The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #317 - "Mike" The Agent

Episode Date: September 15, 2015

"Mike" The Agent, Comedy booking agent, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 09/14/15 Music:  ABC - Jackson 5 Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

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Stop it, Lee. Little Michael Jackson to start off a fucking week. Boy, you child molesters out there. Shout out. Oh, shit. Monday. September 14th, the day the devil was buried at sea.

Focked in the ass, thrown to ISIS, they cut his head off. Oh shit, here we go, Lee. Here we go, Lee. Little Motown for you. Lee Syatt, your uncle Joey, the mystery guest, Mike. The witness relocated, big Mike. Age into the stars. Is it Big Mike from across the street?

Nah, that's Monica. That's the best night. Big Mike. What's happening, Lisa, yeah? Oh, I had a good weekend. I watched Blazing Saddles with Paula. It was her first time watching it. Did she enjoy it?

Yeah. Did it hold up? For me, it does. For her. Yeah. I told my mom that we watch it today, and she's like, oh, when you're kids, it's good for girls, but it's always good for guys, but girls don't always get it,

but I still love that bean scene. and forwarding just that Mel Brooks is the fucking girl I would love to be able to meet him he's fucking a legend I'm a silent film Mel Brooks guy The silent film is great

I still haven't seen American history part one or history of the world part one That's a good one That's a really good one There's just so many movies That you want to see And now with Netflix

I'm behind the fucking catalog Because me I want to start From scratch all over again You know I did watch a fucking great movie this week You know man As a movie guy or whatever the fuck we are.

We like to watch entertainment. And I've read scripts and the scripts I get made that you look at and go, this is fucking total garbage. I really want to see the script for Rocky because every time I watch the movie, it gets better and better. It's not something

that I had the DVD somewhere in the house. It's not something that if I'm fucking lonely and the power's out and I got to watch a DVD, I would put it in because in your mind you watch Rocky a thousand times. It's like a a fucking relative. Rocky is like a parent.

You take it for granted until you watch it even with commercials and you pick up little things that you go, you know what? As dumb and fucking goofy as he is for that fucking movie, Sylvester Stallone on that day was Einstein. So all the stars came together. I don't give a fuck, I'll

go pound for pound. That day, when he shot that movie, I couldn't even contain my tears. I could not contain my tears. The emotion of brought back to me like where I was when I watched it the first time I was at the union city cinema and I saw a theater for the first time my life I saw a theater blow up and then a year later I saw theater blow up again with the original longest yard I never saw that in the movie theater

white people fucking on their chairs cheering for convicts you're walking home as a kid going why was I cheering for fucking convict these are the bad people but the whole theater was on their feet but just going back to Rocky it's perfect it's hard for a guy like me because when I saw it there's other ones like it there's other boxing movies

and whatever I don't know what year it came out whatever year it came out was there anything else like it at all or was this the first year it came out how to be 73 or 76 one of those two fucking years 76 okay

later on when you're not doing nothing I want all you motherfuckers to see what was nominated for what was the nominated for Academy Awards and 76. Let me teach you a fucking lesson about movies so your fucking head explodes, okay? Should I do 76 or 77? Whatever the fuck? Seventy-six and 77.

Do the split screen. What he got 19 computers for to fucking be a weatherman? What was nominated that year for Academy Award? Okay. Your head'll spin. Best picture was Rocky won. All the president's men, found for glory,

network and taxi driver. Are you fucking kidding me? There's four movies in that. Let's read them again. Read them again. Rocky. Okay. All the president's men.

Okay. Bound for glory. Down for glory. Fuck them. Network, which I don't, that's the only one I don't recognize. Network is tremendous. And taxi driver. Okay.

What do you think? What the fuck do you think? What the fuck do you think? Now, let's get the release date for taxi driver and let's get the release date for Rocky. Taxi driver was also 76. Let me see if I'm on the date. Okay. See, you're a phone.

fucking young kid. February 8th. You're 10 years old. What's that one? Taxi drivers, February 8th of 19706. Which one else? What is that the other one do you want?

And Rocky. Rocky. December 3rd of 76. Okay, so you're fucking... Oh, no, sorry, November 21st. You think of that, that was a Thanksgiving movie in those days. Now what are you going to see for Thanksgiving?

Dick. Rocky for Thanksgiving? Everybody, listen, if you're not, if you weren't born or you weren't a lot, it was fucking huge. Everybody was Rocky and everybody was doing jumping jacks. Everybody was running in the streets. Everybody was drinking fucking eggs raw.

Everybody you knew. Everybody wanted to be a tough guy was, I just ate 19 eggs raw. The Barbarian brothers were eating 36 eggs. Now you went to see Taxi Driver. The impact that movie fucking made on me as a kid. I remember that movie came on ABC Sunday Night movie, October of 79. Taxi Driver did? Taxi driver?

That's the first time I fucking... With the horrors and the fucking shooting? Well, they cut a lot. lot of shit out in those days. But I remember watching it in my mom's bedroom. And my head was going to fucking blow up. Like, these movies were just, but back to Rocky,

that scene when he goes into the guy, and the guy says, I want you to do this, this, this, and this. And he goes, listen, I'm just a fucking Haminegger. I almost had a nervous brain down.

Right there in my chair. My wife had a fucking give me mount to mouth. And then the scene when he goes to look at the thing, and he sees his shorts are red instead of blue. He tells the guy and he goes, does it really matter anyway? And then he goes back to the room with Adrian

and he tells that he just wants to go to the distance. So he doesn't end up like one of the bums in the neighborhood. Are you fucking kidding me, guys? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm in my head. I almost had to fucking take 15 volumes. Did you have that experience when you first started or because of looking back on it now?

You just look at that and go, that's how I felt. I understand what he felt like. He just didn't want to be a bum from the fucking neighborhood, just end up in a bar drinking, talking about playing high school football or whatever the fuck they talk about those people. It's fucking crazy. And you've seen the preview for Creed?

No, they say it's spectacular. I haven't seen it. It looks interesting, yeah. Just tilt it down a little bit. Sorry. There we go. Better? Yeah, people think it looks good.

I just looking, just seeing all these. remakes, I just wish it would stop. But if it looks good, then I guess. Well, Creed isn't a remake. It's the last in the Rocky chain. Okay. You know, so it's the sixth fucking movie. He's put out. Obviously, the studios wouldn't invest in it.

They didn't think they're going to get their change back. Obviously, Rocky and fucking China, they throw new chucks in the movie, they fucking like dragons on fire. That's the, you know, that's what we know. We don't know what they do here. We don't know what they do with England and fucking, you know, look at the guy from Baywatch. Wasn't he huge in Germany?

We don't fucking know what these people are doing. They said that the reason why Netflix did that six movie deal with Sandler was because of how well he does overseas. Overseas, yeah. Like, they're like, we don't care if they watch it in America. This is for over here. In the Philippines, they're still fucking talking about him on a skateboard or whatever fuck Adam Sandler does.

So you never fucking know. Mike the agent. Yes, sir. I really wanted to talk to you about comedy tonight. This is an education type thing because this is a question that every comedian has and if anybody knows the answer you're the fucking king of this shit

and nobody's discussed it with Ari you know we're all dear friends we've known each other for a long time you know Mike the fucking agent yeah we've met many times yeah Mike's a good fucking dude so that's more of an education type podcast

you know I got hit up by a bunch of people about this Nick Diaz thing planning it simple right okay planning a fucking simple you could fight on the street corner you could fight in a fucking gym on a Sunday for $200

or you could fight for a half a million dollars that gave the opportunity to fight for half a million dollars he probably smoked a joint the day before am I supposed to be mad at them or whatever I'm not mad at them was defined hefty five fucking years it's a third time right

it's a third time and it doesn't really matter if it's hefty I mean he he must have to sign a contract that says you won't smoke weed or whatever the fucking reason is whether California and whatever the fuck Alaska, Alabama. It doesn't matter. Regardless if it makes sense.

You can't get high. I know a bunch of you guys would love to hear. Yeah, fuck, yeah. Listen, man, you know, he's going to appeal it. He'll probably get it down to two years or two and a half fucking years. But he broke a fucking rule. He broke it. Well, it's a, you know what?

It's his third one. If he respect what he did, Mike and I were talking about this before. I love comedy. If right now tonight, what's it? It's the guy with the one ear. They just got the fucking show. Steven Dorf, whatever's fucking name. Stephen Colbert, whatever his fucking name.

Tomorrow I got the fucking call. They'd like for you to be on the show. I'd have to turn it down. Because I wouldn't represent myself properly. Somewhere it'd have to be a fuck. Somewhere it would have to be an edgy joke. So if I didn't look at it from that perspective, so if you came to me to fight for half a million dollars

and I knew deep in my heart, I love smoking marijuana. I'll lie to you. I'll tell you. I'll stay clean for, I'll give it 10 days. You know, I ain't gonna lie to you. But after 10 days, something's gonna happen. I'm gonna be fucking bored and it's all over.

You know, and that's me. I just know, you have to know yourself. I'm not mad at Nick, and Nick should be, everybody should know this. There's rules in the UFC. You're in the top echelon of your profession. And it doesn't matter, like everyone's saying like, oh, well, we doesn't, it's not a real drug or whatever.

That could be the case. But if you and I were this high in, I don't know, what state doesn't have medical marijuana? It doesn't matter. One of those states, and we got raided, we could go to jail. It doesn't matter that it's legal here. And we go to jail here, too. They can do whatever the fuck they want.

They shoot people every fucking name, put a gun in your hand and said you were terrorists. They'll do whatever the fuck it takes to clear the fucking murder. You see it on TV. Eight people beat up a homeless dude. They held them down a gun one. Are you fucking kidding me? They got to call.

You know, so it doesn't matter. Right. They're going to come in here right now and arrest us for that fucking edible and get us for possession of something else. It's not marijuana, an edible. It's something completely different. You get busted one of those fucking vapor pens. It's not marijuana. It's a controlled substance.

Oh, Jesus. So it becomes something completely fucking different. So thank God, listen, that SAG doesn't have urine tests when I go to shoot a movie or a TV show, because I'd flunk all of them, but I'd know this going in. That's the UFC. see, what did he think that he was going to go in there and get a nine-month suspension? This is his third one, guys. That was Anderson's first one.

Third one. You know what you're telling me? When you fuck it up something like that three times, do you know what message you're sending me? What message are you sending me, Mike? I don't really give a fuck. Yeah. At that point. Mike, you book Lee on the road for six weeks.

Lee gets there late to three of them. What's he telling you? And you got him good money. What's he telling you? I don't want to do this. I'll find somebody who will. I'll find somebody who come here and fight and abide by the fucking rules. Right.

For half a million fucking dollars. And the frustrating part is, like, Mike could just get another, well, like, the person who isn't going to fight, can go fight somewhere else, or the promoter can go get a different fighter. But someone in, like, Mike's position, who is making money based on a deal, you see. still like I can't imagine what Nick Diaz is agent or manager whatever whoever was was thinking like I have I don't know let's say if it was 500 grand he was going to get 50 grand he had 50 grand riding on that and and he doesn't know if his client's going to show up at all even and then if he you got to move in he's going to be high you got to move in and handcuffed the motherfucker if you're

getting 50 large yeah you know you can't just sit back and go well I thought no no and this is but you're a big boy yeah In reality, I don't need somebody in movement. Hey, listen, when I was 27, I had a predicament. I had a pee in a bottle. Have you guys heard the stories of the shit I did? I used to pull my uncircumcised dick back, get pool cleaner, crush it up like salt, and put it in my dick,

and put my uncircumcised dick skin back over it. And then I would pee and pull the skin back, and all the particles from the pool cleaner would close. And when I failed, the next time I use drainer, I use fucking Drano. My dick still has psychological

and fucking meat scars on my dick. Thank God nobody ever looks at my dick That's why when Rogan ask them Would somebody Have you dated somebody Who committed suicide?

No, but if they suck my dick They should kill themselves Because that's got Drano on it Fucking Machunga juice How long were you sitting there With Drano on your dick

Like an hour, two hours It must have been a while, right? I would do it right away So when I went in there with my dick It would still be in chunks Because if you peeve when you had to take the test. You had an idea. I always had to prepare. If I got high

on a Friday and I walked back in on a Monday with my record, they were going to pee test me. So my job was, I wasn't going to come back clean but I was going to throw that fucking test off. I was going to blow up the computer. The last one I did was Drano. What's the shit you put?

It was either Alka-Seltzer or Drano. And the guy put it on his desk. Okay, the guy would walk me into a room, watch me pee with the door open. I would take the bottle, pull the skin back pee and then the drain old chunks were fall into the pee. I'd cover it, give it to him with a glove on.

He was walking with it. You could see the pink particles floating in this fucking thing. And they never caught you? He puts it on the table and the thing starts shaking. You could see the thing going to shh. Like it was like meth getting made. And he's like, so how you doing? What are you doing this weekend? Because he was like from somewhere in fucking Texas

or something. And he doesn't even catch this. Three days later, I got a fucking called dog. You fucked up the computer down. Do you know how long I fucked around with those piss tests? Do you know how bad I was? But it didn't matter. I was put in a halfway house.

I was given rules. I failed one time. I had to pay my attorney, like $4,000 to go in there and fight for me to put me in a nun where you go spend the night at a halfway house, where you just go in from six to nine. And I got away with it. Then I gave him another heart for touching it, because then I stopped snorting, but I was still selling it.

So I would weigh the chunks, and it would go through your skin. So from Nick's perspective, you know that you've had two failed drug tests. You're going to lose 100 whatever grand, and you're going to be banned. In my world, I was going back to prison, and I still got high.

At least I am. With a wife and a baby. Were you even thinking about it? Didn't give a fuck. Didn't give a fuck, so I understand where Nick is coming from. So let me, so pretend I'm your friend back then. I'm like, hey, Joey, you're in the halfway house. You shouldn't do this coke.

Oh, I'm not going to do it. This is going to be my last night tonight. I'm never going to do it again. I'm getting my shit together. I only did this because you called me up and said it was your birthday. I'm only doing this because of you. I'm only getting high because of you.

I was home. I was going to stay home with my manager and write a script and shit, but you fucking called me up to Dublo. Now you're fucking telling me about my daughter. What type of fucking enabler are you? Right away I ruined the night. Right away, then I go, fuck you. And then you go, come on, don't be mad.

I'll buy another able. Okay. Now I got my hooks in you, you, cuck, sucker. I always love them. when somebody came and gave me the fucking whatever. Right. Because I flip it around.

That's your addiction. You fly out there you. What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm never talking to you again. Take your cocaine back. I was just kidding. Come on. Keep it.

All right. So what do you think is in it for Diaz? What does he need? He's going to appeal it and then fucking hopefully get it knocked on to two, two years. Couldn't he fight in a different state though or a different country or now? I don't know what the rules are. I have no idea. what the rules are.

I think he can maybe wrestle. Didn't they say Chale's sign? Maybe. Well, he's fighting the manoris. I just saw the headline today. Yeah, but that's like Jiu-Jitsu tournament. There's no striking and shit. I don't know if he gets paid.

I think he gets paid. I don't know what the rules are. He writes a letter or some shit. They don't test you in those tournaments. I don't think they test you in Meta-Morris. I'm not sure. Do not quote me on that. I'm a comedian, not a Jiu-Sit-Contest fucking rulemaker.

Are there PEDs in Jiu-Jitsu? I have no idea. I don't even know what the fucking PEDs. Like steroids? Everybody does steroids, except you and me and this fucking guy over here. You have to assume everybody does fucking steroids nowadays or some form or something. Remember, there's people on anti-aging stuff. Right.

So there's some, everybody in Hollywood wants to live till fucking their 100. So if I could sell you a fucking dream package that you're going to live to 100, come in Harry, week I'll shoot you just keep drinking water and eating the sushi at sushi den and everything will work out for you. You know what I'm saying? Whatever Lee? I don't fucking know. It's just I mean he must have enough money

he must be doing something else because I was going to say it's too bad he's ruining a career but I think he trains people. Listen they paid him a half a million dollars for two or three fights he made some money they come back. They figured that would get him focus. Remember he didn't show up to a fucking table reading. They pulled the

off the fight and they put them up against somebody else and I like him I love him and his brother I'm fans but this is the reality of it you're at the top echelon of a league that's getting weirder and weirder every fucking day right it's getting weirder and weirder so why are people even uh well we don't know what isn't isn't Nate not even fighting right now he's like waiting for a better contract I have no idea I wish I fucking knew how do you Mike how do you I don't know what the word is give your advice to a client who, because your money depends on them bringing money in, but then you want them, then they're like, oh, no, I'm fine. I want to hold out, but then. It's tough because you're dealing with an addiction, right? And like Joey said, they're

professional liars at that point. They'll convince you and everybody else on how this is different, and, you know, in the comedy space, it happens all the time where you'll deal with someone and, And they'll have a problem and they'll go to rehab and they'll come back and like, hey, everything's great. Let's hit the road. Let's go. Let's go tour. Let's go do this.

And you got to trust them, right? I mean, that's your guy. And they're telling you, they're telling you, hey, this is, everything's fine. Everything's great. I got it together. I'm going to meetings. Everything's fantastic. And they sound great.

And then all of a sudden, you're hearing stories about. They don't make radio. They got locked in the room. But then there's an excuse. There's something that happened. Oh, they fly. My flight, my alarm didn't go off. And then they're good the next week.

And then the week after. after that, you know, something else happens. And it's, it's very, very challenging, especially when you care about these people. You know, like Joey said, there's only so much you can do. You know, I mean, at the end of the day, they have to want to help themselves. You know, I mean, look at, like this is a perfect example.

He had a half a million dollars going for one fight, and he still chose the drug over that. I mean, that's, there's nothing any person can say, I mean, you can lose your family, you can lose everything for an addiction, and it happens. Would you still work with someone who's been through a couple failed drug tests or whatever? Or gone, like, at what point do you have to say I can't work with you anymore? It's very tricky.

It's a tough call to have, you know, because you feel for them. You know, you're, it's kind of like asking a brother, when do you stop talking your brother? You know, he's disrespected you time and time again. He hasn't paid you back. He hasn't done this. You know, any kind of addict is always a tricky situation. But there does come to a point. for sure where you're risking your professional career

and you're risking your reputation for them and there does come a point for sure you have to kind of have that conversation that dude I can't do this anymore I don't trust you and once that trust is gone it's very hard to kind of bring it back but I don't know man

I don't have the answer on that one that's a tough one I've been through I've been through some pretty brutal situations where your heart gets ripped out and you don't know what to do even not even with the drug situation just you must have clients who who you're trying to guide in certain ways

and maybe the deal doesn't go well and then then you get fired or it just there's so much it seems like there's so much that isn't even based on the job when it comes to that kind of relationship it's like a lot of times it's it's factors that had nothing it's like why professional coaches get fired a lot

like they get the blame yeah yeah it's you know it but it's what you signed up floor. I mean, you know, we're the last ones to get credit for anything, even though it could be our idea or it could be, you know, us pushing you into something. And then, you know, it's always the act kind of getting, getting 100% of the credit, as they deserve. And, but you're the first one to get planned. Anything goes wrong. If a flight gets delayed, if a fucking club doesn't pay you, you, if any of that kind of stuff, you're always the first one to get to get playing. But, you know, that's part of the game. And I think as long as, as the client knows, you're doing the best you can,

And, you know, you're always going to get fired for no reason. You're always going to get, you yell at for something that had nothing to do with you. That's the name of the game, you know, and you've got to develop a really thick skin. Brass tax, since we're on the subject, if I was doing what I did now and doing blow, we wouldn't be here, you and I. This would have been over a while ago, especially those 6 a.m. ones. Oh, yeah. This wouldn't happen. my road career would have been done

after 90 days the true colors would have came out there's no way there's no way you have no idea what I went through from 2004 to 2006 I would cancel the morning up

I'd wake up and still be paranoid from the night before and there was no way I was going to the airport there was no way well okay Joey but we just saw it there's an 11 o'clock you could still make it that's not going to happen

What would your excuse be? I got a cold I got arrested at the airport I lost my license You got really, really good at making excuses, right? You were probably the best. Oh, it was, it was And I was really good at booking myself

And at that time I had In 2005, before the longest yard came out My phone started ringing from a couple people They all sucked They all sucked Yeah And then I bumped into Bill Burr on a plane and he told me to call Mike Berkowitz.

That's when they were with a different company. Way before APA. And Mike Berkowitz threw me three weeks. But I knew people. So I was booking these B rooms, these C rooms, getting out of bad payday. I wouldn't show up. I wouldn't show up the day out.

And I knew it. I fucking know it. Even though you needed the money? Even though I needed the money. I would wake up in the morning, look at the luggage and go, not today. Here's a question. So what, is there anything anybody could have said to help you get there?

Is there any, like if you had, you know, an agent, a manager, is there anything that anybody could have said on the phone to get you on the plane to go there? You're just, there's no way you're going. No. No. No. No, I don't feel good. I got up. I got the flu.

I twisted my ankle. I went to the airport and I got arrested. Yeah. There was a bout where I had a bout with paranoia between the pills they were given me at the, at the, at the, at the, at the, you know, I was. doctors, the coke, and the years of abuse, I had gone into a different place in my mind. And it was, I didn't really give a fuck what anybody thought. I really didn't. If I woke, I remember calling Rogan in the morning and going, call somebody else and him yelling on the phone for eight minutes and me just hanging up the phone.

Unplugging it. It's not going to happen. I'm not going to the airport. I'm too fucked up. I'm too fucked up And don't get me wrong I got on some planes Fucked up on the way home

Oh Oh Did you ever do that Did you ever add like a place Like out on the road Not want to go back to L.A.? Or did you always make that flight? I always made that flight in the morning

Because I knew it was death Except at the time I bought the 30 Valley It was in Beaumont, Texas And I started eating them on Thursday And by Sunday morning I was incoherent I got picked up Monday They'd take into a hotel in Houston, the club owner of the lap stop, said, just go to the Intercontinental and sleep.

I slept at the Intercontinental from Tuesday, guys, to Thursday. The Valiums didn't wear off. You figure I had 30 times 10 milligrams of Valium in my system. 300. I was 400 fucking pounds. Never did I break a sweat, only when I snorted bloop. I did not drink water. I drank Coca-Cola straight out of a fucking can from the beginning of the morning to the end of the day.

that volume was going to sit in my system and every time you lit a joint the volume restarted I remember calling Mike Berkowitz and yelling like what about back up that and I couldn't even talk straight still my face was numb from the blow and the value

I'm seriously this is how fucked up I went on the road to get fucked up like I went on the road to get fucked up by the time I got to my destination the packages were ready the calls were made the night before and we were going deep. Houston, Dallas, El Paso, Miami, Buffalo.

In fact, I was thinking I was just calling to say hello. Jeff and Myrtle Beach. Oh, yeah. I love Jeff. That's my dog. Jeff and his wife are Myrtle Beach. He's your drug dealer in Myrtle Beach? No, he was the comedy club owner.

Oh. He paid me 500, but I made $1,000 doing fake rentals. What? What's a fake rental? You know, when you sign up and you sit there and take the ear beating for their fucking condominium to sign up and at the end you get 75 bucks I would sign up for three of those a day what are you kidding me

I put your plugs on I'd sign whatever the fuck you want me to sign it was before 9-11 they weren't checking IDs what are you kidding I was Joe Smith John LeBomba They just give you 75 bucks cash 75 bucks cash and they give you any of beating for an hour and a half why you got to sign up let me go back

and talk to my attorneys I'm trying to loosen up this building in Manhattan have you seen those signs around in LA like $99 bucks round trip to Hawaii. Yeah, yeah. Same shit. That's what that is. And apparently, because I went to Google, I was like, what is that?

99 bucks round trip to Hawaii. Apparently, if you go as a couple, they'll go, they'll turn to the guy, to the girl and being like, why with his loser? He's not going to buy you at a time. I'm sharing Hawaii. And if you do it, you get 99 bucks round trip airfare. And that's after they fucking take your car keys and hide them. Oh, that's a, he had beaten and a half.

They wouldn't fuck with me. Do you think it's worth it? If a blow in those days, $75 for a packet, $75 to get my dicks up, and 75 for some cocktails, what are you nuts? And I still walk out of Myrtle Beach with a nickel on fucking Sunday night. What are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I'd get up early, all coked up and go to that fucking high.

I like to buy a condom what's your name? What's your present value? I think I'm worth about $80 million. I got a building up. I want to hear you as Pete. I got a building I'm trying to move on mid-time Manhattan. I'm dropping the price from 11 mil to 9. 9.5.

But I like to buy one of these timeshires. Come on in. And I'd sit there and bullshit them and I'd take the area of beating. Sure, 8.9 percentages. I'd be dropping mortgages, international fucking yen, fucking rates and shit.

I'd get them all confused. And at the end of the day, 75 beans, cash in dollar. And then I'd walk down the block to the other suckers. Tell them some fucking story. I'm a Chinese immigrant. I got property in Hong Kong. I'm trying to move. I'm swear to

God I did this every time I went to Myrtle Beach That's great And they loved it Everybody was like, oh And I just told all the comics And all the comics started Fucking doing it

What are you nuts? What do you think You're dealing with Lisa? How did you convince them To give you $75? I didn't convince them They convinced me Yeah, but if you're like I own

Building in Manhattan You're like, I went there once Listen, I went there One Christmas The only time I could work The Club Is in the holidays

Because I was too dirty For the summer It's too many white dirt Jeff loved me I knew Jeff from his Milwaukee days They used to book Appleton That's how long they've been in the Mother fucking game

And his wife She's a fucking knockout 20 years ago She's probably still a fucking knockout And then they said They broke away from That lady that used to book Milwaukee that controlled

That place The gang place The one that belonged to the bikers In Milwaukee JD He's gone now 6 foot 9 300 pounds

when he was a gun on the thing all the doorman had suits triple John Gotti suits everybody was a gangster big family dinner Thursday night big family dinner he was the VP of like a big time biker gang

and the whole the headquarters they've been on gangland the whole fucking thing this guy was huge and also own the trouble hut that was their front yeah the condo looked like something from the fucking monsters the furniture was beige

people had come all over of it. It was horrible. Then they also have the club in Appleton, the bikers. It used to be bikers that own Appleton also. There were two biker brothers or something like that. I'm going back 20 years ago. They ran that.

The lady kind of went crazy, gave the business to her. She also booked Marquette University. I remember doing Marquette to her on a Tuesday night. They booked all that. They went to Myrtle Beach, bought a home, and opened up the Comedy Shack. Yeah, yeah. The comedy, whatever fuck it is. And they're nice people.

It's just, they're nice, clean beat, you know what I'm saying? I go down and get fucked up down there. Those bars in the strip, the water's warm. Everybody plays golf. That's the other thing. Everybody goes down there, goes to Timeshare and play golf. The question I wanted to ask you, Mike, that a lot of the comics listen to this podcast, and I remember being a comic in this town.

And you come to town, you get made a regular at the comedy store. I was very fortunate I made a regular month afterward. Got here January by February. I was in the store. Wow. A week later, I got made over at the improv. The guy was a boozeant. He used to sit in that thing up there in the little office and just get high and watch me.

And one day he goes calling for spots, and he started giving me two spots a week. So I was rocking and rolling. Jimmy Massadda didn't like me, but Gilbert Escobal booked Monday nights. Jamie didn't come in on Mondays. So Gilbert always gave me the 925 spot. Are you fucking kidding me or what? So I was rocking and rolling. So right away, you think you're making progress.

And there was a company called IAG. And I'd walk in there with my manager, Ken Phillips. Ken Phillips was a genius. He got fired because he tried to send faxes on colored paper. He spent the $100 of the company's money on yellow paper. Little did he know. You know what I'm saying? This guy was really money.

Ken, did you call the fucking guy? Yeah, I called him. He hasn't answered the phone in three weeks. That's funny. He just gave me two weeks. He gave me Buffalo, Miami. I don't know what fucking line you're calling. I swear, I've been calling the guy.

Tremendous. I love Ken. So I had Ken, and I had Ken call around. And at that time, there wasn't a lot of booking people. In 98, you had the wig, Richie Soups. I don't think Innovative was booking. I don't know who at CA. Who was that CIA?

Yes. I remember who was that. Oh, ICM had a booker. CAA had a booker. I don't remember who he was, but I remember the ICM Booker. He's another agent now. I remember that whole thing. And we went through all of them.

There was a big booking agent who booked Carlos and somebody else, AJ Jamal and a bunch of other guys out of IJ. O'I. And everybody passed on me. I was fucking heartbroken. Heartbroken. Hey, I'm a funny guy. I'm at the store four nights a week.

I'm at the improv too. You know, I'm featuring. I'm starting a headline if you're signing me now. Oh, DJ was over at the feature. That was the best agency at that time if you were a feature Omnipop. Because at that time they were really booking features as headliners and small clubs. They were developing 20 guys, which was fucking genius. Half of those guys are still around today, Ian Bagg.

I don't remember the rest of them, but I see him around town. But he had a bunch of guys in those days that were really Tom Parker, Tom whatever. No, no, Tom, somebody else from South Carolina, one in that area. He had a bunch of guys that were really headlong. that were really had the features, and he was grooming him to headline. And that was the only agency that did that. In those days, either you fucking were Wendy Liebman,

you know, or nobody else booked you. I didn't understand why I couldn't get somebody. I got a couple bites during the longest sharing, but it still wasn't complete. When is it that a comic needs to start getting booked? You know, it's tricky. For me, I'm unique in the fact that I look for a rock-solid hour. And then that's the bare minimum for me.

So, you know, I get all the time comedians that are very, very frustrated, and they come like, I don't understand, I kill every single night. And I go, yeah, you're a professional comedian. That's the entry level to being a professional comedian. You should be able to be very, very funny for an hour. Now, what else do you do? Do you have the right look that can get cast in this TV show that's going to blow up? Are you writing screenplays?

Are you doing a podcast? Are you going out there and hustling? Are you figuring out a mailing list? You know, someone who's willing to do the work that it takes. You know, it was different a long time ago. It was a different 15, 20 years ago when you could just do a Tonight Show spot and all of a sudden your calendar would be books for the rest of the year. I've had a bunch of comedians that I've worked with who literally, told me that his ex-story.

I mean, um, who was, uh, who was Roseanne's ex-husband? Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold was telling me a story.

He, he, I think he had seven and a half minutes, maybe 10 minutes material. He did one tonight show set and he's, he's never not had to work. He's never not worked from that moment on. Like he's,

his calendar has been full from the time he did the tonight show set. And that just doesn't exist anymore. I mean, there's so many more opportunities, there's so many more performers. Um, so now, Now it really is, okay, great, you're funny.

What more are you doing? And I mean, I think you're the perfect example of a comic who was killing every single night and frustrated. Instead of waiting for some rep to come in and save the day, you took action and you built your own career. You know, look at what you're doing now. You're spending time on a Monday night. Most comics right now are sleeping. You know, they're the store, they're watching Netflix or doing whatever. You're working.

building a career, you're putting your time and you're putting your effort in. And I think that that always translates, especially now. So that's what I tend to gravitate towards, you know, is this comics that are willing to do. Okay, great, you're funny, but what else? You know, there are other people that will just chase it. Okay, you're a cute 21-year-old girl who's got two minutes, let's see if we can cast you. And there is a business there for a small time, but really to build a long career, I think it has to be this. I think it has to be effort. to be able to maintain it. We were talking the day about Earthwind and Fire,

and their agent was telling me that it's like, I can still put Earthwind and Fire at Bonarillo, and they'll walk away with thousands of new 20-year-old fans who had no idea who had earned it in the fire was. You know, they still have it, and they're still willing to go out there and work, and there's no ego in it. They're willing to go take an opening spot at Bonarro

and just blow people away. You know, and I just find those to be very cool, interesting stories. And a lot of comics get this ego. They get this, well, I'm past at the store, so I shouldn't have to do that. You know, I'm the funniest guy in Kansas City, so I shouldn't have to start over. Fuck that. I don't want to do that. So there's not really one thing to do, but I would say, you know, figure out what you're really good at on top of just being funny and use that as a resource.

You know, I mean, you're a fantastic story. So the podcast was a perfect medium for you. It was perfect. Totally. So it's 1995, gentlemen. I don't mean to interrupt you late. It's 1995. I'm doing comedy five years.

I'm doing comedy seriously. Between nuts at the table, comedy with everything I got for three years at this point. The first two years, I was just wasting my time, giving out business cards, telling people my comedian, getting on stage once a month,

going down there just to make a drug deal. You know what? I won't meet you at the coffee shop. I go down there, do a spot. I swear to God, it was like a part-time thing. Then I realized effort has to be put into this, and that's when everything changed. So it's 1995.

This was the formula. This was it. I know you were a young guy Lee. You're ready for the formula? You come to Hollywood? You get passed at the store, the improb of the Laugh factory. You go there every fucking night, you bang it out.

A manager was going to come up to you, and eventually an agent's going to come up to you. It's that fucking simple in those days. They come up to you. give you a card. Two days later, you went in their office and moot for some bullshit. They were off in your water and giving you their spiel and saying you're that type, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Didn't you tell me that, like, people used to wait at the store with, like, plane tickets? This was way, but this is 20 years before me.

Oh, okay. I'm talking about 1990. My dream. This is what you had to do in 95. You had to come down here, do that, do some spots, and then you had different paths. A, you could either go to Tonight Show Path in that day and blast it that way, or B, you'd go to movie path or there's another path to Montreal the whole thing path now here's what happens

let's pretend you don't get you're not a tonight show guy and you're not a whatever guy but let's say you bust out in six episodes of the hottest show modern family this is 1995

you bust out in six episodes of modern family out of 13 they used to be 26 13. You bust out in six. In those days, your booking agent came into the store. I love to sign you. We'll get you out next week. And in those days, and when a comedy club put from Modern Family, boom, they didn't give a fuck who the person was. That was the formula.

If you recurred on one of those shows, then right from that recurring, you'd pop a special. Comedy Central, HBO, maybe Showtime in those days. But it was that simple. That was the fucking. formula. That's all it took? That's all it took. And then you went from there. Then you just got booked into different things. Sometimes you laid off. Sometimes they just threw you on the road. I didn't know the formula why they threw you on the road. Sometimes they threw you on the road. There was big money involved. I remember when I started, the guy with the smile, Bobby Collins, was very hot. And that day the genius, Wendy from the comedy works in those days,

Monday night, she'd had Bobby Collins in there. And she would give them like 10 grand. for two shows because of his search commercial. A fucking commercial that you knew he was Bobby Collins. You guys were kids. You don't even fucking remember. There were Bobby fucking Collins. So Bobby Collins are coming on.

Hi, I'm Bobby Collins for certs. They keep my teeth white. And he eat up thing and he'd smile. Bam! They put a fucking flyer up in every city. Bobby Collins is coming to town from the fucking search commercial. When I got here, there was two idiots

on a McDonald's commercial. Scott something and some guy. They got a McDonald's commercial where the celebrities would walk in and they'd stop them with a hat on. That guy was on the road making fucking money for fucking ever. Because you made money from those things. That shit don't happen today. Well, isn't that good in a way? To be honest, hasn't the quality of stand-up gone up?

It's forced it to, for sure. I mean, you can't really just get by based on a commercial. People figure it out. I mean, you know, Dustin Diamond is a perfect example of like, okay, you can have some fame, but people aren't going to come back the second time and the third time and the fourth time. Unless you got the comedy chops. You have to have a comedy chops. That's where the comedy chops come in.

When that little window opens up, you better be ready because if they put you on the road, they're going to put you on the road for 45, then it's going to get out. And also you're going to have fucking, you know, somebody opening up for you doing 15 just to kill fucking time. Then it's 15 and then you're off the fucking road. And that happens. That's not happens today. Sure. But, you know, that's why I would say, you know, once you have that rock an hour, then it's, okay, what else do you have? You know, once you have that, because that's not a career, right?

I mean, going on the road because of a commercial now, you might be able to fill seats or you might, you know, if you get an arc on some big TV show, you'll fill seats for the first time in. But those people will tell their friends, nah, that guy sucks. Don't go see him. And you want the opposite. it. I'd rather sell 300 tickets a weekend, then 400 tickets a weekend, then 800 tickets a weekend, you know, and build it that way than kind of the reverse pop. So, um... And then I don't know about you guys, but a couple new years, Rob Schneider had lined in Boston.

And they always advertised it as like Rob Schneider from Deuce Bigelow, like whatever, whatever movie they were saying it. And even before I was ever into comedy at all, I was like, I don't want to go see him do... dues Bigelow stuff. Like, it I think it might turn a lot of people away. Well, that's what happened. I remember being in Miami

and having a feature week and another feature week, and that third week, Joe Rogan was walking in. I'll never forget this. This is big time. And he was Joe Morrelli, whatever his fucking name was from news radio. He was there with Chris McGuire.

He was now a big time riding all these little comedy shows. And I was there, and I said, fuck it. I'll stay in MC for you. guys. And every night somebody would pull them over and go, I am fucking blown away. The language was awful. You should be ashamed

of yourself. And he would go, what's the problem? You know, I came to see Joe Gorelli, the goofy guy, you know, that boxes and stuff. Trust me, people sucked into that. They thought they were coming to see that guy. Listen, the longest yard came out, I remember a distinctive night.

The guy now runs the small club in Atlanta. Nice guy. What's his name? He runs. Jamie? No, the other guy that... Oh, uh... He runs a small club in the Lacking School. He gave me a shot to come into his old club, a big club.

And I'll never forget one night. I was walking in there, and this lady and her husband and their friend bought like a table of eight. And they're like, oh, my God, they're here. And they hugged me. And they're like, you and Adam Sandler, we love Adam. That's why we're here. When I got off stage, I went to pass them, they sucked them. they sucked themselves in

and looked the other way and would not touch me with their bodies like they were great they thought I was going to go on stage and trip and break a guitar out and be like one of the Adam Sandler's guys and that's when I realized I got to find the way

to let these people know who I am this was the whole thing that night always stuck with me and then I went to see the wrestler and the reason why I went to see the rest of on the first night, which how long we've been hanging out? Four years? Do you ever see me telling you,

I'm going to the movie, standing online? I don't give a fun. Every weekend. No, a wrestler. This is all an act. Wrestler came out at 11.30. I was there at 1115. Yeah. With 80 other people. And each of them was saying, I've been waiting for this movie for eight months. So was I. And I started thinking,

how did people know about this movie eight months before it fucking came out? That kept me awake for fucking six fucking days. I wanted to know how people. Who knew this was coming out that they leak it on YouTube because I didn't see it. Somebody had told me I went on a computer page and I saw the hidden trailer or something like that. That's it. So they didn't promote that the rest of it was coming out?

No. What I'm saying is that I knew it was coming out six months before. So it got me very excited. Now you go see a fucking movie. It's coming out two months later. We find out about it. I found out about Black Mask when I went to see Mad Max. That's fucked up, right?

Black Mask, Mad Max. So it was two months ago. The wrestler, I knew it came out in December. I was talking to somebody about it in July, and they were telling me that he was training, that this is the fucking movie, that it's a low budget, that's why he's going to be really good,

make sure I fucking saw it, that somebody saw a screening of it and came out crying. That word got out. That's a powerful word. Remember when you and I had a discussion about 1975? Faintly? When we first met, we got really high one day. And I gave you chills because I started telling you about Boston.

And like Aerosmith. I started telling you about the Boston Red Sox and the Boston Bruins and the Boston Celtics. And whatever else was going on in Boston. But here's these five little dirty white dudes from Quincy or where the fuck they're from. And they're making the national headlines. There was no Twitter. There was no Facebook newspapers. Didn't call other newspapers and say, do a writer.

Word of mouth was very big. I wanted to know how to get word of mouth because that's the one that people trust the most. Of course. When I look at you in the office and go, go see fucking Sebastian. That's how podcast got promoted. That's how I found out about him.

Word of mouth. There's no advertising for podcasts. I heard the first one the other day. Jimmy Pardo did one. He had like a, he was a spokesman for like AutoZone. He said, listen to whatever his podcast is. But like this,

the only way I ever found out about podcast was Facebook and then people in my office. It's just Same thing happens for comedians Yeah I mean, Bill Burr's a perfect example of that Of a guy who built it just based off of people telling their friends You gotta listen to this thing, this thing's amazing

And then putting out quality hours I mean, you're no different You know, think about what you've built on the road And But here's the funniest thing And I've had this discussion with you Yeah When my agent signed me to do comedy

I was doing comedy 20 years I had an hour just being me but I was not really a headliner. I really wasn't ready. I remember those first couple of weeks I went out. I was really having a rough time with people who had come to see me from listening to the podcast.

It was still like, this isn't... It took me a while to flow it. And then I think it was like in Kentucky that when I got off, I said, uh-oh, I'm a fucking headliner. I just balanced these guys. I knew what material I hit them with.

I was very prepared. But it took, me a while and I've been very honest about it. Yeah. You know, I remember Columbus didn't hire me for a long time and I said, that's because I bombed last time I was there. There were people there but I didn't do that well. I didn't do that well. I didn't feel like I had done a good

hour. We were, we talked about TV shows and movies. What was it like for you as a comedian after doing the Rogan podcast one or two times? Like what was the reaction like? Well, okay. So, I'm in this

fucking town. I got the A coloring book for a theatrical agent. Did ever tell you about that? No. The coloring book was my first theatrical agent. Is that the name of an agency? First I signed with a manager. I met him at the improv.

He was managing carrot top, and he left. They all left that company they were at and opened up different offices across the country. They all got a severance package, and they all left. He took his money, came out here, bought a brand new car, a few suits, got some cards, some rings on, and started fucking peddling management. He signed myself, but he went towards Black Axe. But I tell you who was, I tell you who he did find, Gary Owen.

He signed Gary Owen out of the Navy. As soon as he signed Gary Owen, that's the thing. The guy worked to me minimally with Gary Owen. He took him right. Gary Owen and him were making money right from the beginning. Then he got married and something happened with the chick. And his father said, you ain't making no money. I can't keep giving you money.

And he flew him back to North Carolina or something like that. but I remember we sent packages out together at CBS, did you know that? No. I was showing up with an envelope. I wasn't just showing up like some schmuck with a headshot. I was showing up with an envelope and a minimal thing, but I was showing up with a CBS fucking deal.

All you had to do was call and closing, and you had me. The coloring book. A black agency in the... It's not a black agency. Yes, it was. It was two black chicks. And it was one chick that was a bad... Bad ass attorney. Like this bitch just called people and they would tremble because a husband was somebody.

And the other chick was an attorney and they both went to Georgetown. This was no joke. Listen, man, this chick worked for me. She didn't fuck around. But I was in an agency called the coloring book. Their resume, I always had to have pink ones or yellow ones. But it was fucking ridiculous. SBV signed me, which at the time was a huge commercial agency.

When you'd walk into SBV, you were somebody. What? They had muffins. People called your Mr. Diaz. You could walk into the back and get your checky poos. They had Christmas parties back then. Thanksgiving parties. All the clients would come down and eat mingle. I haven't been to a fucking agency Christmas party in 12 fucking years.

Those things got shut the fuck down in this town. Okay, so I showed up with a pilot. A little bit of money. The coloring book fucking signed me. then I booked basketball I like the coloring book but I'm a comedian I gotta be with APA

Doug Stan hopes at APA everybody's at APA I'm at the fucking coloring book the comedy store I'm saying giving us a headshot I couldn't because it said the coloring book on the bottom I couldn't fucking do it you understand the struggle I went through

so now I booked those two things after basketball then the Taco Bell commercial I started knocking on doors and still still with the coloring book. Go fuck your mother. Go fuck yourself. It was brutal. But then I booked Telemundo and I got after.

I booked the show on Telemundo for a thousand bucks. I went down there and I was a Cuban doorman. I booked it. In those days, you had After and SAG. I was after. It's the hottest Spanish show on Telemundo about Cubans, a Cuban-American family in Burbank. And it shoots in Burbank. I fucking go up dead dog Report on time Rehearse

They go alright Let's go eat lunch I'm in my car The phone fucking ring The page it goes off I go call They fired me They just didn't like my Spanish

They didn't like me at all They were two different Listen there's So what did they catch? There's jungle Cubans And there's decent Cuban I'm a jungle Cuban Because I fucking

Knocked the audition Out of the hotel But it didn't matter They paid me And they paid for my after Who's better than Uncle Joe You understand me So I'm cooking with gas

I'm figuring I'm gonna do something guess what show becomes the hottest show on TV, the Sopranos. Now, everybody's doing Soprano spots. Guess what? Boom, Mad TV got a sketch. I get up at fucking 9 o'clock, coked up to the Gills. I got 19 messages.

Every fucking agent friend, assistant comic that got breakdowns. That was the big thing. Call me up. Joey just, I walked the fucking Mad TV, you know. Walked in there with my headshot, people were looking at me. These were before 9-11. People were looking at me. Like, what's this kid doing in here?

And all of a sudden, what's the black guy that does the impersonations? He saw me. And he used to see me at the store, but always just wave at this moment. Ari Spears? Harry Spears came up and he goes, what are you doing here, dog? You hear from the motherfuckincerptych? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

And he grabbed me. I walked in there, were auditioning piano players or whatever, magicians. He got me right to the front of the line. I went in there and knocked the pants off. I got that. Once I got mad TV, I started talking. shit. Yeah. I had to start dropping names and shit, fuck you. Nothing.

Then Jamie Kennedy popped the show. Are you just talking everything yourself at this point? All myself. Jamie Kennedy pops the hottest show on TV, the hottest reality, hitting camera show. Guess what? The producers live in my building. They're doing a mafia one. They deliver pizza. Again, I'm on TV because the show got so hot and they didn't order

another 13, so they kept playing our episode. People kept coming up to me at the store. Oh my God, I saw you. I'm calling APA, I'm calling fucking DEA, PPP. They're all telling me to go fuck myself. I'm out there every afternoon on bullshit, spending 15 in the park dropping envelopes, dropping names on people. Then fuck them. Nobody would talk to me.

Then I got the De Niro morning. Then I really started dropping fucking names. Analyze that. Still, nothing. But I thought by analyze that, at least I would start selling tickets. Nothing. So what I had to do.

been told to do three years earlier I was doing and now I wasn't getting do you guys follow me I'm not throwing a pity party here I'm just telling you what my reality was

that I was attaining the goals I was told to attain that I would start fucking blossoming nothing It's in my cousin went to Ithaca film school right at the end of tape and it all went to digital

and he wasn't in the industry so it sounds like you just at the end of an era, sort of. It's, uh, I guess it kind of hurt you, but not really. Who the fuck know? It, boom!

NBC is doing a show about a family of lawyers. Now, first I'm in a pilot. I'm a bartender and a pilot. A CBS bar, a fucking show that it was supposed to go up against NYPD Blue. They had paid the director a million dollars an episode to

do the fucking show, it's going to go on for sure, it gets canceled. You have no idea. Like I was going to, and I was going, what the fuck is going on here? All these people at the store popping deals and their shows are getting put on. I pop a fucking CBS pilot, and I'm going to be like an 8 out of 12,

and now I'm fucked. They're not doing it. Then I booked this other pilot at NBC. About six lawyers that lived in the house. I was going to be a recurring maintenance man, and I find the pound. I'm a plumber. and I'm fixing the pipes and what do I find in the walls?

30 pounds of pot. So now I'm part of a conspiracy. It's Belafonte's daughter and it's somebody else's son. The show comes out of the fucking gate. It's going to blow up. I'm in episode 6, 8, 9, and 10. Somebody else was making a comeback.

I still see him around town. He was in episode 6, 8, 9, 12, and 13. We're all waiting to be big stars. The show gets canceled, episode 5. side. Now, so it was just weird

that the evolution of this fucking thing. Like I did all, then the longest yard. Let's cut through this. I came out with Spider-Man 2. Then the longest yard.

The longest yard started getting me people but on Adam Sandler's name. And they would come in and run out of there like I was Godzilla. And I'm not lying. There was no pictures then.

Nobody wanted to take pictures. They come over, ask me questions about Adam Sandler. But I was Trust me. I used to read this thing. People were like, fuck that guy. He's up there rapping on stage,

and you could see shit's coming out of his nose. It was horrible. So anyone who came to your show was like the club giving away tickets? Or just random walk-ups? The only place I sold tickets at that time was Houston, Texas. Houston, Texas had a tremendous comedy scene,

and they supported up-and-coming guys. Babbitt was the genius of bringing Headbird. again. I never forget. Like, Heedberg was just starting to blow up, and the kid had just lost the show on NBC, but he was still funny as hell. In fact, I called him today. Tom,

we were at the store that night. Rhodes? Tom Rhodes. And one day I'm talking about it, and he was, I'm bringing Tom Rhodes in here with Mitch Hepberg, the co-headline. That's like Ali at the time, and fucking Joe Frazier coming to your fucking bar

and having a drink with you and snort and blow. I never heard it. before. Doug Stanhope taped the CD there. Rogan taped the CD so people would just come there on the strength of the fucking club and if you drank on stage and were getting fucked up, you were selling out.

Wow. So you people would come back for you every time you want? Yeah, in Houston. I started building a market but then the club went out of business. Everything fell apart in here. Which was good because I started staying in in more and focusing on film.

But it's just weird that this whole thing started. The reality of this podcast thing, for me, this thing started on the Rogan podcast, and then went on Beauty and the Beast and I told the story about mugging the hooker. Yeah. When I went down to that comedy club that night

and there was 100 people there, and the owner called me and said, he goes, you know there's 100 people here on a Sunday night. And they paid, and I'm like, you're bullshit. And he paid me my money. He gave me a door deal and everything. I was blown away. This all started.

So this was what? why this is the weirdest thing ever. So I never thought I'd get booked or never thought, but this all started by just telling people stories and telling the truth. And that's it. You know how embarrassing is to let people know you mug somebody or that you went to jail? You know how embarrassing that is? Did you, just, how different is your set now versus when the longest yard and all those things?

Oh, my God. Like the longest yard I had been doing comedy now. for 13 years or something like that. 91. 91 is 9 and 5 is 14. I was at the store. I was following good people, but I was just telling jokes.

You know what I'm saying? Do you remember any of them? No, they were so bad. They were so bad. Then Whitney Cummings directed, produced a special about five or six years ago when Whitney started getting big. She blew up.

She produced a, series on Showtime about comedians. Short-lived, six episodes. I don't even remember who was on except one particular guy. And I was doing coke in my bathroom with the door open, listening,

taking the shit. Just doing little bumps. My wife was out, whatever, and I'm doing little bumps. She wasn't my wife at the time. Listen to this guy. And that's when I realized how bad I was. I knew I had to do something different with my act. Because he had the same sort of... He's not around no more.

So I was correct. He's doing something completely different now. But me listening to that guy, I was like, me and him are not the same. This is horrible. This is Rodney watered down, doing something else. Do you know what I'm saying?

It was just really weird. And then I just, at the time, I was writing stories. And one night I popped one of them on stage. And I realized how intense I had the people. I had the people locked in somewhere where my comedy, I never locked people in before. Had you prepared the story or just you went into it? I wrote the story like two days before,

and I was on stage dying somewhere. As usual, I was on stage just fucking dying somewhere like a flappers and ha-ha. And I busted a story and I saw the effect. And then Ari, something happened. And I went down to the improv. And it was Mark Maron way before the fucking show, guys. Yeah. The podcast was just getting started.

Maybe a year in, a year and a half, maybe two years, and I went down to the improv, because Ari was going to do a show about telling stories. It's a Pink Floyd story, right? The Pink Floyd story, right? The Pink Floyd, but here's the beauty of it. And this is us's family, because I'll tell you, Mother, and you know it. Do you think when I drove there, I was going to tell the fucking Pink Floyd story?

What the fuck do you think? As my fucking Jew brother here, I'm Rasha Shata. A big shout out to all the Jews that are listening right now. You know, you're my people deep down inside. Fuck these Gentiles. When this shit is over, I'm going to Israel with you, motherfuckers. family, and that's between us. Don't tell these other people. Fuck them.

Listen to me. I don't think you knew until you started. I don't think, you might not have even known until you start saying something. I swear to my daughter, Mercy Diaz, that when I walked into that improv that night, I was telling a story about something completely different. And somebody was up there, and they said something. And I go, wait a second, what am I going to go up there with that shit for? I'm just going to go off the cuff on the fucking stupid Pink Floyd night with Loubs and Joe Foucara.

And that's what happened. And somebody sent it to me. And I don't want to watch that shit. And then somebody put it on MySpace or one of those. It was that long ago? Yeah. And we clicked on one day. I was high and I watched the first two minutes.

And I got to tell you, I was blown away. I was embarrassed. I turned it off. But I couldn't believe how I was saying the story. And I had fucked up at places. I know I told him like he was a Marine. I had fucked up at places. but I still told the story.

So how long have you been doing comedy the way you're doing comedy now with the stories? Five years. That's it? Four years. But the last year has been something completely different. Once I went back to the store... So right around the time we met, that's crazy.

That lit the fire under my ass. I'm a different comic than when I started hanging out with you than what I am today. So that's interesting, right? If you think about that, and you are. I mean, what you're doing on stage right now is brilliant. It's not brilliant. It's completely...

It's completely fucking different. I think a lot of people think it's brilliant. No. It's very, very funny. Let's put it that way. But that's a good thing to kind of bring up, right? I mean, you had these things. You had these TV shows.

You had the longest yard. But there was a reason that people weren't coming after it, right? There's a reason. And I think it was because of what you were doing on stage. You know, and if you look at what's happened to you, I hear so many comedians that just go, you know, I should be out there hustling. I should be talking to agents more.

I should be, you know, sending my demo reels or my headshots to William Morris or anything to things. And I keep telling them, like, guys, there's a lot of people who get paid a good amount of money to go find you. There's, they, we'll find you. And I was going to say, how often, like, he was, Joe was saying he sends out, he sent out a lot of resumes. How often, every week, how many submissions do you think an average agency gets? A ton. Oh, my God. So many.

And I feel so bad. I mean, it's such a waste of money and time and resources. And this is, you know, what Joey and I were kind of talking about. You know, we wish you could just tell these communities, like, just focus on your craft. Like, trust, when the time is right, we will find you. Now, Mike, a conversation you and I had. Yes. Because you and I don't lie to each other and I don't lie to either.

Now, let me tell you the other side of this story. Mm-hmm. This is where opportunity meets whatever. Joe Rogan's my brother. I've been running with Joe since 1998 since news radio when fucking Fear Factor premiered I was in New York with him

he bought a Samurai on 48th Street who stops in New York City and what listen to me motherfuckers okay well the summer of Fear Factor we're walking down Manhattan

he's there to announce it I'm going to go do some other fuck work job but he calls me he goes come with me keep me company let's go I'll pay for it I go Fuck you. Let's go to New York. What the fuck? We're walking down Broadway.

He's in a store buying a samurai. On the fucking thing, it's a fear factor with his picture. Like a samurai sword? A samurai, like some statue of a fucking Chinese guy with a hat. That his eyes would blink, okay? He's in there going, Joe, you got to look at this fucking thing.

And I'm in my mind where are you putting this? He goes, what do you mean when I'm putting this on my front door? The eyes will glow at night. I'm figuring if I can put eyes on it. So anyway, I go outside. I got a page, I got $3 in my pocket that I stole from the maid when she wasn't looking. Like that's how broke I am.

Do you understand? Like seriously, I'm telling you guys the truth. But Sopranos is the hottest show. Here's Joe Rogan talking to me on Broadway with his billboard flashing on 42nd Street. But people asking me for my fucking autograph because I think I'm a big pussy. How fucking crazy is that?

That's funny. Now, here, let's talk about Joe. Joe was on news radio. He went out there for peanuts. There were times they were calling for a replacement gig, and he would lose money on the plane ticket and what they were paying them in the beginning. And people coming out to see him from news radio.

And there was like a year lapse. Once he got on Fear Factor, people started coming out by the droves. And I guarantee, like a lot of other people, a lot of people left there very disappointed. They thought it was going to be a quirky host. They ran into a good comic. And somebody who talks about politics,

on icebergs and rocket ships and is very intelligent in his material. But he kept half that audience. And then when that show ended, he did something else. Then he got the UFC. And he's built that. He's built that audience over the fucking years.

Now, I've known Joe since 98. I've opened for Joe in every fucking improv in the country. But guess what? Guess what, guys? I did something that I did not know I was doing that I heard somebody else was doing. I heard that Dane Cook answered people. But all of a sudden,

Dan Cook became a star on MySpace. And all of a sudden, against my will, you know me, I didn't even want to text. At that time, I was the last one to hold out for a fucking cell phone. I didn't go over the cell phone until 94, baby. I'm not going to lie to know, but that held on to that red page. That thing went underwater. That thing had blow on it, acid.

I had minerals. I shut it up with chick's pussy. That blow, that pager was. with gold. Every time I went out with Joe, I would do blow and I'd go back to my room, even when I lived on Schrader, and people go friend you and said, we saw you at Joe's show. This is eight years ago, and I would friend those people and say, thank you for coming out. All those people I friend it, I guarantee 10% are still lingering around somewhere or another, because I had the opportunity to go on the road with a guy that was drawing more than I could ever, ever in my life

dream. But I would always prepare those sets. This is my chance to go. This is the All-Star game. And I got a fucking chance at bat. These people don't know I've been to prison. These people don't know about addictions. These people don't know I canceled planes. One time I left my luggage and walked out of the airport and got arrested LAX. I was so paranoid on cocaine for a night before. I got no reason to lie to nobody in this room. And here I'm getting a shot. There were nights I go to the comedy store, Lee. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. But when I would do those Joe Rogan sets, I would sit down.

While they were out doing push-ups and shit, and they thought I was in my room doing blow. I was writing the craziest shit I was going to write in my life and say it. And guess what? Out of those 1,200 people, I made 30% of those people, my fucking people, that now listen to the podcast. Do you understand me? I was very intelligent.

And when they moved to Facebook, they came with me to Facebook. Look, now I answer them. And now they came to Twitter. And I know comics get sent messages on Twitter. Guess what? I'll answer them. If I see the fucking thing, I'll talk to you back and forth. If I'm on there, rocking and rolling.

If somebody says they came to the show, they bought tickets, ask them. I say, thank you. And I'll see you there. That's an extra move. So over the years, that gift, that's the gift that I didn't do before. I thought, oh, I'm on a TV show. Call the fucking club. you know call ICM

Tony Joe Diaz got 40 of these on a TV show No I had to work it from the other end Yeah Where's fucking Tony Bennett What are you here? Looking at me? Oh weird from Big motherfucking mic in the house in there

Lisa yeah how you feeling buddy You want to eat this little purple dot It's only 10 milligrams I've had 325 million Yeah stop stop lying to the cops I'm not lying Show the rappers All of a sudden the rappers don't have labels

on them. The one I do doesn't use labels. This ain't the one I do. I bought this from the Russians. You're giving out the information that's not yours to give up. Why are you throwing the one I Jew into this conspiracy? Why are you throwing the one I Jew into this fucking conspiracy?

We've got to get some court at somewhere. No, but you can't mention it. He's at home right now, fucking smoking opium getting this dick suck with a bagel. You know, whatever the fuck they eat on New Year's good for help the fish or fucking white fish or whatever the fuck they eat. Anyway, you know, love you, Jewish people. Happy New Year to you.

I hope it's a better new year and you make more fucking money and you take over. We'll start a little neighborhood in Cuba fucking rendezvous in Havana. What's up, Ball Sniffer? You felt good today, didn't? Your Uncle Joey took you at 10 in the morning. You rolled around. Men sweated on you. They choked

you. Today was like the day the first day I did the elliptical. I went home and I just fell, I just fell asleep. Good. You deserved that. I couldn't. I couldn't help. He did fucking great today. He was sweating. He was drenched. It was tough. It's hot.

It's hot. He stuck that little fucking Orschwood's foot right in my fucking leg. I had him in a half guard, and he fucking put his toe in there and broke the fucking half guard. His toe got right in there. He was one of those little juke toes.

One of those little New Year's toes. What did he say? Like the foot that kicked Jesus or something? Yeah. The whole juries and class. He got the foot that kicked Jesus. You know how we do? Yeah, that's your, I'm telling you, you have an uncle.

He was there when they were kicking Jesus. The little Jew feet, you can tell when they were laid to something, he was kicking Jesus. Pontius Pilate went around and got people with feet like here. He said, we gotta do a good job. People who kick Jesus. Why I come up with that one? I hate them. I don't know, Jesus Christ.

But it was fun. I'm really liking the small class. And then Nick, we had him on the podcast. He was one of the guys who did the stick fighting. Sure. He's fucking crazy. and it's uh you're looking better

your hair's growing you're calling it back I guess I wish fuck bro Pisha you're doing this I took that one of I was young like 12 or 14 but then they came out with the side effects

so we stopped What are the side effects Yeah you can't get a heart on Fuck that You can always get that A little stubby heart And shit

Little stuff What does I say to you You did you just fall asleep No I'm not falling asleep I'm fucking gonna say something To him I had a brain fart Happens at this time of the night.

I mean, now, in this market today, let's be honest, beside the Chelsea handler people, who we're talking, it's very tough to just be on TV and attract people. And I know Hansi Ansari's one of them that's been on TV. He's got a couple specials. But it's transferred. It's over now. It's over to the internet.

People do that. Like the Vine stars and YouTube stars are doing that. They just, have you seen like the, like, the, like right at the fricking comedy store. That YouTube guy has a billboard on that hotel. I don't know.

So I think that's what it's transferred to. Yeah, but even that's very difficult. I mean, it's very, very hard to break through. You have to be great, you know, to be able to really sell tickets, you have to be, if you want to do it for the long term, I mean, you can have a pop.

People, people that are mediocre, they come up with some kind of catchy video or some song or some big, bit that blows up, but in order to maintain it, you have to be great. You have to constantly work, and you've got to be doing exactly what you're doing. You've got to be at the store at the Laugh Factory, you know,

at the comedy seller, at the stand in New York. I mean, you know, you have to be at these places constantly writing and, you know, really taking that approach of doing a new hour every year and a half, something like that. It's not even about the hour, Mike. It's about evolving. Exactly.

You know, I go out sometimes, I'm embarrassed. I got white fucking hair. And I'm standing next to 25-year-olds. I could be their uncle two times. You know what I'm saying? And you're embarrassed. You're like, what the fuck are they coming here for? Don't they know?

Don't they have an idea? And in this, what we're doing now, you have to open up yourself. Listen, a great example. Last comic stand. First three or four seasons, everybody who was associated with the show did great. The ones who stayed out there

were the ones that had been done. doing comedy for a while. Right. And even then, you know, Ralphie Mae is a great example. When was he in last comic standing? 22 fucking years ago?

He's still out there, bang it out. There's reasons for that. He was always a great comic. When he got on there, he was just at his real peak of busting the fuck out there. So he's built that fan base

over the fucking years. But a lot of them, you don't even hear from no more. There's very few of them now. Like, the only is a few that I can think of. And I love those guys. I had tons of fun. friends that were on that fucking show.

Eliza Schlesinger was a winner. She's still out there banging it out. Yeah. Who else? Felipe? Our buddy, the black dude. I moved to Arizona, came back. He's hosting the show now. Alonzo Bowden. Oh, okay. Was a finalist. Rich Voss is still out there

from time to time, torturing people. I love that motherfucker. I see him in the store and he was leaving. I wish we could get him on the podcast for some laps. There's still a lot of guys that maintain because A, at the end of the day, when you go on a Friday night, these guys deliver. I've always believed in, you know, you come to the fucking show.

Listen, anybody in this fucking room, I wish I was still a feature act. I wish I could go into a club, let Lee do 10 minutes. The bartender comes over, slips a package in my hand. I give him 40 bucks. I put it in my top pocket in case the cops come. The emcee does 10 minutes. Guess what? Uncle Joey goes up there

does 30 minutes of material in 22 so they don't stop fucking laughing I get off the stage Thursday night I do a couple bumps I'm out of there it's off me it's off me guys I don't give a fuck what happens the rest of the night you think I give a fuck if that guy can follow me

or not after a while after a while I learned that I was part of a show right but I was a feature for fucking you know 18 19 fucking years I know how to fucking feature You want me to do 30 minutes I'll do fucking 24

Watch You better open up the fucking door Because I'm gonna come out of there Like a barracuda I got nothing to lose I got I just go straight And I get the fuck off stage

And I go get my dick sucked And do blow Once you become a headliner It's a complete different Responsibility I wish I could still go out And do 20 minutes And not give a fuck

Whether they laugh Don't laugh Drink Don't drink I don't give a fuck but to become a headline it takes something else. Now you have to start caring about them.

Even when I went on the road as a headliner for years, do you think I gave a fuck about them? I'm only going to go out and do blow. I don't give a fuck about these people whether they like me or not. I'm getting a paycheck. The part-time that he's Mexican,

he's already got his cousin over here on a bicycle. You know what I'm saying? I got sleeping pills in the room and this little waitress says she likes to party. You think I'm worried about these people? I'm not even going to come back here next year. I'm going to be on a TV show next year.

That's what I would tell myself, fuck these people. But for me to go out every week and maintain it, I got to fall in love with the audience, I got to keep writing, and I got to keep evolving. Listen, some people can write really fast, some people can't. I know if I give you a quick 20, take a picture with you and give you a hug,

we're straight. We're straight. We have a good time, we laugh. Next time you see me, I have a new fucking 40. That's just the way life the fuck is. Maybe not. Maybe I have a new hour 10. If you know me, I'll have an hour 10.

But who the fuck knows? Yeah, but the year later, most of it will be new. Did you see that Kevin Hart just filmed a special at Eagle Stadium? Yeah. You know, when I went out with Joe Rogan, Mike over here told me a story about Kevin Hart. Tell him what happened with Kevin Hart. Tell him what happened with Kevin Hart.

I'm going to equate it to what I do with Rogan. Tell him. It was such a great, you know, the way he built that whole thing. He talks about on the Marin podcast. And I want to say it was SoulPlaying. one of these big movies that he had that just kind of came out and he thought that was going to be it. And it just tanked. It just didn't do anything for it.

And he calls his agent at the time and he goes, put me in every single club. I don't care how much money I make every week. I want to be on the road every single week. And he goes, tell him to just fill the room. Just comp it out. Fill. I want every fucking seat packed. And I'm going to turn those people into my people.

So you'd go to the Houston Improv or whatever. and he'd go, just feel it. I don't care who they are. I don't know if they've ever heard of me or whatever. I'm going to put on such a good show that they're going to become my people. And he would kill it. And he did, you know, you'd have three or four hundred people in the audience that wouldn't know who he was. They just signed up for, you know, a free ticket for something.

Hey, let's go to a comedy show. Great. This guy has a, you know him from Soulplane. You know, he had enough credits that people would come in and see him. And he would sit there after every show with a clipboard. And he would just get email addresses from every single show. and, you know, it turned in from 2000 a weekend to whatever it was to 5,000. And he started building that audience, and he kept doing it on time and time and time again,

kept writing, kept writing, kept writing, kept hustling, and built it and basically got to the place where he could go to a studio and say, hey, if you want my fans that I now control and I talk to on a regular basis, you're going to pay me whatever it is, a million dollars a movie. I don't know how much money he makes a movie. but I would imagine it's probably around, you know, a couple million bucks a movie. And he did that because he built it all himself. No different than what you're doing or what, you know, Dan Cook did at the time. And it's such a good story for every comic to sit there and go, okay, instead of waiting for Hollywood to come around, instead of waiting for the right role to come around.

I mean, this was his role. I mean, that movie was supposed to be everything. And instead of just sitting there and bitching and whining, he goes, put me on the road. Let's go. Let's go hit it. And he created his own opportunity. And he did it by working his ass off. And that's something that every comedian out there can do.

And it's one of those things, you know, I hear it all the time where, you know, they go, oh, man, I'm killing. I'm killing. I don't understand. And it's like, okay, but are you talking to these people? You go play a club. I've been to the best story, Joe. I think I told you this. My roommate at the time was a while ago, he started dating this through Chick.

and this girl goes, oh, I've never been to a comedy show. And I go, great, go to the improv, you know, telling my name, and you'll be fine. They'll take care of you the whole thing. And she calls me afterwards, and she goes, that was one of the best nights of my life. And she's giving me the headliner's materials. She's telling me these stories and the jokes and the whole thing. And she's like, I love this guy. He was so funny.

And I go, that's great. Who was it? And she goes, I don't know his name. I forgot his name, but he was so funny. And I go, my God, Joe, this is what's happening to so many of these comics out there. They're going out there and, you know, they're being funny, but they're not doing anything. They're not talking. They're not going out there.

I mean, all those little tiny things that you can do, they're not collecting an email address. They're not putting out an album. I mean, you know, one of the things I keep trying to kind of educate people on is, you know, we should be giving this audience things every single time. So if you're really are that funny as a comic, if you really are that great, you know, go record an album for $300 and give it away to people in exchange for an email address. You know, give them a podcast every single week where you can, you know, you can, you can, you know, you can show. show your point of view and go out there and do it. There's no need with how easy it is. There's no need to sit back and wait for Hollywood to find you.

It just doesn't make any sense. And that's just not a way to make a living. You're waiting for some casting director to decide, you know, whether your eyebrows fit this role or not. That's, I don't know. It's a complete different game. It's a complete different game. Mike, it's a complete different game.

I went to a place today and I know the girls are actress and she works. And, okay, you know, I'm an old man. I don't expect to go out every week. This girl, not only is she young, she's a fucking knockout. She goes, I haven't been on in four months. She told me the agency, they're a big-time agent. Four months she hasn't been out.

To an audition. Yeah. Things aren't what they used to be anymore. You know, they have too many different markets where they're shooting. I don't know what they are. Here's the beauty, right? So what is she doing? And this is always my kind of question.

Okay, is she going to the UCB? Is she going to groundings? Is she going to acting classes and doing the right things? Is she doing Internet sketches with her friends? Is she doing funny or die videos to be seen out there? I mean, there's always something that somebody could be doing, right? Maybe she is and she's just not getting in love. But if you really are that talented and you really are capable of booking something, it'll come.

You just got to put yourself out there. I mean, that's the one of that I've never seen anybody that's that funny that hasn't gotten the bad. You see what happened last week? With what? That chick with the fat shaming video. Right, yes. Okay. Let's draw it out on the table.

You know how a mistake was? She didn't have a podcast. If I put that video up next week, nobody would say boo because I'm a fucking fat guy. And what I'm telling, well, if she was saying, she made great points, I'm not going to say they didn't tell you, she didn't make it. But the way she did it. So let's say, what do you think? She did it. If she would have had a following, that would have went a complete different way. If she would have had an internet big time following. I don't know how many hits the video got.

Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Well, what do you think would have happened if, like, because her thing is she's getting, she's making, she's being mean to fat people. Like, let's say you were making fun or like it was a racist thing. Do you think it would still be okay? If she did it? And if you did it. Like, I'm trying to think of the equal amount of, like. It's got to come up. It's got to come up with somewhere.

Now, so what's she going to do now? She's going to go on the road through that video? You think somebody called? Do you think fucking... No. No, I don't think she's... He called her and said, we're taking it on the fucking road.

We're going to get 10% of the hits on YouTube. I haven't actually seen it, but I heard it's not that funny. It's edited. So that's where you lose me. When you're a comic, throw that motherfucker at Uncle Joey. Yeah. Me and Lee tape, I fuck up. We start from scratch.

That's why you do comedy. That's why he's not a comedian. Well, they're all comedians. That's what gets under my skin. Not only in my comedian, I've done comedy in Buffalo and a bus theater and a bus station in Albany. There used to be a bus station in Albany that Yoder used to fucking book. What? A bus station on like Thursday night.

By the lockers? You got to go? Give me a couple of minutes. Yeah. Like where would you do comedy of the bus station? Inside. There was a bar. Okay.

And you would spend the night in Albany like down the corner and a hotel. fucking craziness and then you went to Buffalo and then the guy that used to Buffalo was Rob Leeteman at the time and he had a bar and at the time

there was a there was a bar in North Tonawanda that was a wasn't maybe not but I know that this Rob Leademan's bar the comedy place

was in North Tonawanda and he would pack it in that bro he would pack it in there Mike I mean Friday Thursday Friday Saturday with nobody yo to people 800 a week Packerman 20 at the door, eat pizza.

The guy had a scam. Guess what he did in the daytime? He was on the radio in Buffalo. So the place is always fucking sold out. Because he had a free advertisement. Free advertising, he was the man. Don't forget to come down tonight. He had you on the radio Friday morning and Thursday morning if he came up.

But he would, you have to. When you guys know, you're from small towns, right? When you're going to a bar in the Celtics are in the, game four of the playoffs. Guess what? Who gets a fuck about a comedian? They'll turn you off. I don't give a fuck if it's Jesus. I'm making a comeback with the apostles and they're

going to play a song and you're the first one to hear it with the stones. You know, you're from Buffalo. And I remember how to go up during halftime. That was what happened. We came in and he was like, listen, guys, I got bad news for you guys. There ain't no show. There's a Sabre game. My bad. I'm still

going to pay you, but do me a favor. At halftime, each year's go up and do 15 minutes. Lee, you have no idea what I learned that night. You have no idea what I learned that night. How was the crowd not receptive to comedy? Were they throwing stuff at you?

What were they doing? About two minutes away, Lee. I'm standing there at the back of the room and going, I'm not sure about this comedy thing. In fact, you just moved to Jersey and do some coke. I'm on the East Coast. I just take the must of Jersey right now. What year was that? 97.

So right before you moved here? I was living here already. I was living here already. And I was taking buses from Toronto, Canada, to Buffalo, to Albany, to Syracuse, the club in the fucking hotel. I was there with wise guys, and then it became the magician. bought the club from the guy. It sank. And the magician bought it, so he'd open up the club.

He was a good magician, though. And he gave you a bottle of vodka when you got to. an eight ball, nice little place on Saturday. On Saturday the city would log down. Even subway was closed because it was downtown Syracuse at the time. Nothing was open.

It was like going to those commercials and Citibank, hello, hello out there. Like I am legend. Yeah? That's how it was. Jesus. I went all the way down. Then I would go to like Albany, those small towns. I'd do Roger Paul's,

Rascals, and the other place they have a one-nighter up in niac or something or they used to up that way then he had a two-nighter oh at the bottom of a Hindu hotel and he got 15% off at the restaurant it was fucking brutal what's a Hindu hotel

just a Hindu hotel a hotel home by Hindus and the downstairs just smells like Kerry and it's next to a gas station that's it that's it I remember Ralphie went and he broke the bed he left on a Friday come on dog

I took buses I lived Donna Greyhound and went from El Paso all the way up to Toronto and back. And then I would get a Yoda gig, do Wisconsin, Michigan. So this is kind of like the point, if you think about it. So you're making what for those gigs?

Like, how much would you get for a gig like that? $75 a night. $125 if I had a line, 175 if I fucking, happy Russia, Shauna, Judah. So, like, someone like Mike would get, at most, $15? bucks. I didn't have an agent to book me

in those days. No, and that's the other reason. A lot of comments, they wouldn't make money. Go to Mike and go, Mike, I'm funny. I'm on the road with fucking Johnny bananas. Okay, so what are we going to do with you? Well, put me on the road for how much. I can't book Eddie Murphy

for $3 million at Madison Square Garden on New Year's fucking morning because Billy Joel is doing a night show and then call the Funny Bone to book Joey Diaz for a $6.00 feature spot. That's $60. Yeah, but they could do it because I was one of those guys.

I would beg Richie Super. Come on, Richie, call. Get me in there's a feature. $60. When are you going to do it? $60. Four weeks a month. $60.

That's $2.40. What are you going to do with $2.40? Yeah, it's crazy. You know, it's something that most comedians don't realize. And that's the bottom line at the end of the fucking day. Absolutely. That's the bottom line. That $1,500.

You know, if you don't know, typically like a comedy club will pay the lowest fee, though, typically goes like $1,500. 12, the funny bones. Five, six years it goes off from me. Way before I met my booking manager, I got to call one day for 12 for Wednesday through Sunday. Yeah. And this is a true story. And then I bumped into Billy Gardell, and I'm in Burbank. And he was kind of bummed down.

He said he had to cancel two gigs because they had just called him and cut his money. This is way before Mike and Molly. Yeah. And he goes, they cut his money. What the fuck is going on? I go, listen, I'll do it for 12, but there's no Sunday in your world. And how much budget for a plane ticket? They said plane ticket is included in the 12.

I was like, so for 900, I got to fly to your beautiful city and do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I just quit. I said, I'm not doing that. And like three months later, Billy Gardell got Mike and Molly. Now he's opening up a fucking pizza. Yeah. Gardell Brothers or some shit. But that's the thing, right?

That's the bottom line. That entry-level spot is the most competitive spot in comedy. And that's what, you know, most comedians don't realize. And so many people that I talk to, they just go, oh, well, can you just make some phone calls and go in there? And you go, dude, you don't understand. That spot, there's so many comedians that want it. There's so many more comics out there that can kill for an hour that can make $1,500 to $2,000.

That's the most competitive spot. And yet you make no money as an agent or a manager. or whoever. And it actually takes more effort and more work to book that spot than it would to book the spot where $60,000, you know, 60,000 when you're making $6,000 in one pop. And that's why we have to be so selective with who we get behind and it's very, because it's very difficult.

And there's no payout for years. And I would imagine, like, it doesn't look good for you if you're trying to book the 60,000. dollar deals to also be calling them for the six hundred dollar six hundred dollar deal like you kind of have to you know it does if if if if that person's great you know if that person is that good where the club owner's going to go holy crap this guy's unreal um yeah that that part does look good but if if you're in the business of trying to get people 1500 or two thousand dollar weekends um well that's the majority of your business you can't survive no because you need like

10 clients constantly out there and make any sort of living. Yeah. That's a lot of fucking work. That's a lot of work. That's a lot of fucking work. Ten guys.

1,500. That's 600 a month from each guy, right? Yeah. 600 a fucking month. You got 10 guys. What's that? 6,000. 6,000.

So I guess you could do five guys, maybe. By the way, it's also like impossible in those spots. So you're basically asking a club to lose money because you think this guy's that. Great. But then again, you have Chris Rock. Yes. So now, here's fucking Joe's Crab Jack in Bumfield, Mississippi,

and you call him to talk to fucking Lee Syatt. Who's this Lee Syatt guy? Well, he's been on Conan O'Brien. He's been on Mishughey's show. He's been on Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, but I don't know who the fuck he is. Does he sell tickets? Listen, let me ask you something. Chris Rock. It's scheduled this following December with Chris Rock.

I'll get him bottom. Ray, do me your favor. Put this Lisa hat in your fucking club. It's like, I used to do it to the Chinese guy. You promised him. Now you always got Chris Rocklinger. What happened to Chris Rock? He got a movie with fucking Eddie Murphy.

I'll call you next week. And now you're saying? You just milked the fucking, I mean, there's a thousand ways to get the guy in. I remember an expression called the guaranteed feature. When I was in a feature act, somebody came to me once. I'm a guaranteed feature. I go, what's that mean?

That all the comedy clubs have to paint. me 600 a week because Rich Miller said so. So Rich Miller would call other clubs and that was a good way to get other talent from other areas, you know? But for the most part, and you know, let me

tell you something. $600 for a feature act today? It's not even that. I won't name the clubs. There's clubs that just pay you for the sets now as a feature. They don't put you up, wait. Five sets, $100 a set. That's $500. Let's say you fucking, unless you tiptoed out through the fucking tulips, how did you get there?

Even if you drove, you got to knock a do-so for that. Now, let's pretend you're at least I at. You go on that site. What site do you go on? Let's go with Hotwire. Hotwire. You get a hotel for 30 a fucking night. That's four nights.

That's another buck 20. What do you got left with to do comedy? You really got to love doing comedy. Yeah, you could slub CDs and T-shirts, but you're still not the fucking headliner. Right. You're still not that. How many t-shirts are you going to sell? Four, six, seven for the weekend.

If you have a CD for five bucks, you'll sell fucking ten or fifteen of those. But then it's like, I got very lucky when I met you. Because, like, I have people said, like, why don't you start doing this with other comedians? And I think it's very similar with agents. If they're at a point where they're making money and they're successful, they probably have that person. and that means you have to go with people who have who don't have a following yet and aren't making money so it's and then for the people who do make the first

jump at you like those first agents then as soon as you start making money or as soon as the artist starts making money they jump to a bigger agency but here's the bottom fucking line Lisa yet and this is a lot of comics do not realize that Mike will push and he'll stand behind me 100%.

I can't do it by myself. He knows for me to keep growing, the other side's got to do the work, but I got to cover my fucking spread. The first time he has to call me and say, Joey, I just got a call from fucking bum-fucking Indiana. You're not twitting the dates. I don't feel like twitting the dates.

Joey, what the fuck? What the fuck? It's not your contract, but it's a gentleman thing. You want to sell tickets? You want to hit, you follow me? Right. It's those little fucking things.

I have to stay up on my game. in today's world. In today's economy, with comedy, and all the fucking free media that's out there, I don't even know if I'm saying, I'm fucking stone.

All the free entertainment that, because look, our biggest audience right now are nine to five people. So now are people going to go on their computer, put this on, put the fucking earplugs on, and type letters to communists

and fucking listen to this shit. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that's basically the fuck it. That's our biggest market. Right. So it's not TV It's not No no

The podcasting Is definitely now the biggest Draw Don't tell you Before he signs a client What's their prerequisite Right now And today's fucking

What's the first thing You tell me? Well the first thing Obviously You know how How strong is the hour And then And then it's okay

Well what else is there You know Is it the podcast Is it the social media following Is it I mean I don't see a reason Why every comic Should not have a podcast

At this point I don't understand Yeah. It's a medium for you to convince me why it doesn't make sense to have a podcast. There's only three. Louis, Kevin, and Gabriel. Other than that, I can't think of any big ones that don't. Yes.

Maybe Sarah Silverman. I don't know if she does. Sarah does not. But I think a lot of those guys don't have to. They came up in a time that it wasn't necessary. It wasn't necessary. Things worked differently for people, and that's different paths. And everybody, listen, the most important thing about this game is the opportunity is there.

it's what you do with it. I have, like I said, I got to open up for Joe, I got to meet a lot of people through fucking Joe. I took advantage of those numbers. When they wrote on Twitter, I wrote them back. I would go to Milwaukee with Joe. He'd sell out 2,000 seats the next morning, guess who my phone called was to?

I didn't give a fuck what time it was. My agent to say, hey, I opened for Joe last night, and there was 2,200 people in there. Call Milwaukee, the first fucking thing you do today. But I don't understand because there was 20, 200 people. Even if I fucking get 20%, I got a show. I got a weekend. They're going to pay.

Right, yeah. Okay? That's the fucking mentality. I got there. I got an opportunity and I did my 20 minutes. Kevin Hart was brilliant. That was brilliant. Calling your rating and going, get me whatever.

I want to go out there. They're going to put 2,000 seats in and a weekend, 1,600 at an improv. And if you get 50% of that, there's 800. Now you got something. Now plus that 800, four more hundred are going to come. So now you got 1,200. Now you got a small theater or a great weekend at a fucking comedy club. Now the next time you come, you get another 500 attached to that.

Now you got 1,800. In five fucking years, that's the patience. And he probably didn't have to give away free tickets after the first year. No, he just told you the fucking story. After the first year, first time I saw Cheryl Crow, they were giving away tickets. Album dropped. The next time, I paid 20-something fucking dollars. Let me give him some shout-hous.

So we get this guy out of there. He's got to get back on the phone and fucking hustle. Shit, it's fucking Russia Shahn. This is when you make calls. There's a real Jews are on the phone. Most Jews are at home eating salami right now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Waiting for Gabriel to open the door.

Don't they leave the door open for some fucking spirit? Real Jews are on the phone. Jehovah, not Gabriel. All right, whatever his fucking name is. Tim Hofer. This is Gabriel. Jason Brazil. Kevin Zoll.

Matthew Oliveris. Gitch from Clifton. Richard. Richard Maynard, Andrew Nandial. You know, I love you, cocksucker. Thank you for going for the doctor. Maddie's World, Steve Zoh, and DJ Door or something, whatever, DJ Ding. I don't know what the fuck your name is.

I don't know what you do for a living, you know. I'm not in the mood to get into it right now. All right, this weekend, we're in Vegas Saturday Night shooting a special. Next weekend, New York City at Gotham's, and the week after that, the Toledo fucking Funny Bone. Go on their website for ringtholes in times. Don't be bothering me with those fucking questions. are.

What, Lee? What's the problem? You don't want to eat this last star? No, I don't want to eat this. Right now there's a kid in Africa where flies in the fucking corner. Thirsty as fuck. And if I go over there with this,

Storn, Tom. You're going to make him more thirsty? No, I wouldn't. I'm thirsty as fuck right now. There's a T.H.C. killer right now. Would you eat this right now? And I'll bring you a steak in an hour.

He would eat this. And you're turning this down. This is what I got to deal with you. Yeah, but you're not going to bring me a steak. What do you want to eat? What do you want to eat? You're milk shakes? We never go get milkshakes

Because you tell me that you count your points And God forbid The wife finds out we're eating milkshakes Then I gotta get a fucking ear beating I don't need this aggravation of my life I'm trying to put shit together here You are doing a great job With what you do

Thanks man I wish I wish I could be more helpful I'm not sure Did any any questions you think that Comedians could Well you even Just from because Joey always tells me I'm going to be a manager

and it's a hard thing to know like he we were talking the other day and he said you're going to start contacting people and start presenting yourself but it's hard to know how to do that and like what level of comedian to go for and then it's um it's crazy how you're talking earlier how you don't get a lot of the credit but it sounds like some managers and agents do guide careers and it's kind it's like a lot to even think about where would I even start. You and I might both know it as bad agents, great managers, bad managers, but there are managers and agents that have done great job and given great clients great advice over the fucking years.

There's good and badness, people who know more than others, more people in the game, you know. A couple years ago, a comedian wasn't doing too well, and he thought he'd fucking do some shit and he started doing some shit with some tubes and a microphone and all of a sudden he put him on iTunes and people started paying attention to him a little bit and all of a sudden he went to this fucking big-time manager he had

and he said hey I got this going on and the manager goes ha and he fired the manager and the guy went on to be a big store my point being that this manager wasn't in charge wasn't in tune with the future. The future is upon us, and people are not prepared for us. These agencies are really not prepared. SAC doesn't know how to handle the commercials on YouTube.

People don't know what's going on. Nobody really knows what's going on. Eventually the hammer is going to fucking come down, and somebody is going to know what to go on. That's where you come in. You sat here across with me when we were getting 300 downloads on this thing with no sponsors. You sat there across me when we shot a documentary.

You sat there now. We're going to do a special. We've done videos together. This is what the involvement is. You could go to a comedian and go, this is to what I've done right now. Let me get a water over there. You got me over here fucking like a swami.

But that's another thing I've been thinking about, though. And that's another, when I talk to, people ask me questions about podcasts. I think a big reason that we've had success together is because we've done all that and because for the first two months we hung out, we didn't even do it, we just hung out. I don't know if that's possible if you want to have a group of clients. I think if you're looking at a comic and you're thinking of giving him the keys to the kingdom,

showing him a way to become something, but there's also a bargain to that. He's got to keep writing. He's got to send emails. He's got to take pictures. He's got to send out fucking Yamika. He's got to cover all his bases. Eventually, he'll find his knack what avenues to work, and both of his work together.

It's not like you could change somebody's life right now because they're going to want to call you in the morning and go, so what video do I shoot today? What am I doing today? You got to go, well, you put up a video two weeks ago. Let that get 300 more hits. Then we'll get... You follow me?

There's a lot of little things that people do not know, strategies. And right now, when you're sonic client. When you go to Montreal and you see a client, they're 26. You know what, man? I could see this fucking guy. That fucking Gotham City, he's got a fucked up eye. I know one of the writers, and he

told me, you know what, let me talk to him. Let me just see who talks to him first. You sit down and some blah, blah, blah, bah goes, bababagos, and finally you go over there creeping like a savage and you blah, blah, blah, blah, but right on the spot, before you go out, go up to him, you have to have a plan of what your plan is. Listen, I know Dickie Wilkins. He's one of the headwriters on Gotham.

He's looking for a character like you. Well, we get together on Tuesday for lunch. As a matter of fact, if he's smart the agent, he doesn't really want to sign him. He sees some that nobody else sees. He heard that CBS is doing something with creepy people. This guy looks kind of creepy. This Joey Diaz guy. Let me see if we get him in the cemetery show, whatever the fuck.

This is before six feet under. You read lunch with some fucking schlop. And he says they're doing a show about creepy people on cemeteries. You signed this kid. I saw it done with something in this town. I saw a fucking guy go to Montreal sign this black kid. Black kid was shy. If maybe.

This is 1998. If maybe, the kid had six minutes of material. That's all he had. He took him to a popular club, shot the six minutes, took him to CBS, got him a deal, blah, blah, blah. Put dreds in his head. The kid shot steroids. One day I'm watching USA. There he is the sidekicket to Anthony Michael Hall on one of those fucking shows.

Guy did 18 years in the sitcom. He's back in the Bahamas. He took the dreds off. He's back in fucking Chicago, you know, counting fucking dollar bills. He had a plan. Right. He had a plan. Maybe this is a question for Mike then.

But as an agent or a manager to know what the plan has. Because not every comedians are the weirdest people in the world. Joey's not like Steve Simult. and Steve Simone is not like Ari and to know where to guide them, if I try to go to another comedian and do what Joey and I have done, it might work, but it might not fit their personality just right and fails. Yes. So what I've been thinking about is that you really have to get with somebody

and go out with them for two months and hang out with them and just know them. At the end of the day, you know, what Mike's job is in today's society. And today is to pour gasoline on a little fire. For example, whoever did the job with Ari Shafir, they poured gasoline on a little fire. It started with a storyteller show. And the fire spread like what's going on in Fresno right now. I'm not making fun of nobody.

I'm just telling you the truth. They started with a cell. Ari is a terrorist. It started with a fucking story. tell his show for $5 in the back room. Ari hadn't done a fucking commercial in 22 fucking years. His commercial career was done. He knew it. He was always out of town.

I don't know. I don't want to go down to 200 South LaBray. Ari, there's a nice sandwich shop across the street. I don't know. I'm tired. I was at the store till 4 in the morning and last night. I'm blowing it off. Fuck it. I'm not even calling off. He said he would walk into

auditions. Look at the date. And if he was going to be out of town for the callback, I'm not going in there. You know, go in there, book it. They'll change the dates. They'll work something. But he's had an idea. And it was just so now,

his agent had to go in there and just throw a little droplet of gasoline on it. And then spread more. Keep spreading gasoline. And hopefully that fucking ignite will get over there. That was Ari Shafia. We all saw it happen in front of our fucking eyes. We saw the show go from the fucking improv dungeon

They didn't even sell Serve alcohol back there To, you know, Thursday nights at 11 o'clock On Comedy Central And it got good numbers Well, they wouldn't be shooting season fucking two right now Don't be born smoking, nobody's fucking ass It wasn't like, oh well

What do you think? Should we vote on Army? Let's go out and get drunk And throw dicing into the wall, no So it was a great fucking idea They flamed a little firely Yes, I do believe You should start a personal relationship

But him for two or three months and get to know this person, you're about to invest a bunch of fucking time. Once Mike signs you, you got to get on the phone and start licking stamps and calling people, and now I got to send him, Joey, did I tell you,

I fucking made it to number one in Canada on iTunes? Email me that, please? Yeah, that relationship really matters. And I think, you know, we, you just got to, like, figure it out. You know, that's the beauty of it.

The same way you did this, right? You got together with somebody. you kind of brainstorm, you failed a bunch of times. You figured, oh, this is how to not do this anymore. Okay, great. Now we can figure out how to do it. And it's just years and years of just putting in the time, but not, you know, on a Saturday you're spending four hours with them trying to figure it out

instead of watching TV. You know what I mean? Those are the kind of things that will make you, I don't know, end up building, being able to figure out what those moves are. And look, no one has all the answers. It's just it's a matter of experience, right? It's a matter of failing a ton. I mean, you could go out with your relationships right now.

You could go out and run, you know, take over a night on a Tuesday in North Hollywood of Big Whangs and say, I'm going to do a comedy night. And you could put seven comics up there and you could see who kills it. And you could promote it on the podcast and you could probably sell it out every single night. You could have the hottest room in L.A. And then you could build a podcast, you know, area based off of that. You could build a little network based off, okay, who kills on my Tuesday night show? Great. I'm going to do that. I'm going to get that guy's own podcast and I'm going to build it from there. And you could have your own little management company based out of the valley that could be very, very successful doing nothing really different than what you're doing right now.

And it's just a matter of you doing it versus talking about it. I mean, that's really the difference. Okay. So, well, first of all, you might be a genius, Mike. But, okay. So the comedians I get to meet are usually. medium to higher level. Yes. If I invite them to my show, they might do it, but I'm not going to convince them come to the Flying 2 management. So it would have to be smaller comics.

First of all, you're a Jew. You're showing up on a number. You're showing up with somebody already in your fucking pocket. There's a lot of people that don't want to work, man. That's the other hand. Totally. They don't want to show. You know the people.

We've discussed this where he was 20 minutes late again, the third week in a row. He doesn't really want to do a fucking podcast. This is something else to him. You know, we put time into this. We discuss it. We call each other. I torment you.

I ask you stupid questions. We get high together. Sorry, that's a really good idea. I'm just thinking about your idea. It's a great idea. You should also start a podcast to teach people how to podcast. I mean, look at all this equipment stuff in here. It's amazing.

And the trial and error that you've gone through could save people tons and tons of time. I've been doing the consulting. But then I'm trying to do, I was thinking of doing a paid course, but yeah, maybe I'll just do a free one. I would just do it for free. I mean. And do it as a podcast. You're a smart man. That's why he's sitting where he's at.

That's why he never signed me as an agent. He's a smart man. We always kept a friendly relationship. I call him up when I'm in a bind, though I got a question. That's why he's on the podcast. Because I always, I know there's comics sitting at home going, what's my next move? Yeah. there's a ton of comics

I bump onto on the road that are fucking hilarious they're fucking hilarious they got it they're onto something you could tell you've been there you know what it's like when you're clicking you're giving the headline of a little trouble people are clapping for you a certain way

and they're stuck they're scared they ask you what do when I moved to LA what happens and some people come out man go to the store do three sets and three arts is there or ICM is there or innovative is there, whoever the fuck is there. And there's other people who go to the fucking coloring book

and they're banging out from fucking day one. That's just all it really is. You know, and it's not giving up. But the funny thing is that everybody gets an agent and thinks their day is made. They don't think that's where the work starts. When I first signed with SBV, I would only bring them eight head shots at a time.

They would submit those eight heapshots every week. they would ask me, why do you fucking bring us head shots instead of bringing us a bunch? I'd say because I'm not doing nothing with my day and you remember me every fucking week. Every week I'd walk in to SBV into the things.

There was a box that said, Joey Cook or Diaz and I put eight headshots, leave and I come back every Monday. Second thing I did every fucking Monday. And from there, I went to the coloring book and talked to them for 20 minutes about whatever the hot movie was or whatever. I didn't give a fuck.

I didn't want them to ever forget me. Then I hooked up with Pablo Francisco for a weekend. And he told me you're doing it all wrong. You got to take your agent to a strip club. And then I offer him some Coke and get them all invested and fucked up. That's how you get them to work for you. And I'm like, I don't know about that one. I don't like fucking strip clubs.

I got to walk in there with a fucking God. He could be a part-time fucking racist or rapist, whatever the fuck he is. A racist racist racist. I swear to God. I had an agent, theatrical agent, but I would sell a pound of weed once a month. Because he was selling weed. But on the weekends, he would rent himself out and go to these little city towns and do talent pageants. And then fuck the 18-year-olds and come back and show me the pictures.

Fucking, this guy was an agent with the suit, the whole fucking thing. I mean, it was just, Lee, you're okay? You're into Zamboville. Let's do the fucking sponsors. We'll get the fuck out of here. September 14th, 2015. Two more days is a 33rd anniversary when I rubbed the jewelry store. I always light a candle that day.

I was thinking about it. I knew it was a fucked up. You let a candle for the jewelry store? Sure. For everybody involved? You never know. You never think of calling them up and... Apologizing. No, just talking to him. Like, it's been dirty three years. I still got some chains.

Look at Lee Crack and Fonty's and shit. Sending them pictures of it. Lee, look at Lee. Crackling Follies and shit tonight, Lee. gentlemen on Monday, I don't need this aggravation. Listen, you're thinking of quitting smoking, wherever you're allowed to hang out, you can't

smoke, or you could smoke an ESIG. Stop the fucking horizon right now. Here these sigs... What's the matter, Lee? Let it go ahead. Here these sigs are the best e-cigigrant out there in the market right now. 1,200 guaranteed motherfucking pups.

You're not going to get that for fucking what you got at these little stores and shit like this. And it tastes tremendous. If you're thinking of They've quit and they got them in 24, 16, and 8 milligrams, and the cigar. The beauty about this thing is, I've had this for like fucking two months. Are you kidding me or what? It's like smoking a motherfucking coheban blowing smoking their face and shit. Anyway, go to Hiddy Cig right now.

They got a special deal. What's the deal? E5 for Cinqueinta for $50 fucking. $10 a piece, $1,200 guaranteed puffs. You'll be smoking e-cigarettes for the rest of the fucking year. beginning of 2016. Go to Eheese 6.com right now. Pressing what, Lee?

Lee, press in what? Joey's church. And get five for 50 beans, all right? Number two, you know who I love. On it, staying on it. Again, shroom tech today. Lee didn't want to take his. I took mine and I fucking the kettlebells and everything.

I asked you if you wanted some shroom tech today. You told me, no, you were scared. Your little fat heart was beating. The ghee was making your hot and shit. I almost die. He almost died. Anyway, go to honor. Because you didn't take the shroom tech.

Anyway, go to honor.com right now and look at the great selection of products they have from alpha brain, the complete earthgrown neutropic to the, to the T-Raser, the testosterone powder to the MCT. I'm sorry. I'm a loss of words tonight. But listen, do me a favor. Stop fucking around and I'll stop fucking around. Go to honor dot com right now. Go to look at the great selection of products to have read-up. Read up, I guarantee it's going to blow your mind.

My favorite is the hemp protein, the cocoa, fucking tremendous 16 grams of scoop. Two scoops, 32 grams, that's what the body assimulates. Forget about it. You throw a fucking banana in there, some coconut milk, who's better than you? Stop it. Go to honor.com right now and check out all the great selection of products. Pick one, anyone, and start your life living correctly. They even got blenders, they got everything.

I can only get your 10% off on the supplements. I can't do none for you on the water. weights and all the other stuff. So go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. Boom. There you go. And get 10% off your first daughter,

tell them uncle Joey sent you. And also, my main motherfuckers, my cousins from western New York, New Jersey. NailedItLife.com. If you smoke vapor pens, they got the premier vapor pen on the

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You called my man Peter Boom, he gets his ship to you overnight No fucking around Big shout out to On it Hiddy6.com Nailed your life. My main man, Mike, for coming out. Lee Syatt, you're a beautiful man. Thank you, buddy.

Don't forget this Saturday night. I'm taping this special. I'll be there, too, and Sunday if you don't want to hang out. If you want to come out, Leo Bia there, eating some anarchy edibles, some stars of death. Next week, I'm in NYC. And the week after that, I'm in Toledo, Ohio, at the Funny Bone, all right? Get the steak and shake, right?

I won't be it. Listen, that's your fucking style. You're going to be at the steak and shake. I'm not going to go to fucking steak. No, I don't go to, I can't go no more because I got to watch my fucking fake. I see you at the hot dog cart. Fuck, stop it. Why are you throwing me under the bus?

You know, I walk past that thing like a fucking, like a victim walking past the police station. Anyway, I love you guys. Don't forget about me. Mike, thank you for stopping by. You know, we had to do it this way because that's the way things are. He's a good man. I want him just to come on and simplify things for people. Thanks, guys.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's all you got for you. Don't contact me and leave me alone. Yeah, I wish I, you know, I'm not a comedian, obviously, but I think it's great. You know, the lack of, the lack of, you know, what's the way to put it? I think there's a million books on how to make it in the music business and how to write a script and how to do this.

There's really no information for comedians, and it's a shame because so much time is wasted away from, you know, writing or performing, you know, spent on sending fucking submissions to agencies and going out and getting head shots and doing all this stuff that doesn't matter. I went to a show

the other day and it was an awful, awful show. And the last 10 minutes of the show, after his clothes, or he stands up there and the guy goes,

look, the only way I'm going to be able to get an agent or a manager is if I get a, you know, a larger social media following.

They tell me this. This is what, you know, people are telling me like Comedy Central, all these guys. And he does this whole 10 minute thing.

After his set, he stands on stage. It doesn't walk off, doesn't do anything. There's this whole, you know, plays the victim and everyone, oh, I need to do this. So if everybody can just pull out their phone right now and follow me on Twitter, it would really help me, you know, move along. And Joey, I just, it was just like, oh, I wish somebody could talk to this guy and go, dude, you're wasting your time. You know, focus on what matters. Focus on being very, very funny.

And then people will find you. Yeah. You know, Ari, speaking of Ari, Ari has an amazing speech that he gives to young comedians that's on YouTube. Google Ari Shafir Comedy Store. He goes in the comedy store and just talks about it. You know, make things that he talks about constantly write and just be in the scene. You've got to be in L.A. or New York. You got to be just hanging out.

Wednesday night's the big industry show at the improv. Just be there. Be there every Wednesday and people will recognize you and they'll see you. And they'll become friends with them and you'll get to know some agents and get to know some managers. People get to know you. you and things will happen. Things will change, you know. So I hope that was helpful.

Any other questions or anything that you have? Let me know. I'm here. That's it, man. Lee's going to start as management company next week. I'm thinking about it. His weekly show at Big Wings. It'll be the hottest show in L.A.

Gentlemen, thank you so much. Thank you very much for answering some questions, brother. Of course. What song we end and then went? Get it together. I don't know. Mo-Doo Child by Jimmy Hendrix. What the fuck.

He's slippingly. You should have known this. You didn't tell me until right now. I told you 10 minutes ago that was Bouduchat. You didn't hear what I was saying. The fucking thing I'm doing here. That one was taking down. The good one from the album. Don't fuck around with lives and remakes.

And last time you put on like a cover band, I almost fell off my chair. You blew my doors off. Where is it? I'm looking for the album version. What are you looking for? It's all live. It can't be all live. There's got to be something on that.

You're over here. fucking with me, Lisa. I put studio in that. I did that. Bam, there you go. Oh, no, this is life. God damn it. That's all right. Play a lot. They were over here waiting on. Okay. Just find something, right? Fuck it.

Yeah, put the volume on. Well, I have to read the hands. Put the volume out. Put some music out for these people. Save these poor people. Oh, Jesus Christ. We had a request to do a thing called, Oh, on the watch chart, but I forgot the words. See, there's no... I think me. You fucked up,

where you hit one of the wrong buttons by mistake again. No, they're all live, too. I put on a whole lot of love. How's that? My Lutzepin. What the fuck? Wanda with some Lutzpon.

Thank you, Mike. Monday, September 14th. We want me to tell you. You know what I got on? I got the morning joint shirt. Oh, shit. Are there at Joey Diaz.comnet yet? Not yet.

A couple fucking days. We're just doing a couple of demos. Just let, motherfucker. fuckers know. My friend got out of jail. He robbed a printer. We're back. You put the music on and you to keep me in. Oh shit. There you go, cocksuckers. I want to thank you guys for watching. Thank you for all the support. Lee Tyad. Thanks you. Mike, you, I'm the cover agent. Thanks you. You're talking about it. Cogsuckers. Love you. Stay black.