The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #314 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 3, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
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We're going deep, bitches. Wednesday, September 2nd, the day the devil was fucking stabbed in the heart, and then they spit in his mouth. Then they ripped his fucking horns off. And then God knows what else? I fell asleep. Oh, shit.

Break out the reefer, break out the heroin, the gorilla biscuits, whatever the fuck you got. We're going deep today. Labor Day weekend. Who gives a Frenchman's fuck? What's the story there? Fuck nuts. What's going on with you today? Oh my God, I'm high as fuck now.

That's the point. You know, it's 3 o'clock. We got a podcast. I ain't really to have nothing crack or lacking tonight. I'm going to have to go find the setup here somewhere, and that's it. You know, you might as well get the blood going. I got to pick the baby up at 5.30. I'm all tuned up.

I went to Jiu-Jitzen. I got beat up. How'd that go? Terrible. You know me. I'm terrible. But I go. I get choked.

I got punched in the head today by mistake. You got punched in the head? Sure. How? But the guy went to do a move, and he clocked me. What are you going to do? Okay. He's a good dude.

I'm not going to be mad on him. you. You're looking good. You got a little sun tan that fucking join I smoked with you. Got your all red in the face. I like it. Oh my God. I thought it had hash in it again. No, I got everything else in that. I had some fucking Chinese opium. I got everything. No, I'm doing really good,

man. I just, it's been really fun. We're working on the special. So it's just, it's like, that's why I, when I first contacted you, I got, like, I grew up in Boston. I went to a few comedy shows, but most of my interaction with it is, well, watching specials.

So now going through, because we've done two CDs and it's, but that's fun. But a special just did something

different. It's just, I don't know. And sometimes it doesn't work. Like there are specials that I think are better CDs. But when a special works, it's fucking really fun to watch.

Listen, how you get hooked on comedy is by a good special. Yeah. You know, everything goes right. I'm nervous, but I've been doing it for 20 years.

I'm a professional. What are you nervous about? Just the whole thing, but not really, because I was and I thought about it, and I wrote a little bit just unwind and look at it later on. And when you do the work, you should have no problems. The only time you're nervous is when you don't do the work, when you know you haven't done the work. I do the work.

I write, you know, I'm writing this thing for Ari's show that we're taping. Always got a great lineup on this is not happening. I heard that on this last podcast. Rod White. Gabriel's doing this. you, I mean, Rogan's back again. It's going to be kick-ass. You've got to show up with a fucking great story, you know?

So you got to figure stuff out. So from writing that story, I'm writing material. I put little sections in the book. So I'm writing three things at once with the focus on the special. Once the special is done, it's Ari's thing, and then it's the book. Finishing up the book, hopefully get Gordon going. Oh, cool. I'm just embarrassed to send them anything at this point because you look at what you're

right and you're so critical of yourself. I'm critical of it. everything of myself. I mean, that's why I don't look at video or listen to CDs or something. But when I do listen to a taping, I do learn something about

what I just did on stage. So it is very beneficial. It's just, I'm scared. Do you think it would change the way you do comedy? Because you... Fuck yeah. I'd be elevated to a different level. If I listen to my sets every night, if I remember to tape them, go home, listen to them, listen to how I said that thing.

You change the way you do your set every night. Because I'm a fucking moron, because I don't listen to the one that works. If I would listen to, if I go home and listen to a set, and even though everything else sucks, I try a new joke when I say it a certain way, I'll say it like that every night. If I remember how to say it, if I listen to how I say it,

I just don't do that. These next two weeks, I have to do that. Oh, okay. It pays to do that. I listen to what I did in D.C. And that got me going a little bit, so from there you could write a little bit. Even though I don't like listening to my voice, you know, I don't like listening to myself on a fucking podcast

and nothing. That's not my bag. I don't like watching myself on TV. I don't like none of that shit. You know, it just doesn't look like a sick feeling in your stomach or something? It just doesn't feel right. It's something that you're not supposed to do with feel. And then I always didn't say nothing to nobody about this. But I watched the Pirate of the Caribbean and let him in one night.

And he was telling him let him in the same thing. They were talking about dailies. And he goes, I don't look at dailies. What do you mean you don't look at dailies? He goes, once I shoot it, I'm fucking done. What am I talking about? Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp.

Pirates of the Caribbean. Listen, if Johnny Depp don't want to look at himself and he looks that good, you know what I'm saying? Like, if he doesn't want to look at himself, how do you think I fucking feel? Johnny Depp is beautiful, at least when he shoots fucking films and shit.

If he doesn't want to look at himself, how do you think I feel? But wouldn't the argument be that you're a good comic? So it's not like some comics be like, well, I suck. You're listening to stuff that's making people laugh. So it's not bad.

There's just something about... Oh, no, I totally... I had a friend was. When I first moved to Lack, I got invited to a Super Bowl party. And there was a bunch of fucking morons there pretended to be industry people. I didn't know no better.

I still kept my mouth shut. I didn't say nothing. I just went and watched. There was a couple comedians there. But at halftime and this, in front of all these fake industry people, this guy had the ball to throw a demo reel in. Now, I could see

if you were in the outlawed Josie Wales, the mechanic, fucking, you know, five Academy Award movies, I'd walk with that CD in my back pocket. When people ask me who the fuck of my, I'd throw that shit on. Who the fucking mind?

Let me tell you what I did with my... You have the TV with you too? Yeah, with a TV, with a fucking thing on the screen. This guy, you know, I don't know what he was thinking. Not to mention he was a bad comic at the time. He was young.

He throws this fucking reel in. And he's got this big smile on his face. Like, he's about to change the world. And it was like, to make it even, worse, it was like a 16 minute one. Oh my God. Where at least throw a three minute one in and people tolerate it like a Super Bowl

commercial. This fucking guy's was 16 minutes and right in front of him, like people watched it for a minute and then people started turning away. And I felt bad for him, but at the same time, I was like, what the fuck are you thinking? Do you think he's just stupid? No, yeah, he's fucking stupid. Or could it be that he's just so vain? Well, that too.

He's stupidly fucking vain. Yeah. Whatever the fuck makes you do. 16 minutes. Those were the first executives to hear that for 16 minutes. And it wasn't good. It was, you know, it was like short films and he had done like

films with his friends. Even if it was fucking. And he had a piece of him party of five. Not even with Scott Wolf and the stars. Like fucking doing something. That was it. That was his real. The rest was and listen, at the time who the fuck was I to talk? I had

dick. I had nothing, but I had more sense than to bring a fucking real and pop it in a Super Bowl. Was it his house? No. No. Yes. Yes, Lee.

He went up to the host. He was like, hey, let me put this in. Lee. Everyone will love this. No, Lee. You're my brother. He didn't even ask the host. He just drew the VHS tapement.

And everybody was like, what is this? And he goes, this is my demo real. And you could feel he came killing the room. Like, it's Sunday. It's the Super Bowl. And this is what you're deciding to fucking do. I'm surprised. people just didn't just leave.

I was so fucking embarrassed for him. But I learned a lesson that day. Like, I couldn't believe. I would never dream of doing anything like that. I would never dream of going up to a reel and giving it to somebody. You know how many fucking people give me reels? Really? Like if I could do something.

I'm trying to get in a fucking movie. I need my insurance next year. And these motherfuckers are coming up to me asking me, do you have a fucking, can I give you my reel? What am I going to do with your fucking real? And a real isn't even necessarily entertaining. Like, it's just little clips. And it could be like a good part. No, some fucking clips are great.

Some reels are great. I was looking at Ed Quinn's real. I mean, there's some actors that have fucking... You don't even know who the fuck they are. And they've been in ten huge movies with Denzel. You know, they're just regular actors. His real is... I got a couple friends that they're fucking real.

Like, they're not comics. They're fucking actors. Like Emilio. You know what Emilio's real must look like? Jesus. Jesus. Well, it's impressive, but it's like not for entertainment. It's not like people...

No, no, no. Oh, I see what you're saying. No, no, no, no. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But who would throw a fucking video of themselves up? Exactly. Like a five-year-old. At the fucking Super Bowl.

Lee, I would never dream of doing something like that. I would never dream of putting on a tape in front of you and my wife. I get embarrassed unless I really fucking know you and I really love you and you've been there for 15 years telling me along the way. And you ask, I think you would be like, hey, do you mind watching this? No, people came over the house. I said, do you have Marin? I heard you were on Marin. Somebody came over and I put it on for them the first.

And I walked out of the room. Really? I walked, oh yeah, I go in the kitchen. I don't want to see myself on TV. Those premieres and all that shit. Listen, I did, you know, years ago, like before 2006, before everybody went broke in Hollywood and they became cheap. You know, years ago, all the agencies had Christmas parties. Right.

I mean, well, they serving caviar and people fucking flying in the air with firecrackers. and their assholes, no, but it was just small agencies with some cold cuts, maybe a cake. All that's been taken away. Agencies used to send you Christmas cards. Nobody sends me fucking Christmas cards from the industry. And one of the things they removed were viewings. A lot of times you come up to me and go, Joey, I did this thing for ABC and they're showing it at Warner Brothers Tonight.

You want to come on me at 7 o'clock? When I first moved you, I did a bunch of those for people. Just went and watched. And a lot of times you do a short film, people get a nice little screen. And you invite a friend or something like that, you know? I just couldn't sit there when my part came on. I always had to get up and leave, make believe like I had to answer the phone or... Like, what goes on in your head or your body?

Like, what is it? Who's this fat motherfucker? First of all, I think that somebody's playing a trick on me. It's like when we went to see, like, I tolerated it because of the church. I did it for you guys, that Christmas Eve when we went to the movies. I did it because I knew the people that ever show up. were part of something. I didn't want to get up in front of them

and walk out and insult him. We put the thing together. We had a great time. We got fucking high. So, I came. We all came. It wasn't an Academy Award movie, but we went.

And the only reason, when I came on, I closed my eyes. No, you didn't. Yes, I did, Doug. You know me. I make believe like I got something in my eyes and I look down.

First of all, when I watch myself on something like that, I think that somebody's playing games with me. Let's be honest, okay? the truth. I feel like I'm too high and somebody just took a character out and inserted me in there just to fuck with my head. It feels so

surreally. Like somebody just took well my body's my body. Even though you remember rehearsing, you remember shooting it, but just seeing it. It's the fucking creepiest, weirdest feeling in the world. What happens when you do ADR?

That's when I see everything and that's when I first get really embarrassed and I get choked up for a few minutes and usually it's just me and the sound guy right it's funny because I've done those stupid Christmas dog movies and I've done my five of them so it's the same sound guy oh wow so I always got to go

to Sherman Oaks and I see him and we giggle and it's just me and him in the room and the first time he could tell that I was uncomfortable like I'm always uncomfortable the first couple takes and then once I get going I get going like once I get going and I overcome my fear I fucking go

but I just don't want listen When you look at yourself on the screen, you know, it says it adds 10 pounds. In my mind, it adds 50 fucking pounds. Oh, I know. I used to hate looking at pictures of me. Heads 100 pounds. And then you hate your voice. And you hate your hair and you hate your mouth and you hate it.

You know, it's just this thing that it probably is all part of an insecurity. You know, it's something that you've always had, whatever, you just hate. My voice, I can't fucking hear it. Really? Oh, I fucking hate it. When I hear it, I just run out of the room. You have a cool voice though I have an annoying voice

But you know it's little things like I just can't do it I just can't do it sit there When people edit my reels Like that's why I go to the same guy for 15 years Same company 15 years Even though he's pricey as fuck I love him I've been with him for 15 fucking years

I was there when he was an employer Before he bought the company So he only deals with like big guys and shit like that But he still talks to me Like when I go there, I sit with him and he has a computer in this room. They have like little offices. Yeah. And they have little underlings, and you sit with them and they put your things in.

It's really cool where I go. Yeah. They used to be in Los Felice on top of the chicken place by the Scientology. Oh, really? Yeah, you know the chicken place? Right by UCB? Yeah. Yeah.

Have you eaten that chicken place? Yeah, not bad. The onion rays are pretty good. The fucking soup, the spicy chicken soup. I used to get it when I get sick back then. Do you ever do, oh, it's kind of off topic, but do you ever do UCB or not really? One time. One time.

I got to go down there and look for parking and do comedy for people who don't want to see me do comedy. You know what I'm saying? They don't want to see somebody else do comedy. Fuck them. I don't fuck them. So, but like what, I mean, yeah, you never, like, what are you going to do if you get, like, a TV show or something? Not watch it. What the fuck am I telling you here?

Not watch it. Tape it and move on with my fucking life. Like, I do with everything else. Half these fucking movies I do. I don't watch it. I have like 10 movies on Netflix that I made over the years. Like after 2000, not in a million fucking years. Not in a million years.

There's got to be like four of them I have. Something's mother with Stacy's mom. Okay. Wasn't that a song? Yeah. Stacey's mom. Has got it going on? Yeah, Stacy's mom.

I did something else and a ball with strippers that they were going to add a part two. And they called me and made an offer. And then part one was so tight. that they just went away and started shooting other movies. They made it off, it just went away. Oh, my God, dog. They did part one, but it was one of those fake Pauly Shore rants. Do you remember when Batman did his rant and it went viral?

Oh, right, right, right. That was the guy. Christian Bail. Fuck you motherfuckers. You're in my life. You're in my life. You're not professional. Well, after that shortly, Pauly Shaw threw a rant in that movie.

And it was also the guy from airplanes last month. movie, he died after he shot that movie, Nielsen. So it had all this fake heat. And I don't know what the fuck the name of this. Can you believe that? I don't know what the fuck the name. I did that. It had to be four or five movies

that I did. From 2007 to 2010 that I had no fucking idea. I don't know when they got released. If they did, what happened? What about your animated work? Because you don't see yourself. You just hear yourself. I had never done animation.

You did one thing, right? Trip tank or something a year or two ago? Oh yeah, but I didn't watch it. I taped it and I gave it to the people that put on my reel. I didn't watch it. Okay. I'm telling you, Lee, I won't do it. Very seldom when Joel sent me the tapes from D.C.

I fucking listened to them because I was alone in my room. There were 40-minute tapes. I listened to it for about 16. That's all I could tolerate before I had a fucking headache listening to me. That's fucked up. I got a bunch of emails from people, like maybe four emails in the Gmail. that they were really unhappy with Kate and then I got like two on Twitter

you know and the ones I got on Gmail were really like fucking mean about like they don't like when I put a woman on here they didn't understand. Was it the homeless thing? I think she was kind of joking around with the homeless thing. Don't, she's a fucking hustler. Kate will get a camera, put a bikini on and go out there and live on fucking Venice Beach.

Don't fuck with that girl. That's why I had her on the show. I didn't have her on the show because she's a fucking knockout. We don't have women that are knockouts on the fucking show. You know, we have women that have a fucking spine. They do comedy, and I give them the most fucking respect. And if you can't fucking deal with that,

I don't understand why you even listen to the fucking show. What else what I'm about? I guess that she's a woman or, who knows? I put her on the show because let me tell you some, that girl's a fucking 12. First of all, when you have a girl like that, I learned when I was about 31 in bold.

There's girls that get hit on all fucking day long. You know what? You look at them, you know you're not going to fuck them. So why are you going to hit on them for? waste your time. If you treat that girl opposite of what everybody else treats that girl like, you're going to have a good friend.

You're going to have a really good friend out of a woman. Do you understand me? And someday, that girl, I'm putting that girl on. I'll tell you why I'm putting that girl on because someday that girl's going to be on ABC. And there's going to be a part for a grandpa or a fucking stupid old cop and she's going to fucking call me.

Because I believe in that young girl. I don't put these women on because I want to fuck them, Saratiana, or whatever. I put them on because they do something. that they prove to me in a way that this is what they want to do. I see people come and go. We see people come and go.

Everybody wants a fucking shortcut to this fucking reality of debt that they want to get involved with. I don't even know why. Everybody wants a shortcut. But when you see a girl that looks like that isn't fucking a manager or an agent or a casting director

or a fucking top actor and she's out there every night for free. For free guys. Doing fucking sets at the ha-ha and at the fucking store in the belly room. And she's doing two or three. spots a week then she's making a fucking video she tweets all fucking day and she Facebook's all day which in a way is fucked up but it proves to me that she's on it

right you know and someday along the line that girl's on beyond something they gave a 10 o'clock playboy who the fuck is home at 10 o'clock jerking off on a Saturday night 15 year olds and kids were punished and old fucking creepy dudes that have no fucking friends so they put her on at 10 at least they put her on you know somebody said to me oh well who cares she's on a showtime, playboy show, who has, maybe 10 people are going to see it, but what the fuck are you on? What the fuck am I on?

I'm not on nothing. Everyone has a first step, and that's, it's not an issue with podcasts, but it kind of is more the comedy community. There's a lot of clicks and an issue with podcasts is because there's so many of them, you hear all the same guests a lot.

And a lot of your friends, your click, are like you, in some ways, in some ways they're not, but they have sort of similar attributes. So whenever we get someone like that or like Jason Stewart that's kind of out of it, I can understand where it would be jarring, but it doesn't mean they're bad. I got one gay hater for Jason Stewart, which I was fucking in shock. I was fucking in shock.

But I understand. We have nice people. Listen to this fucking show that understand where we're coming from. Not all the guests are going to be top-notch. Listen, I watched Letterman for years, and he did five shows a week. Four of them were fucking three of them were great. One of them was mediocre and one of them was like, well, it's not even that's...

That's David Letterman with thousand writers, thousands producers, lights, cameras, action, water, fucking cookies and shit. Oh, well, no, of course different podcasts are going to be better than others, but it's not even like Kate was a bad guest. No, not at all. That homeless thing was silly, but I see what you're saying now. But yeah, but it's... If a woman sits opposite me there,

it's not because she's sucking dick. Right. And she's showing a pussy. and she's jumping up and down, except the fucking chicks that Tarzan brought down from the hookah house. Oh, yeah, they're showing everyone there. But the fucking girls I bring in here, comics,

whether it's Christine Pazinski, Sarah Tiana, the other girl, listen, the fucking girl that was eating goat cheese, you know, and getting her toenails clip, the girl from Chelsea. I love her to death. She's crazy, but you know how long I've known it? She's been in this game as long as I have since 98.

Heather McDonald's. So as crazy as Heather McDonald's is, I give her my heart, because most people by now would have had kids and quit this fucking action. She's still out there. They're banging it out, saying jokes about whatever the fuck she's saying. I love to get Natasha Legerra on.

Next time I see I'm going to tell her to come on. There's a lot of women. I got the utmost respect for in comedy. And just in general. Just in general. Yeah, I'm fucked up and I say some fucked up things. But I do respect. And I do look and I see what people are doing.

I know what the fuck you're doing. I know what the fuck everybody's doing. If you're in my fucking realm, I know what the fuck you're doing. So when you come to me and go, it's not working out. What the fuck were you doing? Last night. I didn't see you at the store last night. You had a spot and you canceled, but you didn't show, or something, you know, you have all these people.

You know what it's like to be here for six or seven years and hear people cry every night behind the store when you're starting out. And I'm sure I cried for a few years myself. But then I realized there was no fucking, there's no use in crying. You know what you do? You go home, you have a rose beef sandwich, you go to bed, you wake up the next day, and you hit that fucking pavement like you've never hit it before. That's the secret of fucking success. And I'm not talking about making millions. I'm talking about just surviving in any game, in any game.

And we've discussed this already. So when I see Tebow, when I see Red Man putting shows together and going here and going there, when you call me up and say, hey man, I went to this place and I got beat or they didn't pay my full money, guess what? You're doing your job. You're learning about comedy. You're learning about life in this fucking realm, and it's not just this realm. If you were an editor, and I called you today from Michigan,

instead I want you get in my film. And when you get here, you have to share a room with a fat, stinky fuck like me. And instead of getting $35 for per diem, they give you $18 for per diem. That's part of the game, bitch. Now you have to decide whether you'll do that again, whether you'll cover your ass. That's part of this game. We all have a learning curve, man. Whatever you decide.

I don't care if you're a plumber, Mason, a waiter. You want to make $300 a night as a fucking waiter? doly, you shine your shoes. You cut your fucking toenails. You take your tie. You fucking put it all the way up to the top. You don't be creepy. You fucking fix your eyeball. You whiten your teeth. You

fucking shave nicely so your fucking nose hairs don't fall in the fucking food. And you're a waiter. You ever see the difference between a $300 waiter? And a $50 a night fucking waiter? Yeah. Big fucking difference. And the 300, there's some weight. I fucking did a... I took my wife to lunch

after one of the kettlebell classes. I took her the lunch at that fucking place. She wanted to get the chop salad. So we went to this moot special. Okay. And Ardy Morton's. They had the moot special for lunch at 2199. I took her in there.

The fucking girl was amazing. And she was a comic. Oh, wow. Like a green comic? Like, she had just moved out from Philly, and I invited it to the store. She was such of great waitress because I didn't ask her for anything one time. And she treated my wife with the utmost fucking respect.

Like, she took care of my wife more than she took care of me. and that means the world to me. So, having a good waiter, my parents were always good tippers, so I tried to do that. But lately, I've seen more and more bad, so I've started doing less. Horrificly.

I used to only do 20%. Now I've started to go below. I like fat waiters, because they're fat people, and they know what it's like to get food. They don't want to fuck around. When I got a fat waiter, and he's slipping, I get fucking pissed

because they know what it's like when you're fucking hungry. When a fat guy comes to my tail of my life, and I just give him the menu back. When he comes and goes, I don't know, what are we drinking? We know what we're drinking? You ready? Right, Lee?

There's no fucking procrastinating when Uncle Joey. I never let that way to come back twice. There's no reason to. When he comes to the table the first time and says, hi, sparkling water, no. Let's grab the fucking pet. Let's launch this fucking order. Let's get this party started. I just smoked 18 joints.

You want to give me water? What am I, Moses? Break out the fucking chop salad, the fucking shrimp cocktail, whatever the fucking shrimp cocktail, whatever the fucking is you got, break it out. They want to come over and off of me water. Get the fuck out of you. I'm paying. Get the sodas, get the milk shakes, get the bread, get the whole fucking army out of here.

And this isn't an exaggeration. This is what he talks to waiters. No, let's do this. Listen, we're not playing games today. I'm going to tip you. I'm going to hit you with cash and put them on the card. So let's why fuck around. Don't stare at me.

Let's do this shit. This is quick. Get the fucking pat out. This is what we're doing. Boom, boom, boom. My wife is one of those people. I haven't decided you. What the fuck haven't you decided?

You've been 18 fucking times. Either you wanted or you fucking don't. I'm gonna sit there and go ping pong with this fucking waiter. Are you ready? No, I've been ready since I walked in the fucking door. I would have gave you the order at the fucking host table. That's me.

I already know when I'm coming in here to fucking eat. You think I'm gonna sit there and pick my teeth and look around? Oh, the ambiance. I don't give a fuck about the aunt. This could be the bottom of the basement. If the fucking food is good, underlie, cock sucker.

I love when we go to a place that we've been to before and they just know your order already. Like that the Starbucks dude knows you, Oh, at night. Oh, yeah. That's my dog. And it's just, it's funny. And, well, because they don't get talked because they don't get spoken to like that a lot, especially here.

Nobody. People are probably, like, dismissive of them. Nobody talks to nobody no more, and they go into shock. Remember the movie Crash that they were saying people in L.A.? Keep crashing into each other, but nobody communicates. I think that's not fair. I think it's all over the country. When I go eat somewhere, I want to talk to the bus boy.

I want to talk to the waiter. I want to talk to the cook. Because everybody Primo. Primo. And everybody's my fucking Primo, Jack. Out of respect. We're going to hear,

what, shake hands and explain, change names. You're my fucking Primo. And I talk to those busboys that are Spanish because nobody ever fucking talks to them. Okay, if there's a shootout at any restaurant I'm in,

those bus boys are going to come over and grab me like fucking, what's that show? Like El Chapo? Like El Chapo, Narco. They're going to hit me with the table and pull it over me.

Why? Because I talk to them with respect. I don't talk to them like they're a dishwasher. I went to the NoHo Thursday. I was flying out Saturday morning, and I went, my wife was sleeping. I flew out like at 6. And I went to know and had breakfast. I had a whole conversation with the Mexican things.

I was cracking dirty jokes and shit. They were loving it. Nobody talks to the fucking waiters. Yeah. But look at my table. My table always got bread on it. Always got extra butter like a motherfucker. The glasses are filled because I give them the respect that they fucking deserve.

You know if they're making $4 an hour. They're the backboat of that fucking restaurant, you know? Anywhere I go. You know, I'm continuous for people. I'm not a flip-flopper. I don't believe in flip-flop. I don't believe these people. Look, we wanted to try new Chinese.

No, I've been eating there for 35 fucking years, and I'm going to continue to fucking eat that. Your loyalty is fucking important. There's some places that don't care about your law, can you know it. But these mom and pop places, when you walk in, are you fucking kidding me? When I worked at Legals, there's this lady who would come and sit at the bar,

and every time anything she ordered came up, if you were just running it to her, she'd have a $5 bill for you. When you're in the server, like, especially as a server, a bartender, a person like at Starbucks, you're on your feet. You're doing a lot. So when someone's a little bit nice to you, there's so much you can do that, like, to give them for free or to try to help them out. And especially if you know you're going to get tipped or just treated like a person, that's pretty great. You know, I was telling you guys that I did Sickler's podcast.

And he asked me, he asked me button questions, questions that matter. what happened after your mother died, that window. I was a good bartender, Lee. I was a good bartender way. I can see that. I'll tell you why, because I talked to people. I had their drink from them. I treated everybody like they were doing blow,

like the way I wanted to drink. I look at you in the eye, what are you drinking, brother? What kind of beer you got, bud? I always had something an answer for you, and I always was very serviceable. I always tried to be nice to you until you became like uppity with me because I was a bartender,

played like a con, because in New York those days it was kind of weird. But at the end of the day, I was a very good bar time. I made a good living. Remember I was telling you I felt bad about things I did?

You know, when I got a job, I thought Sheridan, the winter of 84, there was a kid that I knew there right off the back. I had grown up with him. His name was John Crespo. I went to Sacred Heart School for Boys.

In fact, it was his stepfather who got me into Sacred Heart School for Boys. His mom was Puerto Rican, and he had the biggest, blackest stepdad you ever seen in your life. Anthony, he sold heroin. And he used to hang out with my buddy Nelson. And Nelson was partners with my mother in the dry cleaning business. Just imagine a huge black guy. I'm like, hey, I'm Anthony.

I saw heroin. And he used to have a man purse filled with heroin and shit, but he was six for four, 300 pounds. What do you want to do? I don't know if he played football in those days or what. He referred Sacred Heart School to boys to Nelson. Nelson referred it to my mom, and that's how they got me in. Once I went to Sacred Heart, I went to Sacred Heart in the third grade. Okay.

John Crespo was in the fifth grade. Oh. So he was always older than I was. One summer we went to Puerto Rico, me and John Crespo, and we were there for 10 days, me, his mom, him, and big black fucking Anthony. And we were staying at a hotel, and we dropped an ice cube from the third floor of the hotel, and we cracked the dude in the head. They threw us out of the...

And I was in the fourth grade. They're going into the fourth grade. And we went to... There's old someone and there's new someone. Did we kill the guy or? He, they had to call an ambulance. They threw us out of the hotel. He was bleeding everywhere and shit.

We had to give him a fake name and get out of there. It was fucking classic. You gave fake names? We were talking about when Ralphie was here, when we hit the guy with the M&M and then bounced. Same thing happened with the fucking ice cube. I remember the cops still saying to us, Do you understand what happens?

And it was a little high than the third floor. I'm lying to you guys. It was up there. It was like the 10th floor. It was like the 10th floor. It was a brick. It was 1973. So I was 10.

I was 10. I'll never forget this. Bruce Lee had already died. And me and him went to Puerto Rico like in August. And we were there for 10 days. We saw 14 motherfucking kung fu movies. We went, oh, we saw 14 movies. 13 million were Kung Fu movies.

The only white movie we saw was something. something about man on the mood marigold. It was just on about a month ago. You went to Puerto Rico for 10 days and saw 14 movies? 14. That's all, you know, when you were a dumb fucking kid, what do you care about it? We went to the beach in the morning, and in the afternoon, me and him would go to the fucking movies with his sister. That was it.

His mom used to make the best fucking cheese omelette, because she would whip the egg and then put it down and then just slice the American cheese thin on top, and she'd put pepper for me. That's who turned me on to cheese omelets. It's his mother. Anyway, I lose confidence. contact with John Crespo, Black Anthony, and I forget what his mother's name was. My mom, who the fuck knows? I go to Colorado, I come back, and my buddy, Stinky, says, my brother got a job at the fucking, at the fucking Sheridan, if you want a job as a bartender, they got room, they got,

excuse me, banquet bartenders are making 17, 10 an hour, and the regular bartenders make 1252 an hour. I don't forget this conversation. And I said, well, get me the banquets because you do the banquets for four hours, but you get paid for eight. Oh, shit. Yeah. And you don't have to deal with customers. It's just a whole bunch of orders.

No, it's just like a banquet tip. So what happened was I had to go to the American Bartending Institute. I did that. All right. The big one, nationwide one, where you have lifetime placement. So I went to, before I got the job, they said, we'll give you the job. But while you start the banquets. you have to go to an American bartending.

I went from 6 to 9 for two weeks. But then they moved me to the front bar that Thursday. Like the second week, you know, you're supposed to graduate that Friday and do the test where you flip the bottles in the air and shit. Yeah. That Thursday morning they called me. They said, hey, man, some guy quit in the fucking front bar,

and if you could make it, this will be your job permanent. It was 5 to 1 in the morning at the front bar. Right when you walk into the sheriff, it's been redone now and the whole fucking deal. So when I get in, I do my paperwork, whatever the fuck I got to do. They gave you different shirts, like different collars, the vests, you know, with your name on it. And when I went in, I saw John Crespo.

I go, what the fuck? And he goes, holy shit. It was like 20 years we didn't see each other. We hugged. And he pulled me his on heels. Here's the deal, dog. Everybody steals. And here, I've been stealing.

I've been a criminal. And I'm like, I'm looking to get a job with a career. I had a girlfriend. I really wanted this to work. First day he pulled me over. He was like, listen to dude that was here with me was stealing at least 200 a day. If you don't steal 200 a day, they're going to fucking know.

I'll teach you how to rob. So these guys were doing like X and out and closing the register and then ringing up shit and then they're taking the tape out. This is the 80s, so it wasn't computerized. So let's say your tab is 74 bucks. I put four in and you give me and I keep 70 cash. How are you paying for this?

Credit cash? money, how are you paying for this? I'm paying for this cash, boom. $98. You know what I put in the register? $8. So that 90 went right in my fucking pocket cash. So I would ask you before the deal even started,

how are you paying for this guy's credit card? You want to open up a tab? Well, that was a good bar time. I was making rusty nails. I was making those things that people that are popular now that women drink martinis. Cosmos? And Cosmos. I was making those shit to my fucking hand

30 years ago, my friend. That's how good I was at it. But I had learned how to bartending my mother's bar. I knew from watching her, I knew how customer involved you had. All those drinks and shit came later on. But the guy that cracked me the most was the guy that owns Pillsbury. Really? Him and his wife came in and sent me like $1.44.

After buying a bottle of wine for like $90 bucks, they gave me like $1.44. I mean, I used to get shocked there. I really learned about people. I really learned how fake people are when they come in and you think, like if you prejudge some money and go, this guy's going to tip me. These are the guys that don't tip you. Have you heard about the American Express Black Card?

Yes. Like it's a metal one where they have to spend like 100 grand a year? Right. Worst tippers. Like, I've gotten stiff by a couple of them. And they have to spend 100 grand a year and they're bad tippers. It's crazy what I learned, but

the point of the story is that I was good, Lee. But I ruined that because I was stealing. They never caught me. I never got caught. but I fucking know. That whole year and a half was ruined. I mean, yeah, I got fired and I got suspended for not fucking showing up and whatever, but it was never really for stealing.

It was because of my fucking addictions, and I like the party and do drugs. And, you know, they would let me out to New York at one in the morning. By 115, I was on the sidewalk of 52nd and fucking 7th. That's the heart in New York City. What do you want me to do? I'm going to go home? Who goes home? and trains and cabs

and in those days they were picking up cabs and black you know African people were picking up everybody was getting picked up you could be in a cab and pay $3 to go away to the fucking Harlem in those days

but I thought about that how I was a good bartender no complaints nothing like that no write-ups I kept everything clean I was very polite with people you know if I knew Lee liked what do you like that drink

with the Diet Coke when I saw you walking in There was a makers in Coke waiting for you. And if it was three or five, bro, I'll tell you what I would do. This is how old school I am because my mom did this. My mom used to cook and give away the food for free. You know these Cuban meals we're going? We pay for $18 for them.

My mom would ask you at 5 o'clock, hey, we may pick aliao. We're y'u. We may pick a liu, whatever. You hungry? Whether you came in every day or not. That's my mother. That's because they're Cuban. That's what women do when they cook, they offer you.

My mom would say, listen, we cook them. My mom had the restaurant, but then she closed it down. But on the summers, instead of her going to New York City, she'd just cook for me back there. And, you know, she'd make a huge lunch coming on in Chi-Lao and fucking black beans, and she'd cook up a pig and shit. And you come to the bar and she'd go, guess what? Somebody gives you a fucking Cuban meal for free or any meal, meatloaf or anything,

that makes you feel like you're at home. You're not going nowhere, and you're always going to come there. So you know what I would do? I would order appetizers. I'd get them for 50% of it. off. That's a fucking brilliant idea for bartenders. I was 21 years old, guys.

This is my cocaine. Listen, when you sell coke, I'm not going to get you to go in your pocket by just telling you how good to Coke is. If you're a bartender, you don't do that, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. I get nachos. I get chicken wings. Do you know what they cost me in those days? Nchos, $4.50. $2. For $8, I got

nachos and wings, and if there were six guys and there was a game on TV, I'd draw that. As soon as they came in, give them the... Who pay for this? No, it's on me. brother, let me get two more orders of wings. Fucking, you're the best. And next thing you know, you're ringing up a tab. Yeah.

And numbers times 10%. And I would get 20, 30% from them just because I'd get the wings for half price. And they'd be happy to do. It's not like you're scamming them. No, I'm not fucking, I would get the, I would tell them the chef, the restaurant would say, why did you get three orders of wings?

Because I was fucking hungry and the bar people were hungry. It's a shame you don't have put food out for these people at 5 o'clock. I'm getting out of five. fucking work at 5 o'clock. I walk into a bar. There's a ham and cheese sandwich on white. When I was a kid, you'd go into Joan Marries. Every fucking day, I would go to John Marys after school. And in the middle of the bar, when I was a junior in high school, when I was 16, 17,

I would go to John Marys because there was a chicken delight place next to a chickafel. And our friend, John Cowan, worked in there. So there was always chicken for you to eat. But the bar, George, the loan shark, the boogie and Lila, would get a like a pizza tray with a little shield on top. Like, you know, when you eat at a fucking thing and they pulled the shield up?

Right. But it was see-through. And then that thing would be 50 ham and cheese sandwiches cutting to quarters. So when you're coming at 5, there's something there for you. Guess what?

You take two pieces of a little sandwich. That guy's going to go, what's on the menu today? Spaghetti and Meatballs. Let me get two fucking orders. You opened up my appetite with those little cheese sandwiches. And yeah, you're going to have your moochers.

Because I was one of the food. I could go in there with $4. It was $60 a mug. Three fucking mugs, a dollar 80, you leave a lot of $2 and you eat 10 fucking sandwiches. That's dinner, you know, there's that mentality. But for the normal human being that goes in there's a sandwich for you at 5 o'clock after you knock off at the post office. How many times you, listen, if I worked an eight-hour day when I walked out of this fucking

building, I'm going right to the car and I'm sparking a roach that's already rolled. But you know what I'm saying? Like, it's been, I already had a joint and smoked half of it. On the way there and kept the half. Same thing happens when I'm a fucking, when I'm drinking. I want to walk into a bar and have a mug there waiting for me in a ham and cheese sandwich while I watch the fucking news. It's a great feeling when a bartender remembers what you order.

I had that happen once out here at the Boston Bar. And I sat down and she just came up. I was like, oh. And it's... That's a good bartender. You're thinking of your people. I'm thinking out of the box. I'm thinking about if they're fucking hungry.

If you're a waiter right now and a guy comes into your fucking taste, and you don't have bread in front of them within six. I don't give a fuck about the water order. I don't give a fuck about the drink order. I see a motherfucker sitting down. I got a table of fucking, I'm already, listen, when they're at the host stand, I'm already throwing bread in the oven, getting it warm. So they haven't even sat down for two minutes, and they got bread and butter.

Especially if they have kids. And I don't give a fuck if I'm throwing their appetite off. I'm there to feed them. When I have a restaurant, I'm not there. I don't give a fuck about your appetite. I give a fuck about my appetite. When the bread comes with the basket, if I eat it, I eat it because I'm a fat fuck.

But I want the optionally. You ever go to a restaurant that has great bread and you're waiting 15 minutes for your bread? By the time you get the bread, you're so fucking aggravated. Why wasn't this here eight minutes ago? If the guy is good and he's committed to his job, whether he's a busboy or he's the fucking Major D, the bread will be there within six fucking minutes.

When I was at the server, you were supposed to get, like, greet the table with bread and water hopefully. That's it. That's it. Listen, I love Mexican. I love Mexican people. I love the whole culture I've always have. But... You ever go to El Camadre? No. Cocaine bar. The guy just killed himself. Rest in peace.

They all. His son shot him. Joe. Rest in peace, he got shot last week. They buried him last week. He was a real comeback. No, no, no. This guy was a good guy. I don't know who it was with. Oh, the guy from Chicago. Elcomadre, when you walk in, as coked up as they are, when you sit at the table within 22 seconds a Mexican sweat and bullets

comes up to you and gives you chips, green sauce, and red sauce and two waters. Just to get the party started. I believe in getting the party fucking started. What's with the chitter-chatter? Bring the fucking food, and then we'll chit-chat later as we'll pick him whatever appetizer. I'm blown away by the appetizer idea, though.

And I've never seen it anywhere. It's such an easy thing to do. These people fucking moral. I mean, listen, if I had to pay 100%, maybe it would have been different. I'm not even really Because I was making $12.502 an hour times they

8 times whatever the fuck $96 right Right is it $96 Right $96 I was walking out of there With a buck 40 in cash Right That's legitimately

And then I had another deuce in my sock I can't buy Five order of nachos And five order of wings to up my money The reason why everybody else was making 100 there a night 120 I was walking out of there when anything from 140 to 200

tips. And it was because of the nacho thing, and the wings and the fucking celery sticks. You probably don't want to spend a hundred bucks, but if you spend $25 dollars... $30,000. $30 fucking to make me fucking... $70, 80. What do I care? I doubled my fucking money with the chance. And some nights had bailed out, some

nights people left me a $50. How did a guy left me a $50? A couple people left me 20s. You know, on a beer. Somebody gets a Budweiser for $6 and leaves you $14. you did your job. Yeah. That's the name of no fucking, you know,

you get 10 guys that leave you 14 fucking bucks after a bottle of Budweiser and eat my nachos. I paid for my nachos 10 times fucking over. Right. Nchos, free sodas, all that shit. That cost me fucking 10 cents. That cost me 10 cents. I can't give you a lobster tail. Listen, when you go buy a car,

okay, and you come to me, and you say to me, Joey, I got to talk to you. I talk to you. But I'll tell you what. This dealership is closer to my house. You have a great service department. And I like how you treated my kids. I like how you treated my wife. You treated them with respect. You gave my kid lollipops. Even though you tried to show a picture of your dick. No, just kidding. But I want to buy the car here. You gave me a great price. It's the same price as everybody else. But something, you know. I would say, yeah.

the fucking things that you put on the side of four runners, the stool that you step on, whatever the fuck. Okay. You know, it cost a dealer, 49 bucks, and they sell it for $750.

I would say, what's the cost? I would make a big production of it. Listen, this is $750. I'm going to give it to you for cost. And the fucking people would look at me, and I'd go, yeah,

$150. And there would go, I'd still make $50 or something. And I'm giving, and the guy's going home, I'm thinking I gave it to them a cost. Even though we're making a hundred bucks profit on it. You know, you have all this high thing.

I'd rather deal with you on some things and give you other things to give you value. Right. If it costs me nothing. You know, when you go into a fucking restaurant, they charge you $250 for a soda. On the way out, you should blow that place up. Really? An iced tea. When somebody charges you $3 for an iced tea and a $3 refill, you should come back with a bomb and some ices dude strapped to it and blow the fucking place up.

because that's their profit. Nothing kills me more than when places have cans of soda at restaurants. Why? Because that means there's no refill. So you're paying three bucks for a can. Chinese people do that. Yeah, they do. You got to watch the motherfuckers.

All agents do it. There's so many tricks. I loved all those things. When I worked as a salesman, I always gave you something to do business. I always felt that you have to make an investment towards this person for them to do business with you. That's what I always felt. I don't know. How hard is it for you now with a baby, like a service?

Like, people bringing the food for her right away, like not waiting for your order. They suck. Horrible. We went to a place the other day, and my wife has been there three times. And she goes, every time they bring my food first, and they leave her out here by herself for 10 minutes. It's just spaghetti. It's just spaghetti with ragu on it. Oh, my gosh.

And my wife goes on the sanders, and the guy's got kids. It's common sense. Weight and tables, all that type of fucking work, it's a little common sense, and you can make $200 extra dollars a night. Cash. That nobody knows dick. Well, now they know everything. Now they fucking.

They're banging out waitstaffs. They make you, you're supposed to write down your tips, but all I would ever write down is my credit card tips. I'm not, fuck them with my cash. And back to the fucking Kate thing. That's why I put it on. Oh, shit. I forgot that's what we were talking about. No, no, I don't give a fuck.

That's what I respect them a lot. really do and I see what she does. I've been looking at her for like 18, two years. She's blown up recently. Yes, she has. Yes, she has. Listen, I enjoy going out at night and having a young comic or a comedian make me laugh.

I love it. I love going out of the night. Sebastian, last night we sat there and watched Sebastian, Don Marrera, and Bobby Lee, and, you know, it's fun. It really is fun when I sit back. I love it. I fucking love it. I love it, and I see the holds, and, you know, it's a different fucking game for me, but I fucking love it, you know?

And when I see a young comic in that round, that scratching at the door, Tony Hinchcliff, you know, I remember Redis easy when he was scratching at the door. And I remember going, this kid's a star. And him going to me, I don't know what's going on. I'm going, dog, listen, this is what's going on.

You're knocking on the door. This is going to happen. Boom, a year later. Because you see these people, they're relentless. The status quo, they take these people sometimes that have one hit wonders. And then they did the centigrade on their own. You put them in such a

platform at such an early age in Montreal and give him all his praise. It's like Ralphie was talking about that kid that killed himself. Yeah. Whatever his name was. Wackadoe, whatever his fucking name is. Rooster? Chicken. You know. They put him on such a pedestal. And then he felt at times

you couldn't cover the fucking spread. You know how hard it is to be put on that pedestal a young fucking age? The only way to write material is to live a life and to really churn it out. you really start kicking. It's when you're churning out material about your life and your fucking downfalls and all the stupid shit that's happened. Everything else is background music. I don't even know what the fuck I was saying 10 fucking years ago. But I knew I was on to something, Lee.

I knew I was on to something. Must be frustrating. Very frustrating. That's why I give these young people the respect they fucking deserve. I know what they're going through. And I know how hard it is to wake up in the morning and say, I'm doing this another day. For a girl like that, You think she needs that? Listen, that girl could walk into any restaurant, pick up any 40-year-old guy and her say, listen, from now on you're paying my rent. I want a Bima.

I want this. I want that. I'm going to suck that pipe until there's a fucking sperm drought, and your dick. You understand? You think California's got a drought? I'm going to suck the sperm to it's drought-free, your fucking helmet.

But you're going to pay my bills. And she could just give up. Go to auditions and give up. I'm telling you right now. There's creepy old guys here that would fucking do that in L.A. that's filled of a town. They're dying. There's a girl that goes to the comedy store

that has a house on Laurel Can that's paid for it till next year. She's a friend of red bands. Some old guy bought the fucking house till next year, like leased it for two years for her. She was fucking him a year ago, but his wife called him or some shit. Motherfucker.

Hysterical. She's a fucking 20-year-old girl, but yeah, she looks like a supermodel. There's guys are like, listen, let's do this. I bet I'd give you $3,000 a month, give you a car, pay for your house,

but I'm coming over once a week. and I'm shooting fucking dick on you like a fucking fountain of sperm like I'm just gonna stand there like with a towel around my head just shoot and fucking sperm at shit and some of these girls like fuck it you know you paid my credit card debt

I was debt 50 grand fuck it and what am I fucking around with these 14 year old guys that can't pay shit you know I'm a little bit older than 14 well whatever the fuck you know these young guys so you know she doesn't need to do this she doesn't need to work this hard

she can hook up with any agent she wants at any of these places, CAA, APA, she's not doing that. That's why I give her the respect she deserves. So if anybody, please understand my point of view where I'm coming from with this girl. Or any woman I put on here. Or any guest is a little different. Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

You're not all. Listen, man, I don't have a publicist, and I don't take fucking request from publicists. I never have. I want to pick people that I know. I listen to their music. I have a band that's coming on maybe at the end of August. Really?

Yeah, they're good guys. guys, they send me emails, we just can't click together. I see their work. I see what the fuck they're doing. That'd be cool. You know, one of the guys is kind of crazy, so it'll be great to have them in here. Maybe he'll shoot heroin for the camera. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows?

Maybe he'll shoot heroin for the camera? Why not? What was... You know, they showed on Discovery, people shooting heroin, smoking crack. But it ain't the same, but it's like fucking some of you know, you know what I'm saying? Like, we introduce you. You know him now. This is Kevin I was having a...

What, brother? I'm high. Yeah, you're supposed to be fucking high. You ate three stars, I ate four. I think I'm talking about waiting tables and stupidity and shit because I'm not high. You seem pretty high.

No, I'm having a great time. This has been some great podcast we had lately. We had some great guests from Carl Turley. So this is a Labor Dad just wanted to get one of me and Lee just talking some shit and what's going on

and what's been happening. next Friday night at the Ice House I'm doing a special I'm doing this DVD is it all together yet I don't know but I'm gonna let you guys be the judge you guys are the ones that listen to me and put up with my fucking stupidity Friday the 11th at the Ice House

8 o'clock Lee's gonna put a piece of paper at each table and I'm gonna do my fucking eye when you guys are gonna give me feedback and I'm gonna ask questions after this okay I don't know what it costs to get in 10 bucks I'm not concerned about that what I'm concerned about is the people

who I've been working with the last couple years you guys know me and what I do and how we do it and we become friends so I trust your fucking judgment so if you're in L.A. next week and there's still tickets available it's next Friday night at 8 o'clock you'll be out of there by 10 you go do blow

whatever the fuck I appreciate if you want to come back and just put on a piece of paper Joey you suck you know I'll take that from you but we're family so if I'm going to put a CD out or an album I want you guys listen to it first I don't know what to play seats 98 and we'll talk about it afterward and maybe you'll say Joey you said something on stage a year

ago that you never taped and you put that I don't give a fuck. Lee will collect them and we'll do the question so I love you guys. I love you guys with all my hearts like you know when we have these little things these are good this will be a little fun for us and we get to see each other on Friday night it's going to be a fucking shitty

day 9-11 you know fucking parades people feel bad what the fuck let's go out and crack some jokes and smoke some rifee eat some stars of death and shit look like Lee What, fucko? What? Do they have 9-11 parades?

Well, you know, memorials. Memorials on TV and you got to feel bad. I don't want to feel bad all fucking day. It'll be fun. I didn't know what we were doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always trying to do shit around town. You know, I'm at the store working out.

I'm here. I drop it on these fucking little open mics. There's a pizza parlor I like over here. I don't tell nobody I'm going. The kids look at me. Like, what are you doing here, man? I'm like, I'm here to fucking work out material, you know, just to try shit. Really?

Lee, you know I'm fucking creepy like that. This is what you do. You're in training. Like, what does it mean? Like, what do you think about when you think about doing a special? Since you don't have one? I can look at this two ways. I can make this hard.

I can make this simple. I can make this hard and beat myself up and do this and do that. Or I can just go up there and beat myself. I really don't give a fuck. I'm paying for it myself. So I really don't give a fuck how it really turns out. It's our little project. And that's all this is about.

It's just a little project we're doing. If it works out, we'll start for five bucks online. If it doesn't work out, we'll put it on YouTube and light it on fire. I don't fucking know, Lee, but you know me, we're in. What have we got to lose? What have we got to lose? Netflix's not going to give me a special. Comedy Central's not going to give me a special.

HBO's not going to give me a special. Everybody gets a special. I don't get a fucking special. I don't get a fuck, though. You think I'm going to stop me? I'm going to go home and cry? No, I'm going to pick up my fucking crayons. No, we're fucking resource for you.

We come through the back door with a big dick and a smile. You understand me? Who shows up with a big thing of a smile Unless you got a fucking 32 ounce coke And fucking New York Superfights junk Nobody cocksuckers I'm feeling good I was feeling a little fucked up for a few days

Why? I told you guys on Monday that I really thought about What Brian Sickler and I talked about that night And there was some crazy fucking stories You know me snorting coke on a cop car And there was so many fucking things I was doing And

I wish I could sit 20 of those people down and go, listen, man, I was just crazy. I was in such pain that I was just fucking crazy. But when you think of all those stories put together, like, I really want to apologize to the benders.

I just don't know where to start. In a way, I lied to John, you know, his mom always fucking knew. You know, when John asked me to move in there, he was my friend, but me and John, two different people. I like doing drugs and listening to fucking music and, you know,

John, well, listen to the Beatles and not drink and not doing anything. And fuck ugly chicks. I mean, nobody slept with ugly a woman than he did. I never saw nothing like that in my life. Maybe don't include that in the apology. What's that? Don't include that part of the appellee. Oh, everybody goofed on him about the women

he would sleep with and shit. I mean, you know, he slept with every fucking rotten-looking women ever ever fucking invented in North Perrig. I'm sorry, like you're such terrible taste in women. No, no, no, no, no. it's just been very touch with me. But I've been writing a lot about it

and how I felt, you know, at that time, so I could put the little notes in the book. Leah, it seemed like looking back on it, like I didn't stop. Like, I was talking to sickle about, even like, it started a year before my mom died. That was pretty much independent as fuck. You know, I had hit the number.

I would sell a little weed from time to time. I got involved in selling some fucking mescaline and some fucking uh and then she died and I really enjoyed selling those fucking drugs I really fucking did I was good at it I was good at it I'd show up to the high school there'd be 30 chicks ready to fucking play hookie and do acid

I'd sell each hit for $3 I was surviving Do you have snacks for them? No no fucking snacks I had mess school I didn't I had business savvy in those days I mean to stay alive and sell drugs when you're 16 and 17 and go to East Strausburg every fucking Saturday and pick up you know I would go and have to deal with these guys.

I never thought about guns. These guys were the coolest white kids. They were kids. They were college kids. They just made drugs. You imagine that being in college and making, they were making fucking drugs. You know, I always exaggerate because

there was four of them. Okay. It was four students and they lived, there weren't students. Two of them had graduated already and just didn't want to get a job because they were making so much money processing this. But there were chemistry majors.

Okay. the guys with the bald at like the gray hair or something. Yeah, there was two, there was four of them in this house. And three of them made it. One guy was like the helper. He was a chem. I don't know what he was. But these guys made drugs way before, like anything, crack houses or anything,

and nobody knew about it. Because the guy that turned me onto them had been buying drugs from these guys for two years prior. Okay. And these guys were young. The two guys that had graduated were probably 23, 24, and the other two guys were undergrads, like 19, 18 maybe. These guys had not just me selling drugs to a wholesale level.

They had 20 fucking cars driving in every week from Indiana. All acid? They sold weed, which I didn't want to transport. Why would I buy weed and they'd have to drive from Pennsylvania? I had weed right there in New York City. I didn't really want to sell. Their main thing was black beauties. Black beauties were a type of a speed.

There were diet pills. And you had to get them over the counter. A doctor was, remember in the movie with Liberace? He was eating black beauties. Oh, okay. In the 70s, they were big. These guys were making pharmaceutical strength black beauties. How do I know?

Because the people I was selling them to were people who bought them over the counter. So they were copying the formula? They were copying the formula. These guys were tremendous with this shit. They were making that. That was their main source of fucking thing. And it came in like a protein jar. Okay.

And a thousand of them would come in there. And they would sell me a thousand of them for $35 fucking dollars. What? And I would sell each one for a dollar. Do you understand the profit margin I had there? But if you were a good customer, see you in the hallway and just throw one in your hand. Just to get your sp-you-got-you-got-easy. Yeah, I got them, dog.

I would sell you 35 for 100. So I had five customers, when I came back with a thousand, before I even went to East Stroudsbury, I'd have six customers that wanted 100 a piece, okay? So, and they'd give me $35. Okay, so you got a hundred for them. So right there, I made 200 fucking bucks, right? Right. And I'd come back and get, I'd buy two jobs. So I give them

Their fucking 600 And I keep 400 And sell those for a dollar a piece I'd still make $600 on that fucking Thousand And then I'd take the other one And sell those for a dollar a piece I was making I was selling

A thousand a week To who? To kid the wrestlers That wanted to make weight And I just didn't have North Bergen wrestlers I had North Bergen, I had West New York You know, I had their coaches coming to me and buying them a thousand, a thousand, a hundred for thirty-five dollars. You have no idea how good these fucking things were.

I didn't, I wasn't hooked on them, but one night I went to a party, and there was a couple broads there, and we were eating these things and drinking Zambuca. Ooh, I was up for two fucking days, Jack in high school. We listened to the volume four, me and these dirty white chicks on Boulevard East and shit. These pills were tremendous. They were tremendous. And then when I get fucked up. I would snort them some nights.

Some nights you just pop them open and do a little fucking blast when you wear generos down in Hoboken. I swear the fucking God. So they had that. And then they made acid. They made what's called blotter acid. Blotter acid is acid that comes on a sheet of paper. Okay? So they would sell you 100 hits the size of this note, but even smaller.

It would be whatever. I don't even fucking know. And it came in little hits. And there would be 100 hits on this sheet. And he'd give me those for $90, and I'd sell those for $3 a piece. Wow. This was ever. Did they have a big lab in their house or something?

How did they make all this? God, they had a house, and downstairs is where they did everything. They made these other things that they called mescaline. Mesculin, everybody knows this was like a fucking cactus or something like that, but they called it mesclin. It was microdot acid. It was just a dot. A dot.

And they would charge me 140 for 100 for those. But fucking you would see the devil. And I would fucking crush those things and put them in a pipe and smoke those motherfuckers with the garjulo. Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah. We used to go deep. So between the ups and the fucking and the, the, the ups is, the ups was my spending money. The ups is my spending money.

The ups was how I got slices of pizza and Chinese and shoes for school. After my mother died, that was how I did that. the other money was the money I put away plus I had and then so when cocaine came I got that money and invested in cocaine so now I was making money with the ups and the acid

but I was losing money with the cocaine because I was stunted like a fucking junkie that I am you could have been like a trillionaire by now if you hadn't been an addict listen in this world I could have been a lot of fucking things I wish I would have fucking been smart when I was young

and looked around. But just all that shit that I was doing and people, the reason why I hurt the Benders was because I was

living a life that they kind of knew but they didn't know. You know, the other than I was sitting there with Mercy. My wife was in the kitchen. I'm sitting there

at 8.30 at night. And I said, just for a minute, I tried to be the Benders. You know, just open the front door, walk in, Say a little of Mrs. Ben.

I'd go to my room. I'd walk out. I'd get on their phone. I'd make a few calls. I'd jump in the shower. I'd get dressed. Open up the fridge around the way out and make a ham and cheese sandwich. And they'd say, where are you going?

I'm going to go off a few. I'd get back. This when I was a junior in high school, I'd walk back in the door at fucking one in the morning. One day in the morning. Every night? Every fucking night. I never stayed in that.

Never. Never. Never. Not even. For me, staying in meant I walked to a villos, and we just smoked $25 worth of marijuana and the shit. That was staying in those days. Why wouldn't you want to stay in?

It was a fucking thought that I could not fathom. Because if I stayed in, the pain would creep up on me. If I was moving, doing my thing, chucking and jiving, talking to people selling drugs, the pain didn't creep up on me. It's when I tried to rest early. I'd have to get drunk to go home, and pass out.

So I wouldn't have to go home and go, oh my God, today I missed my mother. Today I missed my old life. That's how I lived that. My goal at night was just to pass out. I could not even deal with going home and putting my head on the pillow and being able to think.

You know, in those days I would wake up, and I hope this doesn't happen to anybody. This happens when you get divorced or when you lose somebody, which is the same fucking difference. You don't know what it's like to open your eyes in the morning in that pillow

and not know where you are. but within five minutes the pain just reeks out of your stomach you know you just have this pain in your fucking stomach that's the pain I had when I got divorced the first time and well the only time and the pain I had

when my mom died is just waking up and being so fucking confused from pain and whatever was you're going through that you just have this fucking knot in your it's not even a knot in your stomach it's pain it's like a hunger pain and you wake up and you feed yourself

And then you get involved in your day So the pain goes away I'd smoke a joint or whatever And my friends and crack jokes in a car And go to class and pay attention You forget about all that shit It was when I was by myself That it creep up on me

You know you gotta check on your fucking skeletons From time of the time If not they'll check on you You know so that's what it was going on So I didn't Staying in was No fucking way Lee

So Do you feel like you disrespected them? Apsa fucking Looly. Abs of fucking Lutley from A to Z. And my behavior afterward, abs the fucking looting. I mean, wouldn't you think they would understand? Listen, I even disrespected Carmine in many ways.

I disrespected the Balsanos in many ways. I disrespected the Garcia's in many ways. You know, I disrespected a lot of people from that neighbor. Even when I was robbing drug dealers, they didn't know. Because they really didn't know them. They knew them. You know, at that time, it was the early 80s. If you were a Coke dealer,

nobody knew who you were unless you did coke. But all those people were neighborhood people that I robbed. It wasn't like, you know, they were like, I was going to the Bronx and robbing drug dealers in those days. Right. I was rubbing people that were amongst us. Yeah, some of them weren't favorite people.

People didn't like them or whatever. You know, I get caught up with them buying drugs or whatever to fuck. It was just my actions. You know, Carlos still talks to me and Dedi, you know, I had a good relationship with you. with them growing up to your villas. I was over there all the time in those days. And I talk to Steve every fucking week.

You know, we might go to Pink Floyd together in April. I mean... Oh, cool. Yeah, it's... And I'm very proud that those people are still my friends because they know what I went through. I never got into a beef with them. You know, in those days, when I came up on you,

I never knew what the result was going to be in our friendship. You know, deep down inside, if you've had something I wanted, and I just wanted... You know, in those days, for me to... get rid of the pain and I have to have chaos in my day. You know what that's like to have chaos in your day? Do you just mean non-stop movement? What do you mean by chaos?

Chaos is drama. Who wants to talk to you, who's looking for you? You would seek it out? Absolutely. Absolutely. Because, you know, I would gamble and not pay the people and then hide for three days and who's not looking. I got off on that then. I got off on doing all that dumb shit.

For that kind of got killed, though. I'm very lucky. Was it just so, like, just keep your mind off everything? Is that all it was? I don't know. I just, my life had to have conflict, and if not, it didn't click. After all that, there was a time from 81 to 85. If I wasn't involved in something, my life didn't click.

If somebody wasn't looking for me, if I didn't know somebody money, if I was, it just did not click. I never ended up finishing the movie, but have you ever seen The Gambler with, what's his name? I saw the original and I tried to watch the woman Marky, Mark, and they switched it up, and I didn't understand it, so I stopped while. I think I was in a plane. But it seems like kind of what he was doing is what you were doing, like, you're like self-sabotage. Yeah, you're just self-sabotaging yourself. I self-sabotized myself all the way to fucking 91 when I was doing drugs in the halfway house,

and they caught me. And I was doing great. I was doing great. Fucking great. Doing fucking phenomenal. I could not be doing better for those standards. I had a job. I had a car.

You know, I had a girlfriend. I was engaged. I went to work. I made money in my job. You know, but no, I'd do stupid fucking shit and get fucking hammed. You know, I was the only idiot that had a three-month sentence in a halfway house that was in there for like a year and a month. You know, I tell you guys this story.

Yeah, because I kept failing fucking piss test. And that was the only thing. Everything else was money. I never got caught doing anything else in that house. One time, you know, you weren't allowed to drive unless you had permission. I drove the first day with or without permission. Thank God they didn't catch me, but there was a couple times they pulled up right next to me.

And I mean, Bold is not a big fucking city guy. At that time, it wasn't. Jesus Christ. If I didn't have fucking conflict, there was no happiness. If somebody didn't, if I didn't owe money, if I didn't rob somebody, if somebody was...

That's why you have so many stories. If somebody wasn't missing money from their house, there was no conflict, I would not rest. Oh, my God. Do you still do it? No, you don't see me. No. I don't know.

Maybe you're good at it. Maybe do it like in secret now. You would hear about it if I created conflict, wouldn't you? If I went down to the store and lit a car on fire, you'd hear about this shit. Maybe, yeah. There's no conflict, really. Either you want conflict in your life or you don't. Okay.

If I put a shirt on right now and put a swat stick on my forehead, I'd have a conflict within an hour, wouldn't I? Less than an hour. Okay, then. If I went to Beverly Hills with a swat sticker on my forehead and with a white shirt on and just walked around saying, vote for me. This is really commandos down there. Yeah. How long would it take, though?

That's creating comfort on yourself. Sometimes you don't need to do that. It's in your body language. So, if you could, like, think about yourself back then, how would you have reacted to Kate Quigley? Would it have been different? I would have Cosby'd Kate Quigley. The first night I met that, dude.

dirty bitch. There's no two ways I would have fucking I would have, no. Who do you really respect to her as a comic? Or is that something you had to learn? If I would have met Kay Quigley when I was 18, no, I'm lying to you guys. Because I had friends that were better looking than Kay Quigley when I was 18.

I just knew I wasn't going to get with them. So they were my buddies. One of my best friends growing up was a girl named Regina Gordon. Her mother had died also. So when my mother died, she was one of the first people to call me. And her and I always had like a weird bond. She always dated good friends of mine, but she always cheated on a good friend of mine with other guys that were friends of mine. So they would always come to me and ask me fucking stupid questions about her.

But Regina was the person who warned me in 85, in 85 about certain people looking for me. I saw her at a bar called the Spot, and I always loved her after that. And you know what? She used to call me in Colorado for years after that. Wake up people looking for me that, you know, I just gave her numbers. Listen, you can't get a hold of me. Call Lee. He'll get a hold of me.

She'd call you four in the morning. Where's Joe Diaz? Go fucking get them. She wouldn't even know who you are. But I had friends that look like that that I just knew I wasn't going to get with. So what am I going to be creepy around them? I'd rather them.

I'd be friend and make them a fucking, an ally. You know? Right. And if you listen to her, she's a dirty freak, but not really. It's not like she's out every night getting late. She's looking for what everybody else is looking for in life. Love.

Yeah. That's it. And she'll know when she finds it. You know what I'm saying? It is hard to imagine, like, being a hot girl and, like, not being able to find a guy. Like, just as a guy who has trouble getting girls, like, when you see a girl like that, you're like, oh, fuck, they can do whatever. What do you think? I was fucking Richard Gere growing up? But do you think I went into bars and picked, I didn't pick up nobody. He picked him. I never picked up a fucking woman in the bar growing up when I was a kid, you know? Yeah, at 4 in the morning I could come up to a woman and go, I got a gram a blow. Do you want to come over the house? That's completely different than somebody being interested in you. fucking piranha on their addiction and I piranha on their addictions that's the only reason why

you think those people walk up in the morning and wanted to hang out with me afterward fuck no they took one look at me and go oh my god I gotta stop doing blow tell me lord I didn't suck his dick tell me lord please tell me and I'd be all smiley with red cheeks he's nice cream and shit get you know no Lee I'm just as bashful as fucking you are but think of the guys that she attracts because she dresses the way she does and she does the shit that she does she attracts a certain type of savage right you know

a guy that's like as Christian fucking morals is going to be intimidated by fucking Kate don't get me wrong there's some of those Christians don't fucking do anything to get into that fucking pussy you know what I'm saying but she's a beautiful girl it's tough being a fucking good looking girl you know yeah you might marry the fucking high school

quarterback but most of the time You know, it's a 50-50 fucking shot. These girls don't have fucking crystal balls. It's true. Like I said, man, when you're looking for all that, the thing I was always looking for was somebody who had my back at all times. That's it.

Without talking shit, you know, there's women that talk shit. There's women that don't give you a chance. But there's men that do the same. How many fucking men do women bad every fucking day? That's true. I just didn't know if you're a, Respect for female comics is something you had to learn.

Or if he was always there. My respect for females was always there because of my mother. You know? We all make fun of strippers. Strippers are a big laugh. But sometimes I look at a stripper and I see myself. I see the saying, that's just something you had to do. They didn't wake up when they were a sophomore in high school and go,

I want to be a stripper. when you go to see your counselor sophomore year in high school, remember when he starts to talk to you about fucking what classes you have to take and, you know, not all those women go in there and tell the guidance counselor,

I don't need this. I'm going to be a fucking stripper. Right. But that's, I mean, I can see the comparison, but I don't think it's the same. Well, you get caught up. What wasn't the same?

I carried a gun. I sold Coke. I tried to rob fucking people. You know, what's their comparison? What's their reality? So their reality? So their reality is they go in, they make some quick money to get hooked on whatever, to pay for their addiction, whatever they want to do, they like nice cars.

Next to you know, they start giving lap dances. You know what? They ain't nothing wrong with sucking a dick for $200. They suck limited dicks. Okay? It's not like they're fucking classified ads and nothing like that. They're very discreet. Very discreet.

$500 here, $1,000 there. Some guy wants to smell your asshole for $200 in the VIP room. Those guys are there in. They want to jerk off on your feet. Whatever the fuck you do. You start doing that a couple of days. Then what happens? One night, you see the guy, he's whatever, he's got $2,000 for you, back in a hotel room.

You go back there, there's six guys there waiting for you. You get beat up or whatever. You don't go to the cops, but you learn a fucking lesson. You turn your life around. What's the difference of what happened to me? I went to prison, and I still didn't turn my life from it. So hopefully they get this beaten, they get fucking a couple dicks in their asshole. They go home, and they get a new life.

and they never tell nobody about that night. Because deep down inside, the reason that drove them to do that was not feeling good about themselves. Those people like that go to the cops and say, I went to a thing and I got rape. You know, you got to prove it and this and that, and you got to, you know, swab and all that shit.

What do you think happens to these women? So now these women have a choice. This woman could get the savings she has, get off drugs, get a job in an office, meet a man, and have a child and live her life normally. normally? Right.

Or she could go back to the strip club the next day. Okay? If I were to came out of there and bought another machine and started checking down

drug dealers, you think you and I would be having this fucking conversation right now, Lee? Probably not. Okay, no.

So those women that we all goof around strippers, that's why I don't go to strip clubs. You think I don't go those strip clubs and I'm like pussy?

I love naked fucking women. But when I go in there, I feel there the same thing I felt at 18 and 19. The shit that I don't, that I'm living with

now, that I don't want to live with Like the last week it's been like, I told my wife, I said, I knew there was something bombing. Yeah, that was a fucking wild five fucking years that I never answered to for nobody. For all your actions, you have to answer to. I never, yeah, I went to president and got it.

And I paid for that thing. But it's the same thing, man. Sometimes you just catch a bad break in life. Are you going to fly back and talk to them face to face? Or like, what is your... Listen, part of me wants to apologize, but the other part of me wants to apologize. but the other part of me wants to leave dead dogs lie

why are we going to ruffle feathers I'll make good somewhere or another eventually on my own I don't know where to start Lee this isn't my name is fucking arrow that I'm making letters I don't know it's even things I didn't do to anybody it's things that I did

that I disrespected myself and who the fuck I am the only thing I'd say is sometimes it's like if you have something that you're always worried about, it's sometimes better just to see what happens. Like, just get it, just get, even though it might suck, just get it over with, and then you don't have to worry about it anymore. Well, I'm not worrying about it.

It's just, listen, I had this box. Mom had this box upstairs in the attic. My mom had a lot of boxes in the attic, but she had this box. It was like a shoe shine box. But it was really a box. and if you saw it, you just thought you put your foot on it, and they shine your shoes, but it was really a box. Right.

And then that box was my birth certificate. With some pictures of me and my dad from Cuba. There was an insurance policy in there. There's a couple pictures of my sister. You know, those fucking boots you wear when you were a kid and they get them bronzed. Right. They were in there. There was a lock of my hair in there.

There was just miscellaneous stuff. Do you know about this before she passed away or now? Oh, yeah, yeah. I used to put shit in there, report cards, and my name came out in the paper once for basketball, and just neat things, little sayings that my mom wrote in there and shit, like, over the years about me. And when my mom died, I had all these boxes,

but I had my eye on that one. I didn't know where to put him. I was going to put him in storage. And my mom's friend, Martin the Fag, Mottina Mariko, he was a drug dealer. He was a good dude. He lived three blocks away from me. He goes, I'm going to put the fuck.

and boxes in my house. He goes, any time you want to come over and get stuff out of the box, well, see the box. Call me. And you come over and see the box. I didn't want to look at the box anymore after my mom died. Like six months after that, when dad saw the rider or my godmother, they're like, have you gone over there and sat with the box? And I'm like, no, I haven't gone over there and sat with the fucking box, all right?

But you know what? If it's a big deal, I go over there and sat with the fucking box, right? box. I went over there, I opened up the box and I nearly had a fucking heart attack. It was my kid's stuff. It was just a bunch of stupid shit. They wanted me to go sit over there with the box. The box was supposed to have like some spiritual fucking meaning in my life, right? I go over there a few times. I go in the room. He goes in the kitchen and watch TV. I go in there, sit down, I open up the box. I have a little nervous breakdown. I cry a few tears. I wipe my tears. I closed the box and I would leave. One day I went in there at the daytime.

And I opened the box and I had a little nervous breakdown. But as I was wiping my tears, I looked at another box that he had. And it was open weird. And there was a baggie sticking out of it. So I went over and they opened up the fucking baggie. And under that baggie and under that baggie and under the other baggie, there were big baggies of fucking blow. So I took some of the Coke out of a little baggie and I put it in like a dollar bill.

There must have been like 18 grams in that. Oh my God. Okay? I took like five or six of them, put them in a dollar bill, like a piece of paper, whatever the fuck I had. And I put him in my pocket, and I closed the box, I closed my box, and I fucking left. I went over there again, and I opened up my fucking box, and I would cry, whatever the fuck. And one day I said, fuck it, I'm robbing all the fucking blow. Every time I went over there, I would look over there, he'd have fucking 20 fucking bags of blow over there.

Maybe four or five ounces, maybe six, maybe ten? I don't fuck him now. Was it his blow, or was it like your mom's blow? It was his fucking blow. My mom was dead. I didn't know, but I didn't know she was, like, hiding blow on the ceiling. How's my mom going to be dead and hiding fucking blow, Lee? Okay, so I robbed this guy.

But I fucked up. The night I robbed him, I took the Coke, and I left a box. I left the box. That was the only time in my life I sold my fucking soul, Lee. I want that box back. You don't have it? No. What does he want for it?

He's gone. he's gone who the fuck knows where he's at that was 30 fucking years ago when i went back in 91 i mean he was looking for me for a while because i robbed this fucking blow people were telling me he was fucking looking for me people are you know martin the fag wants to talk to he's around town looking for you and i went to colorado the whole fucking thing was forgotten i walked around jersey i didn't see him and then i went to colorado for six years when i came back in 91 i said i go to go down there and see martin the fag and get my box my friends lived upstairs from martin the fag I bumped into the sister and I asked if Martin was still there.

She goes, no, he moved like three years ago. He didn't know what happened. The brother owned a spick store around the corner. We were kids. And they used to make the best fucking steak sandwiches over there for lunch. He got into a fight with his wife. They argued the cops came. They arrested him for domestic violence.

He fucking hung himself in the jail cell. So I guess she closed the shop, moved back to Miami with fucking Martin the Fagg, her brother. Her brother-in-law. So do you think it's possible to get the box bank? You ready for this? I do this fucking thing at Marie E.T. I got a call one day in 2014 from this company, and they want to do a video on me and talking about my youth.

And I meet them. And they start asking me questions about New York City. They want to know about New York in the 70s. And they're asking me these questions, and I described who I lived with, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, who I hung around with. Shot a video. That was it.

Went home, never thought about it again. About six months later. I get hit up on Twitter. This girl watched the video. She was in Vegas one time. When I did the show with Rogan, she came up to me, this girl. And she goes, I had a dream about you. I have to listen to some story.

My friend's going to talk to you about something. I don't know what the fuck she was talking about. Well, she contacted her friends. I went to see this Cuban kid from New York City. The girl went online, looked at the video, and caught the video I did for the dude, and it's her mother-in-law that I was talking about. Oh, shit.

She hit me up on Twitter, and she goes, I know who your godmother is, and we have your fucking box. Oh, then when you went to Miami last year? When I went to Miami last year. So do you have the box now? I got the box. Have you looked in it? Yeah, I looked at it. It's like fucking my soul.

It's like the box that the guy was looking for in Pulp Fiction, when Travolta, and the black guy went over there and shot the people. It was his soul. Remember when they went to see that fucking black guy and he had a band-aid on his neck? Right. That's that whole thing. I mean, I'm not saying it was my soul-soule, but it's weird how I sold my soul. And I got it back 34 fucking years later. Why haven't you talked about it until now?

Because I didn't know how to tell the story. I didn't know how to describe what it just happened. How you could lose something that you fucking gave up 34 years ago for a bag of blow. And I got back. These are all the second chances I got. So because of that and all that I just been feeling fucking guilty I caused a lot of havoc

Lee I caused a lot of havoc among good people I had a really bad energy in those days if I came around you'll leave you'd get a flat tie like that's how much of a kiss of death That's why I know what the kiss of death is Because I was the kiss of death for a long time That's why like I think

I don't even know how you would do it But if you could just get it off your mind Because it's 40 years ago They're probably letting you pass. Let's give some shoutouts. All right. John Valentine 2. Glenn Carter.

My man, Don Gito, Andrei Silver, 220 gig, Andrew Southern, Zach Birchman, Cleo, always looking good. And we got to do Cleo's podcast, man. We go with that. And this is so nice. I want to give you motherfuckers some shout-outs,

you bad cocks suckers. What, Lee, what? You're going to do tonight? You're going to go out with me? What are you going to do? You're going to go out? How are you going to do? How are you going to do?

Why don't you go to John Bud's Jiu-Jitsu? I'm fucking high as fuck. That's what you should do tonight. You should go to John Bud's 915 Jiu-Jitsu. You go home now? You take a little nappy Nunu. Nappy Nunu. I had like 400 milligrams.

You got nothing. I gave you three-fifties. Do you have a hundred and fifty? They don't make 50s. In fact, eat these fucking two right here. Get two more. You got any water left? I got plenty of water.

You want to eat two more? No. Why not? Because if it's a fuck, look at my eyeballs. Fuck you. You know nothing. I ate four of them. I'm still over here.

fucking John blazing it by myself, cocksucker. All of a sudden you're depressed, so yeah, that's what's going on, man. But I just, you know, I don't know where to start. I just feel really bad about that time. That's it.

That's all I'm on to say. And since we've got family and they listen to this shit, I want to know, you know, it's funny. I mean, there's some great fucking stories with the Denny's on that Ryan Sicklep podcast. There's some great,

I mean, there's just some great shit. But, you know, the Denny's, I never took a driving test. The Denny's uncle owned a driving fucking company. Guy came over. I didn't take the car around the block. He gave me a driver's license for like $100. You know, this is the fucking crazy life I live. Who the fuck do you tell this shit to?

That's hysterical. I bet it doesn't make you a bad person. Everything I did in those days was badly. Everything I fucking did. You know, even like except hanging out with a villa and Conti and smoking. dope with those guys when I was a sophomore, but everything else I did, I was the kiss of fucking evil. All my thoughts in those days, I was so twisted that all my thoughts were fucking evil, man. Every decision I made, I made it without even thinking. I didn't think of

the consequences who I was hurting, and it's just a bad feeling, even if it was just for a few years of my life. I still retained a lot of friends because they knew what I was going through and my sincerity, and I always apologize, and I'm honest for people, but it was just fucking tough, man. I mean, it's not to say the stuff that you did wasn't bad, but how long can you

punish yourself for it? It's like, I mean, if you don't want to be acting like that. When I did that time, I wiped my hands clean. I said, this is the time I'm doing for all the bad things I fucking did. You know, I got in karma. I believe in fucking karma.

The kid, I lost the kid, you know, my behavior with that. A lot of shit. There was a lot of fucking pain, a lot of fucking, you know, a lot of insecurity, a lot of fucking doubt. But you make peace with yourself

and you move fucking forward. Tomorrow's another day and you could just be that much fucking better the next day. I'm not going to let my character ruin my destiny, bro. Not at all. If not, I'd be shot with them fucking lighters

and, you know, eyeballing windows and shit like I used to... Dog, if I saw a window open, my dick would get hard in those days. I was a fucking klepto fucking maniac. That's all you need is one open window.

Lee, I didn't even need a window. Any opening, I would take anything. If this jar was sealed, I would take it and go to Whole Foods and say, I bought this here. Let me get my money back. Just full time. Just a full time. It just never fucking ended. So, yeah, I have some parts, you know.

So, yeah, I mean, you have some bad karma, but 30 years later, yeah. No, listen, man, I did it all with the comedy. I did it all. You know, I suffered fucking enough. You know, nobody fucking, what do you think? What do you think the drive was? The drive was the fucking pain. The gasoline of this fury was the pain.

It always is. That's what sparks you. There's got to be something that fucking sparks you. You know, you get cut from a professional basketball team. How much do you hurt? Next time you try off for something, but your motivation is fucking pain. You know, you get fired from a job that's easy because you didn't hustle. Next time you get a job, how fucking strong are you going to be?

We don't get stronger as we go along. We get stronger because we recover from different fucking pitfalls that we have. I mean, that's how it works for me. Do you think that's going away now? What? With stuff like participation trophies and, like, parents giving kids money all the time. Like, do you think that having falling to fall down and stuff isn't happening as much? I don't know.

I don't know individuals' lives and how they recover from different things. Yeah. Listen, Frankie Edgar isn't good because he's a great friend. fighter. He was good because he could take a punch and he recovers well. And he gets his wits about him. And that's what life basically is. You're a fucking fighter. And from time to time

you get kicked in the fucking stomach. And it's if you sit there and have to take therapy or whatever, or you go home, write it out and go, these are my parameters and this is my fucking plan. I'm going to attack this. You know, like I told you a thousand times, I could have collected disability and you've been a felon.

At the age, it's dirty. I could have collected a disability and told a bunch of lies and lived off for $600 a month and been content with that. There's people all content with that. That's crap. I mean, it's just, it's... But you really think I was going to stay hit

after going to jail and not do something my life to prove at least to myself that I had a little fucking value? And I'm not talking about doing movies. All I wanted to was just survive and pay my bills and stay out of trouble. If I could do that, that was success in my eyes. I'm not talking about eating at fucking restaurants, and jet setting and driving a Porsche.

You know, that's not a success for me. That's excess. Success is doing something with your life, waking up every morning and having a fucking purpose. Do you think because you're getting more successful, that's why you feel worse about it? No, I don't feel worse about it at all. I feel bad about that time in my life.

I feel bad about that time in my life in many ways, not just about the bad I did what was going on around me. But is it intensified because you're doing well now? Not at all. It was always there. It was just when I wrote it out and discussed it that it hit me back. When he was on the first time, look how much, I forgot all about that Chinese restaurant, shit with Ron. He just knew how to press my buns. And then he called me before I went on the podcast, and he's like, these are the questions. And I said, I don't want to know the questions. I don't want to have mentally prepared answers for you. But this is what he really wanted to know about. And on the drive down there, I thought about it. I'm like, wow, if people only fucking knew it was an adventure every fucking day. It was an adventure every day. It's a crazy way to live your life, man. And at that age. You know, Ralphie was in here saying he had PT, fucking SD.

If he's got PTSD, what the fuck do I have? I got something too. I got hitting that a thousand fucking times too, dog. You want to sign up for a check? Excuse me? You want to sign up for a check? No, I'm just saying that. Listen, it's how we fucking bounce back, cuck, suck.

Let's do the sponsors. Let's get the fuck out of here. It's Labor Day. bitch, it's over. Let's go get some beach. What? Let's go to the beach with the baby this weekend. I might do a lot of fucking things. I'm just happy we got together for this little podcast and we listened to Sweet Leaf

and we talked about women and we talked about fucking Chinese people whatever the fuck we did today. Just a nice simple one, that's it. We had turtles in here, we had the broad in here. We'd have some guests for the last couple weeks. I just want to change it up today. It's the beginning of the month. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Maybe you guys just wanted to hear me and Lee. You know how we do it, though. Always keep you on your motherfucking toes, bitches.

Wally. Wettley. First bond to the ones I love the most fucking on it. Been with us since day one. I love the supplements they have from the hemp. You know what? I'm really getting into this hemp protein now. Yeah. It's easily digested. You know, it's 16

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Shum tech sport. You know, I took one of those things today. The first, they made us do minute rounds and go from people to people. I got to tell you something, man. The first one I had a hard time, I rested a little bit. and after that I did great In fact, I was getting too much oxygen I didn't get submitted

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I'm surprised they're still doing this. I just ordered a box, okay? And I don't know when I'm going to get it. Hopefully I get it in the next two days. I wanted it before Labor Day, and I'll save you a bag. There you won't. Yes, I will. You know, I love you, Cogsucker.

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Someone brought me in Toronto. So he brought it to the weed bar. Oh, my. I'm telling you. It's like better cheeses. I'm telling you guys. And you know what they're doing right now? The first box is on them.

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Hopefully you get them before Memorial, before Labor Day, hopefully or the day after who's better than you to watch football with your fucking snacks, which are on NatureBucks.com. Do me another favor. As far as comfort's concerned, I had two people tweeted this week.

Listen, I don't know what you pay for fucking underwear. I have no idea. The underwear, Miondi sent me, are the ones I wear constantly, especially when I go to Jiu-Jitsu. I don't want nuts falling out and flying. I don't want sweat everywhere. Today I took my Jiu-Jitsu pants off.

They were sweaty. I took the underwear off. There was sweaty. on the outside. On the inside, they were drier than fuck. I don't walk all fucked up no more. There's no shafing. You know why? Because the material is light. It's smooth. Whether you have one of their t-shirts on, or their sweatpants

or their hooded sweatshirts, the material always feels good. But as far as your ball sack and what goes down there, listen, Miandis is the fucking best. It's like walking around with somebody massaging your nutsack all day. But listen, do me a favor. Go to meondees.com right now. Look at the web page.

Look at what they got to offer. women, they got some great stuff there. And for limited time only, they're going to give you what, 20% off and free shipping in Canada and the United States. It don't get no fucking better than that, people. You know, everything I try to help you people, it was a little bailout. 10%

on it, Nature Box, the first box is on them, and me on these, 20% off and free shipping in Canada and in the United States. What's the code? They press them for me on these. Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, get 20% off and free shipping. I want to give a shout out to my people.

nailed it life. I want to give a shout out to my people over at Ultra Flicks. I want to give a shout out to my people over at Next Issue. Everybody's doing a great job. Thank you very much for supporting us and supporting the podcast, you bad motherfuckers. And that's it. Hittie Siggs is always with us.

And don't forget, I'm at the comedy store with my main man, Dean Delray on Wednesday night and Jim Florentine. Friday, I'm at the Ice House 9-11. And then the following weekend, it goes down. We met some cool motherfuck because last night. Remember the chick?

Yeah. Real nice. They're going to be in Vegas. Some people coming out. I tape I'm doing a run-through on Friday, but the real taping is Saturday. I think it's the 19th. If you're around, come over and say hello. New York City. Oh, shit. The 25th and 26th.

But fuck it. Let's burn the special first. Then we'll worry about New York City. And don't forget, guys, if you want to go to the Vegas special, call them up and tell them you want a room and show a package. I think it's cold. And they'll give you a special deal on the room. So, as Andrew Southerthin said,

only a MMO. Mike over at South Point's taking good care. Yeah, Mike's a great guy. And I said cocksuckers. That's what's been bothering me lately. So it's not bothering me no more. I just wanted to... No, man, but I can understand where it would weigh on your soul, but you can't...

I got a child, you know, and I don't... I know, I'm going to have to tell her these stories. Well, they're going to be out there. That's going to be fucked up. Eventually, she's got... Mercy's going to listen to these, eventually. So what? So what? I arrived to listen to these and

What the fuck is Fandu? Why they keep bothering me? I don't want Fandu. I don't know these people. Why are you bothering me for? PlayStation. Who the fuck is PlayStation bothering me for? You know what I'm saying?

I don't know these fucking animals. What do you got playing this weekend, sexy motherfucker? Got the fair on Friday. Oh, that's right. And where do you have to go there? I don't know. Pomona. Yeah, sure.

What time are you leaving? I opened at noon, so I think we're going to go get like a late breakfast around there. It's going to be fun. Some guy, someone who listened said he works there at the ice cream and he can get me ice cream. Ice cream? Yeah, it's a good time. Look at you, dog, a little fucking ice cream this weekend. What are you doing for Labor Day?

You're going to party? What day's Labor Day? Monday, you fuck. Don't we have a podcast? Maybe. Maybe we didn't have a new one. But maybe, what, you have no friend? You don't want to go swing somewhere?

V-MAC will probably have a barbecue. Remember, we'll go over there. That'd be nice. We'll throw some kettlebells on Tuesday. You're doing good. You were fucking throwing those things up yesterday. I really like the kettlebells. Yeah, he killed us yesterday.

Jesus Christ. I went up to it because I had hurt my elbow, so for two weeks, so I was like the 25-pounders, and then, like, yesterday we, he pushed him up to the 45. You're going to see Hassan tomorrow in 12th. Yes. You're going to have a good time. Trust me. Listen, man.

Yeah. I've been very, the two things I'm sticking with are things. that have been there's nothing like doing something and not having support or not having help you know

when I first got into comedy I had great help I had help from a kid named Todd Jordan obviously they saw something in me like I see in Kate

I would help Kate I would help any comic that I've had in that chair even comics I don't have in that chair from Johnny Rock to Rizzo if I see somebody

putting the work in I would help them and create an opportunity for them. That's what you do as an older comic. You teach. You know, you, you, it's, it's a brotherhood, okay? It's really a brotherhood comedy. That's why, when I got into this, I got into this because I was the impression that this is a brotherhood. And for some comics, it really is.

For some people, it's being in Hell's Angels, that's a brotherhood or in a gang or in the mafia. For me, this was my brotherhood. At least that's what it felt like. And then for a couple years, I got that feeling alienated from me when all that stuff went down at the store. But over the last couple of years, I feel the brotherhood again. You know, it's not all of us across the country, but in my realm, it's Duncan. Ari Sheffey is my brother. Joe's my brother.

Brian Callan's my brother. Tom Seguer is my brother. You know, this Ryan Sickler's my brother. Josh Wolf is my brother. Brody Stevens is my comedy brother. What does that mean? That, you know, I got their back. That's what the privilege I got.

That if they're in need, Greg Fitzsimmons, I have so many Jerry Rocha, I have so many comedy brothers, Gabriel, Martin Moreno, Alfred Robles, I would do anything for them because they put the work in. With Jiu-Jitsu, it's been amazing to support.

I'm terrible. Everybody wants to help me. There's nothing I can do for them. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I can't put them on TV. But me going in there and being built like I am and being old or at least, you know, not 22 inspires them and they want to help.

Everyone's been very nice to me interested. It's not. It's not the issue. You put it out there. When you, next time you come on here and you go, oh, and hey, bro, I'm going to go to Boston. You're going to get three emails from Boston saying, hey, man. We'll pick you up at your house, take you to Jiu-Jitsu, train you. We got moves for you already.

They've got to be a big little guy. You have small legs. Don't say shit like that to you. And you're like, oh, my God. Oh, no, they've been very nice. In all honesty, when I started, just when I started doing kettlebells, I just loved that. And I wasn't having a great time at Jiu-J-J-T-S just because I'm so terrible.

Because it's hard. It's not easy work. But think of once you put a year in, or crawling around the floor like a fucking iguana. And what happens to your body? long time to be doing something you don't like Who gives a fuck? You'll like it Trust me. You don't like it right now

Because you're not good at it Yeah, it's not hard. That's why 90% of people quit in the beginning Because they're not good at things. You know what? You were a fucking terrible swing On the first week you went in there. Now you're swinging. You gave it a chance. Oh, I love it.

You know what happened with Jitsu? That shit pushed your heart to the fucking limit. You thought your little fat, little Jew heart was going to blow up. Yeah, I did that all the time. Nobody likes that. You think you're the first one to be uncomfortable? I was more uncomfortable than you are,

and I got more of a chance than fucking punching the ticket than you do. I didn't like it. You think I like feet? You think I like men sweating on me and smelling armpits and people doing cross over and smelling an asshole in your face? But I've never been treated that way. I've never had guys stop and say, hey man, put your arm there and choke me. Oh, no, everyone's always been super nice.

So trust in a tongue, you never kick. You never kick a fucking horse in the mouth That's offering you a sandwich Whatever that fucking expression I don't know what the fuck it is You never kick a gifted horse in the mouth Trust him to tell you What are you gonna do?

Do that fucking elliptical the rest of your life? Is that what you're trying to tell me? And the kettlebells? Right That's what you're gonna do You're gonna do the elliptical to your 50 Because you know you stay off that elliptical For two months

You and mom, it's all over the shop Right You know, they're gonna have to tie a string around You and float you around the fucking town So is that what you're gonna do to you, 65. I don't fucking think so. Get involved in the martial. I don't give a fuck if it's doing a bone hour, but you

can't sit on that couch three days a week, four days a week. That elliptical, that shit don't work for you no more. He's wasting your time. Ask the fucking Steve the yogi guy. You're just getting, what's a new expression? You're getting skinny fat. Go throw some fucking kettlebells around you, a 27-year-old young man.

I'll be any kind of skinny I can. Get in that fucking thing over there and get on your back and start choking people because if the shit goes down one day, you're gonna protect a fucking your wife. All right? Trust me. You're always gonna be a little chubby.

You're gonna have a big head. You can headbutton motherfuckers. So trust me. So the judge headbutting? No, but you pick that up. You add that into your own little street jihad through something goes down. That's a YouTube video.

You know, Paul's gonna be an attorney. Something goes down. You don't want to go to karate. You don't want to go to a psychie. What are you going to hit him with a kettlebell? No. You might as well learn something. Get involved with some kids that are your rage

instead of some fact, oh, fuck like me. And you have a complete different life. You're doing something else. Right now, you go to kettlebells on Tuesday. You go to that gym, the same parking spot every fucking day for the last 16 months

to 55 minutes and you go home. No sit-ups, no push-ups, no nothing else. You know why you almost fucking passed out of kettlebells? Because there was somebody there, Lee, helping you, pushing you a little bit. And this is why people pay for personal

training. Because if not, they'll stay on the Lytical and do the lowest thing they could do. That's why I like hell about so much. And one day you're going to go for a run, there's going to be an earthquake, you're going to go, man, I'm not really in shape. How come I go there and I run 55?

I do an hour and five minutes, and I'm like Johnny fucking floating on air, but now I've got to run from fucking Godzilla and I'm out of breath after a minute. Trust me, brother. Ten years from now, you're going to look at me and go, dog, that's the best thing you ever said to me. I keep going.

Listen, Ben, a few people at home that. I don't want to listen to advice. I might listen to advice either. But the reason why I'm here is because of advice from somebody who cares to me. And everyone loves it. It just seems like it's a long I felt like those people just probably loved it from the, I see people who love it

from the beginning. The people are involved in Jitsu are people just like you. Everybody who walked in there from fucking, what do you think? Hassan is on a motorcycle, people fucking Hassan's a quiet, mild manner guy. That whole school was a bunch of editors. At one time there was

six editors. The rest of them, the computer, the nerds. What do you think walks out to the juts? Yeah, there's some guys that are the top three or four

them, but the rest of them are guys like you that just go in there for a year, shut their mouths, get beat up for nine months, lose 50 pounds, get stronger than death. That guy that Scott Ross,

the guy we had here, that nerd fucking writer guy, that's been my brother for 15 fucking years. He wasn't built like that. He doesn't lift weights. That's just Jiu-Jitsu. His body changed

100% since I hung out with him in Tripoli 17 years ago at the store. He just got his blackmail for many. Well, I'll do that. And he's going to be 40. Okay? So at 40, this is keeping you alive. Three days a week,

when Paul is breaking your balls, when the podcast numbers are down, and everything's fucking going down. Instead of parking over there and being around douchebags at that place, you tape your hand, you put your little gear on, you do some jumping jack, you go over there, and you choke mouth.

now. You're finished. You get choked out. You see how come you come to death. But you didn't die. You take your gear off. You take your t-shirt off. You have a protein shake. And you feel so much better about yourself. You got that fucking elliptical. Do what?

Do what? It's time to... All right, don't do the elliptical. At least go for a fucking run around North Hollywood Park. What are you going to do a little run? It's boring. Well, that fucking ellipticals got to be dead, too. No. All right. Let's get the fuck out of here. I love you.

you guys one more time on it naturebox.com and me on these. All right. We love you guys. We'll see you Monday. Have a great safe weekend. Stay black and all that shit. This show, now that this show is over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and get your sample box, your first sample box on them. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. It's naturebox.com slash Joey.

Show us brought to you by Meandies.com. Go to meandes.com slash Joey and get 20% off your first order with free shipping in the United States and Canada. And go to Anand.com and use Cobur Church to get 10% off all of their grid optimization products. What's up, Claire? I was a shitty pie. single day. May I kick a little something for the cheese and make a few wins as I breeze through two in the morning and the party still jumping because my mama ain't home. I got bitches in the living room getting it on and they ain't leaving till six in the morning. So what you want to do?

Shit, I got a pocket full of ruppers and my homeboys do too. So turn off the lights and close the door. But for what? We don't let them hold. Yeah. So we don't smoke an ounce to that. G's up, holes down. you motherfuckers bounce to this. Rolling down the street. Smoking in now. Sipping up getting used. Lay back. With my mind.

Don't get in. Now that. I got me some CERN's gene. Everybody got their cups, but they ain't chieftain. Not as types of shit happens all the time. You gotta get yours, a fool, I gotta get mine. Everything is fine when you're listening to the DOG. I got the cultivating music that be captivating he.

Who listens to the words that I speak? As I take me a drink to the middle of the street And get to Mac into this bitch name's chase She used to be the home boys lady 80 degrees when I tell that bitch please Raise up off these in you tease Because you get none of these at ease As I mob with the dog pound

Feel the breeze Beache of Jets Rolling down the street So I'm sipping on gin and gills Lay back With my mind on my money in my mouth Sipping on gin and gills Lay back

Later on that day My homie Dr. Dre came through with a gang to Tangeray And a fat-ass Jake Of some bubonic product that made me choke shit This ain't no joke I had to back up off of it and sit my cup down Tangeray and Chronic yeah I'm fucked up now But it ain't no stopping

I'm still popping Dre got some bitches from the city of Compton To serve me not put a cherry on top Because when I bust my nut I'm raising the box the cops Don't get upset girl, I just hot ghost I don't love you hoes I'm out the dope And I'll be Rolling down the street, smoking in now, sipping on tin and deals.

Lay back. With my mind, don't my money in my money on my mind. Rolling down, sipping on ten and deals lay back.