The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #325 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 15, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off and free shipping in the USA and Canada   Recorded live on 10/14/2015.   Music:   Def Leppard - Another Hit and Run Curtis Mayfield - Freddie's Dead'

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. And our listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Miandies.com. Go to meundies.com slash Joey to get 20% off and free shipping in the United States and Canada. They have T-shirt, socks, underwear,

men and women. It's made of mowed off fabric, which is even softer than cotton. Go to meundies.com slash Joey to get 20% off and free shipping in the United States and Canada. And go to onit.com. And use code word church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products. Alpha brain, new mood, strong bones, shroom tech immune, shum tech sport. It's code word church to get 10% off. Kidding me or what? I can't hear myself Lisa yet. Put the music on. The music on. The music So is number one. Kick that motherfucking horse.

It's Wednesday. October 14th, motherfucker. The church of what's happening now. Little old school deaf lepers. It's an old school show tonight. Just me and Lisa. Yeah, it's an old school deaf weapon for you, motherfuckers.

Kick it, Lee. Are you fucking nuts? 19-8-1, and it's still fucking relevant. What's going on there? Everything all right there? Everything's great, man. Good fucking day. How are you?

Good, good, good. Fucking recovering from that acid took the two days. That shit was fucking strong, Jack. And the original plan was just to drop two off the bat. Thank God. Thank God. Two hits? Yeah, I was going to fold them and give them to everybody.

Just fold them. You told him you're doing one. I got to tell you, man. I'm happy. I didn't eat two of them. Yeah, me too. But we had a fun time. I don't really want to do that shit anymore.

That shit fucked with me. That shit fucked with my emotions. It's that's what it's supposed to do, guys. Is it really? Okay. For a few days, it takes you, if it's good acid, you're supposed to be thinking about it for a day or two. For a day or two, if you smoke, you see some fucking shit moving from time to time. It's kind of weird when it sticks in your body.

You know, like I said, I used to do it all the time as a kid, and I loved it. Then cocaine came along, and that was my acid story. I couldn't believe you fell asleep. Like, every time I'm taking that. I'm up to like five in the morning. 1.30, bam, out. Oh, my God. I got up like a three.

I can't even believe. fell asleep and I go right back to sleep again before the fucking speed wakes me up. I could sleep on all that shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. It was fun. It, uh, I don't know what I thought, but when I was growing up and drugs are supposed to be bad, you think every drug is going to be different. And so far, everything that I've done is kind of the same.

It's just, it keeps getting a little bit stronger. Like, mushrooms are a little bit stronger than weed, and then acid is a little bit stronger than fucking mushrooms. Wait till we do that heroin. And you'll really see what? it's all fucking about. You'll sit there and hear that Zeppelin playing that is not a fucking harmonica a mile away from you. So, Jesus. I had a, I don't know, I'm usually pretty positive. I like to believe in people, but I keep seeing these articles and someone sent me this article today about how

they can't get a job as a lawyer and they're working for like minimum wage and complaining. And it, like, I don't know why, but it set me off today because when I, I was in college, there was a thing out here about NBC interns had complained about working at SNL, or maybe I was right out of college. And everyone in the industry, all they could talk about was how they're never going to get a job, because you don't air dirty laundry like that, and you don't complain. And it's just, I get a lot of stuff from people about how it's hard to find jobs. And I understand that it is hard to find a job, but I also think if you're good at what you do and you work hard, you're going to have to start it at the bottom,

which is what we were talking about a few weeks ago, that everyone thinks when they get out of college, their job is going to be their dream job. And it's probably not. And I don't know why, but that article, it just got, like, set me off this morning. What was the article about? It was just this guy, like,

who went to law school and has three degrees and thought he was going to be making so much money, and now he was complaining, oh, like, I went to a job interview, and I didn't hear back for a month and I didn't get it and I was like, everyone goes through that. It just, I don't know why. Again, you can't find the fucking job.

You got to do a checklist. Right. Okay, you got to do a checklist. Number one, are you applying for the job at 1130? You're applying for the job at 801. You know, I mean, if you know that there's a job available, listen, a thousand people send in a resume. Right.

You've got to be a little fucking with you. You got to go down there. You got to get on there. You got to fucking get a hold of the guy and put it in this hand. And I know you're going, Joey. You don't even know what it's like out there. I know. I know what it's like to get a fucking job. I know what it's like to be out there and hustling.

You know, if you're going to send resumes 10 a week from your fucking computer and sit there in your underwear and your fucking t-shirt, you're never going to get a job. Right. If you're doing the same shit everybody else is doing, you're never going to get a job. If they're sending a cover letter and whatever, you've got to send a cover letter and a note of what you've done and, you know, handwritten. Right. You've got to do the shit that nobody else is doing.

I have a I have a A soft spot For people you know I have a soft spot for people as a human being Right But there's a job out there waiting for you You're just not looking hard enough You know you can't tell me you've been looking for a job

For a year and you're broke There's jobs out there If you want to work there's a fucking job Create your own fucking job Get a truck and whatever fuck you do Borrow money from your father as a college student What else? You're already in debt Right

You know even if you gotta just pick up wood fucking sell bottles. There's always a job. Okay? It's how you go looking for that fucking job that gets people. You know, I had felonies.

I got the felony in 87. I wasn't a job marking pretty much until 90 fucking 6 or 7. Yeah. You know, how did I accomplish that? I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing.

By the time they find out I got a felony, I'm such a good fucking worker. They just rip up the sheet. Right. And that's, like when I first came out here, like people always complain about

about working for free. And I've talked about it. I don't think people should get swindled, but when you first are starting out, you're going to do an internship. You're going to, like, I got asked to work nights on my internship for free coming in until five in the morning. And I said yes. And these jobs aren't bad, but the people that I deal with are like my friends from home who have given up on finding a job in their field and like they're still working at the jobs that we worked at together in high school, which at least they have a job,

but I can't imagine going to school for four years and after six months of looking for a job but you're going to... That's what people do because they find that one thing. It's called work. People don't want to work. People don't get the least possible for the most possible and I don't blame you.

But somewhere in there, we have to work. Last night we had a very interesting conversation at the store before somebody got shot. You eye and Johnny Rock. Yeah, that's what we think about it. Doing comedy and falling in love. Okay, here you are. 26, 27, you're a comedian on stage.

Some women think that's sexy. All of a sudden you meet a girl, you fall in love. Where does your work ethic go? That's always been, that's when I look at people the hardest. When I go, how does the work ethic go? That's the number one killer of young kids. And I did it. Yeah.

But I always knew that I didn't have a backup plan. So I had to go to fucking work or I had to sell drugs. there's nothing wrong with falling in love but in the last couple of years amongst my young friends I've seen them it just they just cut off it just cut off and I don't mind

somebody falling in love but you still have to keep your dream alive because sooner or later the fucking money runs out and the dinners run out and also in reality sets on and she realizes she's with a fucking bump it totally happened to me

it's uh when you first like I don't know For me, when I first started dating Paula, I had the TV job and I was doing this and I had tons of money. I was doing great and then I stopped doing the TV thing and we had fun. And it's not like we had a talk, but then also like you just start looking at the bank one day and you used to have a certain amount now that's half of that. Now that's half gone. And at least for me, and every few weeks I'll notice maybe I'm being a little bit lazy. Because who doesn't like to be lazy?

Like it would be, I know. It's not even, it's never been in my world. I never understood. I could look at somebody's body type and know, I can see a fat person. Right. And know if that's a fat guy that eats or that's a fat guy who sits on his fucking ass. I could tell just by looking at a person. So, okay.

So if you had 20 million bucks, let's just say, you wouldn't just sit at home all day, watch TV and go do comedy at night? Not even close. Jesus. It's against who the fuck I am. Totally against who the fuck I am. I don't even know that world I wouldn't try to kill myself to make more money but I'm still out of the house at 9-01

doing what whatever it takes to keep me alive working out training jumping jacks meeting with people helping somebody right you don't think you relax a little bit not even close I don't believe I only watch TV when I get home from at night from doing comedy at the end of the night I watch TV

yeah I was trained at the agent 18, there's no TV in the daytime. There's no TV. There's no TV. Everything comes first. If I have an opportunity to make $3, there's no baseball game in my life. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. So what happened? What happened when you said you fell in love and you started slacking?

What happened in your life? I just, I don't know, I always kept my dream in mind. That's what the conversation last night was. about that keeping your dream in line yes you're in love and yes she wants to do this when I moved here with Carol okay when I first moved to LA with Carol right I knew one thing I knew that I let me tell you what I thought I knew I wasn't talented enough to be here so I knew I had no time to fuck around I looked at the comics that were poppy at the time and I wasn't even close to them look wise age wise material wise

so I knew I had to do what the other guy wasn't doing. I still remember, like, fucking fighting, because Carol moved to L.A. to invite her family out here. And every 30 days, some other fucking moron came out. We go to Disneyland. And there's no Disneyland in my world. There's no Venice in my world. There's no, nothing.

Not during the week. There's business. I don't know how you could go to Venice on a Thursday at 10 o'clock. Unless you're on vacation from your job. But even then, in the world, We're in. We're independent, we're independent contractors. Right.

Okay? I don't know how you could go to Venice Beach, hold hands, and walk around, look at the fucking beach on a Wednesday or two. That's not even in my head. Is any of it? Okay, so how long were you out of prison by the time you moved to L.A.? Almost close to, let me see, 11 years, 12 years. Do you think going to prison, like, I want to say like rock bottom? No. My mother. My mother had a thing at the house. You had to get up.

Got to get up. I don't give a fuck what time you came in. Get up. Come on. Up. Let's go. Look outside. Well, look at the sun. There's something you've got to be done. When I was a kid, I had a weird work ethic. I always knew I had to work. Right. I always loved working. But it wasn't until the seventh grade where my spick mentality work ethic came in. And I still watched basketball to learn the moves. But I would watch basketball with a notebook and a pen and I would write down moves that somebody would do and right after the game whether the game ended at one in the morning or the game ended at two in the afternoon I ran to the

park to try those moves there was no two basketball games I can't sit there for two games I'd pick one of the two the sixers against the Knicks they got good forwards let me get a notebook and I'd do the fucking moves I'd write them out I was a really bad basketball player and we went oh and fucking seven my seventh grade when I got left back And that next year, after I got left back, my life changed. My life changed. But in that process, I watched TV as a kid. I watched TV on Saturdays.

But I watched TV after I cleaned, helped my mom. Right. My mom would wake me up on Saturday. Jose Antonio, we've got to get up. The lady would come. My mom would do laundry. The lady would iron it. And while my mom was doing laundry, we were cleaning.

Okay. And I'm talking about pulling the couch out, vacuum in, wiping the walls down, wiping the tables down, that type of shit. Then you went out. I got a great work ethic because I saw the results in the seventh grade. I saw myself as the worst basketball

playing in the world one year and the following year I was a 13 to 15 year old all star. So right then I learned about hard work. Right. I couldn't jump like everybody else. I didn't have a body like everybody else. I didn't have no speed. I had quickness, but no speed.

So I worked on the thing. that I was bad at. I would do sprints every day. For who goes out in the courtyard when they're 13, when everybody else is playing? When I got better at basketball, I would leave my house at 9. And I would ride my bike up the hill, that cemetery, all the way to the projects. And I would take 300 jump shots before the day he even started. 300 jump shots, like Jerry West did when he was growing up and wherever the fuck he grew up. And then I'd take, and then I'd practice moves.

And then I'd go down to the court and play basketball for two or three hours. I'd go home, drink some Kool-Aid and make a stake-em. And I was back at the court by 5 o'clock to catch that 5 to 8. I know you sit your mom, but what about everyone else around you? Because, I mean, I would say at least for now, that, like right now, that's not the norm. Like that. Because even for me, I think I'm a hard worker. If I had, if I won the lottery, I would still do podcasts, but I don't think I would, I think I would.

Going more vacations and relax? No, there's no. I would, it would take the stress off you to make a daily payment. But you still got to, if you stop using it, you lose it. You know, there's no retiring anymore. People used to retire at 64, force retiring. People know now the smart old people know if they retire, they're going to die. They're going to die.

You know what I'm saying? They'd still do something part-time. You see those people at Walmart that are greeters and shit like that. They know you got to keep sharp. It was never about prisoner hitting rock bottom for me. I always knew about work ethic. But then when I turned 19 and my mom died, I found out you need work ethic

because there was nobody there to hand me a 20 or a 10. People let me live at their house for 35 a week or 40 a week. That's 160. I still got to come up with the fucking envelope. What do you... How are you planning on raising mercy? Like, let's say you make a ton of money and you have that. everyone around me who I think has parents doing that giving them money are the people who might say they can't find jobs because like my parents didn't give me like they helped me with college but I never once took money from them since I left their house so I think my wife has a great work ethic yeah my wife could work all fucking day my wife is working right fucking now as we speak you know my wife goes to the gym my wife has a great work ethic I have a great work ethic okay

The reason why I want to move out of this fucking shit area is because I don't want my wife growing, I don't want my daughter growing up with kids that think they have something coming to them. And this area is filled with these little douchebags because the parents act this way. Yeah. You know, this is Studio City. These people are like riders. Who knows what they make? But they make more on the natural average.

So right away, the wives get fucking, they go crazy. They get a range row and they double park. And my husband is the head writer on breaking. bad how about I smack you in the fucking you know you're not supposed to talk like that you're supposed to set an example as a woman not walk around with fucking yoga pants at double park at the coffee shop we see

it all the time at that fucking place we see women pull up behind it they don't give a fuck my husband's a head writer who gives a fuck who gives a fuck you something in Iowa gives a fuck in Iowa they'll take get that fucking car and move it we don't give a fuck if your husband's a writer and fuck you with your

yoga pants at 10 o'clock with a diamond looking all dolled up to do fucking yoga to go talk to these other worthless women about what about what right about what so i don't want that in my life with my daughter i want my daughter coming home and going to some of these houses coming home and going where they got a corvette a fucking eight why don't i have a fucking corvette even if i had the money to buy a corvette i would never give her a fucking corvette right you know i would pave the way for her and help her to do what she does on her own but i wanted her know that one day my lights are going to get shut out or her mother's lights are going to get shut out

and that's the scariest proposition for anybody is knowing that you're alone in this world yeah so i want you to learn every fucking aspect like i did at 14 or what i do when mercy's 10 if i'm still alive and the mother's still alive mercy will get an allowance but she's going to have to do something every week for that allowance oh yeah absolutely there's no filing paperwork sending out t-shirts Going over the podcast. I don't give a fuck. Find the job. This is your 50 a week or your 20 or your 30,

whatever you give fucking kids. But this is what you need to do. My mom did it with me. I had a clean tampon boxes. You were going to ladies' bathroom. They got those boxes next to the toilet in the fucking 70s. I had to stick my hand in gloves. There was no gloves.

There's no gloves. Stick your fucking hand in there. I had a clean toilets with a fucking scrub. No gloves. Clean their urinals. and put ice in them. And then I had to sweep the front, sweep the pool, sweep the pool, where the pool table was. I had to pull all the chairs out, sweep that, mop that, even after she did it.

She didn't give a fuck. She was proven a point. Yeah? She was proven a point. I had to fill the beers with ice and stop the ice in. And paper, it takes an hour. All that I just described to you, it takes 50 fucking minutes if you do it. And one day when I was eight, I figured it out.

It could take me three hours, but it could take me 50 minutes. Right, yeah. So I started doing it in 50 minutes. And I learned that, fuck. So I used to come in here at 9.30, and I wouldn't get, I'd be talking, bullshit, and thinking how bad my life was. My friends are playing, but my friends didn't have $20 in their fucking pocket. Oh, you didn't like it? I loved doing that.

I didn't like it until I realized my friends were broke. They weren't accomplishing nothing. Right. And I was picking up a 20. So in the summers, I picked up a yardstick every week at the age of 8 or 9. Plus people come in, throw me a 10, who wouldn't hit the number, who would say, get this out of my car and throw me a final. dollar bill, you're always on point, right? And that's, you know, I don't, I've come in here on a Monday and said stuff to you about your

weekend, like how you can sit there and watch nine episodes on a Friday. And I get your point, but on the other point, that's when you're going to look at your girl and go, we're doing one episode, then we're going to go out. Where are we going? We're going to go exercise and eat and do shit. Then we'll come back at 12. You'll suck my dick. We'll watch another episode.

Then at three, we'll go somewhere else. But to just sit there for nine hours. I never understood that. I never met nobody who's done that. I would not even hang out with people if they did something like that. Well, then you wouldn't have any friends now. No. It's crazy.

No, no, no, no. I don't want those people around me. I don't want those people. Listen, one of the richest guys I know is one of the hardest working guys. I know. His name is Joe Roe. He don't stop. He don't stop.

And he's got kids. You call him up on a Sunday and see if he watches nine episodes or anything. Right. There's nothing. And that's what successful people do. That's what successful people do. I really don't give a fuck what my wife wants to do every weekend. I have a family.

When I have a family, I care what she wants to do. But if my wife comes to me on a Saturday, we would date and go, we're going to Marina Del Rey. I don't know what you're talking about. I got something to fucking edit. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't have four hours to jail. And there's money on the table.

There should never be money on the table, and there always is. Right. So I don't know what you're talking about. So what When you look at The millennials like people 20 to 30 now What do you think? Like what do you think that happened in 30 years?

They're gonna be sucking dick in 10 years I don't even know what millennials are I don't care I don't I don't really give a Frenchman's fuck You're a human being right You're a human being You got problems, you got bills And you have dreams and aspirations

Doesn't really change For me it doesn't change whether you were born in 1990 2000 doesn't change You're a human being You have needs you have dreams your dream is to sit on the fucking couch and watch fucking television

10 hours or some fucking football game you want to watch your football game for a quarter or two but you're always moving it's on but you're rocking yeah that's hard to learn though you're rocking

it's on it's on I can hear it but I'm writing the joke I got an earphone in listening to deaf leopard you know what that's what that's what you know

And we're talking about two or three young kids that I became friends of last year that when I met them they were out every night. Johnny Rock and Rizzo were a two-man combination. Three, four sets a night. All you had to do was call him and go Rizzo, where are you going tonight? I'm going here, here, here. Then I'm going to King Taco.

Let it end it. No more videos, no more none. I asked him last night, where's Rizzo? He goes, Rizzo's in love. He doesn't even leave fucking Orange County no more. I can't understand that. How he traded that? as you're at

Listen It's very hard to describe love to somebody Or how a man reacts to something But let me tell you the bottom line Okay And this is what This is what you learned over the fucking years There comes a day where you

My marriage didn't last Not because I was a fucking great marriage guy Because I was a piece of shit And I didn't put time into the marriage But this won't last it because I went into this relationship a lot different than the others. But one thing I did since day one that I learned from all of my other prior relationship that didn't work is I put my foot down. Not as Joe Diaz, but as a man.

This is what I do. And this is how I do. And this is the only way it's going to work. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm telling you that this is how it's going to work. When I first started dating Terry, I loved Terry from day one. but I had a problem

and I didn't want to involve Terry in my problem she was so sweet I was just dating Terry but I'll get Terry on this podcast right now first four Christmases I didn't see Terry 4th of Julys I don't know what you're talking your mom's birthday I don't give a fuck who your mom is

that's got another to do with me none of that shit mattered because I had a dream she was my girlfriend but I had a dream now she had a job to do as my girlfriend If she had my back, this is my dream. The same thing, if it was the other way around.

That's what most people don't understand. My wife understood it because she worked at the comedy store, and she's seen these guys coming in seven nights a week, and she saw the work ethic. My work ethic when I came to town was you get a TV show at any level of it, and you stop doing comedy at the comedy store. And then I met a guy by the name of Joe Rogan, that I won't give out of the salary on news radio.

making a lot of money. And I don't know if you know much about the fucking TV show. Okay, Mondays you go for wardrobe. Tuesday, you go back. You refit into wardrobe for the director. You have a table read. Then Wednesday, you do a run-through. Then Wednesday night, you do another run-through all fucking day.

10 run-throughs a day with a director for notes. Then Thursday, you do the run-through for the director and the producers. Then Thursday after do, you do a run-through for the fucking network. Then Friday, you come in again, read it again. Now with all the rewritten shit. Then you do a run-through, another run-through, another run-through. Then at 6 o'clock, you tape in front of a live audience. And that could take two hours for a half-hour show or four hours for a half-hour show.

Do you know that Joe Rogan at the end of that week would still show up for his $15 spot at the comedy store? That's crazy. That's work ethic. Yeah. But that's the reason why he is where he is today. And I learned that in 1999-98. When I looked at him do that, I go, I get it now. this is an endless battle

there's never really a day off if you're an independent contract have you worked for somebody and that's what you accepted you in your life I'm paying you 12 bucks an hour ago you're going to come in Monday through Friday 8 to 5 then whatever you want to do on Saturday and Sunday is your priority

but even then if you're under 30 I can't see you on a couch on Thursday and Friday on Friday Saturday and Sunday now you're taking care of your dream but my dream is to shoot out Or the fucking be a jiu-jitsu guy Or play the harmonica.

But that's a hard part about the 8 to 5 Is by like, for me, when I got to Thursday and Friday, I was like, You're right, I want to go out. Yeah, fuck that. You're right. You go out one night, you throw your whole week off. Yeah. When you're 20, you don't.

When you're 20, you snort blow, you eat somebody's ass, you foam in the mouth, and you're still at work the next day and 8 in the morning. At least I know, I was. But that's, when you're 20, you have a dream. You have a dream. What rest? What sleep are you talking about? What 10-day vacation? What? I've seen so many people throw away lives, throw away careers by getting married. And you know what you're telling me when they do that in mid-career here?

You're telling me this is my excuse to back out. What about? 80% of the guys I've met in the last 20 years who got married. This is their, I had a friend that was out. out here on fire, on fire. But I could see that he was one of those guys, that it was a race for him. It wasn't a marathon. And I could see it starting. And one day he told me I'm getting married. I go, when are you getting married? He goes, I'm getting married at the end of October. That's prime time season. You know what I'm saying? And when he told me he's getting married

out of town, I go, and you're going on a honeymoon. This is a guy that always cried and complained. about nothing was going on for him. Then they got married, and I never saw two people gain more weight in my life. They lived in a one bedroom. They couldn't even get out. I went over there one day. They both tried to get out the door together.

They couldn't get out. They almost got stuck. And he would always complain to me that you couldn't do spots here unless you were Guido. You couldn't do spots here unless you were a fucking this. But at night, I would call him. Where are you at? I hear my wife watching fucking whatever.

They would fucking watch. whatever the fuck they would watch. Then they moved out of Hollywood to the valley. And I knew right there that it was within the year they were back where they both came from. And now he's doing whatever the fuck it is because they use it as an out. As an out.

This is my excuse. I had married and got kids. Who gives a fuck? You still got a fucking dream every day, don't you? You would think so? But this is your out. So what is it about marriage? Because not everyone does that.

But what is it about marriage that you think? It's not. I don't know. I don't know. I know when I met Terry, I stuck to my guns. I didn't want what happened with Carol to happen with Terry. So no more comedy clubs, no chicks of comedy clubs with me, no dates to comedy clubs. You don't need to come nowhere. That's my job. I really put my foot down with Terry, even though it bothered me and it annoyed her in a way until she understood.

I didn't want to go to a fucking comedy show. She would tell me, I didn't want to fucking go. This is what I'm saying to you. I'm going to bring you there like my gun mall to do what, to stay in the back, to Listen to guys talk. She don't need to be there. Right. You know, the biggest mistakes I've made was when I brought Carol on the road with me on a physical road trip.

Biggest fucking mistake. What happened? Just biggest mistake. I'm not in the top ability of my game. I'm catering to somebody on. I'm tired. Let's take a nap. Let's walk around.

I don't want to fucking walk around. I got a show tonight. I got two fucking shows today. Walking around, then you go do the two shows, and now you suckboat shows. Because you were wasting time walking around like you're a tourist. You're not a tourist. You let her do work. You're following trying to say to you.

So when I hooked up with Terry, I learned my lesson from Carol. Now, over the years, you know what's going to happen? I'm not going to say this to you what's going to happen. I'm just explaining to you what could happen. Right. One day, this chick you love comes home and tells you you're fucking done. You're not the first thing you're going to think about? All the dumb shit you did.

Yeah. You're going to think of all that dumb shit that you sacrificed to do dumb shit. You're going to sit there and go, what the fuck was I? asshole. I was thinking about some of my exes. And now when you hook up with the next one, you're not going to bring that luggage with you. You're going to go, I'm never doing that again. From now and I'm sticking to my guns.

When I started dating Terry, I was 30-something years old. I'm 52. I mean, with a 15 years, so 37, I already knew how I was going to tame that animal. And that's why I tell people little things. I tell you little things. I tell DiAgostina little things. Because I figured out

37, it was a bit too fucking late. I keep my business. And my relationship's separate. I keep them, said, she don't need to be at the comments, or she don't need to be hanging out with me. I'm coming right home. I don't, you follow me? There's so many fucking little things,

but I also stuck to my guns. Right. Did you ever, like, worry about those things, but then it turns out that they, like, they would have supported you? Like, the first time we did acid after R.A. show, I told you, I got, like, really paranoid, like, that she, like, I should let her be with a normal guy. And then I went and spoke to her,

and I was like, hey, I'm going to have to be working more. and I'm like, I can't hang out on Friday during the day. And she couldn't have been cooler. And I was like, it was almost like I imagine in her head. What's Friday during the day? Because this is what you don't seem to understand. I call you at 8. We talk at 7.30.

Right from there, the day's up. Right. I don't know what the fuck you do till 10. But gone. So on a Friday, okay? Right. Now, this is what I don't, this is what I'm saying to you. If you pick her up on a Friday,

Let's say you pick up Thursday night. Yeah. Tomorrow night, you pick her up at 9. You take her to dinner, you give her a stab, and you go home, you watch a movie. At 8, you got to bring her home. You got to take her home. Don't leave her at the house waiting for you a meter later because now that's on the back of your mind. And you can't focus on what you've got to focus on.

I'll call you when I call you. 2.30? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know if I knew that I wouldn't be with you. I'd be at the track batten trifectors. There's time for work and there's time for play. So you're in love. Right.

Listen to what I'm going to do I'm going to make a fucking I'm going to split it down the middle I'm not going to work fucking 8 hours but I'm going to work the best four hours I've ever worked What that means Lee? You got to be here at 915 You got to be at the gym at 8.

Not 810, not 801 8. You got to drive her home at 7.30 Out. Breakfast on the ride A protein shake. Lift here until 1230 Stop and fucking in and out get a burger, go home, pick her up at 1. You got the whole day with it. You can still catch a movie at 140 at the

fucking Sonic or Burbank, whatever you know, or 4 o'clock. That's completely different than sitting there like Zambu on a Friday from 10th, 8, rubbing your feet till 6th, and then you go out and get Mexican food. You didn't earn a dime. You didn't earn a dime. You follow me? So there's

what's it called? There's a compromise for everything, Lee. Oh, and I totally agree with you, but in my head, like, you think, like, I would imagine her getting mad I had, but then I just talked about it. Listen to me. Listen to me. Here's the best state of mind. You don't give a fuck.

You don't really give a fuck if she gets mad. It's got nothing to do with you. You have a job to do, and that's all you need to think about. Always remember that. Always remember that. You have a job to do. You think I worry about Terry when I come here at three and I don't really give a fuck what she thinks.

I have a job to do. I don't have time to worry about somebody's emotions. This isn't a popularity contest. This is fucking life. This is fucking life. And if they come to you and they say, that hurts my feeling, then sit them down and go, this is what this is. This is motherfucking life.

You like when I come back and bring the burritos at the level? Who do you think pays for that? The fucking wind? You think that just comes out of the ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This is what you need. You need the Getus to make it happen. Without no Getus, there's no love. It's too fucking idiot.

It's sitting there. And one day she sees you for what you are and now you're dumped. You quit your job. You stop doing your accounts. You play. No. You always take. care of your paper.

If they don't like it, then you've got to find a new woman. She's got to find a new fucking man. I never, never. Let me tell you what happened last weekend. So last weekend I got two calls. A great jih Tzu guy was doing a seminar in Sherman Oaks. I love this guy. And I got a call from my friend,

Everton at BJJ Hotel, and he goes, we have a seminar at 2 o'clock. Now, I knew this Saturday I was going to be gone for two weeks. When I leave tomorrow, that my wife has that little fucking living human kettle belt

for three days. It's a big day. Friday's a big day for her. My wife goes to yoga for an hour, Wana watches her. But after that, Saturday all day you're with mercy. That's carrying her, picking her up, tantrums. She wants to throw the ball. She wants to make a macaroni and cheese. And then Sunday I come in and I have her for an hour and then I take a map. I'm tired

from the night before. So I have to compromise. So the first thing I did last week was, you're going to yoga Saturday? don't you want to go to jih Tzu? I heard you on the phone. No. I want you to go to yoga. I'll do kettlebell Saturday afternoon. I want to go to that fucking thing. But my wife, you follow me? There's always a compromise. There's always a compromise. Last Monday, I did not go to 10 o'clock Jiu-Jitsu. And I blew off the fucking doctor. But I took mercy to the park. And then I took it to McDonald's and we had a great fucking time. So those three hours, and when my wife called me at 1210 and she goes,

where are you guys? I said at the park. You know what my wife said? She was really? She was so happy because Monday's, but it's going to be a short week. So I got to do things I don't usually do. My long weeks and my short weeks are different. My short weeks are about my family, to be honest with you. Yeah.

My short weeks are about two workouts, two podcasts. I see you and I'm with my family. Everything else could wait until the weeks I have off. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I'll do it when I'm off. I'm here for three weeks, you know, whatever. There's a compromise. 20 years ago, I would never do that.

I wouldn't even give my wife the option. I would say, I'm going to the thing tomorrow because I was a fucking moron. That's why you're not married. So do you understand when I talked to you guys like that last night, I'm not being a scumbach. I'm just telling you that no matter what relationship you're in, you have to keep your dream alive. Because if not, what happens if you break up? You're going to feel like a fucking asshole. Yeah.

But then I think for me, like I just had a lot of bad girlfriends before Paula. and they would be people who if I said I had to work and we might have had plans they would get mad and now and it's like it's really like a test for me for Paul like the fact that I said it and she's like oh yeah that's fine Paula is

Mexican she got a immigrant mentality yeah she sees what her mother did and what her father did it's all about work they wouldn't have been kept alive wasn't for the mother work in 12 hour days mother didn't work no we think her mother worked six and a half went home and took care of the children when she came from Mexico

don't know English, they're 12-hour fucking days, my friend. And you know what the kids do? They deal with it. They deal with it. You see Paula, a psychiatrist, my mother worked 12 hours a day. You deal with it. Because you had nice sneakers. They should try the best you can. You put it all fucking together. And that's what nobody understands.

You have to work. You have to justify your existence. Even if your parents are dirty rich. You ever see those people? You ever see a rich kid? I grew up around him here. What do you think? Is that what you wanted to be?

Really? Worthless? If the lights get turned off and if the fortune disappears, what are those kids going to do when they're 65? They're going to go, yeah, I went through millions of dollars, but what did I really do? Even if I die broke, I'm going to be in that fucking coma

and I'm going to go, unbelievable the things I did. I fucking did Coke. I seen fucking Black Sabbath. I did this. I did it on my own nickel. and most importantly, I did it my way. It's amazing when I was in high, like school, like high school, middle school, I was jealous of those kids. Naturally, naturally.

They got a Z28. They got a fucking corvette. The girls want to be with them. And then it's amazing because I don't really, I honestly don't keep in touch with maybe two people from my high school. But like, like, on Facebook I see. And I just see, like, how it's kind of switched a little bit. I'm like, oh, like, how can you still live in, and like your mom's house

like the people like when they have millions of dollars it's just like oh god when you want to have lived when I was 1916 and my mom died I was talking my stepfather and I gave me money

oh I create this bullshit story in my head and I believed it and it took me fucking six years to fucking convince myself I wasn't getting dick okay I wasn't getting dick

that's a long six years six fuck yeah I mean we do it we buy our own fucking lies my friend don't think I didn't buy into my own fucking lies I bought the stars away I bought into them now we got to get one more out of respect we did three already I'm like so it's Thursday no it's Wednesday that's why it's Prince spaghetti day you gotta eat four stars if you don't eat pasta so you are I was one of those people what do you think I'm gonna fucking sit here and tell you no I didn't

mind fucked myself to I was dirty something years old and I realized you gotta get up and go, you got to do something. Yeah. You know, it took me 12 years to finally realize, I was 32, that if I got into comedy, this is what I had to do. I had to get down and dirty. Got to take the shirt off. So is that, is that kind of maybe what can't,

this got you to quit drugs? Because, like, the whole drugs thing doesn't really make, like, that must have held you back tremendously. Even that. In the peak of my addiction, I booked the longest yard. Do you not, think I did Coke before I went into that audition the next day, 11 o'clock? Absolutely.

But isn't that the point? Like if in the peak of your addiction you booked the longest yard, do you ever think what might have happened if you hadn't? Oh, I know what I'm, I know what you're saying, but I'm just trying to make a point of. No, no, no, no. Yeah, you still worked hard. In that addiction, I used to get up and still drop envelopes off. I outworked everybody with a fucking addiction.

That's what I'm saying. It wasn't the Coke I did in the morning. I didn't do Coke in the daytime. It was my own work ethic. When I walked into that headshot at some. Sony Studios in January and dropped it on that lady's desk as Spider-Man too.

You know, when I dropped those tapes off for fucking you got nothing. All those things I did on my own with a fucking addicted mind, Lee, an addicted, sick mind. Because it was instilled in me. It's like people say it's like Marcello's class at Vemak on Monday nights.

I heard about that. He makes you do 45 minutes of calisthenics. Then he makes you to teach you the technique. Then he makes you do the technique. You know why? Because he wants you to remember that technique when you're tired, so you apply the technique better. That's what I was doing with my addiction.

I didn't know what I was doing. I was just doing what I knew that you had to do. I thought everybody did. What's the problem, Lee? I'm just really, don't try to eat this other stuff. That's okay. But that's the craziness. Even with all that Terry stuff.

And I don't think Terry appreciated my dream of the beginning and how I nurtured it. but now she understands when I get up in the morning after I play with the baby for 10 minutes I smoke a joint outside and I eat breakfast and I run in that room and I start doing my Twitter and my Facebook

you think my wife comes in and goes What are you doing here? No she knows I'm not in there Watching a video about you know Rhonda Rouse I don't give a fuck about Ronda Rousey I give a fuck about these people on Facebook and Twitter I got a job to do I got to let them know the podcast is at 3

I got to let them know we have a fucking podcast I got to let them know I'm in Minneapolis next week I got to let them know that, you know, Lee's not. You know what I'm saying, Lee? You have to let them know these things and not they'll never fucking know. So where do you think it comes from, like, that everyone feels like they deserve, like, the weekends away? And, like, where do you think that comes from? I don't know.

I have friends that have a great life and they go away every four months. But I know that during the week, they fucking work their asses on. I know the girl's 50 and she still has two jobs. And the husband's 50. And he's still fucking hanging those trains. Transformers on Polos for public service and shit. You know, so I get it. I get it.

I don't get a young person with a dream sitting there six hours a day playing fucking some game. That's why I don't play games. You think I don't play games? I think I'd be addicted to games. I love games. I don't have time for games. I didn't have time for games of 18. That's a real world out there.

It's a real fucking world out there. there. So your friend that wrote the article, God bless him. I love him to death. I don't know him. But he's got to look a little harder. And that's the other thing. Listen, what if Joey Diaz went to fucking, let's just do a thing. Since Joey, you're a fucking genius, you think you know everything about jobs. Let's ask you a fucking question. What if Joey Diaz got into law school? Right. The best law school in the country. I don't know what it is. Let's say UFC law school. Okay. And then after law school, what do I do? I don't get it. a job. I go back and get two years

and get my master's in law? No, no, no, no, you don't need anything. After law school, you take the bar and then you're a lawyer. Okay, so now I'm the lawyer. I did okay on the bar. I did okay on the interviews on campus when they come to campus. I did my requirements. I did my intern in the prosecutor's office. I did my intern in the other office. I worked

at the mayor's office. I also worked as an aide. I did all my interns I had to do. I qualify for everything. I speak Spanish. Okay? Let's say I don't get a job. Let's say Joey Dears doesn't get a job after six months. Do you think after Joey Dears did four years in college and three more in law school and one is an intern and all the bullshit that comes with it and test,

do you think that Joey Dears would be too proud to get himself a bartender job to keep the lights on? Well, no, I don't think you'd be too proud, but I also don't think I think that you might even want to go, okay, maybe I'll let a paralegal jobs just to get in the door at the law firms. Okay, how many people go, fuck that? How many people do you think this kid said, fuck that? Yeah. Do you think he said, if somebody said, we don't have a position right now for an attorney,

but you're a sharp guy, why don't you come in as a paralegal for $65,000 a year to start expenses? I'm just throwing a number out there. He said he was delivering legal forms for, like, minimum wage. But my whole thing is, is you can't, industries are small. You can't air your dirty laundry like that. Like, I've never bad, I don't badmouth companies that I work for.

but nothing good can come from that. Listen, when people leave a job, they leave a job because the job sucks. Yeah. And they get sick of it, not because the company's great. And they would do it all over again. My big thing is I wanted to find new opportunities. Nobody quits Burger King because, you know, it's a great fucking job. And you go home smelling like roses every day.

You go home smelling like a fucking dead goat with all that meat and all that shit they have in there. But it's a job. A job is a job. You know what? I've sat here across from me a thousand times. thousand times and told you how I had a job everything was going great and one day I realized they can make more money selling drugs but I not sit here and tell you that yeah okay so I'm just as guilty as your friend

but guess what I did I did something about it it's sitting there writing a fucking article making people feel sorry for you like you got something coming to you just because you went to college doesn't mean you have nothing coming to you that's just the beginning it's just four years to give you a fucking taste of what you really want to do in life and to see different things. It's a fucking privilege to go to college. You understand me?

It's a privilege to go to college. So when you come out, you've got to fill the fucking... I don't care if you go work at a music shop. Let's pretend you want to be a DJ for a radio station that don't exist no more. Right. Right? You can't find a job after six months as an intern.

If I come to you and I go, hey, Lee, I do this podcast twice a week if you want to come and run the board. all I can give you is 200 a fucking episode That's four bills a week At 1,600 a month to get the party started Right Would you turn me down?

No But That's me I think a lot of people And I know I did a little bit When you get out of college And especially if you go to like a Like a master's or a law for three more years

You put so much time in And you have all these loans That you're almost You almost feel like you're against the clock Like you're behind already So you want the big $100,000 dollar you're paying job and when you only get the $20,000 mailroom job, it's like, I don't, it doesn't even make sense.

If you're legit and you're not a piece of shit like me or a drug dealer or a felon and you go home and you get a job off and after college and you sit in your room and you make a few goals and you see what the job entails. Okay, so now I'm a mailroom guy. How many mailroom guys are there, Lee, in the mailroom? Two. Guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to be the best fucking mailroom guy in that motherfucker. They won't. What's the job? Eight to five? I'm going to be there seven or six. Might as well, yeah.

That's what this country has forgotten. You want to raise? Show it to me. That's it. That's what everybody forgets. That's what everybody forgets. You want to raise? Show up with two fucking advertising accounts and give me an idea and then let's do this. Show up with a fucking envelope. But people want to do their job minimally and then want the world from people. You want to raise?

Fucking show me. Come in here, fucking six, and work for two hours a fucking day for free. Let me see how much you really want to do this. You know, before these corporations came in,

you know how you got a job, Lee? You went into a construction site, and you go, who's the boss here? How are you doing? Do me a favor. I like to be a hot carrier

for three days for free. At the end of the three days you don't want to pay me, I'll walk away. But I'm going to be the best fucking hot carrier you have in this motherfucker. And you make that commitment to yourself because you owe that to yourself.

You owe that to yourself. You owe that to yourself. in so many fucking ways in 2007 I'm sitting in my room doing the most I'm doing heroin every Monday in 2007 and I'm thinking of them myself I did these movies why do I do this to myself it's like Billy Crystal's 500 Sundays or whatever Jesus Christ I'm sitting there going what am I doing to myself that that that that that makes me want to do this I'm getting opportunities here that I never dreamed of I I never dreamed of.

But you know what? I create those opportunities. The work ethic, I don't believe you could be weak in that aspect of it. Work ethic is work ethic. I told you, Richie Werdeman, before he hired you, he made you sweep. He watched how you fucking sweep. You didn't pick up that blue thing in the paper. There's no reason why I have you here.

There's no reason. I'm not going to fucking hire you. I don't care who son you are. I don't care who. I'm not going to hire you. Why not? didn't pick up that blue thing. He walked past the thousand fucking times. I saw him on camera.

It's those little things that let you get a job. People don't do that no more. And listen, I thought the world owed me something to. Everybody thinks the world owes you something. Everybody. I'm a bad motherfucker. I do this, I

do that. The day you realize that they don't know you dick is a fucking cold reality at least I say that. But it's you know I see it here I see it here all the time and I sit there and I scratch my head how I could call a young comic

and he's eating dinner on a Friday night at 9 o'clock with his girlfriend a young comic what does that do to your insides they burn because let's do dinner at 7 and let me go watch the comics so the fucking kill it kill it

out of the three clubs in L.A., there's got to be one comedy club that there's a comedian that you like or you emulate that you want go watch on a Friday night in LA. It could be Dane Cook, could be Joe Rogan, could be Bill Burke, could be Mark Marin, could be Sebastian Manascalco.

So do you understand what I'm saying to you? Honey, let's go eat. I'm going to go down to the comedy storm to watch Sebastian. I'm going to come back up here. That's what a comic does. You learn the game. So this is a seven-night of... I always tell comics. When you move to L.A., it's six months. It's like when you get

out of rehab. What do they tell you when you go to rehab? When you got to go to a meeting the first 90 days, same thing with L.A. You pack your bags, you get an apartment. Once the apartment, that lease is signed, you get down, you get Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and you list the places you're going to go. And I guarantee every night you're like, man, I'm fucking tired.

When you get up and you get to that place, somebody's going to come up to you. So that was a good set. We're doing tomorrow night, 10.30. You want to work for 50 bucks? And you're like, man, thank God, and stay home and watch 30 Rock. Yeah.

Why do you think? Because it's pretty, I've heard a lot of stories on podcasts about how, working for the comedy story, you make like 25 bucks a night. But even, and how terrible it was, but even with all that, comics keep coming and doing it. And they don't, I don't think they feel like they're getting jipped. I feel like, do you think it's like they see the positives about it?

When I walked out of the comedy store in 2007, after I found that fat ball in my neck and all the rogue and stuff, part of the reason was all that. But the other half was that the comedy store wasn't to me when it wanted. I had disrespect at the comedy store. It wasn't the shrine that it's supposed to be to me at that time. The first four years at the comedy store, it meant everything to me. It meant everything to me.

Just to be doing sets of 1245. Just to be so fortunate to tell people, when I'm on the road, yeah, I got spots at the store and see their face, fucking melt. But then towards the end, it just became a cocaine place for me and a place just to talk shit and whatever. and think I ran it. And I left there. Now, look at the comedy store, what it is.

It is the best place in the fucking world to do comedy at. And I'm very privileged to be there. That's why I only go there three days a week when I'm in town. Because I don't want it to become just another place to me. So when a young comic comes out here with a dream, you don't think I worked the door for 25 bucks? I used to work the door on Sunday nights, my friend. and she used to give me the MC job.

You'd do both? So I would work the door from 7 to 10, then MC, from 10 to 11, I'd get the fuck out of there. 25 bucks. Did you ever hear me complain on this show all those years? No, I didn't even know you did it. It was my dream. I didn't do it like other, like Caparulo was a doorman.

Mike Fabeman, they were doorman. Rick Ramos. Those guys were fucking doorman. They sat people. I didn't do that. They made me security in the back. Mitzie liked me. So just go stand the back $25 for a few hours just to put extra money in my pocket.

It's a dream. Yeah. If I want to fucking be a tightrope walker, right? Like if I want to walk a tight rope in my life, I'm going to go talk to the people at Circus DeSalle. And what do you think when you walk in there at Circus DeSle and you walk up to the guy and go, how are you doing? They're going to go, I come back the first Tuesday of the month. and if you do well, you can train with us.

And then in time, we'll give you a location. You follow me? Right. You don't think that fucking muscle-bound skinny dude is going to fucking move to Vegas. Train with them for six hours a day. They don't pay you to train. And then you're a waiter at night.

It doesn't matter. When you get that dollar tip, you look at it. It doesn't matter because that's not my dream. I'm doing my dream in the daytime. And eventually I'm going to get called up. that's the dream that's the fucking dream eventually i'm gonna get called up i wish i'm fortunate enough to come in the first day they make me and put me on the show you know or barnum burly circus or whatever the

fucking thing is you know what i'm saying when you first go to those circuses you think they give you 60,000 a year the first fucking year probably not no you probably get fucking ten dollars a show and you got to sleep with the fucking dancing bear or some shit it's uh do you think I'm just thinking how sad it would be to put all that work in and not make it because there has to be not everyone can make it well

I always think about not putting the work in and not making it that's what always scares me not putting the work in and not making it and joking around and thinking everything is a joke and one day waking up going man I could have fucking done something if I would have worked a little harder that's what I didn't want to wake up to right now

right now this podcast when I go on the road and shows are sold out I'm very lucky every morning I wake up look we're lucky we didn't get shot last night you know I had a friend last week they got into a car accident and they went to the hospital they stitched them up

while they blood tested them they found that they got colon cancer after you got sight swiped you know I got another friend in Miami last week that walked into a fucking subway sandwich came out took two bites and had died of a fucking heart attack They're fucking going to bring them back to New Jersey tomorrow.

We're 53 years old. So when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I say is, how fucking lucky am I to just be involved in this? You think that this thing now, when I can go to Minneapolis and one of the shows are sold out, you think that happened because I'm a good guy? That happened because I punched the clock 20 years ago. I punched the clock 20 years ago.

But I tell you what, let's pretend that would have came to LA. And the only thing I would have done was that one line on Spider-Man, too. And one day I fucking get fucking diabetes and my leg falls off and I got to move to a home in Nebraska. While I'm sitting in that fucking home with my leg up and my stubbed there, you know what? I did it. I gave it 100%. And you know what? I got into one movie that I never thought I'd get into and I got to do comedy with some of the greatest comics ever.

I did that. But I did that because I tried and I worked. I didn't do that because I hung out with somebody or I lit their cigarettes or I rubbed their fucking feet or whatever. I did that because I did my own thing. No matter what, I kept going. Kept going. Kept going. Kept going.

And that's it. And if this wouldn't have happened, at least I would have known I gave it everything I got. Not knowing that I didn't give it everything. That's the fucking, that's the fucking heartbreak. Do you ever, so you don't look back and think that you could have, like, you try to live to make sure there's nothing you could have done more? I could have done a lot of fucking things.

I could have done a lot of things, but this is where I ended up. And this is the fucking card I got. I got dealt the hand, and I did the best I could with the hand. You want me to lie to you and tell you I didn't wish I was on two sitcoms and have two shows that were in syndication? That'd be great. You don't think I wish I would have had four HBO specials, and people would have shook my hand and looked at me a lot different

and gave me a different type of respect. I wish I could have done those things, but I didn't. But this is what I did do. You know what I'm saying? Right. And this is the chip path that was given to me And I did the best I can with it The best I fucking could with this

To my knowledge I got one agent He's half fucking brain dead You know I got another agent That books me on the road I don't have management I don't have CAA backing I don't have you know

You know I don't go to fucking premieres I don't do anything like that But if I wanted to I could I just don't because it's not who the fuck I am I don't want to be seen with this guy Taking a picture with somebody Don't mean the fucking world to me None of that shit

does just surviving and doing the best I fucking can and that's what should mean the best to everybody even if my parents are rich I'm so happy in so many ways my mom died Lee oh Jesus because she was raising me with an attitude that I had the world coming I had it coming to me there was one part of her and there was one part of her that I was spoiled that I didn't like today I don't like that. I don't like the covering she did for me. I don't like the not the lies, but the blind eyes she turned to me

at a certain age. You mean that she hid stuff from you? No, no, no, no, no. I know my mom knew I was involved in things at an early age. She didn't want to... I used to hang out with this kid Eddie when I was like in the seventh grade. And one day Eddie came to me and he goes, one day we were talking in the room, you were there,

and your mom asked me if I could give her a joint. My mom knew what I was doing. She just didn't talk to me. about it. There's an episode of when Jackie dies in the Sopranos of Prio. Okay. And they go back to the house and they're drinking

and Meadow tells the sister that when they were kids, whenever Jackie would do something, they would ask them, don't you care what your parents think? And he would always say they don't give a shit.

That was partly me. That line has always destroyed me because it's the truth my mother didn't give a shit no way you know she put enough trust in me and today I wish she wouldn't have trusted me that much really hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah I was talking to tell you about this yesterday you from the age of 1 to 16 you can't be a better parent you know like you have to be involved you can't be involved enough for that for that child to have a chance as a child child. You have to be very involved.

Even then, you have no guarantees. But again, at least you know you did your best. You know, I would hate to sit there and go, well, Mercy became a fucking dirty whore. Because from the age of 13 to 17, I was fucking some 20-year-old, and I wasn't there to guide her.

Yeah, that would be fucked up. So as a parent, you always have to be involved. I love that my mom trusted me and gave me freedom. When I told my mom, I'm going to Lee's house to sleep over. She'd go, okay, a mom would go, grab the phone, let me talk to Lee's mom. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. She don't even know. No, no, let me talk to Lee's mom. Let me see what if you're true. My mom didn't do that. I wish she would have, because I wouldn't have gone to the neck game that now on the bus,

at 3 in the morning. I wouldn't have done a lot of things I did, you know? But don't, do you regret doing those things? 50% of them. Really? Not much? Listen, man, I did a lot of crazy shit as an 11 and 12 and 13 year old that I shouldn't have fucking done going into the city and walking around and I shouldn't have done that. Am I happy I did it? Yes, it's who I am today. It's part of who the fuck I am today.

I think my mom in a way was very smart also. She looked at herself and she knew what to expect of me. You know, that's what a smart parent does. They look at themselves and they go, Let's see if my kid's going to go for it. If they're anything like me, they're going to go for it. What do you see of yourself and mercy? She's by the book, which I used to be by the book.

That's why I live in hell a lot of time because I was very by the book growing up. I was a nerd. You know, like I was telling you the other day, we played ball in the living room with the stuffed animal that she's got. And if she drops it, she won't let me pick it up. She has to pick it up and throw it to the mother

because she won't break the rotation. There's so many little things that she doesn't like when I tap my foot, and she'll tell me 15 times, no, no, no, no, no, no. And she'll plin it my foot, you know what I'm saying? You're a fucking asshole. You know, when I was a kid, I was such an asshole. Like, my mom would smoke a cigarette in the cab and throw the cigarette on the floor and step on it, and I would say prayer.

Like, I thought the cab was going to blow up. You know, like, I didn't trust my mother enough. And then I'd say shit to my mom, like, you know, And my mom would go, who the fuck are you? What are you fucking crazy? I don't give a fuck with the cops. You know, she did something once. They took me to a police station in the first grade.

And then you shoot a gun and you get fingerprinted, you know, like as a school trip. Yeah. And everything they told me, I took the heart. So, like, I went to a bar a week later, like, the inspector. Like, you can't have that day. And my mom's like, go, fuck yourself. I can do whatever the fuck I want. No.

The policeman, fuck you and the policeman. No! No, I'll call the cops right for it. You know? Like, I was by the book. Mercy's going to be by the book. I see it already. I see little things, you know?

This morning we took a... You know my wife cried when we dropped her off today? Why? Because we walked in with her. She got out of her little fucking sled. You know? I take the lunch from my wife

and her and me and Mercy walk the lunch in. I hope up the refrigerator. I put the lunch in. And right there, pick Mercy up. And I always say, I love you in Spanish. And I'll see you at 5 o'clock, all right? And she hugs me and she goes down. Then she walks out and says bye to the mom.

And then Terry has to chase after her and take the binky from her and give her a hug and a kiss. Well, today I dropped her. She ran right to the mom. Put the fucking binky and the mom said and said, Mom, see you later. Really? Hilarious. And then this is where it gets ugly.

She goes, okay, my class line up. Mercy, stop what she was doing. And when my wife went to look, Mercy was standing on. line and my wife looked at me and she goes you know what mercy's a good little girl look at her online already waiting and she cried half the fucking block man I had a hugger and shit really seriously man it was it was my wife isn't so yeah you want to raise you know the other day I was home Monday you know I took mercy to the park why because it was 930 and I go we got to get out in fact I left without a diaper she should

the self as the park had to call my wife to bring a fucking diaper at 12 o'clock because i my goal like i told my wife my wife because you brought everything you did great except the diaper why did you i go because my goal was to get her out of the house how can i not practice what i preach i want her to have the same thing i want her to see it and in the mornings we got to go we got shit to do what we got to do i don't know but it's better than what we're going to do here something's out there we got to do. So I take her outside. We walked out on the corner. We walked back. I put it inside the fence. You know, I can't wait to start writing with her in the mornings. That's the first thing I'm going to teach you how to write in the morning when you wake up. Fuck cartoons. Before breakfast

come out, do what you need to do. You know, you've got to be in school at nine, get up at fucking seven. Give yourself two hours. Wake up. Give yourself some time. You know what I'm saying? Learn how to do time, you know, write in the morning, maybe read a chapter. What are you giggling about it? She's going to end up going to Harvard under that. It's not Harvard, man. It's a work ethic. You really hurt my finger before when you're like these fucking millennials. These millennials are whatever the fuck they are, millennials,

whatever the fuck people they call themselves. What do you think I call myself a 60-ish? I don't call myself a 60-s. No, we don't call ourselves that. I think it's just a term people are using. No one walks around saying I'm a millennial. No. He says, I'm a fucking jerk off, fucking millennial.

But they call him that. And that's, no, you're a human being, you have needs, you have dreams. And you have expectations. You have fucking expectations from your family, from yourself. We all do. And that's always, like I've told you before, that's, I don't, one part I don't buy about the sopranos is the way the kids acted. Because I don't, I never understood.

Well, look at the son. The son was soft. He was soft, but not. No, he was soft. He was soft. He had a fucking yellow car. Yeah, but if he was your son, he wouldn't have come out that way. No.

People can be softer people, but if you have a good parenting, they'll turn out fine. Just like when she put her, when Meadow put the glass out for the juice and was annoyed that the mom wouldn't give her juice when she was in college. Like, if I ever put my hand out with my glass and didn't say anything, my mom, my mom, or throwing the juice at me. Like, there's no way. Like, I just, and I know a lot of kids, I know a lot of kids I grew up with,

that grew up a certain way. And now they have kids and they are a little firmer with them. Like, I've seen that kid, and I'm like, hmm, you know, it makes sense. It doesn't happen to be firm. And there's a lot of calls I have to make in the next 10 years if I'm alive.

There's a lot of calls I have to make that I have to make, to be honest with her. and they have to be that call at that time. You know, I can't sit Mercy down at 7 until I didn't blow and I looked out windows and shit like that. You know, so she's going to ask me.

Right. Did you do drugs? I got to give her a fucking answer. That's not a truth and it's not a lie. It's what's best for everybody involved at that time. That's what I didn't know. Those are little things where my mom made a mistake. It wasn't a truth and it wasn't a lie.

It's what's best involved. for the family at this time. When you're 10, I'll sit you down and tell you a little chit-chat. And then when you're 12, I'll sit you down again and give you another little chit-chat about what happened. But I'm not going to sit there and glamorize it in front of you because the odds are.

I don't want booze in my refrigerator. I don't want soda in that refrigerator. There's no soda in that fucking refrigerator. We bought those six bottles to you guys that were coming over for those Cuban sandwiches the yard day. Besides that, there's no soda in my house. Dee, are you just coming up with like this idea for for telling her now or is this Have you been thinking about it as a kid because like I can think of stuff that I don't I didn't like that my parents did that as a sense that I was six I knew I wasn't gonna do

You know kids drink because they see somebody drink Kids drink because they come home and you're drinking in front of your fucking kid right so I'm gonna how many times you could tell them don't drink they see you fucking drinking so where do you stand So when you're going to get mad because your kid drinks? No, if you don't want your kid to drink, you got to get rid of everything in the fucking house. You know, I told you the other day, I went to McDonald's with Mercy. I had a quarter pound. I had like four fries and a diet fucking Coke, and my wife got a tea, and I took a couple of sips out of that. It was a great quarter pound.

Do I do it every day? No, you know why? Because as a child, I wasn't allowed to eat fast food. I would only eat fast food two weeks of the year when I went to Miami with my cousins. Maybe all of it? Not every day. They wouldn't eat fast food either, but in the afternoons, if you go swimming or you go to the beach,

you go to McDonald's, they're going to take it right chicken. Those are the only places I ever really went to. One time in the Bronx, I went to Jack and the Box, and I got the fishing sticks, and they were fucking horrid. Oh, God. I don't like fish and chips You know, I have a pen pal in prison

I have a friend of ours that got locked up in a federal prison And he's been gone for about two months now And I've written him like four letters And he's written me like four letters Maybe five letters, you know I try to write him every two weeks I keep him off guard

Because I want him to get the letter For him to be happy You know, the letter came the other My wife was doing She goes, I didn't know you wrote this guy in jail She goes, why do you do that? And it's because I know what it feels like to get a letter in fucking jail. That's, when did you decide to do it?

I told him before he got locked up. I told him when he told me he was going away. I said, I'm going to send you some fucking letters. What do you talk about? How you doing? What's going on in there? Like handwritten letters? Yeah, I handwritten letters.

Fuck yeah, Lee. You can't fucking type up a fucking letter and send to somebody. That's not heartfelt enough. got a handwrite that fucking thing you know and that's what I'm saying you're looking for a job okay what's Lee doing I go to Lee's house Lee gets his fucking stupid resume

with his bio and he sends it to this guy all right I go to chit chit chick whatever's house he does the same thing you got a standard bio a standard fucking resume or whatever your college education you send it in you know the guy like joey dears does he sends you the bio

the fucking resume and a handwritten letter right fucking there right there in the package handwritten I love to work for your company I know you made fortune number 64 this has been a dream I do background information you mail that to the motherfucker

and then you take another one and you email that package so you email one and you mail one and if you don't hear none in 10 days you drop it off and you call that motherfucker I don't give a fuck if it says no calls that's for regular people

so on call that's for regular people Something that my mom taught me and I'd always say when I had job interviews was I also sent one to the secretary When he went in because they're like they're the ones who are gonna be talking to him about and it's It made a difference a few like I don't the only time I ever got a call about not getting a job was because I did that for a secretary Like you never get a call saying you don't get it. You just never hear It's really weird all the little tactics so that nothing bothers me more when I hear I can't get a job because of all the immigrants. I don't want to hear that.

And I don't want to hear that you can't get a job, period. You know, okay, can you get a job in your field? No. Now, how badly do you need a job? I need a bad. I'm living off credit cards. Okay, we can get a job. We get a job.

There's jobs. Trust them, I'm telling you. They're building all up and down here on Riverside. They're building. Everywhere they're building. They're knocking down by where I live. They're knocking down the house next week. The one that's empty

We're in front of That's all going down They're building condos I'm sorry I don't give a fuck That's just the way life is When you see construction That's a job

Yeah But you don't want to outwork The Mexican guys See we're all scared That we're gonna look bad Because he doesn't give a fuck He comes in at 6 And he'll stay till 7

He doesn't need to go to a fantasy football league He doesn't need to go to a dart league He doesn't need to do a lot of fucking things you know he doesn't need to go to his son's recital that dude told his son that morning listen I can go to your recital and you gotta eat salad this week or I could fucking work and you can eat hamburgers

what do you think mommy'll go to my recital okay everybody understands everybody fucking understands yeah my dad worked nights and weekends my entire life it's a work ethic thing and I'm sick and tired of fucking and it's and it goes from comedy to be in a student, to being a plumber,

whatever the fuck you want to be, the work ethic has to be there. And you know what work ethic is? It's not working like an animal. It's getting the most for the time that you're there. Have you ever read 40-hour work week by Tim Ferriss? I haven't read it.

I heard it's great. Like four-hour, whatever it is, but that's the whole theory behind it. That people are working. And whenever I worked in an office, most of the day was a waste. You could definitely short on the day. If you work like an animal,

most jobs, you're done by fucking 10 o'clock. Then you could jiggle around. And that's when you realize as a business owner, right there you start learning as a business owner. Wow. I'm wasting a lot of money in payroll. I'm wasting. You see what you waste in payroll.

You see all the fucking cuts. Somebody, Twitter, just laid off a bunch of people. Oh, really? 300 fucking people, 3,000? I don't fucking know. They're paying them a lot of money. but that's a big thing that's always killed me. Last night that conversation was a great conversation we had

because it was particularly about a couple friends of ours that are comedians and they don't complain about it that things aren't happening, but they're not doing nothing to change their status. I never complained much, Lee. I had a long talk of myself. I made some notes and I knew what I had to do. There's what you've got to do. And then when you have the opportunity, you really got to hit it out of the fucking park.

But it's, it is hard when you're living it to see what you're doing wrong sometimes. Sometimes you need either someone to do it or you need something bad to happen so you can look back and be like, oh, I was being an asshole. We live and we learn, Lee. That's why you keep going every day. That's why you keep going every day. So you understand me, that's just compromises. So that time when I was telling you on the weekends, that's what I was trying to tell you.

That is a compromise. You just cannot sit there all day until the night. Then at 6 o'clock decide to go to the fucking gym. Who goes to the gym at 5 when you got up at 9? I don't mind it, but it is better to do it early. No. Get it out of the way. Go run your errands.

So now when you sit there, when I watch TV at night, you know why I watch TV? Why? Because I know nothing's going to happen. I know that I can watch this TV and I don't have to get up in an hour. If I want to watch another episode, I can watch another episode on Netflix, and nobody's there. There's nothing I can do.

I can bring the notebook out with me and make little notes. But by 12 o'clock, my mind's your guts anyway. So I might as well watch something, get entertained so you could entertain. Yeah, it's, I was thinking about it. I was here today, and I went to go get lunch, and I was going to drive. How was the food? It was okay. What did you get?

Beef and broccoli. I was. Nothing out of this world No, the property was pretty good But It's like a couple streets down It's hot, I was thinking about driving But I decided to walk

And I was thinking about how People say they're bored a lot Like even I feel bored a lot sometimes But there's no possible way to be bored now Like there's just so much Out there That it's not even possible And then people don't know how to act

Listen, I get a notebook every Monday And I write down Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I write BJJ 10 a.m. Write one hour. Right. BJJ 10 a.m. Podcast 3 p.m., blah, blah, blah. That's a schedule of the shit that I have.

That's the obvious. But I know that I could sit there. I know that there's always a joke to be written. I know there's always a chapter and a book to be written. I know there's always a chapter to be outlined. I know that there's a bio to be written. I know that there's notes to make on the podcast.

There's always something you could be doing. Always. You know? And this is if you're an independent contract. I talk to you as if you're an independent contractor, i.e. a car salesman. You're an independent contractor. Yeah.

They give you shifts to work. If you work those shifts, You won't make a dime. You won't make a dime. Can you go in outside of your shifts? Yeah. Oh, okay. You understand what I'm saying?

I didn't know. So Monday's 2 to 9. Wednesday is 9 to 3.30. Wednesday you're off. Thursday, 2 to 9, Friday. Now, those shifts that you get, if you just work those shifts, you won't make no money.

Not in the beginning, you won't. In the beginning, you have to be there all the time and after about six, eight a year, you learn the patterns of the store. Oh. You learn patterns of the store. First of all, people call in the line. So I'm going to sit next to a phone. I'm going to be fucking close to a phone because I'm going to hear sales call line one.

Boom. How are you doing this lease I had? How can I help you today? Okay. That's the main thing people do now. So you wouldn't wait on the lot? I'd wait on the lot, but I'd have a fucking portable right on me, right on the fucking rock. Oh, okay.

ready to fucking rock, okay? Because sales line one. So after a few years there, not only do you get sales from hunting, you get sales from Lysayat. Lysayat went to a wedding, showed his card to his cousin, the cousin liked it. Where did you get? I got it from Joey Dears.

Go talk to Joey Dears. His wife shows, you follow me? How I keep that alive is because I send Lysiac cards. I send Lysiac cards. Easter card, Christmas card, New Year's card. Every three months, I send Lisa I had a card for some.

Every three months, I send a different stock of people cards. You have to keep a record. If not, you'll send everybody the same. You follow me? So there's always a card to send. Right? There's always a call. You know what?

I call Lisa at every three months, and I send them a card every nine months. You follow me? Hey, Lee, how you don't enjoy your ideas? I see you've had your car for two years. How's it going? Guess what? Paula's car, that fucking guy's never called. Yeah.

My guy calls me on my birthday. There's always something to do. Always something to do when you're an independent contract. Always. And now the way it is when you're working for companies, they want you to do that over time too. And if you want to get a promotion, you're going to have to work from home. Uber just had a commercial on TV a couple weeks ago.

Yeah. Make how much over the summer. Oh, wow. Remember they had a commercial that was running? Did you not see it on TV? You can make 30,000 this summer working. Do you think that you make that working fucking two to five with Uber? No.

You're working midnight. You're fucking hustling. You're working 12 hour days. You're working 12 hour days. Guess what else you're going to do? You're going to put mince in the back. You're going to put a newspaper in the back. You're going to put a TV in your car in the back.

That's how you get an Uber. So you get returned business. It's not exactly. it's not in like most people's fields like if they went to college, but Uber and Lyft have pretty much eradicated like being

unemployed. If you have a car, there's no reason you should be unemployed. You can make money every day? There's what I'm saying. There is no reason in today's economy that you should not have a job. There's jobs out there. If you're not, if you don't have a job, I'm sorry. Some of you are getting pissed off

at me. If you don't have a job, it's because you're not looking or because you're not looking at level below. Well, I know Uber has a thing that they will finance a car for you, even if you don't have a car and they'll just take it out of your paycheck. No shit. So there's

no reason not to get a job. No shit. Yeah. Lot to think about. Let me give some fucking shoutouts we get the fuck out of here. Paul Lynch, Bobby Sharon, and Crystal down there making t-shirts. Jack Bratcher. Timothy

Ward. I want to give a shout to Gothenburg, Sweden, you bad motherfuckers. Also my man over at fucking what's his guy's name? Jimmy Page 666 Hash Star and T.K. Buff. I love you

cocksuckers. What's up, buddy? I can't call it. Just getting ready to go to Minneapolis. I'm excited. Just been a little weird the last couple of days when I found out My buddy died. This kid that died was a kid that had two other brothers.

Somebody sent me an email about a week ago. And it was a young kid and he goes, Uncle Joey, I know what you're going to say, but I'm in college. I'm going to frat. And all my friends around me do coke. Should I try it? And I read the email like on Thursday. It took me a couple days to answer.

You know, because it's really hard for me to tell somebody no. They're going to look at me and go, well, you fucking did it, you know. And I'll tell you what I've learned recently, man, the last couple weeks especially. Because the couple, they got into the car accident and she found out she had colon cancer. They've never stopped. Like, I was doing blow with them in 1995. From 1989 to 1995, I did blow with those people twice a week. And they're still doing it now?

And they're doing something completely different now. And it's like somewhere you had to stop. My friend that died in Florida, I heard today that he died eating a sandwich. He just killed over. Oh, no. He had been gone for the last 15 years. But let me tell you something. This kid double majored in college.

He was handsome as shit. He had all his teeth. And one day they figured out how to sell blown, make a ton of money selling it. And I'll never forget one night in 1984, going out of his house, eating dinner, and going outside. He's like, I got to go. I got to be outside selling coke. And he was in front of his house. And there was maybe, you know that line for In and Out?

Yeah. It was like that, like eight cars deep. Whoa. And a cop drove by, he just waved at the cop. And then I left in 85, and I heard stories how they had millions. They got robbed. They did this. They did that.

Then they ended up moving to Florida, and he stayed down there. And I see him in 97 and 98, and he was married to Omar Visckel's cousin or sister. Oh, cool. And then he got divorced. from her and it all went downhill. And in like 2003, I did this movie about this Jamaican thing.

Oh, Lee. A SAG movie. They didn't give me the script. I got down there. You got to go to Jamaica? Yeah, it was a coach ticket. And when I got down, I got fired. Because I complained. I'm like, where the fuck is the script? What the fuck is the Pardium money?

How come I'm in the room with another man? You know, what the fuck? And they fired me, and I took the plane back in Jamaica to Miami and my flight wasn't until the next day. So I called him up. I go, Kurt, come get me. Oh my God, was it a mistake?

He picked me up and when you put the brakes on, all you hear would be bottles breaking in the back seat. You looked at the back seat and it was just stacks of vodka bottles. He was drinking straight, just throwing it into the back seat. This kid was clean, kept his nails clean when we were grown up, was handsome, was always just his clothes were always ironed.

You should have seen him. His feet were dirty, his hands were dirty. We went back to his house. He didn't have a front door. It was just a piece of plywood with a fucking string around it. He lived in like this fucking high-end building. But the cops had broken into his condo. So the door was made on a sheetrock. There was no appliances in the fucking living room in the kitchen.

He had sold them all. He had a cooler with ice and he had beers in there. The living room had no furniture. The kitchen, the bathroom had a toilet seat and no shower curtain. The shower curtain. He was just drinking too much? He was doing everything. Oh, my God.

And then I was friends with the family. I knew them since the late 70s. They were like America's perfect family. Three beautiful boys, a great mom, a great dad. You could go over there and bullshit. The brother was always a junkie, the older one. But when I was friends with Bonehead, that was my dog. Me and my other buddy worked for him, his plumbers' helpers.

and he would take us into the city even when we were 17, we'd go to McSorley's alehouse and drink with him and he'd buy us eight volumes for $10 and he'd go get heroin and then we'd drive back to Jersey and he'd be nodding and shit. This is what I put up with it.

I loved him. I loved him. So the story, they were doing great. The brother's living in Miami. The one brother's living in Vegas with his wife and the family's living in Jersey down the shore. The brother that was living in Vegas, Bonehead, moves back with his girlfriend

over the holidays and Christmas Day. she kills herself in the house. What? Comes out of the bathroom, kills herself. Shot heroin passes out and dies in the house. It never ended after that. She died.

Amiel moved to Miami. He OD'd on heroin. He died. The mother died. The other brother lost all his money selling fish. I mean, he was one of my best fucking friends. We don't talk no more.

Why not? Just water under the bridge, man. Just shit happens between friends. You know, he just got crazy. I couldn't have it. I couldn't have it in my life anymore, you know? I was trying to do something, and I'm getting served with papers at my door. He used my license and bought a fucking freezer and shit.

You know, these are kids that I grew up with that were fucking out of control. And you know what? Today I feel sorry. If I had the money, I would do a documentary on them to show people the effect of drugs. And what happened? So the whole family was on drugs? The three brothers. But what really killed them, I think, was selling the drugs and making all that money.

When you're buying condos and cars and you're buying companies with Coke money, it's a different level. And when you've got to think about it, let's say he had 10 customers like me. Hey, nobody put a gun to my head. I bought that fucking Coke because I wanted to. Right. But you know what? He sold me that fucking dream. He sold me that death.

He made it easy for me. I'm not saying. I'm not talking out of content here. I'm not saying that fucking, they were bad people. I was selling Coke, too. But just the way the family ended up, if you put me and him in a room in 1984

and had 10 people bet $1,000 on who was going to turn out better, who was going to live today with 70 and turn out better, nobody would have bet on me. Really? Nobody would have bet on me at 20. And when Kurt was 21, if they would have put us in the room together, Nobody would have fucking bet on me at that time.

Nobody. I'm telling you right now. You want to know the star? No. Why now? What's the problem? Let's go more. It's Wednesday night. It's a Jewish holiday.

What the fuck? It's a podcast. What's with this gloom and doom today? Get it together, cocksucker. Who's cool? Lamar Oldham is in a hotel room. He got bad pussy. A hotel room?

He's fulming from the fucking mouth. That's when you know that asshole's raw over that Dennis Hobbs fucking house of horrors up there. I ain't fucking man. He's 90 coming in here with 20-year-old chicks with fucking the herb. I love it. Been a fucked up week.

It was good. We had a nice little week. We did some acid. We fucking got the party started. Ari was funny. That tape that Duncan sent me was one of the most funniest thing. I still look at it and laugh. Some people got really offended.

I texted to a lot of fucking people. And some people are like, Joey, how can you send me this? I thought it was hysterical. I've never seen me laugh that hard. The hardest I've ever seen you laugh. I didn't know what it was. When I opened up that box and I saw that man jumping around,

I didn't know what the fuck to expect. So what did you end up saying back in the email? To who? To the guy who asked you if he should do coke. I told him not at all. Not even to open up that vault. Because it would be so good? Huh?

Because he couldn't hook him? Listen, man. It's a great time. It was a great time for me. me. I sold my soul for it. It was a great time. I couldn't do anything without it. I couldn't even think of going to a bar without a package.

Like if you called me and said, you want to go have a drink, you got a package? No, forget it. I'm not going on. embarrassing myself. If I go out, it's to be fucked up and coked up and be an asshole, you know? So I bought the package. I don't ever want anybody else to buy that fucking package.

Ever. There's no happiness at the end of it. You want to smoke a joint, man? I don't know anybody who loses their teeth over weed. I don't know anybody who loses their job of weed. Unless they piss dust you and you smoke. You know, Nick Diaz lost his fucking license over weed, you know, unless you can't. I can't.

You can't. Nobody pissed at you, you know. That'd be kind of weird if you did that. So I never know people who died from weed, you know. And so far, in my 52 years, that's the only thing that keeps people out of trouble. They're smoking a little weed at home and fucking minding your business. That's it. So, look, where do you draw the line then?

because there are people who are, like, younger kids who listen to this. If you do Coke, I am not mad at you. I'm not here to judge nobody. What I'm telling you is I wouldn't fucking do it today. Because now, like everybody, like anybody who was involved with it and didn't stop, it's not fucking good. Well, my question was like sort of, so we do, we, we, we, it's cool. Like, I didn't know if acid was cool mushrooms. Like, what's, how do you, where do you draw that line?

Like if people, because you don't want to... Well, it's pretty tough to tell somebody not to eat asses that they just tuned in and saw us giggling here with Ari on the fucking floor. Yeah. I had a lot of fun, Lee. I had a lot of fun as a kid doing drugs. Today you don't know what the fuck is in this Molly. You don't know what the fuck is in half this shit.

But you know what? But I know what? But I know it was in that T. The Kirste when I was putting up my nose? Not fucking really. Yeah. Do I have regrets, Lee? I don't fucking know.

But I tell you what? I don't think anybody should do anything past weed. That's what I feel like. You want to do some mushrooms and some ass? I don't know. Do it at your own fucking discretion, but you better be prepared. Like you were.

You had to be prepared. I felt bad a couple times. Why? Because you just had this look on your face of fear. It was a lot. It was a lot. I was having a good time. I know you were having a good time.

I gave it to you because you'd have a fucking good time. Would everybody have that experience? I don't fucking know, Lee. I just don't think that this, you know, like I said the other day, the only reason why I started partying and doing the acid was because I knew musicians did it and they got creative from it.

I didn't even know about comedy then. I just wanted my mind to go into different directions. I didn't even know what creative meant when I fucking did acid. I just thought my mind would go somewhere else. That's it. And I would never, you'd do it, I think, because I would never choose to do it. And then also you've, like, you always joke

like the Russians will get me. But, like, I just took 500 milligrams. and I'm having, like, I'm still, like, alive. Like, most of these people take a 10 milligram edible, and they're out. You know, there's people who read these books by these people who trip, and they get impressed, that they eat mushrooms and shit.

I never read a book. I never let up fucking high times. I didn't know nothing. I prefer it to live it. I prefer, give me that fucking thing. Let's see. Give me half of it. Let's go.

You eat half. You're tripping. You eat another fucking half. You have a good time? we do it again next weekend. That's how I lived. But it was a different fucking time, Lee.

Right. You know, I mean, who the fuck eats acid? I thought I'd never see acid again 10 years ago. It's making a comeback, I guess. Really?

I don't know. I never thought I would do it. Like, I never thought I would do anything. What did you think? What did you think? I have no idea. From talking to people.

People, all I heard was hallucinations. Like, I thought it would be like colors and, and like, monkeys running around and, one more hit.

I could have make that happen for you. Really? That would, okay. So, One more hit of that shit for sure. One more hit of that shit for sure. You're looking at the room and you get stuck in that picture of Charles Bronson

and Charles Bronson's jaw drops and it pops right back up. That sounds terrible. And the paint waves and the Israeli flag waves. That type of shit is what I'm talking. If we go outside and you see a car drive by, you see the lights stay there. And you're like, oh, shit. Yeah. You know, we were giggling here watching fucking Peewee Herman.

You know, we were giggling like little fucking guy. just it's fun i don't know i'm not here to fucking i know it works for me i know the cocaine didn't work for me i know the heroin wouldn't never work for me i know that going out every night and doing fucking uh meth wouldn't fucking work for me so it's just knowing what works for you what keeps you together i guess yeah it's just it's weird how people like hallucinogenics have a better reputation but then it's like if you did if that stuff every night you don't If you do enough blow, you'll hallucinate. One night I did blow him bowl, I fucking hallucinate.

Really? Yeah, because it probably has speed in it. It makes you fucking go. I saw these people dressed in white, sliding down ropes on trees in the snow and running around with fucking Russian hats on. You know how scared I was, man? That was right after I got out of fucking prison.

I was in the halfway house. And I got a weekend furlough, and I said, I'm snorting my balls all Friday night. And I stayed at my in-laws trailer. They were like, if you want to stay up here, you can stay at the trailer, you have the TV and there and everything. So I stopped it up with beer in the morning. Nice.

And I came back that night with a fucking eight ball of some debt. And by the first gram, I was fucking hallucinated. I hallucinated a couple times on Coke. One night I saw guys with dogs out there. I thought that was the FBI. The fucking window shills were opening and closing. Remember when you kept saying you saw the rats running around in the trees? And when we got back from R.A. show,

You're like the jumping. I could see something in the trees. Oh, my God. You only see the little eyeballs. Let me give a sponsor. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Let's get the fuck out of here. What's happening, people?

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at the Stress Factory in November so cut it out, all right? We had a great week here you know I'm sorry about the podcast today. A little fucked up and it's nice and slow we answered some questions about work ethic

and you know I'm sick and tired of hearing that shit Mexicans are taking your jobs that means you got to work harder than the Mexican you're scared how can we be scared how can you be scared? how can you be scared to show what the fuck you really are you know right

I do it every day I don't give a fuck I need to work bro every fucking day seven days a week you gotta do something you can only hug your kids so much it's like Alan Baldwin says in that fucking movie good father fuck you you want to be a good father you gotta provide man you think I want to get on a plane every weekend and go no is that what you fucking think but I know it's better for me than to go sell cars

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I did this the best of my knowledge and I put the best in that I could man yeah so if you looked back you would be happy with what you did fuck yeah that's awesome man fuck yeah

I never expected one line in the movie when I came here you said you're gonna do movies stop I'm a piece of shit people like me don't do movies but then I realize this place is just about housework

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