The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #353 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Dick Syatt

Episode Date: February 4, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio with a visit from Lee's Dad, Dick Syatt. This podcast is brought to you by:   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey to start your free trial today Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.   Recorded live on 02/03/2016.


This podcast is brought to you by NatureBox. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking smarter with Naturebox. And start stacking confidently with NatureBox. Visit Naturebox.com slash Joey to get 50% off of your first box now. That's head to naturebox.com slash Joey right now to get 50% off your first box. Show is also brought to you by Headspace. Go to Headspace.com right now and download the free app and begin their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey.

That's headspace.com slash joey. And the show is brought to you by onet.com. Go to on it.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like alpha brain and new mood. What's the story? I'm here. I'm here. I'm high as fuck. That's what we're supposed to do.

It's a beautiful Wednesday, February 3rd. It's fucked up when you were talking about meditation. you know Lee and uh this shit started with me like in 1990 okay I didn't know what depression was I had heard about depression but now

thinking about what America is this I don't know if this even was depression this is maybe a form of unhappiness you know what I'm saying so what how old are you in 1990 1990 I'm fucking 28 years old or some shit okay three and seven

I'm 27 years old. I'm married. I got a kid. I'm roofing. I'm making an okay living. I'm busting my ass. I was flat roofing during the week. What's happening? Ballasted where you go up on a roof and you tear 40 squares off

and then you put insulation and then you put rubber and then you put ballasted, which is rocks. Then you flash it. You come back and flash it. Every three days, you go back and flash it in the afternoon, you know, which is tighten up all the seals around the pipes and the air conditioning. Oh, okay. And all that shit. But for the most part, we were a four-man crew, five-man crew that was doing fucking 40 squares.

Two hot roofs on that roof since 1920 plus an additional wooden roof. I mean, it was crazy. We cut through it and then fucking pull it off and then lay down the insulation, lay down some other shit down there, then lay down the rubber. and then ballast it. Okay. So why didn't you just lay it on top of all the other stuff? All the other roofs over there.

The roof underneath was faulty. So you don't want to put good shit on top of bad shit. They wanted you to re-roof the fucking thing. It had been there for 50 fucking years. The roof was an old building. The building was in great shape. But, you know, something was fucking missing. Something was missing.

For the first time my life, my head had hit, a wall. 27, 28, my head had hit a wall. I didn't know what to do. So it's funny that you bring up meditate. And that summer, I did everything. I went back to the Catholic Church. I signed up for confirmation class.

At the age of 30, I'm in confirmation class with a bunch of 13, 12-year-olds. So you didn't do that when you were 13? No, they drew us out because of lubs. Loebbs asked the priest if it was a bunch of people. North Bergen, they let you out at 1 o'clock on Friday. And you had two choices. Either you stayed in school or you went to fucking Catholicism.

C-CD or something, right? C-CD. Guess what? Even the Jews signed up. They get the fuck out of there. Hell, yeah. Two hours of fucking Catholic shit just to learn with the enemies thinking. That's when Jews thought, right.

And so they all were like Bill Belichick. They all went over to- They were spying on the Catholics? Sure, they went over to the Catholics just to see what these cock-suckers are thinking. It's been 2,000 years since we stabbed Jesus. We might have to get back to the fucking party. So even now, right here in Studio City, the daycare where my wife was thinking of taking the baby, there's a lot of Jewish kids and it's a Christian school because the daycare is so good.

There's a waiting list. They, you know, who gives a fuck? They probably got them in the back finger banging them taking pictures and shits and pictures to Vegas or some shit. And we don't even know it. You got to be careful. But anyway, just I was fucking unhappily. I didn't know what the fuck. do what do you mean I'm happy because it's it's funny that I had a conversation like this today so

like what do you when you say unhappy it's not like you're sad it's not like you're sad but whatever you're doing in your life at that time just ain't feeling right even the coke wasn't feeling right my life was so fucked up on the inside that nothing felt right when I say on the inside let's Let's get time for the basis. I had a beautiful wife. I had a beautiful baby. I just bought a condo. Everything that you were supposed to want.

I had a truck. We had a car. We weren't rich. I mean, we didn't have $50,000 in the bank. We had a couple grand. But in my world, where I had come from five years earlier, there was no bank account. A bank account would get open to get closed a week later than I'd robbed the thing.

I was the only person who ever robbed the thing. his own bank accounts. It's fucking ridiculous. So in my world, that was fucking just perfect. I had a job. I had security. But in my world, that's not what I wanted. Were you happy for any of it? Because you said it,

you said it the wedding you weren't, but... Not a fucking thing. I loved that little girl with all my heart. That was it. That's the only thing that was keeping me together. If I would have just been married without that little girl at the time, I would have taken a plane and God fucking, what's that Bruce Springsteen story?

He went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. I would have pulled one of those Louis Lamar fucking novels. And I can't lie to you because nothing felt right. The job didn't feel right. The money didn't feel right. I just didn't feel right. It was too clean. It was too perfect.

It was what I wanted, but I didn't really want that. And could you tell anyone or didn't anyone think you were crazy? I thought I was going crazy. I didn't know. What the fuck. fuck to do with my life. I was so unhappy. Here I'm picking up.

It's 1990, and I'm picking up eight bills a week, roofing flat. Cash. Cash, no taxes, which is really 12 or 13. Yeah. And I was picking up another 15 on the weekends doing a roof by myself and another guy. Ripping it down on Friday night,

stocking it on Friday, going back there Saturday morning early putting the first roof on ripping the other one off stocking that coming back on Sunday putting that roof on flashing it getting home by dinner at 6 o'clock hanging out with the baby and the fucking so-called wife

and getting up the next morning at 5.30 and doing it all over again you had to get up at 5.30 every day? How to be in downtown Denver by 7 a.m. from Boulder. Fuck. And we worked and he gave us a bonus. He made us a deal in October, like in mid-October, he came to us. And he says, if we finished this roof out of here, everything clean, the day before Thanksgiving, we get like a hundred grand bonus.

And I'll chop that up. I'll take half of the company and chop that up. But until then, we got to work every day. And we looked at them and go, fuck yeah. Yeah, for 10 grand. And we worked every fucking day. I mean, it would snow, a foot of snow. we'd shovel that snow, wait until the sun came out and get to work.

And this is how good we were. We got to the point where we got so good as a crew that some days we'd start at 11, and we'd still finish by 3.30 when the truck would come with the gravel, because the truck would come at 3.30. And he didn't give them, no, he'd come at 3 o'clock every day with, you know, I don't know how many tons of gravel, like stone. And that's what you put on the roof? And that's what you put on the roof to keep the roof on the roof.

Oh. So he didn't give a fuck. You couldn't wave and I'm going to go, hey, Lee, we ain't going to be ready for 10 minutes. That didn't fly. He'd take and make a U-turn and leave. So that's how good that crew got. We had a young white dude from Jersey, a cop, an ex-car. He was trying to be a cop.

He had two Irish laborers from New Jersey because the company was based out of Jersey. He had just brought him back to Colorado. We had Mike Robuck, he used to call in here, who called him with a book about knives and shit. and also was a dear friend of mine. Right. And we had this 60-year-old. Old guy that his name was Jim.

And he had no teeth. I used to torment Jim every day. I love Jim. We used to fuck him. Jim, fuck you. You motherfuckers, and we torment him. Was that the guy who brought all the food? He used to bring his own food.

We used to try to steal it from him. He told us to go fuck himself. So I took a shit in a bag and squished it like a brownie one day and gave him. Anybody wanted brownie? and I knew he was a sucker for brownie. I take it. And he came over and grabbed that brownie.

And I walked away, knew it was a piece of shit in that I had put together, crumpled it. In those days, I used to eat harvest granola every fucking day. Ever since I got out of fucking a joint, every day I went to the harvest restaurant. And I had Swiss granola every day. You understand me? I never ate eggs again.

For three fucking years, that's all I ate was Swiss granola. Oh, my God. Which was frozen vanilla yogurt, which will kill you right there. But I didn't give a fuck with granola with raspberries, blueberries, pineapples and bananas. And I'd mix that motherfucking gumbo of death up and I'd eat that every breakfast. And they had the harvest iced tea. It was a vegan place. But delicious.

They used to have vegan fucking gazpacho. Isn't gazpacho vegan already? Like a, I guess so, like a fucking Mexican soup or some shit. Yeah, it's like tomato. I guess it's usually fishing it, seafood. But the point of the fucking story that I'm getting to. Right. I mean, I didn't know what was eating me alive, Lee.

I knew that. I just knew that I was fucking miserable. So now I go down the Sacred Heart where I got married and I signed up for confirmation classes. I make my confirmations to get the Holy Spirit in me. Do you think that shit worked? that should make me feel fucking worse than I already did. Why? I don't fucking know.

So I walked around for another two months. And a buddy of mine recommended that I go meditate at a place called Noreopa Institute. Okay. In Boulder. It's where all these fucking hippies hanging out, these little trust fund kids, and they're really dynamite kids, and they get stoned. And how it was really turned on to Noreopa was one of my buddies worked in a fucking kitchen at Noreopa, okay? and he worked there as an employee.

Okay. And the guy, the owner, he worked hard, and when everybody else was calling in sick, he was going to work every day, and the guy trusted him, and the guy gave him the keys. And it just kept this trust, kept growing up between my buddy. My buddy was a bartender,

but he also did this job three days a week. He liked he was a vegan. This place was a vegan place, and he was a vegan cook. Him and his girlfriend were both vegan cooks. Well, not him and his girlfriend were both vegans. Okay. And one day the guy came in and he goes, hey, man, I'm dying AIDS.

This place is yours. Wow. I don't know. There was some money exchanged, but it was just a break-even type deal. And my buddy had to work two years or something to make the loan back, and that was it. He owns the place. Now he owns like three of those places. Lenny Martinelli in Boulder, Colorado.

And they do, because I meditated for years. And my dad, my dad did have my brother and I do it. And we went to one of them. It's like an Ayurvedic place. It doesn't sound like what he was doing, but it had like meditation and all like healthy foods. Yeah, well this place, on Monday, this place had walking meditation. Yeah, yeah, that's how you started. You have it with a walking meditation.

And the first time I went in there, they had like these mats. What really happened was it what that wasn't at Niropa. This was up a park. You had to walk up this park named Chautauqua. Okay. And up there, they have these little white monks, these little thwartes, these little fucking rich guys. They put turbans on and they take their shirts off

and they stop putting deodorant on. They stink like fucking debt. And you go in there and you'd walk, meditate. And the first time I went in there, Lee, I swear to God, I smell feet so much in my nose because you have to breathe in through your nose. Right, yeah. The foot was stuck.

Like, I smelled like 20 different sets of feet at once and it got stuck in the middle of my fucking nose. I was getting sick in that because there was no attention. I didn't have any attention. had panic attacks then. I just was getting dizzy. Like I had to get the fuck out of there from the smell of feet. That's when my nose was still good and I could smell. I was very sensitive and

shit. And like I went to one time and I kind of got sick. I smelled like armpit and Pichugi juice and all that shit put together. Then I went back and then I started going back on Mondays and I really enjoyed it except for the smell of feet. That's maybe why my hatred of fucking

feet and jujitsu at first. Yeah, it's not good. Have you ever done hot yoga? No, but that dude got in trouble. a little perverted fucking Hindu. Did you see him? No. He comes out, fucking Bakram. That's the yoga.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he got sued last week for fucking torture and sex and shit. Him? Oh, he's a filthy, fuck. Let me tell you some. That dude's a filthy fucking Hindu. And I love Hindus, but that dude, even Hindus get mad at him. This dude walks around with them curry feet with a bikini on.

People's sweating. He's got that fucking tongue of juice coming out of his toes and shit. And people, these fucking white, chicks that go down and suck his dick they should be shot and hung those little white chicks he has white chicks that just come and suck he's how is he old oh he's fucking older than death but these fucking white chicks go down and they're like oh my god he changed my life tunga you know he he touched me you know and all this shit where nobody else has touched me and they end up sucking they end up sucking that curry dick and then fucking you know you gotta live with that the rest

of your life you blew that fucking curry dick dude after a hot bickram fucking you fucking yoga. His ball smelled like fucking curdled milk. And there you are fucking yeah. He touched me inside. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking mook. I swear to God, I went. What happened was

about maybe it had to be five, six years ago. Longer because we were still living in Hollywood. Me and my wife got invited to a party. Mark Bennington photography. Cool motherfucker. Always did my head shots. I'm

still tight with him. He lives in Jersey City. If you need headshots, contact me. If you live in the New Jersey area, I'll hook you up and Mark Bennington. He's fucking debt. His headshots will book you work even without auditions. Like, that's how strong his headshots are. But Ben, Ben, Ben was into all that fucked up shit.

Me and Bennington got along because of music. But on the other side, he was just whacked out of his mind. He hung out with these wacky Hollywood people. And one of them was a chick who was a yoga chick. dog I was so fucking high when I walked in there like I got high by mistake because my wife was driving and uh this shit gave me any of beating about yoga because at that time my wife was getting me into yoga yeah because you did yoga for all those years I was losing weight and my wife was really getting me into yoga which I wasn't doing it right like now I'm thinking about going to where she goes but I don't want to blow up a spot so there's a spot over here that I saw that gives you like 10 yogas for 10 bucks or something weird it's a and have a beginner class yoga and you're you're going in, you really breathe. And I'm thinking about it.

Can you lose weight doing yoga? It sounds stupid, but just... They say yes. They say yes. I saw that little Chinese guy in the video. He couldn't walk. He started doing yoga. Like the DDP guy, right?

Yeah, next to you know, he's fucking doing jumping jacks, and he's fucking running. And so I don't know. Well, that was hard. I did that class. I got confused. I went to yoga for a while, and I thought I was going to lose weight,

and I'd break a sweat and stuff, but it's not a sweat. It's like a good addition to the workouts. Yeah, it's like, a fucking stretch and get your blood going to those places and it makes your back strong and your breathing. If you were breathing right, like now when I'm getting the breathing better,

you know, listen, I could lose 100 pounds. I just need to fucking get my nose cleaned out. Is that really? I just, Dave, Dave told me three years ago. Joey, I could tell just by your breathing, your nose, you're not getting enough oxygen in your nose. You didn't blow for 30 years. What did you expect?

No matter how good you think your nose is. I don't smell half the time. I don't smell a lot of shit. Really? There's some days I don't taste nothing. I just eat it because what the fuck? One of my options. It was good yesterday.

That's fucked out. Because that's what happened to Sage North Carolina last week. He said he had a really bad flu. And when he was on his back, he just couldn't breathe. You can't breathe. The pressure goes to your head. It's like going on an airplane. I got to bring two fucking things and pills on a plane just in case I forget.

Like right tonight when I go home, Like, I'm already packed, but yesterday, I already put two new fucking nose sprayers in the bag, my travel back, the one I bring on the plane with the computer and the notebook and the pens and the, yeah. So what, what is the doctor going to do for you that's going to fix it? Fix my fucking, it really was weird. I was watching that Whitney Houston thing. Okay. The last 24 hours of Whitney Houston autopsy. And they were checking out the body and what went wrong.

And they said, as soon as you looked in the nose, you knew it's a perfect. separated septum, which means my septum has little holes in it. So it's like a balloon with little holes. Air just really, like, if I sniff, a lot of it don't go in. Where does it go? Who the fuck knows? Into my eyeball. Who the fuck knows?

I don't know. I didn't ask. That's scary. So when are you going to do that? Soonish. You know, then I get a chance to go over the fucking hill. You know, all this shit is over the hill and there's traffic over that fucking hill. And it's a scary place in my world.

Next way I got to go over the hill like a motherfucker. I'm home on next week. I got to run over. I got to get a blood test. I got to go see the heart doctor. I got to make a, I'm going to do the Tom Rhodes podcast. You know, I got to work next week. I got a little meeting Monday.

I got a lot of action. Even though I'm home, I got a lot of fucking action next week. Next week's real. And the week after that, that's my birthday. And the week after that, my boy, Michael Dodkins on the show for two nights to break down the seven motherfucking five. That'll be really fun. Yeah, the 22nd and 23rd. I think the dates are.

The 24th, I got a big time showcase at the comedy store at 830. So I got three fucking weeks from hell. Trust me. And I like it this way. This is the way it's supposed to be. Not to mention the baby, jiu-jitsu working out, writing, you know, arguing, you know. But it's good to be, like it's... Yeah.

What you were saying, you... The last three weeks have been a joy in my fucking heart. I'm busy just being me. Now put me on a motherfucking mission. That's what I enjoy What time did I call you this morning? Six. And I was already up two hours.

I had already written a now in a fucking half in anger. I just wrote. I put together a proposition. I had to do for some people. Yeah, when I go to work, I go to work. Well, I need that coffee and that fucking first. But a ta. Right.

That first Dubois. And you ain't stopping master disaster. I wanted to ask you, when you're talking about feeling a little bit down. What did you feel like when you woke up? Because that for me was the worst. Waking up for the job that I hated. Waking up and like dreading the seconds until I got there.

At that time, I got to be honest with you. I hated every waking moment of the day because it felt like what I wanted to do I wasn't doing. Right. But at the same time, I didn't know what I wanted to do. And did that frustrated me more? That frustrated me more. The thing that's...

saved me, which is I was making Guitus. I was putting together with Getus. I was doing a couple bumps from time to time. I was already done with the halfway house. I was running a game on my house. At that point, I was running games. I figured out how to get the, uh, how to get school loans, you know, and do full out to paperwork for full time and then take the credits off and go part-time and keep the money. I was already figuring out shit. I was already wheeling and dealing. And let's pretend I wasn't snort and blow. I would buy an ounce for 11 to sell it to you for 18. I don't give a fuck.

You know, in my world, that's a 500 dollar dollar profit for the day. Let's make it happen. You got announced for 1100 Lee. This guy will buy it for 18. Let's go. Put the money up. I'll sell them. We'll split the fucking cash. Just like that. We'll split $2.50. Just like that.

Bam. Nobody goes to jail. I know this fucking Jamok. That's awesome. So then when you were saying you finally focused on comedy, did he start to stop doing? No, I didn't focus on comedy at that point. At that point, I was dilly-dallying with it. At that point, I had been put back into the halfway house for getting high.

And while I was in the halfway house, my buddy showed me a tape of Andrew Dice Clay. And I borrowed the tape on New Year's Eve. And I watched that tape, New Year's Eve. When I woke up New Year's Eve in 1991, Just something. I was like, something's going to happen. I got to make it happen. I didn't write my goals.

I didn't do nothing. I kept working on the fucking roof. But when you had that epiphany, did you stop doing all that other stupid stuff or no, not really? Listen. No. I wasn't doing it. I was selling it.

All I was trying to do was to stay ahead of whatever. what I've been trying to do since day one. But at this time, I was trying to support a family. And I was serious about the family, but I was still very serious about my fucking drug life and how I lived. That wasn't going to stop me. That was not going to stop me at that age.

I still had the guns hidden. I still would rob your house if there was more than 10,000 in there. You know, I was just being very careful. After I got out of prison, I got very careful. I watched my back a little extra. If I saw something but I thought it could be a trap, I walked away from it. You know what?

If I fucking lost 7,000, I lost 7,000. But I didn't go for the trap. Right. Okay, I never went for stupid fucking traps. And I kept out of them. And then once I had that tape and I woke up that day in 91 for about a month, I had this weird feeling that maybe I should try a stand up. I had this weird feeling.

Like, maybe I should try a stand up. And people have been telling you at this point to try it, right? Two, three, four, four people had come to me and say, you should try stand up. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to do it. But that morning of January 1st, 1991, I was like, I'm going to fucking try stand up. I'm not going to tell nobody. I'm going to do it on my own time. And that was a thought I had.

and that thought lasted for about 30 days and then it came back to me what am I going to do stand up and I was like ah I don't fucking know I don't fucking know you know I'm too busy I got the kid I started making excuses for myself in my head ah maybe I'll go

you know in those days there wasn't no internet I wasn't going to Google how do I start stand up you just you know what do you go to the library I didn't know about stand-up comedy clubs I thought people just didn't stand up on TV You know Really?

I knew that people did shows at individual places But I didn't know really That there was just standard comedy clubs All your time in New York You'd never seen one or? Fuck no Are you crazy? Me and my friends never did that shit

Really? We went to see Eddie Murphy at the garden Okay Okay so I thought you just woke up one day. When I heard about stand-up, I thought that one day, is that a gun?

I hope not. I thought that one day you woke up. You went to some guy's house. You had material and you got on stage and there was 200 people there and you did comedy and that was it. That was the whole process. That was the whole process.

And the only experience I had had with stand-up that I looked at it and I walked away was Charlie whatever I was telling you, Barnett at Central Park at Washington Square Park. Right, then, yeah. When I saw that, I was very like, wow, he's doing it outside.

Like, that's how they do it. Like, I was still, I didn't have a, guys, I didn't have an idea that you had to work hard and get on stage every night and do it for 10 years. And I had no idea. I basically thought that you wrote material and you went to a TV station and they had a stage and you went up there

And they had 200 people in the audience. That's what I really fucking thought. That's how pathetic I was. So I didn't know nothing. February came along. And at this point, I'm not really working on the roofs anymore. I'm basically going to the roofs and bringing them whatever they forgot. There was two or three crews then.

You were like the supervisor. I was an estimator, but part of my job was materials. So in the mornings, before I went an estimator, I had to drop materials off to people, go get whatever they needed. So if I'd have to go to I-70 to this place and get sashes, metal, whatever, you know, screws, drill bits, whatever.

So one day I went on the job and it snowed, but the sun was out. I'll never forget that. Like usually when it snows, like it stays cloudy. Like a sun shower, but it's snowing. Like it was a sun shower, but it snowed fucking six inches of snow. Holy shit.

And breakfast was 10 o'clock. And I said, you know, what guys I'll shovel and on the way down I'll go over and get you guys breakfast give me your orders and in those days there was six of us we all ate a container green chili some days I just pay for it and I get the money when I went back or and then the next day some other guy would pay you know we were really cool about it so I said I look there's a green chili to warm us up and when I something we had to order something and I had to sit okay like I had to sit like it was those old

diners where you had to sit and there has the circular stools. Yeah, yeah, like a regular dime. Yeah, the counter. So I was sitting at the counter and I look over and there's a fucking newspaper. A Rocky Mountain Post or whatever the fuck it is and I pick it up and I'm scrolling through this Rocky Mountain fucking post

and in the middle. It said how to be a comedian. Just in the newspaper? In the newspaper? Like, you know, in the middle of entertainment like every paper has like uh like uh you know what happened the police blotter and then as you get to the middle of the sale pages women's bras and macy's just in the middle right in the front page of entertainment how to become a stand-up comic they interviewed five local guys one of them was a comic by the name of andy payton i'll never forget that and and then inside it has how to become a comedian

go to an open mic at the Comedy Works in Denver, do this, and take a stand-up class. I went with the fucking last one. I had the fear of death. What did you think when he saw that in the paper? It was just like the answer to your part. That's crazy.

It was crazy. It's like God put, like that's crazy. I stole the section. Yeah. I took the section. I put it in my pocket. I sat in the car and I looked at it.

And it took me about, and I'm lying to you guys because something happened way before that. It really fucked me up. I watched a movie Punchline. It snowed in January, and I was home. And I went to that movie place in Boulder, and I got Punchline. With Tom Hanks and Sally Struthers. No, no, no, Tom Hanks and the chick that was from the...

She's old. I mean, you won't know what it is. Okay. But it was Tom Hanks, Angel Salazar, Damon & Wayans. It's called Punchline. And it's a movie about a comedy club in Jersey called The Garage, I think. The exploits that go in there and also has a contest. Her name is Lila, and she was though flying none, and that's her name and the thing.

And Tom Hanks is a doctor, and he gets thrown out of medical school. So now he's lying to his parents, and he's really doing stand-up at night. And it shows him doing, like, fucking cancer clinics in the afternoon for 25 bucks and writing jokes for people. It was really, and I watched it this. afternoon my head almost blew up. Oh, you watch it again this afternoon? No, I watched it one afternoon when it snowed, and I couldn't work.

And I watched it, and my head almost blew up. I was like, holy fuck, so that's what you got to do. So I went in the yellow page, and I saw Dendor Comedy Works. And I was like, oh, shit. And I called them, and I said, do you have an open mic? And I'm like Tuesdays. And I go, how do I get on? And they go, you got to call the Thursday before, before 4 o'clock, whatever the fuck.

I never called. and then a couple weeks later I saw that newspaper article and that really put me over the top so I saw comedy works I saw these other clubs but the main thing I saw was a comedy class at the University of Colorado and Boulder

I go that's right around the corner from my house I'm in a stand-up comedy class I stand-up comedy class at the college three Sundays in a row 35 fucking dollars Wow 35 fucking dollars the guy's name was Jeff Harms

and I sat there the first week I didn't know what to expect. He made us buy a book. He told us about stand-up. It was a three-hour class on Sundays. The guy was a sweetheart. He did five hours. You know, he just kept us there.

Like, we just all sat there, like, enamored. And it was for people who had fear of public speaking or who wanted to get into stand-up comedy. So the second Sunday, you had to write material a little bit with him and think about what you wanted to do and discuss it with him. Then the third Sunday, you did a performance. And this was the first time you ever did it ever before any stage. Pretty much. I had done it in prison a few times on stage, but I didn't know it was fucking stand-up. I thought it was people yelling at people from a table.

I didn't know it was the art of stand-up comedy. No, I don't think you'd put that on your resume. But that's crazy how you went to... My college actually just started a stand-up comedy major. It's crazy guy. It's fucking crazy. It's huge right now, I could teach it. I could teach that shit because I really know the nuts and bolts,

but it was so, like that class, that last Sunday, as I was leaving, he pulled me aside. And he goes, I think that you really have a career in this, if you really want to do this. And I was like, ah, no, this is not what I wanted to do. This is just, at that time, I didn't know what the fuck I wanted to do. I didn't know if this was the answer to my unhappiness. So were you searching for, like, at the class?

Like, why were you at the class then? Why did I take the class? Yeah. I wanted to see the nuts and bolts. I had all these, I wanted to know how to. Let's pretend I wanted to know how to. You know, before I go to ITT tech and spend $9,000 on electrical wiring, let me see if I'll even like this shit.

Right. So $36, $37, I had nothing to do by taking a class. Nothing to lose. If it was $2,000, hello, then I got to commit to it. But it was $37. What do I care? three fucking Sundays of my time. I enjoyed it, but when that guy said that to me,

it fucked with me a little bit. Like, it was like, really? And I started thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it, and one day, boom, in the paper. Here I am working seven to three, right? Right. Right. Roofing and working on the weekends and estimating,

and I'm going home and taking care of a baby with my wife at the time. We're not really ginning. So guess what? Guess what I saw in the bolder paper? And I had for doorman at the comedy club. So you got that job? I went, I applied, and I got a job at night as a dormant. So I had to be there at 7.30.

I had to see everybody. And then I just stayed at the door and I had to let everybody leave. And then I get in the car and go home. That was my job. And I watched comedians. How many nights a week? Tuesday through Sunday. There goes your marriage.

My marriage was doomed anyway. There goes my marriage. I was just trying to stay ahead. But at that time, I was so unhappy. I said, fuck it, let me take this job. This is what I want to do. Let me at least go in the scene and ask questions and become friends with these guys

and help them carry their luggage to the car. At that time, I'd do whatever just to ask you a question. And the comics were very nice to me. They answered my questions and the people were nice to me. And also, guess what? The fucking lighting guy in the same. sound guy quit. So they came to me. They're like, what are you doing?

You want to make them two extra dollars an hour? And I'm like, yeah, turn on the light, turn on the show, and fucking sit here until the end and make sure the volume's right. And we'll pay you for two jobs. So now I got there at seven and I stayed till closed and I became friends with them. I was allowed to have a drink with the comedians and ask them. And then a week later, guess what happened?

What? The bar back quit. You were not the entire staff of the comedy club I was the bar back I would go out start the show Going in the back mixed drinks Stock the bar, wash glasses Mixed drinks

Go out close the show Clean the bar and go home They took the door staff job from me They gave it to one of the girls to see people And take IDs She was a big little Indian looking bitch She was about six foot one Four hundred pounds

She didn't fuck around So Indian looking bitch Oh, she was something weird, like Alaska or something. Fucking Himalayan. One of those weird people looking, I don't know. But she was very sweet. But I did that.

And as soon as I did that, I was like, fuck this. I'm going on stage. And then... So for three weeks, Lisa had. I fucking... In May, I started calling the Comedy Works. Like that, mid-April, I started calling the Comedy Works. And every week they would call me.

You got a spot, and I'd cancel that night. I kept canceling and canceling. And I wasn't ready. And my material wasn't ready. I wanted to have 20 minutes, just tons of excuses, one after the other. And how many minutes you were doing three minutes? Three minutes. That's it.

But you wanted to have 20 just in case. Just, you know, just an excuse. That's the excuse comics to tell you. Well, I'm not ready. I want to have an hour before I go up there. Just like that, you're going to have a fucking hour. You don't even know how to write a mess. minute and you're going to go on that. You know, it's just an excuse that comics that don't know will

say it before they go on stage. People have a fear of going on stage. Dog, it was huge fear I had. You know, at this timely, it's not that I failed at everything. It's like I quit everything. What was going to be fucking different now? You know, what was going to be different? Was I going to start this and then quit it like I quit everything from the base in the sixth grade to my bartending job in the city? to my cook job, to my dishwashing job, to my fucking pipe job, to my fucking spackling job. I mean, I quit.

I would be job. What was it going to be like? I was like, how am I going to fucking act now? And you actually, like, consciously thought I can't quit it. I don't want to quit this. Like, no, I didn't even, I didn't, I had a wife, I had a kid. You know, I was on probation. I didn't want to, my in-laws had given me this job.

to teach me how to roof, you know, I worked hard than everybody else. I mean, let me tell you something, when family gives me a job, I never wanted them to say, well, your brother-in-law's lazy. So I worked hard and everybody else. I was the first one on the job site and the last one to leave. If somebody needed to do something on a Sunday, I got in the truck and did it, just so nobody could ever talk bad about me on that job site. So what time did you get out of the comedy club, though?

Because you said you were waking up at 5.30. So you got like three hours of sleep at night? I'm telling you, Lee. Lee, you think I'm kidding you. And the two nights I didn't have sleep, I'd snort coke. So there was no sleep in my fucking house. There was no fucking sleep. What sleep?

Jesus Christ, that's a crazy way to live. Lee, yeah. You're trying to get ahead. Who gives a fuck about crazy? But at that time, let's go for another one, right? Yeah, it's Thursday. It's Wednesday night. I'm so high already.

Who gives a fuck? That's what it's all about. Okay. Let's do it. Here you go. Let's see my dad's calling. He ain't calling. Yeah, here you go.

Oh, Jesus It didn't matter, Lee. It didn't matter. I was so fucking miserable that I didn't know. I didn't care. I was like, fuck it, I'll take a chance with this nonsense. You know, and that was the...

And at that time, I was starting to get along with my wife a little bit. She was like, if you do this, I'm going to be so proud of you. And finally, they called me. And they were like, you're on this Tuesday. And I was like, you're fucking shit in me. So I told a couple people to put myself in the spot. You follow me?

I told a few people, so I had to put myself in a spot. People going, where are you performing? I go, I'm not telling you, but I'm going up on stage. And I drove down for a comedy works in Denver. I sat in the audience, man, and then they came and got me, and they said, you're up next. And I fucking went up on that stage, and I saw those people. And I got a few laughs.

I remember like I got a few laughs. not what I anticipated. My dream was to go up there and just destroy them. People picking me up and he's cheering and shit. Next thing, you know, Disney comes over with a fucking deal. That's your plan, you know. I remember they were doing, they used to do a lot of contests in those days. A lot of contest in the fucking early 90s, late 80s.

Like bars and clubs would have contests? No, Johnny Walker Redd. All these companies had comedy competition. not Schmitz, the one of the night, Bex, Bex had a comedy competition. Johnny Walker Red had a comedy competition. You know, NBC, the one that Felicia won, had a comedy competition.

So a lot of people had comedy competitions in those days. But NBC had one in Boulder one time. You had to go to this place and sign your name and wait until you call and go in a room. with two people. And I actually thought, Lee, that I was going to go in there and shun the judges

with my brilliant material. And I did two of those. And how long had you been doing comedy? Weeks. Weeks. I ain't going to lie to nobody. And you were going to walk in and be like... Oh, yeah.

I was going to walk in there and just razzle them so hard that they were going to whisk me off to Los Angeles. Give me a show and I'd be living next door to fucking Brad Pitt or something like that. That's what I really thought. That's how demented I was at that age.

And the first time I went into this room, there was two guys, young guys. And like, hey, how are you? I'm like, hey, what's going on? I tried to be cute. I'd go for it. And then I fucking just sat there for three minutes and just continually said things

to make them hate me more and more and more. When I walked out, they were both pale. And they were asking me, never like, I could see that they were saying never to fucking come back. Just don't. What were you saying? Like, what can you be saying to these people? I have no idea.

I was doing Godzilla jokes and Cuban magician jokes. Who fucking knows, Lee? Cuban magician. What I know was fucking terrible. That's all I know was just terrible. And then I went to another one. And I ate dick at that one. That was like a fucking popularity, ABC, young comic thing.

Were you as confident the second time? You're like, they were stupid last time. This time, I was, little bit fucking dumber. Like I was even more arrogant than I was the first time. Like, I wasn't a bad person. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Is Dickie sciatico? I wasn't as bad as, uh, I wasn't a, I wasn't a, I wasn't, I hadn't improved. If that's what you're asking. Right. I hadn't improved and I hadn't even tried to fucking improve. I just, uh, went down there. With this attitude, go behind me, Dickie Sayer. I went down there with this fucking attitude

that I was the luckiest man in the world. Like I was acting like... Like you were the king. And I went down there and I saw 40 real comics. Like from that night when I had gotten at the Comedy Works, I had seen 40 guys. But I'll never forget seeing one guy with a black jacket on and a peacock. Okay.

And I looked at him and I shit my pants. Like he got in my head. I just went over to the list. I erased my name and I left. And you know guys that that's uncommon. Why do you just got too scared? Like, why did you leave? The guy with the jacket with the peacock on there, the NBC peacock.

Yeah. It just gave me, it didn't give me anxiety. It just gave me fear. Like I just shit my fucking pants before I even got to the stage. So you, like you were walking up like, I could get a show on NBC. I should have a show on NBC. To go.

That's for you, my brother. And then you see it, and then you just... Like the whole day, I was psyched up. I was psyched up, you know, the week before, I had worked on my material, which was garbage. I drove down there. I got to set. By that time, I was just about to get separated.

I was fighting all the time. There was just nothing there. There was no communication. I was going home to hug a baby, take a shower, talk to somebody for two minutes, and we would sleep on opposite sides of the bed, and I'd get up and I'd do it all over again.

And then one day I went home, and I said, I said something. I go, this is just not working. And I had just gotten a credit card for 10 Gs, just came in the mail mysteriously. In those days, when you take a student loan out, you get these fucking credit cards. But I'd get them. for 3,000, 4,000, 5,000.

I never touch them. I wouldn't put a dime on them. I had one for 500 that I fucked with. I've always been a Jew. Trust me of time. And this one comes in with a $10,000 limit. And this one comes in with a $10,000 limit. And I start talking to my wife at the time.

And I go, you know what I need? What the go-goos took? A vacation. You know, vacation. That's all I ever wanted. Vacation. That's it. I go, let me take a vacation.

So I booked a flight to New York for 10 days. Mistake number one. Mistake number one. I didn't know how to travel in those days. I didn't know what I was doing. What do you mean? Ten days. What's rule number one, Lee?

What's the rule I tell you that? Well, you always say short. Three days before you fucking lose your mind and go, what am I doing at this island? I got to get the fuck out of here, you know. At least you move around. You go to your friends up there, you come back. You know, after three days, I can't even go.

home this time i booked it for 10 days with a 10 000 credit card get to the fucking airport i go to pick up my rental car it's a big police car one of those big state trooper white one do i take this for the cost of a fucking compact give it to me got air conditioning i see d't you play i'm living like a fucking you know luts a lutz my intention to go to new york was just to get high and do stand-up comedy. That was it. With $10,000. For $10,000.

For 10 days. For 10 days. That's what my plan was. And I get back and George is all fucked up. He's smoking cracked. He's got aluminum foil in his window, Scott's tape. So the daylight don't come in like Blade. You know what I'm saying? He's fucking pale. He hasn't seen the sun in weeks. Oh, my God.

And I'm like, what's going on? Let's go get a package. And he took me all by Yankee's state. the first night and he got me like 825s and he was fucked up and we came back and then he disappeared and I went back to grandmas and did the coke by myself it was fucking horrible so my plan was to go into the city and watch comedy and maybe sign up for a few open mics I go into the city sign up and after 20 minutes go fuck this I'm going to get a grumble blow and I'm going on and that's what I did I went over to the city six times

and didn't get on stage once. But when I was in the city, I saw all these open mics, and I started understanding, oh. So this is way. So you guys just don't do this once a week? They're like, no, we go out every night, every night. So you mean I got to do this shit every night? They're like, yeah, and we do it three times a night.

Seven nights a week. I go, do you guys get paid? Once in a while, we get 20 bucks, 30, but what? So wait a second. Let's say you got a gig in the Bronx. We take a train. Like these guys were like fucking like, this is nothing. And I'm like, no.

I'm not going to a barring queen for six bucks and not fucking picking up money. Why? That sounded absurd in my world. I didn't know about art. I didn't know about hard work. What I just tell you, Lee, I thought I was going to go to a radio station and go,

hey, Dickie Syatt, put me up on stage, get 200 people. I'm a star. And that it would get out through the airwaves and that some executive would see me and move me to Hollywood. And that was it. I didn't know you had to work.

Lee, work. Work? Are you fucking crazy? When that guy told me that story about fucking going out every night, how long have you been doing this? Four years. You get paid yet?

No, I got a day job. What? What are you fucking stupid? And you do this every night, every night? But get the fuck out of here. I'm doing blow. I'm not doing this shit.

I swear to God. That was the attitude. At that time, I had been on stage maybe three or four, three times. I got on stage once a month. I thought you just got on stage once a monthly. And you picked up $30,000. And if not, a movie director came and talked to you about buying the rights to your life. I thought it was just a fucking, that's it.

Just easy. That's it. I didn't know that there was 3,000 stand-up comedians. I thought there was just seven of them, the ones you see in TV. Richard Pryor, David Brenner, George Carlin, the other skinny black guy from JJ Dynamite, the other skinny black guy from Carl Wash. That's it.

I didn't know there was 3,000 comedians. Well, at that time, in 1991, that was the comedy boom. That was a big comedy boom. That was the beginning. That was right there, the big, comedy boom. So I get back from New York. I may be back two weeks. I'm working at Boulder Toyota now. As a what? Salesman. Okay. Because they went back to New Jersey. That was the other part of me. I wanted to go back there and see if I wanted to move back there. Because they were

taking the one crew back there. They had gotten a big job back there. Only a little crew was going to stay back here and do service when you just go to people's rules. And filled the holes and shit like that. So I didn't know what I was going to do that winter. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? I want to move back to Jersey? That means I would have to switch to probation and all that shit. So I said, no, no, no, no, no.

You guys go, do that job during the winter. Those winters are a motherfucker. I'll stay here in Colorado. I've got a job selling cars. I went over to Boulder Toyota. And I was over at Bolotorah for maybe two weeks. And at that time, I was still curbing cars. curbing cars is when I buy a car from Dick Syatt

and I sell it to Lee Syatt for $800 $800 more without doing a thing. All in like a day. All in the day's pay. So I know Lee Syatt, what's your budget, Lisa at? Between six and seven, I go look on the book. I know that, you know, I could get one for about $55 if I really work. You got $7,000, but he wants $65.

You don't see the ass. I call him. I show up with 5,500 cash. He sells it to me for 5,500. Oh, my God. You got $7,000 cash. And then you get $1,500. Even if you drop to $67, I'm making $1,200 for the day.

Did you ever have anyone not want to buy the car you brought them? No, I pretty much had the pre-order already in my mind. Oh, okay. That's a scary business. You just got to move quick. And you got to call people quick. So I was doing that from time to time I was helping a friend of mine

And then I started doing it So I would go up to Dick's eye And go Dick, come here for a second Let me your license Let's go down to the thing I'll give you 200 off the top What are you doing today? Nothing, come on, let's go pick up 200

Just put the car in your name For one hour That's it, you sold the car today And I give you $200 I would find those people All fucking day long To just do the paperwork for me And I give them $2 an hour

I still made $800 for the day What do I give a fuck? Three days a week, that's 2400 that nobody knows about. That's a spirit, Jack. You know what I'm saying? 2400 times fucking three weeks. It's not bad. That's 7200.

That means you work three weeks and take a week off like a doctor. You backpack and go play with wolves and Indian people. Play the fucking bongos. Is that what you do on your vacation? No, but that's what normal fucking Gentiles would do. You want to smoke a little through suits? Absolutely. Did you eat the Star of Death?

No, not yet. Well, either 200. You might as well. Yes, that's what I was hoping. Yeah, he said that you're fucking too. Just take those, those are like appetizers. So I'll give you some of these. If you don't want the 50s, I just give you some 200s.

And this portion of the show is sponsored by Star 1 Edibles of Death. Stars of Death! These guys have been taking care of me for fucking years. And I love, this is one of my favorite all-time fucking edibles right here. Me and Lee cut our teeth on these. We went into training on force. one fucking edibles. 800 milligrams tonight, Mr. Sayyad.

That's how we roll tonight. You know what I'm saying? Somewhere there's a Jewish holiday going on somewhere to a celebrating. Hey, how's that blue, the blue pot that you have? I saw, didn't you, I see that the other night that you had? I got somebody that took the house. I bought a little bit.

I still got a little leftover. Yeah, so that's the, I was fucked up, Lee, for a long fucking time, man. And I get home. I get back from New York. I get that job at Boulder Toyota. I'm curbing. I'm curbing. I'm curbing.

I'm gunning. You know, there's some days Lee Syatt that, guess what? I got two cars on hold. And I got a motherfucker that's got $8,000 cash. And I just went and got this guy to give me his car for 52. Oh, sure. That means I got a $2,800 fucking window. And the car's mint.

But guess what, Lisa? Yeah. I only got two Gs. Let me get three. real quick. You know, you gotta get a cash dude. Right there. Let me get three for 35. Boom. There we go. Three for 35. I sold the car and you're still with me. Let's go get lunch and now we're waiting. And it was fucking craziness. But a lot of times, somebody who already had their 5 Gs out, somebody already had their 7 Gs out. I was stuck.

So what happened one time was this guy said to me, I'll sell you this car. This is like in September. He goes, I'll sell you this car, but I'm a bit in the bind. If I could have the dough in a couple days. I got I caught I had credit cards that I had that one for 10,000 but I had already put like seven on that trip but this is way before that hold on one second this was way before that I couldn't take cash off that car because the wife I was with at that time wouldn't understood so I had maybe like three Gs and cash and I told the guy hold on into these three Gs that's a deposit on that car. Don't put the car in the paper, don't do nothing.

Give me 10 fucking days. I go home. I'm about to call a buddy amount in Jersey. And there's a financial aid thing that all I had to do was turn in and they cut you the check in 48 fucking hours. So my plan was to do the deal

2625 is to stand the check they give you, right? 2,600 for a student loan? Maybe I don't know for me. I mean, enough of me. Never forget to figure. That's crazy. 2625. I said, give me the 2625. I'll give me the credits. I took the 2625. I went. I sold a fucking car. I made, I think even more. It was a two-car deal. And what do you think I did?

I went right to the fucking college and I paid the fucking 2625 and I paid the extra Vig. Boom. It was forgotten about Mr. Sire. Forgotten about. And all that New York and all that bullshit, shit like the Gentiles they are, they send the receipt and a recap of the loan. And my ex-wife sees the fucking thing. Now listen, guys, the marriage was on the rocks at that time. We were all just waiting for something to happen. You know what I'm saying? Like a miracle to happen.

And I'll never forget getting home and her asking me, did you take a loan out without my permission? And I said to her, I didn't think I needed your permission to take a loan loan loan. This was from my school. She goes, yeah, but you pay. You know, it was a mild argument. It wasn't even an argument. And that's when she said, I think we should separate for a while.

I can't deal with this no more. I don't know what's going on in my own, you know, whatever. And I remember looking at her going, this is sad. But at the same time, fuck cars and shit. I could start calming now. I can really go to work. That's it. I got rid of this fucking nuisance.

The only thing that's stopping me, at that time I had no debt. zero debt. I had paid my court. There was no debt, and I had 15 cards with $5,000 on. I could sit at home for a fucking year and scratch my fucking nuts. All I had to do was get rid of this fucking thing.

When I came home and she said that to me, that we should separate. I was in fucking shock, guys. I was fucking. Part of me was sad, but the other part of me wanted, something was eaten away at me for fucking two,

walking years, eating the way at me, eat the way at me, eating away at me. It felt like every job I had, I was just, it's weird to describe. Every situation I was in, it was like I was in a bad dream. Like, this is going to go quick. Like, I didn't know what the fuck. I would sit at the house alone. I was snorting coke and doing weird stuff at the house. When I do that shit, it's because I wasn't fucking right.

Like, I wasn't right. Thinking back now, I'll never forget. when she packed and took off. After like a week, man, I felt like I got this love for life again. And I missed a kid, and I missed a kid being around. I knew this is going to be difficult for everybody.

But it was very weird. It was like the weirdest thing. Like, I wanted this. And, you know, a week later, she came and cleaned me out, took all the furniture and left the TV. I still remember laying on the floor with a television, a white rack,

and a VCR. That's what she left. And there was nothing in the living room, gentlemen. The dinner, nothing. She took the forks, the knives, the kitchenware. Everything was fucking gone. The mustard, the fucking ketchup. That's fucked up.

What do you do when you walk into that? What do you think when you walk into that? Do you think you were wrong? When I walked in that day, she had called me and said, I'm going by. I was at work. She called by and said, I'm going by, and said, I'm going to go by. there today and take some stuff the box spring that belongs to me the picture that belongs to my mother you know she like okay when i got home dog she had taken everything everything everything

do you call her do you go there what do you do you do at that time had been to prison had gotten out my mother had died i had lived in four different fucking places you know, I left a snow mask owning $60,000, $70,000 in debt. God knows that people are looking for me. I left Jersey owning, you know, 200,000 God knows their people are looking for me.

Wait a second. So here I am in a condo in Boulder, Colorado with no furniture. A TV, a VCR, and a mattress and a box spring. No, I think she took the box spring. It was just a mattress with a sheet like a fucking animal. I think

She left a few towns, and she took everything else, guys. And I sat in this thing for fucking four or five months before I moved that. And all I was doing was staying. Like, I really, once she left, I started going out at night. I quit that fucking job, being a dormant. And I said, fuck this. I'm going out at night. I'm going for it.

And I would go to places. I'd watch, and I'd leave. You would never go out? Nope. for how long? Three or four months. I would go to certain places and go up on stage

because it's like jiu-jitsu in the beginning. Why would you want to go do something if you're going to eat dick? So I would get to a place, look at the audience, and go, I'm not going up. They were not going to light me, and I'd just get in the car

and fucking do 90 the way home. And then it'd feel bad the next day. I can't lie to nobody. It'd feel fucking horrible. Why would I do something like that to myself? Who would act like that? Like that? Who acts like that?

Especially week after week for three or four months. That's, I would go to poetry night to give myself a breather, just to come to terms with myself. I would go to poetry night and boulder and sneak up there and do six minutes till they threw me off of just dirty, uncensored, garbage, not structured. And that was the deal I cut with myself. For me going all the way to this place in Denver and not getting on stage,

I'm going to force myself to go to the open poetry reading at 11 o'clock on a Friday and Saturday night, which is filled with losers, okay? Nobody goes to a poetry reading on 11 o'clock on a Friday night. If you're not getting your dick sucked and you listen to the poetry, you're going the wrong fucking direction, all right? Especially 11 o'clock at night until 2 in the morning. You'll be listening to fucking poetry.

It's ugly people and people nobody wants around. They got ADD. They've been hitting their head with a safe. That's who's at a fucking poetry reading on 11 o'clock. And I'm telling you, Molly. Think about it. Anybody with any sense, I don't care how much you love the arts. You want to speak poetry and invite me over

on Sunday with some wine and cheese. You know, four in the afternoon on Sunday, two on Saturday. I don't want to come over here. You're weird fucking poetry. I don't get if Jesus fucking wrote it with blood. What would you have done if a girl asked you to go to a poetry read? Get the fuck. In those days, get the Lee. I never even

thought of these things in my world. I never even concepted this shit in my world, man. I just wanted to do stand-up or I thought I did. At that time, it was just a mind fuck. It was just what I was telling myself to stop me from doing something productive.

What am I going to become an electrician for? I'm going to do stand-up comedy. Why am I going to read that book for? I'm going to do stand-up comedy. What am I going to fucking work for you for a week? I'm going to be a comedian in two weeks. You did it. You know?

I mean, that was a show. That's fucking crazy. And making a living. Oh, yeah. Oh, please. I had it all fucking, I had the, I'm telling you. My plan was to go somewhere, get on stage, somebody see me and wish me to Hollywood to live with Eddie Murphy for a month and teach him about comedy. Like, I was going to come tell people here.

That's why when I see it, I notice it. As soon as I go to a meeting or somebody wants to meet with me and they start talking and I see that cockiness, I go, ah, that was me. 20 years ago. I really thought I was going to make a movie of Mickey Rourke after my eighth stand-up comedy. You know what I'm saying? I had this fucking delusion that it's crazy, Dick Cyanette.

It's fucking crazy. Let me do some shout-outs here real quick. Lee, you're all right? You're looking around like, you're a mo-moed up. Arnold Medina. I love your cocksucker. Margaret Oliver. Talking layer, always giving advice and fucking watching us. Zane Decker.

D. in Colorado. Tommy P. Alexander Voigt, Chad Reza and Dan Ullett. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget St. Louis Helium tomorrow night, Friday night and Saturday night, two shows. My 53rd birthday in Vegas, February 19th, and 20th, and 224 at the Comedy Store in the main room. On the Wednesday, tickets are available. What's happened, Doug? I was just thinking, too bad we couldn't be together on our birthday.

I'm the 18th. I'm the day before you. Dickie Sireen. How old are you going to be this year? 63. God bless you. You're looking at you. Slinging dick in Florida.

When are you coming back to Florida? West Palm? I don't know. I haven't heard of Florida date yet. You know, there's not enough weeks for all these fucking cities. I'm running out of weeks. I'm even going to San Francisco. I'm trying to go in December.

Like that Christmas after Christmas, people get crazy those two days. I'm trying to put. pull shit out of my ass, you know. Have you watched The Godfather Epic? I just watched one on the plane today. The first step, I have them on my iPad. I just watched The Godfather today. Well, HBO, I don't know if they bought their rights or whatever.

They put one and two together and took not the missing scenes that were in the 25th anniversary, but even deeper missing scenes. And they put them together. And it came on a couple weeks ago, but it was on. tonight. It came on at 2 o'clock. You know what time at Ensley? What time? 9.05.

Yeah. It's a 7, 6-hour fucking movie. Two a client. It's about the Godfather. Oh, Jesus. We saw that. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. But they put one and two together and all the parts they had taken out.

And it is so interesting that what they took out was such a big part of the movie. They took out scenes that showed conflict between the son and the father.

Little things that he would say. At the wedding, he didn't talk to him too much. He wouldn't take the picture without Michael. But then at the wedding, he wouldn't talk to him. But then there's a scene at the wedding when Sinatra comes in and he tells him, you got to act like a man and all that shit.

Yeah. That's it's crazy That that little those little things will change a movie So but here's the beauty of him Right after that That Sinatra goes to eat The other guy comes in he goes Oh man Jenko's on his deathbed

He's the conciliator of the family We gotta go say our goodbyes And he goes round up Michael and Fredo Look at my boy You're gonna be taking them to you're gonna be breaking into Stout Burger We're gonna be putting a burglar mask on my boy tonight And making them go in there

rob the fucking joint. No. So he goes to the, they show him in the room. He goes, get my boys ready, get the car with him. Let's go to the hospital and say goodbye to Janko. What a great scene. And you see, the boys walking like two, one, another one, and also him Vito's there. And Michael stops and Vito walks up to him. And he goes, did your white girlfriend get a ride home?

And already he's upset. He goes, what are those medals for for saving strangers? And he walks away from him and then Vito goes up to him to say, Michael, come on. You know, I love you and I care for you. I really have a future for you. And he's like, you go to the future for me, you know, right away. And he goes in and there's his old man on the bed. He's got to be 80s all fucked up.

And he sees sweat and shit. And he sees Vito. And Vito says, oh, man, Janko, my trusted constantly. And he goes, Godfather, I'm happy you're here. Stay here. So when the Grim Reaper shows up and he sees you, you will scare him. I mean, it's a fucking powerful fucking scene. Fuck, yeah.

Wait, say that again. So he says to him, Godfather, stay here. So when the Grim Reaper comes and he sees you, he'll be scared, he'll fucking leave. It's fucking strong. I mean, this whole, this, you know, there's a lot. more parallels with him and the father. Like, it's too long to watch. So what I did today was at 4 o'clock,

I always watched the first 10 minutes of the news. So I put the news on. That's when I realized it was on February 3rd. And boom, I fucking... Recorded it. No, I didn't record it. I put on the thing and it was the hotel, which is one of my favorite.

Like, if I was going to be an actor, like if somebody came to me and said, I really want to be an actor, Joy. What do I do? I go, first of all, watch the Godfather, but focus on the hotel scene When the guy says, you know, in my neighborhood, we sell it, but we control it. We keep in the dark areas.

They're animals anyway. Let them lose their souls. Right after that dude says that line, he gets up. He starts talking to the guy, and he starts talking about revenge. Will revenge bring back your son? Will he bring back my son? And he has a pen in his hand. He has a pen in his hand.

I'm going to give you one of these as a consolation prize for coming on this show. on the flight back you can blow these right this face you understand today i so wanted to go into the bathroom on the plane i flew in today and i i i had knee cigarette and i wanted to just take a couple of hits and that but i i saw you i heard your story keep that one we'll give you another one to take home look at you let's see you smoke a few hits mrs say i look at you you fucking auntie mollie like a doctor oh yeah you'll be back at the fucking cactus tonight. Get the, what is he

getting? What are he going to get him for that at the cactus? He got tacos today. What are you going to get him at the cactus? You got to go back. Who gives the fuck? He's going to eat tacos again. You think he's going to eat tacos? Well, I don't want tacos. We had him for once. Listen, this is LA. It's 10.30. You know what you're getting? Fucking tacos, okay? From the cactus to Chi Chicharon

tacos. That's what you go get him. Get him like three with a Diet Coke. It's all over. After this fucking beat. We're giving them this emotional. Did you say onion rings too or no? No onion rings at a taco place. But if he takes you to start where he was supposed to take you tonight, he fucked up. No, we didn't have time.

We didn't have time. Listen, he's never got time. He's got more stories in the book. He had time. He knows. He wants to go to any two burgers. Watch them when you see him there. Oh, they're so great.

He changes. He slouches. He gets all paranoid like the Russians are coming and shit. Because you always grab for stuff first. You go what? You always go for stuff first. I got to make sure. What stuff?

The mozzarella fries. Oh, no, no, the food is delicious there. He killed the mozzarella fries last time. Two waters by himself. No, I did not. Him and fucking the other gargoy. Johnny Rock. Johnny Rock and my wife.

I just go for the cheeseburger. I think it's one of the best burgers I've tasted in a long time. And the guy at the Charlotte Comedy Zone said there's a place in Orange County that makes the best burger he's ever had. I have no fuck. I'm not driving the Orange County. What's the matter, Lee? You just saw the devil there. A little bit.

I just saw that. I just saw that, Miss Society. You saw the devil. The devil sat right next to me. You had to shake them off. Shake them up, shake them up, shake them up, shake them up, shake them up, shake them. Oh, my God, Lee, I had so many prongs that stand up. I wanted people to know that, that it wasn't like,

this was all in a three-year process. In three years, honest, I probably got on stage 30 years. times. Like I was, remember, when I worked at the broker, I got on stage every Tuesday. That was four times a month. In my world, that was good enough. And maybe, maybe once a month on Saturdays, I would drive all the way out, all the way out an hour to an open mic that started at 11th, and the guy would put me up at 1230, and I would die. Every time I went down there, I would just die. I thought I was cute, and I go up there with a suit and do stupid fucking fucking. jokes and there were every time

I'm like one of these people are going to throw fucking rocks at me dog it was crazy I can't believe I stuck with it because it was terrible guys then there was a white dude named Bill Bauer and Bill Bauer there was two of them there was Wild Bill Bauer who was really a comedian and there was Bill Bauer

who worked at a motorcycle shop and were the two people or one person there were two different people and regular Bill Bauer was a a great white dude. He was like, if you see American, this guy was really a great white dude.

And from the first time he saw me, he gave me a gig like two nights later in Greeley at the Denver training camp. You know, he just likes something about me. And then he booked a room on Thursdays in Greeley. As soon as you drive into Greeley, it smells like shit.

You never smelled anything like that. Like the cattle in those days, whatever was there, there that smells really bad. So he would send me to Greeley as a feature twice a month. So I would do four, two, and one. I would do seven sets a month. I do seven sets a week now. You know what I'm saying?

I used to do 12 to 13. So for three years, I did seven sets. Because remember, I was at the broker from, I was at the broker from December of 19. to January of 92. And did you think you were working hard when you were doing seven cents a month? I didn't know better. I wasn't committedly.

I was not committed. Sometimes we do things, but we're not committed. We're just doing them until something weird happens. I'll do it a little more when something happens. You know, I didn't have any relationship. with the guys at the Comedy Works because I didn't go down there. I wasn't involved.

I stayed in Boulder. You know, why go into those places? I just didn't bother. So when you don't make friends with those people, you're not going to get committedly. It's that simple. You know, it's like I told you. My friend came down here with his daughter

and I explained to her. You learn acting, watching a fucking movie. Once you do a few scenes back and forth and you get the concept that was going on. And I could explain it to a fucking tart. Like, I could explain it to somebody who's fucking pathetically dumb because I'm dumb. Once you explain that concept, you're off and running. I don't need to see you three days a week to do breathing and to make you fucking do ballet classes

and whatever else they make you fucking do. You follow me? You could work. These guys you see on TV ain't no better than nobody. Half of them didn't even take fucking acting classes, brother. Half of them didn't. Half of them went to them and decided that buddy cast something. You guys would be fucking surprised.

You know, very seldom. All those dudes that really took acting want to do fucking film. You know, the John Taturo's people like that, they focus on film. They got all those character actors like, now he's doing TV because it's dried up. But even Patrick Kelly, the guy that played like Lutero's. 48 hours and he was in a bunch of fucking movies. He wouldn't do TV for years.

But you don't need to act 20, you know, with stand-up. You really got to fucking commit to this fucking thing. Was TV paying as well back then? Because it's crazy to imagine saying no to that much money. Who? Like when the people were saying, I don't want to do TV, the film

actors. Were they paying? It was TV paying $30,000 an episode? Oh, fuck yeah. So yeah, that's crazy to throw that much money away. Fuck, yeah. But they were also pain on those movies too. Yeah, but you can't always be doing a movie. Can you? Yeah, if you're a good character

actor, you could go from movie to movie to movie. I mean, it's if I listen to Lee, when you're out, they want to do business with you. And now you go from project to project to project to project, the dude I did grudge match with that played De Niro's son. He hasn't stopped working.

He was on Walking Dead, that. He did. The movie by Germany with Brad Pitt in the fucking tank. Now they just gave him another role in a series. He's good in that. Sure, he's good in everything he does. That guy's classically trained in New York City or wherever the fuck he's from, Detroit, or wherever he's from Baltimore.

He's classically trained. Like, he trained doing something. If you started getting a lot of roles, would you do that? Like, do it over and over again? Yeah. Absolutely. Who wouldn't want to? I mean, listen, it's fucked up to say this.

That shit gets fucking old, too. Everything gets old when you have the freedom that stand-up has. Sometimes I get a little aggravated with stand-up, and I go, there's nobody behind me. There's no punch clock. There's no fucking nothing. There's no nothing. What am I mad about?

That's got to be the best feeling in the world. There's nobody here with me. I either get on this plane and I don't. I either cancel or I don't I either upgrade or I don't I don't you know I don't I just don't you know you know what I'm saying like who's better than that

I mean I never thought that I would be fucking flying out in the middle of night like a thief to St. Louis never in my wildest dreams Lee I was just killing time and then I got fired from the broker me and the manager from the broker didn't really get along

He was a bar guy The guy that was at the bar For the long time Quit So he was from the outside bar And he came in It's like putting a fucking Christian in a bar

You know The guy that was a bar manager He understood the bar Because he had been in the bar Because he had been in the bar Because for 20 years He had run like a A music thing in New York

The guy was cool He was a Texan guy I became friends with Another opportunity came up And he left So instead of him Replacing this guy With a real bar

guy like seven nights a week where people hang on drink and do blow they replaced them with johnny christian he hated working tuesday nights he had kids so he hated comedy so every fucking tuesday he made complaints you know you guys got to get off by 10 30 you know you're comp and too many fucking drinks and he just kept torture me and torture me and torture me to one night told him the fuck off he said don't come back and then i was stuck and i just like was like what the fuck am I going to do? So I got on a plane, I went to New York for nine months. And even there,

I'm going to get on stage. I went on stage for maybe fucking ten times in nine months. But I realized the work that had to go into and what I had to do. So I made a deal with myself and went to fucking Colorado. And that's how this evolved.

That's crazy. I was scared for three or four years, guys. So was this like the time period that you were like lose all of your possessions. I was just thinking about you moving around all you can't carry all that. I had nothing. Like that must be crazy. Just have a whole life and like what? I had nothing. I had nothing.

I went from to do that life what can you have? A couple of change to clothes? Really? Or I had tons of clothes. Yeah. I'm talking about to do the life that committed to comedy or plumbing or whatever. What more do you need? You know what I'm saying?

Like if somebody's giving you the opportunity To learn a trade, for example If I say to you, Lee, I just got the fucking contract To build 102 fucking, what do you call those homes are the same? McManchance? No, on the fucking property.

You know what I'm talking about? Right, right. Three-bedroom, cookie cutters. The same house. Right, yes. Lee, we're going to build 102 of those things. It's going to take us three years. You know how to build? Not really.

Do you? No. You know how to saw? No. All right. So you're going to start picking up trash. But I'm going to tell you what, at the end of the three years, if you want to, you're going to start at $10.50 an hour union wages. And when you quit, I guarantee you when this job ends, because it's slated for three years. That really means four years. When this job ends, you're going to be making $32 a union carpenter. You're 25 years old. Does this seem? Like something you want to do, or do you want to go to the, you know, to Maine every weekend and party with your retarded friends?

What do you want to do? Now, listen, another thing, Lee, I know you live at home with your mom. You just got your degree. I mean, a lot of good is doing you. You're working at fucking red lobster. What's the name of the place? Sea lobster. Okay?

Leave of seafood. Yeah. So do you want to work with me? But if you work, I want you to know some. We work 724. I don't know nothing about this. This is a project we're trying to make money here. You're going to start at 1050.

After 90 days, you want up to the union, you're going to make 1875. It's going to cost you $500 for the book, but I'm going to pay for it out of my pocket. But understand, at the end of this job, you're going to make $32. You're going to go on to be a fucking great carpent. How old are you now?

You're out of college. At 26, you're going to be making $32 now. Does this seem like something you want to do? As soon as I tell it, or any other kid at 26, that's going to take four years. Every cent's shut down.

Like, as a 26-year-old, four years. For fucking year. Wait a second. So it's going to take me four years. How about three weeks? Like, that's what I wanted. You know what I want? Your counteroffer with life?

Yeah, like, instead of four years, how about three weeks? Because I can pick this up in three. And people look at you, like, and you know what? In reality, for that job after you do two or three houses, you really get good at it. It's just repetitive after that. It's the same piece of wood in the same place, the same measurement, the same cut, the same wall. After the same one, you're going to get really good.

And your labor's going to get better. You're going to move fast. But that doesn't mean you're going to be a great carpenter because you're doing the same fucking work over and over again, which is the same fucking shit. My point being that those things. four fucking years, I can never even consider doing it. Like, I can never consider going out seven nights a week and doing stand-up comedy. And now I look at it and go, if I had to do it, it wouldn't kill me because I'd be local. I'd be at Flappers, ha-ha, the comedy's throwing the laugh factor.

That's like stealing. That's like stealing. If I had to go out every night of the week, I could juggle that. That's easy. but you thought back then that it was impossible impossible impossible my friend because of time because of what commitment

fucking commitment and fear the fear to commit to something the fear to commit in my world in those days at 26th by this time I'm fucking 30 I already got I already went to prison I already got out of jail I already devoured a fucking marriage

and now I'm about to go into the battle of my fucking life, the battle royale with this bitch, and I don't know it. Plus, I'm going to go into the biggest battle of my life, deciding what the fuck I'm going to do. Now I'm single, I got the world by the balls, I've gotten everything behind me. What do I really want to fucking do?

See, that's when I started getting happy again. Right there was where my happiness started coming back. I'm like, wait a second. I don't have to work on the roof anymore. I don't have to do dick. All I have to do is mail this woman, $350 a month. And that's it. By this time, the credit cards were gone.

I couldn't pick up a phone. I couldn't even pick up a pay phone. If I picked up a pay phone, put a quarter on it, and dialed, when I put it, it would ring to a credit agency. No. Yes, it did. They were looking for me everywhere, Lee. For a year, I just did blow, ate pussy,

and did one spot a week, and did fucking, drugs for a year. I don't know how I paid rent. I don't know how I did it. And I went out five nights a week in those days. I would love to know how you paid rent. I would eat valium. I would sell volumes.

I was selling valiums. I was eating volumes. I was eating pussy. I was drinking four or five nights a week. I was snorting fucking coke four or five nights a week. I didn't. I finally got that job in selling neon. That brought me back.

You know what I'm saying? I was selling neon wind, but that was a piece of cake for a guy. I mean, going to a mall, drop off 60 flyers. The percentage is three people going to call you for a close sign and want open signs. It's not a bad game. It wasn't a bad game. It's all about percentages. And then you just got to fucking close them with the percentage.

If you put 100 flyers out there, seven people going to contact you. Maybe five. Guess what? Maybe five won't even contact you, but guess what happened? You put that second hundred flies. down, then 15 people contacting it's fucking crazy, it's the effort, cock-sucking.

I'll tell you what, man, I had a great day today. I had a great week this week. You know, when I get in from a town on Sunday and I got to go out again or any time, I got a notebook that says Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. It takes Thursday through Sunday and I put that fucking greater than sign and that

means I'm on the road and I take the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and I put you know, BJJ, I put kettlebells at 11, I put BJJ, I put podcast, podcast, and then on top I put things I got to do, I got to get blood, I got to call Gordon, I got to call this fucking Jamoke, I got to call this mook, and I write them all down, and as the week goes, I just click, you know what I'm saying? And my goal is when I'm done pretty much Wednesday night, I look at that notebook, and there's a check next to everything. And sometimes you miss a check because you get an audition

or you get, you know, there's a lot of shit you got to add in. You know, last night, on paper, I was doing nothing. This morning I had to run to do voiceover audition.

If you follow me? So who's better than Uncle Joey? Dickie Syatt in the house and shit. Lee's tip-top. He's in shape. He's out there banging it. Oh, yeah. Doing seminars,

putting the podcast gift on the world. He's going to Dubai to work with Tamara. Is they tell you about that? Yes, he did. They're going to send him a plane ticket. He's going to go Dubai. and start a fucking podcast for Arabian princes that want to sling dick

and want to do podcasts on slinging dick and talk about how much money they got. Who's better than you, Lee? You're going to go to Abu Dhabi. They're going to fly you out first class. They're picking you up with a limo on top of a fucking camel. So nothing happens to you. You know what I'm saying?

You ever see that? Did you request that in your reader? I don't have to go back and check. You got to go check that. You want a limo on top of a fucking camel. Is it double camel? That's double. You don't give a...

fuck, it's like a midget camera that was fucked up. They cut its legos and they put roller skates. They put you on ladders and they go on one side and your bodyguard goes on the other and they take you to the fucking thing. Lisa, you're going to have a good time in Dubai. I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you. It's weird how your days go from zero to 100. Real quick. No. It's fucked up how your days. I get into a habit.

I love this habit. I had to do radio. last week. I had the radio that were picking me up at 7.45, which is basically 4.45 L.A. time when you really come to think about it. I did the gig Thursday night, and I set the alarm for, I don't know, 745, 745, I set the alarm for six. People go, why would you set the alarm for six? It's an hour and 45 minutes. what the fuck is it that you do and I ended up, I ended up waking up at 4.30 in the morning by myself.

I make a pot of coffee. I get a pen, I turn the TV off. Nothing gets turned on. Nothing. Silence. Even the cats look at me when I'm home. I have like 10 minutes to cats look at me like, what the fuck, dude?

Do something. You're not putting the music on. You're not writing. So I make myself sit in this silence. Look at leave. Where he is right now. What are you hearing right now? Pilot to Bombardier.

That's exactly what I'm hearing right now. Oh, my God. That's good, Lee. You needed that. You were off training for a couple days. Off training. I did six hours and four or five hundred. When did you do four or five hundred?

Every time. When? Monday? Wait, yeah. How many times are going to confirm shit these people? These people confirm shit more than anything in the world. So I wake up this morning. and I do my regular stuff there

motherfucker I hate this goddamn song You are getting sleepy This is the new Evolution of the future We are one Either you surrender

Or we will come and get you Because that Is the order of orders turn up your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. Do I say it's over?

God's like, you know. That's a great bedtime story. Which one, all that one? Yeah, that story right there. It's over till it's over. Yeah. So it's just weird, Mr. Syatt. For the last two or three,

like for, I've always been getting up at 4.45 and busting a notebook out. But for two or three years, I'd put music on. And I'd put earphones on so nobody can hear me. And I'd be smoking pot and smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. Perfect. This, I figured, let me just turn everything off. And I want to see what my mind is fucking feeling.

I really want to see just my mind this feeling. Like, I've never, I just started doing this. And I got the idea from somebody said that, Denzel Washington would make himself go through every emotion in the mornings. He would force himself. And I thought, how fucking unique is that to force yourself? Who fucking lives like that? You've got time to force yourself to go through every emotion in the morning.

You know what I'm saying? I go through two emotions for you and I got a shit. Those are the two emotions. And I'm hungry. And I'm fucking hungry after that. And then you go in the shower and you balance it out. But this is completely different. This is just to get up, silence.

sit there with a piece of paper and a pen and just see what's coming out. It takes about 15 minutes for you to wake up and get out of the fuzz. And by that time, I'm already drinking a water taking my thyroid pill. I stopped back in to coffee. 20 minutes in, I go outside

and I hit the pipe two or three times just to let them know I'm fucking that. And you paris go? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. There's no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no electronics. Oh, yes, but at 8 o'clock, though. It's not 8 o'clock.

Oh, what time is it? It's 4.45. Okay, good. I lost crap. I go out there. It's dark. It's me and the possum. He looks up at me with his blue little fucking eyes.

I hit the pipe two or three times, and it just exhilarates me. And I sit down, and I finish that coffee. The coffee makes it really hot. And I sit down, and I finish the fucking coffee. And about 45 minutes in, my pen starts writing. And years ago, there was the something's way, the writer's way or something. And they said to get up in the morning and just to dabble, you know, get a notebook and write, I tried that. And it was just a waste of a treat.

I don't want to do that. I want to get it out emotionally on my own and work it out. And I got to tell you what happened. Fucking 35 minutes, 45 minutes. I remember what date it was. What was it? It's February 3rd. So I called the little loops.

He didn't answer. I let them a message. I told him I loved them. Happy birthday to my brother. She's your 50th birthday. And then it's my daughter's birthday. And I got to tell you something. For the last 20 years on her birthday,

I feel terrible about doing stand-up comedy because I had a choice. I had a choice to be a father and fight for what was mine and, I don't know, kind of choose a different path. Or I had to choose this path. And I chose this path. And now I don't have my daughter. So I was very for fucking dirty minutes. My wife doesn't get up until seven.

So from 5.20 till about 6.20, bro, I sat there. Not anger, but I was preparing the speech. I was going to call him and tell it today. Like I go, this is what I need to do. Just to feel better today, I'm going to fucking write a speech out and call him and stick to that speech. don't deteriorate from that speech don't curse because then she could call the police

and don't threaten it just explain to her how I feel you know and it was something like you know I would just tell her happy birthday I called you a year ago

and you didn't fucking ever tell it you know she's not prepared to call me back so you know I just want you to know that you know I can't believe that you would do something like this

you know to somebody you know because the whole time I was the fucking criminal but that you can even sleep at night knowing that you change somebody's idea of love towards somebody else I've done a lot of creepy things but I would never change somebody's doubt on somebody on somebody else you know

just the thought that you live like that you know and someday I'm going to get the creepiness to hire a public investigator and to look for certain things that I still remember and then to get those in the report and to some way get them to my daughter so she can read the truth, you know. And then hopefully she could figure out

the two and two of this story. And now you'll see what it feels like to live how I've lived for 20 years, for some child that doesn't know you, to now know you but not know you, you know. Because at the end of the day, she's just a fucking liar, you know what I'm saying? But she parades herself as a normal human being.

You follow me? I put my heart. on this podcast. Everybody knows every fucking dime I've stolen. I got nothing to hide here. She would never do anything like that because in her world she didn't do anything wrong. Lysayat, you are fucked up, Jack.

Yes, I am. Deep into the murky waters of the underworld. You want to smoke some more, for the balance you out? No. You want the vapor pen to balance you out? No. Why not?

Anyway, so that's how I felt this morning. Oh, my God. Until my wife woke up and I didn't say nothing to my wife. I wouldn't have the balls to say anything to my wife about calling this dirty bitch and going off mildly, not raising my voice and not getting excited. So from 8 to 9, I put myself in a better mood. And I said, I'm going to call her after I go and take it to school. After I get back from Mercy, I'm going to walk. My wife goes to yoga.

I'm going to call her. and say what I have my piece and I'll feel better. And I started thinking about it. And I said, what would me calling her and giving her my game plan? How better would that help me? Me calling her names. How old are my now, you know? And also my phone rang for something and I got amused on the phone.

Then I had to go meet somebody. Then I went to Jitsu. And then I had to go for a voicemail. And then I email somebody. And now it's 9 o'clock. I didn't call him. And I feel fucking tremendous that I didn't. Because what the fuck is a difference?

I got a wife. I got a kid. I got you. I got this fucking Jamalco over here. I love like a son. Look at the shape of time. And that's basically, let's read some fucking sponsors. And let's wrap this motherfucker up until Monday.

That was a good podcast. Lee, thank you for asking questions and shit. Sometimes you've got to talk about this shit. Because, you know, people when I do comedy now last night I did the laugh factory and I was standing

some comic came home and said to me you give me advice you know and he asked me if I was scared and he goes it looks like you've never been scared and that really bothered me because my fear should come through my stand-up you know what I'm saying like that's

what my stand-up is it's based off that's why I go so fast and I yell and get fucking excited you don't yell if you're normal you yell if you're scared, right? When you go to an horror movie, the girl goes a, ah! Right? I never thought about it like that. I guess everyone else, you come off

as aggressive. It's run by fear. It's a fear, if you listen to it. And I don't understand what you mean by that. You have some fear, like, sexually, I guess. I have fears of every glee. Listen to me. I break your balls because if it wasn't for any of this shit, I wouldn't leave

the fucking house. I get food delivered. I wouldn't let son hit I'd wear a cape with pointy fucking shoes all day and yell all this is fucking you know Mexicans in my yard I'd do the same shit as you did

you'd be the best life what he got playing with the old man while you're here we're gonna go get dumplings again with Paul oh Jesus fucking Christ he won't stop with those dumplings have you had those yet no

I read the report I read the hospital reports I say okay anyway Dumplings, a comedy show on Friday. What comedy show you take on that I don't know. I don't know if we're going to do it on Friday, but we'll go, we'll be at one point during the week.

And I'll go see some movies. Yeah, we're going to see Paula. Which one are you going to see you? I don't know. He's seen everything, so I have to find something. Did you see relevant? Revellant. Is it the Revellent? Yep. Yeah, Revellant, yes. Did you enjoy it? It was an

excellent movie. Okay. effects were fantastic. That fucking bear breathes into the fucking god the camera. Right. What does it do to you? I think, you know,

I left there thinking, ah, this may not be an Academy Award fucking winning movie. But today I saw him with the stick in some ad and I'm like, you know what? It wasn't a bad movie. It was a great movie.

I thought it was a great movie. Should he win the Academy Award? I'm not sure yet. I don't know. Listen, let me tell you something. That English dude that puts the wig on, he's a fucking lock. Ain't nobody beating that motherfucker.

Daniel's sister. What's the name of that movie? The fucking chick sister. The guy that fucking puts a wig on that movie with the English actor. Nobody fucking knows now. How do you do this? I have no idea what you're talking about.

You don't know what I'm talking about? No. No, I don't. There's a movie out right now with that fucking English kid that everybody loves. You got a name. nature box over there?

Yeah. Thank you, my brother. You're over there holding out. You see, I'm looking for shit like a pirate. I'm over here looking at this treasure, and nobody says regards to me and shit. Thank you. What is this? Oh, thank you, so you.

You're a good man. No, I thought it was a good movie. It was one of the few movies that held me. My wife fell asleep for about four minutes, but it held me. I like all that Indian shit. Yeah. Killing white people. I fucking love it

and white people killing Indians. and before I went, a couple people told me they wore me that I thought it was a little graphic. I was thinking about him during the movie, how I wish I fucking hit them in the head with a fucking stick or something crazy like that. The movie was a good movie.

It had its moments. Did I pass out or nothing? No, my wife kept looking at me all wheel. Like, you're okay. What do you mean? Am I okay? Have he passed out in movies before? Pulp Fiction.

Oh, when they stabbed them in the heart? Oh, tremendously passed out. 1999 4 fucking passed out like a motherfucker They had to put chocolate in my mouth To fucking wake me up

They had to prop me up In the fucking chair What do you think When you saw the When you saw the stabbing hair In the heart Like what went through your mind Who?

Stabbing who? With the needle Like why did you pass out? That's when I passed out Yeah Do you remember what you were thinking? Well it was I don't know when it was

It was before June of 95. I know that. And I went to watch it with a bunch of, I used to hang out at this place where I used to eat for free. I was a fucking bum. And they would give me free chicken coutlets and free sandwiches

and all the mistakes I could eat at this place called the Deli Zone. And I would hang out with these guys that were from Long Island, Alex Jekal, this other muscle kid. And they were great because this is bolder to land of peace and during a busy fucking Tuesday,

these guys got from behind the counter and had a classic New York City fistfight. So that's what brought the place, notoriety. People started going down and hoping these two clowns were getting to a fist fight every day. The place would be packed. Pathfully, you-hoo's fresh chicken cutlets,

they deep-friam and put them on Italian bread with mayonnaise and salt and pepper and tomato and lettuce and onion if you wanted. Oh, my God. with Swiss cheese, they'd melt it. How much did they cost? Who the fuck knows? What do you think?

I remember what they cost. I ate like 80 of them. You remember everything. I will fucking mooch. I was a mooch. They took care of me. I would clean the counter. I would do deliveries.

I would help you take garbage out and shit. They knew I was a stand-up and they were trying to help me out, man. Those sound delicious, though. Oh, my God. And that's a fucking long time ago. But they were great guys. They were great. What was the point of this fucking story, Mrs. Say?

He paid attention and he was as fucking high as I am. can't ask me that question after the that, the edible and But you look good, that's all that. Is that, I do look good? Tremendous. Oh, good, so I can sit back and just... You're going to take them to the comedy store Friday night? Yeah.

That's the place to go. Where is he going to take them? The UCB Theater and do what? Watch improv and people jump up and down and you got a fake giggle. You know, and they all look at you. Ah! Ah! Ah! And they're, my friends came. You take pictures afterwards. No, take them down to the

comedy store. I got three of those. Cosby pills. Give me one. Maybe he'll eat somebody's asshole. What do you say? We'll let you loose up in L.A. with one of those Persian women. He go home with some chlamydia and a weird monster. Hey, I can stay an extra week. Sure. What the fuck?

You stay on these cats. He loved that. He always says, I hope my dad just stays. He doesn't go back to England. Oh, God. He could just stay with me here in my apartment and hang out. I hear him say that all the time on the podcast you gotta hear him he wants to fucking stay and you him and paula can live together

and be a happy family and shit you come home at night she cooks with both he is it's like what's that show about the mother-in-law Kevin james oh I'm sorry so I always tell he should fix you up with the mother but he should fix you up with the mom we're one big happy family and you move into a nice house and Sherman Oaks, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Or you take everybody down to South Florida which you're fucking taking them for the Florida experience. Bring them down.

How many bedrooms you got down there? Just two. That's perfect. Him and Paula and you and the mother upstairs. She cooks. Will you guys wake up for breakfast, eat some wervos, those ranchos and shit? Lee, boom, boom,

say, like my little balls. Lee, boom, boom, like my little balls. You like when I sing those crazy songs. He told me at 6 a.m. doing that today, by the way. What song did I call you? I don't remember what you did, but he called me and some of it will look like my balls probably. You don't know what the fuck he's talking about near do I.

It's 9 o'clock. The edible's kicked in. It's over 800 milligrams apiece. We broke our own church of what's happening now record. And that's how you do it, people. That's how you bust it up. You just go for you. You attack that motherfucker.

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a toe. Fuck that duck sucker. Anyway, I want to thank Headspace again. I want to thank my main people at NatureBox and my family on it. I want to thank all the shoutouts. Don't forget St. Louis tomorrow night, Friday and Saturday, my birthday, February 19th, and I'm doing a showcase at the Comedy Store. I need all the local support I could get. 224 on a Wednesday night, 8 o'clock show.

I'll have you out of there by 10 o'clock, all right? I want to thank On it, NatureBox, Headspace. I want to thank my little brother, Lee Syriotica, always shit. for making this motherfucker the best show he can make it. Right or wrong. And Dick Siyat. Enjoy your fucking stay here. I am.

With a little pink Floyd on the periscope now to end this motherfucker. And please check out Life in Neutral. It's a podcast that do with a comedian giant rock. You are going to a different dimension now. A dimension of lost. But don't worry. the church or what's happening now will be back Monday night

at 8 o'clock make sure you're here cocksuckers I don't care if you jump off the cliff I don't give a fun of what you do it's over This show is brought to you by NatureBox Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients

And start snacking confidently With NatureBox, visit naturebox.com slash Joey to get 50% off your first box John Cutler I love you, cocksucker Okay. Go to headspace.com slash joey right now and download the free

Headspace app and take their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation. You're not going to say it on, Brian? You're just going to sit there. That's what you're telling me. And of course, I would never forget

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