The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #342 - Esther Ku

Episode Date: December 21, 2015

Esther Ku, Comedian and Host of the "Ku and The Gang" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey to start your free trial today! Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Recorded live on 12/20/2015.
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Sunday night. Oh shit. You know how we do it here? Oh shit. Esther Koo. Uncle Mike. Lee Syatt. Tim Moon and Magoo.

Black people jumping up and down. Here we go. Oh shit. Shanta got big lips and handle balls. Put it on Tim like a porno star. Run back the tape in the Vizio. I'm coming, baby, like the big black. Kahuna.

Dropment. Sunday night. Esther, with the green socks. Hans. Lysayat with the blue shirt, hon. Joey Diaz with the gray sweatshirt on. Oh shit. What's going on?

Happy Monday morning to you, motherfuckers. You're getting this shit bright and early to start your week off on the right foot. Hanukkah's over. It's the holiday motherfucking season. You know what I'm saying? This is a different Jesus. What's up, Lisa? I had a great weekend, man.

Oh, Jesus Christ, though, man. You had a great weekend. I did. Other than my eye getting messed up, I had a great fucking weekend. That's the cool. You said I got to deal with. You said I got to deal with. Oh, he got pink eye on.

his right eye and he still had a great weekend. What are you normally used to catching on a weekend? A little bit of everything. No, it happened. I didn't even know until this morning. I went into a hot tub.

How old was the hot tub? Probably older than me, I guess. I don't know how old. No, it had lights. It had lights. It had, like. Lights underneath. Yeah, it had a whole little board.

It looked fine. I don't know. I told them on the phone. I was thinking. Right after I got out. And as soon as I got off the phone, I'm like, He just jinxed me.

Just like when you walked away from the blackjack table. Well, don't blame that on me. I was playing out stupidity. You're sitting there next to an old lady. She's taking it to the dry cleaners. I invested in you. How the fuck do you go in a hot tub and get a rash?

I don't know, man. What does anything happen? No, I don't get. I never got a rash. You go to John Jocks. You fucking get bronchitis. How does this happen? Bad luck in the last couple of times.

Bad luck. No, I'm telling you, we got to toughen you up. That's it. I'm going to have to fucking do so. How else can you tell me? If I can't get into a hot tub. Something. We have to run into the ocean with the fucking workers people in Long Island that they jump into these.

That's it. That's your new mission. The church is going to sponsor you next week to be your first honorary polar band jumping the water. I heard it's like 10 grand to get in. What 10 grand? That's what I heard. We know people. That's the cool.

That's the cool. What up? You sexy motherfucker. What's going on? Church of what's happening now. Oh, shit. Thank you for coming to. saying Diego the night with me and blowing up the room.

Oh, man. Thanks for bringing me. That was fun. Telling what happened with the brownie of death and shit. You were snoring back there. Oh, well, first of all. And then she got up like that happened. I loved it.

In the passenger seat and I'm in the backseat. And there's like a baby seat because you got a baby and shit. So you like are just, we're just like dry. It took fucking forever to get there. Four and a half hours. No, it didn't. Yeah. And Diagastine.

See, listen. guys, listen, in California and in life, they're going to tell you that there's all these little things. I've been going to San Diego now for 18 fucking years. You know how many times a year when you live in L.A. and you're a young comic. You go to San Diego. You go 10 times a fucking year. Every time time I pass Garnett, I get chills and miss mine. How many times I left, you know, thinking I could be the king of swing and leave to San Diego two hours before. and just barely made onto the show. And you're missing your show?

No, I never missed the show down there. But you come close. You know, you always assume those bar shows are going to run 15 minutes late. Yeah. Then there's a guest set. Then the lake is a playing. You know, there's all the heats playing. You're in Miami.

Same difference, you know. Put up a few more guest spots. Yeah. So, fucking that San Diego run, that guy used to book me every, you know, every third month. And I do the whole thing. La Jolla, Monday, there was something. Tuesday, Wednesday, there was something on the same block right next to each other. Same bookers.

So they booked Tuesday at one bar, and then you walked out of that bar on Wednesday, went to the bar next door in San Diego, and that was the other room. And they were great, packed, just great rooms, you know. But, no, that was fucking brutal. I'd never seen nothing like that in my life. That's why I don't go to fucking San Diego. That's why four and a half hours? Four and a half hours.

You're fucking crazy. I mean, that's how long it takes to get from Boston to New York. Listen, an hour and a half, and we were by the Commerce Casino. That's not a good sign. That's not a good sign. You're like, what the fuck is this? Well, thanks for driving, because that would have been horrible to drive separately like that. Yeah, no, no.

You know? So I had this, like, constant flow, like, every half of hour you would, like, turn around and give me a brownie, a cookie. Like, I was like, where the fuck are you getting all this from? You know me, dog. I had a bag for. Man, all these, like, baked goods with cannabis. Yeah. Man.

And we're so, I'm like, this is like heaven. When we went down there, we brought Star One stuff. We brought all the brownies and which their brownies are fucking the real deal. And they taste. Yeah. Like, you take their brownies and you fucking put them in the microwave for 20 seconds. You loosen them up. You get the T.

C cooking. You take a little vanilla ice cream. You dip it on that motherfucker with a little bit of ice cream. And I'll tell you what, nobody knows nothing. They're eating that thing like, this is delicious. Oh, my goodness. Where did you get there? I know.

And then you'll eat the whole goddamn bag. Oh, yeah, it's a hundred. Do you ever, like, limit yourself and just leave some at home to, like, make sure you don't like fucking trip? Listen to me. You know, I got no reason to lie to you. I just went through a week. store and I looked around that I can honestly tell you I got more edible than they do.

I got rooms filled. I got mutin-ish. I got rooms at this point. The other day I found a bag of of weed that was so fucking good in the luggage. Somebody gave it to me and I've been traveling around the world with this fucking dog right in the front bag. One time somebody gave me wax in a pen already with wax gave it to me an envelope. I didn't know what it was. I put in the fucking from compartment. I'm traveling all over the country with a wax pen with the fucking thing, which is 20 years. That's a controlled substance. That little wax.

It's not 20 years, but let's assume. No. You have to fucking assume. God damn it. With your luck, with your luck, you know what I'm saying? With all luck that they tested and it was made in Bangkok and it's fucking pure.

And now you're going to have to do 18 years. And you know, you never fucking know. You never know with that shit. You know, weed is cool. it's that vapor and all that shit where they'll look at you if they really want to break balls. If you rub somebody the wrong,

if you looked at the TSA agent the wrong way they'll jump on you. Well, it's not, the TSA agents, listen, they could do what they do. Their job is fucking tedious as fuck. And when something becomes that tedious, it makes a greater

possibility for error because you're really not paying attention. And you ever go through them and they're talking to one They're always talking to each other. They're talking and they're not paying attention. Listen, you know, TSA you look at it's really like a fucking joke. I'm going to rest in the airport when I see Marines. Like fucking real Marines from North Carolina at every fucking airport at the door with two bombs.

That's going to, you know, Alex Jones, as crazy as he was, in 2010 or something, he goes, listen, in 10 years, there's going to be TSA at the parks. He goes, trust me, it's going to be like little Cuba. Oh, God. It's going to be like little fucking Cuba. In the parks. At the parks where your kids play. There's going to be TSA at the malls. People walking around.

You know, have you been to New York lately, don't? When you cross the bridge, cross the bridge, go through the tunnel. See what you see at the fucking tunnel. They're not fucking around at the tunnel. And they're not fucking around at that bridge. Did we discuss this before? No, you didn't talk about it. They're not fucking around.

When you pull up to the Lincoln Tunnel in the morning, all the Holland Tunnel going into New York City, every gate has a dude with a mask, with body armor, with a fucking gun under his arm, strapped to the hill. Like, he's going to fucking Saigon. They got dogs.

They're right there. They stop the truck. They're looking underneath. The George Washington Bridge had the same thing. They stopped every car? When they go to pay the toll. When they go to pay the fucking toll, they're right there. They're not fucking around.

I don't have a problem with any of that. I mean, I, TSA, people get mad at because they don't really do much. I don't have a problem with TSA. Like, when I was in Israel, they have military everywhere, because they have to now. I would be totally, like, at this point, with all the crazy stuff happening, if military has to be places like that, it doesn't bother me. I know some people think it's infringing on their rights. You're white, so it wouldn't bother you. That's also true.

That's a fair point. But do Asians feel a lot of, like, get a lot of, like, hate and stuff from police? Yeah. No, if anything, they trust us too much. And we don't get, we get undersearched. You know? Like, you know how many gangster Asians are just running, like, drug rings? like prostitution rings, like, you know, gambling rings, like crazy?

Right? That's very, that's very... And they go undercover. It's really weird. In 1985, I read this book called Snowblind and it ricocheted me into another book, and it ricocheted me into another book. And guys, I can't tell you everything I read, but I read one about how the,

Chinese were putting heroin in this country through Toronto for years. They took proof to the DEA. The DA was like, those people are nicest fucking people in the world.

You know, like they've never had one at the time of this printing, this author went out of his way to say, either with that naive or that fucking smart i went with the other i went with that fucking smart i went with that fucking smart they're

they're professional all the way to the end the guys to move the heroin they still go to work every morning they live in an apartment with eight fucking other families in the same fucking apartment they all work at the restaurant together you know he's still sweating back there you know and then that night he slips out in a little fucking vokeswagon he goes to meet with these guys and they exchanged $200,000 and they got tattoos and the whole fucking deal. To move of the century was the yakuza, what they did to UCLA,

when they bought the kidneys and people died and fucking got sued. And when the two yakuzas went to their feds and said, we have tons of information worldwide, worldwide, we do business with everybody. We do major league business with everybody. We want to come in. We're sick of the yakuza.

They went into the feds. The feds said, really? What do you want to exchange? We want federal protection in the United States. But before anything, we want to get new kidneys because the ink, they're using Japan for the tattoos. Oh, no. Killed their kidneys? And their culture does not believe in replacing kidneys in Japan.

So they were like, yep. And I'll tell you what, not just me, but also my gumba. He's coming also. They came into the fucking into UCLA with a plane. They donated two mill, three. Go online and Lee, it's fucking gangster shit. They had a whole thing out of a 60 minutes gangster. They went and donated three mil here, three mill here, three mill here,

got put number one on the kidney, got two fucking kidneys. They got back on a private jet and went right back to Japan. Totally United States, sucked my dick and called me Shorty. I was born in 1940. Never came back. Big embarrassment for the United States. Wow. Big embarrassment for the United States.

That's crazy. Yeah, it happened in 08. Wow. It's the UCLA Medical Center and its most accomplished liver surgeon provided a life-saving transplant to one of Japan's most powerful gang bosses. And there were like nine people on the list. We're next. Japan went over and gave everybody like a million here.

Fuck it. You're going to die, but you got a million dollars. You got sushi, whatever you want. Come to Japan. Tattoos are on me. Fucking, he went right back. Gangster shit. Listen, man.

Mike Kessler grew up in New York City. I grew up, and I grew up going over there. And then as I got older, and they told me what it represented Chinatown. I went, Jesus Christ, all these people here. These people were so powerful. In the mid-80s, they pushed the mafia. They shrunk. Literally used to be huge.

They shrunk. fucking Italy. Old school shooting them, telling them to suck their dick, they're taking their heroin back. Yeah, because the Chinese people they're nice people. They don't bar no body. They'll karate chop. You blow a dart at you. But besides that,

they don't bother nobody these poor people. They cook. They do the whole thing. So they would give the heroin to these fucking gangsters for 50,000 a kilo, make 25,000 a kilo. These gangsters were making

400,000 a kilo cutting in half and selling that the fucking the brothers in Harlem and the Puerto Ricans in the Bronx and and they fucking became millionaires. The Chinese found out about this and said, we got to renege on this deal. And we're not going to just renege.

We've got to take these money. You can't take money out of somebody's pocket like that. You pulled your money out like that. They're going to slay us. We're going to slay that. So it started like in 83, little by little. They just kept moving up and said, listen, we're taking the heroin trade back.

Did they have guns? Oh, no, no, they went in there with karate suits and wrestled them to death. They had fucking machine guns and fucking balls of steel. You know, it's amazing. It started like an 82 when the Chinese said, fuck it. First off, we're way smarter than them. Way smarter. They just sell it for us because we have no muscle.

We bring it all the way from the fucking jungles of Burma. where there ain't no law it's every man for himself so we're bringing it all the way over here for the set price was making I don't know if it's $50,000 I'm just telling you a price but they weren't getting the cut of what was

coming from it's like you shooting Spider-Man 3 it making $200 billion and you're just getting scale for the day right or wrong you're like somebody's making fucking back the Chinese took command of that back

and you know they what they do is the Chinese I guess teamed up with gangsters in Toronto there's a family up in Toronto a popular family and they teamed up with motorcycle gangs and they were at direct length of the bananas

they had that white because that white heroin it's where it's at yeah Mexican heroin is great but that fucking white heroin that De Niro was doing and fucking once upon a time in America that's the shit right there.

That's the giddy, giddy, get, gut with a little fucking, boy, that's opium, really. I fucked up there. So is heroin a powder?

It comes like a white powder. And then you mix it and put it in a needle and then shoot up? And fucking blast it off to LalaVille. Wow. So it's fucked up how. It's weird because when

I came from Cuba on 88th Street, where I drove by a couple weeks ago, it's a complete different neighbor. Two doors down, there was a Chinese family, and they drew, the father drew for Shultz. And I was friends with the girl. I was like a boyfriend, I go, we play. I ate there. They had the candy with the paper on.

I'll never forget that, being a little kid. And then on Saturdays, he would invite 10 kids over to the screening of, you know, Disney, whatever his fucking name is. But I always talk about this. It's so weird how Bruce Lee changed everything. Once Bruce Lee came, fucking Asians were like, now what, bitches? They were walking around like pussies before? No, not pussies. They were just very, they're cultures, not a flashy culture.

Right. Except for maybe Japan. Koreans are crazy. Like your family's crazy. Right along like old school Koreans, they drink. Koreans are like the Irish of the Orient. I heard that whiskey drinking. They're like the fifth most drinking country in the world.

in the world. They don't fuck around them. Yeah. It's like drinking is a big problem for a lot. And they don't drink Zima either in Korea. They drink whiskey. They drink soju. What's soju?

I don't know. It's like sake but Korean, you know? But it's like it has a fruit taste to it. So you can get watermelon soju and get fucked up. I see what you just saying. And you don't even know because it's delicious. It's like candy. Yeah.

Now, were you born in Korea? No. Chicago. Is my English that bad? No, no, no, no, no, no. Just curious. I was born in Chicago. Chicago, okay. Was there a lot of Koreans in that neighborhood?

Yeah, my parents moved to Chicago with a bunch of other Koreans from Korea. Korea. Yeah, and they decided on Chicago for some reason. Nothing wrong with Chicago? Well, you know what? It's like the similar, it's similar weather, you know? It's cold. It gets cold in the winter.

Like a motherfucker. Like a motherfucker. And then gets hot like a motherfucker. You know, so they were kind of used to that. And maybe that was an easy transition, but yeah. And then you went to the University of Illinois, you were fighting in Linae. Yep. And that's where you started stand up or way before that?

No, after that. I started stand up after college when I was working. In Chicago. No, in Boston. And how did you end up in Boston? Because I got a job, right? And this company said, I got a sales job with a company. and they were sending out salespeople all over the country.

And they said, what city you want to live in? And I said, Boston, Atlanta, or Chicago. And they gave me Boston. And I was like, I'm going to Boston. And I went to Boston. And I had a company car. And my life was set up, like, instantaneously. And they got your apartment to give you a pedium to move in?

I found my apartment. And then I just, you know, I worked and I traveled the whole, all of New England selling Penn. So I learned the comedian lifestyle from being a traveling, you know, like being a sales rep where I have to check into a hotel. I have to, you know, learn how to get from point A to point B, even if you got to take like the backwoods of Maine. And, you know, you still know how to find yourself, you know, where you're going. Let me ask you something. It's very interesting.

You brought up the comedian lifestyle. Before you got into comedy, it kind of told you. you were getting yourself into, in other words. Yeah. Like when I thought about what I was going to do for the rest of my life, I was working on a fucking roof. All right. And everything was going around. I had a car. I had a nice place. There was no harmony in my home.

But I knew this wasn't it. You know, I was putting a little bit of money in the bank. I could have gone back to school. I had a thousand options. But I just fucking knew this wasn't it. I took a stand-up comedy class for three weeks, you know. And I thought about it. And then I talked to some people and I got on stage and I asked around. And it was just weird how it fit my lifestyle, the type of person I was.

Yeah, totally. I like to travel. Meeting random people constantly. Constantly. And just having fun. You know, being alone. Being alone. Having time to jerk off all day long.

All day long. Eating at different places. Not having a day job was key for me. Not having to wear a suit or like a pant suit. Not having to wear a uniform. You know, it's really, I love to look at the numbers of how many kids go to school thinking they're going to be like office reps. And after like five years ago, fuck you. I'm going to go sell copy machine.

Well, I could be outside and drive and shit. Fuck this job. Fuck my degree. You know, because you don't think you really overlook those things. Like sometimes, I go to Jiu-Jitza sometimes. And then Tuesdays we're going to get a kettlebell class. It's always inside. Last week I was like, fuck this.

I'm going to throw kettlebells outside. You know, out in the sun. I like being outside. I've always liked being outside. Being outside is so nice to see green and, like, have your eyes be stimulated with, You know, different kinds of trees and birds and, you know, let the birds sing to you. And, like, check out different, like, landscape options. I like all that shit.

You know, right? That's why I like selling cars because you have an office. But you have to go outside and talk to people. But you could be introverted all day long if nobody comes in. Right. You could go in between the car. And then you just, like, right in your computer all day. You could take three hits off a joint in between a car and just.

sit out there and listen to the birds chirp and listen to the cars go by and listen to kids speak and yell and listen to it's nice just to shut the fuck up and just listen to the noises and the surroundings around you sometimes but weed picks it up even more it makes it more sensitive totally it's like what happens to a cat after midnight they become more fucking you know they get all fucked and crazy and shit like they get all fucked up do they get what do they get like. Their levels of hunting come out because they're on the bra. They're nocturnal.

They're not really nocturnal, but what's that expression? The freaks come out at night. That's all cats. Cats at about midnight, 1 o'clock. That's why you always hear cats fucking outside your window. And they're in heat. About 1.30 cats come to life. Cats come to life.

Right? Well, this is what happened. The cat's dick. the male dick has a hook on it where a lot of people don't know so when he has sex with the female cat when he pulls backwards he's scraping her insides

they're like little knives on his dick and it scrapes the insides to make room for his sperm so she has old sperm laying around like I have a cat's superbed super bad and the two sisters came from the same mother but a different father but from the same litter because she had sex

with two different cats in the yard. And Superbad, Lulu, and Evie are all brother and sisters, but you can't tell because Superbad is black and white, but Evie and Lulu are Siamese because she was having sex with two different cats. So that's why when a cat pulls his dick out, they go, because it's really ripping them apart. Oh, God. And then they fucking put it in and then rip it.

Is a cat penis thorny? It's like, I mean, I've never given my cat a hand job. I imagine it. It's like one of those things when you got to clean out like the faucet in your bathtub and you need to clean out all the hair. Yeah, it's something that pulls it back. When you pull it out, you know, it doesn't pull out just smoothly. You got to, you know, you got to pull it out and yank it out.

It's something like that. Yeah. It's fucked up. Fuck. Cats come harder than humans, it seems like. But no, it's just the way they do. I don't know why, you know. I watched her have like four or five litters in my backyard.

So I was really, at the time, I was just fucking lost. So I really got involved in it. And I really watched how she treated her cats, how the fucking father would kill the kittens. Because the quicker he would kill the kittens is the quicker he could fuck her again. Because she would stop making milk. Oh, my God. So he would kill the fucking kittens.

Some mornings I'd wake up and they'd be two dead kittens. Oh, how sad. Yeah, because this cat was fucking crazy. The samurai was crazy. So, and he wouldn't even take food for you. What do you do with these little dead kittens? You pick them up, you bury them, and you say a prayer. I mean, they're tiny, right?

Fucking tiny. But he was fucking, okay, let's say he would fuck the regular cat, Mama. and for some reason Mama would have six kittens and three of them would live and two of them would live in the yard and let's say one of them was a female he'd come back and have sex with his daughter

and then she'd have six kittens and then he'd come back and just keep having sex with all those kittens I have tons of generations of those cats like that backyard had six or seven generations of those cats because he kept fucking his own daughters

and having kids He was a neighborhood cat that lived outside that was like an eight or nine. You know what the life expectancy of a cat who lives outside is? Look it up, Lee. It's not long. Four? Not even. Really?

Three years, maybe two tops, maybe, something like that. So for a cat to mature outside, like people who lived in the building were like, that motherfucker was mean when he was a kitten. Somebody left him here when he was a kitten. And they just kept getting his head because less than two years. Yeah. So for him to be eight and his head was huge from the testosterone, nobody ever got him neutered.

He wouldn't fall for that shit. He was too. There was a lady in Hollywood that was part of a program that would leave. Did he talk? That would meow and fuck with you. He did what a sign me is dead. From time to time, he would loosen up and fuck with you on the roof. You'd see him on the roof stretching, getting signed.

making noises, but he was a fucking primitive. Like, for example, he saw Superbad's dab in a tree. You know, like it had nothing to do with him. But he could have just kept walking. He looked up, I was in my bathroom, and I heard something. I opened the window and I look outside and I see fucking Dimmie and Harry's dad fucking with his tail. It looked like a pole.

Like he looked like he had been harpooned by a stick. I didn't know, and he was walking weird, and I didn't know what he was looking at. So I didn't know if somebody had shot him with something. It was the weirdest moment ever. And then I see him run up a fucking fence like a monkey. He jumps on the roof, and he goes from one under the roof to the other pacing.

And I see what he was looking. He was looking at Superbad's dad, my cat's dad. That was just on a tree not bothering nobody. Harry's, though. No, Superbad's dead. That's black and white. Oh, okay. And he looked at Superbad's dad, and he was fucking going back and forth, and finally he walked 50 yards and jumped up a tree in a garage just to get at Superbad's dad.

I saw him. And fight him? Dog, they fought on the tree to almost the death. Did you videotape it? No, I wasn't that hip at the time. Oh, man. I was scared for both of them. In my videotape, and I was scared for the boat to them.

I liked the boat to them. I didn't want them to fucking. They were on that streak, fucking going at it for like 50 seconds, and they just fell down, and you heard them, and then I lost them. And I go, fuck. And then I saw, I went outside, and I saw the father licking themselves, samurai, like just licking his wounds. He had like a stitch over his eye.

He was bleeds. He didn't give a fuck. I would go out there and leave cat food from him. He would never eat it. That's how he would spit it back and be like, fuck you. I don't eat that shit. That's what pussy's. I'm a fucking cat jack.

And he was Siamese beautiful, but his balls were black. Like he had huge black balls. He had grown so much the testosterone that he would even walk like a bull. His balls would just bounce like a bull. You don't know how many times I saw him. him we lived on Selma and Schrader and you don't know how many times I saw him chasing a cat by Highland which is four blocks away like he didn't want new male cats in his neighborhood like he and he wanted it known like I'll fucking kill you and I don't know the last time I saw him

my wife gave him how does he walk I feel like he's got like a badass walk I mean we left we left that neighbor in 2009 and we hadn't seen him about a year. And the last time my wife saw him, he had a big gash over his eye and it was infected. So she gave him like something

with an auto antibiotic in it. So the swelling would go down or something. A cream? Something. Some, whatever. And he wouldn't eat it. And that was the last time we saw him. I have a picture of him.

He's gone? Who knows? Who knows with that motherfucker? I mean, in my mind, motherfuckers like that never die. He's somewhere just getting stitched up, like Rambo or something. He's like on a farm somewhere.

Wow. But it was really an education. And now to still have those cats and to look at Superbad, Superbad is a rare motherfucker because I fed him. He was dead pretty much. He had gotten that disease where your stomach swells. up from living outside, Lyme or something like that, Lyme disease.

And my wife just brought him upstairs to die pretty much. She didn't want him to die outside. So she brought him and his brother up, and his brother died the first night. So Superbad was dead the next morning. And I'm like, I don't want another cat dying in my house. That's not going to happen. So I started feeding them oatmeal cookies. My wife had these soft and gooey oatmeal cookies.

He wouldn't eat cat food. he wouldn't drink water he was pissing on himself his legs were yellow super bad was white his legs were fucking yellow and I kept I just you know you don't fuck all I know is if I was dying

I'd want somebody to give me some fucking lobster tails and butter don't show up with a fucking slim gym and a fucking snickers bar I'll spit in your face and I'll haunt you from hell you understand me you come over you drop a fucking you drop a fucking

moototel sandwich with fucking prosciud on me with a tomato and sliced peppers. I'll fucking make sure you get laid every day from hell. I'll send postcards. I'll make sure you bump into women. I swear to God. He's dying. So I didn't know what to give him. So I went in there with oatmeal cookies. I started eating oatmeal cookies. And he went from me, a little oatmeal cookie, a little bit more, a little bit more. A little bit more. I kept going in there every hour. He kept eating. And you know what? Two days later, he was getting his two front legs were up. So I kept getting him the oatmeal cookies and a little bit of milk.

oatmeal cookies, a little bit of milk. And that motherfucker got up. You ever see those people in churches? You ever stay up to the floor? You see those retarded people's churches? They show up in church with like a fake wheelchair. They're on the floor, drooling. And the white priest comes over with a lot of white teeth,

and he hits him in the head, and he goes, and he starts speaking in tongues. Yeah, and he hits him in the head and the heel. I was sitting on my living room floor watching TV. I've seen that live. And all this, then I looked on my left, and they're super bad next to me. And he just collapses because that five steps from the bathroom to living room must have killed him. And he came up, like this cat had never, come close to me, never talked to me, never winked an eye on me. His brothers and sisters would play with me, not that motherfucker.

But for me, giving them those oatmeal cookies, he walked out to thank me. I'll never forget that he actually made it out, walked out, rubbed like his nose on my fucking. an elbow and fell down and I played with him a little more and I'm like we were like in shock we gave him some more oatmeal he didn't make it back to the bathroom I picked him up and brought him back but three days later he was walking back and forth and today eight years later I still got super bad at my house right now the point of the story is like every time I have oatmeal cookies now he still comes up with me that motherfucker yeah they had oatmeal cookies after Thanksgiving somebody gave me oatmeal cookies and I got home when that

And I go look at that oatmeal cookies. And I looked, and there he was. Can he eat a whole oatmeal cookie by himself? If I break it up into pieces, no, he gets sick. I would just break up a couple pieces. A fourth of a cookie. Yeah, and you listen to him. He goes, he really gets excited.

Like, today he was with my wife. He was 10 feet away, and I could still hear him parent. Like, he's like, out of all the cats, he gets fucking excited. Like he fucking purrs, Jag. Wow. You can hear it. He goes fucking ape shit. Was Samurai Fidel's father?

Because Fidel used to do that to me. No, Harry. Fidel's father was Harry's Superbats father. Okay, because Fidel used to do that to me, just stare at me and meow. just the entire time I was there. He just boss you around and shit. He would paint you into the corner. He paints into a fucking corn.

It's really weird. When I was a kid, a friend of mine said his cat would, he goes, don't ever yell at your cat. Have you ever got an old going to yell at your cat? Because they go into the bed and they write a note, then they get revenge when you're sleeping. That's why I never got a cat. And it's kind of true.

Well, why did you get a cat in the first place? Now you have like five of them. My wife. She's a cat. My wife had a cat, a little kitten when I met her, and I became tight with a kitten. And then they had these fucking cats in the backyard. Having a cat as a pet was new to you, though, but she was used to it. Yes.

No, no. She was used to having animals on a farm. Yeah. I don't know dick about nothing. But did you like it at first? I thought he was a pussy. Did it take some adjusting to? I thought he was a pussy.

I thought he was a little fucking pussy, Demmy, Finney. Uh-huh. At first, I used to chase him with the vacuum. I'll get the vacuum and go like that. He'd run around and run them at me, and we would just play like a game. And then he just showed a weird affection. You know, cats and dogs show you different type of affections.

A dog shows you an affection when you walk in, and they play it with you, and they throw a ball. Cats come by and they rub against your leg, and they walk away. Cats know when you really need them. Like when you're fucking time and need, they show and you don't even know it it's not till a week later you go

that motherfucker hmm like Phinney for example I get anxiety sometimes especially when I see blood and I'm not prepared for it I get anxiety

you know sometimes I bang my head you know I bent over one day and I banged my head and I thought about this what I do when I get that anxiety like one day I was in the shower shaving and I cut myself and that hot water hit it. And I looked at it two minutes later

and my whole head was covered with blood and I went into a panic mode. Oh my God. So I ran outside. I fucking ran out there naked. I just sat by the chair by the air conditioner. I put the air conditioner down to 60. And I just sat there and breathed out of my nose

and I started seeing spots and shit, you know, before you faint. And the middle of all this, Finney jumps on me while I'm naked. And when he lands to show me he loves me, he puts his claws out. You know how they just put their claws out?

They purr and they put their claws out. Listen, and I don't have to lie to anybody in this room. It just wasn't my cat. I would have punched this fucking cat right off my fucking hip. Can understand me? Michael Vick style. I would have punched this cat that this cat would have flown across the fucking room. Do you understand me?

You have no idea of this to be fainting and for a cat to land on you naked. And one of his claws is in your leg. And all of a sudden he starts to drop his claws in deep. But the reason that I loved this motherfucker, I just kept saying, Finney, get off me. Finney get off me. Finney get off me.

Finney, get off me. Finney. And finally, I would just hold him and pat him. He would stop clawing me. But guess what? I didn't faint. He kept you from fainting. You understand? He saved your life.

So then he did it again. Oh, my God. He did it again one time. Like, I got food poisoning. And I went in the couch and sat there. I'm like, And all of a sudden, there he is. I had jeans on.

And this time he put two claws and pulled himself up. Which that shit drives me crazy. I will choke that motherfucker. And again, I'm like, God damn it, Fannie again. If it was anybody else's cat, I would have left hook that fuck motherfucker. But I love this cat so much. So I'm like, God damn, Phidney. God damn it.

God damn that whole God damn it. God damn it, you mother. And then I would just, I'm sorry, I yelled at you. And then that whole process, I'm giving him a kiss. And I realized I didn't faint. You know what I'm saying? Then you saved your life. Not that he saved my life, but for the moment, he was there for me.

He filled that void. Yeah. Because if you faint, that's almost like getting a concussion. Yeah. It feels like it, right? It's fucking horrible. Yeah. So you don't want to, like, not remember shit in your life.

I ate some edible before I came up, and I ran up the stairs real fast. And when I came in here at first, I lost my breath. And it kicks the anxiety in. Oh, my God, I thought I was going to pass out. Just now? Just before you came, 10 minutes before you came. Oh, my God. Are you okay now?

Yeah. Don't you see? I'm breathing. I'm having a good time. I'm telling cat stories. I'm in my fucking heaven. You know what I'm saying? That's the fucking cool in the house and shit.

Esther cool don't fuck around. She took that stage in San Diego the other night. All jokes aside. And fuck them. Fuck them up whether it was, and she was stoned as fuck. Let me tell how stone she was. She broke her fucking thumb. Charlie, take my house.

She broke her pinky, same difference. Pinky thumb. This is what you consider a thumb. No, I'm sorry. I just look at it. Man. So how long have you been doing comedy altogether now? About 12 years now?

And how long were you on the show with Nick Cannon? Did you do one episode? I did one season. What did you think? Oh, man, I thought that was the greatest. What episode? What year did you do? I did season six, I think.

Okay. And what are they up to now? Seven, in between seven and eight. Oh, that's what they're up to now? I think so, yeah. I don't know. I thought they were up to like season 13. I watch it when I'm on the road.

I know like Spanky and, you know. Spanky Hayes. A couple of guys on the show, so I'd watch it for a little while. You know, I remember when I first got here, Nick Cannon would do comedy. And he would show up there with his mom. And he'd have to stand outside the comedy club until he was up. When he was, like, 18? Yeah, not even 16, 15.

Yeah. And he would have to sit outside the comedy club. They'd come out and get him and go, Nick, you ready? Yeah, and he would run in. He couldn't be in the club because they sold alcohol. And his mom was outside? His mom was outside. It was dad.

It was guardian. I forget it who it was. Nice people, you know, a long, long time ago. Church people. Yeah, he was always a very, very nice. kid, you know. Yeah. And then you did, what's the other one?

The Girl Code. Girl Code. What the fuck is the Girl Code? Because you're like the third girl that I've met that's on the show. Tell me what it is. It's like a talking head show for teenagers, you know. Okay. And it's like they put cartoons to our stories.

And we tell stories, you know, talking about like they'll do like a topic, you know, like texting, sexting and, you know, Valentine's Day or something, you know. And then all these comedians will riff off these topics. Right. But it's it's geared towards females and it's all female comedians on the show or it's all about the female perspective, you know? So we like wrote all of our own material. You know what I mean? Everything that we said was just our original thoughts on camera, you know? So it was kind of like we all is a very female writery show. You know what I mean? Right. Now, do you get a lot of office to play TV and movie rules? I have gone on auditions, yeah It's just interesting I think that they would do well

Because you're what they look for More than You know what I'm saying You have great looks Plus you're you were born and raised here But you could play the other hand too You could show up with miso hon No one time I was an extra in one of those cop shows in New York

And I was a waitress at a Chinese restaurant And I didn't have any lines, I'm just bringing takeout food, you know, to a customer, whatever. And when I watch it back, they dub Chinese over my image, you know? But they didn't like have me say it because I don't know Chinese, first of all, and second of all, they'd have to pay me. So they just got somebody to read some Chinese. How dirty is that?

That's hysterical. Yeah. It's just, what is, do you follow Margaret Cho on Twitter? I do. Okay. What is Asian face? What is... What the fuck is she talking about today?

What is Asian face? I don't know. I'm asking somebody who's Korean just in case. She said the statement was, fuck Asian face. I'm sick of Asian face. Let Hollywood pick the right roles for Asians or some shit. You know.

Oh, did somebody do Asian face and they're white on a TV show or something? I don't know. Because there's blackface, you know? What happened, Lisa? I don't know. I'm just looking right now. I'm not sure. Listen, man, I tell you, who's a bad motherfucker actor.

Has anybody seen that movie focus with Will Smith? No, is it good? Listen, what's the psychiatrist? Remember the gay psychiatrist and SVU? Like that they go to him all the time with questions, and he's very gay, and he's an Asian guy. I don't know if he's Korean, or Japanese, or Chinese, I don't know, whatever the fuck he is. if you haven't seen the movie focus you have to see his scene

there's three brilliant performances I've watched the last couple weeks is focus that guy in that scene the Brazilian and Narcos in episode you know whatever to 9 he's brilliant if he was English and Australian

they'd be sucking his dick what this fucking scene oh I saw Carlino's Way last week one night and Will Vigo Morgensen a Puerto Rican in a wheelchair? Are you fucking, have you ever seen that?

No. Haley. Which I type in Viggo. Type in Carlito's Way Vigo Morton's. You ever see this? stuff? And then he says a word. He says get on pase. For somebody to coach you to say,

Get a pace. Even fucking... Even fucking Tony Montana didn't say that in fucking Scarface. That's the way Cubans and Puerto Ricans talk in those days. It wasn't called anything else but um pase. Get um pase. That's what a bump is called. Get um pase.

That's it. Get um pase. Get a parson means you want a bump. Oh, a bump a bump a bump a bump. Get it? A pass. Get a impasse. Get a um pass.

Just like that. Yeah, Lee hit it. What's going on? I got no signal. I'm over here like patients on a mind. You're in here. Lee's all fucked up today. I know my brother Lee when he's fucked up.

He's not fucked up in the T.HC. This rash is fucking him up. He's all fucked up. I told him just. He's my dog, though. Put eye shadow on the other eye and nobody will ever think something is weird. He's all little bodice. to understand shit happens no most of you what get in passe get a little

get a way Jesus Christ look at this fucking guy yeah like I told you he's all crazy though get on pass but it's very the way it's said is the whole thing because bossy has to be low because you can't get that much attention right so the way you get in passing you got to all for that. Get a pacha. You want a pase-a-a- and then if you really

want to simplify it, you quote a pase-cito. A pase-it- give a- pass-a-old, my amor. There you go. My labios in

Fuego for you. There you go, see. Which one? Which one is it? Which one is it? Keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one.

Come on. Fucking diapers, man. I got fucking diapers. I shoot my pants every day. I can't walk. I can't home. You know? Go ahead and kill me, you cuck, sucker.

I got to find the other one before that. Just pressing Vigo Mortensen, Carlito's way, and wants this motherfucker take it to the next level and shit. Hopefully they'll have it from the beginning. He plays a port. That's the only. slip he has is when he plays the fucking he slips right there keep going scrolling see what they got maybe they don't have it what are you going to do with that lilo whatever keep going

back upstairs up there you go let's see maybe not maybe you're going to take us to fucking germany and show us some fucking what the fuck is this shit what the fuck is this shit what the fuck is this shit what is this leah he is fucking me up leet You're slipping. What is this shit? I'm going to walk. I'm home. What is this shit?

Techno fucking Pacino. I think Lee necessita a pass. Lee necessit a pass. No. Oh, those. There's got to be there. There's got to be somewhere there. Keep going.

Keep going. You got to see it. You don't see it? No, it's not there. They fucking took it out these cucksuckers. God damn. But he's fucking great in that. Jesus.

But how was the house was Smith in focus? It's not Will Smith. It's the Asian guy Oh, okay the Asian guy Fucking fuck will smith plays like a scammer and he goes into a press box like a box like a one of those boxes with people high-level people And this is fucking Let's just say he's a Chinese fucking gangster and he's in there. He's gamut. I'll guarantee you the guy who does this and he would beat him and they kept escalating the bet and all of a sudden Will Smith

goes, let's do this for $3 million or something. And the guy goes, fuck it. And he has sympathy for the devil and this fucking guy takes it to the next level of acting. I mean, you sit there and go, Jesus Christ, he's badass. And then he throws Will Smith out of his box

after he beats Will Smith or whatever. I mean, it's just fucking tremendous. It's one. Which is all you need in the movies You're gonna fuck him up really hard He went in there and fucked them up really hard man You forgot Will Smith was in the fucking movie for three minutes You're like God damn this guy plays a gangster

Damn Damn What's up my little fucking angel of death We met on the set of Doug Benson Doug Benson smoking some fucking refrin I gotta go back on there I feel bad because they're good guys But it's always Monday or Tuesday

They early and I'm busy and I'm running around and we try, but I told them I do it once they go back in January. I'm definitely going to go on there. Yeah, you're definitely a fan favorite. Eat some animals. I like it on the show. Doug's a good guy. It's a fun time. That's what we're looking for.

A studio we could smoke pot and light ourselves on fire and leave him and get a fucking rash and shit. Let's hope not. What's up, dog? You're all broken over there? No, I'm good. I'm having, I'm. You haven't. You haven't.

You want to send me. That's good. No, you didn't have no. 600. I always have no. We'll give you a $1.25. No, I'm good, man. Wait, which one did I eat?

You weighed half of a $200. Half? There's 200 milligrams in it? The purple ones are 200. What? In one star? Yep, the regular one's a $1. Jesus Christ, I'm like...

So nothing happens. You might as well eat the other half. What the fuck are you complaining about? You already pushed the envelope. You might as well go deep and shit. Damn. That's a lot. So who cares?

It's Sunday night. What do you got to do, ma? Monday, December 21st, four shoplifting days left. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as far as I. So what are you thinking? Talk to me. Great song. What are you thinking, man?

What's going on in your world right now? You're going back to Miami tomorrow? I'm going back to Miami tomorrow. How long? How long did you stay in Miami for now? Well, I think of maybe a week or something. And then where do you go? And then back to New York and stuff.

So you keep yourself pretty fucking busy with this comedy shit. Yeah, I travel a lot. You're always on the movie. You have to fucking travel. It's the only way you can, you know. Yeah. The only way you get really good at this. You got to be an expert traveler.

You know what I mean? You got to know the shortcuts. You got to know, like, the family. style bathrooms when nobody's using them just to fucking use them and not feel bad. I know. I use a family style bathrooms all the fucking time. Like you just take up a whole.

If they ask me what's going on, I don't know. I'm waiting for my wife and kids. I don't know where the fuck you are. You know how it is? I'm going to fucking wait here from. They told me they'd be. Yeah.

I do all. Listen, I just got my Southwest A list card. And I'm like, I already had all these benefits. Because I stand on this line anyway. Yeah. Whether I travel A-list or not, I still travel on the fucking line.

It doesn't matter. People actually believe this shit. TSA won't let you get in the first-class line if you got a first-class ticket. But the airline, if there's a long line, you get on first-class. And you say, oh, my God, I didn't know. They're not going to send you to the back on the line. No, I hate those people. You're always, because I'm priority.

And there's always motherfuckers like you who are like, oh, I didn't know. I don't know. I don't know nothing. It's like everybody's standing there going, you know he doesn't have a priority ticket. No, I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. That's the way to fly.

What are you talking about? I don't know. I thought I bought the early board. I didn't buy it. What are you talking about? Let me talk to a gate agent. Don't worry about it. Just getting the fucking plane.

You got to work it. Like you fucking own the joint. You know what I'm saying? For years, I traveled. I shoplifted. I didn't have money to fucking. buy stuff at airports. Oh, man.

I shoplifted from the company that I worked for. What did you shoplift? Well, I got laid off from my job, right? I was a sales rep, and I had this company car. And I got laid off, and they forgot to get their company car back. So I just took it with me to New York. And what happened? Nothing happened.

What did you do with their car? I had this car. And I was just like, just using this car. Like, I'm not on their books, but these companies are so big. They forget about the expenses of, oh, we have a company car out there. So for six months, my first six months in New York, I had a car. Did they call you one? That I didn't have to pay for.

And I started selling Coke. No, you didn't. Yeah. Out of the car? Yeah. How did I not meet you guys, man? We were already gone. Oh, yeah.

Long gone. So how did you get the car back? They called me for the car. And I was thinking. I should bring it to like a tire shop and sell it for parts. You know? Like how much money could I make off of it? I had a Chevy Equinox.

Nice car, you know? 5-4 grand, 35. Right? I was so tempted when they called me and they said, yeah, you have a, you have that car. Yeah, but see, today they got GPS and they got Google Maps. Back then they didn't have that. What were you going to say? When they said, where's the car?

I was going to say, like, oh, I don't know. I parked it here and now it's gone. You know? That's what my plan was, but I gave the keys back because I was a pussy. No, but you could have just said I called somebody. Who did you call? Six months ago, and they told me to drop the car off it hurts. Why would you drop a car off?

I don't know. That's what I told me. What was his name? I don't fucking know. Fucking name, man. Listen, you can't take a fucking lighter. anymore now. Yeah. They got you because all these cars got GPS bridges, cameras, oh, you know, tolls have time on them, tires have ID numbers. You're fucking dead. It's tough to be a fucking

criminal today. It's got to be fucking tough to get away with murder anything. I know a girl who got caught stealing 12 sweaters from marshals. Oh yeah, that's a losing proposition. You ain't going to shop. You just walk it into a track. Did you have to take 12 at one time? Yeah, no, if you're going to walk on ice, you might as well dance. You're not going to walk in and take one sweater. If they're 200 apiece, you go 12 times and take one.

Yeah, but that's small time. Fucking going there for broke, but they're going to get you with security now. It's over. It's over. It's tough to shoplift, too, I guess. You got to go to different countries where they don't have cameras to shoplift. You know, shoplifting is getting expensive. You got to buy a plane ticket, then shoplift there, and then shoplift there, and then,

We're going to shoplift in Mexico? What are you going to think they're going to do? Give you a ticket in Mexico. They're going to cut your fucking hand off. You can go to. I think they're going to fucking do in Mexico. Are you crazy? If you're going to get caught shoplifting.

Let's go to Canada. Fuck that. They'll hang you to it to and you can't travel. You can't do dick. If you're going to shoplift you, Canada doesn't have that much power. You got a shoplift smart. And there's no shoplifting in your world.

You're a high-level fucking comedian. There's no shoplifting. No, I mean. You can take a lighter and some rolling papers from time to time. If nobody's a while. watching me. You can't shop with the fucking album or something like that. No, no, no. It doesn't cover the spread for you. No, I know. You're the real fucking, you know how I did it? Mike Kessler, tell him,

I was the king of the returns. I caught the tail end of the evolution. This time of the year, this was cash. From December 10th to February 14th, I probably made every year, $25,000, $30,000. Because in 1993, there was a big, espresso boom in this country. So espresso machines were 399 of a Kmart and shit on sale. I would just walk up to a coffee machine, pick it up,

and go back to the exchange line. And say, my wife bought this from my mother. My mother's got one already, and I don't have the receipt. And they just give you money. Cash, plus the tax. Wow. You just... So when it was $3.99, you get like $460 back plus tax.

And you walked out of it. That was the first time. The second time they asked you for an ID. Yeah, so you got to go to a different store. But you could get a receipt also. You could hang out in front of the store like a Puerto Rican and wait for somebody to drop a receipt. I remember one time somebody dropped the receipt for a loanmower.

Don't think I didn't get in the car and go to the Longmoin. I fucking bring back a loan more like a motherfucker. I wouldn't walk out of the store with the product. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would just walk right up to the fucking thing and say, I got this. I would just cut into the line. Right.

You know, I worked at a movie theater, and I would have kids from my high school come. And I say, you know, you give me 40 bucks. I'll let all of you guys in to the movie. You were smarter than anyone I ever. I worked in movie theaters for years. People would just let their friends in. For free? Yeah.

I made them pay me. Fuck you. I'm like, you don't let me sit with you at the lunch table. And you're like out having fun while I'm working. Oh, no, no. I wouldn't let any new. and anyone didn't like. But I was not like friends.

Yeah, these were like the popular kids, you know? They'd be like, yo, let us in. And they'd be like, yeah, what up? What up, Koo? When I was a kid, they used to be a place in Jersey. And I would go in there and I would buy an album. Okay. But I would actually walk up to the counter with 12 albums.

Or nine albums or 10 albums or a stack of albums. These gorilla hands would cover. the thickness you could never tell because I'd walk up to you like this you're following me but right before I pay for it I bent over and left the albums in the floor and came back with the one you saw so the other I was like a magician you are a magician and then I come up to the counter pay for it okay these albums would still be standing against the counter like this wait you put like your jacket down there something nothing

nothing so the albums would still be standing against the counter like this there'd be a wall she couldn't see through the glass people were busy this is 1982 people were busy

she couldn't see she put that fucking album in a bag I'd take that bag bend down like I was switching and pick the fucking albums up so they would cover the bag would cover the albums

that I picked up I'd pick them with my thumb and walk right out of the store like that. So all she'd see is the bag now. But she didn't see that. My thumb was holding on to 10 fucking albums. Wow. Did you practice that at home?

Yeah, yeah. I practice it at home like a fucking magician in my mirror. No, you don't practice it at home. It's a complicated move. No, his hands are fucking huge. You figure that out. You don't need to practice when you got the size. You have the, all I needed was just to get my thumb.

on that plastic. What would you do, Lee, if those were your hands? He was going to jacuzzi. I'll tell you that much. No. I don't know what that means. I don't understand. I never met a Jew with more skin rashes than you.

You used to get rash from jerking off. You've caught diseases from jerking off, haven't you? Like, fucking mild skin diseases on your little fucking juping geethe. Haven't you? Next time, point away from me when it's coming out. up to a fucking jacuzzi. I know. Only you come back with a black eye.

It's time we have a talk. You got to intake your vitamin C. It's time you eat two eggs for breakfast. That's it. We got to kick up the fucking pace for 2016. Last time you had, remember you had the stye on the other eye? Yeah, I had it from a fucking... For a month and a half.

He kept saying, and then the mother-in-law, the Mexican mother-in-law wanted to put, you know, witchcraft on his eye, like blow smoking it and shit. He wouldn't let it. No, it wasn't blow smoke. What was it? It was taking a burning hot jalapeno pepper, put it on the fire until it's burning, and then put that on your eye. And I asked about that today, and she said it's not the right kind for that. So what kind of pepper do you need for this thing you have on your head?

I don't even want to know. What really happened with your eye? I wish I had a better story. So what is that? You should just tell people I was with this girl, and she fucking was like, she was like, she was like, I'm escorted. Are you okay with that? And you're like, yeah, sure, I never seen that.

And then she fucking started squirting in your eye. Like spider woman, you know? And it just like covered your whole damn eye. So let me ask you something. So when you dropped your polo off tonight, you went upstairs and the mom saw your eye. Yeah. And you showed it to him. When she said, you said, do you.

No, no, no. I asked Paula on the way home if her mom wouldn't do it. And she said she would. but like there's one where like something is like sticking out. I don't know. It was gross. But I don't know. I went in a fucking old hot tub at a cabin, not the smartest move apparently,

looking back on it. And I'm fucking, I got it. Probably, yeah. Did it have, like, leaves in it? Yeah. Did you leave your dick in the toilet or did you hold on to it while you were shit? Why would I hold on to my dick while I'm kidding? Because you don't leave your little bingit on the inside.

Because he's been watching you shit. Because if you got a rash in the jacuzzi, do you know what rash, the toilet's going to give you a dick if you left it on the inside? If I was you, I just go to the doctor the wrong and get checked out. You're all fucked up. Who goes to the jacuzzi and comes back?

Because of you, because you always jinges me. I've been fucking jigs. You hate Airbnb for no reason. In the first day, eight million people got to Airbnb. Nothing happens. I got a one ever in my life. And use them with a bad juju one With like all the sperm of the hot tub or something

I don't know You don't listen if you see a hot tub people Listen I want you people you listen to listen to this Look at my face If you see if you're on a hot tub I want you to think before you jump in a hot tub Or a jacuzzi

I want you to think that Joey Diaz took a shit In that thing and jerked off in that Because I've jerked off in all those jacuzzi In my cocaine days I got no pussy Somebody should draw that for you. I would always whack off in jacuzzi just to see the scurm disintegrating the fucking and the fucking Poseidman. Just have Joey, Joey Diaz.

Why not? When I was in Colorado and I was 21, I whacked off in those things all the time. So you have to assume that somebody whacked off in those fucking jacuzis and you're going in there to drink champagne and be Tony Montana. This is his way of hazing you. And a jacuzzi and a fucking, so every jacuzzi you see has got to be a minimum of 25 fucking years old. It all comes full circle. Nobody do you use jacuzis no more. People jump in ice cubes and tubs or whatever the fuck they do anymore.

No. No, it is. You know what, man, the rest of it. Big Bear was pretty great. I had a great time up there. I know you did. The air was dinner? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Every bag we had expands. It looks like a big balloon as you're carrying it around. It's pretty crazy. I don't know, but it was fun. It was just there snow up there. It snowed last night. It was a good time.

It was nice to get away. And you went to the zoo? What did you eat up there? There's not much to eat up there. We got Chinese food, which wasn't great. And then we went to this local pizza place, which was just kind of okay. But we had fun. We just, she had just finished all her finals.

So, we had a couple days away just to relax. I don't know, it was a good time. She's lurking around for the holidays to win. She's home for like two or three weeks, I think. Then she has her last semester? Then when she'd she go back to school? Like the 12th. Beautiful.

Yeah. That's pretty, it's, uh, that's a long vacation. Three, four of the weeks. January 12th. That's good. That's all she needs. That's that she's a fucking lawyer. They're in training.

You know, when you're a lawyer, you got to prepare yourself for the future. I think you, you become a lawyer to do less work. Yeah. So four weeks is a fucking gift to a lawyer. That's a fucking gift. What they're about to run into, which she's about to go into in the next 10 months is going to be out. there's no fucking days off you know it's like a comic

there's no fucking days off that's what people lawyers should get more time off probably they work so hard right well no you know it's there's a lot of fucking lawyers now there's a ton of fucking lawyers you know so you got to go out there and hustle your comic now you got to go out there and get that work you got to make that cheesy commercial

you got to go to hospitals and give out cards and people get hit by a car get electrocuted last night on the way back from the comedy store I saw three fucking accents people going into fence and shit and walls. Yeah, I saw that on TV. This is the time of the year where you got to fucking drive defensively.

You got to pay attention because fucking momos are out there. All the amateurs are out shopping right now and people who aren't expert travelers, you know? You know, like when you go to the airport on Thanksgiving or, you know, the day before Christmas and, you know, you make that mistake of, like, flying that day. You're just like, this is when everybody's out, you know? Like all the amateur flyers. And drivers, you know, because most people, they just stay in all year around and they don't really like do stuff. You know, a lot of people stay home. It's like New Year's Eve comedy crowds.

Exactly. A lot of people do not like performing on New Year's Eve. I've had the roughest, the Miami Improv in the late 90s was a great club. One of the first bombings I ever took on New Year's was there. And the headline of bond, but the beauty was I saw Chris Brock get booed there two days earlier. by black people. It was black night on Monday and Tuesday. You know, that's how crazy that improv was.

Like, during New Year's week, it's tourism. It's different people. I think the Super Bowl was there or something. No, no, no, I was too early for the Super Bowl. It was New Year's Eve. But I was there a Super Bowl one time, and I bombed that week with Richard Jenny. Maybe it was a college football game?

No, it was Super Bowl. I was there another time. One time with Richard Jenny, like in 99, the Super Bowl was in Miami, in 98 or 97. and I was down there with Richard Jenny and I fucking ate shit till Friday till I figured it out that this was not my usual Miami

fucking crowd. These people were tourists that were in town for the fucking Super Bowl and they were staying in Coconut Grove at the time instead of staying in Miami like the regular fucking rich people. Wow. So those people are a little bit more weird they're a little bit more Christian

you know, so it was kind of weird. Yeah, I love the whole Miami comedy scene. I always thought the Miami comedy scene would really blossom big. Like somebody would set up, you know, six or seven little rooms, satellites, and, you know, Hollywood is right down there. Telemundo's right down there.

They could do like a last type of TV show down there. But it never really panned out. And like from 2000, I heard all these rumblings, how they were going to shoot all these movies in Florida. And then they shot like two, and that was it. Bad boys, you know, they shot a couple. The tax benefits need to be better. The what?

The tax benefits. The tax benefits of Miami, but they always change. Every year they go back and forth. And then they shoot themselves in the foot. Yeah, they do. You know, hopefully, like, Florida's the next state to legalize weed, and hopefully, you know, people can grow marijuana. You know, with the problem with Florida is the same problem with California. That you have Miami up to West Palm Beach where people are hip.

Then from West Palm Beach up. WKNZ, it goes fucking deep. And that's the Bible Belt, no matter how you look at that Tallahassee, all that shit, that's a different state. Those are white people from other places that went to retire

that do not really want that riffraff in their city. So at first, I was like Miami, West Palm and Fort Lauderdale, shit, that law is going to pass. When I found out that didn't get legalized, I was like, I get it now.

That's still the. Bible Belt. It's like California. California is a huge state. You have San Francisco, you have San Jose in those states up there, a little thing we have up there, and then you have San Diego and Los Angeles. What happens when you get on the five and you leave fucking 170? What does it become, Lee? Cows and fields like berries. You think those people voting for fucking weed? Right. You know, they just want, they're just trying to fucking exist. you know, all of a sudden we have no water in fucking LA

but we got water to grow weed Right? We got water like a motherfucker to grow weed Nobody else can use water Unless you're growing weed Because that's what's making you That's your cash cow And there's benefits

And I think there's pros and cons To having legalized marijuana You know whatever the fuck they are I don't know I'm not gonna count them down And tell you what they are I really don't give a fuck I'm too high You follow me?

I mean is it legal in California? No So medical. It's still medical. Yeah. It's the same shit. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they need to, you guys need to upgrade to Colorado level where you don't need to be registered and, you know, have some California address and get a California driver's license just so that you can.

Yeah, but they don't give you good when you're, when you're visiting. And the edibles are only like 10 milligrams or 20 milligrams. You can only buy 100 milligrams of edibles at one time. In Colorado. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, they restrain you like a motherfucker. They don't give you the batch of debt because you're recreation. You don't visit it.

they're not going to give you the sweet Oh yeah They're not going to give you that good good shit They'll nod to you because you might fucking think your Superman And start to take your shirt off and fly off the hotel building So they say that for the people who live in town And where you still smoke you know Listen when you smoke weed in Denver

It's completely different from smoking weed at sleeve level Than what it is in fucking In high level, whatever that's called It completely fucking different It got me messed up this weekend Oh my God Two different fucking worlds Really?

Two different way. First time I did a bung hit in Colorado, I passed out. What? Felt backwards, how to get up, ice on my head, water, seeing spots. The area, and I did it in Aspen, which is 12,000 fucking feet or something. And I did a bong hit and thought I was Joey Bananas like on Doug Benson. And all of a sudden, bish, black the fuck out. Wow.

Yeah, the air is that much thinner, so it gives you a different effect. When I went back to Denver this time, I was really, like, Chebichu showed up and people showing up with edibles, and I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm going to cut the level at $200, $150 because I don't know what's going to happen, that altitude. My heart might go crazy. Wow. You have to get, what's that called, when you have to get whatever that's called six weeks to get when your body transforms up in high altitude. Oh, acclimates. It takes six to eight weeks.

It acclimates. And you know what? When I first went to Colorado, I wasn't heavy in 83. I was like a big muscle kid, and I lost like 10 pounds because you lose weight in the beginning because your heart has to beat more. You're always working out for four weeks. You just walk it makes your heart beat like you're working out. Yeah, so you can only take like a baby hit or something. You can take baby hits until you get acclimated.

It's like sometimes when you like have a show where there's only like five people, you still got to do that show. You got to do that show. Because you just take those baby laughs and then you translate them into. to like, you know, regular laughs in your head to gauge, like, what's working and what's not. You like stand-up, huh? You like it a lot? I can see you the other night that you were really, you're really into what you're doing and you're really good at what you do, you know, for how long you've been doing.

Oh, my God, I love stand-up. That's, you know, I've always been a stand-up. I started out as a writer in my high school newspaper, though. And that's, you know, I just naturally went into being a comedian because, you know, I just naturally went into being a comedian because people were just like coming up to me every Wednesday when the paper came out. They're like, oh, I always read your columns first. They're so funny. And I was like, thanks, you know? And they'd be like, you're so funny, you're so funny. And so you just hear that so many times. And you're like, I'm funny. You know, like, that's just how it happens, right?

What was the first time you got on stage? At my eighth grade talent show. I was the host of the talent show The librarian was like Hey you're always making your friends laugh Why don't you host a talent show? And I was like okay You know?

So I would just like I would like take bits from like Aladdin and like recreate them I dressed up like as the Energizer Bunny And I borrowed my band director's like Drum set from marching band And I went across the stage like as the Energizer Bunny. I did a commercial while I was hosting it, you know.

So you had shit going on back then. Well, I mean, that was my first time, like, doing stand-up. Right, right. But at least you had something to go off there with. I was used to speaking in front of crowds every week because of the church that I grew up in. And, like, I had to perform music in front of a congregation of, like, 75 people every week. And also, like, on Fridays, we would share, like, a testimony where you're supposed to, like, reveal what sins. you committed that week and like, you know, ask God for forgiveness. So, you know, I was just so used to being in front of, you know, a small crowd of people in this, like, makeshift,

makeshift church. What church was this? It was called UBF, University Bible Fellowship. Is it open or is it just Korean or is it American? Well, the founder was Korean and then they would recruit American, they would try to recruit North Americans. They're the ones that show up with the little van, with the Korean things on the same. side and pick you. No, they don't have vans. They're more like ghetto. They just have like beat down cars, you know? It's very interesting. And you grew up in the church. So how old were you? Till I was 17, I left. Your parents mad? Were they mad? Yeah. You know what? The people at the church were more mad than my parents were. My parents never really said anything like, hey, come back.

You know? But the people at the church were like, you know, you shouldn't be doing this. And I'm like, why? I'm done with you, mother. Yeah. Don't tell me what I have to wear. Don't tell me I can't wear a tie-died t-shirt to Bible study because of like the connotation to drugs and hippie culture. And I didn't know that. I was just a kid. It was my chemistry project to make a tie-died t-shirt. You know, they tried to control you. And they, you know, they call everybody sheep. Like the new recruits who come into the church, they call them sheep. So like already, like you just attract, attracts people with low self-esteem, you know. who've been through a rough time in life, and then they get you by, like, feeding you, like love bombing you. They take you out to eat when, like, nobody else wants to take you out to eat.

They, like, fuck what your mind, you know? It's like a cult. You can't find somebody to take them out to eat. I'm a fat. I always bump into somebody to take me for a cheeseburger. Some people don't have friends. A grilled cheese. I got no friends either, but you bump into people

and they become friends. Some people want to meet their friends all in one day. You know? Some people are like, want to be part of an organization. I was watching that CNN thing and they were talking about Jim Jones. You know, I was just unwinding. You know, you see all these people in Guyana, you know. And they were like black, white Asians, you know. I'm looking at these, okay, some of that.

I'm looking at every nationality. And I'm questioning this. Like, why are you there? You know, you're white. You should have no holes in your game. Like, I was a young kid. And I'm looking at the black people going, You should be ashamed of you.

So what the fuck are you? Black people never fall for this type of shit. And I'm looking at like this Asian people from San Francisco because that's where his church was from. It was from San Francisco, Jim Jones. So I'm looking at this going, these people are raised like the most solid fucking people in the world. How they fall for this, Gua Lo,

whatever the fuck they call them, the Chinese people call the white devil. And you can't figure it out, but they all have the same denominator. They caught these people on the right day. You know what I'm saying? It's like a chick that, won't suck your dick of Tuesday.

Well, maybe suck your dick on Saturday night at 4 in the morning. You know what I'm saying? She won't suck your dick at Tuesday and 4 if you bump into in the afternoon. But 4 in the morning behind the Wendy's, things could happen. You know what I'm saying? Right or wrong, Lee Syatt. Look at you. You're sitting there.

I haven't experienced the Wednesdays. All rashed up with fucking a black eye. Let me give some shoutouts. We'll get everybody out of here. My man, Paul Ireland. My girl, Brandy Lee. Brandy Lynn. Merry Christmas, you and your beautiful boy.

Frank Cow Walker, Arturo, Rodriguez, Brian West, 256, Luca, Banana, Jordan Lee. I'll see you Wednesday night at the motherfucking Hong Kong, the Hong Kong Gardens up there in Ventura. And my man Jay said so. I love you, motherfuckers. And that's right. Wednesday night, I'll be at the Hong Kong fucking gardens up in Ventura, 8 o'clock. It's the last gig of the year Before my New Year's gig with Rogan

On the 31st If you're not doing that Ventura Wednesday night And you're getting ready for your family You want to do one last hold down Before you fucking tolerate 36 hours of bullshit And fucking family shit And Christmas bells and bad food

Come out up to the Hong Kong Gardens In Ventura and we'll rock your fucking world What are you doing Christmas Eve? You're going to buy the wife's house What are you going to do? Yeah, they party What do they do? They play games, right? Yeah, La Torrea.

Oh, my. Lottaria. And then what are you doing Christmas Day? You're sleeping over there? You're bringing it back to your crib? I don't know. I probably, I'm not going to sleep over there. Well, you're going to bring Mama back with you.

You're going to come home empty handy. You're going to bring her. She'll wake up for the real Santa Claus. You know what I'm saying? A little red Jew dick with a black top hat. Forget about that motherfucker. He's ready to sling dick. He's getting his sins back.

He's got to get his. You know what are you doing? What are you doing Christmas Day? I don't know. They're not baking Christmas Day, but I'll probably let her sleep over there. Sure. You're going to sleep over there?

No, let her sleep over there. I'll go back to my house. You'll let her sleep over there. Are you crazy? I forgot your Christmas day. I got to come back to the place and get it and wink at it. What do you got to bring her back? It's Christmas night, Christmas Eve.

I don't know. It's the last month she gets spent with her mom. Fuck that shit. Tell her who's the fucking Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. All I'm rashed up and shit. You just caught a rash because. You know what I'm saying? You got a black eye in the jacuzzi.

You got to deal what the fuck you got to do. You say I got to deal with that's the cool? I don't know. She might want to. What one? It's fucking grip the deep. Everybody wants to see Santa. Right?

Rather wrong. What are you doing, Christmas Eve, beautiful? Just opening presents, I suppose. Hopefully. The boyfriend back? Yeah. Okay, so everything a Humpty Dory in Miami. Yeah, man.

And then what are you doing for new? years? For New Year's, I'm just hanging out with family. Good for you. Down in there you. Yeah, I hate New Year's as a holiday, so I don't like going out. I don't blame me, you what I'm saying? It's not a good night for you. Yeah. People

might have three cocktails and tackle you or something like that. What are you doing New Year's Lisa? I'm going to see Bobar. You are, that's right, 8 o'clock show, 7.30. 7.30 show. Perfect. You out of there by 9.30. You're in your car. You're on the one-on-one north. Nobody bothers you. Yeah. Knowing you. I'm nervous. And you're going to go get

Are you going to get dumplings before? You're going to go after? Maybe. Let me ask you, have you ever been to Myeong and dumplings on Olympic? No, what is that? It's a Korean dumpling place, but he always makes fun of me for going there. Oh, is it good? It's great, yeah.

The Bordane went there when he was here. Yum Yum dumplings? No, Myeong and Dumpling. Myeongin Dumplings. Yeah, it's an Olympic. Oh, I'm always down Olympic. That's Korea-Tampings. man.

That's Korea town now. Yeah. This is the headquarters of Koreans in this country. Is it really? L.A. is. You guys didn't know that? I thought Koreans were everywhere.

No, Koreans are like mostly here. Like L.A. has a thriving Korea town, whereas in New York is just a block. Where's Korea town in New York City? It's on 32nd between 5th and 6th. It's literally a block. And then there's like, well, that's like the mini Korea town. That's like the same. example, it's like, walk down this block.

If you like it, come on to flushing, you know? And flushing is kind of like. Flushing Queens is like Chinese Korean, you know? And Fort Lee, New Jersey, too. Oh, yeah. Fort Lee. Palisades Park, too. Yes.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah. They run shit down there down in Powell Park. Yeah. They got good fruit places. Oh, they got a place down there. I used to go to, like just recently, two years ago.

I didn't go this last trip with my wife, but there's a place you go for breakfast. Got the yogurt, a fruit sliced nice and clean places. Fucking spotless. Spotless. My friend goes in there. You don't believe in dirt. That's how I knew. Nice.

He keeps, yeah. When I was a kid, I used to go up there to eat a duck. Deli 666. The Koreans made the best shrimp salad fucking ever. On a seeded roll, on a poppy seed fucking roll. Unbelievable. A slice of tomato, a little shrimp salad with some salt and pepper. Who's better than you?

Yeah, they invented like cutting up all that fruit and selling it in delis and shit. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Lee, have you ever been to a Korean spa in L.A.? No, no, I haven't. Is it fun?

You like jacuzis. You should go. They have like different style jacuzis with different temperatures, like ones at, you know, 94 degrees, ones at 103. And they have like different stones next to them. I've never been to any, like, I've never got a massage. I've never done anything. You've never gotten to massage? No.

Oh my God. Massages. One time I almost, this guy was giving you a massage so good. I almost turned around and fucked him. I was like, this massage is like I'm on ecstasy, you know? Like I smoked, I smoked a joint before going in there. And where was this? In Shanghai. Yeah. I know. It was crazy. How many massages do you get a week? Like once a week.

Once a week. But when I was in China, They were so cheap. I was getting like one a day. It was ridiculous. You know what you mean? It's kind of fucking creepy. What?

I can't get massage. I can't close my eyes. I don't trust my mother in my back. Fuck, no. Oh, really? I don't even like my wife touching me. Get the fuck out of you. Creeping me out with your cold fucking mortician hands.

I need this shit in my life. You'd rather have a cat like, you know, digging its nails in your back. No, no, on my front. He would jump on my legs. Like, I'd be on my couch looking like I was watching TV. You'd rather get attacked by all of, by Finney. No, I don't want to get attacked by nobody.

That's my fucking point. I just, uh. Do you ever have nightmares at your cats like somebody, you know that honey I shrunk to kids, zapping gun? Like if somebody zapped your cats and they became like bigger, you know, do you ever have nightmares about that? No, fucking really. No lately.

I don't agree with nothing to happen to my cats, but good things. I don't want nobody's zap with my cats. I don't want to zap nobody's fucking cats, you know what I'm saying? No, I just, what was the question? I'm sorry, there was a question. What the fuck he was saying? I don't know. Can somebody fill us in?

I don't know. I forget everything. What? What? The star jelly is tremendous. We trip is like every 10 seconds is deleted. So what happened? What are you saying?

No, but at the zoo in Big Bear, we saw there were these two leopards just going at it. Like just like, and I was like, just watching them and they're just like little cats. I was like, these are like cats. Do you ever, like, go to the zoo and just, like, realize, like, how crazy it is? Like, just, like, your little cats are exactly the same? Papa has that joke that you realize that these two cats are, like, fucking descendants of two fucking lions in your living room at night. You know, which is true.

They're little fucking animals that somewhere along the line, somebody took and gave a hug to them they never left. And the rest is history. It's, it's my bottom of it. You really can't. I'm still amazed sometimes at my cats or animals in general, like how you could get them to love you or how naturally they love and how good they make you feel.

They calm you down when you pet them. Well, people, they say that if you have a pet, you live longer. They relieve a little bit of stress in your life. Because you start communicating with them and you have this connection and this bond. and you can speak telepathically to your cat. And they understand you, you know? When I went over to watch his cats a couple weeks ago, I couldn't find Superbear, and I was in,

like to give him ham. And you're like, oh, wait, go look over by the thing under the door. And he was like, you knew, you looked at the time, and he knew exactly where he was. The cool bond you guys have. No, I know exactly where they are at every minute. I checked on them. Are they neutered?

Yeah, they're all neutered. So they're not like humping things? No, no, no, no, no, no. They're never in heat. Like, it just cuts it off? No, they're done. They're done. I wonder if any cats get suicidal when you neuter them.

Oh, you know, I bet that they come home. They're going to lick their balls. That balls are missing. It's a complete fucking, you know, it's got to be cold. What the fuck do you do? I mean, that's a life changer, you know? I didn't want to neuter them either, but then they do a lot of crazy shit. So then they try to break out and fuck cats

And now you have a problem They get more Now you have more babies Just tames them down And it relaxes them And uh You know, hey listen I'll tell you what after

I lived through 90 something 2000 It was like a little earthquake in LA And I saw what it did to them So I don't like being far from them When I got my animal I took a responsibility When most Americans

And most people got an animal At that time You just shattered a bunch of fucking ideas the shit that you want to do. Because I don't know how to fuck people leave for four weeks and leave their animal or something like that. I couldn't fucking think. Even though I had to do it, I had to do it two times in my life.

And it broke my fucking heart. The first time is after my mom died, I had a dog that had to give up. And for a year, after I gave up that dog, I would get high, like once a week. I would get high every night. But one night, I would get drunk, and I'd walk over to where the dog lived. And I'd break into the backyard and sit with them in the house. I was heartbroken about this dog I had to give this dog up not because I

wanted to but because my situation changed in my life you know and then when I got married I got divorced I had to give her the fucking dog I left the dog with a friend for a week and did you have visitation rights I dick she just used to tell me what the dog was doing and the dog passed away and that was the end of that you never got to say bye

no just in my heart that's so sad so I know the feeling of having to give away an animal for a situation. Yeah. You move, a kid's allergic. Things happen, but people who just move and leave the cat behind or the dog behind. That's fucking ridiculous to me. I never understood that shit.

You know, you make a mental commitment to this animal. This animal puts a certain trust in you. You know, when I walk in the kitchen, the middle of the, when I come home, I go to the bathroom, take a piss, I'll wash my hands really fucking good. I've been out all night, shaking hands and shit. And I go in the kitchen. And I'll look around that time, but I'll see if they're all right. And I got like a decaf coffee or whatever.

And I smoke a bowl. And after I'm set, one of them come over to me. I like to say, what's out, dog? And they'll just snoop around, I'll touch their head. And it's like to say it from me and they'll disappear. But about six minutes later, somebody else will come out. And they'll jump up and they'll let me pet them and shit. And then as I go to hug them, they'll fucking leave.

And then Demmy will see this. and Dimmy'll be sleeping and he's my main guy. He'll fucking come over and lay down with me. He'll fucking sit there with me for 20 minutes. As long as I hold him and pet his head, he'll sit there for as long as I'll stick my fingers in his ears and scratch his ears from the outside. He can go nowhere.

That's a sucker for those shit. But it's so weird. I go to bed and I made a bomb with them. Every day I focus on brushing a different one. Like getting them all sharped up and shit, it's rough, but you got to brush them and hold them down. and tell them you love them. And if you brush them with the brush alone, they get angry,

so you got to touch them with your hand so they feel a love from your hand. You learn all these things, you know, and it's really interesting. Wow. I could write a book, but Allie, if you brush Allie, you brush Allie four or five times, she'll fucking put a claw in you. But if you pet her in between brushes and grab her face and rub her eyes and take the dirt out of her eyes, it's a different alley. Dimmie won't let you brush him with a metal brush.

You brush me with a metal brush. He'll fucking bite your fucking hand off. But again, if you make him look the other way and you scratch his neck and brush him gently, he'll take it in it. I don't have to work him with the other brush and work double. It's so weird what you learn from them.

Harry, I can hit Harry with a two by four. He don't give a fuck as long as I brush him and give him love. Harry's the only cat that won't move. Harry will just tip over like a leading tower, You know what? Like when you put your leg out, Harry will just put his foot, put his head into your foot

and just tip over onto your leg. So his ass is basically on your fucking knee. He's easy to brush. He'll just let you do whatever fuck you want to do them. It's pretty interesting. I'm sorry we ended up talking about cats tonight today. Who gives a fuck? At least we have,

what do Gentiles call it? We had provocative conversation. Very introspective, Roger? It was very introspective, the conversation they had. What I found the most interesting, though, was when... They showed pity for Lee's rash. No, we didn't, God's second. Next time don't jump in the jacuzzi.

Never again. Never again. The next time makes sure there's a maid around and shit, something to clean up your fucking... Next time when you finger your asshole, don't rub your eye if it is... That's another thing. That's why I think you got that fucking shit again you had last time in the other eye. something you do it just stuck you need another

start come in I do not need another star alright just double checking because you're acting all fucked up here is shit if you if you guys had a choice now like starting comedy again would you have to start in L.A.? Will you have to be in L.A.?

Because you guys are talking about all those comedy things earlier all the comedy scenes earlier I think it's better to not start in L.A. Yeah I think it's better to not start L.A. L.A. is like so so many comedians that live here, you know? It's like you only get three minutes of stage time

because there's so many. Like, don't start here. Well, not even start here, but like, could you can have a successful career in other cities for longer than you could, like before? Like, because you're in Miami for a while. You never know. Like, you never know. You could do, you know, you could do it and everything.

But there's like so much industry here, I wouldn't want to start here, you know? Because like the city where you start in, people always see you just starting out, you know, and you don't know. When you're starting out, you don't know what you're doing. So you don't want like everybody watching. At L.A., I feel like it is everybody. Right. You know what I mean? Well, the thing that bothers me the most about here is that if you did comedy here, you wouldn't really concentrate on what's important.

See, when I start in Michigan, I go to an open mic, I get on stage. I go to another open mic, I get on stage, I got another open mic, I go on stage. And the fourth open mic, Esther Koo comes up to me. And she'll say, that was a great joke, man, what's happening? How are you? Great. You know, what was that? Your fourth time?

I've been doing it for eight months. And you get a comedy buddy, and they start talking to you, you know. What's my next move? Well, Tuesday night, I'd say, do Jokers Wild. mom down and you and you do chokers wild and then you do that for like three months and you do open mic and maybe if you get it after five

months the club owner comes and says hey do you want to host or do guest sets and you do guest sets and then you you know you just do this this more organic type development I don't want you to worry about what you don't

need to worry about in comedy because if the first year you're doing comedy and you're going to call me and ask me, do you think there's industry at that coffee shop on Starbucks and Beverly? You're not, it's not going to work out for you. This is not going to work out of it. What makes you go down is that you want to do it from your heart. You know what I'm saying? Like you want to do it. There's two types of comics. There's people want to be comedians. There's people who want to be comedians to be famous. Those people don't

last. Very few of them last or maybe somewhere along the line they get it. My point being that I was telling us, the cool and you is when a comic is at the two-year mark, he shouldn't be worried about a web page or a headshot or industry or an agent or management. He should just have this organic type of like innocent, childlike comedy career where you still have a day job, you still meet your friends at 7.30. You still go do four, three sets around town, you drink a few be is you leave with the waitress. You have this organic growth, man, that doesn't include industry and headshots.

And, well, you've got a friend to do your headshots as to, that's not going to work. When you need to spend $6,080, you know what I'm saying? Where if you're in Michigan and Lee takes my picture of me going like this with an iPhone and I make 100 copies, it works. It works. But here they want, you follow me? you know, well, you don't have a web page.

Oh, my God, you have to post your dates. Why? I'm an MC. I don't got to post nothing. I don't want nobody to know what the fuck I'm doing. What's still developing? When I could start building a fucking, so you understand, there's so many things that I don't want you to worry about.

We come in tonight. Let me tell you, and he'll tell you. We come in tonight. I get here 20 at 8. We're talking, we're going back and forth. I tell him, listen, take out this. We got to do this. That's the cool's coming.

Whatever the fuck we're talking. about one thing leads to another. This motherfucker I see him taking a paper out to tell me about an idea he got over the fucking weekend. And I just shut him down. He'll tell you. He didn't even see it. I just said, for this music.

And then two minutes later, you know what he asked me, what are we doing the next podcast? Tuesday or what? I don't want him. Why is he worrying about Tuesday or why is he worrying about an idea when we're doing a podcast? Right. Save that for later.

I want the same thing when you're coming. I don't want you to go on stage thinking somebody from fucking three arts might be here or the girl from New Wave or the guy from Capital Entertainment. I just want you to go on stage and have a good comedy career. I want you to focus on what's in front of you. Good soil. Yes, you did it right. You said it the right way.

You got a good base under you. You've gotten booed. You got a heckle. You drove to every fucking spot. in your state. You featured New Year's Christmas. I've driven comedians and watched them get paid in front of me and I'm the one who drove them. Oh, please. And they don't give you a dollar.

Yeah, no, no, they're vicious like that. But that education, you need that generic education. Because if not, yeah, you can come out here and guess what, man, you come up with a funny eight, ten minutes out here in three years. And just some dumb agent walks in and sees you and thinks he can make a buck with you. And next thing you know, you're in Montreal getting $200,000. And now your work ethic slows down. They're telling you you're going to be on a TV show. You never cut your teeth yet.

Yeah. You've never cut your teeth and just, how the fuck are you going to be talking to TV execs? And let's pretend. Let's pretend because you're so lucky the show does get picked up for 13. Then you get the second season. Well, guess what? Now you thought you were high and mighty. You kind of left stand up on the fucking.

backburner a little bit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Now they canceled the show and there you are. You didn't do stand-up for two years. Now you became an annoying actor. And now you became an annoying acting. You've got to go all the way back and do it.

When I was growing up, there was a commercial for Penzo. Penzo was an oil type and their motto was you could either pay me now or you could pay me later. And from that motto, from that stupid anecdote, I did my career. career. I paid my dues. These people that, oh, I headlined after five years. I just look at them and go, that's great. That's great. You're in for a shell shock, Jack. I hope I'm not around to see it because I'm going to remind you the time you told me. I headlined the five years. Okay. And it could be done. It's like BJ Peng, I don't do J-J2 Blackbattle five and a half years. All those goals

could be done. I'm talking about I always don't know because it's a good headliner because I'll be honest with you, I didn't become a good headline I thought I was doing it for 18 fucking years till I got headlining. Oh yeah, I could do 50 minutes. Any fucking moron could do 50 minutes. I give some girl a hit of ecstasy in three bumps of Coke. She'll do

50 minutes about her family right in front of us. How she got molested, how she went to summer camp, and they did this and every fucking woman. Anybody could do that. I'm talking about putting together 50 creative minutes that flows and you feel a different confidence up on

stage, that's headlining. And a lot of people really don't get that. Yeah. You know, I got it and I understood it. You know, when I got made regular at the store, first thing I did was become the host on Sunday nights, whether it's the first hopes or the second host. I fought for that position. I did it for five years. Every Sunday, if I was in town, I was at the store hosting, watching new talent and just working out, I always wanted to keep myself hosting. Even if I would headline somewhere, I come back and I'd host at the store because I always knew that was the most important position on the field. That's the quarterback because once you learn I control the show, you got it. It's just a matter of time before all the dots connect and you start hitting home runs.

And now you have a career as a stand-up. It's very important to keep yourself grounded, anything you do. And that's how I kept myself grounded. Here I was at Indianapolis headlining some C-room and getting, you know, doing good. and I come back to the store on Sunday and bomb. God damn! It's time to fucking get back to paperwork. Talking to paper,

give me the paperwork for this thing here. You wish you could just erase that from your history, right? But you can't. That's what makes you that much better than the next guy. I got to talk to you people. Fear, anger, stress, anxiety, depression, sleeplessness. These things all begin in their head and they can wreck your fucking life. But it doesn't have to be.

that way. You can make a major difference in just 10 minutes a day. This change comes to guided meditation with the new app, the new Headspace app. Headspace is meditation made simple. You listen to, you talk on me going, Joey, what are you talking about? Let me tell you what I'm talking about. When I wake up at 4 in the morning and I go outside, I put the coffee up and I sit there, I sit there for an hour and I don't put the TV on. I put a notebook and I put it in front of me with the coffee come and I got a pet and I write down these stupid things war whatever candles you know and I find myself crying some mornings or giggling by myself you know I go through all these emotions and it's maybe the way I meditate it's just a little time for yourself that you don't hear nothing you're just

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Take 10. It's just 10 minutes a day for 10 days. You can do it anyway. You go in the bathroom. You can do whatever you want. Also, do me a favor. Reference Andy Puttercombs, TED Talk, which has 5 million views.

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The web page is interesting. It's interesting shit, man, unless you go to it, just do me the favor. Go to headspace.com slash Joey and read around. That's it. Start with that, all right? What do you want from me, Lee? Hey, it's a holiday season. New Year's coming.

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You gotta stop and ask the kid He don't fucking know Should I get Argentina, Chile Where should I look for? And now you end up buying shitty wine Should I go local? No more No fucking more

Right This is how for 9,000 years We've been drinking wine That's how long we've been making wine And that's how long people Been confused about what wine to drink Some people get a headache After they drink wine

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I want to thank Hittiesig. I want to thank my uncle Mike, especially my girl Esther. Joey's Church. Cool. That's your code, man. You really impressed me the other night. I really,

I always like you. Thank you so much for bringing me. made me fall in love with you. You asked me for the date, and I said I had it available with the Agostino. I took you down there. I'm sorry about you sitting the car, but you really impressed the shit out of me. So if you have any club dates you want to promote right now, while you're here, that you remember. Yeah.

I love for you that's just say a couple. I mean, you're a great lady. You know, we had a good time. Oh, we had so much fun. Thank you so much. I felt bad at night not feeding you. I went to eat that night. I was fucking starving.

Oh, my God. I was starving. I only got two eggs of bacon and some fucking wheat toast. I know. We were all starving, but we didn't want to stop. Stop the driving. January 6th, I'll be in Delray Beach, Florida at Catch a Rising Star. January 12th.

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Uh-huh, yeah. What y'all want to do? Want to be ballers. Shot callers, brawlers. We'll be dipping in the bins with the spoilers. On the low from the Jake and the Torres, trying to get my hands on some grants like horace. Yeah, living the raw deal.

Three-course meals. Spaghetti. Cheney and Bill, but still, everything's real in the field. And what you can't have now, leave when you will. But don't knock me for trying to bury. Seven zero's over in Rio, Degenery. Ain't nobody's nero, but I want to be heard. On your hot nine, seven, every day, that's my word.

Swimming in women with their own condominiums. Five plus fives, who drive millenniums. It's all about the Benjamin's what. I get a 50-pound bag of for the mutts. Five carrots on my hands with the cuts. I want a peeing crows out with the clutch Drin'rude'r. Drinking more liquor, driving a bro vigor

I'm with mo'-sippers, watch by gold diggers, rocking bajor dynums with gold zippers. Lost your touch, we kept owls, popping crystals, freaking a three-quarter reptiles, Enormous cream, forest green, Benjee for my team, so while you sleep, I'm a scheme. You see-through, so why nobody never gonna believe you. You should do what we do.

Stack chips like, Don't let the melody intrigue you, cause I leave you. I'm only here for that green paper with your ear. I'm strictly trying to cop those. Colossos size Bacos. And how poppy flip up outside those gotos. De end up with cash flowing like sosa and the Latin chick.

Uh-huh, yeah. Stampeding over prop modes, never sober. Flexing rain rovers. Up here will be Minnesota. Avoiding arcs with camcorders and Chevy Novers. Stash in a building with this chick named Alona from Daytona. When I was younger, I want the boner. But now only hit chicks who win beauty patterns.

Tricking and taking me skin at the Aspen's on Gangsta Mint House Stay popping Chris down By it's a battling a ac coop that's off-ground Pinky ringing Gondolas with the man singing Italian music down the river with your chick clinging To my buzz if player you mad for Act a hard when you was f*** as rude pose Come on

Tell me about the Benjamins baby Uh huh yeah What y'all wanna do? Want to be ballers Shot callers, brawlers Brawlers We'll be dipping in the bins with the spoilers On the loaf With the blood clop

Want to bumble with the bee, huh? Biss. Throw a hex on the whole family Dressed in all black like the omit Have your friends singing This is for my homies And you know me For making it so sick

Lost in my six With the lefts on the wrist If it's murder You know she wrote it For your Deep Lord Know you want to feel the rule Because it's platinum-coated

Take your pick Got a remote a y'all should have told it. All that fucking kick, player hating from the sideline. Why you ride mine? I'm a good fella condolate. Stasht as he aids and Mercedes. Puffy, hold me down, baby.

Only female in my crew. Then I kick shit. Ah, ah, ah, come on. I've been hit skills, Crystal spill, hot bills in Brazil. About a meal of ice grill, making it hard to figure me

be kicking me in my hole. Undercover, Downing Grass School. My East Coast girl, the Bentley, the Twirl, my West Coast Shorty, Push the Crows 740, rock a red man and naughty, all in my kitty cat. Yeah, you're in the bra, I'm looking at, and I'm living at life we push. Yeah, well, state, Penn Frives in Penn State. Listen close is Francis, the Prairie Mantis, attack with the, I'm in my left hand,

hit right hand, flip on the whip for the smooth getaway, player haters, get away, on my, too, yeah, cause to you, son of, me, don't tempt me, only to hell I see. Cindy all about the Benjee's why