The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #354 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Danny B.

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

Danny B. Sports betting expert and childhood friend of Joey calls in to Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt.   This podcast is brought to you by: Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Ring: Go to ring.com/church to get Free expedited FedEx shipping Recorded live on 02/08/2016.


This show is brought to you by ClubW. Don't ever come home to a wine-free home again. Just go to clubw.com slash Joey to get 50% off of your first order. That's right. Right now, ClubW is offering our listeners 50% off of your first order when you go to ClubW.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Ring. With Ring Video Doorbell, you're always home.

Our listeners get free expedited FedEx shipping when you go to Ring.com slash church. That's a ring.com slash church. And the show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use co-word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain and New Mood. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Good morning. Uncle Joey direct with his main man, Lee Syatt, ambassador to Jewish fucking enterprises Monday, February 8th.

It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Lee Syatt, talk to me, you bad motherfucker. Oh, my God. I had a crazy work. I've never, we've been talking about doing other stuff to get, to get my body, like, shocked, I guess, because I've been doing the elliptical for so long. And Steve Simone and his buddy brought me to the gym yesterday. Yeah. The great guy. Everybody says he's nothing but great things about it. Oh, well, there's Robert Oberst, the really big guy. Right. Who this guy works with Mike Pye. He owns Freakware. It's a bodybuilding company. Okay. And they brought me and I did squats. I've never done any of that. And so it's really, it's scary. After they have me to do.

Well, we did squats. That was the majority of what we did. We did squats on the regular one, and we did, like, five or six sets of that. And then what really killed me, though, was we, like, I got, I went up to, like, the highest that I could do. And then we went way down and did, like, 20 reps, which is really hard. And then we did, like, this circuit thing where some of us were doing dumbbell curls, the one where you raise the plate up to your side

and then when the one person was doing when you pull in, I don't know what the, I don't know what the, I don't know what, see that's how. It's okay. It's okay. Listen, man, you got, as long as you did it and you went down there and you did it with somebody who knows, you don't get hurt, and now you could do it on your own.

Yeah. You do it a couple times. Absolutely. And now you can do it on your own. That's all that matters, because you really have to switch it up, you know. And I was telling them, because they were, they were being very nice to me, And they were like, oh, you're doing great and all that.

And I was like, I haven't been good at one single physical thing in my life ever. And so anytime anyone says something like that, like even in jiu-jitsu, when anyone gives me a compliment, I feel like they're messing with me a little bit. Even though I know they're not, I've just always been terrible at every. So it's, it's nice to get, to be with people who are positive about it. And like, you can actually have fun working. Like, I've never had, I used to think people were crazy when they said they had fun working out. Anybody who knows anything about anything knows that the biggest compliment you could give yourself is when you go take care of yourself. It's when you're a good friend to yourself.

Everybody's always worried about other things. So there's a big understanding in the gym, jujitsu, karate. If it's a real school and you're dealing with real people, they should come up to you after the class and look at you a certain way. and go, hey, brother, it means a lot that you're here today because I'm skinny and I'm in shape, but I look at you and I want to help you. That's a real thing. When I told you about Christy Miller, Christy Miller is a comedian, a dear friend of mine from the comedy store that moved to New York,

but Christy worked at the gay goals. Oh, the gym, right, okay. And Christy was very nice to me, and you've had those people that tell you you need to work out, without telling you. Christy was that person in my life. And before any, like, Rogan would say it to me from time to time, but Christy was really the first person that said, hey, man, I'm going to give you a free membership to goals before I leave.

And she gave me one. And it took me about a month to go down there. And I would go down there, and they were all gay men. Now, guys, I could handle myself. I, you know, I think I can and whatever. When I got to that gym, I found a different type of love there. Yeah, every once in a while there was a creepy guy that came over and said something to me. But besides that, there were guys that were big guys.

The big of the guy, he'd come over and go, hey, man, I've been watching you. I'm really happy that you're here. And if you need any help, come over. I'll squat for you. I'll help you. That's when you know. That's what makes you go back to the gym. It really, and it makes you go back and it makes it time go back quicker.

That's the worst part about the elliptical. Here's the deal. I'm going to tell you a big secret. that a lot of people don't know. When you do anything you don't want to do, the fun starts in your head. If there's anything I learned from Joe Rogan is that he used to always tell me

I have fun before you go on stage. I would look at that fucking, like, what the fuck are you talking about? A million other comics. And a million people will tell you to have fun. And for years, I turned it into this mix mask. Sometimes I would have fun. Sometimes I would be all businessy.

Sometimes I would take it all serious. nothing happens, especially when working out. And take it from me, man, I would go to that jiu-jitsu and dread it. Yeah. But on the drive, if I told myself, I was going to have fun. Like when you were a kid to have that feeling that you were going to amusement park or to a movie or some chick was going to let you see her titty, I take my mind there. And when I walk into those places now, it becomes fun.

Right. It becomes fun before I walk in the door, which people don't do. people look at it is oh this is going to be hard oh it's even me with the needles absolutely right yeah you're working up in your head yeah I would work it up oh my god Lee I could tell you on a hand how many times I went down to wax list the first time I went to wax was right for a physical I took the finger in the ass I took the lung x-rays I took the piss test I took everything else when it came time to take the blood I got up and left and listen to I talked myself into going back the following Monday.

Like, I walked, like, you follow me? Like, I was embarrassed. Like, I walked down there and I said, okay, give it to me. So there's been times before that where I pulled up and I would leave. When I went for the sleep at me, I walked in there like a fucking, like a Vietnam vet dog. I wouldn't even talk to him. I kept saying, there better not be a needle involved. And he's like, there's no needles involved.

All you have to do is take a sleep test. And so, but once I started looking at it with the music and nothing's, going to happen it's going to be fun I just go down there now I breathe and I walk in there and no matter how fun it is I start giggling just out of like I start gigling I start giggling you know when I do those warm-ups at Jiu-Jitsu sit-ups you know listen they make you do like 20 jumping jacks which we've been doing jumping jacks all our lives right you know 20 jumping jacks 20 squats and then 20 push-ups by the time you get to sit-ups the fourth exercise you can't fucking breathe

So I figured out if I lay my head flat, I let my neck open. Oh, yeah. So it breathed. So I let that, and now I giggle. And sometimes I pull myself up and sometimes I don't. But every time I go to a class, I pull myself up one more time. Do you know what I'm saying? So I'm up to like eight sit-ups now without just stopping.

Because then you start all over again. You go back to jumping jacks, back the sit-ups, back the push-ups, back the squats. Oh, God. Then you do triangles by yourself. Then you do something else. you do a fucking pretty good warm-up. And there's times I've been back there sweating my balls off. I'm going to be sweating my balls off today.

It's 80 degrees here in L.A. And especially in the key. Do you find that you're not having to force yourself, like be in a good mood now for J-J-2? Like, for the first couple times, you probably have to force yourself. Oh, my God. But now it just happens? No, I know that every time that I go, I'm going to get better.

I've learned from comedy that all you've got to do is keep going. Keep going. You're going to get roughed up. Keep going. And the more you get roughed up, the better you're going to get it something. The more you get roughed up in the beginning, the more you say, fuck it, I'm quitting. That means you've got to stay another day and watch what happens. Because I don't want anybody for at any time to look at me and go, oh, my God, he didn't want, fuck you. There's one thing I did, and I worked on this shit. I worked on stand-up.

I really, really knew that that was the focus. Like sometimes when you realize that hip escapes or the focus of Jiu-Jitsu, you just want to do hip-escapes all fucking day long because you know it's the backbone to Jiu-Jitsu, it's the backbone to your cardio. Can you imagine just doing hip-escapes for an hour? How come the backbone is never easy? How long would it take you to be good if you did hip-escapes for an hour three times a week?

Two weeks. You stop, you breathe, and you did them again, and you stopped it. I thought about that. Just going to a gym one day and just doing sets of hipascapes. I'm sure if we went right now to John Bud and what like didn't even take the class just said can we just be over here I'm gonna do hip ascapes until I puke he would die it'd be a great it'd be great one hour of hip escapes There's no better shape than that and then after like six weeks you just do 30 minutes hip escapes and just roll for 30 minutes

You lose a hundred pounds if you look at it from that Yeah, 12 weeks for three times a week you did that you would lose a hundred pounds If you just did your calorie thing on my calorie.com. Oh, yeah. I can't even imagine how many calories you'd burn doing that. And for people who don't know, it's a hip escape as you lay in your back and you're just pivoting your hips, I guess, up towards your head. And then you literally, the first time I saw it, I couldn't believe it, but you literally move up and down an entire floor just on your back. And it's just, it's killer.

You know, let's talk about something that's the obvious. It's the elephant in the room. because even I I mean I fell asleep yesterday I'm getting older guys and the plane rides are fucking killing me they're fucking killing me

Lee you know I could tell I can't do three weeks in a row no more I don't mind doing two weeks in a row but then I got to take some time off you know at least you know though

I've cut my schedule down I had to I had to because it affects the podcast Sundays I'm wiped like yesterday I couldn't even think last night like my wife even said something to me last night she goes where you've been all day I'm dead.

Jesus. You know, and this week I had the problem of insomnia. Oh, you couldn't sleep? So I kept waking up. Yeah, and they had a great shower. So I would just lay in the shower for two hours and let the hot water hit my face. And sometimes I would sleep.

Sometimes I would just think of material. Sometimes I would just think of different things. I didn't really sleep well. I ate tremendous. One thing St. Louis has is good food and fucking cheap. Dog, like I said, I had some salmon with some wasabi. That motherfucker was solid, Jack. And the salad they were building me,

nice lettuce, tomato with onions, delicious. All the hotel? All at the hotel. I had a nice breakfast, had a little corned beef hash with two eggs, wheat toast, and oatmeal. Light. Very nice. Very, like a half a cup of oatmeal ash. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

I'm trying to really get it back. I got to get down at 260. I got to make my head look really big, but it's weird. I got back from the thing yesterday about 10. I went home, and I did my usual stuff. I got my laundry ready for the week. and all that stuff. And then my wife came home

and I played with the baby and about 1.30, I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it at 12. Yes, I was ready to go to sleep. I wanted to play with the baby a little while and joke around with it. And I took an app. I'm 1.30 and when I got up,

the Super Bowl was already on. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And when I looked at it, it was 10-0. Now, I knew it was going to be under. I knew it was going to be under. You know, people always say, oh, it was two great defenses.

Listen, I got a bad, I got a bad news for you. It takes a good offense to get to the Super Bowl. but it takes a better defense to get to the soup. That's what they always say defense wins. Defense wins champion. End the story.

And what makes a good defense? These guys have been playing together. So they know each other's capabilities. They know they trust each other. It's a real, it's not just a team that got built overnight. No, Denver's been playing together for a couple. They're scary. Denver's defense is secure.

They're scary. That one guy on the end that kept. Von Miller? No, the other guy, 94. Where? Yeah. DeMarcus Ware? DeMarcus Ware.

It's very scary, but I'm watching this, and I'm like, you know, how didn't I see this? First off, this started in 1983. This Super Bowl? Like, what do you mean? Everything that happened yesterday culminated back to me from 1983. When I moved to Colorado in 1983, April, 83, it was July, August, September. It was Elway's first season. By the way, the 30-30 was on the other night when I got.

I got home about the 83 draft with Kelly. That was a great one. And my Marino didn't get drafted. Marino was unblown. Everybody knew it. And the word had gotten out. But, you know, I was in Colorado. And I would work during the week.

But on the weekends, I would paint for VPM, Valley, whatever. And one of the guy was, would invite us over to his house. He was an original Colorado guy. Big jerk off. Not a bad guy, but he was a jerk off. He wore fucking those urchews. Big jerk off. He smoked a pipe.

and him and his wife discussed how much weed they would smoke every week. I came from a different society at that time, but he was nice enough to have me and my buddy Jimmy Berkel got rest of his soul to his house on Sundays and we watched football. And I remember that this guy never played even hopscotch in his life. You could see that this guy had never played a sport in his life. And what really pissed me off every time I went to his house to watch a Bronco game is how much he would put Elway down.

He just hated Elway? Yeah. Oh, my God. They hated fucking Elway. Why? He was a rookie, and they weren't, you know, people expect all these high expectations of you when you first fucking start you. Hold on, let me hit this motherfucker. Speaking of that 30 for 30, that was crazy.

Just the same agent had Elway and Marina. So, you know, every time I go over there, he'd throw a fit on Elway. You know, and then Alway didn't win. And then one thing led to another, I never thought Elway again. I went back to New York and started doing more. drugs and you know gave less of a fuck about football and I already did you know in 85 I moved back to Denver and I don't know how I felt about the Broncos then I don't know whatever it wasn't till I'm I escaped Aspen Thanksgiving of 86 that I

went to Boulder with my now ex-wife and I was at a mall one Sunday and it was the Sunday when he went off against Cleveland, John Elway. In 86. And I said to myself, Jesus fucking Christ, that kid that everybody hated four years ago, look at him now, you know? I was at the old Crossroads Mall.

And listen, the TVs were on in the hallways, and everybody in the mall was watching it. If you were going to rob that mall, it was then. It was amazing. Elway did the comeback, and he brought him, marched him from one side of the field to the other. It was brilliant to watch. And in the back of my mind, I was like, wow, the guy that this guy would put down, look at them.

And a couple weeks there were going to a soup bowl against the fucking giants. And I was living in bold and I was working in a car wash. I just got a job of the car wash as a fucking shagger. You know the shagger is Lee? No. It doesn't sound good. Pretty much they just piss and shit all over you. You got to wash cars for customers.

You got to clean the bathrooms. You got to take people back to their, to their. their jobs, you know, after they've dropped their cars off, you do all shit work. And they would pay me nothing. It was $800 a month, and I worked 60 hours a week. Jesus Christ. The boss was from New York, and he was all excited about the Giants. And I remember going, wow, all these people live here and they don't cheer for the Broncos.

But was I wrong? I remember going to a Super Bowl party and them getting killed. The Giants killed them. The giant. Fucking Phil Sims went 23,000. for 25 against him. Phil Sims was the worst quarterback ever. And he has a legendary fucking game against him.

They matched him up yesterday. With Gary Kubiak, right? That was, he was the backup for Denver. So I used to, in 87, I used to go to a bar and get Coke across the street from my house. Okay. Before. So they lose, they lose the Super Bowl. And for some reason, man, I lived there and I wanted to just, I don't know, I wanted

to be a part of something. Yeah, why not? Then they went back again the next year and they lost again. I don't know, against two, I can't sit here and tell you stats. But I still remember being in a bar in 87 on a Sunday across from where I lived, right before I got arrested for kidnapping, maybe weeks before I got arrested for kidnapping. And their special was the trout, Armandine, delicious, with mashed potatoes and a salad and like a beer for 1799 or something.

I don't know what it was. And I remember being over there, and they kept yelling, put in Kubiak. put in Kubiak. So here's these two guys that in 1987 were losing and playing together. One was a quarterback and the other one was his backup quarterback.

And I guess the Broncos, I don't know, went on to lose two or three fucking Super Bowls. They were like the fucking, they were like the bills before the bills or during the bills. There was either the bills or the Broncos getting beat up. I don't know the history exactly.

I'm not that much of a fucking sports. but I do know that they were bad. And then, again, I got into comedy more and more, and I forgot, and all of a sudden, I got invited to a Super Bowl party at some jerk-offs house here in Hollywood. And we went, and it was when they played Green Bay, and the Broncos won the Super Bowl.

And John Elway was just phenomenal. I got to tell you, I cried. But it took him, you know, I don't know how many fuck, 83 to, I don't know when, to win the fucking Super Bowl. and in that thing he lost three times where guys like me would have quit after I lost three Super Bowls I wouldn't be here talking to say I'm embarrassed to even show my face

I take my millions and buy a house with no windows you know what I'm saying and just a vent have people bring me food I wouldn't leave the house after three times you would think so is that what they lost three Super Bowes I mean I fucking don't know it's either three or four something horrific that's crazy like the Minnesota Vikings

with Frank Clarkington you know machine gun Kelly to lose three times Which one was the game where he did the helicopter? Like they hit him, and then he did the helicopter spin into the end zone. Cool, Elway? Yeah. I don't know.

He's so, it's crazy for me now with Brady because I can see him getting towards the end of his career. It must be like what, you saw Elway from the time he was a rookie, and now he's the president of the Broncos. From the fucking Broncos. So here it is. So here's these two guys that lost three Super Bowls together and then ended up winning with. not working oh no I think I think okay I don't know really want to see I really want to tell the story to people because this is what I saw yesterday I'm watching this going wow how the fuck did I miss this if I would have remembered this I would have sold this

information I would have told people this and the Broncos are a fucking lock getting given whatever the fuck they're given because let me tell you something this has been building for 30 fucking years so they took all their experience and they got one of the or the best quarterback in the league you know I love it. Brady but it's the truth they got one of the best or the best quarterback and they nurtured him and even though the guy was fucking hurt we discussed right yeah yeah yeah the guy was fucking hurt they figured out a way how to win games squeak by games and then bring them back in game whatever eight I 17 that he was out for like

half the season he I mean he's been hurt when they when they brought him to Denver they're like his neck might not be that great but the defense was amazing like That was the difference, I think, because Ron Miller was hurt last time they were in the Super Bowl. I mean, I hated Peyton Manning. I hated him as a growing up when he was with the Colts. But I was happy. Like, he, that was how you're supposed to end a career. 200 wins, winning the Super Bowl.

I was really happy. It was amazing. Him and his brother are both in the league. They're synonymous with NFL the last 15 years. Oh, my God. You mention whatever their fucking names are. You know, people from Tennessee are excited. Yeah.

You know, he owns that pizza company. Oh, that, that piss me off. Did you see that? What? Literally the first shot after the Super Bowl is over is paid manning kissing the Papa Johns guy. I didn't see that. You know, I didn't really watch the game.

I left it on. I was playing with Mercy in the bedroom. I was riding. I would listen to it. Then I would go on and watch two plays. But I noticed that the defenses were on. Once I saw the defenses were on, I love the under. And if anybody that's listening to this,

to see me in Charlotte. I told you, motherfuckers. You never see a bookie with a part-time job. I didn't know about the fucking who's going to win the game. But I love the under because Denver didn't get to where they got with him missing that much without a dominating defense. Dominating means that they break you. And then the shit quarterback that they do have or the guy that's covering for Peyton,

all he has to do is put up two scores. Right. But the over under, I think, was like 55 when I saw it. They were sucking you in. I knew the other. I thought it was going to be over. I would be over a thousand times. No, no, because first all, the defenses were good.

You're not going to be throwing the ball up in the fucking air because you're going to get picked off. You're going to get picked off. In the Super Bowl, you've got to be careful with the air attack. It's got to be minimal and very... The quarterbacks that win the Super Bowl sims against the Broncos, 23 for 25. You have to have an amazing... Everything has to win. work right there. You can't. There's no room for, because if you start getting intercepted

and they read it, you're going to have a long day. If you look at the history of Super Bowls, who started getting intercepting early that think that they fucking air core real and start bombing at you. So I knew that Peyton Manning, he's 30, he's 40. What do you think he's going to do? He's going to go out there and throw a bunch of darts. No, I knew that it was going to be a 24-something game, 21-something. It was going to be somebody and somebody wasn't going to get it together. somebody was going to get shut down. I didn't know, I didn't tell you it was going to be a no-43-44 game. I thought it would be at least 30-something.

No way, no fucking way. Let's say Cam Newton went off. Right, yeah. Let's say Cam Newton threw 24 and Buddy threw seven and they got a field go. That's still under. And that could possibly be. And I looked at it from the other way. What if Cam Newton doesn't go off and homie goes off?

What's the homie going to go off for? Two touchdowns. Right. Maybe three. They had one offensive touchdown for the majority of the game yesterday until the very end. The Super Bowl is completely different. You know, the Super Bowl is where your secret weapon always shines. There's a secret weapon that you don't see when the fucking Giants played Buffalo that year is where you see the genius.

I love seeing the genius of a fucking team. I don't like just seeing passes and people jumping up and down. and coming out. I want to see the genius. I want to see the genius. When I watch New England, I see the genius of that team. And then when he's got plenty of time to throw the ball and he sits back and he's just Benikoski up the middle and, you know, who throws the ball down the middle at you?

With a guy like that. Because no one's going to stop him. But that was our issue this year's. We didn't have everything. But Denver had that, I think there's a secret weapon was just that defense. Like I couldn't believe, like, Cam Newton is, like Tom Brady isn't known for running around that much. Cam Newton's known for it, and they were just swarming them. Swarming them.

Swarm them. And if you really think about it, the Super Bowls are about defense. But so my point being that these two guys took their quarterback knowledge. And as a team, they thought together, listen, if we get the quarterback, we could squeeze them. How many Super Bowls would you win that? Just one. He went to two. He just won one, though.

But I got the Elway thing up. So you want me to go through his time as a Bronco? Yeah, go, go, go. Just so you see the experience, what happened yesterday. What happened yesterday started in 1983 as a quarterback. His performance, you know, Kubiak being behind Elway, this is fucking brilliant. This is fucking brilliant. Okay, so that he was there for 15 years, 83 to 98.

Listen to this. They won five AFC West championships. three AFC championships, and then they went to three Super Bowls, Super Bowl 21, 27, and, I'm sorry, 22 and 24. And they won 24. That's crazy. So they lost two Super Bowls. Right. Yep, they lost the Giants and Super Bowl 22.

And the Redskins. Yeah, the Redskins, and then they beat the 49ers. And who else? How many championships of Elway win? One or two? All I'm seeing is one. Yeah. He retired following the 88 season.

Okay. 98. Right, right. Sorry, yeah, 98. Jesus Christ. You're reading it and you're fucking love for the love of Christ. What am I going to do with you guys? Who knows?

But that's what I saw yesterday. I saw something that started 30 fucking years ago. That they knew exactly how to win a Super Bowl. They had both been, you know, Kubiak and Elway had been the three fucking Super Bowls together, plus the one Payton Man. one that he lost. Yeah. And I didn't think about this before the game.

Like, that was something I just neglected to even think about that I realized yesterday why it was 10 to fucking nothing, you know? Well, I think this was big for him because he traded, he traded away like the number one pick. And they had Tebow, remember a few years ago? And they brought Manning in. If Manning came in and didn't win a Super Bowl, it probably would have been a waste. So Tebow got drafted by the Broncos.

This is how bad my memory is. He got drafted in the first round by the guy who's actually our. Offensive coordinator. He went to Denver to be the head coach, drafted Tebow in the first round, and he was gone like half a year later. They hated him. But yeah, and Tebow actually brought them to a playoff game, which is weird. But yeah, he hasn't played since Manning went to the Broncos.

Wow. He keeps signing on with a few teams. He played with the Jets a little bit. He played with the Patriots for like a preseason, but he hasn't done anything. So how long has Manning been with the Broncos? I think three or four years I can check it Yeah that's it

Check it out for sure That's it I didn't know that See this is the show I don't know I thought he was there a couple years No No I know he was out of year with neck surgery Yeah he was that and that was his last year in Indianapolis

Oh And they took him They took him when he was bummed and hurt and shit Indie got rid of him Right yeah yeah Indie got rid of him And that's when Andrew Luck came in Let me see where he came in here

Yeah he played into This is interesting. This is really, I didn't know all this. I thought I had been there like six seasons. No, he started in 2012. So I guess this is four. Wow. Wow.

Yeah, he just, he went there. Yeah, I got to stop smoking refa. I really got to stop smoking refit. My time lapse is getting worse and worse. Well, that just happens when you get older. He went there to win a Super Bowl. That's the only reason he went there. And the first year he was there.

They went to the Super Bowl. Yeah, I think he, that was at the year probably against Seattle. Because last year was us against Seattle. No, it was probably the second year. Because I think it was two years. ago that he went against Seattle. Something like that. I can look it up, but yeah, they went just for that.

It's pretty, I was thinking, do you, and I was thinking about the Super Bowl, how it really is important for, like, the quarterback and everybody to be on the same page and how a good quarterback can get fucked up. Is there ever, like, a show like that for you, like a comedy show that has, like, you have all that pressure that you could be doing great, but it's a huge room or something that's just, and then it just doesn't go with it? well always always lee always i had five good shows in charlotte i go to st louis thursday night

i ate two stars or three stars i teamed up with joy fallado i started talking shit and i took away from my focus my set was mediocre you know friday early my set was mediocre i didn't really get the patois the room until friday night late and then saturday night late and then saturday early in my world was one of the best shows I've done since I taped the CD. Wow. Is it because that room was a new room and who took a few shows to get used to it? No, no, no, no. It's just me. It all, you know, I had a lot going on in my head. Sometimes you're not focused. You're not settled. You know, sometimes when you're getting beat up in

jiu-jitsu, you have to do what? You have to pull back to the guard. You have to pull that guy back to your guard and get your breath and hold them there for a minute. It's the same thing with stand-up. There's a point where... You have to take it right back to it. And sometimes I go up there and I go off script. Like not script, but I go a little too crazy. And then I got to reel them back in a certain way. And sometimes I can't get the words together.

I got too high or too high on edibles. And sometimes you can reel them back in. And that's 20 years. That's the 20-year experience that a lot of people can understand. Because it was crazy because Cam Newton was 15 and 1, was blowing people out. blowing people out. And now... And that's the problem.

That's what I don't like, that you can't lose in the playoffs. Right. So that's why I like the New England Patriots. They always lose the last two games of the season. Yeah, and they always know. Because you can't win all the time. No.

I'd rather you go into that shit with a loss somewhere, like season 16, like game 16, then go 15 and 1. Yeah, that's what happened to the Patriots against the Giants. I fucking hate that shit. I want the feeling of losing, so it never happens again. The Niners in 83, when they beat Dallas or 82, whatever year that year, the reason why they were so good is because they lost,

they won the first 11 games or something, and they lost game 12 against fucking New Orleans and New Orleans, which they always lost. Montana couldn't beat New Orleans Saints. So next thing you fucking know, they were, you know, 16 and 1. won the Super Bowl. They were lost one game before they went into that playoff stretch. Because if you're losing the playoffs, you're fucked.

Oh, that commercial last night, the giant, the Super Bowl babies with the Giants, I still get upset thinking about that, that helmet catch. Because when we were 17 and 0, fucking one quarter, one, less than a quarter away from going to the Super Bowl. And it's just, it's, what always pisses me off about Brady is that he goes for like the long ball.

I think way too much. And I think that happened to Cam Newton yesterday where he was throwing, like they said, he was throwing too hard, like that Ted Ginn couldn't catch it a couple times. When you're, and I'm sorry that I keep trying to bring it back to comedy, but it's just interesting how like if you, if you try

too hard. Everything, comedy, the UFC, football, basketball, like if you reach for it. You know, an NBC show, a talk show, you know, let me tell you something. You and I are having a great time, you know. Right. Now, this is a great time.

It's you and me, a camera, two pictures of you, a flag, some cameras, we got water in here. What if? What if I put 35 people in here right now with fucking power booms and mics and cameras and three agents over there and your three agents looking at you, taking notes, waving at you, and three more agents and the fucking yoga teacher and your psychic mystic and your parents, how would you just show be different? It'd be totally different. It'd be totally different, okay?

So here's fucking Carolina, Cam Newton and the team. The fucking great team. I watched that, you know, bits of that game against St. Louis. The defense was phenomenal. He was fucking phenomenal. I've caught bits and pieces, replays, ESPN, whatever, Cam Newton.

I know who the fuck Cam Newton is. But let me tell you something. The Super Bowl week, something else happens. Okay, and I was thinking about it yesterday. Here your team is down 10-0. What was halftime? It was somewhere like, it was close to that. I'll check.

Okay, let's pretend it was 10 to 3. No reason for you to check. Let's pretend it was 10 to 3. You're running into, you're the head coach of Carolina. You're running in, you've got to stop to give an interview. Do you know how much you want to give an interview at that point in your life?

Zero. I hate that interview. Okay, you know how much? Do you understand me? So when you go to a fucking Super Bowl now, it's, your mind is on the Super Bowl, but if one percentage of this,

the cameras, interviews, it becomes something else. You know, I've said it a thousand times. When Rhonda Rousey got kicked on the head and she went down, when she was kneeling there and they were asking her questions, she wasn't in pain from the kick. She'd been kicked before. She'd been thrown before.

She was realizing all the things she hadn't done. Right, all the distractions. All the distractions, all the things you haven't done. How easy it is to get distracted. You know, I get 15. office a week to be on different podcasts, and I love to do them more. The reason why I don't do them is because they take away from my podcast and their distractions. I love to help people out, but if it takes away from our podcast, I can't really fucking do it. I love to do Joe Rogan's podcast every month.

I can't because it takes away from what we're doing. I wouldn't know that unless I got kicked in the head 80 times. Yesterday, you said to me, why don't we do a podcast tomorrow and I because I have a fucked-up week because of Marit. We would have done a podcast last night. We would have had to delete it. Like we deleted two other ones this year because we did them in a hurry. My head wasn't clear. I never want to come in here in a bad state.

And, you know, Super Bowl week is two weeks away, which I fucking hate. Two weeks. They have all that stupid interview stuff. Two weeks. And who doesn't start shooting videos and who doesn't start doing, you know, very few teams. You know, when the Chicago Bears played the New England Patriots in 80s. something and they beat them a thousand to three that year. I remember they put out like a video of them dancing.

You know, of the Super Bowl shuffle. I'm like, look at these guys. But maybe being that relaxed got them to win. There was such a dominant team that being that relaxed. It's like the documentary about the Niners when they were marching downfield. And Joe Montana said, hey, isn't that the act of John Candy up there? And they all stopped and looked at them. They took their mind off the game.

It's two weeks That's got to be hell That's like if you said to me Joey You're going to shoot your special in New Orleans HBO Theater the whole fucking thing But you gotta go down there two weeks before Can't be around

You can't be around your family Unless you fly him down You know Guess what? That special is not going to work for a guy like me No Because I'm not going to be grounded I need to be grounded I like being home

I like playing dad. I like talking to my friends from high school for breakfast. I like calling Timmy on Monday mornings, you know? Danny B is going to call up. You, that's what keeps me grounded. You imagine if I had to go down there and do radio every day and not do my little spots at the store and not do my little spots at the ha-ha.

It would be a different special. I know as soon as the lights came on. The same thing that happened to me when I did Vegas. I wasn't prepared. Wasn't prepared. There you have it. Did it ever happen? Fuck here it happens.

And that's what makes you better at what you do. Cam Newton's going to win a Super Bowl. Oh, yeah. Maybe not next year, but in three years. Next year, people are going to go to free agency, whose feelings aren't going to get hurt, who didn't get the ball thrown at them, you know, because then you involved that shit.

Yeah, we're going to come back and them white holes are going to suck my dick. That's a long plane ride home to fucking Charlotte. Could you believe the guy? I think it was a Denver guy who got arrested with his brother, like two nights before, at a motel in San Jose with prostitutes. Did he play? No, they sent him home.

He was a practice squad guy. They said it wasn't him, but I don't know. I think his brother just took the fault. But a couple nights before, they've had that all the time where people go out before and they don't get to play in the Super Bowl. That's unbelievable to me. How you, like, did you ever do, did you ever have to cancel a gig because you got too fucked up the night before? I don't remember, but I can't imagine going down there and getting busted in the sting.

You know, Super Bowl Week, HBO did the whole thing about Super Bowl Week, and what happens to a town? What happens to an area? You know, it gets bombarded with hookers, pimp, you know, focus is about pickpockets that go to the fucking Super Bowl. Oh, they just go just for the Super Bowl. Oh, my God, that's crazy. They pickpocket people, people walking around with camera lenses, taking pictures, tons of money, gambling. You know, there's shit fucking going on in Super Bowl Week. I went to two of them, man.

It's overwhelming. It was overwhelming for me that the second time I left. But I leave all the time. I don't like that many fucking people in one place. But it was very fucking overwhelming. I can't imagine for the player. For the tourists, a guy, six guys go down there. They see hot chicks, their hookers.

But didn't fucking Warren Sap get arrested during the Super Bowl? Yeah, last year. He's done or the NBA playoffs or fucking something. They got in trouble for fucking something, man. They're down there. That's what those hookers are down. They're all the hottest hookers. Like the hottest bitches that get three, four, five hundred an hour here,

they go down there because that's where the paper's at. That's where the guys that want to cheat on their wives and want to eat ass and get their balls lit on fire. That's where they're at. It's amazing how we always hear, and you said about how the economy's down. But I can't imagine being a hooker who's like, fuck it. It's a Super Bowl.

Let's go up there and get a hotel room. And just make tons of money. Like, oh, we got a call coming in. What's up, my brother? You tell me, Coco. Nothing. How are you feeling, buddy? Oh, oh.

A little bit of a lovable, but coming around, coming around. What were you drinking last night? My usual, gray goose and fresca. You remember fresca soda? Fuck you. I love fresca. Yeah, you throw a little gray goose in that. Nice.

You know, I found out years ago when I ran out of the mix at 2 in the morning. I said, let me try some fresca. I was on a bender that night. And I haven't stopped since then, but it's fresca and gray goose every night. How are you feeling, man? Good to hear from you. How are you feeling these days? Good to hear from you?

Yeah, everything's good, man. Everything's good. Had a little Super Bowl thing last night. Had a Mario Cantone's buddy, his brother here, Joey. Okay. What a character, man. He'd lost like 30 grand last night on it. It's fucking nuts.

So let me ask you this, too. what did the line start at? Well, actually, it opened up at four, and it shot right up to six, then back down to five and a half. Right, when I was in Charlotte two weeks ago, the line was six, and what was the over and under? 45, 45 and a half. It closed at 43 and a half, though.

So the money was on Carolina for sure and on the under. But if you noticed, like, I don't know, an hour or two before the game, the line dropped down. to four or four and a half. So some of the smart money came in last minute. That just cleaned up. I mean, this was a big win for them. I was just looking at some of the numbers.

But my boy Joey got beat up, man. Watching him was better than watching a Super Bowl. He does his oxy-contons, his shots of Jack Daniels, just watching him lose $30-something thousand dollars in propositional bets. You know, not even the game. Who's going to score, how many sacks, all that shit? It was like pretty common. But anyway, everybody's good, pal.

How about you? It's so funny how I was telling Lee in hindsight, you know. The real big gamblers just bet the fucking game or a total. Like, I love the undersets. On stage, I said it in Charlotte. I go, I don't know about the fucking game. But if you were going to make money on this game, the under, you could bet it and go to sleep and wake up and make the call and collect.

Because both the defenses are good. And even if Cam Newton would have gone off, he wasn't going to go off three or four touchdown. They don't want to throw the ball that much. They get intercepted. And the other guy's an old man. He ain't throwing no fucking four or five touchdowns. The other guy will put two touchdowns up and two field goes,

and they're trying to squeeze it out. So defense had to be the fucking key. I couldn't believe when I, and I was telling me that this started, if you know anything about anything, this started in 1983 when Elway through his first ball for Denver. Like, I'm watching this yesterday. I'm going, Jesus Christ, how did I miss this?

This guy's the president of the fuck. team. The Kubiak, who was his backup quarterback, is the coach of the fucking team. And they got the best quarterback, or one of the best quarterbacks are all time now on the team, and they're winning a Super Bowl with the wisdom that these two fucking horseheads got since 1983.

I was sure. He is a horse head. Yeah, he's a horse head. And Kubiak, I mean, there's a fucking Momo. But he was a, that guy must have learned a ton about football being on the bench. watching Elway all those years. Well, he won a ton of Super Bowls as an assistant coach. Yeah.

With Denver and somewhere else, too. And then he was the head coach at Houston. He's been around for a while. It's great to see people who put the fucking working, man. Yeah. And not to not know, John Elway didn't age very good. He looks pretty bad. He looks rough, you know.

He looks like 60-something. What is he in his late 50s, mid-50s? He's late in his age, I don't know. He's with us. He's two years older than us. Yeah, that's right. We're getting old, too. Let me tell you.

Really, what are you? Lee, you're still in your 20s, bro. I've got a lot of life ahead of you. 27. I told Lee that that goes quick. Let me tell you some. Danny B. I got into an elevator.

The hotel I stayed at in St. Louis, the beautiful hotel, but the elevators were mirrored all around. Brother, I have lost all my hair. The only thing that's keeping me together at this dipty-doo up in the front, because everything behind that is one big ball, patch. There's not even a Yamika

bush there. Like the Yamika bush, the Jews get? Oh, no. Just check it down. Just go go break like I did. I had to take it down. Oh, no, no, I can't go bald. I still got a lot of hair left to go bald to shave it all off. Besides, I got an ugly head. If I'm ugly with hair, can you imagine me without

hair? Oh, Jesus. You have to have a good head. Without a good head, you can't shave it. Then it looks like, fuck it. It does look for me. Oh, I got stitches. I got stitches. I got old white heads from the 70s that were coke rocks that dissolved out of my skull. I used to get white heads in my head that would pop like a bullet hit him.

Pop! From the fucking ingrown hairs in my head and shit. I don't ever want to see my head bald. But it's you make the most of it. You know, you do what you've got to do. Speaking of him, Mario's brother, Joey, he's a character, you know, and he's got this unruly dog that just, you know, eats everywhere, fucking pisses on floor, but

he's got a hat of hair on him. He's 50 years old and it's like, my God, I look at him, I just want to borrow it. Like, let me go on that hair. I go to Hollywood, I'd be a star. That's the only thing stop for me, Cucko's hair. It's genetic. Listen, with hair, it's fucking genetics.

I feel, you know who I think about all the time? In fact, I spoke to James yesterday, and I said to him, you know why I called you James? Because I was in the shower when I came out and I was getting dressed and I was thinking about what to eat. And for a minute there, I miss Glenn Hashway. and for people who don't know Glenn Hashway is a kid that Danny and I

grew up with who had a great belly but he was going bald since the year after high school and guys it drove him crazy. It was a 30 year obsession. Every conversation you had with him, especially if he did a line of coke with him, was about his

hair and how he was scared to do the surgery, but he had done everything. Voodoo, you know, massages, spray paint. And it's just genetic. Like Lee has a great attitude about it. I've known, I've known from the time I was a kid, my cousin was completely

bald at 24. My dad is completely bald. Like a few, a month or two ago, I just started shaving it. And it's just, it's so much bad. I don't understand what people are. A little facial hair takes away from the boldness, you know? Oh, yeah. I could grow hair. My hair

would look so thin, though, and ridiculous. Like, I wouldn't go swimming with it. It's so God forbid if I'm in the car and you're fucking I had the window rolled down. I'd be screaming at you. Fucking close the window, motherfucker. I like John Travolta. My hair, my hair.

Oh, I used to hate getting pictures taken because of the thin hair. It's terrible. Yeah, I looked like Drago. I had the hair like Drago, you know, from the Rocky movie. But, you know, I took it down, I think, in 2000. And it was on accident. I was just trimming it. You know, I was like, and then I went too deep, and it looked like I had mange.

So I said, fuck, what am I going to do? So I just said, a little out of time. I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. within a week, you know, I was like, all right, I can do this. I can pull this off. So, yeah, it's all right to go ball. Go bowl, my friend. No, no, no.

Like I said, I just need a few more years and then I'll shave it down. But I still got a little life left in the scalp. You know, I'm not going to do the Nutraginia in my head. What's that shit they put in the hair? They take the pills. All that crazy shit. Oh, yeah. I tried, no, Rogaine.

Rogaine, you mean? Rogaine. That's for your face, Nutrigina. Nutrigina. I don't fucking know Nutrigina. Nutriginia. Actually, that was a big thing in a prison system. Fucking, they were sneaking in Rogain.

A lot of the guys that were using it on the street, that was one of the things the dogs were bringing in, believe it? Rogain. I can't believe who goes the fuck about using Rogain in jail? What do you give a fuck about your parents? You know what? You know, not everybody's doing a life sentence. They're coming home, some of them.

So I guess they wanted to come home with her. Yeah, but you know, everything's the same, man. We're getting some snow tomorrow or tonight, late tonight. We're just dropping Joey off at the bus stop. Jamie's doing that. The kids are home from school. But, let's say, it doesn't stop for me. You know, everybody's darn gambling

and the Super Bowl's over. For me, it's just another season. I actually look at football as like amateur hour. You know, everybody drinks on New Year's. Everybody backs football. This is when the real guys come out, you know, basketball and baseball. College basketball is a big money in March for college basketball.

Big money. Yeah, yeah. Big fucking money in sports. I like my baseball. You know, that's really where I, I feel I'm at my best, personally. You know, I had a pretty good... I started off horrible, though.

Honestly, September was just brutal. I couldn't do anything right. And it sucked because I had so many new fresh clientele, good players, big bank rolls. And I just couldn't win. And then I put together a nice win streak, but it was a little too late because I killed my, you know, my audience, basically. But it is what it is, man. Football, that was a, you know, a game to watch. I wasn't overly excited.

I'm kind of glad they stuck at the camera. I don't like those, the antics, you know? Score a fucking touchdown. Give a kid or back the referee. What's that? When people pulling your shirt, kissing the biceps, I just don't get that. I don't like it.

Like, I was telling me, for me, it was very, you know, man, I got, I left New Jersey in 83. When I got the fucking Denver, Elway was a rookie. That's right. You were there. You were there. You were there. Right there.

Right there. You know, we were talking about the last guy. know if you remember this. I think as a matter of fact, you were part of this. Marino was up at Pittsburgh, and we had that friend that would go up to Pittsburgh to visit our other friend that played for Pittsburgh, and they would bring Coke up there.

And it became like a fucking weekly thing during the Pittsburgh games that this chick would go up there and bring Coke to the dude, and all of a sudden I'm watching this thing the other day how nobody drafted Marino. Like they anticipated Marina to go higher, but they

didn't because there was rumors. The rumors was where he did blow. As a matter of fact, when I was shooting the longest yard, he was there interviewed in Sam for that HBO show inside the NFL. And fucking Romanoski walked up to him. He goes, how's that cocaine problem?

And they had to stop the cameras and they had to do the whole fucking thing. That's a well-known, you know, it's a truth. You know what? I worked out. The first guy I worked for in a business, well, second guy, local guy here went to Pittsburgh,

played with Molino and also. In the 90s, you know, in the off-season, and stuff. They were always around. Marino, that whole Pittsburgh class, Hugh Green, Clemgene. I forgot the other quarterback, Clemjemy they had there, I think. Bobby Bukowski, Bill Moss,

you know, another animal. So we saw those guys old people. We're party animals. The guy I worked for Dennis Atea. He was a noseguard there. So when he got his money, he was showing it off. So we'd always fly the guys in, go to the casinos. And who was the other one? The big dude.

The big guy played with Saragusa, Tony Saragusa. How come people keep inviting me on Lincoln? I don't want to be nobody's friend on Lincoln. I don't know how many times I got to tell them. You're still inviting you on LinkedIn? Still, and people who like are important. Like people who I met with.

What is that? What is that? What is fucking? Yeah, it's a website for people who think they're snooty. I don't want to be on Facebook no more. I'm a fucking, you know, I'm a BAA. I'm a big sucking. Yeah.

Oh, I just started using Facebook myself after. the years of fighting it. My wife was a zombie till it still is, but finally she got me into the thing of it. And it's pretty cool. Got to hook up with some old friends, you know, folk garage shows, people I haven't seen since Robert Fordham. So

Facebook to me, I just started about six months ago. I'm going to say something about Facebook. I'll never do it. I'll never fucking do it. I don't need nobody to know where I live, who the fuck. You know, and the first day I was on it, I got attacked by family asking me for money and I closed it down. I'm like, this is, I'm done.

already they're finding me. So then I went back on. I'm having some fun with it, though. You know, who's, like, the folk rock shows? I can't go on and on. You know, so. Moni Selma, the Avilloes are cool on there. Yeah, the Avilovic is cool on there.

A lot of kids from high school are really fucking cool on there. I talked to Garcia's, Kathy Moran's on there. Abe's on there. I got DeGurmi. I got Carlos. Yeah, I got Mike DeGuomis on there. Carlos Canterros Louis Gerez

Louis Gerez Whenever I go to Miami Louis Jerez comes to the shows And he's so fucking weird Because he'll come over Give me a hug and leave He won't ask me for tickets He won't tell him he's coming

Nothing When I first joined Facebook I got off within a week Because it was too real Everybody from North Bergen started popping up But then it's not bad But I will give you a piece of advice

Some of those people from North Bergen I'm gonna send you their number And tell them to call them Don't call them Don't call them Dan I've been invited already, and I just, I stay to myself, bro. Yeah, don't call them, because it's 30 years ago. It's dirty.

I made some mistakes and called people, and then they got my number and would torment me for a year after that. It was fucking brutal. Don't give me a number, DB. Do not give me your fucking number. I stay to myself, bro. You know, besides you, I really haven't seen many of the guys. I saw you and, you know, traveled down to Miami and then Philly and whatever, but I haven't

really seen many people. I went to Jason Abramowitz's Super Bowl party the first year the Giants beat the Patriots. You know, I saw it. You got to rub it into Port Lee? You got to rub it into Port Lee? I was just talking to that. That game still kills me. Oh, really?

Yeah. You know what? I needed New England in that game, believe it not. I was sitting in a house of Giant fans. But yeah, I stayed at myself. I got it good, man. I got a simple life, man. I do well.

I work hard. My office is down the block. my gym's around the corner I don't go I got the lesbians still they're perfect they drop shit it's just a perfect thing

for me here definitely but I do like to see some I'd like to have one bash so I'm putting together in November at the sands my wife's 40th birthday party and I'm gonna throw her shinging

so I've already started blocking out some of the floors and stuff like that so hopefully by then I'll see some of the guys but they're coming into my neighborhood though I'm not going to let me know the day I gotta go to Boston in November So that's all I know for sure

No Yeah, she should be 40 She's been really a good good woman to me So I'm gonna throw a nice little thing for us Never asked me for nothing 16 years ago I got great wife and I'm sure you can relate to it You know, supportive, my secretary, just everything So I'm good man

But I see some faces there that I say You know I'd like to hook up with them You remember this time at the Midtown and you start laughing Because we had some fucking laughs we, it's not anything we laughed our asses off. If I didn't laugh, I wouldn't be good. If I didn't laugh at that age, I would have been suicidal when I was going through inside.

So that's what kept me fucking alive, man. That's what kept me alive, you know, and just laughing at Joan Mary. Somebody sent me a picture of Joe Matt. Timmy Holloway. Sent me a picture of Joan Marries. He sent to me, I didn't even see it for like a week and a half. And he said, look at your text messages. I couldn't even find it.

And I looked at like hidden fucking drafts. And I saw Joe Marys, the fucking Spanish bar. But I looked at the front of it, and I looked at that window in front of Joan Marys. And I remember how many nights during the week I would look out that window and think to myself, how am I going to make this change? How am I going to stop drinking on a bar on Bergen-Line Avenue? One of the best nights I had there was had snowed, like two feet of snow, and you couldn't get around.

And I'm sitting there. Nobody could get Coke because all the Coke dealers wouldn't, their cars were fucked up. so we were just angered. Here I am drinking those vodka drinks with eight ounces of vodka with Lila and they're fuck you up and I'm sitting at the window and I'm sitting there and it's a quarter of the two

and all of a sudden I look and I see a guy what's those skis cross-country skis the ones with the dogs chase shit with their like tennis rackets? Oh, there's no shoes. That's what this motherfucker had in North Brogan and I looked at, and I've never forgot that

I looked at Rago and Rago said fuck this dude. and the dude was by the light already by the park. Rago was in hot pursuit of the guy. Rago tackled him and just thought it punched the guy. And that's the thing. You could pitch you that knowing Darren, you're just like visualizing because he was a madman. Oh, my God.

Then he dragged him and he threw him into a snowdrift and covered him with snow. By the time we got there, because we're like, where's Darren? We walked outside. He's calling the guy a fuck, fuck you. There's no cocaine. I'm going to take it out on you. He beat him up and he ripped the flag from the VFW

and put it on top of the guy in the snow. So we forget all about it. Guess what happens at about 2.15. Some Coke dealer walks into the Joan Marys. Everybody buys a package. Everybody's power snorting. We start power snorting. About 245, the place is surrounded with cops.

And the guy is sitting in the back seat, defrosting. I will never forget. And I had a gram in my hand, and the cop was one of Bobby Bender's friend. So I said, fuck it. I went right up to him before he threw me in the wall, and I put the coke in his hand. And he patted me down. He told me to get the fuck out of it. And that's how I got myself out of that mix with Darren Rago.

How did Joe Mellis? You know what was the classics, if you remember the Darren Rago and Kenny Edler fights? It seemed like every other night they were fighting. One would win one night. The next night, Kenny would get the best out of Darren. And it was like, sure enough, a quarter to three, they're outside in front of the Midtown or Joe and Marries. They were classic. They must have had a dozen of those things.

Very good. Very good fights. I can't believe that. You know, sometimes I play a comedy club and people call me up and they're like, hey, Cokes, do you mind if I bring my daughter? And I'm like, listen, man, how old is your daughter? And they'll tell me 19. And I go, listen, I can't do it. And they can't believe it, Danny, because we were really 15 hanging out of Joan Marries.

And nobody would ever think a word to ask us for an ID. I'm telling you right now, Lee, 15 and 16, sophomores in high school, were leaving school and going to Joan Marys, how people lack now. You know how people go to work for Happy Hour? Ray Tabasco and Giuliano and all those guys, sophomore and junior year, would leave school and go to John Marys and shoot pool from three to six. Their after school program was John Marys. And John Marys had this, no CCD.

No CCD. They had a little circle. Remember, Danny, in the middle of the bar? They had a little container that had ham and cheese sandwiches. And it had a cover. Yep. And you would just take the ham and cheese sandwiches and have mugs of beer for 60 cents, 75 cents. Yeah.

You would get... You'll get... I don't remember the scoreboard. I was a John Marys. Yeah, that was on 76th Street. That Lila, the little lesbian, not Lila, forgot her name. That's where we started. Me, Mikey, Phil, Pop, Bobby Bant, the...

Paris. That was all for a spot, and we were like 15 here. Joe Marys, we did in the high school, definitely. But even in grade school, we were sneaking into that place, eighth grade. We pretend that we just got off of a job. We wear overall overalls, you know, like we just got done loading trucks. People wouldn't ask you for an idea in those days at all. Yeah, but at all, at all, guys. They must not have cared because you guys didn't care.

There was no one in overalls doesn't look like you got to listen. The drinking age was 18, though, for us. 18. So it wasn't that call. Oh, 15, that we could be 18. Yeah. So 15, 16. You were in a fucking bar.

I was at clubs in New York at 16. It was 18. I was in studio. Now, not studio. I was like at a, like at CBGBs a couple times. I went to fucking, I went to see the police at some rock club. I went to a couple bars. At 16 in New York City, as long as you had shoes on and a nice fucking shirt.

They let you in, dogs. Shoes on, that was true. Hey, Coke, what was that? place we used to go up into New York State right across 9W I forgot the name of the ball. The cuckoo's Nest. Isn't that where a villa plays a lot? I see him posting out a lot. I don't know if that bar is still there. It's something else.

We used to go to a bar up there because Monday nights they give you a fucking tub of beers for a dollar. Yeah. Like eight Budwisers and a bottle for a dollar in a tub. Who does that? That's a college bar. I miss those days. I miss it. I don't like that. I don't like today. I don't like the world today. I don't like all of the social media. I know it helps in a way, but I just don't have my kids. I haven't

seen them since they got out of school Friday. Just on Xbox, iPads. Just really, and they're only 6 and 11. It's like I'm scared for their future. So I'm like the old school guys, man. If there was a place I can go out and no cell phones, no computers, just fucking TV, MTV and

fucking, you know, I'm good. Take me back to the 80s, bro. Put me in a time capsule. The fucking phones with a long cord so you could fucking, you can fucking, Like their fucking armies. Yeah, the phones in the kitchen, but you're talking to the bedroom? I found it. I think it's in Alaska.

If it's not Alaska, it's next to, like, one of those big telescopes, and anything will mess with it. So they can't have Wi-Fi and no cell phones. I saw that. I saw that a couple of days ago. It's against the law to do it. Yeah. They legally can't have Wi-Fi or cell phones. Has to be dial-up or you're plugged directly into your computer, and they only have regular phones.

And they went around, and they asked some kids, like, is it hard? for you not to have cell phones and they've just never had it. They're like, it's not that big of a town. We find everybody. We need them. And I just kept, I was like, oh, I guess Joey should move to Bennett's in Alaska. You know what, though? For us, we knew where to find each other.

You know where Coco was? You know where I was? Or this guy. If they weren't at one bar, they'd be at another. Where somebody's house getting ready to go out. We didn't have cell phones back in the early 80s. A couple of the drug dealers had, like Joel, remember Joel? He had Pagers.

He had a pager that was connected to his car. That if you broke into his car, his page would go up because I tried to break into that car a thousand times. Joel was the last Coke dealer I beat in North Bergen because he was hip to me. He wouldn't give me an inch. At least you, you would go, Coco. You're not going to have $300 on Wednesday.

If you want a gram, just take it. And you give it to me. Jol would twist my fucking arm, would bust my balls. I'll front it to you. But what time you're going to meet me, 11 o'clock? And he'd be there, 11 o'clock for his mom. money. That was the last guy I beat. That was the last guy

I beat North Bergen. And I remember one... Were he driving the Porsches? He always had those No, no. At this time he had a like a VW, that popular Volkswagen, the Syracco or something, and it had the back window you couldn't break into it and he would leave his Coke. He would go into the city, but leave his Coke in that car.

And you don't know how many fucking times I wanted to break into that car, but his page would go off. Oh, I remember Frank Monter, He's eating the shit out of him on fucking tunneling, not tunneling, Kennedy Boulevard down towards the two guys. You remember the two guys down there? Yeah. What was that?

The Sears, the Sears. What was that down there by the McDonald's? By the German place, the German place. Shish and Park. That's why I grew up right down the bike. It's Sears and Roboc. It crossed the street. Yeah, but anyway, it was a gas station right around.

And me, Tommy Russo, driving by one day. We could see Frank Monterella, fucking Morland. Joe. And we had some business going out with Joel, so we're in that, you know, saving his ass because he had something about it. I forgot what it was. He was always a target. I always liked him.

You know, it's me and he got along pretty good. He was always good by me, generous with me. A lot of the guys, but, you know, the memories are good. You know, when I see their faces, I'm like, yeah, that was some good times. Sabatino reached out to me on a private message saying he's doing good. I'll keep you posted, and that was the last time I heard of him. Like, he came in under his girlfriend's account or something. I think he moved to North Carolina or South Carolina.

Did you hear anything about that? Nothing, nothing. That's one guy I love to see, but I'll never see. It's weird. I grew up with this kid that me and Sabbs are good friends with. And when we were 13, he had a little sister, and his little sister had to be five or six. and it was his she was his favorite brother

you know she had two brothers and they lived two doors for me they were called the special owls and the kids know yeah Dominic and Dominic and I were good friends and he drowned on THC Crystal and whatever and I used to remember Vita

as a young girl on the block and stuff and she used to hang out with Timmy whose dogs used to eat boulders and shit fucking crazy and one day I was on one of the radio shows and I got a call that somebody wanted to talk to me.

It was Vita. It was 15 years ago here. I was on Likis. And Vita goes, I'm living out in L.A., and I hear you on Tom Likas, and we hooked up as friends, and she goes to my house,

and she knows the baby, and she talks to my wife on the phone. And she's 40-something, and she left here kind of unhappy because she had been here for 10 years and I met a guy, and then her dad was sick, and she went back,

and the father died. And guess what? She became an attorney. again and she did a bunch of things. She called me Saturday night and she got engaged. And I met the guy when I went home. And I'm really fucking happy. Like the block came to rest, you know, like we're all going to go to the wedding now.

And she wants Mercy to be in the wedding party. And, you know, this is old school Italian, so we'll be dancing, eating good. So I'm really excited that I'm going to have some peace down in Lower North Bergen. And I wish Sabatino. Oh, yeah, I'm not giving our terrorist guy. But Sabatino. You know, Sabatino was my brother. I'm really, I'm a little upset about with some North Bergen guys,

and Sabatino is one of them because out of all the people in North Bergen, nobody helped me more than Sabatino. That Christmas, when the Ligios threw me out and accused me of robbing them and all that shit, I stayed at, I got really sick from the flu, and I woke up two days later, and I was a Sabatinos. I remember that, 1983, right? It was 84, 84, 84. It was, I remember waking up there, like Stephen Sagal,

one of those movies where he gets blown up and he wakes up and the Indians are taking care of him and shit. That's the way I was. Sabatino's mom was making me soup and... Steve, listen, refuge. I have refuge in that house many times myself, especially when I was going through tough times in the late 80s. So it breaks my heart that he don't call.

I found out there myself, yeah. I knew his mother. I knew the father. I knew the sister. The mother was my lunch month lady. growing up she always gave me an extra peanut butt and jelly she always gave me an extra bologna and cheese you know i know i knew the sabbatino as well so he got mad at me in 1993 because veneery had a party and i said that uh if the robert hoban was there and he was a cop and in front of robert hoban i said

sabatino if the dogs were here they'll die well he called me a week later and he said that dpw trucks were following them around north bergen because i made that joke at a north bergen party and he got mad at me. So what am I going to do if he doesn't want to talk to me over a joke? Danny B. I'm going to call into your radio show next Thursday before I go to Las Vegas.

So tell him, tell him the name of the radio show. I record Thursday. Right, next Thursday. Not this Thursday because I'm shooting Marin. But next week, the 18th, I'm doing Vegas. So on the 18th, tell him the radio show. Tell him the initials. Oh, yeah. You've got

AM 570. I'll a LA sports they call it. Now, they change it from 5. It's AM 570 in Los Angeles. It's on Iheart. It's also on Fox Sports and Phoenix and other places in the U.S. But L.A.'s been my bread and butter market every Saturday morning. Catch me at 7 o'clock out there. And again, it's on IHard. And I'm going to start my podcast up here shortly. You know, once I get my technical guy back to work. Remember Andy? He hits me up from time to time. He hits me up from time to time.

good. And he's doing well now. He's a good kid. He got himself and he did good. He found a career in this photography thing and, you know, he's starting to make a name for himself around here. So he's a really good kid, but he just couldn't do the podcast. And once he lost interest or, you know, I couldn't do it no more so. But I missed that I was having from with it, but nothing beats the church, my friend. And it's always a pleasure to be on. And Lee, you know, left to get together one time. Never got a chance to meet you, but look forward to that. Absolutely. I'm trying to get out west, man.

You know, James was trying to get me out to Vegas, but timing, I don't think I'll make it. You know, the kids, it's tough. It's tough, it's tough, brother. It's tough. Yeah, well, you know what? I got your thing is I got to do the radio show. I got to be in the office on the weekends to field the calls. It's tough, brother.

Complaints and everything. You know, it's tough. You're pleasing to the fucking quiet. I work my ass off, though, mentally. But it's working, man. My kids are happy. Just like you, you're providing for your family, you work and you're at. he works harder than you. Honestly, out of all the people I know, you're the man. You're out there

fucking pain, you do's, and I respect you for that, Cope. And that's not easy to do what you do, you know, to be up there in front of people every weekend, you know, traveling, leaving family, so, you know, I've got to give you credit for that, pal. We'll be in touch. I love you, Cocksucker. Next Thursday, we're on the radio. Yeah, I got you. Yeah, we'll keep in touch, man. Next Thursday, I love. It's always a pleasure, but. Lee, take care, and, uh, Cocoa, love you, man. Love you, brother. Thanks for calling in. Take care, guys.

Bye-bye. Let me give some shout-outs here. These savages. P-T-R-G-8-10. Patero, he always hits me up on Twitter. This kid, nice kid, Don Wrangler, water boxing, making a nice picture of me today with Charles Bronson and Steve McQueen.

Dalton Tooms, Lauren Rosinkur on Facebook. I love you. Jesse Wright is the man and Captain Motherfucking Jones. Don't forget, February 19th, My birthday, I'll be in Las Vegas at the South Point Casino. And February 24th, I'm doing a showcase for industry. And I need you savages. Excuse me, that was the little egg burp.

I need you savages to come down to the comedy store Wednesday night to 24th. I'm doing a little show there with some people. And hopefully you guys could come out and support that. And that's it. That's what we're doing here. What else, Coxucker? What's up in your world? Your dad's been here?

How's that been? It's been great. It's been a lot of fun having them. I did a couple of periscopes with him. He's having a lot of fun. You got them all sick with that fucking. No. Billy Go Food, eat.

Trying to blame it on probiotics. I'm telling you to stop eating tacos at the place. They got caught serving lizards in 2000 something. Even the YMCA people tell you, they don't eat there. When you told me you were eating, I go, this fucking guy is attracted to bad food. That whole mall there. I wouldn't eat that whole mall. That whole, no-hold diner, Greek place next to that Mexican place.

Do you see what's next to that place? that bodega? Yeah? Do you see what goes in there? No. Go in there and park one there and see what goes in there. What's in the bodega? Just see what the type of people are going to that bodega.

And then tell me if you want to eat tacos over there. Why does the bodega have to do with the tacos? Because it's all together. It's all connected. They get products from that bodega. Maybe they get spam or something. Who fuck knows? I'm just telling you, that's a scary a hell.

You've given that shit food from day one. You've been giving them shitty food. You threw them off. No, we went and got sushi. We got them sushi and stout. Everything else has been gone. Babaji, that Mexican shit, you got them, that Thai shit. I think there's no Thai shit.

You got that cat fake fucking dumpling shit from down there that you take them. Delicious. The fuck out of here. He loves the dumplings. Right now there's little kids looking for their cats somewhere in fucking Venice. And right now those fucking Koreans are jumping up and down over there. They got fucking, you know. I keep looking for them.

There's still not a single stray cat. Nothing. I have to find one just to prove you. No, there's no straight cats down there. It's a joke, but it's an honest fucking joke. joke you know what I'm saying and he's coming kettlebells tomorrow is he he's gonna do that it's gonna be it's been fun it's been a fun I got a fucking hell of a week this week I gotta shoot three days and then I got an audition Tuesday on audition Wednesday for a fucking Spanish show which I'm not gonna go into you know

I still gotta go to jitzu do two of these you know I want to space it out but it's funny that you asked about lights and choking listen man it's not even about choking sometimes it's just you're not being you and guess what that's okay because if you were on fire all the time you'd be Jesus right who's on fire all the time Jesus you cannot that's okay for years as a young comic you know as a

even when I went to when I went back to see you and took those classes when I would have a fucked up grade oh my God it would be the end of the world for a guy like me because that's the last thing I want to do is not this i didn't have anybody to disappoint but myself when you go on stage or when listen 20 years ago i couldn't kick that special how i didn't recently it would be make me angry but i'm older and i'm wiser and i try to pass this on to you guys a never to put something out

that's not good of you whether you're an artist or a painter or you know you're washing somebody's car it's the little things you know and what i don't like about that special was the little things that didn't get done. Not the big things that look good. Yeah, whatever, the lights, the stage, whatever, whatever. But there were little things on my end that are going to bother you. They're going to bother me. Right. And for the $5, I'd rather not have it out there. That's the way I was raised. You know, I went somewhere a couple weeks ago, and it's a new restaurant, and the guy bothered me, and I went down there, and it was a nice restaurant. The food was great, but guess what? There were three things that hadn't been done because he opened in a rush.

and those three things are going to lose him customers. And if he had done it. Yeah. We get impatient and we do things sometimes. You know, you mow lawn. If I hire you to mow the lawn, okay, I go mow the lawn. And I come down, I pay you, and I see that around the water things. You didn't, I'll never hire you again because I know you don't have the eye of detail.

That's what I'm looking for. You're looking for that? You ever go wash your car? Yeah, absolutely. And the car looks great. The car smells great. But you go in and the guy that even vacuum in between the seat and the middle. It kills me.

Or under the seat, there's a little piece of paper. That little piece of paper made that whole car look bad. Absolutely. And it's, but do you ever find yourself? Because what you're saying is how you can have this attention to detail, but you can't hyper focus on it. I'll find my, I've trained myself now. I'll tell myself to slow down. because when things start going like that for me,

I don't know what it is. My brain speeds up. I start going a thousand miles a minute. And I'll have to like, if I keep going that way, I'll just run around in circles. So I've had to train myself to calm down and like look at the small things.

And then there's always a center place. Everything, every art, everything has a center place. And I didn't learn that more I'm talking. I tell you, motherfuckers, that Jiu-Jitsu improved my standard. And here's one of those positions, retaining the guard. No matter how beat up you're getting, he's trying to get around you, you got a hold of his sleeve, you've got a hold of his thing, but you retain your guard and you hold them again. You're in center. That is your center position. That is the position that you're always going to go to.

When you tell a market and you do outside sales, you have a script. Listen, you want to be a Swami from Salami and read that script like a fucking robot. You're not going to sell dick. So I understand your need to take it off the script, talk numbers, tell me how this is going to improve my business and how, without living without this, it's going to kill me.

All this, you have to tell me while you're in the boundaries of this script because you're not going to do your effectiveness. So do you see it would stand up? Thursday night I went on stage and they were a conservative audience. They weren't going with me. They were giving me laughing and shut them down. Give me laughing and shut down.

I tell you, at the 18 minute mark, I was panicking. I was there for the first time. It was a new city. Once I went to my center and started going back to the material, verbatim, was when I got them back. Do you really think that I want to do material verbatim? No, but that's the point where I was. I wasn't getting them going outside the box. Saturday first show, everything came together.

I got them going outside. the box and I got them with material verbatim. I slowed it down. We get excited. A couple weeks ago, I got a call it 9309. The Pittsburgh Comedy Festival, you know, and already I know it's a festival. So there's got to be a buy the fucking way. Number two, it's Pittsburgh. I mean, what we're going to go to do up there? Watch the Steelers in September. So you understand? In my mind, how we did the math because of the wisdom over the years? I didn't buy the plane ticket. If I were to let you, You would have bought the plane ticket that night. We got to go.

They invite this. I'm doing a seminar. You're not doing nothing. You're not doing nothing until they make an offer. Right. Well, whoever makes them offer. These are little things you learn over the years. How often does that happen?

How often would you go to an audition, right? And they say, oh, we loved you. You got it. You go home, tell everybody in the world that you got it, and then someone else books it, or they cancel the thing. You get too excited, and you can't tell anybody until it's already happened. I saw Joy, Fla, yeah. who I loved to death.

And Joey asked me in St. Louis, what have happened with that dice thing? And I'm like, obviously I didn't get it. And he goes, well, I didn't understand. I go, listen, man. In my world, every day changes. And you take it for what it is. If you dwell in what you don't get, you won't dwell in what you are going to get. You know, I'm sitting there last week. Send the emails back. Writing jokes with music on. Nobody's home.

And I got an email from Mark Maron. around next week. That's how quick everything happens. We went back and forth within an hour I was working on the show this week. That's how quick. I didn't have to audition for it. But this is for all the other jobs

they audition for. That I sweat it out. That's how you have to look at things. That they brought you in for a call back and didn't hire you. Didn't get it. You know, it's numbers. You're going to keep going in. All you have to do is keep believing and eventually they'll call your number. You know, I'm going to go on addition tomorrow. I'm going to audition.

That's good, Lee, because now I'm getting numbers. If you go on two auditions, one of the chances, but if you go on three or four of them, you're in the game. Somebody's going to call you back. Boom, and all of a sudden, Baba, you gotta read that one. They're gonna call you five times, and then that audition two months ago, they're gonna call you back, because they weren't ready at that point. They looked at everybody, and they're gonna fucking call you back, you know? It's so weird how every fucking thing works, Lee.

Is it hard for you to prepare for four or five hours? dishes in a week though? Yes, it's hard, but I'm going to tell something to people that's not just about, some guy came up to me in Charlotte. He's going to build us an album rack. Oh, cool. And he says that he gets his own work, that he learned from the church, any slick motherfucker that's in business today, whether you're mowing lawns, you're selling pictures, you're painting houses, you're doing construction. Any slick motherfucker knows that the more people you talk to, the chances are higher of you getting a job. So if I'm coming over here to do an estimate for Lee in this office, I might as well knock on these four offices and see if they want the same thing done. I know they're going to tell me no. But it doesn't matter because the more no as I go for, I'm going to get a fucking yes. Or I'm going to get a no from two years ago who finally got that insurance check in the mail. But you have to keep going every fucking day. And that's what people don't understand, that yesterday was yesterday.

Man, I lost that account. Fuck, $3 million. Could you imagine? Yeah, I could imagine. So guess what? If you had one out there, there's got to be another one. Go get it. Right?

Go get your motherfucking paper. When I got Russell Athletics in 1991, and I was a dumb, fucking, coked up, beat-up fucking comedian kid. I knew nothing about nothing. I knew how to sell myself a little bit. I knew nothing. And my friend Danny goes, listen, bro,

there's a shirt that changes colors when you put it on. Really? Yeah, there was a shirt that changed colors. Your heat changed the colors. Sort of like a mood ring or something. Like a mood ring. It was a mood ring on a T-shirt. Okay.

I forget the name of the shirt. People probably still have, and I discussed this on the Rogan podcast. So I'd say the shirt was like a purplish orange shirt, like a magenta. And you put it on, your shoulder would be green, your stomach would be bright irons because different heat in your body.

But to make a long story short, Danny came up to when they goes, go to Russell Athletics and call them. So in those days, there was no computer. I didn't know how to fucking use a computer. So he got me the number of the rest of athletics. And I called him after like four phone calls. The guy called me back.

And I said, listen, I went to May DNF last week, which is like Macy's. Right. And I said, I went in there and this new line of clothing you have would look better. If you put magenta neon, that is a great idea. Send me a, I don't know what they called them in those days, an example. So I had Danny make up a thing. It cost him $22. of labor and he sent it.

The first order was 50 signs. Whoa. And they ordered 50 more signs than they ordered 50 more signs. And I was getting like 200 a sign. I mean, it was amazing. The commission, I got something crazy. But after that, I went through other companies like that because I thought I had the answer and I didn't get them.

You know, I think there was one other one I got. And in those days, I used to carry it like a bad Javano, what I didn't have. Meanwhile, I had gotten Russell, athletics on the phone. You know how many salesmen were creaming their pants in those days to get Russell athletics on the fucking phone? Yeah, and you just got it based on. Some fucking

fat, coked up. That was in fact that some spick ex-felon. I was just out of prison. Happily called them up. You know, Loops, the stutterer. Has a story when he got out of college. You started selling insurance. And for a year he didn't sell nothing. Can you imagine? Some kid stutter in his way selling? But

one day, he went somewhere and he goes on the way out. He just had a feeling. And he went into his lumberyard and he dropped off a package and they called him a week later and the lumberyard had 200 employees and he hit the fucking jackpot because it's where he didn't think of dropping it in nothing happens for not trying yeah it's like you're talking about the gym you when you go to jihitsu and you see a 400 pound guy in jih Tijuana he's doing hip escapes at the class you better go up to that guy and give him a fucking hug and say hey and that's what makes that guy come back that really that little hug

who go fuck yeah those guys are counting on me man And so what, I suffer a little bit. All that shit, you know, Elway and Kubiak and him losing the two, they all paid off in the end. You know, every piece of work that we do fucking pays awfully, everything, you know. And I'm coming, a Saturday set early was just unbelievable. I caught myself in the middle going, where's Lee with the tape recorder? We could have not sold this, but I would just put it up for free. It just, it was that good, you know?

You don't know when it's going to happen. All you could keep doing is keep doing is keep. working and making little notes and details. I started taping my sets a couple weeks ago. Just, I hate it. After three minutes, I press stop and then I erase the fucking thing. At least three more minutes and you used to listen to

him more. But that's three more minutes I at least listen to brother. Because I know in this new realm that we're at that people come to see me, Charlotte and St. Louis, I can't go up there and fuck around no more. So what came together early show Saturday? Is it conscious or it's just

the luck of the roll of the dice? No, every six months, man. The universe shows you the results of your hard work. It really does. Just to show you what you could do. It takes it back. And it pisses you all fucking Saturday's late show.

It wasn't like the first one. But as long as you know, you could do it. It's like when you go over to kettlebells now and you swing the fucking 71 pound on it, the fucking big gorilla. You know, three months ago, Lee, you couldn't pick that up. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sorry to tell you.

Five months ago. You would have called me the next day. And swing it 10 times. And your back hurts. But you kept going. And the form. I remember the first week we picked that up. We both did it three times.

Remember like three or four times. Now we're doing it three sets of 10. That's okay for her right now. That's all you need. I'd rather do it good form than throw her back up and get hurt. But sometimes the universe shows you the results of your hard work. They really do. And for a moment in time, you see it.

And then it takes it back just to make you, work a little bit harder. And I love that. I fucking love that. I love when I go to Jiu-Jitsu and also I hear the clock go off and I'm on my back and the guy hasn't done none. That means for five minutes I held this guy. So what if I held them? What if I didn't go to J-Jitsu? Nothing would have happened.

It doesn't frustrate you that it never seems like the works over ever. Like what you're just saying to me, it just sounds like obviously you want to keep getting better. But when you're thinking about you're like, okay, I'm going to do all this fucking hard work and then I'll enjoy it at some point. But it just seems like it's never, even when you retire now, people aren't retiring.

So it's hard to wrap your head on that. I always thought when I was your age and I hate the sound like this, I always thought, and I see it in people today, I always thought that life was a one

hit wonder. That's what I wanted. I wanted to do something like most Americans are rest their laurels on that. Just do one good thing. And God damn it, that's not going to work. It's like if I walked into this room right now with a fucking longest yard shirt on,

you know, and said, you know, this is what I did 12 fucking years ago. You're still on that fucking laurel. Your laurels change every fucking day. You got to wake up and be a little better, you know. My life came together when I realized that this was about hard work. We don't want to imagine. We think that good-looking guy with the,

boat and the corvette he just got that every loser like i did thought that at 21 that to have a corvette and nice hair and the white shirt and the chain your father had to be rich that's the shitty excuse i made myself because i had no parents so i made myself that excuse the reason why he's successful was was his father has a fruit store and he gives his a job i'll never have that that's what i kept saying to myself really good excuse i always had a great excuse everybody always has a great fucking excuse. And boy, did I have a great excuse. The reason why Lee has what he has is because he has

a mommy and a daddy. Since I don't have a mommy and a daddy, that gives me the right to rob people. That gives me the right to snort Coke. That gives me the right to act like a fucking savage. You know what I'm saying? That's how I, when I fucking realized it 28 or 29 when I got out of that hole,

because no matter whether it was a country club or it was a hole, when I got out of there and I realized that, so you got your degree now. So what happens now? that's fucking shitty dog that's shitty because in high school all they kept pushing about was your degree and you told yourself some bum-fucked story and i'm gonna be a lawyer but now you're fucking stupid words are becoming a goddamn reality yeah and boy is it fucking scary jack it's fucking scary lee and that and it never ends and because then never then you get a new job you get a new job

and now you have a few laundry you all now you're building front of it and and it never ends and because then and then you get a new job and now you're building furniture. I can't, when you told me that story, I want to hug you. That's the only story I fucking feel bad for you. Really? How a child, our young man goes to Emerson college, gets a degree in editing. Yeah. And editing basically comes out here, comes to work in Hollywood, and somebody makes you build a chair. And you know what? I fucking hated her, but it's great. I think about you all the time. And that's why I don't like you doing a lot of things around here. of doing myself because I would never embarrass somebody. If I had a degree and somebody made me build lawn furniture or a table, I would die.

My pride, if I sank, how much is your education? This is not, 100 grand. This is not four years on a job. This is not like you're going to me. Okay, Joey, before you could do the podcast, I want you to go to WKNZ and clean toilets, paint walls, go for coffee, take shit from the comedians. You know the job. You know the fucking job, Lee.

We all know the fucking job. But there comes a day in your mind, you go, it doesn't matter because this is going to end. In a year and a half, I won't have to do this. Oh, shit, in six months, I won't have to do this. Oh, shit, in two weeks, I won't have to do this. So I can't imagine paying $100,000 going to Emerson College, coming out of here, getting a job as an assistant editor. For somebody to say, yo, by the way, tomorrow you got to go to Kmart and pick up some tables

and then come back and build and put patio furniture together. It was nonstop. And it was, it was, that show had VHS tapes for the writers, for all the clips. And they kept him in the basement in the worst storage facility that was underneath the parking garage. And our system went down once. So me and three or four other interns and PAs or whatever it was had to carry hundreds of VHS tapes upstairs, bookshelves, line them up against the wall, put them all in order so the writers could get to do it. All this knowing that in three weeks the system was going to be up. and all that work was for nothing.

And I hated my boss. I hated it. And it's like what you were talking about with you did to, and you used to dread going. And I used to dread going into that job. But it's, and I, I don't know. I think it really helped me. I think it really, because leaving high school,

I was the top video guy in my high school. That's all I did was the video. You go to college, and it's a little bit of a shock there because then everyone in that college is the top video guy from their 10. But then you come here to L.A. And it's just There's always

I think I spoke about a couple weeks ago. There was another PA lawsuit or intern lawsuit against someone saying they made people shit in their car. They worked 12 hour days. That's what you come here knowing you're going to have to. And that's what

when you say that some comedians leave, half of my Facebook feed now for people in L.A. are people who went home who were assistant editors and went home and did all that stuff and it's I'm happy that I had those I hated it I hate the worst one was blinds like these she the boss made me come out and and close all of them just in the office just because I was I was I wasn't doing any I would I would do was and this is what I tell everybody to do I went to the head guy in the office and I just I would just hang out with

him when I had any downtime I would I would just sit and watch and sit look at what he was doing and asking questions and then it's the exact what you were saying he would have me edit like during his lunch break he would want to take a nap so he'd have me do some editing and I was losing my mind it was so happy and she would come in

and do oh build this furniture oh close these blinds and you're right if I had just went out to L.A. and had and because there are some kids who get this who get their dream job right away I don't think it would have been as good for me it's fucking god yeah that those times used to kill me it it is it's they killed me and i didn't

have a college education when i went into uh you know tgifs i don't know if it was tgis at the time and i'm like i want a job bartending they're like you have to come up through the system you have to start as a as a fucking cook like an assistant cook and i'm like are you fucking crazy and they gave me a menu they wanted me to study it and take a test right and then what about like after you got passed at the store and then you're still getting people other clubs being like oh give us a tape tape or oh you have to feature what are you talking about i just headlined here it's it's always there's always people who want to see when it came to that shit i always went for the work you know what yeah yeah

yeah that's a type of motherfucker that said oh you don't want to headline me good i'm not ready but let me who's the headline that week let me come in there for that short money i'm gonna rock you fucking world and i would make it a point to fucking go up there and rock their fucking world so even the headline it was like i'm not following this guy no more but that's a that's a great point because that was the shock that I had. That shock took me a year. I'm not going to lie to fucking. That shock took me a year finding out that eight.

You're 30. You could steal the rest of your life and end up in jail or know this. That whatever you decide to do, after five years, you're just getting started again. And after 10 years, you're just getting started again. And after 15 years getting started again, because no matter what you choose,

okay, you're an electrician. After four years, you become a fucking journeyman. okay okay and then after four more years somebody's gonna hire you as a top journeyman to run all the crews to inspect the houses and shit like to be the top guy then after 10 for five more years somebody's gonna hire you to be the general manager of a shop and you gotta prove yourself all over again do you understand me there's levels of your job that if you know you always have to keep rising to the occasion and at each level i would always feel nerd like i should oh i want to go back to that old job right where you're Well, yeah, you got no responsibility.

Right, yeah. You're all scared of responsibility. Sorry, bro, I didn't want to. No, I wanted, like everybody else in America, I wanted $40,000 a week. You know, I wanted you to teach me, and I wanted to work eight to five. That's what I wanted to do. You know what, make it eight to four. With an hour lunch?

Yeah, an hour lunch. That's what I wanted. But once you realize the cold realization that you never fucking stop and you don't want to, If you're 24 right now and you're 34 and you're 34 and you're listening to this or you're 44, the best thing about this conversation is that you know this, that just to keep you interested, what if you just had a job that you put the cover on mustard? Yeah.

And an assembly line. Oh, my God. And it doesn't get no better than that. You know what you might do? After 10 years, they might make you pack the mustard in a box. And that's it. But to your 65, you work at the mustard plant. Not a bad job.

Insurance, you're not going to jail. You pay your taxes. You have a nice family. You can raise your family on it. But see the differences? Like, you have no, no, no, you're not challenging yourself. I couldn't imagine a life without challenging yourself every fucking week, once a month, something. That's what makes you know you could go there.

But you only know that at the end of it. Like, that's a hard part. Oh, please. I got this five, six years ago. Well, when I did you know. decided to get into comedy in 1994 when I really put my heart into it and I said this is what needs to be done I was 31 years old I was three years of putting around I was 31 years old when life hit me in the face when I knew that if I went for this I got to go for this like they ain't no turning back like at least

give me a job I could probably get a job at the sports betting and work six months a year and stay here and raise my daughter and stay in a little apartment. And I don't know my drug situation. I don't have any value on my life at this point. Or I could really fucking challenge myself and go for the stand-up. Lee, it's a mental once you know. And it happens to people every day all over the world where they come to the realization that this is it

and this is as good as it's going to get unless I decide. Unless you decide to put the work. Because maybe I have a job as a production assistant for you. But guess what? After a year and a half, you're sick of this shit. That fucking dude that sits over there, you're way better than him. But you've got to convince Joey Diaz that you're way better than him. So guess what?

He wants me in there at seven. I'm going in there at 6.30. Every time he flubs his fucking line, I'm going to pick it up. I'm going to do this. And someday I'm going to take his fucking job. And Lee, what? Once you just think that, once you think that inside and you put that out and you're frustrated and you start doing that, one day you're going to come in and go, do you hear what happened to Bill? No.

He put his two weeks in. And I got to go to Europe, Lee, for two weeks on tour. Looks like you got the job, Lee. We'll hire somebody when I get back. Well, guess what you're going to do those two weeks? You're going to be the best leave you've ever been. You're going to make me money. I'm going to come back and you're going to go, guess what?

Some guy came in and I got him but $3,000 to go because you want that job. And that's what Americans have forgotten. That's how you get that job. And you have to. By stepping up to the pump. And you have to step up earlier. Like if you had waited until that two weeks, then it's too late. You got to make it.

It all works on you. But what happened? It all happened in your mind first. You said yourself. You know what? I saw fucking bills. Oh, that's always the worst. This is the one else's paycheck

I saw Bill's paycheck No, he's a fucking moron It's over And I got two options To go somewhere else And start from scratch Because now I know what the outcome is And now I know what I need to do

I'm better than Bill I'm way better than Bill Way better than Bill I can do this job on my fucking head standing up Fuck Bill Right Yeah And all of a sudden Bill will come in one day

And give us two weeks work How his wife has to go back to Chicago And there you are. You know what? I got to go here. Lee, I don't know. We'll talk about it when I get back, Lee. Just book the guests and I'll come back.

I come back. This place is running good. It smells good. I ain't going to hire Bill. You're going to make your case first. Yeah, absolutely. You got to say, listen, I want this job. And I know Bill was making $4,000 a month.

Give me $35 to start. Just put it to me. And I guarantee I'll fucking run this thing like Warner Brothers. Better than Bill. And you know what happened to Bill? Bill got stagnant. Yep. Bill didn't get challenged anymore.

There was no challenge. He put a ceiling over his income himself, not me. He was content with that. That's what happened. You're content with that. That's what I never wanted. That's what I learned in Colorado up there early, that people had gone up there to ski when they were 24 for a year.

And all of a sudden, they were 40, and they were still working as managers somewhere. And time just fucking... Time is a motherfuckerly. time and comfort and time goes by fucking fast my friend really fucking fast real quick motherfucker zero to 100 he go zero to 100 what do you got over there lee i have ring and i have uh club w this is a nice podcast had a nice time with you it's been a long time since we did a morning one yeah oh my god you got nice and baked i could tell by looking at your fucking face you have to get

That was nice refra. I like this new office. I like smoking in here. I like being in here. This is a nice feeling, man. It's better than the other place. I'm more comfortable. Oh, yeah.

I'm more at fucking home. You know what I got there, Leefie, Uncle Joey? So yeah, that was interesting yesterday. And that was, I just wanted to talk about my fucking experience with the Super Bowl yesterday. I never watched football.

And I don't know, but you know. You fucking know. To go to a Super Bowl, you need defense. And just to wrap up what we were just talking. about that's when I really saw it yesterday because I didn't have a dog in this in the fight in the in the Super Bowl and I was just watching it and I was just sitting there like I had to take a couple stars just because the game was a little bit boring I was like wait this is what he's talking about didn't like who cares what happens with the game it doesn't really matter like it took me

I had to see it because when I'm watching the Patriots game I want the Patriots to wait you're watching it from objective you have some mistake I was watching this game I was like wait why am I sitting here for it was a long four hours I could I finally have fucking concerts. The halftime was horrific. You know, the music people were pissed online. I went online for something else. And that's what, because I woke up, went and saw the game, and then Mercy was asleep. So I had an hour to send emails back, you know, somebody hit me up for dates on something. So I had like 10 emails to send out. And I had to finish some paperwork. I wanted to plan out my week and see how I was going to do it, you know, with the three days of work on

I didn't know how I was going to adjust my weeks or was trying to plan it all out. And then I was on Facebook and I saw the fucking thing is horrible. And then I ran out there and caught three minutes of it. And it was horrific. It was horrific. I came back and they were flashing back to Michael Jordan for a second for no reason. And I said, fuck it.

It's just bad. But then I would go and then Mercy woke up and we ate dinner and I would go out there every 10, 15 minutes and see the score. And then Mercy wanted to go in the bedroom and jump on the bed. So I finally came out and there were 24-6 or 24-7 I knew. And that's when, you know, I was putting it all together in my head about what had happened. But listen, man, football's entertainment. And like I said, for years, I watched Thursday, three hours, Saturday, two hours, Sunday, six hours, and Monday two hours.

That's 20 hours a fucking week of football from September to November. I ain't mad at nobody for doing that. That's your prerogative. But you've got to ask yourself, what else can I be doing a little bit? you have to sacrifice some of it you know maybe i'll work saturday and tape it that's all i say i don't hate football nothing like that i just know there's times i'm sitting there and i'll tell myself wait a second i got work yeah i got fucking work jack i can't be fucking sitting here like zonbo watching some fucking football game especially in the middle of the season yeah i can be

watching something else anyway had a good time today i'm happy we did it at nine in the morning it brings out a different fucking side of uncle joey you know what i'm saying Anyway, we've all been there. You come home after a long, exhausting day of work, and all you want to do is sip on a glass of wine and just fucking relax. But unless you've planned ahead, you probably don't even have a bottle in your house.

You already spend enough time wandering through the grocery store, getting lost in the wine aisle. You'll just end up picking out a bottle based on a label. You don't really understand, and you get home and open it, and you realize you don't like Charnai as much as you thought you did, okay? You know, it's just a pain in the ass, especially now. They have wine everywhere.

You don't have wine at 7-Eleven now? Oh, yeah. So they got wine everywhere, and nobody knows what to do, unless you're one of those guys with the pipe and the fucking sandals that you know, that shardinade do with this and what they eat with this. Well, at Club W,

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I want to give a shout out to ring.com slash Joey. Ring.com slash church. I also want to give a shout out to clubw.com. Go over there for the fine selection of products that they have to offer you. And also a shout out to Honit. And my main man co-host, Lisa Ayat, who for some reason didn't eat an edible today. But he looks as fucked up as ever. I don't know.

I'm still fucked up from last night. You're still fucked up from last night. Yeah. You got to have a couple. So you're at the South Point and then anywhere else coming up? I'm at the Comedy Store, September. February 24th, my brother. Perfect.

And that's it. All right. And check out my podcast, Life and Neutral with Johnny Rock. This podcast is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com, use code word church, to get 10% off all of the great optimization products

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