The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #341 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 17, 2015

 Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 12/17/2015.
   Music:  Born On The Bayou - Creedence Clearwater Revival Babalu Aye - San Lazaro  

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This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products like AlfaBrain, New Mood, Shrmtecabune, and ShumTech Sport. It's code word church to get 10% off. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's the church, motherfuckers. December 17th,

2015, it's almost over. Oh shit. Thursday, cock suckers. Where you've been? The day the devil was buried at sea. Look at Lee. Look at Lee.

Thank you that motherfucker. Oh shit. The church of what's happened now. Uncle Joey. Lee Syatt. Old school today. No guest. Just talking about some shit.

shit that's been going on in the last couple weeks. What's happening, Doug? I'm doing great. Oh, my God. I haven't heard that song. What Adam Sandler song did that open? What Adam Sandler movie did that open with? I'm not sure what that born on the bio.

Maybe it was Waterboy. That's a bad fucking jam. That's one of my all-time favorite. That makes me feel like a fucking American in that jam. Really? Yeah, that song fires me up in the morning. Do you ever do that? I know you must, but like, something with that,

I immediately thought of Waterboy. Like, when you hear that, do you ever think of? have a movie you was in or like when you hear songs does that where you go a movie is a soundtrack a music a soundtrack of your life the songs that really thwart you that throw you for a loop that make you catch a breath and go wow i was there that day or this is what happened that made me like this song or this is what made me relate to this song that's always that like that's but this particular song was in some one more movie i had seen oh okay i don't know what war movie could have been Apocalypse now. I don't know, maybe it was something else. I could be wrong. But I've

always liked this song since I was a kid. Like the first time I heard, I'm not a big, big fan of CCR, but I like this fucking jam a lot. This jam just means something to me. I don't know what. It's a great song. Yeah, it just reminds me of being a kid, uh, hearing this in the Bronx. Like hearing this when I was in the Bronx, really? Yeah, my mom had the dry cleaner and I would go to the Bronx and I was allowed to play in front of it on Tremont Avenue. And I remember this plane. Like, that's what that's what this song reminds me of. If you asked me, that's what you asked me.

And there was another situation where it was in a movie. But this is what this song reminds me of being in the Bronx. Like this song, War by Edwin Starr, those type of songs take me back to, I barely spoke English. I spoke maybe 70% English. And this is how I would learn my English by listening to these songs. like Michael Jackson came with ABC and I want you back. And that album really helped me out a little bit. So that's what I, I still remember walking down Broadway.

I can't remember with who. Could have been my mom, could have been my godfather. I still remember walking down Broadway with the money in my pocket that I had saved from working at the bars like a five-year-old, like whatever they job they would make me do, going to buy ABC. Really? I'll maybe see. Like, I still physically remember that.

I still physically remember walking from 88th Street to like 100th Street. Like some fucking ratty kids to buy James Brown hot pants when it was just a 45 single, when they cost like a dollar or 75 cents or some shit. Like, that's what, you know, I think about the 70s. Like, that was that music for me, the early 70s. But music has always been a part of my heart. I'm lying. My mom always fucking had music on, you know. And was it playing at the dry cleaner, or were, like, were people playing it on boom boxes?

Boom boxes? Really? Like, I still remember. Just on the street in the Bronx. I still remember that particular CCR song, me, like, just breathing and hearing that song and just liking the beat. Like, somebody had it on playing in a car or something like that, you know, and just me being, it was a hot day and me being, like, in front of there playing with, like, a rock or a fucking

whatever I played with in those days. And it wasn't a great neighborhood, you know. It wasn't a great neighborhood. But I remember the sun was shining that day. And on the corners, the reason why I really like going to my mom's dry cleaner at that time was because on the corner there was an Italian ice pizza joint. Oh. I had the pizzas out on the racks and the Italian ice.

And I would go in there and he'd give me a Sherbert Italian ice with Sprite a 7-Up, and you shake it up really good. Like you stir it, and not shake it off. Like lemon lime Italian ice? Yeah, like a, no, it was a Sherbert. Oh, like, orange, They called them something like something up there. But that's why I went to the Bronx and they'd give you a long spoon and you had to beat the ice cream around with the fucking soda.

That's what I remember. And that was the only place ever at that dry cleaner where I really had an altercation where kids chased me to take my money. No way. Yeah, like a block and a half one time. Because the dry cleaner was on like Tremont. And if you went to the corner, it became like a really popular street. Or maybe my guy, I have my streets confused. It was like tree mountain something else.

And this, you know, like when you walk down and have shoe stores and Woolworth, do you remember what Woolworth was? No. No. Work was a national chain. Oh, like a Macy's or something? Yeah, but a lot smaller. And it was like the original, it was like a little higher than a dollar store.

You went to Woolworth's to get notebooks and maybe a pair of socks and an eraser. You know, everything was like a fucking $5 bill at Woolworts. And I remember going to Woolworts for something. It was around the corner. And there was a toy store. And I remember having, like, shorts on, nice sneakers, a t-shirt, like a gold chain. My mom would always give me, like, a gold chain. These three kids spotted me.

But just the way they were looking at me, I fucking started running. And I looked back, and they were chasing me, and I made it to the dry cleaner before they came in. How old are you, do you think? Five. And you could just tell, like this. Yeah, they were maybe seven. I could just tell the way they were looking at me. And you were allowed to walk.

around that area. I had a permission to walk to the corner, but I would go, hey, I'm going to go into the store, and then I would come out the side door. You know, like places on the corner, two doors. They have, like, one door going in and one going out. Yeah. So I would go out the side door, walk up the street,

and walk back in that door, and walk out the side door. Just see it like the rule? Yeah, what took you so long? I was in there. There was a big line. Gino was talking to whoever. I don't remember. That's a guy's name or what.

But I remembered those memories in the Bronx and the dry climate. cleaners. I remember the guy upstairs. There was a black chef. The black chef doubled as the ironing guy. Okay. And his name is Mike. And I really liked Mike. I talked to Mike a lot. He had just come back from Vietnam. And Mike was the guy that took the clothes off like these pseudo hangers and then put him on a thing and he would press him. Yeah. That's what Mike did. My grandfather was a dry cleaner for his entire life. Yeah, that's what he did. You never really talked about the dry cleaner. Like how? How long did she have it for?

Maybe two years of my youth. It had come along. What happened was it was a partner's, it was somebody else's, and then when they became partners in the numbers operation, there was a co-sudo office for my mother. It was her little pit stop in the Bronx. She'd go upstairs, check out the numbers. But that guy, Mike, we used to call him Black Mike. No, we used to call him Mike Black, because there was two mics.

Okay. It was a negative mic. Mike. Mike Nagle. Mike Nekal? Mike Blanco had something on the corner. He did something. And Mike and Nagle was the dude who ironed the clothes. But at 3 o'clock, Mike El Negro, no, no, no, I'm lying to you guys. At about 11, Mike L. Negro would go upstairs and cook for the bookies upstairs. So upstairs on top of the dry clean, it wasn't a small bookie office. It was a central office where all their bookies called in their action. So like a main bookie?

It was like a main bookie. So my mom split the details to the dude named Nelson. Nelson was a good friend of my father's. So it was maybe on the third floor. And Nelson would have a blackboard. And he would have zero one, two, three, four, four, up to nine. And under that, they would yell numbers at him. $604, $10.

And he would look to $604 and put $10 on it. it. And if you called back and said $604, $20, then that board had $30, $10 on it already. If you called $30 on it, it became $40. And they watched that number until money was too high in that number. Then they call off half the number. Oh, so they wouldn't take a beating. So if somebody doubled, somebody called and you have, if you got $8,000, if somebody put $8,000 on 604 and 604 come out, you're going to take a beating that day. So at a certain amount of, you're number you cut that off and you call that to a different bookie bank and go hey I got action for you take thirty dollars on six oh okay so you because you only want it up to a certain

amount so you don't get your ass busted so if you if let's say I called you you're a bookie I want 604 but it's too much you say let's say you call me right and every day you bet $10 on 604 right but today you can $10 wins you $5,000 Jesus okay cash at the end of the day. I'll come to the bar where you drink at. So it's $500 to 1. Right. Wow. Whatever it is.

Right. So it's $10.000 is $5,000. So you call me up and you say, Joey, I want to bet $25 on fucking whatever. That's $12.5. That'll bust my ass if I'm a small independent guy on a corn. So I'll call $20 of that to lease I had. At least I had to take this. So do you say no to the person calling or you just say, yeah, and then you move on?

Yeah, and then you move on. You never want to tell that person. No, you take everybody's action. Oh, okay. You don't want the word around that Lee called Joey Diaz, and he wouldn't take his action because it was too high. I'll tell you, let me make a call first. Let me get the right line.

I'll tell you some line. Let me get the right line. Hold on. Let me get the fucking information from the track and see how the horses are running. Let me call you right back. With numbers, it doesn't really work. I got to take that number. It's like when somebody goes into a picket store, into a gas station,

and says, hey, I want to play, like yesterday, I went to Higgins. And then I went to get water at the gas station. There was a guy in front of me playing fucking tickets and getting six tickets with a lizard on it and four tickets. You got to take their action. The state has to take their action.

But with the same with gambling. If you call me up, okay? Right. And you go, Joey, what's your line? You're in Boston. Okay. You call your bookie in Boston. You go, Joey, what's your line on Boston today?

I'm in New England. I'm sorry. And I go 11.5. Let me call you right back. Hold on my mother's got on the other line. you're going to call your buddy Joey who's a buddy who's got a buddy in Vegas

and you're going to go Joey what's the line out there nine and a half it's two more points because it's in Boston you're local they got to raise the line everybody's going to bet

New England right yeah he's going to call me so this guy's going to take a beating so you call me and let's say the guy wants to bet you know you want to bet 50,000 on New England

okay I take your action right right But I got to get something. Who's doing them playing this week? The Titans. The Titans. So I got to get somebody to bet $50,000 on the Titans so it's even.

So you don't lose either way. So you lose either way. I can just take the juice. I could just take the fucking Vig, which is if you bet, call me and bet 50,000 and you lose, you got to bet me $55,000. Because it's $50,000 to bet, but $5,500. You know, it's a $500 commission. Oh.

So that's how I make my money on the fucking action. So wait, who pays you the $500? You do when you lose. You have to pay an extra $500? Yeah. So if you call me and you go, I want to bet $50,000 on the jets. Right. And they lose.

You've got to pay me $5,500. There's a 10-point Vig on that $5,000. Jesus Christ. But the guy that just bet me $50,000, he wins $50. So I get $5,000 for my actions. That's amazing. So you don't lose either way. I don't lose either way.

That's why I create a utopia. A utopia is an equal balance on both sides. I don't lose a dime. I make $5,000 just exchanging a motherfucking phone call. How do you find that other person to balance your bet? They're in Cleveland. They got a bigger bank. I've been doing business with them for seven years.

See, the money in this country, the people that tell you they went to Vegas and bet $20,000, They're fucking just regular Joe's. The people who make a living gambling, they don't want the government to know what they're doing. No. So the biggest gambling cities are like Mississippi, Cleveland,

Akron, all that Ohio, they gamble a lot. And they control a lot of banks. And yes, there's banks in New York, and there's big banks in Florida, gangsters who have banks who are willing to take a $250,000 fucking gamble.

You know, there's people that you call up. There's people who are millionaires that want to gamble, but they don't want them on their tax. returns. And yeah, you could, at least I had come here for a second. Do me a favor. Call Vegas and put $500,000. You win. You got to pay taxes on that. So the 10% that you're paying

as a VIG is worth it. It's worth it. Okay. Nobody knows your business. Lee, call your buddies. See, it'll take $50,000 on the fucking knowing one Patriots this weekend. And that's how you make money. So you try to create a fucking utopia. And Vegas does the same. Vegas is called the casino

next door. That's why they have a few casinos. That's why they just don't own one property. Oh, okay. You own a couple different properties so you can move that fucking gambling money around. It's a very interesting way how the gambling is a if, like I've told you, if I couldn't beat a do a comedy and I

didn't want to be legit right now. In my situation with my daughter, I could become a small time bookey and still point by the grand a week. And be safe. Wow. Maybe $1,500, maybe $2,000. Build it up to make.

maybe 20 grand a month. My heavier months of fucking basketball college. You know, I got seven months. I'm making, I walk out of, if I can make $150,000 a year and seven months work, not have to fucking carry a broom. I didn't do too bad for myself. No. Did you ever, or did you ever experience, because you worked at those sports betting services,

was anyone there a bookie undercover just to get the people calling them? No. That wouldn't work? No, no. The guy, he hired his friends. The guy worked for hired friends and people that were in. There was no book. You couldn't call somebody and go take this action and then call me back. There are services that will say to you, we can provide somebody. You know, there's people who do that. I guarantee they do. In my world, I think that's entrapment. Yeah, that seems like... I could sell you information. I can't find you a fucking broker, but I don't know. I don't know how it works, but I never did. It just seems like the perfect, like, the already calling for betting information, then you could be, now they'd probably record it and you'd be fired, but back then you could probably be like, hey, I'll take the action for you.

No, no, no, you would have to give them a number to call and somebody else would take the action. But you'd still be connected to it. You still get a little piece of that fucking action. Do you know what I'm saying? Like they would give you whatever you said, a portion of whatever they sent you send them. So let's say if they lose $7,000 fucking dollars, that bookies going to kick back to. 200 to me or something. How big do you think is like, I'm going to call it like the underground, like the underground economy, like the black market economy, like there's betting, there's drugs, like how much money do you think is like spent on all that stuff?

Yesterday was a show on Las Vegas last night before I went to sleep on that GEO. Okay. And they were talking about how much money that goes through Las Vegas. They had two professional gamblers, two professional thieves, like people go into clubs and play card sharks. Oh, okay. They had some white, fucking black guy driving around with a shotgun, looking to rob bookies and stuff like that, little bookies and stuff like that. And they said at one point, I don't know what the exact number was.

Let's pretend there's $15.9 billion going through Vegas every year, whatever they reported last year. I don't know exactly what the numbers were. Don't quote me on that. I just saw a number they put up last night. I don't know. But there's a lot of people that, you think, when Michael, I don't know, do you think when Michael Jordan was putting in all those bets? He was betting it in Vegas.

No. You know, if I was somebody, I wouldn't want my degenerate gambling skills to be fucking out there. But you take a guy, I tell you, it was a degenerate gambler. And it was betting 250,000. I know two people who are degenerate gammas. I don't know them personally. I'm not saying this. But I've known, I knew one guy for sure that was a degenerate gambler.

And I heard of the stories of the other guy. And one guy was the Sheen that has the AIDS. Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheens, 15 years ago, was putting $250,000 across the board every weekend. $250,000. Now, in gambling terms, if somebody's listened to this and they're a bookie, I don't know how big this is. But as far as somebody, $250,000 minimum on a Sunday. That's a million a month.

In college basketball. Not what he was losing. But just betting. What he was betting. Right. Okay. John Gotti, well-known, degenerate. You know, 12 million a year, making netting, and probably gambling,

six million of that way. Jesus, what about, and I don't know him at all, but Ben Affleck has been kicked out of almost a ton of casinos. Like, that's what you're saying. You don't want it on display, and he's on TMZ getting kicked out of casinos for playing too much blackjack. Is that true? Yeah, yeah, he got kicked out.

I think it was the hard rock last year. He just, he wins too much money. well, he's not a degenerate gamble. If he wins, obviously he's doing something. Maybe he gets accused accounting or something, whatever. But my point being that you don't want people to know you have that habit. Right. You know, or you don't want your, you can't back the, if I put a bed in tomorrow, $75,000 in Vegas, I don't know if they look at my tax returns.

I'm not sure. But let's say I win, and I win 75,000 in Vegas. I'm sure an IRS fucking guys, call me up. and go, hey, so you make 100 grand a year, but you had the balls to bet $75,000 on a fucking football game? I think you... I think.

Over $500. I think you have to sign something. Yes. Jesus. Well, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, and I used to go to the track with Mr. Bender, I would be that kid.

I would use their winnings to my Social Security card. And it never came back on you? No, I was 13. How much could I make in a year? $6,000, $5,000? It never... Bip me in the ass, again, like 13. And the ages, like, 12 to 14,

I must have made thousands just going out to the track and when people would win that, oh, you know, the government tax liens or whatever, I would fucking do that. That's unbelievable. And then never, like, now it would come back on you. That's amazing. That just never came back on you.

Oh, you know, we don't live. I didn't grow up on an age of computer. So I caught a six-year break. You know, I had to get my police record. and I was looking at it a couple weeks ago. I'm like, first of all, there was a lot of shit that's missing from there, but there was a lot of shit on that I didn't do. Really?

You know what I'm saying? Like there was a possession of cocaine. I never got a rest of a possession of cocaine. There was a lot of shit that was added and a lot of shit that was taken all. Like another Jose Diaz? Oh, yeah, but Jose Diaz, I've told you just like John Smith. Right, that's what they put another Jose Diaz is this thing on your report. So did you have to get it fixed?

I'm going to have to get a fix. I'm going to have to call Clifside Park and say that wasn't me. That wasn't me to go arrested for blow I never got arrested for fucking blow For carrying possession Nothing like that Really? Your whole time you never got picked up with blow on you No

No How did you manage that? I only had an army when it was time to get down But you never But you never got like Arrested when it was time to get down No Wow

No That's unbelievable No No it's really weird We lost three cats We lost two cats this year We lost Harry and Sissy. And I was thinking about Harry.

No, no, no, Fidel. And I was thinking about Fidel the other day. Like when you'd have shrimp, how Fidel would grace out towards you like a ballerina. Like his chest was strong. He would always show you his whole chest. He didn't walk crooked. He was got a big head so he would come at you and go, wow. And then put his hand up for you.

Even if you were six feet away, he put his hand up to you. Like, come here, motherfucker. Give me a piece of shrimp. Then we had Sissy. Sissy was a. a great cat. But there was something about Sissy that I never talked about for a long time. Sissy

didn't say boo to me for six years. When I tell you, she wouldn't get 10 feet close to me for six fucking years. And one time, I finally picked her up when she was about when Terry had her in the house, maybe

18 months. One day she lost control of what she was doing. And I finally, she misplaced herself like she didn't know where she was and she bent over and picked i bent over i'm sorry and picked her up right and as i went to give her a kiss she ripped my fucking arm open she ripped it just she just uh not like scratch it like maliciously she was so scared that her claws from her back legs she pushed off and one of the claws got me like a three inch gash and i bled and i fainted the whole fucking deal i was never madder and i couldn't

figure out what it was well guess what the like a week after I stopped doing coke, she started warming up to me. And by the time I was like a year clean, she would sit on my lap. And then after I had a relationship just grew and grew and grew and grew. So yeah, I had Sissy for 14 years. But I really only had Sissy for seven of those years. And I've always thought about that story how Sissy had no contact with me while I was doing cocaine. Do you think she could sense the cocaine or do you think it was just your personality on cocaine?

It was my energy at that time. my energy was just so fucking rotten at that time. I don't know what this had to do with what we were talking about gambling. About gambling or whatever, but people know. You could feel it. You could feel that desperation. Animals feel it. Kids feel it.

Sometimes people feel things for different fucking reasons, and you don't know why. Maybe it's the universe warning you or something. But it's just really weird when I was doing all that blow. That cat would have no contact with me. That cat would not stay in a room if I was in the... that fucking room. If I walked into the bedroom and she was in the bed, she'd jump off the bed.

I couldn't figure it out. Was she cool with your wife? Tremendously. People would come over and she'd sit on their laps. But she, oh, wow. And when did you figure it out? You figured out after you had... I figured out after like two years after I wasn't doing blow.

That she was my fucking goomba now. But when I had that shit running through my system, she wouldn't come close to me. That's crazy. Cats are weird, man. I told you, I had a lot of fun. looking after your cats. But I've always been a dog person because I was allergic to cats. And then all the cats that I interacted with were like the hiding cats, the cats that you never

see when you're at their house. But I don't know what it is about your cats that just, I'm not going to say they're like dogs, but they play. I gave them love. Yeah. I gave them a lot of love. I saw where they came from. I don't know either.

I don't know either. I sit there some nights and I look down. There's three of them looking at me and I try to give more love. I get on my hands and knees and I'll go get a brush. I'll brush him and I have no problem with them. We have to give one of them Prozac. Superbad is just an attack thing. Really?

He just keeps fighting with Harry all night. You hear it. Back and forth, the noises. And this was never like this until Fidel died because they created a power vacuum. So now somebody's got to be the fucking unadulterated leader. Demi's cool, but Subbad beats up on Demi. Superbad's main wars with Harry, and they go back and forth. Some weeks, Harry runs away from...

Super bad. Some week, Superbad runs away from Harry. I don't know what the fuck's going on. But I gave them a lot of love. I gave them respect. I didn't give a fuck what people said. They're my animals. I made a commitment to them. So now you've got to put your soul into this shit.

You know, and it's funny how I never did that when I was younger. Last night, we had the opportunity to go to Gayburg Laces Christmas party. Okay. Now, Gay Brug Laces has been doing a Christmas party for about 10 years now. That's amazing. I couldn't believe that when you told me that. But he would always have him December 20th, December 21st. I was always on my way to Houston, Texas.

Oh, okay. So for years, I did Houston. And then I come back and he would have him once he had him for three years at the Ha-ha. And then he started doing him at the Taste of Texas. And he started doing general invite, anybody who wanted to come to these fucking things. And he would pay for everybody? And he'd pay for everybody. Put the food out, poker tournament, raffle off a TV, catered.

I mean, you should have seen this shit. Mexican food at its best to taste of Texas. Just, excuse me, off of West Covena. West Covena, just a great fucking place. And I ended up driving down there one year, but it was 40 minutes each way. And you couldn't really drink, you couldn't really do nothing because you've got to drive back. So I never really went back to them. And then a couple years ago, did you go to one with me?

No, that's my first time going. Okay, a couple of years ago, maybe three years ago, I went to one. It was at a different place. And I really had a good time. And I really liked those guys. But I noticed one at that one. I noticed that there was a lot of people there that had nothing to do with Gabriel. And I remember looking at them and seeing a circle of people talking to him that just wanted something.

You know, like they went there with the wrong intention. Like, that's it. It's Christmas. We don't want to talk about business. And I remember going over there and I remember hearing like one guy. So, Gabriel, when are you going to start showcasing for season two of, Oh, standard revolution. Oh, standard revolution.

And I fucking went over and I saw a bunch of comedy club owners that didn't belong there and comedy club bookers and whatever. It had nothing to do with me. Jesus, he's a great guy for doing this. But I knew this couldn't stay the way it was. I kept hearing worse and worse stories every year. People contacting him to fly him in for the party. What? Oh, man, it got fucking crazy.

So I get this invite about a month ago. And I look at it. I look at the date. Bam, I'm in town. You know, it's Wednesday night. We usually do a podcast, but we'll probably do it in the afternoon or blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go, Lee, you want to come with me?

I was going to take a friend of mine that's a Gabriel fan, and I said, fuck that shit. I'm taking Lee. Lee's my partner. I'm crying with him. You know, he knows Gabriel, you know, let him go down there mingle and shit like that. We call Steve Simone.

Steve Simone was also invited. Because this year, like I said, it got so big. And even when I left, And I was driving home two years ago. I was like, this is too big. There are too many people here. And sure enough, this year I got like an invite and you had to put cordially invited and how many people you were bringing and that shit.

I put your name down and the whole thing. So there was no misunderstanding. You could tell this year. So I called Simone, and I know Simone's dear friends with him. And the only person I didn't see there last night was Jerry Roach. Yeah, that was surprising. But it was. I think Jerry's out of town.

So no worries. I call Steve and we all meet at a quarter of eight and we drive down there and we pull into the place, you know, and we weren't high, right? We didn't eatables, nothing. We were straight, but fucking hungry. Yeah. We were starving, you know. It was Lucille's barbecue house down in Long Beach and we drove up and there was a parking spot right there and we walked in. There was tables everywhere and I guess they needed one more table and they gave us a table myself, Lee, Justin Steve, Simone, a couple other guys.

but they put the table six feet from the fucking food, which is like a steel for us. And all of a sudden, they announced eat, and we just jumped right in the fucking line, and we ate, and we were giggling, and waitresses came over,

and she got us some strawberry lemonade. And I don't know if they were serving alcohol. Oh, yeah, they had everything. I just got a strawberry lemonade in the water. And the food was great. You know, you ever go to a party? Like, the food's perfect. Like, the coleslaw was great.

The potato salad was off the fucking chain. The brisket was the, The other steak, the other beef, that thing they had was delicious. Oh, tri-tip, yeah. The tri-tip was delicious. I didn't get any of the sausage, but I did eat some of the ribs. The ribs, the baby-back ribs. I got, like, one dish, and, you know, you can see a huge line, and I'm eating this.

And as we're eating more people coming in and we're giggling, the magician came over. I got creeped the fuck out. You know, magicians just creep me out sometimes. And this guy was a sweetheart of a guy, but he wanted me to, like, to hold my hands up. And I don't know, I just got magician anxiety. Yeah, I'd never seen that before. Both you and Steve were like, no, I don't, not feeling it. I love it.

I got a magician anxiety, and I went outside to breathe a little bit. And there was Gabe and Martine Moreno and Alfred Robles and a bunch of guys. Just told that down by the 11th. And I'm sitting there, and I'm getting this fucking different type of anxiety. I'm getting this anxiety that comes with you. But that just comes with like a age. It's the anxiety that life is going past you. You know, one day you decide what you're going to do with your life when you're 28 and you get involved.

And along the way you meet these people and all of a sudden, 20 years later, these people are making $10 million a year. You know, I saw Gabriel come on the scene. And I saw him book a room and do this and he was still working a construction job. He was living on somebody's couch, and all of a sudden, he did K-Locos, and then all of a sudden, this and that, and this is where we are, 15 years later. And I have no jealousy for the kid. But what I saw in that room last night, there was no place where you took a picture. You would go to a party now, like you would get up and go on Facebook, and there was always like a board with sponsors. Right, yeah.

There wasn't none of that. There was no Hollywood thing. He took it back to the hood. it felt like being in the hood which is really good food you know and yeah there was some industry people there but even they were taken down a notch

it was just a really beautiful thing and I'm looking at this and I'm looking at this kid Gabriel he's overweight he's no Eric fucking Estrada he's no great looking Mexican you know he's just a dynamite

warm-hearted guy that it was genuinely funny but this is the American dream. His hard work ethic is fucking amazing. Nobody gave this kid nothing. He made everything on his own. Every step along the way. And you want me to tell you what else he's doing along the way, laughing, having a great time.

They do two shows on Christmas Day. You know, years ago, they did Love It, and after the shows, they took everybody to breakfast. Really? Yeah, Denny's. He took everybody at breakfast. All 180 people at 3 in the morning We're fucking Denny's sitting down in ships. You know, this kid does things that as a comic,

you sit there and go, Jesus fucking Christ, I never thought about that. And I could never pull that off. Gabriel could pull that off. I could never pull off the Gabriel stuff. If you gave me a million dollars, I could never go to breakfast with 180 fucking people. I'd have a nervous breakdown.

Really? Yeah. Like, I could never fucking go to it until a Denny's 180 people. Like, Gabriel has just done things that it's not a genius or it's not a business mogul. It's just something that comes naturally from your heart. And I saw it last night. I saw it in the team of his managers.

I saw it with his agents. I saw it with the friends he kept around me. Mental note. There was no Latino comics there last night. From George Lopez to Willie Barsena, to Carlos Oscar, to Felipe Esparsa, no other comics. I was the only other really comedian there. Me being Spanish, had nothing to do with it. But there was a lot of younger comic, like a couple.

But there was no big-time Latin comics there. No? And that's what I thought about on the way home, how he came up so fast that a lot of people looked at him and actually looked at him as an enemy. Really? Just because he came up fast? That's so sad. And that's something people will never understand that. listening to this at home.

And it wasn't, yeah, he's caught in slack from a few comics. Couple of them Spanish, couple. And me, I've given them nothing but love since day one. You know, last week we sat here, and I told you why I had Theo Vaughan the show, and why I try to have a little Esther on the show. And why to try, you know, I put Steve Simone on and Jerry Roach and all these young comics. Because the more love I give to these comics, the more love I give to these people that listen to,

to the podcast is the better I get as a comedian and a human being. A lot of comics don't know that. Look at all your really successful comics right now. Bill Burr has a young tribe of comics that he helps and works with. Joe Rogan, Jesus Christ, I'm indebted to him, Ari, Duncan, Tom Segura. All the really great fucking comedians have put their soul out there in one way or another. And that's what I saw last night. when I was looking at all those people eating and smiling,

people chewing those ribs and people giggling, he had this Christmas sweater on. I didn't feel like I had to be anything. You follow them saying to you? Yeah, you didn't have to be on, which you have to be a lot. It wasn't being on. It was that nobody was there being something that they weren't. Okay.

And it was just a beautiful thing to watch all these people. I mean, it really felt like Christmas. This is a hard holiday in California. And you people going, oh, Joey, how hard could it be? Listen, there's no snow. The camaraderie that I grew up with in the East Coast, that little people walking down the street and shaking each other's hand and you come in the need cookie, that doesn't exist here. And it exists in some neighborhoods and some like, you know, immigrant communities, maybe in Glendale, maybe down in Little Mexico. Right, yeah.

But in this area here, you see all these people and they talk all this shit about saving whales. and doing all this shit, but it's not the same. It's not, doesn't have that home feeling, you know. Gabriel gave me that home feeling last night. I feel bad. I had a leave. I had a spot at the store, the dollar show.

We had a great time there. But it was just to see, I learned a lot last night from watching Gabriel. But we did our own little Christmas party last this week. Monday night, me you and John Bud, went over. Greg Powers sent me a fucking, I want to thank him and his wife Lynn

for sending us, gift certificate to Ruth Chris. Last Christmas, we had never used it. You know, John Bud has been our jiu-jitsu teaching. He takes a little time to spend with us, you know, and I figure if anybody deserved our little church Christmas party, it was John Bud for getting us in shape and shit. You know, we had John on the podcast.

So we had our own Christmas party. The year before, we all went to see a movie. I mean, I tried, you know what I'm saying? Right. But I think from what I saw last night, next year, we're going to have a church Christmas party somewhere. It would be great. The best part for me, it's just, A, it was just amazing to be invited to that.

Just, I was saying, because I met Gabriel's son, who when I first saw Gabriel's first special, he was talking about him being like five. Now he turned 18, which is unbelievable. But the thing about Gabriel for me is when, like, when you, most people you introduce me to are very nice to me. They're not rude, but they're, they say a couple things, and then they talk to you. Like, I could feel when I, like, said hi to Gabriel, like, I went to shake his hand and give me a hug. It was just when you're not, when you're not like a star, when you're not big enough, it feels like people will kind of overlook you. But no one there did, like, I didn't feel that at all last night. Like, I didn't feel like I was budding into a conversation or anything.

It was just, it was a great night. Nothing feels worse in your life than being overlooked out of you. For years, I would go to parties with Joe or something or go somewhere with Joe. And nobody would... You know how many times people left me in a room, and Joe would have to come back and get me and go, what the fuck happened? You know how many times? You know how many people didn't talk to me then, that talked to me now?

That wouldn't talk to me when me and Ari were opening for Joe. Right. I remember there was a story in San Francisco that Ralphie went up there in the club owner and said, Why does Joe bring Ari and loser Ari and loser Joey to the gigs of him and fucking Duncan? This guy was actually saying this shit. Nobody fucking liked this, you know? Jesus.

Being overlooked, and that's one thing that I've never wanted for you in our relationship. When I go on somewhere, I go on with you heavy. Top Dog, this is leave, bitch. Take it a leave. Like I told you last night, if I don't introduce you my name is because Lee, it's too many fucking names. I smoke too much reefer. This morning I put down Wednesday instead of Thursday.

And I wasn't even high when I woke up. I did that in the morning. Oh, with a cup of coffee. And I never have once felt like that with you or, I don't care. I don't need to be introduced to everybody, but it's just, it's, and I felt that even before I met you, when I was just working in TV, people would come in and, you know, we'd make a big deal. It's like when you go in for a meeting, the whole day before that, there's PAs, cleaning, straightening up things, getting water, ready. Mr. Diaz is coming in.

Don't look him in the eye when he caught. I got told the guy who played the doctor, the mean dog, Dr. Cox and Scrubs, he was coming in to do a voiceover for something in a place I worked. And my boss said, don't look him in the eye. And I was like, why? And he was just like, just don't do it. I was like, it just, it's weird. It really is amazing. It's disgusting to see men act that way.

But no, it wasn't even him. I guarantee. And I bet people say that when you're. coming in. Don't talk to Mr. Diaz. No, it's, it's just embarrassing. It's fucking embarrassing. You know, first of all, I was raised. Everybody puts their legs on one pants, one leg

at a time. Right. We all put our pants on one leg at the time. So, you know, Mr. Diaz is coming in, who gives a Frenchman's fuck? If I smoke's dope at 8 in the morning, I don't give a fuck about that guy. But it's, uh, I never ever wanted you to feel left out. I never wanted you to feel left out of the conversations.

Listen, I've been around a long time, and I know the people with a solid, solid from A to Z. And those are the people I want around me. And those are the people. I don't put anybody on the podcast because it makes me look better or because to show people at home,

I'm friends with them or I'm not friends with them. I put them on the podcast. I think they're solid, fuck. There's something about them that fucking makes me fucking love them even more. They're solid fucking people. And the more of those people you have around you, the better you do naturally.

You just do better naturally. Right. Because they're doing well. It's not about a job. jealousy thing, or he has or she has. And that's what this town could become for you. That's what this town could become for you. Like, I could become jealous of people?

They have this. I have to get this. You know, you have to make a statement when you drive, what car you drive. I just want to do stand-up. Right, yeah. You know, I've been getting a lot of fucking little males lately. And I'm going to clear this up. I'm happy one of this subject of getting left out. I want to congratulate Connam, McGrath.

It was a great knockout. The fight was not fixed Saturday night. It was clean. It was one man that was better than the other. But on the other side of this, you know, I've been getting little tweets or Joey, you know, how do you? I never hate it to get it. I don't have time to hate a fucking fighter. And sometimes I talk and I talk out of content.

I don't know what I'm saying. What I'm saying is I don't know how to communicate what I'm thinking. sometimes. And I think that's my biggest problem. That sometimes I say something and I'm not communicating what I'm really thinking. That's why I'm having a hard time writing this book because I could write a story. I can tell you a thousand stories, but I'm not communicating to you what I really feel. And what kind of McGregor made me feel like when he's around is being left out. You know, I saw the pictures. Conne McGregor's a great fighter and he deserves to get paid millions and millions of fucking dollars.

And Aldo was the king for a long time and this happened. I just didn't like the treatment. I know what it's like to be left out. When you're a fighter like Frankie Edgar or Clay Guida or Donald Serone or I'm just giving you guys that have been around for a while. And these guys have slept in hotel rooms with their trainers. You know, what you don't know is that the UFC has Frankie Edgar. and Frank Yeager gets like two rooms for the UFC. If he comes with six trainers, it's two guys, it's three guys in the room.

The champ gets to bed, so one of the guy has to sleep on the floor, whatever. Okay, that kind of stuff. But then you show a picture of Connor McGregor in the suite across the street in the Fratiti Hotel. Those were the things that bothered me about Connor McGregor that I thought about the other guy. I thought about how Frank Yeager felt and how Clay Gwida felt. And even though they're not champions, It's not about that. It's about a certain loyalty. Right.

You know, they did a press conference where Con, and I don't hate Irish people. Guys, if you really think I give a fuck about all this, you're so confused. There's more of life than all this shit. That's why I get on Lee about watching eight fucking football games or whatever, because I never, it's just a part of life. And someday when you guys get older, you go, what was all the fucking commotion about? Right. Well, I give a fuck.

What's the got to do with the fucking football? price of eggs I'm going to sit here and argue if it was an early stoppage of Chris Weidman and want to talk to you about it for three hours. Don't you have a fucking life? What the fuck is wrong with you? But on the other side of that, you know, Frankie Egg has been fighting for a fucking long time. If you put one guy in a hotel, you got to put another guy in that fucking hotel. It was little things like that. You know, in my heart, listen, and I didn't see this until Saturday night at the fight guys. I'm not a genius. I was not a genius. I was not.

the fight. I didn't even stay for the fights. I came home Saturday morning and watched in my living room and fucked around with you guys on Periscope. But I figured something out as the fight was starting. That Aldo was like Kennedy going into Dallas. He wasn't coming out of there alive. He didn't think so. No. Something was going to

defeat him that night. He walked in there a defeated man because all he had around them was defeat. It was like the UFC wanted him to fucking lose and all their advertisements and all their little UFC tonight whatever. And hey, they had a, you know, had a game coming out or whatever coming out.

I'm not defending nobody or putting anybody down. I'm just defending what my feelings were that people thought I hated Connor McGregor. He was a one-trick pony. No, I just thought that they were nurturing him a little bit. You know, giving Frank Yeager, he's not a good wrestler. Now they're saying he's going to fight the winner of Soroni, whatever, and then he'll fight, whatever. That gives you another year to fight, catch up to Frank Yeager. Frank Yeager is one year older.

Do you know what I'm saying? It's like the fight we always wanted to see. That's my only beef that they've, you know, I didn't like the Dennisiever move. That should have been Frankie or maybe Nick D. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Anybody but Dennisiever should have fought that fucking fight.

So in my mind, it was like he got some pressure. Listen, one thing a lot of people, and I've talked about this before was the mafia, especially the Gambinos. What happened with that? And everybody, I watch all these dumb shes. shows on TV. I'm sitting there in a hotel late night and I watch something about the mafia

and they'll talk about John Gotti. I was watching something last week about the Lucchese family and they were talking about how the guy from the Lucchese family hated John Gotti and what they did. Let me tell you what happened before John Gotti came along. A guy by the name of fucking Carmine, whatever, Gambino,

whatever died. And instead of making the guy who should have been boss, he let his brother-in-law be boss. Oh, okay. And right away, it created a friction in the family that they never recovered from. It's like... You're ready, Lee? Okay.

You ever work in an office, and there's a cute girl in the office. She's no fucking clear Patrick Jones, but she's a cute girl. Maybe a little chunky, doesn't have a boyfriend, has a cat. It's very sweet, makes cookies, gets there, gets there at fucking 7 in the fucking morning, right and stays there until seven o'clock at night she gets raises she gets treated well I ain't I she can't complain about that but all of a sudden a 22 year old chick comes into the office and has fake titty's blonde and all of a sudden this girl sits there and sees every other guy in the office get her coffee within three months she gets

promoted within six months they're all going on a dinners together she's not getting invited you know it's called being left out and it's a horrible feeling so what happens to you now is the individual. You get jaded. You get jaded against your boss. You know what? I worked here for six years. Nobody's sort of peep to be up at my ass. People bring her flowers. People go to subway and bring her back a six inch sub. And she gets promoted. The girl works. She calls in sick. She comes in with alcohol on her breath. But they accept it because she's hot. Then what happens? She either fucks the whole office or she doesn't fuck nobody. And what happens? They get the same fucking result. But this girl that's been working at the office, her asshole for years, sees this that they never gave a fuck about her.

They gave a fuck about this chick because of her pussy. They never gave a fuck that this chick, it wasn't even about the work. They never appreciated what the work was about. I'm comparing it to that. That's what I'm comparing it to. The person that feels left out. And that's why I know what it's like. I watch the press conference where he was at the press conference just saying shit to people at will.

the Cowboy Soroni and Marfereld Dosanios and Frank, I mean, he was just saying shit to people. And, you know, the fact that Dana lets him go off and not go, listen, and I know you're trying to sell fights, but you're selling the fight against Jose Aldo. Why are you talking about these guys behind you? Little things. And like I said, I have no, it's not that I don't think he's a great fighter or he can't punch or whatever the fuck. It's just I didn't like what he brought, the aspect that he brought to the UFC. Right.

That's all I'm complaining about. And it's just feeling left out like that girl at the office. Like, you know, Lee, you're a straight kid. Maybe when you went to work at these offices, you didn't say much. But also when some kid came in and he kind of gets high and everybody in office gets high. And now they go out and get high and they don't include you. It goes back to that shit. That's why they're like the aspect of being left to the side because this guy brings him more money.

And it's a horrible feeling. It's terrible. But at the end of the day, this is all about money. For some people. For some people, for some people, they look at it and they go, you know what? What can I do? But listen, at the end of the day, it's all about money. Like the hot girl that comes into the office.

And everybody flips out over. They're opening up doors for her. They give her an own office. Yeah, it's, I've been left out. Your entire life. You know what, man? I used to get upset about it. Like, I didn't go to parties in high school.

I went to a couple. I've always been a quiet guy. It takes me a while to warm up to people. Like, I'm kind of shy. And once I like you, I like you. But I'm not, like, I love Steve Simone goes into a room and hugs everybody and everyone's happy to see him. I wish, I want to be like that in some ways. And like, as a kid, like, I always wanted to go and hang out.

Every once in a while I would do it, but once it got to like middle school, high school, when your parents... I mean, I could take it to a party tomorrow where we leave that party, even though they have better food than Gabriel's. I take it to a place tomorrow night that has better food than Gabriel and people be dressed up, but you'll feel there, you'll leave there. Feeling like death. Yeah, I won't talk to anybody. This is how the conversation is. Hi, Joey. Oh, my God.

Very nice to see you. I saw you at the story the other night. That joke was always really. ravishing come give me a hug and who's this little charming fellow at lisa hi lee and what do you do i work with joy i'm a producer nice oh my god look who it is mike see you guys later pang and you'll get that 18 times you'll get no eye contact and the conversation ends when you tell them what you do because they decipher within 10 seconds if you could do something for them or not and that's the bottom line did you feel like that last nightly not once

I could take you to a better party with white people and everybody's shaking hands and telling you about gluten and how they care about the horse meat in China and what a senator is that what they do to the dogs and Hong Kong and Wales off the coast of Pacifica. I'll take you to that party tomorrow night and they'll valet your car and give you a little trinket on the way in. But I guarantee that after 10 minutes you'll feel you'll need therapy. You go, wow. Those people just look through you, and when they look at you, it's what they can get from you. How can they use you? Oh, my God. You know, it's like I watched the last hour of Michael Jackson.

He was getting drugs from 30 different doctors. Jesus. The parties he went to when he met a doctor, he would put them together because that's what they had to do. There's certain parties that people just go to, and listen, and you look at me going, joy, you're such a cynic. No, what's the square root of these parties? To be seen? For you to see what you could get out of somebody for the most. And for you to be seen with Hugo.

He's such a great designer, Hugo. You know, fuck Hugo. Hugo's fucking that little 16-year-old at the zoo. You know, he's fucking a little 16-year-old at the zoo, taking pictures of it and sending a pussy to fucking the Philippines or some shit. But meanwhile, you think he's a fucking great guy. Those are the people. I can take it to those parties late.

I can take it to a rooftop party overlooking Los Angeles and people eating gluten. in free cum quats and drinking a rare get the fuck out of it we know what i was drinking last night strawberry lemonade and i had a glass of water in one fucking hand and you had a better time and i had a better time so there's two times of parties i can take it to a party where people want to see you or a party where i remember years ago i had this goofy fucking buddy and he was telling me how him and this girl i did this horrible movie we're going to go to the con movie festival Listen, I don't, Lee, how long we've been together?

Five years. How many premieres have I gone to? Just the one. Yeah. And it was because I was in the movie. Do I go to parties? Not usual. I go to rooftop parties.

Do I go to bars to sit in VIP section and drink champagne and bottle service? Is that what I do, Lee? No. Not in a million fucking years. Do I want to do that shit at all? You know what I'm going to? I'm just embarrassed. I would be embarrassed.

But it was so funny. I'm looking at this kid while he said. telling me this and I already know that this kid is just off base completely he didn't get to go to con she went because she was the director of the phone she was calling home

for money after five days she ran out of money no she wanted to come home oh because she was mistreated so badly people don't care about your little fucking move of your con no people don't give a fuck you will you will sit there with a drink in the middle of people kissing

cheeks and shit and if they can't have any use for you, they won't even talk to you. And that's the, and I tell you, I went to two of those. I'm not going to lie to you. I probably went to two of those in my 18 years here, and that's why I don't go to them. I went to an Adam's family Christmas party after the longest yard. It was amazing. I would sit there with Lobo and Nick Tatura and Michael Irvin, and everybody else would talk to everybody else, like, you know, the wrestlers and shit like that. It was just crazy. And I felt left out, but I didn't care. I was just happy to be there. I just knew able to go there again. Do you know what I'm saying?

Right. Yeah, you don't put yourself through that. No, I wouldn't put myself through that. That's why I could, like, my wife was even in shock. I said, I can't believe you're going to, I got to go. I got to fucking go to game bills. This is what it's all about. You know what I'm saying? And he could have had one, he could have had everyone at Ruth's Chris if he wanted to. But it probably, do you think it weeded some of those people out being like, Oh, Long Beach barbecue? I'm not going to go to that.

That's, yeah, that's smart. He's always done it far to take it out of Hollywood. He's always done it, 40 minutes away, to take it out of Hollywood. That's how cool he is. I guess when they were doing it to Ha Ha Ha ha, North Hollywood, he didn't like it. Too many creepy people were going up there. But he took it out 40 minutes to take it, that whole sensation out.

He planned that. He didn't want that down there. And it was great. I was great that I went last night. Like I said, I didn't leave there because I wanted to leave. I would have smoked a joint and stayed there and did it. for a fucking hour and eating more food. That was the plan.

But the kids asked me to do a dollar show. It was the door guys put those shows together. That was a great show. It was the busiest show at the comedy store last night. Yeah, it was a busy show at the dollar fucking show. Listen, man, I have to get more involved at the comedy store. I can't go above and beyond. I can't do shit I can't do.

But if I'm out and they're out and I tell them, people hit me up all the time for the 8 o'clock show. I can't get out of the house by 8.30. I have too much action at the fucking house at 8.30. I got the kid running up at the tub. My wife getting to the next day, I can't. If you could put me up at 9.45, but those shows end. You know, so I have to do the 10.30 show, but it's not too much. It's not, they don't have too many late shows in the belly room.

I guess Red Band had the earliest show in the belly room last night. Right. And the dollar show was the 10.30 show. Listen, man, this all goes back to the Gabriel thing. I was talking to somebody maybe six years ago, the black. guy at Kung Fu Earl, the karate teacher. And we were talking about that. He goes, you have to start getting these young guys and talking to these young guys about comedy.

And I had never thought about what he was saying. And I saw it last night. Like it came full circle last night when I was standing there. Because did you see I just stood there? You sat down. You stayed sitting down. I just went out there and laid there. I laid against the stairway.

Right. I think just Martine was there. And then we all, people, the sections started moving. You came over and we all started talking and talking and we all started talking and talking. And that's why I saw it last night. I saw the full circle come that part of this is because of his hard work and, you know, his determination and his great material and stuff. But the other reason he has all the success is all the love he genuinely puts out.

He loves Martine and he loves Al Robles and he loves the other fucking guy. The bald had a guy from Texas that's really cool. Oh, Rick Gutier. Rick Gutierrez. He loves those guys. The same love that Rogan has for me on the road. You know, when Rogan's in town, he's busy, man. He's doing his thing. But when me and him are sharing a fucking green room together, oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. Even last week when I got offstage in Vegas, he came right over and put his arm around me and was telling me about a joke I had done. He loved the one you like, you know, but he was hugging me telling me how I can make that joke better.

And I went to my hotel room, like he, they went. Why not to eat that night, Joe and Jim Norton and OG Everlast and all these other guys. And I got to get back to my whole time. I didn't really want to eat that late. I don't want to get that fat. What I was really doing was taking his advice. I went back and wrote it out for like 10 minutes. Really?

And the next day I called him. I said, thank you. I wouldn't take that criticism. He didn't criticize me. He just told me how to make the joke better. Who tells you how to make a joke better? The kid that was in front of me last night. Yeah.

The kid that was talking about Bloody Marries and how people drink in the morning. When he got on stage, he walked towards me, like he had to walk up the stairs, and I cupped his waist, and I pulled him towards me. And I said, that was some funny stuff. And you should have seen his face. Oh, really? He looked at me, he goes, thank you very much, Joey. And he looked at me again, like, thank you very much. Was it Richard Pryor material?

No. But just the fact that he was killing, and he was killing up there with conviction. And you know what? I remember what those little things do. It's not the big things Like you said I could go to Ruth Chris And get 20 stakes for comics

And sure they'll love me And we'll hug and take pictures And we'll put them on Facebook That's not what it's about It's that little thing Of hugging that young comic I don't know what that comic Went through all day

I guarantee that comic I have to assume That motherfucker had a horrible day yesterday Because at that level of comedy All my days were fucking horrific Really? Yeah because I had nothing going on And all you're doing is sitting there dreaming, writing jokes, talking about, hopefully you've got a spot.

I've never seen that kid before. I've heard his name. I'm forgetting his name right now, but I've heard his name before. But we were talking how much food, especially when you're poor, is so great. That's what Gabriel did. He's like, I noticed something they put out to go boxes after the party was done last night. And there must have been young comics there who would have loved to take home some food. And then when I worked at Legal Seafoods in a movie theater,

at the same time, I would bring clam chatter all the time. Because when you're working in a movie theater, you're making eight bucks an hour, and people would devour it. It's just like the little things make a huge difference. And it's amazing that Gabriel brings Martine on the road for so long. I've never seen Martine. I'm sure he's a great comic. But at the level Gabriel's at, he could have literally almost any comic open up for him. And he still brings his friend after, I don't know how many years they've been on the road.

Okay, so he's got. Gabriel's got Martine Rick Gutierrez and Alfred Robles that's three mouths and he pays him generously He's got a manager

An agent A publicist You know a law team A whole agency behind But did you meet Ivan I don't think so He came over to me with a beard and glasses Oh then maybe I did

He came over and he said a law Ivan Is one of the best You're not here. Ivan's just one of those kids that we all hung out with 16 years ago at wild, wild tortillas or wild coyotes on Wednesday nights. Wild coyotes was a bar in Montebello, Montobello next to Montabello there by the hospital. And it was owned by the cartel. And they would change names every eight months.

And it used to be tortillas, wild coyotes. And they went back to wild coyotes, tortillas. And Wednesday nights, if you went there, you basically picked up $40 in a burrito. And sometimes you went there at 10 and you stayed till 1. And sometimes you went there at 10 and you got out there at 10.30. You never knew because you never knew how much time the host is going to do. Right.

But all of us went through that place on Wednesday nights. That was my first $40 pickup. And then I'd stop somewhere else at 930, pick up 40. Now I got 80, right? And a burrito. And then I go to the comedy store at 80 bucks. And I get my grandma Coke and I go to the bar and have a couple cocktails and nobody would know nothing. Do you understand me?

That's how I made a living. Meanwhile, I was getting better at comedy because I was going out every fucking night to all those places. But the main one on Wednesday was Wild Coyotes, Casa Latina, and all those guys went through that. And you would go every week? Every fucking week. That was, when I wasn't on the road, okay, Mondays, Mondays, when I first got here, like Tommy Easter level.

Right. Tommy Easter level. Mondays, it was the laugh factory for the Spanish show. Okay. Universal City. They used to do Mondays, Universal City, and you picked up 25 to 40 bucks up there and Mexican food, like a little bowl of chicken

or a drink or something, a drink coupon. I forget what the name is. It's right across from John. Love it's before it was John Lovitz. Oh, okay. So you went to the Laugh Factory, did your spot, shot up there, did the 10 o'clock spot, and then I would shoot to the store and do an 1145 spot, and I would close out the store until 2 o'clock.

Tuesdays was Black Knight at the Comedy Store, so you avoided it if you could at all cost, because it was too jam-packed. You couldn't park. So you would call in from Monday through Monday and then Tuesday off and then Wednesday through Sunday at the store. So Tuesday nights I would go to either there was something.

They used to have something off to 605. Okay. And I would go there and pick up 40 bucks and then there was another room by

Taco, King Taco. Yeah. And that was like 60 bucks. It was like a little jazz bar. And we'd go there and then I'd go to the comedy store. It always ended at the comedy store.

So I always try to do three spots a day. Wednesday is we had a full fucking house. Wednesday you got Casa a motherfuckeran Latina. You had wild coyotes. Jeff Garcia would have a room in fucking West Covina.

And then you had the comedy store. Thursday nights, you had the fucking contest down in Redondo Beach. Oh, my God. So we go all the way to Redondo Beach. 7.30, it started. So you had a driving traffic like a motherfucker, a Redondo Beach. $100 winner.

Down the way up, you stopped one of Rudy Moreno's rooms. On Thursday night, he used to have the Irish pub in front of the street. strip club in front of like I forget what the neighborhood that town is it's like it's a whole block strip club like what's that thing 52 ugly ones and one pretty one oh right right it's that chain but they would have the whole block and in front of it that little irish bar on the corner and one of my first dates with terry i went in there had no money it was a fifty dollar rudy oh thursday nights was the commerce casino oh rudy morano so rudy i knew rudy had something but I think Tuesday nights he had the Irish house

And when I went down there One of our first dates with Terry And I was on stage Rock and Roan talking about Blow And while I was on stage Some guy threw his wallet at me Why? I don't know

And when I got on stage There was a little door there And I opened it up And I took a lot of doing And gave it to the guy And put the hundred in my pocket He said, thanks man And I ran out of there

With Terry and went and bought fucking Blow For me, not for my wife But I was out Three nights or three spots a week How many miles do you think You were putting on your car a year back then? First off, I didn't have a new car. I had a fucking thing that was a nightmare from debt.

Right. And I would just drive that motherfucker. No brakes, no registration, no insurance. That's it. I just took my chance until it got towed. And that's when, hence the story, my apartment got told because I lived in my car. Right. But you were driving, like, people who don't know, just in the Laugh Factory to, you

Universal City, it's probably like what, a 30, 40 minute drive? No. If traffic, going from suns? No, days it wasn't that traffic. Oh, okay. At night. I could be up in Universal City in 25 fucking minutes. So my spot would be at 8.25, and I wouldn't have to be up there until 9.30, 10.

Okay. So I would have tons of time. But you have tons of time, but it's still, it's still like, what, 20 miles? And then you have to go back for the comedy store? I'd have to go back to the comedy store later on that night. Yeah, no. It's commitment. It's fucking driving.

You've got to put your soul into it. And once you get in the rotation that you learn, and Sunday nights, Sunday nights, Hollywood used to do a bunch of counties. Like the Ivar bar and what's the bar we go for chicken wings? Over here in the North Hollywood, right here. Oh, the Magnolia one? Right here, that chicken wing on fucking Lancasham with a sports bar.

Oh, Big Wings. Big Wangs. They used to be Big Wangs in Hollywood on Coelanga, and they did stand-up on Sundays. Uh-huh. So we'd go there, we'd go to the Ivar bar, and then I'd go host at the Comedy Store and do the 10 o'clock hosting. How much could you do this before you were getting paid for comedy? Like when you were just doing open mic?

I was getting paid then. Well, no, I know up here you were, but like, if you're not making anything and then you have to pay for gas, that's like, I don't know how people would do it. What do you mean? Like when you, let's say you started in L.A., right? And you were doing open mics, you're not getting paid for. Sometimes you have to pay to get on. Right. If you have to drive all of these places and pay for gas, how can people survive?

You got to get a fucking job. You got to hustle. Gas was the least of my fucking worries. It was getting on fucking stage. Yeah. Yeah, you'll get gas. Lee, give me $2. $2?

That's it. Give me $2. I'll make it work because $2 will get me to the destination when I get to $40. What I need to hit you up for $20 for? Just give me two, though. Give me $2 to get me that. People give you $2. Yeah.

People will give you two bucks to supply your fucking dream any day of the week. You come to me and say, you need $3 per a gallon of gas to drive to a gig. I'll give you the fucking $5 because I've been there. You just want to get there. And then once you get that, I used to drive like that to contests. And then you'd have to win or else you couldn't get home? Yeah. I'd have to win.

When I was in Seattle, it was a contest in Tacoma every Monday, run by some chick that's still doing comedy there. And on Monday nights, if you won, you picked up 100 bucks and you come back the following week and hosted and picked up 100. So I would take a week off and keep going back there, dog. Really? I think I lost one time. I can go back there and fight for my fucking $100. Jesus.

It's a lot of commitment, especially when you're broke. Because that's easy. That's the backbreaker. It's easy to have commitment when you have money. That's the backbreaker. It's easy to have commitment when you have money, but you don't have the same fire. Right. The fire you have, when I know, wait a second.

If I, listen, there was time. I think, wasn't he saying it? He would eat the cherries and the peanuts from the comedy store. Probably. Last night, they didn't fucking Steve Simone say that in the car. Oh, maybe. Last night. You know, when you read Kennison's book, him and Carl LeBow used to eat all the fruit at the comedy store from the fucking bar.

Yeah. You know, listen, man, when you want to do something, this is how you do. This is why I know when somebody comes to me and they go, man, I've been doing everything. the world. Nothing's going on. Where do you go at night? I, I, I, I, I, I can't tell me, because I know, I know the eyes, I know the eyes, I know the savage, right, I know the fucking commitment it takes.

I know what you're feeling when you wake up in the morning, your heart's beating and you're frustrated, and you got three fucking cigarettes left. And it's nine o'clock in the fucking morning. You got a dollar and a half of fucking breakfast. You know, and you got to figure it out, man. You got to figure it out. How am I going to make this work today?

You got to stop at Josh Wool's house. and get an English muffin just to hold you over and hope that he left a dollar on the table for one of the kids, and you clip that. And then I'd go over to the gas station, and I talk to Avi for a while. And he'd go outside the pump gas, and I'd steal a pack of cigarettes. Then I go to the comedy store and take a shower. And while I was at the comedy store, I'd drink sodas and shit. And then somebody come in and go, hey, man, I got a half a sandwich.

You want him? Bam! I got some nourishment. Now I can fucking do some creativity. Now I can go make some money. And I'd go back to Ralphie's house and get on his phone and call a couple clubs or, talk to Ralphie about a Lee or something and that's it all fucking works out

and then some days you have pick up 50 bucks and all of a sudden you bump into Mike Ricker and he's telling you how he needs money for a sandwich so you fucking hook him up and it's an ongoing thing man and I don't come up to you six weeks from now and go hey Lee fuck you man

what about the time I gave you $2 no don't give me the money that if you're going to call me out of it don't give it to me dog you gave it to me and that was it's air it's a brotherhood it's a it's a price you pay to do what we want to do when you're putting money into the universe you know sometimes people think that you put all this effort into something sometimes it's like the other day I went to a meeting and the guy goes

well with you acting I go when I come home the first thing I do when I come back from an audition is I walk in my room there's a stack of thank you cards under the computer I take it out I look at the address of the casting director or I look it up because sometimes just where you went to read is not her address.

You just went to read this. She just hired that. Right. So she's got an office. You fucking type it in. You say, thank you for seeing me. Much love, stay black, Joey Dias. Between you and I right now is men.

You know what the chances are of her seeing that postcard? One in 10 something? 10%. Yeah. I know this going in. But I'm sending it because I'm putting the work on to the universe. I did that. I did that.

You put the work on to the fucking universe. the universe takes notes trust me what I'm telling you man I don't care how fucking bad you fear and you're thinking you're not making stride the universe is taking notes the problem is we don't have the patience to outweigh the universe's

rewards right because it never comes as fast as you want it so what do we do we stop putting effort into the thing we love and depending on some stupid job to pay the bills knowing and I see this every day that if they put 110% into that losing battle,

you give me 60 days of sweating tears, and I guarantee you'll eke out of living. What does eke out of living mean? Eek out of living means that you will pay your rent, you will pay your car payment, it will cover a little weed, you'll pay your school loans, and you'll sustain. I'm not talking about putting money in the bank.

I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I didn't say about you saving thousands. not going to happen. I'm talking about eking out of living and looking at yourself in the mirror and going, Jesus Christ, I'm doing this on my own. Now, the smarter guy goes, I don't know how much long I could do this. The genius says, if I eked out this much with this much, how much can I eke out if I put this much in? That's when your time becomes much more valuable. Yeah. That's when you go, oh, I heard a fucking interesting expression one time.

If I put all the effort I did into copying a gram of blow into something positive, what would the result be? Yeah? It would take me eight fucking hours to cop a gram or blow. Really? Because I'd be sitting there. Who can I borrow $20? Lee. Lee, let me borrow $20.

Now I got $20. When I come to the office, Lee, what's that fucking thing? It doesn't work, Joey, if you want it. Fuck it. I take that stand to the fucking... Porn shop, I get 15 for it. I just made $35. Then I go home and now I got $35 and I've already

coped to cope. But now in an hour, my sister gets home and she'll give me $20 that she owes me for gas. You know how much commitment I could do in that hour? Nothing. I'm just thinking about my sister. So in those five hours, I waited for those $50, I could have wrote 10 fucking jokes. Yeah.

And it's that first eking living that you get that. You go, I don't know. I'm just eking. But you're like, you're not thinking. about the positive side that wait a second you were getting up three months ago driving and putting up with shit you're doing this on your own right now we're on to something we could double this how much effort if am i putting in now i'm putting in 55 hours a week wait a second if i work and get a part-time job making 10 bucks an hour at 15 hours

i could at least make a hundred fifty dollars but i gotta go to work somewhere what if i take 55 hours of work and I had instead of 15 I had 10 more of work to this thing let's see what happens and you'll get the money you were going for the 15 hours and now you're like wait a second I'm eking out 1,500 a month from this job of doing stand-up and now you're halfway there once you're eking out 1,500 a month from doing stand-up you're halfway that even if you're doing graphic design or if you're painting houses you're halfway You're covering your nut. You're paying rent, but you're doing what you want to do, and you're not taking fucking orders.

How exciting was it for you the first time you paid your rent with comedy money? Took me about eight years. I'm not here to lie. Eight years? With just comedy money. Yeah. Not stealing, not bringing back a receipt from a toaster the first time. And I'm worrying for you if I tell you eight years.

How many years do you think it was? I was sharing rents. I was barely making rents. I was living on floors. I was living in cars. I was living on buses. I'm not going to lie to nobody and tell you it was fucking glamorous. That wouldn't do anybody any fucking good.

But something made me believe, Lee. Is that you and me? What? The phone. Should I stab you now later? Just keys easy. Something makes you wake up and go, well, I'm going to stick this out one more fucking week. Especially when I came here.

When I came here, it was a nightmare because I kept saying, I could be in, I could be in fucking, in Colorado working at the sports betting business. Right. By this time, I would have been making $7,000, $8,000 a week. Meanwhile, I'm out here. Living on Ruffy's floor, you know, arguing with my ex-girlfriend. It was horrible. It was horrible.

But I just had something in my heart. Something kept bothering me. That was. Yeah. It's, um, I, like, I, like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, just said is how the last year or two of my life, not to an extent, I'm not going broke or anything, but it's amazing for me, and for you, I would imagine, I just didn't, I didn't want to give up. I put so much work into this that for me to even consider not doing it, and maybe just too much

pride. Maybe, I mean, that could be a downfall. But I would never want to put all those work into something and then just go, like, you would never, if you got an offer to make, I don't know, a million dollars being a sports betting service, I don't think you do it right now. No, I wouldn't. I put too much interest. I'd listen, and don't get me wrong. In 2009, I was not going to quit the business. I was going to quit an aspect of this business. Right. I wanted to turn it around. I wanted to get a day job, or at least I thought that. Because that's a fantastic dream for a guy like me is going back to sell cars, is doing something like this at this point.

Why? I don't know. For some reason, I have this stupid belief that, you know. But what was the subject? About not giving up. You can't. Right. You can't.

You can't. My knee is killing me. My knee is killing me. Do you know that? I can't even walk straight anymore. Jesus. I tore the cartilage. I tore everything that motherfucker.

But I got a jiu-jitsu eyes for three or four more months. I'm up to like three, five-minute rolls right now. If I could get six rolls in in three months and start doing those six times, five minutes, I'll go down to two fucking 60 in no time. I'll go down to 260 in no time. I want it before I go back to surgery and get out of shape again and have to start all over again. Oh, geez. You follow I'm saying to you?

Yeah. Sometimes we put so much effort in now. You've got to stick around and wait for the fucking miracle to happen. And that's exactly what you could do it. And it would help your knee, but it would set you back. And you're like, oh, fuck it. I'm going to hurt. It's going to hurt me for a little bit, but it's worth it.

It's worth it. I want to go in there with stronger legs from the kettlebells. I want to go in there. You know what I'm saying? So the knee surgery is a lot easier. I'm not feeling bone on bone yet. I'm not dying. I'm not living on a leave.

I'm not living on pain kills. It's not that type of pain. I'm not going to lie to anybody. It's just uncomfortable when I drive in my leg twists and shit like that. stuff like that. Let me give some shout out of you. Okay. To my girl, uh,

holy shit. Kamilita 69J, Danny Rodriguez, Dave Drancel. My man, the Australian warrior, Andrew Burns, Dante Gazzini,

always sending a fucking letter. I love you, solo, Polo, Derek, and Tom Owens. I love you, cocksuckers.

And, uh, But that's it. You know, I just want to talk to these people a little bit and just get it out there a little bit. But I just saw all the hard work he had put in last night and inspired me, man. It really inspired me. It took me to a different level that it's not about money. It's not about giving back sometimes, you know, and not so everybody knows.

Gabe just served food last night and he hugged everybody. And that's a big gift for a lot of people. Yeah. That's a big gift for a lot of people, man. that a lot of you, I told, I think I reached over and I said something to Simone. I go, how many comics do you really see doing this? So it just fucked with me last night. That's why I'm talking about on the podcast because it fucked with me.

And I wish I could be, I could do that. And I know the more I do it, the better I'll become. And it's funny. D.L. Hughley was on Periscope the other night at his Christmas party, and he was periscoping it. And there were people there and a DJ and all that stuff. I follow Gabriel on almost everything, I think. I didn't see one picture, one mention about it. Not I had a great time at my Christmas party.

Nothing. Nobody needs to know nothing. Real motherfuckers moving silence and shit. So you're taking mom up to the cabin of dick, aren't you? Hell yeah. You're ready. You got to plan that. Yeah, we're just, it's big bear.

It's like a hundred bucks a night. No, where you get in the food from? There's a couple grocery stores right up there. And there's a lot of stuff up there, but it's like a hundred bucks a night. We're going to go for like three nights. We have a whole cabin, Norsella, with a hot tub. She just finished her last final. gonna be fun. You got TV up there.

There's no TV. There might not be cell phone service. We'll find out, but they have a phone at the cabin, so we'll find out. That's perfect. Who gives a fuck? You're going up there to love and eat some stars. Hell yeah. Oh, you got, I went and got a whole big thing last night. I was I thought I was worried that they weren't going to let me buy stuff, so about like half of what I was going to buy.

But it's going to be fun. You're on your way to San Diego? That should be a lot of fun. Yeah, two fucking shows tonight. I think that boat sold out at this point. And that's it. It's over. That's my last day of the year. Then it's New Year's New Year's at Rogan. And then the Savage Dad tour starts in January

28th. Oh, the Hong Kong in. I'm also at the Hong Kong Inn. I'm also at the Hong Kong in next week. Thank you for reminding me. You're welcome. In Ventura. On Wednesday night, little Uncle Joey Christmas show and shit. Lee, you're coming? Absolutely. I'm not turning down Chinese food. I love it. I can't, I haven't, when you said spare

ribs, that's all I can think about now. So I want one, like, 18 spare ribs. 18? No, they don't have spare ribs. up that don't think. I'll find something. I'll find something. I just got called for Fred Rice and shit like that.

No, it's a holiday season. I'm starting to feel. Next week I got the baby all week. I got her all week. So I have like a limited schedule. But we'll be here at night, two nights. What do you got playing with her? Well, I told you my dilemma last night that, you know,

the big thing with my daughter is she gets all excited. And then I take her there and she goes, no, thank you. You know, like when Halloween, she kept watching a vampire. and ghosts and shit. And then I took it to some spooky house. And every time a vampire would come to and go, boo, she looked at them and go,

no thank you. We'd walk away. So now, you know, she's on this Santa fucking kick. But last year when I took it to Santa, she threw a fucking fit. We got a picture of it in our bedroom of me holding Santa,

Terry Howling and Santa looking at it like, what the fuck that I do? Mercy's like, get away, get the fuck away from me. So the last two weeks she's been on the Santa kick. So yesterday I just looked and I go, because all this terrorism shit, universal, If I was a terrorist, I'd definitely bomb universe.

When I go to a place now, I always say- Don't give them the idea. No, but when I go to a place now, I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, I would bomb this place if I fucking was a terrorist, right? Like, I went to Eddie Brabos. Did that? Did I tell you about Eddie Brab. No, you didn't.

I went to EBI 5. Fucking tremendous. Action was great. Gary Tohn and one guy, I want to congratulate Gary Tohn, and I'm winning it again. That fucking guy is the king of leg locks, one of our own Denny Procopus from San Francisco, L10 Planet lost.

I love him to death. He was the reigning champion. Harvey Vasquez lost to Gary Tonin. So it wasn't like Harvey Vosquez lost to some fucking stiff down there. And I went down there. I was having a great time. I walked in. I saw Brendan Schab and Rogan and the guy from the UFC.

Both of them were there, Ben Sanders. And another kid from the UFC, the 170, welterweight. And I sat there. And 20 minutes in, I'm like, oh, my God. I'm in the front. row if they come in with submachine guns I'm getting fucking shot first that's the first fucking thing I thought about really I got you know my jesus and I looked to the exit signs there was no exits so I would have to turn around and got shot execution fucking style without

a cigarette in my mouth so I'm like fuck this I got up and sat in the middle and I mean I was just nervous you know but I'm not taking nothing from Eddie's event these event was fucking great Eddie did a great job the screens were great the competitive was great it was a lot of high level stuff that I didn't understand Lee. Really? Yeah. At that level you can't even see it? Oh. You don't see it and it just moves so fucking fast.

And you were saying that Javier Vasquez was, even though he ended up losing, he was just calm, like he was just sitting there relaxing. I am going down to the train. I'm going down to do 4 o'clock training and I'm to do the Ontario Improv. Oh really? Yeah, because it's

it's his breathing was, to be honest all those guys. I saw Gary Tone take on two people and one time he got up he didn't break a sweat. Their breathing controls everything. But I could sit here and try to cut through corners. You know how you get that breathing like that?

Rolling for 10 years? Rolling for 10 fucking years. So it's that fucking simple. Let's get the sponsors going and we'll get the fuck out of here. Again, tonight there's a few tickets available for the late show in San Diego. 10 o'clock show. the American Comedy Company.

Next week, what is it? Wednesday night, the 23rd. I am at the Hong Kong Gardens and Ventura. Tickets are available. Call the Hong Kong Gardens and ask them. I'll put a link up tomorrow. And we want to start with some, you know, whatever you have resolutions for the new years and whatnot.

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