The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #331 - Alonzo Bodden

Episode Date: November 4, 2015

Alonzo Bodden, comedian and host of the "Who's Paying Attention?" podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off and free shipping in the USA and Canada   Recorded live on 11/04/2015.   Music:   50 Cent - In Da Club Jay Z - Picasso Baby '  

He's a comedy fan. He pulled this car over on Santa Monica Boulevard. I was waiting in front of a weed store. And he pulled over and he goes, I saw you in front of this. His wife is Dominican. He's a sweetheart of a guy who's very nice, but I've always been a friend. Like, you know, he was telling me he was 14 when he did Apocalypse Now. I'll tell you, when he, you ever see him on Blackish on this TV show?

No, I heard that show is fucking phenomenal. The show is hilarious. Hilarious. But he's the grandfather, and he takes one scene every show, and he comes in and he kills it. And then he's gone. He just comes in, says the funniest shit in the show, and then he's out. I haven't even watched it. I did see Gerard Car Michaels, and I'll tell you, that's the-

Carl Michaels is a great show. Bro, fucking watch his name. What's his name? Dag. What is it? David Allen Greer? Dag. Jesus fucking Christ.

He's really funny. Now, that's a guy. You talk about a talent who can do anything? I mean, anything. Let's talk to the David Allen Greer. Hit it. Hit it. I want to rock right now.

I came to get down. What? What? Let's do it, Lisa. This show is brought to you by Onit.com. And Star 1 Edibles. And Star 1 Edibles. Go to Onet.com and also Star 1 edibles.

And use Code Word Church to get 10% off your order of great optimization products like AlfaBrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, ShumTech Sport. It's Code Word Church to get 10% off. Show is also brought to you by MeUndies. Go to Meundies.com slash Joey. to get 20% off of your first order of men's and women's underwear, t-shirts, socks, and they're also offering you free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to meandies.com slash joey. That's the vehicle that I've been, that's the one I should have rode a while time ago.

Oh shit, I feel it. You feel it? Oh, shit. What do you got, Lee? What do you got, Lee? Oh, shit. Look at my shoulders. It's Lee. Oh, shit. Lee. Check it out the other way. Coming at you, Lee. Oh, shit. Oh, oh, shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. The church, bitches, afternoon session. Alonzo Bowden's a flying June.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck it. Lee, do it. The spirit's taking me. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. What's happening? You bad motherfuckers.

The church of what's happening now? Uncle Joey. Lee Syed, Alonzo Bowden, tremendous comedian. Thank you for coming in today. Absolutely. Listen, we're just going to start right this motherfucker off. We were talking about David Allen Greer. If you have not watched the Carmichael's...

What's the name of it? Yeah, the Carmichael show. He plays the father, and it's like, listen, a player comes into the league. They make a big Wahoo about him when he's 21. He wins rookie of the year. For three years, he does really well. Then he gets hurt for two years. And then his wife leaves him, and he fucks the maid.

So for four years, yeah. He bats 261, and he gets his 31 home runs. You know, but it's not, you know this motherfucker. Yeah. But also, one day, he turns 30. He turns 30. And now, he meets some fucking white woman. Something happens.

You know, that's what happened to me. I met a great little white woman. Everything's fine. Everything changed. And all of a sudden, bro, you go from hitting 261 to hitting 361, and nobody could figure it out. And it's because, you know what? man, anything you're doing in life is peaks and valleys. But that comes to a point when everything you're doing is good.

And if you watch that, that's what happened to David Allen Greer. But see, I don't even know if that happened to him or if he just didn't get that shot. There was a period where, I mean, because if you look at his career and look at what he's done, forget about a living color because he killed that. Now that was 20 years. He killed that. Just to be around 20 years later. But even look at early movies like, did you see Jumanji when he's, when he was.

he played the cop against Robin Williams. How long ago was that? That's a long. And you just, or boomerang? Boomerang. And you're like, why didn't he get more movies? You know, it wasn't like he did anything wrong. Like, who knows how Hollywood works, but why didn't he get any movies for that period?

But, and the other thing about David Ongrier, he can kill it on either end, right? He can be funny, but then he can be real, you know. And now, now he's, I mean, he's killing on the Carmichols. And then he's going to do the whiz live on TV. Like, you know how scary that shit is to be live on TV doing a musical? Like, how easy is that to fuck up? Now, who else is in the whiz? I think Queen Latifah is going to be in it.

And then I don't know who else is doing it. But they're redoing it live on. But, yeah, he, I mean, dad kills it. You know what, where I had the most respect for him, after he did Living Color, I don't know if he was a stand-up or if. he did it, but he was like, he used to come to the laugh factory and just like work out, like play. And he said, man, they offer me a lot of money to do this shit. I got to learn how to do this shit.

And I respected the fact that he said that and did that. Like he became a good stand-up because how many people would just ride on the TV fame and not give a shit about being funny? You know what I mean? Like, he came off the biggest show in the 90s, right? So he could have just going on stage and said, hi, I'm David Allen Greer and talk shit for 20 minutes. and they give him 50 grand. But he actually worked at becoming a great stand-up, becoming a great stand-up.

So I got mad. Well, if you watch him on the car Michaels, one thing comes to mind that he's a student of the game. All right. When you have a... There's two type of people that come to come and get a check, and there's people that are a student of the fucking game. They're the ones that you see on the sitcom eight years ago,

and then they pop them in a movie, and they kill it on something. You're like, damn! You thought that died disappeared. Then you look up what he's been doing. He's been in France playing the bongos for... And that's what you do. Instead of fighting against a wave.

See, a lot of people come off a TV show and they're like, where's my shot? You just made $10 million in syndication. Go. Go away. Go learn how to play the fucking drums. Go do something. Because whatever they give you, you're going to force that hand. Unless you're the chick from Seinfeld

or the chick from the soprano's, the mother. Right. They went right into another sitcom, syndicated that motherfucker. Here's another paycheck for you. The chick from Seinfeld. I'll tell you the one. Katie Seagal from Married with Children

That's right Has never not been on TV Since that show She's never not been on TV She did Married with Children Then she was the voice on that cartoon Futurama And then she had like

What was the Sons of Anarchy And she had something else Oh wasn't she on the John Ritter series When John Ritter had his second I don't know Yeah She's never been off TV since Married

with children. That's 30 fucking year, 25 years. Yeah. Hey, listen, that's a career. This, that's what people do. That's a career. That's what people do. And you have to figure that you get that much better.

Can you imagine Katie Seagall on the screen on the set of sons of sons of Anarchy? She knew the whole fucking thing. Yeah. You walk, listen, man, I'm going to tell you something. You know, I'm honest with Lee. I tell you how it is. I got here to the town. I was never an extra.

You know, I just never saw the fucking thing. for it. People kept coming up to me, man, we could put you an extra. I was like, I ain't come here to be a motherfucking expert. Let me try to stand-up shit out, and then I'll get back to you. And then you book shit, you know, and that was 1997, you know, the first time I booked a movie.

I'm going to tell you, just for people at home, the first time I booked the movie, I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. And I'm telling you boat to your fate. You know what movie it was? It was baseball. Yeah. The movie with the fucking dudes from South. part. You know, and they're brighting

on this fame, and I'm sitting there thinking to my sister, what the fuck am I doing? I got a roller skate. You know, and all this shit. And finally I told him, I ain't roller skating. But the day they called me, I ain't going to lie to nobody in this room. I didn't know action.

I didn't know cut. I didn't know step on your mark. They kept saying, step on your mark. What are you talking about? What mark? What is this a fucking race? I don't see no fucking marks here. What I didn't know.

Alonzo, nothing. You know how I learned all that shit? Tell me. My first job, my day job, like I used to be in airplanes. I used to be an airplane. I was an airplane mechanic. Then I started doing stand-up. I said, I'm not going to work on planes again.

I just made a promise to myself. Because if I did that, then I'd go back to it. You know, because it was money. Right. It was too easy. So my boy was working on the show Power Rangers on the kids show. And he calls me up and he says, hey, man, can you drive a U-Haul? And I was like, yeah.

He said, all right, that's the same size as a camera truck. I'm hiring you to drive the camera. truck and he got me on the show and because I was on the crew and you just you drive the truck and you park it you know how it works then you drivers sit around all day and I learned what everybody

does like I was like that that's when I learned like at the end of the movie when you see all those crazy credits you know best boy key grip key makeup what the fuck is the best boy is the assistant to the key grip what's a key grip the key grip the main grip the main guy he's the key guy

I thought the director was the main guy. No, of the grips. The grips is like a crew. Sound, right? Is it laying or sound? No, grips are the guys who set up everything. Like when they say, we're moving the scenes and they got to move lights and electrical shit and all that, you know, move the cameras and blah. That's all the grips. And you know why they call them grips?

Because they grip it. Like, I learned, I'm telling you, I learned all of this shit just hanging around the set, talking to people, watching people, and you learn what they do. And that's how I learned. Everything about production, I learned being a truck driver on a production. Alonzo, I know, and this is for people at home, just so you know, like once I got basketball, I didn't know Dick. Then I shot Bronx County. Yeah.

And I didn't know Dick. But the one that became evident. And then after that, I went on the road for like 10 months, came back and got into an acting class. Now, the acting class helped me. And then I booked a recurring plumber on an NBC show with a bunch of stars kids. The kid from, was it, Anger Management, one of those Adam Sandler movies, he played the steroid kid when he's in Hawaii. And he plays the brother to the fucking girl that's half retarded and Adam Sandler's dating her, whatever.

You didn't watch that movie with Adam Sandler? I know that movie. You watch all that shit. You never watched that one? Oh, 50 First Dates? 50 First Dates. the white kid he was in the show

it was stars kids Bella Fonte Belafonte's daughter was on the show Somebody else's daughter was on the show Oh my God It was fucking amazing No no Sidney Portier's daughter

Oh okay Sidney fucking Portier's daughter Was on the show So I'm working with all these stars shows I'm the plumber I booked episode 6, 7 and 8 Alonzo was going to change my fucking career I was already telling

Motherfony I was listening in four or five weeks I'm bumping you you motherfucker. Right? Isn't that how it feels, though? Whenever you get it, you feel like, yep, this is it.

Because when I came here in 1997, they go, here's the deal. You get on a TV show as a plumber. You do four, five, six episodes. Next thing you know, you're selling tickets. You go on the road. Yeah. You make money.

Okay, so I get here, I shoot a fucking movie, it comes out, I get nothing. Nobody comes to see me. Then I shoot a pilot. It's going to be the biggest pilot in Seabre's history. It don't get picked up.

How the fuck do you go from giving the director a million dollars? It's going to compete with NYPD Blue and then it just don't get picked up. That's how this business works. That's how this business works. So now, boom, I pick up Mad TV. I still nothing crack a lax. Just some people go, hey, you were funny on Mad TV. But then all of a sudden I got a call from NBC.

Go down there on a Monday. I didn't want to go down there. I'm like, I don't want to go down there. I play no fucking Mexican plumber. And I walk in and the ladies are like, what's the problem? I don't want to come read for this. You're not going to give me. It's a waste of my time.

And she goes, read the thing. And I read it. And she's like, read it again. You got a call back on Monday to producers. Next time coming here with a better attitude. And I booked it. So now I got this fucking thing. And Alonzo, I swear to God.

This is my third job in L.A. I got a sad card. Yeah. So a few people at home that think that we're pulling miracles. And when you see this fucking dude on TV, I got high. I didn't know nothing. I didn't know nothing, guys. I didn't know nothing, guys.

I didn't know nobody. I remember them saying, Joey, something, action cut, something about the line, the market, and then finally somebody pulled me over. And they're like, you did great in the audition. What the hell is going on with you? And I'm like, I have no idea what I'm doing. They go, all right, they broke it down. And after that, I was good to go and shit, you know what I'm saying?

But I didn't know nothing. Here I got three episodes on the 7BC show. I didn't know nothing, Alonzo. And nobody teaches you. They just assume when you walk in. But, you know, you're good at the hard part. The hard part is the audition. Once you get the job, you can do the job, and they'll work with you to do.

But the hard part is that audition in the room, and I can't audition for shit. You ever go to court, don't? Court? Yeah. Yeah. You ever go in front of a judge? Yeah. It's a motherfucker ain't.

The suspense. Same thing with an audition. See, I got good an audition from going to court. That's the Uncle Joey. I should have went to court more off. Yeah, that's the uncle Joey. It's the same difference, right? Hey, kids, one more reason to break the law.

No, no. You want an acting career? You won't an acting career No, no, no, no, no. You drop out of school and start stealing shit right now. Can you fucking believe that shit for the late-night TV commercial? No, I just made it. Hey, just petty shit, though.

You don't want to do time. You just want to be in front of them. It's hilarious how it's the same thing. I always, when I go to a fucking audition and they make me sit outside, Lee, every minute I'm sitting there, I'm boiling. I never heard that before. I'm boiling. I start boiling a lot.

And I look at the people. I'll see somebody that's a star in. I'll see somebody that's a star in. in a movie like he did a big movie and then I start feeling bad about myself right and like oh fuck this guy probably went to Juilliard you know I learned how to do comedy at a fucking

halfway house and Van de Chubbock in the comedy store you know you just am watching trains planes and automobiles and Sanford and the son and all of a sudden you start getting these doubts and all of a sudden my blood pressure starts going out of dog and I'm like you know what I followed Paul Mooney for two years at the store

of midnight I did half time of Buffalo Sabre game you survived that shit you can survive anything. Fuck this motherfucker. Fuck this bitch. That's how I got Spider-Man 2. Yeah. I almost had a nervous breakdown

in the auditioning room with Spider-Man 2. It went into overtime. You ever go to an audition? They're like, we're running late, and you're like 4.45, and you're still there at 6 o'clock. I got so pissed from being there. Lee, I'm thinking about the 405 traffic.

I'm boiling. Then Paulie walks in from the Sopranos. The big guy from Ocean's 11. So I waited all the way here to 6 o'clock To fucking for these motherfuckers to walk in And bump me on the audition When Paulie from the soprano's walked out I had a Yankee hat on

And that lady goes, Joey Diaz, you ready to read this? I go, yeah, and I was so fucking pissed That when I went back, I knocked the couch over So she goes, do it again And I go, you want me to knock the couch over? She goes, fuck, yeah, let the director see what I just saw The next day, boom, Spider-Man too. And I just, I got so pissed, Alonzo, from being there, like, it was 445.

And, you know, Sony. Yeah. You know what's going to Sony's like, dog. Getting out of fucking Sony, National Avenue there. Yeah. So usually we... Especially at 6 o'clock. Oh, my God, but you know what?

Your Uncle Joey, you make it right and go on to Venice and get some Cuban food on Versaig. On the number 25, Tecanecom Papa. Fuck, yeah. What the fuck are you going to do in Venice? Go up against traffic? You get stuck down to Venice Boulevard. You're deep. Deep. Where do you live? You live up here?

I live up here. Oh, yeah. So you're deep. You get stuck down there at 445. What are you going to do? Sitting your car and call your agent and tell them how you... You know what? Let me go to Versailles. Let me at least make the fucking ride. It's like in the old days when I made you go to Abbott County and video down there. They had a pizza, pizza on bagel. Yeah, yeah, I haven't tried it. Oh, shit. This is 15 years ago, Lee.

It's still there. I know it's still there, but this is when Venice Boulevard was dead. Yeah. I shot a Taco Bell commercial in the summer in 98. And they go, if you don't want to eat this shit, walk down and get a piece of pizza, and I almost died. And so every time I got a call, in those days, there was two offices in Abak County.

They used to always call me in. So that's what you do? What times do you audition? 1130, perfect. I got lunch down in the Abitana. I got two slices of pizza and a Coke and shit. Yeah, the funniest, the two auditions I knew where it was just,

I was laughing about how wrong it was. One of them, this had to be, 98 99 I'm at NBC they want moving men big guy that's what that's all it says right big guy what year was this it's 98 99 something like that back then with steve mohroo I don't I don't know but I'm in the in the waiting room Michael Clark Duncan walks in Michael Clark Duncan 6 9 320 like he had like 20 inch biceps like you you know you know I'm talking about green mile So I was like... This is before Green Mountain?

This is before Green Mountain. This is before he's done anything. Nobody knows who he is. But I'm sitting in the waiting room and we're looking around and I went to the receptionist. Why are we here? Like you said big guy, what? Did you see what the fuck? I said, I could play the big guys bitch.

And she was just cracking up. I said, did you see the size of that guy who just walked in? And he was laughing. You know, he was laughing. It was like, why are we even here when he just walked in? And then there was another one that I went up for. and it was like it was a cop or it was something one of those roles you know I get called in for that and the brother came in who had been the chief of police on NYPD blue remember the black guy

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and I'm like why are we here yeah I tell dick jokes like that that's a fucking actor right like you know what I mean when you sit there when you're looking like that's an actor that guy's for real that guy did it like what you know but you you go in and you take a shot right you never know did you take that you never know yes I took some acting. For how long? Actually, for about a year and a half, I had a great acting teacher. Her name's Janet Alhante.

And Janet's thing was she would take people from one thing and train them to do something else. Like she trained meatloaf for, what was that fucking movie, the fight movie, the fight club. And she worked with like models when they wanted a model to become an actress or whatever. So she was good. She knew how to work with comedians. But the cool thing about her, you know how you guys? some of these acting coaches that are like, all right, you're a comedian. I don't want you to do comedy. I want you to do drama or whatever. And she was like, no, she said, look, you can do some comedy

because it's what you do. But she had me doing a fellow, which that was the thing that blew my mind, because, like, I had never thought of doing Shakespeare. And she pushed me to that level. But then what happened was stand-up started to get real hot. This was in the days of Dublin's, right? Then I went into Last Comic Standing, and she said, look, that's what you're doing. That's what you're doing. She said, you are so deep into that. You know, you know how they talk. She's like, your muscle is all working comedy now. So when, if you want to do this, come back to this. But for now, just do that. Because the other problem was, you know, in acting class, you've got to work scenes with people, right? Well, if you're doing stand-up and you're

traveling every week, you can't rehearse with people, you can't do. So now I'm doing monologues and shit. And I'm kind of like, why am I paying you to do monologues when I do a monologue every night. She was great though. She was cool. But one of the things you learned as an actor is we were talking about this before. You learn respect for great actors.

Like people don't, people who watch a movie, watch a TV show, but don't see it made, don't understand what a great actor is. But when you get like we were talking about Fishburn or Don Cheadle or now you got Idris Elba and you got Denzel, these brothers can do, like when they do a scene, when they bring that emotion,

people don't see they brought that emotion nine times you know what i mean would it would take one take two not to interrupt you a d zelda is the the dude that denzel shoots an american gangster down the block no adreis elba is the brother who was uh he started with the wire he was uh stringer bell on the wire all right all right and uh what was he in i don't even know what he was in most recently he's been in a bunch of stuff recently he works a ton he was in that pacific rim movie with the robots he He does all kind of stuff. He did a great series in the U.K. called Luther.

It was a British series. Because he's a British actor. No shit. Who plays a black American. Like, he can switch between, you know, Brit and America. So who was the dude he shot in that scene that came in? I can't remember.

I know who you're talking about, but I can't remember who that guy was. Because he's one of those dudes that if you grew up in that area, I saw that. When was it an American gangster? In America, when he comes into the diner the first time and breaks his balls,

and then he goes from now and you got to pay this and he goes listen that's more than I was paying whatever and then finally he goes up to him with a jar and puts on the street and he goes if I don't have my money I'm a boy your fucking brains out and he goes right here in front of everybody on a hundred and fifty bam and he fucking shoots him that was when Denzo because Denzo would have breakfast in that diner every morning and he like took his napkin off folded

tremendous tremendous just walked outside to the next block blasted him and nobody said shit In 1970, if you know that neighbor, those people, by the time the cops came, that body would be stiff, bleeding, nobody saw fucking, beautiful. But that dude, when I heard him talk to first, because when I saw him, I go, that dude's beautiful.

He's on in 40s. I can't remember his name, but yeah, he's, he works. And then he did a movie with a white chick. He was fucking the white chick and the wife in him. Yeah, Beyonce. Beyonce played the fucking wife. That's Idris. That's Adris Elba. But I don't think Adriselva was in American Gangster.

Yeah. Was it him? Yeah. Maybe it was. Fuck yeah. He keeps going up to him and fucking with him a little bit. Oh, first at the party. That's when the shit started.

When he put the drink on the table and Denzel came over, wiped it and put the drink on the fucking coaster. That's when it started. And then he said something to him. Why don't you go over in there and get me a drink or something? He had been fucking with Denzel for a while. He was. He was tango. Tango. Tango. Tango. You know that's unreasonable. Tango. Yes. He's tremendous.

The fuck. Well, fuck me up. Is that that dude, when I heard him talk off camera, he's British. And it fucked me up. With all the black dudes we got out of work here, they got to go over the fucking Ireland. They got a mother black motherfucker. You know, that shit kills me. Because that's all you need. You could be from New York and just come up with a chip, chip chally-ho and tell him you're black.

And from England, they'll stop your dick. They'll jump up and down. Regular black kinfolk get no luck. But you show up with Chip Chally Ho. And you used to hang out with Seal. And, you know, next thing you know, everybody's sucking your dick. They got fucking cuts. What's up, Alonzo?

It's good to have you in here. It's good to have some fucking... Chaldy Ho. I think that's the only thing I'm taking for this podcast. Chip, Chip Chitty Ho. The fuck. So you're a Queens boy, born and raised. I'm a Queens boy.

St. Auburn's Queens. Jesus Christ. St. Aubin's Queens. Absolutely. Grew up a Mets fan. We were talking about the Mets the other night and the trip. Literally, let me tell you how literally I grew up with the Mets. Me and the Mets were both born in Queens in 1962. That's how tied I am to the Mets. When I was a kid, we used to go to Mets games all the time.

How much we did? Tell these people, tell America, the fucking Dodgers want to raise their ticket prices again. I saw that this morning. I'm like, families can't go to a game. I'm in your family. five of us. And everybody went to the game. Yeah, back then it was what, five or eight bucks or something something like that? You go to, yeah, you go

to the game. You're never, you're never going to catch a ball. You're never going to catch a ball. You ain't sitting, you ain't sitting in box seats. You remember back of the day when you walked in a stadium, you always looked for the stairs going up. Me and my boy, we joke about that now because we go, I go to a lot of Clipper games and it's like, man, remember back in the day when we used to just walk in and you didn't even look down. You knew you knew you were going up

seven flights of stairs. I couldn't do that shit today. I could not do that shit. Now you go down toward the floor. You're like, yeah, this is, we're living good. But yeah, man, I used to, I used to do that. You know, St. Albans, this is a funny thing about St. Albans.

It's funny he was playing Fitty at the beginning. I tell everybody, like, St. Albans wasn't the hood till 50 cents said it was the hood. Like, we were just a working class black neighborhood. Like, my boys who were from the South Bronx, from up in Harlem, from Brooklyn and shit, Like they were like, man, you lived in the suburbs. You had a fucking lawn.

You had a garage in the back of the house. Like, yeah, I know. Is that what 50s from? I know, Queens? He's, I don't know where he's from. That's where he got shot. He got shot there. Yeah, he got shot there.

But yeah, so mine, and the other, there's a nicer part of St. Alvin. It's not the part I lived in. But there's another part where back when shit was segregated, it was where rich black people lived. So James Brown had a house there. Willie Mays had a house there. Miles Davis, I think his wife had a house

You know what I mean? It was like, it was literally where black celebrities live Because they weren't allowed to live in the white areas. So there was a, I didn't live in that part of St. Ormond's But there was a part where these houses were like fucking mansions, you know. But yeah, that's where I grew up. And then came here when I was 18. Came here two weeks after high school.

Oh, shit. Yeah, two weeks after high school. Oh, I want to go back to something with you, 69 matches. there? I wasn't at the game but I absolutely remember at 69, yeah, Ed Cranepool, Ron Sorbota, Tommy Agee, Cleon Jones,

Siever, and the worst trade ever in history of baseball. Well, no, second worst trade after Babe Ruth, say, this Nolan Ryan kid's kind of wild. We get rid of his ass. Remember? Nolan Ryan was a Met. Nolan Ryan was a Met. Nolan Ryan was a Met. Who did they get for him?

Exactly. I don't know. But Nolan Ryan had a hundred mile an hour fastball, but you never knew where it was going to go. You know, but then he left and he went to the Angels and five no-hitters later. They were like, man, we probably should have kept that Ryan, kid. I go back with the Mets, like the Mets and my mom was Cuban, so the baseball vibe was alive in the house. At the bar she had, it was the argument of the day. You know, it was the argument of the day, but fuck you. So, you know, I go back at Cranpool, Tug McGraw.

Yeah. The fucking Mets she hated the most was a guy by the name of George Theodore, the Stork. Yeah. He played the outfield. And his career ended because he banged heads. He either fucking banged his head against the wall or against, I remember I had the chicken pox that week. He was tall and lanky. The Mets were, I don't know.

The best, the best Mets game I ever went to, and I'll always remember, I was at the game. It was a Mother's Day. when Willie Mays came back. When Willie Mays came back from the Giants and they played for the Mets and he hit a home run and the stadium didn't cheer. They cried.

It was like Willie's home. You know, that was, I'll never forget that. I'll never forget. When he hit that home run, everybody just fucking lost it. I remember Louis Maze coming back to the Mets. And the most fun, the most fun met that I love. Me and my brother still talk about him,

Dave Kingman. Remember Dave Kingman? Big white guy. Fuck yeah. He's a strike out. He got traded to Chicago. He got to Chicago later on. He'd strike out 45 times and then the 46th time he'd hit a home run 600 feet.

Oh my God. When Kingman hit shit, shit kept going. It couldn't catch a fly ball. Never forget there was an announcer one time Kingman was in the outfield. And they were playing the clip. They said, today Dave Kingman was attacked by a flyball. They showed him looking. But man, when Kong Kingman hit the ball, I mean, that shit was like, it was tape measure.

It was, he could hit a baseball five to 600 feet. And it was just, and you loved it. But that was always a Mets, right? The Yankees were always solid. The Mets always had characters. So why did you guys choose the Mets over the Yankees? Because it was where you grew up in New York. Because I grew up in Queens, and the Mets were in Queens.

My mom was in Manhattan, but then we grew up in Jersey. but my mom was always a Met fan. The house was supposed to be a Met Red Sox house. My house was by law, because that's how most houses are. The Cuban houses, you're supposed to like, I wasn't a Met fan. I was, because my mom was too much of a Met fan,

I didn't want to jump on board. But I liked, like, like, Tug McGraw was my favorite. Tug McGraw used to fucking hit his glove. Anybody see the Rocket Pitch live? Yeah. When you see the Rockett? Rocket pitched live, the big white dude that got traded to Boston. You really get to see, you don't see that on the camera.

He pitched something completely different than what you saw on your home TV. The Rocket, what's his name? Roger Clemens. Roger Clemens used to fuck with batters. Clemens was old school. Old school. And Clemens, he's the one who punked the Mets. He punked Mike Piazza in the 2000 World Series.

and that changed the whole thing. When he threw the ball at Piazza, and Piazza didn't rush the mound, when Clemens stood up there like, fuck you're going to do. And Piazza dropped his bat and went to first base, and Piazza was the leader of the Mets. He was the best hitter on the team.

Then the whole shit went. And then it was literally like Roger was like, I got you. Like that was he used to post the mound. Roger Clemens was that old school, like when back then, they didn't fuck around. They'd throw that shit right at your head and stand and look at what the fuck you're going to do. And if you didn't rush him or throw a bath or something, you lost the war.

It was all psychologically. I saw him pitch when he was in Boston. I saw him here one time, a couple against the Dodgers. I don't know who he was with. We played against the Dodgers. And he would, I didn't see it that time. When he went to Houston, my friend had tickets behind the fucking man, the catchers play. And Lee, the shit he would do.

The shit he would do. He would walk towards you and then walk back and not fucking break contact with you shit. I grew up hating him. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He had already left the Red Sox. When I started, like, paying attention to baseball, he was with the Yankees. And he was killing you. Oh, yeah.

But I'm going to tell you. I used to hate him. I'll tell you. He was so good. I'll tell you who was better and who would have been, there's two players that would have been first valid Hall of Fame, Dwight Gooden and Darryl Straubber. and Dwight Gooden, he only had two pitches.

He was like, look, I'm going to either a fastball or a curve. And you are not going to be able to hit him. What was his rookie season? He was like 20 and 3 or something crazy. How old was he was 19? 19. He was 19.

Ladies and gentlemen. 19. Dwight Gooden was the most of them. But, you know, cocaine fucked him up. But he was better than Clemens. When they both pitched, when he wasn't fucked up, he was better. So his rookie year,

1984 he was 17 and 9 with a 2.6 ERA 7 complete games three shutouts he had they wouldn't allow that now

now they'd be like oh you 100 pitches you got to sit down seven complete games 218 innings 276 strikeouts baseball has changed you know like everything else

the NBA changed The strategy of the game has changed. But Dwight Gooden... But for a 19-year-old rookie... He was amazing. I mean, he... Dwight Gooden was like... What did we just witness last week?

What did we just witness with the six games we witnessed? How many games they play? Five, six... I got to say, it was five. My brother called it. My brother called it. My brother said, man, the Mets can't catch the ball. He said, it's going to fucking catch up.

He said, sooner or later, it's going to catch up to him. And when they start, when first... you had the, well, the bad omen was Cespitus on the first hit into the outfield when Cespitis misplated and it was an influx inside the park home run. That was kind of like God saying, yeah, this ain't going to go well. I'm going to ask you something. But then you had Daniel Murphy, ball goes through its legs because he doesn't get, but it was, it was fundamental shit. The ball went through his legs because he didn't get the glove on the

ground. Like when you're a little league kid, what do they teach you? Get in front of the ball, put your glove on, you know. Put your knee down. You had blocked the ball. Then you had Cespitus kicking shit in the outfield. And they love Cisputis throughout the season. Yeah. He was hitting the ball of the park.

Cespitus was great. But Cis was great. But Cisputus thing, he doesn't die for the ball. He reaches for the ball. So if you reach for it and you miss, the shit's going to, then a single turns into a double or a triple. You know, and that's what killed the Mets. And C.C., the respect I give Casey is every time the Mets made a mistake, Casey scored. Casey never let.

Who Casey did? I don't know who. Cincinnati rents. Think so. Listen. Some things get figured. When I was growing up, you go to Kung Fu. The first thing they teach is a sweep.

You set the guy up with two sidekicks. Now the guy is looking for sidekicks. And all of a sudden you do a spinning thing. He goes for the sidekick and you take his front leg out. He's on his fucking head. Everybody was doing that. That's what you practice. Just spinning around the fucking floor and sweeping motherfuckers.

They don't do that no more. Well, guess what else? People don't do in baseball no more. The most important thing in baseball is, me, with my mind, the first thing I do if I get a baseball team is the first guy has

to fucking hit singles and he has to steal a, K.A. Joe Morgan. This is the blueprint. This is the fucking blueprint. I need somebody who's going to torment pitches. Listen, I remember and I tell Lee all the time, there's a classic

Cincinnati Red Game on classic ESPN, where you could see when they took the picture out against the Reds. Like after the lineup had been up against them two times. Like the Reds would take you two times. You'd see the same battered two times. That's unheard of in an inning.

And it was all done with bunts and steals. And stupidity. Nobody was hitting home runs for the Reds. Eric Foster, whatever. George Foster. Nobody was a home run hitter. People was a home run. No, Johnny Bench could hit it. Johnny Bench could hit a home run. That's it. Plummer was no harm run. Tony Perez was it. Geronimo was it.

They just hit and steal and they stole and they tormented you till the pitcher finally goes, you know what? Take me out. I'm done. I don't need this in my life. This is, fuck. This ain't baseball. This is torment. But even that, even that though. The Mets, like, okay, so you got a guy

steal second. Forget him. There's two outs. Just get the batter out. You know what I mean? Fuck the guy. They fell apart. They fell apart. They fell apart. They fell apart on fundamental fundamental shit, not turning a double play, and

that's what killed them. And the Mets depend on hitting the home runs, and the home run hitters disappeared. Cespitus wasn't hitting it out. Murphy stopped hitting it out. Well, did the Royals make the playoffs last year? Yeah, the Royals lost the World Series to San Francisco last year. So do you think it was like, they weren't

ready to be there? Oh, they said that, well, one thing is, they always say that you learn. They say the first time you go. Like, you think you know, but when you get on that stage, when it's that big and everyone's looking at you. Some people can handle it. Some people can't. There's a lot that goes into.

Fucking Jim Kelly, Buffalo Bills, right? Jim Kelly went to the Super Bowl every year. Never figured it out. Never figured out. Joe Montana went to the Super Bowl every year. Never lost. Fucking Elway went four times. He lost and then came back in one three or four

or whatever. Elway learned. You know, it's, I mean, it's big. It's big. Everyone's looking at you. The whole world's looking at you. And when you play for New York, not only is the whole world looking at you, like, the New York press, like, we will turn on you. You know what I mean? And make pictures of you and shit. What was that song?

What have you done for me lately? Fuck last week's home run. What? It's a horrible. It's a horrible thing. Remember Randy Johnson went to the Yankees and couldn't pitch the 6'10 guy from Seattle? Yeah. He went to the Yankees. He had never been under that kind of pressure. And then he went to Arizona and he started pitching again. He said he could not handle the pressure of New York press, you know, every day. I watched something interesting last night when I got home. I stayed up and watched this. I know you know about it because you're a sports fanatic. You might have been too young for this.

I did all my time in Boulder when I got arrested and shit. So I was going through, I lived in Boulder ever since 85. You got to clock me in Boulder for being. Full-time, it was 87. And what are you doing when you're in a town? You pay attention to football. I paid attention to the Broncos at that time, and I paid attention to the Colorado Buffalo. Last night I walked in the house from the Comedy Store, and I'm going through, you know, I'm like,

I could go to bed, but I like to unwind a little bit, and 30 for 30. Oh, yeah. Bill McCarthy. And I started watching, I still remember Salonessie, he got stomach cancer and they passed the ball. Lee, this is a fucking great story. I mean, then they lost the national championship to Notre Dame.

And what they do, they came back to next year. But they were three one and one in what happened, the fifth down game. You remember that? Yeah. Lee don't remember that. You shit. Lee, five downs and they got away with it. And then they attacked the guy because he was a Christian.

And he's like, I ain't overtaking the game. I spiked it on the fourth down. Who spikes the ball on the fucking point down? Lee, it's fucking. amazing. I have forgotten all about it. And they got away with it? Yeah. They got away. And that this was before replays or anything

like that. So all you had to do was snap the ball. And they got five downs. Lee, tremendous. I'm sitting there going, you know what? I was going to go to bed at 1130? Fuck, I'm going to watch it all the way through. But it was, they told the two stories

at once, which I didn't finish. I talked to my buddy today in Boulder. And we were talking about like, that team was amazing. And they came back to next year and they beat Notre Dame on Ishmael. That was the play. Rocket fucking won it. Notre Dame had the fucking game, but they called it back.

They called it back. The fucking final player of the game about clipping. Who gets called back on a fucking punt return clipping in the last player of the game? And Colorado Buffalo. Has anyone been that fast since, Rocket Ismail?

What happened to him? Nothing. He's around. You know where I saw him on one of those Bo Jackson football commercials. You know, watch the game with Bo. He's on one of those. What team did he go after that? Rocket, I think he finished his career with Dallas. I think his pro career ended

with Dallas. I think he was a Raider and then a cowboy. I was doing my thing. But he was, I blacked out of sports. But he was so fast. Like he would just, he was a little guy, right? He was like, what, six feet, maybe 160, something like, if he was six feet. But he would

literally run past people. Like, it was amazing. Like, he would just run past people. Like, they were right there, and it was like, he's gone. And that's what Chad Brown was saying. Chad Brown said, I had him. Simple tackle, one, you know, tackle 101. I had him.

But he broke out of the tackle. Yeah. And Chad Brown said, I felt terrible. And I looked up, and also McCarty goes, but I did what any good coach did. I looked around the field, and there it was a flag. And we, that's what saved us, a clipping on Notre Dame. the Colorado Buffalo's one. But the daughter, this is crazy.

I remember I moved to Boulder and the girl I was dating, her family used to go to Sacred Heart Church. I started going to Sacred Heart Church. And then he goes, that's the coach. And he's coming with his whole family, had a couple kids. Then the fucking shit started with the daughter.

She had the kid with the football player that died. But then she decided to have another kid on a football player. Then to top it off, another kid. with a football player. This was crazy. The same football player or multiple? No, the first one died.

So he was Hawaiian. He was from Ocean Side. Salon Nesty was whatever those people with the Togas and the whole fucking thing. Samoan. Samoan. And then the second kid was a black kid, presumed. Then she had a white kid. Then she had another kid with another football player.

Finally they had to put her in the, my daughter's fucking too many football player with this relocation program and shit. But then he started promise keepers and the whole fucking thing and you know you Christian Lee? No. Okay, just asking just to. I didn't know if you were a promise keeper, you know what the fuck did you start comedy, Alonzo? 18. What the fuck made you go?

I'm going to California from Queens. I grew up. I went to aviation high school in Long Island City, got my licenses to fix airplanes. And Lockheed, which used to be right over here in Burbank, hired me. They hired me. They said, you get to L.A., you got a job waiting. you know, so you know all I had to do was tell that to my dad. 18th birthday, got a trunk to pack my shit in a one-way plane ticket.

Happy birthday, you're a man. And I came out here. When did you decide to go to that high school? When I was, what happened, my boy's dad worked for TWA. And he had a new Cadillac every year. And I didn't like school. I was good at school, but I didn't like it. And he said, listen, I fix airplanes and I make a lot of money.

It's a good job. And he said, all you got to do is go to this school, get your licenses, and you can do this. And it was like, okay. And now when I look back, you know how crazy that shit is to be 14 and make a decision of what you're going to do? You know what I mean? Like a career decision. But you know, back in New York, they had, Lee, they had high schools for anything. There was aviation.

There was automotive. There was Queens vocational where you could learn shit like plumbing and electrical and stuff. The famous one was performing arts. Really? They were performing arts, you know, for perfect. had a um berkstrom which was like a business school like they had that you could go to high school almost and specialize in what you wanted to do and you had to take tests like you had to get in it wasn't like you could just walk in that's why all of that's gone now because they did away with

the testing so but anyway i got hired by lockheed i moved out here i started building airplanes um shit was good and then um after about 10 years i was training new guys and making them laugh. And I said, I want to start comedy. And that's how it came about from training. Now, when did the truck come in? The fucking truck. You drive the truck.

That was after I got, okay, so I'm working for McDonald-Douglas, and I do comedy my first time, and then I get laid off by McDonald-Douglas. Right? So now I don't have a job, but I don't want to fix airplanes again, and I'm looking like you're doing anything, you know, you fucking hustle.

Listen, I fucking painted addresses on the curb. Now, what you were, It was 93. Ninety-three. Wow. And then when my boy called me about Power Rangers, I went and did it. And this is when the show first started. Okay, this was when it was a pilot in the first six episodes.

I worked as a camera truck driver. And for whatever reason, the producer, there's this guy named Jonathan Sakeor, really cool guy. He liked me. So the show goes, so they do the six episodes, then it goes away. Then it comes back. And he calls me up. And he's like, you know, I love you. working hard, but I want you to be transportation captain.

And I'm like, all right, let me call you back. And I call my boy, Wayne. I said, Wayne, what the fuck's the transportation captain? And he said, take the job. You'll figure it out. He said, all you got to do is you're in charge of parking the trucks and all that shit. I was like, all right. So I took the job, and I went back to Power Rangers.

And then they knew I was doing comedy. And the producer said, look, you always got a job here. So if you go on the road for a week or two, we'll hire day players. We'll get someone to drive the truck. But when you come back, it's your job. And that was, that's how I paid my rent for four years until I went to new faces in Montreal. And, you know, that's when I got my break and went full time. So you were doing comedy up here the whole time?

Yeah, I started in L.A. I started, I started, I tell everyone, I started in L.A. Because I didn't know I wasn't supposed to, you know, because they always say, you can't start in L.A. You got to start somewhere and come to L.A. I always thought you were in New York comic. No, man. No, I'm a New York guy. I grew up in New York, but I started in L.A.

Where would you go in those days? Oh, fuck. Where was like we were getting up? We were getting up. Well, there was like there were bookstores and shit like that, coffee shops. But club-wise, there wasn't many clubs. I used to get up at Igbees, which I don't know if you were here when Igbees was in business. I used to get up at Igbees.

Where was Igbees? Igbees was on the west side. It was on Pico. Good club? Yeah. It was there forever, right? Yeah. And then there was the L.A. cabaret.

Up here. In Encino. And I used to get up there. Yeah, Ray used to run that. Where is Ray? Anybody see him ever? No. Ray had a ton of money, though.

Ray inherited hospitals. Like, that's why the club was so shitty. They said, because Ray didn't need the money because he inherited, like, two hospitals from his parents or some shit. So, but anyway, yeah, I used to get up there. And then I used to get up. There used to be, there was a bowling alley in, like,

Woodland Hills or some shit. I remember that. It was a Canova. Yeah. They still were doing comedy years ago. Used to do that. And then there was a one. woman named Victoria Dushoff.

And this woman loved me. A manager. Yeah. Victoria used to have comedy shows in places you never should have. Like, she would get hotel room, lobby room. I remember we used to do comedy. I used to do this with Shang. Me and Shang were laughing about this. We used to work at the Hyatt next to the comedy store.

You know, we do comedy in the ballroom at the hotel next to the comedy store. Like how close and far away from a dream is? Victoria Doucho. She died. Victoria Douchoff. She died. She was great, though. She used to have a Wednesday night at the Holiday Inn out by L.A.X. And you do the show in the bar

and half the room would be Germans because there was like a tour company that brought Germans every year. So half of the bar didn't understand the word you were saying but you couldn't make fun of them because they were big business for the hotel. But yeah, Victoria was great. And then that was back when I

hooked up with Rudy Moreno. Rudy started me in the East L.A. All the brave bull. Yeah, the brave bull and what was it? Tortillas. Do you ever do tortillas? Fuck yet. Yeah. Yeah. So Rudy had all that shit going. But yeah,

that was the grind back then. That's what you did. Oh, my God. All these years, I thought you were in New York Mountain Brooklyn. I didn't cross paths. We did. We did. We did. We did. We did. I worked a lot of Rudy. You know, when I came to town, I did a couple spots at the imprime, right off the bat, the comedy store passed me. But everybody, when I got here, everybody said, you got to call Rudy.

Yeah, and I called Rudy, Rudy will return my fucking calls. So I got my car one night, and I drove down to this fucking place on the Friday night. I go, who's Rudy? Yeah, I remember the Brave Bull. And I went out and I go, you're Rudy, I'm Joey Diaz. Hey, I was going to call. No, you weren't going to pop and call me. I go, since you're not going to give me a gig, let me do a guest spot.

and he booked me. He used to pay 35 bucks or something on Friday nights. You went there Fridays and Saturdays for 35 bucks. You know, what the fuck? But I tell people, like, you're not a comic if you haven't done a Rudy Moreno gig. Yeah, no, no, no. Everyone's done, like, fucking George Lopez has done Rudy Moreno gigs. You know what I mean?

Like Paul Rodriguez, everybody has done some. Rudy used to just fucking run East L.O. He used to have the Irish bar in front of a strip club. Yeah. That little Irish pop there for a while. Monday nights or something. That was great. Rudy had the casino

with the best Chinese food in the San Francisco. Commerce. Yeah, Rudy, you know, and those days were fun. That was when, that was when Fluffy started.

Like, I remember working with Gabe when Gabe was making... The bicycle club on Thursday night. $35. Yeah, 50 bucks. You know, come the next day and pick it up, me and him were talking about that,

you know, I saw him a couple of years ago and we were talking about that. Because we knew even then, we were like, man, his fat kid is fucking amazing, you know, because everyone loved him, right? He had that fucking, that magic that that everyone loved him.

But yeah, those were the days. I remember he used to send us to Tucson once every 90 days but bugsies. And he had the Oh my God. You would do the Tempe improv on like Tuesday night. Tuesday night. And we stayed in that shitty hotel next to

the outlet mall. Oh, my God. This is 15 years ago Yeah But you know something But I tell everyone That's how you get good That's how you get good You have to do that shit right

You can't You can't get good Doing six minutes At the hippest room in Hollywood You can get on TV You could do this or that But if you want to become a comic You got to do those fucking rooms

That it's just shit And it's grinding And it's you know what I mean Like you You got to earn it what baffles me about this whole comedy thing is like a guy with my background, nothing in the entertainment.

I did like an improv class in high school and I knew that when I got into comedy I just knew I bullshit the first three years. I fucked around the first three years but I went to New York City and I was doing bouncing around New York Comedy Club and it was bullshit. It was bullshit.

You know, you're just trying to get up talking shit trying to meet people. You're in the back of your mind. mind you're like you know what these suckers are suckers one night somebody's gonna come and see me I'm gonna be on CBS these guys could suck my dick you don't need to work this hard and one night I went to your old triple in some fucking hole in the wall and I see John Legazama on there

and it blew my mind like I went home and I'm like I get it now and it was two in the morning yeah I used to drive a limo it was two in the morning I just stopped in there to sign my name on the list to see if I could do seven minutes or something in those days for people drinking alcohol was at the last stop to four was an open and Mike from midnight to 4 a.m. or some shit. Are you fucking crazy?

You know? And that changed me. I went back to Denver. I went right back to Square Run. And a lot of people... Bill Bird just went off a couple weeks ago. Did you hear that thing on alternative comics? Somebody sent it to me and I never listened to LinkedIn. For some reason, I wanted to hear what the fuck

he had to say. He goes, it's so weird. The real comics are the ones that go into these room and clean up their mess. He goes, yeah, we go to a lot of that. That's an old clip. He said that years ago. No, but no, he just said this recently. Oh, okay, because I remember saying the wrong time.

He was talking about how he goes into these rooms and the same alternative comics like, hey, can I go up before you? I have a spot of some coffee shop. And he's like, fuck you. Do your fucking spot, you know? What the fuck is wrong with you? You don't want to follow nobody? And it's, I paid my dues.

Like, that's what I'm even talking about when I go into that audition room for acting. Hey, listen, I know acting is a big commitment. But again, I don't see fucking Don Cheadle doing a half time. I was Saber game. Oh, man. You understand me? That changed my fucking life.

That gave me legs. That used to, the laugh factory that used to happen. Jamie, I did the open mic, and Jamie hired me as a doorman, right? And he said,

look, when people don't show up or whatever you do, drop in spots, you know, you can get up five minutes, this or that. And they'd throw you on.

It's like, Damon Wayans just finished. All right, go up. Like, I learned, because you had to go up after the best. But that's what made you good.

That's what fucking made you good. You had to go up. You never knew who you would be following. I remember one night, it was a fucking Sunday night. This is before, I think it was before Chocolate Sundays, but it just happened to be on a Sunday night. And Chris Rock and Chris Tucker had both gone up on the same show, and they put me up at the end.

And I was correct, and the funny thing was they were both complaining about their families asking them for money. and I said, man, if I'm ever making $10 million a year and complain about making money, somebody come kick my ass and the fucking crowd lost it, the crowd crack, because we were all like,

the fuck, you know, this was when they were both just starting to, well, Chris Rock was already there, but it was when Tucker, I think Chris Tucker had just done rush hour

or some shit like that. But, yeah, that's how you get good. You know, when we did last comic standing, we had this talk one time, and because you had some comics, who had come up through the ranks like me and Hefron and Kathleen Madigan and Corey Hocom, you know, who did all this shit. And then you had other comics who like Gary Goldman had worked with Dane Cook a lot. So he was getting it.

He was opening for Dane. So he was working A rooms because, you know, because of Dane. And Bonnie had come in through the alternative. And they were talking about how the audience should be supportive and help you grow and stuff. And it was like, yeah, that all sounds good. but when you're doing a fucking biker bar in Montana on Wednesday night Yeah a triple run

Then your ass better be funny Like that there's no There's no support You know what I'm saying There's no There's like yeah What's that website called funny or die Those shit's like yeah

This is literally funnier die This is literally funny or die Those things And then they start heckling you You got nowhere to go Man I remember doing a fucking roadhouse In Beaumont Texas and ripping on this big redneck.

And when he left, they were like, about time someone went off. Just because he runs the clan around here, I'm like, what the fuck? What? And that's when after the show you can't stay in town? That's the crazy. There was, Beaumont, Texas always had a comedy scene.

And Beaumont, Texas is on the border. It's on, I copped Coke one night in a fucking terrible neighborhood in Beaumont. Beaumont is a rough fucking town. Oh my God. You go to Janet's Joplin Museum. There's like a pair of underwear and a fucking pillow. She slept on. Who needs to see this shit?

But Beaumont used to have a club that was owned by a black couple. They were engineers. And they took their money and they opened up a black club. And they did it for a few years. Then they got rid of it and they opened up Slade Ham. Yeah, yeah. Slade opened it with his buddy. And that club was Lee.

It was fucking crazy. It was crazy. Well, what happened? Every time I went down, it was crazy. See, Alonzo's a nice person. You know, he don't drink. Every time I went to both. That's where I OD on the Valium.

I retired. That's what I... You think I don't do it. I retired. I fucking ate 30 Valiums in three days and drank shots of Yeager Meiss. There was one point I heard I laid down on the stage and shit. Come on, guys. That's not my fucking bag.

horrible. But it's just, but I remember one night they're like, if you want to get blood, you have to go into this weird neighbor. And they're like, it's KKK. So you have to sit in the car and we'll go in there and get the Coke from the KKK and shit like that. Alonzie, you know what I'm thinking about just now? You were there the night that they called the cops on me when they call me and that chick's pussy at the fucking in the freezer. In the freezer. The man has no respect. That she had no respect. Joey D had no respect. were talking to those girls in the alleyway. The place was so packed. That was, that's one of the legendary stories of Dublin's back then. Because Dublin was the spot back then. Dublin was the fucking. The reason why you and I were in the hallway was because there was literally, literally, and I'm not talking about this, nowhere to stand.

In those days, you had to see this place on a Tuesday night. Yeah. Across the street was karaoke, which was. Miyagi. Or you could eat sushi. Yeah. You're fucking crazy, Lee. This is crazy. The place that's now dead. You and I always stopped there and a lady

roller skates across the street right there. That place on a Tuesday night, Lee, would be like fucking... It'd just be like the kingdom of it. You couldn't get it. You couldn't get in. You couldn't get in. Lee. And it'd be in between Miyagi. I don't know one night some girl called me on a friend's on one. She goes, where'd you go last night? Where'd you go after whatever? And I go, I went

home, I went to the store. She goes, we went across the street and fucking Whitney Houston was there with Bobby Brown and she sang. This is crazy. This is after a comedy. But at Dublin's fucking, was it Justin Timberlake used to drop in and all these super

stuff? But Joey D with no respect for our fucking food is banging a chick in the freezer. Or she was blowing you or something. No, I was eating a put in a Coke rock in it. Here's the crazy thing. In the freezer.

Lee. It's me. I haven't really heard of a piece of this story. Hold it. Here's the thing. Here's the thing about Dublin. We didn't get paid. You know what we worked for?

Free food. That's what we worked for. And Joey had no respect. No. This isn't what happened. I got on stage. I had to follow Dan. I bombed.

I had to go up before Dan. You just bombed. They were there to see Dan. And it was Willie Barcena. Yeah. Joe Rogan. Willie Barcena and Joe Rogan. Mm-hmm.

Willie Barcernan and Joe Rogan. Willie Barsson and Joe Rogan stayed in the room. I went into the hallway with you and the Asian dude with the long head that ran that club next to the fucking double. That was the main club five years before that. Right. On Sunson, on Tuesday night, it was first open. What was that guy? Ace.

Ace, there you go. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with, Joe? But I'm going to see it. I'm dropping fucking shit on him last night from 1973. It was Ace you. and four or five girls talking. Ace always had broads with him. Yeah, always.

Ace was a good-looking dude that had long hair. He was Asian. He was just one of those dudes that didn't have one chick with him. He always had a chick and two of her friends. So they're giggling. Ha-ha, Alonzo talking to the one, and I'm minding my business. I'm an ugly dude. I got no confidence.

I'm minding my business. And the girl comes over, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she had, like, her shirt open. And I'm like, this is not good. And I can see she's doing blah. And I wasn't coked up because Joe Rogan was there. I don't do coke when Joe Rogan was around. Just out of respect for him, so I don't need to hear it.

I'll have it in my pocket. Dying. Dying, I ain't going to lie to you. Dying, I ain't going to go to go to Joe. I ain't you going to go shoot a pool and Joe? I couldn't wait in those days. I couldn't shake that motherfucker in those days. Let's go eat, Joe.

Let's go to Jerry's going. What the fuck? So, I don't know what? I didn't have no coke. I had no coke at all. I had no money. I had no fucking dough. Guys, I had maybe 10 bucks or something.

And the girl starts talking to me and she goes, I got a little bit. Well, let's go do it. What are we going to do? We can't go to the bathroom. We can't go to the car. We can't walk through here. Lee, you couldn't walk through the fuck. Now you couldn't.

Lee, I'm telling you, there was waitresses. It was something you never saw before. So I go, what's downstairs? I can't go down. What do you mean you can't go downstairs? You got a Coke on? Yeah, let's go downstairs. We go downstairs and we go into the freezer.

We look around, we see the freezer. But there's beer in there and shit. And we start talking, talking, and she goes in, and bam, she takes out an eight ball, dog. And she's bumping, and I'm bumping, and she's put a mama, you come here wrong, then? Yeah, me too. To a fucking freezer. Once you get them in the freezer, you got it. You got something.

A tit shot. In those days, there was no cameras. You couldn't take pictures of their pussy. You're like that. So, I don't know. One thing led to another one. I'm like, if I ever have a Coke Rock in your pussy? She's like, no.

nobody's ever, lose the pants. She took her pants down. That did not work. That line worked? I'm telling you the fucking story. You got to understand how crazy Dublin's was.

Dublin's was crazy. And it was so full of hotties. I mean, it was... And crazy women. Yeah. Crazy. Before it was Dublin, there was a place two doors down

that got so popular with hot women that comics were demanding to perform there on Tuesday nights. Yeah. Like fucking calling, and it was just,

it was Ahmed Ahmed. Yeah, I met Ahmed and Jay Davis. This was way before fucking Dublin. This was way, there was a room, two doors down.

It was two doors down in the basement. It was in the fucking basement. And then they moved it upstairs to Dublin. There you go. In the basement. I was before them

and the fucking thing next door. So she took her pants down and what happened? I put the Coke rug on the pussy. I licked it. I fucking fingered it. I tried it smoother than there. And as I went to lick it again,

they opened the door. the Hindu doorman, and the black dude and the big white dude. And they said, we got you on camera. We already called the cops. The police are on their way. And they took us both upstairs. She started crying. I've never done this before.

But at the time, you know me, dog. I took the eight ball and put it in my sock. I ain't given that motherfucking murder. So we went upstairs. The guy says, stay right here. I'm going to call the police. They should be here any minute. But there was jam.

Sunset was jammed in those days on a Tuesday night. Even the fucking Even the laugh factory was packed And the comedy store was a fucking Joe Torrey This was sunset was mobbed in those days So you know what happened So all this is going down Willie Barr Center comes up with Joe Rogan

Joe Rogan goes what's going on They go this kid got caught doing drugs And sexual things and the fuck We got it on tape So Joe's giggling I go Joe he goes to take a hundred bucks Just in case when you get down and call me Let me know what's going on.

And all of a sudden, Joe goes in, and I look up, and I see Ralphie Mae wallowing across the street. He just finished eating the sushi like a motherfucker. And he comes towards me. I go, go, go get your car. He goes, what are you talking? I'm going to go, go, go get your car. He goes, I can't. I have a showcase for CBS.

Go get your fucking car. The cops are going to come and arrest me. Go get the fucking car and turn it around. So when he went, it was right there. He went, started it, and turned it around. And dog, I just fucking got in the car. We went down the street. Boom, we got the fuck out of it.

And then I heard I was band and shit. I remember that. Yeah. This is crazily. And then he fucking wrote it on the website. And I started dating my wife. And my wife one day said to me, do you know that fucking, did you get caught at the Dublin eating some chick's pussy?

Are you banned from there? Because me and Brian Holkman are the only people that have banned from. there. You put that on the website? Jay Davies did. There was so much shit good. Lee, this is when Dane was becoming famous.

This is when Dane was moving from college club comic to like fucking arena rock star. So every Tuesday the place was packed. But it wasn't just Dane. It was like he said, you'd have drop-ins like fucking Joe Rogan,

Jay Moore, Chappelle. I mean, the list goes all everybody worked their fucking Roseanne dropped in and did spots at Dublin's everybody Dr. Ken fucking Craig Robinson Ralphie Mae

everybody came to Dublin's every Tuesday I would go up after Dane every night because nobody wanted to follow Dane and I didn't give a shit because it had started with the open mic and I would be up there with a notebook so I would just go up after Dane's

like fucking rock star thing and I would just sit on a stool and start fucking doing crowd work and fucking with people. And we were there every week. We had a ball. That was the most creative time I ever had in comedy. What do you guys think makes a show like that?

Because we're in LA. There must be thousands of comedy shows a week. You know what it was? It was one of those things where it just came together. It just happened. I don't even know why. It just happened organically. Like it was just the energy and people.

You know why it was so great? Because it was where the pros went to work out. And everybody knew it because it was like an open mic for pros and guys who, like, you had to have talent to work there. Like I said, if you look at the roster of Dublin's from, what was that, 15 years ago, 12, 15 years ago, and then look at Hollywood today and how many guys are on sitcoms and movies or what, you know what I mean? We were learning. We were coming up. That was before I did last comic. When I did last comic after that, I had fucked around and done so much crowdwork at Dublin's.

They were like, oh, we didn't know you could do like regular stand-up. Like, they thought that was my whole act. They thought that's all I did was sit on a chair and fucking talk. And that was when Dr. Ken would come in and do the fucking music act and shit like that. You know, and the next thing, you know, he's in a hangover. And you're like, wait, isn't that the guy from Dublin? Like, that's the way it was. Yeah, it was crazy.

It was not me, Lee, at all. I went there twice. There were some guys who didn't like. You know who hated it? Bobby Kelly. Bobby always hated. It wasn't my scene. They were younger.

I was really dirty. It just didn't work. I went in there one time and had a showcase for an agent. And he's a big time now. The other day, I bumped into him. This is why it's, and he came up to me after him. He goes, I love it. He goes, when you come back after the holidays,

I want you to do the paperwork, bring headshots in. He goes, I got an idea for a character. We're going to put a handcuff. on you and a suit and you're going to be a lost blues brother. I got a deal to pitch this to I never called that dude. I didn't want to be a lost blues

brother dog. And that was the first time I went in there and then I got called it again one night and I went down there with Rogan and Willie Barsena. I bombed I ate the chick's pussy. The cops came and I never went back again. But I knew it wasn't my spotly. Do you think if you could do it now?

Do you think you could do the room now? Oh now I could do the room. Now I'm experienced enough how to handle it. I know how to get myself out of that bind. But here's the thing. Jay has been trying to recreate that room ever since. But you can't recreate it. Lightning don't strike twice.

It was just a matter of, it was just one of those things. It's like when Seinfeld and Drew Carey and Leno and all those guys talk about the New York improv. You know, when they talk about the improv back when they were starting out and how they would be. It's the same thing. Dublin was just that place at that time. but you can't redo it. You know, it's an interesting question you asked that. The first experience I had like that was walking in.

I started comedy in June of 91, and in maybe August of 93, I got the balls one night on a Monday night and went down to the Boston Comedy Club. I remember the Boston. On Monday nights, Lee, in 1993, this was, it was 400, 300 people. What other fuck it said?

people line a fucking line but where is it in new york it was in the village in the village i mean leah line you know there was to four comedy clubs and that you know but that one it was jay moore and dave chapelle yeah and nick de paolo and felicia michael you're like i remember going there on a mondan oh my god all these guys have been on club mtv yeah that's the big show that it was club mtv or the other one on a and e half hour comedy half hour half hour Comedy hour. So that's how you got to recognize these guys. But you went home and go, wait a second.

Why were there 300 people that are lying around the corner? It's Monday night. You can't explain it. You can't explain it. You could take strippers and get cakes and give out free shrimp. And if the room don't have that magic, the room don't have that magic. Frasier had that when he had Fraser Smith after midnight. Do you remember that show?

No, no. Frasier used to have a show on, Friday nights at the Laugh Factory, and it was on the radio. I think I want to say it was KLSX radio, but everybody would be there. Everybody was there from fucking, you know, from the Lakers to Ron Jeremy. You know what I mean? Like you never knew who would drop in fucking rock stars, porn stars, basketball players. Fraser Smith after midnight was hot as shit.

And then the radio station changed the format and they cut the show. And then he tried to do it a couple of other times, but it was like, nope, That was it. You know, nobody knows why those shows. And you could get a publicist, and you could make people, you know, pay people to come to your club and make believe they're having a good time. This is the other way around.

These people coming to your club to let people know they're cool. Yeah. And hit. That's when it's like stealing. And you could see the difference. You could see when someone, when I'm paying, you know, Liberace to come to your fucking club. And when I'm paying Liberacee because he wants to be there,

you could see the difference in people. Have you got any offers for that? Oh, yeah, yeah. People contact me all the time. Come down, we'll give you 10 grand sit at the bar. No, nobody offers me no fucking money. Really? I would have thought somebody would have.

Fuck, no. I want to go hang out with somebody for town. Like that, you mean? Oh, no, no, I know what you said. Yeah, I just make an appearance, like, open a restaurant or something. No, no, no, no. I'm too embarrassed to do something like that.

Let me get some shout-outs here. It's 346. Gilberto Warrez John DeBridge Don Wrangler Keith Browner Tommy Easter I see you motherfucker down at the storm

making it happen One by one podcast Dr. Gonzo Alex Rainey and my girl Stephanie Rivera What are you fucking nuts Or what? What are you kidding me?

Oh fucking what Thomas Easter is good on Periscope He does like a southern version of you kind of. Tom Easter, he's living in a van. He does two sets tonight at Morby's Comedy Club somewhere on sunset. He takes showers at the store.

He's living the dream, don't know? That's the dream right there. Where are you going to get that type of respect? Taking showers out there in the open. He looks good. He looks healthy. Yeah. And he's fucking trying.

I got to give him all the respect in the world. You look at that type of shit. When you're a comic, I can't do that. We did it. We did it. Yeah, if you started over today, it's like I don't even know how. You did it. I don't know where to fucking.

start. I wouldn't know. If you came to me today and said, Joey, I want to do comedy. Where the fuck do I start? I don't even know coffee shops. I don't know. I mean, they're out there. My friend says he goes to a place on Tuesdays, and it's a sandwich shop in Burbank. They have

websites with all the open mics. You just putting you in the code. Really? Yeah. Yeah, let's see the open mics in the neighborhood. Okay. Let's see what the fuck's going on in this motherfucker here. I remember that having a list on my wall.

And I have a Monday on my options. You know every night. You know every night. Tuesday. Wednesday. Monday, Wednesday. And there was like the list I would go. Remember this?

This is funny. Remember when you used to dream about working on a weekend? Oh my God. I tell me all the time. Remember you used to dream. Now you dream about a weekend off. But you used to dream like, man, one day I'm going to do Friday. One day I'm going to do Friday.

You'd be funny. shit on Wednesday. Oh my God. I tell these guys that you get home on a fucking Wednesday night and I'd bomb to all three sets, you know. And I'd fucking get

a bag of blow and I'd open up just the last, the magazine back then. And in the back, I'd circle all the clubs. I was going to get, I was going to work someday. Like, he's going to fuck these people. They didn't like me tonight. They had a bunch of cowboys. I would give myself an excuse. And then go, this is some damn to work

to fucking Seattle, fucking undergris. kill that motherfucker with my Godzilla joke and shit. They're going to understand my Godzilla joke. I thought it's crazy. This is new. What's tonight? For tonight, there's the Ha-ha, the Oyster House in Studio City. Oh, they do comedy at the Oyster House?

I know some more park. I know what that is. Saba sushi in L.A. Flappers, the comedy store, Hollywood Hotel, the clown house, the Lexington, the Grandview Market, Rudy's Bar Hoggbill, Beansy and espresso, and the slip bar.

They got some action going. If you really want to be a comic, you look at that thing and you go, there's 18 fucking, well, you know, listen, you're not going to go to the comedy store. There's what you could, as a beginning of comic, you look at that list realistically, and there's four really good sets

for you. But you knew where they were. Right. You knew which open mics were good and then which ones were. Well, the only way to realize is to go down there. Yeah, you go. But, I mean, once you get in the loop, once you get in the loop of doing open mics, you'd always learn. Like, my thing was, I always wanted to talk to somebody who was on the next level. That was always my thing.

So if I'm doing free open mics, I wanted to talk to somebody who was doing the $20 rooms and be like, how the fuck you get there? Like, how do you get 20 bucks? You know what I mean? Like, how do you get, oh, man, how do you get $50? How do you get a Friday? You know, that was always my thing, chasing it, chasing the next level. well you go out it's funny how it works man

you go out some nights I always had a motto when it came to comedy nothing happens on the couch yeah once you realize from the year to the year 10

you're gonna be out every fucking night once you get that through your head it makes your life a lot of easy Thanksgiving you got two sets

how's that for you not because it's Thanksgiving because you're gonna make yourself two two sets you know if night you're just gonna fall asleep there it got to the point

where it was an addiction for me to get up on stage Like I, you know, I know it is to have an addiction to wake up and the first thing you think about. And that's why I tell young comics, if you're not waking up going, who, where the fuck am I getting on States tonight? Comedy's not for you. When people ask me why I'm not married, why don't I have kids, I tell them, because I started comedy at 30. Right?

So that's when people start. And you don't even think about getting married. Like, I got to get up. I got to work. It's an obsession. Like you said, it's an obsession. And it's all you got to do. And you do it all the time.

And then you look up and then you're 40. But fuck, you're good now. You know? But that's the way it was. And I still, when you eliminate all the bullshit, right? Because it's just so many layers of bullshit you have to deal with, whether it be, you know, bookers or agents or egos or this, that or the other. When you get on stage, that's when it's pure.

That's when it's real. When Chappelle went through all that shit, when he went to Africa and blah, blah, blah, when he came back and he did that interview on inside the actor's studio, and he talked about when he got back on stage and he just was like, I'm home. Like, you know, I'm okay. Like, I knew exactly what he's talking about. You know that feeling. When you get on stage, when you walk on stage, anything going on outside of that, and I know you've been doing this as long as me, so you longer. So, you know, you got a fucking death in the family. You got a relationship that just ended, you know, you got, like, whatever real life shit is going on around you, gone.

And you're working. I love the work. I fucking, I love the work. And I get in my head, like, how many shows have I done where I'm like, hey, you know, some, the only guy on this show, not a fucking millionaire. What did I do wrong? You know what I mean? You know, you had those moments, right, where you're working with five fucking superstars. And you're like, wait a minute, the fuck.

I got the shitty locker all the way down the fucking corner and shit. These motherfuckers got champagne in the room. I got an apple. But when you're on stage, none of that shit matters, right? Because that's the game. That's the, uh, that it's pure. I love it. I fucking love it.

Still. Still. Still. I love it. I love it. Sorry, man, that's mine. There's bits and parts of it. I had a great time at the store last night.

I love working out. I love going to the store in this. 60 people on a Tuesday Friday and Saturday I want the place to be sold down but for the last three months you go to Storm on Tuesday night there's 300 people in there you can't try fucking new shit on stage you got to stick the whole reliable

and everybody's been up there so you've got to come up with your A shit or not you're going to die a slow death and I miss going up there fucking around you know I miss you have an idea but then when you take it to the stage you become something else oh shit

and you can't really you know Sometimes you're like, oh, when I go to do another side. Sometimes you know what, let me go home and write this. Yeah, got to write it down before I forget. Let me write this motherfucker down, word for word. I used to, I used to remember yelling that in the crowd. Like, what did I just write that down? What did I just say?

You know, just so somebody would fucking remind me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the way out of the way. Oh, my God, it's such a great animal. You know, I can't believe I survived 24 years. I can't believe. I can't believe I have a screen actor's skill, Carl. I can't believe it.

I can't believe I made a union for something like remember when we growing up people were in the union I'm in the unit I'm in the actors unit it don't mean dick you know nothing if I put it in my shoe

nobody don't give a fuck 20 years ago you had a union card you got the movies for free yeah you got head shots 50% off show up with a fucking union card now they give you nothing no that's not true I get discount parking at the airport

do you really the parking spot gives you 20% off if you have have a sad card. What's the parking spot? With the yellow and black? With the yellow polka dot. Fuck that. That's too far. What do you got going on lately? What do I got going on? I

got a pilot. They're shopping with sci-fi. So fingers crossed on that. My new Showtime special, historically incorrect, is going to be out in February. Okay. Just recorded that in May. And grinding. Alonzoboden.com.

Check it out. Follow me. I love doing You ever wake up in the morning? You ever drive in California and you can't believe you're still here? Like you look at a palm tree. Every now and then, man, every now and then shit hits you and you're like, this is fucking unbelievable. I tell people all the time, it beats honest work. I used to do honest work. You know what I mean?

Where you get up, you go to the fucking plant, you punch the time clock, and you fucking build airplanes all day, and then you go home and tomorrow you do it again. You know, that's fucking honest work. And this shit beats the hell out of honest work. Why do you hate doing that? My cousin did that for the Air Force, but he hated it. No, it wasn't a matter of hating it. It wasn't a matter of hating it. It was a good job.

It was just that I had something else in me that I didn't even know about. You know what I mean? Like the comedy thing, I didn't know about it. Like if I had known, sometimes I think if I really want to mind fuck myself, I think, wow, what if I had started when I was like 20, when I, you know, in 1982, when the fucking boom was about to, you know what I mean? Like, would I be a fucking millionaire today? I remember George Wallace, who's one of my fucking heroes in comedy.

We were at the laugh factory, and I'm doing it a few. He's like, man, you're good. He was around in the 80s. You'd have made some money. But, you know, that's... I was out in 84, Doug. Oh, yeah? Comedy was not even in my fucking brain.

I didn't know where to start or who to call. I knew nothing. It wasn't even close. to, but I knew I didn't like California. So I knew I wasn't going to end up here, you know. It's funny you said about, there was two things you said that were pretty interesting. One that you wanted to, that you're still single, you know? Yeah.

Listen, man, when I got into comedy, I read that fucking crazy book with that crazy Jewish comic, the one that lived in the fucking Chelsea Hotel and shit. And he did heroin, and he hung out with jazz musicians at night, and Lenny Bruce. and I got to tell you that was what pushed me over the top was having no responsibility being able to come and go when I please that's how I was raised

you know what I'm saying kids and a wife that's the least of my fucking aggravation is when I got into comedy that's why I got into comedy not to have that at all I thought I was going to be like Charles Branson

one of his movies he died alone in his little room death wish or whatever movie he was in the hard times or whatever that's what I always thought man and now I got a little baby and a wife and you're sick

great yeah I'm you don't know whether it's gonna fucking this journey's gonna take you one of the things I tell like when I'm young comics because it's funny like in the past five six years I become the old guy like remember when you were the young guy when you used to ask advice and now they come to you and I tell them if you got a wife or you got a kid I said good for you you got something real

I said never forget that shit's real this is all bullshit that's real fucking love that and hang on to that Don't fuck that up. No. But do this. So good for them. But it's something I didn't do or haven't done yet or whatever. But I respect it, you know.

You know, I'm trying to write a book and I wrote something about a month ago. And I looked at it. I forgot I had wrote it. I wrote it on this thing I have Litt Lift. And it was about dropping my daughter off. I have a daughter that's 25 that we don't talk. And when she was five, I was just starting to do comedy. I had just gotten the vision.

Like I had started already. I had been doing comedy 18 months, but I was dicking around. I wasn't really working. I read the Judy Carter book. I was doing little things. I had one-two-go joke. But the rest of the time, I was just bullshit myself. This was something, I was just killing time.

But once I went to New York and took a good look and what I needed to do, I said, fuck this. I went back to Colorado, and Colorado was real. I had a divorce going on. Me and the wife didn't get along. I was getting hot. Like I was getting hot with this bro. I was pushing my buttons.

And I made a deal with myself. Every Wednesday and Sunday was when I had her. And before I'd pick her up, I'd roll a joint, and I'd put in the trunk of the car under the tie. And I'd pick up my daughter and have the best time when I drop her off, and it would break my heart when I'd drop her off. I'd wait for them to pull away, and I'd go on my trunk. I'd take out the joint, and I'd go on Route 36,

and I'd shoot at them, and I'd smoke that joint. And sometimes I cry and sometimes I wouldn't. But I'd forced myself to go to an open mic that started at 8 that followed a line dancing class in 1990, fucking 3, just to get me out of that dark place. It was crazy. And I did drugs later that night. Don't get me wrong.

But a lot of people wouldn't do that. They'd get depressed and go to fuck home and drink. I forced myself those days, especially on those visitation days. That's how I got over the visitation. As soon as I dropped her off, I fucking was headed to an open mic. And on the drive, I digest what happened. I'd process it. And I fucking let that rage out on stage.

And sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. But it made me a comic. I think about how I worked with that pain. That's what's his name? Brett Thorpe. His father died. What did he do that night? He threw five fucking touchdown.

Did he not? He was pissed. He was hurt. Whatever he was, he played the game. Most people have said, you know, most people, your father died. You're not playing tonight. You're right. I can't think.

This motherfucker said, you know what? He's like, I have to play today. This is what you do. I have to do. Yeah, we have to get up. We have to get up. There's so many nights, especially, listen, I'm not the spring buck. I was, you know, when I was 38 and I was doing comedy, I would leave the house, yes, to do comedy, but number two to get my fix.

So it was a twin, and that was part of it. The way to get my fix was to get on stage. That's the only thing that justified me doing what I did. So now I don't do anything So when I got 1145 Spot of Lanzo I'm 52 you know what I'm saying I'm tired I'm an aspirin shit I gotta take like a fucking

Energy drink or a coffee That's the other thing I never did anything I got sober five years before I did comedy You know So I've never done comedy high I've never done it drunk Like I've been sober the whole time You're a fucking gentleman

Don't it well no I tell people I was telling Joe, I said I fucking timed it wrong. You know, I should have went to rehab right after Last Comic Standing. I'd have been a fucking star. It'd been, man, the winner of Last Comics in rehab, I'd still be on TMZ today. I'd be next to Lamar, fucking a Kardashian. It's bad luck. That's fucking crazy, man.

I'm happy you came on today, bro. Man, thank you. Thank you. We've been trying to put this together. I love you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you. I'm happy to be here. Lee, you fucking talk way too much. You got to turn it down or not.

No, Lee's a fucking Saturday. I'm headed to fucking Portland, Oregon. Tonight, I'm fucking very excited. To helium, you work helium? Yeah. I haven't done helium in Portland. I've been booked three times, every time something's come up. So now I'm scheduled to be there in May.

I was supposed to be there in December, and they moved me to the Raleigh Club. So I'm doing Raleigh instead. but I've heard great things about it. I love Portland, I love this city. I had a lot of friends up there. I used to go to Portland like in the mid-90s. You want to shoot this.

Downtown Portland is fucking. Oh my God. It's phenomenal. Now, now it's beautiful. Now they change. This city was like where the Joker lived. In the mid-90s, that's what the joke was cloudy, always raining. But to fucking add to it, the buildings, and now it's beautiful.

There's people out there. There's food trucks. It's alive. It's going to be a healing. Where are you at this weekend? This weekend, I am here. I'm up in Lancaster. Friday night, Lancaster Performing Arts Center.

And then next week I'm going to Cabo for just for last. They're doing a resort week. So it's their first time doing it. It's me, Pete Correlli, Ryan Hamilton, Jim Brewer, and a magician named Ben Seidman. Perfect. So they're all week. Perfect.

Yeah. All right. I'm at Helium, Portland, this week, and next week at the motherfucking stress factory in New Jersey, New Jersey. Tell Vinny, I said, what's up? Tell Vinny my phone hasn't rung. What the fuck, Vinny? You know what? It's like every 18 months, I think.

Yeah, tell Vinny. Tell Vinny I said, it's a while to get me back. Tell Vinny. Let's give a shout out to your sponsors here tonight. Number one, on it, as usual, the best. I love fucking on it. You say, Joey, why do you like on it so much? I'll tell you why.

This morning I get up, two eggs, wheat, toast, bacon. That's tremendous. But it don't fulfill my fucking needs. You understand me? About two hours in, I popped a cup of ice cream. Cube some water, two scoops of hemp forest, the chocolate, bam, I'm fucking there. Maybe a banana, a scoop of peanut butter. That holds me over to about one or two in the afternoon.

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Hey, it's unbelievable. Now, this is the wrong fucking copy here. What's the one with the Teflon and the material? I told you. What the fuck happened to it? I had it here the other day. You're throwing curveballs at me and shit. You're making me.

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People calling me. They're bothering me at my fucking house here. This guy's going to torment me now. I guarantee you. For four months I've been here, nobody bothers me. Now you've got like eight auditions. CBS wants to see me. It's going to be one of those things.

I guarantee you. Put the music on. Lee. What are you waiting? Oh, okay. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wake him out. What's going on? What's the problem here?

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Go to honor. Onet.com. Eachcovert church to get 10% off all the good optimization products. Like, price make love on a million in the dirty hotel with the fan on the ceiling. All for the love of drug dealing. Close ceiling. Oh, what a feel. Fuck, I want a billion.

Jeff Corn balloons. I just want to blow up. Condos in my condos. I want a row up. Chris needs with my missy. Live in the moma. Bakeans and turkey bacon smell of aroma. Oh, what a feeling.

I'm the new Jean-Michel. Surrounded by war halls. My whole team. I want a trillion. Who you own in? Huh? The fox is box, but damn if I ain't open Pandora's box They try to slender your man on CNN and fox

My Miranda's don't stand a chance with cops Even my own fans like old man to stop I could if I could but I can't I'm hot And you blow I'm still a man to watch You blow on my left hand and knock Soon as to step out of the booth the cameras pops It's cool with it to the can it's pop Now my hand on the Bible on the stand

Got your man in the jam and the jam Again, got my hand to cup. I'm like, God damn enough. Put down the cans and they ran muck. My hair pin, hair skin, ruffs and spleen, crack ribs go through cribs and other things. No sympathy for the king, huh? Because even talk about your baby crazy.

Eventually the pendulum swings. Don't forget America, this how you made. Come through with the yay mass song. Spray everything like Samoa. I won't scratch the Lambo. What's it going to take? For me, I'm the Monday probably