The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #339 - Theo Von

Episode Date: December 11, 2015

Theo Von, Comedian who's special, "No Offense will be on Netflix soon', joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you Texture. Go To texture.com/history to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkou   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada.   Recorded live on 12/10/2015.
   Music:  The Lemon Song - Led Zeppelin I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Remedy - The BLack Crowes  

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Go to Onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products like AlphaBrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune and Shum Tech Sport It's a code word church ticket 10% off What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's the church Thursday

December 10th Theo Van The Flying Jew Cuckoo Cuckoo In my children Where the fuck you've been Uncle Joey

What's happened You bad motherfuckers Uncle Joey here with my man Theo Vaughan and Lisa. I don't know a lot of you people like Joey, what the fuck you've been? I was on vacation. I don't take fucking vacations, but I had to take a vacation. I got a wife and a child now, and I got to act like a fucking individual.

I can't just, I didn't take my, listen, I was my wife 15 years and never took it to New York. Really? That's where I'm from. Never fucking took her? Never. I'm not in the mood. I only go back to do comedy. I don't go back to the dilly dally.

When I go back to New York, I fly in, I go to my favorite Chinese restaurant, I do radio, The next day after fucking radio, I go to the cemetery. I put flowers on my mom's grave. And then I do my four fucking shows. Like, I get the fuck out on the first flight on Sunday. Just like I do every other goddamn city. That's it. I try to see some people in between, you know.

A school teacher or two. Maybe, you know, something. Really? Yeah, I still talk to my school teachers, two of them. I was going to go to dinner with the one, but he had to take his grand kid out of the hospital. He wanted to meet me later on, but we would go leaving early, so I couldn't meet him at 10.

That's fucking awesome day. So, you know, we never really took a break. We never. And we did last Monday and last Wednesday. I took off Monday we were going to do last night. But I tell you, Theo, I hate fucking doing podcast when I'm tired. I don't want to give nobody, as Jimmy Schubert says, the short shrift. You follow me?

I was just out of it last night. The five and a half hour flight with the fucking baby. Oh, that's miserable, dude. See, by myself, I eat a fucking pot cookie. Right. And I get stoned. I fall asleep for half. When you have the family, you got to get, and I got caught smoking vapor on the fucking

pen tremendous. I had one of those paper pens and I just filled it up. It was it's just brand new. I took the inhaler with me. They have an asthma inhaler now. So I took for the pot? For the reefer. Oh, it's dabs. It fucks you up.

So I took that with me to New York and I sprayed it twice, you know, a couple times on the plane and it kept me there and I hit it when I was in New York and I hit it with Ari when I went over to see the tree and the fucking Sax Fifth Avenue and all that shit. And I ran out. So I had this brand new to Graham oil from Perennial.

And I opened it up before I got on the plane. I charged it up. First 10 hits, it's like fucking death hits. Like, they're just fucking clouds of smoke. So I hit it two times. Then I got in the plane. Like two hours into the fly, look at my daughter. And every time I would hit it, it would go by my daughter because she had the window seat.

So I go, I can't let her have it. So I go, let me go to the bathroom. I'm in the bathroom with the fucking iPod on. Listen to the pink floor. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I got the iPod. This is how fucking crazy I am.

I'm not listening. It's Wish You Were Here. That's the album I'm listening to it because it was like shine on you crazy diamond and have a cigar. I ate edibles. I had like three, four red stars. Listen, you had a little magic in your sister. Oh, I was fucked. I was fucked up for the first two and a half hours because I got, I didn't get fucked up on the way there and it made a big difference.

I got agitated at the two hour mark. And the two and a half hour mark, if you don't have something, what's the move? What's Maddenabre? Max is finished. Right. You're ready to kill a motherfucker on the flight. Mad Max is not the movie to watch on a fucking plane. Because there you are sitting there.

Everybody's driving, jumping over people and shit, shooting motherfuckers. And you're sitting there next to some fucking politician or some shit. You want to get up. You want to get up. So I said, fuck that. So I dosed myself on the way I had Virgin. I had main cabin select. It's the one behind first class.

So we could all sit together because in first class, we couldn't all sit together. I would have to sit by myself and she'd be fucking crawling back and forth. like fuck that. Just get the main cabin select. How tall of the child you have? She's a fucking midget. She's three, you know? She's just a little bit.

But how tall do you think she is? Oh, she's up to... Oh, that's not very tall. No, she's a little baby. Oh, that's not very tall. So I got up, I go to the bathroom, I close the fucking door. And I'm in there, and I'm hitting this pen,

and I see clouds to the over. And I'm like, wow. What color was that? Fucking clouds of smoke, and I'm hitting this vapor. And I'm hitting this fucking sat. With your iPod, on. With the iPod on, listen to

the fucking shine on you, crazy diamond. And all of a sudden I hear, and I see the little red light going and they're like, open up, are you smoking in there? And I put the thing in my pocket, and I take this out, and I blow a couple clouds of this shit. And I go, hold on. Like, I'm

putting my dick in my pants, which I really did piss. And then I fucking wash my hands. And I go, what's the problem? And she goes, were you smoking in here? I go, no. Wow. I go, do I look like I look like. She looked like it. She goes, this is a smell like smoke. and she took, oh, they take everything out to garbage. They do everything.

They look for a cigarette. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. And now, what were you doing the whole time? I'm standing there. I don't know what happened. I banged it.

When I came in, the plane shifted, and I hit the wall. And that's the next thing, you know, you people are knocking on my thing. And they're like, we don't smell no smoke. I wonder what made it go off. And I'm sitting there going, they fucking know. They just play. Oh, really? But then they were cool.

The rest of the flight. Espionage, bro. I sat there. They were cool. And at the end, I gave my wife the keys. I told my wife, I go listen, they call me in the bathroom. I'm only going to arrest it, so take the car keys. I'll see you at the house.

What did you say? She just fucking looked the other way and like shook her head. What isn't my wife going to fucking say at this age? Damn. I'm 50. What are you going to say to me, you're punished? And then I walked off the fucking plane like I owned L.A. Nobody said dick to me.

Did you think, though, somewhere in your head that whenever you got to L.A., there was going to be people there? Oh, fuck yeah. They've been waiting before. I've been approached at the plane one time on the way to Columbus. Is it kind of cool? it just fucking not cool? If you're getting off a plane, you've got an ounce of weed in your nutsack. Yes.

It ain't fucking cool. But if you get off the plane and you're cool, you know, you don't, like the one time I was in Columbus, I had weed on me. And some guy said, I didn't do nothing. He leaned back and he went on one second. He turned out. He was, fuck you. So I said, fuck you.

Sam, I kicked the chair and he went and told the story. So I was the bad guy the rest of the fucking fight. Oh, geez. And then do you start to feel like the fucking bad guy too? You know, you know the bad guy? Oh, yeah. You know the bad guy? You know the fucking bad guy.

Yeah. put that seat back again. And here's what happened. We went to Columbus. They got us off the plane. They got statements from both of us, and they let us go. And a year later, they got on the plane, that same fucking guys. How are you doing?

And I just sat there the whole time, like a little fucking... So in all your year of being on the plane and, like, having weed under your nut and all that, you never once smoked a cigarette in the plane? No. Wow. In 1983, I was flying. You used to be able to, didn't you? Yeah, you could smoke in the flight.

In Russia, you can't have heard. Really? Mm-hmm. Do anything in Russia? Uh-uh. But I heard that you can, though. You could smoke in, like, certain areas. You could smoke on a plane.

But I tell you what I did see one fucking time, though. Fuck, you broke my thing. I don't even know what I was going to say to you. Smoking on a plane? Smoking on a plane. Smoking on a plane? No. But in 1984, February, 1984, I got on the plane in Aspen.

It was Aspen, Denver, Denver, Denver. Jersey. And the way back from Denver to Jersey, there was a soldier next to me. I had a brown bowl and weed. And I'm like, you want to get all right, that's when you can smoke cigarettes on a plane. He's like, let's go do it. We went to the back fucking thing. Me and this guy had

a wooden fucking bowl. I put the weed in there. Weeds took two pops. The whole plane smelled like they were pissed. Two smoking marijuana on the plane. We're going to search. They didn't do shit. I walked out of there with that soldier's saluting the cops and shit. Yeah, I'd take a chance from time to time.

For a soldier, you got to, bro. I get a soldier. I'd get him doked out of his brain if I'd have enough dope for him. They fucking press heavy-duty charges on you one night, Leo Ron. I got so fucked up at an airport. I had 12 ounces of blow on me.

I was coming from New Jersey. No. Do people from New Jersey get busted for Coke more often than other people you think? I don't fucking know. I was a fucking criminal. And I was living in, I was living in Aspen. And Coke was 1,800 and 1,800 an ounce. Right. And I'm like, are you fucking people getting me?

I'm paying 800. And they're fucking beautiful ounces. And I could cut it and still make money. I go, fuck it. So I started getting guns and bringing them to the East Coast and started bringing Coke back. But this was the problem that I would take the 1 o'clock flight from New Jersey to Denver. And that's really 3 o'clock, which would get me in there like at 7 and it would start snowing. I started to take a connecting flight from Denver to Hasman.

That flight would always get canceled. Here I am in Denver Airport. We 12 ounces of blow. Geeked out of my face at the fucking bar. I remember one night I was at the bar just drinking fucking doing lines in the bathroom. I kept putting a Coke in a locker. And I kept spending all my money in quarters taking the Coke out. And I became friends with a guy at a bar.

Me and him started snorting. We got fucking. lit at 6 a.m. I've stayed in the airport all night getting fucking cocked up, jerking off in the men's store the fucking bathroom. That is dark. That's fucking, yeah, yeah. Dude, that's the dark side. Oh, my God. That's the worst, bro. You're just up with your fucking ideas, feeling your fucking pulse.

What's up, Lisa? It's been a week without an edible. I know. I'm just glad I'm just glad I'm over the back from out of space. I don't know if you guys know. I'm pretty high, man. Oh no, fuck you. We don't fuck around. My boy joined Jiu Jitsu two months ago, three months ago, and he did his first fucking tournament. I've been going to Jiu Jitsu for two fucking years, and I'm still scared to go on the tournament. Lee went Saturday.

It's so much more fun than practice. He took third fucking place. No way. Out of three people. That's true. You know what place I took? No fucking place. I was there.

I was walking around a fucking Central Park with ducks, and there you are fucking choking motherfuckers. My heart goes out to you, bro. You're a bad motherfucker. Yes, commendable, bro. You could have fucking... Commendable, bro. You could end up in fourth place, right?

You could have got disqualified. You could have showed up. Yeah. I had a little bit of a, like, I have bronchitis right now, so I wanted to quit, but I knew if I didn't do it, you, John Butt and everyone will kill me. So I'll just go. No, we wouldn't have killed you. I understand.

What was the match like? I wanted to see you play out the hand. See, I was never scared of it. Like, I've said, I wrestled in high school. It was never good, but I knew I wasn't going to, like, finish it. physically die or occasionally someone breaks an arm or something, but that's not even the end of the world. It really, I've been losing weight for the past couple years and it really kicked it into gear that I need to finish losing the weight because I was rest, I was, because it was a smaller tournament, I'm 228 right now. I was going against people who were like 290, 280.

So it was I, it wasn't, it wasn't an ideal situation for me. Were you pretty like, were you pretty like, did you smoke first? No, God. People ask me that, man, I can't imagine doing that high. I don't snob before Jiu-Jit, it makes it happen. When Javier was choking me that night and I was stoned out of my mind, I was like, are you, I just to laugh. It's a different world. Is it?

Could you be high and do it? No, I tried a couple times. I almost had heart attacks. Oh, damn. Because when you start breathing heavy, your mind takes you away. Yeah. So, you know, like when you're on an edible, then you breathe heavy. Like when you're, like when I go to J-Jit-Tish morning, I was breathing heavy.

Yeah, yeah. A hard time. Yeah. I used to, yeah. So if I would have done an edible, the edible takes your mind away. And all of a sudden, the edible tells your mind you're about to have a heart attack. And your fucking heart starts pounding just from listening to your mind. Oh, that's not even true.

Sometimes just here, I'll start having a little bit of a panic attack. A little palpitation. Really? Yeah, the edibles, let me tell you some, edibles don't aren't copacetic for everybody. They create a lot of anxiety. A lot of people say, you know, I like smoking pot, but for me it gives me anxiety. Yeah. That's not good for you.

It's not good for you at all. if you get that uncomfortable feeling. This time we eat fucking 8,000 milligrams of edible, and it's an uncomfortable feeling. You go through an hour of like, Jesus Christ, this is terrible. I feel I'm pretty uncomfortable right now. I feel pretty high.

Do you really? Yeah. Because I don't ever smoke, so I feel fucking... When did you start comedy? Pretty high, man. You've been around in L.A. for like 10 years, right? Yeah. I started like 12, 13 years ago.

Okay, because I know you weren't in L.A. You were really young, like 2005. You were doing something. I was young, man. Do you ever miss the weight? Do you ever miss the weight, bro? I miss eating what I want to eat. Yeah.

I miss, like, I didn't care at all. Like, how much would you eat when you just eat the fuck out of something? Oh, yeah. Oh, I worked. Nice, man. I worked. Really? Yeah, just fucking get whatever you want.

Oh, it's great. It's great. It's like, even football. Like, it's depressing for me. I don't watch football. Like, I used to watch football all day and I would get a large pizza and 12 wings. Fucking six Diet Coke's. Oh, wow.

Just great. And not even worrying about it. Just not even worrying about it at all. Do you ever sleep on a fucking, like, piece of cross or something? Like, you were just eating like a fucking monster. Not normally. Like, we used to do this podcast at 6 a.m. And I would work nights.

Yeah, we did it for, like, a year for, like, at 6 a.m. 6 a.m. And I was working nights on a TV show. So I'd go from there to here. And then I would, like, it would be like 8 in the morning. And I'd be getting jack in the box. Damn. And, like, sometimes I'd just pass out.

From eating it? Well, no, just from all these things. But then I would pass up with, like, the rappers would still be on my couch. something, it's terrible. Oh, okay. Because you never hear like people's like fucking eating stories. Everybody tells their weight loss story. Like, I want to hear when he was just fucking hiding chocolate in your fucking cheeks, man,

when you're just filling your gills up. I used to go. I got up to 315. That was the highest I ever got. Yeah. At a certain point, I was every, every night getting two packages of Reese sticks and two either Swedish fish or gummy beers. Reese sticks?

Yeah, oh, those are the best. Are they good? Those are still the best. I can't have them. I can't have it, but those are the best. And then either Swedish fresh or gummy beers. Yeah. And just having them.

And I would tell myself, I would have the other, I would have two of each the next day, but it would never happen. Wow. So I miss. I miss that. Now I have a fudgical. And it's depressing, but it still tastes. It still tastes good, but it's not. It covers the spread.

Yeah. What you really fucking wants. That's the worst. Now you grew up where? Louisiana. How far from New Orleans? A suburb. 40 miles, yeah, 45 miles.

So your family's eaters. Yeah, my family's like, we didn't eat a bunch of food, but we ate as much as we had pretty much. I mean, I've had three experiences in New Orleans. Yeah. And one outside of New Orleans. And all my experiences of what we've been around food. It's a very food culture. People love to eat.

And depending where the fuck you go, you know, don't hit you with some alligator. Shrimp poboys. Shrimp poboys like a motherfucker, you know. Oh, they'll fucking. When I went to shoot. Grudge match. We shot that in New Orleans. But, you know, I was low-man

in the totem pole. They put me in a hotel where they give you all the meals are inclusive. Yeah. And at first I was like, I'm not going to fucking eat no fucking hotel.

Oh, my God. The hotel food was good. Every fucking meal was world-class. It was all like a seven-course. Yeah. Start the finish. Salad, dessert, appetizer, you know,

everything was fucking delicious. So it's a food culture. So, I mean, you're in great shape. You take care of yourself. Yeah, kind of. I mean, I like to eat what you want. I mean, you have a great metabolism.

Not as much. I wish, yeah, I work out a pretty decent amount. I wish that I'd actually ate more. And like, just like you would do like you to just let, like, sometimes that I just want to honestly just fucking. It's fun. Myself with fucking food and salt and fucking sugar. It's fun for a little bit, but it's, I would give anything to be as skinny as you are. Really?

Yeah, man, I've never been skinny. So this is like a new, a new thing for me. Oh, well, so your whole life's fucking feeling a little bit different on you. Yeah. I mean, I'm still, I'm still, I'm 228 today, so it's not, it's not great, but it's better than 315. You didn't look fat to me then? I was just thought, like, man, this guy, like, he's got kind of a unique shape, but he's chill. But then I was like, oh, and then if you feel fat, that's a bum.

I have, well, I don't, I don't feel any different at all, but it's, like, I would imagine, I'm surprised you're not, like, Ben Yays. Are you serious? If I lived in New Orleans and had Ben Yays and tripped over about fucking Ben Y's, I've never even had one, but I just see it, and it just looks. used to be a place in Boulder. Baby formula too, actually, on there. Baby formula. You see a lot of the sisters drinking baby formula outside of the French quarter. I don't know if you ever noticed that.

In a bottle? What do they do? In a bottle? No, no, no. Just a can, buddy. It's just canning up. It's true, man. A couple of sisters out there canning up. It's, you know, it's weird you're talking about this.

because I think that like my best eating period you know you start off skinny you work out in high school you play football you know I had a friend that used to eat a box of fucking cereal for breakfast and then then it's cake how to fuck the gallon of milk

whatever the fuck the milk is with the cereal was he driving truck that's insane he was in high school and lift weights and then you know I was eating too I had a great appetite and then I moved to Colorado and they were they took away the night eating there's no more drinking and going to eat what I was used to eating

which was an open steak sandwich or two in the morning with a filling cream of turkey soup and not even brushing your teeth. Shit. Just going to bed with dirty teeth. That's how I do it. Fuck yeah. Fucked up. So that's where I'm from at a place you get to bed with dirty teeth.

You get dirty teeth and you know you don't I don't eat here at night I go home if I'm really high I'll eat whatever my wife cooked which is controlled. It's like a chicken color. You know what I'm saying? It's not like 20 chicken collards. Well, there's 20 chicken collars.

She could fuck shit up. They'll be like one leftover chicken till they. I eat a chicken collier, you're an apple. You know what I'm saying? Just to. It's amazing. I've been lucky all week. My mom's been here for almost a week.

No way. And I haven't eaten this good in four years. She's cooking breakfast? She hasn't met. We've been sleeping a little late. A couple days she made breakfast, but it's been like, she made brisket. She made a couple kinds of different kinds of chicken. And it just.

Ooh, I like all of that. Stacked all my, like my entire fridge is full now. I like Peach Cobbler. Oh, she made icebox cake. Have you ever had that? All you do is you take a layer of graham crackers and you have to get the cook and serve pudding, not like pudding cups, but you have to cook pudding.

And you just do layers of pudding and graham cracker. You put in the fridge and let it freeze up and then put some whipped cream on it. Paula's been talking about it for three days. She loves it. It's so good. We, sorry. Okay.

What we used to? We used to feel, fucking, we used to have this game where you would feel like people's, two dudes would fill their mouth with sugar, you know? And then you would

slap each other in the fucking cheeks. But here's the thing, bro. It's hard to hold a whole bunch of sugar in your mouth. And keep it all. And keep it all. Well, here's the thing.

It starts dissolves, but you get parts because all your moisture is going to this thing. So your body starts to dry out. So then you start, you're basically holding the sugar in your dry mouth at a certain point man, you feel like the desert. How old were you?

I don't know. Like he was a child. Okay, like when I was like eight. Like eight, yeah, like yeah. Seven, eight, eleven, eleven. And then, fourteen even. Fourteen even. And this one, 18 year old shit. Seven eight, eleven, fourteen. We used to have this fucking girl who's probably 14 that went shirtless, brus. And she was like, fucking four, four to fourteen shirtless, bro.

Shirtless. Why was that, dude? I don't know. just so their whole family was pretty much shirtless and they didn't do any different by the girls, man. This girl was shirtless as fuck. And we all thought like, damn, she's like a long here. She's like the most best-looking dude you ever seen, right?

We thought that till about 11. And then somebody's like, that's a girl, man. She just goes shirtless. And we're like, and nobody told her put a shirt out in school? Oh, I don't know about school. But I never, I mean, she was in a children's school. I was a little bit older than her, but I never saw anybody just be completely shirtless like that.

Who puts your fucking sugar in that mouth? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, it was a cheap game, bro. It's like if you don't have a bunch of money to go do something, you fill each other up with sugar. And then y'all just got to slap each other in the cheek. There was a kid my neighbor, John Carney, not a bad kid. Always great sense of you.

But he had a brother Brian Carney. In those days, kids didn't have ADD and they didn't have autism. You were just retarded. Yeah. Whether you had the cheeky eyes. Yeah, he just wasn't cutting it. You just wasn't cutting it, man. And they used to torture them.

Yeah, we called him God's favorite. Yeah, they used to make him drink piss. They pissed in a beer bottle and close it and then put it at the last bottle. He would take it. Clap of beer and he fucking drink it. I was never involved in this shit with Brian Carney. Was he handicapped? No, he just wasn't sharp, you know?

He just wasn't a sharp kid. Nice kid always said hello, Brian Carney. But they did weird things to him. Like, they used to make him eat shit. Like, they pay him like 15 bucks. to make a meet a lot of, like, weird stuff. How much shit? Oh, I'm the actual shit.

No, no, no, no, no. Like, fill his mouth with pepper and shit like that. Then they had this other kid. The guy who they just fired from the Miami Hurricanes, defensive coordinator, when he was a kid, his brothers and all those guys' neighbor, used to tie him up on a bicycle, make him eat raw eggs and blow him up in his mouth

and all that shit. Like, put the eggs in the shell and smack him and blow the egg in his mouth. No wonder that one guy went to Penn State was an All-American tackle. I would have died in your town. There was certain people who just got... I was too nerdy for that. I would be one of those kids. The guy I got into it with when I did that club,

before I met Lee, I did a club in New York City. One of the first times I went to New York to do comedy on my own, I booked a music club in the village. Right. And I went there. The guy that started a fight with me, his name was Brian Burns. And when we were kids,

when you were in grammar school, he already had a legend. What he would do is he had a gang of guys that would take you, tie you down, and they would put duct tape on your balls and fucking that glue shit from taping, and they would call it a table. Oh, yeah.

They would give you a table where they lay you down and wrap you up with tape, and pull the tape off you and shit like that. He was known for all that stuff, for spraying stuff on your balls. He was a big-time bully. And you know what happens to bullies, bro? They get beat up later on in life, people.

And I remember that night, like I was like, I could take this fucking down. And I had already a plan. He kept coming in to try to apologize, and I kept going, you know what, I could take this guy. I could kick him in the fucking knee. You could see he got for like 300 and something pounds.

Right. Stopped eating. So, but you felt like, so it was crazy because the tide it switched with that dude. Like, and back in the day. He was a bully. Yeah, he was a bully. Yeah, he was a man, you know, he was, bro. When I was in eighth grade or seventh grade, he was already in high school torturizing people.

They said if you play football, be careful. Because if something happened during football practice that you hit him hard or something, he'd get his friends to give you the table. Oh, especially if you were Spanish or something like that. Oh, that shit got racist. Shal, huh? It was what it was. Yeah. I mean, it was what it fucking was. I mean, we had one Mexican kid that shut up in our time. We didn't have any Spanish people.

We had one Mexican kid. Let me think about what this kid's name was. I think it was Nick, right? And I remember we all had science class. And, oh, actually, in science class, they had these hamsters you could play with until the second bell rang or whatever. Then you had to put them in a cage and everybody could,

then we would do learning, you know? And at this fucking one time, they had this hamster, right? man, we named him. And I was holding him in this fucking big sweatshirt I had, right? And after class, I forgot he was in there. He fell asleep in the little pocket, right? You put your hands, right?

So after class, I just throw him a book bag. I'm running. Next, you know, I get in a fight with two brothers, right? Get beat up pretty good. And one of them had fucking killed this hamster that was still in this pouch. He'd fucking punched it. So I never had it, like, sometimes I'll be caught fucking, I'm not even joking, but I'll have dreams where I feel like I had an abortion.

Poor Superman. I knew something wasn't going to be good. I think his name was Superman. Let me think for a second. It might not have been Superman. Why would you take the fucking hamster out of class and put it in your fucking pocket for anyway? No, because you was sitting at class.

You just nothing to do. And it was nice to kind of have something more. Where did you go to high school? Marry? Next to that town a couple of way from there called Covington, Mandeville. And where'd you go to college? I went to LSU and University of New Orleans. Really?

Mm-hmm. Did you graduate from now? LSU? I graduated from University in New Orleans eventually. Look at you, you bad motherfucker. So, I made it through. When you went to LSU, they still talk about Pistol Pete Bermanvitz. Oh, dude, the town I grew up. Get the fuck out of here. He lived and died

in our town, dude. Get the fuck out of here. Yep, and Lee Harvey Oswald went to middle school in our town. Get the fuck out of here. Swear to God, dude. And, I mean, I say that's a lot, but in 19, once in the 80s, and in 1994, a bunch of infected monkeys got out, because Tulane University had their primate testing for

facility center in our town. And a bunch of infected monkeys got out and they let us out of YMCA summer camp to help the police look for him, bro. I remember they came to summer camp and they basically took the kids to look for them. Let me get that pen real quick. Not kids, do, the tallest boys. They took the tallest boys right out and we helped them look for them.

I remember surrounding a couple of chimps outside of a Kenny Rogers Roasters, dude, off a highway 190. That's a true story, dude. That's the name of your book. Huh? I surrounded some chimps next to a Kenny Rogers Roasters. And dude, the shit got racial. Like, people go around town, they're really yelling.

I mean, this is fucked up. I mean, this just shows you how far in the south you are. People would be like 90 monkeys just escaped from this place, whatever. And you literally have, like, you know, people riding around guns, fucking Confederate flags. It's like, dude, these are animals, man, like, relax. Like, the shit almost got, it was weird. Like, people were like, these fucking monkeys. Like, they planned it.

Like, it was great. Like, it was weird. I just threw that name out because today, in today's paper on Twitter, it said that the best player from the Lakers is producing a Pistol Pete Maravich. Oh, that's awesome. Biopic. And I'm sitting there going, you know, what kills me about today is they're doing biopics about people that these motherfuckers don't even know.

That movie should have been done two weeks after he fucking died. Yeah. But nobody thought about doing it, you know? Do you know much about Pistol Pee? I mean, I think I know a pretty good man about him. I mean, I know he played, you know, I know he played at LSU. I know he played for the, you know, jazz.

I know his two sons. Really? Yeah. They play ball like whenever I was growing up. So one of them like a little younger, one of them a little bit older. So I mean, they were legends.

It was kind of, you know, it was a small town. Like it was like it. Legends. Legends. Yeah. The biggest name in. His fucking, if he lost, his father wouldn't let him sleep in the house and shit. We'll make him sleep in the fucking yard. This is Southern basketball jack.

Dude, they had a half quarter or a quarter court in their upstairs of their house above the, look, look. In the attic. They had a basketball court. They didn't fuck the, around. The marriages didn't fuck around. That old man didn't fuck around. That dude. He had like, that's why he drank himself to death, Pistol Pee, because

there was no childhood. His father made him go out there and do wind sprints and shit. Yeah. And that guy wasn't fast, but his fucking handling skills were just phenomenal. He made up for it. In my life, I've seen two people handle a ball. Fucking phenomenally. One was a guy named Pistol Pete Marevich, who was an NBA player. And another guy was a kid from... South Carolina, his name was Jackie Galoon.

White kid or black kid? White kid. And he played basketball on acid. That's why he didn't get drafted because he was such a freak. But his handling skills, I saw him playing. I played against him when I got older. His handling skills was so fucking unbelievable what he could do with a ball. And unless you see that, it's really hard to explain.

Right. Even if you see Kobe Bryant pass or whatever, you know, Stefan Marbury passed, it was nothing or dribble or the control that pistol Pete had for a white guy. And he had a tragic life. I don't think he ever won a championship. I don't think he ever won a championship. I know, I think he still has like the highest average per game for college.

Yeah, yeah, because he shot 90 times a fucking game. His father would, there's a coach or something. His father would say fuck those four guys. Yep, literally. Shoot the fucking ball. Shoot the fuck those four motherfuckers. I heard he even tried that sometimes he would wear a completely different jersey. Like he would be on a team and they'd have playing a team.

And then he'd show up in a total different jersey and be like, I'm going to play both you guys. And they'd be like, you're out of your fucking mind. It was nuts, bro. But yeah, man, we got out to look for all types of chips that had gotten out of that joint, you know. You can still look for it online. They've got some old stories about it. You know, it's crazy because they had a lot of, I was going. No, no, I grew up in New York City.

But in my heart, after I saw different places, there was a couple places I wish I would have grown up. one would have been New Orleans and the other would have been Houston and there was one of the place I wanted to grow up when I was a kid I don't know why New Orleans but I don't know why I always thought New York would be really cool

you follow me like there's always places like I'm very proud to be from Jersey I love being from where I'm from but it would be interesting like when I go to New Orleans and I'm driving around I always go hmm how would I turn down if I would have grown up on this fucking street

well I don't know about you but I feel like the self gets a bad rap up north but when I was driving I drove across the country three times. I love the South. Everyone's nice. It has nice weather. Like, I probably had got a bad rap where I was in mass.

People are fucking, I don't know, people are chill down there, man. But it's a lot of the same, like you hear that you definitely notice it's a lot of old-fashioned ideas down there. Like people, you know, the concepts are slow, you know. But that's what makes the South to South. Right. Listen, that's what makes the South to South. I read somewhere that last week when those guys, the Terrorists. shot those people

that the neighbor said he suspected something, but he didn't want to call the police because he didn't want to seem racist. Yeah. Jesus crazy. Because he was too politically correct. You understand? We had a point in our lives who were too politically correct. Look what happened yesterday.

Fucking Trump makes that announcement against Muslims. His fucking rating is the highest it's ever been. It's like 35%. He's 20 points ahead of the fucking competition. 19 points out of the competition. I like, you like Sleepy Blatt? What's that? I don't know what that is.

Oh, Jesus. I can't vote, so I don't really know what you're going. No, I got felonies, and I don't want to fucking vote. It's too much pressure. Then you've got to be responsible for your fucking vote. I don't have that type of fucking conscience. So if you get a felony, you don't have to vote? Oh, that's awesome.

You can't vote and you can't have a fucking gun. That's what they, you know, that's the punishment they give you. Like, really? So I can't vote and I can't have a fucking gun. I can see not having a gun, but what voting got to do it? I was disappointed, but after I thought about voting, I go, you know what, it's too much pressure. It's too much pressure.

I don't know how people just vote and move on with their fucking lives. Voting for me is like gambling. If I would have voted on fucking Obama, I would have been pissed off right now. You follow me? You're in a corner at the fucking movie theater because you voted for fucking Obama. That's what they should do to people. Like, if you make a bad vote, you know you voted for them, take 50 people out of each neighbor and throw stones at them, you dumb fuck. They're all liars.

Drain people. Drain them. I don't vote. I got in a big fight with my mom and Paul when they were here. When there's no popular vote, I think it doesn't matter at all. Especially, like, when I grew up in masks, there's no, if you vote for a Republican, you're strong and what your vote. Yeah. And then it just, it doesn't make sense that the popular vote isn't the way it elects people.

And then even if it did, they all lie anyways. So I don't, I don't get the point. What would you think you would dress, like, if you were a politician, you think, if you, sometimes I think about that, like, when I fucking totally change the game and where, like, you know, like a wife beat or some crazy boots or something, you know? Like if you were like someone that think like You know say if you was a governor or something Be like I'm gonna wear these crazy boots you know Or I'm gonna wear like a you know a fucking dope jacket If I was a voting American

If I was a voting American If I really was a voting American You know I wouldn't give a fuck about abortion That's had nothing to do with the price eggs I wonder what you're gonna do The country's in this state of the country right now What are gonna do to get us out of this state? Let's go something to do

step by step for your two terms. Let's go for the eight years. Give me the eight years. How it's going to pan out? What are you going to do the first year? What are you going to take care of? What's second on the agenda? What's third?

Yeah. Do I think about the homeless prom? Not fucking really. There's a ton of fucking problems you got to take in before we worry about the minute little things. Homeless people want to be fucking homeless people. What do you want me to do? A lot of them are doing fine.

A lot of them are doing fine. You see him over here at the end of 134 getting changed. Then they walk over to their fucking Corvette. I'm driving a fucking Subaru. hustling like a fucking savage, taking two planes a fucking weak. And these cocksuckers are getting changed, making 40 grand a year at the end of the 134. You know, listen, man, it's not the, it's not the point I'm talking about. But that's what I want to know your plan.

I want to know your plan step by step by step by step. How it applies to me as an American. I want you to plan it out for fucking people who make $50,000 or less. I want you to tell them. Yeah, real people. Real people. Yeah. You know, and now you were talking about the South and that they're slower.

and that all that shit. You know what? I like that. Yeah. I like that. That's there and the reason why it's there. There's a reason why a white guy would say that he's going to stop Muslims from coming in right now. And people raise their hands and say, oh, it's cruel or whatever.

But the other half are Americans that feel, you know, we got to stop this somewhere. Oh, yeah, man. You got to shut it down, bro. If they had walls and you can press the button right now, I'd put them up everywhere. But it's not just that. it's you know look at the fucking the the people the white dude you know it's people who shout out the movie theater let's not just blame one fucking sure we gotta find out who's in there i just want to know who our neighbors are we all gotta figure this shit out who's here listen man p you said it best yourself they're building buildings and people moving in and out they just said that these people have a fucking passport duplication you don't think they're here we don't think they're making billions on oil they have everything it's just and i don't know how what because what are they going to do

Are they going to go around now knocking on your neighbor's doors? Like, hey, we're going to check all the Muslims out. Not even Muslims, but even just regular people, you know? I don't really, I don't pay too much attention. If Trump hadn't said the things he said about Hispanics and this stuff about the Muslims, I think a lot more people would be on board. Yeah. And I actually wrote an article yesterday that they're predicting that Trump is going to bow out at the end,

just like he did the last time. So maybe he doesn't want too much support. I don't know. Right. But it's just, it's, it's crazy what people say. And then, and then, yeah, if you lay out a plan, right, what happens when they don't do any of what they said? Yeah. Like, I voted the first time for Obama, and he said, like, the whole thing, like, 100 days of close Guantanamo.

That was, like, the first thing he said, and it's coming up on the end, and that's nowhere near being closed. But maybe he didn't know that he couldn't close it. I don't know. But how do you keep, how do you hold them accountable? You can't. It's just like... No, let me answer something. Just for the same argument here.

Because I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm a little high there. You guys still? I'm very high. Okay. I'm just making sure everybody's hard. Why was it important to you that they would close one time? No, why is that such a...

I'm not arguing with you. I'm just going to know. Personally, I have no thoughts on that, but that was just the only thing I could think of right now. Right. Like that was... He said in the 100 days I'll close it. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm not...

Now that people want them to close Guantanamo? Yeah. Why? Because they're not giving them, like, they're not giving them, like, fair trials. They're just keeping them there. I did comedy there once. Did you for the troops there? You're not the prisoners, but it was pretty fun, I guess.

I mean, I don't know. Not for the, I mean, it's chilling there. The chicks only had, like, seven chicks, not even that hot, but some of the guys seemed friendly, and we went swimming and everything. We had a good time. We had a good time. Now, what made you want to go on stage? My dad was real old when I was born. That's all I was 70. My dad was 70.

Hold on. Hold on one second. I got to go get the tissue. You shit? Totally better. Oh, that's like shit a little. No, no, no, no. I got to just go blow my nose. But yeah, I wonder what kind of hats I would wear,

special pants I would wear if I was the president. You ever wonder that man? Like American flag pants? Yeah. To pick up the pieces. When somebody. It breaks. How's this,

how's the podcast going on? It's going on right now. Huh? I guess, no, we can, stream? Yeah,

we're streaming right now on YouTube. That's so, that was 70 years old. Yeah. That's, that's crazy. How was that?

How was it? It was pretty nuts, bro. So, wait, who's high? I'm very high. Okay.

Joey's high. Oh, yeah. I'm high. I think most of the people listen. Do I seem super high? you think? No. I thought it was funny when you said like going to do learning. Oh, yeah, man. I get

caught up with sounding like a fucking retard sometimes. I'm pretty high though. Like if I think, I'm trying to think, like, say somebody like, say if I wasn't myself and I came up to me. Okay. And I said, fuck, I didn't make any sense. And I said, hi.

Fuck, what were we talking about? What? I know what we're talking about? Yeah, no, it's, sometimes I wonder that, like, if I was sober watching a high person, what I'd be able to know they were high? Dude, I wonder if you came up to yourself, bro, would you even like who you are? Would you be like, look at this bitch right here? Oh, that's deeper than I was thinking. That's, sometimes, I think, I try to be.

No. Joe, what do you think? Me? Would you like yourself honestly if you met yourself, dude, being 100% honest? No, I don't even like, look at them. I hate when I do a movie and I have to go watch it or somebody makes me, I'm dreading watching this fucking special. You know, I'm dreading all that shit. I don't want to see me.

I don't want to fuck. fucking hear me. I don't want to see my body. I don't want to see my physical. When is it? When is it special? No, we just cut. We just shot something in Vegas. Oh, y'all did? How was it awesome? It was what it was. You know, I got to see it. You know, I just went through the motions. I don't

fucking know. It's good. I'm really out of high right now. That's good. Oh, is that? I hope not. No, I hope it is. So your dad had you were 70. Yeah, he was old. How old was your mom? 32 when she was young. Your dad was slinging some day. He was throwing it out there, man.

That was his first marriage? No. No, he'd been married a couple. He'd been married one time before. Maybe. You've got still alive before we talk about it? No, he'd be old. Sorry.

It's all right. Appreciate it, man. He'd, uh, he would be almost, he'd be 106. Hundred and six. I don't know. You're only going to get 22, so I'm more fucked up. I know you've been around here for 10 years, maybe. I'm 30.

I'm 30. Yeah. He got old, man. He just, uh, I don't know. And that's something on my mom. Like, when I think about my mom, like, who would bang, like, an old guy. That would be crazy, I feel like. Was he like an attractive man?

Was he like, yeah, definitely handsome, but he, I mean, he didn't have any money. You know what I'm saying? Like, who kind of thugs it out with an old dude that many times? Let me get back to the, you know. How old was your dad when he passed? 86. So he was around until you was 16. God bless you, bro.

Yeah. You got to have him until he was 16. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, man. So it was kind of wild having, like, an old day because all the time you spent, I was just like a little bunch of, like, kind of vignettes of like, like he would take me to this bar, times with him, bro. And, you know, the lady would give me

fucking chocolates, right? And then I mean, one night, the lady, I'm not even joking, kept giving me chocolates. And my dad's like, no, no more chocolates for him. You know, he, and I'd had probably 30, bro. Like, nothing could stop me from eating chocolates, bro. I'd just continue to put chocolates. If they had chocolates around me, I would just continue to put them into me. And this lady, my dad said, no, no, no. And then the lady took me to the side of the bar a little while

later and just gave me fucking time. Like, almost like this lady wanted to, like, poison me or something, you know? So he's to take me to do like weird shit like that. I don't know. God bless you, bro. No, no, no, no. You fucking know. I lost my father when I was three.

I lost my mother when I was 16. That's crazy. Yeah, so you know some of the... But right now I had my daughter when I'm 49. Every morning I wake up, I can't lie to none of you guys. I wake up. I put my feet down. I go, God, thank you for me another day to see his little fucking girl.

All I want is enough time just so I can give her the fucking mentality. of the church. That's all I need. Let her work it out like I worked it out without my mom. That's the best way to fucking do. Because I feel like I'm going to die. No. I did blow.

I'm going to die, man. You know, God fucking knows. You get shot by one of these fucking monkeys. Who knows? Yeah. But you always, you always, you know, I always, it's amazing that now, like, I would say, who the fuck would have a kid at 50? Yeah.

Don Johnson had a kid at 52, and I did a movie with him. I'm looking at him going, why would you have a fucking kid? Yeah. That's the most selfish fucking thing in the world. And also I knocked my wife up. So now you're looking to live. Like you're like, wait a second. You know, I want to live for this child.

Right. But fucking 70. You're dead and balls of steel. Brothers and sisters? Yeah, I got two younger sisters and an older brother. Same mom and dad. Same mom and dad. Yeah.

Oh, shit. So you got two younger sisters. Yeah, man. We had a while. It was, yeah, man. It was pretty wild. I mean, I guess I'm trying to think like more about what it was like.

Like, I remember like weird shit, I guess. I mean, I don't know. I'm fucking high, man. Um, so I remember like my dad went fucking, he let me drop, like, say, as soon as I was tall enough, like 11 years. I remember being 11 years old and my dad being like, uh, hey, will you drive me? You know, because he couldn't turn his neck, you know? So like, he's like, hey, will you drive me? And I'm like, yeah, I'll fucking drive you.

I'll hit like 5, 10. A little gross spur when I was 11. So next you know, I was driving my dad places, dude. Like, I remember we dropped him at the post office and he said, go around the block. And, uh, I went around the block. and fucking hit like seven cars bro, this fucking sider. My dad had a cutlass

like a Delta 88, you know? Like a just straight out fucking rig rider, bro. And it was a piece of shit. It was all banged up. And I would just go around the block. And then one time you let me drive him on the interstate. I was doing like 70, 80 miles an hour. We're driving to Hammond.

And it's probably about like 30 miles. And my dad was just fast asleep in the fucking passenger side, son. So those are the fucking good old days, man. What I feel from you a little bit Like when you tell me the stories You're happy, you miss them and all you think But are these stories weird to tell sometimes Like are they weird to tell?

Yeah, a little bit I mean it's not the normal American family like me Right Right So I could see that we both share that same little twitch Because as you get older You'll appreciate those stories more Because nobody fucking had a life like that

Right When you're 11 your dad's like Drive the fucking car Yeah You know that's cool We were all begging to drive their car You're begging to drive the fucking car at that age. That's a good point.

It's a small city. Right. You know, cops knew each other. You got pulled over. Oh, it's chill. 30 fucking years in those days. Yeah. But just the fact that sometimes when your parents give you a lot of trust, it does something to you.

It's good and it's bad. Right. You know, like you had an older dad that he saw life of what it was at 70. And I bet now when you tell those stories sometimes, you're like, ah, should I even say the story? Let me tell you something. Theo Vaughn. You have no idea how lucky you are. You have no idea that you had this life because most kids can't even imagine that shit.

Right. Most kids have to steal a car at 16. You know, at this, so many good points of growing up, no matter how you grow up, as long as your parents were around. Right. Just having a life is great. I know it's tough. People get adopted and they get stabbed and they get beat up and shit. You know, I'm very lucky when my parents and Muppets, man.

Yeah. When my mom died, I didn't have to. Going to the system, you know, I was old enough to make my own decision. It's so weird. Till today I realized I didn't do paperwork. My mom died by friends and said, you want to live with us? I'm like, yeah. That was it.

I kept going to high school. Like nothing. I just switched my address. And that was it. And nobody asked any question. Who's your legal guardian? Me. That was my legal fucking guardian.

Me. Those are the fucking days. Yeah, I feel like kids can't have anything like that anymore. Like all the, I don't know, it was just this ambiance. I think before some of the technical. All we have now that just made everything fucking dope. One of the reasons why I wanted to go home with my wife and the baby was because of my paranoia of dying, I wanted to walk my daughter up and down the same streets I walked.

Right. I parked the car. I walked up giving out terrace. I walked down a unit and turnpike. But the best walk we did was in the park where he used to play basketball. Yeah? It was open. I took her in the park.

And now they replaced the hut. There used to be a hut there. and one of the most racist things I ever heard come out of a person's mouth was in that fucking hut that me and everybody in the park looked at each other and just kept fucking shaking their heads. They used to be a hut there. The guy's name was Mr. Kennel. His two sons are still alive or the one son's still alive. Nice kid. I always like Jackie's, isn't it?

This has to be 1975. We're in this park and we're just playing tag with the fuck you. play when you're 11 or 12. There was a basketball court, but in those days we weren't allowed on the basketball court. The older kids were drunk. Unless they picked you, you couldn't fucking. So we just played whatever, and the monkey bars and shit.

Chill. And that hut was there. It was the summertime. And I'll never forget that Mr. Kennel was in that hut. And that was, you know. He was coming in there? No, he was sitting in there with a fan on him in this little hut, and the window is slight open. And he's sitting there, he's got his glasses on.

Mr. Kennel's got to be 40. Right. And there's eight Spanish kids, 20 Italian kids, six Irish kids, and one fat black girl. Blowing him? With a huge, no, no, with a huge Julius Irving Afro. She's the little kid. Right. She's got to be 10.

She's just, she's throwing rocks at the kids. They're all throwing rocks at each other. They're all having a good time. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, one of the white kids spits at Molo. and Marlow spits back at the white kid and Mr. Cannel sees this. Now, we're over here. I don't know what the fuck we're doing.

He sees this and he slides open the window and he pops his in the window and he goes, hey, don't let that nigger spit, get on you. Right? This is 1975. He goes, that shit will go right through you and he closed the window. And me and the other kid sat there and looked at each other,

like we had never heard. Like, I heard a nigger on a Richard Pryor album. Yeah. That was it. For him to yell it, that was the most Ra-N-Marle just kept spitting at the white kid. Like, nothing happened.

Morrow didn't give a fuck. Damn, man. That's fucked up. Well, that hut is gone. My point is, the hut and its racism is gone, right? They had this kid that looked down the street from us named Boogie,

and the dad was like a bus driver in our town, and he used to cut our hair, right? and he's a bus driver that cut hair yeah he was he was a bus driver and here the crazy part he didn't think about this the only hair cut he knew how to give

was his own cut right like the whole like the style he had right and it was it was a fucking it wasn't even a style it just looked like shit right so all the boys

and most of the girls had the same cut in our town man everybody looked jacked up but what were we talking about black people oh no no no the priest yelled

that shit, man. The first time I really wanted to go to New Orleans was when I read about fucking the mafia down there. And how that guy ran the mob and how everybody thought that whole Kennedy assassination came on in New Orleans. It was also very interesting to me. Then I saw a movie

called with Richard Gear and Kim Bassenger. Fatal Attraction? No. Fatal fucking attraction. That's a chick that shows a pussy. Oh, that's my... I knew it is Sharon Stone. Right. This is... What a Sigourney Weaver showed her Pussy. Would you look or not?

Fuck yeah. With that overall, actually, I love that sexy. No Mercy. No Mercy was a movie that came on 1987 about white. 86. About white motherfuckers killing each other in New Orleans. And the guy that was her boyfriend bought her. Bought her like that. Yeah. He bought her from her mama.

Right. He raised and they pulled a Willie Allen. Fucked this. She was beautiful. Kim Bassenger. You imagine buying Kim Bastian when she's like 13. Oh. Sheeper then.

And just feed us. That's a great surprise. her stakes and fucking fattening her up when she's 18, you give her a stabbing, you're married her, she don't know no different. You hide her from the world. What time is it? I have no fucking idea. It's been in 1982 for days.

You know what I'm saying? Don't ask. Do you think we all come from incest, really, when you really think about it? Like, well, I'm from a fucking island. Oh, then you have to have probably have. There's incest. I know for a fact that my grandmother and my grandfather, like, third cousins or something like that. So there's got to be,

I'm retarded from bloodstress. You know, I know something happened. My uncle told me for the first time. He said someone, right? No, he told me, because you know that your great-grandmother and your great-grandfather were like third fucking cousins or something. That's why the maiden name is kind of weird. It's Valdez Malbarez or some shit. They just dropped the Malbarez or some shit.

So it's an island. When you come from a fucking island, there's got to be incest somewhere along the line. I don't think I'd ever do incest, man. even if I think I had the hottest, hottest family member ever, bro, ever. Think about that, though, dude. Listen, I don't want to talk about incest under church, though. We got fucking boundaries here. We can't be talking about incest.

I have a cousin I wanted to fuck, too, as a kid. I'm saying? I ain't a lot of nobody. I'm going to bullshit nobody. I thought you just said we couldn't talk about it. When I was a kid, I had sex. Like Puerto Rican cousins. That means that's crazy.

Like your families grew up together, but you're not really blood. And they're like, you guys are cousins or some families and carry you. You guys should hook up. It would be a nice wedding. I had sex with a little girl. She wasn't a little girl. She had hair. I didn't.

Wow. Wow. Evie was her name. And she was older than me by a year. And I used to sleep. Oh, one day she goes, look at it. And I looked at the animal's fucking died. Really?

Hair on it. I sniffed it. Dang, you got down there, a young fellow. No, I didn't eat it. I just sniffed it, I think, and I fucking ran away. Yeah, that first smell is pretty strong. It's a real... I don't remember.

Why, you got to talk about smells for it's Monday night? I don't know. My bad is it Monday? It's fucking Thursday. It's fucking Thursday, dude. Lisa has got to go back to his house, stone to the gills. Hope to God, my mom is asleep. Why?

Because, look how high I am. Because you told them. You'll probably be fine, man. You should bring her half a jointly and just tell her how it's going to go down to it. Yeah, you won't you fucking do some crab my God. Get fucking wicked. Because if not, you're going to argue with her anyway. Yeah.

No, she knows. Bring home a half of bung like that savage right in the living room. No, as I was leaving, she was like, if you're going to freeze the food, because she made on me a whole bunch of food. Wow. And I was like, you know what? Everything we had tonight, just leave it out because I'm going to want to eat that when I get home. And she's like, the whole breast. I was like, yeah, the whole other breast.

Damn. So I, I'm trying to think of what I was going to say, man. What were we talking about? What made you jump on a fucking stage? What made you jump on the States the first time? Oh, yeah. I don't know, man. I just thought, I guess,

time making people laugh was just the funniest. That was the best thing. Like, if you weren't laughing, I was like, what the fuck are we doing? We're just doing all this other shit. And then we wait for, and it rarely somebody says something funny and we laugh. Like, why don't we do a little bit of the inverse, you know?

Like, we do all this other shit. The best part is when somebody's laughing. Was it that fine? He was pretty funny, man. Where was he from? He was from Nicaragua. Nicaragua. No wonder.

He was back. Oh, Jesus Christ. No wonder he was slinging dick at 70. You should have made. When I thought he was a white dude, I was like, okay, he's a crazy. I thought he was like somebody from, you know, like one of those guys in the south. Oh, no, man, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to fuck you right now. I don't give him a fuck to get there, too. A lot of reptile. A little reptile. Now you, now are you, listen, Filipinos and no Spanish dudes. They got sperm eggs and that nuts out for their fucking 90. I swear to God. They'll start a kid like a magician.

Yeah, like those fucking old spig. Those fucking Filipinos. Janice, my daughter's godmother. Yeah. Her father had a kid at 74. Yeah. Why do you just pull out? Bro.

40-year-old woman. 70 fucking. Dude, they could do semen into a pond and it would start up at some point, man. They are so. But then I watched that movie with Alec Ball 1 and the young chick. Yeah. And he was at a fat. Cellity Clinic with a bunch of other fucking dudes

that's like 50 or dating 20 year old. What is that? It's complicated. Yeah. Yeah, man. I remember Oh, Puerto Ricans you were talking. They used to say that's when did you guys, oh, I was talking about the first Mexican kid we had in our town, right?

So we had class with the hamsters, right? Yeah. Going back to that, right? That man, Mr. Blackwell's class. We had the hamsters. They laid you the hamptures after Superman got killed? No, no, that was. Yeah, I'm just me and it was that same time, right. Everybody would get a different pet. We used to play this game where you would like somebody would lay down and you would put a snake on their back or a fake snake on their back, right?

And you would play guess if I have a snake on my back or not, right? And people would literally bet if they did or what they were going to guess. And then sometimes we put this game where you, because they had this one rabbit in there that was always falling asleep. It was like almost, hey, you know, like a whatever rabbit narcolepsy kind of is, you know, where he just drifts off. Because it's a rabbit. They're not doing much, you know? and you would set a rabbit on a pile of money and you try to pull the dollars out from under him

and without waking him up. That was like the biggest thing we used to do in class before class. But the problem, but the thing that happened was this Mexican kid moved in named Nick, right? And the first thing you ever said in class, the main was in science. They also taught you sex ed, right?

So like the first day this kid Nick was in there was during the sex ed part and he stands up and he goes, he goes What does pop that cherry mean? That's what he said. He asked a bunch of teacher like his serious. He's going to be like,

what does pop that cherry mean? And then he ended up banging some girl like in sixth grade, right? And she broke up with him, broke his heart. And he started like rap music and he wore this t-shirt that said Nick the rapper that he wrote on it with a marker, right? But he only put

one P in it and it said Nick the raper on it, the fucking shirt. anymore and they fucking expelled him. They expelled him. That's racism. I guess he was Mexican. But see, Mexican didn't play a part and he was a bad speller and he fucking

was asking stupid questions. What does pop that cherry mean? Pop that cherry. Remember that saying you don't hear that anymore, dude? Never hear that. Never hear that shit. I bet her cherry's been popped. You could tell if you look at it. Watch how she walks. I never popped anyone's cherry.

You didn't? No. You still out there. there though. Are you married? No, I almost. No, you're not, right? You'll get a little bit of fucking trim that's fucking never been anywhere. I don't know. That's a little pressure. Dude, I'll tell you this.

Dude, I'll tell you this. Buddy of mine, okay, first time my buddy got some trim, right? We were at this dance and my buddy ended up, you know, touching this gal's vagina after the deal, after the dance. And we all were sitting around this fire at his

house later, and so he's like, you know, telling everybody what happened. And my buddy's dad came out, right? and heard it and kept smelling my buddy's fingers then while we're standing up by the fire, dude, for probably like 40 minutes. Is that fucking nuts? I'm terrible with that being.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you be rubbing your pants? What do you do? Gnarly, right? And then the same night, bro, I was sleep in this guy's room and he had a bunch of pets stacked up along the walls because he loved all kinds of pets.

And where's five of us sharing a bed, right? And all night, bro, I can't sleep. Right? Because I'm scared of all these animals, bro. I'm scared of all these animals, bro. And I can't sleep, right? And so I'm just thankful of this one, this dog keeps barking, man. I'm so high that this dog, I'm just thankful that this dog outside the window keeps barking. I'm like, because I'm awake, I can't sleep, right? All the other four kids and it's better asleep.

And you can just hear these pets moving in her cages. And he had a big ceiling fan in the middle of the room that was spinning, right? So it's like whirling up all these pets, right? And even though we can sleep is keeping them awake. Because you've got to think a ceiling fan for a pet, that's got to be like, you know, a fucking tornado going off constantly. We don't think about that, you know. So I'm fucking laying in the bed. Thankfully, this dog barks every now and then it keeps me company, right, even though it's outside.

And then you hear, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. My buddy's dad walked out there killed the dog, right? Outside the fucking window, boom. Went back to sleep, dude. Same dude that hours earlier have been smelling a young man's hand. man, same man. And that's what blew my mind about the world. Like, how could at one moment a guy be so gentle?

That's just a monster. Yeah. And then seven hours later, be blowing up freaking animals head open because it was barking. You know, you have an animal in the woods, bro. It's going to bark. You know, he probably hears everything. They said they can hear everything. Imagine hearing six times something.

You'd fucking be angry. You know, your neighbor, you know, four houses over. I don't know, man. I'm high, bro. If you talk about incest and he got to talk about killing. dog, so you gotta bring me down. I'm bringing you down. I haven't been that down.

Fucking. Oh, dog. I'm sorry. Since Lee told me his girlfriend, don't do laundry. Oh, damn. I haven't been left. Fucking depressed.

How are you gonna get the laundry, don't do? She doesn't live with me. Why would you do my laundry? I'd do my laundry. I didn't bring it to the thing. Bro, if you're really in love with it, you should fucking leave a load over there.

When you go back two days later, see if it's clean or not. Her mom would do it's love. No, but the thing is she still loves with her mom. Her mom would do it. Oh, wow. Her mom has offered. Fuck you.

Bring it over. Fold your knees, put starch on him. Is her mom married to a brother or not? Have you ever had funny? She's magic. Have you ever had?

Who's archer? Who's arched in the underwear? No, that's not terrible. Why are you on starch? Fucking tremendous. Make you feel like an adult. It's soft.

Shit. Makes you feel like you have a checkbook, you know? It makes you fucking feel good. That's what I miss, bro. Look at fucking Lee. You got to go into the house. Now, how are you going to act?

Nick the raper. Make the rapper. So what was the first place you got on stage? This place called Brown, this place called Brown in, down in Louisiana. I was a bar down there. And then I went on this thing called Semester at Sea, which was like a university, like a floating school that goes like, you literally circumnavigate the globe and I was in college. And they had an open mic on there.

And they had a senior passenger on our cruise ship that had died, right? So they was keeping him in the freezer, right? So I just made some jokes about, you know, like different, like, you know, know, cold cuts and shit. You know, like this sandwich tastes like berry, you know, and just vague shit like that. And kids, you know, kids were kind of laughing. And so then I got up, uh, and they had like an open mic thing on there. And I got up on there.

And it was pretty, it was fun, you know, joking about that. For a nice looking kid, you're a dark dude. And I like that about you. I'm staged. You take people in a weird direction. And I look at you and I go, this fucking kid, you know, I trust them with my fucking animals. Thanks, man. Well, not that one, though.

You're fucking dogs and you're fucking incestful. Well, a couple of brothers beat that animal up. I never did that. Super, uh, Superman. I never did that. That was as, you know, to be honest, a couple of brothers. I killed a fucking rat a couple times. I actually backed over a deer once with a fucking lawnmower.

We're really going to share stories. I swear to got, man. It was a big bush hog. And I used to work on this farm in the summertime, right? And this man, let me cut the grass with a huge bushhog. So one day I'm just cutting and I backed around and turned it around. And I fucking deer, man, ran over a deer. with it.

Actually, ended up killing a deer. Damn, it's just dark. Jesus Christ. A deer jumped at my car once. There you go. You killed it?

No, it went away. You probably killed it, though. No. Did you hit it? Yeah, but I was only 20 miles an hour.

I was going to 20 miles an hour. You hit it and that's true. I had a dog in Wilshire. Oh, 10 years ago. Coming home, not stoned, minding my own business.

Wow. Doing the speed limit. You know, you're on fucking Woolshire Boulevard. Yeah. You know, no, I wasn't even on Moose. I was on that block that you cut from Olympic all the way up to sunset. But, uh, Vermont, one of those.

That are a deep one. And all sudden, fucking a dog, I didn't hit him straight up. He ran into my car. And he bounced off my car and got more shock. And he was limping and cars were going around him. And I pulled up and I tried to get him. But he, he ran that motherfucker. Once you hit him, they fucking run.

Yeah. They run forever. You feel terrible. I mean, you feel fucking hard. horrible, whether it's a squirrel or whatever, you feel fucking terrible. But on a happy note, accidents happen. I had a great time looking at your cats.

I had a great time watching your cats in the past week. Thank you very much. It was so much fun. My cats are good fucking animals, man. I never had a cat, man. Really? You had dogs? I'm ready.

Yeah, you're ready. No. We didn't have a dog. When I'm thinking about getting a dog, I'm still considering it. If I didn't have as many allergies than I do, I'll get cats. Because, like, it was funny. Like, they have, like, little setups. Like, Roy would sit right at the, edge of your kitchen and wait

for somebody and like attack him and like get by hilarious I laugh like I would pause the TV to start watching him and Demi runs into her castle so Demi'll go fuck with somebody else somebody else he'll give him a look and go fuck you and also he'll walk right into Gray and Gray

and Gray will hit him with three quick rights to the head and he'll go fuck you dirty bitch and then he'll go in the kitchen like nope shit this bitch is crazy it's a show to watch animals, whether they're dogs or cats, especially at night when you have one or two or three. And great went crazy for the ham, she wouldn't stop me. I told you.

They should have a cat, like, do they have, like, a streaming cat channel? We can just watch cats whenever you want. We should get you, oh, that's what we should do. We should get, like, an iPad and, like, put it up in, like, periscope the cats. Yeah. That's what I want to do. You should start a cat town dude and dress them up, like, different fucking ethnicities. So when they show up and interact, you could, like, it's almost like a game of

risk. I don't like when people dress up their fucking dogs and shit. Yeah. I don't know why they do that. There's a huge industry. There's no dog that wants to have a fucking tuxedo on. Oh, they had a kid in our town of this is no correlation, but that had really bad, like, kind of, I don't think it was down to their own, but something pretty close. And his mom would dress him up constantly, like,

dress him up like, oh, God. Like, almost like costumes all the time. Like, he's in a pirate costume, like, this week. Like, his mom, like, he was like, like, it was always how Halloween or something for him, you know? You're a crazy young man. That's why I love a bite. He's some shoutouts.

He's like, yeah, he's a Panther, you know. I want to give a shout out. Happy anniversary of Tina and Jimmy Joe, Aden Diaz, Jesse Bryant, Peter Mandi Barr, Jim Jorgensen, Paul Lynch, Jack Bratcher, what's happening, you bad MMA motherfucker.

And my man, Henry Salari, you better show up to class this week, cock sucker. and Dustin's a wacky Just had a baby Dustin's a wacky Have a baby Yeah yeah yeah

A lot of fucking things going on The church fucking world Good energy Oh And one quick things Steve Simone is doing A go-fund me Do you hear about that

I heard that Something like that He's doing He's doing great He's doing great things For a couple families And kids And he wants to do more

For people at children's hospital In LA So Bill Borg We tweeted it And I'll tweet it And he's giving some kids who have some pretty terrible diseases, like some happier times on during the holidays.

That's awesome. Steve Simone's a good fucking. Great heart, man. He's over there giving blood, bringing sandwiches. He plays with the kids. Listen, man, it means the world of people when you visit him. Yeah.

He's exceptional. Man, that guy's got a million hearts, bro. Good dude. You know what? It's really weird. We live in a place where people do weird things. You know, like people do weird things to get attention. Yeah.

And if you know anything about Steve Simone, he does everything from the heart. Yeah. With good intentions, you know. 100%. He's one of those dudes that's in LA that you're happy to be his friend. He keeps you grounded. Yeah. Yeah.

Especially if you come from a society that's not selling their fucking blood in this town to get ahead. You know what I'm saying? Like there's people in this town that you know where they are. They come up to you. They talk to you. They don't give a fuck about you, man. Yeah. When you start making money, all of a sudden you're the best thing in the world.

there with a hand out telling you how they helped you we always believed in you you know where were you when i was living in that one bedroom apartment and you wouldn't take my call yeah but you have to put it all into perspective but there's a there's a certain element in this town that you look at and when the coke finishes they're gonna be gone and then there's a certain element in this town that when the coke finishes that's when they become your friend right he's a mom is one of those dudes yeah it's really uh he brightens your day he does he loves me and my mom yesterday. Oh, he did?

We went to Domingos. Unbelievable. He has a lot of old school values that you look at. We went to eat last week. We got to, we got to New York Thursday night. We didn't do much. We got to New York about five.

Then Friday, we started a fucking jaunt. And Friday night, we went to Rudy's. Did you ever go to Rudy's with me? Yeah, yeah. The Lari place and stuff, it's been there since 19, fucking 70. And when I was in high school, they used to serve me, and they have squid.

Mm-hmm. And that's what they're known for statewide. Mm-hmm. People go in there. Rudy, Because of that Rudy squid, muscles with red sauce. You got mad at me because I was too nervous to buy so many expensive. So I got ravioli.

Oh, and it was still delicious. It was amazing. It was amazing. Everything there is amazing. But we were eating and I could see something. My wife and I asked what's going on and she goes, you know, I don't see this in L.A. Like people are having a conversation. Nobody's looking at their phone.

Yeah. Guess what happened last week, guys. You ready for this? A girl who I. fuck with on Facebook. Hi, how are you? She was sitting the table next to us. Me and my wife sat there and I go,

Terry, this girl on the table over here on this date, I fuck with her on Facebook. Watch this. When she went to the back, when she came back ago, and she was like, oh, my God, I saw a post that you were in a park with the baby. I didn't know you were in Cliffs. It was fucking amazing.

Dang. Like, what are the chances? Clifton? Cliffside. Cliffside Park is where this place is at. And then I saw somebody, you don't love this story. Then I saw this girl Joyce. And I saw her.

And I go, what's happening? And she goes, oh, my God, how are you? And the guy she was with. Like, I knew her 30 years ago when she was married. But they break up. And now she's dating a kid named Mikey Moore. That was one of those kids in the neighborhood that you always bumped into two in the morning. Right.

Like, if you bumped into Mikey Moore, you went out to something. Right. Mikey Moore had a few bumps. He knew it was a few bumps. He might have a valium. But he was always solid. Like, Mikey Moore is solid. But he had a lot of claim to fans.

Like, Mikey Moore was one of those guys that people underrated. Yeah. And he'd light some motherfuckers up at the time of the time. Like, one time we robbed the Chinese restaurant delivery guy. We just took his fucking card, dog. First of all, we called the delivery to the park. Okay? You show up at the park.

How do you say that? To deliver to the park? And you fucking believe that. That's great. They said deliver it to eight. They deliver it to next to the park. And when the guy came, we fucking bum rush them. We took the car.

But listen to this. Mikey Moore delivered the Chinese food. He kept the chain. And came back and gave me a little taste of the Vig. You understand me? After he dumped the fucking car, cleaned it off of Prince, the guy got hit in the head with like a bowling pin. Oh. You fuck rock somebody for the bulletin?

Can you fucking believe that? That's gags. It was next to this park. This place, this, this, North Bergen is known for all these little parks, like 51st Street Park. And each park had a different personality, a different person represented that park.

Like 64th Street's field, they were deep into fucking drugs and bulls and fucking ACDC and fucking music. And they fought. And, you know, They played football. They were heads, but they fucking fought. You know, 88th Street had more of a little, that park had a couple dabblings of heroin up there.

Some of artsy? No, no, there was no artsy there, dog. You know, I was telling somebody, my neighborhood stores were the Spick store and the Chink store. The Dragon Grocery was owned by Chinese Cuban guy. That was the Chink store. And the Cuban place was the Spick Store. And that was our artsy that was. There was no art district.

It was the Chink neighborhood. the black neighborhood, the fucking spick neighborhood. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's it, man. And the South is just like that. Black and white, though, that's the crazy thing. In our town, it's just black and white. That's what I would love about maybe like New York and New Jersey.

It's simply going to have so many types of people around there. That must have been awesome. So what made you wake up and say Los Angeles? Anybody call you? Yeah, I had a buddy, actually. I had a buddy who was like, come help me move, right? He lived out in San Francisco. So I was like, all right.

I know. He's like, come out and hang out with him. weekend. So I got a plane ticket, came out to meet him, right? When I get there, he's like, I'm moving. And I'm like, what the fuck? Do you know I was coming in this weekend? Right? He's like, now, man, I'm moving down to L.A. And so I just went with him. And then I just stayed for a while back and forth and stayed. It gets you, bro. It's kind of like this thing here. I don't think I'll stay forever. Oh, I miss it every day, man. Really? Still, 10 years here. How many times do you go back? Yeah, probably four times a year. Two plans to go back?

one one plane to go back you drive the 40 moms uh yeah then i drive just get a rental car um i got nieces and nephews now i actually had a niece that was just born uh you know like less than 24 hours ago a little girl so congratulations thanks man yeah i'm pretty excited uh stella blue that's her name so but yeah it's a chill place man good family good to go home you know i love going home uh i had you on the show for a reason theo i just don't put fucking anybody from the store and the show anybody like that. I like your work ethic. You know, I think you're a solid guy.

When I got to the store, I noticed something that the older guys were dicks. Yeah. They were real dicks. First week at the store, I got to a fist fight. You really? First week, talk. This last time back?

No, no, no, no, no, no. 19. Oh, okay. I get past February fucking 19th. Wow. I want to get this. February 24th, I'm already in a pushing match slash fistercups in front of the comedy store.

What saves me is Mitzie's getting out of her car. And she goes, what's going on, guys? And she sees me, she sees the other guy on the floor. And she looks at me and she smiles. So she knew what time it was. My first week as a regular year. I don't fuck around, all right? So I had, I thought about you today.

And I thought about why I was having you on. And I look at a lot of the guys at the comedy store. I give the utmost respect. because for me to be a better comic, I have to be a better gentleman to you young guys. What makes me, what's trying to make me a great fucking comic is the love I give to you young guys.

Not what I can pass on. I can't pass on none to you, but addiction and chlamydia and a bad fucking fungi toe. What you can learn for me is what I didn't do and what didn't do, but the love I give you guys is the better I get as a comedian.

And I know this because, those guys that used to fucking hate on me, they're gone. They're gone. I don't even think Facebook's LexaMont. Right. They're gone. You know, they're gone.

And they were miserable at the end. They sat there and they sneered instead of sitting there and being supportive and that young guy a hug. I don't go on state. I go on stage to do my motherfuck and act here over. Right. And when I see you back there,

you have my utmost respect because you could have canceled or faith an injury or done whatever. And you go back there and you fucking go up there and go give it for Joey and you fucking banging it. I've watched you. Don't think I don't watch it. So I want you to understand where I'm fucking coming from. Dog, I got into a beef.

I remember one time, what the fuck would you do if I said coming to the stage? There's nothing good to say about this guy. Theo Von. What would you do to me on stage? I didn't do anything.

I think I didn't want to go. At that realm, even at that youth in comedy even as crazy and coked up the fucking indian as i was something at that moment but till this day i hate that guy and i don't see him ever again i won't see it was another store comic another store comic yeah like those older guys i was there the night with this older comic went at jo rogan on the main room he brought joe up and he insulted joe and joe said something and they had to stop the show they were gonna duke it out in the fucking main room over what Over the intro the guy gave.

It was, listen, man, the guy moved to town a year later. He's making 30 grand, Lee. You're here 20 fucking years, still getting a 1240 spot in the main room once a month. Yeah. What are you going to fucking feel like? And all of a sudden this young kid comes that's dirty and he's on an NBC show. Meanwhile, they've been telling you to fucking work clean, get a trumpet. And, you know, and all of a sudden this young kid comes along.

And I learn from, instead of hate him, young guys, I learn from, you fucking guys. You guys keep me current. I sit there sometimes and fucking, and I'm talking about not Sebastian. Sebastian's established.

Oh, he's the best of course. I'm talking about you and Santini's and the fucking other guys. Yes, these are all young guys. Those people after midnight,

I've been there. Yeah. I've fucking been there where it's 12 fucking 45 and everybody went over. Now it's 110. Yeah. And you got a 1015 at ABC.

Yeah. You follow me? And there you are going, fuck. But you stay. So the only way to me to become better is to be, listen, if I want to be a mentor, I'll go back to prison and help Momo's get their GEDs. I can't mentor nobody. I'm not here to mentor nobody.

I'm not going to lie to you. Sit here and give you notes. Who the fucking mind that give you fucking notes? These comics, I don't fucking my. I'll give you notes. All I can do is hug you and go, you're a bad motherfucker. Keep fucking these motherfuckers up. Yeah.

That's all you could do. I think you become, I learned this the last two years at the store. Really? Because I've become a better comic because I'm sitting there. I went to the, you know,

I would go out and see these young comics and they would inspire me. Yeah. When you're getting older, you see these young guys and you're like, God damn, I got to pick my motherfucking game up.

That's a good attitude, you got to go back to training camp. These young motherfuckers ain't fucking around. And then I backtrack, I go home and smoke a joint. I remember when Joey Diaz used to dot his teas.

Whatever, dot his eyes and, you know what I'm saying? And top his teeth. Do you, that's, do you, that's fucking just, I mean, I don't even know, man, it's nuts. So always remember, like, I don't know what to say. I mean, that story is our fucking home. If you could go back in time, though, you always started interview. If you go back in time, do you think, were you the same way a long time ago or you say you just feel like you learned this really now? Like, do you feel like you were always like that?

Because sometimes I feel like I, it's hard to get the negative shit out of your head. head in this town, you know? I had nothing going on. Why would somebody hate on me? I wasn't good looking. I was long in the tooth. I had no agent. I had nothing going on.

The only person who gave me any fucking love was Mitchie Shore. Yeah. That was it. And these old guys would sit there. They'd get there at five after nine. Theo, even if they didn't have a spot, they'd sit there and they'd sign up for that fucking list. And they'd lurk all night.

Wow. And when you pulled up, you could see, like, the old six and we'd go, Fuck. You know, like they would beg for you not to show up so they could do their 15 minutes and get their glory for those 15 minutes. They would sell their soul. They would wish a heart attack on you. So you could get up and do your 50.

You know, it was just a horrible feeling. You know what I'm saying? I remember I had surgery. One of the reasons I stopped going to the store was I had a fat ball in my neck. And I kept getting bigger. Every time I got excited, it was the funniest thing. It would come out of here.

And it was just throb out of my fucking neck. It was a fat ball. And I finally got the balls and I went down and it wasn't cancer. It was just a fat ball. Thing of fat. And the doctor had to slice my neck and stick his hand down there and take this fat ball out. And he showed it to me in a jar. Yeah.

I'll never forget what the first thing I thought when I looked at that fat ball, I thought about all the people that came up to me at the store. I don't know why I meant. Right there in that operating table, when I'm coming out of my anesthesia, I'm talking to my wife, he comes over. He goes, you want to see the fat ball we took out? And when he showed it to me, first thing I thought about was all the people at the store that shake your hand. Yeah.

You turn around like, fuck him. You know, I thought about all those people. Hey, congratulations on Spider-Man too. Fucking Cokehead. Right. And you feel it. You know who's not in your team. Yeah.

And you go home and 20 years ago I would come down off my Coke and actually go to their house and knock on their door and say, what the fuck was your problem last? Yeah. But as I got old, right, thought. about I thought about why would they act that way? I can't lie to you. When I got here, guys, I was jealous of people

from 97 to like 98.5 and I figured it out. If I stopped being jealous, I could take that energy and do something good with it. You were jealous of what they got. That energy, it's basically a just in that energy. It's not a jealousy of a specific

human being. It was a jealousy of how to, Theo, how the fuck did you get innovative? I was in the belly room one night, 1130, and the fucking guy came up to me. What the fuck are you talking about it? I'm here all the fucking time, and nobody says boo to me. You're here at the fucking belly room on a Sunday and innovator. That's what you're fucking trying to tell me.

How did you get real sting gray? I was in the main room on a Tuesday night. I did a spot during the black show. What are you talking about? And here I am all the time. So it's that type of jealousy. Okay. How he had an agent and I didn't.

Meanwhile, I was getting spots at the impression. Improbbed the store and the lapel. Wow. You know, three months in, I was already under the board. Yeah, because I knew Gilbert Escobelso. He put me up Mondays at the Laugh Factory. The improv light, I was a regular

at the store. Wow. But that's all I had going on. Right. So I couldn't figure out the hostility of these older comics. And it was like you know, you dealt with three or four of them from Tuesday to

Thursday. Then on the weekends, they disappear and do whatever fucking shit they did. And then you dealt with another handful of them. And Charlie, Hill was a good guy. Alan Stevens was a great. Alan Stevens got me

on fucking Arliss opposite James Colburn. He saw me at the store and he's like, I got a roll for you. It's coming up. Trust me. And all of a sudden they called me, they gave me the fucking roll. Charlie Hill was an Indian guy. I never forget him pulling me aside and going, listen, you gave me belly laughs. Keep doing what you're doing.

Right. You know, don't get me wrong. There was two or three of them that were gentlemen. But there was ten of them that were just there to watch you fucking fail so they could talk about you. So that's why I give you guys all the respect. That's what I wanted to tell you. I appreciate that, man.

And someday when you get older and young guys will be there, I'll do that. You're going to go, you know what, man, I'm going to give these young guys the respect because I know what they go from a daily life. Yeah. You got a bunch of nose, man. Yeah. So sometimes an older guy comes up and says, dog, that ain't about dick. Yeah. Get up tomorrow morning.

Like, you get the lottery ticket in your pocket. Watch what happens, bitch. I remember where I heard it, man. I remember where I heard it. Bam! Fuck these motherfuck. What up. Lee, San Diego, the 17th, is already sold out.

So what they're going to add in the second show? You're going to be up in the mountains, giving Mama the High Hardwood up in fucking Utah. Big, given Mama the Mamma. What dates you got coming up, my brother? I got, coming up, I got Pittsburgh. I got Boston the 17th and 18th of this month, December. Sorry, I'm a little high. Laugh Boston.

I got Laugh Boston. That's a great club. Yeah, Laugh Boston, the 18th and 19th, actually. I think it is. Don't forget to go to Legal ZIPP. And tell them Lee St. You get 10% off here.

Oh, really? Yep. It's a great. Yeah, done. I've heard of it. I worked there for two years. And I got, and then I got

January, oh, I got Pittsburgh, January 6th through 8, I think it is. And you got a Netflix special. Yeah, 8 through 11th, 6 through 10th in Pittsburgh,

something like that. Which I'm proud of you because you got the shooting at the state. Thanks, yeah, and I got the Netflix special. Representing like a mother-fought. New Orleans,

baby, holding down the South. Trying to, man. It was awesome. And I never felt so much love and support from my hometown and all the people I grew up with. That just came out to fucking, it just blew my mind, man. Like it was like kind of like validated like all the fucking negative thoughts you have when you're a kid, you know, is it's like, oh man, maybe these people like thought I was an okay person. You know, I don't know. How old were you the first time you left Covington to go to New Orleans as an adventure by yourself without the parents to get your dick so?

Oh, 15. Did you get your dick suck? Yeah. Like I'm a dick sucked. Wasn't great, but I'm lightly sucked pretty much by this girl. when you were 15 you were already a man no no no no I was just but you you know you I was getting out there you were getting but I'm talking what was your mentality like having an older dad having oh I knew what was very aware okay very aware and you were more aware than the kids your age you just didn't say

nothing yeah you'd have to say why you knew these things yeah and then you seem weird I feel like you try to like explain yourself you've always felt a little out of that's the way I've always felt a little yeah I've always felt pretty strange as you get older you talk about it but you're still Twitch is like I couldn't tell these stories 15 years ago. Yeah. There's no fucking way. Well, dude, watching guys like you is fucking inspires like guys like me so much, man, because it's like you just say whatever. Like I'll literally after seeing one of your sets, I'm like,

how does he? I just, to get to that spot in your life, you can just be so open about shit. That's unreal, man. It's cool. It's inspiring. So thanks, man. Thanks for what you do.

I don't understand you work hard. You come out here, you develop. And all of a sudden, you get some guy that goes, you know, Theo, I really like you. Southern style. But I really like you for you to do a more family show like a pitch.

Yeah. And then you go to Lee, I'm inside and go, hey, Lee, man, you're a pretty good writer. Hook me up in the afternoons. Let's write together. Yeah. And you write this act that isn't you. Yeah. And... Oh, it would be tough, man.

You understand? I couldn't even imagine. I'm trying to say to you. So, when I got here, I was so desperate there was times I didn't have a voice. Yeah. not going to lie to anybody. Oh, yeah.

Every comedian goes through that. Right. Where you come here and they confuse you a little bit. Yeah. Because you thought you had the goods, but now you start hearing things. And it's like Ronda Rousey right now. Ronda Rousey's not in hell because she got knocked out. Right.

Rhonda Rousey doesn't know where the drawing board, where to start. Right. So it's the same thing for comics. Like you don't know, you get the wind knocked out of you. It's, it's, I don't even know what the fuck I was. It happens, man. It's intense. No worries.

I have to text this person I was going to meet at 9 right now. Just let them know that I'm fucking... Let me do the fucking sponsors here and we'll get you the fuck out of here. No, I don't mean that. I don't want to go. I'm just saying... No, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about it.

We're going to get the fuck out of here. We're going to go to Jiu-Too party. Joey, he's going to do a couple backflips like Circus DeSle. Oh, I'll watch that shit, dude. I'll watch that shit. The only thing I got is I have my Netflix special coming out at the end of February. So check it out. It's called No offense.

and thanks for the love, man. Thanks for having me on, too. Hey, man, you know, I love you to death. Like I said, I love all these young guys. I like watching you. And all my friends love you, man. And I go home at night and I think about it. I go, wow, you know, it's nice I could talk to all those younger guys.

It's nice that they don't treat me like I'm lurking. That's why I go to the store. I go my spot and I leave. Oh, dude, you have a max or respect. Because I don't want to be like the old guy. Look at fucking Joey D is smoking pot with young kids. I'm ashamed of it. It's so.

I am probably ashamed of myself. It's you. You know, I shouldn't. I'm like a grandpa. I should be at home fucking mending a sweater, rubbing Lee's feet in the future. You can be rubbing my feet? Whatever.

If I was your grandpa, you know me. I'm a dirty grandpa. Anyway, let's talk about fucking underwear, all right? It needs to be comfy, snugging all the right places. It needs to look good and feel good. I mean, that's the, you know, you just don't want to wear underwear that's comfy. You want the world's most comfortable underwear,

and that's me on these. Playing it's fucking simple, okay? I love meandis. You know why? Because it's got modalile. Every pair of meandis is made of micro-modal fabric, which doesn't sound sexy right now. But once you feel your meandis,

you'll never go back to wearing regular underwear ever, ever, ever again. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I go to a gym now, that's all I wear. Nealdi-up. Yeah, because I want my nuts sack to pop out. Yeah. Oh, I got that old man syndrome. Respect.

With me undies, it keeps them tight, warm. It pulls the sweat away from your skin, your moisture. I've been in a position one time when I had the knee surgery. I had the same underwear on for like 18 hours. Oh, that's good feeling. That night I went to take my underwear else. I thought my nut sack was going to smell and be moist.

It was fresh. That's when I got sold on Miandis when I had the fucking surgery. So let me tell you something. With Miondi's, you'll feel more comfortable than ever before. Plus that, Miondi's has a ton of different colors to choose from. It's the only place you're going to find the same styles for him and for her. And they got a new signature design every month. They also just launched a new boxer line.

It's like we're in nothing at all, only better. And with the holidays around the corner, Meandis makes a perfect gift. I think it's a little too late right now. But you know what? Fuck it. Give it to them a little late before New Year's. You know you never see the motherfuckers on the 25th anyway.

Agreed. All right. So do me a favor. These are not your parents stocking stuff, but who cares? Get them a pair anyway. Your dad needs some action. Everybody needs me on these. I don't care how old you are.

Everybody needs a pair of me on these. I want some. So go to meondies. dot com right now slash joey and you're going to get 20% off your first order plus all orders in the u.s and canada tell them lee they ship for free always me yonis even has a money back guarantee if you don't love your first pair you get to keep them and you get the full refund bam plus the tax that means you have nothing to lose okay what's today's date December 10th boom so if you order me undies before December 13th your meandies will be arrive on time

for Christmas. Planning fucking simple. That means you got till back Sunday to order me undies. Go to me on these right now and get 20% off your first order on the world's most comfortable

fucking underwear. Head to head with any other pair of underwear is go to meandis.com slash Joey right now. That's meandis.com slash joey. Right now I got the fucking leopard one with the sabotage. What's that with the swirl?

I love those are my favorite ones. The black ones are a little too tight. Then they sent me these long pants. I cut those into underwear. That's the best investment I ever made. We've done that. I took it to the Armenian fucking sew her. She sewed them down.

They're like loose boxes. You have no idea how comfortable meandies is. Go to meandes.com right now and get slash joey and get 20% off your first order. Free shipping in U.S. In Canada League. What is going on with you tonight? I had it coughed up, but it got like super strong. I don't know if it's because of high.

It might be. Yeah. Is your mom going to be fucking pissed, bro? It's going to be interesting. I'm praying to God she's asleep. You have to, you got to periscope that, dude. Yeah, periscope your mom coming in and how yelling at you. Looking at your eyeballs.

Where are your eyeballs, Lee? I know why your eyeballs. But stop and get some vizines. So you don't look so fucking obvious, cock suck. Anyway, my favorite people in the world, especially now over the holidays, let me tell you some, there's no better gift than the gift to on it. Honit's got, listen, Alpha Brain, 100% money back guarantee, shroom tech sport, shroom tech immune, hemp force protein, kettle bells, weights, weighted vest, a teap, I mean, listen, I can't sit here and tell you all the great products they got. Do me a favor.

Go to Onet.com right now and press in. Church. Boom, and get 10% off your first order. Me, I'm a hemp protein, cocoa type of dude, and I also like the shroom tech sport before I go to Jiu-Jitsu. I'm still out of shape, and I'm still a fat fuck, but at least. I go. I want to congratulate my brother Lee for taking third place in the fucking John Jock Christmas tournament

while we're talking about it. He didn't take Shroom Tech. I'm not able to take him first place. Anyway, back to motherfucking all right, here we go. Listen, for all you magazine readers, let me tell you what I got for you guys for the holidays, all right? Two words. One word.

Texture.com, all right? Texture.com will get... Listen, all I know is magazines are pain in the ass. You go to People Magazine. and it says it got a story in there and you've got to go through the pages, 80, da, da, da, da, da, da. Texts you cuts that in half. Text is the app that gives you all access pass

to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet. You get to browse hundreds of magazines and cherry-pick the articles that interest you the most. The textia editorial team recommends stories for you daily plus their curated collections let you dive deeper into the topics that interest you. Sign up to text you right now in a mere section.

Second, you're going to gain insider access to the very best reads plus exclusive content with the full access to the top magazines just about every interest. Textia is the one present that they'll open again and again. Let me tell you the magazines you got on Texas, all right? You got Bloomberg Markets, Bloomberg Business Week, Money Sense, Runner's World, Rolling Stone, 17, Siemper Mujer. You've got Vanity Fair, Woman's Day, the New Yorker, Towns, Today's Parents, Surfer, Teen Vogue, the Hollywood Reporter.

I could go on for an hour, all the magazines they got. The best thing is, Texia's offering my listeners, a free trial right now when you go to texia.com slash Joey. Even better, give texture as a gift between now and December 31st. Think about it. You'll gain unrestricted access

to the world's best magazines. From back issues to the one on newsstands today. Order this fantastic gift for your loved one before December 31st. Try texture for free. Right now, when you go to Texture, texture.com slash Joey. Listen, man, you're going to fly.

You want to read certain magazines. You download them before you go on the flight. You pop open your tablet and there's your fucking articles that you want to read. Everything you want to read. Everything you read right in front of you. Plus it gets deeper. It goes to certain articles, other articles that might interest you. But listen, do me a favor. The only way you're going to know for sure is go to texia.com slash Joey

and order right now. You're going to get a free trial when you go to texia.com slash joy. You can download articles from the whole issue. for offline reading. Plus, you can share your subscription with the entire family, right? That's how much they're going. So that means basically a gift for you,

if you think about it. I like it. Then you share the subscription with your entire family, so then you get to see the magazines. And let me tell you what else I got for you guys, because I'm giving you all the action I got before the holiday so you don't go, Joey.

What the fuck? You don't tell me what you got? It's the holiday season. You don't know. You show up at these fucking places. You don't know what to buy these fucking people. Yeah. You know, like right now,

I'm looking like gift cards or whatever. Leaves. Hatches his head. Hats. You don't know what to give you. I got the fucking answer for your questions. It's cheap, too. I think it's delivered right to your door.

You ready for this? I know what it is. Club W. You're like Joey, what the hell is Club W? Club W is a, is a, what they call it? A wine, what they call? It's a wine subscription. But it's a wine subscription, but it's something,

it's the grape to glass wine revolution. What that's that? means is let me break it down for even better for 9,000 years people have been making wine that's how long people been confused about which wine to drink red white chardonnay ba-p-papa pop-pah you get a headache after they drink the wine but for many of us it's the shopping that causes the real headache so many choices what to learn they're chewing chicken they got beef and there's no guarantee you even like what you buy all right let me tell you some it's tough getting a bottle of wine especially know the holidays you got a stop park

do this, blah, blah, blah, blah. I hate all that stuff. This is why I recommend this more than anything. I joined the new wine club, ClubW. They changed the whole game. It's easy. You go to clubbw.com. That's clubbw.com, and you answer six simple questions.

Their algorithm creates a palette profile just for you. Let's say you like fruity wines. You like sweet wines, bob, bop, bop. If you want to eat chicken, then they send the wine directly to your door, perfectly customized to match your taste. Club W is the leading Great to Glass Wine Revolution. They work directly with the vineyards

and they cut out the middleman. Which saves you dough. So with Club W, get premium wine customized to your taste at a third of what they pay for at the store. You even have a no risk, 100% guarantee that you'll love

what they send you. Let's do this. Let's end the fucking drama here. Right now. Club W is offering my listeners 50% off. Your first order when you go to clubw.com slash joey. That's clubw.com slash joey. Stop wasting time. Stop and blah, blah, bah,

messing around at retail stores. Start drinking wine, you know you're going to love. Shit. Go to clubw.com slash joey and get 50% off your first order. And then this whole holiday bullshit with the fucking wine, all right? That's clubbw.com slash joy. I want to thank Clubw. I want to thank texture.

I want to thank meandis. and I want to thank, the reason why I was giggling was there's a candle right there. And all I kept thinking about how that candle was going to light that piece of paper. There's not a lollipop stick in there. It could be something beautiful. That's a wig. So everything's beautiful here.

Everybody's Copacetic here. We'll be back Sunday night. We might be back Saturday. We might do our own little fight companion on, what is it, Periscope. We don't know what we're going to do. I want to thank my main man, Theo Vaughn. Thank you. I want to thank my main man, Lee Syedica over here with this bad motherfucking hair do.

Beautiful. Eyeballs. And that's it, guys. I'll see you next week. Don't forget next Thursday, San Diego. Then after that, I've been tour at the Chinese restaurant, the 23rd. Really? Yeah, you're coming.

Thank you. Amen. Yeah. This show is brought to you by ClubW. ClubW is the new wine club that changed everything. You just go to Clubw.com and answer six simple questions, and their algorithm creates a palette profile just for you. They then send the wine directly to your door, which is perfect. customized to your match your taste.

ClubW is the leading grape to glass wine revolution, and they work directly with vineyards to cut out the middlemen which save you money. Right now, ClubW is offering our listeners 50% off of your first order. That's right. That's 50% off of your first order when you go to clubw.com slash Joey. Stop wasting time and money, messing around at the retail stores, and start drinking wine you know you're going to love. Go to clubw.com slash Joey.

that's clubw.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first order. This show is brought to you by Miandis. Miandis makes the world's most comfortable underwear, and they also make shirts, socks, sweat shirts, sweatpants, all of their great products can be found at meundies.com slash Joey. And when you go to meundies.com slash joey right now, you're willing to get it 20% off of your first order, plus free shipping in the U.S. and Canada,

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This podcast is brought to you by the app, Texture. Right now, go to texture.com slash Joey to get a free trial of this brand new app. With texture, you get an all-access pass to the world's best magazines right on your phone or your tablet. You get to browse hundreds of magazines and check back the articles that interest you the most, and they recommend articles for you daily, plus curated collections that you drive deeper into topics.

Sign up right now and in mere seconds gain insider access to the very best rear plus exclusive contact. So go to texture.com right now slash Joey, and get a free trial of this great new app. This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Code Word Church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products like AlphaBrain, New Mood, Shrmtec Immune and Shrmtec Sport.

It's Coldwood Church to get 10% off. Thank you, Theo.