The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #318 - Felipe Esparza and Rodrigo Torres

Episode Date: September 17, 2015

Felipe Esparza, Comedian and Winner of "Last Comic Standing" and Rodrigo Torres, Comedian and co-host of the "What's Up Fool?" Podcast along with Felipe Esparza both join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com/joey and check out all of their great snacks   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 09/16/2015.
   Music:
 I'll Never Go Back To Georgia - Joe Cuba I'm Gonna Folow You  Pat Benatar

You're going to start this thing sometime this fucking year. We just have to start recording. I'm tasting. This is going to be good. This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter. I'm doing good right now.

Not you. I'm still laughing at that fucking potion. He told me about that fucking potion. That fucking horror drink. It's delicious. I'll give you a wantonimo bay, butter, hop and milk. Fucking, sussie.

celery. What you say spinach? No spinach, almond butter, 7 days, seven ice cubes. You got to stop. You got to stop. You're making me depressed. You want to beat up Pluto or what? I don't give a fuck about Pluto, though.

How are you eating fucking... Pluto, dog. How you eat fucking spinach like that in a blender with a banana? That's not... It's delicious, dude. I'm telling you, you're going to try it. Oh, I'm just getting a flashback. You can't even taste the spinach.

That's the best part. After with the other shit that's in there, you can't taste nothing. You don't want to taste it. You're sitting there going, why am I drinking this for breakfast? You know what is delicious? You had me with the seven ice cubes. What else? almond milk?

Almond milk. Almond butter. Seven dates? Then you're a banana. Fucking dates. Why are the dates in that? Dates don't do nothing for no body. Sweeten it up, right?

Oh, that's cinnamon. It's tea like horchata. Yeah, that's how they sell it to you. Until you're in the bathroom, 10 minutes later, fucking with spinach strings coming out of your asshole. You're going to read the fucking sponsors? You're going to sit there. Yeah, what?

You know what else is good? What? The statue over here, you don't? Oh, I'll go cue in here. You have a little. You had a fuck stick, please. Fuck stick. Oh, my Christ.

I'm not even the one who's in trouble. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Go to naturebox.com slash joey right now to unbox a world of taste and possibility. Go to nature. Go to naturebox.com slash joey for your first box. of Beyond Tasty, handpicked snacks, send direct to your doorstep. Lee, be like, I ain't leaving that vendor machine, though. You read Meondes?

And so I'm not yet. I'm doing it right now. You're still on fucking Nature Box? Yeah, you fucking... Come on, God. You're talking. We're doing it. 22 fucking minutes to get to start.

Yeah, because you interrupted it. For 21 minutes. Go to Meondies. Go to meundees.com slash Joey and get 20% off of your first order of all the great men's and women's underwear, t-shirts, socks, sweatpants, sweatshirts. Go to meandes. com slash Joey. and they're going to give you 20% off of your first order

with free shipping in the United States and Canada. And go to onit.com and use Code Word Church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, Strongbow, New Mood, Shroom Tech, Immune, Shrote, Sport, Codeboard Church, to get 10% off. Crank that up, Lee. We ain't going out. When Spanish people start whistling, it's all over.

Kick that, Lee. Kick it, Lee, the music. Not you, you fuck. Kick it. Oh, shit. Oh shit The church motherfuckers September 16th

2015 Kicking it Mexican and Independence Day Right Yeah Oh shit I never go back to Georgia Fucking tremendous

These Puerto Ricans Tremendous Go back to Georgia Drop Let me keep fucking playing After the rhythm Are you kidding me or what Half these fucking mutts are probably going to

kick that motherfuckerly Dan, tan, tan, tan. Are you fucking kidding, man? Can you imagine having these Puerto Ricans from next door to you? And they do rehearsal on Tuesday nights. They're frying bananas. You're just sitting in your room like a fucking boppy talking to your mother.

Her name is Louise. She's boring you to pieces. And also these fucking spicks the next door listening to this shit, what are you going to do? You stab your mother and put her under the fucking couch like Jeffrey Domit. Fuck you. You bore me to pieces, you fucking bitch. I'm going next door with the specs.

I don't give a fuck. Something good is coming out of that fucking doorknob. I'll be able to do the plate. Because when this shit was playing, this is 1960, late 60s, early 70s. People were still in Manhattan, the Irish, the Italian, the Jewish. They weren't fucking cool with these people. And also, they showed up with bongo drums and shit. They didn't know how to fucking act.

What's going on, Felipe? What's up, for Chile, my hair? Smiley tonight. Silent Bob is here, the original. Rodrigo Torres. Hell yeah. Family. but turning in the future

just came back from Mexico hell yeah what you dog eating scorpions over there did you see cartels at all they're uh where the place where I'm at was at Sakatega

that's in the middle right next to Halisco and uh Chappos people have been moving in there for like the last year taking out the setas they were there before they're actually bothering people

extorting people and then moving their shit but uh nah they don't fuck with you don't fuck with them that shit's all like if you you know what I mean if you ain't washing money

if you ain't in bed with them you don't have nothing to worry about what did you go back what did you go for. Not bad. There's seven days. I went to go, my cousin got married. Like, my cousin, Paula's mom won't go back unless it's to like...

She'll never go back to Georgia. She'll never go back to Georgia. She won't go back. She never go back to Tijuana. Well, she'll go back to, like, see a visitor's son briefly, but like, she won't go anywhere else. She's scared. Of that, all that bullshit going on?

Yeah. It's more hyped than anything, but if you don't go back there, you are looking susceptible to that man, head change and shit. And then her, like, Paula's aunt comes and she still lives in Mexico. And she said, like, down there, like, moms hope that their daughters marry drug dealers. Like, it's like, what makes the most money. And even though it's dangerous. Like, that's what she said.

I don't know if that's true. Fuck being poor, dog. It's either if you're in politics there or that shit or if you're, like, mad business people. And the biggest industrial places in Mexico's, Mexico City, Monterey, and fucking, uh, Guilajara. You know, it's real interesting if you, the border towns. You bump into fucking people now. And you get into a conversation within the first eight minutes,

darkos comes up. It's all fucking... Everybody's talking about it right now. And it's weird that as I, you know, I'm going to watch it again. You know, I'm going to watch it all over again.

Are you really? On Netflix? Yeah, you got to watch it twice. I'm watching it right now. Yeah, you're watching it. And it's pretty interesting. Episode, um, what it did.

What it did. You know, everybody talks about Bruce Lee. I had the, you know, people talk about Elvis. I heard a, I heard a fucking Elvis song. a week ago on the radio dog, I had to pull over.

I'm serious. By Bank of America had to pull over to the right. I picked myself up in the car. It hit you hard? What the fuck was? Just a regular stupid Elvis song. You know, people that lived to see those in the beginning, yeah. Can you imagine being around when Elvis came on?

You got to see that. You know, I don't understand that. I don't understand how we're a little younger. We didn't see the Beatles and Shay's st. There was how many people there were welcome to Beatles and people were fainting? I've been around a thousand people. I never saw nobody fainting. But in the 60s, people would faint and yell and, you know, we weren't around to see that.

So we don't know that feeling, bro. I was there to see Bruce Lee. I was very fortunate to be in a room and little boys were just out of a shower in a Catholic school and we got to sit around with a nun and watch TV at night. And also the commercial for Chinese Connection came on. And there was silence. He sucked the energy out of the room. Like he was doing the Green Hornet.

You know there was a Chinese guy in a Green Hornet and his name was Cato and he threw kicks. Now it was completely different. So I got to live it and then he died and I got to see how it changed the country. In your lifetime, you guys have that fortune to see things how it happened. We're seeing

this weed revolution. You grew up in Los Angeles. 15, 20 years ago, they bust you down and fucking wherever you're from. Pico Doree, whatever the fuck you're from. Pico Garden, Royal Heights. Boyle Heights representative. One joint, you're done.

Do you understand? You'll be done. Right. So now you've seen it. You've seen the weed stores. To me, it was very foreign. I remember, and I tell people this all the time, bro. I was there with Felipe, we were 15, and we would take little hits of mescal.

And giggle and smoke pot and hook up with the Garjulo brothers on 76th Street. And then we'd crush the mescaline up and smoke it. And at the end of the night, you and I came home and you'd say, Coco, what did you spend? $6. We bought us We split a 12 pack of nips There were four something Two dollars a piece

And it was three for the head of masculine Everybody in this country was set on masculine And a little reef and a little fucking beard And all of a sudden Some kid called you into a room And said come here for a second You ever do this bro What is it? It's cocaine

What are you doing? Do this, smell it It's a powder bro It's amazing You could fuck for hours If you play basketball you could slam dunk. In fact, when you jump up the basket,

then all of a sudden, how much? $100. I got $100. And all of a sudden I saw the evolution. So I seen it hit. I seen black people running around Harlem with no shoes on looking for crack. You know, then you saw the crack epidemic. Yeah.

You were olden up to sea and lived through. So now you're seeing it from the back end. Oh, that's where it comes from. That's where it comes from. It started in fucking Chile. and the cockroach didn't die and he made it to Columbia and he sold the packets to fucking Escobar

and Escobar figured out how to fucking move it across the board and not one kilo, 60 kilos and then 1020 kilos and then, you know, next thing you know what were they moving? 2000 and you can't, when you see these statistics you can't really believe this. Like if you look at this, okay, so they

were getting it, they were smuggling a ton is 2,000 pounds. Right. So they were saying they were smuggling what, a month into the United States, two metric tons. Two metric tons. I used to get so coked up and making a confession to everybody here. During my addiction,

the 30-year addiction, I went through different phases. I went through the mathematical Joey Diaz. There's a mathematical Joey Diaz that would get coked up and start figuring out if he had a kilo, and he cut it with 20 ounces. How much he would make? And how much if he distributed it? I swear

to God, then I became the musical Joey Diaz. Or I started taking out encyclopedias and looking at the history of music bands and what if earthman and fire got together with Casey and the Sunshine Band? You know what I'm saying? Like who would be the bass player? What are you talking about? You have no fucking idea

what I'm talking about, okay? That's the waste of time and then I got into the, what was the other Joey Diaz? There was like six different Joey Deers. Or you have no idea. Whenever I did cocaine, it was another mind fuck. I wanted to be alone because I wanted to get a piece of paper

and pen and I'd become philosophical Joey Dears and try to write like Ben Franklin quotes. Fucking terrible, but you go through all these dumb things with Coke, you know, like you get the paranoia. When I first did Coke, nobody got paranoid. Nobody.

People did Coke and giggled. What's up, dog? I love you. They tell you long stories and shit for hours. You got to sit there and make believe and shit. You know, and then all a sudden people are like, hold on one second. You hear that? And all of some people come over and fuck up your whole party. Because they hear voices.

Yeah. Let me look out the window. And all of a sudden, you're like, let me look out there. I mean, Irby's looking out the fucking window. Everybody's got to go. My friend, the neighbor's seeing fucking door going back and forth. People come in and out. People coming in and out.

But it's really interesting to see this narco show because it shows you their perspective. How they were attacking us with cocaine. Well, they said at the end, they were making $65 million a day, like more than GM. Like, not more than $65 million more, but more than GM. Not $65 million a day. Tax percent. A day. 60 million a day, guys.

And who's the number one fucking exporter of that? We are. We are. He doesn't sell that to a pharmacy. No. He didn't sell that to Rouse at wholesale, or he didn't go to CVS. He sold that to fucking people who are going to move that. If you figure that out into what we were snorting in the beginning, you'd be how much, how crazy we went.

So here's the only question I had about the show. They fly it over to Miami. right? Yeah. Is he, does he run the dealers or does he, is he just a wholesaler? He's a wholesale. So he makes his money immediately. It doesn't matter what happens.

His job, if you figure that, was to get the gram of Coke lower than what it was. He was getting a, he was getting a grant for what he said, $6, $9. He said, $10. And then that guy, he asked, um, Cocharacha, how much would this cost in Miami? And then they hit a hundred. $90 profit per gram. Per gram. So I know he cut it.

I know he had like a flat price on kilos. And then what Carlos laid there did was transportation. So Carlos laid there probably got $300 a kilo. And he said, $300. That's it. Yeah. If I'm moving $10 million fucking kilos a day, $3 a dollar adds up. Hell yeah.

You know, but it's amazing how all that shit was going down. Like for a long time when I was in Colorado, Colorado, they kept finding dead bears. And they would find dead bears. And 10 feet away, they'd find a duffel bag that had been broken into and half-eaten of cocaine. So the planes would drop the duffel bags. The bears would think it was food, eat it, fucking get a heart attack, stumble around, die from a heart attack.

And then the Coke would be this true stories. That's some tweaking-ass bear house. The nasty bear. It's just amazing. When you figure the amount that we were doing, the amount of the United States, United States. It just killed the United States. So how much do you think so?

They bought it for 65 million bucks, right, a day in America of Coke. Let's just say. How much did they sell that for? Double? Triple, quadruples, depending on how they break that shit down. There was a guy that when I was growing up, he used to give me like an ounce of crack cocaine for $700. What year was this? It was 1989, 88.

Sure. Like a full rock, like a big rock. By that time, cocaine had bottomed out. In 84, it went from being 1,800 an ounce. In 85, 1,800, that means you had to throw 10 grams a cut on it to make $1,000. So how much was, how many grams in an ounce? 28 grams. So it should have been $2,800.

And how much did you pay for it? 18. So you made $1,000 off the bat. And then you could cut it. You could put like 7 grams on that. And you can make that into another $100 as a dealer. And you could go out. Dog, deal and blow is not a bad job if you have it down.

Don't giggle. I know people who have been dealing blow since I was in high school. They're still dealing blow in New Jersey. They just do it right. Well, it's lucrative, but I don't know if you can call it a good job. I mean, they're not bad people, but it's not a good job. I know my buddy. I've never asked him, but I've done the math in my head.

He probably makes $100,000 to $1,000. in a year. He goes out four nights a week. He goes to the same bar. He dropped off the same stupid packages and he goes home. By this time, he doesn't take any wild chances. He probably gets on the Jersey side from some

Mexicans over there, a dirt cheap, you know. I don't know. Maybe this is me watching too many TV and movies, but if I'm going to be selling coke and only getting like, 200 grand, like, it just seems like anything can happen at any time to dark news. You have no idea what I'm talking about

with 200 grand. This guy's not in a creepy corner with a long jacket with sunglasses on all day. He's got established customers that are garbage men that on Thursdays they get paid and they want an eight ball of blow to get their dick sucked at the local bar in New Jersey. Right, but if you're going to like... So you take two ounces. You could sell two ounces on a Thursday night on paid day, any fucking city, USA and grams. You're not going to do nothing. You just go into a bar. You go into a bar. You put baggies. You get the grams, you get out of your car and you throw up by the tree, you go into a bar, people see you, you go into the bathroom, you give a couple bumps driving crazy, and then let the

order stack in. You have a helper that gets the blow for you and gives it to you, and next thing you're home by 10 o'clock, you shut your phone on. Nobody knows where you live. That's a dealer I'm talking about. That guy is smarter than shit. Let's say he lives in Studio City. Right.

He sells Coke in COVID City or in, uh, Whittier. He goes to two bars and Whittier. I get it. It's safer and stuff, but like, that's why they're paying. That's why, like, drug dealers make more money, like, because they have you have to put up with all that. So, like, if I'm going to be a drug dealer, I'm going to want to make. Like, it doesn't seem like it's, like, like, you can make

$100,000, not easily, but easier than drug dealing. All right. Let's say, I got arrested for the whole thing. I went down. When I got out of jail, for months, I sold coke. For months, I sold coke all way to 19 fucking 99 here I would put together deals I'd be at the comedy store somebody

calls me I want a grandma blow somebody else wants to know the grandma blood's $200, I pay $125 for an $8 so why aren't you doing it because what the fuck am I going to do it for I don't do it I don't want to touch that shit yeah but if it's a good job I don't want to touch it if you have to do it to it to move it you have to do it to move it you have to want to go

out and have a drink at a bar nobody buys a coke at a fucking library so at night you got to go to the federal Let's say you can't go to Joe's Joe and Blow and black people throwing darts and black music on. You go to the federal. It's a nice white bar right over here on Lancashim, correct? Or the Rainbow Room, right? You walk the fuck in there.

You go to a bar. People know who the fuck you are. The people are waiting for you, three, four people. Right? When you go to a bar, unless you're a fucking yuppie, you give the guy a credit card. Hi, can I have another account? Most people go in that wallet and put a 50 on the fucking bar, and they sit there. Drug dealer comes in, sits there.

next to you. Correct the Mundo. Okay. When you order a beer, what's the guy do? He puts the fucking beer on a napkin. Okay. Right? He sits next to you. I buy it. Okay? He sits next to you. He says, hey, how are you doing? You see that 50 that he's got for his drink?

You get another drink and you take that 50. You put it in your pocket. In this pocket, you got your Coke. You take this side of your thing, you take this fucking napkin, you put it in here, you throw on the floor and you walk out of the fucking bar. You just did a drug deal. Why people? looking for fucking you going into the bathroom and acting all creepy.

I just sold you an eight ball of coke and nobody saw it. That's how fast it happened, sitting right next to you in every fucking bar in America. You think so? And that guy that's been doing it that way, he's been doing it that way for 20 fucking years. He's got a wife and he's got two kids and he leaves his house two nights a fucking week because he knows his customers and he knows his payday. He doesn't give a fuck about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday because they're light nights. This guy's been selling it.

He's 50 years old. But how long does it take to build that kind of clientele? 20 years. So yeah, but aren't you making dangerous mistakes for those 20 years? No, because you've already done your time. They already busted you with a kilo.

Now you got out and you know how to sell coke the right way. There's a wrong way, Lee, and there's a right way. You could go out. Yeah, with your chains hanging out of it. Hey, look, give them all a drink. I'm here with some ugly Filipino chick with fake dits buying drinks.

and everybody's looking at you. That's the amateur way to sell coat. Or you could sell coke like a thief in the night. I didn't know that when I was 21. When I was a guy that showed up with four gorillas and the hot chick with the fake tits or everybody was looking at us, and then you're trying to sell blow.

Listen, unless you're a fucking, unless you got autism, you know, how long is it taking it to know if somebody's doing blow, Felipe? What do they do? They go to the bathroom. Yeah, man. You follow them. They're hugging each other.

They're doing shots. You're not a fucking idiot. it. But then there's that guy that comes in by himself. He hasn't had a drink. You know, he doesn't have a suit on, no rings, no jewelry. Downloads down. And he says, hey, guys, how you doing?

And he's watching a game the whole time. And while he turns around, he comes up, puts his back against mine and says, did you bring that for him? Yeah. Put your money on the bar. That's it. We do this every fucking week. There's a guy like that in every neighborhood.

Hell yeah. And you know what? The cops know about him. You think so? Yeah. That's where they go fucking shove for information when she goes down. Listen, they want the guy that comes in is making noises. They want the four brown Mexicans, the short ones for their shooting.

That sit at the end of the bar and those little, you ever go to a bar somewhere? It's a white ball and you're sitting in all some three little creepy brown Mexicans. Sit in the corner. One of them has a Mexican hat. And they're drinking and they're fucking jumping up and down. Lee, you're paying attention to this. So you just look at the fucking screen. You shoot down.

I'm listening. I'm listening. Okay, so this is what, this is the drug dealer that they make attention. But there's a simple white dudes, bro. They took a big water money before they give you the dog. Yeah, I had a guy in Houston that sold me coke for 10 years. Every time I went to Houston, he was there. Same guy in New York, whenever I would go to New York, same guy in Las Vegas,

and the same guy all those years on the road. And they're still there. When I go to those towns now, they're still there. They'll probably tell you they don't do it no more, but they'll tell you they can get it for you. You know what I'm saying? Dealers or dealers? I knew a guy in Hollywood that I would call,

and he will show up in his little family-sized, little Jeep Cherokee, and he'll park on the side, he'll look like a regular dad, and he'll take out a sewing kit box, and he had all the drugs inside. He had a bike kid in. He had Axi-Code in.

He had Coke, and I would just buy it from him, and then it was easy transaction. I would meet him somewhere every time. I'll call him at 2 in the morning. and he'll meet me right there, and they'll just take off. Just like a dad, he looked like a plumber. He actually was a plumber at night, doing late-night jobs.

No matter where you work in this country. There's somebody hustling. Whether there's a warehouse, whether there's a warehouse, an office building, there's three or four people that get high, okay? And then it comes to the point where they get high and they get married and they don't go out no more. Then they come to you and then they go, you know, last Friday, man. And we got freaky, and he fucked me in the ass. It was so much fun.

And we were a joke. We hadn't done that since the beginning, and we just don't know where to get it. And so there you are. And you're like, hey, you want an eight ball a week? There's times I've gotten jobs, and I was working. My customers were people I worked at. I didn't even need to step out of the status quo.

I was right there in front of me. I'd sell cars. My customers were right there. There's three guys that need an eight ball on a Friday. That's a quarter and another eight ball. That means I got a half ounce for free. I got an eight ball for free With the money they're going to get me

You put deals together I did it all the fucking time Two out of the three dealers I had in Hollywood seven years ago Are still dealing Really? Yeah On a daily basis

Or on the weekends what you're saying Two of the three guys That I was buying cocaine from Are still at it The one guy is a businessman And during the week He fucking wakes up And he's a dad

And he drives him to school But one comes Friday at three o'clock, that motherfucker will pick up a pound of blow and sell it and do it in two nights. And it's tremendous blow. He sells it to you the way he gets it. He doesn't have time to cut it. He just wants to move it. He has that many fucking customers.

And the other guy still picks it up somewhere, brings it. He gets it somewhere, you know, out of this fucking area code, brings it once a month, gets a kilo or two. And he just slings quietly at night and holly with all the clubs, all those little bars, on a little delivery service but you know you got to walk in have a drink smile a little bit you can make 1,200 a night

so of course you're 150 you got to park you got a valet park you got to have a drink everywhere you go correct you just can't walk into a bar so that's got to be part of your lifestyle that's what I'm saying a guy like me if you're not drinking

you're not into jumping up and down you're not going to sell coke I could still sell coke to people I work around what would you think I'd be doing today If I wasn't doing this, you think I had an education and anything else with drugs? There's nothing else, I know, but stealing and drugs at the end of the week, which meant that even if I got a job and got good at that job,

if I was making $12 an hour, what's $12 an hour times 10? That's $120. That's $4.80 a week. After taxes, that's $3.50. You could not raise your children and a wife with $350 a fucking week after taxes. So after them, eventually I'm going to say, you know what? I can make $3.50 in two nights selling blow. and still keep my days free and take my chances on insurance.

There's people that do that. That's how drug dealers, drug dealers are born the same way comedians are born. They're sitting at home one day watching TV and they're going, I'm funny on this motherfucker. Give me the Yellow Pages. What's the nearest comedy club? I'm going to call down there. No, I'm not saying drug dealers are bad people.

I'm sure there's the same amount of good and bad people as in any job. Every hooker has a story. Right. And that's the same thing. Not every hooker's back, but if you had a son, would you want him to be a drug dealer? Like, when you say it's a good job, it's like, yeah, you can make money at it, but I don't think anyone wants to be. Do you want your son to be a sucker? I don't know.

That's a big question. Do you want your son to go to UPS and deliver packages for eight bucks and out and get beat up and fight for his life? If he figures out a way to put it together without staying in jail, mazel top. and if he goes to jail Mazel tov. He's going to learn a lesson. There's no two ways of losing. People are going to do what they do. It's an bug inside you.

It's the yearning for wanting more. It's the yearning for wanting more, guys. You know, John Singleton is shooting this pilot in FX about drugs in the 80s. Everybody's going to knock this out of the park now. Everybody's going to hit this topic. How this whole epidemic started.

Everybody's going to hit this topic. And the part I read was about a boxer who wasn't doing shit with his life. And he looked up one day and he saw a Spanish guy come in with gold and rings and, you know, taking hundreds from people and tapping his nose. And he said, fuck getting punched in the head, you know, for $25 a fight. I'm going to go sell fucking blow. And that's what happens.

I've met a thousand drug dealers in my life. I was involved with drugs for 30 years. I met guys that were confused men that were doing drugs. to get chicks and to get their dick sucked and to play the mafia role or the gangster roll out. And I met guys who were a businessman, who were brilliant. Brilliant. I had a white dude in Boulder.

That dude was brilliant, bro. He was selling a ton of fucking blow, but he was also building a business empire in the daytime. That's how he was fueling the money. For the stereo, he had the body shop with the fucking GPS. He had the rims, the electric rims. so the snow would melt off your tires. This guy was badass.

But if you call this guy at 3 in the morning, he was right there, bush-eyed, wide-eyed, selling Coke. And I had mine. I still own 1,500. I had a respect. No, I've had drug dealers from every shape, form, and size. And I've learned something from each of them. I've noticed the ones that are suckers.

You know, for 15 years, I just prayed on drug dealers. and all I had to see was an opening. And once I saw that opening... No, continue this, but this is the point I was going to bring up. Go ahead. What's the point? How do you, as a drug dealer, how do you defend against what you made your living off of? Being a fucking professional. Staying on top of your game.

Like anything else? Because I'm not the only barracuda on you. We think I'm the only barracuda on a drug dealer. There's 18 guys watching you waiting to make a mistake. They used to sell drugs right across his chair. from my mom's house on Fifth Street. And they were starting to crack there all the time. And I would walk down the street to 4th Street

to cut the cars off before they went to 5th Street. So I was stopping everybody. Everybody was driving on 5th Street to buy crack. But me and my friends, you know what? We would just stand on 4th Street and cut these cars off before they go to 5th Street. So, man, we started short-stopping everybody. That's a genius move.

Yeah. And then after that, once everybody, started going on 4th Street, we said, you know what, man, we're too fat, we're chasing after these cars. When we start selling drugs at 3 in the morning. So what we did was, we had regular five pieces of crack, and then at 3 in the morning, we split them in half, so we doubled our money. So I would sell crack, bro.

Like, you think about how desperate these crack heads will come at 3 in the morning. Can I get a 20? and I would give them like a $5 piece of crack for $20 because they'll take it and, you know, those were the prices and I was a little crazy little hustler. But sometimes, you know, my brother, like my brother's, it's bad because my brother, Angel,

that voice to fuck up the game, man. He was selling almonds, bro. Yeah, that's crazy. That's when you were going to go. He was selling almonds with orange jail. so this food will come back and shoot everybody so I had to go back to 5th Street I had a guy that was put on the gym

I had a guy that was put on our job for a long time what's the other shit that they had before or a job there's a different embassau ambassal the best you could freeze it yep you could freeze I don't know how he's doing it don't ask I don't know the chemical

balance I'm not a chemistry this is 30 fucking years ago I knew this guy briefly and I know he was doing something with Amber Sock because he told me he would take the coke into the city I'm one of my first cocaine dealers every time I went to his house this is why when I saw the movie Boogie Nights

I knew that dude The dude with the robe with the Chinese The Chinese guy with the fireworks? I knew that was my first drug deal His name was Patty D Patty D Patty D lived around the block from me He was my first drug dealer

I ran interference and between him and one of his relatives was a cop. They were favorite cousins. But since he'd become a cop, he couldn't hang out with his cousin no more and pick up the goods because he knew they were watching his cousins.

So I would see the cop in the afternoon after school and he'd give me an envelope. I'd walk over the patties, get what I had to get, take a couple bumps off the top. And at night the cop would come home and get his little envelope. That's how I knew the guy. So now, just right after my mom died, bro.

15. 15. I'm hanging out of Patty Dee's house. In the meantime, I'm hanging out with Dede Canterra and his brother Carlos. And Carlos is his unofficial bodyguard. People thought Patty D. was a little gay, but they weren't sure. You know what I'm saying? But everything. Sorry about that guy's my allergies.

Every time he went over there, he had a robot. And you didn't know, and he would sing songs and shit. Like he'd play music just like that dude and fucking motor red. And boogie nights. That's what he plays, right? Same thing, bro. When you went over there, you knew you had to sit there for 20 minutes and get an ear beating about the chick he just fucked that you never saw. You never saw none of his women.

You just missed his, bro. You just missed the hottest chick. I fucked her for two hours. She sucked my dick. I ate her ass. You just missed her. She would have sucked your dick if you got here 10 minutes early. That's a control I have over women.

What do you want? And then you tell him, let me get a gram. you know, I got 80 bucks. How much you owe me? Give me 80 bucks. And then you'd wait for a line and he'd give you the smallest midget line. He'd do a big, big line. And in between that, he'd play music and he started doing like the video dance to the music and shit. And you'd sit there, board to pieces.

Like, oh, no. When is he going to take his dick out so I could just kill this motherfucker? Oh, my God. And then Carlos, he accused Carlos of breaking into his house. So the relationship ended. But I bumped into him on. Facebook and we friend of each other. And then when he realized that I was part

of the fucking conspiracy, he unfriended me. Unbelievable. These fucking people. He was the weirdest dude that always had a robot. Two in the afternoon, 10 at night, and just finished fucking a chick. You just missed it. You missed her, bro. Damn chick, though.

You should have been there, bro. She was hot, bro. I was doing blow up her nipples. It was awesome. Bit that bitch. And then my high school teacher the camel the camel told me that if I couldn't

get a hold of him ever he goes there's a he goes I wouldn't tell you this but there's a spot on the 135th in Amsterdam it's a discotheque downstairs it's Colombians and Dominicans it's the first merge it's the first the Colombians became

partners to the Dominicans I'm taking your motherfuckers back to New York 1983 and you'd have to park your car on Amsterdam and he'd have 15 guys out there as parking maids. There was no meters.

No, no, there was no valets. You parked your car and you got it. There was a guy right there. Okay, look, I get it. And you give him five dollars and they'd say he'd walk you. That was their scam. They'd walk you to the discotheque. Then you walked downstairs.

The place would be packed. In the daytime, they were played Columbia music. But at night, they would play disco music. Whatever. If you think of you. after, right? So you'd walk in, you'd fucking walk in, people'd be dancing.

The DJ would see you, and in the DJ box there was a guy, and he'd go. And right there in front, everybody dancing, right? You'd walk in, and the guy would say, I got two powders for you. I got this shit from Columbia, I just got off the boat. It's called Pigeon Anger. And I got this other shit that's called

Dead Muelo. What do you want? This is 100. No, they would only sell grams and abo. This is one 10. and this is 250 and this is 280, you give it time, they'd have four turntables, right in the back, three turntables, three. They had three, two of them were spinning,

and one of them would stop. They'd take the aluminum pro. It was a 24-hour business. And then they would open the door, and you see that ledge where the door is, and have a drop, and that's where the package would be. You take the package out,

he'd give you an extra, give you two bumps, wrap it up for you, and you went out the back door. the disco and you pop right up on Amsterdam dog and I remember one day gone and the Colombian came on and he goes there's a dead dude there but we got a different

way to walk into the building they had the yellow tape around them they had the guy with the blanket blood dripping and when we pulled up the dude took the fin from us and took us around the thing they still was selling coke with the cops in front the investigation of the murder one time I walked

in on them and they were having a chicken thing with the chickens fighting and shit tremendous this. This was real dog. This was real shit. Studio 55. Yeah, I forget the name of the place. This was a long fucking... Gallocho. It's weird.

The drug dealers, you... I could write a book about my fucking drug dealers. That's not a bad idea. And every one of them, the ones I found fucking interesting is shit. My drug dealer has always been small little Mexican ladies. How old?

Like old? Dude, like, I used to buy drugs in in Elysian Valley. I used to live in Elysian Valley in Frogtown where Emilio Rivera grew up. So I used to go to that river and they used to be an old lady, bro. She used to hang

up on the river. This old lady, bro, like she must have been like 60 years old. She looked like she was wearing one of those work dresses, like those little aprons that moms wear over. And she'll just hang out with a bunch of shopping bags

full of groceries, or just fake groceries, and she'll have a little weed container, like those green little bottles, full of crack. I mean, full of the most flattest crack. It looked like peanut brittle, okay? Wait, is that good? I don't know, man.

I just smoke anything as crack. I don't know the difference. This is back on the day. This is 2003. Felipe looking good. 2003, bro. That was back in the day when I was river dancing.

and the rivers of Frogtown. So this lady was asking me, bro, she has a beeper number, and I would call her, and then she'll meet me and I'll tell her, for a favor. And then she couldn't cross over the river because she's paying taxes to the gang across the river. So if she goes across the river, she has to pay taxes to this gang. So I would meet her halfway through the river. So I would give her $60 and she'll give me like a bunch of flatties, crack.

And then one time she was in there, man, and had to walk all the way inside. He goes,

I was, I was there's an my, my friend his old Cuban dude, bro,

there's probably been a drug dealer and a pimp and a drug addict in that little

area since since, there used to be a Cuban neighborhood all of Atwater back in the days. And he was

he had a he was inside the alley river instead a tent. He had, the own little tent set up inside the bushes and he just took his hand out

and I gave him $40 and he gave me $40 worth of crack. Crazy dog. Just a tent in the bushes. A tent, bro. And it was like, that was so bad. And then after she would leave, she would have to leave at 10 o'clock.

I knew her hours, bro. Like, I knew that she got to the neighborhood at 11 in the morning. So sometimes I would drive with my bobo and be waiting like a, like a mouth. bro waiting like a like a fiend bro every time the bus a bus shows up i get excited i start dancing like samuel jackson she took the bus to drug dealing bro she was i'm telling you bro if you want to survive a drug dealer like jo d s said you don't flash your money you go show up man she shows

up like an old lady about to clean somebody's house and she i got i will give her something i will bring her Doritos and she'll give her extra little chips A chip for a chip That were times were bad, bro but But man And then when she would leave at 10 I would have to go to Drew Street

And this was before I knew I didn't know that this was a Crazy gang You know I saw him in gangland And I'd be over there man And this old Mexican man Would meet me at 7 in the morning

At this clinic And he'll put coke He'll put crack cocaine Instead of a big ass Mexican in Birrete, a French Roe. He'll drop of his kids at school, go pick up a Mexican bread

and he opened up a concha, a Mexican bread, and put crack in there. And he'll hand me over a piece of bag of bread, and he'll be on his way. Man, I was doing a lot of crack, man. I couldn't stop. It was good, though.

Sometimes people do crack. Remember one time, man? I had a showcase, cock sucker. I had a Man, never forget that, man. You came through like a, like a deep in the night, bro. You came in, bro. Blasting, brand, like the guns of never ruined, bro. I was two days without sleeping, and Ivan caused you up.

And he goes, Philippe has a showcase today at 8 o'clock, but he has to slept all day. He's going to go pick you up. They go, why are you going to pick me up? Then we remember we picked you up and we took it to the 7-Eleven. Then you hung out with us, and you were like, damn. I had no sleep, man. Pat Bucco was going crazy. But I did my showcase, man, with my eyes full blast, bro.

Like a truck driver's eyes, man. I've been driving for eight hours. My eyes were beam me up, Scotty, man. I was like Garfield, man, doing this showcase. That's a nice jacket. Thank you, man. I love it. It's a Levi jacket.

Thank you very much. Oh, no, it's a regular jacket. Just especially Spanish drug dealers. Like, I had a black drug dealer on the 125th in Broadway in 1995. when that song was popular, Mr. Wendell. Mr. Wendell. He was old and black, and he had white hair, and he was frail. He was a sweetheart, and he'd get blasted on those little bottles, not that pint, but the half pint.

Yeah. And when you walked in, the bell went off. There was like a couple sodas in the refrigerator. It was a health food store, but it was really a weed store. And he would come up, and he had all the drug deal. Like, nobody in that business could you go to the window? and say, yo, let me see what you got. Let me pick a bag. No.

You put your $20 in and they throw a bag on. You take it and you walk out of that. For some reason, I got so personalized with him that I'd say, Mr. Wendell, what do you got? Show me what you got. Show me some love. And he'd blow out like fucking six bags. And I'd say, I'm taking one of them, but I'd take one of them, drop it on the floor and give him a floor back. But he was so old.

He would just take the four in the 20. I'd say the mob player. And I'd just bend over. pick up the 20th tie and we'll walk out of there. It was fucking, though, I played so much with heat in those Harlem streets. Right before I left in 85, it was Cuban refugees everywhere in Harlem. They were everywhere, Silent Bob. I had been out of the game.

My mom died in 79, so I had been out of contact with Cuban people. All of a sudden, they're everywhere. Everywhere in New York, West New York, they're smacking people. arrested in shit. That's all the shit you read about. Like, I didn't know really. The running shit, too? Okay, one, my stepfather

was part of four brothers. That's why they called the family of Quartreuxiinto, the four wins. So three of them were in Cuba. He paid $10,000 to get one. He sent them back to Cuba after four days because the guy was a communist. Because he saw somebody walking down the street

and they said something to each other. And they lifted their arm in a weird way. He called him Comandante, or one of those words. My stepfather shipped them back. But then two of his nephews came. Four nephews came in 1980, and by 1982, there was only one nephew left. Three of them had been shot like dogs on the street. They came out to this violent.

They tried to play a different way. I had grown up with a guy named Tati that my mom was friends with, that they tried to help out. That guy was pulling those scams. When I was a kid, you know, you're showing up with Coke and he'd shoot you and take the money and the fucking drugs. That stuff. But when those Cuban came to that area, they fucking took over like this. But they lifted that, you know, they were like gangs. They were like gang members here in L.A.

They just lifted the violence, man. And let me see. There was a bunch of them that would sell weed. The bus takes you to 178th from Jersey over the George Washington Bridge. So all you have to do is walk out of the Port Authority and make a right and walk down that block and cut in and left. And you'd see a bunch of people standing on the street. They were all Cuban refugees.

And they were selling weed. So I would go up to them. I became friends. They were selling nickel bags. Oh, yeah, and I'd become friends with one particular one. You know what I'm saying? I would always buy from him and buy from him. And after about two months, I knew I was leaving to Colorado.

I just asked him, as how do you get involved in this? They're like, you want to sell first. I go, yeah, I'll help yourself. Like, you'd be great. You know English. They're like, you make $1,000 a fucking day. So, like, you make that much money. It's like, oh, yeah, it's not bad.

Selling weed. Selling weed. Here's the deal. There's the deal. Fucking. For every 25 nickel bags you sell, you keep $25. That was the level then. That's what you do as a refugee.

You have no paperwork. You're illegal. Maybe they weren't illegal. I don't fucking know. They can't. with that Mario Boehard thing. Yeah. But these guys, this is, I couldn't judge those guys, even at that age at 21.

I remember it was 21 or 22. I'm like, so tell me again, you sell 25 bags and you make, and I go, what do you make a day? We make about 150, but you got to be out here from lunchtime to two in the morning. That's what you do. That's what you did 20, 30 years ago when you were a person who didn't speak English, and you didn't have a way to feed your family. And they made $1,000 a day? No, I'm telling you that you had, this is what, you know,

that they told me you make a lot of money. When you go to a Denny's, when you walk into Denny's, and you go, I want to be a waiter. Like, that's a great job. You have to make a bunch of money. You don't know what a bunch of money is. But these guys were out there 12 to 12 selling 12 hours of nickel bags. Cars pull up.

What are you got? Sense of me, how much? $5. Give me 10 bags. Let me look at it. Let me sniff it. Let me get 10 for 12. These motherfuckers would just go, no.

It's $5 a piece. They give you 25 bags, Lee, at $5. That means you have to give me $125. You keep $25, you give me $100. Once you give me $100, I'll give me another $25 bags. You sell those $25 bags. You sell it, give me $100. That's what you do when you're a drug deal.

So this is my office. I'm here watching TV. You're on the corner. Felipe is on Lancashim and Burbank and silent bars by the car wash over there. Right. That's it. I sell nickel bag from 8 in the morning to midnight on those corners.

No, I understand, but it's just like, they're, they probably make maybe a hundred bucks a night, right? They have to sell 25 by, they have to sell 100 bags. They have to sell 400 bags to make 100 fucking bucks. Oh, 400, man. And in those days, you had that type of volume. Ten guys could do that. Ten guys could sell that much weed in the day.

In like New York City or anywhere? New York City. With that type of volume. And that's money You have to be sitting down Not working Picking up sugar canes or nothing No you're outside

Hustling wheeling and dealing When the cops pick you up Listen there's a raid Those neighborhoods always get rid Those neighborhoods get raided Those neighbors get rid of six weeks You learn how to A Not have stuff on you

And B How to know when the raids are coming And C How to pay To not make the raids come If that's your occupation As a drug deal It's like anything else

You gotta dive into it The reason why And I've always believed this, Felipe. You yourself, like reading mafia books about history, anything organized crime. The reason why I think the mafia, they lost touch with what was going on the streets. They got so greedy on this end. To me, if I was building a mafia and you came to me and said, Joey, I want you to be a captain.

What's the first job you're going to do is I'm selling street corners. Because I know in my mind, Every street corner is 50,000 a month. I know this. That's the bottom end of any criminal organization is to control a neighborhood. All we need is three neighborhoods. North Hollywood, Studio City by Laurel Cang and Ventura is ours, and Owen and whatever is ours.

Those are three streets that within a year we're going to be making $50,000 a fucking month selling whatever we want, heroin coke on those corners. That's how a drug dealer, that's how a criminal organization looks at a street corner. Every street corner, if I have three street corners and I sell blow on those corners, and I put two badass motherfuckers on those corners to sell 50s of cocaine all day long. The uncut, rock, aluminum boil all day long. They're there from 12 to 2 in the fucking morning, and you know this. No drama.

No parking in the car. going upstairs, shh, don't let my wife know while you're here. None of that shit. When you're an addict, that's where you go.

Yeah. If I tell you, I'm going to be there with the best cocaine in the city, uncut. What are you paying? Oh, silent Bob.

60. I got it for 50. Right now in aluminum foil, my grams got rocking it. It's a 50 fuck. I'm just, I don't know what it sells for. I know within 90 days,

I'm making $50,000 a month, and I'm just the fucking, I'm just the guy that's picking the Coke up and putting the operation together. I know that's for a fucking fact. Each corner. Never mind. Now what happens if I put a bodega

over there, and that bodega I sell numbers and I take sports bets. So why are you going to sell the street corners then? Because I got to control the street corners. That's how it's coming. What do you think? The mafia just sells drugs and the rest? No. Now you have to take the sports betting. Now that's another fucking

that's another fucking corner you have. That's how you control the corner with that grocery store and the fucking phone cars too. You got to sell phone. What do you? So whatever. No, no, you keep that place clean. You just do sports gambling there. If they want to come in for sports gambling, let them come in for sports gambling.

You have an office somewhere else. That thing is, well, you can't do offshore betting. You're trying to get the money off the street, Felipe. You start with the lowest numbers. If they know I can come to, let's say I'm a fucking Spanish immigrant. And I know I got to pay sneakers for my kid. But life is a motherfucker. And those immigrants know it's.

a motherfucker, correct? Get a little of Nikes. Okay, get all those Nikes. I come into your store. I know I can borrow $55 from, from, I could borrow $75 from Silent Bob to pay him 102 next week.

So loan sharking. That just becomes loan shark. $102,000 he had to pay next week. Let's say $75, he gives me $100 next week. What if he doesn't have $100? I break his fucking neck. He can't, his wife, his wife and him can't shop

my fucking bodega. Let it make sure, man. No, it's just simplicity. I'm just making a point, Felipe. This is how you take over a fucking neighborhood. This is how what the mafia and all these other people have forgotten. They have forgotten this society. When I was growing up, there was neighbor.

You went until you could do anything in there. You could buy a fucking bazooka. And I could come to you. What's up, dog? What's up? What are you looking for? I'm looking for a gram of fucking bloop. Who sent you down here?

Felipe, bro. Felipe? Felipe, from where? What Felipe, fool? Felipe. Boyle Heights. Oh shit. You know, Philippa?

I don't remember his cousin, right? This house. No shit. Come on, dog. Part your car. In that neighborhood, you can buy anything. You can buy anything. You know what?

What do you want? I want a fucking ounce of blow. It's going to take an hour dog. I got to call my brother Butchie. You got to go around the corner to the Columbia. Go to that bodega and wait there. What do you think you're doing that bodega? You put a bed in.

You buy a fuck. That's what I'm going. I'm just saying, I don't know what the Vigs are, but that's what the mafia lost. That neighborhood, and that neighborhood money is a million dollars a year. It's the smallest percentage of, but you can make the more money because there's no money. It's like a car dealerships. If you have credit, you come in, I can get your credit rate, the whole thing. If you got bank credit, I can have a good time with you, dog.

I can make you buy that insurance. That's what I got about Joey Saza. You can put on. Joey Saza from Godfather three. They forgot about his word. So do you understand? Trying to say these people are immigrants. You take advantage of these people in many ways.

And I'm not just saying immigrants. This could be any neighbor. A black neighbor. I saw where Paul used to live. They had a corner. Every time I went, there were like three or four guys there. And at night, it's funny, said Bodega. At night, they would sell papooses right there.

Me, you know. Those are spots. Those are fucking spots. That's what that's called. But it's amazing how once the mob, lost that. Listen, the cops will come 22 times and they'll break you up out of the neighbor. Come on, guys, you got to break

it up. What are you guys doing? We're reading the paper. Talking about sports. You guys like hanging out in front of a shoe store? Yeah, that's what we do. Eventually, one day, one cops will go, guys, what the fuck? And you're going to go, dog, what's it going to cost to get you off my back on this corner? And you know what? If I'm making

$30,000 of fucking week slinging fucking grams, I'm going to give you $500, $600. That's what we lost in America. You know, I always say that. When I was a kid, I knew guys that weren't losers. They were just out of work. They were college students.

They would sell quail luts. You bought fucking 100 quail luts for 200 bucks. You stole it for $4. You make $200 on a Thursday. You just waited to everybody got paid. Everybody wanted a party. There's ways to sell drugs and there's ways to be an animal. Both ways.

I'm not saying that they're good. But I know that people get into binds in their fucking, And sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Do you think those fools got too corporate, the mafia? They went for bigger money, and they left little pennies. And for years, they made money on the little pennies. All of a sudden, they got a house in Jersey. How we don't need those pennies no more.

I'm doing this. Well, you know what? Somebody else is going to take those pennies, and that's how they built power. Those pennies. So now you have street gangs. The kids are 16, 17, and they're making the money. Making money because they're slinging. That money was yours that you just let it go.

Let it go. If I had to guess, it must be harder to leave once you get in just because you see how much money you make. Drugs is such a fucking huge part of our society. What do they call it? Pop Culture. Hell yeah. Drugs are pop culture. Drugs are pop culture.

Every year there's a new fashion drug. Every year people OD. Somebody's got to be pushing these fuck. Somebody got to have muscles, too. somebody gotta be pushing these fucking drugs you know it's uh what's up whatever you know it's it's just interesting and i never thought about that before that like

there is always like when you watch it's molly right now when you watch narco is the first time you were like what the fuck is how did he make $65 million dollars the fucking day when i was a kid that kid nassman that blew himself up in the jeep they put a bomb in his jeep he went to start every day he gives somebody five hours go let's stop my car

The one night he goes to the Aspen Club. He's lifting weights by himself. There's nobody there. He goes and starts the car. Booth a grenade under the seat. He had 31 days to, what's the book? American. American sniper?

American, whatever. American, whatever. He says he killed the guy. The guy's name was Steve Braybo from Aspen, Colorado. The guy was making $6 million every six weeks. Didn't even do coke. Didn't even see the Coke. Didn't cut it, nothing.

All he wasn't. Charger was to go going from Miami to Colorado to Hawaii and to Minneapolis. He had two neighborhoods he controlled. Hawaii and Minneapolis. See, that's what I was talking about earlier, though. He only had two neighborhoods and it gets fucking blown up with a grenade. In a car jeep, but he was also making $6 million every six weeks. If you were making $6 million every six weeks, bitch, you better check your sneakers for grenades because I'm blowing you up myself.

You follow me? You're making $6 million every six weeks. You know, you're part of something that's just gigantic. A fool. When they go to eat what? What do you? I was going to tell Felipe, those two brothers from Chicago, those fools were young, huh?

Those drug dealers that caused all that shit in Chicago? That's why everybody's getting killed and shit. Although the two drug dealers in Chicago, they're twins, and they were the one that were moving all the cocaine for the Mexican cartel. And they, um, they, um, there were the main drug dealers out of Chicago and they got arrested

and they're talking yeah they turn state's evidence and shit but that's why everybody's getting murdered out there right fool? Yeah it's caused all that fucking shake and they were young assful half the places you guys drive by

are stash houses half the places that you see that you're like dog look at that place that place is never busy go on the back room you think they got tomato paste back there they got 35,000 pounds of blow back there way to distribute to your neighborhood or some other neighbor.

There's a block up here that I'm convinced almost every store is that Magnolia on the way into Burbank, like we stopped by one of those pet stores. There's like one thing on each corner and they sold like four things in the entire store. And they're on Magnolia. And then they have two, no, they have three Halloween stores on Magnolia. You know that? And a Donald Trump piñata. Yeah, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, it's,

crazy. So break down Mexican independence for me. So what happened today on this particular thing? Hidalgo, right? The screaming shit? Don't look at him. He don't know. You know this shit.

September 16th, dude. Him are fucking dummies. Before the revolution, this is late 1800s and fucking was a priest, like a crolloo, right? Fucking, a fucking light-skinned fool. And him fucking, fucking, and what, Jose Maria Morelos and all that shit? they fucking, you know, started that fucking, that, uh, that, uh, march towards independence, getting away from the Spanish crown and shit under Spanish control.

And actually become in Mexico, a country in and of itself. You know, and fucking, you know, well, it was all the way of here and shit. So four years of college is all you got. Yeah, what do you fucking, uh, I thought you're going to break it down for me. And you see, I gave me the stuff like, fuck, dude, I happen to that fuck course of days.

Did he major in Mexican history? I mean, I'm a history major. Please, don't put them on the spot. But, um, he measured his part-time job. He's going to be a fucking attorney. That means his major was history. Those were the, uh, the roots of, uh, pretty much Mexican independence and then, uh, resulted in the 1910 Mexican Revolution. So the Mexican Revolution was fifth of May.

1910. That on him, fifth of May, Cinco de Mayo. That's a struggle between the French. The battle, Cinco de Mayo is a battle, the battle of Puebla, where 2,500, um, Mexican farmers with, with rakes. And I'm leafblowers, beat this shit out of the French. That's fucked up that it's Mexican independence and it's a Jew week, too. It's Russia Shana. Russia.

Russia. Wasn't it a fucking Salvadorian independence date yesterday? Yeah. I think I'm a Hispanic week is all Mexican independent days. September the month, right? Hispanic Heritage Month. Hispanic Heritage Month. From Hispanic.

And nobody knows. You know, they make up things. It's a fucking weirdest thing, bro. It's like half the menu on Taco Bell is not Mexican. Mexicans don't even know what the fuck they are. But that's the same with Chinese food. When you talk to Chinese people, like, shit, you motherfucker, it's not the shit. Garbage.

I don't mess with no Mandarin Chinese food. Steve Simone didn't like it as much. He went to China. I like American Chinese food better. My favorite Chinese food is the Hunan Dynasty. That's what we're fucking raised. That's what we're raised on American Chinese. fruit with the mustard and the egg grown.

You know. What you're going to about fuck off? What's the matter with you? Nothing. Everything. I know the thing about orange chicken. What? You're looking good.

What do you eat when you go to Chinese restaurants now? Now that I'm vegan, I just eat the noodles. The noodles by themselves. Plain noodles. That little star chicken in. The little Jewish star. Joe, I didn't get the weight loss surgery because he couldn't eat Chinese food.

And no, you're saying that all you can just plain noodles. That's how I eat, man. It's good, dude. Or sometimes, you know, I order the, I eat a lot of Thai food, bro. Like the yellow curry, green curry, red curry with brown rice, man, that's just down. Or the dessert, the sticky rice and mango is so good. You got to try it Joe Diaz. All right.

I'll be down there tomorrow. Hell yeah, man. I'll make you some vegan pork tartas. Tartas. You know, there's an elephant in the room. It's weird because we have to talk about this, especially if we're doing this podcast. Something really weird happened today.

I woke up to some wild shit. Willie Barsena. Sometimes you, you know, you wake up, in the morning expecting to have a weird day you read something you're like what you know the big news today it was about steve run as easy you know yeah man and uh i learned how to spell his name correctly today what the fuck happens when you uh you know when you get caught in something you know it's i'm not mad at the guy you know i don't know him uh i've known them for 20 years since he came out here whenever he said he came out of him i've never had a problem with him he's always

stuck up for me, you know. You always said hello to me. And then you always read, you read this and you go, what the fuck? I got a couple emails. Like, did you see this? Like, I'm supposed to call him an asshole, whatever. Hey, man, I've been there. That's why I tell people, be careful what you get yourself involved in.

You know, I didn't, I didn't tell my mother, I got left back. I was going to say, like, do you guys, I used to love to lie. I, like, about crazy things. And, like, shot and, like, do all that stuff. So, like, obviously, it's not excuse. usable, but what if, like, he just got bigger and bigger, and, but then he said it on Marin, so that's not good. But I don't, I don't know if he can call him a bad person just for one thing.

We've all fucking told a lot. It was to a certain age. I lied, too, man. I fucked on my leg one time, man. I was running from the cops. And I'm, and I wasn't running, I was running from the cop because I thought they were, like, coming after me, but they just turned the lights on and went to go chase somebody else. So me being paranoid, I ran, and I fell in a ditch.

And then I was crawling all the way home. And I remember telling my friends, I got to jump by these three Nazis, bro. Fighting for the cause. I got to jump on these three fucking skinheads, bro. And they were really, bro? They jumped you? Yeah, man. Fucking.

And then I fucking lie. Like it's embarrassing. I mean, we all fucking lie. It's fucking lies. It's fucking embarrassed. You're going to eat that brownie sign. We're going to eat that brown. I think I'm over there, man.

Mr. LaBoske over there, man. I eat the brownie of death. Listen, man, I used to lie. Oh, my God. I was living in a fucking lie. I was like 20 cents. Once I went to jail, I'm like, you know what, man. I see how these guys lie.

Fakes he make it. Once you go to fucking jail, you see these guys with broken down socks. Nobody visits them. And they're telling you how they were a pimp on the outside. I had tons of money. I had millions of shit. Nobody's fucking busy. You got no TV.

You know, when you got no TV in your fucking room, there's got to be a problem. You split that one. No, no, I'm going to. We like, I'm beyond good. Like a fucking down. A beyonder. So. So,

I didn't even know that he was from New York. I thought you were from Boston and then and then apparently like he got his girlfriend up in it like he said she was working there too and maybe she wasn't it's scary like it's scared now you have to think about what you say

he had it all planned out back because he had like his his career he just got that Buffalo Wild Wighton's thing and my goodness his new specials coming out and sad You didn't really like Buffalo Hot Wings? How could he not?

Buffalo Owings, I'll take his job. And who put that full on blast? Who let everybody know that full lied or how did it find him? So something about the New York Times. Something about they confront to them or something. They check the fucking fact, you know. It's funny because about 11 years now, about 15 years ago, I was in a little misunderstanding with my ex-wife.

One day we were talking about something. And she goes, you know, I read your resume, by the way. You're lying. You weren't born in Cuba. You were born in New York City. I read your birth certificate. I go, which one did you read? You know, it was a black and white one that nobody ever read.

But I lost that, I lost that just being a kid in a wallet. That one had a van of Cuba on it, the whole thing. When I got the read done, it says New York City. One of the reasons why I'm scared I know I won't get a passport is it's going to open up a bag of worms. They're not going to find me in there. My wife is a gentop.

All you got to do is open my wife's brain up without weed. And you're done. She went on Ancestry.com. I don't have an ancestor on that motherfucker. Do you understand me? There ain't a name. Nothing.

Like none of my people came to fucking have a sound. It was probably lost during 9-11. Listen, Doug. Listen, there ain't a fuck. There ain't a fucking record. There ain't a fucking record. It was lost in that lie. But my uncle's in there.

My uncle's in there from Glendale. My, uh, somebody else's in that. Reg. Yeah. No, no, no. That's fucking stuff. A little.

That's fucking amazing. It's fucking really amazing that. So I know that, you know, but that's the only thing somebody could jam me up on. They say, well, you're bursting. This guy's not your born. You're born. He's not really fucking Cuban.

And then I'm going to have a problem. And then I'm going to have a problem because it's open up a fucking can of fucking worms. Do people accuse you of lying a lot? Oh, all the time. Fucking like a cuck, suck. Why wouldn't they? But, you know, I have a friend of mine that listens to this show. I have a friend that I...

They call you on that shit. How they... No, I have a... Old school friends who listen? No, I have a friend of mine that I bumped into in Texas. and about two years and then about a year ago he hit me up with an email that he goes do me a favor

and say a little of my son because he doesn't believe that I grew up because he used to tell him these type of stories and some would go Dad stop it so one day the kid went to him and said do you know this Joey Diaz guy he's saying this shit and he goes yeah I grew up

with the guy he goes say hello and let him know we're friends now the kid believes his father but for years let me tell you something for years I didn't say any of these stories Not because I didn't want to say it Was because I didn't think nobody would believe him Or and I also believe that everybody else lived like that

I thought that everybody broke windows and they were kids Everybody had a fun fucking life It's not until I went to Colorado That would talk to people And I would tell them shit And they would just look at me dog And I'd say I'm never telling that story again Because obviously you can't tell that type of shit

People don't understand that in the rest of the country Wasn't until this podcast shit But I said fuck I gotta let this stuff go I can't live with this stuff. This stuff's hilarious mugging a hooker. Nobody's ever mugged the hooker and taking it back to the jersey. And those kids are still alive. And they come to my fucking shows.

The kid that drove that night still comes to all the shows and hugs me. And he goes, oh, my nephew's love when you tell him my name and all this shit. But there's people who are saying it about you and Tony Hawk hanging now when you were little. Really? Nah. His full son said this fool. My brother, Angel. Lied.

He's a con artist, bro. He's a liar. He would lie to my son and my little nephews one day And said that he used to hang out with Tony Hawk When he was 14 years old They were about the same age And then one day we're having a conversation And my son jumps into the conversation

My dad was Tony Hawk And he goes, oh, I do? And I said, nah, ma'ammy, your uncle angels are liar I was like, you never told me that fool? I had to get all fucking shy Yeah, man, he was all embarrassed I never understood, listen, okay. Me and Lee go out.

Okay, we buy a gram of blah. We bump into two ugly fat chicks. They suck our dick, we piss on them. We take them to a hotel. In what order? Don't worry about it. We take them to a hotel. We fuck up.

We're gonna lie and say they were hot. We wake up the next day. They throw us out of the hotel. We don't have enough money to pay for the hotel. That's the story. Me and Lee go giggle. When you bump into me two years from now. You're fucking by the trash.

That's a joke. We're comedians. What do we say? We went out. We had an eight ball. We bumped into two of the hottest chicky. That's how you did. We took them back to a holiday inn.

You should have no one, Rodrigo. If you tell me that or Felipe, that's okay. That's okay, dog. You know, what kind of lie? You did get your dick, suck. You know, whether you were pretty, it's for the judge or whatever.

Sometimes you pick up an ugly chick, you know, whatever. but things are happening in your life. Whatever. That's, but for me, I used to have a, I had two situations in my life. I never,

I used to have a friend that owned the deli. That dog, I could go up to the next morning. He would be like, I went out with Filippa last night, dog, we partied out till six in the morning, were Richard Gere,

and oh my God, and Lee Syatt was there, and oh my God, it was fucking amazing. Then a week late, I'd bump into Felipe and go, what's up, dog? Dog, what happened that night?

You went out with fucking sound, Bob. He said you were till six, Silent Bob. I haven't seen Silent Bob in a year. I had one of those motherfuckers. Oh. That would just, you know, and you'd sit there and go, why would somebody say that? But you knew if you went back and you weren't going to win the argument. I didn't say that. I said the time before. I didn't say him. I said he was one of those dudes. He was, he just, and then I grew up with this girl way before you guys were around, Chachi. Remember Chachi? Scott Beio. Scott Beio.

This girl in high school just made up a story that. She was dating Scott Bayo. This went on for like two years this little retarded girl. Every fucking Monday she could look at. Wow.

I'm dating Scott Bayo, and she would have pictures of her with Scott Beow but with 20 other people. And Scott Bayer was on the other side of the room and she'd be on this side of the room. And she'd tell me how, oh, no, no. doesn't want us to know anybody to know that we're dating we're going to the junior prom together and shit and the junior prom came and she came with some fat dude with pimples

i never called her on it because why would you make that up you have to feel bad on your own just just walking around thinking that shit you have to feel bad just thinking that in your mind right or wrong you have to think that you feel bad just thinking that you said that a lot that Scott Bayo's going to come to your fucking wedding. I remember, I remember, man, I lied to my mom. I know that I like to my mom. I lied to my mom a bunch of times. No, I lie to my dad.

Oh, yeah, I know. I think I lied because I messed up my hand somehow outside somewhere, and I told my dad that I messed up my hand trying to catch a home run at Dodger Stadium. Is that when you were working on it? No, when I was a kid, because I had, like, this blood, this purple thing on my hand, And I didn't know how it got there, right?

I have this purple bruise, permanent bruise on my hand. So one time my dad asked me, why do you have that there? And I must have bumped into something. I said, no, I was trying to catch this baseball, Dodger Stadium right now. And we're both there. And I felt bad because I lied to him. I never told him the truth. I lied.

I feel so bad now about my mom. I told him so many lies growing up. I told my stepdad. Well, I tried telling him lies. That motherfucker was a lie that. detector. That dude was just a fucking lie detector. Like I said, all those

years, I just lied my way through him. I'm going to get money on Friday. I'm waiting for this. I'm waiting for that. They were just fucking lies, man. I'm happy I stopped that shit. But when you're wheel and dealing, it's okay to lie. It's when you lie to your friends about fucking weird shit, you know?

You only want to have to lie to them before. You know? I lie sometimes, too. I say, yeah, man, your set was, you had a great set, bro. Your set was killer, bro. I'm surprised you didn't sign you. It's hard, because you have

to remember them. Like, if you lie to everybody, you have to, like, remember all the lies. It must be hard to, like, keep straight. I would have been nervous with a girl, fireman. You know, it's funny, I was on Marin. And I told the story on Marin. This is, and this

is the type of shit that people are just, you know, I told I told the story on Marin. I was very fortunate. When I was a young man, I wanted to learn and do so many weird things. And when I moved to Aspen, I met a guy, I met a chick,

and her husband was this fucking closet killer. Don't be lying. And all this guy did was we became friends, and after a while he showed me his weapons. And then after a while, he showed me how to shoot. I would spend the Friday night with it. Is that the ice cream guy? No, this is just a regular white dude.

That was a great guy, big motherfucker, Vietnam. that train the whole fucking thing, and he'd take me to the mountains, and I pay for bullets, and he'd let me shoot his gun, and he'd teach me how to shoot him from angles and shit. And one day the guy trusted me, he goes, listen, though, I really want to rob the bank of Aspen. I've got these plans. He took me the fucking lunch, and he came out with the most detailed fucking plan of robin's

everything. How long have you been planning it for? A year and a half before he met me. He just needed guys. And his plan was to rob the bank of Aspen Christmas Eve. You know when you're telling the story? Okay? And you're just excited that you're telling the story.

Yeah. I said when I told the story, I go, we were going to rob the bank on Christmas Day. Oh, my God. I got 50 people that are calling me a liar because the banks are closed on Christmas Day. So do you understand me what you've got to deal with any way you put it.

We deal with this. There's people that, there's people that, they said Christmas Eve. Right. But I, in the rush of the story, I said,

we're going to rob me Christmas Day. And the fucking people, like, banks are closed on Christmas Day. That's set there too. You know, banks are closed on Christmas Day. It was fucking.

Fucking. You know, it's, it's, it's, people will scrutinize no matter what. But for me to make up something, I don't gain from it,

bro. Well, I have, listen, not to interrupt you. Go ahead. Let me tell you something. I'm going to tell you something. You know, I love you. I don't want to interrupt you.

Let me tell you something. I've forgotten more good fucking stories than the stories I remember. I did drugs for 30 years. I've forgotten fucking good stories. I'm going to go home next week and my bumping to my friends and they pull me over. They'll go, the last time I saw you, bab-da-ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba. Between you and I, some of them could be bullshit because I don't remember it at all. but some of them I catch it

and I start thinking it on and I go on oh shit I did eat 16 sleeping pills that night and I smoked that fucking mushroom you know what I'm saying because it's true I was crazy so what are you going to say brother I'm sorry I completely forget

good anyway probably a lie oh wait no you can like there can always be like a mistake or you could make like you could embellish something but and I haven't listened to the whole thing yet but he had like an entire It's not like he was there, kind of.

He was, everything was made up. So that was, like, the issue. It's like, like, there's apparently levels. But the enormous issues that it just brought up September 11th, right? You're going to lie about some shit. Don't lie about that. I don't know. I don't, listen, a lie is a lie is a lie.

Whether you lie about Santa Claus or you lie about September 11th, and you're escaping from some fucking building, you know. I've always known him. I've always thought he was a sweet guy. told me the story also. Oh, yeah? You know, I respect them for the story, you know, for being in the bill.

I wouldn't know what to do. How long of the story? I have no fucking idea. But the one that could, I've talked to some people and they were like, that's getting around, like, that made him famous. I don't think he's doing it on stage. Like, that story didn't make his career go off. I don't think.

Or did it? I don't know. I don't think when you go on an audition for the league, they book you on that fucking story. I don't think so. I don't think that they give you a special on that fucking story. Because in that case, we have a lot of actors, man, with, with no arms. You know, people with decapitated limbs, you know, acting, you know.

It was really like, people really felt sorry for people on 9-11, you know. Those kind of actors will probably have. I don't think it helped his career, you know, because I don't think it helped his career at all. I think he made it because he met the right people at the right time. Going on auditions and shit? Yeah. I mean, I learned something. A friend of mine.

I really don't know that guy, man, but he tells me what's up every time. Yeah, a goofy friend. We're all fans of this movie. A goofy friend of mine gave me a book in Miami one time. And it was the book by, and it made a lot of sense to me. It was the book by Henry Hill's daughter. She wrote a book. What's it called?

Who the fuck knows? My father's a bum. She wrote this fucking book, you know, just not saying that he was a liar, but saying that he was like fucking a bum. He was high. How does he almost cause a lot of problems? Because she's like, how does he, you know, remember half this shit if he was high? And she told her side of the story.

Like the funniest thing ever, that's funny to us, that that movie, they stole it, was that in real life, He was living with Karen in Seattle, Washington. And one day he went and did something, met some chick, married her, and brought it back to Seattle, Washington, to rent it, and lived with Karen and his new wife. And when Karen asked him, are you fucking crazy? He goes, no, no, no, don't worry about it. I married him my other name.

That's the line that Steve Martin had. And when he calls the detective in the fucking room, and he goes, I'm in Vegas. Say hello to my wife. Yeah. And he goes, you're not. supposed to fucking get married. He goes, don't worry, I married under my new wife.

Henry Hill really did that. He really married a chick and brought her home. And said, listen, I'm married to you as Henry Hill. I'm married to her as Mario Andretti. That's how fucking crazy this guy was. So she goes, this is how crazy he was. You're really going to believe his story. You know, it's like when you do Coke, I love doing Coke.

But you know what the fucking hardest thing about doing Coke was four in the morning? If you dig coke with somebody who wasn't going to suck your dick That means they're going to tell you their story And that's our signature We all have every hooker has a fucking story We're all fucking hookers And we all translated from our point of view You know what I'm saying

Somebody else might tell my story And tell how dirty and a disgusting fucking human being I was Which is fucking true You know I'm telling you I always tell people You have no fucking idea But they're like, no, we like you, Joey. Okay.

But it's just weird because we tell him, I remember getting high with people, and they break down at 4 in the morning and tell me how their parents molest them and shit. You know, and how they don't. Man, buzzkill. Oh, my God. Tremantus kill. Remember that for Tampa, dog? Joey?

Oh, my God. We're getting high with some guy in Tampa. He worked for the improv, but he didn't work for the improv, but he don't work to no more. Some fat kid who little. like Canello the boxer, you know, but if he was like 500 pounds, and we're smoking weed with this guy and then his friend shows up. You know, his other friend,

there was us, and he starts telling us that his other friend that's not there raped his little sister. And I'm like, damn. And I tell you something, I love you to death. I know you for 20 years, so I tell you this with all due to respect. You're a lunatic magnet. If they're lunatics, you attract them. I don't know what the fuck.

Every city And you encourage these fucking lunatics They're lunatic You make them pick you up And go to lunch with these savages And then they come to my shows Missing an eye Missing an eye

With 16 people And they're like hi We want to take it to our home day Dinner Felipe came home Listen, Philippe's to a different level I don't go home with people Eat fucking lunch You're a fucking lunatic man

I know man I'm in Odessa Texas and the owner of the club with Felipe You want to go to some fights? Sure, man, let's go. Halfway there. What kind of fights are these, man?

Dog fights are making you drop me off. I don't want to go. Felipe, and he takes the ride, and he lets him pick him up and he hangs out with them. And then he gives him your number. Hey, bro, I'm with this guy, dog. You pick me up at the airport. He loves you.

This house eating. It's fucking crazy. You let you mingle with these fucking people. Sure they're buzz kills. I spot them. I see them with their, they try to get you. You see you right away, huh? A dog, they try to, because I know.

I like what you notice. Your head starts nodding, and you start talking fast, and you pick up your phone, and you got to go. Listen, Doug, first of all, I'm deaf. I'm legally deaf. So if it's you and noise in the room, I'm here. Like last night we're having a conversation with the nicest guy in the world.

I heard nothing. I was looking at you. You're over that bowing, turning red in the face from how high you are. It's a talent he has. I don't hear nothing. So when you see my. my head bowing and you continue. Like, I know if I'm talking to somebody,

what's going on? If I come up you, I'm like, hi. My name is Kyle. I'm a big fan. And I'm looking at you, and you have like this weird, confused look on your face. I know I'm walking the fuck away from you. I caught you at a bad time. Are you welcome to that comedian from Houston? Joey, I made

$50,000 last month. I made $20,000 this month. Which one? Remember, um, that guy from Houston he'll tell you that he made $50,000 last night, selling DVDs, working for Mencia. Now I want to borrow $1,000. Oh, no. It's like when you're in jail, dog, I tell how much

money I got paper everywhere. Dog, let me get some cigarettes and shit. I hook you up next week. Why do you have a fucking lie to me? No, you meet it. Felipe attracts. Every lunatic there is out there. But not only does he attract him, because

Duncan has the same power. Duncan's people come, and they walk in and they got big eyes, and they're Can I talk to you for a second? I had this vision. Listen, let me talk to you later on. Here's a joint. Go in the corner and smoke it.

Step out in the street by the bus there. I'll be right out. There's some lunatics out there. But in the world of lunacy, nobody attracts them and keeps them around. Like Felipe. Felipe gives lunatics like gasoline. Like, he gives him a hope to live till next time. Like, let's not be back in the year and shit.

Don't cry. You hold on. Don't kill yourself. Don't shoot your mother. Up your back. Speed your bird, bird, man. And then they'll show up to the shows and go, I'm friends with Felipe. And you're like, listen, I don't know what the fuck's going on.

I can't do. What was one night there was a friend of yours somewhere that tormented me. This had to be around a year ago. Said Jose? No, no, no, no, no. No, this was somewhere a Spanish guy. He tormented me. He bought tickets for the boat, show.

He's probably listening right now. Michael Myers, girl. Michael Myers, all from Houston for him? Houston got a lot of fucking lunatics, dog. Back in the day, Minna Filippe used to have some good fucking times in Houston, Texas. Listen, I loved it. I tell you, if I don't give a fuck about drugs. I was born to Drew drugs.

I was born to get my dick sucked and get freaky and get honed up and look out windows. It was a horrible time in my life, but then again, I fucking love. loved it. Will I do it again now? I would never get high again. I don't even want to know what that feels like ever again. That was just crazy. And I saw this guy in this worst time and he saw me and my fucking all-time worst time.

What's up with you, Fouca, are you ready for another edible? Did you eat a piece of chocolate? No, my why not? When you got to eat a star? Because I had three stars. So who gives a fuck? We all ate 10 things. So who gives a fuck? What's the smoke? So I'm done right now. You're not done. You're not

done until the show's over. So pick something. You want a star or a piece of Which one you know? Neither. A half a star. That's a pretty strong, man. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

That's the way they eat them, quote, because that's the first 30 minute. I just still here listening to you. You want to eat a star? You want another one? I'm good with that star, man. I got the star of David in my art. All right. All right.

See, you got to eat this shit. It's Wednesday night. It's Mexican independence. How day your girlfriend's Mexican, correct? Yes. And how day you sit down and bump on a lot? You're going to pick her up after this? No.

What is wrong with you? Because she lives with her mother and I'm high as fuck. What are I do? You beep the horn, tell it come down. You've never seen West Side Story. Go over there and beat the fucking horn. Do what? Tell her, come over.

Let's go back to my house and celebrate Mexican independence. With me being this high. Who gives the fuck? Give it two stars and make a catch up. What's wrong with you? I'm giving you all these ideas. You figure out how to get a little taste before you go to Las Vegas

and you're acting like a half a fagg. We're going to have lunch tomorrow. What's lunch? What's lunch? That's 40 out of your pocket and you don't get a lot. She's coming over. She's coming off for sure. Yes. What's she making?

I don't know. He said I got to deal with. He's worse than you with the vegan shit. I got a vegan and a fucking Jew that don't know what she's making. Her mom is a little bit upset with you, Felipe. Why? She saw you on Platinito, the more, like that. And Paula told her that you're vegan.

And she goes, no. She gets very upset. She shakes out and goes, no. I don't know. I'm still upset. He's a, fucking vegan. We used to have fun when you used to eat me. You get taken to places

and eat now he's a fucking vegan. He's eating olive oil off his fingers and shit. I need that shit. I'll tell him Rodrigo about that restaurant right next to the hotel you always eat. The donut, the donut shop, shims. Shrimpies, shimpies? Shipplies.

The hot dog? The hot dog, the hot dog bun. It's like a hot Houston by the freeway. Shrimplies. Across the street. from the old Houston Like a croissant hot dog

No I never fuck with that shit You did man I like Shipley's It's in Houston It's a donut shop Hold on a breakfast sausage wrapped in a hot dog

What are you confusing me What are you confusing me for? Look it up There's a certain name for that But they They have them in a lot of places I forget what the paoli Something like that

The sausage and the thing I used to go by the last stop Up the corner By the old Houston last stop They used to make the best jalapeno ones. Oh my God. It was all crunchy.

I used to a dozen of those fucking things with two cans of Coke for breakfast. I do Coke those six in the morning and Pistol Pete would drive me. Like, whatever house. Pistol Pete would drive me over. I got a dozen those things

and two cans of Coke, dog. Or if not we go to the Pleistown-Waist Gray that the breakfast place, that the guy owned, with the Greek guy that hated everybody that would tell you to hurry up and order. What do you want to order? I don't know.

What do you have? Every op, I know all that. Every op. I don't have time for this shit. And white people would run the fuck out of that. What the fuck are those things in Houston? I always eat them. I just had them when I was down there deliciously.

Take it those. What should I search? Oh, fuck. Shripplies. A pig called Shrippleys. I don't fucking know. Don't make me call people. I always forget and shit.

Okay. Anyway, no, no. They haven't been a lot of play. I only did the Houston Improck twice. I did the old one once And this one This last fucking time Yeah

No no no That's the play I didn't even like They had the Shrimpley's donuts Yeah Yeah what do they have What's in their place

What's that's that the place Yeah Piotes What's it called Shipley donuts I know But there's something It's like a hot dog

What's the name Yeah it's a sausage Okay That's a weird name Like a canoli Framboli I don't think they have Their fucking menu of

Hold on. Wait. I'll look for it. It's not on their website. Hold on. Yes, there is. I forget what the fuck on there. What's going on with you, Philly?

What are you doing? What are you doing next? What are you doing next special? Oh, man. I hope he'll shoot my next special this year sometime in December. We're at? We don't know yet. How many specials have you shot?

Just one. Kalachis. Kalachis. Kalachis. What's in them? Kalachi factory. There's Shipley right there. Calachi factory.

Yeah, no. But Shipley's is a place. place that sells calacchi's. But everybody sells calachis, but there's a place called a Kalachi factory. That's really good. They have, they called the Halapenia was. Colichias are Polish?

I don't fucking know, bro. They got sausage and cheese, jalapeno and cheese, plan sausage, jalapeno sausage and cheese, salmon cheese, sausage and cheese, and pulled pork.

It's real tough, man. I don't eat pork pork on the outside. You don't know what the fuck you're eating. It says bull pork. Everyone loves pole pork. I try to like it. Once a year I try to eat it, and it's always terrible. If you're going to eat pork pork, get to eat at a place that specializes poop pork.

Yes. When you tell me you went to Subway and got the Pull Pork sandwich, I feel fucking bad for you. When you tell me you went to some white joint and got the pulled pork, that's who eats pork in L.A. That's why nobody eats fucking spare ribs in California because you can't sell them enough. Nobody eats fucking spare ribs. You go to eat in Jersey. That's the first thing you're on. Let me get a small order of egg bread, pork fried rice and fucking egg drop soup.

Nobody eats pork out here, though. You want to go to a place, like Grand Central Market in downtown L.A. You're going to find that chubby, greasy-looking Mexican dude that's wearing like a butcher shirt and an oldest, a Dodger hat with no head back, nothing in the back, you know? What's the name of that street in downtown? Grand Central Market on Broadway. No, no, no, no. It's a Mexican street. Oliveira Street?

Olivera Street. That was fun. He got some good flautas there, though. It was creepy. Some of it were, like, the leather store, they had a store just of, like, the hat, the masks for the wrestlers. That was a cool place. Did you get a little wrestling match?

No, I was going to. See, if you have a wrestling match, you could go by ballers tonight and just kick the fucking door down and tell them you hear the sling dick, and they're from Mexican tradition. I'm not only what, police people know so who's the fuck you gotta go over and boss them around telling me you the boss

you're the captain kirk of the enterprise and shit yeah go take the daughter home with you tonight you don't leave paula at home along right from here go over that beep the horn yo adrian come down just hard bro play some instead of the fananard really no women like that shit if you call paula you text paula right now said put on something sexy i'm coming to get you shit should be ready for Papa and shit you just dictated the evening

where you're sitting there like a hell you don't know you don't know Paul no because I know women and every woman likes to feel special

and hot right now she's thinking she's going to bed you got to write her or not I'm going to suck your fucking pussy you got to send her

and she's class tomorrow that's why we're going on what time is class tomorrow three you believe this is what I deal with three in the afternoon dough

So how long does it take her to get ready for class? Ten minutes? I don't know. Call her up right now, tell her you're picking her up tonight to wear some silky fucking panties. Then you bring her a fucking pussy. You bring it to her house. You wake her up in the morning.

You take her for breakfast nights. Then you fucking drop her off and you have the whole day. You got to fuck with her at lunchtime until three. You got the shit going on. You got to make a living. If you pick her up tonight, you guarantee the piece of ass. You guarantee another piece of ass for breakfast. Then you take her to Denny's.

You give her three pieces of bacon, some pancakes. You get her building. holding back up her caloric intake and her protein from the stabbing that you dick gave her and it's all over you understand me you drop her ass off and you go to fucking jiu jitsu that's it that's how you do it you're gonna waste your time and pick up tomorrow and drop 40 and you're not gonna get no chocha you know you're not you're not where you want to go well let's go let's go to the tie place like a fucking half of fruit cake tonight she got nowhere to go every avenue she turns to

There's dick. Every, every, every around. She's like Pat Benito on that video. I'm coming around the corner. There's dick everywhere. You pick her up tonight, beep the horn, she'll come down. You take her home, eat some popcorn, whatever the fuck shit you eat at night. And you give her that fucking stamedia from Lee by Lee, Israeli dick.

Then you wake up in the morning before she knows what's going on high. And you get with another fucking stabbing. When you get up, you wash your helmet, you take care of yourself. You tell her, get up. And you take it a denny's and you get two grand slams. You get four items for whatever the fuck. Who's better than my bro? Come on, huh?

What do you think, Felipe? This guy wants to wait, go home lonely tonight. You're all horned up. You did THC. You got a little nutbag right now. You got to go pick her up, man. You got to go pick her up, man. I'll walk off by yourself, like a fuck the Momo.

They'll go pick her up, man. Bring her home and wash her feet. A class is at three o'clock. I can see if a class is at nine. Class is at three. Go grab this thing by the fucking horns, will you? He has a point, Lee. Seriously, Lee.

You got to fucking grab this by the fucking horns. You don't know, Paul. I won't. Tell her who the fuck Lee is. Burn some cinnamon instead of the oven, bro. You got to tell her who the fuck Lee is. Tell you pick him up, you're going to stop by yum, yum donuts. You got to lure these motherfuckers.

Whatever if you were a pedophile? You just show up with a van? No. You got to have movies and fucking fishing lines and toys. I heard her to make your collage, bro. Ice cream. Same thing. The fuck is wrong.

Give her the collage. But Cheech. You don't know Paula. I know Paula. I know Paula. I'll show up with some ice cream with your fucking yum yum donuts. Hey, hey, Paula. Tell her to come down.

She'll fucking come down. She's starving right now. There ain't nothing to eat in that fucking house. She's starving right now. It's 10 o'clock at fucking night. You don't know, Paula. You're fucking momo. She goes to the gym today?

Yeah. Yeah, she's fucking starving right now. Yeah, they got lettuce and fruit sticks. But let me tell you something. You show up with three chocolate yum yum donuts and a fucking bikini on. With a little half a pint of that fucking diet ice cream you're like, tell me she's going to stay upstairs. Are you fucking, see what I'm saying?

I got to take you from Avenue A to Avenue Z every fucking week on a different topic. Did you go on a date? That's what I heard. He signed up to fucking Mexican Heritage.com. He picked up a nice Mexican check. He's on Maria. He's on e-bones and thugs in harmony. Go ahead, text her.

We'll talk over here. Text to tell you're getting donuts. Tell her it's donuts and dick night At least say at residence. Just like that. Tell her about the egg layer. Tell her. You want to get her excited.

I got to tell her that you have a surprise for it. So it keeps her on tune. And then take a picture of your dick. Tyler, I'm going to pick up a beauty of your dick. And go to Yum Yum donuts and tell her it's dick and donut night at the Casas a fucking Syriatico. You know what I'm saying?

That's not like a song, Dick and Donuts. Duck and Donut Night. That's it. You got to start breaking this shit down. You walk around on ice cubes. around. I don't know. She might get mad. She's not going to get mad, but... She don't have class till three in the afternoon.

You think she wants to sit there like a victim with her mom and the cousin? I'm high as fuck. I want to go... Tell me you wouldn't want to eat something and then eat her ass tonight. Tell me the truth. You don't want to give her a little stabbing? I would, but I was like I want to just go home. And do what? Sit there and want to eat pepperoni sandwiches by yourself like a fucking charles brown. Are you telling me every time you get high you want to go home and...

And deal with all that. My wife's sleeping. I'm in no danger. My wife's 46 years old with a two-year-old. I can't wake my wife up with a million dollars to give me a stabbing. But you're a 26-year-old man. When I was 26, you think I... I put it to go home.

You are in a toilet of your life. It's amazing how people always say, you know, I wish I was 26 or whatever. These guys, I don't wish I was 26. I just want the opportunities that the... You know what I'm saying? To them to understand that 26, you're not married to her nuts. She lives with her mother.

You can do whatever the fuck you want at this point. Right now, this is your fucking world. You call her up right now. This is what 26-year-olds do. I never heard of her. I'm running this year tomorrow. Who gets a fuck? Fuck tomorrow.

Everything changes. This is how your world is. It all changes. You got to keep them always shaving that pussy. Keep it tight. She's probably at home right now. Fucking farting in it and shit. Farting backwards in pajamas that's going into a pussy.

It's fermenting. It smells like burrito juice And the sweat from the gym But if you call up right now I said look I have some donuts for you And some dick Take a shot and watch that fucking monkey It's all over to shop

She won't ever sit like that again Because you always keep her on fucking whatever What about tomorrow? What about tomorrow? I got business tomorrow. You're going to break the routine Tomorrow's my last day here I got no time for romance

I got to leave at 8 o'clock I'm going to hook up with you for five, six hours I got no time for romance Let me give you a stab in time Tomorrow we get breakfast And then you go your way, I go mine. And everybody's happy. That's how a pimp moves his hand.

You say, I got to deal with, Doug. You're crazy. Hell yeah. What's up, Felipe? What's up, fool? I can't call it. What are you going to give up this vegan shit? You eat a taco.

I don't know, man. We need you to eat a taco. Break it down. It's over. No more vegan shit. Nothing's happening. I'm doing good, man. Why do you become a vegan?

For what? To do what to do what to shit well? But you've always like fucking meat. Always, man. Okay, call her up. The text to tell you it's over. You got that Jew dick on fucking, on hold on fire and shit. She knows.

She knows nothing. You say, I'll live with, dog. When he gets mad at me, he's like, how can you talk? I'm not mad at you. You know, I'm right. I'm just trying to get the right thing economically and fucking fit the whole thing. How to drive all the way back and forth to Vietnam right now? She likes the bus.

You said she likes the bus. She likes walking around. Yeah, at midnight, take the bus. Who gives a fuck? Take a chance, Columbus dish. That'll be a one story to tell. Charles Bronson lives in Van Nuys, you know what I'm saying? There's a fucking, there's a vigilante out there, guard the streets.

She could Uber it over here. That's right. Uber. There's right. You know, man. Send an Uber over there like a pimp. That's what a buddy. You're right.

That's what a real 26-year-old does. He sends an Oprah player, bro. And you can tell him, listen, there's an extra ten in there. You gotta be... Make sure you show up with the fucking macarena on. You gotta, man. Like, you gotta think like, like Sam Kinnensen said. I'm never gonna be the best, but I gotta ruin it for the next guy.

So you gotta be better than the next guy. Not better than the last guy. The last guy's gone. You gotta better be better than the next guy. What's the matter? What are you looking at me all paranoid for? All scared. What's going on with you?

What do you mean what's going on with you? You gave me 375 milligrams. Why do you count the milligrams? You see me count. Counting milligrams. Counting milligrams is like dropping names. You just say, I ate a bunch of fucking things and got on. What's with the dropping names?

I hate 3992 millimetre. Fuck credit. Credit is in your eyeballs. Show me eyeballs. That's what the fucking credit is, all right? They can't see my eyeballs. Let me give some shout out to you. I got no glasses, so if I fuck it up, I'm sorry.

Wait till dusk. You know, I love you, cucket. Kayla, Sheldon, I love you, too. I don't know. Happen. I have no fucking glasses. Pib Malinaz, Nolan, Nolan, Roland, Raul, Herrera.

You know, I love you. Bobby, Sharon, with the fucking T-shirt, and Crystal, I love you. Greg Powers and Lynn. Stay black. Thank you. TH3, H-1, J-H. I love you, too. And, uh, Dinah Mateo. You know, I love you too.

You little sexy Asian savage over there on Facebook. I'm trying, bro. I can't see without my glasses. I thought I left them in the car. When I went in the car, they weren't in there. I got my backups, but I'm not going down and I get them. You know what I'm saying? These guys got here before I can get the party started.

I'm shooting my first special this week in Vegas. I don't know how I'm going to do it, Felipe. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have a little bit of confidence in it. I'm just going to go up there and go fucking crazy. That's it. I don't give a fuck of Netflix. I don't give a fuck.

You understand me? I'm going on it. This is for me and my main man, the flying chew. How was your show at the Ice House? Not good. The run through? The run through. Listen, there is, in my world, there's no run through.

You think that you're going to run through, and then you get there, and something else fucking happens, and you're taking a different direction. So there was no run through. I have an idea of what I'm doing. I have an idea of the order I want to do it, and I got to tell a story. But I'm excited I'm just doing it. To do this shit, you just got to do it. Sometimes you've got to do it out of your pocket to see what it's really like, and that's what I'm doing.

I'm taking a fucking chance, Columbia. did. So I've had to do everything. You know, like I'd call Lidia on night after I dropped them off. I broke it down to Lee. What's going to happen? What we're going to hear and what's going to happen? You know, there's always in the 15, 17 years I've been here, there's always somebody pulling my string and at the end, they tell you the fucking truth. The best I've done is when I've taken this into my own hands. And I've imploded my fucking philosophies and my street philosophies with what the same shit they're telling me. That's the best I've done. ever done out of it.

But these people are giving you advice, they don't know dick. They don't know dick, you know. It's like a stockbroker. You can tell you what the fuck he wants from reading charts. At the end of the week, it's what you bring to the fucking table.

You know what I'm saying? Buy it. Asuka. I'm never going back to Georgia. What's up, fool? I have a web series, bro. I wrote up me and my wife.

We have a web series. Let me answer this. So if you sell this web series, you're going to still give a credit. Oh, yeah. Look at you. You're on this fucking in, Jim. You believe this? A little producer credit?

A producer and writer credit. Maybe. Yes. I got Lisa. I got him a little bubble star. I don't know what he's getting. What he's getting the first. Give me a little shot out.

Give him a first AD credit. I don't know yet. Yeah. Triple AD. Triple OG. I like it. When is the web series start? October 5th is called the shop.

it's about me working at the weed dispensary and it just shot it all on green screen but it looks pretty good um or Gigo's in it yeah man

we have a bunch of um Chris Thorin he's my sidekick and we just um we just it's like the office but shot in a dispensary so all you and me dealing with customers every day selling pot

selling you know medicine for people and dealing with regular stuff so it's a short web series it's only like two minutes long every episode is only like two minutes long how many episodes seven look at you half a season half a season baby the fucking what's up bleep well Felipe like finance the first thing we did oh one of the first things we did was a document executive executive executive producer that's right what's up pool now how many years later we still do this thing yeah man

and I'm going to be in Denver next week. The Comedy Works. Headlighting in there for the first time, Playboy. Can you go back there? Yeah, I was just there. They stole me back there. Can you go back to Seattle?

No, Seattle's off limits. I'm trying to, I'm trying to see, even if I get the Warren and Seattle off, what are my options in Canada? Are they still going to say, no, I'm not going to pay a bunch of money to go to Seattle Warren down,

then they're going to come me no for Canada, and my passport for Cuba. you, but then I spent that money. Listen, it's not that I hate Seattle. It's not anything like that. I'm the type of guy, bro, that once you move forward, you don't go back. That's it. Seattle and me, it just didn't work out, man.

If I tell you the five arrests that I got arrested for in Seattle, you'll sit there and go, Joey, how did this happen? Jaywalking, a stolen car, domestic fucking. violence. I'm not a domestic violence type of motherfucker. I'll choke you. You know. No, I'm not a domestic violence type of guy, bro. That's never

been my M.O. I had domestic violence that turned into three different fucking things, man. That's never been my fucking MMO at all. So, it's like a place that, you know, it was a dark place with me. How did you get a stolen car? You don't,

I, it was like good and bad. Like, I really got I really found myself as a comic there in a way. Right from there, I moved to L.A. It went over that hump. I couldn't do it in Denver. So Seattle served me as purpose. But it's one of those places that you've been there,

you did it, and you move on. It's like middle school. Yeah, it's like middle school. Once you've gone through it, you don't want to fucking go back. And that's how I feel, guys. I feel I thought about a lot of places I've been to. That's it. I'm 52.

How much longer do I have on this planet? I want to go to places I'm really not crazy about? Or the places that I feel comfortable in, you know, that I have a good time at. I don't care how much you pay me doing this shit. If I don't have a good time in your fucking town, I don't want to fucking be there, you know. I like Seattle. I had a great time there. Nothing like that.

It was just a bad luck fucking city for me, you know? It'd be nice if you could have the opportunity. Like even if you don't do it. Not to Seattle, but to other places. Like what? Like you just had Canada, England. Listen, let me ask you something, guys. You know me a long time.

I want to do something. I'd do it. When I have the opportunities to fly those places, I had zero interest in doing it. You follow me? I've always been one of those people. Listen, four hours on a plane. I do it now because I have to do it,

and I've learned how to sit on a plane. But do you think I'm one of those motherfuckers? Unless, I don't even know what would be worth for me to sit on a plane for 16. hours. Damn. 16 hours. Joey Dia's on a plane. 16 fucking hours. Why is that

so terrible? Because it's, see, for you, you just watch movies and you don't give a fuck. You lay there like a bump on a log. By the time they come to wake you up, you're like, can we do this back? I don't even want to get off the plane. I want to do another 16 hours. I can't sit there for 16 hours. I have a hard time

on that flight from Atlanta, Thelay. That's like six hours, Fort Lauderdale Tel Lale. Those are six hours. fucking flights. DC, there's a six-hour flights. You know, you could mind-fuck yourself

for two. Even when I go super high with a star. Super high. I plan my highs and everything. I eat an edible. When I go on the plane, I eat two more.

So the first two, you get to your breakfast and you watch a movie. Right? That's your first two. Then your next two, maybe you take out a pad. You get the iPod out,

the iPad, it's the music. You're fucking high as fuck. those last two hours are brutal you check facebook you check twitter you write a little bit but you're still sitting the fuck down bro you're hungry you don't want no fucking peanuts you don't want nothing that they got after that those sandwiches are horrific all you want to do is fucking land bro and now after those six hours guess what i got another tent to come to your fucking country to do what another hour to immigration i got to walk then i got to find food i like people

People, listen, just forget it. It's not going to work out. I went to Jamaica that time. The next thing is going to do the same thing when you're leaving. Yeah. When I went to Jamaica that time and I saw those chickens, how skinny they were and how they were walking around, dog. I didn't even eat at the hotel.

Then I went to McDonald's. I didn't trust the burgers. Once I go into national, it's not good for your uncle Joey people. I don't trust shit. I really don't. I've never liked it. Even Hawaii as a kid, I went to Hawaii with a bag of Coke, dog. It wasn't for me.

It was a different time. I'm going to have to go now with the baby and the wife. But at that time, I was a baby powder. At that time when I was 21, 22, after three days, okay, now we did it. We had some drinks. We giggled.

I got to eat more days on this fucking island, walking around rubbing coconut juice on me to get sun. Get the fuck out of you. Put me on a plane back. I remember I took a gig to Amsterdam, man, to Rotterdam. And, man, I don't know, it was like an 11. our flight and man I fought with my girlfriend at the time

the whole time. So that kind of made the flight go faster. On the plane? By the time we landed. Oh, you went with that crazy chick. Yeah, but the time we landed, we broke up. The little one. The fireball.

Yeah. Yeah, that chick was fucking nuts. We broke up. We broke up when we landed, bro. In an accident. Yeah. And then you flew back and you hooked back up with it. No, we broke up.

I missed my flight because I, I, um, After I did my set, I disappeared, bro. I disappeared in Rotterdam. And I started, bro, I walked into a black bar, and they were singing, they were playing that. I would say, I have to say black bar because there was only black people in there. And I walked in there, and they were playing that song. If love, you were right, I don't want to be wrong. And I walked in there, man, and I started, like, singing with them.

And, like I said, man, there was a guy by the bar, like Joe Dia said. There was a guy by the bar there. Did you get some drugs? Yes. I just walked up to him. What kind of drugs did you get? I'd shit my pants if I was international on a cop drug. He gave me out.

That I couldn't do. Why would it be different? Because you ever see locked up abroad? Yeah, you can get locked up. That's why it's fucking different, cock suck because I don't know the rules. Did you get my piece of brown here? I'm not having any more edibles. You got no choice.

I do have choice. You got to call Paula, yeah? No. I'm sorry. What happens? What did you cop? He gave me Coke, but I don't know. Rocked up already or powder?

Powder. No shit. Yeah, man, but I didn't know it. And I went to the other club to do it. I don't want to do it there. And then I met this other guy there. And he took me to a house. And we were just walking.

We met these two whores. bro, like these two crazy chicks. You met two whores? Yeah. Like they wanted a party and he goes, hey, I want to have a party? We know a place we do more blow. That's all right.

We went to, it was a Jamaican guy and these two girls. And once we got there, man, this dude got butt naked fast, bro. I was like, I was waiting for the drugs, man. Like, April, can we like, you know? Get hydros. Can my nose get naked too? But yeah, and I stood there from night, from 10 o'clock at night to like 7, 11 in the morning. I missed my flight.

And my children at the time flew out without me. Bidges. Bitches, I know. Well, we can't have two flights missed, right? So she ended up flying. When I was in Rotterdam, man. And I stood at this house and I knew, like, somehow when you're a drug addict, it's like, you don't it doesn't take you that long to find drugs like when you want them you just know the right people it's like your brain is programmed you know to find the right people like where the guy at the bar or some random guy smoking a cigarette with you you make a connection with his eyeballs and you know man like this guy could get me what I want so I missed my flight and we broke up

And I did, I smoke heroin there at that house for the first time out of an aluminum foil, man. How was that shit? That was good. I threw up right away. I got to lie. I threw up like five times at that house, but as long as you have money, man, and you keep spending, they don't kick you out. Do you throw up every time? I threw up every time I smoke crack for the first time.

I don't know why. Because it feels like I went on top of a roller coaster and did three flips and came back down. And you still want to do the drug? Yeah. I want to do more. I want to throw up again. You have no idea how when you're on that drug journey and you commit to that drug journey, what your life really becomes. It becomes a little horror. If you bump into other people that like you, that's the scary thing. When you bump into other people that are just like you and they know where I live in Seattle towards the end and I wouldn't be with Carol and I would stay with the cook.

the underground. It was like three days of being with that dude. What's that movie with Johnny Depp and the fucking guy, Benicia Autoro? Fear and Loe. Yeah, who's that about? 100,000. It's like hanging out with him for three days.

You don't know what you're going to do. You might snort ups. You might do heroin. You might find blow. I would wake up in the middle of the night. His window was broken. He lived in a warehouse. One of those redone warehouses where you've got to pull the

fucking elevator down and pulled the string up to the fourth floor, loft and shit. And I remember waking up in the middle of night, he'd have two black guys smoking crack in the corner, and just paying him rent for a couple hours to smoke crack in the corner. That's how cool this dude was. But you never knew what you were going to. He would charge them to smoke crack. Or come down and wake you up. Joey, these guys got crack.

Let's smoke with them and shit. Oh, you have to, man. What? Like if there's a guy, like if there's a guy, like if there's a guy, like if there's a, guy there's always the guy there who's selling the drugs who doesn't live there but if you're buying drugs in that house you got to share it with the people who there like the owner of the house they're going to give a little kibble you know it's fucking crazy a little corner the they'll just stare at you bro forever the drug the fucking world when you're in it when you're in it

and you don't mind what you're going to see and what's cool like i i remember going to studio 54 On a Thursday night one time. And my friends going, my friends going, they do blow into ladies' bathroom. And going into the ladies' bathroom, and the place was huge. And there were every bad people were just doing coke. And women were coming in, going into a box sitting down, peeing, and walking right out. But when I was looking at those people in that back room, that basically they were just as fucked up as I was, just doing coke in somebody's bathroom.

But I remember all those stories. All those dealers, those bar people we met. By, yeah. All those fucking dealers, man. I never, today, I don't hate not one of them. Remember the guy in Houston? And the old last, a little chicanal way. A little dark fool.

With a shaved head and his nephew is David. That's the thought that showed up to hook me up at 3 in the afternoon. That was like a bite. Lee, wake up. fuck. He was like a militant bike a Mexican dog and he'd bring you Coke on Thursday and invite

you to his house for cooking the next day. And one day I went over and they were fucking cooking. Mexicans cooking dog. Meat, fucking beans, rice. Making that pool pork. I don't eat that shit on the house. Going off and shit.

Yeah, man. I've had some great dealers, you know, and I wish him all the love in the world and that's what they did. When you talk to them and get to know them, it's really interesting. why they sell drug. How often did they get arrested? You know, I didn't really ask them about their resume, Lee.

I didn't really think it was... Well, like, when you were... No, no, no. Would you ever just be around, and then your drug dealer, you're arrested, and you have to find a new drug dealer? Like, you have to... Well, these guys were drug dealers when I went into different cities. Yeah.

But, like, kids I grew up with, yeah, you take a pinch, you take a scare. you know something happens listen most people don't make it in it for 30 or 40 years most people don't do it they're smart enough to get the fuck out there's people that have figured out a way to do it and stay under that line

just to make a little extra money maybe it's but to them it's a lot of fucking money to them it's a lot of fucking money I went to school with a kid that when I was getting into that whole drug thing the guy I was talking about Patty D that's what this kid was getting his coke That kid today still gets fucked up.

I don't think he deals anymore, but I know that he could hook people up. And I know that he owns like a couple plumbing companies. And he's got a girlfriend out here, a Russian chick. He's my age with like a 20-year-old girlfriend out here. So he made a ton of fucking money selling drugs. I mean, I don't advocate. But again, who buys how? The reason why Escobar was making $66 million a day was because guys like us.

We're fucking doing the drug. That's the bottom fucking line. That's the bottom fucking line. To that amount. Every day. That's crazy. The fuckers like to get high, though. People like to get high.

Bro, when cocaine came on the scene, those style of drugs, it was a huge impact. How much would you spend a week? When my mother first died, and I was a sophomore in high school, in the very beginning, I was probably spending. a hundred dollars a week. $400 a month. Now you think of $400.

Today is a lot of money a month. I was in high school because I was buying two 50s. I would buy like a 50 on a Tuesday and split it with two of us and then another 50 on Thursday and split it. And then as you got older?

As I got older, I spent money, but I also found ways to do the drug on other people's money. Oh, yeah. I said that before. You know, so I'm just trying to think So I get an eight ball

I get three and a half grams For $150 Right All right Let's pretend I get three and a half grams For $200 Okay

But you get a gram For a hundred Okay You come to me You want a gram I charge you 100 He comes to me He wants a gram

I get him a hundred I go buy the eight ball Give it to you as is And I still get a gram And a half Just for taking the ride I make more than you for taking the fucking ride

and when you paid the $100 for. That's how I dealt. I dealt the two friends that I knew just to help me deal. So I would sit at home and also like if I knew that somebody was getting good coke, I'd bait you. That was my job. I was a junkie. I'd have to bet you leave.

What are you doing today? I'm staying home with Paul. Listen, fuck Paul. This is what's going on. The Armenian just called me. He's got a fucking batch of Coke that'll knock you for a loop. So I would try to debate your sent your addictive sense of you know really really well once you want to charge for a gram a hundred dollars okay what time are you gonna meet me I'll meet you in 10 minutes I got your hundred I got your hundred nine and another hundred to

get an eight ball you follow me so you're not really a drug dealing I'm not gonna go to jail to get a grand for Felipe that's my brother well you don't know it he don't give a fuck he's good he wants a hundred dollars you don't give a fuck how we get it That's what I talk about dealing. That's a different type of deal. I was just trying to imagine how many people had to be buying how much coke to buy, to need $65 million. Well, tonight, when you go home, get the fucking calculator.

You're a computer, your college graduate, figure out 52 states and figure out how much a key was in 1985. In 1985, and just in the corner, like you said, a number. corner where I was hanging out at. They did a little raid. Luckily, I had a bad ankle and I was in there. They estimated these kids where I was hanging out at, just on that little half

a block, they were estimated they were making $65,000 a month. And so Georgia was right, man. The block. The block is the mafia lost control when they got away

from the street trade. They lost the control of the immigrant gangs. Nobody was taxing nobody. Nobody was taxing nobody more, no more. And that's where your money is. If you told me today, listen, there's an interesting book. About the guy who came out in 94, the last Don. What was his name?

Joey Messina. Joyne Messina came out of prison. The first thing he did was closed all the social clubs. He did like three things that were just unheard of. Done. No more. For us to survive. This is what we have to do.

But one of the things he didn't do was control the streets. You have to control those fucking streets because if not, the Latin Kings, you know, F-66, all the, you know, again, that's what they do. They make money off-street sales. When you go down here at night, instead of making a fucking left out here, make a right and go up there and go on that street and go fucking up a few miles. See what happens. See what it turns into. Give it four. five miles and see if there's a kid on the street

and he's walking real slowly, make him believe he's looking for a dime. Go ahead, pull over and ask him that you're lost. I dare you. Pull over and go, I'm lost. Is that all you'd ask? Is that all you'd ask? You should look for somebody walking. That's it.

How you doing? I'm lost. I'm looking for North Hollywood. Oh, make it right. Hey, bro, you need anything? What are you talking about? I could go for a soda. No, no.

You want some grass or some coke or something? There you go. and why you sell it to him he'll tell you I'm here every night and then you go away and you come back a week later and there he is doing the same shit looking for a nickel it's fucking amazing I wonder how you learn and the guy that's watching him is the guy at the bodega

his stash isn't at the bodega his stash is upstairs but the bodega guy is watching that block so he's watching this block that guy So right now you got three guys on four different corners. It's 11 o'clock at night. If the cops plop them, we're sitting outside talking shit about comedy. What are you guys doing out here? You guys drinking?

No, no. We just sit and we don't want to go home. We just, we work days. And after a while, the cops will leave you alone. It's not until they get a complaint. There's three guys out there, two in the morning, chasing cars. One of the last guys I was buying coke from was a guy that sold coke on sunset. and Western

fucking crazy Mexican I met him at El Camadre one night in the back he was sweating profusiously and shit because he would run and he told him he goes I don't hang here I hang behind Western and sunset

just go there and drive around a few times I'll see your car there's a McDonald's on the corner he would be living in those bushes bro that's not a fucking fake story I tell on stage that the guy would run up to me and fucking he pulled me over

and then without me saying a word you know how white dealers go to you are you a police officer you have to tell me by law this guy would push it to the next level he would just take a coke rock out of the satchel and put it in your fucking nose before you said anything there was no chance you tell him

whether you were a cop or not you were ready a little taste and he put it up in your fucking nose you'd be fucking gagging to death and then he'd go get his way $50 worth to give you the chief shit And he'd go in his bag and he put it right in your hand. It was a nice rock.

No rapper, no fucking aluminum foil, no nothing. And then you got back in your car and you just drove back to my fucking house. How do you like them there, fuck-o? I remember one time it was hot with that dude around. And you said, I want to hear how looking for stuff. You said, Felipe, the cop front around three times. Look, there was three cops waiting for somebody to come out of your apartment. Yeah, there was something.

Remember there were like four cops, and you were, and the little Mexican dude that just showed up. You got to have those type of eyes. I know when the fucking cops are around. Because the Carlito's way he said, the streets are always watching. Always watching.

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I like about meandis the most is the way they fit. They're comfortable. I don't have them on right now. I can lie to you. They have my Miandis on right now. No, I don't. I have them on when I work out because they make, you ever go to the fucking do jih Tzu to the gym and your shorts fall and your pants

are uncomfortable? Any other underwear I take to a gym, feel fucking uncomfortable. When I wear me on these, they feel fucking great. And when I leave there, it's not like they're all damp. My nuts are sweaty, nothing like that. I mean, it is nice and dry. Everything is nice and dry, nice and moist. So do me a favor.

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Shipping's expensive. Shipping is real fucking. And they even went up again. You ship a lot of stuff, right? Yeah. Fucking prices went up again. The ship a mug to England is like $22 fucking dollars. You might as well drink it out of your hand.

Like the 4th weekend. The fuck you walk around with a fucking mud. And shit, listen. Every week marketing changes on me. All I know is one thing. Nature Box has great goddamn snacks. Those jalapeno gas shoes, those chocolate yum yams, the vanilla almond.

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What so, food. Don't forget this weekend. I'm in Vegas. Friday, Saturday, Saturday. Sunday Saturdays when I'm taping the special. New York City is sold out next week. The two shows that got them. Congratulations.

Toledo, Funny Bone, all right? Stay black. I want to thank Rodrigo, my main man Torres. Always looking good. Hell yeah. Thank you for coming up tonight and giggling, cocksuck. Always a pleasure to have you here.

We're going to be some pissing motherfuckers. We drank a lot of God of water. Hell yeah. That's those edibles. They dehydrate. Could it plug the shows in West Nyack? Yeah. At Levity Live.

One of they? We're going to be at Levity Live and West Nyack. October 22nd to the 25th, that's me and Rodrigo. And parlor bar in Seattle at Washington, October 8 through 10. River Center Comedy Club, San Antonio, Texas, November 4th, November 5th through 8th. You can see all our shows at Felipe's World.com. Rodrigo and I, we have a podcast. It's called What's Up Full Podcast.

This week we have John Sally. Hell yeah. From SportsCenter. Fuck in. And all that shit Beautiful I'm excited And then I just put up a new flying Giro radio with Joe Perez That's great

I'm real fucking excited George Perez What are you gonna close with You said Oh yeah Pep Manor Go ahead brothers I love you guys stay black

Thank you very much listening to the church See you in Los Angeles And see you next week Yeah man Don't forget about us Now that the show is over Don't forget to go to naturebox com and check out all the great snacks like barbecue kettle kernels.

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