The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #333 - Doc Willis

Episode Date: November 12, 2015

Doc Willis, comedian and actor joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off and free shipping in the USA and Canada   Recorded live on 11/11/2015.   Music:   The Ohio Players - Fire The Gap Band - Early In The Morning  

Went to the gym when I'm sitting there. I didn't want to go to Jiu-Jitsu. I didn't have a lot of time. I said, you know what I'm going to do? You want my J-Jitsu too? Yeah, I'm going to make a protein shake. I'm going to walk to the YMCA. I'm going to do the elliptical.

For 20 or 30 minutes, I'm going to do some dead squats, some dead lips, some squats, and some leg extensions. But the main thing is I'm going to walk in the sun because I'm going to Jersey. God knows what the fuck or what I love. It's like yesterday. I could have worked out with Lian 11. I didn't feel good.

I still don't feel good. Like, I got a, something's lingering, but I'm fighting this motherfucker. Yeah. I'm just throwing down 10,000 milligrams of vitamin C every time I go to the cabinet. That's what you're doing. That gave me the shakes a couple times. I did that. Oh, when you do too much of it?

Too much vitamin C. It's like niacin. It's like niacin. What the fuck they're there? Niasin is a vitamin you take when you've got to take a P test. Eat a lot of them niacin and see what happens to you. You can feel the heat going through your body like and your pores opening up and makes you sweat like a motherfucker. Oh, Jesus.

But no, I've been popping that vitamin. see yesterday I went out to that North Hollywood Park and I brought some kettlebells out there I walked to the middle to one of the trees out there with a 35 pound of Lee and a 45 pound on the way there and back and I got water in that walk. Yeah yeah I love all that shit man because I don't know what's going to

happen in Jersey. Let's start this motherfucker Lee. What do you get? This show is brought to you by Meandies. Go to meandies.com slash Joey to get 20% off of your order and they offer free shipping in the United States and Canada. Meandis offers the best

and most comfortable men's and women's underwear. They have T-shirts, socks, all of your great clothing products, and they come up with new designs every month. Go to Meandies.com slash joey to get 20% off and free shipping in the U.S. and Canada. And the show is brought to you by Onit.com.

Use Codeword Church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shrm Tech Immune, and ShumTech Sport. Oh shit. Get it. Just when you thought it was safe. Black people coming for lunch Right?

Boom In your face! This is old school as fuck, ladies and gentlemen. If you get a minute, get the album cover of this motherfucker. It's a chick with a... Like barely naked

with a fucking fireman suit on. And the album before this was honey. And it was the same chick with honey all over our body in the middle. The church of what's happened now, motherfuckers, for some real black history. Crank that shit leave. The way you sleep

Oh shit And jeez Drop me to my knees And I always wonder Why I never rapped over this This song has never been touched I think one person Finally fucking did it years later

That's unbelievable I'm trying to think That is one of my all-time favorite When I was fucking whatever I don't know how old I went and got this album covered Just because of the black chick in the middle Because you open it up

And she had like a hose around her And her fireman hat But she was naked Doc in the motherfucking house In the building Lisa, I got in the motherfucking house With the new head dude That's good you did it

Fuckin' you did it You keep like this for a while Maybe you build your pores to get some strength There's no strength left Both sides of my family No, there's nothing left Get your little Elvis fucking dippity do And you'll be back in the shit

I mean Listen all you need is three hairs You can do a ton of shit with three hairs But what's the point Because like I said There was this dude I used to work with Who kept it but it was like, it was like less than ball hair.

Three hairs. One on the side, one in the middle, one in the side. I could whip a work of fucking art with three hairs. You don't need to be no goddamn stylist. What's up with you, Doc? When we walked in here, you and Lee were fucking talking about shootouts and boogie downs and shit. So you were at the store that night. When I left that night.

I wasn't there. You weren't there either. I had, I took off that day. And like I was telling him, I was down. at an open mic doing like working out some jokes down there and talking to one of the young guys down there and he was trying this was like around 12 o'clock midnight and he was trying to ask me to come down there because he was going to the rose battle and i was like uh you know the rose battle upstairs in the belly tuesday night right man i'm i'm a chill man when i'm off i'm not i don't want to go down there

so we kicked it down there for a little while longer and then he left and then i left around 1230 whatever, then he'd get down there around 12, 45, and then that's when the shooting took play. And I left there at 10 to 12. Yeah, we were there like an hour before. Yeah, we left at 10 or 12. Right, you just just left. Well, we just didn't leave. I'm not going to lie to nobody. We left an hour before. We didn't feel nothing. I didn't feel no tension.

I can't tell you that. You know, I was in shock the next day. You know, you're always in shock where you were somewhere with somebody got shot a thousand possibilities. Right. Run through your fucking head, you know. It's scary. It's like we were just there. Like if we, if you had wanted to get a water or if I wanted to go to the bathroom, in theory, like, just something could change. That's, it's scary to think about.

I mean, it's just, like, you just, you don't expect that, man. In a public place, everybody's sitting right there, right where, who, like, and he just ran up right in the middle of everybody. That's what, it was, like, bizarre. It's, it's not a drive by. It's him running in the middle of a. packed bar and just shooting one person in the front in the front of 20 30 witnesses 20 30 witnesses 20 30 and nobody seen fucking nothing it's amazing they they saw but it you know it was nobody seen him like come in I mean like I guess at the time when he ran in they might have

saw him but they you know you know how the story is stuff just be happening nobody really be you know they out there got the music playing people drinking it's fucking amazing yeah it's a great atmosphere when you want CSI and they show up, there's always one guy that's seen the perpetrator and a hair falls. Listen, this is the real fucking world. That guy walked up, dressed up like fucking, you know, a crypt

or whatever the fuck he was. And just shot that motherfucker and walked out and nobody's seen a fucking thing. That's a professional street hit. Yeah. That you don't need to go to our army and don't know how to do. That's just common sense hit. You hit him right in front of anybody. You don't contact somebody on

on Twitter and tell him to put poisoning your husband's soup. You just fucking hit this. You just do it. And that was people, the next day, like, two people like, dog, it was a hit. Yeah, because he had a bandana around his mouth. He had a hoodie on. He was trying not to be seen.

All he wanted was to see who he wanted, and that was it. And he ran down the street in the middle by the House of Blues. Yeah, he parked across the street on the side of the building. So nobody, you know, the House of Blues is closed. And, you know, it's got that shaded and dark area over there where he parked the car. And they say it was a black sedan. So, you know, anybody from the hotel, if they weren't paying attention, right. You know, the hotel next door to it, you know, they wasn't probably paying no attention to anybody running across.

People run across all the time, you know what I'm saying? So there's no cameras. It's just like that, and that's why the police was like, anybody got anything, let us know. It's like they don't, that dude executed that perfect, whoever he was. No, that's the way to shoot somebody in front of 30 fucking people. Yeah. Listen, when you shoot a gun, you got to see what happens to people. You really have to see what happened.

Oh, it would be. I would be in shock. I don't think I would be moved. If you hear a gunshot, first of all, in today's society, because of all the shootings, your mind's going to tell you right away you're dead. Dopamine, whatever that drug comes out, DMT, when you're almost dead, and rabbits, that shit's shooting out. Because already you're told that it's a fucking shooter with a machine that's going to spray the place.

So I can't imagine. I can't imagine. I felt bad, you know. And, I mean, he rattled off seven of them. And it's the fucking. comedy store, which it's not like a club where shootings go down all the fucking time. Right, right.

And it's like, I don't know. Coming from the most hangout coolest, that's what the killer part about is the coolest spot to hang out. And you're talking years of people, years and years, it's a tradition. So, you know, everybody's back to normal though, you know how the story is.

It's always welcoming. And they they made the adjustments and everything. You know, our home is what it is right now. But it was like, it was It was scary, though, for those first two, three days for people. And, you know, first thing I told people, I was like, hey, don't go on Twitter. Don't go on Facebook. No jokes about this guy.

Because y'all don't know who this guy is. Like, y'all say the wrong thing, and his boys think y'all think it's funny. They'll come after y'all. You know, I said, just lay low, don't play with this. This dude is, he was serious. So the guy was from New York out here visiting. That's what they say. Yeah.

They say he was visiting. They say he was standing at the Honda, the hotel right next door to the club. So that's all they have. That he was visiting from New York and he was staying in the hotel. That's it. You always wonder when somebody, when there's a professional hit or a hit, what that person had done. Like, you know, it's really like a backtrack type of deal.

Right. And it's always off for some. Because if he's from New York and they came out here and hit him, the guy he fucked with had long fucking arm. Yeah. You know, obviously he knew people out of. here, which is even stronger than the fucking thing. Right. That's a different world,

Lisa, I am. Like, coming from where I grew up, like, you just think, you grew up thinking that cops will catch everybody. And then I just, you never hear this. Like, you never heard of anything ever, after that night, like, there was no story again. I was like, how does, how does, like,

only on CSI. Are you from the hood or you? No. I'm from the opposite. Do you see how they get, find the hair, and they immediately get witnesses to come in. But, it. Yeah, I have to remember where he's from,

you're from a place where if a crime take place, it's so infrequent that they can figure things out. Where to as where we're from, crime is so much that it's hard for them to keep up with them. Well, I know literally not 100% could get solved,

but a shooting at the comedy store on Sunset Boulevard, you think that would be, like, pretty high up on the priority. Not a hit, bro. If he'd hit him right. You know, let's say I come to your house, let's say you burn somebody for half a million dollars in drug money. Okay.

And they tell me you're hiding out in a fucking apartment building in Sherman Oaks in Los Angeles. That's the hardest hit of my life. Right. Because I got a guarantee that there's cameras at the door, there's cameras on the way up the stairs. If I hit you on the street, there's probably cameras. This is the street.

Yeah. I hit you on fucking sunset. In the middle of traffic, people drinking, that's a real fucking. old school head. Remember the last time I was here? And we was talking about the best friend gang in Detroit. Right. On gangland, if you go back

and watch the, on YouTube, watch type in best friends from Detroit, look at, they voted them as the most notorious gang on the whole gangland series. And it was because that was they think. Their thing was to hit you in a daytime.

So they would hit you when you were, they would follow you. Sometimes they would wait two, three years. And then they hit you. So like you'll be eating lunch at the mall or whatever and they'll just come back, bang, bang, and then gone. Like that's, people be terrified. When you, when you do

a shooting in an open like that, people are so terrified, people just duff a cover. They don't look. They don't look. They don't pay no attention. You don't remember faces. You would think they would have cameras on every street lamp now, especially on sunset. You know, how much of a budget do they have for fucking cameras?

You watch them on TV, the cameras are pointed in one direction. It's horrible visibility on the cameras. They're just generalities. They show all these fucking people getting hit and runs. The hit and runs are huge. Let me put it to you two like this. The car that they used could have been a

stolen car. One. It's two. He was in a ski mask hoodie. What's to identify? Three. If if if you do a hit like that, you're going to

do it and time it. as perfect as possible. Yeah, because if he'd done it any earlier, sunset, he might not have been able to run across the street. Right. So he planned the whole thing. One o'clock in the morning, my man, almost one o'clock in the morning, hardly too many people out on a Tuesday.

Perfect. You can't get it no better. That's the perfect escape. And he parked on a down slow. So the police station is over here on the down on the down end coming up. He's going down. You know what I'm saying? And the only cops that could have got him was the ones that they say that was like two minutes away at the light.

And they didn't even, they didn't get him. So it's, it's too chaotic of a situation for them to, and for them to even, the only way they would have been able to get him is if they would have got that license plate and that guy would have got caught a mile away. But at that point, by the time they realized that he's six miles out or might even switch cars by now, and especially if he's from another state city, go! Why are you going to get?

That's scared. That's what we live in. Do you think, okay, am I watching too, because am I watching too much TV and movies, or is it possible that if it was a hit, the guy from New York could have had Intel be like, he's going to be at the store, park here, there's no cameras here?

Like, does that stuff exist or is that a one? Yeah, like, you got to understand. That's why they call a case in the joint. Anytime you see a person rob a house or they call it case. In case it means set up the scenario, make sure everything is set up perfectly. Okay, he's here.

All right, what can we do? How do we get him? All right, put the car over here. As soon as he come out, hit him, bang, I'm gone. By the time the police get here, we'll be out. Everything about that hit. He's not a genius. It's very common sense.

It was very common sense. The guy could be a fucking total moron, but it's very common sense. Don't let them see you, run across the street. You got a gun. Nobody's going to chase you. Park down the darkest, on the darkest, Park on sunset.

Parking down where you have access to a right turn and a left turn on to the Siena, and you're gone. You're on your way to the fucking airport. You parked that car, take a cab to fucking the park rental. I mean, it's amazing to thousand options, but there's a lot of moving pieces. Right. You follow me? That's why I don't, if you're going to ice, like for years, I want an ice one

when I was growing up. And then when I went to Colorado, I met my buddy, and he taught me all this weaponry and all this type of shit. And there was one way I was going to hit one, and it wasn't going to work. It was going to be when he was coming home at night, but he didn't drink. For me to hit one and get away with it in those days,

the best hit would have been at 6 o'clock when he was leaving the flower shop and walking into that bar across the street. Nobody would have saw it. The only problem I would have had is to pray the guy that nobody else got a piece. There's no fucking heroes. That's the only thing you've got to look for.

Because once you turn the run, they can be a hero there and you just start shooting. There goes your party. But trust me, nine out of ten you're in shock when you hear a bullet when I saw Juan shoot Nico when I was a kid I wasn't in shock because it was a direct shoot and I was watching that was my stepdad

but years later I went to cop one time and I heard bullets go off and I gotta tell you man I didn't even see what direction they were coming from which sometimes makes it worse you shit your pants when you have your back turn and you're doing a blast and all sudden bullets go off you shit your fucking pants and your shirt's a bolt like there's no chance

It's like a backfiring car or something. You know when you get one bullet go off and people start yelling. And I was maybe 22, 21, 20 when that shit happened in Spanish Harlem and I shit. I went home. I was fucking numb. I'm not going to lie to nobody. I had a repri-like I had to like actually, that's why I always told people. Like life change.

In the movies, people just pull out of gun and drop to one knee and shoot. That, that, that does not fucking happen. Never. I don't care how. You have to be experienced in that type of action. It's like when we do Jiu-Jitsu. Right. And you breathe and you're moving through me and I can't. Or I do it to you.

You know, there's a part where, you know what's my fucking point here? You get used to it. It's like muscle memory at a certain point. Right, right. When I was on the street, I remember one time when I, I just been shot at several times. I never got shot. But what time?

Oh, God. What time I'm on the corner? and one of the guys in our gang, he goes, hey man, he goes, I got into it with such and such and such. And I shot up his truck. And I was like, why you shoot up his truck? Who does that? Like, you didn't shoot the dude? And he's like, no, he's like, so be on a lookout.

So I was like, man, whatever. We was like, man, whatever, dog. So we're on the corner of slaying, dope, laughing, talking. Now nighttime comes. We still out here making money, whatever. And then I'm talking to him. He's on the left side of me. and I'm facing a face to face

to face. I'm telling him something and blah blah blah and he's just looking and all of a sudden he just takes off running. He doesn't tell me hey look up, dicko. Right? So I go, I go, I said, man, why? And I turned to my boys. I was like, I said, what is he doing? Why? I said, why do you take off running like that? And then I look up and I see

the guy coming, the guy's coming and what their headlights saw and it didn't dawn, it didn't even dawn on me because I knew whose trucks they were, right? Because the guy's still driving that same truck and he comes up and he pulls up and I go man I said I said why they got the headlights off this them coming up and they was like I don't know and then by the time we fucking realize it they was like right where this camera your camera stand is and I go oh shit

I see each other then before we know it is big the window come out two rifles come out pop pop pop pop pop pop pop so like so like dude I'm telling you like all I see was flashes and I kind of like Matrix I ain't even matrix I just like I ain't even care what I could have hit my hand on a firehers and anything I just jumped back I just dive back And then I rolled And then you can hear the bullets Hit the ground And I jumped up and I ran

And there was You know how like The liquor stores had those big steel doors That like they open up like this So when I ran and I can hit a bullet Hit the wall And then I jumped behind the steel door

And it was peck Big bang, bang, bang, like Jesus But I don't think they were trying To shoot his dog But then they might have They just might have been poor aim You know and I was a little dude You know, I'm at 5, 3

I had to be about 4, 11 days It's fucking scary just to shoot the gun. Aiming is a complete different fucking story. When I first shot a machine gun the first time, Lee, I shipped my pants, and I was the shooter. I was just shooting on a fucking target.

The power and the euphoria you get one. And then you have to start thinking, like, I don't know what he told me, how many bullets come out of there per minute, like what? And I had the little one. When I got arrested, the one for the kidnapping was a baby one,

like a garbage one. Like, I had shot. like an AK one time. You have no idea of the unique sound that makes. This guy had every weapon up there in Colorado. We would just shoot on that. As long as I paid for the bullets, we would just shoot our asses off.

You know what they remind me of, like, they kind of sound like a, to me, like an automatic gauge. Like a 12 gauge, it's automatic, just boom, boom, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, because you go up close on, it's so loud. Like, because the gauge is like, boom, boom, but this is like a boom, but this is like a bow, So that's why I kind of felt like Because I'm sure I'm on a small end

But they ain't hit none of the other guys either And like they're driving Most people don't know You know most guys don't know really How to really hold the assault rifle So they just out I mean he didn't really have time to really You know as soon as the window dropped

And he just pointed it out And he bopop bha bha bha bha you can see He could see he was jumping because of the He didn't have no real like stability to hold it You know and it was that shit, I don't know I can't really tell you. God bless their soul

when their shootouts and they hit these little kids by mistake. They don't know what they're doing, Lee. They're just shooting a gun. They're just yahoos. They got their hands on the fucking gun. They're not trained. They know nothing.

They know how to fucking pull it. You know what? Those are the scariest people. See, those are the people you don't want guns in their hand. Those are the people that scared me the most. That crazy guy that goes into a movie theater with a gun. That's going to happen.

Mental illness is. going to happen. It's the people who are just fucking whacked out like me when I was 22. If I had a gun, no, when I was 20, if I had a gun, I didn't know what I was doing. I would have just pulled it out. Like, whatever I've seen in a Rambo movie and fucking shoot it, like a jerk off.

And that's what the problem is. That's when the problems occur, you know. I have a hit on Lee. I don't like Lee. So I'm going to go shoot him in a fucking mall. I can't shoot it. So all of a sudden you're going to run, and I'm going to go like this. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta. And I'm going to move my hand,

horizontally. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not military trained. I'm not police trained. All I know is what I've seen in the fucking Clint Eastwood movies. That's when innocent people get fucking shot. Those are the scariest people to me. That's the people. We've got to keep the guns out of their hands. So people have to have no idea.

I love shooting. I love all that stuff. You ever see me with a gun in my hand, Lee? Not recently. Because I understand what it does to you. I understand how it changed me. It changes. It changed me. That's how weak I am as a human being.

How could it not? It's fucking, you have the power to kill somebody. Thank God they didn't have good aim. Like, have you ever thought? Like, what if they had just gotten, like, one target practice? I probably would have been lights up. You know, what's funny is one of the guys in my game, one time he got mad at me.

He's high. He said, Doc. I said, man, I don't understand something. He said, every time you leave, somebody, either you just leave or you just before you get here, somebody gets shot. He said, it never happens when you hear.

And he said, and then when you do get shot at, they don't even come close to really hitting you. You don't even get hit. It's like, everybody else get hit, but you don't get hit. And he's like, man, he said, I don't get that. Why is that? I'm like, I'm like, you should need. He said it like he was like mad about like, I didn't get shot.

And I was like, nah, what? That's good. Like, I never, I'm like, that's good. I'm glad I never looked. I'm going to be like, they're bags on a, you know, got dudes all in their wheelchair. I mean, I'm a homie's, but, you know, it's just like

the luck, or I say it was God, you know, watching all me, you know, this is a teenager, man, you know what can happen. That's why you see on the whole, some of these young black kids get killed. They don't even know what they're involved in, bro. They don't have a lot of options.

Right. When you don't have a lot of options and you see people driving the car and you don't even have a fucking bike. Right. That fucks with your psyche. And it makes you do shit that you would normally do.

Yeah, there's a lot of people who play football and get out of the fucking ghetto. Right. And they're very lucky they have a hard house. They have one of those black fucking militant fucking parents that goes out there with a slipper and shit and beat shit. Those kids are fortunate to make it.

They're fortunate to make it. Pass the other stuff because the other kids don't. And you know, my mother, it's just funny. you just said it. I was just talking my mother yesterday about about me because she was it was something about she said she don't like when I talk about me being in the game she's like that's your past and you know that was a long time ago and I was like nah I said what I do is for

that you know and I was you know trying to explain that to her and and and then she said she said yeah but unlike them you had a way out you had somebody to help you out and I was like true and I say and that's what I'm doing you know I was like I'm being what you are but I'm trying to do it on a bigger scale, you know, because kids in the hood, they don't, and we ain't talking about just black, you're talking about Latino hoods, and you're even talking about trailer tracks.

White hoods, yeah. White hoods are no fucking different. Anywhere that. They're so met. They're no different. But yeah, like, so when I look, like, I'm like, why not be a comedian and blow up and really become the dude to make that change? You know, like, I feel, because I know how to do it.

I know exactly how my mother did it for me. And all it is is I was reading a book by Princeton University about Albert Einstein called Unquodible Einstein. And Einstein said this brilliant quote in there. He said something like American people, he said, they might not be as intelligent as the Germans. He said, but what they have is energy and enthusiasm. And I go, shit. And he said, that's why they're able to create and do make better things. And I said, holy shit, that's the game.

You put, the poverty places is just missing in energy and enthusiasm. And what causes that? Love. And I said, damn, dog, if those really put in a love in the hood, like really put it in and in the impoverished places with the white people like, like not just, we ain't talking about just people that come from there. We're talking about everybody from Microsoft to Facebook. Like, we all get together. Like, and create like a mastermind. group, right? And we set up systems

and different opportunities and different job, courts, and all kind of stuff. Man, we can change the energy of America. Whoa, I mean, period. Like, everybody ain't going to see, because it's always somebody dumb out there. It's always somebody who's, you know what I'm saying? Somebody always

whose kid is not going to make it. But why not us be the vehicle for the kids who don't have that? You know what I'm saying? Because people just turn their back. And that's why we got so many drugs. dealers and people lock up. Now love is great. Yeah. Love

is a great thing that gives somebody when they're confused. It saved me. The love my friends gave me, saved me. But it took a long time for the love to sink in. That's what I know. Okay, the love takes a long time for it to sink in. All that love I got from my friends and stuff

got heightened when I started dating Terry. Because Terry was trying to give me love and I still wasn't having it. When you have anger, you know, when you, I was watching the training day. Why aren't we watching training day? I was watching training day. It was on Sundance.

And at the end, he gets beaten down, Alonzo, gets beaten down by these bloods, you know? Right. And these bloods are supposed to play, these angered bloods. You know, they're good-looking black dudes that are actors. Right. But I was thinking about what these bloods know. Why do you become a blood?

Because in your mind, you think that all the opportunities are shut into you the world dealt you a shitty hand of cards and guess what? You could never change it even if you want a motherfucker wanted to that's how your mind reacts that's it shut down your mind has made a decision because my mind made a fucking decision

when I was 19 but what about in like in American gangster then in my sons they hit the head of the whatever the gang like gives ice cream to the kids. Like from the time their kids are getting stuff, so they like them. They're nice to them. They get food. Like, how can

you fix it if there's people like that? That's not hope. See, that's not hope. That's just a band-aid on the thing. Because at the end of it all, you have to ask, when you go home, you go, Mommy, man, Mr. James is a very nice man. And your mom,

if she's black and beautiful, like your mom, she'll say, Doc, go up and take a shower with your ice cream. She ain't going to explain the evil of Mr. James. because you wouldn't understand that at that age. You wouldn't understand that he'd sell drugs. Somebody lost their life for that fucking ice cream. Yeah, it's like, like, what Al Chappo said.

And then when he tweeted, when he got out, he, I'm paraphrasing, but he basically said to the president, he say, you do your government shit, and you don't do nothing for the people. He said, but I'm out here, and I'm helping them. I'm putting food in their cabinets. I'm giving them shelter. I'm giving them money.

You ain't doing shit. So that's what the problem is. They don't have a drug problem because Mexico's big drug problem, A, because everybody just want to sell drugs and be drug dealers. Are you kidding me? We just got no fucking hope.

Nobody, yeah, they feel hopeless. Look at your mother-in-law. Look at your mother-in-law. That's a hard life. That's a hard life, you know? And she could have fucking sold out at any time. Why do you think they recruit the young ones? Because the older ones won't do it.

See, the older ones, Most of the older ones try to fight up against it. They either get killed or whatever. So that's why they go to the young because the young ones are the most hopeless ones. And those are the ones to easily influence. Let's leave with cars and money and clothes and women, it's easy to, or whatever, vice versa. Well, that's what we were saying? We were saying, like, when you see that at that age, you're like, I want to be like him.

Yeah. You want to be like that. What does he do? What does he do to drive nice car? Yeah. And then even if they don't want to be like that, like, let's say there's that guy giving out ice cream. what are we going to do? Like, what is the city going to do? Like, oh, the school's nicer, but you hate school. So, like, how are we going to entice them to change?

Because what you do is you set up, for here's a perfect example, Tupac, right? Tupac, he was doing all this behind doors stuff that people didn't know. And one of the greatest things that I heard that he was doing, which is fantastic, was he started doing concerts. And he did a concert for a school in Compton. And he told them, he went to the school and he said, listen, anybody who strive and push and get above C average report card, he said, or C or better report card, he said, a free con, y'all get to come to my concert for free. So kids was like, what? See, so imagine this. Me being a comedian, right?

I get involved with more bigger comedians. And we do shows and different things, like maybe once a year or whatever. whatever, and we set up, it's so many so we could do set up programs like that. Then I get with the different rappers. We start telling them, hey, would you let this amount of kids come to your concert for free? If they do this for school, like you get a collective people doing it all together. So now all the kids is like, oh, man, you got to drive to do things. Now you take that and then you take some of the, then you take the big corporations like Microsoft

and Facebook and everybody who got all of this, all the different money from. all these Americans with all these billions and millions of dollars you take them and you set up programs that that helps the kids get better shelter get better housing get better just better job better everything everything adds up it's so much we could do well how was a school where you were from because like i talked to paula she went to a charter school for like smarter kids and she was saying like the teachers never showed up they gave her a's because she showed up and was nice like part of the she said she skipped like half of her senior year like she could she would skip up all the time and they just don't care down there because they have a lot more to do.

We need, like, those events are great, but we need money for, like, the schools, like, to keep the... But that's what I'm saying. Okay. Like, you have to remember this is the collective thing. My thing is, is there is no 100% formula right away. All the state takes is for one thing to start working and then the rest of snowball. See, that's what the problem is. Nobody's ever really put forth a true system.

of you know why because it takes effort yeah but i'm i'm i'm willing to do it though nobody pays for that effort so people tap out after two weeks it's like what we deal with here people are going to do something after two weeks they fucking fizzle in hollywood we're going to write a script and also they're selling real estate you know the thing that makes me laugh the hardest is that thing a couple years ago just fizzled out the corporations everybody was building tents remember operation fuck oh oh uh Yeah, all the hippies got downtown and they built shelters. Oh, you mean the Wall Street one?

Yeah, when they were going to get together and shut down the corporations, they tapped out once they looked at their iPhone. Because you can't have an iPhone and fight corporations. Right, right, right, right. You know, and it's so weak because even in the 60s, those fucking acid heads, they got beat up. Look at all the black people that Martin got beat up. People don't do that no more.

You know, it happened in Jackson, in whatever, Missouri, where people stood up and that war went on for a while. on but right people really don't believe you know what I read you know what it is just like they ain't doing shit no they just marching everybody just marching I gotta march for this march for this march for this march for that what is y'all doing

it's for the Facebook selfies we were at the march it's a joke but that's honestly like after they do their march they back home and they just doing what they do and not even they're not the next day continue it has to be continuous here let me put some like you're right

when I was in like My little cousins and my, I call them my little brother back in Detroit. When I met him through them, I took them in, right? Because where they're from, where they was at, I was like, God, they ain't nothing. But they're where I grew up and my mother pulled me out of. It's all gang, all their little friends to the day. A lot of them is dead. A lot of them locked up.

But those particular kids, I say, all right, this is what I'm going to do. I took it upon myself. I said, y'all, because my mother did this. This is how she got me on. I said, if y'all try, anything y'all want to do, we let's do it. And then so they would call me, hey, we want to go bowling. Let's go bowling. Hey, I want to go to the pet store.

Man, we used to get on our bike and ride. Man, this pet shop is like 20 miles away. Man, super far away. Man, even I was like, God, damn, all this boy, goddamn snake? Okay, well, we go there. And that, but what's what we do. I used to just do whatever it took to give them some kind of spark to look at like, yeah, I can do it.

Now I said, yeah, you can do this. If you don't look at this, all you got to do is do this and stay what you want to do. This is what you want to do? Hey, let's do it. So whatever, anything that they really wanted to do that was positive, as long as it was positive, I just pushed them towards it. Whether they became it or not, it didn't matter.

But now, both of them got kids. One of them don't. He owns his own truck business. He's got six trucks now. You know what I'm saying? He's making it happen. When I was at the getting my haircut yesterday, there was this father getting his haircut, and he had two little, like, Filipino kids, and he was quizzing them. He was doing spelling bees with hard words. Right.

Like association, and he was giving them quizzes. And I was just saying and they're thinking, like, how those kids are going to go so far. Like, it's amazing how much parenting matters, and that's probably another thing. Like, yeah, even if we get them to school, not every parent there is going to be like your mom. but you have to remember, bro, if the drug dealer can influence them, so can you. You understand what I'm saying? It's the same love. But you're taking it to a positive direction.

So if you're really there for them and you really to provide, like you ain't got to, sometimes, just remember this. All of them aren't mentally broke down to the point where they need you to give them something physical. Some of them just need that, that support of that word or that love, and you're right there to tell them. And then they remember and they feel it. And then if you stay put and you and you promise things like, like I said, if, if, like say, I go to a school, right? I become famous. I go to a school and I just say, what are y'all missing in this school? What do y'all need right now?

If I could fix something right now, what do y'all need? And then they tell me, well, we need in our school, it would be cool if we had the kids. I'm talking about the straight up kids, one of them, what would be good for your school? And then they say, well, it would be nice if all of us could have a center where we could, have computers and this and that. And I say, all right. I say, so tell me this. If I do this for you guys, will y'all keep trying?

See, it's just, and not even just in school, you can go to the hood. What do you guys do? What could we do here? And you work on that one thing. See, not a bunch. Just one thing first. You start with one thing. And you do that. You go out and you do it.

They're going to look at you and go, this dude trying. He's trying. I'm going to try it too. I promise you, because that's what my mother did for me. My mother said, when I got locked up a juvenile and I dropped out of 11 grade, I was like, fuck it. The streets was me. Yeah, no.

At one point you go, you commit. That's what I was telling me the other day. To do it, you don't go home and go, well, if I rob that in the corner, what's going to happen to me? Will I go to jail? No, I'm just going to fucking rob and make a move. There's no fault. There's no safety net. there's nothing.

There's nothing. You know, when I robbed that jewelry store at 21, and I got away with it, that was the worst than that could have happened to me. There's so many things. The worst thing that could have happened to me at that age because I was invincible. But when I went to prison at 27 or 26 or 25,

I knew when I was going to prison, I was paying for all those dumb sins I didn't get caught for. You know, you're talking something that we all know. I mean, you're not wrong. But doing it is the other side of that. Right. Doing it is the other side of that. And for some people they look at it and it seems

like a fucking eternity. That's why most people don't get it together until they're 30. Because they're like, every time they go to try something, I say to you, how long does it take to be a good comic doc? Ten years. Fuck that. How long does it take to be a welder? Four years.

Fuck that. How long as it take to be a good cook? Four years. How much you're going to pay me for those four years. Eight dollars an hour. Fuck that. I rather slain drugs. $8 an hour, $320 a week. After taxes, it's $243. If you claim two or whatever the fuck you claim. $243 times eight is what? $900 a month. What do you do with $900 a month as a fucking American? I'm watching this yesterday how they're trying to kick up minimum wage to $15. Do you understand me?

I tried to go straight for years. But at the end of the week, with no education, with a felony on your record, you know, which I lived life without. I never claimed the fucking felony. You come up to me with that felony shit when I put it, and I look you in the face and go, you have any idea how many Jose Diaz is all that? Get back on that fucking

computer. Jose Diaz is John Smith and fucking American. You're going to come to me with a war. You got the wrong Joey Diaz. And they come back a month later. It's you. It's you. You're going to fire me now? Who's the best employer you got? You are.

Get the fuck, rip it up, boy, you know, it's so many. Now, I can't imagine a person trying to go straight. Right. Because now they do a background check, everybody. Yeah, but my thing is, it's like... He's no bomb going to take that away, check the box or whatever. Well, here's a thing, though. Like, let's just say what that existing, all right?

A few years after that, I got into arrested for a shooting idea, right? and I had a so with the intent to commit murder felony firearm you know and it was hard man getting the job but here's where I retract back to the story where I was telling you a few seconds ago

it all would help me keep moving forward was what my mother did for me when I was in when I dropped out to 11th grade when I got a juvenile she found out I was selling crack again and she goes look I see you back on the streets again. I heard. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to move you to your aunt's house.

And I was like, fuck that. It's like, why would I go there? And now she was like, you're going to go back to school. I was like, how am I going to go back to school? I failed the 11th grade year. I ain't been to school all year. You know what I'm saying? Like, this is impossible.

She said, nah, it's possible. She said all things is possible. And she said, if you just try, all I'm asking you is to try. And she said, I would do whatever you, you, she said, everything you ask for, I'll try my best to get everything you want. She said, I'll try. She said, I'm not, she said, I'm not, all I'm asking is just try one time. She said, you go back to summer school, you go and get a one to take a one to eight for the next semester. You'll graduate on time.

Dude, 100%. Not only did I graduate on time, I got on the grade, I got on the honor roll the last couple of report cards. It was like, what? Like, that did, what happened there was like, damn, if I just, and anytime I needed something, it got to a point where I was like, I didn't want to ask her for nothing no more. It was like, can I get these shoes? Okay, boom, I got the shoes. And I was like, so you're doing this because I'm trying? She's like, yeah.

She's like, it's beautiful to try, ain't it? Then when I made it, I graduated. man, you should see him. Like, the gang, I drove over there and with my prom, the girl I went to the prom and I turned. They was like, look, he's doing it. Like, everybody, then when I graduated, they was like, what? It was like,

it was an amazing experience. So then, like, right after that, I got it to some trouble again, little shooting, whatever. Do you take prom pictures with your gang? No, I never took any, you know, it's funny. I got a lot of them on my Facebook. And

they put up pictures. I'm not in none of the pictures. I never took no pictures with them. And I'm like, and I look and I'm just like, wow, this must just be like pure coincidence because it's even in the years back when I was there. And I'm like, wow, I was there. I never took a picture with all these guys. And it's, I don't know if that's good or bad, but I feel like that's, you know,

I still love them, though. It don't matter. Pitches don't matter. But it's amazing to make it past that point. You know what I'm saying? So when I messed up again And I got through the system or whatever And I just used the same

The same energy And I said, you know what? And my mother told me the same thing She said, yeah, yeah, you got a record. She said, but you can, she says, it's going to be hard. She said, but you can, she said, all you got to do is try. Remember? Just trying.

And I said, fuck. So, dog, I was working. Minimum wage, temporary jobs. because, you know, Timps are only places that really would hire people with for Felons. They hire some people. People with felonies always talking about, nah, man, you just get out there and you work.

Like, Timbs will, we'll hire you. There are a lot of temporary, there are some temporary places that won't, but there are a lot of them that will. And there's other kind of, like, McDonald's, a lot of stuff you can take because people don't realize it's just a building process.

All it is, is a small little platform that you build it. Then you add on the rest. But who's, listen, Who's willing to do it? I don't have nothing off of fucking nobody That's any beneficial I know how to cut Coke I know how to get fucking Coke on a plane

That's why you're perfect But you look at my face It's dragon It's a hundred years of fucking mileage Right Remember when Mickey went to Rocky in the apartment And he goes I got knowledge I have knowledge on how a person

Could turn their life from it Right I have the answer for you And it's a fucking equation That's very easy and you pile it on and you've done it in your head a thousand times. Anybody could get themselves out of any hole if they want to. Plain and simple.

I've seen it done, you know, and I've done it. I've seen it done and I've done it. I did a lot of things I didn't want to along the way to get out of that hole. But if you're going to put your money there and leave it there, I got to take it. Oh, no, I ain't. If you're going to leave your money there, we got to take it. A couple weeks ago, I went to that thing we go. on Thursday nights, you know, the

trucks, the food trucks, and I saw some kid there, you know. I saw a couple kids that night, and then a week later I saw a different kid. Well, today I saw both those kids, and that one kid was like, hey man, what's up? He was by the library. Library's fucking closed. He's

by the fucking library. He's homeless. I'm walking to the wire. You know me, though. I got an hour to work out. I got to fucking fly. I'm walking. He goes, hey, and I'd go on it this. On the way back, I saw the other guy by 7-11. And the guy came up to me Hey man Joey Diaz what's up and I go hey man

How you doing? And I was gonna get one of those protein shakes At four dollars I found him in my sweat jacket on the inside pocket And I just gave it to the kid I go I need a protein shake But I go listen all I got is four dollars for you But I go listen you were homeless a month ago on the same fucking corner Right I go you gotta do something It's something like you're out here begging

You go yeah but you don't know what it's like I'm from another state Bro you take that puddle water across the street You wipe your face somebody will fucking hide you go you gotta go out work of Mexican right you gotta put it physically and mentally in your mind first that you're gonna go out work a fucking Mexican right but see he didn't the key thing was he said yeah but I don't know that's where it is and you were able to show him see this what I'm saying that's what that's all people need like just that right there but if if you just show them the way a lot of people don't know how to really get down there because they just don't know how to really get down there because they just don't They don't know how to get down there or they don't want to go down there. They don't. The ones that don't want to go down there. Listen, there's a lot of people who just don't want to go down there.

Lee does not want to go to Jiu-Jitsu. But Lee knows that as soon as he gets there and he warms up, it's hard, his face gets right. He starts having a good time because you learn shit. Right. But most importantly, you learn about the things you can do. Right. You follow me. that's in the most empowering

thing a person's life is about. When you realize you could do something. Right. You know what I'm saying? When I realize I could fucking, I could fucking function. Even though I was a junkie thief piece of shit, I know how to do laundry. I knew how to keep a place clean

and how to wash dishes. I could cook a chicken cutler if I got to not to bread it with the egg but the plain grilled one with two pieces of wonder bread. I could sustain. Right. You know, I lived in a fucking apartment for $68 dollars a week with more roaches Lee

Roaches for four fucking weeks when you put your pillow down and you hear the roach crunch you have no fucking idea and you know and I used to cook in there make ramen you know boil everything I had more roaches but I tolerated it for $68 a week I tolerated it because I needed to get on my feet

and also I needed to feed my addiction I knew that I could afford $68 so instead of paying 168 I can snort blow and live with roaches you follow I'm saying to it? I mean, that was my, but I got through it. There was times when you got help from people, people put you up for four weeks. How many times you help a motherfucker out?

You tell, Lee, you're my witness. Lee, how you doing, Joey Dears? What's up, Lee, nothing? Lee, I'm moving out here with you. No, I'm coming up. You want to stay with me? I have a one bedroom, but you can stay on my couch. Good.

For four weeks, Lee, they're looking at the want page. You leave to do something with Joe Dears at 10. You come back at two that's still on the fucking couch. they've eaten your food they got their shoes on they still haven't taken a shower you know after three weeks you gotta say something as a human being me i go to lee's couch i get into town saturday Lee picks me up we smoke dope sadly we get crazy sadly we watch narcos get it sundow we watch north after fucking breakfast on sunday i go get a paper i walk together paper to see what the

neighbor is like or i borrow the car from lee yeah and monday morning at 8 a.m i'm The shit on the couch is folded, and I'm with a sheet of paper, go into places. Now, you know what, Lee? You're going to let me stay here for six months? Yeah, no rent, and you can eat my food. Okay. So what are you going to do as a human being?

Do you go to wait to get your camera job position, or do you go to fucking Wendy's and get a job? Do you follow them? People know, but they don't know. Everybody has time. Everybody's got time. I'm a leave told me I don't need to pay rent. So I'm not going to take that job on Wendy.

I'm not going to take that job telemarketing from 630,000 of 12th like Diagostino. Now he's making $1,000 a week, telemarketing 30 hours a week selling screws and pens and shit like that. I don't want to do that. I went to college for six years to be a fucking camera engineer. So I'm going to hold out. My friend Louis, he says he's going to get me in with Paramount next hiring season. So I'm going to stay on lease counts for four months and eat his fucking food. You know, you want to help.

Right. But at times you can't help. because people take advantage of your, you know, people are lazy. What I learned, too, is this. This is prison. He's 60 bucks on the way out. Nobody can take advantage of you unless you allow. Unless you allow.

Right? So my thing is. But how many people can you say, Lee, get up off the fucking couch. Let's go. Make this heat. This is what I do. You know, like one time my boy, he lived in downtown. And somebody got killed in this building.

Then the next week, somebody got killed again. and or I might be wrong. It might be just that one time that somebody got killed. And they wouldn't let him in his apartment on his floor for like a day or two because it was like some kind of, I don't know why, but he couldn't go up there. So I told him, hey, man, instead of standing there, don't go to the shelter. I said, man, plus that building that whole area was bad. I was like, just come stay with me.

And I said, you know, you just give me like $100, whatever. You work, you know, save up your money until you get a, you get a good. down payment. After about four, five months, this nigga was taking acting classes, $1,500 for this, and Stella Adler, and I'm like, you better get the fuck out of here. You're like, like, what are you doing? I told you to save your money. You said I'm here paying for acting classes. I'm letting you stay here. Then I booted them out. You know what I'm saying? Because now you're trying to take advantage, But it's like you're not taking advantage. I'm letting you.

I'll let you stay this long. You know what I'm saying? To me it's like, you're going to have a few at bad apples out there. What's that episode of the Sopranos when he hooks up with the fucking old lady? He used to fuck his father. Oh, yeah. Okay, and he gives her money.

He comes back the next day and she shows him shoes. And he goes, I throw this for your phone bill. And she goes, I haven't bought myself a pair of shoes a month. They were on sale for 1,200. You know, a long, do you remember gentry? Gentry. Gentry. She used to bartending the front thing. I'm tight with Gentry and her sister.

Oh, Jen. Gentry, his name is. You don't know. She's from 97. Oh, 97. Okay. With Corey. She was tight with Corey. And Gentry was my buddy. I know Gentry for years. It wasn't about sex. No, we never had sex. We were Gumbas. I just called him when I went to Portland.

To tell her I was in town and she told me she was working and she couldn't come to any of the shows. And we've been friends. I'm real tight with his sister. Me and his sister went on the road. But anyway, to tell you the story. I booked one of my first show was before Spike, it was TNT. Right. TNN.

It was the Nashville something station. Oh, you're right. TNN. TN. And there was a show on there, something about 50 ways to say, I don't know, and there was about a guy who drove a truck with a chick, and they went from town to town,

and they fucking booked it, and they fought. He was like Kung Fu. Right. He was a trucker. one of the worst shows of all time. Guess what? I book a guest star on this fucking show. And it's tremendous.

I play a bookie, and it's all these playmates, and I'm spanking their asses. I play this bookie-slash hooker house guy. But anyway, they say to me, you have to shoot in San Diego, and you have to spend the night.

Gentry is fucking flat broke. I go home at the time. I'm living in Ralphie's apartment on the floor. The whole building is comedians. We're living on the Saline's apartment. Jody's apartment. And I got to go to San Diego. I had no car. I had nothing.

Gentry goes, I'll drive you. 15 wheels of justice. Something like that. 98, 97. 18 wheels of justice. There you go. You're on in 2001. Was that?

Yeah, 2000 fucking one. I'm flat broke. I'm living with Terry. We're barely making rent. They call me up. They go listen. 18 wheels of justice. Try.

I'm not going to watch you. Drive to the hotel and pick up your pedium money. I pick up my fucking paper. And it's like 60 bucks. Okay? We buy a bag of a refra on the set. Now, me and Gentry are friends. The hotel room's got two beds.

I go Gentry. You know, fucking, I'm going to go do wardrobe. We're here for two days. We got 60 bucks, Gentry, okay, to eat. Don't fuck it up. I'm going to eat on this set. If you want to eat, there's 60 bucks.

You know, something small. A chicken sandwich. You know what I'm saying? We got two days plus gas on the way back. Oh, no. I fucking come back after a wardrobe. There's a note. I'm at the fucking hotel restaurant.

This is like a fancy fucking restaurant. I go downstairs. It's like this lunch special. $29.99. It comes with a glass of wine. soup, salad, crab meat, all the... I walk in, I go, what did you get? She goes, I got this special with $299.99.

I go, no, you fucking didn't. She goes, you pulled a dom and domer. Oh, this is crazy. She goes, I saved you some crab legs and half of the soup. I go, I'll fucking kill me. Fuck you. I go, there's ten bucks. That's all you got.

The next two days to do it. I'm going to eat on the set. I had to bring it back like fucking bread, no cuts and shit. You have no fucking idea. like she had no grasp of money. Man, she was in there with a hat on, smoking a cigarette. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

Drinking a bloody man. You got 60 motherfucking bucks and you're drinking a fucking bloody man. No, no, no. I believe in helping people. The knowledge, listen, I did this step by step. Like I said, when I saw the homeless guys today, I went inside and I was lifting and when I got

on the elliptical, I thought about being homeless. And I remember those two and a half months. And then I would get it together and I'd be homeless. I'm meeting my, when I go to Jersey in November, I'm meeting my high school teacher who helped me out in 1985. I bumped into this motherfucker out of corner one day, and he's like,

you look like shit, dog. I go, dog, I haven't stopped in about a year. I haven't stopped snoring. I'm drinking every night, running a game out of here. He goes, listen, you got to get your life together. You got to go to AA. He goes, if you ever want to get help, let me know. I took that number.

I didn't need to get help. I just wanted to get out of town, so I called them up. And he needed money to pay the rent. I had money, so I gave it to him. And I stayed there for about six weeks, and I was not lazy at all. I was it great. He'll tell you, I used to get up in the morning. I'd go right into the city and get a bag of reefer and walk around and try to get a job.

I was suspended from the bartending union. I was a fucking. How did he get suspended from the bartending union? Oh, my God. I was a mess, guys. I was a fucking mess in January of 85. And I moved in with tea. He picks me.

up the New Year's day, and I slept till the 4th. Okay? I slept till the 4. I would just get up to drink water. I had been going for 8 or 9 months. No, exactly. I had been going since March of 84, I had been gone.

I'm talking. Five, six nights a week. Just getting high. Why do you think I tell you guys, when I was 21 and 84 and 22, it didn't stop for 8 or 9 months. It was like five nights a week. When you're homeless, you go to a bar.

You finagle $10,000, you sit there, you milk the beer until something happens. Hey, man, you know, we get a gram a blow. Yeah, hold on one second. Let me make a call. Next thing, you know, you show up with the gram. I give them two bumps out of it, and then I make $10. You know, you just, you just hustle. You're just surviving.

You're just surviving. You're feeding your addiction. You're reading a little bit. You've got a couple pair of jeans. You have a couple pair of sneakers. You try to put it together. You use any gel. You're not wearing underwear.

more, you've got no t-shirts left, you got a winter jacket, it smells like cigarettes. It's a horrible fucking existence, but you don't know no other existence. You're stuck. You are fucking stuck. You have no idea what life is when you're fucking stuck, and you think you have no options. You settle for fucking anything. You settle for anything. There's a lady across the street from me, cute lady. You can see in her day, she was really cute.

You got to see her fucking boyfriend. He looks like he got hit by a truck. He don't fucking work. Every day, when I'm leaving, that ate with mercy, he's walking to the motherfucking liquor store. When I'm coming back, he's walking in with a fucking 16-pack or whatever the fuck they are, the 12-packs. And then when she gets home

at 5, she comes home with a fucking 24-pack. And they drink all fucking day. And I guarantee that wasn't her dream. Man, I guarantee when she started this mission in life that she was hoping to get a guy like Doc or a handsome guy like fucking the Jewish Mr. Freeze over here.

But she ended up settling from this fucking alcoholic because that's the chance she gave herself. Right. You know, that's the chance she gave herself. That's what she tolerates. How did the guy respond to what you said to him at 7-Eleven? He just looked at me like anybody would look at when they've never heard language like that.

Because the only people will tell you that type of language and you're in that situation or your parents, whoever the fuck is in charge of you, that one last time, it pisses you off because they, told you you had to get a job that you couldn't sit there and watch fucking cartoons all day. Fuck you. I told you, you know,

I have problems. What fucking problems? The problem you have is you're fucking lazy. And that's the problem that is rampant. You know, we live in a country now that, listen, I got to tell you, the thing that bothers me the most is when you... And yes, part of this is because of the immigration problem.

But when you tell me you don't have a job because the Mexicans took your job, the America I came from is you have to go out work to Mexican. If Russians have all the limo jobs, then you got to go out and drive the fucking Russians. You do what you have to do to feed your fucking family. You have to become the best at that field to excel. But everybody wants to put 40% effort into something, and when something doesn't go their way, it sucks.

How many people take their real estate? license. How many people have their real estate license that you know? Thousands. How many people actually sell real estate? You know why? Because they realize it's work. It's not just getting a four-door car and stick on a sign. You got to go to barbershops and

talk the motherfuckers. You got to make people believe they can own a house. You know how hard that is? You know how hard it is to come over to me right now and go, Joey? We get you in the house next fucking week. And take me step by step. Me and my wife, step by step, show me what's available to me. That's easy. For a guy like me that knows there's a payoff, that's easy.

But for a guy that's 28 that don't know what the fuck is going on, he don't know no better. He thinks that you just get a fucking real estate license, put fucking for rent signs down and that's it. No. Same thing with insurance. How many people get their fucking insurance license in this country? They're all cop-out licenses.

I've always called those cop-out licenses. Because people really think because they have an insurance license or, oh, I'm going to make a million. You know what? Insurance is? Sales. And you got to go into fucking places. Yeah, me selling an insurance policy to this fucking guy or me selling your life insurance.

Yeah, I make a little money, and every time you make a payment, I got a fucking payout. But I got to walk into that Honda dealer across the street with 60 employees in service and 30 salesmen and clerical employees. And I got to walk in there and go, who's in charge of a group insurance plan? And I got to sit with them. And that takes time. And they've been with the other company for 18 years. That's work. And that's what we all fucking dread.

Guess who used to dread that? I didn't. For years, I thought, oh, well, if you go to the Honda dealer, here you are at the Cadillac dealer. People come in, they've got to go home and think about it, but at the Honda dealer, I heard that people go in and they just lay down. For years, as a car salesman, you're like, oh, yeah, I'll go over to the Mercedes dealer.

Because people come in and lay down. Yeah, yeah, I'll buy that car for $20,000 over the sticker. No, it's fucking work. It's always fucking work. I would bet those dealerships are harder to work at. Dish people are dicks in those situations. But you could listen, but rich people got money, you have to excite them. Yeah, no, you can.

Those little fucking old. Good salesmen are great. Listen, a 50-year-old that's looking at his wife going, this bat's getting old. I need my dick sucked. I'm going to go to that bar with my son hangs out and fucking cars be one of those young bitches and look at some 20. Are you fucking... You're kidding me, dog? When you go in, when I'm a salesman, you come in, I have to know that.

We don't want this car for. Well, I'm looking to expand my horizons. You're fucking 50. You're living off Viagra. You're married. You're looking to get your dick suck. Let's do this right, motherfucker. And also, now look at the guy, look at his eyes and just melt him before the conversation he starts.

Listen, so what you're telling me is you want somebody to lick your nuts right in the front seat? And they'll look at you and come, right? How did you know? Because I fucking know. I got the right car for you. This is the coming in your front seat special, Cox Tucker. Well, it wouldn't happen to you. But I'm talking about like the couple who comes in.

and it's usually like the woman and like I'm just I worked in at a CVS and a nice town and I worked at a CVS in a shitty town and I purposely moved to the shitty town because like in the nicer town there's just they're rude nonstop

like demeaning like oh like like they like they throw you their keys or something I don't know I would have assumed they would have been dicks to you but everybody ain't like that though it's you know some people are some people aren't you know

is people people I guess what I try not to even I just all I know is if I try to be as 100% as I can be me and me and try to grow and be better nobody else matter you know what I'm saying like like like I think like we by being 100 and being trying to get better with time you're gonna you're gonna be an influence to a lot of people and you're gonna whether good or bad So no matter what they do, if you stay in your zone, they're going to remember you. But how do you forgive, like, the bad things that they do? Like, for me, I'm doing that my anger towards the rich people is because I worked retail for all those years and they were dick. So I'm thinking that.

But now, of course, they're not all like that. Right. How do you forget, like, how do you forget the things that you learn to hate? I don't know, whoever. Because first of all, I got to, what I do is I got to lick at, why, what is it that I don't. don't like about them. And then when I see what I don't like a bunch of them. You're about to eat some moot goodies. I am not going to eat anymore.

That's $200 million. We're splitting this. Yes, we're not. I have started from the bottom. Now we're here. Get it. Started from the bottom. Now my whole team fucking here. We're going deep. It's Wednesday.

It's church is here. I'm deep as fuck. Are you? Just be jerky? No. Yeah, it's jerk. It's the jelly. Here, you take it. No.

He's getting sober. Oh, fuck me. Listen, you got comedy, okay? I know what you're saying. It applies to stand up. I see comics. I bumped into a comic two years ago, one day. That got me so depressed about comedy.

I almost went home and fucking shot myself. I was vulnerable at night, and I stood next to him, and I knew better to stand next to this kiss a death. Okay, and... Did you know he was kissing that? No, he had no idea. He had no idea he was the kiss of death. death of the building. Did you know?

I had an idea until he opened his mouth and his kiss of deathness kept me like he was a magnet. It was the weirdest night of my life and you have, you know, Lee has really come up to me a couple times and said, how the fuck were you talking to that guy? He was creeping me out. He was doing

material on you. So Lee knows what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, that's the worst. When they do the material on you? I was out one night with a guy I did it two before. I can't lie. A guy telling me how bad for comedy, Rogan was. and how the store was not fed of people.

Right. You know, for every prior, there was 30 other black kids that was racist. I mean, and he was white. Right. You know what I'm saying?

Like, you know, those white dudes, they give a fuck about black people and Chinese and saved the fucking whales in Europe. Right. I've always had a question about people like that. Do you think that at home by themselves or that worked up?

Yeah. They can't wait to get out to talk to you about it. So they're just itching to get out. They'd be thorn it up at home. Then they get out of it. And all that thought, Lee, if they got that thought out of there, they would write a joke. Right. You have no idea what that thought does to your creative process.

It stifles you. It stifles you. This guy got more spots. This guy's not funny. Why is he doing this? He's on a TV show. She can't act. He stole a joke.

He didn't steal a joke. He wrote a joke. He's got a million dollars. He's broke. He's got nice sneakers. Do you know how big his house is? He's got this. He's got this.

And the whole time you're fucking broken, you got nothing going on. You got dick going on because you're worried about, man, Lee's getting paid and shit. You're worried about his paper or the things he's got or the things you don't have. And I've been in those positions. When I was 27, I was lost like everybody else. I thought that, you know, oh, that guy's got a lot of...

What do you give a fuck? He ain't going to give it to you. Right. Why are you campaigning his fucking money? He ain't going to give nothing to fucking you. So now you have to worry about, you know, you come here and you sit here and you go, well, Doc is going to Montreal and fucking Lee. You know why Doc gets that?

Because he ain't that with Eddie Griffin. Lee's fucking Jewish. That's why he's going. There's people who sit like that. They go home at night. They don't even look at the work at you. They don't even look at anything else. And if they ever got it, it would be, oh, well, finally I got it.

Like, you hear a lot of people shit on, like, they ain't cooked. They'd be like, Thank you. It's like, don't go to fuck with y'all. I say he worked and made it happen. It's like, like,

now, anything else that he might have did it wrong, okay, I don't know all the other stuff, rumors, right? But regardless, it's just like,

it's like, man, just do your thing. I fell into that myself being. Sure you do. As soon as you come here, I felt for it. You know what it is?

Until 99, I had that here. You see everybody else succeeding. for me and I was asking myself what am I doing wrong if that guy can succeed. Then you start trying to emulate what they do and you lose yourself. Then you start taking advice from other people and you just lose yourself completely. For those who stay in their zone from day one, they usually send them spring in faster and at a better rate and you have more success because they don't let too much of the outside influence.

But unfortunately for somebody like myself, I was listening to too much. I was envying too much. I was doing all this bitch shit, you know, it wasn't even so much as, like, bad, but it was more like bitch shit, meaning I was feeling insecure because they had and I didn't.

Absolutely. And I was like, man, which is kind of bitch shit. I just just like, man, I, damn, man. And my mother used to get them all the time. She's like, you're funny like them. And you keep saying because they don't, they got stuff and you don't, you're not, you're just as funny.

But I always looked at it like, I ain't that funny because, shoot, they ain't funnier than me. Listen, you're funny. You're funny, you work. Yeah. And when the light decides to shine, you're prepared. That's what my mother always said.

You know, Rogan's big question with me that he's smart as he is, is intelligent. Every time we get together on a plane, he goes, what really happened to you in 99? Why didn't you get so funny all of a sudden? We talked about it on this podcast. He always said it. Yeah. When I first met you, you were a lot funnier on stage, and then one day it clicked. And I'm going to tell you the two things that really clicked.

I always hear that about people when they're just said. Number one. Number one. The number one thing that clicked was I stopped caring about the people around me and the situations. And I stopped believing the bullshit. I stopped believing everything. I believed in one person, me. My word was the strongest. You know what? You'll never sell a CD on your own. Yes, we will. You'll never do that. Yes, we will. You know, after a while, you just have to start fucking doing this shit on your own. And I didn't care. I got sick and tired. of agents going, you got to work clean. You know what? You motherfuckers don't know nothing. You haven't done dick. You're a fucking salesman. That's all you are. So I stopped believing in people and listening to people, and I started believing

in the fuck who the fuck I was. And that really helped. I just stopped. I just stopped. I was at the store. Why am I listening to these people? Lindsay Shore has dealt with comedians for 30 years. Not listening to these agents. I graduated from Syracuse.

You got a green light. You understand? me? I'm in the old following Paul Mooney every night, but I'm depressed because this guy won't fucking sign me. I'm depressed because this guy doesn't think I'm too old or whatever the fuck. Funny is funny. I was a kid. I learned

funny from Jackie Gleeson. He was 50. Don Deloitte was a fucking old man already. But you know what dictates that is your, your August Hamilton said this to me and I believe this. He said, Doc, he said, you know what the number one problem with most comedians? I said, what? He said,

finances. He said, I had a dad who had money, so it's easy for me to do the comedy I want to. He said, y'all got it bad. So he says, so it's kind of, it dictates a lot of different things in the way you think and the way you look at things. So if you somehow can focus on not being paid in the struggle of it, that's where, that's where people get envious is the struggle. And you'd be like, God damn it. Like, how do I get to the point where I'm not sleeping on couches no more? Were they paying me? How do I get funnier? How do, how come this? guy. So when you when you when you start letting all that go and really just zoning in on you, that's when it gets better. You know, for myself right now, I'm getting more feature work.

I'm getting, you know, I got a little cartoon I'm working on. I got different things that just been happening, you know, from doing background work on people's TV show to me, that's all part of the building block of what I want to become. But before any of that, I was just like, man, shit, sleeping on couches. I was going house to house. staying with Ian Edwards and the waitresses was letting me live with them and it was, you know, not live but you know few days, okay, you can stay over here a few days

so I was like all over the place, standing, sleeping in the car on the hill, police kicking people out of the name. I live in the car, Ralphie's floor, the hotel on Shreder. I live in the hotel on sunset behind the cat and fiddle for 65 a night. That was a creepy fucking hotel.

I lived on some weird places the first three years I lived in. I lived in Josh wolf his couch when he had the baby and the great Dane and the fucking living room, the great Dane would sleep on the couch and I'd be allergic to hair. But I love comedy.

I love comedy. And when you look at it from that perspective, to sleep on somebody's couch, you really got to believe. You really got to go, you know what? Wait a second. I can move back to Boston. I get some blow fronted to me. Within three weeks, I'm making money.

I always think the same shit on. Why the fucking mom of this guy's couch? I used to always said that to myself. And then you think out the move. You know what? I'll give myself another month. Because I know knew so many people on that level to get access to drugs so easy. I used to always be like

all I got to do is one call and I can give me a key right now and I can flip these O's, you know, see in a couple tracks here and there. You know, but it just it was, but it all goes back to like, then what? You know,

it was just like, I like like this has like doing like doing this not only has a purpose but it it it has that machismo behind it that when you go after something you really want no matter what it is whether you're a doctor lawyer or you to you to do flipping fries and you want to be manager at McDonald's you that that drive when you when you when you that drive that thing that you just because you want that man there's nothing that there's nothing that can get way of that but death. So at that point you're like, what the

fuck is sleeping on the car? What the fuck is sleeping in my car? What the fuck is being sleeping out on the park bench for a little while? These dudes is doing it. If these homies do, I ain't going to be here for long. That's what you have to say to yourself. I ain't going to be here for long, bro. And that's your incentive. Like, instead of taking your situation and looking down on yourself and

crying and moping about it, you keep it moving. And what happens is, is it just gets better. And if it don't, you will die. So it's either or. It gets better or die. And that's the game. The fucked up choice.

I mean, but that's how life is, though. You either sit there and make it better for yourself or you die right there. You know what I'm saying? They're freaking missed a phrase out. It was too much. You couldn't have that. I got too deep. It's just crazy, man.

Like, imagine, like, you grow up, like, Now your daughter, one generation gap and the difference in the way she's going to grow up. And just like the luck. Like, what if you and your daughter had switched places? Like, it's crazy how just like, just the randomness and then all this shit happens to people. Right, right. I agree with August Hamilton, but I don't because the best work I've done is when I've been broke. You know, what gets you noticed of a band?

The first album, why? Because they wrote it when they were fucking broke. Right. Yeah, they had a year to write it, but they wrote it when they were broke. Everything's different when you're fucking broke. Right. You know? I love fucking being broke because that's your best work.

That's always when you work. That's all where. When you're broke, you get to work at 10 to 8. Right or wrong. Right, right, right. When you're broke, you get to work at 10 to 8. Skip, doop-a-duke. Yeah, do it.

Ready to go. Sweeping and shit. Once you get a couple yards in the bank, you get that quarter after. The fucking traffic. my bird shit my mom killed me right but what our arguments was saying was he like what he was saying was just that and and I see it like from working at the store 10 years I seen it people go and they just go work and they quit comedy because they just work in you know what I'm saying like they just the workload the wives is on them you know there are some guys who wives didn't left them and now they succeed it's hilarious it's like oh shit bad this dude succeed I could see being that in love with comedy that somebody would leave you. My wife was very close. When I proposed to marry Terry two months later, she didn't tell me I knew she was very close.

I love comedy. Right. This is what you do. You know what this is your first love, gee? You know what you're saying? He. Yeah. With Al Pacino and Robert DeMiro remember how they were so into what they was doing on that scene when they came together.

He was like, I do what I do. How do you have a wife? He's like, I do what I do. How do you have a girl? And they was like, hey, man, this is what we do. This is what we do. Like, all day. I don't know nothing else.

Because the only way she's going to stay with me is two ways. Yes, if I'm happy and B, if I have money. I have to be able to give her security and support. Right. So before anything, this is what I need to do. Yeah, I know what's Thanksgiving. I know what a marriage. is doing. They're eating turkey, but guess what? I got to borrow 20 for the turkey, which means

I gotta go work. Right. I gotta go work. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But that's how real people look at situations. My problem is, is people who take all these holidays and different things so serious to where like they ignore the real values of, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's like, like me and my minds, we don't even trip on birthdays and Christmas really. We don't, well, we just, when, when she hit me up, you coming home for Christmas, it's not because it's Christmas, because she knows that that's the time that I can take off

for the vacation. And so she just wants to see me. You see what I'm saying? Or you come, sometimes she'll be like, do you want to come home this month or this summer? You know what I'm saying? I'm saying the quality time is more important than the days. You know, like, as long as you connect them with, with the person that's for you when you need to and when you can't, that's what holds it together. Yeah, but you see? Man, when I was trying to do my comedy thing, it was tough to connect with anybody.

Oh, I know. I mean, I walked out basically on a family. I didn't want. I had a daughter, and I was trying to be a dad, but I knew that my urge for comedy was more, and I wasn't doing a no justice by living there going to war in front of her every week. I knew that I'd do more for her if she saw me become something with my life. that's what I always thought in the back of my fucking head.

Right. That's the most important thing. I've got to become something because you might not be here. I'm about being in love fucking around, but you might disappear one fucking day, and here I am, and I missed out on my shit. Yeah, because I've been in trying to, you know, I used to be in a relationship that I was always thinking about her happiness years ago.

And I'm like, what the fuck do I give her fuck what she's happy? I got to do what the fuck I'm doing. All right, bro. It reminds you at the end of heat. remember after he told him he said never he said never attach something you can't turn your back on a 30 seconds and you feel the heat around the corner so what happened ended the movie he come out fire trucks police

chaos he went and he looked at his girl and he just backed up it just banged and he just left her and he got shot let me do the shot he got shot that's why let's pick her up money fucking that's just extra fucking child Now I gotta hear I'm cold

I don't feel good with my feet hurt You know what I should have left you It could have been worse He could have jumped in the car with her Took off and both of them could have got killed It's got enough the cops are chasing And I gotta hear complaints on the Don't do 90

He just ran a red light I don't give a fuck the cops to check Yeah he was like Hey the heat around the corner I'm gone To the moody To the moody You want to get that air conditioner It's getting colder by the minute in here

That's what I said Oh my God it's fair I'm over here like shit I thought you're all with a Damn, these dudes is over here. Todd Stimson. Rich Santa Cruz. Stephen Sturgeon.

DJ Dorchester, my main man. Cody Plaxtico. Stefan Sturgeon, it's his fucking birthday, I think. So happy birthday, my brother. Cody Plaxico. Carl Hungus, Benito Munoz, and my main people who gave me and Lee some fucking cards to go shopping.

Greg and Lynn Powers. Always made. Making it happen. Be shout-outs from Twitter or what? Lynn looking beautiful. These are people who are fucking family members, you know, on the podcast. That's cool. You know, it's happy.

I'm really happy you came back to it. Something's been going on lately. That just drove me great. You know, an art is a beautiful thing. No matter what you do, it's a beautiful thing. Right. And let's pretend once you get good at that art, it's a beautiful thing. But something happens.

people get involved, and then money gets involved. And when money gets involved, it always makes things. I went to a meeting with Lee a few weeks ago, and the guy was kind enough to just talk to us, and it opened up my eyes. I was pushed into a decision because my agency, they're just treating me like men's of men, you know, and I just wanted more.

I've been on eight auditions, and I wanted to be on more auditions, and I want more backing, you know, so I went to the agent. I met with one guy, and then I contacted my agent. I said, listen, I need the goods. I need the team. What am I doing that?

You guys are just going to put me on the road three weeks a month. You're going to make me money until one day I'm fucking 58, and there's nothing left. Right. And I got no resume. You know what I'm saying? Right. And I know for meetings who shot themselves over that. Right.

You know, so this has to, and they were like, okay, and he tried to play me off, blah, blah, blah. and yesterday was supposed to have a talk and it was one of the worst talks in my life like I remember maybe six or seven talks in my life one of the worst talks when my uncle told me I was a piece of shit that I was never going to mount it on DNA

and all that shit the talk when I went to prison the guy telling me that if he had something I wanted you know there talks that make you look inside right yourself and and it's talks that sometimes You know the answer. You just don't want to think about it until somebody tells you.

And this guy told me what I needed to hear, basically. Okay. He couldn't help me, that they didn't like me. Oh, wow. Okay. And that there's nothing you could do. And in comedy sometimes, that's one of the things that beats you up. You know, that's when you get down on yourself.

Right. I look at other comics, and they talk to comics, and sometimes they look at mine, like Uncle Joey, you know. Everybody went to Montreal. I'm not going to Montreal. You know, and I get it because how was that? guy. I've always been that guy. You know, you're too old for this, you're too young, you came at the

wrong time. And I was thinking after I got off the phone with him, for a minute there was pity. You know, a lot of people don't know this, but I'll put it out there when my mom died, there was money involved, and my stepdad never gave me the money, and for years, I thought he would give me the money.

And one of the chains that I let go of was saying, you know what, I don't want that money. I don't want that money. I'm not even going to fight for that money, no money. or it was taken from me. I have to figure out on my own how to go out there and get this paper.

You know? And that's what a lot of people don't want to do. Like they just did me and Lee a favor. You know what I'm saying? By him saying to me, this is what's going on. We can't help you. We don't want to help you.

They don't like you. You give a guy like me more ammunition, you know? Because you just put a mouse against the wall. I'm one of those dudes. I'm a rat in a corner when you do that type of shit. Oh, yeah. And I've been thinking I thought about it last night.

I mean, last night I was so tired. When I go to acupuncture, it was one thing. Then to heat a pot edible, I slept like a kettlebell workout. I slept like a baby last night. I was watching TV, and I sat there for 20 minutes. I've been sitting here for 20 minutes. I don't even know what the fuck I'm watching. All right.

I was thinking about how your life is always about, they're kind of like disappointments. You get disappointed. And that's the reality. is how stuck you get about that disappointment. That's the reality of life. You have a divorce. If you get stuck for eight years or you get stuck for two, it's all up to you.

You don't even know you're stuck when you're stuck. I've been stuck 20 fucking times, and people listen to the podcast I've been stuck 20 times and they don't fucking know it. But it's so weird how. It's a fucked up way to look at life. What is life? Well, it depends on how you look at it.

You're a little kid. You're a little fucking kid. Everything's good. You've got a pneumonia. You lose an eyeball. You're right. What are you going to do? You're going to be the one eye kid.

Nah, you got to live two life with a glass eye and it looks one way. And your eye looks the other. And you adjust. And then when you're 12, your grandpa dies and your grandpa taught you how to be a fisherman. So now you follow me. How do you react? Well, what are the disappointments, though. But the disappointments make you.

They're positive. They're positive. Yeah, because that's what a lot of people don't understand is positive and negative. Both can be positive for the person that's willing to be positive, period. Lee, for 30 seconds, I almost call you. So, Lee, take the camera and shove it up your fucking asshole. I'm never doing a podcast again. I'm done with fucking entertainment.

Really? Lee, every time somebody takes wind out of your sales, when you're a heart, look, there's two ways to take wind out of a person's sales. There's people who don't want to do the work and they get the wind taken out of their sales. Then there's the people who do the work and get the wind taken out of their sales. Right.

The people who don't do the work, they'll fucking sail away. The people who do the work fucking just fucking pick up those sales again and go fuck it. You know what I'm saying? You got to go for it. You know, that conversation,

listen, I haven't talked to my uncle in 10 months. And it breaks my heart because of my daughter. I want my daughter to have blood, you know, because I don't talk to my uncle. I haven't talked to my cousin. So it's been going on But you know what man I gotta be honest

You I never got to hold of a conversation In 1984 And all the people are listening to me Going Joey how childish are you It was a real fucking conversation When I didn't need that conversation I was starting to mourn It took me five years to finally mourn my mother

And also this motherfucker is telling me That I'm never going to amount to nothing Right Because my DNA was just horrible We were drug dealers And we stabbed people And I gotta tell you That destroyed me

For about, bro, that destroyed me for like two and a half. I had the same thing with my pops. Two and a half fucking months had destroyed it. My father told me I won't go never be shit. And you know what? I'm never going to be shit. Guess what? Now I'm going to show up as good shit.

Right. You know, that teacher that I'm going at dinner with, with my daughter and I, we're going to Arthur Avenue with Mr. T. You know, I lived with Mr. T for six weeks. I was telling you guys before. And I got a job at Kreskill Liquors. And I was robbing these guys blind. I mean, robbing them blind. From day one.

From day two. It took me a day to realize these guys are fucking pigeons. And then I just did it. It was one of those old cash registers. It was old-time alcoholics from the neighborhood. They come in all creeped up between six and nine after they got off the bus to go home and get that late-night bottle. And they come in, they spend $12.99. I charge them $10.2.99.

I take the $10. You understand me? I was making money all night long. Was they counting the inventory or were? They had... So, but there are apple cheese tonight? After a month, they finally, and I would rob right in front of the guy. The owner would be sitting there waving at people.

Meck, how are you doing? I'd be like, $10.99. And then when he would get up, I'd take the 30 out of the register. Even with the fucking camera on me, I was robbing these guys blind. And he complained. Tea came in one day at a liquor store, and they told Tea. And he told me, you embarrassed this shit out of me, you know. And by that time, I had already lived in Tenafly.

And Tea can't call me one day. And he goes, man, I just talked to the guy at the liquor store. the fuck did you do with it right the guy said his fucking inventory went down 80% when you were working I was robbing him Lee I got a whole new apartment furniture a fucking

new walkman I had clothes so what were you doing I would work four nights a week from six to nine and I was stealing 200 I was working with the fuck Lee what I close it down May day

we just got hit Lee fucking two and a half stars. You know what he did? He pressed a button. No, it is. Yes, he did. I watched the whole fucking thing go.

They're back, but I think so. Yeah, that was you, you fuck. I seen the whole thing go down. You hit it. It's like when you hit the music and the fucking thing turns down. You shave your head, and you get all fucking crazy.

What are we saying? About the what? Because you said that he said that your uncle was like, you were doing, he said, man, you did. I cried. I snorted coke and cried in the hotel. I fucking was so. It destroyed

me that because I had felt that I was going to amount to nothing. I was doing nothing. I was robbing people. I was living on people's couches. I didn't have a job. I didn't graduate high school. I had nothing. No potential nothing. I had nothing going on. And I figured I'd come out here and I'd start a new life and he'd finance me and I'd pay him back. Fuck no. He's like, I wouldn't fucking help you. You're garbage. It's in your deep.

DNA. Oh my God. I cried for two fucking days. This was the last of my blood. This guy's supposed to help me. Not fucking put me down. And that put down. And then I got locked up. And I'll never forget sitting in that prison two years later. And I'd be furious at him because he was right. I ended up in prison. And I would go to the pay phone and I'd get whatever, 325 in quarters. And I put the block star 69. And I call him up and I go, you're fucking dead. You're dead in Spanish. And he goes, who's this? Who the fuck is this? And he fucking hang up on me and shit. That's what?

And he fucking hang up the phone on me. But you know what? That talk, because when I got out of prison, that talk in the back of my mind pushed me. You know what I'm saying? When I got locked up, that talk that that dude had with me, I was pissed at him for three months. That made me who I was today.

In 91, this white dude gave me a talk about stand-up comedy talk. that oh my god i still get mad at him for how he spoke to me that day but what he said oh my god he just read me the riot act on life and comedy but when somebody read you the riot act it's a mirror

there's a few people who could do it and get away with it there's people who do it from an anger side right that's not a good side and there's people who do it from a hatred side at the comedy store they'll attack you you know you stole a joke or whatever the fuck they'll go up to you But then there's people that do it because you anger them because you're not doing...

You're not doing your potential. I see it all the time. Like there's nights I go home. I'm leaving and I just look and see what's coming up. I see a comic's new specials coming on. I go, fuck, that guy's made me laugh. And all of a sudden, the first joke is like this fucking stolen joke or this fucking joke. And then I go, you just lost me.

He just fucked it up. So I cheer for the comic. You know what I'm saying? Right, right. Try to give them some kind of. What was I saying now? I'm fucking high. Those fucking stars are fucking up, though.

I still got to take a flight tonight and shit, man. He's fucked up on that flight. See, where you're, all right? Like 11 o'clock. And I... I Zoom didn't wait too much. You what?

I Zoom didn't wait too much. He was like, get to my eyeballs. He fucked up. It's over for that. He's going to stop. He's going to stop. with the Mexican place.

He's got pan-hast of fries. He's going to rub cheese on his face. Look at his head is nice and shiny. Look at him. Oh, my fucking God, look at this dude. He's going. Who gives a fuck? You're on fire.

You're like fucking Madonna in 86. But it's true. Like last night, I could, last night, there was for an hour there. I just sat on the couch numb. Like I just sat there in the chair numb I've been doing comedy 24 fucking years I'm a grown man

I've been through a thousand fucking things I sat on the couch numb The other day No yesterday when I had this conversation With this agent And it all pointed to the same thing It all pointed to anything else that's happened to me in my life Excuse me 9 out of 10

When somebody has told me those type of things It's things I've already known and I paid attention to them I just wanted somebody else to tell me now I know what I have to do to help myself A lot of people usually don't know how to help themselves That's been the fucking theme of this show

That we have different paths I mean you could just get an Anthony Robbins book Right and read the Anthony Hot Whatever's name is Robbins Whatever is fucking thing You can put barbecue coals in your backyard And jump up and down on top of them You know whatever the fuck you want to do

but it's doing it it's fucking you learn from you learn from your fucking mistakes or when life throws you a curveball sometimes life throws you a curveball and I bumped into a friend of mine the other day his father died three years ago left cash

cash but the brother jumped on it before the will got red he hasn't talked to his brother this was his favorite brother the brother stopped talking to the rest of the family you know they're accusing them but taking two million fucking dollars

let me tell you some these people are the nicest fucking white people I ever met I know the brother and I know him and I know the sister and I know the husband to the sister I've known them in L.A. for 15 fucking years I know their kids I know their kids when they were kids now they're adults playing guitars

and shit and you look at it's and I got to tell you something When I saw him the other day To drive home I told my wife And I had a tear in my My wife goes Why are you emotional Because if I ever

If I ever went up before God As a young kid And said what do you want At the age of 10 I want to go I want to be that family When I first met these people When I first met him

I met him as a writer He had a show on ABC That was a top show And I knew this age And said you should meet with him And we hit it off so much And he's from fucking Malibu We hit it off so much

we hit it off so much. He introduced me to the brother, who's a musician, and he introduced me to the sister. I went to their parties. I went to their fucking thanksgivings. Then the dad came. The dad took me and I saw the documentary about the family and their fucking badass.

The dad just did so many great things, and he left all this money. He died unexpectedly. And now this family doesn't talk. And this is like the third family I've grown up around that I loved. As a child or as an adult, and I can see that this has broken him. And I even pulled him aside.

I go, listen, man, I know you're down, but you got to get back to write. Even write a movie about this. You got, you still, whatever. He goes, yeah, I go, so you're sitting at home three years arguing with this guy every two days on the phone. Right. And when I was telling him this, I can see that his eyes lit up, his cheeks got a little red. I go, write a script about a family that got broken up by my mother. That's the only way

You know what I did yesterday After about two hours I went in the room And I wrote about what happened And when I read it back It took the sting away Right And it made my life a lot better

And I'm here with you motherfuckers today So sometimes something bad happens You know you feel bad Write it down And tell the story And then read it And by reading it You're like oh this ain't nothing

This is like Mahmah Ali punching me in the fucking jaw Man You know what I'm saying? Right Right Sometimes I get worked up Like, I feel like I'm getting towards the end of what you were talking about earlier.

Like, like, feeling jealous. Like, every few months, I'll be like, oh, like, I'll get, like, nervous. I'll have a big bill or something. And I'll get nervous. And, and, uh, I get, like, worked up in my head. And then it's, like, I have to calm myself down. So it's kind of cool. I guess, writing it down would be helpful.

Like, you could just write it down. You'd be surprised sometimes. What? sometimes you get mad at it but like listen one thing I've learned is and I was wrong

for a long time I love all those revenge films I watch the Chinese connection again with Bruce Lee I watched the movie right there Fistafuri in Chinese connection because they got the messages

God damn when he hangs those two dudes he starts hanging people in Chinese connection but it's so weird like man on fire all those movies are my type of movies

but you learn something sometimes I learned it with my ex-wife. Do you know I tweeted my ex-wife, like my daughter, and I sent her a message, and I tried to be a friend that's still pending? Can you fucking believe that shit? I just want to get, but you know what?

I feel good. I got it out of the way. Now I get a decision from her. At least he's pending it. She didn't decline it. Who gives her fuck? She's going to decline it. I don't give a fuck at this point. This is what's going to happen. But it's so weird. Like, all those situations, it's true. People say, those situations tough in you up because

it's how you respond and how long you're caught in limbo. I was caught in my mother's death for five years. It took five years off me. Then another 20 I gave to cocaine. I lost 25 fucking years along the fucking way, fucking around. You know, do I wish I had them back? Yes and no.

Because it made me double up. Yeah, it made me who the fuck I am today, man. Sometimes I get emails from people telling me how bad that life is, and I got to walk them off the fucking cliff. Give them a quote. And that's what it is. It's how we react to these fucking things. dog. This motherfucker

yesterday. I called Lee last night. What time? Lee, 12 o'clock we were talking about our plan. Were we not? Yeah. I almost took you out the dinner last night with that card we had and then my wife made fried chicken. You know, somebody makes fried chicken. She's from the south. You can't. There ain't no dinner. I was going to take it to a Chinese restaurant last night. Which one? The one you were talking

about the fucking egg rolls the other night on the podcast. Oh yeah, that's a good way. Uncle Joey takes care. Where is this? Tell him, Leon. Coldwater. It's like Emperor Express. It's a Burbank. and yeah, right around there. Right by the Valley College, there's two malls. Pretty good.

That's what he said. I've never eaten there. Oh, you just look at the pictures? Don't be bullshit. Don't send me. Don't pull a Steve Simone on you. Oh, you. It's a curse of it.

I've only gotten delivery. It looks like it's one of those, like, shitty places that you only get taken out from. What did you get delivery from there? Well, I've gotten, okay, I've gotten the General's Chicken. Oh, yeah. I've gotten pan fried and steamed dumplings. The egg rolls are really good. and then that's really it

like sometimes I'd mix it up but that's really like qualms about most Chinese places and stuff like that out here they're not you like back east you get big chunks of white meat and a little bread wrapped around and out here it's like

all of it's hard battered except for Chin Chin Chin's do it like back east you know what I'm talking about Joe what are you eating though I don't want no matter anyone no I'm not like you know sweet sour chicken or I want to see that meat

last time I ate bad that it could be a finger I could be a frankie and shit but but you know like they said did you know child chicken you don't eat none of that the sweet sour no no no no no what do you eat when you go to a churning nah like if I get like I'm a shrimp and lobster sauce type of guy but that shit is whatever the shimba loss

always but the whole problem is these motherfucklers don't know how to make it so I got to adjust to some type of meat dish right you know what is lobster sauce I've never even had it. Delicious. I've seen it all the time. You got to eat on the East Coast. You can't eat it here. It's like the East Coast they make

egg food young and they put a sauce on it with little fucking sprouts delicious. If Chinatown somewhere, like, I had it in Boston. Off a Route 1 at that comedy place, oh my God. With the brown fried rice and stuff. I like all that stuff, but nah. You know, I was going to take you there and like,

ah, and then my wife made the fried chicken. I said, fuck that. And she only made a She made chicken soup, but she took two pieces, six pieces, and she fried them up. The baby got two, I got two, and my wife got two. I'm not sure how sick you were. I think you're just like, I think I'm like going to make fried chicken. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, guys like me don't get sick.

Guys like me into preventive medicine. That's the secret. That's what America can do. When you're making $10 an hour, when you have two kids and you feel a flu coming on, you don't have time to sleep. You know what I'm saying? So you try to do the best you can't to maintain it. If I don't feel good on a Monday night

and I got to leave on Thursday, the last thing I want to do is give the people on Friday a bad show because I'm sick. You would do a show when you're sick. You can pull it off. I've done it. I can't pull it off. But I try not to.

No, but emotionally you can't do it. Emotionally, you can't breathe. I've seen a lot of comments. You get a headache. Yeah. It's not a good fucking fear. You've got to talk to people afterward. Now you're giving them your fucking

You can't explain them. You got the flu. They still want to take a picture. You got a letter a week later. You're fucking a flu shot. Trust me. You don't want to work sick. You don't want to do anything sick.

I just don't like to want to try it because I don't want to try it and it don't work. And, you know, it's like a waste of their money and time. Yeah, no, no. I don't know. I want you to see the 100% Joey. Yeah. That's how I am. So that's what you want.

Do you have a system for beating a good for staying healthy then? Not sweating. Not getting fucking cold air on your. back, not, you know, just chilling, fucking taking some vitamin C, drinking a ton of fucking water and pissing that shit out. You know, and I know how it is to be sick,

but have to go to work, and you have a sweatshirt on, you get hot, you take that sweatshirt, all. Bang, fucking pneumonia. So when I'm going on the road, that's why lately people get mad at me after shows. Do you want to get high? I'm not getting high with you, because I got three weeks of fucking work. And people don't give a fuck. They've just

gotten over the flu and influenza and the chicken pox, and they want get high so they go to work and tell their friends on Monday they took a picture of you smoking dope I can't do it I gotta fucking go to work on Monday you can't be sitting there breathing on my neck gumming up the rolling paper and then I get the fucking chin chin flu and next thing I gotta go on a plane with a mask and I gotta be sick

that's a horrible way to be when you're trying to fucking do comedy work I got a couple weeks left for the year I want to finish it all up healthy and enjoy the holidays like everybody else dog you got a fucking flu or something you gotta go on a plane you got pneumonia there's a Another type of flu on the fucking plane. The guy next to you is from fucking Bulgaria. And he brought some flu from

from Alaska. And here you are with two flus confused that work in your body. Your immune system is trying to fight two different fucking flu bugs. Good luck, cocksucker. That's why you got to take fucking on it. That's why Shroom tech, fucking, I

live on that shit immune. Shroom tech. Live on it. What is that? Shroom tech is this pile of soppas fucking mushrooms. They got for conditioning. I don't know the words Listen, I'm 600 milligrams I'm 700 milligrams in

Don't be asking me questions Jeopardy is not going to resist Let me just run through the ad And I'll send you to the webpage Fucking people Want to ask me questions I can see if it was a white dude Black people don't ask questions

By the way they want to fucking ask questions Black people Man I mean you threw that out there Like I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm doing it Everybody wants to ask questions Hey, you know, they're trying to understand what we go. Black people hear mushrooms, they just keep frucking.

Look at the other way and shit. Black people to dish, don't like mushrooms. Right, right. You know, but not the ones out here in Hollywood. You want to insult the black person. Give a black person a portobello mushroom. They lose their mind when they see a portobello mushroom. You don't see a portobello mushroom in the ghetto.

It's so funny how black people and other people get high. It's hilarious. because like I just the whole vernacular I was talking about this on stage how like, because I was telling people how like if you're black and you call weed pot how I can't trust you.

You know what I'm saying? Because black people we don't call weed pot. What are you calling? Wee Cush. And though you never hear no rapper like I got a bunch of potting motherfucking trunk, you know, you know what I'm saying? I'm in the crib hitting that pot. You never I call it reflite. Yeah, Rifa, whatever fuck.

Reefa. We call it whatever. We do another edible. Hayes, Perp. You know what I'm saying? If a black dude say pot, it's like... Don't trust him?

Don't trust it. They do come up to me like, Doc, you want to smote a pot? I'm like, no, no, no. Officer, what the fuck? Who sent you? Like, why are you here? Robert Johnny Jr. undercover again?

Nah, you can't. Because only two types of people can, black people can say the word pot. That's undercover cops or the black dude that, like, come from the subject. birds with like the sweater tied around his neck and his name better be like Carlton or some shit like that like them only like but we just don't say pot every time I hear black dude say pot which is very very infrequent I get like ugh like where you from like it's just weird

what if you're a black guy say like marijuana it's funny yeah you just don't hear him I never hear I never hear black people say shit like that let me do the shroom tech I'm talking about this shit anyway shroom tech shroom tech immune shroom tech sport though the hamps protein 16 grams of scoop The chocolate I mean Fucking on it

It's got it if you need it That's all I'm trying to say to you You fly a lot They got the turnaround 180 You know the alpha brain There's the bread and butter right here It's uh What the fuck is it

Is these virus grown new tropic That's right Alpha GPC And AC 11 This gets your mind thinking It opens up avenues You understand me You take two alpha brains

You smoke a joint Call me in the morning motherfucker. You're going to have dreams and color and shit like that. Anyway, 100% money back guarantee. You've heard about Alpha Brain. Here it is. Here's your opportunity. Cucksucker. Go to audit.com right now and press in.

Church. Boot. We get 10% off your first order. And you got 100% money back guarantee with Alpha Brain. If you don't feel a fucking difference between two weeks, we don't even want the material back. We'll just send you the fucking cash. How's that one for money back guarantee? They're also the makers of hemp protein powder. They're also the maker

of not hemp force. Is it a hemp force? I'm kind of stoned right now. It's hemp force protein powder. There ain't nothing better. The chocolate with a banana in it and some peanut butter. Stop the fucking press this. And like I say, Shroom Tech, I live and die by that shit. I fly every weekend.

I hit that Shroom Tech immune. I got Asians coughing on me. I show up with a big dick smelling like soy sauce like a motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, go tohunter.com right now and press in. Church. Let me get the Mianti stuff, will you? You got the Miondi stuff over there.

They got the material, Teflon, whatever the fuck. We close in all the world. What's going on? Yeah, we've got to get the fuck out of it. Oh, my bad. What the fuck, Lee? Where you've been with the Miondi's? You're slipping.

What's with the notes? You're over there, right? No, it's the texture. You have all your stuff, man. Jesus Christ, Lee. You're slipping. That's it. So here's the deal, guys.

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I still got the white cotton things because I grew up on those things. But I wear the fucking Miondi's to Jiu-Jitsu. I wear the Miondi's when I go to the YMCA, under stuff to keep everything. When I fly, I wear Mionys. Luxury is half the retail price that you find anywhere. Miondi's knows this. And that's why they create the world's most comfortable underwear

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So, Meandi has removed that from the equation. So if you order for Meandis right now and you give us our code, boom, you get it for free. To Mirandi.com slash Joey. Boom, you get that for free. And Meandis even has a money back guarantee. If you don't love with the first pair of Mionis, you keep it for free. That means you have nothing to lose.

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It's the holidays. These are the underwear to get your boyfriend. He's going to love him. Plus, his balls will smell fresh. Everything's tucked away. And that's it. I love you guys, man. I'm happy Doc came up to that.

My man. Dropping some knowledge for you people that are having a rough time right now. It's the holidays. Hey, we love y'all, man. First of all, yeah, and make sure you take that with you through the rest of your week,

through the rest of your holidays, through the rest of the year, and into next year. Listen, there's the most important thing that's the holidays, and a lot of people feel down during the holidays. You know what you do?

You do what you can do and you start the new year off. You write some goals. You see where you get help, you know, but you got to help yourself. It's a whole new fucking year coming up, and we're all trying to be better

every fucking day. I'm going to be at the street. Rest Factory, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Next weekend in San Francisco at the punchline. Then I'm at Irvine Improv. The night before Thanksgiving, the 8 o'clock show. Lee Aetl be down there,

co-hosting the show. You know what I'm saying? You know, he's always there to pick up a free fucking envelope. Works me to know, and that's why I love him. Doc, thank you for coming on. You got anything going on, Doc, or you're around town? I'm around town. So, actually, I have a gig.

well I do but I got to I ain't even confirmed you yet but I'll let you know I'll let them know on my Twitter Doc Willis comedy or my Instagram Doc Willis comedy and you can see anything that I post there and see what I've become shows I put it on there and now that's it

bro all right Lee wrap this motherfucker up why are you sitting there like a mama lucaire I don't know this show is brought to you by Miandis go to meandis.com slash joey to get 20% to get 20% off your first order of all the great men's underwear and t-shirts, socks.

Go to meandis.com slash joey to get 20% off your first order with free shipping in the United States and Canada. And go to onit.com and use co-word church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products. Oh shit. Oh shit. You're hearing some chickens in this motherfucker. What? Get up, cock suck, uncle Joey. See you guys next week, Monday night. Maybe Monday afternoon I'm not having decided yet.

My allergies are killing me. Stay black. Have a great weekend.