The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #330 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: November 3, 2015

  Ralphie May, Comedian seen on Last Comic Standing and is performing at Club Nokia in Los Angeles November 6, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 11/02/2015.
   Music:  I Can't Go For That - Hall and Oates I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

You're looking handsome like a motherfucker. You got it sometimes. Let's do it. This show is brought to you by ClubW. Clubbw is the brand new wine club that's changed everything. You just go to Clubbw.com and answer six simple questions, and their algorithm creates a palette profile just for you, and they send their wine directly to your door, perfectly customized to match your taste.

ClubW is offering our listeners 50% off of your first order when you go to ClubW.com slash Joey. So stop wasting time and money and messing around at retail stores and start drinking wine you know you're going to love. Just go to clubw.com to get 50% off of your first order. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products. Go to hitesig's.com and use code word Joey's church to get five hit e6 for $50. Hit E6, better tasting, longer lasting.

The proof is in the vape. And go to NailedItLife.com and use code word Joey Diaz to get 20% off. off of the premier vapor pen on the market. And if you live in California, they're also the makers of those Gumi Cermanos. Oh shit. All Souls Day. Light the candles.

It's the church coming at you, you bad motherfuckers. What? November 2nd, 2015. The day the devil was buried in the sea. Foked in the ass. Poked in the eyes. And he got stuck in a fucking sign on the five.

I fuck it Oh yeah Monday night Motherfuckers What Little sup for Philadelphia Locally fucking grown All the notes

Black dudes dressed up Like white motherfuckers Nothing but soul these motherfuckers Still out there Kick that motherfucker lead Go eat Gino's Pats got eight No louder than this

Kick that motherfucker Lee what There's a jam. Kick this league. Suck my dick. I can't go for that. No. Suck my dick.

I can't go for that. Can't go for that. Can't go for that. Can't go for that. Twine says nice. What? The fucking church, cock suckers. What's going on, baby boy?

Holy shit. That was great jam. That's the way to do it, man. That's the way you started off. That still fucking holds up, man. That's such a... He's 33 years old. I was a senior in high school,

and when you heard that fucking, and they used to play that first, then they'd follow that with the... Dun, dun, da-dun-dun-dun, dun-d-dun-dun-dun-dun-tah. You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. Are you fucking kidding me, Lee? You were an itch in Dick Syatt's pants,

you shit. My dad loves it when he mentioned him, by the way. He called me today. He said on Joey's first periscope He said hello to my friend Dick Siyadh That's my dog, Dickie Siyat Down there in Fort Lauderdale Oh he's in Lottadoale

Holding on. Eating 50 milligram stars like that fucking like He's running shit down there I love it man I love when I see I don't have parents So I love when I see People's parents

That have taken the stick out of their asses Right. Right. You know, there's some parents that they still stick the same. There's some parents that might not look at, you know, my friend loops. He's 50. He's missing a tooth. He lives in the house.

We all know he's been doing blow. I mean, the cat's out of the back. You know what I'm saying? Like, they get to a point with your family where you'll just, it's over. He's only got one nostril. Everybody knows what's going on. Everybody knows everybody's secrets. And you deal with it.

But some parents, when I see Lee with how he is with his dad, I really enjoy that. I miss it, man. I miss a relationship with my dad. I miss my relationship. You know, really, my mom's so, they all have me so late in life that I just didn't get enough as adult time with them.

How old were you wrong with you? She had me. She was 39. So I told. Yeah, especially in the 70s. I mean, you know, she almost died. She was on bed rest seven months. I guess that's why I'm so lazy.

Bed rest seven months. Yeah, seven months. It's like, don't give me no shit about sleeping eight hours, but... I went to fucking church yesterday, the Twilight, whatever, fucked me up. The Vespers? No, the time change. Oh, yeah. And I knew it.

I was with Steve Simone Saturday. I went to Jiu-Simon Saturday. I met Steve Simone for coughing. He's Johnny Catholic. And we were talking about All Saints and All Souls Day. And I go, you know what, man? November's that type of month that you go to church, especially for me. You know, I go to church in November.

It's the month. My mom died. It's all souls. Let me go get it out of the way. I make an appearance of church maybe three times a year. So I got up, I smoked a bone, I had a little break. No, I didn't even eat breakfast. I went old school with an empty stomach just to really pay for my sins.

And I fucking drove down there and I walked in. You know what? I kept telling myself five more minutes. Five more minutes. I'm only going to stay for five more minutes. Do you like church when you were a kid or no? There's no child that likes church as a fucking kid. Yeah, Lee.

Okay, there's no fucking, everybody. Yeah. It's the worst thing for a five. Listen, I'm sitting there. You had to go to catechism, right? You have to go to catechism? Oh, fuck yeah. I just had confirmation.

Weird methods. I got the easiest one, all of y'all. That Jew shit's the toughest. But that catechism ain't far off, man. I did the whole fucking thing, but I sat there, and I kept saying five minutes, and it always the church sucks me in. Yeah, right. Me too.

It sucks me in because I'm such a church geek. Like, I was a church geek. But when I'm sitting there, right away, I'm there two minutes, and right away I see. dirty white chick with an eight-month-old baby with a guy that he didn't comb his hair either. He's got flip-flops on there, sitting there, I'm looking at him in the house

of the Lord. And then I see why you don't bring a child to church because I could see it was her idea. Yeah, but it's also, that's why they got Sunday school. It's just glorified baby and it's family. You know what? A kid starts fidgeting at eight minutes. And then it's back and forth.

And then somebody has to walk out. That guy, I could have stayed home with the kid and wants a football game. He don't need that. Right. You know, and the kid is happy. He's happy. He's playing. The kid's not walking.

You know, so you put him in a playpen and watch your fucking game in peace. And you follow me? Where my wife goes, they have the thing downstairs. You sit upstairs with the kid for 10 minutes and then they tell you, take your child downstairs. And you take them down the daycare and they play with him. And my wife goes, and I usually, let me tell you how fucking untrusting I am. I used to go downstairs just to let these motherfuckers know, don't fuck with them. this kid. I used to sit. My wife goes

you go, you've been sitting here the whole time, the whole time. What do you do? I watch a play with the other kids. Right. That's what you do as a fucking parent. I'm about just hand her off like these savages. I know. They hand her up. They're finger banging your kid. Oh, Christ. And you're going to pick it back up an hour later. You never fucking know. Guys,

you never know. A dear dear friend that I grew up with, I went back to Jersey. We were having a drink one day. We weren't even having a drink. It was in New Brunswick. Okay. And across the street at the hotel there. We went back there. And him and I were talking. He goes, listen, I'm going to tell you something as your friend because I found that something.

Nine years after my child was born, don't trust nobody with your kid. Not even me. And he goes, I love you like a brother. Not even me. Don't ever trust nobody with your fucking kid. And there's no fucking problems. There's no problems. That's it.

That's it. There's no fucking problems. You know, I always try to watch that. I just, you know, I don't want a child. I know what it's like when you get your spirit broken. Yeah, right. Yesterday I yelled at it for the first time in three years. Oh.

Yeah. That was hard on it. It was hard on me. Yeah. My wife said it shocked the central nervous system because she's the disciplinarian. Right. And she gets away with shit with me. But I got, like I was telling Lee.

Lately I feel like a guy with a nice suit and no unpolished shoes. You ever walk on the street, you see a guy with a fucking great suit on, but his shoes ain't polished. Or tennis shoes? And this guy left the house. You're like, it's gross. Just when they don't shine their shoes. Right. And that's what I've been doing lately.

You know, like, it's like not that I haven't been shining my shoes because I have a lot going on. You slip in different avenues. You know, so much going on. And people think, like, well, let's do this. So when can't, there's nothing. I can't keep together what I got now. I can't, I can't write a book, write material, do a podcast,

think of ideas for the podcast, book a podcast, go on the road, take care of a child, talk to a wife. You got to talk to your fucking wife from time to time. And after conversation, I do that at 6 in the fucking morning. Are you in my fucking head? Is this podcast really happening or is it my fucking head? Dude, this is my life right now. And you're absolutely right.

This is your life. And people want more and more. You know, like I'm going to Jersey next year. I'm already getting emails. Can we do lunch? No. No. I'm not doing nothing with nobody.

I don't want to see no body. I'll see you at the show. 10 minutes. Give me a hug. Because, you know, it's just you have no idea. You know, when you write, how much time you need to write? You need two hours. At least the day.

So I got to get up a fucking five to write before the baby gets up at seven. You know, and no wife, you know, hopefully she don't wake up until 6.30. I got now when I have. She comes out some months. She's like, you didn't turn the TV on. I don't want the TV on. I don't want nothing out. I just want to fucking smoke dope and see what's coming out of this motherfucker.

Yeah. If you sleep those eight hours, your mind process. It's like a child. You mind props. Sometimes I wake up and I can't write at night. No, I got a next time. I try. I try to be fucking Hart to fucking Feinberg at night and try to write jokes.

I can't write at night. I try. I'll sit there with a notebook. and can't ride at night. But when I get up at 6, boy, once I fucking clean that little box, and I get that first coffee in me, and I get a little bit of coffee in me, I get my head caught up at me,

I go outside, I hit that first pipe. It's like a fucking sift of creativity. It comes out of your head. Was it that way during school? Because when I was in school, I couldn't start any homework until 10 o'clock at night. I just wouldn't, earlier in the day, I couldn't do it right. So I'm just interested.

I wonder if like a lot of some comedians do write at night. I'm sure. Oh, yeah. I have tons of friends. I can go home and put a pot of coffee up. You know, Eddie Griffin said he used to do his best writing when the comedy store closed. So were you, like that at school? Would you work early at school, too, or no? No, I'm the type of guy I want to get it overboard. Yeah. I get homework, let's get it over.

Yeah, right. I don't want this fucking thing lingering over me. Exactly. And you know what's crazy? I learned that from watching Sanford and the Sun. I learned that from what, Sample and Sun. You got something to do it and get it over. Do it and get it over. And, you know, when I left Catholic school, we were talking about this last week,

that first year, my mom told me you got two options. You got two options. The options are I can handwalk you through this, and it's not going to be fun for you, or I can just put all the trust in the world in you. You get up on your own, you do your own laundry. You get up in the morning, I'm not going to make your breakfast. That ship sailed.

There's cereal, there's eggs. You can make them yourself, or there's a 20. On the way, the school, stop at the spict of the store and tell Henry to make your butter toast on roll. That was it. That was it. Give me the heart attack. Yeah, which I fucking love those things.

That was a good sandwiches, Jack. What's a heart attack? It's his neighborhood. Egg cheese on a fucking Kaiser roll with the fucking can of Coke at 6th the morning. Oh, yeah. But like, it's either sausage or bacon or something. They put on that way. No, no, I don't deal with that.

No, no. That's what I got. And I was like, Jesus, you're right. He goes, listen, we want two heart attacks. He's going all the way. I just want to bypass. I took Ralphie Mae is one of the few people

that came to North Bergen one time. He really did come to North Bergen. And I took him to headquarters. I didn't fuck around with him. I took him right to headquarters to Hashways. Fuck yeah. And I got to tell you something, man. The older one died, Gary died,

and Glenn's around and whatever. And I got to tell you something. I talked to... Boy, his mama could make some rice pudding, didn't she, man? I talked to his... That's hashways. I talked to this kid that's a radio. What the fuck is his name?

And we were talking back and forth. He's up in Sacramento doing radio. His name is Billy Horenda. He does sports radio up there. He's pretty big in Sacramento. He's from North Bergen. And we talk from time to time online. And the other day, we just happened to talk.

And he said that he went home for something. And he went by Ashways. And he couldn't believe it was closed. You know, when your childhood deli closes, you know, put my mic a little hotter. And he was saying how, that's never going to happen again. and you were only a few people I took leave but it was at the end he didn't have roast beef that day

and I went off You were pissed I was pissed Because that was Gary Gary and rest in peace Gary You know Yeah man I don't mean to talk about you You're a fucking moron

But rest in peace I liked you For the time being With a complimentary pickle I forgot Always a good fucking pickle A hard one of them crunchy ones Fucking good pickle

It's amazing that that deli is gone That I'll never eat there again Never like that That taste That roast beef on rye with salt and pepper. But that fresh bread they got, man. They used to have a

fresh bread twice a day. They used to have a Portuguese roll for bread for breakfast. That's what I turned you on to. That was what it was. It was an egg with cheese with ham or bacon on a Portuguese row.

Jesus. Fucking strong, man. Leave the fucking yoke in and put butters. When you break into it, the yoke would break and it mixed with the butter and it drips down your face.

You have no fucking idea, my friend. That's a heart attack on a fucking bun right there. What's Portuguese roll? Portuguese roll is like a fucking circular role they have in Jersey. Are they sweet or no, no, no.

It's like French bread, but circular. It's round. They used to call old human bread. It's crutch when you touch it. Oh, like, boy, you know, what does Paul call that? I don't know. Boy, no, no, no. That's Mexican shit out here.

This is East Coast, fucking, this is East Coast, old school, old school, Portuguese roll. I'm fucking believable, but it's still done with the seated roll. It still works with a Kaiser Roll. That's the home of it. That's what I'm used to. That's the Kaiser roll with a you who for breakfast? I can pull two of those motherfuckers down.

Two of those fucking savage and nobody does that. You know what? It's a price leader. If you have a breakfast place, what's it cost for a row? 12 cents? What's it cost for an egg? Seven cents? Right.

What's a piece of cheese? That's $2.99 with a cup of coffee. Yeah, they're making money. That's all fucking profit. That's all fucking profit. People have refused to make a fret. And there's places on the East Coast that you go that you already have the egg sandwich made in aluminum foil.

Then they have butter rolls. A fucking butter roll in the winter when you get up, that's as comfort as can be. And they put an extra layer of butter on that butter roll to get right to your ventricles and your heart and squeeze those motherfuckers. I forgot all about that. We used to have, like, juniors and seniors in my high school

could leave campus. And there was this, like, convenience store, like a mile from where I grew up. And I had never been in there. I forget the name of it now. But I went in, and they had right on the counter like a little heated, like mini, fridge sort of things.

but it was heated and had just trays of breakfast sandwiches. So we had like first or second period off. We'd go there every day. I don't eat breakfast sandwiches at 7-11 or nothing like that. No. I'm not 7-11. This is like a special. Like,

people would come from miles. And now when you're in North Burger, I have a place called six corners. Is it good? Oh, it's five corners, six corners. It's down on 40,

wherever the fuck that is. Okay. So Hatchways was on J.FK Boulevard. Right. JFK Boulevard. So you stand JFK Boulevard. So you stand JFK Boulevard all the way to 43rd Street. You're at a light with a cemetery and a fucking funeral.

The cemetery on the hill, right? Right. But it's not for Fuso's place, right? No, it's down Moore. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you hook that fucking right, you go all the way down that hill and you go to... Like, kind of like you're going to cliffside or something? No, no, no, the other direction.

Oh, okay. The other, so you're going downtown North Bergen. Okay. So you're going down. It's hard to explain. You've got to go down the hill, then cut. And it's a place. It's called six corners

Because there were six corners Wow It's the weirdest thing There's the bank corner The back corner The corner across the street The street The one by the bank is four

Five six Yeah six corners And it's a circle It meets there And it was never there When I was growing up It's just there But it's now

To fill that boy Yeah they've taken They're taking a Hatchway's business I mean That Mama Hashway Coming in And every day Making that rice pudding

Coco Was you were like Hey I'm in Manhattan He goes I'm staying North Burger, the food's better. I'm like, come on, this is Manhattan. He goes, trust me.

Rice pudding. I'll be there in 20 minutes. I'll be there in 20 minutes. That's how it went down. With cream and cinnamon on top. You have no idea. Just jump on the tunnel. First exit, JFK Boulevard like a doctor.

You're rolling. And Hashways was right there on your right. You couldn't miss it. It was so good, man. I would open up business model after Hashways and keep it that simple. Before the, their biggest mistake is they got greedy like anybody else does America and they weren't prepared for the greed. You know, and they weren't prepared for a thing

called cocaine either. Cochane, greed, and a liquor store. So they bought the liquor store next door and they were never really ready for that. When they just had the deli with sandwiches and whatever, I used to watch Mr. Hashway. I'm a fucking thief. I used to watch Mr. Hashway. And Mr. Hashre used to make deposits three times a day. I remember going in there at 1030 and he go, Coco, stock used. When Glenn and Pete Leib, that's who

Glenn was the kid who owned it. Glenn Ashwerey. way the parents, Glenn and Gary were the sons. And when they were in college, I would go in there in high school, I was like a junior, and Mrs. Ashman-S-Cocco, stock up to U-Hus because we're all sold, I mean, U-Hus would sell by 10 o'clock. They'd put 100

U-Hus in that fucking case. But it was all day, Lee. It was all day the teachers. Busy all day, man. The school got so pissed that they told people that you weren't allowed to leave the school for lunch now. Why? Because they wanted the cafeteria to make money. So, if they

They caught you at Hashways. You have to understand. You got to spend it. All the food distribution in North Jersey is handled by a lot of people you don't want no fucking problems with. You know what I mean? All right. So people stay and eat the goddamn food. So they wouldn't let us go to fucking Hashway.

They would suspend you. So you would suspend us. But Mr. Hashwold would go, fuck that. Go in the back. I'm not going to let them go in the back. But if I say, hey, guys, that means run out the back door. So for a year until they moved that law, we would sit in the back of hashways and delete the fucking thing. while the school teachers were in front

looking for in the truant in the whole thing. Fucking hysterical. Man, there was no goddamn good place in my shit town. I got no good stories. You know, we had fried bologna sandwiches. Oh, my God.

You hear that? That's your grandma rolling off. When I went back in 93. Like you said, you're just flipping right in the grave. My God, when I went back in 93, I stayed with my buddy in Seacawks named Mike Ronnie. And down the block from his house was a fucking deli that I'll put it up against anything.

deli ever but their fucking claim to fame was they had peppers stuffed with a mozzarella sauce oh my god with mutsal cheese and a little sauce and I go in there the morning which is the green peppers just a fucking like a pepper and it's a spicy

pepper it was like that peppercini right so you had to get three of them and a sandwich so you can eat the pepper while you're eating a fucking sandwich that type of old school deli you have different types of delis but that was right what a fuck three fat guys got to talk about food four Because we're all stoned and it sounds great.

But it's crazy what today signifies in the Catholic religion and a lot of religions. It's all sold back. I mean, our good friend, George, got arrested Mama's salt. She's passed this year. And, you know, it's hard, man. My uncle Jim passed this year. It's hard. You know, you see people at the end of their life.

That cancer is a miserable, miserable thing, man. I mean, it is a horrible way to pass. You know, I'd rather get slammed into a sign on the five and break that bitch. God forbid. God forbid. But, hey, I'd rather take that than that stuff. You know what I mean? So it was just fun going to church.

It really was. I went by myself with no pressure. I'm my wife and the kid. I didn't walk them there. I just wanted to go because we did that church over. St. Bartholomew. They redid it over. So I just went in there at 715.

I'll tell you what, man. It just brought back a lot of fucking member. Like, that's what happens in church for me now. When I go to church, I look at the 12 stations of the cross, and it's like a fucking assid trip, man. Yeah. I just go back into sections. And I remember I was thinking about my godfather. One of the worst things that I did in my life was fuck my godfather.

After church, I went home and I tried to find them. On Facebook? Nah, he's those fucking Cubans don't go off Facebook. He lives in the Keys. When I was a kid, my God, it's amazing. What has happened? Did you see Mad Max? Yes.

Okay. The question that fucked me in that movie is who killed the world? Oh, yeah. Man. They keep asking, who killed the world? You know what, man? They've killed the fucking world. The world is half dead and we don't even know.

No, it's more than half dead. Trick-a-Treaten this week. I saw Trick-a-Treaten now. There's no kids out of daytime. I mean, these are great areas to trick-a-cheek. I didn't get one. At night, I saw kids, but they're confined. The parents put the fear of God into these kids.

Yeah. You know, Friday night I went to this trunk of treat. You know what, man? Did Mercy have a great time? Fuck, yeah, she had a great time. You know, did I have a great time? Fuck, yeah, watching her and watching the kids and watching my wife. I dressed up.

I put fangs in my mouth, and she kept saying, no thank you, daddy. Which means, take the fucking fangs out of your mouth. No thank you, Daddy. And she would keep tugging my cape. No, thank you, Daddy. It was the cutest fucking thing. I went in there and I had a great time. We got that 530.

The dinner they made us was, you know, not bad. It was a cheeseburger with macaroni sound. It was a barbecue. I enjoyed it. And then I watched her play ball with other kids, and I could tell that we're halfway there. We're okay. We got an okay kid. The ball hit her in the face three times.

She didn't cry. Some little boy dressed up as Captain America got hit once. He wouldn't stop crying. But when the kids left to eat, she didn't want to eat. So she stayed with me. She goes, Daddy, come in, and I started playing ball with her. So when kids came over to play, she was like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. It's me and him now

Ah, and she was going fucking nuts That was the only problem we had all night Everything was great But back to trunk or treat It's like a cars get together It's like a beautiful car show And they back up And they open their trunks

And they hand kids And they sit in front of the trunks with disguises And I tell you what Is it like a low rider club Or hot rides and stuff like that? No, no no It was just all these fucking Studio City people

Oh yeah You know Whatever they are I don't know what was I didn't talk to one I talked to maybe two parents and the principal. Man, you know, I've gone, I've done that same thing with, uh, uh, uh, Mexican car clubs, bro.

They are the nicest that, that they had, they had a whole goat cooking. Okay. I mean, it was the real deal. Old ladies was making tortillas. Okay, they was handing out good candies and stuff like that, having a blast. They had a ban, a salsa ban. It was on, man. I'm telling you.

But this was for kids. This was for fucking kids. Yeah, that's, it was for kids too. There's no fucking salsa ban when there's kids. This is the fucking white kids. Oh, white kids. This is white kids. There's no salsa band.

There's no Beatles. They're barely walking around. You wouldn't hear about white people. So these motherfuckers, I mean, the most interesting thing in the world was, and I looked at my wife at one point, I go, what the fuck is this? I know. Like, I almost have a nervous breakdown. I'm like, what the fuck is this?

This is like Puerto Rican shit. But I go, this is what we have now. The parents. scared the kids and you know let's get together let's put them all together when I was a kid you one parent went out everybody held hands and you fucking knocked down doors and you yelled and

you know Saturday night I didn't see people to 8 o'clock at night. How much pot do I smoke on my balcony at night people tons? I'm standing out there and I was scared to smoke and my kids are going to walk up on me after 30 minutes nobody said nothing every once of a while I'd see three kids and a parent

but the 80 90 kids I used to run with 80 fucking kids on things. Yeah. You ran 80 deep on Thanksgiving. And you keep running into the 20. Yeah, and bundles of 20. I didn't see that. And it's just, and I know,

they found needles and fuck every year. Some fucking dummy in Pittsburgh sticks hypodermic needles and fucking chocolate and all this shit. Man, that's why I, man, I tell all my kids, hey, daddy has to inspect all of your candy.

I need a bite out of all of this shit. That's what I Saturday night. Friday night, dog. I got so high at the trunk of treat. I went home, and she came home with a bag of candy, and I kept sitting there, and I started talking to me like cocaine, like 1130. And you have one recess.

Oh, you're fucked. Then you're fucked. Recis will fucking put you over the leather jacket. If you start with the little ones, the bullseil? That's what I started one. Oh, then you're fucking getting cups out of everywhere, man. Then I went back and got the whole cup. Then I went back and got the Swedish fish.

Oh, those are good. And Swedish fish, that's my worst. That's my world since I've been fucking five. Since I came from Cube, I discovered Swedish fish. The red ones are the multicolored ones? Listen, the red ones. They only come in one color, Swedish fish. That's it. The ones are 7-Eleven in the bag. That's the

only one I eat. All those imitations and skinny worms and shit. Shub those up your mother's ass. I don't eat none of that shit. I'm a Swedish fucking fish fan since day one. When I was a kid, I'd buy him by the box. And I'd get a brown bag and I stick my hand and put them in my pocket.

That's how there was something when I was in your pocket? In a bag, in a brown bag. You get there's a big tray of them. No, I bought the box from the wholesaler. Oh, really? Holy shit. I used to know where to buy the box. Wow.

There was a fucking wholesaler for candy when I was a kid on Tunnelian. And I would go down there, I wouldn't tell nobody. I wouldn't tell nobody. I go down there and I get a box of Swedish fish, and I get a box of a thing called devil gum. What's that? Devil gum, way before fucking these other. Gum thieves thought about Big Red. See, Big Red with, who makes Big Red?

Rigley. See, Wrigley, they bumped Devil Gum. When I was a kid, Devil Gum was cinnamon, but it was hot. Like, if you ate three slices, your asshole was going to be on fire. That's what Mexicans give their kids when they're daycare. We had atomic fireballs. That's how we had. But you also swallowed gum, Joey.

You're not supposed to swallow the gum. That's where your assholes are on fire. My asshole's not. on five because of that. I'm telling you, I've been swallowing gum since day one, so my body knows how to process it now. I just spit out a little fucking gum. See, if you start swallowing gum when you ate, then you're fucked up. I've been swallowing gum since day one. Can some doctor please email Joey Dina's? And do what? What's he going to say them? I've seen to learn how to... Listen, I have pulled the gum out of my ass, so I have

pulled little pieces of gum sometimes that don't get processed. Yeah, out of the hairs. Or sometimes you're going to pull the shit out of it and you can hear the gum going. Oh, God. It's like getting... Oh, jeez. You can hear of gum? It's like getting happy. Let me tell you what.

Have joy when he gets one of them good-ass zits above his asshole to come and pop it like a foot and a half away from you so you hear it. Okay. He did that in my fucking apartment after he drank all my goddamn orange juice. All right. He drank a whole fucking bang of orange juice in 10 minutes. And then proceeded to pop a zip on his asshole? Yes. No, not on his asshole.

in the crack right above it. So to get any pressure behind it, he had to take those big ass fingers. Let me explain something. Go one knuckle deep. I know all the stories. Back in the day, I am ashamed to say, I used to travel by bus to a lot of gigs.

Ray Hound was my sponsor for a long time. The Joey Express. The Joey Express. I would get on that fucking downtown bus to El Paso, and I'd take it from them. The longest bus ride I did was New York City of Dallas. That was the longest because I had nothing going on. I'm going to go to all the way to Kennedy and drop $200.

I'm here right here and I can pay the Express for $48. I looked at just to see, just to get to Boston. It's only like two and a half days for like $100. So I would never, I mean, I'm just saying if I had to. You'll never have to. Man, I travel by bus because I own one. Get a king size bed. Don't do that.

I could never set up. I could never sit like that. But you guys ought to jump on the bus sometime and we do this church at other parts of the country. Yeah. Where's the bus now? The bus will be here tonight. It'll get in tonight from Tennessee.

And then we're here. They're going to be driving around Wednesday and Wednesday. And then we go north to do some gig. I don't know where it has. To be honest with you, I don't look at my calendar. I didn't travel. No fucking fool fire this bus. You guys would kill each other.

You guys would, before you got to the first rest stop. You're retarded. We would hotbox that bus. It would be just, look, bro. Yeah, but then. Look, Lee, shut the fuck up. Okay. Me and Coco have lived in an apartment smaller than this fucking studio.

Okay? And we left our asses off. And when the doors were open and the windows were open because it was so fucking hot and we couldn't hardly go to sleep because it was noisiest shit, we put our Joy McDena. five minutes sleeping time wake up though kicks for Jesus making biscuits

and I had him on the floor or futon okay and John Wesley John Wesley on the floor and Jody Furting on the bed Yeah it was crazy We were in it to win it This was team us

1440 You don't even understand Kill ourselves, we're brothers Are you kidding me Well not literally I'm just saying like You'll put something on the TV that he doesn't want Or he'll start I got five fucking TVs.

You got five TVs on that goddamn bus. Pick what channel you won't. That's cool. I got it. How many bedrooms on the bus? I've got a king-sized back bedroom that pops out, okay? And then the living room pops out. And then there's three bunks.

It's got two bathrooms and a shower on it. and I've got, I think there's like six air conditioners on it. So if we go someplace where it's hot, like I went to Bonaro this summer and everybody, all these dirty white people were out there when it's 100 fucking 20 degrees of dirt. Fuck you. I took three showers a day. I was the sweetest smelling motherfucker out there. People were like, they thought I was for a rale or something.

I was smelling so good. Okay, I was doing it, Jack. It was awesome. Everybody's boo-hoo and it's hot. Yeah, me too. I'm going to go make a fucking margarita in my bus. Take a shower and smoke a bone. Fuck you.

I hate that band. Okay, it was awesome. It was so great. But that's how we got to go, dude. We got to go in the fucking bus. All right? Your babies would go bananas in that bus. Your baby would love that fucking bus.

That little fucking monster. She beat in your... I can't go by that. I just ate an expired viking. What do you think will happen? Who gives them fuck? You get stuck in that gum? You know what happened?

Don't me tell you what happened? They're listening. Yeah, right? I'll tell you what fucking happened? What happened, puppy? A couple weeks ago, I went swimming in Toledo, and I got him the fucking plane the next day. I got an ear infection, right?

Oh, my God. And I was sitting there, and I'll tell you, man, I'm, you know, when you work out and you're heavy, you have to take a leave sometimes or the other one. The other one. Asper? No, no. Tijuana.

No, no, the other one. There's a leave and Advil. Oh, okay. That's all that works right at this point for big guys. When you go to J-Jitsu. Dude, I'm past that. Yeah. And you get slammed.

on your back. When you go home and you eat your lunch, first thing you do is take an ad bill. Especially you have to train the next day. Really? I've never had to do all that shit, Lee, because it lowers the inflammation. You got to eat fucking, like smoking weed. Eat and weed actually takes away the inflammatory from your fucking thing. You see the Google

today? Anybody see the front page of Yahoo today? No. Yahoo today? What did it say? More people turn to medical marijuana. Prescriptions are down. Prescriptions are down. Prescriptions are going down, man. Yeah, the opiates are going down. Like opiates are going down.

Yeah, the benzos are going down. Listen, I'm telling you as your brother, you fucking go and you work out with any problem those savages down there at night and you walk home, you can't move. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. I'll do an experiment with the motherfucker. I will experiment. I will give you an leave one night, and a week later we'll do it again, and I'll give you a chunk of real hash, and you eat that hash.

And you call me tomorrow when you tell me which day makes you feel a, that's a Bruce Lee ate for soreness. Nobody knew why he was eating. eating marijuana 40 years ago. Danny DeSanto said that a Hagan thing. Genius. That's why he was eating marijuana because he knew that a leave will kill you. Yeah.

A leave and Advil will eat your fucking liver. You got to drink gallons of water. You take it a leave? You got to drink fucking water throughout the daytime. That's why I don't take them at night. I take them when I get home from Jiu-Jitsu. Bam, so I'm not or kettlebells. I'm not sore an hour later.

Whatever the fuck I do when you're sore. Sometimes you get sore from flying. Dude, I get wiped the fuck out. Oh, shit, man. First of all, six-hour flight, Lee, you fucking sure, dog. All right, yeah, okay, you fly in your connection. Dallas got bumped, so now you're in fucking Chicago, and you land at B-32, and yours is, next flight is at H-17, and you got 15 fucking minutes,

and Chicago, the fucking terminals are so close together. There's no room for a fucking, for a fucking one of them. them chairs. You can give $20 to a black guy with a golf cart. No, you got to fucking hump it, dude. You got a fucking rock. You got a rock, though. And then you're hungry? You're fucking hungry. You got to rock. There's no eat. But sometimes I take out the one night with my ear infection, I go, you know what? Somebody gave me these two vikins. And he told me when he gave them to them to them, I said, don't give a fuck, give me to them because I know I'll need them one night. It's not like I eat them. That night with the ear infection, I popped that viking. And I got to

tell you something. I got fucked up on that couch dog. I liked it. Man. I fucking smoked the hit and I fucking went to bed. I got up like brand through the next day. My ear hurt a little bit, but it didn't hurt as much as it hurt. He gave me tool and I said the other one fell out of the bag. That was it right there. Oh my God. That was the one I just found that. I thought it fell out of the fucking back. Man, I think I like those pills too much. I don't do them. I don't I don't fuck with none of them no more. I like I like, uh, I like them too much. I like the feeling of when I'm on the road. That's where I like something to sleep.

I have sleeping pills that are prescribed to me. Me too, because I can't sleep. You need sleeping pills with weed? Yeah. I could fall asleep right now. You're not us. When I get up at 5 on the road. You're a titty, baby.

When I get up on Thursday morning, and I got to go do radio. Right. And I get up, and it's six, right? Like, they're picking me up at 7.30. Okay. So I don't want to just get up in 7 or not a rush. I want to get up. I want to relax.

I want to read the paper. I want to eat a good breakfast. I want to write a little bit. I want to slow down. Stretch a little. I'll get up and take a shot and do all that show. What are we talking about? About getting up at time managers.

Yeah, with Haxe. Oh, you still need sleeping. With the fucking thing. Yeah, you fly to, you fly the other side of the fucking country for six, seven hours. Okay, you get in your fucking shit hotel at 1.30 a.m. Those dicks are coming to pick you up at five. They didn't even call ahead and be considering of it. Go, what kind of coffee do you need?

Kind of bringing you some breakfast. I do all that. I do all that on my own. Oh, zone. I do that all my own. So at 7.30 when they get there, I'm prepared. When I get back to that hotel room and I get high, I'll sleep like a baby. Right.

But after two shows, the weed don't work. There's too much energy. There's too much energy. Oh, after the show. So I know for a fact that I'm not going to sleep Saturday night. I know for a fact. Even this week, I'm in Portland. My flight, I got to be at the airport at 5.30.

I get back to Burbank at 8 a.m. Yeah. I'm out. So 530, if I got to be at the airport. point at 5.30, that means I'm lurking at 4.30 in the morning. So I'm prepared for that three hours sleep after the comedy club. So what I do is Saturday mornings, I get up, eat breakfast, I walk around, I get high, do whatever the fuck I do. I get back to that room about 10 o'clock Jack.

And Ralphie does the same, because Ralphie will call me on Saturdays from the road. And I go, what time is it? That free time, that little time, that's it. Once I take that nap after that, it's over, because I'm sleeping straight till three. Yeah, because we're at work. You have to. It's fucking work. You know me.

I don't sleep late. Ever. But Saturdays, I don't do lunches. I don't do nothing because I know I'm going to be lurking all night. I know that I have a chance to fall asleep for three hours. But they're probably not even. And I'm used to it now. Bro, they got a flight.

I'm going to Jersey and I'm still flying into Kennedy Jack. I'm going to New Brunswick because everything is connecting to Jersey now. There's only one direct and that's Virgin. But Virgin. Gets me in at 8th. Virgin will get me in Thursday cool at 2.30. Sunday, I ain't waiting until 1 to fly back to that way. It gets me

back here at 3.30. I can't do it. I can't do it. Hey, man. Look at Southwest. They've got one way. Get two chairs. It's too connecting. No, no, no. Listen, Southwest is good for two hours. After two hours. Your back starts to hurt. No, there's no entertainment. There's nothing.

There's no... No, Selwell gives you free TV. They give you free TV on the wife. I got to bring your own TV. lock in and all that shit. What the fuck? I sit next to a communist. Oh, my God.

Listen, I know. American Airlines, I got 200,000 miles on. I got platinum. Virgin and platinum. Listen, there's no. Southwest is from California. Nevada.

California, L.A.X to Austin. Houston. Two hours. Two, ten, 215 hours of Southwest, you're asking for trouble. whole story started with the pimple

in the ass because of the bus. If you want a pimple in the ass, that's that bad. Fly fucking southwest. So what happened was, I come back on a Monday night from fucking El Paso. I've been sitting on a bus for 12 hours. I must have fell asleep sideways. I was about 3.70

at the time. And the crease of the fat in my ass built the pimple up. Three or four inches from my asshole headed like Northalee. North North... North... North...

My asshole is right here on a cheek on the inside. I got a pimple that stuck out an inch. And it was developing. Like it started with an inch. How did he find it so quickly? How did I find it? I couldn't sit. You couldn't sit.

Every time I went to sit, I'm like, wow, something hurts. And then he pulled the hair out. So I took a fucking mirror. And I took, this is the days when I was flexed. In my apartment? Fuck yeah. I took a mirror. And I had to look at my ass and bend over.

Guys, it was a white head on my ass. Oh, my God. That was throbbing. It hurt so much. And I couldn't take it on when I'm sitting there talking to Ralphie. And I remember that I go, he was telling me a story about something. And I'm sitting and I finally open up my pants from the front. I got no underwear on.

I put my front. No, you didn't even take your pants off. That's when you had the ball pants off. That's when you had the ball pants. I stuck my hand through a whole. Like a fucking yoga position. I had to get to a yoga positionally. And I had to squeeze the pimple.

but turn it. But I had to turn the skin down. So it would go pop. And Lee, you could hear it go, pop. And it was just a yellow ball of pus. And I had to go back in, and I had with my fingernails, I had to take the fucking hair. I took a piece of skin out.

You take stuff out of them? Yeah. You have any grown hair from sitting twisted on a bucket toilet. If you sit down all day, you will have pickles on your ass dramatically. All those fat people that walk around and work in offices, look at their ass the time to time. Oh, my God. It's like strippers.

For some reason, strippers always got a big white head. If you look at the strippers' ass when she's dancing close, look up closely. You always see a little little white head on their cheek. I'm just teased. It's just a joke where he looks at least. Yeah, Lee's going in. It's like, really, it's just for the experience. I didn't know you had to pull stuff out of them.

Well, when it's an ingrown hair like that. When it's an ingrown hair like that on your ass cheek. Yeah. And it was a long hair, too. I saw it made me a little vomit a little bit of my mouth. Totally gross. Terrible. Terrible.

I know. People think that comedy, when you sell those buses for that long, and now, now, you know, you fly so much over the years. And Southwest, I love it. I'm not saying that they're a bad airline, not at all. Southwest is thick, fast, Burbank. I take Southwest, I'm for whatever that thing is, the level that you do. Yeah, yeah, A level.

I love Southwest. I used to hate the way they board, but they poured much quicker. Dude, so much quicker. It works so much better. It works so much better. get the fuck on. Fuck you, get on. Fuck you, get on.

A, 15, 8.30. You get a seat in the aisle. You sit there. You give people dirty looks as they walk by. I had to do the math because I forgot to check in one time and I was like B30 or something, B20. But I did the math. There's like 96 aisle and window seats. So as long as you're in the first 96, you're cool.

You did the math? I got nervous, dude. Man, you are such. That's the Jewish thing you've ever said to me. And you're, you're. I'm a chubby guy. I don't have a time in the million years. Dude.

You've got the flag of Israel right there. And that is the Jewish thing you've ever said that you've counted all the fucking windows. I've got to go. Really? Oh, my God. Dude, here's what I do. Because I'm fat. I got to buy two seats, right?

And I don't mind. That's no big deal. Here's how cool fucking Southwest is, though. If that plane ain't full, they give me one of those seats back for free. for free. And so the next time, so I fly, you know, when I live in Nashville, the two-hour flight, I'm in Boston, two-hour flight, I'm in Chicago, two-hour flight, I'm in Miami, you know, 85% of my workers within two-hour flight. So I go over there southwest. This is how good they are in Nashville? Holy shit. I got there 10 minutes before the plane was supposed to take off,

and they go, Ralphie, we've already got you checked in. The plane is now having mechanical problems and as soon as you get on it'll be fixed okay and they rush this was before the TSA bypass all that bullshit they were like just pat him down get him on the plane and they

wheeled me from an on a one of them go carts because this is how much South West loves you they come they got me to that plane as soon as I stepped on hey the problem solved yay everybody clapped I had my two seats right there waiting for me like a doctor and and those guys

love me, they come out. They're the best. Burbank is cool. Southwest Burbank. They're nice people. That's Orlando Casillo's daughter. Oh, yeah? She works there. She's the front desk manager. Sometimes I get there, what are you? Whatever? If I know she's there, you got clap. One time she took me into the Southwest thing and I was eating food.

Sandwiches from the fucking lunchroom. They had a party. I'm in the party. She goes, you got delayed. So you might as well come with me. And I went into the thing. And they had little sandwiches cut up with potato chips and people from Southwurst were back there eating and she put me right in the thing she goes I come back and get you they're really nice I didn't say they were a bad I know but it's amazing you have a Southwest

it's not that comfortable you know I mean it's again here's the thing it's not that comfortable if the plane is packed and we're a fat fuck right okay my shoulder goes on Southway man me too oh my God I get shoulder pain on Southwest I know you know I made

a mistake I connected one time to save $300 or two papers you know because you always look at to save. Right. Fly. And flying is something that if you're looking to save, you're going to have an uncomfortable journey.

Prepare for it. Go on their website. Spirit of the options. You know, United has a thing where they give you a biggest seat and they give you security clearance. Yeah. For 75 bucks. It's worth every dime.

Yeah. Because that means I'm walking in the first class line. Right. That's worth 75 bucks. And then there's economy. The United offers that. You have to scroll. all the way down.

It's 75 each way. It's worth it. It's worth it. In today's economy, it's worth it. God damn worth it. A couple weeks ago, I was, I was, I was upgrade to first class, and I still didn't almost make the flight because of the security line. Yeah.

This is what's going on out there, people. So if you're flying over the holidays, I'm telling you right now, if they offer a fucking earlier thing, get it. If you have a passport, by the way, and you, what, in your travel a lot, Just go get TSA pre-approved. It takes about five minutes, okay, which utterly scared the living shit out of me that I just show up with my passport and my ID. And they asked me like six questions. Like, do you love America?

Of course. Are you allied with any of the terrorist group against the country? And I go, not only do I fucking hate them fucking cock sucking dirty sons of bitches. Okay, they shot at me. Fuck you. All right. I hate Russians. I'm bona fide.

Jack. Fuck that. And they go, have a nice day, Mr. May. I had to raise my hands, sign piece of paper. Boom. Had it then. And all you do is go up there. You don't have to take anything off.

No, I know. No shoes. They email me. They email me. I showed my wife. Is it true that you have to give them, like, access to your social media or is that bullshit? No, that's bullshit. What are you talking about?

I just hear stuff. I don't know. That's, that's bullshit. shit. But you know what? You know what, though? It would be smart. And let me tell you, every business I'm doing it, I put on the bus a tower, a mobile cell phone tower, a Wi-Fi, rather, the largest one you can get in a mobile unit. And so it's free Wi-Fi at all my shows. All right? But what happens to log in is I get all your information. So next time I'm in the area, I can hit you up and go, hey, I'm here.

all right and that it's that's how I do it I provide it costs me a lot of money to do it but at least I get something in exchange and they get free internet you know what I mean right that's cool it's really cool and that's what you got to do for people but businesses all around are doing that but you know what they do it's not like um on southwest you give them their email and if you got like an iPad or something you can watch real TV and they've got movies on there too all right and you can flip channels and it's real time and that's for free Instead of like, what is it, Boing or something like that. That's like fucking $22.

God damn. And it's shit. You can't work Twitters or nothing. But that's garbage. That's way too fucking much. I mean, like a month. So Southwest gives you free Wi-Fi. Yeah.

But it's what you want to want, I don't get it here. So you just have to, they don't want to pay for screens. So you could bring out your tablet and log. And you just log in. You just sit and accept. And then they have like a whole bunch of TV stations. Yeah. But you can get off.

your Wi-Fi, everything on there, especially if you're A-list, you get everything. You get out of a free. I do not fly JetBlue and all that, too. I do not fly JetBlue. I'm too wide in the ass, and it doesn't, I don't live in a hub of it, but I do live in a hub. Nashville's a hub for Southwest.

And, you know, they've got three directs. I took American here, first class like a doctor. I was out of there at 615 on Saturday, on Halloween. That was the first one in there, on there. America's got a nice flight today. Dude, it's a fantastic flight, man.

They add one during the winter. There's a problem. In the winter, you have to look. They add an extra one on the way back because usually you have to leave early and they have one at night. Yeah, they get nervous about Dallas and Chicago. So they add extra direct to Nashville because Nashville is such a great hub that you can get all to the south and right there from there. That's like their emergency one. Like when Dallas has a ice storm and Chicago's fucked up, they add extra flights to other key cities just so like to Miami so they can be.

bring people up to the East Coast. It's crazy, but that's what they do. They're smart, you know? They get their day. They do it like they do, baby. They do it like they do. A lot of people don't fly. They get me.

Dick Syatt. I'm going to tell you what the best flight. I'm going to tell you what the best ticket is in the business. What's that? Virgin Main Cabin Select. Fucking amen. I'll tell you what. Virgin First Class is bomb, dude.

I'm talking about the main cabin select. Oh, yeah. The one behind. It's fantastic. It's fantastic. It's first class. Oh, my God. It's first class.

It's first class. It's first class. It's first class. It's first class. It's first class. It's first class. Have the price. Best seat in the business.

And without a doubt, you've got more leg space actually than you are in first class. I've been more comfortable in main cabin select than I am in first class. You know why? Because they have a desk. I could put a notebook down. I could actually fucking type something. And you can stretch. I got gorilla hands.

You can stretch the fuck out. It's got more space than first class stuff. You have to hit a button. They bring you free food, free booze. Everything's on the house. So it's still first class, only not in the first class. And you still stand on the first class line. That fucking Brit.

And if you want to fly first class, you call 12 hours before the flight. Yeah. If it ain't full up. 49. Boom. They bump it. And that's to go across the country. That's going across the country.

The only problem is they, like, all right, I want to go to fucking Austin from L.A.X. Right. No. You got to go to San Francisco first. Yeah. That's the problem that I foresee. Chicago, I love to take Virgin to Chicago, but you know what? I don't want to get the LAX at 9.

Yeah, bed's hard. The exit 9 is rough. That's a rough flight. You know what? American will get me anywhere at 5 a.m. if I call them and ask them. That's one thing about American. That's one thing about American airline.

They have flights all the time. That is why I fucking fly American. They are 24 now right there. They got a vampire flight. They are a 20. They got a 5 a.m. to Chicago. That means you have to be at L.A.X. At 4 a.m.

What type of human being are you that you're lurking at 4 a.m.? You? Without drugs. You? Yeah. Me. You know, it would be more effective. Like, if they ran, like, Southwest is almost a 24-hour-a-day airline. And especially with all its international flights now.

But I'm telling you, man, American is the smartest in the business. They lower the rates of what they could. But they run them all the fucking. time and it it it peeped they lower the rates in that so they have more people go to the off times who are bargain hunting like the rest of us used to and then main consumers can pay at an accelerated rate for the last immediate grid flights that aren't as full because the cheap people got diverted to the other flights it's a goddamn beautiful business model that's how you fucking make money but it's amazing how much these companies treat the customers like crap like especially

Well, there's no fucking reason why they, I mean, all right, if you were the worst person in the fucking world, go work at the airport because no one will bitch about you because they don't have time to fill out a form. They don't have time to fucking, can I talk to your manager? They just don't. They got a plane to catch. So they go, oh, that guy was a dick. And they walked you next plane. You get it. It's free.

It's awesome. If you're an asshole, go work at the airport. About a year ago, I made a really bad mistake. And this is the type of person I am, because I know it's a corporation, I know it's a company, and I know, was it you going to say that we're having a, no, I was having a chat today with somebody about agents. And I said, listen, I know people who are shit agents, but the agents are killer. Yeah. Doesn't matter. Just because he's, you know, I was looking at her, here's the funniest thing ever, on IMDB, they've got a rating for agencies and management and all that shit.

CAA is obviously number one. William Morris is number two. Innovative is like eight. And then the ancient time with like 200. It's like 300. You know, it's a fucking nightmare. There's some management companies I looked at. And here's what's fucked up.

You look at Jeff Susser's management. Yeah. There are 4,300. A regular person would look at that and go, I wouldn't even talk to that management company. Yeah. What do you mean? $4,000?

That's how, like, that's how, like, That's the rating that was the rating that was as far down the list. But they've got three clients. They've got three clients. Millionaires. So it doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter.

Do you understand me? So it's all bullshit. What are the rankings based on the client's earnings? And yeah, the client's earnings. And so like I'm with William Morris and they're, I think worldwide they're number one. But I'm here in America's CIA is, especially in LA. All right, but William Morris is badass. Who gives a fat baby's dick?

At that level, they're, I mean, unless they're worthless or fucking strung out on something. I mean, there's been a lot that have risen and fallen because of what they're snorting and what they're drinking on their fucking expense. But, man, if you've got one client and you're that guy's manager, and that fucking guy is of Kevin Hart, your rating would be, I mean, that you only have one client and you're so far down. But Kevin will work hard and make a ton of money.

But what if he takes two years off, you know, just to relax and build up a new act? You know, that's when your rating drops to 5,000 like assessments. I mean, how much TV does even Joe and Kevin do anymore? No more. No more. I mean, is Joe doing, he's still throwing people around? out of the UFC's, right? Right.

Right. But that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, he'll be theatical. Some guy called me at this. He would be the, a, such a fucking amazing action hero. He doesn't want to do it. And I understand. I understand. I understand. Oh my God.

He would be. It's so amazing. Okay. With Joe Rogan, okay, with a fucking skull and tats and crazy shit. Okay. Driving a hot ride through the fucking desert for hot bitches. what the fuck I'm all from that

that fucking nice ass Corbett of his fucked up Oh god damn it I wouldn't want to do it either He can throw it A friend of mine asked me He could change a light bulb

With a kick If you put a show on TV Wouldn't you want him to be Executive producer? He probably would do it If I asked him But it's the last thing On his mind

It's the last And if you understood his life He does The easiest path of resistance You know We were talking about work ethic a couple weeks ago. You know, he got that job at the UFC

as a volunteer. He called the guy and said, I'll fly myself out. I just want to do something at my time. Do you guys have an idea with the UFC pays him? What he's become on that channel? He's like the voice of that shit. This didn't come to him because he trained. He went to the ITT

Institute of fucking announcing. He stepped up. And that's what this whole thing's about. He's stepping up. So if you have this job, right guys this is how he looks at it and I look at it the same way right you got this job that flies you into Vegas or whatever every once a month to call a fight they pay a shitload of money he gets residuals from two shows guys yeah but he was on two syndicated shows hits hit hits why would you want to drive it's or Warner brothers and put up with that yeah

why you know how hard is to be the rock it's it's fucking you know how hard it to be the rock. See, people in Kansas because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. He's going to wake up one day and go, first of all, how many needles can I stick in my blood? How many needles can I stick in my neck before my kidney blows up? Because that's how the public needs to see you all the time.

He went on some show a month ago and said he eats 20 pounds of fish a day. That's all great and dandy. Okay? But you've got to stick needles in your body to be that fucking big. Hey, me and you go into some sushi spots. We got him on that one. Yeah, we got him. So you know how hard it?

You have to train. Right now, Joe Rogan, as a family. He doesn't want to come down to him. Why would you want? He is such a genius. I was telling somebody that day. What do I want? What do I want?

Do I want the Joey Deer show? Not in 20 million years. I'm 52. I did blow for 30 fucking years. I, you know, I'm surprised I didn't fall in the mouth for so much bad pussy I ate, like the Kardashian black guy. Oh, yeah. What's his name?

Lamar Odom. I would foam at the mouth. Those bitches are the fucking kiss of death, dude. For 20 years, I'm overweight. You got to look at your fucking weight. You got to look at your life and go, how long am I going to fucking last? So do I really want to drive to parent and I'm in every day

and put up with this faux-pois producer and director on their creative thoughts for a show for five more fucking years in my glory? To stick away from my kids, their kids are fine. He's fine. The UFC pays him great money. He goes on the. the road when he wants to with the UFC so it's

all in house so yeah people make me laugh when I go to these clubs are like so what's it going to take for Joe Rogan to come to my club I want to say listen to God he comes in for one fucking night you know I've been

in 98 being at the laugh factory one night and I tell the story constantly as whether people like him or dislike him or he's not funny or funny Dane Cook one night walked out of the laugh factory 99 and he came open and said hello to me and I looked on and I go how was the last stop last week he goes that's a fucking great club man yeah that was

92 but no no I mean 2000 2001 he goes it's 2000 but the only problem is it's a lot of work yeah Wednesday through Sunday and I looked at him and I didn't think about what he was saying but I got it dude and that guy had a ton of of money and we had $2 to our name and we would have we would have been we would have loved it but no he just he goes i just want to play bigger places that's it just one show that's it one show he put that out there he made he put a plan together he changed he changed comedy with that move with that move and i saw it happening i remember saying who started it dayne is the one who started it you know everybody before from mitch headberg everybody wednesday through sunday maybe stay until tuesday

if the drugs are good. Every fucking body. Everybody. Dougie Stanhope. Everybody did it. Fucking, Dane Cook was the first one that broke the fucking model. The clubs had had the control the whole time because there wasn't in the, after comedy died after the 80s and the 90s were fucking dead. There were no headliners that were selling tickets. So when comedy started to come back up, the clubs, there was less clubs. and so these comics so they can fucking keep the money down. But now

the dumb fucks, they got greedy like they always do when they fucking start making money. They start putting all these comedy clubs everywhere. And then they go, oh, I got no fucking headliners. And then that's when we've got the power, and it was fucking Dan Cook that showed the way. You can

say, go fuck your Wednesday and eat a dick on Sunday. I'm doing, no, you know what? I'll come in Thursday for Friday morning radio. And that's, That's it. That's it. And I'm back at home in LA early. They put the fucking thing together. He put it together, brother.

Pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I. Somebody twice as smart as I. A somebody who Will swear to be true What do you think you're dealing with, Lisa, you bad motherfucker you? Jesus Christ Huh?

These chocolates are good. Fuck yeah, they're good. You can get you dealing with? And you want me to tell you why the other reason I went to church was the other day? Why? Because it was the 36th anniversary of the night. That morning was the, that morning was the 36th anniversary of the night. The day I got home, Stephen Villas called the show, my friend, Stevea Villa, a couple times.

He had a party one night. He had had a party in August that year, and they put, he had older brothers. This kid, Stephen Villa. You never met him, Ralphie. No. Great kid. He's got a cover band called The Pass Masters. And they had a shed.

And when we were growing up, his brothers were part of his crew, and they fucking had parties. Not big drug parties. They weren't drug parties. They were about music. And they did crazy things. Like they would eat glass and fucking, you know, eat a mouse's head off and shit like this. So one day, this is way before Oz.

This is 1970 fucking nine, my friend. So summer of 79, I went over there one day for a party. And the only young kids that were invited to the party were me, a villa and this kid Conti. And at this party, they took a garbage can. And they filled it up with everything they had. had, they put Hawaiian punch in it, and they took bees. Remember, he called and told the story that the brothers took bees.

Trying to think about eating bees. And put them in the fucking thing. So, and with ice. And this stuff had like 151 rub. Oh, my God. It tasted terrible. So fucking, to scoop it out, you had to do this. It was in a garbage can, and it had chokes of fruit.

And I'm back there smoking pot. The next thing, you know, I'm getting woken up in Sinsulo's front yard. Anthony Sinsulow. He's in Dallas, Texas. And I'm getting woken up by Ray Ernesto. Ray Anesto was a cop from the neighborhood that would come down and play basketball with you on Sundays, but he always wore colored socks and it drove me crazy.

And at the end of the fight, at the end of the basketball game, that was the argument. Ray, you got to go home with your color socks. How about I punch you to my mouth? Fuck you, Ray. You ain't got to punch me in the mouth. You're fucking 40. I'm fucking 10.

Go fuck yourself, Ray. But Ray was a cool motherfuckerucking. Ray picked me up. And he was Coco, what happened? I don't know. I blacked out. I got fucked up because come on. drive you home and he knocked on the door

my mom answered and she's like what's going on I go my I got fucked up I fell asleep on since the last thing she was go fucking sleep it off you idiot she yelled at me this was like the end of August this is the first time that's when parents were fucking parents and police for goddamn police right they didn't have

to be fucking parents too man he was from the neighborhood and I'll never forget that I was fucking hungover this was the first time ever that I was hungover so I got in like a five-th It was starting to, the light was starting to come out. 5.30, a sophomore in high. I'm going to be a sophomore.

This is like two weeks before they put me in the hospital for a lung infection. I'm fucked up. I'm not doing drugs, though, guys. I didn't do drugs. I was smoking pottenant and I was high. I was, I wasn't a big drinker, but I drank a little much. And I'll never forget that my mom could drink early, dog. And it was a Sunday morning.

So I got home like at 5. I passed out about 10 o'clock in the morning. and I can hear like ice cubes and shit. That's what I woke up to. I can hear Cuban music. And I heard her to come up the stairs. She said, oh, yeah, I want that. That means wake up.

I made breakfast to lunch. And she had like a glass in those days towards the end. She used to drink a Bloody Mary with a Heineken in a shit, right? Who the fuck makes a bloody marry with a Heineken in there? Walking around your house? And she was such a spick. Like, she was such a spick. She wouldn't even cut the celery.

She just fucking. and break it and put it in a drink and eat it while she was talking to me. You know, but you have to appreciate this. You can't write this. You can't write this. You know you're supposed to cut the lettuce off the celery? Yeah. She was such a spit. She just ate it, right?

She just ate it. Fuck it. She would dip it. She loved tomato juice. That V8. Oh, fuck it. That's what she lived off. I still love that, dude.

I drink that like twice a week. So she wouldn't put Tabasca on her bloody Mary. She put Frank's red sauce. Oh, not me. So anyway, she looks at me, Don. I'm fucking. I got a headache that's pounding. And she goes,

oh yeah, they're going to say, I cook for you. And then she goes, she looked at me for like five minutes. She took a piece of her celery and she goes,

now you know what I feel like in the morning. And she fucking walked out, and that was like a prolific thing in my world. Like, I never thought about it again. Okay.

So it's August of fucking you got the best of it. It's August, a fucking whatever. But she said it very be pat-et-pat-tois. Like, now, you know what I feel like in the movie, okay? This is how you want to live your life.

She just walked out of the room. Okay. Don't go, that's for real. Now, this is the end of August. Now, it's September, October, November. I love you, real. I get invited to a Halloween party. It's a Saturday night.

Fucking crazy. Was you finger-begging chicks yet? Three days before this fucking party, a girl pulls me aside. That's beautiful. She goes, hey. what do you think of this girl? I go, why do you ask?

She goes, she wants to get together with you. You want her number? I go, sure, but she had just broken up with a kid. And even in 1979, I went up to the kid like a man. And the kid was a tough kid. And I went up to him and I said, can I talk to you for a second? And he already know. I go, I know you're not with her anymore.

Do you mind? And he goes, you know what? I like you. But I do mind. I'm still in love with her. Just give it to man. Okay, fuck you. I just, you know, but that's how deep I was in 79, guys.

At 15, I already knew there's boundaries, you've got to be a man. You got to be respectful. And that Halloween night, we all dressed up by ghost, and we took a hit of ass, and we went to the Gammeo's garage. And it was tremendous. It was tremendous. And 11 o'clock, I went to fucking meet her, and some girl came and said, she's not coming.

You have to go get her. And I was like, what? And the girl was hot. And on the way walk, in fact, Timmy Holloway is her cousin. He's listening to this podcast. Robin Thompson, it was me and her Robin Thompson started walking. Her boyfriend Glenn Zemnack was a man already. Me and Robin were 15.

Her boyfriend was a man. That's how hot this bitch was. He was a fucking man. This bitch didn't even date high school kids. He got out of the car and taught we were leaving together and started yelling that up, but I stuck up for her. And he was like, you know, I'll deal with you some other time. And he, you know, it was very nice to me that night.

All this shit went down. I forgot. And the whole thing, I forgot to call home. That was the rule of the house. So you got to fucking call home. So Saturday night was this night. It was a Halloween party. But it was the, in those days, in that year, if you look at 1779 map, Halloween was on a weekend.

Me and ghetto boys are trick-or-treat. No, Halloween was like on a Wednesday. So, but the party was Saturday. Yeah. So it really, it was like maybe, or Halloween was like Monday and this party was on a Saturday. Those are the best, it was like October 28. You like trick-or-treat like three times. So what happened was I stayed.

there and all of a sudden I realized it's three in the morning and I call home and she's my mom and says she goes what the fuck and I listen I'm up here but there's no buses it was a Wednesday it was a one trick but that so the but what was the date on the fucking

Saturday nightly the third no the Saturday before that 27th the 27th because she died on the 8th so she died Wednesday after that not after the Halloween 10 days after the Halloween So it was a week and a half

She died a week and a half later So she gave me the speech on a Sunday night And she died November 8th So look at it You follow me? Yeah, you see how the cop Wow So that Sunday

She goes, I'm on the couch What are you going to do? And I go, I don't know She goes, well take a taxi home I go, I'm not going to take a taxi home I got other buddies with me We're all going to walk home together And I'd done the acid and stuff

And the acid was coming down I was getting like the little jingles and shit So something happened somebody took a ride downtown. But by this time, we were talking. It's 5 a.m. I'm not going to call her back. She was already sleeping.

And I'll never forget that I fucking... My friends dropped me off. I had a ghost costume on, and I walked up the fucking stairs. And as I was putting the fucking key in the door dog, she opened it, grabbed me with one fucking hand, and just smacked me across the face.

She hadn't smacked me in four years, five years before that. I was a big boy. You know, and she, that just wasn't a, that just wasn't her MO, you know, to hit me. She would say, I'm going to fucking kill you. Two years before that, she did light me on fire with a bounty row. She pulled me out of Carmine Balzano's backyard. So, but she was past, she was passed.

And she slammed the door. She goes, let me tell you something. She goes, someday you're going to be fucking married and you're going to have a fucking wife. And you better fucking call her every hour on the hour. That's the deal in this house. You could stay out all fucking night. I don't give a fuck what you do. Drinking with your stupid buddy.

She went off. But she does all I want. And I'm standing there going, you just smacked me in the fucking face hard. Like, it was a hard smack to the face. Like, it was still stinging. And she's like, you know, you fucking idiot?

You know, what the fuck is wrong with you staying out until 7 o' morning? Get upstairs to your room. I don't even want to look at you. And I'm hours past. I'm like, I might even move out. Like, that's it. I might even move the,

fuck out of this bitch. Fuck this place. Fuck this place. Fuck you. No wonder your husband left you and the other one died. Fuck you. Wow.

Holy shit. That was fucking real as it gets. That's real. My father died at 37. And then one who was a killer left up because he had him in the head with a fucking saint. A fucking Catholic saint.

Which one? Guadalupe? No, no. Santa Barbara. The man that with the sword. Did he flick the cigarette and she fucking waited him to fall asleep

and she broke it over his head nobody could deal with that. He didn't even know what to do. He was lost. He was in a deep sleep. So that night I went to bed thinking, you know. Was that after she got home

from closing the bar? Yeah, they came home together and they were talking and they were sitting like this and he was sitting on a chair and something happened when she wanted a cigarette and he took it

and instead of handing it to her. We were old school Cubans, bro. throw nothing in that house. No, that's rude. He threw it at him. I don't give a fuck. If somebody flicked a sake, if I can't have a cigarette

like you say, if I'm thirsty, hey, talk, look, can I have a sip of your water? And you fucking threw it in me? It's the same fucking thing. It's rude. It wasn't even lit. It's fucking rude. But my mom's demented, drunk head. It was a disrespecting, so she waited from him to go to bed, she hit him in the head.

And he fucking left the next day. So I'm walking up the stairs thinking That's just, I'm walking up the stairs. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I'm walking up the stairs, thinking, you know what? I ain't tolerating this shit no more. You know, I'm 15 and a half. I get a job.

I can live with the Bousanos. That was my plan. I don't need this shit. People hitting me and shit. I was that one of the Bousanos when I was working at Hemsbrook Heights once in. Yeah, Pete. Political Pete. So the next morning she woke me up again.

She's like, hey, I cook something. And she goes, but let me tell you something. She goes, get up. And she got up. She, like, I was like, oh, fuck. And she goes, first off, I'm sorry for putting my hand on you. You're too old for me to be hitting you. But number two, she goes, I just want you to understand something.

All I want on this deal is for you to grow up and be a man. That's it. I don't give a fuck. How you do it? I want you to grow up to be a man, okay? When you tell somebody you're going to call him, you call him. And she kissed me in the cheek and she walked out. And I didn't think much of it.

I didn't think much of I just sat there and I was like you know what I'm whatever a man what the fuck is I am a fucking man I was just sucking titties behind the high school last

I'm a man I'm a fucking man I work last summer I made $75 a day you know in my head and the morning you know whatever so 10 days later

when I found her debt on the floor the first thought was like she's never gonna find that I got left back but the second thought was this is what she was saying she gave me a heads up that's all she wanted out of this for me to be a man whatever i knew in her world what that meant

but i just wanted to celebrate that i know that she liked churches yeah my mom loved going a fucking pretty there was a church down the block from st patrick's cathedral this in the 70s and 60s and every year on february 26 my mom would give the guy a hundred and bring him a bottle of shivers and whatever flowers and they would set the casket up like a faith casket and my mom would do a fucking thing for my dad and she used to say i love philisivis and she used to say i love We used to go to churches just to fucking look at churches. Even though she was demented, she would go to churches. They are beautiful.

Then in the eighth and the sixth, in the fifth grade, I was 10. That's 1973. And that year, something happened. The New York Mets went to the playoffs, the NLCS playoffs against, look it up, Lisa, against the Cincinnati. What am I like? Look up the New York Mets against the Cincinnati Reds, 1973. Oh, poor Mets.

This is how. Whip the shit out of them. They beat them with 17th spicks and they did it right there and fucking, I mean, who's that black guy?

Spike Lee, took his hat back all. Okay. Jerry Seinfeld was booing back to his billion dollars. Okay. And the little team from nowhere. Fucking no money,

Royals. I'm so proud of them. God bless. It's an American dream. It really is. It's a fucking American dream. Good for them. Whipped him to death.

At their house. What year was it? 73. 1973. New York met from the Cincinnati Reds. Tremendous. October 6 to 10th. And New York won the series

three games to two. But they lost the A's. Right. Pete Rose beat the fuck out of Bud Harris in that second base. It was tremendous. When he was sliding in.

But that year, my mom, I made my first community. You were talking about Catholic relief. So you went to Jewish instruction when you were growing up. Yeah. Sort of kind. What days? It's Saturdays?

No. It was Wednesdays a lot. Wednesdays and Sundays sometimes. Hey, did you have the little things? No. Oh, thank God. I was not. That would have been miserable.

Lee, you should let them grow now. You should eat some pot cookies and say, fuck you. Just fuck with people's hate. Lee, if you did that, you know what, Lee, I have no idea. grow those? Yes, you do. How do you grow those? You just let it Yeah, just let it fucking... What I'm supposed to do pre? Who is it a fucking... I'm going to look at an asshole.

No, they'd be mutton chops. Everybody think you're a hipster faggot. You know, it'd be great. You're not a model no more. What do you give a fuck what they think? You got a girlfriend. Get you some mutton chops. Get you some mutton chops. Get you some extra dope from a sponsor. So you can eat plus.

And it doesn't chat their leg. Yeah, we'll get some juax. So you get some money on a sponsor. Oh, yeah. Jew wax. Yeah, and get you one of them moustaches, too. It makes you look like

one of them fucking evil villains. Like you got a bitch tied up on a track. That's what you need, Lee. That would be the look. Fuck, yeah. Come on, Lee. You got to do that. Come on.

You got that stash. There's no way that's my love. Dude, that's your look. That's your look. And then shave your head and you'll be a circus strong man. Okay, that's what you'll be. You'll be such a strong. with Anthony.

You mean, I'm sorry. It's just cracking me out. My fucking mom. That hash was fantastic. I used to go to this fucking Sacred Heart School for boys. And how they did

what they did was you had to line up eighth grade, seventh grade, sixth grade. So to go to church there was this belt and you had to ring the bell. So sister Anna would go, all right, eighth grade and she'd ring the bell

and you'd go in. Well, my mom used to eyeball that bell because it was made from copper and I had a wooden hand. And the Cuban big saint in Cuba which is October 6 I got another quote that she's you're supposed to have a copper belt

and if you want money you have to ring that belt so my mom went there on the way home she's like just just get close to me my mom shoplifted the fucking bell and she would take it to the Mets and ring that fucking bell so in the back of her mind that bell was everything that bell was bringing her luck

Every time I'd see her, she'd give me a kiss and go, you're a genius. That church is bringing me good luck with the fucking belt. The Mets keep winning. The witch is stolen from the church is bringing me the Lord. That's amazing. So every time the Mets will play at home, she'd bring the bell, and if she went to a MEC game,

she'd take the bell and put it in her purse. And she ring the bell at the Mets game. This is true fucking story. This is how crazy. This is what I came from. Oh, man. I know you don't have all this time, but have you thought about trying to go back to 1973 METGames video

and see if you hear the bell. That'd be crazy. You're blowing my fucking mind. You're blowing my fuck. I couldn't, I couldn't. No, no, no, no, no. I couldn't. I couldn't. You would hear her, too. You would hear it going rusty stab. She would throw chicken wings when he'd run back.

She hated Rusty Stubb. So she was like, his side of it. No, my bonga, by laue, and I mean, she hated them. I only know some of what you just said, and it still made me fucking mad. She hated them to the point. Those just sounds hard. I'm not good at it. She'd tell me to the point, like the usher would go,

De Niro, what do you want to sit? You know, do you want to sit in the right field? And I think Rusty, where did Rusty Stop play? 73 Mets, was it 73? Whatever Rusty stuff. They had a horrible, I think it was Rusty Stobb, and George Theodore. Come on my, my mom, he used to get so pissed. He always had to hit the cutoff.

He was the right fielder. Yeah, he always had to hit the cutoff. That was the story on that way. So when the guy would, when my, I, I, I, I, don't. So she's talking. I'm getting goosebumps right now. Oh, my God, that's the best. Here's the deal.

New York. The guy would go, De Nora, I got side on right field only. So he would have to run past her. He would have to run past her. If she would sit there and he ran past her, she would lose her mind. She would go ballistic. All eight times he'd run.

Oh, yeah. Ruti. He whoeputa! She fucking yelled at him in Spanish. And then if she was close to him, she'd throw chicken wings on him. Oh, yeah. you're a putta. So when the guy

would ask her, where do you want to sit? And say, he'd say, like, what do you want to sit? My mom would go, oh, no me pung up by that la. Compa, man, okay? A type of that. I don't like that fucking dude. So she would sit on the other side.

Who was the left fielder? Oh, God. Oh, God. Thank God. You'll give me a break. Oh, God. Plus, they had Wayne Garrett on third. So she was in love with Wayne Garrett. If Wayne Garrett took his dick out,

My mom would jump the fence and suck his dick and Tom Ceeve at the same time. Okay. Your mom's got heart. Give me the team. Oh, that's cool. By the way, this Friday, I'll be at the club Nokia here in Los Angeles. If you're a church member, please come in. I'd love you.

I'd love to see you live. I get to do, I'm going to do about two hours and blow your fucking minds. Come on, baby. What's the team? Who was the left field of then and who was the fucking third basement? All right. You want the left fielder? It was Cleon Jones.

Cleon Jones. Who was the third basement? Wayne Garrett. Yeah. Bad motherfucker dog. He reminds me of David Wright. The hot corner, they used to call it. And my mother love Wayne Garrett so she could tolerate Clayon.

And my mother used to call Cleon Jones La Clion. Bamo pala la Cleon. Because he was black, so my mom would clap and Wayne Garrett. She liked Wayne Garrett. But if you put him... You know what I'm sorry. she'd be tormented the whole game with Rusty's thought She'd turn and look at me at that deep

I don't want to look at this motherfucker I gotta sit there and look at this motherfucker So He did an error She lost like $10,000 one time Because he dropped the ball And that was it That's it

My mother's world Or was it because I heard No he did something stupid He couldn't hit He couldn't throw it to first base He had to hit the cutoff I don't know what he did to My mother, my mom just didn't like him.

So my mom, if she sat on the right side, not only would she ring the bell for the match, but then she put voodoo on rest he style with the same time. Right? So that year, bro, listen to me. Like a fucking match beat the reds, right? Sure. No, fucking look.

I'm not going to look at all. Jesus Christ. Yeah, they won three games. Do you understand what that was? Man, what that was for the fucking Mets to beat the Reds. The Reds were beginning a dynasty. That was the Big Red Machine. That was the Big Red Machine.

Now, you know what happened? Holy shit. You know what happened? My mother, when they went to the World Series, my mother put, I remember I was still going to Save it Hard School for boys. I still remember that playing his day, because my mom had that belt. And if, listen, this is even going to get creepy here. He's even going to get creepier.

Not only do you, the school, you go in on Sundays and you come home on Thursdays. Here's what it really gets creepy. Lee, go even deeper. See what day the World Series was on. The game that the, what was the series when the Oakland A's beat the Mets? 1973 World Series. Look at the day they clinched. So this is really going to knock you motherfuckers out.

Okay. Oh, my God. See if. it was a Sunday. The day they won that game, the Oakland A's beat the Mets, game six was on a Sunday. Was it six games? Seven games. Okay.

Sunday, October 24th. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with, gentlemen? You ain't Johnny. So listen to me. Listen to me. I don't know what you're saying. I still remember. I still remember.

I still remember what's his name catching the ball. And my mother looking over at me and going, let's go. We're going back to that fucking school. and on the way her like playing, she wouldn't even look at that fucking bell. So for the last three months, all she does is she loves this bell. She put the bell down at night

and let a candle next to it. She cut a chicken hedge and fed the thing. She did the whole thing. Singria and all that shit. She gives the blessings. The day the match lost, she personally got in the car because usually she'd go to the bar

and my stepdad or one of my mom's friends would drive me. And we'd all go out to dinner as a family and then my mom would go to the bar. because you don't have to be that till five. No, three, if you were working the bingo on Sunday. Yeah, man. That Catholic church is a beating.

My mom personally drove me to the fucking school, got me out, and I could see she was agitated the whole time. And the middle of the agitation, she gave me a hug. And she goes, do me a favor. Get this fucking kiss a bell, kiss a bell away from me, right? Like, why ain't touching that fucking thing? They've been looking for that bell for three. months. They've been doing

searches with dogs for that fucking bell. Oh my God. And I go, you put the fucking bell back. You robbed it. Here we are in front of the church. The nuns are 10 feet. 10! I'm fucking 10. And my mom's telling me, go put this. I don't ever want to see that fucking bell again.

I don't want to see that bell. I don't want to see Rusty Stob. As long as I live, I swear to God, I don't know what I hear. My mom used to get superstitious against certain things. Okay. So now The bell had carried her throughout the whole baseball. Not only that, the bell helped the Mets beat the Cincinnati Reds,

which at that time were royalty. Yeah. Okay? Now, because they lost in game six or in game seven, the bell was bad luck. She didn't want it in the fucking out of here. Like I said, she personally drove... How much you think she lost on that bet? Because you know she bet the shit out of the Mets?

$50,000. Jesus. I'd hate that motherfucker too. My mother... I'd burn that belt. My mother had a gambling problem. What women do they think with those slot machines?

My mom made you look like a fucking... My mom was a betting baseball. All sports? No, just baseball. Baseball and horses. And the horses will kill you. It's every day. You can't do anything every day in life.

She lost everything because of her baseball betting. Everything. And her teams were betting baseball for the Red Sox? at that time and they were hot then those were one that were great so this whole last week

was really a more you know I watched them fucking Met Games I watched them did I cheer for them I gotta tell you something I was cheering for them up to when they went to Shea Stadium the first night

and when I saw them singing ring me a song you're a shadow man whatever that Billy Joel thing that was it for me I was disgusted to the I have never been that that's not the New York I left

they were all hugging each other and they were all hugging each other and they were singing, sing me a song, you're a piano man. And Billy Joe was in the top acting like a jerk off. That stuff drives me crazy, dog. That's a baseball field. You're supposed to go and throw things

and ring bells and yell up, and sell these and shit. They've created into something else. That's what pissed me off about the... That's why I got so mad. So you sang for two nights, also when they're getting beat up and Shay. That's why he kept tweeting last night.

Didn't you see what I was tweeting last night? Where's fucking Billy Joe? Get him singing. That's the night they won. the night that he fucking sang that song. Now they're losing. Where's Billy fucking Joe when you need them? Where the fuck is that cock sucker?

Go fuck yourself, Billy Joe. That's what I was pissed off. Kansas City. Let me tell you what Kansas City played. Kansas City played with my man Brad Pitt was trying to sell. Moneyball. Money ball is, and you know why? Did you watch the series?

Fuck yeah. Fuck I didn't watch it. And I was disgusted with him. Are you serious? Because I even watched that piece. shit Monday night game. Did you watch that fucking football game? That was hot garbage. What was here? What was here? He was here.

He was here. Did you know this? You got a fucking nine foot TV behind you. No, he don't like. He said he don't watch the unless it's. I love the World Series. That's American as far. What were you doing? Were you playing some he was here working? He was here working. He was here working. One of those screens had one of them fag shooting games. No, no, no, no. He was shooting somebody in fucking in Belarus right now. And they're both cussing out dirty fucking records.

He knows he can't. I know. He was Googling his fucking cousins. All right. Whoa, whoa, listen. Yeah.

Did you know this what Kansas City did? And I love that. I hate when people forget about the game. Small ball. Small ball. Lee, they stole bases. They stole bases.

I love when people steal. They put pressure. You really want to fuck with a motherfucker. And if you look at the Cincinnati Red, the big red machine, that's all they did. Their job. And next time classic baseball, the Cincinnati Redsplay, you sit there and you watch that whole game.

And you're going to go, oh, my God, nobody had more than 15 home logs. Eric Foster. Small ball. Small ball. The main job they did was steal. Get a single and steal. Steel and singles is something that's forgotten about this country. You know, that's why Ricky Henderson played baseball so long and for so many teams.

Because think about it. He played for the Red Sox. He played for everybody. Ricky Hennie played for everybody. Listen, Ricky was goofball dumb, but he was one of the greatest baseball players to ever get behind. This guy, if you've got a pitcher, and he is out, out of business at 96 pitches,

and Ricky gets on base with a bun or a fucking single or walk sometimes, he gets on there, he jumps out. That guy's going to throw over there three or four times. He's going to wear out his arm. They're going to have to bring that middle reliever that's a piece of shit that hadn't worked in eight days. And then they have to go through three closures. So what do they do the next day? Ricky Henderson blows out their next guy.

That's what genius small ball is. And that's what they did. They played fucking great baseball, man. They played great baseball. Beautiful in college ball. If you watch those old Cincinnati Red Games, their lead off was always Joe Morgan. And he always stole. And once he stole, once Geronimo,

came on those fucking Indians those Geronimo's day they go crazy and they had like three people who would steal on you Pete Rose would steal on your ass you know and Pete Rose wasn't a thief but he just you know it just guerrilla you and if you watch those there was a game I was a classic baseball maybe eight years ago that they actually showed the fucking pitcher just going like I don't want to deal with this ever again this was not baseball this was torture because it's small ball it's slow torture every pitch something happens. There's always something happens. Every time you let that ball go, it's either a single,

a bunt, or this motherfucker's stealing. That's torture on a pitcher. He can't focus. You got a duck. You lose your concentration. It's fucking crazy. And then that's, well, I used to love baseball. I used to know everything about the Red Sox. There's 162 games

before the postseason. I don't have time to watch all those games. It's crazy. I don't know. Well, not every one of them, but watch one of each series and feel like a fan. You know? You know what I mean? I like the Houston Astros.

I started stand up there in 90. I loved them. Me and John Wesleying, we went for a foul ball, and a little kid was going for a foul ball. We were stoned out of our balls. And instead of me squashing that kid for that fucking foul ball, I broke the seat, okay? And the kids got the ball, and everybody's cheering,

and we're on the big screen. And I'm holding that chair together, motherfucker. I got my left hand on the chair up. And John's laughing. He goes, you break that chair. I go, this motherfucking chair is done. I broke that ass to them and been there 30 fucking years. And I fucked that chair up.

We got up. It fell to four pieces. He got swear to guy. Get Johnny Wes on the phone. That is so fucking funny. Oh, my God. You broke a couple of things, cucks a lot. I broke it a lot of shit.

I broke it a lot of shit. I used to break lawn chairs. Lawn chairs could not hold me. Remember the Pittsburgh. Honeybone. Yeah. The home of Creepo. They used to have naked women pictures all around the bar.

Yeah, right? I hated. I always used to hate. Dad, I hate lawn chairs, dog. Yeah, the chair you have on your balcony. I never knew why you had that goddamn chair there. I broke one and you broke one. Well, I broke.

I was like pushing the jar, and you came and just tormented it. Well, for a fat guy, that's the worst chairs. Dog, when you shot your pilot for VH1, didn't I break a chair? Yes. Yes. Something happened. I broke a chair. Yeah.

You broke a chair. It was awesome. For a long time, I was breaking fucking shit. Oh, my God. It was so fucking funny. I love one of a chair broke. One time with Sleep Apnea, a chair broke in Miami. Dude, dude, you broke Gavin's toilet.

Remember you went in there and you just sat down to her and you broke that fucking toilet. And then you made the slow creep. And water came out and flying Gavin. And Gavin got out of his, because you were sleeping in my mouth. that that thing. You're like, fuck him. I'm going to here. I broke Gavin's fucking futon. That was classic, dog. I heard that thing snap

in eight ways. When you're a fat fucking break shit sometimes without even knowing. It's the most embarrassing thing. Living like a fat fucks, you break a ton of shit. Clothes, I have ripped clothes. I remember one time I got to somebody's I remember one time in somebody's

car in a Jeep day had. I went to get the handle and I went to pull up and have to fucking roof came down. Oh, man. Stop being a fat motherfucker. Man, there ain't nothing easy. Let me do some shout-outs. I'll get the fuck out of here.

I like to thank Mike and Mary Johnson at Unique Bose. Thank you very much for the Bose. We put them on a little hair for Halloween. Thank you for listening. Rusty Shackleford. Dead Squad, Dallas, and the rest of you crazy motherfuckers. I love those guys, man. Sandman, Benito Munoz, Sean Capuccino,

Jimmy Carroll, and Gert. Brooks. You know who I know who's watching? It's my man D in Colorado who's a cool motherfucker. I know D in Colorado, that motherfucker has got weed 15 foot tall. 15. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The biggest ass

buds. He's a good dude. Dude, he's a great guy, man. That guy's cut from rare. I just talked to him on Twitter a couple days ago. He's a good dude. He's a good dude. He's a good dude. You have to do that. What's up with you, Tarzan? We're going to kettle bells tomorrow? Hell yeah. You stand for your jitza? We're going to bust it. We're going. Oh, that's going to kill us.

Let's do it. Let's fucking go. I got shit. I got to take headshots on Wednesday. Stupid shit. Yeah, I'm going to end and out. All right. You fucking won't get real.

Okay, we're three fat guys. You're going to talk about workout sessions now. I mean, we've been talking about fucking assholes. That's why. Breaking bed. I just thought about it. I'm got God-gam. Just like buy a better bed, motherfucker.

That's what I did. Fuck it. Fuck breaking them. Buy the best. But he wants me to flip over my back. I can't. do it. I've never in my life and he'll do it. He's like, oh, just do it. I'm like,

I can't, what's never going to happen? Who gives a fuck? You go to do the best you can. Don't worry about to do nothing. You can't do something. No, I know. I'm just easy. Okay. I can't believe I can join this conversation, but I can, actually, and be relevant. Holy shit. Okay, I've been trying to

limber up and like, because traveling so much it hurts. And so my doctor, as part of, I broke my wrist, as part of my physical therapy, go to yoga. Okay? So I'm having this one-on-one with this yoga instructor, okay? All right, and I'm going down, and I got my legs spread as far as I can.

And the fucking yoga mat split in the middle. And my balls hit the fucking floor. And I almost passed the fuck out. My fucking thighs have been killing me for three weeks. Dude, I swear to God, I did the fucking. full splits like I was trying to block a goal. It was the worst. Oh, you ripped here. Oh, my God,

dude. I think I ripped my groin muscles. All this shit. I ripped that yoga man right down the fucking middle. Go-co. You're the first person I have said that too, because it's so embarrassing. But those fuckers will rip if you get fucking 450 splitting it. Oh, Jack, I busted my ass. It took me so long to be able to get up.

I didn't even know what to do. The instructor just pushed me back on my back. And it eased up. Oh, my God. But one of the worst things ever happened was when I drowned at the YMCA that time. That's the ton of your book. That's a ton of your book. Oh, my God.

As a fat guy, I was never more embarrassed in my fucking life, man. I've done some fucked up shit as a fat guy. And I don't, you know, you're getting bad. about being fat. You can't fat shame it. But the time I almost drowned to Wiley, fuck me up. I didn't say nothing for like two months. I didn't say nothing. I just snorted Coke and tried to hide it and shit.

That was embarrassing, though. I was just starting to lose weight. Things were going great for me. I lost like eight pounds. I was still snort and blow. I was doing big blow. And I fucking got up one morning and Terry went to work and I oversle

And I said, fuck, and I got to swim. And I went over to the wine. The Y is packed. I used to go to the fat man pool. It was this little Russian pool, right? It was like four feet, but it was 96 degrees. So it's like a therapeutic pool. And I would walk around.

And if there was nobody in there would do laps. And then you could, it's short laps. Nobody would see you. If you go to the big pool, there's kids and people see you and there's lifeguards, I was still too embarrassed. I'm not going to be a fat guy who wears a t-shirt in the pool. No. I am. I'm a hot mess. You don't want to see me.

So I said, fucking. I'm going to fucking. I'm going to go in there without a t-shirt. Lee, I was 400 pounds. There was fat everywhere, Lee. And I'd sit in the sauna and I'd make it like I was losing weight in the sauna. Then I'd go in the steam bath. Then I'd jump in the pool. And I do this every morning at 5 a.m. I did this to start off, but I was still snort and blow. So in my mind, if I ate sushi and I went to the steam room, I would, sweat the cocaine out. I wasn't a fiend no more. So now it's two in the afternoon. Lee, I go across the street to the wide.

I'm still a little hung over on the blow. And the fucking steam pool is packed. With kids jumping up and down. And I'm like, I can't do my fucking laps. But the adult pool, the lap pool, was wide open. Oh, shit. I go, fuck this. I swam when I lived in Boulder. I've been swimming for three weeks. I'm ready for the big fucking pool.

Why am I swimming with these fucking fat fucks? I went over that put my name on the blackboard guys I put my goggles in and on the deep end I jump just the cold water hitting me bro it just shocked my body just shocked my fat little body and then I'm trying to swim I'm swimming I'm putting everything I can I'm turning my head I'm remembering my form and I look up Lee and I haven't even moved like five feet I'm fucking sideways but by this time I'm out of it. air. Like I was smoking two or three packs of cigarettes a day. I'm

dying. I'm 10 feet out, but I can't swim back. And my feet can't take it. So I'm just holding on to the rope. And people are swimming by me. They're going, come on. Let go to the rope. Come on, swim. And I'm like, guys, I'm dying. I'm trying to get the shortest

distance was this way. If I swam vertically to the fucking wall, I'd never make it. So I had to swim this way. So I pulled myself like Spider-Man throughout the rope. And I get to the wall And I'm huffing and puffing guys Guys I was fucked up seriously

That's when I realized this has to end And I'm holding on to this And I can't kick no more And I'm out of oxygen And I'm holding on And I got my fucking chin on the ding Just holding me And some kids are like

Mr, mister, are you okay? And I'm like, no I'm not okay, help me No I'm like come on pull them out And all these little kids get to get his little Mexican kids And they're trying to pull me out and they can't pull me out. They're like, one, two, three, pull. And they're pulling.

And I'm turning purply. I mean, Lee, I'm not breathing. I don't even know about breathing through my nose. I'm starting to panic. People are starting to circle and look around. And these little kids can't pull me on. They're like, fuck it, ring the buzzer, and they ring this buzzer.

It's going, whir, right, right, right. And then this chick gets on the thing, and she turns this thing around. and they're actually going to make me, listen to this, they couldn't get me out. So they were going to fucking drop our hoist into the pool and they wanted me to swim into it. And then they were going to pull me out like a fucking whale, like orca.

And by this time, there's 50 people watching me. You have any idea, Lee, how embarrassed that is? I got tits. They're by my stomach. Lee, I'm purple. And they're like, swim to the middle. That must it sucks. Get to the middle.

Get to the middle and go in and we'll drop the hoist and the hoist will pull you out and then we'll bring you to the side. Lee, by that point I'm so fucking embarrassed and now out of the corner of my eye I see ambulance tech workers running in with a fucking mattress

like I got shot in Vietnam and something made me put my fat little foot over I just went and my fat foot got overdug oh my god that thigh must have weighed a thousand pounds and I fucking pulled myself up and I rolled down like Orca, I just rolled

down to the pool. I got up and I got up right in time. As I went through the fucking door, the three ambulance workers were running in. They're like, where is he? Like, that's him. And I just walk right past him, dog. Because rule number one, don't stop and don't sign nothing. You don't need to get checked out. Mind your business. You're fine.

You know, as long as you get to your car. I gotta be honest with you. I think there's a thing called secondary drowning. Look it up, Lee. It happens. You just take a little bit of air. I mean, a little bit of water in your nose and it gets down your actual windpipe and it can

be a very small amount. You don't have to have this deep, long thing. It's a secondary drowning. Look it up, Lee. Explain it. I believe that's what it is. That's what I thought you have because I swim all the time, man. You know, we belong to that tennis club.

I keep on inviting you to come up there like regular white people and let's have a goddamn party. Okay? You're in town eight days of fucking years. I'm calling that out. Let's Go. When? Tomorrow?

I can't go tomorrow. I can't go. All right. Next summer. No. That next summer. Stop. Stop.

Come on. We got the whole holidays. You're a fucking. We got the holidays coming. I'm going to smoke turkey. I'm trying. I'm trying. I got, okay, if you can team's in me, all right, trust me.

I got problems. Okay. We all got fucking problems. Yeah, I'm fucking Jay Z over here. But I got a hundred. All right. We all got problems. Word of that.

but you know what she's fucking being so great it's like it's so like freeing for both of us and i still love her i'm in love with her i love my babies and that's why you know this wasn't an acid trip night you know what i mean it could have been but it just simply wasn't i got real shit to do tomorrow you know i got i've got two beautiful babies that love their daddy and i've been getting so much bullshit, you know, about me and the wife filing for divorce. Truth was, she was just responding. They only check L.A. records.

She was already, I had filed on her like 10 days before. Okay? And, and, uh, and so there was going to be this big jurisdictional battle. Then

my lawyer in Tennessee goes, you're going to spend about $150,000 just fighting over what state we're going to have the divorce in. not count my money I was supposed to write a retainer tomorrow if she wanted to go to war for like $50,000

okay, it's retarded all right and we're just being cool it's like my babies I always want them supported my wife will never want for anything she'll have the house that she designed okay and she can be free and an un miserable person to fucking live with

Not that I'm a fat piece of shit It's I'm work all the fucking time I'm always And I've got babies that have to be in school But since this shit broke on the internet man They fucking They had people taking pictures of my kids man It's like

Motherfucker I'm I'm the guy You know what I mean It's like I'm the guy behind the microphone You know Those are my babies And they're just being fucking dicks You know I couldn't even go

Hardly trick-trick with them. The people all fucking up in my business who I never even knew. I wanted to slap so many motherfuckers. I just, I couldn't take it. I just sat down because everybody knows my fucking business, but they also know my babies and they go, yeah, their parents, you know, and everybody up there is either swinging, fucking divorce, fucking somebody else are doing coke. You know, there ain't no innocent ones over there, but they're throwing stones, but man, they're coming in. Let me ask you a question You told me a story that was

Fucking hysterical I didn't understand it Because you're a funny fucking dude Whatever's going on in your life right now Ralphie With your children The people from the church We love you

I know you back We want you to know one thing Divorce ain't easy There's two ways you could do this You want to do this with shotguns and Jews No Or you want to do this And that's the way you got to do it

Because you have a career Yeah And you want peace of mind You want peace of mind I'm in love with her Listen, man, sometimes people try. I'm thinking about this Ross and what. I didn't know, I don't know anything.

Guys, I don't know anything. I just found out that these people broke up and she's dating a new dude. Who? When does this happen? How does this happen? The singer from no doubt. Gwen Stefani?

Yeah, she's dating the judge from fucking the show or something. He broke up with his wife and she broke up with her husband after 14 fucking years. And they have. had like a thing today, like uh, that's Blake Shelton guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, listen, man, people in life sometimes don't get, I pray every day that Terry stays in love with me. And I keep it together with her. I pray every day because I know how quick you can go. And the longer you're with a person, the harder it fucking is. And when you have children,

it's even fucking harder. So there's two ways to do a divorce. You could either A, go to war to war, or B, take a fucking, few lumps in the head, which you're going to take anyway. That's all. You're going to take anyway. I've taken that my whole life, but ain't no big deal. Either 10 people could hold you down and put a big black dick in the ass, or you could just

take a fucking white flag, get naked, put it on your back, turn around, loop your own asshole, and let them do what the fuck you got to do. Okay? You know what? A dick in the ass hurts both ways, but I'll tell you what, it hurts more if you clench it up. She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't do nothing wrong. And you know what?

she did help me in my career. You know, the truth is, when I got last comic standing, okay, Jay Moore, Dickhead called me on Thursday, go, hey, I need you for an audition. I was in Hawaii working at the Laugh Factory, and he said, come back, I need you here on Saturday. And I looked online the cheapest ticket for round trip, because this still had to finish in Hawaii. There was nobody on that fucking island who could have done it. All right, And so I had to come back. And, and, uh, I, the, the ticket was like $1,100, you know. And that was, that was two months rent, man.

That's real fucking shit. Like, for a, for a maybe, for a big fucking maybe. And, and I rolled the dice. And I couldn't afford it. Lana had a credit card that her mama gave her for insurance. and she put it all on there. And that's what launched my whole career. So does she get half?

Yes, motherfucker. She gets half. Okay? She should get more than half. She's going to be drawing a salary from my place. She's going to be getting out of the monos like a regular white people because we're Jewish. You got to respect.

All right? My babies already have big things set up for them. They'll never want for anything. They'll never have what I went through. You know? And it's like, that's what you want. But now they're coming.

It's just so irritating. It's like, you know, they're just dumb. These motherfuckers, you know? The internet is a good thing and a bad thing. Yeah, right? The internet is a good thing and a bad thing. You know, I use the internet for certain things. I see people use it for other things.

And that's fine. That's what the internet is. It's your expression. But sometimes if you open up your life on the internet, the result isn't going to be good. It's happened to me. It's backfired. Yeah.

But in this situation with divorce and stuff, who knows? And nothing to happen yet. Keep doing what you're doing. Yeah. Try to put the pieces together. Try. Be a father. That's this.

Listen, the divorce in my life had to be tougher than a prison sentence. I lost a child in a divorce. I lost dignity in a divorce. And until this day, I have animosity. I have, I know. that I'm like Michael Douglas and what's the movie when he just snapped on the 405 walking tall standing tall when he started shooting people yeah last straw when I saw that movie that movie really scared me why you ever see that movie where he goes nuts on the

405 yeah he's lost his job the drug dealer goes to mug him and also he shoots him he goes you want my briefcase he's pretty funny in that and now Duval is looking for him it's a it's a cliche type movie but I always always saw that happening to me with my ex-wife. That's how bad of a divorce it was. I forgave my stepfather. Till this day, I talked to old school Cubans and I always say, fuck him, he never gave you what was coming to you. You know what, so then I got to go get what was coming to me. That was my frame of thought back then. He didn't give me my mother's money. What do you want me to do? You want me to shoot him? For three years, I lived with that. I was preparing to hide under a car and grab his foot and shoot him. Where's his money now? So I shoot him and kill him. How am I got to get his money?

out. So I had a terrible idea and I hated him for fucking years. And one day I go, this is the guy that raised me. Would you give me $300,000? What was I going to do with it? Was I going to invest? Was I going to buy a building? No. I was going to buy a poker plant off some fucking

fuck yeah. So in a way he saved my fucking wife, you know? So I forgave him over the years and I forgave him. That was it. When he died, I didn't go to a funeral. I sent flowers and I went to see his wife and then she died. But I let it go. I let it go. I got to tell you something. I had such a bad divorce. Yeah, I don't have any anger. I don't have, but I have

right now you know. No, I know. I don't care. I've already seen all the numbers. I know. I just love my babies. I have to get another place here and I hate it out here. Listen, it has nothing to do with numbers. Okay. There's, there's levels of a divorce. When she walked out of the house, she goes, listen, I'm just going to be a mile up the road. You come over anytime you want. Let me just get some space and I was cool with that I'm like looking at it going this is a dream come true I could work on comedy I wanted to be a fucking comedian I just got out of prison I was doing doing the working stiff stuff and I go fuck it I want to do fucking comedy and all of a sudden it went from one thing to another I hope it doesn't go there for you I hope you handle it no maturely I love my

babies I love my wife I hope that the attorneys don't get a hold of this and turn it into something else. They're not. I hope that because that's what it gets, that's what happened with me. Yeah. Once the fine print, there's a fine print. And once that fine print comes out, Lisa, yet, they ain't no coming back. And that fine print has to exist.

It has to exist. The law says it has to exist. And sometimes that hurts, you know. So, you know, you have our love, you have my love always. I call you every day. Hang up. I know. I send you videos of a little Spanish guy.

You got to knock it out for that, man. I'm the real deal. It's like, I'm the real deal. I've been through a divorce. I've been through a separation. Guys, it is brutal. I always advise people, keep it together.

God, well, no, I disagree. But if there's no love, there's no love. No, no. There's no love. There's no love. You have love. No, no. So there's something still there.

We both have so much love for each other. But it's like, here's the real deal. Okay. I have really fucking bad PTSD and now I'm properly medicated by probably the best. He's the head of psychiatry at Vanderbilt. He's fucking amazing. He's got me chemically dialed in. I sleep eight hours. I'm up. I don't take naps.

I walk. I feel great. He's done it all. He's fucking amazing. But before I got properly medicated, I was a fucking nut and a complete asshole. Okay. You know what you do after two years? You showed up in my house with the Elvis glasses you started to wear me that day.

What question did you have over that? It's not a question, but it was just my parents got divorced when I was in high school, and I actually had wished they got divorced earlier. Like they said, like, we stayed together because of the kids. I, even back then, even back then, I thought

it would be better just to have like a just a tough dude this is uh you know listen man i was dumb but i feel great now let's get some i got a lot of redemption let's get something on the end last comic standing is a great show and it uh and it shows a lot of comics to the country and a vice versa i don't even know what the fuck i'm saying when ralphi was on last comic standing he was already a brilliant headliner ralphi was already a lot of people paying tickets to go see him i mean this just accelerated the program where now these kids become somebody. Ralphie Mae was already somebody.

You follow me? Ralphie Mae was already somebody. It went from one thing to one thing, Ralphie. I judged it. I was there. I was there when you were cooking for us with no money, and also next thing you know, we're sitting on Wilshire Boulevard with a jar of weed in the living room and people were just sticking their hands in it and taking weed to go.

And he knew it. He didn't give a fuck. Take it. That's what's showing them out. Smoke the fucking whole thing. Yeah. I mean, every time he'd seen me, give me 200 bucks. To do what you do, it's hard on a person, never mind on a marriage. Yeah.

This has been a journey for you. And you've learned. And now, I hope that you keep it together. Man, I've got so much more peace in my life. I've got so much less stress and less anxiety. I don't have nightmares every night. No, you're with the PTSD from spellbinders when you found? No, no, no, that's hilarious.

You see the bottle of the hole. Hey, hey, hey, that was 12K. Show your mouth, cocksucker. That was a good angle. All right. I broke my fucking ball, but hey, I fucking got 12K out of it. Word to the mother. No, it's when I had bilateral double pneumonia and pulmonary invalism,

and I had to stay awake for nine days because if they said if I couldn't help my lungs expand, I would die. and the blood clot was so big that because I had pneumonia and I'd broken two ribs from coughing and that's what caused a blood clot to go right. It was right here. And they said that a radiologist was going to come in at 7 a.m. and enter this vein and go into that and find it right there by the lung. And he goes, you have to be awake. We can't give you any anesthesia. and it's inside you. It's, it's, it's, it's, it, it fucking hurts in there, man.

All right. And, and, uh, that, that they're going to, you got a 5% chance to live it. Okay. If it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it, if it blows the clot out, okay? You, you, you fucking live. And if not, you'll bleed out in your brain, you'll have a stroke. Good luck. Hey, sleep tight.

Boom. Motherfucking. I was fucked up, Dad. That fucking snap That snaps your fucking head Dude and so What I've been doing? I've been doing like a lot of PTSD groups. Okay? And they're always like what the fuck are you doing here? And I'm like look here a cock second

I'm just as fucked up as you are and Let's get to the real deal. Let's talk about some shit Oh like you even know about going I mean you how many times I've gone overseas for the fucking military like 19 I'm in a 44 forward operating basis and multiple war zones. Okay, by the way, Afghanistan this time of year, it's fucking beautiful. All the Taliban,

disturbance, change colors, men, it's like, those dirty motherfuckers, they're like, reds and yellows, it's beautiful. Okay, but I've been there, and then they start getting real, dude. And those guys get real, it gets real, real, you know? I mean, it's

like, I know it sounds stupid, right? But you're absolutely right. You know, Ralph and Matt, I've got to tell you. I'm sitting here and crying from you. And we'll end this podcast in a couple of minutes, but I got to tell you something. It's, uh, I'm 52, man. I've had a great life. I laugh.

I love being upset and then laughing. I live to laugh, people. I know sometimes I come across as a prick. I love giggling, and I love laughing. I have a lot of regrets in my life. I did a lot of fucked up things. I was talking about my godfather before. One of the biggest regrets I have, that we didn't have the money to do it, Ralphie.

what a mistake that what a mistake that we could go back and rewire that apartment with a camera we would have a show and I'm telling you this. That would have been the all-time it would be HBO's all-time greatest comedy show and you can't and you know what I'm sitting here across from Ralphie

I'm listening to the story and I'm like I can't even go to HBO I'm telling him I'm taking a Ralphie narrating a show about adventures of a fat guy and just even though that stuff to tube when you fell that time. Oh, falling on Gardner? Listen, I'm sitting here across in here.

Okay. Not even Gardner. The thing you were telling Lee about that, he's going on, you don't understand. This chick, this chick is living in his house. Before we're talking about this story, here's three guys trying to fuck the same chick. It's miserable. I'm the only one not trying to fuck her. But you wanted to fuck.

If your face fell into that asshole, it wouldn't be. It wouldn't be. the worst day. It wouldn't have been a worst thing. So something happened. They're having an argument. You cannot write this Lee Syatt. This is an apartment that's living on whatever Ralphie's society.

I'm living off Ralphie. I got a little bit of coke in my pocket. Ralphie's making bloody marries. Bloody Marys. And we're going over. We're hitting this every night. Everybody knew that at two in the morning after the company store. Boom. The party was in my apartment. The Red Devil, Ricky Cruz.

Babaloo. Babaloo. You know. And we just talked shit. The producer. Somebody would have a joint. Somebody wouldn't have a joint. But this one night it was just me. We always had weed. And we were drinking bloody marries.

And we're giggling. And Jody said something to Ralphie to piss him off. And there was a big Japanese lamp in the kitchen. All right? And Foco here sits down. And she pisses him off. And he sits in the position. And something happened that the light got a little lower.

And he's fucking saying shit to hell with his face red, right? He's like, fuck you. This is my house. I look like anger from inside out. Don't you ever talk to me like this? This is my fucking house. You believe this, Coco? She's my guest, and she's talking to me like this.

This is my vodka or something. And he, in the middle of his rage, he's like, ah. And he stops because the light bulb is burning his head. It burned my hair. You can't write that. You cannot write that. That's Inspector Cluzzo type of shit. This I had to wear I had for like three weeks.

I was like junior judge. I always had a hat You busted that toilet in your house Don't buy it on me No no It was Gavin's It was Gavin's You got you fucked up Gavin

I was fucking Slim Jim Magoo Stop Stop Stop And you also Shit and gab And then push it down With your toe motherfucker

Okay I know the real You coke out All right You can bullshit With these other faggits But I'm bona fide Okay

I was there at the beginning Okay You have no idea Lighting the bum on fire You're right in the bun. Eating people's pussy. If that apartment building had a fucking camera on it. Oh, my God.

We would be multi-millionaires. I tell the story that I brought Shamer there. And she was giving these people, drug dealers wanted to fuck shamer. Oh, so hard. And I left her downstairs in Gavin's apartment with Gavin and the Armenian. And she's dancing. And she's dancing telling the SPN stories. And I come back at five and there's one guy.

I'm doing them horrible and precious. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Every time they get her. Like garbage. She's talking. She's uncooked out. I'm still.

Oh, my God. And this dizzy bitch breaks out into like, like, Joe Pesci and shit. You have no idea. Like, hey, shut up, bitch. Dance. Take them tennies out. Okay?

That's what she told her. Did you remember that? You fucking told her. Go, yeah, whatever, bitch. Take them tinnies out. I love to. I always love her. I still talk to when I go to Vegas.

Is she in Vegas now? She's in Vegas. That's awesome. She is so cool. She opens for everybody. She's got a little gig. She's a... Dude, I bet she's making a fucking minx.

She's 45. She dances in a cage of a lesbian bar. She looks like she's like 20. She dances at a fucking lesbian bar. But she keeps marrying gay guys by mistake. What? She hooked up with that dude in Alaska. I had to do this guy.

Listen to me. About 15 years ago, I got to do this gig. She married a gig? Listen to me. I had to do this gig in Alaska one time. At Chilku-Charles? And one of those, for one of those people. And I canceled.

I got like the stupid TV show or something for NBC. And I had to cancel. And she went up there and met a go-go dance, like a male dance. And they fell in love. And she put his name on her little pussy. Oh, whoa. Holy shit. And they moved back to L.A.

and they were in love. Man, that's fucking... Wow. He was, like, unemployed, but he always came up a little bit of money. And she was dating him for, like, two years they were in love. And then one day, she went in his email, and she saw an email from old dudes that would... He would go to their house in the afternoon and put, like, a bikina, and he would dance for old dudes and shit, and he would get, like, 50 bucks and do Mets.

So she threw him out, and she was heartbroken because she always makes fucked up choices. I've told this story before. God bless you. That's so hard. Somebody tells me. This is the name of the guy that she's got on her pussy. This guy is a go-go dancer for old dudes, and he's smoking meth. So she throws him out.

Holy shit. She throws him out. I hear about this. About a month later, I bump. No, no, no. Okay. I bump into her. And she says to me, how are you doing?

We're going back and forth. And I go, hey. And I knew what the guy's name was. But, you know, me. So how's Mark doing? And she gets kind of sad. She goes, I'm not with Mark anymore. That's a shame.

I go, listen, I know this old dude. Oh, you're evil. You know what? You got to give it up to her. She is a clean of a ball buster. She will give it, but she will fucking take it. I tell you what, she takes it better than a lot of fucking bono by grown men. She's always that.

Well, she came up. She's fucking funny. She came up at the comedy store. Hard. Her mother's a biker. Her mother's Gemma. Did you know that? Her mother's like Gemma.

She was telling me stories, showing me pictures one time in the house. Her mother's like Gemma. And she's half Arab. I didn't know that. Yeah, she's Arabian. She's like a... Jesus. She's beautiful.

I tell you, if you look at her, you think that she had plastic surgery and you're like, but you realize it's just natural. She blows. Her and April, Mesa used to be real fucking tight. Two pieces of ass hanging out together. is 12, 15 years ago. They're going doing these dirty shows

all over the place, and they started doing on the forces show. They got a my face. What was before, Twitter and... Myspace. They got a Myspace page together, and they would do all these dirty rooms, and they got penthouse to pay them peanuts, but they had something going on in Vegas. They were really trying.

And every time you'd see one, you'd see the other. And one day I see shame, and I go, what's going on? Where's your buddy? She goes, we don't talk no more. So in the back of my mind, I'm like, wow, wow. It's two girls. They went for the same guy. It's some girl shit.

About a month late, I find out they're on a trip back from the fucking men. Saratiana verified it. They're on a plane on the way back. And also, the plane says having an engine trouble, and they're going to die. The plane's going to go down. All of a sudden, we're going to release the mask. And they released the mask, but only one came down. It was shameless mess.

Fucking April Macy took it and held it down, I'm gonna choke in the breathing the fucking. That deep, that savagery comedy shit right there, Ralphie, man. Oh, man, let me tell you, man. Are you still on the Netflix tour? Yes, unruly. We've got the West Coast this whole month, or the next two weeks. And then, you know, it's the Lord's Day.

It's Thanksgiving. You got to give back to Grace. All right. I'm going, I'm hitting Eugene. I got Santa Cruz, Fresno, holy shit. Look how high home is over there.

Portland. I don't know what I'm on, but man, this is great, Seattle. Look at the flying Jew. Oh, he is fucking in Zumo land.

Jesus Christ. Look at you. Oh, my God. Dude, I'm telling you, at least I get that mustache. Look at them villains. Get that mustache. What about it?

You're all right. Look like the fucking. fucking Circus Strong, man. You should have seen your face a couple of minutes ago. All the church members up in Canada. First time I'm coming to Vancouver, man. Come out and blow me out, man. Go see him.

That's the fucking town. That's the town, Jack. I heard a lot of great things about Vancouver. They're going to carry you out of the bussy. They're in Denver. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No.

No. That's it fucked up, dude. I had to go through Utah. Those cock suckers. The cops searched me. Those motherfuckers asked me if I did cocaine. I'm like, the fact that I'm this fat and can talk to you proves I

cannot do cocaine. I've never done it, okay? And then the guy asked me if I want some quaila, write my own quailudes. And I'm like, what the fuck here is this? 77? Yeah, I love, yeah, can I buy quailutes from you?

And while give me 20 fucking grams of triceratops horn, you dumb fuck, it's, there's nothing there. You know what the official quote was? The one I gave them? because I was fucked up. You know what I was fucked up on? Cold medicine.

I had a sinus infection because I just come from a goddamn Disney cruise with my kids. Okay? We flew to the fucking, we were in the Bahamas, and I was on that fucking pool, I mean that boat of germs,

okay? And I got, and then I went to flew to Denver, so I went from 82 to 12, okay? Fuck me. All right? And I had all this shit in my head.

And, oh, it was horrible. So I started off. with like all the day quill stuff okay like fucking just like dayquil Thera flu day okay like every mucinex day every day shit they

had and I dried up a little bit I wouldn't have boogers coming out of my hell okay this is the real deal okay all right all right but I start shaking I start shaking I start shaking because I'm all fucked up on all that

cold medicine so okay Okay, Coco, I'm not gonna moose it's you. I got the NyQuil out. You know, I'm trying to smooth this ride out, you know? I'm trying to fucking melt this train. And then I just take a big old swaller. A fucking NyQuil.

I played NyQuil roulette and lost, okay? And you know what my wife goes? She goes, I didn't use the measuring cup? And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Measuring cup. That's that cap on the top of the, fucking NyQuil is a measuring cup. I've never fucking

used that in my goddamn life. I didn't have no idea. Okay? I just drank it enough. You know, I go like two shots. Fuck it. Tell me when you broke gracious dog. Hey, that was your fault.

That was good ass fucking drugs you gave me. All right. That was you and gravity, motherfucker. You own that. Okay, you're a dick. And I went the only you fucked up some shit off getting out of there okay so you can suck a dick and by the way we went to that jack at the box right behind his house

because we were smelling all that fucking hell of the poppers, bullshit I don't go to that jaguarial I had to pull over I couldn't stop laughing I fucked up right now out so what happened okay okay I'll tell you what fucking happen

I tell you what I'll only different Denver, this is. You keep your balls in, motherfucker. I know nobody want to see them. All right. I see him plenty of my life. Listen, where I put Christ is out. No, man. Fuck you. Let me finish this, you, cock sucker.

All right? Because I know you don't believe me. But my wife goes, that's a measuring cup. And I'm like, well, I might be dumb, but you're a dirty bitch. I ain't never seen one in a dishwasher. That's just gross. You leave the same cap. That's disgusting.

All right? And so I was just like, fucking. hit it. But you know what? I quoted them because they were just making lines up about me. I was like, last thing I said before I head on stage, I heard was all I said was, yes, Mr. Cosby, I'd love another cocktail.

That's all I remember. And that's just, go fuck yourself. You get fucked up my ankle? Dude, I was so fucked up on ankle. You got a bottle of Michael, we'll give you a star debt. And we'll smoke a joint. It's all over. Dude, in 92, I played the hip-hop comedy stop. Steve Harvey's and Michelle McDonald's, all-black comedy club in a hotel.

Okay. And I was sitting back there with these crazy ass. Like, I met this guy that goes, yeah, my name's Willie D. All right, and he's Willie D. from the ghetto boys, okay? And then this little ass midget walks over, Bushwick Bill, okay? Sure. And he's gangster, okay? I mean, Bushwood Bill was no bullshit.

He had knives on him and shit. That little motherfucker cut your balls off. That was eye level to him. They gave you a knife one. Okay. No, no. Codeine syrup. That's the shit right.

Coedine. And we listened to fucking slow records that this guy named DJ Screw would do. But we drink that with seven up, okay, or Mountain Dew. Boom. They do a Mountain Dew so they wouldn't pass out. So he did you drink that syrup. All right. and we were fucked up.

How much would you pour in? Because I only, like, every time I get Broncos and they poured a lot in mine. Okay, they poured a lot, and they shitloaded. And a lot of them was putting that, what's that? The raspberry liqueur, like shamboard or something. They pour shamboard in it too, so you'd have canned, you'd have, like, grape soda with some shamboard and syrup. Okay. And all those fools were doing that.

All of them. It was, and it was like, I can't, I didn't even know what hit me, okay, because it didn't taste like Kool-A. And I was like, what? And they called me up on stage. And for whatever reason, it was the greatest set of the four years I've ever done comedy. And I, and I, I, I was, you know, I've been smoking weed in the back with this little crazy midget passing it because it was so funny to look at a midget when you're on coding and smoking weed. And, and, like, if the midget takes the junk, at your hand but it looks so much infinitely bigger in his hand than it ever did than yours it's

crazy like what whoa okay it's amazing but I I came in and blew the place apart got a standing ovation all right but a guy a comic came on stage who hated my fucking guts that he was like he was trying to be like the number one guy and he had tried to do everything and I blew the guy out of the fucking water Steve Harvey told me I did Okay, it was fucking unanimous. And he starts talking shit about me being fat, like making out these fat shit jokes, and the audience turns on the guy.

And then out of nowhere, you see this nickel 45, 1911, 45 caliber, come up and go, and it's Bushwick Bill, and he goes, Bring the fat white boy back. Shut the fuck off, nigger. All right? And he was about to shoot that man, okay? because that's how gangstering fucked up this guy was

and they was like okay, well fuck it I'm like, okay, where we'll be? I had nothing fucking left. What the fuck? How can you follow what you just did? I had nothing at all.

I'm like, oh, man, I love those midgets, you know? They've always got your back up to here. All right? And I got the fuck out. I was so scared. I'm like,

he's already pulled a gun once. He's going to shoot me from making a midgett. Joke at him. But he loved it because he was all fucked up and falling over and shit. It was crazy, man. Midgets, when they pass out, they just kind of like

you know, weebubbles and then they go, okay? Because that big ass, okay? You never hung out with no midgets like this? No, they creep out of them. I like them. They're good people. Let's read these crosses. Get the fuck out of here. Word to that. Great church, by the way.

Thank you for having me. Midge's getting fucked up on court. I want to drink with black people. people are drinking now. I saw it on drugs, zinc. What was it? What is it? That shit they drink in Memphis and the South. What is it? It's like a liquid codeine and they mix it with Kool-Aid. Oh, yes. They have the syrup. Yeah, that's the exact same thing they were

doing. It just you mix codeine with a drink. No, you, what you do is you get, it's cough syrup, it's cough syrup and and from from prescription. I never got fucked up on that stuff. Well, you know, I drank NyQuil as a kid. As a kid, I had discovered NyQuil when I was like nine. I remember they would help you fall asleep. Oh, so I liked it, but I didn't like the feeling in the morning. I've never chuged coating, but it's great. Just to have a, it's like a joint. It's like a joint.

Coding pills get my, I'm a dentist-in-cotein. I get so fucking, I can't eat that shit. My stomach, no, my fucking little pooper gets worn out. I can't shit and it's miserable. Fuck that. I don't do none of that shit in my mind. I don't drink something I caught medicine and shit one night. Dude, you don't want to.

Records and shit. Oh, man. That's what we used to do. Play a celebrity. Bring the horse in this motherfucker one time. Bring it back. Bring the horse in this motherfucker one time. Hey, Lee, Lee, put this song on.

Okay, this is a great song. Hold on. We got to get the fuck out of here. We'll put some stones and get the fuck out of here. All right. Let's do this real quick. For 9,000 years, that's how long humans been making wine. That's also how long they've been confused about which wine to drink. Some people get a headache after the thing.

they drink wine. I used to get a headache. One time I shoplifted a bottle of wine from Albertsons and across from Hudson County Park and I drank it with Diddy Canterra and Louis Castley and I had a headache for two fucking days. But for many of us, it's a shopping part that causes a real headache. You got too many choices. You don't know what to do. People coming over, they're serving chicken, they're serving lobster, and sometimes you go down there and wine's expensive. You went in there to buy a 20. Next thing you're dropping 60 and you got no guarantee what you're going to buy, right? Let me tell you something. It's overwhelming to pick out a good bottle of wine sometimes, especially for people who don't know it. Your own personal experience

learning about wine and why haven't you bothered to learn about wine, that type of stuff. This is what we're going to do. I joined the new wine club. It's called Clubbw. They changed the whole game. It's easy. You go to clubbw.com and you answer six questions. The algorithm Grimm, whatever you say, algorithm. Algorithm, creates a palette profile just for you. I don't know where the card is right now. It's pretty cool, man. If you ever seen anything like this,

Club W is leading the grape-to-glass wine revolution. What means is they cut out the middleman. They work directly for the vineyards, and they cut the guy out, which in turn saves you some d'ore meat. So with Club W's, you get premium wine customized to your taste at a third of what you pay for at a store when you don't even know what the hell you're paying for.

Are you with me? You're not buying, like, it sounds like a club where they send you other companies' wines. These are their wines. Like, you're not going to see these wines anywhere else. But the most interesting thing is going to their webpage. When you go to clubbw.com, you go on their page and have all these videos, informative videos, and they tell you what wines you drink, you take the test. And next thing you know, you're involved.

Which, when you don't know about that, listen, man, I grew up in a bar. I don't know nothing about wine. So when I went to Club W, I was blown away by how much interaction you have. They'll put it down to the exact thing. I mean, the nut, the grapework came from, the vineyard. Anyway, what they do is they save you money. It comes down to maybe $13 a bottle of wine and so like that. And there's even a no risk, 100% guarantee that you'll love when they send you.

So do me a favor right now. What they're doing is, for all the listeners, is they're offering 50% off your first order when you go to Club W, dot com slash Joey. So do you understand me? 50% off your first order when you go to club w.com slash joey. And this is not like fucking Columbia house

where they send you records every month even if you don't want them. You order what you want. Right. So if you think you need three bottles, you order three bottles. It's 13 a bottle to get delivered to your door and it's exactly what you like, what you're guaranteed to love or you get 100% money back guaranteed.

So again, do me a favor. You get 50% off your first order. Go to clubbw.com slash Joey. Stop wasting time and stop losing money at these retail stores and start drinking wine you know you're going to love. So go to clubbw.com slash Joey to get your 50% off, all right? I'm doing it just to get the stuff I have to bring to Thanksgiving parties. You and Paul have to do it.

No, but I'm just saying, like let's see you have to bring stuff to a party. Yeah, man. Just get three bottles of wine and then you're going to have to go to at least water to things. It takes the whole week off. There's parties every night. We're off until the start of the new year now when I used to working TV. A little bit of work, not really.

Yeah. Until the now until Thanksgiving, it'd be busy. But then after that, until... They're out. Everybody's skiing. Yep. That's good to know. Anyway, let me tell you something.

I tell you once, I'm going into a heavy season now. I go into like six weeks of flying. Oh, God. The whole thing, dog, I got my on it. I always slap without me. What's the one I take? The immune, the Shroom Tech immune. Let me tell you something.

Those planes are filthy. Those planes are filthy. If you think you get off a plane, they steam it with chemicals and they wipe down nothing. In my bag, there's a fucking deodorizer. I got a hand sanitizer to wipe everything. That's the first thing I do when I sit down now. I don't want somebody else's ass on my ass. Then I'm stinking like their fucking ass.

You got to wipe those fucking seats down. So do me if it's just bad When you fly There's a lot of human contact this time of the year Do yourself a favor Go to honor dot com Get the shroom tech immune You boost up your immune system

When you have a lot of human contact When you're flying we're out We're smoking dope with different people You hit a vapor pen You know You get sick this time of the year You lose fucking thousands of dollars Especially you Ralphie Mae

I can't afford to fucking get sick I can't So I don't take a chance I up my vitamin C when I fly and I also take Shroom Tech immune but that's not only the only thing fucking on it's got they got Shroom Tech sport which gives you more endurance when you roll lift weights walk whatever the fuck you want to do strong even when you fly it opens you up they have strong bone they have the hemp protein powder and they got alpha brain you know it's and with a hundred

percent money back guarantee the new tropics that it's off the fucking charge so do yourself a favor go to onat.com right now and press in church boom and get 10% off your first order and if you get it sent right to your fucking door you don't have to leave the house you have to go to whole food you have to do nothing what you press in Lee church beautiful number two hityss6.com what'd your dad say? He loves him

he says that because we say it's five for 50 it's half off they're usually 20 you know because it's usually like 20 bucks they're 20 apiece you get right now hity sags tremendous 1,200 guarantee puffs right here I'm smoking the refa

but right here my little fucking cigar here I'm like a doctor. I'm like Pacino and Godfather too. You just don't even fucking know it. You broke my heart, Fredo. HittiesSig.com right now. They got the tobacco. They got the cigar. All right. Then they have the tobacco

a cigarette line. It's 24, 16, 8, and 0 milligrams of nicotine. You quit smoking with it, whatever the fuck you want to do. My dad likes the flavors too. I'm telling you. And the flavors, you could switch it up. Go to hitysig's.com and press in. Joey's church. Boom! And get five for 50, which is

50% off. Naileditlife.com, the vapor kings. You want a vapor pen, you like smoke, and you like doing this, you want to see the devil, go to Naileditlif.com right now. What are they running, Lee? Tell them. When you use Cobra Joey Diaz, you're going to get 20% off the premier vapor pen on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there. And if you live in California, they are also the makers of those Gumi-Shervanos. There you go.

Joey. So listen, do yourself a favor. Please support Naileda Life. please support Hitties 6th please support on it and please go to Club W. It's a holiday season. It's beautiful wine delivered to your door. That's perfect for you. I'm here to save you guys money. I'm not trying to fucking sell you

no junk or no like that. Don't forget my main man is wearing it. No, Kiat, Peter. I'm at the end of Friday night. Go to ralphie Mae.com. Yes, for tickets. Go to ralphemead.com for everything. Go to ralphemy. Go to he's coming to your fucking neighbor. I'll pray there soon. You don't want to miss this fucking beauty. I'm in Portland Thursday through Sunday.

And I'm in New Jersey next week at the Stress Factor. You're right, guys? Hey, I love that club, man. And maybe those boys from records come out, man. I like those guys. And thank you for coming on. We got fucked up tonight. Hey, Church, you know what?

The hash fucking me up. Coco. Coco. You know, there's cameras and microphones here, but at the base of it, it's back 16, 17, 17 years, 1440. Me and you, my little glass table sitting by the window, you know. Cracking fucking jokes. Cracking fucking jokes. Only Lee's here.

Only Lee? Yeah. How are you feeling, my brother? I'm, I'm good. That's what Coco brought up the church of what's happening now. Made me a Dakin. Okay? You'd have been there.

You'd been right there with us, Lee? 15 years ago. I'm probably heavy, sir. You're a fucking gumbo. Close it up, Lee. Thank you, Ralph, for me for coming on. Don't forget. Friday night.

Anything for you, brother. I love you, Codduckus. I love you. Thank you, sir. And thank you all for having me on. I really appreciate. if you stuck around. And I know I get long wind and I'm annoying when I laugh.

So I apologize if I look. But I love him and he makes me cry laughing. So I'm sorry. Bye. This show is brought to you by ClubW. Clubbw is a one club that's changed everything. You go to clubbw.com and answer six simple questions and their algorithm creates a palette profile just for you.

Go to clubw.com right now and they're offering our listeners, 50% off of your first order. When go to clubbw.com slash Joey. So stop wasting time and money, messing around at retail stores, and start drinking wine you know you're going to love. Just go to clubbw.com slash Joey to get 50% off of your first order.

That's clubbw.com slash Joey. Go to heat e6.com. Better tasting longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. And use code. Joey Church to get five hit E6 for $50. Go to NADLIFLIFT.com and use code word Joey Diaz to get 20% off the premier rapier pan on the market.

And they are also the makers of the Lugis and Marados in California. And go to Anand.com and use Cowbird Church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like Alva Branden New Moot and ShumTek Sport. It's CodeBord Church to get 10% off.