The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #349 - Sarah Tiana

Episode Date: January 21, 2016

Sarah Tiana, comedian and writer on the Comedy Central Roasts and The Burn With Jeff Ross, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 01/20/2016.
   Music:  Saturday Night Special  - Lynyrd Skynyrd Jolene - Miley Cyrus - " The Backyard Session's

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And the show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's Wednesday. January 20th. The day the devil got stabbed in the fucking neck. Oh, uh-oh.

Oh, shit. Get Lee going over there. This is so fucking good Like a black cat dude Jesus The church motherfuckers That song always gets me so emotional Why?

Because God took the wrong fucking people that day God fucked up that day It would have been a complete different game Would have been a complete different game in music The cars would have never existed After people in the 80s would never come out They were just getting stronger

and stronger and stronger and stronger. So Sarah Tiana's in the house. Sorry to get emotional off the bat about music. What's up, dog? Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, no, I'm fucking trying to put the pieces together. You are the official last guest in this office. I am.

Next time we'll see you. We'll see you in a new office that looks. I can't wait. Fancy digs. Beautiful. Oh, yeah? I showed Lee, sent me a picture before. Holy shit.

Oh, yeah. New offices. And it's closer where you live to, right? I can walk over there. I love that. It's fucking tremendous. So I'm very happy. We got spotlights.

Whoa. Wow. It's like on 150 fucking Fifth Street. And it just gives it that rustic feeling. We have to kill somebody in there just to give it that fucking. I had a good week over there. It's been a lot of fun. I could tell.

I did Habitat for Humanity in high school. And I actually got to build houses. Now I'm just kind of like there to be there for the podcast because the guys who are helping as Kevin and his father-in-law are just so amazing. It's great. It's so nice seeing, like, I have no knowledge of that at all. So it's just, it's. You neither?

They're like masters, and I'm just sitting there, and, like, they were cutting the walls to put up. And it was, like, I know in theory, it's simply, you just measure here and do that. To me, it could be them going, building a spaceship. I have no idea how to do any of it. To me, it's the hottest thing that a guy can ever do is. like build something. And I feel like guys now, you know, they only have calluses on one hand, not two, from like not knowing how to build nothing.

But my dad, my dad was like that. My dad could just look at something and then build whatever it was. Like he built me like a desk in high school for my artwork because I did like one painting or something. You know, like so he would just build anything. To this day, he's like, oh, I want to build a deck here. So then he'll just build a deck. It's amazing.

I know what I'm doing, but I'm one of those guys that's scared. I did so much construction work as a child as a young man That I know what I'm doing pretty much I know if I built it I'd fuck up in some places Yeah But at least I'd be in the neighborhood But I feel like you're a guy that could fix it if it was broken Yeah like I don't mean like build things from scratch

But I feel like guys like even just you seem like you could fix something Like if like you know plaster up a wall if they're if you punched a hole in it In my house my wife does all that shit. My wife builds shit and fucking TV stands and she put the curtains up in here. So because she does that I've like sat back.

Yeah. But I'm the type of guy like I get pissed off. You know, somebody it's really weird how we became stand-up comics. If you really think about how the fuck you became stand-up comics it's by either saying, I could do that or I could be better than him. Okay? That's

the beginning to any career. You know, you watch a lawyer work at a courtroom, and you're like, you know what, I could fucking do this. I can defend people. You know, it's law school. That's a motherfucker, but you still do it. I'm one of those guys. Like, I could do anything. Just give me a week. Yeah. To get confidence, and I could do it. Like, I'll tackle it. There's some shit. Like, I have no aptitude for fixing a car. Yeah. But if I had, I could change duo. Yeah. I could change a flat. You know what I'm saying? I know how to put that shit Bondo on a car and buff it out and fix the dent. So it's like a Port of

freaking fucking whatever. You know, it doesn't look great. But I'm one of those guys. I can at least get it to work. When you're a road comic, when you do the triple runs, like, you're really lucky. Like, I started in Denver. So people had put it into me, like, you got to do those triple runs. Yeah.

There was a point that I saw Stanhope on the road. And I looked on his car. We were talking about something. He goes, come on, we'll go eat together. And I got in Stanhope's car. And there was no room for nothing. Stanhope had a pole in his back where he hung his clothes. Wow.

And he was living on the road. And I said, you know, in my mind, that was the only way to get good. So I copied Stanhope. And I basically, I had everything in that car. I was telling somebody the other night that the axle broke in that car. Has anybody's axle ever fucking broke? I know. You have no idea.

The axle broke when the tire kept popping. So I pulled over and then I changed the flat and then a couple more miles. The tire would fly. And then I had like this fucking fixer thing. So I put it in the one. It was a horror show. I didn't know. I couldn't fix that.

But the radiator kept blowing up. I had that stuff you buy for $3 that you put in your radiator and it seals the fucking thing. I mean, you learn how to adapt. You know, duct tape is your friend. You know, you learn, like, you go to place and they're like, listen, if you buy the whole case, it's $82. But if you buy this, it's $69, and the cops won't pull you all. You know? All right.

Let's do that because I'm only making $80 a show. You only making $85 a fucking show. And they give you $50. The $35, they mail it to you two weeks later. So you got to make it to the next town on $50 fucking dollars. Gas. And that includes gas. No, they pay for the hotel.

Oh, that's good. Okay. So what would you do? Would you get home after a few months and just have $40, $30 checks? I'd have a thousand fucking, no, no, because you did four nights, five nights a week. So you get $150 in the mail. You picked up $250 there and $150 in the mail. So you basically have $400 a week for $5 a week.

shows. And then when you start headlining, you make a little bit more money, I used to co-headline for Tribal. And then I think one time he called me and I went back and just did a regular triple run for, I loved them. But I had everything I owned in that car and everything that could go wrong in my life. I could fix with what I had in that car. I had a football. I had a frisbee. I had a baseball. I had a bat. I had everything you needed. A sleeping bag, a blanket, you know, water in the back. I had cans of soda just in case shit got fucking bad in the middle night and I had to pull over. I had a beer in case I got coked up and I

just had to pull over and have a beer and whack off. I had everything in that fucking car that you could possibly have. That's pretty specific. Pull over, have a beer and whack off. Well, being honest to you, what the fuck? Is it crazy sleeping in your car the first time?

Like when I, like, when I speak, talk to Tommy or just think about like sleeping in your car, like, in a rest stop. I mean, at least in a truck, you have like a bed and something like that, like that must be fucked up. You ever sleep in your car? I slept in a couple times.

But not out of like desperation out of like I'm too drunk to drive. Okay. That's a different. No, I lived in my car when I lived in 98. I lived in my car in front of Josh Wolf's house. Oh, yeah. And I would run up and take showers. But I slept in that car.

Thank God I had air conditioning. I popped the sunroof. I put the seat all the way back. I put a little blankie poo on me. I had the side of the stars. Wait, didn't you have to leave the car running then? For a little while. So I would fill it up at night and fucking just go there.

And all night, the car would be, God forbid. And then the car, the road car I had in Seattle, finally the exhaust broke. That's how that car came to an end. That car, I had that car from 98, no, I had that car from 94. And I mean, guys, banging it guerrilla style, going from Denver to Baltimore and back every two weeks, just changing all. It was a Dotson or something. It was a B-210 or something, Ford door. Those cars don't blow up.

How much do you miss that car? With all my fucking heart. With all my heart. I've seen, you know, when you go to Denver, Douglas Toyota, they have Toyota in the showroom that hit a half a million fucking miles. Those Chinese engines, like those engines, all you have to do is change all. Those four-cylinder engines, all you have to change all, bro. Not a lot of power.

But for a road car, you get great mileage and the engine will go. $200,000 is when it gets warmed up. Wow. That's when those Toyota engines get warmed up. Love it. Nissan, the old Dotson, B-210, 2000. You're just waking it up. Amazing.

Yeah. So what was it like, though? Because when I just gave up my car, I didn't have as many memories as you did. And I got kind of emotional thinking about the last three years in life. I just bought a new car in July. And it's kind of weird, right? Yeah, I cried when I left my old car. I had it for 10 years.

I paid it off. It was like my first big splurge on myself, you know, first new car I'd ever owned. So you bought it brand new? I bought it brand new 10 years ago, yeah. It was like the first brand new car I ever bought. And then, yeah. So I was like, it was hard. It was a Kia that's Korean engine.

It like came with 100,000 mile warranty. I mean, I put like so many miles on that car. Never, never broke down, not once. I mean, you really want to buy an American car to go on the road in the beginning. But you're broke. Yeah. Okay? And if you break down somewhere, you're fucked.

You're fucked, bro. Especially when you're making $400 a week. So that car has to be like, I treated it like gold. I put medium gas in it. The body looked like death. I mean, at the end, after I welded the fucking thing that popped, at the end, the CV joint went. And even then, the fucking, I hit a car and the thing fell out.

I was driving that car with the fucking guts hanging out. And the cops wouldn't pull me over. It wasn't until I got arrested and I didn't make bail that they towed the fucking car. And then I came down here and got another dots and something like that. And that one I got towed because I didn't have the registration for it. So I kept getting tickets. The registration expired eight months after I bought it. The girl wouldn't fucking call me back.

I couldn't get the registration. I applied for the registration. We can't help you unless she calls in and signs over the other registrate. You have no fucking idea. And that one, I was in my girlfriend's house taking a shower in Van Nu. I'm like, because Hollywood police would look for that car every day to give me a ticket. No. They would go out of their way.

Like, they didn't give a fuck. Another day without, that ticket. That car had like $10,000 on it. I don't even know what happened to it. I never paid a fucking dime. That shit disappeared, Jack. That's a gangster right there. I guarantee that girl got a fucking letter in the mouth.

Oh, yeah. Because she didn't change over the registration. You see? So one day she went to buy an air conditioner on credit. And they're like, bitch, you owe $10,000 a ticket to Los Angeles. How the fuck you're going to live with that? Don't call Papa now. When I was calling you, you weren't calling me back and shit.

Now you get what you deserve, cucketka. Oh, my God. She does get what she deserves. That's so beautiful. I love it. It's amazing when shit was still computer changing. Like, you guys were too young. I got away with murder.

Tickets. I got a ticket once in Idaho for doing like 200. on the way home from not Boise, but from where, what was the quarterback before Tom Brady? Blito. Where he went to college. Go see where he went to college. Moscow, Idaho. And they have a Wednesday and a Friday.

Lysayat, if you went there one time, you beg to come back with me and eat out of business. Why? Because when you're on stage as a feature act, to fuck the feature up, it's cute. They send you tequila with Tabasco. in it? No. Brain farts or something, prairie dogs or something like that. One night I was in my room.

The room was spinning and all I remember is holding on to the sink and just fucking barthing my brains out. As a feature act, it was a nightmare. Tequila, we'll do that to you. Tequila with shots of Tabasco. It's called a prairie dog or something like that. And they would keep sending them. And when you're rocking and rolling,

just not for the third shot with adrenaline, you're like, and you start doing them, doing them, doing them. And you start doing them, doing them. But once the adrenaline goes down, that tequila creeps up on you and that room started fucking spinning up a storm. Where do you go to school blood? Northern Idaho. Oh, I thought you already knew. And that drink's

called a prairie fire. Play fire, see? Something like that. Oh, the drink is called. Yeah, I thought it was a prairie dog. Now, what? You have such a good memory. I don't know how you would do all of that. That was the fucking, the first guy I did that room with. I did a, that's amazing how comedy works. You went to Washington State. Code you, who the fuck you think you're doing? So it was right

over the border there, because I saw him at the airport there one time. I did an open mic on. day. I called John Fox. He said he had no cancellations. Then I got a call for me. He goes, the feature canceled. So I drove with a cat named Vince Valenzuela, who's still in, he's in LA doing comedy now, good kid, and we drove. And that's the first time I ever drank one of those prairie fucking farts. And they sent like 16 to you, and then if you break the record, you're like the best feature. They keep requesting you. But every time they bring you back, they got to drink. You got to drink 15 fucking pealas. Oh, my God. But one day on the way home door, I got a ticket

doing like 92 till this day mm-hmm it's just a fucking beat some states don't send it like I got one in New Mexico

and they just don't send it to other states thank God yeah like I yeah I've done that before like toll roads and stuff you know where I didn't pay

or something well that back in the day in California yeah I got it sent to me it went from five to like 50 uh huh

really quick I got a $91 ticket on the Lord's day the other day in front of the weed store because I pulled over and the guy

as I was coming out I go, it's the Lord's Day. I wasn't even angry. Yeah. I was having that type of day. Yeah. It was just fucking the disaster of a day. So I wasn't even hang.

I go, it's the Lord's Day. You gave me a ticket. The guy turns out. I goes, Joey, I'm so sorry. I go, I ain't mad at you, bro. What did he be your ticket for? Because there was a pole that said, don't park him beyond the pole. And I parked beyond the pole because the fucking douchebag behind me parked over.

Yeah. He didn't give him a ticket. And I said, now for nothing, I ain't a crime stopper. You got to get this fucking guy a ticket. So he gave the guy a fucking guy. fucking ticket, so we both got tickets. I'm not a crime stop, but this guy ain't parking right. That's why I'm fucked up.

It's the worst. People are the worst here. I mean, you live down in Hollywood. Yeah, I have street parking too. Oh, no. When people don't park perfectly, like, far enough back, and then it takes up two spots instead of one. It's my biggest pet peeve in the whole world.

I put little notes on there when you think I'm kidding. Then what do you say? The next time I'll blow this fucking thing out. No, you don't. You should say that. Yes, I fucking did. People need to be told. Yes, I fucking did.

There was a truck of my neighbor three weeks over the holiday. He thought it was fucking cute. Every time I went out of night, whatever I bought for dinner, like on the way back from 7-11, like usually you stop. You get a water. I get like a V-cigarette. I'll get like a U-hoo or something. I'll drink and throw the fucking cup in the back of the car. When he came back from where he came back, there was a ton of shit in his fucking car.

And I left the note. The next time you leave your fucking car here, I will blow it up. I will. I tell everybody I'll blow it up or I just put a scratch in the motherfucker and that's the end of that fucking car. Don't you feel like people just keep doing that stuff because no one's like confrontational anymore? Like no one ever says anything. Well, nobody said a couple weeks ago there was two girls. Yeah.

Okay. And I pulled up and they saw my wife and the fucking baby and they refused to like, I'm going to park right here. I said, listen, I don't care if you parked there. Just moved the car back. I finally had to fucking stick my head out and go move it the fuck back. Like they thought they were being assholes for no. reason. You've got a whole car link behind you. You know those people like

it ends here. This is where the fucking garage ends. Instead of parking here, these fucking measly cunts parked here. Yeah. So now nobody can park there. I pulled it in and go, move it to fuck back. Yeah. Move it to fuck back. They think they're being smart.

And they were like, oh, what if we don't? How about I blast this? I take the baby out. And I fucking crawl over you with this four-wheel drive Subaru. Test me, motherfucker, today. Test me today. Go ahead. I dare you. Or do yourself a favor. I won't get out of this car. I'll drive this car

and I'll wait for you to get out of your car. And when you're at work and the train, I will flatten all four your fucking tires. And let me tell you something. When you're going to fucking work and then you get out of train to come home and at the end of the night you find your four fucking tires because there's no relief from that. You got to walk, get a cell phone and call 9-1-1.

A flat you could fix. Four motherfuckers? You ain't going to work, manana for being a cunt. And that's what I do to people. I fucking You think I'm fucking with you. I leave little notes. I'll take cat shit out of the fucking the cat litter box and I put it on the door handle. Great. You think I'm kidding your dog.

You get cat shit in your hand and open up your fucking car door. Listen, you'll have to drive with your hand out the fucking window. Do you understand me? I love it. I fucking torment. But the reason that those girls do that is because nobody in the past has ever said anything. So until you say something, then all of a sudden, they're going to be very aware next time. When I was a kid, we lived on 35, 15, given that terrace, and we had our own driveway.

But it didn't matter. In my stepdad's world, that parking spot in the house belonged to him. I can't tell you how many nights I got up, and he'd be sitting by the window watching. And I go, what are you watching? I was waiting for this guy to go in the house. I'm going to put fucking nails in the house. You don't know how many times people came back and found all four tires fly. He would put the nails perfectly, so when you drove, you lay.

Later on, you get a fucking flat. He did that to everybody until the word got out. The word got out. Nobody parked there. They could be fucking no parking spots in the neighborhood. Nobody would park there. So funny. He flattened everybody's fucking tires or he'd slash him.

It was fucking tremendous. Don't park in front of fucking people's houses. If you take the train, parked by the train, but you're such a cheap fuck you want to save the 50 cents. I can't tolerate that. When I come to my house by the neighbor and I see a Mercedes, oh, I scratch that. fucking right off the back. You want to be a, what are you? You're a fucking half of fucking young. What the fuck are you? Don't park in my neighborhood.

If you have a Mercedes or BMW, you better fucking have the cord of the park. And they're probably also the ones who are pulling forward to make sure no one else to park. Yeah, yeah. To protect their sweet. So I get my fucking jih Tzu bag and I get my key and I walk and you can hear the thing going.

Bro, I had my car key to hate that. What did you do? What did you do? I was parked in my spot. I don't know. Maybe I did something. My friends used to live in this Hasidic neighborhood and like down on La Brea on Detroit Street. And there was like that, you know, the Hasidics, like they were the same way. Like if you said they would paint the curb red so that you couldn't park in front of their house just so that they could always like. And they were so mean to my friends that we, to get back at them, started throwing like raging parties there on Friday nights because it's their observance and they can't call the cops.

So we would like like literally just be like banging on the floor. It's like nonstop. I was like, ah, you know, and they couldn't do nothing about it. See? That's how you got to get them. I mean, like, they're, you know, that was a tip for tip, but that was a good old days. People don't do that no more. The worst is neighbors. Like, when you have, like, a loud neighbor?

Well, yeah. You got to be respectful of, like, the people that you live next to. But if they're going to be disrespectful, there's only so much you can tape before you have to be like, all right. And I'm nothing to call them the cops. Oh, no. I don't call police. No. I just fuck with you.

Yeah. I just start fucking with you a little bit. That's it. Gets to go, where to that? Yeah. I just start fucking with you a little bit. And little by little, it wears and it wears and it wears and it wears until you just say, fuck it, I'm not going to make no more noise.

I have a neighbor who sings sometimes, like, really loud. Like, I think he's like a- Is it bothering you, though? At like 8 in the morning on a Saturday. He's not really wanting to hear show tunes. Oh, he's a gay actor. Yeah, I don't know if he's gay, but. Hello! Yeah, yeah, like, stuff like that.

And I don't, I don't want to. knock on the wall. Like that seems like an old man thing to do, but... Uh-huh. You can though. That's the first passive-aggressive thing that you can do, but you might... But it's still kind of aggressive. Like, I hate passive aggressive stuff. Like, I had a roommate who used to leave notes. And like,

it used to... My blood would boil coming home, so I don't want to be passive-aggressive about it. Well, I just bang on the fucking wall. Then you go, hey, shut up. Stop singing. There was these motherfuckers that kept parking and doing that, like parking four feet away from the handicapped spot to take two

spots and I left the know on their car next time, there won't be a next time. They never parked there again. See, that's like leaving a note in a way that's like the most surefire way of like making sure that people understand. The surefire ways to scratch their car.

Don't never fuck, they get it. You know what? I'll park the fucking train. You're right. I shouldn't get it. You know, it's like Rhonda Rousey, like I told you, when she was waking up in that coma she went into. She wasn't thinking about getting hit. She was thinking about all the fuck up. She'd think of all the fuck-ups.

You know, that's what you think about. All the times you did slip. It's like when you go on stage for like a big show and like, you know what, you've got a new joke and you use the other ones, but the night before and you get up there. And as you're bombing by the third minute, it's all coming to you, why you're bombing. This is why you're bombing. You didn't go out Tuesday. You didn't sit down with Lee and write that fucking joke how you were supposed to.

It's the same thing. You know, as they fucking walk in the car with that big thing. scratch or windshield blast it in or whatever or catch it on their fingers they go you're right I shouldn't park in front of people's fucking houses do you ever like look and wait wait for them to come home that's my favorite that's my favorite that's my favorite yeah that's the best part that's their reaction do they ever look at you like did you do it don't look at me I'm sitting by the couch they're scared to look at him with the baby in my own just running out the window waiting like a savage or you and I don't or I won't see him no more like I'll see him park for three days

in the back of that mind, I got this. That's when I nail them. Well, what about those times? Like, I've parked before where, like, I'm only parking in the wrong way because the person behind me did, and then it just creates this, like, and then I get a note. Then I'm like, but I just, I parked right as close to that guy as I could, you know? I get paranoid about that.

I'll be like, what if people think I'm a bad guy? Yeah, what do people think I'm the bad one that started this trend on the street because that guy parked in the middle, so now I had to park further up, and then it just creates this chain. I always try to park correctly. I always use blinkers. Yeah. I think blinkers are fucking rude.

I always use blinkers. There's little things I do when I drive that just... Like those people that are, like, you're parked at the red light, and then it's about to go, and then they turn their blinker on. It's like, no, no, no. You should tell everybody behind you that you had planned on turn and left before we started this whole long line. Right? That's like the guy. Some people just suck.

Some people just suck, you know? And I just try to do that when I drive. Like when I park, I park correctly. You know, sometimes if I go to like a meeting, I say, you know what? I got 10 minutes. Let me park a little farther. Just I get some exercise and get some sun and clear my fucking head. Because you're a considerate person.

And I feel like that. Not really. But that's the little things that bother me. No, just thinking about things. Like you go, oh, I wouldn't want someone to do this to me. So I'm not going to do it to that. But that's being considerate. Like that's it.

I pull up all the way to where I'm supposed to pull up. Yeah. You know, I give people space. I just do things, you know, like, and I don't even have a nice fucking car. Yeah, you don't always follow all the laws, but you respect the rules. Respect the rules. Yeah. You ever hear about, like, how some people, when they're doing job interviews, will go and see how people treat waiters and waitresses to see if, like, they would be, like, they're a good person?

Oh, I like that. I think that's a good thing, too. Like, if you, if you have, like, how someone drives or parks is, like, a really easy way to tell if they're a douchebair. Yeah. Just like no consideration for anyone else on the road. This is my world and everybody else just lives in it. I got to talk to you about something before we even move any further. Uh-oh.

Because it's funny from, no, no, no, it's not about you. You made that sound so serious. I want to get it from your perspective. I woke up the last two mornings to these little articles, and I didn't read them, but they're getting more and more about Amy Schumer. Uh-huh. What's going on? I didn't read them about she's a joke thief.

She is? I mean, they're fucking horrible. I didn't read the article. Wendy Leeven hasn't shut the fuck up about it. I follow Wendy. She hasn't shut the fuck about it to the point where I was going to say something like Wendy. Move on. Yeah, move on.

Move the fuck on. I love you. You're a great comic. And she stole one of the ones from her? But Amy, I guess Tammy Pascatelli's in town and Kathleen Madigan. I guess she went and stole old comics jokes. And now today they have video. Like somebody hit me up and said,

did you see they found video of, you know, but I thought Chris Rock directed the special. Yeah. Well, then they also said that about Patrice O'Neill, that she used one of Patrice O'Neill's show for special, too. So what's going on, Lee? Did you read any of this show? I can read it right now.

Yeah, read this shit because I don't know. Listen, I've seen Amy once perform since I've been here 20 years. I've seen her once at the improv. You know, I don't see her out, you know. I don't know the story. I don't know who she is. I know that sometimes, when people get popular, also when people want to take jabs of people.

But one jab is one thing, but when there's smoke, there's fire. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I also, like, sometimes I worry that it's, like, obviously, if she's having to create this much material at once, she has people helping her write, and you don't know if those riders took it. And not just her. That sucks dick, too. That sucks dick, too.

You know, what sucks dick? That she's has people writing for her and that the riders would seal. Well, no. Years ago, I used to do this whole bit on Coke. And one night I got on stage and this comic came up to me and say, listen, I got a good joke for you. Say that you're the only person who got fat on Coke that somebody cut your Coke with butter. And I started saying the joke. That's a great tag. Thank you.

And this guy, this comic girl is known as a writer kind of sort of. And I love it at that. I never really got mad at it for it. But six months later, I'm hearing from people that I stole this joke, that this guy's looking for me and shit. It was fucking tremendous. So I saw the guy one night at the Impra, and he tried to be tough with me. And I spit in his face, and they asked me to leave.

It was tremendous. Then I had to shoot a movie, and he was there. No. Yes, I did. I had to shoot Nick Watson's movie. And because this guy kept torturing me. Every time I'd see him out, he goes, you stole my fucking joke. you stole my fucking chook like a dog

somebody gave me that joke. Fuck you, he just didn't like me. And now he had a fucking reason. You know, this guy was a lot older. He was one of those guys that was really popular and they threw him out of the fucking store. So he got pissed off. Let's see the Kathleen Madigan one. You want to see that one? Yeah. Okay.

This will be interesting. Wow. I love Kathleen. Me too. This is one. Economy falling apart on Oprah. She ordered America. women to go out and buy things they could not afford. That's what I quit watching this show. The dichotomy in her shows was so ridiculous. On Tuesday, she'd come out and go, ladies, it's all

about Jimmy Choo's shoes. You got to have them. You need them. Your feet are going to fall off. You're going to have bunions in size of Montana if you don't get some Jimmy Choo shoes. Now, if you've never heard of them, they're about $500 or more a pair, highly impractical. Then the following day, the entire show would be about credit card debt. and there's always 40-somethings crying on the stage and she's just berating them ladies how did it get this out of hand you fucking told us

wind the tape chubby chubby chobstein I will believe it was you who brought mr chew into the conversation if I watch Oprah now I only like to watch it when it's a hard serious depressing topic because she has had so many giveaway shows in the past

when it's a hard serious depressing topic. When they pan the audience, you can see the look of sheer disappointment on those women's faces. Oprah comes out. Today's topic is abused women in India. Pan the crowd. What the fuck? Got my free hug boots, bitch. I stood outside and found out. There's some 900-year-lady from Wisconsin. Does this mean we're not getting a free Pontiac? Ponyac. That's a great word. I kind of went over the edge to with Oprah because of the magazine, because she puts herself on the cover every single month. I'm like, could you be more narcissistic?

How do you bring that up at the staff meeting without totally sounding like Hitler? Yeah, as far as the cover was gone, the idea is that I keep coming up with. Zaya of me. Every single month we will have a point of ground for me. Sometimes I'll be holding a basket of puppies for no reason. Sometimes I'll be painting a picture of me I didn't think you could get more narcissistic than that. Oh, yes, you can.

A few months ago. So where's the comparison video? You're following. What the fuck? Because she had this one of her fucking albums. She had a picture of her now, the super chubby Oprah. I just lived on a man. I think one of like a third album, the whole fucking road trip.

I just listened to her. It was fucking amazing. the seat. My people get hit in the head. Amy, you look amazing. What are you doing? Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig. Yeah, right.

Those take too much self-control. Last time I checked, I wasn't a robot. Boop, boop, boop. Nope. How did you do it? With Slap Chef. With Slap Chef. With Slap Chef.

What's that? I don't know if that's the same one. I don't know what this looks are the same. Oh, I see what they're doing. What? Okay, do this one. Wendy Leibman. Kathleen managed to jump in.

Maybe I'm all fashion, but I like it when the guy pays for sex. I mean that. Mm-hmm. I am a good person, I swear to you. Like, I'm very old school. I think the guy should always pay on the first date for sex. Wow. I don't know.

That's just one. I don't know. It's kind of hard. Like, I've... Well, the other ones were comparisons. Like, the one with ten times. Tammy Pasquitelli, it's probably one for train wreck. Like whatever idea she had.

Came from that joke? That's a whole slew of different riders, though. Like, if it's a sketch show, that's different riders. We'll try it. Let's see what she's saying. Tammy Pasquettelli, see, because it's train wreck and Tammy. So let's see what Tammy said. This one made it into the freaking trailer for her movie, Train Rec.

There's so much going on right now. Like women right now, you know, and I'll tell you the truth, as a woman, I will admit that women dress for other women. Right? That's why men, if we love you, we dress you for other women too. That's why we dress you stupid. Because we want another woman to look at you and go, he's cute, but I can't fix all of this. What do you think invented the Hawaiian shirt, okay? I know this from growing up with boys that a lot of things, pretty much, really, pretty much everything a man does is to see a woman naked. It's the truth. It really is. Right? I mean, you know it. You wake up.

That's why they have jobs. That's why they have homes. That's why they have cars. Just to see a woman naked. And you don't have to go through all that. You really don't. All you need to do is put a scale in your living room. Because there's not a woman alive who weighs herself completely dressed. I don't see.

Yeah, because I know the trailer. I saw the movie. Girls. Your mother and I are getting divorced. Monogamy isn't realistic. Monogamy isn't realistic. Again. Monogamy isn't realistic.

I didn't understand that word at the time. But now I know exactly what he was talking about. Saturday, I would love it if you were my date. I can't do that because he's like, you and I won't ever see each other again. I wake my play every morning. Money just cooling. Oh, morning. Oh, Amy.

What happened did church let out early? Ooh, I like Tom's sweater. Does he teach a computer in a church basement? Don't get all threatened just because you don't understand the concept of marriage. You dress them like that so nobody else wants to have sex with him. That's cool. Hey. Yeah.

Well, what do you think, Lisa? Yeah. You're a logical guy. I don't think that that is... That one, I think it's the same concept, but that wasn't... I don't think that... It wasn't the whole thing. Well, that was definitely not like a...

Yeah, like if I think thievery, I don't... think of like word for word bit that is like over a minute long just like a reference that's the same like I've heard that I've heard that before like I've heard that a thousand times like uh you know whenever I've I've never been like accused of a joke me and Christina Pizziske's to talk about this all the time because I'm like first of all I've never stolen a joke either but like people have said that oh my jokes similar to yours and I'm like it's just a reference that's similar like we both just say the word sketchers like you don't know all you own all jokes that talk about sketchers, you know.

But I do see people blatantly steal stuff, and then you just feel like so sorry for them because you're like, oh, that means you, like if somebody stole something for me, I could write another joke. And I'm confident in that. Even though, you know, and no one's going to take anything

when it's super precious to you, and it's very specific to you and who you are. Like, who could steal anything that you do? You know what I mean? Like, I just feel like my jokes are so specific to me and my own, you'd be stealing my life, basically, if you were to steal any jokes. So, but if somebody steals them, then you just go, oh, it sucks that you can't write a joke.

Like, I can always write another joke. It would suck, but I would feel more sorry for them than myself. Well, I get mad when people, listen, somebody steals your joke, you approach them. Like I'm mad. Yeah. You can't be angry. You go, listen, one of the jokes we do is similar. You know, if you say, I saw you at the fucking, oh, all watching me that night when I first did it or something, you know.

know I went to the fucking whatever one night and Bill Burr said you know he's talked about somebody and he goes this is where racist oh Kanye West and Bill Burr goes you know like what I was saying where's the racism that's why I never said that joke again really yeah Bill Burr said it I'm not gonna win yeah I'm not Bill Burr number one it wasn't working for me I wasn't saying it as good as Bill Burr. Did Bill Burr steal the joke? Not in a million fucking years. Did I steal the joke from Bill Burr? Not in a million years. And guess what what happened the next night? I saw somebody else

early. I went to the store early. I was doing something and somebody else used that reference. Now I never fucking did it again. Did he steal from Bill Burr? Fuck no. You follow me? It's just something now. I got to look at the joke that I'm doing and going, it's not working for me. It works 42% of the

fucking time. It works three and a half times out of 10. Fuck it. move on write another goddamn joke i'm not gonna sit down right a fucking whole thing about it i'll go up to you and approach you like a man if somebody calls you at home at midnight and go hey man i'm at the laugh actor somebody's doing your fucking bit you know three people fucking tell me and then one of them goes up to him and goes hey that's diaz's bit of so you know and again i don't know i came from a different cloth when it came to comedy yeah it was weird that where i came from to get into comedy.

So by the time I dove into comedy, I was like, I'm diving in like a human being. Like, I'm going to do this like everybody else. And I couldn't imagine taking somebody's joke or thought. Even as the criminal I was, I would take fucking lighters from 7-Eleven on Curzon. You know what I'm 11? I used to run.

Now they just put them back, and I'm thinking I'm going in there on the way home. I just hate that route. I'd rather hit the Laurel Canyon and just get home than go the 101 route. But if I was still crazy, And they got the NFL liners, which are my favorite. You know, the NFL lighters, they drove me crazy because I wanted every team.

It's like when you were a kid. Oh, you want the collection. When you go to fucking Carvel to give you the baseball team. But if you won eight times, you got the Kansas City Rawls. Now the helmet is good. But when you're a kid, who the fuck was the Kansas City Rawls? You wanted the Reds or the Yankees or the Mets? They never gave you those.

So the same thing happened with those lighters. When I first met my wife, I will have my wife call in here. I will have my wife call in here. And she'll say, Joey Dears had an obsession with lighters But she didn't get it It just wasn't lighters It was the NFL

The Bick lighters With the football team on it So I started as a joke I started taking three of the time Four of the time Five of the time One day I just took a tray And I went home

And I was so pissed Because the tray had like eight repeats They only had three teams They had like the Bengals The fucking The dolphins and something else So I had this desk Call my wife

And ask I had a desk a bureau underneath her shit with just the lighters and I would count them at night when I was coked up and I would look at it and say I'm missing the light of me I was pissed well I took a bengal one because there was eight of them what the fuck

you know I would get so pissed and I stopped shoplifting the lighters but the point is I was that much of a fucking thief I would never even think about it and now when I hear somebody we're in the same ballpark you know what just for the sake of argument

and I know this guy's temperament I know he's gonna fucking get defensive, then I'm up to smack, I'm gonna do time. Forget it. I just go to flappers or the ha-ha, and start from scratch. And start from scratch. I'll go out to fucking the laugh factory, flappers, the ha-ha, any of those clubs, and start from scratch. That's all you could do.

No, that's all you can do. And I also, but I also think that, like, I mean, just thinking about those two jokes that we just saw, I mean, those are pretty, like, those are pretty common, like, theories that women talk about. It's not like, I just feel like there's always going to be crossover. And I don't, like, I know, I've met Amy a couple times. I've met all of those women a couple times. I probably know them all just as well as each other. So I feel unbiased in this situation. But like, I just feel like Amy's cadence is like I always think a man should pay for a sec.

Like that kind of stuff. That's her, you know, like I don't date Mexicans now. I prefer consensual. You know, like, that's her cadence. And that idea, I actually. talk about how men should pay on the first date, does that mean I can't talk about that because the setup is the same? Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like, I feel like the idea of men paying on the first date is an idea that 60% of the women in America could be talking about. Because it's the theory, the idea, it's like airplanes. And you made a great point that people at home do not know. Yeah. And let's break it down for people at home, okay? Sarah's a great comic.

She's coming up, whatever. Tomorrow, she's at the fucking store. And let's just say for the sake of argument, let's just say it for the sake of argument. Opie's there. What's Opie? The guy from the real Opie, not fucking Opie radio. Ron Howard?

Ron Howard. Let's just say Ron Howard's in there. And Ron Howard's developing a TV show on NBC, and he loves Sarah. And he gives us six episodes of the first season. The show's a winner. You know how it turns? and all of a sudden your agency starts sending you out.

Well, guess what? She's clean. She could do corporate. You know, she could do a thousand things. All of a sudden, Sarah's world blows up. If that show ain't taping, I don't see Sarah. I don't see Sarah. Well, guess what?

And a lot of people at home don't know this. You get bored. You get bored with your material, and you can't write fast enough. Now, guess what? You know, Sarah's agent calls her and says, Sarah, I got a theater for you. And now they're putting it. Sarah and because they're greedy too. They're all greedy Jews. So they

will put Sarah in four fucking theaters a week and guess what guys after two weeks? I don't care how good your jokes are. You're sick of them. You're sick of them and you're throwing in little bits and when your jokes are really good and you're throwing

in little bits, you're like fuck this. I'm not going to start from this shit. I'll just keep and one day you just surrender and I know guys that listen any other situation you know I give up names. I give up names to criminals. I grew up with my own shit. But these are people that have their own personal business. I knew comedians

who grew so fast that they had to hire tribes of comics. Tribes of comics at home. For people who don't know this. I have to go to Lee and go Lee. Get Sarah, get Tony, get fucking one other guy, tell him $3,000 a fucking week, whatever.

Because I'm doing theaters and I'm selling out 10,000 seat arenas. I'm walking every week with a quarter of the mill. I'm paying these motherfuckers. $20,000. to give me the shiniest, the shiniest. And these guys will start looking at me through their success. And all of a sudden, Sarah will go, you know what? That joke I was saying, right?

I don't like it. And it'll work for Diaz. He's paying me. Diaz is paying me, taking me on the road. You know, after the shows, we're fucking smoking dope and drinking and eating cheeseburgers and writing jokes. You have no idea. So guess what happens?

Some fucking comic opened up for Sarah in Pittsburgh last year. Sarah did the joke for five days Now Diaz is doing the joke She doesn't know She's doing her job as a comic She doesn't know my association with Sarah So right away she'll post Joey Diaz stole a joke

I don't have time to go back and reclaim that The damage is already Done by you accusing that person Like that And that was my question Have they contacted her Because another story you happen With Heather MacDonald and Chelsea

like in doing it publicly Like that's like contacting the person before they say anything to the public Well yeah well not Well just to give them a chance to say to do the right thing Because like it's it's like being charged with a crime or something Yeah yeah no yeah It's an intense thing and if you I feel like if you don't at least give them a chance

Like What did this go down with heaven? Circumstantial evidence When did this go down and what have it? The other day? Yeah yesterday Yesterday? Yesterday? Well I think I think I think Chelsea said something yesterday

and Heather maybe the day before. Heather said that she was scared of Chelsea. Yeah. And then Chelsea said what? That she should be scared of her? Yeah, that she should be. And then allegedly Heather sold

information to put her pictures in a magazine. So that's why she wasn't. Put Chelsea's pictures in the magazine? No, to put Heather's picture. That's so weird. I don't know. You know, man.

this comedy game makes people act really weird. Yeah. I don't. This comedy game for fucking fame, people will act weird or for a certain job. But then people also just get into their heads. They've created a story in their head that is so fabricated that now they start believing it. You know? So I get a lot of times between female comments, I'll see like this rift, you know, and I feel like, and just male anybody, you know. And it's like you've never actually talked about it, but now you both have created these scenarios in your head that you're both believing and none of it is true.

Like men will just work it out and punch each other. And women just like marinate and marinate and marinate until the story gets worse and worse and worse. You know what I mean? They just like never let it out. Like Biggie and Tupac. Yeah. So somebody got shot. Yeah.

Just see. But like I think that like I mean if I saw somebody else doing a joke that was similar to mine, and theirs was better, I'd be like, all right, I can write a better joke. I can do better. I don't need to do that joke. If mine is better, I might fight for it. If somebody's a dear friend of mine. Yeah.

Or even a good friend of mine, sometimes I don't like a comedian, but I respect their work ethic. You have to get out of a certain time. And let's say I respect the fucking comic, but I don't like them personally. They don't like me, but they're like fucking Joe. He's out there. He's out there. You know, every fucking night. I see him at midnight.

I see him at 8 in the morning. You respect those people. Yes. somebody was stealing that jokes. First of all, guys, I got to be honest with you. I don't even remember my fucking jokes. Yeah. Unless I've worked with you for a month or I've seen you and really enjoy you at the store,

I don't fucking know your jokes, and you're always right. And so for me to raise my hand right away and go, that's Lee's jokes. I don't know. And you follow me? But if I fucking love that person, A, I won't go up to that person. I will call that person that the joke. And if they say to me, is he there right now? Yeah, you want me to hold them here?

Then whatever, you want me to say something? Don't say an enjoyment. Please mind your business, no worries. But if not, I don't even remember. It's not that I'm a fan of comics, but you have so much material in your own fucking mind. You know? So sometimes I won't even point the finger.

I'll go home and think about it for a few days, and then I'll wait. And then I'll hear it from somebody else. Hey, man, I saw this guy at the laugh factory. Bam, now you know. Where there's smoke, there's fucking fire. It's crazy that people do it. A, in Los Angeles,

because all the comics are, there's tons of comics, there's tons of people. They do it on the road. They do it everywhere. You know, and these guys are savages now. Like, who did they take? What was the guy that stole the joke from a dead comic? Oh, yeah.

And was doing them, and everybody went and got them at the fuck, and they lynched him. They brought him onto the show and let him do his stand-up, and then they pay, it was like a Mitch. Mitch Mullaney's bit afterwards, which is word for word. And Mitch died, you know, like a year before the guy was doing the joke. So, like, it's crazy. So what did they do to him?

They brought him on, like, a show like this and had him do his stand-up. Like, there's a big audience and stuff. So, like, he was just one of the other stand-ups. And then it becomes a talk show and you sit down and talk to the comics hosting it. And then they started playing Mitch's joke. And then he, like, ran out of there and he's never been seen again. Like, he didn't even answer the question. question he just got up and left and then like no one seen him again that's fucked up yeah

that was yeah but that's what should happen too like you shouldn't be doing so like a classic i mean milani was like really good i was you know i started in denver and i knew those guys in denver and denver you know each market has reputations the denver comic has a reputation of being a great writer. They develop all those jokes for Roseanne. The word on the street when I started in Denver was that there were these fucking great writers in Denver. Matt Berry is here. We've spoken

with you. You know what Matt Berry is? Matt Berry is like a big time writer, a real show runner, and he has a partner from Denver. These guys were the writers. I remember seeing Matt Barry performing at Witsend when I was the fucking doorman. The doorman. And he would come in and he had a thing about scales that ever since

he started doing coke, he's really good with metrics, and he would do a bit about that. There's a guy, Roger Rittenhouse, who's got a hook for an arm. Oh, I thought you meant like a hook like a bit. No, he's got a hook for an arm. And he goes up on stage. What's happening? Like Captain Hook?

Like a hook? And he'll go up on stage. You know, my wrist was fucked up, so I went in and they gave me this. I had to bring the other one back. It's under repair. So just work with me. And he makes it click on stage. But fucking, he is a guy that would take your whole act and just make you a fucking star.

like a Steve McGrew Steve McGrew Let's talk about Steve fucking McGrew Steve McGrew Steve McGrew is a comic from Houston, Texas Do you know who Steve McGrew? Steve McGrew is a comic from Houston fucking Texas that missed that

outlaw boat. Then he went to Denver and in 1992 Steve McGrew was already touted as one of the best fucking comics in the country. He was living in Denver in L.A., the fucking Elvis had dude,

good-looking dude, just A terrific writer. Like, if you work with Steve McGrew today and you do five shows, Steve McGrew will do five hours. And Steve McGrew is a caged animal. The short of the time, Steve McGrew will fucking bury you. I had to follow Steve McGrew two nights in Denver.

And both nights I was in the back praying. And they were the best sets I had because you had to follow that heat. Steve McGrew is one of the true fucking comedy writers in this country, like really fucking good and he was in Denver so he taught those guys so those guys Rick Kearns Mikey Long those guys started just writing for people but I did comedy with those guys so one day I'm at home and I'm watching one of the guys they're writing for that I know they're all writing for oh I didn't know I didn't know that this particular comic had hired this writing crew this this particular comic went from

you know, clubs to arenas, you know, and then continue to do arenas. And, you know, when he has a jet and when he leaves, one day I'm watching him, because I'm a fan, and he fucking says one of those jokes from Mikey Long. I'm enraised. I go, Jesus Christ, is this guy a joke thief? But I didn't say none to nobody. And sure enough, a month later, I found out Mikey Long was writing from him. Mikey Long finally said, you might as well take my material because I ain't doing nothing with it.

Yeah. And sold them one of his best fucking jokes. So you follow me, people. Sometimes you might go to a club and see a comic do a joke and then see a big-time comic do that same joke a year later. Maybe that comic just said, you know what, listen, I'm moving back to Michigan. Yeah. I don't need this no more. I'd rather sell you this joke than keep doing it.

Has like a really amazing comedian ever sold his act? Like, imagine if, like, Bill Cosby sold his act right now or anybody or anybody. It doesn't have a stupid guy. But like, every year, like Jerry Seinfeldar. Bought some comics act. That was really funny.

Like his whole joke book. Again, unless you take that act and personalize it to your own ability. You know, I've always said Chris Rock, for example,

Chris Rock, his best specials where he, you'd see him prepare. It was beautiful. So good. Because he would go, he would start at the improv.

And he would walk into improv with Nick DePaolo and Richard Jenny. And then from there, he'd shoot over to the Laugh Factory and do the same fucking material that on the drive over, Nick and Rich told him to try. At the time, Rich Cheney's another great rider. God bless his soul. And Nick DePaolo's brilliant. And then after they do like two shows there, they shoot to the comedy store and somebody else. And then Louis C.K. would show up. This is 16 years ago.

When I saw this go on for six weeks, I didn't know what it was. I didn't ask. I didn't talk to those guys. And then I saw the finished product. And it was one of Chris Rock's best fucking specials. And I heard that he would get an advance from HBO, chop it up, and tell these guys go to work. Heck, yeah, that's the best thing. So, you know, you got Rich Jenny giving you 15, Nick giving you 15, Lewis C.K.

giving you 15. You had your 15. Oh, yeah. What? And what people don't realize is when you're writing a joke, like, because I'll write with friends. You know, we'll sit down. And that banter and the questions that you ask each other about the material is what forms the material. Because jokes are usually opinions that you, that are answers to questions that you keep asking about a certain part of life, you know?

You know, like, and I always, like, when I'm writing a joke, I'll, like, research both sides. Like, if I, like, I have a bit about, like, how I like for men to pay for dinner. And so, like, I'll go and read articles and opinions from men and women about why they each think they should or shouldn't, you know? And, like, those questions that you ask yourself, that's how you form the joke. And when you're writing with a group of people, like, if I'm sitting there riding with someone, I'll ask you lots of questions until the joke just comes out of you, if that makes sense. So, like, you know, you have these writers and these people that work with you, but, like, you're all creating the show together. You're not just like, it's not like one writer gets credit for one. You've all contributed to that.

You've all punched it up. You've all made it better. You know, it's like, when I write for Jeff Ross on the Rose, I might give him a job, but he makes it amazing. Like, you know, like I might write it down, but then we'll tag it or change it or move a couple words here and there. Everything is like, it's like a beautiful instrument that you have to play. And just because someone can play an instrument doesn't mean they've built the instrument.

Wow, we're on the subject. Let's pretend. I meet you at the fucking supermarket. Okay. Right? I'm like for some reason, I'm talking about a situation in my youth. I'm talking about a situation when I'm 22 and I'm slinging dick and I'm out and I'm always on the prow. Let's say for some reason you let me know that you like doing drugs.

I would buy the Coke and the quailudes and the fucking weed and then I'd pick you up and we go eat. Now in that conversation, this is from a man's perspective. Like I talk to Lee sometimes and I see how Lee looks at me and a lot of guys won't admit this. if in that conversation somewhere, I suspect, I'm not going to sleep with you? Mm-hmm. You better be buying dinner. Really? Yeah.

No way. Fuck you. I ain't buying you dinner. Yes, you are. No, fuck! Now I would because I'm a gentleman now. Yeah. Oh, you were talking about 22.

When I was 22, when I was slinging dick, what, Sarah? Yeah. You started telling me about, oh, I'm tired. I got to get up at six. You know, I have my car. What? Well, I hope you brought money for that shrimp cocktail and that fucking $8 martini. because Hop ain't paying for dick

I might go duchies on this I might even run out of here no you know it's that's true like back in back when I was younger it didn't matter as much to me because that's what I wasn't like looking for a soulmate you know you're just going to hang out you know now I'm looking for my person so they have to pay for dinner my person has to pay for dinner

what I'm just laughing about the soulmate I hate you so much. You make me feel... No, no, no, no. It'll happen. Oh, no, no, it's definitely going to happen. You have it all... You know, it's tough what you got to go through in today's...

There's so many fucking laps of men. There's so many fucking laps. Like, if I was a woman, I'd have so many fucking requirements. Yeah. Like, I'd be so fucking picky if I was a woman. I want short hair. He'd better dress right. He'd better have okay.

I'm not... I'm not stuck on the money thing if I was a woman. I don't care if he lives at his mother's house. As long as he's got his shit together. Gives me a stabbing. Yeah, just have your shit together. That is the hardest thing to find, though. I didn't have my shit together at Lee's age.

Lee had this shit together. Lee, that's why I said, you want to leave and make a good cut. He'll teach you jitza. You get to kettlebells together. You know what I'm saying? So the guy helping us, his father-in-law is 70 years old. He's been with his wife for 41 years. So we were alone today for a few minutes.

So I asked him, like, how. How does it work? And he just said, like, just don't argue. He just, like, just say she's right sometimes. Like, it's not worth the fight sometimes. Yeah. And that's all he said. And he said, like, they're people too.

So they'll, like, be nice to them. So it was just, like, there wasn't any, like, big thing that he said. Well, I think that men and women just, like, need different things. Like, women need to be held in touch. You know, we need you to remember our birthday and our anniversary and stuff like that. But, like, men need respect. Like, that's how men feel love. And they're here for.

from the East Coast for like six months and he said they go everywhere together. Like they never go like they were apart for the day but they never go anywhere. I cannot fucking believe that came out of your fucking mouth. What? Not you. You're my brother, Saratiana.

I cannot believe that came out of your mouth. And there are women right now today that are cringing that you said that word. And in my life, first off. What, respect? Yes. The first thing I got to tell you is the reason why you're back on the show

because I learned more about fatherhood from you than anything I've ever read or anything I've ever seen. I've seen different things. But you really open my eyes up to having a woman at the house and how to get a woman ready and the whole thing. And then talking to Ada, Ada came from a Cuban house. And what her dad did was fucking just crazy. But that could be me too.

Like, you know, go by the school and go like this. drive away, you know, that type, which is cute, but you don't need it. And I already see how mercy is. Like, when I go to school in the morning, my wife, boom, we get, I walk at the school. I walk with my wife because there's a lot of people driving. It's by the train. I don't want no problem. So when I'm walking, we get there, you know, we let her out.

My wife gives me the lunch, and her and I walk to the refrigerator. This is the same routine. I put the lunch in. I turn around. Come on, we got to go next door. She fucking bobs around. She looks at the tables. They're making crackers with cream cheese and pretzels.

And I can see her already. And then we have to walk to another building. And then before I go in in Spanish, I always tell her, where's my hug? And she always gives me pretty good hugs. But when it comes time to school in front of her friends, it's over. Like she just goes, boom, and lets her hands down. Really? Oh, yeah.

She pushes me away. And then she walks in two steps and she walks back out, hugs Terry's leg, pushes her away, and closes the fucking door. And then goes in and hugs her. teacher. So I already, you see their personality. Like, it's over, Dad. It's over. Yeah, I know. You love me. Be careful. I love you. I heard it a thousand

fucking times. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm with my friends and I don't want to see it. You know, you see it. You see it. But the one thing that I see it Oh my God, am I going to go to hell for saying this? Oh, my fucking God. Oh, my God.

When I see a woman over 40 who's fucking single, I don't think she has respect for. men. Yeah. As a woman, the first thing I want to teach mercy, whether I live to tomorrow or fucking when she's 15 or 20, is that she lives in the world with men and she has to respect man. As long as she knows that going in, it makes her life a lot easier. This morning, at 6th the morning, I was drinking coffee with my wife. And she says, who's on the podcast? There they go, Sarah, Tiana. And she goes, you really like it, don't you? And I go, yeah. I go, you know why? Because I want My daughter, they grew up to be like her.

She has a quality that I've seen Sarah in the circle with five guys. And she ain't fucking none of them. She's holding her own. None of those five guys are there to fuck Sarah. They respect her and she's holding her own. Sometimes at the store, I just wave at you. I look at you. I'm ready to go up and you're by the thing.

And I watch you. And I'm watching. And I'm watching why these guys are talking to you. Just to make sure I'm okay. I don't have to go with a stranglingle, you know what I'm saying? I'll have to choke a motherfucker. right there at the comedy store and fucking leave them in the parking lot sarah go home just go home do a spot next time the store is closed you know because you got to look after those females at

the store because there's crazy people talking to me those girls at the store you got to watch them i used to watch bono bacon i used to watch kim tovirus there was another girl used to come up with her baby and leave the baby in the car on stage and shit it was crazy and you you get to respect these women man because you know how hard it is i see how hard it is i see how hard it is i see how When they walk in, they're fucking prey, Jack. Everybody's trying to knock them off their game. And unless they have a certain walk, it's not going to work out for you. A certain way a woman can force yourself, like walks.

When you do comedy, guys have to really respect you. And that extends to the business world. But something happened in 1970 when Billy Jean worked that fucking Bobby thing and women all a sudden became feminist. There's a word. Like I heard there's one of those stupid articles on Facebook last week that Tina Faye is hated now. She's a feminist because she talked about strippers. And I don't even know what a feminist is.

I don't know none of about this shit. But I know a woman in today's society, your job will be a lot easier if you respect a man. And every time I see a single woman, I see how she talks to men, how overly protective, how quick she is to snap out a guy. It's quick. They're trying to prove their point. I see it. So you keep saying respect. What do you mean by respect a man?

By respecting a man. Well, what I do is, I mean, I think for a man, A, you have to date somebody that you can respect. Like, I just want a man that I can look up to and be proud of. So I think that that is, like, a big part of it where you're, like, constantly rewarding him or thanking him for, like, being a man and not punishing him for being a man. Also, I think with a man, like, you don't make fun of him in front of his friends or his family. Definitely not in front of his mother. like there's like certain things like that like if he's you're just considerate of his feelings before they get in you know You know.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, I feel like women do that where they're just like, huh, I can do whatever I want or like I'm, and I'm like, I don't know. Like, I just want somebody that I'm super proud of and that I brag about all the time. And I can make fun of him to his face or when we're in a comfortable group where I know people respect him as well. But like, I just think with your men, you just show him respect, you know. Because like, and I think my biggest problem is that like I'm the alpha at work and I just

want to be the beta when I go home. But it's just difficult to find men that you can respect, that you can give that admiration to. What do you think, Lisa? Uh-oh. I think that I don't know.

I think as a man, you have to make, listen, when you're walking down the street, you're walking down the fucking street and you see certain people and you see a guy walking towards you and he's got like fucking, he's jiggling with his pocket. I'm not saying that about collar erase he's got a hoodie on whatever the fuck you know your things go up when you meet a woman

the toughest thing for a man is to what's the word differentiate whether you're gonna unless we're all adults here whether you're gonna fuck this woman or not fuck this woman this is how man this is the back of the wiring this is the back of the fucking wiring okay when you meet a woman I'm married but I don't have that sense anymore but when you're on the prow as a man, even if you're not on the prow, even when a woman's not on the prow, when you meet a new man for the first time, a man meets a woman for the first time, they have a decision right there. Were they going to go for it or not go for it?

Maybe she's not. You're tired. Maybe there's guys who will go for anything. There's guys that just, they make new flesh. If they talk to 10 women, they're going to sleep with two of them. It's just the law of the land. When you see a creepy guy, that guy gets pussy. And you sit there and go, how does he get pussy?

Because he hits on everybody. He hits on 10 women. Yeah, the odds are in his favorite. Guys like you and me, we. We have to, 60% we're in, like they have to show us a tit, then we go for it. Because we had no self-confidence. But there's guys that even like they're fucking wired. I've gone on the road with comics, and I can't believe it.

Like I've seen them bounce from one to another. No, no, no, no, no. At the end, they take somebody home who looks like Herman Munster, but they took somebody to fuck home. I never know when it's happening. Girls would have to throw themselves. I would have a different happen, so I have no idea. Me neither. But when I was growing up, I grew up around so many women.

my mom and I would hear them chitter chatter. I would hear them chitter chatter. I didn't pay attention, but I did pay attention. And I learned, you know, like they would always go to me. When you get fucking older, do this with a woman. When you get older, do this with a woman, and you'd like they would coach me. Don't fucking hit on everybody, because you're not gonna fuck everybody.

And women don't like those type of guys. Like, I remember those things. And I would look at them like, what are you talking about? My mom would tell me, make sure you eat pussy. And all the women would go, yeah, yeah, yeah, eat a woman's pussy. And I would sit there like, why are you telling me? in front of these people.

I remember my mom walking into a room full of men in a numbers operation. You don't know numbers and a sports gambling operation looks like? The phones? Yeah, there's only one woman in there, if you're lucky, 10 out of 10 times, they hire a guy to cook. That's how manly.

They don't want no mistakes. So in their minds that they don't want a woman around, if somebody comes in shooting, it's for a lot of other reasons. They need to stay focused. My mom would walk in there. You know, like they had a, betting operation downstairs, but the numbers were upstairs.

The bank is upstairs. It's a blackboard, which was zero to nine, and then, like, let's say, somebody plays zero-19. You put it up there, and you put how much money, and once it gets to a certain level, you scratch it all. But my mom would walk in those rooms. I was a little kid, and I'd see how they'd respect them, and she would respect them, and, you know, my mom always had, like, a little gun in her purse. So these motherfuckers knew, and I was impressed, like, I'd see, as I got all,

I'd see women come into my mom's bar that they got barracuda on. It was fucking hysterical. And even as a young guy, I go, I didn't want to be that guy like I knew. So when I meet a woman, when I was 22, I had two decisions to me. And that's every guy. And you can't fuck everybody. You can't fuck everybody. So I think having a woman as a friend is such a great ally.

I've always had tons of women as friends because they're such great allies. They'll go into the murky waters for you. If you go to a woman that's a cool woman and go, listen, I haven't been late in nine months. What can you hook me up with? She'll go, let's go down to the bar. I'll get this party started for you. Let's do it. Wingman.

Wingman. Saratiano fucking call him over. What are you going to do tonight? Suck his dick. He's a radar fan. No, I had to start bragging about it. He introduced me like, oh, hi, you know, I'll start talking about the girl, and then I bring the guy over. And that's what made my life easier as a comic that, you know, at least that aspect of it.

I know guys that's what they're. do they just try to bang on the comics. I feel like you, like for me, I have a lot of respect for men. And what I'm looking for is someone who I can respect, right? But when I say I can't find somebody like that, it is that generation of men who don't pay for dinner on the first day, you know, who don't place a phone call, who only text you. Like I dated a guy for a little bit who would like put my jacket on. And it was like the nicest thing I thought, had ever happened to me, you know, help me down the stairs. I don't need help down the stairs,

but the fact that you're considering me and making sure and looking out for me says volumes about how you'll look out for me in every single way. If you'll do it for this little tiny thing, just helping me down the stairs. And that's why it really bothers me when you're talking about feminism. I don't know what it is. Yeah, I'm lost too. And men are lost too. And that's the biggest problem is that women have gone so far. And they're like, I'm independent. I'm like, bitch, you don't pay your own rent. You ain't independent. You know what I mean?

Like being independent means like I always tell a guy like, you know, if I want to be paying for dinner, I would be eating it alone. That's why you're paying for it because I'm here. We're spending time together. And if you can't take care of this one little thing, then you can't take care of nothing. Can't take care of nothing. And if you and like I showed up on time looking nice and I brought this here, Brian with me. So, Andy up, dealer.

Like I don't think that there's any other thing that needs to be said. Like, you respect me enough to buy me dinner. I respect you enough to treat you like a fucking man. And that's what I think at the core of everything, when you say, like, am I going to fuck her or not? At the core of a woman's brain, it's like, am I going to respect him or not? Am I going to care enough about him to let him fuck me whenever he wants? Then I see the guys that are ultra nice. Like, I've seen those guys.

Like, I've worked in places with women and a new girl comes, and then everybody's very nice. I'm looking at these guys and I'm going up. I wonder how long this is going to last until they find out until she drops the bomb that she's engaged. Then all this shit goes away. Then you see the other type of guy. And then the guy that does come around that woman, she really trust. Because I know you're fucking engaged.

And guess what I'm married to? This is easy. We could be fucking friends. We can talk about anything now. But some people go, fuck her. She's engaged. What do I got to deal with that bitch for? I can't fuck it.

What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? It's really weird. we really think deep down inside, you know. People won't admit it. No, I know. Fans on Twitter. If I post a picture of a guy, zero likes, zero likes on Instagram, you know, and it might not even be a guy I'm dating.

It might just be me and a guy friend. Yeah, they're like, well, nobody wants to know that you have fucking boyfriends there. And it's like, oh, okay, well, I thought like the whole goal here was just to like, let's all just have a good time in life. Leaser gentleman, Lee really believes in the system. I love Lee to death. I break his balls. Like last week, Lee's girlfriend got sick. He rubbed her toes.

He went and rub her toes. Don't fucking lie to me. I got the camera over there. He rubbed her toes. He fucking, you know, took care of her and shit. And it takes, it just takes certain type of guys. It takes a man to treat a woman like a lady. It takes certain type of guys, you know.

I break his balls. But the other side, I'm like, that could be my daughter. Yeah. And I like that Lee's doing that. Even though I broke his balls about it. Yeah, that's what guys do. I like that. I wouldn't want Lee to come to me and go, Doug, guess what?

I'm fucking the neighbor, and I'm going to San Jose with you so I could eat that girl's ass. Would I like Lee? I'd still like him, but I wouldn't want them around me. I'm like, ah. Those guys I never dug. I never dug guys that just always went for pussy around me. Like, you know, you can't hit on the fucking bartender. We come here constantly.

Stop. Don't ruin it. Stop. You know, I would fucking drive me crazy when I was a kid. and it might be double standard but when you think about it I really look down more on on girls who cheat

like when you think it's kind of even worse it seems like it's like kind of even grosser because they have so many more options I don't know they're supposed to be like when you look at a girl they're so pretty they're so pretty like you don't think they can do something so mean oh right yeah

listen the girl that comes to me and says to me and I could say this into the mic on the road you have fucking weird situations. You know, I always tell a joke about El Paso's. That's true. You could sleep with a girl on a Tuesday,

and on Wednesday, Thursday she'd come back for the show and introduce you to her husband. It was fucking crazy, El Paso. There's nothing you could do about that. There's nothing you can do about that. It's the woman that you get involved with, that you really, I don't know. For me, it's always been like,

if you're cheating on your husband, what won't you fucking do? For me, that's always like, yeah, I'll still be your friend or whatever. I've ever been in the back of my mind. I'm like, you know what? If you're cheating on your husband, what would you do to me? You know, you walk down the thing.

Even with guys, I always thought that way. Like, if you're cheating on your wife, what would you do to me? And when you say cheating, though, do you mean, like, consistently, like repetition? Or just one time? You know, Sarah, there's something I believe in. I believe in something that's since I was younger. I believe that I could go to a bar one night, Sarah. and bump into somebody.

And for some reason, it's just a slip in my mind and a slip in her mind. I'm not thinking about my daughter. I'm not thinking about Lee. I'm not thinking about anything. And you get away with it. You sleep at her one time and you get away with it. And then when you go back to where you live, she sends you a picture of pussy, and you block her and you move on with your life.

You made a mistake and you acknowledge it. That happens, guys. That happens. Yeah. I think it's human. That happens. Uh-oh. Okay.

But me calling Sarah every day. Sarah comes to my house, plays with my daughter in front of my wife. I'm picking up Sarah. That shit there, I don't get. I never got. This fucking idiot fucking the nanny. Yeah. These idiots fucking the nanny.

This guy right now is shooting himself in the leg, the singer from Bush. She's pregnant already. And that fucking dummy got pregnant. What? What the fuck? Yeah. Start, she's 46. You know, you're just starting your musical career already, but she's got tons of

fucking loot. You know, when you write your own song and sell them and publish them, there's so much fucking money there. But this guy was fucking a nanny right under her roof. What the fuck do you think a woman's going to do? A scorn woman is fucking a nightmare. It's a nightmare. You talk about putting nails in your tires.

Oh, my God. You ain't parking in this state anymore. They put nails in your soul. Forget your fucking car. Sorry. What's it, black chick who lit the guy's car on fire in that movie with Whitney Houston. People were like, oh, my God, it was great. No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's the damage they do to your soul later on. Like, right now that guy's in hell. Not only she leave him, she hooked up already, but now she's pregnant. They're probably going to get married. You know, and she's going to dump this Miranda dude in fucking two years. Miranda's husband's shirt. Like Shelton. Yeah, he's a fucking moot.

You can tell he's a fucking moot. Well, I just, yeah, like, I, I feel like when you're invested, like, mentally in someone else, like, that's not being a man. But I think that, like, when I always go back to, like, saying, like, you can't punish a man. I can't punish a man for being a man. Like, you're going to notice boobs. That's how you're wired. Like, you're going to notice acid and, like, you're going to want to do, like, man, do things.

Like, and you shouldn't punish me for being a woman. Like, I'm going to cry when I read an old note. Like, that shit's just going to happen. Like, we're just built. We're different humans. So I feel like, I just feel like somewhere along the way in the things. feminism world, what happened is men started getting really confused about what they were allowed to do and what they're not allowed to do. And women started punishing men for being men,

like, opening the door, being taught to be a gentleman. And like now men don't feel the need to, you know, be excel anymore. Like it was like if you wanted to get like a perfect wife, you had to be like the perfect job and like be able to fix something at home and build a wall at the Habitat for Humanity Place, you know, like stuff like that. What sexes mean? What does that mean? I don't know none of this shit because I don't pay attention to because it's got nothing to do with me. I don't get this shit that we're going to invest this much time, but while we're talking about it, like I watched a movie a couple days ago, and he goes, move out of the way. It's a fact that men are way better cooks than women.

That statement kind of bothered me. You know what I'm saying? Is that being sexist? And you know me? I don't give a fuck. I don't get upset about anything. But for a minute, I was like, what a second? I think it would be sexist if they said only women can cook.

Okay. That would be more sexist. Texas or like I don't get that world I don't get none of that fucking shit I don't pay attention to it I love the women I have in my life You know I try I do anything for him you know I have a daughter I don't have contact with I have a sister in Cuba So I've always had a side side and my mom my mom and her girlfriends Beat me like when I was a kid not beat me literally but Always when they had three cocktails and they go psal come here for a second when you get old women in love when you do this shit You know

I would look at them like, what the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? I don't even like women. I like you because you bring me lollipops. That's it. I'm like no fucking bruns. You know, me. I like G.

Do you do you guys hear about like the wasted dudes time hashtag on Twitter a couple weeks ago? Like these girls were doing these like things like they would do, make guys take them out to date her and buy them things and then tell them they don't want to date them. It's like it. I can't. Suckers are born every day. There's guys that are dying. Listen, when you date, I dated a stripper for four years, and I got to tell you something,

she told me things that blew me away. Yeah. Blew me away. And this was in 95, way before the internet stuff. I hear now, the other day, weren't you guys saying that some girl on a specificope, periscope was fucking, you just, you tell,

people doing private dances and they put money like a pay-per-view or whatever the fuck I was talking about two of them one girl I saw was just like one of those cam girl and she was saying if you want to do a private periscope which anyone can do you had to send her an amazon gift card to her email which is crazy and they were probably rolling in oh I'm sure they were yeah that's insane listen there suckers yeah the guy I kidnapped fella with Stephen Tidwell. Yesterday, I was putting mercy into the stroller, and I turned around, and I was waiting for my wife to come down the stairs, and every morning there's this fucking moron that walks a beautiful

dog. This dog is one of those masters. He's got to be a buck 20. Just adorable. Now I know from experience with dogs that after you see a dog six or seven times, guess what, Even if he wants to bite you, he wants to check you. So I was by the gate. Mercy was 12 feet away and Terry was coming down the stairs.

And I see them over my shoulder. So when he gets over here, I look at the dog and I go, hey, baby, how are you doing today? And I figured the guy's going to give me a smile now. He's a fucking Nazi. Uh-oh. This guy's living in one of those. He's probably in the mirror, flexing, like whatever. And then as they get back, the dog is looking at me.

Like, hold on, Dad. Let me talk for this, dude. Let me sniff him. He fucking hit him. You got to look straight. I'm standing. I'm like, oh, shit. Then my wife comes down.

We start walking. And 20 feet later, my wife goes, did you see that? He just hit the dog again. You know, that was the dude that I kidnapped. Like, that dude was one of those dudes. He had a pit bull. You have to. He had a car with tinted windows.

He had, and this is 87, he already had the tattoo, the earring, the plug in his nose. This guy did everything in the world for attention. and he hung out at strip clubs. And the reason why he kidnapped Vela, his main reason, was because there was a girl he was in love with that was trying to get a divorce. It was a nude place, not a fucking panties on, nude. When you bring your own alcohol?

And the girl was like an eight. She was no fucking bargain. And she was Catholic. So she needed to move in with, so this idiot moved her in, moved her into his bedroom. He lived on the couch, and she would lock the door at night. And she would go on dates.

And she told him that when he gave her 10,000 for her divorce, that she would sleep with him. And they could be a couple. Oh, my God. And he did it. He did it. Yeah, he did it. He kidnapped.

Yes. Everybody had a main thing here. You always have, I don't know what they say in the actors world. What do they call it when you want to, what is the motive? Your motivation? Yeah, what is your motivation? His motivation was to give this girl 10 grand. So he could move into his own bedroom.

And they could be a couple because she was Catholic. His own bedroom. So she couldn't sleep with another guy until they broke the divorce because she was a Catholic girl. Meanwhile, she danced nude and gave lap dances and gave hand jobs back there for a small 20. You know, it was a fucking nightmare. You all right? Small 20. For the small 20.

If you got 18, I'll still give you hand job. You know what I'm saying? If it's a Tuesday, you got $18, fuck it. Go. Yeah. I mean, there's definitely suckers born. So when you say that, like, girls are doing that, it's awful, obviously, because what that does is it makes men, like, scared to ever buy us dinner in the first place because they're like, this bitch is probably just wasting my time. But, like, if you're the one that's going to fall for that and keep buying girls stuff that are giving you nothing in return, then that means you have no respect for yourself.

So I can't respect to that. I don't understand it. I've never understood that. Have you, no. Have you guys heard about those campsites? No. Okay. Oh, my God, Lee.

How do you know about all this stuff? Because this guy's fucking the king of swing. No, because what's camsax? Okay, okay. So there's these sites where people go and like it was started out. Oh, wait. And there is. Just girls.

And like they would like masturbate and stuff and guys would pay, would tip them. How? Well, you would buy tokens and then the, and then the girls could turn the tokens into the money. Okay. But now there's one, bro. Now there's one. He's so high too. I'm very high.

It's so funny. are you discuss it and you can barely Now I found one called Chatterbate where there's one Where couples do it Okay like swingers? No not like swingers like it'd be like A random person's

Like boyfriend and girlfriend are just fucking for money And like the like people can request Stuff like during the sex Yeah Oh yeah And like the people sell panties It's really right right

Dunkin's said it on his block There's a change And wherever they lived, El Segundo. What's that fucking crafty neighborhood down here? Los Feliz. The neighbor would send people her socks and her underwear. Like if she ran in it, it was 35. If she just wore it when she slept and it was 25,

she'd send you her socks for seven bucks a pair after she wore them and shit. Can you imagine paying somebody to sniff their underwear? And don't get me wrong. I've gone to a woman's house hammondon and sniffed the fucking underwear. I don't give a fuck. I'm a flip. Yeah, but you ain't ordered it in the mail. You know, I ain't postage in handling

emailing the motherfucker I send me a pink pan. Oh my God. Imagine how often she has to go to the post office. Oh, my God. All right, when I was dating Crazy Carol, one night her girlfriends with their boyfriends.

Like these three strippers came to the show and two of them, the girls had boyfriends. And we went to eat and you know what? They were a little wacky, but they weren't bad, you know? Okay. And two of the girls are telling them a story. And the boyfriends are right.

there and they were talking about this guy who had flown to Vegas and paid them 10,000 apiece like they negotiated heavy didn't sleep with the guy like danced for the guy with their fucking little bikinis on none of them took their tops off the guy gave him 10 grand an expensive watch each like a three grand watch or diamonds or something that shit has always fucking baffled me yeah they was telling hours about guys who get paid and go right there like These girls worked in Seattle, in a town by Seattle, so they waited for the sailors to come back, and they'd come back with thousands of dollars and go in there. And these girls were telling stories out of it. It's just craziness.

And the only thing I could see is these guys want to be taken. Nobody could be that fucking stupid. Nobody. Well, it's like, it must be just part of the fantasy. Like, they really are fantasizing that this woman would actually, like, this is what they can get. This is like, you know, it's like I think how a woman like dreams that they can fix a guy. Like, yeah, that's ridiculous. Like, why would you ever really think that?

I went to a strip club for the first time after like 20 years, three weeks ago. Uh-huh. On a Sunday night after Christmas. I said, you know what I want? Yeah, that's when you've got to make it happen. I went to a script club. The girl was beautiful. You know, it was bottomless and topless.

I gave it like a yardstick. It was fucking tremendous. And at the four minute mark, I don't care how Christian you are. You want to eat her ass. You follow me? You're sitting there going, get that thing up here. I'll fucking sniff it. I want to bite it.

Whatever the fuck it is. You really do. You do the same. If you went to a hot men strip club and some guy had a fucking 10-inch dick, after about four inches, that thing swinging by your face, you don't grab that motherfucker and go, you know, at least let me sniff it, something from my hand for later. Something, yeah.

You all get crazy. But the effect wore off. And once it wore off, I couldn't wait for how to fucking get off me. Like the last three minutes or four, ten minutes was just a waste. Like I was like, why are we still doing this? This is just, you know, nothing is going to happen. This is, you know, and she was very nice. If I go back there, I'm going to have her.

I'll go back on a Sunday night to watch her dance. She was great. She was fucking great. You know, she was beautiful. She was Russian. But it's not like I went back to the next day. I would fucking a bottle of scotch. Then the next day I went back there and followed her like that dude players club.

I went to see players club was on the end on BET. You want to Luke the King Day, and I watched it and fucking, at the end, the guy is hiding in the bushes. I paid you a lot of money. You might as well give me something. She slammed the door on him, and she didn't pull the gun or some shit. Those psychos exist. How are you feeling, Lee, all right? I'm doing good.

What are you going to eat when you get out of here? What are you fantasizing about? I think I'm going to get some Mexican after I pack up the house. Ooh, that sounds good. All right. Let me give some shout out to you. Yost Parish, Big Mike, sipping on Arcata, Clint, Christensen, Sean. Purtee,

Corey, I don't know, Brett Mallin, Rob Bradley, and Sam Coyler. It's Corey Pertay and Sean Pence, I don't know,

my fucking spelling when I smoked Riefer, I was in a rush this morning, you know what I'm saying? But that's why I always watch you in a way because once you told me

that story about your dad and stuff, I've always tried to be when I was first married, when I got married at 25 or 26, it was horrible. It was horrible.

It was horrible. I'm the fucking honeymoon. And it just didn't go away. And once the kid got there, it was even fucking worse. Like, I had a failed marriage. And as a Catholic, like, for me and my world, like, it felt terrible. Like, I don't know what I was more upset about her or that I had gotten a divorce. Like, the divorce and then bad credit came.

Like, I was fucking mad. So when all of the... this went on with Terry and the baby like when my wife the first time she was pregnant I gotta be honest with you guys I wasn't too fucking happy about it I didn't want to go through that shit again you know it was hard it's my number one enjoyment it's what keeps me saying you know and it's the little things like people get mad at me like joy why don't you do this at seven o'clock well listen man I got this thing like I'm going right from here to pick her up at school and from the minute we pick her up this fucking drama in the car you know go this way go this way

Eddie's hot dogs. He already knows the roots. Let me get to the fucking house. But when I look at her and I talk to her, even before you came on the podcast, I go, what's the most important thing I could teach Mercy if I die tomorrow? What's the most important thing? Respect the men. And that's the only way you get men to respect you. And if you chop their shit off, like my mom, I saw her at the bar many at night to stop guys in their tracks and say, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, listen, look at me. Listen, I respect you. You fucking respect me. This is going to get fucking ugly in this motherfucker. And I saw it, and I saw it calm down guys. But if a woman doesn't stand her ground from day one, it's all over. And I've seen it at the store. I seen, oh, my God, I seen women come and go at the fucking store.

You see it. You see it in the beginning. I look at them and go, this bitch ain't going to last in here, walking around with that little cup blouse. It ain't going to work out for her. I don't care how many fucking boyfriends she's got. You can just tell because they walk on a tightrope too. They play a little bit of a negative game too.

So once you're playing a fucking game, but back to you and you're dad, now I've got to go home and build shit. Now you made me feel bad. No, no, no. I'm going to go make a fucking cabinet and shit out of fucking bamboo papers. Well, my mom and dad always, like my dad just took care of everything on the outside of the house

and my mom took care of everything on the inside. That was always their agreement. So he would build stuff on the outside and bring it in. How were the holidays for you this year? They were awesome. I got to be with my dad and my mom back in Georgia. It was awesome. How was the weather?

It was hot, actually. It did not feel like Christmas. It was awful. But I got my dad a Falcons football signed by the whole team. He was pretty geeked out about it. It was pretty cool. What did you think of the national championship game that night? You were going to come on that night.

And I said, fuck it. I'm going to enjoy the game. Because just by the tone of your voice, I could tell you were really going to fucking enjoy it. Not like other people. I was like. She bets a yardstick and shit, you know what I'm saying? It was one of the best games. I got hamburgers for the game.

Yeah. Did you go back to Stout Burger, Foco? No, no, yeah. I'll do with Stout Berger. Stout's really good. I didn't know. I had no idea. I love a good burger, but when it tastes like that, that makes me go crazy.

I got the one with Panchetta on the last time. It was so good. He got the Italian one. No, you got mozzarella and something else. We got a panchetta. You got the Guido. Panchetta. Yeah.

I got the regular one. I can't do all that stuff. I like my burger simple. Oh, my God. The onion ring is and the fries of mozzarella. Not bad, but that's what kills you. The cheeseburger don't kill you. It's the fries and the fucking, the blue cheese.

The cheese. I tell you what, even if you have a cocktail, that don't kill you. Not a cocktail with a good stout, like a good beer with a hamburger. That's good for the muffler. That's good for the Stugats. You want that fucking Jewish stick to be hard, doesn't you? I'm going to use that word so much more often. And then everyone's going to say, you stole that from Uncle Joey.

No, that's in the muffler. Don't be going back there, Lee. You're doing a little dirty Jew. That was pretty funny what Kathleen Madigan said about Oprah. Yeah. That she turns into a Nazi. Kathleen Madigan. I have an idea.

Kathleen Madigan had an album. I don't know which one it was, guys. In 2000, I did a 12-week triple one. I had three CDs. That was one of the CDs and I listened to it and I studied it. She's great. Oh, so brilliant. She's really great.

I'm happy that she blew up. I still remember summer on 98. You ready for this one? You know that she used to take Ron White as a feature act. No. Hilarious. When Ron White went missing, Ron White became a star in a weird way. There was a time when people.

People loved the improvs love Ron White because he drew. But they only gave him two grand a week. He would fucking pack him in because he was so funny. But Ron White, when they hooked up with some rich white chick and moved to Mexico. So they would call every comic. You'd get a call once a year from the improv lover's hi. Sarah, hi, this is whatever from the improv. Do you happen to have his number and how we get it?

There were two comics that the improvs were looking for. There was this kid out of Cleveland that the improv was used on the East Coast. That was phenomenal. But they talked them into featuring. So he was in demand. They'd give him two weeks like $6.50 to feature. And the kid featured himself to debt.

And nobody would headline them. The kid's finally like, listen, I'm fucking headline. No, no, no, no, no, no. But Ron White, one of the times, before Ron White blew up, I still remember being at the lap stop in Houston behind the whole last lap stop on the side and smoking dope with John West. sling like six of us outside

and Ron White was about to go up. The emcee was on. Do you know what I'm saying? The MC, Ron White was the feature and Kathleen Madigan was the fucking headline and that's who, I guess she really liked him and he liked her. So, fucking amazing where this shit goes. Yeah, so many different turns.

Yeah, and you're young and all this shit's happening for you. Where are you going next? What cities are you going to next? Well, I'm going to San Francisco Sketchfest tomorrow. Well, I'm going to, I have a show in Roanert Park as Sally Tomatoes. And then I go to Minneapolis and Edmonton, Arlington, Virginia, Salt Lake City, and Richland, Washington or something. Yeah.

Richland Washington. Yeah. There's some club up there. The laugh shock. Richland Washington always had a club. I once met a girl. Richland Washington. You all love this, right?

I always love. A poem. When I lived in Seattle. in Seattle, when I lived in Seattle, when you're a comic, you work Richland. It's the tri-states, the tri-cities. You work Richland, you work Portland, you work Idaho, you work Moscow, Idaho. You work the Boise, Funny Bone at that time. Boise had a cool fucking Funny Bone.

The chick thought she was the next coming of comedy. She's sucking Dixon when I fuck, you know. Oh, yes, I know. Fuck you. There was just these cool clubs. There was a Mexican restaurant, Los Marble. Margaritas in motherfucking Portland, like an hour, like 45 minutes out of Portland. Oh, my God, Lysa at.

Los Margaritas, but Richland had this great. It was called the Valkaigne. They paid for you travel. It was no dough, but they gave you 20% off the whole weekend at the kitchen. And the kitchen was okay. And I did it. I used to love doing it because it was three days. It was a four-hour drive from Seattle.

And one of the last times I went there, I hooked up with this girl real cute. And it started moving, you know, moved along not too fast, you know. We cuddled the first night. And then she left. And then I was living with Josh Wolfe. It's the, it's, it's 4th of July, 1996. And me, Josh in Seattle. The two kids and Malia, his wife at the time, were going to a 4th of July festival.

And this girl called me out of the blue that morning. And she goes, what are you going to do? I have a few days off of work. And I'm like, uh, I don't give a fuck. Come on to Seattle. She showed up. Real sweet girl.

I really liked this Sarah. I was lonely. I'm like, this is going to work out. I really like this girl. And I'm no fucking Jim Magoo. You know what I'm saying? I'm no handsome. I'm no fucking Jacks from Sons of Hanaki.

This chick was like a fucking eight. She was really cute. She had a good job. Everything was going great. You know, we were swapping spit, boom. Took her home. No sex. You know, I respect her.

I think we didn't have sex like a week later. But the point of the story is, She had a thousand of those things on her back. Little moles? Those things that grow out of your skin. Those are there a mole? Are they dark? No, no, no, yeah, yeah.

No hairs on them. No pimples. No, it's like a mole. A freckle? It's like a freckle that lives above the skin. Yeah, yeah, those are moles. It could be a warp, but not really. Yeah.

And they grow, and she had them all over her back. This girl had a great body, but her back drove me crazy. It was like the thousand little snake heads were back there. You have no idea. Whenever we had sex this way, I would go bling, brink, brunt. It was just like I was rubbing. It was fucking hard. She was such a sweet girl.

I'm so embarrassed about this. But the fucking, it wasn't pimples on the back. It was those moles. She had millions of them. Yeah. Oh, man. And she was a sweet girl, and she couldn't leave her family. You know, it was just, I moved.

I moved to L.A. She couldn't leave her. Leah's going deep. On a Wednesday. Out of respect for the last fucking Wednesday at this office, Lee, you were fucked up there. You went back to like a Led Zeppelin concert where they were giving out yarmikas in the 70s.

Look at you, Lee. I love it when he gets that fucking hot. And then I moved to L.A. And we talked a couple times. Yeah. But I couldn't get over this stuff. Yeah, you can't get over. We traveled on the road with me.

She went to a couple of dates with it. We did San Francisco. I auditioned for the contest. We did Santa Cruz. We drove back. We went to Ashlyn Arvigan. I mean, she was fun. But I think she wanted to get married and shit.

Like, you know, she was talking about marriage and kids. And I'm like, listen, I'm moving to L.A. You know, no matter how you cut this, I'm moving to L.A. Like, you want to come. You could be my wife down there. But I'm not staying up here. And we talked a few times. It's amazing.

the people you meet on the road along the way, at least I am. Aren't you fucking happy with me? Give me the fucking sheet. You're sitting there in Zamboland. You have a party. All right. Start the year off with a fucking bang.

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nobody that's who listen you want to start the year with a new resolution all right right now we're talking about love myself and uh sarah tiana and lee we're talking about couples and how people come to you want to start fresh what if sat or tiana goes on a date and it gets to that point in the night and she's got those crinkled little fucking underwheres it looks like the fucking old man's goatee on the bottom it's all crinkled and pissy. The guy ain't going to call it back. I'm not going to want you around. So you want to start the year off. And the same thing for guys, right?

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I want to thank Meyundis. And I want to thank Nature Box. I want to thank my girl, Sarah Tiana, for coming on. I miss you. It's good to be seeing you at the store and stuff. But down there, you know, when you go to the store, and I didn't, I'm not saying this because I'm a jerk off. I'm telling you what people have been telling me. and somebody brought it to my attention.

You know, when I first got to the store, you heard about the Jim Carrey days and the Kennison, the Dice days, and they seemed like that would never happen again. Well, guess what? It's happening again, all over again. And it's not the old people. It's this new crop of comics from Chris D'Lea to yourself,

to Tony Hinchcliff, to like Adam Ray, you know, Mike Costa. These guys, Theo Vaughn. You go down there and you fucking get. I saw Steve Byrne destroying that motherfucker the other night. Meanwhile, last night, Chappelle's on in the fucking main room. Ari's having a show down there. It was just... The other night, Arsenio brought up Norm McDonnell,

and Norm McDonald brought up Ron White. They all popped in. I mean, it was amazing. It's amazing. It's just something, and we're being a part of it. Yeah, I can't believe it. Kids will go up there going, fucking Saratiana. I just heard that podcast with Joey.

That's fucking amazing. Yeah. Lee, what's up with you, baby? How's the new podcast going? I'm proud of you. You're putting your shit together. I really am having a good time with Johnny Rock. That's a good combination.

Yeah, he's a really good guy. He's a 20-8. Johnny Rock, I'll tell you how deep I go back with Johnny Rock. He brought me up on our first CD together. It's either you or the priest. How fucking deep do I go back with Johnny Rock? That's so crazy. I told him, get in the car, go down there, do 10 minutes in front of me.

What's that mean? Muffler deep. That's right. And you know what he's doing today? He's driving all up to rooster tea feathers, and then he's going to come back tonight. Wow. Oh, my goodness. He's got a lot of heart, my friend. That's what it's all about here.

Listen. So the podcast is called Life and Neutral. Knife and Neutral on iTunes, correct? And Stitcher and Everywhere. The next time you see us, motherfucker, is there'll be brick behind us. We'll look even handsome under what we are right now. And that's all I can tell you guys. Thank you very much for supporting the church.

Thank you for supporting the Savage Dad Tour. Starts next Thursday in Charlotte. Proceeds the following week, February 4th. And St. Louis Moe with Joey Falado be there. He's cooking chicken cutlets with fucking black beans and rice, North Bergen style. So fuck it, cock suckers. I love you guys. Have a great weekend.

Always remember, they could all suck your dick at the end of the day. You're going to put music on Lee? You're going to sit there like a Mama Lucreier. You're slipper. Oh, my God. He's so stone. Yes, he is. That's how we do it here on the church.

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