The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #313 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: August 31, 2015

Kate Quigley, Comedian and host of "Under Cover" on Playboy TV, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: NextIssue.com/Joey for a free trial of the Magazine app Next Issue Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 08/24/15 Music:  War Pigs - Black Sabbath Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Your Song - Elton John

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products, Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech, immune, shrm tech sport, and Strongbone. It's code word church to get 10% off. Special edition. The Lord's Day. Church of what's fucking happening now. Lee Syatt.

The talented Kate Quigley. What's up? Sunday night. We're not fucking around tonight. Stars, Rifa, hands of doom. No bikinis. No bikinis. It's fucking over. Cuckuckers.

This is how you start a week A little war pig To get you right into your fucking So you don't get confused August 30th The day the devil was beat up Fucked in the ass Rape, lit on fire

And buried in sea Kick that motherfucker a little week Kick it, kick it Let as he say what he got to fucking say, all right? Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit

Generals gathered in their masses Are you fucking kidding me? Just like witches at black masses Break out the chickens The devil's coming at dinner Evil minds that plot destruction Sorcerer Is as good as it gets, ladies and gentlemen

The Lord is fucking spinning In that hole right now Oh shit Kate Quigley jumping up and down She thinks he's on the fucking MTV Awards It's like. Death and hatred to mankind. It's too much, ladies' gentlemen.

Too fucking much. Grab that fucking bong. It's over. Hit it! Oh, shit, Lee. Oh, shit. What's up, dog? I'm not as excited as you are.

What the fuck you've been all weekend? I had a great weekend. I went to La Jolla yesterday. Sure, sure. Just for the day. Yeah, it was fun. I wasn't going to do anything at all. Walked around.

Yeah. And our buddy owns a burrito place down there. Don Carlos. And we just went and had a burrito, went and got some gelato, and walked around the cove. It was fun. Come on. Yeah.

What am I going to do up here? I live in California. I might as well go down by the beach. You bad, motherfucker. What did you do today? Today, we watched a new show, which actually you might like on Netflix. I'm sure everyone's hitting up Narcos. Have you heard about that?

How is it? It's actually pretty fucking good. We've got like some three or four episodes of that. And that's it, man. Just had a fun weekend. Did you have a little sun today? Not today. Yesterday I did.

No son today. Not today. Jews, no son on Sunday. No son. I went to the mother-in-laws for dinner. What she cooked tonight? Garlic shrimp. Oh, it's so good.

Good shrimp. She got those little small ones. They're smaller, but they're good. The ones out of a can? No, I don't think of out of a can. You never fucking know. These people won't. The savages nowadays, they'll give you a little dollar shrimp.

You got to eat it. Next thing, you know, you're shitting while you're eating. That's so hot. What's happening? That's hot. That's hot. sexy motherfucker cake quickly the talented

thanks Joe not much I chilled all day I just bet I was lazy as fuck I sat around my house I feel actually I didn't even go to the gym which I do every day I do you really

you go to the gym every day I do something or I like play volleyball or I play outside I hike yeah I have nothing today where do you live Hollywood I live in East Hollywood in Thai town

you know it yeah like Hollywood and Western Western out there yeah it's crazy over there but I like so he goes for dumplings over there and shit

do you in Korea In Korea Town, not Thai Town. Yeah, there's good food in Korea Town. Tai Town, too, actually. That's why I like it. Joey said I'm not allowed to eat there because there's no straight cats walking around. You have to look in those neighborhoods.

You have to look for a straight cat. That's how you know the food's authentic. Is that it? Because if there's no straight cats, that's what they're cooking. That's what they cook. Oh, my God. That little white meat. That's hilarious.

I haven't seen any cats cooking, but. I don't have you lived over there. I've lived there two and a half years about. And how long have you lived in Los Angeles? Since 06. I moved here in 2006. But I didn't live here the whole time. I moved here and then there was three years when I had this job where I used to emcee events actually for Sports Illustrated and for NASCAR.

So I used to travel and I would be like on the girl on stage basically like interviewing athletes or drivers and like throwing t-shirts out to the audience. I did that for three years full time on the road. That's fucking nuts. It was super fun actually. I met so many cool people. Like I'm not really a NASCAR fan, but I love NASCAR fans because they're crazy. So that time I spent on the road, I got to meet so many like crazy drunk guys and their wives. NASCAR wives are the coolest women.

Have you ever been to a NASCAR race? No, never, never. It's insane because I used to, I worked with Miller Light and I was like a on a NASCAR Miller Light poster at the time. And so I would go to all these events. I would emcee and sign posters. And you would think that, you know, wives wouldn't want their husbands like. coming up to us and hanging out and flirting. But these wives would, like, shove their husbands at us and be like, can he just touch

your boob for a photo? Can you just grab your... I was like, these women are fucking crazy. But I love them. It was a lot of fun. How'd you get that job? L.A. or... You're originally from Ohio.

I'm from Ohio. Did you start comedy in Ohio? No, I started doing improv when I was in college in Chicago. I went to school in Chicago. I started doing improv there. I didn't start doing stand-up until I moved to L.A. in like 07. And where'd you go to school in Chicago? I went to this school called Roosevelt University.

It's like a performing arts college downtown, small. And what's your major in? I was an acting major. I was a theater arts major in college. I think it's so funny now for some reason looking back. Because at the time, I was so serious about, like, dramatic. You know how theater people are? They're very, like, intense about, like, being an actor.

And it's very like... To fucking hat with a loop-de-loop on a shit. Yeah, totally. I will never forget my first day at Roosevelt because I got a scholarship there actually. So when I went to audition for my scholarship, they gave me a tour of the school. And I'll never forget I walked in to this class that was happening.

It was called Vocal and Physical Prep. It was like 20 actors, like 20 kids. Basically, they're playing music, and the kids were blindfolded. And it looked like an orgy. They're all, like, crawling all over each other and, like, their hands are on each other, like, feeling each other's body. And I asked the teacher, I go, like, what are they doing? And they were like, they're getting in touch with their insides.

And I was like, this is a call. college class? Like, this is what's going to happen here? And she was like, yeah, this is one of the required courses, sophomore year. And I was like, I'm going to this school. Like, this is insane. So I went there. But now, looking back, I just find it hilarious. Did you go to a

Performing Arts High School? I don't they have those now. Like, what the fuck is a book? I don't even know what the fuck that was. Somebody told me that there, their daughter is transferring. I kind of did. No, no, a charter performing arts school. And I'm thinking to myself, it's like fame. People are running around, jump

up and down the hallways and singing, breaking into dance. That's how my college was for sure. My high school, I did go to a, I kind of did. Like my senior year of high school, there was an option to, like, go into a vocational theater arts program that was, yeah, it was basically a whole bunch. All the schools in the county came together, and there was a theater arts program you could specialize in. So I did that, my senior year of high school.

It was the only reason I graduated, though. I would never have made it through, because I, dropped out. I was so bored of school. I dropped out of high school, actually. And then I, the only reason I went back was because they had that program. I was like, all right, I guess I can make it through if I can be in there. I took one fucking performing arts class

all four years of high school. Intro to performing arts. My freshman year, the teacher was a lesbian. She was pretty fucking cool. She was short. We fucked around. Like, not fucking. We fucked around the class. We went in there basically to fuck around.

And one day she goes, you know, an assignment for you guys to pass. You have to do an assignment. This is not just jokes and shit. Yeah. You guys cracking jokes, you have to do something. Huh. You have to go up on stage and do a reading or do Shakespeare or do stand-up comedy. And I didn't know what the fuck to do.

And I said, okay, and I went up there and I put on shattered by the stones and I lip-sanked and danced like a jacket. She gave me a fucking A, and I blew the class up. I would love to see that now. I, Jesus. You know, they don't tape know this. But after he said this performing arts thing, I remember driving to the airport yesterday morning thinking of where did I pick this shit up? Like where did this thing start?

In the sixth grade, we had this teacher named Mr. Lovito and he used to have a wig. And Mr. Lovito, for years, you thought he was one of those, he was a feminine guy. You know, but he was married and he had kids and he was just a sweetheart of a guy. So he was also part of the Ecology Club. So if you were part of the Ecology Club, you left school at 1 o'clock. You had options. You had options on Friday. Yeah.

So on Fridays, you could leave at 12, but you had to go to Holy Rosary and take CCD class, which is sit up there with a priest and he talks to you about the Catholic religion for two hours before confirmation. Or you could be part of the Ecology Club, or you could sit in a class with a bunch of dunces and Lovito would talk to you. So I was part of the ecology class, but I also fuck around with Lovito's thing. And one day he's like, yeah. you know, let's put some music on. One of the girls, so let's put music on. This is like a wild type independent class.

And we put music on, and I went up on stage, on the front of the class by the desk, and I just started singing Frankie Valley. My eyes adored you, right? And that was it. Like, every Friday. What year? This is 1975. I'm 12.

I got to be 12. It just clicked for you. That was it. You were like, I love this. I love doing this. No, no, but it was with music. Yeah. Like, I would just put music on.

go up there and sing Frankie Valley with music and people would clap and shit and then I would switch it up to Michael Jackson. And then I got put in a band with Dean LaPrie, John Bend and his dude Ray Canella, who calls him for the podcast today still. So cool. He worked for sci-fi for 30 years, Ray Cannelling quit and opened up his own sci-fi fucking YouTube channel. So this is how far back we go to the sixth grade, these four morons. That's awesome. And we used to go there, play Beatles songs, and just play over the beat. Like, that was our band.

and one day we had like this big show and these girls came in and we started playing and they're like, cut! Like what the fuck guys? You guys are in a band? You're playing, and they just walked out and we fired the bass play and that was the end of our fucking band. Hilarious.

Because it was his idea to put the fucking songs into it. That's so funny. But that's, I didn't know anything about performing arts. I didn't even know I was performing. I had no fucking idea. I just thought that everybody did it. You know, I don't know nothing. I don't.

Because that paper doesn't seem like something you'd enjoy. performing arts. Like I know you act now, but just knowing your personality and what you did in your younger days, it doesn't seem like you'd be going up for plays and all that stuff. I like the acting. I really, really do like the acting. But I don't like that part of the acting, the breathing exercise. Well, that's the thing I was going to say, yeah.

And the four-year universities here on Santa Monica. And, you know, even acting classes, there's some acting classes in L.A. That are basically cults. Totally. They're just little, little cult. And Ivana Chubbik is the main main one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She has a little, I mean, what she does over there is like fucking brutality to kids.

It just shocks you because they're not tough skin like us. We have stand-up skin. Right. Stand-up skin, to have stand-up skin, you had to go through shit somewhere on the line. So true. Stand-up skin is a little thicker than acting skin. Oh, for sure. Acting skin, they run around scared.

We're stand-ups. You don't want. Go fuck your mother. I got the club down the corner. I'll stand in that club until I get really funny and I'll still eat your fucking lunch. So stand-up skin's a little thicker. These kids at this place on the highland, she abuses them.

Like they have to intern for free. They have to pay for fucking classes. You know, she tells you when you're ready to audition. Well, it's no. That's so funny. It's so funny that you said that because I always say when I first moved to L.A., I wanted to act, right? and I used to go on auditions, whatever, and every once in a while I'd get something, but it wasn't, like, going great.

And I started doing comedy, and then I loved stand-up, and I really just stopped caring about acting. I mean, I still, like, enjoyed it, but- You go to auditions, and you'll still fuck them up if you have to. Yeah, yeah, but I just didn't care. Like, stand-up became, like, I was like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is what I love. And then what happened is I just did stand-up for a few years, and I really kind of pretty much quit acting. And then I started getting a lot of auditions because people would see me doing stand-up. And then when I started going to my auditions and completely not giving a fuck, I swear to God, Joey, started booking everything.

I remember the first, I think it was the first SAG job I booked actually. I went in, I wasn't supposed to have an audition that day. My agent called me at the last minute. She's like, can you be there in like 15 minutes? I was like, I just left the gym. I looked like shit. It was supposed to be to play like a sexy college student. I'm like, I'll go, but, and the girl was supposed to have like a Jewish accent from Brooklyn or something.

It was totally the wrong role for me, right? I'm like, I mean, I'll go. I'm right there. I'll just swing by and do it. I took a headshot. I wrote on the back of the headshot a couple credits with a Sharpie and my phone number because I didn't even have a resume on me. And I went in and gave it to them. I was like, sorry, I was at the gym. I didn't know about this. And I read and I left and I got it. And forever after that, I would always go into auditions with that attitude, which is just like, I'd read over the lines a few times and give it my best shot. But I really just didn't care anymore because I care so much more about my stage time and down. And now I do pretty, I almost always at least get a callback. Like, it's so crazy. It's really interesting when you make that transition and you, the stand-up skin helps you later on. Stand-up skin, and you can tell when you meet people and they're like, oh, this isn't going great.

I don't know how long I'll make it. And they disappear and they pop up on Facebook that mow lawns in Kentucky or something. And you could tell, stand-up tough, it's a different. You know, I used to go to the first acting class I went to was this, guy on Monday nights, Frank. And he was on Gardner, Gardner stages, not downstairs, but on the side. It's still there. Monday nights, seven to nine.

And he was a great teacher. You know, he taught different shit. And then I said, fuck this shit. Because I couldn't sit there, Monday nights in the late 90s was the hardest stand-up night and time. Oh, yeah? You had the laugh at a Latino night. You had the fucking improv was Freaky Monday.

Freaky Monday was a white show that turned into. to a black show. I love that. Okay, so it's from 8 to 835 white guys. At 8.35, a strong white guy would go up. Yeah, yeah. And then at 8.50, it became fucking, you know, death jam. Yeah.

And it was off to Chuck Tucker, like all those guys. And then the comedy nights, and then what you strive to do in those days was to get a triple crown. Like, I would get the improv, and then I would shoot over to the store. and then we get Latino night and the laugh factory I shoot into a straw but once every six week you got the improv

the laugh factory wow an 805 and 820 are you kidding me I'm out of there by 9 o'clock and I can play all three clubs so Frank used to get pissed so I stopped going to Frank

and then I hooked up with a black gay guy that had AIDS and he was way towards the end he was on Hollywood and Gower up that street like if I'm on sunset instead of making a right if I'm going east, instead of making

a right towards the studios, I make a left towards Hollywood Boulevard, he was in those little shacks. And he had a couple guys, and he'd be coughing in a napkin. He was towards the end. He had the HIV. Is this a joke?

This is not a fucking joke. Do you lower his prices? 20 bucks an hour. He was fucking tremendous. He was a great coach. That's a guy who coached me, like my big, big thing. I swear to God.

You said you're going to these people. I answered an ad. I bet you did. It was like a, uh, Acting coach, acting coach, $35 bucks or something. And I went to him a couple of times and I hit it up with him

and then he told me the truth. He goes, I have AIDS, it's in whatever. I don't know if I'm going to live, but I was one of the best acting coaches in this town in the 70s, blah, blah, blah. And I was open-minded to him. And then one day I called, listen to how tough he was.

One day I called him at 9.30. And I go, I got the biggest audition on my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this. He goes, you know how you're going to do this? You're going to fucking go and get some soup from me and then come to my house.

Feed me the soup and I'll help you with the lines. Aw. And that was the Travolta movie that I almost got, but then Travolta pulled out to do the Scientology movie. And then I went to Miami and I did a bunch of shit. When I came back, I lost contact with the guy. He was just a little black dude. You lost contact with him forever?

You've never heard from him again? Never, never. I lost that. I had a fucking thing of numbers and I had the car parked and the registration was expired. The car got towed and they wouldn't let me back in the car unless I had the registration of title. So I lost everything.

I went through his apartment. I mean, I'm one of those dudes. I'm the type of guy that I'll go to your apartment and knock on the door. Somebody had rented and they said he moved. So I don't know if he was with his mother because he said he was thinking of moving with his mother. Did you ever get your car back? No.

Wasn't really my car. It was somebody else. Somebody's car got towed and you just never got it back. It's just gone. The fuck, you're the second person to tell me a story like that. What the hell is that? Anne Maney gave Josh Rolfo for a car because she was in love with him. She wanted to suck his dick.

So Josh Woolf said, you borrow the fucking car. So Ann Minnie went to New York to work for some company in New York. Anne Minnie was a big hustler for Disney. Then they fired her because she was half-retarded. And then she went to work for Fox as a talent scout. And then they fired her there, too. And then she went to work. She did a project with the Bengals or some band that I'd rather shoot myself

and listen to their music. And that went under the tubes. So in this process, she gave a car to Josh Wolf. And Josh Wolf, let me use it. But the registration expired, so I kept driving the car. But these fucking ladies in Hollywood, the ticket ladies would just give me a ticket. They were hunting me down. They would give me tickets.

I must have 10,000 tickets. Shut up. Finally, I was dating this little dirty stripper chick up here in Sherman Way. And I went up there to give her a stabbing. And when I was taking a shower, the car got towed. I'm sorry, to give her a stabbing. And I got fucking. And I used to live in that car.

So, in other words, my apartment got towed. So I had everything I owned in that car. Headshots, boxing gloves, resumes, clothes, everything. From 1995 on. Do you think it's still in some impound lot somewhere? No, it was over at fucking Gower for like a month or two. What's the one on Gawa there? It was there.

This is 1998. 1999. That car is still fucking there. Holy shit. It's going to cost more to get it out than what it's worth. It's like a time capsule. I would just love to open it. Like, slip some guy $20 and just see what you had in your car.

I had shots, boxing gloves. I probably had a Coke mirror under the seat. Rolling papers. It was a great little car with great fucking air conditioning. Can we talk about living in your car? Because no shit. I'm not kidding. I'm thinking about doing this.

Because I have this idea. I like camping. I love camping, actually, right? And Hollywood is really expensive. And you have to look really good in Hollywood to work on TV. to work on TV and looking good is fucking expensive in this town. And I just started thinking that maybe instead of rent, that I should just live in my car and camp, like in Malibu or something,

and just periscope the whole thing and just be like homeless in Hollywood, but then still keep up like all my usual things that I do. Like keep my gym membership going, like keep going to the same hairdresser in Beverly Hills. Are you going to look good if you're sleeping in a car? That would be the fun of the show. What kind of car you got? I got an SUV. It's like a Hyundai Sand.

I think I can make it work. And I have a tent for five people. I got an air mattress. And I camped in National Parks for 14 weeks one summer. So, like, I'm really outdoorsy. And I know how to cook on a fire. And then I thought, too, like, guys would think I'm low maintenance. And then, you know, they might want to date me more because they'd be like, oh, this bitch can live outside.

And they'd be into that. And I'm not kidding. I'm seriously thinking of doing it. Like, my lease is up next month. And I'm like, why not do it for one month? Wouldn't it be great? You could get away with it here. I'm just.

Yeah. I don't know. As a man, yeah, I feel fucking scared for you. Like, I wouldn't sleep at night if I knew you were on a beach of Malibu. I wouldn't be on the beach. I'd get a campsite at, like, a state park. What's the closest state park around here? I think there's one in Malibu.

It's called, like, Malibu Creek or something. Yeah, and they got a waiting list because everybody wants to live in fucking Malibu. So you fuck this. The Palisades has one, too. The Palisades. Okay, so after all your sets and shit at night. Right. You have to fucking drive.

To the Palisades. The Palisadesisades. Get the fuck out of you. But Joey, then also sometimes I could crash on people's couches. And sometimes maybe I hook up with somebody and I sleep at his house. I know that never happens. But in this fantasy, that happens all the time. And then I'd periscope the whole show.

I could get sponsors, you know? Like I could get like camping companies. Like maybe REI would sponsor me or something. Have you lost your fucking? Do you have a gun? I have a squirt gun that looks so real. That's not going to fucking work. You squirt me or a squirt gun.

I'm going to even get double pissed of you. It looks real. I keep it in my nightstand in case someone breaks in. Is it filled with water? How fucked up would it be? No, it's empty. Somebody jerked off in that thing and squirted it. You know, fucking drove around squirting you, and you didn't even know it.

How fun is it? I would love to do something like that. What is this on the ice cream? I don't fucking know. The best part of it is that I keep my fake gun in my nightstand right next to this purple vibrator that I have. And I always imagine that like an intruder breaks in. I accidentally grab the wrong thing. but then I figure like that actually if a girl grabbed a vibrator and like waved that at you when you broke in you probably be more freaked out and you probably leave do you think she was like psycho you're like what the fuck is going on I came to she's pulling the vibrator out and fuck it you just broke my train of thought that's what would happen right how you're doing over that

it's slowly taking over someone being homeless and like periscope I'm trying to figure out how but there's a there are a lot of people here who do the RV thing and I think it's really I think it's really interesting. It's very interesting. If I did it, I wouldn't do it at North Hudson, North Hollywood Park. Yeah, I don't know. I'd do it at a fucking beach. That's what I'm saying. I sleep on the beach. And think about it.

Get an RV, just get someone to give you an RV for a month. Yeah, yeah, plan this out. But then you wouldn't be homeless. Yeah, I wanted to be homeless. For real. And I think it would be so funny. Imagine, like, last night I went out for Girls Night was my friend. And we, like, dressed up on purpose because we wanted to, like, go out and meet guys.

How funny would it be to, like, do all of that, but still be homeless. have like hot dresses and heels and makeup but be living in your car. But you have disadvantages because I know you too. What happens if you can't wash your monkey for 12 hours? That's got some wang to it. What are you going to do then? What happens if you're meeting Johnny homeless and now your monkey smells homeless? What are you going to do?

It wouldn't because I would keep my gym membership and I would shower at the gym. Yeah, but the gym is fucking 10 miles away. So what are you going to do if Johnny's on the spot right now? I'm going to put some water in that cat. Go to the beach? Yeah. I don't know I haven't I haven't thought that for yeah I think of all this shit out because I was homeless so I fucking know what it's I don't like being swelly and my ass this thing I like taking showers after I take a shit all that when you're fucking yeah so when you're homeless you can't do that shit well so I was homeless I live two blocks from a gym I had to piss out the window and shit out the window because I didn't have a shower there what oh yeah where were you living in an office building over Josh Wolfe's restaurant in Seattle El Lobo local in 1995.

So I paid $1.25 a month for the office. And I would walk to the end. They had a little bathroom, no shower. So I would piss out the thing, and I would shit out the balcony. Or I would walk two blocks and go to the gym. And I took two showers a day. And I also worked out like a motherfucker because... They didn't have a bathroom.

They had a bathroom, like a pisser. So why do you just shit in the pisser? I don't know why. I think I liked it. You just like shitting out the window is what we just found out. You just like shitting out windows. Do you still do that? No.

I'm an adult. I can't be shitting out windows. I'd be afraid that I was going to fall out. Every time you tell that story, I would just imagine falling out a window as you're shitting yourself. I just think that, I mean, you're right.

Some of it would be complicated, but for the most part, I don't think it'd be that bad. And if a guy, say you are going to hook up with someone, you're not going to do it in your car. You're going to go back to their place, and then you just, you know, real quick, like, oh, I can't use your bathroom, and freshen up. Would you hook up with a homeless guy?

I have. I mean, I kind of dated a homeless guy for a little while. Are you fucking nuts? Well, I mean, just for like, it was for just a couple weeks. And where'd you pick him up on the corner, bring him home, give him a stab, and drop him off on the corner? He wasn't homeless when I met him. He was living in an apartment. And what happened?

And he got evicted, like, right after we met. He got evicted, and he had nowhere to live. So he was living in his car. And so I just kind of would let him crash at my apartment. place, you know, every once in a while and take a shower and stuff. He's really hot and we had amazing sex. But that goes a long way. No, it doesn't.

Now, how'd you got to understand this time? I just had this realization that might be coming off as crazy. You all, fuck. Eat some more star please. It's Joey's fault. He gave me a star with weed in it. The star of death. The star of death. I really want to talk to those. RV people.

Because they all park next to each other. I want to know where, like, there's one over here on Oxnard across from the Macy's, and they have like a whole family. There is? Yeah. Up here? Yeah, and it's like they have kids in it, and it's just like... They live in different locations, and they move at night.

Yeah. Or they move in the daytime. There are no whole park in the daytime, and they set chairs out there. When I go there and do kettlebells, I'll see people out there. They say, you know, hey, listen, man, if I didn't have my wife. I used to have a girlfriend and she was cheap as fuck

and she figured out having an RV one day and I'll tell you what, it wasn't a bad deal. She lived in a park that catered to that. So you move into these parks and you pay like 400 a month they got swimming pools and gyms and supermarkets and movie theaters. I know. It's fucking amazing. I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't fucking believe it. That's where she lived in Renton, Renton, Washington and I used to stay up there where it was a hike from Seattle, but once I went up there, I would stay up there for three days. I get weed on the fucking reservation. It's awesome. It's awesome. Let me tell you, one summer, I did this tour, okay? And I was, it was for, like, the national parks. And so the whole summer, we camped, because they gave

us hotel per diem and study using that. We just camped the whole summer. We stayed in a lot of those places. And it is unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It really is. And I just, the reason that I think I would like it is because I remember being the least stressed out I ever was in my life. I didn't have a whole bunch of clothes to go through every day to decide I went to wear. I didn't have like, you know, when the sun went down, I go to sleep. When the sun came up, I'd wake up. There was no, like, stress.

I just felt really relaxed. And I feel like maybe sometimes overwhelmed with my apartment. I look at homeless guys sleeping on a bench in the park. And sometimes I think that doesn't look that bad. It just looks kind of relaxing. I'm telling you. It's fucking crazy being homeless and sleeping outside. You know, when you go on the road and you're a comic,

there's nights that you fucking, you're bus. lands in El Paso on Albany at 4 in the morning but the connecting bus to Buffalo doesn't come in until 7 in the morning and you're there with fucking homeless people outside and you sit there and you smoke your cigarette but you're watching them

and you're like this is fucking interesting shit it really is I love talking to them yeah it's fucked up to think about like every like whenever it's like a bad like a bad one like they just passed out and it's like wow like like knowing like you don't have anywhere to go. That's the craziest part. Well, the difference is there's homeless people who do it

because they have to, and then there's homeless people who choose it. Like, I was in Moab, Utah, and I met a guy who was like the most homeless-looking guy I've ever seen. And I remember asking him, I was like, where do you live? Where do you live? Because it's so hot there. I was like, you live under a bridge. You have shade. And he's like, no, I love the sun. I just love living outside. Like, he just loved living outside. Like, he chose it. So I think the ones you see passed out, probably a little more like, you know, drunk, they're addicts and stuff. Yeah, they're all fucked up.

So back to the conversation with the hand. When did you get into comedy? Right, sorry. So I started doing stand-up in like 07, but I did it for about three years and then I booked that gig where I was emceeing. And then I left L.A. for like three years and just was emceeing full-time,

which I wasn't really doing comedy at all. But in a weird way, I came back and I felt like when I got back to doing stand-up, I was much better. Sure. Just from being on stage all that time. Yeah, and then I've been back about three and a half years doing it since. I saw you out a couple times, but the fucking bikini things make me laugh.

And I didn't want you to, I never didn't want you to think, there's a big thing with me with women in comedy. Like, I like women in comedy. I really support women in comedy. I know when a woman is faking the funk and I know when a woman is doing comedy. I don't know when the woman comes into the comedy student. She says, I want somebody you're right for me. You know, suck your dick. You know, you just want to be a fucking star in two weeks.

Oh, it's fucking crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. But, you know, I used to see the bikini things, and I would just die because it was deaf funny. It's not a broadener bikini. It's a broadener bikini who just doesn't give a fuck. But to see the white people around her. And all those little pictures,

the one when you're dancing at the kid thing with some black guy and you're just jumping up and down was one of the funniest things I ever saw. When you went and bought the printer was fucking funny. Thanks. And then I would talk about you to people. And I got to tell you, man, you know, when you go into the store and you see somebody, you're like, you know what? Yeah, I say a couple of funny things. But in reality, I'm just replacing that guy.

You know, I'm just replacing that guy, you know. When you see Noe Gonzalez, you know he was replacing Angel Salazar. You know, when you see different people When you saw Ralphie Mae, he was replacing that big fat guy He was staying out at the comedy store With the limos And that was crazy with the fucking southern hat

You would see the picture of them In the back wild or whatever You know, you see these people When I saw you and I saw you doing that stuff You reminded me of a young Felicia When I first met Felicia And I caught you some night At the belly room I went upstairs for something

And I caught the last few minutes here And I remember telling Josh Wolf I go, you know that fucking girl Kate Quigley She's not just a fucking bikini That girl's fucking funny You hustle You're out every night

You know You're not blowing guys every fucking night Which I would hear about You know Thank you And that takes a lot To be a woman comic You know

We had somebody in here A couple months ago And I told I know a girl Georgia Who I love from Australia She used to be a comedian At the comedy store And she made a statement

You know They were talking about All these women That get abused Doing comedy How it's a boy's game and blah, blah, bah. Excuse me.

And she wrote, you know, that's why I quit comedy. You don't know what it's like to get sexually harassed every night. And I thought about Kate Wigley. When I read that, I go, you get sexually harassed every fucking night. I mean, you get sexually harassed everywhere, Kay Quigley. I love you to death, but if I would have met you 30 years ago, I would have asked you point blank, let's got a rock a Coke when they put in your pussy and shit. Put that bikini to the side.

You know what I'm saying? Because you don't look at women like that. Now I look at you, and like I said, I've been at the comedy store. I've seen comics come and go. I've seen guys come and go. But I know a woman when I know she's trying to pull a fucking quickie. You know, they come into town. They think they have the, they think, I could do this.

I could be, you know, Natasha Leggera. I could be, they never think about the work. Yeah. And they come into town and they do this and this. And you see them and they make a little hedgeway. But they're sucking this guy's dick. they're sleeping with this guy and then you see them two years later and they're just fucking beat up. Like they just beat up emotionally.

And they just disappear. Yeah. I mean, the thing is, I don't know. Well, thank you, first of all. It is funny. The sexual harassment thing, this is the thing. It does happen. Every once in a while it'll actually annoy me.

But then I have to go, well, I kind of bring it on myself. I mean, I post these photos and stuff. There's a double standard if I'm like, oh, my Instagram, you know, one in every seven photos is me in a bikini and then I don't expect Guy Comics to... Well, here's the thing though. Like, I just started hearing about you a few months ago, I spent like with the Periscope show. Uh-huh. And when a guy hears about girls in a bikini,

yeah, you're going to go look. But even with your Instagram photos, it's kind of... It's not super close up. It's like there who do Periscope and it's just all boobs, which is great, but it's almost kind of, when you press and looking at your stuff. Right. And that's why you're sitting in the chair. But it's not about the bikini. It's

it's a joke. Right. It's supposed to be the reason they're like the way they are, the bikini photos I do is for people that don't know what I do is I go into random places where you shouldn't wear a bikini and I take photos of people's reactions basically like I did the church of Scientology or

like a cemetery whatever. There were no people in the cemetery actually. That one I felt weird about. But the thing is that the point isn't for it to be sexy. What it was originally was just, you know, I am not an ugly girl. And so

in my mind, I was like, well, I want to pick up Instagram followers, you know, using some sexy photos. But since I'm a comedian, there needs to be a way that they're funny. And so the whole in a bikini thing was just a way to try to kind of merge those things. But when you look at the photos, I don't think they're sexy. And like, I know some guys do because it's a bikini. But what I love about those is I get more comments from girls usually when I post those that think they're so funny, which I love. Like, everything I do, I always, I don't, guys are easy to get. It's like you're a chick with tits. Guys will follow you anywhere. But to get girls to like you, that's really more what I care about.

But I have fun doing those. And when it comes to stage and when it comes to like my stand-up, the truth is I just have, I'm a perfectionist and I love comedy, you know? And I love watching comedy. And like, I want to be a great comic. And so for me, like getting on stage and putting in the work, like, it's work, but it doesn't feel like work, you know, because it just, I really like love doing it. If I could get up three times a night, I would get up three times. I mean, we all would get up three times a night.

But there's nothing better than when you put in the work and you can tell you're getting better and it just feels awesome. It's just, you see so many people, you come, like I've been here 18 years and I've come across people who want somebody else to do the, what's that expression? Some people walk to walk. Other people want you to walk it for them, you know. I never heard it sounds good. I like it. on the black dude with the piano, the pimp, it takes a hard. It's hard out here for a pimp.

When you're trying to get the money for the rent, remember that movie? You know what you're talking about, but I don't. He says it in that movie. Some people like to walk to walk, some people like other people to walk from. You know, at the store, I've met, when I first got to the store, I was crazy.

I was doing blow every night, and I could pick out crazy checks. And they come to the store. Yeah, I'm going to do this. I want to do this. And you're sitting there going, where are you coming from now and they're attacking the career from the sexiness part yeah and i go and i in my head i go this chick is going to make it there was one Asian girl in particular

one Asian girl who i mean wanted it so bad but she wouldn't go on stage and sure what like it was fucking crazy right what do you mean like she just oh i want to do stand up but i you know you meet these fucking people but the women are really out of their minds there was one blonde that used to come to the fucking comedy store and pull me aside and go, you've got to fucking help me. Like, you've got to help me. And I go, I don't know what to tell you. Where did you just come from?

No, I got to be a regular here. I got to sign with three yards. You know, I'm running out of fucking time, you know. And those people always creep me to fuck out. This chick was crazy. I mean, I'm crazy. But not like desperado. Well, no.

But the thing is that, I mean, for me, when my standup turned a corner, when I felt it turned a corner is when I just started having fun. That's it. That's it. That's it. You know, because I remember at the beginning getting on stage and you're like, I have to be funny and my jokes have to be good and someone might see me. That likes me. Whatever. And I

remember one night that I got on stage and I was just really fucking tired and I really didn't feel like going up and I felt like it was kind of almost like I threw it away. But I had so much fun. I just didn't care. It's kind of like what I was talking about with acting. It's not that I don't care, but it's like, when you

don't care so much about the audience reaction, you're like, I think this shit is funny, I'm just going to have fun up here. Then they like you, then they think you're funny. And then that's when for me it turned a corner, I was like, oh, this is just, I'm going to just have fun up here. I'm just having fun up here. And the more I try to have fun on stage, the funnier my shit gets, you know?

Kate, I understand this. Maybe some people home are I understand. Sometimes you're going for an audition. And you have to have sheets in your hand. You know? And I was good. I always knew how to take an audition, go to the first one, and then while I was doing the first one, I would write the notes for the second one, because I wanted the second audition to be different and better.

So when I would go on for my first audition, I already knew what I was going to do in the callback. You understand me? That's how I set my shit up. So they're like, this motherfucker came in with two different fucking reads. Both of them meaning the point. But what I would also do, I would study these sheets. And I remember going in in front of maybe five fucking producers, like the guy from Drey's

drugstore cowboy, the director, Gus Van Zand. I remember going up in front of, oh my God, this, oh, Ruben Cannon with Wesley Snipes in the room for the movie fucking undisputed. And meanwhile, in the audition, this is what happened when I cared. My fucking hand. Shaking. From the nerves. Yeah, me too.

People at home, you don't have no idea what that's like when you care. You're so right. And you're going for broke. And all of a sudden, your hand will not stop. fucking twitching. And this piece of, this annoying piece of paper you hear is what happens to you in front of your future.

Yeah. This is your future. You have these five people that are going to decide and now. And right there, directors like, listen, if he's cracking in the audition, what's you going to do with Wesley Snipes is looking at him? And there's hot cameras and it's two in the morning.

Done. You don't know how many movies I blew because I shared too much. Because in the back of my mind, in the back of my psyche, I put that this was it. This was for all the morning. Marbles, this was going to change my life, I stopped carrying.

Yep. Once you stop that carrying, and then once you stop carrying, you learn how to formulate your six minutes comedy routine into those auditions, which now it becomes fucking lethal, because you're bringing in a weapon that nobody else is bringing in, even if it's a drama. Even if it's a fucking drama, this time I go on for a drama and I won't get it because the comedy leaks through and they're like, well, we can't bring this motherfucker in here. I do that too. Oh, yeah, the comedy leaks through.

But when you're really focused, the comedy won't leak through. You know, my eyeball will be straight. Whatever fucking happens to my eye will be straight. But that's what happens when you care. Because you think this is the end-all, be-all. And it's really not. It's about having fun. And okay, the first time you read, your hand might twits like that,

and then the director calms you down and says, listen, let's just have some fun here. Fuck all that noise. And then, but sometimes once your hand starts twitching, that motherfucker's going to twitch till you get to the car. It don't stop until you put your hand on the steel

and you're like, fuck! So true. Fuck. I'm glad it's not just me. It's so true. Oh, God. And it happens with sand up. When I want to go out there and kill,

I'm not going to kill. Give me two of those fucking stars. And let me watch a fucking TV game, a TV show. I go on stage and there's nobody talking to me. And then three minutes before that, somebody come into the room and annoy me. And it's all over because I'm not feeling it because of the star

and I'm not thinking about it. You're dead. It's once I think about going on stage and how I have to kill CBS is there. This joke has to work. You know, that sucks. Once they put that fucking pressure on you, that sucks fucking dick right now.

Yeah, that's the worst. It sucks because that happens to like with that Barry Katzen where I said when I went like 11 interviews before I got like my second job, when you say like you can't not, you have to stop caring, it's frustrating for people because either A, they think they don't care, like, they think they're not caring, but you can't, like you can't force it. And then B, like when people are going in for job interviews, you can't really not care until you already have a job. So it's, it's hard to get to that point. It all starts with your state of mind. Okay, so, okay, here it is. This is your office, Lee.

All right. And I got to come to your office and right. my name on the fucking thing and then knock on the door and then you're going to come out and get me. When I'm out there breathing, I'm fucking psyching myself up to come in here. It all starts at that door. It doesn't even start when you sit down. It all starts in there because if I come in

correctly and I sit down, listen, man, you could smell it. You ever smell something on somebody? You definitely know when a guy wants to fuck you when the guy's being in a nice. Okay? You know, when I was a salesman, they'd say don't let people

you have to pay the rent. Yeah, totally. Okay, I don't know. I'm not saying, not that you go up to somebody and go, hi, I need to pay the rent this month. No, it comes out to your body language. It comes out through your energy.

So sometimes it all starts with your energy in your head. I'm not going to be nervous. I'm going to go in there and fuck this motherfucker up. Fuck him. And if I don't get the job, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. If you tell yourself that before you go in there, then you might be a little bit more loose.

There's like a difference between wanting something and being like desperate. for something like look you could want like you there maybe there's a gig that you want so that's okay but i think what it is like for me this is going to sound so fucking cheesy but for me what it is is i'm really happy i finally figured out what makes me happy in life and it's i don't base my happiness on whether or not i get this tv show or whether or not i get i don't even base my happiness on like my next day i if i go on stage i'm happy i got to go on stage i have fun on stage always and I'm happy when I get to go surfing.

I found things outside of the business that make me happy. So then I look at the business as a job. And there's like parts of the career I'd like to have more than other parts of the career. But at the end of the day, that's my job and that's one part of my life. But there's all this other shit that makes me happy. So if something happens and I lose that job, that would suck. But I still have these other things. I think so many people in show business are just like so obsessed with whatever making it is that they just lose sight of everything else.

and that's why there's that desperation. It's like, I'm going to lose my apartment. I'm going to lose my car. I think that's why people care. I think when you finally find what makes you really happy outside of it, that's when you start to be like, oh, well, I'd like to have that job. Hopefully I get it. Hopefully I get it, but if I don't. I'm going to go see this, you know, movie with my friends later.

I still got to New York at the end of September and knock them fucking dead. Yeah. This is all a part of my arsenal. No, I get all that stuff. That's, it all starts in your mind because people could say, they could smell this. sense of urgency. They can smell your barracuda coming in. If I come in here and I don't really, it's like when you go to auditions for commercials,

they're looking for a chef and you actually see a guy that puts on a chef hat and a chef shirt. I try to bang him. And you stab that motherfucker. You really want to stab him. Like, you really want to stab him like, you just lost. I'd rather you come in here and do something that a chef would do, like touch his nose or touch their hat. That's what they're looking for. Bring food. And this shit that we're talking about, run. in your whole life. Kate, how many times have you liked the guy? You really like this guy.

And all of a sudden, nothing's going on. You take him home. Because I want him too bad. You take him home. You make out with him. It's okay. He goes. He doesn't call you.

You call him two days later. Now you're desperado. Now this goes on and on. Then one day you go, fuck this guy. And listen, he sees you out one night with a guy that you're not even banging. He just sees you with a guy. And by the time you get home, your phone is blowing up. Because it's better to want than to have.

That's it. And sometimes you just got to say, you know what? Fuck this bitch. And they're all over you. They're all over you. You're totally right. And this applies to work. This applies to career.

I wish it didn't apply to men, but it does. I'm the worst at that. I always start out real cool. I play it real, I act like I'm not that into it. I don't care. And then the second they pull away even like a smidge, I'm like, I got to get them back. I'm got to get them. And I go too far.

and then they don't want me anymore. Where's Tony better that cock-sucker? Don't you sit there. You want to go to the star? No. You sure? Yeah, I think four's enough. What do you got to eat at the house?

Her mom gave me more shrimp. See what I'm saying? Who takes care of you like Uncle Joey, cock-sucker? How are you involved in this? Because I knew she gave you something to go. I want to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. It's Monday, cock-suckers. It's your day to get out.

out there's a holiday week. Some people kind of retarded, not you. You're going to catch these motherfuckers when they're down. They're all picking a potato salad and what they're going to wear and you can't wear white after Labor Day. You know what? It doesn't matter what you wear. At the end of the week, they're all going to suck your dick. And that's it. It's just that simple,

people. Lee, take that look off your face. You got agile. You ate that bad fucking wholesale sushi you've been eating it. Oh my God, I'm fine. I'm just really fucking. You give me so much. I gave you nothing. I gave you two little fucking stars. Do you guys eat these stars every episode?

Every, we do something. I really like these. I got to get some of these. We're gonna finish it or one? You know, leave that. I've been eating bites of it every like 10 minutes. It's like a little orphan. Well, you know, I don't do.

So I seriously, in the last like six months, I've only smoked weed like maybe three times. Perfect. But I want to learn. I actually asked, I saw Ben Glebe the other night. You know Ben, right? Ben's a great. Yeah, I asked him if he would like take me to the weed store and teach me about the day. Because I would need something that's like a little bit of like an upper to help me concentrate.

They have that. They'll just tell you there. Oh, he'd, I don't have. have to take a comic with me? No. No. No. I don't tell you what. I don't know what to take. And then I want a sleeping aid. You need a little indica? They're all sleeping aids.

Yeah, you need a little indica in the daytime, a little sativa to calm you down, to flip it. Like when I was a kid that was a kid in my neighbor who, Lee and I bumped into a little crazy rich. He used to jump off Roobes and he got stabbed and shit. Oh, the guy from Chan? The guy at Chans. They used to give him, like, speed when he was 12 because that would calm him down. I think the same thing would work for you. You just, your mind's everywhere. You're always thinking.

and you're always working. You just need something to slow you down to organize your mind, maybe a little more, to slow you down. That's it. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't even go out or all or nothing. Sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode. Like there's so much going on.

Yeah, totally. You know, I know you have insomnia too. You can't sleep. Once you go to bed, that's when the movie turns on in your head, your life story turns on at one in the morning. You're right. You see yourself with Ben Affleck as his nanny and shit. God.

Next thing, you know, she fucking beats you. I know. I just know. I just know. this shit. I know, but that's specifically, that's amazing. But that's, what you have is a great compliment, man. And I've heard her from a couple guys say it that

not only is she really pretty, but she's getting funny or she's fucking funny. That's really nice. And then I see the other half of you. I see you out there hustling. I don't see you complaining on Facebook or bitching about, I went for an audition. The guy wanted me to suck his dick. You know, you know, listen, all these people that

suck the Cosby's dick, you know, when Cosby's offering you a drink, It's like side control in jiu-jitsu. You fucked up four steps ago. You know what I'm saying? If Cosby's offering you a drink, you fucked up four steps ago. You didn't fuck up with the drink.

Four steps ago. What's the fourth, what's the first step? Backstress that motherfucker four step. You know what the fourth step was? When you even talk to that black lucifer. When you even talk to that black. Come on. You wouldn't have talked to Bill Cosby if he came up to you back before all this.

Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Okay, half of them were in relationships. Half of them were married with a half. What's rule number one? What's rule number one? If a guy talks to him. I like you. I love you to death, Kay.

We go on the road. I take you on the road or something. You're never going to go in my hotel room as much as... Of course not. I want to see your little flying pussy. Thank you. That's Tom. Thank you. Okay. You know, it's just little fucking things. You're right.

Okay. You know, if you call me in the morning and go, Joe, you're not going to believe this. I'm in the hospital. I let some guy come up to my room to smoke pot. I love you and I'm going to be there for you. But after two days, I'm like, okay, can I talk to you for a second? Why was he in your fucking room? Yeah, totally. Where'd you mean?

Oh, I met him on the way of 7-11. So, you know what? I should punch you in the fucking head because there's these things that you shouldn't, you know, you shouldn't fucking do. If you're a married woman, what the fuck are you doing in my train? I agree with you. 100%. You know what? I feel uncomfortable.

No, Mr. Cosby, I'll see you next time. I got to go. Yeah, I agree. So if you, if he offered you a fucking cocktail, a dick drink, you fucked up four steps ago. It depends, though. If I was at a bar and Bill Cosby's sitting. at the bar and I walk up to the bar to get a drink and he's like

can I buy you a drink? I would totally take a drink then and have a talk of them just because I would want to pick his brain about But then you're on time release because he's watching you. You're on a 40 minute lapse. He's going to try to get you out of it in 22. Right. By the time he gets you to the car, that's 30. You'll pass on the way to the studio.

He picks you up. Your skirt's half off. No way. What a surprise. Oh my God. I didn't know you wanted me to eat your pussy. If not you wouldn't have pulled up your skirt. I mean, right. No, you have a point. I would never leave with a marriage. If I know a guy's married, that's it for me.

I don't talk to him after that. Like, the minute I know. I just don't understand what you're doing the guy's wrong. And listen, man, everybody likes to flirt. I like to flirt. You like to flirt. You know, you work in a bar. You got to flirt.

Sure. You know, everybody likes to flirt. But everybody knows the time it gets shut off. Right. Yeah, totally. And that's the other end of the fucking Cosby thing that I was thinking about, man. He got to the point where he gave you a fucking drink. you know, if you're in my place

and I'm giving you a drink, that means you're going down, Jack. We were really established it. I gave you a line of Coke. We know what time. It was this and she's going to get hairy later. We got an ounce to blow here. Well, the girl, they never said that, like, well, some of them said that he was helping him with acting and stuff.

Get the fuck out. But most of them probably would have had sex with him. Anyway, totally. I think that's the thing, is they drugged him. If you go back to a guy's apartment with the intention of having a drink, you're planning to fuck that guy. I mean, there's no other reason to go back there. So they definitely, I think that he could have fucked them.

I like you, stop. Cake don't fuck around. She goes, now you know it. Cake goes back to your house. What's that? Remember, pretty women? When she's trying to seduce Richard Gerey. She's like, come on, listen, I'm a sure thing.

That's the best part of the movement. And she goes, I mean, that's it. I'm a sure thing. Who is going back to a guy? If a guy says to me, like any time a guy says to me, do you want to go to my place, I just assume it means sex. That's what it means every time, right? You go, hold on, let me go to the bathroom.

Let me go to the little girls in the freshen up. Sex. You take a pee. You take a little sniff, make sure the coast is clear. There's no problems. There's no dingleberries hanging from your underwear. What if the coast isn't clear? Then you try to go back out and tell the guy, listen, I got to give you a rain check.

My grandmother just died. She had a story. I got to go home and fucking. That would never happen to me. I keep my shit so quick. I'm obsessive. No, that's the same way. That's what I'm saying.

You have to be obsessive. How are you going to be homeless? Six, seven hours on the sun. No, you're not going to be fine. Six, seven hours. That shit develops. You got old condom juice in there. You know what I'm saying?

No! Joey, that would happen now if that was going to happen. I shower a lot. I, you know, I shower a couple times a day now. I shower in the morning, then after my workout, sometimes again. And then sometimes even before back. But if you're homeless, what are you going to do? But you shower.

Campgrounds have showers. But you're going to go back in the middle of the night, like fucking... I would. I think I could make this. You went on Cosby's victims. You can't take a shower at 11 o'clock at night in the campground. I come crawling. Why not?

Because that's how you get stabbed and beat up. I feel like this is going to be, you know what's going to be cool about this? Is if I do this and I make it and I come out looking the same as I went in, you're going to be really impressed and you're going to. I'm still impressed me. You should come visit me at my campsite. I was going to say you're going to do a podcast from the homeless campsite. I would not have you here if you don't impress me. I know.

I love you. because I've just seen it. I've just seen the demise of women in comedy, and I see the root. And I see the route you're taking, and it's on a fucking fine line. But I love it. You push the envelope.

It's not like you're out there, and I'm hearing fucking stories, and you're out there just taking titty shots or whatever. You're out there fucking working every now. You go to men rooms. I see you in a lot of rooms that you've got to have balls. There's guys hanging around. It's not like a library with a bunch of women with glasses and tattoos.

Thank you. How creative they are. It's a woman's night. Oh, my God. It's so liberating. this tea. Get the fuck out of you. I'm at the fucking ha-ha. Banger that with Jack Jr. I'm going to watch my drink.

You go to the ha-ha with Jack Jr. You got to watch your drink. That's Cosby's nephews. Renee Garcia. Those are my dogs, the Agostina. Look at you. You're like, oh, shit, I have drank over there. I'm like, oh, God. I'm like, oh, God. I broke up with my brown backwards. No, but you know what the thing is

for me? I think the reason I just fit in so well in comedy is because I was always a tomboy and all my friends were always dudes. Always growing. How's your relationship? with your dad. You have brothers? I have bad daddy issues. That's what you're trying to get. I have a brother and a little sister. My dad, I mean, he's still in my life, but my parents split up when I was in fourth grade.

And my dad was pretty absent. Like, I'd see him maybe once a week, but a lot of times he'd blow it off. And it wasn't until I was a grown-up. He kind of, like, started to really make an effort to be, like, a better father. But now he's hilarious because now I think he's trying to overcompensate for that time, because he's, like, overly, supportive. Like, get this. You know, have a show on Playboy TV, right? My fucking dad calls me and is like, hey, I just wanted to you to know, I got the Playboy channel just to watch your show. I ordered it just, I'm like, this is the most disgusting thing you're, I don't want my dad of anyone to not watch the show. I don't want my dad watch it. Like, I'm not naked in it, but the whole thing's about sex. I'm talking about what I've tried and what I haven't tried. And like, my, my

dad, my biggest fear is like, you know, my dad watching like some other show on the Playboy channel with his dick in his hand and then like a commercial runs for my show. And like, suddenly I'm on the screen. But he's so proud. He has his friends over to watch the show. Friends and family, they come over and he texts me. And he's like, we're all watching your show. And I just want to kill myself.

So embarrassing. Hey, man, it's a different type of pride. You're out of you. They know, you're doing it. You know, he was absent for a long time. And you talk to him every day now? No, I talk. No, maybe like once or twice a week we talk on the phone.

I talk to my mom every day. I'm much closer with my mom. Very nice. Do you feel bad about being out here? I just went to visit my mom. And she's fine with me being here and this is what I'm going to be for a while. But like this is, my dad just visited it and then I went to go see my mom and for a second. I was like, am I being selfish by being out here?

But I think she's happy. What the fuck would she be doing for yoga falls? What the fuck would she be doing for yoga for? No, exactly. You know how many times I've gone on the road and I've walked into a small place? And I've seen a girl that looks like Kate. and I've wanted to reach open and say, listen, pack your bags and get the fuck out of here.

You have no idea what your future runs. Thank you. You're dating this fucking chubby guy behind the man who wants to, you know, come here, let me talk to you, let me straighten you out. You got to go out. That's so funny. They got to see you in Hollywood because you're wasting your time. What are you doing here?

You're going to bang a UPS guy and have three kids. Yeah. Obviously they have to see you. And then you'll be the hot mommy at the pool. Take a chance, Columbus did go out to Hollywood. shake that ass, let's see what we can. You know what I'm saying? And then after five or six years, if you don't like you,

you meet a director and you move back to where the fuck you're from and you have a couple of kids. But at least you gave it a fucking college try. Yeah, I mean, the thing is for me, when I was like six or seven years old, I wanted to work on TV. Like, I told my mom and I wanted her to move us to California. And so, like, my whole life,

I talked about wanting to move to L.A. So it was like the kind of thing where, I mean, my mom and dad are super supportive. They want me to be here. I do, I will say, I do sometimes feel a little bad because my mom has lupus and so sometimes she she's pretty sick and I worry like, I'm missing all this time with her, but I know she wouldn't want me to be there because I wouldn't be happy. So I mean, now I don't feel bad being out here. What? I don't know. It's not like an overall feeling, but every once in a while

I'll sit there and I'll talk to her and be like, she's like, when it's snowing and she's shuffling at her own car. I'm like, God, like, am I being an asshole, but no way. You're just smarter. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. This is a cool, this is a really cool moving to L.A. story, but the reason I end up moving out here is because I had a moment. I was at a bar in Chicago. It was right out of college. I was working as like a Jack Daniels girl, I think. And I was at the bar and there's this old guy sitting on a stool. He's probably like 75 years old. We started talking and he asked me, you know, what do you want to do besides that? and I was like, oh, I always wanted to work in show business.

Like, I want to act. And the guy was like, why are you here? And I was like, well, Chicago's not a bad place. I mean, I got married. I was married at the time, and I got a scholarship here. And the guy was like, you know, my whole life I wanted to work in show business. I always regretted. I never moved to Hollywood.

And then I got married. I had kids. I bought a house. And I was in debt. And I never got to do it. This old guy sitting on the stool and he's like, it's my one regret. And I thought he was going to cry. He was so, like, wistful about it.

it. And I went home that night. I said to my husband at the time, I was like, listen, I'm moving to L.A. Like, if you want to come, that's great, but I have to do it. I don't want to be 75 sitting on a bar stool like, why didn't I ever go out there? And so he was like, okay, when? And I was like, next week. I literally quit my job. He stayed in Chicago. I packed my car and drove to L.A. the next week. He stayed there for like six months, and he kind of worked. And then he came out here. And then we lived out here together. for a couple years and then we split up. Where is he now?

He lives in New York City. He works in, like, fashion. Good. You still talk to him, you know? Yeah, we're cool. Like, we talk every few months, actually. It's, I, uh, don't get frustrated. I just can't believe it at times.

Like, I didn't listen to a lot of people, but I listened to a lot of people. Like, there was a select people that I listened to growing up. You mean about? When I was growing up, I didn't have parents, you know, So after I was like 16, I was out there on my own. And there was people that I just knew they had life experiences that I would listen to. A lot of people, I didn't know what the fuck I wanted to be when I was 21.

Yeah. You're very fortunate. I just knew I didn't want to stay there. Like, I'm like, I just don't want to fucking stay home. Yeah. New York is nice. And I got this all to myself and I get drugs and I get machine guns. But this isn't know everybody you want to fucking do.

I didn't know I wanted to be in the entertainment business. I like movies, you know. Yeah. And it's weird when I see Lee and Diagostino and I tell him things. And, you know, they think I'm telling them like to torture them. But I'm telling them because nobody else will tell you these things. Like how lucky you are. I did Ryan Sickler's podcast last week.

When Ryan Sickler was here, Ryan Sickler has a certain gift. You know why? Because Ryan Sickler lost his parents at an early age. So he knows how to pick my mind that he took those stories out of me the first time, but the Chinese guy was shaking down and all that. And we had a good laugh. Well, last week he tapped into a part of my life where I had a hard time last week, Lee.

I don't know if you noticed I was a little off last week. I had a hard time with that. Like, I thought about it the next day. Like, that was some fucking tough 18 months. Like, I robbed this. It was like one story after the other. Martin the Fag. The Meadowlands in, beating up Santa Claus.

You know, John Lennon. I was like, and I went home, And I really feel guilty about that part of my life all of a sudden. But I don't know how to... I told my wife tonight. I said, you know what was bothering me last week? From 1979 to 1984, I caused fucking havoc. And I don't know how to fix it.

I don't even know where to start and apologize. Like, who to say, hey, I'm really fucking sorry for my behavior. Because I remember a thousand things I did. There's got to be a thousand that I fucking forgot that were just as fucking bad. you know that's crazy so you want to apologize to everybody I don't know I'm not saying apologize I just wouldn't know where to start to fix that part of my life but one thing I even though I was going through a hard time I took advice from different people and I took good advice you know like I took the good good shit and I rammed and you have to really take advice

from old like older people will tell you fuck go for it but you meet somebody who's old and they'll look in the face and go hey man you want to do something it's done tomorrow But no, no, no. I don't want you to go home and make a plan and tell me in 18 months. I'm talking about tomorrow. Yeah. This is the pressure. It's like a silent pressure you have to put on yourself.

That's why I was doing that. When I went to something and I'm thinking I'm going to going to Colorado, but I'm going to let my friends go out first. And he's like, no, you're not. You're going next week. You're going with them. Because if not, you procrastinate. Right.

That's what we do. We procrastinate. You know, we'll find every excuse not to do this or not to do that. I'm happy you took that guy's advice. Something in his tone Something Just something You know

I just remember Just thinking I don't want to be that guy I don't just don't want to regret anything I haven't done anything I regret in life I don't want to regret that You know so How long have you been married at that point I got married at 19

I met that guy I was 24 I moved out here and he's 24 So yeah Five years Four and a half years I got married super young 19 Yeah that's why

That's my whole That's what like my whole stage act Is about And my whole life is that I was married from 19 to 30. So pretty much like all... You married 11 years? I was married almost 11 years, yeah.

No shit. Yeah. So all the stuff that you're supposed to do and like fuck up in your 20s, like all that shit, I'm doing it now. You never cheat on? No, I never cheated on. You never cheated on it. You're by the books.

I wanted to for like nine years. But I never did. But let me just tell you when I say like the whole time I was married, actually, I remember thinking, because my dad cheated on my memory. mom. And the whole time I was married, I remember thinking, oh my God, I have like my dad's impulse to cheat, but like I didn't want to cheat because I wanted to be loyal. So I was fighting it for like nine years. And I love the guy so much. I still, I love him so much. So I thought that I'm just the kind of girl that would always have a wandering eye, no matter who the guy was. I just thought it was my nature.

And I didn't really realize until we split up that it wasn't that. It was just because like sexually, I just wasn't ever, it wasn't working for us. And so like, it wasn't until I got with some more guys. I was like, oh, I don't have a wandering eye. I just wasn't with the right person. Like, it was such a huge like mind-blowing experience going through the divorce. It's like someone died. You've been divorced, right? Yeah, it's terrible. It's like someone dies.

It's terrible. It's the hardest thing hands down I've ever... What made you divorce? I'm like, what? Was it a sad divorce? Did you fight? Well, it was a sad divorce because I really... We both really, really love each other. Like, we still do. You know, we're best friends from when I met in my freshman year high school.

It's her best friends. But, And there was no anger. There was no one cheated. You know, it wasn't like that. So it was really difficult. But it just came to a point where we'd grown apart so much. We had super different interests. I wanted to be here.

He didn't. I wanted to do stand up. Like, he wanted to work more in like marketing and other. Just he wanted to be in New York. I wanted to, it wasn't working. And I think that almost made the divorce harder, the fact that we were still friends. Because I didn't hate him. You know, when you break up with someone because they cheat on you or they're awful to you,

It's hard, but at least it's like, well, fuck that guy. He's an asshole. This guy was so great that it made it a lot harder, actually. And it really wasn't until, like, honestly, I feel like about six months ago that I really, like, one day was like, I think I'm actually over it. I think the whole last, like, two years I've been dating people just as kind of like a band-aid on the divorce. Like, I really finally am now like, oh, I'm actually enjoying being single. I'm happy. I feel good.

I feel in control. I didn't really feel that for a long time. No, once you get divorced, it's like mourning somebody. Yeah. Especially if you've been with them for a while. My divorce wasn't as painful as people said. It was when I got to the kid, for the two-year-old at the time, that it got. Oh, yeah, of course.

And then, you know, it wasn't as much the loving part, so I got it. In fact, I couldn't believe it. Like, she moved out, and I thought I was going to be really in the dumps. And I really wasn't. And I was in shock. Like I felt bad Like I was mad at myself For not missing her more

When we first broke up Which is You're pissed But at the same time That's telling you something You weren't supposed to be with her No But I still mourned her

It still threw me off my game Like I can feel it now That it's still fucked with me In different areas Really? Yeah And I was dating younger girls And I fucking hated it

Because I was 28 And all of a sudden I was hooking up I were 21 year olds, and there was fucking a huge gap for me. I thought like I was 40, and they were 21. And there was a huge gap for me, and I would giggle with them and whatever, but I don't like this ain't fucking me. Yeah.

This is bullshit. This is just not me, these young chicks like this. Why did you get married at 19? So funny. So funny that you asked that, because I always talk about this on stage, too. It's like the first thing everyone asked, and I'm not really sure. I mean, I think that, you know, I was young. I loved him. He proposed. I remember thinking that if it's either marry him, you know, when you're that young, you think like, well, if I make this guy mad, I'm going to lose him forever. And we were best friends before we ever hooked up. I remember the first time he kissed me being like, I'm not really that attracted to him, but now he kissed me. So if we aren't boyfriend, girlfriend, he won't be my friend anymore. I mean, I was like 18. I was like a kid when he proposed. I was like, oh, I guess I should say yes or he'll break up with me and I love him. So I married him. I mean, that was like really.

all the thought that went into it. Plus, his parents were, like, very religious, very conservative. And I wanted to move to start my career. I knew I wanted to work in show business. I wanted to move. And I knew we couldn't live together if we weren't married because his parents wouldn't be cool with it. So there was just, I mean, it wasn't like a grown-up going into a marriage. And now the funny thing is, I don't care about getting married ever again.

Like, I. You will? You think? Yeah, you will. Because now I just feel like there, if I'm with someone committed and living with them, I don't know that I care. Why would you, like, what do you think

being married is good for other than the tax perks? Peace of mind. Yeah? For you. You're a loyal broad. You're not going to go nowhere. You meet a guy that you really like and you're on the TV show and whatever. You know what? After nine years, you're just going to get sick and tired

to say, my boyfriend, after eight years. Oh, I see what you're saying? You're going to say, this is, where am I going? Yeah. And then, you know what I'm saying? You might be right. I was, listen, after my divorce, I'm old school Catholic. You got one shot at this.

And once you fuck it up, you fucked it up. It's embarrassing. You probably feel like some shame and stuff. I was embarrassed. I've always told people that. Me too. The divorce from me meant failure. Me too. Somewhere along the line, I failed.

I fucking failed. This is about two people getting along. Yeah. Nobody cheated and you treat me right and I treat you right. There's no reason for us to go anywhere. Totally. Maybe let's go somewhere and talk to a third party and we'll work on it and we'll work on this. When you just give up, you failed.

And I don't give a fuck what society tells you at this point. You failed. You failed in a human, and you fail for different reasons. I failed. Listen, if you don't take care of something in the beginning, it's going to bite you later on in the ass. If you don't take care of that shit in the beginning, you go, okay, she'll just love it. I'll do it for now. Yeah. Six years in, both years are going to go, listen.

I do not like when you shit in this house. Yeah. It stinks up the fucking house. You can't do it no more. That's a serious conversation. That needs to be had. Just this little things that people don't know that I did with this girl. To be honestly, I didn't really love her, marriage lover.

Yeah. That's not marriage lover. My wife now I marriage loved her. I was with my wife in nine fucking years. The first one? This one. Before you got married? Nine years?

She must have thought you were never going to marry her. She actually said that And she went home And came back And I could tell when she went home She got a little beat up Like her parents Like nine years

A brother got married The brother had a kid And I could tell when she got back Something just wasn't up And here's a woman now When I did the longest yard And I'd wake up at 445 My football uniform

Was on the fucking thing There'd be two eggs And bacon And baked potato And I said Wait a second Where am I gonna get this? Yeah

How does this work out? You know, there's girlfriends, there's relationships, there's people that I, Kate, it's 1245, let me come over. And then I do my thing for a week. Of course. And you don't see me for a week and you live your life. And that's cool of certain nights. Then there's the, you know, the boyfriend-girlfriend. You make your own car payment.

I make my own. You live at your place. I live my own. And then there's the motherfucker that moves and says, Kate, I love you to death. Listen, do me a favor. Go pursue comedy. I got this. But you only make nine bucks an hour.

I got this. And he gets an extra job and they work for you and they cover it. But I already had that guy once. I know. I don't think I'm ever going to have that. Yeah, you will. Yeah, you will. I feel like you only get that one.

No, no, no, no, no, no. If you wait for it. Yeah. Listen, if you wait for a fastball, it'll come. My man's a fucking baseball fan here. You wait for that fastball and you don't swing. They're going to throw some curves again. They're going to strike you out a few times.

But you're going to get that. He's going to break. down and throw that fastball at you. Yeah, you're right. And you always just stick it out. You never know, man. You're a pretty girl. I mean, I can't see you not hooking up with the right guy again. You hook up with some comedian and you go home and, you know, I got a spot at the store

and he's at fucking Barney's Beanery then it's not going to fucking work. You know what I'm saying? No comics. I feel like I feel like I've said it so many times now that it's finally like out there. No comics. No comics. But what's funny is

I get messages all the time. course, from comics that I don't know. And they'll ask me out. And the first thing I say is I'll just go, hey, you know, I don't date comics. And it's hilarious because every comic is like, oh, I'm not a comic, I'm a writer. Oh, I'm not a comic. I'm an actor. Oh, I'm not really, I don't really do stand up. I mean, I just, I only do the improvs, but you never really see me. Like, everybody, it's just so funny how fast people are not comics. They're trying to sleep with a comic. I won't do it. I can't do it. And I don't want to either because it's too much. Like, The other night I went out with a guy who's not a comic.

He's in the business. So he's in the business enough to like get it and like get what we do. But it was kind of refreshing to not just like, you know, talk about. Wait till you got on account it. I couldn't do that. I killed myself. No, you wouldn't. I couldn't do it.

This is what I'm saying. You know why? Because now it's something different. Because it's not a common point. See, right now you're in love with comedy. Comedy is your fucking every thought. You wake up in the morning, you think of fucking squeat isn't going to load out of your monkey. washing it and then getting on the stage.

You really do. We were talking about the passion you fall in love with comedy. You're right. There's a point of comedy that you fall in love with it. It becomes your group. For you to succeed in it has to become your wife or your husband. Yeah. It has to, you know, and you get, oh my God, people don't know that third year in L.A.

How you're like, okay, I've been here, I've been there. Now I've got to make different missions. I got to get different plans. And, you know, I told Lee, you don't know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep from wanting to be funny so bad. Like wanting, not even to be a star. No. That's bullshit.

No. Just to get laughs. That's it. Like, you have no idea, like, how hard it is to get. Like, if you get two laps in the set, the front, like, I fucking suck. I used to fucking have a hard time. Excuse me, but... Sorry, that fucking star of death is going through me and shit.

It's, uh, you're going to find a guy that's got your back. Yeah. And that's what you're looking for. Listen, there's people that you date, and then you break up, you're young. And years later, you're like, why did I date that person? That person didn't have my back. Of course, yeah. We flocked, and the sex is great, and she let me put ice cubes in the pussy.

And, you know, we did this and we went to Montreal together, but they didn't have my back. Montreal. Once you meet somebody who's got your back, you're like, oh, oh, I get it. And now I can't let her go. So when I married Terry, that was great for me. She was happy. Big smile on her face. Not fucking three years later, she walks into my room.

I told her that day for the first time. She walks into my room and she was like, I'll tell you something. You knocked me up. She was 40 fucking two years old, the 44 when I knocked her up. She was happy as shit, guys. She thought she was going to leave this world, not being a mom. So the other day I told her, listen, before Terry, I was with a chick that had an abortion punch card. Oh, my God.

Are you for real? This chick had. If you looked at her, she had an abortion. Today, she's got, I was with her for four years and never knocked her up. Four years of unprotected sex and never knocked her up. So you thought you couldn't get anyone pregnant? I think that about myself. Okay.

So when I hooked up with Terry, nine years. Yeah. Nine years. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No birth control. You pull out even or no?

Pull out. I don't even feel it. I just sit there electrician. Like somebody's actually. me with one of those pig guns. I just sit down. Yeah, that sounds right. Whatever comes out, comes out.

Sometimes it comes out of my ass and it goes back. I don't even know anymore. I'm an old man. But when she first came in the room and told me that, and I said, congratulations. I didn't get sad or nothing. She cheated on me. Oh, of course.

I didn't say nothing to her. I was like, listen, this is her hand. She's going to have to come out and say something eventually. For like the first three days, I walked around a little fucked up. for fucking eight and four for 12 years I've been shooting

fucking loads and nobody's getting knocked up I mean in horse loads you know so now you gotta think oh no dog I'm a big fucking dude you know an ounce is gonna come out

I come in you it's gonna gurgle and shit it's like fucking it's like eight nine 10 ounces of fucking milkshake juice and shit oh my god I wish that could be the name of your album

what milkshake juice and shit if I'm gonna come in here it's gonna gurgle and shit Yeah, fuck, it's got a gruelling shit in that. But I get that because I, I, you actually just freak me out because I never, I've never been on birth control ever. And I mean, I use condoms with strangers, but I never use them in relationships. And I just assume that I can't get pregnant now. I've just assumed I was barren. But here's the thing.

Even when I don't drink, you don't do drugs. I drink a little bit. You don't smoke cigarettes? No. No, so I don't get it. But I did. I did for like three or four years. in college. But here's the thing, is my whole life from when I was really young, I remember being

like 13, 14. I always had this feeling that I couldn't have kids my whole life. I don't know if it's true, but now I'm starting to think it's true because I've never gotten pregnant. But now that you told me this story, I'm going to go find out this week. Because I don't want to surprise. You got to go to yoga. Go to yoga. They'll knock you up. They just knock you automatically. So what I was saying here before, it's so weird that what I was, hooked up with my wife. She was into the acting thing. And then she started booking. And then one day she came home and she goes, I'm never doing this again. She booked, she booked the billboard and like, and she got some good dough too. Yeah. And she's like, I'm never doing that again. That was the

worst thing. She hated it? She hated it. She hated acting. She fucking hate. She goes, I can't believe I was there for 16 hours since 6 in the morning. They ran out of water. It was like a shooting. She was a union principal. Sure. They ran out of water on the seven. I mean, It was just one of those days. I know. Highest day of the month in July, sunscreen, she had to get hit with water a thousand times. Right.

And she's like, I'm never doing this again. I'm not doing the auditions. I'm not going to acting class. So our home became something different. It didn't become a home of two people talking about the same stupidity. 90% of the stuff I do is to thwart what we do. Because I know how bad it is when it's on your mind all day. When you wake up and it's on your mind.

and you smoke a joint, it's on your mind. After you have sex, it's on your mind. And a little comedy gets on your mind. So after a while one day, you're like, you know what, for me to get better at comedy, I have to step away from it. So I'm going to go do something where there's no comics, where nobody even knows.

Yeah. Where they don't talk to me about this shit, they talk to me about it's a pottery class and Crenshaw. That's perfect. Because that's why I tell you, it's like bringing a phone into a gym. You're not accomplishing nothing. Yeah.

Leave the phone. You can't leave in the car. the fucking phone will burn the debt. So you got to leave it in your locker because then it's your hour. It's not looking at the phone going, oh my God, I got to get it. Now some idiot calls and says, I want to help you write in 20 minutes. Now it fucks with your workout. I always tell people that when you're creative, that's when I get up and go to that gym in the morning.

When I'm doing jiu-jitza, I'm helping puffing, I'm in my back. I'm thinking of the jokes and you know. The whole time. The whole fucking time. It's opening me up. Yeah. So it's just so weird how I always look for that. So I don't, my mind.

And that's why I liked about dating Terry after like three years, that now we have become a house. So now after like five years, when somebody would make me an offer, I would go to my wife and go, listen, this is the offer I got. My wife, we go, nope. Yeah. And I go, why? And she goes, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And she was right. But I wouldn't think about it that way. If I had an actress wife, I would have taken that fucking stupid job and got fucked in the ass because we got two whores living in the fucking house. You're right. So do you understand me? Yeah, that's true. I didn't want somebody.

I'm lying to you. You know, when I started dating Terry, she was doing, she was a waitress, and she was trying to act. So, but now that I have a, I'm in a relationship where 90% of our conversation isn't, I wanted to see John Lewis today, and he didn't cast me, and oh, my God, well, I had the worst day of my life, too. Fuck you. Yeah.

You know, John Caparulo said that shame of walking the house when he was watching the Sports Center and get in front of the TV and start going, my joke bombed. And you're like, ah, oh, yeah, yeah. Well, listen to the joke. I said it this way, but then I didn't say it this way. You're right. It would be all you would talk. It would just be all encompassing.

Yeah, you're right. So even if you were the guy that's in the business, I say he's an agent, it's still going to go home to this chit-chan. You're right. You're right. I don't want to fucking do this. You're totally right. You know, can you imagine if Paula was in this shit?

No, it's great. It's great. You'd go home and talk to her about law and her fucking dilemmas and opening up a GEOI spot from Mexicans. When you say I'm married in 19, like I think about how it would have, like I think about the girls I dated when I was in. Like I thought I was in love with them.

And like if I, like, I never used condoms. Like if I had gotten one of them pregnant, it just you get so lucky. But don't, listen, man, I could lie to you and tell you when I was 18 years old because of the situation I had been in losing my mom and stuff, there was nothing I want to do more to get married at 18.

There was a girl at my eye on. I was just waiting to manipulate this girl. Really? Oh, fuck you. I love this girl with all my heart. So that's how it was, and I mean, my step-sister, same thing, like her whole life, she just wanted to get married, have kids. That's all she

ever, when she was little, she just, I remember her always saying, like, I can't wait to be a mom. She just couldn't wait, and then when she got married, had kids, that's it for her. Like, that's fulfilling for her, and that's... I just thought that it was the way to do things. Yeah. That's the way I was brought up that you meet somebody you love and I didn't I loved that we were like in kind of a relationship but in the back of my mind I'm like I like to

hook up with her and get this party started like I'm gonna get out and get out of this life I want this life so I could see why she got married in 1918 I could see it man I know people were still married since high school oh no I can see I'm just saying I was thank God it it didn't do it's crazy it's fucking crazy and then to take away she's like a Catholic girl. Now I understand why you're so crazy because they shut you down from 19 to 30. Those are your fucking years. That's why I'm crazy now.

And that's also why I suck at like general life because it's not just dating. I mean, I talk about it with dating, but my ex, God bless him. I swear to God, Joey, he did everything. He did everything. Like he cooked, he queened, he paid

the bills, he took care of like taxes, like all the logistical stuff in life that you have to do. I never did it in my 20s. I didn't even know how to do laundry. I did laundry for the first time. I'm not kidding you, like a month ago. I had never done laundry. After

the divorce, I was like, I don't know how to do this. I would just take it to fluff and fold all the time. And it's not like I was spoiled. It's not like growing up, I had to mow the lawn and clean the apartment and shit like that. But my ex just took really good care of me. So it's been like, seriously, an 18-year-old moving out for

the first time has been like my experience last three years. And it's been insane. I mean, I wish sometimes that I'd just have video cameras like running all the time because I'm such a disaster. But I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to like learn, figure it all out. And you want to throw it all away and be homeless? Well, yeah. Because now I'm just like having fun.

Now I'm like, oh, I got this. So now what would be a good thing? You're really good with the videos. Thanks. You're really good with the videos. You know, you're out there. And that's what these people understand. You have to be out there.

Especially today. you have all these weapons available to you, you have to use all of them or take three of them and be really good at two of them. Yeah, people always, it's, I mean, look, it's not like I'm super successful in show business, but I'm working in show business, and people always ask me,

they're like, what, you know, what kind of tips would you have for someone that's new in Hollywood or whatever? And I say, the worst mistake you can make is to just sit and wait for someone to come, like your agent to call with them. audition or sit and wait for anything.

Like every job I've ever had in show business has come because I went out and like got something myself. Like I made a video and sent it to someone. They called me in for something else. Even the Playboy show, the way that I originally got in the door at Playboy is I

sent them a bunch of photos, funny, sexy photos with a letter that was like, you guys should do a spread on like hot upcoming female comics that's like a funny spread and they brought me in for a meeting and they ended up being like, oh, you're so funny. you should work for us and do sketches. But like, I've never gotten one job just sitting around waiting.

I keep as many balls in the air as I can all the time. Like, if I have a day off, I shoot something every day. I take one day a week now because, kind of because of you. Because we had a talk where you told me you do jiu-jitsu and do this shit where nobody knows who you are. And I was like, that's a really good idea. So I started going to Venice once a week and playing volleyball with people that aren't in the business at all.

But other than that, I don't ever take a day where I don't do like two, or three things to put out on social media because now in the world we live in, you can build a fan base on social media. And when you go, do stand up on the road, they'll come. You know, they will show up. They're very loyal. Yeah. You have a certain thing that you have to have to be successful in any fucking field. And you have it. And it's not your looks or you're very enthusiastic and it comes across. Like your enthusiasm is, uh, it motivates people. It motivates me sometimes. your enthusiasm like fucking, you know, if you really want to know what the fuck you have to do,

follow Kate. Oh, thank you. And see what Kate's doing and then check what the fuck you're doing? Like, oh, what the fuck did I do today? This chick's got three pictures on Instagram. She's got fucking a picture of her with a bikini on a fucking Chinese restaurant ordering takeout. You know, another picture her doing stand-up last night.

Another picture her in a car with Eric Myers and the fucking Jewish guy Glickman going to a gig, you know. Glickman's a hustler too. That motherfucker, he don't sleep. That's a Jew dog. Old school Jew Glickman. That motherfucker don't sleep. And you give him a topic and he'll write a show around it

and sell that thing to the improv. And if it fails, it failed, Joey. But guess what? We're going back in August 24 with the Jewish show. Hitler somebody dresses up. And that's what it takes. Gickman works harder than anyone I've ever met. Anybody I've ever met.

He is such a hustler. But the thing is, he has more shit going. on and let me tell you something. I've never met anyone in my life who's connected to more people. It is unbelievable. All you need to do is give Glickman an idea dog and check back with him in 10 days. It's so true. That's it. That's the type of Jew he is. He don't fuck around. He came on my podcast one time. One time as a guest, he's like, this is a really cool idea for a show. We should co-host it. I could do so much with us. I'm like, okay, cool. Yeah, whatever you want. Like within a month, Gickman's got us a network to be on. He's got the artwork done. He's got a live show.

Like, he's crazy. He's amazing. And that's the enthusiasm you need. Because even though you're not hiring, don't, not hire for too long, because I might fucking shut you down. That's Glickman's fine. And Glickman's doing this from an old perspective.

Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, okay, you don't want to hire me at Nick a night. Don't take too long. I'm the guy for here, but don't take too long because I'm doing shit. Yeah. And in about 18 months, we're not going to have this. this conversation. We're going to be having a different conversation. How are you going to pay me for this

fucking idea? And it's amazing how you have to, at least I had to learn to focus it. Like, we had that talk a few months ago when I was doing Uber for a few weeks. And you know, like, if you put that time in, like, something for yourself, you'd make way more money than you... I am sick and tired of people going, I'm a photographer,

but in the meantime, I'm waiting tables. You know what? You lost a battle with this fucking safety net. You want to be a photographer? Let's start here. Go, take pictures. Put them on a fucking fly, make 100 flies and go to every coffee shop and pass them out. 100 flies a day, I guarantee you'll get a call a day. That's it. That is it.

I guarantee you'll get a call a day. And that effort you're putting for $8 an hour and picking up forks with dog hair and people breathing on you and shit. You put that into yourself for three weeks. And at the end of three fucking weeks, you'll be making a living and what you're doing. It might not be what you want to do at the time. But closer. But you'll be close. You might not be running the studio, but you'll be sweeping it.

And at least you got your foot through the fucking door. I never liked that thing. That's why our friend can never do a good podcast or never have a career, with the guy with the movie podcast, because there was always a safety net. Listen, that 20 hours a week you're selling insurance, you could be doing a thousand things for yourself. And in that month, yeah, you're not going to be able to eat for a month, bro. But after that, you're going to be making a living.

And after that, if you keep putting the hustle into what you're doing, it's just going to snowball. It just makes sense. It just snowballs, man. And you're going to have a bad one. But you're not going to go back to waiting tables. You're not going to go back to waiting tables. Because that breaks you down even more.

Because now you're not living your dream at all. Now you're not really living. Yeah, I'm after. I took pictures of a dog on a mountain last week. Who gives a fuck? We're going to make a living, bitch. Right. And that's what I like about you, that you're very enthusiastic.

Most women depend on their tits. Most women depend. on, you know, you depend on your enthusiasm, and I really like it. And everything else is a cherry on the fucking Sunday. Thank you. You have a nice body because, you know, that's the way life works out. And I'm hungry. You hungry right now?

Always. Well, not really. Oh, hungry, hungry, hungry. I mean, I'm just hungry all the time. I think you're not hungry, like in and out, hungry. No, I mean, I'm hungry. Lee will walk you in and out. He knows everything in and out.

I love in and out. He's the fucking general manager by proxy in and out. That's so funny. Thomas the girl was on a radio show. and he told the story about you knowing everybody at Burbank Airport. Did he? Just walking and just knowing everybody. You know everybody at Burbank Airport.

That's my smuggling route. Let me give some shoutouts here. That's hilarious. Kate wants to get the fuck out of it. No, not at all. My main man, Cody Wilson, Alex Costino, Alan Hill, Matthew Knowling, Bobby Sharon, and Crystal for coming out last night,

Hokey Spooky, for coming out last night, David Wilder, Albert Jimenez, Ernie Laver, David Cole Jr. and my man Corey Ruck, you bad motherfucker, start off the week with a tremendous shout-up. But that's the truth. I've always said that because I did it for a long time. I would make those excuses.

Ah, I'm doing comedy, but I'm doing this part-time. And that part-time, you can be writing jokes and making calls to get you into a comedy club or a ride here, and you're just wasting your fucking time. And nowadays, you never know what is going to be the thing that kind of breaks you or suddenly, gets you a bunch of fans. And if you're at a, if you're waiting tables when someone calls you for that thing, I mean, like I, I don't know for me, I am obsessed with keeping my time open. So I always,

I try to find ways to make money through social media now. Like it's, you can do it. You know, if you find a good idea that's funny, you pick you, you have a periscope, you know, you pick Avenue, you get on there, you build a following. You can make money now. You can get sponsors. There's just so many ways now to go around having like a job or it's a clock in and out and a side gig. And for me, I love it because then you get a phone call to just even come shoot a sketch that pays 75 bucks. It pays almost nothing, but who cares? Because it's something you do. I've had a couple of those that'll like go viral, you know, and I'll pick up a bunch of followers or something.

So I just feel like nowadays there's too many ways that if you are smart at all, you can find a way to make money doing what you want. You really can't. At least, I don't know. I think you can't. I was going to drive an Uber, you know what I would do? I would periscope and I would find a way to make like driving an Uber into a show. I wanted to do an Uber last week with me and Lee,

as Lee's Uber manager and we let Lee pick people up as Uber and we tape them like that show on HBO, but then they have to sign releases and Uber has to know we might get in trouble. Why does Uber have to know? Because Uber eventually will fucking know that we're in the car with me and Lee and we're picking up people and I'm his driving coach.

Make a left. But if they sign releases, who cares, right? The passengers? But we're still oozing. Why have a TV show and then three years later, Uber shows up with a bill. Yeah, that's true. I think we can go to Uber and just pick people up at night,

driving places and me and you together as a team. Why don't you just put a mustache on the front of your car and just grab people? Because they'll just think your lift car. 60-40, you know what I'm doing? Because I'm putting the deal together, you know? That's hysterical. That's a great idea. It is a great.

I almost called you last week in Boston. Why didn't you? Because you're busy at the fucking game with mom. You're probably eating fucking lizards and shit. Like one once every 18 months and that's how you get a brilliant idea. That's why because you weren't around, cuck, sucker. Do you ever feel irritated because you have so many ideas you want to do?

I have so many things I want to do. It, like, makes me tired thinking about it, and then I can't stop. It's endless. The shit that's in my mind sometimes is endless. And then they all seem like such amazing ideas. Great ideas. I have great jokes. After midnight, my jokes are brilliant.

Then when I wake up in the morning, I look at them and I'm like, oh, that was... I know. I'd say that. I'll fucking get up and open up like tied tennis places and shit. Like, I'm always looking for the next hot thing, you know? I think I... A sun tanning boot with a yoga spot next door or something. Yeah, I have the same thing.

You snap out of your stupidity and you're like, fuck this noise. I'm a comic. We're fucking comics. And the only way to become a really good comic is to commit. And the more you fucking commit, the more you get better. You know, when I see a comic and he's telling me, listen, I'm thinking of directing, a short, that's the party's over for me. You know, how did you become a

director, dog? You barely do eight minutes at the store. All of a sudden, now you're a fucking director. You know, I'm a comic. And I can sit here and tell Lee Lee, let's do something. We'll be producers. Have ever come to you with that shit? No, I'm a comic, I don't know anything about that of this shit. I don't want a big mom. A director's a director.

A guy is a director the same way you woke up when you were six at night, six in the morning. You wanted to be a director. You want to be a fucking actress. When you're six, you're like, you know what? I think I can be a director. And you feel it, you grow with it. This shit that's happening now, people showing up.

I got a thing last week. Oh, I got a great package last week. I got a package on Gmail. This is the movie I did. It's fucking tremendous. The movie I wrote is an Academy Award winner. This is only needs Joey Diaz. I look at the other thing.

It's on Vimeo. That's a giveaway right there. You didn't do nothing with this fucking movie. A bunch of people yelling, jumping up and down and shit. Oh, my God. He sends me four emails in a row. this is it I sent the package to the agent and oh by the way

you have to put this audition on tape for me and I go before we do anything how much Gidis is involved here because Papa got miles to feed I never heard from the guy again that's how quick because there's strokes everybody's a fucking director they got a camera they do this

oh I've seen Pope friction I've seen clerks who gives a fuck who gives a fuck about Kevin Smith yeah totally he's a fucking 80 he's a 90s director where nothing matters he ain't gonna go down into the same wise mom and all those motherfuckers like that. You're a little fucking confused for that, bitches.

What night does your show come on? The Playboy TV show, it's on Saturday nights at 10 p.m. Good for you. That's a good time. I'm really proud of you. You're a good lady. I know you work hard, and I just want to introduce you to the audience that you're going to be doing things.

And it's not because all your God-given talents. Your enthusiasm is fucking, you know, and I know. I know what it's like to just wake up in the morning with your dick hard going. I'm going to go out there and fucking mangle somebody. That's exactly how I feel. And then they start cutting your legs off and you lose. And then you learn how to take your energy and you just flow it at one or two things.

What do you think, Lee? What do you got on agenda this week? You got flying your radio, you got fucking tank tops, you got consulting businesses. This guy's got more business, Sammy the Bocavano. I got all that. No, I got a bunch of stuff this weekend. You want to do another star?

No, I did four stars Why not? You didn't do four stars I did two The other one was like one No Let's eat one more For fucking the Jewish people

It's Monday Passover's right around the corner No it's not When is Passover It's like April Roshana Oh those are the worst ones Well in September

Yeah well in October No September's coming Let's do the podcast Let's do the sponsors And we'll get the fuck out of here Real quick I was down in Austin this week On it is

Blowing up guys right in front of our fucking faces and all started with this alpha brain Earth grown new tropics alpha GPC AC 11 that's all great I can break the down for you and tell you a bunch of fucking lies I don't know Beautiful thing about alpha brain it makes you more focus but the best thing about it is It's got a hundred percent money back guarantee and we don't want the product back That's how good this motherfucking product is you understand me if you don't like alpha brain they have the new mood They got the the the shroom tech sport the Strong bone. If you want to fly,

Lee got sick. He didn't take the shroom chicken meal. I flew today. I'm tip-top my goo because I popped two of those motherfuckers after I had two breakfast burritos at Austin fucking airport. Next to the salt lake like a motherfucker

which wasn't serving brisket at 6th the motherfucking morning. Did he wait in line for no? You just go up and take two fucking room. No, they had no barb. The barbecue thing was open, but there were serving eggs. They weren't serving fucking

the brisket with the whole thing. So I settled for the two potato cheese and egg, breakfast burritos with a little hot salsa and a green fucking tea, iced tea from Lifting. Stop it. I got on that plane like a soldier, you understand me? Then they tried to give me that death fucking cheese island

with that Bouvacqua turkey. Get the fuck out of you. I don't want that carbohydrate-infused biscuit they give you on American Airlines and shit. You're shit in blood for two days. Anyway, go to Honet. Right. Go to Honit.com right now and press in.

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I want to thank Honit. I want to thank Hitties Sigs. And I want to give a big shout out to Nelda Life for being our beautiful sponsors. But not as much as the beauty that's in the room with me right now, my little Irish princess fucking Kate Quigley. What kind of name is Quigley? Thank you.

It's Irish. Irish. I know what the fuck you think you're dealing? I can smell an Irish broad when they're close to me. I swear to God, though, that's all I dated for years. You can smell them. Oh, I love it. What are they smelling?

Guinness. Fucking, I don't know, Irish. Leprox. You smell the little freckled titties. It takes you to a different level. I went to Sacred Heart School. And I played St. Michael, C.O. All those girls.

Colleen Maines. All those girls. I love all those Irish chicks, dog. I love them that little pale skin and shit. Tell them. Look, though, I'm not... Well, my grandfather's Native American, so I'm a weird breed.

That's why my skin's kind of tan, but I have the fracas. My wife, too, she's Native American. Really? Yeah, with Irish. But you're like a casino owner, Native America. Yeah, I wish. Like a sneak up on you.

I don't know what I'm saying? Most Indians, you can't sneak up on them. They're really an Indian. You can't sneak up on an Indian. That's their claim to fame. You couldn't sneak up. You didn't know that, Lee? I had no idea.

You could fucking be silent. You could be a feather. You can't sneak up on. Come on. If they're a real Indian. They feel you. I think I have that. Have you tested this out?

Yeah. Like if you tried to sneak up on Indian? Yeah, it was an Indian kid. I think I have that. I feel it. You do? I feel people. I swear, I feel like, sometimes I think it's a ghost.

It'll be a person. Yeah, maybe you should go talk to the doctor about this out of all shit. Yeah, I think I need that. You're falling anyone on the room. road soon? Actually, yeah. Well, Tuesday night at the Ontario Improv. I actually have my own show out there. I'm Brad Williams will be out there.

It's called the Hollywood Pool Party. And then I'm in Phoenix next weekend at the Laugh Factory with Gene Pampa and Eric Myers. So totally, everyone should come out. It's going to be such a good show. Good fucking show. See? I want to tell you, she's always trying to make a fucking buck. Yep. What are you doing next week in Cock Sucker?

For Labor Day, Memorial Day, whatever it is. They're going to the fair. That's right. You got the tickets. You're going on the fair that get stabbed. Bring a bulletproof vest, cock's second. It's going to be fun. All right, what are you going to buy now there? I don't know.

You don't know nothing, do you? What should I buy at the fair? Popcorn. They guess what? They have fucking fried watermelon. It's so gross. You ever eat it? Fried watermelon?

I love the fair. What fair? The L.A. Fair. Oh, I'm going to miss that. Damn. No, it's going on for a while. Really? Yeah.

I love Carnies. I just like talking to him, you know. Who? Carnies. Who's Carney? The carnival workers. Oh, Jesus Christ. They're my favorite.

What is wrong with you? You never talk. You got to go and you got to just talk. You're going to go to those dirty motherfuckers. I'm not going out with them. But that's what they do. They dose you too and they take you into the fucking house of pain, whatever they got. And the next thing, you know, you're a fucking pregnant chick on a circus tour with a guy.

Dude. That's what you should do. Join the fair instead of being homeless. This is when I should have known. known that I had daddy issues because one of the first guys I remember being like, he's so hot was one of the, you know the clowns that sit in the dunk tank and insult people until you hit him? I remember like the insulting clown. And I was like, I was like, 15. And I remember the insulting clown guy and being like, he's so hot. Like he had clown makeup on, but just because

he was such an asshole and he was so mean, I was like, he's so hot. I want to go out with him. Like I was super into him. I should have known then that I was set up for a lifetime of problems with men. You're fine. You're fine. Do you see a psychiatrist? No. No, you should.

No, fuck no. You don't have no problems. They're all in your head. Right. That's a psychiatrist, too. Yeah, but she thinks he's got an issue with guys. She's got no fucking issue. I don't think I need a shock here.

You're ready for the issue with guys? When you see a guy that you like, you don't know. Oh, I always know. It's just that they don't like me back. You don't say what I'm. saying to you. If, because lately you've been picking some bad ones. Yeah. So right now your fucking compass is off. That's what that means. So when you see a guy that you fucking want, go, no. I don't want him and turn it around. Oh, say no. Go for the guy. No, no. I don't want you

to say no. I don't say no. I want you to look at a guy and go, that's my type and go, no. Because right now you're the kiss of death. You're picking poison. So we're going to get your compass back. You're right. So I want you to go, next time you go out to a bar, I want you to go up to guy that you would never go up to in your life. All right. Check his hand out if he doesn't have a ring. I'm going to do it. Go to a guy that you would never go up to that guy.

I will. Never. Like, whatever your type is, this is against you. Total opposite. Total opposite. If he's fat and you like skinny guys. Right. You know, what are you laughing about, Lee?

Maybe she likes a little fat Jews. I'm getting you hooked up to you. Right. Case the fucking. All the chubby dude to like, you're just trying to like you hook it up for Chubby to do. Just go to any chubby dudes. Any guy that you're.

He likes big guys. Kate likes guys of the strong. She likes those little, everybody likes to sing. How do you know? Because I can tell, Kay, you're a fucking classy woman. You're not looking for, you're looking for, you're looking for somebody to take care of you and smack you in the ass and tell you're a cock sucker. You're right about the end. Make something to eat. But you're also looking for a man to love you and care for you. And that's the fucking women.

Women are a fucking puzzle to me that has always been like, we don't want the guy that's right. for us as women. We want the guy that beats us and steals the car and fucks my sister. We want to fix it. We want to fix it. It's so weird how looking back now I saw the choices that girls I went to high school with made

and I see who they're with now. You know what I'm saying? There was a particular guy in high school that she was hard and she always wanted the guy that was 10 years old. That bitch ended up almost going to jail and with a kid and he's never talked to the fucking kid. So what did she do?

She became a born-again Christian. Christian to take the tasted dick out of her mouth and move to Florida. And now she's with a guy that she would have been with in the beginning. Yeah. He's not John Travolta, but he's not fucking ugly either, you know. And that's when you, that's why I want you. Just one time. Next time you go do comedy, whatever, a guy that looks at you.

He says, just say, can I buy you a drink? Just as an experiment. Yeah. And yes, I'm going to offer to buy a drink for a guy would never normally be in. Never. All right. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it and I'm going to report back.

Are you racially, like, do you date any nationality? Yeah, except I don't like blonde for whatever reason. Just because they look like my, we look too much alike. Right, right, right. But anything else, yeah. You're going to end up with like a Greek guy. You're going to marry like a Greek or an old school Italian guys. I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, like a Mediterranean guy. You like Mediterranean guys. I like Mediterranean food. Same difference. I haven't been with enough guys. I've only been with nine. Oh, 10 now. But what if there's like a Mexican dude with blonde hair?

Will you go with him? No, because that just sounds fucking awful. What about like a guy from Spain, like a Spanish man? Yeah, for sure. Like that good-looking Spanish guy goes dancing with the stars. He's like blonde hair, but he's from Spain and he speaks like that. Oh, he's blonde? Yeah, like blue-eyed.

I don't know. No, probably not. I'm just not usually attracted. Maybe, but probably not. But Spanish is like Raphael Nidal? Yeah. Who's Raphael-Dazte. He's a tennis player?

He's a tennis player. I don't know what that is. He's hot. He's fat. I don't have comment. You what? I don't have a comment. I never really understood how the hottest girls I know always have the toughest

fucking problems with guys where they're so insecure about themselves. They're going to get cheated on. I never understood. I got to start a school. It's because the hottest girls you know are the hottest girls you know because they're so insecure that they have to look hot all the time. I'm speaking from an insecure girl's standpoint. That's why they're the hottest girl, because they put the most effort in.

Yeah, but guys don't like girls that put effort in like that. We like you to have some flaws. Yeah? Really? Sure. We don't want you to, you know. Well, you're in luck guys who are listening because I have flaws. Everybody has fucking flaws.

Yeah. No, I mean, that's the thing, though, is that, like, I always say being a hot girl, it's only a teeny bit of actual genetics, and all the rest is money. That's all it is. Anyone with money can be a hot girl You get the right person training you You get a makeup artist The Sephora

You get the right hair extension I mean anyone It's just having the money And then you know Girls that aren't insecure And don't care as much about being like super hot They probably spend their money on other things Like traveling or I don't know

Books What do you think fuck though I don't know What are you gonna go home and eat that garlic shrimp What do you make it over white rice No she gave me Mexican rice. Mexican rice.

What do you have for dessert tonight? I got pudding, I think. What type of pudding? Chocolate. Look at you. You're telling such a donor. Oh, he's the man. I love it.

I got pudding. No pepperoni, nothing like that. That's not dessert. Whatever. I love you guys. Thank you for listening to the church. And I want to thank Kate Quigley. How can they find you?

Thank you. Oh, you guys can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Kate Q Funny. And you can follow my Facebook page if you want. There you go. And Lee, I love it. be Cox second we'll be back Wednesday afternoon or Wednesday night we haven't decided yet

I have a great day today Monday go out there and knock him dead I'm fucking starving my stomach's growling jack I only ate a little bit of Cuban food my wife made tonight come on Lee what are you doing? This show is brought to you by honor.com by who? Onit.com

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and e-cigars, used co-board Joey's church to get five hit E-6 for $50. It's a little bit. This feeling inside. How much money I'd buy a big house where then again, no. Travel and shit's my song. This one's for you.