The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #336 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: November 25, 2015

Greg Fitzsimmons, Comedian and Host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and The Greg Fitzsimmons Show on Sirius XM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada. Recorded live on 11/25/2015. Music: Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood Led Zeppelin - Tea For One  

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Lee Nice I'm fucked up I survive Here we go motherfuckers Church of what's happening now November 26 my 60th anniversary of being married to my wife

This is how we do it here Greatford Simmons in the house My main Irishman Lee Syatt Here we go We're all drugged up Bam Full moon

Is it tonight? Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit Are you fucking kidding me Yeah Well what That's how you get a fucking party started

You know what You guys want to throw on fucking You know, what's those fallout boys? Fucking Dave Matthews. I can't stand those motherfuckers on my barefoot and shit. That shit drives me crazy. Those fucking, get the fuck out of here.

We got a black guy playing banjo, barefoot. Him and the fucking fallout boys. They had the balls to say yesterday. We want to do our music before we become dinosaurs. Listen, these dinosaurs will take you and rip you apart, you fucking idiots. what's the last good song Fall Out Boy ever did Do you know Lee?

Because I know you like that music I have no idea No you don't be fucking lying to me You went to see Hunger Games part two You liked that music It was a decent movie I know I had to talk I meant to doing edibles

You know to talk me It was a Tuesday night I go you gonna go straight Yeah And put up with that Fucking nonsense Straight Go fucking eat some stars

And he fucking listened Good man What's her name Were you blast the one out To what's her name Jennifer Oh Jennifer? Oh, Jennifer.

She's hot. She's hot, huh? She's kind of crazy in these, though. Yeah. She doesn't really look sick. You know who I saw a picture of is, what's her name? Fuck. Jennifer Aniston.

No. Whoopi Goldberg. Sarah Silverman at the premiere for a movie. Do you see that picture? I didn't know if she was so hot. Oh, no. She dresses up. When she dresses up, it's like a whole different person.

I had never seen that before. It's unbelievable. Sarah Salwoman's a good-looking little fucking free. It's beautiful. Yeah, she always dresses down, and I'd never seen that. Have you seen it? Yeah, what, her name? That, no, the pictures.

What fucking picture? Put that down a little bit. What picture? At her premiere. Who's premiere? Sarah Silverman. She's got a new movie out. Oh, Sarah does.

Yeah, a little indie film. Okay, I didn't know none of this shit. He's talking about Hunger Games. What's like he's talking about? People are talking about Oscar nominations and shit? Yeah, really good. She did a really good job. You know, she's one of those people that's been around forever.

She's like, she's like AIDS. She won't go away. Can't stop it. You know, she's. She's been around with, you know, when I came to this town, she had just popped in something about Mary. Even though she was just sitting at a whole table listening, she was involved in that movie. That was a great fucking movie. I got my ass on.

But she won't go away. She always stays relevant. You know, she always popped. She popped a great HBO special last year. Yeah. It wasn't as much as great as how she did it at Largoe and all that type of stuff. She does it her own way. She's like Joey Diaz.

Well, how else are you going to do it? I got nobody, you know, I got nobody's way to do it. That's the only way you can do it. Yeah. What's up, Irish? Good to see you, man. Fucking Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving.

I've been holding out all week. I've been thinking about fucking pumpkin pies since like last Saturday. Yeah. Like by last Thursday, you're like, man, I can't hold out no more. I need a fucking piece of pumpkin pie. I'm smoking this high cap. I never got into the pumpkin thing. That's my favorite thing in the world.

Pumpkin pie. A little bit of whipped cream on top. Heat that motherfucker up. Oh. And you know where? I hated pumpkin pie as a kid. Yeah? I liked like faggy colors.

Boisenberry and apple. But when I went to Catholic school, I got stuck with a pumpkin pie once. Oh, my God. How fucking good of those. Yeah. And the cheaper, the better. Right. Give me that fucking.

Costco. Oh, my fucking God. Lou with some cool whip. Cool whip. Not even real whipped cream? No, no, no. Not cool whip. The real shit.

Okay. Real whip. I don't fucking have a cool whip. That tub of shit. I'll go buy, I'll go to a bodega and buy one of those little intman's pies, the one that size of your fist. You pop it right out of there? I've always wondered what those.

are the little pie fillings? They're little pie fillings. It's just like a little mini pie that they have at 7-11? It's exactly a pie, but it's the size of your fist. And if you're between meals, you need a little pick me up, you grab yourself in Edmund's pie,

apple, they'll throw out in the microwave for you. Really? Pop it out of the tin thing, throw out in the microwave. I never ate one of those. Yeah, that's great. Edmonds, I don't know what the fuck that is. It's scared.

Antimans, you never heard of that? Entomins, I heard of, but they have little apple pie? Yeah, little pie. It's on the counter like next to the, this is how fat I was. I know what you're talking about. And it's next to like those old donuts, but it says like pie filling. I was always too scared to get it.

I don't know what the fuck that is. I didn't know if you had to bake it or something. I'm always been a hostess apple pie type. Really? That was part of my game growing up. That's a quick fill. That's just nothing but pure sugar. It's glazed.

Yeah. It's glazed with a fucking can of Coke. Oh, my God. The dentist is cheering you on. The dentist is like, that's my boy. That's my motherfucker. Right there. That's money in the bank.

Oh, my God. I love those places. You see them unloading the truck out back, your dentist. You know, now you eat that hostess and it's fucking horrendous. That food is all horrendous. They've taken chemicals out. They've added chemicals in. Remember the hostess cupcake?

Just a plain chocolate with the little fucking thing. Yeah, the little swirl. The little swirl. They gave you like a little heavy little dot of fucking sperm in there. Yeah. Now they give you nothing. It's like some fucking little fag with the hip. Shoots a little gun in there with a little fucking little.

You got to eat 10 pounds of chocolate To get through a little fucking hippie sperm It's one drop Used to be the whole load You get the whole fucking load of sperm in there From the guy at the factory Now I'm not to some skinny guy Cawf in the Wheat-Egg-Wites

It used to be like a guy A diabetic Blew a hot thick one inside of a cupcake Those things were You know when you From the East Coast you grew up on those things And everybody's different I think like South Jersey

Has tasty cakes in Philadelphia Up by me I was more of What do I like? I like the ringdings. Rest the country, you call them ding-dons. Devil dogs. I'm a devil dog type of motherfucker.

Devil dog. But my all-time favorite was the yo-yos. The chocolate with the cream filled up like that, and you got two in a package, and then they got dipped in chocolate to boot. That's diabetics right there. Another one, the dentist is right there, tap on you on the back.

That's right. Give me a twinkie. Give me a twinkie. You take the cellophane off, the little top gets stuck on it. You get to scrape that off with your teeth. They tried to stop, tweaking twinkies and people lost their shit they picketed they protest they wrote letters

they brought it back a year later i got hooked on twinkies one night twinkies was the first sugar buzz i had because my mom i would go to my mom and go mom i'm going on the school trip and instead of just buying me two twinkies she'd buy me a box and say share them with your friends fuck you you would hoard this next listen i would start eating those twinkies at 11 o'clock at night the night before, before the out couple. I remember the first all-nighter I pulled on Twinkies. One all-nighter on Twinkies.

And instead of snorting, like, when you do blow, you do like blow every 20 minutes when you pull them all-lidling. Yeah. Guys, this is the funniest fucking story of all the time. I pulled an all-nighter on Twinkies one night before we went to Philadelphia and where Betsy Ross did the fucking letter.

Yeah. Where she made the flag. The flag. Yeah. and we went to see the Nutcracker Suite. My mother bought a box of those, a box of something else, and a box of something else.

And it was the first addictive personality that I ever showed. I did not know it then. I thought about it years later, how I kept watching them. You know, I started with the out couple. Ah, the honeymoon. Let me eat another twinkie. Then the Twilight Zone.

I got to have a twinkie for the Twilight Zone. And this time I'm going to get two. And some milk to delinkey. It's a one hour. Yeah, it's a one hour. You got to get two. And then at one, I watched something else. I had HBO when I was a kid, so I watched something else.

Yeah. You know, HBO was brand new. Oh, HBO late at night, they drank one out. No, the late movie when I was a young man, seven, when that happened, not when I was seven. When that happened, I was in the eighth grade. So I'm talking about 78, the hot movie at the time. They kept playing that you'd whack off to was Kentucky Fried movie or The Groove 2. The group tube had a chick that ran across naked with her tithies.

And you had that big box with three levels. And that's how you got channels in those days. So each one had one to seven, seven to 21 and 21. That's right. That was it. That was it, guys. That was cable fucking TV. And it had a string connected to the TV.

So you had, that's it. That's a TV. You had a string with a box on it. And then it had like levels. So you had zero to seven, seven to 14 and 14 to 21. Fucking tremendous. HBO was 18. HBO was 18 and you can press it.

That's how you did it. You pressed the fucking HBO and you got all excited. Nobody was around. And that's the first thing I fucking whacked it. It was that group group. But I remember being six in the morning and still eating those Twinkies and being jazzed up and not knowing what's going on in your life. Like just being jazzed up and going, what do I feel this way?

Right. And being awake the whole fucking day. And years later, one night I'm sorry. sitting there, I think, talking to somebody, and they're like, yeah, remember that trip? And I'm like, yeah, the night before was the most interesting night of my life, because I stayed up all night, eating twinkies. They're like, fuck, yeah, you did it. If you ate the whole box of Twinkies, that'll keep you up all fucking night at that age. Yeah.

Getting coked up on Twinkies. I suck in a dick, one after the other, little brown twinkie dicks. And ever since that time, you know what, if I'm high and I got to eat a twinkie, I'll eat it. But I don't think, I think since that eighth grade, I think I've had two Twinkies. Yeah. In 50 years, 40 years. You had your quota. Two seconds?

What's that? I have to unplug and plug it in his mic back. Okay, me too. For you two, I think it's just him, but we'll check. All right. No, something's going on here. Last week we had the echoes, so we just want to double check for you people at home and shit like that. No, it's just.

There you go. Pop that back in. Boom. Fuck it. Check, check, check. Check, check. Now we got nothing. Nothing at all.

Oh, wait, there we go. There you go. Go Lisa, yeah, you're slipping cucks, suck, and I just have a son of a shit by show. Go ahead. But those are the, I don't know, that's, what else did you remember growing up in Boston? New York, I grew up in New York.

And what were you eating as a child? After you like, because you always ate something at home. Right. But then once you were halfway home, if you were fat fuck, those of marshmallow pies? There was these candy bars, they were called the Marathon Bar. And it was like, it was strings of caramel, covered in chocolate,

twisted into a braid and you you fucking you took a bite of that and your salivary glands opened up like the Hoover Dam. It's just your saliva attacked this piece of chocolate heaven and you chewed the fuck out of it because it wasn't like the new caramel where it just it's goo and slides down your throat. This was caramel you had to earn. You wear out your jaw chewing on this shit and the chocolate is mixing in with it and the saliva is mixed in and you swallow it and you got to take a break before they. next bite. You got to give your jaws a couple seconds between sets. And they take another bite.

And, you know, that's a workout. That was a good 15, 20 minutes to eat the marathon bar. Do you guys ever have whoope pies? Whoopies are the best. Those are my favorite. So, you know, that thing, those chocolate karma, that's a good training thing for young cock suckers. Like when they're 18, you got them into the festival. Before you can get anybody, you got a suck on these for a month. So you really get good jaw. No, but I'm ready to suck a dick. No, you're not. Trust me.

No, you're not. It's a matter of second. It's a complete different situation. You just been, you know, you just been blowing, you know, fucking guys in high school. We're taking into the major league. We're trying to get, we're trying to get the big 200 out of these guys. The guys in high school, they just couldn't believe their dick was in a mouth. Yeah.

There was no effort. You know, I never even got a blowjob in high school. From a girl? Never even thought it from anything. From anything. Nothing. I never would even consider a woman giving me a blow job. Never.

Because they're all good Catholic girls. I just. I never thought I'd have the balls. A, to ask a woman. B, if I heard a woman suck dick, I would avoid her like the fucking plague in those days. I don't know what it was. Like, I never thought ever, ever, ever.

If I had to think back to my first blowjob, it's got to be about 19. I was working security for a guy Louis Donato and a massage parlor up on 91st Street fucking Kennedy Boulevard up there. Louis Donato was his half-want-be-fee. fucking momster guy that talked a big game. So he had a couple

girls and had like four shifts, four different guys at different times. We're all friends. And you guys were security for two whores? I could get beat up any time in those days. There was like four wars in that. And one night on the Saturday he goes, hey man, I'll give you 50 bucks and pick one of the girls

to blow you. And I picked this redhead and I was fucking shit in my pants. Like I was just shit in my pants. I started going in that room and just being like I didn't know what to expect. I don't ever forget. She took a piece of gum on her mouth and put it on the fucking table before she blew me.

It was the most impersonal thing to her. It was the most impersonal situation. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, if that was my tent blowjob, I could feel it. But in the back of your mind, you always think your first blowjob is going to be this fucking thing with angels and birds are getting shot out into the sky. You hear voices.

That never did. That should never happen for me. You know, it was like... My first blowjob was just the opposite. It was this girl, Linda, and she was a great girl, but she'd been around town, you know. She was confident. Big tits. She called him pride and joy.

And she said to me, for my 16th birthday, she was going to give me the best blowjob I would ever have in my life. And she came over my house. Parents were out. It's April. It's a nice spring day. I remember the windows open, little breeze coming in. Linda comes up to my room and she takes my pants down herself.

I try to take them off. She stops me. She takes them off. Then she takes the underwear off. And then she works it. And I mean, she's, I didn't know that a blowjob included ball licking, that that was an option.

I didn't know that it's circled. I didn't know that there was two hands could be cranked on the base, a decent size. And she worked it. And there was eye contact. There was intent eye contact throughout. checking in.

She wanted to know how I was doing every second. I'd be so fucking embarrassed. Oh, it was unbelievable. Post-coital. I cuddled with her after the blowjob. And I feel for you, Joey, that that had to be your first blow job. I got to ask you some. Where is she today?

She has kids, and she lives a couple towns over from where we grew up. I think she did well. I think she married well. You still keep in touch with them time to time, send her a little Facebook. It's always good to hit one of those freaks on Facebook And give them like a little reminder Yeah I have one I'm working now

Not because I want to sleep, but I'm not Just because she was such a savage and such an animal Yeah And now she's got a kid But I want to remind that she's such an animal So I do I post this New Jersey First of all the last time I had seen this girl

Was when Doug Flewley threw the touchdown Okay And it was just a horror show I robbed Louis Donato. At this time, she was Louis' boss. She was Louis' What is that, nanny? And I saw it, Corkies, and this bitch had a body.

They called a lorry jack because they said, you know, in those days, she's got the jack. Yeah. Everybody said she had something. ACDC wrote a song call. She's got the jack, which implied she had like AIDS, not AIDS at that time, but like. Goneria, chlamydia, and all that. No, there wasn't even chlamydia in 79. In 79, it was just syphilis.

and something came out of your dick. That's it. All of a sudden, over the years, they've added all these dimensions and names to throw you all. It all started with funk. The head of your dick swells up. Blood comes out, you know what I'm saying? The nuts are purple.

You go crazy. You go crazy. Oh, my God. You sit there and go, what did I fuck? What type of animal did I fuck? What planet is she from? And I'll tell you something. Knock on wood, I can be honest on this show.

It never happened to me. I just... Shut up. I had crabs. I've gotten crabs. And then I was fucking around with these dirty college girls. When you mess around with college girls, bro, you're always going to get something. You're fucking the whole campus.

Yeah, you get foot fungus, something. I had this little leakage coming out of my helmet. And then I noticed that both of them, like when I was sleeping with one for a while, and then she moved, then I started sleeping with the other one. Both of them had this, like, white leakage from their little monkey. It was chlamydia, but I wasn't going to embarrass them. I'd tell them, I'd just get wiped it and kept eating that ass. You know me.

this got nothing to do with Uncle Joey It's like finding a hair in your hamburger You get rid of a TV in that shit You know people send the hamburger back Come on Before you send them hamburger back Think back of how many assholes you lick Right or wrong

You ever get these motherfuckers I was hair in my food Come here, let me talk to you my son You take the hair out and you proceed You're going to send the sandwich back And now they're going to spit in it You know Because that's what you do

When somebody says There's a hair in your food really What's wrong with hair? Let me put a fucking Coke snack from Tuesday in that motherfucker wait till you crunch into that and think it's a grape I got a hemorrhoid I'm gonna rub the hemorrhoid on your French fry

Not even you take you squeeze the hemorrhoid You get that hemorrhoid juice It's like that black fucking tart It comes out they think it's rummelade sauce These fucking jerk fucking gentiles But that shit drives me crazy When people act like that Oh well you know stop

Yeah You fucking assholes No and I don't even like the guy that has them pour a half a glass of wine. Pour the fucking wine and drink the wine. What are you going to drink? You're going to take a sip from half a glass and swish it around and then say no? I'm sorry about the...

Caesar wants you to bring forth another glass of wine. Fuck you. I got to tell you guys. You know, my mom bought some wine this week. She's out for Thanksgiving. She went to Ralph's and bought some wine. And next night I come home and I go, Mom, what do you get five ice cubes in your wine for? She goes, it's shit wine.

And it's like, bite of them. the fucking bottle of wine. She's like, nah, finish this one. Club W. But here's the crazy thing. That culture never was sold to me.

Okay, Lee, you're a very young man. My man, Irish, is younger than I am. I came from a culture. Family affair. Courtship of Eddie's father, Room 2-2, combat.

You know, all those shows, when men had a conversation in the 60s and 70s, Lee, in the early late, 60s and 70s on television on CBS NBC or CBS ABC when three two men had a conversation there was always a bottle on the table with no label on it there was a bucket with ice cubes from as soon as two men walked in a room what are we going to do about the Diaz

situation well I the first thing I did in this late 60s and early 70s was to turn around okay without even eye contact without offering you didn't even offering this time in the United States. You turned around, you took two glasses, you'd put an ice cube in each right on TV while the camera was rolling. And he was saying his stupid fucking lines about how the world's going to end, and

if the Russians don't go out to the fallout shelter, and they'd always pour from a bottle, which you assume was whiskey, correct? Always. Do you remember this as a young something? And they gave it to everybody, and everybody, they didn't go, cheers or salood, they just drank it

and they discussed their situation. And they discussed their situation and throughout the show, drinking was always acceptable. Yeah. As a young man, for me, for me, that made my dick hard. My mom had a bar. You know what? Next week when I go down there, I'm going to fucking drink with an ice cube. How old are you at this point?

Five, six. You know me, dog. It looks cool, I understand. It looks fucking tremendously cool. What kid doesn't get, what kid doesn't look at that and go, I can't wait be fucking 18 to do that, to drink a fucking shot. I remember being a kid, we had these shrimp cocktail glass. My parents would buy a six pack of shrimp cocktails from the AMP, right?

Remember those? And then you wash them out, you keep the glasses. You wash them out and you keep the glasses. And it's about the size of a scotch glass. So I remember me and my brother says, we put one ice cube in, we put some Coca-Cola on top, and we'd walk around the house like we were in fucking madmen. No shit. Sipping it.

Sipping it, you know, and then we'd roll up pieces of paper. My parents, my dad smoked. I'd roll up pieces of paper. We'd dangle them out of our mouths, and we'd drink Coke with an ice cube. There you go, America. So you were, I don't know. It was like alcoholism was acceptable, okay? Whatever.

Now my mom had a bar. I got drunk one time, shit in my pants. They found me in a closet. That was the end of my alcoholism career. Did you know that? That was it? That was it. My mom had a thing.

Before she'd go to bed, she'd do a little shot of wine. I scope to fucking red Italian wine. when she fell asleep I went I drank the whole bottle of wine my mom got up Jose Antonio Hos Antonio no host Antonio

She's down 911 911 the cops came They found me in a closet Puked shit all over the place How old are you? Four Five That was the end of my

Alcoholism career right That's it That's it You shit your fans Everything They were shit on my feet They had to put me in the tub I slept for two days

You know It's always been a fucking And that was it. And you never drank since? No. I've tried. I've fucking tried. I've tried.

I tried Jack. I loved everything. I loved everything. Then when you do cocaine, you know, it's like a gin. It's like an Indian without gin. You know, a line of Coke requires alcoholism. So I did that. But when I became 18, something really weird happened.

I started hanging out with people that thought they were Johnny Bananas. I had a friend that if he drank a whiskey, he had to have a certain glass and that shit never bought it to me. Then I went out to dinner with the Holloways. The Holloways were the badass Irish-German family. There you go. I speak to Timmy every two days.

In fact, he's a truck driver. He listens, and he'll remember this. When we graduated in high school, Mr. Holloway took us out to dinner. Can't remember the place in Hoboken. We're all fucking sitting there eating. And Mr. Holloway, all this bottle of dinner. I missed a Holloway.

I liked a few drinks, but he had a rule. boys you come to my house you can eat every day you could curse in my house you can watch sports can't drink in my house that was our rule both my parents huge drinkers you didn't drink in the house do me that favor respect right uh you know we'd go every time we went anywhere we'd always stop in mr holloway's house and get tuned up he would get more money the best was when mr holloway was on the couch sleeping years later we come in at three in the morning we're making sandwiches to go into a disco in the city and as we walk past and Mr. Holloway turns on.

He goes, what, to go? You know, I mean, we used to torment them. Yeah. But I forget the fucking story I was going to tell you. Who the fuck knows? We're talking about those, you know, shrimp cocktail glasses. And we were talking about it. And we went to dinner, and all of a sudden, some guy comes by and he goes, you know, excuse me.

Cavias, I've been Blanc 68. And, you know, and all of a sudden he opens a bottle. And he's got like a thing. And he fucking, I think. He drinks a little and he spits down it. And I'll never forget he goes to Mrs. Holloway and he goes to Mr. Holloway. And he gets to Roger and Little Roger's crazy. We're crazy at the time.

We're fucking crazy. Little Roger looks like it goes, give me the fucking bottle. Just give me a fucking bottle. And that was the end of that in my life. I knew that I wasn't the only one who thought that way. A glass is a glass. I don't give a fuck what glass. I don't give a fucking wine glass.

and the whole fucking serenade with the sweater on my shoulders to have a fucking drink of wine, all right? I know people who are broke that fucking drink wine out of a bottle have a great time. Have a fucking great time with that. Same alcohol content. Same alcohol. I never understood the whole glassware. Yeah. The whole thing.

When I've snorted Coke, I've drank fucking gasoline out of a rock glass. It don't matter. No, I mean, you got, you got an ass hair on your hamburger or some wine to taste. a little bit fruity, suck it up and don't waste everybody's fucking time. We're trying to go out. We're trying to get this done so we can do the next thing. We can't do the next thing if you're

sending fucking one-ounce little sifters of wine back. I won't have it. I won't have it. I don't even care if my shit is too raw. I eat around it. It's always just that one little red chunk in the middle of your steak. So you eat around it. Eat everything else. But don't

send it back. That shit embarrasses me to know what. you know what I do when the food sucks? I pay the bill and get up in the league. Yeah. And I make a mental. I get in the car and I call this fucking dude. And I tell him, don't go there.

The food sucks. Well, I went there last two. Get the fuck. It's the fucking suck. It tastes like ass. Did he say taste like gas or taste like ass? Ass. You know.

I'm not even sure what the place you're talking about. Any fucking place. I'm just saying. I mean, that's the first thing you do. I'm not going to sit there and argue with you and go back and forth, you know. Right. the role. I'm in Indianapolis recently. Shit in the bed at some club in the suburbs. Nobody's coming. It's like I've got the HIV. And so I'm miserable all weekend. And I go, you know,

it's Saturday night in between shows. I'm going to go next door. They get a sushi restaurant. I'm going to get a nice plate of sushi, cheer up a little bit, spend a few bucks, live. So I go there between shows and I order, I get some miso soup and some sushi. Miso soup comes out. It's ice cold. It's as salty as a cum shot from. a guy that just walked 40 days in the desert. Oh, no. Then I get the, and so I don't eat it. And then all of a sudden, they bring the sushi, and it's like it had been smoked.

Like the corners of the fish were dry and curled back. It'd been sitting there for days. Meanwhile, the waiter recognized me, so I walk, and he goes, Greg Fitzsimmons! Holy shit! He goes, I'm going to take great care. It's like, if you want to take care of me, get some fucking takeout from another restaurant, because this shit is poison. So he puts it in front of me, and I don't want to be a duch because he recognized me,

So I just gave a big fucking tip. And like you said, I just walked out. I wasn't going to eat that shit. First of all, shame on you for going to a sushi place next door to Indianapolis. I mean, how many fucking people left Hiroshima to go to Indianapolis, okay? You know, so shame on you. It's like you don't leave Auschwitz to move to Iowa, open a bagel shop. You've already been in torture for 40 fucking years.

You know what I'm saying? You leave Auschwitz to go to New York and get the party. started. How the fuck did you connect those two thoughts? Because I'm smoking weed to take this morning. It doesn't matter.

That was a fucking World War Two thought. These bagels are good. Yeah, my family's all dead. Enjoy it. I hope the bagel cheers, you know.

Tremendous. Thanksgiving motherfuckers. This is what life is all about. Sometimes just getting a stupid laugh, man. And this guy's over there humming like a cat. The fuck is rubbish in the corner. Just humming like a cat. How many milligrams?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And it's time for another inhaler. This is hala brought to you by asthma. Boy, they can't stop thinking of ways to get fucking pot your system. Anybody else? No.

No. You wipe it in your nose, you drop it, in your eyes. Anybody come up with the eyedrops yet? That's got to be next. That's next one. The cannabis eyedrops. I'm sure they have them. I got to hit acid here if you want to take it home for later to go.

I'm good, thanks. It's right down that little doork on. Look at you. And I got three hitting up there. Well, don't tell them where they're hitting. Well, I'm not going to tell nobody where they are. They got to come here with the dog. Acid.

That feels like 1979. That's where I live. You bring it back? Listen, man. in the words of public enemy if you don't know over your past you don't know your future got to take your head of acid

from time to time and take you back there just to dibble a little bit All right What do you do once you take the acid You gotta stay indoors We stayed here and we did a podcast We're me and Lee and Ari Shafir

Eddie Bravo came to mediate He didn't get high And we just giggled here like five assholes You three took the acid For five hours just five? No you did a five hour podcast? We did a three hour podcast Two and a half three

And then we were fucking We sat here for an hour after I just sweating and giggling. Yeah. Didn't I send you a video of the Mexican guy taking his clothes off? No. Come on. So we're here.

I call Duncan. You know Duncan likes drugs. I call Duncan. You want to come to the podcast and do that? I can't. You know, I have other plans. Okay, no worries. You don't have to fucking come.

So I call Harvey. Arby was going to come anyway. I just want to have a couple people. So Duncan sits at home and he's watching this fucking podcast. In the middle of the podcast, he decided. to send me this fucking. Now, we're three, we're two hours in. We're burning. Was this last week? This is about a month, six weeks ago. We're burning. Look at Greg. He won't even touch the phone. He's like, I only going to touch it.

Look at that marshmallow body. Holy. I feel good about my body right now. Oh, don't do it. Oh, Christ. Holy Christ. Now, Greg, you're sitting there two hours out of. Burning on an accident by yourself. like Bobby Lee the Mexican. I'm going to send you this. How's that? Yeah, please. Show this to your mom tomorrow. I'll be sitting around show this for my Thanksgiving Day.

You know what I'm thankful for, Mom? Here's what I'm thankful for, Mom. This gentleman right here who has no body shame, and yet we all have body shame for him. He doesn't give a fuck. He taped that. He probably puts out on a dating service. Yeah.

And sent that out to this. So let's give it a whiz. You think you got any replies? Oh. I would reply just to stab him. Right or wrong. I take him to a secluded place. Like if I was single, gay and crazy, and I'm just living life by the seat of my pants.

Oh, he's a Ghana. He's a Ghana. He's just like, I'm like, what's that guy on TV that was killing people? And then Klexter, Lexter, Lexa. You immediately became a gay serial killer. Why not? Think about it. If I'm fucking gay and I'm part of a fucking date gate in sight.

Yeah. And I'm sitting at home. I had a bad week and I can't find the job. My last date, the guy wouldn't suck my dick. He gave us a good piece of ass, but he gave a bad blow job. You know, I'm sitting there. I'm gayer as fuck. I'm at home watching something on Netflix.

Getting worked up. Go-go TV. And this guy pops up on your screen. Yeah. You just got to think about this. So this video ends, first thought that comes to your mind is how many bullets do I have, do I have a rubber sheet? This is going to be fun.

No, this is fun. Do I have to go to Mexico for this? No, this guy lives in Sherman Oaks. I guarantee this guy lives in Pequoyne, but this guy lives right under your nose. You see this guy when you go to rob some wave at him. He's behind a counter.

He's lonely. He's just looking for another hemophiliac. What's he? He didn't have a dick, he didn't have a pussy. What do you call those people? Hemophiles? Hemaphrodite.

Hamiphyde. Same fucking... Hemophilias. That means you can't stop bleeding. That means you're going to stab them once. You can walk away. What happened to those people? Remember when we were kids? They always had... No, there's no more hemophilia. They're gone. Yeah, they

disappeared. See people, things change. What happened to the hemophilia? Hemophilia was you know, I think people started saying homophilia and they changed it. It became gay guys that bleed a lot. That was my joke.

That's terrible. You want to edit that out, Lee? No, fuck no. Leave it in. I like that. Oh, you just sent me the video. I can't wait to watch it. Oh, my God. That's hysterical. That's what I'm saying. That could be any guy that put, they probably got that from a dating site.

That's a dating site in Mexico video. Right. You're at home in Mexico. You could kill from people. Absolutely. You get that the thing. Yeah. You get to yourself, I got the car.

I got the drop cloth. Uh-huh. I got everything. Yeah. If you could kill somebody, how would you do it? It just depends what they did. Yeah. Like, it depends what they did.

I have evil thoughts that runs. through my mind. You know, I really do. We all do. We all are mad at one or two people that we think. Disrespected us. Disrespected themselves because they fucked with us. Yeah.

You know, and it crosses your, when I was a kid, I was an ice my stepdad in the worst way. And I was going to get really good with weapons. And my plan was, my genius plan was to hide under a car and pop out and shoot them. And then, you know, I was always good with a skisbred. Escape routes. You'd be surprised. Escape rats? Like how to get out of a situation. Like, if you shoot somebody here, you know, you're going to, you're going to fucking look around this area for a while.

You got to see, but today you have drones. You have Google map. You have all these things that they could go back. I could go back and see if you ever walked in that neighborhood a year ago. Do you know that? Yeah. That's reality. I could really go back.

It costs money. It's going to cost you money. We were talking about this last week. Two months ago at the comedy store, kids sitting on the door, busy, sunset, fucking boulevard, okay? Kid walks up to him 10 to 1, takes out a gun and shoots him seven times, runs down the hill, gets in a car.

They've never heard or seen from the guy. Who watched a documentary? It's been on all week. It's a brand new documentary. I watched bits and pieces. The Tupac Biggie murders. March the Penguins? No, the Tupac Biggie Murders.

Hell. The guy came, how it. Oh, I got to see that. There was a Southside Crip that it was definitely fucking Biggie. It was definitely Puff Daddy that put the order out. That's what the movie says? And this documentary has the Southside Crips, a million dollar bounty. The bounty got put at Gold Blots right next to the Laugh Factory.

Right. That's what they would eat in those days. It's a gold blots, green blots, whatever the fucking name of it. And listen, right now there's two murders. Take a look at it. You have to be a fucking moron. if you're going to murder somebody. Number one,

look at all the people that get caught. You know how come they get caught? Because they tell somebody, or they have two or three people involved. You're going to ice somebody. You're going to ice them yourself. And the ices that we've seen, look at the fucking best ices that you see.

Look at this thing at the county store. 16, 15 people on a patio, cops on Los Angeles. When people hear bullets, they go crazy. They don't see. You don't see no more. And there was no camera out there. No camera.

Even with the fucking camera. I got a hood on with my thing around me. It's tough now, guys. It's fucking tough. Don't get me wrong. Look at the, they got the 44 caliber killer with a fucking ticket. Yeah. You do make mistakes with a fucking a parking ticket.

But look at all these mom guys. What do you think? They're physicists. These guys shot people every night. They just disciplined. They just disciplined. Took them to a fucking deserted place, buried them, put lie on them,

make the body disappear quicker. and they built construct. These people, you know, for every 300 murders, Sammy the Bull said that they were out there. There's another 300 people that are out there that nobody ever knew about them. Went missing. They went playing cards one night,

got into it with some asshole, like the guy that played Tommy and Goodfellas, they just pull a gun out and shoot you, and they'll be scared of you in the room now, and now they make a big scene. They put you in a tableclothed, and that shit happened. Totally random. That shit happened.

so you have to think about how you would do it the person but how would you do it no but in terms of enjoyment for you what would what would feel best to you there's only one person on the god's eye that i would like to chop into fucking pieces that's how you do it chop them up oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no there's some people that you shoot in the fucking head yeah because they deserve to get shooting the head there's some people that you shooting the asshole and watching them Upwards, you put it straight up. And you watch them live for four hours.

Giggling for their fucking life. You get shot the asshole, you giggle. With a fucking 32. You get shot up the ass, nothing to blow their heads off and none. Just something to keep that hot bullet in their asshole. Do you put the gun up the asshole? Just a little bit. Just a little bit.

Just the crown. You put a condom on the fucking gun to make sure this guy's not a freak. don't want your gun with the hiv. You know what I'm saying? You don't want a gun with the hiv. You can't get rid of that guy. Safe killing. You got to do safe killing.

That's your favorite gun. But I figure if under God's eye, if anything of the bad happened to me in my life, you'd have to realize that this is the way I'd want to go out. Yeah. Is I go grab that fucking person. First of all, it'd be documentation. Okay, that'd have to be documentation because I have to make

too many moves. I would scope them out for a few days. I would get really fucking hungry and angry. I would probably pick them off off the fucking street and have a cave predetermined on an apartment and just gag them and start the process. Like the whole like, what was that? The film fiction?

The Gerard Bueller movie? Like a citizen. What was that movie he did? A ball in the mouth, duct taped hands. And first I started. start with punches for like an hour. Yeah. An hour?

For like an hour. I'm just going to work out of them. First of all, I go to the pharmacy and get a couple of IVs to keep him alive for a few fucking days. That's nice of you. He's not going to be able to eat because you knocked all his teeth out. Huh? He's not going to be able to chew. No, let them have teeth.

Let them have teeth. Yeah. And you just punch him for an hour and then you hit him with sticks. Oh, my God. Then you rock them to death for a little while. What's that? You just throw rocks like, like I ran. Oh, oh.

Like I ran. Then you kick them again But you keep them alive That's the whole You want them to suffer Like you did Yeah Then you torment them

You eat a few sandwiches in front of them Maybe some Twinkies A devil dog You really want to torment somebody You put a fucking gun up their pussy Or a gun that dick and play with them And asking questions How's that feel?

Are that feeling they fucking good to you now? And then after about 12 hours Of that mental tortures When you really start this shit Then I go into Iceman mode. That's why I just take a razor blade and start doing little paper cuts everywhere, just for about two hours. I'd probably faint two times because I can't see blood. So I'm going to come back.

This is why this is just a fantasy, ladies and gentlemen, because I'd be fainting by now. But after I'd fucking chop them up with that razor blade for about two or three hours, I'd rub that juice salt on them, that sea salt. I'd rub them in sea salt like a chicken color. You understand me? I'd roll them in that sea soft and there's no worse pain than that, guys. Then if they were a woman, I'd take a razor blade and slit their clit, one by the ball. And make them fucking eat it and then put more juice off down that shit.

And then I'd kick them again, ask them questions. You know, by that time I'd be crying because all the pain that they inflicted on me is finally coming out of it. Yeah, yeah. It's cathartic. For a human to do something like this, he has to know, in the back of my mind while I'm doing this, I'm going to get caught. But it's going to be well worth it. I'm going to go out of this world with that pain. That person got to see it.

And throwing more salt on them. Then I start on their genital parts. Then I start carving out their assholes, you know, taking their nose off, more salt. The thing about an asshole is the more you cut it out, the bigger the asshole gets. Yeah, no, no, no. And then I take the 32. pop the gun up there and that's when you just leave them there

to gurgle for fucking four hours You don't want to see that part Looking like a fucking chicken cullen You hang them upside down So the blood leaks out of their fucking ear loads And that's it That's how you do somebody who Did something bad to your family

Did something bad to you Did something bad to a daughter A son something That's the only way Anybody could go up and shoot you from a car Or like Kennedy They shot him from a fucking book tower Any fucking moron could do that

but to just pick somebody up by the throat and go, you're going. And guess what? I'm strepping myself up like one of these Arabs. As soon as the cops hit the basement, I pull the fucking booby clip here. So we all go anyway. You're going. You're going.

Yeah. Don't think you're not going, but fuck it. That's the only way to do it. If you're going to do somebody who's just fucked with you. Now to shoot a motherfucker like one of these dummy talent agents or like one of these fucking stupid comedians, that's easy. Invite him to the cops. I'm waiting until they go to the back room and blast them with a gun with a silence and leave them there.

Yeah, where's the fun of that? The easiest hit is the one that's the most obvious. Look at all the great hits in time. Listen, the greatest hit of our time in my eyes was John Gotti on Paul Costellano at Stakes, Spark Steakhouse, a week before Christmas at dinner time. That's genius. That's genius. Because you're in the dead center of it. You're in the dead center at number one, number two.

The only object you have, the only thing you have is an off-duty cop. That's what you're worried about. I'm worried about an all-duty cop. Why? Off-duty cops are the goofy ones. Look what happened at fucking Hollywood and Highland the other day. Some guy ripped out of a knife and started stabbing some fucking family. Two off-duty cops shot the guy and sustained them and put them down.

Off-duty cops are everywhere. They're walking with their families. A lot of them carry a piece. But, you know, in that case, this is poor fucking Costalano. Walks out of a restaurant. And all of a sudden, he starts getting black. Remember, one gun is bad enough. Can you, you ever see that scene in heat?

When they robbed the bank at the end, they come out to the car and give him the money. And fuck, oh, sees the guy, and he brings out the bazook. And it's on. Can you imagine that? Put that scene on one night and sit there, smoke a joint and sit there. go, what would happen to my insides if I ever heard that? You would drop, you would definitely pee your pants. Shit would start to trickle.

Your heart would beat to endless, endless. It's sweat. Endless. The mouth goes dry. That's not your world. I think I might pass out. You pass out? I pass out.

I passed out. I pass out. I pass out all the time. Your heart, your body can't fucking handle it. For some people who are not training that, that's why they send you to basic training. Yeah. To shoot guns,

to hear how a fucking machine gun sounds. So your response, your reactions to that. I like these guys that buy a gun and go out on the street, and they don't know nothing about nothing. And I've seen a thousand guys. Bro, when I was a kid, I had a friend of mine who went to one place and there was a shootout. And people asked him next to say,

what happened to your gun? He ran out of it. His girlfriend told us years later. He ran that night. It's a different world. Yeah. That's why I hate people who carry guns because 40% of them don't really know what they're doing with them. Well, did you see what happened?

And this is what I was worried about. This woman got her purse stolen, and these people came, and this woman was carrying a gun and shot at the dude. And it's just like, that's what I'm worried about. Like what? Oh, those fucking hillbillies, listen. That's Florida. God bless them. I love that type of shit.

Oh, my God. They told them to stop the lady shut up the fucking. guy. She robbed the purse. Did you see the tape? Now, he stole her purse, so she killed him? They didn't kill him, right? I don't think they killed him, and I think it was another lady had a gun. And just decided to shoot, which, I mean, he did steal a purse. He's not great, but... Yeah, but what about the judicial system, which says that you have a right to a trial and a lawyer,

and, you know, what are people just going to become judged jury and executioner on the street? Anybody that can pick up a gun can just decide who lives and dies? That's fucking crazy. Listen, man. Three Fridays ago, you were in a town doing comedy, and you were in your room writing fucking jokes, and all of a sudden the phone rang, or you looked up and somebody said,

did you hear what happened in Paris? And you turned the TV on, and all of a sudden they started describing these people at a fucking concert, these people had a cafe. Now, if you didn't stop, what you were thinking at that moment for 30 seconds, and you didn't process this could happen now,

now that this happened, this could happen anywhere, Fitzsimmons. This could happen anywhere, Fitzsimmons. People are pissed. Americans are scared. Americans are broke. I don't blame a lot of Americans for their behavior right now. It's a different country when you and I were growing up.

No, I do. There's a way this country behaves. We have a weird president, and right now people are on edge. Yeah. I can't fucking take my kid to fucking the mall now because Christmas shopping because these motherfuckers are going to do this. No, you can't take it. him to school. That's more dangerous

at the school than the mall. Half the country is closed. We're living in a country, we're half the country's voting on these refugees and the other half of the countries like fucking fuck them. We don't want them. You know, we have to put them to a strict fucking process because there might be cells. They already, listen, they already caught four of them

in Honduras last week. That means there's 18 of them already in California. Okay? You have to to assume. You have to assume. Lee, if you're an American and you were educated. Yeah, you have to assume there here, but not just from the refugees. Unless you believe, well, how do you think they got here? Do you think that they got here in a red carpet premiere? No, they came up to Honduras. They dragged like Mexicans. They say whatever fuck Mexicans did. They got up. You know, those coyotes, they'll fucking eat a scab off on Iranian's fucking fingernail. They don't give a

fuck, Lee. So eight Mexicans show, listen, I come up to you, I go, you want to go to the United States. See. See. Tell them, I'm your friend Primo. Before this guy

got sent over, he took fucking two weeks of fucking Spanish. What's her name? Rosa Perez, the fucking things you learn online?

Yeah. From Arab... Rosetta Stone? Rosetta Stone. Rosie Perez. All right? Whatever fucking name is. She Rosetta.

Fucking stoned him. Let's be educated Americans here. Okay. And okay, you're saying Joy, but you're paranoia. Let's say, okay, look what they did in

Paris. Look what they're doing everywhere else. They shot down a plane yesterday. So, well, you're telling me, these people trying, they're like Colombians now. You watch, you watch Netflix? Sure, I saw that. Okay.

They had different pads going. They just don't have this way to go to the United States. They just didn't have Panama. They were shipping through Mexico and it was coming in through Miami and it was coming in through New York City and it was coming in through there and it was coming in through here. And they sent in and they accepted out of seven shipments, they knew two of them. them we're going to get grabbed. It's the same mentality when I'm sending

over those fucking people through the border. Meanwhile, you're thinking that they're sending them in through this refugee thing, and we're watching these refugees. They caught four of them in Honduras with fake passports. Right, so that's my point. So do you think they're the first ones that went to Honduras?

That means we've already got 18 of them here. Oh, we probably have thousands of them. How do you think of this works? I go to a Mexican family that hasn't eaten in fucking two weeks. Two weeks. Okay? They're just poor fucking Mexican people.

They don't know no better. They're like the farmers in Colombia who pick the fucking leaves for 10 cents a day. Meanwhile, the final result is $3 billion a fucking year. These people are poor little fucking spicks. I come up to you with some Arabian accent. I give you fucking more money you've ever seen to teach me Spanish. And I'm going to take your family to the United States. Give me some of your t-shirts.

Give me a fucking poncho, and let's get this motherfucker through. And they shaved their beard. You tell me half these Arabs don't look like... Listen, on the way home, until they go to the fucking Laurel Canyon and Chandler, fucking 7-Eleven. Look me in the face when you walk out and tell me that's not ISIS in there. What are you saying? The guy that works there? The hoax door.

The whole store. The entire operation. The entire operation. And I wish this was a joke. I wish that you didn't... You can't let the fear get to you like this. The other day, it's blinding you. The other day, I walked in there after the attacks,

and they had the Arab music, ballasting. They had the turbines on. They were looking at Americans giggling when they walked in. I was watching them. I was looking for the hubba-bub-bubba. You think I'm trying to be funny. I'm not being fucking funny. So you have to alert.

Listen, guys, they're going to do something. They're going to do fucking something, and they want to do it within the next two weeks to make a fucking statement. They got this poor Russian all fire. up this putin guy he's no fucking genius honestly I didn't you know and I'm not listen listen guys I was prepared to die when I was 17 years old

I'm never I don't give a fuck I don't vote I got felonies I don't give a fuck about all this shit I want me to lie to you but I'm telling you you have to be a little bit cautious you have to keep your eyes open and you gotta have something you gotta have a BB gun you got to have a knife on you you better

have something Irish. I love you to death. That's in your fucking blood. Look, I think I think if you want to stop this shit, it's a, you know, you feed into it. When you objectify a race of people or a culture of people because of some events that happen in Paris,

you're going to cause animosity that could actually lead to people. It's a recruiting tool. We feed into it and we create more people that are maybe living on the edge of the Muslim society and you make them hate us, we're doing the recruiting for them. You know, they're innocent people. I mean, it's, they're a part, you know, they're a part of America.

There's some shitty ones and there's some good ones, but I really, I don't think as a race that they are responsible for more crimes in this country. And, you know, the ones that got here before were college students. A lot of the terrorists that came through this country, that were trained here, that were friends of the bushes, they came in here business class. They overstayed college visas. The poor people coming in, they're not, they don't give a fuck. They got no, what do they get allegiance to? A bunch of guys in fucking turbans that used to beat them with rocks. They don't give a shit about that place. They want to come to America. And we obviously like that whole

thing about giving Muslims and IDs, never, if that happened, it's fucking terrible. But they have all the, all, with all those technology, they're running background checks on everybody behind the scenes probably. Yeah. You would hope. The issue I have is, like, I'm pretty liberal for the most part. But I don't understand why everyone hates, like, it feels like everyone hates on the military. The U.S. military?

Yeah. I feel like it's like anti, like, people would be anti being having them in the street. Like, I spent six months in Israel and they're just everywhere. And at this point, I'd be more comfortable with them being in the street than... The military? Yeah, then everyone else having guns. I think people would be fucking miserable. Seeing military people all over the place, that would make, that would make me frown.

We turn into Cuba. Yeah. But, but. But this is happening. I have military people and every three blocks. And I believe in security. I believe in a lot of things. I believe in people looking after one another.

But Jesus Christ, if I got to walk up the corn and there's a tank out my fucking time. No, I'm not like a tank. weed store. What do you think you want? If you're going to come to protect Uncle Joey, bring the tank. Don't show up with a Jeep with some skinny guy with a cough. You know what I'm saying? I'm sure they have... I don't need no corporal.

You know what I'm saying? I shot the sheriff, not the deputy. This is LA. Sending the big guns. Come on. I'm sure they have a tank with a 30 minutes of here. I shot the sheriff, though. I shot the sheriff by Eric Clapton. There you go. Good call. Let's do this. Better version.

Eric Clapton or Bob Marley. In my world Both of them are so fucking good It doesn't even matter You know what I'm saying It's like all along the Watchtower Both versions This is Dan from Bray

You know Dan from Irvine Sure I'm doing a podcast But I'm coming down there With three Jews And a fucking And a clerk A cock sucker

We're counting chairs Put it on speaker You know I love you brother I heard With ticket sales are good Will I see you tonight I'll see you there My friend

Thank you for the call I love you Bye Bye Bye, buddy. Looking good for Brea. I like it. Irvine. Irvine or Brea?

Oh, shit. Kick that motherfucking horse lead. Yeah, these British guys dug the reggae. The stones, they love reggae, because they had Jamaicans in London. So these guys are playing rock, and they're throwing some little upstroke reggae sound in there. Somebody told me that's what reggae guitar playing is. You don't hit it on the downstroke, you hit on the upstroke.

Well, what? don't know. Are you kidding me? Oh shit. Every time. And when I plant the sea, he said, give it before. Oh, shit, Lee.

Taking you deep in the fucking murky water is Eric Clapton. Now, we're living in some weird times, my friend. Yes, we are. But we got kids. So you got no choice. You got to say, we're going to make it work. We get through it. I had a situation last night,

I wanted to get your input on it. I went to see the movie, and I got a little bit high, and right as the movie started, Paul said she got hit with like an M&M. And I was like, what? Who's that, your girl? Yeah. We looked back and we didn't see anybody. I was like, you okay?

She's like, I'm okay. I was like, okay. And then like, three quarters of the way through, another one came down. It didn't hit anything. And I was a little high, but I was like, shut up. I wanted to get up and do something. and then I was like, I don't get overconfident.

I don't want to be like, I'm going to punch somebody and then what if they have a weapon? What if there's three of them? Yeah, so like, I didn't know if they kept doing it, I was going to have to do it, but they didn't do it again

and when the movie was over, they were gone. Do you know who it was? No, but there's no one there behind us. There's no one in the movie. So who gets the fuck you? What are you kidding? You bent over and picked it up. Cocksucker.

And ate that motherfucker and said, this is like Jesus is loving me. Who the fucking are you kidding? You ate that, I got him and a let me know if it happens again. You picked that fucking M up

and you're like fucking G. You were like that kid in the animal house when he was jerking off to Playboy and all of a chick shot through his window and he looks at him and goes, thanks God. Fucking classic scene. Thanks God.

And the girls just drunk enough to fuck him anyway. She was going to close. Put the video on the Animal House March. The kid whacking off the Playboy. Oh my God. You forgot about that. I forgot about that.

Let me tell you the brilliance of that movie. That once she lands in, what's the next scene? Is Kevin Bacon going, stop, stop. And they run them over, and they show Kevin Bacon in the floor. Oh, right. Oh, my God. You understand comedy, brilliant? Which nobody really does no more to film.

They didn't get you with just a fucking hook. They got you with a straight one. Because when Kevin Hook, when Kevin Bacon gets run over, you fucking die left. You're like, you're stoned. You're a kid. You don't know better. You just fucking fall out. Then later on you're like, it wasn't that funny.

But little shit like that. I remember like the cake float that they built? Yes. What did it say on the side of it? Eat me. Eat me. It said eat me. Like, you didn't need that.

But it was there. Oh my God, they have it. No, they don't. A little bit of extra. No, they don't have it. Is that the one you're trying to? Let me see. Let's see.

Oh, my God. No, no, no. They don't. Yeah. He's not even in his own. He's in his dad's room. Look at the music on to. Put the sound on to.

Thank you, God. One more time. One more time, Daddy. Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Oh, my God. He's going to tear that up. Oh, my God.

That kid is going to tear it up. That is one of the funniest fucking thing. In his dad's room. Not even his own. He's going to spunk one out right where his mother sleeps. He doesn't give a shit. That's where the match. magazine is.

That is real comedy, ladies and gentlemen. What you're seeing today is bullshit. Who wrote that? Animal House was written by What's his name? Don't tell me Ramos. Don't even tell me that.

Yeah, Harold Ramos. Who wrote Animal House, Lee? I think it was produced by Is it John Landis? Yeah, that whole team. But was it really Ramos who wrote that? Okay, here we go. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't think I'm just going to All right So it's produced by Wrightman and Simmons Oh right And then what do you want you want to see Who is written It's right up on top

To be on top, Leigh Jesus Christ Lee Don't make me stuck There we go Yeah, Ramos, Kearney and Miller Fucking hell Ramis

No, not on board Me? Yeah Oh he's saying he's great He was my hero He's my hero Fuck yeah They didn't put him

I'm not live. And he said, okay, watch my heat, bitch. Yeah. Watch this. Watch this. Ain't no world. Ain't no worry. You don't like me.

It's okay. You like all my friends. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But you don't like me. Okay. My feelings ain't hurt. But watch what I'm going to give you.

I'm going to give you this. I'm going to give you stripes. Yeah. And then just out of respect, let me drop ghost busters on you. How do you like me now, motherfucker? Yeah. And I'm going to steal your cast. And I'm going to steal your cast.

And guess what else? I don't have to give you 50. it sounded the take like the rest of these suckers have to. Right. How's that for you? Yeah. Right.

What else did? See what else, Ramos. Was he Groundhog Day? You know, I got to work with him. I'm right. Talk to him for 12 hours. Wow. Analyze that.

He was Groundhog Day. Analyze that. Crownhog Day should have got an Oscar if it didn't. Do you want to see? I doubt it did. Writing or directing? What do you want to see?

Writing. Writing. Okay. Still got the picture on my built on my wall. That's awesome. I fucking loved it. Opens up with Animal House.

First movie. Delta House, SCTV, then goes with meatballs, followed by Caddyshack, followed by stripes. Oh my God, from 1979 to 81.

Can you believe that? Meatballs, Caddyshack, stripes. Damn. They have to pay him. You know those people that I love Fitzsimmons. You know,

I love about Fitzsimmons, he's non-threatening, but he makes me fucking laugh like a killer. Nothing I like more than when white fucking people got hard. Irish, that's a complete different type of white people. But when I see a white dude, like Tom Easter, if I have a problem, I'll call Tom Easton, and I'm going to die, but they're going to die with me. We're going to die with our hands held because that's their nature. They don't know no better. They don't know.

Irish, they don't know no better. What? They said, what? Let's go down there. Next thing you know, you're getting stitches and they're in the hospital. I love you, man. The fuck, I got 18 stitches. I lost a leg.

And what happened exactly? Why are we here? Because my sister, the guy called him a stupid cunt. And now I got no leg. I got a roller skate. I got a hang out like the terrace, the Australian. dude who killed his girlfriend. What's the name?

Pinsaris. Pretorius. Pretoria. Pretoria is whatever's fucking name is. Yeah, you're going to have to shoot your girlfriend. Yeah, there's just some fucking people. And Harold Ramers had that. Like, I went down, I fucking hate Latino auditions.

Auditions? Auditions. Oh, auditions. There's nothing bothering anymore when an agent called me and says, hey, I have a 430 for you. When they don't tell me what the project is and they say, I'll send them over to you. Bye. That's always a by the way.

Characters is always named Rodriguez or Garcia. And I look at the fucking role and it's for some two Spanish thugs. And I read it and you ever read something and as you're reading it, you know it's Lewis Guzman? Yeah. Like as you're reading it, you know who this is. You already know who this is. The offer's already out to him. They're just getting you for safety.

They have a star attached. know who's already attached to the film. And you look at the role, and in my heart, I'm like, a hector and something else. And I go, you know what, I'm not going in for this fucking audition. It was the one about the fucking dude who was the host of the gong show, who was also a CIA agent. Remember that movie?

Yeah, that was a good movie. Yes. It was Louis Guzman, and that wasn't it? See, as I'm telling you, as I read the fucking thing in those days, I can see the casting. And you know what? I look at the address. It's Beverly Hills.

Those places in those days, they give you a water. They treat you like a white person. They vowed that you're parking. Yeah. I can let me go down there. It's like December 6th or something like that. Right around this time. Pearl Harbor.

And I go in there because I remember Christmas stuff was up. And I remember going to there. You ever go to an audition? There's 80 fucking animals. No. my time was 3.30. And when I got there, 3.30, something came out. Did they offer you water?

Would you like a newspaper? You know, it was that type of office. I walk in. This lady, I read for him. Before I go in, I go, listen, I don't know why he sent me for us. She was, I'm looking at all of authenticity. Forget this because it's an ambiguous role, they tell you it. I read for it.

And she tells me at the end, she goes, it was a really good read, man. She goes, listen, I'm not going to lie to you. They got an offer on me. You know, right? Yeah. She goes, listen, my next movie is you. Keep me posted. Keep in touch with me.

And I got something for you. She told me right out. Very sweetly. And that's exactly what it did. I sent her a thank you note for that. I sent her a Christmas card. Then I shot this thing called the Mezos. The Mezos is why big pussy left the Sopranos.

He was going to ABC to shoot the Mezzos. The Mezos was about two gay mobsters that had a theater in the Pink Pussy Cat in West Hollywood. Yeah. And they had collected money. So it was going to be two gay guys that were bears. Yeah. Those bear-type gay guys.

So they were brothers, but they were bear. They're both gay. But they weren't going to be gay. The show was going to be on the theme, on the thin edge. Yeah. But after Pussy Quit the Sopranos, everything went downhill. ABC candid, but the guy still owned it. And Fox, the little Fox back then.

Now it's Fox 21, Fox 24, Fox Hindu. Now they got a Fox very. thing. In those days it was Fox and a little fucking Fox. So the Fox search lab. Fox Search Lab. Foxx. Yes. We'll do the fucking project. Perfect.

We shot it in January. I booked it. It was a two weeks short film, whatever. They took it to all these gay festivals. Did fantastic. I sent her a reel. She calls me back. She goes, this I want you to come in New York and read for this. We'll send you a plane ticket. Come to New York. In those days, they were still

fucking cool. This is 2000. Flying in for an audition. Flying in for an audition. No hotel. Which I don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? I take the free ticket. I don't know nothing in those days, Greg Fitzs Simmons. I know nothing about nothing. Okay.

And finally I asked my agent to send me everything and he sends me the film who the fucking who's in it, who wrote it and it was Harold Ramos. And every piece of of sperm came out of my asshole and everything.

I said, if I booked this, I could talk so much shit. Yeah. I got everybody in because nobody works at this fucking, this is the true mark of a comic. When in there, red, brother, they fucking called me and gave it to me. Right away? Oh, no. It took about a month.

They tormented me. Yeah. And you know how it says shoot date, April 24th? I snapped by the 29 and just picked up the phone and called the casting director. What is the meaning of this? And I like Joey, hold on. Susie Farris, who today is a big timer here in town. At that time, she was an assistant for this lady in New York.

And she called me back. And she goes, you booked it. We'll send you this, this, this, and this. And dog, I tell you what, I even stopped doing blow for a week before that. Good for you. Which was a lot in those days. I'm not going to lie, it was like four days. Four days.

Four fucking days I quit doing blow before I went in with that guy. He was everything I wanted him to be. You know, who the fuck am I? I could lie to you guys and tell you. He was everything I wanted him to be as a director. I don't even know if the director was. A director to me as a guy who sits with you and teaches you something and you learn something. And he was very good to me that day, but it wasn't until they shot the other side.

And I had his ear for two hours, just him and me in New Jersey, where you're from? You were smoked dope. And all of a sudden I started to ask him about what happened. and he told me Montreal Comedy Festival so they could suck my dick. He just started telling me the things that didn't matter. Yeah. He just broke him down for me as a comic.

What doesn't matter and what matters? Everything else is bullshit. He goes, so what? The guy didn't want to work with me. It was his fucking loss. Now look at me. You know what I'm saying? I'm living like a fucking doctor.

And I left that set a different person. Yeah. Because he lifted me. It's like when you go to a fucking comedy store, Greg, It's not like going to the West Side Comedy Jam where you follow eight guys that are bringing four people. You know?

Yeah. When you go to a comedy store, Sebastian's in front of you, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So right off the bat, you lift up. You lift up a little bit. You go from being a yellow belt

to a fucking brown belt. Now, all of a sudden, nobody's got to give you a belt or nothing. Yeah. In my mind, in my mind, the same thing had happened to me by working with him.

Like now, after that, I started booking shit like a man, man. Yeah. I book Spider-Man, too. American Gang. the longest short, just from the confidence that he gave me that day. He's like, listen, nobody likes me. Who gives the fuck?

He said that? Yeah, oh, yeah. He was cool as shit. Yeah, he didn't give a shit that people didn't like him. That's, that's the, every really successful person that I meet out here in Hollywood doesn't fucking care. They date, they date women with big tits and fake lips and, you know, and they're, you know, they're, you know, 62 and she's 24.

They don't give a shit how it looks. They don't care how they talk to people. You know, I'm not saying in a bad way or a good way. It's just a thing I've found is that to get that powerful, you have to truly not give a shit. Now, there's two schools of thought, and this is what got me here with you. I was always the same thing I didn't give a fuck,

but it was half routine and half. I really didn't give a fuck because, and I was thinking about this today, how I look at my daughter, who's two, is three years old. And she's not, I don't want to say this without signing creepy. She's a virgin of life.

Right now when I pick her out, she's his daddy and I pick her out and she always has a good day. But someday something happens that changes them. That's why I don't like fucking dogs around my kids. That's the reason I don't want a fucking dog around you. I know you get pit bulls grade and you've saved them from a fire. Listen, that's great. But these motherfuckers snap eventually.

Especially when they're a, around little kids because little kids are like another dog to them because these these little children when they're that young you could crack them at that age it's not the same and even if they don't snap pimples are just really strong dogs yeah or whatever it's not the the point is that you know it's like even when they get into their first pushing match at school it affects them you know if a kid hits them it affects them like when I was a fucked up my dad died when I was three and I walked around like a momo for two years. I played hooky one day.

I got hitting the head with a fucking flashlight, and it snapped me out of who. That's who I am today, the guy that, you know, I got hit in the head with a thermos. I got into a fistfight and I got hit with a head in the thermos. Until today, I think to that. Like that, woke me up. How old were you?

Sixth grade. Not even played hookie. Went to get a hot dog, whatever. Got hit. That hit in the head, seeing my own blood, knowing that that could happen now makes a different. person out of you. You know, I was sitting there going, when is it going to happen to mercy?

Like, well, kids are going to push it down and hurt a feelings? You know, it starts with something like that. I'm sure it's happening already. But it's so weird how when my mother died at that age, when you lose somebody close to you, and I was really Catholic, I really fucking believe. Listen, today I believe in God. I don't give a fuck with these assholes think. I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks.

God has worked for me. I don't know if he don't work for you. Maybe you're a piece of shit. But, you know, God has worked for me in many ways. I'll let you know when we have the time. If you want to sit with me, I'll let you know eight stories. How there's a God in my life. He could be Jewish.

He could be a fucking black dude. I don't know who the fuck he is, but there's somebody who's helped me. But when your mom gets taken away at an early age or your dad, and there's no explanation, you lose something, Greg. Yeah. And you lose that, I don't give a fuck. Now you become a selfish, I don't give a fuck.

For years, I was a selfish. I don't give a fuck. You know what? What'd you say, Greg? If I hit in the head with that fucking microphone, knock your fucking eye out. And those are the people who do knock an eye out do 30 years, and you live with a fucking eye pack for 30 years. Yeah.

You follow me? Senseless, senseless, senseless stupidity, you know? You know, eventually I met people and love was brought back into my life. and stuff like that, but I never really gave a fuck. You know, just being Spanish right there in a way, I could be one of those guys that the word speak bothers me. Or I just one day said it doesn't bother me. Not giving a fuck, it toughens your skin a little bit.

Yeah. We have tougher skin, you know? How many people have come to this town with great aspirations, Greg, that you came up with, came, they got a few nose, and they're back in Boston. I'm working at a bakery, and I'll tell you some story of them. You know how it is, Greg? We knocked up the wife.

Right. You know, real estate prices are cheaper. You know, I still go out and do an open mic night every other month when she gives me a Tuesday off. Or writers that you came out with that had big aspirations and the script got shot down. Yeah, yeah. It was the ones that got angry about it and said, like Ramis said, I'll show you. I'll show you, you know. And what's up, Lee?

Your eyes all red. You want another than haler? Is the asthma coming back? You know what? I think the asthma might be coming back, Joey. I'm writing that down. That's my next album. I'll show you.

Let me give some shout-outs to some people here. Gordon Warnock, fucking my main man, Tanna McLeave, Mr. Luhan, James Edward Trulls, always been around for us. Emily Teller, Brandy Lynn, I love you. You know,

happy fucking Thanksgiving with your family, your boyfriend, everybody up there. Roger Kelly and LLL, LLL, no, 101 host. You never showed up with my host of, Sucker, you're slipping. You're slipping. Where you're at this weekend, Greg? I'm going to be December 9th. I'm going to be in Oklahoma snow. December 9th, I'm at the comedy store in L.A. doing my 500th episode of Fitzdog Radio. Joe Rogan's going to hang out

with me for a little bit. We're going to shoot the shit, talk about 500, go back over each one for an hour. So that's December 9th. And then I'm in Oklahoma City at a place, I think at the Oklahoma something. Which, by the way, is a fucking tremendous room. Oh, really? Tremendous people. Tremendous fucking hotel. It's a fucking room filled with savages.

No shit. Savages. I went and loved every fucking minute. I'm looking to go back next year. Tremendous fucking room. Savages. That's awesome. They cheer.

They jump up and down. You could get dirty with them. Fucking, they take the ride. Beautiful. Fuck the Bible Belt. Yeah. Beautiful. I hadn't heard anything about the room.

I'm sight. All right, so we got that. And then we've got New Year's Eve in Portland, Oregon at the Helium Comedy Club. More fucking savages, who I love. Last time I went up there, came back with a pound and a half of fucking refa, liquid acid. Oh, yeah, it's legal, right? D-N-P. I came back with everything, my sugar and a juice.

I came back with fucking, and right downstairs, they got a beautiful medical marijuana store named Farmer. Yeah. F-A-R-M-A. Okay. Fucking great people. Go downstairs, say hello. they got every You don't need a license

You don't need anything Nothing you need your driver's license Tell them fucking Uncle Joey sent you I don't know nothing about no Who's Uncle Joey? Don't worry It's like white powder of my I don't know nothing

Tell them Uncle Joey Sent you And then they say Who's Uncle Joey And then you say Nevermind I remember one time You don't need to know about it

When I was 12 Wasn't the question When I was That's it That's it And they'd say Well why did you tell me Uncle Joey

Sent you If you don't want to tell me You know And then you've been panic attack because you're stoned and you run out. Somebody bumped into me. I was at, what's the coffee shop? Dunkin' Donuts? Starbucks.

Coffee being a tea leaf. And we're sitting at mine own business. And he was talking about me and he goes, you know, he goes, so listen. I listen to the podcast. And he goes, you remind me my uncle Vito, you know, you can never get a fucking straight answer out of them. You know, never. It was always, and it's not that they're bad guys. Yeah.

And it's like that scene. That's how I was raised. The perfect scene, when I was a kid, we would get raided all the time. My mom had a bookmaking joint. Right. So every Saturday, I worked a bookmaking. But part of my job was look out. You look at cars who sit in the car.

Why is that car there? Why is that dude there? You just want to have photographed scenarios and who's out of place. Those old school neighborhoods, it's not who's there. It's who's out of place. Yeah. That dude wasn't there last week. And those neighbors, they're old school spicks and, you know, black people and Chinese and white Irish people.

They don't move. That's their spot. That's been their spot for 30 fucking years. Yeah. How many bars do you go to in Boston? That's Mel's chair. Who the fuck is Mel? Mel's been coming there.

Don't be in that chair at 505 when Mel comes in here. Mel's been sitting in that sitting. It's something about who we are. So you learn to see not who's there, but who's out of place. Right. So I used to work at this place, and I remember that the cops would tell you when they were going to come to raid you. So instead of you having $10,000, have $1,400, let us take something in. You know what I'm saying?

And in those days, a lot of people don't know this. Bookmaking is a ticket in New York City. It's a felony in New Jersey. I think it's a ticket in New York City. They give you a ticket. They give you a fine. They take $400 off the table, whatever. But it's so weird how you learn how the lingo.

because everything you say is used against you. Everything you say is used against you. A lot of people don't realize that shit. There's one cop that's sitting, and there's one cops that's listening. As soon as you get in the car while you're sitting there where your hand comes on, he's writing something. What the fuck do you think he's writing? What the fuck you just said?

Remembering Goodfellas when he pinches the kid on the street selling cigarettes? Yeah. What's he say to him? It's all right. Yeah. It's all right. Come on, kid. Who's it?

It's all right. It's going to be okay. It's all right. He didn't say his name, who he was with. That's it. It's amazing how many times I got arrested. And I would throw them the fuck off with like a couple fucking words because they weren't used to that shit. Yeah.

They were used to people talking. And you're still talking, but you ain't saying nothing. It drives people fucking nuts. So what do you do? It's like jujitsu. It's like verbal jiu-jitsu. You're not committing your weight in any one direction. You're balanced.

You're right in the center. You're in your own weight. And then you can go any direction any time. What are you doing for Thanksgiving, Lee? You still didn't bring the fucking turkey over, did you? No. They're going to eat chickens. Yes.

That's what you want for Thanksgiving? Sure. What the fuck is wrong with it? Chicken. This is why I got to do it. it. Who the fucking is chicken on Thanksgiving? What I said to him was, instead of being rude, Rouse gives you a fucking turkey

if you spend over 50 bucks. Free turkey. This fucking mulash, I go, get the fucking turkey. Bring it over and say, they gave it to me. I can't do nothing with it, Ma. Why don't you make it for Thanksgiving? Very innocently, he can't even fucking sell that. Now he's stuck eating chicken like a fucking white dude at Boston market.

They have a family thing they do. Who does the fuck with the family thing? You're the new white fucking son. Yeah, right. Change the rules. So you got to set the market and force it. So next year, I'll do it. This is, man, there ain't going to be no next year.

You're fucking this year. Today. You got 24 hours to prepare. Tonight, go over there with the fucking turkey and go, I just got this at Rouse. I can't do nothing with it. Let's fucking cook it up. And she's fucking Mexican. They love that shit.

Tell you take those chickens down to the laugh factory. Give them the homeless people. Yeah. Give those birds. They're pigeons from El Barrio. Give those fucking things away. Eat turkey. It's a family thing.

Who gives a fuck? So it was fucking cancer. You know what I'm saying? It's a family fucking thing, too. He just called your dinner, cancer. Yeah, a chicken. A chicken is something on the side. You know what I'm saying?

Chicken is the thing you have the night before that. Yeah, come on. You've had some dry ass turkey. I'm having Mexican chicken covered in bacon with salsa verde. It's fucking delicious. So you're selling your fucking everything you got American. for some chicken with bacon and sounds like a birdie. These people who eat fish, it doesn't matter.

There's fucking generation. I have turkey at some point, doesn't matter. You got to have it tomorrow. First meal up, dog. That's tradition. Because it's a Thursday. Jews fucking came over here to have a better life, not for you to eat a fucking chicken with bacon on it.

You understand me? It is. It's insulting to everybody. It's insulting to everybody. Now, I understand it's a tradition. You know what my tradition is on fucking tank? Thanksgiving Day, having somebody lick my asshole with a Coke rock in it. That's my tradition.

I wish I could do that for Thanksgiving, just going to, what's it, happy baby yoga position and have a hot Chinese chick come over and just put little rocks in my asshole and suck it and jerk my fucking dick off. That's my tradition. I would love to do that for Thanksgiving. You think I want to hang out with white people and pray and hear boring fucking stories? But guess what? You got to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving.

So don't offend me no more, right? when you leave here, go over to fucking and just buy one and bring one over there and go, listen, they gave me this. What do you want me to do? So just for the record, Lee, you eating chicken on Thanksgiving is cancer. It's cancer.

You eating turkey on Thanksgiving is a Coke rock in your assail while an Asian girl eats it out and jerks you off. That's what you want on Thanksgiving. Not even close. Not even close experiences. That's my fucking decision. I wasn't going to tell this story, but it kind of matches up now.

You had Joey on your podcast and radio show a couple years ago and you had me on and I think about this all the time you ask me a question that I think about constantly he said what's the hardest part about working with Joey Diaz and I said something stupid it's all fun and I was like that this part is the hardest part and I'm about me telling you the truth what is the fucking truth chicken who cares Who cares? It's chicken. It's not about what you eat.

There's families who eat, whatever. 2,000 years ago, these fucking white momos were hanging out of their own business with these fucking hats on, these fucking little suits on, like the Jackson's in the 60s with tights on.

And they had nothing. Some people had corn. Some people had whatever the fucking that had a turkey. Some people had nays. Some people had bread. And also, So, boom, the horizon, they saw some Indians. And I wonder any other fucking day of the week,

I'd have to stab those motherfuckers. But these guys, they seem like friendly people. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you shoot a black guy, like that fucking dude in Chicago. How many times you shoot that poor? 14. In the back.

Jesus Christ. Unfulculable. He's going to die in that. Oh, he's going to die in jail. And they said, fuck it. You want to come over and he? And the fucking. And people say, well, we got some of this and we got some of that.

Well, what can we get? Can we get a fucking chicken or a pigeon? They said, no, it's not enough for all of us. But if we make a few turkeys, all 30 of us could fucking eat. And all of a sudden, every year, people started fucking doing their turkeys. You follow me? It was a thousand years ago. Whatever the fuck had happened.

I'm not good with dates. The point of the story is, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something about my world. One of my tithiest friends in the world's a girl by name is Stacy Pokaloo. Do you know who Stacey Buccalo? No. She's a comedy publicist. I love Stacey very much.

I went to a house one year, which was already a taboo, because she had Thanksgiving at 6 o'clock. That's always a bad sign. I'm a pot smoker. Get that turkey ready by two. Three, the fucking latest. And I'm talking, that turkey better be fucking sliced at three.

Don't bring it to the table at 3. I got to eat fucking potatoes and bread. I have a fucking kidnip shit. Two is two. Two o'clock because you're going to take another pass at it. There's a rematch at around 10 o'clock at night. And whose world is that? You're talking about 7 o'clock.

I'm talking about 5.15. Yeah. You know, if you eat it too, you're making a fucking turkey on Wonderbread by 5 o'clock and you're on my room. Because I'm getting you high. Right or wrong. After that turkey. Are you smoking between courses? I'm smoking all day tomorrow on Periscope.

I might even go to church tomorrow morning and smoke right now. in front of fucking church on Periscope just to let these motherfuckers know how it's done. I love... Anyway, back to Stacey Boccalo. I waited, I held that all fucking day, and I went up there at six. For starters, she gave me

fucking box mashed potatoes. That was the worst mashed potatoes I ever had in my life. If anybody knows me and anybody knows anything about me, I'm so sensitive that I was drawn to tears, and I'm not ashamed to say this. I was very upset that I was so upset that I got home, went to bed, and my wife woke me at 3 in the morning. She said she knew how upset I was, that she made a turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing.

And I got up, took a shower, drank coffee, smoked a joint, and ate turkey till 6 in the morning. That's because my wife. Your wife did that for you? That's how serious she was. That's beautiful. The moral of the story was I didn't talk to Stacey for a fucking month. She kept calling me. She didn't know why.

And one another had to say, you know why, Stacey? Because you made the worst mashed potatoes I've ever had in my life on Thanksgiving night. Wow. And out of all the nights to make a fucking bad mashed potato, it's not that fucking night, okay? If you don't know something, don't fucking do it. Call somebody who does know. It's Thanksgiving. Don't fuck nothing up.

So I take Thanksgiving very fucking personally. No, I did. It's not that I'm going off on you. So please, don't even stand another word. No, no, no. Please. Once we leave here, go to Ross and get a chicken, please. A turkey.

And bring it over there tonight. unannounced unannounced ring the fucking bell go upstairs and go mom I love you you're not going to believe what happened and get some flowers too go for the fucking small 50

and stop being a fuckhead all your life let's put our foot down now so everybody knows that least I had exist before you become that white fucking son-in-law on the corner and nobody talks and you're like to get the and you got the hiv go over there tonight

get the fucking turkey and the fucking flowers and you bring them over to the mom and say, Mom, happy Thanksgiving. Some real fucking potatoes. Just so there's no misunderstandings. And you go, here, they gave me this at Rout. I'm fucking embarrassed.

But it doesn't fit in my freezing. I don't know what to do with it. Why don't you make it tomorrow? Give her a kiss and walk out. Don't say what you... Say, why don't you make it tomorrow and kiss it and turn around and walk away? And when you get there tomorrow at 2 o'clock, you bet your ass don't be a fucking turkey there.

It'll be a chicken and it's a bacon. You never ask. You assume the clothes. She's Spanish. They love cooking. Bring the fucking turkey over there, Lee. Is it not you're going to upset me very much. Not as much as yesterday when you went to fucking subway after a nice workout we had.

Subway bad? So it's more low fat than McDonald's. This fucking guy did a tremendous kettlebell workout. Did you? He was swinging 61 fucking pounds. I didn't even pick up 61 pounds yesterday. For how long? Fucking for an hour.

We go every Tuesday. Do you do a row? as well or is it just just weights dog we do fucking we were in the middle of a 10 for 15 we do 10 for 15 kettle bells then we do cleans we did squats yesterday sometimes we do the ropes but I go there every Tuesday but I have kettle bells in my trunk and then I do it one day in front of the house yeah then when I go on the road Friday and side I just lift weights in the hotel there with some dumbbells in the elliptical so yeah that's what I try to do and then I go to one or two jiu jihis

tomorrow we're going to jit-you take and late yeah I've been doing for a few months No shit. Lee's going on competition next week. That's how balls do this motherfucker is. Really? Yeah, and then I'm taking them Saturday at 1 o'clock to Higgins. We're going to Higgins, we're going to Higgins. We're going to take you to Higgins, bring you a guy to Sanibel,

and my cousins in town, Julio Rodriguez, he's teaching at Higgins. At 11 o'clock on Saturday. Let's go down there. Fuck, yeah, Lee. You're getting ready, dog. This is it, motherfucker. Okay. Let's do it.

He sounds enthused. He loves, you know, once he gets there, bro. He's good. Is he an animal? Oh, listen, he's got this foot. He inherited. See, those Jews from Orshwoods? Yeah.

Over the years, what's the thing that they got in their systems? The chromosome, whatever the fuck they got. Anyway, that's what they got. The Thai sacks or whatever? The fucking foot. He's got a foot. He's heavy and short.

So it's not like Joe Diaz laying on you, that I could roll you like a fucking bowling bitch. You can't roll you at all. You're heavy as fucking. Don't be saying that shit. You threw me off you the other day, Cox. No, I know. He just gasses out because instead of pulling me down, he wants the fucking judo throw me.

And then he pulls up that little alligator foot of his, you know. What do you mean? What kind of foot? Like a claw? No, no, no. Like, we both start on our knees. Yeah. We're both even.

But if he gets on his fucking feet, he says, my height. It's hysterical. Oh, right. So to tip me over, he picks up that little Jew club and he fucking throws me down because he's got the strength of 10 fucking Hercules. Does he? Look at him. And he wrestled in high school. He's one of these.

guys that's uh he's he doesn't know he has no fucking idea what he's doing yeah every time i'm wrestling all you hear is me going because every time he moves one day i had him in a half guard he stuck his foot they jewish people the club from orschwitz i didn't know this about

the jewish what do they got chromosomes not the how do they get people DNA right they got good DNA in their feet and they fucking open heat when his feet go down on you they cut you nobody has ever broken my I had a fucking purple thing inside my thigh.

Yeah? Lee. Holy shit, I would have never guessed it. But I got to drag him. No offense. You don't look like today like an athlete. No, this is the first time

I've worked out in my life. Lee, I got to drag him because if I don't drag him, once he gets there, he's Johnny Hercules. Yeah. Like the other day, I'm watching him. He starts swinging the 61 pounds,

and this is what I like about people. There's some people that you got to take to the dance. I want to take to the, you know, it's like these guys. I say, well, she's not going to suck my dick. I'm thinking for the state. dinner. You never know. You give it a steak, give her the tiramisu, a glass of white wine. She might have a different tune. You know what I'm saying? They never want to suck dick.

Somebody got to talk them into it. No woman woke up one morning and said, you know what, today I want to suck a dick. Every woman had to get talked into, sucking that first dick. Who do you think? And then, you know, I had a guy, a friend of mine in high school told me this, that he dated a girl for four years until college. She never sucked his dick. And she married his friend And they got divorced years later And he asked him How good was Lisa's blow job? And he's like, what are you talking about?

She wouldn't do it. He goes, what are you kidding me? I had her blowing me fucking everywhere In cars, eat my ass. It's like that girl that everybody fucks in high school But she won't fuck you. I had that girl. We all had it.

Yeah. You took a home. She was fucking everybody except me. I was a friend. You busted out the wine glass, your father's wine glass. And they're like, oh, no, I'm not that type of girl. And you play it along for a while.

Right. Until the end of the night, when she's heading out. You know what? You're a fucking whore. Everybody fucked in the ass, you dirty bitch. Get out of my eyes. I'm not going to go to...

Who gives a fuck? Welcome to the Thanksgiving podcast. With Uncle Joey. Lot to be thankful for. A lot to be fucking thankful for. Don't forget that turkey, cocksucker. Remember that song?

Ricky don't lose my number. Ricky, don't forget about me. Bring the turkey over. You got to set your mark and enforce it. You don't want to be the third son in the back of the room I'm like a fucking Mameluke. I'm not, but I'm not going to bring a turkey over there.

You live near your mom? No, she lives in Boston. Oh, so she's in town? No, his mother-in-law. Oh, his mother-in-law. Is she lives nearby? Yeah, they're Spanish. They love to fucking cook.

There's four of them. They're going to make chickens. How many chickens you're going to make? Bring a fucking turkey over and get the party started. Why are you so scared? I'm not scared. Yes, you are. This is not about, I don't like turkey.

You eat a scab off a fucking foot. You eat turkey from fucking subway. Yeah. That means you'll eat anything. Yeah. Right. So stop it. Don't say that.

I don't like to eat turkey because it's dry. All of a sudden, now you're trying to throw a dry fucking thing. Grab a leg. Grab a leg. You eat fucking turkey every day. Stop bullshit me. Turkey's fine. You got to set your mark and force it.

Oh, bro, what? What? I had a lot of things. I didn't have anybody to have it with. Now I'm having it with this girl that I've been dating for two and a half years. I don't give a shit. I really. don't. I don't care. I'll eat turkey at some point or maybe I won't.

This poor fucking... It doesn't matter to me. Can you believe this fucking... Why do... Why does turkey matter? Because it matters. You gotta have it. It's fucking America. It's America Lee. You gotta set your mark and enforce it. That's it. They're gonna eat chicken every fucking year. You gotta bring a turkey or she's gonna cook anywhere. She's a great cook. She loves to cook. Bring the fucking turkey over there and set the... the rules for next year. You believe what I got to do it?

Yeah, but doesn't it take like eight hours? It takes like eight hours. You set it up in the morning. It's not eight. It's maybe six hours. They love all that shit. You throw it in the morning and it's a whole day together. It's not just about eating the turkey.

It's about the process. You stuff it. You clean it. You tie its little fucking legs together. And then you wait and the house starts to smell like turkey. And you watch some football. You fuck around with your girlfriend in the other room for a little while. Whatever it takes.

I know you're going to get high. And you're just going to keep smelling. that turkey as you get high and hungry and then that shit comes out and it's got wet stuffing coming out of its pussy and you eat that and you get some real mashed potatoes and you get some sweet potatoes

and you put gravy on all of it and then you just say this is a lot to be thankful for I also want to thank my man Dante Garzini for the beautiful cards Savage Dad I can mail these out to all my prison friends. I have a prison

pen pal. taking one of those home with me it's going on the fridge I need you to sign it you to write a note on it you want me to write happy holidays to my main Irish something from the heart

absolutely it's a beautiful picture of Joey you can see the love something about pictures of people from behind is they're walking hand in hand that doesn't that doesn't get tired I love that

I got a nice picture my wife my two kids holding both their hands walking away it's one of my favorite pictures I got to get out the cards Because Joey, you reminded me That you got to send those fucking cards out to people

You know I sent it out to family And they were all touched friends Sometimes you don't talk to a friend all year But they get that card from you And it's like you're still in touch Listen, a card or letter It says a lot

Yeah It says you took the time You gotta lick the fucking stamp Right How many people even have a fucking stamp In their house Stamps.com People don't have stamps

No one of you know what I'm saying you've got a lick I love writing that due letters in jail like I don't write them every week but I wrote them for Thanksgiving to keep his chin up you know it's so weird how when you're locked up

you're like oh this is gonna be the worst week of my life you know what my Thanksgiving in prison was fucking tremendous because it was no bullshit yeah stow top mashed potatoes and white turkey I'm in I don't want no more

I don't want nothing once I go to your house and I see walnuts and grape nuts and I got this recipe from the pilgrims, cactus and octopus blood and the stuffing. I got to go. That's why I have my wife make that early. So when we go out tomorrow night, there's

no misunderstanding. She's always out of people's houses. They want, don't we put pork jobs? One year we went from somebody's house. They put a turkey with a fucking pig in a fucking lizard's ass. What do they do? That's a Dunkin? Oh, yeah. They put a fucking char. They put a duck

in a fucking turkey with sausage. And I saw that dark meat from the duck oh my god i had that's the day that's the year i cried that was the worst i'm telling i didn't talk to stacey for eight months dog eight months i had a thanksgiving with some friends we usually do family and we did a friend's thing this year and we go over there and i bring two turkeys you go to ralphs i got my two turkeys i spent 50 bucks one time i went back the next day spent 50 by i got two turkeys bring them over the house stick them in the oven we spend the day together they serve the meal too much food there's not not that many people show up

There's an untouched turkey at the end of the meal. We go to leave and we're waiting for a plate. And they give us some mashed potatoes, some sweet potatoes, some Brussels sprouts. And I think there must be another plate because there's no turkey on here. And they didn't offer any turkey. They kept the turkey. Kept the whole fucking thing. Sent us home with nothing.

And I didn't talk to that guy for a little while. Fucking savages. So that was the guy from Irvine. Yeah. The general manager, his name is Dan. He used to run Brayette. Yeah, he's back and forth now. But it's hysterical.

Ever since we've been going with this deal back and forth, I kept telling him, listen, I don't want no fucking drum. I'm showing up with two Jews with calculators that night to count the chairs. You guys say there's 500 chairs in there, but there's really 5801. And that one, that's 20 fucking, you know what I'm saying? They don't understand. People don't understand. You know, so this morning I called him.

I'm like, not only do I have one, I got three Jews going down there. It's like a fucking three camera shoot, you know what I'm saying? I got clickers coming from everywhere, and those numbers better match up, cock sucker. He called back to say, I don't care if you have people with clickers down there, and now we got them sweating. We got the guy with the clicker down there. You got to do those fucking people. I did a club in Florida.

I won't say which club. And, yeah, the contract said 340. It was in maximum competitive. Because just so people know, we get paid bonuses when we hit sellouts. And the sellout then should be, according to the contract, 340 seats. That's what it says is the maximum in the room. I get there. The place is almost completely full.

They tell me the next end I didn't hit the bonus. I go, let's go count the chairs right now because I counted 435 chairs. You said 350. That's 85. You're telling me there was 85 empty chairs last night. and oh it starts fucking stuttering and yeah we don't have to count the chairs you know sometimes we had chairs when there's they were left over from last week give me the bonus and we're good so they gave me the bonus sure but can you imagine 80 fucking chairs they're trying to pretend

aren't there that's you guys know at home that it's not just a catwalk we show up there and they want to give you your money even at the end they give you fucking fake figures yeah that's why i'm bringing judeon night fucking my main fucking jewel with it You're coming down, Lee? Oh, yeah. He's got that fucking I am debt. I've got three clickers in my pocket. This motherfucker could see a penny under a carpet.

He's got three division. He just looks at the room and he closes his eyes and tells me a number. And he's five off. That's how good this motherfucker is. So you do stand up at all? You just hang out at the show. I don't really go to shows that often. I go to shows locally, but just do this, the podcast.

You're going to have a ride down to Irvine tonight, kids. It's going to be fun. Thanksgiving, I'm saying traffic-wise, Thanksgiving Wednesday, driving down the 405 at what, 6.30? 6.30. Can we take the 5? Is it possible? It doesn't matter what you take. You're staring at a fucking bumper. You're going to have your ways out, your ways app out, trying to tell you some magical route to take.

There's no way to take. Get in line. Listen, we got the vaporizer. We got the fucking. You put on Fitzdog Radio. Listen to a couple episodes. We got a full tank of gas. That's it.

We got a lot to talk about. Isn't that what he says? We got a half a tank of gas, a full pack of cigarettes. It's dark out, and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it. And we're on a mission from fucking God, Lisa. Let me do the sponsors and get the fuck out of you. That's it.

It's a beautiful fucking day, man. Amen. The bottom of the church is hard. I know Greg feels the same way. Happy Thanksgiving to everybody who watches the show. Who listens. We're thankful for you. We're thankful for you.

believe it or not. And I'll tell you what I'm thankful for. But I went to the gym this morning and I wore my Miandis. I don't know if you people know dick about Miandis, but let me break it down for you, all right? Meandis are these underwear that are as comfortable as can be. And I hate traditional white underwear. That's why I went to commando after years.

But once I established meandis, I went back to wearing underwear, especially when I go to the gym. Because when you usually go to Jiu-Jitsu and stuff, when you're wrestling, you're nuts. Your fucking nut pops out. And then you got to wrestle with a knot. You don't know how many times I squished my nut.

I don't need that aggravation in my life. I'm sick and tired of that white thing. You know, I want my, I want my fucking underwears to be comfy. I don't even know where to start, to be honest with you. But if you don't just want to wear underwear, you want to wear the world's most comfortable underwear. That's what Miondi's comes in, all right? Every pair of Miondi's is made with micro-mole-bos.

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long underwear. Buy some women's underwear. They got women's on. It's Saturday night. That's right. What do you care? You know, take a chance. They're soft.

They're probably comfortable. They're soft as hell. This is the best pair in the way you ever have. But don't fucking try, you know, whatever. Go to me on these.com right now. There's one on the off you. Right now for the holidays,

I'm going to give you 20% off your first order. Plus all the orders in U.S. and Canada, boom, on the cuff, on the arm. We even have a money back guaranteeing me on these. So if you don't live, love your first pair of Mionis, you get to keep them in a full repunt. Refund. I don't even know what repund is. Refund. So I'm sorry about that. So you have nothing to lose. Order before December 13th, and your Miondi's will arrive before Christmas. Again, order before the 13th and you'll get them

before Christmas. And for the first 20% of your first order are the world's most comfortable underwear is go to meandis.com slash joey. That's meondies.com. slash Joey, you're not going to be sorry. They're great underwear. Listen, last week I didn't tell you about this, but let me drop it on you right now. A lot of your people, you're fucking lonely, you're a half a month.

You don't know what to do with your life. You know, you work all fucking day. The last thing you want to do after work is go stand online. You know, you go to some fast food joint. And you've got to go home and cook some complicated meal, and it's expensive. Unhealthy takeout is even any better.

That's where a new service, Blue Apron comes. in. Blue Apron delivers farm fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your home, allowing you to create a healthy handcrafted meal without going to the grocery store. Bro, it comes right to your door. It's phenomenal. It comes in a box. It's refrigerated, and it's for less than $10. Blue Apron sends you fresh ingredients, perfectly proportioned. I mean, to the fucking thing. All you got to do is put them in there. It makes cooking more healthy, and it's easy and fun. No trips to the grocery store. No, you forgot this. I forgot

that nothing everything is in that box all right and you don't waste no time with unused ingredients plus you know how to cook who's better than you you want with specialty ingredients that are normally hard to find blue apron is perfect for date night you meet some chick at the mall you want to get it back to your place you want to seduce it fucking how do you want to get to a pants through food boom there you go it's perfect for a date night cooking with friends and they even they even offer family plans with kid friendly ingredients so if your kids are how to have you to have Half of Shmo, he's allergic to peanut. Fuck him.

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Let me tell you what they got next week. Fuck. They got They got Chilin. They got chili rub steak next week. They got crispy crap, catfish ramen. All right, that's what they got next week. The family plan, they got seed cod with garlic, ginger rice.

And they got, listen to this, pork chops with mustard, sweet potatoes with walnuts and blue cheese on them. I'm getting hungry. I'm telling you, Blue Apron, don't mess around. Each meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving. I'm not telling you this. And they don't send the same meal twice. So listen, I know you're busy, you're busy, you're buying shit food.

No more. They work around your schedule and dietary preferences and blue apron experts. Source only the best seasonal ingredients for incredible meals. Like I told you, who's better than you? When was the last time you cooked a chili rub steak? When was the last time you cook a seed cod with garlic ginger rice? Never.

So give it a shot. You're going to cook incredible meals and you'll be blown away by the quality and the freshness. Blue Apron, it's a better way to cook. I tell you what I'm going to do for you for Christmas. Uncle Jerry right now, I'm going to give you two meals on the arm for free. Gratiss, go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey. My treat, I'm telling you, two meals on me when you go to blue apron.com

slash Joey, all right? Also, on it, always on it. You're traveling. Shroom Tech immune. You want more conditioning when you do a row. or you want to breathe better. Shroom tech sport. You want to make a protein powder that doesn't, you know, you don't need 50 grams of protein. Your body can assimilate it.

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They have an array of great. things, but listen, who the fucking mind to tell you? Go to honor.com right now and take a look at the superb list of supplements they have available to you right now. That's honor.com. So again, happy Thanksgiving. I want to reach out

to Blue Apron and me on these and thank them for supporting the show and my main man, Reg Fitz for coming on and having a blast with us here. Thanks, brother. Happy holidays. That was a fucking blast of the show. I laughed my ass off today. I haven't laughed at a long fucking time. A real laughing.

That fake fucking TV shit, you people That fucking kid flying in the window An Animal House. Drop it on him, Lisa. This show is brought to you by Blue Airbrain. He sounds like he's in Pakistan giving a hostage message. Look at this fucking...

They get a rifle to his head. Say it. Say it infidel. Blue Earpren sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free, just go to

Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blueapron.com slash Joey. Look at the camera when you're talking. Take your time, Lee. Don't worry about nothing. We got all fucking night. We do. This is also brought to you by

meandies.com. Go to meandies.com slash Joey. I'm here under my own free will. I promise. How are you going to drive to Irvine? I'm not. You're going to be a Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. No, I'm not.

What I know is give me a 20-minute head start. I'm Captain Kirk of the Uber then. Okay. Go to meandies.com slash Joey and look at all their great. World's most comfortable underwear at meandies.com slash Joey. Every pair of meandies is made with micro-modal fabric, which doesn't sound sexy, but once you feel, you'll never go back to Old Underware again.

Did you just read all this? Yes. I don't know why he's doing this. I don't know. Why are you doing the whole thing? He just read it. Close the goddamn show. Will you for Christ's sake?

Okay. Take Miondi's, thank on it, and thank the other people. Let's buggy with Stu for Christ's fucking sake. Cool. You're lullabine these people of death. And get out of here and go get that turkey before 6 o'clock.

That's it. No more fucking around today. Rouse, bringing you Thanksgiving year after year. That's right. They give you a free turkey if you drop the short. 100 today. Go on there telling them.

Oh shit. Happy Thanksgiving, Coxellis. Didn't he just say that? Lee, the beauty of it was, he goes, didn't he just say that?

He goes, I don't know. Happy Thanksgiving.