The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #348 - Brian Redban and George Perez

Episode Date: January 18, 2016

  Brian Redban, Comedian and head of Deathsquad , and George Perez, Comedian and Actor  joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Music:   Imagination - Just and Illusion I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Rock Lobster - B 52's  

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like AlfaBrain and New Mood. Oh shit.

Crank that fucking mule. up Lee, it's Sunday night, motherfuckers. I know you got the UFC. I know you got your Bible. But this is the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Crank that leak. Oh, shit. Who's that?

Tony Hinskid. Oh, shit. That's like Sarah McCann. Wait till sidewalk gets him. It ain't going to be that type of fucking picture. I can't see it. It's chilling. What?

The church of what's happening now? you'll get this Monday morning January 18th Talksuckers The month is half over Frank that lead I want to hear this loud I want you to be a fucking DJ

This is Studio 54 82 hit it lead Oh shit If you watch the movie FX This is the closing scene When they're driving off with the fucking gazillions and shit Over the cliff in Switzerland

that I'll never have to Go back Oh shit Oh shit What's happening Red Band? How you doing? George Perez in the house What's up?

Sunday night roundabout Lee Syatt, you bad motherfucker. Hey, everybody. What's the guy that killed Tupac? He's got his shirt on today. I thought my other shirt was a Shug Night shirt. That's a Shug Night shirt tonight. Lee's back and shit.

I never left. What's going on, gentlemen? Trying to get over this horrible hangover that I've had I don't eat as much because I'm on this diet. So last night I went deep and drank. What time did you hit the crib last night? I got home around 3.30.

What times do you fall asleep? Four, something like that. That's not too bad. It's not too bad. No, no. But four. That was early for Uncle Joey and shit. Yeah, but I drank like I still had pizza in me or something that would you normally soak up my alcohol. So I woke up a shaky today.

When I seen you at the store, were you already on your way? Were you guys on your way? Yeah, I was, I was already. I was already taking shots and just drinking a little bit, having fun. Damn. You know. Did you ever go deep like that? You never were a huge drinker, were you?

Like, did you go deep? It's nice. The only way to kill that eight ball is with some fucking Remmy Martin, Jack. You know, whether you like it or not, you're drinking remi, you're drinking scotch, you're drinking fucking vodka with no mixes. You know, you go to people's house at three in the morning. They don't have, not everybody has a full bar. They'll say, well, you've got a half a bottle of doers. black and milk.

And there you are. Like, Jesus fucking Christ. Looks like I'm doing. How many ice cubes you got? We only got one tray. Damn. And you just drink. I loved it.

I fucking loved it because I can handle it. Like the Coke would burn right through the fucking beer. Like beer? Beer was nothing to me. Budweiser in a can. Bring them soldiers on, dog. Put them in the freezer. I could talk shit and do bumps all fucking night with Budweiser.

Would you drink sober, like with no coke or no? No, there's no reason to drink. I hate it. There's no reason to hop a day. For me, I couldn't see it. I could not see how people sat in the bar in the daytime without blow. Like, I'm like, why are you in there? Now, if I'm doing a couple bumps, then fuck it.

I'm in there in the daytime with you, but it's very rare. I didn't like how I felt at nine. To do Coke at four means that there's an endless stream. It's, it's, you're good till midnight right now. What do you got? You got a half ounce? I got a half. I got an eighth.

You got an eighth. Yeah. We'll make it till midnight. Midnight, we're going to have a fucking problem. Yeah, to me, cigarettes is a must, too. You have to have cigarettes. If you don't got cigarettes, you're just going to be stressed out, looking for stuff on the floor. That's how I quit smoking cigarettes the first time.

I went home with, like, an eight ball with no cigarettes. Because once I had it gramming me, I'm not going out of the house. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't leave with the paranoia. You're not going to leave. No, no. So after I went through that one night in my head, I go, if I could stay with an eight ball without doing cigarettes all night, shit I could do anything without cigarettes

that's why I quit the first time just no coke with no fucking cigarettes Wow what do what do cigarettes do for you Like okay I'm coming at this from a point of like I'm now a weed guy That's why I don't like drinking because it just this is so much better to me But what is it like what is cigarettes do all three of your cigarettes Let's say you take a fucking good cigarette let's say you you smoke this meal this fucking not this weed But the weed I came the gorilla glue number four

Okay You roll that shit up for breakfast right? You get a cup of coffee. Okay. You put that coffee down. Let me tell you something. You hit two drinks of that coffee and you spark up that first cigarette.

How good is it, John? It's insane. It's like a fucking blowjob. Then after a half a cup of coffee, you hit the joint. And then after the joint, that cigarette, as you put that cigarette to your lips and that fucking lighter goes up. And you take that first puff, that's fucking heaven. that was the hardest thing about quitting cigarettes was I couldn't light up a cigarette after a good fucking joint

after a good steak Is it like calm? Like I've never smoked cigars but that's it And listen man for years when I moved out of it I used to watch people who smoked and go That is the coolest fucking thing I just can never do it Some people are assholes smoking

But some motherfuckers when they smoke you like god damn jack Yeah to me it's definitely a calm thing But I don't know if it's just my body wanting that nicotine or if it actually relaxes you. I think it's more of just like feed an addiction kind of like calm. How much nicotine and a cigarette? I don't know. I don't know.

You know, it was weird though. I quit smoking when I went to prison because you couldn't get them in the county. In the county, you can't get them. You have no choice. The first 10 months, I was like, what the hell? And then once you go to the way of your destination, you're like, I already quit for 10 months. Why the fuck am I going to smoke? What am I going to start for again?

Yeah, the coffee thing's the worst. I have to have a cigarette. Oh, that's the whole fucking thing. That's the whole fucking thing. This morning I went to put the coffee in, and my wife got to put the water in. Sometimes I go in there and take a shit and take a shower real quick.

Probably came out, that house would have been fucking smoking because your thing blows up. The bottle gets so hot, it just blows up. I was pissed. I was trying to... I couldn't imagine waking up and not having fucking coffee with my joint in the morning. that to me outside in the balcony you hit that pipe one time at 615 you're brand new dog yeah it balances out the caffeine the caffeine's a little smoother now these are all different things you learn with age just like a little things like yesterday my wife made cream corn listen i love mother fine i'm sorry but then you and i went to vaga and went to strip steak remember they have cream corn and little pieces of jalapeno in it that takes cream corn to a complete different level that's get there right that's what's called the

Spanish? Yeah. Yeah. What? Oh, it's fucking good. Cream corn with jalapeno. It doesn't have to be creamed. I've had it with just regular corn and fucking, I had it with Seranos. It was fucking. Oh, it's delicious. Corn with some spice to it is fucking delicious. Last night, my wife made cream corn.

It was fucking tremendous. I don't even know why I got in this conversation. I just love cream. With mashed potatoes, when you band the cream and the potatoes, with Italian chicken cutlet, with breaded, that's my favorite. With cranberry juice. You don't eat it out of a can, right?

How do you make cream corn? It's all they've ever seen as a can. Okay. Gentiles, take a can of cream corn, put it apart, stare it and give it to you. That's a fucking piece of shit, Gentile. Uncle Joey, you put a little garlic in that motherfucker, a little pepper, a little dab of salt. You put some fucking homemade whipped butter in that motherfucker. That's cream fucking corn. Not out of a can for Thanksgiving.

Those are the people. I don't go to their fucking house. You got to dope everything up. I'm sorry if I get angered because my wife is a gentile She don't dope shit up You can make fucking dinty moors Listen You come to Lee's house and have him cook you

Dinty Moore's beef stew And come to my house and have my Dentymore beef stew You'll die You'll go Joey, I get it, what you're saying Dentymore Denty more if you let a bit dinty more But if you dope it up you put some garlic in that motherfucker For the immune system

You put a little red wine a little sherry, you mix that shit up real nice, you cut some little bread, you put some butter on it, dinty more is now a complete different savage. Spam, okay? Spam, if you cut it and fry it, it's like a dick, you know, it's like a stinky pussy, it's just there. But you take spam, you get some spinach,

you know what I'm saying, maybe some eggs, you dope it up, you marinate it with some sarachi, there's got to be a recipe. And that's what, you know, I don't mind eating, listen, these people, these fucking assholes, and I'll tell you, I'll call your assholes, to your fucking face. Well, you know, I only can make my mom's spaghetti fill.

I said, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, listen, I'll fucking dope up some Prego. You come to my house. You'll suck my dick at the sauce is so good. I'll dope up Prego. Yeah. I'll get ragu meat, add some meat, some extra garlic. You know what I'm saying? You dope it up.

It ain't that fucking bad for people who live in a rush. For people who live in a rush, I dope up everything. But when I give it to you, you'll know it, but you'll go, wow, this is really fucking good because you dope things up. Yeah. Is it from when you were broke? Like, just having a, like, you could only have more. No. From watching my mom cook, I would go to people's house and see a dumb fuck.

Get margin and make a fucking stake-em. A steak-em basically is like a skunk that they shaved. That's a stake-o. Okay? Have you ever smelled a steak-am? It already has enough oil in it. It's disgusting. What is it?

I don't know what it is. A stacom is little steaks in the 70s that came out. And white kids were eating them and they're fucking disgusting. It's like a TV dinner? No. And they're frozen too, right? They're not there. They're frozen.

It's like a Philly steak. Like a Philly steak. The real thing, you don't know what it is. Yeah. You hope it is. But when I was a kid, I'd take that thing and I fucking marinate it and fucking mojito. Oh, yeah.

And salt and pepper and I'd fry it with onions. And then while I was frying, I'd throw cheese on it and mix it up on Wonderbread. Yeah. Come on, bitch, with some all right of French fries? Because you take some all right of fries and put them. in the oven, bake those motherfuckers and some salt and pepper, I'll take you to different places where you've never been. All that

food isn't bad. First of all, you can't eat it any every night. No. But listen, from being in the joint. Yes. What did you learn a lot? You learn a lot from seeing people cook. You see a guy cooking with an iron, the insides of an iron, getting

a piece of cheddar cheese that you steal from the kitchen and he puts it in a pot and he takes a fucking iron. You know the iron? You know the iron? that nerve in the middle, and he sticks it in there. Yeah, it makes it a stinger. And it takes all night long. Like, God, when is the cheese going to be ready?

Tomorrow is six. You know, tomorrow is six. Yeah, it takes eight hours with that stinger. So you get, like, two or three stingers, and you melt that cheese, and people would cook jalapenos in there. It's a rat. And, you know, I tell people the best Christmas I ever had

was my Christmas in the joint. In the age unit, that motherfucker's whipped up a Christmas meal. They might have the hiv, but those motherfuckers didn't give a fuck jack now we made tamales in ours we got doritos tortillas we crushed them up with a little bit of milk and we made it massa we had roast beef we put the roast beef in it was a little one and then like yeah dog it was it was crazy i was tripping out like we really have tamales dog it was two but those are the best tamales ever it's fucking crazy tons of food you could dip up and people won't even know but you don't want to do it all the

time. Stakems will kill you. Yeah. You know, my friend was telling me today, dog, I went to this place and they had White Castle burgers. They weren't that good. I'll tell you what. I'll buy a box of White Castle burgers from Rouse. You come over. You come over and close your eyes.

I can't give you their fries and nobody has ice cubes like White Castle. White Castle. A Diet Pepsi from White Castle or a Pepsi. They don't even have Coke and I get the Pepsi. Because you taste how different the ice cubes make the sauce. The soda drink. Is it the small, like, crushed kind of like... Rocks.

Yeah. Yeah, that's great, too. And they fill it to the top. Yeah. To the top. And for some reason when you get it, it's just perfect. They know exactly how to fucking do it. Wait, do those white castle burgers come with buns frozen, too?

Everything. Oh, you know, you can't have frozen buns. This is what you... Bro, this is what you... Bro. My doctor goes to Chicago and buys those fucking original sandwiches, those fucking things that portelles. Oh, nice.

He brings five of them on a plane. He tells me he freezes him. And he goes, every once in a while, things happen. I put those motherfuckers in the oven. They're like portillo. Listen, what you do is you get a baking tray and you fill it with a half inch of water. Right. And then you take the other tray and you put it on top.

And you put white castles in and then you put them in the oven. And you steam those. Come on. You know, one thing, Lee, about the bread is that they do put some kind of chemical in the bread to so that they stay fresh when you microwave them or whatever. Because when I did a thing on Periscope where I eat food in the shower and like when I had the white castle buns,

the buns would not disintegrate. They would stay the same shape as a bun, but they would fill up with water. So when I took a bite of each one of the burgers, they just burst like water in my mouth. It's some kind of chemical in those buns that keep them like, yeah, no mind. They're dipping.

No, would you ever like go and buy like some nice buns and just use the meat. Because that bun is... White Castle? Yeah. It tastes good. That's like taking some guy's asshole and putting it to the other one and fucking them. No, you can't do that.

You know what I'm saying? You can't fucking do that. Lee, you got to use the shit it comes with. That's what makes the White Castle a White Castle. We need a White Castle out here. I'm surprised that there isn't a White Castle on the West Coast. We should franchise one and put it right in the middle of Hollywood or something. I think when does the White Castle ends?

I think White Castle ends in... Tex... No. excuse me for burpin I think it ends in Fairlawn, Illinois Huh You might be right

I just noticed they made a steak and shake Now in Burbank Oh yeah I just saw that I was like what the fuck Steaking shakes in Ohio I mean in California now That's why I used to eat them

In Timley Park in Chicago Tinley Park had a A steak and shake Right next to the club And I used to go there And across the street was White Castle You couldn't fucking lose You know what I'm saying

George Perez What's going on in your world Not much man just filling the fucking death star you know what i mean i'm pretty pretty pretty you're getting ready for this fucking sun's anarchy thing they've done they're serious man they're fucking serious if you're mexican right now if you're a mexican american comic and especially with you look i'd be getting ready i'd be lifting some weights getting some tats right learning how to ride a motorcycle yeah i got all that shit all that's serious

this is real man yeah this is fucking real i mean i mean i don't know if they would cast me no no they're gonna cast red band instead you're fucking mexican it's uh i wouldn't even know how to get in though Joey it's very easy we find out who the casting person is they're looking to find a job remember a casting person is looking to cast that job people always say well I don't have an agent you don't need a fucking agent you just need to put feelers out there okay and say listen when you hear about stuff let me know and you know what you just

if I if I didn't have an agent I just get the casting agent book see which ones aren't on lots what does that mean aren't a lot if a casting agent is on the Fox lot you're never going to see it okay Because you've got to go through security. But there's a lot of casting agents like that are on Larchmount. There's a street Larchmount by Paramount. There's six casting directors. You could walk into their office and drop your headshot.

And they'll go, what's this for instead? I just want you guys to have this on file. But the assistant will look at you and go, okay. You know, I was talking to Ari today, and we had an interesting conversation. I was saying how. And this is very important with that squad. Very important with that squad. And I don't see this shit because I don't give up.

fuck I'm just happy to be performing when I perform but the person who runs cops came to me once and said the really weird thing about that squad isn't the movement or the people it's the age of the people are coming to watch us perform you know I'm no spring chicken you're no spring chicken Joe's no spring chicken you know George Perez is halfway there he's no spring chicken and people coming out to see us

yeah because it wasn't young it's in the past like I never was 18 was a comedy fan when I was 18. No. And now comedy fans because, and it's weird. Harvard, Joe tweeted two weeks ago that Harvard released a study that young college students do not have a sense of humor. Do you remember that? Some Harvard professor said

that, you know, but the people that are coming to comedy shows, a 24-year-old you said my niece last night? Yeah. How fucking cool was there? That was cool. That was really cool. That's crazy. That's crazy. Your niece was there? Yeah. I was growing up. I stumbled into a house. They were the only other Cubans

in the neighborhood four blocks away and they invited me over and I go up there the kid was Jesus he was a little kid Were they from the same part as Cuba as you? Nothing. There were the Garcia's and the girl was my age a year older but went to St. Bridget's

and she introduced me to all the whole neighborhood, the whole block I still talk to that whole block. There was a whole block and there was the Garcia Kathy Moran Frank Jansen and then Kathy Moran hung out with a girl

Valerie McNeil and I met them all in the 8th grade and I started hanging out and we would nobody did drugs we go to their houses and watch the love book Fantasy Island and when we giggle and talk shit till one in the morning and the parents were in their bedrooms and that was what we did

and we ended up being friends and we grew up and the disco started and she that girl's aunt ended up marrying that guy that took me the first what broke my belief in the church. He said, you want to get some weed? And he took me to New York City to the Lower East Side. And we parked in front of the Catholic Church, and we walked downstairs. There were people selling weed. And the priest was on

the other thing. And it was a well-known church on Fridays. They sold weed on this side, and the church took a piece of it. I was broken, but lefty Cortina, that was his name. And when I got left left back, they used to forge my report cards. Her aunt was a great forger. She was a figured out the printing system before anybody. She would wipe it out and then put scotch tape and then remove it and then reprint it. It was better than the report card.

The paper, it was fucking amazing. So I became friends with them. That's why I first got, saw Saturday Night Live where I went over there. I'm like, this sucks. And they were like, it's funny. Fuck you guys. This is punk-ass shit. You motherfuckers make me come home from sucking some chick's

tit to fucking coming and seeing this shit. How do you stumble into a forger. She wasn't a person. We were young kids. They went to Catholic Catholic school. It was the hustle. Everybody had a hustle. But the years weren't against even more interesting.

Jackie, her aunt lived upstairs. They owned the house. The guy that lived downstairs was Matting and Marikon. He was a faggot Cuban guy that was friends with my mother all those years. In fact, if you watch, I don't know if they're going to keep it. This is not happening. That's who I told the story about.

My Ding and Marikong was a fag that you didn't know was a fag. He was a designer in the daytime. He puts suits together for Elton Johnson. Well, you should have figured it out right there. Yeah, I knew because they called him that. My mom called him Mattingamari Gong, but he sold really good coke in the mid-70s. He had a connection to like the best Coke that was coming in. So my mom kept him around the bar and he sold coke at the bar.

And one day when I was a kid, there was a misunderstanding. And this motherfucker pulled the gun on two gangsters. No way. So when you're growing up and they're calling this guy, like, did I care about my thing and money going? He was always nice to me. So my mom taught me to be polite to him. But I didn't really give a fuck about my thing and money going.

But the day he pulled out that 32, and he looked at those fucking gangsters, and he said, listen, don't you ever call me a fucking Martin Fag, okay? He goes, the only way you call me Martin Fagg is if you suck my dick or I suck your dick, and that ain't a habitant. And they're like fucking like, oh my God.

And my mom's like, Martin, put the gun down because there was a game that my mom had at the bar. You know that thing that you slide? Yeah, with the salt on the board. With the salt on the board and all that shit. And it was in the line of gunfire. What if these two guys decide to put a piece out on Martin? Oh, yeah.

But Martin had the piece on him. Martin had the upper hand. He got close to them and he goes, don't you ever call me faggot. And my mom kept saying, Martin, put the gun away. you're in Coco, Coco's here. Put the gun away, Martin. And Martin put the gun away and walked out.

Like he held the gun because those dudes were going to kill him. And he ran out that fucking door. But guess what? The next day he knocked down my door and he goes, listen, your mom's mad at me. She doesn't want me at the bar, and I'm over here to apologize to you. And I go, listen, you got nothing to apologize to me. You're my new fucking hero. Take your dick out.

I was ready to suck his dick. That was my dog. And he used to tell me stories. I'm going to get goosebumps because I really feel bad about this. He became sort of a hero to me because he was already in the music scene. He was a Spanish dude dog, an old school Spanish dude that was clean. He was probably clean. He was telling me about the police.

This band called the police. Watch the police, bro. He was telling me this in 75 and 76 or 77. Like a year or two before, he was telling me about the Ramones. He was at CBGBs. So at night, he would go into the city and sling. in Coke. And you'd see him once a week with a black eye. He took the

beaten for these fags today. He was one of those fags that took beatings. People threw rocks on them. People mugged them. They took his coke away. But that motherfucker kept coming. He finally got a piece, and he became somebody. That's real tough. So when my mom died, I put

my saints over there, my Santa Ria stuff. And I was supposed to go over there once a week and visit. And one day I'm over there. And in a box. I see a baggie. George Perez, I opened that fucking boxing up, that shit's filled with Coke.

I took a couple grams. My friends were like, this is the best shit we've ever done. I'm telling you, Martin, the fag was known all up and down to East Coast because he was getting shit from Bogota and directing it. Yeah, uncut. What do you think I did? I broke into his house and took his shit and left my box there.

Oh, wow. This motherfucker with the out of a fag this guy was. He knew I, because my mom just died, so I would always go to a tombstone. He started leaving notes to me at the tombstone. I'm going to fucking break your head. Oh, wow. At the tombstone, he was checking me out at the tombstone. Like, we were going to go to war, and then one day I bumped into my step down.

He's like, dog, I went to bring flowers the other day to your mom. What's going on with Martin? He would sign the notes? Martin would sign the notes, bro. Sincerely Martin. Martin, the Elfago. Martin Elfago. He's signed the fucking movie.

But they never knew about it upstairs. I never told them. I'm going to have to tell them now because the niece is going to listen to this and hear this fucking story. But that was weird that she was there last night. Jackie called me yesterday. He said, my daughter's going to be up in San Diego.

That's how old I'm getting, dogs. Wow. Was that your first time you ever met a drug dealer? No. At my mother's bar? Okay. No. I just knew.

I just made believe. Like, at that age, they would do bumps in front of me. I'd be in my mom's office, like, playing with a model, like a fag. And my mom would come in with Martin or another chick, and they'd be discussing. And I could hear my mom going, no, no, no, he's okay. And all of a sudden, they'd be doing lines, and I'd fucking give him, like, a dirty look, and they'd know to get the fuck out of that. Yeah.

You know, I didn't like that shit. You ain't giving me any. No, I was eight. I don't want none. I don't want that fucking poison they were doing this cock-suckers. Yeah. What kind of toys did you grow up with that were your favorite? You know, like our age was like G.I. Joe's and Transformers and video games.

Doug, I was a big G.I. Joe fan. Big G.I. Joe? The original G.I. Joe's. And with the Kung Fu G.I.G. Yeah. I was such a G.I. Joe fan. Those were like the Barbie doll versions, where you could actually put clothes on them and like... Listen to me, though.

I had cousins that were girls. and I would go down in the summers and they had the Barbie doll house which fucked up the G.I. Joe house had a pool and a garage and you could sun tan and had a shower and shit. You were jealous of the Barbie house?

One day I fucking went home and I figured out fuck this G.I. Joe thing. I'm going to the toy store and I'm buying a Barbie dolls and I'm buying a Barbie dollhouse so Barbie could fuck G.I. Joe. and G.I. Joe could live in her crib.

I must have been about nine. I walked down that hill with that fucking Barbie doll in that bag. And people were like, what's in the bag? G.I. Joe? I went home. I built that fucking Barbie dollhouse in the garage with fucking... How big was it? It was one day you...

It was a box. First of all, it was a box and it came with a hinge. And you turned the hitch around and you opened it. And it was like four different stages. And I had furniture that I could set up outside, like that. Barbie by the pool, Barbie in the dining area, Barbie's bedroom, and this. What color was everything? You know, purple and pink.

What the fuck you think it is? You know, purple and fucking pink. That's what it was. So how did you explain this to GI Joe's friend? There was a white GI Joe and a black GI Joe. I didn't have to explain nothing. And they both had a kung fu-grip and they both had the fucked up Cuban beard. It was fucked up at that age.

I didn't like it and they have weapons and shit. So I used to have like parties. In my head, like, how did Chi I Joe come over and play with Barbie and talk to Barbie? Like, how are you? And my mom found him. My mom found him. And I got home from school and everybody was sitting there. They had men sitting there.

And my mom was like, talk to these guys, please. They're going to talk to answers to some questions. Are you a fact? No, I'm not a fact. Then why would you buy that? I'm like, listen, Chi-I. Joe was bored, okay? You know, when you're an only child, you go to other places. I keep telling my wife, can you get rid of that bed in the fucking Mercy's room

and buy a tent. And she keeps telling me, she's like I don't like a tent. Ask that. She don't fucking know. So today we went to a kid's party. What do you think they had? A tent.

Guess who was the first motherfucking little bitch in there? And guess it was the last bitch to come out of there? She took a book in there. She took a doll and something. And I was watching her. And after about an hour, I go, Terry, come here. Look.

Yeah. When you're an only child, you go to play. places and it's very hard to explain to people if you're not an only child. I had my own bedroom. I had a closet in the attic that was huge. And I had a foot thing that you could put your shoes. I cut the fucking carpet off, took it off and unscrewed that and had like a secret compartment. And I figured out that if I cut the sides dog, I was a fucking creative kid.

I could go in there because when I was growing up, when I came from Cuba, the big thing was not earthquake shelters, but in case somebody dropped a bomb. Air raid. Not air raid. The basement. Yeah. Okay. Every building had a sign with like a thing and it had danger and you went down there and white people would put tomatoes and tang.

You know, this shit, like a motherfucker. I love Tang. By the way, that's my shit. Tang with vodka. You have been fucked up at six in the morning at somebody's house. You know, you're depleted. You got no sperm. You're all out of Coke.

And all of a sudden you find Tang, you make an orange juice drink with fucking a vodka. a drink with tang and some ice cubes and a lemon. Ooh. Yeah, we used to do tang with Thunderbird. Dang. It's Thunderbird. Thunderbird's like a...

Boots farm for Puerto Rico. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strawberry field. I have a tent still, and I hate to admit this that occasionally I put the tent in my backyard and act like I'm camping. Yeah. It's a fucking blast.

Why not? I'm a dog. I'm a daughter. But I do it. It's a blast. When you're a child sometimes, you're just going in a tent and put you, I'm guarantee I'll find the sleeping in that fucking tent more than eight times. Because that's what I did. I love all that shit.

You know, I used to take the chair and put the blanket from the bed and crawl under my own little fucking Jupiter. It's such a good idea. I never thought of that. Why don't you just put the mattress inside the tent for a kid? And so they have like a, you know, a mattress and a tent. So, you know, you could just get a big tent, put in the room, put the matth. mattress the whole thing. Don't problem with those times. They're flammable, right?

Well, you could probably get one that's not, I would imagine. Yeah. And what does your daughter have that? Yeah, like, yeah, she... It's Joey Diaz's daughter, so he's probably has guns, knives, and firecrackers and hangs out with gay dressers. Sales ladders at the daycare. Did she take some of what's the steal? No, her daycare's cool, man.

They're little kids. There's two little Hindu twins, they're the girls. They're all little boys, man. She's friends. Her best friend is a black deaf kid with the things on his head. Xavier, and I talk to the parents. I talk to him. When I come in, I look at him.

He looks at him, he looks at him, and I just put my hand out. And he walks over and just knuckle me and runs away. So it's cool. That's cool shit. They don't fucking know. Kids don't judge. Have you ever? I forget the name of it, but it's like a personality test.

It's like a big personality test. The usual relationships. and I just took it the other night and it was weird how like how red it was but no no no why would you take a personality test why not

no no I want to hear the whole fucking story Paula said do you want to take it you follow what I'm saying to you yeah and I said yeah why would you want to take a personality test why not listen you want to test your personality yeah get an Asian's credit card okay and try to buy records

that's where your personality Where do I get an Asian credit card? I don't know. You fucking follow a Filipino, hit him in the head with a stick, and make sure his name is Ming Yao, and then you take that card and go buy a magazine. If you can pull it off, you've got my personality.

You've got to waste your time with a test. Who judges this test? It's an algorithm. It's the same stupid test that you take when you're applying to a job. All right, so what they tell you? Your personality? No, no, no. But the question I have is, like,

is she like an introvert, extrovert? Because, like, it, when you were saying 10, all I could think of was, like, I'm an introvert, and I would, like, love that. So, like, can you tell that already at, like, three years old? What? Like, her personality, like, introverted, extroverted, like. I can't tell. What kind of questions were on this test? I don't know, like, stupid.

Like, do you agree, like, mostly logic is better than acting? Like, like, it would be better that no one got hurt or you were right. It's, like, stupid things like that. I don't know. It took a long-ass time. boring but it was it was cool like it's crazy how we're all the same but then

we all have like there's four people here but we're all extremely different like why aren't we all the same because that would be a bad fucking joke if God did that to us because then we all like the same shit and all that would be boring also it's where we grew up you know what

we liked and what we were able to see how many fingers were put inside of us with by who thankfully my numbers were I never thought of taking a personality test. I never thought of doing anything like that because I'm scared. It was really crazy. You don't want the results.

You don't want somebody saying to you. I took one of those when I got out of jail. They made me take one of those. You know, when like a psychiatrist made me take it to see if I was like insane or like angry or something. I remember the questions were so like trick questions like that I was almost afraid to answer. surge because I was like, what are they trying to do to me? So. And, but it was just weird how, like, it called me, like, the mediator.

Like, it's, like, I'm passive and I, like, I don't act out. And it was just, I was, I was pretty high when I was doing it. But it was just, it was just crazy to see. And it's, it's crazy how we're so, like, we're so different. And, like, how, like, I wish I could be, like, you're, like, when you're telling people, when you were handing out the edibles, I wish I had, like, that, like, conviction. And, like, you could convince. What's the saying?

Like, sell a popsicle. I'll catch a popsicle to a woman with a white shirt. And I'm like, that's like, it's the opposite of me. But why? Like, it's just crazy. Also, you gave me acid in like 600 milligrams. So it's that acid, man. I feel like I'm on acid right now.

Hey, so on this personality test, like, say, like, are you turning this into like a shrink? Like, do they have power to get you if they think you're insane? When Paula brought it up, I was like, is this like a relationship test where it's going to say we're not compatible? and then we're going to have a fight. But it wasn't. It was just like each individual. It was like, check yourself, bitch, look, you got a personality? Well, yeah.

This is a good point. Like, I always watch TV at night. And when you watch TV after midnight, you get different types of commercials. You complain that the commercials are louder. And I finally understood what the fuck you were talking about. They are. I'm stone for the gills. It's illegal now, but they still do it?

And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. Leave me alone. But they always have Match. and the other one. Not Christian mingle, but the old guy sits next to the couple, the old guy pops up if you say e-harmini. And they say that you take a test

to see if you're compatible with somebody else. I wonder, has anybody been on E-Harm? What meant? I don't get up there. I met Paul and O'K. Cupid. Okay, so what kind of questions did they ask you? I'm really curious because I'm just... Well, that stuff is stupid.

Like, it's like the same sort of questions. Like, I was saying when you apply to like a minimum wage job, It's like, do you agree that the customer's always right? And they know, you know what kind of answers they're looking for. Okay, so with, but like, okay, Cupid. What, if I know it's three years ago. Would you, would you rather go to a car or? Come up with the phone.

Come up with the thing. Okay. Okay. We're just fucking doing, okay, Cuban one. Okay. Yeah, let's do an okay Cuban one. That's it. I need to find a new girl.

Yeah. I love the online dating. But I mean, the girls that you've, I mean, how old are you now, 40? I'm 38. You're 40. You're fucking 22. The girls that we've been with, like after a while, I knew what I could work with.

I got a call from a friend of mine the other day. You ready for this? Forget that. Okay. I love my friend, Jody. I love her. She's an old friend of mine. You know when you have somebody crazy

who you just can't let go? You don't fuck them. You don't do nothing with them. You don't even drink with them. But when they call you, you realize that no matter if you just finish fingering the cat, you don't feel bad about yourself, because she could top of you with a story that destroys you.

Calls me last week. She goes, listen, man, I'm going to buy it. Next week, I'm flying out of Burbank. Do you mind if I parked and you give me a right? Sure, so I'm caught up yesterday. I'm doing a thousand things. I've got to stop and give her a right. First of all, she was sober, which was shocking to me.

Sober is the day as long. Two in the afternoon, I almost fell off my chair. I had a talk into smoking. She goes, I can't wait to get up there. I have a connecting flight in San Francisco. Gets to the bar, gets to the Burbank. got a two-hour delay. She's like, go over to the bar, and there's these five dudes at the bar.

They're drinking and they have. Now, this is the story I got at one in the morning last night. They're at the bar. They're drinking. They're having a good time. They all board the flight. She's sitting in the front of the plane. The five dudes are in the back of the plane.

She gets up during the flight to go to the bathroom, and the guy grabs her pussy, so she broke his nose. She points in her face and broke his nose. What? The five dudes got arrested when the plane landed. She got out, and then they captured her. And they grabbed her off the plane from Eugene, from San Francisco to Eugene. They questioned her.

She told them what happened. They gave her mergical service because her wrist broke. Her wrist shattered or something. She was just going to get on a plane with a shattered wrist? You were talking about the red devil here. You understand. We're not talking about some ordinary chick. You got to go.

You got to go. Like this happens with her life. Oh, my God. This is every week. Oh, every week. New Year she fought with no. Two days ago, she fought with. with Jimmy Kimmel. She's a bartender at the

will turn. Like, it's just fucking craziness. I'm sitting there last night watching nothing. You know when you get home from doing comedy? You don't want nothing to be on. Like, when you're sober, you smoke a number. And on some, the phone rings, I'm like, I got like three calls last night. Every one

of them crazy and the other one. So she's like, I'm in the hotel, San Francisco. I had to pay a buck of 80 because they put me on a flight tomorrow at 7.45. So I've got to be there at 6.30, blah, blah, blah. But she punched the motherfucker. his nose broke her wrist

because she's tiny, you know. She's single? Sounds like one of the girls I would date. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you and her would make a beautiful couple. She lives, you could, listen, she used to be

the queen of Elkhampadre. She lives right there. Oh, perfect, exactly. You could walk. That building, when you're walking about some, Alcompatria, there's parking, there's a daycare, a Russian daycare, and there's a building. That building, that's, she's the landlord. And that building.

And if you go around the front and go, Jody, more than likely, she'll go, who is it? And you go upstairs and she'll be drinking wine with an ice cube at 3 in the morning. Because I talk to her at night. I always talk to like, I'm sitting there. She'll call late night. What the fuck? Or early. It's just people who are fucking crazy, Lee.

Lee, you're tripping, aren't you? No, he's not tripping. That's a half a hit. I didn't have done to him. That's just going to get him ready for this weekend. That's crazy. Because once you do the grand dope, I got the liquid acid, we're dropping on sugar. How's that different?

Oh, that's when you see shit. No, strict nine, bro. Horses. Oh, yeah, you'll see little horses and shit. It's great. The bad thing about the liquid, though, is I used to sell it a long time ago. And you have this, like, vile, and then you just take out of sugarcume. You're like, you know, five bucks.

And you'd, like, do one drip. One time I, like, did it, and it just, like, a bunch came on it. And I was like, shit. You're not doing my dropper. You're not. I'm doing my own dropper. Oh, my God. But I was doing it with a girl, and I was like, oh, I can't give her that one.

Can I put him in his eyeballs? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to put him in your eyeballs. You're not getting anyone near my eyeballs. Sure, sure. Put him in your eyeballs. I always wondered if that could ever do anything. My friend used to do it.

I don't think. People getting crazy when I was growing up. It got crazier and crazier and people, you know, unless I'm one than my fucking eyeballs, bro. Yeah. You know, somebody puts ass in the eyeball. You got an eye patch. You got a fucking, you can't get a job as a driver.

Yeah, a rater fan. You can't even fuck with who. Is the acid nowadays still last like 11 hours or so? Is it not strong? This stuff, for us to fly, we have to take two hits a piece. Speak for yourself. Listen, no. You didn't see you were home at 2 in the morning last time.

You fell asleep at 5. It wasn't. You didn't see nothing. You giggled with Ari. Stuff went around. No. What am I supposed to see? If you would have called me and said, Joey, that was fucked up.

The devil pulled up a chair and told me a fucking and sent me a son. Why didn't have to be that? Why can't it? That's what you do it for. Oh, my God. You want to see the walls turned into water and like, in your hands just melting off your bones. No, that's the exact thing I don't want to have.

And then you get in the bathroom and you look at yourself in the mirror and you'll freak the fuck out. You'll see your mom, your sister, your brothers inside your own face. Your face will open up and, wait, man, what happens to us? What? What happens to us? Jesus Christ. Like, I'm going to go to this concept. I decided I'm going to see Sabbath.

At the Hollywood Bowl, September 19th, the last show of the, like the second to the last show on the tour where they're fucking rocking. Like, they're tied to Hollywood Ball as small in September to Monday night. Monday night's always the best night to see a concert. Don't ever let nobody tell you any different. Yeah. Monday nights of the, if I go back in history or all the good concerts I went to, Monday nights. Something about Monday. People go, you know what, I ain't drinking this weekend.

and they go fucking crazy on Monday night's here. So I went online to look at the tickets. Those tickets that I want are fucking expensive. I don't even want like close. I know exactly what I need, what I can hear. So I'm going to put away like 25 bucks from each brook gig. I do it. I'm going to buy the tickets.

I'm going to go and I'm going to get fucked up. I think I'm going to get one ticket and just go by myself and take my chances. It's been years since I did something like that. Take an Uber. I jump out. I'm not going to walk up on it. Fucking Uber the whole thing. Yeah, Uber.

That's the way to do it. I'm not going to walk up and down on Hollywood Bull Hill. I'm out of shape. I tell you, I love Uber. How much has that changed? I don't get on them. I'm scared. Oh, really?

I have it on my phone, but I'm still petrified. Why? I don't know. I hear all these stories. What about Austin? They lift Uber's competitor has a self-driving fleet in Austin now. Are you serious? If it's not live, it's about to be live, yeah.

It doesn't, I don't think they're allowed. I'm not doing that. I don't want to get, listen. I'm so excited for self-driving cars. Before a self-driving car. I'll take an Asian with one eye. Yeah, me too. Before I take a cell.

I don't give a fuck, Jack. I ain't doing that shit. I don't trust that shit at all. Fuck you. Somebody's got a manned that fucking. I know, oh, Joe, you're an asshole. People log into computers and pilots don't even fly the planes, but there's still somebody sitting there.

Yep. Yeah. There's still somebody sitting there. That means the world to me. I don't want to fly with just some headless fucking horseman, and I'm going to light and all of something to fucking do that. design goes off and next thing I'm in Bulgaria You know, I'm going off a fucking

Cliff because I want to be cool and drive with a fucking, uh, I have a fucking driving car. I don't give a fuck. You give me an Arab person taking a shower in two weeks And I'll still drive around with him instead of fucking No disrespect to the Arab people, but whoever that is in New York, you motherfucker's got some kicks to you. We're getting a cab in New York, dog. You get out of the cab with a headache.

You get out of a fucking cab with a headache, dog. I don't know what nation they're from, you know. They just got kicked, those motherfuckers. Greyhounds like that, too, sometimes. You get the old bus. Oh, fuck. It stinks. People are asleep.

Listen, when you go on Greyhound, your expectations always have to be low. Like, if you get on a Greyhound and go, oh, this is going to be a positive experience, there's going to be drama. There is going to be drama at some point of the bus ride. I could always do. Like, the longest I did was New York. city of Dallas because it was an express and there was like 22 hours or something anything 24 and under anybody in this room could do with their eyes closed with an iPod a book a couple dollars maybe an edible a bus is not fucking bad guys I'm telling you right there's to love it from

Boston to New York yeah that's a good bus that's a great that's 25 I used to you know I used to do it there's some buses guys he can't be you're on the road. You know, one, an Uber, yeah, you really want an X. They want 62. This bus is 18. And what are you getting to the airport to do anyway?

Hop on the bus. Yeah. You know what's crazy? The bus is in Mexico. I remember when I was little, we used to go to T.J. And that bus is a whole different bus. Talk to me about that. I heard. Shit. I would never.

Listen, guys, I went to El Paso on a bus 20 times in four you fucking years. I was the king of that rap but there was a bus for seven dollars with mexicans that had like a two-tier did they really sell food on the bus spanish television is on telomundo yeah guys i was always a little bit too scared to get on that bus that bus was just a little too real for uncle joe yeah well like i heard like the bus in mexico city like they pull out weapons on you on shit like the driver's in on it and if you look like you got anything it's it's gonna get took

I'm like, Mexico City? Yeah. TJ was, TJ's bus was like more of people that just asking you for money or selling you shit. Like a frame made out of, you know how they make frames out of potato chip bags? Like the Dorito bag because that's the aluminum. But, uh, yeah. Is Toasty Locos good?

And for, Paul always wants to be to try it. It seems weird. What? Toasty loco? Yeah. Like chips with like onions. It's like a whole, and they do it in like a free dose bag. Oh yeah.

That's real good. Yeah. Yes. I still can't get used to the fruit with like the spicy chili on it. That shit's good, though. Yeah, I don't like that. That shit's good. I'm not used to that.

You know who has it the best? The guy in front of Target. On victory. Yeah. And violent. You got fresh fruit, huh? Oh, that motherfucker did it. That's who turned me on to it.

And they put lime juice in it too? Lime juice and shit. I tell them not to put the white shit in there. Just put the mango, the coconut, the coconut. It's like the apple. It's like Mexican kosher salt. No, no, no, no. I got there something.

There's a white. Oh, Hamaica. Hamaica. The fuck you. Give me everything else. Double up on oranges and the grape fruits. Sprinkle some of that shit on it, the brown sauce, with the lime juice, at least I at.

Oh, shit. I don't know. Oh shit. You have no fucking idea, my friend. It's not gross, but it's like weird. No, no, no, no. It's weird. It's already a fruit, and then there's lime, and then there's chili.

It's like, fuck it. Did you taste it? Yeah, fuck you. And you didn't like it? Tell him to lighten on the chili next time and give it another shot. One more shot, because I love you. There's no place left to go. You know what I'm saying?

It is pretty cool. Just try the limit in salt. He was cool. He gave me rain and I kept my distance. burning up down one more shot because I love it

this is what happens I need three stars You feel the star I fucking feel the star Like the tattoo You gotta eat one with this red man It's Sunday night That the fuck you're here

Yeah You're gonna hang tonight It's all over Look at you It's the beginning of the end for you I just feel like that I don't have anything in my body So I'm just gonna strip

That's why you need is water and coffee. You're fucking in training. That's what I told people. You're in training. For what? There's never an answer for. Listen, he's been in training since I met him. Every six months, he gets a tidbit or something.

He runs a few stairs, but he's always in training. He's out six nights a week mixing it up, drinking, doing something. This kid lives it up. Yeah. He lives it up. Honest to God. He really does. I got to give him credit.

Any fucking comedy guy, he's got a cocktail. having a good time. What are you going to do? I wish I had those balls. I don't have those balls even when I was his age. I took a Coke rock and ran home like a little fucking girl. Towards the end, that's all I did. I take my coke and run, bro, run home. Hell yeah, the privacy of your own home. If a naked woman was running like, help, help, fuck you. I just, bam, fuck you. If anything, I felt anything was going to distract me getting home. I didn't fall for anything. Nothing. I stopped at every red light. Nothing. The only stop I made was at fucking 7-11. They got two packs of camel and one for free. Remember in the old days?

Yeah, yeah. Get by two, get one free. And I would fucking wake up and no cigarettes. Yeah. God, I hate those days. I would fucking, I got no reason to line. I would fucking go home with a gram and a half dog. And I'd wake up and that fucking room was a cloud. And there wasn't one cigarette left. And if you gave me more time, I'd dip into my wife's cigarette. She was talking about it a couple of months. ago. I remember waking up and every fucking cigarette was gone. What were you doing?

It's constant thinking, like the cigarettes, like the cool, like... Oh, you get all evil and look out windows and the cigarette. And people, you think they can't see you, but they see the orange going from your back to your lips. Yeah, you know, my neighbors, I think they fuck with me. Like, they have like a motion

light and they put a flag by it, so I keep thinking like, hey, are they fucking calling me? Because the light keeps, the wind keeps moving it. It's, yeah, I trip out. It's crazy how at one point of the night the cocaine becomes up. You know, I describe it in stages. Like, for me, from 79 to 80 fucking three, it was fun.

And then I started, and then in 83, when I moved the fucking snowmast the first time, I started getting creepy on it. I started doing it in my house at night. I'm watching TV and jerking off. And usually you do that shit, you go out and you went home with no coke. Now I would go out and then you made sure you had coke when you got home just to do two or three lines. You could watch fucking, before VH1, USA, USA ran Friday nights. In the early 80s to like mid-85, USA, you went home and turned USA on on Friday night.

There was Saturday Night Live and Mad TV. That came later. Saturday Live has always been on. But Friday nights in the old days, if you were like a druggie type kid, you went out and you went home. And there was no taping it. It started at 9 and it went until 6. And there was the whole week of review and music. You know, they did art.

They did all this craziness. They even show like girls in bikinis just to keep you at like 3.30. They played music videos. So I got creepy. I would watch that. You know, I started staying in more. And then I said, fuck it, I found something out. If you have Coke, people come home with you.

Ah, that's a different thing now. Remember, you go up to a chick at a bar and go, you want to come over and watch a movie? They'll go, fuck you, you're creepy motherfucker. But you give a chick a line of Coke and show her a rock in that thing and go, you want to come over and watch a movie? I don't give a fuck, Christian Mingle and OkCupid. That always gets you in.

You walk into a bar in the 80s and go like this with a bindle? And within minutes, dog, a chick will. latch on to you. What are you doing? I'll come over. Can my friend come? Yeah, sure. Bring her. I got extra quailudes for everybody. That bitch will be passed on and out with what I'm slinging to this motherfucker. Did you ever do, I remember a while back

you showed me a bottle of, was it quailudes or something like that? Did you ever do that? I got one left. Yeah. Yeah. I got one in case the fucking Russians come and drop a bomb on me. I got something to fucking take the voice. Does it go bad? You know, I don't think those things worked. Yeah.

I think they were Fugazis. Yeah, all imagination. Because I took one in my living room one night and just sat there waiting for something to happen. Nothing happened. I went to sleep. I woke up. I felt worse than what I did when I went to fucking sleep. You know, I think it's like an aspirin that they made into just like a meth of qualoon or whatever.

But yeah, that was the thing. I went into stages. And then by the time before I went to prison, if I did blow, there was a girl in my house. Man, and once the girl didn't show up, I used to have this neighbor that was dating a dude but they didn't live together.

He worked nights at the newspaper. And all I had to do is knocking on her door and go you want to just do a line. And next thing she'd come in with the robe half on, the tit hanging out. And within two hours, we'd be 69 and then shit. I loved all that creepiness. Then I got locked up.

And then when I came out, I started that creepy shit of staying in and just doing, and blow. Playing with your dollhouse. With G.I. Joe. Having G.I. Joe fucking weenie, weeny, up the ass he and shit.

Where's Tony Bennettcock second? Jesus. Fucking craziness, the phases that you go with and shit. Just a little something. Get a little half time here. Yeah, I used to always keep a little blow around my house just in case if, like, that would be

wanting, like, man, I want to be around. Jesus Christ scared the fuck out of me. Girl, come back to my house. Got some Pepsi at home. It's easy. Some, somebody breaks your heart.

Are you feeling it? I think you are. You got the giggled face. I'm feeling something. I can tell. I'm feeling something. Cocksackers. And we killed all the stars.

Look at that. One left over here. Lee, we got chocolate for you. Fuck that. Lee, does this look different to you? Wait, let me show them. That's weird, but no. No?

All right. I think I'm feeling something, but I don't think it's going to be that much. You're feeling. That's not going to watch. We go home. You see devil's this shit. And then you don't know. Oh, Jesus.

Fresh right, man. I thought, I thought, like, the song was skipping. Oh, wait, is this a CD all of a song? No. What is that? What's up, buddy? I used to be the guy that would like fuck with my friends when we're tripping you know I'd be like I would talk and just like start like stuttering and they're like wait what you just say

you know what you know it's really cool to do when you're tripping Lee is to get in a room and have just one lamp with like a light bulb in it and uh whoa uh just turn off all the lights turn off all the lights right and you just sit there in this complete darkness for like I don't know like five minutes and then you just flip the light switch on real quick and then it will burn an image into your eyes and then you can see like a ghost

around like we would look at each other and just like look at each other's faces and then flip the light real quick and then I can see my friend's face just kind of still glowing there Joe you want to stare into each other's eyes and do that with me because I don't know if I'm going to do it with have you lost your fucking mind

You don't want to stare at each other eyes I want to stare at the eyes Like a fucking vampire And shit Wait for you to suck my dick Like some fucking homo-fucking sapiens Some shit So Lee did you go on a lot of dates

Using OKCupid or did you Yeah but they were not a lot But like the few I went on were like See I always was a relationship person And I liked one night stands But that's it took me like I was a chubby dude It took me while they have sex

So I didn't want to like just do it and like give up on that girl. Right. Because it was like, I put in all that work. Did you just have a lot of one-night stamps? No, I didn't have a lot of them, but like a lot of... I had a few before. Were you uncomfortable?

Okay. This one, this was probably the worst. Okay, Cupid. It was right by fucking... Okay. You know what we're getting dug with highs? Were they taped that? Yeah.

There's a dog grooming place nearby, like around the corner. I went on an okay Cuba date But this is why I don't date Jewish girls She was just The stereotypical Jewish girl She took me there to pick up her dog Which is a dog She got off from the desert in

Arizona Like she just found a dog It's the worst dog in the world It like attacks you I was she brought Long story short She brought me back to her house Was peeing with me in the shower

in the toilet first date and it was like the worst sex I've ever had It was just terrible And then she was also I always had the girls who were like Don't go down on me because I'm not going to do that to you She was like the right off the back Right off the bed

That's disgusting Oh my word Don't go down on me First off what gave you the fucking atrocity To think that a guy like me Would eat your fucking mess You got a desert dog Who fuck do you think you're dealing with here

Yeah but That was but Yeah, that was the worst one. You don't have like a credit application type breakdown to ask them before you even take them to dinner if they suck dick. You do, but you don't ask them to you don't ask them out. You met me back then. I'm not going to ask somebody if they suck dick

over the internet. I wish I had those balls. Like, hey, you know, it's like my dick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. hilarious. I'd be embarrassed. Maybe I should go through my old account.

Oh, God, there's been so embarrassing. I never, ever, ever went out. Like, I didn't even, I didn't know about the computer when the dating sites and all this shit. Like, I couldn't imagine filling out of profile. I know. And then going on there and going on dates with creepy people, meeting them like a Denny's and talking about shit.

Oh, that's a fucking nightmare. Hell now. I was always horrible at that. I was horrible at that stuff. Like, having to court you, is that what it's called? Fuck you. You're single, right? You got nothing going on.

He's working on shoes company nine and five. You make fucking $1,200 a week. Let's get together. Let's join your forces. What else you got to lose? Well, I don't know. My brother plays the harmonica. I don't get a fucking got nothing.

I liked it because, like, I was always too scared to just go up to a girl in a bar. That would be way too much for me. You know what I could maybe do it. You don't want to meet a girl at a bar anyway, man. That's what you guys are the worst relationships usually. Yeah, but you know what? That's where you get your game from, your instinct. Oh, yeah, I have no game.

You're smoothness. Well, that's where it's like, that's open mic in it right now. You got to go to the bars and get those bitches and then later you get them at the club. See, I believe in that. I believe in going to a club, meeting a girl and then going to that same bar Tuesday and she's there and you talk to her some more. Yeah. And then maybe that night you go home with her and she's drunk and you both pass out. You know what I'm saying?

And then you start. Now we already broke the fucking thing, okay? I slept in your bed Now let's push this forward Well we went too fast Take me to the movies All right You take them to the movies

You take them to dinner You swap spit in the car You ripped their bra on You're back at the house That's it The elephant's out of the room You're fucking Now you get this fucking lie going

That's it That eliminated the lies But those three dates Until I fuck you I hate to You like really You like Gwen Stefani Oh my God

I can't wait to see What she names her baby Get the fuck out There ain't no guy in the world Unless the only one wants to find it to suck our dick We don't give a fuck about the baby Who she'd date and what kids But when we're in the beginning stages

We sit there and Yeah, I'll do that I ain't doing that no more I'll pick your kids After you blow me And I suck your pussy That's it We're on normal terms

There's no more flowers There's no more opening doors There's no more nothing If I'm watching it, you're watching it What's on? That's good That's great. You bring a TV with you because this is what we're watching. This is a motherfucker right here.

I got another TV. You got an antenna. I got some aluminum foil. Once you suck my dick, it's over? Yeah, once I eat your, once I eat your ass and put three fingers in there, you moan. That's it. The conversation is done. There's no more argument.

This is what we're doing. Right or wrong. Yeah. I'm going home to do laundry. Take mine. Hold on one second. Let me give you a bag. What are you talking about?

I just was eating your ass. That's commitment. I'll get the sales next week. I go to the sales. I got the pet. Remember when you went to Zales for that first dicky bitch you guys ate, and you went to Zail and put that shit on a payment plan. How fucked up for you?

When I got married, though, she fucking went and got the Redding Wings on like $36 a month. I remember how coming home going, we paid off the wedding wings. Meanwhile, I got $10,000 in cash upstairs and Coke money. She don't know nothing about. And I'm like, this fucking. I could have just bought the fucking rings $36 now my fucking credit as we paid them off

But we paid like for $1,800 that they weren't even worth that when you go to Zales Yeah, you're paying a thousand over book for that shit that shit's hollow as fuck That shit's hollow as fuck those are smugglers rings you can fucking put coke in there like an ounce and go what I can I put an ounce of coke into this fucking That empty shit from Zales with that fucking the blood diamond that's what that's what the blood diamond is right black people dying, shit like that. Now, how do I get a diamond that nobody dies? You can get the ones, the fake ones that

look, like, even the jewelers can't take the difference. Bro, the Cuban Zaconians? I've been selling those shit since 83, motherfucker. I'm going to drop $1,100, when I got drop $3.250 at Kmart. Right. And they got top ones at Kmart. Those top motherfucking Cuban Zaconians

at Kmart. Why are you buying rings of Kmart? Because you don't know when you're going to get pussy. That's the last closing. I didn't not propose to a girl to get sick. Four in the morning, a good blow job when you're coked up. You rip out a ring. Shit happens, Jack. Try it.

What would they say? Listen, what are they going to say? They're fucked up. You're fucked up. Don't worry, we'll go to Mexico tomorrow. It's official. Was it like a wedding-looking ring? Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, yeah. They're so good nowadays that the jewelers really can't tell the difference between a diamond and these new kind of like fake diamonds. I don't know if it's Cuban or whatever. Cuban. Cuban. Ciconians. Those are the best. Fidel's most putting

those into the economy since fucking 1978. He's been bumping those into the economy. Yeah. Lee, you learn something new every fucking podcast. In the 80s when people were doing Blow. That's what you were giving out. Zaconians like a motherfucker. Lee, do you eat butt? Do you eat ass? Do you...

No. He's never eaten. No. What? That's gross. I think it's something you kind of get older. you start doing i mean i never really did no by 27 i was already like in shock that i had eaten somebody's ass by 27 i was walking around like i can't be doing blow with women yeah i get all fucking because that's a different thing the same thing when you just fuck bitches in high school and like in college and you just fuck women that's one thing but once you add cocaine to the mix it's choice tell them how good that pussy is yeah i mean i was crazy it gets crazy yeah i already had a kid at 18.

I already had a kid at 18 and like, you know, we're living together so I was eating ass. It was weird, man. Were you going to blow with her? Fuck yeah. And you work it. Like you get dirty and shit and fucking put your hand in that pussy. And they start sweating and their tities get

sweating. And they start drinking from that fucking cock and you hit them with the car. Oh, it's disgusting shit when you get coked up. But I love it. There's a chicken Facebook I got evil with the night that Doug Flutty threw that touchdown, I went and ripped this girl out of her fucking love his house dog

with like an ounce of boys. I'm looking at you sitting with this guy with a robot. Look what I'm throwing over here. She goes, make me in the bottom of the corner in five minutes. And then she's like, I'm like, what are you going to take those pants off? I'm never thinking. She's like, you have to guess the color of my underwear.

I go red. She goes, close enough. And it was like, we ate ass. I pulled the hair. pissed on her it was on dog you're fucking with no condoms in the ass and the pussy you're sweating you stop to do some lines and shit then you put coke in the pussy and eat it that's a rap then you flip it over put a coke rock in her ass eat that then you stop and drink champagne then you put champagne on your cock and she sucked it some more then you watch a TV show

for like an eye with a robot she makes you a say it with she gives you a no there's no food involved She gives you an earbeaten about her childhood. She went to Christian school, and the nun tried to molester. You sit there and inhale this earbeat. And while she's telling you this perverted story that happened to it, you're kind of getting turned on, right or wrong? Wait a second. The nun did what to you?

Hold on one second. Fucking. Put the heels back on. Holy, it gets ugly. And you start snorting, and now the sun's coming up, and your dick starts getting small. And you can't get a hard on, so you're eating her ass. Then they get up and suck your dick for 20 minutes,

and they got to stop and drink more champagne and do two more bumps. Then they suck your delete. It is fucking disgusting, but unbelievable at the same time. Yeah. Fucking disgusting. You wake up the next morning, you look at that person and go,

wow, I'll never look at you the same way. And they'll look at you the same way and go. I broke you down last night. You did disgusting things to me. But that's when you tell women, you know what? Get your dildo and stick it up my asshole. What? What? No. I never did that shit.

But most guys do that shit. Don't make believe. Don't make believe. You know what? I'm going to dress up like a girl. Smack me with your heel. Grab the GI Joe sticking in my ass. Feet first. I can't handle the shoulders again this time. Oh, my God.

I don't like the ass shit at all, man. The massage people always try to put their fingers in my ass, and I'm just like, stop. I do not believe you still go to massage parlors in this day and age. No, regular massage bars. I'm not even talking about whack places. There's no rock. Every place here sucks your dick. That's what the city is known for.

I know. It sucks trying to get a regular massage, though. Okay. Let me ask you a question. So you walk in, do they just go for it, or do you have to be, like, start like that? I would be so nervous sitting in that chair. I'd probably pass out. Well, you're not in a chair.

you're in a bed and you could, you pretty much, they just give you, most places just give you a regular massage. And then when you flip over, they'll whisper in your ear like, you know, and then you're like, yes.

And then, but a lot of, like, isn't it like they ask you like, hey, do you want the extra? They usually, it's different.

You know, a lot of times, they'll just whisper in my ear and like, you want something. But if you want something, you could also like start rubbing her, like legs and stuff while she's massaging you.

And then she'll get the hands. hint and then she'll just go right for it you know I want to go and then what I just go fucking bad but here's the let me give me the full size I have a friend dear friend in mine and one day we're talking about something completely different

we got to talking about massages he told me that him and his jih Tutsu buddies go to this certain place on Laurel Canyon there and it's it's really like the chick is really she's old she's not very attractive the boyfriend's always there with a guy but she's really good for backs and necks.

But then after a fucking few more bites of a fucking hot dog or whatever we were eating, this guy went nuts and started telling me about that he's basically gone to every one of those that he has an Asian fetish. And then he goes and that he probably dropped like $8,000 like in 2014. And then I go, so what do you do now?

Because I just don't go. You know, every once in a while I have this Asian girl that I meet in a hotel and Marina Del Rey, and she's like $750. Oh, my God. But he goes, he gets her for the whole night. She's fucking a 10. You know, she's 24.

She's like Americanized. You know, the whole thing. But he basically told me this, Red Band. He goes, I loved it. He goes, I got addicted to all those Lancashire months. Then he goes, I started going into Recina and deep into those other ones and all this. He said he got a rash, bro. around his dick

and on his balls. That is just like he has to keep going back to the doctor And the doctor doesn't know what it is. Oh, gross. It's like a bacteria infection. Yeah, like some bacteria thing. I go, would you eat them and anything? He goes, no.

He goes, but they suck dick. But he goes, they're fours. And he goes, it's like the ones they pull out of jail and shit. They tie them up and you can see it. They beat him. He said that he used to live at that one. That the best blow job he ever got was the one down the block from the ha ha he goes there's a skinny girl there that sucks the best dick he's ever had in his

life that your eyes crossed and everything a hundred bucks i don't know what he was he was telling me dog he was like he said he did this shit all the time he's a good looking dude but he dates like hollywood chicks but he wants to eat ass and tie him up and light him on fire and he goes they always run out of his apartment they can't handle him and shit yeah i mean it i that website rubmaps dot com it's like yelp for a massage parlors and I was addicted to because I was trying to write a bit and that's how I found out about it so I started reading all the reviews and I was like I've never gone to what kind of reviews do people get read some reviews uh read me a read all right here on here find me a local one sure because he said he's like listen man he goes he went to one that they

would do the switcheroo that the chick was chubby she just had a kid they're Chinese they smell like they're eating kimchi and shit and he goes you can't really fuck him there's no faction. He goes, you take the blow job because you're there. But he goes, he got like a rash around his dick when he started fucking this one chick from the juice and her fucking little monquois. That's disgusting.

My friend gave me some cash. I entered and paid $50. I got a room in the middle and waited for at least three minutes and came in and I thought she was Asian. She went on a little and I found out that she was actually speaking Spanish. I believe she was Cuban.

I felt like asking her out on a date. She was so pretty, but I probably went and got rejected. Anyways, I got full service from her for $120. I wasn't disappointed. She was a hot body, probably a nine or a 10 in L.A. looks. She gave me a blowjob

while I stood up, then I pounded her doggy style for a good while. After we chatted for a bit, I left. This place is... You pounded her at all? Huh? Who writes reviews?

Yeah. Oh, dude. Look, I mean, this one place that I'm There's about 200 reviews. Oh, my God. That's straight, snitching. That is great. What place is this? We'll talk off.

This is the place that I was telling you about that's connected to a weed place, and it's owned by the same guy. So you pretty much, it's either Brazilians or Cubans next door, all massages, and then when you're done, you just go to the weed shop next door. It's like the perfect place. Wow. So I've been told. But I mean, but when I did. started like really getting into it and figuring out like I went and got a hand job like it was like it was the most nerve-wracking thing ever Lee.

Disgusting. So it's someone who could just give a hand job is grabbing my weed? Huh? That's gross. No, no, no, no, no. It's two different places. It's connected. It's not like.

But then I, then after I got, I first did it, it kind of was like, oh, I could see getting addicted to this. Can you finish? Like, like I would imagine that I would be too nervous. Well, tell you what, man. the person that I got it from, she was from Vietnam, and she was a little bit older. She was like 40 years old, and she

did things where she would blow on it, and then do like street fighter moves, you know, the helleruka or whatever, the fireball thing. Like, but like... Doing stuff for the assid, aren't you? I don't know what they do. They have techniques for just hand jobs that would blow your mind.

You would think that there's three people sucking on your dick, but it's just her in her hands and blowing on your dick hole. It's crazy. And how much do they? charge for that. Well, usually, you know, $40 for a half hour, $50 for an hour massage. And then if you get a hand job, it's usually $40 tip is what is common. That's all?

Yeah, blow jobs 80 and then $120 for sex. 40 for a hand job. Only $120. I don't want a fucking hand job. Do you understand me? I would never want a fucking hand job ever in my life. Ever. I got over a hand job when maybe I was 16 or 17, somebody like,

even when girls when you date them they start giving you a hand job pre-suck, listen, knock it off. For a blow job, there's no opener. That motherfucker shows up like a true headline a solo, you know what I'm saying? He's like John Lennon. He shows up with a flute and a fucking Chinese woman.

He don't give a fuck, Jack. I mean, you know, I hated all that shit. I was in, guys, I don't know, man. When I realized I was fucking inadequate sexually like as a young guy like it just did not work for me like fucking a hooker just did not work for me i wanted it to be something else and then that put me into shock so i always come quick so when i'm with a regular chick i like unless i'm breathing and i focus in the beginning it's a horror show so it's not like i'm gonna pay somebody to have a fucking horror show right so

i was always very naive to that world i had friends that would tell me where they'd go or that you know there's a chick or something, but I was in Michigan. I was a feature act. And I would drive and my shoulder would hurt. And I saw a massage. And I went in there and some fucking chick answered that was very Americanized Chinese woman. Pretty hot. I didn't catch it, guys.

I mean, who the fuck knows what part of Michigan on me? And she's talking to me and I go, what do you guys do? And I'm rubbing my shoulder, you know? And I'm thinking, and all of a sudden she was going to the. this room $40 boom within two minutes this little penguin looking bitch comes in she's like you take off clothes take off clothes and I'm like why don't I have to take off my fucking clothes and I looked and there was no like chair there was no it was just a bed like on stilts and she's like take off clothes and I go why she goes uh $35.5 job 50 blood job and I'm like whoa whoa get back to this fucking

hand job like I was in shock like this ain't happening but you want $30, $5 to give somebody a fucking handjob and then do what? Well, the good thing about hand jobs is at least there's no condom because it's like on the blow jobs and the sex, supposedly they wear condoms. So it's like getting a blowjob

with a condom on. Why would you pay for that? You know the same people who work at Chipotle? They're the same people will give you a hand job, okay? That meat isn't bacterial lace because McDonald's gives it to them that way. I think Chipotle is just hiring people who give fucking hand

job by fucking time. That's why everybody's getting sick. You drink that hand job juice. Let me tell you something, Doug. I don't want nobody touching my dick with their hands. Let me tell you. Let me tell you how fucking crazy I am. Why?

Let me tell you how crazy I am. When I get home at night, okay, I'm a fat fuck. So when I run up the stairs, I always forget the piss. I'm 52. I got a pier every 15, 20 minutes. Sometimes I get in the car and I leave the economy store so fast, I'm like, I should have fucking pissed. Then I go to Laurel Canyon,

then I get them. By the time I get home, I got to fucking pee. I run up the fucking stairs. I run through the door. Guys, before I take my dick out, the first thing I do is I hit the hot water. And I let the hot water get hot. And I put not the regular house soap

that my wife uses, but the hand job, dick soap, touching people's hands at the comedy store, hanging out, opening up the door at the 7-Eleven. You ever touch the 7-Eleven? You've ever touched the 7-Eleven? under your fucking fingernails and shit. It looks like my big toe.

I boil my hands before I. No matter how bad I got a pee, sometimes I even feel the peevee dripping out of my dick. I boil my hand. I boil the fingertips and I take my dick out with the fingertips. I pull the skin back and I sit there. And once I pee, I wash my hands. When you're out, you got to do this shit, guys.

You got to do this shit. You got to assume that guy that walked out, didn't wash his hand, and just grab that fucking handrail. You have to assume this shit You have to when I fly I fly with those towels now You got terrorists breathing That's bad enough Some guy breathe in a bow on your fucking table top

And you're eating your fucking freeze dry peanut From the airline No you're not gonna get fucking sick So it's the same fucking thing You gotta blow your hands before you touch your dick Dog when I would date a girl I'd like three months ago Can I talk to you in private?

You think I'm kidding I go do me a favor of dog when you piss, sit correctly, and fucking wipe the toilet. Because I want to eat your monkey. I don't want to get germs in my mouth. That's how much a fanatic I was at 22 about eating pussy. I've seen these women piss. They piss anywhere like animals. I got to eat that.

I got to eat that fucking monkey. You're pissing on a fucking men's toilet with your pussy out like that. Like, you got to fucking put something there. You don't want those germs in the toilet. A pubic hair touches your fucking pussy. That's sex. That's sex. You cheated on me, you dirty bitch.

Even if CSI comes over, when they find a pussy hair, a dick hair from fucking him and your fucking dick. Sometimes I'm shitting, right? Sometimes you're shitting, you know, your hair gets so long, it falls out of the follicle. And you see it later on. Like, you come back and you go, whom? Whose long hair is that floating in the fucking toilet? Well, that's mine, that fucking white hair that comes off your nutsack. When you get old, you know, you have the other, all the, what do you add for all the shampoos?

your shoulder yeah like they all have ads about you know the endroof not dandruff it's so your hair tips splittance well you have splittins on your dick they just fall off there's no dent there's no shampoo to save the splenins on your dick you got to shave them and start from scratch but how many guys have walked in you know if you're a big fucking pubic hair right in between let's say this is the toilet seat the toilet seat always has that fucking gap there right there there's always a toilet there Because if you're a regular guy, you take your dick out of that. When you take it out, the hair falls out, and it's always right there floating right there. So you're going to go pee.

I want your first of water. I don't want you to wipe it off because then the sides of your hand might get the fucking thing between the toilets. Don't even touch it. Mind your business. Just take toilet paper, put it down, then sit down and pick up an extra inch above your pussy. You like going to yoga? That's yoga. Don't let your pussy hit the toilet bowl street.

Pick that motherfucker up like that and pee like a horse and then come back. to me. I can eat your pussy with confidence. That's all you want to do. I don't ask for much, Lisa. And wipe front to back. I don't like that poop pussy. Listen, I'll take it

and marinated either way. Cajian or American. You know, Uncle Joey. You got a little poop in it. You just wipe that shit off on the antibacterial. And you eat that motherfucker out. It smells like Windex for two minutes,

and that's it. I hate when it's too clean. Sometimes it's that soap pussy where you're just like, God, I can taste dull. You know, I know what, What's so well then you gotta open it up you gotta fucking stretch it out and put that hand in there And all of a soon you hear noises like the bottom of a cave

Like you hear that It's Sunday night cucksuckers NBC sports has what family night fuck this this this is fucking the what do we call this the round table tonight Who gives a fuck what's crack a lacquack now here so it's crack we still got an edible left ladies and gentlemen a punch 200 milligram milk chocolate You know if you eat chocolate It's good for the heart George Perez

Yeah but Edibles is dangerous George Perez You're looking dark tonight You're looking dark I've been cleaning the yard This fucking This edible gave you

Those Johnny Sanchez Little bag I have the air Spears dark on I go Let me tell you some man I go back with George Perez A long

fucking time It's crazy. Where'd you guys first meet? Some fucking Mexican comedy room. Yeah, it was in Orange County. It was red peppers. Oh, my God. It was weird.

And you know what's crazy? Like, we're out of that loop. All those rooms still exist. There's little guys that have rooms every fucking night, those little Mexican kids have those rooms. I ain't mad at them. That's why I cut my fucking chops. You know, I didn't go up at the store until 1215, A-A., which is really 1 a.m.

So you had to do something. What are you going to do? Sit in your house? You're going to go crazy. So I would call Felipe, you know, a Jeff Garcia. I mean, there was 20 of these kids. Fly had Casa Latina. And they had food there.

If you got there early, I had a buffet. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. They had like the leftover buffet, like the older tacos. I didn't give a fuck. No, they were still good. A little good. That's how we met.

man when when martin Moreno had a room and whittier and it's it was fucking crazy you would go out at night do comedy three nights away look at this fucking good look he is he's fucked up roy Lee eat some chocolate I'll bring you back you can he is it eats him chocolate are you crazy do you see any visuals yet Lee no he don't see dick he's not I didn't give him enough next time the grand opening of the new office reason but in deep but in deep I don't respect for fucking MLK. Tomorrow's Martin Luther fucking King Day.

Is it? Banks are closed. Oh, man. It's an official holiday. You guys could go up with the comedy stores will be bumping tonight. Oh, that's true. Every comedy club should be busy tonight. Yeah.

Like, it's a good night to do comedy. What's with the silence, guys? What's the, what I say something wrong here, cock suckers? No, I'm high. It's a good night to do com. No, what's the purpose of the show? I know, I feel you. I'm having a great time.

The purpose of the show was to come on on a Sunday night and get high and chitty chat a little bit. I just like, you know, I've done a lot of Coke and for some reason I can't feel like my little forehead by my nose. You know that little forehead you got? In real life or right now? I can't feel this right here. I feel like I found my ornament. Oh, man, is that going to happen to me now? No, I don't know.

I'm going to be all fucked up. I don't do coke in my fucking tuffing. thing has hurt me. My third eye is sore. Your third eye is sore. That's who your third eye is. When you meditate. Right. And like you do the condolines, you have to look straight up at your third eye. I thought you were talking about your brown eye.

No, and hopefully. Everybody wants to hold him out of brown eye. Leave G.I. Joe alone. Leave G.I. Joe alone, cock sucker. Bro, my mother was pissed when she found that fucking woman's house. When she found the Barbie house, she was pissed. Did

did she make you throw it away, or did You talk like a look like it was like a serious no no I was my mom's biggest fear because She felt that she had raised me around too many women That's how I was raised So she kept thinking I got a tough in this kid up so every opportunity she had and now she catches me with a fucking doll house in the basement You know something made right here and then I'm but me I was looking at it as just I could lie to everybody and say I was like having them fuck I wasn't I just was having them like

live. Like Army guys going to regular chick's house, watching TV and shit. Like white people should do. I don't know why. If you told you, I'm not what you'd like you keep in? No, no. But it was like a fantasy of mine that was acting out. You know, he asked me what type.

You know what? I'll tell you what intrigued me when I was a child. We're models. Oh, really? You know why? Because you're doing by yourself. I liked anything I could do by myself. I was never good. Like, Monopoly, I always quit after I got Walk Empire.

Once I got the two blue ones, I don't want to buy the hotels. He's a hotel. I got the problem. You know what I'm saying? Like I never, like I like battleship. Yes, that was one of my favorites. That's my favorite. I like the guy where you electrocute yourself.

Operation. Operation. I got risk. Please don't spill the beans until I put the bean in my ear. And I forgot about it Christmas Eve. And I took it out like in May and shit. After my mom kept putting hot oil in there and saying, Sonak, I'll eat the runner.

We get to the hospital. There's a bean in my ear. She just started smacking me, right? The doctor's over. You son of a bitch. I thought you had a tumor in your fucking ear. There's a fucking bean the whole time. What game did you say risk?

Yeah, risk. Isn't that really complicated, hard one? Yeah, it's like where you got to take over territories? I never did that. Yeah. We had it, but it seemed too hard. I like anything that you... I even thought about it.

If my vision was a little bit, I'd go buy a model. I'd start with like a, like, a very... Avengers or something like that. Something on the simpler note, something that a guy would be standing and have the little stand. Then you have to come back and paint it. That's what I liked when I was a kid. You know what's cool you might get into is Legos are really intense now. Like you'll buy like a kit and it's almost like putting together a puzzle.

Like you'll be like, all right, you have to make the Death Star from Star Wars, you know? And it's just you're trying to figure which part goes together so you can build this picture of it. So it's kind of like puzzle mixed with pot. Here's the problem. I need a distraction. Right now. Right now. I need, you know what I'm saying? Right, right, right. I wish I could go collect comic books all over again. I collect stamps and get bugs from other countries and shit like that.

Look at his poor bastard. Look at him. He's falling asleep behind the wheel. He's the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. I don't know how you do this, Lee. You're a tough cookie, man. I could not party like you. And Joe. I mean, do you like, do you like spend like days just sleeping in between podcasts?

No, he doesn't let me. I'm doing jit-to. Oh, that's right. You're doing kettlebells. Yeah. How's that going along? I like kettlebells a lot. Yogi Steve's really cool.

Jiu-Jit-Zill that's growing around me. You're working out there, red band. Yeah. I'm not doing, you're doing jihitsu? Yeah. Do you like it? Or is that like rolling around with other guys kind of No that's not the problem

It's just super hard It's just like I'd rather just be on the elliptical watching a movie again But it's better that I do it too Yeah I'll just periscope and read up people making fun of me the whole time You know If I have to Talk to him

And I talk to Diagostino And I talk to a lot of young kids at the club And you ask them, how old are you? You know, and you get to like them and you ask them a question. I know George Perez for sure. I don't know about you, Brian. I know George Perez for sure. You were raised on the streets.

Yeah. When I'm talking about the streets, I'm not talking about people throwing arrows at you. I'm talking about getting up at 9 in the morning and playing stickball and playing two-hand touch. I'm talking about a simple kid's life. I don't know if anybody has that. Have anybody had that in this room? Yeah, I did. And I'm talking pre-drugs, pre-any of that nonsense.

Really, when you went to the movies together with six kids and you went to a sporting event or you went and bought an album with six kids, but the whole thing was you were outside breathing and getting air and doing something, you know. I don't know how to play outside. Even, yeah, towards the end you took bricks and you put leaves around them

and you put them in the middle of the street and a car would hit it and you run away. You know, you learn how to be machievous, but that's part of the American way. Everybody growing up expected for their window to be broken in a suburbia. What are you talking about? You know, you threw a rock.

You're outside playing baseball in front of the house. Your mom comes down and goes, Brian, please. Not in front of the house. The windows. And you're like, Mom, I'm not even hitting it over there. Guess what? Next bitch.

But bam! There goes your front. fucking window. Now you've got to work it off. You got to go more the lawn for 18 weeks, pick up the glass. That's what I'm talking about. That used to happen in America where people broke your fucking window, playing baseball, kid, or, you know, something that you go walk, you go on the streets, you don't see this no more. It destroys my insides, because that's your basic instinct. Now you have to put your child on a special after-school program to be around other kids just to learn what you're supposed to really learn on the natural.

You shouldn't have to learn this in an after-school program, how to mingle. When I go down, I drive down Kofax, and I see those kids from North Hollywood High. And those kids look like little thugs. But guess what? North Hollywood High is rated one of the highest high schools in the country for fucking programs. I mean, it's fucking amazing. But the kids are out. There's a donut shop.

It's like Arnold's. You know, they have a place. They have a yum yum donuts. Then they have a cheese. Cheeseburger place. Going that cheeseburger place at 3 o'clock, I dare you. Taking out, they get a fucking hamburger. It's a bunch of kids in there.

The kids sneak around. They smoke cigarettes. They got a little semblance there. Where we hang out and get coffee, there's a couple of young kids that hang out there and get coffee, and they smoke cigarettes. But for the meantime, these fucking streets are bare, guys. They're fucking bare. There's no more kids out there. Do you think it's just an L.A. thing?

Because I know where I grew up, we lived in, like, a little neighborhood. and all the kids. We play kick the cans and all that shit. Because I'm talking about like Lee. Lee don't like going out. Yeah. I got to beg Lee to get out of the house. If I didn't come into Lee's life, Lee would go to work, stay home,

and then go somewhere Friday with his friends and have a few drinks. But in his heart, he can't wait to be home because he knows he could stop at Taco Bell. And he could get the whole fucking Shabang home and just sit there with his feet up like a doctor. Lee's a king. But Lee will stay home. home ever since I met him I'm trying to get him out of the fucking house he's a 27 year old kid Tell him what you were doing at 27 how you were living I see how you're living at 41 I remember about you were living at 27 on the road with us

Getting thrown into different situations, you know getting dumped by the girl the dog the first one going back the other one This is life least days in I just try to get him out of the house you gotta get out I go get to get to the cat He goes to 24-hour fitness. He sits in the corner by himself on a fucking eucalyptal. He watches a movie while he's on the use of whatever the fuck he's on. He doesn't even live life. Since I met him, all I asked him is go out and live life with some. You hang out with a 52-year-old fat ex-felon who's a comedian.

Go get some friends to the 27th. He's not a druggy league. He likes his little fucking star and we get smoked on the hash. He loves it because it's his favorite activity like mine. What do you do? after you smoke weed. You go eat and you go home like a fucking doctor. Who's better than that?

Listen, at the end of the day in my world, I don't give a fuck what you do, snort and glue, eating fucking strip his asshole. Nothing's better than stop them getting three tacos than going home. Nothing. And taking your shoes off,

throwing them on the floor and going, God damn, it feels good to be a gangster. And you look at your pack of cigarettes and you got enough for the, you got three for tonight and one for breakfast to get you back to 7-11. That's the struggle, bitch. I'll call Lee on a Friday.

He stays in until Sunday. No sunlight. You got to do a hobby. Got to get a hobby that's outside. He don't want no hobby outside. His hobby is the couch. And watch a bad TV and Netflix. That's his hobby.

Yeah, and that's what I like. Fuck it. I'm kind of like that. I'm like that too, but not when I was 27. That was my dream at 27. to man, someday. I'm going to be able to stay in every night and watch fucking TV and he...

Your dream has come true. If you're single, though, you're out more, right? Well, yeah, I would. I would be. Hell no. Hell no. He would be in every fucking night watching computer videos and Jew's Jew music, people jumping up and down in Israel and shit.

Tell me more about these computer videos that you sing to watch. I don't know. I don't know what he thinks I do all that time. They're like in the whole video, like 10 minutes There's so many hours So when you sit there When I call you at 8 in the morning

I call you back at 2 I call him at 8 with talking I'm about to make breakfast And I call him at 2 I'm like, what are you doing? Oh nothing getting together ready Getting ready to leave Getting ready to leave

Yeah I talked to you at 8 It's 2 in the afternoon Yeah You didn't get rid You didn't leave yet? No What are you doing those six hours?

Make breakfast Okay, so. That's 10 minutes. Yeah, you watch a little TV, you go and you take a shower, maybe pack a t-shirt, I don't know. Take a personality test. Yeah, take a personality test. Jerk off.

I don't know. I don't know. Do you like sleep? How many hours a day do you get a sleep? I don't get enough because he fucking, for a year and a half, 7 a.m. 7.30 a.m. So now I just naturally wake up at that time. Wow.

You know, it is good. I think waking up early is one of the best things you could possibly ever do. So I call it before in the morning. If I wake up before the morning. That's insane. If I wake up. If you're going to start to wake you, no, you're not. Why would you call me a four in the morning if you're starting to wait me to talk to me about nothing?

I wake them up and talk to them by Jews. How they have to be strong and Jews don't sleep. You should be over there fucking counting 20s and looking out the window. And I said, good night. He goes back to bed like us thinking, what the fuck just happened to me? I went to Emerson College. I got a nice family. I got this guy calling him before the morning, talking about Jews, and how they got to be strong.

That's so funny. Oh, my God. Lee, are you ticklish? Yes. May I, Joe? No, no, no, don't tickle him. Don't tickle. I don't have a nervous breakdown.

You have no idea. Do you, uh, do you, uh, do you, uh, do you, uh, do you, uh, do you, uh, do you, uh, do you, uh, do you, Did you, I mean, do you? I tried the lead joke last night. It didn't work. I didn't say it right. What's the lead joke? About my friend that came over for Christmas.

Oh. And we were watching the thing, history of Christ. And we got high. And he got up and said, oh, my God, turn that off. I can't believe my people did that. No. You said that. It was too much.

It was too much. It was Christmas Day. Why do you have this on? They're putting things on his head and blood's coming out. I put the thorns down and they just pushed it down. I was like, what the fuck are you watching with your little daughter? The past. The Christ?

No, it wasn't even passionate. With the history of Jesus on CNN. Yeah, CNN. Fucking seeing Jesus getting beat up. And he gets me fucking high with hash. And then we were watching it. I didn't know what was on. It was interesting.

And also, they start beating Jesus. And I'm looking at him. He's getting redder and shit. He's like folded. And also he got up. He goes, you got to change this. This is freaking me on. Why are they doing this to Jesus?

they put thorns on his head and shit it was fucked up it was pretty emotional it was great I laughed my ass If it makes you feel any better Jesus was probably black Jesus was Jewish Okay Hold on

Didn't people say Jews killed Jesus Jews didn't kill Jesus Did they? Yeah they roughed them up They took a I don't know They tell us that we didn't

No because he came back to life A couple days later you're... That's a... Listen, let me give some shout out. Steve Carmen. Brandon Crow. Hey, Brandon.

Carrick, Loomis, my man, David Christensen, Amy, Jarvis, Mino, King Connor, James Andres, Jose Colazo and shit. And my main man

holding it down over there, Nyak, Andrew Nandau. The fuck you think you're dealing with. Now, you guys are telling me something really,

fucking interesting that I thought was interesting when you were telling me when one home I thought it was more interesting. You two guys are doing shows and you're doing a couple shows around the country together at different clubs. Yeah. You're doing late shows because Dana Carvey does the earliest show. Which dog, let me tell you something, man. Dana Carvey, you know, what's that? Remember Joe Rogan likes those people? Who's not the fuck with?

The Wu-Tang Clan? Oh, yeah. Dana Carvey ain't nothing to fuck with. He's amazing. Yeah. Dog, I saw him do a young comedian special, and he fucking saved the show. You know what was on that show? Jud Appleton.

Eat in depth. It's on HBO right now. It's all 1994-95. Nick DePaolo was on there, hilarious. Sorry, people, but who saved that show? Was that boy right there? After that, I had a complete different respect from it. Yeah, I mean, if you think about it, Wayne's Road, Alone.

man that that character he's like a huge star he's a bad motherfucker yeah yeah hero i saw wayne's road i was a projectionist when wayne's world came out and when it first came out that was like something i've never seen before it was just so fucking funny and it had you know tea carrera or whatever name is and you know that hot asian chick and i've watched that uh movie almost 80 times because i would just watch the whole things because at work you're allowed to do that and that was too i was too short to be predictionist really yeah because it's three-stack Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, dad said, I recant the statement that Santa Night Live wasn't funny. Those things he used to do with the other guy, Wayne's World. Mike Myers, yeah. Mike Myers, those were pretty funny. Yeah, I think I just, pretty funny. I really enjoyed those. I fucked up there last week when I said about that comedy, because I like those sketches. I like him.

I'm a fan of his. And his George Bush was dead accurate at the time. His preacher, the lady. church chat So whatever it was Isn't it special? Yes All that shit

I really like that I really Yeah But I'm telling you He was doing voices He was doing bits And he was natural I like when I see a sketch guy

But he could do stand-up That makes my dick hard A lot of them try to do Fucking stand-up And they eat dick They reach too far S&L guys Yeah they reach too far

But he fucking knows Like it's like he knew Somewhere along his career He was the house mc something he learned how to put that into a smoothness as a host and bring up comics and outshine them that's fucking special to me that's that's that's just so so he headlines one show a night yeah so the early show yeah so the improv because i think it shows like at seven or something like that so they said why not have why have a dead an early night you know so that we're doing

the death squad show there umbrea uh january 22nd and the 20th through their 20th So this is this weekend? This weekend. So you guys open from an early show or no? No, no, no. You're just two separate shows. Yeah, two separate shows. And then so they just had a spot open.

And then we're doing it also in San Jose pretty soon. The week after I'm there. Yeah, the week after. March 16th or 18th or something like that. And Dana Carvey is also doing early shows that night. So it's cool. It's like, yeah, it's awesome. Hey, listen, you create an opportunity, a window for yourself.

you fucking get out there. Talk to people. Shake some hands. You got George Perez in the motherfucking house. Yeah, fucking dropping your mama credits and shit. And fucking, we did the show together, whatever, locos, pocos. Whatever the fuck we were. Paiasso comedy slam.

How you doing, buddy? Not great. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. I'm worried about you over there looking at me with red eyes like I did something to you. What happened? You want me to turn off the light?

No. Then what's going on? You want a periscope your mom So she could see With your little fucking Cripp shirt on Look at you Can you see visuals at all

He don't see none He's okay Let's see nothing Or smoke some more dope To calm me down a little bit Sure Always We eat some chocolate

Should I have this Yeah you can eat Whatever you want That's like I'll put you into 750 roundly You'll be breaking the record On the church

But wait Wait did you come me down Oh yeah No, you're lying. Jesus Christ. That'll calm you down so much that you'll wake up tomorrow, holding on to that Ceylon pillow, staring at that pizza and picture of Clint Eastwood going.

Jesus Christ, I'm happy you were here last night. Shit was starting to get ugly. I'm happy you were here last night. Shit is already ugly. I've seen Puerto Ricans jumping out windows at 4 in the morning. Look at the shape. Lee, I'm telling you, this is the church of what's happening now. Yeah.

We thought he was going to come down here tonight There was going to be a tiptoe through the park. Put the music on for us. Put the phone music on for us. This is how Lee feels right now. Show him how you feel, Lee. Give me the blue apron, Lee. That's how Lee feels right now and shit.

Give me a favorably. Let me get on YouTube behind you here for my men. George Perez wanted to see something. When he first came into the show tonight, he asked me a pretty interesting question that we had discussed on the podcast once before. I must have gotten a hundred fucking people who hit me up after that asking me, what album is it on? Yeah. I don't know what album is on. It's called.

Turn on. We ready? What is it called? Turn on the big thing, then. The moving picture screen. Yeah, the picture screen. I know what you're talking about. You don't fucking know.

You had to tell me what they're over. You don't tell me what to search. Jesus Christ. I live in fucking Wayne's world. You'm telling you. You said, here it is. And then tell me what to type in. What size is that TV?

Big. In fact, you're around Thursday. You know, you're that. We're moving Thursday so we need all the empty bodies. You're kind of come by or smoke something. You guys will be in Breyer. Oh, yeah. You don't want Thursday night.

Thursday, I'm doing Soul Assassins. podcast with Ernie G from Cyprus Hill Are you really? Yeah Look at you You bad motherfucking George

No You listen to Lee I was listening to some G.I. Joe I was just wanted to see that little twinkle in your eye No My G.I. Joe fetish left years ago After my mom shook me down

It was over What's going on, Lee? You turned off the service You fucked up Fucked up Fucking Okay Um,

I, George. And we're doing, kill Tony tomorrow night. Oh, that's right. Yeah, tomorrow. 8 o'clock.

8 o'clock. And a clock. Did you watch Tony's new special? It's on Netflix. I know. It's on Netflix. He was out last week to promote it. Did it make the front page and everything?

Uh, I don't know. I watched it, though. It's good. It's fun. Cool. He does it in all one shot,

which is neat. It's like a... Now, aren't you on it, Joey? Just the beginning. I just brought him up. He needed me to go up there and, and, uh,

That's dope. Say what's happening. You know, you gotta do that for people. And sometimes it reaches across, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes it just to. Lee, does that TV look really weird to you right now? Wow, that's cool. Yeah.

Are we searching for Joe? What brother? Benny Moray, B-E-N-N-N-N-Y, M-O-R-E. YouTube yeah I know keep going keep going keep on keep on keep on I don't know if you got this one but that one you're up right there that one right there click on to that let's see it what comes out that's a bad motherfucker right that's my grandmother

I'm I got to say papo gus when I went to Mexico and via Benny Mori We'll sell you a cruise and shit. We're talking about the Cuban single name Benny Murray. Usenato said was a savage and shit.

We discussed this on here before. He was in Mexico. Pelletraud, see, and watch this fucking, you know, what's

you have a for a your orchestra, and you, and more and her orchestra. Watch this fucking John Jones looking motherfucker.

Look at what a fucking orchestra was in Cuban, the 50s, that's why people going down it. Are you? Kid me or what? Hit it Lee. There you go. Look at this motherfucker.

You were down there for the weekend. This ain't Vegas. This is a fucking party, Jack. Now, he's conducting. His thing is conducted. Nobody does that shit. That's how strong he was, George. He was fucking torturing these motherfuckers.

There he goes, George. Right there, right in front of conducting. Everybody. Get in line. We're going to bust these motherfuckers open. Wait, thank, George. Damn, motherfuckers were tied, dog. They're all point.

Goly, God's sucking. All right, it's okay. You can admit it. The last thing anybody wants to do after work or after a long day out there schlopping around is wait online at the grocery store and then schlep home and cook some meal that you don't know what the hell you're doing.

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and you're mad because you can't figure out the six numbers. Start with alpha brain. You need a key, dog. Hold on one second. Give them a key, leave boom, boom, psiatico. Anyway, before I was really interrupted. No, I'm just, you're cracking with you. Go to honor.com right now slash church and get 10% off your first order.

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and don't forget to see my brother Red Man Friday and Saturday with George Bras. These are two great guys, man. If you're in Braya, I'm also in Braya at the middle of March. That's a great club. That's my home club. That's what the party started. So I'm looking forward to going to Bray and the great crowns. What's up, Red Bank.

What's up, boo? Good to see you last night. The star is starting to kick. Yeah. Your eyebrows are starting to get bushy. That's how I know when you're high. Your eyebrows are starting to get bushy. I need to get work on.

Do you get your eyebrows trimmed or mansions? When you go to the barba, you give her the extra fucking five, and she does z-z-z-z-z-z-and-she does your nose hairs, but then I have the stuff at the house that's kind of scary, but... I just noticed I have nose hair for the first... I don't know, I have to go here to your tumor. You know what the worst is the ear hair, because you will completely forget about ear hair, and then one day they're just like reaching there and there's like a guitar string in there. Oh, my fucking guitar string in your ear. And you're taking pictures of people and rubbing up against them. They're like, oh, you had a good time tonight.

Great. Let me rub my fucking... My fucking ear in your ear, my ear wax in your ear, whatever the fuck it is. Lee, what's going on, my brother? You're feeling good? No. Good. Now, when is this podcast that you do, brother?

Talk to me about this new podcast. So I just started... First off, this is long overdue. You've been fucking up for a long time. Yeah. It's time to take your assault into your own hands. Right. And fuck these bitches up.

And there we are. Yes, it's a new podcast called What Brian Redband Do. And it's just typical podcast style. but the first three months, I'm going to try to lose 40 pounds. So I'm trying to have like a little thing to the podcast, like a challenge that I constantly do throughout the podcast, you know, see if I can lose 40 pounds. I already lost 15 pounds since January 1st.

You're looking at slim, Jim, but go look at you. Are people doing it with you? Yeah, a lot of people are really cool. Yeah, it's kind of cool. And I had Sage Francis on recently, who's a really cool person. And I just had the, you know, the robot? from the Late Late Show. I don't have you ever watched the Late Late Show.

The robot guy is this guy. He's super funny. Let me get. Jesus Christ Almighty. You say I got a deal with? You say I got to deal with it? Right now you're going to have a hot wax on you. Some chick comes in and whips you.

You ever have a hot wax on you? No, no. Oh, yeah. No. Nobody's ever throwing hot wax on your back and let you eat the asshole. No, what is how wax do? I don't know.

It just burns your back. I wonder if George could feel his forehead. What happened to it? I was holding in a piss from like... Two hours ago. Yeah. A soldier. Did you wash your hands and shit?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. His keys are all fucked up. He's got those little Jewie fingers and shit. Fucking pee on it. I had stars. Those stars are strong. Yeah, that's the whole point.

I've never had one of those before. And this chocolate's even going to be better. You were looking at another one. You go, you know what? I'm so hungry I'll eat it Just because it's so sugary I love this shit This is a good little star

Hey you want to take a bite of this? No I'm good We'll take a skateboard back home What was the last time You skateboarded back to fucking La Casa No I would say like about six years ago I always hit those rocks And I fall I'm not like

When I was younger you could balance it But now you hit those little rocks With the cracks in the street Fuck that Lee you want a half of this No While I was talking about my podcast, I looked over at Lee and its eyes were rolled back in his head and I started freaking out. I appreciate it.

I would have to think you should eat that last thought to calm you down, me. Listen, guys, when I came up and I drew everything, the table, you should have seen this little face. It's a Sunday night. What is happening in the world that this is necessary? Like, we were going to do like an

acid podcast, but then I didn't even see him taking it. He probably didn't even do it. For me? Yeah. I took a hip before he came in. Who do you think? He always said before. This chocolate's delicious. You don't know what the fuck you're missing, Coxucker. Anyway, I want to thank George Perez and

I'm main band, Red Band, for coming on today. I want to thank Lisa. I am on any other dates you want to promote guys besides that one? San Jose and Brea Improv. You both be there and get tickets on Deadsquad.com. Desquad.tv. And just click on tour dates. I'll be in Charlotte next motherfucking weekend.

Charlotte's going to, thank God I'm not there this weekend. They're playing at home right against St. Louis. Yeah, they play at home. So I would not get a fucking person to come even think about seeing me. No. So I feel bad for you. ever in Charlotte this weekend, but I'll be there the weekend after. Then I'm at the St. Louis Helium Club downtown, I guess, in St. Louis.

And that's it. I love you, motherfuckers. And every Tuesday life in neutral with Johnny Rock. It's a new podcast. You bad motherfucker. On iTunes? Yes, sir. You bad motherfucker.

Don't forget. Thank you for the love and the support. Thank you for George Perez and my main man Red Band for the Sunday night roundtable. You bad motherfucker. Stay black. I have a blue apron. A what? A little apron.

sure you can have blue apron I like wearing an apron and no clothes on underneath it Really? It's like I'm wearing a little dress What's up, Lee? Everything alright That's blue apron

That's okay Good Good night What are they closing with? The B-52's Rock Louse The house How's that?

How's that? What's the Rock Lops? It's a fucking Monday night Motherfuss Monday morning Have a great day Keep your eyes open they're out there.

We was taking so long. What? A rock.