The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #315 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: September 8, 2015

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian seen on ShowTime's "Andrew Dice Clay Presents: The Blue Show, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: NextIssue.com/Joey for a free trial of the Magazine app Next Issue Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 09/07/15 Music:  Work it - Missy Elliot Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Rock Bottom - UFO

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me happy labor day to you cock suckers I'm happy you took the time here we go oh shit Monday September 7th the day the devil was fucking lit on fire in Philadelphia The Pope is coming, cock-suckers. What? Oh shit. The church, motherfuckers. It's mundane. Put that number up.

What? Oh. Here you go. I put my thing down, flipping and reverse it. Here you go. Do it. It's your primitive is wet and yet. If you got a big, what?

Let me search it. Shake that ass, cock sucker. Scrass that pussy. It's Labor Day, motherfucker. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Come on. I like to get the no y'all.

Are you fucking kidding me or what? Missy Elliott dropping it on you motherfuckers. Fuck that little skinny white chick that people show up to play with. What's the name? I don't know. Oh, what's your name? Taylor Swift. I don't even know one of her fucking songs.

That's how out of fucking touch I am. You've heard it on the radio. I don't listen to the fucking radio. Sing one. I don't know any of them. I listen to, unless they play it on Ozzie's Boneyard, lithium. I only listen to whatever that fucking shit is. Jimmy Florentine show, Jim Norton's show.

Yeah, serious. That's all, I don't even listen to open, Anthony. It's the Florida. It's a European gym. Whatever the fuck of it. I don't listen to anything that they talk on. I listen to music in my fucking car, and there's never nothing new.

It's lithium. It's old school. It's fucking Ozzy's bone yard. The 80s. The one after that, classic rock, whatever the fuck that is, classic rewind. That's it. The vinyl, classic vinyl, and every once in a while,

I put on Studio 54, which kind of blows. They have one or two good songs every fucking three hours. Like a Donna Sama. The groove is killer. Or Sylvester. What's the groove? The one under it? What channel?

I think it's under it. Fifty-one. Then like 48 has that one radio show with the black people. Fucking the best show I've ever heard in my life. I don't even know what the fuck. The old hits or something. R&B. There's a bunch.

No, they play like one song per podcast. And they're just three black guys. They just torment people. I don't know what the fuck it is. What's up with you, Johnny Television? How much TV you watched this weekend? Not much, just a little bit. Just found out there was, it was only like 10, 30-minute episodes.

10-30-minute episodes. Went to the L.A. Fair, which is a lot of fun. Right. It was great. We were there all day. Right. Walked around. You had a good time. What did you do Saturday? I took the stars that you gave us. So, yeah, we just took that and kind of hung up. When did you do yesterday and see you nothing? Nobody sees Lysayette no more.

We see each other every day. What do Sunday? I don't know. I have no idea. You're sitting there. It's more fucking TV. I know what it is. You're fucking walking vitamin D deficient.

And you've got the time to sit in the fucking house. I'm going to be vitamin D deficient no matter what I do. I don't tan. I burn or I'm white. You've got to get out and get sun. First thing. How can you sit in that fucking house? I want you to go back.

Easily they have AC. I want you to go back home and smell that fucking sofa seats. Smell yours and hers. And ask yourself, where the fuck am I doing this wrong? Feet fucking asshole and shit. Oh yeah, I got the one with the, I got a recliner on it. It's great. Sure you do.

Smell that fucking thing tonight. No, I don't know. What I'm not to deal with you? You're saying I'll deal with 27 years old in all weekend watching parks and fucking recreation. No. This is what I'm talking about. Are you kidding? This is unbelievable a guy like me.

Like, I don't even understand this. First of all, we watched one season ahead of only a few episodes. It's the fucking weekend. How many times did you drill? A bunch. No, how many? I don't know. How many?

Not every day. I got a thing you didn't ask. No, you didn't. You don't have the balls to ask every day, bend over. I don't have to ask. Say, bend the fuck over, you fuck. Papa's coming to town, the King Jew. That probably wouldn't go over too well.

You just take? No, but it's not, I mean, I ask, but it's also just like that. You probably invite her over for the weekend when she got a period, too, and waste that fucking time. We have sex with you guys up here. That's disgusting. Why? Really, with everything you'd look at assholes? Mexican blood all over the place.

Looks like Viva Sepato was damaged. It's all over the place. Disgusting. You don't. Do you want to do with girls on the period? Fuck. Doug, listen, when a girl's on a period, I don't want to see the bitch. You understand me? Not even from a distance. Not even from a far. I could sniff out fucking period.

We just watched the episode. You started eating peanuts and get all creepy and shit. We did watch the episode of the Sopranos where Junior's going to Boka. And then everyone makes fun of them. For eating pussy and shit. Tremendous. That's a great episode. That's a great fucking episode.

That's the episode that changes the series. Really? Because if Tony's wife had been quiet, hadn't told the secret, and Tony didn't, like, loses temper on the golf course, then no bad shit would have happened. Right. Everything bad happened from that episode. She got to deal with it.

Because the mom and junior put the hit out on Tony. Yeah. Everything bad happens. Nobody better than the mom in that series. Oh my God, he's so scary. It's the best. There's some good fucking TV now on those Netflix and channels and shit.

Yeah. That Ron, whatever Perlman's show looks okay. I'm going to start watching that. He plays the judge and his son kills himself and that son with the son. The show. Listen, man, I don't like sitting there and watching TV, but when you go out of the night and do comedy,

now that I don't do blow. See, when you do blow, you get on stage, and then you do blow, and that's your fucking night. But now when you don't do blow, it's kind of interesting. You come home, you get some coffee, you get a notebook, you think of the jokes that bombed. You think of what didn't bomb, you know what I'm saying? You watch a little TV.

I'm so happy to hear you say that. What's up, Cocksucker? Look at your sitting there. Nothing. I'm high as fuck. What's up with you? It's different. When you have, when you have, when you.

Listen, in the old days, as soon as I got off that stage, wouldn't place a show, whether I did good or bad, it didn't matter. Thank you. Because I was going right to that bathroom. I didn't care if Wheels was watching. And I was going to do two fucking blast of debt. He wouldn't watch you, unless you went in the ladies room. And then I would go right to that fucking bar and get a double or a shot.

Yes. That was it, just to get the blood gone. And then after the alcohol came down, I got in the car and I got the fuck out of there and went home and finished a package. So it's a complete different adventure now. I don't even know how to act. Yeah. Especially going to the store because for years, that was my M.O. When I went to the store, I was really scared.

Does it trigger you there at all? Because some people can't. No. They'll do their set and they run out. I agree. I think it's a pussy thing. When I went in there for Marin, that was the first time I went in there. He was like that in the beginning.

He got better now. Did he? But he was afraid to come in. Yeah, I hadn't been in there at all. And somebody, I go, Lee, I got to shoot at Comedy Store. A couple people like, are you concerned? I'm like, no. Well, not only were you shooting at the Comedy Store.

They made you do fake coke, right? I'm an adult, you know? Like, I'm a fucking adult. You know what I'm saying? Like, sorry, I got a nut. That's all right. Get it. It's clean.

It's clean. I went from Jiu-Jit-to, but I remember going there, and I got really sentimental. Yeah. When I walked in, those were the two reasons I went back to the store. It was walking through there and knowing that I had so much time invested. Yeah. And I'm not talking about fucking time in the belly room or time dicking around. I'm talking about sweat.

I hosted in that motherfucker. Fuck, yeah. And I put all that time. Fat baby. Fat baby. And yet, I went home and I had to do a colonoscopy. Ooh. And you can't sleep.

After a certain point, you got to drink this fucking vinegar at late, too. Yeah. And I drank the vinegar and I started smoking pot. It's not really vinegar. It's some juice they give you this shit, your blood out or whatever the fuck. And for some reason, for years, Marilyn Martinez would torment me about being there. We would talk about comics, like that shit you were watching this weekend. Yeah. Like if you came to me and said, dog, I watched three Pink Panther movies with

What's the name? Just to show where real fucking comedy is. I'd have no beat with you. I'd say you showed her history. Yeah. You showed her that shows it has That's got no moments dog. Nobody's only remember that show in 30 years. Nobody just this fucking stupid generation. Yeah, but that's the reason you don't need Chinese with anymore. You have to be able to watch new things sometimes. That's garbage. There is so much there is so much shit that you need to to watch if you want to be in this business and that's not one of them. That's not one of them. I'm on Joey's side of them. That's not one of them. If you want to do anything with comedy, you got to watch the great fucking comics

and there is nobody who translated more on film than Peter Sellers. And I hate fucking English people in the man at that time. At that time I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Why are they speaking like that? And when I went to see those couple movies and then I went back after I became a comic.

See, I watched them and then I went back after I became a comic and I shot shit. So you know exactly when they told them cut. You know exactly when they said cut because they couldn't take it no more. Like this motherfucker cut, we can't take it. You just destroyed the set. Like if you ever

see, they always say when Christopher Walken walks on the set, it's completely different. You can have everybody on the set. When Christopher Walken's on the set, do yourself a favorite put away the cell phone because you're about to learn something. People like, even in rehearsal, people clap. Like 30 fucking years. You know, it's 30 years. You know, it's 30 years.

You cannot take that away from him. Well, what about the guy in fucking Narco, the Mexican guy, who we were talking about this past weekend, he plays Gacho. Louis Guzma. Yeah. Doing it fucking, how long he said? 20, 30 years? It's terrific.

I saw him on the second season of Miami Vice, the opening episode. When the Colombians go to New York, that's 1984. So you do the fucking math. Wow. That's 31 fucking years. You know, I was watching El Ray. You ever watch El Ray channel? it's Robert Rodriguez's channel

He's got some interesting stuff And he's got a lot of kung fu stuff You can see where him and Tarantino Blent, they like old school stuff Yeah They really went back Listen The cut volume, killed Bill, volume one and two

They're not Academy Award winners in my book But if I see Tarantino, I'll give him a hug You know why? Because he's watched Every bad martial art film I watched He's watched and references You know, they could reference it So that's what I was telling Lee, that I'd watch those first repeat of cellar movies. Before any of this shit you're watching, any of this shit, any of this nonsense, that 902 and old black people in prison with the lesbians.

I don't even know what the fuck you're watching. Oh, Orange is the New Black. I like that one. I don't know what the fuck you're watching. I watch that one. If you, and that's what happened. I had tape being there. And Marilyn Martinez was a big-time Catholic.

Yeah. Big-time Catholic. Huge. She used to always brush my balls about watch being there. I watched me, and I couldn't sleep, and I had some weed, and I smoked on. I watched being there, and it just took me. That's Dice's favorite movie. I mean, it has never, a movie has never taken me like this,

like that I broke down emotionally in the living room. Like you do when you're nine and you're making your first communion for the first time, and you go down there, and everything's a joke. For me, everything is a joke until I got that wafer in my mouth, and I sat down and knelt down. God touched me. I remember feeling like, you know, that's why I hate going to church sometimes because it's reality for me. When I go to church sometimes and I sit in and I'm a little high and a 730 mask and I'm not really ready to accept this.

But I started looking at the 12 stations of the cross. And by the time I get to him getting picked up, dog, I break down. That's what I grew up in. That's what I fucking grew up in. So when I saw people, now I'm watching a guy Lee that was my comedy idol, like him, Jackie Gleason, And what's the dude who would fall out in front of every show, the English guy. Benny Hill.

Benny Hill. That's as good as it gets in my world, especially after you've done comedy. And you want, so now I'm looking at this guy that I loved, oh, please, now I love this guy that I looked at as one of the best comedians of all time. He don't do a comedic thing in being there. Not a comedic thing, Lee.

like if I go for drama shows sometimes it's like a cop asking me questions after three questions even me being dramatic you're going to get a howl out of it because the way I say it what do I know what the fuck he was something I'll stutter and get a lot

most producers don't want that and they'll go join me we really love you for the row but after the third line you have this fucking howling this is a TV drama to TV drama so Peter Sellers when you have you seen being there? Yes. When you watch it, and what's her name was good looking

in that movie? Yes. She was beautiful in that fucking movie. When I watched that movie at 5 in the fucking morning, it just taught, like, I had to get up, smoke pot, light a candle, you know, make breakfast. No, I couldn't even make breakfast. I remember saying, when I get back and sleep,

I'm calling the store for spots. That was the reason why. That's how much that movie touched me, because Maryland, so it was Marin, and that movie. How crazy? Just because Marilyn always referred that movie to me. Once I saw that movie.

So you never watched it when she was telling you to watch it. Who the fuck? Listen, in 19... I get it. Like I was telling Lee, from 88 to 2006, I only watched what was important to me. Right. I didn't go out of my limb because I didn't have time.

I was snorting blow. I was doing comedy. If it was something that motivated me, I'm in a hotel room and Goodfellas is on. I'll watch it. I'm in a hotel room on the weekends in Philadelphia. Phil is this killer. You know, I watch Gangland in a hotel.

Do I stay home and watch it when I'm home on Friday morning? Fuck, no. But when I'm in a hotel room, I can't wait to finish it. I can't wait to finish radio. So I get back to my hotel room, eat a fucking sandwich, and watch Gangland. And remember, here it starts at 6. So in New York, it starts at 9. So it goes to like 3 in the afternoon.

So I'm in fucking heaven. But I got nothing to do. I'm in a fucking hotel room in a strange city. I can get up, go to the museum, which I'm not doing. Or I can sit here and watch Gangland. Find out what black people do in Atlanta. Joe Diaz, don't hit the Met. Fuck, I did all that dumb shit.

Imagine. I walked around for years. You do that as a feature act. When you're a headliner, you don't have fucking time. You have so much things in your mind. You have people paying money to come see you that want to laugh. When I'm a feature in front of Joe, do you think I gave a fuck who came? Who didn't come?

I had 20 minutes to do. I just go up then do stupidity. But if you want people that keep coming back, you got to get up. You got to get up and give them some love. So if I'm out fucking around all afternoon, ha-ha-ha-ha-in with people, eat hot dogs. By the time I get there at 8 o'clock, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha-h-hout. Yeah. I'm already cha-cha-ch-chad out.

There's not a lot of ha-ha's at the men. There's no ha-ha-ha-sat the fucking met. So you go to the men and get a little culture. I made Dyko last year, last summer. Me and his wife got him to go. It was pretty amazing to watch him. What is this shit? Because I'll tell you why it's amazing.

We didn't have a show that night, though. The same reason why my wife has a great time with me. Because where I come from, you don't go to the fucking Met. No, me either. Okay? So when somebody makes you go to the Met, at first you fight it, but then you actually have a great time. Yeah.

Like my favorite place in New York, New York City, the fucking, listen, when New York sneezes, all you little motherfuckers catch a cold. Yeah. End the story. But my favorite place in New York is smoking a joint, going to a museum of natural history. God forbid.

God forbid I catch an egg roll before I walk in there or two. God forbid I catch an egg roll by mistake or two good sabret hot dogs or a good fucking those steaks on a stick that you put on the gyro and eat it. God forbid on the way in I catch three or four of those. Two, three hours at the statue, at the Museum of Natural History, it ain't nobody better than you. With a Walkman on, stone to the fucking gills, and you get the thing, and then you go out, you hit the fucking tutu-to-roots and you come back in again. that's my world.

That's number one. Number two is going deep into Harlem, getting a bag of dope and getting some Cuban food or some black soul food or some barbecue and going to a fucking triple feature like a Clint Eastwood triple feature

for $3. Listen, anybody can go to movies with white people. Go to movies with black people. That's what people. Right there 100th is, this is 30 years ago, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know how it is now. But I watched all those movies.

That's an afternoon for me. Everything else going to the beach and all that shit. New York. I'm not going to San Janeiro feast when I go back there. I don't like

none of that shit, man. I really like when I headline Friday and Saturday, I like to relax. Yeah. I don't want no drama. Hey,

yeah, let's do dinner. Do dinner with your mother. Not this time. I'm about myself today. If not I got to talk to you about the chicken, what do you think about the lettuce?

Yeah. Then I'm fucking wearing myself out. Yeah, I don't want to wear myself. I like, I just got so many fucking cops like I said me. What's up,

Lisa, I ask? What's up, Lee Syiatz? We do this. We like the same thing. Fuck going outside. That's why you get a girlfriend, so you don't have to go outside anymore. I'm going outside.

My boyfriend cleaned my windows today. You've got to go outside in the morning. She's got to go out and greet the day. How can I talk to you at 9 at 2 o'clock? You're headed to the gym. You sat there for 4 hours, looking, watching, looking at what? Doing what? How can you sit in the house at 9 in the morning once the day opens up,

looking at TV? Where do you go at 9? in the morning. Anywhere, but in that fucking house. Listen, third thing I do is take a shower and wash my pussy

so there's no misunderstanding. Okay, okay. You ever get up and you're a little bots and you're fucked up and at 11 o'clock you realize you haven't taken a shower? It's because you didn't take a shower.

Take a fucking shower. It wastes you right to fuck up. Don't show up by me with fucking curls and that fucked up hair do. Take a shower in the fucking morning. I agree. And it makes, it brightens everything.

Once you take a shower, it's like your mind tells your body. Why don't you take a shower from? Let me go outside and see. he was cracking. And you go outside and you look and you get to man, you thank the Lord for giving you another fucking day. Look at whoever running, who's ever running shit on the sun?

Thank you for turning it out another day. Somebody paid the bill for the son. Somebody paid the light bill. They paid the light bill. Something. And by doing that, now you're like, well, I got to do something. Well, maybe I don't have to go exercise. Nobody says you got to go exercise. Who am I? Jack Lane. Go for a walk.

Go for a walk. Roll that number. That same joint you smoked on your balcony. When was the last time he smoked a joint? Just went for a walk to think I've got I've got ideas Uh-oh You don't I've been telling you

For 10 fucking years Smoking a little joint Go for a fucking walk See what happens to you See what happens to you I live next to our Popeye's And the we're gonna walk To Popeye's a weanish mitchell

But if you notice Next to the fucking Popeyes is a yoga studio That's offering a free week for free I can't do you And they have beginning Why not? How many classes am I gonna sign up for?

It's a free week You're going there like a Jew You're going there for a week And on the fifth deli You run the fuck out I hurt my wrist I'm on disability. I shouldn't have been here anyway. I'm doing kettlebells, jujitsu, the gym.

That's it. That shit you're doing that 24 hours. That don't count no more. Yes, it does. Walking up and down, that don't do nothing to you no more. It doesn't. You're way beyond that now. You can't, a year. He's been on the elliptical like a momo.

A year. That's it, it wore off. It's lying to you. The things in your hands are lying to you. I don't know if that's accurate. I'm telling you right now. Tomorrow you got kettlebells, John Bud said you go to Jiu-Jitsu Wednesday night with him.

It's going to be nice and take care. How am I going to go Wednesday night? We've got no podcast Wednesday night. You go to Jitsu, we got no podcast. See that? You just gave me the night off. And I get to go get choked and get bruised. You get beat up?

What the fuck? What's better than that? Who's better than you? 27 years old. You got the world by the balls. That Omaplata is scary. That's right. It's all scary.

It's a crazy move where they flip you over and like they have your arm with their legs. And it's just like. They were doing knee bars. I was upside down with my asshole wide open. If a fag would have been flying by and he got shot by a gun, he would have flown right into my fucking asshole. Just on fucking Magneto. Perfect.

Just on Magneto. Just on Magneto purposes. Someone needs to illustrate that. Did you see someone did a cartoon of when Ralphie was on? No. And I looked like the, like, Hitler's drawings of Jews. What? Like, the guy who drew me,

it looked like I'm like the drawings that Hitler did of the Jews. It's fucking hysterical. I don't know if I ever saw it. all the drawings that Hitler did. Not Hitler did, but the Nazis did. You didn't know that? Yeah, I didn't know Hitler. He was an artist. He's making little stick figures. He wasn't an artist. Like half these

momos weren't artists. Everybody wants to be an artist. Oh, he wasn't bad. No, you're defending Hitler? They should have let him into art school. If they let him into art school, he wouldn't have killed all the Jews. He would have been a prick anyway. He would have done something that cuck-s-suck. Yeah, he would have figured something out. Yeah. Hitler had a fucking plan since they were. So what they're saying, if he would have got the art school and if I would have got the

prison I wouldn't have kidnapped Kent Bella. You know what I'm saying? Same fucking difference. I guess. I don't know. I don't know if anyone's saying it. I said it when I found out that he didn't get into art schools. He tried to get into twice. Maybe if he was an artist. So that's what I'm saying. So you're saying he's an artist.

If he was a better artist, if he was a better artist, he would have got into drawing school. Maybe he should have been born today where they give everybody a ribbon. So he felt good about himself. Too bad. He was born in a day where you got to be good or you don't get fucking artist. Hold on. Let me throw a piece of fucking peanut butter on that white wall. Boom, I'm a fucking artist. And there's always three jerkoffs that are sitting there

scratching their chin going, oh my God, that's brilliant. Whatever, it's just a different society you get into. Now, even comedians are their artists all of a sudden. I'm a fucking comedian. I don't know about no artistry. I don't know how to tell stories at Hashway's Deli. That's my university. These guys go to Julia. They're walking around half retarded. I don't know how to do comedy 101 at Hashways Deli on a bus. That's right. You know, what the fuck. I'm going to go to fucking Improbbing and jump around with those fucking moments. Please. I would pay

anything to see you. Here, hold on. I'm a lizard. Hold on. Here I am. I'm a lizard. I just saw a lizard. I almost died coming up the stairs. He was three inches. Where? Right downstairs. Little fucking lizard ran from me. You know, like lizards? I'm a New York City kid. Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, I used

to live in the city, and I would go to Miami in the summers, and they had tons of lizards. In the first week, I couldn't sleep. Just knowing. There's no way with it. They come in my fucking window. I would have a heart. You saw dead bodies in Lizards to scare you? That's different.

That's different. They're dead. They can't crawl in you while you're sleeping. That's only an AMC. This fucking generation sits there and watches a bunch of idiots walking around fucking dead. Walking dead. The fuck out of here.

My brother Tommy watches marathons. It's crazy. The best is the people who dress up and go down the Jersey Shore and walk around like they have dead. Listen, the best thing you could do with those people is get a machine gun and spray them. While you're down, just spray them. And do them a favor. You have debt already.

You're walking around playing a TV show that shoots in Atlanta, fucking like a momo. Listen, I don't know what the fuck is going on with society. It's a mess. I was in the office before, and I could hear the Scientology movie. Oh, it was great.

And the first thing I'm thinking about in the back of my mind was, let's be honest with ourselves. I haven't heard one fucking black voice or Mexican in this. This is a white retardation that you would join this shit. First of all, they blackmail. you. There's no way about it. Isn't Will Smith in it? Isn't Will Smith one of them? Yeah, but he don't count.

Is he? He ain't no fucking. Yeah, he supposedly Tom Cruise got him. Yeah, but I think they got him later. Like, where, I'm serious. They got him recently, and that's why him and his wife are breaking up. She went in there and said she sucked a thousand black cocks. They told him, he went fucking bananas. He takes it in the ass. You know, they both had,

both of them have allegations. The chick, I remember Eddie Griffin. She's a lesbian. Right. She's a lesbian. Eddie Griffin saying that they, she's dang out of the store. Yeah. And that she used to hang out the store selling credit cards or boosting cards or whatever the fuck it is. But once she got with Will Smith, she cut all that

communication on. Or something fucking crazy. She was a little bit of a hood rat. Something crazy. Yeah. And then but now like they're talking about, oh, we're in an open relationship. She's going to pull more than him. She's going to get more pussy and dick than he could ever get. Absolutely. She fucked

Jennifer Lopez's husband. That's how the whole thing started. He's a pink kid. He was walking around. I could get anybody. No. No. No. Not like her. Well, Will Smith's opposing. The world on the street was he was fucking the butler on the show. Okay. On him and the fall on that show.

No. The old guy? Get the fuck out of it. And that's why they canceled the show. I swear they get. Listen, let me tell you something. When I first came to this town, I got sat down. I got sat down by two black people who read me the riot act on my beliefs.

The problem with the difference between the white community and the black community will give you up. The black community, listen, the black community has known for 30 years of Eddie Murphy's gay. Now, this conversation we're having. Yeah. does not change how I feel about any Murphy or anything. I'm just telling you that hearsay I've had. I know two police officers that have said that that second time they caught him

with the transvestite in the car, that was the second time he got caught. The one time it got publicized, and he didn't go down there anymore. You know, I hear these stories about him going back in Long Island before Santa Live that he has allegations of being gay. Again, it does not affect how I feel about him

and his comedy. I don't care whether you're gay, you're not gay. It's the guys that now, Let me tell you something that I noticed. If you told me 18 years ago that Eddie Murphy was gay, I'd punch in the face. Once I saw him at the store. You knew.

I knew. Me too. Didn't mean anything to me. Again, it doesn't mean a thing to me. And then I had a friend at the Best Damn Sports Show, and she was blacker than black. And she liked me. We used to talk all the time.

And one day I asked it. And she just opened the valve up and told her because she was older. She was, you know, 58, and she was like a wardrobe check, and she was in that click with Quincy Jones and, you know, and also she opened a vow and just told me about you didn't know about Eddie Murphy. Oh, my God. And then, Banks. Who? What's the crazy black guy? He used to hang out at the store with the drink, jiggling it all the time.

He said he was Richard Price Managing. David Banks got rest of the soul. David fucking Banks! That's my boy right there. He just passed away. That's right. That's my man. Okay, so David Banks is up there one night.

He used to talk shit, Lee Syatt. Now, what was his... Eleanor was fucking everybody. Mitch is fucking everybody. He told me... Was he really Richard Price manager? No, he wasn't his manager. He was a writer-producer. And he worked for everybody.

You could Google him. You could watch him at the roast. I believe it was a Paul Mooney roast back... Oh, no, it was a prior roast back in the day. day and Paul Mooney and David Banks and David Banks rips everybody including Mooney which he always picked on Mooney. He told me. He picked on

Mooney so much. Oh my God. He told me one day out of the store that Paul Mooney sucked Richard the dick in the in the green room in the main room. He goes that he would say everybody. Mitsue is fucking everybody and then he goes even Paul Mooney he had his

brazier on and he cried the whole time. And Paul Mooney a motherfucker and he'd stay right in front of them and they'd fight and they were so funny together guys i wish you could see this this is real black america no you can google it it's fucking awesome i'm up there one night i don't know nothing about nothing i'm a fucking dummy comic just sitting from waiting for my midnight spot i go at nine that's all i had was the commies guys when i tell you that's all i was like richard prying the gentleman that's all i if the comedy He stole the doors open at nine.

I was there in 10. 9.30, waiting for a fallout. You never, yeah. Look at him. Look at how young? Oh, my God. You know what I'm really young? Put it on.

David Banks. You know, most people know Richard as a comedian and an actor and so forth, and that ain't even how he started. He started as an athlete. It's pretty fast. He was an athlete. He wasn't a athlete. He wasn't an athlete. He wasn't a boxer.

But he used to get out on baseball and do it his usual style. How he used to see how he could rap. I remember I was with it, man. Out of Dodgers, when they had the annual trial for the spring training, and all the ballplayers came out on the field. They had those long socks, the spikes. Richard fell out on the field trying out for the team. He had on some hip-huggers.

San Remo boots. Big Apple hat, cocked, Ace Duce. The man came out on the field. He said, what do you want out here? He said, I came out to the ball yard, baby, to try out for the team. He said, what position can you play? He said, I can handle them all. He said, you mean you can play opposition in baseball?

He said, yeah, I don't already told you, man, what you keep asking before. Some man said, well, I'm going to ask him two or three questions and I'll shoot him on to the exit game. So you say, you can play opposition in baseball, right? He said, tell me, can you play third base? He said, I'd turn a hot corner of cool. Can you play shortstop?

He said, I pick it like pepper, you know pepper's hot. He said, can you play second base? He said, in and out the hole all day can drink, don't miss. He said, can you play first base? He said, when I'm on the sack, you can't throw back. He said, can you play center field? He said, I covered like the morning do. You know that's all over.

He said, can you catch? He said, in the crouched, throw BBs at second base, waist high, don't miss. He said, can you run? He said, a roadrunner come second. He said, can you bat? He said, inside my pitch down the middle all day, outside over the fence, Ken pole. He said, can you pitch? He said, can you pitch?

He said, can you pitch? He said, what's your name, man? What's your name, man? He said, sweet chocolate brown is my name. Shined up with doodryffin. Go and live. Man, say, you're too tough, man. He said, tell you what, you get on out in left field.

He said, what? He said, you get out on the left field. He said, which way is that, man? Now, who's the white dude clapping? I don't know. That's crazy. But he did roast everybody on the panel, too. Well, he always used to be drinking.

David. Yeah. He always had that little drink, and he'd shake his hand. And I always tell this story. I'm out there, and he comes up to me, and it's, I'm out. Eddie Murphy, Paul Mooney, Arsenio Hall, and the singer from the black good-looking singer from the new edition.

Bobby Brown? No. That's the wrong group. The other one. Yeah, I know. I could see his face. Ralph Transva. No.

I'm on the wrong name. He used to come up there with Eddie Murphy. Yes. And they're standing by the comedy store sign outside, talking. It's a slow night. Wednesday night. 30 people in the original room. I'm standing there talking to

somebody, David Banks walks out to, what's up, play, or nothing? He looks up, he sees those four black guys standing. He's like, watch this. And he walks on and goes, what are you niggas gonna do? The Queens of Comedy Tour. Right to their faces, and they just walked away.

Right to their fucking faces, like nothing ever happened. He would. He would rip people and shreds. He would rip all those black guys apart. I remember him torture Mooney. They were afraid. of him because he would just talk shit like he didn't stop. I did not know. I always thought he

and then I had a Richard Pryor book at the house and he's in the book sitting next to Richard at the comedy store. Yeah, they part he's in a lot. He's in Mooney's book a lot. He's in Richard's book, David. I mean they make reference to him. But he was around. He did everything for him. He was funny man. I miss Paul Mooney at that store. Me too. I haven't seen Mooney at a long. I sit in the back there. I've been having a great fucking time at the store.

Dude, you killed the other night. Oh, Saturday, now that I was dying. And last night I ate a big fucking dick. Oh, I ate a dick Saturday. You know who killed me last night? Ali Wong was killing me last night. She is as filthy. Is she really?

I haven't seen her in a long time. Oh, my God. Talking about getting pregnant and how she used to just give him a hand job. And then when he comes, she'd sit on him and wiggle like a, like, Miley Cyrus. And then she'd have to flip off backwards and make sure to come, dripped into a pussy. So she's standing on her head to get it. Oh, my God.

She was saying some wild shit that, you know, the reason why she decided to get pregnant wasn't because she was old. It wasn't because I was getting old. It was because she pregnant? I wasn't getting as wet as I was when I was 20. My pussy was drying up. She goes, and I was 20, I feel my pussy at work. And if I took my fingers out and threw up the peace sign,

there'd be a string in between them. I mean, she was saying, and I went up there and fucking tried to follow her and just died. I would get them and lose them, get them and lose them. And it was just, it was okay. It was salami was there. Salami came down. It was okay. It was just the comedy store.

The comedy store. That's how the comedy store is. That's just the way the OR is. I ate it in the main room late night Saturday. ate it. I was all over the place. It was fun though. Saturday night.

Saturday late show, I don't know what the fuck. Everybody killed. It was a great show. Everybody killed. Bill Burr, I was telling me today. It was something that Bill Burr is getting funnier and funnier. because his writing is getting so insightful. He was talking about his wife not having sex with him.

Oh, that was the best. And now he feels like a relief pitcher. Just shit that you wouldn't even think of. And it's so entertaining. For a guy like me to go up there, Neil Brennan was killing me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brett Ernst was killing me. I love to go watch comedy and fucking laugh from my heart.

Yeah. I really want to laugh. When I go up there, I really want to fucking laugh. That's why I miss Andrew. I miss Andrew. Andrew in more ways than one up there because Andrew, a lot of people avoided Andrew because he's real. Yeah. And I like that about Andrew.

I learned a lot from Andrew. Oh, my God. No only did Andrew inspire me to get on stage watching him. Andrew taught me how to act. Yeah? With one short conversation, do the audition backwards. Oh. You know, who says that type of shit to you?

Andrew, because he has balls of steel, Andrew. Yeah. He told me that when he booked the show on NBC, he made sure the guy kept the camera rolling. And it was the shit he was doing in between that got me the job. He asked Michael Mann. So tell the fucking idiot to keep the camera moving and fuck around. Let the guy know your personality. You're not there.

I'm not to forget the speech he had with me. Yeah, that was crime story? Way back. Yeah. He was going to rascals, and it was too late. He was already fucking sold out. And they called him that Friday, like that Thursday. like that Thursday night.

Dice, having an education, talking to Dice is four years. Like, I mooched on to Andrew, and I didn't have to ask him. He knew what I wanted to hear. Yeah. After every set, when he'd seen me in doubt, you know, Andrew had been there.

There's something different about a fucking jerk-off. Yeah. And there's somebody different about somebody who's paid their dues. You know when somebody's paying their dues. Yeah. I know when somebody's faking the funk now. It's just very simple.

So many. To sell you when somebody's fan, they'll calling you and telling you how, oh, my God, and you know it. You know it, because I know what it's like. I know what it's like to do four sets. I know what it's like to do four sets and bomb at three of them. Yeah. And I know how you're supposed to act and feel. You know, that last bailout is the store.

But fucking, you got to follow somebody with death. Jesus Christ, I'm going to get four beatings tonight. Yeah. You know, and then you bump it, you know, I was telling me, 10 years ago, like, as a 2006, I was one of those guys that got 20 phone calls a day of people telling me, like, talk, I'm doing this, I'm doing that, what the

fuck is going on? And you're like, listen, you know, and I would ask some simple questions. Where were you last night? Well, I stayed in last night because me and my friend are writing the script. Well, listen, that script suck my dick, you and your fucking script. You could write the script after you go to the coffee shop and sign up

to do a set. That's right. That's why your comedy's slipping, you know? I went out last night to the store to die. you know because I'm taping a DVD in Vegas so I want to be sharp too I can't do every fucking night but if I do every other night and right in between

at least I can bring something up to the stage and I can be prep Friday I go to the ice house and then next week I got three or four more shows before I have to tape on Friday night so I'll be fucking ready you know what I'm saying like yep this is what you do you know I lived here long enough where to get good at comedy

and Lee we've been talking about this for three weeks you have to fall in love with shit Oh, yeah. Like, you really have to be good at anything. Whether it's parachute jumping, you got to do it as much as you fucking can, you know? As much as you can. Last night I had a show and they canceled it, and I had been doing so many sets this week and bombing at most of them that I literally was like, thank God, because I don't think I could take another bomb.

I can't take another bombing. I can't take another bomb. And me and my boyfriend, we made tacos and we just chilled out. We were just like, screw it. And then he washed my windows this morning. You don't get any better than that. Yeah. That's not a metaphor. That's a real thing. You're touring a lot?

Yeah, I'm going out a lot. I mean, not touring someone. I mean, just doing spots. Like, when I'm in L.A., I do as many spots. So you do the second spot before Andrew? I do, yeah, wheels does 10, and then I do 30. It's 20 to 30. It depends on how Andrew feels. Andrew's really taking good carry. He's unbelievable. It's been like a four-year degree. You can't fucking believe it. It's the best schooling ever. And his crowd is not. accepting of oh who's this girl you know like they're like you know and they always try to talk at you when you come out like who the fuck does she think she is you got to win him over you got like only a few seconds to do it and it's been he's like just get out there just punch him

in the face just keep punching them just keep hitting them and that's what I do and it's great and it's weird like when I go in front of a regular clown I'm like how come they haven't thrown anything at me yet you know you have to transition so it's like learning so much I did that dirty at 1230. That crowd was so polite, but they were terrific. It's crazy how polite they are. They don't laugh at real dirty stuff. They don't laugh at real dirty stuff.

They freeze up a little bit on you. Yeah, they like the racism, I got to be honest. Because there was like a patch of black people over here. The Mexicans were over here. The white people were in the front. I was like, well, this is a segregate. It's like Philadelphia. I feel like I'm home.

And they just went crazy. They love, like, stupid shit like that, you know? He's putting a nice thing together at the site. Yeah, it was Asians. I mean, it was awesome. He's killing it. He's killing it. I love that guy that runs a Mike.

Yeah, he's great. I like when people put labor into comedy. Yep. And it comes back. So many people give up after three weeks. So many people that have no vision give up. Like, they get a comedy room and nobody came. Well, that seventh week.

Just that seventh week could have been the week. Yeah. chick with a big mouth comes in has a good time. Somebody fucks her in the hallway and she goes and tells everybody how cool that place is because it's all about for it to be cool to go down and have a good time

and giggle and have a scene. Somebody sells ecstasy. Somebody wears a Sinatra hat right? Somebody's got to have a hat on the goatee and suspenders to be oh my God. Oh my God. You look such a great. Yeah. And a picture of fucking, you know, a picture with Hitler on a horse with a gun in his hand

something obscure. With his drawings and his What about Ari? You guys are going to film here the second season now. Yes. Ari what? His show. Oh, what's happening now? Oh, great.

Oh, wait, what is it called? This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening. And that started off as this free show. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was just something fun he was doing at the store or wherever. He would do it everywhere.

The improv in the back. That's right. I did it at the improv twice. On the back. With Mark Maron, I did it the first time. Eric? Is that right? Eric.

Eric. Eric. In the back for no money, no booze. Yep. And then when they moved it to the big room. Yeah. Then they shot it for the internet. Then they shot it from Comedy Central.

It's been an amazing run. It really has. Yeah. I got to do it with Greg Fitzsimmons. That was great. Christmas stories, because he's so sick Irish. I love him. I love him.

Do you like Fitzsend? I was just on his podcast last one. He's outstanding. And he has crazy stories about like silly things growing up Irish. I don't know if other people are allowed to. Like, you know, your aunts and uncles were allowed to hit us. Do you know what I mean?

And so he talks about this beating that one of his cousins got from not their parents, somebody else's parents. And everybody was fine with it. And he just had to sit in the room with the coats bleeding. How much has time changed in 30 years that there was a time when a neighbor could kick you in the ass? God damn right. And now your parents aren't even allowed to touch you. Nothing.

Yep. It's the craziest. I say I blame the Internet, social media. Yeah. Because if you hit a kid today, they'll take a picture and put it right on Instagram. Daddy hit me, you know? And then they get 50 likes and dad goes to jail. I don't get it. We couldn't do that.

But do they not listen to the parents' side if they do call the kids and the kids call the cops. Do they not listen to the parents? No. First of all, I'm the kid's parent. You should not even be here. Exactly. Let me tell you what happened. Yeah.

I was sitting at the table and he disrespected me. I drew a glass of milk in his fucking face. I set him to his fucking room. What's wrong with that? I'm not hearing anything weird at this point. Except for milk, we probably wouldn't have milk at dinner. But you know what I am? Are you throwing the glass too or just the milk?

No, no, just throwing them, you know, whatever. I mean, when you raise a child, there's a way to raise a child. I'm not saying beat them with a fucking stick. I only got hit a couple times. Like, I got spanked a few times, but like the threat of it. When they spank it, they put you over the knee? No, I don't even think it was over the knee. But then after the first time, right, and your parents threatened with that,

you were scared and you stayed in line, correct? Yeah. Oh yeah, my mom was super strict. Yes. It's weird seeing kids who are like, like, that's one thing I never bought about the Sopranos, the way that his kids acted. I don't think that would have happened. No, but he did. He went with her. He went on the spot. Don't do that. Let them, you know, let's be this way. Let's nurture him. And they change it. No hitting the kids, things like that. He wanted to. She wouldn't let him. Like, it never makes sense to me when a kid goes, like in a show, like a parent asks a kid to do something. The kid's like, oh, Dad, let's...

Like, I would... No. The thought of it now, and I haven't lived at home for over nine years, still makes me... Yeah. It would feel weird to do that. I'd lose my teeth. When you...

I mean, my mom would smack the shit out of it. I got my niece... I have a new roommate. My niece is living with me. 23 years old. I met her at the store last way. Please. She's telling me...

Because she grew up like that. You know, let's talk about our feelings. Spoiled. You know? I want to express my... Yeah, yeah. I live in a studio. I express yourself while you're sweeping me,

while you're scrubbing the fucking sink with a toothbrush. You don't clean up after herself. I don't know what happened to this goddamn kid. That is fucking shocking. That I never thought my mom lifting a hand to me growing up was abuse at all. Yeah. I could tell you that I deserved everything I got from her. Me too.

I was never hit wrongfully. When my stepfather came into the picture, he switched it up. When Warren got out of jail, married my mom and moved in with us. She wasn't hitting me. He was getting notebooks and making me just sit there and write. Like if there was a problem at the house,

that's it. No, just sit there and write. Write what? Lines. I will not lie to my mother. I will not lie to my mother. I will not lie to my mother. It's like school. One time I had to write them in the front in English

and the back in Spanish. You know Uncle Lonella and me, my mom. That means I won't fucking. argue with it. And I would sit there. And if I did something really bad, he would take the chair away and I'd have to kneel on two beans. Okay?

That sounds better. But he didn't believe so. But this is three or four days of coming home from school at three and right until 10 o'clock. You eat dinner, you shower, but the whole other time, you're just writing, bitch. I don't have kids. But, like, I could see, like, a little tap on the head or maybe like a spank. But when it goes past that, I think, I mean, I don't know, but I see how bad the kid is.

I see how sweet you are you are with Mercy. Yeah, but she's also going to be 13 one day. And there has to be somebody who's firm and there has to be somebody who could talk to her. Yeah, but what the has to be aligned? Listen, my mom would blad. This was the, this was the M.O. in my house. I did something. My mom would have a thousand things on mine, fucking come over and blast me and yell at me and ask me why I did it.

and then anybody who came by my mom would explain to him fuck him this is what this motherfucker did to me how fucking kill you you ever do something like that again and somebody would go to Nora for the love of Christ and she'd say fuck that motherfucker let him cry and I'd usually be holding a towel with blood from my lip my mom didn't fuck around Jack but I got it she didn't want it she was raising a man yeah and she understood that at some AIDS this motherfucker is gonna test you

In her mind, she didn't even want to be tested. But that was not going to happen in her world. My mom knew the importance of her having a presence over me. You understand? And I'm telling you, she spoiled me, and there was things she did. But when it was time to get down, we got down. She fucking got down. Towards the end, I can tell that.

She wasn't doing me no favors. I would do shit, and then when my dad would call me on it, she would stick up for me. And I'd be proud because she stuck up for me. But years later, I'm not proud because she ruined her relationship with him to lie. She was like, she was like Pauli Galtier's mother. Oh, my God. You know, like, you know what I'm saying?

Where, you know, it's like your kid doesn't do nothing wrong. You know, I didn't want that. I don't want my wife to be like that with mercy. You can't. The kids fuck up, bro. Kids fuck up. You got to be honest. You got to call their attention.

And as a single mom, you've got to watch your boys like a fucking animal. And there's going to come a day when that boy's 14. He's going to be cute. And that day is not the day. You're going to push him or punish him or make him right. That's the day. You've got to steam row that motherfucker.

A busted head, break his computer, cuts, and that shit will never happen again. That's a beat and everybody remembers. But do you think it has to be the mom? Like, is it... A single mom, he's saying. Well, no. But even with him.

Because, I mean, everything guy. In my world, listen, my mom was not going to, my mom was, I don't think Juan ever raised his hand to me. I know Juan and I got into heated arguments. I know Juan was vitched to my mom, and then my mom would tell him to fuck off. My mom was always the aggress. I told the story where my mom was hit me and I put my hand up. And she fucking freaked and went and got a bounty roll and lit it on fly and said she's going to burn my hand. Because when you hit your mom or your hand's going to touch your hand.

hand pops out of the fucking casket. You have no idea, dog. You have no fucking idea. You know, she went and got a bounty roll. She went and got me at my friend's house and started yelling in Spanish. My mom was no joke. There was jokes at my house, but there was the line

when, no. And this whole beef was about making a bed. Like you're making a bed. And I'm like, I'm not making a fucking bed. Okay. Don't make the bed. Do what you need to do. I'm gonna... I dare you not to make the bed. That's it.

I'll give you $50. There you go. I'll hear you. And I went to the fucking pool party. And I could hear her at the pool. Oh, Son Antonio. And I could hear that getting louder and loud. I'm in the pool with 18 people who don't know what Spanish is.

Because of my spark. That's weird. Yeah, I swear to God. I'm like, and all of a sudden she came to the fence. And she started hitting it with a stick, you know, the stick from a broom. She started hitting the fence and they're like, who is that lady? I'm like, I have no fucking idea. You're hiding.

And she can. hear me going, no idea, ta'allia. Nah, that's got to go, I, pupta. And I went out the back, and she saw me. And I never forget, that was one of the last good beatings she gave me, because she chased me all the way home with the stick. I love her. And she was yelling and screaming in Spanish, and then she crossed the street, and finally I out ran her.

And I got home, and then she came home, get down here, make that fucking bed. And then we got into the sudden, and she went to smack me, and I blocked. Oh. Now, you know, after a while, your moms get so tired that they, They just want to hit you from making them tired. You know what I'm saying? Like, ah, you're motherfucker. And that's when she put the fucking paper towel.

And the paper, she's hit me with the paper towel on five, and chunks are falling on the carpeting. Yeah, I'm like, whoa. And now she's hitting me and stepping on the carpeting at the same time. It was a tremendous fucking scene. Until this day I'm telling you that I understood, because someday Mercy's going to say something like that to me. And I got to make a point.

Yeah. I got to make a point. Maybe leave the bounty out of it, Yeah, I ain't fucking around here. Exactly. You know, I ain't fucking around here. Yeah. And that's what she, you know, there was just something about her demeanor.

You know, you said something that really bothers me because it bothers me because it's true. What? The worst thing I did when I was a child was the shit with no time to come in. Oh. My mother raised me with no curfew. That's not good. That's not good. That is crazy.

Yeah, we had curfew. That's not good. That's not good. And when you hear it from other people, it sounds so bad. When you hear white people going, yeah, his parents used to let him stay out all night when he was a kid. No. You're like, what are you fucking crazy? Let me, because my mom was a single mom with 10 kids, and she would go to sleep and then we would sneak out.

We would come in at the appropriate time, like whatever time she said, and then when she would go to sleep, she was a heavy sleeper. We would just jet. I don't know if this was the reason because it was like this my entire life, but my front door had a bell. on it. Like the door into the garage. Yeah, that's terrible. But we did have another door, which we could use. I never did that.

I don't know. Go out the basement window. I don't think when I got a car, I don't think I had a curfew. No, I did, because when you were 16, you couldn't be out past midnight driving. So it's kind of enforced. I could say things at this table right now. The normal things

that I could say, but if I think of mercy doing them, I want to cry. No, yeah. I get that. And there are simple things I did as a, you know, that is to walk from 48th Street to 29th Street at 1230 at night after a movie Especially back then

Especially in the 70s with another person New York was a different place No, this was North Berger. This was Union City New Jersey. Oh wow. Which is still, it's the mouth to New York City Hoboken Union City. She had the bar on 29th Street. She let me walk up Bergen line, which is sunset.

So she pretty much let me go from Duke's restaurant to maybe Highland. It was one way. It was called Bergen-Line Avenue. I mean, we did that, though. Today, like, you're being sensitive.

You're like, I would never let my daughter do that. I can't see it. And like my brother Bobby, his son is 14. They moved to the suburbs. It's all white kids, right? Brandon loves basketball. God love him. He plays.

He's like, these kids stink. So we're going to South Philly. So he figured out, he didn't ask his father, who grew up in South Philly could take him to any, ballpark and right across the street from my mother's house you can play everybody projects are on the other side of the playground so you can play whomever you want you know we all kind of hang out in the playground and play he didn't say nothing he got on a bus and went from the suburbs down into the city not my mom's neighborhood somebody another neighborhood like you can't do that you can't you know

he could have got beat up bad he could have got robbed could have got killed whatever crazy shit happens at that you know right where pat's and ginos are he went there and played in that playground, those kids. Now, how far does he live from there? It's about a 20-minute car ride. So they took the bus. How old is it? 14. I did it all the time. We did it. But for some

reason, me and Bobby got, and Bobby, he got sensitive. He punished him. He was like, I don't want you doing that. Go ahead, brother. I'm sorry. Now, it's hard to imagine, but if you had a boy, would it be different? He is a boy. No, I'm saying. Oh, no. No, no. You don't think so? I want him

to push the envelope a little bit. Listen, you want your child to push the envelope a little bit. Yeah. The only way to lift 500 pounds is to lift 500 pounds and see where you're at. And go, you know what I'll try it again next week? I'll try to get next week. It's scary. At six, at five and six, I was already crossing the street to go to whatever supermarket,

boost and boost bounds. What the fuck it was, the Jew supermarket when I was a kid. It was on 88th Street and Broadway. She begged me not to cross Broadway. beg me come on I'm crossing nothing I cross everywhere I went everywhere you know I love hot dogs listen listen if there's a hot dog on the other side of the boulevard

you don't understand the worst thing about being on a diet yeah you can still eat two hot dogs and two buns and that's it and put a little sour cry but when you're a fat fuck and you go down there you don't even tell you're friends you could devour eight of those and even if you know that But there's another guy that has the same hot dog. You eat eight on the street? I can eat one after another.

To my daughter's eyes, I could eat seven fucking sabrets. That's just a starrykaw. If I smoke dope, you go to a sabret store that's got good sourcrow, good onions, and I'll mix and match. I'll open up with two mustard and sourcrow. If they're good right there, throw me, throw me two more with chili. What is opening up? Like the opening stomach. Let's see what we got.

Let's see what we got. A skin pop. Let's see what we got. I might get five of them and one of them is bad. Now I'm stuck with four fucking bad hot dogs. Right? Because I'm going to point out this is the street. This isn't like a place with the table.

You're just like, No, why do you buy a hot dog? It's a cart. Anybody can make an Oscar my hot dogs at the house. When you invest in someone, when you look something in the eye and go, how are the hot dogs today?

And he goes, they're fucking off the chain. I just put them in there nice and brets. See? Let's open up with two with sourcrout, a little bit of mustard brown, please. With extra bacteria. Let me get a coconut. Let me get a coconut can.

Bam. You open up with two. and after you wipe your fingers with that hot dog still in your mouth as you chew it, you go, let me get two more with onions, right? Let's see how the onions are. Let's see what happened there. Once you inhale those two

I'm starving. Once those two onion ones come out of you, those red New York onions, it's over. Then you tell them, let me get another can of the Coke, and then they get two more. This one, give me one chili, give me one chili with raw onions, and give me one with raw onions and mustard.

So now you had the whole spectrum. No chips in there? No chips. Chips are for amateurs. When that Chinese kid eats 200 hot dogs, you see him eating chips? Oh my God. Fuck no, he eats hot dogs.

There's no chips. That's for amateur. Is that today? Yeah, Labor Day, right? Dan, right there you're lurking. You've already had six of them. You know, your mom is making meatloaf and mashed potatoes as to what you like it. You're going to have to smoke another joint, but you say, fuck it.

I'm not coming up to this name before a wild dog. Uno Mossport for Lord. What do you want on that one? Fuck it. It's your choice. throw the dice at me and shit. I can inhale 7th Street hot dogs in New York

when I was running in New York and now too I got no shame to tell somebody Anyway the fucking point of the story and two when I walk away All right good for you Two when I walk away The point of the story is when I was a kid And I first came from Cuba

I thought that hot dogs Would make you a better American Wow They lied to you over there don't they No I just thought This was an assumption that I made I thought that if you ate pizza hamburgers and hot dogs.

It was the quickest way to become an American. Don't let me tell you what happened when I discovered spam. My dad used to make me spam and eggs on a hot plate. When I discovered spam as a kid, white people at some of these house, I was like, oh, this is a Mason American. He wouldn't make it at my mother's house. She'd kick him out. I went to a friend's house and he made spam, sliced thin, fried with sourcrout.

Not with sourcrow, with spinach, with diced little onions and garlic. Oh, that's fancy. Oh, my God, fucking spam with spinach when I was a kid. I thought I was going to be Popeye. Because who the fuck eat spinach by that? Like, Popeye, you got to be a jerk off to eat a can of spinach. But with spam, fuck it, I'm in. Kill it.

Oh, my God. Anyway, the point being, oh, shit. It's Monday. The 7th. It's a holiday today in Cuba. I want to be around to pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks. I have some good fucking refo.

Yes, it was. Somebody twice as smart as I... Anyway, the thing why I'm disturbed at this whole hot dog story is because my daughter loves hot dogs. And I got to switch them up on it with the turkey ones,

which I fucking hate, but my wife says it's better. What hot dog story? I don't fucking know, but I give Oscar Maya the Angus beef ones, right? I chop them up nice. She likes those. And I make it a mac and cheese straight.

up. But she loves fucking Matt. Now she loves hot dogs because it's hereditary. She doesn't even know about America, whatever the fucking stands for. Right. But she likes fucking hot dogs. So when I was a kid, I took a fucking beating for hot dogs.

That's how much I like hot dogs. And it was like a six block walk. I was five years old. This is what petrifies me about mercy. These are the things that keep me up at night. Okay. This, this fuck eating hummus. These are the things that I can't sleep at night.

You understand me? If she eats hummus, I guess you. Not that she eats hummus, that at the age of six, how old are you when you're in kindergarten? What's a national? That's six or seven, right? Five or six. If you were kindergarten and you're seven, you're a dumb fuck, right?

That means you can't even put blocks together. It means you got everything. Four or five. When I was five, I went to school of Pierce 166, off of Amsterdam and the street after that. But if you went three more streets, there was Central Park. Yeah. It was like, fucking ten blocks over.

I'm five years old, guys. I'm a house, a block away from 205 West 88. This is 89th Street in the middle. And up the block and a half, there was a hot dog guy. So I would go get hot dogs. I was five. And my mom would give me like five bucks. And I'd go eat hot dogs.

And she'd tell me, how many fucking hot dogs are you going to eat in a fucking day? And one day the school closed, shut it down on me. You can't leave the premises. I was five walking off the reservation. Where'd you get the money? My mom. Oh, wow. I was fucking five walking off the reservation.

Like school lunch, that's beneath me. Do you have a candy cigarette behind her ear? No. Do you think that Mercy could walk off the premises? No, not now. They won't let it do it now. No, they won't do that now. Now it's all protected.

This is what I'm fucking saying. This is my point, guys. Why would you worry about it? Because now it's like... Oh, my God. She wants to. Every time I see her, she's... Five or six.

Of course she wants to. We always want to. Listen, five or six, you should not be walking the streets of New York City for a fucking hot dog as a kid. And in those days, no other kids had five hours. Nobody gave a shit. No, nobody other kid. Like, I would fucking go to the bar. And I would bartend. When I was five, I would go to the bar and put ice in the thing.

I would put the beers. the beers and I would clean the bathroom and she'd throw a 20 on me a 20 in 1968 it's kill it's fucking bucks that's yeah so I would break half of it go to the store I remember the big thing in those days I used to fuck the guy up at the store I used to give him a toy or no a $5 bill and he used to give me 25 quarters why what does any even think is that now how many quarters in a $5 bill not that 20 wait 20 Okay, but why would he give you five extra?

I don't know. One time I went and then he gave me 25 quarters and it was like, I didn't tell nobody. I go, I found the way they'd make money. I'm going to every day, give me $5 and fuck him up, tell him I won quarters. That's hysterical. He was like a Puerto Rican to do something. He was every day giving me like an extra two quarters, 50 cents. I would fucking roll up.

You've been doing this since you were five? Yes. Dog, this is in my blood. Well, I would, there was like, remember you guys call it Italian ice in New York. We call it water ice. And we used to have truck come around. This guy, Don Julio. He ran the truck.

I don't know. know who he was, I don't know what kind of creep, but he was funny. That's all I remember. And I would steal money out of my mom's purse. And it wasn't easy either. And I did. And whatever she got. Like five bucks, whatever it was.

But it was terrible. That was her bill money. Yeah, it was her bill money. And she used to get mad at me. So I remember I go to Don's, right? His truck, it was right at the playground, right across the tree, get water ice, a big pretzel, South Philly pretzel with all the mustard on it. It was amazing.

And then I give him the money. He goes, did you steal this out of your mommy's pocketbook? I go, how does this motherfucker know? He knew it because he knew we were orphans. We didn't have any money. He was like, how does this kid get money? And every time he would say up until I was in my 20s because this fucker was always around the playground,

he would say, did you steal that out of your mom's pocket? And I go, no, I earned this one. Like, I finally admitted it to him later on. In fact, the funny thing was that the thing I'm telling you guys I had kneeled down with the peas under my knees. Oh, yeah. That was because my mom would put a purse in the living room and she would come home from the take from the numbers.

Okay. And she'd come home from the take from the bar. Wow. Okay, and she'd leave it in the kitchen table. No way. So I would wake up in the mornings before her when she was still fucking knocked down and go, Mom, Mom, let me get a dollar.

And she'd look around and go, go get it out of my purse. I'm looking out. I started taking a dollar. A dollar, and I started taking $2, $2,000. And when I took a $5, I took something, like a $20. And she caught it. And she caught it. And she caught it.

And she, in my mother's world, she didn't understand that because all I had to do was ask her. I was disrespectful. She even said to me, like, she was crying. I'll never forget this conversation. My mom, too. My mom said, like, are you fucking crazy? If you come to the bar and she goes, why would I give you $20 to stock beer? Are you fucking retarded?

But if you come to the bar and stock the beer and you need 20, I give you 20. If you need money for something, I'll give it to you and you can work it off 20 a shot. That's how cool she was. She goes, I can't even look at you. It was so disrespectful. It was in her world, she was shattered. So she didn't know what to do. So Juan made me right.

And it wasn't, they didn't make me right to stealing. It was the lie. She goes, then when I asked you, that's what really took it over the fucking top. If you would have said, yeah, I took the 20, I would have been a little man. Just a little man. But the lie to me. So I had to write 10 fucking pages. And then people would come over and they go, what's up, Coco, when I'd be there writing.

And then my mom, then they would say to my mom, what's up with him? And my mom would say, he's a piece of shit. Yeah. He's a fucking malparido. He's a piece of shit. He robbed 10 bucks. He didn't tell me. So now you're going to sit there with embarrassment.

The people would look at you. But I always have, like, my godfather. Oh, my godmother. Or like a crazy friend, Dati, that would come over. And then they would talk. And then he'd go, what's wrong with Coco? And then he'd fucking go off. Like, this guy would go, oh, Santonia, what the fuck are you thinking?

You need 20. You come to me. And then he'd go, De Niro, can I talk to him for a second? And he'd take me in the other room. And he'd tell me, what the fuck are you thinking? If your father was alive, he'd be ashamed. And I'd start crying. And he goes, listen, this is what we're going to do.

We're going to go out there and talk to your mother. Tell him that you're never going to steal again. Let's go out there like a man. Put a shirt on with a tie. This d'ati dude would make me dress up. Why? And we'd have to go off him. He'd go, D'Nora, come in here.

Jose, who wants to talk to you? And this guy would say, tell him what we told me in the room, and I would have to repeat it. I'll never fucking steal from you again, and I'll never lie. Look at her in the face and tell her like a man, you ain't no fucking cunt. Like, I was like five or six, and this guy would be coaching me through this shit. And I would have to give my mom a hug, and then I wouldn't have to write for a few weeks. Wow. But that's how it was.

It took, like, four or five days of me writing. and then one of her crazy friends I like the writing part The writing part is treacher taught me how to write Spanish There you Today I know how to read and write Spanish From those fucking punishments

But maybe that's a punishment You can do to your daughter Instead of the hands Because I hate the whole We use our words kind of shit I hate that I like the emotional hook And I get emotional

So I know I could fuck them up with emotion Yeah my mom cries I die It's dead Once people look at you in the eye and go This is what you did When you did this You fucking

crack. It cracks you inside. You can't. You can't deal with that shit at all. It's too much for me. But you're right about like a single mom with the raisin men. She had six boys. So, I mean, she had to hit him. What's the person they tell you when you go to jail, Lee? What, fucking... I'm not sure. That's weird. What did the dude say when he, in the Sopranos, when he got out of the jail that were eating lunch? And he goes, I went and I picked the biggest blackest motherfucker. And I started to fight with him. So it's the same thing. When you have sons, you have to one night lose your mind, break toys, stitches, stitch one of them up, bang the other one, elbow, the other one. You got to be like Clinice wouldn't hang them high. You got to fuck three out of six of them up to show them that, listen, don't ever fucking get confused. And we've all done it.

Every person who's listened to a podcast has challenged either or your parents at one time. That's right. At one time you did something that you thought you fucking got the world to owe you something. and you were going to walk in your house and demand shit. And your dad looked you in the face and fucking read you the right act. And you started with your little whippering. Someday I'm going to kick your aunt. Listen, if you could have done it, you would have done it three years ago.

I'll break your fucking life in three fucking pieces. I'll never forget my brother. He was stupid messing around, doing bad shit, whatever. And he was like 16. 16. Yeah, 16. He came in my mom's house. My mom's single mom.

My dad's crazy. but he lives like a couple blocks away. She came in the house, he started talking shit to her, and she stood up, and she punched him right dead in the face, and he had a bloody nose, and I was like, yes. And then I was like, I can't believe you gave Billy a bloody nose, and he's that big, you know, he's a big kid. And she goes, it wasn't from me.

It was from the coke he was doing. I was like, oh, my God, how does she know? But they know everything, and she was like, you're not coming in here talking shit. I'll knock you out. And she did. She gave him a bloody nose right in his face I'm so happy

I know how to raise a child till 10 or 11 What comes later is why I lose it Because I have to treat him the way I was raised Which was lumps and bumps And all I could do is tell you So when you come back to me and go what I told you to do it this way The most important thing in his life is ears

Yeah Until you get those ears And until you believe and trust And the guys are ahead of you You know It's like when you first got into comedy or something, there was always that one guy that gave you a shortcut. Well, look where that one guy is today.

There's no shortcuts. There's no shortcuts. There's no shortcuts in any occupation whether you want to be an attorney, we'll do it this way. I only read the line of the, okay. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to go back. Then that's my attorney. Or pay me fucking later.

Yeah. Yeah, right? What's the pot episode of my house going to be? By then, it'll be legal. It doesn't matter. What's the alcohol level in my house going to be? What's the question's going to be? What are the questions going to be?

Do you answer them that? Yeah, one time I went out of Lee and we snorted two eight balls and we got the Chinese chick to suck my dick. You know, your daughter sees that shit. Is that a story you tell? Maybe save that for later. Do you tell that story at their kinsiana? Well, here's the thing that.

Remember two things. You hearing and you seeing is two different things. Yeah. You know, two different fucking things. I saw my mom doing bumps, guys. But you also can't forget what you did growing. Like, you, okay, you saw your mom doing that. So you're the change.

You're not going to do that in front of your kid, right? Well, the whole, no, no, no. I don't do it now. But what I'm saying is even the reefer. Yeah. You know, even something as the reefer, you don't want to, you don't want to go there with your kids. It's like opening up a little door

and you're not going to be able to close it. So where are you going to smoke? By that time, listen, she already looks at me when I go outside. She's not fucking stupid. They know you're doing something. Daddy, that's different perfume. I know the look she looks at it. That's medicinal perfume.

I know the way she looks like she just, when I open the door, and she checks me out for a minute, and she goes back to what she's doing. That's the look I had when my mom would come and say, I got to go in the bathroom, or I got to do something. Same fucking look. Yeah. saw it at the house and I didn't like it at all. When I was eight or nine

and I knew my mom had done the bumps, oh my God, my blood pressure would go up as a child and I wasn't allowed to say something. No, well it was her roof. If I would have said something, I would have got my head busted, but I dealt to what I had to deal with and, no, that's a tough thing right there.

And having girls, you could just talk to them. Yeah. You could fucking talk to. Well, yeah, girls are a little bit easier to talk to. I think, I mean, it doesn't matter. Everybody's going to go out and try their own thing. But you've got to be willing to let them learn on their own mistakes. Like, I feel like a lot of men are like...

Oh, yeah, yeah. Go out with that miniskirt. You're going to learn once you get 10 guys to blow a train through you and shit. Two in the morning and an out burger. I mean experimental with like drugs and shit. Kids are going to do that. No matter what you can never prevent that. We all did it.

You know what I mean? We all went through our faces. And every parent thinks they're a genius and they do it right under your fucking nose. Because I've heard it today. Obviously, from 10 parents, a big boy growing. up with. Sure. They found out their kids are doing.

One friend of mine called me one day and he goes, because they're in denial. That's what it is. One friend of mine had a 19 year old daughter. And he called me one day and he's like, can I, you have a five minutes? I don't know. I can't show this to my wife. He found her diary.

Oh. And she was doing threesomes in high school. Oh. And he's like, right in my house. I'm upstairs sleeping. Downstairs at four in the morning doing fucking bills. They had prescriptions for the pain at the time.

Vicodins. There were kids eating Vicodins and having sex parties in his basement. He could not believe it. This is 20 years ago. Well, then that's the question. Like, if you're going to be lenient, how lenient are you going to be? Because then if you're too lenient, then people go crazy. Yeah.

There's got to be a happy medium. This is why I don't carry the full term. I'm sorry. I can't do it. It's too worrisome. God bless you for doing it. it. I can't. Listen, what do you think?

Me and her walk to a pharmacy and said, let's do this. No, nobody wants to have a kid when you're 50 and shit. God just throws a little fucking cup ball at you to make it interesting. That's a curveball. Yeah, it's a fucking curveball. That's a beautiful curveball. Beautiful. But if anybody has that in their life and they're a parent, how do you...

I don't know. When I was a kid, I go to parents' houses, and on the weekends, the parents would have parties and get fucking hammed. Those kids are fucked up today. Once your parent even knows Once a kid even knows you're getting hamming on the weekends And you're coming home and you're using that word hungover Yeah Oh I got a half a bag on

And your kid looks at you're like Well I'm gonna have a half a bag on some fucking day You know what I'm saying? I mean it just makes fucking sense So I don't even like booze in my house There's a thing of vodka Yeah There's a can of beer

In case you ever makes a rope and pour you The Cuban rice and chicken That vodka and that collua Has been in that freezer for two fucking years Yeah I don't drink I mean, I drink once in a blue moon, but I'm lucky. I didn't get hooked on that. I just know one thing.

I'm not a dummy, and I know that karma repeat. I'm no five beta cap. I'm no child psychologist, but I did some things that were gene passed on. Well, I just told Lee at five. Yes, Lee. Yes, Lee. Yes, Lee. Yes, Lee.

The what? I was already putting, you know, always trying to make money. I was always at that age putting $3 away, $4 dollars away for a paid day. I always was going to buy something big. And then, again, I got hooked on pacifiers. I had a pacifier until I was like six or seven.

I'm walking around like 800 in singles and quarters in my room. Dude, you would get killed. A pacifier? No, no, no. But I wouldn't walk around with a pacifier. This was my plan. I'd stash them in different strategic parts. I'd even have two or three at the park.

And when things got heavy, I called the timeout and I made believe I was looking for something and I sucked the pacifier I gave it two or three good sucks and put it right back under the rock and go mingle and I never got to bring. I don't even know how to handle this.

What happens if you're out walking making a deal and then you need a pacifier. What do you mean? Look if you're like out making it like out doing your shit like selling shit. At that time I wasn't making that. I was playing. I used to steal teachers' editions

of books and sell them to kids. That's hysterical. Can you fucking believe? At that age, I remember them calling my mother in and going, what's he's running a business? He's running a business. He's running a business, selling, and then I would take the toys

from the lunch, and I would lock them in, and everybody had to give me a dime, or I wouldn't give the toys back on the sandbox. I was treacherous, treacherous. Debbie Dominguez had like six guerrilla Puerto Rican brothers. For a quarter. For a quarter, she'd get a 45 single, lift the shirt up and put it over the titty,

and the nipple would pop out of the hole for a quarter in the first grade. This is what I was doing. Those are good people. You're having a show? No, no, just me and I'm under the fucking monkey bars. And then I bang my head on the monkey bars one day, and that was it. No more monkey. I loved the monkey bars.

I used to hang upside down on my knees. Flip around. Clap like a momo. Ew, like a momo. You're an idiot. How can you go on the monkey birds of all those dimes in your pockets? I was good at it. Oh, my God, I was fucking terrible guys.

And then I kept getting, I kept fighting in the neighborhood. my mom had, but the biggest thing I did to lift my mom was getting hit in the head with a lunch container. The lunch box, the thing, the thermos. In the old school, they used to have glass in the thermoses. Yeah, no, I never had any of those. One day I got hitting the head with a fucking

thermos in Central Park. I got five stitches in my head and had to run home like a little bitch bleeding and shit all over the place. And my mother had come from the city. Then there was a fight with a Haitian dude, Rudy, who the father held me and beat me up. What? That he brought me upstairs and my mom pulled the knife on him and chased

them up the stairs and they called the cops. But the lady next door was Cuban, so she said my mom didn't see a knife, so nobody went to jail. This was a rocking fuck. Some kid from the podcast just went and took pictures. Went all the way upstairs to 3A and took pictures to the building for me. Oh, for real? Yeah, somebody just recently

went. I get pictures sent all the time of Sacred Heart School for Boys. We got pictures sent a 205, West 88th Street. You talked about on Stasia going to Brigantine Castle. I don't know. Dude, I never had so much fun than when my dad took us to Brigantine Castle.

And my brothers did what you guys did, what your friends did or whatever. They were not my friends. Okay, they were just... They were kids from Passaic, like black. That's right. When you go there during Halloween season, they catered to people after six. But between three and six in those days, your school

would pay like a... For 20 tickets. This is... Yeah, we went one by my dad. Oh, you want with your dad. It was just my dad, and he loved to scare us. If we... If we went... our pants, he loved it. Like he loved to, he,

I don't go in the ocean because of him. He bit my toe under the water. I never went in. I never went back in. He says it was him. I don't believe it. I don't like it. I don't like it. So he took me to Brigantine Castle and I'm with my idiot, six brothers, right? And there was, remember the part where you

go through and it's like rats? You feel the tails on your ankle? Motherfucker. And they had the noise, teet, p, te, p, whatever. And I was like, God damn it! And I'm freaking. My dad's laughing. I'm like, this motherfucker, right? He hates us. We would climb him.

My little sister was on his back, Edy. And Bobby, my brother, he loved it. He just loved it. Took it all in. But Charlie and Johnny, they didn't like to be scared. And when that guy jumps out or somebody jumps out, and I think he had an axe. They beat the shit out of him.

We got in trouble and we got kicked out of that. I had never seen anything like that. I won't go to those things. You don't jump at somebody. Why do you guys go to those things? My dad did it because he hated us. I went one time and I saw them beat up Dracula. and I never went black.

Only black people would beat up fucking Dracula. Well, my brothers did too. I got to be honest. But the best thing about that beat was when they were dragging him. Yes. Come on, motherfucker. Fuck you, bitch. And he's like, ah, I don't know.

My guy was Dracula. He had Max. I don't know. It was great. And that shit I told on stage. He did. That was a funny story. We were in the city limits of North Bergen by 38th Street Park.

You signed your name. There was a hut in there. There was a hut inside 38th Street Park. It's still there. and Mr. Kettle worked that motherfucker and you'd sign your fucking name and then on Monday night July 8th a bus would come

and they'd give you a little bag with salami sandwiches and a milk and like a fucking apple. That's a story. And you got on the bus and you went to Yankee Stadium and they took the whole fucking park to Yankee Stadium. That park 28th Street Park like 20 people from each park that signed up first.

That's amazing. And you went with your parent and you went down there and it was like bat night and they made you sit all the way up on top This is what you need. 30 fucking kids from each park in North Bergen. With bats. With little fucking two feet bats. This is what you did as a township.

You took your kids to fucking, you know, the All-Star team where it made Biddy Basketball All-Star. What does it do with the scary park? We're just saying that they took you to places. So we were just trying to figure out. They took us there. The one time they took them to Brigantine Castle, wherever it was somewhere in one of those places.

And I get there, and there's 18 different little those yellow buses. Each one represented a different school. district. And this was like Versaic East Orrin, and these black kids weren't fucking around. And they were in front of us. And black people don't like to be scared. They were in front of us. At that age, I had already hung out with tons of black

people. But there was kids in that school that weren't apt to as many brothers as I was. I used to live up with 148 and whatever. But it was really funny. It was this one Christmas tournament that we played at that my friend, they had two brothers. Juan Rodriguez, but his They were both Juan Carlos Rodriguez.

Oh, okay. So one was Wong, and the other one was Carlos. Juan's hair went straight back, so Carlos wanted his head of state. Go to the straight back. One, Juan died in 1987, got rest of sober. Carlos, he just came to see me when I did in Miami Improv 3 or 4 years ago. And we're playing East Armands, the ghosts from East Armands. Now, because of the size of our high school students, we played all the black school.

Oh, wow. And Saucan, East Orange, Patterson, Eastside, Patterson, Kennedy, you look at North Bergen's schedule from the 80s. You're like, what the fuck, Bayonne? These are all had Jersey City. These are all fucking. And then in the district was Hoboken. At that time, Hoboken was no, nobody was drinking margaritas and Hoboken,

Belvedias, nagging out. You know, Hoboken was with Sinatra. Hoboken from 6th Street down was black people and everything else was Italian. Killer, yeah. The good old days. So I never forget at a Christmas tournament. We used to fucking bust Carlos'

and call him Eddie Munster because he has the peak and everything. And we play basketball and he go, Eddie, look at Eddie Mustard. Dog, don't know what you got to call me, Eddie Munster, disrespect me and shit. So I never forget, I'm like the sixth man freshman year that I'm sitting there waiting to go in and Carlos gets in and then they make them defend

the ball on the way out on our side. So Carlos has to stand on the baseline and there's a black kid getting the ball. But while he's waiting for the ball, he takes a look at Carlos, and he yells at his partner. He goes, yo, look at this motherfucker. He looks like Dracula. And we on the bench were like, ah, we just fucking lost it. A black kid, we've been telling you for a year, you look like Eddie Munster.

You tell us no. This motherfucker just called you Dracula. We weren't thinking right. Everything happened when we went into those neighbors, like all those funny fucking things. Absolutely. Listen, man, I've never been beaten my life. you know where I got beat Camden, New Jersey. Oh, Camden's

pretty rough. But two pounds apart for $18,800, I paid that fucking with a Vig to the end because it's Patty D. I had to give them this fucking money back, you know what I'm saying? I thought I was Johnny fucking Riefer sale. How did they get you? They usually don't let you live too long. Well,

Reifer, I guess. It's the higher up. I met them on the street. They came up to me. That's the problem. I wanted to get how I was happening. It was cracking. I had a badass fucking car. Full black dudes got out of the car. I was hanging out in fucking Jersey City one night at some fucking bar. I was about

16 or 17. And there was some dudes hanging out outside. I went to smoke a joint and they came over. I'm like, hey, blood, you want to get high? Fuck yeah. What do you got? And they were telling me about this chocolate tie wheat. And I smoked a joint. And I was fucked up. I was

fucked up, guys. This was something out of this fucking world. Then they showed it to me, and I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Look at the that stuff. What type of numbers you're looking for? And they told me the numbers they want. I said, listen, I only got like 18 bucks on me, 20 bucks, what can I get for that? They gave me

a tremendous butt of this shit. And I went to this dude, Patty Dee, neighborhood guy, and I said, Patty Dee, this is what they want. I tacked on I was Johnny Mafia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tacked on six to the bill. I was going to walk out of there with 12, but I didn't have the front cash. So he goes, what do you want for the two pounds?

I said, whatever the fuck I wanted 18. I called the guys, and They said, meet us, whatever, off of some fucking gas station off the three or something like that. Okay. And I went over there and I met him. I got out of the car, handshays, hugs, the whole fucking deal. They showed me the bag. I don't know how they did it late until this day.

We hugged, was up, dog. Oh, yeah, there's going to be getting a new shit. If you could supply this every week, yeah, yeah, yeah. They helped me. They fucking manipulated me, dog. I gave the money, and they showed it to me. and then something happened they did like a magic

fucking act like they turned around and took a bag and they gave me that bag and they go dog gets hot around here go to the car put it in the trunk and just get the fuck out of here

so I got in the car drove away and like two or three mile I was like hold on let's take a look at this shit and when I fucking looked in the bag it was just bricks of dirt oh you know his mother

and I fucking chased them and nothing I called the number Disconnected. I mean It was like a pay phone they were working out of it. It was fucking brilliant how they got me. Black magicians. Black magicians, the same ones that robbed

Red Band. Didn't he get robbed in Burbank? Right now? No. Oh, long time ago? Redband got by a Black Wizard. That's hysterical. That's always been like where you're from, that's always been when I was growing up, I used to go down there for concerts and shit.

From Hasbury Park Down, that was always kind of scary for me. It turned fucking real. Once you got into, I used to go to concerts in Philly. Tons of them. I lived half a mile from where that stadium all. I don't know how many six or games I went to in Philly. But I got to tell you, if I had a count them between five and seven or eight.

Wow. I went in 83. I was a fucking, I was down there, though. I think I went to one with my dad, a half of one. He had a pickup money from somebody. And we just got, but I did get to see me. Julius Irving. And me and my brother Billy, and we were like,

oh, my God. And we were so little. His hand was bigger than our arms. And we just shook our hand. My dad got whatever he got. I don't remember watching the game. But it could have been too little. I don't know. I don't remember. It's vague. I just remember Julius and being like,

oh, shit. I went to one of his basketball clinics, put on by Converse. Oh, okay. We all waited on line like a bunch of Jackwell. I was about 10 or 11. That motherfucker. pulled up in the Mercedes Ben's fucking palm of the basketball. I almost came all over myself.

The greatest. I loved all that shit. I loved all that basketball shit growing up. In Philly. I love baseball too, basketball, baseball. And they used to have to come to our neighborhood because ours was like the okay neighborhood to go in.

So they would come in our neighborhood, like the Phillies and the Sixers and the Eagles and never hockey really. But they would come in our neighborhood and hang out with the kids for a day. And then if you were, good, they would let you go in there. And every once in a while, a Carrigan kid would sneak through.

So I got snuck through one time, and I was having a catch with Tug McGraw. He used to be a cat. A picture of relief. Oh, my God, tremendous. So wait. So I had him when he was a Met. Wow. He was a Met in 73.

He was my favorite. He was my mom's favorite. He was when Tug McGraw was a Met. Now, was Tug McGraw, what's his name's father? Yes. And he never talked to him. They've never spoken yet. Something weird.

Anyway, we were... Then why'd you keep the fucking name? Because it's a great name. We were having a catch, right? And he, this was when I cut my hair off, because I was transitioning at that point. I wanted to be a boy, for sure. And I literally, we were having a catch, and he looked at somebody, he goes, hey, this little boy's got an arm.

And I was like, it's working. It's working. He thinks I'm a dude. I literally cut my hair and played... Like a boy. I really did. I always wanted to be Bruce Jenner. Now he wants to be me.

The fucked up shit we're doing with children. When did he play for the Mets? He started in 66. And he played till 73? He was so cute. My mom loved it. My mom was a beer girl for the Phillies and the Eagles for years. I think 74.

Because in 73 he was real vocal, but he had a weird way of pitch. And he was fucking, he would get all fired up and shit. He was like the first Roger Clemens. He would yell. from the fucking mound of people who fucking say shit about you, bitch. Must have been great growing up in Philly in those days.

It's my favorite place in the world. I go home in a couple of weeks. No, is it gentrified? There's a couple areas which is fun to watch if you go home like on Paschon Avenue where you'll still see like the good fellas on one side

and then these idiots in their tight pants and rolled up on the other side. I'm like somebody's going to get killed. Let's just watch the fun, you know? because there's no reason for them to be in that neighborhood, but they're trying to clean it up and ride their bicycles around. They're like, hey, about putting cameras up and shit. You know, on the other side, they're getting pissed off

because they're putting cameras everywhere. It's just weird. It's just not in my mom's neighborhood, though. It's still the same. It's still the same. There's so many pockets in South Philly that are still exactly the same. I love it. And that's why I love it.

I love the old neighborhoods. I lived in the Italian section of Boston. and I had this neighborhood lived there for like 40, 50 years and was convinced that we were stealing from her. And we would like were you?

No. Oh. She was like not going to her like, we broke into her storage closet. We don't have a storage closet. I know you have. I'm like, and I was like,

but it was just like they've been there forever. It's great. Yeah, my mom's been in that house from the day she got married. Same house. that we grew up in? So if they don't leave, they can't gentrify it too much. Yeah, not a lot of people leave.

And I don't think they're going to want to gentrify that neighborhood. From August, the first time I went to Philly was the Cedar Stones and Fariner. But from August to like 83, I had the weirdest relationship in Philadelphia. My buddy went to Glassboro, and he was a complete skyman artist, and he talked me into doing paperwork. He said he knew everybody. He'd get me and he'd get me cash.

All right. So he went down there a couple times. I slept on his floor. We got high. We watched TV. Great fucking kid. And sure enough, he got me fucking admitted in that.

Got me a couple grand, which I immediately put up my nose and bought clothes and tried to get my dick sucked or whatever. At the time, I was always getting in trouble in North Bergen. So whenever I would get in trouble, all I had to do was go to Kennedy Boulevard,

take a bus to the city, and then take the express to Philadelphia. And I call him and tell him I was going to take a cab over there, and he'd feed me, and I'd hang out with him for a few days. And we'd scam shit, and he kept me in there for a semester. Did you know that? Wow, I didn't know that. So for a semester, I walked around wherever the fuck a glass burrow is,

which is now rowing. He got me a job roofing. Wow. I worked for these fucking dudes, and all I did all day was carry 90-pound rolls up a ladder. They paid me $50 cash at the end of the day, which to me meant more than anything in the world. Just to fact, I'd have to wait a whole fucking week for my money. Every day at five, he'd pay you $50. If you worked after $5, he'd give you $65 or whatever the fuck it was, 7 o'clock, whatever.

But I was just a regular, I was 19, I was always in trouble. And whenever things got heavy that I owed somebody or I stole something I shouldn't have stole, I'd just hop on the bus to tell them and go to the family board and go to the first. Philly and I eat. And I used to fucking, I hooked up with a girl, Paisano. I never forget, she said a family owned a restaurant, like a Hogi place, Paisano's. And this is 1980, fucking 182. Wow.

But it was just scary. Like, one time I got raided, I was just watching a concert. I went to see Black Sabbath, and the feds jumped us in Philadelphia in 83. Just a bunch of crazy shit. So you went on the lamb. And I just take the bus to Philly. So many people do that. It really wasn't the land.

It was just airing something out for a few days. Listen, let's pretend. You go to the comedy store every fucking night. And I go to the comedy store every fucking night. Oh, I fly in and out of the comedy store. I bring weed to the comedy store. And one day I give you two pounds of weed, and I say, I'll be here next Monday, and you don't show up.

You're going to sit a couple extra days and wait for you two pounds of weed or the money. Where's Joey? Nobody knows. And that's what I would do. Nobody ever knew. I just disappeared of Philadelphia. For how long? Three, four days, five days until shit had out.

Five days isn't enough to give up like two days. Listen, when you're mad at somebody on a Monday, how mad are you still at them on Friday? And they only for two pounds of weave. Not really that mad. You've already thought about other deals. You already thought about how you're going to beat them up. Now all you're doing is putting together a story and putting together a certain amount of cash. So when you come back, there's no bad blood.

So those five days Let's say you owe the guy 1,800 But in those five days you put together 1,200 1250 At least you got a story dog Let me tell you what happened

I was selling that weed The cops were around the call I took the weed I went down to Philly I wholesale it I got 1,200 But listen Give me another two pounds

To get the party started Bam! There you go You follow what I'm saying to you You're always buying time Five six seven fucking days It's time It's just the way to live your life

Oh my God No shit Why do you think I stopped Fucking doing it Why I think that Why do you think I tend to the sure thing of the career of comedy? Because it was so fucking surely. That's why I fucking, because at that point, that's what I had been doing all along.

This is why comedy was so easy for me, because that's what I had been doing all along. Living under fucking crazy-ass fucking conditions. And even if somebody was looking for me, somebody was looking for me. Even if somebody wasn't looking for me, they were looking for me. because I was always creating some type of chaos owning somebody for a gambling debt, robbing some drug dealers' house, robbing a regular house,

and Philadelphia was just a fucking escape. Bubble. And I think I even owed it in Philadelphia, too. Then you have to leave there. I think I had to leave there. Where did from Philly? Back to North Bergen. They ain't going to fucking take the bus.

There was a lot of people that did that. I had friends in Philly that would go up to New York for a little bit, hide out in the Bronx or Brooklyn or wherever. Like they had buddies or cousins. or something, and then vice versa. Like, people would just, you know, take a break. The best part of your story is, like,

no one ever, like, travels to get their money from you. Like, if you're not there, it's got to be a lot of money. People knew you were in Colorado. People knew you were in full, like, it's amazing. No one ever was like, hey, I'm going to go get that money. You understand that those people from that area

go to Florida or they go to Atlantic City once a year, and that's a big deal. I brought pictures back to the Atlantic City. Yeah, but that's a vacation. We went to see the first. We went to see this band at the Bogota. I don't even know what their name is. They were tremendous.

And you sit there going, oh, this poor bastard. I went to this bar over at this place. You should have seen this guy. I mean, it's just crazy, Lee. What's to some people? What's an adventure? So I always knew people weren't going to get on a fucking plane.

Very seldom did somebody get on a fucking plane or threaten to come out. They wait. Lee, they wait because they always know you're going to come home. And they hope they get you. that guard is down. That's why you throw them off their game. Because once a person leaves, they go around

they ask a few people at the ball. Where's Cocoa? I don't know. I haven't seen him a few days. Wait a second. You guys are connected at the fucking hip. And all of a sudden, you haven't seen him in four days. You hear from him? No. Listen, tell him when you hear from him. That he owes me $2,000. So not everybody knows why you disappeared

because, oh, you owe that guy money. Fuck it. But you give him a few days to air out, right? Calm down. And if you do come back, you come back with an envelope. in the story. If you don't come back with an envelope, there's a problem. Yeah. If you come back

with just a story. But at least if you come back with 60% in a silk shirt or a fucking gold watch or something like that, it's forgotten for a few weeks and it gives you momentum. Nobody wants an outstanding. If you come to me, Lee, and you owe me

$3,000 for an ounce of Coke, chances are I won't give you another $3,000. If you come to me and say, Joe, I only had $2,000 and pay a rent dog, this guy still owes me $1,100. I'll give you that. Now you've got three or four more days to just make that money back on the second ounce of coke I gave it. Kabish, you always leave Owen the guy something.

Because then you have an investment of a drug dealer. All those years when I was buying Coke on Gardner from the Martel Cartel, I always owe it a 20. Martel Caratel. I never went in there with a full envelope. Never. Why do you keep a tab? Because they always got to answer the phone. You understand?

If you don't keep a tab, they're not going to answer the phone. Oh, it's this motherfucker. You're like an evil genius. They're like, fuck this motherfucker. I owe you 50 bucks. You want that 50? Yeah, I owe you. Yeah, I want the 50.

We'll open the fucking door. Little do they know that you're going to leave their own 100. You're going to give them the 50-on, but then you're going to front the yardstick. The Martel Cartel. You know me, though. That was right over there. I used to go to the Martel. I lived on Martel.

I remember it right around the corner from you. Oh, no, it was up, right, but you lived on my side. Yeah. They were up the corner. Yeah. The black dude. They used to come to the store with the envelope with the blonde and shit. They had, like, well, let me tell you how I became friends with them.

Just so you motherfuckers know. At that time, I used to have this little gun I found. I found this gun. And Jody Ferdick was the apartment building manager over at 1440. How do you find a gun? You could find guns. Sometimes people find a five-dollar bill. Sometimes people.

So I found this gun. lucky as shit. And I hit it in the wall at Martel Car. Did you know if it worked or not? Are you just... Absolutely. You know, I don't find defective guns. Okay.

Who finds a defective gun? So I didn't want it on me because I'm a felon. I couldn't have it in my apartment. Right. So I unscrewed the mirror at Jodie Frederick's apartment because she always let the front door open. And I put the fucking gun in her wall. For like a year, the gun was in her wall. Poor Jody.

And she never knew it. I used to go to her house and hide blow. Like I'd go to her house. Are you kidding? I love her. Listen to what I would go. Because I know if I went back, she'd be up. So what I would do is I go to El Camadre, Brian A-ball, take half of it, break in half,

and go to Jody's apartment, hide half the eight-ball. Then I go to the store, and then I call and wake up and say, Jody, I'm coming over. You can't. I'm sleeping. I got a half-eight ball over there. Where? Don't worry. I'll show you when I get there. By the time I got that, cocktail was served, my shoes were taken off.

Who's better than me? You know what I'm saying? That was a party building. So anyway, it's a tremendous building. So anyway, I had this gun in the wall. And one night I was almost going to beef on 9-11, but then something happened. I went to the Martel cartel and everybody was beat up. That's how I became Goombas with them.

Everybody was beat up. What do you mean beat up? They got robbed. Oh. They got set up. Somebody left the gate open on the way out. Three people went out. They came in and left the gate open and fucking ten fucking black dudes came.

Pistol whipped a white dude. and the black dude, and the dude was just walking in, tied them up, and took all their drugs. Four ounces of blow, a couple pounds of weed, some ecstasy. So these guys are sitting there. I walk in, they're sitting there all beat up, like somebody fucking, you know, and I walk in like, where's the shit, and they're telling me you got a waiter now. He just got robbed. They both got headaches.

I go, let me answer you a question. How the fuck are you drug dealers? I swear I God. I go, don't you guys have a piece here? And they both looked at me like I was a Martian. Like, not really I go listen You're gonna do eight years for the drugs

You might as well pick up another two And have a piece here You put it right next to the big bag of blow Underneath it As you're going for the fucking powder You take the gun You shoot the guy in the fucking leg If they're robbing you

This line I never understood Out of all the fucking people I robbed In that capacity of drug dealers They didn't have their shit together Well there's so many When I lived in Aspen I had 12 guns ready to shoot

At all parts of the house If you let me bend over. There was a gun under that carpet. Okay? There was a gun everywhere. I had guns outside because that's how Juan was. Were they all loaded? My step, ready to shoot. My stepfather always had pieces. If my stepfather

hung at the comedy store every night, one day in the afternoon, he'd go up there and hide a gun. Just in case things got bad. Just in case. I get it. Things get bad. There's always a gun close by. It's not even on your body. And nobody else is going to find it. So how many places? I just imagine like guns under the mat,

from 86 to 89 when I became that stupid gun person that I thought I really wanted to be. I bought every gun, shoot it a couple times, and I'd sell it. Yeah. All right, that's what I would do. I would get rid of them or whatever. I'd take them back to Jersey and just sell them with old paperwork, shit like that. So I didn't really care, but I had guns hidden everywhere.

So if you came to my house and put a gun to my head, I'd tell you, listen, come here. I know where there's 50 fucking grand. And I'd have six guns in that area pointing at that 50 grand that you wouldn't fucking see. if you came into my room. But I was going to go for one of them when you were putting that envelope in the thing. I'm going to lease him to cap you with something.

Because most of the people that do that are scared nine or ten times. Most of the people that rob you like that are not, yeah, the people that heavy duty come in, they do this for a fucking professional. When I was doing it, I wasn't no professional. I was just a fucking co-fiend that wanted to rob you. But you pulled the

fucking gun on me. I fall to pieces. I ain't going to lie to you. You pull a gun on me in those days? I fought a piece. I'd suck your dick. I'd have no fucking choice. Seriously. That's what happens to people. That's why I suck. I get it. Nobody ever put a gun to my head, but I suck quite a few

tips. What are you going to do? Let me give some shoutouts. Jason Sal DeVary, Jason Ellison, King Julian, Dead Squad Harlem, Renee and Carson, Sergio Otega, Matt Brachick, Christopher Moore, and Victor

Hernandez. What are you fucking nuts or what? Happy Labor Day Cocksuckers. Lee, how fuck up of you. Get it together, cousin. Yeah, Lee, you're fucked. I am very fucked. I love it. So I never understood how you could go to somebody's house and they don't have three pieces or at least one piece pointing at the loot.

I got to go to that pillowcase. I got another $10,000 for you. Where? If he goes in there and he grabs a gun, you're going to have a problem. So that's when you've got to have another gun closed by ready to fucking fire. Ready to fucking launch. I mean, that's the mentality. You've got to figure that

they're all out there to get your mentality. Oh, please. But that's what the drugs do. You know, what are you going to do, Lee? This is what you're learning on a Monday afternoon on Labor Day, right? You got to learn how to work. You want smoking on a number? Sure. You do?

This is some good fucking weed perennials. Put me on the fucking map. Lemon-O-G. Cook smell this. I hate weed. The smell of it, I mean. This is, let me explain it. I just don't smoke anything.

You know, I'm a picky fuck. I know. This is when the Chinese girl, she picks me. And I got an ath of that the other day. Oh, come on. I know we can't smell like shit. Damn it. Oh, my God.

I know it's probably not as good as I could get, but I got one of the PR pre-rules at Sonsid herbal. It was really good. But it never smells good. You can't say it smells good. No, just me. She doesn't like smoking. She had a good time this weekend you tie her up.

You give her a good stunt on me? We didn't tie her up, but yeah. Why no tying? I don't have a footboard. Lees scared. You don't want to pull her hair or smack her yet, nothing. You don't shoot loads in the mouth. He poised. He taps her on the shoulder.

No, we don't... I'm not a savage. You don't... You don't tell her to get off the helmet? Look how cute he is. What does it even mean? You toyed her head. You don't tell her, get off the helmet.

I'm about to come, honey. Fuck, my. You make a suck that fucking rod of death. Siphon it out. Until a little jujuice comes out of there and knocks her for a fucking loop. Every time she puts a... She has to put glasses. on the balance ahead after that.

It's all over, you shit. I don't know. I want people to really go see you. I think that... Yes. You're the point in your life where comedy-wise, people are going to start seeing it. I think you fucking made a lot of people

look their heads up what women are doing now in 2015 and you're in front of the pack. You just need a good push behind you. You need a good push, but it is good that I'm getting a headline different places. now. I'm actually co-headlining

in Scottsdale next weekend. Which one? For the Laugh Factory? Okay. That's good. Who you call her on? That's great. Lowell Sanders. Good. Perfect. Perfect. He's a great guy. And then in Jersey, that's just me. Just you.

And that's the 25th and 26th of September. Yeah. I always have to look. But also, I was telling you the Pope is coming to Philadelphia. So they're shutting down bridges. So all my connections from Philly. You can't come. My brother was like, oh, we're going to rent a bus. We're going to go see you.

I was like, great. He's like, hey, there's no buses. Nothing. Nothing. You can't get a. Because this is the people's pope. Yeah, there's the people's Pope. So this is, like, people are flying in, fill it up.

People are renting their houses out and get out of the city. Is that the only place he's going to Philly? I think so. I'm not sure why, but I'm not sure exactly. I mean, I want to see the Pope, but not what 10 million people cough on my neck. I agree. You got to go see the Pope and get the flu. As a kid.

Also like a shingles and shit. As a kid, I sat on the stupid curb on Broad Street waiting for the Pope. Me and my best friend, we got there at like six in the morning. It was already a bunch of people there, but we were little, so we went to the front. You know, they let the kids in the front. And we sat there all day, and that Pope flew by us. So I was like that. I'm not falling for that scam again.

But this guy, I think he's, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if he's like sitting in people's houses and shit. This guy is. I don't wait for two people, the mailman and the ice cream man. There you go. Maybe the water ice guy will be. there. Picking all me for stealing things. I thought about you the other night because I saw this periscope.

Apparently every time they open a chick flay, if you wait outside, they'll give you free chick flay for a year. So people were camping out all night in the chick-fil-a parking lot. And I just thought I just want to send Joey Dia's places. Every chick-fil-ay?

I don't know if it's every one. It was this one. You got free for a year? Yeah. Wow. Wow. I'll tell you what. I like Chick-fil-A. I like the chicken coli. You take the bread thrown away.

It's an after-taste. But I went over here in Hollywood. I got sick both times. That one had an after-taste. I don't like it. That's where the gays were protesting. They put the stomach. They put the fucking gay whammy on that fucking place.

That's probably what it is. They're getting bad water. They're getting used water from one of those gay bars now in Santa Monica or something. They're getting something in there. I went there twice. I loved it when I lived in Boulder. It was in the mall, and it was next to a place that made lemonade with rosemary water. Jesus, it was fucking delicious.

Old ice cream was at three bucks a pop. I could go there and spend a 20. That's not the American Express. I didn't give a fucking those days. I knew it was going down anyway. I went and drank 80 fucking iced teas just on. Oh, my God. So many credit card.

Oh, my God. I've been through so many credit cards. Some of them are still chasing me. Most of them I paid off. The ones from 90, they just, I had like, 15 of them. And then I didn't touch them. Lisa, I never thought about it.

And then when I got separated, before I got separated, I went to New York for 10 days. 10 days, rented a police car. I took cash advances like Johnny Bananas. There you go. 200 apart. You know what that's like when you go get your bill? Oh, my God. I remember I couldn't even get more cash advances.

They were like, what are you fucking kidding me? You're out of cash. And I got the first bill. I owe them like triple that. Those cash advances? Oh, yeah, because they charge you for that. Or they used to charge. I don't know if they still do, but yeah.

They tack it to the print. They do something weird. Or those blank checks, they send. Oh, those blank checks, fuck that. Those blank checks saved my shit one night. Save my shit two nights and shit. Because I found them in the draw. Oh, you know when you're looking, going for a draw, looking for a pen?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, ho, ho, ho. What have we found here? With a bunch of money, I was living in bold. I was just starting comedy. Oh, my God. And they had a 24-hour drive dress. Let me take a chance.

I wanted some Coke. This is the last hope. I got a check for a thousand. I went right to the fucking drive. And I owed Discover. Oh, at that point, I owed Discover everything with the kitchen and saying. They were calling me everywhere. Evering.

I went over to the bank and gave him the check on a Saturday night. It went over when they came back. And they said, how do you want it? In 100 to 20s, I said, nothing but Ben Franklin's. I took that $1,000, and I ran out of that drive-thru window. Do you know they called me at 901 on Monday morning? Oh. You are authorized to take that money back immediately.

Immediately. You were not supposed to be given that fucking loop. And your response was up. It's gone. I didn't answer the phone. You might as well get it back from the Colombian because that's gone. I fucking got a cash advance on one of those fucking checks, dog. Those people chased me for fucking years.

And you know what they did? Discover is nasty. They went after the bank. Okay. And even though I owed the bank, I had an accurate Integra. But I had fucking gotten. I got divorced. I really wanted an accurate integral with a badass stereo system.

That's the car. I fucking was going to the Denver Nugget game. And I fucking hit Black Ice and I had banged up the rims. And then my big deal was to bust into the Mike Kessler's car shop and bowl the Subaru. And take a car, bring it to my garage, take the tires off and put it on my car. And you imagine me coming to you and going, Eleanor, you're the general manager that accurate place. Do me a favor.

Give me the keys. I was like, serious. I gave me the keys. And he's like, Joey, they're going to fucking know. Yeah. And then something happened. I had to leave. And I left them.

When I came back, they went. This is how nasty Discover was. Discover was going to sue the bank for the thousand bucks because they gave me the thousand bucks without checking something. Yeah. The bank automatically, no matter what I owed them, gave me a loan. for 24 months

to pay back that thousand bucks and they tacked it on to the Acura that I had. Oh, they find shit, yeah. And when they reconditioned of Acura, I owed this much. They were calling everywhere. The balance was like $4,000.

They were fucking looking for it. I never paid them. They must have ripped their hands. What a fucking shame. They ripped off some other push, Mom. I was very fucking fortunate, man. But what are you going to do? That's what happens.

Elinor goes on the road. I beat the fucking Discover people. And that's it. I won't even, and they keep sending me shit to scum. Open up my account. Oh, yeah. I rip it up. Yeah, I don't even fuck with them. Capital one, too.

Don't fuck around. You know what game you love? Who? The toughest white people in the game. Gaming my card back, like nothing. In fact, they looked me up. They cut mine in half. I can't get that back.

After 24 years, they gave me a call and said, what are you been doing? We ain't that matter. People have misunderstandings. We take care of them, but now if you like your card back and we're going to give you a nice limit, it's yours. I was like, come on. I thought it was limitless.

I don't know what. It is limitless. That's right. It is limitless. Something crazy. I don't think all of my limitless. Yeah. Something's crazy.

Something. Amex, that's what I got in trouble for because there was no limit. I figured out how to get cash advances on Amex. You have to pay it every month. Do you know you can't get anything? You have to pay whatever you spend the whole. No shit.

Yeah. You know that you can't get. cash advances in the American Express card. But guess what? Uncle Joey figured out how. Gotta go to a casino. Ooh. You go right to the...

Cashier. No. No. The bank? The pit bull. Pit boss. Can I talk to you for a second? Listen. I got this monkey on my back. I'm feeling lucky as fuck.

Goodbye, Jack. My card's got 11,000 on it, but I'm out of cash advances. Can you help me out? Let me get the card. they'll walk away and come back and go go get $5,000. It's like automatic.

In the old days, I don't know about now. That's funny. I like it. In Vegas, in the old days, they would bump your credit card. They could call. Yeah. $3,500 limit. They'd be at $3,300, and you

go up to a pit boss and go, there's my situation, pit boss and say, give me the fucking card, I'll be right back, I got you up to 5Gs. That was, I don't know how they did it, I don't know if it's true, don't quote me on this. Well, Tocke and Lair said, if you have the money, like if you have money,

what people will do is they'll come in and get money from the casino, like a cash advance, or whatever it is, play a couple hands, went it back, and just give back to the casino and then they have like a $3,000 or $4,000 free trip on the casino

but you have to actually have the money so if you didn't have the money then you are so we fly in I leave my credit card I forget what it's called but it's like when you go and they give you money like they give me a line of credit or something right I know you get credit you can file paperwork right

and get a line of credit so then you get 20 grand and then like you'll go to like play blackjack or something win a couple hands and get to like $25,000 if let's get a $20,000 line of credit, play it to $25 and then just give the $20,000

back to the casino and then you have $5,000 to play with. I can't do that shit. That's when my life, I can't. I don't have the balls to do that. Yeah, it could backfire on you. I can't sleep at night and I pull the move like that.

Because those motherfuckers always collect their motherfuckin'fuckin' You know what I'm saying? You can't leave Vegas. No, I can't do it. I don't have the stomach for it. I don't know. I used to.

But then it's fucked up how they kick. People like Ben Affleck out and people who play a lot and they kick him out. That's his wife calling on him. So they kick Ben Affleck out? Like the hard rock or something. Why? I think he was kind of cards or something. I don't know.

He was doing too well. No, it was something shady, definitely. And they were just, they do that a lot. They kick out a lot of people. They really do. I mean, a lot of people do have scams. It's crazy. I'm not saying he was cheating.

I'm going to say he wasn't. I'm saying somebody ratted on him. I wouldn't have the balls to go into a casino and cheating. You know, I've done some crazy things. I don't know how people... Well, they're always watching you. Yeah. Always watching you.

Always watching you. I agree. I've done blowing Vegas. My boyfriend is in the room. Petrified. Petrified. Petrified. They're going to go into the bathroom, turn the light off,

get a hat with a light on it and make believe I was doing bumps. Anyway, let's talk about some fucking great magazine stuff. For those of us who want premium content, don't have time to waste finding it. You know what there is? There's a thing called Next Issue. Next Issue is a mobile

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They got Hot Rod magazine. They got self. They got 17. Me, you know me. I'm a Rolling Stone type of fucking dude. I like people. I like the little gossip in the front. I'm not into Golf Digest, but if you get it, I ain't going to be mad at you.

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And again, listen, you can try this for free. Right now, when you go to next issue.com slash joey. I mean, why are we fucking around here? I'm giving you something for free to get on the cuff. Speaking of free, honit.com. You know what? Honit.com gives you a free fucking spirit. It gets you strong, get you healthy,

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Here these things. You're puffing to your face is fucking blue. And nailed it life if you want to smoke some wax. And that's it, Lee. You're going to sit there like the tomb of fucking death. What's going on with you there, beautiful? I'm happy you came on today. Thank you so much for having me. I love doing this because this podcast, you talk about anything and I love that.

You're fucking work hard. I see you out there tonight. What? Walking around, and that's all that matters to me. Just doing it, man. When you dove into this, it took your while to get in it. But once you dove into it, it's like the chick that switches governments. You know what I'm saying?

Right. Full-blown now. What's up with you tonight? What are you doing? You're going to jitia to go? Why don't you go to Jit Tuna? Hell, dude, what? You'd be perfect.

It's 5 o'clock. By the time you go to Jit Tuz 8.30, quarter to 9, get it out of the way. It's Monday. And you think this is going away in three hours. Fuck it. It's not like it's going away. You're making it go away because you'll leave Sallette.

You're that type of motherfucking Jew. You understand me? If they want a fake Jew, go to Beverly Hills. They're walking around with sandals, giggling. You're not that type of Jew. You come from the old school. You threw the rocks. You got hit by the rocks.

You are the rock. You know what I'm saying? Get it together. Brush it all. How many times I'm going to tell you? What's cracklecking? Eleanor. Yes, sir.

So these motherfuckers how they can find you, sexy thing. You can find me right here. No, I'm just kidding. You can find me. On Facebook, on Twitter, E.J.carrigan.com. Also my email. I mean, what's it called? The website?

Eleanor j.carrigan. Yeah, yeah. But then I'm going to be in Jersey on the 25th and the 26. So if the Pope isn't preventing you? Stop up at the fucking Pope. They're coming from your direction. Uncle Vinny's comedy. You're going to get people from Manusquan,

Point Pleasant, Seaside Heights. You're going to get all points. Seaside Heights. Fuck you. Fucking Lavalette. You're going to get people coming from all over. Don't worry about Philadelphia. Yes.

Well, I'm just saying they're afraid to come out. You got a New Year's gig yet? I don't think. And then when I go to Philly, I'm taking you to Philly. Hopefully next February of March. Yeah. You come home, you see your family. We'll get the family out there jumping up and down.

They're out of their minds and they would love to see you. What's up with you, cock liquor? Cock liquor? What are you going to do? I thought to stay in the apartment

and watch another fucking 10 episodes of parks of my I have no plans of it right now man. No plans. What are you doing?

Yeah, what are you doing? It's not what I'm doing. There you go. I'm going to go home now. I got to play with the fucking lunatic until about 7.30. I got to watch three episodes

of fucking team oomizumi with the troublemakers. There's these three little faggots on there, the trouble makers. because they knock tables over. What troublemakers?

Three little faggots. Two little guys. A troublemaker. But she loves it, right? Oh, she turns around. Daddy is some troublemakers. I'm right. Yeah.

And she takes a bath. And I tell you what I think I'm going to watch tonight. Bullets over Broadway. One of my favorites. I'm in the mood for bullets over. How good is Chess Palm and Terry? I saw the one-man show. Did he really?

Of his Bronx town. Okay. I love him. No, no. Bullets over Broadway. It's Woody. No, but still, he's the guy of the writer. He's terrific. That's his best

all-time fucking role in that. When he's trying to argue with a writer and he's better than the writer. He's telling him what to write. Nobody talks like that. Nobody talks like that. But the best is the writer fucks up and he shoots him. That's how personal he takes the fucking play. That is as great as ever. So I found it on YouTube.

Oh, great. It's on YouTube, the full fucking movie. Bullets Overbrow. Okay. The black fucking, the maid with the guys. guy, the boss's wife, the chicken. You want the good hooch? Give them the good hoots and shit. Oh, from the clean baths. There's two movies I got to watch

all over again. They just calling me. You ready? Bullets over Broadway and Harlem Knights. Especially after we talked about David Banks. I'm looking for Harlem Nights. If not, I've got to watch the Michael Jackson. Remember the Time video. It's like 18 minutes. Same thing. Harlem Nights.

Remember the Time. What's a fucking difference? People dancing, jumping up and down, Black Snakes. I love you guys. Thank you, Eleanor. Thank you for having me. Jersey, my Jersey people. You know, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Friday night you go see Eleanor and stay on night you come see me in the city or vice versa.

When you're in Uncle Vinnie's, I'm at Gotham's. Oh. I'm right there. I'm skipping a jump from you. You'll never make it. 1145. Wow. Shoot.

Lee, you have a look on your face. Don't forget to tell him about Vegas. And Vegas is September 19th. We're shooting a special. Lee's going to be there with a little habit of. Salaamie, the fucking Anarchy edibles. A lot of people coming. A lot of people supporting on this.

Thank you very much for the love and the fuck. Why am I talking into the mic? I'm right here. I gotta pee again. All this water. I sweat a lot today. But Jesus Christ. What's up, dog? You're gonna go to Jitza tonight? You need to go over and just tell us.

Work it out. Do a couple push-ups with John. He'll teach you some shit. You have a good time. I'm gonna go Thursday. Thursday's never going to come. You gotta go Wednesday night. I think you get it.

out of the way. You get your kettlebell in and then you go over the 24-hour fitness and do your little fag thing until fucking, you know, your asshole blows up and shit from doing that shit. A little diggle, you do the Leptigo. How can it be a fag that you do? Once a week, but that's not the only fucking thing I do.

And not everyone could do any different classes, man. You're like, 80 different classes. Like, okay, do kettlebells, dude, you do. You have to do everything. You're 27. If I was 27 years old, you know what I'd be doing with what I know now? Oh, my God. You know what I'd be fucking doing? first of all at 6 a.m. I'd be fucking swimming.

If I was you, I'd be in a pool at 601 with three times a fucking week. And then on Tuesday and Thursday, I'd be with Rashad over there, Assan, whatever his fucking name is, doing jiu-jitsu at 1230, so you kill that. But you do the kettle. That's what I'd be doing if I was 27. Easy. Then on Saturday and Sunday, you want to go with Mom under the elliptical

and bring a little Rexon park on the tablet and look at it. That's up to you. You're 27. You can do something every day. What recovery? You're 27. It's not, it's not a lot of comfort. It's just so much different driving around. We're driving around. You're living in the fucking neighborhood.

What driving around? I don't like meeting that many people. What meeting that? What? You're going to sit in a park. I'm going to the gym and getting over a room. We're joining a gym. That's not a gym.

That's a fucking, they're going to fucking a muffler over there. You do one thing. You walk in, you do the elliptical for a year and three months. The same thing. What do you think has happened to your resistance? The same fucking thing. You're going to look.

there and sit me in the eye and still say it motivates you. A year and three months, you sit there with some tab or some fucking Harvey Homo show that means nothing. I can see if you sit there and smoke a joint and work it out. Nothing. You sit there with no vitamin B. You can't smoke a joint inside 24 hours.

Well, no, you smoke a joint in the car before you go in there at least think and write notes down or something. Nothing. You're going there and watch some fucking bad show. I'd rather you fucking go to North Hollywood stretch and walk around three times and get some vitamin D, you never know what could happen. You got to switch it up now. It's time to switch it up.

You're 27 years old. How much longer? How much longer? What? How many more days? Oh, yeah, yeah, it's 42 minutes. What fucking 42 minutes? You're 27. At 27 I didn't sleep. You weren't fucking Di Agostino, both of you. Sleep is great. You should sleep is great. Yeah, fuck. Oh, my God.

There was a time I used to ride my bike to swim in Boulder. Those pictures are great. They're fucking beautiful. Then I'd ride back home and hit the bag and lift weights when I was your age. It sounds really hard. It's not hard. It's a piece of cake. Oh my God, you are so funny.

This is you. Oh, I could go for a piece of cake. You're a young fucking man. Don't you love cake? You're a fucking savage. I love cake. You're an animal. Look at you.

Close the show, Cocksucker. Please get him cake. I can't have cake. Why not? How many points you got left today? I have no idea. I didn't use any points yet. You haven't eaten yet today?

I'm a mess. Oh, I had a banana. Because I was coming. Close a thing, please. She's eating fucking bananas. You know, that's all I need now, my life. Close it. Next issue is the mobile amp

that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime anywhere using your phone or your tablet. The best part is next issue is offering a free trial right now, when you go to next issue.com slash joey. So it's also brought to you by Anand.com. Go to Anand.com. Use corporate church to get 10% off. Of the all your red supplements,

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