The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #322 - Mike Faverman

Episode Date: October 1, 2015

Mike Faverman, Comedian, and host of the Ultimate Outdoor Cooking Show joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 09/30/2015.   Music:   Judas Priest - Killing Machines Frank Sinatra - New York New York

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AlphaBrain, new mood, Shroom Tech immune, Shroom Tech Sport. And I just saw that they're having a sale separate from this on their big kettlebells. So go to Onit.com. Use Coburn Church to get 10% off of their optimization. And then go take out all the other products. And let's start the show. Where's that microphone, Lee, Siott?

Kick this motherfucker Lee. To Wednesday. Midday type podcast. Church of what's happened. now. Ninety-six But never turn all I never walk the street right

Are you fucking kidding me? Or what? 96 degrees 96 degrees September 30th 2015 Jesus

The church of what's happening now You bad motherfuckers Where has the year gone? You gotta ask yourself It's fucking October 1st break out the fucking pumpkins. And about a week out of Halloween, all of a sudden they're going to start advertising fucking Thanksgiving.

All soon you see fucking people with hats. A week out of Halloween, they'll start doing it. They'll start doing it as soon as the Halloween candy goes down a little bit. I used to work at CVS. It was constant. It was immediately after the holiday. It's called the seasonal aisle,

right in the middle of the store. Like it goes straight from Christmas to Valentine's Day usually, or maybe New Year's to Valentine's Day. It's crazy. It's a good shop working time of the year. Right from Halloween, the fucking Valentine's Day. You could steal and bring shit back and put a sweater on, go to a party, sweat it up. With the new sweater on?

Fuck yeah. Mikey Flavis in the fucking house. Joey Dee. Mikey Favre. My old fucking brothers from back in the day. When did you get here from Boston, Mike? As soon as I graduated from UMass, I went directly out to the West Coast of State in San Diego. Right, right.

Because I'd lived there the summer before. And I had a blast, dude. Junior college, summer break, went out there by myself, got some cool jobs. The women were unbelievable. What did you do in San Diego? It was a chef. I worked at a couple restaurants, curry place, upscale American cuisine place, and then like an upscale seafood place. That was right on the ocean. Now, we're stand up on the horizon already.

I wanted to do it. I came out to the West Coast to get into it. And actually, funny, you should say that, I had done one set in Boston, and I, you know, And then I went down to San Diego to do that open mic there as a second time set. With in front of Craigie, you remember Craigie McFarland. Anyways, I bombed hard, bro. I mean, to the point I was like, why did I even bother? It was awful, dude.

And then I made my way right up to L.A. I'm like, well, listen, if you're going to do it, you know, go up there and get it done. What year was that exactly? About 2000? No, that was 90, probably 7. Because we were in Rascals in 98, 99, in Jersey. Yeah, that's right. Where'd we go in Texas that time where the chick had big tits?

Humarillo. Yeah. Julia. No, Lubbic. Lubbock. That was so fun, Joey. It didn't even matter. The audiences were small, but we were just ripping them. We're in the middle of nowhere.

Dude, what a blast. We had a two-bedroom hotel, like a two-bedroom condo, the air conditioning. Dude, you had the air conditioning into like minus two. I felt like it was in Minneapolis and, February, dude. Dude, you were killing me. The best is when you get in the car with him, and it's immediately, like, I have to, I've started to have to bring a, like, I'm going to have to bring a jacket from now on.

It's like, dude. It was so cold. There was a cow leg hanging on the ceiling in the corner. You were killing me, dude. We would end the heat of the summer. Yeah, it was brutal. In August. It was brutal, dude.

But that's what makes it so special is that, and sweet, is that it's hot. You're in Texas. It's just you and your buddy. The audiences don't know. what the fuck's happening and you're just having a blast and rocking shows man you know when you're an attorney and you go to court and you say I'm here with my client Mike favorman he's going to plead this you know due to a case Jones versus Smith 1682 property you know it's the same way for me with calming you ever go somewhere one night and because I just told somebody this story about

who we were talking about Texas comedy nights yeah uh does that don't Bar, Dustin Bar up in the Ice House. We were just talking about, let's face it, as a comic, let's face it. I started in Colorado, went to Seattle, came here. If I really have to say what state made me a comic, I got to say it was Texas. Because you had

the Addison Improv. You had Houston, all those rooms. You had El Paso. You had, you had, you know, what the fuck are we talking about? Lovick, Amarillo. You know, you could spend three weeks traditionally, pretty much in fucking Texas. Loved it. Comedy. Love it, dude. Love it. Love it.

Something about the first time I went to Houston, it was, it was like, where the fuck have I been? Yeah. First time I went to Houston, Texas, I'm not lying to you, it was the July, September of 8, of 98, first time I went to Texas, I asked

myself two days there, like, I thought I was cool. No, I know nothing about parties or life or cities. Houston had taken me from point A to point B. The food the people, the ambiance, and then you go to Dallas. Then you go to El Paso, which is a border town, it's different.

There's more Mexicans, and they're very nice, and they're crazy. How many times do we go to Bart Reed and cause fucking... Too many. Too many. You don't even have us back. Yeah, I'm the bus. Yeah, he won't have you back. He won't have me, man.

No, somebody just sent me a text, and he texts them, and they said no, and he never banned me officially. I just don't want to... It was just, you know, you did the room a thousand times. That Monday night open mic. in Houston. I drove hundreds of miles just to show up and be there several times. Just the vibe, the people, the, the audiences.

It's just that Texas is one of the, Houston was one of the best places to play. Loved it, man. I love the Houston Improv now. Yeah. And I love the kid who runs it. And the people who run it, the Houston Impro is a great, great club. But it doesn't match to the memories we had. so it kind of weirds me out when I'm there.

No offense to the club. It's a great club. I'm probably going to go back to the next year. I love the fucking place. But what I'm saying is, if you are listening to Mike, Mike used to drive. It's 24 hours from here to Houston. It's 24 hours straight.

Like if you have a partner in crime with you. Just gas. Stop it, Opasso, gas, eat something, and go. Do you know how many times I did that fucking run? 10? 12. Yeah. Like this. I knew it from the back of my fucking hand.

You know, everything. about it. And that drive across Texas, dude, like humbles you. It's like 12 hours in the same state. A whole day wasted driving across a state. You guys that want to get into comedy.

That's the... You have to drive. That's the one thing. I love driving. You have to love to get in the car and go, okay, I'm going to roll two joints and I'm not stopping this car so it's on E. And I'm on E. And you're going. From E to E. Yeah. E to E is when you stop, eat, stretch, roll two more joints, take a piss, make some falls, take a nap, whatever.

But I would go tanks. I wouldn't stop before a tank, three, four hours. Could you... It was worth it, too. Could you make a living as a comic just in Texas? I don't know now, but then? I don't know about year-round. We're talking 12 fucking months.

Okay. We're talking, you do a club twice a year. That's a lot. They don't know who you are. No, you'd have to add Louisiana, Mississippi, Arizona, New Mexico. Tulsa. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Maybe a little, a northern Florida. If you had, let's say money wasn't an issue, right? Like, let's say you had all the money you wanted. Would you be like that kind of comic? No. I could see you enjoying that a little bit more. It'd have to be smart put together, like a nice run of four or five cities in and out, boom, boom, boom.

But if you got big, dude, you could literally do like a Thursday, Friday, and then a Saturday, Sunday, and two different cities. Did you ever hear Tim Allen's argument with Jim Massada? No, I don't think so. Tim Allen performs at the laugh factor from time to time. They make a big deal about it on Wednesday nights. They put clean people around them. Tim's a great guy. I have nothing against Tim.

He's one of my idols growing up in comedy. But there was a time when Tim and James Masada were going at it because he just wanted to do six minutes. Right. And he offered to just do the open mic, but Jamie would fuck him and say Tim Allen is going to be in the open mic and they'd be doing the people there. Do you understand

What I'm coming from So I don't care how big you get If you love comedy One night you're going to go You know what Fucking Mike Fabin's at the You were at the Tulsa Suck my dick

I see that I'm an hour away Let's say I'm a millionaire I'm a big time comic If you really love comedy You're going to go see Mike And you're going to do 20 minutes Because nobody's knowing

You're coming to see it There's no issue about money. It helps the club. Comedy is comedy. One of the happiest I've ever heard you after a show was that coffee shop you did last year in Kentucky. You really liked that show. Because there was no, I didn't have to worry about

numbers. Right. And money. Be funny. I just put donations and at the end of the night. I put four comics. I said, you comics split the four fucking people. There was $120, $100, $130. I made that night because nobody ever gives a young comic a dime. Right. Nobody gives a young comic a dime.

You know, we were in Vegas last. last week and I got a little agitated by a couple moves. Right. Because I feel when a young comic has an opportunity, there's no thinking. Do you know what I'm saying? When a young comic, like when you come to me and you're three years and you go, Joey, I've been doing this for three years. I got 16 minutes.

I really want to open feet on my dog. You know what? Because you came at me like that. Let's do this. And we go on the road a couple times. I want you to fucking go nuts out there. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I mean, I love creating opportunities for you.

young comics, but I want them going half-ass. Because I did that. I have went half-ass. We called people, right? You pick up the phone and go, what's going on this weekend? Can I come down and do a couple spots? I don't want no money. I'll sleep on the fucking floor. It's crazy. There's a difference between, you know...

It's a need and a want. So that's a great question, because I got to tell you something. There's nights. I just want to do comedy. I just want to go to the store for them to go, Joe Diaz. And I hear three claps, and nobody knows who the fuck I hear him. I can say whatever the fuck I want. You know, I go to the store now.

They got me on the gazebo. You know, right clap. You follow me? Whatever the fuck it is. The marquee. Do you think you could go and just use a different name? Not at the store, obviously, but if you went to, like, the middle of nowhere and said your name was... Well, the comic would still, the book would still want to go.

I don't know. No, no, not as like a headliner, but, like, even just to show up at an open mic in, I don't know, the middle of California. I would love it. I would love to just show up at open mics and do time from time to time. you know. Pure comedy at its best, you know. Nobody knows who you are. Nobody knows what to expect. And you just rock it and they're just blown away.

That's why I always say. That's why I was telling Mictia, they're doing those Mexican rooms about L.A., toughening you up because nobody knows who the fuck you are at those bars. They got six drinks on them. They know nothing. They don't know who the fuck. You could be Cheech Rivera or Chichabastique.

They don't know who the fuck you are. And that's what makes the challenge. Anybody could go into a comedy store or an improv or Lulu's coffee shop that advertise comedy every week and people are prepared to go in there and laugh. Those Mexican bars, like I said, when you go in there, there's a Laker game or a Dodger game,

or you're in Buffalo, and you've got to go in between a Sabre game. Every state has that. They shut off the game in all the time. They forgot. You sold out on Thursday, but they forgot the fucking rockets are in the playoffs. No, it's a different comedy show, brother. People are getting up. People can't focus.

They're giggling, but they want to know. Who their fucking team is. Like you on a Sunday. Right, yeah. If they were playing on 7 o'clock America's game, wouldn't you? If you were sitting there at a fucking boring movie, you're like, what the fuck? New England's playing right now. I get why a lot of comics do Sunday shows, and I know you don't like them.

But especially during football season, I don't even see the point. Like, for anybody, I don't see why the club's even open. Well, some clubs don't look at it that way. They look at 80 people in the seat, two drinks apiece. That's their Sunday night. At least they get a little. They're going to be there anyway. For me, I worked Sundays till fucking forever.

I worked Sundays till 2000 and fucking three. And one day I said, you know what? I don't want to work Sundays no more. They're really a waste of my fucking time. Even though we did. We had fun at the fucking the South Point that Sunday. That was a great show. That's fun.

But then it's just like, like imagine in Texas where football is everything. So Friday night is high school football. Saturday's college, Sunday's pros. Mondays pros. Oh, yeah, that's good. I gotta tell you. They have a Thursday night game. That must be crazy to get anybody to come out in Texas.

As sad as this sounds, some of the best shows I've had in this business have been on a Sunday night. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I had a chick, take her fucking clothes off in Miami one time on the Sunday night. Oh, wow.

At the fucking laugh stop in Houston, Sunday night games, Sunday night, 100 people. Those 100 people are really 400 people. They're out to fucking laugh on a Sunday, brother. Right. So don't get me wrong. What a lot.

Some of the best. Listen, I had a great. time. I shot the special on Friday and Saturday, but on Sunday, I let it loose. I got that valve and let fucking loose. And there were a bunch of old people in there. I got three emails. People hated me. But I

let fucking loose, okay? That's a slow week. Yeah, Sunday nights, you got to let loose. Everybody knows where we stand. It's been a long week and we're going right into a fucking new one. We're getting bad. We're going right into a new one, Coxs like. So now you're in L.A. It's 1998. What possessed you

to go to the comedy store? Oh man, it's Come on man It was the The stars that came out of the place The place is historic It's world famous comedy stuff You knew about this coming in

Bro I was why You know when I was a kid It was always Dice and Kinnison And Eddie Murphy And uh And you're like These guys are rock stars of comedy And they were bringing huge audiences

And just rocking stadiums and specials And you're like That's that's The pinnacle This guy's a guy's killing it. So I had to come out here, man. Who was the first big name you saw at the store

that took your breath away for a second? Yeah. I mean, not huge star, but Freddy Soto. Really? I just went there, like one of the first days in town, and the lineup was Johnny Sanchez, Freddie Soto. I think you, but Holtzman. Holtzman, dude. He insulted me. I wanted to go out that guy. I'm like, who the fuck is this prick? And then he

It'll have to be a good friend years later, man. Maniac screaming at people, dude. It was funny, but I got mad, you know. But Soto was, dude, he, like, he lit up a small room, like, no one other than a scene. You know what I mean? Daisy, at that point. Dude, I saw him in the belly room in front of, like, maybe five, six people, and he was 100% on. You know what I mean?

Animation, you know, he played everything out, and he rocked that place. And I was like, whoa. got that much out of that, you know, unopportunistic, you know, performance, man. He was awesome. So then I just, you know, started to ease my way in, man, got a job there for a little while. And then you, I gave you a joint, I gave you a joint because what was the book his name? Ken Phillips. Ken Phillips.

He's like, give Joey Diaz's joint. Now, how'd you meet Ken Phillips? Craigie used to work for him. It was like an assistant for him. and he just said, go see Joey Deas. Seeked you out. You weren't hard to find. And boom, the rest was history.

Smoked that joint and then, and just taught me about the treble runs, dude. Oh, those nightmare years. 800 miles in between gigs for like 150. Who'd you do them with? Who'd you do them with? I had one guy, Joey. He was like an old depressed guy that was drinking a jug of wine.

He would take it, and he would take it. would literally cry. He would cry into like a handpuppet. I was like, bro, I'm out of here. I almost dropped him off in like Missoula. I was done with this guy, dude. For people who don't know, okay? So you wake up one morning,

you don't know where your life is going or you're fucking miserable. All right? You hate your wife. You hate your mother. You hate everybody. And all of a stand-up comedy show comes on. In the middle of this, you say to yourself,

hmm, I could do this. you go to the fucking bookstore, you buy a book with your last $8, you read up on it, you go on the yellow pages. This is way before fucking, I'm talking before internet. You go on the yellow pages, you look up

comedy clubs, there's two fucking comedy clubs. You go down there one night, you pay the fig together and you pay two drinks, you watch, and on the way out, you see they have an open talent night, and your fucking senses go off. Your senses go off. Ding, ding, ding, ding, you're ready to fucking go.

It's a great idea. Oh, my God. You get your material ready. You tell all your boys, the people at work, 22 people come out. They're rubbing your shoulders. This is your big, rocky moments. You go up there and eat the dick of life, right?

It's like a dick comes out of the back. It goes right to your mouth. Right through your head. But you go out of that stage, and it's like Cupid. It's an acceleration. It's this feeling. More. It's me throwing you off a building with a parachute.

It's you choking. somebody. It's just you coming in somebody's mouth. It's everything rolled up in one. You leave there. You think about it and you go, nah. Right. You go, nah. Then you go out and you see one of the guys that night says, you're great. Where are you from? Boston. I'm from Boston. You went to UMass. I went to Emerson. Blah, blah, blah. My brother runs a piano bar on Tuesday. Come on down and do it again.

Lee, after the first time, somebody will all, that's the devil that comes up to you. There's always a person there goes, hey, man, what are you doing tomorrow night? Go to the coffee house. And all of a sudden he just disappears into the air. And you're like, okay, I'll go to the coffee house. And that second time, it's like doing heroin the second time. Now you start shuffling your life in your head, like, maybe I'll do this, I'll do that. And then you go out more and talk to people, go out more.

Now you have a year in. You have a direction. You have a schedule. You have a day job. You're still going out at night. And all of a sudden, Mike Fabin comes up to you and says, hey, you've got a year. car and you're like yeah and you're like it's brand new it's a Volkswagen I got a warranty on it what do you get to miles of the gallon 60 how would you like to open up for me on the

road and then the guy will say to you how much time do you have lead you're like 13 perfect you need 30 but fucking we'll just roll right on the way you know that's comedy guys Tribble is the first door that gets open to you to play every back you know like a there's a city. All right. When we tell people I'm from Boston. I tell people I'm from Boston because I'm really from anywhere. Worcester. Worcester. But I don't have time to fucking explain.

So I'm from Worcester, right? Let's pretend I'm from Worcester. So the big comedy club is Boston. What's the second big comedy club? Probably Worcester. Well, it's not that. Or the Chinese restaurant? The triple runs are the third big city in a city. That's what I'm trying to say. That's like Malden.

So, yeah. It's the third. It's the third. August. It's the third big city in the city, okay? And what he has is a bar. I mean, and here you are. Like you're in your whole thing.

First off, you get up and you get your whole hotel room. You've made it. And you're a head lead. Somebody paid for this. Somebody paid for this. And also they'll come up to you and say, do you want to do a sound check? Sound check, sure. You go over there.

You don't know. First. It's your first. Now, you have, like, it's very interesting because you have Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, every night in a different eight-hour drive between cities. Do they have those in, like, hotel room bars? I saw that ones. That's it. That's it.

Yeah. And they had, like, a little wooden, like, wooden, like, what's the hotel? Stump. He has a lot of Red lions or something like that. Red lions. That's crazy. But I remember just getting to the gig and then hoping the hotel was there for you. You weren't even sure if it was going to be there.

You'd be strained in the middle of nowhere, you know, these guys, these little gigs. But, dude, those were like the, that's where I met the holodome. You know that holodrome in South Dakota? It was a holiday inn with a dome because it was so cold up there. They'd play football with their families and have, like, events there. I mean, in the middle of nowhere, bro. I went all the way to Snake River, Snake River, one of the Dakotas. We went to one place, Dorember.

But we went to one place, Doug, that it was fucking scary on those triple runs. And by Tuesday, I'd say to myself, I could go the whole week without bluff. But by Friday, I'd be fucking dying for a bump. And I'm not going to a snake river. And going, it was a two-nighter. It was Friday and Saturday. What state, do you think? At Dakota?

One of the Dakoters? It was far, Jack. You know, it was like. I went to Haver, which was on the top of Montana. In the middle of nowhere. It was like a town of 64, and everyone was there. Everybody's there. You don't understand.

You're like a fucking big time. Look at me, there he is. He's coming to town. Oh, shit. You just drove 800 miles. You've been eating fast food. All you want to do was crashing. They're like, welcome to the stage.

Dude, I remember I drove 800 miles from one gig to the next. And when I got there, when I got heckled the whole time by these three young jerk-off drunk douchebags. It was awful, dude. driving 800 miles to get heckled the whole time. It's 12 hours, right? Yeah. Yeah, I did. Guys, I had a, when I did that run,

and when I first got introduced to Tribal, it was January of 95. I had just quit Colorado Sports Advisors for the last time. I had a little account going, and I would do Tribal runs, and I would deliver Chinese food when I was home. But I would go on the triple runs for three weeks straight. I knew nothing but Tribal Runs for.

runs in those days. And I'm going to tell you, man, it's a crash course into fucking comedy. It's a crash course. Like whatever holds you had in your game, after six months of triple runs, there won't be any holds in your game. You're not going to be fucking Johnny banana still, but all those little dummy things that you do, that we all do, just dumb habits, you'll work them out because it's four nights a week. And then you learn how to share a room, like, I know, you go to the hotel on Sunday morning and go, what are you going to charge me to stay the extra night. And they'll say, well, we'll give you a rate of $42.

You only made $75 the night before. So you're sacrificing a night of peace. Then you ask for a late checkout on Monday until like two when you eat the crackers, the bagels for breakfast, the muffins. You take everything. The sweet Lopez. Lee, everything. You take

everything. I had a Dotson B-2-10 with everything, Lee. I had a pole in the back seat, where you can hang clothes, I had a sleeping bag, a pillow, a blanket, an extra blanket, flares, radiated repair, an extra tire blow thing for the fucking the tie

I got flat and you didn't have a spare. You can at least write it like a Puerto Rican to a gas station. Lee, you have everything. Boxes are rolling papers, band-aids, everything. You learn to have everything because you're living on the road. I destroyed rental cars. Destroyed them. I remember I got one

at like 50 miles, original miles. I brought it back. It was like 12,000 miles, dude. and they're like, what the heck with, dude, 12,000. Unlimited. When they gave you that unlimited, you fucking push that hillcrow. I remember the run, too. I went all the way to Houston, then up to St. Louis, Chicago, North Carolina, back down to Houston, Little Rock, and then Arizona and then L.A., back home.

Little Rock was where you ran out, and they didn't pay you because you ran out with the check. And Joe Chadwick didn't pay you the money in the hall. That's where the hotel broke for Ralphie. Which one? On the third four in that hotel. It was like an okay. Okay Hotel. They put him on the third floor. That was the name of the place.

The okay hotel. He broke the fucking bed, Ralphie when he was at that club. Oh, my. You know what, though? Little Rock Rock & Sores where I found that, that had sleep at me. Where a doctor came up to me in the hallway. How did you do in Little Rock?

Did they hate you because you are Yankee? Horrible. Horrible. That was the worst. Listen, in comedy, there's going to be times. You're going to get work, and you're not prepared for that work. Yeah. I was not at the, I went to there. I was probably doing comedy seven and a half years.

I thought I had the world by the balls. I was doing good in bigger, hipper cities where I could do my drug lingo. But when I went to that place, that was three nights and just dying. And he headlined me, I just died. It was horrible.

Not for people like us. Huh? Not for comics like us. Well, no, no, no. We're northeasterners. I'll go down there right fucking now and rock that room. Yeah. But in those days, it was seven.

and a half years. It was doubts. They don't like my accent. There's people with white hair. They're Christians. You know what I'm saying? They're nice people. Now I'm experienced to handle that.

Now I know to blow past that in my mind. Yeah. Just blow past and do your material. And they either catch on or they fucking don't. That's it. That's it. When you watch Stanhope, Stanhope goes into those rooms, Stanhope will go into a fucking church and do his material.

And that's why you have to give more the love in the world because it's fearless. and it's committed He's committed into the material He's in there in your face Yelling Cunt your fuck You know whatever the fuck is coming out of his mouth He believes it

So because he believes it You believe it And you just sit there and take the abuse If you're not experienced To do Stanhope shit Try that shit You try that Stanhope style If you're not experienced

If you don't have a fucking spine bond And all you guys are listening to me You know if you're a comic There's every guy There's two Stanhope wannabes in every fucking city. Every city has two Stanhope wannabe. And a Hicks want to be. No, yeah, but the Hicks had gone away.

It's Stanhope. What do you mean Stanhope wannabe? Stanhope wannabe. Well, that's style. The style. The cadence. The cadence to go up there. They're drinking.

Just drop. They're partying. They party hard. It's not like an act about Stanhope. It's just them. No, no, no, they don't always mean to. They just bear that way. Right.

It's just them doing. No. When you start. in comedy, you latch on to a style until your style evolves. Right, but I didn't know it extended to everything about their ass. Well, you're sitting at Dan, Stanhope comes on. You're fucking

24 years old. You're a funny, witty fucking guy. You get smacked at parties because you're drinking shit. That's the end. Stanhope fucking fits. Stanho's my brother, but Stanhope has gotten beat up lumped on his head because he's a little guy with a wise fucking mountain. So now those guys... And a drinking problem. And a drinking problem.

So those guys are trashed to Stanhope. They go on stage and they try to do. What they do is Stanhope doing abortion jokes and crushing babies' heads and the uterus of an unborn child and they use big words and it's prepared and they rattle off that shit and people look at you like, yeah, I'm going to applaud because it took 20 minutes to look at the fucking internet for those big words and fit them all together in those references. But you're not selling it like Stanhope.

You'll never sell it like Stanhope will take you 12 fucking years. to even get the balls at Stanhope at the 10-year mark. So it's a real, and they'll find out. I've been in the back, listen, I used to host the second part of the comedy store, and Mike Faber will be my witness. And the early part, I'd get there at 9 to secure my cocaine from the doorman and to watch the 9 o'clock guys, and to watch the showcases. Every other week had it in those days.

This is 15 years ago when Kennison was still relevant. Remember, the generation that's listening to this podcast, I'm assuming most of them are Dane Cook guys like you. Yeah. That's a lot of them. And that's the way it is. That's who they, that was their guy. I put on HBO one night and I saw Kenson talking about, you know, why are you bringing those people fucking food? Yeah.

There's nothing but sand out there. And I'm falling off my chair. You follow me? I'm fucking howling. So, but everybody's different. So now. But, dude, that's better come back around, man. We need to bring that back around.

Rockstar comics, too. We don't have any anymore. Yes, we do. They're coming. Yes, we do. Yes, we do. They just don't act. Comedy's a different thing now.

You know, everybody in their mother wants to be a comic now. It's the podcasting, all this comic thing in their face, everybody's going for it now. And I applaud you. I just don't want you to think because you have a podcast and you look big words up on the internet that it's all going to work out for you.

the common denominator Mike Fabin has the reason why he's sitting at this table is because we all worked. We knew that without the work, it was not going to fucking happen. And once you established, they're like, yeah, I know, the club,

the guy said you're the naturally gifted comm. I know, I know, I know, I know. Wait till they put you on the lineup at death by mistake of the improv or at the laugh factory. Wait till they put Godfrey in front of you at the laugh factory and you fucking fall apart at the seams. I've seen it a thousand times.

You've been doing comedy for four years. I've been doing comedy for 24. I've seen it from all fucking angles. I've seen people come out here just one San Francisco get thrown up at the fucking comedy store in between six of those guerrillas and walk out of there like one of those people on AMC. Walked right into traffic. Like the walking dead.

Yeah. Because they thought that they were going to get giggles and laughs all the fucking time. This motherfucker shut. There's a thing called reality. That's There's times I go to that comedy store In the original room and I get spanked Man They spanking

It's a humbling room And you know what We love it because it's the challenge Man it's those rooms that give us the hardest time You know you thrive I sat here with Mick Benton Court Explained a thing about the story of the store What the store does for you

It's like going to John Jog Jiu Jitsu If you sign off the John Jock Jiu Jitza He takes the money right of the check To win an hour's a fucking money You're committed already So you look at yourself and go Okay I'm gonna go learn Jiu Jitsu You look at the schedule and go, I can make that class, that class, that class, that class.

You go to four jih Tutsu a week. The people that you're rolling against up there are fucking all John Jock Savages. They put their forearms under your throat. They throw you up in the air, you know. So now, guess what happens to you? After 30 days of doing that, your game rises. That's the comedy store. I don't care of what anybody tells you.

That's the comedy store. The people you follow at the store. Are fucking amazing. Can you see why there's a lot of comic store? you don't like it. Absolutely. I love it. Absolutely.

It's people who don't want to get choked up. People who don't want, you know what? It's humbling, dude. I go do the plastic surgery and remove my fat. I'd rather not exercise. Okay. Then go somewhere else and do it because you're never really going to get it. You're never going to see.

Every time I go to that comedy store now, I sit there in the back. I hope there's a chair. And you sit in the back and guess what I learn every fucking time. Last night I watched Sebastian take that room from one direction to another to another. I was howling telling his mother she had bad breath and it smells like a tongue died.

I fucking lost it last night in the back. Rick Ingram fucking ripped that room apart. Really? Ricky Ingram took that room apart. Then Ron White went up there. This is my gym. This is my gym, okay? So do you guys on this?

This is like if I'm a quarterback and my gym is Brady, Rufflin Burger, and C4-2, whatever the fucking name is, whatever. I don't know who you're trying to. I don't know. The fucking guy. that changed his name to number.

RG3. This is your fucking gym. That was a good one. This is your fucking gym favor. You know, anytime, listen. Those lineups are insane. Can you imagine? What would you do if you got drafted by New England

and you were a quarterback? Okay. You're a little bit surprised. Right? Let me just ask you. No, no, no, no. Let's talk this hypothetically. What would happen if six years ago,

you got drafted by New England and you're the number two quarterback? Guess what? You're getting the education of a life. I'm not sure you don't say boo. You don't say boo because it don't matter. They're going to do one of these one day to you. And you've been playing behind the king watching him, his little secrets, his drops,

how he fakes motherfuckers, how he doesn't give a fuck, how he deflates the balls. You learn everything. Every little thing. Number two. You win. You win. You win. Yeah, but his backups have been okay.

Matt Castle's been the best one. so far another of them have really done that well. Yeah, but somebody's not come along. Matt Castle got a big contract because he was in that system and got 10 wins. Oh, no, he had a couple good years. But he had like a one good year here, like 11 and 5, and then he went to Kansas City and was okay. Yeah.

But he hasn't been great. I was actually kind of hoping his suspension got held up because I don't want him healthy in the playoffs. Who, Brady? Yeah, I don't care. They'll be all right, dude. I hope so. When we lock a playoff spot and we get home field throughout it, then Pelotick wants them.

They don't have it down. We were beating the Jaguars by like 40 points, and they had him still in there. Yeah. Well, this is the fucking New England Sports Report, Cox's up a little break. If I want to hear New England sports, I listen to my man Tommy Hines and shit. But those years, dude, on the road, that Stanhope, he was one of those guys who went on the road, did those triple runs, all those hell gags. That's how he became Stanhope. Exactly.

Stanhope became Stanhope in those fucking triple runs. For years, he disappeared because nobody was going to give him love. And he adjusted his comedy to work in those wounds. They couldn't either stand him or they would ask for him to come back a week later. Do you know that? That's how you knew he was going to be something special. In 19, first time I met Stanhope was 91. Then in 92, he came back to Boulder, and by that time he had gotten evening at the improv.

Then I didn't see. see him. But I heard his name. So by the time I got to Seattle, I go, where the fuck is Doug Stanton? He just won San Francisco. They broke into his car the night of and he went to a second-hand

store and bought a suit and went up on stage and spanked everybody. First time, like a filthy comic went up there and spanked everybody. The San Francisco Harold wrote a story about him. He moved right to L.A. HBO gave a developmental deal for nothing.

What do you mean? Like nothing. Oh, like nothing? Like 30 grand. He was worth 10 million, you know, at that time. They didn't even know who they had. Right. They just wanted to take him off the fucking market, you know?

Yeah. That's really weird. And all of a sudden, he's this fucking... I saw him in Seattle in 95, and guys, I never saw nothing like that in my life. It's Eddie Murphy delirious. It's Dice, his special. It's...

I just saw something live. that I wanted to quit because I never thought I could be that. I said, this is never going to happen. I should tap out right now. And you did, dude. I remember when me, you and Rogan were in, like, West Jersey, was it New Jersey? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, rascals. Dude, you split that room in half.

I was the MC. I almost couldn't follow you as an MC to bring up Joe Rogan. You crushed that place, dude. You remember that? That was like 98-99. Yeah, I think it was. And, dude, you cream that room. You have that too.

You have that too. When you kill so hard, when you get out of stage, people fall you out of the room. I love. Only certain people have that. I love going on stage and committing and taking them for a fucking ride. Yeah. They look at you and know, they go, we don't know what the fuck just happened. Yeah, we don't know leveled.

What the fuck just happened? I love that. I love those 18-minute spots when you're ready to have it calculated. And they commit to you too. Oh, my God. They're in. What's next? Oh, my.

And especially at the OR. Like the OR has that effect. The killing in the OR is probably the best feeling you can have as a comedian. Especially after having fallen someone pretty good as well. The best. You're walking out of the OR when you're done with that set, you're like, oh, it felt so good. Last night as I was walking out of the end of the car,

I thought hit me as I was crossing sunset. I'd like to know how many sets I've done in there. Got to be at least a thousand or more, right? right i just like to know i know all the corners in there you know all the edges you're in the pocket a few yeah you take them in the pocket that could probably even be doable don't they keep the the show sheets i don't think they like since it would take forever sheets and stuff since 98 2 10 5 17 years of spots i know they have them somewhere but i'm not going upstairs and counting streets i would say close to a thousand if not more since 98 she's given me when she was

there. I got some fucking love from her to about 2003. Then Tommy came in and I disappeared in 2007. And then since I've been back they give me three a week. If I call I don't call for coast to coast no more. I'm too old. I can't

be out six nights of fucking week. I have a heart attack guys. By the fourth night I can't fucking wake up the next morning. So I could be out there two nights, three nights, Thursday and Saturday. That's good enough for me. I don't need to be out there Friday night banging out with young kids. I'm no fucking man.

No, just get it done. We have to feed our lust for just doing stand-up, man. I cannot not do it in a week. And if I tell you something for a minute, Lee, I hope you guys don't take this the wrong way, even the public. What do you mean? On the road?

No, I want to do the road. And when I'm in L.A., I just want to do this one. I don't know what happened to me a couple weeks ago. I went to a gig about three months ago and on the way home, I said, no offense. I'm going to end this fucking career at this store.

I'm not going anywhere else no more. I went to the factory last night for Don Marrera. But besides that, I don't want to go anywhere else now. Dude, it's home, dude. It's really home. It's really home. Welcome back, by the way. I never just been able to say that.

It's great. The people are coming to the shows. You know the people. It's good up there right now, bro. It's, I just don't want to go in it. And people hit me up on Twitter and say, come Facebook. I get fucking hit every day. Can you come to Santa Monica? on the 3rd of October, listen,

you're in no fucking danger. You're in no danger. I hear Santa Monica, what I see is the 405. That's all I see now. Hey, you want to go? 405, that's all you see. I see the 405 in my fucking nightmares.

Done. Like, I don't want to go to the floor. I don't care. I don't want to see no audiences. Oh, it's a cool room. There's a guy with a piano. They serve cheesecake. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck.

I want to just go to the store. You know, I loved the factory in Long Beach. I had to stop. That's a good club. And it was taking the blood out of me. That 7-10 run. It was cute at first. Then you're going down,

I got to follow what English do with a base. I don't need the aggravation. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I got to dig for D jokes. I don't want to fucking, you know what I'm saying? I don't want to throw eight jokes in these people. Nobody's paid for a ticket. They're all sitting there.

Like, we thought this was Orange County. They don't fucking know those people on Long Beach. They think Snoop dogs are coming. They're out in the fucking back, eating, Chicken wings the staff. They don't know what the fuck's going on. You hear bottles banging. Nah, you know what?

I'm too old to be driving around fucking town. I'll do the live factory and make a hookah right. The ice house. The ice house. That's a classy job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that place. I got my little love going with them.

They're fucking very decent people. We don't even eat. No. We never even eat nothing. We eat the cheese, the free cheese. One time you made me get a chicken sandwich because it was so high. But you sent the manager in without you to like hey do you want something

I was like I was too high and I got nervous and then when I said no you came me like get a fucking chicken sandwich because I suppose I had ribbon or something you're the best he's a savage he's eating fucking 400 milligrams an hour day I got him on he's in training

case the Russians capture him you know how those Russian Jews are they don't fuck around they don't mess around ISIS ISIS Jews So now when you started comedy you were also Sheffin. I remember you were in Melrose. Yeah, worked a couple places. I mean, anybody who...

I loved it, Joe. He still do. I know you do. And I do that comedy cooking thing. Yeah, it's still... Now, what you... Now, I remember you doing all this stuff. Then you comedy started evolving. People started talking to you.

You went on the road. You did comedy on the tour. It worked out... Oh, dude, like, I think it was 42 states, man. Who did you do it with? Oh, just over time. You did it by yourself. You went to different clubs

and interviewed different people. Dude, loved it. I loved it. Love the lifestyle. I love sometimes not knowing where you're going to be. Now, you didn't do it with Wesley, did you? I did one with Wesley. Oh, didn't he do the other one where he did it with his

buddies and they went across time? Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, I didn't do it with Wesleyan, but no, I just, I loved it. I didn't care where I was doing the adventure of going to another state, another city, dude, it was over, man. I had to be there, the different girls in the different cities. It was killing me, dude. I'm laughing because

one night, I'm fucking, uh, you're like the second guy too much he's just laughing in your face. One night I go to one night I go to

Fabens. They got a victim over there who was sucking dick and doing this whole fucking dick I get in the car I go get Ricky Cruz

I go Ricky's with a chick I go Ricky get in the fucking car he's the chick there we go back we go upstairs the chick is banging she was at the store

the night before sucking dicks and fucking hilarious she sucked my Young's dick. On stage. This chick was hot on stage. Or she sucked Rogan's dick and made out with Mike Young.

Fucking hilarious. And back of the blues. She's at the store on a Monday night. And these guys take her back to Flamberman. You had this weird roommate then, that white uptight dude. And you had Ron Lewis. You had two roommates. You had like a skinny white dude that was only staying with you for a month, kind of nerdy.

How are you doing? Yeah, how are you doing? What was that about, remember? I had everyone staying at my place. This is a Ricka lived on your couch. Remember the day Ricka brought his baby over and had a bag around him with duct tape as a diaper? On my bed with no underwear on, bouncing around on my sheets and him going like, what? What's the problem?

I don't know, man. How about, and then the socks off on my, and its feet on my table. Three days, no shower. You can throw the socks against a wall. It would stick like pasta. crawling down the wall. Mike Ricker was one of the funniest motherfuckers that lived out here. Mad.

He didn't off the stage. Do you know he used to walk to the county store from where? Tell him what he used to walk to the county store. Like Glendale. Dog, listen to him. When did he leave? Like yesterday? No.

6 a.m. It was like a full work day. He would leave with no cigarettes and a dollar. He was going through two sneakers a week, I believe. He was going from fucking... He didn't have the money. Where's he getting sneakers? He would sleep by his sister-in-law's house on the fucking floor.

He would walk from the valley to fucking the comedy store. And sit there from 4 o'clock drinking sodas, eat nice cubes, and bumming cigarettes. Until somebody came and gave him $10. Then he'd go on stage, rip it up. He'd get a butt. But when he was on fire, he was a writer for a long time. He was funny, man. He's a funny fucking dude, man.

He just got bitter and ran out of it. of, you know, money-making schemes. He got mad at dice. He had something. Now, here's the other side of the token guys, okay? You're a comedian. You're bump into Ron White. Ron Wright really likes you.

You know, he really fucking likes you. He says to you, you know what, man? Can you do this gig with me in Tuscaloosa? You go, fuck yeah. He pays you some good fucking money. He flies you in. You've been treated like you've never been treated before. Now he starts taking you out of the fucking road. Okay? I'll tell you what happens.

There's guys that go on the road with big guys. They're selling out stadium tours. They make a nice living. They keep to themselves. They don't interfere. They don't fuck around and they go back to their rooms. And it keeps the headliner thinking, what's this guy doing? Mike Ricker went out with Dice.

And this is the other side of this. After a while, he just got dependent on Dice. And Dice found out. Dice saw that. Do you follow me? What do you mean, dependent? I want you to do your thing. Don't worry about what I'm doing. When you do with me, you're taking care of.

But I also want you to do your thing. I don't want you to call me and say, yo, when are we going out again? I have to pay my rent. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? Right. Almost ungrateful. Are you following me?

Like, when are we going out again? Like, no. It's amen. I want to call Lee from time to time and go, hey, Lee, you want to do that thing for me on Tuesday? I can't. I'm doing something with Fabin. Okay.

Wow. For a minute, I'll be hurt. If I'm a fucking comic and I'm real, for a minute, I'll be hurt, but then I'll go, you know what? Good for him. He's getting work on his own. Now I know this motherfucker is for real.

So every six jobs I give you, when I give you the seventh one, I can't do that one. I'm doing a job with fucking Damon Wayans that week. You know what? I'm going to be mad at you for two minutes, but I'm going to respect that because you're not on my dick.

You're not on the fucking hoeing with me all day going. When is my next gig? I'm running out of diapers for my kid. And that's what happened. So one day the guy goes, I don't need this aggravation in my fucking life. And he lost his mind. He couldn't adjust to that. Like, how can he got bitter about it?

You know, it's supposed to roll off your shoulder. This is common. You get upset for six or seven days, but you're a comment. You got to go back out there. Now, you want to start a beef? It's not like Tupac and Biggie that they were on each coast to coast. Guess what? We bump into each other on the road.

You know how uncomfortable it is to have a beef and get on a plane with another comic, give him to your life. So just, okay, he fired me. I move on. I go get other fucking work.

Everything happens for a reason. Ray Romano got fired from fucking news radio. They hired Joe Rogan. Where's Ray Romano today? He's got 19 fucking shows. He's playing golf. You understand me?

It's what you make of the situation. And that's what happened to Rick. A funny fucking guy. He moved back. He had two more kids. You know, he had a child that had an autism. You know, you know,

and then he was, You know, it costs a lot of money to have a challenge. This is a city where... It's brutal, man. You have to wake up every morning and make a hustle. Mike, am I fucking bullshit? Every day. Every day you got to wake up with the same enthusiasm you had 10 years ago.

Who does that type of shit? Who does that? Most people get up in the morning, go somewhere. They tell them what to do. They get on a fucking high law or they build. Who gets up every morning? And every day, we have to entertain. I got a meeting at two.

I got to be nice to this jerk off. He has to give me a deal. You know, it's fucking tough. One day you wake up and most people go, you know what, I don't need this no more. My brother has a restaurant. I can't take another no. Right.

But they weren't in for the long haul. They weren't in for the hall, long haul. Let me give you an example. Mike Fabman books a Showtime show. Whitney Cummings produces a Showtime show. At the same time, you've always loved cooking. You went to Idaho, you hooked up with some guy, and you created some type of show, camping.

Do you not? Mac and the Big Cheese. It's an ultimate outdoor cooking show. We tour all over the place, dude. It's been a ride, man. A real ride. And we basically just do it as like duo comedy, which I never thought I'd ever do.

But I have great chemistry with this kid. It's like Abbott and Costello. He's just a short little chubby guy, hilarious, lovable. Loves for me to like shit on him. He gives it back to me, and we both do a bunch of crowd work. And then we have a show where we're showing recipes, how to make recipes and serve them after the show. It's like, you know, you're learning, you're having some comedy,

and then you're going to try the food afterwards. It's amazing, Joey. Yeah. Now, how long have you been doing this? Ten years. Ten years? Ten years. Because you've always been touring comedy and headlining and doing your thing.

I do both. But at the same time, sometimes you go, I got a cooking show. Now, you do cooking conventions. I do all types of things. Like an RV show at the beginning of the year. You do sometimes convention centers. I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up, guys. I got to tell you, whatever was in those fucking edible is fucking edibles fucked me up for that.

It's perfect, though. It was just mellow. And that reefer wasn't bad either. He just took like four times. Did you see that piece of ash payment? No, this is... Look at this fucking... Oh, my good God. That come from Iraq? Yeah. It looks like a little piece of Iraq. Oh, my God. The guy that gave me this is a Russian. That's like five foot two.

he's missing two of the little fingers he's tattered up everywhere and every time I see this guy he gives me a fucking present over at one of the weed stores he's a real fucking trooper this guy Oh my god that's... What does that do to you?

This is the first time I saw it so I'm in the same position as you, motherfucker because we're both virgins to the cause This will be on fire by tonight So what do you've been up to dude? I haven't talked to you in a while Faves I got a baby

I got a wife Crazy, man. I gotta fucking pick the baby up. You know, that's a part of my life. I got to write comedy. I got to do a podcast. And then on Thursdays, I got on a fucking plane. I got to try to stay healthy because who do you think?

You know, you got to chase his fucking child. That's why you asked what we did this morning. We went to Jiu-Jitsu. I went to Jiu-Bels. I've been doing the kettlebells for about a year and a half. You know, kettlebells. Those Russians, Brody Stevens, Rogan, all those guys do it. But it's good for Jiu-Sit-Sut.

It's good to burn fat. Like, if you do it, high amount and it's good to burn fucking fat and get strong. Instead, you got to go to the gym and fucking lift weights. I do that too. When I'm on the road, I go to the hotel and fucking lift some weights. I'll do anything. I go for walks.

I'm just trying to stay alive. That's it, man. I got to put blood in that fucking, those cocaine spots in my heart, you know what I'm saying, favorite? What's your favorite cities now to play? What do you like to know? If I go there twice, I like your city, man. I like the setup. I like the setup in Boston.

Oh, yeah? I love the setup in Boston. I love to set up in Boston. I love to set up in fucking Cleveland. I love the setup in Columbus, Ohio. I heard St. Louis is getting a new club. Yeah, February 3rd through the 7th or something. I love to go see Philoooooth through the 7th.

I'm in St. Louis, Helium. Oh, great. And, you know, comedy's on an all-time boom. Comedy's on an all-time boom. Now, Punchline is opening up in Philadelphia. Really? To really add fucking flame, because helium's on fire. Helium's the boy to fucking follow.

That'll give helium bubble. Philadelphia, North Carolina, St. Louis, and Portland, Oregon. I'll be in Portland, November. I like that club in Portland, Oregon. And you know where they're going to start popping up soon again in Texas, like those big old school clubs that we used to go to? I guarantee somebody's event you're going to open one up. But the Houston last time.

Well, what happened in that scene? It was badass, and that was done, huh? Done. It's done. There's three survivors. Renee Garcia, Ralphie, and Lana Turner. Everybody else is in Houston doing comedy.

I think they just shot a special for Netflix. I don't know if they sold it. I don't know what... Who did? Wesleyan and those guys. Okay, cool. Ali Saddick is down there? Ali Saddick is fucking it up down there.

Ali Saddeka's making things happen. But that's a new scene. He's a young, young guy compared to the dudes we knew down there that came and went. Do you think comedy's still in an upswing then? Comedy is fucking in a major upswing. It's coming fast. It's in a major up swing.

I mean, it is, it's taking cities over, people are out, people, everybody has a festival, everybody's, you know, doing something, everybody's got to borrow a book again. It is in a major fucking league. Those lineups in the comedy store insane.

You cannot be insulting. I was telling Mick this the other, I go, Mick, you have no idea. Jesus. You have no fucking idea what goes up down there. And even like four guys that you look of Steve Byrne, You know, Steve, Sebastian, Bobby Lee, and Rick Ingraham,

that's still a lineup from hell. That's an hour in front of you throwing fucking bangers and shit. Have you ever, I mean, I know you, like, not working every weekend because you need to have to have half time for everything, but since it's such an upswing, have you thought about going out just like six months straight, just to make all that money? No way. Dude, I was just away for a month.

It was over. I can't do it. I can't do it. Dude, wife, kids. I can't do it. It's like. I can't do it. You get an awful weekends.

It's not even with the money. It's not. It's not about the money. It's what I can do and what I can't do. A week and a half is the top, two cities, bang, bang out. Not even. Oh, yeah, I wanted to. Listen, I went to Vegas on a Friday morning.

I did a show a night, 7.30 to 9. Three nights in a row. I used to do those standing on my fucking head, okay? All right? And then I came home on a Monday morning. I think we did a podcast. Yep. You know, Jitsu.

the wife, the baby. Tuesday, we did something, didn't even do a podcast, and I was back on a plane Wednesday. I got to be honest with you guys, I didn't kill myself in New York. I went to two jit-to classes. I walked around.

I saw my friends. I went to the cemetery. I put flowers from my mother. The usual shit. But it's not like I was out to four in the morning, out party, and I got my hours asleep, bro. I clocked those hours, you know, because I know, I know the other side of the coin.

It's not a half hour set no more family. It's 45 minutes to an hour in front of people paying $24. There's no room forever. I don't have time to hang out and chitter-chatter before the show. We got nothing. I don't even want to talk to nobody before this show. I got to think, go home. You say a prayer before you get on the fucking car.

God bring me back here on Sunday. That's all I want from you. Who knows what the fuck did happen. But besides that, I don't have it. If it's a fucking big-time movie in this shooting in Atlanta for six weeks, I'm still coming home on the weekend. I don't give a fuck about the six-hour flight

just to see them, hug them, whatever, or I'll fly them back there with me. And I didn't even mean you'd be out on the road for like you could just go do every weekend. You could still do that. Listen, this is a third weekend right now. And you and I and favor, I'm doing it because I committed to it.

I want to go to Toledo. It's going to be a great fucking show. It's a great fucking town. I'm going to party. It's Ohio. But I'll never book three weeks in a row again. Is it the funny, but what is it? It's a funny bone.

Yeah, I did that with Russell Peters. It's a great fucking room, bro. I got no beef. It is a good room. What my beef is that I can't do it no more like I used to. There's no way. I did two sets last night, tremendous. The sets were tremendous.

But for me to go out Tuesday through sadly, even when I'm in town, I can't do it. I'm walking around. It's 6.30, bro. You do two good sets. You walk in your door at 11.30, quarter of 12, unless you're fucking, you know, an hour. to fall asleep, that's one. By the fourth night, I got 16 hours in I'm trying to do shit. You know, you don't

sleep, you don't lose weight. You don't sleep, your blood pressure's walking around. I yell at somebody I got a fucking stroke. I can't do it no more. I did it for 30 years. I walked on eggshells. So I know what I could do and I know what I fucking can't do. When we were doing the podcast, two days a week at six, and then

I was leaving Thursday morning at six. And then Friday morning radio and then Sunday at six to come back. I was gaining weight, drinking water, and I couldn't figure out what the fuck I was doing. I was tired, listen to the podcast from those stretches. There's a stretch I went out for six weeks in a row.

Eight weeks in a row. Ridiculous. Eight weeks in a row. Ridiculous. Leaving on fucking Thursday, Wednesday night. Ridiculous. You cannot take care of all this shit. You've got to take care of.

Dude, especially your father and a husband and comedy and podcast. I mean, please. I get up in the morning and a half. It's not a moment. I have an hour and a half by myself. And then I have an hour with them to walk To go to school, get dressed, talk to her, watch a cartoon, daddy this Talk to her

Yeah, you gotta talk to him, you see. Talk to it. You know, you gotta talk to them for a few minutes And see what the fuck's on their mind. Then you gotta walk them to school, and then I gotta walk back, And then, you know, I get my fucking day started. How do you like being a dad? I love it.

You're good at it too, aren't you? Yeah, I love it. You're such a good character, dad, you know? I love it. I don't fuck her right. She probably looks at you like, oh my God. I walk her up at 530. Yeah.

My favorite part of your periscopes are hearing her, like, screaming for you in the living room. Yeah, she don't fuck around him, though. She don't even like me on the bathtub. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's my buddy. You know, I could see it already. There's going to be problems. I can see it already.

She's strong, you know, she's a strong little girl and shit. You got to go back and forth when it breaks my heart. But it's tough. And, you know, it's a different. It's a different emotion having a child. Let me tell you what fucking is the first thing, that 60% of shit don't matter no more. Like, I don't even know what the fuck you're talking. I'm not going.

Are you fucking serious? Yeah, you're done. I don't care what the fuck you do. I don't care. Because you don't have it. You're thinking it's in front of you. Like I said, it's a different, I love being a feature act. Oh, it's the best.

I was a professional feature. 20 and out. Yeah, 20 and 30. And you're getting your dick sucked by the bathroom. You know, when you're a feature, oh yeah, yeah, when you're a feature, by the time you're featured up, by the time you do your dirty,

everybody's a little buzzed. All you got to do is make believe you're making a phone call by the bathroom. The victims come to you like fucking Zomboville. Next thing you know, you're in the woman's bathroom, meeting somebody's asshole. It's tremendous.

You don't know who's in it is. Oh, my God. You got a Coke rock in your pocket, and you're out of there. Rogan's looking for me. What are you going? I don't know. All I saw is a cloud of smoke.

I loved it. I loved all. to go to Miami just to feature for three, four weeks. Because you're working on a killer 25 minutes. You're working on 25 minutes. Deadly, you're not losing anything. All you got to do is take 10 off that when you come back to the store. It's crazy.

It's fucking easy. But headlining guys is a guy. Four shows, Thursday, the one, you know, pictures afterward. Fuck that shit. It's work. Somebody already contacted me from me, Ari and whatever to go do the South. But they were already talking about, you got to leave Tuesday afternoon like that. Before this even conversation moves, I'm not going to go nowhere until Thursday morning.

But you got, listen. Yeah. Listen. Everybody knows. Everybody knew this up front on this conference call. That before this conference call even happened. Yeah, but you're going to miss that on this morning. Listen, Thursday morning.

And I come back Sunday first fucking thing in the morning. Yeah. And I'm not gonna, you know, everybody's got to tweet, everybody's got to... Yes or no? Yeah, no, no, no. At least I get. Not in a million fucking years.

That last week took me two days to recover from those 10. I was only home for two days and 10. I'm not young, and I can't even imagine if I was doing blow and drank and going into the stating and a slice of pizza

to four in the morning. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. I burn out. No, no, no, those days are over with. And you have to, listen.

And some people are saying, well, Joey, what the fuck? You're a pussy. No, you have to know your limitations. Well, what do you think about already taking, like, the whole next year off of Torrent? Did he talk about it on the podcast? He mentioned it, yeah. Okay. Ask him why.

He said he wanted to, like, get better. Because he said it was a year of hell for him. You get lost, and a lot of people don't like getting lost. You know, when you get into comedy, I can't wait to fucking be on the road every week and be out there party. Guys, it's great for a few weeks. And then you come home and you're like, I don't know about that. And now you start getting selective.

I'm not going there no more. I used to pick places by Coke. In the beginning, I picked places by the best Coke. Miami and Texas. Who's got better Coke than those two motherfuckers? I'm there. What do you need? Whatever price it was.

But then when I stopped doing Coke, now I became a comic. Now I want to go to these cities to do fucking comedy the right way For a long time I cut myself short man You know I had these fucking addictions And he's on the road I'm fucking partying man It was a party out there dude I used to headline in Houston

At sellout With Pete When Pete took over the last hour Pete would put me in there four weeks a year So I would have He would headline me for real Spateman went down with me There's no Pete went down there

It was a great you know It was a party man This is part And we... That's when Houston was at its best, man. Guys, I used to go down there and gain 15 pounds, my blood pressure. Listen, this is an episode of Cold Case. Watch that episode with me in a disco inferno.

Look at my stomach. Go ahead, Lee, find it. Disco Inferno. Joey Diaz. It's got to be on YouTube. What happened? I used to go to Houston in those days from the 19th to the 30th. I used to sleep.

and Pete's guest house Nice Around the corner from Beavers You know Hello Hello Eggs with French fries Listen when you eat two eggs

Four pieces of toast And a whole thing A fucking fries Every not whole fries cut up But fucking But fucking fries You know steak fries You will get

So I would go down there For ten fucking days guys And just eat Three meals out Who eats At home? when you're in a hotel. And then you eat the apples at the hotel

or whatever the fuck they got in the front of it on? Watch this. Look at the size of my stomach. That's the biggest I got. That's the biggest I ever got. What is this? All right, this is a disco that they burned. The funny thing is I go up against the little juke.

Fast forward? Fast forward. This is the beginning, correct? Yeah, this is the beginning. Keep going. Keep going. Fast forward with this league. Okay, this is a fucking badass episode.

So keep going right there. Stop it right there. Okay, let's see what happens. They put a young me and then they put me. There's Lee Syatt. There's a little Jewish kid. See, because the father was Jewish and this kid was Jewish, but the chick was white.

So the father didn't want him to be with a white chick, so he killed the chick and the son, and he burnt down the disco. Jewish Lightning. Disco Inferno, what the fuck? Oh, classic. This is classic shit right here. Oh, my God.

Cheese, Louise. Oh, this is fucked up, Lee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to keep going. What is this? This is disco in front. What's going on, Lee? You're breaking shit. Lee, what happened? I fast forward this a little bit.

This isn't that long of a clip. It's like a two-minute clip. What the fuck is this? They added something. Oh, this is the end. You're supposed to go to the fucking middle. Unbelievable. Go to the beginning.

This is only two minute a clip. Let me find it. Oh, Jesus Christ, Almighty. You got to see this boxing thing we did. You would have loved it, man. Me and Rusty did the punchline where the comedians fight each other in the boxing ring for like cash prizes and it open up

for Russell Peters on the road. Dude, you've got to see it. It's hilarious. That is crazy, though. All those guys going on it. You got poor open micers to fucking... Fighting for the opportunity of a lifetime guy. See, that's crazy. It has Joey Diaz rant about it, so maybe it's Joey Diaz's cold case.

Just try that real quick. Because somebody had it up. Yeah, see? Somebody had it up somewhere. No, no, all right. Fuck it. Who knows? Who gives a fuck?

Now, you've done a lot of things. You did the road thing. You booked some fucking commercials. You had that. But the thing you do the most now was this cooking show, which is pretty fucking interesting. You just stuck it out. I know you made a little fucking screen. The book's bestseller.

Get all types of DVDs. Store of merchandise. We tour pretty regularly. And city to city, good following. Always get on the local affiliates. We're on some national fronts. True TV and travel channel and WGN and NPR. And like, dude, this is this stacked up.

Things of, you know, I love doing it, dude. It's so fun. People who have barbecues in L.A. always go, oh, by the way, Fabeman's going to travel. I'll kill it. And cook. That's like the draw. That's like the fucking draw.

Nobody can touch his meat. His chicken. No can touch my meat. Come on. Nobody. Nobody. Hey, listen, so we'll tell them the story about the dirty chicks. So we go back and she's banging the uptight white dude.

Now Ron Lewis is giving her a stabbing. Something happens. We have a little chit-chammy go, you want to make a fucking video? So we make a video for a sucking my fucking horn. And all of a sudden after I come, she sniffs my ball. and she goes, your ball stink. Tremendous. Have you started this story earlier tonight?

It was like reality television had its best. That's best. We had a wig on or something. She had a wig. No, she had glasses. She came on the glass. How fucking crazy is that? Oh, my God.

There's some crazy shit in the comedy. It's so funny. Remember you were saying you going to call Ralphie Mae? Get him over here. There's like a line of them. Get Ralphie over here. You see him coming up the stubs? And then we hung on.

in 9-11, the day 9-11, the towers went down. We all went over to your house and smoked reefer and fucking sat around. Dude. Long fucking timely, Syed. As a comic, it's like pivotal, too. You're like, when do you, do you joke? Never do you joke, you know?

It was a strange time, but the country needed comedy then, for sure. It didn't go away for too long. I was a nice little pack we used to hang out with over your house in the afternoon. It's great, dude. I miss those times, dude. That's a good laughs back there, dude. Great laughs in the backyard with Manny, the plumber.

The best is like to do your backyard. Oh, God. And you ran over it. That's what you. I got you the gig. All the way up there. You rented me to car. Five hour gate drive to some girl up there.

You were friends with who at a bar. And you rented me the car, and I can. It was a five-hour drive back. Who wants to stop on the road and take a shit? So I pulled up the famous backyard. I don't know who was in your house living there. I couldn't knock them to do. I had paper towels.

I got them from somewhere. Probably from the restaurant that you just performed. And I just took a shit in the little thing. That's an understatement. And I wiped my ass and I put the paper in the garbage can. I was a piece of shit on. I couldn't even see it. It was in my backyard on the ground.

I left this shit. I had like maggots on it when I came home three weeks later when I came home from the road. No, no, no, no. I left this. Listen to what happened. I left the shit in the garbage on the grass, but I threw the paper in the garbage. can't. And I go home, and he

calls me, he goes, something with the rental car. Can you give me a ride to pick it up or drop it off? So when I get over there, out of the blue, he goes, This is fucked up. Did you kill somebody took a shit in my backyard? Look at the size of that thing. I forgot all about it. I'm hot

on my ass off for 10 minutes. And finally, I told him it was me who took the shit in your backyard. Dude, how about that movie we shot in the backyard with that RV that the kid had from USC left it in their back remember the mannequins the price of love dude it was hysterical do you remember that

this kid who went to the room from USC had this RV he bought randomly and he left it in my backyard because it was huge and we decided to make a movie about two guys who fall in love with mannequins and uh and joey played the guy in a poker game where I won his his doll from him and I took her and dragged her out of the place. Do you remember that? Is that on your IMDB job?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look up the price of love. Play that. It's so, dude, you're great. I lost Jenny to you. It's just coming back to me now. That's right. We used to shoot some crazy shit back then.

This is the journey, people. This is the journey. You just fucking do things. It's not like we knew where they're going to be Academy Award winners and that. We just took a chance. Even then, what's the matter with you? flowing away. What are you holding on to your fucking

beer floor? Like really high? You're really high. You're always fucking really high. Giggles all that. Let me give some shoutouts. My man, Stephen Pazam, I am Customs. Look at him. Stephen Pazan. Iam Customs.com. He sent me some fucking

beautiful insoles. I put him in my other Adidas. Tremendous Bobby Sharon and Crystal. Lawn Rosencour. You know I love you. John Wolf. G. Yel Fee. Michael. Ladisaw, Cleo, Uki-Spooky, Lady J,

Joey Rookland, and Mark Leibus. I love you, cocksuckers. You understand me? What do you get on about, Lee? What do you got going on? I just like that you made it rhyme. Who? You. Made who rhyme? My man, Al. Pazam.

You know, I don't fuck around. Stephen Pazam. He sent me some beautiful fucking insults. One red, one blue, so you know where they go? Into your Adidas? He goes, I want you to wear them on stage. I put him in my new Adidas last night and bust them up on stage. I'm not going to put them

on my busted up. I'm not going to put them on my busted up. I noticed that when I was looking at the special. You have white shoes. Fuck you. Fuck yeah. Faberman, can you believe you're still in L.A.? Is there times that

you look around and you're depositing checks and you're like, you can't believe you're still in Los Angeles. I'm making a living. I love it, man. It took me a couple days to get back into the groove here

since I was gone for about a month. But now that I'm back, I'm like, dude, you I saw Luis Guzman today. With lunch. Had Lala's on Maros. And it's just cool, man. It looks so like down the earth and cool. And I went up, dude, I love what you're doing.

You know, I love your stuff. And he's like, thanks, man. And boom. But it was just cool to be at lunch and bump into him. Very cool city. You know? Dude, I think L.A. right now is shining. It's like the comedy scenes good.

A couple good movies coming out. I think things are in the upswing. We're ready to get bombed. Yeah. Ready for a good earthquake. It's earthquake weather. More Rockstar comics, dude. It's fucking one.

You know, we've got to come around again, dude. A podcast and positives and then, bam. You really miss those days at Rockstar comics going on to arenas and stuff like that, like Dane Cook. Dane Cook was the, no, Louis C.K. is the real one. Yeah, no, Kevin Hart.

Gabriel. Yeah, there's a lot of them. Yeah, there's a lot of them, man. Yeah, there's a lot of them, man. But I mean, like the down and dirty ones, like Eddie Murphy and Pryor and Dice and Kinnis and. You know, there hasn't been a lot of, like, filthy comedy getting attention. Oh.

You know, Stan Hope, I guess. You're on the Uprice. Well, the problem is they categorize it, right? They categorize it, and that's the wrong thing, because a lot of people aren't really that filthy. Maybe they just off, off, what's the word I'm looking for? Off, kilted? Yeah.

Hilted? Maybe they're off kilter. Maybe they just don't go off talking about eating pussy and stabbing your wife's pussy with a fucking bayonet. I'll stab your wife's. wife and the snatch with bay and that you know and that's what we're saying that you got those you got those stand hope types that

when they're younger in their first two years of comedy you can't sit through that because they don't have the spine to say that material with confidence they say a very I'll crush the head of an unborn fetus and some people in the room giggle in the back ha ha ha ha

and you know I'll kick your wife in the pussy or whatever the fuck they talk about it is it is That's not funny. Well, it is if you say it from a certain direction, mixed with intelligent stuff like Stanhope does. It's not where somebody's just going to fucking Google and Googling up words.

That's what we're talking about, Lee. What the fuck? Kick it up, Cocksuck. What do you got going on this weekend? Mama's going out of town. You're alone. You only got three stars. You're going to go to a kettlebell class on Saturday.

You got Jiu-Jit-T Friday night. I heard the fucking stories. No schedule? Look on him. He's fucking, he lost a hundred pounds. Do you do jih Tzu as well? Yeah, he just got into it. Are you good?

Are you into it? Oh, yeah. Can't you see? He's Maia Moto here. No. Some people are... He's good. He wrestled in Boston.

High school. So he's five foot fucking six. He's like a fucking anchor. Nice. He is like an anchor. He's like an anchor. That should be his nickname at the anchor. You're long.

And, you know, you're long in 200. I'm fucking long. He's a anchor. He's a little fucking. He puts his knee on you. everything. You start seeing stars. You see Steven Spielberg. What's that movie? He's like a spike.

Yeah, he's like a fucking spike. I'm still at that. I'm just... I love seeing you, man. I don't see you enough. We ever own Fairfaxes you're there every day. Every fucking day tormenting you. Everybody, many. I'm doing... What's to eat?

I go over there. You always had good food for me and shit. Oh, God, Joey. Sitting in the backyard on a beautiful... We sit in the back. This is when the medical marijuana first thing exploded. And I would go to the one pharmacy place that was trendy and go to your backyard and I bring edibles and we fucking get blasted. And just laugh, man. And just giggle.

Never laughed so hard back then, dude. That's what comics do sometimes. You know, sometimes in the afternoon you get together and you talk shit. And, you know, I miss Wesleying. We went through a lot of guys. We had a lot of clique. We had Ralphie. Wesleyan.

Who else? Rouse. I used to rouse. Dooley's great. Is he still in Houston, Rouse? Rouse is... Yeah, he's in here. Katie. He's still good. I talked to him recently.

He's, you know, writing. I saw him. I saw him when I was in Houston last time. Oh, you did? Yeah, he came in. He came in. Was he partying or, you know... What do you fucking think? He's the man of steel. He's the man that...

They gave him new knees. He got a second lease on life, Doug. And, like, you know... And hands, too. And the hands... There were some great comics we hung out with. A lot of people we ran in. Jeff Klinger

the other fucking Matush We had a lot of fucking It was so fun back then dude Because we're all just like doing it for the love of comedy We used to hang out with Ralphie in that apartment We used to go to Ralphie's when he lived in a fucking 1440 right in the apartment bed It's just good to see you're still doing

Where can people find you stop, man Mike Fabeman.com Ultimate Outdoor Cooking.com And then the punchline where ComedyHurfs.com's coming that our special is done it's fantastic dude you gotta just see it you'll love it it's hilarious on so many levels

dude all the guys from the comedy star on it too Barris is in it Fraser Smith doing what being the commentator the host of the boxing the punchline dude you gotta see watch I'm still talking about the fucking cooking I love that you do you ask me where you can find me so I was like you know I thought you gave me the cooking schedule

the fucking no no no the fucking cooking stuff Come on, guys. Oh, that would be a good cooking class. That would be a good cooking class. Listen, dog, this is entertainment to the fullest. If he was a chef and he cooked, you'd be fucking curt. This guy's a savage.

Trust me, bro. People. Brod's been good to me, dude. It pays way more than comedy, though. Didn't you do the 4th of July or whatever? And they said, like, fucking that was the hook, that Mike Flaveman's going to be there. And people show up because they know the fucking meat's good. You don't show up with a lot of me, you know, these people.

The Jews, yeah. We do all right. They got long pockets of short on. Simone said that he invited him up to do the podcast and eat, and then they were just going to grill steaks, and then he just started making a marinade out of what Steve had in his cupboard. That's what he does. Oh, yeah.

That's what Mikey Flavis does. I'll tear that up, dude. He knows as well as I know that, you know, and I have this argument all the time. Listen, I'm Cuban. I wanted to be white grown up, so I ate all the fucking staples. There's nothing. More than I love more than the hamburger. But the last couple of years

living out here, they're getting worse. And worse. And worse. And I tolerate them. I don't want to go to Unami burger. Once I got to pay $12, $15 for a fucking hamburger, that's not what it's about, guys. So I don't want to walk in there. I don't care they got paid a tauts. The burger's this

fucking small. Some fucking Japanese meat, people bowing. That's not what it's about. I want fucking regular people. That's it. last week I went to the fucking Kobe beef is oh Kobe beef yeah but what the fuck it is

I went to the place and I got a cheeseburger deluxe I ate two of the French fries guys I took the lettuce off I left the onions on the cheese and the tomato and I put a little ketchup on that motherfucker

and I'd been into that burger and there was still a little meat in the middle I mean the juice when the hamburger blew up oh I love that and it went on my fucking fingers I had to get a napkin

and it was on the wrist Fuck up my shirt. That's a hamburger. So I knew I was correct. But I had lost a full patois. Even though the hamburger they lost out of here, that five guys and all that shit. Those are novelty burgers.

I'm talking about a fucking American burger with steak fries. That's the way you show up with a burger. These fucking French guy all got AIDS. These little skinny fries. And they try to dope them up with garlic and parmesan cheese. That's not what the fucking French fries is about, guy. We're missing the fucking point. missing the point, you know?

Meady. I just want some good fries that's cooked in this fucking oil that just tastes good. They'll dry them for a little while. Do you like cooking, Joey? I don't have I ever talked to you about that. Do you like it? Any passion at all?

In another life, my fish, I'm sorry, to mess up your last name. In another life, I would have been a fucking great chef. I don't like touching meat. I could faint. Faint.

At any time, I'm cutting myself. So a knife is the last thing I want to fuck with in my life. I don't want a knife close to me, but if you chop it up, I'm the type of guy that I like putting stuff together. I went to Rudy's last week. I had the shrimp and garlic. Delicious. You know, it was perfect.

It was perfect. You were anywhere else and you could taste the fucking mixture. You could taste that this was recipe. You know, I had the chicken piccada there that night. Delicious, thin, nice, nice. Nice, yeah. It's class. Like a fucking perfect.

Feshire. You know, a lot of people who go to these places They give you a whole chicken Cutler with the fat on it, you know. So I'm the type of guy, yeah, with the little string. I want to bite into a chicken color

and taste its fucking thigh muscles. Yeah, get the fuck out of it. That's why I like your shit because you marinate everything. It's sadistic to eat the skin of this animal. But I believe in marinate.

I get fucking furious at my wife when I go throw a hamburger around and I bite it and it tastes like meat. What happens? I got no fucking garlic salt. We broke? Yeah, what happened? What's going on?

What broke? It's garlic powder, onion salt, fucking pepper, a little fucking sea salt. You spray that motherfucker, put a little butter on that grill, and you pop that fucking burger in there. You don't even need the bread and the fucking cheese. It's a flavor bag.

It's a fucking beautiful thing. You've got to prepare that fucking meat. But if you don't prepare that meat, it's going to be like every other fucking cheeseburger in town. Just a piece of fucking cheeseburger in town. Just a piece of fucking. meat. That's it. Well, we're going to give you an 8th to 16th of a pound.

If it tastes like a fucking Swami's ass, oh. Throw it on the grill. I don't give a fuck if you give me a half a pound. You know what I'm saying? I want a quarter pound of flavor. Figure that out, you fuck. That's what I want. A quarter pound of fucking flavor. I want to leave

here and go bursting with flavor. God damn, that was a good fucking cheeseburger. If I didn't have heart tissue problems and shit, I'd be back in there eating fucking 14 more. I don't give a Fuck him all right. Can you make a good burger? You kill it?

Dude, Worcester sauce, ketchup, barbecue sauce, fresh chopped, garlic, salt, pepper. Come on, man. Throw that in there. Olive oil. Really? That's how you make the good burger? Dude, give it the juices it needs.

So where do you put this stuff in? You put raw burger in a big plate, right? Right. And you put some barbecue sauce, good barbecue sauce, maybe sweet, you know, A little bit of olive oil, because, you know, juice. Freshly chopped garlic. All right.

And then, and, what was it talking about? Your burger recipe. Okay, the burger, what's just the sauce? Maybe a little bit ketchup. A little, maybe terriarchy, just a tannet. Maybe pineapple juice. And then maybe blue cheese crumbles. And you make it, you know.

By hand. By hand. Every single one of them. Dude, I put together. Dude. Stop it. Like 500 burgers in like 30 minutes or something like that. Just kick it out.

You throw it all in. You'd throw it all in. Hands, hands, hands. And I have some assistance sometimes just helping my shit. And then boom. Killing on the burgers, don't. Killing it. This guy's higher than both of us.

So you make the burger? You squishing with your hands. Individually. What are you putting the fucking frying pan? You put it on a grill. Okay. Outside. Yeah, put on a grill.

Move it once. 15 minutes on one side. Maybe 15 on the other. Did you want a little medium rass? So you want it. And then when you pull it off, a little barbecue sauce on that, on a bun, boom, you're done. No one's going to touch you. What if I don't want the barbecue sauce?

Okay, then you don't put it on it. What do you like? Tell me what you like. I got to tell you something. I'm in awe. When people tell me your recipes, I'm very in awe because it's like comedy. Joey, how did you do that on stage? Chef's out of seek.

A little bit of mustard. You don't taste that in my fucking cheeseburger. You're a fucking ass on. You're like, oh, my God, I did, but I would have put mustard in the whatever. Right. Very interesting When I was young I used to make chicken on a cocoa That was a recipe I invented

It was like hot sauce butter On chicken cutlet I'd fry it with onions and garlic It was fucking whatever I didn't know what the fuck that was doing it Did you enjoy like prepping it Putting it all together It's like expediting several things to all come to a perfect Yes I can't lie to you

I love making spaghetti and clam sauce I love to learn how to make a good fucking meatloaf. I know how to make. Right now, I can make a nice mashed potatoes. I know how to make a nice little mayonnaise, little fucking butter, salt and pepper, maybe a dab a sour cream, your squish shit. You know what I like mashed potatoes?

I like a little fucking red potatoes, and you leave the skin and you chop a little fucking red onion and that motherfucker. Stop it, Lee, right in your mashed potatoes. And you know what? You only live once. If you show up a margin, I'll stab you in the, fucking kidney. Put that butter

in that fucking mashed potato and whip that motherfucker up. That's mashed potatoes. But, you know, you can only eat like a half a cup and make it work for you. I look at you. Yeah, when I was a kid, I ate a whole fucking tray of mashed potatoes, guys. I could eat a tray and mashed potatoes back of my dad.

I'm going to fuck. Put a little steak in it? A steak of mashed potatoes on next to it, you fuck. I made mashed potatoes for restaurants. I had 30 to $40 a plate, so it had to be pristine and perfect. And I love make them. It's nothing like making a good mashed potato. Can you make a good mashed potato? Nope.

That's amazing. But you know, it's sad. We should teach you right now. I should know. But it was crazy that you said meatloaf. I remember I must have been like 10 or 11. I had like this kid cookbook and I made meatloaf for my entire family. Did you ever cook for your mom or anything?

As soon as you said it, that's all I can think about. Steakums. Steakums. You could steak. I made a good fucking steak em with onions and peppers. I could dope it up. Your mom was dope. Yeah, my mom was still alive, but she would need a fucking stake them if you paid her $20. She didn't even know I was eating

I was eating behind her back. She would call those scab meat. She goes, look at them. They're frozen. It's like a fucking scab that people put on their knees. It looked like a human scar. It was fucking disgusting. It was disgusting. That scab meat. It looked like a piece of meat from a steak and cheese. My dad

loves steakums. Yeah, I did. Oh, steak them with American cheese, cook up some onions and butter. It's so oily. With some fucking with a bun. Nobody knows. Unless you, unless you're fucking taste of that's whatever. And how do you make a good steak?

On a, let's say, at a frying panning, you know? Which meat? Pick the meat. Every meat's different, man. You flavor it differently. The fatty content, too. My ribby kills. I always close with my ribeye if I do a evening of recipes, you know what I mean? Because it's always the fattiest and

most juicy and delicious meat out of all of them. So you always like close with a ribai. I usually do something like a New York strip, some black in blue fillets, you know, maybe a good carne asada, maybe a flank steak,

that's a tough one, and then go to a ribbi and just close the night out. And then beforehand, dude, you do a little bit of vegetables, a little bit of sausages, a little bit of grilled vegetables, you know, and just get them like maybe a little bit of fish or salmon. I do a salmon in a tinfoil wrap,

where it's like fresh lemon, basil. Salmon, I always fuck up for I stop buying it. You just let it cook itself. at a low temperature, and you put all of it in a tint foil, so all the flavors are there, lemon pepper sauce, and just 15, 20 minutes on both sides, boom. Dude, it's easy.

I would go get salmon from Whole Foods, take it home. It tastes like ass. Every fucking thing I put on it, the glaze, this, that, this, that. Glaze. It tastes like ass, so I just stop. So you like a steak, though. What's your favorite steak? Like a New York cut or something?

A nice baked potato. Yeah. Aluminum 4 with some butter and sour cream, some chives and that motherfucker. Oh, yeah. A nice lettuce and maybe cucumber salad. The cucumber slice very, very thin. Vinegar and oil with some heavy fucking pepper, a little dash of sea salt. That's a nice salad.

What's better, dry-aged or wet-aged for steak? Because sometimes the restaurants will say, like, dry-age or what-age? It just depends on what you like. It's just a different texture or different... cooking technique. Hulia! Dude, that was a classic week, wasn't it?

That was a... What was it? Bullock? Lubbock. Lubbick. Lubbick. And this waitress had the biggest tits

you ever saw. Even the dad was checking them out. That's how... She had to be 19. Oh, she was just stacked. And she had the biggest tits, and she was the waitress and the doorgirl, and the mom and dad...

And door girl. And Friday later. sometimes. And every time somebody wanted a beer, I would yell from the stage. Holy good. We were fucking. She would come out with those gigantic. And I never hit on it. I mean, it was a shame. She was

a daughter. She was a daughter. She was very sweet. But, Lee, the hands. If my daughter's tits, well, I thought to pull her aside. We've got to cut those things down. I mean, these things would not double D. These things were double D.

Double D. Double D. They were natural. Like by Saturday, we got out of one of the customers or something. How big of her tits? And they're like, oh, she's been a little girl, and they just kept getting bigger and bigger. That's where they are today. They would not count today. Only in Texas. Oh, yeah.

Only in Texas. Well, those Texas girls are special. Yeah, no, no, no. I dated that El Paso girl for a while. She was great. Well, that's right. She was a great. She was great.

It's a party girl, beautiful. She lit your house on fire. She was crazy, though. No, she kicked me out of the house. Threw my shit on the lawn, dude. I'm in the middle of nowhere. I had to drive to Odessa, Texas, and then sleep in my car

because I had no place to crash that night. It was a nightmare, bro. The thousand lives of my face. The thousand lives of a comic, bro. Yeah. Falling along on the road and stopping by the house. Different stories with, you know. Come on, man.

On it, Troy. your fucking supplement needs. I'm sorry. I started step back, you motherfuckers. Let me tell you something, guys. I tell you, we went to Jiu-Jitsu today. We rolled hard today for that fucking and went out. We were sweaty up the store. Hell yeah. You know what that was? Tell him, Lee. What was that? Shrewd-tech sport. Lee don't know because I didn't give it to him. Yeah. I took a...

Oh, yeah. We went, but he didn't give it... See, I fucking had the Shroom Tech Sport in the fucking bag, and it gives you a little bit more oxygen, a little bit more length. It gives you more... At least I can think more. when I'm in bad situations. I love all that stuff. The alpha brain, that's the fucking, that's it. That's the Star Trek of the Enterprise right there.

If you don't start with the fucking alpha brain, you're killing yourself because it's money back guarantee. We don't even want the product back. Go to honor.com. Look at the great selection of supplements they have from the tea oil to the shroom tech sport, to the testosterone boosters. You know, I'm not one of those dudes. Plus, you said they're having a sale.

Go to honor.com right now. And in the box, before you, check out press in church boom get 10% off they have to stay on the program all this stuff gets delivered right to your door bam that's on it for you

we don't fuck around like I said alpha brain the shroom tech sport shroom tech immune I already got the immune ready for breakfast when I get up before I go on that plane I drop three fucking capsules midway three fucking capsules and when I get there three capsules just in case there's bad

spirits in the hotel fucking room shit like that. Speaking of comfort, meondis.com. I'll tell you. Let me drop line you, motherfuckers. You guys wear underwear every day. That's 365 fucking days a year. Rain a shot. There's a few days there. You go commando. You're going to sling dick. You ain't got time to take your underwear as well, right? Listen, luxury at half the retail price, you're going to find anywhere else.

When you look good, you feel great. It's a cliche because it's fucking true. Meandis understand this, and that's why they designed underwear that makes you look and feel fantastic. I got to tell you myself, I even look good and fucking Miandis. You understand? It tightens up the nutsack.

It firms up the muffler. You know, I ever decide to switch governments. I just put Miandis on and walk around Santa Monica. I'll get a date between 10 minutes with some sandals and a wig on. You ain't stopping Uncle Joey,

cuckers. What I'm trying to say is meandis is a great pair of wares. They make them for men and women. Miandis is made from Moda, a fabric that twice as soft is cotton. That's twice as soft as whatever the fuck you're wearing right now. Meandis has tons of colors, tons of styles,

and the only place to get matching pairs and women. So I'd say you're one of these Harvey homos, you want to dress up with your girlfriend and jump up and down. Boon, me on these could help you out. They even release a new fucking design every month. Me, I'm a camouflage type of motherfucker. Plus, we all know that we're paying for shipping sucks. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Meandis has removed that from the equation. orders in the U.S. and Canada, I'm going to ship to you for free. Plus, I'm going to give you 20% off of all fucking orders, all right? Meandis. The best underwear. If I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I got me on these. That's why I don't worry them when I'm not, because I got a stat. I only got like six or seven Pam yonis. I go to Jiu-Too. I'm ripping shit. But I'll tell you what, the elastika stayed, the fucking thighs have stayed. And every time I go to J-Jitsu, I get home, the outside is wet, but the inside is dry. It pulls the moisture from my nuts out. So let's say I was going from Jiu-Jit to slings some dick.

Boom! When I get there, the balls are fresh, as the French say, Magnifici. Go to me on these.com right now and press in. Joey. Joey, and get what, Lee? 20% of you. And free shipping in Canada and the United States. Who's better than you?

Bro. What do you think, Mike Frikeme? You know how we do it. You're killing it. Mike Firm. You love seeing you, dude. I love seeing you, too. You're one of the classics.

You are. So are you, Mike Flame. I learned a lot from you doing comedy. We're having fun still, man. I'm loving it out there. The month was exhausting, but fruitful. You know what I'm saying? You know, I see you out there still,

and it brings pleasure, because you and I both know a lot of people have left. Oh, it's tough. Before, we were talking about our friend Mike Ricker. We weren't making fun, and Mike Rickers are fucked up doing. But he left. You know, and the whole thing about the church,

we stuck it out. You got to fucking stick it out. You're here. You already got 10 years and best. there's going to be highs and there's going to be lows. But if you're going to go to that low, right before you hit that high, but you're going to leave. You're knock the girl up and tell me some story,

how it's better if we live back there. Guess what? You're a comic. You're always going to be a comic. Once you leave this area, you leave here fucking brutal. It's brutal for you. Yeah, some people make an understanding, but within three or four years you see them coming back to the other,

they'll tell you how they got the boys to something. Because it's fucking tough. Once you're a jet, you're always a fucking jet. Lee, how you doing? You're all right, Coxie? All right, thank you very much. I want to thank Mike Phameman. What's the website they go to, brother?

I'm sorry. MikeFateman.com or Ultimate Outdoor Cooking.com. That's what I'm talking about here. And you, Gougooch, everything all right in your world? Everything is great. We got new morning joint shirts and new church shirts, juries.net. People have been busting my balls.

Toledo this weekend. Tuesday to 6, 7.30. Love that club, this. This is not happening at the, what's the name of the cheetah. The Cheetah. The show is S2. Also next week, the week after, Minneapolis at the House of Comedy. Stay black.

I love you guys. Have a great weekend. We'll be back Monday night or afternoon. I haven't fucking thought about it yet. This show is brought to you by Meandis. Go to Meandis.com. Fucked up, Jack. What do you want to say?

What do you want to say? I want to say enough. Okay. Go to meandies.com slash joey ink to get 20% off your order of all other great underwear, shirts, socks, t-shirts,

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