The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #328 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 27, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 10/26/2015.
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Every day you do three threes, you know, three fives. It's even if we're just laying on top of each other and you're breathing and whatever. You're getting your composure. You're breathing out your nose. You're telling the other guy, listen, do this. You know, at least get the ball started from. Right. I want you to see the technique.

I want you to go home and go, why my arm's so sore? Because I'm pushing him instead of escaping and putting my knee up. Right. And you remember to put your knee up and little things like that. You just get a lot more personal attention. At least I do. Yeah, man. It's a good little class.

I'm ready. Let's do it. Fuck, that shit. It's October, what, 26th? Halloween week, trick-and-treat motherfuckers. This show is brought to you by Club W. What is Club W? Club W is the best way to get wine.

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Better tasting, longer-lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you. Oh, shit. Kick that Lee. Kick that horse. Oh, shit. What?

Monday, October 26th. We're going old school tonight, motherfuckers. Are you fucking kidding me or what? A couple of fucking gorilla biscuits. A couple of bumps of twuts to root. A couple of fucking long island ice teas. You're jumping up and down to this motherfucker here. What?

Oh shit. Keep him this motherfucker. Right here. When I was a senior in fucking high school, this is the general. That's how old is Jeremy. Kick it up, Lee. Hit.

The church of what's happened now, you bad motherfuckers. You're coming. What's the story? Do you go to school dances to this? Or I can't even imagine you going to a school dance, but... No. When I was a senior, that January was when, you know, we would always go out in Jersey to different places. But when I was a senior.

that January, was when we first started drifting over into the city after the bars were closed. Jesus. So 3 a.m., New Jersey bars were closed, and we would drift into the city. And in those days, it was like, yeah, Studio 54 was the Mecca. Trust me, I was not going to Studio 54. I wouldn't even, they wouldn't even let a guy like me stand online in Studio 54. Oh, wow. So we would go to the lower end ones, the whatever club where it was like $12

or you could drink. We went to the church a couple of times, which never impressed me, that limelight. So did you, because you've talked about before how they used to have paper licenses. Did you even use those or was it just they let you in? Because that, yeah, no, they would prove you. They would, listen, man, in those days, as long as they were covered, that's all they gave a fuck about. Now they scrutinize, you know, take the ID from you.

and call 911 and call the cops. Yeah, they scan it. You're getting $1.50 an hour. Who gives the fuck? Give the kid the idea. What? You didn't try to sneak into a club, but these dudes take their jobs too fucking seriously.

Yeah. And, right, you know, for $10 an hour, you're going to scrutinize some kid. Just give the kid the ID and go listen, kid, don't come back down here. And don't bullshit me. But now they pull people out of lines and call 911. Is it really worth the aggravation?

30 years ago, as long as they were coming. Hey, man, he showed me an ID. Let me see the ID you showed him. This ain't you. Okay, what am I? O'Dini? I don't fucking know. I'm getting $10 an hour.

What do I give a fuck? Right. You follow me? Yeah. It's the same fucking principal. And did you know? Because when I was going to high school, it got around. Right.

Then a certain Chinese place wouldn't go. Right. This is the same thing. Certain clubs will let you in. But in those times, at that time it was 18. So I think by that time, we were all allowed into those clubs. Oh, it was 18 plus. Legitimately.

We were all allowed into those clubs. And towards the end of the school year, more and more once a month, twice a month, we thought we would, you know, Johnny bananas and we go to like, I forget to like the rooftop and, you know, and do like a grandma blow and meet other fucking morons and do a grammar blow with them. And then, and then that's it. I, once I saw that, I couldn't go back to just go into bars anymore, you know, like once I saw. that type of, and I wasn't a big New York City night life guy. I was going to say, you don't seem like a club guy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The only way you could drag me those things is if we're doing Coke, I was half in the fucking bag and you had quay ludes and I cut into an eight ball with you guys and four of us were going into the city. If three people are going to leave with the eight ball you chipped

in on, you might as well go. Right. So that's the only reason I would go. And I can't lie to you. I had a good time. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I had a miserable time. Was it my type of lifestyle? No. No, I couldn't go out of you. It's funny because on the way here, I drove my wife's car tonight,

and I was listening to Studio 54 on Sirius. Okay. And it was a couple that they were interviewing, and they were talking about raising two children. He was a dentist, and she was something, and they raised two children, and they went to Studio 54 four nights a week. And they would tuck the kid in,

the mother would come over and stay on the couch and they would be home in time to make breakfast for the kids at 6 in the morning. Then he would take a nap and go to his dental office. He would make all the appointments for lunchtime. And he was talking about like hanging out with Truman Capote and Liza Minnelli and, you know, just that was fucking crazy.

And I did go to Steelo 54 one time, but in 1983. And it was already done? That was done. I went there with, like, a friend of mine that knew somebody. Well, what do you think as, like, a relatively new parent when you hear someone's going to studio 54 every night? As what? As a, me to judge somebody? When you're hearing that, like, are you saying, that's awesome?

They shouldn't do that? Like, it just seems like it's kind of, like, it's crazy. Listen, man, if you're dropping your kid off at some far in his fucking house to decay your child, while you go out, jump up and down and snub blow. I think that's fucked up But I can't judge it But on the other hand If my mom comes over and stays with the kids And I got everything covered

Yeah I saw my mom live a fucking hard life That's why she died at 48 But I saw my mom Live a bar life And try to take care of a kid and balance it Terry and I were talking about it tonight I was watching the Chinese connection last night

Oh yeah Mercy was in the tub, and I did the periscope. I saw when I was in Florida, somebody had tweeted me that Bruce Lee was on all fucking weekend on El Ray. So I didn't have El Ray down there in fucking Florida at the hotel. So last night I remember. And I put the Chinese connection on, which they call Fist of Fury.

It got released as Fist of Fury, but we changed it to the Chinese connection. And it's all the same? It's all the same. Okay. So that's my all-time favorite. That's when his teacher dies and he avenges his teacher. That's the one I put on Rogan.

That's my all-time favorite Bruce Lee movies. He's just, he's basically, Cursy, Paul Cursy. Oh, right. He's Paul Cursy in that movie. He's going to find out who killed his teacher. He does not believe that the teacher died of pneumonia. And he plays that role, you know, What I tried to explain that day on the Joe Rogan podcast was how intense he came on the scene, Bruce Lee.

Like, you see what Ronda Rousey's doing now? Right. With the internet and everything. He was bigger without the internet, with nothing. So when I came, one day I'm at my friend's house. Right. These cousins, I play with Alcuello and he was older than me and their aunts and their mom. my mom and every Sunday night the show used to come on the green on it and at the end some

Chinese guy would bit slapped the fuck out everybody and every kid in the house would lose their fucking mind okay and start throwing kicks and back and the parents have to come and control yourselves you know and then the combat was on a rap patrol one of those shows which a lot of you youngsters would never even understand a lot of young patients say youngsters this is an old show rap Patrol. It's about this fucking open up with this Jeep in the desert. So at this point, how many stations were there? Three. Three? Okay.

There was ABC, NBC and CBS. There was some Spanish stations, but you had to have a hangar. Behind your TV with aluminum foil and shit, you know, there was no cable, no nothing. So do you think he would have been as popular now? Who? Bruce Lee. Oh, my God. If he was popular with three channels, so three channels, okay, so all of a sudden one day, I don't know what the fuck the show is. I know the show's called the Greenhorn and it's a Chinese fucking dude

But at the end he just karate chops everybody Okay And one day he disappears And I get involved in a thing called life Okay He gets taken off the air in 68 or 69 Which puts me at 5 or 6 You know

I'm involved in this thing called life When you're four And you want to kick And they're telling you you can't kick But you see a fucking Chinese dude On TV kicking people On Sunday fucking nights You lose your fucking mind

Okay Right. So then this fucking Chinese guy disappears. All right. And I went out in my life. I got into baseball, disco, sticky Charlie. I got into all that shit on the 48th Street. And then one day, he reappears in this fucking movie of him flying through the air. I'm looking at this guy and I'm going, I know this fucking guy.

And then talking to the kids on the street, they're like, yeah, that's the motherfucking green on it. Oh. So the first movie was originally called the Big Big. boss, which they switch to fist of fury, which is him. He goes back to work in a nice factory. His mother sends him to fucking some planet. And he gets there and he hooks up with the fucking cousin. And the cousin gets him a job at an ice factory.

And then the fucking cut. It's 18 fucking Chinese people in the apartment. And one cut, two cousins don't come back. And all of these movies are in Chinese. Chinese with subtitles. Subtitles. But at the time, they had already put English. Oh, dubbing.

Okay. So that's Fist of Fury, and then he fucking fights the boss, and so at the end he beats the boss. That's why it's called the big boss. Okay. All right. So then I caught the tail into that. I'm not going to lie to anybody and tell you.

I saw that in the movie theater. I don't even know how you would watch a movie in those days at your house. I think didn't it come on, I've heard it just came on TV at a certain point. You had a way to something. Excuse me. And then something miraculously happened. I was watching Happy Days. Okay.

Right. It was the first season of fucking Happy Days. I think I could double check with you guys. I'll look it up. Look it up. It was the first season of Happy Days. Happy Days, I think, used to come on ABC on Tuesday nights. All right.

This is what I'm thinking here. I'm thinking. Okay. Go ahead. But what am I looking up, Happy Days and Bruce Lee? Look up Bruce Lee Chinese Connection, release date. It's going to say 71 or 72. Right.

It was released November 7th of 72. Okay, so now look up Happy Days, TV series. 74 to 84, so two years after. So it was... Unless you caught it at like a... No, no, we were watching something else. We were watching a different type of show. That Tuesday, it was like a Tuesday night on TV.

And what you did at Catholic School, a Sacred Heart School for Boys, was you got out of school at 2, and then you went to study hall from 2 to 3.30. And then at 3.30, you went to the dormitory. You changed. And you played from 4 to 6. At 6, you went in for dinner. At 6.30, you went back to your room and did homework for half an hour.

What time do you think it was on Tuesday? I don't remember. I don't fucking know. Because on starting at 8, it's temperature rising. And then ABC movie of the week, starting 830. That's fucking crazy. And then Mod, Y, 5-0. how ABC that's that's CBS yeah CBS and then NBC was Benanza the bold ones and NBC reports wow yeah two TV shows a

Tuesday night movie of the fucking week and there used to be a Sunday night fucking movie other week and then and then there was a the ABC movie went from 830 until when it ended and then the CBS started at 930 so there was two movies so you may maybe start on one of those well no no what I'm saying is it was a commercial or something that was on okay and we were while we were kids. We had to watch TV at night. Right. And all of a sudden, that trailer for Chinese Connection came on. And here I am in a dormitory

with the bottom line. 30 fucking kids between the ages of 8 and 9. Like, we were in a dormitory with 3rd and 40th grades. And they're all boys, right? All of us are boys. Third graders on one side, fourth graders on the other side.

You were talking about it this morning with John Bud, who's doing some younger kid karate classes now. You're like, when they're that age, All you want to do is like is fight. I did that from the age I can remember. I did taquando, karate, wrestling. I did all that. So now it's mediocre.

Martial arts at that time at this country was there but not really. Okay. And all of a sudden, we're all watching TV. And Lee, I didn't know where this Chinese guy starts beating people up. And he takes Newchucks out. And then everybody's jaw droll. And I remember when the said, coming Friday. Like everybody was like, we're going, we're going.

And everybody started yelling and the nuns like, you got to stop. You got to stop. You got to stop. Nobody's going to go nowhere if you don't stop talking. Like every kid's head blew up. And after that, it was all over. Once the Chinese connection hit in 72, it was like Rounder Rousey. It was like fucking Rounder Rousey.

Everybody was dressing up with Bruce Lee shit. Everybody had those Chinese shoes on who wasn't going to fucking China. Who didn't meet Bruce Lee in California? You know, it was. Bruce Lee. It was fucking Bruce Lee. Immediately. Immediately like months. He was in the fucking national because those were considered like spaghetti westerns for Clint Eastwood. He had to go back to Hong Kong to make those and eat shit and make those again. But those made him a star. Last night I watched the ending of the Chinese connection, which I had tears at my eyes at the end. I forgot how good it was. And my hat's off to Robert Rodriguez. My hat's off. Hats fucking off of that dude Because I read somewhere See I knew about the weekend

But I knew about it through Twitter About two weeks ago And I read somewhere that he was doing it all weekend And he had obtained the rights To show the whole movie without the cuts So it was the way the director intended it for you to see it Like I watched Return of the Dragon

There was nudity I never saw nudity You follow me? That was nudity In the Chinese connection There's nudity when they're after whatever ugly fucking Chinese women with little tithies are like Japanese women they got ugly pussies and shit so disappointing as a kid yeah yeah you want to see big tits and the chick's got nice tits but she had a fucked up face and you know when you're 10 you don't want to see that

you want to see a fucking model you know you don't want to see hong kong fucking fuwi so it was just uh it was uh what really fucked me up about last night that fucked me up a couple weeks ago because I'm trying to write this book. So I'm trying to write an intro. And I was thinking of something, what really fucked me up. And you know what really fucked me up, Lee? When I got left back.

I never realized it until I wrote this fucking thing. How much it fucked me up? Because it really made me insecure. And it really made me how to prove myself. But it really made me have to prove myself to me, which is the weirdest thing I could say. I had been out of Catholic school two years. The deal, and I was telling Terry this,

Like you gotta be shit in me when I went when I got out of the Catholic school in the fifth grade and went to North Bergen to McKinley in the sixth right My mom didn't wake up in the mornings anymore There was cereal there was eggs there was bacon there was toast and butter There was sodas there was juice there was milk And there was money you do what the fuck you want at that by that time my mom didn't wake up for breakfast no more Was she mad that you left Catholic school or you were old enough? No, no, no, no no no no my mom's felt I was old enough to make breakfast. To make breakfast.

Two eggs, two pieces of bacon, wash your dishes. You know, if you're really fucking hungry, if you're really fucking hungry, you'll make breakfast. And guess what, Lee? It taught me how to make two eggs. And then a friend of mine taught me how to make a cheese omel with American cheese, and that was it after that. I never fucking made an egg again. I made cheese omelets two eggs with a little milk, pepper, salt, and I'd fucking make an omelet. But that wasn't the only thing.

She was like, if you want to wear those. pants, I do laundry twice a week. But if you want to wear those pants, you got to do those for your own laundry. You follow them? Like if you want to wear them more than one day, we're? Yeah. Like my mom's like, if you want those, if you wore those Wednesday and you want to wear those

Friday, it's not going to happen. Because I'm not doing laundry until Sunday. So my mom did laundry like Sundays and Tuesdays, or Saturdays and Tuesdays, Saturdays and Tuesdays. So she was like, it's not going to happen. You want the fucking pants that bad? You wash him. So guess what, Lee? I learned how to wash my own pants.

Did you have that in the house or do you have to go to a... No, I had a washer dry right in the house, and we had the line outside, the whole fucking thing. What Spanish people, though? We put a line outside. So by that time, that was the treatment I had. Like, you're old enough to take care of this shit. I'm not going to wake you up for school.

I'm not going to wake you up for school. And it was a couple times I was late, and she was fucking furious. Right. Fucking furious. You know, she didn't believe in that shit at all. But then something happened, Lee, I got left back. So the rope she had given me. Backfired?

Backfired, but I couldn't tell her. I couldn't eat fucking shit. There was no way. There was no way. I was going to eat shit from my mom. There was no way. It was the roughest shit to eat. She knew how to shovel it, dog.

She gave me that rope and I fucked up. That means I wouldn't ever get that freedom again. So I hid it from her. So guess what I had to do? I had to step my game up. I had to step my game up to cover everything. So I had to fucking get, A's plus.

So there would be no misunderstanding. So ever since that time, I became a, I was always a good student without even thinking about it. Just sitting in class and listening. Yeah. If you can't get a B sitting in class listening, taking little notes for 45 minutes, you deserve to fucking be a fucking mother. That's pretty crazy, though. Do you think, like, what do you think your life would have been if you had told your mom you got left back? Like, that seems like a turning point.

Well, here's the other thing. I was thinking about this also last night. You know, I'm watching this fucking Bruce Lee movie. First off, I went to Fort Laude there this week, and I saw some kids I grew up with. And one of the kids I always see that, I didn't see this time, his name is Sebelio Pino. Me and Sebelio go back to fucking Sacred Heart.

That's second, that's third to fifth grade. Jesus. Okay, his dad owned the refrigeration repair service Okay And he was friends

With my mom And my stepdad He did all the He's Cuban dude So Sebelia was his son So me and Sebelia hung up A kid named Mikey And a kid Supito

After Bruce Lee came out Us four were inseparable Because Supito And Mikey Their parents were both Super tenants of a building, which

mean they had access to a building, a basement. So we would go to their basements and dress up with karate guys and beat the fuck out of each other and do forms and hang bags and fucking iron palm techniques. You always have the hookup. All through life you have a friend

who does this. Two of the kids. Can you believe that? How does that even happen? And we were the fucking kids, their parents ran buildings. So we had access to basements. You had a fight club. We had like a little fucking fight club. But we didn't beat each other up like that. I can't.

No, there was excellence. You know, people got kicked through a wall or something time to time you get aggressive, you know, and, you know, it happens. You don't mean, these are your fucking gumbas. You're not there to hurt them. Did you pick up the nun trucks at that point in the end? We did everything. We did everything. We everybody walked around

with lumps on their head because when you first learned the loo chucks, you miss sometimes, and you clock yourself. You miss all the time. You fuck your elbow up. You fucked the back of your head up. You fuck Yeah, right here. Oh, my God, you clock yourself in the jaw. That's why I gave up on the back of the elbow and the fucking back of the

I don't know how many people walking around half retarded because they had new checks today. They fucking bounce them off the head. But he created such an impact. But I was thinking about Sebelio Pino. This is the saddest thing I told my wife this was sitting there last night. She says, what's the matter? I go, I'm marching this. And I've got to be fucking honest with you.

This is 1972, right? You read in 1972. That clocked me at nine. Nine. And again, it's 1972, ladies and gentlemen. So I want you to close your eyes for a second and think of how different life was and how slower it was.

And yes, there was perverts. And yes, there was fucking gay people trying to get their dick sucked. And there was everything. Not to the magnitude there is today. But my mom would let me walk. How far is it from Blockbuster? On Lankishing.

You know what? It used to be a blockbuster that's Jersey Mikes. Right, right, right. How far do you think of this in Jersey Mikes to Denny's on Lankers? At least a couple miles? Two miles?

You would think because it's like a few main streets. It's like four or five big blocks. My mom used to let me walk from 29th in Bergen-Line Avenue to 48th in Bergen-Line Avenue, which is about a mile and a half. Yeah, Jesus. With four kids to catch a 10-30

Chinese connection. So in those days, I would come home on Thursday afternoons from Catholic school. My mom would go, what are you doing until you? You're going to stay home? Hell no, I'm going to the bar with you. Really? You're going to come spend time with mommy? Hell no.

I want to come down and hang out with you until 9. And then I'm going to go to El Cineema and see what movies playing down there. And I would walk to the 10 o'clock film with Supito, Mike, and fucking this Pino. I did the same thing, but I was like 16 or 7th. Like, you did this at 9 going to a 10 o'clock movie? And walking home at 1215, 1215, 4 fucking 9-year-olds, walking home like jerk-offs throwing kicks in the air, punches, telling stories about fights that were never going to happen.

You know, four fucking jerk-offs. What is that area like? Is it a lot of the time? Industrial, is it like woods? No, no, no, no. At that time, 29th and Bergen Line was the street. You know how Broadway in New York City is the street? Right.

And Bergen Line starts from Kennedy. Kennedy, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, people. From 90th Street in North Bergen. And it goes all the way down to fucking Hoboken, I think, all the way down to First Street. So there's like restaurants and businesses. It starts with a park. But you pass Dunkin' Donuts and you pass McDonald's and then.

Then it's very white for a couple blocks. Once you get to West New York, it becomes Spanish. You know, once you get the 52nd Street, that's where that poultry store. Marglazano is where you go in the chickens and shit. Then from there down, from 48th Street down, it's Cuban. It's Cuban all the way down to fucking, in those days, to like 16th Street. Then it was Italian.

You know, Pino's Pizzeria. Now I'm lying to you, like 20th Street. It became Italian. You know, are there, like, other groups of your friends walking home? Because, like, when groups are not going home, they'd be, like, groups. You know, no, in these days, there were people on the streets, but not to the magnitude that you'd expect. No, but I'm saying, did you see, like, any other kids from your class at those things? Fuck, no.

Fuck no. Once in a while, yeah. Like, I went to see the longest yard with John Bender in the afternoon. I went to see, you know, Tommy in the afternoon. There was a lot of movies I went to in the afternoon. There was a lot of movies I went to the 8 o'clock. I remember going to see Enter the Dragon with my stepfather for the 8 o'clock.

But when I was at the bar on a Friday or Saturday night, I had two fucking options. I could sit at the bar and play pool, shuffleboard, music, play the congress, shake people down for money. After all that's done, it's still fucking 11 o'clock. I got four hours to burn in that motherfucker. Four hours.

Listen to the Spanish music, listen to arguments. You know, watching my mom fucking dance. My stepdad come in. He's pissed off because the ice machines broke. And there was always some drama. So I would say, fuck it. A movie?

What are you fucking kidding me? Or training at Supitos? Fuck you. I brought my ghee with me. I'll come down over there and we'll beat each other up until midnight. And my mom would go, how are you getting back? I'm walking. No, no, I don't want you walking.

Call me and I'll send a cab over there for you. So sometimes I get a cab home. Okay. But when I was at those kids, we fucking walked. We're a cab. We walked. I mean, does it, do you wish you had more structure? I don't know.

I don't know. I'm pretty much the example of the opposite. I am blown away by the rope that I had. It didn't really hit me until last night that I was watching that movie going. This came on in 71 or 72. That clocks me at any of fucking, fucking nerd you mean I was walking from 29th Street to 48th Street on a fucking every Friday and Saturday watch movies dog I was a movie kid I went to the fucking

movies as much as I could you know every movie that I could go watch and every martial art movie that came on I went and watched two or three fucking times was this the thing you did at almost every Friday with your friends that's just that's crazy I loved I loved going to movies I love my friends who doesn't that's how you learned every That's how you learn culture, what the fuck was going on, people were. I don't know. For me, it was an escape.

I was sitting there last night at that movie, watching that fucking movie last night, thinking how as it got to the end, how I remember like, fuck, I'm going to have to go. After I walk home with my friends and do this, I don't know what I'm walking into. Like by 72, 73 at the bar, I never knew what I was walking into. You'd go back to the bar. Well, no, no, I'd walk over the bridge and go to a discotheque. Yeah, I'd fucking go to a bar. Where was your house?

My house in those days was in New York City. That's why I had to wait there till three. So that's why New Jersey was nothing. You'd be around New York City. Yeah, that's why, you know, like I had to be there until three because we lived in New York until I was 10. Oh. So you follow me.

Once I was, my mom would tell me, once you're in Jersey, there ain't no coming back. There ain't no 9.30. I'm tired. So there was a rule. Once I went to Jersey, I was in until 3 a.m. with them. I didn't leave the bar until 3.20, 3.30. And by the time we got home, 10 to 4, fuck it. And then we'd go home.

My mom would cook some. We'd talk shit. And I'd go to fucking bed in those days. This is when I was, when I lived in New York City. That's crazy. That is crazy. I mean, I grew up. My mom was strict.

My dad kind of had, who worked in nightclays. up so he was out to two or three in the morning a lot but he was home during the day and my mom was super strict my dad was super strict and it just the little kid in me is a little bit jealous like I would have loved to do that I also grew up in a town that didn't have some of that stuff but I would have loved

to be able to walk to the movies but then hearing all the crazy stuff he'd go through maybe it wasn't like I don't know I don't know if it was good or bad okay what's the closest movie to my house Lancashim and fucking Magnolia whatever that is over there right yeah what you're trying to ask me is if mercy's 10 would i let her walk over there from where i

live well that's a million fucking you don't i was gonna say yes you you you don't think so that's super close i would love to tell you that i let her walk that i don't know i just don't know because that i don't trust dick anymore you can't i don't trust dick anymore it's uh it's scared But I remember... You go to a fucking parade, you get hit by a car. This weekend, that fat little fucking chick. And the boyfriend's saying that she didn't do drugs. I don't know what really went down.

I can't watch those videos anymore. No, I want... You know, you turn the news on expecting a fucking sunny day and you see a story about somebody going into some state fair in Oklahoma or some shit. You didn't see it? I don't look at the news anymore, man, because it's too sad. That's why I walked my wife and the baby to school on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, and down.

I walk them and I pick them up. Like if you're, I hate all those streets. Oh, yeah. Hate them with all my heart. I hate all those streets over there. And she's only getting bigger, mercy. Oh, yeah, you get more money for her.

They could get fucking 2000 in Mexico for her. She's three or four. She's a blonde there. They get 10,000 for it and shit. You know, these fucking people are animals. That's how you have to think. Yeah. That's how you, and I tell my wife, I tell everybody, you know,

I don't know how you allow this in this society. I couldn't. But then what happens when she's 18? I got fucking Major League problems because if you come to me, not you being you, Lee. Right. But I'm talking about if Joe Parent comes to me and says, hey man, I'm going to a fucking Dodger game. Do you mind if your daughter comes with my daughter to the game? I'm going to fucking pickle.

I'm going to fucking pickle. Why? Because, you know, I just don't know Lee. I just don't fucking know. But then what happens when Mercy turns 18, she goes to. NYU or wherever she goes to college and if she's been guarded her whole life maybe she'll walk in her

home and get mugged and she won't have like the street smart part of it. I know. I know. That's the other end. That's the other end. I think I mean, I did stuff like that with other parents but I think my mom probably wouldn't have let me do it with certain

parents. So I think you'll probably, like right now you probably have certain kids, moms and dads that you don't like. I mean, listen, man. Let me tell you so. I'm going to tell you right out. I don't have mercy in the car as much as I should because I smoke reefer. And I know this going in. If I'm straight, then I'll put mercy in the car and I'll drive. But if I'm not completely straight, I'll let my wife drive.

I do this with my child. So I can never... What if, what if, Lee, your child comes over my house? Right. And the process is him coming over. My other friend comes home. We smoke a ball while we're talking shit. and not going to drive your kid back.

You understand me? I wouldn't do it. I'll Uber that fucking child over there with my wife and Uber her back before I get in the car with your child. That's how I think. What I do on my own terms is what the fuck I do. What I do with Mercy, she's three. If Mercy's 18, I look at it in the face and go,

hey, I just date 600 fucking milligrams of debt stars. You want to take a ride to fucking Valencia with me? You follow him saying? Only you because you're a lunatic Would do a hundred on the way back from San Diego With me When I'm with Mercy in the car I drive completely different

Really? When I'm with Terry in the car I drive completely different You don't drive like that with Terry? Half and half But not with mercy in the fucking life Oh, it's an experience with you But it's a

I don't You're scared for your child I don't know how your parents do it But there was one guy One father at my high school who everyone knew was drunk all the time, so, like, I wouldn't get in the car with him. There was a, like, I've heard stories of him, like,

driving over medians and stuff like that, so it happens, but you have to, oh, but, um, yeah, I mean, I don't know how people send their kids to school now. I honestly don't. Anyway, all that's really scary. And, like, I used to make, not make fun of, but when my mom was sad that I was leaving for college, I was like, yeah, why, like, why are you so sad?

Like, it's great. And now it's just, it's crazy to think how much, like how much they rely on you and how, like, you're in charge of a life. It freaks me out. You know, first you went to college, which was how far from your home? 45 minutes. I was close. And you stayed at home. You lived in the dorm.

I lived in the city. So you moved out early. You got your own. I moved out. All that shit. You took loans. Yeah. And then I.

A job in the movie theater business. The only. The only. summer I spend at home the last time I lived with my mom was summer after freshman year I went home to work and since then I haven't lived at home

and for the past five years I've lived 3,000 miles away which is crazy And then you left and came out here Yeah Were they upset? No Where was Dickie Syatt?

He was down in Florida already He was down in Florida when I was in college But they were never upset I'm sure my mom Misses me. I know, but I mean, I know she does, but she understands. Sometimes I do feel guilty That like, why am I out here? Like she had not surgery, but she had a couple things done the other day. And I was like, oh, I should be there to drive her. But it's, uh, she understands, I think. Your father's an interesting cat. Yes, he is. I really learned a lot from that two, three hours I spent with him. He's a funny dude. You're a lucky dude to still have him around. Yes, I am. Thank God. It's funny. I was sitting. there with him and now I understand what you're saying you know like there's some things that

you can't have your dad around when you're doing do you know what I'm saying like they just don't feel right yeah like it's uh it's weird I don't mind smoking the joint if my kids around or something but there's just some stuff like like even like hitting on somebody when your dad's around would be weird or if he hit on somebody it just happened to me actually and he's going to hear this now, but he called me the day after I had a porn director on my podcast, and I talked about how I used to know where his porn was. And he called me and was like, he told me a story that he was on a show once and told a story about losing his virginity and his parents called him. And he was telling me this, and I wanted to crawl out of my own skin that he had heard that I

used to watch his porn. And I just had to like change the subject. It was the worst. And it's just I mean at this point Like you're gonna run into it with mercy At some point she's this Thousands of hours of this So it's kind of hard to be embarrassed now I don't watch porn

Well not porn but She's not gonna find my fucking stash Because I don't have a stash Yeah but then you also One dirty magazine at the house Well you don't have to now But one day she might log on your computer I have nothing dirty on that

You don't go to you porn I have the U-Porn Yeah that's all they need I don't know when the last time I clicked on the U-S you're porn. It pops up. It goes away. It comes back. The fucking computer. It just shows up and then you just shows it. No, I don't, I don't, I don't, it's not that I used it. It's not that I put it. Ari told me fucking 10 years ago, they were talking about porn. When I used to go on the road

with those guys, right, I knew nothing. Do you not understand? I knew nothing. They would talk about downloading and I would just make believe like, you know, I don't know what's going on. You're doing a ton of downloading? You're like, oh yeah, I downloaded all the time. time. They wouldn't talk to me about that shit. They knew better. I'm uploading. They would talk about downloading and how, what's it like in your hotel room?

Is your computer coming in? And they would sit around like three jerk walks. Him, Duncan and Brian and Joe. And I don't know. Something's buffering. You know, whatever the fuck it is. And I would sit there like, I don't know what these guys are talking about. I wouldn't even think of bringing a computer with me on the road.

Right. Wouldn't even think. It wasn't like a computer on the road. I didn't even want a fucking computer in my house. So you never like, not have to use porn to get to masturbate, jack off, I guess? No. Really? They would talk about all this disgust and videos.

And then at night we would get high and go to somebody's room and they would show me all this stuff. That's how I learned about little things. Yeah. And they showed me my space and they showed me. Well, I had a hotmail, but I lost a code years ago. I still got the same hotmail. I feel like you had it on a piece of paper in your wallet. It's like when someone teaches their grandmother about the internet.

I had that hot mail account since 1997. Houston, Texas, Stacey Pocoluto, who I spoke to today, made that email for me. So do you ever look back at the emails from that time? No, I never got emails. I didn't send an email on nobody. I didn't send an email to anybody to like 2003. That's the first email I ever sent anybody. Really?

It was like 2003. So you had it for years and just didn't use it? Nope. And now you're, like, king of technology almost among comedians. Like, well, not like nerd stuff, but like you're in all social media platforms and stuff. Yeah, but I can't tolerate it. Like, I'm not on Instagram. I'm not a lot.

Yeah, but you don't know how to take pay. They get all blurry and stuff. Every fucking day. Every fucking day. I get four requests for Lincoln. I don't know what it is. I don't know who they are. They just want to network with you socially.

Listen, I've said it once I've said it once. I've said it a thousand times. I don't want no more business people. It's like business for who? For people who don't want to be bothering me. I didn't set up a page. I didn't even set up a fucking page. You understand me?

That was so sincere. I could see if I bothered you and then you bother me back. I know nothing. One day I started getting fucking friendship. request from business invitations to be my friend I'm like who is this what is this Lincoln did ignore I don't know nothing

I just erase him now every day I get four five people want to be my business network why I got no money I can't do nothing you don't want a network no what network what and talk about what so you can let people know how you're doing professionally I'm not doing that profession I'm sitting here with a fucking little Jew from Boston who kicked the shit out of me in jujit you know that's all I'm fucking doing what am I doing

I'm not doing nothing. What am I going to talk to you about? I got enough problems. You should just make a LinkedIn account and have it just be, I'm not doing nothing. And then they'll leave you alone. But here's the thing. I never set one up.

You must have clicked on it at some point or maybe people are just putting your name in. My people got to bother me. I don't want to bother me. I don't want to fucking, I don't know. Instagram, that means I got to take pictures. Right. I don't want to do that easy

That's too much work I gotta go back to Sprint The fucking Wi-Fi I can't send pictures I can't send pictures And nothing no more That'll suck Jesus Christ Joey 500 milligrams

What's it? Want to another one? Not really but I don't really have a choice Fort Laude there was a lot of fun man Yeah you said Thank you for spending time with my dad By the way he had a blast Yeah he's a good dude

Like I said you're very fortunate to still have And just sitting there with him, just brought back, you know, it just made me realize how lucky you were. Like how lucky a lot of people are that your dad's around to see you there. You know, and sometimes I'm like, why doesn't Lee live close to deck? You know, why don't you guys live together, share an apartment? Oh, geez. Like Austin and Felix. And I understood the other night.

Yeah. He's a great guy. I would have him around. But I understand how you want your space. You know, you want your, you don't want your dad to see you on the head of acid. You don't want your dad to see you. Hear me having sex with Paula? Right.

Like a couple of times an apartment has popped up like in the building of Paula's, and I'll see a sound like joke. Hey, maybe I'll just move in down there. And I couldn't even imagine like how would we ever be able to have sex again if we live in the same building as her mom. So yeah. No, I love my dad, but he, he's happy down there. Yeah. We wouldn't be able to live together.

I love, and I love... No, no, but I'm not even talking about you. I'm talking about just sometimes I see... Some people make it work, though. Some people have, like, Johnny Rock has a great relationship with his parents. And where they live? I don't know where they live. He lives with them.

I don't know where they live, but some people make it work. Listen, if my parents were alive and they have a house, that garage would be the fucking million-dollar garage, you understand me? Still, at 50, if you hadn't gotten married, I would have still fucking been dead I ain't gonna lie nobody I see you motherfuckers moving out creating debt you don't need

you're so fucking stupid you're so fucking stupid it's crazy maybe it's because you had a little bit relaxed yeah I didn't have it well nothing you didn't have it and I wish I had it

I wish listen okay here it is plain and fucking simple okay this is what I wish would have happened that I had somewhere to stay with no rent to I was 24, 25.

That's what I wish. To give me that little jumpstart. That little jumpstart would have given me enough for a car. I could have done school. I could have done a lot of things. And I had friends who stayed at home longer. But under the right circumstances of your parents own the home and your parents are comfortable and they had a couple bedrooms downstairs,

you know, there's some families that it doesn't well. You know, you take the garbage out, you mow the lawn, you shovel the snow. So what? And you save fucking 600 a month, 700 a month, all those years that your friends are already getting in debt right after college. I want you to hear me out here what I'm saying to you here. Those two years after college are fucking crucial. A fucking crucial. It's okay.

You got a gig. You got a gig making pizzas and your valet park and the valet job page. you 300 on Friday nights and Saturday nights. Right. So you basically got no social life. Now you're interviewing to get the job that you went to college for. But the whole time, you're paying six bills a month rent. And you're paying your student loans or whatever.

You could defer them for a year or whatever the fuck the deal is. You only get six months. Six months or whatever. So tell me, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You go on when you're 18, you come out when you're 22, 21. Right. You need two years, just two years in the basement. Two years that you do your own lawns, you give your mom a 50, you drive your dad to the doctor, you mow the lawn, it ain't too badly.

Well, so what happens if three months in you get a job? Are you still staying there? Because that's where I'm like, no. I would stay there until I got a little jumpstart, Lee. I would stay there until I got a little jumpstart. So I go to college and now I got a job making any grand a fucking year. Let's pretend 48, five. I'm staying on my mother's.

I'm staying down that fucking basement for another two years until they throw me out. I don't think it's good. I see a lot of people doing that now, and they don't know how to deal with buying furniture, paying taxes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You don't understand. I'm not talking about mom. I'm living downstairs, and you're doing everything.

I'm talking about my mom. I'm taking over the downstairs. I'm going to paint it. I'm going to put that shit in storage. I'm going to put a little wall over there. I'm going to put some rat traps and some mice trap downstairs. I ain't cooking downstairs, but I'm going to put a couch downstairs and a bed. I've seen a thousand of my friends do it.

Thousand of my friends have converted beautiful downstairs basements, beautiful. You can't disrespect and you can't do blow and bring bitches over there like it liked it. But, you know what? Usually you meet a girl and it all works out. I would, I'm telling you, a little cliquely. always can help you out when I was 21 20 22 23 you have no idea that's all I was praying for was a cushion and I had one with the benders and I blew it I had one right when my mom died with the bend this I could have stayed there to whatever

but I blew it and then I found another one with the running it was like 40 hours a week was 200 a month that's not bad okay and you you follow me 200 a month it's better than 800 a month, especially when you could sneak upstairs and get a meatball sandwich or get cereal milk, something to bail you out in the morning when you're hungry. Yeah, I don't know, maybe I'm just,

and I think you're different too now. I could see that you wanted to fly the coop. Oh, yeah. Listen, I flew the coop at fucking 19. I flew the coop too, and I knew I was always going to fly the coop. I didn't know when, but I always knew like Texas,

people talked to me about Texas and Houston and Colorado and California and California. But what really surprised me about Colorado was that every time I watch something on ABC, especially as a child, they always said, you know, 6 o'clock Pacific, 7 o'clock Mountain.

And I didn't have the Internet. So I had to get an encyclopedia. Find out what Mountain Time was? The Mountain Town time was. And I looked at those states. And I remember going Wyoming, Colorado. You know, I think it's Utah. I forget which one up Northmore.

But I was like, this is, this is amazing. Nobody talks about these states. Nobody talks about this mountain time zone. So you just want to go see what it was? So it fucked with me. It fucked with me. It fucked of me. It constantly.

Like, that's why I went to Colorado. That's one of the main reasons I went to Colorado. Just because of the Mountain Time Zone. Because it fucked of me. How was it? Nobody talked about it. Did you like it? Yeah, sure I liked it.

I ended up living there, dying there, you know, getting the voice. Yeah, I liked it. But it was all, I'll tell you where else as a child. intrigued the fuck out of me. Seattle, Washington. Why? I don't know, because of the Supersonics in the 77 series.

I always wanted to live in New York City. Did you? Yeah, there was something about Seattle, just hearing about Seattle that intrigued me. Yeah. And then in 87, I watched the Goodfellas, and they talk about Seattle.

That's where Henry Hill was. I'm like, I can't believe all these crazy people go to Seattle. Then in 94, Cobain? They're from Seattle. I'm like, fucking Seattle is in the news again. And then at night, I told you that I would go home

in the, and the comedy newspaper at the time. Right. Was published out of San Francisco. Just for laughs. Comedy newspaper was published out of San Francisco, but the guy booked San Fran, Reno, and Seattle. So in all the issues of that newspaper, but he always had the logos for those clubs.

And I would always look at the Seattle logo and go, wow. Someday, if I ever get funny, I'm going to play that fucking club. I swear to God, if I ever get funny, I'm going to play that fucking club. I'm going to figure out how to play the underground as a fucking MC or a feature. Did you play it? Listen, dog. And I fucking got into comedy. And I was into it three, four years.

And I featured in Minneapolis, Minnesota. In Michigan, I'm sorry. And I met this girl, and I go, what are you going to do? And she goes, I'm moving to Seattle in a week. And I go, well, I'll go up there and see you. I'm the way to Seattle. Stopping Colorado and see me. And that's crazy cow.

And that's how I ended up in Seattle. Jesus. And then, but did you play that club? The underground? Yeah. First club, I ever did a feature spot in my life. I opened up for Gloria Kim Martin. I had emceed before

I had emcee at the club in Baltimore I had emcee at one of the clubs in Denver I had emceed in So you traveled as an emcee? Yeah 300 a week for like fucking 19 shows Jesus Christ

I didn't know that Michigan hired me Baltimore hired me one of the clubs in Denver hired me you know I was doing little feature spots in one-nighters and I was doing feature spots

in triple runs but I had never featured in a fucking club before. Never mind the fucking comedy underground and I was going to move back to Boulder to do the sports betting service. I moved to Seattle in June.

Okay. And football starts in August, September. By the end of August he came to me. By middle of They called me and said, you want to feature? We'll give you a feature spot the first week of September. And I was like, fuck football. I'm staying here and I'm featuring.

And I featured. And then from featuring there, I got a bunch of little jobs. And I said, listen, I won't be back to October. Then I started my own sports betting service. And I got another call. And they're like, listen, we want you to fucking, we want you to do the Seattle comedy competition. It starts in November. So I said, what am I going to do?

I'm going to call this guy. Fuck it. I just start my own sports betting service. I was going to say you, like, made a choice for comedy like that. But then how do you start your own betting service? You're just taking bets? Are you giving a pick? No, because the sports betting service is basically when you sell somebody information,

which is when a person knows people who knows people who give you the scores and no referees to game. And who are your references at this point? I know a couple friends that knew people. I know a guy who played hockey You know a shit like that now I just listen you just have a hunch Listen when I when I work for the sports Betting service that I work for

It was basically three or four guys that made a decision That had been involved in it for a long time And really knew the game that made a decision But one of the things he told me once That really stuck out my mind He goes I want guys won't I want you to know something Pete Rose was betting on baseball and he was losing.

Arch Leitzer was betting on football and he was losing. And there's a bunch of other names that he dropped and they were losing and they actually played the game. What makes you think we could be accurate? I don't understand what he meant by that. These guys were playing the fucking game. Oh, and they were betting.

Every goddamn day and they were losing. Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying? They were involved. Arch Leicester was a quarterback with the Indianapolis Colts way before you were even thought about fucking football. You were still sucking

your mom's titty when he was doing touchdowns. He was betting on football and he was the first guy to get banned. If you want to double check the NFL Art Sleitzer was the first boy. I think he was out of Indianapolis when they were something else. Before they were the

cults. There were the Indianapolis something. Well, the Baltimore Colts. Well, this is when they were Indianapolis before all that shit went down. Fleetser. NFL Art Schleetser. sc h l i t z e r nf l i t z e r nfell quarterback he's the first guy to get fucking banned i think lee uh i'll look i'll keep looking for it that's not he's supposed to so he once said it he goes

if all these guys were playing the game there it is and losing what makes you think we could bet this shit. That's crazy. But did he were they involved with those? Like with throwing the games? No, no, no.

All they did was make a prediction. They're like a stockbroker for the other. And how can they make a prediction when people are cheating? That's what they're saying. No, no, no. Nobody's saying it about not about cheating. Well, isn't throwing games? No.

They weren't throwing games. The sports betting service isn't throwing games. No, I'm saying the players. No, no. Archilito was betting on himself or whatever. I don't know what the fuck he was doing. Okay. I don't know if he was throwing games.

are just betting other football games. Sometimes they just bet other games. So they don't fucking know. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? Right. So if I'm a quarterback for the Jets, and I'm betting the fucking Buffalo Miami game. Okay.

You know what I played against both those motherfuckers, right? So you know. I know both their defenses. I know what both those quarterbacks could do. I've been playing football since I'm fucking seven, right? To be an NFL quarterback, you just don't decide to be a quarterback when you're in college

and start throwing fucking darts. you've been throwing darts and fucking peewee football right so you know this game and all of a sudden here you are and you're a fucking junkie you're a betting fiend and you're gambling

and you can't fucking pick a winner do you follow I'm saying to you so if you're an NFL player and you can't pick a winner what does that tell you? That you can't nobody can't nobody can be as accurate

as they say they can so here I am living in fucking Seattle right I'm hustling I'm doing little fucking videos for industrials for AT&T and companies like that that mailing me checks I'm getting $50 to show here

I'm living with this broad you know she spends with three hands she's a fucking stripper I got no way to make a living I go fuck it I'm just gonna do the sports betting anything on my own and how do you advertise that

okay nice and easy I bump into this dude who knows a dude who works for a fucking phone company Oh, yeah. This is the craziest thing ever. I'm thinking about it for like two weeks, because now I've got to stay there,

and I'm at Josh Wolfe place. Or maybe I'm at the underground. See, the comedy underground upstairs has a sports bar, and that's where all those sports people hung out. The Mariners are not there, and the football players are out there. Seahawks. The Seahawks, not the basketball team.

They were black. They hung out on the other side of the town. They hung out of the jazz club. No, I'm not trying to be cute. telling you the truth. Oh, okay. But my comedian, Fred and Ron Long, they hung out of a different atmosphere.

They hung out with a place where people drank wine or it was beautiful. I went there a couple times. It was a row long. He took me there a couple of times. But the other place was like Ronnie McDowell. We used to hang out with Pearl Jam and fucking, you know, I don't even remember the football players from Seattle that hung out there. But they were like bar guys, you know.

Right. The offensive line. Okay. So I bump into this fucking dude. We're just talking one day. And he's telling me that he's working for some phone company, and they give you an 800 number for free. If you subscribe to the service, it's $0.8 a minute.

I don't fucking know. You know me. I'm stiffing the company anyway. Doesn't matter what rate they get me. As long as we can do paperwork and there's no down payment, let's do it. So I start talking to the guy, I take his card. Just God goes, take his card. I take his card.

One day I'm on a fucking newsstand by the newspaper, and I look down, and I see the best 100 sports betting services in the country. I pick it up, I know it's bullshit right off the bat. This is all one company who advertises, and they put down everybody else, and they put their top three companies in the top five. Oh, okay. Because you just don't own one spending company. You own three of them.

So I would be Joey Diaz international sports. Right. You would be Lee Syatt. the king of Israel and then we'd have sports mania offensive money men from fucking Syria and just get all

the business and then hire an Arab guy to answer the phone and say that they're what's that what's all what's with the oil what's the fake fucking island oh Dubai Dubai say that they're from Dubai sports guys from Dubai get some fucking

Arab to answer the phone hello what's going on listen over here we bet for thousands of dollars. That's all they want. That's all the sports betting services. So I listen to what I fucking do. I read the magazine. I look at the guys' call and I look where the

magazine is printed and who puts it out. And I get the information. I call this motherfucker direct. And I go, listen, Doug. I know. Are you watching Law Order at this point? Like, how are you doing this? This is because I'm a savage, right? I call this fucking moron in San Diego. I'm living in Seattle.

And I go, listen, I just picked up your magazine. I worked for blah, blah, blah, and I know what the fuck you're doing. I go, can you help me out? And he goes, what are you talking about? I did a survey. You did no fucking survey. Right here, this is your address. This is your mailing. This is what your money. Look, it's, you can't be that fucking stupid. I don't even have a fucking computer and I figured this out. It's like a beautiful mind of criminal activity. I go, what the fuck is wrong with you? And he goes, well, no, my partner, he's the sports guy. I put the max. magazine out yeah okay okay listen you're talking uncle Joey here how do you do your angle he goes well

people call me and I sign them up for the season right there I knew why the guy was retarded right there why you don't want to sign nobody wants to sign up for the season they're going to try you first they want you to give them a free pick before you give them the season two three picks them a weekend for free you ain't got that type of time you're going to foil before the season's over nobody's going to stick around for a season people that are new don't know young gamblers that lose the season they don't know this and what do you do you prepay for the season yeah

these morons call up and they'll pay 999 for the fucking season and you get all the picks every weekend you get picks well that seems like a good deal to me now right but that that means you're with them what if they start losing after week four and they take you down the tumoculous

fucking road of debt by the time of week 10 you're gonna keep calling these fucking morons how much does like a pick week by week costs. So now they would call and they would go, listen, the package costs $15.99. I'm going to do this. Send me $9.99 today and I'll get you started. And after a couple of weeks, you send me the balance.

I don't give a fuck about the balance, Lee. I got your $9.99 already. Right. All right. So I go, do me a favor. When people call you, send me the fucking names of the people who don't sign up with you. You would say that? And he goes, okay, what do I get?

I go, I'll give you, I don't know what deal I cut with him. I cut some funky deal with him, but it had to do with me not spilling the beans on his fucking magazine. I know that. Okay, I know he did something. We did, we worked something out. He would not email me. We do, he faxed me the names. Yes, he would fax me the names of people who called him but didn't pay.

That's a fucked up way to start a business Listen to me So I would get those leads from him They're not leads Those are leads Those are leads But they didn't want to buy So what?

They didn't want to buy from him They didn't hear Uncle Joey's pitch Oh shit Okay so boom I call you up With the same piece of paper he's got So he wanted to sign them off for the season Right

Okay 99 I come in and I go listen Lisa I add Who's this This is Joe paternal and his fucking nephew. All right.

Here's what we're... Here's that. I'm sorry. I just said that. I don't know why I said that. Who's this? Who's this? Joey bananas.

Who's Joey bananas? I worked for fucking All-Star Sports. You called us a month ago, looking for the season. Yeah, I'm not interested. Hold on. Hold on. Let me talk to you about something, man.

Hold on. You spoke to my partner, Mike, right? Yeah, but he wanted $9.99 for the fucking seat. That's why I'm calling you. Listen to me. My name is Joe Bananas. I've been around the fucking block, all right?

I've been running with the big boys for 18 fucking years. I make my living off this shit. When you were fucking, you know, jerking off with your friends, I was hanging out with Joe Namers snorting fucking coke off chick's titty's and finger-banging bitches and the shit. They're like, and people go, who's this? Who's this? Who gave you my number? Who? And I just blow them away. And I go, listen, I don't want to work with you for a season. I don't want to work with nobody for a season.

I'm going to do this. Send me 200 to get started for $2,000. After I make you $2,000, you don't want to work with me no more? You go your way and I go my way. How would you know that they won $2,000? They would just tell you? Yeah, they tell me what they're going to bet. They're lying to me off the bat.

They're telling me they bet $50 a game. That means they bet $500 a game. Oh, it's under. I would think it would be over. They're always lying. They're always lying to you. So I would call these guys up and say, My name is whatever.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'll give you two picks a week. You bet them for $15,000. At the end of the month, you're up $12,000. How much you're going to like me then? But I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you $200 for $2,000, $10 points. And people would fucking sign up.

I had like 20, 25 people at one time. But that means every Saturday. If I was on the road in those days, which I was, they have to get up, go to a pay phone, get a calling card, and call every fucking client with a game. Oh, okay. I was a one-man operation. And then after you made them 2000,

would they re-up for another 200 or do you have other deals? No, the 200 would, the 2000 would never come. No, I'd go into them the next day if they won. Oh. I'd go right back to the tactics I learned when I worked for the company. And they'd have to pay for the new one again? Fuck yeah. That's why I made my money.

So if I called you up, right? and you said to me, well, I'm broke, I already lost a fucking weekend, whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah. I go, all right, do this, bet $300, $300, $300, $300,000, $300,000. That's fucking, you know, that's $900,000. That's $1,000. All right, so you're halfway there. Guess who you're calling the first thing tomorrow order? Guess what the first call you're going to make after you win $1,000 is to, you're going.

to you did me joy bananas oh shit great night last night what do you got from me today listen this is where it gets bad what are you talking about the information i got from the fucking jew fell through what do you mean it felt through it felt through i don't know what the fuck happened so what that mean does that means we got to go to an outside source what's that mean it means that it's going to cost us more fucking money around and i'm not fucking happy i was supposed to go on a fucking cruise to see Jerusalem and say he fucking Jesus when they murdered him and shit how do you think I fear I got the grandmother the mother-in-law and they go what are you talking about yeah it's going to cost me a thousand dollars so this is what I need for you to do

okay I just broke it up amongst my partners do me a fucking favor go to Western Union what are you talking about go to Western Union go down the Western Union and send me $1,500 fucking dollars Joe what are you talking about I need $15,000 listen listen to me You won how much last night? A thousand, but that's not why I agreement. Listen, I know, you want a thousand dollars. You want a thousand dollars with four-star information. I'm going to call this guy right now.

This guy walks around with a suitcase with a handcuff on a fucking hand. Okay? I need fucking $1.50. I thought you said $50. Listen, I'm going to cut your deal. I need $17.50. Send me $12.50 right fucking now. And we're going to get the game of the fucking year.

year. Can you bet it to $100,000 tonight? Joe, what are you talking about? I only bet $500. Listen, are you fucking listening to me? Do you think I would charge you fucking $12.50 if I'm not going to make you $100,000 tonight? I want you to start. I want you to go to Western Union, send me to $12.50, call me back with a 10-digit confirmation. Then call me back. I want you to tell me how many bookies you can put $10,000 in. Buy, click. And then what's the What do you say when your team loses? You think I'm fucking happy? The fucking information fell.

What did you lose? I lost $150,000. If you lost $150,000, you know what I lost? You've miserable fucked. I lost $300,000. Plus, I'm not going to Europe. Plus, my wife left me for the fucking midget down the corner because it's got a bigger dick than I do. So you want to call me with $150,000?

Go fuck yourself. You ain't got nothing, you fuck. Call me back later. I'll give you the game of the week, and I just hang up on it. Really? Yep. And they call you back and give you more money? Like nothing.

They wouldn't give me more money than I got to win them an envelope. But I know people who used to go in right there to them again, down $150,000. Now what are you going to do? Now we've got to go to the big leagues. I thought that was the big league. That was nothing.

This is a ref in the NFL. So how often were you going to the Western Union? Did you have just have an account there? Oh, fuck yeah. You have somebody who just picks up cash in Western Union. all day long. I can't believe you were at like the funny bone

and we're sitting in a pay phone with the picks of the week. One time in Oregon. One time in the other side of Washington, Pasco or something like that. There's just like a disco inferno in there the comedy room. It used to be 10% off of breakfast, lunch,

and dinner, Jesus Christ, the food was bad. But what are you going to do? That's how you're starting to. comedy, man. At least you got 10% on. At least you got 10% on. You'll play some music, you're gonna fucking sit there like a butt. I'm one step ahead of you. No, you're not. No, you're not. God's second.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who Will swear to be true As you used to do with me To learn that misery What's up, Doug? It's jujitsu is fun today

Well, let's don't come crying to me by jih Tzu I'm not crying, that's fun. You want to go. Now look at you, now you're a fucking savage. I like it in the small. our classes. Hassan killed me on Thursday. We were doing the Anaconda one,

the opposite of the dars. It fucking killed me. But it's getting more. It's getting better. Look at you. You're shrinking. You get more muscular. Pretty soon you're going to fucking be able to join the Mr. Olympic contest. You should be walking out of a shirt bumpling into people. Oh, if I ever get a six

pack, I'm never wearing a shirt. That's going to be great. Not even a six-pack, just flat. I love a man what goes. You got goals. Look, you're thinking about six packs and fucking 12 packs. Not even packs. You're fucking on your mind. You're still on the 24th. You're still on the 24th. You told him to suck

your dick. It's over. I see, I don't know what to do now because I put a year into it so like my rate's lower now. I'm probably going to do something on the weekends. You won't, you won't let me not work out for three days. But now it's like 30 bucks a one. You used to that

fucking stupid stairmaster without the hands. Yeah. We know. Jesus. You're going to another star. No. Let's do one more. We got a 500 milligrams, dude. Let's break the record today. What the fuck? You only live once. I might end now.

I'm sure. Let's just do it. There's a full moon tonight. You got any chicken cordon blue left at the house? I got a box left. How many pieces of the box? I get the big box because it's six. Six.

We're going over that later. We'll eat some chicken caught him blue. Okay. We'll watch some late night television. What do you think? We're going to eat another star of death. Might as well at this point. Everyone emails me like,

Oh, 15 milligram Medibald. I really knock me out for the night. We're talking about doing 625 on a Monday night for no No, Bills, 111. Don't piss me on. First of all, there's always a reason.

There's three little fucking black kids with Ebola hoping they have a star of death somewhere right now in fucking Africa. Somewhere, there's somewhere in Iowa saying, I wish you had a star of death. Let's do it for Ebola then. And you're fucking sitting there going. I mean, six fucking star.

a fuck. You can't walk on one leg, remember that. I won't be walking. You're as tough as nails. You got Uber. You want to speed, don't you?

I might have to tonight. Oh, guys are fuck. You got to break you? Didn't you say you ate three stars? Nothing happened to you had to? Yeah. That doesn't mean he's fucking

five. What are you a little piece of ash? No. Where's that piece of ass? It's still there? Yeah. It's still there. We've got alone.

It's there fermenting. I can have 10 D.A. coming here right now. They couldn't find their fucking It's right in front of them. I ain't going to talk no, boy. No, it was really nice. I saw every time. I'm talking about Fort Laude there here. Oh, cool. The sign seeing your dad,

Dickie Sayah. He had a good time. The fucking plates had good Chinese food. You were saying? The house. Called me every night. Like the fried rice and dumplings. The house fried rice is very nice. I don't know what the guys. I'm not a fucking casino guy.

Have I ever been a casino guy? Fuck, no. I don't like no place. When I walk in there, their prerogatives to take my fucking money. What's up? What are you looking up at the fucking ceiling? Full your eyes are all red.

I don't have a will or anything. When you walk into a casino... When you walk into a casino, their prerogatives is to take your fucking gears. Right, but it doesn't feel like that. No, yes, it does. It does. They, they, you know, when you see a slot machine and you walk down that alleyway,

it's like going down the alleyway and seeing a hooker. Yeah, the slot machines I don't really get, talking layers good at him. But that's not how I feel. That's the, I like, I love gambling. Whenever I go, I think I'm going to win. Props and props to do. Talking Ladd called the San Diego Raider game yesterday. He called the Raiders.

Oh, did he really? Oh, yeah. Talking Ladd pretty good. He won you money last time. Don't fuck with talking lad. Talking Lad, literally. We won't play. He sees it.

That's right. Some people have a hard time to win him one fucking game. You blast them with two, cuck, sucker. But whenever I go into a casino, I don't feel like I'm going to lose. Everyone says that, but in my head, I'm going to win. No, no, no, no, no. You didn't say, I didn't say that. In my mind, I think I'm going to go in there and win.

That's how your mind fucks with you. Right, yeah. But you also know that their prerogative is to take your money. Nothing else. from the minute you walk in and you go up to that that fucking table and you get chips and that beautiful girl comes up and says what are we drinking tonight and you're like oh shit and it's a whole illusion how they really really get you and don't get me wrong it's fun i sat there i people watch i think people watch when you're

fucking high is brilliant it's pretty great you know they had a great food court and they had pizza there. So every night after the show, I only got a slice of pizza. And I sat there one night with Dickie, and I sat there the other night with my friends, which I hung out with Lisa at since the sixth grade in Northburg. Carlos Perez, Kathy Keltoz, Mike Gwinnett. I mean, I'm sitting there with not. How lucky sometimes you hang out with four people that are from your high school. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. These were three people that were from my neighbor given that terrorist

Charles Court 38th Street Park and it was just the conversations we had were fucking amazing but the one thing that I realized while they were there is I'm on stage talking about

sensitivity and all this shit how Martina Marikong his brother Martin the Fagg's brother had a store on 40 41st tree and it was called Herman

I don't know what the fuck it was called his name was Herman and the wife made Cuban steak sandwiches in the back for like three bucks and we play a couple of games of basketball and we got hungry we'd walk over there

I didn't know the name of the store was because they just called it the Spick store that's it that's what they called it that's what it was that's what it was but guess what the other store was in our neighborhood

what store the chink store Oh yeah, we don't buy it We know We went in there Oh yeah It used to be called Dragon Grocery

We were growing up It was a Cuban Chinese guy Who had a beautiful Chinese daughter And a beautiful little boy If I'm 50 The girl's got to be 48

47 You know The daughter I was only a few years And on Sundays They would make The best pork Pork fried rice

And the best Broke Just roast pork Yacame sliced in with the fucking seeds. Forget about it. You'd sit there like, fucking what that I'd do

that deserve this fucking greatness. The Spick store and the Chinn store. Not even the Chino store. The chink store and the Spick store. That's the sensitivity in our fucking neighborhood. And would you say it to the store owner? No, they knew it. They had heard the rumor.

You know, eventually you heard the fucking rumor. Jesus Christ. How fucking crazy. And I said it on stage and Mike Winnett and Carlos afterwards. We were laughing our ass. They're like, how crazy is that? That was it. The chink store.

Where are you going to the chink store? Do you want anything? You're walking up that fucking hell. It's 90 degrees. Fuck it. Let's give it a shot. But how lucky was I that the, and Kathy Kelto's, and we were talking about playing basketball on that basketball court?

What's the matter? Lee, you're seeing things? Good for you. I'm not seeing things. You want to split head of acids? No. Okay. Jesus Christ, Joe.

We should split the head of acid. No, he shouldn't. It's the one that. Yeah, that's right. It's a full moon. What do you think? Should we spill the head of acid? No. Just little one. There's no such thing as the little one.

They got a big ones up there. We've got a little one. No. I think I think 625 is good. No, I got to go to kettle about class tomorrow. I can't punch it tomorrow, which would be good because she'll stick a needle in me to disheiphonate the acid into all the parts of my body. And I just bring her to a cold twilight. They're syphinate? Oh, no. I just made up a fucking one. I got it.

Tomorrow's the first time been acupuncture in like four weeks. Are you excited? Fuck, yeah. Where's Dr. Amy been? Down in Marina Doreen? But now she's got all her clients back.

See, the summer ended. Now the clients are back. Everybody's ready to get acupuncture for the winter. So she told me she's back here for the next four Tuesdays. So by next week, I'll be hunk hip, adieu.

You know what I'm saying? Hunk hip, Hadoey. I don't even know what that fuck will worry. I'm just dropping it on Lysayat with 625 milligrams of THC edible death. That's it. Now where are we going to go? How are you going to go to the hospital? I'm not to give you the rest of this bag because how are you going to get high with Paul now?

Yeah. You got to eat five just to open up the game. No, you don't. Yes, you do. Three is good. Maybe three in one. Oh, are they selling the green ones yet? I'm not sure.

I'll find out. Okay. Well, no, can we talk about it? I'm not sure. Okay. Okay. The green ones are 15 milligrams, and then I'm going to release these purple ones to the 200 milligrams.

The green ones tasted great. They're lemon lime. Yeah, they were delicious. Yeah, delicious. And these red ones don't taste bad. No, no, but I was just... What the purple ones taste like to you? Not bad.

You said, I didn't really taste much. And to be honest... You said they were time delayed. Yeah, oh, they were, because those are 200. Because I spoke to you and you were high. Yeah. And I was pretty high, and I passed the fuck out. I woke up thirsty as a motherfucker, like at 3 in the morning.

The sleep batting the mess had fallen off the whole fucking deal. That's bullshit. You know, it's... I'm really lucky. Even when I said, like, ladies and gentlemen, there's four people in the audience that I grew up with. They'll listen to these stories. They're fucking back there laughing. You know?

And he died when I talked about Marathon Woman. he fucking died. When he came out, Marathon Woman was a girl who sucked 16 dicks when we were in high school. I was not there. I heard the story. She did this a couple times where she sucked like 16 one day and 11 one day. Damn. She did this.

But he was talking about an incident where I always thought there was this kid named Jimmy Denny who was pimping her out. Pimping her out? That was making a suck. Like Jimmy Denny would walk up to you. Hey, Lee, give me a hug and go, Coco, how are you doing? This is whatever her name. After 10 minutes, he'd look at you, Lee, you want your dick suck? And you go, what are you talking about?

Just tell me, you want a blow job? Kobe, you want a blow job? Yeah. And he'd look at this girl and go, suck that dick. And she'd give him the purse and he'd suck. She'd suck your dick and she'd suck my dick. And then she'd go back to him and they'd walk away. It was crazy.

You have good friends. But he never did, you know, Jimmy Dunney never. Oh, you never had... No, no, no, no. I was never one of the lucky guys. I always missed it by 20 minutes. I was always one of those assholes. And then he was telling the story that he was there the one night when she blew the 19 guys,

and there was still like four guys in limer room, and she came out. And she said, that's it. Like, this girl was a nut. This girl was a fucking nut. Something happened to someone. In fucking high school. So he just had heard the story too? No, he was there.

I mean, those guys, you know, that had been, this kid Carlos Perez that came to the fucking show. Him and I used to do T.H.C. Crystal when we were 14 on Sundays. For about three or four months, me and the skinny Cuban kid would get high, and then he would go his way,

and I would go my way. Jesus. And we weren't a lot to tell, by there we had gotten high together. We didn't want anybody to know we were doing T.AC Crystal. So we would do it and then go on our own ways. Sometimes we'd hang for like an hour

and then he'd go meet a girl and I'd go meet some guys and play basketball or some shit. That's how long I know Carlos. Carlos and me go back all the way to giving that terrace. How do you keep in touch with all these people? I didn't talk to Carlos for a long time.

I always, because I lost contact with Carlos, Bobby at 18. And between you and I always love Carlos. Carlos is one of those kids early on that he was just my friend. I just knew he was one of my friends. When our

bond was that, we were the only Spanish kids in the neighborhood, you know. When you're the only two Spanish kids that get accepted like that, you have a certain bond. And he was a Balzano kid also. He was tight with Jimmy. And I was tight with Anthony. And we were all tight. So if you were tight with the Balzano

animals, you would tie it with everybody. So this made us really tight him and I. And after Anthony died, we became even tighter. And he hung around with my friend Dominic

that drowned. Wow. When there was something, when we were juniors. But the story is a week, and I was going to ask him about this, because I've heard it a thousand times. I know it's true. The story

is that one night Carlos and Dominic busted into a Chevy store in North Bergen. Right where we lived. Right up the corner, a mile from where we lived, we grew up and took the Corvette and drove out the front fucking window.

And Bobby Bender, when I went home this last time, we were eating lunch and he goes, did I ever tell you that I shot a gun at those guys the night they stole the vet? And a couple days later, he goes, I never got to see Dominic. I knew it was him.

He goes, I was on duty, and I recognized him running. They left the car and started running. Oh, God. Because they reported a suspicious car, and that one had been taken out of the showroom at McGuire Chevrolet, wherever the fuck it was. It was the one closer to a house. It wasn't McGuire Chevrolet.

They did it a mile from where you guys lived? Yeah, on Kennedy Boulevard, which is like a main street. But still, we were like, you know, down the fucking block, a mile. That's what we grew. up. They weren't that great a thieves. No, they were crazy. They were crazy kids. I tell you know, I tell you these fucking stories. We think that we grew up fucking trading baseball cards and going to baseball games with the glove and waiting for the borderland. No, I'm telling you that when I was nine, we walked to a fucking movie theater. I'm telling you that

no, these kids weren't fucking your ordinary kids, but they're still around. And Kathy Kelpter, The girl that came? Yeah. We all went to the same grammar school. The only outsider in that circle was Carlos' wife. But out of the four people, five people at the table, four of us had gone to the same grammar school. At the same time.

Me, Mike Winnett, Carlos, and this Kathy Kelthos. Not only that, I was tight with Kathy Kelto's two brothers. I was real tight with Pauli. When I played basketball, Paulie would put, Led Zeppelin live in the window of his house and I could hear it and I would shoot baskets to listen to fucking Led Zeppelin. Yeah. That's how back I go with them.

That's how back I go with the Celto's. So she, you know, here's a girl that was a butt. When I first knew Kathy, she was very quiet and shy. Like Rocky's wife, like not retarded, but she was really like, you know, quiet like. And she got married. and I guess the fucking she didn't have a life for 20 years and then she went to a wake

and she met a guy out of awake and she divorced the husband and married this guy the wake and after two years of that guy she realized she just didn't want to be married so she divorced him she got a makeover and she's a complete new different woman man

and I was looking at this girl just laughing the whole night because I know what she was and I know what she became and even if she became that later on in life she still got it one day she goes it didn't take me to be till about 40 to realize I had raised

a child I didn't want to be married no more and I didn't want to fucking be you know I didn't want to be told what to do she goes I live by myself I have my own condo now I come and go as I please and she goes I'm having a great time she goes when I leave here I might have a booty call or I might be able to just to go home and go to bed

I haven't made my mind but that's what I always wanted to do and she goes for 20 fucking years I gave my life to be married and cooking and you know and she goes now for what my kids they live in Nebraska they go to college they call me once a week you know she goes and this is what I just wanted to fucking get my life together and be who I wanted to be for it was really weird because I never heard somebody like she said that's it I stopped everything and took care of me for once and it's really weird when people realize that everybody at one point in their life

realized like when they're like, where the fuck am I getting up and going to do this shit? Today, I'm taking care of fucking me. And once you get that attitude, your life fucking changes, man. That's hard. Because they, you always hear like, you have to never, like, you always say, don't stop working. Like, you don't need days off, all that stuff. No, but she meant it in a way that she was trapped. Like she was married and she was trapped.

Oh, no, for her. It's cool. And she's always had a good job. She works, you know, she's something for like a ship line, like those ships that people, what are those people that go on those things, and they go from city to city of Mexico. Cruises? Cruise lines. So she goes on a lot of cruise lines because she works with them. Oh, cool.

She's like some big shot. She makes a great salary. She works in sales. No, she's a big shot. Oh, no, I think that's pretty, like, that's great, especially if she was, like, if the kids are out of the house. Well, her point was that she was married, you know, for all that time. She had children. And then she thought that it was that she didn't want to be with that guy.

So she married a different guy. I know the second guy she married really well. I knew him really well growing up. I mean, his brother, I knew that dad was a cop. I knew all of them. We always giggled together. And she said that she still talks to him. but after a year of being married to him,

she realized she just didn't want to be married that she went from a marriage where she raised a child and had a husband and she cooked. And, you know, this was a college sweetheart and that whole fucking thing to being a mom and blah blah, and all of a sudden she got out of that

to please another fucking husband. Once you get married again, you gotta start from scratch with another guy. You got to figure out what he likes. He don't like meatloaf with us. onions. You know, he likes his pants fucking dried and hung him the sun with lemon detergent. And one day she goes, you know, Joey, I just woke up and said, that's it. I'm not doing this no more. She goes, I love him still. We still talk. I still work for him.

He needs travel arrangements and stuff. He lives three miles in my house. And I do what the fuck I want now. And she goes, my life changed. And I could tell her life changed because when I knew her, she'd talk, but she'd say, six words. Now she runs the conversation. She's interesting. She holds it. And I really applaud people when they do that. I knew when I was when I got out of fucking prison and I married

Kathy and I had the baby with her and Lee it was a horrible feeling. It was one of the worst fucking times ever because there's nothing worse, the feeling of being trapped in the relationship. Nothing worse. And once there's a child involved, you're fucking trapped, Jack.

Yeah. You know, you're fucking trapped. When you're not married, you look at a woman, you take her the court, she takes you to court, you keep the Led Zeppelown, she keeps the rug, you know, you keep the dishes, she keeps the blender, the fucking the juicer. They're gonna take your fucking juicerly.

They take the juicer and you go your separate ways. And that's it. You don't ever have to talk to that person fucking again, you know. But when you have a child, even if you hate that person, you have to talk to that person. At least you hope so. When I was with Kathy and I wanted to be a comic, she didn't oppose the idea of being a comic. I just wasn't happy living the life I was living. I thought that was the life I wanted.

A mortgage, a lawn, you know, going to parties. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Waving that people. That just wasn't me. I can't even imagine what you would be like. I'm trying to imagine like what you at Net 52, after however many years of roofing, would have turned out.

Well, after two years, I was basically getting off the roof, and I was doing more sales and estimating. That's the thing. I enjoy the league. I could have done something with that. So what do you think you would be like? Now, if I were to stuck with that right now,

right now I would have had a 25-year-old daughter. I would have lived in Boulder. somewhere on the outskirts of Boulder. Would I be a comically or just a roofer? I don't know. You tell me. What do you think would have happened? I don't know, Lee. I really don't. Lee did that that was a scary fucking time. That was scary, Lee.

When I came home that October and she said that something wasn't right, she didn't feel happy, she wanted to split for a while. part of me was heartbroken I could lie to you if I tell you I wasn't but the other part of me was fucking relieved

because I was living a lie and here was my chance to start a new life on my own and I knew and I knew for some reason it was going to cost me and I knew that the little money I had made at that time

I was going to blow on this I knew it going in I just fucking knew it but still I wanted to be happy and that meant being a comedian I'll be honest with you at that time I don't know if it was meant being a comedian my friend I'd love to tell you that

I thought being a comedian would make you me happy I don't think it was that I just wanted to fucking be happy I just wanted to be happy I don't know if it was being a comic at all that was Lee I swear to God in 1991 stand up calmly to me

then was like me telling you I'm going to be a black belt Sunday in jiu-jitsu. Really? That far away? Oh my God. Oh my God. When I separated from Kathy, I was miles away. You got to remember, like I told you and Joe today

after jiu-jitsu. It took me two years. it took me two fucking years just to realize how I was going to perform my plan for stand-up county wow I started in July of 91 and I didn't get my plan together till November of 93 and when did when did you guys break up October of 91 so it took me two years after a divorce to form the plan for stand-up to figure out how I was going to do stand-up and how I was going to make it work.

But I knew at that, I knew October of 93 when that plane hit the driveway in Denver. I knew that if I went back to Denver, I had to go for stand-up comedy because I wasn't going to do anything else in my life at that point.

At least I had to go for it. Like really give it a fucking go. like really go for it. Why do you think you weren't going for it before? I was doing what I see most people do today. Which is what? Dick around. Which is?

Two times a week. You know what? I'm not going down there. They're not going to put me up. You know what? Leesayat gave me a spot of his room, but I'm doing blow with this broad tonight. I'm not going down there.

No. when you want to do that or be a singer or be a guitar player and somebody gives you an avenue to perform, you take that avenue. Every time. It's like today, no, no, every time, every fucking time.

At that level, I wasn't taking it seriously. I was telling people, I was bullshitting myself and bullshit people and telling them, yeah, I'm a comedian and I do this, but I really wasn't. I was just living. off the seat in my fucking pants. And then I got something

when I went back to Denver. I went back to Denver in 93, correct? On November and 93. And by June of 94, I got something that led me to believe I had a chance.

I got a call from the guy, Jimmy Abeda, and they said they were looking for a replacement for a Carlos Monsea tour. Oh, cool. And right there, I go, wait a second. It took me a year of focusing to get this. Whether I applied for it or not, whether I was lucky or not. Luck is when, what's luck?

When whatever meets opportunity or something like that? Right. Meets opportunity. Right. At that time, I was fucking into it, brother. I was fucking, I was involved in. I was writing every night. I was fucking doing blow. I was partying. I was a comedian. I had a day job. I was fucking doing it at night. You know, I was going out there five nights a week.

I was going to hell gigs and going, what the fuck am I doing here? Did you have a talk with yourself or like, how did you decide to start working like this? I realized what it took to get to the level I wanted to be in. I went to the New York Comedy Club one night, and I just saw some comic. And I was talking to another comedian. Afterward, he came over to say hello to the one comedian. And I complimented the guy. I wish I knew what the guy's name was.

And I asked him, how long he had been doing comedy. And he said, like, 13 years. Jeez. And I said, did I ever see you on Letterman? And he was like, no, I haven't been on any of those. I did like a five-minute spot on VH-1 at the time. Remember, this is 1990 fucking. And he goes, I did something else.

I live in New York. I go, would you consider moving to Hawaii? He goes, no, I do something in New York. I have a wife and a kid. He was great. In my world, at that time, he was really, really good. And there was other good comics there, but he was very nice and spoke to me. And I asked him where he started, and he told me, I forget where.

And I go in the beginning, how many times a week were you going up? And he goes, every night. And he goes, I moved to New York after five year. and I went up every fucking night. Right there I knew, okay, so I got to figure something out because I got to go on stage every night. Every night. Every night.

So I got to figure something to do in the daytime. Like, my job has to be something. I got to balance this out. So I had to form a plan of attack, is what I'm saying. Right. Once you know the strategy, once I knew the strategy, the strategy was going on every night and getting on stage. That's it.

There's no other members. magic for two years, I thought there was. I thought that you just got on stage. Whenever. No, I thought when you got on stage, it just flowed. Oh. Because you're that good. But it all changes when you go up and there's lights and there's people and they're drinking and there's a waitress and there's like, you know, you follow me?

These are the things in your demented mind that you don't account for. You think that it's like you at a party. when you go off on a movie or a review of your own movie or a record or something on a rant and you think it's like that and people come up to you after you do a rant of the party and go you should be a comedian and you're like, I'm thinking about it

and all of a sudden you get on stage and try that little fucking rant it's not funny anymore, cocksucker and that's your A material so now what bitch now what, cocksucker so what does it feel like

Have you seen people do that? Like, their best stuff and just bombs? Lived it, bitch. And then you just die. Lived it. Long debt. Walk out of there, make believe you don't know what's going on. Pay for your food.

Don't even eat it? I got to go. Don't you want your lobster to tell them. No, I don't want to eat here again. I just bombed here. I don't want to sit here with you fucking mooks. You're going to sit somewhere after you bombed and do what. I don't know.

But that's four or three years of that. That's three or four years of going out. and battened 50% in hellrooms. Right. But something makes you keep going, because for every 10 hellrooms you do, you get some sort of break at the end. You get somebody who says,

do you want to ride to Wyoming this weekend? And when you're starting out, if I come to you right now and you go, Joey, do you want to go to River to Wyoming this weekend? I tell you to go fuck your mother ten times. But when you're starting out, if somebody comes to and goes, hey, you want to go to River to Wyoming

and host it's $75 a cent we'll drive you and drive you back and feed you you're like fuck yeah i'm gonna do my craft and the old and i was just thinking about how like if you lived at your parents house it would be great for comedians like you said if you're gonna be out on the road most of the time and just have if you have to have a weekend off i'm talking about minimizing your monthly fucking out of pocket right i'm not talking mooching off your parents i'm not talking living on your parents' fucking couch and eating their food and not getting a job. I'm talking about looking at your parents

and the eye and going, listen, man, I'm going to take over the downstairs, I'm going to come in the back entrance, I'm going to park on the street, I won't eat your food, I'll do my own laundry, I'll chip in for groceries, I'll chip in for whatever.

And you stay downstairs and you're a fucking gentleman. You know, I'm talking about those guys. Those guys do exist. Those families do exist where they'll say, We'd love to have you here. And what are you got to do? Take the garbage out, shovel, and mow the fucking grass.

That's it. Yeah. I put up a little fucking earbeat from time to time from people who love you. I'm just not sure if I had, if I've done that, if I would have ever come out here. So that's why I like leaving. Because I could have seen myself being at home, being around friends eating the food I like. A job opens up at a local. Boston Station. That's not for everybody.

I'm just saying that you have the opportunity. Oh, I'm just saying that's what... If you have the opportunity, if your parents still have the same home you grew up in, and, you know, you had a brother and a sister, and they got three fucking rooms now that just sit there. Your dad's retired. Your mom goes to bingo. Your dad goes to a fucking

barbershop one day. You know, you got nothing going on. You got a divorce. You know, I read that book. that things my dad says, shit my dad says. Yeah. You know, and that's how it starts. That he went back home after a divorce, after a breakup. I always feel that if something's going on in your life

and you can't figure it out or whatever, you go home. You go home, and because the home is where you get your compass aligned, does that make sense? Oh, yeah. Everything comes to focus when you go home sometimes. You see why you're at. acted that way or why she acted that way. When I got divorced, that's the first place I knew I went.

I had all that luggage from the divorce and from 85 and I went home for nine months. I got a job in a deli. I got 20 fucking jobs, but I got into comedy. And I'm not going to lie to you, I wasn't doing comedy as much as I should have at that time. I was bullshit myself. I was dicking around. You know, I was trying to go around it and try to be funny, joining contest and bombing and running out of there. It was horrible.

It was fucking horrible what I was doing. But I was doing what I had been doing with my life. I wasn't attacking the situation. I was going through everything. You know, I wasn't claiming responsibility for anything. Comedy made it all make sense now. If I wanted to get to that level, that's what I had to do. That was it.

There was no getting around that. Yeah, you could walk into, you could walk into Dangerfield and Jay Leno, walks in and he may give you a spawning at the night show but you can't bank on that you know there's so many ips but i knew at that point that if i went back to boulder i had if i wanted to do what i wanted to do in my life i had to dive into comedy at first and from that november of 93 lee and i'm not kidding you to that june of 95 i squeezed out 16 to 20 spots a month.

And I drove, brother. This wasn't like me going to the ha-ha or me going to the comedy store or me going to the Laugh Factory or the improv where they had valet parking and, you know, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is, you know, I would go from Boulder to where the Denver Broncos training is

where they do spring training, whatever the fuck they do. I think really, Greeley smells like fucking 10 lizards assholes. They do something there. It's a meatpacking or something. But that's what the Broncos playing. That was Thursday nights.

That's an hour from my house just to get on stage. For how long? I wouldn't get home until 1.130 on a fucking Thursday night. How long was your set? 10 minutes, 7 minutes, 8 minutes. So two hours were on trip. That's creepy. That was my Thursday.

Wednesday was a club There was a couple places There was club 52 That was just like a dance hall That served food And they had like a stage in the floor

With a light in the middle And you gotta go up there And people were embarrassed and shit That was Wednesday Tuesday was an eldest impersonator With a wig That we spoke about on the show before Monday was an Australian bar in Boulder

The Outback or something Wait What did you do with the Elfus guy? He was like that he sang and shit And you went in between him and did 10 minutes You have no fucking idea, my friend Thursdays also If I didn't go to Greeley

I drove all the way to John Elwayville I forget the name of that All the way down You're fucking an hour from Boulder Hour 15 from Boulder There was an El Torito And El Torito in those days If you went on stage

they gave you a free dinner and a $25 gift certificate for the next time. And we could just stack up those gifts certificates Who do you think you're dealing with? Lisa, I would be there every Thursday for my free dinner. Let me guess what your Christmas gifts were.

No, no, no. I ate every one of those meals, Lisa. Even if I had to borrow five for guests to drive out there, I ate all those fucking meals. That's how broke I was in those days. There's nice, I would go, you know what? I got to drive out there to do a spot anyway.

I'll stop at L. Toritos with a free coupon. They were, hey, Joey, what's up? None. Dog, I brought a coupon. That's okay. You bring tip money? Fuck you. I brought eight bucks for you.

I gave him eight, ten bucks. They'll give you a free fucking margarita or something. In those days, when a bartender gave you a free margarita, it was like, you know, just a beautiful goddamn thing, you know? Yeah, with the plate of nachos or something. Oh, my God. Yeah. It was just too much.

So you just learn how to, I don't know, when you commit to something, you really learn by you committing, it's like the universe gives you little presence along the way to keep you alive. So do you think you would be doing those gigs if you had been living at home, if you had a solid place in Jersey? I just thought for me. I thought for me and my situation, which I'm lying to myself because I would have been.

taking the money I saved and put it up my fucking nose anyway. I would lift the house on fire. I would sold the air conditioning the windows. You know, I became a fucking scoundrel. But I'm just saying for a guy like me and a lot of other guys, I think that sometimes people need a little help. You could live in a basement and get a job and sock away money for a year or two. And, you know, just play it safe.

it's a lot better opportunity for you than you going out like a guy like you you went out into the world with this debt and there was no time to fuck around they want their money every month like the mafia yeah they want that money after three months they seize your bank accounts they just take the 60 out of your bank account with a closing fee plus what you owe i'm paying like 260 a month oh yeah no no but if you fucking oh wow yeah two 60 they hit you hard yeah they don't they don't fuck around paula told me that for law school loans, it's $2,000 a month. Can you

believe that? They have to start out making enough to pay $2,000 a month. Well, yeah, well, they start out at $65,75, so $2,000 a month is $24,000. They make money. They just, the first $24 goes to that,

and that's for how many years? $100,000. Oh, $100,000. Jesus. Well, yeah, we're paying $100,000 off a year, I guess. Yeah, we've got to get Paul off and run. We've got to get a couple of Mexicans

slipping down by Langers, down by that Jew deli down there. But they have a cool program where like she can work and then they'll pay the loans for a year until she can get like a real lawyer job. Wait,

they do that on the kindness of their heart. Yeah. That costs a Vig, you know. They're still going to charge you two points a month. Oh, yeah, of course. The student loans never go away. I'm going to talk to you people real quick about something. I don't know none about nothing.

You know, I know how to fucking eat. I know how to order at a restaurant. I know a lot of things that have nothing to do in life. I don't really know about wine. But I know that I've been getting a lot of emails about this club W. And that's, you know, when you, when somebody contacts you on and they say, do you like our package, you like the sponsors, you do it on a weekly. You go, you know what?

Let me get a couple weeks of this. and there's usually people who always respond to you and say blah blah blah and I think about a story I heard one time this guy was working as a buyer he was telling me for Disney when I did the longest not the longest shot spider man too this guy was telling me that he started off as a buyer for Disney and we used to talk every day he was on the set of Spider-Man too I was on there for a few days and he was telling me a story that it was really interesting that they had to do wine parties so when When he first started, he had to do catering. And for a year, they had to do samples.

And that they would do all the wines, and at the most expensive wine, they would do a taste test. The most expensive wines never were the ones the people picked. Right. It was always the lowest price, one of the medium-range one. Well, just no one knows anything. How can you know? Like, I was a server, and they had a class for, like, four hours one day. and I was supposed to make

like actual recommendations and I was just like red meat gets red wine and fish gets white and I would just make stuff up but what's cool about ClubW is they have people that actually know what they're doing and they made a

questionnaire and you fill out what you like about certain wines and what you don't like and then they recommend certain wines for you so I got three wines and that's one of them And it's really cool. They send you a card with, like, a cool recipe to make with it.

So that was a red wine and it has, like, nachos. And then it tells you, like, what... It actually, like, tells you what you're, like, supposed to taste, I guess. So you could seem smart. You know, some people got a headache after they drink wine. Like, I did when I was... Really? When I was 17, me and Louis Castellito...

Oh, man. ...the-shavene across the street from Hudson County Park. And I took a gallon of that I... Martini and Rossi. Oh no. Whatever that fucking purple shit was And we drank it and we got hammered I got the worst headache in my life

But anyway, for me It's shopping that causes the real headache So many choices, so much to learn And so expensive with no guarantee You'll even like what you buy You know, so You know, it's just tough Picking a great bottle of wine

Yeah After I remember that story That he told me that's why I liked the club W You know And this is what I'm trying to tell you people there's a new wine club it's club w they've changed a game completely it's easy you go to club w.com and you answer six simple questions that's a that's a question there it's an

allegroredergram that creates a palette profile just for you then they send wine directly to your door listen and it's immediate it's really good directly to your door perfectly customized to match your taste club w is deleting grape to glass again grape to glass one revolution. They work directly with the vineyards to cut out the middlemen which saves you money. That's it. So at Club W, you get the best wine customized to your taste for a third of what you're going to pay at the store. They even have 100% no risk guarantee that you'll love what they send you, okay? So I'll tell you what we're doing here as the church. Right now for Club W, I'm offering 50% off your first order when you go to Club W slash Joey. That's it. Right

now go to club w and i'm offering my listeners 50% off when you go to club w. dot com slash joey stop messing around stop losing money at retail stores and start drinking the wine you know you're going to love just go to clubbw.com slash joey and get 50%

off your first order right that's it club w.com slash joey all right thanksgiving's coming up and that's it's a great deal for thanksgiving or anything give it. Look at these cards they send you. Yeah. You know? They can sound like you're smart. Oh my God. The Killum Casual 2014 went. Backyard

barbecue. How to serve it. Room temperature, grapes. Cabinet Savignon Origin. Paso Reblos California. It smells like strawberry rhubarb, plum, dry air. This is tremendous. I'm called by volume. 14%. Okay. And then they send you

what you would eat with this. Game day nachos. Total time, 15 minute. Serve six. This is beautiful. You can't lose at this, all right? So go to Club W. Listen, you're eating like a king, you're drinking wine, you got to take care of yourself.

That's where Honor comes in. Go to Honour. Look at the great line of supplements. I told you, we got the kettlebells in the mail. It's over. I got a 60 pound and a 70 pound. I picked it up. I blew a fart.

That 70 pound was so heavy. I thought it was picking up like a 45 pound. It's a different game, boys. It's amazing. You would think people would pick up 75, but they're heavy. Who do you think's carrying that tomorrow? Who? You're picking me up tomorrow, so you've got to help me carry it to the phone.

You're picking me up over the Uber home now. No, you've got to carry me. You've got to help me carry. Anyway, what? I'm not going to finish the end. Go on the star? No. All right.

Go to audit.com right now. Press church. That's right. And get 10% off your first daughter. It gets delivered right to your house, whether it's the, uh, the, uh, Alpha brain. The new mood, the shroom tech. My favorite, the hemp

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Hitty Sigs, the baddest motherfuckers out there, guaranteed. 1,200 pups per cigar. What? My dad had a very important point about that's right. Say it. The deal is 5 for 50 when he used to covert Joey's church. But that's half off.

It's a really good deal. It's not, it's like, it sounds expensive if you're seeing $50, but that each, when we, the deal used to be, you would get for 20 bucks. Like, they were 20 bucks each. Okay. So you're saving. So it's 5 for 50 and you get 50% off. So they used to be 20 apiece. So I don't know.

I didn't know this. You've been pointing out. Yeah, I remember my dad called me. He was like, hey. He told me too, and I forgot. I forgot what he told me. I was stoned. You know how that goes.

So go to Hitties Sig right now. Longer-lasting, best flavor, fucking 1,200 guaranteed puffs out of each cigar. All right. Go to Hittyss.com and press in. Joey's Church. Boo-ya! And get five for 50,

5 for 50, 50% off of what you usually get. Also nailed in life. Some of my favorite people in the world, whether it's edibles, whether it's blow torches, the fucking smoke your dabs. These guys. are the fucking kings.

All right, they know it all. These motherfuckers got the best vapor pen in the market. They keep adjusting it, keep making it better, better, better, and better. So go to NailveditLive.com. If you like the vapor pen, they'll give you 20% off. Boom, from 50 to 40. Just testing your mathematical stills with six stars. Do you eat six or just five?

Five. Let's eat six. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's eat six. You ate five. No, that's good. Let's eat one more. No, no.

What the fuck? I'm not having six. 750 and trying to get home and like survive the night. Me a bag of shells. You can do it standing on your head, my friend. Anyway, go to Nail theLife.com for those Goombs or Manos for the best vapor pen, 20% off. Joe Deer's.

Go to Nail the Life and press in. Joey Dias. And that's how we do it, motherfucker. Nail the Life, I want to thank Hittie Siggs. I want to thank Honor. I want to thank my People Club W. I want to thank somebody else. I just keep forgetting.

Anyway, did I give a shout-outs tonight? No, I didn't. See what I'm saying? You're fucking joking. I want to thank Jesse Wright for finally coming to the show and meet me. My man, Clayton King, there were these beautiful African couple that were beautiful people. They gave me a card, and I couldn't find it today, but they were beautiful. They said to say hello to Lee. Sal C.D. Sir Mama, Grillo's Pickles, sent me some pickles.

Oh, I've never tried them. I got some at the house for you. So I got to give you those tomorrow. Steve Hammer to you, you know, made a good point. He sent me an email with. and he goes down on the periscope. I called everybody family, and we are family. We got each other.

We're not a fan. We're nothing like that. We're fucking family. That's why we have a good time. So I want to thank Steve Hamley. Dakota Watts. I think that's the name Dakota Watts. Something I don't fucking know.

Mike Mio, happy birthday, Coxucker, and Swade Bailey. Keep it together. You got a nice family. Everybody loves you. Thanks for keeping it together. I was laughing earlier. because someone tweeted me and said that I'm getting too high and he can't listen anymore.

I should reevaluate my life. And it was during, like, right after we took the last star and my head was, like, exploding. You should reevaluate it. You're a smart kid. You're hanging out with a fat felon. Doing nothing. Fucking podcast. Like a fucking move.

You can be running a radio station right now. disease. That's not so boring. What? This is so exciting sitting here on a Monday with three cameras, like four assholes. The fucking edibles and this. Cracking stupid jokes talking about shit that don't matter. What do you want to do with your life? It would be great to do this forever. Yeah. I did it. Oh, I love all this shit. I'm just teasing. Don't forget next week, Portland, Oregon, and the week after,

stress factory in motherfucking New Jersey. People who I set up the podcast studio for, their daughters are, their podcast is launching today. So I'll get it. I'll get it when it comes out, but I'll tweet it tomorrow. You're beautiful, man. That's pretty cool. All right, let's close this up. All right.

We already got enough problems. Are you going to be anywhere? I just said it. Portland, Oregon, Helium Comedy Club, October, November 5th to the 7th. In the following week, I'm at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey, from the 12th to the whatever the fucking is the 14th while we're youngly please excuse me this show is brought to you by club w thank god clubbw is the best new way to buy wine they've changed everything about the whole buying process go to clubbw.com and

answer six simple questions and their algorithm creates a palette profile just for you just go to clubbw dot com which is offering you 50% off your first order and go to clubw.com slash joey that's clubw.com.com. Go to on it.com and use co-word church to get 10% off. Your order of all the great optimization products like Alphbrain and New Mood. Go to hit e-sigs, better tasting, longer lasting. And go to nail the life.com for the premier favorite pen on the market.