The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #338 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 2, 2015

Bert Kreischer, Comedian and Host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10%discount at checkout. Recorded live on 12/02/2015. Music: The B-52's - Dr. Private Idaho The B-52's - Rock Lobster Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - A Woman in Love

She laughed at my face. This show is brought to you by Miandis. She blew a guy named Mace. Go to Meandis.com slash Joey right now to get 20% off of your first order, plus all orders in the U.S. and Canada always ship for free. Meandis makes all of their underwear out of mold all fabric, which doesn't sound sexy, but it's twice as soft as cotton. They have shirts, socks. Go to Meandies.com slash Joey to get 20% off of your first order with free shipping and the the U.S. and Canada.

This show is also brought to you by blue apron.com slash joey. Go there to get two meals for free. And go to on it.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood, StreamTac, Immune, and StreamTex Sport. Oh, shit. December 2nd. That's right.

It's December 2nd. Listen to this motherfucker. Are you kidding me? Listen to this fucking guitar. He hasn't stopped this guy. December 2nd. second Wednesday. The day the devil was buried the sea.

I like this fucking music. I'm going to have to fucking buy this and jog home to this. You're on the top of that game here. Right here. 1980. The guitar player was still alive. The OD. Watch here right.

Look. Kick that guitar. Kick the lead. This is tremendous. And they're from Georgia. Yeah. Atlanta. Or Athens, I think.

Athens. Athens. It's a college time. Oh, dude. fucking tremendous. All B-52's album, the one in the 90s came out. Remember that one? The pink.

Not rock lobster, but like. The other one, the one about Love Shack. Yeah, yeah, Love Shack. I lost my virginity to that. When that came out, that girl was obsessed with that album. B-52's a fucking, I saw them one in New Year's, and it was the first time that I knew I was a New Yorker. Yeah. In all those years, I didn't know what it meant to be a New Yorker until I went to see the

B-52s, 1980-1, with a kid name who I love and Miss Dealey for any Bossa Sudo, and we all ate a bunch of fucking quailudes

and got fucked up. And I mean, at this point in our lives, these guys were huge. Yeah. I don't know or no for a fact that they were juicing, but they were big.

And we went to see these B-52s in this city. We were still in high school. It was the word on the street that the B-52s were good, or did you just go to see them to roll the dice? The album was insane. The album was one of the staples of me growing up.

If I have to look at the four years in high school, the war, number one album that united us in high school, then the albums around that, definitely the B-52's Rock Lobster. That album played for fucking months. Def Leopard, the second album, that album was big in my childhood. Yeah. There's like, oh, Van Halen, the first one. that was heard.

AC, D, C, back in black. These albums were the fucking cornerstone. But one of them, which was completely opposite of what I was listening to. Yeah. Was the B-52s. The first B-52 album was something that every party you went to for nine months had the P-52s on it. But it seems like something that's so anti you and your guys. That's what I just going to say.

Yeah. Like, I can't imagine you guys going to see a B-52's concert and someone going, dude, I like when he goes, oh, ho! Listen, there was a couple parts where I sat there and giggled. Yeah. Giggled a little bit, you know. I was always open to music in those days. There's a couple parts you're sitting there going,

oh, how many dicks that this guy sucks. We'll be seeing him in Central Park later, even then. But the chicks were fucking blasting it. And there was one part of the B-52 night I'll never forget. And, you know, when you just get up, get caught up in a concert, and everybody was moving. They were doing rock lobster. from the part where the guitar solo comes in,

he's going nuts on stage. Boys in bikinis, girls and surfboards, that whole part. Yeah. And all of the fucking sudden, I looked something, I never forget this, this is like a big part of my life,

I looked. And I don't know how many people were in there. Let's pretend it was 1,500 people in those days. Yeah. They were all moving in unison. I had never seen that in my life. These guys on stage had taken an energy and had made the whole room.

You know, just put on Rock Lobster. Just put it on, I'll show you. It was the most, I had gone to. Do you want it live or do you just want the song?

No, just Rock Lobster. There's nothing like that at that time. At that time. Even now! There was no, uh, a macaron, there was no fucking Congo line.

I'd never seen that. You know what I think it is now is the EDM. No matter what you think about it, those people, those shows are fun to be at. Like, do you know what I'd go jump up and down, but there's like, Thousands of people

This is what I'm saying You're absolutely right This was the first time I saw Thousands of people 1,500 in unison to a song And it like broke me down

Go to the Go to Go a minute out of the song Let's go like to a minute Until it finishes I'm meant Oh Lobster

Good grief Right there Listen to this guitar. I'm sitting in this right? And I'm just going like this at this point. And people bumping into me, but it's not a violent bump. You

follow me? Like there was no violence. It's just the whole theater. The whole fucking place. And at this point right here, this is brilliant. It's when I look, and everybody was like this. And I was like, oh my God, I'm a fucking New Yorker. This is real. Listen, you know, the whole room

got caught in this. And when The song ended, like, everybody just went. Woo! Like, everybody just fucking went nuts. And I had tears in my eyes, and my whole body had goosebumps. How old are they now? They got to be fucking 60, because I'm fucking 50. You know, they would, no.

They got to be like, yeah, 58, 57. So they were my parents' age when I started listening to them. They were a college band from Athens, Georgia, and I think that they even have, there's a black and white YouTube clip. Lee, put it up over on this thing for Bert Christ. so these motherfuckers no Uncle Joey don't fuck around here

I didn't do it I thought I thought it I thought it was a while to flea so no we don't smoke pot in there no no

yeah and we weren't smoking that night we were smoking vapors or whatever fuck we were smoking But this video, there's a black and white video that I saw years later. But this is how long the B-52s were into it. And what had happened was that somebody taped this black and white B-52s rock lobster. Just this, and at the end of it, he says, don't forget to tip the waitress.

She. Right there. Right there. Who do you think you're dealing with? Billion views. Look at this shit. This is real. The band.

On lead guitar, we have Snapper. Now, listen to that accent. It's 1980, guys. What did you want me to think? And what did you want? I love music. I didn't give a fuck whether you were gay or not. I didn't give a fuck.

Yeah. On organ and guitar, we have Swip Bagnell. And just the audio is my one. And I'm Slack Thompson. Now, move this into the middle. You could fast up. Everyone's names. I like that.

Black Thompson. That might be the name when I check and ever tell. Go ahead. Listen to the sound. This is real. Watch the people. You see this? This is from the 50s. Now at this point, you had to get to the floor. This was, look at it. See, you ate three quailudes, and you had to get down to the floor. The point was to get to the floor and then get up when they started.

Guys, this is crazy, right? You see? That's the point. You see how the heads drop. You see people going down. That was it. That was it. You just fucking, you just fucking went. You just fucking went bananas. You took the vial blow out. You did two fucking bumps right there on the floor like a savage. Look how skinny he was.

Look at him. A steak would fucking destroy. It's going to be Burton two weeks. This is tremendous. Down, down, down. Look at the hairdoos. These broads were committed. This is 1970.

That's one of those bros did a song with Chris Isaac. That was bad. Or Iggy Pop. Remember the girl that did the song with Iggy Pop? Listen to the guitar guys. I'm telling you, this guy was a savage. I mean, there's a number like this. Look at the fucking singing.

Look, is he the best? He's fucking beautiful. Yeah. He's beautiful. Look at him with the fucking cowbell. 30 years before Will Farrell even fucking sucked his first dick. Look at this guy with a cowbell. Whoa.

Egg shells flapping? Uh-huh. reflection. Tip first, chipping. Look at this. This is, this is,

look at them, look at this little cowbell. Rock. Oh, you filthy cock suckers. Look those skinny nuts. Look at them, look at them, look at them.

On the floor, Lee, you're all on a quailude. I remember one time I just stayed there and took a nap. I was like, fuck it.

Cosby fucked me in the muffler. Here we go. Look at this. It looks like Bruce Willis and diehard. Oh my God. Yeah, with a T-shirt.

Look at it. Look at this This is real Guys, this is And you went to this? This is in Atlanta I went to the one in New York Maybe a year later

When they were on top of that game Look at this Let's like a guitar guys Make him potato Becken in the sun Are you fucking kidding me Put on your nose guard Put on the life god

How do you know the words That's the tanning butter This is this is this This is brilliant, bro. Oh, he's, rock it out. He is brilliant, guys. This is what real true brilliance is. Not giving a fuck.

Not giving a fuck. Look at him. You think he went on Twitter, like Margaret Cho afterward and tweeting people, that he's brave? He didn't give a fuck this guy. This is the fucking 80s, bro. This is the 80s, brother. Oh, I fucking love this guy.

Fred, what's his name, Fred? Okay, I'm going to show you guys what real fucking musical brilliances. Look at downtown cafe, Atlanta, Georgia's 1978. We're talking almost... 19708? We're talking almost, you know,

I saw them in 80, 80 going into 81. I want you to put on Dance This Mess Around Live. I want to show you... I want to show Bert. This could be, by the way, this could be a TV show. I want to show Bert true fucking brilliance. That was the guitar player.

What's the name of the song? I'm sorry. Dance This Mess Around. live. That was the guitar player and the singer shining. I'm going to show you the strength of the women in this song because this is what a band is all about. It's everybody has to be

fucking throwing heat. Keep going. No, no, no, no, no. Keep scrolling down. Keep going, keep going. That one. Right there, that one. I'm going to show you guys what brilliances right here. The women in this, the blonde. Remember the age of 13? this video

that you feel it she takes you there and she's on H she's on H Doug there's no way you can do this without H

this is true these are why these women you look at them and you're like well why did they get in the band maybe they were cute no no no no no

I'm gonna teach you motherfucker as what it is to be a strong woman to say you know what yeah he's the leader with a band but let me tell you what I got them off of you

look at these bruds fuck yeah look at the big beehive parody's you'd like to is that the dude yeah yeah yeah what's the name fred find out his name lee if you can i want to show you real brilliant here gunga dingo is uh Mickey mouse songbook Fred Schneider is it freight Snyder is it Fray Wilson tripling Piersson and Cindy Wilson afraid Snyder again look at her

now you're looking at this going hoppin joe jose Dias like this shit because this is boss this is commitment I'll give anybody 500 bucks to get on stage and do that with a book play the he's playing a book he's playing the Mickey Mouse songbook

look at it a piano look you understand me look at her it makes you want to rip her out of the video and fuck her brains out that that tinging you're here in the background is him playing a Mickey Mouse songbook

Why don't you dance with me? I'm not no Limburger. Have you ever smelled Limburger cheese? I'm not no Limburger. Are you fucking kidding me? Look at her. She tastes you there, guys. Oh, my God.

This is real brilliant right here. But you guys are jumping up and down over the chicks from the side of that live. Well, she looks like Sarah Palin, man. Well, take a look at this. I'm going to show you what real fucking talent is. With wigs on. Red wigs.

Look at this. She's got a beautiful voice. Is that the girl, is that Katie something? Look at her legs. She's been doing heroin since they got the first record contract. That's a fucking real voice. Wait until she starts dancing and showing it. Look at her.

Here we go. The tambourine went down. Look at that. Look at this. Look at this. Lisa. That is so sexy. Oh, my God.

Look at her with house slippers on. Everybody goes to parties. Are you fucking kidding me? And he looks like Bill Mada Science guy. He looks like a nerve. Oh, my God. If I had a time machine, I might just go back to one of their concerts. Look at her.

She hasn't stopped dancing. Look at it. She is adorable in this. Look at that. She's bouncing. Look at her. Fuck Britney. Fuck, ah, the little chick who shows are titties.

My eyes, Alice. Look at this. Look at this. They have three different voices, and the one that's most distinguishes the guy. and it doesn't sound like a dude. Fucking the girl playing the... onto the right has the most beautiful voice.

She hasn't stopped, guys. She hasn't stopped. This is... You have to see this. He looks like Fred Armisen. He does. Bill Nye, the science guy, and his own fucking king rode up at once.

Where are they from? Is it England? Atlanta. Athens. So what's that accent? They're American. They're from the South, Jack. They're from the fucking South. I mean, if you look them up individually, they're probably transplants or whatever, but they're fucking white savages.

That's where they're from. I got to look them up. And while this is going on, REM is brewing on the other side of town. Are you fucking crazy? Okay, so the Redhead was born in New Jersey, Katie Pearson. You're crazy. It's funny when you Google B-52s, the plane comes up. What do you expect to come up?

Do you Chinese people running? Katie Pearson's from New Jersey. Fred Snyder is from, oh, New Jersey, too. He's from Newark. They've got to be... Keith Strickland, the guitarist, is from Atlanta. And Cindy Wilson

was from Athens, Georgia. So yeah, Georgia and New Jersey. Now, R.E.M., where are they from? They're from Athens. See? Yeah. Bro, this was so easy. I wonder if Fred and Michael Steep ever had sex.

It's a good question. Maybe we'll hit him on the podcast. The only, Joey, the first joke I ever wrote was in college. And I used to play the guitar from my fraternity house. And I make up songs about the guys in the fraternity. And the first joke I did was, this is my impression of the lead singer of the B-52s singing Jane Says by Jane's Addection. Jane says, you're done with Sergio. And that was it.

That's all I could do of it. I, man, you look back at that. I miss, I miss when you, you know what I miss? getting obsessed with an album. Like when you were a kid, you'd get obsessed with an album and you couldn't, and it just seems like you were taking a part of necklace. Like, it just seemed like it would just get more and more, you'd find

nuances and songs that you never, you know what I mean? The last album I ever got obsessed with was like a Wilco album before I had kids. Once I had kids, I can't, I don't know, I feel like I can't. When you're on the road and you're by yourself in your room, at 10 o'clock at night, you just want you, you talk to the wife,

you say good night to the kids. You don't open up the computer and just go to YouTube and press you know David Bowie and the other day I got hooked on I got hooked on the weirdest fucking album I put on

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John they have all these albums on YouTube so when all else fails you put the fucking album on you put the earphones on you put your notebook out and you listen to three or four songs

and you close it and you go back to that song you go back to the album I do it all the time. You know what I'm obsessed with right now is finding songs that are in movies where they use the song, but an editor for a movie edited the movie and with the song. Does that make sense? Like what they do with The Wizard of Oz and... No, no, no, no, no.

Just like when a song's used in a movie. Like finding that clip of the movie where the song is used. Like one of the most beautiful ones ever is Space Oddity in Walter Middy. When he does ground control to... Major Tom. It's a beautiful moment because he's jumping in an helicopter. Like, I love that shit. I love when people can take music and put it into the editing.

It's like, I think that's the way I listen to music mostly was I'd edit a music video in my head of what I would do in that scenario. You know what I mean? But yeah, that's like one of the cool, because it really accentuates. And then you wonder if that's like if they stole whatever idea, like if David Bowie didn't have the technology back then to make a music video for him. him that would be representative of what he wanted that song to be, what that song meant. You know what I mean? When I was editing, that was my favorite part of it of editing. When you take a song and you put it down and it just fits perfectly, it's like the best feeling in the world.

I don't know. It's like I was watching your vlog and the song you put at the beginning was perfect. Oh, yeah. As someone who used to edit, I was watching. I was like that. It makes a huge difference. It makes a huge difference. Dude, you know, can I tell you something I obsessed about in that vlog is getting it so that at the very end,

and it snapped on the beat. You know what I mean? And I used to spend hours just doing that. Like, it would have been done, but I wanted to hit on that beat. You wanted to hit on the beat because it's so much better that way. Yeah. Yeah, if anyone wants to check out, I'm doing a vlog this month. Every day or every other day.

I just got into it. You know, I'm like still doing my podcast, but the podcasts are so much more, they take so much more work, you know, to get, you know what I mean? Getting guests is so hard. And then sometimes it's like last night. night, or yes, you call me, like we talked Monday, I guess, what day is today? Wednesday. Like, we talked Monday.

He said, give me a call if you want a podcast. I'll be there in 10 minutes. And then I get to the place like Monday night where I'm like, I should call Joey. And then I was like, you know what, man, we're fucking working so hard. He should spend time with his family. I should spend time with my family. And I'll just see him when I see him. You know what I mean?

I'll tell you something. There's some nights I really want to go to the comedy store. And I really want to do comedy. And there's some nights. I wish somebody would call me at 20 a night and say, let's do something innocent. What's something innocent? My favorite is getting in a car, smoking a joint, and you drop me off when the joint finishes. Yeah.

If there's a car valve and you want to stop and get a milkshake, that's your night out. So when I say to you, once the kids go to bed and your wife and you realize I'm not going to give her a stabbing. You ever get to that point in the night when you look at your wife and wait tonight, She's not going to let me give me a piece of ass That was Monday night Yeah There's no use in me being around here What is she here for

I'm trying to teach leaders Would you tell them Yeah That there's sometimes If you're just gonna sit here And we're gonna talk If I gave you a stabbing this morning And I'm looking at you at 12

And I'm looking at a stabbing That's not in the future till midnight Let me give you a ride home I'll come back and get you I'm gonna have you sitting around staring at me all day Like a fucking vampire We've been together for 15 years

There's no staring Listen There's fucking shark tank on And then I'm hoping you give me a little piece, which will be fast. Yeah. My pieces of four minutes, then we talk for eight, and then I either go to sleep or I get dressed and I leave. Yeah. Just out of habit.

I got to go. Where are you going? I got to go. I'm going to walk around Starbucks. I'm trying to teach him this. He thinks like I'm kidding him. You still leave? Yeah.

I go from Starbucks. I go to 7-Eleven and get fucking jerky. You got to do something. You can't sit there like a half a fag and talk to him for an hour. What do you mean? You just had sex. How could that be having a mess? That's it.

We got to go for a walk. That's it up. That's it. I gave you a stab. You got to sit there and want chips. There ain't no chips. Out. Out.

That's it. I'm trying to tea. He thinks like I'm kidding. Like I sit here and I go, what do you do with her from Thursday to Sunday? If you don't do nothing and you just sit there, you go to the ride and you go to the wire, you just sit there with it. Fuck that. You're going home.

You're going home and I'll pick you up at 9 when it's time to fucking suck. Until that time, I'm minus 80 and I got to sit here and detain you all day. I can be doing a thousand. thousand fucking things. I could be doing a thousand things. So if you hit me up at 20 after nine, once mama comes in with the look, I'm kind of tight, you know,

whatever, next. You're looking, I'm sitting there. How many sons of episodes? How many sons of anarchys in the soprano episodes can I watch? Until somebody just called and says, hey, let's do the podcast. I could.

Let's do a podcast because that's a better thing sometimes that somebody hits you when you're not thinking. The best podcast you're going to do is when you're not thinking. Yeah. You get called to a podcast and the whole drive day. What am I going to talk about?

Who the fuck knows? Yeah. But if you call me at 920 when I got, dog, what kind of conversations do we have at 10 o'clock late? In the morning or night? In the fucking night, you fuck.

Just about what we're going to do the next day. No, but we have crazy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's two of them. There's two of them. There's either a business call or he calls, and he's already giggling as I pick up the phone.

Oh, how. I'm like, yeah. I'm stone. this fuck. I'm sitting in my living rooms. I'm communicating with my cats. My wife's in the bedroom with earphones on watching something. You know, they're fucking morons. Yeah. I never know who he's talking to. It's either me, the cat, or his

wife. Like, he talks like the other day. You were yelling at Demi for like three phone calls. Like in the morning and the afternoon and night, Jimmy was fucking with you all day. Oh no. Dimmie destroyed. You know, Jimmy's just one of those cats that Dimmie looks for shit. People are annoyed. Yeah. Like if there's a cat

laying down, Demi'll look at him and then walk over and then just stab him one of his nails. Just to see what the cattle were doing. I was like, Demi, why he bought him for? But Demi is petrified of gray.

Gray is the female. Daddy's cat. Daddy's cat, as the baby calls it. Really? She's the female we took last. She's scared of her own shadow, but she lives to torment Demi and super bad.

And what I mean is she's always at the spot that you turn into. You ever have those people Every time you turn there right there, and you're like, finally you go, listen, do me a favor. Get the fuck away from me. Because you got even giving me room. Yeah. Okay?

So, Dimmy could be, Jimmy could be, all right, so Gray will be by the kitchen door, and there'll be a cat in the little house. Let's just pretend it's Lulu. Lulu don't bother nobody. Lulu just wants to love and hug and purr and meow, and that's it. Yeah. Jimmy will see Lulu's in the house, and he'll want to fuck with it. But Lulu is 9 out of 10. Like your cats are 50-50.

Lulu always hates Demi and always swats him in the fucking head. So I'm watching this. This is, fuck TV. There's nothing. This is the best TV there is. Yeah. They're four feet away. I'm watching this.

So Demmy's going to go up to Lulu and fuck with Lulu. And Lulu's going to swat at him. And Jimmy's either going to swap back or he's going to move two feet and walk right into Gray, who's going to swatter him too who he's petrified out of him because Gray chases him makes him go into the thing and then he'll look at me with his little eyes and I tell you I see him go down

I already know the move the other day it was perfect because not only that Lulu swatted him she actually chased him like get the fuck out of here she chased him like Lulu chase him buddy so he ran this way watching her and also when he realized what was going up it was perfect

he planted he's like fuck this bitch and he went he looked and right there was great and she hit him right in the fucking and he took off he took off that's entertainment right there that's not Netflix that's free when you watch two when you watch animals fuck with each other like we were I was watching

me and my buddy Obey were watching this lizard like stalk this fly and the lizard would like come after the fly we were high at Alan Rieger's house when we were kids remember not kids we were like in college and we were having coffee and we had just gotten high and on the little like a wrought iron table was a lizard that had come up and was sitting and there was a fly that was coming up and dropping and the lizard would just get closer and closer you could see it stalking and we were both just fucking watching it and I was like holy shit and then my buddy wecho came over and we were about to say you got to see this it's so cool to watch this other animal stalk this animal and we go wecho and he's like what and as soon as you said that the lizard ate the fly and there was nothing to see we were like nothing never But it's over.

I used to work at a seafood restaurant, and they had a big fish tank. And every week, they'd bring guys in with bags of goldfish just to feed the other fish, and it was my favorite day of the week. Really? Because everyone would just go over and just watch these bigger fish just go in a tag goldfish. It was pretty crazy. There's something really primal to that to watch animals. Like, how many times have you Googled in YouTube?

Shark versus bear. Or just to see, like, two animals fight, bear versus lions. I can't deal with it. Really? Can't deal with it. Did you ever see the one, do you ever see the one on where the, where the crocodile gets the wildebeest, then the lions get the will to beast, and the wildebeest get the crocodile? It's like an epic one.

I saw one where like a leopard or a jaguar, one of those cats jumped in and got a crocodile in the water and then took it out. It's like I saw it as a video on Facebook. It was crazy. I think it was a leopard. It was just sitting on a ledge and just was watching, watching, boom, and just had a crocodile. I saw. I think I saw two things, and they were both disturbing as fuck. I clicked on to them.

There was one where I think it was a, what, a lion got an alligator. And the alligator was like, you could see she had like little fucking alligators and shit. I love that you were looking for the word of small alligator. She had like three little fucking alligators. He was like a mom. They got away. And the lion had her tail. And she was fighting for her life.

And I heard the thing and I had to click it off just to sound to her. And then I watched one of those fucking tigers chase a deer and it just doesn't do it. You know, I don't mind the run. I like to run. I don't want to hear the noises and the deer begging for his life. Oh, yeah. biting into him. I don't need to see that shit.

It's amazing how far our society is removed from that. From that, that, that thing that happens in. nature to every animal that no animal sits and goes like fuck, isn't that crazy? You know, isn't that crazy that we, that our fucking guys dead

forever? Like that our, the person that was just hanging out with us is now gone because the alligator ate him. It's amazing that how far removed we are from that. Like as people, I mean,

oh, as rich people, there's still people. There's people in Florida who get bit every fucking day because the alligator's creep up on you. You don't know, you go on stairs to fucking get your mail.

And there's an alligator in your fucking mailbox in Florida. You know, they're everywhere. Oh, dude, you could get bit by a poisonous snake in my backyard when I grew up in Florida. I can't deal with that shit. Florida is one of those places. Even as a child, they go down there to spend the summers. And the lizards freak me the fuck out. Those little lizards?

Those little lizards freak me the fuck out. It's too much. It's too quick. There's a bigger lizards now in Florida now. Like iguanas are starting to come in. And the Colombians bring these fucking dragons in with heads. No, no, no, no. With the long chins.

You don't like lizards? They said I don't like them. They just take it to a place where you don't want to be. Take it to a place where you don't want to be? No, I don't need that shit. Would you ever have a lizard at the house? Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't wait to have a three-foot-five.

Fuck no. Fuck no. Fuck no. A skink. Who wants a fucking? Oh, fuck no. I don't want a pig. I don't want nothing.

Oh, I don't want a pig. You get the normal thing. It's a cat, a turtle. You know, the normal shit. Some goldfish, a dog. But lizards and shit in your living room. A snake and you're living room. need that? He has a bad

fucking day. Next to you know you're in the shower with fucking... He has a bad fucking day. Next to you know, you're in the shower with this thing wrapped around your leg and you can't fucking breathe. And, you know, snake comes slither and puts his hat up. I don't even want to talk about it. No. Fuck you.

I love animals, but I don't want to, you know, I don't want to get in a put-up position. We got to chop one's head off because he's fucking attack. I've cut a few of a few snakes' heads off in my life. I did too. I did two fucking around as a kid. We used to knocked the tombstones over and take the snakes out and chase people with them and shit and they'd swung one shit on me one time. I was chasing

somebody on the boulevard and the snake shit as I was chasing the motherfucker. No, I don't want to see that shit. I don't ever want to see any of that stuff. People get eaten and... Oh man, the slash from Guns and Roses had a poisonous snake collection in the Hollywood Hills and during

that... I might be making this up. I don't know. During an earthquake, all those poisonous snakes got out. Something got out. Yeah, and it was like, oh, fuck. I guess I'm done with poisonous snakes. I'll have a family. Slash is an interesting fucking guy. So talented.

Last night, we went to comedy store, and it's really weird. The word on the street is that guns and roses are reuniting for a tour? No. The big show.

An album? Coachella. Oh, really? Who the fuck wants a tour when you have Coachella? You know, people plan their year, the youth of America today. Yeah. Plans their year around Coachella.

Yeah. The dates, the whole thing. And I don't blame him. If I was fucking 21, that's what I'd do. I'd do exercise for a week. Get my dick suck, like, a comedian. Let parents pay for the fucking credit card. You know what I'm saying? Fuck, yeah. Living in a tent

dirty, your pussy's smelling. You got three different type of sperms in that snatch. You know what I'm saying? It's 80 degrees. You're going to have a kid that's going to have spots like a fucking zebra. Leopard. You're going to have like a fucking zebra. Why is he going to have spots? Because you probably banged three

different fucking worldwide international tours. And what do you think happens? You're like a cat. The cat comes out, but they've got 19 different spots. He's got the head of the father, the foot of the grandfather. He's an Indian tail. Anyway, I heard don't cry. Anyway, I heard

Don't cry last night. By guns and roses at the comments. Don't cry. Don't cry. Guns and roses. And it was on. And I went nuts. The last. 20 minutes. The last two minutes of that song is so fucking tremendous.

Guns and Roses, and I have a friend, Steve Avila, who I grew up with in the shed listening to music, and he describes it the best. He says all Guns and Roses are fucking Aero Smith on steroids. They took it to the next level. I don't know. Yeah, Aerosmith in the 70s, 75 to... Because I'm thinking of...

75 to 80 to 79 aerosmith was a tremendous band. 73 to 78 aerosmith before Joe Perry left. This band came along in 87. Is he in the snowy shorts? Put it on the big video, Doug. Put on the big video. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

Come on. When we go to, we're going to sit there and fucking that, right? I got into a Guns and Roses, Use Your Illusion, two spiral the other day on Internet, Because of Bob Guccione. Do you remember Bob Guccione? His father owned Penhouse or something? And then his son ran Spin Magazine or owned Spin Magazine.

And his son got into a fight with Axel Rose. And Axel Rose and getting the ring was like, Bob Guccioni, I'll fuck you up. Like just does like a rant of tearing up Bob Guccione. And I was like, who the fuck's Bob Guccione? And then I fucking found out. And I was like, holy shit. This is when videos were videos. This was huge, guys.

This was huge. Were you bornly? Well, you wasn't. 91. Yeah, I was born in 88. Uh, yep, this came out in 91, because I remember going to the record store and getting it in Tallahassee, Florida. Yes, this came on 91.

Everyone's like, just get the first one. This, yeah, this came out like November or 91, maybe. November 91, I listened to it with my door with Sally Hall. When did this come out, Lee? You're the man, Lee. Love it Starle? No, good, man. He was banging this model at the time.

Yeah, what's her name? Stephanie. And she left him and said he used to beat her up. Shit. Burn her ass with a crack pipe in a closet. You didn't know that when you got a gun? When does come out? Ninety-one, but I'm looking for the...

September 17th. Tremendous. This is fucking amazing. Where's Izzy? Did Izzy leave by that point? Izzy got thrown out, yeah? Yeah. Look at the beginning of grunge right there.

Oh, look at Shannon Hoon. Yes. Shannon Hoon from Blind Millie in this fucking video. This is amazing shit, people. Holy shit. I didn't know that. Yes. Brian Melon's like my favorite band.

Didn't he OD? Odeen New Orleans off cocaine. There you go. Who do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice guys? God damn it, man. I'm losing my memory and yours seems to get stronger. That's the reefer.

Get out of here, you dirty bitch. Don't ever suck my boyfriend's dick. Look at them. Look at this shit. Oh, shit. Are you kidding me, ladies and gentlemen? This is a deep fucking... I went nuts when I heard this last night.

I went nuts. nuts. I'm ashamed to myself for even forgetting this shit. That really high voice is Shannon Hood. Holy shit. Look at him. This is unbelievable right here. Watch this fucking black Jew. This

is a killer right here. Look at this shit. He really is a monster. He's a fucking monster right of here. It's funny. The whole video is about them fighting with women. This is dog, they spent milk. This was guns and roses. This was a two-album release at one time.

People can't release one out. These junkies release two albums back to back. Use your illusion one and two. Who gives a fuck? He committed to suicide, too. That's what happens when you fucking make that sell 80 million albums.

Look at this shit. This is beauty. God damn. That's beauty right there, ladies and gentlemen. He's a trink. can't figure out why he's fighting with his chick, he's naked, Stephanie Seymour was her name. Yeah, there you go. Who the fuck we think you're dealing with a creeper here?

He's bringing a shotgun to a funeral? See, now they were trying to do Beatles stuff. Who's dead? Who fell off the cliff? What was the other song from this album? There was one where they fucking have the funeral. It's the remake of Paul McCartney's, only not, not, only the good die young.

Live and let live. Live and let die. Live and let die. Do you know the name of the album? I could look at it out. Use your Illusion 1 and Use Your Illusion 2. When did Use Your Illusion 2 come out? So Use Your Illusion 1 comes out September 17th of 91.

When does Use Your Illusion 2 come out, Lisa? Oh, sit. I'm not answering. I know the answer. September 17, 1999. Both of them came up the same day. Same day. And everyone said, get the blue one.

Fuck the yellow one. Right. Now, which one was the good one? The blue one. This is the blue one. Okay, what was on the blue one? Dude, it starts off with, uh, uh, what we have here is a failure to communicate. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesus Christ. What else? I fucking. I love that. This is the, this is an album of my independence. Yeah, no, no. That's the shit. First freshman year of college.

This is, I got this and Lenny Kravitz had come out like right then to. Nirvana came out right around this time. This is the point. This is the album that made me go home when my wife said, I'm leaving you. We're going to break up for a while. go. Jesus. I got user illusion one, Doug.

I don't give a fuck. So it starts out with Civil War, then 14 years. Yesterday's knock on heaven's door above Dillon cover. Get in the ring. Shotgun Blues. Break down. Pretty tied up. Locomotive.

So fine. Estranged. You could be mine. Don't cry. And then my world. You could be mine. You could be mine. That's the one.

Was that Barry Cassie just texted you? No. Because he just texted. I thought it was something. I'll tell you later. I thought it would be the same text. I'll tell you later. About some comedian being in town? That one?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm not. Don't worry about nothing. Look the other way. Don't even look that way. Look the other way. Don't even smile. Don't even wave.

Don't fucking wave. I told you not the wave. He's going to come over here and give us an ear beating. Keep walking. Tell him, you got to go. The kid is sick. Yeah, tell him. Tell him the wife called you to go.

Go. Come on. Tell him the kid is sick. No. No, not that the kid you think he's. No. The fucking kid is sick You fuck

We gotta go We got shit to do I got the guy waiting Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh yeah

Oh this was the Terminator This was the Terminator Yeah Lee They fucking rocked it So this is all So now this is the soundtrack To the Terminator Oh wow

You follow me all on one out That's why it's blue Okay And his guitar was great on this too. I'm sorry. Don't even look over here because I'm going to fucking stab you. Arnold Schwarzenegger is in this video.

Right here, Joey. This is GnR right here. This is getting. Look at the actual. Are you fucking kidding me? This is the song that sold the album for me. This is too much. This is too much.

Fucking too much. This sold the movie, too. I remember seeing the movie in the theater. What else is on this album? There's something else, Lee. What else is on this album? What else is on this album? There was something else on the sound that blew everybody away.

I cannot fucking think of... I'll tell you. Don't cry. It's strange. No, no, no. My Fitbit batteries low. What was that? Who knows?

Don't worry about nothing. If you hear somebody get stabbed you, what else is on it? Shotgun blues. What else? Get in the ring. I'll break. That's your phone.

Oh, oh, sorry. What else? Um... Get in the rings where he's like, get in the rings where he talks about Bob Guccione. Civil War. Civil War was a good one. What else?

14 years. What else? What else? Getting the ring. Shotgun blues. That was it. All right. What's on two?

This is, do you want me to look at one? Yeah, no. That's what we're talking about? No, this is two. All right, we'll put on one. What's on one? Can you believe this? I don't know.

What podcast you listen to do in those? I know. Jesus Christ. We can't be like up two. We, we, we. This is crazy. Someone's doing my favor and do this. Do the research.

Okay. tracks. Okay, right next door to hell. I hear you giggling. Right next door to hell. Yeah. Dust and bones. Live and let die.

Go ahead. Don't cry. Perfect crime. Go ahead. You ain't the first. Yeah. Bad obsession. Go ahead.

Black of bitch. Pack off bitch. Double talking jive. Yeah. November rain. That's the one. November rain. Put November rain on.

November rain. Jesus Christ. That's the one. That's the fucking one. Don't tell me. I knew there was something missing. November rains when they walked down to get married. Too much.

Too much. These guys get back together. This whole generation. Would you go to go to a cell to see him? Say it was something nice. So you didn't have to feel like to deal with cars. Let's say that I could go with one of these guys that rents the trailers and that type of stuff. Yeah, I would consider it maybe two, three days, watch these guys.

I go. I go if I could go with you, R.E. Get a hotel, the whole thing. to have him like my friend went and he had a hotel look at all this shit these were movies Lee these were costing millions of dollars to make and they were good this is before

real world this is when MTV was showing music videos that's all they show the shit Lee you know what it costs to shoot these know what these people call you know what that piano cost to rent and these guys were fucking they were fucking high

as shit you know they cost to shoot this fucking thing Jacobs, Ladder, whatever the fuck this is. Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree. Because that's why I've built that.

You know what these people cost an hour to get down to these fucking union bet. So, well, my point is for them to spend $3 million on this, has to bring in like 10. It has to bring in more

than 10. So this is a silly question. Do you think MTV just got the videos for free? Or did they did the videos get a share of the ad sales? Like, how did that work? But I did hear this the other day.

It's over. MTV's going back to the music videos. Shut up. Thank God. That's it. I would love that. I would love that. What, everything else is going on MTV 2 or something? I don't know what they're doing. I don't know the plan. Bleak, kick this motherfucker. What the fuck? Look at her. Look at this woman. Look at this woman.

He's dating this fucking Victoria's model. People are losing their minds because everybody knows he's a filthy fucking animal. Eating garbage out of the fucking trash can. She's hot. I wonder what she looks like now. Like flesh. That is the Rainbow Room. Yeah. Right now we're looking at

five, we've seen five different locations that cost them tons every day. And you can still smoke indoors in this video. And you know they're partying on set. Oh, you know that they said we got the thing out. Guys, just go get drunk, we'll film it.

This brings back so many fucking memories. I'm looking like this story. I was living in hell when this video was used. This is crazy. This is crazy. These were short films. Yeah. I can remember where I was when I heard this song.

Yeah, me too. I was a Lidizio's Italian restaurant in Boulder, Colorado. I had this fucking CD. I think it was this double CD. I was driving all. on a two-lane road in Tallahassee. We used to go out to this swimming hole at night and build a bonfire.

And I was sitting in the back there taking a dip of Copenhagen with my girlfriend, who ended up fucking my best friend. Four years later, and she's married to the guy that we drove out with that night. Isn't that crazy? She got three drinks for the price of one. That's a fucking woman right there.

Oh, fuck! She's like three sticks for the price of one. You can't get better quality than that fuck Groupon. Here we go. Look at this. shit right here. Look at this, Lee. What do you think it costs to shoot this? With a helicopter and a fadeaway crane. Look at this, Lee. And people roll them on the floor. You got a jib? You got a jib? This is amazing. Look at this. What's that cost, man? Helicopter.

What's that cost, Lee? Come on. Figure it out. Look at this. Going in and out. Let's just think of the price what it cost to get slash out there that day. How many times he missed his car? How many times? Oh, look at that. Pure brilliance, people. Pure fucking music. This was the beginning of a fucking movie. This was it. Another shot of Hollywood, another wedding on the outside.

The car. And it's what's his name driving? Somebody weird is driving. Ricky Rachman or something. Rip-thorn. Is it ripped me? Ricky Ragman? I used to see Ricky Rackman at Justin Fortunes.

wanted to be a boxer. He was in a box Danny by the ducci. He was taking a series of his shadow box and eating that yokes and shit like Rocky. You want to keep listening? Yeah, yeah, look at this. This is, look it. I'm sitting here going, look, this is just... I got to interview

slash for a TV show. Very nice. The sweetest guy in the world. Very nice, very nice. His wife had kicked him out and he was just drinking that night. And he showed up to the set and he was like, Zain wouldn't have anything to drink on set. And they're like, Bert does. So they took him to my green room. I walk in my green room.

Just fucking slashes sitting there drinking fucking what's not scotch. What's what cognac? Drinking cognac out of a coffee mug. He's like you want one. See, Ricky, look who this. Told you. Who do you fucking you think you're dealing with? Then it starts raining. How much do you think it costs for that cake

for it to get rained on top of? This is production. This is, we don't give a fuck. Make it look great. We'll have a big black guy there. We'll have a big black guy. There's a least 500. This is before political correctness.

He must have been friends with somebody. He's doing security. Rain machine. Yeah, all this stuff is ruined now. Ruined people, and they couldn't do a double take because that's all wardrobe and dry cleaners and fucking creature features. A guy with the stick. Look at the cake. There goes to cake. Oh, here's where it starts getting fucking good, Joey.

This is it. This is it, Lisa. Yeah. Oh, he steps up on the piano. Also, she's dead. She died because of the rain? Look at the casket. Did she get pneumonia? How did she die from the wedding? Who the fuck knows?

Did someone shoot them? Look at the casket. That's a $10,000 casket. That's a fucking expensive casket. Lee, this is... It's interesting that they didn't have the funeral packed out with people. There's only like 50 people. What do you think it cost this?

I'm telling you guys, these were fucking expensive. 80 grand. You were blown away visually. You, your head blew up. You know how much their tickets to concerts were because of these videos? This lifted the price of your thinking mentally. You're like, shit. It's going to cost me money to go through these fucking savages.

Oh, that's right. That's right. Oh, shit. This is, this is, this is fucking just genius. Yeah, I hope you guys tune in to these videos we're talking about. This is, you know, this is a tremendous part of the fucking early 90s, man. It's amazing when you meet someone that says they were born in 91, and they never experienced this. This defines music.

I mean, music's changed so globally from when this was to when what we have now. This is the first album. Oh, dude. This is right before I went to prison. This was the big song. This was the big video before I got locked up. That's all right. Leave it on.

We want to keep getting pulled off of YouTube. Oh, that's okay at this point. As long as the people at home can listen to it. Yeah, they can listen to it. Yeah. This is an education, man. I was getting educated. I would, every time this video came on,

I'd sit there like a fucking, like LeVar Odom, drooling from the fucking mouth. I love all this shit. You want to listen to this one? Look at how small the crowd is that they're playing into, Joe. No, this is a rehearsal thing. You've got to realize this is before, they made this before they were famous.

Make the fucking thing bigily? Why on the video? Look at this. This was, yeah. This is before they made it big. This is the first time. This is when getting tattooed. meant something.

Yeah. You had to get a tattoo if you party with these motherfuckers here. Now fast forward this week. Go a minute. We've all heard this.

Let's go to the guitar solos. Do you ever see this? I've heard this song. I've never seen this. Are you fucking kidding me? All right. Fast forward this week. Joe, you know what we got to introduce them to?

The fucking Guns and Roses G&R lies. Let me tell. We've got to introduce from the Guns and Roses live from the rich. New Year's Eve,

1980-something, the top of their game. Look at this. Look at this league. Watch this guy playing the fucking car. I was 27 going to prison, and this was blowing my mind. This was keeping me fucking alive. These five

fucking junk kids were killing them. Fucking street kids. I read a book about them. They were just street kids living out of a fucking storage unit. They rehearsed on Gardner. On Gardner. Right behind the sushi place there, I'm fucking Gardner, guys.

Right fucking there. Every time I used to come out of gardener, I would sniff the air and go guns and roses. Used to sniff this fucking air 10, 15 years ago. There you go. Hit it Lee. And this fucking groundbreaking. Everything else was fucking, like, shampoo rock, you know, that hairspray rock. Shampoo rock. What the fuck am I saying?

These fucking killers. They were hungry. They didn't give a fuck. They were stuck to their dream. They were snorting, eating badass. They didn't give a fuck. There's a, on guitar center, the documentaries, it's right above HBO, and there's in two different spots on your cable network.

For a while, they were running a real interesting documentary about Slash. His mom had had an affair with David Bowie. So he used to walk over Laurel Canyon. This is his neighborhood. This is his neighborhood. Right here, Laurel Canyon was his fucking neighborhood. Really? And he'd walk over Canyon all the way down to the rainbow.

The fucking stories are tremendous. He, uh, I saw, I, we did an interview with him on that. show and we both had a few drinks told me his chick kicked him out that night and was like uh yeah it's bad i got to go to europe right now to do this thing with the snake pit which was his band and so they said so the people say listen we're here to promote the snake pit album whatever you do do not bring up guns and roses do not bring up guns and roses and in my head i'm by the way i've been drinking with the guy so i'm not fucking i'm not intimidated by the interview at all and we've kind of already talked about it a little bit's brought things up about it so we get in the interview and my first thing is

I got to mention, I got to ask you, what happened to guns and roses? No one, and everyone's like, what the fuck? He just real cool. He goes, man, I'll tell you what. Everyone is really easy to be friends with someone when you're broke, but people change when they become millionaires. He said, and we just realized we weren't going to be friends. We weren't the same kind of millionaires. He's like, Axel wanted to buy property and own rights to songs and buy mansions and live out in Malibu.

And I wanted to buy poisonous snakes. He was like, you know, we're just very different people. And he's like, that's all. He's like, you know, we toured so much that when we finally got a break and we got our money and we're like, all right, he goes, we had a moment to decide what kind of, by the way, I'm totally paraphrasing and saying it the way I remember it. He's like, we realized like, all right, now I get to decide what kind of millionaire I am. And he's like, for me, I just moved right up the hill from where we used to hang out in a little nicer place, filled it with poisonous snakes and fucking and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, gets, uh, guitars and just kept partying. And he's actually wanted to do fucking yoga and go out to Malibu and do his own private part. Like, he was like, just different people.

I was like, that's fucking fascinating. Because you do see that. You know, like coming up in this business, there's guys that you're friends with when you're young because you're both trying to do open mics. Like, Dimitri Martin and I were like really good friends because we were both doing open mics. Now, I'm not saying like either of us are to blame for either of this other than just being very different people. But when you're hungry, we're the same person. We want to get on stage. But then when finally we're getting a little stage time and we're starting to succeed, we just go in different directions because we're not, our wants are different, you know, like he got married and then wanted to do like alternative clubs.

And I was like, I want to hang out in the village and be around Norton and Bobby Kelly and P. Correale and Etel and Hebrough, everyone working there. So it's like, it's interesting, you know. I kind of wonder if that, I wonder if that continues to happen in life. I mean, I don't know how many fucking friends I've had as an adult that you have kids with. And then you're all in the mommy and me class and those are your best friends. And then you guys go to a preschool and you get brand new best friends. And then you go to a grade school and you get brand new best friends. Then you go to a middle school and you get brand new.

It's like fucking life changes. The only friends I have that are constant are comics. It's, you know, I don't know where I'm taking this. I had a weird experience. I hung out with a friend that I haven't seen for a year. And we used to be really good friends. We're still friends, but, like, I've just been around certain people for the past couple of years, and then we got in the car, and they were, like, they were legit having a conversation about the Kardashians, about the show.

Like, it mattered. And I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, you know, like, there were adult people who had, like, jobs and bills, and I was like, I just couldn't believe it. You're in a bad situation. You're in a bad situation. I said the same to, um, to, uh, um, uh, Jamie, who works with Joe, and Red Band, who works with Joe. Because you get to hang out with some of the... You get to hang out as a fly on the wall and a participant

to some of the most interesting fucking conversations that people are having today. And I'm not saying that me and Joe, you're doing it today, but like some of the people, I've listened to the interviews, like the one you did with, uh, with, uh, not, what's his name is, uh, what's the guy, his little brother is, uh, fucking, he was in, he was in the movie with you. the longest shard.

Nick Soutre. Nick Soutro. I love that fucking, I love that. I love that interview. I listen to that fucking beginning to end, and I listened to it a couple times because it was so cool how him and his brother still love each other and say they love each other when they talk to each other on the phone. And I was like, but that's,

so then when you try to hang out with like regular people, they're never going to be able to keep up to the conversations you get to hear on a daily basis. Well, there's that. But I've hung out with people who I used to work with out here since then. It's fine. The guy can hang out with people, but it was just like, I never, I hadn't experienced that. And I called Joey on the way home. I called you on the way home.

I was just like, it's weird. And you're like, I've been trying to tell you. It's, uh, when I got the longest yard, I did, I did a bar in that time. They were trying to open up a new comedy club in Jersey City called Rascals. And they were failing miserably. It was just a horrible location. Everything about it was horrible. I was in shock for Rascals.

Do you remember the old Rascals? No. Jesus Christ. Never? No. Oh, my God. I thought this, and she was new Jay and shit like that. And I remember friends of mine came, and I was at the bar, and I was very cordial.

I took pictures with all my childhood friends. I put in the paper. I contacted, and 30 or 40 of them showed up. And, like, eight of them really scared the fuck out of me. Like, they're scared the fuck out of me because I could just imagine. Like, I never really gave a fuck. When I was a kid, the only guy. that made me come in my shorts was Julia Serving.

If you weren't going to show up with Julius serving, Charles Brons and the Clint East would save it. You know what I'm saying? Then I like music. I really got into music, but still, I was never one of those guys. I would never take a picture. I never asked.

I saw Richard Gear from here 10 feet from me, and I had no, right after office and the gentleman. He was 10 feet for me at Studio 54. I didn't say, well, one of those clubs, well, not studio, but the rooftop or something. He was 10 feet from me. I didn't say, fucking worry. I just went back and told my

friends that was Richard fucking good. But there people, I have a friend, a dear friend. Her brother and I grew up. She used to call me and asked me if I knew, you know, people. And it was creepy after a while.

I had to stop taking the calls. Yeah. You know, do I know? Courtney Kardashian. I think she asked me one time. That was one of the last times I took a call from her. What do you say? Yeah, we hang out all the You try to be nice. The phone rings.

You pick it up. You try to be nice. And all of a sudden you take it into this direction. Where me and my friend went to New York because we heard she was going to be there at the mud club. So we, I'm just making this up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, this is the call I got from her like three or four times. And I'm like, you're a fucking adult.

And then she's like, can I call Ice Cube for her? Because she lived in Jersey. So Ice Cube lives in North Bergen with his wife Coco. Oh, God. So she wanted me to get Ice Cube's number to her. Ice Q, T, or what's... Ice T's number. I mean, this was the shit I was getting.

You know, me, Lee. The first two calls, I was okay with it, and I giggled and laughed. And I go, okay. And one day I was like, you're not fucking serious, are you? Yeah, I want to ask them. I want to ask them questions about Law & Order SVU. Is that real? And I was like, listen, you really got to get it together.

I called my friend who gave me the number, who gave him my number. And I fucking went off on him. Like him and I do not talk anymore. Because of that. You cannot give you a number out to somebody to ask you those type of questions. Yeah. He goes, well, she called me and talked about a benefit. I go, that's fine.

Give me her number, and I'll call those people. You never give out my number. Yeah. You know, listen, there's nothing worse than somebody calling you out of line. There's nothing worse when somebody calls you out of line. somebody else. Hi, this is Josephine from whatever. Do you know how to get

a hold of Burke Kreisier? I want to book him for an event. Really? I'm on the 405 and bump in the bumper of traffic and you have to call me for some other comics number. Okay, not even to harass me. Yeah. I could see you harassing me showing up with a short envelope on

New Year's and trying to get me to do some crazy gig. But for you to call me in bumping the bumper of traffic on the 405, Listen, the other day, we just finished doing a fucking murderous workout at the gym, kettlebells. Not only did I swing the fucking medium one, I took the gorilla and swung that two times. Yeah. My body wasn't shy.

Lee and I had done jih Tjitsu Sunday and Monday. And then we went to this kettlebell class. Before the class started, I looked at Lee, and I go, Lee, why are we here? You and I killed ourselves. I think you were joking. You and I killed ourselves Listen, guy, we rolled around See, Lee, how many times does I say one more time?

Oh, like 20 times One more time, Lee, three minutes. Let's just do two minutes, Lee. Ressing with him, two minutes, I'll take a breather Because there's a young kid, Spencer. Get in there with Lee and then take two minutes. He's the young one. Get the fuck, work this out, you know?

Then we went back Monday, did it all again. Tuesday, I'm looking at, before the class started, I looked at Lee, I go, Lee, why are we here? Lee thought I was fuck on him. I'm serious. I can't walk. We go into this class, we start doing all types of swings. Then at the end, he closes up with three cleans, and you've got to walk across the floor,

and then put the thing down and do three more cleans. It's a great workout. I'm not complaining about the workout. Yeah. I'm just trying to stay in my state of mind. By that point, listen, the class starts at 11 o'clock sharp. By 1125, your mind is already throwing the food at you that you're going to eat. Yeah.

Because it's what's keeping you in that class. Every time he goes, this time we're going to do 10 swings. You're looking like, I'm going to know or not. We're just going to do two swings, and I'm tapping out. I'm taking my wife and I'm going to eat a steak. This is what in the back. Because every time you do a set of swings, the first thing you think about is the 9 inch. Because all I'm thinking about in class is a 9 inch, 9 ounce, 9 ounce to prime rib lunch from Morton's.

Morton's. Yeah. Birdback at 2195, 6 meals. They give you a chopped salad, an 8-ounce. filet with mashed potatoes to give you a fucking dessert a chocolate moose or a cheesecake. You can't go wrong for $21.95.

Even if you're a deaf meat, you're going and you drink water and you leave a tip. You can't go wrong. You're showing there with the small 27 a couple dimes. Nobody's feelings get hurt. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, the chop salad alone will fill you up. Yeah. Okay, never mind the eight-ounce

filet. So every time we do a set of swings, that's what's keeping me in class. I have no reason to lie to anybody. I'm a fat fuck. I go to class to work out, but to give you a little room to eat. Not to eat what you want. You go to Morton's after class? No, no, no. I'm just saying.

No, no. What do you think? I'm fucking Johnny bananas. I'm just saying in my mind, I settled for a protein shake. I wasn't going to judge you. I was going to do it next week. No. They got the 2194.

What a bad deal? No. No, you change the Mortons. I could totally go to Morton. You shoot on. I've been fucking dieting for four days. I can totally. get a good at us. You're killing yourself

to live right now. When we get out of it, you can still make it. You can pick up, who you're picking up? The little one of the people. Ila. Oh, yeah, she's in. Yeah. I don't. I don't. We'll fucking tear up a steak. Yeah. She'll sit with you and drink a glass of wine and not tell mommy and not...

Ila's all in. Ila's all fucking in. We're going to go for a steak, Daddy. She said to me yesterday, you know, we can help each other out every now. And so, what's that supposed to be? She goes, you give me Menchies, I'll get you what you need.

She loves Menchies. They had an explosion there last night, like one of the pipes ruptured. And so we went over to go to Menchies, me and the girls, and they were closed. And I was like, I'm not putting up with it. She just starts knocking on the door. And they're cleaning up, knocking the door. And the guy comes the door. And I'm like, are you guys closed?

And he's like, well, we just don't have any toppings. And I was like, everybody in. Like starts pushing through the door. Everybody in. We can still get ice cream? I go, yeah. So we got it half off. It was great.

Got Pekampi. I didn't get anything. But the girls murdered it. How do I guess we can help each other. We can help each other out. Is she watching movies on her phone or something? She says things that I don't know if she gets them from places. Because she says things that blow me away where you just go, where's that coming from?

Like I told you, we were in Maui and I got to fly to D.C. that afternoon. Like at like two. So I'm leaving at noon. So I wake up. I'm in bed with Ila. when I roll over and I go Hey baby it's like 6 a.m. Sun's coming up.

I go baby, let's go downstairs. Get a coffee and I'll get you a donut and we'll go down and we'll watch a sunrise and we'll go snorkeling before anyone wakes up And she says she goes, leave me alone. So I go, Ila. And now I'm like, now I'm like, now I'm rolled over and I got my head in her hip

like right, right between her hip and her ribs. I go baby, wake up. Me and you go downstairs. Get a coffee. Get a donut. Chocolate milk. We'll watch a sun. come up and then we'll go snorkeling.

And Joey, I swear to you, she rolls over, looks at me and she goes, you're tugging on a tiger's tail and went back to bed. That's that fucking kid. She just, and I go, in my head, like, she, I told you, I've sold this joke a million times, but when she was a baby, she sat on my

chest when I was waking up. Sat on my chest, woke me up and goes, guess what's in my hand? And I was like, I don't, now I'm now fucking panicking. I'm like, I don't know. She goes, a punch in the mouth and fucking hit me. And I remember saying, to her. I was like, this is really important, Ila. I go, did you come up with that on your own?

Because I'm going to tell that on stage tonight. And she was like, yeah, yeah. I just thought of it. It looks like a punch. Like, if you put something in your hand, it could be a quarter or a punch. I was like, fuck, that brain. You know, it's not, it's like, I say it's not like going to be useful to society in any way that we'll reap the benefits. But someone's going to reap the benefits on it with a fucking pistol on a table and a pound of coke.

This is how you get rid of a body. That's Ila. You're tugging on a tiger's. tugging on the tiger's tail And she went right back to bed Yeah and she says to us like that When you fuck with her She starts going

You're pushing a lot of buttons One of them's gonna be red And you're like What? I know A dude Her brain Works very differently Now don't get me wrong

She's dyslexic as fuck She's getting her ass handed to her in school Like I mean every year We're like Is she going to the next grade Because she has a really hard time In school

Can't read barely at all Like But the truth is man Her brain just sees the world Very differently And she's She makes, she's so funny. I mean, they were trying to do yo mama jokes.

And her rendition of yo mama jokes were so esoteric. They didn't make sense anymore. Yo mama's so poor. She has nuts in her purse every now and then because she wants to snack. And you're like, what? But her brain just, it spins out, you know? Like it just has, I don't know, man. Now, G is a genius.

George, yeah. She's, you got no B-Fit. She's perfect. She's perfect. The homework, you know, to tell her what to do, independent. She reads. Very nice. Very sweet.

Very sweet. Very loving. She's in honors classes. No drama. No drama. No drama. Going to be a knockout. No boys yet.

Nothing. Still believes in like Santa Claus. Like, I mean, the youngest sixth grader in the world. Still believes in Santa. Still believes in the tooth fairy. That Willie, we hide a little elf on the shelf everywhere. She still believes that he's magic and he watches her. Like, I mean, she's just like the, she's so perfect.

And Isla's already skeptical. I have this, Joey, I have this, and I'll post it on Twitter today. I have this. It is one of my favorite things ever. Ila on her Santa Claus list, maybe like two years ago, three years ago. One was, you know, I want a Polly Pocket. I want La Lopsies. I want Barbie camper.

And then one of them was, I'm not even fucking with you. Mind you, Joey, she was six years old. She wrote, I want proof that your gang is real. to Santa. I want proof that your gang is real. And then she took a fucking GoPro last Christmas and hit it on the mantle and started it.

And I went and I saw it. She was trying to cast Santa Claus. Started it. So I go in. I fucking, I see it. It's fucking blinking red light in the middle of our living room.

So I go in, I put everyone to bed. I have the video on my computer, on my computer. I won't post it because I don't, until they don't believe in Santa. I go into my bedroom. I go to,

sleep. I don't go to sleep. I just sit there for like fucking five minutes. Lights out. Everyone waits. I just walk right back in. I have a white mitten on. I have the bells in my hand. I get, I have a flashlight in my hand. I get underneath the, by the fireplace. I jump down and jingle the bells, right? I flash the flashlight around. Priscilla doesn't move. She just sees it to me. He just stares. Go ahead. I put her head back down. I reach my hand up with the mitten. I grab the GoPro. I turn it around and then I turn all the lights and I start walking around with bells and moving presence around. Then I take that, and then I let it play all fucking night long. I then take that

video and I simply splice out me walking in the room on I movie. I have fucking 40 minutes of video. I splice out me walking in the room and then it just looks like the room just sat still and all of a sudden out of nowhere, Santa shows up at the end

and then the next day I go, guys, the GoPro's dead and I was like, Dad, Dad, we got Santa, we got Santa. So I, mind you, I've done all the fucking work already. It took two seconds. You know, easy it is to splice out me walking into the room and getting under the thing and I just take it and I fucking let it play out for the whole 30 minutes like 30 45 minutes I let it watch the whole thing and they're like I don't see it fast forward fast forward I'm like all right I'm fast forward and all of

sudden they see Santa and Ila's like holy shit they see the glove come up they see it turn around and Georgia starts looking at me like mind you this is I thought she'd stop believing she started looking at me like like she found Jesus like holy shit like Santa's fucking real and I was like I don't know what to tell you guys. My dad looks to me. He's like, I think you're fucking your kids up. But yeah, man, they still fucking believe. I love, I love, I love the fun of being a parent.

Like, when they're still young and they're not broken yet. They're not fucking doing drugs. I mean, I was, at sixth grade, I was like two. I was one year off from drinking in sixth grade. I drank in seventh grade was the first time I drank. First time I got drunk, though, was in ninth grade. By drank, I sipped alcohol, you know, to just to be cool in seventh grade. You look at them, I look at my three-year-old, and her spirit is still alive.

Yeah. She hasn't bumped into life yet. She hasn't got hit at school yet. Her mind still hasn't wrapped around around something like why that happened. She thinks life is just ice cream and spaghetti and hot dogs and, you know, daddy throws her up in the ears. Doesn't hurt yet. Yeah. And it's really interesting to watch and to think that that was you at one time, you know.

Every day a pieceer, I go, that was me. That's fucking me, you know. I got her first report card today. How was it? It was all good except, you know, she doesn't ask questions. She don't like questions. She don't know nothing. Did she get rid of a little something for that?

You're like, oh, that's okay. Wait until she gets home because I gave her a hug there. Then they gave me the report card. And I just walked home very nonchal. And we got home, I looked at it. And then my wife goes, and did you actually read that? And I go, fuck, yeah. This is what a parent.

does. You're supposed to see what they're slipping. That is fucking genius. She doesn't like, she doesn't ask questions. She doesn't like questions. She doesn't like questions. She doesn't like questions. She had time for it. You know what? That's my child. I'm very proud of that fact. You know, what's with the questions anyway? What's the question? Well, you write the book?

You don't need to know nothing. Listen, man. I'm mercy. I'm here. What else do you need to know? Yeah, that's it. Don't worry about none. You know, it's so weird. I came from my house and my mom would look at me straight in the eye and go, listen. What fucking happens? the house is those three monkeys.

Meida Oiyayah, you know, this, this and this. And I had to live by that. Like, I had to live by that. Like, by the time, I was telling my friend, Julian, that when I was a kid, by the time I was eight, people would talk to me about drugs, I knew everything about drugs. Yeah.

I had seen coke in my house, and I couldn't say nothing. I couldn't say, you want to see how sure you about. No, I couldn't say nothing. I had to act like a fucking moron. And I played double agent for years. It took me years to get on a podcast and talk about that shit. I would never, that early life, what I saw as a young kid, that's a double life type. You can't talk about it.

You know, when I saw my stepdad shoot Nico Piccadillo on the 48th Street, I wasn't allowed to go back on Monday and say, hey, guys, fuck Saturday Night Live, and fuck your dad being a fireman. Let me tell you what I saw Saturday night at the fucking Santa Ria party. I couldn't say that. I kept that for years. I didn't tell somebody I saw my staff. stepdad shoot a guy or my stepdad beat up a guy in the Bronx over a fucking dog I never told that to anybody because can we pause for one second there's a lot of interference there's a what there's a lot of noise from something hold on no is in my phone

yeah sounds good all right there we go thanks sounds better yeah I'll be back yep okay what time is it I don't know I'm not late yet am I 120 oh I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine There's got tons of time, but I had to talk to you guys about something. I spoke to Lee about it. This is fucking crazy. When I was young, when I got left back and all that in the sixth and seventh grade, in the afternoons, I became friends with his family. I would go to their house. They were one of many families.

And they were really nice people. They were Spanish, and I go over, and they had two girls and a boy. And we became friends, and one day my mom died. We were all good friends. And they came up to me at the wake. And they were like, listen, man, just so, you know, we'd like you to be raised in the Cuban tradition. If you'd like, move in with us, you know. And I continued to go over there, even though I didn't move them with them.

I continued to go over there and visit with them and talk with them. You know, and by 82 one day, I just knew they had money in the house. And I walked in the back door and just took some money from the house, you know. And I did it a couple times, and I think they knew it was me. You know, they had the back door, and they had three kids, and they always knew that you could walk in the back door, you know. And I felt guilty. I saw them out one night, and I could see the way they were looking at me.

They were a little angry of me. And then life moved on, and I came out of here, and I never really thought about it. I felt bad, you know. And one day I went to the comedy show, and there they were. The one girl came. And then the girl came again, and then the girl came again with her sister. And they came and they talked to me. And the day, I'm like, I'm thinking of saying something to him, you know, because they invited me to like, you know, my dad still talks about you.

He was really proud of you. Come by and say hello, you know. And I was telling me I don't know what to do. Oh, well, fucking, I'm thinking about that. And bam, Thanksgiving comes. And I call my buddy in Jersey, who was my roommate in Boulder while I was awaiting to get sentenced. So here I am living with George. I get in trouble for kidnapping, okay?

I get out. I go to county jail for a month to get bailed out. I get bailed out. Me and George stay in that apartment. Like a week later, we get robbed. We get fucking robbed. Like, just robbed. Our apartment gets robbed.

In Boulder? In Boulder. We lose the TV, the VCR, the stereo. They took shit from our room. Okay. Then, about a week later, I slipped my arm open. Okay, with a dish. Oh.

and I didn't get stitches. I passed out. I slept for fucking two days. I got up and I bandaged it up and I put vitamin neon and the scar went away and I lived to tell us another story. I just had this run of bad luck. So it's March of 80s,

and I need a place to live. George wants to go home. He can't take him anymore. He's tapped out. Machine guns. The place getting raided. You know, this is just a house of doom. George wasn't used to that lifestyle.

My buddy from Jersey. I was, and I felt really bad. I wished them. lucky. I started to find the roommate and I called this one guy and guess what? He's from my hometown in Jersey. Only 10 years older. We know the same people. I'm moving

with him. He's great. I'm paying rent. I got a great bedroom. I got the side of the house. But I see this guy's up all night and he does sniffles and people come over at all hours of the night. I know what this guy's doing. Well guess what I bump into a stash. I'm lifting weights in the garage

and I'm looking at these paint cans. I'm like, why does this guy have so many paint cans? And I go over in the paint can, they all fill with ounces and two, three ounces of blow. Guy would get like a pound every two weeks from this Mexican dude that his parents had a gym in a part of Mexico. And this is where they had steroids. And this is where Stallone would take people to prepare them for Rockies and all his Rambo movies. And this was where at first, this is in the 80s where Stallone would go. Guadalajara, what I don't even know.

the real pretty one of the real pretty one he would the guy as parents had a gym but their real business was cocaine yeah and this guy would drop it off once a month and he'd have the cash and the paint cans i never touched his cash i always took a little bit of coke like a gram some nights i'd tick five grams some nights i'd take a half ounce gram i always felt fucking guilty but he was free basing so he wouldn't know how much he really did oh yeah he would tell me a week later jesus christ last week i woke up I did 40 grams. That's because I had taken seven of them. Last night I did 40 grams.

You know, I'm kidding you. Yeah. 30 years ago, in 87, this guy told me that he used to take a hit of crebase and blood would come out of his ass. So anyway, to tell you a long story short, I talked to him Thursday, and he tells me that he had a heart attack. I'm shocked he's still a lot. Right. But, yeah? Was it immediately?

When he snorts it, a little bit, blood comes out of his air. So he's telling me how he went to, he went to, in a heart attack, he went into the doctor and he found out he had cancer. He had dormant cancer from having sex in Vietnam. It's a type of sex disease that goes into your body and it sits dormant. And from him smoking and activated, he didn't get the cancer from smoking. it went to his throat, but they've got it out in time. And I go, how did you know you have it?

He goes, I was spitting blood, pure blood. I was just spitting it from time to time. And listen, guys, I could tell you a thousand stories. This guy was a sweetheart. In fact, at my wedding, he came over and he goes, there's something I really got to ask you. This guy is fucked up. Yeah.

And he goes, this something I really got to ask you. I go, what's that? He goes, was it you that was taking my cocaine? Yeah. And I go, no, it was. I lied to his face. It's your wedding day. You deserve it.

Listen, let me tell you something. I was really embarrassed about having to lie to a good friend of mine. And it always ate away of me. You know what? Every time I go to Jersey, sometimes we hook up, we just got a Cuban sandwich. He's a good guy, and he's a smart guy. And I came in here Friday, and I told Lee. I go, Lee, it's eat me alive.

I don't know what to do. So I called my man back yesterday, and I spoke to him a little bit. And I go, listen, I'm going to Jersey next week. If there's anything I could do to help you. And he goes, you know, I looked him. to something, edible. I said, I was thinking the same thing. So I called a few friends of mine. I got his address. I called a few friends of mine.

I said, send them some boxes. And hopefully we'll get together. You know what? Me going and looking them in the eye now and telling them that I robbed them is not going to make things better. But it's amazing how life works out. You know, that Spanish crown. I'm going to go see them when I go back. And the Spanish

crown, I'm still tempted to say, hey, without saying what I need to say here, I'm sorry. And you guys know why I'm sorry. Why open up a can of fucking mornings. I still remember one morning just being in a coma. One Friday morning, like just waking up, fucked up in the night before.

And one of my friends knocking on the glass where I was living and me looking over, we were living in a basement apartment, me and had beds on the floor, like animals. And I'm looking at the glass. And I'm going, come on, I'm out here. And just me going to the bathroom, throwing water in my face, brushing my teeth, combing my hand, getting in the car.

I'm going, where are we going for that? I go, let's go downtown. You know, it's nine in the morning. Let's go rob. And I would go down to town. I'd go park the car right here. Let me go from door to door, see what's going on. And one day, just going, you know what,

give me a ride by these people's house. I'm going around the back. The door was open. I still remember the exact day. And I'm going in the house, going in like this living room, and they had one of those beers from a German fest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You see those mugs. A stein. A stein that you open up the top. There's a lid. Fucking, yeah. And something, just attracted me to this dying. And I went in there and I stuck

my hand and then I took out $450. In my world at that time, it was like $10,000 fucking dollars. I ran downstairs. It was maybe 10 to 10. And I made this kid take me to 135th in Amsterdam

to some fucking Colombians who had a disco in a basement and who had chickens and they had a DJ booth. And they would play music. these fucking immigrants would sit there dancing, like to rap music, black people everywhere, looking at the people, and that this don't care.

It was hysterical. And I'd go in there two in the afternoon to buy fucking eight balls, and these people would be this going. Do you understand me? What I'm telling you guys, that I would go in there at two in the afternoon, and without exaggerating, they'd be 20 to 30 people on the dance floor,

already dancing, drinking at the ball, bar snort and blow. Who were there? Were they, like people who worked nights? People had to. They had to work nights. No, people who didn't work at all. This is people who snort to blow. Who snorts blow and dance and goes to work at night, late. You barely got up

at 5 in the afternoon. You had to be at work at 7. You're not going to get up at 12. We're going to do blow, drink. And I know, you know what? I got to go to work now. The cocaine is gone. Fuck no. Sober. These people didn't work. These were people who we have,

they were like street dealers. You know, those scenes and movies where it's two in the afternoon, there's three chicks sitting there doing their fingers, and they're all hotbed up, waiting for the guys to tell him to suck their dick. What are you doing in the room? Why are you here? I never understood those scenes. Like, why the woman

would sit there all day? Why not? Oh, Jesus. Christ, go somewhere. Go for a walk. It was all their girlfriends, and you would walk in the booth. In those days, it was $300 for an able.

And it was that good. This is, this is the, $300 is a lot, right? In those days, this was, this was the spring of 82, spring, February of 82, January of 82. It was $300. You got a half a gram free. And it was beautiful cocaine. And you'd walk into the disco. The guy would make you go into the DJ booth.

The, the scale was on. new thing. He put it on, there was two turntables, three turntables, and in the middle there was a gap for the fucking scale. And on top of the door, there was a slash with two different types of coke. He laid a line out for you while you were waiting. He cut it up for you. He was spinning music

while he was weighing up the coke. He put aluminum four. He gave it, and you walked back into your car on Amsterdam. Can you fucking believe that? And I had like a, whatever, I had balance, $150. I gave the kid driving a yardstick, and we probably went to the city you need somewhere.

and now what we did for the fucking 450 I robbed them for. I always felt guilty about that. That's why I still never forgot what I did. So I don't know if I give them a gift certificate. I don't know if I give them a check. I don't know if I just apologize. I just apologize.

Something like that. I don't think. Maybe give them, I don't know. I don't know. All I said was just say, sorry, and then see where it goes. I always think to myself, like, do you have regrets? Do you have regrets, Lee? Yeah, of course.

Like things that you go, God, I wish I could make that right. Yeah, tons of them. Like what? I have a bad relationship with my brother. Really? Yeah. How come? We've never got along.

At this point, it's not over at one anything. It's just, after five minutes, we're just always at each other's throats. It's just, it's a natural thing now. That's weird. Really? Yeah. It's okay. Maybe in the future, but.

as right now. More relationship regrets where you stop talking. I have a friend that haven't spoken to me. I have a couple of them. I don't understand. I have a friend now. My best friend, the one I took the picture with that I tweeted to you when I was young. Fucking, I called them up.

I invited them up. I said, listen, I'm coming up to Jersey. If you want to come up, get a hotel room. We'll hang out. You know, whatever. you want to do we'll smoke dope you come with me to Long Island the whole fucking deal

that's how young I was good God how old were you 18? Holy shit mustache and everything mustache and everything and he was fine and when I saw that

picture when his niece sent me that picture I realized how much I loved him and I missed him and the last 10 years I've seen him once at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York outside. We split a 500 milligram brownie. They called me three days later and he goes, I'll never eat that again.

That was horrible. I couldn't even think for three days. But he's my brother. He gave me a place to live when I was young. So, honestly, you ever you ever have a, and

this is going to happen to you. You come from a big family. You know what? Sometimes you just want to hang out with your sisters. But they've got to bring their kids and the boyfriend and the boyfriend's mother. them and the boyfriend's father. It's the opposite for me. Sometimes my sister's just want to hang out with me and not my whole family.

Because if they hang on my family, they hang out with my daughter's more. I don't even talk to them. And then Leanne, they love Leanne, so they talked to Leanne. And so, like, for Thanksgiving, my whole family, everyone went down to Tampa to see my parents' new house. And we go and the girls left Friday at Friday morning. And I didn't leave until Friday night. So I hung out at my parents' house for the day, like a kid. like with my sisters.

It was so cool because I never get to hang out with my sisters. Like just alone where you get to talk and go and you see their personalities and them not having to take care

of your kids or cater to your wife or my mom and my sister. It was really fun. It's different. And that's all I said to him. He goes, well, do you know what the reservation

for the hotel room? I never made it for you because you never told me. So he goes, if I come up, how many beds can you get me? I go, why? He goes, because

my daughter and her fucking boyfriend want to come up. Now, listen, man, I grew up with this guy. Yeah. You know, there's completely different things. I don't know you, Burke, Christ. One day, you're going to call me and said, Isla did this. And in my mind, I'm going to go, it's time to take Ayla for a ride.

And put a gun to her head and explain to her. This is what's going to happen to her if she keeps fucking around. We'll take it to a fucking neighbor. Or women are fucking fucking fucking around doing drugs and well, that's where you're going to end up. Yeah. That's what you want. We'll let you. Yeah.

Here's 50. Go. Why fuck around. Why put your mom through this anymore? You're killing your mom. You're killing your sister. And don't look at you. You can go, no, no.

Take me home in there. You got them. You got them. Sometimes you've got to take kids to the murky fucking waters. Sometimes you've got to take them to the murky waters. And this is what you want.

You want to kill me here. You want 50, right? I'll tell you what. I'll give you $500. Don't come back. I'll tell your mom that you just left with the dog. And they'll just look at you.

Don't just look at you. Sometimes you're going to take a kid and go. This is what you want. Look at that girl. Is that what you want to do with you like? It's going to happen. I can tell you two things. I'm sorry, Bert.

Or I can say, look, I love you, Bert. It's time to take her for a ride. Yeah. And, you know, we'll smack her around. We'll take her to a fucking yum yum house and tie her up and let her see what. She loves yum yum donuts. Oh, everybody does. Who doesn't love Yum Yum Yum Donuts?

Lee is that customer of the month. She loves Yum Yum. If you see him, they put a picture of Lee running out with a box of Yum Yum Dunners out of this fucking thing. I haven't got a yum yum donut. Since Thanksgiving. No, it wasn't me. He had the bright idea to have donuts on Thanksgiving. So before Jiu-Soo.

So I went and that's the only time I got recognized with two boxes of donuts. Two boxes of the young, yum. Mexican people recognize them for his picture on Tullumundo and shit. And I keep talking about being healthy and I have two dozen donuts and it's going to hang. I had two of those coconut donuts at Jiu-Jitsu. And that night I'm sitting there. It's one in the morning. I'm high.

And fuck. Listen, once I break midnight, I just go deeper than deep. I just start eating everything that's around me. I go on the balcony and smoke. And I just sit there and watch fucking whatever's on TV. Oh, my God.

And I went in the kitchen and on top of the baby chair was the box of donuts. I opened it up. It was two chocolate coconuts. I picked them both up with one finger. And I had two chocolate. And I fucking ate them both those fucking things. No, I don't know. I didn't know what.

to do for a few days, whether I apologize to these people. So what I'm going to do is I told my friend Jersey, I would hook him up, I called three manufacturers, one of them being gummies, and they're going to help them out and send them a bunch of shit today.

Today, they're like, we'll double fucking send them. I said, just bill me. Just get it over to the guy. He's in paying. He's got the fucking cancer. The other people, I don't know how to apologize. Because I didn't know they'd be in my life at this point in the fucking game. Yeah.

You know, so it's kind of weird how life works out sometimes. Sometimes you do something 30 years earlier. I have a bunch of friends I don't talk to. I have a bunch of people I just stop talking to and then, and then you grow so much in the time that you're not talking to them that to talk to them now would seem. I mean, honestly, and I've thought about it. Like, do I, you know, do I reach out to people and, you know, that I feel like I don't have any real ill will towards by just don't speak to anymore? Right, yeah. But then I go, I've changed so much, and I don't know if I can be the person that I was when I was friends with them then.

Who I was then was not who I am today. What the fuck do you know? What do you know? What do you know when you change? Let's give them the opportunity to decide. Yeah, but some of them are. If you feel some times that I made a few mistakes. Yeah.

The worst thing about social media is we got a bold dose of reality. Everybody in this room got a bold dose of reality. Salute. Everybody in this room and people listen to the podcast got a cold dose of reality on Facebook. I think it was Facebook because we all contacted somebody we should. And then we even got them on the phone to make matters worse. And once we started talking to them, see, this doesn't happen to you yet. But it's happened to me.

I've been out of high school for 30 fucking years. And, you know, how long have you been out of high school for? 20 years. 20 years. So now there's people that you bump into that you open the line of communication up with. It's a fucking big mistake. Now I think of it twice before I say to him, hey, send me over your fucking number because I have made so many mistakes thinking that that was the same person I was friends

with 20 years ago. Their priorities change. My priorities change. Their fucking chi has weakened because my chi has gotten weakened. So with different people. And now I'm trying to rekindle his friendship from 1981. He's a Buddhist. I don't get high no more.

You know, I had one guy that I loved growing up, and I saw him on Facebook, and I immediately reached out, and the last 10 years he had lived in Long Beach. It was crazy, and then he brought up a situation, and right of where I knew I had to get away from this, because he brought up a situation from 1983, that somebody had contacted him, that I hadn't mentioned the sister's name on a podcast,

which was two of sisters sat on Galliano bottles, in a fucking liquor at a fucking strip club and I tell the story all the time Tina everybody knows when you meet people when I see people

now from my hometown the third paragraph is remember the metal lands in the chick you used to sit on a Galliano bottle you used to sit in the galiano bottle people are going to mention that forever

and their death fucking bet people are going to say I want to thank my mother I want to thank Tina for sticking a galliano bottle up her ass all on Thanksgiving when my spirits were down she'd sit on a galliano bottle

She'd take a bottle of Budweiser, pop it, put the bottle, jerk herself off, take all the bee out of the bottle into a monkey, and then spray it at the audience. In 1982, okay? I was a young man. I witnessed it, and people wouldn't know he was her brother. They wouldn't know? Yeah. So he'd be standing. And all of a sudden, what are you?

Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Lee would walk over and go. Are you going to fuck? Are you going to fucking erotic banana night tonight? Because on Wednesday she had a thing that for $2, they gave you two frozen bananas. And you gave them to the strippers. They put them in their pussy and you can eat them.

You'd eat the banana. I don't like bananas to begin with. No, no, no, no. Let alone out of a pussar. You like these fucking bananas. These are good organic bananas. Organic? People pay big money at Whole Foods.

I made that mistake by saying people's names on podcasts. by using real names because I'm the same as you it's like I'm the same as you in the sense that there's a there is no I was talking to I was talking to someone about this the other day there's no real

like you look at Daniel Tosh and he is on stage a very different person than he is off stage you don't know who he is off stage all you know is his persona on stage off stage completely different guy there are a lot of guys like that you know that who they were on stage

was not who they were off stage but what I always like acting comedy, where the guys where you couldn't see the character and the act, you couldn't differentiate between the character and the act. It was the person. That person is who you saw on stage. Sam Kandeson, like Headberg, like all those guys I just dug. Like it tells a guy that is two different guys.

You don't know who he is offstage really anymore. You know, like, and you're like me is that the Joey Diaz on stage is identical to Joey D. is offstage. Maybe it's a little louder, a little more hyped, a little more energy. Maybe there's a lot more depth and range to who you are offstage that you don't show on stage, but for the most part all that depth, and I've seen it before,

you do it before, all that depth that you have, you don't give a fuck about sharing it on stage. If you feel like saying something or on a podcast or on stage, you'll fucking say it. This is who I am. I'm sorry, this is you're getting this. And it gets confusing for me because you get, you end up living

I end up And it's just taxing in a weird way Because I end up telling these stories Are writing in my book I wrote about this girl Jenny Powers And I just, I didn't even think I just wrote I wrote everyone's real name in my book There was the biggest fucking mistake

Big mistake You can only write the first name or the last name Like in a idiot Yeah I just used everyone's real names And fucking she reached out to me And she was like She was like are you fucking serious

Like this is what you thought of me in high school And I was like uh oh I had to call my I only have like one friend left that's like real, that's very real, where you can't fuck with him because he's been through it all. His name's Kamen. He's real. Like, you tell him, one thing is that fuck him.

Like, when I fell off that waterfall, I was eating pills a lot. And I was, like, freaked out. I was like, man, I'm eating a lot of pain pills to get through this. It hurts, but I'm still enjoying the pain pills. I called Kamen. I was like, I'm worried. He's like, da, don't worry, man. You got to be taking fucking 10 at a time before you start getting concerned.

Like, he's just one of those real motherfuckers. And, uh, and I talked Kamen about it. He was like, that fucker. You shouldn't remember. That's, that's real. What are you going to do? Everyone's got a better memory of themselves when they tell it to you. Oh, in high school, I was a fucking star baseball player.

Well, kind of. You were first string in a fucking private school baseball team, you know? But like everyone's got a fucking tainted memory of themselves. But I'm the same way as you. It's like that guy I am on stage is identical to who I am off stage. It's almost like, and I don't know if you'll like this analogy, but it's almost like this Bill Murray effect. It's like, I know that people have told me they hung out with you and I got high with

Joey after a show. I hung out with Joey after a show. He sat and we all went and ate or something. And it's just like a fucking, it's like, for you, it's not a big deal. For them, it's, they're hanging out with the performer. Does that make sense? Like, it's, like, it's a lot of weight to them. Like, when I hang out after a show and I drink, people are like, I can't believe you're

hanging out drinking. You're like, well, that's what I'll do. That's what I was going to do anyway. I was going to sit here and drink. I'm going to fucking go to my room and drink by myself. But it gets convoluted. Some people, they just went off into regular life, and their Facebook profile pages are all the best part of them.

It's not the bad parts. They don't share the secrets and the things they don't like. All they have is the picture, the one time they flew on a private jet, and the one time they were on a yacht, and the one time they're in Mexico, and the one time they're in Hawaii. And their kids, after 40 fucking pictures, they pick the best one and,

drop out the kid that's got the lazy eye. Those people, I don't, I'm not those people, and I don't get those people. But those people, when they run into me and you, and I think that we give them like a reflection of what we remember the truth to be, or what we see, what we remember those times to be, they're just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I fucking changed. I'm not that guy. Nah, you're still that fucking guy. If I'm this guy, you're still that guy. And if you, if that's who you were, then you can change. You can be different, but maybe, you know, I got a friend.

I had a really good friend who was a very wealthy dude. One of the richest guys in all of Tampa. We used to party a lot. I mean, we used to party our whole fucking lives. Up until I had Georgia and Ila, and we were at Edmonton for a wedding. And we got fucking wasted.

We had a fucking great time. Then he got sober. And like, I'm not saying, don't get sober, but he called me up one morning. He heard me on radio. And it was like New Year's Eve.

I was drinking champagne. And it was like fucking eight in the morning. And he fucking. pulled me like he said let's meet up so we met up at like on davis island and i'm with my film crew i'm in a limo with the people driving you around for the club taking into radio i'm done radio going down to eboard city to get some cuba food and have a fucking another cocktail it's like maybe 10 in the morning now he just looks at me he's like uh you need to grow up oh last time i ever spoke to the guy was one of my best friends let i look i went i need to grow up making a dickload of

money working i'm having a great time i'm not fucking doing coke at the morning i'm having some champagne and some drinks and I got a film crew with me and I'm in a limo. If anyone got an opportunity to be in a limo at 10 in the morning getting driven around, being treated like a celebrity and someone opened a bottle of champagne on New Year's morning, you'd fucking have a sip. And I just looked at him and I was like

last time I ever talked to him. There's nothing worse than the people who stop getting high. Who get pissed at people who get high. Yeah. Listen, I don't do a couple more. It's eight years. I don't want to do it. You know, I don't want to hang out in their

with somebody. Like, I can't imagine getting pulled open. You got an eight ball on you. And now I got to do time because of you. I got to go tell my wife, my wife's going to look at me

and go, I thought, you, whatever. You know, people who listen to the podcast, I go, whatever. So, but I don't get mad when people do it. Right. You want to come to a show

and get fucking blessed. At all as you shut the fuck up, I would never, ever at all. It's those idiots that don't get high and judge people, they drive me up a fucking wall. And they use it.

It's who they are. are now. Like, I've been clean and so, but who gives the fuck? Before that, you were sucking dick like everybody else in the fucking room. So, go fuck yourself. Who gives a fuck? You know, there's two many of those people here. They're two, well, yes, I used to do drugs. So did everybody else. Big fucking deal.

Said it everybody else. You know, guns and roses, you know, the Eagles, there's a big thing going on with the Eagles right now that they're doing something and they're not inviting. Not inviting three of the guys. Three of the guys. Yeah. Let me tell you what happened to the Eagles. They grew up.

They realized this was a business. Don Henley and Glenn Fry realized this is a business. And listen, we were broken up for 20 years. Yeah, that's fine. But guess what? Me and him had number one selling songs and we acted and we did movies and we did all this. So we kept the Eagles alive. Now Lee wants to walk in here and get 30% that's coming there.

I can't give it to you, Lee. You've been living on Laurel Canyon telling people you hung out with Tom Petty when you were a kid. I've been out there doing it. So they threw out Don Felder. That's the only one that bothers me. Really? The other two, they were there for one or two hours.

They're keeping Joe Walsh, right? Well, yeah, Joe Walsh was the reason of course. It's not fair. Joe Walsh showed up later. Don Feldar wrote Hotel California. Really? Yeah, but what happened with Don Fender, he's one of these guys that he didn't need much.

You know, Don Feltz didn't need much. Don Felt is, okay, just to make it. simple. The Kardashians hang out with a dude that has brown hair and he's married to a chick with blonde hair. That's Don Felder's daughter. Don Felder has been on the Kardashians before. Really? Yes. Is he rich?

Well, he didn't need for much, but he still partied. So when they had that big sponsor, that big tour in 99 when they made the comeback and it was $250 a fucking ticket, he had to sign paperwork that he was an employee. And they're like, what are you talking about? I was there from the beginning. You know, he showed up like, hey guys, here's the bronze and the booze. And they looked at him. They all had suits on

and haircuts. And they were like, no, we don't even talk to each other. We just play as a band now. Same thing happened to the Beach Boys. I got really into the Beach Boys like a couple weeks ago. A couple months ago, after I saw that movie Love and Mercy with Paul Dano, fucking great movie. But man, the Beach Boys now, I think they're all employees. Like Mike Love does his own Beach Boys tour. Brian Wilson's got his own It's bizarre

And they're family They're cousins It's very interesting You said something I had a conversation with Slash That was very interesting And it's true with comedy I bumped into him one weekend

I was flat broke I was opening for Joe at the Riviera They paid a hundred a set It was the midnight show Sharipa gave you a card To eat with the employees Roast beef with teeth marks in it You know bread with fingers

Oh, my God, teeth barks in it. Little muffins with fingerprints in them. The people, they put their finger through them. It was a horrible experience. And I walked around the casino. I had no weed. Joe didn't smoke then. You know, Joe would get pissed of you smoked in.

This is 99. Holy shit. And I see Slash. I saw him at Burbank Airport. And then now I saw him at the casino earlier. And now there he is. Just walking around at one day in the morning. And I went up to him.

I introduced myself. I met you at the room on sunset. I met Ahmed where in the room then? Dublin's. Before Dublin. What was it before? The union. Okay.

It was the union. It was first opened by Ahmed Ahmed and the movie star's girlfriend. What's the movie star? I met her about him. It was roommates with. Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughan's earlier girlfriend and a mulata girl that had a lot of hair on her back. She was cute as fuck, but she had tons of hair on her back.

Looking it back. A lot of girl had tons of hair on her back. She was like a were wolf. I used to look at him and go, how much hair is she possibly having a monkey? It's like a fucking bald head. I mean, she was cute. So they used to book it.

But to make a long story short, I introduced myself. And again, I said to him, what really happened to guns and roses? And he asked me if I was broke. And I said yes. And he goes,

you work hard. Yes. These are going to be the best times of your life. He goes, wait until you're getting letters from lawyers telling you what you can and can't say on stage. That's when this changes. That's when this really changes. That's when people don't justify the work they did.

In his case, he got a check in the mail, and he freaked out. He hired like a psychic. When I first moved to L.A. in January 97, the second celebrity I saw was Axel Rose. at Gorky Park. Gorky Park. Gorky Park is a Russian park. There was a movie called Gorky Park. I know that.

Gorky Park is a park on Fountain Boulevard. Over in Hollywood where they play chess, the old bunch of men play chess. And there's a farmer's market on Mondays and Tuesday. Yes! Big swing sets. We used to do the girls' birthdays there. It's on Gorky. It's on down the block from the guitar center.

Yeah. Right there. Right there. down the block and the guitar. Me and Josh Wolf lived in that building there. And then over his Gardner, over his, uh, where Mitch Heedberg lived with Nick DePaolo and then over his curse on. But right there, that used to, when we first moved here, they sold nickel bags of the Russians in the back of the park. Big swings back there. Yeah, big swings. Yeah. Big swings. Big swings. Well, back, one day I'm walking out and there's Axel Rose and like this.

The Dodge Viper? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember the old dog? I remember the Dodge Viper. Like, a yellow one, like, it stuck out like a fucking, like a, like a black dude in Nashville. Like, he just stuck out, Jack. Let me give some shoutouts and we'll get you out of here. Yeah, I got to go get out.

Oh, hey, this weekend, I'm at the Irvine Improv. Are you this weekend? Thursday, Friday, Saturday? No, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Oh, beautiful. Yeah, Friday Saturday Sunday. And then what all the dates you have? That's it.

Oh, well, then I'll start up in. uh, January and I'm on tour until June. So go to burp-burr-burt.com. Check out my vlog on my YouTube page. I'm doing them. I'm doing them. I'm trying to do them daily or by daily twice a week, three times a week. So go to my YouTube channel, subscribe, and, uh, and then check on my podcast.

Joey, we're going to do a two-parter. A two-partner. A two-partner is going to come on next week and we'll do it. Well, after I go to Jersey, I'm going to see these two people. Yeah. I'm going to see what happens and see how we'll talk about this. We'll talk about this. We'll continue it.

Let me give, uh, a hundred people. P.m. 1 p.m. Hebrew. A shout out, Marty 101 hoster. Chris Arena. Leon Vega, my main man holding it down in Spain. J.T. always on there fucking around. A cruzky, Chris, Brendan. No, 19. Crustkill, Chris, Brendan Stuff, the main bastard and Boston John. You all get shout out. This Saturday I will be at governors and long motherfucking island bitches. And then December 17th, St. Lazaro's birthday, I will be at the American Comedy Club in San Diego. Lee will not be there. He will be in a love shack, tying mom up, getting an earbeat about Atlanta. What's the name?

About who? What's the singer she likes? Alana Delray, telling you about her feelings, Alon Del Rey, and what it means to her when she hears those songs. And you got to sit there and take that earbeaten until you finally said, and what's going on with that dick sucking you had in mind. Oh. There's a fucking, uh, I gotta get this cabin fucking rocking and shit.

But you sit there and take, you probably sit in the cabin and text with it. No, I want to take that. You got to text to him. Come on over here, sniff this fucking Jew nutsack. Oh, my God. It's so funny to see Lee go from when I walked in and we had a, we had a, we had a coherent nice conversation to see him blinking off over in the quarter. Oh, my God.

I had 600 milligrams because, you know, can I say what you said when you came in? Of course. Yeah. He were like, what's a good amount to have if I just want to go to sleep? And I was like, well, it's not a good question to ask me. He goes, my limits are really, I'm not saying I'm at Joey's level, but I'm close. I told, I would love to be able to take a little bit of an edible and have it. You work like a Xanax and just put you to sleep or like an ambient.

Be the healthiest way to go. What the fuck do you think I do every then? How do you think I fall asleep the best? I got fucking pills at the house. And I'll tell you what, there's some nights I take the pills just to give me a different high. But you want to sleep like a fucking baby? Yeah. I got the recipe.

What is it? One of these stars, maybe two of these stars. Joey, Joey, you realize that would fucking cause, how many milligrams is that? Let's pretend you eat 250. Let me tell you what's going to happen to you. You're going to sleep seven fucking hours before you even know what hit you. You got to wake up with a pill. pillow over your face.

You're going to be on. No, I'm going to be thirsty as fuck. You're going to get up. You're going to go pee. You're going to go drink some water. I love. One of them is going to ask you, are we going to do this? And you go, hold on.

I'll be right back. You're going to go right back into that bed and slip three more. I was going to be the best tenor. I was going to be your life plus. If you've worked out, it's going to clean all the acid out of your muscles. Really? And you're going to feel like a new man. I popped 375 milligrams yesterday.

Then I went home and I popped two fucking Z-boats. And I smoked another. the jeepo on top of that about 1230. A big bill and the jeepel? By 1 o'clock, I was on fire in that living room. I turned the TV off, it took me 10 minutes just to get up. You understand?

I love those. But once I got up, I went right to that bedroom. And when I woke up this morning, I didn't even know where I was. I didn't know what country. I had to drink a big cup of coffee. Yeah. And I had talked to them for a little while just to get my speech back and shit like that.

And then... Just to get my speech. Speech back. Sure. You got to get your speech back because it's all fucked. Oh, my God. Fuck is, yes. We'll have fun in Jersey.

Listen, man, I read something very interesting that's not surprising. What's that? That prescription pills are down because people eat medical marijuana. It's not a surprise to me. God forbid something in your family gets some type of cancer and the radiation. This guy, Manet, was telling me a story, how he, he said. stopped eating. He stopped eating. He goes, it wasn't even enjoyable no more. I couldn't taste food. And then he ate the last thing he thought a can of chef boy, Adi. He goes to bravioli, and

he brought him back to being a kid. So he went back to the supermarket. He bought a bunch of cans of that, and that opened up his appetite, you know what I'm saying? So this shit at night, I'll tell you, this is the best. I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you. And even if you don't like edibles, you get something that's strong. And you just take a little bite off. you'd be surprised. I'm teasing you. You wouldn't know what are those? And of course, the Tiva, or just a hybrid?

You want to go to sleep, or you want to ask questions? I want to go to sleep. What's it ever? Yeah. Yeah. What are you, hippie? You go to this farmer's market and talking about chutney and shit like that. No.

I wish mercy could come into that, too. Do you ever eat edible? No. Okay, so all you... The only time I've ever eaten animals is with you. Okay, so this is all you need. And I tell you this is the sincere way. This should last.

This will last you two weeks. And two weeks, I'm talking about seven nights a week. This is seven nights. Take a piece here, take a piece here. Now, knowing you, because we're family, you want, huh? I'm gonna cleanse, okay. You're gonna drink a glass of wine, which is the igniter. Oh, really?

Sure. You know what happens to me if I drink a glass of red wine and you don't have a fucking star? Yeah. I have to go to the hospital. Really? Really? Oh, my God.

You will get fucked up. If you drink the wine first and smoke reefer, you will get sick. You will pupe. If you drink the wine first. And then smoke, you will peep. You will put a bad headache and you'll get sick. I've never had a good experience smoking and drinking at the same time. Me neither.

Me neither. Oh, I love it. I love it. But let me tell you something. I'll tell you what you do. Get one of those Club W bottles tonight. Is she coming over? No.

Perfect. you eat a because you try it by yourself because now you have something to offer don't do it with it because if you have a bad night then this wasn't that good you look like a fucking jerk off but I tell you what you eat one of these you need 300 right now you need you ate six so you're damaged for today right but tomorrow you eat two stars one and you drink you get a glass of wine and you take two sips out of it and see what happens well that's the thing you're gonna feel the best you felt ever it's

going to change the way and then a little by little, but you follow. I mean, this is to sleep. I'm not talking to go out because the red wine will fucking zap you. Okay. You drink white wine or red wine? A red wine. See, that alone. I don't know how you're not.

A glass of red wine is one of the healthy. If you take care of your body, drink red wine and fucking take time to make something that day with garlic in it, you will live to be 100. Oh, I got garlic and broccoli sauce. in the fucking fridge with Chinese people no no no I just got made it I made like roasted it then I'm trying to be healthy this month

yeah no so if you chop that garlic up and you drink a little bit of red wine and that yeah now listen people will get them different with you if you drink a bottle of red wine that's a complete different situation but a glass of red wine will never kill anybody I don't give a fuck I know living proof I don't drink I don't have a taste

to drink when I want a plane if I remember the Southwest coupons and you know even when I my first class guy, I got an upgrade. I'm always shy to ask. Yeah. Like Delta has the description of the menus, like nutty, nutty this and nutty this.

And I'm always like, maybe I should get a glass of wine, but I know I get too fucked up. Yeah, I don't, I like, it's interesting. I haven't drank, I haven't drank in four days. I'm a big drinker by all. No shit, Sherlock. But, but I don't miss it. Like, I don't, I don't have one of,

I'm not one of those personalities that needs to drink to have a good time or needs to drink to do something or needs to, to drink at the end of the night. I'm more about rewarding myself with like fucking anything, just like fucking pizza. Like, I'm about rewards. I want to reward myself. That's where I'm fucking, that's the interesting thing

is when I get into these healthy modes. I find myself denying myself anything, and it's just odd. I have a question for you. Because I saw on your Twitter. How is the cauliflower pizza crust? Fucking amazing. Okay, come on.

Because Paula made that. It's okay. It's not amazing. Did she, it was amazing? It was, she made her, it was good, but it was, it's not like pizza. Did she, but I'm a pretty good cook. She's, I mean, she's pretty good. It tasted okay, but I was like, it's not.

Well, first of all, I spiced it up, a lot of garlic on top. Okay. And then I, and I used a good sauce on top. I used buffalo mozzarella, so I had, like, nice, good mozzarella on top, and, uh, and I fucking loved it. I'd have it again. The only problem is it's just no carbs. It's not healthy. There's a ton of cheese in there.

Right. It's not like I'm looking to be healthy also. All right, I should go. I gotta go pick up Ila. Go ahead. Go do your thing. I love you. I love you, Joey. Thank you for coming on. Don't forget my main man is in Irvine this weekend. If you got knowing nothing, I was there last weekend. The fucking rape room. The Umami burger is delicious. Oh, fuck umami burgers are. I forgot.

That's right. You're going to shit blood for four fucking days. Is there a bathroom up here, Lee? Yes, there is. And I love that you came on and gave my best of the fucking. family, you know, I love you guys. I love you, as usual. As usual, do not forget our main sponsor, I love them with all my heart.

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Hemp protein. I loved it with all the chocolate. It's delicious. A couple ice cubes, some water, a banana, some peanut butter. Okay, that's what I had for dinner last night. I love Anna. I love the hemp force protein, but do me a favor. Do yourself a favor.

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That's how good honor it is. On the third, losgumis-ermanos.com. From now on, no more nailed at life. They're done with vapor pens. Go to Los Goumysermanos.com right now. I want to thank On It. I want to thank MyonD's.com. I want to thank Blue Apron Club W.

All our sponsors. Who else? Texture. I want to thank everybody for the love and support Nailed It Life. Hitties Sigs. You're all a bunch of bad motherfuckers. Support these guys. Don't forget Long Island.

Saturday night, December 17th, Long, San Diego, California. Yeah, Lee, what do you got cooking, cocksucker? Just flying you radio. Blind you radio. Dude, I'm... What? You're what? Yeah, just flound your radio, man.

That's right. That's all you got for Uncle Joey. That's all I got right now, man. All right, my brother. Lee's going to take care of the catch while I'm done. He's my brother. I also want to congratulate Lee. He's doing his first jujitu tournament this weekend over at John Jok Machado,

toys for whatever. All I got to say is, I don't have the balls to do a competition. Lee's going to go up there. He's been working hard. And from the bottom of my heart, I'm very fucking proud of you, because this is going to change you as a person.

This is going to change you as a man for a long time. You're either going to love it. They're either going to sit on your face and break your elbow. Or you're going to go in there on Monday and really kick the fuck out of it. I'm really proud of you, man. You even get the balls to do it. So congratulations, win or lose.

You're a fucking winner. You don't lose on this move. I'll do it. I'm happy I'm doing it. This is what the church is all about. It's trying things and doing it. Nothing happens on the couch. Nothing.

It's going to be interesting. He's 280 pounds. Who gives a fuck? You're 220. 230? 230, 280 if you're fucking really lay on top of him. So you've got every opportunity in the world. And just the fact that you're going, it's going to rise you as a human being.

Watch, you're going to tell me on Monday you feel completely different. Everything feels different because you did something for yourself, man. And I'm really proud of you from the bottom of my heart. Congratulations. Well, thank you. For taking the move. And besides that, I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. I want to thank Bert Christ.

I want to thank you guys for listening and for support and for keeping Savage Dad at number one. I can't ask for anything else from you guys. Thank you very much. You're helping me prove a point. So thank you. Have a great weekend. We'll be back next Thursday, December 10th. I'm taking Monday and Wednesday off with the family.

but I'll be periscoping you motherfuckers so stay black I love you and we'll talk next week from New York what are you waiting for I'm looking for what we wanted to close with you know what we're closing with Tom Freddy

yeah yeah yeah Jesus Don't try to fight it Don't try to save me Oh I say to now