The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #312 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: August 28, 2015

Matt Fulchiron, Comedian, and Host of the "Full Charge Power Hour" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey for a free trial box.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 08/27/2015.
   Music:
 One Of These Nights - The EaglesRooster - Alice In Chains

What is that? These things. You fucking mix this with some meth. Yeah. I got about you. You do a couple lines. You snort these things. This show is brought to you by naturebox.com.

Go to naturebox.com slash joey, and you're going to get your first box of naturebox snacks on them. Naturebox.com slash Joey, and only if you act fast. They have great snacks, barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash joe, and you get your first box of naturebox snacks on them. Show is also brought to you by meundies.com. Go to meundies.com slash joey and get 20% off of your first order of men's and women's underwear. They have t-shirts, socks, sweatpants. You get 20% off of your first order and they give you free shipping in the United States and Canada.

And go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products, Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport, and it's Code Word Church to get 10% off. Just like that, Don Felder's smoother than a motherfucker back in the mid-70s. Here you go. The album before it is. Yeah. It's like very country-ish.

Right. They were cowboys on the cover. And then this motherfucker joint. Yeah. Yeah. Crack that league. Oh shit. Get it.

You're going to suck it, pretty mama. Oh shit! The church of what's happened now. Thursday. Kick that league. August 27. The day the devil was molested. Oh, they literally getting all fucked up there.

He's feeling it's 3,000 milligrams. It's down to like a thousand. You probably did 500 each of the past two episodes? Yeah, we did 500 on Monday for sure. Oh, well, you did way over 500 with those. I was laughing at that poor. guy's face. What's going on, my brother?

Everything, man. Always a pleasure to have more. Matt Fultron on to celebrate his new fucking car. It's over. Last time he were here, I didn't know if you had a car or not. You made me feel bad. Oh, you know, don't feel bad. There was always a Chrysler 300 C

coming in the future. I never felt bad about it. I could tell other people. I was in this town without a car for like a year and a half. It was, I was telling you guys, I came out in 84. And I wanted to work. of mine said I'd get a job working for the phone company. And I came here and I got directions.

And the guys like, yeah, you take the bus downtown. Then you got a transfer and go up to Pico and whatever. Once he said transfer, I was like, I'll take one bus. But once you get involved in two or three transfers, I didn't want to work. That was based on your East Coast knowledge. Imagine you didn't even realize that West Coast transportation, or at least L.A. transportation is shit. Well, I knew at 19.

I had traveled, and I remember going to Arizona. I remember going to Tempe to visit a buddy of mine from high school. I went to Miami growing up, you know, growing up all those years. But then as an adult, I went to Miami, like 18, 19, and that was another place. It was too complicated. Northeast, Southwest, fuck you. I know straight up. You know what I'm saying?

Give it to me in streets. Broadway, Amsterdam, fucking whatever, whatever, whatever, first avenue, second avenue. I got to have a fucking compass. I got to be a Boy Scout with a fucking scarf and you know northwest, southeast. So I knew that wasn't for me. I knew that wasn't going to work. It takes me a year.

They got accustomed to all the directions. And then I came out here to visit my uncle, I'm going to the beef with him, and it was too spread out. Yeah. This little train saves a lot of people. But I got to tell you something. That fucking train petrifies the shit out of me.

The underground train? Just one here in L.A. Yeah. And I don't give it for what they tell you. it's got springs if there's an earthquake listen if there's an earthquake the door's locked and you're stuck with just so much fucking air no you're dead down there

if there's an earthquake I'm pretty sure if you get stuck down there there there's no cell phone coverage down there and there's no fucking security either the place is kind of a risk and there's people right now in the next couple of days we'll be sitting on the train listening to this podcast going what the fuck is this guy spooking me out right now I know

I smoked a joint on the way here I was always I didn't know what to expect on a New York train. You know, I knew I was going to have a fun time since I was a kid. I knew I always had a fun time on the train. But it's different, I think, especially East Coast, because Boston has a train too. And people know how to behave. Like, every once in a while you get a crazy person.

But, like, if the train stops, people just mind their business, Paula was on the train here, and it would stop for, like, five minutes. And people were opening the doors in the middle. Like, they were just going to get out and walk on the tracks. I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, yeah, they were just, they were sick of waiting. I was like, that's not what happened. happens when a train stops.

No. I think they're just not used to it out here yet. They're used to it when a fucking crashes into them after it starts back up. Oh, geez. That's ridiculous. Walk on that big rail. The third one. Something about being a young man and taking a train up to Harlem to cop weed or drugs or put a bed in or whatever stupidity I used to do as a young man.

Yeah. I really dug it. I really gave me a sense that I was an adult, you know, running the train when I was 15 and 14. I knew the A train. It was Broadway all the way down. You can't miss. That's the only train. A couple trains to the Yankee Stadium, that Bronx train.

Yeah. I didn't go to Yankees. I just knew that train. Right. A couple. I used to take a train to, you could take a train to Kennedy. Mm-hmm. They made a big ad.

The train to the plane. And then they had a... I've taken a train to the Mets games. Okay. It takes you right to the fucking Mets game. Like in Boston. I'm sure that the Metro goes, whatever. Do you remember the first time we took the train by yourself?

If I'm All right So I moved to Jersey when I was 10 And I got to tell you It had to be before that Definitely I probably took a train From like

I didn't tell my mother You know I didn't tell my mother Because I used to always Go up to 143rd And you know In those days If you want to get music

You had to go to like 100 street Or 130 you know So you always had a walk But if you get a token In those days We jumped the rails Yeah

Of course You go under You're short enough Yeah Hop a turn stop I had to be under 10 the first time. It's fun. Especially when I grew up in Boston.

It's not like New York or Jersey where it's like right there. Like you have to get dropped off. It was like a 30-minute ride to the train. It's a lot of fun. It's freeing, especially in that big of a city. As soon as you get on the train, it's all open to you. And let me tell you, that Jersey, New York train is not a bad train. The people who don't know it.

Right. I've taken it. Now, I'm not, don't quote me on this. I know 10 years ago when I was on the road full time, I took a thousand trains out of Penn Station. Yeah. I think it was Penn Station. At the end of every train, there's a bar, like before you get on the train.

Uh-huh. And you get like a drink, a bloody merry, a vodka tonic, what the fuck you're drinking that day? And you get a newspaper or soda, you know, for people who drink. I would just be stoned with a fucking, not an iPod. This is Walkman days. Walkman. I'm old old school, Walkman. But I've taken the train from the Jersey Shore all the way to Hope Oakland to New York.

that's not a bad train. Right. And I heard the train from LA to San Diego isn't bad. I thought Lee did it. I haven't done it yet, but it's really expensive. Like it's getting up there to like 40, 50 bucks each way. Each way. So at that point, it's not even worth it.

Well, when you consider gas and the traffic you're going to sit in? That's true, I guess. Full charge is calling it worth it. I'll tell you. LA to San Diego is a shit drive. It's a shit drive. It's a shit drive. And Lee, tell the boy.

How long did it take us to get back that night? Just leaves my way. Probably under hour and a half, like right around a narrowed guess. After midnight, you run that fucking road. And I told me, Lee, it's going to be between 90 and 100 the whole way. You prepared? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He thought I was fucking around.

I got him down on to come home. That daytime drive just blow. My brother got delayed yesterday at the airport. Called me and said, you know what? I'm starting to think you're right. We're taking the first flight out. Joe Rogan got stuck yesterday. to say four hour delay

at LAX. That two o'clock flight, those two o'clock flights torture. Yeah. Always till let me tell you something. You get delayed from two to five at LAX. Yeah. You get pissed. It's awful. My boy here bailed, he got his luggage. It's something about getting stuck at LAX

and they come to you and you go, four hours. There's nothing I could do. If I call Lee, my fucking Gumbah and said, come get me. It's not take him 40 minutes to come get me. And what are we going to do? What the fuck what are we going to do? And then when you don't call them and the flight's delayed again, now you're steaming. Yeah. You're steaming now. You're like, what the fuck?

I'm 10 minutes from my house. And they won't tell, like, I got delayed a little bit coming back from Boston and the app told me which flight was coming in to get me. And it was like, there was like those hurricanes on the East Coast. I was worried all week. But then, like, it was like, an hour and a half late coming from Chicago on a fine night. But they, and they won't tell you anything and they just say it's just terrible but it's the issue with the early morning flight is when you're booking it when you

see seven in the morning you just don't want to be up at four in the morning that you need to have something where people if they try to click at your face pops it'll be like take the early morning flood listen man this is my psychology on this point though okay all right so I gotta go to Toledo yeah

all right this is the decision I'm making run I gotta go to fucking Toledo it's a Friday Saturday room. You ever do it? To leave a fun of the room. Supposedly really cool. It's a Friday, Saturday room. They want me in for Thursday night press. I got a couple options, but the viable option

is leaving here at 2 o'clock. For me to leave here at 2 o'clock, what time they've got to be there? 1 o'clock. You know what kind of driving that is? I'm fucking 4.05. So the dilemma I have is, you know what? Just I'm never here Thursday anyway? I'm just going to take

the 6 a.m. because I'd rather fucking, it's going to take me three hours to do this when the 6 a.m. I've got to be there at 5. That's a fucking, that's a playground for Uncle Joey. Yeah.

I get in the HOV like a motherfucker and I fucking, I put the baby seat up. They think they're like a little baby in the back. And there was no traffic at, you know, 4 a.m., 4.30, it's 30 minutes. I rather do that 30 minute sentence than do that sentence.

then do that sentence, I got to leave my house at 11.30, it'd be down there at 1 o'clock. And it ain't delayed that much in the morning. It's never delayed. Not the first one out of you. You'll get a text. That'll say, hey, boom.

If I wake up and there's a text American Airlines or one of those, there's a problem. Oh, I got upgraded. You know what I'm saying? I got upgraded to the upgrade like a motherfucker. Either a problem or a solution. Oh, solution.

Coming at you. But you, do you ever get, because whenever I'm going to LAX, I always leave more than an hour because sometimes that security lines out the door at LAX. But you usually go through the, even when you're not in priority, something like you just walk through. Even when I'm not in priority, I'm in priority.

You got to make yourself a priority. A priority because by the time you get up there, what are going to say? Get out of the line? Right. No, they're not. Give me your ID. What are you talking about? Yeah.

What are you talking? The lady told me to come in here. What are you talking? And you start grazing your, all right, right, right, right. And boom, you go in. That southwest thing, where they have the place. players club and they have like fucking mutts. And you look and there's 10,000 muts

and there's three players. Really? Really? You got on the player line. You don't know nothing. But you're there every week. You never worried you're going to get like found out? You don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. What are you talking about? Me last week? I haven't been to the airport in 10 fucking years. I was talking to Tom Sigur and he said the first time he met you, you had just been on a plane

and were fighting with somebody in the seat in front of you? Columbus. And I'm carrying. In those days, you know, I'd have fucking an ounce of weed. Yeah. I didn't think I'd leave L.A. Oh, I would leave for four days with an ounce.

God forbidding I cut short one day. That was a different, Joey. That's when Rogan shot the special in Columbus. And I got on this plane, and here's a funny thing. I saw that guy a year later on a flight to Columbus. No shit. He's some Hollywood guy. He's a Hollywood guy.

Not an actor. He's like a producer, a director. And these guys, they leave L.A. and they don't get, they still have that entitlement. And, well, I was, listen, man, I'll tell you when I'm a fucking cunt. I was a gentleman to this guy. I asked him nicely, and he looked at me and turned his head, so then I pushed the seat up. And then he ran out and got to store this on his side.

Yeah. I'm a nice guy, so when I got there, the cops were waiting for me. Uh-huh. And I told the cops the truth. I said, listen, I fly all the fucking time. I'm working for the UFC, you know, what the fuck? And they're like, okay, you know, misunderstanding. Guess what?

A year later, I'm sitting in fucking first class on this side. Yeah. And he's got an hour and I got an hour. So he's in one E and I'm in one D or whatever. Right, right, right across the aisle. So every time he looked at me, I'd give him like the fuck. I would giggling the whole flight. Do you recognize you?

Oh, yeah. Come on. Come on. You're not going to forget Joey Diaz. No. That's mad flavor in a seat next to you. He pissed me off because nothing. All he had to do was trying on and go, oh, the chair was broken.

Right. Sometimes you put your chair back and it's fucking broken. And he knew it. This is what pissed me off. He even turned around and looked at it and was trying to pull it up himself. So when I just said to me, just pull it up a little bit more. This will work out. He got country.

He got all of a sudden. He was like, I'm not fucking turning around. That's the second. One time in Newark, I had it out with some Germans or some Austrians. They told me to shut my phone. Remember those, you know, there's people who actually believe you got to shut your phone off. Right, right, right, right. The pilot says there's three phones still on.

You're like, oh my God, he don't know. You fucking dummy, if he knew what seat am I in, bitch? Call the seat, motherfucker. He's just playing with you. Yeah, of course. But you're a pussy. You watch CSI and believe it. They found the hair in the window.

Oh, they didn't. They didn't find no fucking hair. They just profiled your ass. There's 22 fucking hairs in each test is $10,000. After three hairs, they're going to deliver all the same hairs. They belong to the Chinese guy. Yeah. This ain't no fucking poor.

I leave my phone on now. Like, I try to get, because I have a buddy's dad who flies every week, and when he told me, it was like, go-go, all those things are going off of cellular towers. So every once in a while on a flight now, I'll just check to see if I can get 3G, and I've gotten it before. I've gone to fly back from Boston, I was able to check the map and see where we were, because the plane was like 20 years old and didn't have the little maps. And no plane's ever gone down, and they're like, it was a cell phone. Well, private jets.

You don't see private jets. jet saying you can't use your phones? I'm sure. Like, what's the difference? They don't. You're right. I know, I've never flown on one, but I'm assuming they're not telling Beyonce that you can't use your... Well, I have, Lee, and it's fine. You've flown on a private jet? Yeah. What is it like? I'm the full charge, man. So, he don't fuck around.

It's like flying in a commercial except way, way, way, way better. Security's still, bitch, though. Sike. No security. No security? No security. Nothing. You come on looking like fucking Rambo. them shirt, a mazuka, a knife. Yeah, and you feel like you're in Led Zeppelin. You've flown private, Joey? One time.

What is it like? What I just said? It just depends the situation. It just must be amazing. And I'm sure it gets old after a while, but just not have, like, just even being on a private jet, even if it was packed with 30 people, I'd be like, that's pretty cool.

When I got the longest yard, they called me and said, I got it. Congratulations, this is your deal. We don't know to start dude date. They hung up the phone. Within two hours, they called back and said, okay, are you available Tuesday at 10 a.m.? Yeah, okay. Table read at Sony. All right.

Then I didn't hear from the whole weekend. Then Tuesday, Monday they called. They're like, hey, I'm going to ask your question. Are you available to leave Tuesday after the table read? And I'm like, yeah, where are we going? And they kept down SFO. So for three days, I'm like, I'm going to a training camp in San Francisco. You got to go training camp and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and blah, blah, and blah, okay.

Tuesday morning I wake up and they're like, be packed. You know, like, you're going away for a while. Right. Okay, bring everything you need, bring prescriptions, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, okay. Bring your weed up. Bro, I had. Listen to what I had, guys.

When I booked the longest yard. Yeah. Between me and my wife. Yeah. I had a $20 bill, I had a half a pack of Marlboro lights, and I had maybe a joint a half. Yeah. And I didn't know what was going to happen. Right.

I went to the store on the corner, and I got fives, and I tipped a limo drive at $10. Yeah. When I got to Adam Sandler Productions, I had $10, $10, $12, and a joint a half. Yeah. And now the limo pulls up in front of my house. I kissed my wife I don't know I kissed the cats There was no kid I get in there

Right Now the whole time I'm assuming LAX Right Yeah What do I fucking know Guy picks us up Takes us to the fucking

Sony studios We go up to stay I get there Adam Sandler's outside With shorts A t-shirt A backwards hat on And a fucking guinea t-shirt

Like an orange guinea t-shirt Yeah carrying people's luggage Right So right now All this shit is happening to me Okay all this shit is happening to me.

I'm like, this isn't happening. Right. He's like, come on, Joey. Let me help. Oh, I love your stomach. And he's telling me on the walk. This is the first day I really meet him. He's telling me how he loves my stomach

because his father had a stomach like this. He just died. And he goes, so during him filming, I'm going to rub your stomach for good luck. I used to sit in my dad's stomach. I'm going, what the fuck is he talking about? It's like the first thing he's saying here. I don't give a fuck, really. He's carrying my fucking luggage up the stairs.

We walk into a room. It's like a fucking. three room with a long table like Congress and different people are scattered and I see Bert Reynolds and I see Turley, the guy who played Turley the Indian, I don't know who the fuck he is

and I see Romanoski and I'm like Oh yeah, and I see Michael Irvin and I knew Michael Irvin from the best damn sports He's like, yeah, what's going on? And so now I had a home. Now people are like all right, this guy's cool, he knows Michael Irvin and in the middle of all this I look and there's a little tiny guy at the table and it's that

dude, warriors And right there, that's it. God could have been in the room. This is the guy. For lawyers. For more years. And I'm like, this isn't happening. And they're like, before the table read, they're catering it.

And I mean chickens and prime ribs with lights and a guy with a hat clotted for you. And you're like, if they only knew I was a felon. And that I robbed people 10 years ago. They only knew. And they're telling me if I want to. And then what's her name walks in? The only woman in the movie. There was two.

Corner Cox. No, that one who played the prison guard. The old lady, that was a comeback, guys. The fucking old lady that's in the show on Fox now. She's been around for 80 fucking years. Not Betsy White, but the other one, Betty White, whatever her name is. I don't know. I'll look it up.

And once I saw her, I thought it, I knew it was real. Right. We did the table read. She gets up. She moons everybody in the room. She does. And she walks out to a stand. standing ovation. That's it. It's all right. Right. And all of a sudden, Adam goes, calm down for one second. I'm giving you your assignments. There's going to be cars outside.

Cloris Leachman. Moves the whole fucking room with boys. He's the only woman in the room. So now we finish and I'm like, what now? And they're like, okay, this is what's going to happen? There's going to be cars outside. Your luggage is going to be carried to that car. Get in the car. You're going to be taken to the airport. And as in the way down, I go, fuck, we're going to hell. L.A.X. 12 o'clock, I'm like, L.A.X. Shit. This is an Adam Sandler movie. You're going to Van Nuys Airport. Absolutely.

I'm like, oh, my God. And my heart's beating, and I'm thinking about La Bamba. Yeah. My first big movie, I'm going to die. My plane's going to go down. Yeah. And when I get there, the plane I flew was me, the Indian, Nick Tatura. And I think it was one of the wrestlers.

That was my first experience in a four-man plane. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never, ever have I been. I thought it was going to get sick. Right. I was really ashamed that, oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm going to get fucking sick in this fucking plane.

Well, you thought you were going to puke? Yeah. Is that happening you a lot? No, but when I was a kid on commuter flights, like when we go to Puerto Rico, you land in San Juan and take a little plane somewhere else. Oh, my God. Barfarin everywhere. Oh, okay. Now, how many private planes have you been on?

That's a good. You know, maybe somewhere close to eight. Damn! I think. And they have like a waitress up there with fucking... It wasn't that... Elaborate? It wasn't that elaborate or luxurious.

But, you know, they offer you snacks and stuff. Yeah, now that you mention it, there was a... On a cross-crunchy flight, there was a, hey, do you want something to eat? Yeah. And they're making sandwiches and stuff. Yeah, you're right, Joe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because my friend flies and he goes that what they do is it's not really that expensive.

That sometimes if you... There's something... way that you go to. They have a sign up by the Van Nuys Airport. I used to live up there. It's like something like 20 grand from here in New York. So if you're going to, if like you have a big company where you're going to pay first class for a bunch of like businessmen, it could be pretty worth it if you're going to bring

enough people. Yeah. True. 20 grand there and back. That means, listen, to get a first class ticket to New York, it's two grand. Right. Every time I look at New York, I just look at the cheap flights, but I look at $3,500 dollar flights to Kennedy from LAX to walk into that special terminal.

You know, American has like a special terminal you walk into, and they give you orange juice, and they throw peanuts at you, and they have a harmonica on guy, and the guy's barefoot, and he's singing Natalie Portman songs and shit. You think I'm fucking kidding you. And then they take you up to a special elevator. A lot of people don't know that about American. That's how Joe Rogan flies. Yeah.

He fucking, so his plane got stuck about a month ago in Miami. there was hurricanes and shit and he had to come home that and pimp rent to the private plane. He goes, he went and got a steak at the best steak house in Miami and they, him and the kids he goes, the kids loved it. Yeah, make the best of it. If you get stuck in Miami,

just get a private plane. Just get a private plane. I always tell people this. Yeah, get some cocaine. I have a fucking private plane and drive around in circles. There's no dog sniffing at the private plane. I watched the 70s on CNN and they were talking about all these

shit. Did you watch that? No. I have a series. Now next is the 80s. Tom Hacks produces it. Very fucking strong. Oh, okay. It cuts through the chase.

Right. On the episode I watched, the 70s, they told him about music and how the United States and England and all of a sudden, the guy goes, we just did a poll in England, and the Beatles are not the number one band. Mm-hmm. The number one band are, and the guys like Fumbling, the lead Zeppelin, and all of the son. And they're just playing and they're showing like a collage of all their music. And they go, these guys landed in 1969.

By 73, they had the same plane Nixon was touring in with a fireplace, a 20-foot bar and something else in there. A fucking fireplace. And a couple 14-year-old girls, let's face it. No, no. Jimmy Page was a, he was a prick. They just had some on the Internet months ago about people who, with disgusting people that you'll never know.

And the story by Jimmy Page was he kidnapped the 14-year-old and dragged her across the country, you know, I'd fucking pistol whip there and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. And these guys are famous for putting a big fish in somebody's vagina, too.

You know that, right? Like a baby shark. A baby shark. Listen, man. Want a whole lot of love. Listen, man, you know, in 1973, we did $2 billion in

music ticket sales. Wow. That was Led Zeppelin, the Stones, the Who, you know, you name it. Everybody was on the road. John. John was killing it in

1973. He was the Michael fucking Jackson. Jackson's. He wrote the book. Everybody else followed his fucking lead in 73. Did you know? Are people crazier now, or is it just with social media, it's more in our face? What do you mean crazier? Just like, that sort of

shit like dragging a 14 year old across the country and now like the Jared Fogel thing happens. It's just like I'd say that might be more crazy back then. You weren't going to get caught. Well, all right, here's the deal. For you to find out, unless 20 people got machine gunned in the fucking head. Yeah. At a concert the night before. You didn't know what happened until three days later. Okay, so let's pretend Led Zeppelin played in New York on Monday, whatever. Today, there's camera people there. There's reporters. And there was always one guy that doesn't get enough drugs or something that's going to go on this line and say,

look, Jimmy Page is traveling with a 14-year-old fucking girl. You could do that now and get busted out. Yeah. Back then, nobody gave a fuck. Even if they did know, did you see Led Zeppelin's manager? Did you ever see the song, I mean, is the same? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's six-foot-five, yeah, yeah, yeah, 400 pounds.

Right. He's cursing, calling people cunts in New York. Yeah. You think I'm kidding you. It's the best. It's the best. It's the fucking best. when he finds out that, because what the

mafia was doing was taking the Led Zeppelin's shirts the night before and printing a thousand. Like they'd send Lee, Lee, go to the concert and fucking Boston tonight and go get a t-shirt. This is how fast they worked in those days. Oh, shit. And you went to Boston

and got a t-shirt. Okay? And then you came and you printed a thousand of those fucking things. They were just straight up copy their shirts. Okay? So now all these shirts are copyright and the feds it and everything's Beautiful. Only one thing. I'm the floor manager.

He comes to me and says, listen, it's Led Zepam. I'm going to be there five minutes. Let's put two guys a night in there. So what we do is we set up our own booth. Nobody knows none. Right. There's fucking, I don't know how many floors that matters to square.

I don't know how many people selling shit. You just sell up your own fucking booth. Right. And they ain't going to catch them until somebody comes over and says, hey, let me see your license and registration. you're going to go, hold on, it's right here, and put a hundred in their hand, they're going to keep fucking walking in those days.

So you just made, you know, and here's the beauty. They're not costing you $10. I'm selling them for $8. That word's going to get out. Right. By the time it gets out on, because you're not going to drop your prices to a Wednesday.

In those days, Led Zeppelin did five nights in your fucking town. Yeah. I mean, that's how they stole. So he found out that they were setting up stands. Yeah. What the fuck is this shit? He went nuts. You know, there was a story that in one...

There was a guy in the Gambinos. This is a true. That was on the board of directors of one of those chains. Yeah. New bombs or some off chain of supermarkets. Okay. But the guy's real gig was heroin. He moved heroin in big books.

But his other gig for the mafia, how he kept tight with the mafia was, he knew the guy that put construction up and one day he called him up and he goes we have an idea go to each fucking supermarket and build the stand

identical to the other checkout stands that goes directly in our pocket this guy went out what are you talking about they set up shop in the grocery store set up shop in the grocery store get their own stand with the conveyor about the line number one the whole fucking thing

he had the guy on the contract. He put them in one of those in each supermarket, 12 supermarkets, and everything that runs through that register in 12 supermarkets every day goes in the mafia's pocket. And like the manager didn't realize there was They don't care. Nobody asks questions because it's union. I'll break your

fucking scope. You don't want to find out the answers. You've got three kids and you're getting 26 an hour plus you're stealing 300 a night. You don't think I know? But there's a stand. What do we do with the fucking thing at the end of the night? Nothing. Leave them the register. Leave the money in the register. We'll take the cash out. We'll leave 50 overnight. A big mafia

guys, the cashier? It's fucking craziness. Oh, my God. No, they probably find everything you were looking for. No, no. They put a plastic. They probably put a chick in there and charged the supermarket chain. They're not going to fucking pay nobody going there to click you out.

Oh, my God. It's fucking guys. You have no idea. What year was this? This is in the 70s. Oh, geez. 60s, late 60s. Back when America was America. Back when you could still make you living your way. Back when people made 15 an hour, so nobody was upset if you stole.

Do you understand me? If you steal, that's your business. When you're paying me 8 an hour and I'm working double ships and you're finding every way to rob from me, that's when you're fucking America. When I was a kid, you made 12 bucks an hour, 15, 18, 18, 22, fuck it. They lowered it. And all of a sudden, they just loaded. Well, minimum wage has always been minimum wage.

Yeah. I'm talking about what a person wants to look in the eye and pay you. Gotcha. Now, if I have a construction company, I have to pay workers' comp. Any of those things. So that's what people don't realize. If I'm paying you 15 an hour, I've got to dip 15 an hour into workman's comp. That means I'm really paying you 30 an hour.

That means you have to do $30 an hour worth to work for me to make money. I got to charge 55 for you. Right. You follow me? So when somebody comes to me and they want to hang fucking 10 lamps, I'll charge them my rate 185, but I'll send you down there to hang the 10 lamps. Because you can do it.

Don't take no fucking genius. I used to hang lamp these fucking things. On a scaffold when I was 21 years old, on six weeks of training. It's drilling, butterfly things, hang the fucking light, zipping, connector-wise, and turn the fucking light on.

Merry Christmas. Having a little bit of a panic attack thinking about doing that on scaffolding right now? No, it was just one. It was a low. It was like a garage. It was a low scaffold. I was trust me. Oh, okay. You're like climbing up skyscrapers.

Fuck you. I've never been a scaffold guy. After the second floor, fuck you. I tried in 81. You don't eat your lunch up top of the World Trade Centers? No. No. A little beans?

No. That shit makes me nervous just looking at it, to be honest with you. Trying to get a lid off a thermos. When I lived in Snowmassville, they were building this fucking thing. And it was like six fucking floors. and they had scaffold that went all the way around. Like they were doing sections. So in there, I went up there.

And I go, listen, man, can I get a job? And the guy's like, the only job I have is scaffold breakers and downers. And I go, fuck it. I go, listen, but I'm scared of heights. He goes, tell them. And just go up to the second floor and handle the stuff down. Yeah. Fuck you.

Fuck you. I went up there. They had me on the third floor. Yeah. You know, putting the shit down, putting two pieces of wood, getting on top of the wood. And up to the third floor Now you're by yourself really on two pieces of wood No way

Find out who you are No way I told that guy I gotta go home for lunch and never came back Usually I go back a week later and tell him I got sick And I need my paycheck And they gave me like 30 bucks I didn't even go back and ask I was scared looking at the fucking building

Was he like my guys eat their lunch on the scaffolding Oh fuck you And then I had another buddy And he was with me in Boulder In Aspen And he went back to Jersey is he, because he knocked up his girlfriend, and he was in charge of the window washers at the World Trade Center. Nope.

And they had the contract of all those buildings. God damn, that's a lot of windows. So he would work in three different. Bro, it's year-round. You're on a scaffold. Yeah. So all you do is go to the same scaffold, press the button, go to the eighth floor, and just wash windows all day until 12 o'clock. Bing, you go upstairs, you eat a sandwich, one o'clock you go back, you do the other side.

By the time you're done with one side of six months, you're just working on a fucking building. So wait, you're not on like the moving up and down thing? You're on like actual scaffolding? On washing the windows, you're on the scaffolding with the button that levels you up. Okay. So it's not like actual pieces of wood with the metal. No, no, no, no, but still, listen, after the third floor, I got no business being there, unless I'm Batman.

Unless I'm Batman or a pigeon. If you're not a pigeon, you don't believe it. You don't belong on the fourth floor. Fuck you. No, I don't like that Walking around on Heights. And I did it when I worked on a roof. Then I got a job on the room.

How did you do roofs then? Because by the time those ladders are connected to the buildings. It's commercial roofing. Okay. So all you do is back your truck up, put like a ladder, Puerto Rican rig it up. Yeah. And close your eyes and climb that one and then go up the other three. Close your eyes.

Yeah, because that's all you could do. Because if you fall off a fucking ladder. You don't want to see it. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. Are you okay with like roller coasters? I like those, but I can't do like the Heights thing by itself. Let me ask you something.

Almost the last time I told you I was fucking sitting in traffic before I was to go on a roller coaster. You like roll-up. If there's no traffic and if you're next to a roller coaster, you go on. The dread of my life is having to take my daughter to Disneyland in a year. It's coming up. And be like all these people that wait on line for 45 minutes per ride. Just to get scared as well. I'll go.

I'll ride. My daughter won't sit there. No, I don't know what kids do. I don't know what you do. What do you do? Give them cotton candy and hold them that. Nothing you can do. I dread all that shit.

Well, is she tall enough to get on those... Like, don't bring her if she can't get on the big rides. I don't know. What the fuck you think I go to... I haven't been in Disneyland. I'm 52. 45 fucking years. No.

Last time I'm on this 10. What the fuck do I have business? Well, not even Disneyland, but like six flags are the good roller coasters like that. Like, the fastest. I don't know. I like that. Like, listen. I like those rollerco-I like those Disney's and those other places.

because you know me, I'm a Cuban Jew. I'm always thinking of the bottom half. Something happens here. You're collecting a big paycheck or you go on fucking Twitter and tell them how the thing broke. You go on 60 minutes, whatever. You fall out one of these Puerto Rican fucking carnivals. You deserve what you get. You're a fucking moron.

If the pipe lands on your head and you're fucking retarded after that, you deserve it. Because there's one this week in North Hollywood Park. They're setting up right now. There's one this week. They have a money. Those are scary. Those are scary. Those are scary. You ever see the people without working those things.

Yeah, they're called carnies and they're garbage. Oh, my God, those people. That's the only time I ever got sick on a roller coaster. I used to date a girl that said that she was on that. She was like, my ex-boyfriend is a carny. We lived together. This was in Boulder. You could tell this girl I've been in the head with a pipe like four times.

She didn't shave her armpits. But she was fucking beautiful. But that's what she did for like three years. We quit college together. We were in love and went to work for a carnival, slept on the floor, and other people watched us fuck. That's a great career. Jesus Christ. Walking around with dirty feet, grease on your hands and shit.

It's disgusting. That's one of the few times I thought I was really going to die. I went on this thing called the Super Duper Looper. Because I was at the real like King's Dominion, which is like a Six Flags in Virginia. And I could go on all this upside down shit. I fucking loved it. I wasn't scared of any roller coasters. So I go on the Super Duper Looper at the St. Mary's County Fair in Maryland. And there's these fucking meth heads are just holding. holding it upside down. And there was no good seatbelts in it. Like there was seatbelts, but they weren't really that good. Me and my brother thought we were going to fucking die. No joke. Because the windows were, like, open.

Like, we thought we were just going to fucking die right there on that fucking farm field. I got stuck on a Geronimo, and it did the same thing. It turned the upside down, and then the other way. And I just, I got it. That was the only time I ever puked. Now, let's get something straight. I'm not Johnny Rotton. Before I left Jersey, I was always a great adventure down.

them, right? Why is Air Force based on that? Always. Twice a fucking month, sometimes, three times and some of me, The Undertaker, the Assemblyman, Veneery. I remember we double-dated. Me, Veneery, Tizio, and she brought a girlfriend that had a mustache for Veneery. He almost had a heart attack. The whole drive, he kept looking at me.

What are I doing with the mustache? Nothing. Pick it up. When she's sucking your dick, call it Tony. What are you bothering me, father? I used to love all that shit. And I went on rides, but I was never the big roller coaster, the three in a tube spinning around. I'm not anymore.

After you get a certain age, it's like, what the fuck are you doing that for? You see enough BET comedy? You know, you get made fun of if you're white, if you jump out of airplanes and shit. I'm not into that shit anymore. And also, I saw the people that work there, even though it's better than a carnival.

It's still like, these guys don't give a fuck. I know, like, they still don't, like, check the seatbelt that hard or anything like that. I don't trust it as I get older. Like I said, the Puerto Rican Carnival I'm not even going. The food's bad. Everything's bad.

Yeah. That one just, and no disrespect to Puerto Rican people. I'm just saying, you know, I'm just saying, you're just saying. You're not.

But the fucking, the good parks, I like the good parks. I just don't like the, like in Jersey, for example, in October, they offered you deals

because it was cold that. Only animals go to amusement park when it's cold that. Me. Because you're just walking through fucking things. In those days,

we get a bottle of booze, towards the end, Before I left Jersey, 18, 19, we got a bottle of booze and go to Great Adventure. Now you're talking. A smoke a number, right there, Great Adventure. Even greater adventure. Paul and I are going next weekend for the... To where?

The L.A. Fair is coming? Where is it? I have no idea. You going to L.A. fair? For one day, yeah. This poor bastard. He gets talked into the weirdest fucking... Your lady talked you into that?

No, no. He just reading the newspaper. He saw it in there. And he thought to himself, let me go to the L.A. fucking fair to be surrounded by... fucking gang members, people selling rims and shit. What the fuck is wrong with you? Bell out of that right now. More neck tattoos per capita

than any fair in the country. Are you fucking crazy? People selling pipes. You think so? I know so. What the fuck is wrong with you? Just use your imagination for one second. Yes, that's exactly what it's going to be. A lot of Dodger jersey, yeah. You tell Paula, you're going to go to the fucking Farmer's Market

in the studio city with white people. You're going to walk back and forth. You'll get her a watermelon juice. It'll be just like home. They've got the hot dogs with the fucking bacon. They got nice pizza. You can buy a few apples. The tickets are expensive. We've got unlimited rides, I think. You already bought them? She bought them for a birthday.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Here's your birthday present. We're going to a real shitty place. I know. Those fucking rides are you going to get robbed. But you know what? That's good. You're Jewish. You could sue them. You wait three years in litigation to get paid. That's what you learn. See, if you fall off a ride in great event, you get 60 days before you start hoping and hollering that you're getting flashbacks of Vietnam.

You know, you could start yelling and screaming on Twitter. You fall out to that LA Fair. They're going to throw 18 fucking attorneys at you. And then they don't have no money to pay you. So they got to pay you on the slow fucking hands. I don't want to fall out of it. Yeah, you do. You're going to make a lot of money.

I'm just saying. Lee, this can be the best thing that never happened to you. No one ever, I've never got to get a roller coaster with you now. You would definitely throw me off of a roller coaster. You made your ass. Like 10%. For 10%? Fuck, I'll throw your head fucking first.

You know, me, your family. I just give you a little push. What are you going to do? Break a shoulder? or maybe your foot? You get a brand new foot. Who's better than you? You can jump high. You get that $6 billion foot. That's right.

When you got a new foot and $6 million in the bank, who's going to love you more than you? And who's going to thank you? Well, you wouldn't even tell me before. You'd be like, hey, we're going to go. No, because then you'll tighten up and break more bones. If I tell you, you'll tighten up and break more bones. You got to stay loose. You got to have a lot of edibles.

You got to have a lot of alcohol. They always say drunk drivers. They always live because they're drunk. They're loose. The people they hit are always tightened up. They see the car coming. The same thing, you're loose. That's just a metaphor for life right there. A drunk driving accident is just a metaphor for life.

We'll get you one of those blades like that dude that killed his girl from Australia. You'll be fucking Lee the Blade. Forget it, Bob. Lee the Blade, Sayat. Lee's been acting weird since he fell off that roller coaster. But I only get one or did I lose both legs? No, just one. We're talking about a foot.

We're talking about foot. Can I have one spear and one regular foot? We don't know. You ever see Enter the Dragon? The guy had a thousand different arms, right? He had a clad's claw. He had like a wolf's claw. He had knives.

He had the thing with the ball. He could spin his arm around with a ball. Yeah, that's going to be you, Lee. That's your one. Once you get $6 million, you can do whatever you want. Now you can fight Bruce Lee. Now you got skilled. You could do whatever the fuck you want with your little foot.

Yeah. What about the carousel? No, wait, no, not the carousel. What's the big wheel? The merry-go-round? No, the loop-de-loop. No, what's the... I have one in Santa Monica.

The Ferris wheel. Yeah. Can we just fall off of that? That seems better. Yeah. Yeah, sure. That's what you really want. Excuse me.

But that's going to be, you're going to see that coming. You're going to be nervous about it. If you're in a roller coaster, you get pushed off by Joey. It's going to come out of the blue. You don't know which roller coaster it's going to be. And then you're halfway to having a bionic foot. How good does those legs look on that fucking steak? Fucking fantastic.

Can you imagine right now being somewhere, That's a fucked up steak. The steak, yeah, there's the reason why they're dressing it up with air. They got to take the bone out of the steak. But if you just have the steak, without the bone, two eggs, some potatoes burnt, two pieces of nice wheat bread with heavy butter. Yeah. Some water, salt and pepper.

Who's better than you? Nobody. Un-fucking believe. And look at all those bags of Coke right there, too. I don't want that shit. That's the front of my house I grew up in. I just looked at that and saw that. It just stunned me for it.

second. That's a fucked up place. Where's that? That's in North Bergen, New Jersey. There used to be a window here. Yeah. You know that's where my family's from, right? I don't know if North Bergen, but Bergen County. Bergen County, which is still close by. That's a fucked up looking door. That's not the original door, but what are

going to do? Lee Syatt, what are you got going on tonight? Tonight? Well, yes. Where are you going tonight? You got nothing tonight? You're not picking it up and giving enough sauce each. No, I got to work tomorrow. What work? What are you going to do tomorrow?

I'm trying to work more. And you didn't go to Jiu-Jitsu today. They called me saying, and where's Lee again? I'm embarrassing me. I'm sick. What's sick? What's sick?

This is your last year with your real foot, and this is how you're treating this exercise class? What's sick are you? All of a sudden, you're sick. I don't see no sniffles. Okay. You ain't sick. You're fucked.

They got to call me and embarrass me and say leave and show up. You know who? I don't think anybody called you. You know who, cotsucker. Lee, are you on trying to. drugs right now. I know. What the hell is? Frankly, I'm insulted. Why don't you take a piece of a boy and calm down?

He's coming down. But then anyone would assume that I'm currently intoxicated. You're okay. What are you doing this weekend? What's happening? What are you doing this weekend? I have no idea. Nothing. I have a consultation tomorrow night. A consultation

tomorrow night? What are they going to do? What kind of consultation? He wants to start a podcast. And then what do you have this weekend? Nothing. All right. I ain't mad at you. What do you got? I got to go to Austin. We're Rogan. That's fun.

And Ian Edwards. Remember when you got me high on the way to Austin? No, I don't remember. I don't remember that conversation. It was terrifying. Why, what happened to you? Because we had to take that bus to the plane. Plain.

And what happened to you? Who took care of you like me on the plane? But then I was all the way in the back, and I kept, I was really worried. Did you smoke or eat an animal? I think we did both. Sure. Every morning. That's the combo.

That's the early. I gotta switch it to that because he's got me going at like 10. Oh, that's too late. That's too late. They got a 6 a.m. I could be there. I'll fucking go to sleep early Friday. I ain't shit going on tomorrow. That's so far. What's going on with you, Doug?

I'm going to Coeur d'Ane, Idaho this weekend. Saturday. That's a good place. Come back Sunday. That's a ski resort. Yeah, I've never been there. I've been there. I've been there. I did comedy there. I mean, 20 years ago. This is part of the Chivalrond days? No.

There was an independent guy. that booked rooms up in that part. Okay. You always had different people. Tribal, I worked for Tribble. Me too. Triple had the two Idaho runs. He had the Oregon run, you know, like Salem and Eugene.

Grand Ben. Grants Pass, yeah. Where they do the Shakespeare Festival. Astoria, and then they had the one that. Because they have two Vancouver, Vancouver Washington and Vancouver, Oregon. Right. A lot of people don't know that. So he had two Red Lions.

Yeah. Right across from each other. that did comedy. He had the potato. He had a... Listen, man. If I ever see Tribal again, if you know anything about me,

I'm always very thankful. I'd give him a big fucking hug. Right. You know, I watched Charot Carmichael show. And this morning I got up, and I called Tiffany Hadley. She was great. Yeah.

I'm that type of person. I'm cheering for you. Remember the gay kid we were talking about when Jason was here last week? Oh, good for you? He called me. He said his friend heard this on the podcast. And he called me.

He lives in New York now. He moved to New York to pursue comedy. I'm so fucking proud of him. You should get him about a podcast when you're in New York. He's in New York. But I'm not going to do a podcast in a minute. Okay, yeah. Yeah.

I'm not going to be a good guy. Fucking getting on board with me for years, you know? Listen, man, I was taking care of when I became a comic from fucking day one. Not taken care of. But I had people that told me, gave me direction, and said that joke was funny. Right. When somebody tells you, that joke is. funny. That keeps you in for one more week. You have no idea what that means to people.

And Lee, how many times if we get in the car and I go, that was fucking horrible. You and I have great discussions on the way home that we gig. I don't think you. That was fucking terrible. But when somebody takes me somewhere, I want to suck that dick, whether it's a man or a woman. When somebody takes me, at this point in my life, because you see all the smoking mirrors. When you do them, you see them. Right. So, but when somebody takes you for a psychological ride, when I'm in the comedy store and I just smoked the journey on the way down with Lee, and Lee's sitting next to me, and Lee doesn't know what I'm thinking.

I don't know what Lee's thinking. We just sitting next to each other. Yeah. And somebody's saying some, like, Papa a couple weeks ago, took me on a ride. Tom Papa. Yeah. Look, that's what I want to see. Right.

When I go watch a movie, I want you to take me on a ride. Right. Even if the movie blows and you want an Oscar, you should be taking me somewhere. That's why after I saw Mission Impossible, What's the first thing I said there? I said, that dude from Jeremy Runner, he's a good actor, but he ain't no Oscar

guy. You know why? Because I saw Mission Impossible Rogue Nation, and he didn't stand down. He did nothing. He played a fucking mutage. That's not an Academy Award winner go, what am I going to do? So even if this movie blows and goes down in flames, they'll remember me for something. Something I do, they got to remember me for.

That's what the movie's about. Dennis Colangelo, 1981. It's not whether you win or lose, how many points you score. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. Taking it back, Lisa, yeah. Yeah, no, that's true. That's your opportunity to fucking do you.

That's your opportunity to shine. So when I watch a movie, or I see a, or I watch a TV show or a fucking Saturday Night Live, I'm watching it with an open mind. Right. I want to get entertained. Absolutely. If I happen to bump into you, you bet your ass, I'm going to pull your side and so listen. the shit you said on that show

because it's a TV line. Yeah. She was funny on it last night. The dude from... David Allen Greer. David Adungry. It was very funny. His wife was funny.

Gerard Carmichael had moments. I enjoyed the show. I saw it. I see Gerard and I was cheering from. When I saw it was coming on, I fucking sat up and cheered for him. I was like, you know what, man? This could be us.

Yeah, I know. How can I cheer against them? No, you can't. Because they're your friends anyways. You know, we know these people. They're good people. It's tough enough. Right.

When you walk around, there's two ways to walk around, I bumped into somebody at the story and I know him for 20 years doing comedy. Uh-huh. And he was eyeballing me and I talked to him, I helped him my heart to him and we're talking. And the first thing he says to me, goes, let me ask you a question. How do you walk around knowing you don't have a TV show and all these non-fucky motherfuckers have a TV show? How come you don't walk around fucked up? And I go, why would I?

Right. Think of all the opportunities that I've had thrown at me. Because do you know people that have TV shows? Not even because how lucky are we to be. Matt, full charm. Oh, I know. There's, I don't know how many comedians there, Lee. Take a fucking stab at it.

How many comics are there, Lee? 500? Okay. You're the worst number Jew I ever met my life. There's 500 comics at the Comedy Store at the Comedy Store. Are you serious? Let's say 50,000 comics. What's the population of...

Let's say there's 50,000 people. Let's just say, subjectively in the United States. 100,000 comedians. we're in L.A. This is the major leagues. Okay, everything else is AAA boy. You got double A ball. I'm not putting down anybody's market.

I'm just explaining to you. New York has great comedy to develop. Yeah. But to get the deals and to do all that shit, this is the major league of commerce. Yeah, and everybody's competing. If you don't believe me, go oncomcom and look at the schedule tonight. Yeah, no.

Look at the schedule from 930 to 1130. It's out of control. It's out of fucking control. It competes with the sales. And that's it. Those two clubs are elite for that shit. They probably got Louis C.K., Jim Norton, and my boy there, you know. Fucking, what's his name?

One that's married to Bonnie McFarland. Rich Voss. Rich Voss. And, you know, that's the home to some fucking seasoned. Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn, you know, Jerry Seinfeld. He'll be there some nights. Comics that work on their shit that take each word.

Chris Rock. Rock. So now you go to the con. That's the major leagues. They're pitching movies out of here. They're doing this. out of here. God forbid you have a good set in front of the VAPE of some fucking

movie company. You're here. How lucky are we? I get to wake up every morning and go, holy fuck, I got a spot tonight. You know, when I left the store, one of the reasons I left the store was because my dick wasn't getting hard anymore. It had become a chore. And if it had become a chore, well, I was

going to get blow and then do a spot, did you imagine if I wasn't doing blow? The store was going to become a... So I stopped going to the store. Not because I quit, or anything like that. I stopped going to the store because my dick

stopped getting hard. And when you're at the comedy store, your dick can't be soft. Right. When you walk into the store, you're a fucking Marine. You are the Marine of comics. You're the last sense of defense of comics.

They come out of a fucking plane with parachutes and M16. That's Richard Pryor. That's Lily Tom. Right. That's the black chick with the dreads. That's Sam Kennison. That's Andrew Dice Clay. That's Jim Carrey

was at the store last week, two nights. No shit. These are fucking people that were in my position there 25 years ago. That I have to walk their shoes in the way. I had to go in there and start with 1245 spots following Paul Mooney. And you work yourself way down to fucking 1145. Then Rogan would call up and say, put Joey in front of me. I used to get 10, 45 spots 10 years ago and go, I don't want to go down there.

That sucks. Why not? Because you had to, you had to, you didn't feel like being a trooper? Listen, man, how many times? if you walk into a place that they do comedy there and somebody comes up to you and says you want to go out, Matt Fulton, and your heart you're like, not really. I'd say all the time.

Not really. I'd say like me too. Me too. Yeah. But there's certain places you go to that once you know it that you stop losing that edge, you don't belong in there. Right, right, right. You just don't belong in there no more because I need a place to light me up. I need to walk in a place and go, Lisa, what's happening?

As I'm hugging you, I got to hear Matt Fulton killing. And then that goes into my ear, and it works itself up to my brain. Right. And then I go up to the bar and I get a water and I give the waitress a hello and I talk to the bartender, how's it hanging? And all of a sudden there's a schedule hanging on the refrigerator. And I look over to the refrigerator and it's Neil, whatever, Sebastian, Mark Maron, Joe Rogan, and Joe Diaz. Now, what you heard, the laughter mixed with what you see now, that sparks something.

So you should be right there. I don't give a fuck. who are you? I don't care if you Charles Bronson doing stand-up. At that point, you should have a little bit of fear. Your body should just go, boom. Your body even shifts to the left a little bit. Just because your central nervous system goes, it's your chance to run right now. Yeah.

You could run and say that fucking, your cat died. No one would question you. Nobody will question you. They put somebody else up. And that's right there. Yeah. That's when I need to go on stage. Right.

That fear. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anxiety mixed with fear. Fucking Matt Voltron's in there. Fucking tell them. I can't wait to get up. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

I finally have embraced the anxiety and the fear too and known that it's not something negative. It's something that's going to push you a little bit when you get up there. You know, I used to try to ignore it. Now I'm like, fuck it. As soon as like a minute is up up there, all the extra energy is going to be gone and I'll be in the zone. How were you ignoring it before?

How were you dealing with the anxiety? I would just try not to think about it, and I would try it extra hard. I would like somehow, and I don't know how I did it, I still do it a little bit, close off, or just slow my body down, slow myself down, so as not to have that nervous fucking energy. I would fight the nervous energy. I would ignore the nervous energy, and I would consciously just move slower. And it's a good tool. You know, you have to learn to relax during all these things. but then I learned that the anxiety

I've been doing it too long that the anxiety and the fear is not going to fuck me up so then I can just let it in and just kind of have a little bit more energy up there like it lends itself to have more energy more passion while you're up there you can embrace it

it's not going to fuck you up after a certain point it's not going to fuck you up to be nervous I was always a Dr. Doodle dumb fuck on stage and then what happened one night was what does that mean like I was just a dumb fuck

Fuck, like, I didn't have an identity. At this point, I've been doing... Dr. Dool, dumb fuck. I've been doing comedy, like, six years. I had no identity. I was a cross between dice and something else. Yeah. I didn't, you know, I didn't really know where I was at.

I know a lot of young comics listen to this. And I'm telling you this, man. I was in it six years, and I didn't know who the fuck I was on stage. Uh-huh. And I used to date this fucking stripper let me, like, a pussy on fire. This was just 20 fucking years ago. I still talked to it. She just posted a picture on Facebook when I really.

wrote something. She's crazy. This girl was just crazy. So she would get back with me on a Friday when I had like $800. But I scam from that gamble that I was sitting on his fake bets. And she would hang out with me until Monday until I was down to $30. And then

tell me how some guy invited it to a dance and she wanted to go and did I mind? What do you mean I mind? I'm fucking dating you. She's like, I'll be home at 6. Nothing's going to happen. You're a fucking whore. You're a full-time whore. You give hand jobs of the strip club. Are you going to let him like your pussy on for him?

Are you fucking crazy? And she'd say, well, if you don't like it, you could leave. So one day I packed my stuff, I had Josh Wool picked me up. And I went up to the club. And this is when I found out about what this was, you know. And I'm sitting there on the side feeling like how fucking butts about myself. You know, like, what the fuck am I doing with my life with this fucking piglet and, you know, I'm crazy. All I care about is stand up at the time.

And my daughter, who at the time, was maybe. And I'm not doing good with the stand. I'm coming to the stage. And I was like number nine on the list. I had moved up. At the Seattle Underground, they started. Carl Warman-Hoburn would start. You had like number one or number two spot.

And as well as you did, you'd move up. I was there like a month and a half. And I was up to nine. There was only 15 contestants. Yeah. Your goal was to be from 12 and up. That means you're one of the headliners in the show, and you can tell people.

I'm headlining in the open mic. Right, right, right. I don't know if you know that lady. You know, I'm headlining. Some panties drop. Shit. It's all over. Yeah, it's when you got that bionic dick.

Fuck a leg. And I had some fucking Mo Moe material. I was going to go up on stage, right? And something made me fucking go up there and just talk about my day. I was, if I dated a stripper, you know, everything was going great. We were in love. Everything was going great. Then I ran out of the dollar bills.

You know, I just started fucking, and I was angry. Like, I got no place to live, and somebody gave me the table. And, like, a week later, I hate it. watching my tapes. I watch the tapes. I'm like, that's it. That's who I am. I got to go up there and not talk about that dumb shit I'm talking about. I got to talk about what the

fuck is bothering me. Tell the audience and that's how you make it funny. And I got glimpses of it over the months. Like I wouldn't do it for a month and then I would do it and then I wouldn't do it for a month. Then I do it twice a month and I'm going to all right, I'm on to something.

But the fear, if I don't get that fear, this blows it's a different show then huh it's a different show yeah and Lee's been with me where I'll tell him it was okay

I got them laughing right they're happy no I've seen that I've seen you go up there and do very well and then get off like ah that wasn't for me

I just doing it wasn't for me you're like I was doing old jokes but there's a style that I have that I really like there's some man you got 80 people it's a 200 seat room they're cool as fuck

yeah you just go up then start talking it's like that it's like that type of rhythm yeah you know because comedy is really a rhythm in a lot of ways. Well, yeah.

To really kill, if you look at your set, you're working in a rhythm. There's no doubt about it. And then you stop, let them breathe. You're at the end of your 10-minute cycle, and the electric goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, now we're going to kick it up to 75%. Yeah. Now you're going there slowly again, and it becomes a rhythm again. You give, they give.

It's music. Yeah, it's music. It's music, man. You can read most people's jokes off a paper, and it's just really not. I don't like that. Might be humorous. But you got to see the way people... Sell that motherfucker.

Yeah, and dance around it. Yeah, how it flows through them. How it's weird. I love when somebody acts out a joke. Dane for a while had that. You know, but God knows. Is it hard? Like, if you start off poorly and I said,

is it really hard to get it back? Because especially with, like, the 15 minutes sets, if I see somebody, like, really start off poorly, it seems like they have bad sets. But especially with you, when you start off really well, you can go for like 15 minutes and not stop. Now I can't. But 15 years ago when I got to the store, those 20-minute spots, I come out gangbusters until about nine minutes. At the nine-minute mark, it'd be the longest 11 minutes of your fucking life because you don't know how to balance it.

Right. To have that style, you're not even worried about what's coming out of your mouth. You're worried what's coming out of your mouth on the 16-minute. Yeah. There's a lot of comedians that clubs are going, oh. this guy was here last week, he's good for 20 minutes, and then the show takes a fucking horrible dive. By the time they're paying that tab, they pay double to get the fuck out of here. Because he takes you for a psychological ride for 22, 25 minutes.

So now you have to learn how to become a headliner. That's a headline. That's a headline. That's a huge muscle to exercise. That's the ultimate final position. And every comic hits 40 minutes, and they're a headliner. And I giggle. You've been doing comedy how long?

six years he's headlining me already okay and I just sit there because I know I know that you have to put work in I know that it's eight fucking good years and that's if you do 30 sets a fucking month and you bank and even then

you're not a headliner once you start getting paid that dough and you get into that flow and you know how to build this set how to come back you want me to tell you something that's why I love Jiu Jitsu and I didn't know till now

it's all the same Okay, when you're fighting me, Lee Let's do an act out right now I could throw two punches at you And I connect with two punches And I can break your nose Your job for the rest of the two minutes Is to avoid me

And get your composure back And get your head thinking, you're still in this Right Okay, that's your composure So now you've got your front foot You got your hands up You're breathing Your nose is busted

You don't want to breathe through there because they'll clog up, so you got to breathe through your mouth. But you've got to stay survived for two minutes to go back to that corner, have him fix your nose. That's the mindset of a winner or a loser. A guy like me gets punched in the face. I'm out of there. I'm tapping out.

This is over. There's no more punches that need to be thrown in this match. It's over, okay? I got my nose broken. How are you come back from that? Yeah. Listen, you're at a three-minute mark of a routine. It's not working for.

Right. It's not working for you. My face is as red as this shirt. Right. Okay? Your face is as red as that shirt. You got a fucking quick decision, and it's not about the joke that's going to come out next.

It's about how you're going to get your composure back and start from square one where you were supposed to start. Yeah? It's like telemarketing. They give you a pitch. When you use that pitch, you'll sell whatever the fuck they're selling. I'm selling flying sauces from Bolivia. Really?

If that pitch is good, you read it effectively. It's when you start improvising. Yeah. But then, yeah, they want you to improvise it, but they want you to censure yourself in that script. Right. A lot of, like when I first started doing comedy, I learned as an improviser.

It was a 50-50 shot. No, no, no, no. You have no idea. People write jokes. I didn't write dick. Right. I would get one tag for a show and think I was Johnny fucking rotten.

Right. I was going to go up there and riff for 20 minutes. Some nights, it worked. Yeah. But most of the nights it didn't. But I stuck with that for my first. first three years of comedy. So I always had that to fall up on.

If my material's not working and the story doesn't work, I'll fucking riff off your ass. You got to. You really got a problem. There's only one decision. I'm talking about eating pussy and sticking fingers in your ears and all that shit. And I'll grab you. And once I grab you, now I go back to my step one. Right.

To whatever I wanted to tell you from the fucking originated. Right. So you're reselling that joke. Hey, you did that joke ready. Not like this, motherfucker. You follow me? It's jujitsu. Even though he passes your guard. If you could slip your leg back in there, boom, put him back in your guard and take a deep breath and hold him

for two minutes. Now I got this motherfucker. He's not going to punch me. He's not going to pass my guard and now I'm centralized. I have a plan. I'm going to put my knee up and get to the side and I'm going to go to work. And that's what took me years to understand. Once I got folded in the four minute mark,

I died after that. A couple weeks ago, I get to the store. I'm a little fucking high. You know me, dog. I tell you how it is. Yeah. fucking Joe Rogan goes up in front of me and laser beating on those people Right Now I'm good psychologically like that

But I could be myself But that happened to me I went up there and went I went gangbusters For nine minutes But I couldn't take the taste of Joe Rogan out of that mouth Right sure I started throwing some left jabs at him

The show went fucking kaput Oh yeah I went up back to Laurel Canyon that day Was I depressed? I was a little upset with myself Yeah Because I let the heat get to my head. Right. The lights, I let the heat, and it threw me off my game.

It's going to happen. But guess what? At the 20-year mark that I've been doing comedy, it can't happen. And I made a decision on that, it's not going to happen again. Right. And you go up there and you look straight and you focus and you believe in your material. Sometimes it's not going to work. And now you have to take it back to square one.

Yeah? You rest, take a breath, rest your legs, and take them to the guide again. Even if you had to break the fucking joke down. Listen, when I said that, you know, before you guys didn't laugh. Let me break this down to them. They'll go, look at this motherfucker and bringing this back. But that's what your goal was to open them up.

Once I open you up, once I fucking grow that hook on your right side, and I cut that eyebrow. Guess what? You see blood in your right. What is your natural instinct going to do? I'm paying attention to you. No, you're going to pop that fucking elbow up to block that eye. But you're going to leave me a four-inch opening that if I could get to,

I'm going to kick that liver or whatever the fuck is on that. side four times. With comedy, you're always looking for an opening. You're no different than a fucking fighter. You're no different than a jih Tzu guy. You're on your back. I'm on top of you. You've got me into control. Now you're going to twist and go for a leg. What are the fuck these dudes? I'm not talking about me, people, hypothetically. I'm just thinking about how I think about everything now. I know I got to get back to a center point. I'm giving you motherfuckers of the comics free information there. It took me 15 fucking years to get them. Just go back to the center. It's like yoga

You go back to the center in yoga You do your exercises Then you do those things Sun salutation And you breathe And you go back Then you attack again But you're always going back

To that You ever see a comic That does a call back And he does it brilliantly Yeah Todd Jordan One of the most brilliant comics I used to work

Used to take you On a fucking comedy ride And every eight minutes He'd look at you And he goes Excuse me Does it hurt yet oh my god

oh my god and he blasted you for eight minutes and he'd go does it hurt yet and he'd do something with his fucking stomach and his hand that you would die

and then at the end he had to close it to those that hurt yet that's a headliner guys right right right that's a headline and when you see that you're like oh shit

anyway what the fuck I know I'm just a fat fuck that's struggling like everybody else you're the youth of this fucking comedy

I don't know that you're the soldiers right now you're the foot soldier you're out there I'm doing it, man. I'm doing goddamn standing. I started doing open mics 17 years ago.

Jesus Christ. And you feel it up there. You feel what I'm talking about. I feel it very recently that I actually trust myself and only very recently. And I know I'm nowhere near the level I'm going to be one day.

I still feel like a student. You're always a student. But you're always a student right now, even in life. You always learn something every day. I didn't know that shit. I didn't know that. You cut people of.

What, Lee? What do you got? No, and I don't. I'll have one anyway. You want another piece? You always your comics say like... We're going to go to food trucks. I'm another piece.

I don't want you to go down and say, John. I'm way too high. Yeah, not high. You're not high. You're just making your eyes all fucking Chinese doubt and shit. To fucking... So, yeah. You always your comics thing like they don't think about money

when they get into like stand-up comedy, but how can they not? Like, if you're going to do it for 15 years... It's a thing where, like, you just do it, you're driven to do it. There's nothing rational about being an artist. You got to fucking... It's an uncontrollable urge that you have to face. It's not a business decision, that's for fucking sure.

But isn't there, like, the hope? Yeah. Isn't that what... Like, that's what... It's always weird, like, they always say, but then... But then they're always getting, like, TV shows and making tons of money. what's the question like

the fucking most people have an ira like an irrational urge to do it and the the results the Buddhist way to go through life is that results are secondary and that's really how you have to approach it you can be business-minded

and look out for opportunities but I mean if you're into money you should get into like something else well that's that's what I said like I was talking to a kid at the store of you. Oh, I found, look at that, I thought of his name. I grew up with a kid.

Played basketball against him at CYO basketball. Played basketball against him in eighth grade basketball. You know, we played in the school league. And then, okay, graduated, left New York, I went and did prison, whatever the fuck I did. I got into comedy. 15 years, no, 10 years ago, I'm at the Laugh Factory. Latino and I come off the stage on a Monday night, and the kid goes, you remember me? my name is ba-b-bba-ba.

Fuck, yeah, I remember. You play for Washington School, and you play for a nice kid. But after a month they're talking to him, I'm like, so what do you do? Well, I do stand-up, but where did you start in Jersey? No, I started out here after college, and he was looking for a payday. The last time I spoke to him was maybe three years ago. This went on for like seven years that he tormented me. In fact, he did do a movie with Stephen Bauer.

And Rogan and the girl from My Name is Earl. You know, Rogan's manager took him for, if the movie was a $3 million budget, I guarantee they gave Rogan $2.5 million, no, his manager. He just ate them up alive and left him sore. I don't think the movie got released. The movie just went on video, went on video maybe eight years after the movie was shot. Yeah. She wasn't even on My Name Isrell.

Right. He was one of the producers on it. I don't know what happened. After that, him and his wife got into a beat. beef and he was writing. Then he wanted to a New Jersey tour. Me and two other morons that I didn't want to be involved.

I was like, no. And then the other guy dropped out, and then he did it by himself. Like, he went through a couple bars and did it by himself. And I heard from sources it was a horror show. Why? Because he didn't respect this. He thought that he was going to walk in

and make $10 million and be like everybody else. And then the last thing he called me for was some movie he was making about some guy or Cholo or something like that and I go how much it pay? Oh, it doesn't pay nothing but we'll take care of the back end.

Listen, if I know you, there ain't no back end. The point being, Lee, how old are you when you found love the first time? I don't know. I don't know, probably like 18, but I was going to say now. The first time he fell in love, did you sleep with her?

Yeah. How long did it take you to sleep with her? Don't cry. What are crying? What? Sounds like you're crying. I want to take you to sleep early. Oh, a while.

Okay. A couple of years? Yeah. Between you and I and his family, did you yearn it? Yeah. You'd do anything to fucking sleep with her. Yeah. Anything, fucking anything.

There were nights that you were making out with her, and your dick was so hard, your heart was beating. Your head was hot. You couldn't fucking think you'd sell your soul to fuck her, and she didn't fuck you. When I was in the sixth grade, I fell in love with somebody, didn't fuck me at all. But I would do anything to be with her.

That's how I knew I loved comedy. As soon as I talked to somebody, hey Joey, how you doing? My name is fucking Lee. I just started comedy. Any advice? You know, if that third question, how long does it take me before I make money,

they're not going to last in this game. Last in this game. I'm telling you this from fucking hearing it 50 times and going, you still do stand-up, nah. I'm a producer now. You're a fucking idiot. You work at a hamburger store.

You know? Because this takes work. This takes patience. It's like anything else. It takes work. It takes patience. It takes getting up every morning and doing it again. I compare it to falling in love with a woman that has your favorite body

that you love her from your feet to her fucking head. When you look at this woman, you'll do anything to crawl in her and suck her pussy from the inside out. That's love. That's when you want somebody. when you want to suck her toes and rub her ass and you'll light cigarettes for her and you don't care if she spits on you or whips you or pisses on you

you'll do anything to have her fucking love You relate to this man? I can't describe it to you It's in you and you're drawn to it for no rational reason You're just going to go there It's like nature you're just going to go to that place And that's the only way true con that's the only way Can't survive

My life was fucked up My life was fucked up And more ways than one never mind the felonies never mind the blow never mind the fucking confusion something was not right that this fucking job shit

fucking taking shit from people in the daytime working all week to have two days off like a fucking moron something didn't ring right with me and I had the world by the balls and I went and I watched that stupid fucking punchline movie

and I fucking called comedy clubs the next day I wanted information the yellow pages and looked up all the comedy clubs, and I asked them about New Talent Night, or do you do one? No, fuck you. We don't do that shit here.

And they hang up on you, and the Comedy Works finally did it, and this was January. It took me six months before I fucking gone on stage, okay, from the fucking fear that I had. But one day I went to get coffee for the boys. It snowed, and I said, you know what, let me go over there.

I got to get green chili and some eggs for everybody. I get some coffees. And there was a Rocky Mountain News, and I opened it up, and there was a comedian in the middle. He goes, do you want to be a stand-up comic? and they were talking about the resurgence what's the name just became a star out of

Denver and blah blah and all of a sudden the comics are flocking down there and I didn't know what to do but I said you could take a course for 37 fucking dollars $37 I was spending 50 on a half a gram of blow $37, I may at least give it a fucking try and just talking to the guy three weeks

asking them questions and at the end he made us get on stage and I remember getting up there and doing a stupid joke about fucking Godzilla And on the end, he goes, listen, man, this might be for you. These are the words I wanted to hear in a way. In a way, I didn't. I wanted him to go, you suck.

And then I never had to think about this again? Yeah, right. But he's like, this is something for you. Have you ever worked as a dormant? He goes, what if I get your job as a club? And I go, okay, and he got, and he goes, go do paperwork, and I'll call him tonight. Sure enough, he came through for me.

And I watched, and it was okay, and I would ask stupid questions, and this shit about living on the road, and they only pay you $400 a week all week. What and gas? How to fuck? And all of a sudden, that all changed the day I got on stage.

I remember going on stage having money in the bank, being on federal probation, having a wife, having a baby. But after I left that stage, all bets were off. I didn't give a fuck about nothing.

I had found what I wanted to do or at least tried. And I knew that if I got involved in it, that this was it. had a go for broke. I remember the ride home from the first time I did comedy and I go, I go, wow, I think I could really do this because I got some laughs. But then the other side of me said, but it's going to take a lot of fucking work. That's exactly what I told myself. I was 23 years old and I knew that. It was very obvious that it was going to take a lot of work to get to be good at it.

Because I got laughs, but I was not good. No, me neither. I had stage presence. Yeah, right. I had stage presence. And I remember this was two things. Like I had no credit cards, I had no wife, no child. When I came home that October, and she told me she didn't want to be married anymore, that we should take a separation. I can't tell you how happy

I was, except for the kid leaving me. I can't tell you how happy I was because I knew I was getting a second chance to do this, because I knew you couldn't do this in the beginning with a wife or a girlfriend. The first two, three years of this, you don't need somebody telling you're a loser and you're never going to make money.

Well, it's not practical. Yeah, you already know it. And you know what? After a year, one day you look at your boss and you're like, I'm not doing this no more. Right. I don't get what you're paying me. You know what? I'd rather be broke than do this.

I'm going to go for it. Yeah. There's a day that your mind clicks and says, I'm losing my day job. Fuck the insurance. Fuck dental. I'm going for this. I'm going to be a star in all easier to suck my dick. And part of you is delusional, but part of you, that's the mindset that you need.

Yeah. That's the mindset that you need. I'm not worried about the $8,000 for that fucking cost. I'm going to buy 10 of those. That's the mindset that you need in many ways. I mean, once you come to the conclusion, it's not going to happen as fast as you think. And what am I talking about? Not being a millionaire, but having people giving you work every week.

Because you talk to comics and I'm like, I work all the time. Yeah. You what? Yeah, I work every week, man. Every weekend I got something very, what do you mean? Yeah. Yeah, next time I'm off is next June. It's fucking October.

And you're like, you could work that much. And they're like, yeah. And then I wouldn't even ask them what they made. As long as I knew, there was an end to this getting up in the morning and getting yelled at and taking a bus and carrying fucking tools. And, you know, yes, sir. Oh, yes. He's brilliant. I can fuck you.

Yeah. It's a fucking drunk. I don't give a fuck about him. What does he want to do? The fuck, he knows better than me. So that's it. Once it's about money you're doomed. Because the money, I mean, listen, I didn't, I don't, I don't, listen, the, the

first reason I didn't join the Army was because of the needle. Yeah. The blood test. But the second reason? Because when you're 19 and somebody says, four years, that's an example. That's a good chunk of your life at that point. Listen, half of these people go to college because it's four years. Because deep down inside, you go, I got four years to fucking figure out.

What the fuck I'm going to do? Absolutely true. I got four years to flunk out and mom stopped paying me. I got to figure I can learn how to sell weed. But you look at four years when you're 19 or 20. Four years is not attractive for a lot of people. Yeah. When you're 19 and 20 and you want to get your dick sucked and go to clubs and drink VIP booze and smoke blunts at $55 apiece.

Right. You know, it's tough to fucking tell somebody four fucking years and, oh, yeah, you got to go to bed at nine. We wake up at five and you have to pick me up at six. Four years of this shit. Yeah, no, that never sounded good to me. Fuck you. But then four years go by. And you're 24, and you still got nothing.

You go, you see, I could have fucking done this. Yeah. And then I got the major fucking call. When I got in trouble, my first deal was nine years. They wanted to be to plead guilty to nine years and kidnapping two. Right. Which that means I'm doing nine years. I'm going in at 27 and I'm coming out of that motherfucker at 36 years old.

Right. That's a long time. So when I got into comedy at 31, I go, what's the difference? I was going to be dead till I was 36 anyway. Yeah. When I got into comedy, I did comedy the right way. I had no credit left.

Yeah. I had every fucking creditor chasing me in the country. That's where stand-up got me for a while. That's where he gets you. I had every creditor in the country calling me. Yeah. And then they would switch numbers on me. They'd call China and call me long distance from China.

I thought it was HBO China. Hello. Diaz here. Hi, Joey. It's fucking Pete from American Express. Hello. Pete. Hey, buddy, did you put that check in the mail yet you were talking about?

Postate the check, will you? The first time I realized I was in trouble was when I walked into an open mic and the bartender goes, some guy just called here for you. Oh, shit. And I'm like, really? I'm like, oh, shit. I made this bitch. I've had people call my family before because there ain't a lot of full charons out there.

Talk about embarrassing, man. You know? And they'll call your house and go, do you? You call my folks' house. These motherfuck. Yeah. It's fucked up. About fucking years ago, what you put us at 208?

Book three commercials in three weeks. Nice. I booked Sprint, Carl's Jr. And one of those cable companies. I did the cable company first. I did Carl's Jr. And then I did Sprint. It was an Italian family commercial.

Right. About six months earlier. I go to a dentist and he goes, you need a root canal and I can't do it. Just do me a favor, we'll walk, three blocks. And he's going to do it. He's waiting for you right now. He's great.

He'll put the root canal. I trust the dentist. I go over the root canal, pay the fucking copay. He goes, we'll bill you. I never get a bill. I called down and I goes, no, we billed your insurance. You're fine. All of a sudden, I'm on the sprint commercial,

and the phone rings. Hi, this is people from associate collectors. We're collecting. I go, what are you telling me? He goes, the dentist sent the $98 bill to collection. I go, what are you talking about? I just hung up on him, called my wife. I'm like, this dumb fuck when my wife called,

they sent the bill to the wrong fucking address. They didn't know that they had two different Jose Diaz. Right. So you sent me the fucking collection? You didn't even call me and ask me for $98.000. Oh, my God, I was so embarrassed on the fucking set. Yeah. No, listen, comedy takes you to some weird places.

it's how you respond to it. I was sleeping on a towel in Seattle. What was I? 32 years old. Sleeping in an office a quarter of the size of this with a towel against a wall. There was no couch, no nothing.

There was a table with a phone on it. And I would sleep under the table for fucking, like, heat. I had a blanket, a bare blanket, and I had a pillow. And I had a fucking bathroom at the end of the hallway. That was just a pisser. If I wanted this shit,

I had a shit outside the wall. window, walk two blocks to the gym. That's what comedy did. That's what. When you love something that much and you want to be that, it was all I had, Lee, I had to love it. I had to risk everything. I didn't give a fuck. I'm

going for this. So no, we don't recommend it. We don't have to recommend it. If you want to do it, you'll do it. I recommend you get into stand-up comedy. I also recommend that before you jump in, you know you're going to jump in, and you're going to have an adventure. And you're going to write a book afterward. Because you're going to meet

crazy people and if you do it the right way and go on the road and ride buses and sleep on floors if you do it the right way at the end you sit back and one day you just look up in the hand go this is great there's a couple times a week right now where I go this is an amazing life

I live I just sit there as it's happening and I say this is fucking amazing even the bad shit to a certain degree because it is an adventure so many people just like stay in the house with the family, never take a chance in their whole life.

And I don't know, I guess they're okay with it. But I kind of like that there's like these huge moments and it's exciting. I just got that kind of personality, I think. I think you have to have that kind of personality. I went to, I'm cleaning out the closet. And my wife goes, what's this box? I thought it was sleep happiness supplies. It was old notebooks.

Yeah. But it was more old sides from movies I had read for. And the first movie on top was Be Cool. and for some reason I looked at it and I go I didn't get this movie but I go what the fuck happened that day? Because one minute I'm in there reading with Susan Jaffrey and the next minute Travolta walks in there with Danny DeVita. You understand me? When you hear a knock on the door at a casting office and all of a sudden the girl goes, oh my God, oh my God, I'm so sorry Mr. Travolta, I'm so sorry and I'm sitting in the other room with the casting person and she goes, hold on one second. I think John has arrived.

And the open of the door is John Travolta with Danny DeVito. And I'm thinking on myself, oh my God. These motherfucking dummies only knew I went to prison. Right. And I robbed that fucking ice cream truck when I was 16. Yeah. But how lucky was I?

And I remember looking at the side, two, three days ago, and giggling to myself going. How lucky was I on that read? Yeah. I don't remember, oh, I read that. When I was sitting in the hallway, it was an early morning read, and there were two people in the hallway. It was a guy that used to hang out. You don't know Luca Polanka.

I do. Oh, Luca Polanka used to hang out with an actor for years. Big time. Good looking to do it from the Bronx. He was sitting there that morning, fucked up the night before. I swear to God, sleeping. Yeah. Sleeping at the audition.

And the guy who got the part was sitting there. And he had been on that show in the 70s that was very, on the 80s. It was very popular on CBS. It was a woman's show. And he played the landlord. And he was fucking badass. That morning, he was coolest shit to me. Yeah.

And then I didn't book that, but I booked another movie, and he was my partner in the movie. Yeah. And then he died before Be Cool got released. So if you watch Be Cool, at the end, it always says, in dedication to such and such. In the memory of, yeah. Yeah, it's pretty fucking cool.

What's up, Lee? How you doing over there, man? Not much, I'm doing good. Ha! I don't know what you're talking about. You're not paying attention. No, I'm not. No, I feel.

I tell my wife every day that we're very lucky. I'm very lucky. I'm very lucky. She doesn't have to work. Yeah. I'm very lucky that, you know, we're not big spenders or anything. Right. We live very frugally, but we'll live here.

Yeah. You know, I live today. The sun was gorgeous. I had to walk the baby to school, and I'm like, right now I could have done, been doing so many things. I wanted to be a salesman, and I wanted to work as a stockbrook, and I wanted to lay brick, you know, growing up. I wanted to do all those things, but in a way, I didn't want to have a day job. Right.

I always wanted to lay brick, but let me show up at two. Yeah, you want your own business. Two to five. Let me do the footsteps or a fireplace or something. Right. But to do that, you have to work with somebody because they have to teach you to do it. And today, they have the unions. They won't teach you unless you're an apprentice.

And then you also have, like, just small companies, and they, they, they, they, passed that down from generation to generation. But now, since white people do not want to apprentice and carry buckets of water, it stops right there because the Mexicans don't want to learn how to lay brick. Maybe one of the three, you know what I'm saying? What happened to white people? We used to work.

I think so. White people got lazy. Well, somewhere, they said, why go for those jobs if I'm going to have to lose it for a Mexican? I can't work as hard as a Mexican, which is like a tap out. Yeah. It's like going, I can't, you know, I'm not as good as a baseball player as he is, so I'm not going to go down there and swing the fucking bat. Or I'm not as good

Right. You know, when these white guys go in the NBA and they gotta go and they're gonna go and be six for four black people. What the fuck are they thinking? Right. They're thinking there's gonna be a cakewalk.

I'm gonna jump over fucking Dr. Afro. No. Yeah. So people tap out. That's one. You know, they go, well, Mexicans do it for eight bucks an hour.

Think of the fucking balls they have then. Mm-hmm. You know, what used to happen with me coming up to you and going, Matt, how you doing Joey Dias? Listen, man, I want to be a hard carry. You're like, Joey, you're white. It's not going to be a hard carry. work out for you and I'm like really what are you paying these guys let me do two days for free

if I'm not good you throw me out of my ass right good pay me the eight and give me a job at eight bucks an hour but after a month you'll give me 12 when I'm fucking better than them right and you're going in you give it all you got yeah that's not gonna happen no more that's not going to happen no more because they give everybody a trophy now right no matter whether you suck or not correct yes true they have for decades so we don't know that kind of mentality that I'm going there be the best motherfucker hot carrier they have or the best carpenter

they have or the best bar you know it's just I'll do my mediocre job and I'll do what I do for $7.50 an hour because they don't give me any more money that's a good attitude in the way but it's also a bad attitude in the way because once you win those people

they will give you the $15 you really fucking deserve you know what I'm saying it's kind of weird so you have to go in there and be a fucking tyrant and then if you find that they don't fuck around and you go suck my dick I'll go because somebody is going to realize how good of a worker you are in the workplace. Somebody's going to go, this motherfucker's good.

You know what? He's supposed to be at eight, but he's here at a quarter of eight. Right. He's supposed to be hit until 5, but he's hit to 520 every day. This guy wants the fucking job, you know what I'm saying? So that's the problem we do it. Let me get some shoutouts. All right. We'll get the fuck out of here.

Lees falling asleep on me. Lee! My main man, Jeff Warsaw, Lassai, Rood, Uki, Spooky, Harry Galakian, Joey Zaza, tweets, Burbank, 8-1-8-8 get well. buddy, you know, I love you. I can't do this without you. Renegade Truth, Pete, and Jesse Wright. Excuse me, always laying

some fucking pipe and shit. Is Uki-Spooky going this weekend? To Austin? I'm not sure. I should contact her. I don't think I have tickets left. Oh, I don't know. It's a Rogan show. I would just say I didn't know if she was going. I know Bobby Sharon's coming. I know

my main man Dave Wilder's coming from Dallas. I know Crystal's coming with Bobby, my man. You know, I know they're coming to fucking Austin, so anything else I can fucking tell you, cock suck. I had something I was going to talk about. Pop music, talk about, uh, pop music. Shubi, shubby-duba. Pop, pop, dua, Dallas, New York, London, Munich, everybody talk about pop music.

Talk about it. Bada-boom, pop music, talk about it. What fuck you think you're dealing with it? You want to eat another star? You're not high enough, I'm telling you. Yeah, he doesn't look high enough. Yeah, we're going out to another one. He doesn't look happy.

You're gonna go see Ron White with me? I'm gonna have to follow that fucking savage tonight. Yeah, sure. Where's that? At the store. Damn. I had to follow me on that. I got a good set.

I lucked out. But two in the row, you can't. You're not gonna luck out with that. That's awesome, though. Now I go down and I'm thinking about this. Before I get in the shower, I sit down with a notebook. I know I'm not dilly-dally. Right.

Last year I was at the store, I was just throwing my waist away. I was wasting some of these time. Somebody who was really in love with comedy, what should have been there. I just got in the longest yard. I was disgruntled. My addiction was to an all-time eye. And I was like, you know what?

The quicker I stopped going to the store, the quicker somebody will give me a TV show. I don't know where I got that delusion from my head. But then what happened was the whole thing with Joe, and I said to myself, you know what? You've got to close one door to open up another door. That's how I looked at it. But right now, I've been back there a year ago,

and I know my comedy has grown. I know it's leaps and bound. It's a better place to be. recently, I think. Lee, when you go to that fucking 24-hour fitness, and you do your 62 minutes on the fucking treadmill. Right.

And you do your little kettlebell worker that you tell me you did. Look me in the fucking eye. Where's the workout better when you're by yourself and when you're with us on Tuesday? Tuesday. You know why? Why? Because somebody pushes you.

Yeah. Because people are there. Because people say, hey, you know what, Lee, do the rope. If you just had to do 10 sets of kettlebells, you leave. That rope is hard. But when he tells you to do the rope, when he tells you to do the dead squats, you do them.

What are we talking about? The only way to press 300 pounds is to press 300 pounds. Even if you come back and go, Joey, you put 300 on the bar and I didn't do it. Today, you didn't do it today, but you know what? You pushed it an inch.

So next week, when we do this workout again, at the end of the workout, we're going to put everything out, we're going to push it two inches. And eventually, you're going to fucking push this thing. You're going to look at me and go, Joey, how the fuck did that that happened? You have to do it.

you know what I'm saying I love the combo class I'm so fun I don't even know what my point was when we're talking about help I was gonna talk about when I you know when you go to the comedy store

and somebody pushes you yeah like Ron White like Ron White or Joe Rogan or fucking Neil Brennan or Sebastian or you there's a lot of comics that work out of the box and they're tough to follow

I had one night one that was tough years ago at the store I remember there was that phony priest was up there and you destroy like on a Tuesday night and I had a hard time because of your style

you had a suit on and shit you had your girlfriend in the audience you were dropping knowledge on bitches and shit you know what I'm saying right

but it's really weird when you go to a comedy club and me I don't have to have a drink but when you look at the lineup and go I'm following four killers

yeah I better come out there with so I try to I go for the energy trick right I just come out there yelling and scream because that's what

I'm going to have over the four people yeah and find my funny in them No, I'm going to trick him with energy. Right. But it teaches me that when I go on the road, if I go out with the same energy. It's like John Butt.

When I get to class, Jiu-Jitsu class in the morning, John Butler always goes, all right, Joey Diaz. Show me what you got. Right. I get on top of John Butt and twist my body, and I put my arm behind his neck, and I push my fucking shoulder into his jaw. And then I get on one knee, and I push everything I got into him. It's 300 pounds of fat Cuban. Right. That becomes 500 pounds.

The Cuban press. I know he's in the bottom appreciating that because he knows it's like working out with a 35 pound kettlebell. Yeah. And then you switch to a 45 and you go back to the 35. You're like, damn! Yeah. This is two different worlds. He knows he's going to go up to John Jock.

And when somebody 170 gets on top, he's going to fucking throw him off like a cookie. Because if he throws me off at 300 pounds, they'll take a guy that weighs 170. That's the same thing the comedy store does to you. Yeah. When I go out on the road and I... I do the same kind of energy as the comedy store, I'm a way better comic. Right? Way better comedy.

Because you don't have to follow for vets. You know, there's a place that always calls me to go down there. I love going down there, but when I go down there, as I'm sitting, I get depressed. Like, why am I here? Right. I can't believe I got to follow this guy. I don't want to outshine them and go crazy and kill the rest of the show because the people behind me are not going to be able to even compete. Right.

So I stopped going down there because it's a waste of my job. my time. There's no, it doesn't get my heart pumping. Right. Yeah, I remember one time I had to go up after, uh, Norm McDonnell went up, then David Tell went up. And Kathy Lewis was supposed to be up after them. And she goes, oh, she made an excuse late.

Oh, I got bumped, so I'm leaving. And then old Fulcheron had to fucking deal with it. But you know what? It was fun. I was nervous as fuck, but it was fun. It was a good show. Every fucking night on Twitter, some moron puts the schedule at the comedy store up. And I look at it,

and it says Joey Diaz right before Joe Rogan and I never thought of fucking canceling I never thought of lying and going to have another gig I'll be there 20 minutes late I go down there to face this challenge and like I said I died a couple weeks ago I had to throw an awkward joke in there that took me away out of my set

and I threw it up as a fucking safety net but I went home I realized what I'd done and now you've got to prepare yourself to follow Joe Rogan or Sebastian You've got to really prepare this. Oh, you've got to get ready. Or Gerard Calm, Michael.

There's a couple guys down there that are fucking killers. You know what I'm saying? You got to be prepared, Lee, cock sucker. Get preparedly. Where are you going on the road next, brother? I'm just going to that Idaho gig. Okay. And I think I'm doing it.

And what's this gig in Idaho? Is it a bar? Is it a private? I think it's a fucking best western. Okay. But you know what? Who got you this? Some kid I know who opened for me in Scott Stale years ago puts me up in Idaho once a year.

So, you know, fuck it. Why not? It pays. Yeah, no, no, I ain't matter to because I'm not here to criticize. I'm just saying, it's great to fucking, listen, man, the whole comedy game is to get out of your comfort zone and to go rock another neighborhood. Thursday night is my favorite night because it's due and I. Yeah, I love Thursdays too. It's gladi it. I may believe I'm Russell Crow. Right.

I'm going into that fucking thing and I'm going to go, fuck, oh, my God, I'm getting high as fuck. I'm starting to get anxiety. I'm hearing noises and shit. Yeah. I'm hearing pink floors. us and them for some reason one of these Russians in the building having it on I love it

It's been going on for a while for me For you? You hear us and them? Dark side of the moon I don't know what the tongue I'm hearing All right we'll just sit there and meditate For 10 more minutes We'll get you out of here.

An unspecified song is going on in Lee's head right now I love stand-up And if you're thinking about it Or you're doing it man It's a fucking journey Yeah And listen I wish you luck

I wish you do Get seen at the new comic night And they take you Montreal and give you half a million dollars but the beauty of it is the 10, 12, 13 years when you put into it and you're like now I got 13 years in this, I'm invested, I might as well

go for 20. Yeah. And you still become that much better. You become that much better, but you know you're still shitty like in the back of my when I stopped. And I can't imagine if I'm having no sets like I just heard the CD I did in D.C. Uh-huh. Not badly. He said to me. He didn't listen to it either.

He didn't. He don't care. I didn't I send you two copies when I was in D.C. And you were in Toronto. Yeah, I listened to them, but they were like three seconds long. Yeah, fuck. It wasn't a whole track. No, but I'll send you the new track. But I listened to it, and I was like, I can't believe that's me.

Yeah, right? I can't believe that was me. Exactly. Yeah. But then I'm like, you know, 20 fucking years. I should have 22 CDs out. I'm the one that fucked up with doing all the blow and not doing it the right way of all these years, you know? Yeah.

What are you going to fucking do? You can keep going. That's what you're going to do. Yeah, no, no, no, man. You're working with me the night before Thanksgiving and everything. Yeah, yeah, it's going to be dope. I don't know what the date is. November 20-something, just be prepared to rock.

Yeah, I'm ready. We're doing two Wednesday night shows, stars of death. Lee Syatt, we're doing a fucking, do a little dog bark for your Uncle Joey. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Really? Look at it. Look at. You should make that a clip.

Sound by. All right, let me talk to you fucking people here for me. You got these sheets for your uncle Joey. I got a fucking email. I fucked up. Something happened. What the fuck did they say to me? People are always fucking tormenting my life, right?

I always get yelled at for shit like that. All right, for starters, you know me, dog. Honit.com, tremendous. They're my bread and butter. I was telling somebody I took the, what's the one with the mushrooms in it? the shroom tech sport and I had too much air. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was getting a heart attack.

I was blowing up like a fucking balloon. That's how good shroom tech is it. I was getting too much air, the sport. The immune is what I live on. That's why Lee got sick and I never get sick when I fly. Because I take two, three, four, five amunes. I take two more when I'm in flight. I drink water, the whole fucking flight.

I don't touch nobody. I bring the handy wipes. I don't touch nothing. Everything is handy wiped down. My hands, everything. You don't fuck around. Anyway, what I'm trying to say to you is, On it, don't fuck around, all right? From the hemp force protein shake to the asai, to the chocolate shake, which is delicious, the best chocolate in the market.

I just bought a chocolate protein just to switch it up a little bit. It's supposed to be chocolate fudge. It tastes like chocolate dick. It was terrible. I'm going back to Onet like a motherfucker. Go to Onet.com. Look at all the other line of supplements they have. If you like something, give it a shot.

I mean, listen, their main bread and butter, Alpha Brain, the Nutropic, This thing, you don't like it. You get your money back. They don't even want the product back. Who does that? I got a little snoblin's bothering me. Who takes care of you like that? Nobody, cocksucker.

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Nobody. Uncle Joey's there with Nature Box to the rest of you. You know what I'm wearing right now? Not only do I have Nature Nature. Now I do I have me underwear on. I also have me underwear, me underwear shorts on you. Let me show you this fucking moment.

What are you giggling about, Ricardo? Check this out. That's a beautiful man right there. You see these fucking shorts right here? Yeah. These are the nuts. You can tell how tight my shit is like that? And the nuts, these are Miandis for you.

I don't fuck around. I wear them too. I just don't sit here and say, go to Miantis.com and get yourself when you ain't pair underweight. No, I fucking don't. I wear this shit. Okay?

I'm not some fucking half a moot from the other side. That's just trying to fucking flip a buck. I want you to be comfortable. I want women to look at you and say, look at that man's bulge. I want men to look at you and go, look at that woman's fucking monkey. Look at the way it looks in those Miandi fucking underwear. That's what I fucking need from you. You understand me?

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My pleasure. Anytime. Full charge. Full charge, full tron. Oh shit. This is how we fucking do it on a Monday. On a Thursday, I'm sorry, I'm all fucking. Whatever day it is, it feels right. Whatever day it is, it feels right.

Look at this. I get a hotel with. Celebrate our guys. Grand opening. What fucking grand opening? I don't even know these people. Why would I fucking go to you? We ain't celebrating your shit. Yeah, what the fuck? What do people always invite me at a grand opening? It's like, I know people. I don't know nobody. I barely got my own

fucking problems in the limous. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What's up, Lee? What are you going to do this weekend with our young old Joe? I'm coming back Sunday. We're doing a special podcast Sunday night at 8 o'clock. Well, you'll be coming down from this edible around Saturday night, Lee. Yeah, probably around then. I don't know, man. We don't have that much planned.

To be honest You're not going to get bicycles And go to Marina del Rey without helmets Or something like that What you're gonna do? What's your girl got playing for you? I know, he's always got something Nothing

What's the fair? Next weekend You're gonna go to the fair You're gonna wear rent bicycles Be careful No right, run bikes Next thing no fucking Caitlin's down there

Run off the road Hit you And there you are getting hit By a transgender fucking That's how you're going out That's a terrible way to die My brother, thank you for coming on. My pleasure.

My pleasure. Anytime, man. I wanted to chill fucking dude today. They wanted no drama. I wanted somebody to come here and drop knowledge like you always do. Of course. And you did it. That's all I need.

I don't want no fucking drama. I don't need no celebrities. We got family here. The fuck is your problem before. I don't have a problem. You ready for the food truck? I can't go to the food truck. Yeah, you can't.

What's a matter? I can't go in the public like this. Why not? You have a cute little daughter or my mother? I can't know. You think she's going to judge you? I judge me. She knows her uncle Lee.

I thought she knows. No, I can't. She wants to see her. She'll know the difference. Just don't talk. Don't talk. Yeah, I'll give you another piece. You want a little piece?

No. You want a little piece to go? I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. All right. Thank you. I'm always off at you here.

Oh, you know what? I'll take some. You will? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I'll give you a hundred millie. Good.

Perfect. I can get on Lee's page. Get up to the Lee's. level. I'll call you, man. I'll be like, you know where you were this afternoon? I'm there right now, bro. You eat this tonight. All right, cool.

You'll be on another fucking planet, you understand? That's where I want to be. Every once in a while I get a little tired of Earth. What is this shit? What are you going, Lee? Why are we here? I love you, cocksucker. Stay black. See you Sunday night, 8 o'clock. Do we just forget that we're recording?

No. I don't know nothing. Thank you, John. We just hear the fucking tell people I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Ouki, Spooky. What are you going to be? I'm going to be this weekend? I'm going to New York soon?

No, I'll be home in the next couple weeks. September 11th, I'm doing a run-through of the special set up at the Ice House. City Friday, Saturday, 1145, two shows in and out. Oh, and I talked to the guy at the South Point. If you want to go to this special, tell them that you want to go when you're a book in the room and you're going to get your room for cheaper. See what I'm saying? They're always taking care of you people, always trying to help you out, 10 bucks. Hey, man, you want to come out?

We're going to have stars of debt when we get fucked up in Las Vegas. Old school. By the time we leave, we're going to have leave buck in 69. with two dead hookers. Yeah. One of my contract is you need a stretcher there at all the time. And you're going to eat some strawberry shortcake. Oh, God, yeah.

Oh, you're already thinking about it. You don't want to switch to another one? What? Maybe the brownie. Fucking brownie. I want a brownie without weed. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck about brown.

Oh, weed ruined brown. Oh, shut the fuck up. I'm going to eat some piece of shit brownie. I just got almonds in it, organic. No, they were raised in a cage. I don't give a fuck. If that thing, don't. I don't have 500 milligrams.

I'm sick of brownies. Put the fucking music on already, please. I love your cock suckers. Have a great weekend. Stay black. I got shit to do with people to see. What's the music? I got to do the ants.

I'm so stalled right now. I need this. I need this. We need some tunes. No, the show is over there. Don't forget to go to naturebox.com slash Joey and sign up to get your sample box on them.

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