The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #326 - Ryan Sickler

Episode Date: October 19, 2015

  Ryan Sickler, Comedian and Host of The CrabFeast Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: NextIssue.com/Joey for a free trial of the Magazine app Next Issue Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 10/18/15 Music:  Jungle Boogie - Kool and The Gang I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Into The Void - Black Sabbath  

This video I get more hits than anything I could ever even dream of putting up Look at that littlest thing We got that sent us And we were on assing Look at that That is the littlest

That's a, it's just like a swollen clip basically It looks like an acorn Look at that guy This is one of the funniest things Jesus Christ. And I can't put it on Twitter because they'll throw me off for sure. They will throw you up for sure. This will cancel my Twitter subscription for sure.

After the balls, you think they just never have you on a list? Oh, yeah. They're watching me now. People ratted me up. Oh, they did when they report you or something? Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Do they notify you that they're watching or are they just watching?

You know what? Bullichick is like Hitler's nephew. That's right, cocksuckers. That fucking video. It's painful, but it's hysterical at the same time. I sent it to some people who just did not appreciate it. Like two people called me back and I'm like, Joey, what the fuck? Yeah, Lee, take it this motherfucker over.

Okay. This podcast is brought to you by Next Issue. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world, most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. The best part is Next Issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to Nextissue.com slash Joey. So go to Nextissue.com slash Joey. They have all your favorite magazines, ESPN the magazine, and they're full color.

They're great. And they have some magazines even have bonus video content. Go to Nextissue.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by NailedAtLife.com. Go to NailedatLife.com. Use co-bored Joey Diaz to get 20% off. of your first order. And if you live in California, they are also the makers of Los Gumi Sermanos. Go to hit E-Sigs.com. That's hit letter E-sigs.com. Better tasting, longer

lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars and use code word Joey's church to get five for 50. And go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alphorraine, New Mood, Shrumb Tech, Immune, and ShumTex Sport. Oh shit. Sunday night. New England covers the spread more ways than one. October 18th, it's Monday morning for you, motherfuckers.

You're starting this week off with a fucking bang. What? Oh shit. Black people with fucking bombs. Stop it. Kick it. You know, I was like in the eighth grade when this came out. How lucky was I?

Kiggily. Kicking, kick it. Take this motherfucker. Ryan Sickle's mouth. Tung go boogie. Get it. Sixth grade when this came out. I remember going to like other high schools.

Like, kick it Lee. Don't turn this motherfucker off. I'll fucking stab you. So you're lucky you got this cool in the gang. The coolant gang I got was Cherish. Remember that one? Cherish, the love and all. That's cool in the gang I got.

This is fresh out of fucking Jersey. Was it Pulp Fiction that brought this back? That's what introduced me to this cool in the game. This is fucking tremendous. I knew the wrong cool in the game. Kigali, here we go. Hit it. Kigali.

That's fucking tremendous shit. That's fucking heavy duty. Ryan Sickler, Lee Syatt, the church of what's happening? Now what's happening, gentlemen? Had a fucking good weekend. How is you doing? I heard you drove up north. Yeah.

I had a great way. Someone started listening to the podcast and invite me to their, they homeschooled their kids, and they're starting a podcast studio. Someone set it up for them. It was a lot of fun. It was great. They treated me really nice. Got me a really nice hotel.

Went out for dinner. Your fruit basket? Yeah. Forget about it. I don't stop. It was great. You're in a hotel room at night rubbing your feet. Barely, I was there for, like, at most, like, 30 hours, 36 hours.

But it blew me away. Like, they're both 13. And it blew me away how much I don't know that's popular right now. And all I could think about was comedians. Like, do you guys ever, like, I'm only, one of my. eight years, nine years out of high school? Yeah, nine years. And I'm totally out of the loop now.

Do you guys make it a point to find out what's, like, current and keep, like... Yeah, yeah, I just used at home reading fucking mechanics and shit like that. Trying to find out what the new trend is. That's what I do all day. I sit around looking for the new hot fucking thing. Lee, I know nothing. I'm a fucking half an ape. I know nothing.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even have a microphone. I don't know nothing. Didn't understand me? I don't know what's going on. That's great that you get exposed to that. And that's what Ray Canella said. Ray Canella is a friend of the podcast. A kid I grew up with that.

I was in a band of him in the sixth grade. He worked for sci-fi. What was your band's name? You suck. That was the name. By the way, you got to hit me up with name. I wanted to know. I figured you guys had a good one.

No, we had no fucking name. We were lip-sinking, singing the Beatles, over fucking music with the Jackson Five. like four fucking momos. But my point being, he said that he kept watching his kids watching TV. And it was completely different. They watched television a different way. They watched them on demand or something.

And he went to sci-fi and kept telling him, things are changing. And sci-fi was like, nah, we're going to keep doing it. So he quit, and he fucking started this YouTube channel for horror people. And he's doing great with it. $7 a month, unlimited horror. He gets it from all over the world. he's been a horrible buff since we were growing up that was his thing he went to the movies in Jersey City

and he'd tell you and you're like Jesus he was such a nice guy and he had such a passion for what he did and now he's making a living from just because he saw the future so even as a comic I'm very fortunate you are too that we're part of the podcast thing I look at a lot of comics

still and go you don't have a podcast and you're not part of one you know right now you're suspect Even if your podcast sucks, you're suspect because you don't have one. People like, why wouldn't you have a fucking podcast? Everybody has a podcast, or at least is trying to put one together or is a part of one, a calls one in. If you're a comedian, I'm not talking about if you're, you know, a stockbroke, I work in 12-hour days busting your ass. Well, fucking assholes like me are making people laugh.

You guys work for real. You got no fucking time. It's just crazy how, like, how much competition there's for kids? How much they have to know now. Like, when I was talking to the parents, I brought up Cassius Morris and how he's been doing since he was 10. And, like, part of what I was doing up there was training, like, the 13-year-old girls to run the board and do everything that we're doing. And it's just, it's, and they're already animating stuff. And it's just crazy how much stuff there is for them now.

And how great, like, if you started a podcast, like, you said you met somebody this weekend who's been following you for 15 years. If there's a comedian now who's 16 or 18 and starts a podcast, by the time he gets to be 30, he'll definitely have people who were there from the beginning. How fucking crazy is that? I got a call from Roger Paul, maybe 16 years ago. Roger Paul's a fucking kinky guy. And whenever the phone rings, there's always going to be a, by the way. So they want to hire you in Milwaukee.

I had worked with a guy on a Yoda run. Oh, wait. Okay. What's a Yoda, right? Yoda is a guy to Michigan. Oh, Yoder. And 10 years ago, the father, old man, Yoda, 15, 20 years ago, if you're a comic and you were from the Midwest,

it was them and somebody else. But Yoda controlled the Midwest, whether you were dirty or clean. If he liked you, you covered your nut. He had 63 rooms and 22 weeks, like all the, those cities of Michigan, there was a comedy club that he booked. That's it. And they were all, some were B rooms, some were fucking

B rooms, some were A rooms. And he had Buffalo, he had Cleave, I mean, he had so many rooms. So I did a Yoda run, and I

met this dude from Milwaukee. And I said, what do I got to do to get into that room in Milwaukee? And he goes, I recommend you. And three months later, some guy calls me and says hey they're looking for you to see if you want to work that room so i went up there and the dead of the winter uh february valentine's day weekend like that that weekend oh my god the fuck the by the way was the condo it looked like the monsters i mean the fuck it even had the gate and shit the whole fucking deal everything oh my god i've talked about this it was just horrific

but anyway uh when i was up there that time i met That's the lady who actually books that. And she used to book that room at the time in Appleton. She's still around. Her daughter's now a booker in that area. Very small venues, you know, colleges, shit like that. So when she offered me the week, she said, if you come in Tuesday, I got a show I do at Marquette. You could do the show, $125.

One of those deals, you know. So I went and did the show. And in those days, all I did was snort blow and hang out at the store. That's it. So my whole comedy routine was about fienden and looking out windows and, you know, and nobody was laughing. But I meant, no, I don't remember. I don't remember.

I don't even listen sometimes. I can't even hear whether people laughing. I knew it wasn't my audience. But now, this weekend in Minneapolis, some kid pulls me aside for a Friday night early show. and says that he was there that night and he came to the comedy club that week in the song

seeing me and he remembered the girl with the red hair and it was just really nice that he was like I made a mental note I always knew you would do something it was very nice

that is nice you don't bump into people like that no I made a mental note of you a while ago I mean you you know I've known you but I've always sort of

kept to myself we've done several shows together but there was one we did to Hollywood improv years ago and a girl went up and she was pretty dirty and you followed her and you got up and you said that's the type of chick at all let your fuck her in the ass

pull it out and suck it and then the crowd went nuts and you laughed and but that was your way of saying like I loved her you know that's what you said that day like I loved her I loved her dude I laughed so fucking hard at that for like five goddamn it's because it's probably 100% true so funny

that was your just walk up and say it off the top of your head and it was so well sometimes you gotta break a room up it was perfect listen every unless you're fucked up you always you if you're you come if you have that little sarcasm gene there's things people say that no matter what age they say it something comes to your mind and you want to crack a joke whether it's to yourself whether it's to the room whatever the fuck it is, you know. Today the baby was looking at me, she kept looking at me going, blow, daddy, blow. And I'm like, in 20 years you won't be saying.

Like you think of things like that. You know, a hot girl goes up on a stage, her tits are out. She's talking about getting fucked in the ass. You're sitting there. You're a man. Even if you're on a date, what are you thinking about? Fucking her in the ass and sticking your dick in the mouth. All I'm doing is going on stage and saying what you're thinking.

The reason why I got to laugh was because as I walked out, this was everybody was fucking thinking. Everybody was fucking thinking, oh my God. Who knows? I hate when comics go up with the set routine. Sometimes you have to react to the fucking room. Yeah, I agree. You have to react to the room as a comedy.

There's comedy. There's natural comedy in the room. Nothing bothers me more when I see something coming. There's always, even just regular conversation sometimes. there's a great comedic banter in a conversation and energy that somebody else might not be laughing but you might even feel that? Oh yeah.

All the time. A little comedy, light banter that you're like, oh my God, that's so that thing in a movie was such a brilliant conversation they had. You know, it was so, as people say. That's the stuff that makes me laugh most that you say now. Because I'll come and see shows a lot, so I'll get to know some bits. But the stuff that makes me laugh is the stuff that you just say that you'll never,

ever say again. Yeah, that's the, those are my favorite people in the world. Like my grandmother and her sisters were the same way. I couldn't wait to hear what, like, you know, we've all been through situations, but I couldn't wait to hear their response to that situation. You know what I mean, much like what he's saying with you, like you want to hear what you're going to say next. People really enjoy, you know, the whatever it is behind it. The sarcasm, the smart assness, the, the, the funny, the clever, you know, because the other thing, too, is as comedians, we say what people are thinking, but I think it's our job to say that same thing in a way they've never thought of saying that. Does that make sense?

Yes, it's not. That makes a lot of. So it's 100% relatable, but maybe you picked the right word here or, you know, chose it to say it this way instead. And so it still hits home, but it's like, wow. Because, you know, I think it's our job to write beyond that. I think if someone pays you to see that, if I'm going to relate to you, I should be able to say it to you in a way. Maybe you hadn't thought about saying it, but you get my point exactly. That makes sense.

Absolutely. You're freaking me out of it. You look good, too, Joey Dia. So do you. Everybody's looking good. Lisa. I got some sun to them and shit this weekend up there in the Southern Resort, whatever the fuck you were. I had a good time in Minneapolis.

That's a great little fucking room. I hear it, yeah. The super nice people. Some guy gave me maple syrup and rice. And then he wrote me a nope, he didn't write me his fucking name. I can't even give him a fucking shout out. He gave you syrup and rice?

Was it cooked rice or was it just a bag of each? I got a bag to cook it. Then some other guy gave me two hits of acid. People asked me if I want to do meth. That's a crazy fucking damn. You guys going to send me to the reach. I lost the acid. I can't find it. It was in my wallet somewhere. I don't know what I did with it. Oh, my God.

I'll bump into that. when you're in an airport stuck, you stick your head in one of your compartments, and there it is. A hit of acid, you got a nine-hour stop, and you got some E-says, you got a vapor pen. Fuck it, you go for broke, Jack. I told you. Look, here it is. I smoke weed, obviously, but drugs have always, they've always scared me from me. But in the right situation.

What's the worst drug you've ever done? I mean, outside of weed, the only two drugs I've ever done are shrooms one time, and I did ecstasy like twice. What did you think of the first time it didn't work? The second time a girlfriend I was dating from Argentina gave me that. We went and rented a cab, but up in Big Bear. That was one of the greatest nights

in my life. I mean, it was... How long were you high for? Oh, hours. Sick, five hours, maybe. And I mean, I understood finally, because everyone kept describing to me what it did and how it felt. And finally, when I felt that permanent smile get plastered on my face,

I was like, oh, this is what it is. was just that was a lot of fun but shrooms to me i enjoyed that shit for like 45 minutes and then i was just like all right i want this enough get it out of me get it out of me you know i always if i ever i don't know most of the time i don't get high i just you know smoke and i relax and then you just dissipate and float out of it but with shrooms that shit just hung around and i wanted it to be over i was like enough of this last sunday we did it had to ask still on the show and it was pretty intense

it got pretty intensive moments it was and it was fun and I had to leave because if not we were to stay here until 6 in the morning like that's how you feed an acid trip is with people talking in conversation and smoking weed

I don't know if I could have gone out publicly like I used it. You could go out publicly on acid? When I was 16 where did you go? I didn't have a house I lived with some people, but I couldn't stay in and watch TV with them and do a head of acid. So you met four of your friends, and you took a head of acid at 7.30.

That meant by 11. You're burning. You are burning. How old are you? 16, 17, and you're behind the high school. See, I would have come with you, but I would have been scared to death to do the acid. Looking at the clouds. We'd get, in those days, you bought 25 hours, got you like 30.

joints. So you rolled them up. You rolled up 30 joints before you went out so everybody knew where they stood. Like, we're not going home. Do we smoke 30 fucking joints? Like, that's crazy. And sometimes we'd smoke 25 and we'd take a joint for the morning.

You know, like that. We were tight. But that was it. But we went out to 4 or 5 in the morning when you tripped your fucking balls. I don't think I'd like that. Walking around. Or we'd do what we did the other night and go to a midnight movie.

That's a blast. You don't freak out sitting in a movie theater? No, in fact, you... Can you even concentrate on the movie? Yes, the movie sucks you in. Okay. The colors are brighter. At least that's right. Yeah, at one point, the movie would just suck yet.

At first, you'll be, like, I wouldn't take lead to see, like, the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Oh, that was terrible. Because I'd kick them, I couldn't, I'd stab him while we were sitting there and go crazy. Get me the fuck out of here. I feel like you'd kill people at the Rocky Horror picture show. Like, I went once, and they got so excited.

They were, like, jumping up. their seats. A girl broke up with me over not going to the Rocky Island. You got a personal vendetta for that way. We weren't even boyfriend, girlfriend. I was 19. She was 27.

She was my neighbor. She was an Italian girl from Milwaukee. She had a sister Tia, Mia, something. And she used to cut my hair, man. I was a 19-year-old kid. I just moved from Jersey to Basalt, Colorado. Holland Hills. I'm living in Holland Hills in the house with four fucking bedrooms and three guys that are fucking each bench pressing 480.

You know, one of them went back to live. His mom had a heart attack, so he left. And the one guy that was a garbage man, he was a garbage man and asked him and he'd come home every night with skis and shit like that. It was a pretty bizarre time. I was a young kid. I was fresh out of New York. everything I looked at had a price tag you know I was a shark man I was a fucking shark but these girls live next door to me and they were very nice they'd come over and they'd make dip and they were like Green Bay Packer fans and we'd watch football and blah blah blah blah

and the girl said you know I cut hair the older ones like I cut hair selling over there one day and she's cut my hair blah blah okay and then you know we were just friends and then sometimes I would go to her with she worked at a wine shop called the grog shop. I still remember.

And I would meet her and she would give me a ride and what's called Down Valley. Like if you work and ask me, you have to go down valley, you have to go past snowmass, past old snowmass, into basalt and Woody Creek and all that shit. So, you know, we would just flirt.

We would just flirt. And one night I asked her, blatantly, I said, she goes, oh, she was cut my hair and I put my hand under her skirt. And she goes, what's your problem? And I go, I like you. I got a crush on you.

She goes, just say so. Just don't put your hand under my skirt. That's not gentleman. She goes, what do you want to do? You want to take me on a date? You just want to fuck. Just tell me your intentions. It was that blatant.

Like, it was that blatant. And I go, I really don't know. I just, I don't know. I thought I'd take it to a movie or something. And she goes, I'll date you, but you got to move out of next door. She goes, I can't date a neighbor. It will never happen. And I was moving anyway.

were moving at the end of the month. So I waited till July 1st. And I hitchhiked down there. This is the savage I am. I fucking hitchhite down there at 10 o'clock at night. And I just knocked on a screen door. And she's like, what are you doing? I go, I moved out.

I'm ready for our date. What do you want to do? She goes, come on in. And I think we did a little blow. Her sister was there. The sister was really nice. We talked for a little while. And then she took me upstairs.

I think we stayed up all night and did dirty stuff. And she drove me home the next day. And it was like she was older. But I remember the first time my roommate and snowmast caught me with it. Because she would go to work 5 to 12 or 5 to 10. So she would come up in the afternoons. And my buddy would be, you know, working. But he knew her from the building.

We all lived together next to her. I just never told him that I was with it. Nobody's business. She came up. one afternoon with Brie cheese. That's the first time I ever ate Breed cheese and an apple dog. I'm American cheese type of guy.

At that time, I had only tasted American and Swiss cheese. And that was all. And she showed up. She showed up with Brie fucking cheese on an apple. And she smeared it on the apple. And I'm like, are you fucking crazy? I'm from Jersey.

And she's like, eat that. And I'm like, no. We got into like an argument. I wouldn't eat fucking breechie. Are you fucking crazy? It looks like, pimple juice. Get that shit away from me. It smells funny. You want to bring

me fucking cheese. You bring me American cheese. American cheese. That's probably a story she tells us now. Oh, my God. I dated this guy who wouldn't eat breed cheese. I was fresh out of fucking Jersey. Do you understand me? Well, you wouldn't need her breed cheese and you wouldn't

go to Rocky. I didn't know. I wouldn't need her fucking nothing. And then she still dated me. We would hook up once a week and just eat something and have sex and stay up all night. Sometimes we did blow. Sometimes we didn't. It wasn't about that.

It was just, she was like older than me and stuff. I don't know what it was. And then one, I didn't see her for a couple days. And she called. At that time, I didn't even have a fucking phone. We didn't even have a phone. She would have to call somebody and they would give me a message. And I called her back at the liquor store.

And she goes, yeah, I want you to meet my friends at the Rocky Horror. And it was like Halloween time of the year. She goes, I want you to dress up. Again, I'm from Jersey. like, Papa don't dress up because of movies. I show up with shorts and a football jersey. I was crazy then, you know. I didn't have a duffel bag.

You know what I didn't have a toilet paper to throw? I didn't have a duffel bag. I had a pillow bag that I used in those days. There was no backpacks. There was no backpacks in 1980. You had a pillowcase? I had a pillowcase. I put my t-shirts and my books and I'd go to town.

Pillow case. Like, I ran away from home. I was a fucking, I was primitive. In 1984, 83. I was primitive. If you did anything with me, you basically took your life into your own hands in those days. Can you explain who's picking up a 19-year-old Joey Diaz with all of his clothes in a fucking pillowcase? 27-year-old hairdress.

In Aspen, Colorado, they used to have a place called the hitching post. And if you lived down valley in the early 80s, you had signals. So people look at you and go like this. This meant a short way. if you went like that they would pull over and pick you up it was called the hitching post and people that didn't want to drive down

valley by themselves will pick you up and it was never no beefs it was nice people I never got picked up by no one fact Don Henley picked me up from the Eagles one time and on the 4th of July 1983 John Denver picked me up going up the hill of Snowmass Village yes he did

in a fucking Jeep with an eagle on it yes he did to do his benefit I swear to my fucking daughter's eyes, dog. I got a special little love for John. That's how cool that time was in my life. Hold on. Tell me about Don Henley. Like, he pulls over.

Don Henley pulls over in a truck, okay? Now, from the minute I hit Snowmass Village, I'm hearing all these rumors. I'm hearing that Jack Nicholson lives in Maroon Bells, which he did. I'm hearing that Clint Eastwood hangs out at the Holiday Inn at the airport. In those days, it was a little holiday inn at the airport, and I heard Clint Lisa was there four nights a fucking week. At that time, Hunter S. Thompson hung out at the Woody Creek Tavern, six nights a week.

And there were rumors that people would go visit him. I didn't know anything about anything. There were rumors that the Eagles, half of them lived in Aspen. There was rumors that another band that was cousins to the Eagles, the nitty-ditty-girt band. Oh, yeah, nitty-dirty-dirt band. They were cousins to the Eagles. In fact, towards the end of my electrician career,

I hung fixtures at the guy's house from the nitty-ditty-girp band. Okay? So, yeah, there was all these rumblings of these people that were in town. There was also rumblings of people who came to visit, you know, Charles Blonson, shit like that. So here I am a young fucking kid.

I didn't know I wanted to get into the entertainment business, but was a huge fan of movies, and I'm bumping into people. So I'm hitchhiking. I'm minding my own fucking business. No, it's two in the afternoon, July afternoon. I'm hitchhiking. I'm living in Colorado, maybe three months, four months at the time.

I'm living in Snowmass Village. I get in a fucking truck. How you doing? What's happened? What's your name? I don't even know if we described. us names. I just know that after about five minutes, I kept

looking at this motherfucker, and he looked familiar to me. But he had sunglasses on and a baseball hat. So I don't say nothing, you know? And we're talking, and I'm like, you're in construction, yeah, blah, blah, blah, I mean, because he had a big, thick checkbook. Remember in the old days of you?

Yeah, yeah. You had a business, you had a big checkbook. It looked like a fucking notebook. Yeah. And he had a bunch of postcards on there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is a 25 minute ride in those days. A beautiful scenic ride. You had to pass this fucking diner.

If you went down this big popular street in Aspen, you had to pass this little diner, the something house, the Hickory house. Oh, my godly. Their specialty was the pound cake, the crumb cake. How would they do it? With a stick of butter melting on top of it.

Like not a fucking piece of margarine, not low fat butter, gluten-free. A fucking stick. like a quarter stick melting on top of this bun you would slice it the butter would go into the middle I can't describe it to you

I would stop in there just for the fucking pound of whatever the fuck it was you boom and then we we stuck on and wait Don Henley took you in no I had gone there before you have to pass this

I'm just it's coming back to me as I'm telling you the story and I make that right and then you hit back and you make a left and you're back on that it's like a little thing a turn and by this

Then I kept thinking to myself, I've seen this guy before. I've seen this motherfucker before. I just don't know where. I just can't put my fucking finger on it. And I don't know if you guys remember, you're too young and you're way too young. And 83 was his big year, you know. Boys of Summer. Yeah, Boys of Summer.

Hit him with a end of the innocence. Hit him with your down. Hit him when you. No, End of the Innocence. No, no. This is way before that. This was like his first solo thing. But one of the songs, videos he did, he did in the classroom.

Okay? 1983, Don Henley, he did in a classroom where he was a teacher. And that, I'm going to go, this is the fucking guy. Now, do you want me to lie to you and tell you I knew Don Henley was from the Eagles at that? I couldn't put it all together. I'm just trying to figure out where the fuck I know this guy from. And the next thing you know, I go, I know you, I know you, I know you. And he finally just breaks down.

And he goes, yeah, okay, I'm Don Henley. I'm the singer from the Eagles. I go, you live in town. And I don't know what he said. I mean, it was like a five-minute conversation. And he hoped, I go, can you do me a big favor? I have a friend that's a huge fan of the Eagles. He went to see you on the whatever tour.

Can you sign something for me? There was no pictures in those days. and he took a postcard that had his address, he ripped the address, and he left D-O-O-N, and he wrote over it from my friend, and I mailed it to him. That's nice. It was Don fucking Henley. Don Henley.

But this was after John, whatever, John Denver. John Denver picked me up. I moved to Snowmass Village July 1st, 1983, and the third. I moved in on a fucking Wednesday. How is the weather? The weather, it was July. It was still cool at night. It was beautiful.

It was Snowmass Village. Snowmass Village is 2.something miles up a mountain. So once you're up that mountain, you're up that mountain. Okay, so what people usually do is they drop you off at the bottom of snow mass and they go down straight, down valley to besought and Glenwood Springs and that type of stuff. You have to cross 82, which is one of the worst roads in the country, especially after October. You don't want to fuck around 82. More fucking debts on 82 than anywhere in the country.

country. You cross the street and then people that are making it left up the hill the snow mask pick you up. I'm standing out there one in the afternoon like a fucking Momo. I had just moved to snow mass. I went out the night before and got fucked up with Jimmy Berkel. God bless

his soul. We got fucked up. And I remember I lived at either D-12 or C-12 and I knocked on a building C-12 and some guy asked though, can I help you? I'm like, oh my God, I'm sorry, got the wrong door. I just moved here. He was from

fucking New York City. And we became friends. His name was Bergey. From that encounter, me knocking on the door at one in the morning, coked up out of my fucking mind. He came out. You're all right, dog? Let me get your beer. He got me a beer. And he walked me, and he walked me to my door. And I go, I'll catch you tomorrow. And I look, I never forgot his name, Bergey. Bergie from New York City. From, like, fucking 154th Street. My family's Irish. I hate fucking

Rikins. That's why I moved down here. I hope you're not a fucking Puerto Rican. I see you always tell me. I'm happy and not a Puerto Rican. I'm happy or not. So that's when John Denver picked me up in the afternoon. Like, I got that fucking Jeep and I couldn't believe it was John fucking Denver.

I'm like, oh my God. But there was no cameras. I didn't hug them, nothing. I didn't think I got in all the picture to tweet and all that bullshit. I know, man. I ran into, I ran into Mick Fleetwood from Fleetwood Mac at a bagel joint in the valley in Sherman Oaks and he was sitting in there with I can only assume it was a

manager or some business representative in some aspect but I just walked over to him to go McFleetwood he's like yeah I go I just wanted to shake his hand I couldn't believe I saw Mick Fleetwood just sitting and chilling in this little tiny corner bagel shop stumped into Giza but at the Chinese restaurant oh yeah he said he knew it was Gizzy he wanted to say something to him but he didn't want to bother him I took up right before I moved here I took my younger brother to see BB King. Our dad introduced us to BB King, and we just became huge BB King fans. And he's at Blues Festival at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland.

So we're driving down the two of us borrow. We borrow a friend's Mitsubishi Eclipse, and we drive down. What year? This is probably 93. My dad had that eclipse. I think. so I take my brother this is like right before I move here

it's going to be a moment you know together my younger brother so we're in the parking lot of the Naval Academy and we are just Cheech and Chong in this fucking car we are blazing the shit out of this thing and it's not our car so we also think it's funny that we're smoking the shit out of this car that's a friend of our

we get out and I mean it's definitely smoky around there and we're in such good spirits who walk in there's a BB poster like this one right here and it's like seven bucks i just i remember thinking god that's that's awfully cheap for a concert poster and it was him as a young kid so i buy it and i look at my brother and i'm like i'm going to get this sign by b b b b king before we leave this show tonight we get in it's eda james and it's jay giles and it's jimmy vaughn and i see where they're coming in and leaving so my brother and i go over there and right as b b b b king is done he's walking by and he shakes my hand

And then I'm trying to give him the poster. He keeps going. So I give it to the trumpet player. I'm like, hey, can you, do you mind getting BB to sign this for me? And he didn't hear me say BB. So he starts signing. I'm like, this motherfucker's ruining my poster. But they didn't have a hard to tell him.

You know, like, hey, asshole, not true, man. I want BB kick to sign this motherfucker. That's terrible. So we go outside. My brother's laughing at me as shit. Did you replace the poster? Well, I see one of the band members talking to this chick. He's macking on this girl.

and I walk up to him. Hey, man, look, I just want to get this fucking thing signed. He's like, just go inside this door right here. There's people waiting to meet Beebe. And just get in line. And I was like, they'll, though, they'll rest me. He's like, no, they won't. They will not.

They'll just ask you to leave. That's the most that it'll happen to you. I said, all right, fuck it. And I just interned at college for radio station. So I knew how to get in there and act like I belong there. And that's exactly what the fuck I did. My brother was scared. He's like, I'm not coming.

I said, well, stay here. So I get in line. I start chatting all these people up like I've been with them. all night, you know what I mean? And I'm standing next to Jimmy Vaughn's dressing room door. And BB King had said on stage, it was his birthday the next day. Well, now it's after midnight. So when we get in, my plan is I'm going to say happy birthday.

I'm going to try to be the first one to wish him, whatever it was, happy 83rd birthday. Lady opens the door, and he's sitting in there, and I was just like, I was blown away, because I'm a huge Hendricks freak. I love Stevie Ray Vaughn. This guy's played with everybody from you two to everybody. So I see him and I'm like, Happy Birthday BB! He's like, oh, the first one.

I was like, boo! I was all so excited. So he's the nicest dude. He sits and he won't say no to an autograph. Well, there's these two white dudes in there that bring in like, I'm not kidding, a hundred albums. And he's signing. And he's saying things like, man, you got a lot of stuff here, you know.

And at some point, I just felt like he was waiting for someone to speak up. And I just said, man, you got a lot going on up there. And he's like, all right, that's enough. People are complaining. And I was like, oh, boom. So he thanked me. He signs my poster, and he's got little index card pictures of himself up there. And I had him just sign one for my younger brother.

So I'm back there for, I met two of his daughters. I'm hanging out with him talking to him about Hendricks. I'm talking to him about Stevie Ray Vaughn. And then I leave. I'm back there for like an hour. My brother's like, where the fuck were you? He's like, I thought you were arrested. I was like, no, man.

I said, look at this. And I opened it up. He's like, you got to be fucking kidding me. I was like, I told you I was getting BB King and sign this. So we start driving home in the eclipse and we're talking about it and shit. And I'm telling him that story. and then I busted out the little picture I said I got there for you right there

he was so jazz he still got it framed up in his house and right now in Maryland he must be pissed he didn't hang out with BB King I told him I was like all you had to do is follow me dude but I met him yeah that was a good one I was always scared as a kid to go backstage at all concerts I always felt intimidated I was in my 20s I was yeah I was what I thought was gonna have

I never even the thought never even crossed my mind all those concerts I went to before I met you, I was, if you were on the local news, I was Starstruck by you, like, if you, like, if you on, I worked at the Framingham AMC, and I think a dude from ESPN came in and I almost shit my pants. Like that, like that stuff used to really, I used to get really nervous. No, I don't think, I haven't got jazzed up. I got jazzed up when I saw basketball players. Yeah. When I was a kid, when I saw Bernard King, I almost had a fucking heart attack. I was that way with Eddie Murray from the Orioles, man.

That was, even before Ripkin, Eddie was there. And we would go to games with my dad. And Eddie was just, he was the shit. He was my first, like, Oriole love. And my whole life, I've loved Eddie Murray. And just a couple years ago, I'm flying back to Baltimore out of LAX. I'm on Southwest. And I look over, and there's Eddie Murray sitting there.

And I get, like, I don't give a fuck about much. I got excited. I was like, oh, my, like the 10-year-old me was like, Holy shit that's fucking Eddie Murray. So I go to walk over and sit next to him and this dad sits down next to him with this kid. And I'm like, God damn. And Eddie's talking to him for a while. And he's on another airline right next to it also going to Baltimore.

Finally that dad leaves. And I sit down next to him and quickly like, I'm like, oh, what the fuck am I? What's my opening line to Eddie Murray? Like I really didn't know what to say. And he just looked at me and I looked at him. I said, what's up 33? And he started laughing. And we talked crabs.

He loves crabs. He was going back. bag for the Orioles. They were doing a statue of him and all this shit at the Camden Yards. And I just got to sit and talk to him about, I was like, you're my favorite Oriole. He's like, not Cal, I go, Cal's right behind you, but, you know, you were there first. That you're my first fucking Oriole. I thanked him for everything he did for the city.

He was a good dude, man. That one got me excited. And then I landed in Baltimore. I go right to this restaurant to eat crabs. And Annie Murray's pulling out of the parking lot. He just got there before me and had him and bounced. So we were on point with that crab. They were making me fucking hungry with that.

You know what happened to me this week I'm talking about Eddie Murray I was in my hotel room I walked around the mall You know sometimes you just put the TV on And you just take your notebook out And you make notes And you scroll a little bit

And you watch college football game For three minutes And it was the beginning of I mean I caught it right from the beginning Of Beverly Hills cop Yeah And it fucking sucked me in and when the kid gets killed

and he's outside arguing with the cop and all that like that movie for me was fucking huge like I was watching that like I dragged my best I go George you have to come see this money he's like well I got a date tonight I go I don't give a fuck we're going right now we walked over the fucking George Washington Bridge and I took him to Harlem Stone to see Beverly Hills cop

The two biggest movies at that time are Belly Hills Cop and Rambo. The Belly Hills Cop was fucking huge. And last week we were talking about movies that stood their time. Belly Hill's Cop, when he goes to a restaurant and he says he wants to talk to the guy, and he goes, I went to the doctor, and he said, I got herpes Symplex 3. I want to talk to the man before things start falling off of him. He fucking, Annie Murphy was a bad motherfucker, but there was a moment there. I had a little nervous breakdown.

Like I was like, this was so long. Like, this movie was the beginning of my freedom. Like, I went to see this movie and I left Jersey a month later. Like, this got me, this movie, for some reason or another, whether I didn't know I was getting into the comedy business. But for some reason, watching that movie gave me a little bit of hope. I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't even know if you understand what the fuck I'm saying.

I understand, yeah. Maybe it was just, I don't know. just gave me... What about it? What about it? What gave you hope? Well, the fucking scene where the friend gets killed, that was me. In those days, I was your best friend.

I disappeared. When I come back to say, hey, man, what's happening? Oh, yeah, let me take you out for dinner. Let me stay with you for two days. Okay, there was always a by the way. There was always a by the way. I had just robbed somebody. I got some of these coke. That Coke gets snort with me and having a good time. At three in the morning, I go, listen. I got to tell you a story.

You know, and now you're in. There you are sitting. I'm in your living room. You just did an ounce of my coat that we just robbed from Pete the killer. And here you are sitting at going. Pete the kill. You're dropping this on me now at 3 in the morning. That's terrible.

So I'm an accessory right now. Somebody can kick my door in it right now and shoot you. That's what you get from being a nice guy. Yeah, oh please. That was me. That was who I was. Can I use the restroom? Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

Do what you got to do. In fact, put on some fucking Tony Bennett. What happened? You drank water and soda. Staying on. Oh yeah, you got to stay dry. Where the fuck the word is, you know? Kick it up, see. A little Tony Bennett's shit. It's Monday morning, you bad motherfuckers.

Grab your balls. It's going to be a good week. Halloween's next week. I want to be around. Pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. somebody twice as smart as I you want to go to salami tomorrow let me know

on the shit. I'll go, I'll go Tuesday. Get your geese. Salami will teach you some good stuff. I got shit to do tomorrow. I'll go Tuesday. What do you got to do tomorrow? You know I got to. Don't fucking... What do you got to do tomorrow? What's are the questions? There's no questions.

You always got to tell me you got shit to do tomorrow. What are you going to do tomorrow? I'm trying to work on this special, man. I'm trying to. It's hard when we do 3 p.m. podcast and get stoned out of our minds, and then we want to do two-hour duties this earlier. Is that what you're trying to fucking Tommy Coxmo? How was your weekend?

You had a good weekend? I had a great weekend. And today you went to sushi with Paula. Yeah, to celebrate. And would you eat the muscles? No, I don't really like that. Does she eat the muscles? No, we've got a couple rolls.

Got a bunch of just, like, tuna sushi. I haven't had a sushi for, but it's like, it was 28, I think, because it's all you can eat. 28 apiece. They give you an hour. They make sure you eat the rice. They don't want no problems. They really watch.

Those Japanese people don't fuck around. The waitress, I was there two weeks ago, three weeks ago. It's pretty good. I went in there one day. It's okay. You can get sick in there. They borderline. They give you the fish that's just about to go bed the next day.

You eat it just. I don't get weird stuff, man. I get like shrimp. I keep it light, too. The salmon, the salmon is what I like. I always go to get. at salmon, right? I judge a place by it salmon. And the salmon

there, they do something to it. It's not bad. I didn't get sick. Is it lost? I don't know what the fuck's going on. Who's out there? These people fucking they got a peeing shit. Come on in here. Cock sucking.

That's a good. A can. It works. The what? That's a great candle. It's funny. I thought about you the other day, Joe, because you used to say you would get get sushi. when you were trying to eat healthy, even when you were like really big, like, 415.

And right before we were going to do the acid, I was like, I should get sushi to be, like, healthy. I'm going to do acid. That was in the back of my mind. If I ate fish, the next day, and drank water, I was healthy. My system was clean of the cocaine. You know what I'm saying? It's fucking over.

I retired. That's what I got out of the acid trip. I'll tell you, the acid trip was fun last week. You were giggled. I don't think I want to do it again. I'm going to tell you what. When I went home that night I'm sitting there on the chair

And I'm eating I get home in there's a Cuban steak sandwich And I inhale that motherfucker cold Not even in the microwave The bread was harder than fuck Just to kill the acid Just to you know Will filling your stomach up that'll

Sometimes Yeah sometimes I had like four or five stars We also had edible So I was starving So yeah we went 500 600 milligrams deep of the edibles The edibles and the fucking hit of acid

You gotta eat something to tame it down. I don't think I could have taken the ass all at one shot. So, uh, I'm sitting there, man. I gotta tell you what dawned on me. If you go to my house and you sit down, there's a, you know, the TV is there and shit, there's a desk and there's stupid shit. But there's a picture that sticks out in that wall. It's a picture of the baby.

It's like a wanted picture. She was pissed. She didn't really want to fucking take the picture. And just something about her face every night when I'm watching TV, it just, catches me. And I shake my head. I can't believe that's my fucking dog. You know what I'm saying? Every fucking night. I try to watch TV

and sometimes I go out on the balcony and I get high and I'm just trying to soothe down. You know, I drink a cup of coffee or something just to calm me down. And every eight minutes I'll look at that fucking picture. And I started looking at that picture. I'm like, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I did acid tonight.

You know, I goof around with Lee. I love Lee to death. You know, I always call I go, Lee, I got heroin tonight, I got opium. I got fucking gorilla biscuits. You know, you know, that one is.

You'll call me fucking, I'm in an Uber, and I got nothing but edibles, you know, but I'm just torching. Well, but then the hash, you said we had opium that night, and I had no idea what, because that hash was different than the regular hash cap.

So I think he actually might have had opium. I got the one I Jew, dog. This motherfucker works with ISIS. What do you think he's smoking? Do you think he's smoking? You think he's smoking? Fucking his shit. That sets the government off.

So anyway, It's really weird. I talk about all this crazy. Like, I'm very thankful we did not do two hits acid off the bat last week. I'm telling you right now, that acid, we would have been fucked up until Tuesday. When Ari laid on the floor, there was just different things. That acid was really good. I want to thank what's his name.

He knows what his name is. You know, I love you. That acid was really fucking strong. For me, it was. It had been years. There was a point here for two hours. I was gone. When you say gone, tell me, where are you?

Gone? Yeah, like giggles had taken over. Okay. I was baseline, I was borderline about, I was seeing little things. I wasn't seeing. Are you present mentally? Can you have a conversation? Oh, yeah.

He's good. But you're just laughing your ass. Yeah, I'm very experiencing that shit because I know you could tame it. You could tame it. Unless they look at you and your eyes are pinned, they won't know. And you have to know how to juggle people. get them out of the way, and then look at that person that you're with that trip. The whole thing about the acid is the four or five people you're with,

and you set them loose in the bar, and that's where the fun time is, and everybody gets their bag on, and then you all connect. They're going to three when the bar closes. Oh, my God, and you go eat. And everybody's sitting there going, oh, yeah, this acid wore off. Yeah, yeah, this acid wore off, because it plays with your emotions. And next, you know, you're laughing at the fucking waitress, unconstrollably. The cheeseburg is funny.

French fries look funny. The cooks wearing a fucking French hat. Like everything that could happen. Everything that could happen is like I can't believe this is fucking happening. I cannot believe this. And that's what Ari should do next time is

get nine guys, give him a hit of ass and set them loose at cameras. And they got to talk about this is not happening. This is not really fucking happening. So I went home and I'll tell you what I thought about and you're going to relate to this. My dad died. One of the things I never really talk about him at all.

He's like a forgotten soldier in my life. I think about him because I do not remember him. I remember stories, and in my mind there's a situation. I remember I was driving with him in the car. How were you when he passed? Three. Oh, yeah. So I don't remember this fucking guy.

And it drove me crazy. My mom said for years every time the door would open, I would look at the door, and she would feel really bad inside and stuff. like he was like he was coming home and I couldn't describe it to you when you're three you can't explain to somebody that somebody's fucking dead she goes I tried to break it into you know he had gone to the stars you know he'd gone to god's house LCL as they call it whatever the fuck it is so it always fucked with me you know and I always thought about one thing like for years I was mad of him because his his death was drug related and I always said to myself what was he thinking

what was he thinking this is what I was thinking this what I was thinking of the this fucking acid trip at one third in the morning. I got TV on, but I'm not really watching the TV. Your daughter's picture took you there first. Took me there first. I'm thinking about, like, how the podcast is doing well now. You know, we're all having a great time. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, we smoke pot. Yeah, we eat edibles. Who gets a fuck, dog? You fucking wake up, you do 10x, 10 jumping jacks. You have an egg, and the edible's gone. You know what I'm saying? Nobody gets hurt. Nobody, you know what I'm saying?

Nobody gets up in the morning and calls you and say, Joey, I need 10 more those edibles right away. Nobody, nobody, nobody. You know, you do blow with somebody till 6 in the morning, they wake up. That Coke is good. They'll call you and go, I'm coming over there right now. You're like, wow, how fucking crazy? This guy woke up, and this is what was on his mind already.

That was bizarre. I never wanted to be that guy. But I'm sitting there going, you know, me and Lee fuck around, and I torture Lee, and it would be fun to do a line of Chinese heroin. It would really be fun to come. on a Sunday night and get a little brown little chunk of heroin

and just do a little taste I'm not doing heroin you know listen Lee shut the fuck up shut the fuck up your family at this point you know I have to do that one but what's going on in our lives right now

this is when you die it's like Len Byes he got drafted oh you're breaking my heart he was a fucking Boston Celtic he sure was and all of a sudden he's fucking dead and you sit there and go

this a shameless debt even that acid deal And I thought that acid was fucking strong, Jack. I get in the fucking car. I make a left turn. I get caught in somebody's headlight. That's what happens with acid. You get caught in somebody's headlight,

and all of a sudden you're hitting a fucking tree. We need that in our lives right now. We're having a great time right now in our lives. I'd love to do MDMA and all that shit and do it on the show again. You know, that was crazy, the acid last week. And that's what came to my mind. Like, if I did an acid, what if I did two of those that? night and my heart fucking

had a heart attack in my sleep like rowdy rowdy piper because I'll fucking go to sleep and you know your heart keeps fucking beaten I've done acid and all these people I could drink 20 red bulls and go to bed and I could feel my heart pounding as I'm falling to sleep I could feel it pounding

I've done it a thousand times on cocaine and shit like that you know I would hate not to wake up and for somebody to say Lee what the fuck were you guys thinking last night how can he's an old man Joe Diaz how can you do acid I need to unleash conscience. You know what?

I'm good. I'm good with the weed and I'm good with the fucking edible. That's me. I'm good. I'm good. This is what's always scare me. You know, I'm from Maryland and I remember I was on my way to the dentist with my father when we were listening to the radio and they announced

Lem Bias was dead from cocaine overdose and we were just like blown away. I'm still blown away by that. I'm still blown away by that. And that was like stuff like that. And also we have a cousin who. who's a paranoid schizophrenic. This guy's, you know, admittedly done every drug that Derek could be done since he's been like 16, dude.

He's, I'll tell you. And that's the other thing that he's crazy. In the shower tonight, I was thinking about when I was a kid. And when you first, like, thought about doing acid, like, you went to some neighborhood guy that was a little fucked up. You're like, so tell me about acid. It was like, oh, the trip, it's psychedelic, the Hindus,

Jimmy Page, this and this. but then he goes, you know, at one point when they, he threw a hit of acid, you don't come back. That's what I need in my life. Like Sid Barrett to take a hit of acid one day. That's exactly my cousin. Yeah, that's what happened to him. You would just stay like high on acid? You just don't come back.

You don't come back. He was a great lacrosse player. He was being looked at by Hopkins. He was an athlete. He was a black belt and karate speed able to put his foot through a watermelon. And he kept taking acid. And he never came back from it. He didn't.

And he's He'll more people He used to put his foot through watermelon Man He was a bad ass He could go fucking deep on some acid You could go really Let me tell you where he is now

Now And so him and then lem bias and shit Like that's always the reason I was always like I feel like I'm a candidate For first time use If it really was their first time use Dead that fucking night

But my cousin now I shouldn't laugh But we used to fuck with him a little bit because we'd go over and see him at Christmas, me, both my brothers, and then my three cousins who were his kids. We'd go to my aunts in Highlandtown in Baltimore City and then

we would take him like a plate of food. And we'd get over there and we would be smoking and drinking and stuff. And then he would call on our ride back and rat us out and say that if kids were over here smoking and, you know, drinking and smoke of weed. We're like, this motherfucker. So we get back and our

grandmother and her sister are yelling at us and all we always would say, you're, you're You don't believe a paranoid schizophrenic over us? Like, we were not fucking doing that shit. So then we go back over, like, look, motherfucker, if you ever want to eat again, you don't rat us out. And I used to go spend time with him. And he would swear that doctors were coming in at night and dropping liquid acid in his ears and then taking skin grafts and stuff from him.

So he would nail his window shut. But still somehow they would get in. And he would have poetry and shit written all over the walls. Because he said when these doctors will come in, and drop liquid acid in his ears it would knock him out. And then they would leave and he'd still be out for a while and the love of his life would show up and because

he couldn't be conscious to tell her what he wanted to tell her. He wrote this stuff up on the walls for her. So that's what I mean by never coming back. You don't come back I can't have you to take out of sure. Sure, why not? You have to take a chance. Columbus said.

That's not coming back, man. Sometimes you don't come back. You do three fucking hits you go home by yourself the lights don't work you're sitting in the dark you see the devil you see the devil that's what we talk about seeing the devil i went to his house one time when he was i don't know what he was on but he had the television on volume down radio on volume up and i sat there for a while and all of a sudden it synced up and i got scared and i was like i felt like crazy was you know contagious it was jumping on me and i got the fuck out of there when it made sense when that radio synced up with that TV,

you know, like the Wizard of Oz, Pink Floyd thing, we just watched that last night with the kids. You ever do that? No, no, no. So the second MGM line, you're supposed to start that. And it fucking sinks up incredibly.

But whether that's a huge coincidence are supposed to is one thing. But when it does, if that's an accident, you're watching that on any kind of fucking drug, to me, I was like, I got the fuck out of here. This guy, I think I'm getting crazy

in this little goddamn apartment. I love shit up. I love the. I remember watching The Exorcist. Yeah. On the 8C. Crystal in the dark with Black Sabbath master reality on. And almost going, I'm going to, I'm going to hell.

This is as dark as it fucking gets. I never really, like I said, I never really had a bad trip. I laughed. That's what I wanted to ask you. What's the worst trip you remember? I'll tell you guys. And, you know, this is us talking and the people listening to the podcast. I ain't right.

I ain't right. I ain't right mentally. That's what makes me fucking nuts. That's what makes me half of the reason why I got this is because I did ask for a year and a half straight after my mouth. What do you mean? Daily? I did it daily. How many hits a day?

You see how I eat edibles? I had my acid tolerance up to like my edible tolerance. Are you serious? I was going to fucking Pennsylvania buying 100 hits for 90 bucks and sell them for three bucks a piece. I got up to the point. doing four or five hundred fucking hits a week plus black beauties four and four not me not me oh oh oh oh so on them so okay i would go every day in the afternoon like i would just eat them at night and then we started eating two at night you know and then you start eating three at night and

one afternoon you're like let's play hook you know let's eat one at lunchtime and then you eat two at lunchtime and you get fucking by four o'clock when you're 16 and i went on that for a while i just After my mom died, I went on that Black Sabbath, you know, that whole thing. And that was what we were doing. We were just doing acid. It was the cross between cocaine. Cocaine was showing up, but we were still holding dearly to acid because it was three fucking bucks. I loved it.

I did it for probably two years straight, man. Damn. At a place when I was really dark, you know, it's when my mom died. So at that point, I really didn't care. I didn't want to feel fucking normal. So I just did acid. And I thought if I would do acid And listen to Black Sabbath at night with the earphones on

I would listen to sides And I would cure whatever was going on with me It was the weirdest thing That was my psychiatry Was doing two hits of acid And listen to fucking Erosmith Fucking rocks And Erosmith kings and queens

That was my fucking therapy So So I'm fucked up partly Because that's why I do stand up There's got to be some connection there If they go into my mom But who wants to do that?

Mind your business. You want to go fucking with electrodes and shit. I do what I do because I do it. Right or wrong. Who gives a fuck 10 hits a ass? I don't know. I never fucking crew somebody off a building. You know, I never did nothing violent and stupid like that.

Or to yourself? No, no, no, no. No, no. That's not my fucking game, man. That's not even in my DNA. I mean, that's a lot of acid to do to never have a bad trip, too. I know people have done it four times in one of the, and usually the last one is the one.

they stopped because it wasn't a good time. Well, can you have a good trip and still have moments that are bad? Because, like, I didn't have a bad trip, but sometimes I got too high. Sometimes it gets away from you. That's what it's called. Is that what it's called? It's called, you know, when you do very strong asses, let me tell you what happens, Lee. When you do a very strong asset, we're having a conversation right now, right?

And all of a sudden, as you're talking to me, your mind goes somewhere else, but you're going to focus on that Clint Eastwood and his mouth's going to start moving he's not going to say nothing you're not going to jump you're not going to run and tell him you're just going to look at it and suck it in that means it's getting away from you then you take some breath you realize where you're at

you pick up that joint you take a hit off that joint you put it back and it calms you down a little bit that's what I was saying to you know it does get away from you there was one night in particular where I had a not a bad trip but it was one of the nights

that I kind of blacked out on acid I was a freshman in high school seen my high school had won the state championship and they played at the middle lands football football wait what's the high school the high school I texted you the picture of

yeah yeah and on the way back I went to where the acid neighborhood was Joe Lucci's neighborhood there 64th Street field. I don't know. What's up Joe Lucci? Joe Lucci had a bar next to

Veneeris Pino Parley. When we were kids, listen, Joe Lucci sold it and moved to Orlando, Florida. That sounds crooked. It just sounds crooked. This is tremendous. Joe Luch was a tremendous. Joe Luch and me, she had the same

birthday. So he used to call me Coco, but, if you wanted to get down, like you know what's that line that he says Eric Clapton if you want to get down get down to the ground cocaine if you wanted to dick around with people like Joe Lucci was Joe Lucci

like when you got acid from you know Brian Sickler okay yeah oh it's red dragon acid but if that same acid was sold by Joe Lucci that was fucking highly recommended like Joe Lucci didn't fuck around if Joe Lucci had a party and you were invited to that party you were a party

you were a professional. You could not go to Joe Lucci's party and get drunk on three beers. You could not go to Joe Lucci's party. If you went to Joe Lucci's party, you went to Joe Luch's party because you knew you were doing blow, you were doing coke,

you were doing whatever was there. These were the nuts. This was 64th Street Field. You know, Timmy Holloways, listen, I'll have him call in next week. This was it. There was Kennedy School. There was McKinley School.

There was Franklin School. There was fucking Robert Fulton. There was Horace Mann. There was the one in Guttemberg. Everybody had their reputton. Every school had different reputations. They're up there. Their drink is up there.

That's a big football school. 64th Street Field had the reputation that when you went down there, you went down and they get down. You didn't get down to the fuck around at all. It was called the rocks. They had the rocks down there. You went down to the fucking rocks. What does that mean? When you went to a concert in New York City, you saw different neighbors getting represented.

Like, if you went to see Black Sabbath, you'd see, like, Kennedy School had three or four people from Kennedy School. McKinley had three people. Franklin had three people. But the Rock said 20 motherfuckers deep. Deep fucking with fucking radios and fucking Black Sabbath T-shirts and running down the street to New York and yelling. They were the fucking crazy kids in North Bergen. So when you went to fucking a Joe Lucci event, like I fucking passed out of the Joe Lucci party. I was God after that.

Like when you pass out of the Joe Lucci party, I was God after that. Like, when you pass out of the Joe Luchy event. Joe Lichie party, you're God after that. I had blow in my pocket. I was eating quailudes. I got there like a three. I could say eating not three. Oh, my God.

I was eating fucking quailutes. I was drinking those nips, those eight ounce bottles of Budwise. You know, I couldn't eat you. The ponies. What happens is when you do blow and you drink, you drink a lot. But once you eat the gorilla biscuit, it slows you down. What's a gorilla biscuit? The quailude.

Oh, okay. So the alcohol catches up with you. So now the alcohol hits you double. So I passed out at Luchies. I turned green. They were going to drag me out. That's speed. That's speedball. I fucked up. I got really fucked up in a Joe Lucci thing.

But anytime you party at a Lucci event, you knew you had it going on. Like that was it. You were professional. They wouldn't have you over there if you were rinky. I don't drink. I'm gluten-free. When you went to Joe Lucci, you were in. Whatever they were serving, there was no holding back. He had broads over there. It was a great place to grow up, and his father had a bar.

So when we were kids, we were hands off the bar Because as we got older, we'd go into the bar And he took over the bar when the bar, when cocaine was huge. So it was electric. And he had a back room. And on Saturday nights, if you knew certain people, at any time of the night, you could go around the back and knock on the door And somebody would answer to their being there fucking getting down.

And the dude who took me in after John Bender was a guy by your name of Mike running. And he used to smoke Marlborough. lights but him and his three brothers the whole family has a thing that when they do a line of coke you've never seen anything like that their jaw goes that's cut with speed shit no no no

this wasn't cocaine was cocaine anything they did their jaw you've never guys you've never ever seen this the whole family the whole family when I was a serious family photo

they didn't want to Now, when I was a kid, there was a guy by the name of Jack Finn, who was an Irish dude from Wee Hawking that worked at Rendell Lumber with me. And that was the first time ever I saw somebody twitch when they do coke. And he would just move his hands. That's how you know he was doing coke. He would do this shit in front of you, Lee. Yeah, so how are you doing?

Everything all right with you? And you're like, what is wrong with his fucking hand? And he would twitch. That's the first guy I ever seen do it. You know who else I saw do a twitch? My mom. When I was a kid, my mom would twitch at the end of the night. The hand would do something funny and shit when she did it.

So I knew that I knew the mannerisms. Do you ever twitch? Oh, yeah, I twitch. My face would go. But I never saw. Then I saw who else. I saw that, the guy twitching. But then Mike Runny came along.

Mike Ronnie's like my brother. We had him call into the podcast. He told the story about throwing a hooker out of the car. So Mike Ronnie's weakness, Mike Ronnie's weakness was that as soon as he'd do a line of Coke, his fucking jaw would go. I mean,

embarrassing go. Like, if it was, and he tried to talk to him. Is he trying to fight and stop that shit, too, like making it worse? And then he looked at, he put a cigarette in his mouth to try to disguise it. And he'd be.

chomping on the singer. And he looked at you every once in a while and go, Coach, is my Joe going? You tell him now, you're fine. Don't worry about it. Meanwhile, teeth and blood are just coming out of his mouth. I remember one night my friend goes, listen, I'm having a party.

But my kids are going to be there in my family. No Coke until they leave. I'll never forget this. This is, this is September of 93. My friend goes, I'm having a party. I want everybody to show up, but listen, no Coke. till 10 o'clock 10.30 to my family leaves.

I go, nope, you know me, though. I don't need to do shit. Open bar, fucking tremendous food. Englewood cliffs looking over the George Washington Bridge. We all get there. Mike Runny gets there. He's watching this fucking TV set. You know, like everybody's in a circle.

But I see Mike all the way on the other side of the room by himself. Watching the TV set. And I walk up to him. He's got a cigarette in his mouth. And he's fucking grinding. And I go, Mike, Veneery said not to do any shit to his family. He looks at me. He goes, I didn't do nothing.

But this particular night at Luchis, I'll never forget this particular night at Luchies. And Timmy was there, I think. Somebody said they went and the power went. And that they didn't know what was going on, but all of a sudden they looked and they saw a cigarette going from side to side in the dark. So they used to call him the conductor because his fucking. I never saw no other than this struggle like that. Fucking hysterical. Oh, shit.

Fucking hysterical. So I don't, you know, like, my point is that all this drug talk is I just don't, I don't want to die from drugs. I never wanted to die from drugs. For years, I didn't, you know, I thought, when you're doing drugs, you think you're invincible. Jesus Christ, I don't, listen, things happen in life. I don't want somebody finding me on the floor because I took three hits of ass and had a heart attack in the middle of the fucking night.

You know, you're sitting there, you get sucked into a dream, your heart's beating. Sometimes you're going to a wild dream. You're getting chased by devils and shit. Your heart beats, Lee. Don't say that I'll have that now. What we're going to do is we're going to get two hits away to a friend. I'm going to keep three just for us one night. Before the years old, we'll come here and we'll split a hit and a half.

Just me and you and wait like ten and fuck your stuff. You just said you're glad we didn't take more than one, and now you're adding half a head. Who gets a fuck? You know, every once in a guy got to contradict yourself. That's what makes you who the fuck you are. But yeah, but Joe's Lucci's neighborhood, that's where you went to get down, though. Those guys got down. I've been thinking a lot about that neighbor the last couple of weeks because a friend of mine died.

I remember taking a hit of acid and going down the shore and a bus with this kid named Randy Mergel, who was white and tougher than fucking nails, tougher than nails. And this kid DiAgostino, who wasn't as tough as nails, but he just was crazy. And he had a boombox. and we were listening to Highway to Hell on the radio on the cassette deck. And the bus driver had to kept pulling over yelling. Pull that fucking thing down. And we're tripping on fucking acid.

And that's the closest I ever came to death. Because we took another hit of acid and we all decided to meet on the water slide in Seaside Heights at midnight. A turned off water slide at an amusement park. No, no, no. It's a water slide. It's open until four in the morning in the summers. Oh, okay. So what the...

So you're not breaking into an amusement. No, no. So what you do is you do whatever you do? Like I'd say, Ryan, what are you going to do tonight? I'm going to meet some chicken, have some cocktails. I go, Ryan, come here. Take this of the ass and meet the girls. Are you going to fuck them?

No, no, no. They're just friends of my sister. All right, perfect. Go hang out with them. But meet us back here at midnight. You know how much fun that is? When you have something to do when you're burning, when you're cooking and you have something to do, then it's great.

Because even if we take the ass at eight, at midnight, we're going to meet 12 fucking guerrillas. and, you know, let our head down, you know what I'm saying? But I'm happy you don't do it. I don't, listen, like I said, I just, I don't want, your heart only has enough beats. Said that. Your heart, when God makes you, he's like,

this guy's going to have 82 million fucking beats, do the math. However you get there is your decision. Whether you want to do blow and get there, or you want to do jumping jacks, you want to eat ass, that's your fucking decision. Whatever the fuck you want to do, Lee, you're going to sit there and just like, a moke tonight, what's going on with you?

What? Everybody's conversing here. Yeah, you're talking. And you're fucking sitting there like a mook on the fucking stream. What's going on? I never did Coke. I don't know. I have no idea we were talking about. All right. Let me give some shoutouts. Jonathan Hernandez, Jesse Wright, Alex Bissan, J.T. You know, I love your cocksucker.

Scott Goldstein, Colton Damot, K. Ron Conlon, and the other voices. There you have it. Motherfuckers. a little shout out there for you it's not about the coke I'm just saying anything in general man you know you do a little fucking ecstasy you don't know what's going to happen

now exorc is the one that's mixed of heroin and MDMA is the one that's just straight I believe so yes I don't think exos it has heroin in it yeah I mean it's mixed it's cut with a lot of different shit I'm sure opiates for sure in there heroin opium not like any of it

I had I remember I was going to get a prescription for a refill of Percocet. I have a tear in one of my discs in my back and doctor's like you need to take it and it makes me itch like a crackhead. You know, I start sweating, I throw up from it. Like I really, I need to snap them in half and that usually is enough to kill the pain and not make me sick. So I'm in there for a refill and I smoked up and I went in the right end. I'm standing in line and I'm not thinking about it, but I'm standing there and all these people are lying. I got my hand up my shirt and I'm just crazy.

digging my chest. And I don't realize everyone. I'm in a drugstore fucking prescription line and I'm just going nuts on it. And they're all turn around looking at me and it didn't dawn on me what I was doing until about the third person was looking back like this guy

have a fucking problem that we're in line with right now. Have you ever encountered that? I was at a right aide in Van Nuys and this dude was trying to get them to give him needles and they wouldn't do it. And he kept saying, he kept like yelling at them and how the government took everything away from him

and they just give them the needles he called the doctor and they just wouldn't give it to him. Why would they, they're supposed to give you needles for free, syringes for free? Well, maybe it was on prescription. I'm sorry, not needles. Yeah, he's crying for a fucking prescription because the doctor, the pain.

Yeah, listen, man, that shit's, you get addicted on those things, you're fucking done. You know, and everybody knows that shit. We've been hearing it for years. Like anything else. It's like fucking anything else, man. Josh Adam Myers told me one time he went into a right A with a fake script

to get some percocet or whatever when he came back the fucking pharmacist called him up to the front and as brought him up and he said because you know Josh wrote a fake name on it and the pharmacist called him out front of everybody said this man

right here used a fake prescription to get pills if I ever see you in here again Mr. Oral Hersheiser I will have you arrested That dumb motherfucker used O'R. Scheiser in Los Angeles

as his name. He thought he'd get away with that shit. It's ridiculous. That's the addiction. That's what I'll get right to say. That's the addiction. Josh Adam Meyer is a lot smarter than that. It's a fucking addiction that takes you over the fucking top.

I was a fake prescription guy. I used to get scripts from everything when I was younger. So all I had to do was ask the guy and bring him a gram of Coke. And then you would get whatever you do. I want. Pills don't have the same effect on you. What's that? Pills don't have the same effect on your scope.

And I don't know. I like a valiant from time. I just don't like waking up groggy. There's nothing that bothers me more than waking up groggy. I could eat fucking 300 milligrams of THC and wake up feeling like I fucking got a massage tonight before. That's great. Never mind you eat hash.

You eat a piece of hash before you go to bed. You see what you feel like in the morning. You feel like you've been stepped on all night. You feel like you're fucking Gumby in the morning. Yeah, I don't like that. It's too heavy. But if you eat it, it does something to your body, man. Yeah.

It's fucking amazing. I'll tell you what kills me, those town RPMs. Oh, God. You wake up feeling like dick in the morning. You wake up feeling like something synthetic, which is a horrible feeling. And unless you've been a junkie, you know that I've never been a junkie, but I've been a junkie. I know what it's like when something doesn't feel. right something like cody i was never a cody guy any of that shit makes my stomach hurt yeah

makes my stomach hurt i hate it right up i get dizzy i give them to people i got a little bit addicted to the tyler n l p ms my first semester of college and what did you feel like in the morning i slept but i slept till two i felt okay if i still got that much sleep if i could sleep till two if i like a late class right you got to sleep 12 hours but then the thing is i couldn't sleep without it and i i couldn't not sleep in school so i i like waited until i had a long weekend or something to get off of them and get back on the sleep schedule. Like, if I didn't take them for a while, I would just wouldn't sleep.

So I can't, like, that's why I love doing these animals. No, I can't see feeling that shitty in the morning. My friend gave me 0.5 volumes, and he's right. When he gets home, there's nights I'm going to do comedy. I'm going to leave, like last night. I had to leave in the middle of none. I slept four fucking hours last night when I was leaving Minneapolis.

So yesterday in the afternoon, after breakfast, about 11, I pop a point five. I watched Saturday, whatever the fuck I was telling you guys, and at the point that they went to the guy's house to get the girl back, I shut it off,

on the Beverly Hills cop, I shut it off, I took a two and a half hour a little fucking siesta. I woke up, I put a little coffee together in my room, I drank a cup of coffee,

I wrote a little bit, and then I went to lift it fucking waits for an hour. That two hours of that little nap, that thing saves me a fucking ton of, and I went to my room last night when I got off stage, not even when I fucking,

I ate my little point five valium before I even got paid last night. I put my check in my pocket, I took pictures of people, I went to my room last night, I drank some water, I was already packed, I shut the lights off at 1230.

Next thing I know, my phone was ringing. It was 5 in the fucking morning. That's how I roll, man. I love those little fucking things, but I won't get hooked on them. I slept this afternoon without them, you know, I'll space them out.

I'll eat them on the road. But when I'm home, I don't need shit because I'm working out a little bit more. I'm walking a little bit more. So I'm more fucking tired. I'm talking for this fucking gun-knuck on the phone. What's the matter with you, Lee? Nothing. You're all fucked up today.

What's the matter? We didn't give you nothing. At least telling the truth. I'm good, man. This is sending me hard. It's hitting your heart. What do you got going on, Tarzan? So are you doing the podcast again?

Is your partner back? Yeah. He just had a baby girl, his second baby, and we're back to record. recording now you have the crab feast you can check us out on all things comedy and iTunes and the crabfeast dot com and you go on the road a lot of no not a lot no but I'm I'll be in St. Louis actually uh go to ryan sickler dot com my dates on there I think it's Friday the 6th something like that I'm at the I'm in a place called um Jesus Christ it's uh Blueberry Hill blueberry Hill blueberry Hill Friday uh me as my I'm headlining that show

And there's a couple local guys that are going to be up on the bill, too. And what's Blueberry Hill, a bar? Yeah, it's a bar down in, like, the square, I think, down in St. Louis. You've been to St. Louis? I've been there before. I'm there in February at Helium. They're opening up. They're opening up.

Oh, yeah. I think it's open already. You might as well go to fucking helium, telling you fucking. I'm in town to do a benefit show Saturday. And I always like to get in town early and do my own show before I go do that because I can't, you know, I got to do 20 minutes of clean material. do what I want to do Friday night. How many kids you got?

Two. How old? My stepson is 12 and my daughter just turned one few days ago. And how's the stepson working with you? You're tight. Yeah, we're tight. He loves his little sister. She loves him.

Yeah, we're good. You know, he's a typical, I don't have any trouble with him outside of him being a typical 12-year-old boy who's, you know, seventh grade starting to come into his own and think he's the shit. Does he have a relationship with his dad? He has a relationship with his dad, but his dad. dad doesn't see him much maybe once or twice a month and it's a Saturday and bring him back Sunday or usually takes him out to his parents his grandparents who I actually have a relationship

with I'll go drop him off up there but I'm every day in the house you know I'm the dad there you know it's like a couple months ago I was really adamant about connecting with my daughter we talked about this I remember and uh the more I think about it it's like I'm done I'm out I really I just heard different things from different people. And I'd never wanted to be that guy. Like, I didn't want to show up and ask me and knock on her door and tell her whatever the fuck I got to tell her. And then a year from now, she catches me one day when I'm in a half a mood.

And I tell her exactly what I feel. And I don't know. I just, these are the reasons why. It's a fucking horror story. getting divorced in this country. It's a fucking... It is. I know so many people going through it.

You know, especially here in California, it's a no-fault state. And if you're married for 10 years, then you owe alimony for life. 10 years for life. So you can move in, like, let's say you're a woman, you're the breadwinner, and your husband cheats on you and you get a divorce. You owe him alimony. And he can have another woman move in your house. And as long as he doesn't marry her.

You still got to pay his ass, alimony. It's so fucking crooked. It's so wrong. But it is a harsh. That's a third of it. You're right about that. What happens with the kids and the parents' detachment is something that had me fucked up for years. I can't lie to anybody.

Really, really had me snorting. Whatever excuse I wanted to make, I'm not that type of guy that I'd be crying, but just the pain of it. Just, you know, I had a child snatch from me. Snatched. However it was done, it was done legally, illegally. I fed into it, and then I bought into it, you know. And I bought into the notion that I was just interfering. I know what it's like to have an interference.

They were trying to put a family together, you know. I was somebody who at 5 o'clock, they had to stop what they were doing to come meet me, to come pick up their child, and then know what the fuck they were going to expect. And then every other Sunday. And then there was my situation. So what do I do here? I'm this fucking crazy coke guy that's trying to become a comedian. And on Wednesdays from two to five, I stopped my life from two to seven.

And I have this five-year-old girl, which I know nothing about raising a five-year-old girl, except you give him love and you spoil them and you tell him you love them or whatever. And I was doing that wrong according to that. You know what I'm saying? So I felt like I was just interfering. I wanted to be a part of her life, not some guy that's, you know, showed up two days a fucking week and had no say it all in her life that's just an interference that's a fucking uncle that's a fucking uncle you know what i'm saying i didn't want to go down as that

fucking uncle and now i i think about and i go what do i gain what do i gain now what do i gain what do i from contacting her what do i gain what the fuck do i gain i gain nothing i gain what do you looking for? I'm not looking for anything. I don't know what I'm looking for anyway. I mean, if she contacted me, do I love her to death? Yeah, do I want the best for a yes. But what can I do at this point?

I know, guys. How old is she? She's 25, 26, and listen, I'm not retarded. I'm not a genius, but I know at some point I got to tell my story. I don't want to tell my story. I don't want to tell my story. I don't think it's necessary

for her to know it. I don't want it to go out that way. When I write the book, I'm going to put a chapter in there about what happened, my opinion of what happened. You know, that's my side of what happened and what I felt at the time what was happening. You know, I didn't give up at comedy. I don't give up easily. I don't give up easily. But I knew in that relationship and that part of my life, I was going nowhere. I was going to have a child 10 hours every other week, guys. 10 hours

every other week. That's not. nothing. That's a, what were those people that visit you when you don't have a dad? A big brother. That's what the fuck I was. A fucking big brother. That's what I wanted to be a big fucking brother with no say. And people telling me I was always wrong and I was, you know. But couldn't

it also be great? Like, there has to be a possibility. There was no possibility at that time. No, no, not then, but I'm saying now. Like, if you continue with it. I think when you're ready to hear her story, you'll be ready to tell your story.

That's that if and when that happens, that's when it'll be. I got a bad story. Yeah. I got a bad story. Right. I'm not talking about her past, excuse me, her past story. I'm talking about her current and future story. Like if you're ready to hear that, if then you'll be ready to share yours because that's the

only way you're going to be able to get that. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you keep talking. You've mentioned it a couple of times. So I know there's something in you as. I just remember because we talked about it last year. I mean, I don't mean to be rude, and I hope this doesn't come off poorly, but both of you have parents who have passed away. Like, don't, like, don't you think, like, her, even though she's going to be really mad at you, don't you think she's like, when you guys have wanted, like, even though you might have been mad at your mother from dying early, when you've wanted her to come back, like, it just seems, like, it could be pretty awesome.

I just Lee There's so much fucking shit Listen she's a 25 year old kid All right I had a great relationship With her up to a point And then I had to live my life

I had to find out who the fuck And what I was gonna do with my life I couldn't sit there And be this person I really wasn't I was doing blow Four nights a week I was living off returns I was living off returns

I was living like a fucking pimp eating three meals a day out living on returns bringing back express on machines carpets and lawnmowers whatever I could walk into the fucking customer service with I picked it up a toaster

whatever the fuck it was sandals whatever the fuck got me a hundred bucks for the day and I had 19 more to choose from from Wyoming all the way up to Denver and I'd start all over again you know that that's how I was making a living I was if I wasn't

doing that. I was working at the sports betting service, which I was getting high four nights a fucking week. That's why I was doing my money. I couldn't have been a dad in reality. I couldn't have been a dad to myself. I was sleeping two hours a fucking day. I would get it on Wednesdays and have to get

Chinese food on the arm. Chinese Ron? Yeah, no, that's before Ron. After Ron. The other guy, there was just a thousand stories, but there was love there, and I was trying to do something. I was trying to do something. You know what I'm saying? I was never going to get the chance to fucking accomplish it,

not by their, not with their fucking eyebrow beatings. We were going to be in court once a month. You know what it cost you to go to court once a month? A lot of money? Three, four thousand fucking dollars. That's the biggest racket right there. Come on, guys. I was getting killed here.

So I don't want to tell my story. She's going to come with a story. She's going to tell me why she hasn't contacted me. There's a reason why she hasn't raised her hand. There's a reason, guys. Something was told to her that there's a reason why she's not raising the hand. And it was told to her by a mother and a grandfather. I know how this racket works.

So, and I don't want to go back and forth with nobody. Not at this age. I got a second chance. I got a second chance. I'm going to go back and try to fucking redo history. Listen, I got a thousand question marks in my life. I would love to go back for a week to New York City and go to Weehawk in the Union City and find out the name of my mom's businesses and what name of a lot.

the license she got on and you know what was left over the reason why she sold all that stuff I would love to have time for fucking find all that shit out but what would I do what I'm living right now what would I do I got a thousand things on my plate right now I just can't put them away

because I want to dig up a fucking cold case from 19 every fucking three you know yeah Inspector Niz yeah I want to find out what the fuck happened where were you thinking

you know, I reach out to people from time to time, man. And I'll tell you, it hurts my feelings. They don't even contact me back. You know, I'm a big believer in therapy. I've gone to therapy quite often. And one of the things that I learned, and I, you know, I don't have a relationship with my mother. And we, because we had a bad one, it wasn't that we had none, we had a bad one, her leading the way. And I don't know how long ago it was, maybe eight years ago, I decided that I was just going to forgive her.

I was going to forgive her for, I wasn't speaking for the family. I wasn't a representative for my father and my brothers. This was me talking for me and me only. And I called her and she was blown away. And she's like, you know, you hate me. And I said, listen, over the years I've learned a few things. And this is my own opinion of it. But in order to love someone, you have to have a strong positive relationship with them.

And in order to hate someone, I believe you have to have a strong negative relationship with them. I think there needs to be a relationship for hate. And the fact is, I don't know you. You don't know me. You don't know my favorite color. You don't know what I like to eat. You don't know anything. And she's just crying.

And I'm like, so I don't hate you because I don't know you. I really don't even know who you are. But I forgive you. And nothing changed. Nothing changed. And then I felt like a fool for doing it, you know. And I was talking to one of my therapists. And one of the truest things that I've heard is that you can't forgive someone who isn't asking for forgiveness.

This woman wasn't asking me to be forgiven. It's something that I was offering to make myself feel better, ultimately. And it backfired. It didn't change. It didn't do anything. And, you know, if someone's not coming to you and saying, hey, I'm so. sorry, I'm asking for forgiveness. I, you know, can you forgive me for this and calling themselves out?

Then they don't really think they did anything wrong. So you're offering them something that they're not buying, they're not interested in, they're not whatever. That's a thing for you. And then I realized that, you know, in hindsight, and I was like, God, because it did. It burned to me. It made me feel like a fucking asshole and a fool for a minute. But, you know, I tried something and it didn't work.

And, you know, it is what it is. this point. I forgave one of the biggest pains I had in my life. I forgave my stepdad. I don't know why. I don't. So this day, I wrestle with it back and forth. You know, what he did to me between 79 to 85 was just amazing what we were back and forth, you know, and there's people, there's two sides to every story. And I even compromised by myself. I said, you know, I was looking for money. I was saying, what the fuck happened to my mom's money, you know? There's a house. There's this, there's that. And he's like, well, on the other side, there's a half million dollars in debt you don't know about. That I knew about it. I knew that it was legit, you know? And I had painted that the drugs and the pain

had painted this picture that had this money owed to me. And it created this person inside me. I was going to kill him. So for years, when I went to Colorado in 83, was to let the situation cool down and for me to come back and kill him. That was it. That was a situation.

That was it. Very plain and simple. At that time, that was where my head was at. I like how you were letting it cool down to return to kill somebody. Oh, no, it was horrible. You would think it would be amped up to kill someone. My mom died. Yes, I took one of the things out of there and I had a party in the house.

But he locked me out of there. He changed the locks. I was never allowed to go into my child at home again. There was no social security. I mean, the list went on and on. And he added to it by not helping out. but I didn't want his help in a way I heard his feelings

when I decided to move with somebody other than him you know I think he would have helped me if I would have moved him there's a lot of back and forth here but the bottom line is that I spoke to a friend of mine

that I grew up with about six months ago and she goes that she goes you know that before he died and my mom died they didn't speak for about six years and I go really

that's weird I didn't know that she goes yeah because one night he came over and my mom went off on him for not helping you. And I go, in your heart, do you really think that he should have helped me? And she goes, everybody believes he should have helped you. And deep down inside, I know, I know this.

I'm the type of guy I'm not fucking that dumb. I knew he should have gave me $30,000 and set me up. And, you know, just by what my mom had done for him. And I was fucking really mad, man. And in 85, I came back in 84. and I had the thoughts going back and forth, but people were like, you know what, you want to stay away from at this point in his life?

And I was doing my own craziness, and I left in 85, and I came back in 91, and I went up there looking for him, and we talked, and we both looked at it from a different perspective. He never gave me a dime. He never gave me a dime. I forgave him, but there's moments once, twice a month,

that I can't believe that this guy, because at the end he left like a million dollars, And then I went to his house. I spoke to his ex-wife. His wife at the time, I went over there. And I thought she would go in the room and at least give me my father's jewelry. And she took that jewelry and that cash. And then she got diagnosed with cancer.

And then her brother got the cash. Then he got diagnosed her cancer. Jesus, you don't want that. No, that's what I'm saying. That's poison. That money was poison from the start. So in a way, I always thought that I would get it later on in my life. something would happen that that money would come to me in a different light.

You know what I'm saying? That's how I let that. I forgave them in a way. When it comes to my ex-wife, Jacqueline's mother, Jackie Ball's mother, dog, I don't see it at all. I don't see it at all. From a Catholic to a human being, I don't see it at all. As Lee, as my friend and you're a great guy,

I could never sit here like a regular fucking American and tell you that I can forgive them, you have no idea the thoughts that come to my mind even today. If you had to guess, what would you say she was going to say you did? Why was she so angry? She probably talked a lot about the kidnapping. You know, she probably said a lot about he's a kidnapper. He did this and that.

She probably, you know, just told her that. And in the way, listen, she told her the truth. I was out of my fucking mind. You know what I'm saying? But she forgot to tell her the other truth that I really loved this child. That this child was the only family I had in the fucking world.

You know, this was everything I had. This was it. When she came home and said she wanted to get a divorce, I was fine with it. I understand that people don't last forever. But I was also sold a bill of lady that said that I was going to have a relationship with this child full time.

And then I was like. Then one day she just moved out of her parents' house without telling me, moved her into a guy's house. house. That right there is grounds for fucking chopping your head off. Yeah. Why come from that right there

is grounds for chopping your fucking head off. I was paying everything. I used to pick the child up at daycare and walking back to my place, then she'd pick her up. And then when they were call her at night, let me say goodbye, night to Jackie. They're not here. What the fuck you mean? And the mother was

that's why I never really talked to the mother again because the mother was in the middle of everything. And I understood she felt bad. whatever. But I can never see me forgiving Jackie's mother. And I put that out publicly. It was just too much. It's still too much. I've called three times and had her just to call me back that I just want to say I love it. And I was thinking about it. Oh, Jackie's busy. She just went through a relationship and she's still mourning my father who died two years ago so she can't pick up a fucking phone.

So I don't know what they're telling them. I guarantee all the gifts. I sent and everything nothing was ever given to her. All the letters I sent, nothing was ever given to her. I guarantee nothing. I guarantee everything was dodged and thrown away, and they told her I never sent anything. So these are the things I know that, you know, that I know she probably told her about the drugs.

You know, that's for damn sure. But I meant more along the lines of like you as a husband. Like, why would she be mad at you? I let it down, dog. A woman has a dream. Not every woman, but most women have a dream that someday

the fucking quarterback's going to fucking propose to them. You know, a woman wants security. You know? One thing I am guilty of in this whole thing, I was a shitty husband. You're rightly. I got married for the wrong reasons.

I got married. I was young. I had no idea what marriage was or a fucking relationship. I got married because I knocked a woman up, you know, which pro and con I can't support or not support it. At least I gave it a try. It just didn't work. I was a horrible husband late because I didn't know what a husband was.

How old were you when you got married? 23. Oh, God. That would have been terrible. 24, 25, you know. Doesn't really matter. wasn't ready for it. I didn't know what the fuck it was. I didn't know what you had a feel for somebody.

When I look at my wife, Terry now, and I look at her in the kitchen stand, I still love her more than ever. I love Terry more than fucking ever, you know. So then I went to kiss her and the baby was there and the baby pushed her away from me. Stop! No problem. No, no, what she said today? She said something today. She was very funny to her. Today we both left the house fucking laughing.

but that was tonight in the kitchen I went to kiss my wife and she stepped right in there stop stop stop what you got playing this weekly what's happening

I'm going to fucking Fort Lauderdale to the improv My dad's excited I know It's four days The Dickie fucking Syatt Does Dick Syed have a car Yeah

Dick Syatt might be giving me A fucking rival We're on a mission From fucking Satan I throw them a couple yards. I'm going to have to go deep into Miami. I do. I do have to go deep into Miami either fucking Wednesday night.

I'm going to do it Thursday in the daytime. So what I'm thinking of doing is getting back to my room, taking a shower, eating a nice dinner, and then taking a fucking car down to Miami, hanging out of Miami for two, three hours. I got to see these people. Let them do that thing. And then I go back to my room and everything is beautiful.

I wake up in the morning, take a shower, and I'm out of it. You know what I'm saying? I really got to go see these people I grew up with, man. You excited? I'm always excited. I'm always excited to go on the road. You know that? I hate the fucking daughter, and I hate the whole thing.

I was thinking about lead driving me this week because I got to be there at like 8 in the morning. That's a shitty time to fly out. I like flying out at 5, 6. 8 o'clock. I got to fucking drive in traffic on Wednesday. God damn it. But you know what, man?

Once you're on stage, Thursday night, it's a fucking good time. And that's it, Lisa, I am. I'm fucking working, Ryan Sickler. How many fucking comedians? This is why you get into this. You get into this to finally for people to want to go see you and people want to talk to you and they want to buy a shirt and they want to talk to you about fucking Lee or whatever. This is why you do this.

I have the opportunity. This is why I do this now. I hate when people call me for stupid auditions now. You're not going to get me to audition on a Thursday and cancel now. I got an investment now. I want to go on Thursday and see these people. There's 100 fucking 50 people

that come on Thursday with joints and hits an acid for Lee and shit like that. What the fuck, man? Let's do some fucking sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here. All right, people? Listen, your time is precious

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