The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #321 - Mick Betancourt

Episode Date: September 29, 2015

  Mick Betancourt, Comedian, television writer and producer, and host of "The Mick Betancourt Show" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 09/28/2015.
   Music:  Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine El Raton - Fania All Stars Featuring: Cheo Feliciano and Santana  

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They are the makers of Los Gumi Sharmados Go to NailedatLife.com for all their information Oh shit Kick that Lee I'm over here fucking death I can't hear it September 28 The Church of what's happening now This is the attitude

This is the mental tooth This is what's one written on your dick. Here you go. Kick it, Lee. With some bass in that, motherfucker, Lee. Oh shit. Oh shit.

The day the devil was buried at sea. Motherfucker! What? What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? The church of what's happened now? Your host, Lee Syatt, Joey D. is my main man in house. Make Betancourt. It's a beautiful day to be alive, you bad motherfuckers.

What to do? Oh, my God. Everything all right in your world president? I can't believe that's from Sesame Street. What's that? Yeah, that's a good fucking little jam. Kids jumping up and down. I would love to play that in the sixth grade.

When I was a freshman in high school, I failed. I didn't fail. I did something with algebra. I failed algebra. So how to go to summer school? So they say, listen, if you're going to take three, you might as well take, if you're going to take one class, you might take two and get ahead of the game. So I decided to take world history, and the teacher was this guy named Freddie Teranova.

And he was known for being hilarious and for nobody's ever cut him. He had the reputation that you just did not cut his class. People went to school just to the teacher was that cool. I still talked to him. No shit. But the first day of summer school, he goes, put away your books. And he fucking took out a record plane. He put on Woodstock.

And he sat in the back of the class and just started yelling, that's fucking history. Fuck Abe Lincoln. He could suck my dick. And we're dying. That's why nobody ever fucking cut him. You remembered every fucking lesson he taught. Oh, my God. His first 15 minutes was he'd make you get up.

Like from the beginning, like Mick Betancourt get up. What's up with those shoes? Oh, he'd roast you. Yeah. And then he'd sit out. And then the guy behind you. So that was 20 minutes because he knew that no matter what, you're going to be rushed up for his class.

So no matter what, he's not going to get started. it until he gets you. Yeah. So he would involve you. He would comb his mustache in the fucking mirror and do this with his eyebrows and everybody would see it. I never forget there was this Hindu girl named Hohuba. And she had size fucking 19 feet.

Her feet were fucking ginormous. And they were wearing sandals even back then those fucking. I wonder what her name really was. Ahoba? The fuck's wrong with you. Of course that's a real name. What's the fuck like she changed it to Hahuba? Like her real name was something else.

She's like, you know what I better change. No, I know what he's saying. I'm not saying she changed it. I'm saying after 30 years. Her name was Habba. So throughout the class. After the marijuana filter. After the class, you know, during the class, the whole class would say.

The whole class would say says, uh-huha. Here at the reunion. Hey, Ah-Huba. My name's Mary. I didn't see it to Hoh-Huba. She was like an Indian chick. People like, Hoh-Huba. I remember when they picked this up, he goes, hey, guys, lighten up on the

a hubas. She was said right there. What's up, Lee? How was that acid trip? Describe it to me. I recorded a podcast, I think. It was terrifying.

It was good until you started wiggling around and made that poster behind you, like start swirling into different colors. But other than that, it was good. I just, it was, uh, they scare you? Like, I took dare and, like, you think things are going to be different.

So far, everything I've taken is pretty much the same. high. Mushrooms, weed, and acid, it's pretty much the same. What? Mushrooms aren't the same as... If it was up to... In a way, like, a light amount of mushrooms. Well, they know you're taking the wrong amount. Well, yeah, I mean, he hasn't given me like 18 grams yet. Pretty

soon. You usually got to chomp about half an eighth to get fired up and then... No, a good gram. A good fucking gram. What's an 8's 3.5, right? Yeah. So a good gram, you should be fucked up on... I was never a mushroom guy. You were a... Jersey. I was an acid guy. So, it was

I don't like the way my back would feel like someone was trying to bend a piece of metal when the Strychnine came in. This wasn't the last two times I've done acid. It wasn't what it was like take you away type shit. Like you were not taken away. When I called you this morning, you were not still wide away. If that was good acid, we would have not slept. Oh, yeah, for sure. I was tired at 1230.

I was embedded 1230. Oh, that's a good, nice buzz then. We took it at eight. We took it at a quarter of eight. and I was in bed by 1230. That was your first time ever. Well, it's kind of hard to tell what happened because we also did take a lot of edibles.

We took 200 milligrams of edibles to take. 20? 200 to get you there. 200? To get you there. There's a buffer. Okay. I don't want them to get hit.

Let's say the acid is really good. You know, if you were out and about and the acid hit you, it should take you for a loop for about seven minutes. You're knuck for a fucking loop. And I didn't want him to panic if he got, if it was that strong. We were at a Denny's one time in the

guy goes hey I got one hit of acid who wants it we're standing outside and I go I want it so I take it and I eat it and I go to my friend Jimmy and they'd all take an acid before I go I just took some acid can I sleep over at your house tonight and he goes fuck did you does there any more acid I got I took it all and he goes now I got a fucking babysit you all night I'm like I don't worry about it so I page this girl that I was dating straight-laced girl like cat like just every choice she made in her life was fucking the right one so I'm like if listen drop me off over there and if I start to get squirly I'll call you. We go in the basement. It's all

stucco walls and she goes You know, I'm just really glad you hear my Grandfather just died. I love him and I Start looking at the fucking walls and skulls Start pouring out of the walls. I'm like, I need your fucking phone! I need your fucking phone! So I'm starting to fucking... I got a phone and I'm going like this. She's like, why are you poking the air? Because the buttons

were just coming off the phone and I go, I need the fucking nine! She's like, you're on drugs. I'm like, you're insane. So I'm walking the air. walking around with my hands on the fucking wall going find the fucking nine the last number in jimmy's fucking pager is nine she goes it's on the phone he came and got me best friend you know a good pal that is like all right i'm gonna i have to sit with this knucklehead now until six in the morning and i'm literally on the french put on his front porch going there's alligator's in

your trees he's like okay guys so you're full on hallucinations i like i didn't i had like so i had some wavy stuff. And I started, there was a, like a soccer commercial for like, like whatever that Manchester United and it had like little kids running around. So you got a little teary-eyed, but other than that,

nothing really. No. Oh my God. No, no. I'm telling you. Would you ever go, would you ever want to go there, though? Would you ever want to like either lose touch with reality or at least have it be

about half and half? For a four hours, three hours. You have done it. Listen, man. Like, he used to, he used to get mad at me. because I would say no to edibles, like, and I would, I would, I would, now I just can't,

now it's not even that I, now when your eyes are open, you're like, what the fuck's going on? Well, yeah, I've given up, basically, fighting them on it. I think it would be fun. I don't, it was, it was a lot. And then I Uber home, and that was terrible. You never got that on mushrooms? You never, you never, we took such a little amount. I don't think of, oh, you got to set him off.

I didn't want to set him on, you know, I didn't want him to go all, you know, it's bad. It's bad enough. I take him into murky waters with the edibles. What's weird about this building is, is you're in this room, and if you go out and it's your first time, and he's going to want to walk around, and it was just gunshots outside. But the funny thing is, there's not much to react to acid if we leave here.

There's a Denny's. There's a gay bar. Or we could get in a car and go to Hollywood, which I'm too old to go to Hollywood, whatever. You need to be, what's that word? You need to be, when you do acid, it's got to be an overload. Like the lights. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Visually stimulating. Like a Vegas or Vegas. So if I went to, like, the band I like on acid, that'd be fun. First of all, we should have done, now for the next time, we'll do two. If I got the opportunity. Oh, my God. You drop two or three of them to really, really. Right one, the tingle starts hit the third.

And a lot of Rifa, you know, a lot of Rifa to feed it. I like when you think you're coming down and you jack up again. Boom. Or like, we're like, okay, we're good now. Let's drive home. And it's five in the morning and something happens and you start giggling. I actually miss that. I can't tell you how many answers I got.

Like people went in this movie with whatever that we went to see last week. Black mass. Black mass. Did you see it? I was how with you. It's okay. You didn't see it with me? I saw it next to you. You did?

Yeah. Where? At the soft point, I'm sorry. That's right. That's right. He was there. You know, there's a part where he says that he took 70 acid experiments. when he was in prison.

You know, he's crazy. He's crazy. Oh, is that LSD? Yeah, he did LSD experiments in prison. He volunteered for $10, you know, 70 times or something like that. Oh, my God. 70 times is what I did from November to December, my sophomore year in high school, because I was selling it.

But I remember, like, I would be upset about, at that time, I was upset about my mom, I was upset about my life, living with people. I was upset about not having a girlfriend or not. That's crazy that you. You took acid, though, because usually, like, I would drink or I would smoke weed. That was, that relieved the pressure. Acid so intensified everything. Makes your mind.

Yeah. I wanted to break it out. I wanted to work it out. So I'd go home, take a head of acid and sit in the dark. Oh. And listen to Megalmania. I listened to Black Sabbath sabotage from beginning to end over and over and over thinking until I got the answer to my whatever.

Yeah. Whatever bandaid I needed to. There's nothing else like that. Like a, I mean, I've done mushrooms. There's that. What do they call that? A guy was on my podcast did the, the South American Amazon jungle thing. What is that thing that's like?

Canoca, yeah, yeah. Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca. That's what he did. Ahuba. And just went to fucking Jupiter and back. A hubba. You know, I did heavy duty window pain.

And I did heavy. There was another acid that I did one night. It took me four or five hours where you're like, you're in it. You're in the mirror. You're drooling. you're fucking you pale your eyes are wide open you know you're seeing it last night

no no no no you have no idea this is rocket ship this is taking acid at 6.30 with your friends and at 5 in the morning you're still giggling dog oh yeah and from 11 to 3 you went through the heaviest fucking part you were at a party with six of your friends

and every time you look to each it's really weird because yeah you're connected you're connected me you and mick go to a party there's 100 people at this party. You start talking to Jordan. I start talking to fucking you know, Brett Ernst and McBandek-Band the corn is talking to Amy Schumann.

But I'm just saying these things. We could be 30 yards apart and every eight minutes we will pop our head up, look at each other and go look at each other. That's when you know that life and energy are fucking that when you're partying at that level

that was a situation. The week before my mom died, I went to a Halloween party that by law I wasn't allowed to go to. Like it was one of those adult Halloween parties, like the seniors and the seniors are supposed to be cool. And these were the cool kids at school. But one of the guy, I hung out with his brother. Two of their brothers from that clique. So I got invited to this Halloween party.

It was in an attic. But the beauty of it, there was a hole in the middle of the attic. And every 18 minutes, somebody would fall out of that attic. fucking hilarious What? Yes, so you had to climb a ladder to get to this attic from the basement

So no, not from the basement You walked into the garage It wasn't connected to the house So you basically walked into the garage And there was a ladder And then you walked up the ladder Into an attic that was finished But the hole was in the middle

of the fucking thing And the ladder was only like four inches Over the line So a lot of people didn't see it And no one put it like a chair. Nothing. You could get chances. And all these 18, 17-year-olds were there.

And this is a week before my mother died. I remember this night vividly, vividly, because a lot of shit happened. Like, I went outside, and all of a sudden, I was walking with this girl that I was not dating at all. By no means or even having the illusion of date. We were just, a bunch of us went outside to get there. And her 18-year-old, 19-year-old boy from was driving by and saw her with these six guys outside just getting there. a Halloween costume, pulled over and grabbed her and dragged it to the fucking car. And I knew this kid could kick the shit out of all six of us.

And out of my natural reaction, even under the acid, I ran at the guy. And I go, stop. And he put her in the car and he goes, I'll deal with you fucking later, motherfucker. And people were like, you're dead. He's like, I'm looking for you. And that Tuesday, I bumped into him. He was like, hey, man, what you did the other night. Thank you.

I was out of line. and we became dear friends forever from that night. That was one of the, in fact, the only reason why we were going to go hook up with a girl and she goes, the girls are around the corner. I'll take you over to where the girls are that you guys are looking for. That's what really happened. And that was the night I kept calling home. I had no curfew at that time.

All my mother wanted me to do was just to call in, call in, call in, call. I mean, I was doing acid or Mick, I was doing, I got into snorting Angel Dust. my going into sophomore year that summer and I got a lung infection and I was spitting blood but it was from Paracoat. Paraquot was a chemical that was sprayed on marijuana then to destroy it

and I smoked a lot of it and I got this infection in my lung. I spent two weeks in the hospital I got out of the hospital in fact oh my God look up just so you know I'm not bullshit none of you motherful. This is crazy. Look up the night that

Muhammad Ali fought Holmes, Larry Holmes, what date did that happen on? That was the night? Watch this. I'm just going to see if I'm even fucking close. Maybe I'm wrong with the date. Is Lee's Stripe Shire could explode? Am I? Let's see.

Go ahead. Really crazy fucking thing of this is. October 3rd, 1980, I think. Is that right? Is that right? No, it was the, I want you to look at Muhammad Ali's fights and see what he fought. in 79. Who did he fight in 79? It usually tells you if you IMDB and not IMDB. Wikipedia. Wikipedia will tell you all his fights. Okay. And he'll see who he fought in 79 and what date he fought in 79.

This is craziness. I could be wrong. Find it. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Oh, there it is. He fought once or twice in 79. I want to know if this is correct. He didn't fight in 79, according to, oh, here we go. It was in 80, sorry. He lost to Larry Holmes on October 2nd of 80. And then the only fight before that was Leon Spinks. He beat in 70s. Also remember that you were on acid.

No, there was somebody. He was either Larry Holmes fought somebody. There was a big fight that night. And it was in September of 79, because that's when I went to the hospital. I went to the hospital. For your lungs? For my lungs. for my lungs. The night I got out, I was in there for 10 days.

Holy shit. And the night I got out, there was a party that I couldn't miss. And I remember getting out at 2 in the afternoon and having 100 hits of acid in my pocket. What's his name? Holmes had a fight on September 28th of 79 in Vegas. What's today's date? The 28th. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with, motherfuckers? Don't ever tell me my fucking business. Who did Holmes fight? Who the fuck did Holmes fight?

Ernie Schaevers. I told you there was a big fight that night because I still remember where the party was. I drove past it the other night. And here's the funny thing about that party. This was a part of town in my hometown North Program was 64th Street Field. This party was off it.

And some of the people from 64th Street Field and all this took window paint acid, four-way acid. It wasn't window paint. I'm lying. And some kids showed up. That was crazy. and while we're tripping, because this only happens when you do acidly. This is the other flip side of acid.

Things, people come to you, they're doing weird thing. This guy shows him, and he's like, how are you guys doing? And he would spit into the air and let it land in his mouth. And that's what he was doing all night. He came fucking what he... No, no, but he did not know we were on acid. We didn't know the fucking dude. He came up.

He just came in a circle. You hang on a circle and some guy came up. Hey, man, what's happening? And somebody thought he was doing something. Oh, talking about a spin, look what I could do. He'd spit up in the end and he'd catch it with his own fucking mouth. We're on acid. That was September 28th, 1979.

A bunch of, and I got out of the hospital, and I didn't stop. That was the drug of choice then. That was pre-cocaine. Cocaine was out there, but we were kids. We were listening to music. Cocaine and music just didn't go together. It was Studio 54. We were listening to Sabbath and Aerosmith.

That called for fucking refere, for mescaline, and fucking. you know ups and shit like that what's up Lee what were you I mean we were fucking nuts Lee you're on death's doorstep I just can't imagine no I'm fucking honestly tonight's like because we only smoked I can't imagine you being 15 being sober for two

weeks and then just doing like months of straight ass coming out and just that scene at that time at that age we were there was so many clicks and so many things going on I was selling so much of it I couldn't play football I wasn't going to play basketball so I had

already committed. I had that lung infection in August. It took me a month to go to the hospital. I didn't want to go to the hospital. I was spitting pure blood. Yeah, you don't want to miss shit. I didn't want to miss shit. Being a fucking tough, man.

Oh, it's tough. So here I am in this fucking thing. And I'm eating acid every time I went out of the house. I eat. You know, at that time, it was like an edit before me. I was dropping. When most kids were splitting ahead of mescaline, I was eating two of them already.

Me and Didi and this guy, and we're just eating this fucking acid. And this led into the, night my mother died that a week before that Halloween my mom dies November 8th that was a Halloween party it was like on November 1st you know one of those Saturdays after Halloween yeah deal so I went out with the we were tripping our balls off and I remember walking home that night and walking the door at 5 in the morning she smacked me in the face and I was coming down off the acid but

the night that I found my mom dead I walked in that house full trip moment like we dropped it at 630 And at 10, there was a fight. So the cops came. So we all had to run into different directions. I hooked up with this girl. I started making out with her. Her curfew was 10.30.

Here I am. And then once you start walking, it's like going on stage on an edible. You add gasoline. You're just adding adrenaline. Once you start walking, the acid blood's going on. And then I got to my house. I remember laying down and faking the funk and trying to be asleep. And I went into this acid-type sleep.

And when I found my mother on the floor, I was in the tail end of acid. It just fucking erased the feeling, like right there. And a week later, I started on the acid again. It was my drug of choice at that time. Holy shit. I didn't know you found you about when you were tripping? Yeah.

At the tail, I did the... So then you called 911? Call 9-1-1. So you're still tripping? At that time, it was the haze, the tail end. I remember going to eat breakfast with my friends, like an hour after I found it. And that calmed me down. And I just...

I didn't sleep that. And then you just pop some more to fucking check out. No, no, no, I didn't do nothing for a few days. I just had that because I had family and people coming. I still was smoking dope. Don't get me wrong, but I wasn't drinking and nothing like that. I didn't do anything. But that's how my end up to that.

I went on an acid trip. You know, I went to see Pink Floyd the Wall. I went to a couple more concerts in the 80. Who took you, though? You stayed at the department? No, I moved them with friends of mine. We had a house in Northbury, and I moved in with friends of mine. But it was funny.

Now, I really, really liked the acid. That's why I didn't mess around with mushrooms when I moved to Colorado. Yeah, that's more. It was considered more of a hippie drug. For me, I want the heavy shit. I want to see the devil. I say this in all my family. See, but I never got that with the acid.

I always got it with the mushrooms. The hardest I ever tripped was on mushrooms. Hands down. I used to do some fucking acid, man, that you'd catch that four-hour window. And you'd just sit there and look and stare and see things. and have thoughts in your head and giggle. And, you know, I remember going to a movie theater with two other friends, and I looked at a buddy of mine.

I gave him, like, a weird look. And also I started saying, you hear sirens? And my buddy's like, I hear those fucking sirens. That's fucking loud. And my brother's like, we don't hear sirens. I'm like, what do you mean? You don't hear sirens. And we went back and forth for like 10 minutes.

He's like, guys, don't fuck with me. I don't hear no fucking sirens. And we're like, dog, I can't take it no more. And there was a little, it was a pothole filled. with water had just rained. We're walking back from the Fairview movie theater up there. He bent over and he took the puddle and started hitting his face with it.

And they just took off running. We were howling. Shit like that, you know. I remember being in San Francisco in 1985 and taking this blot acid. That was fucking amazing. I was working at Haydashbury and I bought it from one of those

Haydashbury, Grateful Dead motherfuckers. And me and this girl, my daughter's mother, the one that I have the beef with, took two hits a piece. The one who took the mustard. We don't know who took the mustard. We fucking took. We took two hits a piece and went to a party downtown San Francisco.

I'll never forget, we were in this huge room. And her and I were talking with this other, like, you know, intellectual who thought he knew shit. And I kept looking at the poster. The people had a great poster of Bruce Lee. And I kept looking at the post and I go, don't say nothing to it. and I keep looking at Bruce Lee every four minutes don't say nothing to it and I mean this went throughout the part

like people kept looking at the poster going what's he saying don't say nothing to go It's great. Acid is a lot of fun Once you control it If you take it scared Oh forget it you're done You will be scared and that like I look at the youth

That's when people say that word bad trip It drives me cranes Yeah you you A bad trip You didn't have a bad trip. You're a pussy. That's what happened. You're a fucking faggot. And all those trips, I never had a bad trip. It's like cocaine. This is what happens. Let's say I got an eight ball of coke in my pocket, and I get off the 101 South, North. Let's say where I live now, and I drive down to hunger. And then that, by the terminal, I see two cop cars just talking. Just talking.

That goes into your mind. So when you park the car and go upstairs to your house and start doing the car. You're waiting. In your brain, you're waiting. In your mind. You're waiting for those two cops. Your mind creates the paranoia in this scenario. So, like, let's say, I don't even know what creates a bad trip, really, but I've had thousands of young kids and bolder. Some people can fuck with you, too. I've had a bad trip.

I never had. I took more asses than any of these motherfuckers. I took more acid than fucking black mask. And I could tell you, I never had a bad trip. So that's all bullshit. That's just people were weak. I never, ever, ever, ever, ever. had a bad trip.

But you went to freaked out? I'm like, no. I never freaked out. Never freaked out. Never no. And listen, you got that guy's got to remember something. I'm an only child. I love doing shit by myself. Give me your keys. Lee, I got a piss real quick. What the fuck you're going? Can I take a quick piss?

I know. I got down this fucking bottle of water. I'll be to literally be two seconds. Yeah, so you, that was very mild last night. The one that Ari and I bought for Pink Floyd that time, downtown. That was very fucking mild. So wait, what did it? difference? I keep hearing like blotter, window

pane. Do you know the difference or is it really kind of like... Well, the blotter that I knew was a piece of drip on a paper. Okay. Okay. And then window pan was this chip of glass that we used to get. Oh. It came in a capsule. One time I did it in a capsule, believe it or not.

And then there was this other stuff that was tiny that on the street, it was called mesculine. Mesculine's the fucking plant in Arizona, whatever the fuck that is. But on the street it was called mescaline. And we called it microdifference. It was very, it was just a dot. It was a little tiny pill that looked like,

and there was purple microdot, red devil microdot. It came in aluminum foil. That's how I saw it put an aluminum foil and just give it to you. If you drop it. If you'd fucking drop it, you'd lose it. That's how small it was. Jesus. It was fun.

And then we had the drops. Like liquid? Liquid that came in a vizine mile that people put it on a sugar cube. Oh. That's tremendous. That was the shit, Night Daddy. Remember, microdict. And then the micro dots, as I was telling him, we put an aluminum foil.

Yeah. I loved all that shit. I love music. The music I love. The reason why I love music so much, it was because you give me a hit of acid and a couple of joints. Shit, I'll put on four fucking albums back to back to the rock your fucking world. It's a wild. That was the jam.

That's why they called it a trip. You were on a whole jam. It wasn't like it was your high for 30 minutes and it's over. I got booted out of college. And my roommate, he had an older sister. He goes, listen, she's having. a Christmas slash housewarming party. Do you want to go?

Not good people skills at that time in my life. And I was a little agro because I just got booted out of. I was supposed to go on the Marines and I got a last minute scholarship to college. Everyone looked like they had, you know, they pulled a lever and fucking money fell out of the sky. They were all like rich kids, you know, like they had Jansport backpacks and they're going to win at the game of life. I'm like, just fucking I didn't get it. You know what I mean?

So I thought, how am I going to go to this fucking party? I don't know anybody. I'm nervous. I'll take some acid. No, you didn't. So I took this guy goes, hey, you want to take these two hits. So I took two hits. They turned out to be Microdot.

So it was actually two hits per hit. So I was on four hits. And it's a Christmas slash housewarming party. So it's not a lot of furniture. And I'm in the fucking living room. And I feel, you know, when someone's looking at you, like I feel like the guy's mad dogging me. So I just turn around like, what's up?

And it was the Christmas tree. Just fucking with me. And you know those. the real silvery ornaments where you see your face and it's distorted so it was just like a thousand of my faces on this fucking christmas tree so the lady my friend's sister brings me in the room she goes you're fucking losing your shit and you're scaring the guests of my party so just sit down in this fucking room and she goes to me how would you like a magic football and i go who the fuck wouldn't want a magic football give me that shit

So she gives me a little black and gray Raiders football, plastic football. And she goes, now, now, you want to know how to activate it? And I go, yeah. And she goes, you fucking yell, Raider, as loud as you can three times. And then she left. And I was pretty sure this was the only fucking magic football at the party. So I waited until everyone left the room. And I stand up.

I'm on four hits acid. And I scream at the top of my lungs. Rader! Raider! Raider! And this six-foot-tall black fucking horse beast comes charging in the room. It was a 220-pound black Great Dane whose name was Raider. And I had his fucking chew toy! Oh, no.

This fucking lady totally set me up. Did she know you run an asset? Oh, she knew I was gone fucking Mars. and I almost, you know, I did not see a dog at the party, let alone one my size. A great fucking dame when you're on asses. I almost shit my pants. It jumped, put its paw, you know, everything's all fucked up. And then I realized 30 seconds in as it's mawling at my face.

I told that fucking thing up in the air and run out of that. So what do you, what drugs don't you recommend? You like weed. Like, kind of like heroin's a fucked up drugs. They're way for heroin. Like, do you, do you write, like, because there's people on here like me who had never done anything. You take pills? I know you take some pill.

Oxycontin's fucked up. Those opioids are horrible. I wouldn't do. I mean, by, just for the record, I've been cleaned 13 and a half years for people listening and watching. But, you know, just because I can't fucking take drugs like a gentleman or drink doesn't mean. I took a piece of oxy cotton maybe eight years ago and it was horrible. Yeah. It wasn't for me.

Do you ever watch someone try to stop taking pills? like norcos and they go into seizures. It's fucking horrible. I heard it's a horrible seizure. It's what people are doing heroin now. They're used to getting, you know, they get a back, you know, like in a car accident, it's totally fucking legit. The doctors prescribe you these opioids. You take them.

The insurance thing runs out and you're fucking addicted. And then you know that where they sell fucking heroin. You'd never in a million years thought you were going to go cop fucking heroin, but you've copped the habit of opioids. Your body fucking needs it. And the heroin's cheaper than buying the fucking pills. And then people legitimately cop a fucking heroin happen. That's happening all over the country right now. I'm insane.

When I was on the route to kill myself, I did everything. I could care what it was. Same man. Tumonols, the quailudes to. Except for heroin. Valiums. I did heroin. I tried everything I could when I was in that thing.

You know, something stuck. We shoot in though, but we smoke? No, no, I can't see needles. I do it up my nose, the white powder heroin. I just did a couple of bumps and the line and friends. But I knew that if I could get it every night, heroin, it would have been a problem. But I also knew that until I decided to shoot it,

I wasn't getting the full potential, and that was never going to happen. So I'm not doing heroin. Do you know what I'm saying? I knew that snorting it and dicking around with it, it's like dicking and pussying around. If you really want to see the devil, Jimmy Page shoots heroin, okay? You know, they shoot heroin. Nobody snorts heroin and sees the death.

We need to fucking shoot that motherfucker. So I knew I wasn't getting my full potential. Coke, I dug, I ran with a friend of mine the end of that. We spoke about our evolution with drugs. And he goes, I listen to the podcast, and you're right. First six years, five years, four years of cocaine. It's the most fun you're ever going to have in your life, especially if you have a girl that rises to the occasion and sucks your pipe

and lets you come in her asshole when you're on Coke because you get evil. You know, you want to fuck and suck. You get evil and you don't think you're evil. Yeah, yeah, you get evil and you don't think you're evil. But then it becomes something else. It becomes a paranoia. And that's what all drugs. I mean, that's what every single one of them, they all become something different.

Because like he said, Valium is great when I first give it to you to fall asleep. Take Valium every night to fall asleep and then take those Valiums away from your boy. Awful. You're going to go, no, I can't fall asleep. Now you have to learn how to fall asleep on your own. Remember the VIP bathrooms where you'd be in a club and they'd let like six people in at one time and there'd be a bouncer there and everyone would be going in, tooting up, doing some lines. was in one of these bathrooms.

There was a bunch of people in there. I'll never forget this. You won't talk about evil. And you can tell where people are on the slide. You could tell people that are genuinely good and are right. The escape hatch is about to open and they're about to plummet into hell and they have no fucking idea. And they're surrounded by sharks and they have no clue. This woman was sitting on the 22 maybe sitting on the sink, top down, a guy blowing rails off of both of those.

her tits and she looks over at everyone that's in the bathroom and goes, I've only been in Chicago for two weeks and everybody is so nice. It's just like, what the fuck? Like for me, my stomach turned because I'm like, that's when you want to go, you want to grab her and go, it's all evil. It's all evil. Everything around you is evil right now. Wherever the fuck you move from, get back there.

Everybody is so nice. Get back there as soon as you can. Apologize to your parents. get back in school, do whatever the fuck you need to do. You're literally submerged in evil. There was this one guy that had the M&M cut, and he had like the little leather bike, you know, like the kind of the members-only bikers jagged

with two fucking pistols under each arm, like a detective's thing. And he was just on, you know, he was on the street. He was a dealer. And she just, like, clueless. I'm like, you're in a room with a killer, a drug dealer, a bookie, and me and my pal who were offenses at the time. everybody is so nice

I'm like oh fuck that was one of my bottoms when I looked around and I'm like I don't want to be part of any of this I love when people meet somebody and they go how was it

oh my God he was so nice you move for 20 minutes you met him for 20 fucking minutes what the fuck do you know he was so cool and what time do you know and what face you think he's going to show you if he's a savage animal

is he going to show you the savage animal and scare you the fuck away oh no some people just see There's advanced game out there that you're totally unaware of and you're just going to get lured. Remember that cartoon where the smoke goes like this? Remembering lures the fucking character through the rooms? It just picks them up by the nose and they're floating.

Straight fucking evil, man. And if you don't know what it looks like, next thing you know, you're right now. You're right. And you don't know. You don't know when you're at that point. When you're at that point, I didn't know I was at that point of drugs in 1985 where I was going to, it was going to follow me the rest of my fucking life, like a bad case of herpes. I had no idea.

I was just doing something for myself to get high and have a great time and have a few drinks. It always starts out as a good idea. It always starts out. Everything starts out. I mean, I know the first person who said, put it in my ass, that started out as a good idea. Look at the revolution they started now. Guys want to fuck other guys.

Everybody wants to get married. Popes are talking about it. It's all about a dick in the ass at the end of the week. Right or wrong. This is fucking craziness. And the final episode of the church. Oh, my God. The truth.

One day two guys were hanging out and going to go, what happened if I put it in your ass? Let's give it a shot. You know what? The Pope was obviously just here for like six days. Said some things, right? And it's so funny that like, we're the fucking women.

Like, there's no, you could say whatever the fuck you want. Women are still nuns. They're like, it's your organization, 8% were fucking kids. That's what you were doing. 8% give a take. And that's the known numbers.

So if any company said, well, look, our number, numbers are great, we do some good work. If you can overlook the 8% of our employees that fuck kids, it's totally insane to me. And then to say all the shit and women are still subjugated. I don't fucking get it. I don't get it. People see what they want.

You can't say shit until women are in your fucking, it's like, what fucking year is this? Three years ago I came to you and said, I heard a secret that Jared was a child molester. Both years would say, Joey, you better get your life together. We believe what we want to believe. No, if you were to said that, you know exactly what would have fucking happened. We would be over at his fucking house and we would have handled it. No. Nobody would have believed that Jared was a child molester three years ago.

You didn't know. Any inkling of proof or whatever, then you're done. You know what's so funny about the difference between. Yeah, but nobody knew three years ago. That's not I'm saying. That's my point. Nobody knew three years ago that Jared was a child molester. If you looked at him, you just thought he was a fucking goofy fucking dude who waited subway every day and lost 100 pound.

That's it. There's a guy. Yeah. There's a guy that lives, I live in a cul-de-sac, right? This is the difference between L.A. and being from Chicago, back east and New York, Jersey. This guy was high, and I relate to that, right? But he's football-tack-and-the-futtecling the fence at the end of the cul-de-sac, and he's making a lot of it.

I'm like, what the f-it sounded like someone kept slamming the gate shut, you know? And I look, no-shoes full-on fucking Lawrence Taylor in this fucking fence, right? So I go out, and he's got a hatchet in his hand. So I'm going, all right, now shit's going a little sideways. clearly he's on drugs he's got no fucking shoes he's got to hatch it in his hand so my neighbor comes out reserve police officer who's now going on to a to a higher rank in uh city official ship so we calm this guy down the cops come they go do you want to suppress charges and we're thinking this guy lives across the street i've been fucked up and acting like a lunatic so i'm going to

give this guy a pass we say thank you officers we'll deal with this so the guy goes back now this guy lives in a shed behind the house The lady lets him live there that lives in the house. A guest house. No, it's a legit fucking tool shed that he's turned into. It's a whole long story. Hey, I've been down and out. One time in my life, I wanted to live in a fucking storage facility because it was only $150 a month.

I lived in a storage facility. I'm not fucking judging this guy, right? But what he did was wrong, and he smarted off. So I said to my neighbor, 3.30 or 4 o'clock, what do you think? And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, we'll meet out here at 3.30, 4 o'clock. We'll rock, paper, scissors for who holds his legs. and the other guy just fucking shallacks him for five minutes and we're done.

And he goes, what are he talking about? I go, well, we got to fucking tune him up. Otherwise, he's going to fucking do it again. He goes, what's tune him up mean? And I go, the fucking guys walking around a cul-de-sac with kids with a fucking hatchet. We got to roll him. And then call it a day, right? And he goes, this is, he goes, I'm at a reserve, LA.

What are you talking about? And then it clicked. Like, you just can't. If that was me and I was the guy and I was the dick. and two guys came in and held me down and beat the fuck out of me. When I came out of my drug stupor and I looked in the mirror and I saw all of the bruised faces, I would go, that's right, I earned this. I earned this fucking beating. I fucked up.

I'm not going to do it again, right? Or am I wrong? You're wrong because in studios say they locked you up for 10 years. That's what I'm saying. You ain't got a fucking hatchet. You might as well call the cops. Your father, you're going to go beat a guy up. I ain't beat nobody to fuck up.

The guy's going to fuck. Nobody's going to rock. This is a fucking town of busies. That's what I. That was my whole point. That was my whole point. And the guy with the hatchet, you should let the cops take them. You should let the cops fucking take them.

The guy's got a hatchet. I thought there was going to be a whole bunch of other fun. No, there's nobody here. But there's fucking nobody here. These people busy at Starbucks talking about their that's what I was the whole fucking point. Shit. That was the point.

Because some guy on the bottom with a fucking hatchet, nobody going to fucking help you do nothing in this fucking town. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. These people are brain dead. They walk around like, you know, that's why the town is the way it is. Nobody says, hey, move your fucking car while fucking light on fire.

Nobody says that to you. Nobody has that. There's no consequences. There's no consequence in this town. And you have a thing called the police. And when they come, they look at you and they look at them. And what happened? Well, he said he was going to throw me, you know, this guy in this town, this is the only town that the guy you said you're going to tune up.

He might go in the house and call the cops and said, my neighbor. Yes, it threatened me. He just told me that we should tune some fucking guy up. this is the weirdest Listen, we're living In weird times You know, we're living in a time That if you get into a misunderstanding

A cop comes, they turn you around And they tag you and they fucking handcuff you Where we come from there was a time when cops came And they said, what happened? Mick had a couple beers, Joey did a couple lines There was a misunderstanding, they slapped each other Everything's all right and they give you a ride home Yeah, now you're getting charges pressed

And you're losing your job And in these fucking places that are fucking whiter than white. They will throw away the fucking key on you. They will, they don't understand that. They don't understand that world. You know, it's funny. The guy took the high road because it's like you said, you know, in my

brain I'm still 18, but in, you know, he made the more mature choice. No, it's not that he made a mature choice. He doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about. No, well, yeah, once I realize that he... They don't know it from the jump. They don't know it from the jump, and they'll never understand. I got an email today that said that they were not

nice that when we stuck up for you with that thing because that night it went too fast. Right. Oh yeah, that's a while. You know. What happened? And some guy came on here that fucking dumb manager everybody fired and he said that Lee would never be a manager because, you know, just talking stupid shit. But it's funny

that we live in a society now that before somebody jumps. It's like one of the things in this town that showed me the true colors of this town was the Joe Rogan situation. You know, when that happened with Carla, every comic, talks about Carlos Mnesea.

Well, Carlson and see it. Now here's a guy that does something for you, and nobody really has his back. Nobody backed him. Nobody had his back. That's it. That's it. If they throw him out of the comedy store,

we're all going to march on Friday night. Mitzie called all of them and said, if you fucking do anything, I'll ban you. Nobody did nothing. I never got that place. I'll be totally honest with you. It always seems fucking culty to me. It never fucking...

It's the best club in town. It's a best club in town by far. And it always has been. That guy's working for free. That's not what it's about. That's not what it's about. Everywhere you work for free. The improv, they give you $7.

No, but I mean the employees. But not I work for you. The guy gave me $7. What the fuck? They all work for free. Lafactor is the only one who gives you a buck in a quarter if you go to Long Beach and they give you $25 up here. You all work for free.

The employees get $25. It's the talent and who you have to follow in there. When you go to fucking flappers, you, you feel. follow some kid who I'm seeing on MTV. Who? What? What? MTV? What? MTV? What? What the fuck are you talking about? Dog, I've been at that fucking store for a year. My game went from six to nine. My game went from six to nine. It's from... Back now over the last year? You said?

Yeah, I went back August 4th to last year and I can feel it because you go to the laugh after you're following that. You know, at the ha-ha, you get a laugh just by going on stage. You go to the fucking comedy store. You got to follow Byrne, Neil Brennan, episode. Sebastian Manascar, and there you are. So that makes you work harder. That's the way it's always been with me. It's always been like that. The last factory has always been Dane Cookie and Collagy.

The improv, you see what's over there. The comedy store, you go to 1045, you better have your screws on tight. You better have your screws on it. You're following Sebastian Manascarco. You know, there's Chicago and then there's Sebastian Manuscalco. There's two different leagues. These Tonight Show guys, get, get, get it. That's to Sebastian.

We did Montreal together. Two fucking worlds apart. So, you know, you got to follow fucking Bill Burr. I had to go up there, follow fucking Bill Burr. You don't follow Bill Burr fucking flappers. You don't follow fucking Bill Burr at fucking the Improv on a Wednesday night, burlese night and some chick. No.

For less night. It's fucking comedy. What fucking Belasque, you know? And, I mean, that's the comedy store now. I had to go up there couple nights and follow Sarah Silverman. It's like, what the fuck is going on? So I used to go down to the laugh at you and Long Beach to work out, and it's like a waste of my time.

I go up to the bomb. There's no motivation. I'm following an English guy on the base that I've never fucking even seen before, you know. It's two different fucking worlds, and it always has been. It's a piece of shit club. It's dark.

It's always running away, but, you know, I don't want to do club, but a place that people can't fart and people can't do blow or shit like that, you know. There's clubs you go to that. You know when you walk in,

you don't fucking belong. I don't belong at the Laugh Act. I do it for Domarera on Tuesday nights. I don't belong at the Laugh Factory on Friday nights. When I go in there, I feel like a fucking bump on a lot. The improv I'll do for you or Craig Fitzsimmons are those guys. Yeah, aside that I won't.

I don't want to go there during the week. I want to go somewhere where my heart's beating before I go on stage. Like an open mic. Holy shit. I got to follow this fucking animal. I got to follow this fucking moron. And then now you start thinking. Then I get anxiety.

And I'm like, okay. Now we've got this motherfucker. That's what I want to follow. That's just me. I've never I've never I like those rooms I like those Mexican rooms you go to flappers it's like you know you're like why am I here I go on the flappers I go every night I look at the schedule of flappers and I go let me go down on a Tuesday night and say alone and you're like yeah I rather

watch TV you know it's uh it's that's a weird thing because like I'm editing the special now and for a while we were looking at editors and we couldn't find one but it's like for I didn't I didn't know if I wanted to do it because it's it's It's a lot of pressure, but I think that's good. I think it's probably pretty good. And you found that by going back to the store to put yourself in. Like, you could fail. And I was never going to go back.

I was never going to go back to that place. But I knew I was bored to pieces. Right. I was bored to pieces. What made you go back? The movie with Peter Sellis. The only place, God. Oh, look, you said it a bunch of times.

Yeah, I said it a bunch of Marilyn Martinez. She used to tell me about that movie, and it was on. It was August 4th It was a week before So you've been back a whole year now A year and change A year and change And I could feel it

I could feel it Because I could see You see what you have to do Being there Being there Being there I was watching being there I'm like what is it

There's like a sign from Maryland Go back I was like I'm gonna go back And against all my beliefs I went back And it was the best thing I did What was you like that first time you went up Haven't been gone for a minute

Scary Yeah scary O'R? Yeah, scary. I went back to shoot Marin. I walked in and I looked around. I go, wow, I can't believe. I put all this time into this.

And now I don't come here. It's like going to karate for 10 years. And one day, you don't quit. You already put that night. You can't restart again. You'll never do it. You'll never do that shit again. And I went down and I just walked around.

I said, I can't believe. At the time, I was going to the, ah, I was dicking around with these improvs. I was dicking around with flappers. And it's just getting, yeah, you're having good. It's like going home. You're not learning. I'm killing, but I'm going home, going. I just bullied that room.

You're killing, but you're not growing. Yeah, I just bullied that room. That's all I did. I bullied them. There was a bunch of open micers, and I went up. They ran into a comedian. That's it. I didn't kill them because I was better than those kids.

I kill them because those kids aren't fully developed yet, and they're up there saying, whatever, and these are their friends or whatever the fuck they are. And I just went back, and that was scary. You know, it's a lot of young kids. I'm an old pervert down there. I feel like a whole pervert when I walk around. But I know when I go down there, it's not to make my heartbeat. You know, that's what I'm supposed to be against the corner.

I don't like being. I like, you know, I believe. It's the calm times that scare the fuck out of me, man. If things are good, it means I'm not fighting hard enough. And I can be grateful for what I have and I can enjoy any success. But I want to, I got a fight. I got to get in and I got to hustle. That's just how I got to do it.

I do better when I'm in the corner. You know, I do a lot better comedy. Comitically, I do a lot better in every situation when my back's against the corner. I've been going to do just a now for two years. I'm terrible at it. And I was talking to John Bud today. I could come here and just get on top of you. That's not what I want to do.

I don't want to fight on my back. That's the toughest thing, to fight on your back to get out of that situation. You're on the street. Somebody gets on top of you. You're out. Anybody can just get on top of you. I could stay on top of you for an hour. I won't wait until you stop fucking breathing.

What if somebody's on top of me? That's the, but that's the way I've always been. I always look for the harder road so it gets easier, you know. When you do those Mexican rooms with Jeff Garcia and Jeff Valde, all those fucking lunatics, Joe Perez and Felipe and those guys, that's a different world. You know, when I first came to town, my spots at the store were 1215, 1230. When are we going to sit at home? No.

You go down there and pick up a quick sister. I got to pick up a grandma blow, so I would go do Jeff Garcia's room and Fly's room. And those rooms are harder than shit, those Mexican rooms. You know, they're fucking hard. But that's where you learn your craft. You're not going to learn your craft, you know, going to the flappers every night or the ha-ha and following mediocrity. Not that I wasn't a mediocrity at one time, but you have to lift your league.

You've got to go to the league. Yeah, train with champions. Yeah, okay. If I bring you over here and I show you what's the big 45-pound plates, right? Yeah. 45 pound plates is a bar is 135. And I show it and I go, you're going to deadlift that. You go, Joey, it's never going to happen.

I'll tell you what, we're going to deadlift for three weeks, 50 pounds, and then we're going to come in here, I'm going to tell you, Mick, get behind that bar and try to deadlift it. And you're going to get three quarters of them and put it down. You could do it. It's possible. So the only way you're going to know is by deadlifting that bar. Forget about those 225s. They're always going to be fucking there.

Our goal is to deadlift that one. Today we're only going to do a half, but next week we're going to do one. And pretty soon we're going to give those up. And you're going to do your workout with these. Even if you've got to come and do 10 once and put it back down. Next week you'll do 10-2. That's how you get better at things. It's getting out of your comfort zone.

You know, a lot of people like going into a place and killing and leaving there and going, look at me. I fucking hate that shit. I want to walk out of there bombing. So I go home and I got something to work on. Yeah. I fucked up last night. I like feeling weird. I don't like feeling like it does you know good with standing.

Because you lower you get lazy. get lazy. I don't know if it's in the East Coast thing, maybe it's a guy thing. I always respond better to that sort of if someone's teaching me something or a coach, I like, like, Yogi Steve or any, I don't respond

well to like positive reinforcement. I like it. It feels nice, but it's ever, like, if I can find, like, that's why we work to, you'll yell at me every once in a while or we'll have conversations like that, and it's not, it's not like I'm going to go home and be like, oh,

Joe, was so nice to me at work today. But anything like that? Like, sometimes you are. But, like, I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But if someone, what about you guys? When someone yells at you or when someone says you're fucking up, like, doesn't say you are? I agree if it's earnest.

If it's a guy fucking with you, I want to slap them. But if it's a real guy, if it's a real fucking man that's coming from a real place and doesn't co-sign bullshit, like you're talking about Lee, that's like, hey, you're fucking up. If you want to do this, if you want to be a successful comic, this is what you do. Especially if that person's coming from a place that's real, genuine, and they have the experience. So they're not spit in theory, but they go, this is what I did. And they don't even have to be, like, being mean to you, but, like, as a coach, just being a little bit tougher. Disciplined.

Yeah. I don't know. I've always responded better to that, as for me. I'm trying to write a book, and I was thinking about jobs that I had that I really took something out of. And if I have to tell you the number one job I took something out of when I was. was eight in the summers from eight to ten seven to ten i would have to work with my stepdad in the city and he had a flower business he bought into a flower business my stepdad so mondays wednesdays and fridays i had to go into the city buy roses at four and then take them back and de-stem them

de-stemmed the roses and do this other thing with flowers and whatever sometimes i go my stepdad but sometimes i go with this guy named evan ivan and evan wasn't a tyrant he wasn't a tyrant you know if there's bosses there's tyrant yeah this guy just had a fucking schedule and you know what Lee I'll tell you what life is about

from 8 to 5 we work here from 5 to 8 in the morning I don't give a fuck what you do with your life like today's world he would break your fucking phone I know the type of guy he was he was a great I learned more for vivant of being a man at a job

then you know I'm saying then these guys like he taught me how to be a good worker, period. Like, how to be a good worker. Like, this is how we do it. Forget that. I don't give a fuck about that. It's 8 to 5. You belong to me. We're working now. It's not that I have attitude. It's not that I don't like you. We're working. This is called working.

Here we go. It's over. Whatever the fuck you were thinking about, Scooby-Doo or Saturday Night Live or Black Mask, whatever movie, it's over. We don't give a fuck. That's got nothing to do with our world. And that's what people don't realize. Imagine the whole millennium. like that that are like, sir, you just hurt my feeling.

Yes. No, no, no, no. This guy, you know, I know the one of the, and I worked to this guy, Richie worded him. That's the first thing he did when you went to fill an application. He took it to a room and he gave you a broom. He goes, all right, sweep the room. I'll come back on an hour. And he'd look at the room. And he, you know, if you move stuff around, if you didn't move

that box and sweep around it, you weren't getting a fucking job. Yeah, because you're a shortcut. You're shortcut. You know, these are people that I learned the value of work from. The value that from eight to five. Like today, We all rob our employers because half of us are on computers listening to a podcast or playing around. You're robbing your employer, you know, part of it. Look at my phone.

You see this? This is a lot of people who listen to my... I traded in my smartphone for this right here, old school flip phone because I put, what's the number one distraction in my life right now? I just made a list. First thing on the list. Brought it right to the Verizon store. Is it the iPhone or is it social media? All of it.

But my ex, well, no, because my, I check social media three times a day before I go to work during my lunch break and then when I get home. So I'm tuned in to the people and I got off Facebook and Instagram. So I'm just on Twitter right now and I have my own website. But this three hours in my day back, first day one. Doing what? What were you doing? Just checking, you know, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, texting. Once I leave the house, I got rid of texting.

thing. Three hours, bang, right back. Best thing I did. For me to check a text now, like, that's it. You did evolve, because for a while, you and I wouldn't text. We just had to call. No, no, no, no. Let me tell you what, I won't text no more.

So if you're turned it off tonight after you. Oh, really? It's over again. I don't want to text with nobody. You turn it off texting? It's gone. It's, you know why? It is great because you call people you talk about.

Gone! Gone! I don't want to text with nobody. I don't even like people texting. It bothers the fuck out of me. When I see. Listen, this is. it. You want to suck my dick? Yes. Are you hungry? I could live with that. Joey, I know you're doing

a podcast. This fucking Mo-moe sits here for two hours going back and forth and when it's like, listen, I'll be over, spread the position. That's it. That's all you got to say. I'll see him. The other night, my brother in the car had to pull him over and go, listen, call her and talk to him. He's like, why? Call her and get it over. I can't drive right this, though. You're a child. You lose the person. You're 52. You're a child. You're 50. You're acting like a fucking child. When I, the other day, some kid hit me. Delaney, some kids from North Bergen. Oh, I hit you on. Listen, once the thing goes

in my pocket, Twitter's done. Yeah. I don't, I don't wait. I have glasses. So if I don't have glass, I'm not going to look at Twitter. Unless you call me. That's it. I don't have Facebook on here on my phone either. Nothing. I don't, Instagram, I'm not taking pictures. I don't want to take a fucking picture. I take enough

pictures on the weekends. I don't need to show you what I'm eating. I don't need to show you, me lifting weights. I don't need to show you that shit. But you're like less than 1% of people who have smartphones yeah because like i have how many apps i have on here three one my fitness pal dot com i don't need what do i need what do i need tell me what i need you don't need any of this now but it's so convenient no but let me tell you once once lee i'm i'm right where my feet are i don't need to go anywhere other than being in this

room right now right i'm experiencing this instead of half experiencing this and then on my phone and some other shit and i'm texting and i'm on no right here right now. All my relationships stronger. I look everyone in the eye. Talk, talk, talk. Here. Listen. Wherever I'm at, wherever my feet are, that's where I'm at and that's where I'm experiencing. I need to check the fuck out. I can't wait until ISIS starts

bombing us. And I can't wait until they show restaurants before they got bombed. The other day, about a month ago, I went to lunch with something. Somebody wanted to pitch me some idea. And I go, let's go to lunch. And he goes, meet me at whatever. So I went over to a nice restaurant in Burbank there for lunch. You know what somebody's talking to you know what the fuck they're talking about? They're talking script talk, the production, and I started drifting. I swear to my mother's grave.

I don't need to lie to anybody. Let's pretend. I'm just throwing out a number out there, but I counted. Let's pretend there was 28 people at the restaurant. Let's pretend there was 14 tables out of 30 with two people on them. Do you know that 25 of them were on their fucking phones? I mean, sitting across from each other. like this, staring.

And at one point, I was stop what you're saying. Look at everybody in this restaurant. It's ridiculous. It's embarrassing. It embarrasses me. If everyone was just snapping lines, full-on addicts, because that's what it is. It's an addiction.

You can't be across from somebody and consistently ignore them unless you're a fucking addict. I can't see that. I cannot. And look at the texting, the fucking pictures all day, the fucking selfie sticks. It drives me fucking up a wall. Are we on top of shit? Or do we, have we turned in old crotchety fucks?

No, I think people, I just see life for what it is. I'm a street guy. I'm paying attention. That's what I'm saying. I'm paying attention. I don't know about you. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't know what the fuck you're doing.

I don't know what the fuck you're doing. Before I leave the house, Mick, Joe Diaz, how are you? What are you doing today? Nothing. Come to Culver City. I want you to fucking audition. for this. Okay. What's the address? 666, hell street. Okay.

I go on the fucking computer and I type it out. I tell my wife, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I tell her, type out this fucking address for me. She does it for me. I love it to death. I have the piece of paper in my hand. Before I leave, I know the three first roads. You know, 101, south or the 10, east,

exit, whatever. That's it. You need to know that in your head. But you're in a car, and now you're in your fucking car. And you're going to type the address in your fucking car. And look at your stupid phone while you're on the 405. I hope. I hope a truck slips and runs over you.

You miserable, dumb fuck. As you're dying and going to hell where you belong, you're going to go, I shouldn't have looked at that fucking phone. Who gives a fuck what Joey Diaz has to say it two in the fucking afternoon? Who gives a fuck what anybody's got to say it two in the fucking afternoon? And it's getting worse. They're adding it to cars now, like they have Facebook apps and cars. And I think if you sat people down,

because I just got this new phone, I just got the new 6S plus. I love it. It's great. But I think if you sat people down and were like, do you need any of this? No, you don't need it. It's just, it's come out. It's, it's, it's the biggest, it's replaced boredom.

And it's, it's great to have, but we don't need it. You don't need it. It's just no one's, but now people don't want to give it up. Like, why would you want to give it? Day two for 30 minutes when I first got up, there was a panic like I was missing out on something. For 30 minutes of, and I know what withdrawals like, because I, fucking went through withdrawals when I quit drinking and doing drugs. Same fucking thing.

30 minutes, like a kick. We forgot what life is. We're not paying attention to life no more. We're not paying attention to life no more. We do everything this fucking thing says, well, I'm hungry. Let me see what they say about that restaurant. Who gives a fuck what I mean?

He's got to say, you don't even know these fucking people. Half of the fucking people, you think half the fucking people that you bump into? Hold on one second. You check in your Twitter? The people ate this last week. Muscles with fucking red sauce on. These are the only pictures you take.

Okay? Where'd you get that shrimp? Did I tweet that out? No, I showed it to you. Just so you know what you were missing. I won't get down with the muscles. That's what that shrimp looks good. You didn't even show me the shrimp.

Look at the fucking galamon. Oh. Look at that. That's the best galamon. It's that of Patsis. People always say, you're a Patsy. Is that fucking rice pudding? That's Natia.

That's Cuban Natia. That's like a fucking egg custard over a Entemans pound cake. Are you fucking kidding me or what? So, like, what do you guys say, especially for comedians? You, Joey, wouldn't be as popular as you are now if smartphones didn't exist? Like, yeah, I don't think so. No, the internet.

But I don't think so. Big difference. I think smartphones took it to the next level. I'm an internet guy. I don't know. Maybe there's a smartphone that's helped me. But I do a thing that's downloaded on iTunes. I do videos for YouTube.

I don't do it for the smartphone. I do it for the internet that I'm hoping that you see it at night when you're fucking smoking pot or something like that But that's that most people don't consume the internet the way you do There's a lot of people who probably don't have that's why that new iPad's coming out because people don't even want computers anymore All people want of the phones that's why this phone is as big as a fucking drink tray Is because people I gave the iPhone 6 plus was what uh Is it plus? Yeah six plus that's what I just gave up it didn't and it's great but I'm like it's I got nothing I'm not

I'm not putting the iPhone down. I'm not putting your phone down, man. Anybody can do their own fucking jam. I'm just saying what works for me. I got an old school. Your point is that... Planner that I write my appointments in.

Right, right. Everything is I am. And I experience the fucking... Where my feet are, that's where my mind is at. No, I applaud what you did. And if the other people get down, do your thing. Do your fucking gym.

Nothing wrong with having an iPhone. My point is, you got to live your life. Put that phone in your fucking pocket. Yeah. And go for a walk and look. Keep your eyes open. Talk to who you're going to get.

hit by a fucking car because you're looking at your stupid fucking phone. You're going to get hit by, you're going to get jumped because you have earphones on. Listen to Joe Deere. There's a good chance you're checking your phone, Lee, and that's how you wound up with that shirt on.

Just, maybe. I actually buy it with my phone. That's it. I get complaints every week from people. I got two emails. Why don't I have fucking Instagram? Why don't I put more videos on? Because the only way I could come up with stories is to live a life. Yeah.

The only way it's a comedy comes from my life. It's living your life. Otherwise you're regurgitating someone else's bullshit. I can't fucking deal with it no more. I do not understand.

And I love, I love getting on the computer. Nobody loves going more to WebMD than I do or Julia Serving videos. I love all that shit. But I do with the privacy of my own home when I'm home.

My point is that when you're out, you cannot cross the street while you're reading your stupid text. You know what, man? again, if I'm going to be on there for an hour writing a short essay to you, I'm just going to pick up the fucking phone. It's a question.

I understand. Sometimes you can't call some, hey man, are you going to be home for dinner? Yeah, that's it. But if you think I'm going to sit here and give you directions on that fucking thing, should I stop and get meatball heroes or should I stop and get co-cuts?

Fuck you, pick up the fucking phone. That's all I'm saying. I don't have time for all that. I don't see. It's not that we're old people is that we appreciate. We don't have that much time. left. So the time we have, we're not going to waste half the day taking pictures for Instagram or a fucking selfie stick or whatever the fuck. You know, I go home, I check my Facebook.

I'm not going to lie to you. I go home at 1 o'clock. I chase my Facebook. There's messages on there. Somebody wants to know somewhere we're performing. I go on my Twitter when I fucking go home. Who doesn't? I go on my Gmail account. That's what I'm saying. I hit it three three days. Home! Home! Home! Big fucking difference. Home! I get an email on my business email. I pop it right away. The Gmail, no, I don't give a fuck. I wait until I get to when I get home. But my business email, somebody calls me with a date or something,

I look at the calendar. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have my calendar on my phone. I got my calendar in my head. All that shit right down. Yeah, if I'm driving and I think of something that's, you know, witty, which I never do, you know, I don't have a mind like that.

I'm not a writer. I go to this thing here, productivity, and revenge is never about the greater good. It's about a visceral need. that needs to be satisfied with a strong, lose focus. Come at them from a different angle, not about the process, but the result. Step away from the need to feel it.

That's what's in my fucking notes. That and pain to get to the next level. A little reminders in my life. There you go. That's what's in my notes. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about. You got to do this. I don't know.

It's hard. Because it's hard to, it's like when I, when I was heavier, I used to think, oh, maybe I have a food addiction. And yeah, maybe, maybe this is this kind of an addiction. But it just sounds so wimp. Like it sounds like it sounds, you don't want to call it an addiction. But then. They just did a study, Lee.

A woman that I work with told me, showed me. When you think you lose your smartphone, the same chemicals and neurological reaction in your brain is equal to a near-death experience. That's what you experience when you think you've lost your phone. How fucked up is that? For me, it's the numbers. That's all it is because it's not like the old days. I know mixed numbers 818-5-55-55-55-55-55 in the back of my head. That's the only panic I have.

If I'm on the road and I lose a number, I have my wife's number in my head now, I have the house number. Yeah. I printed out all my contacts. I got them and I wrote the important ones in a little black book like I used to carry around. I'm going old school. It's fucking great. It's great. Did you buy that new or is that used?

They still make it, yeah. That's an old one of the head and he's definitely brought it back to life. This is a... They still make a couple of months. This costs a penny at Verizon and an extra $10 to add to my plan. Because I would be interested to see how long it lasts. Because they make these now. The whole reason they're talking about an Apple making like a TV,

the reason I don't want to get that is because Apple makes shit that breaks in two years. I talk on this for about three or four days, and then I have to charge it. That's how long the charge lasts on this. And I'm sure I could kick this down the street and nothing would happen. But then it's like you don't know, because if you're using it, like you guys do in the morning and at lunch and at night, when you have it in your pocket, of course you're going to check it throughout the day. Well, the transition that I made was I bought this and I forwarded my smartphone calls to this. Oh. And that was like a weaning off of it a little bit.

And then I said, you know what? I'm going to give my iPhone 6 to my son. And then this is going to be my permanent phone. Because I got a little taste of what life was like forwarding the calls to this and just having this with me. And I was like, wow. I'm checked out of like 25% of my fucking day. And they're trying to do like the whole that Apple Pay kind of freaks me out. You know on your phone right now that microphone's on.

You know that, right? Oh, yeah. And it's anonymously recording everything that's happening right now to better provide you with services. Now, I'm not a conspiracy fucking nut, but literally your whole, your privacy is being egregiously violated. And not even like there's those violations, but then the things like I don't understand about checking it on Facebook. It's tracking you and recording you right now. Yeah. Have you ever had that happen?

When I used to work in TV, I would go to this morning office every like for a few months every day. and I'd be home on the weekends and it would pop up on my phone it would take 35 minutes to get to work right now and they're like, it just knows every day at 8.30 I'd go to work. Yep. And you have to turn that off in the back. Yep. Like if you, like, at your phone might know you come here, Joe. Sure. I would, I would bet you can go and see the trips you take.

Sometimes you can go and you can go and see on your phone where you took the pictures you took. Oh yeah, the geotag. Yeah. It's a, and it's great. and it helps and it's it's done probably more good than harm but it's definitely that's why i love podcasting like no that's why i think other people love podcasting no one else has conversations like these anymore even if you're with people who you like eventually you're going to check your phone a couple times you get to text that like i don't check my phone at all for these couple hours is this streaming right now it is what's the i have what's the uh the site that it's streaming on

you stream you stream yeah just search you stream to tell my son to go on you stream. I would say, Churchill, what's happening now? Right. I'm more scared. I have a phone

for my daughter. I have a phone for emergencies at the house. When I go to Jitsu and shit like that now. Like today I leave my phone on because the baby said has mercy for an hour.

But if Terry's got mercy, I shut my phone off. I leave it in the fucking car. If I go to a gym or something, if she's at school and my wife is at the house and she's got the phone, I'll go to the YMC and turn my phone off.

That's how anti-phone I am. you know, that's how anti-phone I am. I mean, the days of auditions coming in late, that doesn't happen anymore. So part of my day now, I know where I stand. This time I go away and I leave the phone in the fucking car, unless it's really hot, but I won't leave it in there.

I didn't even know that happened. Yeah, unless it truly did too, and it overheated, it wouldn't turn on. Yeah, it won't turn on. You got to go back, put it in an air conditioner. So unless it's, no, these are the things I do, just time is fucking, So if you look at how much time you wasting the day, if you look at how much time you're wasting the day, seriously.

It's crazy. As a comedian, you will fucking shoot yourself. You will shoot yourself. You will fucking shoot yourself. Well, you got to. You can't be undisciplined. You got to. No, and that's the discipline.

And that's why I would be able to tell you. That's the discipline. It doesn't matter what you want to do or what you don't want to do. If you go by your feelings, that is the greatest. Most self-destructive doing drugs, not doing drugs, working out now. If you run your life based on your feelings, you are fucked. It is a, you are turning over the sands of time and waiting for your fucking life to fall apart. Because your feelings aren't a real, it's not a real fucking thing.

Action, that's real. Go to the gym. You want to fucking go to the gym and you're excited to run on the treadmill or you hate the treadmill more than anybody. You're going to burn the same calories. but if you're going based on your feelings, you're going to not want to go a lot more than you're going to want to go. So you're going to fucking miss out on the work that you're supposed to do, which means you're going to miss out on the fucking results. You go whether you want to go like you're talking about. You set out from this time to this time, I'm going to write, and you're going to hate every fucking second of it.

For the first 30 minutes, you're going to want to kill yourself until minute 40 rolls around and you get a little chunk of something you like. And then you bring that to the stage and you go, oh, that's why I trudged through that fucking bag of shit. earlier today was for this moment now you gotta put in the fucking work fuck your feelings you just gotta handle your business whether you want to or not end the story and the story I don't care how you feel we all feel

shitty on a Monday morning there's a fuck about what you feel or what you feel or what your girlfriend feels or your daughter your wife get to work you gotta do what the fuck you gotta do I don't give a fuck how people feel I never did you know these people that try to make comics feel guilty can't you come to my party on Saturday night no I'm doing common I don't know what the

Fuck you're working. I'm working. I don't know. My wedding. That's the discipline. You know, you look at the things that people who have the things you want do. How do they live? Are they at a bar on a VIP section talking shit with losers in a fucking bar on a Friday

and Saturday? No. They're on stage. They're watching a comic. They're watching a play. They're learning something. Business happens between nine and six. That's it.

And then when you have to perform and that you show, your job is to perform. I like these people that say, well, I'm going to go out to network. Listen, people are in the network. If they ain't doing shit, they ain't networking. It's like that Lincoln. I'd like to fucking blow that network up. A network of professionals. It's the same douchebags that on Facebook.

You know where everybody's at? You want to network. You know where the people are at that you want to meet at 10 p.m. at night? They're fucking resting from a hard day's work. If they were here, they wouldn't be it. No, what my friend told me once? If there were anybody, they wouldn't be here anyway. You know, we as comedians think we're going to go to the comedy store,

the improv, or laugh, fact, your flappers, and see the press. President Universal. He's at home counting $20 bills. You did Radford. Yeah, a couple months back. Great show. Oh, I just bumped into a guy two days ago. Oh, yeah? But before I left, I bumped into a guy at Rouse. Come here for a second. Well, you were at Redford that night. Is that you? Oh, that's great.

But I had a guy. I won't say his fucking name. I said, listen, can you do the show? It's a Radford. It's a great show. Saturday night. Great fucking audience. You're going to have a blast. It'll be sold out. He goes, I got a spot. I might, here he goes, I might have a spot at the store. I go, well, I'm giving you a legit spot, a sold-out show. It's going to be amazing. And longer sets, too. It'll probably be three times as long as the set that you get at the story.

He goes, yeah, but there might be industry there. That's what this guy tells me. I didn't have the fucking heart to tell them what I do for a living. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, there might be industry there, huh? Someone give you a break? I'm like, all right. I fucking, I just want to be like, just be a kind, good soul.

Just fucking come do. It's a great, you're searching for something that isn't calm. comedy. You're searching for this validation. How about a sold-out show with people that'll fucking line up down the block when you're done? How about a show? Yeah. How about a show? I'm giving you a long set. I'm giving you.

But, you know, as a comedian myself, if someone calls and goes, hey, it's a great show, I'm in. I'm in. Is the audience there, stage spotlight? They want to see comedy? I know. You could tell me to go to any show. I go, just because we're boys. And we're here to serve the needs of the audience. It's not to stroke my ego. The audience isn't my way to fucking come up. It's my job to entertain the woman that's a single mama too that got a babysitter for her kids,

had to pay for valet and has to buy two drinks. It's my job to make her laugh, not make her a fucking gateway for my career. I'm there to be a service to her and give her a fucking break from her manic life. Make her spirit glow a little bit. Make her laugh, make her think, make her have a good time,

go home fulfilled that's it not look at her at a way that I can come up I fucking hate that attitude man I fucking hate it I just asked my son to tune in too now he's probably just watched me go on that swear-filled rant

he goes look Liam's watching you right now hey Liam how are you and I just go on a lunatic rant that was Lee Lee fed me drugs and made me swear I'm passing the buck The work ethic People understand that a set is a set as a set

A set is a set of a set. It's a work. Whether it's a set at the Irish pub or a set at the comedy, so, you know, people get enaborated with coming here and going here. I got to expect, nothing's going to happen there. It's like what I said to you. I found the happy medium going to Mexican rooms, you know, before Laker games, they're into the Lakers,

and then you've got to walk in there and do comedy. You know, when people go, yeah. And they turn the game off and they turn the game up. Who's ready for comedy? Yeah, who's ready for comedy? And you have no idea. And they're looking at you like, Can't I just kill this guy?

People don't know that. When you go to a comedy club, you're prepared to laugh. When you go to the Latin lounge tonight on the Hacienda Heights tonight, Monday nights, they have a room, 10 o'clock. They shut the Lakers game on when you get there. You know how piss those fucking people are? They're in there eating those fried fucking snacks and you walk in. And you have no idea what the difference is to making somebody laugh that's prepared to laugh. Yeah.

And making somebody laugh who's in to have a drink and get his dick suck. And all of a sudden you walk up on stadium. They're like, what the fuck is this? It's comedy night here. El Rancho tonight. El Rancho, whatever. El Rancho Cucaracho. It's comedy night.

Hosted by, whatever. And you're like, and they're like sitting there going, but what about the fucking Dodger game? And you're like, fuck the Dodger game. That's where comedy lives. And you got to get him and you win him over and that's a victory. Oh, my God. It's the best.

I started comedy. the broker joker and it was steak night 1495 for a steak baked potato salad and one cocktail you have no fucking idea you just get happy if they look up at you oh yeah like that's your go this fucking steak for 14 dollars in a comedy ticket and then they used on sundays they used to have movie night till this day i don't know how they got away with that the broker like they would have Charles Bronson night. So they would have the mechanic and hard times and then I would go up in between movies and do 15 minutes. That set is born to lose. Like

a fucking magician can't make that set work. It's like following a band. Forget it. You're done. These were the things I did. I look back at going into in bolder, going into poetry readings. And he said you could get. I'll never forget the guy going like, what is the name of your poem? My poem is called Light Me at Five. Oh, my God.

And then after they got hip, I was so bad as an open micer. When I go up to the do poetry, I wouldn't even do poetry. I'd go up to the crack jokes. And I was so bad that one day they came to me and I listened, you can't come back here no more. You got bombed from the poetry. Your poetry is so bad. It's so bad. You don't even get high tonight.

You're acting fucking high. What are you talking about? You're like floating around like. laughing on the idea of you going, like, why don't you do that now? Just go up before a movie starts and do five minutes. Just people... Like the Arklight guy. Because people throw me the fuck out.

I'm surprised the Arklight guy hasn't tried to do stand-up. If the Arklight guy was a stand-up comic, he would be able to make a show. He'd have to do... He goes up there and gives you the most boring piece of shit spiel about Hi, welcome to the Arkline. If you have any questions, go up there and fucking

live it up. I used to do the opening for What's the ski guy? Warren Miller? Yeah, Warren Miller does the ski thing. So every year Warren Miller makes one new film and they do from here all the way up to San Francisco. They go into different theaters on a Friday night to kick off ski season.

So what they do is all these Colorado. That's why you know that shit. All these fucking Oh, this is a great one. All these ski resorts up here like three weeks before the ski season starts these things happen.

And what you do is it's Warren Miller's upcoming. ski festival and you watch a film with a bunch of fucking Momo skiing and falling down. And then in between everything they raffle off skis and bindings and poles and hats and hand warmers and I did that.

I did that when you're here. Your buddy gave me the job. I can't remember Rich Perrette, no Perrette. I figure a big fat guy he used to book that club up in a universal before it was... Oh fuck, I know what you're talking about.

Big, big guy. He was a writer. Oh my God, he's friends with Josh Wolf. He used to do it and he gave me the job. So I did the job. We started in San Diego State and we had it all over the Bakersfield and back. And it was a three-week job. Mick broke. I mean, I was broke when this kid called me and he goes, I can't do it. Josh Wolf can't do it. Can you do it? I'm like, yeah, I'll do it. 200 a show. Some nights you do two shows, they give you 400. They pay you before. four, so it was three weeks of work. So the guy paid me.

Oh, you flush going into the three weeks? The guy pays you two weeks in advance. Oh, my God. It was like a Christmas and I was fucking broke as fuck. I'll never have. You know, you look at your life and you go, you know what? You don't get what you want, but you get what you need. Yeah.

I'm doing tons of blow at the time. I'm a fucking savage. We start somewhere around. We start in San Diego, go up, you know, all these little towns, all the way to like Bakersfield. and then we shoot back down. I forget what theaters we did, but I remember specifically it wasn't sent. The last week was San Diego, Redondo Beach,

and something else. It was four shows. It was four nights. The last three were two shows a night. You follow me? The last year were two shows in night, but we were doing a Sunday in the town before San Diego.

So you know me, dog. I'm a criminal. I'm watching this for two weeks, and I'm watching that every night. the money they get from the movie theater, the cash, they put in rubber bands and they put in a yellow envelope. But they're college kids. Every night when they come in,

they bring that same yellow envelope ban and take that money and put in there. They're not making deposits on the road. So somewhere... I know this. So somewhere is a yellow envelope for cash? I'm a Coke fiend than a half at the time. If you come in here with a wallet, I'm watching that.

I watched everything in those days. In those days, there was no iPhone in my life. I pay attention to everything. The other day I tapped later on the show, I go, do me a favor to zip up your purse. He goes, why? I go, because your fucking purse is sticking right out. 20 years ago, that thing would have been mine.

She giggled. She giggled, you'd giggle, you dumb bitch. That thing would have been mine. You're talking to your goofy son. He don't know what's going on either. He's talking about the jets or whatever the fuck he's talking on. Right there. It was hanging right there.

All I had to do was bump with this elbow and take this out. Gone. And there was money sticking out of it. She was a fucking lemon, a grape. In New York, of all people. You know, New York of all places for it to fucking happen. Sunday, now I go down. I already spent all my money

and I need a fucking fix and I'm watching the guy's Jeep and I see him go out take the fucking thing, take the money I see where he puts the ones for like two nights I see he puts it behind the driver's side and the thing and there's a bunch of boxes back there

I'm watching his fucking keys and I'm watching him because I have to wait for the movie to finish and I have to run up there and I'm watching I see he puts his keys down and something happens like it only happened to Joey Dias a chick walks in with big tits and he jumps on the chick and starts working her and asks her she wants to have a drink

and they're old friends and he puts his keys down I clip the fucking keys and all you got to do is click click and I put the keys back on the counter and I just waited until he I went up did the announcements I came out I watched him and the girl talking and I went out there and I fucking clicked

with my car I pulled up with my car next to his I got out I opened up the passenger and I just took out an envelope and I threw in the trunk under the fucking spare tire and I pulled the car over and I did the last presentation I got to go. I took that fucking car on a Sunday night

and I flew. Flew! I didn't want it to find out. I wanted to be out of the area in case he thought it was me. I pulled over one of those exits. It was $2,000 a week before Christmas. I went right to the Martel cartel and bought a fucking eight ball. The next day I had an audition for American gun

with James Coburn. I ain't kidding you, Doug. I booked that movie. I was out till 11 in the fucking morning. I bumped into some girl that wanted me to fucking pull her hair while we're doing coke. I swear to God. I took it to that palms

on the sunset across from Rock and Road Rouse. The restaurant? No, that fucking hotel. That fucking that they redid it's a dirty hotel. I took her in there with Snowden Coke. And she's like, you have to do me a favor. Can you pull my hair? It turns me on.

We're sitting there. I'm pulling this woman's fucking scalp at 8 in the morning. And she's like, please pull it harder so I can come. Then I'll let you eat my put. It's fucking craziness. And you had to go to set? I had to go, no, I had to go for the call back.

Monday 11th I went home at like 930 took a nap the phone rang it's the casting director Joey We're up here waiting for you I had to run up to CBS Radford they did it on the side I didn't have to go into the studio They have those little side things across from the studio behind the sushi restaurant Right there I robbed the guy for the deuce fuck him. He should have paid attention Dumb little fucking college kids fucking with a professional You know leave your keys on the table fuck around with some little chick with big dits and dirty feet Imagine what you could do now with the phone. Because people leave their phones everywhere.

Like sometimes I'll go somewhere and realize I left my phone at the table at a restaurant or something. Like you could probably make a thousand a night just taking phones. People probably do that now. How do you make more laptops? Just tell them. People at Starbucks writing and then they go to the bath and they leave a $2,000 laptop sitting on the-old. You can't rob an innocent guy like that, you know. They're in there writing some dummy college kid that you got to teach them about money.

That's what you're going to teach somebody a lesson. They fucked up, you know? can't leave your fucking shit out my friend told me his partner suntans in front of the business and the other day a customer came he ran in he left his cell phone on the park bench

somebody clipped his brand new fucking cell phone did you hear that they someone robbed a UPS truck when they were delivering the new iPhones they just took it down in Englewood it was hysterical they just took a truck

they probably left the keys and I don't know what they did but maybe they left the door open but it just took a UPS drug It happens all the time I mean the problem with the UPS trick is you can't do much Especially now They got you with these fucking drones

They got you at a police helicopter So unless you know for sure what's in that fucking truck Unless you have the bill of fucking late You know some dispatch that's telling you truck 68 Has got $20,000 worth of UPS shit on it Then you can hijack those motherfuckers But unless you really know You don't know what the fuck

you're doing, you're just getting the UPS truck. The thing about UPS is they ship diamonds over UPS. So a lot of people, you know, you get into one of those boxes, you don't know what the fuck is in there. It could be diamonds. It could be paperwork. It could be Christmas. It's got to be the right fucking box. But I'd be pissed off if I robbed the

UPS drug and all I had was letters in that motherfucker and fucking hats and subpoenas. You know, people were fucking flat feet ordering and shit from Amazon fucking prime or something. Let me get some shoutouts. Get the fuck out of here. Austin Smitty Smith.

I love you, cocksucker. Fernando and all your fucking friends. Shout out, Waldo. Who loves you? Corey Rucker, Joey Zaza tweets, Matt Balthazar, and Steve Zohy. I love you, motherfucker.

Don't forget I'll be in Toledo this weekend. And then 10-5-10-7 with taping. This is not happening. If you want tickets, go to the link and press an S-2. What's up, though? Yeah, so do that. And what they said is if you type

in that number, you'll get up better seats. Because they know what community you actually want to see. Right. They know what you want to see. So please, if you come into those tapings next week, where are they taping it? At Cheetahs. Right? Cheetahs again? I think so. Yeah. I can double check. It's a good-looking show. Yeah, it's just, it's just, and it,

like you never know if you want to, if you want to go with technology or if it's too much or because I don't know what I was. You talked about that about four hours ago. I don't have a prom. Again, I do not have a problem with technology. I have a problem that you're not paying attention to your surroundings. That's the problem I have, that you're not paying attention to your surroundings.

If your face is in a phone and you're texting, you're sitting in a fucking thing. You're missing your goddamn life. There's no life. I look at that Twitter sometimes. I'm in a hotel room, and I'll just look on Twitter to see if I got a message on a Sunday. I won't post it. But I'll see people having conversations on a fucking Sunday, and you're like, guys, you got to knock it off. You got to knock it off.

There's people who stay on there all fucking day, all weekend. You got to knock it off. If I go on here at 2 and at 6 and you're still on here talking to this person, you're missing something, man. Those are the people that you see that, you know, they're just making statements on there. Where's my nail polish? What the fuck? There's a chick, Susie Cream Cheese. She writes the craziest shit about her pussy.

There's the sperm sponge You know, there's women in there that I don't know where they fight That's sperm sponge all day From beginning to end It's my pussy's wet, my teddy hurts You know, I got chlamydia but I still want to suck dick I mean, it's all fucking day And you're like, what are you doing?

There's a son out there Yeah, get outside There's a beautiful fucking son out there This is all the problems I have This is it You know, does your son go out of daytime? Yeah, yeah Oh, he plays in the daytime front of him?

I mean, you know, he's in the games, but we're on top of that. Are they outside? Are they outside? We got an RV, so we just went up. We were at Ventura Ranch, K-O.A. We were in the RV Friday to Sunday, so no phones. I mean, minimal phone use, but, you know, the whole point's. Outside, getting in the woods, he was running around with a pal of his all weekend.

It was great. You know, I just, I really like to start something for neighborhoods, like something nationwide, start in the neighborhood and take it nationwide. where Monday to Friday a different parent has to come out that belongs to the three block radius and do different activities with these fucking kids and get them out of the fucking house. Whether it's football, whiffleball.

And then one community, it spreads. And it keeps going. And there's five days a week. And there's got to be other 20 kids that live on the block. Five worthless fucking parents that come out each day Monday and just like have a shed on the block with a fucking soccer ball and a football and a bicycle and a stick and darts.

and these kids could come out and do something. There's no kids outside at all, ever, ever. In any community I fucking go. I just went to my hometown. I hear there's nobody. There are people in Jersey outside? You didn't see anything? They got curfews in a lot of these cities now, man.

A lot of these cities have fucking curfews for kids. You're outside after 10. They're going to pull you over and ask you why you out and look at your ID. I see it here. I see it fucking here in L.A. I see it up in Studio City. Fuck you. You know why I see it like by the,

by the Tunga, Magnolia. I seen somebody the other day by Yum Yum donuts. They had some kids pulled over, just where we were walking. And I don't think the kids looked like they were doing anything with three of them. Just walking. They weren't drinking or nothing. I saw a sign on a store that said if you're like, if you're under 18 and you can't come in during like the week. Like they check truancy and stuff.

They'll call the truancy. I didn't even know that existed. That during the week, if you're not in school, they could like actually send a truancy cop. I thought it was something from the movies. No, they have chewing cops. I don't know if they still do them. I don't know if that still do. They haven't children, cop or kids in school?

I don't know. I don't know. I just saw it right around here. Like, I didn't know that they were instituting all these rules now for just to listen. If you're wandering around and it's after 10, you're fucking up to no good. And it ended, you, and be smart enough to avoid the heat. How do you avoid the cops, though?

Someone yells, book it. And then you just take off running. Problem solved. Well, then they see you running, and that don't win either. There's just no kids outside, and it just does something. And they're watching something. They say, what's your name? And you say, my name's Lee.

I don't think they're watching Netflix. I don't know what the fuck they're watching. Video games, for sure. Video games. I don't have no video games on my phone. Nothing. Nothing. I have no.

This isn't a form of entertainment for me. Well, you're the exception, not the rule. That's for sure. What's a video fucking game? Like, it's really. they have those things. Well, no, it's not on the phones. It's Xbox.

Well, they have games on your phone, too, yeah. PS4. And it's amazing how quickly we become accustomed to it. Like, it's the normal now. Like, the way you were saying you used to get around now with, like, MapQuest and directions. I remember printing out MapQuest. And now, like, I would never do. Like, what am I going to do, print it out before I leave?

Well, what if I don't know if I'm going there? It's... Use ways or... I just can't understand if you know you're going somewhere. You're going to put that shit in the car. 90% of that lady telling you direction, she's putting you on the same route with every other mutton in LA. Right.

That's the same directions as every other fucking mutt. Well. You know, and also, when you do that, you're making the wrong laughter. You make a Utah. I want to know where the fuck I'm going before I get in the fucking car. Well, to be fair, your directions are through, like, alleys. That's one of some of the best times I've ever had is, like, driving you to the doctor. And you're like, all right, go through this alley.

It's like, the streets nobody takes. Yeah. I don't like taking a fucking, why go on it? the same street where everybody listen man the funniest thing in L.A. to me is going over Laurel Cain in the morning I think that is the

to me that is the whole thing when people sit in that left lane for hours and the right lane is moving and you go all the way to the top you wait till the light turns green and you fit right in and there's people that know that and sit on that line

all day waiting so you're the guy that goes right lane goes and then cuts in at the right at the top. I don't have no time to wait. I'm 52. I might die tomorrow. I'm going to sit in the line and listen to music. And even if I don't, if I have the red light,

I just make the first right and make the U-turn and get in that thing and I just cut everybody on. I just saved a half hour that everybody goes into work saying, anybody else going for a local canyon today? Because you stood on a line. That line tells me something about you. That line

should tell you something about yourself. In any situation, that line to me, you know, when you fly, there's a line. I get it. There's a fucking line. Whether you fly pre-TSA, TSA, first class, or whatever, there's a line. And you need to take that line. I have an option on Laurel King. We all have options in life.

I'm going to go buy the same fucking hat that every other jerk off has or the same tattoo to be like that jerk off. Or I'm going to do something different. It really makes you think about that line. Yeah. You know, it's like when we go to Austin, we have to go to the barbecue. I'd rather not eat it if I got to stay on line. It's a new trend.

Standing on line is cool. Like, people leave Russia not to stand online, and these assholes stand on fucking line. I never understood that. Yeah. You know, I'm hungry. There's no other way around me getting on that fucking in and out line. That one outside in front of the fucking office?

You would never do it? No, no, no, I didn't say that. You got to go inside. I got to go inside. But I'm hungry. But if I can't get that burger and I'm really hungry, I go to Burger King and eat a burger, I'm not going to wait on line an hour for no fucking food. If you got to choose between Burger King and Wendy's, where you go?

I'm home. I'd rather jerk off and die than eat either of them. But my point is that we have this thing in this country now. We're waiting an hour on line is chic. Oh, my God. The food is so good. It's like the people at the griddle. when I drive past the griddle

I really feel bad for you as a human being I gotta get there early no line or I'm not eating well listen there's a griddle and then there's across the street there's a bagel place that has tremendous bagel spots yeah across the street next to we go sit in the back and out there's great bagels great bagels yeah

so if I go to the griddle and there's an hour wait it's a fucking egg it's a fucking egg it's a fucking egg a fried fucking egg potatoes they're potatoes I can only do potatoes three fucking weight boiled. Well, they're Cajun, they have seasonings, what fucking seasoning? It's a fucking potato,

you dumb fuck. Bacon, sliced thin, cooked good, I can get anywhere. So what's the fucking line for? That's because if you wait on the line, there's so much else you do. You're a procrastinator. There's so much else. You're looking at your phone.

Huh? You're online staring at your phone. Like a fucking moron. What life is going by. Meanwhile, there's a bagel place that's open. Me, I go to the If the bagel place has a line, I go to Whole Foods next to it. I know they're going to have something for me to fucking eat. But I do that in 15 minutes instead of a fucking hour. Yeah.

You know, that line means a lot to me when I go up Laurel Cane. Every time I go up Lowell, I go, look at these people. They know this is an hour away, and they still do it. And here I cut them off, and they don't even beep at me and call me an asshole. I got shit to do. Well, there's a difference. It's the same thing we're going from the 101 of the 405 or any. They have these roads everywhere all around the world.

The people who go there and then make other people misleight behind them because they don't want to take the right and then do the U-turn. It's like at the airport. If someone just cuts through the line, you're going to get mad at them. Like if they cut through it and you've been waiting there an hour and then they just cut through, then you're going to be pissed. But they can do it too. Not a line at the airport. I'm talking about a line when you're free to take whatever lane you want to. Right.

But then there's people who will get in the right-hand lane and hit a red and then because they want to go straight, they won't take that right. And then people who want to take the right are stuck behind. Oh, no, I see what you're saying. Those are scumbags. I bang the right and make the U-turn. I'm not going to sit behind nobody because I don't like when nobody does it to me. And then people here who just stop when they have a car accident that blows. It blows my mind every single time I see it.

They just stop when they have an accident on the freeway. To look. Does he the wrong way? Not even the people who are looking, the people who have the accident. Everywhere else I have ever been, if you have an accident and the car still works, you pull over to the side. Oh, I see what you're saying. If people have a fender bender here, they just stopped. It was like those cops who just stopped in the middle of Magnolia that one morning.

And just stopped. And there was that accident. Yeah, that was an accident. Remember on the way to breakfast? And you started yelling at them from my car? Well, yeah. It's 8 in the morning on a Monday morning. And they're in the one lane.

These are cops. These are public servants to the cops that are in the fucking main lane. You know, pull over to the fucking side. That's all we ask of you. Yeah. This is all common sense type shit. I just never understood those people. that waited on that line.

And I wait on lines at the airport. They had to wait on line for 20 minutes at Kennedy Airport. You always have to wait on line. You know, there's no way I could go up to TSA and go, listen, I'm hitting this other line over here, Cocksucker. They're not going to allow it. But on Laurel Rican, that line always makes me think. Like, if you're waiting for that and you know you could take it,

you're going to work. You're going to work. Why are you sitting there? Like, I fucking waiting for a bomb to drop. Let me read the sponsors. We get the fuck out of here. As usual, my main motherfucker is alpha brain on it, putting it together. Alpha brain, 100% guarantee, even if you don't use the motherfucking product.

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You got a vapor pen. You want to fly. Whatever the fuck you want to do with it. I think you can burn waxing it. You can burn some oil. Oil. It's what you need. I want to thank Audit. I want to thank Hiddy, Sigs.

And I want to thank Nail that. life for supporting us and all you filthy motherfuckers. I want to think Mick Bettencourt here. Don't worry about nothing. Mick Bettencourt for coming on. What days is your podcast come out? The Mick Bettencourt show. Mick Betancourt show drops every Monday. You can get it on iTunes or you can go to Mick Bettencourt.com and October 27th on ABC, a show that I am working on right now called Wicked City premieres. And I think people are going to get into it. I'm really proud of it. and I hope you guys check it out and like it.

Good for you, man. The other day I was watching Law &Aard of the SBUs. I watched a marathon. You were like in three of them and shit. You had ridden, a co-produced. You're a fucking savage. What's up in your world there, fuck-o? Just working?

I don't know, man, I'm highest. I don't know what I got to get this on Wednesday. We'll smoke another joint on the way out. Okay, let's do it. And we have kettlebell class tomorrow. Fuck, yeah, Yogi Steve. Fucking Yogi Steve at VMA. If you're not doing nothing, stop by 11 to 12.

You're in Toledo. We do some swings. We do some. Some fucking one-arm cleans. We do the battle road. We do everything for now. I think it's $15. Stop on over.

It's on Burbank Boulevard in North Hollywood. We'll be there 11 o'clock if you're not doing anything. Lee and myself. It's fun. And there's a lot of fucking fun, man. So we go there every Tuesdays. And that's it. I want to thank Mick for coming on.

Don't forget. Friday and Saddam at the Toledo Funny Bone. Next Tuesday night, I'm doing the show for Ari at the Cheetah. Get your tickets that this is not happening. and press S2 and they know you're coming to see me and somebody else is some shit, all right?

Besides that, I love you, Coxucker. Stay black and don't forget there's a world out there. Fuck your fucking phone. Yeah, none of the stories you're going to tell on are you show or about your phones. No, fuck your fucking phones, cock suck. I love you guys.

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