The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #345 - Jayson Thibault

Episode Date: January 8, 2016

Jayson Thibault, comedian and host of the "Punch Drunk Sports Podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/07/2016.
   Music:  Into The Void - Black Sabbath Strong Enough To Be My Man - Sheryl Crow

The Church of What's Happening now is brought to you by naturebox.com, dedicated to making smart, delicious snacking easy. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking confidently with NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com slash Joey to get 50% off of your first box now. Show is also brought to you by Meandies. Don't start the new year in your old underwear. Make a change and head to Meondies.com slash Joey right now to get 20% off of your first order. So for 20% off of your first order of the world's most comfortable. comfortable underwear, head to meondies.com

slash joey right now. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like AlfaBrain and Newmove. Oh shit. It's a motherfucking Thursday night. January 7th.

The day the devil was buried at sea once and for fucking all. First week of the year is over. It's fucking over. You're still sitting there with a finger up your ass. Why is that? I don't know either But the church of what's happened now

Is always here for you motherfuckers Crank this motherfucker up, Lee Bampan-l-L-M-Han Keep that horse coming, Lee B'A-Ban-Ban-Ban-Ban-Ban-Ban Keep it going, keep it going He's about to go fucking bananas here Ride it out

And I think I'm going to go see him in February February 26 at the farm I think I'm going to wake up that morning Take a hit of this liquid acid Kick it Lee Oh shit There's Espiritos Malos Kick him out of your house and shit

Kick those bad spirits out What? Oh shit When he does acid This is what he'll be seeing When he close his eyes Please don't play this song On Sunday night

Are you doing acid on Sunday night For the first time? Hopefully hopefully No third time All with him I loved acid We're doing it on the fucking podcast I love

acid. Happy New Year, you bad motherfuckers. Joey Dears, Jason Tebow and my main man the flying Jew, Lee Syatt coming directly for my fucking Cabana here in Oxnard, California. What's going on, brother?

I'm doing great. You're feeling good, you're looking good. I had a fucking tough judit class today. I didn't want to go at all. Like, something I'm working on this year is just being more honest and direct. Right now, I hate judo. I don't want to go at all. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It's hard. I'm not good at it.

And it's like, I like the elliptical. I don't really sweat on it. And I like kettlebells. But like, he, Joey called me today. And like, it didn't make me go, but like, talk me into going. And I, I came up here like, I should go back to editing. Like, you, you, like, gave me a talking to. And I'm happy I went. Listen, man, it's not the big things you do. It's the little fucking things you do. That's it. When you don't, I know.

When you, all right, when, all right, listen, you want to fucking quit what you're doing and do a nine to five. And that's fine. That's fine. But you come to me when then you go, you know what? I don't want to do a nine to five. I want to take fucking photography. You have to lead a different life. It's a completely different life.

And people go into shell shot. What do you do now? Well, what the fuck do you do? You have to get those things and put them on coffee shops and say you're going to sell headshots, whatever, for $99.9. You bump into an actor or a comic. You can do free headshots, and hopefully the head shots come out good. It's just constantly moving. You're like a shark.

But along the way, you're going to get discouraged. And what happens, you need a family. And sometimes your family's not there. Sometimes your girlfriend don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So you have this little thing. So what do you do? You go to the gym. You do this.

You do that. you and I both know that if we stop fucking working out, we gain 22 pounds in a week. Oh, easy. Okay, so now you have to start thinking about your future. You're 28. Your metabolism is already three-quarters fucking cut. Yeah, I started off at three-quarters.

At three-quarters. So now, what's your angle? You really mean to tell me you're going to go to 24-hour fitness for the rest of your fucking life. You know what? If you're going to go to 24-hour fitness, you might as well join a martial arts class, and that's your home away from home.

That's your getaway. Every time you hear, no, every time you take some scumbags pictures and he doesn't pay you or, you know, he doesn't like the sweater he wore. You know what? It's going to be fine because you're going to go to Jiu Jitza. You're going to get choked. Somebody's going to choke the fuck out of you. And it becomes a family.

And now, no matter what's going on around you, because even if you're in a program, sometimes you go to a program and you leave there, you go, what a bunch of fucking whiny fucks. 23% of the time. This is where you go and nobody knows your business. business. Nobody knows you do drugs. Nobody knows nothing. All you got to do is do hip escapes and you're going to get stronger. Then you see people that are 60 and they got a black belt

and you're not out beating people up but it's peace of mind. Plus you also see people that used to be you. Yeah. You know, you see people a year in that used to be like, man, all right, that dude talks about he remembers how I feel now and like he has shit together. Like,

all right, cool. Like, you know, you get to hang out with the people to have what you want. And it was nice. I was in a class. I was in a of all blue belts, which is like the next level up for me. And one of them sat down with me because we did like a hard class, like a hard like hour and 20 minute class, our 10 minute class. And towards the end, I just had to like tap out like we were doing some rolling. And one of the blue belts came over and talked to me. I think he thought I was newer than I was.

But it was still my problem what you did to has never been the people that you did to. Everyone's always been nice. It's just. It's hard. It's fucking hard. It's fucking hard. They're not giving nothing away. No.

So what would you rather do? Something that's easy or something that's hard. Ari and I had a great conversation there. Ari and I talk at two in the morning, you know. So let's say I don't do nothing. Which is noon for Ari. It's noon for Ari. Especially when he was in New York.

Oh, yeah. I'd call him at midnight. He's just walking in the fucking door with a slice of pizza. Happy here from me. Happy and the same thing along. Three in the morning. And we were talking about when you're a comic, you go through different phases. You go through the six-year phase, the 10-year phase.

now you start getting a little bit of success. What's success? Not a TV show. People calling you, they're giving you work. They're asking you to be a part of different fucking things. And money work too. And money work. Like, you know, let me give you $150 to feature.

You're like, wow, okay, that's a big show and I'm featuring for a big guy. You're not breaking the bank. You're not telling, you know, when you make a deposit, you know, they're not inviting you to the back room or nothing like that. You know what I'm saying? Come on back here. You know, no, no. It's just something. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. It's just something. And all of a sudden, you make personal decisions like on anything else. This is like, all right, let me put it from the layman's term. One of you motherfuckers opens up an iPhone shop. Joey, what's an iPhone shop? You call in, I fix the fucking screen. You buy a case.

I buy the case. I'd sell charges. You know, you don't want insurance, so you come to see me. And you know what? I don't do too bad at 45 a pop plus 62, 50 an hour, whatever they charge you. You know, in the class. It's like fucking $8,900 a day in my little fucking place. I pay $1,000 rent.

And guess what happens now? Guess what happens 10 years in? Some motherfucker moves in and does the same shit I do for $10 left down the corner. What do you do, Lee? You can't lower your price because that he'll lower his price, right? I mean, what do you do? You live with it. At night, you go home as a business owner now.

This motherfucker wants to open up now. my kids going to college. Like, my kid's two years away from going to college, and this motherfucker wants to open up now. So what do you do? You get insecure. You know, you start thinking about lighting the guy's business on fire and doing a bunch of shit, you know, but you don't think about...

Jewish Lightning. Yeah, Jewish Lightning. You don't think about the essential, Tebow. You don't go like, you know what? I needed that because that means I got to bring my game to the forefront. No more coming in here at 930. The door says 9. Why are you coming?

You know what I'm saying? Like you yourself catch yourself. We all do. We all do go, you know what, man? I've been fucking slipping lately. What the fuck am I doing buying white bread? Like the other day my wife bought white bread. And I caught myself getting, and I go, Terry, what happened to the wheat bread?

I didn't think you, no, what thing? I never said nothing. You don't want that told me that didn't have that route. So you got the white bread now, you bought it again. I don't understand when the fucking rules changed. It was wheat bread for the last eight fucking years. Well, that's the thing for me. And I actually wanted to ask Tebow.

is like, I hate change. Like, I get, everybody does. But I get anxiety about, like, like, I just finished a TV show. I had to pick a new one. I was sitting at home wondering today, like, is part of the issue with getting, like, sober that you're scared of, like, changing? Like, that change scares you? 100%. But I think there's a great saying, which is the pain that you're in has to exceed.

the fear of change before you take the effort. So until you're in enough pain, you're not going to face the, because the fear of change is high. So your pain level is going to be up and down right around there. But the minute that that pain exceeds the fear of change, you're not going to do shit till then. So eventually you wind up in enough pain that you go,

fuck it, man, I'd rather face this fear of change than be in this amount of pain this much. Does that make sense, man? Yeah, absolutely. Like, I had to get to 315 pounds before I started losing weight. That's crazy. And that's a human condition. The human condition is like, I'm in enough pain that I'm willing to face this fear of change, which is huge.

It's huge, you know? So addicts and alcoholics and people like that always have our level of that, you know, difference is much bigger than most people. You'll put yourself through a lot of shit for no reason. Yeah, yeah. Like, cool, man. I'll be homeless and I'll, you know, do whatever. I'll be homeless and sell drugs and sleep on people's couches before I'm willing to change. Like normal people make a change much quicker than addicts and alcoholics do. You know what I'm saying?

I saw this great. Because of all the rain here in L.A., they did this video series, like Fox, with like a couple different homeless people. And like the two or three that they showed were all, like, one was like an engineer before. And one was just a good guy, but his wife died. So he couldn't handle it. And I was just like, I couldn't imagine letting some, like, if Paula died or I'm, I, or if someone died, I'd get sad, but I couldn't imagine letting your life go to ruins. It's just, it's, I guess that's the difference with, like, addiction or, or some, it's.

Oh, it's not ruins. It's that. It's a tough thing. What, you know, what's that expression? One man's pizzas, another man's turkey or something like that. One man gumbo. Trash is treasure. Yeah, you know.

nobody knows how people are going to handle things. It's in Turkey. My father died. My friend died. My mom died. And I'll tell you what devastating to the most. I'll tell you what devastated me the most, the divorce. Really?

That divorce took four years to settle my head and anger. Really? And another five years to get rid of pain. It was a nine-year thing. Yeah. Because I can't imagine how somebody feels when they're in court. and this guy that you mean you killed together. You and I snore a Coke together.

You and I fuck the chick together in the ass and dumped the, you know, just a thousand things we did together. And all of a sudden, one day it ends, and you're sitting in court. And you're facing 25 years, and Joe Diaz is looking at you, telling the court everything he said. You know what, man? If I know Jason Tebow, you think Jason Tebow gives a fuck about doing time? Jason Tebow knew their life.

He knew that someday... Jason Tebow's done time. He's going to fucking do it. time and he's going to you know he's moving this he's he's shooting people he's involved in loan sharking or whatever and now this day has come do you know what tbo's angry about that his best fucking friend is doing this you can't recover from that you some people cannot recover from that from like betrayal that betrayal that's what it is it stings it destroys who the fuck you are you can't wrap listen people fold when they can't wrap their heads around

something. If you understand me, people fold when you cannot. A lot of things happen to you, but when you can't wrap your hand around it, your head around it. You know, when I was 16, I could not wrap my head around the fact that there was a God. Once I buried my mother, I was like, don't you ever mention God around. Do you believe now? Yes. How long did it take? More than ever. How long did it take? Same for me. Whether it's God, a Buddha, a black, a Chinese, a Jew, With a machine gun, there's something out there that shows you the love of your work. And I'm not getting religious here. I'm not being a whatever.

But I see it. Last night, guys, I took a fuck. Last night, I went through a batch of anxiety, so I stopped eating edible. I was just smoking pot. I was having a great time. And last time I'm typing, I'm trying to write, I'm thinking, I'm drinking coffee. And I look over, there's a picture of whatever, me and Terry. But there's a little thing there.

There's a cookie, a pot cookie that's been in there for, like a month. I think it was old. It had... On your shelf? It had mold on it. Only Joey has... It was in a rattle. It was a...

Because I gave it all the way. People gave it to me. I gave it to... And we do get a lot of stuff. Right. So I gave it away and I left this cookie. That was a strong cookie and I cut it. And I ate half of it.

A moldy cookie. A moldy cookie. And I fucking ate half of it. I threw the other half away. Then an hour later I went back and took another bite out of the garbage. You know me. I'm a professional. And then I threw it away.

But the point is, Like at 10 o'clock, I was wiped out and I went to bed. I swear to God, this happened to me, guys. At 3 o'clock in the morning, I didn't even know what time it was. I just opened my eyes. It was dark. It was fucking freezing. I had the blanket over my head.

It's freezing in my room. And the first thing that came to my mind was January 7, 2006. If I was just said, Terry, can I talk to you for a second? And she would have said, yeah, listen, here's the deal. I'm going to stop doing blow. I'm going to get my life together. We're going to get married. And we're going to have a baby.

Not just a little baby, but a cute little fucking baby. That's a monster. You know what I'm saying? There's no way she would have believed that. There's no way. I sat there in bed and giggled. And as we were walking mercy to school this morning, I go, hey, I got to ask you something.

If I would have sat you down January 2006 and told you we were going to get married, I was going to stop doing blow. Not only that, we're going to have a kid. Would you ever fucking believe it? We were both howling. howling like she's like are you fucking kidding me like are you fucking kidding me yeah all this happened because I stopped the room blow yeah like there was another world out there I thought I was living that's what people don't get I thought I was living I wasn't alive I was dead because I there was a

whole another world out there that I wasn't exploring that the coke wouldn't let me explore emotionally and I think of that line right there there's got to be a guy you know I lost my other daughter when she was about 18 months from 18 months to five years it got worse and worse and was only seeing it once a week and I feel like I'm picking up where I got taken away like I'm just picking it up this up with mercy this doesn't happen this doesn't happen to a guy like me so there has to be something out there that the stars are lying I love to tell you that I love to tell you that this happened because I deserved to know this happened because I suffered I paid my fucking dues.

I paid my fines. I replaced the karma. I had fucked a lot of people. And I got a fucking a little handout from somebody. When I die, I don't know who's going to be a thing. I took care you.

I hope it's a Jew fucking guy that, you know, got fucking like a stab in Auschwitz. And he loved me. His spirit fell in love with me. And now he's granting me all these good things, you know what I'm saying? That would be great.

You know, I was a guy that did a grandma. the way home from the store. There was no stranger to code. And then once I got home, about 2 o'clock, I waited for John. We talked about this in the kitchen the other night of the store. To get off work, and he would bring me another gram of blood. That's two grams of blow.

That's $120 a night. That's a lot. That's four fucking nights, five nights a week. That's two parties of four. By myself. I did this. And one day I just stopped. Did I stop because I was a genius?

Did I stop because I had the answer? I'd tell you, I wish I could look at people and go, I stopped. I could heal you and get $100 a head for smacking you in the head. I stopped because something happened up there. Somebody went like this with their hand and said, give this guy some strength. He can't be doing this anymore.

That's something happened. So that's what makes me believe in God. That is what makes me believe in God. But when I was 16, there was no belief. Fuck. Listen, take that fucking Jew God of yours and shove them up your mother's ass. There's no God. You might as well, because he took away.

How can God take away somebody's mother? Fuck God. Fuck God. God. Who the fuck is? You know what I'm saying? Like, that's your mentality. They break you down. Some people, when you can't wrap your heads around something, Lee, it's fucking difficult this fuck. And what do you mean difficult? Especially when you're not an adult, not an adult. Something bad happens to you before the age of 20. It's very easy for you to go, you know what, life is so unfair. Like, I'm just going to ride it out and do whatever I want and not have any, like, you know, I don't accept the ramifications of existence.

distance, so speak. You know what I saw today? There was a, like, Anderson Cooper years ago. I don't even know where I saw it. Did a story about these gay guys and like that right when AIDS came out or was big. And they were having sex to get AIDS so they wouldn't have to worry about it or HIV. So they wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Could you imagine just giving up that much?

Like, do people OD just so they don't have to worry if I'm going to OD? I don't, you know, I don't know. I mean, I think that's technically called suicide. Yeah. But I think people that just, I mean, I can relate to the feeling of going, you know what, man, I'm sick of fighting. Like, I'm just going to, like, and I shouldn't be doing this. I'm just going to, like, say, fuck it. I can relate to that a lot.

I can relate to, like, you know, it's a temporary solution to a permanent problem. And that's the problem. Like, for me, I can be like, yeah, man, everything sucks right now. I shouldn't be drinking, but I'm going to get it fucked up tonight and I'll deal with this shit tomorrow. And then tomorrow is two years later because you wake up the next day and you feel like shit and you have this permanent problem. And I go, well, I know this 12 hour solution. And then it's just 12 hours, 12 hours, you know what I mean? And it's like, then you're, you know, and that's like 38 years old and then you're fucking 41.

And you're like, holy shit. And in LA, every day looks the same. So it's even trippier. You know what I mean? It's 72 degrees. it looks exactly the same. So three years can go by. You don't feel even seasons coming through.

So all of a sudden it feels like it's been four months that I've been drinking. I've been drinking for two years. You know? It's like Groundhog's Day. And it's like it's just like I say fuck it today. Tomorrow I deal with it. You know? And that's like when you get in recovery, and again, I can only speak for myself.

You know, you get this intimidated feeling of like I can't live my life day to day. I can't just be sober one day at a time. That's stupid. That's what my head says. That's how I drank. You know, I wasn't worried about New Year's Eve on July 9th. Fuck no. I just wanted to get fucked up on July 9th.

You know what I mean? And I'm always about July 10th on July 10th. And tomorrow's another day. So I'm awesome at doing day-to-day. That's exactly how I fucking drank. I could get $120 drunk with $7 in my pocket. I can't pay $120 a cell bill with $7. This shit is smarter than me, dude.

You know what I mean? Like, it is smarter than I am. It can figure out how to get $120 drunk with $7 to my name. Now, and now that I'm clean, I've been out of drinking, you know, not quite a year, but a little over 11 months. I still took, right now, I am baffled at how to get $100, pay $120 sell bill with $7. You know what? Now, if I was addicted to sell bills, I would be hanging out at AT&T. I would know everybody that worked there.

All of a sudden, I'm on some weird employee discount. All of a sudden, they're like, hey, man, don't worry, this month's on us, blah, blah, blah. But my addiction is booze, so I know every bartender in fucking Los Angeles. I drink free at the comedy store and improv and ice house for a fucking decade. I could go there with three bucks without a spot and know that I could leave at 2 a.m. Train wrecked and come on with seven bucks. How much fun is that? It was fun for about five of those 12 years.

seven of those years it was not fun to us because I was doing it for the wrong reasons just getting 45 bucks 40 for a gram and five for a bartender tips all fucking night for for free that's it just give him five bucks and all night just keep bringing glasses empty fucking glasses and sipping those things down it's funny I get one I get one draft beer that's three dollars I give him a 10 and I'm drinking all night for free draft beers or you know then you switch up to something Mills later. A couple Jack and Cokes.

Yeah, that was my move. A couple of lemmys and shit. The only thing I ever like romanticizes beer and whiskey. I wasn't a wine guy. I wasn't a tequila guy. You know, I'd drink anything if you put in front of me. But whiskey and booze and beer

was my shit. And cigarettes. Yeah, but that's still, that's still part of the mix. And Coke. The minute, like, especially with alcoholics, the minute you find cocaine, your clock starts ticking, your doomsday clock. Because I could drink 12,

drinks, stagger into a bathroom, do a line of Coke, come out sober. And go right back to work. And everyone's like, how is this guy? Standing up. Yeah, exactly. It soberes you up, really? I mean, you could be,

I didn't even want to say, I think probably a lot of accidents will be happening after I say this, but you could be obliterated drunk, do two lines, and probably drive home safe if it's within like two miles. I could drink like a motherfucker. I could drink,

those Budweiser cans. Oh, yeah. Like they were going out of the style when I was doing coke. That's how you know I was doing blow. Joey's fucking downing those things. Two sips. A can a buddwis. Is that what made you put on the weight you think?

No. I could always tell you were doing coke because you would always sweat a lot. I would sweat constantly. Yeah, yeah. If I saw you not on stage, you didn't even have a spot, you were just coming through to say what's up, and you were sweating like Mike Tyson and a spelling me. I knew some shit was fucked up.

And I wouldn't even be doing blow, and I'd be sweating on stage. It was so in my system. Because it's like your condition to associate that with... I wouldn't do blow until after I got off stage. Once I got off stage, then I would do it. Because I learned early on I couldn't function. Very... But then your body starts associating blow with a set?

No, no, no, no. Oh, okay, okay. I thought you would go on stage and you would... I would go on stage, you know, when you do blow four nights a week, you're always high. Yeah. You're always high. Because even if you're... Even if you're day off, you're still cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

It's still cuckookew for cocoa puffs. Yeah, yeah. The next day, I wouldn't get sober to like six, and then I would just get sober enough. Like, I wouldn't be getting high all day. I wouldn't do anything all day. I'd be smoking pot. I wouldn't drink or anything.

Once I got to the store, I'd get my package, put it in my top pocket. And as long as I went on stage, knowing the packages in my pocket, everything was going to be. You're good. I'm good to go. Now, what if you had a set where you didn't score yet? I would still do great. Okay, okay. I just was just...

It wouldn't throw you off. No, no. Half the time somebody didn't have it. I would go to my other guys. I would go to El Campadre on the way home. 50% of the time. That was a place for me. 50% of the time, I went down there with nothing with the intention of,

I'm not getting nothing down here tonight. The Sunset and Gower El Campadre? Or the one all the way around? No, one in Hollywood. The one in Hollywood. And then the one, well, there was one all the way on the other side. No, but the Hollywood one. This is the one over here, right?

Yeah, yeah. The guitar center. And then I had the Martel Cartel. I had an Armenian guy. I had four different dealers. So I would, before I left the house, I'd already have the money in my pocket. And I already had the,

wheels turning. I was going to bump into one of them. And then the worst case scenario, Sergio. And I bump them for two of that fucking cut. That fucking cut that was terrible. But it was funny. You were talking. I learned from people, man. I've always been a type of guy that look at people and see how people recover from different things. For a long time, I would meet people. And they'd say, this is my nephew. His name is Tony. And I look at him and they go, he's 16. I look at the 16 year old. I go, could he go through what I went through at 16? And I look at Look at people and I get sad. I get sad for years.

I can relate to that. Look at how young that kid is. I can relate to that. No wonder I'm fucking nuts. But when I was 19, I met this guy. Sweetheart of a guy. A guy drank three beers and hugged you. But he was in love with this girl.

He had been with her. If I was 19, this guy was maybe 22, he drove to bus to pick you up when you went white water rafting at the bottom. Oh, okay. River. He was from Minnesota. And he had a bunch of friends out here, and he had moved to Minnesota with a girl. He had moved to Colorado with a girl.

And I would talk to them, and they had been dating since they were 14. Like, they were each other's first, whatever. And they went to Colorado and everything was fine. They were done the apartment with a bunch of other guys. And, you know, they partied. They were young. I was on the first floor, so I would hear them. And I became friends with all when we played tackle football.

And I was in Colorado for the first year. And just before I got to leave, there was a rumor going around that they broke up. And one day I saw him and I could tell he was a little weird. And I asked him, hey, man, how you doing? He was, you know, me and Keels broke up. Yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that. And then I heard rumblings that she had started dating the guy in the apartment. So she left him.

That he lived in. They all, it's like me, you, Lee, grew up together. It was 13 of them in a three bedroom, house. Jesus Christ. And what they did was, what they did was, they all wanted to ski. When you're 20, you'll do things you know what you want to do. When you're 20, you'll go, wait a second, Joey. So if I give you 150 a month, that's my corner right there.

Yeah. That's how mine did. I don't give a fuck. As long as I can put my skis outside and ski and maybe bartend once a week. I'll take the couch. I'll take the fucking couch. When you're 20, you do. So listen, I went up there a couple times.

The place was spotless. But in that apartment, you know, it was like 12 people, three bedrooms and a living room. and I bet the one guy had a tent outside and fucking interesting shit. And they were nice kids and they had parties. But I watched this guy. I watched this guy. And it was a daredevil.

So in the summer he drove. How are you at this time in your life? I'm 19. Okay. I'm 19. I'm a dishwasher. Comedy is not on my horizon by no means. Right.

You don't think that was on my horizon was crime. There was no other thing on my horizon. I used to get drunk and do creepy fucking shit back then. I would get drunk and do a line of coke and burglarized places when I was drunk. It was fucking creepy. But it's crazy. I always picture you as older in Colorado. No,

but you're fucking 19. He was a kid. I was a kid in Colorado. And all of a sudden I left. And when I left, I kept in touch of people. And they always told me, did you hear what happened? This motherfucker hit him to recall, wouldn't I? The dude that she cheated on?

Like, okay. The guy that's your buddy? Okay, so my buddy. And so now there's rumbling. So I leave Colorado and I keep in touch with this kid Mikey and this kid Jimmy. And every time I talk to him, I say, what's going on with this guy? They go, dog, we forgot to tell you. He caught her in bed finally one night with the dude.

And it was so traumatizing for him that I had to get his number and call him and go, hey, man, how are you doing? He's like, you know, I never, he never, and I remember that, going, that guy can't wrap his head around this. This is too much for him. That's pretty crazy. From 14 years old? from 14. Now they were 21, and they were just going to get married and have kids and go back to Minneapolis. And now she leaves him for a guy in the apartment. Not only that, he walks in one night and she's on top of him bouncing up and down. He packs up. That would make sense.

He packs his bag. He moves out. Okay. He gets an apartment. He's getting eaten alive. One night, she goes to a bar with a bunch of girls, and they all go into different cars. She goes into a car. She's going into a car. She reaches, she feels a hand, grab her ankle. He was hiding under the car. She put a restraining on, but she put a restraining one on him before this. He wasn't violent or anything, guys.

He just wanted to know why. That's it. I remember calling him, and he was crying. And he's like, oh, I wanted to know why. By the time I got back to Colorado, he was drinking. Four or five nights a week. And this guy was a good-looking blonde dude. that was built.

He could get pussy the next day. He had no problem. Personality, smile, always smiling, cracking jokes, never had a t-shirt on. But it's only pussy ever knew. Yeah, you know, and now he had to readjust. And guys, I saw this guy's demise in front of me that his parents had to come from Minnesota,

pick him up and put him in mental health. In 1987, this went down in 83. How old was he at the time? he was 21, and by the time he was 25 or 26, his parents had to come get him and put him in a fucking psychiatric ward that always messed with me because he couldn't recover from her pussy. And I get it. I never know what happened to him. You know, I talked to one of the girls, and I said, whatever happened to Big Mike?

You know what? He went to that place, and he was in there for years, supposedly. And it was all because he wanted to know why. The shock of him seeing that woman bouncing on top. And this guy, this girl, I think they put me in the mental health facility too. Really? She was no job. Yeah, she was thick.

She had black hair, beautiful face. Big tits. Just a body and a half. And she ended up, she lost it too. She ended up selling blow for a while and some shit went down. But it's amazing how he could not wrap his hands around it. And I saw it. Guys, when I went back in 84, 85,

he was 80 pounds heavier, sloppy body elder, saying weird shit, thinking I'm not joining the fucking service and he wanted to go over. What was the big war, Beirut? In what year? 86, 86.

Yeah, yeah, that's probably Beirut. He was talking about Beirut, going to Beirut and shooting motherfuckers. I mean, this guy was a peace-loving fucking American horse. One day, six months later, I hear. He doesn't give a fuck. His mom came and got him and had to take him back with the father

and like a jacket strapped. You know, and that's it. And it's how he dealt with it. You know, I think they would have wrapped me in a jacket if I didn't have my friends and the drugs. I don't know. I don't know. It's, but I, you know.

What was harder to get through the drugs or the divorce? The divorce. Really? More than coke? Listen, man, when somebody fucking takes. More than anything in your life. That was the hardest thing you went through. Yes.

Yes. Yes. The divorce. destroyed my inside. Why do you think that is? Because listen, I accept, I accept as a man, I accept that you're not in love with me no more. Sure. I accept that. What could you accept? I wasn't in love with her. I couldn't accept her taking a child's love and switching it around. I couldn't accept how. Lacking control. Her parents were these people that went to church seven days a week.

They donated to the church when you went over there. They spoke of the church. They were fucking great people. You know, she was raised in this home that I would have given my hand to be raised in this home. I was telling Mick Benton Court the other day.

I go, Mick, when we were kids, you know, there's people who came from a mom and a dad family with sisters in the dog and they had the station wagon and the summers they went to Florida and they lived like normal people. Then you had kids like us that were missing a parent.

Same here. The moms drank. And you know what? You watch the Waltons. And from time to time, you said, you know what? I trade my mom in to live with the fucking Waltons to say. You know, when I was younger, you know, my father was a big drinker. Both of my grandparents died from addiction or disease one way or another.

I talked to my father in 20-something years. Child molester used to fight me like a man when I was seven. Like I had a, I saw shit. By the time I was seven, I saw shit most people shouldn't have seen. And then, you know, luckily for me, my mother left my father for a woman. So I was raised by lesbians from like early 80s, you know, still have lesbian, you know, parents. You know, I was 12 going on 34. You know what I mean?

I had seen shit, you know, I've been to more funerals than weddings, even today. You know, I've been, I was going to AIDS funerals in the 80s when like, you know, and I was 12, 13, you know. It's like you grew up in that. And so you, I don't know, I think certain people get to see a little too much at a younger age, you know. And it sounds like you can relate to that. I always tell people that I'm jaded. There's parts of me that are very much jaded. I'm jaded from that early age because, you know, and I know Michael Jackson made this a big thing of his life that he didn't have a childhood.

You know what, man, I didn't have a childhood. Kind of didn't either? Because I didn't want a childhood. When I was 13, playing fucking battleship was not what I wanted to do. When I was 10, it was not what I wanted to do. Agreed. So I always felt very insecure that I was only the rest of the kids. I've told on this podcast a thousand times, being 12 or 13,

and all these kids in the neighborhood telling me about, man, you got to watch this show, sign that live, Mr. Bill, Samurai Night Fever. And I went home and watched it and said, this isn't funny. I'm not laughing one fucking time, and I couldn't fucking figure it out. I was thinking about the kids. Even though, there's people who live their life trying to be cool. Sure.

They just everything is, they do everything. They like the music everybody else likes. They like the fucking clothes everybody else likes. I grew up with this kid Jose Rotato. We both, his dad sold a ton of blow. My mom owned the building. So my mom rented the apartment to him upstairs. And I would hear my mom's rumblings about the old man.

And because my mom and we were all friends, he would come to all my parties as a child. Jose Othalda was a nice Catholic boy, like a Spanish Catholic boy that was decent. But Jose, when we were... You guys at the same age? We're about the same age. Maybe a year apart. When we were about 13, one day I saw Jose and he was completely different. He went from being a Cuban kid to a wannabe white kid with a Rolling Stones t-shirt on.

And he always had a beer. And then he got caught rob in a car. You know, by the time, by the time I was 17, he already had a resume. Like, people were talking about this guy. And I felt bad for him. I knew something wasn't. Talking bad about him or good? No, no.

People were already talking. He was crazy. He was fucking crazy. Oh, got you. But he was just overreaching. Like, I always knew he was overreaching for these fucking guys. Because he had the same problem. Everybody else said, I was Spanish.

And the fucking 30 kids. I was the only Spanish kid. So you don't know where. fuck your head is that and he was in the same position but a different neighborhood right Jose and I bumped on toes every five or six years and he always had heavy drugs on him you know I'd bump into him like hog or anything about co-ed yeah pills tuminals anything that was out there and he always had three of people like three fucking idiots with him and he was always like the lead with the lead idiot like giggling you know it was

just one of those guys and about a year ago one of my friends says to me hey man Have he friended yet and I go he's fucking alive Where'd you bump into that fucking recently? Yeah, a year ago And he's telling me I bumped into him He was standing out of pain He was outside of a pain clinic Like waiting for pills

He's still fucking crazy So he goes he's on Facebook So about a week ago I went on Facebook And looked at his stick He didn't change Like it was the same guy from high school Every picture as him With a beer cup in his hand

And a cigarette in the other hand That's why I didn't want to be With some ugly chick. That looks like she sucked a thousand dicks, missing a tooth. So, I mean, you got to see these, and they're all at, like, shitty old men concert. That's why I could have been. Oh, my God, that was me, too. Me too.

He was at a bunch of, like, old shit concerts. Like, let's say, you know, when an old shit band gets together, like, three. And they have a show, like, in Roswell, New Jersey. It's like their last reunion ever, but they have one last year and they'll have one next year. Yeah, he's there with eight guys. and every picture he's got a beer can in his hand to show everybody that he's partying. It's like if you find yourself at a fork in the road,

you could either guarantee you're going to be that guy or I guarantee you you have no idea who the other guy is going to be. And that's the fear that we talked about earlier, which is, is the pain of becoming that guy greater than the fear of the unknown? And that's the fork in the road, man.

Take that left turn. Don't become that dude, you know? Were all of his friends the same high school friends? No, you're not with these creepy people. And they're all probably younger than him. All those people like that scared me. Like I used to live downtown. At one point, I stopped hanging out with downtown people

because they would sit together in a circle, listen to music, smoke cigarettes, and they all developed the same goofy laugh. Downtown L.A. or downtown Denver? Downtown in Jersey. And they would blow smoke out of their mouth and laugh. And they all would do it the same.

And they'd go like, f, f, f, and they listen to the boys are back in town by Thin Lizzie. And my blood pressure would go up 60 over a fucking thousand. Because I hated that song. These losers couldn't pick up the fucking flu. And they're sitting around. Oh, my God.

It was like an anthem for these goofball. When you hear it, does it give you chills? When I hear it, I listen to the first verse just to get pissed off. Really? Like, if I'm in the car, guess who's back in town today? The wide-eyed boy You motherfucker And I'm always on the 170

Like I'm always going from the 101 To the 170 Why do you hate it someone That song Because it's like an anthem for knuckleheads Because it's like an earmark of a book Like it's like an anthem for nudge The boys are back in town

You ever hang out with guys like that The boys What the fuck do you do that you're the fucking boys The boys are back in town Where were you in prison Where'd you come back from the fucking home The tunnel? When I see guys that love that song

I ought to feel bad I automatically feel bad for their... It drives me fucking crazy. It drives me fucking crazy. I feel bad for their girlfriends because they're just, like, at home, just, like, waiting for a black eye. Is it like the guys who, like, go to Vegas? So you, like, go to club in Vegas?

No. No, it's a certain breed. More the dog track. It's four guys that get dressed up and, like, two of them really have nothing going on. But trust me, I was part of that crew for years. It's like a certain club during the day. And the boys were not back in town, okay? The boys were not back in town.

They never left town. From 83 to 85, I would go in and out of North Bergen. I thought it was cool to go in and out of Northburg. What's North Bergen? North Bergen is where I grew up. Okay. And I would go in and out of North Bergen. I'd go to California for a month and come back.

I would go to Miami for three weeks and come back with a pound of blow. I would do different things. A pound of blow. In the back of my mind, like, at that time, I didn't think about it. But I felt like I was trying, I don't know. I was like trying to create a, and I wasn't. I just didn't fucking like living there. People were always looking for me.

I was always in trouble. So I always had to, like, burn somebody, leave for a while, and then come back. In trouble, like you owed people money. Money, or we robbed something. And the word out that it was us. It's just fucking craziness. You know, you look at people who you don't want to become, right? That's part of it.

That's a huge part of change. It's like when you go to. You're intimidated to hang out with people that have something that you want because you don't think you're good enough and you don't belong in that circle. So you continuously. like I was always more content being the guy hanging out with a bunch of dumb fucks who I was like well at least I'm not as bad as this guy

you know but then slowly you become that guy did everybody else slowly you be like my biggest fear I was like I don't want to be the fucking 50 year old at a coke party a bunch of 28 year olds remember how much you when you were 28 you hated that fucking guy but you had to hang out with him because he had the fucking coke I was slowly becoming that guy

and then I became that guy where I'm the guy, you know, with a bunch of 24-year-olds, and I got a fucking eight ball, and I'm hanging out with these people just because they'll hang out with me because I got a fucking eight ball. But I know they're talking shit about me behind my back. Because I used to talk about shit,

talk shit about that guy behind his back. When I was 22 and I go to a bar, I feel old, number one. That's crazy. That's already crazy. There's always four or five guys that are four in their 40s. And I look at them and go, what the fuck are these fucking losers?

going on me. Why are they fucking here? Yeah. Well, I'm that age. It's like when I go to a weed store and I see a guy my age with a ponytail and like a Led Zeppelin shirt on. Right. And he's still talking about a concert or something.

I want to shoot myself in the fucking leg. I really do. I'm like, what the fuck are you thinking, guy? Go mend a sweater. Go play shuffleboard. Anything's better than still talking about this shit and wearing it on your shirt. It's fucking embarrassing. Like, I'll tell you what people drove me crazy.

most when I got locked up there are clicks of people that sit together every day and talk about the prisons they've been to Lee you have to see this as like in prison there are people that are prison elitist elitist and other people look like I've been to San Quentin dog you don't even know nothing about San Quentin I've been to sing sing shit I've been to sing sing C block and also the guys like yeah I know this guy and it's hysterical when they're like yeah I know Lee up in C Block. You know Lee Sighat? Yeah.

Oh, they're name dropped. There's name drop. Yeah, I party with that fool. I party with him a couple times, too. The guy up there, one-eyed Louis, used to get his heroin and we'd sell the cotton balls. And you're sitting there. And they're telling about the jails they've been to. It's like that scene along the show in the beginning when they go, where you're from Kansas State, they got nice mattresses there.

Like, people actually say that. Oh, my God, the pancakes at the correctional facility in Illinois are to die for the chocolate. That makes sense. A chocolate chip one's, yeah. Like, you want to actually commit a crime in that thing to fucking eat the chocolate chips. It's fucking crazily. When guys would sit around and brag about the different prisons they were at and talk about the guys they knew. Like, they were like fucking PhDs.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you're talking about a guy that murdered three people. Like, he's like this great philosopher. Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking? crazy and then they show up like he's here there was like why was that

there was maybe 200 fucking losers and maybe eight people who had a chance I'm telling you this I would look at them and go this guy will be back in jail in a month yeah you could just tell like they did not have a chance they had no way they would cope

with society did you ever drink toilet wine you always hear about that no I did meth in fucking prison I didn't fucking speed. As a Coke guy, what was your opinions or thoughts on meth? Because you're a Coke guy. I was a Coke guy when I got locked up.

But once I got locked up, I was done. I was like, I ain't doing no drugs in this motherfucker. I'm not doing no drugs. I went to the county jail. People were getting high in there doing heroin, doing coke, smoking weed. I didn't do nothing. I went to diagnostic. And diagnostic drugs were everywhere.

It was crazy. What does diagnostic mean? Diagnostic is where you go and they look into your brain. They tell you that you're fucking a thief or they take your blood. They stick a finger up your ass. They make you cough. They fucking do x-rays on everything. They take your fingerprints.

They take psychological tests, math tests. You take every test that can be thrown at you. That all goes to the feds. The feds have everything on you now. How smart you are in algebra. If you could read them right. And then they put you through a point system. Do you have a high school diploma where you're working at the time of your arrest?

were you renting, were you owning, all those things are point systems when you go through the system. Okay. So I was doing great, and all of a sudden they sent me to the camp. And once you get to the camp, that's where you start hearing rumblings.

There was a lot of drugs. Nobody was smoking weed because they drug test you. So you had to do shit that went through your body quick. Okay. So a lot of guys did heroin. A lot of guys did heroin. Acid you could do because they had to have a test for acid and speed.

They didn't get speed yet. It was coping. heroin, pills, and marijuana, and alcohol. They didn't really, the speed guys knew that if they drank water, there was something. So I'm in there two months maybe, and the librarian was a nerdy guy that killed his wife and her husband for cheating on him. Librarian was an inmate. An inmate. Librarian dude, a small dude from Buffalo.

And one night he told me, you want to get high on acid? We got some acid. We traded with somebody because I had the storage facility. Like liquid or tabs? It was taps. It was like blotter. So we and him stayed up all night outside the library and told stories. What are you talking about?

And the guards were walking by. I'm like, you guys, because I never stayed up. You were supposed to be in your unit. But you could watch TV in there all fucking night. You know what I'm saying? They didn't give a fuck what you did all night. It was lights out. Okay.

But what was in your TV or in your room? Right. You could stay up all night and reading. Nobody else saw the light in your room, only from the outside. Okay. And once in a while, guys got up, and they hung in the front of the unit to smoke. So the library was right across from the unit at our station. So I would go over and sit on the stairs with him.

He would smoke and we'd talk shit. I didn't smoke that. What was it like to do acid in prison? Like, did you freak out? No, not at all. We just giggled and told stories. You got acid a lot, though. By that time, yeah, but I hadn't done it.

I stopped doing acid in 86. You can't get addicted to that. The last time I'd done acid was 85 in San Francisco. Everything after that was just straight cocaine and whatever pills I could get my hands on. So it was 87, 88, and we did an hit of acid, and that was it. But then I met this guy, John Clark. John Clark was a white dude. John Clark used to gamble.

So he'd always talk to me about gambling. And I knew that the black dudes were scared of him. and a lot of the bike of white dudes were scared of him he wasn't affiliated with nobody he had tats and shit but he was from the east coast he was a real Philly guy and I would like he had been in jail

for so fucking long for what for what like murder and like fucking assault and he was just a badass so people knew who this guy was so this guy used to just talk to me he'd come in the kitchen and talk to me

like they had a job picking up garbage or something right and that's how he was getting the drug into the prison. So in the mornings, he'd come talk to me about the sixes or the, he was a real sports fan, but he liked my accent. He used to tell me, dog, talking to you takes me home, because then I call my father. You make me sentimental when I talk to you, dog. So he started, and then one day he would tell me, nah, when my girlfriend comes on Sundays, she brings the speed. I shit it out Monday morning. Oh, my God. And then I snort it Monday and Tuesday. But Mondays,

we went to a gym to play basketball. So this went on for a while. For like two months, I was friends with John. And we exchanged food. He put bets in with me. He bet the cards. He loved gambling. And he was just a degenerate gambling. He was 50 cents a card. He bet 10 cards, 20 cards.

He'd buy a card. And he could still lose. That's how bad of a loser this guy was. But we became friends, man. He was a solid dude. And one day I go, oh, now he's like, come here for a thing. He wanted to a line of speed. I'm like, fuck, yeah.

I'm not going to turn this motherfucker. People would die to hang out with this guy. And here I am talking to him, like, and I knew he hated spix and niggas. It was one of those things. Like, he was one of those KKK motherfuckers. But, dog, he wiped his hand. When it came to me, he even told me. He goes, by my fucking rules, I can't be hanging out with Cuban, but you get, you're the bomb diggly.

Like, I was friends with a dude who ran a kitchen. And you couldn't get to this guy. This guy was an older townie mobster. People would die. He had his own customers. And John used to say, dog, I heard the guy cooks, but he won't even talk to me. I said, I'll get your food from now on. So whenever the guy made nachos or chili concarony or whatever, I get John hooked up.

John loved me. So on Monday, John would go, come on over. Let's do a line of speed. Dog, one night I went on to play basketball. That was a complete different experience. I forgot all about that shit that you can't run on speed. Is that true? Oh, my God.

You know, what do you think happens? You already had 135 beats per minute. I'm out there running. And all of a sudden I realized there's not enough action on speed. Yeah, you're already running on speed. I would jump up and come up. You're the middle of the marathon. Here I am in prison playing hoops on fucking speed with John Clark on Monday fucking nights.

So you think you're going to die? I thought I was going to die, but I never played hoops again. But I would stay up all night Tuesday on the fucking speed, go to work Tuesday morning, and then like in the afternoon taking a nap and I was fine. Back in the day when... 88. This was speed. It was still speed.

It wasn't meth yet. Back in the day before Pot was legal. when everyone still had a guy. You had a guy. You'd go there, you'd buy a fucking, you know, you buy a gram, or, you know, you'd buy an ounce. And then you'd have seven guys going in on an eighth,

and then you would get your eighth for free. You know that, all the fucking scam. Yeah, of course. Classic, classic. And I'd spray it with a spray bottle to make the water go in there so the weed would get heavy. Yeah.

And I'd spray, I would spray Tibo's double. So by the time he got home, the fucking weed would disintegrate. He'd wake up in the morning. When he went to bed, there was this much weed. When he woke up, there was this much weed. What the fuck happened for my weed? You know, and you pinch a little bud from each of the seven, so your eighths was heavy.

Or whatever. Back in the day, so I would go to this guy. And this guy had, he was like a drug dealer for every, you know, he had everything. You go there. There'd be dudes. They were clean in like M16s. Two dudes clean in M16s. You would go there.

You know what I mean? You're like, oh shit. He's like, yeah, man. My buddy just painted me with these two guns for like, you know, Half a pound of Coke. You know, he always had some other shit going on, but he was my weed dealer. So I used to get Coke from him. I used to get Valium from him back in the day.

And he used to sell Coke and Valium at the same time. Like you can get like a, if you got like an eight ball, you'll give you four volume also. Like weird shit, you know. Shit, you shouldn't be taken together. But I remember going there, he goes, you know, I got like a, I got like an ounce of weed. And he's like, you want to do a line? you see a line cut up on a minute. I thought it was a blow.

I'm like, yeah, man, I'll do a line of Coke and then go home and I'm good. Do it. And I'm like, oh, shit. About two and a half hours later, I found out it was math. It's the only time I've ever done it? One time?

Man, man, it was like doing 30 lines of Coke. I was high for six and a half hours from one line of this shit. Like Coke, you're used to doing. You could do it. You can get off. You can do a couple lines and you can go, you can tap out. You can tap out when you're doing Coke.

I did one line of this shit because I thought it was Coke. That's the only time I've ever fucked that shit. But I was like, oh, yeah, I could see people getting fucking dicey on that shit. I did it one time in West Virginia. I followed some dudes to a cabin. Did you know that's what it was? No. I asked them, they were in the back room snorting it.

And I said, hey, can you get to them? They go, no, we don't have none honors. But if you want to follow us, we drove fucking 45 minutes to a trailer. I'm like, this ain't right. I get the guy like 50 bucks. It comes out with like a lump. And I go, this ain't Coke. He goes, nah, this is speed.

I still did it. You know me? We drove an hour. I'm doing it. One time I did it in Idaho. They put you up the funny bone in Idaho. You used to put you up in this old-fashioned hotel. They were creek.

The floors were creek. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like Oldwood. Oh, I did a lot. But they had showtime so I could jerk off all night on the speed. And then one night somebody gave me the bottom of a bag. at a comedy store. And I did the line and it was speed.

And I was, it set me off, dog. I ended up doing like 15 grams of fucking blow that night. I went off deep. I used to go deep. It's like days. What's the longest run you've had? The worst run I ever had in my cocaine career. Started on a Friday night.

Three days for me. And it went till Monday morning. And I dumped maybe 20 grams. I called the cops twice on myself. I didn't let the door. got the piss. Did they call it? Did the cops come? The cops came. What did they say to you? What did they say to you the second time?

The first time, I told him there was a burglar and they went around the property and looked. And the second time, they said, can we talk to you for saying? I go, yeah, they go, almost the last time you got sleep. How much coke have you done? Really? Yeah, and I go. Was it the same cops? Yeah. Yeah, of course. No, it was him and a different one. And I owned one of them. He switched partners. One of the guys. He's been high so long.

Let me tell you how fucking high I was. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you how goofy I was that night. I started on a Friday. I called the cops Saturday, and I called them again Sunday night. Okay. Sunday afternoon. It was daylight out.

Okay. At that time, I had the Coke inside the sink where you put the disposal, where you could pop it. Oh, yeah, yeah. In case the cops came, I would put the thing, and I would take little rocks and crawl, And I had on a... It's a good a hiding spot, actually. Oh, my God, I had a porno. No, no, I did not have a porno movie.

I had one of those freaking movies that somebody shows their pussy, and I would whack off to that. It was just a horrible, disgusting drug weekend. But no, no, it didn't end there, guys. I called the cops Saturday at like 11. Then I called the cops against Sunday. And that's when the one cop came in,

and he goes, you really got to get your life together. You know, you can't keep calling the cops on yourself and shit. What did I do? I got a six hours. sleep and I walked to the police station the next morning still because just because you don't have coke and just because you slept six hours doesn't mean that electric is still in your mind just making you make bad decisions what did I do I walk to the police station and said there was a burglar because I finally walked around because I was a house sitter

okay and I had this big so it wasn't even your place no but they had an extension to a garage when I when my girlfriend was there I did coke in the house right but since I was alone that night. I did it in my apartment over the garage. Okay. Okay, he did a cat take it, but then not I called the cops on my son. How far away was the police station that you walked to? Three blocks. Walked in and said, I'm sorry about the other night

and the cops like, what were you thinking? But one of the cops at that time, he tapped onto me. He knew I was crazy, he was crazy. We were talking about dirty cops this week. This is one of my experiences with a dirty cop. Dirty in what sense? He got high.

I sold him Coke on a few occasions. And then he came to him and then he goes, hey, listen, I know that you want guns. Yes. What if? Dirty. Definitely dirty cop. I could give you guns that we have no history on and you could sell them. No way.

Oh, fuck yeah. So he was just pulling people open and clipping their guns. What year is this? 87. Okay. What percentage did he take? A what? The guns.

Bro, he would show up in my house. Once every three weeks with four or five fucking guns. Brand new fucking letters. How would you split the money? I would trade him coke. So he would tell me, what do you want? What do you want for a five-month-old-old-old-gun? So he's paying for Coke with guns?

Give me three grams of Coke. I'd give him three grams. You know, he'd come to my house and leave a half-ounce of Coke. I'd take four or five guns from him. Wow. Fuck. This is, this is a complete. And then this is crazy.

I was flat broke, guys. I was flat, fucking broke. Okay? And I went and my friends came out to visit me and we were talking shit and at that time in Aspen, cocaine was 1,800 an ounce. My friends came out and said,

we're getting there for 8 and if you buy 10 ounces, we'll give it to you for 650 and it's 90 fucking percent right off a fucking rock. But you have to take a plane. So 1,800, they wanted for fucking 28 grams

So for a $200 plane ticket, you make $600. For a $200 plane ticket, I'm paying $6.50. I'm making $1,200. I'm making $1,200 per ounce, and I'm not even, and that's without cut, guys. And that's not in 2015. This is 1986. I'm sitting at my room. So that's like $3,000, basically.

I'm making $6,000. I got no reason to lie to nobody. I'm making $6,700 a week in a video store. I'm stealing two. Okay, I'm making, you know, I'm selling a half gram here. I shared an apartment with a girl. We ate out every night until, you know, we started cooking. We realized we couldn't fucking eat out no more.

That's how I'm experiencing all this shit. When I talk to you, we used to eat out every night and go to dinner, and then we cut that shit out. And one day these guys come out to visit me. I'm clean and sober guys. I'm cleaning sober a year and a half. Wow. And they come out and I start pounding.

These are my friends from Jersey, and they're telling me that they fucking got motorcycles and trucks and the one guy had eight trucks. And here I am. in a video store, make an 800. So I go, wait a second. So if I go back there and I pick up, let's pretend, nine ounces, which is a quarter key. If I pick, and in those days, the guy was like,

he just put his... What was a key back then? It was dirty. It was, I think, what's a kilo? 34 ounces. So a key in those days, I don't remember. It was dirt cheap. It was, it was, it was by that time,

it was before Reagan sent the troops to Columbia, to Columbia. So they were stuck. They had so much cocaine. Cocaine everywhere else in the country was fucking cheap. But in Aspen, it had this high price tag on it. So, guys, I had no fucking money. So I went, I knocked on Lisa.

I had a store. Lee, I know you a long time. Yeah, let me talk to you about something. You told me once your grandma left you from stocks and some bonds. And you also told me that some lady died and left you some money. I'm not looking for a loan. This is what I'm looking to do. You want to make some money?

Give me five. thousand dollars at eight o'clock Tuesday night and by Wednesday night at eight o'clock I will give you back $6,500 and three and a half grams of fucking the same coke I'm getting that was the deal I was cutting people so I'd go to three or four or five people put whatever package I need together $9,800 or something I forget what it was I forget the numbers I know that I had to take like $10,000 And I would go and I would already have customers lined up. I'd already go to Lee and go Lee. Come here for a second.

What are you paying for an hour? I'm paying $1,800. What if? What if? Tonight, I'd give you the ounce of the best Coke you got for $13.50. Okay. Cash, okay. And on the plane, on the way back, coming from Aspen to the guy's hotel room,

I'd be fucking cutting the Coke with three and a half grams. I'd take an eight ball out. Bob and dog, at the end. You know how much money? I used to sell it before it landed. I would sell it before it landed. Sometimes I get a down payment from my motherfucker. Lee, listen, you want two ounces, right?

And a 20% loan in 24 hours. And that's what I would do. 25% loan. I just knew how to make people money. So I would just keep contacting people. Oh, you want to do it again? Yeah. Fuck, yeah.

What if I told you you can make 500 a fucking week off me, Lee? Every fucking week just lending me money and free cocaine. Are you fucking kidding me? You would do it every week? Every week I was flying back on United Airlines. Could you imagine doing that now? You'd probably like sit off an alarm. You'd probably like, they'd probably be like,

I got nine German Shepherds in his back pocket. Yeah, but the whole thing is, look, and now I'd do comedy. If I was a greedy, dumb fuck on Thursdays, I would take an extra suitcase on first class, filled with cheaper shoes or stars of debt. I would pack them up. If I was a greedy, dumb fuck

and I had no respect for comedy on my family. And something for, like, 20 bucks a piece? I would make a killing. Did you watch Narcos? Yeah. Loved it? Yeah, I'd have Tebow in New York with a menu. Like Cheebichu's, I get them here for 22.

They're paying 30 in New York. Minimum. But see, a guy like me, I'm a Cuban Jew. I contact Chebichu and say, dog, what can we do? I didn't tell them what I'm doing. I'm just telling them I'm going to move volume for you. I'm going to move. What do you need to move?

22 boxes, what can you do? Well, I'll give them to you for 1650. That's a different. bargain out. You save three bucks a box, but you're moving that many boxes. Sure. Fuck, man. People in the East Coast will buy those by the fucking box.

There's weed we smoked tonight. This debt we smoked tonight. Right. What are you kidding me? These fucking stars are debt that my main man gave them. These fucking Star 1, these things. It's three for $25, these $200 million. Yeah, they're expensive.

And those are expensive. They're fucking expensive. You could triple your money in New York and people will pay. How much a pot is in one, like, one of those? 200 milligrams per star he's a special for lead they're like 52 milligrams yeah no no i heard they're like 20 they don't do nothing to nobody no it's really fucking weird how that's how i made a living so every week but to get to the point of the story there was his one guy yeah that kept mind that me money he was all in this fucking guy this how did he have his money he was uh i think his dad gave money

and he was a wannabe mobster from detroit and his sister his sister was married to a doodoo on the pizza parlor he was a jackoff and a half this wasn't the guy you sold the mafia membership no it was one of his friends I sold the mafia membership too in snow masters does that mean this kid can't bother me hey do you know anybody in the mom do you know anybody in the mom what does that even mean listen to me like could you ask somebody that and is it's not even a legitimate question well this is how retarded he was he kept asking me how you know anybody would get me in the mom okay I went to like a fucking store and I got like an application thought Tebow you have no

I was doing it as a goof. I thought he was actually going to look at me. Is he young? He was my age at the time. And he had watched every Mafia movie from 1920 on. He was a white kid, and he kept bugging me. I told him to fill it out and put his name and number, relatives. The kid put everything down, Social Security.

It was fucking crazy. And this is all, I'm doing this on my own. This is all the mind of Joey Diaz. When this kid showed up with two grand, I thought this was like a set. I kept going home and not going, I'm going, I'm going to go to fucking jail. This went on for like six months. Every time I'd see him, he goes, dog, nobody contacted me.

Are you fucking crazy? I just talked a little way from the Bronx. He said, they're going to send you a plane ticket, so he could do the whole finger, the ceremony. This could, it was fucking crazy. But this wasn't the kid. This was a kid that I never found out about this until later on. So when I was going downhill, I went to him for a big amount.

I already had a hook at him, so now I'm going to burn him. So I said, listen, we're going deep. Right. We're going to buy 15 kilos. You knew he'd go off the diving board with you? I knew he'd go off the diving board. Yeah. And I took the money from those guys, like on a Tuesday, and I snorted all the coke.

There was no trip. I just hid. Like, I used to disappear for 24 hours with the money and come back that Wednesday. That fucking Tuesday, I went. Yeah. Because by that time, I wasn't really flying back anymore. I got lazy. I was getting too high.

We get paranoid and not getting planes and shit. So I was just buying it locally, but I still had my customers. I was just cutting the coke and telling the people, you can't sell it to me for 18. You got to take it down to like 14. I'll sell a bunch of it for you. So finally I got into such a deep hole. And it was the week of Thanksgiving, 1986. Guys, I had been on a fucking two-month run.

This girl I was living with who turned out having Jackie, her mother, wasn't even basically talking to me. all I was doing was going home giving her money and giving a coke and leaving I was going to Kato's house I had a couple other broads I had a room in a hotel a guy that ran security gave me a room at the hotel for me to put a scale and coke in there that's the shit that I mean of like oh my god yeah there you go drunk on seven dollars it was in that world and that world is your priority you get these weird hookups that most people don't understand unless you fucking have been an addict one way or another. And I would give him Coke and he worked security

so he would stay up all night. He would watch the hotel and I'd go into that room by myself and jerk off and fucking take showers and whack off in the shower and crawl and hide. It was horrible. And then I would go back to this apartment with this poor girl. And one Tuesday they gave me like,

I fucking have no idea, guys. I must have rank came up. I usually came up with like $15,000. This time I came up with like $30,000. guys I paid off like 15,000 that I owed and I bought like $5,000 worth of Coke and I held on to 10. And I fucking went to a friend's house. That's another level. This was another shit I used to do.

I would go to Lisa Ad's house with Paula there and go, can I talk to you? And you come out and go, what's up, Joey? Here's 300. Give me a favor. Get the fuck out of here. Take your fucking girlfriend with you. 300? Really?

Yeah. Go get a whole tournament for 50. Come on. Yeah. Get the fuck. Let me get your apartment. I was so paranoid to get high in my own house or even hotel rooms. I would go to my friends and go, how about I give you $300?

Just let me use your apartment for tonight. What are you going to do? Nothing. I'm going to drink, smoke pot, and jerk off on your couch by myself. That's how fucking bad the addiction was. Yeah. I can relate to that. I made plans for Thanksgiving because Thanksgiving was that Thursday.

I was supposed to pick up a turkey. I was supposed to have a party at my house. I had 10 people coming over to my house. supposed to go to New York and pick up a big, fucking shipment of Coke. I said, fuck it. I just paid off the debts I had in Colorado, picked up five grand, snorted. I walked in that door Thanksgiving. About 6 o'clock at night, that poor chick was just sitting there going, what happened?

I was at my friend's house for two days. I gave him, like, two days money that just disappeared. Go to a fucking hotel. I stayed in his apartment, and some chick came over. God knows what happened. The next day, I had fucking people calling my house. all fucking day. Day after Thanksgiving,

that phone didn't fucking stop. What did you think was going to happen? Oh, it was over. The cops were watching me. And he's tapped. You're tapped. Oh,

I owed three or four drug dealers, 10 grand or more. I owed now. The landlord. Oh, my God. No, the landlord was free rent. That was house sick. Oh, that's right.

I owed, you figure I owed the money I was borrowing. I had borrowed from fucking everybody at this point. I was deep. And this kid, was this kid started getting suspicious. Right. So he's not gonna...

Who you're milking? You're milking this cow. I'm milking this cow. Yeah. But I still need Coke to leave town. To make money. No, I'm leaving town. I'm leaving fucking town.

Yeah. But I got to get Coke for the ride to Denver. We had the car in the garage. We had it all packed and we were going to leave in the middle of the night from Aspen to Denver. There was a house across from us watching us. What do you mean watching you? There was a guy in there that was watching us

from Aspen Police Department. Oh, shit. I was selling Coke to a guy that cut a deal with the police to bring them dealers because his wife was an accountant for the city of Aspen, and she got caught right in checks for Coke. So when they caught her, she goes, how about we cut a deal? I get your drug dealers.

So his job was to go out and buy coke. Every time he comes to my house, he goes, let me talk to the outside. I want to talk to me outside for a talk, because they were up there. So one day, I had a friend of mine go through, because snowmast, you'd go into the back, so I had him go through the back. And right away, he flew over, and he goes, dog, you're right.

There's guys up there and they have a telescope. They're looking down. No shit. So my friend called him. We went downstairs. In those days, when you went to your phone panel, there would be a wire that would have the wiretap order. So if you could break into your phone panel and find your line,

you would see the wiretap fucking order. Boom. Once I saw that, I knew I had to leave town. Not only did I owe 80 fucking grand, not only were the cops watching me, I had a fucking go. I was hooked on blow. I had bought this fucking weed.

That was beautiful. I had a pound of this weed. That was beautiful. Of course you had a pound. But it didn't get you high. What do you mean? I got beat on it. Like they sold me two pounds and the one pound got you high and the other one didn't.

Like the other one was just a Fugazi pound of weed that had an addresser. And I knew that my co-dealer liked good weed. So I packed my car and I snuck over to a house like 8 o'clock. And I said, listen, the name is Neely. I go, Neilie, I got to talk to you about something. She's like, oh, if you're going to come in here, you better give me some money. I go, I got a thousand cars. I got the town of the wheat.

But you got to do me a favor. And she smelt and she's like, where'd you get this? This is tremendous. I go, I got this bitch. He goes, I need a half. He's also late 80s. I go, I need a half ounce of blow. And I'll bring you back the money in an hour.

Meanwhile, I got the money to give her. It was like last resort. But you need it. I need a blow to get out of town. Yeah. I need a blow to fucking get out of town. Why? Because I need it fucking blow.

I wanted to get high. Yeah, he needs his money. I need my money. he lives on, but he needs the blow because he's addicted to blow. You couldn't get in Denver? I'm not driving for. I was not blow.

He's on his way out. I need something to go. He's like, I'm leaving town. I have the money for blow, but from me some blow, and I'll pay you later, and he ain't paying later. And here's his pound of weed I'm leaving you. So wait, is that why you didn't get on planes? Because you were...

No, we had a car. What were we going to do? Leave the fucking car there? No, no, no. Your anxiety getting on planes. Where is it because you couldn't do coke for that long? What are you a psychiatrist? I don't fucking know.

No, this is 1987. There was no fucking planes. There was planes going to New Jersey and back. No, no, it was just anxiety. I was doing a thousand fucking things in my head, and I finally couldn't get on planes no-but because I knew the cops were watching me. So I just stopped flying. So now I'm in a fucking bind.

I'm leaving town, but you need a package to go. You can't just go with no package dry. So on the way out, let me rob everybody. I'm leaving, so what difference does it make? So I brought her a pound of weed as collateral, And I said, give me $1,500 worth the fucking blow, and I'll be back in an hour when I take the weed back. Plus, here's a grand that I owe you.

I owe it like 10 grand at this time. I gave her a thousand. So they're happy. They're like, at least your man. I go, when I make the fucking half ounce of $500, I'll make, I'll give you that too. She gave me the half ounce. I got in my car. I shot out of there.

Snort and Coke the whole fucking way to Denver. We get the fucking Denbally. Let me tell how bad my paranoia was. You know how many hotels I checked in and out of? Six. Four. Four. I went into a hotel, would go in, do a line, and tell my girlfriend, come on, we got to go.

And we'd go across the street like fucking retards, pay another $44, stay in there for an hour, get the fuck out of there. You have no idea what a dick to do. What your girlfriend's saying? She thought I was crazy, but she was just. But she went to the ride. Remember when that scene in Goodfellas when he comes out? And he goes, when he gets out, what's the first thing he says? Where's the stuff?

And she goes, I threw it up. What do you mean you threw that? Pissed, yeah. The cops were everywhere. No. He's been thinking about the shit more than her. That scene was all about addiction. She got hands and knees and she's crying.

That's what crazy people do. That's how me and that girl were acting. And me too. Me and that girl were acting that way. Like crying and falling asleep. I always say this, Joe. I would say this. Like, and especially now since I've like, you know,

I saw addiction specialist for six months. I went to rehab, you know, all the things I've done in the last 11 months. And I've thus. realized, I have a preference of the kind of chick I would like to date. So does my disease. So I've dated several times for multiple years, women that would probably kill me, but my disease is in love with her because she's not busting my balls.

She gets up at 11 in the morning and I'm sitting there, still wearing the same clothes from last night having a fucking other fucking tall boy PBR where I got a line of coke in front of me and she's just like

cool finish that let's go get some fucking bloody mary's at 11 a. That's the kind of chick that

my disease wants me to date the flip side of that is true the type of chick I should be with is you know like a Terry type

or it's like she comes out it's 11 a.m. I got a line in front of me and I'm drinking a tall boy she's like

the fuck is wrong with you man what is wrong with you? Like, what are you doing? You know, I've broken up with her so many times because my diseases vote was higher. 51% or more. You know?

And then the flip side of that is true where it's like, there's been times where I'm like, I've dated girls for three years where the cops would come twice a week. I'm like, you guys are fucking fighting again. You guys are too loud. Your neighbors are fucking complaining. You know, my disease has a vote.

Not only how I live my life, but who I fucking date. Like, that's trippy, man. That is trippy. Like, the fact that, like, is that cunning, baffling powerful? That, like, I could date someone for two years because I'm 51% into drinking right now.

So is it hard? Or drugs or Coke or meth or whatever the fuck it is. Is it hard for you when you're, like, starting to date a new girl? Like, or is it like, do you know if you can trust them? Is like that what they do? No, not even that. I mean, you don't give a, a fuck. As long as they leave you alone

and I fuck, she sucks 20 dicks. Yeah. What do I give a fuck? She pays half her rent. She doesn't complain if I drink, if I bring a bottle home. Yeah. No, no, I understand that. I was saying like now when you date, are you worried that you're picking the wrong girl? That's why they say, like, you know,

like, if you're like in recovery, like they go, go a year without dating. Just go a year without dating. You know? And Joey now is like, I, you know, last time I was severer, where I was sober for three years, about 40 days in, started dating Danny Skirts.

You know? That went good for like two years. But then we broke up and shit went bad. And then eight months later, I was drinking again. You know, because I made her my shit and not like being fucking clean my shit. That makes sense, man.

That makes any sense. I did what you did, but I went back and forth. I had a woman that was good. Then we did drugs. Then we both cleaned up, and I didn't really dig it. Once we cleaned up. What do you mean?

Once you cleaned up, you saw it differently? Yeah, yeah, I saw it differently. And that's understandable? And we broke up, and then it was weird. Like, I liked women that were opposite me. Like, I didn't want to be with somebody who liked blow. I wanted somebody who liked beer. So we both weren't hooked on the same shit.

I never, I liked women who got high. I get that. I like the sex and the stupid freakiness at night. Get that, yeah. But the daytime living with chicks who did blow was a long time because now they're going through the same thing I'm going through. And now you just both lower the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I like those coach chicks. You don't like any woman with a shovel in her hand. Right. I didn't want to be. Let's dig lower. There's no way. Right, right. One thing I really made a point of in my life was that always, like somebody made a dumb remark around.

Why do you hang out with that guy? It doesn't get high. Let's get something. fucking straight. To me, I always, that was my refuge. What was? I wanted to hang out with people who didn't get high. When I was getting high, that was part of my

leaving my addiction. That was part of me being me that I hung out with people purposely that did not get high. So they didn't know what I was going through. They didn't know the signs. I love that. I love hanging out with people that do not get high because

I can't take hanging out with people. It's not safe to you. Yeah, it was my safety value. That's always kept me together. I like hanging out with people who don't get high. I like a couple people in my life who don't get high. There's some people who need to get high. That's a complete fucking different story.

But there's a lot of people who don't need to get high and you don't need them to get high. In fact, you hang out, you get a kick out of them. I'm curious. I'm curious about them. I'm like, why do you not need to get high? Like, you know, if I'm around a lot of people, I feel like I need to get high. I need something else to get me around these people. But then there are these people that don't need that.

And I'm so curious by them, then I'm like, how can you be around a lot of other people and still be happy and not be high? Does it make sense? I respect it. I respect it with all my heart. I have friends that have never gotten high, never touched a fucking thing in their life. Absolutely. And I look at those people, and I got all the respect in the world.

that they didn't fall for the dumb loopholes that I fell for in high school or whatever. Aren't you curious about that? Not at all. People have different beliefs. It doesn't matter how your parents raise you. Some people don't like that. Some people are exposed in an early age. I just don't like it, you know.

I don't like alcohol. I don't like the effects of a room full of drugs. I don't like it, you know. It got to the point. The last five years of my addiction, last six or seven years, I can't lie to you, I couldn't be around people snort and coke with me. If you were abroad and you were definitely going to suck my dick and we were going to have sex, come in.

But if you've got doubts, if you're not sure, listen, don't waste my time and your time, because I'd throw you out that fucking window. You've been chatting me up. I got a headache. I had to hear about your childhood and no blow job at the end of this fucking tunnel. I got to know who your manager is. Yeah, the whole fucking deal. It's, it was sick.

I was fucking sick. Like, I would not get high with anybody. Right. People would come up to me at clubs, man. I got blow. That's great. That's great. I don't do it.

And they go, what do you mean? I heard you do. No, I don't do nothing. I would have coke in my pocket. And say, no. No. And once in a great while, I'd do a bump and have a cocktail at the comedy club, but I have to get the fuck out of that.

On the road, too. On the road, too. Like, not around local people so no, no, no, no, no, no. No. I don't want to chit-chat. I would do that too. I don't want a chit-chat to know. I would do that too.

Because that's something they're going to know. And then you got to get chit-chat. And no, no, no. There was no chit-chat. Let me give some shout-outs. We've got to get the fuck out of here. Not really. Do that.

Why you get shout-outs? Can I go, can I run in Pee? Yeah, go ahead. Tammy Rink Cohen. Fabes, Bueno. Thomas Easter. Always out there plugging these motherfuckers. Jesse J.S.

J.I.J. James. J. J. Rama. Sean Thompson. The lifting game. and man stuff for you. How's that, you bad motherfuckers? Don't forget

The Savage Dad Tour starts January 28th in Charlotte and the following week, February 4th at the St. Louis Helium, you understand me? Tickets on sale, I don't know. Do what you need to fucking do. You read it your website. Looks good.

Yeah, it looks very nice. Scott did a great job that Scott's a fucking Savage. I haven't seen Scott for a while. He was in town. I think he's coming back. he said the end of January. What's up, dog? How are you feeling? It's fucking Thursday.

It's a beautiful night to be alive. We're telling some fucking sick of fucking diction stories. And there you are. But what about like you? Hold on. What are you saying? I had a stretch. Oh, this is what I want to ask you.

Good. Was it hard to sleep in prison? Like when you said he took a nap and, I wanted to ask, but the conversation went a different way. Like, when you said he took a nap in prison. I was like, how the fuck do you take a nap with like murderers walking around? Like, that was crazy to me. In county jail, there's two guys to a cell.

That's still too much. All right. When you lock the door. I would totally go to isolation. I would, oh, there is no way. Then when you get to like, when I got to the other place, it was one man cells. And they locked the door at night. And then when I got to whatever the fuck, diagnostic, it's a,

one man's cell. It's an iron bed pretty much. You put a sheet on a metal fucking bed. Jesus. And you slept, Lee. You just sleep. What are you going to do? You got to sleep. But the one that freaked me out was

the one like the camp. Because you said you were like an open area, right? Yeah, you were in open area. But still you have a door to your room. Did it lock? No. No. Fuck that. I don't remember. I don't remember. Oh, my God. Like, I've thought about it and I would like punch a guard

whatever you have to do, I would totally get isolation. I'd be fine. There's no way. There's no way. It's not as bad as people fucking think. They show American movies to scare you and shit. It's just men trying to get their lives together. Listen, when you come that close, when you're in a camp, you're so close.

Any smart guy goes, you know what? I got a family now. I got a second chance. I'm going to mind my business. A lot of guys mind their fucking business in those camps. They don't say two fucking words because they know. They're that much closer to being home. There's guys that there to be fuck-ups anyway,

and eventually they get caught. A bunch of guys in there got regressed. That means they catch you with a dirty U.A. There's snitches at those places. So the snitches got their ear out. So the snitches, every time they find out about the party, they go right to the guards and go test those guys. You follow me how it works?

So you have to be very careful. The prison knows who the snitches are, they don't talk much about them. If not, those guys, Guys will have you pissed. You know how many times I got pissed when I had the whole time I was in the system? Zero. Not one fucking time.

Once I got to the halfway house, they pissed me every time I walked in because they knew I was a fucking creepster. What's up, Jason? You're almost on a year. Yeah, man, like two, three weeks away. What advice do you have for somebody who made a resolution who said, this is it? I'm not doing pills no more because I got a lot of emails the last two weeks about people saying, you know, I would say this, man. I would say...

Do they need to read that? Just, you know, not everybody. Not everybody. Probably 15%, 20% of them might. But you know how you find out if you do, you go like this, man. I'm going to not, you know, I'm going to hit the pillow today, like, clean. And if I can do that, you know, for a couple weeks in a row, then I can do it for more. And it's like, like we said earlier, man, it's like, you know, I had this notion, like, I'm like,

I have a problem with surrendering, you know, because they're like, oh, man, you got to surrender because you're a fucking addict or a drunk or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, man, I'm not good at surrendering. Well, I had no problem to surrender. My driver's license. My apartment. My relationship with my girlfriend. My relationship with my family.

Like, I'm awesome at surrendering. You know what I mean? It's like surrendering to what? So it's like sometimes you just got to go like, all right, man, I'm fucked. So, all right. Then today only. Just like the way I drank, man. Like the way I drank.

I drank for today. I wasn't worried about the future. I wasn't worried about tomorrow. I wasn't worried about shit. I didn't get fucked up today. And I worry about tomorrow when tomorrow happens. So it's like, have that same sense of urgency. And if you cannot do that, you might need to look at rehab.

Because there are people that can do that and get sober. And I go, man, I was just like that far away from need and rehab. Because I almost couldn't do that. But if you can't fucking surrender daily for 30 days and be like, man, I'm fucked. Like, I have to not drink for 30 days since he was up. If you can't do it, rehab. You know? And you'll lower the bar, you know.

Everyone's bottom is different. You know? So you might have to lower the bar. You might, you know, shit might have to get really, really, really bad before you say, fuck it. but the two most dangerous words I can hear in my head fuck it when I hear fuck it I'm in deep shit dude

when I hear fuck it in between my ears when I hear in between my ears the two words fuck it nothing good has ever happened to me immediately after I hear those two words so when I hear fuck it

I have to get in an action because if I don't, it goes the other way, man. You know, within six months, I'm in jail bragging about how good the fucking chocolate chip pancakes are over at San Quentin. I've been there.

Oh, my God, tremendous. You know what I mean? No one day morning. Lee, you'd sit there and go, oh, my God. Yeah. That person heard fuck it. One year earlier, that person heard fuck it in his head

and didn't take a positive action. And a year later, he's bragging to some newbie in some sort of jail, but how good the fucking pancakes are at some other fucking intake at some other fucking jail in some other fucking county.

When you hear fuck it, man, you know, getting a fucking action. You ever hear fuck it, Lee? You know what, guy? You always feel like a, or I always felt like a dick here at thinking this, but I want to, because Joe, you lost a lot of weight. Obviously, the results aren't necessarily as bad

or as bad quickly. Like, you're not going to go to jail for getting fat. But I could really relate to a lot of what you said. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's a lot of what you said I really related to. And I think, because I know there's a lot of fucking big people listen to this show. And, like, people always look down on you. And I used to get pissed off.

Like, I used to get pissed when, like, people I used to, when I came out here and people I would work with go drink in the middle of the day. Yeah. And fucking do all that stuff. I love day drinking. Or drinking, like, at work. And, like, to me, like, and I was looked at. down upon because I was fat because I ate fucking cheeseburgers. And it used to piss me off.

And to me, it was like, obviously it's not the same hardness, but like sticking to a diet and that's what I want to ask you, Joe. It's like, there's times where you would go fuck it or it's hard to like when you're that big, when you're that far gone. Yeah, but it's like if you fuck up, it's like if you're on a diet and then you have one day where you fuck up, you don't go, because your head goes, hey man, we fucked up. So fuck it. Yeah, yeah.

Let's kick over the sandcastle. But there's part of you that's like, if you fuck up, cool, man, I fucked up yesterday. Let's say yesterday I got fucking hammered last night. I could drink for another fucking year and a half and really fuck my life up. Or I can go, you know what? Yesterday I drank and I'm right back on the fucking wagon again. Same thing with diets, man. Same thing with working out.

Same thing with jujitsu. Same thing with fucking comedy. Same thing with everything. You know? It's like progress, not perfection. Yeah. And everyone's like, and whatever is killing you, whatever your Achilles heal is, is like, we're either perfect or we're fucked. And the opposite of that is true.

It's like, I'm progressing. If I was going to start a diet and it was like, I'm going to start Monday. I'm like, let's say I fucked up Monday morning. I'd be like, oh, well, I should start Monday. I'll start in February. Yeah, I'll start in February. It's January 9th. I fucked up on Monday, so I'll start in February.

And you grant yourself 20 fucking four days. of fucking up and developing bad habits versus going, you know what? I fucked up yesterday. Today I'm a restart. The fucking guy in sunset next to the El Camadre is a Taekwondo school or Subbac Doe School. I know exactly. I used to live right behind it.

And I used to go to that Subbac Doe School all the time, you know. When I first joined, I went for like a month and then the cocaine took over. It was too rough. The plan was to go there and that would keep me out of Coke till 745. I love you. 6.45 to 7.45. That's the big phone hours for blow. That's what your phone is blowing up.

Especially with Patriot Days. Yeah, that's fucking, you know. Of course, that's 9-1-1. And I stop going. I remember I bumped into him. He goes, how are you doing? He goes, listen, don't be embarrassed. He goes, I just want to tell you something.

What's going on? I go on the road. I don't have time. He goes, so what days are you on? I go Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. He goes, come Tuesday at 10, once a week. He goes, I guarantee you, if you start just coming one Once a week, within a year you'll be there twice a week.

And it worked. And that's how I started losing away by going to the gym once a week. You know, I just go once a week. It's like a blind faith too. Yeah, it's like a fucking little thing. And next thing you know, one will become two. And then next thing you know, you meet a buddy there who says, hey, you're coming on Tuesday? Yeah, I'll come on to you.

You're going to come on two? Yeah. And even trippier is all of a sudden you'll meet people under you, almost like a period scheme. we're like, hey man, I don't want to fucking, I don't want to do this. And you're like, hey man, just do it once a week. And you're saying the shit that was told to you, you know? And now you're not, you know, you're a link in a chain, you know. And it's like somebody above you who knows more than you is giving you knowledge,

but you're also passing that down to people who are less than you. Paula's been taking some of the classes of the gym. And she said, like, right now it's really busy with people who are doing resolutions. And she says, you wanted to talk to this one girl because she could see, how, like, scared she was, but Paul was like, I wouldn't know how to do that. And the first time I worked out, this, like, this chubby black dude on a bike.

Like, I was doing a bike because the elliptical was too much after, like, 15 minutes. Was, like, we were just next to each other. And Paula could already do the elliptical for the entire time. So she left while I was doing the bike. And he, as soon as she left, he, like, hey, man, how long have you been doing it? I've been doing it for this long.

I lost this much weight. And, uh, just keep coming. And, like, you told me, like, it was going to happen? and then it happened like the next day or like right around the time. People know. People sense it. That's what I just said. I just said, be like, hey, just talk to that.

That I will say that. You know, people will sense. Good people. In like the last 11 months. Hey man, what did you do? You cut your hair. Did you shave? You put on some weight.

Like you lose some weight. You can go to the gym. Everything they guess is not what it is because it's like an inside job. You know, like what I did was I just quit drinking. So I did. Focus a little more on myself. focus a little more on my art, my craft,

being present, being there for my friends, apologizing more, admitting when I'm wrong more, the little things that, you know, what I'm doing dictates. But no one can guess what it is. It's like, hey, man, you look different, man. You got a different fucking glow about you. Because it's an inside fucking job.

You know, and like we were talking the other night, and you and I had a long talk about a lot of different things we were hanging on in the kitchen, like a few different times. He's just like, they are. You know, you look at the, I'm drinking the coffee. I was drinking the coffee. I remember. And you just, like, I'd notice you look at the coffee.

You know how many times I've noticed people look at what's in my hand? Because I like, hey, man, this guy seems like he's in a good mood. You know, subconsciously. Last year of my life, every time I seen Tebow in a good mood, it's because he lit up. It seems like he's in a good mood. Let me look at his drink. Oh, man, he's just drinking coffee. Now I wonder what's going on.

How good is that coffee? It's trippy, man. It's trippy to just be at a place, at least for the moment. I'm like, man, I'm cool right now. I'm cool just being in the kitchen talking to your ideas. Before, if I was on blow, if I was smoking, you know, if I was fucking smoked a joint, if I had nine Jack and Cokes hit me, I might be in front of you.

I might be listening to you talk, but I'm like, you know, I got to get that next fix. You know, where am I going? I'm not present. But then me and you are standing there by that freezer, present, talking as fuck. You know, but I still am at that point. So I look forward to like, and look, I've earned it. Might take me a year or two before people stop looking at my drink.

You know what I mean? Oh, shit. Okay, you just got a coffee. Oh, I just got a hot tea. Oh, I just got a Coke. You know, my friend, you know Jackie Gold? No. That's funny comic.

A female friend of mine, she'll always, every time she comes up, if I'm drinking a coat, she'll like, she'll smell it. Bobby Lee, too. Does that bother you? No, because both of them, we have that joke. So I remember, like, two years ago, Bobby Lee goes, what are you doing, man? What are you doing? I'm like, no, man, cool.

He goes, cool, you're cool. Let me take a drink. He's Bobby sober. Let me take a drink of your drink. I got that. Nah, man, he wouldn't drink that. What are you doing, man? That was Bobby.

Bobby's still sober. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's doing great. Bobby's doing great. He's actually very pivotal. Bobby, Tate Fletcher, a lot of people are very pivotal in what I'm trying to do with my life. And now he's like, you know, he's just come up. He was like, take a sip of my Coke just to be funny.

Because he knows it won't stop him. My friend Jackie, she'll like, let me smell your Coke for I drink it. It's like an inside joke, you know. Because a year and a half ago, you know, Bobby couldn't drink that drink. but I'd be playing it off like he could. I'm lying to everybody, but Bobby knew. You know, it's like,

it's accountability. It's like that sort of thing. So it's like, yeah, man, it will, you know, in answer your question, in a year-ish, I'll notice when people stop looking at my drink, you know?

Would it be hard? Because you were talking with Joey, so you were like engaged, but if you were just in there next to a bar, would it be, is it weird for you? No. Same thing, man.

I mean, people last night, I was like, oh, it's hard to be in a bar and where everyone's drinking. Man, it's hard for me to be an insurance seminar. Anywhere. You know, there's going to be a million times. Like, you know, I know every bar right around this corner. Like, if I wanted to go drink right now,

no one can stop me by me. Like, I have to want this lifestyle. I mean, people used to say, well, what are your triggers? When I get up in the morning, I get triggered. The weather, being awake. Everything triggered me. A movie. a dish I ate

It's a windy day And I like Romanticized drink You know Anything will trigger me Because that's my trick You know My trigger is being conscious

Well both of you have said You've had Like you had friends You were friends with all the bartenders And you were friends With coke dealers Sure But like how can you call them friends

If when they know They're trying to be sober They serve you Because it's not their fault They're doing their job They're just them I come into their lives They don't come into mine

you know I seek them out they don't seek me out so as I become friends with them to get what I want it's not their fault that I no longer need what they can give me

if that makes sense you know Lee out of the four Coke dealers I had two of them we just spoke over the holidays and New Year's and the one sent me

a Christmas card and the one called me I called him and he called back and the black guy I called me and he goes, you know you're one of my favorite motherfuckers. He goes, I don't just call anybody at a motherfucking Christmas. Right.

But till this day, you're one of my favorite motherfuckers in the world. So we always talk. When I'm by his house, I always call him. He'll call me and ask me if I have a spot at the store and come to the store and see me. We don't even discuss cocaine. I give him a hug and he leaves. I got a buddy like that. It's amazing.

No, no, no. I don't. He didn't do anything. Remember coaching horses? Yeah. Yeah, that used to be a, back in the day, that was a big, like, early. Like early late 90s, that was a Coke spot. And my dealer used to be there.

And you and I were talking room in the kitchen. I'm like, I could see that guy right now. And I'm in, I'm not cooking a while, but I could see that guy and still have to take a shit. If I'm walking around Farmer's Market, third in Fairfax, I see fucking English Dave walking up. I see him. I haven't seen him of three years. I automatically have to take a shit just because I bought so much coke from that dude

that my body assimilates I contact with this guy I have to take a shit because I'm about to do coke No no I see these guys I don't even think about it anymore I don't even think about it all anymore I couldn't even have seen my life there ever copping that life

talking to those people ever I was thinking of an interesting thing When I was 22 I remember being in the worst spot in my life And I'd be at this bar every night And saying What do you mean more spot of your life? I was just a young kid confused

Didn't know where I was going And I was scared But the coke and the life Covered all that fear I was just living my life Right And I would hang out at this bar And I would look at these people

And I despise these people I despise but they stood for. I despised everything about them. And I used to have to hang there. This was my headquarters at that age. You know, you're at a bar waiting for talking. You're not going to believe this.

My friend just bumped into a guy who was 80 Kualoot's. He wants to sell them for $2 a piece. And this is what you wait for. You're at your home club. You're at your home club. They're waiting for people to come to you with different bullshit stories. And I remember looking around one day going, I can't wait until I never have to go into it.

At 22, I knew I had an addiction. No. I think I did run around the same age. At 29, I came to grips with. 25. Once I went to jail and came out and went through the shit I went through and still love cocaine more than when I went in, after you do time for Coke and you come out and still want to get high,

you go, you know what, this is the deal. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to do my work. But three nights a week, I'm going to blast off for $50 fucking And that's why I came to terms I wasn't going to wrestle anymore I was sick and tired of doing

Coke and going that's the last time and ripping up the envelope and then going back into the garbage and getting it out and snorting salt that I threw away I was done with that shit I don't lie to the side I got to ask you something what's going on with Plunch Drugs boards talk to me Punch Unger's great

and especially now that Ari is back in town he's here until like March I think so it'll be all three of us in the studio which is great We got a lot of big bets that have to be paid off. Ari gets to use a fart funnel and fart in Sam's mouth next week. What was the bet for that? I think it was a college NCAA finals in basketball.

Sam lost. This is going on next week and punch drunk. Next Tuesday at 12 o'clock. In two weeks. Not this next one with the one after that. I might show up with Lee and a special black friend guest friend of mine. No, you will not. Yeah, it's time.

Any time, man. Lee gets a fart in the mouth. When can you do the show? When can you, when are you ever free on a Tuesday? If you bring a fart funnel in two weeks, tell Ari to get two fart funnels and we'll be that. Oh, why? You're going to make Lee get one hundred? Lee has had to have a fart in the mouth.

No. For three years. A chick, a black chick. No, what's going to do it? A chick from Colorado sent a picture. We have a whole system set up. It's basically like a beer, you know a beer bong? There you go.

I hate you so much. So you put one, the beer bong end in your mouth. Oh, but we're going to take the fart all around an asshole. No. And then they have to eat like bad fish, smoke a couple bad cigars, a couple 12 packs, the things that just say beer. Like just eat horrible things for 24 hours. And then they fucking fart in your mouth. And then you have to hit the beer bong, but like it's a bong.

You have to hold the fart in, hold it in, and then you have to exhale it. We'll be there with Lisa. out of the country. Yeah, noon to 2 is on all thingscomity.com. She told me she'll take 300, but I got to make sure she takes PayPal. Why aren't you, radio will now be based on Tel Aviv? What's that? I'm going to go to Tel Aviv.

Lee, you've been owning this to the fans. No, I haven't. You have a reason. If you owe it, we... Lee, you don't understand. I have a family. You have fans. If we can do a cross-promotion podcast with you getting a fucking fart in your mouth and

Sam getting one in his mouth? Why don't you open up the ear with a fart in your mouth? I'm not doing it in the mouth. I'll do it in the face. I'm going to put it in the fucking... So, wait a second. I'll only puke if I can baby work it to you. That's so gross.

Small commitments become big commitments. No, that's not a commitment. So hold on. Coco's right. What you're telling me is you'll take... You won't take the fart in the mouth, but you'll take the fart to the eyeball. No, not to the...

Who's in the eyeball? Well, where's she going to fart? Where do you want? Nowhere. She's not going to fart anywhere. Oh, right over the mills. You know. We're going to do hire a black hooker?

No, she's a nice girl. She just eats a lot. She loves. She loves Popeye's chicken. Yeah? So she'll fart in your face. Oh, my God. And it's over.

Or how about we give me the small deuce and she farts and you suck to fart in your tube? $200? $250. Oh, my God. We'll do a go-fund me. We'll do a go-fund me for Lee to get a fart to the mouth. No, because they're going to do it. I'm not doing it.

What would you take, 10 G's to fart to the face? 10 G's, I'll murder my mother for 10 G's. What do you need to go-fund me to be? for you to take like a tremendous fart to the face? Great question. What would it need to be? What's the number? What's the number? Yeah. What's the, what are the parameters?

You fart in your mouth and you hit it like you're taking a bonnet. No, no, I'm not doing the mouth. No, take it like a bong rip, hold in your lungs and exhale out of fart. There's no number for the mouth. If you want to discuss the face, that can be a inch. You exhale a fart out of your lungs. No. I'd rather kill my son.

that's terrible. It's the worst thing I've ever heard of anyone do. Well, Sam Tripoli has to do it in two weeks on punchtricksports.com on All Things Comedy Network. Tuesdays from noon to two. Ari Shafir is going to tape a fucking beer funnel to his butthole. And Sam's going to hit it like a bong. Oh, what is it already going to eat before?

A lot of horrible things, apparently. I want this chick to eat like Popeye's and get sick. Like your food poisoning. And then you lay on the table when she just farts and whatever comes out of her muffler. Pot of coffee, three cigars. Why not? It's a party. There's shit on you.

She might shit in a hose that's connected to your nose. But it doesn't mean it gets to your nose. Listen, you guys want the secret to New Year's resolutions. Make the first step real easy. Like the first thing you do every day. You got to put on underwear. This year, out with the old, in with the new. Those old fucking crusty things with the yellow around your ball sack.

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I've been six in Sunday. Yeah, no, no, no, and thank you for coming in. You should call me down the phone. I would have sent you to fucking see. No, yesterday is the first day I was good. Today's the second day. I was good. So do me a favor.

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And again, like Nature Box, like me on these, everything gets delivered to your door. That's the simplicity of dealing with Uncle Joey. I don't make it tough for you. You don't have a pick nothing up. But look, who is it? UPS and they just leave it there, all right? That's it.

That's what you want. You don't want people bothered. I want to thank Jason Tebow. Don't forget to listen to him on Punch Drunk Sports on Tuesday. I want to thank my main man, Lee Syatt here, fucking high as ever. He needs a fucking rehab. An exorcism. He's a little perverted Jew.

That's why I love him now. Tebow, I'm proud of you. Almost one fucking year. I want to have you. I want to have you come back and do reports and talk to people. Just people going through this, man. And I'll say this. Last time I did this show, I got to hit up by a lot of people.

They were like, hey, man, I really related to what you had to say and blah, blah, blah. And a lot of them I've continued friendships with and we've talked. If anybody just need someone to fucking rap too about this sort of, you know, what we're talking about, which is serious shit. At the T-Bon Twitter, you know, mention me that. I'll follow you so we can DM or, you know, Facebook, Jason Tebow. Any of that shit, man, you'll find me. And, you know, if I can do anything to help you have what was so freely given to me,

I'm your guy, man. Thank you very much for putting that off. Now you've got no more excuses, cock sucker. Now you got no excuses, all right? Lee, I love you. We'll see you motherfucker Sunday and Monday. We'll be back like herpes. Thank Jason Tebow.

I want to thank my man to fly and you. Uncle Joey here. We love you. What's the email? Church.com. If I get them, they go to different fucking places. Yeah, church.com on Gmail. Church of what's happening now?

I'm part of gmail. That's it right there. Send me an email. Amazon.com, whatever the fuck you want. Uncle Joey's here. I love you. I love both of you guys.

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What papers? The papers. I need the papers, Joey. Are you strong enough to be my...