The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #320 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 28, 2015

  Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 09/27/2015.

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September 27, Sunday night. You guys will get this Monday morning. You don't know what the fuck happened tonight? Oh shit. Bring that milkshake motherfucker. Suck it. Oh, yeah. He licks my nuts.

She drinks my goo. Here we go. This is here. Sunday night edition. What the fuck is happening, Lisa, yet? Oh, I don't know. I have no idea what's about to happen. Nothing's going to happen.

You're just going to sit there like a fucking momo. It's great to be back. I'm sorry about missing last one. Wednesday I was on my way to New York City, so we just ran out of time. So we figured we'd catch up with you wake up to some fucking great podcasting on a Monday morning. Start your day off on the right fucking foot. Old school, you know what I'm saying? Just me and the flying Jew.

New York City was fucking great. I mean, the last 10 days have been hard. For people asking, we shot a special in Vegas last week. I basically came home, did a few workouts, had some auditions, packed. They went right back to New York. the special you know lees putting it together now we got to still shoot a wrap around

so it's going to be a while so I know that you guys I'm very proud of the thoughts and the support and the questions but special won't be around until maybe December maybe end of November but we'll keep you posted here but New York City was just fucking sensational you see

you texted me that's why I know it's good is when you text me he texted me pictures of all the chans dragging in oh right so jealous is that where you started started uh they picked me up at kennedy went to the hotel checked in which is the first time i stayed at this home with sweets and it was just phenomenal fucking i'm close to rudies i'm close to the cuban joint which delivered to my hotel room so here's the look here's the question i had if if you went to a hundred places 99 of them you would stay next door to the club this is the only place that you

go that you take a trip to go well the problem is that if i stay in new york city i won't come over to see my family. I'm that lazy. I'm that fucking lazy. So what I do is I compromise. I go back on Wednesday and Thursday's my New York Day. I go to Opie and Anthony. After an Opin Anthony, I run some errands. What I did instead of Opin Anthony

was this week I was going to go to Jiu-Jitsu, but instead I took the A-Train uptown, I walked around 148th Street. I was going to go to 86th Street and go see my grammar school and stuff. Yeah. But I really wanted to walk around 140th Street. I walked down the hill. I looked

Riverside Drive. I walked up the hill and then I took a cab up to fucking George Washington Bridge and I took the bus over and then my buddy picked me up and went to eat Cuban food. I took a couple ferries. Yeah, I saw that. Which was fucking dynamite, you know, right from Edgewater or Wehawking. I took the

ones from Edgewater right in, took them right back. They're nice. I took that before. I think I went to go visit NYU. You were something we stayed in, right across wherever that ferry drops you off. Like there's a hotel like right there. Right there. And that's a, that's one thing I definitely miss about the East Coast is, I mean, it wasn't harder for you to get back into New York,

I can't imagine. Listen, you could get back from New York every 15 fucking minutes. Oh, could you take that ferry back at like three in the morning? No, no, no, no. I think during the week it's one, on the weekend it's one, and during the week, the last one is 1210 back. Still. But it was dynamite. Just getting on there at night.

Listen, anybody who knows New York City or Boston or that part of the country, September, May, and April are just beautiful times of the year to be on the east. coast for me this was every time I go home I've always told people that if you're having a problem in your life you're having doubts you're having insecurities maybe you have marital problems do yourself a favor some people instead of hanging out put some dough together and go back to where you're from I don't care if it's Toledo Ohio I don't care if it's Quincy mass I don't care if it's fucking somewhere in Iowa or mankato minneapolis Minnesota I'm sorry, or Boise, Idaho.

When you go home after being gone, after being an adult, it really does something to you, especially if you tap into that energy. There's an energy you tap into when you go back that you go, oh, I used to go to that store. Wow, that's not a shoe store no more. And if you get out of your car and park and just walk up and down, it gives you this empowerment.

Like you get this empowerment that, you know what, I'm still walking these steps. Like I walk the steps I would, to grammar school. Like I went to the cemetery and I put some flowers and even being there and turning around and looking around. I just looked at the playground and turned around

and I couldn't hear it in my hearing. I don't know if I don't want people to think I'm crazy. But in my head I can hear kids in the playground like when I used to play in that playground and stuff like that. So you realize how fucking lucky you are. Whether you're sick, there's something

wrong with you, you're jobless, that you're still walking these streets. Like it was just so surreal for me. It always is. Did it upset you that there were changes? Because I went back to my hometown for like the real first time, God, in probably six or seven years, if

not more. And it was weird for me. Like they had changed so much of it. I barely recognized it. And I had that feeling like, yeah, it was cool to see it, but then part of it was like, oh, they changed everything. Like they painted the house I grew up in, a different color. And it was just, it was weird. Listen, with me,

change is evolution. You're going to go back and things are going to change. People are going to get old. People are going to die. The sun's going to take over the pizza place. It's not as good as it was. Whatever the fuck. It is. But there's always those things. There's always those constants. For us in North Bergen, we lost the Ashways Deli, which was my constance. That's the second thing I did. It was go to Hashways and get the news on the town and the gossip and you bump into cops and stupidity. But it was home. It was really home. And my friend Billy Hurenda, who does like sports up in Sacramento,

I was speaking to him, excuse me, and he was telling me how he was lost when he went back without Hashways being there, because that was his staple. You know, Nick died the pizza place. That's it. But then again, I'm 50. We're older, and this is expected, you know. I made the best of it. For me, when I go home, I got to tell you, it's seen a certain handful of friends. Right.

And this time I fucked up. I didn't see Carmine. I didn't see Mr. Barone. I just, yeah, I didn't have a car to go down by Carmine. so tomorrow I'm going to get an earloat. He's you to me. Oh, he fucking torments me with this shit. So it's like, but I've seen loops.

I've seen Timmy Holloway who gave me statues of Jimmy Page and, you know, Timmy had some problems and he cleaned up. And he looks fucking like a, like a model. We gigging my asses off last night. He drove me in and out of the city. I saw the freehold of an area. We went at the dinner at Rudy's. I saw James.

I saw my girl Lisa Messina. I saw James' daughter. I saw the hand group of people. I saw Grandma. Oh, she's still hanging around. 97, but she thinks he's 103. I saw his daughter. She thinks she's 103?

Yes, he goes, I'm 103 and George's arguing with it. Grandma, you can't be 103. You were born and whatever. But just seeing all that, that even grandma, when grandma was 60, I was there when she was 60, and now she's fucking 90 and she's still tormenting me. You guys, you smell like eke, eke.

She used to call Eek, Eek, Reefa. That's so funny. Opie and Anthony was great. You know, just seeing Jim and Pete fucking is crazy. Davidson, yeah. He's fucking nuts. I love him.

He's fucking nuts. Well, did Vanieri ask you to be his driver? No, I asked him. I said, what do I fill out on application? And he just started laughing. You know, they talk about that political town, how political it is, and they're robbing. But you know what?

The town is clean. They got anti-fucking, I went on Friday night to the park, and I saw all these different type of cops. And my friend explained to me that their task force on Fridays and Saturdays to get the curfews and stuff like that, you know, 11 o'clock. I mean, do I believe in a curfew for kids? If I had a curfew, maybe able to grow up to be a different person. So who the fuck knows?

But it was just great to go home. The shows were great. to the stand. The first show I did well, the second show I ate dick. How was the food? I heard the food's great there. I didn't eat. Oh, really? No, I didn't eat. I had this drunk guy give me a fucking earbeaten. The whole night. I couldn't eat because if I got food and he sat there and gave me an earbeaten, I just hit myself

in the head with the fucking arugula sandwich, whatever the fuck I was going to eat. The stand was great. Gotham was sensational. I got to tell you, that's a great comedy club. The people, the organization, the staff there, is sensational. Yeah. Sensation. What makes a good staff?

at a comedy club. As a comic, what do you look for? They're efficient. They're quiet. I didn't even know they were there. Everybody asked you if you want something. Can I help you? Is there something I could get you?

That always blows my mind at comedy clubs when you can hear, like, the wait staff aren't quiet. And I was a waiter. It's a hard job and you're going to make some noise. But like some waiters just like full conversation level start asking people what they want during a set. And I'm like, it's just. You do realize this is a comedy club, right?

It's like it's not TGA Fridays where you last worked. No, there's people. Hey, listen, I did the 1145 show. Yes, and they must have been tired. So it's going to be a fucking late show. Yeah. But you know what? It went smooth.

My set the first night was a little choppy, but second night I really had it down. And that's all that mattered to me. I always want to perform strong in New York, you know. Is it? Because you, you're, you're, like, selling pretty well around the country. But, like, for the past few times you've gone to Gotham, we've sold out pretty. Is it still cool to you? That was like a week early.

Listen, this shit's not supposed to be happening. It's happening. And a guy like me, I'm like a kid in a candy store. It's pressure, but at the same time, I fucking love it. I love living him like this. And I love the people who come out and the people I talked to. I met so many cool people with a black guy who called you and threatened you. If you didn't come back to New York with me, the next time he's going to shoot you.

He's going to come. What do you say to me? He's going to come down and roll up on the ears. He's like something real talk, man. It's been three years. Where the fuck are you? And I was just sitting at home. I didn't have a chance to tell you.

I had to get a star. Oh, I know you were freaking out. I was just sitting there to hide and you were calling me. I was like, why is he calling me? After the third black guy came up to me and looking for you, I go, that's it. I've had it with these fucking black people looking for Lee. They don't like me. They're looking for a Jew.

What the fuck is wrong with these black people? I don't know, but I love it. This guy had dreads. He was solid. He came right up to me, gave me a hug. Another guy. The guy that called you looked like that guy from that group. I can't remember now.

I'm sorry. He was dynamite. I thought maybe it was Renee. New York City's got some dynamite. Renee and Carseon was there. New York City has done. We have a great network in New York City. When the people come to the shows in New York City, they shake my hand, they look in my eyes.

They hug me real fucking hard. They appreciate it, which makes me appreciate them. I never had this before. I can't even get on. I can't even get a fucking special on Netflix. I can't do nothing. But these people are coming to the show. So what the fuck do you think I feel like?

What the fuck do you think? I got to work harder now than I've ever worked. Why do you think I'm here? Because I want to thank those people. I want to thank everybody who supports us. We got a great thing. We have our own network of people to help each other. Look at the fucking picture.

Oh, yeah. Let me zoom in on this because this is great. This is just amazing. This is the shit that, listen, man, I get assholes on Twitter. but guys for the 90% what we have going on on Twitter and Facebook amongst ourselves it's fucking amazing I'm telling you

I want to cry sometimes this picture right here by levpaliyakoff dot com this is one of the greatest and he drew Fidel perfectly and super bad and fucking dimmy he must have looked at old videos or something so I got to respect this guy

it's Lee killing the fucking devil We're going to put this in a poster with his permission. We're going to get a hold of him. If he's listening, I want him to contact this. This is just mind-boggling. Some other guy, great guy and a sexy, beautiful girlfriend came to the shows. They gave me an album. They gave me Blizzard of Oz, the first album.

They came to fucking two or three shows. What about the Blizzard twins? The Dragon Twins? The Dragon Twins were there. The Dragon Brothers. They came with a boat, a Kung Fu-looking motherfuckers, ready to tackle people. Like I said, man, I'm here tonight because I just couldn't wait until Monday with a guest.

We love you with all our fucking hearts. And this is not about monetary. This is not about shit. It's not. And that's... This is about... I want to come. I'm with my family.

I was just laying on the floor with mercy. Watching fucking, umpy dumpy on Halloween or some shit. And I just... I learn. Listen, man, I wouldn't want a life. I didn't learn things about life. But most importantly, I didn't want to... I can't imagine not learning things about myself every week.

I like looking back on Sunday and going, wow, that was a great week. What did I learn about myself this week? And this week for me, I learned that, and that's why I don't harp on it, man. God makes his choices. Karma makes their choices. But you have one thing at the end of the day. And this is, I've always judged myself by this. And this is your friends.

The people that are around you. The guys that came from Timmy Holloway to Lubbs to... How's the lubes? Oh, listen, I wasn't in the hotel. I got to admit something to you guys. All right. I get off the fucking plane. They take me to the hotel.

I'm not at the hotel 10 minutes, and the phone rings upstairs. I never, ever, ever answer the hotel phone. The hotel phone rang? Oh, shit, that's old school. And I didn't answer it. And right after that, the phone rang. And he goes, where are you? I go, I'm in my hotel room.

I go, what time do you want to hook up? He goes, I, I'm already downstairs. I go, park the car. I'll come down and get you. I went down, he had a tub of chicken cutlets, Parmesan, and a bowl of baked Ziti. That's a way to greet somebody. I sat right in front of him.

I hugged him. We went up to my room. I ate the Ziti in front of him. And then he goes, oh, I forgot this chocolate cake. My mom made chocolate cake for you, you know? And I go tell your mom, thank you. Let's call her. And as I'm doing all this, I'm realizing I've been going to this kid's house to eat since 1970-fucking nine.

How old were you? First time I walked in this house, I was 15 years old. I walked in this house a month before my mom died for a party. We all played hooky. Do you remember what it looked like? Do you remember what the house looked? Oh, yeah. I'm fascinated by that stuff.

He still lives there. The house looks like, it smells a certain way. He still lives there. He lives in the middle room. At that time, he shared a room with his older brother, with the medium brother. They had a basement that was all made for weights, all homemade lat machines, all this shit. And I remember that he had a little party. And I had stolen some coke from some coke that was downstairs in my basement.

My mother was holding on to some people. I took a little bit of it, and I had it hidden. and I, that day, I took it to the park. I took it with me to school. And I took it to the party and I pulled him aside and I thought, you want to do some Coke? And he's like, wait, you get it? And we got peppermint shnaps in vodka and we made drinks

and we sat down and I did a couple lines of Coke with him and I threw the rest away. And it was our bond. It's been our bond forever. Coat. I turned this way and his, well, it was just something. It's like Timmy Holloway. Me and Timmy Holloway did that,

jewelry store, you know, that's a bond that'll last forever. We got away with it. You know, we both had something. There's something about a street bond when you do something. There's something about a bond of human beings, but there's different bonds. It's like twins have a special bond, you know. When I see Timmy and everything else, it's forget, like I forget everything else, I just see that kid that we were both 16 in the same boat looking for a fucking direction. And here we are 30 years later. Who the fuck are we kidding? We're still looking for a direction.

How long has Louie's been bringing you chicken cutlet and pasta to hotel rooms? Like you've told me that he did that even when you were like coming to visit. The bigger the man, the bigger the mistake and the bigger the story. You know, whatever the fuck you want to talk. I could look you in the eye and tell you as a man that if it wasn't for

Jimmy Loob's Roger and Timmy Ascalis and George Kaladinsky I would not be here today I know that for a fact because Loubs has been feeding me

and giving me 20s since I was maybe 17 you know 16 was the first time I went to his house but when I started getting into trouble and needed rides and whatever he's been there for me for all those rides

you know I was telling when Mike Ascalis, who were sitting there talking, and I said, I go, there was a time when I used to sleep in your backyard on the, you know, the fucking things where you take a suntan and you lay down,

you know, like the lawn chairs or hammocks? Okay. In the winter, with a jacket on, with a hooded sweatshirt. And then I would wait to the morning, because everybody left the school on knocking the door, and Janine would give me breakfast. And I'd sneak in and take showers in the fucking basement. And she'd give me a clean shirt from her. her father's to wear and I would have to avoid her father all day because then he would say how did you get one of my shirts

you have no fucking idea so I know I know you and your stepfather didn't run on in the best terms right and I know you chose to go with the benders because it would have upturned your life but when you're sitting there homeless none of you were like okay I'll go live with him I'd be I wouldn't like it but it wasn't and there's no way I was going to give into a guy that I was at real I wore with oh there was no way and I don't know I was It's just that I could have gone to one. That's just so crazy to me. I didn't want to admit that I lose.

I had people that I could have gone to, you know. But I look at this kid loops that in 1993 when I was starting comedy, he was bringing me, you know, little things. I remember one time I came up, I went back on the road. I was in 98. You know, I would stay on people's floors and go into the New York Comedy Club and do spots. And I remember one night I was waiting for a bus and he pulled up. I can't lie you have like maybe $18 in my pocket I was still doing blow he pulled up he's like what's up

nothing I'm going to the city He goes get him I'll give you a ride He goes I got something for you in the back some valiums Let's do a bump You know do you need money to get home I mean this week when I was home he He's the one that drove me to the cemetery I had a he wanted to pick me up

And drive me to both gigs both nights And I told him no you know I'll go with my friends you know Whatever I mean it's just a amazing to still have that support system. I don't ever want people to think that I was just out there. One thing that kept me alive was a support system I had. But because I had that support system,

I also wanted to make them proud, which has always been very important in my world, is making anybody who did something for me. Anybody who sat, like, if I come to you and I go, dog, I'm going to bind. And you're like, what do you need? And I go, I got to get to San Diego by 10 o'clock. And you're like, you know what? Come on, come on.

You got weed? Let's go. And all on the way down, I go to hand you 50 bucks for gas. You're like, don't worry about it. I can't never forget that. And then you drive me home. Let's say you're not even a comedian. Let's say you're just a lawyer and you do this for me.

How do you think I feel? You just gave me a ride down there to do my dream. And you enjoyed it and you had a good time and you came back. I'll never forget those people that gave me rides. fucking filato last week. You know what the most special thing about shooting that special was? Tell me. That the guy, the least likely, we all have something you want to do with your life.

And then you go to the people that are the closest to you. And you tell them, you go, you know what? I'm thinking to become a professional dick sucker. You know, I love eating in them and ends. You know, whatever the fuck you want to become. And let's say you go to four of your good friends. friends, two of them are going to tell you you're a fucking loser and two of them are going to support you. You know, two of them are not going to say you're a loser.

I don't want you to put it like that, but two of them are just going to raise the other possibilities. You know, you have a family. What are you going to do if you fail? And then you have two friends. Let's say out of those two friends, you have one friend that is very, he has shit going on in his life. But the other friend is a childhood friend who's a mess. What if this guy that was a mess The least person in your life

Drove you to gigs What if that guy gave you a book once On stand-up comedy? What if that was Philado's cousin? In 1993, when I went back to New York And I didn't know what I was doing in my life At 32 years old, guys, I had no idea what the fuck

I was gonna do with my life I had been on stage a couple times I was like that girl that fat shamed I was telling people it was a comic I was no fucking comic I was getting on stage once a fucking month I told him my dream And for some reason

He would push me every day You go to the city tonight and do comedy Let's go I'll give you a ride And I'm like oh fuck Now I'm in a bunch Yeah Now I'm gonna fuck Why do you think I push you with the Jiu-Jitsu

Anything I got that from From him Yeah Because I get it I get when sometimes You need that person to say come on And now you're in a spot Why'd I fucking even tell this motherfucker

I did I did I can do comedy for And especially like when I'm like dreading Jiu-jitsu If I don't have an explanation If someone's offering you a ride, it's like you can't even say, oh, I ran on a gas. My car broke down. Like that, okay, let me ask you this.

When you first started comedy, did you enjoy it? Yes and no. When did you start, like, when did you stop dreading it? I am. You know what I didn't like about it? That I sucked. Yeah. Nobody likes to suck.

Even if it's jumping jacks, nobody likes to suck on anything. But anybody who has a brain will go home and go, you know what? they'll go on YouTube in today's society I don't know maybe 20 years ago when I was grown up I couldn't do that but they go on YouTube and they see somebody who is doing it and they'll say you know what if he could do it I could do it that's the mentality if he could do it well I'm gonna try till I do it and maybe if I don't fucking get it at least I fucking try right but that was why Falado was so special that he was there because it was like a representative of his family like it was in other words Raygo was there only

Falado was representing them. This is the guy that got me into comedy. This is why it was so special for me. And did you, like, have to ask Falado? I, like, I'm asking, thinking I know the answer. But a lot of times, you'll people will do something for you, and then they'll ask for something in return. It doesn't seem like any of the people you mentioned did that.

Maybe they did, I don't know. Not one of them. Not one of them. Not one of them. You know what they wanted for me? for me to do some with my life. That's what they, all those people that fed me and took me to rides and George.

You know, George, I hadn't seen George in sophomore year in high school. I would communicate with him from time to time. One day in 1985. So this is hitting me, man. Good. One day in 1985, in 1984, 85, I bump up to George.

And he tells me that that, you know, he's doing this and this. I got arrested that day. I called George up. He bails mad. He brings me to his house. That was the beginning of my life. That was the first time I didn't get in trouble for three months.

I really gave it a chance. You know, this was a kid who broke me into his fucking home. How many people bring you into their home? And after that, like, we were talking to the United in the way to New York in front of his new girlfriend. And we were talking about Aspen. Like, when he came to visit me, and then he came to Boulder. And then he came back for the fucking sentencing. And these are my friends of 30 fucking years that have been there for me.

And, you know, when they come to the shows and also they, people save my name and the room erupts, it's got to do something for them if they're in the room. This is the same kid I fed and gave $2 for the bus for. And look at these people from the podcast coming out and applauding. It's a fucking great feeling in front of my friends. Do you like your friends coming or would you prefer they didn't? Certain ones. Okay.

Certain ones. I don't mind if they come. Certain ones I can. fucking just go off in front of them. Certain ones, me knowing they're in the room, drive me crazy, because I know why they're there for. Is it you being self-conscious, or you think they're going to ruin it?

No, no, no, I don't know anything. Timmy came to both shows. It was phenomenal. No, no, him. I'm saying the ones you don't want there. I don't know. I just don't want the ones that are going to reminisce and breathe on my neck and be doing fucking blow and, you know, they don't want to give me a chance with the people, with the podcast

people. They want to take over the stage, over the podcast people. Stand right. Yeah, I can't deal with that shit. It's interesting talking about, like, a change and all that. Because you asked me a few months ago, like, if I could be doing anything, what I would do? And I said doing this. And then we've been talking recently about what I'm going to do next.

And an issue I had for my whole life was looking, like, looking forward, like, not enjoying. And I've been, I was thinking the other, I got a little bit too high the other night. And I was just, like, I don't know if I want to be a manager. I don't know I don't this is the first time kind of in my life that I don't know what I want okay let me ask you this let me ask you this nobody's saying manager let me ask you this what if what if Netflix gets into the podcast business

and they want to hire you for chief operations of network control because you know about podcast this is leading to something yeah I don't know what it is I don't know what it is and that you said because I don't know what it is They used to terrify me. But listen, the worst thing a man could do is think. Yeah.

Okay? The worst thing I, this was something that was told to me by a wise man when I was 19 years old and I was bleeding out of my asshole. The worst thing a man could do is think. The only thing a man is expected to do is get up every morning and do the best he can and move a little closer to reaching his fucking utopia. And that's mentally, spiritually and physically. That's what you go for. I did not know that at 21, guys. I did not know that.

I did not know that this is the mission to be happy. That's it. That's the mission. To be fucking happy. To have the ability to go, you know what? I'm not flipping burgers and then out burgers, dog. I'm not doing that. This is what I'm doing.

And to have the brain to know that this is what's not going to make you happy. And to take chances. There's just so many things that are part of it. young man's fucking life. One of the worst things are, thinking. I want you to write your goals. You know, I want you to have a clear vision of a 90-day. What am I going to do?

But you don't know where this is going to end up, Lee. You're going to be, when I'm dead and fucking buried, one day you're going to look out a window, spark up a cigar or a joint, and you're going to go, look at what I'm doing today. It all started in a fucking room. A dumb room with a Nazi fucking fucking. fucking flag and Charles Bronson sitting across on some fat ex-felon that didn't know dick about dick because you're on the ground floor of something huge.

This is communications and this is something that's needed daily. Entertainment and communication. Yeah, and it's great for me, but I've been talking with so many people now. Like there's this one and I'm going to respond to his email tomorrow. He's not sure if he should go to college for podcasting. And it's... Would you go to fucking college? for podcasts. I don't know what to tell him. No.

I fucking no. It's the scholar. This is the college. This is the college. Who's going to teach a podcasting class? Let me ask you. What fucking person is going to teach a fucking podcasting class that hasn't had a podcast for five years? I would only take 10 people's podcasting classes right now if they taught them. Nothing else. At a college degree level,

10 people's podcasting classes. Adam Carolla, what makes a successful fucking podcast? I would take my podcast class. I'm not a successful fucking podcast, but they're a podcast out there that are fucking successful. Do you think they went to college, you fucking moron? This is what the problem is. You go for like sound engineering? Fuck sound engine.

This is how you learn sound engineering by people in your emails and going, Joey. I can't fucking hear you. You talk to Lee. We figure it to fuck out because they teach you that theory, but they're not going to teach you what the fuck we learned in five years, which is still what they're going to need to do. Right. So no matter how much fucking. chalkboards

and clapping of fucking erasers you do. The only way to get this is technicality. You know, there's a class in fucking Hollywood that you don't roll. They just teach you submissions. You do not row. It's for people who do not want that physical contact. I learn how to do an arm bar.

I do not fucking row. That's great for theory. That's great for theory. But the only way to get better at that is to roll around and have people get on top of you and twist your fucking fingers and poke you in the fucking eye. And the only way to learn this, the only way to learn anything in life is to fucking do it.

If you want to do it while you're getting a little theory, but, Louie, again, who's teaching these podcast class? Right. Who? Let me see who. Who? I've been a consultant. You ain't shit. Because you didn't do this, nay in and day out.

You weren't with us at 6 a.m. in the fucking morning in a fucking apartment, smoking and yelling with fucking foreigners throwing shit at you. You weren't there. So this is what I'm saying. Right now, this, if I was to take a podcast in class in 10 years, yeah, because by that time, Caches Morris could teach a fucking class. Right, yeah. Who knows more about when Cassius gets to his freshman year in college and he takes a podcast in class, he's going to get up after three days and go, you're all a bunch of fucking assholes. It won't even take three days.

Won't even take three days. But that's the thing. It's like, from the minute I'm going to. can remember, even as kids, you're asking, what do you want to be when you grow up and all that? And how much were you right? All you dumb motherfuckers that are fun, would it be a bug-and-buying by a man? How many years you're ready to climb a fucking ladder today? None of you.

You don't even know what the fuck you want to do when you're 18 and you go to fucking challenge. It is the worst fucking decision we make in our fucking lives because we do 50% of it for our parents. More than that. Yeah, I'm just going with 50, Lee. I'm just going with 50. People go to college, 50% for the parents, 30% or 20% of what surrounds them. I'm like, I want to be an underwater biologist because a bunch of jerkoffs in some class. This is college.

This is USC. This is San Diego State. Now you're going out there to beach. You have all these things to throw your mind off. You're not in high school no more. Mommy's not flipping your burgers and making your laundry. This all kicks into your day. So that underwater biology shit becomes.

fucking sociology 101 you know what I'm saying? Psychology 3 whatever the fuck you choose you don't have come on no come on they want you to make a life decision at 18 years old to what you want to do and it's not even a life decision it's a fucking life decision

are you paying are you paying fucking money right now for school loans but that's my point it's a life decision that costs you $100,000 that you goddamn right so you fucking think about it does a child it's not like okay at 18 listen Come on, who the fuck are you guys getting? I was a child.

18, you're a fucking child. I was a child at 18. Yeah, I thought I was in the mafia, and I thought I could do this and that. But I had the mind of a fucking child. And yes, there's some of us that are very special.

They know what they're going to do at 18 or whatever, but those motherfuckers put a gun to their head at 38. I thought I didn't. I thought I knew. No, we all, really. Every child, every 18-year-old child thinks they know what the fuck they want to do at 18.

and they don't have a fucking idea. So, you know what? Worst case now, you go to school for four years and you take a major that could turn into anything else, like a master's or maybe law school or maybe whatever the other thing that they call it. That's the only thing I would decide. What would I do with Mercy?

If I was 50, 40 right now, and I would be there for Mercy. You want me to tell her what I'd tell her to do? What? Honest? Yeah. At 18? Cause I'll tell you how this.

Something like that. For one. year, I would make a child going to the workforce labor for one year. It's something that they kind of like, you know what I'm saying? Like something they can. You can always get an internship. Yeah, but I want you to make money. I don't want you to be fucking interning.

Fuck you working for free. Fuck that. I need for you to get up in the morning and know what it is to get $230 and know how to break it up. I live with mom and dad. I'm going to chip in 50. I'm going to put 30 towards my car, 25 towards my car insurance. 50 towards reefer.

I want you to budget. Interning, I still got to give you Guitous. You've got to learn how money moves when you're a child. You have to learn how money moves when you're a child. You have to learn to put money away when you're a child. Something I did not do. You have to learn to, you know, there's so many things. You know, there's no paper routes today.

I blame so much on not having paper routes because it teaches you how to protect your shit, to how to collect, to how to sell, to how to upsell. You only get Sunday. For an extra 12 fucking cents, I'll give you the whole week. Okay, you learn all these things from selling a fucking newspaper. Yeah? From selling a fucking newspaper because nothing teaches you more about life than belly to belly sales.

Belly to belly sales. So do you think like a year of that? Because I don't, I'm bad at that. I'm bad at that. I'm bad at selling. But what I am good, like what I think did help me was working retail or customer service. Then then like being a better person. Yeah.

I don't care if you go to GNC. G and C and learn about vitamins for a year and then you go to yourself, you know what, man? I thought I wanted to be an astrologer. Now I want to get into fucking sports medicine. I want to help people do fucking sylips. I want to help fat people lose weight.

Whatever the fuck of it. But I don't think you really know what you're doing at 18. I have to tell you an interesting story before I forget. Okay. I tell people this all the time. I go to Jiu-Jitsu on Mondays. I go to Wednesdays on Hegans, and I drop in on BJJ.com. People think I'm fucking, you know, Andre Galval.

So everybody always invites me to their places. And 90% of the times I got to tell you something, I'm fucking petrified. I'm fucking petrified. Not because I'm just petrified. I'm out of my comfort zone. Once you're out of your comfort, and I talk about this all the time. So my plan for the last two weeks was to go to Marcello Garcia's 1130 to 1230 Fundamental 2 class. That was the fucking plan.

I go to an Opian Anthony Now I find out the night before At the Pope's in town They're gonna lock up all these fucking streets Blah blah blah blah Opin Anthony ends like a fucking 1035 1040 after the hugs and the pictures And the whole thing

I didn't hit fucking downstairs To 11 o'clock I was fucking starving I stopped I got a Sabret hot dog And then I went to hail the cab It was 20 minutes to get a cab I go fucking I'm never gonna make it to Marcella I even asked the guy goes

I gotta go the long route You won't be there until about 12 I said, fuck it. Let me just give me a ride to the A train. So I took the A train and I went up and I walked around and I had my ghee and shit. And I went back and I stopped on the Jersey side at this at this kettlebell place, this whatever crossfit place. And I had kettlebells and I went up to the account and I said, listen, how much to do the kettlebells? And I was 25 bucks.

I go, okay, but you got to be back by 4.30. It was like 2.15, 2 o'clock. For a class or just a train? To train because at 4.30, the classes start from 7 to 9. And they're like CrossFit and pulling yourself up TRX and all that shit. So I saw a UFC gym. In fact, my nephew, Dedy's nephew, Carlos' son worked over there when it first opened. So I went over there.

And I go, how much are you guys charging? I go, you can buy a three-day pass. But you know what? Just come and work out, bro. We'll work straight here. And I go, do you have a jit-o class? They go, we have a no-gee at 7. but we have a gear at 5.30.

Oh, my God. I go, okay, I'll be here as I'm walking away. I go, what the fuck did I just say? I was shitting my pants, Lee. You know what I'm going to? Because at 7.30, you could have been like, oh, I'd be late for my show. But 5 o'clock was right there.

I went and I went home and I wrote and I spoke to some people and I thought about it. And I walked over that five. I got a protein drink and I took my little energy pill and I walked over there. the first 10 minutes for hell. He made this run. I had a run in front of all these young kids. You said it was on like the third floor too, right? He's on the third floor, which gives me fucking anxiety as it is.

But when I walk in, I saw a guy from naughty by nature. Treck. His kids go there. A lot of celebrities, a lot of football players and basketball players live in Edgewater and Fort Lee and all that. So I go upstairs and I walk in. There's three guys. Oh, perfect. This will be a small class. Oh, fuck.

about 528 8 kids walk in and one guy's like Joey how are you oh my god I would listen to the podcast I ran I did a couple of hip escapes I almost had a heart attack I didn't even do the I didn't even get to the hip escapes I was out of breath from just running and doing something else he was making us do

and then he made us do getting out of your guard 50% oh my God I was so petrified but I got to tell you something everybody in there was The nicest person in the world. Everyone else,

the fucking teacher, his name is Karuma, Anderson Karuma Santos, was so fucking good. He was so good. I left there, I was drenched. I mean, my knee pads under my ghee were wet. I rolled and rolled and rolled and rolled,

and they taught me out to half guard in the deep half, and I had such a good time. I go, can I give you anything? He goes, no, no, it's on me. Thank you for. coming. I went right downstairs and I booked a private and I came back the next day at two o'clock. So two days, the thing that I hated the most that I was petrified of, I fucking went and did, and I got to tell you something, Lee, I had a fucking great time. I had a great, and now every time

I go into that area, you know what, I'm going to go see this fucking Anderson Karuma guy because he was that fucking good. He taught me some fucking tremendous shit. Not to mention, I was drenched. I love when I'm workout and I'm drenched. There's one thing for you. t-shirt to be wet. There's one thing from the top of your pants to be wet. There's nothing when your knee pads and your underwear are wet. You're like, God. Damn. Well, thank you for that light Ghee, by the way.

That saved me the other day. Oh, my God. Oh, the Sanable? Yeah. Oh, that's Sanable? Yeah, those are the Higuan. Oh, my God. They're really ultra-lightweight, man. Ultra-fucking light in the summers. There's a guy I have that's like a fucking, like a fucking fur. I think that's what you gave me, too. The first one. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. That's a normal one.

heavy as fuck. But do you like going to see different teachers? Because I was here. Do you do people talking about that? Like either they go here and a day go here. And I'm like, that's a lot of money to be spending on Jiu-Jitsu, but there must be a benefit to it. You know, John Evan gives me a flat, which is very cheap because I was

with them before. So he goes, just pay me what you were paying me before. V-MAC gives me an individual rate, 15, 20 bucks. For John Bunn, he's worth every fucking dollar. And just for the school, man, they're in a neighborhood school. So if I go in there, I spend 200 a month on Jiu-Jitsu, it's a lot.

I don't give a fuck. I threw away thousands a month on cocaine. Thousands. I'm spending 200. I'm something I love doing. We give the other guy $20, $15 for the kettlebells. Yeah, that's cool. What do I give a fuck?

Yeah. It's worth every penny. It's not like I go out to dinners or I go to fucking premieres or I go to helicopter rides. But there's kids who aren't making a lot of money doing this too, and it's crazy. But they are or they aren't? They aren't. No, there's no money in Jitsu, but you have to contribute and you have to help and you go to these schools. Listen, these schools are your community.

I started at VMA when the schedule didn't suit my needs and I had to go elsewhere. It hurt my feelings too. Then I got the knee surgery. I love John Bud and Marcello. And I love John Evan over there and I love fucking Hassan and my buddy Zach. I love all those guys with all my fucking heart, man. but Egan was down in Beverly Hills by Hollywood where I had to go. I had a relationship with him from before.

That's where I went. I don't like going over the hill for Jiu-Jitsu. I like keeping it in my neighbor. I'm a neighborhood fucking guy. You support the things in your neighborhood. Oh, no, but I'm saying like, do you like going to John Budd for one thing? And then Hogan, is it kind of cool seeing how different people teach? You know what, man, for me, it's great that I'm just involved.

Yeah. And once my schedule adapts and V-MAC ads, day classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, I'll just go to V-Mack, happier than shit. V-MAC is a school that's coming up. They try. It's that neighborhood school. They charge you $70 bucks a month. Yeah.

$70 a month for Jiu-Jitsu. You know, and they do barbecues, and they get together. They just all went to a wedding this week, and they do little things, man. And that's what part of this is. When I was doing Coke, yeah, people call you up, hey, you want to party? But besides that, people never hit me up and go, hey, man, you want to go exercise today? or you want to go do kickboxing, fucking jiu-jitsu. Everywhere I go, somebody sends me an email and says,

hey man, you're a big guy like me. I'm a blackmail. You want me to teach you some big guy stuff? What the fuck is that? I'm not a fucking no special person for them to reach, open up. That's jiu-jitsu. That's why I break your balls about it, because it's a different community, it's a different feel.

It's what I've been yearning. For 30 years, this is what I've been looking for. I didn't find it with comics. I didn't find it with comics, because 50% of them are there. be your friend and the other 50% are hoping you slip on a fucking banana peel and die. So there's no camaraderie there for me. There never really was.

But if you're in this area, man, I had a great time with Kamura and the guy, the Brian Garcia guy that runs the UFC gym, he fucking opened up his heart. You know, listen, everybody's always talking about how they're heavy, they're sick, this and that. The answer's right and funny. These people are not there to hurt you at these gyms. some of them are scumbags but some people are genuinely there to go

hey man if you want to help me help you lose weight I can help you what's the matter Lee what the fuck you're sitting there blinking like a this is hitting me it's not fucking hitting you know I don't see no devils no stars yet you're going to put some fucking music on

or you're going to sit there it's fucking Monday morning cocks suckers get your shit together but the whole thing is I got out of my comfort zone and I feel fucking great about I really do I had a this was a one of best weekends ever. I got to see my friends. I went to Rudy's twice.

I had some fucking mussels marinerra. I had some, oh my God. The Galaamara was off the fucking chain. There you go. No raviolis? No, I don't go to fucking New York Diaveoli. Fuck out of here. I want to be around pieces.

Oh, my God. We got a live one tonight. Your heart. Some, somebody. I got to get up. I'll tell you if I'm high. Hold on. Leave it up.

Leave it up. A somebody who will swear somebody twice as smart as I. You always that retard that bumps into the fucking DJ boot. You're always that fucking retard. The DJ booth is the entire operation.

You always hit the, the fucking thing with your finger. Why is your finger even close to the fucking camera? Because you leave, don't worry about changing the fucking camera. Just leave the music. The music is the most important thing. I don't care about the fucking camera. The hell's the matter with you, cocksucker. I won't stop watering.

You what? I won't stop watering. I know. What's wrong with your eyeballs? You've got that thing on your left eye again. You get that fungus in your eye again. Yes, you do. It's fine. Go look in the mirror. I know it's I know. It's not. God damn it. Holy shit.

What? This is fun. Yeah, it's fun. What? I've been telling you for years, there's nothing wrong with a good head of acid. You know what I'm saying? Go home. Go home once a couple of fucking episodes of narco, go out and stab somebody and your fucking acid, fucking reflux, you know.

Oh, my God. That doesn't matter with you, man. But it was great. I learned a lot. Vegas was great, the special. I don't know when, you know, it's just all this. It's just shit we have in the eye. I still got a CDA taped in D.C.

That's ready to release. We're just ready for all the pieces. Now the next mission is the book with Gordon. That's it. That's the next fucking mission. I really started looking at it when I was in fucking New York. Just little notes. It's going to be tough.

But I've got to really focus on my writing now. So I'm going to set two hours a day just to fucking write from now on. That's it. Now that I got this other shit. On the book or just everything? Everything in general. I really have. There's days I write a long time.

One day I travel and I won't write. And that's the whole thing. You've got to work the fucking same muscle every day. it's really important. So, stop looking up at the fucking ceiling. There's nothing up at the scene like that retard that looks up. What are you looking up for? You're going to go to Philly and have the Pope touch in the head.

They can hear you. Did you watch any of the Pope stuff? It was on at the gym. And I'm Jewish, man. I understand that it's a big deal for some people. I don't understand waiting in line for 12 hours. Who waited in line for 12 hours? They were saying people in Philly.

That's what CNN was saying. People were there from like 630 to 630. People came from all over the world, I suppose, all the other states. I read about a family who came to a Volkswagen bus. I know he's not God, but he's like the level down from God. Isn't that supposedly like, I don't know? I don't fucking know. He's just a grand high poop.

He seems cool. People seem to like him. Well, he's a hip. That's what they say. He's hip or whatever. As an old school Catholic, how do you feel? I don't. I can't lie to you.

For me, religion is something that you do on your own. It should be. It should be. I like it on my own. I'll go to church. I'll put a couple dollars in the basket. I'll eat the fucking cookie. I hit a confession from time to time. But I think it's how you hold yourself on a daily fucking basis.

That's my religion. That's my religion. How you, you know, hold yourself up on a fucking daily basis. This time of year is always weird because it's like the high holidays. It's the young people poor in Russia, China. A lot of Jews on a flight today. A lot of them, a lot of them. And I don't know, man.

My parents fought about it. My dad was less religious. My mom was more. So that was weird. And then it always creeped me out how, like, people would go there just to be seen. Like, just because they have to bring in chairs. So did you feel that also growing up that most people were there to be seen? I don't know.

I don't think I was, I don't think I was eight, but I remember going in high school and being very up. It's just like it's two days out of the year. I'm only there. Hold on. I don't mean to interrupt you. Go for it. Because I say this to Rogan. And he always, I could see that he always, do you feel that a lot that most of the things people do it to be seen?

Or is it me by myself and my fucking 20-year cocaine paranoia? I think you point out the more minute ones. I think there's like stuff like that that's like, oh, that's blatant is kind of, I think some people see. But then I think it's just based on experience. Because like I'll be watching reality TV with Paula and I'll point out, hey, they made her say that. hey they reshot that well like just something i can see or like the audio's weird and she wouldn't notice because that's she hasn't spent hours looking at that so you've spent hours and hours looking at people to make fun of them in a way or tell comedy about them so you probably are

more honed in on it i would i would think when i was uh when i first went to church i couldn't figure out where people would close their eyes oh god and spin around and make believe like the whole you I couldn't figure it out. And I started closing my eyes, and I realized nothing fucking happened. The only one that does look cool are, and I know there's probably a better way to say this, but the black churches, like the ones where they're singing and having a good time, that seems like a fun way to go. I've been to those.

Tremendous, like I had a friend that used to go and went to twice. Listen, church, religion is what you believe in your heart. How you act yourself accordingly, whatever the fuck you believe in. I don't want to sit here and preach to people what the fuck God is or whatever, because to everybody, everybody has a different God or maybe no God at all. I know there's something out there. I know there's a karma.

In my world, in my life, I know that karma has to do a lot with things and I know that there's something out there. I was shown something early on and I know there's something out there. Whether I believe or not, I know it. I feel it for me.

But I don't think... I didn't like going to church every Sunday. You went every Sunday? I went for a few years every Sunday. And I didn't like... it either. I thought that when I got to Boulder was the first time it really disgusted me. That's the first time church fucking disgusted me. Was they all go on Christmas or Easter or something and never go over again? You know it was a good Catholic? I'm going to tell you it was a very,

very good Catholic in my life, my old in-laws. The Kings? Yeah. Very good Catholics. Ray and Lorraine, very good Catholics. Went to church, they did the stipend. You know, they had the priest over once a week, but he cursed. He was in Vietnam. You know, it's just a belief that he had. And I liked him. I went to his church, Sacred Heart and Boulder. That's where I got married.

I didn't like the Gentiles that went that sat in the front that were involved with the church. And there was one guy in particular, a realtor that was cheating on his wife with this young chick. His wife was atrocious. I mean, I'd shoot her. I wouldn't cheat on it at that point. but he was cheating on him,

but he would sit in the front and act like he was the best Christian. And one day, like, he went to give me an election. I told him, like, do me a favor, go fuck you something. Right. You got some pair of fucking balls. Those are the people that tick me off. And that's 70% of religious people. You think is that high?

Well, okay. Go to New York 42nd Street at 8 in the morning when I was a kid. 50% of the clientele in the fucking boxes jerking off. with a city of Jews, Lee. Yeah. Running out of there with that dirty jacket with a napkin would come on it to go throw away or they'd take it back to the synagogue. Okay? And, you know, whatever the fuck they do with it.

You know, Lee, these, I don't even know what to say. I don't want to embarrass anybody. These Arabian prints when they come over, they got wives. What do you think they come over here? Do you hear about the one that just happened in L.A., I think? It's either L.A. or Florida. I forget. I don't know. Where this girl was trying to escape the compound?

And they called and had to have him arrested. Why do you think? Well, you think these Japanese guys come over? You think they come out and play cards in Vegas? They come home and they get 12 blondes and suck dick for a living, Jack. Five grand a night. That's what they want. They don't want no misunderstandings.

They don't want no amateurs. They don't want none of Cosby's rejects. They don't want nothing. They don't want nothing. They want perfect. This is what they people do for 2,000 fucking years, Lee. Do you think Cosby ever give his word of approval on like a hooker? Please.

I don't fucking know. I'm just saying, why you got to fucking throw me off my beat here? I'm just as high as you, I'm suck. No, but it's, I don't know. And I'm not going to say that. I don't know if it's 70% of that. 70%. I'm telling you, all these religious people that, listen,

all these people that push their fucking religious on you were at one time correct you. You know, the guy who fucking sent me the email last week that, me and my wife walked out with a bunch of women. You don't, you should do comedy like Cosby. Cosby's a rapist, motherfucker. You know, there's a majority of people that put religion. That's their front is their religious beliefs and shit.

But meanwhile, their personal lives, their pieces of shit. Their pieces are fucking shit. Those are the ones that fucking torment me. Those are the ones that eventually I say, hey, stop, stop, stop with the ukulele. My cousin Alcuella, I loved Al. I was family since I was,

little boy. I knew the mother, the grandmother. It always is kind of scary when you look like... I went to church with the tambourine, the pastor, Lord have mercy, prayers before dinner. Meanwhile, he's snorting cloak, coke, eating pills and getting his dicks like the dealership. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you

embarrassing me with this religious shit? Me? I tell you what my beliefs are and I tell you what I've done. I was a thief. The dudes who got killed next to Jesus for fucking thieves. I'm not blaming none of that shit. I'm a thief piece of shit. but in my whole heart the whole time I would think about religion

I wouldn't think about it do you know what I'm saying like at night when I was going to sleep I would think of all the things I'd done and then I would think of religion and I get really fucking sad today I baptize my daughter I fucking go to church

on my own very loosely I do not talk about it I don't push it on my wife there's a 730 mass I tell her I gotta take a ride that's how special fucking I do it I go, I sit in the back, I get emotional, it brings me back to my childhood, I get in my car,

I go home, and nobody knows I did it. You understand? I consider going this week, but I felt like a hypocrite. To Temple. Yeah. You have to go. Lee, go and get your roots. These are your roots.

This is who the fuck you are. But then I'm the person that I hated when I was at 8th when I was 16. Now go, go, now go, go, I'll remind yourself why you hated yourself on the way I'll call me and go, Joey. Let's eat a star and fuck these two for the ass. Right or wrong, but why not walk in and see where you came from? Why not walk in? Maybe you'll give you an idea.

Maybe it'll make you go over there and do it podcasts. That's probably where I was most bored if I think about it. Sure. Because I don't speak Hebrew. So those hours of sitting there. Just doing nothing, wishing for it to be over. Just praying. That's all I would pray for us for it to be over.

You know what I would do when I'd sit in church as a child? I remember because I went to Catholic school. So you had religious studies. So while I was in church, I would daydream about the lesson they taught us. And I would think about what Jesus, you know, whatever the fuck story they had that day about Moses or the Corinthians, whatever the fuck. I would think about that, you know. I don't know. Religion's weird with me.

I just, I don't like people who push it on me. I don't like none of that stuff. You're a religious person. Keep it to yourself. Keep your belief to yourself. And don't talk about it. Let me see you live it. It's weird when people have that in their, like, Twitter profile.

They're like, God first. or whatever. Okay, good. Let me say it. Then there's a picture of you on a boat with your tits out, on a ship with some fucking fate producer or some shit.

That's the shit that bothers me, man. Everything else, I don't care what people do. Listen, in bold, I had a friend who was a Harry Krishna. He lived down the block from me. He stunk, but the dude was solid as fucking molasses, man. He talked to you from the heart,

and you know what was special about him? He never said nothing to you about being a Harry Krishna. He never said nothing to you. Did he wear like the robes around you? He had the hairdo, the fucking thing. He stunk, the shoes. But he was solid. What are you going to do, man?

People have their own choices in life. As long as they don't invite me and push it on me after the third time, especially if I'm high and I'm having a bad day. Because you're always like on, and at 3 o'clock in the daytime, your mind's always on fire. You're thinking about the end of your day, what's going to happen tomorrow. You're scheduling, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden I bump into your...

There was a Jehovah Witness that was coming. of North Hollywood, I had this guy strung out for maybe four or five months. I think I was there when he came a couple times. I told you. I had him on a string. I talked to him for two minutes on the phone rang. Hold on. Let me call you back.

Listen, I got to catch you next week and I leave. I had him on a string because he spoke to me correctly. It's when he showed up with a partner that it pissed me off. Two times he showed up solo and I spoke to him about whatever. We just kept it on a fucking very natural basis, films, his religion. how long he had done it for, why he did it, that he was a Catholic or whatever the fuck

he was, and then something always happened. Once he showed up with the partner, to shake me down, that's when the relationship ended. Once they show up with two or three... Cross the line. Yeah, they crossed the fucking line. You want to show up fucking solo and talk to me

about fucking Jehovah? What is this? An ambush? What are you doing? You're trying to crack funnies? Let me get some shout out to you. I want to give a shout out to all my buddies. I want to give a shout out to my brother, Timmy Holloway. It's weird.

We were in New York last week. It was the anniversary of us doing our thing when we were kids. And I'm proud of you and you look good. I also want to give a shout out to Kay Jha. My man in Vegas who hooked us up. Oh, yeah. Bad motherfucker shit. I had put the note in my pocket and I forgot it and I found it on my desk.

So, sorry it's late, but I love you. David Christian's Davin, you cocksucker. Trying to ask me if I just woke up. My man, the greatest blind comedian work on Angel Adorno out there and his beautiful wife. Chinese dragons in New York who showed up. I love you little Chinese motherfuckers. Renee and Cauchion with his band The Fucking Hooligans and the dude who was getting married. My main man, the guy who showed up with the Blizzard of Oz album, I looked at that album,

almost fucking broke down into tears even tonight. Harry Secimery, my main man in Glendale, the Flying Armenian, Dustin Zawaki, John Fentros always with us. Joe Skibbera. And again, I want to thank Bruce Garcia at the UFC Jim at Edgewater and my main man Anderson Karuma Santos for taking good care of me. And my man, LevPolykev.com.

He's Levpo at Twitter. If you want to hit him up and follow him, the guy does some great fucking artwork. You know what I'm saying? So that's it. Lisa. I had it was a two-hearted. I was only home two out of ten fucking days.

and I did it. I couldn't believe. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown along the way. Oh, you were talking to me about Friday night. Okay. Guys, listen, I get fucking bored. The New York show started 1145. Again, 1145.

That must be torture for you. When I pulled up at 1145, there was still a line outside. They don't even start seating until 10 to 12, and the show starts like a 10 after 12. It's a real New York City show I work for that fucking dollar on that show What the fuck am I doing? Yeah, fucks, you probably didn't get on to Clist of One

I can't hold that You know me But fucking nine o'clock I gotta pop a star I gotta get the blood going You're only human Things are happening I pop like two stars

Get the blood going From there I said fuck let me get the blood going I pop two more I leave the house A total of three stars I heard already pop five. My brother picked me up at 10.

I popped two stars, and then in the car I popped two more fucking stars. Now I'm 10 minutes away from going up on stage for the first show on New York City Friday night. I go in my pocket, the phone's ringing. I go, and I go, what's this lump in my pocket? And it's a piece of paper with a star that's starting to melt. I'm not doing it. I'm not going to let a fucking good T.HC star melt. So I pop this motherfucker on stage.

Like the church soldier you are? It's New York City. When you go on stage in New York City, you got to go up there and fucking throw fucking chazams at them. I went out there Friday like a fucking devil. 12, 14, 16 minutes in Lee, I feel like I am about to pass out. I get nauseated. My stomach just drops to a certain level of nausea.

I can feel the temperature in my body changing, but the heat rising in my head. Oh my God. Sweats coming from part. parts of my body that haven't had sweat on it in years at that night, part of the night. It's just, like, weird. Like, I'm doing jujitsu sweating on stage all of a sudden. I'm looking to my left on this side of stage, fucking packed house. And all of a sudden, my vision goes,

oh, no. And the back of my mind, I'm like, I'm about to pass. I really want, Lee, no shit. And they knew it. The audience knew. So were you still talking? still talking, but kind of incoherently.

And all of a sudden, I and I just went into a bit or something, and it saved me. And I felt myself work, and I kept breathing. I kept saying, Joe, just breathe. And I kept going through it. And then after about six minutes, I told the audience what had happened,

and they caught it. They started laughing. They saw the sweat on my body. It was fucking amazing. I fucking loved it. I love it. Did that make you want to do animals, before you go on stage.

No, no. I'm not doing it fucking no more until Tuesday. Before the laugh factory. No, until Tuesday. No, I don't know. Like, I'm out of stars, and, you know, we've eaten a fucking 2,000 stars in two weeks. Like, it's over. We have to give the stars a break.

I'm embarrassed to even hit the guy up anymore, my main man. He hit me up today saying hello and stuff like that. But I'm embarrassed to even fucking, uh... Why are you laughing, Lee? How are you feeling, motherfucker? Huh? You're feeling good, right? Yeah. I don't think it's really, listen, let me tell you the story.

I'm at the fucking stand. I'm mind my own business. Guy comes in. Joey, he was there last year. Gives me a hug. I love this kid. I love him. Everything about him. I don't know what his name is, and it doesn't really fucking matter. And all of a sudden, I don't know where he goes, I got acid. Oh, no. I go, fuck it. Let's see what you got. And he had a whole sheet with Einstein on it. That was a piece of Einstein's head you had.

What part? Like the hair over here, over to the fucking. Oh, it's good. Maybe I'll grow hair then. Yeah. So he fucking, he gave me two pieces. As soon as he was giving it to me,

he goes, make sure one of them is Philly. That's how much people love you. So I said, now I was in my kitchen at the hotel and the pieces of paper fell out on the floor, and I caught it because they could fucking disappear. And I got it,

and I put it under my jersey, Mike's point card, where it was nice and tight, and I put a piece of tissue in there so it couldn't fucking fall out. And boom, there we are. Here we are. A little ass of.

though for us, but you know what? It's not the acid that I used to get as a kid. We dropped it at 9 something. It's 10.26. I'm not seeing nothing. But we haven't played any music yet. What do you want to play? Let's play some fucking music. Just to get this fucking party started. I didn't bring my vapor pen, but we got a fucking, we got a jar that gorilla biscuit. O.G., whatever. You want to smoke more on top of this?

This is what you can. This is how you fire to fire. Oh, bro. Oh, my God. This is how you fire to fire. What we're going to do is we're going to do. the pot we're gonna put a song on something to trip to you want to put something heavy on fuck it something really heavy extra heavy deep deep deep heavy how deep

all right let's plon sabbath bloody sabbath just for the fucking lyrics and then we'll blast into some uh... Sabbath bloody sabb maybe some fucking brain salad surgery by emerson lake and palm or something like that i don't fucking know lee Fuck, they didn't take it down. That thing lives on this.

Hold, no, I'll find it somewhere else. It's just the one we had saved. Watch the beginning of this. It's fucking, the guitar is tremendous. How you do it, cock suckers? Oh shit. I hope you're with me, motherfuckers. Monday morning, September 28th, October's coming.

Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? It's the church, bitch. Edibles, acido, a fucking number. And 10 days of fucking Vegas in New York City. and I'm still taking, bitches. Fuck it. Grab your balls. It's going to be a beautiful motherfucking week.

Listen, man, it was a great fucking week. Listen, man, it was a great fucking week. That's all I want to say. And I got to, the reason why I'm doing this, I really, uh, we're lucky. We're fucking lucky, man. When I was up on 148th street walking around and I walked up that hill, I can't tell you how lucky we are. that we have each other and that we're growing. Every day we grow together on the show

and we see different things. And hey, people come and people go. I get it, man. I don't give a fuck. As long as you got something and you fucking... But this weekend I really learned about friendship again. I never forget about it. I always keep it dear to my fucking heart

because I saw the gift of it as a child and it blossomed. And just sitting across from Timmy and talking to him and sitting across from Loubs this week. and I go on to dinner with Veneery and James and just seeing my friends. I don't know, it makes me validate it. I don't know, it just really makes you value the gift of friendship, man.

You have a friend, you know, everybody always says, I don't have enough friends. I just got an email a few weeks ago, guys said he was shy and he has friends, but he doesn't know how to know what? To have good friends, you gotta be a good friend. That's it. That's the bottom fucking line.

You know, you want a guy to like you. You want to build a bond with somebody. You got to pick up the fucking phone. You got to invite him to do shit. And that's how you build bonds. You know, anybody could build a fucking, be fake friends. You know, I hate this holly with fake friends shit. It's scary to invite.

Like, I'm a shy person too. Like, I don't have many friends outside of this. Like, I invite somebody good. It's hard to imagine. We meet people. We meet different people. You meet ten people. If you're normal, you're going to like three of them, correct?

Maybe. I mean, three people you're going to like, right? Maybe you have the same, not the same, yeah. Interest. Yeah, you have the same fucking interest, whatever the fuck it is. You pursue it. You keep in touch with them. You let them know you have their back.

For those kids that came to. get me at the hotel and whatever. Let me tell you something. I know that I could ask them for anything. I don't want nothing from them. But that's dirty years. They're not around because they're fake friends or they're like, hi, we knew each other in the eighth grade.

Oh my God, my son loves you. Now, fuck that. They've been there since day one. They fed me when there was nothing there. There was no reason to feed me. There was no reason for them to fucking invite me to the house. I was just a fucking dirty kid from the neighborhood. That was a thief.

But somewhere in there, somewhere in their soul, they fucking gave me a chance. They gave me a chance, bro, and a lot of people didn't. So I'm really happy to have that. And if you have that in your life, those certain people,

maybe you're off the track with them, pick up the fucking phone, and that's it, because, like I said a thousand times, all you need is three people in your life. See, what happened was that show friends. Fucked every young man up after that. Everybody wants to hang out with eight people.

Oh, my God, and have parties and go on vacations. Yeah. noise. Three motherfuckers, somebody gets killed, nobody knows nothing. All those movies, right? When they go on a basketball party, they kill the stripper. Now you got to worry about eight people. It's a joke, but what I'm saying is in reality, man, the gift of friendship is fucking beautiful. I'm very fortunate to, they've really seen it from the inside out. A lot of people never get to give the friendship from the inside out. So, what do you think, fucko? I think it's pretty cool

You want to smoke another joint? No really Why don't we smoking our number Set this mother Set the pigeons loose I don't know how I'm going to home You know you're getting home You're fine

You weigh 50 milligrams 200 milligrams Oh fucking stop it Stop it's always this It's always that The rappers are right there Gentlemen Ladies and gentlemen

The gentleman of the court What are you looking for? Nothing I ain't looking for dick Every time I ask you You sit there like a moment I'm gonna be in Toledo Ohio this weekend at the funny bone. But listen, anyway,

let's start from scratch here. This weekend, when I went down to New York, I actually missed the hemp protein, the Onit chocolate hemp protein. I got the recipe down so good now with the ice cubes, how many ice cubes, with the water, with the banana. That is the best fucking,

and I've had other proteins. Other companies say, hey, try our protein. I've tried it. I like the chocolate flavor. on it has the best fucking hemp cocoa fucking protein you'll ever taste and they say the hemp is better for you in your stomach i don't know about this i just know i never get clogged up none of that stuff on it has some great fucking products they really do today i took the shroom tech

and i also took the one uh the thing before i got on the plane i only got one package left because it's a six hour fucking flat i didn't sleep last night what's it called turn around 180 I put that right in the water As soon as they came ladies Like what are you on a mimosa? No, give me fucking water bitch She gave me a little container water I put it right in and I shook that motherfucker

I drank it I had already two stars in me I don't have time for chitter chatter I popped that whole fucking gallon A little 186 ounce water With the 180 Listen guys I had my little breakfast I went to sleep for three hours

To sleep back in your mask I only took an hour and a half nap today I'm here with you guys That's it I don't know you see I'm so jet-like That's fucking that's for fucking pussies

six hours there six hours back I didn't sleep the night before save it for somebody else that's the power of fucking on it the poop is in the pudding look at my fucking eyes and I came up

and been played with the fucking two and a half year old so don't fucking tell me go to honor dot com whether it's a shroom tech sport the turnaround 180 the alpha brain which is basically

the fucking turn of 180 with just different stuff in it that's all this is alpha brain even helps when you fly against jet lag not that I'm one of those Guys, it's going to sit there and karate. I'm just like, no, I'm not one of those fucking half of fruitcakes.

Do me a favor. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off on your first order. If you fly a lot, honor is the way to fucking go. Even if you just want to lift weights or whatever, whatever you want to do, walk around the neighborhood. Onet protein powder, the hemp protein, as good as it gets.

That shroom tech, when I fly, look at me, I'm not sick. People fly, they get sick. The shroom tech, uh, not the immune. Again, there you have it, people. So the proof is in the pudding. I don't give a fuck what you think. For you guys, are the single, you know,

you go home at night, you got to eat fast food, you don't know what the hell to eat. I got an idea for you. How about some Blue Apron? Blue Apron's got some delicious, nutritious meals, but the best thing is, it's gourmet recipes and all fresh ingredients.

All you need to do is make them, and they get delivered right to your door. Blue Apron, let me tell you what they got this week, for the two-person plan. I don't care how lonely you are. you could always find some fucking mook to come over and eat. They got the panseats steaks and the Cajun catfish. Are you fucking kidding me or not?

Are you kidding me or what? It gets delivered right to your door. All you got to do is take it out of the box, put out your frying pan, your bacon pan, whatever it calls for. They even send you the seasonings. You do everything. They do everything. All you got to do is put it together. They tell you $4.25 for 16 and a half minutes.

They tell you everything. A fucking Mo Mo Moe can figure. of this out. Okay? So what you do is that's for the two-person plan. Let's say you got a family of four. Let me tell you what they got. They got Shepard's Pie. They got chicken-chicken-pressed tortas. I mean, come on.

Who can live with these things? Because I don't know how to make a chicken tortoise, nice and pressed with different cheeses. They always got nice salad. Everything is always on the healthy side. The calories. I mean, this is... Between 500 and 700 calories. Between 500 and 700 calories a meal. Yeah, there saw some bum on there,

Twitter, and Joe Rogan, me, and whatever. Let me taste them. I get these sent to me. I love them. I fucking love them. I can name like 10 dishes. The tilapia they sent me was delicious. They sent me those tacos.

Everything I've gotten from them that I have cooked in that house has been and my wife makes the bok choys and all that. She likes that stuff when I'm out of town. So do me a favor, all right? I'm doing you a solid again. As our listeners will get two meals for free. Go to blueapen.com. slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with blue apron.com.

So please go to blue apron.com. Look at the menus. Look at the prices. You're going to be blown away, but I'm going to do you one better. I'm going to give you two meals for free right off the bat. Think about this. Pans see it steaks. Deliver to your house.

You're tired. You don't know what the hell you want to do. Nine out of ten, you go eat fast food or whatever. It's the same amount of money. You cook it. You control your calories. You get healthy. Do me a favor.

Blue Apron.com slash Joey and get two meals for free on Uncle Joey. Again, Naileditlife.com. You got a vapor. You like smoking wax. You want to see the motherfucking devil? Go to NaileditLife.com right now. And look at the great selection of vapor pens they got.

Plus, they do those goomies or monos, but unless you live in California, you're getting dick. Don't even ask, dummy. All right, so do yourself a favor. Go to Nailed ItLife.com. First order, you get on the vapor pen, 20% off. So it's 50, you get it for 40. Delivered to your house. Everything we do here, I get it delivered to your house. That's the beauty of blue apron and get delivered to your house.

The vapor pen, delivered to your house on it. Delivered to your house. Use code word Joey Diaz to get the vapor pen. Use what code word Joey Diaz to use the vapor pen. Also, a lot of people complain about the bottles. And when I put the nasal spray in my nose, do me a favor. Go listen to somebody else. I'm not fucking around with you people I come up here on a Sunday now away from my family Oh well can you please use a different form of container

You're making too much garbage How about when they come in your mouth What do with that? Please Some of you motherfuckers listen to the wrong I'm over it Like we have a fucking family here If a little water bottle and salt you

Maybe you're hanging out with the wrong people Maybe go to Starbucks and get your little hat with the umbrella Whatever the fuck you do, all right? How are you feeling Lisa? I see? I'm feeling pretty great. Society makes a big deal about nothing, Lee.

This is what I've been trying to talk to you for 20 years. When I was a kid, they tried to scare the shit out of me. I live in fear, Lee. I live in fear. I was scared to go into a fucking jiu-jitsu gym.

I almost ran away. I live in fear. Don't be scared of nothing in your life. Give it a fucking shot. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? You're not going to die? You think my buddy

would give us something that's going to make us die? Isn't it make it sound? I'm going to give you a little smile on your face. Listen, this ain't the acid. I used to get an 80- fucking 1 or 78 or whatever. We're high for 12 hours. We'd already be off our rockers.

We'd be hearing noises or shit. Thank God that's not happening. And we put 10 milligrams of tears. 200 million. There's not 200. You know, I never give you 200. You do. More than 200 on a regular basis.

I've been lying here for fucking years. Cut it out, Copsuckers. We're back tomorrow and I, 8 o'clock with my main man. Mickey, Slicky, Bettencourt. And then we're back. Wednesday afternoon with the church of what's happening now. Again, thank you you people who came out to Vegas to support it to special. And thanks to all the motherfuckers who came out this weekend.

This is becoming something great, man. I love you guys. You guys are making me a fucking better person. So thank you for helping me, man, all right? Like I said, you got people in your life that matter. Go get them a fucking tackle. I love those guys. I really did.

I had a great fucking time. You had a great time the last few times you went. Yeah. So thank you very much. See you motherfuckers tomorrow and I have Monday morning You'll be listening to this wake up grab your cock Ain't nothing for free cock A suckers

Can I have the fucking fucking fucking Come on Lee Put the fucking music on again You're slowing me down You're slowing me down by giving me the paper There you go This show is brought to you by Blue Apron Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes

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