The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #324 - Jerry Rocha

Episode Date: October 9, 2015

Jerry Rocha, Comedian, who's comedy special "Gentleman Jerry Rocha," debuts on Fuse TV October 17th at 10 pm., joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 10/08/2015.   Music:   Drake - Started From The Bottom The Spencer Davis Group - Gimme Some Lovin' Motley Crue - Looks That Kill  

This is going to be a crazy one. Let's go with you. This show is brought to you by meundies.com. Go to meundees.com slash Joey to get 20% off of your order of great men's and women's t-shirts, underwear, socks, all of the great products are made with modal fabric. Go to meundees.com slash joey and you're going to get 20% off of your order with free shipping in the United States and Canada. go to Onit.com and use Codeword church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products. AlphaBrain, Newmoo, Shrmukuk immune, Shrmtex Sport, they have strong bone. Go to Onet.com and use co-word church to get 10% off.

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They all saw the makers of most goomiest Hermannos, but you have to live in California. Start it. Oh shit. Jerry Roach in the house. What's up? Lee Siat in the house. Started from the bottom.

Now the whole team here, niggas started from the bottom now we're here. Started from the bottom now we're here. Are you fuck? Fucking kidding me or what? October 8th, motherfuckers. I get it real front of junk. Living at my mama house, we'd all you every month, nigga.

I was trying to get it on my own. Working all night, traffic on the way home. October 8, motherfuckers. I get you the keys, so you bring it right back, nigga. I just think it's... What the fuck, you bad motherfuckers? Jerry LaRocca in the house. What up?

My main man, Lee Syatt, has red with his little fucking... Shook Knight's shirt on. His forehead is matching the redness. Well, you just gave me, like you just put all, I didn't even, I see, the mistake I make is is A, taking things from you and B,

you're like the master, you like place the alpha brain bottle so I couldn't see how much hash you put in there. You put like the whole chunk of hash in that thing? The problem with this hash was, this used to be wax. So I didn't have any place to put this Lebanese and hash. So I put in this wax thing

and the wax absorbed the hash, absorbed the wax. This is death. People are killed for this fucking recipe right here. Start a butter bottom now we're here. What the fuck? Thursday night, the 8th of September. Jerry La Rocha making it happen. What's happening?

Got his new fucking special coming on on Fused TV. Yeah. You're a bad motherfucker. I first met you were a little fucking nerdy dude. I'm still a little nerdy dude. I'm still a little bit of Chinese food scared to eat the fortune cookies. You wouldn't need a fortune cookie? It's a joke, Lee.

He eats everything, this fucking guy. Me and him were partners and all the Chinese buffet. It was the best. That's all we do. That's all we do. That's all we do. Any town we'd work, we'd always,

he'd tell me there's a Chinese place. They don't have them out here. I love Chinese food buffets. They don't have them. Is there one? I don't know any California. These people are too healthy. Yeah, it's a problem.

That's the problem. They're too healthy. They'd never fucking do it. They're too. Texas has some wild that shit. Do Texas can have, there's a place in. Texas called either Alibaba

or Tara, one of the same owners. It's Middle Eastern food buffet. They have buffets for everything. And it's the fucking best shit. The best hummus you'll ever have, the best of gross. Let's stop right there, right? Don't come on the show talking about hummus. Talk about anything else. You show up looking like Lenin after he came back from

India with bracelets and fucking turbines on your head. Now you want to fucking insult me with Middle Eastern fucking unbelievable. Well, that's the best. Do you have them when you were growing up or they knew? because Chinese buffets. Like, how old their buffets?

Dude, they were all over Texas when I was a kid, man. They were fucking all over Dallas. It was amazing. There was some, oh, it was a great one. I never heard of a Chinese buffet until 1979. Somebody told me that to Mai Chi on Kennedy Boulevard was a Chinese buffet and that they put the ribs up. And I went there one time and it was fucking brilliant. Oh, man.

And I kept going back. Then the thing was to go there before the giant came. Like that was the in thing. People were going to other bars. Me and this little crowd, which even if we didn't go to a giant game, we'd meet that because somebody always going to a giant game. And it was kind of empty. It was close to a church, but everybody would go to the other. Who the fuck wants to eat Polynesian food on Sunday at 1130?

Me. I do. Yeah, that sounds great. But I haven't one of the funniest times. I know my friend Timmy listens to this. It was with his brother. And I've said this story on the podcast. I mean, we, you know, you start going through the palm.

When you're fucking 15 and you're going to a Polynesian Chinese place, you go in there, you get high, and you bust away this balls. I mean, they fucking hate us. They fucking hate this. What did you do to them? Everything you could imagine. I remember one time we picked up the tray of spare ribs. We're like, why are we going to walk back and forth?

This is a waste of time. We're going to kill these things. Because their mistake was they took really good sparrows and cut them in half. Like the big bone and spare ribs? The big bone and sparrows. And they cut them in half. So you have to eat 52 of them. to get 26 of them, you know what I'm saying?

I would eat 20 fucking nine of them in those days. I didn't give a fuck about my heart. I'm doing blow three days. I see a stack of ribs. They're going down. Rice, that everything, all that. Polynesians, it's Chinese Polynesians. Same shit. They have all the fucking things with the red sauces,

which I stay the fuck away from me too. I avoid that shit like the play. With the red sauce. You know, like that shit, you dip in, like the people who get that fried stuff. Oh, yeah. Is that what they brought me at that Chinese food place we went to at the South Point, it wasn't

duck sauce. It was supposed to be like duck sauce. Right, yeah. Listen, if you're out of New York, if you're out of New York, New Jersey, a Boston, you never order ducks on. They're not going to give it to you. Oh, out here. They're not going to give it to you. I see what? They think duck sauces and your ducsauce is a

complete fucking different thing. The worst one for me is the mustard. There's almost no places you can go. Yeah, they have the packages. Yeah, they have the packages. Yeah, they have the packages. But listen, you're going to put mustard. It on what, a fucking dumpling or a spare rib?

So nobody really had it. Golden chopsticks is all right down there in North Hollywood, right there by me. I went in there one night. It was okay. I don't even know what to get. What do you get there? I always get the chicken broccoli with the chicken fried rice combo. It's tremendous.

That's really, really good stuff. You live down by there? Yeah, well, I live right on the corner. Yeah. Because I live down right there too. There's one I like, I haven't been to golden chopsticks, but there's one called China Light. China Light is good. Yeah, China Lights is good.

Yeah, I go there a bunch. That's the one by your house. That means you walked in and walked out. Yeah, the Cuban place. And the Cuban place is even worse. Is it really? Oh. You know what's good, though, is that Tayatai, which is right there.

I went there tonight. Tye is really good. And then noodle monster is pretty fucking good, too. What's the middle monster? It's Chinese and Vietnamese and Thai. It's like a fusion. But it's all right. It's okay.

I ain't walking in there. It's too many countries. You know what's going to look at that. That sushi place is fucking great. Maya sushi or whatever. That's good shit there. That's the. he gave me edibles once

that were stronger than anything I'd ever had had puke on that but I made the mistake of telling him that I had sushi for dinner so now he calls that sushi place wholesale sushi and I haven't been able to go in I haven't been able to go in since it's been like eight months and I like it so good man

but now I just associate it with puking dude I was in the last time I was in Vegas I was like I hate being like on the strip after enough times I'm like so I went just walking to this Chinese food restaurant that was like I don't know a little bit outside the strip. It was a weirdest place I've ever been through.

They just had trays that were filled with food that they would just circle around the whole restaurant. And it got packed. That's dim sum, right? Yeah, and you could just pick, like, oh, that one. Then let me get that one. Let me get some of that. Like, and it was all kinds of different shit.

It went from, like, normal shit to, like, chicken chameen to, like, this weird squid shit. Like, it was just constant. It was like a fucking train. Like family stuff. Yeah, dude. It was badass. That was nice.

That was really good. You know, I mean, whatever you're into this. Right. You find something good. I feel that Texas life, even when we used to tour early on, I'm talking, I know you're 15 years. Yeah, man. Since 2000, El Paso? Yeah.

So, wow. I remember you didn't let me go home, too, because remember I wanted to drive, I wanted to go home early that Sunday morning or whenever, Monday morning, and we both were staying a little bit longer. And a Pink Floyd documentary came on VH1, and you're like, where are you going? Sit down. Like, you're not going anywhere. We're going to watch this. Remember that? It was great, man.

Yeah, that was, God, that was, that was two thousand. That was when the old, the second club he had. Remember that with the giant elevated stage? That's where that, that's where we were. That's, it was that one. Across the street from the old time. Yes, the one that was the one that was the old one. That was the one.

Yeah, I heard that was, everyone said that was still the best one. That was still the best one. Have you been to his new club? Once, yeah. Where's the new one? When was the last time you were there? I went to the one that's kind of near the airport, like in the middle of town kind of, like, where he helped him open it, that other comedian or whatever,

forgot the guy's name but like that's a one it's uh shit it's a kind of near le trevino he just taken it's right there and it's up the it's up the street kind of near the airport i don't know if he's moved it again but i think that was can you believe you shot your first special that's so weird that's so weird who shot the special for Gabe gave produced it we went up to uh levity live at club of nyack up there and um yeah he packed it out because he you know he put his name all over just such a huge help you know and so we just packed the place out with like a real crowd you know It was really awesome. And yeah, he just let me run.

He goes, dude, do your time. You guys, we need at least an hour. I end up doing like about an hour and 20. So we'll see. It was really fun. You know, when you're a comic, people at home, you know, think you have an agent and a manager and you have all that stupidity. But I got to tell you guys, 60% of the time, it's another comic. No question.

No question. And it's a really nice bond. Yeah. People say comedy is clicky, and it is very clear. sure and you have to accept that but the clicks that up what's the matter Lee? No I just I that annoys me because offices are clicking this is just your office everywhere's Well everything is clicking yeah for sure but like But what fascinates me is when you have comic you know that right that most of the help you're

going to get is from another comedian so why do you have comics that are assholes I never understand that it's like dude why are you sitting here burning every fucking bridge when you know that you know the 90% of your help is going to come from your own peers right so why Why would you be such a prick to everybody? I never understood that. I never got that, you know. I never got it either. It's so weird.

I never got it either. I assume it's like a jealousy factor. It makes with a little hatred, like you confuse hatred with jealousy. Yeah, yeah. That could happen. It's amazing how something shows up disguised or something else. I don't know. It's just a lot of things, but I'm happy that, you know, Joe's helped me a lot.

Adam Sand will help me. You know, Nick Swanson, we saw Nick at the thing the other day. You know, you have all these people from different walks, and then you have different people that have an opportunity to help you or something, and they don't. Now, I don't want comics that are listening to this going, well, what do I do, latch on to a comic. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's actually a turnoff.

You know, I was talking to a guy last week, the guy I worked in Toledo, Bo. Bo said he opened up for, uh, uh, uh, What's his name? The really educated black dude that's always on HBO. I'm a show, D.L. And D.L. Toulton. Now when I'm on the East Coast, you're working with me.

Right. And he goes, you know, two guys help me. Chappelle and D.L. Hughley. You know, we work together. They dig you. And I dig everybody I work with on the road. I tell them, if you come to Lale, you know, look me up. There's nothing we could do for you.

Right, right. That's what comics get to miss. This is the main. misnomer that we're saying comics could help you, but there's nothing a comic could do for you. Right. There's different levels in your career where a comic could come in and go, hey, come on the road. Sure, sure, sure. You're a great feature act.

Right. And from there, you take off. And everybody I know, you know, from Josh Wolf went on the road with a library, the cable guy. You know, Chelsea used to open up a Dave Attell. Yeah. You hear these stories. So I never want people to think you have to put the work in. You do, yeah.

And eventually somebody will pick you up and go, listen, are you a raise. at the store you're not let me call down there for you at least get you a show yeah man it's the people come out and they're here for one day and go hey I'm here what can you do for me I can't do nothing no that's you have to go out for a couple months get yourself a little name get the store to pull you and then I'll give you the push you need right you're following me it's like when you're off over the hill and all of a sudden you're like fuck I'm not gonna make it and three Puerto Ricans show up and push you over that's what this is we just give you a little push right after you've done

the work yeah that's the easy way to say. A lot of people show up and are just like, oh, remember that one time when you, you know, I'm here. And I'm like, okay, well, you want to go have lunch and we can hang out for a little bit, but that's all that really can happen, you know? And that goes a long way sometimes, too. A lot of people do you understand. Like, it's nice to just be able to, you know, when you first come to a town, I didn't want anyone to help me. It was just nice to go see somebody I knew for an hour. You know what I mean? And go have lunch, go, you know, relax. That was great. Yeah, you can't, like, what can we do right now? Like, it's out here. It's like, shit.

man it's you know again it's like nobody's gonna take a chance on somebody who's never heard of no matter who's plugging them no matter who's you know they just don't have time for that out here that's the that's the thing but even if you could like at most you could like book a room but even let's say you introduce them to an agent and let's say they start booking them everywhere for comics even if you get booked it doesn't mean you're going to be funny like you can't it's i mean there's so much you have to do that's why it's like yeah like a lot of guys don't understand they'll have a friend who hits right you see that happened too where someone from you know some guy from houston has a friend who just got a deal or a show

so they'll come out here and think oh okay i'm i'm next right and it's like no dude like you know it's you have to yeah they just want to get lazy and just wait you know it's like you can't do that like you know it yeah like you said you don't want anyone to get the idea that you have to latch on to anybody you shouldn't do that because a lot of comments can kind of smell that they can kind of smell the they do they smell that they want to get said and then hey man you know if you ever want to take somebody on the road right I live in LA. I live in LA. I got 90 guys in front of me that need work. I just met you. You know, that's the other partner right there that I just met you. Yeah. I have 90 guys in front of me. Do what you're doing. You know, do what the fuck you're doing. Keep doing what you're doing. When you're ready, I'm here. Yeah, man. You know, someday you come out to the store, but, you know, our friend came out from Paducah, George. Nice Spanish kid that I worked with in Paducah. And he sent me an email and I told him. I said, listen, bro, here's the deal. You know, I said, listen, bro, here's the deal. You gotta go out now and make a name amongst the comics.

I mean, you gotta hit all these fucking dumbass rooms. Yeah. All these shitty fucking rooms. And then somebody's gonna see you and go, boom, we're gonna get you a spy at the improv. And it becomes infectious. Yeah. Now you got a manager. Now he calls the laugh factory.

Now you call me. I could recommend you because they want somebody with a fucking manager. You know, this has become a bit. This has become like an industry show now. I grandfathered my way in. But a lot of these guys, they want you to have a manager, and they want you to have an agent. They want you to have a booking agent.

No booking agent's going to sign you when you're making $500 a week. No way. That's $50 a fucking week from you and you got to turn on the lights. I love it when features go, I need a booking agent. It's great. The booking agent is you working with a headliner. Yeah. Him booking you and then you getting introduced to the clubs,

giving them your best 20 minutes and let them bring you back the headline on Wednesday and Sunday next time you come back with the headliner. And the next time you do it again, next time you do it again. Now they give you a fourth of July. It's a dead weekend, but at least you're a day. You got a fucking weekend on your way. Now you've got to get on Twitter. Now you've got to got on fucking Facebook.

It's the same thing. It's the same work process. You know, started from the bottom. Now we're here. What the fuck? Thursday night, cock suckers. You got to keep working it. It's a thing, man.

A lot of people don't. Comedy is one of those places where, like, it's almost like where people move out here. And it's like, it's okay, it's like if I got a letter from a loan company saying I've been pre-approved for a $10,000 loan and I lose my shit. And I'm like, I did it. That's how they act, too, when they move out of it.

They act like they just got a letter in the mail saying they've been pre-approved for a loan. And they're like, well, here I am. Give me the loan. And they're like, no, actually, it's not like that. You know, like, that's, they don't redefine print. Now, that's what you did the Chicago Comedy Festival. Right. And Dave Becky walked up for you from three yards.

Right. And he gives you a card. And he goes, as soon as you get to LA, call me. Then you fucking do it. Then you move, man. Like there's no, you go, write the grandpa on. You go, those saving bonds. Got to go.

Let's cash the motherfuckers in because I need to train to L.A. motherfucker. There's different situations. And when I talk about comedy, I don't want to alienate people. A lot of people listen to this in their cubicles. I'd just say any art. Any art at all. Anything you want to be a juggler? Yeah.

Yes, man. Was I talking to you on the phone? I said, I was looking at somebody walking on stilts? No. I don't think so. There's a black dude that works at Universal, but he's work. And he was telling me that now he trains people. Oh, yeah.

Wow. You were saying that. I bumped into him. I had to go get mercy. Me and my wife were coming home. And I told him, I said, I can you play a lottery today. It was the last time you played a lottery ticket. She goes, never.

I mean, let's play a pick six. Right. And went to that liquor store, and some guy came out, and I recognized my neighbor when we started talking. And I go, was that you on Stiltreville? And he told me his whole career. How long he's been doing it? Like, yeah, to travel for eight years and sleep on a couch. It's work.

It's everything. This is work. This is work. And those couch stores. and the floor stories and working at Dallas hyenas and going to the supermarket and the next morning opening up your fucking eggs and there's a roach in there that broke in

through the fucking back, through the package in those condos. And Greg, whatever, sleeping on the floor with no shirt on. And next thing you know, you hear a bunch of people dialing and you go out into your living room and they got a telemarketing fucking chapter of comedy clubs in your fucking living room. These are all

true stories. Do you, my favorite road moments were Now, looking back, when it was happening, I thought I was going to die. You've done this, I'm sure, a million times when you first started as a feature, right? Do you remember when you would work those weeks with those 20-something years in bitter road guys who lived in the Midwest? The worst. And just bombed L.A. And they sell everything.

Yes. They sell sneakers, buttons, shoes, guitars, and they're bitter about L.A. You live in L.A. Do you suck dick? You might as well start Because nothing's gonna happen to you It's funny On my special I have a bit about that

Where I talk about when my CD came out Someone's like hey who's dick Did you have to suck? I'm like the one you didn't That's who's dick You know what I mean? And then I was like What does it even mean?

What if there was some magic dick Out there would you suck it? Fuck no You know what I mean? Like you would just You know what I mean Like you have to like first of all I'm not good at some

I promise you right now I'd be horrible at sucking dick So if I were to go blow some guy To move ahead He'd be like, no, I'm sorry, man. Like, you're not good at this. You're going to go. That's when they pick up, I'll have a little head dude.

That used to me to think. That's when they pick up, forget about it. Just look my asshole. Don't worry about the rim job. Right. So, like, as headliners, what would you look for? Since there are so many people who could feature for you, like, what do you guys look for if you get to pick a feature?

It doesn't matter. Just someone's funny. Like, you did funny. And you can tell the, like, there's like, you can tell the thing. You know them. I know that he's striving. Right.

I want to know that he's painful. Right. a rent. I want to know that he's banging it out every fucking night like I did. I want to know that he's not right. Well, I'm tired. There's no tired in this. I don't know what you're talking about. Right. Until you pop three or four things. You can't be tired. That could be three or four years. I don't know what day or I don't know what wedding you're talking about. Christmas sucked my dick. Jesus was a Jew. You know, let's get it together. Do you have many times, and you've been through this? I mean, dude, there is nothing that

And I'll tell you, that's what you just said it best. Like, I would look for a comic who I know this guy has spent at least two or three already Christmases alone in a fucking hotel room in the middle of nowhere because they're working that week. You know, and we've done that. Dude, and those are night, especially when you're up like in the north and it's just fucking snowed in. There's nothing to do. There's no show that night. And you're just trapped in your room on Christmas.

But there's always somebody who goes, hey, man, what are you going to do? You want to come over to the hospital? Yeah, yeah, something. Yep. There's always on the road where you really learn about human compassion on the road sometimes. You know, speaking about El Paso, he used to have the gay manager, John. That was just kind of mind.

He had the young Mexican lover and, you know, oh, he was a bad motherfucker man. He was a bad motherfucker, John, man. And you hugged him and kissed him and I'd squeeze his ass and he'd run from me. You know, I mean, it was just fucking, you meet. I could write a book of the people that I met. that bailed me on the spot as a feature act. That I wish there's a way I could get a hold of them and thank them because there was millions of them.

There was a Puerto Rican guy in South Dakota one time, like Green River South Dakota. I'll never forget that stuck his head out. When he heard the accent, he stuck his head out to the window, and he goes, bro, I met some white shirt. I stuck out here in the service. I'm the only Puerto Rico around here, and I'm like, can we get weed? Right.

You know, and he brought me weed And he didn't charge me When I did a triple run one time Oh, fucking Minneapolis Minnesota, not even Minneapolis I'm sorry, like Minnesota all the way Where they fish The ice walleye

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And all that shit And we finished the show Dog, we drove for two hours In the darkness Yeah, and all there was was Fade deer And how you, the light was when

Your headlights hit the lights I mean, you were scared. Lee, you kept going, Joey, like, where are you taking me? I've had a tire blowout on a Tribal one runtime. Driving through Montana, I hit Black Ice, my car spun, my tire exploded. I'll never forget this. I had to fucking pull over, jack it up, put on the little tiny spare,

and I still had 50 miles to go, and I just made it to the gig. Like, those are those triple runs like that are like, fuck, man. And have you ever had a triple run during good weather? I don't think that exists, right? He doesn't give them to you. He saves those for the fucking good comedy. Yeah. I mean, man, we would just go and, like, death.

I mean, you know, it's not that you would go. It's that you didn't think about it. Yeah, man. You loved the comedy so much. You loved, and you'd go to your friends and go, I'm doing potato run too next week, and they go in December, good luck. Good luck. We'll never see you again.

And it's not like when you're like, oh, you're flying to Boston. Good luck. Those planes go down. Let me tell you something. You will hit a deer on a triple one. Yeah? People come home blow out. Ties blow out.

You got to get out with chains on your car. You ever run out of gas on a Trouble Run? And you have to go fucking run like a mile to a gas station, filled up, run back to the, that's happened to me. Like, dude, triple runs, oh, man, it's nothing else can come. That is the comedy dojo. A triple run is a training program. Once you call David Triplers a comic and he goes,

I have six weeks of work for you. You know one thing. You go on a comedy camp. You're learning every aspect of comedy except marketing. There's no really marketing because it's too quick. It's too quick. One night you're done. What you learn is how to drive, get there, live on 50 bucks.

Yeah. You know, get to the gig, directions, what to put in your car. You know, by the second year of comedy, your car becomes... It's your home. It's a dollar store. Yeah. That's the best way I could describe. You have screwdrivers, anti-free, a pillow.

Anything you need. A pillow. A football or frisbee. You like my guy. I mean, a knife, a wrench, a fucking soccer ball, a sleeping bag, a tent, a grill. You've got tang. You've got waters in the back. You've got so much shit in your car and you learn how to put it all together. Yeah.

You learn how to pull over and sleep for three hours. Yeah. Leave the windows opening and the car running and lock the doorknobs, open up the sunroof at those rest areas. You know what I would do with the rest areas? I would sleep. I would take, I had a water gun and I would just hold it and I would wear a hoodie and I bought a water gun and I would put it in the middle pocket

so it looked like I was holding a gun. When you go to like the shady, really creepy, fucking, you know, just in case, just make it look like I'm packing. You know, like you would do all, dude. I remember when I was on the road, the best feeling was one time I was doing a gig and I was in between gigs

and I just found a basketball court out of the middle of nowhere and I had my basketball on my car. You got to put everything in your car. This is the fucking shit. basketball, swimming trunks. Oh, yeah. Because you don't know what you're going to bump into. And on the triple run seat, the weekends on Saturday.

So the week doesn't start until Tuesday. You're on Montana by yourself. Let's explain to the breakdown on payments. Okay. Let's say you're because I would feature on TV. I'm trying to pay. So let's say you do a comedy club and they give you $500 Wednesday through Sunday or whatever, $700.

You would get about the same with the triple gig, except they would pay you each night. And what was mind-blowing is the first night you got $10. And then you would go to the second club, you get $35. And then the third one, you get $250. And then the next night you get $75. And it would all even out at the end. But like you said, a lot of times you do those gigs, you have zero in your pocket.

And you get to the first gig. And all you get is $10. Like, fuck, I got to stretch this for all day tomorrow. Veggie and cheese. Dude, fuck, yeah. Half of breakfast, the other half for lunch. Fuck, yeah. And hopefully they'll feed me at the game.

The club. I get that. Yep. And then you get to the hotel. You check in and they have like a buffet downstairs, like a free gatherings of the town. And they got like for little pizzas. And you go down there and eat two of them. But you're like, you know what?

I'm fucking starving. I'm eating this whole. There's always something. I didn't have a credit card. They would say you can't. Yeah, me too. Dude. You can't turn the TV on.

You can't turn the phone on. Lee, a fucking nightmare when you don't have a credit card. But then you know what happens? Then there's always those weird. magic moments were like the one hot chick and that one town comes to the show and you got a room for the night. You know what I mean? Remember those weird moments? You're like, what is she even doing? Fucking me, but I'll take it. You know, and it's just, it's all that like, oh, it just, you're almost in a, you know, like you said, you meet these, and you build these weird. It's

almost like you're living a life with somebody for one night, but for whatever reason, all the emotions and all that shit, they're just, it's all cool. And it's like, it's nice. And yeah, it's, it's, Nothing can compare to any any comedian who's just starting off. If you wanted to learn how to be a comic, go do a triple run right now. Just fucking pack up your car and go do a triple run. And you'll be, you will be a better comic when it's over. Oh, my God. You learn.

You learn quickly. Okay, so I was doing a gig. I was doing a triple run one time in Montana. And this, it was, I was in Dallas and it was before I was going to take up. Now, when I first started doing triple runs, dude, you think you're a superstar. You're like, oh my God, I'm going to go tour. And like this is, you know, and you don't realize it. You know, like, Pocatelloido isn't, you know, the entertainment capital of the world.

But you're like, fuck, I'm going to be doing it. Like, you know, and so you do these. And so anyway, this tape started circulating from this comedian. I forgot his name, but he's on stage. And I was going to be at the club in two nights. And I remember the VHS pop it in. And this guy's on stage for whatever reason he was taping at a Turbo One, which is already a mistake. You're not going to get your tonight show.

You're not going to get your Tonight Show submission set from there. And so he's sitting there and he's in Montana and he's a little dude. You know, he's not a big guy. Someone's heckling him. And he's just finally, after like 30 minutes, he just lays into the guy and he goes, this is my fucking life. And you sit there. And then you just see this fucking corn-fed redneck.

Just get up and just walk to the stage. He pushes the comic, unplugs the mic and then boom, knocks the stuff. fuck out of him. And then like a brawl just starts and it's all on tape and you're like and you're going to be at that club in four two nights. And it's like, well, hope it goes better for me. You know those triple runs there's people

who just go out to heckle the comments. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's it. That's all they do. They just go out to heckle the comically. So I did a show. That's like they're like their, they're, like them and their buddies are like it's heckle night? That's all they do. They are, a lot of times, especially in places

like that, dude, these are people who are like all the stress of their week, their life, they get to just once a week go take it out on these fucking schmose who just walk in and do comedy. And they just fucking, it's,

you can't explain it. They did it to me in Idaho and I had to fight them. Dude. The following week, I hit them with Chinese food. Of course. Do you think people who do that know there are terrible people?

No. They don't. They have no idea. They have no idea. They're just trying to be cool in front of their friends. Trying to get, trying to get them to tell this fucking New Yorker that I'm funny than he is. Yes.

they don't realize they're being assholes they think they're being part of the show they think they're you know one time it was in monta i'm always in montana dude and i was doing a show and of course i'm mexican but when you met me you're like there's no fucking way you know nobody believes it they all think i'm jewish right because i you know i look jewish i know i look

sephartic dude it's crazy but like so i'm doing this show and all i say is i'm mexican five minutes in i go i saw i'm mexican and this woman at the bag goes hey motherfucker don't you run your fucking mouth but i'm fucking Mexican, I don't want to be in a fucking bullshit. I'm like, whoa, we're cool. All I said was I was

Mexican, you know, I wasn't making fun of Mexican. I was just getting it out there, and I'm Mexican, and I said, you know, is anyone else here that's Mexican besides me and that stupid piece of shit in the back? And then, dude, she gets on a phone, the bar had a fucking old school phone on it, and we're in the hotel.

Because it was one of, some of those triple rooms, you're in a lounge of a hotel. Right, you're in a red rock. Right, yeah, red rock and all that shit. I think I saw one then in like upstate New York or something. Oh, you, oh yeah, They're everywhere. They're everywhere. And so she gets on this phone.

And throughout, I'm doing, you know, what, 20 minutes I'm featuring. And she gets on the phone. And about 10 minutes after she's been on the phone, there's, we are no longer the only two Mexicans in Helena, Montana. There was like 15 dudes come walking. And they're waiting for me. They were waiting. They're all like, go, okay, bro, what you got to say it's, Cabron?

We're going to see what the fuck happened. And I was like, okay, here we go. And I'm thinking in my head like, shit, I'm going to die. like this is it like they're gonna fucking kill me because she called all of her boys and they all showed up to kick my ass I didn't even make fight just you know I didn't even really make fun of her and then I said guys when I ended my set

I couldn't ego comedian ego I said hey by the way if anyone was offended tonight during my set I apologize but if the only one was offended was that stupid piece of shit in the back of the room then fuck you I'm glad I offended and then everyone was into it

and these guys like right to jump the stage and what they didn't realize so they're all stage left where the entrance to the lounges right what they didn't realize was stage right is another door that just goes right to the hotel so i just bring up the headline i go thank you good night and bloop i just go out the fucking door and i ran to my fucking room and just hold up i was like man fuck it was it was it was great and i was ready to go and i was like well i guess i'm going to die but the headliner grabbed me so i was bringing up he goes go stage right he's shaking my hand he goes i'll get your money go stage right There's nobody there.

They don't know that that's, and just go to your fucking room. And so I'm like, shit. So I run up to my room. When I get to my room, it takes like 30 seconds, right, to get to my hotel room. The phone's ringing. I pick it up. And is this the front desk? There's a gentleman here who says he went to high school.

He wants to know what room you were in. So you can come up and say hi. I'm like, no, I don't know anybody in this. Like, it was, and I remember that I left my car in the parking lot and it had Texas plates on it. And I talked about being from Texas. And it was the only one with Texas plates. So I did like fucking Mission Impossible.

I had to fucking sneak. All the way down, get in my car, go park it in a bank across the street, and then sneak all the way back up. I would have left the room, fucking take the car. Right. I was a fucking thing on fire. One time I had a scare in Idaho. I had a scare. And it was fucking crazy because I'm on stage and I see this black guy and he's talking to white women in Idaho.

And when I'm cracking jokes, I'm saying to myself, this guy's got the biggest balls in the world. Because this is around the OJ time. Oh, man. Sherman had a house in Idaho. So in my mind, I'm like, so after the show, I fuck around and I get off stage and I talk to the black guy. He comes over me and goes, brother, thank you that you came. He was the only black guy and he was slinging big dick. And you can tell these white guys hated him.

Like they fucking hated him. And when I went to the bathroom, a guy was in there. And he goes, did you have a good time with your Negro buddy? Wow. And I could tell. I'm telling you. You know, listen, you want to fucking piss people off. fuck with their women.

Oh, even if they're not fucking them. It's like office and the gentleman. No question. When they come into the bar, the guys chase them out of the bar and want to fight them, just because they were talking to the girl. Dog,

it's really weird. It's a weird mentality. They're not coming into our town with that Led Zeppelin shirt on, you know, and they fucking go nutsly. It's at that, what's that Bob Seeger song? Turn the page.

Yeah. Every performer who's ever had to do One Nighters has lived every moment of that song. Right? You remember they're walking to the restaurant and everyone's looking at you like, what fucking freak is this? I don't remember those looks. I was going to Montana with Rico.

Oh, wow. Black Rico. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. Stan Hope's buddy. Yeah. Black Rico's 400-pound black guy with a spider on his face, a fucking beard. And I'll never forget.

Were you guys a big hit that week? It was horrendous. We were co-headlining and trible. I'll never forget where we were the first night. and the morning he woke up and there's no black people for fucking days this fucking idiot decides to get on their hands and knees he's Muslim or whatever to fuck

those people are that breathe on that they pray on their knees this restaurant's packed with white people in a restaurant and he wants to get down I called him I go Rico you gotta get up we're gonna get killed it's bad enough you're fucking black and 400 fucking pounds you want to pray the Allahi yeah in 1995 they don't know nothing about Allah

nothing to Allah have a golden corral. Whoever the fuck he was praying to. He's looking at me like, you insults me. I ain't got time for this shit. Get up. We're at a cracker barrel. They're going to fucking kill us.

I sit there sometimes. I never forget when I first left Denver. I was meeting, when I left Boulder, June 30th and 95 or whatever for June 1st, I was meeting Carol to stripper in Seattle. And I don't know about you guys. I couldn't wait to fucking tear Carol.

up. It was Tuesday and I was jerking off eight times in the shower. Just thinking about how hot a pussy was. She was in the strip for me. And I was crazy. I remember I did Wednesday. I forget this, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, with a guy that was from Orange County. Okay. He was a comedian at the time. He said he owned the house and he lived out here for 15 years. And he got from time to time, he was an extra. And I asked me if he got, spots at the improv and he goes no and you'll never get in there and the laugh factory's impossible the comedy store and he's telling me all this shit and i'll never forget how negative he was he gave me a card and it was four days because i was telling him i was moving to seattle

to hook up with this girl and i'm going to do comedy and and he's like you know what man i don't mean to piss on your parade but stay in seattle don't let people talk let you talk and let you talk to into moving to. I still remember there was a fucking guy with Newchucks on the road. Right. They used to bring them up on stage that drove me crazy for a couple nights. I know, I could ride them out like 10 guys. I don't know

remember their names, but it's funny that the triple run, see, I started on a triple run. Yeah, me too. No, no, no. How was the House MC? Oh, shit! I'm a triple run. That's how I met. Stanhope and a lot of... That's the best. You know, at that time, there were

medium-level comics. Yeah. I don't I only remember two now that are still in the business that came through there. There was one kid from San Francisco that came one time for the two-year anniversary. And I got to tell you guys, he blew up that fucking room. Nice. And I saw him out here at Rouse one day, and I walked up to him. Maybe, so it's 215. Yeah.

I think I saw him after Mad TV. Okay. I did Mad TV, and I did something else. By 2003, I think I had Mad TV. Yeah. or 2002 I had a few more I had like baseball

and a pilot no ego I knew I was very lucky I knew that I thought like I had stepped in shit it'll never happen again and I bumped into him and I walked outside

and went after him like I don't know if you remember me man in 1990 fucking two you destroyed the broker and he goes yeah and I go what do you do now and he goes I got out of comedy

completely I moved done and I did one and it's one of those times where there was a couple of comics that I remember going, wow, that guy's really good. He was one of those guys. Stanhope. I saw Stanhope as a feature actor at the broker.

Wow. I invited him to stay over the house. He stayed over the house because I was divorced. Yeah. And I had this huge house. So the comics were cool. In those days, it was broke Boulder on Tuesday. Okay.

Craig on Thursday. Oh, Craig. Wow. Yeah. Craig, which was they, I'll never forget the itinerary for Craig. Craig. Craig was a triple run. Friday was Gunnison.

Yeah, Gunnison. And Sunday was, no, no, all Colorado. And Sunday was Colorado Springs. Colorado Springs. Like a barn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, wasn't Judy Brown's room. It was a different room.

No, no, no, no, it was a triple run. It was a triple run. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what you did was basically, what these poor bastards did was some of them got up Wednesday morning after a hard night at the broker and they'd shoot up to Craig because it was six hours and Aspen. And that's the thing with a triple run, dude. You finish Wednesday night at 10, you have to be almost 10 hours across the state Thursday night.

Like, there's no joke. There's no joke. So sometimes you got to drive eight hours. Some days you drive 45 minutes and you have the whole day to yourself. But there's some days you've got to get up at 8 and drive and you're still going to get there at 6. Right. Yep. Jesus.

Yep. Do you guys ever have like an issue with like a guy knocking on the door and you're like having sex with his girlfriend or his wife? since like you guys hooked up with people on the road? I've never luckily I've avoided that. I mean, you know, it's, I've heard a horror story from this one comic who said that that happened. Like, after he'd, after he'd hung up with a chick, there was a knock at his door the next day. And a dude had a badge.

He walked in a detective from, you know, local department goes, this woman here claims you raped her last night. And the comic is like freaking the fuck guy. He's like, dude, that never fucking happened. And so he sits a guy down and he starts making him go into detail as to what happened that night and it turns out that that wasn't even a cop it was that chick's crazy ex-boyfriend who just

fucking was tailing her all night and then just wanted to hear he bought a fake badge and wanted to hear like what it was fucking crazy shit like that luckily I avoided all that like you know I got lucky man yeah definitely you know you'd hook up with chicks you always be worried like fuck like one time when I was in Little Rock I thought

you know what her boyfriend is here like she took me back to her house and we fucked in her in her dining room of all place and the whole I'm like, you know what? Sometimes you can tell when there's like other eyes, you know? I'm like, dude, her husband is either into this and watching it or something. It was, so I got the fuck out of there as quick as I could.

But like, like, luckily I've never had that, you know, happen where someone's trying to kill me or, you know, kick my ass over to anything like that. Like, luckily. You learn a lot. Like, I'll tell you what shocked me. The most shocking thing that happened to me was I'm a Coke cat. I was a Coke cat on the road. So the Coke took me wherever. Right.

You know, if a chick was involved, I'm gone. You know, so I'd be at the fucking club, and as a feature act, I'd make believe I was in the payphone at El Paso. And I'd be on the payphone trying to get blown or calling. And I'll not forget this one night, this girl came up to me, because Wednesday night was Army night. Yeah, always. It was Tuesday, through Sunday, Tuesday through Saturday. And either Tuesday night or Wednesday night was Army. Yeah.

And I'm not kidding you. It was the second night of the week. The second night of the week was Army. Yeah. What, at an Army base? At this particular club. A particular club, Wednesday night was Army night. Okay.

Because there was a base really close. There was a base really close. So I'll never forget that I'm at the thing. Some girl comes over, a very sweet-looking girl. I mean, did I have a chance? No. We were just talking. Sure.

Are you from L.A.? And you've really been in a movie. We started talking. One thing led to another. She goes, do you drink? Yeah, let me buy you a drink. And okay, you know, at the time I drank a little bit, I was at least sociable then with caboos.

And I had a drink. And she goes, I'm going to go back in with my car. girlfriends I'll come back. Thank you for talking to me and she came out and her and her girlfriends and then we took they took me up to the corner yeah and they'll pass on we talked and her she's like I gotta get out of here with you

I bought like a grandma blow I already had it in my pocket and we went back to the fucking thing and there was a bottle of wine a couple beers in there from the week before and we started drinking and I don't know guys what I was thinking I don't know what I was thinking I was supposed to think anything

and I was in the back and doing little bumps I didn't want him back. You know, the girl looked very clean cut. Fuck, no. You know, one of the times I went in the bathroom, I came out, she was balls ass naked. And God knows what happened. You know, I don't, I don't, I don't, in those days I didn't bring, I would like to have condoms. Right.

So sometimes you go down on them, they go down and you're finished and you go home, whatever. That was it. You can learn to have fun and play. She did blow. Then we realized she did blow. Right. She stood out to like five 30 in the morning. I slept all day.

The headline was kind of pissed. He's like, I heard you out of. I don't know who the fucking headliner was. Oh, they always do that. And you get late in the headline it doesn't. Oh, man, they get plans. And I don't think I fucked. I just think she was naked playing with herself or whatever, doing craziness out there.

And do you know that for, like, I didn't take her name. I didn't take her number. She just left and said, I've got to go home. I'm going to take a shower and go right to work. Thursday night, I forgot all about it. Yeah. You know, Friday night, she came back. And she goes, Joey, come here.

I want you to meet my husband. I nearly fucking die. Oh, fuck. And I didn't, you know, and I went back to the room. And it teaches you about. people yes I learned a lot about that lessons about people yeah man is their trust or whatever I mean who walks in at 5 30 in the morning whose husband says where the fuck you you been right no shit you know what the fuck were you were happy a shit kissing this shit

had a situation they're probably into it who I never know she didn't come back and she didn't come back and talk to me about it or nothing she waved I met her husband oh she was great yeah boom they walked away and she just sat there yeah we had a great time the other night, whatever the fuck. Then there was another time in Miami with a girl. Two weeks I dated her in Miami, driving her car. It was crazy. And Sunday night.

What happens? Sunday night, I look at her hand and she's got a wedding band. And I go, what's up? We're talking. She goes, I'm getting married in three months. So after tonight, there's no chitter-chatter. There's no conversation. And I go, where is this guy?

And she goes, he's a weatherman on television. So he has to be there at four in the morning, three in the morning. So during the week, I don't see him. And also, and it hit me, I wouldn't see you Friday or Saturday. She would show back on the club Sunday night, like Chip Jop Magoo. And this Sunday night was, I didn't see it. She goes, I want to see you before you leave Monday. And she goes, listen, this take my fucking number.

Dad. Like, take it out. I'm getting married. And let me tell you something. That was 1998. Yeah. And last year, when I went to Miami, I played a restaurant. Okay.

Miami now has, Miami doesn't have an improv anymore. Like, like, Holfield is it? Home field. Yeah, sports. So home field sports contacted the improv. We do comedy, book them. So they called me and they go, they want you to come down. So I went down there.

Friday night when I'm walking on stage, she grabbed me after fucking 16 years. That's fucking, oh, man. Do you remember me? And I go, no. And she goes, she took her glasses off. I go, oh my God. But she was craziest girl. She dated the singer from Van Halen.

Oh, David Lee Rob. This girl was a savage. She was blonde, beautiful, bikini. Her husband or her dad. Her dad owned an Audi dealership. Oh, wow. Or like a Mercedes dealership or a Porsche dealership. So she lived in a high rise on the beach.

She had three different cars in her fucking driveway in her little parking garage. What did she expect when she talked to you now? Was she like, let's do it again? Probably just want to say, hey. I said hello to when you came home. No, I know what you did. I'm just saying, was she like, let's do it again. game or nothing no right just came to see the show yeah she came to see the show and it was me yeah

and she was in holy shit jib ride dude i was good one of the craziest nights i had was in uh oklahoma city at the looney bed and i was featuring for this comic who you know just remain nameless but nice enough guy but shit man so what and about the trust thing there's this girl just gorgeous she was like six one beautiful statuess is just stunning and she was at the show and she walks up to get skis he goes oh it's a little bit drunks you guys are so great blah blah blah and her husband was with her husband was right there with her and he goes he's about to go hunting and it was one of the stupid redneck shit where they leave at like midnight and they're not back and you know for another two days or whatever right and because he's going hunting for

the weekend and it's just going to be me and he takes off to go hunting with his friends from the club and she's there and she goes well do y'all want to come back to my place fucking like the husband just left right And of course, the other comments Like, fuck yeah, we're going. So I had to drive. And I'm driving me and the headliner. It was actually just a headliner myself and a bartender from the club.

A woman or a man? Man. She's three dudes. Three dudes she brings back to her place. And I'm sitting there, dude. I was like fucking scared, man. I was one of my first times on the road, Joey. I'm just sitting there like, I'm not going to do anything.

I'm just going to sit here. You know, and then sure enough, we're hanging out. And she had a pot leaf framed in a picture. and she also had this knife that she bought her husband that had like some message on it like engraved like I will love you forever

it was like this really pretty hunting knife that the blade she got in good that was sitting there and then she's just talking she flashes us and then the bartender just goes to fuck her like he just takes her to her bedroom

and starts fucking her and as he's fucking her the headliner grabs the frame pot leaf he steals a knife and then they have like 300 bucks cash and a buy. He just took that. And he looks to me and goes,

that guy came find his way home. We're getting the fuck out of here right now. And I'm like, fuck. So we just fucking, we just left. It was the craziest. And I'm just scared shitless the whole drive. Like, something's going to fucking happen. Like something's going to fucking happen. Did you see the chick the rest of the week? Never saw her again.

She never came back. That was a first night. That was on fucking Wednesday night. Whatever it was. That was the first night of the fucking run, too. So I was, the whole weekend, I'm like, any minute now they're going to come back. And then we're back at the condo and the headliner, just the whole weekend, just had the knife and was just throwing it up against a wall at night. It was just the middle of the night. And I'd go downstairs the first of what the fuck is that?

And it was just him. He would take the knife out, pitch black darkness, throw it up against a wall again. By the time we left, there was like 40 fucking cuts in the wall. Yeah, that's the fucking one I could do. It was crazy, man. I was like, fuck, I was just right here. Oh, man, it was. Sometimes on the road, like, I would go, the craziest things that happened to me weren't with women.

It was just drugs. See, I was going into some dark fucking places, man Jesus Was there ever a moment You're like, you know what? This isn't worth it Was there ever like we're maybe right when it started Or right?

You know what? This was not worth. Oh, it was always worth it Just that's the darkness for me That was the real darkness for me Some nights going to cop It's funny, I was telling me My friend got shot in Florida

Saturday night He got shot Friday A kid I grew up with And he got blasted, you know, and they found them in a parking lot. And today I was talking to my friend. And I'm like, you know, that's what happens when you go to? And she's like, what do you think he was doing? Oh, he's looking for birds.

He was fucking buying drugs, you know. They found them at 4 in the afternoon. He could have been there. God. You know, he left that morning, you know, guys. I remember one time, and I told this story last week because I was in Perrysburg. And I had said, I always got bad luck in burgs. because I was in

I was in Sunkinburg, West Virginia, and I heard these guys, and I was like, that's when I was on a roll. Like I had just done the Taco Bell commercial that just sent me $60,000,

so I'm throwing away blow. And I go to fucking, I got a pocket full of fucking cash. I go to West Virginia, and nobody's got cocaine. Wednesday, I asked the waitstaff. Oh, yeah.

Wednesday, the waitstaff was like, nah. Thursday, the waitstaff is like, nah. Friday, they're like, no, there's no cocaine. I mean, this is West Virginia, coal miners. You can't say fuck on stage at some of the one-nighters. The one-night there was a ping-pong table. Did they put like a sheet over with bricks underneath?

And you couldn't curse. It was a college. It was fucking horrible. Wait, you had to stand on a ping-ponged? With little stairs on the side. They double-reinforced it for fat people. How big were you? 300 pounds.

And it didn't break? I don't fucking know Lee. They reinforced the fucking thing. Oh, my God. Because I even asked them. I go, that's not going to hold me. Like, look, when they're not going to work. They turn into like a brick stage.

That's the place where they're outside of contract. They wanted you to give them $25 for every time you said, fuck. Wow. And I go, I'm not going up. Call the fucking booking agent. It's saying happening. And that night, I went into the bathroom. I heard the guys going, and when they got out, I go, what's up, man?

They're like, hey, man, you're funny. And I go to me. I said something. Can you get me some more? Can you sell me something? They're like, we're done, but we'll get you something. Come on. And me and Vinnie Coppola had a rental car.

Go, Vinny, give me the fucking car. He's like, where you going? Don't worry about. Call me when you get back, and I fucking left them. And I followed these guys into weeds and fucking bushes and, you know, cornfields. It was like an hour of driving. All of something we get there, they go into a trailer. And they come on.

The guy goes, how much you want. I go, get like a gram, a hundred bucks. You go, a hundred bucks. I'll get you a pound. And I knew something wasn't right I go, a pound for a hundred bucks And he came out and he gave me a fucking baggie And I go, what is it? He's like, crack

Oh, that's the best shit in West Virginia Speed, this guy's been up for three months With one batch and I'm like, really? That she'll kill you. Give me that motherfucker home I did a couple bumps I was fucked up Jack Did you guys ever get arrested on the run? I did. I've never been luckily now

What was that like? I got arrested for fucking seven hours in Idaho, in Twin Falls or something like that. For what? For shoplifting a tent. In those days, I used to be a professional fucking tent. I used to be a professional. Any Kmart I saw, this was before they all got out to different computers. You had two free returns at Kmart before they put you on file.

Oh, wow. So if you went to Kmart the first time, like something for $90 and said, And I, my brother got me these floor mats that I already had them. I bought them three days earlier. Can you return to your receipt? Not really. They just scanned it to see if they come from that store. You know, I wouldn't walk out of the store.

I just take them. And instead of walking out of the store, just walk up to the counter. Walk right up to the counter. I just broke. And those days didn't even think of looking at film. Right, right, right, right. They weren't a depth of film yet, you know. So I would go up to the counter and go, I need these.

They give me back cash. Okay, you go to that same store a week later, you make sure the same girl's not working. Right. I didn't the one I got these last week. Okay, and she'll give you receipt, and they'll give you cash out of the petty cash. But I think the third time,

they'll fucking take your license in those days and write your license information. Now any time after that, you had a problem. Right, right, right, right. So I was banging this out everywhere. Anytime I needed money on a triple one, I just going to a Camo. I ain't doing.

I just bought this toaster for $200. Okay, sign it. you know, $2.15 plus tax. Didn't give you the tax back. That's fucked up when you're stealing tax and fucking Kmart. And I'm banging these out in metropolitan cities. I'm going to Baltimore.

Right. And those days, I worked Denver. I lived in the Denver area and I would dress up in the mornings. This was my season. The day after Thanksgiving is when it starts, and it goes straight to Valentine's Day. When this time of the year was coming around,

I was excited because that meant there was no job for Uncle Joey. I had one job. I had one job and I can break it into one day, just go out and rob. And this is how I live from 94 to like 98. And I got busted doing it in

96 and 97. Damn. In Twin Falls, Idaho. I would just go anywhere I saw Kama, Walmart, anything like that, just take some cappuccino machines were big. Oh, right. Right. In 95, I was banging out 300 a day. One cappuccino machine.

Every mall I saw, I banged out a cappuccino machine. Some days I came home with 1,500. Oh, my God. I'm surprised you didn't get caught more. It's a different world back then, dude. It was crazy. 20 years ago, we weren't really, now, no. Now they go, okay, let's look at the camera.

They just go to a camera, and they'll see you walked in with nothing. You know what guys used to do back when I used to work at Best Buy? Way back in the days, in the 90s, they would take, they would hollow out a speaker box and just fill it with shit. And so a box you would get like a big, whatever speaker, right? You know, you know, those tall, remember those tall, big cardboard box?

They would just fill it with product and they would just pay $120 for that one speaker. They would take the box up that. We would get, you know, swindled with that all the time. And you just leave. And then fucking all this product, they would have to go return in another store, some crazy shit. And it would make, you can make so much money doing that. It's amazing how it's,

people are i worked at cvs and people would take big like the big like old navy shopping bags right and wrap it in tinfoil and then put another one but try to make it like just one bag sure and the big thing they would steal was crush white strips because they were so expensive and they would just go we had videos of people who go and running out so we that's why like when you go to like a cvs and you see like the weird stuff they have behind there it's because the people steal it you know what one time this uh when i worked the best buy this was i didn't i wouldn't even narrow that I was kind of bummed that I missed it. So they'd gotten these new $1,000 camcorders, right?

I don't know if you remember Best Spies used to have their backstock was sometimes up in cages above the regular aisles, right? And so this kid was up there. He had just put all these camcorders in, and the scam was genius. Like, as he's up there on the ladder, right, this woman is like, sir, can he help me play? He's being really annoying. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he just rushes down to help her, and she takes him over there, and he leaves that cage wide open. Dude, like

30 of them were gone. Like 30, her husband went up, got them all and just walked right out. Like it was shit like that. Dude, it was crazy how people were. You just can't do that now. I'll tell you how good I was, Lee. I was thinking about contacting these companies and telling them are you fucking retarded?

Like, I'm making a fucking living. I'm making $10,000 a month robbing you guys. That's just me. Right. This way. I can't imagine who else is robbing. Yeah. How many millions are millions you're getting robbed. That's how good I was, Lee.

When I went back to Boulder in 94, in 93, I robbed. Like, beside the sports betting job I had, and I'm ashamed to say this, that's all I did. I got to the point where I would just go in front of Kmart with my bicycle and hang out. A grown man with a bicycle. And I look for people coming out dropping receipts. Oh, yeah. That happens all the time.

And I'd pick up a receipt, $40 on men. That's good. I got weed and I got lunch. Now I need a new receipt. That's the way to do it. That's how I did it. I just wait there. Because nobody keeps a receipt.

Everybody tosses them. I see people dropping receipts. One time somebody dropped a fucking loan more receipt for four bills. No way. I took the receipt and I took it all the way to Longmont, Colorado and went to that Kmart. And I took a lawnmower, brought it up, got the four bills back, kept the receipt. I just had it just in case. And I went back to Boulder, brought back the fucking loanmore.

I made a little more. made 800 for the fucking day. Damn. Plus tax. I would hit the Westminster Mall, more Boulder Mall, Longmont Mall. I would go all the way to Cheyne, Wyoming. And I would right where I went down. This is how fucking crafty I was.

So I wouldn't go back for two places. No evidence. I would just put 1015. They could be doing anything. Aurora. That's it. Yeah. You didn't know what it said. Yeah, but meeting the friends for not.

Not even quick. Meet an end of lunch. That's Law and Order 101. No. You're meeting a friend from lunch. If you put Boulder Mall at 320, that's fucking... But if I just put more, they don't know if I put... Dude, you could say you had a job in you, whatever, like that.

So I would know where I would be the week before, so I wouldn't go back. I would never go back. I had like a little calendar, and I just put like bees on it. I had no Westminster. Aurora. Fucking, I hit every... Arvada. I hit every mall that had a fucking came on all the way in the state of Colorado.

then I would just start all over here, from Wyoming all the way to fuck down. Did you have like a company list, or how did you find them? Well, you just drove around. I just drove around until I saw them all. Off to one, off to 70 or the I-25. You just got those two. All right. John Elwayville.

Oh, that fuck, all those bills in Denver. I used to rob. So wait, when you got arrested, on your gig, did you make the next gig? I made the gig. That's awesome. They let me out on my own reconnaissance. I told him to suck my dick. There's still a warrant in Twin Falls and missed him to meet a warrant.

How long is that last? Who the fuck? That's crazy. Yeah, fuck, you're never going to go back to the twin ball. I ain't fishing no more. My fishing days are over. You know what I'm saying? I got a warrant someday.

Oh, fuck. I don't know people are very upset right now. I ain't fucking going there, Jack. These people that want to go back and I'll sneak in, fuck you. Yeah. There's no reason for me to fucking sneak in back. It's funny because I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get a passport, but I want to know or I'm not going to spend unnecessary money.

So the passport's the first thing. If these people fucking, it's all in, the paperwork's all in. These people approve me, fuck Seattle and fuck that warrant. I'll just go to Cuba. Yeah? If Canada, if I could find a way to definitely enter Canada. Like I got an attorney right now that's answering questions and you have to fill out a form and the exact gig, we're going to probably go to Calgary.

If I could go there with that warrant, not, now if Canada goes, you could come in, but you've got to take that warrant in Seattle. I don't take care of the warrant in Seattle. Right. The only travel I want to do right now is a passport. what to go to Cuba and maybe go to London to see my Irish buddies over there maybe to Australia. But Canada's too strict. They're not going to let me and they're

going to break my fucking balls. What are you giggling about, Lee? I'm just imagining like Calgary exploding right now. Like, if I do you're like... Well, there's a comedy club up there that I work in Minneapolis. They have that. How was that one in Minneapolis? The house? I love it. Because I'm doing the one in Phoenix

in a couple of weeks. Yeah, I love it. He's a great guy. I met him in Montreal. The Mall of America, man, you walk around. Yeah. I'll probably fucking, you know, I'll do a couple things. I'm only that Thursday through Sunday. It's so weird. You stay in town.

The only advantage I have of staying in town is that I get to see my family. Sure. The whole week, I get to hang out with Lee a little bit. But besides that, I got to tell you, I'm just becoming a professional work outter. Yeah? That's all I do is I'm a professional worker out. I did a kettleball workout out for a little bit. that would have made you fucking drool.

What did you do? I did five sets of squats, five sets of cleans, five sets of one arm curls, and then five sets of two-arm swings. Do you see the video he put up today? No. He put up a video of this guy

doing one-arm swings with a hundred and six pound. Oh, my God. Who is this? The guy who teaches us. Oh, nice. Yogi Steve. We go Tuesday morning. You swing by your child.

How's your back? You're all fucking. It's way better. See, you're all Jim and Goo-out. What's going on with the ex-girlfriend? You see anymore the blonde? She still at the bookstore. She took the job.

Dude, she fucking took the job. She took my dog. She took my cat. And now she fucked off and went to Ohio. Oh, she went back? She didn't even have the pets anymore. That's fucked. That's what hurts the most.

I miss my dog. I miss my cat. She gave the cat and the dog away. Yeah. Yeah. You blew nuts. She gave the dog to her fucking dad who lives up in Cleveland. She went to Cincinnati.

And then I think the cat is here with her old friend. It's like, man, fuck that. Fucking crazy shit. Why'd she go back to Cincinnati for? She didn't have a bad of you. Yeah, I know. She was a young girl. Yeah.

That's what happened. It's what happens to. You're over there's hiding the fuck steel in the fucking cradle. Banging fucking young chicks and shit. Hey, man, that's what you get, right? So I can't believe you have been watching. That's your fucking, they were talking. That's your show.

I was watching something the other day, and they talked a lot about Laredo. Narcos? There was something else I was watching. Drugs Inc. and they were talking about how drugs come up and the big port now is Laredo Oh yeah Everybody's fucked up in Laredo

They don't know what's what The fucking gangs Dude Laredo is But it's always been that way Like there was you know My mom told me a story There was a dude there who was like the mayor For like 40 years

Like I was this guy That thing that isn't possible But yeah Like that always happened He's like this guy was a mayor When I was fucking When my mom was a kid, that guy was a fucking mayor, you know, like that's how shit happens out there.

Like, it's so fucking crazy, man. Like, it's, yeah, it's, oh, God, it was when I, you know, my, my, my uncle, you know, he's not rich. He, he just had his own business, you know, worked hard, had his own business. He never had, he wasn't, like, rolling in cash. But just because he owned his own business, one day, I was babysitting his two sons, my little cousins, right? We were just sitting there playing football in the yard, all that stupid shit.

video games and I get a phone call. He goes, hey, you with the boys right now? And I go, yeah, yeah, why? He goes, just go inside if you don't mind. I was like, yeah, what's up? Turns out that he just got a call saying, hey, we know where your kids are. We're going to go get them unless you give us 10 grand. Like, we get phone calls I got all the time. And none of them was, it was all just people desperate trying to, but enough of that kidnapping shit happens that people fall for it.

And like, okay, you know, like, it's, yeah, it's, dude, Laredo's a fucking crazy place. I mean, I love it. It's, you know, it's home. but man oh it's uh yeah when you're close to those

borders Lee you get some good fucking drugs oh man when I used to go to El Paso oh my God I used to be

bouncing the fucking whole five days I was there there was some coke all you had to was look at it you got

fucked up what's up what's up we're coming from the acid trip Monday night bro

we had a 250 I thought about this what did you think about Lee I had a 250 milligram to sue of you To soothe you win.

I know. Still, smoked a joint, did a dab, and then took one of the strongest tithes of acid, I can imagine. It was crazy. Listen, sometimes you do a drug, an edible. Like, there was an edible we did a couple weeks ago, but I went home. I said, okay, I'm hungry.

I'm not going to overdo it. Let me just eat an apple, and my wife gets a bunch of fruit. And at night, I'll attack that first. and the fucking fruit. Like sometimes you go home and there's like egg salads. Sure. And I'll get like two four saltine crackers and I'll eat a little bit of egg salad with four crackers. And I'm good for the night.

I'll drink the water. I drink a little coffee. I'll watch TV. This one that I ate every. Once I ate that banana and that apple, like it's set my appetite into people will not even. You can't eat. If you eat, you fail. You fail.

You fail. And especially if you do. do edibles on a day of like kettlebells and even when you're moving metal right like monday lee and i went to jihitsu and i totally on the way i'm gonna leave feel your legs they're sweating we worked out today it's a hundred degree you know well you're hungry that's one hungry but that's it i did like today i did a good kettlebell worker i know tonight you feel about 11 30 oh my god you're at but you gotta go to bed you got to go to bed you got I drink coffee and go to bed.

Like a cup of decaf. Really? Get you and go to bed because anything after, like by 1120, I'm looking at my fingers. Like maybe I should just bite one of my fucking. Like you get so high. Like one saying, okay, I eat all the fruit. I eat all the almonds. You know, because I got 100 calorie bags of almonds.

Once I eat three of those, then let's it. If I eat three bags of almonds and I'm still fucking hungry, I start on the leftovers. And once I kill the leftovers, you know, like sometimes that's three different leftovers. Yeah. There's not enough for a meal. But if you eat the three leftovers together, it's okay. It's a meal. Yeah, I love those plates.

But I did one of those. I had to be two weeks ago, an edible kettlebell day. Fucking, I went home. I ate the fruit, the fucking, the three leftovers. Then I started eyeballing the salami. The ham and cheese, my wife gets ham and cheese. I told him, stop, but the fucking dink sliced ham and cheese. We had no bread at the house.

Okay. haven't had white bread in fucking much. Do white bread is the devil, dude. White bread is evil, bro. Listen, when I'm stoned, again, I'll just take a tub out of butter. And I just sit there with a knife and make white bread with butter. And I'll have ten of you. You could toss it too.

Now, what's sad is that white bread is so bad for you, but white bread and butter is the best fucking snack on the fucking planet. Oh, my God. It is. It's just amazing late night. How much heat the other night when I went home on that acid. I was, I got. I went home. Well, I got high at the weed first.

I called him, and we got really high outside. By the time I went upstairs, my wife was awake. And the baby was awake. Then that weren't out. She was in the room. I could hear her in there. No, I'm not. I was going to say, tell her that story real quick because it was funny.

What? No, I not. No, I not. Oh, she's a fucking trick. Those are two favorite words. No, I not. No problem. Thank you.

No problem. If you say thank you, there's no problem. You should just walk away and shit. Do Mercy's a badass dude? Today, I told my wife, I was like, I'm going to make hamburgers and fries. I'm going to bake these healthy French fries. I said, then the house is going to be 2,000 degrees. We're about the air of the heat storm here this weekend.

It's going to be 100 tomorrow. 105. Yeah, dear. It'll be fucking hot the next two days. We're sweating tomorrow morning, Doug. Oh, yeah, oh, damn it. It's going to get cold again. It's going to get cold again.

Next week. Next week. Yeah, that's it's mid-oct. The hottest month in California is September. Yes. That's what people do not realize. They never get it. It's not August.

Like tomorrow and that's, that'll be it hopefully. Listen, I don't give a fuck. You know, we're so spoiled out here. It doesn't really fucking matter. A couple of more weeks of this year is fine. You know, yeah. But the other night, I really, Lee said, I had a big problem when I was a kid.

Like, I liked to triple. When I heard Ozzy Osbourne on Ferries wear boots, smoking and tripping is all that you do. I lost my fucking mind. You know, what people don't realize is, okay, let's say, uh, let's just fucking LeBron. Yeah? LeBron takes a picture tonight.

Just us fucking around. LeBron takes a picture of himself with a certain type of water and he Instagram and he has a million followers. Right. 10% of people are going to buy that water. No question. It just makes sense. Here's what you got to understand.

When I was a kid, when I heard the beat, I didn't like the fucking Beatles. but when I heard that they went to India and did acid and came back and their music change okay that was one thing that was okay that was one testimony then I heard then I heard Hendrix used to put it on his band and it would sweat through his fucking

into his eyeballs I don't fucking know I'm not gonna quote I've heard that too though I know he ate a lot of acid okay and I listened to his music and I was like god damn then there were like three other people who I know that talked about acid So acid always had a high testimonial with me. I knew eventually, once I loved Riefer, like how much I really liked Riefer,

there's a scene that I call Lee right away. The reason why I like this Narcos so much is because I think the guys are great actor. You know what Pablo Escobar looks like. It's like this black kid that played James Brown. He did a great job as James Brown. But this guy has something. Oh, he's Escobar? That's what he's playing?

No, no. This guy that's playing Escobar and Narcos is a Brazilian guy. Everybody knocks him for his Spanish. Everybody who's Spanish, it's like when I went to see Scarface, I was a little insulted at first. It doesn't matter. It's Appetito. Who gives a fuck what he says? Right, right.

I don't care if he fucks up the words. It's a movie. This guy, it's not that he's created this. He's such a great actor. Like I told Lee, if this guy was English or Australian, everybody would know about Nichols. Oh, my God. He's so good. But he's a fucking half a spick.

Right. He's a half a spick. So fuck him. He's not that good looking. He's skinny. But he plays. fat. Yeah.

Sometimes he goes like this with his stomach and he puts his sneakers on and he walks around and he plays fat. But the beginning of episodes. Wagner. Wagner. The beginning of the beginning of episode 8 or 9, he's at the jail. It's called La Cateiro. Okay.

La Cathedral. Yeah. And it opens up with him looking at a truck getting unloaded. And you see it going into the port and they're like, what is it? And the guys like, it's sheets, it's plumbing materials, it's uniform for the guards. Okay, guy passes it through. He pulls him to the jail. He opens him to the back.

It's fucking filled with chicks. Bags are blow. Fucking fish tanks filled with lobsters. You know, a gambling casino. People, the guards are gambling, the gambling casinos. And people are yelling and screaming. The women are going into the casino. They're playing cards.

He's upstairs. He's ahead of the fucking game. He's looking at the mountains. He's looking at what's going on. He's hearing what's going on. And all of a sudden, you just, see this thing in the picture that's going like this.

It's a pop plant. The wind's blowing it. He looks at the pop plant. So here in a fucking jail, like you just unloaded casino material, chicks, they just unloaded a party in anybody's world

in a prison. You're supposed to be in jail. Right. But to top it off, you're growing weed. The best weed in the world. He looks at the plant. He walks over to it. you see him scraped through the fucking leaves there's a butt hanging there he gets the bud and he goes

and he closes his eyes and then while I'm looking at him like only I would do something like that like he's in heaven he's sniffing that bird they're all downstairs with broads and whatever he sniffs it he looks at it he clips it and he puts in his top pocket and he walks there

and that's the whole scene it's a six minute scene of him just inhaling the weed you know oh that's great so that's a time Testimonial. Like this guy, I loved that whole. So the first time I did acid,

I was like, I don't remember when or with who. I don't remember. I know I liked it because it took my mind somewhere else. And I was telling Lee that night. When I got up the next one, I hit Lee with 22 fucking ideas.

Acid is basically putting you in a room with no, let me tell you some guys, you really want to write really good comedy. Wake up, get a cup of coffee, whatever you do in the morning. Don't turn nothing out. Right. Don't get stimulated by anything. No stimulation.

Sit there for two hours with a pen and a piece of paper. Have your coffee. Let the coffee stimulate you a little bit. If you want to smoke a half a joint, maybe take two pups of a cigarette. Whatever you do, no stimulation from television, magazines, no thoughts shoved into your mind. No commercials, nothing. Sit there for an hour and watch where your mind will go. Do that for eight hours, which is unheard of. But when you're in prison, that's what happens. That's what they mentioned solitude.

Because your mind goes somewhere else. You get to a different level with your mind on your own terms. When you do acid, if it's really good acid, it'll break you down. And Lee was like, how many times did you do that growing up? After my mother died, I was so confused. It didn't really matter what I felt like. The acid would make me normal. The acid, I would go home and I and put on sabotage,

and that would give me the answer to all my problems. if I listen to sabotage or a hole in the sky I would be fine after I go to sleep like a fucking champion the next day I'd be energetic all my mind was on cylinders that's what acid is for me

and it always has been over the years I haven't been that high like that way in 15 years no 9085 was the real last time I really really

really got fucking baked on acid like Jesus I was seeing things and lights The other night, I didn't get to that level, but with another hit, oh, I would have gone right over the fucking... Does acid have a little bit of, not speed, but like... Yeah, rat poison. Oh, my God.

What? Rat poison. That's what gets you all fucking amped. Yeah, because, like, it was crazy, man. I texted you at five in the morning to get breakfast. I was done already. And you wouldn't have been able to eat, because once you go to get the breakfast, the acid kicks back up, because we were smoking. the joint. See, I keep the ass

coming back with joints. That's why I said to you Sunday night, we were all 15 fucking joints. Well, you didn't give me any. I gave you one that. No, he did. We smoked one that night. We did the bath. Yeah, but I needed one or five in the morning. I started, I organized my fucking bathroom. It was

crazy. It was, like, the letters were moving on my phone. I was just sitting there getting giggling about myself. He wouldn't fucking answer the phone. I finally went to bed. I think at one 15. I was so fucking high. And I was laying on this side.

I could feel my heart beating on it. Because once you start thinking about it, so once I flipped over, I didn't want my heart and my wife to feel my heart beating. But once I flipped over, I was fine. I went right to bed. I got up a couple times. Like I woke up thinking I can't believe I fell asleep. You have those

acid dreams and shit like that. That's crazy. I tried to jack off to go to bed and it wouldn't work. No, you can't whack off on that. That's no sex on that. shit. Oh, Jesus. The sex is good if you were the freak that's on ass and she's working your horn and she's putting fingers up

your ass. I took a lot of shits. Do you shit a lot on acid? No, that was the speed. Or maybe it was a subway because that... Yeah, well, the subway too is disgusting. Who would go to the subway on acid? Only this fucking jewelry. No, because I was high from the edible and I didn't

have dinner. So I was, I just went and got a turkey something. A turkey fucking sub. That's what made your shit. Don't blame it the ass and that's up. But it lit that ass to the See, when you went to eat, I was like, that's it, he's going to go to bed. And then I drank

caught. I did something. And I was off and running. I'm like, oh, my God. I am fucking blasted. This cannot be. And I did a periscope. I was giggling. I went outside and I smoked. I smoked. And when I almost fell down the stairs, I tell you that,

on the ass, I didn't know. I was an inch from falling down the fuck on my front stairs. I went to pop up and I'm like, shit and I put my weight down and almost fell I fell over the kettlebell my wife left south outside I had really like dark thoughts it was weird what kind of dark thoughts like yeah like I like I felt bad for a minute like for dating Paula like I was like she could have like a lawyer boyfriend or something like that and not have to deal with like a create like this craziness and like the crazy people on Twitter and like weird stuff like that

and then I was like thinking about just me doing acid it's it's weird it's weird for me, man. You did all this stuff as a kid. I didn't. Did you ever dream of doing acid? Not even closed. This was told from like fifth grade. They had dare. Did you put music on that night? No. No. No, next time we'll bring it music in.

There you go. We're going to dark and they get some candles. Sunday night we're doing an acid fucking podcast. Oh, nice. Me, Ari, and Leah pop into it. We got Anaki Edibles sponsor the podcast. That's great. We got fucking some ref. We're going to roll a few joints. And then

Someone's going to fall down those stairs. We might have to bring like an air elizer in here. No, we'll smoke in here. Let me give some shoutouts real quick here. My man, Harry, who came to the storyteller show, he's not happening. He got there late. He knows I love him.

Mike Rowlett, Ryan Murphy, Rob Lawler, Sergeant Cassidy over there, fucking holding it down. Ricky Neb, 2, Will Fredo Dissler, Amy, my buddy, one-by-one podcast, and Nolan E3. couple shoutouts for you fucking savages and shit out there and podcastville

look at your little scarf I love it you guys like music and we're talking about the beat like it's 2015 the Beatles broke up in 71 or something like that not even yeah you know when I was growing up

everybody wouldn't shut the fuck up about the Beatles you know it wouldn't they wouldn't shut the fuck up about the fuck up. They would not shut the fuck up. The Beatles are getting back together, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, fucking Paul McCarthy's writing some monsters. He wrote Monsters in the 70, and John Lennon's firing at him, and George Harrison wrote 33 and the third.

Ringo Starr is just Ringo Starr. He's somewhere jumping up and trying to put an All-Star band together with a bunch of fucking addicts and shit, and they've got to cancel the tour, 12 dates in, nobody's showing up no more. Ringo, we thought it was a joke, though. We don't want to play with you. You're a fucking joke. But it was It was really weird How people had hope

And somebody had put The kids I hung out with Hated two people in Jersey In high school I hung out with these guys And they hated two bands The Beatles To hang out with these guys

You had to hate two bands The Beatles and Bruce Springston Like Bruce Springsteen Came out of the party You had to leave Or break the fucking record player Like that's it Like you had to fucking

Do something for the record play You couldn't be around the music No We were not allowed in music I did not even consider. I had one friend I did... Do 10th Avenue freeze out as a fucking jam. That's my jam.

That's my jam. That's my jam. That's the only jam I listen to it. It was on today, live. It was on today live, and it was pretty impressive how he did it. He introduced the band before he did it. Pretty fucking cool. But I'll never forget that John Lennon got shot on a Monday night.

Monday night football. On Tuesday night, I'm walking into school in that portrait of the Beatles. Right. Somebody had already put an X on John Lerner. That's how much. much they hated the Beatles the dudes that live we walked by and they're like what that there was an ex on his head we were fucking dying one down three to go one down three to fucking go it's not that I hated the Beatles it's that the kids that wore the

Beatles you got sick of them yeah I got sick of those motherfuckers it wasn't until 1983 so I went to Aspen that there was a bunch of beetle apps the guys that in the daytime if you hear you can play music all right there by myself and you know elevation smoking wheat you gotta put music on to settle you and that would rubber soul i started getting into those and and i said sergeant peppers and uh and that's when i learned about the beetles sitting there by myself i really learned a lot about the without nobody forcing them down my throat i broke down the music by myself and said this is fucking brilliant then i listened to all the paul mccartney stuff and john lennon stuff and you know woman is the nigger of the world i mean he's got

some fucking crazy shit you John Lennon, and I didn't get into it as much as I thought, you know, but it was very interesting. Like, there's bands to me that people say, oh my God, and you bring it home, and this is garbage. It's just some guy, you know. The Beatles was something for me that was an education.

Later on, I'm happy. I didn't get into the Beatles when I was 16. I'm happy I got into them. I was in my 20s. And then again, like an 80, before I got locked up, I got into a, I hated those early shit. Love Me Do.

Oh, that nonsense? No. No, no, none of that shit works in my world. I like the craziness. I like let it be. When it starts with Revolver and Rubber Soul, those two when they get when they're like, fuck it. It's just brilliant shit. Yeah, man.

And I didn't know at that time. You know, it's really weird if you're young, you listen to the podcast. You like a certain type of music. And right now you're saying that other music sucks. Ten years from now, you're not going to feel like that. Yeah. Your music catalog is going to expand. And people are going to giggle at you in the ship.

You don't give a fuck. Then it's going to expand again. Then it's going to expand again. I remember going from heavy metal to Charday and going, what the fuck is going? I bought the first two Charday albums. Those are brilliant. Brilliant.

It's a great fucking records, man. Just amazing music. And people go, I can't believe you have Charday. I don't listen to the first two albums, dog. Shade will knock your fucking Sopso. You know, I remember buying Rick James. I remember buying all different type of fucking music. My dad was like that.

He would listen every, he had me listen to everything. The Beatles one day, the who the neck. Metallica. He was one who called me up and told me about grunge when I was a kid because you got to hear this shit, man. Like he fucking like he all all that shit he would listen from you know the Beatles to like that fucking acid jazz type Mahavishnu progressive jazz shit like all that stuff. Dude just listen to everything. And yeah, you can if you really love music, you can appreciate what's great about every facet of it like any type of genre, anything. It's like, oh man. And the Beatles at one point, you were talking about their solo shit.

I'm still not convinced that they weren't still writing with each other, even though they'd broken up and we're talking all this shit, because their solo shit is still so fucking good. You know what I mean? But I'm like, if it finds out 10 years from now, oh, by the way, yeah, we were all writing each other's shit too back to, like, I would believe

it. If you guys like music, and we all do, we really, we really enjoy music. That's like you and I bonded with Chinese food of music. If you really like music, I wish that I was, I had it very special music-wise. Like I was very fortunate.

There always, people always talk about time machines. Oh, man. This fucking mom-mole. He was just looking at me like, fucking cross-side. People always talk to me about music in different areas.

And I'm an old man, and I'm out of touch. And I got to tell you something, man. If I could do it all over again, if I could go to a time machine, I'd want to get dropped in 1971. I was about to say 71 or 73. straight to 1980, straight to when John Bonham died.

Oh, yeah. Right there. That was the end of it all, right there. And then Ozzy Osbourne came and all that stuff with heavy metal. But I'm talking about when Paul McCartney was dueling Elton John, when Elton John ran this country. And we've had this discussion not with you on the podcast before. You know, I think I was on Joe's one time. We're talking about when Elton John ran this country, which was 72 to 70. He ran this country

And then he was running things But then Paul McCartney would show up With band on the run and fucking all Loves Me Do songs and all this shit Then John Lennon showed up with imagining And we're not one us And we're still not talking about what Led Zeppelin And UFO and the Stones were doing

And the shanker brothers And the fucking you know Pink Floyd was doing in 75 We're not even talking about all this You know I watched that show the 70s on CNN They did specials with Tom Hanks produced them In 1973, this country spent $2 billion on concert tickets. And if you look at just tonight, go home and Google, who was on tour in 1973?

Everybody. Everybody. The heart was on tour. You know, everybody was on fucking tour. I mean, that was the big thing. You went to see everybody, and nobody got all fucking tour. Right. Yes.

You know, all these bands, the who. Everybody toured every two or three years. The Stones came, what, 71, 73, 75? Don't quote me on that. but it was such a different fucking time. And no matter, you know, some people like the Elvis era. Some people say that Elvis era, I don't like the early stones, the early Beatles, or even the early stones as much.

There's a part where the stones where they pick up and they just blow my fucking doors off. Yeah, man. You know what? You know what my favorite stones is some girls, which is a lot of people don't like it, but I fucking love miss you. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, that's a one. Come on.

That was my freshman year, dog. That shit took me a phone. Some girls is the shit. That's a fucking. That album was taking motherfuckers apart. If you watch the beginning of that close range after Sean Penn has the beef, they fucking do that song. And it takes you right when, you know, when you do the soundtrack to your life, you think of those summers. You think of every summer.

Like the biggest summer for me was, you know, Peter Frampton comes a lot. Yeah. Jesus Christ, that was the summer of 76. No matter where you went, I still remember the summer when it was, hey, hey, hey, my, my. Battle, battle, battle. BADOM BAN BADO Rock and roll Will never die

That is the shit Bannum, bannum, bannum, bannum, This is your biography, these are things that the footnotes, this is what you remember. Whenever you're watching a movie and they go back and they flash back, what's the first when they drop on you? The music.

The music. The music. The music. To bring you right back there. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Bam, bam, bam, bam. That's still a shit. That's still the fucking. 16-year-old Steve Winwood.

He was 16, singing that fucking song. That's what's crazy. Imagine being 16 years old and singing the way he sang in that fucking song. That is crazy. That's song, man, though. Steve Wood, oh, was it? Yeah, Spencer Davis Group. Give me some loving.

Give me some shit, man. That is a fucking. He's fucking 16 years old. They said he sounded like a Ray Charles. I read something once. And they were like, he drove people crazy. That jam, and I was a little boy. What?

Yeah, that's a fucking old. see what year that came out. Spencer Davis Group. I'm going to say like, what, 67? And I'm so... Well, this Wikipedia says 2013, but that's not real.

I put the song on, God, but don't worry about Wikipedia line for us and shit. God damn it. Fucking Wikipedia. Doo-d-d-l-do-l. That fucking opening, man, forget it.

I want to give a shout out to Michael and Marcy Johnson send me a little package from my daughter, some Bose. They're up there in the Bay Area, serving all of California, Sierra Realty. 925-628, Mike, Michael, and Marcy Johnson. Thank you for the present. My daughter's beautiful.

Hit it Lee. This is the best part. From that organ, I was a little kid, I thought I was a surfaced. Killet Lee. There used to be a Bottles and James commercial. With this, With this, in 1988, 1987, it was fucking tremendous. They showed like a big Hawaiian cut in a pineapple.

And as soon as he cuts the pineapple and it falls, you get boom, boom, boom. And they go 19-something, some Hawaiians thought, how cool would it be if they added fruit to wine that became the fruit cooler and shit? Oh, that's great. That song still is the jam of all jams. It's fucking amazing. How long have you been doing comedy? Godly, 1995 of some, winner of 1995. For 20 years.

20 years now. Congratulations, John is special. Thank you, man. I saw it. I wanted to call you and I said, you know what? Thanks, man. He's trying to promote it. I appreciate it.

It means a lot, too. It means a world. Oh, my God. I know how hard you've worked. I know how hard you've worked. And it's very, for a hard time you were getting stroked in this business. Yeah. Sign you, talk to you and they disappear.

Right. It's a fucking mind fucking. You got some people to be. believe in you and you know thank god for gabriel for oh man Gabriel is the he's such a saint there and he's just listen man successful people like that know they have to pass the buck and right and uh Gabriel has a great attitude for work and uh i'm happy you got together and i mean he helps Steve simone he helped you yeah man he put you know he fought for me for the comedy central spot you know these are the type of guys that'll work forever because they're great people just great

people. And I mean, I gotta hand it to you because you've worked hard. You've been through the ups and downs. You've been fighting for fucking years, duking it out, flying back. Crazy girlfriends, you know, the jersey for the photographer, she took a picture of your dick. And then she didn't want to leave you

alone. And you got this little blonde that was 20 with long legs. You shoved the tongue up her ass and she couldn't take it no more. She's going back to Ohio. So I can't take this no more. The Mexican's freaking me out. Putting tongues in my ass and whipping me in the night. I'm just a simple girl. I just want to suck a dick from time to time

and watch cartoons and play with a fucking little superhero. Jerry's got me sucking his dick bent over. Jerry's a little dirty freak, dog. That's what happens. He plowsed to these freaks. At about a year, you'll see Jerry no more bracelets. She took everything.

The bracelets, the Indian fucking scar, the little Christian chain. And he's back on a little little Canyon solo in his little fucking studio apartment over there. How many bitches have gone? You don't even have windows over there. You just kill them and throw them out and shit. How long you've been

with this? About a year. About a year. You know, love, that's it. Oh, she's great. Yeah. She's good for a living. Nothing yet. She just moved out here. So she's going to figure that out. Florida. Florida. Yeah, yeah. She had a drug problem. Nothing like that. Everything cool. She loves smoking weed. I'll tell you that. Oh, bro. Who don't? You know.

Only this fucking Jimo. You want to smoke some more hash? No, not really. Let's finish this little weed I got. And we'll put a little hashish. Before you go home, I don't want to send you home all straight and shit. I'm not straight, bro. You're sure? That's not a quote I went out on the Internet.

You're what? It's not like pour that one on the Internet. Look at the shape of you. And you only ate 100 milligrams, and that's all we ate. Lauer? Nice. I eat like 700, I'm sure. 700.

At least three or four. You wait 100. You eat 100 milligrams. Okay. You eat 150 milligrams. That's it. You eat 150 milligrams. Sure.

What do you say? You want to smoke some more hands? No. Snort an alpha brain. What? I snort an alpha brain. I'm not snoring shit. All right.

I'm fucking sad. No, I'm very proud of you, Jerry. Thank you so much. I want to have you on tonight because... I appreciate that, man. Thank you. People think... There's no timeline on an art.

No, no, no, no, no. There's no timeline. And as long as you go in, if you're getting into comedy and you're going after six years, if I don't make it, I'm quitting. Fuck Joey Diaz. Listen, man, six years is when you start to understand the game a little bit. As much as you think, you're fucking Miltonboro. You don't know dick. You don't know dick at six years.

And at 10 years, you don't really know dick. Again, you think, like, I got this. You don't really know dick. You know, you start really putting it together at 16. Right. And then you really start getting good. I mean, Burr's been around for fucking years. Nobody knew that's a bastard who's been around for 15 fucking years.

Ralphie's been around for 25 fucking years. You know, Dane Cook's been around for 20 fucking years. You know, you just think these people came out of film. At nowhere, never like that. I don't know. I don't know it's never like that. So, but again, you know, whether you're a guitar player, a fucking drummer, you want to be a sound tech, a producer.

These are all the ingredients that go into this. It's time, patience. You got to live in a studio apartment. You got to run through fucking women and throw them out from time and time and time. Sometimes they take your cat. You know, sometimes they take your dog. I went through that shit. They took my dog twice.

Those motherfucking women. Fucking savage evil. Oh, you gave me the best advice ever, though. I'll never forget this. We're talking about that, like how, you know, how you basically said there's no timetable. Years ago we were talking about this. And you said, as long as you're still going up at night and doing comedy in L.A., you're in the fight. You're in it.

You're swinging. That's all that matters. You want to be up there swinging. And that's all that matters. Like if you can continue to do that. And that's, I think the difference is a lot of people, when they don't have that all, it didn't happen for me in six years. They leave.

Or they quit. They walk away. And it's like, well, you don't let the miracle. You didn't let the miracle happen. Right. You didn't believe in the miracle. You didn't believe in yourself, which is the fucking biggest thing. Before the work, before quitting your job,

before telling your mom to suck your dick, you're moving out of the basement, before all these things. What makes you do all these things with confidence is the belief. it's when I go to my best friend Lee and I quit my job today. And Lee's like, how'd you fucking do it, man? Aren't you worried? And you look at Lee and you go, no, it's all going to work out.

You know, someone of a friend of mine, he's paying $5,000 a month for rent. Where? It doesn't matter. And I go, how are you making that nut? He goes, believe it or not, the first month I had a hard time and a guy called me from 10 years ago for a writing job.

We picked up a year on a book. And it's going to cover the fucking red and the spread and everything for a year and a half and I'll find something else. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to put yourself in that position. You know, or something happens. You need $3,000 a month. All of a sudden you start making $3,000. You figure out how to do it.

All of a sudden you put $6,000 up, all of a sudden you start figuring out how to make fucking $6,000. It's very... It's true. I don't know how to even describe it. It's a certain belief that you have to have in yourself to get into any of this shit. Whether you go to vocational school, become a plumber. Nobody becomes a plumber overnight. No.

It comes an electrician overnight. A mechanic. No, that shit. Look at the shape of this fucking. How exciting is it like when you start like noticing making, you're making money? Like, I don't even think it's for me when, like, because I still don't make, you know, I'm not like rolling in dough or anything like that. But you know what it is? What's exciting is when you know you're getting better. Like that's what's awesome is when you, all the sudden, when you start finishing shows, you're like, holy shit. Like, fuck man, that was, that was, that was like way, for me it happened about

seven years in. I don't know if you remember that feeling that you get after when all of a sudden you know, you would always do okay. That's why you kept doing it. But then one night you just destroy and like everything works, right? And those are rare sets. But you don't talk about those nights where it doesn't matter

and all of something like, oh wow, I just did that. Like shit, that's the best feeling. That's better than any paycheck you're going to get. But is that moment when you start realizing I'm actually good at, like I'm actually getting good at this. I actually know how to do this. Like, I'm actually, that's the fucking untouchable feeling. One of my biggest highlights, I started in 91.

And from 91 to 93, I was that guy that always had a card. I'm a comedian, but I would cancel every gig. When I was in New York, I'd stop in Harlem and get a bag of Coke and do a line and not show up at the gig. I really wasn't. But when I realized the work that had to go into it, I said, okay, now it's time to roll out my sleeves. for me to do this professionally and to make a living I gotta tell you what my first highlight was

and it had nothing to do with money so this was I was going through hell I'm going through hell my ex-wife I'm living on the fucking floor right you know my job sucks I'm not making child support you know my child support with 700 I'm coming up with 550

you know it's just a horrible time in my fucking life and I'll never forget going Jimmy Abeta called me up on there and he goes hey man I got this bar pays 50 bucks why don't you come do 15 minutes and I'm like sweating like 15 minutes like that was fucking but I had something you know what I had on bro that I could improvise like that's the bet that's the that's the hardest thing to do and if you can do that oh man when I first started comedy I refused to write material right crowd work crowd work and improvised yeah walked in talk shit and I'll never forget

we went to some bar one night you know it was any like for me now I would go in then go Jesus Christ. But then, you know, you're a superstar. I'm going to Pokatello. I don't get a fuck. Hey, man. Where are you going next week? I'm going to New York.

Where are you going to? New York. I think that's maybe more what I meant. Not necessarily money, but like when you started booking more and more gigs. No, no, no. But here's the moment that killed me. We were at this bar on a Wednesday night. Jimmy a beddy goes, go up there and do 20 minutes.

And I went up there. And, you know, usually I would be on a fucking stopwatch. Right. Three minutes, you know, in those days. done you know it's like when I go to jih Tjitsu the first two years I would try to avoid sparring okay I gotta go yeah yeah just technique and shit and uh one night I did really well and they finally gave me the light and when I got all four comics were waiting for me like young guys that I came right and they were high-fired me that was fucking great and Jimmy Beda comes

on and he goes you did 38 minutes that the best and I go no I didn't he goes yes you did He goes, I was outside getting high. I forgot to give you the light. Wow. And I never forget getting in my car. And that, to me, was the highest moment of my comedy fucking career. When you do a set, like you said, let's say you're supposed to do 20, and you do like 25, 30, so 38, right? And you destroy.

And then you get off stage and you didn't even get to tell like five jokes that you were hoping. You know what I mean? That's the best feeling. I remember going home. And I'll tell you what exactly what I did. In those days, there was a comedy newspaper. and in the back of it it had all the top clubs in the country. It had every club in the country, just for last.

But there was also a Judy Carter book that I had. And it had, you know, all the agencies in L.A. And I remember that night I went home and circled agencies. Like I was ready. I'm calling these motherfuckers. Agency to the performing arts, you're getting a call from me tomorrow. I did 38 minutes at Ringo's eight ball in last night over in fucking West Coast to Colorado. Like, I thought I was this shit, but that moment, like the money for me...

Never really matters. I knew when I got in there, I eliminated the money from my mind. I did that going in because I didn't want to have no inclinations that I was going to make money. Absolutely. The first time I read real money doing comedy was nine years and eight years, and I booked the Taco Bell commercial. And I must have made a small fucking fortune, 100 grand in eight months. That's great. I made 80 something, 60 grand, like from August.

No, I made 80 grand from August to December. Nice. With a Taco Bell commercial at beginning because they didn't know the dog was going to get hot. So they couldn't plan it during the World Series. A-Spotts, A-Spotts, A-Spot. I'm in Clark, Tennessee. Get a-hap. Because A-Spotts, what people don't know when you get, like, A-Rotation,

like you have cable. Cable will pay like $3,000 for 90 days on limits. That's why when you have cable, like the pay channels, you see your commercial 20 times. The real one, CBS, ABC, Fox, when your show comes on at 8 o'clock, shit. Once that commercial comes on at 8 o'clock, shit, that's when you buy the whole bar around.

Give her a big around. And if you see that commercial again at 835, give everybody another fucking one. Because I just made like 3,000. You really do. That's amazing. They put you on an A rotation. So the first commercial is 750.

The second one's 1,000, 12, 50, 15. So if your commercial hits four times in two hours, you made $3,000 fucking dollars. Damn. And when they use the cycle, it starts all over again. Fuck, dude. And all of a sudden, you're getting checks. From December 8th to December 18, you made like $6,200.

Yeah. You're like, what the fuck? That's so bad ass. I'm surprised more comedians don't do that. Because you can make so much money from commercials. I listen, Ari started his fortune with commercials. Yeah. Ari Safia.

He was in a ton of him. I remember that. He did. He was great in him, too. They would get mad at them if he left town. When he would work with Rogue and they'd call him up. Don't get on that plane because they'd find them something. That's how good Ari was.

There was maybe four people that one year there's a black guy that books all the commercials. The highest paid commercial guy. Ari was like number nine when you. Yeah. Yeah. He booked the Kia commercial. First off, let me give us some fucking things so we get the fuck out of you on it. The best.

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you got nailed at life. All right. How about a little, what do you want to close? Elton John or, oh, man. Or band on the run. Band on the run. You don't want to do mom. You don't want to do, uh, what is it?

Oh, yeah, the original one. Go ahead. Molly Kurt. I'll see you guys next. I'll see you guys Sunday night. Listen, I don't know what you're doing Sunday night. We're dropping some Sid Ari's coming by. We're going to have celebrity guests coming in all fucking night.

We got some chick coming in. We might be here from eight for like three or four in the morning. So get ready for a long night. If I was. you i wouldn't even go on to work fucking monday calling sick get a hit of ass and get some heroin we're gonna have a fucking intercontinental show when this is a special come out my brother october 17 on fuse fuse the gentleman jerry rocha check it out thanks for having me bro i'm very proud of you thanks a bottom of my heart you stuck it out you didn't go back to texas like the rest of these

you moccas you fucking got balls to steal thanks thank you for being a man of course thank you what's up with you cuck liquor what are you doing this weekend i i i don't know what i'm doing this weekend, but I had your buddy, Dearestino on my podcast today. Very nice. We want me to jump up and down. I can't tell people about where you're going to be. I'm not going to be nowhere. Next week,

I'm in Minneapolis at the House of Comedy. On the 15th, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And the week after that, I'm in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, with Dick Siret. We're going to hang out Friday night. Oh, we're bringing stars of death. We're doing everything. I'm getting, I called the chick yesterday. She said, I'll suck his dick, so we're going to get your dead's

stuff real good. A little Cuban chick. My dad, a nice Jewish guy, and he watches all of Joey's stuff, so he calls me. He's like, oh, I watch all Joey's stuff, and I want to talk to him about it. But every time I see him, he gets me so messed up on the edible as I can't talk. He's a fucking soldier, not like people we know. That's great. Do you want a little over the hatch?

No. I'll come. You're sure? Yeah. I don't want to talk shit about me. I love you guys. See you Sunday night. 8 o'clock, 11 o'clock fucking East Coast.

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