The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #347 - Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: January 15, 2016

Tony Hinchcliffe, comedian and writer who is releasing his first special, "One Shot" Friday January 15th on Netflix joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50  Recorded live on 01/14/2016.
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Get it. Feeling the black chicks. Oh shit. Thursday January 14 motherfuckers What's happening you bad motherfuckers Lee Syatt, your uncle Joey Tony Hinchcliff again

He's doing the fucking rounds this week Just to make sure you motherfuckers know He's going to be on Netflix With his first special, 31 years old I'm very, very proud of you, man Thank you so much, Joey This is big And I was thinking about the last two days

It's bigger because now you've got to follow it See, I'm 52. I got one special in me. Once it's over, I can't follow it. I have to put my whole heart into it. Have people die in the audience and shit because that's it. Now you're going to do shoot eight specials and all of them. We've got to be like fucking the white dude that died.

What's his name? Carlin. So it's good, but it's good to have you here. Thank you, man. I'm excited about it. Always a pleasure. What's up with you there? I'm doing great.

It's fun with Tony. I've known you for a couple of years. And when I first met you, you were doing like the podcast with Red Band. And that's like an amazing thing about podcasting now is we've seen you go from, not I'm not going to say open mic or but I just do someone at the store and now your special is coming out on Netflix. Right. It's insane. You're absolutely right.

I might be probably, I mean, I don't know. I didn't look into it, but I might be the first person ever to go from no TV stand-up spots whatsoever. I never did Conan. I never did the Tonight Show. I never did a spot on Comedy Central. Why is that? You know, with the- You're clean, you're young, you're handsome.

With the network stuff, I think it's because I'm clean, but my material is definitely edgy, you know? Like, you know, all my favorite jokes, the stuff I like to talk about is I like to take dark subjects and make them funny. I don't like to talk about funny stuff and make it funnier. I like to talk about stuff. Like I was just telling you, you know, I have this new movie theater shooting bit. You know, it's like I like to take, I like to make the crowd go in the beginning when I'm starting. I want them to go like, no way. What's he doing?

And then I want to see those same faces that are looking like they're, they don't trust me straight to fucking cracking up. I want to see that transition. I want to see that change. And that's the type of stuff that I love. So with the network, there's that. With Comedy Central,

I've been in the writer's rooms for years and years and years. And I think personally maybe they, I think they want to keep me there. Good, good, good. At least you know where you stand. You're not, you know, my first couple of years, everybody comes saying, when are you going to Montreal?

And this was way before 9-11. And after one day, I just stopped. I said, you know what? I'm not going to war with these. guys, I'm getting spots at the store. I'm getting spots at the improv. I'm getting spots at the factory. What difference is it make? I'm getting my point across right here in Los Angeles. Sometimes a lot of young comics. I see comics. Now I bump into. What's up?

I'm still having struggles at the store. So you walk around wounded 60% of the time. You know what? Do a spot somewhere else. The store, when the store's ready for you, they'll let you know. You'll be ready for the store. But for you to walk around ruined it, you hate Adam, you hate this guy. This guy's not giving you spots. Listen, man, when I first got here, Jamie Massada fucking despised me. Just despised me. And then I was friends with Ralphie, then Ralphie fucked them.

Then I was more despised by the guy. And one day I got a phone call at my house and there's him saying you're always invited to come to my comedy club. Was I mad at them? Ten years ago, we were going to fuck you, bitch. I needed you 10 years ago. But you know what? Just that at least, you know, the big of the man,

the bigger the fucking mistake. Hey, man, 10 years ago, you came into my club. You said something about a finger and somebody's asshole, I can't have it at 9.30. And I didn't like you. I heard some drug stories. Hey, I wouldn't have liked me either. Right.

But just the fact that you called, you know what I'm saying? Not everybody's going to like you in any business that you do. So if there's, if nobody's going to hinder your success, they're just not going to do business with you. And so you go on and move on to do business with somebody else. And someday, either they're going to be sorry they didn't do business with you or they will do business with you. Right. But don't you look at it as they're hindering your success? At that time, because we don't know better.

Right. At that time, because you have no wisdom. You have no patience. When you have no patience, when you love something, as much as we love this, and you come to this town and you're living on the fucking floor, your friend's apartment, and you know you're fucking funny. And you know you fucking got it. But you have a couple elements missing. You don't see it that way. You want the same envelope there again.

And now that becomes a different demon that you're fighting. You're fighting demons that you can control and demons that you can control. So what separates you then? Because I'm sure there's a lot of the crazy people in this town who are like, I know I'm funny. I'm funny and all these people, but they're just crazy. Time. Time. Time.

That's all it is. It's time. Time. Listen. How long are you going to fucking be here with this? And I hate saying this shit. This is why I have a problem also doing Killed Tony. Because I don't like stepping on somebody's dream

So who the fucking am I to tell you What time it is when you leave this fucking town Who are the fucking am I to tell you What to do with your dream? Not your career. A career and a dream is something different. When you first come here, it's a fucking dream That becomes a career and sneaks up on you.

Okay, that's what happens. But for me to judge you and say, Tony, if you don't make it in 10 years, You might as well get the fuck out of it. That's wrong. Right. So now you're going to do. You have to step in with logical solutions.

I bumped into a lady at the coffee shop. She goes, you might have remember me. I did comedy you 10 years ago. She goes, I finally quit four years ago. I wasn't getting anywhere. It was ruining my marriage. It was ruining me as a mom. Now I do it as a hobby.

I accepted my feck and fate. But for you to come at me after 24 years and say, hey, I'm thinking of doing a podcast, you know, like you've done everything already. This success is what you judge it. I know you've had inner demons at the comedy store with no spots. And then you have to look at the lineup and go, you know what, man, there's eight motherfuckers in there. I go on the road with Rogan.

I got two spots. What else do I want? Right. There's motherfuckers that do not. I remember bitching at the store one night, 1245. And somebody said, you don't want the spot? Put a fucking sign out and see how many people sign up at the 1245 spot at the comedy store. Everybody wants to do a spot at the comedy store.

comedy store and you're bitching about a 1245 spot but this doesn't even apply to comedy this applies to anything and personal life the impatience we have it's true and i've grown so much over the past year with that like you know adam is the you know that you keep bringing that up and it's like it's such a true situation i've grown as a human and as a man from it personally it's been like my biggest expansion in the past year is and it's been something i've been doing this eight and a half years every single night for eight and a half years and And finally it's starting to click. Like, you know, everybody will come around.

You know, it was tough because I dropped back, you know, hours in the lineup at the comedy store. I felt like I was one of the only people getting demoted. But as time goes on, Adam gets me. I get Adam and everything's figuring itself out because I'm not stopping the work. You know, if I stopped working and I let it get me down and bum me out and wasn't writing new material, then I'd be screwed. But instead, I'm manning up and just pushing forward.

And look what's happening. You know, sometimes you give people no other choice, you know, other than to show them what you can do. And I don't know the situation, but for me, I had to work on if it's not under my control, like, why would I stress out about it? So you, like, you looked it as a demotion, but then maybe Adam is just looking at it like, hey, I'm bringing all these other people in. They got to go somewhere. It's not anything against Tony. Right. And it's not like anything you do or you getting upset about it is going to affect it in any way.

Totally. So you just, yeah, that was, it's really hard. Right. It's to be like, I can't, nothing I do is going to affect this. Right. So I just got to forget about it. You made a beautiful point. Yeah.

Doing comedy for eight and a half years. I'm your uncle Joey. Let me tell you what I had going on at eight and a half years. So, 91, June of 91 is the first time I got on stage. So what's eight years after that? It's June of 99, 2000. At 99, I had shot a pilot for CBS. That didn't get picked up.

That was highly touted. I made good money on it, the whole thing. I picked up the movie Basketball, which at the time was, you know, this was their fucking big movie. You're in Baseball? Yeah, they were in South Park. And I got hired out of the store. Yeah. Which gives you that, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, it's the best. If somebody saw you last night, they want you to go audition. That's a great fucking feeling, okay? I had no manager. I had basically no agent. And I had the coloring book, two black chicks in the Warner Brothers lot that sent out paperwork and fucking coloring box tubes and shit. You just can't believe this. I, you know, I was fucking, you know, nobody wanted to talk to me from Montreal, APA.

None of the big agencies would even talk to me, even consider looking at me. I was friends with Joe. Joe was starting to go on the road, but he was taking Chris McGuire. He wasn't taking me. which made me feel even worse at that time. But the broad side was that I didn't know, the truth, the truth amongst men, I was getting six spots a week from Mitzie Shore. And every time I would feel bad, I go, it doesn't matter.

Because the chick who's made most of the careers in this town believes in me. She gives me six spots a fucking week, sometimes seven, because I hosted. I hosted Sundays, and she'd give me. me Monday through Saturday. Every great while, she wouldn't give me Wednesday. But pretty much, I was getting six months away. And just to let you know, like, I can relate to that because that's finally towards the end of his tenure. That's what I worked my way up to with Tommy. And I know you didn't like Tommy and this and that, but I will say this, is that he was in that cover booth, maybe doing more than just watching comedy. But he was also paying attention to those shows. And

he wasn't a big like yeah Tony you're doing good so I'm going to give you whatever you want I he was the opposite to where he said things to my friends like he'll never pass me this and that and you know what it did it fired me up and I gave him I had to kill I had to kill had to kill there was no other choice I couldn't just do good so I had to stand out out of everybody over and over and over and over again and then I got all the way to exactly what you're talking about anything I put in my avails for I was there and I was there and I I was clicking up to the middle again with no TV credits. This is way before my Netflix special, two, three years ago. And without anything, other than my killing, you know what I mean? Tommy didn't do all bad at the store. Correct. He did some bad things. What topped it off, why he lost faces, he was clipping money out of the register.

Once they catch you clipping, you don't have a leg to stand on. They got him on film. His name is candid, candid camera, fucking that town. They got that motherfucker on film. I'm surprised Jamie Kennedy didn't pop up from under a table. Okay, and I feel bad for Tommy. I have no hatred for Tommy. I didn't like what Tommy did at the store in the beginning when I was there,

and I want people to understand that. The store is my world. The store was my world. Totally. When I tell people this, that you can't disrespect the store, you can't do a thousand things. And, hey, everybody knows I did a thousand bad things at the store. I never got in front of my comedian brothers and sisters.

You know, there's people that come in that are not store people. And then there's store people. I would never get in the way of one of my store brothers at all. I cheer for them even behind closed curtains. That's the secret that I have. Before I leave my house every night, I take the remote from my wife, whatever the fuck she's watching. And I put on to see who's going to be on Jimmy Fallon.

And I see who's going to be on after Jimmy Fallon. And I see who's going to be on NBC. and if it's somebody from the store, I tape it purposely, whether I talk to that person or now or would I see that person? Who did I tell you rocked my world last week, Lee? Eliza. Fucked my shit up Friday night.

Fucked it up. Say what you want to say. These dumb fucks that say women ain't funny, she fucked my world up. Wow. My dick was so hard going into Saturday. And then you know who killed it? That fucking kiss of that Tina Fey

and her chubby friend on the Christmas Saturday live. With their pathetic fucking comedy and the patheticism of people who watch that shit. Yeah. And the patheticism of how it's become this fucking thing. And I don't even know what the fuck you're laughing at. Right. Elijah was funny. That's a girl that goes to the store in between killers with that tight little body and that beautiful smile.

And makes you forget she's fucking hot. Right. Most women want you to think they're hot. Eliza makes you fucking forget she's hot. I was trying to look at her thighs and her ass and her legs. But I kept giggling like her. fucking cunt of the fucking jokes. I was a giggly fucking girl at the same

time enthusiastic and cheering for fucking Eliza. You know, Eliza came three years after I left. It doesn't matter. She's one of my fucking comedy sisters and that's it. Our friends, that's going to be on the show next week. You fuck with her.

I will go to the fucking Schrader. I will dig up that gun and I will shoot you in broad fucking daylight and do the 20 years. You fuck with that little white What's your friend's name? Sarah Tiana? I dare somebody.

That's my girl. In the history of their life, well, I'm alive on this planet for somebody to fuck with Sarah Tiana. I will put more bullets in you that that black guy put in the fuck in front of the comedy store. And I'll do it. I'll grab you by the head and I'll shoot you in the main room out of respect because I'm sacrificing my soul right there. You fuck with that white girl.

That's my number one. And see what the fuck I will do to you. Once a week. I will pipe you to death. shoot you, light you on fire, take you on sunset, run over you, shoot you again, then put you up on the 170 where you belong, cock suck up there in the weeds. These are your comedy brothers and sisters. I always say that when it comes, I'm so with you on that, the comedy store brothers, you know what I mean?

Like, I always say that my least favorite person at the comedy store, if I saw them getting beat up somewhere in a dark alley, anywhere else, I'd be right there, taking shots for them. and that's just if you believe and that's the thing with the story and I think that the people that believe that about the comedy store are the people that get the most out of it. If you put it up on a pedestal, if you treat it like it's bigger than Madison Square Garden, then that's the level that you're performing at. If you go, oh, the comedy store is just another club. It's like the lapagga.

It's like the improv. It's like the, if you think that, then what's raising your stakes? I feel bad for people that don't look at it like it's the chapel, the church and everything. Yeah. I don't even listen to music. on the way to the comedy store. I love that. Do I pick you up any night to go to the comedy store anymore?

Not really? No. I drive by myself and I turn the music off. Quiet before the store. I'm going. Where I'm going. How lucky I am. I think of 1998, when I used to cry myself to sleep

from wanting to be at the store. And here I am. When I was at the store in 95, 96, 94, the addiction had taken over my love for the comedy store. and I was just basically going to the economy store to on the way home pick up Coke and to just tell myself that before I did the Coke I did a spot.

I'm that responsible, but I wasn't getting anything out of the spot. When I left the store, it was a two-way street. I was happy to leave the store. I have clipped cell phones from the store when people would lose them. In the beginning, there was these bank robbers.

They used to hang out with Eddie Griffin. They had a phone store as a front on Crenshaw, and whenever people would lose their phones, they would return them to lost and found, and I'd come in two days later and clip the phone and sell them. I once took a bill, a $100,000 package of money

that the manager left out by mistake in my coke-addicted ways from the comedy store. But if you go to the comedy store, like any given day, about 1 o'clock, the liquor department in those days used to leave all the booze outside. Oh, yeah.

All you had to do is take, two cases and go up and down sunset and sell them for wholesale. To where? You walk into anybody. How you doing? Whiskey, go-go. How are you doing, man? Listen, I got a truck of Bayleys that just fell off a truck.

I got six bottles. I just stopped at the liquor store. You know, they go for 24. That's 140, whatever the fuck it is. Give me 50. And they're not scared because I was going to bring this up a few weeks ago. This dude at the laundromat came in with four huge boxes a tide and I was just I was there and I saw the woman come up and buy it from and she's like he's like he's

like we just started talking he's like yes yes for this a few days ago I just got I didn't ask where he got it from but point of the fucking story I never took the bottles even in my coquiest fucking ways I had some some form of respect for the store I never I never never called Scott Jimmy whatever Kelly Frank Kell whatever his name is Princess Corey, Duncan, I never called them in my heart, in my life, I swear to Mercy's eyes. I never called him and said, Tony Hink's curses too much, he can't go in front of me, or he talks in front of the audience. I took my medicine at the comedy store, and I took it from Mitzie Shore. And I said this a thousand times.

I took the medicine of Dom Herrera had to serve back then. He was unfallible, and Paul Mooney was unfallible. And the black kid with dreads was unfallable. and it was my home. The only thing I did at the comedy store was I drink and I snorted Coke. And looking back at it now, it was very disrespectful. I looked at the guys before me

and I thought it was cool to do that. It's not. It's disrespectful. That was my home. But I learned, I got my life together, and I go back then and I treat it like I treat it. I go in, I do my spend, and I leave. Yeah.

I don't, and I give support to the young guys. And you said something interesting there that I think plays into, the going up later at the comedy store thing about how it's, you know, when you get great and you master following the best, then you get used to that drug. You know what I mean? And you love it. You worked your way up from the late night to that clump. You're following Paul Mooney. You're following Dom I were on fire. And that's another thing that happened with me. A few years ago, all of a sudden I was in the mix. Chris Delia, then Tony Hinchcliffe, this unknown. Rick Ingram,

monster who when I got there in 2007, I looked and I was just like, what the fuck is fucking, you gotta be careful. You gotta be careful. If he gets a good win behind him, boy, you're gone. You're gone. He's unbelievable. A couple weeks ago, he had my heart pumping. He had my thought little heart pumping. I was high and I'm like, I gotta follow this shit. There I was following him, following everybody, Caparulo, this and that, whoever was there at the time. And my point is, is like, I come from the school of Rogan when he says, fuck, you know, putting on a half-ass show. That's why I bring the guns with me.

He brings you, which is a joke. If you don't know comedy, nobody would take Joey Diaz to open for them. That's insane. He takes Ari Shafir, Duncan, these monsters. It's not just because they're our friends. That's part of it. That's why we made friends with them because we love killers. And a thing that happened is like when this transition happened a couple years ago, I went way back.

And now all of a sudden I'm having to rebuild the room instead of following. A lot of people are deathly afraid in stand-up comedy of following somebody good. And I'm the opposite. I go, let's put on a show. It makes it special. When you hear that crowd thumping, you're like, the way I look at it is I can get that out of them. You hear that volume? That means that it's possible to get that out of these people.

Let's do this. You know, and, you know, that's why I had you even open up for my one hour special. Comedians. Some of the, one of the best comedians at the comedy store goes to me, said to me, he goes, hey, you're shooting your special, you're trying to shoot a special in a few days, huh? He goes, I go, yeah, I go, check it out. Joey Diaz is going to open the show. He goes, that's a terrible idea.

Don't do that. Don't do that. He's going to go and he's going to, there's not going to be anything left. It's going to be. No, it was the opposite. It was the opposite. And that person, I know how to do the opposite. Last night came up to me at the comedy store and goes, dude, I told you to not have Diaz open for you.

And now you got that shit on Netflix. And it is. Listen, I almost called. I sit here. times and questioned mine and Rogan's friendship. I really question it because I don't know what the fuck he's talking about half the time. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about half the time. But I look at Pete last week on and I'm saying this, I don't know about my stand-up,

I don't know about my acting, I don't know about my writing, I don't know about nothing. I say this with the fucking highest conviction in the world. Last week on UFC tonight, they voted the best training camp. to train at some people went with aka some people were with Greg Jackson in my book it's Greg Jackson I can tell you why some other some other time but in my world my friendship was last night I fuck and I'm gonna tell this story last night I went to the ha ha and then I went to flappers I was by myself and on the way home I was pulling up and I stopped at 7-11 and I bumped than to the kid who wrote the book for Sex and the City.

Fuck. Great kid. Rocker guy. Rocker comedian, had a talk show in the daytime. I've known him since 97 out of it. He's done great things. A comedian kid. Had an HBO special.

I saw him last night. I went, what the fuck are you doing that? He goes, my band rehearses around the corner. So I started talking to him for a little on. On the way, I'm going, let me just call Joe. I know Joe was at the comedy store last night. It's 12, 15. He's either down there or he's driving home.

And I called him up. And sure enough, he's going to a drive-thru. You know, I sat in my car from 12, 15 to 10 after 1, pretty much talking to Joe. I even went back outside, got high, and called him back. And we talked about where have you been this week? I told him I went to a Mexican room and it was shell-shocked and I was starting from scratch. And I went to the ha-ha. And I told him when I had done all week.

And he's like, I really like your strategy. we were talking about comedy strategy how to rebuild yourself how to go down to one of those Mexican rooms and start from scratch and then go to the flappers and then go to the ha ha because the comedy store is completely different

but how to get that just talking on stage just talking and I realized that when I went in the house at like 1.30 that Jesus Christ me and this kid just talked for an hour and a half about comedy

at the end we'd mention families how's your girls good how's your girl great by boom end the story we didn't talk about podcast we didn't talk about comedy dates we didn't talk about at UFC we were like two fucking jerk offs talking the qualities of common

what he's doing how he did some kids show and he had two bits and he went home and he wrote them out and he tried them last night and they were great it's this strategy yeah and and it's like I look at it like the UFC a little bit it's a strategy I have always looked at it ever since I got into the UFC yeah like for example like

I look at the comedy store. Maybe we'll call the comedy store jujitsu, right? And in all black room as like striking. You know what I mean? You spend too much time with your jujitsu. You go up against a striker audience. You're messed up. You know what I mean?

You could be Rhonda Rousey at the comedy store, but you face a striker like Holly home. On the road, you're not used to the venue. You're not used to the air. Toilets flush in the other direction in Australia. Shit's a little bit off. She got taken out. A woman who they considered unstoppable.

greatest athlete in the world. Cover of the video game. There was all that entire fight. Every commercial, they're going to the new UFC the video game. It's Rhonda on the cover. Getting not out. Like with that neck kick or the picture you've seen it just that fucking moment. And you got to be able to do it all. I do an all black movie theater at Hollywood and Highland once a month. Nobody else. I go to the comedy store afterwards. People can't even relate. I can't even tell them about. It's about it. They don't even understand. All black movie theater, all black audience. Last month, I got heckled by ASAP Rocky, a rapper who's on my playlist. He's fucking cool as fuck. I didn't even realize it was him. He stands up during this Michael Jackson bit I'm doing. He goes, stop, stop, stop, starts waving his arms. The whole movie theater knows that it's A sap Rocky. I don't know, because I came in halfway through the show from another gig. And I go, sit down, you broke ass, you know, dude, look at your cheap ass tin foil grill. That's even a real grill and you're complaining oh i'm not allowed to make fun of michael jack crowds i mean dying there's towels when you do in all black room towels come out of nowhere these white

towels are waving around people getting up out of their seats that's what's the most fun shit to do i don't know if it sounds racist or not but black people are the best audience members hollywood and highland it's in a movie theater it's in this it's in the chinese theater they take one of the comedy they have one of the theaters they just built a stage in front of it and they have their logo up on the movie theater screen and they fill it up once a month Russell Simmons is always there I do it once a month Russell's right in the middle flanked by beautiful women four beautiful women on each side he's on the VIP couch in the middle of this movie theater but this guy's like in row three or four he's standing up big tin foger

it's ASAP Rocky I go to the comedy store for my next spot after that I get a text from my manager going are you in a battle right now with ASAP Rocky all of a sudden I start rewinding and it hits me I listen to this guy Every day on my playlist. He's got one or two songs on my get pumped up while in the shower. I got fucking Bluetooth. You have a big Bluetooth in your shower yet, Joey? Oh, my God.

This is going to be the thing that puts your life into overload. When you're fucking singing in the shower with a, they didn't have these Bluetooth. They have the one that you put the iPhone. That one? No, it sticks right on your wall. And then you, you know how your car gets your phone? It's the same thing. I just got it.

It's great. You keep the phone right there on the shelf next to the shower next to. next to your towel or whatever, hit your playlist, and then it's right there with you. It's just hugging you in the shower, just the warm water and the music. And ASAP Rocky there every day. And that's the type of stuff.

If I wanted to just be on the Tonight Show or do something else, I'd have different places I'd go, this and that. But you're right, it's strategy. You've got to work every muscle. You've got to be a striker. You've got to know jujitsu. You've got to know wrestling. You've got to know a little bit of judo.

You've got to know a little bit of kickboxing. If you don't, An audience on the right night will take you the fuck out in front of an audience. They'll take you out. It's always there. There's always a chance that it's that wrong crowd. I did a Tonight Show showcase last night, had a bad set for the first time in months. Because I had to go, I had to re-stratage everything, change wording.

Just some showcase, the Tonight Show showcase, which I probably have no business being on. I shouldn't even want to do it. But I still sort of do. No, you have to do everything. Right, totally. You have to do everything because you don't know who's going to bite. It's an industry audience, and I'm doing old stuff, and it just wasn't clicking. And then I go down to Sam Tripoli's naughty show, and I basically go straight up.

I go, Sam, if you have any room, I really need a spot right now because I needed to recover. I needed an audience. I needed to beat somebody up in this UFC analogy. And I went in and fucking ripped it. I mean, there wasn't a period where somebody wasn't clapping. How was Sam's room? It was great last night. It was great.

It was a main room, right? It was a main room, right? Yeah. It was great. It's, it's, uh, when I first got here at the eight and a half year mark, I didn't have a strategy. I had this, I had goals and I knew I had to go up a certain amount of week. And I knew that I wanted to write a certain amount of material in a certain amount of time.

But I wasn't doing a third of the work I'm doing now. And I think it goes for every job, by the way. I think if you're a janitor, you need to have strategy, you're thinking ahead. What's the next room? What's the next this? What else can I do? How do I dress? How do I make my appearance better?

do I, you know, not smell bad. It's like every little thing, you know what I mean? Like, how can you up your game in anything, in any aspect? You're an accountant. Then why not take a class on psychology and like, why not figure out how to communicate better or get a better, you know, phone system or something like that? You have to up your game all the time. I don't think it even just applies for standup, it applies for life.

It's taking chances. Going outside of your comfort zone is what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Always. That's the number one. thing that you will not grow as a human being emotionally, all those areas. If you don't step outside, just sweat it a little bit and go, wow, this is the other side. Okay, this is where I didn't want to be.

This is where I do want to be. And to go back to it since we've been talking about it, for example, like when Adam took over a couple years ago, I started freaking out immediately. And via text, I'd go, dude, I'm following people that I haven't followed in years. you know what I don't understand what's happening here I'm doing this I'm doing this I'm doing this I'm the writer for this that's the most watched thing on comedy you know it's like come what are we doing here and every single up until a couple weeks ago and now it's gotten to the point to where it lasts one message and I go dude no spots all weekend and he just this sends back a smiley face sorry dude got you next week you know what I mean like and that by the way up until two weeks ago the last time before that was six months, literally six months in which I even texted or emailed or anything. You know what I mean?

But it went from, like me panicking in that comfort zone thing where it's like, I'll be in town one weekend now. I'm so busy now that I'm in town one weekend a month now. And I'll put in my avails for that weekend. I don't get a weekend spot. It used to be, I'd freak out and go, dude, what are you doing? I was built here. All I live for this place.

What are you doing with me? How do I knock it one weekend spot the one weekend I'm in town? And now I will sweat it. And I'll go, no weekend, huh? Well, I'm going to write a fucking joke that will make it so that I will never not get a weekend again to where even the comedians would want to go. Where's Tony Hinchcliffe? We need him here because he's got that joke. You know what I mean?

It gets my wheels turning. I use it for the fire. That's what getting out of the comfort zone is. I could message him and be a baby and get a spot. But, you know, it's just like working. It's like just trying to grow, sweating it. No, you can't be messaging the guy when you don't get spots. You have to just move on and attack a different room or take the day off or not, you know,

it's become a place where there's a lot of people down there. There's a lot of fucking people down there. Yeah. And even I look at the lineups now, I call them for three times a week. And I'm very happy with that. If I get three spots, two. If I get two at the comedy store, I'll get. get my other floor somewhere else.

You know, we could figure it out. I never want them to think when, even when Mitzie was there, I never wanted them to think that they were my only game in town. Right. I used to do two or three spots before I got there and I didn't have a problem with canceling. Like, if I had to go take out a road gig or something, my goal was to be there, but not really. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it was my cherry on the Sunday. Totally. always worked everything else and the comedy store was always my uh if I get something I get some and there was times I go Jesus fucking Christ she's gonna

stop giving me spots when is this gonna fucking end because in the old days she'd give you Monday for Monday then she'd give you a Tuesday for Tuesday what do you mean oh yeah all right so in the old days at the store you call it Scott Day Monday at 1 o'clock all hot and bothered and if you know Joe D I called it 903. Okay. 903, I already had my avails in for the week. Mitty would give you Monday around 5 o'clock.

That bitch would give you spots at 5. You'd be sitting there going, I don't know what I could do tonight because I haven't gotten a spot from the store. About 6.15, they call you. Joey, 1245. Tuesday, you wouldn't get a call for Tuesday until 6. But by that time, I would have booked the union, which was the old across from, Jesus Christ, there's nothing there anymore.

Where the chick walks across the street and dances. Oh, right it. The pink taco. Yeah, pink taco, national lampoons. Yeah, next to national lampoons, not the bar that goes down, even more up by the taco place. Up the Pinchase tacos? Yeah, by the newsstand. Two doors, no, up more.

Oh, okay. Pinchase tacos, walk that way. Oh, yeah. That next street, there was a great room there on Tuesday. So she would call it. Before Dublin's. Oh, wow. It was even up more from the Dublin.

So it's in between the Dublin on the corner, the Union, downstairs. That was the hottest room ever. That was where I saw Joe Rogan have the set of his life. Never has he had a set like that before. 45 minutes, Paulie, Nick the, it used to entoo-because, because a lot of girls would go down there. Because what's his name would go down to? The guy from Swingers. he hung out down there

John Fabro the other guy he hung out down there so his girlfriend and Ahmed Ahmed opened that room together and then the girl and him broke up

he stopped going down there but girls kept going down there to see him so the place became this comedy thing so you would call there Tuesday should give you the spot about 536 nobody wanted the spot on Tuesdays

because that's when it was the real fat Tuesday 400 black motherfuckers as John Singleton, Denzel Washington, you know, Chris fucking... Rock. The other one. Tucker? Tucker.

And the fucking front of the comedy store would be packed with gang people. The side, it would just be black people everywhere. So the white comics got intimidated. So if you called for a spot on Tuesday, you go, and there was always no more than eight white people on the original. So you went to put up with limo, parking. Sometimes comics got there You couldn't even park in the lot

Because there was so many limos back there So Tuesday you hated She'd give you Wednesday for Wednesday And then she'd give you Thursday for the rest of the week She didn't give you fucking no Never So if you called out on a Tuesday Where you worried she wasn't going to give you the weekend

And those days the rule was to call Coast to Coast That's what it was called Monday to Sunday Yeah She wouldn't call you to your weekend spots To Thursday Sometimes Friday

People were pissed But that was Mity Shaw She was in charge to piss you to fuck off Did you ever have a bad Wednesday night spot And then not get a weekend set? Fuck yeah No, no, no, no Fuck yeah, but if she saw you

On Sunday and Monday And she gave you an instruction And the next time she saw you You didn't do that instruction You were on Grada-Pasada For a couple weeks Until she saw you again And what she told you

you to do, you did. Seeing Mitzie in those days was a catch-22. She might come up to me and go, next time I see you, I want you to have a beard up there like Fidel and wear the green suit. Oh, my God. Oh, no. She wanted you to look like Robert William, Everett.

Yeah. She gave Ebervaya that note. Yeah. And then I came back the following week, and she wouldn't say nothing about it. She'd say, I'd like for you to do my Latino night in Spanish. with a tuxedo on, get yourself a blonde, and we'll call it the Joey and Lucy show.

Oh, Mitzie at the end? Oh, my God. Had some fucking winners. Then she would come up to me. I would be staying there, and she'd come up to me, and she'd look at me for about a minute, and I go, what's up, minutes,

and she'd look at my stomach, and she'd go, and she'd walk away. That was the last year. That's all she did to me. Ah, it's my fat baby. And she'd press my stomach, and go s and walk away. But every, I never,

the only time I complained, I told her the truth about the main room one time. What a mistake that was. When I first got there, I saw she gave me, you know, they give you the original room, the original room,

and the first Saturday you're in the main room. That was when Saturdays were 300 plus. Oh yeah. Okay, so I did the main room. She knew. She knew everything, so you might as well tell her. Mitchie Shaw would say shit to you that you go,

how did you know that? And there was a rumor going around that she had the whole place wired for conversations and shit but it was weird so I saw that Tuesday and I ran up there and I go Mitz don't put me in the main room no more I'm not ready why not

because I'm not ready well we'll see this Friday night and she put you in the main room and then come there and watch and I'd bomb again and she'd say something to me and then she knew if she saw something she would fuck with you I saw people who got

made and disappeared from the comedy so disappeared never heard them again but if she saw something she would work you a certain way three nights a week she'd make you follow this guy two nights a week and don't tell her that you didn't like tony hinskla me and tony hinskla have had a fucking motherfucking argument at the kitchen okay for a month i'd have to follow tony hinsk would follow me that's another that's another thing tommy did i once made the mistake of dating a comedian he put he made sure that's it's You can overcome your objection. Oh, yeah.

You get into an argument with somebody. It's on. It's on. That's what she did to teach you. Yep. It was a way of teaching you. And it works, too. And it works.

When you go to Van de Chubbick, the acting school, one of the first things that of Van dechubbik does with brides is make him get naked. That cracks a woman. Cracks a woman. That takes you from point A to point B. But the women that didn't crack, Holly Berry, the tall blonde that won the Academy Award, and she had three Academy Award winners. because she cracked a woman

a quick glass you know that's the thing with stand-up comedy it could crack you psychologically especially at the fucking comedy store you could crack psychologically dog what do you mean crack you can think that all of a sudden

that an like you're like it can get so bad sometimes that after a show that you're literally like oh my god I'm no different than anyone in that audience I'm just I'm I got nothing. Everything I've gotten to this point was just luck. I'm not funny. You can have a set that throws you off and makes you question everything. It doesn't last that long. You know, you might come out of it half an hour later, 10 minutes later, 10 seconds later. But sometimes there's an audience, like even last

night with this tonight show, five minutes showcase that I had before going down and slaughtering in the main room. And this showcase, and I never got my footing, never got one of those big pops that every other set lately, because I'm working on this new stuff, new stuff, new stuff, new stuff. And none of it's usable for a Tonight Show showcase. So I had to go back and take an old joke and just dust it off. And I'm funnier than this old joke now. This joke I wrote year and a half, two years ago that's in my special that I was doing for the Tonight Show because it's the only clean, clean, clean five minutes that I have.

It's not as funny as I am. I've gotten so much better, in my opinion, in a year and a half that I can't, I can't even sell that junk anymore. You were right a joke that you're not ready for? Oh, yeah. Is that the worst? Oh, yeah. What's the joke? Tell me the joke that you were not ready for that you think is God's gift of creation. And I'll tell you mine.

The joke that I wrote that I was too good to not have, that I wasn't good enough to have at the time was I would always drive by Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. And I kept seeing this out of the closet place over and over and over and over again. And I thought to myself, man, if I could think of something funny about a HIV place that gives away, you know, that's a thrift store that gives up free HIV. HIV test, you know, that would, I could share that with any, that would work on tourists, obviously, who are visiting. I go, there's a place down the street called out of the closet, and it would work on anybody who lives here because they drive by it every day. And I, it hit me. I go, you know, it's a thrift store that gives away a free AIDS test. There's always people in it, and I don't get it, because, I mean, if you're getting your AIDS test at a thrift store, let's face the fact, shall we? You've got AIDS. And it would just bust, you know what I mean? Because back then, when I

wrote that, I was still doing, I was still an employee. So I'm up like with open mic and then there's an open mic with 15 people doing three minutes and then every employee there does three minutes. And you got to stand out in that three minutes because people know that there's just another guy come and they've seen already seen 40 people. And that joke and the tag after where I go, you know, you know, how did they break the news to you? That must suck to work it out of the closet. You know, you're working at a thrift store and you have to tell somebody they got AIDS like what a shitty. job, right? How does that even go down? Oh, your total's $25. Would you like to spend another dollar for AIDS research? I highly recommend you do, because you got it. You know what I mean? Like, all this stuff and this was like four or five years ago. And, you know,

it would get these huge pops. And it wasn't, I couldn't follow it, so I had to close with it. Oh, it's terrible. It's terrible. Yeah. Terrible. Every other joke after that would get silence. They'd be thinking of themselves, what happened to the guy that just did that funny out of the closet joke?

jokes that you can't follow yourself. Yeah. Like you're done. Let's it. And I had those early on where I couldn't follow myself. Can you follow most of your closing bit? Like your closing bit if you're doing an hour. Could you follow it?

No, because you wanted to close. Okay. So what's a difference? So what makes like a bit you can't, like what makes these kind of bits different from just an unromal closing bit? Which ones? No, no. We're talking about saying a joke that you wrote that you weren't ready for at the time. Okay.

So that's like when the president of Israel got shot in 1995, what was his name? Oh, but Benjamin Nanyahu? Ben Nanyahu. I said, today the prime minister of Israel got shot, hey, $40 is $40. And I love that joke. You know, in my mind, it was like he got shot for $40 fucking. He's a Jew, right? They'll shoot you for $40.

Right. And then I used to have like these stupid things that. I would say, and I'd crack up, and two people come up to me and go, dog, I love that joke, but they're not on the page. Was, you know, what does a priest give up for lent? Dick. He ain't given up Dick. Like, that's what I would say, you know. I asked my local priest what he was giving up for lent.

And he told me he ain't giving up Dick. And, you know, there's just things that you say sometimes that, I don't know. I once wrote a joke that nobody, including myself, was ready for because I found out that, Patrick Swayze got pancreatic cancer. And I know, just from being a, what's it, what's it called when you always think you're sick? Hypochondriac. Hypochondriac since I was first born. Like I would ask my doctor fucking everything.

I think I got something. Anyway. So I know the pancreatic cancer kills you within two months. That's the one cancer where it's like, you could have brain cancer and pull off some crazy shit. But there's something about the pancreas where it's like, goodbye, you know what I mean? But I knew that. So I saw Patrick Swayzey had pancreatic. of cancer and I swear to God. And it's the first

joke I ever sold. It was like five, six years ago, whenever Swayze died, but a month before he died, I started writing the Patrick Swayze is dead joke. Like, oh, Patrick Swayze just died, so. But I was doing it on stage. I mean, not only did I write it, I was working it out night

after night to where a month in, I had a three, four minute chunk on Patrick Swayze. You know what I mean? So the night that he died, literally, I remember, remember, I think I could swear it was a Monday, but in any matter, that the Sunday Monday back then was when I had spots. So I go, Patrick Swayze just died. I can't even really remember the

gist of it. It was so long ago, but basically it's like Patrick Swayze just died. Good news is they just started taping a ghost too. This time it's for real. You know what I mean? And it was just like this dumb thing. And I talk about how pancreatic cancer starts with your career. And anyway, But I had this chunk. And when it came out and it was like isolation. I mean, the night was gone after that because people are like, how does, how did that one guy be able to cover something that happened today like that? Because it was. I chiseled and you changed punchlines and you rearrange words over a month with a joke.

You know what I mean? Like I get it to where I know that it will beat for beat, you know, like get them. So it's like nobody was ready for that. And I ended up for a while there making a lot of, I like to honor people when they die with a joke. You know, a lot of people don't like the too soon things. Like I, that's one of my favorite, the only things that I even use Twitter for other than plugging shows is like when somebody dies. I like to think of like, you know, blah, blah, blah. And it's like to pay tribute.

You know what I mean? Like David Bowie died. And I got so excited because I got to write, you know, ashes to ashes to stardust. You know what I mean? Little things. And it's like RIP David Bowie, you know, or like, you know, some things are taken from us too soon. Like when Vanilla Ice stole David Bowie's baseline for under pressure, you know what I mean?

Like, and I write these things. And I think it's a way for people to like cope and deal with it. I went off on a rant there. Sorry, Joey. These fucking people in this PC society, if you say something by somebody dying, everything's always too soon. I'm the type of guy. I'll make a fucking joke at somebody's parents' wedding,

like somebody's parents. It's fucking wake. And they'll laugh. If you're anybody, you'll laugh. When my friend's dad died, he had millions. And he called me on, it's hard when I go, oh, what's this doing with the will? And he giggled.

He goes, only you would ask that cock sucker. He goes, but at least you made me laugh. You follow me? You know, you always got to break that luck. Because I know when my mom died, I was praying for somebody to say something. I had to think of all these fucking jokes in my head. You know, I got left back in the sixth grade.

Never told nobody. Never told my mom. But I always had a feeling I would never have to fucking tell her. Like I was going to pull this over her eyes. And I swear to God, till this day, when she fucking died, and I came around that kitchen and found her, she was dead. And inside, I have no reason to lie. Inside of me, I said, I always knew this bitch wasn't going to find that.

You know? I mean, I'm one of those fucking people. that always makes a joke to myself because that's the only that was the only thing that can break that at that moment I would have had a nervous fucking breakdown so sometimes you just got a crack a joke to yourself that's exactly my favorite thing and it makes it so worthwhile when I do tweet these uh you know like this person just died joke and people literally say you can read the mentions like I never thought if I can't believe I'm laughing at a joke about this this oh my God I love all that shit I love one of the best jokes I ever heard was Bobby Slate and

call me for Christmas. I didn't answer. I was doing something. He goes, hey man, if I don't get a hold of you, I'm sure you're in some broke down tenement with your Cuban family cutting the chicken or some shit. That's a joke that somebody would have got insulted. But it's the truth. There's some things

that, I have conversations of Lee, and I know I say shit to him that his little jaw drops. He's never heard that mind frame. Yeah. But that mind frame exists in America. just nobody wants to say it.

Right. Nobody really wants to say it. They all know it. They all laugh at their handicapped cousin at the Thanksgiving table when he walks away or wobbles away or whatever. You know, it's like they all have the things that they all crack up about. And they all think, but though, that they'll seem like a good person if in their public persona they show something else. But they're not fooling anybody. I know they go and they read.

They have something that gets them off. I assume this is what I've always assumed. You could be the nicest person in the world, but when you get home, you're like, who parked in front of me, that fucking nigga down the corner or that fucking chink down the corner, that spick down the corner? Because I know when I get home and I go, hey, Tony, who parked there? That fucking, fucking little Jew again parked in front of our fucking house?

That cocks sucker, you know, I wish they would have got him in fucking Oshawa. You know, you say this shit. You don't mean it. But people, I've always assumed that. I've always assumed that. That's the way I... That's why when people look at me when I say certain things,

I'm more of a shock from the reaction they give me because in my mind, I assume they think the fucking same thing. You know, I was a Tom's a girl one day, and we went an airport, and I saw a big black dude with a little Japanese chick.

Come on. Come on, dog. If you're not thinking to yourself, what's fucking... What the Jabs do? Did we bomb Hawaii? What island did we bomb? Pearl Harbor.

That's what that little Japs pussy must look like with that big black pogo stick of an honor going to snatch just smoke coming out of it alarms going off down there japanese girl shows home with fucking uh kunta kinti's uncle that's gonna set back japanese relations 8 000 years you can't say this but everybody in my mind everybody thinks this shit oh yeah you know you just think different fucking things and i told tom time's like i've never heard anything put like that before tom this the way i look at i see a five-foot-two Japanese chick with a fucking six-foot-six black guy, her pussy's fucked. That's it.

Once she gives birth to that little fucking half-Japanese black kid, that pussy's done. If you can't, you know, but this is what I'm thinking in my fucking mind is I'm walking down the street. This is how I'm adding humor to my. That's why I hate hanging out with people. Because the inner voice I have in my fucking thing is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. He says shit with no consequences, and he has one audience member, me. I think the reason why it freaks everyone out is because from the time you were young,

if you said something like that, you got yelled at, you got in trouble at school, and I'm not sure that you had that, at least that part of it. I had people who said that in my house. My mom said shit like that in the house. Yep, that's where mine comes from. My mom said shit like that in the house. But then again, I saw her taking cookies across the street to the same black people she just talked about. Oh, the same Italian people she talked about because it was something that you say.

That's why I've always enjoyed the movie, do the right thing. To me, it was Spike Lee's favorite movie because it showed a neighborhood that was divided, but at the same time, they were together. Where are you going to? I'm going on to the Koreans to get a liquor store. He walks in. Where's the, where's the beer at, you fucking yellow motherfucker? But at the same time, they love each other. So at the end of the day, it washes out.

That's the way it is in my mind. At the end of the day, it washes out. You don't think I know that Ari's a lot. comes up to you and say you are on Joey's podcast today, yeah, what that fat motherfucker have to say? I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. That's the way people

talk and that's fine. I'm going to say the same fucking thing. You talk to Ari? Yeah. Yeah, what did you have to say? Does that mean I'm racist? Does that mean I hate Ari? No, that's how we fucking talk. But in some people's world, that's racism or that's

you know, racially and sensitive. What the fuck are you talking about. What the fuck? You might as well tell me your sensitivity to the light. You're half a fruit cake. You're weak. What are you going to do with yourself?

What the fuck? I saw this. They have a school in Calabasas now. That's all vegan. And they have kids. They were showing this thing on the news last night about kids growing. And I couldn't just imagine seeing you watch it and just seeing. Because that's like I didn't grow up in Calabasasas.

But that's where like the like that I grew up in like a white America. So that's if my mom ever said like look at that black. Like that would have been, I would remember that one moment for the rest of my life. That was the funniest thing I've ever heard. What happened? He's not lying. He wants these people impregnating white chicks. Then they go back to their fucking village and they leave these fucking mixed animals up here in Maine, which it's not going to work.

Yeah. It's not going to work in fucking Maine. It's not going to work. Yeah. You know, it's not going to fucking, you're not doing no white kid favors by making a half-mixed kid with fucking black. you know, oh, he's got nice hair. No, but deep down, you know, they know what happened. They know.

Sometimes, and you know what? I think that's a lot of the reason why Trump's doing so well is because he's saying stuff that, you know, at least people are going, well, he's a human being. You know what I mean? As crazy as it sounds like he goes, let's get rid of all the, no Muslims, and let's build a wall. Mexico will build it. And he's saying all this stuff. And it's like, no, at least he's saying, at least he sounds more like a crazy uncle than. nobody, these politicians that said the other day, when there was a terrorist attack in Germany

the other day, I walked by the TV in a hotel, I was in Boston, I walked by the TV, it says, Donald Trump says that Germany terrorist attack happened because they let in these refugees. And it's like they make it look like that's a negative. And I think to myself, you know, well, they did let in all these Syrians, right? I mean, I don't know much about the thing, but they let in, they wanted to look good. So they brought in hundreds of thousands of these people that are used to totally different stuff. And yeah, and they're making Trump look bad by saying, because he said. Oh, they grabbed a bunch of women's titties that New Year's Eve attack where they were finger-banging fucking women and just grabbing their tits and talking about that shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they didn't know that was Syrian rebel or whatever the fuck it was. But look what happened last week in Tacombe. The guy's not talking shit. Yeah. The guy is making sense. And when he said it, he said it the same way I would say something. It's not that it's not thought out.

It's that he didn't use the proper words to describe it. I don't want these Muslims in the, until we figure out a way to figure out their fucking origin. I could live with that. I could live with that until we figure out their origin. Put them in a fucking, when the Cubans came in 80, they had them in a thing called Freedom Town. Or nobody fucking remembers here. When you watch Scarface, nobody remembers the scene when they're under the fucking highway. Oh, yeah, I remember.

Intense. Nobody fucking remembers that? Nobody fucking remembers that. Take these fucking Muslims and take into Guantanamo. and put them on one time them all for fucking six months and observe them and that's how you'll fucking see if Trump were to say that I can live

with that. Not flabbergast them and put water bottles in their asshole or whatever they do. I'm not saying they're fucking terrorists. I'm not saying they're bad people but let's see, let's interview all of them, let's see what the... And then it's the same thing, they get their story straight. But you're going to decipher the amount

if there was 12 and every 100 you might cut it down to 3 in every 100 and then you follow me so I understand what Trump is saying listen man every morning everybody I'm not saying nothing derogatory every morning somebody fucking wakes up in America to a loan mall and looks out the window and says

look at this fucking Mexican I can't sleep late because no he's doing his fucking job you know why obviously you ain't doing fucking yours so we have this belief in this country right now that immigrants are taking our jobs and I believe that the 30% that eventually are numbers but the other 50% of that, 30% of that, is people who don't really want a fucking job.

Because I was raised as an American. You know an American does what you do when you don't get spots? You don't cry. You don't go down there and shoot the guy. You write a joke. Yeah. So they'll always give you spots. Yeah.

And I feel the same way, if you're an American and you want that job in construction, go down there and outwork that Mexican. But you can't. You know why you can't? Because you got your cell phone. Because you got your plans. Because God forbid, you can't go to Tony's 32nd birthday. Who gives a fuck about Tony's 30 second fucking birthday?

I got to make a fucking living. But we've forgotten that in this country because we have all these fucking distractions. I have to do this. I have to do that. You ever go to Target over here in 90-degree weather? Yeah. And you see a Mexican woman who's pregnant with a kid in a basket, another one pushing them across the fucking street.

Meanwhile, your cunt wife isn't a fucking $30,000 vehicle because she might get too high. You understand me? I do the same shit all the time. I feel like pulling her over and hitting my fucking wife with the car and saying, look at her. You know, all these moms and have nannies, all these moms that have people take their kids swimming for them.

Then you figure out what Trump is fucking saying. At least Trump, and I don't agree with 90% of what he says, but at least he has an opinion. It's almost like when the Patriots come and do an interview, oh, we're focused on this thing. Most politicians, when you hear them do interviews, it's not like an actual thought. They had, they had, they went over and practiced, what if they ask you about this?

What if they ask you about that? And at least Trump has an opinion. I mean, I'm not going to vote for him. And I think a lot of what he says, who are you going to vote for? Who are the fucking going to vote for? That dustball, Hillary Clinton. You can't say Bernie Sanders. He's not, he's not going to like.

Ted fucking Cruz, that sneak. No way. Rubio, the guy that, the anti-Cuban. The worst. Who are you going to vote for? Honestly, who the fucking are you going to vote for? I don't, I'm not huge into voting because of, like, the main reason is because, is because the popular vote doesn't matter with the electoral college.

But I'm not going to vote, even if I did like voting, just because I don't like anyone else, I'm not going to vote for Trump. That's just, I'd rather not vote for anybody. But if you look at everybody. See, okay, Bernie Sanders is really big right now in like the early 20s liberal. He's like the new Jesus. I like a lot of what he's saying. And those early 20 kids, they could all suck my dick. They don't know nothing about nothing.

fucking computer. They know nothing about nothing. Nothing about nothing. They think Senate Live is funny and they think Uberin is fucking funny and they just do what everybody else fucking does. That's what the fucking ultra 29 year. I wipe my ass with that fucking vote

because that votes will take our country deeper. Those are the same jerkoffs that voted Obama in. Same jerkoffs with that bullshit about change and just to show people that they're not fucking nigger haters. Let me vote for Obama. This will show my white friends. I'm not a nigger hater.

And I'm not a nigger hater. I hate to say that fucking word. I'm just saying it because that's the bottom line. That was the whole thing of fucking his vote. The inner sanctum of him's vote was getting these weak white people to go, I'm not prejudiced. Yes, you want. I'm not saying you're prejudice.

But you say, nigger from time to time, you say, look at those black suspicious men on the corner with beady eyes. That means you're racially observant. Let's just say that. You're racially observant. If you see three Mexicans acting funny on the corner, you will down 911. That means you're racially observant. It got me the other day, dude.

I'm from an all-black neighborhood, so I'm cool with everybody. But the other day, I'm walking back to my apartment from the grocery store. I live right across the street from the grocery store. Got a couple bags out of the little parking lot area of my complex. I see a black guy wearing a black hoodie. I just took note of it, right? Just took mental note. It's a mental observation.

It's a racial observation. I took mental notes. So then the next day, I wake up. up to a group text for the first time ever. And it's all my neighbors in the apartment. I don't even have them safe. So it's all these seven unlisted numbers, right? And one of the ladies goes, hey, it's, it's, you know, Casey or whatever.

Someone broke into my car last night. If anybody knows anything, let me know. And I literally go, I go, holy shit. I know this. I go, there was a, so I respond in the group text message. Even though I don't want to, I go, there was a black man and a black hoodie that I saw walk out of that area that I've never seen before. 1030. He got into a car with the chubby white chick,

silver car with a chubby white chick. That's exactly what I said because that's exactly what I saw. Because I thought it was suspicious because of the black guy in the black hoodie and how they're shoving it all down our throats. And next message in that big group text that all the neighbors are seeing is, oh, that's Tom. That's our newest neighbor. He's in this group message.

I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Like all of it. What a terrible first. impression and it's because like you know but you have to be observing if it was a white guy in a black hoodie that I've never seen before walking out of that area getting into a silver car with the chubby white chick I would have said the exact same thing the only difference word wise would have been white and black but you know and but we live in this age where it's like you know oh you can't say that he was black what are you it's like no he was black the

guy that was suspicious to me because I hadn't seen him before was black. If it was a white guy looking all methie, he would have been white. I would have been suspicious also. I would have been suspicious. It's weird how because I'm a criminal, I see body language. I judge people by body language. So I know when somebody's up to something by their body language, I could see because I know the body language.

I had the body language. So even if I see a black guy with a hoodie Which I'm supposed to react to I'm not reacting to him I'm reacting to his body fucking language And I'm eight out of ten I'm really good I can see a drug deal go down I can see a lot of things a lot of people don't see Because I was part of that I can tell when somebody's waiting for a package

I just noticed that a couple weeks ago By the Bank of America on Lancashire Oh that they hang out there I had to sit there the other day because it was a lot of people online and the phone rang. And I saw I got into the conversation. I'm going to go stand on line with the people. Let me just give it a minute.

Let me talk to this guy in the car. And while I was standing there, I saw a guy pull up and wait, standing on line, go to the ATM, and he didn't go right back to his car. He just stood there. He crossed the street. He finagued a little bit.

He walked up to the car a little bit, but it really wasn't going for his car. And I sat there, and the conversation ended, and I just wanted to test my instincts. either his girlfriend dropped him off and went to got cigarettes or refund is going to pick him back up or he's waiting for a drug deal

and sure enough what happens next two little Mexican dudes pull up in a fucking like a smaller like a acira with the rims he could have been Filipinos or Mexicans I'm not sure they pulled then

the guy got out went in this truck make believe he was playing with a basketball. They made the exchange. The basketball never left the trunk. They closed the trunk. The guy walked, and then somebody picked them up. He made a call, and somebody picked them up.

So my instincts was correct. Just seeing that guy walk from the ATM and stopping. Because I remember when I would just tell the guy, just make me at the ATM. Why fuck around? Yeah. So where does it cross the line from, just noticing or just being observant to racism or to being prejudiced.

You hear it right here. It's all in what, that's what's crazy is like it could be a white person. It doesn't, what makes it prejudice or racist, it's, there is none. It's just being observant. And like, for example, like the other day, I'm sitting in the back of the comedy store, just sitting there, I'm like next or something like that on the lineup. So I'm sitting in one of the bucket seats for a second. And I notice this guy come in, white guy, black hoodie with a white girl, with a black hoodie.

Both of them hoods up. But I'm not even really watching that, just like what you're saying. And this comes from being born and raised in Youngstown when it was by far the most dangerous. I'm from the most dangerous intersection in what was the most dangerous city at the time. But I'm from the, there's bullet holes in my house that happened when I was growing up. Could have been there. But anyway, you learn a lot from all that. I was watching the way that they walked and where their hands were in their hoodie pockets and how much

stuff was in their pockets. That's always a good giveaway of how shady somebody is. The more stuff you have in your pockets, the shadier you are. Easy, breezy. Now, anyway, and I noticed these two, and I noticed the way they're walking, and I guess something's not right with these two. You know, something's off. Next thing you know, 45 minutes later, I'm walking down from the main room or something like that,

from that back area and I walked by that girl had thrown up all over the middle of the hallway where all the headshots are, the main hallway where hundreds of people are supposed to be going through. She threw up everywhere, just everywhere. And it wasn't from alcohol,

just alcohol, or else she wouldn't have been able to walk in 45 minutes earlier. But there was something about the walk and the vibe that made me think that this chick was on pills and mixing it with alcohol. And that's how you projectile vomit like that. You know what I mean? That's what it was.

And sure enough, it was right there. Proof is in what looked like the pudding. Okay. About six years ago, I moved to Studio City. I'm banned from the store. I'm not banned. I'm not going to the store at all. So I would go do all the Mexican rooms.

I do the improvs. And at night on the way home, I'd stop at the ha-ha. And I would sit outside the ha-ha-ha-langlish. I noticed something. That's for a fucking primarily white neighborhood. There was a lot of single black chicks and two-team black chicks that I'd see walking down Lancashire. But I would see them at nine, I would see them at 10. That's one thing.

But to see black chicks walking down Lancashire at 1130, that's another. And they would walk north on the left side or whatever that was, and they'd go to Big Wings. Then they'd cross the street and walk all the way back. to the intersection it doesn't take a genius to tell you that they're fucking hookers now did i make the decision that would not that you not that i not introduce you to a white hooker at the ha ha ha you didn't have so much introduced me just like left me with a woman with bandages on her head and i find out an hour and a half later that she's a hooker okay introduce you left him with them and i talked to you rip those bandages off way downly

This was right when we met. She hit him up for like 50. This is right when we met. He wouldn't go for it. And it freaked me out. I wouldn't go for it. You're wearing bandages. Let's see 20.

Let's do 20. Somebody beat you up already. You know what I'm saying? If I was going to beat you up, I go for the big 50, but somebody smacked the shit out of year. We were just sitting there talking. I thought he was just like a sad person who wanted to talk. She came over, started sitting there talking. I didn't know.

I go, you want to go on and watch the, we went in. Lee and her were hitting it off. I'm married. They go, Lee. Go across the street and have a drink. What kind of bandages? Mommy or something? No, I think she maybe had something like one around her head or so.

I don't even remember to be fucking honest. This was like five years ago. This was when we first met, like the second and third weekend. Just let him know we were fucking crazy. He calls me next day, man, man. You're not going to believe it. That girl wanted $60 and shit. I'm like, did you give it to him?

I don't know. Lee was petrified. You left Lee with a hooker that had a whole bandage around her head. I mean, a hooker is one thing. That's no problem. But that's why I had no idea what she was talking about She kept saying I'm gonna take you to hotel

Make you feel like the sexiest man I'm like what are you talking about Make me feel like the sexiest man With a bandage on your fucking head How am I gonna feel sexy She started off by saying like Let's go watch a movie And I was like

At your house And I didn't want to bring this This woman with a bandage to my house So I said I don't live near here She said let's get a hotel And I was broke I didn't have money for a hotel You sent us to Skinnies

The only time I've been to Skins I had half a beer and we started dancing and she's like, do we have a deal? Like, what are you talking about a deal? I'm, this is brand new from Boston and she's like, well, this isn't free or something and I left.

I had to go back the next dad and the sign of my slip, my tab, my credit card slip because I just, I booked. She, I've never experienced it. I'm like that. Did you know? You probably knew.

You dined and ditched to get away from this bandage? She scared the shit out of them, though. By the way, the funniest line I've heard in months from any human being is I couldn't bring this lady with a bandage back to my place. You see that I live with? It's amazing. Hilarious.

He was in there sweating bullets. His face was red. I'm back home. I'm back at home. Giggling my ass, because I know nothing good is going to come from this. I left him with a hooker with a bandage on the head. This is how you're toughing him up.

And he got out of it. Hold on. I got to go to the bathroom and think about it. He fucking booked home. He went back the next day to the bar. Oh, my God. Did you explain yourself when you went there? My buddy left me with a hooker with a bandage.

They're like, oh, with a bandage? Well, it's all good. I all remember is that I called. I was like, I don't think I signed my slip last night. I don't think I told him what happened. It said skinny. He's right on Lager's him. It was, and I should have, as we were walking,

she grabbed my hand so fucking hard. She looked like she was in pain or something. I think she got, like, just got hit by a car. I don't know. But, and this isn't the only time this happens. He gets hit up by crazy ladies at the steak place. There's another chick at 7-Eleven. And you love it.

And I think that might be what it is for you, Joey. Most people run away from crazy people like that. And you invite them in for Thanksgiving dinner just because you know it's going to be funny. Listen, ever since I was a kid, you've got to play the handout. Yeah. I love to see where things are going. life. There's some people who approach me so dumb, because I tell them, no, it's okay, man. Thank you, I really have something going on. Thank you very much for thinking of me. I'm

very polite. But there's some people that you give them a chance to tell you their story, and you sit there and go, this is not happening or whatever. I've told this story a thousand times on here about the hooker from 7-Eleven. How hot is she late? She's pretty hot. I mean, she's hot. She's a hot, black, African-American girl, told me she was from Jersey. And, you know, I met her at the ha-ha. And then I saw it 7-Eleven, so I thought she was legit. When you see somebody in a comedy club, you're like, ah, you know, how bad can they be? But the night I saw, I saw it with like a weird girl.

And I knew. And she said to me, can you do me a favor and give me a number? Because I really want to try this. And I really would want some help. Her approach to me was pretty simple. And I'm a guy and I'm like, you know what? I give away my number five times to a young comic. Nobody's going to call me.

They're going to call me one time and ask me for something stupid and they won't call again. I didn't know if this girl really wanted hell. I didn't know. I'd seen her at the ha. All right, here's my number. You want to talk to me about something. Bro, then it started.

And she would call and I go, what do you want? Well, I want to see, you know, if you want to come watch me. Whatever the fuck she was talking about. I didn't know what she was talking about. And finally, I go, what are you talking about? He's like, wow, you know, I like to get together with you. She asked me for like $200. And I'm like, $200, okay, now what?

I don't get it because that's how they come on first with a loan. It's like if a girl comes up to you at the store tonight, you buy, you walk around the corner with it to, what's the sandwich place? Pinks? Yeah. And you smoke a joint. You go home. And all of a sudden she goes, I really want to do comments. Can I have your number, Tony?

You're like, what the fuck? You already told you you had a girlfriend, the whole thing. And all of a sudden she calls you two days later and go, Tony, I need $400. Can you help me? And you're like, I don't know you, but what do you want the $400 for? And they hit you with something. And you're like, okay. And now I'm curious, because I'm curious how they're going to pay you back.

That's what you got to ask. So I'll give you the $4,000, but how am I going to pay you back? And she started with the you knows. No, I don't know. I don't know. You're telling me you're a DJ. I don't know. You're telling me you're a DJ.

You can't make money. So how are you going to pay me back this far? Now the whole time, guys, I can't. I can't hook and put this chick. Right. I would love to eat her ass and spank her. This was recent? This is a year ago, right?

Lee, not even. Not even this year. No, it was 2015. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was 2015. So I see her again. And now one night she calls me, like a one in the morning. I really need the money.

I'll fucking suck your dick. And now I'm like, okay, I'm curious. You know where the world gym is? on the corner of that, Lancashire, right there. Yeah, I'll meet you there. And I left her there for like four hours. She's texting me, where are you? I'm out here, it's cold.

People are approaching me, you know. I wanted to see where the hand played out. I had a funny feeling. I got a call seven years ago. I'd known this girl for years around the comedy scene. For years. And one night on a Sunday night, I got a call from her. She's like, Uncle Jerry, I need to talk to you.

I booked this role, you know, but they don't let me. me pay for SAG, hilarious. Now I know the girl's a half a whore. Not because of my experiences with her, but I've heard rumblings, but I didn't know she wanted money for sex. This is completely different. And I got to tell you something, the girl was beautiful. Huh.

Beautiful. And she calls me up and she goes, I need $2,500 to join SAG. And I'm like, let me ask you something. So you're doing a $6.00 roll for $20. I go, SAG's got a financing program now. And she's telling me how SAG doesn't have it. I'm like, I fucking just was down there for something else. And this, 10 years ago, it used to be a great hot dog stand in front of SAG.

It was a hot blonde chick who sold Sabret Hot Dogs from Jersey. And she made the chili and she did everything. So I'd go to SAG. Every time I was down there and I'd go inside and look at the board and they had it. Financing available. When I became SAG, there was no fucking financing available. But now there is. So I'm just interested.

So I go, listen, let me ask you something. So how are you going to pay me this $2,500 back? She goes, I'll give you a six from the check. which is not going to happen because you're only getting three after commissions and taxes. And I'm just playing along, man. How are you going to pay me the money? And she starts with, well, maybe we could work something out. What are you thinking?

And she goes, well, maybe we could have sex. I swear to God, this is happening to me telling him. Wow. My wife is in the other fucking room, and I'm sitting here going. I know a guy who dated you for three years. Who you almost married? I'm not saying this to her. I'm just saying this to my head.

Now, between you and me and Lee, I had maybe a hundred miles in the bank. There was no way I even had the money. I'm just playing the hand. I'm just wanting to see how fucking crazy people get in this town that she's offering a fat 40 fucking two-year-old, three-year-old guy. This had to be,

this had to be seven years ago. So I'm 45 years old. She's got to be 25. Just a body that don't fucking quit. And I finally go, listen, let me think about this, calling me back in an hour. I want you to think about these words. So what you're

telling me is if I give you the money, I'm going on there, fuck you and suck. And she goes, well, I really don't like sucking dick. I go, for 25 100, you're going to have to suck some dick. I mean, you know me, I established the rule. There was nothing going to happen. I forget all about Ralphie May's picking me up. So,

bling, the phone rings with Joey, I'm downstairs. Like, oh shit, I go downstairs. I get in the car Ralphie were driving and who calls me back, but she does. And she goes, so what are we going to do? Is this gonna go down tonight and I go well I go listen man you know I'm a fucking freak I go I want to

fuck you and suck your ass but I really I want to light your ass hold on fire yeah here I go can I call you back I swear to God she goes can I call you back I'll hurry up I'm gonna make a reservation's full of four seasons right now

but I'm gonna light your asshole on fire and I swear to God she went from and happy and peppy. She got scared. Can I call you back? She got scared. And about 10 minutes later, she goes, listen, I'm sorry. I'm not going to go through with it.

I got my uncle who lent me the money. I fucking died. Wow. She fucked her uncle for the money. No, I don't know if she fucked her uncle. But it was hysterical then. And I felt bad. I really felt sad for her.

I didn't because if I was a girl and I had a hot body, one shot deal, $2,500, I'd fuck 10 guys. I'd fuck 15, you know. I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know. I don't whatever, but what are you going to do? You know, I like to play the handout. I've always loved to play the handout even if I'm not going to go through with it just to see who cracks first. Especially as comedians where everything you say is like based on experiences or in the, for the most part, stories or things that make you think of something. So it wouldn't make sense to shut yourself off from it. When you meet like that night, I would have played that handout. Oh, I would have told Let's go to, you know, suck my dick one time

And I go to the ATM machine Something I would have fingered or something I would have took the bandage off And handcuffed her with it or hit her with it I would have stolen her fucking antibiotic cream Something, you follow me? I just went to the left But you haven't seen this movie yet

I would have fucking played with you for a little We would have played with a little bit Telling me this at the hotel room Go there without us Stop and get Vaseline We're going to light your asshole on fire How much you want. 60.

We'll give you $3,000. And just play with him a little bit. Lee, did you talk, would you talk to this lady about for an hour and a half a year? It wasn't an hour and a half. I feel like it was like maybe half an hour. But then we were just talking. I don't even know.

I don't even know. I think she was, what I think it was, it was more of like I was, like I've always been a very quiet person. And I think she was just talking at us. Like Joey and I were talking about, when we first started hanging out, We were just hanging out at the ha-ha.

We didn't do any work or anything. And I think she just came over and sat down and was talking, like, nonsense about her, what happened to her head or my night is so hard. Just like, you know how crazy people get? They just started talking at you. Yeah. And I was, I had just moved here. And I don't think I'd fucked anybody in, like, at least six months. And I was probably just too, like, focused on that.

God, that was crazy. Yeah, bandages are like a funny thing. Like, looking back on it now, it's like, what the fuck? fuck was I thinking even getting like Joey said get a drink so I get a drink with a chick with with a bandage on her head. Yeah I won't talk to people with bandages even if it's one of my best pals I mean you you're you're hanging out in public with a head bandage I'm sorry. I was on a phone one time in a subway I'm like fucking Harlem and I had my back to the train and the chick tapped me on the shoulder and I was on the phone I'm like she's like hello hello I'm on the

phone with Josh wolf and I go hold on one second I just turned and this chick was beautiful but somebody had punched her right in the fucking eye that even the middle was red like it was like a white head with blood in it oh that's what her eye look like and i'm like can i help you and i'll never forget that she goes for five hours and a lot i'll suck your dick and even the guy on the phone josh wolf heard it and i go did you hear that and he goes yes i did what is that i go let me call you back And I like, what is wrong with you? And she goes, well, five dollars and a light, I'll suck your dick so fucking good. And I just started fucking with her. Like, that's, I'm a comic. Yeah. So what happened to your eye?

Right. Oh, I fell. So what do you want to five dollars for? I need to eat something. She was white and cute. And she's talking like a black chick, like, I need to eat something. And I'm like, okay, but what are you going to do? What's the lighter for?

I know you do drugs? Never. I mean, this went on for 40 minutes. I missed three or four trains. What fuck up was I didn't have a cell phone or a video? I would have said, I'm going to give you $5 an other $20 at the end. Let me tape this conversation. Yeah.

I would have had a million views on there. She went from, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're going to let me suck your dick or not for $5. I'm like, I don't know. You got a black eye. Well, let me ask you a question. If a chick came up to you wanted to suck your dick with a black eye, there's got to be some property value damage.

It's damage to the eye. Oh, yeah. So let me make you an offer. How about $2 on the book of matches? I just kept fucking with it. And she's like, fuck you, you fat motherfucker. You probably can't get it up anyway. And she kept fighting me back.

And finally she walked 50 steps. And she came back and she goes, $3. Like she was, fuck. My God. You can't write this. But it wouldn't have happened if I didn't play the hand. If I was a regular schmuck and said, no, no, no. I'm not interested.

Go away. She would have ran away and said, fuck you. But I had to play the hand. hand that's how low she got herself like she's like okay okay the last deal she's like three dollars and I'll suck your dick and that's it that's my bottom line and I'm like admit to me that you smoke crack and she's like fuck you okay okay I smoke crack I go how many times a week just once my no tell me the truth she's like okay I've smoked it twice nobody gets a fucking black eye if they don't smoke fucking crack and then she just broke

that. And I just peeled off like a 10. Let me tell you something. She took that 10. She didn't even go off for sunlight. She ran back into the train. Like when they live in the train, she just ran back in there. And I'm going to be honest with both people here and all podcast listeners. This girl was so hot. I would have fucked her. With the black guy, with two black guys without the black guy. I know I'm scared that I'd get in a half of his. So I wouldn't have fucked them. But my point being that I had to play the handout with it. I would have, guys. I would have taught. This girl didn't have a black eye. I could have brought her around. Nobody would have known she was a crack hole. Her teeth was still intact. She was in the beginning of her crack deterioration. She just called a black eye just in an argument or a me or something happen over a crack pipe or something like that.

But, you know, you got to play the hand out, guys. If you see a victim and they want to play it, the comedy stores filled with victims. Well, that's what, when I first moved to L.A. nine years ago, one of the things that I'm so with you on this. because one of the things that I started doing was, is I started talking back to homeless people. I found it to be interesting. Interesting as well. It's so interesting to me because where I'm from in Youngstown, Ohio,

since it's just the hood, there's not homeless people. I mean, there is. You'll see a little one here and there, but they're not lively. They're not, like, acting. They're not trying to get money. They don't have efforts and things like that. And I just was, like, so enthralled by these people.

Like, I mean, just, I was amazed. I wanted to make a documentary about him at one point. Like, when I first got here, it was just, I was obsessed. Pretty interesting. And I would talk to these people. I love it. I loved it. I learned in New York, but in Boulder, I had some Vietnam vet friends that I met that were homeless.

I talked to him all the time. I talked to him for 10, 15 minutes, maybe 20, throw him a buck. And then that's it. There's a black guy by my house that won't take my money. Wow. I haven't seen him. I haven't seen him in about a week. He won't take my money.

He won't take meals. Like if I, me and my wife went to the Chinese place I saw him, won't take the me. I went back on the aisle and he was still on the floor. He won't take handouts. He's that proud. He was like a professor who he lost his wife. And it's very fucking interesting. Very, and let me get some shoutouts.

We'll get the fuck out of here. What's up, brother? Fucking that fuck. I don't know. I want to let you do your shout out. It's interesting how we were talking about like prejudice and stuff. I feel like that, even more than like race. Like homeless people probably get the worst.

Like when you grow up in a city, you, Like your automatic responses, no. Like, because in like Boston or New York, if you give them an inch, they'll stay, they'll be with you for 20 minutes. That shit is 60% of it has mental health. Right. Yeah. It's mental health. Look at these people.

It's not that they're homeless because they want to be. I tell you what, 20% of them, if you really talk to people, they're homeless because they wanted to check out. They got sick and tired of the responsibility. They got sick and tired of a lot of things. And I could see it. I'm 52. You guys are still young. There'll be days pretty soon that you'll go, you know what?

If I lived under a bridge, I could eat free food at the church. They'll let me take showers. They give me a blanket. How cold does it get here at night? You can live outside with a tent here somewhere. I mean, I'm not, you know, we had somebody here a month ago. I said she was thinking of a living home. Did so many, so many comedians do it.

I mean, there was a month in 2008, 2009. where I was in between places and didn't want to crash on the couch that I was on anymore. And I crashed in the backseat of my car right behind the comedy store. I'd work a shift there. I'd go to pick up my car at the hill because back then the employees at the park up on the hill. Still, I got a part. I'd give them rides all the time. Yeah.

So I'd go get my 2.30 a.m. everybody, 3 a.m. everybody's done. Maybe we already went to a diner or whatever, 4 a.m. I'd go get my car. I'd pull it into the little alleyway behind the comedy store. Go in the back seat. I sleep curled up into a fetal position anyway, even if I'm in a king-sized bet. So, fuck it.

If I'm not in my back seat, crash, sun comes up, 7.30, 8 a.m., wakes you right up. I'd go right into the, by then, the comedy store cleaning crew is there. I'd go in, take a shower. I was the only person, it was amazing. Take a shower. I'd go to the trunk of my car, had all my clothes clean, folded, organized, fucking perfectly folded, chiseled. Like, I live better than most people do at their homes, I feel like. You know what I mean?

And it's like, you know, you can, you can do some crazy shit. What's happening now is these people get these 24-hour gym memberships. You can crash in your car. You wake up the next day. I told you. You walk right into the gym. Take a shower. Get a workout in.

And you're in. In Seattle, I lived in an office for 125. No bathroom. I had to shit out the window and piss out the window. You have no idea. But the gym was around the corner. You shit out the window? Put my ass right out the fucking window.

That's why these women have bandages on their heads. I come by then. I wipe my ass throw the paper out the window. Hopefully it will land on the shit perpendicular. And I'd walk over to the gym, work out, take a shower. I'd go back at eight box, take a shower and go do comedy. I used to live in both. That shower at the comedy store, that's a good shower in the main room.

Oh, my God. The water pressure is insane. Out of control. I'd go back there, whack. off, take a shit, shave, and have my towels. I took two showers a night at the comedy store. You think I'm fucking, that's how I know

that this was a big dream for you. Because that's the dream tester. When you do things that you would never ever fucking do. I lived on Sunset and Gardner in that car for months. For months, I lived in that car. And people are like, wow, I can't.

I never had a doubt of leaving. Right. Never. Ever. ever. It was even more. It was even better. I remember fucking going because I would never sleep at the store because people always come back there. Me neither the same thing. In fact, in fact, the whole time that I was sleeping in that car, there was somebody that was sleeping inside the store. And I wouldn't do that. I had that separation.

No, no, no, no. I would go to Sunset and Gardner by Josh Wolf's house or Ralphie Mayshouse. I'd sleep if I didn't want to bother them. If I had like an early audition, I'd shoot to the comedy store, the cleaning crew, take a shower. And guys, it was like another day to me. That's how big my dream was. It was just another day. It was part of what I had to do.

And that's how you know the dreams big, because now, you know what I mean? Like, it's like I got a fucking electric blanket. I got this queen-sized temper p-edic. I got salt scrub face wash and my shower. And I got a bath in my bed. But if I tell you something, guys, I not only when my two feet hit the ground, And I only thank God or whatever, forgive me another day. But every night I put my sleep apnea mask on, I turn the fan on, and that room is freezing.

I look for my wife, she's somewhere under those blankets. I got the air down to 60. I got the fucking ceiling fan going. I got the air fan going. And I tell you, whenever I cuddle, and I put that blanket on, I get cold that night, I give God thanks that I'm not in the fucking car anymore. And for one minute, I always put myself there. For one minute, every night I go, I always put myself.

You know what the library is? By North Hollywood Park, where we used to go for the trucks, the homeless people sleep behind their little cubicles on the store. I always put myself there for being how lucky I am that I have a bed that I could be. And for two minutes, I imagined myself at North Hollywood Park. And I go, wow, this is how real this is. This is why sometimes people go, Well, Joey, sometimes you talk about the old shit.

I keep my prison days in line. I keep sleeping in my car very close to me. I keep that closer to me than anything that I've considered success. I keep that close to me like a badge of honor because I know how fast everything could change. I know the slip up. You know, everybody's talking about O'Coppo. That was a slip up on O'Coppo side. Ten years ago, O'Coppo would never done that.

But he got Netflix. He saw Narcos. Now he's going to see your special on fucking Friday And he might be a way You know what I'm saying? Yeah Ten years ago He never thought like that

But somewhere You know Even if he wasn't doing drugs And your drug-demented fucking mind He let a little window open I always try to keep that window shut That's why I put myself there I always take myself to the darkest time

On my life every day for one minute I love that To think about How fucking lucky I am How fucking But I basically Basically do it at night like how lucky I am that a rat's not running by me or how lucky am I that I'm not opening up my eyes and seeing a possum Three feet from me walking or a raccoon, you know, and it happens guys. It's happened

Looking down and seeing a water bug next to you where you're like I can't sleep and fucking sitting on a wall with You're fucking you're falling asleep every fucking ten minutes That's what makes me get up in the morning. How long do you think that would have lasted? Like you wouldn't still be living in your car now You would have given up by now 19 years. I fucking hope not. But that situation lasted for me from 97 to 2000. I had a

three-year situation where I wasn't homeless, but I also didn't have a roof. I slept on Josh Wolf's couch. I slept on Ralphie's floor. I slept in the car. But it was always the fucking dream that kept me here. I could not imagine. Listen, my mother instill something

to me. You don't come home here. Listen, I don't give a fuck. You don't come back to this I was hit. And when I left Boulder, there was no way I was going back hit. I wasn't going back hit. I was getting something out of here. Something was going back with me. An arm, a leg, somebody's fucking ear. But I was not leaving this place without proving my point to an extent. I didn't want to be, what's that movie with Jennifer Aniston and the fucking, the guy, the creepy guy I don't like that she was like a gypsy chick and he was like a fucking writer. Oh, are you

thinking of Yeah. Al-Wan Campa Pauli? Yes, and that the actor in that movie that is... No, but what's the guy

that was in that movie that died from heroin? Seymohoffman. Seymour Hoffman plays a guy that a lot of... You don't like him? No, look at the guy he plays. He plays a guy

that's like a comic that will live the rest of his life off one success and we'll talk about it for the rest of his fucking life. Right. Why didn't want to be one of those guys? I wasn't going to go back and say,

you know, I was in Spider-Man 2 in 2003. When we worked on Spider-Man 2, And they're like, well, that's all you did? Yeah, that's all I did. I didn't need it to do. And I could prove my point. No, for me, it wasn't that.

I wanted to prove my fucking point to my family. I wanted to prove my point to my ex-cunt wife. I wanted to prove my point to my daughter who mattered in those days. But most importantly, I wanted to prove my point to myself. That I wasn't leaving here here. I wasn't just going to leave him and become a comic. To survive in L.A., you have to be gay. You have to kiss ass.

You have to be a fucking faggot. No. No. you don't you have balls it's the opposite to survive in fucking L.A. When you go on the road and you work shitty B-rooms you work with those comics I used to live in L.A. It's a fucking faggots paradise

you need to be a sucker as no you just weren't good enough or you thought you were too good enough wow and that's tremendous fart that's some Chinese garlic anyway let's give some shoutouts here happy birthday to my main man I think you just gave a shout out oh shit my main man

Bobby Sharon I love you at all my heart. They sent me some tour shirts. You got to see these fucking things. He loves you all this fart. I love him with all my heart. That was amazing, Joe. Oh, you know how I do it.

Is that happened regular way? Regularly. And he blamed it on me last morning. See, I don't ever get to hear parts. I got this little frame. I don't ever have like real man farts like that. That was a tremendous fun. Paranormal.

I love you. Dallas Courts. I love you. Cameron Barr. Ricardo Calderone. Joe O'Dell. Dets Squad, Nashville. I'll say, that squad, Charlotte, I'll see you motherfuckers in a few weeks.

Tracy L, thank you for the gifts, and David Christensen. I love you, cocksucker. That was a very good for it. What did you have for lunch? Garlic chicken with some steamed rice and vegetables. Oh, yeah, that's going to be good one. That garlic reaches into intestines. Oh, yeah.

And I had oatmeal for breakfast, which is already cleaning. The oatmeal is really the work. That's the work of art, then. that goes deep, deep, deep into your intestinal tract. You don't have good farts? He's a skinny, scathing guys don't get good farts? He just started eating again. You're still back enough?

Yeah, yeah, I'm back big time. No more vegan, that's it. Chicken for lunch, steak for dinner. It's amazing. I'm having fun with it. Fuck yeah. I'm excited about things. You have to be.

Yeah. You have to be, man. Part of doing this is the enthusiasm. Listen, part of anything is enthusiasm. If I come to you, Nothing is happening in my life. Look at you. You're a fucking dreg.

You're a fucking dreg. You might as well shoot yourself. You're enthusiastic. And, you know, you have heart and you have a fucking dream. Fucking, the sky's the limit. Whether you're a plumber, a lawyer, a dentist, you fucking work at Burger King. If you work a subway, and that's your option, you could be the best subway guy there is. You know, you could turn out to be just like fucking Jared.

Banking 14-year-olds and eating turkey sandwiches and no protein in any shit. coming that little weak fucking child molester sperm that they get that that child molester sperm has to be just like nothing it's like scramble fucking brains they got no heart i thought i thought it was going to be the total opposite like even more because they're so turned on it comes out like all like colorful disgusting disgusting disgusting so tell me about this special when is it's out in uh it's out tonight 3 a.m. East Coast, 12 a.m. midnight. Tonight on a Pacific time, it's tomorrow the 15th of January, where we go live on Netflix. It's uploaded at midnight. And what are you doing tomorrow? You're going to watch it at the store with some people. I'm actually going to Atlanta with Joe Rogan tomorrow.

We're doing a theater. So, uh, you're not celebrating. Yeah. So tomorrow night's Atlanta, Saturday's Tampa, and Sunday, you're going to watch the fight. Yeah. And I'm at Caroline's February 5th and 6, which is big. Anybody in New York, please come because that's a huge venue that I'm trying to fill up. It's crazy. But that's the first time I'm headlining New York City, man, which is like insane to me. It's insane to me. When you're an L.A. built guy, you know, all the

way, and you wonder sometimes being from Youngstown, Ohio, was New York, but here I am, and, you know, it's a cool path that I feel like I'm on, and I'm so excited about these shows at Caroline. And where were you last week? Last week, I was in New York and Boston, yeah. Okay, you were at Lasston?

I wasn't even actually. I was just helping. It's like a top secret project for Comedy Central. It's beautiful. See, you're always making it happen. Yeah. I'm excited. How about you, fuck, stick?

What are you got going on this week? And you bring me up on my special, though, so that's important for your listeners to know that you can see. That's why I had John today. I knew you were on the kid and I knew you were on Joe. And usually I won't, I'll stagger you. I really want your special to do well. I'm very proud of you. You're a product of the store.

Thank you, Jerry. I never think of it as Tommy and that like that. I think of you're a product of the store. Those four walls have a magical effect on individuals who have a dream. And people who listen to the podcast are at home going, you know, if I talk to fucking, if I listen to Joe Broken, I'll listen to you or Ari, I always hear the fucking store because it runs through our veins. You know, a couple weeks ago I got into an altercation and I want people to understand me. I'm not a part of the mafia. I was never a boy scott.

You see tattoos on me? You see any tattoos on me? You see any earrings? You see tight pants? Am I a hipster? I've never been a part of no organization. I'm only a part of one organization, and that's the comedy store.

If I ever get a tattoo before Mercy and Jackie and my fucking wife and a Jew star, whatever I'm going to put, the comedy store tattoo goes with me into the grave. Lee, when I die, take the comedy store shirt, rip it. Don't say it on nobody. Put it crossing it, wrap it up, and put it on my feet. I'm taking the comedy store with me because that's who made me and that's who I was.

I will kill you at the comedy store I will live and die I don't live and die for anything I don't give a fuck about the Catholics I give a fuck about the Jews because they're my brothers but the comedy store comedies would save my life

and it's uh I have the utmost fucking respect for comedy utmost utmost respect for comedy people who do it in any other single way you know it's the people who put it down and the people have no distance nothing bothers me when somebody calls

somebody who's not a stand-up a stand-up. They're a comedic actor. There's a director who says cut and action and they run it through editing. What you and I do at the comedy store on a nightly, it takes something else. I never pat myself on the back for anything. I am very happy that God put stand-up in my path. And I don't care about specials. I care that. I survived. And I grew with it. But what really is going to help you in the future and any other young comic, and I've talked about it here on the show before, how important it is that I interact with young comics. It's what makes me a better comic,

watching you guys, supporting you guys in my head, letting you know I'm in your corner. Because when I was at the store, and I was you, those motherfuckers were cunts, Jack. Those older dudes were cunts. And I made a point, if I ever get to that level, I will always give these guys respect that they deserve. And it's, you know, when I first got to the store in 2007,

it was the exact same way. there was a lot of older door guys that were just have done nothing and are just angry and angry and that and what's crazy is that on the contrary now things are sort of starting to pop for me and my whole podcast and sort of like how all the young comics look at me is the story is like wow that's tony hinchcliff who gives us the chance to go on stage for 60 seconds and get you know what's cool about kill tony isn't that like they're being judged it's not like that It's that they get to talk to and hear anything back from. Imagine when you were starting, if Dom Iera's sitting there and making fun of you, you'd love it.

Or if he's giving you advice or what to do to a joke. And like, these comics are so grateful for Kill Tony. So on the opposite end, not only am I not hating, not only am I, you know what I mean, trying to push anybody back. I'm giving him a little. Are you going to Kill Tony Monday night? Yes. Yes. What's the date?

It's fine. We almost forgot to announce it. But yes, this Monday. 17th and 8 o'clock that will be different. What's cool about that is I'm having a small, small, small little get together for my special right after that show. So it's like a little tiny little. Are you going to have food? Yeah, I think we'll figure something.

Sure. You got some food there. They'll definitely be food there. We won't come if there's no food. If we can't come, I can't shut. We'll get some pizzas and some. No, no, no. We'll wrap some ladies' heads and bandages.

You got to get them a little pastrami. He's Jewish. Don't offend them. Okay. You're going to have Jews there from CIA. Yeah, you're right. I don't want to eat no fucking Domino's pizza. You're right.

Get yourself a nice little pastrami. let the Jews know you got that back you understand me i love that so you're on kill tony you're the one everybody's wanted forever monday the 17th i'm a kill tony and tuesday the 18th i'm doing ari's uh show about crime so i'm not disposed disclosed one of my many criminal endeavors that i haven't spoken about i want to give a shout out to on it as usual they're my number one i love them to death I live and die by on it, whether it's the alpha brain or the hemp force protein. I love the chocolate. Listen, I could sit here for three hours and get the web page and dictate it to you.

You don't need that. You need to go to the web page and see what works for you and how honor is going to work for you. Whether it's the Shroom Tech or the T booster, they have everything they got you covered. You travel, the Shroom Tech sport. Listen, you're going to get sick. But I'd rather get sick once a year than six times a year or the amount of flying that we do. We will have a bug and we have to catch it. So listen, go with the Shroom Tech sport.

If you want more energy to work out, more lung power. That's why my heart was beaten out of proportion last week because I dropped the fucking Shroom Tech. But I love you guys. We'll be back Sunday night. Again, Netflix, tomorrow night. My main man, Tony Hinchcliff. One shot.

One motherfucker fucking shot. One more shot. Because I love you. There's no place left to go. Anyway, I love you, Coxsuckers. The Savage Dad Tour starts January 20. 28th in Charlotte and the following week at St. Louis and Helium. Tickets are on sale on my website.

And that's basically, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black. And I hope you got something out of this podcast. Hold on one second. I got to play something for you guys real quick. So nobody gets upset or their feelings hurt. Because you know, I love you, motherfucker, as always. I love you.

Stay black. Have a great weekend. La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La Laugh is in the Vap. Go to Onnet.com and use Code Word Church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alphabet and New Mood. Also, this show is brought to you by Hit E6.com, better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape. Go to hit E6.com right now and use code word Joey's Church to get five hit E6.com. $56.50.