The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #332 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 10, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Texture. Go To texture.com/joey to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 11/09/2015.
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Oh shit. Monday, November 9th. The day the devil was buried in sea, raped, lit on fire, fucked in the ass. Clamydia. Oh shit. A little Roxy music for you motherfuckers. Old school here. What?

Oh shit. The church of what's happened now. Lee Syatt. Flavor old school like this motherfucker. Uh, uh, da, da. Are you fucking kidding me? This motherfucker.

Fucking tremendous. What it is, Lysayat, you bad motherfucker. Good to see you. It's been a while. I know. I haven't seen you since last week and shit. You know, we've been seclusion. I had to go to Portland, Oregon.

Which Portland, I tell you, I used to go to Portland in 1995 when I used to work at Club Harbys, which is still that. But Harvies is a very clean room. You know, Helium is 2000 fucking. 15, you know. Were you clean when you had to work at Harvys? Oh, my God. I tried, but the guy's mother came on Saturday night for the early show. Oh, it's that place. Oh, she fucking hated me.

Harvey's was, I mean, in those days, I don't know, I remember the Portland. It's just being dark. I had a lot of strip clubs. I got blow a few times, you know. I went out. It was okay, but it wasn't the real deal. Like, it wasn't like a city that I would visit or something. Fucking now

It's they've done great things And the people are fucking dynamite I went to a few weed stores Parma, farmer, great fucking weed store I got some CBDs So is it legal there or medical? What is it like? Recreation just walk in, give me a license

And go to the back jack Edibles aren't legal yet from what I'm hearing But everything else is pretty straight You know we always If you're a comic or a fan of comedy Or you listen to Rogan's podcast Whenever I go on it in my comedy whatever the club was the city was Houston you know in the 90s when I was

developing your class of comedy city I had a lot of fun cities but the ideal one the comedy scene where you went you had to have your A game it was Houston Texas and what years was this like early 90s 97 to 2004 the Houston comedy scene was really hot you got to imagine that you know 10 15 years before that, Kennison and Hicks and Carlis and Bo and all those guys were walking around down there. I forget the name of the club, but it was the lap stop when we were down there. So what, since you've been doing comedy, what are the bigger markets? Like, so it was in Houston for a part, like, what is it now? Houston just became a hip place to do comedy.

Mark Babbitt made that room when Mitch Hedberg and Tom Roach co-headlined in 97, that set a statement out. that was like a tremendous fucking statement like 98 I think Tom Rhodes had been on an ABC show or NBC show and the show got canceled but he was still a very funny guy he still is a fucking funny guy just a couple weeks ago and nobody

was booking him it seemed like he was in limbo and Mitch was friends with him and Mitch said was friends with him from Florida or something and Mitch goes why don't you fucking co-headline with me and get back out there and that caused this fucking thing you know he was already bringing in Dana Gould and acts like that

And all of a sudden he started bringing in Rogan and Stanhope and all those guys taped their CDs down there And it just became this cool you know the Monday night at the last stop was from eight to two That's unheard of there was that many fucking open mic comics doing seven 10 eight minutes ten minutes Didn't you say that sometimes as a headliner you'd stay for that show? Yeah, you'd stay on Sunday You stay for Monday afternoon and partied and because Chewis it was a special Chewis the Mexican place it was Stuffed shells chicken and sour and sour and chicken and sour cream enchiladas. Oh, nice.

So we would just stay, eat that, and then fucking do the open mic on Monday nights. Portland has become that. The last three or four times I've gone to Portland, I see the comedy scenes growing. Ron Funches is from Portland. Yeah. There's another kid that's from Portland, Oregon.

And that's all I've heard for years is how great Portland is a city is. So I'm just surprised to hear that you didn't have a good time there before. But what I'm saying to you, all these cities, develop, you know, over the years they developed. That they become, you know, they've become very gentrified. You see all the same malls and stuff like that.

Right. Portland, I used to go to the Adidas store, the, was the Nike store. That was what I went to Portland for every time. Really? The Nike store was off the chain downtown. What would it have? It just didn't, it had everything Nike in 1995. I was a knucklehead, 96.

I wasn't fat yet. I wasn't really fat yet. I was probably 30 years old, 31 or something. I was walking around fucking Portland. I would go down there and stay with Floyd J. Phillips, who now lives in Michigan. He's originally from Michigan. Okay. And he was a comic.

And when he would leave out of town, I'd stay in his house and do Harvey's. He wasn't kind enough to let me stay there and do Harvey's. And you didn't do it that often when you were doing Seattle, living in Seattle? I did Harvey's twice a year, but there was so many other rooms that some nights I would just stop driving and go to Floyd J. Phillips's and crash. He'd leave me a key. And I sleep on the floor. And it was me sleeping there. Josh Wolk slept on that kid's floor.

Everybody, he was the guy to stay with in Portland at the time. I've always been kind of a loner sort of person. But do you think it's possible to be a comic and not and be a loner? Because I'm just hearing, like, it would freak me out to have people just staying on my floor. But it sounds like you guys did that all across the country. I'm a loner. For the most part, if you gave me a. me a fuck. When I was growing up, when I was younger,

I wanted to go to a desert island. I wanted to go to a desert island and have like a truck full of chicken cutlets that were hot. And cranberry juice. That was my dream. That was my dream. Cranberry juice club sold and chicken coutlets and I could live in an island. And the back of my mind, I didn't think I needed a communication. I was raised an only child.

So I know how to have a party in my head. You had refa. I really don't need to talk to nobody. Right. You know, there's days when I do common. I won't leave the hotel room. Like I go eat and I'll go for a walk to 7-Eleven or whatever. But pretty much the only communication I have is with you or my wife or a friend or an agent or somebody's calling me. So there's a couple of hours.

I won't say a fucking word in the hotel room. Then I get on that fucking stage. I'm a cage animal. That's why I do that. You know, when you become a comedian, you're making a statement. You're making a statement that you want to go on stage by yourself. Right there, you're alone. Right there.

You're alone. You know, most people go on stage as part of a band. Most people get on stage as part of an improv troupe. You're alone. So right there, that tells something about your personality. Yeah, that's true. When I first started comedy, I was in that car by myself constantly. And then there were situations where you share a ride with a comic.

Let me tell you something. If you don't get along with that fucking guy, you guys have different views. After two hours, that becomes a lot of. the longest fucking ride of your life. I can't even imagine. A comic that brings his girlfriend in the fucking car or something like that. That becomes the longest fucking ride of your life now. Because it's two men and now I got to have a third fucking wheel injecting and

this like thing and giving her fucking quotes on comedy. And trust me, when you're a comic and you have three comics in a car and a comic brings his girlfriend and she starts interjecting fucking stupidity, all three comics want to kill that motherfucker. It's just odd man up. It's like a three female comics were there and one of them brings their boyfriend. It's the same fucking thing So I'm not just picking on women here

I'm saying this just doesn't work So you have two people in the car They really have to get along Especially for long A triple run five days Some days eight hour driving You gotta be able to light the same music You both gotta be able to smoke cigarettes

You both gotta be able to smoke weed You know you not being a smoker It's gonna fucking kill you in the car So there's all these little things You know so sometimes you just don't get involved Right yeah Sometimes you go you know what I got to do something until 5.30.

I'll do something later. I'll come down later. You know, and they're like, okay. So me, I like to drive without the radio on before a gig. Really? Yeah, if I got a gig even at the comedy, so I don't put the radio on the way down. I'm thinking, I'm in my fucking head. Why would I want to bring somebody?

That's my 10 minutes to warm up. I'm in my fucking head thinking about it. Sometimes when I'm driving at night and I have a gig, you know what I do? I pick a time in my life and I just pick a story from it. And I tell myself the story. loud? No. Okay. Just to refresh myself of those thoughts or what happened or I'll do that. Just a certain time in my life, I'll pick 19708 and I just think of me going to Boo's basketball camp with Chuckie McBreen and Ralph Fuso and the council fucked with her. So he stole his shoes and we'll put a bar of soap and

and we put shampoo on that motherfucker and melted and you know just stupidity just to jog my memory. When did you start doing this? A couple years ago. I felt that it was, it's like a singer. When a I think it goes to sing. He goes in the back and he sprays his throat like a fucking moron. He starts doing throat exercise. Ah, ah, ah, you're just warming up his throat. It's the same thing with your mind. My instrument is my mind on stage. There's no fucking notes. It's my mind. If I write in the daytime, a lot. When I go on stage, that's not like stealing because my mind has been exercised all day. That's so interesting. I've exercised my mind. So when I get up in the morning, I get that cup of coffee, and I clean the little box, and I roll that joint, and I do all that shit. First thing I do is I sit down sometimes when I write.

And then I stop. I take a shower, and I go back, and I write. I look what I wrote before when I was half fucking asleep about my day or what I got to do. I look at the handwriting. All these things that you don't focus on. Is that why you wake up early? Is that why you force yourself so that by the time you're seeing somebody, you're fully like awake and well you know you always want to be your best so as a comic right now

if as soon as i get up my daughter has no respect for the door she's too and i can't explain to her i can't break her sometimes you just want to come and jump on the fucking bed or whatever jump on the desk you know so sometimes when you're writing you know you're going to fall into a trap you really don't open up a door because you know eventually somebody's going to knock on that fucking door and break your interruption. Last night, I got up at four. Jesus. From four to six.

On purpose? Yeah, I got up to pee and I go, fuck it. Let me get a notebook. And I got a notebook and I got a big cup of coffee. And I fucking sat there for 15, 20 minutes and I went outside and I hit the pipe. Then I came and I started writing just little things. No TV. No outside.

No outside fucking up my head. What are you for you? Because I know it's probably different for everyone. How do you get your brain? started for writing. Like, you just sit down and think of, like, what makes you laugh? Like, how does that, especially 20 years in, you probably thought of every premise by this point? No, because you start thinking about you go to your life now. Now you go to the funniest thing you know about, which is your life.

The shit you don't tell people. You know, for fucking a year, I took this computer on the road. And whenever I click on the computer, it would say, you know, let's say I'm at the Crown Plaza. Right. In Portland, and say Crown Plaza. connect and you click that button then another page pops up and you put your room number and your name and you put whether you want

high speed internet or the lower speed for free or high speed for $295 extra and you click it on and then your computer starts up and you have to find another window and click onto that for Yahoo and all that shit to come on I couldn't figure out so I kept calling the front desk and I don't understand what's going on

with my fucking mirrors and they're like what's going what are you talking about mirrors I think I told this story you know a lot A lot of people... You didn't tell them on the podcast. Your wife told me. Yeah, that would keep calling these front desk and mirrors and mirrors and there we go, we don't know what you're talking about, sir.

And I go, I don't know either. You know, my wife, she got me this computer for Christmas and she put mirrors on here. What I was trying to say was fucking windows. That's how stupid I am. But who would tell you that? Nobody would tell you those embarrassing moments. I would because I don't ever want you to think that I'm on stage trying to be swarmy or I'm not fucking smart at all. I'm just talking shit up there.

So I want you to see my deepest fucking secrets This last Ari thing I told the deepest secret that I hold Really? My life with Santa Ria growing up That's my deepest fucking secrets But if I don't get it out there This ain't gonna work Why Santoria your deepest secret?

Because you don't want to tell nobody By your religious things and what you believe And then I watch that Scientology thing And I'm like, if these retards make it work My Santaria isn't all that bad This came from Africa They mixed it with fucking Catholicism It's got a background to it.

It's got a story. Yeah, I don't think. Have you got negative feedback for saying you do Santeria? No, but who knows what people believe? There's always something. I don't want to say. I don't want, I never want, I hate religious people. I fucking hate when we're having a conversation and somebody starts preaching Jesus.

Listen, this is the wrong time in the place. And I don't know if you did any background check on me. You got the wrong motherfucker to be preaching Jesus in the morning. That always annoys me during sports when they, the first thing they do during an interview was like, the first person I want to thank is Jesus because without him this would be a lot of this would be. It drives me fucking crazy. Meanwhile, he goes home and beats up his wife on steroids. I know when he has tattoos all over his face.

It fucking drives me crazy when they fucking thank Jesus and God. And you can tell they're religious. You know, when you go to jail, everybody becomes religious. And you can see his people walking out the gate. You can see the Bible get thrown up in the air. You just see it going to fuck this. That was bullshit. You know, they don't really believe.

They just talk that nonsense. And there's people who talk that nonsense on you. And you look at them and you're like, you're so fucking shallow, you know. I know the religious people are. I was watching that 30-30. Which one? Bill McCarthy. Have you watched that?

No, I haven't seen that one yet. Very interesting because I lived in Boulder at the time. So it was Salon Nessie and his daughter and what was going on in Boulder. But I used to go to Sacred Heart Church when I moved to Boulder. I used to, I was lost in 87. After I fucking went through 22 kilos of blow, I was kind of lost. So my girlfriend and my wife at the time. and her family went to Sacred Heart and I was Catholic.

I figured let me just go back and try to get a little faith. And I went back and my wife, my girlfriend at the time, would always get mad at me. For what? Because I was sit in the back. I would never sit with her family up front. I always felt that I was a sinner and I belonged to be in the back. These are just my little personal philosophy. So I was sitting in the back.

So how deep is Catholic ingrained in you do? That's pretty intense. Horrible. You have no idea. I'm a sinner. I have to sit and back. I got to sit in the back. I got to sit in the back. Was that like a punishment at Catholic school when you broke?

It was a punishment in the back of my mind because I wasn't living the way I wanted to be living. Oh my God. For 30 years, I didn't live the way I wanted to be living. We were just talking about this outside. People who live with remorse and people come in and go, this is it. Okay, this is what the fuck I'm going to do, you know? And we're talking about sons of anarchy is a great example. We'll get to that later.

So I would sit in the back of the church. Okay. And I would just sit back there and think about all the bad fucking things I did. And I was a horrible Catholic on how it failed, you know, how it failed as a Catholic and I was a fucking thief, you know. You know, when they fucking put Jesus on the crucifix, the two guys next to him with thieves. And I always figured that I'm going to fuck him. You have no idea. Do you ever confess?

All the time. Really? You did confession? All the time. What is that? I've never done that. You got to go on and tell him a story. And then he tells you what to do and you go fucking do it.

Do you tell me all the bad things? Nobody goes in there and says, I suck 22 dicks. So there's no real confession. Do you know what I'm saying? Like nobody was going there and say, Father, last week I ate a Kualooleud, and I put a big black dick up my ass. I went to this fucking gang member's house and had 10 black guys fucking run a train up my asshole. Nobody's going to go to church and say that, okay? So there's no confession.

Did you do that? When I would go in there, I couldn't say, well, you know, Father, I would go in there and keep it very. I would go in there and say, Father, bless me, Father, five sin, it's been whatever since my last confession. I stole. I lied. I cheated and I fucking This was not me

I didn't break it down I didn't tell him that I kidnapped somebody I didn't tell him that I broke into some guy's house I didn't tell him that I robbed my godfather I just kept it very bland Okay Do you think if you hadn't done drugs You might not have been a criminal

Because it seems like The only reason you did those crimes were for drugs No No It was I've always told parents to watch what you tell your fucking kids. You have to watch what you tell

and what you do around your kids. That weekend that you make your kids stay with your parents and you go drinking and they come back and they ask you, what's a matter? And you're like, I'm hung over. And they see you hung over. That stays in your child's head. Yeah.

And your child is going to do what the fuck you're doing. If your child sees you smoking dope, you're his hero. You understand me? So when I was growing up, here's my mom, and she had these friends that were dear friends that were fucking criminals. So I was exposed to this. Was it okay for me? No.

All those years, I was a good kid. I did dumb things growing up. You know, I stole money from my godfather. I did dumb things that kids 13 and 14 do. At that age, I know I was going to be a criminal, no. Once I, once all those things. happened, I felt that the world had turned on me, so now it was my turn to turn on the world. Once you have an event happened to you, it could be anything, man.

Your central nervous system, you start asking your religion, Judaism. You learned that if you love Jesus, whatever the fuck you learn in Judaism to keep it together. Yeah. So if you doubt that and you doubt life, now you're not going to have no respect for life, but most importantly, you're not going to have no respect for yourself. Once I lost the respect from, listen, a thief is somebody who, a criminal is somebody who loses respect with themselves. Somebody who does drugs is somebody who lost respect for themselves somewhere. That's all this.

You know, when I got off the blow, I didn't work on getting off the blow, okay? That's for fucking amateurs. That's where everybody fucks up. I worked on my character. What was causing you to do blow? What? I wanted to go back to the point where I didn't do blow. So I went back to a point in my mind when I didn't do blow.

When did I do blow when I was going to karate? When I was with those kids. So what did I do? I went and joined the karate school just to open up that avenue. Maybe it was that that was attacking me. Most people that get off drugs, they lived their whole life getting off drugs. They don't work on the things that got them on drugs. Jesus.

Jesus, this is why it took me 30 fucking years to get off drugs. Why don't they do then rehabs? Because they don't fucking know. Because the people that are trying to get you off of rehab have never done drugs. They have gone and taken a fucking course on your mind. Nobody knows the fucking human mind. Especially when you do drugs.

You have no idea. If they set 10 real junkies in the room, I'm not talking 10 fucking AA rejects that come and tell you about the night that changed their life. I'm talking about when people really go, dog, I didn't have suicidal thoughts. Well, let me tell you what I was thinking.

Let me tell you what I was thinking of five. the fucking morning. Okay, well, I was not fantasizing about, but kind of glamorizing. You know, this is what people don't tell you. So when you go to rehab, we have to stay clean. They focus on staying clean until you get their eye again. They don't focus on the things that got you high. What got you high? Where did you break down? What happened? Give me a week. What happened? And all of a sudden, you hear these guys spouting when they were 13, their fucking lizard. They seen their dead step on. It's something so fucking. fucking simple that broke you down as a human being how long to take you to figure out what it was like

Did you sit down for like a couple weeks and just think like I sat down for a couple years at night at the end of the night when I was going down on the coke You have this huge crash you have this huge depression I don't know if it's like this for pills or whatever the fuck it's like And I would want to not kill myself But I think about what the fuck is going on with my life and I'd make these dumb notes and And whatnot I'm sitting in I'm like a second when didn't i do drugs what what what age that i detest that because there was an age where i detested all that shit i understood the marijuana let me tell you something i always understood

marijuana so you never considered that a drug no i always understood marijuana from day one because i saw people giggling i saw a drug that made fucking people giggle and get out of their heads for an hour i saw people so you would see people high yeah i saw my godfather high a lot my god my god my real catholic the godfather, the guy who baptized me, was the first stone I had contact with. And he was great when he was stoned. When I was a kid and he'd be stoned, my life would be a fucking paradise with him.

Movies and food? Movies and food. And stupidity. He'd giggle. He'd fucking giggle. I've been thinking about my godfather since last Sunday at church. I don't know why.

And I looked them up online. You know, we were talking about, my wife went on to a fucking thing yesterday about a documentary she saw about some woman who was a cheat on Netflix she steal diamonds she was the greatest diamond thief and and my wife was blown away at two things she was blown away at the woman's ability to lie and she was blown away at the she never knew about a person's commitment you know we're talking about commitment and I was telling her I was like

She didn't understand. I was telling me, when I used to go in the jewelry stores, you have to do certain things. You know, you have to, like she said, the lady would tell her truth to rob something, you know, to gain trust. All these things that a lot of people don't understand, but regular, normal people don't understand. It's hard to. It's hard to understand. Like, for me, the hardest part would be the worry that I was going to get caught. Like, just always looking over my shoulder.

That seems bananas to me. part of being okumel you know people say that they do drugs to well comedians okay like i was watching the kettison thing and all because comics go home and they want to keep that energy going so they do coke that's a great fucking cop-up that's just a great fucking cop-out not the case no because there's times i go home now and i just want to drink coffee and smoke a joint and go to sleep so the energy somewhere went that that's just something they say you know he wants to keep whatever But it's so interesting how Excuse me

I gotta tell you what my biggest fucking rush was In life? In life, like my biggest rush. I grown up, my biggest rushes were Taking a bicycle and jumping off a ramp Like the first time I fucking took a bike And made a ramp, you know

And I landed on my rear tire, Jesus fucking Christ That makes me nervous just thinking about it But it was the three It was a three foot drop I ain't no fucking evil con evil. I was always a half a fucking bag When I came for that shit

Jumping off buildings and shit I got to walk around with a cast and people are going to sign it. And my foot smells like an asshole and fuck all that noise. So that's like your biggest rush. And then I got really good at basketball, you know, and, you know, when you finger somebody or you suck somebody's titty when you're in the eighth grade or when you're a freshman or you, you know, you see a pussy or something like that. But then, you know, like a big rush for a young man is when you think you're a man,

when you're walking to a bar for the first time. And, you know, just anything like that, that's a big rush. Exciting moments. Now, let's talk about rushes. Let's talk about something that makes your fucking heartbeat and your ears ring. Okay. There's nothing for me when I would break a door down or climb through a window and I'd land on the other side of that window. And there'd be nobody home.

And I knew where the Coke was. You have no, just thinking about it makes me going to take a shit from the anxiety I'm getting right now. What if the cops come? What if they come home? What if the neighbors hear you? Listen, when you, it's like anything else in life. Why did you try comedy? What if you failed?

What if you weren't funny? Listen. The others, you just get a different job. You don't even think about that stuff. Oh. I know you here, Lee. Right? I come here once a week.

I come here three nights a week. I buy powder from you. I particularly don't fucking like you. And I know you don't fucking like me. You always got some fucking smart. You always got some fucking half a fucking moron here. or something like this or whatever, some jerk off. I know you got four to five ounces in here at all times.

I know you got six or seven thousand in here. I know you got a safe, but I know that I could fucking break into that fucking safe. I know I can hit it with a sledgehammer or throw it out the window or whatever or maybe you don't have a safe. I don't know. And I sit across the street. I come over here and I cop a few times from me. I never make myself suspicious. I never catch you catch me looking around.

So you just go and just look I'm always watching you and I'm always talking to you But meanwhile I'm looking at that window I'm looking at the drop I'm looking at what I'm going to have to knock over One day I know that your schedule I know that at 3 I found out

That at 4.30 every day you've got to leave him And pick up your kit Uh-oh And you're gone for about an hour So for three or four days in a row I'll come over here At 3 park over there, watch you walk out, getting your car and leave,

and I'll sit there until you come back. Now, when I'm watching for you, I'm also watching for cops. I'm watching to see patrols. I'm watching to see, no, I'm not obvious. There's got to be something across the street, a restaurant. Did you have like a mentor? Or are you just doing this based off of instincts? Because I would not know about...

I base this off instincts. This is how I fucking did it. Okay. Jesus. I ask questions without asking questions about you through different people. So let me an example. How dangerous is weak? Not that dangerous.

If I take this fucking six ounces, is he going to come looking for me with a fucking pistol? Is he going to come? Whatever. You know? Who does he know? He might be a friend of somebody. That dude might have a friend.

Or like be like with the mob or something? He might have a friend. So you got to watch all these things. But if he's just some fucking jerk off and he's trying to be cool and he fucking thinks he's cool and you just don't fucking like him, there you go. You got your window. So let's pretend I want to break into here.

In the fucking daytime, the front door is open. Right. This fucking lock, I could pick this with my eyes closed, this fucking lock, because it's got a thing on the outside of the door. I just popped that with a screwdriver and I kicked this fucking door in. I could do this too, and I could kick the door in, come in, get your stuff, and jump out that fucking window. I would case that window. I was crazy, Lee.

But let's get back to the rush. Yeah. The rush disca gave me when your heart's beating out of your fucking chair. And I would do everything straight. I never got high. Business is business. The whole day before? No, I would get, like, I would always do my little robberies.

I try to do them in the mornings. Okay. I always try to do my shit at 11 o'clock, 12. You don't want to be hidden with like the night? No, no, no, no. The night makes it worse. You're in the daytime. You blend.

You blend. You blend kicking a door down? That's the beauty. How do you blend kicking a door now? You just blend. I just forgot my case. We came here four weeks ago. We came here five months ago, two months ago.

And there was some guy laying in the hallway here. And he ended up robbing the fucking chick. That guy's outsighted everybody. Okay. We all thought he was passed out. You follow him? We saw him there, but we didn't really see him. Can you describe him to the cops?

He had long hair, but that's about it. You saw him, but you didn't see him. That's the fucking talent. Yeah, but he was homeless. How do you know? Did you talk to him? You assumed that he was homeless. You think there's a guy out there who does, like, makeup and, like, pretends to be drunk and lays on floors and office buildings?

Whatever it takes to take you off balance. That's a professional. We didn't you get him on the podcast When I was grown up, Sy Lawrence He'd walk into a place, slipped, fall He'd sell the whole package to you We were just talking about Commitment

If you're going to be a criminal You know, we're talking about One of the cheesiest shows of all time What's the kid's name Who tries to kill himself when he kills the junkie chick? Speed, whatever And we're talking about my son's anarchy outside Right

We're talking about the dude that Did you watch that episode? He tries to take the kilo of Coke. Yeah, juice. Juice. Then he hangs himself. He tries, whatever. Yeah, that was scary.

Okay. A guy like Jack's Teller, a fictional character like Jack's Teller. Okay. Has no remorse. He'll pull a gun on you and shoot you. There's people out there that are like that. You don't know them until you meet those people. When I was a kid, I met those people.

So I know they exist. So I know my boundaries. I know people who fucking wave a gun and talk. a big game and I know people will take a gun out and shoot you and brought their and not give a fuck So like you could just by shaking a person's hand could figure out how you're gonna deal with them? No, no, I didn't say that. I just said that in life There's people that you know, so what but so how do you decide whether or not you can fuck with them or not? When they pull a fucking gun out and put it down your fucking throat and shoot you

I'm so you have to fight by then but it's too yeah You follow me you never know the animal you're fucking dealing with you know if we look at the Three last big TV characters that we've dealt with. We've dealt with some great TV characters. We've dealt with Walter, right, in Breaking Bed. Yeah, he's good. Right? This guy wasn't a tough guy.

He wasn't a heavy. He was nerd. And I'm just talking about whatever, bullshit. But the characters that we've had, then you've had, now I've met people like Walter that aren't heavy. Their heaviness is their genius. Yeah, like the guy, the guy who did the chicken, whatever, the Spanish dude, Poile Hermanos or whatever The guy who owned that Walter Fring

And then the black dude In sons of anarchy The guy Pope Who is just like a business dude They turn what they do into a genius And you have to respect that in a way When you see a guy like Pablo Escobar Making 60 million a week

Or whatever the fuck he was making You have to sit there and realize That guy on the first of the month starts from zero He starts from zero like we do He figured out a way To You know Whatever on the

system. I'm not talking about a hero here. I'm just talking about a person's character. You talk about a guy like Tony Soprano, all right, compared to Walter, that he'll shoot you. Right. He was ruthless. And sometimes I know that I say things and I look at your face and you've never heard somebody say shit like that. That's why I've always loved the character of Tony Soprano

because he sucks everything up and he moves on with it. he knows this is a business. We got no time to fuck around. I know deep down inside. You ever see when he were talking? He'd go, I know deep down inside. These guys don't like me. But what they don't know is I don't like them.

This is a business. We're just fucking a business here. This is a business. And before everything, there's business. There's an episode when he goes, Tony, I got there late. You know how it is to have a kid? I had to pack the car up.

Didn't you do that? He goes, no, I never did that. He's serious. He never. did that there's guys that you know my ex-wife she used to bitch that when her dad was in uniform he never picked them up there's people who respect what the fuck they're doing and they don't play around i get i understand i look at mercy i look you straight in the face as a man when i had jacky i would kill you i was fucking that crazy because i was i don't know what i was trying to prove

and i don't know where the drugs were taking my mind i look at mercy now at my age now and i couldn't And imagine doing what I was doing at 20 to make a living. I don't know how a person with a child could carry a gun. That's beyond me. Like I look at my stepdad. I look at what my mom was doing. I look at what the people around me were doing. I thought you wanted a gun.

I thought you were. I want a gun, but for protection. Okay. I'm talking about I don't understand how people with a kid could get in that car today at my age now, what I know and what I've seen, could get in that car. Like the worst thing I could do right now, if I stopped doing comedy and stop doing this podcast and I had to make a living, I'd probably bookmake. That's the safest thing I would do with a child. Sportsbook, numbers, little gambling.

That's the safest thing I would do. Or I'd get into the legal medical marijuana business. You follow me. That's the only option I have is a criminal. For me to, let's say I was Italian and to come out. of jail and have a baby at 52 and have to go out and be a captain and smack people and shoot people and have stolen stuff around me and fucking deal with people i well are you kidding me that's softened me right up yeah mercy took the winds out of my fucking sales could you have done it without

mercy do you think oh fuck yeah that's what it's in my dna okay so i understand compartmentalizing like the stuff you do as your job right and i get the rush but three days later when you hear the cops are looking for you or three days later when you see the story in the newspaper you don't get nervous the cops only looked at me maybe two or three times in my life that's two or three more times three maybe four times oh god cops came to places where i were and arrested me and let me out an hour two later like 10 times that's a lot but cops were actually looking for me in my life like looking for me looking for me maybe three or four times and they found me and they never found me, I turned myself in.

In Seattle, they came for me for a warrant that I was issued because I didn't show up to court. But I didn't know the warrant got issued. Do you understand what I'm saying? When they were looking for me for the kidnap, they came out in the paper, they were looking for another suspect. My name was not. But you never got nervous?

Like, you never had that anxiety about that? Like, I understand that it's part of the business, but... That's part of the... You got to be positive. You got to be positive. Listen, when you're on the other end of that robbery, you know who robbed you. Seven out of ten times, six out of ten times. Your first thought is always the correct.

If it's a drug robbery. But then you can't turn them in or you can or how do you know? Or, yeah, I guess with the drugs, you can't turn them in. Money you could. If you were a drug dealerly and you sold drugs for a few years and all of a sudden you got robbed, you'd make an inventory. Who knew you had the stuff? Who was asking questions?

Who you saw around the building? That's another thing. If one of your friends saw me at that restaurant across the street eating and looking at you, I'm done. Yeah. The scam is done. So I have to, Oh, my God. You have no idea how I used to have to case joints.

Did you ever get caught? Because I was going to ask. Tons of time. In your car, you might have... Tons of time got caught. Tons of your excuse. I was in the neighborhood eating. Oh, my God.

What's happening? Nothing. And when you're case in the joint, you're not sitting there with fucking bonocke. It was like the DEA. That's why the feds always get made because they're fucking stupid. They sit there or they get an apartment. You see the curtains moving. You know, you make somebody, you drive by.

You drive by. You have to have a purpose to go there. You always have to have a purpose to go there. Especially if I'm a drug dealer. If I walk out there and I see Lee across the street, Lee, what are you doing here? Oh, nothing. I'm just walking the neighbor.

Boom, right away. red fucking flag. Why? Because what's he doing in my neighbor? If he's not doing something, he should be coming to my neighbor, he should be coming here. He shouldn't be going, walking around the fucking, now let's say there's a Chinese place across the street. And you go to the Chinese place and you bring people with you. Okay. I'm going to tell you a story real quick. Okay. And we'll go to break here. There was this kid when I was growing up. I didn't really fucking dig him at all. His dad was a mobster. He left a wife. He was a being raised by his mom.

The kid was a sport fucking little fuck. And he I think I told this to he fucking later on after high school when I went to Colorado and I came back and I was buckwile.

I tried to work. I came back in 84 and I tried to work from February to like May of June and I said fuck this shit. This is not working. I'm going for it. Just criminal stuff? Just criminal stuff. Bar-tending to keep me sane but just criminal all these stuff selling coke if i could rob something i'd rob it if i went to a party some

i was always on the fucking make bro i could not be fucking trusted okay i cannot be fucking trusted i had my friends who i would never rob but i loved the holloways conti shit like that but i had i loved i was a 24-7 criminal and one day i found that this kid was selling coke and i knew his stupid hours he had a day job and he partied all night but he came home for lunch to get him Coke. Did he sell Coke during lunch? I don't know what he did, but he came home for lunch. Okay.

So my scam was, I didn't want to catch him before lunch. I had to catch him as he was leaving. Why? Because it gave me more time. All I would have was 8 to 12, and then he would know and he wouldn't go back

to work, and he'd be hunting all of us down. This gave me, I just told. To like at least 5 or 6? Right. So I clipped this guy like 10 after one As he was leaving, I went in And I got him for like an ounce of blow And $1,200 bucks, whatever

First thing I did after I robbed him Was I hung up to the corner To the neighborhood deli where we hung out I got a sandwich and a yuhu And a potato salad on the arm And I borrowed 20 bucks I signed for 20 bucks out of the register Because I knew when the kid

We got robbed, he was gonna go up there looking for me And the guy was gonna go, you're crazy He just was up here And he got a sandwich on the end And he borrowed 20 bucks. Jesus. I was covered the whole fucking while. I would not do a line of Coke.

I would take the money I robbed from you and give it to one of my friends. And I'd take the Coke and stash, and I would not touch that Coke for two days. So he couldn't tell it all. But then this is another question I've always had. When you stash it somewhere, I'd always be thinking about it. Like, I'm like, I don't know if it's even still. Maybe rats got it. Like, you don't worry about it?

Sometimes I would sell it and flip it and keep a little bit. do a couple bumps that night, but mostly I would stay clean for two days. Just so if he came at me, I was clean. What are you talking about? Look at me. I haven't done a fucking line in two days. You're wrong. And then he would ask around, was Coco out last night getting in line?

Fuck, no. We haven't seen him in two days. He was out there and I drink club soda. Jesus. It's a commitment from A to Z, dog. It's a commitment for me to Z. We were talking about remorse. I was a horrible person, not that I had.

hurt people, nothing like that, but I was robbing people. Do I feel bad about it today? Fuck, yeah. There's certain people I feel horrible about, but it's done. It's water under the bridge. Have you apologized? I've tried. What do they say? Fuck you. That's understandable? There's a couple people I don't want to apologize to. My godfather, I really do. I feel that I could tell the couple times I seen him that he was heartbroken. And now as I get older, I know what that heartbreak is with one of your friends and you don't get along or something. I could see it. I didn't understand the heartbreak at 21, 22 when I had done that to him.

You know, so I feel really bad about shit like that. But I had no remorse at the time. If it was between me and you, you were going down, Jack. You were going fucking down. If I was in a pinch, I would just take those, I loved it. I fucking loved it. And that's why I think I like comedy as much as I do. That's the point I was getting to.

Because the only thing that gave me a rush, like comedy in the beginning, was, like, thiefing, was comedy. I love my heart to beat. Oh, my God. I used to... Is it when you're killing? What about comedy gets you that rush? Excuse me. You know, it gets me just going up there.

That first 20 seconds, man, is fucking phenomenal. And once you learn how to control that rush, that's and now I understand roller coasters I don't fucking like roller coasters I love roller coasters all right I'm scared I'm a pussy for roller coasters but I would never judge somebody who went on roller coasters

because I understand what it's like they control that that rush but is it is it like it does it have to be an ovation or could it be four people just the fact that I'm going on stage those 30 seconds

as you're walking up the crowd going The applause and all that, that's bullshit. That's a complete different part of the game. Just getting up there. Just sitting in the, listen, you know, it's like me saying, you listen, you're going to jail in 20 minutes and sit here on this couch. You're going to sit on a fucking couch.

Well, it's the same concept. You have to make it like that. Like, for me, I turn it into fun. For some people, it's horror. Like public speaking? Oh, yeah, that would be. In front of 200 people, the first time you did it at the laugh factor, you were falling up and bless you high, you're very good at it now.

Well, I had done out of the ice house. That laugh factory was pretty tough, but that's... Jesus, it's crazy. Did you ever, when you were a starting comic, ever to pretend you were announcing yourself at a comedy club? Coming to the stage. The crowd goes wild. Joey Diaz. I can't remember that I did, but in the beginning of comedy, I was very clichéish.

Really? Like, you know, I believe that you had to see it before it could happen, you know? And you do. You really fucking as dumb as that sound. As dumb as that fucking sounds, you're not going to be good at something unless you see it happening. Like, you kind of see it in your mind sometimes. I was a huge daydreaming when I was a kid, but like that I could always imagine myself doing things like that. It's weird.

We all do. If you're not fucking dreaming, you're not alive, man. Think about that. You know, what gets us to the next level? A dream. Every fucking time, every time. If you think about it, we'll get you to the next level. You're going to deliver pizza or go back to Boston.

It wasn't a dream to get a job, but you had to think of something. Yeah, that's true. You have to see it first. And then it happens. You know what? I was sitting there last night. I see this documentary. I called you, whatever, one in the morning.

First time I ever called you after like 11. That was the first time. Really? Was it? Yeah, because I was like, this is an idea. That's commitment. That's what we're talking. You know, when you don't commit, you're going to fucking live in doubt.

Like, juiced it. You're going to fucking be dizzy and that I do the right thing. You know what, man? You go for it. You don't look back. Whether you're a fucking thief, a race car driver, you've got to do 150 miles a fucking hour. You just step on it. And you go, what am I going to do?

And it's horrible. It gives me anxiety. It gives you that, that's when that's the whole fucking game right there. that's what you want. You know, what makes Paul a fucking get up and go to law school and do homework? Jesus fucking Christ, can you imagine? Jesus fucking Christ,

14 hour days in a law firm typing, looking at contracts. There's a dream that you have. I don't know. And then you've got to say, well, you know, 14 hours, that's a fucking hell of a fucked up dream, but this is going to get me somewhere to where I don't have to do this.

I could do this side of the fucking law. Yeah, I mean, you always have to assume that you're going to start at the bottom, especially nowadays. I know you probably don't remember exactly, but if you had to guess around that time, where would you be daydreaming about you doing comedy? Like, was it a certain club? I would just, I would daydream at night. When I got home, whether I had a good set or a bad set, I would daydream that things were going to get better. Do you know what I'm saying?

You know, I would daydream that I would have an apartment and I would have a car. And I would daydream that I was just working certain clubs. But one of the most obvious clubs that I wanted to work was the comedy underground in Seattle. And you just think about it. And I would think about that club. I think about the comedy works in Denver at the time, like headlining someday. Like, I didn't even see this other side of the business. I just saw that I was going to stick it out.

So let's say I went home and I had a great set. That would fuel my goals. You're like I'm doing this tomorrow. And if I would go home and have a bad set to take away this thing from the bad set, I would fuel the dream with tomorrow. Did it have anything to do? Do you playing your sets at all? Or was it just the act of doing stand-up?

I would think I was just the act of doing stand-up, because I knew I would get better. That's interesting. That's really cool. I knew I would get better. So I would talk myself into it, whether I had a good set or a bad set. If I had a good set, forget about it. I was getting closer to the Seattle Underground.

And that's so weird because I dreamed about Seattle from probably March of 94. Like I had a little list, you know. Of places you wanted to do? Every time I would go to the Denver comedy work on which end or McElvey's on the way out, I would take the paper. Even if it was the same paper, I did that as a reminder that I went out that night. Do you follow me? So in those days, yeah, I went from Monday to Friday. I went out to different comedy clubs with my line.

I went out to different bars, you know, country, western barns. Like I did, I would do a line dancing class. I didn't do the line dancing class. I would do comedy after the line dancing class. You never joined him? No, I was embarrassed. That was when achy, breaky heart was big.

Way before you even, you know, this is Miley Cyrus's dad that started that whole fucking line dancing. We would get there, a quarter of seven, a quarter of eight, and I would just sit in my car

and watch them. And then as soon as I see Andy Payton, that was his name, he would go to the state and say, good evening, and five minutes, the comedy show is going to start. And here, you know,

you were beginning, comic you're ready to do comedy there's 80 people in the room and Andy Payton will go up and the show's going to start in five minutes if you want to stay stay and all of a sudden the whole room would get up and leave right in front of you and you sit there like I drove all the way here and they'd be like an old couple and some young kid and maybe two fact girls and you go up there and do comedy for like seven people on a Sunday night that's the truth for no money, sometimes 25 bucks, sometimes 20 bucks. But you still have the same rush as you do as when you do.

And then I would drive home and let's say Tuesday night, I went to the Comedy Works for the open mic. I would take the newspaper. If I went to McElvey's on Friday to do a guest set or Saturday, I would take the paper. He'd always have that comedy newspaper there. And even if I had read it already, I would take it home just to circle my goals that night.

Do you follow me? And all of a sudden I go to Michigan. I talk to a friend of mine. I go, when can you? Can I go on the road with you? And he goes, just pick a week. And I pick Detroit. And I met a girl.

And fucking, the girl's telling me that in two weeks she's moving to Seattle. Jesus. So all that plan. And did she invite you? No. She didn't need to. I just, you know. I guess I'll move to Seattle too.

Put some music on Coxsuck. Monday, November 9th. Me and Lee going old school tonight here. question and answer bullshit and Lee's eyeballs is starting to get red in the shit he wore a purple shirt tonight.

Starting to get red. I'm high as a fuck tonight. I feel good. Very nice combination of stars, the chocolate, the hash. The only one was better. Yeah, the hash is tremendous too.

I want to be around don't worry about Liam. My fucking ear buds are already blown out. Why blow them out even more? When somebody breaks your heart some, somebody

twice as Smart As I A somebody Who Kettlebell's tomorrow Jiu Jitsu at 945 We're meeting

I don't know if you're going That early I'll see how I feel I got to go and sweat a little bit Kettlebell's at 11 I got acupuncts them I'm surprised she hasn't called me to confirm

I got a spot at the store tomorrow and I've been busy a couple fucking days I put this audition down for a pretty funny fucking show Lee. And did they ask you to audition? Or are you sending it in by yourself? I sent it in already.

I went on... But did they ask you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's cool. And it's a pretty interesting show, but like, my lines are fucking out there. Is it something you could be on every week? I think I'm too old. Let me tell you something, what I did, guys, today.

Last week, I went to spend $369 to confirm what I already know. I'm an ugly old cock-sock. The understanding. And you get old quick people. You have no fucking idea. Why do they charge you for that? That's what you cost for headshots. Oh, I didn't know what you did.

Okay. What do you think? I know I'm fucking ugly book. Today I got the pictures. She took 80 pictures, all of them. We could put them in a horror magazine. It's fucking a horror show. I don't even know what the fuck I'm looking at them for.

I'm looking at these things going, wow, wow. You got to really stop doing drugs early. You got to catch yourself. And you got to take good care of yourself when you're young. If not, you get old fucking quick. Dog, I was in shock. But I know. I accepted it.

What are you going to do? You can't stay like, you know, I can't let like a bread pit forever. No, why? They don't even need to be $369 to look at these pictures and go, oh, my God, it's almost over. It's almost fucking over. Is that all you're thinking is you're looking at them? That's all I was thinking. I wasn't upset.

I know, you know, as long as you know this going in. So you're going to use any of them or no? I have no idea. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with these things. What poses did you do? Oh, you know, Mr. Olympia poses sitting by the pool. You know, what kind of poses do they do for a headshot leave those dumb fucking things? And, you know, it's like, I got nine chins.

I got a fucking, oh, no, no, I had a fucking, this pimple was alive and kicking over my head. So every picture, I got a red dot. So I got to take it to the luda finishing out and blow the fucking pimple. You know, I hate that shit. I like La Bella Figura to come in fucking full effect. You know what I'm saying? I feel you, Doug. I'm pretty sure I'm going to shave my head tomorrow.

That's what you want to do. You know, walk around for fucking a Jew holiday with no hair. What are you going to do? I work with this guy, one of my last TV jobs, and he had, like, no hair, but he still kept it. And I remember thinking, I was like, if I ever look like that, I'm going to kill him. I have to shave it. And we moved the camera positions today, and I looked, and I was like, oh, bro, this is going down further and further. I always thought I had more in the back, but, you know, I always thought I had more in the back,

but it's just gone now. I had no idea. You think it's the Rifa? Nah. Who knows? Maybe they're abandoning ship, but everyone in my family's bald. Literally everybody.

So I think I'm my... Your brother? Yeah, he actually shaves it too. He's been shaving it for a while. I think I'm just doing it. Was it tough feeling? No. At any level,

I just want, I had a friend that it was very, my God, I think back on how how much time. time and effort he took to hide, conceal, spray paint, go to fucking tests, vitamins, rubs, magicians, I mean, I think of his life and it was just brutally. I took propitia as a kid.

But no, what's propitia? It's a pill to stop it. How old will you? Maybe middle school. And it stops. It does stop the hair loss, but then they came out that it like fucks with your dick. they took me off of it but I think

for me I was just chubby from like an early age so like even I'm just now learning like what kind of clothes to get I would always just get jeans and polo shirts that's all I would get because that's really it would fit so I never

I never like was that like into like going for girls I was always shy and everyone in my family was bald so I was like yeah it's just gonna happen I was short I'm short and bald like yeah just and Add another thing.

I just know that a lot of, you look at a lot of men and they've gotten the thing. And it's torture for them. You know, I had a friend that, you know, I love him. And for years, he lied about, you know, and I accepted it because I couldn't imagine. What are the options? The comb over which looks stupid. Getting plugs, I guess, which I guess is looking better, but I don't know. I don't know what the...

The plug, stupid. still looks like a fucking wig. Does it really? To me it does. There's a guy that does a thousand commercials. You know who I'm telling him? He's a white guy. Nice smile.

He does a thousand commercials. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I look at the hair and I go, like American Hair Club. He does, no, no, no, he does everything but American Hair Club. He does he, now he's in a commercial. He's in a race car, and he gets in the past. And you see the chick drives.

He's always in a fucking commercial. He's got hair plugs. And whatever. I mean, I'm not mad at him. I just always, from my perspective, I wanted to know why my friend Glenn lost it. I mean, this went on, and it was a friend of his, so when he had a few cocktails,

and he'd take Valium or whatever, he'd spill the beans to me, and I'd sit there, and I'd feel bad inside. Like, I want to grab and go, your dad is, no, his dad was involved. Did he love his hair? Would he, like, spend a lot of time on his hair? No, when he started realizing he was losing,

his hair he went nuts oh I always just knew I guess from the spray I remember going in his car with him and him going to look around and I thought out we were gonna do a blast of coke and all of a sudden he'd open up his window they'd take a spray can and he'd spray the back of his fucking head like shh and I'd go what the fuck I didn't know what he was doing I tried Rogan for a couple weeks for like he did rogain he did he did the stuff you rubbed He went to a specialist where you rub stuff. He went to a, like an organic healer.

Thousands. Thousands upon thousands. I don't think there's any way to reverse it other than... I could see now, I'm losing my hair. I've been losing my hair for fucking 10 years. From these head shot today, I was like, wow, I've lost a lot of hair. Does it forget my head? No, because this is part of who the fuck you are.

Listen, somebody once told me something when I got the Hollywood, they go, you're going to win the whole time. they go good looking guys get old and they get ugly you're ugly to start with you're gonna get ugly and old it's not gonna matter you're gonna stay the same which makes sense but you look at these guys like Richard

gear he's old now you know Val Kilmer ain't the same fucking Val Kilmer from Top Gunn he ate a thousand fucking cheeseburgers what about are you gonna see the new the new Rocky from what I'm hearing yes really it's supposed to be good

yeah they already put an order in for a sequel Jesus Christ Because it's scoring so high in the whatever Listen man We've had this talk about tons of people From myself to David Tell To just because somebody is not What's that word to you

Appealing to you? Like you're like oh fuck him Doesn't mean he's not doing good work Stallone is a fucking genius You look at the guy and you're like look at this moron How many fuck he has two of the biggest Well, people could describe brands today, right? That's what people say.

Everything's branding. Well, guess what? Who do you think invented the branding? Sylvester Stallone? Rainbow and Rocky. One started in 70 and one started in fucking 80, 81. So what branding are you fucking talking about, fucko? And my issue isn't really with Stallone.

It kind of is because they wouldn't do the movies if he didn't want to. My issue is just like, what is it number seven? Wait a second. They wouldn't do the movies if they didn't make money. Let's get it. It's not because he goes in there and says, Fuck you. They do it because he goes, they tell him.

Go back and write another script. He's going to run around about Rambo, Killin Isis, a 70-year-old with muscles and explosions, you know. Oh, no, no. And we forgot the expendables. Another franchise, another brand. You fucking morons out there believe that everybody has brand. No.

What do you think of meant it, branding? That fucking Momo. That fucking Momo. You know, whatever. Seven movies. What are they put now? They're doing a remake of the Magneto. The magnificent seven? Listen, did you see what happened two weeks ago in Hollywood?

What happened? It was the lowest box office in fucking 30,000 years. Oh, they've been terrible. No, no, no, no, no. Two weeks ago, the Bradley Cooper movie made $5 million, opening weekend, and the Sandra Bullock movie made $4.3 million. Jesus. Okay, that's Sandra Bullock and that fucking Momo who played the retard, who was married to Angelina Jolie.

Listen, these new kids now, these young kids, They don't give a fuck about that fucking dude. They don't give a fuck about that dude. And Sandra Bullock, guess what? It's time for you to show those titties and that pussy. Because it's over. That good girl persona, nobody wants to see no more. It's over.

Who gives a fuck that you're voting and you're edgy and you got a black adopted kid? There you go. $4.3 million. That's the beginning of the end. Bradley Cooper, who my wife can't figure out, I love. I love mother. Have you seen Bradley Cooper interview?

No. He interviews well. funny he's one of those crazy white dudes that he's fun if you get him a little drunk and you make him smoke a number or something I like you could tell he doesn't go overboard I saw one interview and he was not breakdancing but popping oh yeah he was talking about he would pop or whatever you know they there's too much entertainment there's too much it's it's too much it's coming at you now from all over so for 895 a month I can get Netflix what the fuck when I

go to the movies. Exactly. There's documentaries on there. There's movies. There's this, there's that. Everything is on fucking Netflix. I don't go to the movies even with Netflix, but Paul and I were talking this weekend. We don't remember the last time we went until like, we saw Black Mask, which was a disappointment. And then that's really it. Like, this has been a really slow movie year. I went to see Mission. I told my wife, I still love Tom Cruise.

You know me, I'm a Tom Cruise dude from way back. All right. Why? I don't know. I like Tom Cruise. I like Tom Cruise. I like Tom Cruise when he played with Jack Nicholson in that movie. Oh, he's a great actor.

I like Tom Cruise. I don't care about the Scientology. Whatever the fuck he does on the side, it's his fucking craziness. But I like Tom Cruise. But I think I was talking to my wife that I tell you who they have to use, that they haven't been using. That's that kid from the sons of anarchy. Jack's tell him.

They've got to use him and more stuff. He's perfect. He's English? They've got to start using this. He's English? Don't you see it. Don't you hear his accent come through? It's terrible.

He has to really struggle with it. No, I didn't notice it. Come on. I'll have to go home. Tonight when you go home, IMDB, whatever his name is, Charlie Hunan, and pick a movie that he's been in and click to that movie. He's English. He's English or he's English. You didn't know that, did you?

No. Listen to him. Sometimes he fucks up his words. What episode was I watching that he just, he did? And they, you know, you can't catch everything. No, I have to, I, I've been impressed with him. Like, his, I think he's, like, really intimidating. So I'll have to, I never heard the English accent at all.

Yeah, he's English. That's pretty cool. He played a gay dude in a show called, the comedian was in it. Nice kid. I forget what his name is. And he played a gay as whatever or something. Just IMD. Charlie Hunan.

And he was, and he'll tell you where he's from, the whole family. I thought you knew that Lee. No, I had no idea. Let's see. Oh, my God. I'm fucking high as fuck. So anyway. Those are good.

I don't know if you guys. Yeah, he's British. He's British. I told you. Do you want me to look for that gay movie? No, no. What's the name of the TV show? It says television series from maybe 2000 to 2007 or eight.

He was on a TV show. Undeclared? No. What TV shows has he been on, Charlie? Young Americans, queer as folk. Queer as folk. What the fuck you think I'm done? He played a gay dude, I think.

I'm assuming. Yeah. What do you think you think you're dealing with some novice here? You think I just fell off the fucking banana boat? No. So I went to Portland, Oregon. Great place. I was high as soon as I landed, though.

Was it a Burbank flight? Burbank flight. Oh, nice. Nice like a doctor. They put you in a little Puerto Rican plane. So I sat next to a guy, a construction guy, with a helmet and everything. Did he give you anxiety? Every time he turned towards the window, the armpit, the whiff came out.

It was horrendously fucking bad. There was only one stewardess. I was hitting that vapor pen like a soldier. I was fucking baked by the time I got to, I got to port. Any edibles? No edibles. I didn't take any edibles with me. So the first fucking day I get to Portland.

and I go on this guy's radio show and we're having a nice conversation and I told him how I felt about, you know, the documentary and how the bullies and the guy fucking went crazy. It was the weirdest thing. It was, you know. You told me about it and I just went and found it online.

He put it up as a podcast. And you guys were having a good conversation. Like, you guys were, like, and then you told the story that you've told a bunch about your mom, making you go fight another guy. And he was like, do you think that's the problem, violence? You know, man, Lee, I tell you what happened to me,

that was a big turning point in my life. My mom did two things to me. One time she picked me up at that Catholic school, and on the drive, she's like, before we go home, you got to go to the bar and fight this kid. Why? Because he had spit at him. I was maybe nine.

How old was a kid? Maybe 10 or 11 or 12. And my mom told him. the kid to be there Friday at a certain time that her son was gonna fuck him up this is how crazy my mom was and I remember fighting the kid on the side of the fucking bar

we put like maybe three or four punches at each other and I cut his lip and he fucking got his buddy and that was the end my mom gave me like 50 bucks I was a fucking national hero that's what I daydreamed about it sometimes because I never got into a fight I would daydream about

fighting the people who are mean to me listen you know how you daydream fighting. You get punched in the fucking head and the daydream goes away, right? You don't want to be a fighter. You don't want to get hit. No, Jesus. Once you landed on me on that thing, I don't want to fight you.

You're a little torpedo, but that wasn't sticking up for yourself. You know, for years living here, I didn't stick up. As a comic, I never stick up for myself. The comedy club owners, I never stuck up for myself for years. This is recently.

Because when I was hooked on the blue, and in the beginning as a comic, I didn't know any better. You don't know how many years I took shit because I didn't know any better. From who? Like, who would give you shit? Bookers. Fucking Bookers, when I first got here,

was so fucking dickish to me. What would they do? Like, how would they be rude to you? Like, what do you want type attitude? Like, who the fuck are you to call me? Who told you to call me? Really? Are you funny?

Like, they would just have this really weird attitude. And I had it. Like, I got along with some people, but I was very fearful. One of the worst calls I ever had was I got a call from Rogan one day. And he goes, hey, do you want to work Las Vegas with me in July? And I go, yeah, I was a young comic. It's 1998. You dream.

Or all you hear is how you make all this money in Vegas. Right? Right. Now, when I first started in comedy, a lot of people kept coming up to me going, Hey man did you ever work for Steve Sharipper in Vegas and I would go no he's gonna fucking love you he's gonna fucking love you and him are an item wait till he meets you and as a comedian very funny I love him with all my heart Steve McGrew and Steve McGrew and Steve McGrew and him with tight and I remember working with Steve and Steve would go I'm gonna put a word in

family with you you and him were hit it off perfectly you and him are two peas in the pod so when I got the call from Joe Rogan like even then I didn't disrespect the guy I could called the guy and said hey Steve McRood told me to call you it's Las Vegas I was never good enough for Vegas in my mind at the time so when Joe called me I was very in shock what year was this this has to be 98 and that was your first time doing Vegas first time ever and I go yeah I love to do it and he goes all right you'll fly with me and then but call him he wants to talk to you so I call entertainment please I speak to Steve Sheripper who is Joey Diaz hold on please. Hey, Steve Shripper, how can I help you?

Mr. Shrip, this is Joey Dears. Joe Rogan said to call you. Yeah, yeah, I've been hearing a lot about you, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was weird. It was a very weird conversation. Like it wasn't, and I don't know if I said something that was off color or something. It just, it wasn't very weird, but I knew it wasn't the conversation I wanted to have. Because the week pays 200.

It's two shows. You get a meal card. And that's it. This conversation's over. Send me your bio and resume. He hangs up. Fucking two days later, I got a call from Rogan going crazy on me. What did you tell that guy? He's all pissed off.

He doesn't fucking like you now. He doesn't want me to bring you. It was the weirdest thing. And you don't get an argument partner? No, no, no, no. I had the situation with the other guy that used to book you for six nights. And then a week before the gig, he called you, and he only had two nights.

That's a scam, Leo, why I come from? He always did it. He didn't one of the once? All the time. Oh, no, they are. So what he'd say, he'd go to you, where are you September 12th through the 17th? It would be Tuesday through Friday.

I'm just assuming you go, I'm home. Okay, open up your book. The 12th, you're going to go to Ogilong, Nebraska. The 15th, you're going to go here, the 15th. You had five nights. And all of a sudden, he faxed you a fucking copy of your itinerary. And then a week before they got, you get a call from his office saying

are you home close to a fax? We have to send you a new itinerary. And you go new itinerary and she wouldn't say nothing to you. She'd say it's a new redone and all saying you get and it went from a sheet with five dates on it to a sheet with two dates on it

and it was Tuesday in like Boston and Saturday in like fucking South Carolina. Jesus. And you're like, what a second? What about the night's in between?

while we lost those well I just can't drive the South Carolina for 150 fucking dollars who would do such a thing for a whole week yeah he would say if you don't do it don't ever call me again and I'm never I'm gonna make sure you don't work the improvs Jesus you want douchebags and after I thought about like he was one of the first guys that I stuck up to but I told him I was there already and then I called them back and I said fuck you you have no show that was one of the guys that I stuck up stuck it to that liberated me.

Did that give you a rush? Did it give me a rush? Yeah. Whenever you stick up for yourself and you know you're right, it always gives you a fucking rush. But that time, look, it never affected me. He told me I would never work the Dallas or any improv

in Texas. And then I would never work in Texas again. That's what he told me. That doesn't seem to be true. No. And I took even shit here. You take a lot of shit here from people. I've noticed. You take fucking tons of

shit in the industry here from people and you got to keep your mouth shut. And then when you say something, you know what you become? The guy who says something. Difficult to work with. Yeah. We had a nice little chat tonight, Lisa. Yeah. Let me give some shoutouts. You don't want to talk more about the guy in Portland?

No, hold on. Let me give some shoutouts and we'll get this out of here. Alex Moskhov, T-F-H-4, Ryan Danzy David Bravo Steve Zoh Talking Lair Always on the fucking move

Ookie spooky Arguing with people All weekend And my man Paul Lua Fucking in the house This weekend I'll be at

The Stress Factory Next weekend I'll be at the punchline In San Francisco And then the night before Thanksgiving I'll be at the Irvine Improv What do you think about that?

Fuck all Very exciting Yes it is I had Roger Gautors On Fineser Radio We had a good time He's a nice guy Rodrigo Torres is one of my best friends in California.

He was a really good impression of you. I don't see him as much as I like to. He's an old school Spanish type kid. Yeah. That I grew up with that was straight when you were growing up that didn't do drugs. I mean, he's studying to be a lawyer. Rodrigo has seen me in some bad situations, never judge me. I'm dear friends with him and his brother.

His brother doesn't speak to us anymore. Really? Yeah. I loved his brother. You know why his brother stopped speaking to me? Why? Because of you. What did I do?

His brother wanted to be you. Oh, I'm sorry. But he had too long of a drive. He lived in Riverside. Oh, yeah. And I was put him on simple missions, and he would just destroy him. Like, I mean, it was like, this is what you want to do. But he didn't, and then he went to work for Gabriel, and he went to war with Gabriel.

because he wanted to be full time and Gabor was like, I'm just getting started, you know, hang out for a while. Come up and I take pictures and I'll give you cash, but he no, he wanted to be and then he told those guys to fuck off. And then me and him spoke and I told him what I wanted him to do. Same thing like you. Same thing. But he, no, no, no, I have an idea for a movie. What fucking movie? Let's just start with the videos. Let's just see.

He had this $8,000. a camera. He, you know, I get, I saw him, he told me as a photographer. Come up.

I get him a deuce, do some head shots. He did these pictures lead that I had a rip up. Like they were the, worst one this weekend? No, no,

I was young and in event. And these pictures, they weren't, they weren't head shots at all. They weren't focused and nothing. Then they told me wanted to shoot a Joey karate video.

I go, let's shoot the video. Guess what he did? He put the video up without editing. it. So the first eight takes he left on the fucking video. On YouTube?

On YouTube. What was his response when he asked him? Who knows, Lee? Who knows what he was thinking? Oh my God. So then he came up and I said to him, listen, this is how we're going to start. This is how we have to do it. If you're interested and

I never heard back. Thank God. And maybe two or three months later you popped up. And I bumped into him, like maybe four months later, and he was very disappointed. And I told him, I said, you never got back to me? You didn't want to put to work, brother. You know, you didn't want to put to work. You just want to get put on.

You know, he wanted to just get put on. Like, I just want to come to work. Give me a check every week. What am I going to get a fucking check for you? I don't fucking, I'm having a hard time getting a fucking check. Like, he was that. So, but Rodrigo is a great kid. I'm happy you had him on the podcast.

He's a great comic. He goes to school. He goes to Mexico. That dude will fucking tell you about history. Your mind will fucking blow up. Do you understand me? You sit Rodrigo down. You get Rodigo a joint.

He's a history fucking nerd, brother. Jeez, he wants to talk about him. Oh, my God. He didn't talk to you about that shit. No. He could break down everything in history to the T in a way that he explains it so fucking. You don't, you know, when you ask somebody a question and they talk down to you?

Yeah. He doesn't talk down. to you when he explains history he breaks it down for you beauty he explained the whole armenian thing to me the hundred the massacres it was fucking amazing i had heard the story i had read about it but he broke it down so beautifully i i fucking love people that could break history down i'm a fucking moron i don't i wish that i could take a story from history and break it down my way i just really don't know history i forgot it that's why i wanted to fucking take classes What's going on here?

Cox Suck. What are we doing this week? Look at the shape. I got to go to fucking New Jersey without you. I know. You know what? I went to look because I was going to switch my plane ticket to do the New York Comedy Festival with Ari and do a what's his name show? But Lee, they wanted it was murder.

Oh, they're killing you. It was murder. The fucking plane ticket to switch it. Oh, my God. They wanted 377 to switch the Portland plane ticket. Oh. 377. They wanted a buck 20 to change.

The fucking ticket. Animals. Yeah, if you're going to fall out with a fucking holidays, read the fine print. I'm just not. It's just, why? It's so expensive. Have you looked lately? Everywhere.

Yeah, I can't even. I'll go back to Boston at some point, but never during a holiday. I got an idea. Don't worry about Boston. Anyway. So we were talking about the bully thing. Right. And this guy went off, and then I went back to the hotel, and I went on Twitter.

and he had said some stuff, but he had said some stuff and blocked me. And I really thought about it. And I thought if I was out of bounds and I thought it had affected me. And I think about mercy. Now everything I run, I run through Mercy. What do I want Mercy to do?

There's going to come a day, any fucking day. And Mercy's going to come home and say some kid hit her. They don't accept that at that school, you know. What do you mean? Two times they throw you out. You get a walk. You get sent home the first time. The second time you get ejected from that.

Yeah. fuck around at that school. That school is by the fucking book. You have to apologize. You've got to do everything I say now. I've got to think about mercy. I have to justify this to mercy. Do I want mercy to come home and complain to me? Do I want to be one of those parents that goes

to the school and gets a teacher and pulls the teacher aside? I don't want to do that. Well, obviously, like the thing that, and I just turned it off because you can't listen to an argument so it that out, like it pissed me up. But his whole argument on Twitter was that

you were advocating assault. You're not telling Mercy to get a pipe and beat her to death. You're just saying, fight back and stand up for yourself. Maybe a punch. You're not talking about assaulting little kids. Why do you think I ask you to go to Jiu-Jitza? Beside meeting people,

I know you love Paula. Yeah. And you know what, man? You, at 20, I was prepared to fucking stab something. Like, I was crazy at 20. Like, I had some type of weapon on me. And I think that where you live, where you go with Paula,

I watch you, and you're way better than my wife. You're way better than my wife. You pay attention to your surroundings. I try to. My wife is horrifically bad. But if something ever, you know, you like to go eat at night

at weird fucking places, and I worry about you, you could take somebody down now. Keep going. Don't fucking, you know, especially those Hassan classes. Oh, that's how to kill you. They're hard.

And I know you're the type of person that even if I kick you, you wouldn't, Take me down and kick me in the stomach. You would throw me down hard and get in your car and leave with Paula. You have to assume this is going to happen someday. And you always want to be prepared. What are you going to be like Red Band and Burbank at 2 in the morning?

And some fucking black guy dresses a clowns going to fucking attack you with a knife. Jesus, they'd be terrible. I don't, yeah. There's so many advantages to this. One thing I did have at 20 that I could run, I could hit. I worked out. I lifted, you know, anything could happen. Why do you think I run around scared now?

Anything can fucking happen. I don't want to beat nobody up. I just want to be able to fucking defend myself and run and get in the car and fucking get out of there before the cops come. That's all. That's all you ever want to fucking do. But I wasn't not advocating to strike a child. You know, when I got hit with that fucking,

let's say I ever get around to write this fucking book. That's in the outline that day when I got hit with the fucking lunchbox. That stayed with me. That stays at you as a child. That fucked me up. That made me want to go home getting stitched up and getting my mother. My mother gave me like a fucking, an ear beating in the cab after I got stitched up. For getting hit?

Yeah. You know, like I was, it made me become a different, I touched that scar from time to time. Jesus fucking Christ, it's not there anymore. If I shave it, you'll see it. And right now I'm starting to faint. Just touching it, just thinking about it, how I rubbed it. and the blow was dripping down my face and how I ran from Central Park

I ran five or six fucking blocks running and the heart my heart pumping was making the blood come out more and more Jesus fucking Christ I'm gonna puically if I pass out people please don't laugh oh my God it was terrible you're okay do you mean someone?

No no I'm good just thinking about it like how much it fucked to fuck me as a kid like running home five or six blocks like running running with the blood dripping As I'm running and just going, ah, ah, and people going, can we help again? And me just pushing people. Like, I was having, like, it was my first real panic attack.

And I still remember running past my house. Like, I was in shock. I lived on 205 West 88th Street. So I came down 89th, and was I ran. I made the right. And I ran two stooped down. You were just too excited? Something happened to me, and I held on to the stoop.

And I seen the blood. Hit the fucking sidewalk. And I felt the blood dripping down my face. And something made me run up to fuck. And by that time, the lady, the lady who was cleaning the house, she knew something was going on. So they let me upstairs. I went into my house and they had to call my mother to take me to the hospital. This lady that was cleaning the house, I forget what her name was, she took me to the hospital.

They had to wait from my mom before they could stitch me up. That's fucked up. so by the time my mom got there my mom was gonna fucking throw it because first of all I wasn't supposed to be at central park oh that's why okay so right off the bat my mother was gonna beat me right there at the fucking hospital just why why couldn't you be in central park because i was supposed to be at school i played hooky in the first grade oh jesus christ joey oh no no no no this was the real deal my holy how do you play hooky in first grade i didn't go back to the afternoon session me debby dominguez and some other fucking kids just took off and And I went, I had this, I used to eat hot dogs on the corner, 89th Street by PS1.66.

They used to be a little hot dog, man, that I made tremendous fucking hot dogs. They stopped me and he used to give you an orange drink for a quarterly. It was this little fucking container. It was an orange drink, not orange juice. Little plastic cartons or jugs? Cartons, old school. It was a little carton. This is 1969, 68 Lee.

You, your daddy was still fucking coming on Jew girl. in Boston at some fucking elementary school or something. Yeah, let's not talk about that. Right? So, you weren't even a thought at that time. Thank God. And in the afternoons, they used to say

you're not allowed to leave the premises. So my mom, they made, let's take a lunchbox to school. That's what happened. And one day we were fucking like, fuck this, let's go to the park. And we went to the park, and in the park, we started running different directions.

And all of a sudden, these three little... Six-year-old monsters. And all of a sudden, these three little kids I took him for granted, Lee. I took them for granted. I thought we were all together. So it was like bushes in Central Park. There's a lake in the middle.

But we cut, we didn't go down the walk. In those days, you wanted to be a kid, so you want to be adventurous, so you jumped that little wall. It's been years. This is, you know, I was active a lot in Central Park in the 80s. I would go there and kill time.

I would go there, smoke and join, and walk through the park in the daytime. In the daytime. Is it scary at night? I wouldn't go in there at night in the fucking 80s. It was known for people getting fucking beat up and dragged. I don't know. I don't know nothing.

I just know I wouldn't go there in the nighttime. I would go there in the daytime to kill time to smoke a joint and walk through the park with a walkman on. Okay. That sounds nice. And... Go to the zoo? Nah, there was no fucking...

Yeah, there was a zoo there, but no, it wasn't until there was a lake, and you walk around by the lake and you could rent these little fucking... This is... They're 40 fucking years. I don't even know what it looks like now. But we were cutting through the weeds. there and I and I mingled up with these other kids

and all of a sudden they started saying what's in the lunchbox and I looked at these kids like you like I had I was with some kids then I turned into some other kids and one thing led to another they asked me what was in the lunchbox and one thing let and something happened and one went to pull the lunchbox

and when he went to pull the lunchbox I didn't know what the fuck they're doing all of they started swinging at me late just a random like group of other six year olds They were probably eight, nine, whatever the fuck they were. Oh, my God. And there was three of them.

The next thing you know, I got punched in the fucking head. I threw a couple punches. I threw a kick, and they took the lunchbox from me, and they opened it, and that's when the kid hit me in the head with the fucking thermos. The thermos had glass in it. I'll never forget when the thermos hit in my head, I had the glass breaking. Jesus Christ. And I remember getting up and, like, swinging two or three times.

Like, now I connected with one of the kids. and then something happened dog i found the blood and i just started yelling like i had never experienced that before in my life i just thought that was the worst day of my life for years it sounds pretty bad for years because i never knew that day would ever come nobody told me that you're gonna get in there with a lunchbox or blood was gonna gush out of your fucking head

so i ran the fuck homely and i had to go to the hospital and wait I never forget the towels You know what my neck Look like how much blood I'm just on my neck They had to rip my t-shirt off And when my mother came They stitched me up

My mother fainted During when they were stitching me up I cried like a pussy In those days they put a sheet over your head Like a KKK with a hole in it And they stuck a needle of Novakain Into the fuck Oh my god my eyeballs

Certainly They just numb me your entire head Oh my god Lee was horrendous and they'd stitch you up like a fucking sweater. And you'd just sit there and fucking yell. Oh, God, it's horrible. My mom was yelling and I was yelling and my mom

want to know what the fuck I was doing at the park and she was interrogating me while it was stitching me up. And then on the car on the way home and the cab, she gave me a fucking ear beating about you got to stick up for yourself and what happened and blah, blah, blah. But it had to be maybe

two weeks later. Once my stitches were taken, I joined karate. and that was it fuck that I was never going to get in that position again fuck you that was horrible dog that was a day from fucking hell

because I experienced everything anxiety I fainted I got hitting the head everything I hit the fucking trifect bad luck dog six years old seven years old Jesus Christ you got a cold reality

at a dose man but before that I almost drowned at central at fucking Coney Island of course you did When I almost seen the piece of shit saved me. That's what saved me. I saw a little piece of shit in the ocean.

And then you think you're going to be okay? Just a little piece of shit. You're like, I want to be okay. What woke me to fuck up? You know, you're at the beach. You think everything's beautiful. And all of a sudden you're in the ocean. A little piece of shit floats by you.

Oh, my God. Lee. So... What? Yeah, so he kept saying, like, you were advocating, assaulting kids and stuff. You know what, at the end of the day, fuck him, man. There's people that have their thoughts.

and then they raise these kids and then they blame everything on society. How kids, it's a cold world out there, man. I was bullied. I wish someone had talked to me into fighting some people. And it's not even about the fighting. It's the confronting to make them stop bullying you and what the consequences are then

and how you adjust to that. That's a big step for a child. And it goes at you the rest of your life. You know what I'm saying? Like it stays a year. And eventually, and you stick up for yourself. We've had discussions, you know, and you said different things, and I appreciate it. It's getting hard.

It was hard for me. No, and it's very good. You have to fight for what's yours. You have to say something for what's yours. If you're mistreated, you have to raise your hand and go, I feel like I'm being mistreated. Because if you don't stop it, then it fucking never ends, man. You know, and then it keeps going, and you carry it into other situations where I break your balls. All the fucking.

What the fuck is that? I break your balls. Right. There's a big difference of disrespecting you. There's some people that are your bosses and they say shit, they really can. And here in this town, oh, fuck, they'll say anything to you, these fucking savages. So, no. People are awful.

Listen, I don't give a fuck anymore about the, I really don't. I'm an age where I don't give a fuck. But you said he has a reputation for starting fights. Like that's what they were saying, that he confronted a couple people. People from Portland don't really like him. He always talks shit about some fucking, he's, On AM, that makes sense. You get it?

Yeah, but who gives a fuck? It's awkward to listen to. What are you going to do? There's some people that enjoy that shit. Oh, God. There's some people that like that stuff. I don't want, I don't want to confront nobody on this podcast. I don't want nobody confront me.

I want to confront me, confront me later on. Yeah. This is a forum for fucking us talking and telling our stories and whatever, eating some fucking edibles and whatever. I don't want to fight nobody on a fucking podcast on a radio show. That's the last thing I wanted to do. Yeah, it's the worst. And I didn't curse.

on AM. That's all that mattered. I didn't curse. I yelled back at him and I stick with what I fucking believe and fuck him. And then I found that lady has a kid's foundation. I'm like, who gives a fuck, man? Kids, whatever, you have to teach, I don't want my child getting bullied.

No. I want my child to be aware of her surroundings. I want her to know what she's able and not able to do and how she has to fucking behave. And you also don't want her to be a bully? No. You know, there's a kid. There's a little girl that's bigger than that bullies them. And I could see how mercy walks away from her.

Mercy's instincts avoid it. Just avoid it. There's a way to avoid people. You know, and it's like I said, there's a gift that I learned when I was a thief to disappear, how to hide and how to be in the room but not be in the room. You learn these things, you know. Thank you for calling it instincts tonight. Yes, I learned all that shit on my own.

I was a predator at a young age and it carried over. And now, even before the podcast, So we were talking about agents and how well I was doing 10 years ago, theatrically, because I was more in control. I took chances. I got tapes to people. I knew a film. I just don't have the time anymore.

I'm too spread out too thin. Right. If I had the time, I know there's not much going on, but what would be going on, I'd be going in on. Because I know how to get my foot in a fucking door. It's a little tougher now since 9-11. You just can't walk on the studio and say, I want to drop an envelope off.

You can't? And they don't they have public addresses like they have PO boxes on large mount a lot of them. Right. But they're not really their offices there. That's their general billing offices. Their offices are in studios while they're casting the shows. So if they're casting a Paramount show, they're at the Paramount Mount. If they're casting a Fox show, they're on the Fox lot.

Their offices where they keep whatever. You don't even know what the fuck their offices are half the time anymore. You don't have to go there. No. In the old days, when I got here, you want to book something. you want to see this lady, she doesn't know who you are. Get a headshot in the resume and the tape and drop it off. And you've got to convince the fucking receptionist to give it to her.

That was what you had to do? You have to convince the receptionist. How would you convince them? By being nice and being honest and saying, listen, I fucking want to be in on this movie and she doesn't want to see me. I just want to drop a tape off personally. And listen, it didn't work a lot, but sometimes it did work for me. It did work a lot for me by hustling.

That's hustling. hustling yourself that's in the old days that there's a page showfax.com showfax.com used to be a great source of breakdowns I built the beginning of my career I built I built I booked co-case out of that fucking page I booked a few films out of that page when I first got here my first resource for acting was back page that comes out on or whatever not back page That's a porno one, right? That's like a backstage, back page. Backstage was the one that came out Wednesday afternoons, but those jobs didn't pay.

I knew I had to build a reel up. And then that came along, ShowFax. And ShowFax provided a service for co-stars, non-union films, and like categories, like extras. But some of those films were leads. Oh. So they would be looking for extras and I knew they were. So you're looking for mafia types. That means you're looking for leads.

Even if it's a short sagged film, they would pay. I'd go down there, boom, get $200 a day, whatever, and at least get real and learn what the fuck I was doing and get paid. I knew nobody was going to see that fucking movie. Were they like longer movies or were they like short films? Where were you shooting a lot of? I shot, I have a lot of films in IMDB, but I guarantee there's 20 things I did on IMDB

because I think about them and I go, what the fuck ever happened to that? Those people gave me 1,500 bucks for three days would have happened to those people. And I looked to see the project and I have a web page up, nothing. There was a movie I did where the whole family invested on this movie. They remorgeted their home. Oh, no.

I never saw those people again this time. I wonder if they sell it overseas. I go to IMDB and the movie's there. It's amazing how many things I did that are not on IMDB. I did a trailer with Michelle Pfeiffer and Bronson, Pierce Bronson. I never saw that again. I did this other stupid movie about gambling that we shot at night, that they paid me. I never, maybe 2004.

I never fucking saw that or hurting those people again. The check cleared. And God knows what happens to those fucking things. Jesus is scary It's really for the movie that Ari did With the dude That's that movie that got a trailer That they took a yanked it did really bad

Ari did a movie what's the name of the movie A new movie? Yeah look and see Ari's got two movies on IMDB Inappropriate comedy or something like that Remember that movie they all did? Yeah Okay that kid came out here with three million dollars

Okay He fucking Booked a bunch of people It says keeping up with the Joneses. Ari Shafir? Yeah. No, what's the movie he did?

I don't know what the fuck. Yeah, keep me up with the Joneses. Who else was in the movie? Click on it. Galgado, Goddow, Isle Fisher, John Ham, Zach Alfanakis. No, that's not the one. He did one before that.

In an appropriate comedy? Yes, and who's in that? Okay. That's what the fuck I'm saying, Lee. Then I tell you it was an appropriate comedy. I thought you were talking about the other one. Jesus Christ on a crutch. An appropriate comedy was Lindsay Lohan.

Wabstner, Michelle Rodriguez. was Aaron Brody, Lindsay Lohan, Ari, Dante, and the guy who directed it was Vince Offer. Okay, well, that movie, the guy had loot. Okay. They came out here and started giving that fucking loot.

Like, it was nothing. 30 Gs, 50 Gs, 60 Gs. They sucked them dry. He had to get more loot to invest in the movie. And the movie came out and bombed. Like it was just a disaster or a movie. Maybe he sold it overseas or whatever. I'm not criticizing the film.

film. I'm just telling you the results of the film. At least there's movies that you do like that, you don't know that they pay you. I did a mob movie for like 11 days that paid me and I never heard of sale those people ever again. I did Raging Bull.

Remember that? You were hanging out with me. Yeah, and they never came out? Never came out. Had everybody in it. They keep re-released the fucking date. You have no idea, guys. That's why when you shoot something, I used to worry and want to get a reel and I just let it go. I shot it. Who the fuck knows when it's gonna come on? How, when, who? It doesn't matter. I feel you, dog. I feel you. Let's get the fucking sponsors red. Let's get the fuck out of it.

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