you about straight I asked you by I asked you by straight out of Compton not fucking I haven't seen it All you got to say is I haven't seen it. But then you're like, I don't know about Stranat-Comp, but I know about the movie dope. I saw that.

It's about a kid who bought a bag of dope and moved on. Well, if everybody buys a bag of dope, Lee, that's all you got for me. You watch the whole fucking movie to tell me that's all your highest fuck. You're so fucking crazy. I'm crazy. All I ask you, you see Straighted of that Compton,

did your wife see it? No, not yet. So how does she know about the blood scene? Oh, no, no, no. She was just reading stuff about that. It's not in the movie. So what is she fucking reading for? I don't know.

People like to read stories. So she read before she went to the movies. Yeah, sure. Oh, my God. Yeah, you got to talk to her. You got to set it down. It's not about the movie. It's about them.

Who gives her fuck? She's doing research on the fucking thing. She's an attorney. She hasn't read enough? You haven't read enough? You haven't read enough? You're going to read for the next 20 years. You want to read with some fucking movies about it.

They made the movie. You want to read it. the book because you want to go to Starbucks and tell you your friend two kids a fuck go see the movie and take a shortcut like the rest of America want to smoke some more hash sure why not this fucking hash is tremendous tonight ladies and gentlemen look at that show where did you get that from cucko that shit is the one-eyed jude dog we're gonna put it on it I was on Tonya we need a glass we got that cup it's dirty as fuck they drink wine oh oh oh that's crazy a glass I forgot to bring on I was gonna put it

of this needle and we'll hit that motherfucker and then push the glasses take the smoke pure. I wish we had some rafer. We put it on top of some rave for making a Cuban sandwich. Nah, you want me to tell you something? I was doing that for a couple weeks. This hash is too good. You could smoke this hash on a little pipe

and get fucked up. Take a couple hits, it expands in your lungs. Nice. Like Lee likes. Lee likes only expands in his fucking lungs. I did, I had dabs explained to me and apparently the butteen isn't bad. Like he was saying it's just, it gets cooked off So there's nothing in it.

Yeah, it burns so high. So, but yeah, I actually like them in Toronto. It was pretty cool. I just think that shit's dangerous. Yeah, I can't have it. I would burn my house down. Dude, that's what I'm afraid of. People are going to burn their fucking houses down doing that shit, man.

Well, no, but the guy, the guy who was there had one that was battery operated, that was apparently even stronger. So there's ways to do it, but that's just too much work for me. Yeah, man. I mean, you got to have a torch. I mean, fuck it. If I pass out on a hit, the lighter goes out. You know what I mean?

It's like, what the fuck? I got to clean up bond water. That's it. You know, that's the only problem. And it's like, this shit's dangerous. You got a fucking torch. It's just so crazy how history repeats itself. In 1982, I was, I just graduated.

Some kid picked me up. Steve Vatelanis. And he's like, I hear you selling Coke. I got this pimp who wants to bite Coke. He buys Coke all day for his. a true story, he bites Coke all day for his hook. He's, okay, pick us up, Steve Valance. He picks us up. Me,

Roger, and we drive down there, and that's the guy who kept saying every time he made a turn, he'd go, that was tremendous. That was tremendous. That right turn was tremendous. His cocaine was tremendous. The

view is tremendous. This pimp is tremendous. Everything was a pretty nice pimp. Everything was fucking tremendous. He was a good. He was a good thing. He was a Goofy fuck. Bottom bitch. Tremendous Jackson.

We get to the fucking hotel room. He's staying off, a tunnel to the avenue off to 1-9 there. I'm 18. We go into this guy's the pimps, and he's got these hookers, and he's like, listen, I want the best Coke available

because I cook it up. So I go test this. He tested it. He goes, oh, that shit's like 80%, whatever. I buy what you got, he bought. He goes, you want to take a hit of the shit? I took a hit of it.

Was I impressed, guys? It took me eight months to get high on coke. That's how much of a fiend I was. For eight months, I thought people were lying to me. I thought people were putting me on. I would do coke and nothing would happen to me. And everybody else would be fucking, this is great.

And I'd be sitting there going, oh, Jesus, these fucking saps are paying $50 just to tell people that are getting high. But then I did something. I had a drink one night. And once I had the alcohol on my system, the cope hit me. And I was like, oh, I get it now. I got to drink a little vodka. I gotta get this fucking cocaine flowing. I don't remember where that story started.

Me neither. Who gives the fuck? I love it. That's the best thing about it. I don't even know what to... Why you gotta laugh like that for? It sounds like... Look at the shape of this poor bastard.

What's your wife making a turkey sandwich? I don't know. Oh, there's no fucking turkey alive. Oh, my God. If I want a turkey sandwich, I marry a chick named Mary. I'm married a chick. I don't keep carnious out at my house. Well, tell her fucking.

over the rouse and get you a nice little fucking pig leg and cook that motherfucker up with some garlic so when the master gets home are you not the master or what what the fuck you don't put a cape on and tell her you're the master disaster walk around with your dick out and tell her I don't give a fuck if you're the attorney I'm the law you know what I'm saying I don't you got to represent yourself out of sucking this meal I'm married to juberon I don't say that shit I like all my stuff player I can't That's what you're going to be in trouble. Lee, you're so fun to hang out with.

I'm proud of Lee for going to Toronto and taking a chance. Good for you. You know, man, you and I have discussed heart for years, and it bothers you more than it bothers me. People that complain, but at the end, take me on the road. How many times you go out for spots this week? Right. But they just went specifically to the comedy club that night.

to talk to you. Right. To you how bad their life was for you to take them on the fucking row with them. But in the meantime, they don't want to do nothing. They don't want to fucking tape a five minutes out of the pizza place. They don't want to do a podcast. They don't want to do this room because the owner's an asshole. And they don't want to do it for 50 bucks.

You're fucking dying on a vine. When you're dying on a vine, you do whatever they put in front of you because you know your talent is the only one that's going to gain. When I lived in Seattle, that one woman, Laura Crocker, God fucking bless her soul in hell. fucking didn't like me. But she had 30 rooms.

She was Josh Wolfe's manager. Yeah. She had 30 fucking rooms, guys. And good rooms. So I would just call up and go, do you mind if I do a guest in your room? What's she going to say? She'd go, yeah.

And I go down there, do a guest, and blow up the room. And the owner would go, why don't you work this room? I tell them, Laura, don't like me. And for months, I did this. And people go, why are you such an asshole? You're doing this for free. You should at least be getting $50.

And I go, you don't understand. stand. This is what I do. I'm going to get into an argument with a $50. I'll go to another spot after this and now I got two spots for the night. Which is the goal of this? That's the goal when you're first starting out to get two or three spots tonight. Then you can really judge your

fucking material and see what the fuck's going on. You learn that much quicker, you know? That's what you have to do. That's what you have to fucking do. So. There's no getting around there. There's no fucking shortcut to the fucking top of the mountain. You can put out as many goddamn vines as you want. You can

fucking tweet all day long and have the fucking night and guess what you still have to fucking get behind the microphone in front of live motherfuckers and fucking have new jokes. So many young comics they write their first five minutes

and then they that they've never done before and then they never do that again for another six, seven, eight years do they start going up with jokes that they've never done before? Here's five new minutes. And it's like they don't

have balls. They get afraid they're going to lose something. They're not going to be funny if they don't. It's fucking bullshit. You know, I mean, these guys, you know that kid, Matt Rife? He's like 19. He's on that show Wilden Out now, and he's a good comic. Okay, he's not fucking great,

but he is good. All right? I met that kid when he was 16 in fucking Ohio. He was hitting me up six, seven times. a day on Twitter, Facebook, everything, asking for a fucking guest spot

on my fucking theater show. And I'm like, I don't know about this. And then the motherfucker showed up at my bus at fucking 8 in the morning with breakfast. His mom brought fucking lemonade. I'm like, fuck yeah. Kid, you're going up. This is

fucking hard. This is some kid that wants to perform. I put him up and he rocked the motherfucker. Blew it up. and now he's doing TV. But it's that heart, that initial fucking nothing can stop me from making my goals happen.

Okay? That is something that all these fucking of this bullshit young comics, they're just waiting for stuff to come to then. It's not even young comics. I saw a lot of old comics. Oh my God, a lot of them. Oh my God.

That have popped back up and they're like, listen, can you do this? And you sit there and go, where have you been for eight years? Right. You just stopped. You gave up. You didn't keep going up three times a week.

I understand you had to get a day job. But you didn't maintain this art. This is what you did for eight years. You had a big investment in this. Think about if you would have put another eight years into it. Where you would have been right now? Where you would have fucking been right now? Why do you think I buggy about the jihitsu league?

Do you think I'm buggy because I like bugging you? Because John Bud said you're great. You move great. He goes, all he needs to lose is 40 pounds. He goes, if Lee keeps coming once a week, he's going to lose that 40. pounds. And I know that in a year you're going to look at me and go, you know what? I'm happy.

I got friends now over there. They call me up. They invite me to fucking parties. I'm not the fucking odd man out. Because people gain respect for you in a way. You know, you keep fucking going over there. It doesn't matter. The same thing applies to comedy or editing or any of those fucking things

that if you wouldn't have stopped doing it, at this time, you would have been in five more years. Right. So at this point, you would have been doing comedy 10 years. But You came out here, went to Montreal, got a deal. The deal didn't work out, and you caved. A lot of people did that.

A lot of people fucking did that. That's 50% of the game. Once they tell them all you need is three minutes, five minutes, go to Montreal. When I first got here with Ralphie Mae, guys, they were giving out major league deals. You know what it is to sit with somebody leave, that you and him were broke, and now the word on the street was he had $250,000 for a network dealing. and yeah, they give you particles. Bro.

But they still give you a 75 fucking up front. And you're still fucking eating fucking cheese grills, whatever. Yeah. Grilled cheese. I'm sorry, cheese grill. I got this next to you. You know, it's just a, and you feel bad. How about the story of fucking chicken, all right?

This kid goes up in Montreal, blows the fucking place apart. He gets $750K. Okay. All right, and his management, three yards, say he had a bunch of more shows, and they're like, fucking get out of here. All right? And they flew him back on a private jet to L.A. and said, you can't do any spots because they wanted the deal fucking made official. Because they were afraid the motherfucker was a hologram, which he was.

It was the fucking, it was crazy. Google it. All right? Fucking show up chicken, all right? And then the guy, like three or four years later, commits suicide. But he had no reason. That guy was hiring him to do movies. I know.

So what? The stand-up got him to where he wanted. Exactly. But he stopped. You know. That was the last big deal, I think, Montreal gave out. But now he did Black Hawk Down. Yeah.

He did. He was great. He did a couple fucking movies with that director. He got plenty of states time in Black Hawk Down. I don't know what he was depressed about. I don't know what he was depressed about. What was he depressed? Now, he wasn't the only one.

There was a bunch of comics. Not that they killed themselves, but that they... They kind of did. They left. I still remember a kid that looked just like Christopher fucking Reed. That came from fucking Somerville. Good looking as fuck.

Six foot one. I mean, leading man material buff. Not real buff, but that model body. Guy was getting laughs at the improv. The laugh factory was going to laugh. And then they set up a showcase for him one night. In the main room at the comedy store, and Dice decided to bump the guy in front of him.

So Dice went up and ripped that room apart. And this poor kid went up there and died the death of many debts. And I still remember his management walking out first. And that kid wasn't a Tonight Show and shit like that. I never saw him again. Never saw him again. And there was a kid when I got here that was harder than debt. He had done the Tonight Show and Leno, like two weeks apart.

Something fucking crazy. I remember going into the improv. He had five people around him. He was eating him. They were toasting him. I remember spotting him going, oh, my God, that's the guy. I was like in awe of him. Well, guess what?

I saw that bitch maybe five years ago to YMCA with a fucking kid. And I went over and I'm like, hey, man, I remember you. What are you doing? I was, I read on the show. I haven't done stand-up in years There are a bunch of fucking thieves out there Just the typical guy that gave up in his mind That if he would have stuck with it today

He would have done something At least you fucking did something with it You're already in eight, nine years in What the fuck are you gonna do now? Yeah, I mean you've already gotten TV You've already beaten 99% of the stuff You can't quit now You know how many fucking gold?

I gave myself when I got here. I know, man. I used to give myself goals. I'm going to go back to Colorado and try to be a dad. Bro, how about this one? I'm going to do a movie with Robert De Niro. I'm going to do a movie with Al Pacino. I'm going to do a movie with Adam Sandler.

Who's that? That's you. You wrote it in my fucking, in my apartment. You wrote your goals down. I remember it. You called it in fucking, what was it, 2000? in 2000 you called it and within it took you

for what Adam Sandler? What year was that? 2004. 2004, four years for Adam Salner okay, and then the other movie you did with De Niro and fucking Pacino. What was that one? The ring

the old guys are... Yeah, garage match. All right? And you got all those fucking goals down. I've never fucking seen anybody do that. That's fucking amazing. We, Coco did not have a fucking house. He was sleeping on my fucking floor or when, when fucking Johnny Wes was being a fucking shithead. Okay, Coco would lay on the goddamn floor and Johnny West was out banging chicks or fucking doing gigs.

Coco had the futon. All right. He'd blow up my toilet, fucking take three showers a day. When John went to El Paso, I had the futon. Yeah. We'd send John to El Paso. And it was hot and we couldn't sleep. so we turned on Joey Medina's

fucking cassette. I mean, it's CD and fucking we were out before the like three joke line. We're like, oh, we bowed out. It was the cure for insomnia. God bless it. I still remember being in Colorado in 94 and going home

at night. There was a comedy newspaper then run by the people in San Francisco, John Fox. And I'm in the back. They had all the comedy club listed in states. And there was five pages. comedy clubs. Yeah, man.

And I would sit there at night. It was a magazine called Just for Last, right? Just for Last. And I would yell them, you know, when you highlight. Lee, wake up, Cox. I'm up. I'm up. I would highlight all the clubs I wanted to work at.

And I would cry and go, I'm never going to make it. This is like a fucking eggbees. I remember a circle of the big bees. And the punchlines were all over. The punchlines. The punchlines. The last of us. And then my buddy Todd Jordan took me to Walnut Creek.

to do 10 minutes in front of him and I ate at that two shows Oh I'll never forget I had doubts That fucking playing right on That was not for me boy I remember that turn of event

But we stuck it out So you're in San Jose this weekend Yes sir So starting Thursday Yes sir Two Friday two Saturday one Sunday No Sunday Just Thursday Friday Saturday

And where you go next week I'm gonna be back here Of Sunday morning I love to have you guys come and barbecue. We'll go swimming with the pool. The pool is tremendous. Let me know. And it would be so much fun.

We can go have brunch over there and then I'll have barbecue ready for us at the house. Whatever you want to do, my brother. It'll be a good time. I want us to get that baby in a pool with us and you'll have a blast. But that's what I want to do on Sunday. It's the Lord's Day. Let's relax. And then the week after that, I'm in Salt Lake City.

and then back on that Sunday and then I'm going to be in Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. So that's the warm up for the tour. I love her. Let me see her.

Oh, me, ha. Oh, yeah, she's swimming, Jack. She's a swimmer. Look at that. She's a fish. That's the real deal. That's the real deal, though. I love it.

She's at that pool in Verdugo with fucking young Adult swimming, kicking. I love it. My wife don't even run out there in that fucking deep end. She's amazing. Oh, my goodness. Isn't that amazing?

That's fucking crazy. Look at her. She was barely fucking walking. Ha! Now she's in a pool on her back. She's on her back? Look. I can't see that.

Holy shit. She don't fuck around. That's what she's been doing since she was since I was. How old is she now, Coco? She's two and a half. Two and a half. She's my fucking bodyguard. I can't shake her.

Good for you. you, man. No, I'm, I got a second chance. Hey, as usual, my main motherfucker is Onit. Go to Onit.com for the best. I mean, the best. I read an article the other day that had Onet in there, like, toward macronutrients.

I mean, that's how fucking good. I was blown away. And I'll tell you what. The staple, the Magdadi, Alpha Brain, 100% guaranteed, complete earthgrown neutropics. We ain't fucking around. All your brain cells will be cooking on all

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They also have the coconut oil for your coffee. We ain't fucking around. New mood. I mean, listen, give it a shot. Columbus did. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first order. Oh, you kid.

You need fucking alpha brain more than ever, cocksucker. You know what? I think I need a few alpha brains. Oh, second but not least. Hitysigs.com. What the fuck you get? These are tremendous. Lee, I hope you have a bunch of these.

You can slip me, brother. You've got a bunch of them there. I got some more. Fuck, yeah. Hitties sigs, the cigars are tremendous. Tremendous. The E. Sigs are tremendous. The best thing about them is 1,200 guaranteed motherfucking pups, okay?

Oh, my dad. My dad ordered like 20 of them. Yes, he did. You know why? Because they're fucking $10 a piece. So you get five for 50 bucks right now. Go to hit E6.com and press in. Joey's Church.

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In fact, they got the vapor pen 20% off right now if you press in. Joey D.S. 20% off. It's 50. You get it for fucking 40. You got a problem. You call Dave, your fucking pieces there.

No ifs, and's butts about it. That's why we work with them. That's why we're fans. family, all right? Don't forget to go see Ralphie May next week in San Jose and the flying Jew. I love them with all your heart. We'll be back Wednesday afternoon at 3 o'clock. Stay black cock, suckers. You're going to play highway to hell. Fuck it. Fuck yeah, man. Thank you for coming on, Ralphie. Man, I love you, Coco. Thank you for having me. I'm sorry of fans. If I was rude, I'm kind of high. I apologize.

You're just speaking in mind and shit. I love you, man. It's like, feel like I'm talking at the kitchen table. I forget this is your out my apologies brother no disrespect no no disrespect at all you never apologize you know what saying yeah but you're my brother i don't fucking short you down something you're really good i know man how hot is that jennifer garner what is that ben afflick thinking did you see that fucking mistress oh my god i know she was really hot yeah she's really hot she ain't that schwarzenegger guy with oh jesus i'll tell you that fucking christ okay that thing was brutal you see No. Oh, good Lord Jesus. You look like Cocoa with a wig on.

Who? That fucking Schwarzenegger made. Oh, she's ugly. It's a fucking brutal. Got my tits, though. So, you know. It ain't all lost. On that note,

this show is brought you by Onit.com. Because onat.com, we use covert church to get 10% off. Wait, do you say your website? I'm at ralphymay.com and follow me guys on Twitter. I'm at Ralphie underscore May. It's really me. I'm sorry if you're mad. I love you anyways.

Thanks for having me here. You know, you don't know. When we were fucking high and you're living with me, you're like, Ralphie, May, you're going to be the fucking deacon of the church of what's happening now.

So I feel like it's always good to come back to the church. You know what I'm saying? I ain't mad at you, no, man. I love you. I love that you back in a Monday. day night fucking around. We got high and that's it.

That's how we do it here. No editing, just straight up. What are you going to do? We love you, cock suckers. Lee, read the final results. All right. Go to Onit.com. We use code word church to get 10% off

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Vaporamin. I'm too high to get blood on. I'm going to say that. No, man, you're going to be calm. You'll breathe through your nose. You'll be fine. I'll spray my nose with a affront and shit. Yeah, clear it up.

Open it up. I finish up here, bro. We're done. Hey, I talked to Jimmy Schuber the other day. He told me to tell you hello.