The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #343 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 24, 2015

 Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Recorded live on 12/23/2015.
   Music:  Happy Christmas - John Lennon Since Ive Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin

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Oh, shit. Once you hear this fucking song, it's over. That's why I'm playing it today. It's over. And so this is Christmas. Or it's just begun. What's happening now? Wednesday, December 23rd, you have one shoplifting day left. And you got to 1 o'clock tomorrow.

What's up, Lisa, yeah? I'm pumped. I don't know why that just got me in the mood. I had the best. As a kid, I grew up, and my dad's, like, best friends always had these great Christmas Eve parties, like this Italian family. And I used to go over and they used to so many gifts. Like, they had someone dressed up as Santa.

they were giving me gifts like 20, 30 people I knew them for my entire life The Lombardoes They're like Where are they now? They still Some of them were with my dad in Florida

Most of them still live on the East Coast But now the kids who were my age Are taking over the family business So it's pretty cool What's the family business Lombardoes they have Food? Yeah they used to be a grocery store

But now they have like a A banquet hall And like a nightclub That's when my dad met the guy So it's just I was always jealous of Christmas As a Jewish kid because Hanukkah's not, I mean, it's okay.

There's more nights, but it's not... You don't get presents like Christmas? No, you do. You still get presents. But it's not... The first time I ever experienced Christmas Day, my cousin married a Christian girl. And I went and stayed over when the kids were like young, maybe five and three

or something like that. How old were you? Maybe high school, maybe just going into high school somewhere around there. no because that was one of the first times I drank so probably like late high school um and Christmas morning I never seen anything like it they had so many toys and they were so excited that they fell asleep under the tree they were just so happy they were just like they fell and they still toys to unwrap and I've always just Christmas is it seems like the best like there's jewish people

now who are doing harnaca bushes so they can have like a hanaca tree and my mom hates it nothing pisses are off more than like a fake Hanukkah Bush. Because it's not real, but it's like... It's just, you know, some people's traditions or the culture. Like, for example, you went to school and the kids are talking about Christmas. You're like, what the fuck are they talking about? So you want to Americanize them in a way, and you get a Hanukkah Bush, and I know where your mom's coming from.

I'm the same fucking way of stickler about that shit. But these kids are Americanized. You have to Americanize. them. Can you imagine going to school and you don't get fucking gifts? Don't get Jehovah Witnesses. They don't celebrate Christmas either. They don't celebrate anything. So those fucking kids

got to go to school next week and everybody's got new t-shirts on and shit. And these kids still got their same muggy fucking clothes on feeling like, you know. I never understood that. I never fucking understood that. Religion is religion and children are children. Religion is religion and children are

fucking children. You know, nothing count. You know, really? Really? Really? You're not going to give gifts because you're a fucking Jehovah Witness and you're a knucklehead that wants to knock on people's doors and fucking bother him. No other religion bothers you at your fucking door. No other fucking religion bothers you. These people come through your fucking door when you least expect it. You're like just sitting there going, wow, this sandwich is great. Don't say you're here and knock. And you're like, you know what? Maybe I won't get it. And you're like, let me go get it. And you open the door and you see them with their three little fucking dudes with a chick at the bottom floor and they got the little brown case that they're going to discuss business where you're like that Trump. And what they want to do is fucking irritate you to the end. You know, the Lord and Jesus. You know what, man? It's fucking Monday at 2 in the afternoon. I'm watching Sons of Anarchy on fucking Netflix.

Catch me. I had them strung out for like six months. You remember that? Yeah, they kept knocking on your door when I was there. I never seen them. I would talk to them for a couple minutes. And then come, I was busy. But you know what?

Come back next week. And the guy would come back and knock again. I'd tell them again. This went on for fucking months. They disappeared. I still see them. They come to the neighborhood. and they sit on the corner and the dispatch

like roaches, like they sit on the corner and they fucking go all four directions and they knock. There's Mormon and then there's one that's always by the bus station or the train station. They always have that umbrella and they have little pamphlets. Do you know those ladies? It's always ladies and always like really dressed really nicely.

Well, now they have them by the park. By the park in North Hollywood. We used to go for the fucking truck, the food truck. I think it's those same people, yeah. They got them there in the daytime. So you're there exercising at 10 in the morning. There's three people sitting out there in the fucking park under an umbrella giving out pamphlets for Jesus,

stop it. Those are homeless people. Give me $5 and go fuck yourself. If I'm homeless and you come and tell me with a pamphlet, I'll beat you with that fucking thing. Like, I need Jesus now. I need $10. Then we'll talk about fucking Jesus later. I see, there's a homeless kid that lives in that park.

And he's a nice kid. He comes over and he's not like a pain in the ass. He came up to me one time at the Roach Coach thing. And I had an ATM card. And I had already paid, but I had the baby. And he came home and he's like, I'm homeless. Can you help me out, Joey? And I go, dog, I have $3 on me.

I'll give you the $3. You're halfway there. You know, I got the baby and the wife with me. If not, I go to the fucking bank. I had, like, an ATM that day. Oh, okay. And then I saw him another time and had to go meet somebody. Like, I was in a rush, and I was driving, and I saw him,

and I pulled over. And then I saw him the other day with my daughter. And he came over and again, I had no cash. I was feeding the baby at the park. I took it to the fucking park to play or whatever the fucking. that was. And you feel guilty, you know, especially this time of the year, you see him. Listen, man, I fucking hate this time of the year. Really? Not that I hate it. It just doesn't feel right to me, you know? And it hasn't felt

right since, I don't know, I don't know. It's just, uh, Josh Puccini, he's a black belt under Eddie in Chicago, runs a really great school, Josh Puccini. And he wrote a, uh, a, a, uh, a, a, Facebook entry today about, you know, while you're jumping up and down, there's people who have lost a loved one or, you know, just having a bad time. You don't have a friend Mike in Texas who I spoke to the other day and he just mentioned. He goes, it's not going to be a great Christmas, you know. And I didn't want to embarrass him, so I just sent him like 200 bucks just to get, you know, a fucking sandwich or something. I know he's got a kid, you know. I know what it's like to be fucking just busted

at Christmas, you know, busted at Christmas. It's a horrible horrible feeling. You know what the best Christmas I had was? I tell you my best two Christmases. When I was seven, I went to the bar with my parents. I had heard all these rumors about no fucking

Santa Claus. There's no Santa Claus. There's no such fucking thing of Santa Claus. There's no shit thing of Santa Claus. And I went to the bar with them, and we were having a great time. And when we got back to the fucking apartment, when we than 205 West 88th Street, the fucking house was covered with toys.

And I know both of them didn't leave my fucking side all night. So I really bought into the Santa Claus thing, the house. I still remember we lived on 205 West 88th Street and they moved the dinner table and put a tree in the middle of living room. It was fucking amazing. One thing about my mom

was she had the uncanny gift to make those holidays even better. There's some people who do that. Like, they really know how to make those holidays even better. they really dive into it, you know. And she was one of those people, not just Christmas, birthdays, you know, little things. She really knew how to make them better.

And then the best Christmas I had, the Christmas I realized what Christmas was about was the Christmas I spent in jail. Best Christmas in my life. Those are two very different Christmases. No pressure. It was really what Christmas was about. I want to see a Christmas where a family goes, you know what, this Christmas, There's no expensive gifts. There's nothing.

We're going to get together. We're going to eat, but we're not going to give gifts. We're just going to eat and talk as a family. It's amazing how much pressure gifts are, because that's the only reason people get upset during Christmas, yeah. It's pressure. I fucking hate it. I went to the mall to take a picture with Mercedes the other day and my wife

and just walking around. Listen, the trip to New York with my wife, that was Christmas, and I got a ring in New York. I told her going in, pick a fucking ring to match your wedding band. That's Christmas. Now, Saturday, I got to go hustle for her birthday on Monday. Oh, yeah. You follow me?

I'll go hustle for her birthday because her birthday is on Monday. But Christmas, we're adults. We've done all the mercy stuff and stuff, but her birthday is her birthday. You know, and I can't go Christmas shopping. It's against... You've gone shopping with me. You know it's a fast situation. I thought I was fast, but then you either got it or you don't got it, and there it is.

I'm not going to stand here and read it. the directions there. Let's go. You know, so I don't have the patience. The thing about Christmas shopping is you really have to have patience because I really know, I need to know what Lee needs. And that's a real Christmas present. I hate when people give me ideas.

I don't want anyone to give me any clue. I don't want to have wish list. I hate it. I want to find it. Really? Yeah. See, that's what I'm saying. You're such a sweetheart of a guy.

For me, you know what? I like doing that too. But let's do this. let me give you a small hundred you will get it yourself oh i like that that's fine that's too i'm i'm into that too listen cash is a thoughtless gift but not really are you with me like it's a lazy man's gift like my mom used to give me cash but then she'd scour the face of the earth looking for something that i needed combined with something that would tickle my funny bone like something that would really make you happy to happen yeah you carry it for four days with you you

You know what I'm saying? Like that type of shit. When I was younger, I used to love Gibbs, but now this year, when my mom came out, I just said, like, can you help me with a plane ticket for next year? Because I was racking my brain for, like, an hour a day, not an hour day, but over the course of a couple weeks, a few hours, there was nothing. I don't need any. There's a lot of stuff that would be cool to have, but I don't need anything.

I would have a change of life. There's a ton of stuff. I like that. I used to put all these movies down. But now I'm like, I could just watch it online. I don't really like it. I'm going to buy it for. What are you going to buy it for?

It's just, you know, Mercy's a kid. You got a shop for her. Oh, the kids love it. But it's, uh, I always felt that I don't have three weeks to park, go inside stores, walk around, look, or, you know, you know, it's amazing how Amazon and Target and all those delivery people have taken to that shit. And I'm one of those fucking people. If you could order it on Amazon, Amazon's my best friend.

You get geese on them. Amazon, you get oversized geese on Amazon, you could get belts on Amazon, you get kettlebells on Amazon, you get the deed of sneakers on Amazon, you get fucking, I get the really good catnip for the cats at Amazon, I get everything at fucking Amazon. I love Amazon, but I had an issue today where I just thought of some gifts for some kids that I was, I, I Googled toy store. And other than like the hipster classic toy stores on Ventura, there wasn't, you know, There was one in the mall, but there was no way I was going to the mall.

When I grew up, they had, it was called Learning Express. It was a toy store in a little strip mall. Like, I love Amazon and I use it for almost everything. But I do kind of miss, like, just stores like that. There was a chain of toy stores when we were kids. There was KV toys. Okay. Right, okay.

But now you have these independents that, like, everything is fucking $22 more. Oh, you know, and it's not even toys that kids won. It's like the toys that, like, me, like, under the, 30-year-old who wants to go vintage would get. And that's cool, but, like, when I, I found something different. I wanted to get my, my girlfriend's nephews, a fart machine, because I got it when I was, like, eight, and that's how old they are. They didn't have it at Target, so I got them a little fart machine gun.

And it's just like that, like, that stuff, I, like, kid toys are always the best. And I, like, the reason why it meant so much to me a couple weeks ago when he said, like, Uncle Lee to Mercy, like, I, I love, I love hanging out with kids. just being goofy and, like, her nephews, like, liked me last year. So I want to be, like, I had really cool male cousins who are, like, 15 years older than me when I was growing up. So, like, I would love to be that for, like, mercy, and I'm not like, her nephews. It's just, it's somewhat, it's fun. It's, it's different.

When you don't have kids and you have little kids around you and you really enjoy them, it's fun because you go home. Yeah. And they stay there all round up. You give them sugar. and coke and fucking blown shotguns of their faces and there they are with their parents like bye and their parents like Victor Eddie's friend had it when his child was young like four

he was a jit-tuk kid and he was doing all this shit and we'd get him and he'd look at us and go don't get him started if you're not going to get him started and leave don't do it walk away but if you're going to get him started and shut him down then you can have he used to say in Spanish no lo plen dasi no la by God's sorry, which means don't turn it on if you ain't going to turn this motherfucker off.

And you would never turn it off? No, we just walk away and leave them there choking kids at the fucking UFC events and shit. Fucking hysterical. But Christmas is just, I get it. I tell you what I like about Christmas. I like the stucking stuff. Yeah, those little small gifts. Yeah, I like all that shit.

My wife gets me a calendar every year. That's the best gift I get. of a certain thing? Do you like pictures of some things? No, it's a calendar that I put in this book that she got me like 15 years ago when we first started dating so all you have to do is just reorder the calendar now. Oh, it's like a little notebook or something?

Yeah, a little notebook. I'm fucking sad to announce I lost my fucking iPod. Oh, man. Again, again, again. This is my favorite fucking iPod. Ralphie made me a stand from Better Image, learned whatever that is.

Sharp Image. Sharp Image, where you just put your podcast. The thing in there, they blast. They don't even make those no more. So I've got to get rid of this now because that iPod was for that. Go on eBay. You could buy that same iPod event. Really?

Yeah. Brand new? I don't know about brand new. Something like to say brand new. Yeah, but listen, those things, those iPods, the longevity of an iPod is how many times you fucking drop it. Yeah. Okay? So if they dropped it four times, it might be that one drop when I get it.

That's it. So with an iPod, you got to buy them new. You got to get all your drops in. You know what I'm saying? You got to get all. your own fucking drops and I don't want somebody dropping it four times I bring it home I drop it and there it goes fucking Elvis sounds like fucking Aretha Franklin or some shit You don't like having music on your phone because you don't even need to go out today I went to the doctor and I put the fucking I put Santana on in there and it was great I brought my iPod speakers they were fucking great I got my iPod on headphones headphones they were fucking great I just uh when you're on a plane I don't want to use that juice what if the plane goes down need that juice to call motherfuckers

And now I'm too busy listening to fucking Allison Chains like a jerk off. Yeah. So if something happens with the plane, there I am with a half-fucking juiced up fucking phone. Yeah, you're not wrong. Because I want to be Joe Jerk off and listen to music. That's why I like to differ. I like to keep everything different. But I guess it's the way to go.

It was pretty fucking loud. I couldn't hear the needle going into my arm, so it was obviously fucking pretty loud. You could hear the needles? No, it's just a fucking joke. I didn't know if you were like, no fucking needles. But no. So yesterday I woke up a little fucked up over it. Like, I have a child now.

Why don't I feel excited? Like, that's what I felt like. It's like, I have a child now. Why don't I feel excited about Christmas? And last night, I was having a hard time with it. And I kind of, I'm not going to lie, nobody. I started feeling sorry for myself around 8 o'clock. And that's why I left the house early last night.

I had to get the fuck out of the house. They were driving me crazy. Really? Not that they're driving me crazy. When you feel shitty sometimes, and it's a stupid feeling shitty, because I have no reason to feel shitty like this about Christmas. It's just a one-day thing for me, you know?

Just a one-day thing where I get kind of sour. So last night I just left the fucking house early. And then I read Josh Buccini's post, and I remember that this is a hard time of the year for people, you know. And I'll tell you, man, I had some fucking hard Christmases. embarrassing Christmases where you have no money for nobody. And people invite you over to eat and you show up with fucking like a bottle of booze or something or like a bottle of wine. It's just a shitty time of the year to be broke or be homeless or be living on somebody's couches.

And I had all those fucking years. So I know how bad Christmas can be, you know. So I'm going to be periscoping a lot, smoking pot with people. Just fuck it. Will periscope a Christmas movie or something like that? We'll periscope the parade in the morning, whatever. Just to fucking, you know, just fuck around people. There's a lot of people who spend Christmas alone.

Yeah, I was one of those people. What about the guys that spent Christmas alone? No girlfriend. You know what? If you don't get a girlfriend, I'm the second best thing. I'll show you my dick, whatever. I'm periscope. Whatever the fuck.

I don't know. Do you have to show them at? No, but I don't fucking, you know, whatever takes your mind off that thing. I was telling Terry, you know, I was telling yesterday. And that's when it got me. Yesterday at breakfast. I talked to Timmy, my friend Timmy, and his mom died this year. This is going to be the first Christmas around his mom.

So I called him yesterday morning. I told him, you know, I'll call him a few times and check in with him. And when I hung up the phone, I thought about all the Christmases that deep down inside, I felt fucking horrible. But these guys made me forget. Made me forget. You have a breakup. somebody and

you think about them a lot for the first two weeks and one night you go out one of your friends and you get drunk and you giggle and you talk to a few girls and like halfway in the night you're like holy shit I'm not even thinking about it no more like you have to force yourself to think about that person that's how it was sometimes at those guys those Christmases like I thought back

I think in 79 after my mom died I spent Christmas with the Benders and just people in the neighborhood I must have stopped all by Balzano's 80 I spent with the benders and people in the neighborhood. Then 81, I spent with the runnies and people in the neighborhood. You know, because you would eat at your house, and then you'd go to other people's houses and just sit around and watch a game or a bowl game. A lot of people would say, hey, you know, we're eating at 7, but at 9.30 people are coming

over. You want to come over? And we'd go over there, maybe do a couple bumps, maybe smoke a joint in the garage, something, you know. I never forgot those people because they really made me forget. And I think it was still about. 86 when I needed to forget about the holidays. Then after that, I started dealing with them,

and I started making them the best I could. Right. And then when I went to prison that year, that was my best Christmas, because I realized what Christmas was about. The gifts and everything, it's something else. It's a state of mind that you're supposed to have during Christmas. And here were guys in a prison that had the proper state of mind.

I guarantee that those guys were just in shock as I was. And you're in the AIDS unit, right? Well, I spent the Christmas in the Age Unit. Every guy went down and brought food. They had, you know, big TVs. They had a stereo on the Age Unit. The Age Unit was in 1985, 1988, AIDS was fucking rampant. And people were petrify the AIDS.

So these prisoners started suing the prisons because they didn't have normal places of their own. So they had to build a year. unit just for these fucking guys. And it was state of the art. State of the art cabinets, refrigerator. I mean, all this shit. It makes you want to get the Hiv. I was just going to say that.

It makes you want to get the Hib in prison. They had better beds. They had a bunch of better things in their. Refrigerators, freezers. They got to hide shit in there. You know, two or three of them, I think there were six guys in the age unit, five guys. Two of them were still shooting dope in there. And we already have it.

The AIDS might as well go down. I didn't frown on them. It was none of my business. They would go in the back. They would have lookouts. But that Christmas I spent with them, I never seen so much food. Like, I was sitting there going, I can't believe I'm in prison. There was tamales and burritos and tacos and pizzas and chili and fucking a cake.

All homemade? How do they get all this? A lot of people brought food in. Like, your family is allowed to bring your food in a certain amount. Okay. So we all put our foods together. And I remember looking around. There was black.

There was light skin black, dark skin black, African black. white you know there was Mexicans Indian Mexicans Chautauqua Mexicans all in the room Now nobody had a beef people were goofing people were joking and men with AIDS and a gay guy And everybody got treated with the us most fucking respect We giggled until about one in the morning laughing nobody at one time said man I wish I had alcohol Man let's go smoke a joint I wish we had joint it was just on your own merit

that's Christmas. That's Christmas. Yeah. It's just no gifts. I remember waking up the next morning and going, wow, that was virtually fucking painless. That's the most painless Christmas I have ever had that I learned about something. Was that like your first Christmas back into the holidays or not quite? What do you mean back?

Like you said you gave up the holidays for a while. It's not that I gave them up. The holidays gave me up. You know, I wasn't in there giving presents. What I'm saying was it was the same. state of mind of the holidays. Oh, no, right. I'm saying it was like a nice...

It was the state of mind. I remember looking down the table and seeing, you know, 10 guys giggling, eating. These are guys that are incarcerated. You know, yeah, I had like four years, but there were some guys in that room that had eight years. There was a kid that had DUI, a vehicular homicide. Nice white kid.

Nice white kid. Kid didn't belong in jail, but he killed somebody on New Year's Eve, or whatever the fuck he did. And he was in there. So, nobody was saying nothing. They had Christmas carols on. And it's hard for the people listening to the podcast going, Joey, what are you talking? I'm telling you that it was as simple a Christmas as can be.

But it's amazing how I learned about Christmas by going to prison because it was a bareback Christmas, food and laughter. And that's what it's about. It's that time of the year where, you know what, whatever you're thinking about. And it's tough to say this. Whatever's going on, you have to put it aside. Do you think it has to do with, like, just because when you were saying, like, your mom passed away, I had, like, a little mini panic attack because now my mom is, she's doing fine, but she's getting older, so, and then it's getting to be more real that eventually she's not going to be there. And, like, I was just thinking if, if I lost my mom, like, the only thing I'd want is to spend it with her. Like, I wouldn't want, who cares about presents?

So is, like, that maybe why, like, you didn't care about the presents. You just like the being with people? No, man, it's just Listen, I'm not even talking about a mom Lee, you could lose an uncle that was great on Christmas And Christmases will never be the same And Uncle Vito's again, an Uncle Luz again Or the Carbon Alas, what's the name?

Oh, the Lombardo's. The Lombardo's. God forbid, I'm just saying that It's always something. Everybody has a trick, either you do or you have something going in. We all dread that first holiday without that loved one. Yeah.

And people listening today, I guarantee there's three or four people listening to the podcast, maybe five that are going to go into holidays without that loved one. And you're dreading it. You're dreading it. Every time you fucking think about it, Jesus Christ, you have no idea. You have no fucking idea. But it's like I said in a documentary. When you care for somebody, a blood one, you know, and they go on the holidays,

or they go with the holidays, they go. sometimes your life isn't the same as far as like what I told you on the documentary. It's like eating. It's like there's no taste in my food. There's no salt in my food. After my mom died, that's what it felt like about life, that the salt had been taken out of my life. Yeah, I continue to live on. I continue to do things and do bad things and do great things and good things.

But what was I saying? What after your mom passed away? That's it. that I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. I'm so high right now. But it's true. We forget. And I know a lot of people listening and lost one.

Listen, man, it doesn't matter. You dread that fucking day. And when that day is over, you're so happy. I mean, nobody gives a fuck about New Year's. You think about that person on their birthday, your birthday, and the holiday. And then there's always that one holiday that they went out of their way for. Let's say they were good on Halloween or the 4th of July. Every year, Halloween, you go, fuck.

She'd be here right now. having a good time, you know. And I feel, I feel for anybody who's lost a parent, trust me, it's not going to be as bad as you think. Say a prayer for them when you wake up that morning, spend five minutes by yourself on the side, thinking about Christmas, what Christmas would have been like, and then just dive in. And throughout the day, you'll get little shocks. And at one point of the day, you might even be drawn to tears. And you might have to excuse yourself. Nobody will see you do it. Just go to the bathroom, put some cold water on your face. You know, Pick up your chin, pull down your shirt, and go back out there and live with it, deal with it,

and just hope that they're watching, and they're there with you. Their spirit is there with you, and that's what you go for, you know, for Christmas. Christmas sucks for some people, but we make the best of it. We smoke a few joints, you eat a few lobster tails or a ham sandwich or whatever you. Listen, on Christmas, you can make a ham sandwich taste like a lobster tail, you know? Just some Chinese food, but it's amazing. What are you doing Christmas Day? You're going to swing by.

Yeah, I'm going to swing by. I don't know, because they don't do much on Christmas. Like, I'm going over for Christmas Eve with them. But have you ever seen on Facebook? They have these Facebook groups like Jerry Island and, like, other stuff like that. It's like just a group of people. They added me to one, and I don't really do much on Facebook, but they, like, there's these people doing, like, a secret Santa. Like, they're sending gifts all over the country, and, like, they do all these videos.

And, like, it really, it's cool to me because I was one of those guys. like a nerdy guy like they all seem kind of nerdy a little bit and maybe they don't have a ton of friends where they are but with the internet now like especially with you're going on periscope like people are staying in touch now you don't have to be alone it doesn't matter if they're next it doesn't matter you don't have to be alone you know you have a and that's this more afternoon after I went to perennial and bought that gorilla glue I smoked some on fucking periscope and as I was doing it I said wow tomorrow if everybody buys some weed and Friday we'll get together a few times we'll smoke i read the

fucking comments i answer back you know we'll just do it for like 10 minutes here 8 minutes here not to be johnny annoying but just to give you a break just to give you a fucking break man that's it yeah i'm not saying i'm gonna fucking whatever i guarantee it's better than just fucking sitting there like i'm looking you

be helping me out because maybe i'll be going through my own shit at the time so i'll say you know what i don't need this shit let me go smoke a joint on periscope with these fucking savages of savages So we were talking about that two weeks ago I got up early one morning And I went to the store And the way back I parked the car

And I was talking to somebody And I ran up the stairs And I must have held my breath And I got upstairs in my world Like I had to run to the bathroom And take my shirt off and sit And I couldn't sit I was getting anxiety attack

This is when I used to have these breathing things Before in Jiu Jitsu When I first joined Jiu Jitsu Oh my God I was getting these horrible anxiety attacks so I stopped eating edibles before jiu-jitsu and I stopped smoking pot and sometimes it would do it to me when I was weightlifting you know like if I'd be doing the deadlifts or something like I'd go a little one extra and I would miss my beat on the breathing and I would get and it went away you know I went to

see uh this doctor and she told me what to say when I got those feelings and it went away and all of a sudden two weeks ago it came back again and then it came back Sunday at jujitsu but it really fucking hit hard. Yes, they're kettle about glass. Yeah, that was strange. It was weird. Because we had just started and you kind of like went to the side

and like we're holding on to things. It was scared. It was fucking top. I could not breathe. And the anxiety level goes up and it's been teetling. I had the anxiety attack at the store and I got to be honest with last night

when I got to the door of the store, I got anxiety. If it wasn't for Saratiana talking to me, she threw it off. Now I went to acupuncture. yesterday and I talked to Dr. Amy and I told it stick a couple extra needles in me for the anxiety. So I had already an doctor's appointment tomorrow. I was going to go talk to him to see if I have ringworm.

It's not ringworm. I showed him to him. It's just a rash. Okay. I thought you scared me with all those diseases you fucking get. So the other day I get to stay on my knee and I'm like, that's ringworm. I didn't touch your knee. So I went to the doctor and he goes, it's not ringworm.

And I said, look, doc, let me tell you what's going on. I told him my situation. He gave me an AKG and he drew some blood this morning. I was supposed to go to jih Tzu this morning. I stayed at the doctor's office until 11.30. So I'm waiting for the result. Before I left the house, I heard the computer go off, and he sent me the result to the AKG.

And he says that it's a first degree something in a valve, electricity, but he goes, it has nothing to do the symptoms I was saying. So that's why he called for a complete screen and my thyroid and everything the fuck else. Let's see what happens. I didn't faint. I didn't feel the fucking needle today, G. This black woman, there used to be a black woman there that used to wear a wig,

like different colored wigs, like blonde wigs and blue wigs and purple wigs. She's not there no more. The chick that replaces a thicker wig, like Aunt Jemima, like a black, a thicker. She's beautiful. She's fucking beautiful. And she's sassy and shit. The dog, I don't feel her fucking needles at all in my arm. Because she talks to you or something?

No, I put Santana on her. I only put San-Tan on. Yeah, she tells me, you ready to put your earphones on? I put my earphones on. I give her my arm. And, I mean, she does it like that. quickly, no bullshit, no chitter-chatter, no, when she comes in,

that bitch is ready. When she ties that fucking junkie strap around my arm, I know it's time to go down to the fucking murky waters. Didn't even get anxiety, nothing. Oh, well, hopefully that's good, like with the acupuncture. It helps, but how, like, does he seem worried about your heart? No, we'll see tomorrow with the blood test. He says, he's going to give me the results tomorrow and morning.

No, you sent me a thing. He sent me the results of the EKG. He goes, no, that's sleep apnea type of shit. Oh, okay. When you have sleep apnea, it wears on your heart. And all those years you don't wear a machine. It really wears on your heart, all that snoring and stuff. Oh, really?

Yeah. So that's why if you have sleep apnea, they want you to take care of it as fast as you can. But nobody knows they really have sleep apnea. So, you know, they just keep thinking, oh, I don't have it. I just keep waking up. I think I did when I was heavier. I don't know if I still knew. Like, Paula, I used to have to wear headphones, head, earplugs.

Really? I used to snore. Yeah, I used to snore. You don't snore no more? No, she doesn't have to wear the earplugs anymore. So, I don't know, maybe it's less. Yeah, it's less. You lost 100 pounds, so it's a lot less.

So that's, yeah. I used to never fall in and fall asleep on planes. I'd be embarrassed. I would be like, I don't know if I, I don't know if I snore. I don't know if I fuck. You pay for that plane ticket. That's your space in the air. Fuck him.

If you snore, I hope you brought earphones, bitches. Everybody's got earphones now. Yeah. Very seldom. That happened to me on the plane. I got thrown off a plane. For doing what? Fall asleep and snoring on a plane so loud before the plane took off.

Before the plane took off, I did one of those like you're choking, and the fucking people around me got up and the stories came home. She's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, why? She goes, you were just choking at that? You can't do this. What's wrong with you? And I got to sleep back. And she goes, you can't fly on this plane like this.

I had done like one day without sleeping, like one of those shows. Oh, no. Yeah. And I get back up and I got to fly at four. It was 5.30 or something out of Houston. and they put me on a later flight, man. They were scared. Jesus.

Yeah, I got thrown off the fucking plan. I mean, I was choking the death. In those days, Terry taped this for me one time. And she's like, you gotta hear this. And she taped it a long time ago. And you had to hear this. You had to fucking hear this at night. It was horrendous.

Horrendous. Jesus. I was always people, I had a girlfriend with Corby once too. And I never knew. People used to say you sound like you're choking. I was like, I don't. People, like, I never woke up, not being able to breathe. but it sounded like I had sleep apnea.

That's the worst. That's the fucking. You would wake up? Oh, you have no idea when you wake up and you're out of air. Oh, no. And you've got to fly off the bed and get up. So would you just sleep on your stomach? I wouldn't sleep.

I would sleep two, three hours a night. That's it. I was looking fucking terrible. I saw one of the pictures about a month ago. Terry showed me. She goes, I want to show you when we first started dating and what you look like when they were sleeping. happened. He just wouldn't believe it.

He just wouldn't fucking, I was really swollen. Just swall, like how big were you do you think? Swollen. I was 360. 350, 360. It was 2001. Easy 360. Yeah. Terrible health. No working out

whatsoever. Not even the fucking bicycle. Nothing. Nothing. Years. Sometimes I would jump in a pool at a hotel. Sometimes. But besides that, never fucking worked out, never walked, never did nothing. Would you have used the little hoverboards if they were out there? No, no, no, that's a fucking, fucking momos. No, I don't do that shit.

I never did nothing. I drove to the comedy store and I drove back. That was it. My wife went to the store and got cigarettes. I stopped the 7-Eleven and got them from time to time, but I wouldn't walk. I didn't believe in walking at all. Why not? It was just too hard.

I would make Rogan drop me off in front of the hotels. I got to park over there. You're going to fucking drop right here. You better not park over there. You better drop my ass off right here. You want to be an Olympic walker, do it on your own time. You drop me off in front of that fucking hotel. These motherfuckers used to walk a mile away and walk.

Fuck you. I don't need to walk, Jack. Right there, drop me on. Joey, but no, I don't give a fuck. I ain't walking. That was the worst part about Vegas when I see big. Because Vegas is just non-stop walking. I wouldn't.

Dog, I wouldn't leave my room. room in those days. There was no where to fucking go. Once I had to blow, I was sit in that room to showtime, and right after the show, I'd run back to that hotel, locked that door and do fucking powder. I was in horrible shape, man. That's why

that sleep happened. You overtook me that strong. I used to fall asleep and burn the carpeting with cigarettes and joints. The carpeting in that apartment, I had to buy new carpeting. Jesus. I had to fucking buy new carpeting for the whole living room. Did you ever set the floor on fire?

my God. Terry came out one night and caught it just in time. The bottom of it had gone through. It was just basically a lot of times I would just drop the cigarette and fall asleep for 10 minutes or something and then catch it and put the flames out this night. It burnt through the carpeting and started burning that shit underneath. Oh, Jesus. And it was like from 1920s, so the stuff was fucking and she woke out and smelt it. And she was pissed. I bet. At that time, there had to be guys, I'm not lying to you, 40 burn marks in the carpet.

And what would your excuse be? I fell asleep. She knew I had sleep at me. In those days, I used to go to bed at 2 and wake up at 3.30. And I was up. That's it. Up. Would you nap later on the day?

What nap? What would I nap for? To wake up choking? Jesus, not getting asleep, is not good. No. And then I went to Little Rock, Arkansas. And I fucking had to get picked up. You know how the club picks you up in the front of the hotel.

I was like, be down at 745. We'll pick you up. I sat on the couch and I fell asleep And I started making those noises And some guy woke me up And he says he gave me his car He said I'm a physician Do you live in town?

And I go no He goes listen man We just sat here and watched you You're gonna die That's exactly what this guy said to him He goes I could tell by the color of your skin You're not getting oxygen You have no oxygen in your blood

He goes I want you to Go to the doctor when you get home. This is an emergency. You will not make the month. Really? He told me I was not going to make the month. He goes, you're choking in your sleep, and he started asking me questions, and he looked at me seriously in the eyes, and he's like, here's the deal.

You have sleep bad, but yours is extreme. Not to mention, you're overweight to the gills. He was like, I hope you're not embarrassed by me saying this, I'm angry with me. He goes, you're really overweight, and he goes, and you're. You're just telling me that your blood pressure is really high. And I was lying to him like, oh, it's like 140. He goes, no, it's not. He goes, listen, let me take your pulse.

And he was taking my pulse. And he's like, listen, your three-quarters dead. You don't even know. You're going to have a heart attack. Because every time you do that, you get stuck, your heart does something. Not that it stops, but it puts a strain on your heart. Jesus Christ, just in a hotel lobby? So, dog, I got home.

I told Terry. Terry fucking called, and she went down. I mean, I held my hand throughout the whole fucking thing. Because I kept saying, if they give me one needle, I'm out of it. And you were just going to take it? Just be like, yeah. No, I was just going to go down and see what they said. And then they did the thing.

Then they sent me in for a sleep study where you have to put the machine on. They take the air off and they see where you choke. And now they know they give you an accurate number. And then I got a machine. And I tell you, man, within 60 days, it changed my life. You have to take care of this thing. Maybe I should go get a check down? No, no, because you're losing weight now.

And it's just weight around here. That really helps. Oh, okay. It's just weight around your neck, you know, if you lose that. You know, when you have 19 fucking necks, that don't help nobody. You know, I got this little chicken neck there, but that's from being old. That's not having the fucking 18 fucking necks. My neck, when I look at those pictures, you ever see my driver's license?

My neck is huge. That's the worst part about a picture. It's the best. I hate it. No. So if you have to sleep apnea, you really, really fucking have to take care of. You don't know what I went through with that thing. You have no fucking idea.

And now I have it down to a science. I don't put it on unless I go to sleep. I don't go in the bedroom. There's a science behind. People won't use it because they train to do it wrong. The guy that trained me, Jimmy, I still communicate with. 15 years later, I still talk to my sleep back near coordinator. I send him presents from time to time.

He comes to my shows when I'm in Orange County. He came to Irvine. What do you do? How did he help you? Because he told me the process. The process isn't just getting your machine and going home. It's like the numbers are staggering. How many people go home, get the machine, get the fucking sleep study,

and then put the machine on and feel uncomfortable. Because of the mask? Because the mask. Okay. And then they give up on the mask. And then they sleep at me and they get all the problems. I come with it. What I did was he told me all these little things.

He goes, I don't want you to go into that bedroom until you're going to go to sleep. He goes, I'd rather you fall asleep in the living room and walk in and put the mask on than go in there and put the mask on and try to fall asleep. Because if you're that tired, you're not going to give a shit if it's a little tight. Right. Oh, okay. Yeah, my dad tried it once, he said. He said you couldn't deal with the mask.

No, he couldn't. People can. And then they either do the mouthpiece or they have to lose way to do the surgery. You know, there's a bunch of different options. The surgery is just your two-time, it takes you out of the game too long. the recovery is painful the older you are the worst it is they gotta open up shit rogan had it but he didn't have the full sleep at me anything they just cleaned out his nose oh for him to breathe with him which i need to do i need to clean out my fucking nose to breathe

better that's another issue i have just what just i don't know what they do i don't know what the process is called i kind of wanted to get my ears done i think that's wrong where you use nothing just get like the wax taken out Well, then you've got to go to a place You don't clean your own ears every day Well, I do, but they say don't use Q-tips They say, what you clean their mouth with No, that's what I use sometimes

But they, like, I've seen videos They have like these little scrapers And they just go in And I'm like really get it out of there You watch videos on people cleaning their ears What's wrong with you? I don't search it out, but people post it on Facebook Listen, man, Q-tips suck

Q-tips are the biggest rip-off days because everybody knows a big pen is the best thing you can fucking get the clean eye you is the cap of a fucking big pen takes all the chunks out it pisses me off when you go home take a shower you come out of shower you fucking the reason why i use cutips is to take the moisture out of my ear excuse me that's why i use cutips for to take the moisture out of my ear so you don't get an infection so i don't get those fucking ear infections from swimming that's what happened to me i leave the water in there so now i take it out sometimes i get in the car and have fluid in my ear and it's fucking i'm fucking pisses me to fuck off. So I got Q-tips in the car, not there. But you would never get it, like, scraped out? If it was that fucking bad, but I take care of my ears. I mean, I get pissed off when I put a Q-tip in there. I see wax.

Yeah. Because I just clean it this morning. Where this fucking wax come from? Where this build-up come from? Sometimes you forget, you pull out, like, a fucking purple chunk. That shit's disgusting. But they have places now where you could steam clean your ears or something? Yeah.

How much are they? I don't know. I can look it up. Have you ever done a... What's a hydro? colon thing like they cleanse you? No. You would never do that? Listen.

It was bad enough putting the camera up my asshole and taking the pictures for the colonoscopy to do the colonic. Yeah, that's what it's called. Calonic, when you stick a coffee colonic up your ass, the tube, and then they clean you out. I would consider it. It's just embarrassing. My ass smells. I got to bend over and let somebody put a tube in your

ass. If I could do it myself, I'd do it. That's just a little embarrassing. And then seeing people who comes out of your stomach, there's chunks, legs and chicken bones. God knows what comes out of your stomach with that subway sandwich. That's what I was just, I was thinking, like, all the fast food I used to eat.

It might be, like, I almost, because didn't, like, Elvis have, like, 50 pounds of, like, shit? I don't know. Now, where can you do a colonica around here? I've seen it. I've seen a sign. Yeah, I've seen a sign. Yeah, I've seen coupons for it, which kind of scare me.

But, yeah, I don't know. I've just thought I've thought about it. I'll tell you, if you're going to do one, Groupon is the fucking way. I can't, you don't. You don't think that's like, why are they on Groupon? Like, I want to pay like full price for... Because there's 20,000 of these things.

Listen, there's a thousand great jihitsu schools. Ten of them are in Groupon. Even Cobriene. Cobriene's got one of the best schools in California around here, and he's in fucking Groupon. Okay. But you could only use it for certain classes at Cabranias. Oh, okay.

You know, there's certain things. When I got my toenails fucking blow torts to get the fungi out of them, what do you think I got the special from? Fucking Groupon. Where do you go to get fungi? I'm been tour boulevard right there. and Sherman Oaks. Is it like a salon?

It's a salon. It's like a tattoo removal. They do everything there. They got a blowtor. That blow torch burns everything down. No, you go in the back, you take your socks off, and they put like this air conditioning tube on your toes. Okay.

So your toes get cold, so you won't feel the torch. They have a little, like it's a fire torch. It's like a little torch that, like a laser. It's a hot laser that burns the fungi under your nail. And then I'm supposed to put ointment on my nails after the shower and keep them clean and shit. My nails look like fucking debt. What happened? I don't know.

I don't know what happened. So I told the doctor today, and he says he's going to look into giving me a pill to kill that fungi. But that's what he gave me the blood test for to see if I had any funguses, what the extent of it is in my blood system or whatever, which I do. I do have a fungi. That's why you get that fungi now. There's a fungi that lives in your fucking toenail. A lot of people don't know that shit. Now you know, cucksucker.

I had no idea that the fungus is just, isn't there a commercial for that? Like, Loterman? Yeah, Locherman. There's a stuff, but I'm beyond Loachman. It fights it off. Oh, God. It's, it's, the nail swells. Oh, God.

And the fungi goes under the nail, and you have to get like a thing, soak your nail, and then take a clip and take those things out. And I save them. Fucking throw them at people on a plane, no, you don't. You just, I just fucking, whatever the fuck. You ever. I asked you a question. Oh, yeah. What do they smell like?

Horrid. So let me ask you a question, because I did not know about this. Somebody asked me the other day, and when Esther Koo was here, they asked me, what happened? What happened? What Anthony Kulme here? I think he just, I haven't seen a follow to it, but the article I read said his girlfriend started parascoping, and she was like, he hit me, and he was like, get out of my house, and then it cut off, but then he, I think he got arrested.

But he did a show, so he must have got bailed out. I can look it up, see if there's... No, no, he made bail. I saw something on the news. Anthony Coolmeier from Opie and Anthony, he did his girlfriend. And I, you know, like, when you're involved in something and you see it online, but you don't digest it?

Yeah. That's what happened to me. Like, I didn't really fucking digest it, but it happened. Yeah, it's great. And then I didn't listen to all of it, but then there was a thing with Opie and Jim that were fighting about, about Anthony a little bit.

So, and that he doesn't seem like he's that nice of a guy. I don't know what happened. Pinned her against the wall and strangled her. Tremendous. And then stomped on her hand. No, he didn't. That's what it said on CNN. Hmm.

Jesus. I wish him luck or whatever happens there. She was like a drunk something. She was drunk or something. Were they drinking? Probably. Yeah, I mean, it said it was after an argument. argument and were they in a bar no they were the house they're out of his house and see if there's

anything else well I wish him luck that's always a tough one to get out of I had one of those it's a fucking nightmare some drunk chick comes over your house yelling so but it was his girlfriend yeah okay then it's not a drunk chick I'm sorry uh no it doesn't yeah it was his girlfriend doesn't say anything about drinking that's messed up it's happening a lot now Did he hit her on Periscope? No, Periscope came after. She was just saying it happened. She hit somebody on Periscope.

You're done. They got you on fucking camera. Oh, my God. It sucks. All that shit sucks when it happens. Jesus Christ. Like fighting with somebody? Oh, all that shit sucks when you have to get involved with people and then the cops come.

So I feel for him. I just didn't know he got arrested and stuff. I thought he got into an altercation. That's what I had thought or read or whatever, but what's the fucking difference? You know what I'm saying? On the occasion, you get arrested? No, and I mean, we don't know both sides of the story. Maybe she's crazy.

Yeah, well, every fucking, you know, there's always two sides. Let me give some shoutouts. First off, I want to give a Merry Christmas to all you motherfuckers that have stuck it out with us. And if whatever I was talking about, hit a court with you, you know, I love you, and I got you back tomorrow. Send me an email. We'll talk about it. Whatever you want to do. I'm at churchgmail.

But I want to give shout-outs to Leon, Constantine Rain, my main man, Waterboxer, Cleo, you know, Ookie Spooky, who I haven't seen on there for a couple days. Maybe she's in jail. You know, Oaky Spooky loves you all that people and shit. The Tuna number one. Michelle Guggenhan, John Wolf J. The Art of Combat, Misty Mayhem, J.T. and Jim Nunya. Jim Nunya was the one that was telling me about YouTube and all that shit. whatever the fuck happened. YouTube was out. When I got home, he emailed me not. Twittered me and said YouTube was fucking out. Why am I stuttering fucking mumbling here? You know what I'm saying? Because he had 600 milligrams.

Well, I had like 200. You son of a bitch. I can't eat 600. I'll fucking get the anxiety attack. I just wanted to just tiptoe around it for a few days, just to see. How long do you know him?

You know I'm back. You know I never give it. up. I just got a double until I get the blood test. And then we'll confirm if they said there's nothing wrong. I'm eating edibles for Christmas Day, bitch. Did you ask them to, like, just get a THC level on your blood?

No, because they're doing it. You should do it. You should just be like, how much is it? Leave those T.HC people alone. What is your infatuation with this THC shit? Leave it alone. I don't want to know what's in my blood. I don't want to know what levels are in my fucking blood. I don't know how many carbohydrates. You want to know if you're going to live or not?

What's that person? I just want to know if you're healthy or not? Yeah, I just want to know what the fuck was causing this. Maybe it's my thyroid, the medication. Because the medication they give me is made from cow thyroid. So sometimes they got little of cows than bigger cows, so they give you the wrong amount. So maybe that's it.

So he's going to look and see what the numbers are. Maybe prescribe a different thyroid medication for me to either speed it down or shut it down, whatever the fuck's going on, my thyroid. I told you what happened last night, right? At the store? Last night was fucking... craziness.

I'm jealous. It was just craziness. But it was something that kept me up and woke me up early this morning. It really was. The art, when people really like you, you could say whatever you want. When people really like you, when you got them sucked into your world, you could say whatever you want. And nobody has that going. on more than a guy by the name of Dave Chappelle.

I have seen it before, but last night it was fucking spectacular. You know, I was sitting there with the first time I got to the store and they had two special guests. They had Arsenio and Norm MacDonald. Bobby Lee was on stage. Nicky Glazer was on stage. Ari was on stage. Arie was bringing me up. As I'm sitting at the bar, inside just talking to Jerry Rocha, Dave Chappelle walks and he comes all. We start chit-channel about Ohio,

why he lives there. And I go sit down and next, you know, they come in, they go, hey, he wants to go on next. You mind? I go, fuck no. He's Dave Chappelle. I'm happy. I'm here. I'm going to watch him, you know?

And, uh, because you always learn something when you watch those guys, you know. Because there's not a lot of people that I think you would let bump you. Like how do you? No, no, no. Listen, I'm the type of guy that I'm not. I don't play that ego shit. If you have a legit excuse, you know, and you're the man, I don't give a fuck. It's the people that come on and try to give you some story.

I have another spot. No, no, no, no, no. You're going to do this spot when you're supposed to do it. That's it. And they look at you all weird, and they work it out. Because half of those guys will tell you they've got to go somewhere else. When you get off stage, they're still there talking in the hallway. Right.

I thought you had to go somewhere else. Yeah, they just called and they said they were running late. No, they weren't. You just didn't want to follow me. You follow me? You just didn't want to. So don't worry, but don't ask. Oh, okay.

Don't ask. So a lot of people just want to get on stage or showcase, whatever. No, no, no. he's Dave fucking Chappelle, okay? Yeah. When I was an open micer, I paid to see Dave Chappelle in 1993 when Robin Hood and Mettin Tights came out at the Boston Comedy Club with Nick DePaulo and Felicia Michaels and the fucking amazing open mark.

So, and then I got to work with him a few times, and then I did the tour and I saw him, and that's when he was like, where the fuck you've been? And we talked a little about it. And then last night we talked. So I have nothing against the guy. I think the guy's fucking brilliant. Yeah. show was so cutting edge, but nothing.

They have not forgot about him. Listen, I met at the store when Louis C.K. goes out. And I'm at the store when... Chappelle. Chappelle goes up. And I got to tell you, they give more applause for Chappelle. And it's white people. Well, he never, I never, I never see him around.

I saw him right after he came back from Africa. Where? And Aganis Arena, like, B.U. Zerina. And he was, I don't even, I remember all. What did you pay? My friend got the tickets. But I remember, I was sitting in the one joke I remember was like, he was like, how would you like to get like $60 million?

But then someone puts like a big, huge dick on it. I'm like, get the money now. I'm not going to, I can't do what he did. But that's like I just, because that show was huge, the biggest show for kids my age. He was talking about last night that he should have taken the $50 million. Really? Yeah.

He was talking about Cosby, that fucking Cosby. gangster because he's suing the bitches that he raped you know he said some great stuff he's so insightful that's what makes him a good comedian but at the same time it's a time he's put in you know he was an apprentice for a while you know that right he was an apprentice to one of the funniest guys of all time i mean i love charlie barnett i adore charlie barnett nobody has made me laugh more than Charlie Barnett. I've never even heard that name. Put on Charlie Barnett YouTube, and let's go to the screen here.

Charlie Barnett was a black guy from the 70s. He was in a movie called, damn, with Mr. T, and I guess he was doing stand-up, and Michael Mann seen him somewhere, and put him on Miami Vice. Let's put it on the big screen, see where we got, Charlie Barnett. The legend goes that Charlie Barnett

used to take Dave Chappelle with him to Washington Square Park on Sundays. When I was a kid growing up, you could go to Washington Square Park, and there'd be a black guy doing comedy every week for free. That was Charlie Barnett. There you go. There you go. Check this out. And, look, who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? At Washington Square Park.

That's Charlie motherfucking Barnett. Do you think he gave a fuck? Zero fucks. We got a nice village. I love the village. We're going to a nice mixed crowd. I mean, look what we got. We got white folks. We got black folks. We got Puerto Rican. I'm not going to fuck with the... Do you see what I'm saying? This, I just gave you motherfucked as a history lesson. You understand me? Keep playing it. And when you finish, you go, what get past, bro. Because I got into a fight with a Puerto Rican kid and I was winning. I was bouncing around like

the right letter. I was bam, bam, bam. It was only about that tall. No microphone. In a park, in the middle of the park, people. And I was surrounded by a small Puerto Rican family of 4,000. Let me board it, okay? I like pocketbooks. I love pocketbooks. I like the way white women walk with their pocketbook when there's no Negroes around. I don't see no niggers. Dave Chappelle. Do you understand me, people, what you just listened to? Everybody goes to work different. That was his apprentice.

Corcation businessman. I need some white people glasses. Did they do it on the street together? Yeah, Dave Chappelle was in the audience. Dave Chappelle would open for him. In a fucking part. Damn, you can't see shit. That's improv, guys. I'm in charge my, and apart.

Let's go to work. They got their briefcase. I can walk just like the white man going to work. Watch this, white guys. I love when they stand on a corner and go. Now put Charlie Barnett on Miami Vice. We've been talking about. If you've never fucking seen Charlie Barnett, this guy, he died from AIDS.

And it was something, right there, the first one, the front right there. This is when he deals with Mr. Castellano. right here, what's this? This was on the other morning and that's what... You got your Ronald Reagan, you got your Liyahoka, you got your Orodo Rivera, and that's how you stay on top. That's how you get the job done, organization, eh? Tremendous, this is... So I guess he saw him. Look at Charlie Barrett. They're really freaky-looking guys, but I figured somebody wants to move 2,000 pieces.

You ought to hear about it. Can they deliver? I mean, they talk like big business. That was the TV. You know, man, get me the part about the money. The noug man's got plans for the evening. And he needs his cash money, dollar pill. This guy's got a lot on a cabesa, man.

He's going to spend all his dying in his swimming for. He's going to need an underwater camera. All right, bull. Now, maybe you're not familiar with Mr. Costs a lot of style. Rule yourself, Jack! Well, maybe you're not familiar with Mr. Nug Man style. You're not familiar with Mr. Nug Man. Are you fucking kidding me or what?

That's Charlie Barnett right there, the Nuggy. So I guess, uh... Money! And then he got fired when he beat up Don Johnson. This guy was the real deal, ladies and gentlemen. Any other tapes of that Charlie Barnett doing stander? There's one of Chappelle talking about Barnett. All right, put them on.

That's it. Guys, you have no fucking ideas. You have no fucking idea how strong this guy was. I had a conversation with Andrew Dice Clay and Paul Rodriguez. And Paul Rodriguez said he, he, uh, they, you know he uh went to see him in the hospital and that he was still fucking hilarious you started out to speak right was washington was i was gonna telly about that oh to callie bill yeah he doing the fire day yeah hey doing see

what's the manna i'm yeah and uh oh albert and everybody yeah because i mean i went back to new york i saw you in the mountain i was amazed yeah you were uh they used to uh they used to ride the um You didn't cycle. No, that was the... The box, they didn't move the truck, huh? Yeah, and Washington Square Park, man. I'm on putting these spirits, you know, I do pap. I like, I quit drinking and smoking, so I do pap, work, it gets me high, you know?

And we... Really? They said you were here, and we're on... We're getting in right now, but these beers, we're being in about 20 minutes. But we didn't care. Do you want to come in? We didn't care. You were coming in and I had to get you.

How long are coming in, you see you? Yeah, man. You have no idea. So, man. You could see by the first three lines that Charlie Barnett said where he got that little racism eyeball from. You know, when you go up in front of, and when you work with Charlie Barnett all the fucking time and you watch this guy, that was what we just saw was improvised. No microphone.

You know, the microphones are controlled. That's what you've, that's like the whole thing. The reason why you have a microphone is because to show the audience, it's like, I got control. You have control. When you don't have a microphone, you're just any other swinging. dick talking. He was doing that with no microphone. Every Sunday and Saturday.

He'd do that for hours, Lee. How long were the shows? Like 20, 30 minutes? Well, I just tell you. Hours. Well, I thought maybe he'd stop and start him. He'd go eat and Chappelle would do time. And then he'd come back and do another fucking 35, 40 fucking minutes.

That's unheard of Lee. And they did that every Saturday and Sunday. Washington Square Park. I used to go around the corner of a place called McSaw. all these ale house and they would give you three mugs for a dollar and while I was in there my friend would go into the park that same park and buy valiums and heroin and he come back to mcsollies and give me my valiums and he'd take his heroin and go shoot it and I'd eat like two vs and drink three mugs of beer and I'd walk around why it's a square park all fucked up Jesus Christ that

was the old days Lysayette but you know what I watched that and I got to be honest you when I watched it, I'm not gonna lie to you, I had no inclination of comedy in my life at that time. I saw him and I was like, this guy's brilliant, but like in those days, when I knew about Charlie Barnett, I was a fan of Charlie Barnett. Everybody else was a fan of, you know, George Collin and Richard Pryor. I was a fan of Collins and Pryor. But I was a bigger fan of Charlie Barnett because Charlie Barnett had what I wanted. When I started getting into comedy, then I really got into Charlie Barnett because he had what I wanted. He had

something that a lot of people can't do. He could be talking to you to stand up and act and he's all the same person. Now there's somebody who's listening to us like Joey then why act? I don't know. I like what I mean is

he put personality into his characters that he was in a movie. Look up Charlie Barnett on IMDB. What was the movie he was in? Fucking great movie. It's like a Mr. T and a bunch of other guys. He, Chicago Fire,

The Happy Sadman in Black 3, Gabi, Private Romeo. No, no, no, no, no. Charlie Barnett, look him up again. Oh, yeah, that's a other guy. No, he only had a couple credits, like Miami Vice. But he was in a movie about a junkyard or something like that.

Hmm, he's on an IMDV. All right, press, Mr. T. How's that? Okay, hold on. Let's see if Mr. T's been in. Because Mr. T was in the fucking movie with him, that movie. DC Cab. DC Cab.

There you go. Charlie, motherfucking Barnett. So when I saw him in DC Cab, I'm like, wait a second. What year DC Cab come out? 1983. Yep.

Way before fucking Miami Vice. And when I saw DC Cab, I was like, this guy is doing something like he's being himself in his acting. Listen, I acted for years. And I could never be myself until I was in the Marin show.

Do Marin? That's me. That was the first time? First time I was ever Joey Diaz in the show. And Marin, that's when I was me. That's why I really liked that episode, because I got it. After fucking 15 years or acting, I got it. I learned how to put me into a role.

I was always very scared. I just read the lines from the paper and did minimal movement. When I did Marin, I got it. What comedy, comedic acting is. I got it. And if you look at when I did Brooklyn Nine-N-N-N-N-N-9-9-9, I had it, but I didn't want any movement. I just sat in a chair.

So I had to find ways to be it. So I just killed myself and said, how about I just don't move? And just look at him. And don't move and don't only move my left hand. Because you follow me? It's very tough to put your personality into a role. He figured out a way.

And he did the same thing in DC Cab, and he did the same thing in Miami Vice. Even though it was two different characters. He was the nude man on Miami Vice. And he was the new guy. Nogi, but he put his personality into it, which to me is really fucking impressive, man. I love that shit, you know.

Like good actors. Like good actors. So what does it feel like when you're not in the zone? Like, if it doesn't feel, can you not get into it? We saw something this week. We might as well talk to the people about it. We saw the special this week that I was shot in Vegas. Okay.

You did a great job. Salami did a great job. You know who did the shitty job? Me. I don't know. We all have to... I'm telling you. I was just talking to the motions.

When you... If you were to tape Sunday night set, when people left mad, and I was just up there rapping, that's what we should have taped. We actually have salami taped it. It's just like a one static shot of it, though. Right.

But that's... That's who I am. Maybe we'll put that up. That shit I did on the special. That's not me. me. I was doing a special. I was saying the words. It takes somebody, I could have blamed everybody. I could have put the blame on a lot of things on that special, but I didn't. I wasn't in the zone. No matter what you do to it, put sound to it, whatever, we'll release it later in chunks.

Just so they see it, we'll get a bit from it that maybe I wasn't, maybe something I said, but I wasn't in the zone. And I didn't know that until Sunday night. after you had already taped. I knew this going in. I knew this going in. I wasn't in the zone. I repeated lines. Just what you showed me.

I repeated lines. It just wasn't the zone. You're supposed to do a warm-up first and then that. And I just wasn't in the zone. And it's nobody's fault. The last three days I've learned more about stand-up. You always learn when you watch yourself. I don't watch myself because I hate watching myself.

I don't want to ever look at me. Ever. I don't want to hear my fucking voice. I don't want to do nothing. Yeah. But when I sat there and watched that with you, why do I think I left here like my asshole was on fire? Because I went to the car and made notes.

And then I went to the store last night and I had to follow Chappelle. And the same thing happened. I went up there and I did material, but I wasn't in the zone. I wasn't, I wasn't me. I was too caught up in Chappelle. That happens, man. Right. It fucking happens.

It was tough for me the past couple. I was really excited to work on it. And I put, like, I really did, like, I thought a good job. It's a great job. And I have to give you credit because there's a lot of people, like, you brought it up. And Panne Oswald is one of my favorite comics, but he has a special that came out that he has a string on it. jacket and the first thing I said to you after I saw it was how could someone not do that so for you not to release a special that you think isn't up to par I think a lot of people wouldn't do

that some people what I do it's not what I do I didn't put any thought into it I wore the wrong clothes I didn't have a production assistant somebody to walk me through you know we thought people were going to show up on Saturday and never showed up they left this with our dick in our hand you know, we didn't really have a relationship with those camera guys, so we couldn't really sit them down. We had a meeting for how long? 20 minutes. Yeah, and they had a tiny room.

You know when Rhonda Rousey got kicked in the head? Yeah. When Ronda Rousey fell and she got back up and they were talking to her, remember the UFC released that footage, and they're like, do you know where you are, whatever questions they were asking her? You know what Rhonda was thinking about? What?

All the mistakes she did leading up to that fight. That Sunday when she didn't meet the, trainer because she was tired. You think about all the things you didn't do. Okay? And that's what happened when I looked at that special. I thought about all the things I didn't do. I reacted a lot better than I did when I went to meet Kev

because that pissed me off that day. We met with that guy and he was telling me what I wasn't doing. Right. Okay. We did it. We shot it. And that's what the pride is. The pride would have been if we would have backed out of it and said,

nah, let's not fucking shoot it. Like I've done a thousand times. We did it and now we were stronger and we know for the next time. The investment I lost, forget about it. It happens. What are you going to do? We'll make it up waiting. It's, I didn't want to put out a bad product to these people.

It just didn't look right to me. Let's send it to our guy. Let's see what he looks like when it comes back and we'll make a final decision. But just from what I saw, I wasn't myself. Next time when I shoot a special, I don't want to know. You don't want to know what? that I'm shooting this bedroom. Okay.

I don't want to know. I just want to shoot. Oh, that's cool. Because I just don't want to know. I could totally have it. I'm just going to give you money and say shoot a special. Don't tell me where. These are the cities.

You got an option. You just do it on your own. And you show up to all of them to keep tricking me. Don't just show up to one city. I just came to watch. No, shoot it because if you don't, then I'm not going to take you for granted. Okay.

So I don't want to know. The best sets I've had is nobody tells me they're shooting me. And after I do it, They come up to me and they go, hey dog, I shot that. I taped that for you. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. You know, San Diego last Saturday, Thursday, first show was fucking I improv for the first 20 minutes.

And fucking Esther Koo taped it. So she sent it to me. So do you follow me all these things now? And then last night following Chappelle, all those little things are going to make me better. I could look at that special as two things. Let's set it out so I get what I recoup back. but it's not really me. Anyway, you put it, we're going to get a special

from somebody this year. So I'm not really worried about it. Or Joe, the manager, will hook me up with the people who will do the special correctly. And we'll get a live nation joint and we'll do it correctly. Yeah. But to put that out, to insult people,

you know, the people who are going to look at that are people who can't see me in Ireland, and England and people like that. I don't want to fucking, for the $5, I don't want to insult them. I'd rather fucking just light the thing on fire and move on with my life and we shoot another one. That's how you do it. But I'm not going to put nothing. You know, most people release a CD every year.

I release them every two years. Is it because I'm a bad comic? No, because I want to give you. And you just released the CD. The CD, I love the CD. I love Savage Dad. The one before that eaten pussy, that's another thing. That's garbage.

It wasn't my best. The one before that, you were the priest? I love it. I love it. I really do. Night at the Three of Spades, ah, ah, ah. You know. That's a former time.

I still haven't listened to that. No, that's a long time ago. But at least I'm honest. A lot of people tell you that this is great. No, it's not, man. And not every album could be great. Nobody tells me more about bad specials than yours truly you. Nobody comes here every week and goes, oh, my God, I watch this special.

Jesus, it was bad. What was wrong with it leave? They shot it bad. They did this bad. They did this bad. Nobody, correct or no? Right. Yeah.

So that's the fucking other side of this. I want to be honest with people and just saying, and you know, people ask us every fucking day. When is it special coming up? What is this? We got other shit. We're going to shoot people.

So don't, never feel the Reaper. Yeah, and I'm going to finish whatever we have and we'll send it over. We'll see what happens. We'll see what happens. Maybe Netflix will pick it up. Maybe we'll add something to it.

Maybe we'll dope it up. I have no fucking idea. Maybe you can cut it down to like 15, 20 good minutes or something? Even I'll chop it down to 30 minutes. I'm put it on. Do a 15-minute fucking special. I really don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying? I just don't want to release something that they're not going to be happy with me.

I want people to be happy. I want you to be happy. And most importantly, I want to be fucking happy. You know what I'm saying? Right. Speaking of happy, you want to be fucking happy? Underwear. That's what makes me fucking happy.

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You didn't have it before JG2? No, I'm out of it. I have to call them. So I didn't want to call them last week because it was the holiday week. I knew they would be busy with orders so I just said let me hit them up to first and tell them I need more hemp protein more shroom tech sport so when I went to kettlebells you know had those heart

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Go to Annet.com right now and press in. Church. Boom! And they have a bunch of great videos. My dad got a kid-upill DVD from them. He said it's great. It's fucking great. They got great stuff on it.

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You can take to a car. You can take to a casino and smoke away. You're playing black tick. What the fuck you do? Anyway, I'd like to thank me on these.com. The code is at Joey's Church. On it.com, and I want to thank Hitties Sigs. What's the code?

Joey's Church. Joey's Church. And get 50% off, Hitties' Cigs. And that's it, man. Like I said, I'll be periscoping Christmas Eve and Christmas. Leeds coming over Christmas Day, so we'll smoke a joint periscope with you. And beside that, from the church family, we love you all, man. Cleo, all you, motherfuckers.

I love you with all my heart, and I'm happy what you do for me. Talking Lad, who's the main man, if you need a fucking Uber in Vegas before the 31st or New Year's, hit me up on Twitter, and I'll send you Larry's fucking info for Uber, and we'll get you a good taking care of Uber if you're going to Vegas the next 10 days. All right. And that's it. Merry Christmas.

I love you guys with all my heart. Thank you very much. I'm at the Hong Kong in tonight. Inventura, if you want to come on up tonight, 8 o'clock show. They got great pork fried rice and other food. And that's it. I love you guys with all my heart. Savage Dad Tour starts January 28 in Charlotte, North Carolina.

What? What, bitches? I love you guys. Have a Merry Christmas. We'll be back next week or maybe some. Sunday night. We don't know Ari's in town. We might be doing an acid podcast soon. So strap on your motherfucking seatbelts. Again, Merry Christmas to all your families. Love you. Thank you.

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