The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #310 - Jason Stuart

Episode Date: August 20, 2015

Jason Stuart, Comedian, Actor, and Host of the "Absolutely Jason Stuart" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
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   Music:
 It's All About The Benjamins - Puff DaddyBlack Hole Sun - Soundgarden

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Oh shit. Crank that motherfucker Lee. The church of what's happening now. Pass over comes early this year on the church. My two favorites. Oh shit. Go, Jason Stewart. Wiggle for Uncle Joey.

What? You want a little Cuban boy? Oh, yeah. This is where it starts. Jason, what? What? What? Ah!

The flying Jew in the house, my little friend. I'm tired. I'm tired. You can't be tired. I'm tired. This is your time, baby. Give me a little shoulder. Give me a little shoulder, Jason.

Hey, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. What's happened? Who is that? Who is that? Because that's Puff Daddy. It's all about the Benjamin's. It's Passover.

Puff Daddy. Yeah. Formerly P. Ditty. formerly Sean Combs formerly bad actor Formerly Rich as Faca Yeah rich as fuck

I don't care I think he made most of his bunny on vodka Tiddy? On Sarrac maybe Who knows? Something He had a TV show for a while When he came out with a perfume

That said he was the king I thought oh God Next This is too much I mean you cannot be mad at this kid I'm not mad No no no no I mean I'm just not interested

No no no In reality I mean he's done He started no You know There was no silver spoon There was nothing you know So that's why I'm not a fan of his

Like I don't know jumping up and down But I have a problem with somebody that makes things Comes from a certain area And then makes things that are so expensive Then he you know PRs them to kids who can't afford to buy them It just seems I don't know Hey the same way cocaine took over

Everybody was smoking pot for $5 or something Somebody showed up with a package that costs a yardstick Oh my God that's why I'm doing cocaine 95% fucking markup all of a sudden in two days Yeah I don't know why I stopped smoking pot And went to cocaine and crack on Thursdays has just got to be too much.

It's all too much for me. It's always been too much for you. Oh, I'm totally. Now, you were born in New York? I was born New York in the Bronx. How long did you stay there for? Until I was a baby boy. But I've gone back so much,

and I'm so New York-esque. You know what I mean? I think because my mom is so Brooklyn that I think that it's very much a part of me. It's the way I grew up. I also grew up in an area of all Jews from New York. And then the black family's moved in. And then that's when I got my boyfriend.

My boyfriend's black And I'm going to be in trouble Now Your parents When they grew They were both Jewish Both Jewish And both grew up in the Bronx

No no Mother was Brooklyn Father was Holocaust Poland and Russia So my father came here in 1949 Running from the Nazis He wasn't in the You know

In the camps He was in the discos I mean the The ghettos Like in the movie the pianist And he came here He used to say What's you crying for

Why you're so upset. Why you make a big deal out of everything? What do you? You're so stupid. I said, Dad, I'm eight. So he ran from the Holocaust. Oh, yeah. You know, him and his family and my grandmother and my grandfather

and my uncle who's still alive, my father's past three and a half years now. Sorry about that. They stuck together as a family. My grandmother was sort of psychic and they knew where to go and they were sponsored in this country and then they came here

in 1949. Yeah, it's so funny because it's always a part of you. You know, I am not a religious person. I don't even believe in religion, honestly, but I'm very Jewish culturally, and it's very much a part of who I am. When you say culturally, you celebrate everything. No, it's not about the celebration of traditional holidays or anything. Because we make everything up.

I mean, we do. Everyone does. If we had to eat the food that they ate, my mother would go, ah, this is shit. You know, I mean, she would never do that. She didn't really. Dried out radish and what an apple and a piece of crass. Is that an almond? What the hell is this? Get the brisket and some potato pancakes. That's the best for Hanukkah. That's what I get. That's nothing to do with Jewish food. That's the best though. I don't care.

But it isn't, we made a Jewish food. It wasn't before. It's not what we're supposed to have about it. So pastrami wasn't Jewish food. No, it's the delis in New York. Hilarious. We made that up. Here, I thought I was a half a Jew because I like pastramia. No, no. And I like tamales. I'm in the search for the right tamale. When I was a kid, my mother used to have a girlfriend, Marta, who used to take a, on New Year's Day, she'd have this big party. We'd all have, and it's the tradition in the Mexican families to have tamales on New Year's Day.

And they were so good. And I said to my mom the other day, she's 78, and she still shops it forever 71. And she says, I said, Mom, what happened to Marta? You know, you were such good friends with them. And she goes, oh, Marta, I think I slept with her husband. What do you mean, you think? Yeah, I did. Was it an affair, or was it, you know, or was it just a one-time thing?

And then she says to me, you know, I don't remember. Well, that's why she's not talking to you. Wonder why you don't have any friends. So you grew up in the Valley? No, I grew up in the Fairfax area. No shit. Yeah, in the Maryland Drive and the Fairfax area. The house that I actually grew up in that was torn down recently.

So you went to Fairfax High School and all that? I was beat up there by very, very famous kids. Now, when you were going to school, like I heard just Timothy Hutton. Oh, God. I went to grammar school with Jody Foster. fresh off to courtship of Eddie's father? Yeah. No, honestly, I went to her before that.

I knew her when she was probably, her brother was a much bigger star. She wasn't on a courtship of ready store when she was six. Yeah, but she was, her brother was a much bigger star. He was Buddy Foster. He was on, he was a regular on maybe RRFD, and I just thought if I could get to him. I went to school with Michelle Green from L.A. law. And it's so funny because I was guesting on an episode of Strong Medicine, and we're in the makeup room.

And I was talking to the makeup person. And she says, Jason? And I couldn't believe that she remembered me, you know. Because I went to school with her. Her and Michelle Tobin, who were in my favorite movie, Yours, Mine, and Hours. But no one's going to remember all this because it's so obscure. Obscure.

But, like, a friend of mine, he was an agent of mine. He's in Vegas now, but he told me he went to high school with Paulie and the chick that's in... Well, me with Timothy Hutton, so that was, you know... Right, right. You went to Fairfax High. Fairfax High. I'm sure there's more people.

I just can't remember now. It was so long ago. And then what are the other high schools around there? The one by Salman High. What's the one by Salman High? That's Hollywood High. That's Hollywood High. And the one by John Burroughs Junior High School.

And the other one, I had Bankroft Junior High School. I went to John Burroughs. I went to Hancock Park Elementary School. Did you, looking back on it, wasn't good going to school with all those people? It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. I was beat up and followed home and tortured. And, you know, school was terrible for me.

couldn't wait to get out. Were you a child actor? No. Well, yes, I did school plays and community theater, and I started studying when I was 14 in professional classes with a professional coach. And I was 16. I started pursuing my career. And the first play I auditioned for was at the Met Theater.

It was Picnic. And Nick Nolte starred in that. And then the second play I auditioned for was Streetcar Name Desire, that Enginette Comer and Ed Harris starred in. And I felt so funny because I recently auditioned for Amy Madigan, who was directing a play. And I told her that story. And she was sort of sweet in touch.

And I thought, oh, I got this part. Well, apparently I didn't. But she liked me a lot, and I liked her. Yeah, but I grew up in this town. Now, you were acting first. When did you turn to stand up? When I was in my early 20s. And you said you took a Harvey Lemberg course?

I was at Harvey Lembeck's comedy workshop. Oh, God, everybody was in that. Where was this at? It was at Paramount Studios. It was a very big deal at the time. And Sam Kinnison and Carl LeBoe were in the class, running around like crazy people pretending they were bees. And I thought, oh, these guys will never make it.

But they were funny, but just crazy. Michael Lembeck was in the class all the time. His sister, Helene, who still teaches his class. Oh, God, everybody was on happy days. Leverne and Shirley, and the gate couldn't get a job to save his life. I swear God, no one wanted to hire me. Nobody wanted to hire me. My first job was in a movie,

the first movie I do was in a movie called The Lost Emperor, not the Bertolucci film, the shit one with Robert Tessian? No, of course not. At this time, you were not open a good. No, but my first job was gay dude number one. Come on.

And my first line was, give me back my purse. I swear to God. And the guy says to me, I had a manager who helped me and get this part. And I was like, oh, I couldn't believe it. I thought, okay, I want to pretend like I'm playing a part because I want to

know it's gay. And he says, wear a blousey, you know, flamboyant shirt. And I brought one. And he said, oh, this is not gay enough. I said, well, I'm not gay. I don't know how to do this. So he had me wear the makeup girl's shirt. It was so humiliated. I was able to talk him out of the scarf. But that was it. But my first job was on a series. I don't know if you remember this, it was a series. It was a late-night comedy soap opera. It was called Life and Times of Eddie Roberts that was on, after Mary Harbin, I played, I think my name was Smith, and I played a ping pong player, sort of like Sean Penn in a pothead. In Fast Times of Ridgemont High, I played this kid, talked like this man, and I was like, dude,

I don't think I could do it. It was so long ago. That was my first job, and I thought, oh, I made it, and I left college and decided not to go anymore. And I thought this was going to happen. My second job was, you know, give me back my purse. And then I couldn't get a job to save my life. So I had this man. manager said I should start doing comedy and I started doing stand-up comedy. And I started waiting in line at the comedy star like every retard and every jerk and, you know, and I remember this guy that would stand in front of me on the line all the time. He food all over his clothes and he used to do these Johnny Carson jokes. And then I finally realized after a year of doing that,

that he was doing an impression of Johnny Carson. I just didn't get it because it wasn't very good. And that was my life. And Mitzi Shore finally let me come in as a non-paid regular And I started working there. And then I started getting things. And then I had this guy, Vince Champ. I don't know if you remember Vince Champ, who got in trouble for raping girls on college campuses. Is he still in jail? Yeah, he has eight.

That was 15 years ago. Oh, more than that, 20. And he actually... He's still in jail? Oh, yeah. Well, he's a rapist, a serial rapist. But he was so nice to me. He got me all of my first jobs.

I opened for Shirley Hemphill from what's happening. And she says, Jason, do I look like a lesbian? In this outfit, she would wear men's running pants and a press shirt and diamond earrings. I said, yeah, you do, Cheryl. And then she didn't talk to me for two days. And then Adam Leslie, I opened for him

and Joker's Comedy Club, and I used to spray my hair up, do you remember? Spray my hair up and wear silver-lame jackets and zebra pants and tiger jackets and I dance in a circle because I want to know I was gay. It's crazy. And then I started teaching comedy traffic school. There was add in the paper

in variety that said, if you're funny and you want to be, to work comedians want it, something like that. So I went in and I became probably the most famous at that time comedian teaching comedy driving school. Who else was there with you at that time? What year was this? It was

1984. Oh my God. That's how old. I was a baby. Hold on one second. From the time you started acting at 14 to the time you got your first job, how many years was it? 16. I really started, I really started at eight. Okay. In my first Purim play. I was a slave. I ripped up one of my

mother's sheets. It was like terrible. And I, when I started, I would say when I started my career, I was 16, that's when I started sending pictures out and resumes out and trying to get a job. And I had my first audition for Michael Richie since passed away for a movie called Smile with Barbara

Feldon and Bruce Dern. And I remember the auditioned so clearly, my mother wore a red pants suit with the push-up bra on, a big hair piece and eyelashes. And I remember going, God, I'm never going to get this party. He doesn't even know I'm in the room. It was all about her.

It was her audition. Because I was 16, I was 14, rather, she had to take me away from school. I was 14, yeah, because I was in John Burroughs Jr. high school. And I started, you know, when I was 16 or so, really pushing my career. And I started doing professional plays. But I never wanted to do comedy because I didn't know how to do comedy as me. Because I didn't exist as a person. you know, it couldn't be funny because every time I was funny, people would think I was gay,

so I was trying not to be funny. So I did Shakespeare, I did Shakespeare's Cori Linus, and I did The Thriller Children's Hour, and I did Alamford Wilson play, and, oh, I don't remember so long ago, but I did a lot of stuff, and then I finally, you know, succumbed to comedy, but I started this crazy Peewee, Herman, Judy Tanuda, Emo Phillips, kind of, you know, crazy outfits and talking about how I was a fat kid, and my crazy, crazy parents and, you know, and I never talked about myself past a certain point. And then after 10 years of that and a role in kindergarten cop, which got me a lot of play, I finally decided to come out.

And then I came out on the Geraldo show in an episode called Unconventional Communions. How old are you going to try to get my old age thing? It's so sad. No, no, no, no. I'm just curious when... I was in my early 30s. And what did you do all those years? I lied. but you still slept with men. Only on the weekends.

That's my new tour. It's called I'm gay on the weekends. You know why? It's too much to be gay every day. It's exhausting. How can I do it every day? You have to be funny and you have to dress well. I dress like a straight guy.

I looked like somebody's dad. Get off my porch! When I read your thing, that was the first thing I noticed. The IMDB and the thing you sent me and I read your Wikipedia and it said, openly gay. And I sat down. I got famous for it.

Why be fucking gay? If you're not, I don't get it. Well, because it's my insides. This is who the fuck I am. Well, because people hated us. And you have, you have the self-esteem of a straight man. No, but you lose. You're going to lose.

You're going to lose you. Hello again. I know. You have the self-esteem of a straight man. I grew up in the 60s and 70s. I know, I know. I remember looking in the World Book Encyclopedia, and for the kids listening at home, that's the Internet's.

And I'd open it up, and it would say homosexual, it said mentally ill. You really? I slapped that book shut, and that was 10 years of fucking therapy. You know, I didn't want to be that. Did your mom know?

Of course. Mother's always know. Okay. Did you discuss it with her? Oh, yeah. It took me to lunch. I was in my 20s and I said, Mom, I think that I'm,

you know, I want to let you know that I'm gay. And she goes, well, what do you mean? I said, well, she said, do you sleep with men? I said, yeah, well, I'm gay. She said, well, what do you mean? What do you mean?

She couldn't, she couldn't, is it all the time? You know, it's like she wouldn't, It was like, she goes, I thought you were a little gay, but not completely gay. Everything with her is a question. I forget which Hollywood actor said it a few years ago, but he recommended that gay actors shouldn't come out, like, would hurt their career. I forget.

It was Rupert Everett. Do you agree with that? No, look at the career he's had. He's worked with some of the most incredible directors. He plays the prince in Shrek. He's probably making millions of dollars. He's king of British theater. I mean, he's done movies with Madonna and Julia Roberts and all these great people.

Working with Paul Schrader, I would kill you and him to be him. He's 10 times better looking than me. So what, if it wasn't for career, like what? Stage Beauty is one of my favorite movies. He starred in that. I mean, I think people were just ungrateful. Not everybody's going to be Tom Cruise. Not everybody's going to be Angeline Jolie.

We're all not leading men. We're all not going to be that all the time. You get to stay on that street, you know, that Tom Cruise Street, that's what I call it. You get to stay on that street if you're a leading man for a very short time. On my podcast today, I had Penelope Ann Miller, who has a million. She's worked with everybody from De Niro to Pacino to... Don Johnson, Orlando. Don Johnson, everybody.

Now, Army Hammer, she's in a movie with me. Oh, I'm in a movie with her. Called Birth of the Nation about Nat Turner, the Black Abolition as an I play a plantation owner in 1831, a stray guy. And I have a wife and a kid, and I talk like this. It's hard times. The small farmers like you and myself. Breaking evens hard enough. But getting the head's impossible.

So I played this guy completely different than me. And finally, after, you know, all these years, I'm getting to play straight roles or different kinds of roles. You know, I got a film coming out called Hush Up Sweet Charlotte, which is a comedy parody movie like Airplane or Hot Shots. I've never done one of those. Really very stylized. It stars Mink Stoll from all the John Waters films and the famous drag queen personality, Varla Jean Merman, and I play Mr. Wills, and I play this British journalist,

and I talk like this, and I'm very special, very nice. And somebody said, how did you think of playing that part? I said, I don't know, I'm somewhere between, I don't know, Anthony Hopkins and Haley Mills in the Parenthood. You know, because that's how I learned actors by watching other people. Talk like this, Jerry. Very nice to meet you. You're very talented, you know, a bit crude.

but I sort of like that. You know, and so I'm getting to play all these really cool character roles and my life, things are changing, but it took forever. It took forever to show up and stay, and, you know, you have periods of working a lot, and then you have periods, you know,

when you hit 40, all of a sudden, there's no roles for gay people, for me. You just, they're gone. They want them all to be young and pretty and shaved and, you know, buff and perfect. And I'm, you know, for my age, I'm a pretty good shape, but I'm not young anymore.

Neither am. No, it's a different fucking game. So there are no gay parts. You die at 40, and then you come back maybe when you're around 70, and some old guy plays you in a movie, you can't find your apart. Oh, I was in that movie. I forgot. I played the guy that married them.

No, let me ask you a question. This Rupert guy. Rupert Everett, yeah. Now, let's get something like, who's the guy, Sean Hayes? He's always been out. No. No. He first came out.

He wasn't out. I was up for that part. I'm willing grace. And I don't think they wanted a gay guy. I don't think they would have said it out loud because the two guys that made the show were very progressive and they were trying to do something really different. And there was a lot of fear around it. But Sean had been in a very, very big film at Sundance called Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss.

And it was a really big deal. And there was something about Sean that was safe. I don't think I'm safe. I'm a nightclub comic. That's where, you know, I think there's a, you know, I'm going to challenge you where he was a little more. more, and I hate to say this word for the lack of a better description. And Sean, I absolutely love you. But there was a neuteredness to him.

He didn't wear his sexuality on his sleeve. He didn't, you know, I don't mean being feminine or whatever. I mean his, he wasn't a predator. He wasn't a man trying to get another man. You know, he was a guy that was just, you never saw him have sex. And he was always talking about his boyfriends, but you never, you know, they weren't really always there, you know, where you'd see Deborah, you know, messing in bed with whoever she was, whether it was.

Gregory Hines or That's interesting. Or who was it, Woody Harrelson. Carnivali played Will's boyfriend. Oh, and I love him. God, I love him. The reason, I think, at least for me, the reason why I'm asking.

Hold on, let's just take a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in shock. I like this type of conversation because it's all, I never heard this before. Well, and that's what I'm saying. Because it's not you. It's not your life. But I would love to hear it.

Yeah, but you know what I mean? It's not your experience. We have no. No, but you read it. I could have read it. I could have read it. That's what I'm saying. that I never could have read it.

I could have that and said, you didn't have to. You don't have to do all these things. You don't have to learn all these things. You get to go along and being a guy. You look like a guy that's in all these movies. I don't exist. I don't exist at all in movies today.

What gay guy character is there like me on a TV show now? Who's over 40, between 40 and 60? Who? Look, you don't even know. Both of you just sat there with a real... Well, there's modern family... I wish you could see... I don't watch a lot of TV.

But movies, anything. This is what you both did. There's modern family, but it's kind of similar. The guy started on, they wouldn't let me up for that show. They said I was too old. And they cast a straight guy because they couldn't find a gay guy that was funny in Hollywood.

I mean, you know? That's the worst experience. And they both look like they've never had sex with each other. There's no sexuality between them. They're very, you know, they never, you know, there's not, I don't watch the show a lot, but there's no sexuality between them. They're these,

comedy characters. Right. You know, if my boyfriend didn't touch me or, they don't talk about him being fat and he's the bear. They don't talk about his,

you know, there's a certain group of guys that love heavyset guys. Right. They don't talk about that. And that's very big in our community, you know. And it's because it's straight people

doing the show. And the gay people that write on the show were afraid to write, you know, there was a website or a Facebook page, why doesn't Cam kiss this guy? It had been on for years and they never even kissed.

I mean, even Mike and Carol on the Brady Bunch got to kiss, and that was in the 60s, you know? You think America is not ready to see you two-month-ciss? No, I don't think it's anything to do with America. It's always the TV people. It's never America. The people are great. I was one of the first openly gay comics to headline mainstream comedy clubs. I started in 93, and I basically toured really like two weeks a year for 20 years.

Two weeks a month? Two weeks a month, yes, thank you. And how were the receptions? Great. I sold out through... And who else was out there at the time? Very few. There was...

Most of the gay comics were doing gay shows. I had come from being a nightclub comic, so I wasn't in that community when I first started. And I also don't do... I'm not a performance artist. I'm not Gene Garofalo. I'm not... You're a fucking original room comic. I watched you for fucking years.

Yeah. That's why you're sitting there. You're an original... But I'm not a... I'm not a performance artist. I'm not a... not a heady comic. I'm just jokes and I talk about

my life and I'm not like I'm not that kind of hip-cool comic I'm more of a nightclub comic and Bud Freeman used to call me the crowd pleaser and that's who I am so I never was in that room they used to be the funny gay comics, funny gay male

comics and then there was Suzanne Westenhofer who tried to do the mainstream comics but she made so much more money by doing the lesbian circuit that she didn't do it as much because the money wasn't there And they weren't paying gay people the same amount. I didn't make, where I really made the money was the gay events and the colleges in the years when I was really big in that. I did that probably the 90s until everything dried up.

I did gay pride in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Did they think you were a bear? I don't know. They paid me $1,500. I had never seen $1,500. Well, because in 1990s? I'd never seen $1,500. Well, they didn't know, maybe they thought you were gay.

They seen me at a comedy club, Dr. Grins. No, it was two clubs in Grand Rapids in 98. This was the shitty club. I worked Grand Rapids, too. I don't know where I worked there. There was two clubs. There was two clubs. There was two clubs. Dr. Grins.

And then there's another club that was just a death hole. You did Friday and Sadles? Something crazy. Joey's. No, Joe's is in Dearborn and Livonia. I did that, and the woman hated me. Because there was these mafioso guys in the audience that were on the phone or pretending to be there. And I, you know me.

I talk to the audience. I'm very combative. If people haven't seen me, I'm very Joan Rivers-Don Rickled-esque. And I talk to them, and I'm looking at them, and she said, how dare you talk to these guys and tell them, and they never hired me again? Because I told them to put the phone...

I used to line the phones up on the stage in the 90s, and I would take them from people, and that crazy. I love... I don't like when I go to the improv, and I see a old gay show either. I like when I see a guy like you. Did you go with me to Santa, Barber to the college. But they won't hire.

No, no. They won't hire. Did you hear that story? Yeah. About the gay kid that one of the gay comics that went up in front of me. He took that rumor. He dissected it like Denzel Washington with a shotgun and trained. Who wasn't?

Cuted's kid. I even went up to him and I go, dog, I worked the comedy store. And I was back there shirring in my boots because you had these motherfuckers out of the palm of the hand. And they came up here. They were church people. They were podcast people. I go, you ripped that audience up. I go, you're ready. He was 22 years old.

little glasses, doesn't say much, very introverted, college student. And I said, what happened to him? I don't know who was. This is six months ago. Oh, a new guy. Yeah, I go, when are you going to come to Holly? Because they're going to kill for you. And he was like, I don't think I'm ready.

I go, dog, you just lit that fucking room up in front of me. Like, I haven't seen a pro dude because he was very open. He had a very, he was gay, but he had a very confident delivery. He fucking believed what the book he says. You know, he was talking about the problems with being gay and the pros and the cons and that everybody thinks that gay marriage. He doesn't want to be married. I mean, he just broke it down.

It was 15 minutes. But he was well written. He was like a... It's terrible that we can get married now. Yeah, he was... Because now I'm officially... I used to be a hot... I used to be a hot single guy.

Now I'm officially an old maid. I'm like somebody on the Walton's living up on a hill. It's over for me now. No. I used to do, I had a great joke. I would say, come on straight people. It's, you know, 2015. If you let us marry each other, we will stop marrying you.

I sold it on T-shirts and everything. Well, now that's over. How many fucking guys? I have like three female friends that have told me they dated a guy for three years. One other guy took her out to dinner. Another guy showed up and said, I've been gay all these years. Were they fat? No, the girls weren't.

There's a show about that on Netflix right now. There is. What is it called? The Last Train? No, it has like really famous actress. Sam Watterson. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good show I heard.

It's a Lily Tomlin. It's called Frankie and Grace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I watched the first episode. Oh, my God. There's a movie coming out in a couple weeks. It's called Grandma. It stars Lily Tomlin, Judy Greer,

Marsha Gay Harden, Sam Elliott. It's fucking brilliant. She plays this grandma who's a lesbian. And it's about her relationship with her granddad. daughter. And it was funny, it was touching. I'm calling it now. Oscar nomination. Best actress, Lily Tomlin, supporting actor, Sam

Elliott. It's going to be first time for him, second time for her. And it's going to be best screenplay, too. So I've got to ask you a question. Let's pretend I go into, and it's a stupid question, I just realized that as I was preparing to ask you it. But should have taken so long to ask.

70% of the people I go into to see from movies or television are women. Right? 70, 80% are. women. To go to the movies? No, no, no, the fucking cast. No, men are much bigger. Pagano? Who's? Pagano? Who's left? Pagano? Fucking, the guy that cast... Oh, the casting director?

Yeah, casting. Casting directors are either straight women who were... Right, okay. Who are annoyed or gay guys who are bitter. Christine. Right, like, that's what I was saying. When you walk into an audition room, do you ever feel anything? Like... Well, when I was a kid, I felt like... like, okay, so pick up this piece of paper, put it in front of your face.

That's the way I felt. Put it in front of your face for a while. That's exactly the way I felt. I'd walk in the room and they'd go, no. No. Because I could tell that whatever I was doing, they were not buying. They weren't willing to look at me. I remember Joyce Selznick, who was a very big network casting executive.

They were redoing the Archie Comic Book series. I was 20-something years old, and I walked into her office to read for one of the parts. And she looked up, can they see me on a camera here? So she was like this. She walked in, she went, no, thank you.

That was it. Why do you think she did that? Put those earphones on. What do you think she did? I think that people would look at me and go, where does this guy belong? But I wasn't the same guy. I wasn't confident as I am now.

I was young. I was, You know, I was funny and goofy and had this crazy kind of energy. I was always sort of funny and scared, you know, kind of a... People used to compare me to John Ritter on Three's Company, that kind of guy. And I thought they just didn't know what to do with me. They had Jim Bullock was like the end of that kind of comedian where you were allowed to be a neutered gay guy and you weren't allowed to...

You know, you play a straight character, but you were really gay. I mean, it was Monroe on Who Calls for Comfort was straight. You know, who knew? Well, I've heard Joey talk about, and I'm not other comics talk about. They never really got good at comedy until they started being themselves on stage. Oh, yeah. Did you get better at acting when you started being... My whole life changed.

Because, you know, it's finally, you know, you can talk about... All of a sudden, I had a whole wealth of material now to talk about stuff. And now, as I get older, mostly I talk about dating or politics or pop culture. Or I talk about me more than anything. And my mother, I talk my mother a lot because I'm a mama's boy, big, time. You know, I call my mom on the phone. I said, Mom, I met this great guy. She goes, is he gay? I said, of course he's good. No, he's a fucking leprecha. Of course

he's gay. She said, well, I forgot. You know, it doesn't matter to me anymore. She calls and she asks me questions. She said, I just want to know one thing. What? Is it true that gay people invented blow jobs? I said, Mom, that's so inappropriate. Just answer me. I said, no. Well, we didn't invent them, but we did perfect them. there you go Lee if you ever think of switching governments

I mean she's so inappropriate I mean it doesn't know what she did it's just there is there are no lines there are no you know nothing a couple years ago I took her to see she loves Barbara Streisand to see Barbara Streisand in the guilt trip she says am I anything like that at all?

I said no mom you're worse you're so past this did you watch the Seth Rogen movie Oh that's the one I'm talking about the guilt trip Oh, God, yeah, I watched that with my mom. It was... Oh, it's a historical.

And I'm going to see my mom tomorrow for the weekend, but it's just Jewish moms and Barbara Streisand. What about... Did you ever watch Everybody Loves Raymond? She loves it. The mother on everybody... Oh, Doris. I know Doris. I'm in a little web series with her.

My mom hates it when I say it. And she's not... Obviously, that's exaggerated, but it's exactly the same. My mother's more on the nanny. Oh, okay. You know, she's more Renee Taylor, but thinner and better looking. She says, say that if you ever...

say that. Don't say I'm fat. I'm not fat. I look great. She's had four husbands. Two she married, two she killed. Now, the other thing I got out of the openly gay thing that I was, when I read that, I was like, you know, to me, it's like, who the fuck is gay? And live

in 2015, you know? Well, because I was one of the first people to come out. What year did you come on? A 93. Oh, shit. You were one of the pioneers. Yeah, I started. Yeah, yeah. But I started taking eight, you know, years off things so people wouldn't, you know, but I, but I've had a whole career of playing, I just did a film

two years ago with Roger Gannvere Smith called Dirty and I play Guy Talks like this, I'm, I'm you, except I'm not as you. You know, I did this, I've done that character like five times in different movies. I started doing it on the closer, I guess, started on that. I played a nicer version of him and then I kept doing that and I started adding villains and British people and, you know, you just start becoming better and better and better. And that's what I wanted to do, but no one would let me do it. They still won't let you do it in TV. On Sleepy Hollow recently, I was, of course, an art curator, so I made up a little erudite and, you know, very grand and talk like this, and how can I help you? You know, just different, you know, there's different ways to do things

so you can make it interesting for yourself, but I don't play gay characters anymore because there are no, rarely are there one for me. Over 40. Now, rarely. And if there's maybe one, or two, a funny scene in a gay movie that I'll play. Now, for years, I carry the gun. I used to carry a fucking gun. For years. For years. Oh, my God. And one day I stopped carrying a gun, but I noticed something that when I carried a gun, I made friends with other people who carried a gun.

That's frightening. My point is to you is... Does you ever get shot? No. When you were in the closet, per se. Joey, that's the most of the... So when you were in the... No, no, I used to carry a gun.

Wait, when I used to carry a gun, then I had other gun friends. I had an illustrator for you. I know, but this is hysterical. Did you meet... I'm so at the end of this chart. No, they wouldn't. They wouldn't come to you. Like, you know, when I was doing blow.

Oh, yes. Yes. When I was doing blow, Jason, when I used to do. People come up to me after show and go, do you want to do a blow? Now, for the last eight years, two people in eight years have come up to me. When I tour, when I used to tour, oh, the married man would call me, come to my hotel, find me. Now, you wouldn't see a gay guy find me for miles that was in the closet. They don't want to get near me.

You know, certain, I've never been asked to open. for a big gay comic, ever? Someone that's famous? Never once. Never once. There wasn't an equal to me, where we worked together two headliners? Never. What the fuck? It's the way it is.

Nobody wants to be associated. Are they worried that you'll do like it sounds stupid, but all the gay jokes? In front of them or is it one of those things? Are you, when you open for a big act that's bigger than you? Are they afraid you're going to do all the straight jokes? No, that's what I'm saying. So, yeah. So what do you think

it is. They can only have one of us. You were saying, why do they have a gay night? Why do they have a black night? Because we couldn't get anything else. You know? That's the way it is. No, I'm just trying to illustrate to you when I said about the guns. It's like living with it. For me, it's like living with a secret. When I was a kid, when I was a fucking being in the closet, guns. Same thing. When I was a kid, I'd go to my mother's bar and I go down to the basement.

And every once in a while I'd open up something and see fucking, this one I was six. So this is 19, fucking 69. And I would see two packages of cocaine. And in my house, my mom had those fucking monkeys everywhere. And it was, and my mom used to say, whatever you fucking see in the house. You don't tell him nobody. So different. So I would go out into the streets on 88 Street in Manhattan, and kids would be talking about it.

When I was eight, two years later, kids would be saying, oh, my daddy, his brother does cocaine, and it's bad for you. And I'd sit there and I couldn't say nothing. Do you understand me? It's a fucking secret. It's a secret. You know, when I went home and I saw my stepdad with guns, and they had blow, and they had reefer, and they had the gambling operation.

And then two hours later, I'm at Carmine Balzano's house, and they're fucking detectives. He's a detective, and I'm hanging out with his kids, and they're talking about murderers, and did you see this guy? We arrested this guy with drugs, and I'm sitting there eating fucking spaghetti with them knowing, Jesus, thank God you don't come into my fucking house.

It's a secret. That's what, you know. Oh, yeah, we weren't allowed to tell anybody that my mother had tons and tons of, you know, serily cakes in the freezer. Sure. We'd eat them and no wouldn't tell anybody. I couldn't imagine, you know. That and the affairs.

And, yeah, sometimes when you're gay, people know it. Like, if you walk in a room, whatever. Oh, I could walk in a room. If you didn't know me, I could walk in a room. You never know I was gay for me. That's what I'm saying. How the fuck weren't people giving you rolls and shit? Because I think when I was younger, I didn't know who I was.

I didn't know who I was. And if you are in life. love with Robert Redford, who were you left to be but Barbara Streisand? So if you want to get a guy, you think, oh, I have to act like a woman. It's your only to get a guy. You don't have any images. I remember once I got on an airplane. It was around, oh, it was around 10 years ago. I was going on an airplane to go do a movie somewhere, I think it was. Or was a standard of I don't remember. But Martin Sheehan was sitting in the first class section. And when I was a kid, Martin Sheen did a film with Hal Holbrook called That Certain Summer.

I don't know if you ever heard of it. It was about this guy who was gay, came out of the closet, went to live in San Francisco, Hal Holbrook, and fell in love with Martin Sheen. So that certain summer, and Help Lang played his ex-wife. And in the previews, it would say, if I, if he was, I would say, she would say, what was the catchphrase line? If he were a woman, I'd know how to compete. and I watch this movie

about that certain summer and I remember that I saw him on the plane and that movie completely changed my life because there was one scene where Martin Sheen is packing up to leave so he can talk to his son that certain summer

would stay with him for the summer and tell him that he was, Hal Hobbrook telling him he was gay and in those days it was such a big deal and I remember he put his hands on his shoulders and he said it's going to be okay I had never seen two men touch each other in an intimate way.

I was like, oh my God. So I think I was, you know, 11, 12, 13 years old. Oh, so guys can be with guys. And they can both be guys. And they can both wear sweaters. They were wearing sweaters. I guess I should wear a sweater. That's the thing.

So for the longest time, I would wear a sweater. So this way the people would know it was me. And it changed my life. And then I went on the plane. I always get emotional. And I saw Martin Shee in there. And I looked at him. And he said, he said, I know.

You know, I'm not the first guy at a certain age that came over to him and said, you changed my life. You know, and he did. And it was just, it was just the, it was the possibility that I didn't have to be a, I used to think I was going to have to have a sex change operation when I was very little. Because I did, there was nothing. I didn't, I thought, how am I going to be who I am, you know? And you'd see things on the news about these people,

in sex change operations and I thought, oh my God, am I going to have to cut off my penis? That book closed because I didn't want to be a woman, but I didn't know what I, I didn't understand it. And all this was going on in my head. You weren't allowed to talk about it. Otherwise, people would call you mentally ill because it's in the board book encyclopedia. So all this goes on and you completely lose your self-esteem. So I'm running around being funny and goofing so no one will beat the shit out of me in school, which they did anyway. And then you get into show business and there's no place for you. you don't exist.

If I were maybe 10 years older, there might have been the Paul Lynn place. They had that place for people. You know, Paul Lynn and Rip Taylor and Charles Nelson Riley. But I met all those guys. All so sad because they wanted to do more than just be this funny guy. Rip Taylor, I've talked to many times. I remember he did...

Fucking hilarious. But he did a movie called with Demi Moore and Robert Redford. It was called Indecent Exposure, and he played the manager of something. And I remember when that happened And he said, oh yeah, I thought that was going to be I was going to be able to act They were going to let me act in movies He took his hairpiece off

And he did the whole movie, you know, as another character But it wasn't okay then, you know But I thank God for those guys Because I stand on their shoulders If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be able to be where I am You know, I have a great, great deal of respect For all of them You know

I mean, it's people don't know It's a rough ride. I mean, if I would have known what my career was going to be like, if I could see a movie, I went, oh, yeah, no, that's way too hard. You know, I've said this a thousand times. That's why I was goofing with you outside

and we were smoking about Cuba. When I was a little boy, I'd call my head on my side from time to time. Now, my mom died in 79, and I told this story a thousand times. But before she died, I'd fuck around, and I'd put like a scarf on, and she'd go, who were you, Rock Hudson?

And you didn't know what she was talking about. I knew she was talking about. Did you know Rod Hudson was gay? No, but listen to me. I knew the fuck she was talking about, so I never brought it up. For years, I would put my hair to the side, and she'd go, where are you going? Hang out with Rock Hudson? And one day I finally said to, I go, the fuck are you talking about?

Rock Hudson's a man of man. She goes, listen, when I was a little girl in Cuba on the weekends, the word on the street was Rock Hudson's coming to town. So me and my cohorts would go up to the hotel, the fucking suck his dick. And he'd be in that hotel room locked up with a little boy. All the juice ran out of my body. I'm like, you know, I'm a fucking liar. And she'd say, I'm telling you, we'd sit outside of this window. And all you had to do is park your head of the side and you could be gay?

No, no, no, 19. My God, it's that easy? She would goof-farm me. I'm going to find some guys. She would goof-farm me. She'd go, where are you going to hang out of Rod Cudson? The day she told me this, she died in 79. She probably told me in 78.

And I looked at it and I said, you know what? This makes you officially fucking crazy. Or the coolest chick on the planet. She died in 79, 85 he comes out. He didn't come out. He never came out. What happened? He died of AIDS and he never came out.

Oh, I thought he came out and changed the game. No. He said he had AIDS. He never even said he had AIDS. No. He refused to say it until he was on his deathbed, I think. Don't quote me, but I think. He would never say it.

I read articles about him how they begged them to stop. Ever, ever. They begged them to stop. Like in the 50. Stop. Well, you know what happened. We'll take it to a church. Did you see Tab Hunter's documentary?

I'm sure you did. No, I didn't. Of course. I don't even know with Tab Hunter. Big Teen Idol star in the 50s with Sandra D. Randolph Scott. Several actors whose careers were ruined by a magazine called Confidential. And there was a famous gay agent who I'd love to play him in a movie if they ever do him.

And he had all the boys, rock, all the name, Tab, Skip. you know, whatever their fucking names were. And all these, you know, what I call these goyish, you know, guys that would be, you know, buff and, you know, and he had all these guys, and all of them were dead. How old he thought? Just like that.

You know, it's like, Thirst and Held Third. I love that. Motherfucker. All those guys, he had all these guys, but he traded them in. So, because Rock Hudson was the biggest star at the time. He was an Oscar nominee, Oscar actor for, uh, actor for, um, uh,

a giant and, and, uh, he uh he they were going to give him up that magazine but he gave him two other actors to out which they did and their careers slowly dwindled you know and didn't you were unable to get as much work and people the word was out that something was rock you know had you know his career did the talk didn't come until the 70s about him because he was known for boys parties but so was bert reynolds which is weird and no one's ever said anything about him i don't know if he's gay or straight but all of his friends were gay but all of his friends were gay Earl Holloman, Don de Louise. There's so many of them. They used to have these parties. And I remember once I auditioned for a play that Earl Holloman was producing. He was doing Mr. Roberts.

And I'll never forget it. And he called me at my house. He said, you didn't get the part, but I'd love to invite you to this party. And I thought, what? And I knew that that was what was going on. And I said, no, I can't that weekend. Because I would always act stupid

like I didn't know what was going on. I thought I wish I would have went. Earl Holloman. Oh, my God. The possibility is in shit. He was so handsome in those days. I just thought that... You know, Earl Holloman from policewoman.

Oh, okay. He's 26. I just thought that... I just thought that in Hollywood... Well, they're still closeted guys. Come on. You know, I mean, there still is. I mean, I'm not saying anything out of school.

I've never slept with him, John Travolta, but I don't know if he's bisexual or... I don't know what his story is. But I've spoke to many people who've actually slept with him over the years. And he's been known. I mean, he certainly hasn't been closeted about it.

You know, he certainly has gotten in trouble and written about it and hitting on people. I mean, I'm only saying what I've heard and people have told me. I don't know for sure anything. Obviously, it's all gossip and innuendo. But I've talked to people who actually said they slept with him. And no one seems to, you know, you know

I think there still are and there's probably some really bigger stars that are really closeted that never want you to know you know and there's bisexuality and sexuality for some people is very fluid for me it's not I mean I had a girlfriend from the time I was 16 until I was 21

and then that was it I know there was one other girl after that I think I slept with five women in my life I can remember them men who can remember that and what is sleeping with someone What does that really mean?

You know, I was always, as a young man, my mom had the bar, and then we're involved in Santa Rica and we're Cuban. So my mom always had a couple gay friends, and, you know, they would torment me when I was a kid and break my balls about shit, and I would break their balls back. But I was never really, I never really knew the struggle. And until I went to prison. I think you did, though.

I went to prison. Well, before that. You were in prison? Him growing up and you coming from Cuba sounded very similar to me. It's an insecurity. I had a big interest. Like, that's what I was trying to explain to them before, that I've always been very insecure. Being Cuban, being where I came from, that my mother dealt drugs, that they were involved in bookmaking.

Yeah, they were nice people and whatever, but they still did creepy fucking shit. And that's always when I walked in a room. So you had a secret that you didn't want people to know about. Yeah. When I walked in a room and there was a bunch of white kids, I always felt. Well, it's the same thing being Jewish growing up with a father that was in the Holocaust. My father always used to say they're going to call you a dirty Jew. That's going to be it.

He always used to say you can only trust the Jews. There's no one else you can trust, but the Jews. And me growing up, everybody in my family was so crazy. I thought you could just trust everybody but the Jews. But, you know, because they were so nuts. I mean, you know, everybody was cheating and lying and having affairs and da-da-da-da-da-a. It was just so complicated. And every, you know, it's like da-da-da-da-da-da.

My mother was always on some sort of pill. She was either on a sleeping pill or a diet pill or a volume. You didn't know whether she was coming up or going down. And if she was in her bedroom, you came home from school and you could see the phone from the hallway when they used to have the long cords. And it was on the phone and she was sleeping, you know, like Marilyn Monroe or something. You knew not to go in that room because she would go insane. You never knew what was going to happen with her.

You know, that's the way I grew up. Kray with a big Z, very emotional, people running out in the street screaming with a knife or somebody. slapping somebody or there was always somebody acting, oh, I can't take this anymore. You know, it's always that. You know, it was always so dramatic. Everybody in my family.

There was a movie about my family called Lying, Cheating, and Stealing. Everybody, and my grandmother was a big shoplifter. And, you know, I said, you know, and I said, why did you steal all this stuff? She said, well, they didn't pay me enough. I go, when she died, I remember, when she died, before she, when I cleaned out

her apartment and moved her into a retirement hotel, 100 scissors, just scissors. She's infatuated with scissors. 3,000, you know, paper clips and safety pins all put together like in a mosaic. At least two or 300 earrings, a thousand broaches, and napkins, plastic bags, salt and pepper shakers from everywhere, silverware that she stole, just pushed it in her purse. I mean, could you imagine her going to prison? What were you in for murder?

rape, me? I stole some silverware. You're an amazing guy, man. You've been around for a long time. I didn't really know the struggle. Most people don't. Most people don't because I think it's not something I talk about unless you're being interviewed, but it's about for people listening who want to be in show business, it's about showing up. So I'll tell you this, you know, the thing that I think is so special right now. So I did this movie called Birth of a Nation. It's about black abolitionist, Nat Turner, and it takes place in 1831.

Do you know who Nat Turner was? He was an abolitionist. He fought against the white slave owners, which I play one of them. And it's a movie about this man that had the fortitude. This is before the Civil War. And he could read, he could write, and the part that Penelope and Miller plays,

she actually teaches him to the Bible and to read. And in those days, it was almost illegal for black people to learn how to read or write. They were beat or, you know, it was really, they just didn't want them to have any sort of education because then they wouldn't want to do all the work that they, you know, that they had them do. It was just, it was a terrible, embarrassing time of history. So I get an agent in New Orleans. She, I'm going to a gig.

And I get a thing that says, hey, I want you to come in and put yourself on tape. For those at home, that mean we put ourselves on videotape. They mail it to people because it's being done in different cities and stuff a lot of the time. and it's a white plantation owner, a Christian, married, you know, 1831, Southern accent. I thought, oh, I'm never going to get this. So I put myself on tape the next day. I'm going to the gig, you know, get home at midnight. You know, they want it by noon the next day. So I call one of my assistants. I get here at nine.

You know, we put it on tape, forget about it. You know, that's it. Week later, they called me, want me to fly to Savannah on my own dime. to meet the director. So I look in the cast, I see it on IMDB, which is the internet movie database,

and I see that Roger Gannvere Smith, who I'd done a movie with a year ago, is in the cast. So I called him, I said, hey, I'm up for this movie. Could you put a word in for me? I said, I'm going to send you my audition tape. If you think I'm good,

if you don't like it, please do not worry about it. And he liked it, sent it, and he called me right before I went, And I said, he said, I talked to the director. He's an old friend of mine. And he said, he liked your audition. And we didn't really talk about you.

We talked about a lot of other stuff. Just go, be really good. So I go to Savannah, do the audition in the middle of fucking nowhere, in a strip mall, in a town next to Savannah. And some guy in the parking lot, as I'm walking, I went and had lunch. I was like, there were three hours early. What was I going to do? I'm in Savannah, Georgia, by myself.

And I went in there, and some guy goes, I know you. I thought, I have a fan in the middle of a parking lot. Savannah, Georgia, and it was the director. I didn't recognize the beard and the hat, and he's also the star of the movie, Nate Parker. He's young, smart, activist, handsome, talented, guy that wrote, produced, starred in acting this film. And I go, you know, when you meet someone,

it's always sort of, people don't know that we constantly have to audition and meet people. You're always meeting people you don't know, and you have to be so personal, so fast. So it was like he said something nice to me. I didn't even hear it. But I knew he said something positive. I went in, auditioned. He said, do it again, but be funnier.

You can be funnier in this one. You don't have to, I thought, funnier. I said, look, I'm a nightclub comic. You want me to be funny? I did it again. I said, can I do the whole thing again? I read both of the two scenes and said, yes. He said, thank you very much.

I walked out. I said, this is a great project. Good luck to you. That was it. I thought, I didn't get this. I get home the next day. I send an email to Robbie. I said, hey, Roger, thank you for putting a word in, you know.

And the agent calls me and says, you know, how's your day going? I said, it's going fine. She said, well, it's going to get a lot better. Got the part. I started to cry. I really did. I could not believe it. I was completely floored.

I honestly really couldn't believe it. I couldn't feel it. It was really weird. And then after that, I sent Roger another email. I said, hey, got the part. Thank you very much for putting a word in. And he sent me an email back and in his own fashion, if you know Roger, he said, oh, shit, man, I knew you had the part. He told me you had the part.

He said he loved your audition. I just don't want to say anything because I don't want to jinx it for you. Of course, I started to cry again. Because just the, you know, it's lovely when you get a job that you audition for. It's love, and that someone, maybe you say, hey, Joe, I know this guy, Jay's seen his good actor. You set me up. We help each other. That's great.

But when you get something for your work and how hard that we work as artists to be who we were, and somebody can see you. Lawrence Olivia had this great quote that said, the worst thing to do is to walk into a room, show people who you are, and for them not to see you. And that's what it's felt like my whole life. And this guy saw me. I went in and I can tell you stories. I was there for three weeks.

It was incredible artistic experience, great people. it's no mistake that this film that I'm cast by a black man that understands what it's like not to be you know whoever it is that you're exactly right for the part you know that you couldn't play just a dad that didn't have anything to do with the mafia you know that you don't always have to not that you don't mind playing those parts

but occasionally yeah you want to do something different I'm always you know and I I don't mind playing gay roles at all but there aren't that many if I had to wait around. I have to work. I want to work. And I'm also an artist. That's what I am first. And he gave me, it was just incredible amount of confidence, incredible amount of leverage and permission. I never did a film where I was shot at. I never did a film where, you know, it was period where you're wearing these costumes and you have to walk a certain way and be a certain way, you know, there was a whole, I walked around different, I moved differently. You know, I probably

couldn't have done this role 30 years ago. But to me, if the movie never even comes out, it's changed me and I hold it in my heart as an opening to my future in this business as an older character actor. And that's what I always wanted to do. I started as an actor, went to being a comedian, then was a host, and then writing and this, did, do that, that, you know, there's 400 things. you do in the business to make a living, whatever it is. And now I'm back to, I think I'm back to where I really, really want to be. And the movie will come out next year. It stars Army Hamilton and Army Hammer and Gabrielle Union, Penelope M. Miller, Jackie Earl Haley,

and all these wonderful people, a lot of them on TV series. And, you know, just, you know, it's also, when you're in an independent film, which I've done a lot of, it's a different experience because, when you're in a real low-budget movie, you know, you'll get some actors that are really new, and you're the guy that's been on the set the longest. Here I work with people that have starred in movies who have had tremendous careers,

who have worked so much more than me. Like, I've done a lot of jobs, but for a short amount of times, it's real different when you're on a set for a couple weeks. You're like a part of the fabric. You're sewn into the embroidery of doing this movie. You're part of the movie family. And it's when you, because to me, the more relaxed you are, the better work you can do as an actor.

Like you said, you have to be there, you know, and I got to do things that I never did before. And trusting the director, because when a director is also the lead in the movie, you know, everything is done in pieces. Because he's in half the scenes that I meant. He was in, I think, I think he was in almost every scene I was in. I was in seven or eight scenes. I think he was in like five of them. It's either him and Army Hammer's in most of the scenes I meant. Who's Army Hammer?

The Long Ranger, the man from Uncle. Oh, Jesus, fucking Christ. That's 10,000, you know, one that he's looking at, I don't know who the fuck Armia. He's in the, look him up. He's in the, uh, he's in the, uh, he's in the, uh, he's in the, fucking here. You're 26. He's in the man from Uncle right now. He's a star.

He didn't even know who Charles Bronson was. Let me give some shoutouts here. Army Hammer, this fucking guy. He's wonderful. Xavier Suarez, happy birthday. Uh, Augie T, I love you, Cocky. Sucka. Tweet the Wave, John Fentros, Keith Dunn, Brady Ferguson, and Brendan Stuff, 23. What do you think of that?

I like it. So this show's shown everywhere, all over the world, I'm guessing. Everywhere. So come see me. If you're in Los Angeles, come see me next week. This week, tomorrow night, is it today, Wednesday? Tomorrow night, which is the 19th, can I say, 20th? I'm going to be at the Long Beach Laugh Factory.

And then a week later, I'm doing my gay show. But I have a couple of straight girls on it. Wednesday, the 26th at the Laugh Factory. And then I'm going to be in Vegas at the Tropicana. I forgot what the date is. Just tell them your webpage. Oh, Jasonstewart.com. That's it.

Send them to the web page and they'll kill it all that. Jason Stewart.com, STU-U-A-R-T. It's funny you were saying that. I did a movie when I first quit Blow in 2007. I got a call and I read for the, I did the table read, and they said we might like a name for that role and I always bumped into the director of here.

That's the hardest, isn't it? And then they got the budget and it wasn't what it said, but they got the names and he goes, if you want it's yours. But the next day when I went in there he goes, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, listen, I know you have a problem. You know, if we do this movie before you say yes, it's

21 days in a row. You have a problem with 21 days in a row? No, no, 21 days in a row because you cannot miss because it's shot in a room. It's about an A.A. meeting. So you're always in the scene. There's no days off on this. The only day off

is Thursday. I would be in heaven. I would be in heaven too. But I had a problem then. With the comedy, the drugs, I didn't know if I could be there every fucking day. So the guy asked me, and I should have called me. I would have done it for you. And I said, absolutely, you know, I did it. And I quit

blow while I was doing the movie. And it was funny, I worked with some great names. Who did you work with? The guy from Deer Hunter, the guy from the fighter. Christopher's... I don't fucking know. What was the film? It was about an AA meeting in... Was it drunks? No, it was about an AA meeting

in Radford that had gotten... They robbed a bank in North Hollywood. This is 40 years ago. Oh. Or something, and they busted into that meeting. What was the movie? Name a movie? Boilermaker. Oh, with Ben Affleck.

No, no, no. And... Oh, no, that's boilerplate. Boiler Room. You were in the maker. I was in Boilermaker, and it was the same thing. I was learning stuff as I was doing the movie every day. And I got $100 a day for the movie. Who cares?

It was a sad, low-budget movie. I've made tons of more money in movies, but that one always stuck with me. So I understood where you were coming from. And the guy told me... I made a lot more than that on this movie. The guy told me, I want you to do whatever you want to do. The point of the story is whether you made a lot of money, you didn't.

This was the movie that really did something for you. I'm really happy I did that movie. Oh, it's changed me. I never got high again, and it was those 20. And I would run home and go to sleep, so I wouldn't go out and get high. I would not call in for spots. The whole time I was on that movie,

it was like, it was Marilyn had died. It was around the time. Maryland died. It was those three weeks, Martinez. Martinez, let's say her name. It was all those three weeks. God bless you. It was just a weird time.

But till this day, I don't care if the movie didn't get released. Do you sit with your feelings? When something hits you, do you sit with it? Yeah. I wear my heart on my sleep, brother. But there's a difference. And this is something I've learned. And I just sort of got it at this age is that we don't, especially men,

especially we're around the same age. So men from a certain time, we will not sit with our feelings because we're told not to. So we won't sit with them. You got the wrong guy. I'm Cuban, though. I sit with my feelings. I fuck him up the ass. I throw them out of the house and I bring them back.

You know how we do it. You don't see. I didn't do it. See, I was always, I always, you know, even the wrong. Remember the song Big Boys Don't Cry. Yeah, no, I cry. I'm like you, though. I break into tears.

Yeah, but don't you? But isn't it painful, though? To me, it's incredibly painful, because I'm always trying to stop myself from crying. And then you have a relief in a way that you did it. But I'm always trying to stop myself. Like, I don't know, who the fuck I think I am. No, fuck it. Let it go.

I'm a fucking man's man's man. Let that shit go. Not me. I for years. You feel better when you do it. You act better later on. Do you have you crying in front of your wife? All the time.

I cry when I talk to her about music, something that fucking inspires the shit out of me. That's probably what she loves about you. I'll grab her and go, come over here. Take a look at this. She'll look at me like, what the fuck are you talking about? I've cried almost twice today. Oh, please.

I was watching Penelopee and Miller's in this performance and Awakenings with Robert De Niro and the time when, I don't know if you remember the movie, there's this time when they dance and he plays this guy that's a fucking great movie. This country does not remember Awakening. Who else was in that? Robin Williams, God bless him.

Big pussy from the Sopranos? And mirror. Was one of the fucking guys in the... Oh, was he? Yeah, he was one of the invics in there. Julie Kavner. Good fucking movie, that's right. Incredible cast.

That's right, that's right. So what are you doing, Cocklick? Are you going home to do what? I haven't seen my mom since December. I thought you went to the uncle's party. That was what you didn't talk. That was in June. They almost took him out of the world.

I'd have called him. Tell him we had to work him. He didn't show for a big Jewish holiday. What you were? Ach poo? It was just my... Achpoo. Uncle's 80th party.

The fucking guy don't show up. They take you out of the will. You know, the Jews strike fast. They just put your name. Fuck that. I'll give it to the fucking black kids fucking son. I haven't seen her since December, so I'm just going to go home for a few years. Right outside of Boston.

Oh, Boston Jews. You're the worst. Oh, I know. It's terrible. It's awful because they're very patrician at the same time. My stepmother's a Boston Jew. I think they're so, so patrician that they're almost not Jewish.

Well, there's a lot of reform Jews, which a lot of real Jews kind of get mad about. Like, there's a thing now that they invented called the Hanukkah Bush, because all the kids... Invented? I had one when I was a kid. Did you really? It was plastic white with blue bulbs. My father took that fucking thing, and the cotton she put on the TV table around it, they looked like snow, and throwed it on the floor until he married his second wife. And they had a whole big fucking Christmas tree.

And I told my mother, she goes, he threw... And this is 20 years later. He threw my goddamn Hanukkah bush out. and now he has a real green tree. Well, fuck him. I said, no, yeah, but my mom, my mom would never, like, she's, I understand what you're saying when you say Jewishly, very spiritually, not spiritually, but the traditions of being. Well, it's not even the traditions. There's a certain culture emotionally of who we are.

It's an ethnicity. It's the fact that my father grew up in the war near the Holocaust. It's the fact that my mother grew up, you know, being beat up in school because she was Jewish. It's the same as Joey and I have a sympatico, especially since we're a similar age. We understand, I can look into your eyes. You can look into mine. We know what we're talking about. I know what you're talking about.

You know, you just went, oh my God, blacks, Jews, Greeks, Latinos, those are my people. I mean, I'm not, when someone says, are you white? No, I'm not a white guy. I may look like a white guy when I walk in, but the minute I talk and my experience, that's not who I am. I don't consider myself a white guy. It's not, I didn't grow up like that. I don't have, you know, white privilege. I would be the way I look, so I say that very respectfully to anybody that doesn't,

because I know that I do because of the way I look. But the minute I started to talk when I was a kid until I got older and lost my gay voice, whatever that is, somebody said I lost it the other day. You don't have the voice anymore. Now you sound like an old angry Jew. Thanks a lot. So from a gay voice to an angry Jew. Well, I just started dating a Mexican girl two years ago.

Thank God. I know it's the best, but I grew up in a time. How much weight did you gain in this relationship? I gained, but I lost 100 pounds, believe it or not. You gained and lost, that's a person. Pretty much, yeah. Oh, my God. But I grew up in a place where it's not even that I didn't, I just didn't know I had white privilege.

And I've been learning through dating her, and then I saw a straight out of Compton yesterday. And it's, I just had no idea. Like, you just, how could you know? And it's, I can imagine also for you, going to interviews like this and having a lot of of gay questions asked. Oh, I'm used to it. But it must get annoying. No, no. You know why?

We have no. No, no, I'll tell you why. Because every time I talk in an interviewer or something, there's somebody somewhere that says, that's me. And it doesn't feel alone. And maybe I'm able to change. This is why I was asking you these questions. And I'm big time,

a big time, I've been in a program. So I'm big time. I'm about service, about giving back. My web series is called mentor. because I started mentoring kids eight years ago, nine years ago, gay kids, straight kids. The whole series, if you want to see that, go to jasonstuartcom, S-U-A-R-T, press the word mentor. And you can see it for free because it's on other places you have to pay.

And I'm very big about giving back and paying it forward and the idea that this is not just about me. I mean, I didn't even get to say the thing, this new thing Black Lives Matter is a big deal to me because I think it's so important that we're not just about me. we start thinking about, I said to my mom, you know, have you read about Back Lives Matter, why do you have to do all this? I said, because it's not just about me. I'm so lucky and so blessed in this world in so many ways that I have to stand up for my black brothers and sisters, especially any black kids, you know, especially black men, you know, under 30 who are now getting so completely demoralized by the police and so many different things in this

country and it changes who people are. It stops brilliant people from being brilliant. It stops people from having a life. I can't imagine if I had a son. If I had a young son now, I would be just crazy. I wouldn't want them to leave the house. I'd be so scared.

Trayvon Martin, all these kids that this happens, this has happened to. And then you hear people talk and say, well, you know, they shouldn't have been doing this. These are kids. some of them. Some of these are children. And if you beat someone up forever,

and then you say, why doesn't he act like this? Then you know. I mean, I grew up with a father who was in the Holocaust. I grew up with that. I know what it does to him. He had like post-traumatic stress. I didn't know what it was then. You knew that this guy had lost something. He lost a piece of himself.

And through this movie, you know, we do this in history. it's a part of who we are. You coming from Cuba, everything that's happened around that is part of you. You know, that we're not treated as equal citizens that will look down upon us if we're not the same, that we don't get the same opportunities, that so many people don't get, I know that if I wasn't, I remember Paul Rodriguez, I absolutely adore him, comes over to me at the Laugh Factory one night. This is how Mentor started the web series.

He comes over me and he says, Jason, God, great said, you know, what happened? How come he never made it? and I looked at him like you know Paul he just says what and comics we all say what comes out of our mouth without thinking

and I looked at me and he saw that I was you know that was really weird and I said what he says he said no I mean how come you never

got a series how come you never you're so this or that and I said who's going to give a gay kid a series in the 80s and 90s when you got yours

no one was going to give me a series I had 10 different producers wanted to do series for me could not get arrested they were not going to give me that I know a couple guys, Mario Cantone, a couple got deals, never got made.

You know, especially if you were somebody that had an opinion, you know, and you weren't completely neutered and, you know, just, you know, a amount. There would be no Roseanne that was gay or Tim Allen that was gay. There would be no characters like this on television. They have their own favorite gay poster people

and they stick with those. Well, there's a certain kind. Right. And a lot of times it's played by a stray person. Do you know any gay couple women or men on television that are played by gay people. Again, you have that dumb stupid look on your face.

Because there are hardly any. I can name a couple, but you don't see it. And they say, well, the best person gets there. How could the best person not be gay to play a gay person on television? In a series, it's different because you're going to play the same role for a long, long, long time.

So it's got to be closer to you most of the time, not always, but most of the time. And if you don't want us to play gay people, then what are we supposed to play? So that's why anybody's listening. You want to be in show business, get fucking good. Get confident, get relaxed, and get really good. Because they're going to test you everywhere for everything.

You know, and there's always going to be another guy that's better than you. That's right. You got to stay on top of your game, cock sucker. Absolutely. Are you an actor? No, no. I've always loved stand-up comedy. I wrote him four or five years ago.

You got the blue apron thing, my brother. Let me give a shout out of this. So we get the fuck out of here. Oh, yeah. Traffic comes over. First off, as usual, on it. I love these guys. The best out there, they start off with the Alpha Brain,

the complete new tropic. Two of these a day, your fucking mind's banging on all cylinders. You understand me? Can you lose weight from it? No. And the best thing about Alpha Brain is 100% guaranteeing we don't want the product back. You think there's a Chinese restaurant that does that shit with their pork fried rice, even though it costs $4.

Do me a favor. Beside Alpha Brain, beside New Mood, beside all the great products they have, they have supplements and ropes and all that. I can't do nothing for you on the battle ropes and the weights, but as far as the supplements, I give you 10% off. Just do me one favor. Go to honor.com right now and press in.

Church. And get 10% off your first order, all right? Number two, Blue Apron. Let me tell you something about Blue Apron. What they do is they send gourmet recipes and all the French ingredients you need right to your house, right to your door. You get home, 5.30, you're tied,

you don't know what the hell you do. You wash your little pussy. You go in the kitchen. You open up the little freezer bag, they tell you, you take the car, out, you take what they tell you, and you cook it. They have two meal plans and family plans. Let me just tell you what the family

plan. I'm in. I'm in. The family plan this week was Parmesan-crusted chicken and shrimp summer vegetable mazaman over fucking ramen. A few people don't know what Mazamam means, tell them, Lee. It's peanut, I believe. That's right. And that's the family plan.

For the two people plan, they got regatoni Putaneska with eggplant oreganoato. They got Tandori-Spice chicken with green lentils and heirloom tomato. with Fontina, real cheese sandwiches. Who's fucking better than you? Let's say you want to impress a girl. Let's say you want to impress a guy.

You fucking can't cook. You invite them to your house. You have Blue Apron send over a box. Bam! There you are. Within 30 minutes, you're cooking a fucking delicious meal. 500 calories or less. Where are you going to get that type of action?

But do me a favor. This is what I'm going to do. They're going to send gourmet recipes right to your door. And for our listeners, you get two free meals for free right off the top. Two free ones right off the top. go to blue apron.com slash Joey. Boom!

And start cooking incredible meals at home with blue apron.com slash Joey, all right? Go to blue apron. com right now. You're going to be fucking really happy you did.

Number two, you're sitting there going, Joey, what's going on? You don't talk about me and these no more. I always talk about me on these. I wear me on these the heavy event I do.

Whether it's the kettlebells, whether the jiu-jitsu, why? They keep your nuts in place and they keep everything cool. You know what I'm saying? You don't want to be out all afternoon. Pick up some guy

24-hour fitness. or some girl, and next thing you know, your nuts smell fucking bad. You don't need the aggravation. With Miandis, it keeps the sweat away from your nuts, that, nice and smooth. They also have women's underwear. They got women's t-shirts. They got men's t-shirts. They got great cut-off shorts.

They got sweatshirts. But do me a favor. It all starts with you. Go to Meandes.com right now. They're running a sale. What are they going to give you a leave? 20% off your first order and free shipping. And free shipping in Canada and the United States.

Where are you going to get that type of sale out, all right? Go to meanddi's. com and press in. Joey. Boom! You get 20% off your first order and everything shipped, whether for free gratis, whether you live in Canada

or the United States, okay? You don't have a gun anymore. If you live in Israel, you get who gots. Now, for the Pierre de la Resistance, you're sitting there going, no, Joey, so what am I going to eat after the fucking Blue Apron? This is what you're going to eat. Naturebox.com.

Nutricious, delicious snacks from the chocolate nom-nom-nom to the sarachi cashews to the French toast granola. I mean, these motherfuckers are bagging. Do you understand me? but it all starts with you. Is this in the commercial? Motherfuckers banging?

This is the way Uncle Joey drops out of these bitches. This is what's going on right now. The first box is on Nature Box. Five bags on the house for you, delivered straight to your door. Yeah, you might have to pay for shipping, but you know what? They're going to send you the first five bags

on the fucking arm on debt. That's how they do it, okay? Via Uncle Joey. So do me a favor. Go to NatureBox. Order your five bags and press in. Go to Naturebox.com. Go to Naturebox.com slash Joey.

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You don't have to get in your car. You don't have to deal with people. It's going to do nothing. Number two, I'm taping a DVD in Vegas, the 19th and the 20th. Whatever night you come out is fucking fantastic. If you're not going to come to Vegas, I'm doing a warm-up show.

September 11th at the ice house at 8 o'clock. The same material I'm saying. At the end, we're going to critique it. It's all up to you, motherfucker. Nobody's ever done something like that. What's a warm-up show? Like just to get the material out. Oh, a workout set.

A workout set. Good. You know, I don't fuck around. That's good. That's always fun to go watch. I ain't got time to fuck around. No, but it's good. It's a beautiful thing.

So come on out. He's gorgeous. New York City got them. September 23rd to the 25th. That's all I got for you. Lee, have a safe flight to Boston. Thank you, buddy. And do me a favor.

Jason Stewart's a good fucking guy. He's a little wackadoo from time to time, but he's a good fucking guy. And he's one of us. He's a street you. There's a big difference. There's these little white, little faggy Jews and hang on in Beverly Hills and they drive a BMW.

They're traders. We're old school fucking Jews. We don't fuck around with enemies. We take what we're in front of us. We pick it up and put it in our pocket because somebody else will. That's an old school Jew. I'm up with the chickens and I go to bed at the fucking

everybody gets mugged. You understand me? Support Jason Stewart. I love this motherfucker. Whatever the fuck. Jason Stewart.com. Jason Stewart.com. S-T-U-A-R-T.

Be careful, cock sucker. I need you here Monday morning. I'll understand. Okay, cock suckers. You don't show up Monday more. Bless you. Oh, I think you were talking to me. You're calling him a cocksucker?

I'm going to give you a Cosby pill. He doesn't like you unless he calls you a coxor. I'm going to give you a Cosby pill and drop you off at Jason Stewart's with fucking chaps on. It's my fantasy. He's going to rub some jewel. I want a dead guy at my house. That's what I want.

Jason, I love it. I want a guy that's a lot. Thank you very much for being a great comedian. Thank you for keep doing what you're doing. And thank you for educating me because I wanted to be educated today. And you kind of educated me. So we're going to put you back on. to get more, I'm going to come with more questions for you.

Okay. Because I feel we have a bond. I didn't carry a gun for years. So, you know, same thing. I'm so glad you don't have a gun. When you're young, I always wanted to figure this stuff out, but we're out of time. Coxucker, I love you. My brother, Jason Stewart, I love you.

He doesn't call me a cocksucker. And I love to do your podcast. Yes, we'll set up a date. All right. Thank you very much, guys. Don't forget. Whatever. I love you, motherfuckers.

Have a great weekend. We'll be back Monday. Love you, motherfuckers. Say blacker than black. Say, yeah. That too. This show is brought to you. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron Breeder.

There was still hash in there. Go to Blue Apron.com. Blue Apron sends you gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Now that the show is over, don't forget to go to go. to naturebox.com and sign up to get your samplerbox on them.

Go to naturebox.com slash Joey and you get your sample box on them of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. That's naturebox.com. Also, go to Onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all their great optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shrumb Tech. export code word church to get 10% off and go to meundies.com slash joey and get 20% off of all the great products like their underwear men's underwear women's underwear t-shirts pants you get 20% off your first order and you get free shipping in the united states in canada