The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #352 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: February 2, 2016

  Tom Rhodes, comedian and host of "Tom Rhodes Radio" podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 02/01/2016.
   Music:  I Wanna Be Around  - Tony Bennett Wheels OF Confusion - Black Sabbath  

And if Christians, I don't know what to tell you. Fuck! We're back, go Lee. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's Blue Apron.com.

Slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Miandis.com. Go to meundies.com right now. Go to meundies.com slash Joey right now and get 20% off of your first order plus shipping is always free for orders in the US and Canada and the show is brought to you by on it.com go to on it.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products what's happened you bad motherfuckers monday february first you know what happens on the first everybody's down is zero bitches we're all the fucking same on the first hey in the

wreck yeah it really is yeah we're all fucking the same on the first tom roads in studio my main man as usual, the flying Jew. What happened this weekend? I had a great weekend. You went to see pugs. You didn't buy one? No, no. You didn't adopt one? What the fuck?

I wish. But I took a page out of your book. Ever since I've been dating my girlfriend, you try to buy expensive gifts, you try to, like jewelry, like they tell you that's what you need to buy. You go to Zales, you get fucked in the ass. They put you on a credit thing, 21 points for a fucking ring that's hollow. They fuck you. And it's never

I like you giving gifts, and I've never quite gone the reaction from her that I've wanted. She's always liked it, but it's never, like, excited or speechless. And this, I told, I told her that I was like, the gift you're going to like the most is the one that I spent the least on. I called the pug rescue. I said, do you mind, is it cool? My girlfriend

loves pugs can come down and play. And they said, of course. So we went down there and spent like two hours, just playing with dogs. And that's all she's been talking about. She had a great time. Sometimes it's a simplest shit. You know what I'm saying? Right or wrong. That's beautiful. It really is beautiful. Look at a leaf. And we went to

a fancy dinner the night before cost like a hundred like a hundred bucks a nice dinner and then it's the playing with with shelter dogs that it made her year like she's saying we have to do it all the time now but you you both have good marriages so it's you know what it takes and it's it's it's it's i'm learning now because this is my first real real well it's nice to be with a woman who is happy with simple things it really is isn't that crazy my wife she didn't want an expensive wedding ring like i wanted to you know the the the ego in the man you know you know know, I never thought I'd get married. So whatever, but I thought always you got to get a spectacular ring.

She insisted on like a really simple ring. She doesn't, she hates spending money. She doesn't like to shop. How long have you been married now? Five years in April. Jesus Christ. Yeah. That came out of nowhere either.

Like, you went and then you came back to marry. I was the last person in the world I thought we'd get married. Really? Yeah. And my parents are divorced. I thought it was an outdated institution and didn't want anything to do with. Never saw an example of a good marriage. You know, but my wife is amazing.

She's a great woman. She's from Holland, and she's a photographer. A lot of shit happened in my life. I've had a massive transformation. You know, my father was killed by a drunk driver in 2009. That really fucked me up because my dad, he was like Life of the Party guy, always had a cocktail in the hand, a Vietnam veteran. flew helicopters in Vietnam. He was shot down.

He was a tough bad motherfucker. Everyone died in the helicopter except for him and his co-pilot, who he dragged across a field under heavy fire, and then they had to wait in the bushes for like three hours. After he died, I found the letter from the Army saying why he got like five medals

for this. Oh, he never told you? No, no, no, he did, but he didn't like elaborate on the story. I knew that he had been shot down, you know? Like, badass veterans only talk about stuff, but I was close with my dad. He told me, you know, how he had saved a guy and unhooked him and dragged him across the field and

shit, but I didn't realize the, you know, how, it's a Hollywood movie basically. Anyway, my dad loved comedy. He had comedy albums. Prior was his favorite. That's why, you know, my dad drove me to my first open mic night, all this shit. So, uh, I was like, really

fucked up, uh, when he died and angry at the, the drunk driver who killed him. Um, and so my wife really, like, nursed me through this shit. And then I realized I'm never going to find a woman as amazing as

her. And we planned to get married. And then my sister had stage four breast cancer for four and a half years. And then a few days before we were going to get married, they said she's got 24 hours to live. And we got married at my sister's hospital bedside the day before she died of cancer.

And like I was really close with my sister. You know, just the fact that my wife would do that. And because like, I don't know, a lot of women would be like, I ain't giving up my big day. I ain't getting married in a hospital, right? You know, but, like, I got married in a fucking hospital next to my sister before she died of cancer.

And she clapped and said congratulations through her breathing mask. It was the last word she ever spoke. And, like, so, like, then that, like, really fucked me up. I was, like, really angry after that. So then I was angry at God, because, like, I always, you know, believed in God and my family's really religious and shit. So I went through this massive, you know, it was a really difficult couple years. And then my wife really nursed me.

We're traveling around the world. She helped me, you know, heal and laugh again and shit. So, I mean, my wife is incredible. When you said you were mad at God, what did you feel like? Well, I tell you, man, I went to, because my family were all Jesus freaks. And I never, you know, like, I think you should be a good person and don't be a cock. and that was Jesus's message. Don't be a cock.

So I was never like a real, you know, church person, reading the Bible, all that. And I've been open to, you know, I was obsessed with Buddhism when I was younger. And I'm fascinated by religions and things like that. But I was, and I've always been, you know me, you know me for years. I've always been a really happy guy. After my sister died, I had so much anger. And it was really, we went to Ireland. I had gigs after my wedding, and there was this, there's a late-night hamburger place in Ireland called Supermax, and they're all over Ireland.

And you don't want to be in a Supermax after midnight, because it's drunks looking for fights. And I was in Galway. It's my favorite place in Ireland. If you ever go to Ireland, Dublin's great, but Galway is just this shit. It's this mini San Francisco University Seaport. If you were a musician or gay in Ireland, you would go to Galway. So there's a cool rock club there Where everybody played the Pogs and YouTube and Shnade O'Connor

And that's what they do, the comedy The guy that owns it's one of my oldest friends in comedy So we're there And like 1 o'clock in the morning We wanted to get some food And his brother was with him So it's my wife Kevin, his brother We're in Super Max

There's these rugby drunk thugs in there Fuck him with Kevin and his brother, they're looking for a fight. And then we got out of there, but his brother was still in there. And these four guys all jump on him and start pounding it. And then Kevin runs in to help his brother. I'm not a fighter, but I'm not, you know. And then you can't let somebody get beat on it.

I'm not going to help my friend, you know. If something happens, I'm always there for my friends, right? And then also, it's my honeymoon, man. You don't want to look like a coward on your honeymoon. That could fucking be a black mark on your wedding, on your marriage forever. It gets into a fine on their fucking honeymoon. I look at her and I look at my wife and I go, I'm going in, baby, it's Kevin. And she's like, yeah.

And so I go in and I haven't punched anybody in, I don't know, 20 years. And this guy, he was the shitter who had started it, I run in, I punched a guy in the cheek. And apparently like that's the last place in the world you want to hit somebody because this is bone. I broke my finger and I had to go to the hospital the next day. But I mean, you know, the fight was pretty much done when I went in there. You know, I was like Dean Martin in an old West movie, saloon fight. You know, I looked good, nobody hit me. Somebody goes by.

So I'm totally Dean Martin in there. But we went, after we did Galway, we go to Dublin, and I was talking to an Irish comedian friend of mine. And I told him the story about my sister dying and getting into the fight. And he said, you know what I think, Tom? I think you wanted to punch God in the face. and God wasn't available. And that's why you punch that guy.

So, yeah, I wanted to punch. Yeah, it makes sense. Yeah. Did you get in love to punch God in the face? So if you're that guy that I hit. You're sorry. I'm sorry. I was upset.

Oh, I hope you punched the Holy Spirit out. It's really weird because I always describe that. I describe being mad at God. You know what I'm saying? like just a couple times in my life when you're central nervous breakdown. Yeah, and when you're down. When you're down.

You can't explain why God would do something like this. Can't you see how wounded down here you fuck? And then you're going to throw something else on top of me? So you're the first person a long time that I've heard to say that. That's why I thought it was interesting. No, you know, when you got married, I had heard it through like the grapevine. And I was in shock. And I didn't know anything about the hospital.

Now I'm a more fucking shock. but you're one of those dudes you know you're a real comedian when I got into comedy it was to do what you do but then I had the felonies

I can't travel abroad so I killed that whole fucking dream so I had to make what I got you know what I'm saying I go to like Catalina Island and make the league but you've led that life you know somebody gave me a book for you

it's one of those books that you open up and it's a safe remember when we were kids you would open up those books oh yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah. And for me, he gave me, I forget the name, Body and Soul or something, but for me, he gave me Lenny Bruce, the one I always talk about. How to talk dirty and influence people? No, the other one, the one that he lives in to Chelsea, and he's doing heroin with the jazz musicians.

And when I read that, that was the fucking book. What the hell are you? You put chocolate on the table, and I got it all over me, cuck-sucking. When you had it over here, that's what happens. Is that that marijuana chocolate? Yeah, yeah. So reading that, that's what really, like I was getting, this was way before I got separated. This was when I was about 27, 20, I just got out of prison. I read that book when I was locked up. And I was like, this is an interesting life.

This is no responsibility life. Like, if you want it, you could just live under the fucking radar. So when I got into comedy, it was to live under the radar, to just travel and whatever came. No one to answer to? Nobody answered to. Nobody answered to. No one to look out for you. Nothing.

When you're out there driving and some fucking. in town in you know Missoula Montana you don't know what's going on trying to outrun a hurricane tornado there's a point where you're sitting

there a little confused but then you're like why am I confused about there's no confusion here I got no boss I'm gonna do 60 miles an hour I'm gonna drive to the tank goes empty fill it up get something to eat

and then finish driving and get to my gig on those triple runs when you first start they could be a little fucking irritating those triple runs I never did those. Really? I went to, I stayed in Montana at Rich Hall's. He owns a ranch.

Right, right. He's like an old friend of mine. My wife and I spent a month at his ranch like five years ago. And then for fun, I did those, I did like a few of those gigs because they were notoriously the worst gigs in America. In America. But tremendous for a comedian. Tremendous for a comedian. And they build a lot of character.

And they teach you how to live all $50 a day when you want to do Coke. and drink Montana Coke Wow Let me tell you something I got some fucking Coke in Montana one time That was so good

I got good Coke All Idaho I went from Houston To somewhere Oregon Or it was either Oregon or Idaho And I got some

fucking blow From a door chick That was so fucking hot guys This guy was thinking Or he was way ahead of the game This had to be 2000 This guy was already ahead of the game. He had a hot chick at the door taking IDs.

This bitch was so fucking hot. Big country woman. Big natural tities, wranglers on, you know, boots. Fucking banging. And after I did comedy, she came over to me. And she's like, you do blow. And she's like, the Mexicans in the back have some tremendous shit. I'm like, wait for like, and I was headlining.

So they gave me like $100. I was like, fuck, yeah, what can I get for 60? And they gave me a half-eighth. So she goes, you know, she gives me the half-eighth. And she goes, where are you staying at the whatever hotel? And I go, yeah. And I went back with the comic. We did a couple lines.

And then I said, fuck, let me go back to my room. But an hour later, the angel knocked on my door. But she was a banger. This was, you know, this is life on the road. You meet a chick that's fucking gorgeous. You think that she, you know, You know, this chick probably works at a dog shelter Monday through Friday. That's what she looked like.

And she came over and she's like, can I get high with you? I brought beers or something. I go, sure. I was awake anyway. You know, I made it like I hadn't touched the Coke. And all of a sudden she took her works out in this little fucking town in Montana. She took works out and took some of the Coke and melted it and shot herself. No shit.

I had to go outside. Is that what work is? It work is just needles? Yeah, it works as needles. She showed up, hell of you. You don't know the work? She showed up with a little fucking pack. I don't know what works.

Didn't you watch black exploitation films in the 70s? I never knew it was called works. Holy shit. I had to go outside. I had to go outside because I thought I was going to faint. I had to take the Coke with me because I didn't trust the bitch either. Now that opened up a complete different, you know. Is that popular to shoot Coke?

You know, listen, I've seen maybe two people do it in my life. I was never really around needles. You know. Yeah, I never wanted anything to do needles. People who do needles. You know, it's like when I first moved to Hollywood, the chicks next to us were heroin chicks. Too hot lesbian chicks that just ate each other and did heroin.

And both of them had body odor to kill a fucking moose. And then I talked to her once by the pool. I go, what's that smell? I think you're probably talking about us. I just may believe, like, what's that smell? And they told me they wouldn't use soap with showers. Why? Because the soap would clean their pores, and they don't want their pores to be clean.

You want your pores to be congested so the heroin doesn't sweat out. So it sits in your fucking body. That's gross. That dedication. And every time you eat chocolate or something, it kicks it back open. So heroin people don't like sweating. They like to fill their pores up and shit with fucking concrete or whatever the fucking. Wait, were they the ones that sold meat?

Who, how do they make a living? These two brides, one of them was like a trust. This was the craziest building. me, Josh Wolf, the girl next to us was beautiful, beautiful. I had a kid, every dad's here with a resume going on an acting audition. One night I put Showtime on there, she's sucking a dick on Showtime, my neighbor. The girl next to her, the two lesbians, didn't bathe. Then the girl next to her held the weed for the guy who lived on the fourth floor or the second floor, white lightning.

He was a Jewish guy that hung out with Jewish guy. He was a Jewish guy that hung out with black women and then the Jamaica night. At some bar on fuck. I swear to God, you can't write this shit. So he would get 10 pounds sent in from Jamaica. So he was a pussy. So he would hide in the garage and he would give this chick half of it. She would steal half of it and sell it to us.

We'd give her Coke. She'd suck your dick and then we'd steal like an eighth from her or weed. She had no chin. It was unbelievable. This chick had no fucking chin. It's amazing how you find buildings. Look, you ask me if I knew what a rig was, no. I have no idea.

The second floor also lived in a Mexican kid who sold coke. and he didn't get home until two. So once he came home, the party started. The girl on the first floor was a promoter at one of the bars. So she'd bring freaks home, and there was a pool in the backyard. I never got laid back. I could tell you a thousand stories. They were all young girls.

I was dirty, too. I lived upstairs with Josh Wolk, but that's how crazy that fucking building was. The chick with the chin sucked my dick a few times without the chin. I forget what her name was she was from Connecticut. She had no chin. She was like, awful stuff. But she had gigantic tities, and that's all that matters, I guess, at that time. I'm saying when you're doing powder and craziness.

It just... That's crazy. It just magnetizes. People like, Coke just brings people. Like, I've never had anyone knock on my hotel room door. Attract heroin people. You know, how many times you bump into something that says you want to line of heroin? Never.

Because they just, they know. Only headburn. Really? Everybody has different sense. Yeah, and I never got into hard drugs. I stopped doing hard drugs a couple years ago. I stopped drinking alcohol. Did you two years ago?

You see, the scar. on my forehead? It's getting smaller. What was that scar from? I blacked out in Philadelphia. A helium? I was performing at helium. Oh, Jesus Christ. And I was there New Year's Eve two years ago.

And three sold-out shows, New Year's Eve, and then the way the weekend was, I had January 1st, the Thursday off, and they wanted me to stay for the Friday, Saturday. So never am I in a city with a night off. And my wife was in Holland visiting her mother. So like if she was with me, I think I would have fallen into her. So you want the long version or the short version?

Short version. So I had... Just move up a little bit. Don't move the thing up. Keep talking. I had 10 pints of Sierra Nevada, very normal evening. I was in some little work in man's bar. on Sansom Street. And I just blacked out

and fell like a tree off this bar stool. Just booze? Just booze. Yeah. And then my head hit the tile floor and some guys, once my head hit the floor, I was wide awake. And then I feel this dude

grabbing me by the arm and he screams out to the bar. We got to call an ambulance. Oh, fuck. And I turned to him and I go, I go, fuck that. I don't have health insurance. Don't you dare call an ambulance. And he looks at me and he goes, you got to get to a hospital.

I said, how far is the nearest hospital? And he goes, two blocks. I go two blocks and you were going to call an ambulance? It's like $15,000. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, that's life in America, you know?

So I grabbed a wad and napkins and I walked like John Wayne to the emergency room, sat there. And then, you know, the next day I had these Frankenstein stitches on my forehead and a black eye. And the last couple years, I was, you know, I've always been a heavy drinker, always been a big partier, you know, it was part of my identity. I just felt sluggish. Like I, like an athlete, you know, you lose step after, you know, you get a little older. And I was starting to get that fat, boozy, alcoholic face that my dad had and like the booze

nose and shit. And I look in the mirror the next day and I got these Frankenstein stitches and a black eye. And I was like, I want to go one year. seeing what it's like not being drunk every night of my life because you know in a comedy we get paid in you know one of the the only perk is free drinks so like you know i always drank like a fish everywhere it was part of the you know the benefits so uh i went one year and i got so much shit done and i didn't have this low magnitude depression all the time uh and then being hungover all the next day and feeling like shit

and all these things I wanted to do. It's like, you know, you feel bad about yourself because, you know, you're not achieving everything you want to be doing. So I felt so great after a year and got so much shit done. I was like, fuck, I'm going to stick with this.

And it's been two years and now I just gave up the cigarettes. How do you feel after two years? I feel incredible. What is your nightlife now? Do you just go to a hotel, drink coffee? You know, now you gave up the fucking cigarettes, so that goes, you know, why drink the coffee if you ain't got the fucking cigarettes? No, I love coffee.

And I love cigarettes. I still love cigarettes and I still love booze. I love drinking. I just like, you know, I, you know, I love wine. I know a lot about wine. I envision myself maybe in my 60s, maybe having a glass of wine. But I think a nice 10-year stretch at least seeing how much shit I can get done. I mean, I love comedy.

I love making jokes. And, you know, I've been working on a book for a few years. There's like a lot of shit I want to be doing. Now, you know, look at all these comedians banging out new hour specials every year. You know, it's been a couple years since my last special. I'm really working my ass off to get my next hour, you know? I'm motivated and I'm happy. Like I said, the main thing is I don't have that low magnitude depression all the time,

which just happens when you're fucking boozing all the time. What do you mean by that? Low magnitude depression. Do you drink all the time? I don't, no. There's just certain underlying funk that you feel all the time. And you think, I'm hung over and it'll wear off, whatever. But then, like, the evening comes.

And I never drank before shows. It was always after, you know. I love comedy too much. I mean, like, sure, some second show Fridays, I was hammered. But for the most part, my rule of thumb was never. you know, drink before you go on stage. Anyway, there's just a... Did you feel this way, like, when you were starting comedy and drinking?

No, now I feel like when I was young, I feel like comedy's the drug. Getting on stage for me is the drug. And thinking up jokes again. It's great because at one point, you know, it's like, you know, my dad was the life of the party. I'm the life of the party. I always intertwined comedy with being the life of the party. You know, you're the party leader. And like Pryor also, one of my favorites,

just the mythology of people who party. All my heroes died fat, naked, and bloated on the bathroom tile. You know what I'm saying? Jim Morrison, Lenny Bruce. So, you know, I wanted to be that, you know, wild man. But, you know, you get a little older and you realize, people you love start dropping dead and you realize you know man

there's a there's a fucking hourglass to life you only get so much you know when you're young and having fun it just seems like this endless thread that's never going to end Sarah Tiana was here a couple nights ago and she said that she feels

sometimes that ages you the road I mean I was 50 when I was born you know what I was saying I looked 80 when I was born it was fun man I always had a great time And you know, I was born on the road as a comedian So I never had the hang-ups about the road And I always, it's a necessary component

To the whole program I always felt But then again, you know, I went and did way too much And playing all over the... I haven't lived anywhere in 10 years I had everything in storage So I would spend six months of the year Outside of the United States

Last month, last year I did five months in Europe Month in Asia And then six months all over the States you know the year before that I did a month in Australia a month in New Zealand and just you know relentlessly you know but no you're the last of a real deal but I'm talking about even from the beginning I mean when you first walk into your first open mic you're nervous you get up boom then you go to your second your third then by the fourth people are like hey let's have a drink and all of a sudden you become a social comic you you you know run with other comics then you find your click and they're

all a bunch of drinkers and drugs they're like to get high And now all you used to go out together, four nights a week to do comedy, which always means cocktails. There's not one night you're going to go out when you're in the beginning and not drink. Drinking all night and hanging out with comedians is my favorite thing on the planet. And some people have to go to work, but they don't give a fuck. They stay out until three and do it again the next night. And are you getting like hammer, hammer drunk? It's not like one or two nights.

Some nights you get really ripped and some nights you get the party started, but you eat something. You go eat with a bunch of comedians and you simmer down a little bit, you know. some nights you go fucking for two days. I dedicated my life to that. Yeah, some nights you go for two days, and you don't know. You don't know until you get out there. You don't know what's going to happen. You might go to a bar.

You know, most bars will tell you on the thing, where you get two free drinks as a feature act. And you get there, and the chicks from Connecticut. And now you got something to talk about next thing you know, she's giving you free fucking drinks, you know. I started out in Orlando, and then I started out on the southern circuits. After I got him of Florida, then when I went on the road,

I played every town that ends in Villarboro in the Southern United States. I played fucking everywhere. The late 80s, the comedy zone out of Charlotte, they had a comedy zone in every holiday and lounge. Creative entertainment. All over the Southern United States.

So I started out doing those gigs. Every holiday in? Oh my God, from Prestonburg, fucking West Virginia, to fucking, like, Clarkville, Tennessee. How did they book all those shows? I mean, it's not, like, Florence, South Carolina, you know, Jacksonville, they had the Mandarin Inn.

They had all those clubs. And then Tribal, on the other hand, has Red Lionins. So all the Red Lionins on the Northwest, Tribal books, pretty much. Some of them are Mormon. You can't curse on stage. But some of them, they don't give a fuck. Some of them the Mormons don't even. even give a fuck. They're out trying to get a piece of pussy too.

It's Wednesday night. Happy hour works for them too. So I started out doing the, and then there was gigs in the Midwest, and then, you know, I just was into this adventure and I started when I was 17, so I went on the road when I was 18 after I graduated high school,

and I had a good enough car. My dad helped me get from this woman that he was fucking, and I went everywhere, and I would be gone for months and then, you know, go up to Chicago and do guest sets and hit, you know, I wanted to be a comedian and then I would, you know, I would work, blocks, you know, Kansas City, wherever, and Milwaukee and all over, you know, Lexington and, and then I would systematically try and go do

showcase sets at other places. So like, you know, you're talking about how bad the road was. For me, the road was Homer's Odyssey, you know. I went on the road and, uh, and, uh, and, uh, I would go away for months at a time. My family never knew when I would be back. I'm really jealous of that lifestyle. It seems like it would be, and I can see that it probably is wearing, and you miss certain things,

but it seems like it would be so cool. You don't miss a fucking thing. Like, you'd be in Detroit. Right. Like, I'd be in Detroit working at Joey's Comedy Club. Okay. And I have two shows, and I'd be the feature act. So the show starts at 7.30.

Guy does 15, 7.40. I'm off at 815. I would schedule a showcase and all jokes aside in downtown Detroit at 845. And I'd go right from the stage, into the car, shoot down there, run in, do a showcase, go back, do the 1030 show. I was a govone. You have to be. You got a hustle, man. You got to hustle.

That's the only way. You got to call the clubs and go, hey, Lee Sayy. Yeah, Joey Diaz. Listen, I like to do a guest set. Who recommended you? Tom Rhodes. Can I ask you a question? Mr. Sayah, yeah.

Listen, I just want to know the person who books is going to be there to make a decision. Because once I fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd destroy that fucking room. I don't want to leave there without a booking. And they would just sit on the other end of the line. That's part of it. You would say the...

I got no choice. I got no choice. I'm a salesman. And they would giggle sometimes. Sometimes they'd go, okay, come down at 8.30, wise ass. And they'd hang up on me. I'd drop a name. Especially back then, to play the game, you had to cover the land.

And you had to go showcase at these places and get past. So you also, you had little room for error. You had to constantly kill, you know? Constantly. And right. On the showcases. You know, it's like somebody, we went somewhere about two years ago, me, Brian, and somebody else, and we did a show. And we went to the town, ladies, like, okay, what do you want to do?

And we're like, we're going to a hotel room. We got to go freshen up before the show. She's like, I thought we were going to save money. I was going to give it back to the comics. We just hang out in a restaurant until 8.30. And I'm like, are you crazy? We did that. We go to a town and get there at two in the afternoon.

You got $3 in your pocket. You go to Wendy's, got a dollar burger, and some fries and a soda. And sit there and smoke cigarettes and wait six hours until the club open. And you're starving. Now you've got to go in. And you know what? It's amazing. Like, here you have $44 for the holiday in.

And the club owner's like, you've got a place to stay? Really, you can stay at the condo tonight just leaving the morning. You're like, there you go. I just save $50. Your life is an adventure. It's an adventure. Some days it don't work like that. Some days you've got to call Western Union and say,

at least I at, put $50. Send it to fucking Jacksonville, Florida. This Western Union. What are you talking about? I need $50. Fuck a dollar. Do you want me to come home for Christmas? Yeah.

Can you get me, $50? It's amazing. It's amazing. Your life is just, and you bump into people who will help you out. You go to a town,

you do a show of comic or say, what are you going to do? Nothing. I'm going to drive for. I got a basement. I got cable TV. Nobody's home all day. Stay there, watch TV.

I got a computer. You're like, Jesus, I just saved $100. I just saved $150. This guy opened his home to me. And that's what happens. Every day is different. You never got nervous about accepting those offers of staying at someone's house?

Comics were cool, man. You work with them four days. Like, you just finished, like I was in Myrtle Beach one time. And I worked the weekend. I was going to take a bus. And this kid goes, what are you going to take a bus for? I'm driving back to South Carolina. Where you're going is eight hours away.

I go, so what am I going to do in? Charles and he goes stay with me I stayed with him for four fucking days the kid was a gentleman he gave me pizza he worked on a pizza place he brought up pizza it was fucking tremendous you never know you never know until you get out there there's a girl that's around here there's a girl that I forget what the name is I just saw a Comedy Central special 20 years ago we were in Baltimore doing a Roger Paul fucking thievery gig you know 400 when you get there it's 250 and there's no hotel her and her and her boyfriend and were like stay at our place.

It's right around the corner. You have no idea. They gave me a check. So I already had a round-trip bus ticket. I couldn't cash a check at fucking midnight on a Saturday night. So I was stuck. They were like stay at our house. The next morning I took the fucking bus back to New York.

I still remember all these things because they're miracles. But they wouldn't have happened unless I made the effort. Do you understand me? Like I can't plan that shit. You can't plan that. I don't know Leasin to tell me to stay on this couch. But unless I take getting that fucking car and make the drive, you'll never know. You'll never fucking know.

And that's what stops people. They go, I don't want to go out there. What if? What if nothing? Get in the fucking car and drive. What if you run out of the money? Who gives a fuck? It'll work out.

It'll work out. Just go out there. I just watched a very interesting movie that I had never, ever seen before. and it blew my mind. I had to fucking come home and watch it again last night until fucking midnight. Really? Wild.

Reese Whittespoon? When she backpacks across and she's a hooker, she's a fucking... Oh, my wife saw that. My wife loved the book, loved the movie. I never saw it. It was fucking tremendous. Fucking tremendous.

She got nominated. Unbelievable. She gets fucked in that movie 800 times. There's one scene in a restaurant. Both guys fuck her. She's a waitress. One guy fucks her from behind.

But it's... But she's backpacking, and she's thinking of all these thoughts and all these different situations. And there's a couple times when she gets in a car with a guy, and he goes, you know what, I can't wait to take you home. I got a surprise for you. And then she's like, I've got to meet my husband. Also, the guy takes her home and he's got a wife, and she takes a shower, and they feed her. And she hasn't eaten in days. And the next day, the guy gives her a ride.

That shit wouldn't happen. You wouldn't just find that. You wouldn't know the world has that to offer unless you went for it. That's the beauty of you traveling. Tom Rhodes could tell all of us right now tomorrow in the United States to suck our dick he's got a complete different family over in Europe he could be the real bulger you know the fucking guy

that Johnny Depp played they would never find him this motherfucker they would never find them they would never find him they'd be crazy to look for him because he knows he's created that over the years he's created that it took seven eight nine years to create this complete different

family in Singapore. He could go to any town and walk in and go, Tump bing, tampi, and fucking Chinese people are jumping, throwing darts, serving them a cat. You know how it is? That's the beauty of that, that you don't know that until you go out there and meet these people. You don't find the beauty of people. That's the shit they don't tell you in school. That's the shit that some authors give you in their writing. Some authors give you hope. You know what? I'm going to go on the road. I'm going to meet interesting people. Well, yeah, I read Carowack when I was in a nice school.

And that Jack Carowack on the road is why I moved to San Francisco in 1990. I was like 22 and that movie, that book changed my life. And that's why I never was afraid of the road. Yeah, you're never afraid. You know, even, you know, going to California. There's a quote in that book. He says, I knew somewhere along the way that the pearl would be handed to me. Everything I needed to know, everything I wanted to be.

experience. It's, uh, I was always very scared about traveling abroad, even when I had the passport. When I had the passport, I didn't take advantage of it. I was always very scared. I wanted to travel the United States first. I pretty much done comedy everywhere, you know, all these fucking states, except maybe Puerto Rico. That's it.

Alaska, I was up there in Choku Charlie's, you know. I've done that gig. Yeah, everybody's done that. Love that place. Especially if you're drinking, it's great. Oh. And you're snorting, and you wake up the next morning, you get a piece of halibut. Are you fucking kidding me?

You could snort 80 pounds of blow You need a piece of halibut You're back It don't matter what you're stoned It takes the electromagnetium out of your body You know what I'm saying? The road is very interesting And when people say it the road

It's this big You know, in your mind If you close your eyes, it's the road You know, you just look at windshield And see this open road And you're fucking driving it But it's got so many different things So many lessons that I've learned

But mostly about people And the lesson I learned the most of it gave me hope in mankind. It gave me hope in humanity because there's some fucking dynamite people out there. Dynamite. I wish I could name all the fucking cool people. From day one, when I went to Aspen that time, I met a white dude who used to be like Tom Rhodes. He was a brick mason in the summers and in the winters he would go to New Zealand. And he had a complete different life down there.

And he would tell me about his life down there. And it was like being a kid. It was magical, too. Yeah, and being a kid and somebody telling you these stories about a faraway land. I was enamored with the guy. I couldn't believe it. And I would say, you know, and he exchanged numbers. I used to, oh, my God, I forget the guy's name I did Masonry for him.

Chip Chilson. He was a professional fucking skier. And he hired me to be a hotie carrier. And he hired me three fucking summers, that dude. Two summers he hired me. He was a good dude, but he worked your ass off in the summer. In the winter, he skied all summer. He was a professional skier.

But he was one of his brickmasons. And that always intrigued me. And even then, I was not even close to being comic in 1983. It wasn't even a dream. But just that thought always was like, wow, I like to get on a bus and just go to California and hitchhike back. Remember it was a show The Hitchhiker on HBO? Oh, I take me remember that.

There was a show like The Hitchhiker. Yeah. That also intrigued me. He would always get his dick sucked and have threesome's and shit. You know, that would never happen to be, but it's a fantasy that the hitchhiker. Like, you had balls of steel. You fucking, when did you decide you were leaving? For L.A., I don't remember making a decision.

I went to college to be an editor. And I knew, Emerson? Emerson College in Boston. In Boston, yeah. Yeah. I just knew from the beginning that I was coming out here. I kind of wanted to be in New York a little bit, but I had a job out here. So, but I did have, I've told this story, but I had a panic attack in Connecticut because I realized I had everything in my entire life in my car.

So I had to pull over for a second. And when I came here, see, I've always turned people down. I feel bad when people, like, when I first came out here, my editor offered to let me stay on his couch while I found a place. I was like, no, and I paid for a hotel. I just, I felt, I always, I don't, I don't want to intrude on it. anybody and like I can't tell you from this podcast how many offers I've gotten for anywhere and I always feel bad and I always feel like I don't know but it's I should start accepting it more I stayed on so many couches but I can't anymore like I refused it yeah I did too I stayed on

so many fucking couches I got so many free nights of rent so many so many so fucking men you know people said stay here i mean it was just un fucking believable so now even when i go home people like take my apartment whatever i'm like i'm fucking embarrassed i don't want to live in your house on vacation that's how i feel i'm gonna scratch my balls and i like to come home from the comedy gig and drink coffee and stay up for a while listen to music and write notes you know it's awkward it's fucking awkward

that's the i couldn't imagine going to somebody's house and tiptoeing through the house two in the morning when I'm coming back and doing comedy. I'm a fucking grown man, you know. And I did it until I was about 40. And then I had to, I just had a stop. I just stopped. It started. I did it a lot in the last 10 years.

And my wife and I, like Rich Hall owns a ranch in Montana. And we went and stayed there for a month. There's a guy, a comedian invited us to stay at his place in London. And he was a neurotic, strange dude. So it was, uh, like we would throw away the, he had the garbage and recycling. And, you know, so anything plastic had to go into the recycling. So we're getting like, you know, food from the grocery store and put the plastic in the thing.

But he would put the plastic stuff in the dishwasher and wash it before he put it in the, he had all these strange habits. So like sometimes you stay with somebody and it's like they're weird and they're irritating. And then, yeah, like you said, you got to, you know, tiptoe around eggshells, even if you got your separate room and stuff. Yeah, I want my own respiratory fucking place.

I want to sleep by myself. I don't want nobody in the fucking room watching me, you know. I like to walk with my dick out. No, like people, you know, like I slept in people's houses and all of a sudden you wake up with coke around your nose

with a sleep at your machine and their four-year-olds poking you with a stick. Or fucking running a hot wheel through your fucking stomach because your stomach's hanging out of your shirt. You have no fucking idea. My friend's dog pissed on me

when I was sleeping one time because my hand was hanging off the edge and he was pissed on the edge of the fucking couch and I got pissed on my face and on my arm by a fucking pug. That's why I don't like fucking bugs. I hate those fucking dogs. That's why.

It just got old, man. You know, I lived with people up to 1993. I lived with George in New York. And I said, fuck this. I went back to Boulder. And I got an apartment. I stayed there by myself to have 95. Then after 95, you know,

bam, I've been on my... own pretty fucking much i i i'm love living alone it's it's great like i i've thought about living with people and it just it's terrible it's so much better living alone they touch it in well i mean having a place to live as a new concept for me i mean i just we just got an apartment here six months ago you know from not living anywhere and every week going to a different city you know to different you know hotels mostly um and then when we had time off we would take an epic vacation, my wife and I. We went to Rome the last four years and stuff.

Two years ago, we went to Bali. When I was still drinking, we would go to New Orleans a lot. So, depending where I was in the planet. So, you know, my wife and I, just the fact we have an apartment now, like, we're like, you know, to have like a sock drawer and an underwear

drawer. And like, just the simplest things, you know, make us happy. Like, we open the refrigerator, man. And I'm like, you know, these are our condiments. I own that musters. It's like, it's kind of, it's really new. And like I said, my, I have this massive book collection and my vinyl records. I'm just playing my vinyl records to start the day, every day.

It's awesome to have stuff. You don't have a TV, which is interesting. I have a TV, but I just Netflix on it. I don't watch regular TV or the news and other shit. Yeah, just Netflix. Fuck those motherfuckers. Yeah. If I had no responsibilities, like I've been thinking about it, I think it would be really cool to just be an Uber driver and just drive across the country.

I've had some incredible conversations with Uber drivers in Los Angeles. Some of them are cool. Some of them kind of, like, I've had some weird ones, but I think it would just, like, I would love to just go to every city. Like, we used to go to New Orleans a lot. I've never been in New Orleans once. I would love to check out all those places. And I think I just had that. New Orleans is great, especially if you're partying, man.

It never closes. and one of the cities that scared New Orleans and you and I met in Houston Houston and you know like I said I stopped doing hard drugs a couple years ago and stopped drinking

but I do have to give a commercial to Houston and New Orleans as the purest cocaine of anywhere in America I mean the dealers really have an appreciation for the original product

and I mean that should be advertised on their you know tourist propaganda that they don't step on their shit my town me a pen over there give me a pen over there let me see my towns for cocaine in this order where el paso el paso elpato totally oh my el paco Houston and new orleans i think those are my top three new orleans

and then Miami el paso really it was one other place in there what's the one that's 10 hours from Houston? Midland, Midland, Texas, which is around the corner from O'Passo, a few hours. I did a gig there once. That's where I showed up,

and the fucking MC gave me an eight ball. He gave me an eight ball and the feature an eight ball, and he had an eight ball, and at the end of the show, he had done his eight ball already. It was fucking crazy. It was fucking crazy. But Opaso, that was,

I'm lucky I didn't die in Opaso. Was it like the quality? The quality, quantity, quantity, how much of it. Oh, yeah. Who did it? Who had it? It was always available. It was always one night, listen to me, a guy and I, I did something, and this guy just happened to see it.

Like, it could have been a commercial or like a co-star on a TV show. This had to be 2001, 2000, because it was the old comic strip, the old comic strip. The old comic. Strip because they were here and then they moved across the street and he bought the building and that's where it ended once he bought the building he was here for 20 years and made a fucking small gold mine then he moved the crudy fired the gay manager he did all these moves that was stupid here it was a gold mine it was tuesday through saturday my god it was just fucking craziness and the cocaine was la pier de la resistance the first time i went was fourth of july 90 fucking seven i came back to shoot that first time I went to El Paso was July of 97 and I came back to shoot a fucking Taco Bell commercial with the dog. Remember those first commercials? The dog, I shot the first

three. But I came back and I brought back a Coke rocker on the bus and I got on the bus. I sat down and did two fucking bumps and within an hour they pulled the bus over and the dogs are getting on. I crushed the rock up. I snort the whole thing By the time they got to me, I had my t-shirt off. I was sweating profusciously. I had a bead running down my armpit. Fucking classic shit.

That's the first. So once I had that experience, I'm like, I'm going back there. And it took me like two years to go back there. But when I got back there, it was lights out. Light. That was another place that the original condo all night long, people would be knocking. You want to buy me coke? You're like, yeah, come on in.

I was just thinking about making a call, but I didn't really, you know, that was another place. I was like to El Paso. I had one of the greatest moments in my career in El Paso. At the comic strip. At the comic strip. It was about five years ago. It was massive snowstorm. It never snows in El Paso.

I was there in February. This massive snowstorm hits El Paso. And, I mean, it was fucking cuck. And they were having rolling blackouts like the night before the show had been canceled because the electricity had blacked out in the whole city on and off. So I love El Paso because it's all 80% Mexican people There's the audience And then there's an army base there Fort Bliss

So you got about 20% of the audiences Like army people and stuff So the great audiences And I was on stage for about a half hour And I was killing Because any comedian that tells a story about himself Is killing in the story I'm doing a great set

The lights go out The city blacked while I was on stage and the people in the audience held up their cell phones and I did another half hour in the glow of cell phone light with no electricity it was really cool they were like no no man keep going fucking fucking it you sure was their phone not their noses glowing from the well I guess they were coked they were like they're ready they didn't want to end the good time right they weren't cold I could lie to you and tell you a bunch of stories and I could tell you that I cut my kindly teeth in Texas if it wasn't for the state of Texas

I wouldn't even have become a comic. Texas has always been good for me. Because they gave me the freedom to say what the fuck I wanted. They had tons of work. No matter what city in that fucking beautiful state, you've always got work. I love Texas too. Throughout my career,

I always been there for me. You know what? I don't work the comic strip no more just because I just don't. It's just a great guy. He does what he does. But I can't lie to you either. I used to work that club as a feature. Four or five times.

times a year. Yeah, I'd bus it down there. Bus it right now. Monday night. 11 o'clock bus gets you in that one in the afternoon. I'd stay up all night on the bus talking shit by myself with an iPod, writing stupid fucking jokes. I bring sandwiches and I fucking ride the bus.

Get there at one, go to the condo, take a nap, take a shower, do the show on fucking Tuesday night. And that's when it starts. It was Tuesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Thursday, two Friday and two Saturday. It was a long week, Jack, seven shows. and six of those nights you snorted up a fucking blizzard. You saw daylight every night. Do you understand me?

You saw daylight every night. And no, Passover you wore. That means you stayed up until morning? Daylight. 7 a.m. fucking go to bed. I don't give a fuck who I worked that fucking room with. They knew this room, this fucking condo is going to be rocking until daylight.

I swear to God that was so crazy down there. And, you know, it's a shame. And down the block they had a supermarket. And on Friday mornings, they used to make Yucatan fish soup with every piece of fucking fish available. And you see like eyeballs and heads and shark fins and shit. Let me tell you something. No matter how much coat you snowed it the night before,

how bad that pussy was that you ate. The next morning all you had to have was that Yucatan fish soup. And you were back in business. That brought you back for Friday. You went back to Knapp to about 6.30. went down to the comic strip, had their cheeseburger, and went on stage and did two shows and got another package.

It was, and then they had a chick that delivered blow to you, and she had a boyfriend from time to time you could talk him to licking your nuts, because she was so coaked up by the head. This was craziness. Then you had Dallas, I got coked up a few times.

The other place was crazy. Midland, that was run by a magician. That was horrible, and he was married, so he was Yeah, Rob Jenkins. Rob Jenkins and shit. I did that gig.

He brought me in there for New Year's Eve once. I don't forget. It was like four grand or some. It was crazy this place. It was a place next door that did Nortenao dancing.

It was this dance. It was a Mexican block. Norteno is this dance and this music that's only in the north of Mexico. So, you know, really cowboy Mexican people. There was a really grimy strip club

in that town. Did you go there? No. It was like total nudity. No, no, no. And like, you know, they worked for tips or something only. You can hit the kids crying in the back and shit. The kid, they have a dead kid stabbing themselves and shit.

The little fucking affluenza white kids there jumping up and down. Fuck you. Those strip clubs are hard. You get shot in those fucking strip clubs. They don't even have floors. It's dirt. It's like the inside of a fucking barn. This is crazy because they had one in, in fact, Babit took me.

For the one that was a barn down where Salinas from. Down in Corpus, fucking Christi. You're not serious. In a barn, like animals? There was no animals. The animals had been killed. They had been transferred to a different farm, and they had a strip club and a barn.

They had four chicks dancing. They had like a roulette table. This had to be me, Freddie Soto, and somebody else. Oh, I loved Freddy Soto. So this had to be, God bless his soul. This had to be 2019, 1999, me, Freddie. And in those days, they used to pull a scam. I used to, because they wanted, like, a ton of money to fly into Houston direct.

But if you flew into Houston via San Antonio or something, you get off the plane in San Antonio. Fucking tremendous. For like 99 bucks, I get off the plane of San Antonio and shit and take the bus down from San Antonio to Corpus Christi, like a Puerto Rican. You know me, Doug. How much money would you say you're doing that? I can't imagine you doing that now. And then I'd go back to Corpus and they'd fight with me. They'd say, no, this isn't your destination.

I make up a story and now you can't do that. What do you mean you make of a destination? Because you have to fly out of, you can't fly out of the connecting city. So let's say I have a ticket from Dallas to Phoenix to L.A. And I show up in Phoenix an hour before the flight. They're not going to let me out. There's not today. There's not.

Actually, this dude got in trouble. This dude. Yeah, they don't fuck around no more. They lost. The guys, the airlines, I'm pretty sure lost the suit. Really? I can check, but he made a website. where you do that you save money

by just getting off or getting on like a weird connecting flight but I'm pretty sure he beat the airlines at least United. You know what I'm saying fly United? Where's Tony Bennecocks up? It's Monday night. Alex Tony.

February 1st, get your ducks in order. It's a new fucking month. I want to be around to pick up the pieces. Every time I come in here, my fucking days change. Somebody brace your heart. No? No movies with my wife.

It's amazing. But somebody who... Who should be true? Are you recording or is this a break? Who recording? Because I told you my vinyl records. I'm playing tons of Ella Fitzgerald records. Sinatra, Tony Bennett.

It's fucking great. It's all I'm listening to that. Love Tony Bennett. Lee, I want you to know something. I've always been a hard-headed guy. So I was, you know, I came from Cuba. You had the fucking 45s, okay? And they had a thing in the middle, and you played 45s.

Okay. Everybody was fucking happy. Everybody was fucking happy, Lee. Everybody was fucking happy. Albums were great. People were smoking dope. People were having a good time. you had two of the things, excuse me, you had eight tracks, and you had cassettes.

But vinyl was the way to fucking go. And all of a sudden, some genius said, no, let's go real to real. So all of a sudden, all these fucking Joe Jerkaw started going real to real. Did you get your real to real yet? No. No. No. No.

I knew it fucking 18. In 1982, I kept saying to myself, this is a scam. Did people really have real-the-reels in their house? Real the real in the house. My friend still has it in his basement. No, he does. Yes, he does. He's the only one that fell for it.

He fell. Him and three other idiots all got real to real. You know, when we hear Judas Priest, we could hear Rob Halford's voice pull away. They all had a thousand fucking stories. Remember when CDs came out. It was like being in the room with them. It's like being in the room with them. That's the way they marketed it.

You know, it's always some bullshit story and people fell for it. And I kept saying to myself, this is great. This is just great. Why they got to fuck with something? And I always felt that. And then there was something else that happened. Music, music in general. And every year, you know, you had the fucking,

I remember still having the Walkman with the power booster. I went to a store in New York, fuck. It was like, all they did was sell appliances. And I went there and they actually had the fucking power booster. So I had a power booster connected to a fucking equalizer. It could be loud as fuck. connected to like state of the art fucking speakers you know then everything changed nah we gotta put the thing in it and then they came out with the fucking ipod so me and my

walkman have to go fuck themselves right yeah all over again you know what i have in my stores i have i i have a i because i saved them i got a cassette uh walkman and i got a i got two cd disc men jesus and uh you know the when the ipod came out everyone got rid of their music collection. Remember everybody had thousands of CDs? I still got mine because I had it in storage, you know? But, you know, this is the new thing. So, like, everybody got the iPods, got it rid of their music collections.

They don't even fucking sell it. I got two iPods. They don't sell those anymore. And one of my iPods is broke. You can't take it to an Apple store and get it fixed. So, like, I mean, now everybody downloads music and shit. But, like, you know, what happened? even the iPod is outdated

like that that thing right there that speaker that's a fucking iPod charger yeah that's an iPod charger Ralphie Mae gave me that for Christmas 10 fucking years ago to charge your iPod the only reason why it's down here is because on my last

trip to Vegas I lost my fucking iPod all right I just lost it I just filled it up with songs and put the Sabbath collection UFO I had some Tony Bennett yeah I put two Sinatra out Does mine with music is the screen is broke? Where can you get a screen fixed on a iPod?

On Lancashire Boulevard. Really? Yeah, they have... Because this guy, like, my entire music collection is on this one fat iPod. It's about a hundred bucks. Oh, man. But they'll put the screen on a few hours. Right here.

Listen, those Armenians, they'll do anything. Really? On fucking North Hollywood, right next to the old Haha, they fix iPod and screens. And if not, next to... What's the Puerto Rican place on Lancasham? Up there, they got a fucking place right next door to it. They'll fix it while you wait.

Cool. That's how much they got it to a science. That whole fucking screen on the thing. But, so fucking Thursday, I'm leaving for Charlotte. I got to wake up at three in the goddamn morning. I got to leave the house at four. Get at the airport at five. I get in the car at four.

I make a protein shake with a fucking banana. I take my whatever, fucking pill. Then I take my blood pressure medication and I smoke some dope. This is my first road gig in months. In a month and a half. It's December 14. I haven't driven to L.A.

X. The first week of December. Why you take a break? Yeah. I always take a break. Fuck that. There's no reason for me to travel. I'm dirty. So in December it's kind of weird for me. So I try to just do local gigs. I don't want to get caught in the fucking snow. I don't want to be one of those assholes that people watch on TV and say, look at

those assholes stuck in an amp with them. fly. I never want to be one of those guys. I fucking hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate people who do it. I'm going home for the holidays. Good luck. Somewhere you're going to get fucked in the ass, you know? And

what are you talking about? I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm so high right now. What are you talking about? iPods, music. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it in the car. I get in the fucking car. I puke. I get car sick. I missed the exit.

I'm basically driving on the 405. Oh, this is when you went to show up it? Just last Thursday. Oh. Right. So I'm driving on the 405 and I have all the windows open. I have the air conditioner blasting. I got the music off and I got the seat like this.

I'm driving like this with my eyes closed guys. And also I'd open up and I see Century Boulevard. Like I had slept through the fucking exit. I was so fucking busy. I got off on the 105 somewhere and I made a lot. A right on the Sienica, and by the grace of God, I got back on to Century within 10 minutes. At that left, onto Century, I could feel the rumblings. I started farting.

Those really bad anxiety farts that come out of the ass. I'm driving down Century. I'm doing 90, and I'm criss-crossing. I got a DUI. I'm surprised we're still having this fucking conversation. I just didn't get out of jail. I get into the airport. There's no traffic.

I get the Terminal 4. It's American Airlines. And as I get the ticket, it just exercises. out of my mouth onto that thing. I got to pull over, finish up the pew. It's on my fucking shirt. There's a banana in the car from the fucking blender. It didn't blend all the way.

I got to take my shirt off, throw it in the fucking garbage and take a shirt out of the luggage and put that on. That's how I flew. I walked to the fucking airport. I'm barely walking in there. I'm purple. I swear to God, guys, I should have canceled. No, I didn't.

I went through security. It was quick. For the first time ever, it wasn't gate 44. which is always always at the end. It was Gate 60. The first went over when I sat there and I look up and I'm breathing. I'm taking my hood and sweatshirt shut off. I'm just breathing. I'm getting dizzy. I look over

and I see fucking sandwiches and water. And I walk over there. I don't even know how I did it. I bought the water and drank and sat down. That brought me back a little bit and then I went to get a turkey sandwich with avocado and arugula and that took me down a level and I bought it the fucking plan and I was fine.

Was it the protein check? I don't know what it was. I think it was the reefer and the fucking nicotine gum. I think it took me to a different level. You know what I'm saying? I've been having problems of medication lately. A few weeks ago, it's reefing NyQuil. That's frightening, man.

You're like, Jesus Christ, I did NyQuil and edible. Don't ever eat an edible and do NyQuil, Jack. I thought I was going to die in the mind. I'm afraid of the edibles. I had some cookies last year. It was like waiting for an illness to pass. Some of the shit, you know. I just moved to Los Angeles.

Some of this edible shit frightens me. You just can't eat a thing. Half a gummy bear, and you're like, you know. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to meet him tomorrow, too. I've got to meet him sometime. Lee might have to even go meet him. That's how busy.

You might not even have to go to it, because he can only come at 11 o'clock tomorrow. That man from force one stars bringing it in. So he'd go deep this week with Dick Syed. His dad's coming from Florida. Where's your dad? I'm from Florida. He loves the stars of death.

My cousin is a cop in Boynton Beach. There you go. Next time you get pulled over, he's got a friend in Boyton Beach. See how it works out? I had a thing happen to me. I was driving to the airport. I was in Orlando for the holidays, and when I was leaving,

I went, to get to the Orlando airport, I've been there a million times, but I came at it from a different direction. I was on this, like, turnpike thing, or this expressway. I missed my exit, and somehow I got thrown onto the Florida turnpike. And this has never happened. I'm from Orlando. I've been to the airport a million times, and I was running a little late. I mean, I had to, you know, I'd drop off this rent a car and then make it to the airport.

My flight's like at 7 a.m. So this is like already like whatever it is. 5.30, 545. I'm cutting it way too close. And I'm about to be thrown onto the Florida Turnpike heading towards Miami. So it looked like the only thing to do that was this, like, it looked like about the size of a curb and then about the width of a sidewalk. this kind of median between where this on ramp

to the off ramp that was going the opposite way and I drove over this and I had this little tiny Prius and it like it kind of got stuck on the sidewalk length was about how much it is between the tires

or whatever I'm like kind of so I really had like rocked this car and like I'm flooring the gas and then finally like it gets over and it's like smoking and you could just you could just you could hear it just that crunch bottom out I made it over the thing get into this other lane and the guy sitting there at the money collecting booth I go I go what what do you want me to pay you and he goes well you have to pay it's five from the last X I or five bucks sure

give him the five bucks made it dropped off the car and and made it to my flight in time And so that's always why you should get full coverage on the rent-a-car. Jesus Christ. So you can do shit on you for renting a fucking freeze. Had I not gotten full coverage. Those fucking tin cans, you get hit, the car blows up and shit. You die from electric shock and shit. Oh, my God.

I hate those. But we've had to go through to make it to flights to get to gigs. Sometimes it's a fucking nightmare. That's why I leave her. The first flight out always. Really? Yeah. You like those early flights?

Yeah, it gets it out of the way and I'm there. That's it. I don't have to go on the night before and waste time. I get out of LA exit 5 in the morning if I have to. That's the first flight out to most of these cities. So it gives me a jump. I get in even on the East Coast. I got at lunchtime or 1.

5 o'clock gets you there. And when I get out of L.A., when I get out of New York, I get that quarter to the 6th flight, ooh! On a Sunday, gets you back at 8.30 a.m. like a doctor. You drive up that 4.05 like you own it. You're the only one on there. You know what I'm saying? There's nobody on that.

I land at two. I got to drive another hour after I get home. I know, I'm 53. I got one foot of the grave, one of a banana peel. I think I got two hours to drive on the fucking 405. People don't get that, and they get mad when I tell them. Listen, I'm not going down. They wanted me to go down Wednesday and meet these people.

And I'm like, listen, let me tell you about my life. I leave Thursday. When I leave on Thursday, I don't go over the hill because I only got fucking three days. The baby goes to school tomorrow. So that gives me a little grace. Tomorrow and Wednesday, it's good because Monday is, I got the kid. The kid, you don't know when she's going to fall asleep. I don't know what detail my wife has to do, so I don't really have a schedule.

If it's an envelope, yeah, then we have to go pick up an envelope. But there isn't no envelope. You want to talk to me about a movie? It could wait. It could wait because I have the baby. I don't know when I'm going to see the flight. You know what I'm saying? So I just, Mondays, I chill.

I really take it easy on Mondays unless it's an audition or I got to go or something positive. absolutely, absolutely, like Federal Express. If not, I try to keep it light. So I had a few dumb things. All three of them were a waste of my fucking time. Thank God I got the work out there. You know what I'm saying? Look at you, Lisa, yeah, looking good.

Bold, your eyeballs are fucking... I'm high as fuck. Fuck, yeah. I was like, when you guys were talking about those gigs, I used to go to some of those, like, hotel gigs, and it's like, I used to love finding a new comedian. Like, I was emailing back and forth with this guy. He said he went to a midnight show,

when some of the comics weren't that good. I said, yeah, but isn't it really fun when you find a new comedian to like, like, as a comic, is it fun for you to like go around to all these places and find new good comic? Like, I used to, I love it. Yeah, definitely, but I like that you say that, like just being the fan of it and then cheering for a guy. Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm sure you as well, meet young guys,

and you know they're going to be great comedians, even if they have no self-esteem and they live in the middle of nowhere. certain people I mean and then other people develop and then it clicks for people later in life and you know you definitely make friends with comedians and you're cheering for them you know and then other people have you know

addiction hangups that they have to navigate no yeah it's I know comedians all over the world man I you know I wanted to do this show where I'm the Anthony Bourdain of comedy because I do these shows comedy all around the world so I wanted to

go around the world, check out, highlight comedy scenes, or check out comedy scenes, highlight comedians from those places, and then also see what people are making jokes about in other countries. There's all these gigs in Asia now, and I was in Hanoi last year. I went to Vietnam 20 years ago when I did Viva Vietnam for Comedy Central. I went there and did this hour special where I went all over Vietnam, and had fun for the guys.

didn't get to have fun, whatever. So it was the first time I'd been back in 20 years, and they have stand-up now. And this young comedian in Hanoi opened up for me, he's 19 years old, his all-time comedy hero is Eddie Murphy Delirious. So this guy, he's 19, he's just been on comedy for a couple months, but everything he delivers is like Eddie Murphy and Delirious, because that's his hero. You know, when you're on your scooter and your girl is on the back. and you're driving through town.

Like, you know, he's got no material. He's a young comedian, but, you know, the guy he's in Hanoi, and he's, you know, he loves comedy, loves Eddie Murphy, you know? I mean, how are you not going to fall in love with a guy like that? And cheer for him. Comedy's everywhere now. Gabriel was telling me a story about going to, you know, somewhere, where we're supposed to be at war with them.

Gabriel went somewhere, and he said the people were fucking tremendous that they were saying when you go back. to America, tell them what we're really like. Well, not these people that they portraying the media. And the one guy said, I want to be a stand-up comic. So Gabriel went and watched him do comedy. And he goes, it was fucking hysterical, you know, just to see other cultures, what the hell they're talking about.

I just worked with a kid this weekend. His last name was Patel. I worked with two really good comics. And the Patel kid was killing me. Was killing me Friday night. Talking about Muhammad and all this shit. You know, it's just great to see comics. starting out. It does something to you. And now that you're not drinking, you really connect.

Now that you see, I did a Tony Hintner's show. And I was telling Lee that that night, I saw something in their faces that guys like you and I used to have at that five year mark, that acceptance. There's a part when you get accepted as a comic, like somebody above you accepts you that just brings a different type of thrill to your soul. When somebody says, hey, come on, let's go have a drink. That's it. You're fucking. You've arrived, you know. And you're having a drink with this guy, and you ask him about talking jokes, and he offers you to take you to Minneapolis, whatever.

That's what this whole thing is really about sometimes, you know. And, yeah, you're right. Some of us have drug issues. I mean, I'm very lucky. I did not die on the road. You know, I'm very lucky. I'm very lucky. I didn't die in fucking Beaumont.

I'm lucky at it. I can relate to that sentiment, my brother. I'm lucky at it die in Houston. There was a lot of nights boy that was. fucking ugly across this country that would have been horrible to go into a hotel room to find me you know and

I'm really happy I didn't go off that way we're all gonna fucking die but we all could choose yeah I did not want to die like Jim Morrison I did not want to die like that there had to be something better for us and I'm happy it's behind us now I'm happy it's really like I did I will tell you one thing

I only slept three hours on fucking Saturday night so I get on the plane there's 23 motherfuckers on the plane I'm upgraded two times to first class you understand me then I gave me one seat

they gave me two I'm sitting there by myself I get on the plane the breakfast was phenomenal it was a French toast souffle that I had on the way there I usually don't eat French toast or take the chance

but I was already sick French toast souffle a little fucking nut with a little syrup tremendous they gave me a little fruit cup the tooth and a fucking biscuit

that was dry and in debt. I thought I was on fucking Papillon Island. Un fucking believable. American Airlines. Upgrade you. First class of biscuit was dried and dick. Okay. Papillon cracker.

Oh yeah. The fucking Papillon Cracker. What was I talking about? American Airlines. No fucking movie. But let me tell you what I had, gentlemen. I went deep. I had no reefer.

I usually had like a pillow. two of my luggage, you know what I'm saying? There's always something in my luggage. I'm one of those dudes. You look deep. There's always something. It looks like a blood pressure medication. It could be half of Xanax or something.

I looked through that luggage at the hotel. There was nothing. I was so like on the plane. I took a little nappy noon for about an hour. I heard the pilot get back on. Okay, we're back on track. We got about four hours. Four hours, no movie.

I said, fuck it. I called the lady always and said, do me a favor. Let me get two doers. No, let me get a do-ers and jails. ginger ale. What was the last time he had do as in gingerail? I could never drink scotch. Scots was I can never handle Jesus Christ. This

fucking wench comes back and she goes, I don't know if I told you, you got upgraded twice, so I'm bringing your two bottles. Oh, shit. When somebody brings you two bottles outright, you got to go, Lisa, yeah? And I sat there like a doctor and I poured the fucking scotch in first. I let the scotch

collaborate with the fucking ice cubes, you know what I'm saying? To get that boldness, bitterness away. Then I dropped the ginger ale and little increments like a Jew you know what I'm saying like a Jew in the desert just fucking I just and it bubbled up and then I gave it another minute and I put the stare

in and I took the stare at an ice cube and I ate the ice cube with just the fucking with the dudes on it you know what I'm saying not a lot of motherfuckers live like that I love the image of you doing this by yourself Oh my God like a doctor just by yourself like a doctor when I looked at my left there was nobody in those seats

so I was scratching my nuts through my jeans I was picking my nose. I was having a party over there first place. Usually got to go to your bathroom and scratch your nuts. Fuck, no. I just popped that zipper down and stuck that arm in there. If you caught me, you thought I was fingering myself. I was scratching those nuts like a doctor.

Did you undo the button on your jeans? I didn't say a couple of times. No, no, no, no. You didn't do that? No, I just opened up my zip and stuck my hand and scratched my balls. I fucking picked snots on my nose. I was over there by myself. There was one lady behind me.

She was passed out. I had those two fucking scotches, and I fucking passed out, guys. 20 minutes before the plane land, I got up, like, I was feeling fucking tremendous. Scotch ain't bad. Listen,

scotch is not bad if you drink it. Two of those motherfuckers, three. My dad used to drink rusty nails. Scotch and drabouy. Jesus fucking crazy. I'd take a little sip off the top. Just that top part was nice.

You know what, Bryce? But Scotch, I used to snorke with fucking rusty nails. That's when you're nuts. What's a rusty nail? Scotch and drambole. My dad taught me how to... From the time I was like 10 or 12,

my dad taught me how to make it for him perfectly. And so I spent my whole life making him rusty nails. Back in the day, that was my shit, rusty nails. I like for a long time I drank crown and ginger. That was always delicious. You did a couple blasts. What was your favorite drink of choice? You did a couple blasts before you went to the beer.

Because after a while, that alcohol burns right, you. So once you go, before you went to the beer. Well, back in the Coke was probably Crown and Ginger. Crown and Ginger, that's a good one. I always liked vodka and anything. Vodka was like what the supermodels drink, because it has less sugar.

And, you know, I always loved vodka. Vodka's straight on the ice, probably. I drank too much vodka as a kid to like as an adult. Well, vodka goes with anything also. With Gatorade. You can mix vodka with fucking

Gerber's baby. food. I remember drinking a quarter vodka with iced tea and then going home, passing out, getting up in the middle of the night, and there'd be iced tea in the picture. And you drink the ice tea and you want to vomit because that's what you were just drinking with the vodka. Oh, my God. I got a story for you, man.

I was in San Francisco years ago and partying all night in my hotel room. I met all these people over from the club, waitresses and comedians. And we were up drinking tons of vodka. and partying. Anyway, I woke up the next day and I was totally hung over

and I made coffee and I had, there was a cup next to the bed. I was just hung over and probably still half fucked up. I threw the cup of water in there and then I made the coffee

and, you know, a little tiny hotel coffee machine and then I took a sip and it was vodka and coffee what I made. And so I, I took the sip and I was like, oh, fuck, that's vodka that I made the coffee with.

And then so I thought to myself, wait a minute, this could be like the next peanut butter and jelly. Or Reese's peanut butter cup. Remember the old commercial guys walking with the chocolate bar in the park? He trips, goes into the girls jar of peanut butter. How sexual was that commercial, you know? So that's like how, that's how Reese's peanut butter cups were invented. So like I thought, oh, maybe I'll give this a try. So I took another sip and it is definitely not the new.

Reese's peanut. But if you put cream in that motherfucker and you could have saved it. You don't put it up. I should have done to smoke crack and you put it in the microwave oven and it don't come back?

Sure. I think when that happens. Listen, Doug, when you put like, you know, like let's say somebody comes over a gram and they want to cook it up, right? They throw some coke

and they throw some microwave in that. Normal Monday. I'm trying to teach sleep just in case. So I say you take a coffee cup, Lee, and somebody comes all with a G-Bolaroo. That's how you tell if the Coke is good. You throw it in the water. You put three fingers of water in the cup.

You throw the Coke in the water, and then you throw like a tenth or maybe two-tenths of bacon soda in. You put the microwave at 30 seconds. You put that in there. When that motherfucker goes, Bing, you take that thing out, and there'll be some particles flowing. And you take those chunks out and you let it dry. And you look at it, and that should be a gram of Coke. because if the coke was good, it should be maybe nine-tenths

if the coke was really good. If it's Fugazi Coke, you get back like five-tenths and you're piss fucking off. But there's people who could throw that back in there, they were like Udini. A couple of Puerto Ricans do it. A couple of weird people like Colombians.

They throw some bacon soda and more bacon soda and you take more back. So these guys know how to throw more bacon soda and they put it in there for like 10 seconds. Bing! They take it out and they take like an extra two-tenths back. A lot of people don't know that.

Might as well drop it. you right now on a Monday night. Where else are you going to get this kind of knowledge? Where else are you going to get this kind of knowledge? How to bring back Coke? You know what I'm saying? You never smoked a piece of Coke, Tom Rhodes, anywhere. Oh, I tried it years ago.

Fuck yeah. Houston, Texas and shit. Houston was my favorite. Houston was one of those places I should have died at. Yeah, me too. And that's even without exaggerating. I would eat like a fucking animal. I would drink like a fucking animal.

Yeah. I would sleep like an animal. I worked with you in Houston. Yeah, please, a couple times. I worked with you. I did that fucking room. I did with Headberg a lot, too. That was great.

That was when you guys brought comedy to Houston. That was when Houston people knew there was something fucking big happening here. When you had come back to do that co-headlining spot with Headberg, I still remember that. That was like, what? What are you saying? What the fuck are they saying? Headberg and this fucking guy together. Yeah, we both took less money so we could work together just because we loved hanging out.

So wait, Joey, did you open for Tom? Yeah. So how many people do you have relationships with like this? We're like 20 years later, 10 years later, you guys are friends in LA. This is what comedy is. That's crazy. You know, he could disappear for three years. He comes back.

I bump into him. I give him a hug. We talk shit. We smoke a number. We don't smoke a number. I got a lot of photos. And I got those out of storage also. And I just looked through.

I got to look back through them more deeply. But like, I got tons of photos of you. and us that week. And it's remarkable because, you know, I don't feel old, but look at those photos like, man, you and I, like, we look young. I got headshots done about a month ago. I haven't even developed them. Every time I open it, I go, Jesus Christ, what happens?

Like, what really happened? And lately I've been doing the math on my friends, you know, some of these guys. I talk to a girl, I'll tell you that legitimately. I know 40 years. when you know somebody 40 years, you're fucking old, Jack. You're fucking old, okay? You know, I mean, that's it.

This is it. This is it, you know? And like I said a thousand times, like I loved growing up in Jersey. I loved my neighborhood. I loved those people. I loved where I grew up as conjunction of New York City.

I was able to just take a bus and be in the city at eight minutes. That doesn't exist no more. The traffic is fucking quadruple since then. But I always thought, Like I said, you know, I always thought that one day. I would close my eyes and go back to North Berger and everything would be the way it was.

All my friends would still be at the bar, snort and blow, listen to Bruce Springsteen, you know, whatever. And that doesn't even exist. That doesn't even exist. These guys are Christians or whatever the fuck I do now. And my one buddy works at UPS. And, you know, it's dead. Like, that's it.

This is it. We're in the final fucking countdown, Tom Broads. And we love it. I love it. How do I feel? I feel like I'm fucking dirty. Yeah. Because I'm living how a 30-year-old should live.

You know, I'm trying to live, drink a lot of water, get sleep, no drugs, a little bit of reefer. You know, that's the fucking recipe. What else? Rifa, some fish. Shoot that fucking sperm out of your helmet twice, three times a week. You're a fucking man. Sounds like we're on the same diet. Yeah.

All you need to do is give blood once a month, like a ounce or like 16 ounces. You give blood once a month. You're a fucking new man. Once every two months. Your heart makes that new fucking blood. Your stomach gets harder. You get that old brown blood out of your helmet? You get blood once a month?

I try. I go down to the doctor's office and I make up some bogus excuse. I'm getting dizzy. So they take blood out of my fucking arm. You know what I'm saying? Four ounces, whatever the fuck they take. But that makes your body make new blood, you know? Something.

Some water, some garlic. Bam! You got a whole new dose of fucking blood. You know what I'm saying? You're a vampire is fucking fine. I feel like you just made. all that up. I think I did it. But it works for me in my head.

Somebody once told me that that's why women don't die heart attacks because they bleed once a month. And it makes a lot of sense. Is that true? Well, that's why women don't... How many women you know who fucking punch a ticket while they're fucking roller skating, a shoveling snow? Not too

many. Guys always die shoveling snow and fucking waking up and putting their shoes on and shit. Why do I think I don't put my shoes on the morning no more. I have mercy to do it. I give like a dollar in a little bank account. I'll put my shoes on that's bad luck. You got to find somebody to put your shoes

on. That's success. Anybody. Anybody. I haven't been to him. That's great. That's fantastic. You know, Charlie Chaplin never wore the same pair of socks twice after he got famous because he was so poor when he was a kid he never wanted to wear the same pair of socks twice.

That was his thing. That's the 15th tip me. He just dropped on me, Doug. I'm not to go. That's cool. I think so, like, real success would be having somebody

put your shoes on for you. Can you imagine that? Just sitting back everything. That's emperor of shit. And bring in the balance and they put your shoes on. They cut your toenails first,

put cream on your feet, then put your socks on, make sure the top is all tight. You know, you always fuck up and leave the top rolled over. They make sure they rub your caffeine, and you loosen up the blood

that they put the shoe in for you. That's success. You understand? That's what I need. Somebody to do that. Roll joints. You know what I'm saying? Don't talk much.

You don't know the language, something, you know. That's all. You can't find somebody white to rub your calves and put your shoes on. Who do you think would be the best at it?

It had to be somebody from another country, somebody who would be cool. Like somebody who would be knowledgeable, maybe he was on the run for murdering somebody, Bulgaria, something. He wants to come here and rub people's feet.

I don't fucking know Lee. You know what I'm saying? Why are you putting me on the spot? Like I'm Trump or something like that. That would be like the least worst thing you said Like you think someone's gonna be a good joint role That's not bad for you Talk somebody somewhere has a joint role

A snoop dog Fuck yeah I heard years ago Who was it A friend of mine told me And this was Jesus I don't 30 years ago

It's got to be total or shit They said that was it Kevin Costner Or one of those actors had Or no maybe it was Shit Don't throw nobody on the bus unless you know for sure, okay. Kevin Kosser's got a turn.

Oh, what's his name? The guy, Hans Solo. What's it? Lee, hooked me up here. Harrison Ford. Right. Harrison Ford, Kevin Kosser, one of those guys like that. It's a friend of mine, yeah.

And the friend who told me was non-show business person, so I don't even know how he would know. But it just seems cool. He said that he had a joint roller, and that was the guy's job, that just to make sure that he always had a joint ready, and the dude's name was Sloan. So whenever he wanted to join, he would say, Sloan!

So like, I heard that like fucking 30 years ago. It might not even be true. No, I know for a fact that the pharmacy in Hollywood, 10, 15 years ago, when this whole wheat thing, they would close at 7.30. And somebody why asked him, why don't you close at 7.30? He goes, because at 7.30 is when Harrison Ford were coming with Clistaflox. and they would cop weed down there. I don't even know if the pharmacy is still around.

No one of them closed. There was one in Venice. That was the hot spot for wheat. You know how much I was dropping in there a month, guys? How much? Wow. I put $4,800 on the credit card in there one month. My wife...

What the fuck are you buying? Almost drew me out of the house. How do you explain it? What did you get? And you forgot diapers on the way home? You know, I was buying... I was shooting something, and I was bringing the shit on the set. for people, you know, I was fucking going on the road

and taking it with me. You know, this is when lollipops were $15 a fucking piece. I'd buy 10 fucking lollipops to go to Houston, you know. I'd walk out of there with two bags, two fucking bags. This is before the podcast era. This is the truth. I'm not kidding you. I remember my wife sitting me down and going,

yo, you put $40,000 on a fucking card. And weed charges, are you fucking crazy? I think that's like a hundred and twenty a day right around there I was going in there some days and dropping 220 300 200 I was they had everything Lee ice cream cakes

they had fucking everything Have you tried the pizza at sunset Whatever? No you didn't get it but I saw it I read pizza yeah it's I brought it home one night I don't know what happened man I fell asleep but I must have 2,000 other edibles in my bloodstream so Because it's apparently like, I think it's like $2.50.

And she said it was like you didn't even taste the weed. So I was thinking about it, but I didn't know if you had it or not. Unless you're going to sprinkle some more weed on that motherfucker. To double check it. Put some mozzarella on that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Let me do some shoutouts. And we'll get the fucking underlay out of here.

Chaz DeMoro. Bob Lalingis. Bobby Sharon. Anthony Kelly. Rob Bradley, Brian, Austin. I don't know. Paul Island, Lauren Rosinker, and Oz Warrior. I love your cocksuckers.

Tom Rhodes in the house. Talking about our Houston cocaine craziness days. You were, like, when I started, you were like fucking booming already. Like, when I started traveling, you were already booming. And then in 95, you came to Seattle, and I was doing, like,

a gig, and I was, you did a gig with, like, Janine Garofalo and two other people. It was, like, a four comic show or something like that. You still had the long hair. And then when I first moved to LA in 97, 98, I saw you at the improv one night. You were holding onto the wall. The show had just been canceled, maybe two or three weeks prior. You were a gentleman, you know, and then you took off. You said, fuck it, I'm getting the fuck out of you. You did all your travels. Then I bumped into you in Houston when you had the show. And you had the footage of you and the singer from fucking,

and uh... Dan, dan, dan, da, da, da, da, da, whatever the fuck. Radar love and all that stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and I had the late-night talk show in Amsterdam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All this shit, I still remember. I mean, you know, you're the real fucking deal, man.

Yeah, it's great because I left L.A. You're the real, bro. Yeah, thanks, brother. You're the real fucking. No, we've always, you know, been tight. It's amazing how you, you know, you do this long enough, and you see these guys, and you look at them, and you go, you know, I was watching it,

story on that. And you're a fucking monster. You're a fucking monster. I look at you and I go, yeah, 20 years plus. You just navigate and you take them into weird places. You set yourself up. If you were jih Tzu guy, you'd like guys get on top. You can grab my

neck. Grab my neck. Harder, harder. What did you just do, mister? I told you to grab my neck. You know, there's some comedians who we, you're the king of that. It's like you said, the lights got off. So what? Who gives a fuck? We got no lights.

You got ears? Come on. Let's go. Let's do this show. That's what a true comic does. You know, like you said, listen, let me tell you something. If it's just me and Terry right now,

that little girl wasn't there, I'd be out constantly. I'd do this podcast Sunday and Monday, and I'd be on a plane Wednesday morning. That's it. I'd be out there, banging it out, going to places leave that. Most people wouldn't go to.

There's a club now, whether it's Toledo, You go to Maine, you go some place in Michigan, you know, in Milwaukee. You go to these places and you always know one person. A week before you get there, somebody hits you up on Facebook. Hey, man, you remember me from the store? I came back, my sister got hit by a car and had to come back and take care of the shoe store. You know, whatever.

You have no idea, Lee. Lee, you have no idea the people who will come out and see you that you look at and you go, wow. I used to fucking drink with you at the store. You were a kid. What happened? Because most of these people disappear one day overnight. And your mind is so, you know, focused on comedy that your mind doesn't even register until they hit you up on MySpace or Facebook and Twitter and go, hey, you're coming to Chicago.

I'm going to come into the second show. What happened to you? Somebody called me in Charlotte, who I've known since 1980. I robbed the sandwich store. In 1983, the inn and outhouse in Aspen, Colorado. It was across the street from the hotel. I went on them sitting there, broke in this hotel living in.

I'm like, fuck, I never robbed the sandwich store. That's the only chicken curry I ever ate, Lisa. He had a chicken curry on my bread, like multi-grained bread. So what you were like? Empty the register. Make me a curry. No, no, no. They were gone.

I just kicked the door. In those days in Aspen, nobody had an alarm. Nobody did nothing wrong. There was no camera. There was no burglar alarms. If you wanted something, you just kicked the door down. I mean, once a year, there'd be these burglaries, and you go, there was no alarm. But there was nothing like this.

Nobody was dirty like me. And one day, I'm just sitting in this hotel. I'm like, fucking, I'm robbing this sandwich gun. And I kicked the door down. I probably got them for 600. And I got him, like, a few sandwiches or some shit. You know me. You got to take something to go.

And the next day, the owner knew. The owner knew. You didn't not wait around and make a sandwich. No, I think I took it. He knew it was you. And he followed the sesame seeds. No, they suspected it. I had just come into the area.

And all of a sudden they got burglarized. But Steve stayed my friend. And his one, listen to his story. He was the house. At one time when I met him in 83, he was the house of a for a Clingin, Lungette. She shot her husband or something

and then she married Paul Williams or something like that. Some fucking crazy story. His girlfriend was the house sitter. In Aspen, everybody has a house sitter. You know how people he had nannies in the 80s. In Aspen, you had a house sitter. I don't know what those do. What do you do the house sitter?

Nothing. Like when I house sat, I had to do 24 hours of work a month. That's six hours of work a week. So that means either I mull the lawn or I shovel snow. Any other maintenance, he had to pay me. but he left his truck there his house was to me and a house sitter had the house in the back

or next to over the garage you have like one bedroom apartment and you can have a day job and a night job and not pay rent and just do six hours a week of work there so on Saturday you have to mow the lawn

trim the hedges you know clean up the rocks you know and on fucking when it snows you have to shovel that's it that's all I do did. But I wasn't allowed to drive the car. I drove the car. He said you were allowed to go in the house and fuck with shit. I moved into the house. You know me, Doug. I moved into the house. I was in the jacuzzi. I had a way and cocaine room. I had a coke room. I had a room where I put victims while they

sat there and waited for the blow. You should have seen me. I was sitting people down and calling them into the other room. It was craziness, another than Aspen in 83. My friend Jimmy Burkle was the original. God bless his soul. He's fucking dead as disco. I love him and I miss him. Sorry about this, this belt. And he fucking called me.

I was living in San Francisco about to get arrested. About to get arrested. Okay, we had to go on the run and go to Reno. I'm one of those buses, $15 a day and they give you $15 and quarters when you get to the hotel there. So I'm in Reno. And in Reno, I checked,

I had like an answering service. And they're like, you have three messages. And I call the answer service and like, yeah, Jimmy Burke was set to call him. And I called him. And he was like, listen, man, I knocked up my wife. And I got this house sitting job. I need for you to take it. You said you were coming up here.

I'm like, are you fucking serious? That was like music to my ears. That's no rent. That's no rent. In fucking Snowmass Village. I get there. There's a car. There's a house.

He's like, you can't go in the house. As I'm talking to him, I'm like, I can't. going to house. Oh, I fucking get him. That house is mine. That's mine. The guy only comes one week a year. He had ten of these all around the world.

This was one of his houses. In the year and a half, I lived there. His daughters came out to ski one time for three days and left $1,000 worth of booze. It was spoiled kids. Her father was one of the originators of the one food chain. This was one of his many. He used to talk to him on the phone

from all over the world because I had a call before I spent money on the house so I would call an answering service and he would call me back like two days later how are you doing

I'm in Finland you know what I'm saying that's not like a great gig but the gig sometimes you have to live on property with them that sucks it's good but it sucks

but sometimes they're not there and they just it's a right off of them to have this house there. Jennifer Anderson has houses everywhere. And it just doesn't go to them? No. She fucking furnishes

them and puts somebody in there to watch them so nobody burglarizes those fucking houses and somebody lives in there. You don't even know. They don't even know they're living in Jennifer Anderson's houses. They don't even know. They probably get hired through a service that does a background check and there's what they do for a fucking living.

How do you like them there, apples? Cocklicker. What do you think about that, dog? What do you think you'd do? I think that, you know, why have a one-house dream, you know? TGIF restaurants. Oh, that's what the guy owned. His name was Dick Self. Dick!

Dick! And my buddy Jimmy Burke would call me Dick. He's still working for Dick. You ever do, Dick Kelly? Dick Dune. You ever do Brad Garrett's Comedy Club in Vegas? Never. In the dressing room, he's got it framed.

It's this spiral notebook that he was a waiter at TGI. Fridays. And when you're away, my brother was a waiter at TGI Fridays. You know, they really make you learn the menu inside and now. They make you got to like take a test before you're like a bartender or a waiter there. So Brad Garrett has it framed to remind him, you know, how good he has it as being a comedian that, you know, at least he's not a fucking waiter at a TGI. Rite. It's like it's, it's right before you go out to go backstage to go on stage. It's like the last thing you see. I love that, that he's got his framed, TGI Friday's waiter notebook framed. You always have to have a reminder to let you know how lucky it is.

I really believe that. Yeah. I really do. I have one every fucking day. Like, I have a reminder. Jesus fucking Christ. You know, I was having, that whole puke episode that I had the other day was the main cause of it was anxiety. Don't believe that I, it was anxiety.

I had to leave my family. I haven't done it in six weeks. You know, it's not that I got lazy. I still go banging out every night like a fucking soldier of death. It's a new adventure. I didn't know what to expect. And it turned out to be beautiful. I had a great time.

The city of Charlotte was fucking great. The club was phenomenal. The people were great. The crowds were great. The staff. The food was great. Where did you play, the Comedy Zone? The Comedy Zone.

Let me tell you something. They got a Mexican restaurant upstairs, dog. And I'm not talking about no hip-hopes-mogoo. I'm not talking about these motherfuckers are related to a music-hop. Hip-Hopps is. Yeah. I'm talking about these motherfuckers are related to chopo okay these motherfuckers could cook Lisa yeah every time every taco I ate I thought about you

opening night I had two chorizo tacos who makes chorizo tacos out of the fucking range on flower tortillas it was delicious okay I kept it light that's what I have for dinner I flew in I didn't eat anything else I didn't touch the rice I didn't touch the beans okay the next day I went back there and the driver said you have to have the shrimp tacos have the carnita tacos and have the chicharon tacos. Was the shrimp grilled or fried? Dog, it was mixed in this red sauce with onions. Nothing like this.

These people are schmucks. These people here get a tortilla. They put some onions. They put three shrimp caught in the bay. Those little fucking bay shrimps. And they get those little fucking bay shrimps. And they give you some sauce. It's garbage.

Yeah, I don't like those. I like fried ones. This was fucking. fucking sensational. I'll tell you how real they were. The chicharon tacos weren't the hard ones. It was the ones mixed in sauce. They taste like a pig skin.

That's what it's like. It's like boiled pigs in. When they give you that, you know they're fucking real. The best thing they had was the carnitas. I mean, the pork tacos. And you know, I don't eat pork. You know, I don't eat pork. I'm not Muslim.

I just don't eat pork on the road. I got to know where this pig came. from okay I gotta know where this pig came from I'm not Muslim but I don't need pork on the yeah I don't I don't need pork on the run I swear to God I've been into that taco it was so fucking delicious I ordered two to go that's how much of an animal I am and I took I didn't even make it to the hotel I ate him in the car with the fucking driver that's how stone that was Friday night what about the place you you went to this other place right this Asian place like this bowl place I thought you were telling me about it what was spaghetti

Spaghetti place. Spaghetti place. That was delicious. Isn't that great too? Like traveling around the country, like cities all over America. Jesus Christ. I got favorite food spots. I hit. I was in Fort Worth last weekend. The Flying Fish, it's this old place that's been there

forever. And they do this red snapper Vera Cruz. Every time I go to Fort Worth, I go it's this entire fish. It's got this tomato onion, thick, chunk sauce on top of it.

Let me ask you. You mentioned them, so let me mention it to you. Anthony Bourdain, when you see that show, no, you want to put a gun in your head and shoot yourself, that was you.

That's what you did for the last 20 years. Yeah, well, I still want to do that. I want to make that show, but with comedy. That's what you did. I got comedian friends all over the world, and comedy's hot all over the world. I can still make that show.

I made a lot of short videos. I have them on YouTube. I made a, like, travel clips and trying to make a comedy travel show. web series that you could do. And I guarantee the first season, you will get picked up by somebody. If you do this correctly. I'm still trying to make that show.

11 minute snippets and put out one a week in your fucking travels. I got some on YouTube. I got Malaysia. I got Ireland. I got Hanoi, Vietnam. I got Cambodia. I've made some nice clips. You got all of these after the marriage.

You had to have some footage before the marriage and shit of the real top road. waking up on the floor with no shirt on and Bisbee fucking whatever the stand of hope compound the next day you're in Vegas right because that's what this whole thing we were talking about

in the beginning that people really don't know when you're out there we're out there some days you wake up on a beautiful fucking bed with a curtain and the room smells like Louis the lilac you know what I'm saying

who's Louis the lilac I don't know but yeah I think he had very comfortable vetting. And some days you wake up on a couch. That was the part about the road that most Gentiles, most people, never understand when you explain

to somebody about your life. And they're like, so tell us about what you do. And you're like Tuesday night. I was in Charleston, South Carolina. Really? It was the hotel nice hotel lady? That club has the... What was the club in Cleveland that had the fucking sleeping

in the back of it? No, that was in Akron. Kyle Gawalls. Tell Lisa, yeah, that the fucking beer guy would come. You'd be sleeping on a cop. And the beer guy would have to push you over. They lock you in a night.

You stayed, they had like an old warehouse storage space in the back that had been converted to apartments for the comedians. What did you do as you walk in with your suitcase, all excited? I knew for, I was never going to perform there because I can't do coke in the dark.

I would lose too much of it. Oh, I got a story for you. Oh, yeah. I got a great story from when I played there. Wouldn't they lock you in? Yeah, well, I was there in February, and it was big snow drifts and massive snowstorms. So me and the other comedian were snowed in for the week. So it was like being in jail.

It was like being in jail. They had a metal door in the back of the club. They would unlock it when the owner and the waitresses got to the club. You could hear them unlock that metal door, and it felt like being in jail. It's like, oh, now we can go into the club, like at seven or whatever. So there was no windows. It's really dark in there. This is, Jesus, I don't even remember what year this was, but it was just, I was the feature act.

The headliner was this guy from Indianapolis, and he was like a portly, bald, pervert guy. Remember the USA Network? This is like, I think, the early 90s. Maybe in 1989, something like that. The USA Network on cable in the afternoon, they had this teen dance party USA show. I don't know if you remember that. So it was like somewhere like Texas or Mexico,

all these like little teenage kids in bathing suits and bikinis, it was a dance show for like an hour. And like, you know, so this guy just... It was like little teenage kids just dancing on a beach with bathing suits on. So, you know, it was a show for kids, for like two-day. No one ever, everybody, we know that.

So this, this, this, this, this, this, this, portly pervert guy that I'm working with, he's watching it every day. And they're like, they would do like a marathon of them, like three or four episodes back to back. So all afternoon, this guy is just sitting here watching these things. And, you know, we might have been smoking a little pot or who knows what. I mean, I'm probably 20 years old.

And he turns to me one day and he says, want to watch me, want to watch videos of me fucking my wife? What? And I say, who wouldn't so he gets his video camera he gets his video camera and he like he puts the wires onto the back of the TV and he puts on this this this video and it's he's like this fat bald guy and his wife was like portly and on a tree it was the last two people in the world you would ever want to see with their clothes off and I think I lasted about two minutes three minutes and And then I just went, you know, I'm going to go read. I went into my little room, and then I still had to stay with this guy for like three days. He showed, it was like, it was really uncomfortable.

And I was like, man, he knows what else. I went to a guy one time. This had to be 98, 99. This guy was infatuated with Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez had just released that album, and he would play it in. his room over and over and over and over and over and he would dance and he had pictures of it this was a grown man guys this was not a 21 year old all right so I had to be maybe 38 he was maybe 42 he had lived in LA for 10 years didn't do so well and

moved back to his hometown and for four days I had to work Opasso with him he didn't do drugs. So I had to go in my bedroom and bring broads in there late night and shit. And all he did was listen to Jennifer Lopez. He was a grown man with a wife and kids. Wow. And it was something you couldn't even talk to him. Right away, Jennifer Lopez is hot, man. You have any idea how I can meet Jennifer Lopez? I mean, it was that fucking creepy like, I've never seen him again.

And that's what you work with in those other clubs. You work with lunatics. You work with guys that came out here and something happened. There's a story. And now they're mad at L.A. People who live in L.A. suck dick. If you live in New York, you suck dick. You know, it's just, and it's a nightmare.

Each of them have a fucking thing. So you got to deal with it. The best ever was El Paso. Some of my best stories had to be El Paso that I've forgotten. Like the Angel Sowers all weeks. And it was just craziness, Lisa. Remember, you could go over to Juarez was great. Man, I had some great party nights in Juarez.

One time, I got scared, and I never went. Really? Yeah, one time. The first time I went, I went over there. They're selling leathers and dogs on the street and shit. No, no, no. I had some good nights. Oh, you could buy pills and shit and bring them over?

No, no, no. I came back, like, I was three, four in the morning. The border control guy, I said, I go, I go ahead. It wasn't as dangerous as everybody says or you hear about. And the Border Patrol guy goes, you got lucky. I guess, I don't know. Maybe I did get lucky.

No, I was scared enough in El Paso. But one time I worked El Paso with a hypnotist, and this is my best fucking comedy story. All those years that I remember, I still remember waking up New Year's Day, the Millennium, 2 YK.K. Yeah. He was done. Is that it?

2.000. 2000, yeah. 2000. And I worked with him, but he was a drunk. People didn't go out that night on New Year's Eve. Remember, they were afraid. I was in San Francisco. We had 60 people.

Yeah. The bar was pissed. Everyone was afraid the world was going to explode because the number was going to roll to three zeros. Oh, my God. This guy comes in, and he, you know, he's drinking like a special scotch. the one that comes in a bag when that's part of his deal Kram Royal?

Yeah, maybe it's in a Kramurlame oil comes in a bag. It's bourbon. Yeah, it comes in a bag and there was something else he's drinking and he's just driving him crazy. He's smoking, he snort and blow.

You know, this guy's on fucking fire, right? Okay. So I wake up New Year's Day I'm a little... No, I don't get high on New Year's. I usually don't get high on New Year's, which is bad luck. So I get up New Year's Eve,

and I see that he's already got... He's doing a kid show. All right? But the kid show starts at noon. It's 8.30. He's already got a half a gallon of wine next to him. Oh, ha ha! He's already got...

You got blue apron over there, Tazan? You're sitting there like a fucking bumpy. You see I'm over here confused. That's it. What's this? You got one page for your Uncle Joey. He's sitting there at fucking 8.30 guys with a tuxedo shirt on with suspenders, no pants on, boxer shorts, black party socks, and fucking shoes on with no fucking pants.

Just sitting there smoking a joint, chasing it with a cigarette. He's got a little bit of... Get ready for the kids. Getting ready for the kids, dog. He fucking decides to go in there. just eats the I don't know what's

my fault no don't worry about it he just eats a bag of dicks but he's getting Bart mad because before the show he's drinking those fucking shots he's already bombed he's already bombed

he's already bummed he's been up all night when he tells me he's walking to the thing I go you know what I'm gonna walk down there with you because I got to see this it don't take a genius to know

this is going to be a train wreck I walked him down there skipping down the fucking hill like nothing happened When we go in there, there's kids everywhere, he goes right to the bar. I'm like, give him a shot. You know, you know me. We might as well buy him a shot.

Bart sees this magician, whatever the fuck he is, hypnotist drinking. He's going nuts. He's pacing back and forth. He does two or three shots before he goes on stage. He goes on stage. Sure enough, he brings a kid up, and the kid looks at him midway, and he goes, you stink.

The kid tells him, he stunk. You stunk like booze, man. And he don't know what to do. The pigeons disappear. Bart's going nuts In the back Oh, I'm going to cry in the shit.

You just set up, and just watched it? Listen, you have to. If you didn't know this is going to be a fucking train wreck, but here's the best. Now he's frustrated. He's at the bar.

The turnout wasn't good because he got like a door deal. Nobody's happy The kids are crying Bart's crying The guy's crying The kids are crying Oh my God

I'm fucking howling at the bar Now to make things worse What do you think this fucking magician Hits slashing it's his dog He calls their mom's guns He gets a dog How can this get any worse He pulls his dick out

What is it double what happens? He orders a double and he lights another cigarette. On stage in front of the kids? No, at the bar. There's still kids. They're crying.

Kids want their money back and shit. He goes, let me get a double. And he sparks up a cigarette. And he's at the bar. He's jiggling the ice cream. I know this is going to get it. And listen, when the kid came up to him and asked him for an autograph. I forget what it was.

I saw Bart's face. get fucking red because he just took the he took the cigarette and put it in his mouth and took the picture with the kid and he was like

and Lee that's the beauty of the road that you get to see shit like that and that's like something that you'll think about your last 10 minutes on this earth like that vision should come

to you or that going doing that like I've never laughed that hard seeing that evolve in front of me. There was 10 more that I probably forgot. So many scenes in your life as a comedian, you think, if you saw this in a movie, you think there's no way that would happen, you know?

I was torn a car from Seattle to Samford. I have questions already, but I let's go. I'm towing a car from Seattle to Los Angeles. But the deal is we're driving the trailer and the car is in a hitch behind us. this. Okay? The girl I'm with, I say, drop me off on an open mic in San Francisco

and come back and pick me up in 15, 20 minutes. I do this and I come out. I call her and she's going around the turn. I see the back of the fucking the back of the trailer just fall. And she's

still driving, but the car goes, poof, and the trailer broke, the whole fucking thing. So we had to get it welded. So we had a ticket. some shady neighborhood overnight, and we had to sleep in the trailer with the car in the back. Listen, guys, at 3 in the morning, an open mic started right outside the trailer. As pissed as I was, I was fucking howling.

She even woke up and said, well, what the fuck are you laughing about you should be out there saying something? I go, listen to what they're doing. They were playing the guitar. They were smoking dope. And I remember howling to myself, nobody would ever believe this, that these people wouldn't play this guitar. anywhere else right now, but outside this fucking trailer right now. This is the shit that, I don't know.

Do you travel the... Who the fuck knows? No, I'd like to eventually, but not right now. If we fucking get the big time, then when you go on the road every weekend, get your drugs. Oh, no, no, not like that. Yeah, no, what are you going to go out to do, sleep in hotel rooms, and get room service, what are you, 10?

If you go out, it's to go deep into the hemisphere. Hell yeah. Four nights a week, drinking, passing out, bleeding out of your... asshole. Tell them. Tell them, dog. Tell them. I never bled out of my ass. Well, you bled out of the fucking places. Anyway, let's give a shout out to the sponsors. Get the fuck out of here, Tommy

Rood. It's late. People got shit to do when people see. I love you so much, Joey. No, I'm happy you can do it to them. I'm very happy, man. Okay, so you can admit that the last thing anybody wants to do after work is wait in line at a grocery store, schlep home, and cook a complicated meal. It's expensive,

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Fresh, cocksuckers. Who's that? You know who it is. Anyway, where are you at in the next couple weeks? I'm in California. I'm in Sacramento next week. At the punchline? At the punchline.

And then I think it's the 15th. There's something I'm doing Arcada. Have you ever done Arcada up in Humboldt County? It's where Humboldt State is. Okay. Fantastic place up there. Is that a club? It's called Jambalaya.

Okay. I think it's the 15th. Then I'm doing Mill Valley, the Throck Morton, on the Tuesday. This is just next week. And then the San Francisco punchline after that. You're fucking beautiful. I'm California for February. Really?

Yeah. And then where are you going to march? Tacoma, Washington, the Tacoma Comedy Club. You ever done that? That place is supposed to be fantastic. I got Orrence in Seattle. Yeah. And then I'm doing Scottsdale, Arizona.

in March also. You're a fucking animal dog. It's a blessing. It's what we do. It's a blessing. You're still out there. You know, you look good, you're healthy. You're married.

Sometimes, this is the thing about life. Sometimes what you thought turns into something else, and that's what makes it life. If it was as easy as you thought it was going to be, like some guy, I'm going to marry a nurse and grow up and have 10 kids. You know, you married some fucking Chinese chick. You end up in fucking Southeast Asia taking me. pictures of young kids with what I was a headshot.

You know, fuck. No, but it's good like, you know, I watch you and it's just, you know, you just keep getting better. It's just like, this is what we do. You're a wrecking ball now, you know? It's beautiful to see, like, you know, I just turned 49 last week, you know? You're just a couple of years older than me, just to like be hitting our peak in our 50s. If you would, again, Lee and I say this, that I would be out there working when I was 53

on the road, I tell you were crazy. I mean, like, I've never been better, you know. I'm really, I'm really excited. I'm working on my new hour for my next special, you know. It's just, it's just fun and exciting again. I love it. I mean, it's always been fun and exciting, but like, I feel like it's never been better, you know, and I watch you. And it's like, yeah, man, like Carlin, you know, at the end, that was his best work that he ever did in his life.

It's like last five specials. Right. Now, there's so many great, and I know you guys are sick of hearing it, but there's so many great comedians working that aren't in the rotation, which means they aren't the it comedians. You know, they moved back to New York, whatever happened. And these are the guys that Lee would go catch and go, who the fuck is that guy?

Yeah. And he would have like a Tonight Show credit or some suspicious credit, but it didn't matter. The guy was a great comic. He just didn't go down the right road or go to the right club. Just something must have happened. There's a thousand of those guys across the country that have a day job that said, you know what?

That shit wasn't for me. I'm blue collar. I want to work every day. I don't want people to tell me what the fuck they do. And, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, and they're still great comedians. You can't take it away for them. We go watch the people who are hip and who's in the circle, you know, all that shit.

Because that's what we do. You know, I would do the same thing. When I go to a list and I see a comic that's got to eat, I sit in them. the fuck. What the fuck? That's what it's all about. Jim, you got to be aware of what's going on your business. You got to be aware of what's going on. So now I enjoy it. When I was out there

pimping, doing drugs, I never went to comedy shows. Did you know that? When I was out there slinging dick, I never thought about sitting there for two hours. Fuck you. I got a package of blow my pocket. I ain't sitting nowhere for two hours. Unless you're naked, beat me down with a pogo stick. Let's wrap this

motherfucker up. I'm going to be at the helium in St. Louis Thursday through Saturday and then on the 19th and the 20th at the South Point comedy for my birthday on the 19th I'll be 53. Lee Syatt's coming. My man Larry is coming.

Tolkien Lear's coming. Esther Coos coming on the drums. And that's it. That's all I got to tell you, motherfuckers as usual. Always a fucking pleasure seeing you. Jesus fucking Christ. Unbelievable. I used to watch you on MTV when I first started and go, wow.

Look at him. You fucking with the long hand. looking all fucking cool. And that's it. Lisa, yeah. What's happening in your world, Cocksmoker? I'm doing great.

I'm doing life in neutral. It's a new podcast. It's been, like, four episodes. You and John Rock. Yeah, me and John Rockets. It's going great. You're looking good.

You're going to kettlebells tomorrow? If I can, yeah. Yeah, all right. I'll call you tomorrow and we'll forget this out. Fuck, yeah. You're looking beautiful, Coxsuck. Thanks for a co-hosting this bitch tonight. It was fun.

You'll put a little music on at the end? I sure, but can I. Yeah. Put a little music for us. Maybe a little fucking wheels of confusion by Black Sabbath or something like that. Set him off in the right state of mind, Lisa. I just heard that one last night. I'm like, this is a fucking gruey goddamn song.

We'll continue this on my podcast. Yeah. Absolutely. Do you want to? So I can turn off YouTube if you want to for the song? Jesus Christ. I don't worry about it. Let's just go.

Okay. I'll see you guys tomorrow, guys. Thank you. Stay Black. This show was brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron.

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