The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #334 - Sam Tripoli

Episode Date: November 17, 2015

Sam Tripoli, Comedian and co-host of The Punch Drunk and International Bad Boys Podcast's, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 11/17/2015.
    

This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Oh shit. Go to Onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off. All the great optimization products like AlvaBrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech, Immune, Shroom Tech, Sport, and Strong Bone. It's code word church to get 10% off. Go to NailedItLife.com and use code word Joey Diaz to get 20% off the premier vapor pen on the market. And if you live in California, only if you're lucky enough to live in California, you do you have access to Los Gumi Cermanos, the edible rules that now that life also makes, check them out, and go to hites6.com.

That's hitesigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you. Right now when he's covered, Joey's Church, you get five hit E-sigs for $50. Oh, oh, oh, shit. November 16th. Sam Tripoli

The days are flying The day the devil was buried at sea Cock suckers Oh shit To all the ladies in the place With style and grace Allow me to lace these biblical dushes in your bushes God damn

The church of what's happened now Coxuckers What's up Lysayette? I'm just enjoying that I haven't heard that song That's a fucking great jam Great jam, you hear it sometime Oh, he's the best. Jesus, fucking Christ.

And what's up with you, my brother? Just living and loving, man. Thanks for having me out. I just wanted to let everybody know I'm going to be in Las Vegas this Saturday night. The, what is that? The 21st, I'll be a backstage bar and billiards with Ryan Sickler of the crab feast. Me and him going out there. Get your tickets.

Go to ticketfly.com or samtrippley.com. Get it. Love it. And then the following week, I am in. Flycatchers in Tucson. That is the 27th. and the 28th, I'm at the stand-up Scottsdale. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, just Vegas.

Just talk, and then we'll do it later. Vegas. Vegas. Vegas. We're going to try to fucking work on Vegas. Just trying to get it all in. People, January, Tucson. You need to get my hero to come to your show.

You hear about the guy who won two and a half million on the Royals and then $250,000 on home. Yeah. Oh, my God. Where's he from? I don't know. I know he lives in Vegas. It's like Vegas Vinny or something. So wait a second.

Oh, Vegas Vinny, you're right. 250. He won what? He won $2. 0.5 on the Royals and then went a quarter of a million on home. What do you bet on homes? 20, I think it would have been

20 grand. Yeah, it was 20 grand because it was like 12 times. Did you try the bet on it? I did and I couldn't get out my betting site and I'm like, ah, fuck it. My buddy won 1,500. We were sitting there watching at sales comedy hole having a great time. It's just, it's

amazing. Could you imagine I mean, how often does a, and it was a big day of upsets too, like every football game was an upset. Yeah. Could you imagine hitting all that money? Getting $2.5 million off of the Royals, that's my hero. Yeah.

Yeah, but that dude didn't tell you what he's lost over the fucking years. All the time. That's true. Yeah, that would say when they went $2.5 million, but ask him what he lost last year. I could watch my dad play like 10 hands in a row, lose 10 in row. I go, Dad, how are you doing today? I'm even. I'm even.

I'm even. I'm just watching here for an hour. Just getting your ass who up. You missed all the good. You mean, I was on a huge role. What's going on, Sam? I'm just happy, man. Things are good, man.

I've just been gigging, do my new podcast, the International Bad Boys Hour. And that's Mondays. Every Monday. And then you do Punch Drunk on TV. And then tomorrow I do Punch Drunk with Ari Shafir and Tebow. So as a punch drunk guy and OVE is, what do you think happened this week around the Rouse? You know, a little bit of everything, dude. I think you couldn't really focus.

I think she has so many, she was spread a little thin on a lot of stuff. I think she underestimated her opponent. it and I think that we just never got to see how great Holly Holmes could be in the ring in the octagon because I think everybody knew how great she was and no one really engaged her so we always it always looked like she was moving slow she wasn't doing very good exclude her first fight because every that octagon shock right

so you always get to the big dance who did she fight the first fight I'll have to look it up I'm not sure but she fought in Staples center co-main event her first you remember when Rhonda that's right that's right Who'd she beat that girl in like 14 seconds? Right. And so her first five was there. A little Akkan shocked. You're in the big dance.

Not only are you in the big dance, but you're the second fight. You're the co-main event. So you exclude that. But I think maybe, and I could be wrong, but maybe nobody wanted to engage her because they knew how deadly her striking was. And the only one crazy enough to run right at her was Rhonda Rousey, who just went right on. I think, you know, sometimes people drink their own Kool-Aid. and I think maybe that's what happens right there.

And, you know, I'm punched drunk. We've been saying it forever. It's like they didn't want her to take on Cyborg because I think they felt Cyborg was an elite striker, and I think that's what they got with Holly Holmes. I'm very ashamed that I had to ask Lee to even see who Holly Holmes is fighting. Two years ago, I did not feel about the UFC how I feel now. You know, it's like I really enjoyed the UFC.

Then it became this thing, you know, and it became this thing that was, borderline of what I like. I like quiet guys. It's a martial arts. Yeah. There should be no really trash talk. And you know what?

I like Sam. I'm going to fight. I'm going to do the best I can. I'm going to try to punch him in the face. That's it. And you go on and say, Joey, blah, blah, but it just got too weird. It got too weird and too personal stuff about Brazil and this and that. And, you know, Ronda, I loved her at first.

And then it just went sour. Like it was just, you know, talking out of place. and doing this, and then the fucking guy got creepy. Yeah. And you could tell that something was cracking because the mother raised their hand first. And then this guy, you know, for me it was a lot of things. I saw somebody who stuck to a game plan. That's what I saw.

I saw the brilliance of Craig and Winklejohn. You know, now why John Jones and all these people, I saw the brilliance. You know, we discussed it all the time. A man without a plan is not a man. She had a plan She stuck to it Yeah You know, Nietzsche

She stuck to it You know, Rhonda Frye I was going I just got back From whatever I was doing Friday And I went to the hotel room And there's the Wands And I go let's see what happened

Yeah, me too And once I saw the Wands I'm like Look at this crazy fucking bitch How she walked out there With a hair Then she ran out And whatever she was saying

To Joe Rogan Like I think even if you Got Joe in a corner And said, What did you think think about that when you asked her, well, she ever be a thing, she's a sweet girl. And what the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck are you on? So it was this weird thing. And then I went on stage in New Jersey, I get the fuck off stage, I look at my phone and on Twitter is the knockout. Like that was on the fucking whatever. Immediately. Immediately it was on. They kicked to the head.

And I got to tell you, I was fucking ecstatic. I was fucking ecstatic. It was so just because we were watching it, we were eating and that salad was showing us to fight. And everybody's watching and I'm just like, hey dude, Ronda's got, when you really broke it down, you took away all the hype and all that stuff and you thought, what's Ronda's way to win, pretty much her only way to win is that arm bar she goes for? After that, I'm like, if Holly Holmes sucks her into a striking match and she buys into it

and her ego is so big that she does think she's this elite striker and she's in trouble. And then I just started happening. And I go, everybody, go, you haven't seen the head kick yet. I kept yelling. I'm like, head kick's coming, dude. Just watch for it. And when she swung and she missed to her knee, and you just saw something in her eye going,

that doesn't happen to me. And she got panicked. And she tried to rush her like a bowl. She got spun around. And then here comes the pain. Bam! And just put her deep, man. The way her head hit.

She was out before her head hit. It looked to me. Yeah, she was out. The thing that I haven't heard anyone talk about is Rwanda fought three times in nine months. Title fights three times. I've been a fan for a few years. I've never seen another champion do that, to be honest. Listen, it's a fucking cash register.

Absolutely. She's a walk. She was getting $10 million for this fight? Dude, yeah, well, I mean, after pay-per-view? I mean, the numbers on this fight are humongous. Not only, dude, I was at the store after the fight. It was what everybody was talking about. Have you ever seen that ever?

People were talking on the fucking plane. And I'm not talking about people with fucking Infinity shirts on and MMA shirts on. I'm talking about fucking Gentiles to the business people traveling. You know, I heard that what's the name said something, Lady Gaga and Trump. You know, I got to tell you something. What really surprised me was people's reaction. Like all the people on the bandwagon either flipped or that many people wanted to see her. get her ass kicked.

Me, like I said, I haven't had interest in her fights in the last two or three fights because of her, you know, nothing personal. I just, I got bigger fish to fucking fry. Yeah, got your own problems. So. Why do you think all this Ronda hates coming out?

Because she's one of the biggest stars in the sport, if not the world now. And then I don't have a problem with the not shaking hands. Plenty of guys don't shake hands. And you know what? She's a fighter. I honestly don't care what she does. outside. Until the fight's happening,

it doesn't matter to me at all. Well, I just want to say one thing real quick in that. It wasn't that long ago that you remember Rogan going, are they ever going to not stop booing your fights? Do you remember that? Because she had done the ultimate fighter and did not come off well. You know, because

she's an alpha, she's a super aggressive alpha, and she was on that, and Misha Tate came off looking like the nice one. Rhonda came off is not looking at the nice one. And all of her fights, she'd walked down the aisle and they were booing her fights and Joe goes why are they booing you I don't get that so it was there was a time and which wasn't that long ago maybe two years ago in which she would get booed at

her fights and the machine kind of got going and they got behind her fox Reebok the ultimate fighter ESPN which really likes is trying its hardest even even though it's killing itself to get the female demographic going I mean that I mean ESPN is destroying itself trying to lure female viewers and they all just went in the high drive because Ronda could get access to shows and mediums that no one else could. I mean, to announce your fight on Good Morning America, I mean, that never happens.

And that happened there. I can't understand where she was at. That's a level that I'll never even be close to. But, you know, it's like she, when you talk all that kind of smack, you know, people sometimes, you know, if you don't fucking back it up, people. really stopped paying attention when the whole thing that she's going to beat up the boxer listen listen stop stop she was not going to fight floyd way mather or floyd way mayweather

and fucking come out successful i don't care what anybody said and listen i don't give a a fuck right man that was that was just do you mean boxing or m m ms they were saying she was going to beat up boy mayweather but she could beat up like at you see she could probably do the arm burst you You don't think? Listen, he would punch her 50 fucking times in the face before she fucking saw anything. You know, one person called me and said, what happened there, the truth, was real boxing. She went up against somebody who was, did you see GSP's trainer break it down about how good she did with the arm? Everybody who puts the arm around her when she had locks her, she put her wrist-tee and kept it away.

and she would get her hips real low so Rhonda couldn't flip her. Winkle John and Greg Jackson did a fucking tremendous job. They're amazing. They're amazing. And you know what? Dana hated them before this. He fucking hates them now.

He must fucking be at a Santeria place putting voodoo on him because he fucking hates them now. You know, they took pictures of Dana White's face. Like this whole fucking thing is just weird. Yeah. You know, and like I said, I love the fighters. I love, I talk to Anderson's manager the other day, you know, Sinister, and we have her dean on.

I talked to, but I just something about it. The last year has just been something not really for me. Well, it's like, okay. So wait a second. So the fucking jets, okay, are in the fucking playoffs against the dolphins, right? But the Dolphins lost the first six games, and then they won six. So they're really six and six. And they deserve to be in the fucking playoffs.

But you know what? For some reason, I'm just going to switch it. I'm going to make Kansas City going to fucking playoffs. When the Irishman was going to do that big fight in Boston, there was only one person he was supposed to fight in my world. And that was Frankie Egger. That was no fucking German. That was no whatever.

That was Frankie fucking actor. Well, obviously that one was bad, but that's the issue. In NFL, it's just based on record. No one's making that decision. So when there's a fight maker... Right. What I'm saying is in season 11, in game 11, week 11, if you're 0 and 9 and the Dallas Cowboys are 9-0,

Goodell's not going to call and say, nah, switch that. Put somebody else in there. I did hear that they did switch your schedule because the team is really bad this year. Oh, yeah, they have flex on Sundays. They can move them up and do. Right. They did switch something. But, you know, there was one person that he was supposed to fight.

Yeah. That's it. And the guy's name was Frankie fucking Edgar. Not some fucking 50-year-old German guy that, you know, oh, he's a tough fighter. No. Frankie fucking Edgar. When that didn't happen, my television shut off. No, I'm with you.

Okay? After she beat whatever and she beat somebody else and somebody else, listen, stop it. It was time for that fucking savage from Brazil. Yeah. That's what the people want to fucking see. It was time for that chicken hurt, and that's all we wanted to see. But you didn't let that happen. So look what happened.

Look what fucking happened. The worst fucking scenario in the world. And that bitch is laughing in Brazil right now going, thank God I'm going to get my hand. Let's do it now. Let me go in there now against it because I really shut her fucking lights out. She still wants a fighter. She still wants a fighter. There's no way that that happened.

Oh, no. Well, you never know now. You never know now. No, but I think you're right. I think if she lost the cyborg, she'd just probably be like, I could just make movies and not get punched in the face. I mean, I think it's going to be interesting. I think Rhonda Rousey will always be a legend.

I don't think she'll ever have to have a real job ever, you know. She's going to be able to go on speaking tours and all that stuff for the rest of her fucking life. But, I mean, she has to really, like, there has to be calculated moves from here on. I don't think you put her back in Wahley, because I don't think anything's going to be any different. and I think that's why they didn't want it to fight Cyborg because they knew this was going to fucking happen. I'd rather see Holly versus Cyborg right now than see Ronda Rousey versus either of those.

Ronda should go back and fight Amisha Tate or something really simple. You know, the first time that I saw the UFC manipulating everything, and I love them. I've met, you know, you've met Dana White. Dana White's a fucking nice guy. I love all those guys. Joe, they're fucking great guys. They're great people, dude.

Great people. You know? But the first time they did that, It was with Rampage Jackson and Chuck Liddell, and it bit them there too, because they wanted Rampage to go, he fought Eastman first. Right, he fought Eastman first. And they got him right in with Chuck Lidl before he could really get centered because, you know, he'd beaten Chuck before. And Chuck at that time was the cash cow. He was the guy that was getting on SportsCenter when nobody else was getting on SportsCenter.

And I did something with him on my Spike Show. And he goes, I go, yeah, so you're fighting him. He's like, yeah, I don't want to fight him right now, but they want to get me in there with him quickly because they think that's the best shot. he's got of winning. And that was the first time I realized when they were manipulating shit. And it caught them right there too, man. That was the beginning of the end. It's the fight game. Why do I

like sports? It's because for the most part, the best win. You put the best up against the best. I live in a city of dick suckers, you know, where everybody's sucking a lot of dick. And you could see when people get manipulated here and there not to get super negative, but you see it happening with these new specials coming out and everyone's like,

what the fuck is this? You know? They get pushed in front. Sports is like the best take on the best you can't fake it in the octagon it's the best take on the best and when she would call these people out knowing that she'd never gonna fight them that's when i think she started losing people and when she's going on like she went on the espn and she was talking to will bond about hey who do you think's what do you think's going to happen first me uh losing or the the cubs winning the world series i'm like you just don't say that shit you know it's like you just you got to walk quietly carry a big stick that's my opinion i like a little shit talking i like my

Hamd Ali, and even though people thought he did something against what's Joe Frazier, which was disrespectful. He treated him pretty poorly. But I think for the most part, there's a bravado, but there's a way of doing it. And I just don't think she handled it well. Now, on the other side of that, if you know anything about Ron the Rousey, let's put this on the table. She's a fucking hard worker. I hear she, yeah, and I hear she's really nice. She's very nice, and she's a fucking hard worker.

so I know she put the effort into this fight that's not going to be the case she got the knee operated on she got the whole thing but in her defense listen I don't know what do you think is harder becoming the champion

or staying the champion I would say staying that seems to be oh yeah because all your fighting is the best and everybody wants to talk to you you know I can't imagine Rhonda Rousey's life you can't really imagine You can't have, guys, if you're at home right now, I don't care how much money you have at that level, knowing the type of athlete that she is.

Elite athlete. She's done it all. There was two things, you know, the mother came out and said she didn't like the train. Look at another thing we all. They already fired him. They fired him? Yeah. They did.

He's done? I read one article. Who knows? But that I read one article that he was. I can check. No, no, no. This was something, you know, that wasn't handled right. Now, everybody could point fingers.

when this happened so quickly, guys, when this happened so quickly, I just read something about Amy Schumer and she said something about that this is not comfortable. You have no idea what this is like, you know, doing this and press and, you know, it's tough enough

just being a stand-up fucking comic. Yeah. And now they want you to do specials. And now after that special, they want another special in eight months. And you got to go out and take pictures and fucking go to clubs and, you know, TMZ is going to be there.

And this is, not stand up anymore. Now it becomes something else. And it's very tough to keep your game going. You know, Kevin Hart got blessed his fucking soul. He's at basketball games. He's writing jokes. He's doing fucking arenas. You know, Gabriel bless his fucking soul. That guy has not stopped in six years. Ralphie May, 10 years that fucking guy. Grinding, dog. Grinding, you know, every fucking week out there. Her work ethic is amazing. Yeah. But the other thing, there was so many. other things going on in her life. So many other things going on

in her life. Everybody's approaching you. You know, she's with CIA. She's taking every division that CAA's got is making a million dollars with it. Because the branding, this, that, you know, I guarantee there's toys and geese and judo accessories

and there's every fucking. Yeah, you know, what's his name? Didn't what's his name have 76 ways to make a living? And each one of them was making a half million dollars. Larry the cable guy. Dolls and boxes and this you know and engagements and talking to people and getting up at five to do radio and fucking Bulgaria Because some TV show wants you you know guys it's fucking grueling it really is grueling And then the expectations that you have and things that happen now

Nobody tells you nothing Negative you become so big that nobody says to you hey today we're doing this you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Today we're going to, did everybody else notice? Everybody's going to me. When she got punched in the face,

she was really in shock. Reminded me of Brock Lesnar, when he got hit by that kid from Colorado. No, the other kid, the white dude that retired with the bad back. Connor Hughes? Oh, no, no, no, I know what you're talking about.

Shane Carwin. Shane Carwin. He fought Shane Carwin. Shane Carwin hit him with a shirt. I was there for that fight. He held his face. He held his cheek. That means nobody had hit him.

You know, she's doing these things where she just comes out and she's flipping a guy and falling on top of them and, you know, in training, who were they putting up against her? She's doing movies, so I really can't touch your face. She's doing ads. I really

can't touch your face. So it becomes something fucking else, guys. Yeah. So I want you to consider all these things. When she got smacked in the face, look at her face. Her fucking demeanor changed, like, this hasn't happened to me at fucking years. Yeah.

Why are you punching? me in the face. Like, who are you to punch me in the fucking face? You know, they have tape recordings to her, her on the floor. And they're like telling, she's like, no, no, no. I want to go back in there. She got knocked the fuck out to the point. But the other side of this, her ego was so huge, that that hurt more than anything.

Yep. And that's the toughest fucking thing to repair. Well, how much did the UFC build that ego? Like, were you guys, I didn't know her in the ultimate fighter. Was she always like this? Do you want coffee? Can I cut your fucking? fucking toenails.

Instead of driving, let's pick you to fuck up. You're great. You were great the other night. You look fucking beautiful. Did you see you on Jimmy Fallon? She looked like a fucking Halloween monster. Okay, her hair was all fucked up.

They put fucked up makeup on her. You know, her chest was a, it's not that who you are. Yeah. Do you follow me, people? And since you're in a different realm, you don't even know anymore.

You don't even know what you're right. Guys, you don't know what's right and wrong. She's only 28, and she's only 28. You know, this is overwhelming for people with 30 fucking 5. Let me tell you what was, you know, let me tell you what was one of the toughest times of my life looking at it now that we've discussed here of having a great time. But in reality, it was a tough time from my comedy ego. And I've never tried to have an ego. It's when I was shooting the longest yard.

When the longest yard came out, I sat by the phone the next day with a pencil on a piece of paper. I was like, let's see who makes the biggest offer first. Okay? You know, I mean, you want me to lie to you? No. Why do you fucking triple-e? No. And you would have done the same?

I totally respect that. And at least you would have done this. I understand what that means. You know, and you don't understand. When you're shooting a movie or television show, you do four takes, they fucking laugh. They laugh like it's the end of the world. And you're turning around and going, why are these people? laughing. Am I that funny? Then they're coming up

to you. And then I would have Nick Swanson and all the Adam's friends when this movie comes out, it's all over for you. It's curtains. You know, I was having fucking people calling me from Paramount. People from Paramount were all already calling management teams. I had people already fucking calling me going, hey man, we like to meet.

How did you hear about? Oh, we heard you were looking for me. I want to look for my management. And I would go meet and they take me out. You know how many fucking lunches? I went to Lee after the longest yard. So what happened? Nothing. Nothing.

Why? Lee. Nothing. Nothing. Things happened, but they happened in cultures. It happened in cultures. Okay, somebody's shooting a movie. They get home at 10 from production meeting.

They're fucking sitting there. They're shooting a mobster movie. They turn on TNT in the longest yard is on. Oh, fuck. Joey Diaz. I get a call a week later. And then while I'm shooting, they take. Tell me.

We were watching the Longish Yard, and that's where I came from. That grudge match, that director hated me. I shot the Longest Yard with him. He told me to my face. He didn't like me at the fucking premiere. He told me to my fucking face. He didn't like me. It was not his call.

Adam fucking, I wasn't his first choice. Blah, blah, blah, blah. They needed a guy for grudge match. He was in a grind. He's sitting at home watching football, and I come out in the fucking Go Daddy commercials, a pizza guy. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

Things work in cultures. Things work and cultures here. We might be going to the store. How long have we been going to the store? I've been doing it in 15. 15 years. Has anybody ever called you and said, because before we went to the store,

you heard that Gabe Kaplan? Gabe Kaplan, welcome back, Carter. The guy saw him. The deal was cut in the boot in the main room. Come here, look on CBS. Hi, we're from CBS. We love you. We have an idea for a school teacher

with a bunch of guys. We've already seen everybody. We've got the cast. Oh, we need is the teacher. if you sign here, we'll do 13. Boom, we all heard that story. Has that happened to you? Never.

Has fucking PBS called you and said we want somebody to get under a lizard? We want you to come down here and do a fucking operative. Never. So you sit there and go, does this happen? Tripoli, someday, after a Tuesday night with 13 people on a fucking, the only night that snows in L.A. in January, somebody's going to call you and go, hi. I'm calling you from Paramount Casting. One of our associates saw you last night at the thing.

Do you know how the Sopranos knew I was alive? How? A 1245 spot in the Toyota Comedy Festival, which I bombed. I followed a Latin band. That fucking Mike Robles put a spick show together, put six spicks, put a Latin band, and then put me to close the show. Oh, my God. You ever follow a salsa band after they do three songs?

Oh, I haven't. You have no idea. But this poor lady was in the back of Carolines. So I'm walking home fucking ready to cry. Yeah. And all of a sudden she comes up to me and gives me a card and says, can you be an audition tomorrow, 11 o'clock? Okay.

So you never fucking know. So everything works in cultures. In my mind, I thought the longest show was going to get released. And Monday, CBS was going to call and say, Hey, you interested in doing CSI, 22 episodes? Sure. That's what I really thought. thought, do I walk around like that

Lee, now that you know me, do I ever walk around like that? Have I ever said to you when the fucking Tripoli podcast drop it's all over? Wait till they see my episode of what's the show that comes on that one with the black guy and they talk in to your jokes? Comics Unleash? Comics Unleash. You ever have those guys pull you over? Dog gets all over.

Tommy is going to be sorry. I'm not a regular. Wait to my comics Unleash gets released. People really have And I was one of those guys. I could sit here and say people when the longest yard came out because of the bullshit that was told to me. I and...

And how long were you on the longest yard set? 17 fucking weeks of lies. So imagine three years or whatever, four years of lies constantly. 17 weeks of people saying, wait until this movie comes out joy. I looked at the Daily's. Joey Paramount loves it.

I remember shooting the movie and being in Routts at 2 in the morning fucking snorting. out of my mind getting mixer and one of the editors he was just as coke that as I was comes up to me and goes dog I'm on the editing crew of the longest

year out we've been putting that movie together there's 24 hour ships god damn you're fucking good in that movie I mean it was coming from all over how would you react right right you yeah people lighten my cigarettes but then it was funny the day the movie stopped shooting that was it no more phone

calls no more nothing people like every time I saw those guys know they go Oh, fuck. Then Edwin San Juan, people started seeing the trailer. All this fed into this fucking, this ego was bulletproof. I never fell for none. I was never one of those guys that came to Tripli and go, come here. And when I opened for Rogan and San Antonio,

four people came up to me and told me I was better than Rogan. There's people who do that. There's people who come back and go, you're not going to believe this. I opened the Pachode Deas. Four people came up to me and told me I was better than he was. And those people, they disappear. Yeah. Poof, because they can't take it.

What happened to the 1,300 who disagreed with them? That's like a terrible argument. You don't understand. You do not understand. They're a comedian. It's 1,200 people, 4 people who are good. Listen, when you start comedy, you go through minutes. Dog, how many minutes you got trips?

I got 6 and a half. You know, I got 8. I got 19. one day I'm going to put Tripoli on stage and guess what's going to happen Lee's going to come up to me and go you want to do a bump and I'm going to go back to him

do two bumps with Lee I don't forget about Tripoli and Tripoli thought he had 19 and all of a sudden I come out and give him the line of 31 and he's like how long was I up there 31 minutes do you know what happens to Tripoli now when Tripoli comes up to me and he has a decent set at a bar

called the Squiggies you know where it's comedy from 11 to 1 a.m. Yeah. And there's a tequila special shot, you know, after the Laker game. You know what I'm saying? You can see, this is all ego builders. So I say, Trippley, can you do 20?

No, Trippley could do 16, but he'll put me, no, Tripoli could do 13.5 on a fucking good day. That's if he fucking ate right. If he slept eight hours, if he wrote that day, if his girlfriend sucked his dick, I know Trippley could give me 13 and a half strong. But that day, I'm feeling a little. fucked up and Tripoli puts me together. He goes, come on Doug, give me 20. And I give Tripoli 20 and then

Lee comes up to me. It offers me a bump. I go into the bath and I do two bumps. We start talking about fucking Auschwitz and the Jews, fucking Hitler. And all of a sudden I'm like, oh shit, Tripoli's on stage. I forgot to give him the light. If I come out and when Trippley

gets off, if he has a decent set, when Trippley gets off, I'm going to go Trips. That was really fucking good. That was really good. I'm going to give him $5 or $10 for gas. I'm going to go, dog, you did 31 minutes. Tripoli is going to get in his car. He's going to fucking go home.

He's going to get CA's phone number. And he's going to call him in the morning. Excuse me? Who am I speaking with him? This is Sam Tripley. I'm calling you from fucking St. Louis, Missouri. Who's in charge of comedy there? Who's the big dick of comedy?

Every dog. I knew I used to go to bed, coked up with the numbers. I would go on the yellow pages. There was no computer back then. You have to go on the yellow. pages, $4111.1. Comedy store, please.

Mitchie Shaw's number. You know how many times I had the comedy store number before I went to bed written out because I was ready to call him and say, get me on the phone with Paul. I'm going to destroy the room. Do you remember? I don't know how long you've been doing comedy

before you got picked up by the comedy store. I've been doing it for about five years, but it was all bar gigs. So it was like a different animal. And I remember when they gave me a 15-minute set, and I was like, oh, fuck. I got to do 15. And, like, I could kill 10.

And then there was that next five. And I was just like, and now it's like, 15, fuck. Okay, I guess I'll try to work 15. I try to not run the light by too much. And then you would do good 10, but you would try to improvise the last five. So the good 10 you did just got massacred by the last five you did. Then you figure out, let me improvise in the middle, which is really torture because then you lose them completely. Fucking Houdini couldn't bring them back.

You learn all these different, you know, cheats. You just learn how to cheat. When you go on the road in Texas, like those rooms in the South, those guys open up with, how about a round of applause for the troops? Oh, yeah. That's fucking 15 minutes. How about the green berets? How about a round of applause for the birds that flew over this fucking place today?

It's hilarious. They will kill time. How about a big round of applause for the waitress? Let's keep it going for Sandy, Mary, Joey, Tommy, and Leroux. Let's keep it going. I got to say something, man. You know, I've been hearing this story that somebody told me that these

a lot of these comics now at the comedy store and I love everybody, they're picking who they follow. They're meaning they're going up to Adam, they're going, I don't want to follow this guy anymore. And I don't know anything. I've never done that, dude. I've had to file savages since day fucking one.

Please. And the biggest, we were talking today, they were talking about how, you know, someone had to follow Christa this week. weekend. I guess he had this murder set and the staff was like, oh, I feel bad for I ever I have to follow that. And I go, I've followed Christa Lee a ton of that. And that's not hard. I'm like, you

want an education? Followed Joey Diaz in the OR after he just fucking flame through a room. And I've had to do that. And there's a couple guys I know when I see their name after you on the lineup, they conveniently don't show up until they show up right after the

guy who's supposed to follow them is done following you. Last week, you came up. And it was like, you were like nine comics a I was like, oh, fuck. People running, dude. Following Joey Diaz is a motherfucking education. And I'm so crazy. I almost pulled Adam aside and go,

I just want to file Diaz for a while because I just want to get bulletproof. You know what I'm saying? Because when you follow, especially when you fucking super hit. Like you hit or you super hit. And when you super hit, dude, for the first five minutes, everyone's just talking about what they just saw.

It's kind of like when Vince Carter jumped over that fucking seven foot, fucking French asshole and they dunk and everyone's like Oh my God Tramacin's here! Like for the first I read the last time I followed you for the first five minutes

the crowd just heard this They didn't even hear what I had to say Because you had crush so hard With this Caitlin Jenner bit that you've been working on And it crushed so hard For the first five minutes I just was eating A bag of fucking dicks on stage

And I had to address it And then once I addressed it They jumped on board with me But it was literally five minutes I hadn't had that in a while when I first got picked up at the comedy store I used to always have to follow Rogan but this was back when Rogan

thought was doing like hour 15, hour 20 in the OR back when that was something thank God they don't do that anymore you know it's like everyone's kind of cool to everybody you know not that way he wasn't cool but it was just a different time and uh you know so I hadn't had to have that five minutes of just nobody listening no matter what I threw out

I could have thrown out classic Richard Pryor at that moment nobody's getting a laugh at that time and it's just like I've had the foul monsters And literally you are the hardest person, I think, to follow at the comedy store. When you fucking, especially if you're on your A game, it is impossible. It is like stay in the pocket. Just know the first five minutes are just going to be like, what the fuck ever. It is like cheating.

You know, we've been going there. Let's put the cards on the table. Okay. I have been going there since 1997. What is that in years? Okay. Three to two thousand. So I stayed out of it.

years. So I stayed out of there from 2007 to 2014. So that's seven years. But let's be honest, from 97 to 207, from 97 to 2005, she was giving me four spots a week. If I called in coast to coast, Monday through Sunday, with the Sunday host. She was giving me four to five spots. Monday, late, Tuesday. It was amazing. I remember one talent coordinator goes, nobody gets more spots than Diaz. She had me on the thing. So when I go in there,

you know, when you go to high school, you're only playing your gym for four years. When you go to college, you're only playing your college for four years. When you go to the pros, what is the career average? Twelve years? Let's pretend you play,

stay at the same fucking team for 12 years. You play at that stadium for 12 years. Guys, I've been playing at this stadium, literally, literally for, okay, 12 years. And I'm talking about I know every nuk and cranny. I know where to take them. I know how to bounce off the music. You know, you have to do, you know, nobody's figured out the music's the whole thing in the fucking beginning. I'm a cheat.

I'm a cheat. I'm a fucking cheat. I'm not a joke thief. I'm a cheat. That's it. It's a big difference. I'm a cheat. I figure out what the other guy ain't doing,

and that's what you got to do. Why are you going up there dry? Listen, you're not going to follow DeLea. The biggest dick I ate at the store was following Delea in the main room this year. Murder. And I knew as I was walking up. I knew, you know, it doesn't take a fucker.

You just know in a room. So you have to plan it. As it's going on now, you got to go to Plan B. Okay, so he's killing. So you know what? My first five? It's going to be throwaway. I'm going to talk about my day.

Then I'm going to hit him with this, boom, boom, boom. And I'm going to take them into the deep cave. And if that don't work, I did what I had to do, right? That's it. That's how you followed DeLeah, Joe Rogan dog. I had to follow Joe Rogan a couple weeks ago, like three months ago. And I died so hard. But the education made me.

Education, dude. Education made me that next weekend. I don't know where I went. I felt bad for the room. every time I walked out of it was like it was like apocalypse now that was just bodies every murder, dog.

Yeah, because you just went up a level. Yeah. You know, I tell Lee all the time. We've been going to a kettlebell class. How long, Lee? Three or four months now. Three or four months now. Oh, yes.

Lee is picking up 70 pounds. Lee, what did you pick up the first time you went? 10? A 16? Yeah, it's like either 20 or 30 here. What have I been saying to you? If you don't pick it up, you're never going to pick it.

Yeah. Right or wrong. If you, oh, I'll pick it up. Boom, I did it two times. And I put it down, 51 pounds. Wait a second. I just won 51 fucking pounds eight times times 10. 10 times.

10 times 10. Then you go to that next time, a 60-some. We got on it to send us a 60-some and a 70-something gorilla. Oh, they're great. Fucking great. I mean, fucking great. You know, and it's doing the same thing over and over. Education.

It's education, but like, I got to tell you, I feel like a cheater. at the store. Why do you only go to the store once or twice a week? Because listen, I feel like a cheat. And I know that I'm helping the younger guys. The younger guys are getting the same education. I got from Paul Mooney and from Dom Herrera and from the

black guy with the dress. I got from Dites. Eddie Griffin. Yes, the same education. This is the same education. This is the same education. So when I go down there, I look at the lineup, I'm not being I'm not being a scumbag. I know that people go down there from the

podcast and I know that I would hate to go down there and think that Tripoli's going to fucking follow me so I got to Bomb for Tripoli or go up there and fuck around Tripoli wouldn't do that for me and If I found out Tripoli would do that for me I'd stop being his friend. He's got no respect for me as a comic The only way you're gonna get better is by following people who are fucking murder and take a beating Who get with bro Jiu Jitsu kick by I know you go to kickback Yeah, listen you sign your name on something and said,

I'm coming here every Tuesday and Wednesday. That's all I can do. And in your mind, you go home and you get your calendar, and you go, you know what? You see this right here when I'm getting involved in? I'm going to get my... You've got to estimate. The truth is, I'm going to get my ass kick for a year and a half.

On this piece of paper, I'm going to get my ass going on for two years, but I'll tell you the deal I'm going to make with myself. I'm going to go two times a week. And I'm going to... What is today's date? November fucking 16th. Okay, two years from now is the 8.

is 2017, so I'll decide then, and I'll see what it. I like that, too. But if you don't say to yourself, when you get into comedy, I love these people. You know, again, my witness, Triply, Tripp, how many people have you seen coming on? All of them. What about the people that talk to you about money, right? Have you ever had people who, yeah, I can't wait to do it. And you look at them and go, you got into the wrong thing.

Yeah, man. If you wanted to make money, you should have sucked dick. or sell drugs or pimp your girlfriend out. That's if you really want to make money. Yeah. If you come to me and you go, I want to get into Joe Diars,

I could tell when I'm having a conversation. I could tell your passion, to look on your eyes. If you've got a tear in your eye when you're telling me that this fucking hurts, I want to go to Hollywood, it's inmate dog. All I need for them is to see me.

I got 18 good minutes. Listen, what people don't know is a feature acts move to L.A. Everybody's a feature act when they move you, you know? Yeah, yeah. But I see it in people And that's what it is

I tell people all the time How fucking Tripoli please Because I know you're a student of the game Tell these motherfuckers How hard is to drive to the store When you have to follow Joe Rogan Yeah And you know he's doing a Nicole Adam bit

And this one And he's having killer sets And you're driving down there And you're asking yourself Lee, it's like I said you Come to Jiu Jitsu I'm gonna have a 300 pound black belt Just work with you all fucking day

I'm going to get my ass kick. Nobody likes driving to that. It's like me saying you got to drive down to fucking San Diego. I got a guy with a 10-inch dick that's going to fuck in the ass. That's the longest two-hour driver you're fucking life. You're playing for fucking traffic and after this and the

fucking ISIS to blow up the 405. You're praying for all these shit to happen. But it ain't fucking happening. And all of a sudden you pull into the store and your heart's beaten and you walk in and he's on stage and he's fucking murdering at the 8 minute mark. And you go in, you get a fucking

beer, you come out, you're pacing, you're peeping there, you don't even want to hear the fucking laughter because your anxiety is going to kick up, I'm telling you. And next thing you know, you know, now you have a decision to make. They come to you and they go, we just gave them the light. You have decisions.

You got two options. You can run in your fucking car and go home and tell them you how to shit your pants and your mom called and she's having a urinary tract infection and the whole fucking thing. Or you can go on stage at, Lee! Lee, I'm telling you, Lee, you don't know how many times I sat there behind Dom Herrera going,

I could get in my car right now. 100% dude. I already got the Coke in my pocket. Yeah. I already got the gram from Chewy. What do I get about what happened? I would sit there, Domererrera's out there killing with fucking precise material most days. Laser.

Laser material. And I'm there on a Saturday night. The spot was supposed to be 1145. It's 12.20. Yeah. Jesus Lee, you don't know what that fear is. That OR is voodoo, dude. And the reason the OR is why the comedy store is an education where nobody else is, is the comedy store does tag team?

Nobody, there's, dude, I say it's all the time, there is no host to put out that fire. You're walking in, you're going back draft, dog. You got walk into a five o'clock fire and you've got to survive, dude. And I mean, I've seen, I've gone in there, looked in there, and rooms are shaking, dude. Like some of the people, some of the hardest people I've ever had to follow was like, man, Leslie Jones, when that chick is on, dude, it is going to be a, you're going to take a beating that day because she does everything. She's funny. She's got crazy jokes. She's high energy.

She's up there sweating, just sweating to the oldies, you know, with a fucking, she got a dude rag. And dude, then you got to walk up to that. And there's no, like, hey, go up there and do a couple minutes to get, you know, make them forget. the fuck they just watch you gotta go up there and you gotta find a way to get them to listen to you eat that two minutes of them just going see that i think she's in ghostbusters she's so fucking funny and you got to eat that and then you got to get them into your train and thought and it's like i was getting when i got picked up at the comedy store man i was getting bumped you can ask eleanor about this i was getting bumped by andrew dice clay every night for a year he would find me on

the list and he would go i'm gonna go up right before him and he'd try to put me deep every day And I didn't, I at the time I was such a fucking asshole, and I was a knucklehead, and I was a hurt fucking little puppy. I didn't appreciate the education I was getting at that time, and I took it too personal. And, you know, since then we've made up and we're cool, and I really love everything he's doing. I love watching him work. Like watching Dice, I got to see Dice do the nursery rhymes on New Year's one year. One of my favorite things I've ever seen in my life. The guys, but just the education of having a foul.

That fucking animal. And everybody can say what they want about Dice. Shit. He's a monster, dude. That's a fucking monster. That's a fucking monster. Comedy Central, like 91st greatest comic about time. You're fucking nuts, dude.

That guy is a fucking murder. Listen, I used to host on Sundays and the secret. Like I said, I've always been a cheater at the store. You got to learn how to cheat at the store. They pay you $25. You really think I'm going to walk up and down those fucking stairs when I was 318 with a gram in my pocket? 20 times to bring up 20 comics

and 10 to 2. Get the fuck out of here. So I would go up, I would get to 10 o'clock spot. I'd call two people. I'd call dice first. Dice Jardias, I'm hosting tonight. Come on down, I put you up first.

Really? What time? You know what fucking time? 10 o'clock. Okay, I'll be there. Click. If he'd say no, I'd call Rogan. Or I'd call Mooney. Mooney, what are he doing?

No, I'm at the house. Mooney, I'm hosting. Come on down at 10 o'clock. Really? You're going to put me up at 10. 10.01, I'll put you up. I'll be there. Or sometimes say 11. And I'd even, all right, and I'd go to my guys and go, listen, you're going up.

Mooney's coming. And people are pissed. No, you're moving them up. Hey, what do you want me to do? I'm going to do it. Mitchie just called. And I would fucking put them up. But my favorite was Dice.

Mooney I learned from, but in a different way. But Dice taught me how to blow up that room with control. Were you doing it just to kill time, or were you doing it just because you have to see comedians you wanted to watch? I knew that the best comics that came out of the store always hosted. I knew to be really good David Letterman, the dude from America's Funniest Videos. A lot of those dudes hosted. So it was a lot of Andy Garcia used to host on Monday nights in the big room, the improv. The host at the store have always been.

So I always wanted to learn how to host. I always knew that you couldn't learn how to headline unless you, of the host. Everybody wants the headline. How are you going to headline if you can't control the show? The quarterback is the fucking host. Can't get the party started? That's the guy that gets the party started, keeps it alive. If he, listen, you got a good headline of the host, that show is deadly.

The best hosting job I ever seen ever, ever in my life. Dio Hugley, the Black Show on HBO. Def Jam. Def Jam. Towards the end. Hosted. It got a standing ovation as a host. That was always my goal. Never happened. that is impossible to get a standing. He hosted by Premium Blend when I did the stripper in a wheelchair bit, and he came out and it's like half the set was his reaction to my fucking bit, dude.

He was great, man. He's great. Doug, there's just people who know how to control the game. But to learn how to control the game, you got a host. You're at home. The comics are at home going to. Joey, how do I do that? I tell you how you do that.

If you're not working, you're working. So you've got the weekend, dog, because you think you're a heavy. You should be co-headlining, but the town over, Bethesda, whatever fucking hellahole you live next to has a Friday and Saturday, and they got some shitty. Go down there. I'll host for free. Really? I'll cancel the other host, and you can drink and eat for free all weekend. Who gives a fuck?

You're practicing. You're practicing. And everybody wants to host at the store. But if you learn how to host in a bar, God damn, you get good fast. When I started in L.A. in Vegas, that's where I started. we had one open mic every other week. With your boy, Scott Ross. Scott Ross.

Doug stand up and start the scene. Then it was me and Joe Koy, and he was kind of doing his own thing. I was doing my own thing. And we had one open mic every other week. So you'd always hear these stories about New York City Comics getting up like five times night. You got to do it, man. I'm like, fuck, I got to get up every night as much as I can't.

So I would go to bars and I go, hey, man, what's your dead night? And they'd be like, oh, Tuesday, blah. I go, give me Tuesday. You got a stage. I'm going to do an open mic. let's work out a deal i make a little scratch i get some stage time and some free drinks i would just do fucking an hour on stage in between each comic just working out killing hecklers dude and i was born and bred in bars so when i came to l.a i was such a wild child because bars in vegas were nuts

i had to learn how to do play comedy clubs but i had that fearless style just going up there just fucking crazy dude and then i get and then i get the training of the comedy comedy clubs and then i get and then i get the training of the comedy store. So it's like, it's so, it's like very rare that I will walk into a situation. I ain't been in a thousand times before. And just, but just knowing how to handle the situation, if shit ain't going good, be in the moment, talk about what the fuck's going on, how they ain't liking you. And you know what?

I'm not liking them. So why we all just get past that and just like making funny jokes and get them back, it's really amazing when you get out of the monologue and you just start being real with people, how shit changes. and that's what the comedy store forced you to do. You got to be in the moment, dude. That's the other thing. The comedy store teaches you to use your head as a comedy.

It teaches you that, you know what? I have a joke that's topical, okay? But my spot's at 11. They've already heard that joke at times. You got to assume. So I got to throw that out the window, even though it's your best joke right now. You have to throw it. it teaches you how to become really smart.

It teaches you how to go up there and fucking rage. Like, my cheating for the comedy store? Yeah. What are you going to ask me? What's your goal? When I go to the comedy store? Like out of a set, yeah. Okay, when I go to the comedy store, when I perform at a club,

I have two different fucking goals. My goal, when I perform in a club on a weekend, and you're coming to pay and see him is to give you the best show possible. and I take a few chances, but not really. I give you what I've been working on because I want you to just flow and know the fuck I am and get the fuck out of there and laugh.

When I'm at the comedy store, those 18 minutes, if you know as soon as the light gets on, I'm done. I never run the light at the store because there's no need to. I'm like, this is what I am at the store. Okay, and when I go to the store, I got 14 and a half minutes left and I'm down by fucking nine

with two minutes left to go there's seven plays and I got to do six of them I'm going to score we're going to kick off they're going to fumble and then we're going to do three more four years that that's it did you hear what I just said to you

when I go to the store I go to the bar I get water I get fucking worked up I walk by listen to the laughter sometimes check out lines going Check out how I was going. I go in there. I sit in the back.

I smell. My favorite thing is to go up four comics before me and sit in there. And watch the different comics and really laugh. You, Steve Byrne, Sebastian. That guy's a machine. The fucking Italian kid that, no, the other kid. Brett Ernst. Not Brett Ernst.

The other kid that's been going up that kills me. Mike Costa? Mike Costa. Oh, Mike Costa's another guy. Watch him follow you because the same guy. I'm not going to say his name. Didn't show up to follow you. And I knew it was going to happen to me, man.

I go, oh, I saw you, then him, then me. I'm like, oh, that dude ain't going to show up. Sure, she didn't show up. And that was the first time I noticed it was with Mike Kasa. And you were murdering. You were doing your Caitlin Jenner bit, and it was murder. I'm like, oh, man, who's got to follow this? And I look over there's Casa, and he's just walking over.

He's like, someone's got to fucking do it. And you know what? He walked up, and he fucking. He took it. He took it. You have to take it. Here's the secret. You cannot.

There's two secrets. One, in your mind when you go to the store, when you're driving to the store, Lee, I always call Lee, just so you guys know, I always call Lee and tell him I'm going to pick him up in 10 minutes before I tell him he's not going. Do you know why? Because I'm going to war. Okay? I got no time to dilly down.

I don't want to hear about his day. His girlfriend. I don't want to hear about his diet. I don't want to hear about nobody's diet. I don't even put the fucking radio on the way to the comedy store. I don't want to hear nothing about your shoes When do I talk about that song? No, no, no, I'm just saying, you know I love you at that.

You know, I love you at all my heart. I'm just saying, when I drive to the store, down the hill, there's no radio. Yeah. There's no radio. Like that, I'm going to fucking war, okay? Wait, when you're, when you're alone, you don't have the radio on? No, when I go to the store, no, no, no, no, he's in war mode. No, I'm in war mode.

I got no time to talk. I don't want to see nobody. The best. When I fucking get out of that car at the store, when I park, I go, and I open up that fucking car door. I give Doc a hug. I walk into the kitchen. I give the waitress a hug, the bar.

I get a water. I tip him. I walk back there. My mind is at war. War. Like, that's when you were a little kid. You had to fight that dude at three o'clock after school.

That's it. That's where my head is at. I don't want to hear about the weather. I don't want to hear, like, whatever you're saying to me, you could talk to me. But it's really not. Unless you say bomb or $10 million,

you're not going to get through me. Or I got a blonde that's going to lick your asshole. It's not going to happen. Whatever conversation you're having with me when I'm at the store before I go on stage, it's not going to work out for you. What time does that main... What time do you start feeling like that? Like, is it when you get in the car to go to the store,

or is it like at dinner? As I'm getting dressed, as I'm putting my clothes ready. As I'm putting my clothes on the bed, to jump in the shower, as I'm in the shower, all my mind's already going. What are we going to do tonight? What jokes we're going to talk about? No, but I'm also thinking about the new joke.

I'm going to try, which I've got to hide. I got to hide. That's a big thing. That's the thing about the store. You have the opportunity to try a new joke on Tuesday. So I got to figure out where to put it. Where to put it and hide it and how to know how to get myself out of a hole if I go in that fucking hole. Yeah.

So would the difference basically be. at the store you can go crazy because people didn't pay to see you but when people pay to see you have to be a little bit safer That's so interesting because I feel the same way It's like on the road I'm doing my act Because people have come to see me at the comedy store I want to fucking expand dude

I want to expand my shit Like I always try to work on new shit But on the road I'm trying to fucking I'm putting on a show for him And I don't know if sometimes that's backwards Where you're supposed to go on the road work on shit Bring it back to LA Polish But the comedy store

has always been this weird kind of dojo for me where it's like, and even though sometimes I don't know if it's still that, if it's like, I know it's the greatest club on the planet and sometimes I'm just watching everybody just do the same murder set every time but it's like, I like to work on new shit. I love trying to find

a new opening joke. Yeah, you have to hire than that. Now, I know you have to sell tickets but how, what percentage of people do you think are coming to your shows from the podcast, Joey? 60%. Really? Do you think...

Fifteen of people that... From anybody has turned them on. Yeah. You know, 10 from Comedy Central, this is not happening. Five from Locos comedy slams. So that's the point. Don't you think that now that with comedy people are so knowledgeable, that they might even enjoy being like, hey, man, just go for it.

If it goes bad, that... Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Let's talk fucking business here. In 2005, when the longest yard came out, I had great opportunities. I had the guy from APA booking me. At that point, let's be honest, at that point of comedy,

I was doing comedy for 14 fucking years. I was nowhere close of being a fucking headliner. You know why? Why? Because I was fucking around. Because, yeah, I was funny. Listen, you give me a fucking joint and tell me there's going to be a gram of blow afterward,

and me and Tripoli are going to go somewhere, There'll be a few broads there, and some of them suck dick. You know what? I could be fucking funny. I could be cute. I could go up there with my club soda. You know what I'm saying? I could have three bits and stretch it into an hour and ask questions and talk shit.

And take chances. I could take chances. And you know what? It's 50 fucking 50. You know what? Those people are going to go home. I don't give a fuck what people think about society or how it works. You know, Twitter, Facebook, social media.

there's nothing as strong as word of mouth. How do you think Aerosmith fucking got heard? We went over this. You know, it's 1970 fucking five. People saying Aero Smith is strung out on drugs. They're not going to come back. How did you fucking get known in those days? What did you do?

You got in a bus. And you traveled from city to city 18 fucking times. And you rocked and you went in there with different fucking bands. And sometimes your headline, the small bar, but sometimes you go in there with fucking heart and be one of the guys on the fucking, you know, and your word gets out. You're grind.

You know what I had going on in 2005? You know why by 2007 my addiction was the highest that ever was because of all this shit? Because my comedy wasn't working, nothing had happened from the longest yard. And the comedy should have been fucking working. I had been doing it for 13 fucking years. I had done to store for fucking eight years.

How can I be going to these clubs? I went to Atlanta. I went to, at that time, you know, I was laying down on stage, hammered, and fucking Beaumont, I OD'd, I went to Houston, I was drinking on stage. Listen, man, no, no. No, you have to go, I was thinking that that's what Kenneson did. That's what the greats did. They got high and went up on stage and they giggled and yeah, they had a little bit of material, but nothing was really, really worked out. Jesus fucking Christ, I was horrible at 14 fucking years.

There was no stories. It was, it was Rodneyish. It was very Rodneyish, you know, like no point to it. There was no personal life in there. If it was personal, it was something about a sex thing. How did that develop? Lasiness. Lasiness.

A waste of fucking time. A waste of fucking time. But I could do 20 minutes because, of the store. See, the store was my cover. It was always my cheat. Because it's not how many people you kill, it's who you kill. If I go into the store

once a week and I murder that room, the whole fucking town's going to hear it every fucking week. Joey comes in, kills and leaves. That's it. He doesn't even get a drink. He doesn't even say hello. You don't even see it. He didn't get out. He's like a fucking vampire. You're going to play Tony Bennett. You're going to fucking sit there.

Look at you. Fucking high than the guy. Great shaved head. Yeah, he looks beautiful These chocolates are good They're always good I love my That's one of my favorite parts of being here Is how baked you get late

I don't party anymore So I get to live through you And how baked you looked right now You just look great I'm glad to be of service Thank you man Somebody Twice as smart

Oh my God I I forgot about the two stars how do you think I feel Two star Oh you ate two stars I wish you did another one No thank you

Oh man I wish I loved weed I like to go fast Dude They make weed that does that They make weed that makes you feel like you're doing Coke I don't know if it's at much That'd be great

But don't they have like Active weed Active meat? So it's not what you're He's looking for. Tripoli's looking for a kick in the fucking ass is what he's looking for. Looking for the cleaned up, man. I remember you, I remember when you went at the store in the beginning.

You were young. I always liked you. I always liked your trips. And I always tell people this story because it's one of my favorites. I learned from you. Sometimes you just learned from people. The main room, it's like your second week. Mitzie puts you in there.

A bunch of old people. You're up there talking about Chinese people on X-Cas. I'll never forget that. They were staring at you, and you're selling that joke. Like, fuck it. I'm there. And I know you had X in your pocket and God knows what else. And then you had a beef with somebody one night at the bar.

One of the bartenders, you fucking bo-hammed, I walked in. Trips, you got to go. You looked at me, we. And I'm like, oh, this motherfucker's half Indian. He gets crazy when he has a few cocktails. I was nuts, dude. I was nuts. And I was immature, man.

No, no, but that's what's part of, that's what I like to buy you. Listen, man, I don't want a guy that goes in there. You know, sometimes a comic, that was my problem. You know, I had watched too many fucking E-True Hollywood stories, and you watch this Bill Hicks, and you watch this Pride, and you watch this, uh, this, uh, Knessin, and the behavior was great, but that behavior is unacceptable in the comedy world today. Oh, yeah, 100%.

It would get out in a minute. In a minute. You go to a club now and you do eight balls and don't show up. It's too politically correct, the club scene. Nobody. You don't hear about nobody fucking up no more. Like 10 years ago, you heard it every week who was at a club, who fell under a fucking table.

I mean, fuck, 15 years ago, the comedy scene was different. Yeah, and 15 years ago before that, you know, you look at all those pictures of the comedy story. Everybody's got a fucking drink in their hand. Everybody's doing blow off in the main room. You know, I know they still do drugs up there. I don't see it. Yeah.

I don't see the young guys. Nobody tells me about it anymore. No, no. It has nothing to do with you. You don't have the aura. You don't have the aura. Yeah. You know, we went up there.

The aura is all over. You know, it's wide open. You know, how many times did, how many fucking times at the store that people give me shit? How many fucking times at the store did people give me fucking drugs? just to ignite me Like that, you know, a lot of people Have different opinions about that place But some of them, they say it's like the fucking Satan's house

Yeah Like it brings your addictions out I was thinking about a story that I went there one night I used to hook up with this little fucking hot redhead there 15 years ago just on Sunday nights I mean she gave me that shit ecstasy The shit you drink She came up on a water bottle one night

We were drinking it on the stairs She was fucking crazy and so was I. She was the wrong person for me to meet at that time in my life. This is 98, 97. I was basically living in my car. I would hook up with her on Sundays. I'd go over there, do laundry, steal her quarters,

fucking do laundry, fucking eat her ass. We'd do drugs all night. We'd get fucked up on Monday morning. I'd take a good shower because I knew I was back out on my own again. Back to fucking curse on in the car, taking showers at Ralphie. Yeah. And this went on And then I didn't see her

And she went on to do heroin Bro, she had a tremendous medicine closet You know Let's say I don't know I was 36 She took me to a Janet Jackson concert This chick liked me

And I liked her But I knew that she was crazy I knew she was dating other dudes You know what I'm saying I knew when I went over there The phone rang the night I was You know it was always drama But I didn't

I was very happy just to be with her I hadn't seen it in a while and then she started calling me and one night I'm at the fucking store and I had Marilyn Martinez God bless her so she just it was eight weeks, eight years last week Oh my God really? It's been that long?

November 3rd was eight years I stopped doing blow That right around there The 7th to 5th 8 years I have not touched cocaine Eight years right around Maryland Death Marilyn was holding eight balls from

I was doing this fucking scam And I didn't want to Coke in my house. And that was the way I was going to pay for something. That was my insurance. Every time I made a deal, I would take five grams on, and I'd keep two and a half, and I'd give Maryland a rock eight ball. And I go, Maryland didn't do it.

So I gave Maryland like 10 of these fucking packages, like, over about a three-week period. As like a Coke Savings Bank? Like a, yeah, it's a whole, right? To hold, like, 10-8-Borg. And one night, you know, you just get this fucking, Wild feeling. At this time, I'm living on Gavin's couch.

And I thought about taking the Coke to El Compadre and selling it on a Sunday night. Like, just nobody's ever there on Sundays. Let me go get, you know, if I get 200 a package, five of those packages, and I'll do the other ones, you know. And I called Marilyn that Saturday night. And I go, Marilyn, do me a favor. Bring that shit to me.

She's like, really? I go, yeah, bring it, bring it over. She came back. It was a manila fucking envelope filled with eight balls. I took it I took it on the trunk And I put it in Gentry's car Gentry used to lend me her car

Back then And I put it in the trunk of a car And I went to Gavons But no Before I went to Gavins I was doing fine that night I was not snort and blow Again I repeat

I was not snort and blow I knew that What was in that trunk Would kill me And I wouldn't stop I would not fucking stop Do you know I go on stage At the store

You know Saturday night 1145, full house, fucking level the room with stupid fucking jokes. As I'm walking out, I used to do a lot of cocaine jokes in those days. As I'm walking out, some guy comes up and put something in my hand. I look at it, and it's a baggie, and there's maybe two lines in there.

A little taste. In those days, I could do a line, trick a soda, eat something, and go to sleep. Good. That's how high I had the Coke. in those days I could do a little line of Coke and a little jizzed-dub jerk off real fucking good come all over my leg

I would go in the living room fucking make a sandwich eat it drink a soda and smoke like two cigarettes I'm done after that whack off in the turkey sandwich I'm going to bet whack off in the turkey sandwich dog as I was snorting it it started burning my nose

like a motherfucker I'm like this is speed and I went home I couldn't stop jerking her off I jerked off like 18 times And all of a sudden, about five in the morning. I was just thinking about this day out there. About five in the morning, the fucking page it goes off. I'm in my tent jerk off.

The fucking pageer goes off. And who do you think it is? The fucking redhead. Oh, my fucking God. I called her back. She's like, what are you doing? Where are you? I go to McGavin.

She goes, I'm picking you right up. Fucking 10 minutes and a pound. I get in the car. I don't know where this bitch went at 6 in the morning. She got two bottles of vodka. in a case of Starbucks coffees, those think coffees. Yeah. And we went back to a house by the Directors Guild.

Yeah. And we started snorting. Next thing you know, I took the 10 packages. I took the 10 packages out. I went over there with fucking 20 fucking grams, 30 fucking grams of blow. Sunday morning at 6 a.m. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Now, she had a sink, and over the sink there was a cabinet. In that cabinet, I swear to fucking my daughter, see, that woman had everything. Like when I would go over there on Sundays and spend the night in the morning, she'd go, do you need anything for the week? And I go, what do you got? Well, I have these cannabans, and I have this, I have a little MDMA. She just gave me a bag of goodies.

I leave there with three sleeping pills, tumourals. If you only want to sleep three hours, I have these. If you want to sleep 10 hours, I have these. Oh, my God. If you're going international. She's like a voodoo doctor. Oh, the dog. This chick was on. She was tapped into that whole thing.

That's women. And then she would disappear for 15 minutes, because she thought, you know, she thought like Joey fell off a fucking banana truck. She told me she disappeared. She disappeared for 20 minutes, bro. And then she'd come back with a nod with a fucking lingerie on. And she'd do a crazy dance from me.

I'd have to sit there all coaked up and put on with a... Listen, when you're cooked up, ladies, I've got advice for you. If a guy's coked up and you're with him, he don't want to see you dance. All he wants to see you do is suck his dick, right? When you're sitting there all cooked up and you think there's something on the other side of the fucking wall, You know what?

If this goes down, I want my dick suck. I don't want some girl dancing for me. Oh, my God. And she starts dancing. And we end, triple, you know me a long time. I would empty the package and cut it into like five lines. We were at that point, like by one o'clock in the afternoon. Each April.

My heart was beaten. We put dirty movies on in three different rooms. I mean, we were smoking cigarettes. It was fucking hard. Awesome. This story makes me. We want to go take a shit right now. Oh, my heart.

This started on Sunday. It went all the way to Monday. Oh, man. We fell asleep Monday afternoon and Tuesday. I had somebody pick me up. But here's the moral story. Thursday, I was still barfing from all the volume she gave me. Oh, my God.

Everything she had, we ate. Like, we ate every hour. She came back with a different fucking pill. And I remember driving and being at a light, like Uncle Wenger in Hollywood. And all of a sudden, I felt the puke. coming up two days later and also i went to cover my mouth and the pew came out and i had fingers open and it just squirred in different directions and one of them squirred it up oh my god one of them squirted it up and as i'm driving it kept squirting on my roof and i had a wipe it oh god it was horrible

that was the last bender oh really that bender with somebody that i went on like after that i never called that crazy bitch back she called me years later after that And she goes, how are you doing? And I was going to New York to do, analyze that. That was big for me. Yeah. And I was at the store. And she called and she goes, I'm at Denny's.

Remember when Denny's was on sunset next to, now? What's at Denny's? The Jewish place, the Israeli place. Oh, Aroma. Aroma. Before Aroma, there was something else before. And that Denny's guys. Shady.

That was the real deal. if you walked in there at three o'clock oh my fucking god so i go she goes i'm at denny's come meet me i go to denny's dog and that was it she had the bags on the eyes she was nodding she had bruises on her legs she had a skirt on she looked like fucking that her hair had been pulled for like three months and this was a beautiful fucking girl heroin you think It was heroin. And then we started talking. She's like, I would love you to finger me here.

And I was like, are you fucking... I mean, she was gone. Gone. And listen, don't get me wrong. Anybody else... I was just had... I just wanted to go to New York and shoot this fucking movie.

I didn't want to do blow. Right, right, right. I knew just getting involved. Like, if I finger it, it was all... I was going to miss this flight. Yeah. And I'm like, this is the last thing I needed. And then I never saw her again.

And guess what, guys? Boom. I saw on a fucking commercial for a plus size. Then I saw another commercial for something. recently? No, this is like, because I hadn't seen her. This went down in 97, the drug fucking overdose at the house. And then that thing would analyze that had to be 2003. And when I popped the long issue, 2005, she started popping up in commercials. And then I bumped into a one day at the thing on Fairfax and sunset. What's that grocery store there? We're talking about.

No, no, no, no, no, no, right on Fairfax. On the corner there, they got that fucking Whole Foods or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. High level. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I bumped into a fucking there. Trader Joe's? No, no, no, it's a smaller one.

It's either one of those. It's a tiny, it's for fucking Ritzy people. Yeah. But Fabeman used to live down the corner, so he used to go there for lunch. And I went over there, and that's when I see it. And she goes, yeah, I'm kicking ass with whatever. I got off the heroin. She goes, the guy who was dating robbed me and gave me hepatitis and shit.

and fucking VD and they found me on the corner almost dead. It was horrible. Oh my God. And I go that night I saw you, what were you on? And she goes when the last time I saw you was that three fucking day bent you never called after that

I go, you know, I didn't mind going deep in those days. That was just too deep. Oh yeah. And every time I saw over the six or seven months we got deeper and deeper and deeper. Then one night she just took me too fucking deep and that's it. Nobody makes me do 25 grams of fucking blow

overnight. That's crazy dude. I used to party a lot too man. I was telling my friend the other day, I remember one time because sometimes when you're doing, you're in your blow phase, you forget where you got to be the next day and I was doing a ton of fucking blow dude. And then I got a call from Paul Hughes. He's like, hey man, are you ready?

He goes, we got that fucking charity event today. I'm like, oh, fuck. It was I had to do a police? LAPD charity event to keep kids in the inner city off of drugs And I was fucking coked out of my goddamn skull, dude A little bit of coke, a little bit of speed, and I was jacked And I remember showing up and going, oh dude, just don't sweat too much Because everybody here is a fucking cop, man

And I went up there and like the worst thing, the hardest part about doing that that That gig was like not only do I have to probably not be on drugs, but I also have to do work somewhat clean and not offend anybody, and that's the worst thing because they were doing stuff about one guy goes, you know, let's give it up for Officer Garcia, one of the best Mexican police.

I'm not Mexican, dude, I'm Puerto Rican. And they were like, they were getting in fighting on who was like Puerto Rican versus, so they were like super fucking, you know, sensitive, dude. I'm like, oh man, I had to do 50 minutes. I did like 10, survived, and then they wanted to take

pictures with me after. And I'm like, oh, you're fucking killing me, right? So I'm like, okay, I'm taking pictures, and I'm just like, just fucking whacked out of my skull, and everything's going good. And then I see a cop go, like, kind of give me that look like, hey, what's going out of this guy? I'm like, later. And I just fucking wham out the door, and I got away.

But it was the craziest fucking shit ever. Just me coked out of my skull doing jokes to cops for children. It was fucking nuts. That's the place I would put myself. no idea how I lasted 10 years in this town doing the blow I was doing. And I could lie to everybody and tell you, well, my cocaine habit. My cocaine habit went on. I came down here from Seattle.

I think I did well for about a month. Then they told me the doorman sold blow when I got a package here, a package there. Then I got that Taco Bell commercial. I got that check for like 1900, the first one. 1900 when you get here as your first check, 1900 was a million dollars to me at that time. And then I made $80,000 in four or five months. I was going out and picking up, whatever.

Like a gram and a half, two grams. Like, I remember living in the hotel as the hostel now. Yeah. When it was a hotel and you were only allowed to live in there for three weeks and then you had to move out for a week. I was just telling the story on Crappies. I used to live there too. Oh, my God.

You have no idea the things that happened to me. Where would you go for that other week? You'd have to go to another hostel. No, you'd have to go up to, they had another hotel around the corner. Because you could only stay for three weeks, so you didn't get renters and rights. So they'd always make you keep moving. So I would usually go on the road or I never had to go to the other one. The other one was where is the pizza places now.

There's a pizza place on Coenga, and I forget that street up there. It's kind of a dirty street. There's Wilcox. There was one of Wilcox. There's one right over there that's now the hostel. Then there was one kind of right near where Capitol Records is, right across the street up a little bit. There was one right there.

No, no. And I used to, I got banned from there. You know why? I told the story on the crap piece is that when I first moved there, me and Scott Ross were living together. Scott didn't have enough money at the time to go get an apartment. So we were saved the money I'd saved in Vegas to get an apartment. He was just trying to make a little money at Starbucks.

We were literally living off him ripping off Starbucks and eating 29-cent hamburgers from McDonald's at the time because they were having that big like, 50 years ago deal, 29-cent. We would live off that. We'd buy like 30 hamburgers and we'd eat that for the rest of the week because we were so fucking broke, right? So he would work at Starbucks. I was trying to find a job. So we'd stay in this hotel and he would go out and do stand-up and I would try to do stand-up too. He was a little farther ahead at that time. So it was late night.

It was so hot in these weeklies that I would leave my hotel room just to walk around Hollywood Boulevard, just to walk around. And I did it like for two weeks straight. I'd always leave my hotel. Well, one week I'm sleeping. I get a knock on the fucking door. It's the manager. He's like, you got to fucking go, dude. I go what?

And he's got these two fucking giant black guys with him. Too huge. Yeah, they were crazy. They're fucking. He's like, you got to go. I go, why? He goes, I don't have to tell you why. I go, dude.

I'll go, but what did I do? He goes, motherfucker, you're leaving here every night. We know you're a fucking hooker, dude. You're a gay hooker. We know you're hooking. You're selling your ass, and we don't let that shit happen here at this fucking place. I got kicked out of my place because they thought

I was a gay hooker. So they throw all my shit out into my car. I drive to Starbucks. What was their evidence? Because I was just leaving the house. That was what they took as a sign of gay hooker. and I go and I tell Scott Ross,

Christian Slater just staring at me as I'm fucking bawling that I just got kicked out of a weekly because they thought I was a gay hooker. No, don't. Listen, again, every time I think of that creepy hotel because it was creepy when I was there,

they redid it now, it's the hostel. What were the rooms like? Like, if you're living in a hotel. The worst one was, this room was a room this big. It had a double bed that fucking squeaked. The leg was broken.

There was no mice or no rats, none. There was a hot plate, a little refrigerator, a TV. There was a table, a chair, and like a little couch. And then the bathroom was horrific. It was just a little fucking shower. It was clean. It wasn't bad. I forget what it was.

At 1-0 something, a week or something, it wasn't bad. You didn't have to share the shower, which I like. I lived in San Francisco where you had to share a bathroom and a shower. You have to stop in the middle of the night and go on the hallway and take it. a shower. I was living with a girl. I got to go with it. I don't want nobody knocking on the door. Then somebody burglarizes your apartment. You got to watch your door at the fucking shower. You know, that's what people are waiting for. If you're going to shower and they go and see if you love your door open. Boom, it's open fucking season. I lived off that shit for fucking years.

It was a shower dwelling. What do you mean they mean you? You would wait for people to do that. Oh, fuck you. San Francisco like a motherfucker. There was a bookmaker. I got his keys. He'd take like an hour. I used to get his keys and made the fucking copy and put him back. And then I robbed him every week. those slips. I was fucking nuts. Look at Lee. Lee, what's up over there, Cocksucker? Just fucking high. Yeah,

that's great. Let me give some shoutouts. You know, I didn't bring my glasses, so I might say your name wrong. Gino, Jackabelle, and the fucking crew from Hoboken. Thank you for bringing me the cheese. I brought it back with me. They brought me some fresh mozzarella from Hoboken

and a big pie and some wine. I drank a bottle of wine. I gave the other wine to the staff, the fucking pizza I shared with the staff, with the moots I brought back with me and I made a tremendous sandwich yesterday. So I give you my heart, Gino. I love you. Thank you for doing that. Andrew Norddow.

I love you, cocksucker. You're a savage. Pat Shea. Kick an ass with the podcast. Christian, thank you for the chicken cutlets. Sean Taff. Thank you for the time, my brother. Joe Kenyon, I'm sorry that I could.

I was confused. Joe Kenyon showed up Thursday night and I knew I knew him with the long hair and he had the patch, but I couldn't put it together until I got back to my hotel, but you know I love you Cocksucker. That Troy Christian Yeah, this is. Jagged Hips.

Fuck. Dead Squad Nashville and the other Death Squad chapters. Oh, they're all good, man. Brendan A. And Chandler Riley, I love you, Coxuckers. Something fucking funny happened this weekend. Tell me, I got to talk to you guys about it because it was a from comedy.

Fucking, I went back, I did the stress factor. You ever do the stress factor? No, I've never done. Who runs away. Nice little club. Good crowds, crazy. They try to be politically correct. You got to school them up front,

and then you can take them where you want to. Great, great fucking audiences this weekend. But you know, man, you come out here and you do this, you do that. You know, my ego is in check. You know, I'm very happy. I love Lee. I love you. you guys. I don't have to be at the store every night anymore, fighting, you know, trying to talk

shit and listening to fucking people telling me my job of the fucking Stips waiting for a spot. Remember, there used to be a lot more creepy people 10 years ago that didn't have a spot. There were comics and they got spots, but they didn't get spots and they still go up there and they'd be lurking the list and go home, go somewhere else, you know? Yeah, I don't get that. You know, I've been very fortunate, but I didn't realize. how fortunate I was till this weekend when I went to Jersey. And, you know, 80 of my friends came out.

And I'm looking at these guys. And I'm like, these guys don't want nothing from me. These are the ones that the girl that used to forge my report cards and I got left back on the seventh grade and I was retarded. She showed up with her sister. You know, Chuck McGrane showed up. The fireman, Anthony O'Villow showed up. I grew up at these guys' houses.

I mean, literally, since the time I'm 15. We were talking about I drank punch in this house one time With bees in it I had bees and he goes You know I told you there was a shoe in there too We just threw a shoe in this boat You know Fokaracha

The kid who drove me to Pink Floyd We went to Pink Floyd And lit the balloons What's his name Fokaracha Joe Fokaracha I saw that on Twitter You were like Satan was there Like oh shit

Satan was there It was fucking amazing man Fokaracha This girl was there Marjorie Who I swaps a bit with On my fucking stairs in the seventh grade

one time you know we had a crush she was a cheerleader and then whatever she grew up and I grew up and she told me something at the end of the show she came we were eating

like we were told the guy brought Gino brought pizza and she took a slice of pizza and she goes do you remember when I drove down the shore to watch you open for people

I opened for this dude once down in rascals and I walk off stage and I have another show on Friday and the dog guy goes there's some people here to see you I go what he goes I swear a gun go to the bar there's two women three women there to see I go in it's why aren't you with two of her friends they were like you were great that was fucking great you made me so proud Jesus Christ what are you doing here you know what I'm saying but here she is I got to tell you

this had to be 2000 2001 here she is 13 years later and she told me She goes, Coco, what didn't I go? She goes, I went to that horrible show in New York. Did I ever tell you guys if I did the one-man show in New York? Oh, my God. And I taped it, and I sent it out, and I never got that one bite from it.

Video or audio? Video and audio. Do you still have it? I lit that thing on fire. Oh, man. Let me tell you what happened. Let me tell you what happened. No, no, no.

I don't like none of that stuff. When I moved from Hollywood up here, I had 200 CDs, you know, VHS tracks, and you got to figure out what the fuck to do with them. So you have to put them in and see what's on them. I fucking found it. And guys, listen, I cry, easy. But this, oh my God, I cried a horrible tear. I couldn't believe how fucking bad I was.

but I didn't think I was good At that time I was chasing an envelope You know it wasn't until I stopped chasing an envelope That comedy was what I loved And then I got good at it It was 98, 99 Josh Wolfe had just gotten a half a million dollar

fucking deal For doing a one man show one time One time at a workspace One fucking time You got half a million deal Half a million dollar deal That guy's gold Two times

from one fucking story, one night, never done again. And it was all moves, all mind games. One guy made an offer, since it was hot, somebody else made an offer, since it was hot, somebody else made an offer, and all of a sudden, boom, you had somebody just said, what's the offer here? What do we need to do? Here, boom, that's the envelope, we're fucking right.

We're developing it, we're doing this and this and this. It was fucking amazing. That was when, and then everybody started doing one. mad shows. Oh, yeah. And I had an idea, and the intermission was big of your respect. Oh, my God. And it was that, like, one of the workspaces in the village and all my friends were, it seated like 189 people went, you know how much money I made guys. I fucking nothing. They gave you nothing. It was a workspace. They swallowed the 25 fucking bucks. Not a dime that I fucking get. Not a, not even a fucking thank you. I took the people from HBO.

were going to be there. Oh, God's. Nothing. Then I did it again here. I know, what is it? Don't they have one here? The HBO workspace, they used to on the... Yeah, yeah.

It's on Santa Monica. Santa Monica. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where I did the first ever naughty show. Did you really? Yeah, I was the first one to sell out that little room. I couldn't believe it like no one's ever packed it like this. Packed it out.

No booze, right? Booze, like, they have like beer or... The naughty show, we did great shit. We did hitting camera stuff. I did something where I went door-to-door, knocking on people's doors telling them I was a registered sex offender and I was moving into the neighborhood.

I still haven't understood but you know I still can't understand why a lot of shows are even fucking made Triply Ari and I had this discussion once about here that one day I

Tripp I don't know nothing about pornography okay I'm a 52 year old guy that if a porn girl walked in here. I would know it. She is. I do not go to strip clubs. I am not current at all. How many times have I driven?

How many times have I gone to the store? How many times have I driven past that strip club? The one right down. Seven Vale? Crazy girls? No, the one closest to the store. Oh, yeah, yeah. I forget the name. The one that they lit on fire. Jewish lightning and they found the fucking signal. Jew lightning a week during the hall, during Passover, 10 years ago.

Okay, you have that. I've never been to none of those. The seventh veil. When the girl I moved to L.A. with was a stripper, the one on Los Angeles, oh, I know. Down by cross street from the... Yes, down there.

She danced down there. There's a fuck a chick out there. It was so great. I just drive up in the break. Yeah, she'd come out by fuck her in my car. That's a crazy strip club. That's a... That's where I saw Chris Farley.

Like three weeks, maybe a month before he died. Fucking Gills. ill to the co-top. And at that place, they have it. You can't even do a lap dance. You have to do a lap dance five feet away. He was just drawing money out of it. He was sweating profusiously.

It was fucking horrific. But the moral of the story is, and I'm sorry to fucking take you that, was just seeing these people, what they meant to me. Like, I'm not the type of person that does shit for people. Like, you know, you always hear

kids that, well, I got in the, you into the car painting business because you were a car painter. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't imagine doing that. But I guess part of the fucking thing for me when I got into comedy was

I didn't want to leave a loser. Like I left there a fucking loser. Like just fucking total. I mean, guys, no. There was nothing. I didn't leave there with, nobody would have said, hey, listen, I'm about $1,000

that guy lives in five more years. Right. I wasn't fat. I was in shape. but there was no way I left there. I left there with no dignity whatsoever. In 85, when I left there, no dignity. What a different time.

Then I went back in 91, and some people had forgotten, but people were like, just stay away from it. So they stood away from me. Here I am 30-something years old, working at a sandwich shop and a fucking delivery boy, doing comedy in the city, fucking driving a limo at night, like, oh, my God. And all the people I went to high school would go to this.

deli and they'd see me fucking wrapping sandwiches and shit and I'm like I really got to do something with my fucking life this is it this is it I'm 30-something years old faxing fucking menus to fucking businesses and I'm doing okay people would fucking die if they knew what I was doing that delivery business you know I would go in there at 10 and walk out of two I'm walking out of there by a yard and a half cash nobody knew about it and now I'm heading to another fucking gig, you know, and I'm snorting, I'm going into the city, I'm picking up grams for Tripoli, I'm picking them up at 25, I'm giving him

to Trippley for fucking 50 and he's buying three a day. Come on, I'm living like a fucking doctor. I was passing around sales packages. He was giving me four bills a week. He was giving me fucking 10 sales packages, drop him or whatever you want to do. Three days.

I dropped off 10 sales packages. He gave me four bills on Friday. I was a fucking cash register. Just fucking work. And nobody do nothing. Everything was all fucking cash. It was, oh my God. And here I'm trying to do comedy, and I'm sucking Sam Tripley. And every day

I go to that sandwich shop, people come in, Hey, man, so I hear you're a stand-up. How's it going? Like, you know, people are just shitting on me every day. Do you do Caroline? No, not really. Oh, really? Do you know who this guy is? You know who Sam Trippley is? No, not really. You know what you feel like? You feel like a fucking

I had already done prison time, and here I am back in my hometown. fucking making sandwiches. And I remember going, after 10 months, going, well, I don't want to fucking keep making sandwiches. But if I go to Colorado, I really got to dive into this fucking comedy game and play it for keeps.

And I fucking committed to it. And here we fucking are, Sammy Trips, you know. And you're killing the game since the beginning. I'm not killing the game from the beginning. We all know, Doug. I'm an old dog. I'm like, I just revealed tonight on the podcast. When I go to the comedy store,

it's like somebody doing steroids. I know every nook and cranny. I've done so much. Yeah, dude, some of the hardest sets. I remember before you left, and I was just starting to really get my groove, man. I was starting to like, okay, I'm getting comedy right now. I'm starting to get it. And I followed you one day, man.

And it was so bad. It sticks out my mind as a top. There's been probably two bombs I've had in there that were so bad. They stayed with. Those marks will stay with me for the rest of my life. One was following Lisa Lampinelli Late night and the other one was following you I remember following you and Matt

You just went up, you gave me a good intro And I go up there and I'm just throwing What I thought were classics at that time Not really having any kind of tools To deal with the situation Just throwing fucking punch lines Into an abyss Of like nobody reacting

I mean flatlining for 15 minutes And I remember running out to my car And just sitting there going Man I what am I doing in this fucking business man I've been doing this for at the time eight years I thought I should have been somewhere by now and you know I'd had a little fucking bumps in my career some some negative bumps in my career and I was just like maybe this isn't for me man education dude education if you're not if you don't look back and you don't have 15 to 20

not bombs but embarrassing detonations just fucking where it's something it's just I you cannot put your finger on if it's your shirt the way you look maybe your ego your shirt it would be that that would be the reason dude it could be anything yeah how you walk up what kind of beer you have in your hand how you're holding your beer does it reflect I mean there's so many little things what do people say what how long does it take for people to judge you 10 8 seconds 32 seconds whatever the fuck I've had people tell me that after my second they said I didn't want to like you

when you walked up I'm like why it's a stand-up club it's not a police line up you're not picking who fucking raped you I'm telling jokes here man why wouldn't you want to like me but that's just the thing I talk about on stage I have a very dark look on stage

you know I don't walk up I'm not wacky funny telling ha-has you know what I'm saying spitting ha-ha's at the kids I'm fucking up there I'm walking up there looking like a fat vampire fucking people wondering what's going on? Look at the shape of Lee

Doug. That's what's going on right there, Sammy Trips. Look at the shape of this fucking dude. He's in the deep, deep, deep, deep abyss today. Sammy Trips, let me tell you something. There was a couple times I had a follow

Mooney, which was a fucking disaster. There was a couple times, Dom Herrera. which at the time he didn't like me so he'd go a little harder you know what I'm saying oh yeah he didn't like me at first either oh my god he didn't like none of us guys when he first got to the store oh he used to he gave me a shitty intro yeah yeah yeah he used to do while Willie Parsons used to give me shitty intros but uh there was one bomb that I went home and really I said that's it just has to call the day improv I was I got sandwich in between

Nick DePaulo and Doug Stanhope had to follow him. Oh, wow. And the host was horrific. And Nick, you know. Just teeing off. This is 2000. This is 99 Nick. Just at his fucking machine writing brilliance.

And before he went up, somebody else went up in that caliber. I can't, I don't remember who. I'm not going to say him, make up a name. But it was somebody in his caliber. And then I went up. And I died. Stan Holman up and took it to a different level and part of it was goofing on me. And I wasn't mad at St.

Hoffa goofing on me, not at all. I was mad at myself because I got sucked into it. And I stopped at the time, I was living in my car and I would go to the store and snort till four and then go to... I would go to... We got sleeping Buddha over here. I would go to... I would go to... I would go to...

I would go to Ivar. If everybody would leave me at the store, I would go to Ivar, and I'd park an Ivar in front of a business down the corner from that restaurant, and I'd fucking sleep there until five, and then I'd go inside and I sell screws and nuts and bolts on the phone. But they had a fucking 1-800 number. So I got all the comedy club numbers, and I would fax everybody in my schedules every week.

Just kept doing it, kept doing it. Schedules of what? Just made up. schedules from November of 98 to to fucking March of 99 this is what I got you know and I would write on a calendar and mail it to my friends did I know about you did that you had to do that in those days that was before the computer craze really came in yeah then there was a 99 there was people that you emailed and they will email you

back yeah what bookings email I'm never gonna fucking come like I stayed away from emails and you shit fuck you but you had a fax so now I had access I would have to fax other people and then I throw my faxes in between. Jesus Christ, how many fucking faxes do you send that? Oh, it costs money, right? Yeah, in those days it cost money so I used to just fax my schedules to people.

And brother, little by little people started calling and I started filling in weeks. El Paso, uh, comments, that's what I do now, dude. People started fucking hit me up. And that's how I got on the road in the beginning. Little by little, I was selling screws on the phone, 2,300

a week. Before that, I was selling investment packages to some fucking movie and toys with organs on vine where chewy used to live in that same building where is chewy he living in that building probably but in that building there was a dude from Knott's Landing and he was the office manager and there was three of us or four of us

and you had to be there at 12 12 to 4 Oh Jesus Christ right in the middle of the fucking thing I got to pee too but I'm holding it That's perfect because we'll do the fuck hold on You gotta take a key If not you'll just stand there Falls are going crazy. He go right here.

Jesus Christ, Teague. You're the best, dude. All right, let's fucking end this thing. Lisa. Look, he fucking leaves the door open. What are your fucking poor? Jesus Christ, Almighty.

We did the best fucking we can't. I'm happy you people tagged in. I hope you like the fucking curtains. It's a whole new look for Mr. Flavor here. Let's start with the fucking host of the year. I love these people. You know, today I went to fucking jiu-jitsu. And in the middle of my thing,

I'm thinking about how maybe this fucking shroom tech's a little too much, man. It's strong. It makes me fucking breathe too much. Isn't that good? They always tell you to breathe. But sometimes it just makes me breed too fucking much. Like, I'm going to cut it down to one pill.

But I know it works. And that's what I'm trying to say here. That's good. Shroom tech is a great fucking product. Shroom tech sport. Shroom tech immune. I took a five-hour flight. I took 10 of them before I got on the flight.

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You know, me and you were fucking straight. You bailed me on this special. You came out. Do me a favor. Sam Tripley, like I was about to tell him, before he fucking ruled the interrupted and got up. like this. Oh, snaps!

Let me explain something. I was going to explode. I tried. You got to be a gentleman. You got to go, hold on. Can I interrupt before? You got up like fucking somebody shot you. Who shot you?

I remember one day I was talking to Ari. And I went somewhere and I saw him doing the naughty show. And like I said, I don't know about strippers. I don't know about fucking porno people. You know what? If I got to be honest with you, when I'm around porn old people, my skin fucking, I feel itchy.

So, you know, so I looked in there. I looked at you on stage, dog, and I got to tell you, I told Ari this exactly. I go, you know, when you watch Tripoli doing this naughty show, it's a shame because one, when he's on stage, I could, if I could tube it and say to him, there's a chick back there and want to lick your ass or get off stage right now, if you're having a good time, you won't do nothing. And you were made for that show. Like, you pick your genre. That's it. It's your show. The thing that shames me is that, it's.

It should be on once a week on Showtime for 13 weeks with different comic, different girls, a female host. They got all this other perversion on. We might as well put that on 11 o'clock Thursday night, 12 o'clock 1 a.m. Who gives a fuck? Just something completely different. Nobody sold it. I know you were doing something with comedy, whatever. It's just so weird.

The shit that matters that should be on TV with all the channels we have. You know, right now there's got to be FM. XXX, which will show Titties after one. Yeah. I'll live with titties in a bikini. If they let Sam host and tell his fucking jokes and fuck-gold, dresses up like a bunny and does catapults out of a fucking can.

You know, something completely different. Stand up with a circus. I would love to see something like that. A fucking zoom. I try, dude. I'm still trying. Why don't you just stream it on a porn site? Well, no, I'm trying to. You're like porn hub to stream it. Because it's, you know, I think it's just

more that I think porn stars are just a small part of this really big circus it wasn't a show that had porn stars it wasn't porn show but no but I know it's not a porn show but porn hub is one of the biggest sites in the world and I think when you put it on a porn site they just want to see girls get fucked I want people to come and be like you know I I mean I'm not against it but I just want to you know it was meant to be where people could get do real shit and have fun and we used to pack it out we did it like for six years live and it was fun but now I want to street it somewhere and I'm just looking for the right place

to stream it and you know there's a bit a billion knockoffs of it. The funniest part about the naughty show is everybody thinks they do the naughty show without me. They've tried it their hardest. They completely like just, they don't take me into account and it's like that's what I do. I'm really

good in the fucking moment man and so we're working out. I like to live stream it or do it on pay-per-view. That's kind of my goal. I'm just trying to find the right place that will let the people will come up and let me shoot that fucking shit. You know, for years you Bump, wait, can I get a water? You have an extra water?

Yeah, man. For years, you bump into people, and they develop this and develop that, and they sell you their idea, and you smile, and you wish them luck, and, you know, you go home

and take a shower. Your concept, till this day, you should make some more fucking noise. Like, I don't make enough noise in the goddamn podcast. You know, that was a bomb. You don't want to get up right now?

So high right now. You should have got a hammered hit it through a fucking wall. Why don't you do that? Such a great television. You, you know, you say to yourself, this show, Showtime's got

nine different channels. You know what I'm saying? Nine different channels. There's a show on HBO that I found fucking amazing. I do not like porn. I don't like nothing about it.

I can't watch it. I'll jerk off from memory. Yeah, I do that. to highlight reels. A chick shows me a tit. You guys can do it just for memory? I jerk out from it. I do my highlight reel.

Oh my God. But there's a girl on HBO or showtime that has a show when she comes on and she sits on a stool completely naked. Porn star? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's completely naked. Real cute. Looks, sounds, acts just like Felicia Michaels. First time I saw that by mistake in a hotel room. I'm like, is that fucking Felicia?

You know, she's squeaky, really cute, fucking tremendous body. And she sits there and talks about the blowjob in 1882 and how they fucking did this and they did that and they did this. And it's, I got to tell you, I fucking hate all that shit. And she holds me. You know why she holds me? She's cute. She's her. She's not trying to be anybody.

She's a fucking dip shit. And then she goes back to her own movies. This is me when I first started with no tits. and you see the guy fucking and she's yelling with a fucking mask on. It's a fucking interesting show. She talks about her clit, and then she talks about other women's clits, and there's not four women going,

and they're faking, and all four of them are getting more and more fatter every fucking week. It's just her, and she always looks good. I don't know if the shows are old. I don't know if they're new. I don't know if they just... I forget the name by... Why can't Sam's Triply Circus from fucking Nauty Show come on, a naughty show. I don't know, man.

I'm not at disrespect you. I'm just saying when I saw it, to me, it was a fucking circus of funniness. It was something that I hadn't seen. It was like, I don't know. It was at the improv. Yeah, I did the W recently. I put 200 people in there.

People love the show, dude. It's a great show. Oh, yeah, sorry about that. It's a great show. And, you know, I'm with you, dude. I think about that all the time. Like, why didn't I do this? Why? So Saturday night is you and my main man, Ryan, We're at backstage bar and billiards. I don't know if you ever met Big Daddy Carlos, who owns Velvet Margarita on Coenga. I don't know.

But you open a place down there. It's this nice place. Fleepley Sparza has been there. Oh, he told me. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're out there, and it's going to be a good time, dude. An hour of fucking power, I promise you that.

I got this hour. I'm trying to find somebody to let me shoot it. I might just go fund me, get fucking $12 grand, shoot it myself, shoot it like, crisp nice but do it myself and uh so that's you know I got this hour that I fucking love dude it's like all these crazy stories and Sickler's doing an hour too

uh well we'll probably do uh we'll probably end up both doing like about 40 each I'll let him close we don't we always go we work together who's open no it's gonna be me and him uh me and Ryan Sickler then got some locals who are uh this chick named Sharp she's really

funny Gooch do you know Gooch from Vegas uh Brandon Gooch Hahn. He does the radio station. Literally one of the funniest dudes. Like, if he was in L.A., you do great. And then Matt Markman, who's one of my favorite people. Hilarious comic, man. Vegas is an interesting scene, dude, because there's so...

Vegas is very interesting. So many theaters performed. There's a ton of shit during the week. People go out sometimes from L.A. They go to Vegas to hang out with Edwin San Juan. Edwin's fucking killing it. I love Edwin. Edwin's doing it. We have a bunch of people out there where you have, like, Doe Boy, and then Freddy Correa.

Yeah, Freddy's great too. They got a nice little saying, man. Listen, that's great. I want to be here and there. That's my goal because I used to go college there, and that's where I started. But I think it's going to be an artist community if you work hard and you got a little cash with you. You can do show, like within these

hotels are trying to keep people in the hotel. So they want to have shows. And now what they're doing is they'll have one stage. They'll have like five shows in it during the day. So you have family shows during day from noon and they go all the way to midnight. Every two hours, there's a new show. And I'll just show you doing Saturday. What do they get fucking tickets

at? They go to ticket fly. It's called Comedy Chaos. Let's say I'm a communist. Samtripley.com or you can buy at the door. All right. You can buy it to do. Fifteen dollars. Make you holler. That's it. Love you. Saturday, what's the date? That's the 21st. Do me a favor. You know, I don't fuck with you people. Go down there, hang out, bring them a fucking, whatever, trying to put a Cosby and whatever the fuck you want to do. Bill Cosby, me? That'd be hot. Watch his drink, put a

Cosby. I've been roofy, dude, in Cleveland. You did? Yeah, they roofied me. They suck your dick? No, this little titit. This chick. This chick. with huge tits. I just couldn't stop talking about her tits. She was like, 5-1 and just all monster tits. And she brings me a drink, and the next thing you know, I'm waking up on

Chad Zumach's fucking bed. He's a little, dude, you got fucking weird. I'm like, I don't remember any of it, dude. Do you ever do a roofily? No, and why were they roofie or cry? It doesn't make sense. Wouldn't you just have sex with her? We'll just rue for you one nightly, and then we'll be... I'd love to watch that and maybe fuck those tits.

We'll let Lee fucking pass out, and we'll draw like a fucking little thing on his forehead, like a Nazi sticker. I'm never taking another drink from you ever again in my life. You sound so high right now. I will text your mom. I appreciate you with a Nazi little.

Your mom will fucking fly out of here and pull you out of here quicker than a fucking it's good to see you again. Sammy Chips. I love you. Did. By. Listen, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, San Francisco, motherfucking

punchline. Wednesday before Thanksgiving, 11, 20. Irvine Improvine Improv 8 o'clock show You'll be out of there by 10 fucking 30 You go jump up and down Whatever the fuck you're gonna do Lisa I'll be there with t-shirts Giving out autographs and taking pictures

And that's it people We'll be back Wednesday I don't know what fucking time Don't ask I want to give a big holl Everybody who came to the show From the Stress Factory And my Jersey peeps

I love you at all my heart Sam Trips thanks for coming Saturday night at the fucking Vegas Backstage Billiards Backstage billets and my main man. Sanctuary.com. Lee fucking Syatt. Kick an ass over there.

You good, my brother? Yeah. Croft McGaugh, motherfucker. Let's go to Lee Syatt.com. All right, let's do this. Yeah. Lee, I want to do your podcast. I would love to have you. That sounds creepy.

No. You're Stevie Wonder right now. You're just like, Hebbony. Okay. This podcast is brought to you by onit.com. That's right. Go to honor.com.

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