The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #350 - Bobby Lee

Episode Date: January 26, 2016

Bobby Lee, Comedian, actor, and host of the "TigerBelly" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Ring: Go to ring.com/church to get Free expedited FedEx shipping. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Music: I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet    

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Go to Onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alford Bay in a new mood. Your skin right here is weird right here. It's white. No, it's almost like Twilight, white, you know what I mean? What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?

Monday, January 25th, the day the devil was buried at sea. We're back here on the church with our guest tonight, my main man, Bobby Lee. Yeah. And the assistant, the main man, the king of swing, the Jew with the pew,

fucking Lee Syatt. What's happening, people? I'm happy to be here. The new studio. I'm happy to be here. That's right. I'm working on my impression of you. I'm happy to be here.

Everyone? Everyone does that impression of me. I don't think I sound like that, but okay. No, you don't. Is that what you do when you focus? Oh, yeah, I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be here. It feels good.

Sometimes. He is happy to be here. He worked on. You're a good guy, dude. Don't be offended, man. I'm not offended. I love you, Bobby. You're always nice to me.

I want to thank Kevin for putting the studio together. From AfterBuzz. He did a great fucking job. He really did. He came in here and busted his balls with Papa. This is a nice place right here, man. It's very nice. It's walking distance.

It's new. there's new spirits in here. We got the turntable. We got fucking everything. What's up with you, brother? I'm good, dude. I just got back from Cleveland, bro. How was to Cleveland?

It was good. The audience is great, but dude, check it out. Calabities. Yeah, dude. Great club. So this manager Saturday, no, yeah, Saturday comes up and goes, here's a note. And some dude called in during the day and said, here's my review on Bobby's set. Right?

So he put, he's disgusting. I have it on my Twitter, actually. I'll read it to you. Oh, sorry. Yeah, he, first of all, you don't give that to the comic, do you? No. A review? You just let it go.

I was going to kill myself. Was the owner or the manager? He was a manager. He was new, and then the clock dude, the manager, and the owner, Nick yelled at him. You know, Nick's a good dude. Nick's a good dude. He's a good, he's my favorite. He's like 75 years old.

This guy's out there wrestling Puerto Rico. He's strong, yeah. He don't give a fuck, yeah. Oh, here. Why did it give feedback on Bobby Lee's show? found him to be very obscene, crude, and tasteless. Very nice. Those are good words.

Yeah, but you're a comic. Yeah, but dude, it's like, why would you call, you know, out of, you to put the time in to do that? And someone wrote it down at the club? And then a club, and then somebody wrote it down at the club. Why would you write it down? And then why would you give it to me? Like, here's, your day's going to be fucked. Listen to this.

You know what I mean? It's like, it hurts your feelings. You still get your feelings hurt? Dude, like last week I was in Irvine Improv and 12 women got up and just walked out. Five minutes of my set. Do you know why? Why? Because these are 12 women who met at a support group because their kids all have Down syndrome.

And my first three minutes were about Down syndrome. And so they got up and left. Did they yell? No, but then they got their money back from the club. And then the manager tells you after the show. And it makes you feel like shit. It's like, I don't have anything against their country. kids. Every time I'm with Joey and someone

walks out, you just laugh. You love it. I laugh. You do. Yeah. You've got to push some of these buttons. You have to. You have to. Yeah. You have to, you know, it's like Brad Pitt said to make an omic, you're going to break some eggs. So sometimes you've got to hurt somebody's fucking feelings. Yeah, but why would you come out? Right? You just, you look at my photo, right? I'm naked

in the photo. You know what I mean? And they go, Bobby Lee this weekend. And then 12 older white women, you know what I mean? Who have Downs babies? You know what I mean? they all come and enjoy my, they know something's gonna be said. Like if you don't have 90 sets on YouTube. Like, they didn't take the time to look at your YouTube.

Yeah, like if I was, if I came to your show and I go, wow, I'm a Christian, he swore a lot. Well, that's my bad.

I mean, I didn't know he was Puerto Rico or whatever, you know what I mean? Or Cuban, whatever you are. Yeah, whatever. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You've called me Chinese before. No, I haven't. I always know you're Korean. Oh, you do? Yeah.

Oh, I always knew you're a good guy, you're a good guy. Listen, you could, you're going to expect people to get upset, especially in today's society, especially in the society we live in. People are going to get accepts, but what I don't understand is it's like a movie trailer. Before you go to the movie, you know there's some fucking in the movie or there's not. You know it's PG or R.

Same thing with the club. Same thing with YouTube. You can just go on YouTube and look at the comic. Oh, I recognize them from Mad TV or from some fucking movie or whatever, you know. Yeah. But my thing is that I have a door deal. I don't give a fuck if they left, but they get their money back, right?

I'm Asian. I want my money. You want your money? Yeah, that was like, that's like $22 or worth, $25. Even if they just saw three minutes, fuck them. You want your money. Fuck you. I want my fucking $25.

I'm from the other, listen, if they want to leave, leave. You want your money back, take the fucking money back. You made a mistake. But most of these people in today's society, they go home, write a review on Yelp, send you a fucking email, tell you how.

I had a guy that sent me a thing from me. Vegas. He goes, that was the fucking dirtiest show I've ever seen. And he put, learned something from Cosby. Oh, is that what he said? That's what he wrote to me. And I'm like, Cosby raped fucking women, you dirty, dumb fuck. So, you know, that's the, you know, it just

listen, you're not going to please everybody all the fucking time. Somebody's going to get upset. I feel bad when Dead Squad guys come to my shows and bring their wives. And they're like, we love it. You could see the girls are like, I don't even know why fucking came here. This is crazy. He's talking about eating my ass and

breaking into somebody's house and eating their pussy. So I know most women are sitting there going, what the fuck? But they love their men, you know, and they tolerate that shit because it makes them happy, you know? But the thing is, is that we don't think what we're saying is wrong. Like, you know, I have a bit about, like,

a tie hook or eating my butt hole, right? And then my girlfriend was like, you know, my mom was in the audience, and I just don't think you should have told that joke. I go, what's wrong with it? Like, I don't know that it's wrong, but I guess... Well, is it wrong? It's not wrong. It's just that they're offended by it or it makes them weird.

You have to understand when a Midwestern white person or whatever, right, they go to school, they have church on Sundays, right? They go to work from 9 to 5. You know what I mean? They have kids. They don't know anything about that. So when I'm bent over on a stool and this Asian lady is eating my bahaole, right? Like to me, that's every day.

You know what I mean? I think about that every day. Yeah, that's my life. It's lifestyle. You know what I mean? but to them it's like, oh, shocking, you know what I mean? There's no man in America that doesn't want his butthole eating. Okay?

You said it. I love it. I mean, there's no man that will say to you, you know what, I really don't enjoy when a woman licks my asshole. That guy, you just walk into the field. Do you like eating but I like eating butt hole? I like eating it. I like my asshole eating, but who am I going to talk to eat my ass? You know what I'm saying?

I got to talk like a fucking mule to eat my ass. Yeah, yeah. Like a mule or cat to lick my ass? I seem like if a dirty ass is probably just a big butthole. It's disgusting. That's my whole point. That's why I'm not... It's delicious.

Oh my God. Everybody's asshole is purple and like bulbous. Is yours is bulbous? Mine looks like a black person's foot. It's pink and fucking. It looks like it stepped on a firecracker. Yeah. Like a black dude stepped on a firecracker.

Mine's cute. Mine's cute. It's like pink and very tight. My poop looks like angel hair pasta. You know, it just comes out like a little tin of noodles. That's disgusting. And I know. That's disgusting.

Thank you, man. No, but, you know, think of, if a guy walks out of a show, there's no man in America. If a woman drops to her knees and says, I want to lick your ass, I don't believe in that. I think there's a lot of guys who would say, you know, to that. Let me lick it. Well, first of all, no woman's going to tell you she's going to lick your ass.

She's just going to stick her tongue in there, and you're going to hit the fucking, your eyeballs are going to hit the third eye. Is that really what happens? Sure. Your girlfriend doesn't eat your butthole? No. No. Look at me right now.

No, not at all. Why not? Because I don't want her to. That's on you. Oh, but, oh, well, I don't... That's on you. And you got to look in the mirror and you have to question yourself, man. Okay, listen, I'm a big dude.

There's no way, like, even after a shower, like today I took a shower and then immediately had to take a shit. So I'm... That's me, too. It's never clean. Me too. But then how do you have a girl lick it? The thing is, is that if they love you, they'll do it, you know?

Like, I love my girlfriend, you know? I've done it, you know? And it's not, you know, there's like a, a taste, you know, a real. Residue. Is it residue? Of shit. But no, but you don't know what shit. Yeah. But shit doesn't taste like shit.

It smells like shit. When you eat shit, it doesn't taste like shit. Really? What does it taste like? It tastes like... Like the food you ate. It tastes like the time. It's only brown now. With the taste of intestines.

That same, fuck. That same chicken caught and blue you eat at night. Tastes the same way, shit. In fact, when you taste shit, you'll say to yourself, hmm. Fuck. It's a steak I eat. that root's crazy.

It's only brown with the taste of it, intestin and grass. Yeah. I've never eaten shit, but I smell my finger after you scratch your asshole. So when you looked at girls' butthole, you never tasted shit? If I do, what do I care?

It's part of the game. That's part of the... It's a game. It's Vietnam. I'm going deep. What I care? What I care? Having a machete.

Yeah, once you go down there, what do you care? Right. Exactly. I don't know. Blow jobs and sex are good enough for me, man, I don't know. But you've got to get freaky from time to time.

That's freaky enough. your ass up and your fire cracking Let me ask you this Do you go down on your girl? Absolutely You do? Absolutely And you don't travel south?

Nope So you use that DMZ line You just stop there? Do you look at it? Have you ever looked at their asshole? Of course you look at it Because it's there But it's like

I've What are you gonna do Not look? It's there During doggy During doggy you look at it But like I'm not gonna stick anything Have you ever seen your own asshole?

I've never seen mine When you go to the How When you go to the When you go colonoscopy. They send your pictures of the camera three inches from your asshole going in. It shows you're in test. You got to do it. You're not 50 yet. Oh, okay.

But you turn 50, they make you do it. Sag makes you do it. So it's the first time you ever saw it? That's, yeah, you know. You had a high-depth video. I mean, one that I was all going up, I put like a little mirror back then to see what was going on. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, yeah, Sag will make you get the camera up the ass and also they'll send you an envelope

and you got to put a piece of shit in there, mailing it. You got to be kidding me. I swear to God, look at 50. Wait, wait. They give you a little envelope with a little stick. Yeah. You got to shit and take the stick and put it in the envelope, seal it and mail it to them. And what do they do with that?

They test the insides every like three years just to make sure you're fucking, you don't swallow. Seriously? Shit like that, yeah. I ain't 50 yet, so maybe it'll be, I can't wait. 50? 50, 49, they call you. Can't wait. Kaiser called me when I was 49.

Saga just gave me the envelope again to take a shit. In fact, it was up here. I left it here because it was in my bag. You still have the envelope? It's around here somewhere. It was in the old office before I moved it. Jesus. You working on TV films?

What are you doing these days? Well, I'm doing that love thing, which is like Judd's thing, but I'm only on three episodes. And I did an independent movie that Universal just bought what I'm excited about. But other than that, I'm just hitting the road hard. You know what I mean? I'd like to talk about, you know what I mean, the John Caparillo situation. Absolutely. Before we get on John Caprullo, I want to tell you something as your brother.

You have gone. You have gone from one step to another in stand-up. Like, your stand-up now, it's the best of it. You, dude. You were killing me about two weeks ago. You're a fucking beast, bro. I've been watching you, and I'm like, this guy changed completely. That fucking one bit about the Irish movie that you do.

I love that. The fucking jungle gook with the Filipinos. I still laugh at that. I called my Filipino friends and told him, they're like, fuck him. Yeah. You bring that up every few months. I love it. like Bobby Lee calls Asian.

Jungle Asians, not Jungle Gook, bro. Jungle Asians. Because my girlfriend's a jungle Asian. That's why you say it. I think I can say that now. Yeah, but once we break up, then I can't say it no more. You can't say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's funny now you have to, what's the girl Wong up at the store? Who's Wong? The dirty girl from Chelsea? She just had a baby. Allie Wong. She's the best. And she was saying the other day, you know, I'm Chinese and something, and my husband's Japanese and something.

And we said home and talk about Filipinos or whatever. I love her. I love her. That joke about that she had to have a kid because a pussy wasn't getting moist anymore. Oh my God, I'm sitting the back on. What the fuck? Allie Wong's very funny, man.

You know what's great about the store now, though, is that since you and Joe have come back. No, everybody. It's just... No, listen to what the fuck I'm saying. Will you listen to what the fuck I'm saying right now? Yeah, I'm getting you a compliment, right? But you have to understand it came,

you came with the new changes. Right? Because I've been there since the dark ages. I never left. Right. So I've seen it grow. I've seen it destroyed. And it's better now than it's ever been. What was the first time you stepped foot? I went to the first time of Hollywood call up 1996. Yeah. And I was young. I was a kid. I was scared. And I did a belly room show. And I got a couple of laughs. And I called my mom. I'm going to make it. You know, I remember Dante being there. There, you know, Dante, the comic for you. White comic. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, you did a good job. Fuck Dante.

And I'm never going to talk to that guy again. Okay. He fucked me. I'm going to talk about that later. Okay. But aside from that, yeah, so I was 96 and then I moved up here in 98, and I got a doorman job. And it was rough, bro.

For two years of just struggling. It was like, I remember one time I was sleeping out of my truck because it was like between places to live. And Jimmy Schuber during the day, knocked. on my window, I was sleeping in my truck, and he goes, Hey kid, uh, you hungry? I go, yeah, I'm going to buy a sandwich. Jimmy Schubert walked me down the street to Greenblats,

and he bought me a sandwich, and I'll never fucking forget it. You know, it's that kind of fucking shit that I never forget, man, you know? Dice did that too a couple of times, and that's why, I mean, people don't like Mensia. And I understand why. But he was very good to you. But for Jimmy, he bought me a fuck. fucking car. Like, I didn't do anything.

He was, I was his opener. And he goes, hey, dude, he's a car. You know what I mean? It wasn't new. It was his sister's, his girlfriend's sister's car. But still, it's like, they didn't have to do that. You know what I mean? So it's like, I have had that relationship with Carlos.

You know what I mean? But the whole time when I was opening for him, yes, you saw that he lifted bits. You know what I mean? But I would defend him because of the fact that he, he did so much for me. I was so poor. And the agent that I have now is because of Carlos. You know, I'm still with Matt, you know?

And it's like, you know, I am loyal, you know? And when that shit went down, I was divided because I love Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan and I are very good friends. I love him. I've friends. I've been to his house. You know, you know, I love the guy. He's a great guy.

But I was caught in the fucking middle of this fucking war. It was the worst two years of my life, seriously. Because when that video came out that, Joe exposed Carlos with the Bill Cosby thing. Do you remember that? Yeah, you looked very uncomfortable. Yeah, I was in that video. So, you know what he did?

Carlos made me do a rebuttal video. So I was, because I remember Mad TV was right next to Mind of Mencia. And it was during the last couple of years of Mad, and he caught me on set, right? He, him, his brother and Albert, they sat me down and they go, you're going to do this rebuttal video that he doesn't steal. And then when that went out, oh, my God, I had that. threats for a year. From comics, I want to fucking kill you. You're never going to work again. I mean, it was

crazy, dude. So it was a really fucking difficult time, dude. I'll tell you, I met Carlos in the summer of 94 on the HBO Latino Locoslam tour. Yeah. I had fucking eight minutes of material.

And I got picked to open for him to do five minutes. I'll never forget that night because the kid who gave me a drive, a ride, brought his girl. He was from Brooklyn. Like, you know all the movies you see from Brooklyn? Like, he was from Brooklyn. And the girl he brought from Brooklyn was from Brooklyn, and he would tell her,

shut the fuck up and sing. Is it in the middle of nothing? In the middle of nothing. We were driving. He would go, Coco, this is Janice. Say hello to Coco. And then we get in the car, and he's like, where are we going? Denver to this place. And on the way, she would say, I love the mountain. Shut the fuck up and sing.

I told you to sing, and she would sing. She would sing like a disco song And he would tell her, shut up, bitch, keep talking. Then she would sing for two. Then she would say something again. He'd go, what did I just tell you? Sing a fucking song. She wants to be a singer, Coco.

And she would sing in the car on the way there. It was fucking horrible. The girl was horrible. He kept telling them, don't worry, I'm going to make calls for you. I'm going to make you a star. Just keep fucking singing. What were you doing as she was singing? Just sitting in the back.

Dying in the back. Just dying. But I took Carlos' number, and I called him after that. He was very good to me when I got to the store. Carlos was one of the ones that made a call for me to be a regular at the store. So I, too, was in the middle of that. You know, I knew Carlos for the longest time. Well, I mean, can't people.

What are you doing? That was his number then. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how long I've known Carlos for. I still remember his number of my head. I used to call him up and ask him for help. I knew Carlos, and that was in the same fucking position in the way.

I felt bad. I felt bad. Remember we were in the Latino Laugh Festival, you and I in San Antonio, we had no money. No money. You and I had no money. And his manager took us out. Yes. Where is he?

Worthy Patterson. Yeah, he's still around. His kids are grown and stuff. I think he works for another bigger management firm. I don't know how well he's doing, but yeah, Worthy bought us meals because we couldn't eat. Couldn't eat. Do you believe that shit? I mean, it's just because someone steals jokes and because they're a bad, they're a bad,

they do bad things professionally it doesn't mean they're a bad person I mean I mean it's But in comedy though You know Well I mean I can understand why people I mean that's always why it always shocks me

When people who do stuff like that Are also assholes Like if you're gonna if you're gonna do shitty things Be a nice person Like at least try to be a nice person On other aspects of your life Listen it's funny because I was thinking about this today Because all the Amy Schumer stuff

Another one can't Another allegation came out I was sitting there thinking to my... Who allegate? Who was the allegate? Somebody, she stole another sketch for his show. Oh, yeah. I'm sitting there going, you know, I still remember when somebody came to me

and said to me about Carlos. And they said a couple of things they wanted to do to him, and I said, listen, you're not going to accomplish nothing with smacking this kid. I'll never forget this. I said, what you need to do is let him do what he's doing, and eventually he'll kill himself. You know, I didn't mean it in a bad way.

Because I'm a thief. I'm a real thief. I know it is to put a gun to some of it is to break in somebody's window. But I would never rob somebody's joke. I knew the price I paid when I was thief. I know the prices I paid. I could name 20 of them the price I paid. So you always pay for your fucking cents.

You know, when I first started in the business, the biggest joke thief on the world was Robin Williams. Everybody told you, even when I started in 91, that was the biggest thing people would tell you. He's a fucking joke thief. He paid people off. Like Stephen Pearl he stole from. Brian Bradley, yeah.

You know, so you have to think to yourself, didn't this guy kill himself? You know? Yeah. It's something that's really weird. I'm going to ask Bobby Lee a question. This is going to be the weirdest question. Bobby Lee, if tonight, God forbid, and this is a big, God forbid, you're on your way to heaven.

What? And you made your decision. And you made the decision. I'm just saying. Like, if I die. If I die. No, no, no. You never killed yourself.

Let's pretend if I die. And I think of this whole comedy game on the way up. And what I really got from comedy game, it wasn't the audience. It wasn't the money. It wasn't the ability to make people laugh. To me is what you said. When somebody did give you a car,

when my car broke down in Nebraska, some girl picked me up and gave me a ride to the gas station and stopped and bought me food. When Bobby Lee gave me a hun-up. I went up to Bobby one night and I go, Bobby, I'm broke. And he gave me how long was out of his pocket. Never asked me for it. Joe Rogan, who hated cocaine.

Hate it cocaine. A couple nights and got to the point where I needed money, I go, Joe, I need money. He'd go, and he'd give it to me. Ralphie Mae. You know, the people who take care of you without you even asking, he gave you a car. There's so many great lessons I've learned from comedy.

So many great fucking lessons that you sit there and go, holy fuck. You know, holy fuck. And here I thought it was going to be this. And look how nice this was, you know. You don't get there by yourself. Never. It's impossible. Never.

Never. If you look back of like who got you, you know, I mean, audited. for a club or who put in a good word for you. I mean, all the little tiny fucking things, right? You can't just do it by yourself. You need people. You need people that are ahead of you that have some sort of power. And that's why I do it now.

It's like if you want a commercial agent, I know the dude, my dude, you know, from Aqua. He's a Korean dude. The Korean. That's the man. That's the man of steel. Yeah. So it's like, I help, you know, I do it. You know, not because I'm a good person.

It's because that's the way the thing is supposed to. the fucking work. You know what I mean? You gotta help people. Without any young comics We have nothing. We have nothing. We have nothing. I tell all the time. Those young comics are like, keep me in chicken college when I'm 70. They're all gonna, when they're all stars, they're gonna go, I know who can play my grandpa. This kid Jack Knight, who I had me, I had him open a year ago in La Brea, a Braia Improv. Comedy Central came out to see me, right? They didn't like my act, but they liked him.

He was a kid, black kid, right? He gave him like three shows. You know, like, you know, Adam Devine's beach party, whatever that was. And now Chappelle's using him as an opener. And Jack is like, is that all right with me? I'm like, dude, I want you to fucking do it. When I saw you a year ago, right? He only had 15 minutes, right? He's 21 years old.

He's a cute, black, very good writer, right? I'm like, I know it's going to happen for you. Yeah, so go, fly. You know, without them, we got nothing. And that's why when John went crazy, you know what I mean? Caparillo, eight years ago or whatever, you know what I mean? It just baffles me, you know? It was very sad because I saw him when he came into the store.

And we were friends. I remember he was a doorman. And one night he kept saying to me, I don't get spots. And I go, you know why you don't get spots? Because you don't pay Duncan. And he goes, what are you talking about? I go, you got to pay Duncan $15 a spot. He goes, but that's what they pay me.

I don't give a fuck. You didn't know that? Every week on Friday, you've got to give Duncan $75 and he'll give you five spots. I've been doing it for years. Why do you get so many spots? And Duncan's walking towards me. And I go, Dunk, come here. This fucking kid don't know.

They're supposed to pay you $15 a spot. He's like, yeah. I go, every Friday you've got to pay a Vig. And you've got to give it to me and I'll give it to Duncan, okay? And he was going for it. And finally I gave him a hug. And I go, Cap, this was, and we laughed and it was hilarious. Yeah.

And then one day he comes. up to me and he pulls rank on me. And then, you know, that's all that happened. I mean, they already know the listeners. Now, tell me your version of what you're going to tell you what happened. Okay. All right. So John Cabrillo is from Ohio.

He came off the bus, you know. Great family. He comes from a great family. But he's a white kid, you know, kind of like on the other side of white, which means that he's low economic, you know. But he's a smart kid, super driven. and he started dating Shema Tosh, who I lived with. Remember Shema?

The Turkish girl, she's like Kharatops opener. I talked to her three weeks ago. Yeah, Shama, she's very, very funny. So she was dating John and John, here's what happens. When you're nothing and then all of a sudden one day they say you're something, sometimes you take that power, right, and it fucks up your brain. So there was a couple of years there where he thought that he was the shit Because he was hot

He was one of the best panelists on Chelsea lately and he was his specials were good And it got to his head I mean one night he told me that Hey man I don't want to do the same show with you at the comedy store So Tommy Tommy's got to have to figure it out I go yeah there's only one show dude So if I'm not doing the same show with you I'm out

He's like well you're not a real comic anyway That's what he told me okay so in my head i want to fucking take a knife and puncture his throat you know what i mean just got you know what i mean right his throat but i'm not murder i don't gonna do that right so i let it seep and then Tommy separate us on the lineup for a couple years and then several years later he toned down you know but that was right around you mean when you had a problem with him so it's just that he's just one of those kids that got something and then it got to his head anyone fucking crazy.

You know, the longest yard got to my head. The longest yard got to my head, okay? The movie. Yeah, when you were on it. When you were there for six weeks, and all of them, they put you on for 17 weeks, and you're rubbing shoulders,

Adam Salon, every fucking AD and every producer's telling you when this movie comes out, you're going to fucking hit. It fucks with your head. It fucked in my head. A lot. A lot of fucked in my head.

Not once I go to the store and bump. Not once that I go to the store and tell a talent coordinator. I didn't want somebody on the lineup because they were funny in me or they weren't funny in me. That didn't make me do all that craziness. He had this other thing going with Tommy. And I get it.

And I get all the other stuff. But the creepy things he did was get in front of somebody's talent. That was the creepy thing he did. He did it to you. He did it to Deleer. He did it to a couple other guys. And I don't want to beat this horse to death because it's gone. He's done.

He's not going to fucking fight with me. He's not going to come back on me. I'm not going to do nothing to him. I just wanted to let him know how I felt. that I didn't forget about this. I don't forget about anything. Whether you do something bad to me or would you do something good to me.

I don't forget about anything. I don't want to beat him up. I don't want to fist fight him. He attacked me and I just told him. And you know what's funny? There are people at the store that are actors that become comics. There are those people.

You, my friends, are not one of them. You are not one of them. You were a comedian first. You banged it out with us. I remember your little brother coming to the show. You know, you banged it out first. You gained the acceptance of your father. This was big for you.

you. This was big for you. You're not some white dude from Orange County. You had to go home and tell you that I want to be a fucking comedian. He looked at you and go, what? Are you fucking retarded? Get to some fuck. Go make some kimchi or whatever the fuck you're going to do. But you're saying? You know what I mean? This was big for you. This was big for a lot.

You know, he just did some things that whatever, you know, you're in a bad state of mind. Do I forgive him? I'm done. I don't really give a fuck. Like I told you man, those people iced themselves. When you do that type of shit, if you don't pay, the piper, it starts fucking

with your head later on. I know in life I've paid the fucking pipe. I paid for my sins heavily. Man, when I used to be a thief, my life, yeah, I was snorting coke and getting my dick sucked, but let's look at what really was going on inside. I was living on people's couches. I had no life. I was broken inside. So, bro, you

pay for all that shit. I felt bad when I was using, I gave you so many drugs. I don't give a... Do you remember that, though? Fuck, yeah. I used to kill you, just piles of pills and stuff, and I just feel so bad. I'm 14 years. sober now, but back in the day, dude, I remember seeing Diaz and I had to get out with my briefcase and pull it out.

You know what I mean? I was a medicine man back then, man. Remember that? You used to sleep in your bathtub and shit? I used to sleep in the bathtub because of the sleep apnea and leave the hot water on all night and just sleep in the tub and let the water hit me so I could breathe. And you'd be able to sleep with the water on? Oh, I love sleeping with water on with a fire.

I get a pillow and put a garbage bag on it. Is this a relapse? Because I've been 14 years sober. I'm fine with it, but this is not. Open the door. No, no, no, no, no, don't, don't, don't look at it. Open the door. Open the door.

No, no, no, no, it's fine. It's already happened. It's dissipated. That's fine. It's fine. You know what I mean? I'm not buzz. I'm fine.

But can you get high like that, though? Maybe with his stuff, but not, I don't know. I think you'll be fine. All right. Like, how, like, is it hard? Because you could both have had pretty great careers. Like, I know you're not done, but you've had good things happen to you. Is it hard not to start being like, oh, I'm going to bump all these people at the store.

I'm going to do all that. would I want to do that? Why would I call in on a Monday? They gave me 15 fucking minutes. That's enough time. Sometimes I'll do 20, you know, and then I'm out. Why would I, they'll give me my spot. I called in today. They're going to give me a spot pretty much every night. If there's one night, they might not, but that's fine. And I just do it. And that's it. Why would I go mysteriously unannounced and then go up to a kid, you know what I mean, who's struggling and go, by the way, me and Joey are going to bump you and you're not going to go on for another hour. Why would I do that?

I think it's the same, you could say the same thing. Like, why do these bankers defraud people? Like, you could make the argument that it's just never enough for some people. There's never enough money. There's never enough stage time. Yeah. But also, I think the commonestores run in a way that you can't do that anymore, really. I mean, the guy, I'll tell you who can bump.

And that's only a handful. Louis C.K., Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. Bill Burr, maybe Sarah Silverman because she'll just, you know, who she is and she'll only do 10 minutes anyway, you know what I mean? But that's pretty much it. And I have no problem with that.

Yeah, me either. I have no problem. Rogan can do it. I have no problem with that. And he won't know. He won't do it, but he could. But if Bill, Bill has come up to me, Burr, and Chappelle or whatever,

and they said, hey, can I go before you? Yes. Yes. Absolutely. I don't care. You know, because it's not like what they used to do in the 19th. days. When Eddie Griffin used to do three hours.

Do you remember that shit? My God. Three hours. Andrew? Dice would do three hours. That would mean that if you had a 945 spot, you're not getting up. You would literally, you would literally see Dice's car pull up. And you would just leave.

Or yeah, but not just leave. You would scream, right? And throw something a fuck, you know what I mean? And then you would get in the car and then leave. Because you had no spot. No money. And you wanted that $15. That's $15.

$15, you counted on that $15. They wouldn't give it to you if you got bumped? No. Because they wanted you to stay in wait. Yeah. So unless you stayed in wait, two and a half. I mean, Eddie Griffin would go on at 10 and stay on until fucking 10 to 2. And then I left you a little something.

Yeah. What would he say for three hours? He would talk about for an hour of how he was Jesus one night. For two hours, he was trying to convince the room that he was literally Jesus Christ. You know, and it wasn't jokes. I'm Jesus. And that's it. I'll tell you why.

You know what? It's like, what? And that would, and they would let that, you know what I mean, happen. And that's why industry never came. That's why the real credible comics never wanted to play there. But now, everyone plays there because it's run fairly. And it's a, it's the best room in L.A. It's, right?

By far. By far. By far. Like when Flappers, check this out. When did Flappers come out? Five years ago? Okay, so this is what happens. I get the call from the lady.

What's her lady's name? Barbara. She calls me. He goes, hi, left a message. Hi, I'm Barbara. I'm opening up a comedy club called Flappers. And I remember you from back in the day, you know what I mean, from my visits at the Comedy Store.

And I would like you to perform at my room. I called her immediately. And I said, I'd love to do it. So you have weekends? She goes, well, you're not a weekend guy. I go, excuse me? Yeah, I'm having Jimmy Dorr and, you know, these names on it. And Avi Lieberman, you know, they're the headliners and they're doing the weekends.

You're more of a Tuesday call in, you know what I mean? And I'm like, bitch, I'm with CAA. Bitch? You know what I mean? I've done movies and TV shows, bitch. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I go, okay.

That's what I said. Okay. And then I hung up, right? But it's like I will never play that room And then a year later She left another message I'm so sorry You can do a weekend

You know what I mean But at that point Done Fucking done I will I have stepped in that room Maybe twice in my life Just because my girlfriend

Was performing the open mic there Because you want to try stand up And I had another friend do open mic Whatever I stopped I was done last Tuesday At open mic No and uh They do a Tuesday

Oh they do Yeah yeah Dang and I was there on Tuesday And when Have you ever done a weekend there? One time I did the Friday night. Well, there you go. But I never did it again.

Nice club, but I just don't need to do it. Yeah, yeah. Why? It's not good, right? It's a good club, and they get good people, and it's Burbank. I just thought that the whole thing wasn't worth the aggravation. Like, I got fucking, you know, Dead Squad people don't buy tickets until Friday. Their stoners.

And she kept calling me Wednesday and Tuesday. Like, yeah, I'm selling tickets. You got to give away tickets. And I'm like, I ain't giving away Dick canceled me. and then Friday she came in and apologized she goes hey man when I got here until there was a bunch of stoners out there waiting to buy tickets and shit

and she's a nice lady it's a great club it's just not what we're used to and there's a lot of clubs that we're not meant for Bobby Lee and we go there one time and you know when you walk in you're like ooh this is not me I've literally gone up to club owners and said

it's a nice club don't ever ask me back No, you have. I have. This is the worst weekend of my life. No, you have. I have. I don't give off, because I don't even want them to call my agent to even see. One of the guys at Kansas City, right, he was a Christian.

The wig or the club, improv club? Improv. Oh. Right? He's a Christian. And when I told him that, he goes, can you get on your knees and pray with me? I go, what? So we get on the knees.

He said, he wasn't a joke. He goes, dear Lord, please. open Bobby's heart to this club, you know what I mean? And I'm like, I got up, I got back on my two feet. I, I, I, I, he was holding. My head was sweaty.

You know what I mean? Like, it was like vibrating and it was sweaty. And I got up and I got, dude, this is the fucking reason. This is the reason I don't want to come back here. Was it just too clean? It's just the, one show, a lady stood up,

and I didn't even know what this word meant. I had to Google it. She goes, heathen. Never heard it before my life. And in the Kansas City, they just called you a heathen? I go, heathie. I didn't know what the fuck I meant. I'm retarded.

I don't know what I meant. And then I googled it. I go, that fucking cunt. I ain't no fucking heathen. You know? And as soon as that happened, I got to never come into the fucking place again. Was the food good? Was the club good?

Yeah. The hotel was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just didn't like the club. You know, dude, it's like, if it's a lot of white people, like 99.9.9% white, I generally can't play it. Do you know why? Why?

Because of a cultural connection. If I play Seattle, 30% of my room are mixed, either Asian, blacks, Latino, right? And if I talk about my parents and my upbringing and if it's all white people, they just don't get it. I mean, the jokes, because it's constructed where I have a punchline, right? They do giggle at it, right? But it's not that like, kaka. like a cow where I really know what you're talking about. And I just don't want to do.

I don't want to convince people, you know what I mean, of who I am. You know me? It's like I just played Cleveland and I'll play, I only play that room because of Nick, the owner. Nick is, of hilarity. He's one of the best people ever met. Best, the best. And the audience is, I sold out, you know what I mean?

And the audience are great. You know what I mean? But it's hard. It's hard. Like every show I have to walk on and they go, you kill. I go, I don't know. I had a hard. time they had to. Yeah, in the middle, I lost

them a little bit. You lose them a little bit. Yeah, yeah. When I was talking about my purple nutsack, you know what I mean? And ethnic guys have purple nutsacks and stuff. And they're like, ours is pink. You know what I mean? Yeah, but mine is purple. I don't believe you. You know what I mean? It's that kind of thing. Where if there's ethnic people there go, yeah, dog, mine's purple too or whatever, you know what I mean?

Where else have you played the? This is great. What? Okay, so Pittsburgh. Oh my God. Steve Byrne told me to play it because he's from there. Right. Yeah, you're from. there you're going to do and you're also half white right i'm full asian i went there i mean you're talking about 60 people on a friday for a show you know i mean it's like you know i mean i'm swinging

500 seats sold out at irvine improv right shanberg improv sell out every show how's chanberg you like amazing you like shang yeah because it's close enough to chicago and there's just, you know, the cultural element is there. Canada, I fucking love. Canada's the fucking best. Everywhere in Canada. But there's some place, oh, you know what the worst one was? Denver Improv.

Have you played there? Yes. Oh, my guy. That was the worst. You know what happened to me then? Why didn't you like the Denver Improv? I'll tell you one night. Okay, I do a Thursday show, Friday show in front of like 40 people, a show. I'm not fucking kidding you.

Saturday, first show, I walk into club, the doorman put me in a headlock. He put me in a black guy. He put me in a headlock. He goes, yo dog, where's your ticket? I swear to fucking God. And on your third night there? Yeah, it's my third night.

I go, I'm the headliner. And he let me go. He's that, my bad. Bitch, you're supposed to fucking know that already. You know, it's not like we're, you know, it's not like a movie complex. Was it next to your poster at the front door? Well, it's not like there's 12. comics in 12 different rooms, you know what I mean?

It's one room, one guy playing the whole weekend, right? Know who that guy is. The same happened to me in Seattle, and I got him fired. In Seattle, I did two shows. I walked in a club, American Indian, long hair parades,

a boat, you sold out. I go, I'm the headliner, and when I got off the stage, he was fired. I didn't say to fire, They just did it because it's embarrassing. But then I got him his job back the next day. I felt bad because he had kids and stuff. And he's American Indian,

you know what I mean? How can you not know? You should fucking know who your fucking headliners. So it's Denver out. I went to Comedy Works. You know, that's the shit. You know what I mean? Pittsburgh out. Never again. I'll tell people. I love you

people in Pittsburgh. If you're listening right now, but I can't play that room again. It's a disaster. You know, here's another one. Fucking, I can't play fucking Dallas. What Addison Improv? Why not? I just, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's.

A girl has her titty out in the front row. That's a crazy room. Yeah. And it used to be crazy 10 years ago. Yeah. Like, that's a crazy fucking room. Put your titty away. That's a white neighborhood, Addison.

Yeah. It's next to a karaoke bar. Oh, my God. It's like, you know, the dueling piano. The dueling piano. Yeah, dueling pianos. So it gets all those knuckleheads in. Because if you go to a dueling piano,

you decide to get hit in the head with a fucking piano. Wait, it's in the same room. Right next door, so you hit a piano and shit. Yeah. All right. It's a great. I've always had fun of the Dallas Improv. It's a good room.

I just never made any fucking money, and I'm done with it. I try to 10 fucking times, and I'm done with it. Houston, I kill it. It's so weird. Like, some places you do really, right? Austin. Oh my God I can't even fucking believe

You just brought that up dude How's Austin I'm gonna tell you something That happened to me in Austin And I can't even believe You just said that because And it's an atrocity Right

And I'm gonna sue I might sue I was playing Austin a year ago Okay On the books Matt Blake calls me He goes you're out of You're out of a weekend

Right You're out of Austin I go why Because Rich Miller called me and said that the year before, you were in a limo with the limo driver. You pulled your dick out and you told the limo driver to suck your dick. That's what he said.

Did you? No. What the fuck? No, I didn't do that. Right? I go, excuse me, Matt, first of all, whenever I ever been in a fucking limo? And number two, Nick Yusef, my opener, was with me every second of every day.

I never fucking did that. Why would I do that? I'm sober, right? I go, give me Rich Miller's number. Rich Miller is Dennis Miller's brother. They don't know that people are listening, right? So Rich Miller is Dennis Miller's brother, and he books comedy rooms, right?

And he lives in Minnesota. I don't know the fucking guy, right? I call Rich Miller. He answers. I go, dude, I never pulled my dick out and told some white limiter to suck my dick. I'm not gay.

And also I'm sober. Like I'm in the AA. I have a sponsor. You know what I mean? I pray. I meditate. Why the fuck would I do that? He goes, I don't know anything about that.

I double booked you. Right? I double booked you. And it's the other guy's a friend of mine. He has no money. But I'll get you back on the books. That's what the fucking guy tells me. Right?

I hang up the phone. I call Matt. I go, that's what Rich said. He didn't even mention the dick-sucking thing. Right? So then Matt called, Rich again, Matt calls me back and goes, yeah, you did it. The dick sucking. So Rich Miller can't say it to my face.

He lies to me on my face, right? And then tells my agent that I did it. I never did it. And then I had my manager and my lawyer called the club itself to bypass Rich. And they won't answer our phone calls. I don't know what the fuck happened there. I love that fucking room. That's a great room.

I know it is! I know it's a great room, but I never tell... Why would I tell a stranger a guy to suck my dick? I know. Listen, listen to me right now. Okay. Okay. Ask me if I've ever sucked a dick before.

Have you sucked a dick? Yes. Whoa. I have. When? In high school. Why? Because I was drunk.

I'm not going to tell you who it was with a bunny. He pulled his dick out. And I was not high school I was like maybe 8th to 9th grade Okay Eight to 9th grade Okay Did he finish

No no no I just tasted a couple times I didn't like it was salty Right So check it out So I sucked it All right I'm willing to admit Every fucking awful

Dirty thing I've ever fucking done I'm not I'm not a fucking angel I've made mistakes I've been in and out of sobriety I've relapsed before I know my failties And I know exactly what I've done

In my fucking life All right If you've asked You know when they say Were you molested by a guy with Down syndrome? Yes He stuck his little sweaty fingers In my butthole when I was nine

And he gave me candy And I went back every fucking day For three summers in a row To get that candy And I let him stick his fucking sweaty fingers In my butthole And I jerked him off I don't give a fuck

I want the fucking dip candy You know he had the dip You know with the stick Right with it Right So I went back Every day for three summers or so To get my candy

What was it going on during the school year? What? Why do you only go down in the summers? Because he was the guy that mowed the lawn At the fucking skating rink during the summer And then during the winter it was So he never lived there But in the summer he was like the groundsman

Right so he was only in the summer And he lived in the shack there Right? And he had this candy on the rafters I'm just telling you this right now Because of the fact that it's a dark thing but it's like I'm I'll admit to it all right I've told my parents

every dirty thing I've ever fucking done and I've done many all right and I've apologized for bad things but I never pulled my dick out to a limo driver and then it's like my dick that never fucking happened and then I'm banned from a room and then I wanted to sue and then my agent's like

I do business with them with my other clients you know he was with CA so I like can you not i mean i'll i'll back you up so i let it go i'm telling you right now rich miller i never fucking did that shit and you should be a fucking shamed of yourself okay people listen in 98 i went to florida 97 summer 97 i went to west palm beach when it was the old club i got there wednesday i headline wednesday headlined thursday and friday saturday the black chick from the night court was headlining marshal warfield marshal warfield this is before She died.

I love you. And this before she died. And that Saturday... She died? I think she died. Uh-huh. And that Saturday, that Friday, I mean, I had people in Miami, and I bought Blow in Miami that Friday. And then that Thursday, I got high.

But that Saturday, I was talking to the waitress. And the waitress comes over the minute. Hey, man, can you get some blow? And she goes, yeah. So I go, how much? 90, whatever, I give her the buck money. 20 minutes later. the club manager comes in. He goes, hey, man, don't ever ask my waitress for blow again.

I mean, she ain't given it to me already. He goes, next time come to me. That's not where I thought you were going with it. Yeah. I go, I didn't know. Nobody fucking sent me the memo. You know, next time I'll go to you. Yeah. Okay. That Sunday night, whoever the club owner was, I don't need to mention his name. I do the early show at 7. The fucking show finishes at 8.30. Do you know what at 11 o'clock? I still wasn't paid because he was doing blow in the green room with whoever the fuck

some of the one of the other headliners and I could even smell the free basin okay I bought the gram of coke I got high, I didn't get high at the club I didn't hit on any of the waitches I got high at my cousins Friday whatever Saturday I got high in the hotel you could the condo

was so bad the condo didn't even have a fucking a shower curtain I mean I had to stay with my cousin the point of the story is I came home and three months later some headliner comes up to me goes hey man What'd you do in West Palm Beach? That owner will hate you.

He says you were doing fucking blow. Okay, the owner was doing blow on Saturday and Sunday fucking night in the green room with the other comic that was at the other. Yeah. Because they had Davey and they had whatever. Doesn't really matter who the fuck it was, but it's amazing how people will say shit. It depends how we take it. I was very insulted. And I saw him after that.

I never talked to him again. Ever since then, things have changed. And now when I see him, he's my best. friend and he wants to talk and you're doing great. But it's fucking crazy. I was at the store one night in the very beginning 97 and I went to the

door guy and I asked him for blow and I gave him 100 bucks and he gave me 620s for 100. So I had 620s. I think I had no audition the next morning. I was going to do two of them. I had four of them that I would have given away. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I do a couple bumps. A comic comes in there. Well-known comic comes in and I just met him. And he goes, hey man, I'm fucking exhausted. I go, you want a blast? He goes, yeah, I give him two blasts. And I go, hey, take one of the packages. Do you know a month later, he went to a pitch meeting

and my name came up and the guy called me a Cokefean? No. After I gave him a package? Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The famous guy? Yeah, pretty much. You're not going to name him? No.

Are you friends with this famous? He apologized? He said, because I hit him up. He did? Yeah, he hit up. I would have fucking killed him. Years later, I told him. He asked me what happened.

When it comes to industry, dude? Oh, my God. Somebody fucks you with industry, dude? Oh, he had tears in his eyes. He did that? Oh, he had... I was going to kill him for you just now. Because I was really mad when I was telling him.

Like, it hurt my feelings. I said, that's what I get for dealing with fucking Gentiles, and I'll never do it again. And I learned, but it's really weird because years later, I've heard stories where people were Coke fiends with people. And when they hit, they stopped talking to those people. Like, I know a lot of people that have done Coke with some people. certain celebrities. That's why I always took never to do coke with people because they'd stop talking to you. So that's why, that's what

I learned real quick at 98 that never do blow with people. Like I sold blow to somebody one day. Like a well-known agent called me one day. He was at the store and became friends. And he called me one day out of the blue and he goes, hey man, can you get me blown? And I said, yeah. So go meet me at El Camadrook. I'm the blowing like an hour

lady, he called me back. That it wasn't what he wanted. And I'm like, hey, and then he never talked to me again. Like, you know what I'm saying? So it was weird. And then I heard, like, there was this guy. I knew this guy at karate on Sunset Boulevard. He was a big guy. I used to talk to him after karate and shit.

And one day, he goes, can I buy you a beer? And we went over. And I became friends of the guy, and he showed me this. This is a great story. He went back after about three months. One night, he goes, let's go back to my house and smoke a joint. Went back to his house. He goes, I want to show you some.

And he started showing me fucking pictures of him in 1995, in 96. with a bunch of guys would blow everywhere and the beach behind them. He did pictures of blow? Like he just showed pictures of people partying. You know, when you do a blow, and there's women, and there's mirrors,

and there's lines on it. And one of the guys that was in every picture was James Gandafini. God bless his soul. Wow. He told me a very interesting story. He goes, I was with that guy for two years every weekend.

He was part of a clique that came down to party on the beach. They all lived in Hollywood. and they would come down the party on the beach. And they would get pills and drugs and whatever. And Gandafini was one of those guys. And he goes, I became good friends with him. He goes, I remember driving him to the set of the movie with the boat. What's the movie with Denzel and Gene Hackman on the boat?

That movie they made when the mutiny and shit like that. That was James Galafini's big, like James started working. He started booking like Get Shorty when Travolta beats him up. He did a bunch. So he goes, I still remember him driving him to that. set. Wow. You know, like, I was talking and him being crimson tired. What year was that?

95. 85. 8. I'm sorry, 95. And he goes, I remember him, you know, driving him and having a conversation with him. And this guy was a big Italian guy. And he goes, that he remembers one weekend talking to him and him going, I'm going to New York to shoot a pilot for some mafia show. It's not going to get picked up.

You know, it's not going to get picked up. Yeah, yeah. He goes, I'm going to miss you guys and shit. They got to go to New York. York. Well, the show got picked up. And he goes, one day I caught Gailafini. He goes, I got his number from one of my friends. I said, hey, Jimmy, it's fucking whatever. This guy since then died.

And he goes, Jimmy, it's whatever. Listen, man, the sopranoes are looking for this role. Can you help me on? He goes, bro, I love you at all my heart. Because that was a long time ago, man. I really can't. I hope you. Good luck. And he hung up on him. And he goes, Galifini wasn't a bad guy.

But he just didn't want me on the set with bad fucking habits the same bad habits he had He goes I figured that out a year late I bumped into him he didn't want him on the set Jimmy told him to his face he goes broke I had enough problems on my own You know I'm having enough hard time in New York on my own Every place I walk into somebody wants to get me a coke rock

Now I need you to fucking come up to me and fucking hang out with me so Plus I mean how often do you guys get hit up by friends Who you can't help everybody out But at least you have the Also but also a set though It's a workplace, right? And it's like, you don't need, it's also stressful. He's the star of the show, correct?

And he's got lines to memorize. The last thing you need is an element that's like a little weird. It's like, in the eight years I was on Matt TV, no one came. I had my dad come one time. You know what I just, it's my job. You know what I mean? It's like people are like, hey, can I get tickets? No.

What do you want to come for? I have to work. you know oh shit you know it's really interesting statement you made before because you can't

get to this place by yourself like I remember having no credits and going into like you're going to love this having basketball and having a pilot and having a commercial

but I needed that TV show and I got a call one day hey man mad TV's doing a sketch about the sopranos go in there just go down there and I made some calls

and I found out the office where it was, and I fucking went down there, because they submitted me too late, so he goes, just go down there and crash the audition. And when I get there, they stop seeing people. There was nobody there. But who walked out of the fucking office that was writing? The black kid.

Aries. Ariz Spears, with the impersonations. You know many times Aries Spears talked to me before then? Zero. He would see me at the store and go, what's up, brother. Do you want to how many times he said hi to me at eight years of the show with him?

Zero. But here's the thing. He said hello to me zero times at the store. I would do Freaky Monday with him and the other guy, the black show. But guess what? When he walked out of that door, he made out contact with me. And he walked over, and he goes, you here for the soprano bit? And I go, yeah, he goes, hold down one minute.

And he knocked on the door. He went in. I can tell everybody the truth. Yeah, yeah. He walked in, and he came on. He came out with some lady, and he introduced me to the main lady. And he goes, Nicole Garcia? Yeah, he goes, he's my mother,

from the store, you know, give me some love and shit, and I went in there and booked it. Wow. You know, grudge match, I got a call from the director. You know, think of all the things that we've booked just because we've known somebody. Meanwhile, when you were a kid and you were starting comedy, you're like, how did he get that role? I wonder how many times he auditioned. Yeah. People at home really knew that after a while, you just developed relationships.

I went to an audition last week, and there was a bunch of old Italians in there, and they were talking about Hollywood in the 80s and 90s, and they were talking about when cast people in the old days, recording go, I didn't book this? Like, you know how many people would want to book a pilot? Guess what? 15 years ago, I was in my house about to go get Coke. I swear to God, and I got a call from Julie Ashton. At 6.45 at night.

She goes, Joey, what are you doing tonight? I go, nothing. I got a spot. She goes, can you go to Fox? I forgot to cast a part on the pilot. NYPD Blue, 269. She goes, we'll negotiate in the morning, but I'm going to take care of you. just go and do this for me, please.

And I went and I had two lines, and I fell and I got shot, and the pilot never got picked up. But that was one of many opportunities. That people just called me up. That's how it was. I think I got like $8,000 for a fucking phone call the night before. You know how much I needed that fucking $8,000? So if you put the work in somewhere along the line,

just because you want something doesn't mean you'll get that. But you'll get something else if you put the work in. Can I tell you to know this stuff? And this is a little Why you should be nice to people Okay So if you twist that It'll stop on the side

Where right here? I know the little knob It'll stop falling off Why can you do it? Why can you be nice and do it for me? Like that? Thank you So I was a doorman

Right at the comedy store And this lady Was hanging around Like walking around the parking lot And I go Hey lady What do you need anything? She goes

I hate this club They're always so rude Because when I remember back then when like the Harris P. They were so fucking rude. Right. Yeah, two of those guys.

She didn't know what to do. So I go, you know what? I'll get you in. So I snuck her on the back. Right. I got her a seat. And then I didn't have any money at the time.

But she looked like somebody with power. And she seemed nice. So I got her a wine. She sat there. She saw whoever she needed to see. And then afterwards she goes, she was an agent at Gersia at the time. And she goes,

what's your name? I go, my name is Bobby Lee. Right. Two years later, I'm testing for, Mad TV. And she attended, she's now an executive, and she attended

my test, my audition. And she said afterwards that she was only there for me to get my job because I was so nice to her two years before. That night. Yeah. It was the weirdest cosmic experience. I mean, I got to that point

by doing 12 auditions. I mean, I did the work. But that last final thing, that lady was just sitting there, you know what I mean? And everything helps, you know? And like, she really, that was amazing. It was a big lesson

to just be nice to everyone you fucking know. You see. Is it hard for you? Growing up, I used to hate in school when there used to be group projects. I used to always be like, I'll just do myself. I couldn't trust other people. I didn't like working with them.

And hearing all you say, like, even now, like, we had this guy, Kevin, very nice help us with the studio. it's gone to the point where especially, I don't even know if it's this town, but you start becoming like a little bit wary of people who are trying to be nice or want to work with you

and it's nice to hear that not everybody is out there are people actually trying to help and being nice and it's, like did it take you a while to get to that place of accepting help and working with other people? Well, I mean, I think maybe it's an innate thing that you're born with. I really don't.

It's not something that you can. constantly decide. In my head, I'm like, you just feel it in your heart to be nice, and then you are. I mean, let me tell you something. I've had years where I was a fucking asshole, and I didn't help anybody. I mean, I thought I was the shit. But you know what? I've suffered. I mean, there were some years after Matt TV where I was the, nobody wanted me for many years. And you either go, you know, become bitter and sad and angry, or you change. Or you change and you become a better person. Like your parents taught you.

So it's like I've decided to just be as nice as I can, you know? I've never denied a photograph, have you? No. Yeah. If I'm at a restaurant. Before shows I do. But when I get to an thing before a show, because I don't want everybody taking pictures before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I do afterwards. Especially you're walking through the showroom and some guy in the back. Yeah, yeah. You have to do them afterwards. Of course. but if you're at a restaurant, right, and somebody goes, can I get a phone or a waiter? You would say yes, right?

Because there are a lot of cock suckers that won't, right? It's like, I'm, you know, if somebody wants to talk to me about something, I will talk. You know what I mean? If they ask me, hey, well, how did this, you know, I like this sketch, I'll talk to them about it, even though I don't want to, you know what I mean? But it's like, yeah, I feel like I've changed

and I'm more available, you know what I mean, for stuff like that. I think you have to be. I remember when I started in Denver, the big thing that they had was running the life. light. And I couldn't figure it out at first. I went home on that bus a couple of nights and I thought about it. And it's weird even at the store today. As soon as the light gets out and I get off. And people always say to me, you know you have a couple few minutes after that? I don't

care because I want people to understand how I am. You know what the first thing I do when I get home is from the road? When I pull up in front of my house, I go upstairs, I take my luggage, I throw the clothes in, I put my sleep at me a mask on, I go in, I take a shower, and I come. I I'm out. You know what the next thing I do is, I write a check with a commission, and I send it the next day. Because I don't want no fucking problems with my money.

Okay? When I got money, I don't want you taking fucking 30 days to mail me a fucking check. I send you your fucking money. That's a respect I give people. I tell them, when they go, wow, I got a check from you.

Two weeks in the way, I go, you know why? Because I don't want no misunderstanding with my fucking money either. So when you have your money, I don't want it in your fucking pocket to get interest for three weeks. Mail me my fucking money.

I don't want to wait for the account on Wednesday Because the first time I wait for your account on Wednesday I'm gonna make you wait for my account and he only comes once a year Okay, you don't want that do you? No, okay I don't wait for account Send me my fucking money on Thursday and I'll send you a fucking check Yeah, I don't give a fuck if you don't put the check in the bank Don't you know what I was doing the last couple years when I book a job

I'd show up there and give him the commission before the job was even shot Don't touch my money Don't touch my money I don't want the 10 days than the 10 you got But the time I get the check, it's 25 days later. Why? Because you guys want interest on what, $8,000? Just give me the fucking money. What do you do in a situation, though?

You're at a club and you know that you did better than, you know what I mean? They say you did? You know what I mean? In terms of money? Like, do you say things or do you just let it go? In the beginning, I got pissed. And then I realized why I paid my agent. And even though I go home on that flight, a little pissed like I got smacked in the face,

first thing I do when I get home is I fucking go off on my agent and go get me my friend. and go get me my fucking money right now. In fact, here's my, I email him with my bank account. Just tell them to deposit the money. I don't even fuck around. It's already, so when they call me back and they go, I assume the close. You rip me off, I assume the close.

Like, I'm about to work a club in a few weeks ago that this was the only club that came to me. Right now, in Charlotte, right now. You want to tell you what the numbers are for the week in Charlotte? I'll tell you right now for my week in Charlotte. Just so you know how I sell. You're going to die. Okay, because I got no reason to lie to anybody just so people go,

Oh, well, Joey fucking lied or whatever. This is what I have trash. Let's see, where the fuck is this? Now with my luck, it's not in this. No, it's not because I will erase another thing. I got 70 for the first show Thursday night. I got 118 or something. I got 700 tickets sold.

I think 60 for the first show on Saturday. You know what the second show is on Saturday? What? 256. Amazing. Already. Already. Just, I always sell out Saturday late show first.

That goes first. You know, this club owner came to me and said, man, your Saturday late show is looking bad. I just let him. I didn't say none to him. You know me? I let him fall into his own trap. Yeah.

I said, really? I go, what are you telling? I guess you've only got like 30 seconds sold for the last show. He goes, so I had to do a group on two for one. but don't worry it'll be packed tomorrow and I looked them straight in the face and I said I'm sure it will be and this guy thought he had me till Monday and I fucking called every I called the higher-ups I called everybody and go because I got all those emails I got those emails I sent them to the fucking office and I said listen this guy's not getting away with this and sure enough there was a mistake

because there always is. Yeah, I'm cowardly when it comes in that. No, I just don't get in people's faces. I just let the joke call. If they say, you know, hey, and I know different, I don't say nothing because I feel like if I make a stink that they'll never have me back there. Well, fuck it, but I'm getting my money.

I don't give a fuck if you. I don't want to do it. Listen, why would you want to deal with me if I'm fucking young money ever again? Give my money. I won't ever come back here again. You go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

If you're fucking me on money, we know that. We could go into a room right now, and we could tell you what's in that room and be off by 20. And we know our own trends. We're economists. We know.

Yeah. Listen, for you to have a great weekend, you have 150 people on there on Thursday night. With the pictures from Twitter and stuff, you'll pack it up. If you have 70 people on Thursday, it's going to be a rough weekend. You know what I'm saying?

But it's Monday. I'm not worried about your radio, blah, blah, blah, blah. But don't come to me and tell me that. I didn't have on the second. It's on Saturday. You made a big mistake. And I got every dime. I got every dime.

I'm a fucking Cuban Jew. I get every dime white torment you. In fact, they even sent the guy a shirt. The agent sent the guy a shirt that said, what would Joey Diaz do? Really? Yeah, we know. I'm not in business to get robbed.

I don't want to rob you. And I don't want you robbing me. All right. There's 20 chairs you don't call. But even that, that's fucking $200. It's $400. If you get a good deal, yeah. 20 chairs at $20, $20, $20 times $20, it's $400.

I think I got buzzed from the thing. That's okay. Just drink some water. But it's Tony better. I think I got buzzed a little bit from the thing. Nah, you're fine. Are you sure? Yeah, because I'm sweating and stuff.

Oh, it's hot in here. I'm sweating like fucking Lee the other day when I showed him to hit the acid. What's Tony Bennett all about? It's just a nice little sweet song that calms things down. We're almost in the home stretch. You can't? Look at you in H-Town on Valentine's Day and shit. Fucking it up.

I can't know that? Because I know everything. Hey, can I plug a couple of things, man? You can plug whatever you up, but wait till the end of the show. You don't need to plug it now. I'm going to plug it for you. You're a fucking star, brother. What's going on?

Just sitting here relax. I'm going to smoke some more pot here. Let me open up the door. Get some air in here. There's no noise up here. So how you doing, Bobby? Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. As soon as we open the door, police sirens shows up, you know what I'm saying? This is a nice place, man. Very nice. I got this on the way back. I was walking with the baby, and the guy came out. He goes, hey, you came in here for an office about a year ago.

You're still interested? We got an office opened up. So we were going to do it. I called Kevin, and I said, can you just come in and give us some advice on the office? this motherfucker came in here and took over. He started building shit. All I did was... So this brick right here, they did that?

Kevin did that. He hung the TV. We had the TV, obviously. He painted everything. Kevin helped my man here, Lee, hang the cameras. It's something that you go home and you're like, why is somebody being so nice?

And after being around him, I get it. I get it. You know, there's some people were just genuinely nice in this town. And we don't expect it. Right. Because we know it always comes with something. You know what I'm saying?

My guard's always up or something. Yeah, it comes with a by the way. Hey, man, we want you to do this gig or something. Whatever. He's just been really cool. I'm trying to find the way to pay him back, but I know he's one of those guys that he puts it in the karma box. Yeah. You know, some people fill up the karma box.

Do you believe in karma? Yes, I do. I've lived it. I'm living proof of karma. Yeah, but can I ask you something then? Go ahead. So how come, like, guys like George W. Bush, nothing bad happens to him? Something bad happens to him. We just don't know it. No, he's playing golf and stuff.

Something bad happens to him every day when he has to face. himself at the end of the night. That's when karma shows up. Yeah, but he like started a bunch of illegal wars and a lot of people died and stuff. Trust me. He'll pay for it. He deserves AIDS and stuff. At some point, it's so, like, I remember when I robbed this guy,

and I, you're never getting back into Texas now. And I robbed 18. Five. Like, what I made from the scam was 185. You know what? I ended up paying the attorney, 18,000. I never forget that, looking at the bills and going. Well, you got caught. I made 500 bucks. Like, this is God.

sending me a bill. Like I made five, like God making me realize, and I made $500 for two years of my life. Because I know you've beaten a man with a pipe before. No, no, no, no. You've never beaten anybody with a pipe before? No, no, no. Yeah, I think you have. No, no, no, no, no, you've been a man with a pipe. You know, no, no, no, you've been a man with a pipe. I must have smacked them with a two-by-four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never, like, beaten a guy to almost death with a pipe before? No. Yes, you have. No, I haven't. No, I haven't. You got the wrong guy? Yeah, yeah. You're the wrong guy? Yeah, yeah. You've never violently attacked anybody before.

Not with a pipe. No, with what? I got into fight. Some guy jumped me and he had a two-by-four, and I took it from him, hit him with him one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hit a guy with a Heineken bottle. When I was 18, he was a man, though. Yeah.

He was a fucking man, you know? He was a real fucking man. He had another friend who was a man, and we were scared. But you've never taken a pipe out of your car and beating a man with it. I remember down in La Jolla when those guys are looking for me, and I threw the fucking cube ball at the car. Oh, yeah. Do you remember?

Like, I know how to do you remember? Like, I know how to get you rattled. Nobody could rattle you like me. I'll rattle you. Were you there that night where Joe Rogan, we went to the strip club? No. Oh, because Joe Rogan didn't talk to me for years after that. Because he was headlighting, and then we went to a strip club.

I thought you were there, and then there was these gang members with tattoos on their faces. I didn't know any, but I was young. And Joe goes, let's get out of here. And we're with other comics. I thought you were there. And I go, no, don't be a pussy. Right? Because they were, like, eyeing us and stuff.

and then years later I had I apologized to Joe I go I know we almost died I'm sorry I feel funny I gotta get out of here Why with I feel dizzy or something man No no you're not dizzy I'm fine yeah have some water might I drank it nothing happened Have some red bull

Nothing happened after the day Have some red bull and some water how's that What I earlier I said that I sucked a guy's dick Did I say that? Yes you did okay that's okay nothing wrong with that I feel like it's been weirder since then No Which was worse

The dick or asshole? What asshole? When you're just licking a girl's asshole. The dick for sure. I'm not gay, dude. Yeah, but I was thinking about it the other day. Have you ever sucked the dick? No.

You've never. Nope. Not even once. No. You ever think about it? But I was thinking about it a couple, like last week. For girls, it's just must be like hard skin. Like, that's all, like, it doesn't.

What? Like, it doesn't taste like anything. Like, if you take it. Exactly. That's why you should try it. You just said it was worse than eating ass. I'm not going to do it if it's worse than eating ass. Yeah, because there's like social implications and it's like, I don't want to be doing this, you know? You're drunk with your friend.

Listen to me, man. When I was a kid, I was small. I was this Asian kid, but I had a sexual drive. But I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood. In my high school was 99.9% white. And none of those girls wanted anything to do with me. You know, I always been always a dirty Korean. You know what I mean?

My father is from, my father was a street guy. My father, during the Korean War, used to hustle. He never went to school. He was in gangs and stuff. And then he joined the Korean military. But my dad was a hoodlum. So I'm from, you know, I mean, Korean trash almost. You know what I mean?

Like, you know, so it's like, and then my dad works hard and we live in the suburbs. But I'm around all these, you know, white girls and stuff. They don't want nothing to do with me. So it's like, you know, you get drunk. You're 15, 16, and your friend pulls out his penis. You know, I did it. I made a mistake. No, you're very sexual.

I'm highly sexual. And I used to go to those, like, F Street. In San Diego, we had those F Street bookstores. And they used to have those masturbation booths. You remember those? You sneak in, you go in the back, and the floor's sticky. It makes the sound. Are they people having live sex or?

No, you would close the door. You close the door and then you put, you know what I mean, dollar bills or quarters in, right? Or F Street had these tokens. You had to go to the front. Right. You know, give them 40 bucks and then they give you tokens. And you put the tokens. And then there's a button.

There's two buttons like, you know what I mean, changing channels. And they were always like a puddle of comma, you know. Do you have to stick your fingers in a puddle of comments? Was this before the internet or why would you go there? Yeah. This is in late 80s, right? Jesus. So people, was that?

No, they had VCRs by that. right? Yeah but I went to the one. I was a kid. He was a kid. I was 19. I'm not going to go home to my parents' house. What I had when I was a kid was you go in and there was a bed in the middle. Where? That was his number. Yeah. There was a bed in the middle and there was a guy fucking like this fat chick. Live? Then there'd be windows all around on 42nd Street. Same thing you walked in, you locked the door. You put token in the window would slide up. Yeah. And then there was to live. The ones that had the plexiglass that you just watched,

and people would fucking, you could look around and see the guy's jerking off, like heads banging. It's fucking creepy, man. What, did you ever jerk off in those? Oh, fuck, yeah. When I was 15, you have to. You have to, yeah. You don't know.

You don't know. That's the first time you see, like, somebody actually fucking in front. And you could smell a pussy. Yeah, I could say, let you in at 15? They didn't give a fuck. They weren't proof. That's probably in the 70s, right? That's the 70s, man.

They didn't proof you. Jesus Christ. And you'd walk in, and there'd be a, there'd be a fucking. janitor and he'd go into every room when the door would open and somebody would walk out before he'd go in there he'd go in and drop them up and fucking mop and put it back in with all sperm and shit and then you go in there put and you had to be careful what you touched and they'd have sex and funny i think i did it twice guys you know just being young and stupid but then there was times i was in the city and i'd just go in there just to see it was going on just to see the desperation like i would walk by there at nine the morning and see 20 people like his Jewish walking out and going, why are you fucking you know, they walk out real fast Hussis and, you know, these are

people that, it's weird when people let their religious beliefs suppress their sexual. That's why all these fucking politicians when somebody tells me they're a Christian all of a sudden I see them in the bedroom fucking their wife in the ass and smacking them because they're really horny

fucking devils. It's really weird. Like I was really horny when I was a kid. And then once I realized I couldn't get pussy like the rest of my friends I let that emotion going away And I got lucky for time to time That's exactly what I went through

And I would say you know what Instead of going after women I'll just masturbate I'll just go home and masturbate That'll be the easy thing I don't have to talk to them or nothing But then like in 87 The cocaine turned me

Like once Right before I got locked up Cocaine flipped on me And I got really sexual with the Coke Like I could go all night and put coke in their feet. But you got girls then then? Yeah, yeah.

We started getting girls. I would always have a girl with coke and you eat their pussy with coke. Would it bum you out that it was only when you had coke? Because I went through a thing where I only hooked up with girls when we were drinking and I used to bum me out. I'm like, fuck. They have to be drunk. In those days, I didn't care.

I didn't care how I got pussy because I had been suppressed for so long. Yeah. I wasn't like the rest of my friends. My friends would come to me and say, I got pussy last week down the shore. For me, I'd get a victim once a month growing up or once a day. every six months, but I really never had a girlfriend. And I didn't have the sexual escapades. My friends were having at 21 and 22.

I never heard of stuff like that until I left New Jersey. I had my first threesome at 35, 36, and it was one of the worst things of my life. Yeah. Well, two girls and one guy? Two girls. You've never done a three-sum with two guys, one girl? No, no. I couldn't imagine.

Looking at another guy, naked. What is that like? I did it with Mike Burton. You know who Mike Burton is? No. Mike Burton's a stand-up. Yeah, yeah. He's still around in Chicago?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike Burton and a feature, the girl. I can't say her name because she's still around. And we did the threesome. And he was so selfish because, you know what I mean? He would pull her to his side of the bed and I didn't want to touch him. So you know what I ended up doing? Going to the side of bed and just masturbating watching them.

And we also, can I just say something? We all laughed so much. It was like the funest sex I've ever really ever had, you know? And I did it with Aaron Cater and Brian Etheridge once in Vegas, too. That was a five-sum. I was going to say, where's the group? That was a five-sum.

Yeah, yeah, it was two girls. Where did you meet the two girls at? Dude, this is so gross. So, you know Steve Shrippa? Yeah. So Shrippa, Riviera. Yeah. So he calls me and goes,

you know, because Dice used to call me Ching, right? So Steve Shrippa used to call me Ching, right? As is Chiching. That's what they used to say, not racial. But I know it was racial. So you go, hey, Ching. I go, hey, we're doing this midnight, dirty show. I want you to headline.

I'd never headline before. So Brian Etheridge and Aaron Cater were open micrists at the time. They go, we'll drive you? We'd love to see that. Right? So they drove me out there. So we're on Las Vegas Boulevard. These two sisters drive by, right?

And Brian Etheridge is driving. And the two sisters rolled down the window and they go, you're cute. Not to Brian, because he's the ugliest white dude I've ever seen. Or me. they were saying to Cater, Cater's a fucking cute boy. Yeah, good looking kid, right? Cater runs out of the car, jumps into this fucking truck. They drive out into the sunset, right?

And me and Brian are fucking mad, right? So then we get to the Riviera. I go, Brian, you go do your own thing. I have to concentrate right out on my set list or whatever. So then midnight, I'm literally on stage, and I see Brian and Aaron bring in these two sisters. What was like a 300-pound white-lit girl, and the other one was 80 pounds, but they were sisters.

And they have missing teeth. But, you know, at the time, you know, I need, you know. So anyway, after the show, Aaron goes, hey, don't do us. So let's go to the room. So we're in the room. And so, you know, no condom either. You know what I mean? I know.

So we were doing it, you know, doing it and doing it. And then all of a sudden, like three hours later, I'm with the fat one. And Aaron's with the skinny one. I don't know what Brian is. I don't know where Brian is. So I look around the room. I don't know what Brian is. Maybe he's in the bathroom.

No, he's not in the bathroom. So I keep doing, I'm doing doggy style with this fat one, and I feel something tickling my butthole. It was like a feather. You know what I mean? I turn around, no one's there.

So it was like paranormal. You know what I mean? I thought it was like a paranormal experience. There's a ghost tickling your butt hole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I keep going, and then I definitely feel something. You know, like something.

You know what I mean? And I looked down, Brian had crawled underneath my body and he was eating her pussy while I'm having sex with her. Now let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. You have to imagine what is on his face now at this point. You know, my little

gook juice. He's got gook juice, fat juice, you know what I mean? Mixed together. You know what I mean? Who knows what kind of, you know? Why not just go for the blowjo? What is he? I don't know, but he goes, she likes it. She likes it. I don't like it. His chin is rubbing against

my taint. I don't like it. It's weird, right? I can't get hard. It's disgusting. It gets worse. So I decide the power fogger. Right? So I go,

you know how you doing? Paro? Am I getting in trouble for the same time? I'll fuck nobody in 10 years. All right. So I go, like that, you know what I mean?

And, you know, I slipped out, right? So I tried to stick it back in, but Brian had moved up, right? And it rubbed against his eye. Right? So then we all disband, you know what I mean? Because, like, he screamed.

You know what I mean? and I go, why? We got to fight. I go, why are you down there? You know what I mean? He's like, you purposely. I didn't purposely, you know? So then afterwards we go to breakfast.

So I'm taking these two girls out for breakfast. Aaron's there. And we're talking, laughing. I just can't wait to go to sleep. And I look at Brian from across the table. His left eye completely closed with a yellow film. A yellow film had closed it shut, like an adhesive. Right?

I go, dude, we got to go to the fucking hospital. He goes, no, I'm good. I go, no, you're not good. You can't fucking see out of the eye. It's, like, infected. It's red. It's, like, pulsing, you know what I? Which is his fucking fault, right?

So then we go to the fucking hospital. Right? Now we're no sleep. You know what I mean? It's a disaster, right? And I'm in there with them. You know what I mean? With them, we're like, what are we going to say?

Right. He goes, I'll just make something up. So the doctor goes, what happened? and he goes, he skull-fucked me. He points at me, he says, I skull-fucked him. You kind of did. Yeah, but that, you know. Did you have them check your dick?

Because, like, what was on your dick that made his eye close up? Dude, it was not just my dick that you all kinds of stuff, man. You don't fucking listen, dude. I can't believe my brother. I went to the doctor two weeks ago, and I got all tested. My shit's clean, dog. All right? Nothing.

I have no diseases. You know what I mean? No diabetes, nothing. You're pretty serious with this girl, that? You like this girl. I could tell that you. Okay, so check it out. How long have you been with her?

Three years. Oh, two and a half years now. Yeah, yeah. I'm in love with my girlfriend. She, we live together. We have three cats. We have a podcast together called Tiger Belly. Okay.

And it's doing well. And I just couldn't imagine a better life right now, man. When did you meet her? Tinder, dude. Dude, I couldn't even believe she swam. Three years ago. Like two and a half years ago. She swiped right.

We matched. Well, first of all, I had two nightmare Tinder before that. You know? One of the girls, all her photos, was just off her face. And she looked like Natalie Portman. But then when I picked her up, she had Michael Chickless's body. Like, worse than yours.

Like, it was just a complete circle. But her face was really cute. Really good face. And the other one was a comedian. I want to get into that. Are you on Tinder? Were you on Tinder as Bobby Lee? Yeah, that's the best way.

You know, Stone Street from Modern Family? I got him on it, too. Eric Stone's not fat. He's just chubby, dude. The Stone Street, I went to his house. I got him on Tinder. I created a profile together, right? It's the best if you're a celebrity, right? It is because imagine, here's the thing with Tinder, all right? When you and I, we live our lives, we wake up, we have our routines, we go to our coffee shop, right?

We have, you know, our errands, then we do our show at the club. but you have to imagine people, even in L.A. or in Long Beach or whatever, passing it, they have their own lives. They can't make it to the comedy club, right? So it's like, you're never going to run into them, right? But the Tinder, it just, you know, you just have more branches out there. And Kalila was always a fan of mine, right? But we just, she never just came to my shows. And so I met her for coffee.

And as soon as I sat down and we had coffee together, I just, I remember going, fuck in my head because I knew I'm in a relationship the first time I met her I already knew that this was going to be an thing you know you know you can tell when you meet somebody you just look in their eye go yeah this is going to be a fucking thing you just there's a connection and uh yeah we're you know yeah we're together and we have a really good um connection and you know we've had we've We've had our problems. Everybody does. Yeah.

It's hard relationships. What does she do for a living? Oh, she's a comedian. Okay, yes. Well, no, she stopped doing that, but she, I don't want to get into it, but she has a heart situation. Okay. She has a physical situation and she can't work right now.

So instead of doing, you know what I mean, we decided to do a podcast together so that we can create maybe a business together, you know, and it's going really well. So, you look good, you look healthy. Thank you. I mean, 14, fucking years. sobriety. Yeah. It seemed like,

how many doors open for you after you got sober? It took me years, doing. But how different is your life? If you look at it compared to that.

Oh my, it's not even, it's not even, I've been sober from the drug that killed me for eight years. I still smoke pot. Yeah, that's fine. I don't take pills.

I still smoke my pot. My friend gave me anxiety pills. If I can't sleep after a plane, I'll take one to help me go to bed. I never really drink. I was never really a big drinker. I smoked my pot and that's it. But the drug,

killed me eight years. I can't tell you how many doors have opened for me. Yeah, but you know why it helped for me is because of the fact that when I got sober, what helped was show business didn't become my life, right? For many years, show business was number one, right? And my mood and my livelihood and how I felt about myself was directly related to how I was doing my career. Okay. And as soon as I got sober, that no longer was the case.

You know, I want to live a life, you know. And so, you know, when my friend's book shit, you know, I don't go, fuck him. I go, congratulations. Yeah. When you see guys succeed, it doesn't really affect me. They're like Ken Jung. You know what I mean? He was my doctor when I got sober.

You know what I mean? He helped me get through my detox, you know? And he is a bigger start. than me and I'm fine with it. You know? And a lot of people come up to me and they go, they go, oh, you don't mean, you're jealous of Ken's success?

No. Why would you be? Why would I be? He's a talented guy and I'm fine with it. It's those people that hate and you know the people that naturally hate. You could see it.

When you first got mad TV and you walked into the comedy, there were some people who gave you a big hug and there were some people who gave you a fucking Michael Corleone, Frato hug. And you felt it. You were like, Jesus Christ, why are you like this? And that's going back to what that jerk off said about you that night, that you're just an actor guy.

That's even that day on the tweet with me, he was saying, he said that I was on his job when he got his deal. I wasn't even at the store when he got his deal. You know, I remember he got beat up in San Diego when he went to, he got some Uber and he got beat up in San Diego or something. I remember all that shit. And I always felt kind of bad for him. So when he got that attitude towards me, I was like, I just left it alone. It's like when comics fucking say, I got a deal, who gives a fuck everyone eventually gets one? You know what I mean?

It's like people take these things and they think it makes them who they are. And so what did you have to do to stop making that the most important thing in your life? Well, when you, when I was, because out drugs was killing me and I realized that my life was more important. and my family was more important, it shifts your perspective, right? So you were talking at the start of the podcast about you won't do certain rooms. Back then, would you have said that to those people?

What do you mean? Would you have told the manager, the Kansas City, no, I don't want to do your room anymore? I wasn't even doing, I was so drugged out, I wasn't even headlining then. I only headlined, because I was still on Matt TV, I only headlined after Matt TV was canceled. And a year in, I realized that, you know,

I wasn't going to be the TV. star that I thought was going to be and that's when I start doing the road and it saved my life. I got to tell you the truth. For me to get sober, I had to do something. I had to do something that I had forgotten about. I had to put myself, I thought that those 10 years I had been in Hollywood that I was very passive with people and I wasn't a man. Like I didn't remember what it was like to be a man. And I remember like three months before getting sober, I'm like, I want to just be a man again, Bobby Lee. I have to get the respect of being a man again. I'm a man. Why is this happening to me? If you're a man, you shouldn't be caught up for these type of predictions and this

type of bullshit. So I went back to get my character, like who I was when I was 13 when people go, hey, you want to get high and I go, go fuck your mother. I'm not getting high. Like, I went back to look for that. Like, something interesting happened to me. I did kill Tony last Monday night. And I was telling Lee, I watched the comedians go on stage, those young comics to do a minute. You know, have you done the show? A couple times, yeah. And you see when people kill and you applaud for them. And I saw what my face used to look like when I was doing comedy five years.

That look of that eye of the tiger. I remember when you killed for the first time. Yeah, and you killed for the first time. Oh, I'm missing. You can't go home. You can't sleep, leave. Nothing, nothing. For fucking a week.

You can eat heroin by the ton and you will not fall asleep. So why isn't as exciting anymore? Check it. Check it out. Check it out. I didn't get any pussy ever, right, until I was 23 years old. Okay. I used to go get, you know what I mean?

I had to go to a brothel in Tijuana. Okay. When I was 23 years old, I was a dormant at the comedy store. Okay. This is in 1995. five. And one Saturday night, the manager let me host in front of a packed room. So I went up and I fucking killed for the first time.

You know what happened? Not only did that happen, but that night, a girl called the fucking club and says, hi, my name is Jennifer. Is Bobby Lee, the comedian that was a dormant? Everybody went up. Is he there? Fred Burns gave me the fucking phone. And she goes, I just think you're really cute. Are you single, this and that? No way. So I sort of got three days later, I'm in her house in Oceanside California, and I'm eating her pussy. And I'm going, not only did I kill for the first time, but now I'm getting chicks. It literally was the birth of me.

Someone called a, I thought it was going to be like an agent to book you for something. They called because they thought you were hot. Yeah, and her name was Jennifer Field. That was her name. She was this cute, blonde white chick from Ocean Viewside, California. I won't say Ocean View because I was my first rehab when I was 16, but that was also in Oceanside. But, yeah, and I went to her house, and I remember it just being a spiritual experience for me. So, I mean, you must have gotten laid other times from comedy.

Since then, yeah, I've been killing it. But my point, though, is that, you know, it was the first time, yeah, and the first time killing, you know what I mean? And it's like, you know, yeah, I can, I kill, I guess, now when I'm on the road. It's my audience. And I do well on stage. But you cannot capture that feeling for the first time. You chase that. It's like addiction.

Yeah, you chase that feeling. The reason why we're still here 20 years later is we're chasing that fucking first laugh. It's a fucking tremendous. The first kill and the first time you get on stage, you cannot describe it. You cannot describe it to anybody. You cannot describe it. It's just a beautiful fucking thing. The adrenaline.

Oh, my God. You know, I was telling them, when you headline four shows on Sunday morning, you're sore. You're fucking sore. When you get on the plane, you're like, why am I sore? Yeah.

Because I've been fucking working. Yeah. I'm working. I'm moving. I'm changing positions. Your feet are sinking. Not only fucking that, but fucking Friday morning,

you got to wake up at 5 in the fucking morning to do a press tour. You know what I mean? And then, like, you don't, then you can't get any sleep. Your diet's fucked up. You don't know what to eat? You don't know what I mean? So you eat a hamburger at McDonald's on the way to the show.

I mean, it's like, it's not easy. Why you look at, can I have a drag of a cigarette at least? You can do whatever you want. Are you sure? Yeah. You can do whatever. Because it's like, you know what I mean? You know, I think I'm getting buzz from your thing.

So maybe I'll smoke a cigarette. Help me. I smoke a little cigarette there. I'll kill nobody. But, yeah, I mean. It's tough, but you know what, guys, can I say this? Anyone listening right now? I think the moral of the story is this, is that Joey and I, a lot of people don't like me.

You know what I have my haters, you know what I have? But I have a lot of fans also. And the reason why I have my girlfriend's beautiful. And the reason why I have all these things is not because I'm unique or special. It's because of the fact that a long time ago, I did a scary thing, which is choose to stand up, all right? the first time you go up, it's very scary. Like your heart's, you know what I mean, beating, you're shaking. You know what I mean?

You convince yourself, don't do it, you know? I had a friend of Randy who made me do it in the first night. You have to do it. I'll never talk to you again. I went up there and it's like literally jumping out of a plane, you know, like your adrenaline. You know what I mean? And I just remember making funny noises on stage because I didn't really have any jokes. So I went up and I went

I went, ayah, bang it, and I did that for three minutes because I knew that I'd make Randy laugh, right? And then afterwards,

people were like, that was fucking weird, right? And then like, a month later, I did open mics at the comedy store, right?

And Pauly saw me go up and I did the same thing, the noising noises, right? And then I was just, you know, no joke, but just acting really weird

on stage. And Polly goes, dude, you're fucking weird. brah I go oh thanks he goes I want you to

open for me in Vegas and then dude I'm not kidding you two months after that this is like three or four months

into comedy I open for him in front of 5,000 people at the top of the rib you know what I mean but my point

is this is that I fucking did it I walked through that fear you know what I mean and I religiously made myself

do something that was that scary and I just really believe that if you want to have a big life, you have to take big risks. You have to say, fuck it and just go for it. You know what I mean? And I know you and I don't appreciate, you know what I mean, that part of ourselves

because it's just innate in us and we already did it. You know what I mean? But it is a fucking crazy thing that we chose to even do this in the fucking first place. And look at what it's got us. I mean, you talk about, you know what I mean, you being on set with Tracy Morgan and Adam Sandler for that movie, you know what I mean? You know, a couple years ago, I was on The Dictator. I did scenes with Sir Ben Kingsley and Ed Norton, you know what I mean?

And I'm like sitting on a couch talking. You can't believe it. Well, it's happening. You're like, I'm an open, I was an open micer. Open micer. Why is these guys talking about? Yeah, this is great. Like, Ben Kingsley's like, hey, so when you tell me that line, you know, just slow it down a bit so

you know what I can't really connect. And in my head, I'm like, I can't fucking believe. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here. Like, what the fuck am I doing here? I never take a class. I don't know nothing. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy.

And yet, you know, you're in these situations because, not because I'm talented or. But you are talented. I'm not. Don't you have? No, no, no, it's not talent. That's what, listen. It's the best thing Conno McGregor has ever said in his life. This is not talent.

This is an obsession. That's what it is. This is an obsession. But don't you think that your obsession creates talent? No. Stand up, dude. I've never thought. head down. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about. It's what it is is this it's repetition.

All right. When you do something enough eventually what happens is the fear and the and the fear of failing goes away because you've failed so many times that you inevitably grow a thick skin. You do. So then eventually bombing doesn't destroy you as much. And then eventually you're kind of immune to it. I mean, it hurts a little bit. You hate it. But it doesn't, like, when you go home, you're watching CNN and you forget about it, right? But it's like you eventually, it's just repetition and walking through fear. And if you fail enough, you become immune to it. And then when you become immune to it, you are yourself. Yeah, but there's a lot of people who have been doing open mics for 10, 20 years, whatever. I'm not going to say that you're like the Mount Rushmore of comedy, but there has to be some talent involved in it.

here's the thing is that I will agree this. I will agree with this. I can, I know, I know how comedy is supposed to work. Like when you, when I was a kid, I used to watch George Carlin, you would watch him and go, okay, I see, you know what I mean? You laugh and then you kind of think, why did I laugh at that? Because, you know, you thought he was saying this and then he said that, you know, so it was a switch or whatever. So you learn, you know, as a kid, you analyze, like, why a joke works. But it's like, I'm fucking, you know, I'm not talented.

I really think, and I've thought this for a while, that, and actually, Denzel had a line about this in Gangs of New York, whatever it was, where he said, like, the loudest person in the room is the weakest one in the room. I think that if you think you're good at something, you're probably not great at it. And if you think you're terrible, like, what you think you're terrible at, it's because you have, so much pride or so much so much love for it that it's never going to be good enough even when it is i laugh well every movie when i get on every movie and i do a take i giggle inside yeah like they're like all right you're ready for your scene and i walk out on set and people come up to me like mr dyes are you okay i'm like this poor bastard you know like these people i don't even know

how i got here how do i like how did i get hired for this shit if these people know knew that 20 years I was crawling through a fucking window to steal somebody's blow they only fucking knew like I can't believe I'm on this fucking set with these nice white people and people with a limp brush

taking lint off my shirt and trying to make me look nice and you're like why? Yeah, when I was on animal practice right? I would show up an hour early like how come you're here earlier because I can't fucking believe you even want me in this. Yeah, I can't believe you why I don't want to get fired

You can't believe it. I can't believe it. I'm doing scenes with a monkey. It was like a monkey one time. I had to do a dialogue scene with a monkey. And the camera's on me, but it has the back of the monkey's head. And I'm killing it. And then they're like, we have to do it again because the monkey's head moved.

And I'm like, and they're like, we're so sorry. I go, fuck it. You know what I'm doing a scene with a monkey. Like, this is not supposed to ever happen. They have no idea. I'm supposed to be dead. I don't like when I see people who take shit. shit seriously in this business.

Yeah. It drives me crazy. What do you mean by taking seriously? When I go on a set and like, like I was on a set with this really so-called famous director on a TV show, TV show sucked. And the director was old and he was out of fucking touch, but still in Hollywood, he counted for something. And I get

that he was blasting music. Like, it was the loudest music I ever heard on set. In my world, a star does that. You know what I'm saying? Like Brad Pitt could do Like, you know, the director, I go, what's going on? They're like, well, director is good friends with Bruce Springsteen. So he likes to listen to him loud.

Fuck that punk-ass bitch. Yeah. Like, that set was misery for me because there was ego, so much ego all the way on the way up. You know what I'm saying? There was so much ego that I did a commercial once with it. You know, you could always, if I could tell who the director is by his outfit. Yeah. So you did a commercial.

Who was the director? I don't know what his name was. But it was uncomfortable? Very uncomfortable. I got into an argument with him, and he never messed with me again throughout the whole production. It wasn't Joe Pitca, was it? No, that's my boy. You love Joe Pitca?

He's the guy that books a lot of commercials or something? No, he's a director. He's like, he did, like, the bow-nose campaign. He did. He's supposed to be, like, the Spielberg of... Joe Pickett directed me in the Taco Bell commercial I did with the dog. Oh, you did? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He had a company. He put me in three commercials that dude. Yeah, you made a lot of money, right? Yeah. Yeah, I did 20 commercials. You know what he used to say to me? He used to call me Panface Gook.

Joe Pick. I forgot that fucking name. He fucking told a fucking girl that was, he had hired, you have whore hair. You look like a whore. He was crazy. He was fucking crazy. And he was the only man that I ever worked for were literally I was scared shitless 24-7. Like, I remember, like, I did a commercial for him.

and I go, I'll never work for him again. And then, like, eight years later, I get a call. Joe wants, because it was when I was on Mad TV, he goes, he wants to do another IBM commercial. I go, you know what, I can handle it. Because, you know what I mean? I could get, as soon as I said, I'm honest, I literally pee was coming out of my penis. Big guy, right? Yeah, he's tall.

He has white hair. Yeah, big guy. He retired. He was a legend. Like, he was the best commercial director of all time. Right. Let me tell you, his solid with your uncle Joey. Yeah.

He hired me for the first Taco Bell commercial with the dog. Yeah. It was a Miami commercial. I got the call back. It was shooting on the 3rd of July, 4th of July, 5th of July. I get down the 3rd of July and they go, amen. They cut the commercial. But Joe wants you to hang out here for the three days and they're still going to pay you.

Oh, my God. I said, okay. Well, day one, I eat. I don't say nothing. I'm very happy just to be on the set. stay too during lunch you know we're doing our thing yeah doing joey you know some guys are fucking with me i'm fucking with them he heard my voice and he came over to me after lunch and he goes stick around today i'm not put you in this fucking commercial because they were like if you want to

leave it five that's your eight hours but if you want to stay till midnight you can stay till midnight you can stay till midnight we'll pay you the overtime just don't stay out of our way that's what this is 97 when commercials were still commercials where you could get rich off a fucking commercial and the next day he came up to me he goes i'm going to put you in the scene i don't give a fuck and he put me on the scene i did it and six weeks later i got a call from the actor there was three stand-ups on that set i was a principal the other guy was a principal and the other guy was an extra the guy that was the top principal called me and he goes did you get your letter from taco bell and i go no and he goes yeah i got my letter they didn't pick me up they're probably

They're not going to pick you up either. He picked you up. They picked me up. And the extra got picked up because the extra had contact with me. So when an extra has contract with a principal, he automatically becomes a principal. So every time I saw that comic, he did everything but suck my dick. Because I told him, just stick next to me. We're going to get this commercial together.

So he jumped, I go get the thing and shine my shoes. Yeah. And he was shining my shoes during the commercial. So he became a principal. So every time I see that. guy till today he stops what he's doing and he comes over and gives me a big hug and that was joe picker he put me in i want to say something that i want to apologize for what i said earlier about joe pitt no seriously he did call me those things right but i wanted to say this i he gave me a commercial

once where i made 350 000 no you did i swear i got i did no you did yeah it was a campaign for ibm and i um i want to apologize to joe thank you so much for that You know what I mean? I was uncomfortable during your sets because, I mean, on your set because I felt intimidated. But I just want to thank you for putting me in your commercials. And I really apologize. He put me in three fucking commercials. Yeah, I would I apologize.

You're the best. And that's it. You know what? Your fucking marijuana smoke got into my mind. Let me call to do these things. Okay. Let me get some shout out to Brian Nelson, Paranormal, Diane Mateo, Julio Villalobos, Villalobos, Chris McDougan, Andrew Nelson, LeVar Michaels, and Joey Zaza tweets.

Look at you, sexy motherfucker. Bobby Lee's going to be at the improv in Houston, Texas, February 12th to the 14th. That's Valentine's Day, bitches. I'm going to be at the Charlotte Comedy Zone this weekend, and next week I'm at St. Louis Helium. I'm sorry if I got your eye, I didn't mean to that. No, that's fine. You got secondary smoke. I'm totally fine.

What's up with you, Lisa? I'm happy for the new office? Yeah, I'm doing great. I have tomorrow a new episode of Life in Neutral at Johnny Rock. Oh, right? And, yeah, I'm just doing great. I'm really happy about this. It's, uh, it's, like when people,

hearing you talk about all the nice thing that people did for you, this is the, this is the nicest thing that anyone's done for me. This is the, oh, man. What? No, I mean, I mean, no, but it's, this is, and the way you guys, I mean, it's, it's, it's a, different thing, but for me...

You're going to cry right now? No, well, who knows? But, like, coming out and doing this podcasting, in November, it was two years that I've only done podcasting. And it's, I'm now where, like,

where you guys were, I don't know how many years in, but it's, it's nice to see those nice things. And Joe, when Joey takes me out to dinner, it's, it's, we went to Jerry's deli a few weeks ago, a week ago. And I had a roast beef sandwich,

and it was just, it's, it's nice, and it's nice to see that you guys remember it these many years later. Like, when you, when you guys see Dorman,

when you were a Dorman, like, do you go over and give them a hug? Hugs. Yeah, I don't know, hug them, but I talk to them. I talked to them, you know? I talk to the young guys there. I do their shows.

I try to get involved. Listen, man, I can't tell you how good Andrew Dice Clay was to me and to Bobby Lee. I can't tell you how nice Paul Mooney Mooney was to me. You know how many, You know how many steaks Joe Rogan has bought me?

You have any idea how many $50 steaks that kid has bought me? More than my mother. I've been friends with Joe for 20 years. My mother was only around for 16. And my mother ate a lot of steaks. Do you understand me? Yeah. So how can I not buy everybody else's steak?

You know how many fucking lobster tail? You know how many times I went to eat with Joe? And I had no money in my pocket and he'd say, hey, man, we're going to get the seafood tower. And I'd sit there and go, seafood tower. I'll eat the ice. You know how it is. You know how it is. You'll just take you out.

You have to do that. You have to do that. I have to show the young guys. And I've said this on this show a thousand times. The better I treat the young guys, the better my career and the better comedian I will become. That's the fucking thing right there, dude. You know, there's a book called The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.

It's by Deepak Chopra. one of the laws of success is you have to go out of your way and help other people achieve success. That's one of the laws. Why does he say that works? Well, there's a bunch of stuff that's in there. You have to meditate and all that stuff. But it's just, it's a karma, I believe. It's, you know, if you help people achieve success, it's selfless, right?

It's not about you. And I think just energy-wise, it just comes back at you, dude. You know? You generate your own energy. When you go to yoga, you open your chakras, and you generate your own energies. You have kinetic energy, and it becomes potential energy, not by you sit in there like a putt's, but by doing. You know, this podcast is about, I bring a thousand people on this podcast that we've all had the same struggle. We've all started at a place when we sucked.

Nobody liked this, and then we saw the evolution of men. We saw how there were people who didn't like you 10 years ago. They'll suck your dick now. You follow me, especially when you on Mad TV, right or wrong. There's people that stop talking to you after Mad TV. You learn about human, but all you could do is never get bitter and keep looking at those younger guys, give them hugs, tell them they did great because this is what happens. When I see you and I go, you're hungry, whatever, steak, whatever the fuck you want, it just makes me a better comic and a better. man and at the end of the week every day you want to be a better fucking man i struggled in a drug

addiction for years where at the end of the night i would cry myself to sleep because this isn't the life i chose it was a life i had been caught up in but every day you struggle and when you see somebody and you help somebody out and it doesn't have to be financially bobby lee it could just be going up to somebody and going bro that was a great set yeah that was a great show Yep, yep, yep, yep. Not me sitting in the back and going, ha! When Bobby Lee does a funny joke,

I don't do nothing for nobody. I just makes you a fucking jack-off like everybody else. It's when I come up to you after a show. I don't know what's going on in your mind. You know what? You might have just killed, but your mother's in the hospital. And me coming up to you,

going, dog, that's a good fucking joke. When you get in your car, that might just bring a tear to you on. That just might, that's the shit that makes comics. That's the way I was taught to be a comedian. But it wasn't the way. I was taught to be a comedian as how you're taught to be a fucking man. Becky, how hot is Becky?

How hot is Becky? She's beautiful, yeah. She's fucking beautiful. Everybody in this room wants to, did you see her father? Good. She looked in those pants. What am I going to do by hitting on Becky? You can't hit on everybody.

No. You can't. These little things you have to do as a man. And that's it. You can't, I'd love to fucking eat Becky's asshole and sniff it and let her do jujitsu for an hour and sit on my face. That's what it's all about. You know what I'm saying?

But you can't bang everybody. That's part of being a man. You know, there's little things that we forget. We forget. Caparulo forgot. You know, people forget. You know what? But he was young, and I believe, I believe he will change.

And I believe that he'll get better. Yeah, he will. He will. Because he just lost it, and it happens. Like I said, I lost it with the longest yard, but it went in the other direction. It didn't propel my ego. It propelled my sadness because I let myself believe that a movie was going to change my life.

You really let yourself, for a long time, we said, when I get mad TV, I'll show them. It's not that you got sober and you realized what you had and you helped the younger guys when you took that writer and then go, come here, I'm going, I'm going, I got you in the sketch. Yeah. That thing. And I could see you. I remember I got a call one day going, you and the other kid would put me in a sketch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I saw how you were.

I saw what you had become on that show. You were no longer the kid in the corner. Now you had your hands on. You would do this shit. You know? And I was proudy. I'm like, look at Bobby Lee calling me in for a day's pay. Hugging me in front of everybody.

You know, Bobby didn't just go get the fuck out of you. He hugged me to let everybody know. This is my brother. He eats the best off that crap service, motherfucker. He gets the sandwiches made. And that's what this whole thing is about. It's not hating Bobby when he's on stage or hating this guy because he got a TV show. You have to be happy because when I'm having to be happy.

because when I'm happy, I know that I'm that much closer. If I'm happy for Bobby, oh shit. Bobby got a TV show? That means my numbers got to be fucking next. Because I was on that same production line. We were on that same production line. That's it. We were on the Mitty Shore production line.

And in my world, that means something. When I didn't have an agent, when I didn't have a fucking, I didn't go to Montreal, when I didn't get a half hour special, I didn't got nothing. I had something over anybody in this town. Bitsy Shaw touched me. Nobody else made me a regular. I didn't send a tape to nobody.

I audition for that bitch twice, and she touched me. So I always knew I had something fucking covered. We didn't eat her pussy like others did, though, did you? No, I did. We know a couple of comics that we're friends with that he ate her pussy, and it's fucking disgusting. Let's give me the thing here. Don't forget. I got to go, dude.

I love you to death. If I just leave, that cool? That's cool. You're not mad? All right. Look, man. I'm happy you drove up here. I know you have a podcast at 11.

Just don't steal my white lighter. That's the only thing. Where's your light? That's yours. That's my... Because if not I go to smoke weed, I got no light. Give me a hot, cucket.

I love you, man. I love you, man. That's great. Thank you for the story. I love you, man. Don't forget, as usual. We got great sponsors. This one is no different.

This is their first night with us, and I got to tell you some, I'm very impressed. I gave it to Lisa. I gave it to Damon, and Damon installed it, and he fucking loved it. So let me,

let me just read this to you and you guys tell me what. There's a sound of a package being delivered. A friend's coming over for dinner, but it's also the sound on somebody planning to rob you blind. Over 95% of home breakings happen during the day, and burgers almost always start by ringing your doorbell to see if somebody's home before they pillage your possessions, okay? With the ring video doorbell,

you can see and talk to anyone at your front door from anywhere in the world using your smartphone. So if somebody rings your doorbell, and let's say you're at yoga, and you see this guy, you can get on there and tell him you'll be home in an hour or 10 minutes or whatnot from anywhere, okay? Rings advance motion detection alerts you. Even if someone doesn't ring the doorbell, it's like the caller ID for your home. With the ring video doorbell, you can talk to delivery people and keep an eye on your package. If someone tries to mess with it, you'll get an instant alert and HD video, the whole thing.

It's like having a neighborhood keep an eye on your home 24-7 without the judgment. Okay, let me tell you some. I used to be a burglar. And this is the way to catch a burglar anybody in your neighbor because it's got motion detector. So it'll turn the lights on. You connect this to your doorbell. It works in a thousand different ways. Installing the ring video takes minutes and it works either with your current wiring or a built-in rechargeable battery.

Put your mind at ease and protect your home with the video doorbell. Time magazine and USA Today named one of their top 10 gadgets. My listeners, ready for this one? People will listen to the podcast will get a free expedited FedEx shipping when you go to ring.com slash church. Again, that's ring.com slash church.

That's all you need to do. We're going to get you FedEx shipping free with the ring video doorbell. You're always home. Do me a favor. Start by going to ring.com church now. But go to ring.com. I want you to do that favor.

See how this product works. You know, I'm not really good with gadgets. I don't know if Lee took a look at it. But just from what I was talking to Damon, this bell is tremendous. It goes right to your phone. It looks like you're having like a FaceTime video call. And it goes right to your phone. And you can even pretend like you are home.

I'm just stuck in the shower. I'm stuck in the shower. And you come back to 15 minutes. It's tremendous, guys. But do me a favor. Go to ring.com right now. That's how it starts. Go to ring.com, read everything about it.

If you like what you see, press in church and bam. You get free FedEx shipping when you go to ring.com slash church. That's ring.com slash church. And as usual, I'd like to thank my main sponsors over there at honor.com. Always, always with the best product. If it's not the hemp force protein, it's the TAT. I mean, they just have stuffed every time I go to their webpage. I'm in shock.

But I always stick in on me. I'm an old-fashioned guy. The Shroom Tech Sport, and the Hempfork protein, I live and die by those. I live and die with. I had a hemp fork today after I took mercy to the park. I love that with my banana, my water, a little bit of sugar. Tremendous, guys. Anyway, don't listen to me.

Go to honor.com right now. If you see something you like, go to the box and press in. Church. And get 10% off your first order. And this, again, like ring and all my products, get delivered to your job. door. Okay? This gets delivered to your door.

If you want to get on the stay-on-it program where they deliver different packages to your door every month, just let them know. They have to stay-on-a-program. You get an additional 10%. I'd like to thank our new sponsor, ring.com. Go to ring and see all the advantages that doorbell gives you. I'd like to thank honor.com. I'd like to thank Bobby Lee and my main man, Lisa.

You're happy, Coguck? I'm thrilled. Thank you, buddy. This was fun. It's going to be a lot of fun in the studio. It's a tremendous fun. We'll be back Wednesday afternoon. It's just me and Lee.

and a calling show. I love you guys. Thank you very much. And as usual, should we play some music, a little turntable music for you, Motherfuck. Let me do the ad real quick.

Just to show you guys what we got here tonight. I'm going to play a little bit of fucking, let's see. I'm going to play what I was playing on the Periscope. How about a little bit of in through the outdoor in the evening? How's that,

motherfucker? Sounds good. This show is brought to you by Ring. Go to ring. Go to ring.com slash church right now to get free expedited FedEx shipping. It's ring.com slash church for the brand new best video doorbell on the market. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com.

Use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products. Thank you again for listening. See you Wednesday. Have a great Tuesday. Good night, cocksucker. Into the outdoor. Like I said before, 1979. A tremendous fucking album.