The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #346 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: January 12, 2016

Steve Simeone, Comedian and host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by: Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey to start your free trial today Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Music:    For The Love Of Money - The O'Jays I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Fame - David Bowie

Leave him in the rental car. Leave him in the rental car. Fuck him. I'll drop this kid off in collar buses. This ain't my boy. What happened here? Look as I massacred my boy. I'm Jewish.

This kid looks like a fucking wash him. His little haircut. You see his little Beatles' hair? I was already losing my hair. He had glasses on. He was working. Oh, that was like two months. I never wore them.

I still need them, but I never wore them. I start the podcast, please. Now I've got to get your ophthalmology fucking record. No, I'm an eye doctor and I just start the fucking thing, please. Here we go. Okay. This show is brought to you by Headspace. The Headspace Take10 program is a 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy modern life.

Download the free Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash Joey. show is also brought to you by Steve, you have no idea how much anxiety this song gives me Hold on to this part I think I press the cord This show is also brought to you by Onit Okay, Anit.com

Use Code Word Church to get 10% off all their great optimization products like alpha brain in new mood And go to hit e6.com Better Tasting, Longer Lasting, use coeridge Joey's Church to get $5 for $50. That's a good deal.

Oh shit. Monday, January 11th. This is it, cock suckers. The church of what's happening now, bitches. Making it happen. Fucked up to the gills. It's a new year, bitches. Wait the fuck up.

What? What? The Jew National Anthem right here. Money, money, money. Fuck it. When you're like 13. They lock you in a room They put a bag over your head And they turned the light off

And they put this on replay Like a motherfucker for 12 hours You leave there like a savage They don't even feed you They put black shoes on you Oh shit What? Check the old shoulders

We got no shoulders Look at you with your winter jacket on All right All right What's happening You bad motherfuckers Sorry about the inconvenience There was something wrong

With one of the fucking chords then YouTube gave us a fucking hard time. We paid the bill, bitch. Anyway, Steve Simone, the motherfucking house. My main man, the ambassador of the Jewish people, Lee Boom, Boom, Sayat. Look at him. There's a winter jacket on.

I'm living in fucking California, 70 degrees out. Well, you have the AC on here. That's what I'm trying to tell you people. That I got to tough in this fucking kid up. What AC? I can have a fucking igloo in this motherfucker that don't call for you getting a jacket on. Take the jacket on. Take the jacket off. You're making me nervous.

You're waiting for us to get hit, and you're going to run out the back. door with some shit. You know something I don't know. What's happening, beautiful people? Your Uncle Joey here. Hope you had a great weekend. The church is back in full effect. My main man over here, Steve D. Simone,

family. Been together a long fucking time. Guest tonight. Thank you for having me. You know, it's so weird that we all do different things in different ways. And lately, the more and more I talk to the man with the jacket

on. It's amazing how much different how you keep your soul clean. Like, you're really like one of the guys that you don't drink no more. You never really ever ever once in a while. But when you did drink, you fucking get this look in your eye like the Indian was making a comeback.

You'd start hugging peep and kiss and you're like, Henry Hill. And you found different outlets. And it's so weird how, as you get older, you go, you know what, that's not worth it. That's not worth it. Why, Lee and I were having a discussion about how we watched the 7-5, and the guy asked for a $24,000 deposit to talk to the drug dealer just to make sure he was right. Wow.

If he's making $3 million a month, $24,000 is what he spends at the bodega on fucking what-so sticks that we eat as a kid, not bad. Slim Jim. Slim Jim. You've got a fresh slim gym when you're high. It's like hitting the fucking jackpot. So delicious. It's better than $900 million. Sometimes you got a stale slim gym

That shit will fucking set your back Yeah, you won't even want it But a good slim gym And you go back and get a can of the dry ginger rail It's the little things What's up? What happened? What are we talking about?

You were talking about the drug dealer 24,000? 24,000. It's so weird how he did it Just to make sure Everything was fine. Sometimes I used to work for a car dealer And everybody said that

When you worked and worked for this guy You got a lot stronger He taught you to do things. It was amazing how for years I had worked with these guys and they were doing, they had great results. But my life changed when I started working for this little Jewish guy named Marty Presler. That's great. He was a six-foot-four fucking mound of a Jewish guy that he sold Coke part-time. And he didn't have a lot of salesmen, but everybody who went to work from said,

bro, when I came here, I was struggling to sell six cars. Now I sell 15. Wow. Because he was dead because he was dead. because he was a Jew and he was an old school Jew. In the car business, you come in, I drive you, when you get back, you know, he would always go, make the guy fall in love with you.

He was a Jew from fucking, like, Brooklyn. And he would say, make the guy fly. And he was always very bland. That's where he won. His face never changed. There was a little bit of smile. He was like Clinice with and Dirty Harry from time to time. He would smile, but it really wasn't a smile.

Gotcha. But the one thing he told, bought me that went with me forever was go out there tell him the number and then get a deposit and for two fucking for two or three weeks i wouldn't get a deposit dog and he'd go you didn't get me a deposit no yo come here go in there get me a fucking deposit you just lost a half a deal next time you get a deposit every time i came out and said this guy said he'll pay 18000 right now was a deposit i didn't have to get a deposit he made me an offer hold on Available salesman to the desk.

I fucking want to shoot this motherfucker. But it was a valuable lesson. That cost me $4,000. He made his point. He made his fucking point. And I go and then get a deposit. And he'd tell you to get the deposit from the guy because that would show you.

He would break it down on paper, too. He was that type of Jew. Listen, the car is $23,000. Okay? I need 10%, which is $2,300. Give me $5,000 check right now. So I go back to my manage and get you this card deal. And he won't stop there.

Get me, like, let me get your watch. Wow. Let me get your shoe. And the reason being that way they know you're serious. You know, like, that's what that lesson always taught me, that you're fucking serious. You know, sometimes you ever take a gig and don't ask for a deposit? Yeah. And you get off the phone and you're like, eh.

Yep. And all of a sudden you get down and there's no hotel room. You're going to stay at the sister's house. Absolutely. That happened in the family. You're going to stay at the cousin's house. The guy's going to drive. You know what?

Here it is. but they shouldn't be in business. Yeah, you know what? I need 500 deposit plus. I need this. I need a ride to here. I need two hotel rooms. They don't have to be fucking Denny's,

but they got to be fucking, I don't want no blood stains. Right. I don't want no fucking bloodstains, you know. But you always got to ask for deposit to know people are real. And that guy used to want, once I got good at it,

now he's like, I'm teaching you something else now. I'm going to teach you how to blow people's wigs off and bring them back because on the comeback they're going to give you what you want that's a great lesson so leave how much how much is your card word uh i blue booked there for 22 and i booked it out at 47 yo someone come in there going there and ask the guy for seven thousand dollars for the fucking car but boss it says 59 99 on the window yeah go over there to ask me for seven thousand dollars. Hold on one second. A lot boy come over here. Let me scratch that number off

the flipping window going in and get him for seven thousand dollars and this guy would come back with 67 plus taxes plus dealer handling and I drew all over myself the guy set himself up seven thousand I'll never pay seven thousand the most I'll give you a sixty two hundred now you got them yeah you got them at 62 you got a profit you got a $600 deal write a check give me a check for the amount right now. Let me get the credit app. Yeah, but I just made him off. We don't even know. Let's got a five-liner. And he would tell you to always write it down, that that's control.

Gotcha. When you wrote it down, never give somebody a credit app and let them fill it out. You always tell you, I mean, these things I don't let you do. I just went through the process of getting a car. They don't let you do any of that. No. See, that's all wrong. That's all fucking wrong. That's the control prospect. You know, we've discussed

a thousand times on the show that the microphone on stage is a control thing. Half of us don't need a microphone. But the microphones that lets the audience know that you have the room, that you have control. It's amazing. It's the little fucking things like that that cut a deal

and have. Led Zeppelin. Led Zeppelin had a fucking manager. When they were on top, once they got the 71, 72, and they had outlived the Beatles and they were fucking selling, the manager from the fucking thing would go, Lysa, how you doing?

Yeah, Billy Bang. Yeah, great to major. Oh my God, last time we saw you, we partied out those three hookers, sucked our dick, and let them on fire. Yes, indeed they did. Listen, Led Zeppelin's doing a major tour. Really? Great to hear that. Yeah, they're doing a major league fucking tour and we want to do three nights at your fucking club. What does your fee to sit? We're sitting 18-5, but between you and I, the fire department doesn't have to know we really could do 19,000 you know 1,000 9,000 we could do 1,900 seats okay 1900 seats all right this is what we're going to do we're going to do 1900 seats at 1900 apiece you know like that's what lends up and the guy would do so he'd do

1,900 times 12 dollars and 50 cents a ticket equal 23,000 dollars times three Fuck, $23,000 times three, $69,000, 70,000. Okay. What do I need to do the three nights? Standard deposit, $30,000? A guy from Led Zeppelin would go, no. I want the whole fucking amount. But wait a second.

We haven't even sold the ticket. It's not my fucking problem. Yeah. You want Led Zeppelin. You pay the whole envelope in front before I even give you the fucking dates. Wow. He didn't give you a breeder this motherfucker. It was never done before, but it made them even more powerful.

He never let them do a live TV performance. He didn't want them to be like everybody else. Why can't they do live TV? He didn't want them to. Why do the Ed Sullivan show? Why do the Tonight Show? Then Led Zeppelin. They stand it for something else.

It was a whole psychological fuck note to your fucking mind. You know what I'm saying? That's a whole lot of love. They demanded what they demanded. That's a whole lot of love. It was over. People were sucking dick and squirt and sperm on their face and lighting themselves on fire.

This is a whole lot of love. It was a fucking, it was an anthem. Yeah. It was 1972, whatever, 71, 73. The war was over. You know, a whole lot of fucking love was an anthem. They did what they wanted to. Can you imagine it?

You can't do that to a comedy club today. Call up a comedy club. Hey, Steve Simone's come into town. You see 200 people, correct? Yeah, we're going to do five shows, 1,000 to 20. Yeah. That's 24. fucking thousand do me a favor cut me a check

and overnight it to me right now what are you talking about what are you listen I'm telling you right now he's going to sell out yeah so I'm keeping the fucking door and you're keeping the bar that overpriced fucking vodka you're selling well aren't there some comedians who could do that absolutely but it would be

you know you get your standard deposit 10 20% Kevin Hart you got to give him the fucking moon the stars you know Amy Schumer Lucy K Gabriel Gracious, they demand what they demand

standard. But see, when they do those theaters, you pay for those theaters. Those theaters don't become a comedy club. Let me tell you some, those theaters, rob you. Those theaters, that's why a lot of times those theaters, comics want to do three hours. You don't see Chappelle doing no 22-hour show at a theater, do you?

Yeah. You never seen Chappelle do four hours of the fucking theater? Because after an hour and a half, that's union cost. You got eight motherfucking teamsters on the clock, and you got to pay them at $36 an hour, dime times too. So while you're cracking jokes up there, you got to sell

a million tickets to pay that fucking nut. They'll tell you, you got to get off by 11 o'clock. After 11 o'clock, you pay a fucking Vig. You know, when I was a kid I'd go see concerts at the garden and they went over. I didn't know that now, you know, like now I think about the people who didn't do

an encore, and you left pissed off. They suck. They didn't do an encore. Now I know, yeah, because it cost them a thousand dollars. Fuck you. Fuck you're on Once I go in, I go into hibernate. I'm like the fucking February thing. The ground hug. Yeah, I'm like the ground hug.

That's a start. Yeah, so it's a, you know, it's different. All that stuff is just mental salesmanship. They beat you with their mind before you even, that's mental salesmanship. You know, it's a setup to the sale. Yep. You know, and you learn a lot of that. And now we're bumping into it in our daily lives.

we were discussing so many, well, I bump into it, and it doesn't. We were talking about when I did the sports betting thing. Okay, you call a guy. Every Sunday you go into the office and go, Steve, I need more leads. Lead gives you a stack of leads that the other company on the other side of the room had already called. Remember we discussed this? There's one big company, but there's two other companies the rooms divided into. So the first company is All-Star Sports.

That's our big company. That's who everybody's with all-star sports. But half the room is with fucking professional pimps. And the other room is with all-day players, sports service. And all we do is the lead goes through all-star sports. Then they go to day player, and now they come to you. Because you're the low man on the totem pole. You've got to wake these motherfuckers up after two people that we know already take them to the cleaner.

on this sheet you already have their visa card with their expiration date and everything you know everything about that you call these motherfuckers up and go hey lisa at how you doing fucking pete the heat everything all right who the fuck are you pete listen i'm i'm here who am then you become jopay who am i who am who am i let me tell you who i am last night i made two hundred thousand dollars go fuck your mother you're a thief and they hang up on you that you got to call him back hey pete listen let me let me just let me just let me just just talk to you. Go fuck yourself. Don't call here no more. Then you give it 15

minutes and you call him back again. And the wife answers. Hello, who's this? It's Pete the heat. Tell him to pick up the phone. Now, listen, my husband doesn't want to talk to you anymore. He stopped gambling and they hang up on you. You know what? And then you call again. Like at 2 in the morning

and you leave up. This is when you get home. This is where the psychological fuck comes in. You get home at like 11. I used to snort Coke and take like 10 numbers home with me and all coked up. I just dial the number from a pay phone and they'd be like who's this or they wouldn't answer to go on the machine hey Steve pique the heat do me a favor tomorrow I got a lock that'll fuck to make your wife's pussy here as carol up call me at 1-800 sports that's it you left the number

guess what if you're the degenerate gambler you're going to write that number down yeah that's like that dealer somebody comes up and goes I sell coke really let me get your phone number you don't need them right now but you're going to need them yeah you keep his card because you don't need right now, but you're going to need them. Just praying on people's weaknesses. How do you learn how to do this? Like, when I worked for companies, they had training

like training sessions. Like, how do they teach you to, like, torment these people? Or it's just like, because you just know how to do it. When you're a salesman, you got to remember that. People run, people don't run on a straight line. People

run like this. Your job is to catch me here. Sometimes we catch them down here. It's an uphill battle. Come on down and buy a car. Fuck you. You know, do this. But something.

All the stars come together. Bam, they got their dick sucked. They got a raise. They got a bonus. They want a lottery ticket for $69. Right. I'm going to go buy a car. I'm feeling lucky.

Bam! I just caught you. You went to your grandmothers for her dinner and she gave you 50 bucks. That's your lucky 50. You're betting the Boston Celtics tonight. Bling! Who's this? Nicky the Pete.

Pete, why you keep bothering me? You know I don't gamble no more. Cut it out. Cut it out. Listen. What are you got on the Celtic game tonight? And they break. Yeah.

What are you talking about? What are you going to the Celtic game tonight? What are you going to the Celtic game tonight? Well, I like the Celtic. Bam, you got them. Took you three weeks for this motherfucker to break down, but you got them. I'm saying I like the Celtics. Bam, it's over.

You know what? We like the Celtics, too. But let me tell you something. The total is coming and even stronger. What are you talking about? See, you like the Celtics. But the real money tonight is a parlor. What are you going to do?

You're going to bet a yardstick on the fucking Celtics? Whoopty-do. What are you going to pick up 110? What are you down? $10,000. I'm not down. How do you know I'm down? I didn't say you were down.

The insecurity. That's it. Boom. They're talking, Lysayette. You got them. The truth serum. So what are you talking about? Listen, I got a way for you to make $25,000 $100.

What are you talking about? I don't gamble no more. I'm going to hang up. Stop talking to me this way. But they're still on the phone? Oh, they're still on the fucking phone. Listen, do me a favor. I got a total that's going to...

What are you usually a better game? I've been doing 200. You're a liar. You bet 500. You're lying. You don't tell them that. You've got to assume they're betting five. And that's when you bang them out.

You got to do math quick on your toes. All right, listen. You're going to bet the Celtics for five. I'm going to give you a total. You're going to bet them for five. And you're going to bet 500 on the total on the parlay. Okay? You're going to walk out of here.

2250 tonight just alone now I got a call coming in from a Jew in Michigan this guy talks to every football fucking ref he knows and he's got something coming in on Saturday so do me a favor this is how this rolls throw me two deuses I usually go for 350 put 200 in Western Union pay me the 150 tomorrow after you pick up the 2250 you're sure it's gonna come in it's gonna come in can you give me a hint there ain't no hints in my world but if I don't get that guy after about three weeks a lot of Guys, just throw them away. What throw them away is they get them a free game.

And they take it from there. And I was telling Lee that it's the same thing when you give somebody a service for free. It never pans out. Like one thing I learned from the car business is the people that you sold the car to and you made $185 are the people that are going to come in every 90 days and torment your fucking life. It's not worth. Excuse me. Excuse me.

The windshield don't work. Excuse me, the heater. Can I get a ride to see caucus? What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. The people that you fucking feel bad when they sign the paperwork, like you're saying prayers. Yeah. Like, God, please don't hit me in the head with a lot of me in bulk because you just made $8,000 on a lease.

Yeah. Those are the people that bring their fucking mother back and their cousins and everybody buys a car from you. It's really weird how the psychology. I hate how the world works. How the psychology of that whole thing is. Why do the airlines got that? They just rip you off. They don't give a fuck.

American Airlines, they put a fucking gun to you. They're the worst. Half of these motherfuckers, they put a gun to your edge. What about health insurance? What about health insurance? I just paid my first month for this year. It went up $50 after last year. How much for your health insurance?

$3.50 a month. You're telling me you lost weight. You get your little dick sucked once a week. Yeah. It's lightened up a little bit. You're taking heart aspirins. You're breathing some air. You're looking good.

Look at you. Your head's shiny. You used to walk in here all pale like some fucking mukeach. Look at you now. I'm still pretty pale. No, you're not. Well, your legs are like mine. My legs look like fucking bone.

You look at your legs after like the wintertime here. They're like bone. And you're too embarrassed to put you like, fuck it, I can't wear my shorts now. People are going to be embarrassed. So you're going to wait for like a sunny day and sit in the yard with sun tan lotion. Catch up a little bit. Like a fucking reeking. You got to sit there.

What are you doing? I'm putting sun tanning my cabs. I'm pissed that I never used a pool in my old place. You have a pool and you use it. You have to use it. You have to use it. It's awesome. It's an insult to God.

If you're blessed with something not to use. use it you got to use this pool up by my house is just a bit on the weak cold side and they got that that ymca is like a fucking polish ymc yeah they got no towels they got no blow dryers you go to fucking hollywood they got everything cute tips you could be homeless and live at the ymca in hollywood yep you could be homeless and at least go in there workout sign up for a program and take a shower they got towels they got shampoo they got fucking cute tips they got blow dry they don't have gel they got shavies that's nice they got shavis that fucking pulled the first layer of epidermisopsy thing, but at least you

fucking shave it. The first time I went to North Hollywood, I went for a fucking thing. The only thing in Hollywood that sucks about that YMCA is that when you open the door to go from the fucking pool to the sauna, the shower, and the locker room,

you've never experienced that cold weather. It's a fucking the end. I'm very sorry. It's the end of a tube. So, You get out of the pool, you open the door, and you walk this way. It's very simple.

But there's a walkway in there that's connected to outside. So in the morning at 6th, here you are in the sauna, and then you go on the steam bat, then you take a shower, then you go back in the sauna for a couple minutes, just to get nice and ripe. And you make a run for that fucking door, and you jump right in that heated pool. It's paradise. It's fucking paradise. But that 10-foot walk is one of the worst fucking walks I've ever had in my life. They should incorporate that walk when they can.

you. Like when they kill you, just to let you know what you're fucking about to encounter you. What, Lee? Why are you making faces for, cock sucker? Who, ISIS? Or, like, who do you want to have to do that? Why must there always be a particular with you? Can they not just be generalities? Let's say somebody was going to the chair. I'm just saying, let's say somebody was going to the fucking chair. Yeah. Right? Right. That'd be the last walkway. That's how fucking brutal it is. You don't want it to be this. You don't want it to be this? Look at this. Not that one.

Yeah. That's the beginning of the Twilight Zone in the old days. Like in the fucking really, really old days. That's what it started with. That's why you were freaked the fuck out. And there'd be little circles going around and around. You see those circles going around there, and that's Satan's worked. I don't like any of that stuff.

What's up there, my brother? Nothing. I was thinking about what you were saying about that going from the hot to the cold. the Russians at the Hollywood gym I used to work at. They used to do that on purpose. They'd go from the sauna, blazing hot. And then they'd jump in the freezing cold shower. That was a fucking sauna at the Hollywood gym?

Yeah. The Hollywood gym was straight up gangsters. That was three floors of gangsterisms. But you know what? The boxing program up there. Great. Matt Damon was there. Dunso, Washington was there.

He had four Academy Award winners, Nicholas Cage, and somebody else. He had four that dude. Then they got into a fight with him, and he took his action somewhere else. It was a great gym. He was in the boxing movie with Denzel. Didn't Denzel do a boxing movie guys? He did the hurricane. Yeah, he was one of the black fighters in the hurricane.

I used to see Denzel there. What a nice guy. Legitimately nice person. We watched the Golden Gloves last night. Not me. I got to tell you something. And this is my opinion. People are going to like this opinion.

Ricky Jervas is one of the funniest fucking people. Yeah. ever seen in my life his time you know listen even if somebody wrote those jokes from which i doubt because he says him with some what with such confidence and such um what's the word i'm looking for not common you have to be a comic to hear it like the ownership you have to go somewhere else and hear it when i when my wife put it on i was in the kitchen and that's when he was going into the thing that guys guys it's not going to be that type of show this kid's watching i've changed i've changed I've changed.

Not, whatever change, you know, Kylie Jenna. That's funny. But I've changed. I've changed. And he went off on that.

He just went off on a lot of little things that were really funny and you could tell it irks to people. Yeah. He hits hard. Oh, I remember the last time everybody.

He doesn't curse. He cursed like two or three times. You can tell he's tanked. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Having a good time. I watched the last. I like all that shit.

I was telling Lee. I never, ever. ever got so fucking aggravated. What do you got? I have the opening if you want to watch it. Let's watch the opening. Look how fucking funny this motherfucker was.

He was a badass last night. He's funny. So you're going to Denver with Ari? I think so. I didn't know I was doing it, but I think I'm doing Denver with Renazizi and Ari. Get two weeks there. I love it there.

Shut up. You disgusting pill-popping sexual deviant scum. I want to do this monologue and then go into hiding. Not even Sean Penn will find me. Snitch. Hello and welcome to the 73rd annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel.

Daniel Tosh times 10 is that fucking good. With all these rich, beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives, let's hope no one spoils that. Yeah. I'm gonna try and be nice. Your global megastars with amazing talent, most of you. A few of you just married well.

You know who you are. We all do. We all do. We all do. We're live on NBC and it's right that NBC hosts this award show because they're the only network who are truly fair and impartial. And that's because they're the only network with zero nominations.

So... Nothing in it for them tonight. They don't care who... they don't care, obviously. But as I say, I'm going to be nice tonight. I've changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously. Now Caitlin Jenner, of course. What a year she's had.

She became a role model for... trans people everywhere showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn't do a lot for women drivers, but you can't have everything, can you? Not at the same time. Anyway, so I am going to be nice tonight and I'll tell you why. The president of the Hollywood foreign press just told me if I say anything offensive or crass or resort to innuendo, he is going to come out here and personally pull me off. So that's an for I could refuse. Yes, yes, that is the level.

An old man pulling me off. Again, at least Jeffrey Tambo did it in a dress. What an actor, what a role. Look at this fucking guy. He didn't know what to do. First, Jeffrey Tambo. He's just locked up, though.

clothes and hair and makeup and let people film it. That takes balls. So I don't know how he does it. I really don't. I've seen these balls. They're huge and long. I don't know if he tucked him in the bra or does that thing when you push him out the back and let him hang out like a bulldog.

No one knows. No one knows. I don't know if that's because he's such a great actor or because he reminds me of my nan. One Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away

from the chance of winning a golden globe, particularly if their film company has already paid for it. I'm telling you, this is fucking gold, man. So what's happened this last year in this crazy business we called show. The excellent spotlight has been nominated. Yeah.

The Catholic Church are furious about the film as it exposes the fact that 5% of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever. Oh, my God. Look at his face. That's coming, ladies and gentlemen.

the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood. And she received, yeah, overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, how the hell can a 25-year-old live on 52 million? This is... There were plumbers around the world going, Poor girl in town, that's rocking hell. So, but joking aside,

of course women should be paid the same as guys. paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I'd like to say now that I'm getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year for hosting it. No, I know there was two of them, but it's not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That's their stupid fault. It's funny because it's true.

The Hollywood foreign press deemed a Martian a comedy and even nominated it. And hence, Matt Damon is here tonight. So that worked a treat, isn't it? To be fair, the Martian was a lot funnier than pixels. But then again, so was Shinders' list. Just a film. And that's a rule full of juice.

All female remakes are the big thing. There's a female remake of Ghostbusters. There's going to be a female remake of Ocean's 11. And this is brilliant for the studios, because they get guaranteed box office results, and they don't have to spend. too much money on the cast. So,

shut up, I don't care. Listen, if you do win tonight, remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do. But no, it's true. He's got great timing. He says the toughest

shit in a room full of the toughest people with the best fucking conviction that I've seen, you know, and we're at the comedy store, we see people with great conviction. And this guy's great. He's fucking great.

Do people listen to his podcast? I haven't listened to his podcast. No, I haven't. It's not like number one. I thought it'd be like fucking hilarious. And I know that at times he gets on people's nerves. He says shit. I think he charges for it, doesn't he?

That's brilliant shit right there to me. That's brilliant shit. In a room full of stiffs too. Like he's hitting him hard. Guys, you know, you see people doing stand-up specials and everybody's laughing, you know. You have no idea what it is to do one of your best jokes and people stare at you. And you keep going and they stare at you and they don't get it.

I went to the fucking club outside of Chicago. It's not the Chicago Improv. It's the... Schaumburg. Schomburg Improv is like the House of Fucking Horrors. Like, that's where you go and they turn the fucking place into the House of Horrors on Halloween. Play the music. No, no more fucking...

It is the House of Horrors. Like, they were so uptight. But they weren't uptight for just Ari and me. They were even uptight for Rogan. When Exodus came on by, what's the black dude? You know, movement for the people. Bob Marley? Bob Marley.

They were stiff. I had never seen anything like that in my life. The other day, my wife was saying to me, what type of comedy clubs do you like performing it? And I told the list. I said, listen, I liked the club with a guy who, owns a place or runs a place makes you feel

just a tad special. Yeah. People are home like, Joey, what do you mean by it? Does you have to get your limousine? No, there's some clubs that you work and you don't even see the guy all weekend. Yeah.

You know what that's like? That's like you flying into somewhere and the guy that fucking, you know, your uncle doesn't show up all weekend or something. Yeah, it hurts your feelings. It hurts your feelings. Yeah.

I work at so many great clubs where you feel connected to them when you go there. It's like visiting family. Yeah, it's like visiting family. Yeah, I love it. And then there's clubs that you go and it's basically a paycheck. And you know what, a guy like me doesn't even want a paycheck like that? I want to go somewhere where it's going to, if I got a fucking pack and dread going to your fucking club. Then it's not worth it.

It's not fucking worth it. You know, if I don't like nothing about your club now, I just don't go that, you know. my wife goes I don't understand Now do a lot of the club owners hang out When you go to governors in Long Island Mark's there That's cool

Mark's there He's always there unless the baby's being born Or something acceptable You know when you go to Jersey Vinnie Brand is there You know when you go to some improvs You don't see the owners But the managers are so dynamite

Yes You know West Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale The couple The guy and the wife Melissa Fucking great management team. You know, when I was a, when I first started in comedy, it used to be the people at the Comedy Cabana in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, Christine and her husband, Jeff. You know, I remember

one time eating peppers with Jeff in the back room and he goes, my father's one of the top heart doctors in the country. And if you ask any heart doctor, they won't tell you, this is the best food you get to eat. Hot peppers? Roll peppers. Any of those green peppers and yellow peppers and red peppers, bell peppers? He goes, this is the best thing. you could eat for your fucking heart. I was blown away. I always ate peppers after that. The yellow peppers, they're rich in something.

That's great. They're really rich in something that people don't talk about. It's like those things that doctors don't want you to know because, you know, shit like that. But then you work in places where you're just fucking uncomfortable. I used to work this club guys in Saginaw, Michigan and Traverse City. The guy was older than debt. he was a fucking monger okay listen to me 22 years in comedy nobody's ever paid made me pay for a hotel and they pay you for the hotel on Saturday night this is how cheap this guy was he wouldn't

even pay for your hotel you've had a check in pay for yourself and then he would give you if the room was 58 23 a night he would give you 58 23 a night he would give you 58 23 a night instead of just giving you 120 or something and giving you $5 for a cat, you had no idea. The guy was just a fucking dickhead and he did it as a write-off

or something. He was like a, he was like, I heard the story from the waitress. Me and one of the waitresses became great friends. She was just a, she had weed and she had kids

and she had a husband. Wait, the entire club was a right off? It wasn't a club, guys. It was a fucking theater. that sat like maybe 180 people and you it was no dough guys

I did it for the sake of comedy and to be out there it was the type of weeks there were price leaders I used to call them you just break even you break even because it's not worth me paying

$800 to make $600 at your club so what I need to do is book three weeks to make it worth So if you give me another six, that's 12. And if I could put together a string of one-nighters at 200 apiece and do five of them, that's a thousand. So I made $2,200, but the plane ticket was six. It was worth it.

You follow me, the plane ticket was eight, whatever the fuck I said. So you have to figure out those days on your own. So even if you're making money on the weekend, one Sunday comes, it's a river durgy, Steve Simone. And here you are in Saginaw, Michigan. So you got to get, like, I know, there was no fucking hotel.com. or Bing that you logged on for the cheapest hotel room. No, you had a fucking call and find out what was going on and what are the weekly deals and what can you do for me Monday,

on the off days and shit. It was rough, so that's what you had to do. You had to put a shitty week in there. Sometimes it's better than not doing it. I'd rather make 400 as a feature for six shows than not to be working. They're not to be working. I'm already out here anyway. way it's four hours from where I'm at.

It's a $22 bus pass. I don't start until Wednesday. It's Sunday. He just gave me the week on Monday. In those days, Lee's, I used to get up on Monday morning and called Yoder. You go, Mr. Yoder, I'm in fucking Buffalo, New York, and I have next week off.

Can you find me something? He goes, no, no, no, call me back at 4 o'clock. This guy always found you something. Three hours from where you were at. Wow. And you took a bus. You don't have to be there until where. This was when comedy started on Wednesday, and it was like a bar.

The guy that does the radio on Buffalo now owned the bar in North Town, Wanda. And that was one of the first clubs, Yoda put me in. If I tell you what they paid me guys, it was embarrassing. But I love going to Buffalo so much and doing comedy that I did it. The condo is shit. The fucking club was kind of weird, but the food, for two, three days, I ate like a fucking bandit. That's great. It was a fun city.

every time I went to Buffalo, I saw a good fist fight. When you're a feature act and somebody's headlining and you're starting to kick ass and their scumbags, you get entertained. You really learn how to become a comic. You know, I know a lot of young comics that come around here and I talk to them, I go, you don't go on the road. And is it necessary to really go on the road? I'm not saying that you need to get it, but it builds you chops.

And when you go out as a feature in those days, I used to put this all together on my own. There was nobody. I would leave for six weeks of the time. Lee, 10 weeks, you know me. We've had a thousand discussions. Do I look like I'd like leaving for 10 weeks? But I knew I had to do it to become a really good comic. I knew I had to do it.

And it wasn't as much as getting on stage. It was the experiences that I endured, those buses. I used to take a bus everywhere, Lee. There was $39. I would get on a fucking great. Ralphie Mae and John Wesleyan used to laugh at me because they would drive me to that L.A. bus day. downtown that creepy fucking free jack down there that union station union station that's a scary

fucking place jack yeah and i would take that 11 o'clock bus to o'paso with a bag of coke on me doing bumps the whole way like santa claus with the fucking reindeer are you kidding me or what god but i knew i was paying the price for something i believed in and at that time i'd come back and Margaret Cho Tom Rhodes and Greg Haraldo

had been on and off TV as quick as can fucking be you know they forced them on too early the writers didn't work with them they didn't know how to connect their material to the TV show and the shows failed at that time the success of Tim Allen and Roseanne the networks were really

looking for next comedians and I remember that watching Tom Rhodes at the improv one night when I first got here at 97. And the show had just been canceled. He looked a little depressed. But he was going up on stage. And that meant a lot to me. I was like, if that happened to me, I'd pack my bags and go home like a pussy that I am.

And all of a sudden, I learned something from a guy that failed. Like, he didn't fail. His show failed. Right. But he went back to stand up. And I notice now the people that over the years I've been friends with that they got away from stand-up or whatever. stupid excuse and now the direction they didn't want to go to isn't going that way so they're trying

to get back into stand-up and i'm one thing i'm really happy about is that i always stuck it out with stand-up no matter how bad i mean you were on the set of the longest yard with me there was days where you used to look at me and go you know who would go to work after that who would get on stage after that i would get on stage on the weekends i would fucking do it man you know you see that shit around you that shit gets to your head sometimes you're like i just did a movie of burr reynolds Why the fuck would I get on stage anymore? I always knew it was going to help me. The more I got on stage.

And it did. It didn't. I see guys that got on TV shows didn't fucking work the program. And now the TV shows off the end. Nobody's going to see you. And now it's a different fucking game. Do you think you could make a living as an actor? Like, let's say, I don't know, like there was no comedy for some reason.

Lee, I talk to a lot of fucking people in the city right now. And I talked to a lot of actors. I just saw, what's the Denzel movie, American Gangsta? Yeah. Two times this last weekend. Once on AMC. I enjoyed that movie. Me too.

And one of the guys that played a cop with the cops when they go to the house and raid, and he says, hey, nice dog. And the guy comes over and picks up the thing, pick up the house. And he shoots the dog and the money's under the thing. That guy, I did two and a half men with him. we did four days a week before Christmas for one fucking scene at the end

but I always used to see him on auditions and they always say hello that gave me an opportunity to talk to him so the other day when I saw him an American gangster I said shit I haven't talked to that guy in a while we were talking about him being on the podcast and I fucking sent him on Facebook and he goes man my world this is dead

this is what happened to this business he goes they said it was in New Orleans and now they say it's Atlanta and all this shit. The actor thing is very fucking hard because it's not what it used to be money-wise either. They just had an article in variety

that was on Twitter. People retweeting it constantly. It's better if you recur now on a show and a series regular because there's no money in series regular money no more. And recurs? What's the difference? Recurs when I give you five episodes, four episodes, you're coming

for bigger money. If you're a guest star on a show, they'll say you okay Steve Simone you're gonna be a guest star on my show we're gonna shoot eight episodes you run every fucking episode where the work week is from

Monday to Friday it's unlimited we're gonna give you 4800 dollars yeah 40,000 dollars is what you got for three days back when I moved here 40 hundred hours is fucking nothing that's what's 48 divided by five

that's nothing that's not a lot of those scale is $700. So they want to give you $40,800 for fucking wardrobe and a table read. And people at home are like, fuck you, Joey, $4,800. You know how many fucking pork chops I can eat with $40,000? Not when you pay union dues.

And they bang you out three times a year. Plus, at the end, they bang you for a point in a half. Plus the commission, plus the fucking taxes. Are you people kidding me? I got to make fucking $50,000 just to get insurance. Break even. You have no fucking ideally. So if they're paying you $4,800 a week, and that's nothing.

And how many auditions do you have to go on the book that week for $4,800? Four fucking auditions. And then so Monday's a wardrobe and table read day. Tuesday's rehearsal day. Wednesday, you run it for the producers. Thursday, you run it for the network. And Friday, you fucking tape. And if your day starts at 6 a.m. Friday, you're there 11 o'clock.

Sorry. Fucking sorry. It's become something different. So if you recur, you go on there five times, maybe they'll give you $4,000 for your episode. So Steve's on the show, fucking six days. I come on for two days and make more as a recovery. That's what I read.

I don't know if they're actually going to go through with that. I don't really, dog, I haven't worked on a fucking movie in a year. I think I'm sitting across from you. It makes sense. Two years. I did a video game. That's it last year. I went for two commercial auditions.

I used to book. two commercials a year. Never mind. And you wouldn't see them because I get cut out. It wouldn't get picked up. Or it's a mafia commercial. But I used to go to fucking 12 auditions a fucking year for commercials. 15, 20. Well, if you were trying to

make a living as an actor, you would have gone out more last year, I think. For you to make a living as an actor, you got to go out 12 times a month, three times a week, because it's numbers. It's like sales. Sales is the same thing. I'm not going to call

three people and sell a fucking house. But if I call 25 people, I'm going to have three people who are looking for a house. One person that's got an offer in, but his escrow won't fucking go through. He needs the government to come through it alone in a house that's a little $100,000 cheaper. That comes to you from numbers. So if I go out on the first of the month, that role might be something that's a slow roll. It's not shooting for six months until fucking they shoots in New York. They don't give a fuck.

You go on tape. Then you go for an audition. Then you go for a TV show. that shoots next week. You've got to keep going. You've got to keep building these up. So eventually that guy from the first call, the actor on this show fell out. So there you go.

You were the second choice. It's fucking amazing. It's like winning the lottery to get work. It's amazing all the variables. When you see six, that's why I do not get the breakdowns. Most comics and most actors want to get the breakdowns. They want to know what's going on. It's like somebody's showing you a picture of your mother sucking a dick.

When you get the breakdowns, You go crazy. That's what they do. Break downs, break you down because you really see what's out there for you. You know, I could get this. I could get this. Oh, my God. You sit there drooling at the mouth.

And next thing, you know, you're sending packages, you're calling. Then you get desperate. And you get desperate. And you call. And then, no, no, no. When I used to get the breakdowns for a year, I walked around with a frown. I thought I was a piece of shit. How come I'm not going in for these rolls?

And then somebody told me, let's say there's 10 rolls for you. Five of them are going to the director's friend. At least. Just because they show those up, they're already cast. Yep. Nothing you can fucking do. They're already gone. And now there's five of them.

There's a casting director that doesn't like you. There's another one that thinks you're just a tad too old. And there's another guy that thinks you're too sopranoish. So the 10 breakouts that came out that week, you were only really good for the fucking two of them. So if you only go off for three fucking auditions a month, two of them are already gone. They already gone. They already gone. already went to a director.

And even if they have an offer out, they'll still read people. Why would you waste somebody's time? When you're reading a book, anybody will read a book, and as you're reading the book, you're casting the fucking thing. Yes. No, you hear a real life story and you go, oh, you know who'd play that? Really? You've never done that.

No. It's a book. It's the most brilliant thing you could do. Okay, let's pick a book then. Okay, in 1994. In 1996, Josh Wolf gave me a book called Sleepers. There you go.

And he goes, This is a great book. You got to fucking read this book. And they hit home with me about four kids. They had each other's back. They went to jail. They got molested. They never told nobody.

And they went out of the guy. The Count of Monte Cristo. Just a great story, which was true. It was a true story. Then the guy had a backtrace when they put a gun in this fucking mouth. He was really a Puerto Rican kid. That was one of the kids. that they all hung out together.

But one of the kids ended up being the Westies, a tough guy in the Westies. Jesus. So, and that's a great scene. That movie. I haven't seen that in so long. Sleepers.

Sleepers, the shooting scene. Hit it on YouTube. Sleepers, do you ever see it Lee? No, no, no, why would you?

You were too busy seeing Tina Fey and whatever that's way. But you haven't seen fucking sleepers. Can we tell them about the phone call I got? No. Let's put sleepers on and we'll talk about it. Okay. So.

What am I searching for? Sleepers. Shooting scene? Yeah, shooting scene. Sleepers, I read the fucking book and I gave it back to Josh. That's when we were on the road. It's features. Yeah.

And I'm like, Josh, this is a fucking great book. And I remember looking at Josh going, this is going to be a great fucking movie. And we just had a conversation. Like, who would you pick for this movie? And I told him my picks. And he told me his picks. and we moved down with our fucking lives. Nobody got their feelings, right?

And all of the fucking sudden, he goes, he calls me and then he goes, hey, pick up the USA Today. And then he goes, go to the entertainment section right there in bold letters. De Niro picked his for the priest. Oh, my fucking God. That's the same guy.

What's his say? Well, this one is the first one that came up. It's the sleepers. And then this one, there's no politics, no. That one. That's the one. Oh, yeah, that's a great fucking scene. No politics. No really. Watch this guy. Look at this guy.

He plays tremendous in this. Whatever his name is. I'm almost famous. Make it big. The house. It's got to take more than four years. He'll take it at the term of elections. He's got a great.

He's going to. Hey, Jerry. What are they talking about? Reagan speech. Order those two men some drinks and put on my tab. Jerry, you tell them that Republicans are not welcome in Hell's Kitchen, and either a political conversion or a change of conversation is in order. That was the 80s and the 70s.

No politics, no religion in a fucking bar. Start a fight. Slow and slow. Whoa, whoa, whoa, let it roll. Where are you going? No politics. You get my meaning? Billy Cudrup plays a fucking badass.

Westy, junkie, motherfucker. And this Irish dude, that's it? Let's see what the next one is. Let's see. We're looking for the shooting. The guy who plays the fucking godfather in this. You don't remember this movie, do you? No, I got to go back.

I remember it came out in the late 90s. One of the best fucking mobsters ever, ever. ever. Look at Lee coming up with videos that are unavailable, slipping like a motherfucker. Unbelievable people Monday night. January 11, get your shit motherfucking together. Isis has been sleeping lately, plotting their next fucking move, and there you are playing fucking jigsaw puzzles and shit. What's to say that old podcast? Eli Al-A-Qa-A-Kai. Sleepers Vendera.

What's that scene? It's a bum. This one? No, a little higher. What's that one? No, no, no, no. No, we don't see it there. A lot of people in this fucking movie.

This is a great movie, man. Brad Pitt's in this fucking movie. Sinatra's grandson's in this movie. Kevin Bacon was in that right. Kevin Bacon's in this movie. Keep going. It's got to be in here. I do a card.

How old is could I search it? The shooting scenes. That's it. It should come up first. Right there. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Right there.

on top watch that and that oh you ordered the meatloaf the brisk is really good here only you'll never know it you fucked up you gotta watch this with paula this guy raped him in jail he was a prison guard and he raped all these fucking kids you were scared little pricks both these all you's scary shitless but i i tried to make you I tried to make you hard. I had you all wrong then, though. So this time I thought you just liked fucking and beating up little boys. You two motherfuckers are going to burn in hell.

You're going to burn in hell. Then, FDU. See who that was, guys? Did that hurt now? Is this a fucking great scene? Is this a fucking great scene, Lysayat? Sleep is Billy Kudrup and the Irishman put fucking 20 holes in this fuck. Well, look who it is.

In the bar. Look who it is. Who do you think that is? is Tony Sopranos' mother fucking sister. How's it wrong? Look what he says to the bartender Lee. Jerry. Sorry. Shoot me.

He says, put it on my tab. All right. He goes, sorry about that. He apologized to the fucking bartender. Wow. And you got time to watch fucking Tina Fey next time. Next time you call me and say, Joey, this is the movie choices we have. What should I do?

And I go, listen, stop it blockbuster. What other fuck's open? And get sleepers. you and Paula watch this motherfucking movie, okay? I forgot all about this till just now. That's a good movie.

I'm going to see if it's on Netflix. And they talked the priest. De Niro was the priest, right? The hero was the fucking priest. Great. And the guy who plays the gangster was going to play the original priest. But he was a huge star in Italy.

And they flew him in. They said, this guy, bro, and the scenes that after they say cut, that people would just go, what the fuck was that? See if we got that the fucking gangster. I can't remember what his name is. Look for them.

Pull up on IMDB. Pull up on IMDB. What's there but sleepers gangster? Oh my God. I forgot all about this fucking movie. There's some people that just had it. Guys, this is a fucking movie and a half. This was a great book and a mediocre film.

But it was about four kids that went to jail, got molested, fucked in the ass. They made them suck the cops' dicks. They did horrible fucking things to them. but he made him suck his dick with the rosary beads and shit. I mean, they just did some. You know what? That's why I don't think I remember this movie was just a little bit too dark for me. I think I remember going, ooh, I don't think it's...

What was the mafia guys' names? I'm trying to find it. I don't know. Was it the name Fat Mancho? No. Young shakes? No, give me the names from the top of the characters. Kevin Bacon, Billy Crudup.

No, no, no. Yep. The fucking names of the characters, not the original. original actors. Oh, okay. You said I got to deal with. Noakes, Tommy, Father Bobby, John, Carol,

King Benny. King Benny. King Benny. King, Benny. Oh, my God. King Benny. You see the one that waited 10 years to get his revenge or something like that for the guy

that broke his balls? Yes. And he took his teeth out and put him on the fucking thing. Yes. Yeah, King Betty. Try being king for sleepers. King Benny. and but when he sits him down and he goes listen

I've been Papa Bobbo I mean the guy makes you want to cry because he reminds me growing up with Carmine Balzano he says to him this is when we play on my side of the court you did your job you're a good boy I always liked you oh my God your heart fucking breaks this guy's been teaching you the street

the whole time and now he goes listen this is where it ends for you he's got a scene when he goes to see black people 120th Street. And the fucking, Carrizo's brother. Yeah, listen to Kim.

Yeah, put on the first one, talking about King Benny. There you go. Right there. Click that one and shit and see what comes up. King Benny, to me, was the best gangster I saw in movies. I think in a way better than,

he was refreshing. He just never did another fucking gangster movie. That's a scene. What did you like about it? How he was just fresh. Like you had never seen him on the fucking scene. Clicked back. We'll put a different one on. This ain't going to work.

This is some stupid. That's fucking web page. Go to Sleepers, take into Rizzo's brother. That one is even good. Right there. Yeah, what's this shit here? Where's YouTube? We deal with YouTube. I was trying to go there. Unbelievable.

Why did you even go to Mazzo? Meta-Metabill, whatever the fuck this is from the start. We're you two people here. Jesus Christ, you're killing me, salt in my eyes. King Benny. Look at Bert Christ with a karate sunat. You need that, you know, I am. All right, click that one.

Hey, Charles, how about? Zalbe, Benissi. At the face of who wants, man. Start this one. This is the Italian version. Go back. King Betty. Jesus fucking Christ.

How can there be no King Betty? You see, they have to deal with people. See you two slipping. Keep going. Take the comma out, Lee, and put an S. So it says sleepers, King Benny. And put a fucking, a big ass on sleepers. There you go.

A cop-a-ass on sleepers. No, it's no fucking ass. See people? I try to bring you the best in American Entertainment, and this is what I fucking get. I put that thing on that says, Hell's Kitchen. You see the top of that real quick

Just put that on real quick It's his house kitchen Put down real quick It's not working You want to gross rights You don't come here No no You go to England

Or wherever the fuck they make it If you want champagne You go see the French If you need money You find the jewel But if you want dirt Or scum berry on the rock somewhere

Or some secret Nobody wants anybody to know about There's only one place to go Right here Hell's kitchen It is the lost And found of shit They lose it

And we find it. Forget about it, man. I still see fat mancha around town. He just shaved this head. He's my friend on Facebook. Get it. Hit some little fucking whatever here. Monday night, you motherfuckers.

We don't know what's cracking tonight and shit. Steve Simone's been quiet. When we come back with Tompola. I want to be around to pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I... What's going on with you, brother? Sorry to interrupt you.

I love the Tony Bennett right there. Always. He's a fucking standby every Monday. I know. That's the greatest. What's up with you, player? I guess I'm going to go to Denver with Renazizi and R. At the end of the month.

I'm trying to finish the writing for me and you. You're going to Shanghai and shit. Going to Shanghai in March. I got the comedy store in San Diego. in February. I'm putting it together. What are you doing in San Diego? Once a month, not.

Whenever I can get down there. It's weird because San Diego is one of those places is just so easy. You get hooked. It's so beautiful. You go down and you get a burrito. This way.

I'm going to go a fucking burrito. Yeah, it's great. It's like doing the road, but you don't have to buy a plane ticket. And I'm so sick of airplanes at this point. You know, when I used to just travel, I used to enjoy cities. Now, it'd become business. I go in and I go out.

I got home. I got a wife. Yep. You know, we were talking about Duncan and Trussels to it. Yeah, he's in a different city

every night, right? Yeah, he's got six nights a week. I would go crazy after the fucking 11th night. I'm not going to lie. I don't know why. I'm not mentally tough

like that no more. I'd worry about my wife, the kid, the weather. You know, I'm not mentally tough like that. So many variables, too. Every day it's always changing.

You know, I wish I could do that. I wish I could go out for two months and then stay home for 10. That's my fucking dream. But it's just not going to work. You know, I like the podcast to be fresh. You know, you want to be fresh.

I'm not 21, no, more. I could fucking tell, you know. I could fucking tell, you know. And that's, I like that Gabriel goes out and stuff like that. I just don't have the endurance. Yeah. First of all, I don't want to travel on a fucking bus, dog. Listen, I don't want to smell your feet.

I don't want you to smell mine. That's my motto since I was a kid. That stopped me from doing so many fucking things. Listen, there's nothing like, you know, there's nothing like, I think the most humiliating thing about me going to prison was having to walk into a bathroom and smell somebody else's shit. You don't know the meaning of life until you walk into a bathroom and you've got to really smell somebody else's asshole,

the deepness of that prison food with the salt and the fucking shit they put in it and you don't get your dick hard and all that. You don't know what life is when you walk into a bathroom. bathroom, it's your shit, what's your girlfriend's shit, it's your wife's shit, it's your dad's shit. That's completely different than walking in the scene like this disgusting guy just took a shit in there,

plus somebody before. It's like that thing the shit at the airport. You're walking to a bathroom at the airport. It's a tornado shit. It's just a bunch of shit spinning around, and you walk into this thing and you're trying to piss and keep your life together, but you keep getting

all these weird and you keep you, every time they flush, a new fucking dose of shit goes in the air. It's like a perfume machine. I'm in the 70s and 80s. It's automatically, yeah. You put a quarter in there and you press a button and it shoot you in the fucking neck like a fucking Arab or some shit.

Disgusting. That's what my point is. And Lee, I got problems, too. I ate a couple fucking stars today. Sit up straight. Look at you. You're falling to sleep on me. You're dreaming of stopping at the Chinese restaurant. You're looking at the clock. I can tell you, you're looking to see what time they're delivered to. I'm not even a psychic.

Can I know this about me? He's sitting at looking at me going, I know what time they deliver to him. Where am I going to eat tonight on the way home? Where are you going to eat tonight? What are your plans? Chicken and string beans? How good are those chicken and string beans?

They're fucking good. With the steam rice, maybe a little shrimpy poo. Have you tried to slice pork over there? Tell me the truth. No. When I find something, I don't really go off of it. Like I'll add little things to it, like soup, but I'll stick to it. So I got to deal with you.

Where's the slice pork? Does it have the red edges on the slice pork? I don't know. You got to be careful with pork. Yeah, you got to be careful. Yeah, that's why you're too. I'm really fucking careful. You're right.

I've been careful with pork guys for 30. You get that trigonosis or whatever is in their cell. These people who are crazy about this pulled pork, listen, if you go to subway and you get the pulled pork, and you die of cancer, you deserve it. You brought it upon yourself because that shit will trigger something in your nervous system. Pulled pork from subway is turkey. that they put in pork blood, took it out, and then cook it. It's like the fucking Arby's.

Remember Arby's? 15 years ago, you'd walk into Arby's 20 years ago, you put some oyster out of they killed the fucking germs and some of the bugs on the roast beef. But you ate it. You put some of that fucking stomach cheese. Yep. Bro, my friends took a picture of Arby's

and sent it to me in Twitter like fucking two years ago. It was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen in my fucking life what they did with that meat. It's like that fucking meat. It's like that fucking meat at the swama places where leads that they put everything in there. No, no, no. They just slice it off. Even though that place from the wheat store, I heard, is very fucking good, man.

You know, I... The reason why I stick to certain items is because I know what's going to get me sick. I don't get seafood almost anywhere. And then when people eat stuff that makes them sick, it's like... That's not you got the sushi and blending on my cookie. It was your fucking goddamn cookie. It wasn't the sushi. I went back there recently

like a month ago. I know you did. You didn't get sick that day. I didn't. You're fucking liar. I didn't. God damn. He always blames it.

That's something else. You're trying to blame it on my fucking weed cookie. And then he, and now can we talk about that call I got just randomly on Saturday night? I, and I was going to write a blog about this, but let's just talk about it.

Oh, okay. No, no, I'm sorry. Let's just talk about it since you brought it up. I'm a criminal. I'm a fucking lot of things. And I fucked up in my life. I'm sure Steve fucked up. We're all human.

The one thing I like about Steve Simone that you guys have to like about me is I don't know about races. I don't know about UFC. I don't know about a lot of things. But I know about comedy. I know who's faking the funk. And I know who's tricking America.

Yeah. Half of this shit is a fucking trick. Yep. One of the punch drunk guys I know, Vinnie Kernel told me something once in an audition. He goes, I really respect what you do. He goes, you got something these guys don't have. And like, here we go, Vinnie Kern.

He goes, no, no, no. In their lives, there's a director and there's an editor. What you do on stage, that's what fucking entertainment's about. Fucking a boxing guy that had 80 times told me that. Wow. And I've always thought about that. When I came from Cuba, I loved the Dick Van Dyke show. That was a great show.

And I liked all these little subtle type comedies. but when I was a kid and I was learning in English the one thing I did not understand was out of the ten shows I watched five of them were funny I loved Lucy but the other five

I didn't think were funny but there was a lap track now at that time I didn't know it was a lap track guys I'm not going to tell you that I'm seven and I know there's a lap track I didn't know where a lap track was when I watched the monsters I would laugh and they had a lap tracks

when I watched the Adam family. It was a different humor than the honeymoon and the monsters, but I laughed. The show that put who I am today, the reason why Joe Diaz is a comedian, you know, when you ask people, they tell you this made-up contusion of fucking lies. Yeah. And what I'm going to tell you is something, nothing happens off one thing. I agree with it. It's a bunch of things that come together that make you react to something. A, you listen to an album at your friend's house about comedy. You went, bought an album again.

You listened to the second. I listened to The Nigger's Crazy and then Bicentennial Nigger. Richard Pryor. Did I want to become a stand-up? Not fucking really, okay? But then things happened. You know, different things popped up. I saw Lenny Clark on Rodney Special. I saw Kennison, you know. I just saw all these things and something pushed me over the top. In 1990, for, for, People who are young and don't remember. Comedy was all over television. I mean, guys from 87 on, you couldn't switch to channels.

I'm going to tell you who had television. Where's the pen here, Lily? Let me tell you who had, and this is, he's a young guy. A&E did comedy. Do you know that? Night at the Improv. Night at the Improv. And Sunday morning comics with Rosie O'Donnell.

And then she quit, and they gave it to the kid, my friend. He's half Spanish Bobby Collins. Nobody remembers this shit. They had this other show, comedy, whatever. They had MTV. Half hour, Comedy Hour. Half Hour Comedy Hour and Comacazi. They had 20 fucking TV shows on.

I remember Felicia and the guy from the old Jewish kid from the store. And I remember a lot of those guys on those shows. So after listening to Pryor and listening to Kennison, one day when you're sitting there in Stoneville, over the fuck you are, you see some stand up and you go, I'm funny than this guy. Yep. And then two people at work say to, hey, have you ever considered stand-up? And it's all these events that make the person get into stand-up, the way it might make somebody go to law school,

the way it might make somebody become an astronaut. It's an event of things. Now, when you're saying, like, before you actually make the decision, and you're saying, no, do you still secretly want to be a stand-up or no? At this age, I was living in my... my house. I just got grown out of Catholic school. I had my own TV in my room. And one night, I started watching this fucking show. And it was a fat guy. His name was Jackie Gleason. And he would push around this other guy. And I don't know how many, I didn't like some of the

black and white shit at that age. I was very impartial of black and white television. I just didn't like it. I didn't know. Me being from Cuba, why am I watching black and white television? I should be watching fucking color TV. Yep. But this shit. shit was so funny. But there was a show that came on after that called the fucking our couple. Oh my God. Oh my God. With the pigeon sisters

and all this shit. And then you had the twilight zone. Oh my God. And then you had Samson on Friday nights and you had Chico and the man on Friday nights. But there was quite something about the 11 o'clock show. The honeymoon is, oh my God. I would run home at night and my mom would make You know what flea de sessor? You know what filet de sasso is? No. It's calf brains, breaded with chicken cutlet.

Wow. With progresso breadcrumbs, Italian, and then fried on a frying pan, deeply burnt. And when you eat them, the inside is crispy, and your mom would squeeze lemon on them. And I don't know how many nights I would sit there with a plate in front of me, like 30 of them. Just sliced leafed in calves, and I'd be on the phone with Valentin Farrow or Wiety O'Donnell or, or somebody howling at the honeymooners, you know, from stupid lines, we'd be howling. And then you just watched them.

Then Benny Hill came on at 10.30. And now I'm in the eighth grade. I'm in the fucking... I'm in the eighth grade, and this is my fucking comedy. And there's a guy by the name of Peter Sellers. And he's making these fucking movies that every time I fucking go to these movies, I fucking die of fucking laughter.

I'm dying of laughter. But the whole time I'm watching these honeymoon. was. Then something weird happens. One day, certain kind of kids in my class with chitter-chatter on Saturday morning's about this fucking show called Santa Night Live. Oh, my God, did you watch the sketch?

Oh, my God, it was so... And I'd sit there and go, what's Saturday Night Live? And they would go, it's on before Don Carson's rock concert or the Midnight Special. And I would go, what the fuck are you people talking about? And the girl's name was Jacqueline Garcia. Jacqueline Garcia, our sister

Lillian, and they had like a certain boyfriend, they were way older than me. Lillian was a year older than me. Lillian was a couple years older than me. Jacqueline was a few, like a year older than me, and then all the kids would go over the house. So one fucking Saturday night, Saturday nights you stayed

home. It was the love boat. It was Fantasy Island. You didn't fucking leave the house. We would all meet like at 7.30, smoke a little pot, get fucking really stoned and go to somebody's house and watch Fantasy Island and this fucking other show, this fucking love boat. And if you were lucky, you made out with the girl or whatever.

But now I start hanging out and I'm smoking dope. My mom still had the bar. And one night, I'm going home and I'm like, this is going to blow my fucking doors off. And I put on saying, I had fucking line. And I sat there for 20 minutes listening to these people laughing and this. And it was like, not for nothing. I don't think this is funny. I didn't say nothing.

I went to school that Monday. And again that Saturday, I fucking went home and put it on again. And I was like, this is not fucking funny. But I couldn't say it. I couldn't say it because all these kids said it was the best. They said it was the best. And then a new guy came out on the scene. His name was Benny Hill.

And his show would come out at 1030. That changed the game for a lot of motherfuckers. You see some boobs on there? You see some boobs on there. You see a girl with a bikini. You get all hot jerk off. You'd be dizzy. Then the honeymoos would come on, and then the, and it was on and on.

But this whole time, I'm thinking, boy, this fucking show sucks. And then, you know, Animal House was funny. And then, you know, Harold Ramis made, you know, I wasn't a big Ghostbuster fan the first time I seen it. I was a fucking big time. Once Eddie Murphy got outside that line, I started watching Eddie Murphy and him and Piscopal doing Sinatra. That's when I really, really enjoyed that. wouldn't go home for it, but if you taped on the VCR, I'd fucking

watch, and I'd laugh at Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy in 1982 might be the greatest force of nature and comedy. And then he released, was it 48 hours? He released 48 hours. September, October of 82, 48 hours came out. You have no fucking idea.

You've never seen 40 hours. I've seen trading places. Trading places. You've never seen 40 hours. You can't handle it. That invented like almost a whole new genre of like that action comedy type film. Well, it invented the Ashton comedy and it also blew up the

black white. If you see how many roles they've done since then the black white. And they've actually said, listen, we want, it's Eddie Murphy. If they wanted Eddie Murphy's ever since that. Because Pryor wasn't like that with the white boy. That was

fucking hilarious. Gene Wilder. They had great chemistry too. It was a different thing. It was a different thing. The Eddie Murphy thing whatever was a funny. With Nick Nolte was... Dan Aykroyd, they killed it together.

Luther. Luther, you know, he was great in that movie, too. The guy from the longest yard, that whole scene. I mean, it was just weird, but I was never really sold on Sinai Live. And then I get into comedy, you know, I hear the stereotypes that you have to be a really good stand-up and they won't let you on there.

They're improv group. No, I got it. All right. I'm not here to judge nobody. I just fucking said it's not my thing. I don't know. and if I would go home some nights on Saturdays

and I'd watch Saturday Night Live and it was just horrible. Horatio, whatever, it was just garbage. And one day I saw a sketch with Jimmy Fallon and Horatio San, look at this fucking Mukuyak.

Horatio Sands and the other guy. And it was a sketch of a snake had bit Horatio Sands in the dick. And they called the doctor. And then he hung up and he goes what?

He goes, The doctor says, you have to suck it out. And he goes, he hangs up the phone. He goes, what the doctor say? Am I going to live? And he goes, it looks like you're going to die. That's the first joke you hear in second grade. Yeah.

And it's like the Woody Allen movie when the girl gets bit on the boobs. I got insulted by that joke. I fucking waited for the show that and I counted 19 writers. And I'm like 19 fucking white NYU kids. That's the best fucking sketch they could come up with. We live in a fucked up society. So now, okay, I don't have to watch it. Do you think I yelped it?

Do you think I went on Twitter and off my space or whatever and said, I don't like it? No. Right. Life goes on. I just don't like the fucking show. It's gone somewhere else. It's a bunch of trendy New York kids who go there and they giggle and they drink a little wine and everything is just great.

I would die abortem at those fucking tapings. Yeah, I don't think it's what it once was for sure. Like, I mean, nobody talks about it anymore. and like 11 year old kid It used to be like for kids Like it really was It was when I was 11, 12 I loved it when I was a kid

And then you start to do comedy And you get out there And I'll tell you this I'm so spoiled I've been a comedy fan my whole life I love it I've always loved laughing Stand up comedy in person

Is a totally different experience I'm watching it on TV When you feel a part of it And sometimes I get depressed I go to the store And I just sit and watch my friends And it's the greatest thing in the world I'm spoiled

I get to see the funny people in the world do their thing people always uh i'm really disappointed of me joey you should really do a special you know why i don't want to do a special because i don't like them um out of the 200 specials they've shot i could tell you six specials that have blown me the fuck away six specials that really made me go home and go wow i'm fucking thinking about this shit do you want me to tell you I you know I know delirious sent me for a loop absolutely I know dice clay's first special sent me for absolutely I know live on the sunset strip sent me for I agree with those three uh one of the carlin ones I don't remember the name of that sent me for a loop

and both the both the comedy things with uh the thing that got me in comedy were those two fucking danger field tapes young comedian special comedian special amazing you know Seinfeld Don Marrera, Kenison, Hicks, Dice, Robert Townsend, Roseanne Barr, Carol Leifer. Those two tapes really put me over the top. That was my comedy fucking lesson, you know. And I got to tell you something, guys, I want the other night, fucko here, went on a date. He got these cards. He took his date to Ruth Chris, Stakes.

Everybody was cheering. I'll salute, you know what I'm saying? In the next minute, I go, where are you? Because I'm at the movies. He's like, all right. He calls me later. I thought he was like a fucking good movie. He calls me and he got tricked into seeing that

Betty Ford fucking movie with those two brothers. How was it? Horrendously fucking weird. It was terrible. Just horrendously bad. You don't need to know it. They're just milking them now. It's been a while since I saw a comedy film that made me laugh.

It's been a long time. And I think part of the problems, I think, like, for me, part of the problem is I get to watch stand up every night and it's great. When you see it live. somebody called me on the night and they thought that creed was the worst movie they ever saw in their life a kid I've known for 35 fucking years they thought it was the worst movie they ever saw in the worst movies ever saw in their life but like I said everybody has different opinions especially with comedy it's very suggest sick of fucking tired of going to bad movies I went to see concussion last week

not fucking bad you know they changed in a different direction but I got when they changed and will Smith always hold you over the weekend I watched it And I watch Spotlight about the Catholic priest in Boston. Fucking crazy. Why did you go see that? I go see Tina Fey. Listen, how about you go sit and see Tina Fey by your fucking soap, right?

I'm going to go see a fucking man movie. You sit through that shit. So the other night, I'm going through my TV. My wife goes to bed. I got the night off. I go, let me. I go, sign out of the start. I put it on Santa Ana Live and it's a repeat.

It's Tina Fey and the fucking chick. And there, out there both of them look like they got hit by a fucking truck and they're out there whatever and people are cheering and it's this fake uh foo fu-fucking cheer and what

they're saying then they introduced the cast and you can tell none of these guys have done dick like they fucking did Chicago improv shit for six months like they fold it they had go up at the store in between Chappelle and fucking Ron White they would fold

like their heads would fucking explode It's un-ifucking explainable what happens to you, you know? And I'm watching the show. I remember you tell me that story about a kid that had all this heat and they threw him up in the OR and he buckled. And then that was it. They buckled. And then I call Lerre the way and I go, you know, I'm watching this. Joe Rogan retweeted something last week that Harvard studies prove that these new kids in college have no sense of humor.

No sense of humor. Did you see the tweet? Go look through his tweets. A fucking interesting article. no sense of humor You could tell when there's young kids At my show I could tell Are they the ones who are like

Ooh or the what happens Ooh and they walk past you And the girls walk past you Meanwhile they've had chlamydia twice What the fuck's wrong with you? You're looking at me all goofy I have no idea what you just said Anyway

You don't need to know what the fuck I said See what I got to deal with You think it's easy You think it's easy You think it's easy being cheesy greasy and sleazy. Let me give him some shout out to you. My main man,

happy birthday to Lance Amitra Jr. My main man, Tyler Knapp, Josh Dice God, Daniel, Jamie, Ian Spencer, Brad Miller, Brandy Lynn,

my main man running the Dominicans over there, Renee N. Carcion, and the whole Dead Squad motherfucking family. Don't I forget, I'll be in Charlotte, North Carolina.

January 28th and St. Louis Helium, February 4th through the 7th. Nice. What's up with you, brother? Always a pleasure to fucking see you. Thank you for let me stop by. No, man. What was I saying to you? One thing I see that nothing bothers me more when you watch a TV show.

I never understood giving somebody something if you're going to say something. What do you mean? When I was a kid, my mom put on all points bulletin out to all my mom's friends. Because in my society, in that age, whenever your mom's friends see, they always give you a hug and they put 10 in your pocket. Yes. Or 10 in your hand. My mom caught me with a switchblade once, a big fucking knife.

And she found out what the knife cost. And she told everybody, do not give him fucking money. So there were some people who still put a 20 in my hand or a 10, and I wouldn't say nothing. But there were some people who put a 20 in my hand. And then a week later, go, what did you do with the 20 I gave you last week in front of my mom? And I don't fucking want to kill him, you know. So there's people, like when you do a benefit thing at your house,

people come to your fucking house for you that some guy give you a plaque that you donated $25,000 and everybody claps. Right. And you're a fucking hero in front of your friends. I've always loved when I go, like when I go on GoFund me for somebody. Yeah. And I donate. The reason why I put my name is because I want the people to know that I appreciate their support, even if it's on Twitter.

I don't want them to buy a ticket. There's people that I go back and forth with them on Twitter that I know they're good people. Absolutely. Communications. And just because they live in Canada or whatever doesn't mean them. I've gone through their stuff. They've sent me stuff, you know, about their family. There's so many good people out there.

Absolutely. Some great family just sent me a Christmas card. I forgot it on the table. I just got it late. from the agency. There's so many, uh, I don't even know what I'm getting at the point.

You know what I'm saying? I'm as high as Lee. I'm just keeping them one together. No, I was thinking earlier, now when you go somewhere, you know roughly how many people you have there from like the podcast or Twitter before.

Would, like promoters kind of screw you? Would they be like, oh, we'll give you this much money, but you have no idea how, you have no idea, of how many seats you can sell. Nobody tells you the exact amount of seats.

They all lie to you by 50 seats. 50 seats at $20 is a lot of fucking money. $1,000. That's $1,000? No, 50 seats at $20, really? No shit. Yeah, $1,000. Well, yeah, $1,000 fucking bucks.

That's a big difference in somebody's world. You know, a promoter will say, I only sat $2.25, but he sat $2.75. He's taking $1,000 right off the top of four expenses. There's already 25, 50% of that ship going your fucking pocket. But today somebody hit me up. They want to produce a show. I know you want to produce a show, but here's what's going to happen.

You've never done it before. That means, guess who's advertising this show, me? So you're not putting, you've never done it before. You know, well, what do you think that these agencies are going to call you and push people to do business or you? They don't know who you are. You just can't get a theater and go, guess what? I'm booking comics.

You have to build a relationship. relationship, give deposits, you have to do all this shit. Prove that you're capable. Yeah, if not, they won't fucking listen to you. These agencies won't do it unless you go, all right. Steve Simone, Joe Diaz, and Lee. I want 10,000 apiece, but I want $30,000 up front. I want $25,000 up front.

Again, that's how you know if an agency is real from the jump. I want the deposits for the room, the hotel room. I want the flights picked up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This all goes back to the 7-5 when he asks for that money up front. Yeah. He knew if the guy was real. 25 is just a gift. Years ago, when he got really big, they said that,

Foco, you want me to read the script? 25 grand. You imagine, you're like, I have a script for Mullen Brando. I hope you got a check attached. What are you talking about? Brando wants $25,000 to read the script. What are you talking about?

I'm telling you he's on the island. And he's got a fax machine over there. and the money comes right out in 20s. Go to Western Union and send the fucking money to him or if not, he's not going to read your fucking script. People couldn't believe it. And it raised people's awareness. It makes people know

and we're scared to ask people. We feel embarrassed because, you know, but look what happened. I didn't even know. I forgot all about that fucking story. You slept on the floor and some guy was fingering you in the middle of the night and shit. You know, I had a bed, but I felt terrible. Like, I felt terrible because

this is my first experience. I felt bad that's like I felt like I was holding Steve down. I felt, but... Life goes on. No, it ended up being fine. But it's all, how much of it at the beginning is not having enough confidence

in yourself and being like, oh, I'm worth I can ask for this. It's not ridiculous that I would ask. I still remember every person that ripped me off. I still remember every person that gave me $100 and the room was packed and I saw them getting the taste of the bar. I saw people years ago there was a comic who had

a room five hours away and they would pay you and then give you an envelope for him. And let's say you were the feature act and you got 150 and the Atlanta got 250. One day I lifted the guy's envelope. He was getting 500. He was booking the room and taking 500 fucking dollars. So one day I did the gig again and this time I got the same envelope. I put $300 in it. I gave him that. I split the hundred with everybody. And he called me and I said to him,

that I'm over about $500. Your budget for the two comedians who were driving five hours is $450. I'm giving it $300. He was pissed. He didn't talk to me for a long time, but he couldn't say nothing. Because if I out of him, I end up losing the room to somebody, and that was the end of that.

Right. How can you be a comedian? Listen, if you're a, you're a booker and you do that, I get it. I get it. You probably have an office in the phone, but if you're a comedian doing that, you want to pick up a deuce for booking the room, I'm with you.

Yeah, let everybody get that. That's fine. Four times a month, that's $800 a fucking month. From booking a room. You do two of those a month. That's $1,600 a month. All you're doing is calling Joe Dears and Steve Simone and going, the budget's $500. Do it out. However the fuck you want to chop it up,

if I want to give Steve $25, he takes it. He's an opening fucking comic. You understand me? This guy was taking more than the fucking comics were for not even driving. That's some shit that's fucking crazy. That's crazy. I'm a thief, and I wouldn't fucking do that. And he would have done it for years if he didn't get caught.

He probably did it for years. Well, that's what I'm saying, but he would still be doing it. Probably. When I gave that envelope, when he called me the next day, it was hilarious. He didn't know about the same envelope trick. You know me. hold that trick. When I was 18, I used to work at a bar on the deposit, and the guy would keep 10 of those deposits in the freezer in the refrigerator. I had the double key. I would

going in the middle of the night and fucking, you know me at first, I was steaming the envelopes and taking a $100 bill out and leaking it, but it would pop up into the lid and he would know. So I said, fuck it. I just went and got the exact same envelopes. He had another bar. And I would go in there, rip the envelope he had, take the yard out and change the number and put it in there with the receipt, he'd go crazy. Now they got him. How the fuck did they get into the envelope? They must be a magician. Nah, bitch, you got to mind the Joey Diaz

when he needs coke. That motherfucker becomes creative. Fuck purple rain and all that bullshit. Look at the shape of you, Lee. Your head's bobbing like a retarded little kid and shit. Look at you. But my point was, man, we discussed on the podcast once. Lee said, listen, don't forget to go to this thing

and donate Steve. Steve, Simone's thing, I go, Lee, when you get home, please tweet it so I could donate. Then, like, a week later, and when I went home, the baby, the wife, I go home, and a week later, Lee goes, listen, he raised a bunch of money. It was a miracle. You know, you didn't fucking bitch about it. You didn't make a big deal about it. You know, you realize how lucky you are.

Absolutely. There's a lot of motherfuckers that do not realize. I'm the type of guy. I, like, donating to things, but I don't want people to fucking know. Yeah. I don't want people to know I want to make that day. I, forever, I always kept my mouth shut. And then I realized the world does a really good job of giving people an opportunity to do the wrong thing.

Every day, we're surrounded by opportunities to fuck up. And I thought, you know what? I know people are good and people want to help. And I go, I have an opportunity for people to help. So I didn't break anybody's balls about it. I was just like, hey, there's people out there. We could put the money right, go straight to the families. There's no organization taking 90 cents of everything.

this is going straight to a family that's trying to put together a Christmas for their kid who's in the hospital or this is going straight to a family where their kids got cancer and the mom's got cancer and their house burned down. We're going to make sure that they got a house to move into when this kid gets out of the hospital. And people, I believe in people. I really do. And I think people are amazing.

And I was very humbled to have a chance to say, like, not like, hey, look at me for doing this, but hey, there are people that need help. If you want to help, here's your chance. And people did it. So I'm going to continue. I think that's going to be a big part of my life, because I am so grateful for all the blessings I've been given. And I don't

deserve all the great things in my life. So I just want to make sure if there's ever a chance for me to help to somebody, I am going to help. I am. That's it. Very nice. I have to read the Steve Simone

Foundation for fucking kids missing a hoof or nothing. Yeah, whatever. That's what I like. I like that you didn't, and I respect that. I respect that a lot. There's people are very good at that.

There's people. That's what they genuinely do. Yeah. And there's people who just do it to get attention. Yeah, I'm not one of that. And I see it coming a mile away. Yeah, I'm not one of that.

When people do it to get attention, you see it coming a mile away. My cause is about there's these black village in Australia that people throw rocks, said, listen, there's black kids getting thrown rocks at in a lot of fucking buildings. Right down the street. Right down the fucking street.

You want to help somebody? Yeah, yeah. But they do it just to seem more and tell. How did you find out about it? I did research. I went to a tour in Baja one year and did it. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah.

But the black kid down the block, you never give a dollar to it. Right. You know he's not smoking crack. You can see. I know the difference between a crack smoking and the mental health guy. Yes. The mental health guy, sometimes I just go in the middle and give him one. That fat lady with the fucking woman.

wheelchair, that's a bum wheelchair. She goes around the corner with the scooter gets out into a Cadillac. I've seen that fat fuck. She lives in the back of the car and shit in the Cadillac? Yeah, she's the fucking scam on. By 7-11, she plays retarded and shows you a pussy, like her underwear is like fat, and they got skid marks on them. That lady lives in a fucking brand new Cadillac, two blocks away.

You got to see her pick the wheelchair up with one hand and throw it in the fucking trunk. And here you are under $2. And she's taking that thing right to fucking, uh, the track up there and fucking, and Rosedale, whatever that is, Hollywood Park, whatever. I swear to God. You got to be careful. I can tell Ben to Hauer.

There's a little black kid by 7-Eleven in Magnolia. He comes out of the wilderness. Around 10.30, he called it to 11. If you're over there by a 7-Eleven, you'll see him by the dumpster. Yeah. I always buy him a pound cake,

a Coke, and I give him like five fucking bucks. And you see him, bro. His eyeballs, he's, listen, it doesn't take a genius to know. He's got mental health. Yeah. He's not a black bump.

He's got mental health. There's another black guy that lives right by my house under that bridge. There's garbage out. Won't take a donation. He tells me he chooses to live that way. And he's as intelligent. I've discussed this guy before. He lives on Chandler before you hit Kofax.

There's a bridge. Under that bridge, behind it, there's a fence opening. He puts his shit out. And in the daytime, he gets son out on the park bench. I don't know where he bades. He's got a thing with hubcaps and he sells them. You don't know how many times I've taken a hubcap. Let me give you $3.00.

I don't want no donations, man. I do this as a choice. I've even tried to lay sandwiches next to him from the fucking Jersey mics. He wants to cover his own spread. And I respect that. What the fuck am I going to do? I respect that shit.

Look at you. You're sitting over that drool all over yourself like, you know, Jimmy Belinda. You're all right? I'm fine, yeah. What did you do today? You hung out at the house all fucking day. I got a nothing day.

You didn't get no sun today. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. Well, I was trying not to get sick. And, yeah, I just had a day number-self. I tried not to get sick, cock-sucking. What were you doing? Sitting on the couch, trying not to get sick with your feet up,

looking at your toes, thinking there's a good country. Yeah. Right now, a kid in my age is getting shot in Israel. Here I am, trying not to get fucking sick. There's a black kid in Australia. with flies on him right now. You think he's trying not to get sick. Australia?

Yeah. But here you are, and your condominium up there in Van Nuys, laying back thinking to yourself, I'm not even going to leave the house today because I might get sick. You understand me what I got to deal with? I don't understand what I have to do.

I always do, except they didn't leave for an hour and a half. That was it. You didn't leave till I called you five, you're lying sack of shit. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you were in the house all goddamn day. I'm always in the house all day.

All day. You didn't even step out to get son nothing. breathe. Nothing. Breathe fresh air. You're in there smelling that Jew air by yourself, the penny jar, the whole fucking thing by yourself.

You gotta smell the penny jar sometimes. This is where I live with. You understand me? Fast. Give me the fucking sheets. You piss me off. A beautiful day. It's gonna rain for four days.

El Niño's making a comeback and you're in the house till four o'clock. Not even outside the peak. He lives like Herman. He lives like Grandpa under the fucking stairs. I try to get him out. He's a young man 27 years old. I try my fucking artist to get him out of the house.

Nothing. He's thinking about getting sick. That's what he tells me. 27, I was smoking fucking free-based coat. I had a lung that was bleak. You think I was worried about getting sick? This is what I got to deal with, ladies and gentlemen. But here you go.

This is how I deal with him. Here's a great way to start your year, by the way. Let's be honest. Most of your problems start in your fucking mind. This thing I go through with the breathing. This is all in my mind. I worked out with a guy on Sunday and he was telling me how my heart rate was great. He goes, maybe you lost so much weight around your fucking chest

that your heart's being a little bit too fast and you're not controlling. He goes, just breathed out of your nose. You know, fear, anger, stress, anxiety, depression, sleepiness. All this is caused by a little bit of stress. They be getting your head, but they can wreck your life. All right. So here's the beauty of it. It doesn't have to be that way. You can make a major difference in just 10 minutes.

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I'll learn how to meditate. And this time now I'm just sitting there and I'll fold my legs up and I'll just breathe and I'll focus my third eye and I'll just look straight, whatever the hell it is. I still know it helps me. Join over 4 million users already getting some headspace for free. right now. This is what I want you to do. Download the free, free Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash Joey. The Headspace 10 program is 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy, modern life. Train your mind

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come in. Hedy 6. I want to thank Anit.com. Use it over joy's church. That's right. And get 5 for 5. And I also want to thank Headspace.com right now. Give me some dates, Steve, Simone. Where are you traveling to? I'm going to be at Denver Comedy Works. The last two weeks of January with Ari Shafir and Steve Renazizi.

And then where you're going? And then the next day for sure is the third week of February. I'm going to be at the La Jolla Comedy Store. And then March, you're going to Shanghai. Yeah, Singapore and Shanghai. We got a lot of people who listen to the podcast. You do? We got family in fucking Shanghai.

It's great. It's right. Last time somebody was on here, talked about Shanghai. They went there and they did heroin. Some chicks sucked that dick with a blindfold on. That's a party. We run here at the church, Jack. I love you, Joey.

Thanks for having. Where are you doing? Oh, I thought we were. And you were a blood drive on the 13th? Yeah, that'd be huge. Where's the blood drive? It's going to be at Children's Hospital, Los Angeles. Let me ask you, they give you a couple volumes or anything to calm you.

I don't know. I don't think you could talk to the nurse, give me a couple of volumes. They might do it for you. You ever see that? When people pass out, when they give them blood, they go right for their dick. You ever see that? That's why they got to pop their pants open. No.

If you go to the Red Cross, look at the people. They always got it. They go for the dick. They're shaking like that. You never seen that? Who goes for the dick? I don't know. That's why I heard one time with those places.

You got to be careful. People pass out. That's what they go for. How long is the drip? How long do you sit there giving blood? It all depends. You can sign up in advance now. How long do you sit there for, Steve?

And what's the long as you sat there giving blood? For me, it took a long time because I didn't make my appointment in advance. And I waste that's it. That's not the question. They wouldn't take my blood because I went to Iraq. So I got to wait until May this year because I went to Iraq. You got blood driving. Then you get blood.

You got me over here giving praises about you. You didn't even give blood. They wouldn't let me do it. You see what I got a deal with? I'm honest. I'm not lying. I went to the back and everything. This guy don't get blood.

This fucking Jamok. Look at this fucking deal. Where are you going to go to the time? Home. Home. I hope so. So when people put the kneel in there on homes, they usually take the- Couple minutes.

How many minutes? 20 minutes, you should be done. 20 minutes, 16 ounces. Yeah. How many times I would faint in fucking 20 minutes? They would just pull it out and go, no, that's enough. This poor guy, he looks like, Jesus. at the end of the road but god Jesus Christ every time I think about that I get anxiety

just give them blood like I could give a couple ounces I could give six ounces but you know what between me and you there's no kid that needs my blood my blood is shot I could see it it's like purple it's like you know it's like black people blood I got like purple tiger blood and shit I got that shit with the hiv that fucking Charlie Sheen got it just hasn't made his appearance I got a rash on my ankle I've had for a year I don't I don't even say nothing. Every time I go for a blood test, I just keep my fingers crossed.

Hell, Mary. Hope they don't fucking catch it. What do you got playing, Lisa? You got your new podcast, fuck-oh, don't you? Yeah, it's called Life and Neutral. The new episodes will come out tomorrow. Well, you have one, the first episode came out last week. You're beautiful.

You start a new podcast. You're keeping alive this year. No more people coming to disrupting you. You know what I'm saying? You get disrupted easy. That's it. This guy's the only guy you can disrupt. You could talk to them at one of a class.

clock and I'll tell you about this diet he's on, South Beach and the 2 o'clock. I'm going to get tacos. You don't get tacos. We just had to talk about dieting. When are you going to get tacos? If you just get tacos, they don't have that.

No, no, no. If you eat 18 of them. You don't eat 18 of them? How many tacos are the G? Four. Yeah. How do I know that? Do you think I don't know this?

What about the rice? The sour cream? You don't get rice? You don't work out all weekend. Nothing. I'm out there 50 fucking do sweating like a pig, smelling like dick. And you're at home.

I don't want to feel sick. Yeah, his call is sick. And I don't want to get sick because we have a busy week. You said, one guy don't get blood. The other guy don't want to get sick. I should stab him in the fucking neck right now. He's probably a half of hemophiliac. He died of bent over here.

I love you guys. We'll be back Wednesday, the 13th or Thursday the 14th. We haven't fucking decided you. I love you, motherfuckers. Also, rest in peace day, Bowie. It's a fucking shame. but we all die. What are we going to do, Lisa,

you know what I'm saying? I might be gone tomorrow. You never fucking know. God bless all you motherfuckers. Thank you for listening to the church. My main man, Steve Syatt, my little brother, fucking Steve Syatt.

Steve Simone and my little brother, Lee Syatt, stay black cock suckers. This show is brought to you by Headspace. The Headspace Take 10 program is a 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your business. in modern life, so download the free

Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash Joey. And shows brought to you by hites6.com. Use hit, use code word Joey's church to get five hit E6 for $50. And go to Annette.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products.