The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #356 - Steve Byrne

Episode Date: February 16, 2016

Steve Byrne, comedian who recently filmed his fourth hour special  and one of the hosts of  "The Gentleman's Dojo" podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 02/15/2016.


This show is brought to you by Miandis. Go to Meandes.com and chipping is always free in the U.S. and Canada, and you can save up to $8 a pair with the Miandis subscription plan. Get the subscription or a single pair and get 20% off of your first order when you go to meandies.com slash Joey. That's meandes.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients and you need to make them right to your door. our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to blue apron.com slash Joey

and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blue apron.com slash Joey. And the show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com. Use code word church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like Alpha Brain and New Move. What's up, gentlemen? Hey, we were talking about how, like, I look at you sometime.

I go, yeah, I can tell you lived in New York. And you like New York? Did you start there? Yeah, started in New York. I worked at Caroline's Comedy Club, sweeping the floors, answering the phones, just first job out of college, just as a shit job to just get through and pay the bills. And I watched everybody. I saw Chappelle, everybody that was on SNL, Margaret Cho would come in.

And, you know, everybody that was coming in the New York City was headlining Carolines. I saw everybody, and I just thought, that looks like fucking fun. So that's how I got into it. Like four months later, I tried to stand up New York. And then as soon as I did it the first time, I said, I'm doing that the rest of my life. It just hoax you. Yeah. It just hooks you.

It's just like a silent addiction. Yeah. That you don't really even feel. And you're like, wait a second. I like doing this. And then they tell you about the life that you're about to go into. That's the scariest. When they tell you about the life you're about to go into, well, do you really?

know what happens. You're like, fuck yeah, you go on the road, you're bang women, you're like, no, no, no, no, no, and then you're like, you know what, I'm still going to go for it. Once you ask and ask and ask, because that's what I did. I worked at a comedy club, and I just asked the headliner in the feature and the MC. Asked them, you know, for

eight weeks. I was such a pussy. I would not get on stage. I would just keep asking every new Tuesday. I would become friends at them or bring them weed and what's it like? And, you know, they would tell me, well, you know, it's kind of rough. And, you know, some nights we sleep in our car. And, you know, at first you're like, oh, fuck it, I could do it.

You know what I'm saying? Fuck the car. Well, some nights you got a shit. You know, it was just crazy what they would tell me. Yeah. How many people working in comedy clubs do you think want to be comedians? Like the door guys, servers. Because I never look at those people and think, oh, those are the next comics.

I just figured it was a job people got for a job. But it seems like it's a lot of comics. I think it's like 70-30. 70 are there to work, and then 30% I think end up becoming entranced or wanting to do it or are there to be comics. Like you go to La Jolla, it's like the whole staff is comics. But you go to like anywhere else in the country, like an improv, I think like the door guy, sometimes the sound guy, they want to do stand-up. But most of the waitresses, they're just there to pay their bills. I don't know.

That's what I think. But we were doing the podcast a few weeks ago and I actually went home. I told how I kind of got into it. And I went home and really thought about it. And I went, I tried to find that movie, and I couldn't find it. A punchline with Sally Struthers and Tom Hanks. Like, I always knew I wanted to do it. But once I saw that movie, that pushed me over.

Yeah. I made some calls, and I stalled for a while. Then I saw a stand-up class in the paper. But it was so weird how in Colorado, you have, if you live in the Denver Boulder area, listen, the truth is or the man, I'm telling you, this is honest. There's four cold weeks a year. the two weeks before the new year and the first two weeks of January. After that, you're pretty much done.

Those are the only two weeks, four weeks that we would have to cancel work as roofers when I estimated. I would estimate, but the crews couldn't work. There was either snow or it was windy or it was icy or something like that, and I would stay home and rent movies. And that was one of the movies. Thank God for that fucking snowstorm, you know what I'm saying? And I watched that movie. And it just blew my mind.

Like I had never, my mom had a bar, but I had never dreamt of having a locker with a comedy club. Right, right, yeah. Did you pick that movie for a reason, or did you just were like at a video store and picked the movie up? I was in a video store. I was at a video store looking for stand-up shows, and I saw that movie about stand-up with Tom Hanks. I liked Tom Hanks. I picked it up, and it blew me away. I mean, Damon Wayans is in it, Angel Salazar's in it.

Yeah. Sally, what's the name? Sally Field. Sally Fields is in it. It's just a great flick. You know, the comedy club owner is so cheesy in that. Yeah. You know, it's your night baby, you know what I'm saying?

Remember me 10%? Like, he was trying to be a manager. Like that whole, it just really sparks your curiosity. You're like, fuck work. Yeah. Fucking insurance. Insurance is for pussies. Shit, I pulled out my own tooth last month.

And shit, I don't need no fucking dentist. Oh, my God, just thinking about it, gives me an oath. Where was your first time? When did you get up? 1991 at the Denver comedy works on a Tuesday Oh wow I mean what better club than that that's a No idea what was going on Steve Byrne no idea I read Judy Carter workbook Yeah

And I had done the fucking three weeks at the class yeah Did you learn anything from the class? Confidence yeah The guy pulled me aside and said You know what man if you you could do this He was a Long Island guy and guy and No, no, no, no. He was part of an improv troupe.

Harms, Jeff Harms. That was this comic's name. And he was part of an intro with Matt Woods, Matt Berry. Matt Berry is huge in Hollywood today. If you IMDB, Matt Barry, Matt Barry's been here for 20 years, just ripping people's heads off as a showrunner, executive producer. You know, he's been on TV with 20 different fucking shows. Right.

But those guys were the rumors. The rumors were when I was coming up, that they had written the act for Roseanne, the one that she brought out here. Right. Denver has always been a den for great writers. They just, they drink, whatever. I don't know what the fuck, but one thing for sure, like Roger, Rittenhouse and Steve McGrew and all those guys used to live together.

Rick Kerns, who is now a huge writer for Ron White and those guys, you know. I mean, how many shows has he been on? He's been on a bunch, but nothing. It wasn't like a lot of, I don't think they've been. maybe put stand-up stuff on there because I didn't see that on design. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about TV shows that he's executive produced and show run. Matt Berry had like 19 shows.

Like, I've been through the, I walked through the, one of the lots one day and saw his name painting on one of the things. I was like, God damn, but they paint your own parking spot, like close to the door? I got a weird actor for him, so I'll look. for another. That's okay. It's just, it's just, so that was the, those guys were the guys that I watched and said, all right. Yeah. But it was weird. I got on stage. I had a day job. Like, I left there floating on ice, but then by the time I got to the car, I said, it's a pipe dream. Yeah. You know, who the fucking mind? I'm fucking piece of shit. It fucking estimate roofs. I still blow. I can't do that shit. Exceptional people do that shit. Yeah. And I started reading books. By that time I knew

Richard Bride with himself on fire, so I had half a chance. You know, when somebody lights themselves on fire. I'm capable of that. I could do it. I could do it. He lived, you know, you just these comics when I was growing up, you know, Freddie Prince killed himself. Yeah. Freddie Prince was fucking hugely.

It's hard to sell, fairly Freddie Prince unless you live through it. Like Freddie Prince was a regular guy. He was on Chico and a man that was over. It was overly. and he used to walk around that comedy store and shoot guns in the back of the comedy store and shit and one day he couldn't take it he shot himself and that was the end.

He had the show after Sanford and Son. So everybody watched it. But the beauty about this kid, he was Puerto Rican and Johnny Carson was putting him on the panel and the air was he was going to replace Johnny Carson. I mean, he was just a personable guy. If you listen to one of his stand-up routines today, you're like, guys, go fuck yourself.

This guy's terrible. That's how, see if you could find, an old standard routine of Freddie Prince. Just seriously, you'll die. I bought a CD once. I was all excited. I bought it like at one of those places in Texas. I was on the road.

I had like a four-hour drive. I'm like fucking Freddie Prince. This guy was my hero growing up. I threw it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I went off a fucking cliff. Can I tell you I introduce Martin Lawrence at the store maybe like a few months ago?

And I thought, hey, Martin Lawrence, holy shit. Because I used to work at a video store in college. where we would deliver the videos to your dorm room. No way. It was called Video 101 at Kent State. So I watched, and I would get all the movie posters. So I had this Martin Lawrence You So Crazy poster, and I watched the video all the time.

And I must have watched that thing a hundred times in college. I fucking loved it. And then I brought them up and I was like, I should go back and watch that now. I've been seen it forever, probably since I was in college. And I wasn't even thinking to doing stand-up, that. Put it in, watch it. I was like, this is the fucking, oh, my God.

What was I? You're like, what was I thinking? Here, let's see what this guy's got in 1970, whatever. 74. Thank you. I'm not originally from L.A. I come from New York. I'm one of the New York Puerto Ricans. Well, not really, not completely, because my father's Hungarian.

So I'm a Hungarian. That's why I know I don't look it, right? I got light skin, straight hair. That's from my father. From my Puerto Rican mother, I got my nose and my mustache. I grew up in New York in a neighbor called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto. It's a ghetto suburb.

Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. Birds don't know how to fly. They just fall out of trees and bother people. Tweet, tweet, sucker, give me a quarter. Cockroaches wear sneakers and dungarees. Cockroaches are strong. You can't kill them.

You ever notice? You step on them, you hear him snap. As soon as you lift your foot, they run like hell. That's because they know we believe the snap means they're dead, so they're going, chump, and they're gone. Not bad, though. The manager, the apartment building is a good-looking dude. His name is Mr. Rivera, Puerto Rican guy. So that's what's his name's dead, Lee.

You know that, right? Freddy Prince, Jr., yeah. Yeah, all right, you put it together. That's crazy. He looks like the dude from Scarface, or was he in Scarface? No, he was dead by that. That's crazy. He looks like his friend, doesn't he?

Or maybe I'm thinking of a different movie. It's crazy. because the night, I still remember the night he shot himself. I was by the high school. I still wasn't in the high school. I was still in fucking grammar school. And it was freezing out. It was one of those nights that I made a mistake, Jack.

And at a certain time in those days, the buses went out of service. So if you cut yourself up there at 11.05, you were dead. You know, you were fucking freezing. And I walked home. I never forgot I cut through the cemetery and I had to take a shit. I'm like Jesus Christ This could only happen to me I eat like bad pizza or something like that

And the kid I'm with I'm like Walk ahead of me but stay close Because the rumor was there was devil worshipers In the cemetery at night So I like just pulled my pants halfway down And just you know I was very Catholic at the time I was very respectful

I looked for a grave that was very old Like that even his family wasn't around And they had them They had graves there from 1892 And shit So I was like a shit here these people are dead you know even the cousins are dead when i took a shit and when i pulled my pants on i left my pants on and i peed in the pants i don't forget this i peed in the pants

and it was so cold out that the pants froze oh fuck and i had to walk home like with shingles piss shingles oh i were falling off my little fucking pants like that's my memory of freddie prince bed taking a shit in a cemetery in a cemetery in a fucking cold january night or something Why did he pee your pants? It was just by accident? No, because it was so cold. I left the pants and kissed the devil worshipers came. I only shit, but I left my dick in the pants.

So I'm looking around for devil worshipers, not knowing that I'm peeing. When you shit, you automatically pee. Right or wrong. I don't know. Nobody just shits and just shit. I've never shat outside before. That's fucking crazy. Listen, man.

You're right, though. It is a double whammy. You can't do one. Well, the other, yeah. Think about it. Like, you can just pee, it's fine, but when it's a deuce, you're getting the kid and caboodle. Yeah, you do the whole, and you pee, and then you flush it and you pee and shit again.

You know, when I'm there, it's like three or four little flushes and the whole thing, but you pee in between all those. You're like, how was I holding all this pee? How the fuck was I holding all this pee? You ever pee for like 10 minutes? You're like, what is this shit coming from? Yeah. Oh, that's my favorite part of waking up in the morning.

It's like the little long-ass pee. And then let me see... And what do you motherfuckers, both these get older? When you got to get up three times a night. Like, you got to stop drinking on a two-hour... Like, on a two-night... You know those two show nights? Yeah.

You got to stop... You got to do the second show, like, dehydrate. Like, in you're going to be Africa, with Africans chasing your shit. Like, because if not, once you turn 50, you'll be up three times peeing. I didn't get it for a long time. I got, like, I'd get, like, a venty coffee at, like, midnight.

Yeah. I'd be peeing till six in the fucking morning. hour on the hour you're like fuck you got to take the sleep apnea mask off and fucking walk and pee and come back and put it on oh when you get older guys it really is a nightmare the fucking pee thing becomes a fucking nightmare yeah I like full how old are you now 42 not 41 yeah 48 you start peeing like a motherfucker you're like I gotta watch my water intake then you go to the doctor and get blood and they're like you know you're a little dehydrated sure I'm fucking dehydrate I can't drink night

I want to sleep. Oh, you can't. When I leave my house in Studio City in the morning, right here, whatever the fuck I live, right here. But the time I get to waxless, I got to pay. But the time I get the 101, I get off that Coenga exit, I'm looking for a bathroom. Sometimes you're fine one.

Sometimes you don't. You do what you need to do. You go behind the 7-Eleven. I swear to God, I got to pee all the fucking thing. Well, I used to do that in Boston, like, pee in, like, on the street. But I don't do. I'm always too scared to do it out here. Well, it's the body language.

You can just stand there. make believe you talk on the phone and be peeing, and nobody would know. What do you do with a growing puddle by your feet? You fix in between two cars and make-believe, like, one of the cars is yours. You just touch the paint. Like, you love it. Like, oh, my God. Look at this paint job.

It's like a magician. People are looking at you pet in the car. They don't see you're peeing. I do it all the time, man. I pee at Rouse. I have to. I'm old. But I don't have time to go in and pee.

I'll just open the door and make believe I'm on the cell phone and I'm looking for something. and the whole time the fucking drive from the house to the airport oh once I park in terminal four for American Airlines I don't even wait right there as I'm pulling the luggage out my dick's out I'm just making them believe

I'm peeing on my sneakers I don't care I don't really at this point that little drive from the house to the airport it's not a little drive but you guys know what I'm saying What are you doing long flights because I always I get up and pee Oh I'm a big

Even when I was bigger I always picked the window because I hated getting up on that shit No, I get a, listen, I didn't know this for years that you have to have water with you, the whole flight. Did you know that? I didn't know this. I just saw this about three years ago. The whole flight, you got to have water next to you. You have to be drinking.

I forget what the, they're going to do four ounces every fucking hour. It's something crazy on a plane because there's some type of radiation. I don't know it. I can't break it down for the people at home. I'm just telling you that once I started drinking water on a plane, everything changed. Like soda's not healthy on a plane. Alcohol is even worse. say you know nine you know for 20 years I did everything on the buy stormed

blow on a plane you know I smoked pot one time talking in 84 I smoked dope on a plane with a soldier really that I just come back from some country was like a fighter or something you just we took a flight from San Francisco together he's like man I got scoffer for a refrague I got dog I got a bowl right my fucking pocket I lied her in some week went to the back of the plane and started smoking weed like animals because in those days you could yeah you could smoke cigarettes but when I get on a plane, I see that metal ashtray. I'm like, oh, this fucking plane's going down.

I haven't been on a plane forever. That's USA. Yeah. That's the USA always got people smoking on there. They got the air things for lungs. People had cancer and got on the planes. USA, those fucking planes are ratty, dog. How they're still up there and not going down is beyond me. Every time I got to call to go to Philly, you only got to take USA air twice a year.

Yeah. Philly and some other fucking place. That's it. I think I'm not even going to Philly that route no more. Yeah. I'm just going to L.A. J.J.K.A. Whatever the fuck it is.

J.K. JFK. JFK. JFK. J.K. J.K.A. Whatever the fuck it is. I'll rent the car and drive to Philly.

Those U.S. airplanes, they're going to start going down any fucking day. Is it like one of the propeller ones? I don't even know what the fuck it is, dog. I know that you hear animals and shit. I know that American Airlines bought them and they ain't fucking. They ain't sparking on. Every time you take off on a U.S. air flight, the thing fucking.

rattles like the brothers fucking took that air up into the rattles man it's like soul plane it really fucking rattles i'm not trying to be cute or funny here i'm waiting for USA to start dropping out of the fucking sky every time i watch that's another thing 630 i don't want nobody

bothering me because that's my world news tonight for years i had dying sorry they broke my heart yeah i got rid of it because she started getting liver spots so they they replaced them with whatever's name is who I like. He's very good. But I always watch it. Every night lately, the last

fucking couple months, three nights a week, they always talk about a flight prop, and I'm sitting there pulling for USA. It's got to be USA, and they throw you off of like America and the Southwest or some shit. I can't believe people get, like, in fights on planes. Didn't it just happen? A couple times recently, people getting, like, huge,

and they have to divert something, I think, in the last week. They do not fuck around on flights no more. I tell you what? I told you, Jody Ferdig got drunk with five dudes in San Francisco. They got on the plane. One of them grabbed her pussy. She broke his nose.

What? They arrested everybody. They arrested the five dudes and Jody Ferdig. Everybody got yanked off the plane and fucking handcuffs. They don't fuck around on planes. Yeah. I had a problem on a plane once. Twice I had a problem when I played with that plane landed.

The cops were there fucking waiting. They come right on the plane and they sit next to go, we got to take care of something. and they talk to you, they don't fuck around at all. There's zero talents. Ralphie Mae's not a lot on United for kicking the counter because he missed his fight. Like that 55-minute window thing? Yeah. Like they make you.

They should have given him a medal because I can't see him getting his foot above anything. He kicked the counter low. It was like an inch off the thing. He just kicked it like any, it wasn't even like something malicious or nothing. Yeah, he's just banned. It was like going to fuck. Right. You know, what am I going to tell the club?

Like one of those, and all of a sudden, two cops came and they squatted him out, and he's not allowed in the United Terminal. That's crazy. They don't, dog, they don't out play. That's why at airports, I put my iPod. I don't even listen to people. I don't want to talk to nobody because what happens if you snap? The next thing you know, you're in a fucking Russian jail

watching Midnight Express. You see Midnight Express? Yeah. I get on a plane. I'm in the exit row. Pull the hat down against the window. I'm out like a light. Wake me if you need a hero.

That's it. I'm done. Every flight? Every flight. I fall asleep. I don't know what it does, but the minute we go up in the air, I guess maybe the lack of oxygen, I just, I'm out. God bless you.

I always sleep. I wish I could fucking pass out of planes like the old days. Do you have to take a sleeping pill? Are you just out? I'm just out. He's one of those dudes. I'm not like Mr. Tea where I need to drink the, they spike the milk and I'm fucking, no, I'm just, I get

against the window. And sometimes even they're like, yeah, you got an upgrade to the first class. I'm like, I don't need it. I'm going to be asleep here in two minutes. I feel maybe it's even like conditioned where I get on the plane. I feel like, oh, I can sleep now. That's crazy. Maybe it's a skinny thing.

I always used to be jealous of the girls who could lay down on their tray table and fall asleep. Maybe it was just when I was big. I couldn't like get comfortable in the seat. It's tough. On what seat? In any airplane seat. Oh, in any seat? Oh, my God.

When I was at my biggest, I was on a virgin plane and like the, like I kept going over the seat rest. And it's uncomfortable and then you're uncomfortable. It's tough being big on a plane. It's like, it's obviously tough for everyone around you, but it's like, that's one of the worst things about being big is getting on a plane. Like, that's why I would, I always sat in the window for other people. So they wouldn't get, so I wouldn't have to jump. No, well, it's not even me being sweet. It's me.

It's me being embarrassed. Just take the compliment. You're a sweet young man. I'm very sweet, but I don't want to step, like, I would be embarrassed to step over something. Like, I can't make, like, you know when you're a kid and you're jumping over like fences or whatever? Yeah. I've never once jumped over anything. I don't know, like, I would always trip on that stuff.

I have, like, the shortest legs in the world. I can't reach over anybody. So I just sit in the corner, and I just, I don't, I would never get up on a plane. What a sweet, lonely, young man, you are. I'm sorry. I never jumped a fence either. Every time I jumped the fence, I got caught, too. I don't think I ripped my hand.

I was not a good fence jump, but you got to have a different type of fucking, and I was thin, and I couldn't jump a fence. I didn't do it for my first pull-up. I was like, fucking 20. I just had no strength in more. I had to lift weights and do a thousand fucking pushups. I couldn't do a pull-up. I never got the patch from the president's fitness.

I had a con the gym teacher. You know what I'm saying? I'm like a fan and bring him a hot dog and shit. They got a fucking patch with the president. I can do push-ups, sit-up, squats, high jump, long jump. I get through everything. I just couldn't. Something about my hands.

What is it about it when you're young that you can do like a thousand push-ups of the little kid? But then when you get older, like, why don't your arms like stay as just as strong? Like, little kids can do like hundreds of push-ups. to my knick at night you got a fucking you know what i don't know you might be naked night my fucking wife drops my daughter off at 8 30 in the morning she runs around until 545 my wife picks her up for the valentine dance she sent me the videos it was basically her running around for an hour and a half that's eight hours nine hours of fucking running around then they get home and they put heels on and dresses and they want to make cakes and you know you got to play games

with them the fucking game you gave with it light bright last night i'm over the over the that putting fucking off on it and shit and building it with it, you know. It never ends. The energy is fucking endless. Who knows? Listen, man, I grew up at a time when you left your house at 8 in the morning,

you didn't go back in for dinner, homework, and then you ran around until 10. When I first came from Cuba, there was so much trust on the streets that kids, you had 8, 20, you had 12 kids on the fucking street that knew each other. From the ages of 6 to 12,

everybody played together. Everybody played together. together. You played everything. Stickball, two-hand touch football. Okay, let's go and eat. Then you come back. Let's go look at the dead body over on Chandler that just got stabbed. Then you go look at him. That's a mile walk.

It's a fucking mile walk that you did in three minutes flat. You know? And you weren't tired after another. Nothing. I used to walk to two guys. And I was a kid I lived on 38. Two guys. Two guys was on fucking 15th Street. What's two guys? Two guys is like this fucking Walmart.

Walmart. Yeah. Walmart. 1970s before TVs, whatever. And me and these guys used to walk it, but it was one of those hills that it was like this, but for 20 minutes, I can't do that today. Nobody could do that today. We'd do that shit twice a day. We'd walk the two guys.

You know, like you went and bought a basketball, or you went and bought a bike and the tube didn't work, how do you got back there? You took a cab, but you had Uber? You walked back, but you bike like half a fucking Momo, like a soldier. then you had to fix it there, bring it back, then you realize you forgot the pin

for the basketballs and I got to ride the bike back over there. You know, that was, you did that three, four fucking, I grew up in the second

hillyest city in the country. Did you know that? North Bergen, New Jersey is the second hillyest hill in the country. It's right over the Lincoln Tunnel. Yeah. Right when you get off the route three,

that's North Bergen. Second most hiliest in San Francisco. You don't know what I went through as a kid. That's why I'll never die. Yeah. Because I got a heart of a fucking tank. You know what I'm saying? You know many times I walked up that hill for fucking iced teas and Chinese rice and, you know, you know how many fucking ideas in the winter?

You had to walk it for breakfast to go to the high school. Then if you wanted to go out and get sicky dicky-sucky, you had to fucking walk it again at night, dog. You know. And don't talk to them about taking a shit in the graveyard. You don't want to know because there's no pisser. You got to piss your pants. I still remember it being in the spring in New York. And I had to be a junior in high school.

and me and Didi Contaro sitting in the cemetery with no shirts on doing coke and drinking an eight pack of nips. In the daytime? In the daytime. Like, fucking 3.30 in the afternoon. I still remember that plane in that same cemetery. Yeah. Because we learned that that cemetery took a half hour off your travel time. It really did.

30 to 40 minutes off your travel time. Yeah. You cut from 68th Street. and you came out on 41st Street. Was it something like everyone in the town, all the kids like taught each other, like you learned from like maybe the third graders or you just found it out yourself?

Like, because I had stuff like that. Like your older grades would tell the younger grades about it. Or were you just, I mean, I can't even imagine walking through a cemetery. If you ever go to Jersey, it's a 34, three quarter. What's the fucking math equation here? Steve burning up a little hot and shit. If you have three quarters or something,

what's left, a quarter? Right. So a quarter of New Jersey. is fucking cemeteries. If you have been the fucking New Jersey, so cut through the cemetery. A quarter of New Jersey is cemeteries. And I'm talking about huge fucking cemeteries.

You know, we had Weehawking Cemetery. I mean, three blocks from my house. That's where my mother's buried. Wehawk in cemeteries, three blocks from my house. It's not Wehawk in New Jersey. There are a lot more cemeteries back east. Why are they out here? They throw them in the fucking beach.

I don't know. They bury them on the 170. I don't fucking know what they do with these people. They send them back to Mexico. Who the fuck knows? You fly in a JFK or LaGuardia, there's always that huge cemetery as you're descending. You're like, this is not a good. You shouldn't see it.

This before you're landing. It's like, do I need to see a bunch of tombstones? What about that scene from the Sopranos where they're doing, they have a funeral, and it's like underneath the highway underpass? Yeah. Like underneath like six or seven highway underpasses is a cemetery. I told you that cemetery is everywhere. What are you going to do with them?

what would you want to build the fucking highway on a cemetery? I'm going to complain. If they build it over a fucking neighbor, people are going to say, what the fuck cars are doing 150 past my house all fucking day? A cemetery nobody gives. I'm telling you, New Jersey is a quarter of that state.

There's cemeteries. I don't know why. Then you take it like out of New York City, New York State, like Schenectady and all those places, Albany. They're a quarter fucking cemetery too. And I guarantee Boston there's no fucking party either.

Oh, but did you guys ever stop when you were driving around? the northeast and just go to those cemeteries. When I went to that wedding a couple years ago, I went to a cemetery in Vermont, it was like you were talking about, they had like 1,600 headstones. Like, it's so cool.

Like, where do you get buried if you die in Arizona? Do they have cemeteries? Because it's a desert climate. Are they... Maybe they have those, like the... The above ground? Yeah. Yeah, those freak me out that I don't want to go.

I mean, I'm sure that they dig in the desert, but I would think that the soil's harder to... I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't know where you get buried in Arizona. That's my point. Why are you playing on dying in Arizona? People usually live in dying in L.A. You want to go to Arizona constantly.

Yeah, I'll die doing the tempi improv. That'll be my swan song. The spirit of Danny Merr comes and get you. That's, uh, it's funny that we share the, uh, office here with this funeral people. Come on. Well, yeah, from across the street. Not this, not this, not our office, but this building. Jesus Christ.

It's like they came in during the day. It's morbid. I grew up with a kid who had a funeral ball. Steve Byrne, it was like, you have no idea. Yeah. And he was cool as fuck. I started hanging out with him when I was about 15. Yeah.

You know, his parents had money, so they leave him. They'd leave for three months at a time. And this motherfucker would have to do the little menial task. You know, picking up bodies, dropping them off. Oh, God. How old are they? Now he's my age. Now he's a big shot, but I mean, and he still has the funeral

Paul that's doing busy or never. Yeah. But in those days, I hung out with him. There was a lot of nights he'd say, what are you doing tonight? Can you put a suit on? I need an usher, you know, and I'd have to keep the sinks clean, and you have to take the garbage out, and you have to, you know, fucking, and it was crazy.

On the other side, we also had big time parties that. You have no fucking idea. At a funeral home? Oh my God, late nights after we'd be at a bar three in the morning. And nobody, what you want to do it? Take them back to the funeral, Paul. I can't. The fuck you're talking about you can't.

You father's in Florida. That's a tough sell to a girl. Oh, please. They love it. Really? Oh, you show them the caskets and shit. I know for a fact this guy banged maybe eight chicks and caskies. Oh, God.

That's fucking. Chicks love that shit, dog. They get banged in a casket. Oh, my God. You find the girl with the Maryland Manson T-shirt. You're like, hey, get over here. I think I know you're on party tonight. Do you close the top?

I don't think he's at all over. I don't never asked. That's freaky if they close the top. No, you don't think you can breathe. He closed the fucking top, right? Do you like Timber movies? Uh-huh. Okay.

Oh, my God. That was our, from the age of like maybe 18 to 20, that was my headquarters. What? What's his funeral parl? Because there was a bar next to it called Luchies. And Luchies was where it went down. Nothing my friend hated more than that bar next to it with Luchies. Yeah.

Because all his custom, you know, this kid always thought he was hired everybody. And here's his neighbor to Bar Luchies. They're throwing darts. They're doing blow. They're having fistfights in there. Yeah. So it was convenient because if you're in the funeral parlor, you go and they do a blast and get a cocktail. And then come back to the funeral like that happened.

This was crazy. Shit. This is crazy shit. But I still remember him and I were going to see Michael Jackson at the Metal Lance with a victory tour. And he goes, dog, I'm in a bun. And we got to take a ride to Kennedy to pick up a body that's coming from Florida. Good God. I said, I'll do it on one condition.

We stop in Harlem, get a couple bags of wheat. Done. We get in a fucking car. We shoot over the, we get the refra. We go to JFK, get the body, drive back. I'm not going to forget this. We fucking pull in. And what you do is those things that they come to body on.

It's usually a one-man thing. Those gurneys, because all you got to do is pull. it and the legs pop up and this guy as he comes out the bottom legs pop out so all you have to do is just so I ran out of the car because I had to call the girl I never forget this and I went into the embalming room and there was a phone there I mean this is how natural it was yeah I went into the embalming room I picked up the phones and I call this girl and I'm like we'll pick you up at like 630 blah blah blah and I'll never forget that I look over and he's like die and he threw the body at me what the body was on the thing like this is like

running on the wheels, and it's fucking, I moved out of the way and it hit the wall, and all of some of the mouth went, and I fucking dropped the fire. Who had more fun than to be growing out of Steve Byrne? Who the fuck hangs out with a stiff fucking wrangler? Was there, I mean, did he ever think that there were, like, were there haunted spells,

or were they, like, kind of ghostly spirit or entities that ever happened at the funeral home? Not one time. Not once? He's still one of my best friends. I mean, now he's just really busy and, you know, I mean, I took him to the longest yard premiere. I mean, that's how tired I am. Yeah.

I mean, he's my brother, you know. But that was, and but then this is where it used to get funny. We used to get fucked up. We used to get fucked up. Were dead people in the basement still? This is, oh, yeah. We used to get fucked. But no, no, this was way before.

I mean, we used to have a blast with him. Growing up, he was really a fun guy. Because if his page it went off, that means he had to pick up a body. He would have like three pages. And if one page it particularly went off, but once he had a couple in them, we'd just take the page of from them. You know what I'm saying? Like once he'd have a couple of fucking cocktails going,

we take the page of them. And then we'd get home and his dad would be waiting from. Where the fuck you've been to two bodies in Newark Airport? You're out fucking Dilley Dowling, get in a fucking car. And we'd be jacked, fucked up out of our minds. And he'd tell me, you got to take the ride with me. Yeah, you fucking kidding me. You stole the beeper.

So three of us would have to get in the car and take a ride out and pick up bodies. Because we were going to drop the bodies off and we were going to know the package. I mean, that's how crazy we were at that age. But there was a lot of nights where we would still be up at 8 and he'd have a funeral. Oh, God. Okay, so he'd drop us off and we'd get in whatever call we had and we wait 10 minutes and we'd go by the funeral parl. And he'd have the clones in front of the funeral parl. He'd be standing there with his suit, pale.

Oh, yeah. You know, his jaw would still be gone. And my friend would step on the fucking cut gas and knock over his coat. Hilarious, hilarious. What is it like being high in a car? You can hear, like, just the body rattling around and whatever thing it's in, like that metal? One night, me and him got fucking lit. And we came and went through Hudson County Park to get to the George Washington Bridge.

and it was the beginning of a snowstorm and the car started spinning around. She is. We got a fucking stiff in the car. Get them. I mean, these were just times that I wish, there were so many times I wish I had a video camera. Like it would have been unacceptable,

but these are the things that people would never believe. Like us pulling over in Harlem with a fucking stiff in the car and getting a bag of reefer or getting a package. I mean, this is crazy. Like he wasn't even back. there. Yeah. Like it was just a part of doing business. Like if you wanted to run into the city, I'd take the ride of me to pick up the body. I'll stop. I can't imagine like parting with my friends

and being like, all right, we got to go pick up a dead body and then we'll come to be continued. A dead body would be the end of my night, but it's kind of like, you know, it's like, all right, there was so many different. I was in high school. It was a kid named Rob Merlo. His dad had a restaurant called Roberto's or something. And it was the second best, like it was written up, like New York area's best. And he used to cut a deal with this man. He said, listen, guys, plain and simple. Friday night you come, you clean the bar, all you get eaten, whatever you want, booze.

So basically, if we went to his restaurant at 12, we take an eight ball and just drink all night for free after the bar closed. Oh, wow. And drink till six and then take the car down the shore. That's how crazy. you were in high school. We had all these little scams that we did. What are you going to do for that night, Steve? And I'm not going to why.

Come with us. We'd get over there about two. We would go to Joe Marys at 10, drink till three, and then take the car to fucking mandos. Mandos, that was the name of it. And we'd have to clean. But we clean fucking lit. When you're 19 or 20, you don't give a fuck.

Because we knew it's seven. We were just going to wash our hands and go down the shore for the weekend. Yeah. Can you imagine that? And not even going to sleep. That's great. I'm not even thinking about going to sleep till maybe sundaily. You couldn't have done a good job cleaning,

and then you cleaned and you took all of his booze. He must have been pissed. He didn't give a fuck. It was his father's restaurant. He was there with us. No, but the father must have been pissed. He didn't know. The father was somewhere.

The father owned elevator companies. This was just like his fucking ride off. And the restaurant became like this fucking big deal with write-ups. Every time you went in there, the Knicks were there. Anybody, you know, all those athletes at least. But in New Jersey were there, you know, so it was kind of interesting to go in there. Yeah. You know what all that shit is.

Yeah. You were there for eight years. The reason why I wanted to talk to him. I shot a special in Vegas and it just failed miserably. Give me A to Z. How many specials have you done? I just finished my fourth. Fourth.

Give me the anatomy of the Steve Burns special. The anatomy. How long to take the right? For me, two years. Because I... So you've done four specials in eight years? Well, because of Sullivan and son, it took me an extra year and a half for the third one. So, yeah, about like almost, you know, eight or nine.

Was it stressful for you? Did you go into it with a different mentality? Yeah, I think the first one, you know, the first one is a culmination of, oh, okay, thanks, is a culmination of your first few years in stand-up. So you have all these years and you're trying to figure things out, and it's just a jumbled mess. And then my second and third one, I started figuring out. But basically what it comes down to is, for me at least, you come up with a thesis.

What is it I want to communicate? What is the question that I would like to answer over the course of this hour special? So, for example, the second one was burnt identity. And it started with me going to China for the Olympics. And everybody there is like, what are you? It's like, oh, I'm American. But then you come back to America. And people are like, oh, what are you?

It's like, oh, I'm Korean and Irish. and I just thought if I'm American in China and if I'm American in Europe or Ireland but in America I'm not American I'm Korean and Irish that would be a fun way to explore my identity being Korean and Irish and so that that became the thesis

for that of saying I'm an American I'm going to prove it this that the other thing make fun of a bunch of different races and then this one I turned 40 I have two kids now and I didn't want to just have somebody turn on Netflix for example and see oh this guy's

40 years old and he's talking about being 40 well I'm fucking 21 I'm in college fuck this guy I'm gonna watch you know Aziz or Jezelnick or somebody else so I thought why not trying to communicate to somebody half my age and give them lessons along with my children so you know

you tell the truth you don't lie where's the joke in that where's something that's happened to me that's a personal experience that I can parlay that to somebody half my age so that kind of became the backbone of this new hour Do you ever write jokes that you know won't be on the special or are all of your jokes now?

No. I mean, you write them all thinking, okay, this will be a part of it. And I actually had a closer that was really like, really, you know, got applause breaks all the time. It was failproof. It was just great. And I closed on it. And it was until the last month that I thought, you know, you built up all this goodwill. You talk about your family, your daughter, your son, your wife and family.

And then I'm doing this dirty sex joke about the. between women buying shoes and guys think in that same way with blow jobs. And it was great. And then I just thought, do I want to end the show like this after talking about my family this whole time? So I just thought I'm going to scrap it and do something a little more meaningful. So I wrote something about a month ago and that became the closing bit. So, but I think everything that I written will possibly end up on the show on the special

yacht. That's crazy that you said that. Because Joey, you had a bit in the where you said a word a couple of, times, but you said it by mistake earlier, and you said, I can't say it there because it's too much. And I can't imagine. I would never have thought that you would have to think, oh, I've built up all this goodwill. I don't want to have a dirty, like, and for you, like, Joey, like, you're a dirty comic. You would think, well, you say stuff like that. So you would, you would think you would say it as much time, as many times as you wanted. But it's interesting that you have to censor yourself

a little bit. Well, I think just in terms of this particular, because my last one, I was really dirty at the end. The last like 15 minutes, it's just like a Fourth of July Statue of Liberty fireworks finale. I had the whole crowd chanting anal. It's like you got a thousand people going, ano, anal to this poor girl in front who has not received anon. I'm telling her, honey, it's common like a full moon. Brace yourself. There's a freight train out there, circle in this country, head him right towards that asshole. So it just, you know, it's like I did that last one. It was so dirty. And then this one, I'm talking about my kids. I'm talking about my wife. I'm talking about my family.

I'm talking about, I want my kids. Yeah. And yeah, then the last joke just wouldn't fit because it's not how you start. It's how you finish, especially with these specials. You remember Chris Rock dropping the mic. You remember that last joke. And it's like, I want this special to be remembered in a different light than the other way. And let's say that was your first special.

Would you have made that choice or would you have just gone with a good joke. I would have gone with a good joke, yeah. In a heartbeat, yeah. But I think the older I've gotten, it's like. Especially with kids now, with my kid, it's like, I always want them to be proud of me. And like, I've got some really dirty jokes. I mean, I remember my first Comedy Central half hour. I'm on all fours doing a doggy style joke talking about how women just lose the will within four minutes.

And they just drop down. And the ass stays popped up. But the head's just bang. So it's banging on the stage. And I'm talking, oh, my God, your pillow smells like shit. Now, here I am banging my stage. My ass is on the air. And I look in this crowd.

and my mom and dad are both looking at me and I'm just like, oh, for fuck sakes. But, you know, at the time, you're going to do the joke. It kills, and it still did. I love that joke. My daughter was sitting on my lap yesterday. I'm watching some on the computer with it. We're going through some videos.

And I got like this chill in my spine. For years, I tried to recircuit myself. I try to be a different person. And this little girl is doing it all by herself. Like, because you're thinking about what you have on YouTube. by now in 15 years. Yeah. And if you want me to tell you, I'm lying to you,

and I haven't thought about this, you don't know anything about me. Like, I've thought about this. Yeah. Something's going to happen on then. She's going to go on YouTube for two hours and see some of this shit and go, what the fuck happened?

This is not the guy I knew, or I didn't know my dad fucking did this, or he mugged the fag, or he did this, or he, you know, it's just a big worry of mine. It's a very big worry of mine. I think it's going to be great. No, it's not. No, it's not because I tell you what, man, one of the things I'm very much against is parenting with alcohol or anything like that. I've always felt in my heart because I grew up with a mom that fucking drank in front of me. She smoked dope in front of me. So I have the ability to say this shit that when you see your hero doing something, that's it. That's it. There's no alcohol in my fucking house for a fucking reason. There's no fucking alcohol in my house. There's weed on the balcony.

for now, today. But she watches me when I go outside guys. They ain't fucking stupid. They smell something. They watch when you go outside and come back and why you go outside and sometimes she bangs to see why I'm outside. You know,

if she's not thinking about doing drugs and she sees me smoking on one of these periscopes, you know, they win her heroes. Yeah. That's how I look at things. I don't know a bunch of people going to disagree with me. I know how, that's what it was for me. and I made a fucking analysis of all the kids I grew up with.

I have a friend that's crazy. Timmy Hollowen. Listen to the podcast still. He's a fucking teamster. One thing about his parents, his parents knew we were doing everything. But they were saying, in this house, you're not going to have a fucking beer. Yeah. I respected that.

Oh, my God. His grandmother would squash the beers with a hand, the Budweiler. Crush him on her head. Crushed. No, she'd crush him with her hand. It was hilarious. But in their house, you were not allowed to drink. until this day I really respected that

even me and you know in 1982 I was doing blow pills heroin I respected that you weren't allowed to drink so these are the things I'm scared of yes and I know that you don't want to see your daughter's talking about doggy style

Jesus fucking Christ the shit I got on eating ass and sticking fingers in your pussy and picking them up by the hoof you know I'm gonna need my daughter to see that shit and that's a reality that you know we deal with later but yeah for right now from here on it i'm gonna make a conscious decision to maybe watch yeah you try to because even like in the special i just filmed you know i have this joke about

you know this girl in a porn and how she deserves love and here i am i'm acting it all out the girl's getting from behind she's jerking off guys blowing guys and at the end i go oh my god this is being filmed and i feel like years from now my daughter will be at a lunch table in junior high school with a bunch of her friends around a tablet and there'll just be a a gif of me just like doing all the shit. Girls are like, what's your dad doing? Oh, my dad, he's getting butt-fucked. And he's blowing guides and jerking them off.

But he's working. He's at work. It's like, oh, okay, good. That's what I have there out there in the world. But I'm addressing it as opposed to like the last special that's on Netflix now was so racial. But I was doing it just before my daughter was born. And I mean, I think I went there and I crossed the line at certain points too. But that's something that also resonated with me because as my daughter gets older, I don't want her, you know, because everybody can skew it however the way they wanted to.

Because as a comic, when I talk about race, it's like, it's like where when I grew up in Jersey, I grew up in Pittsburgh, especially in New York City. That's why I filmed the special in New York City, the last one champion. It's because you can talk about race freely in New York City because people don't give a shit. They're just like, oh, it's a black guy. Yeah, I don't give a shit. Whereas in Iowa, it's like, oh my God, it's a black guy. You got to watch what you. It's like, no, in New York, anybody can make fun of anybody because you're all jammed in that 14

square mile island. And everybody's there just busting balls, cutting chops, and knowing that that city is, everybody's got each other's back at the end of the day in New York City, I believe, the time I spent there. So I think when you talk about race these days, it's so, so thin ice. And I don't want my daughter getting older and any of her friends thinking, oh, this guy, Oh, her dad's racist or whatever. Just completely the opposite.

Because I always thought that when you make fun of people, you make fun the ones you love. And I always thought you can make fun of anybody here. I'm sorry, golly. Oh, I was just going to say, I totally agree that I think the problem that a lot of parents have are that they, you just think it's bullshit, especially now with the internet. I didn't really grow up with the internet. But now even younger kids must know that weed's okay or something or like there is kind of bullshit or stuff like that. it's always the parents who like have like honest conversations that the kids turn out the best so now it'll be embarrassing for them when they're young but every kid is embarrassed of their parents in

middle school like always yeah like you guys are going to be the cool fucking dads it's going to be embarrassing from like eight to 16 or something but after that you're going to be cool i think especially like joey you know with everything he's done and just being so such an open honest book i think it's just like as a dad and especially as a comic, you know, just for me speaking, it's just like we've seen everything. Like we, there's no party you're going to go to that's better than any party we've been to. There's no body you're going to hang out with. It's cooler than anybody we hung out with. So whatever it is you're doing as a kid, it's like, go ahead and do it, have fun. But listen to me, I've seen it all. So really take this in. That's something I want

permeate in my daughter's head. It's like, listen to me. I'm telling you this. It's up to you to make your own decisions, but trust me, I'm a fucking pro. I did it. I seen it. I've been around it. There's nothing you're going to do that's fucking cooler than anything I fucking did. So you got to catch up to me, but you're learning from a pro. So just chill the fuck out. Know that this is bad, but it's up to you. Now, the baby's a boy. The baby's a boy. The girl is three and a half. Now, here's the funny thing. Now, your daughter's 17. Your son's 14. Here's your son with three of his little gumbas watching you eating the girl's ass on stage

and talking I high five the son but the daughter's like oh that's it right now the boys are going to be in the room going oh shit your dad's the shit yeah that was the shit where your daughter's gonna be you're so gross dad how you know what I'm saying yeah yeah but they're supposed to but at least you're not a fucking accountant

which is great but you guys are you guys are gonna be on TV you like they're like eventually they're gonna be like where are the stars of death can you out like just to you you guys are going to be but it's we live in california it's going to be legal by then oh my god it's going to be good you but you're you're going to be forced to just be straight up honest there's going to be no at a certain point there's going to be no more sugar coating coating stuff kids fucking now and they're getting insulted when you bullshit they do yeah i know a lot of kids that are fucking mad at their parents for something i grew up with

like three dudes and over the years i was like what the fuck are you talking to me You know, it's funny, I think kids honestly are like any stand-up audience. They cut through the bullshit. They know when you're lying. You got to be up front. Other than, I mean, when you're on stage, you've got to be funny. But there is a similarity. I believe with children in the audience, they just know.

They can sniff you out in a heartbeat. So you've got to be honest. I think at least as a comic on stage and as a parent, you always have to be honest. You really believe that you went to the coolest parties in the show? shit. I think so, yeah. I mean, I fucking... When you were a comic or before you were comic? Oh, when I was a comic. Yeah, I worked... Really? I did Beacher's Madhouse with Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Dove Davidoff, all these guys out of New York, and Beecher used to have these shows

in Vegas at the Hard Rock. So the show would be on Saturday. You know, he'd give you room, so you'd get in Wednesday and just part of the whole week. So when I first moved here, that's how I paid my rent. I lived in Vegas at the Hard Rock pretty much. for two summers straight and into the spring and just collected that check and we saw so it was a blast it was the fucking best I was young I was single I was in my 20s or early 30s and just in Vegas this was 10 years ago yeah late 20s actually yeah it was the best and then come in here and just hanging out with all those guys when I first moved here to L.A. and then obviously in New York City being a stand up in New York City my first seven or eight years at the the comedy seller, you're going out every night. I mean, I wouldn't get home until six or seven in the morning. It was the fucking, it was

the greatest. Be absolute fucking best. What would you do till seven in the fucking morning? A drink, hang out, try to meet girls and girls at the show. Where would you leave the car? What times do they close? I mean, you know, New York, you can sell her at that time. It was always Godfrey,

Lampinelli, me, Artie Foucault. We had the last four sets from 1 o'clock to 2 in the morning. So we always closed it out. And if you're there, You know, it's in the summer, New York City, NYU's right there, all those college kids. I'm just a few years older than them. They want to go out there. Fuck, yeah, tourist is in town.

They've never been to the cell. They just saw Dave Chappelle. Now they see me on the same stage. And it's like, hey, I'm asking you to get it. Yeah, that's kind of cool. So it's like, we had a fucking great run. A fucking great run. Seven in the morning.

Seven in the morning. Yeah, always at the Waverly Diner. Godfrey and I would get some flapjacks and call it a night. That's the best. I always wanted to live in New York. I'm happy with what I'm doing, but that's when I interned out here and I was going back to do my last semester in college, I thought I was going to go to New York. That's such a different, listen, night lurking is a complete different world, and there was no better night lurking than I was. Now I'm scared to go out at night.

I got to like 1130, I got to go home, though. Bad shit happens. Yeah. But I used to lurk. I loved it. That's why I want to know what you. I mean, I did drugs till 8 in the morning. Yeah.

You know, I watched vinyl last night. Yeah, and, you know, Dice Clay plays this guy, and they give him a big Coke rock at the bar party. Listen to the phone rings three days later. He goes, dog, we're still up. That was me and my friend. Yeah. You're still up at a hotel room, you know, still up.

Yeah. Three guys, 11,000 people have been through there. Women, you fucked women in there. They've left. One came back and blew your hair. friend you know she brought no but he's jealous what about the club he was walking into he was watching like there were girls blowing guys in the bathroom this is correctly you know when when I left New York City for me the day I got in that car it wasn't like I cried

and nothing but I knew I was missing a great part of New York City I left New York City before it ended. Like I left the first time in April of 83. And then I came back and I caught that 85-84-vibish, which was still just superb, you know, where I understood what you're saying. Yeah. But I wasn't doing no fucking comedy jack.

I was working and, you know, you leave your house. In those days, you would go out at 10.30 because Miami Vice came on at 9. And between Miami, 9 and 10, you got a package of Coke delivered to your house. You did a couple lines. At 10.30, you walked into the club with your new shoes and shit. But you didn't go to a club club. You went to like a New Jersey club.

Right. With all your fucking little idiot friends. What's the New Jersey Club? The Medicos. The Medicos. We've been going there since we know the fucking bartender. We get the hook up. You go in there.

You got a tab. Is it just a bar? Just a bar. Maybe some food. It's a thousand bread earnsts. But you're not going to eat. You're not eating. You're doing packages.

And also, like at 2.30, you'd shoot into men at them. We go to one of those fucking crazy clubs. Yeah. Now, let me see. I'll tell you what was crazy. On Thursday nights, I went my friend Mike Askley's the studio 54 one time. This was 1984. So all that, wise and molly shit was done.

This was, it was a different club. But I do remember snort and coke in the girls' bathroom. And it was fucking huge shit like that and people fucking in the bathroom. The guy's getting their dick sucked. I wasn't getting my dick sucked. I can tell you I got my, I didn't get my dick sucked. But when the fuck, uh, where the fuck did I go that people getting their dick sucked and stuff like that? Oh, the graveyard when you took a shit?

No, no, no, no, no, no. The 1040 club? The 1040 club, but that was with kids like when I was 16 that took me to a fucking hookah house. Not the 1041. What's the one where the guy, it's three, four. I was thinking about you. I thought that's what we were seeing not Ram Rons was the gay bar, but then there was the other place But there was a it was just a different New York is very free like I remember walking into and the names of the block But people had eight balls on the table I could have been a cop yeah

The doorman just had hey clean your nose yeah it was fucking crazy it was just a crazier time and you'd see people on Monday I don't have my friend's mom's on me in 1987 my friend Anthony Sabatino I got a call from his mom once a month Coco you talked to Anthony he was on a plane to Vegas I was hoping he's by you you know because those people in New York could get two three days of coke on him and go what do you want to do with this in the hotel room fuck let's go to Miami you know many times my friends showed up at Colorado in those days Jesus one time they showed up I was in Boulder and I got a call I show up some

place like this is a fucking this is a tremendous I get to my house and they're like, hey, your friends are here. What are you talking about? They just called her at the airport. Call them at this number. I go all the way, 45 minute drive to the airport. Sure enough, they paid the guy to tell me not. They're at the strip club in Denver.

I sent them out. I put them in a car. I get to the strip club. They got the whole table. They're fucking whacked. Foams coming out of their noses. We're up in Jersey. We're like, let's go to Denver.

Let's go to Denver. We went to the really good strip club. They rented a hotel across the street Like four fucking rooms connected Then we went back up there They bought champagne And we're up there drinking And three strippers came up

Then two of them got paranoid And gave me the Coke And we hit it in the wall And the tissue thing Where the tissues come out of the wall I'll never forget that And they forgot which one it was Then we got up the next morning

They were straight They're like, well, we're going back home You could keep the Coke I'm like you gotta be fucking kidding Man we paid for the room till Friday But we're going back Where did they get this money? They were selling Coke.

And they would go on these benches, and they would fucking go for three or four goddamn days. So they were trying to make money, but they were doing that much of it. But they're good friends because they go, they're doing it blow, and they go, we got to go see Joey. Oh, my God. We got to go see him now. Go to Newark, and then they just fucking show up. That's the best. Listen, the 80s, people showed up with no suitcases.

Yeah. Do you understand, Millie? You know, it's like if I just call you, go, Steve Byrne, Cokes, what's going on? Johnny, Joey, what's up? Where are you? L-A-X. What are you talking about? I'm an L-A-X.

I'm going to take an Uber. Listen, I got two ounces of Coke on me. Call your friends. It's the best. It's from Noriega. It's left-door. And you're like, okay. And I'd show up and with this clothes.

Yeah. Like three days. All I did was get up, take a shower, and put this clothes back on. Yeah. Snort Coke. You know, it's smoke and airline fucking piss. and I'd buy clothes tomorrow, but tonight we party with the two. That's how fucking crazy.

And I'd say, where were you guys? Well, we went from Philly to Atlantic City to fucking Connecticut, and then we flew out here. So how long have you guys been gone since Saturday? It's fucking Thursday. Have you guys slept? We slept on the plane for an hour with this asshole flushed the Coke down the toilet. Thank God we got another shipment sent out for the whole time. It was craziness.

And I'm sitting there going, oh, my God. this could have been made. Now I get why you don't want to go to like the Hollywood parties. Like, if Mercy ever wanted to go to like a Hollywood party one day, he'd be like, listen, my friends flew out with no suitcases for a week. I've never been to a Hollywood party. When I got here, I think I went to one one night to meet somebody. And I walked in and there was a dude dancing with the wall.

And I'm like, I don't need this in my life. And people were sitting there and going, look at him, he's brilliant. and he was an actor. I'm like, I mentioned no names, no names. He was dancing with the wall, and people were like, oh, my God. He's gone now. I haven't seen him in a movie in 15 years. That was like a fucked up movie.

He was in or something. I forget what the kid's name was anyway. And that was it. That was my history of Hollywood parties. Yeah. They just weren't. I didn't. El compadre is as crazy as I get.

You were going to El Camperger? Yeah. That's so, yeah. You see some crazy shit in there. Every night when I was, I go to the store, I go, tonight I'm going to go over there and get a burrito. Yeah. I went about three weeks ago, but they got valet parking now.

Fuck you. I used to run this back parking line, you know what I'm saying? I used to be out of here until 6th the morning because that used to be a happening, when I first moved to LAE, that was a happening comedy neighbor. There was Stanhope, DePaul, Mitch Hedberg, Josh Wolf, Ralphie Mae. Everybody lived on those blocks, and then they would meet and play tennis. It was crazy. Yeah.

This is 97. But now they went valet park on. I don't compot you, suck my dick. Fucking painful. How about Jumbos Clown Room? You do that? Never. Never?

Never. That I thought you would be a ringer for that. It's such a dive shithole, but it's so fun. And it's great, and all these girls are tatted up like suicide girls. And, you know, they're not the hottest, but they're really nice. And it's just like a fun vibe. Are they naked? I think they get shirtless.

But every time I've been there, I've been just fucking. heard about that place. I heard about that place when I first moved here. Now, do they do comedy, Natalie? All I heard is it's kind of like a weird, kind of a hipster strip club. Weird strip club. It's a really, really weird strip club. But there's no, it's called Jumbo's

clown room, but there's no clowns. It's just, I don't know why it's called that, but it's really fucking, and every time I've been there, I've been so drunk, wherever I go with, I buy t-shirts for everybody. It's like, we got to remember this. Like, a night. It sounds kind of like, she where Ari films the show,

Cheetahs. It's on Hollywood Boulevard past Western. Towards Between. It's so funny because anytime I wear my shirt, that's when guys, you'll be out or like when I wore it on like the Sullivan Sunset, it was always the crew guys. It was like, dude, I fucking love

that place. It's like, it brings the guys out of the woodwork that have ended up there and had a great night. I've never really been a big strip club guy. I just went back after maybe 16 years. I got off the exit one night, went to this one I paid by myself about a month ago.

Tremendous. Yeah. I got one table dance and left. That's a, I dropped a soda. She gave me a table dance. I came in my pants. I got my car. I told my wife a couple days later, she was giggling her ass.

So I can't, I can't do it. I was never really a big, let's go down and hang out. I get nervous. Yeah. I get really insecure. I get nervous. I give myself excuses not to be there. I think they're going to hate you.

I think this derbyers once just. hate everyone who walks in. I know they make money off of you, but... They don't hate you. They're half a whores, you know. You gotta have something in you. The dabble in that fucking world. I think, too, when you tell them you're a comic,

it's almost like kindred spirits. Right, we are kindred spirits. Yeah. Because this girl said to me, she goes, I just saw you at the store Wednesday night. How fucking crazy is it. It was great. It was fucking great.

I walked in and walked out. Yeah. Got in my car and she ran to the door, and she's like, come in. I just saw you at the store Wednesday night. What are you doing? We started talking. I go, what are you charged?

I went up, looked at the menu. I went to the ATM, and I gave it to us. Do your thing. It was great, and it was great. It wasn't like I was there out of desperation. Right. When I got divorced in 91, I went to the bus stop a couple times. And I met a girl one night at Denny's, and nothing really happened.

We were going to do stuff. And then she went, we were going to go on a date, and the chick I was divorcing, this stripper went to get a hair cut on the hill where my wife cut hair. and sat in the chair. And my wife's like, why you need a haircut? She goes, I'm going to date when a comedian time, Joey D. is. Can you believe that all the fucking places to put yourself in this? For your guys this first date?

Oh, man. I was going to take her to dinner. She was going to go see me host at the broker. Oh, dude. So she canceled the date? Fuck, yeah. My wife threw her out of the chair. Cancel the day.

Cancel the wedding. The marriage. It was fucking crazy. guys. Jesus. You know what, man, I threw, we threw a fucking wrench in here. The special. What the fuck? So the last special, you shot in Chicago, not Zanis.

Not Zanis, no, two weeks ago did it. And we were talking about this before the show. Because I think sometimes when comics film an hour, they film it in front of, you know, the Chicago theater. It's like 3,000, 3,500 people were like somebody who would go to an arena. And I don't think you hear laughs. You hear, like, you hear like. noise and I thought you watch Sarah Silverman like she always does it kind of in an intimate space

and I thought I'm going to do that I'm going to find something that's not too small because hers are like 75 100 people but this was a few hundred people and we did it at this place called lincoln hall in Chicago it's fucking awesome really really great how many people I think uh three 400 people that's all you need yeah I got to do a showcase next one is she of steepard yeah I'm having a big problem with this. It's at the Comedy Store main room. Oh, you think of a film in there? No, no.

I got to do a showcase next weekend for a couple different people. Oh, I got you. And the people who set it up, so let's do the main room. I didn't realize it until I went to a store of the room. Yeah. I went to a showcase in the main room. Go, the O.R. That's what I'm saying.

With a belly, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to cancel it for next Wednesday. Tell them to see you in the O.R. First of all, they won't move it for you? Listen, when I moved to LA and you sign with an agency, once a year you would get a call in October. And your agent would put me, Steve Byrne, you know, Sebastian, Bobby Lee, at the improv. And your agency gave out pieces of paper with your name and your picture and what you did and what you want to do. And you went up and they said, and it was 20 minutes, 15 minutes.

these guys want me to do an hour. An hour in the main room? Yeah, and I'm like, I don't want to do an hour. Do an hour on the belly. You'll pack it in. It'll be crammed. It's just what you want, and have them to see you there. Adam will do that for you in a heartbeat.

You have to move it to the main room. You want to do that on like a Saturday. That's, you know, but not even if you filled it up, right? Because you've been back for a couple of years. You've only done the main room when I've been there two or three times. Oh, I ain't death in there again last. night just to confirm it. I'm an old war guy.

You know what I'm saying? I'm an old old guy. And you are what the fuck you are. And every once in a while, just so you don't get putting on a monkey wrench, you say, fuck it, I'll do the main room on a Sunday or a Monday, it's hockey night, whatever the fuck it is. And you go in there

and you're okay. But if you've been training in the original room, your timing's kind of off, especially the guy, you know what I'm saying? Like, unless you're like a slow storyteller with a suit on, The fucking main room works. I'm an animal.

You know, I got no class. But I know this going in, Steve Byrne. The original room is where you go and you got no class. Somewhere along the line, you fart. Hey, no. Yeah. Hey, no. The original room is the master of no class.

Yeah. Because you'll see it. And that's what turns to. The original room is a magical room. You and I, you could go home at no room. It's amazing. Especially when you go on a Wednesday night, and there's a buck 20 in there

and you have a mediocre set but the two jokes you were writing how you go home what do you feel I can't wait to get go back Thursday it's the greatest it's and it's and it's

$15 yeah but you want to go back Thursday yeah like you could do a thousand things you can work at Walmart and make more fucking money than 50 it's such a fucking when I get home sometimes the comedy store

and I'm sitting there sometimes I want sons of anarchy to calm down I'm like, the same dick. That's your cool down? This ain't dick. I'm fucking crazy than these fucking guys right, motorcycle. We were just at the comedy store, original room.

Nothing better than the OR. Because the O.R, it's the one, like, no matter what you say, no matter what kind of, it doesn't matter. How far you go, how, you are accepted, warts and all, in the O.R. Period. Amongst that crowd, in that room, it's the best. And when your timing's in there, it's when your timing's, it's, when your timing, his arm one of those nights where all the stars are aligned. Yeah.

And they get aligned from time to time in certain rooms. You lift your own spirits up to go into that room. You know the way the Bacoust, you know, Zaini's the other one by the airport. That's Papa's room right there, Jack. Yeah. That's my world right there. Zanee's downtown. I love it, but it brings me back to prison.

You know what I'm saying? I'm doing a prison show. Yeah. It's too, for some reason, my timing don't work in that. You know, I'll tell you this, this might sound weird, but, you know, when I had that show on the air, Sullivan and son, it was so fun doing it. But the few times I've ever felt like a superstar, it was on a Tuesday night in the OR after a killer set. And you're just like, fuck, that's what, that's why I got into this. You get your car.

You tip doc double. Yeah, you tip doc doubles. Go get yourself a carny dog. Get the fuck out of my face. I'm out of here. I'm getting 15, but I'm giving you a 50. That's how good I do. Let me take my time on the way out so I don't hit Cork McCowan's motorcycle over,

but then I'm going to fucking lay a patch out of here. Fuck, yeah. Victory lap. And you're going to make a left on sunset to prove your point. Fuck it. There ain't no bike or cops out. It's Tuesday night. It's fucking great.

Really is. It really. Oh, my God. I love Tuesdays and Wednesdays when you go up there with, you got 15 minutes, and you go up there with seven minutes of material that you have, and eight that you had just been thinking about. that morning. Yeah.

And you remember to write down. No, it seemed like you weren't, you didn't really want to do an hour. Would you rather do like a 15 to 20 minutes out? Oh my God. To do an hour in front of industry. Oh, the worst. On a Wednesday night, Lee,

is the worst. You always want to leave them wanting more. When I go to Chicago or Steve Byrne goes to Pittsburgh, we do 50 fucking minutes. It's fun. After you've been there, two or three times you get local references

that you or now you get to know what I'm saying? Like I did this joke in Buffalo that's my favorite joke that I've written that was the dumbest joke in the world that when you call, you know, you're trying to plan the Buffalo, you call the airlines and they're always like, really?

Like I always love that about Buffalo loves it. Buffalo is the only city when you call American Airlines and go, I want to go to Buffalo, like, listen, You know what I go to the pub. Stupid shit that they like, you know what I'm saying? It's stupid shit, but after you've been there two or three times, you get to know things. When you're on, like a Thursday night in there, and then Saturday comes on, that's a great feeling.

You go back to your whole term. You got to check in your pocket, and you just let them fucking know what the fuck was going on in your heart. Even the 730 show, which I'm 50%. Are you debt on the 730 shows on a Saturday night? I'm the king of those things. So I know it going in. So I make like a B list of all jokes I want to try. The offense of the shit just to get it out of the way.

And I pack them in there, like every six minutes, then I pack them in a little heavier towards the end. Sometimes you wins and sometimes you don't. Sometimes the words are very important. That's really good that you, you're smart when it comes to this special. That's why I wanted to talk to you about. I failed. I completely failed, completely failed.

Material-wise, timing-wise. I don't think I could do a 50-minute special. Oh, are you kidding? Yeah. Because I have to do the material in such a way that I really have an hour and 10 of material to do in 50 because of how quick I want to unleash it on you. Right.

You know, when I come out there, especially at the comedy store, listen, lesson number one, if you're a comedian, you go to the comedy store. Why? And this is the only thing I could ever add to you. When you're at the comedy store from Thursday to Sunday night, you've got to bring it to the first three fucking minutes, especially with Mitzie was lurking.

Yeah. If Mitzie was lurking, you had three fucking minutes to kill. Because that bitch could be having a conversation in the main room, and she would have this ear zoned into the original room. And she would tell you, you'd walk back there, and she'd go, come here. I did do. Not too good.

That stupid junk didn't work. God damn it. Yeah. How'd you know? Dog, it was fucking crazy. So that style that had to jump on people was from bombing. Yeah. I bombed so bad behind Don Herrera.

I bombed so bad for so long behind Paul Mooney that I go, this is the only way I can learn to grab the audience. It's just by grabbing them, you know, keep it going for Steve Byrne. What the fuck is going on with you cocksucker? I'm not going to do nothing, Steve Byrne. You go up there and start dilly down after. really good act. Yeah. And you're just sinking.

The clock is on. You're sinking. You're up there playing around, and all of a sudden, you lose them on the four-minute mark at the comedy store, original room on a fucking Wednesday night or Thursday. You're done. Yeah. And I've done it. That's why I know from experience.

I've done it. I've done it. I kind of miss, because you don't really bring me to the store anymore because we've talked about even working. I kind of like, those are my favorite when you go and it's like, if, like, It seems like eight minutes. It's just you don't stop laughing. I know people get tired, but I would love to see, like, how long do you think you could do a special of just that?

And then just put that out. It's the internet. Well, what you would do is the way I would do it was open up like that strong for like seven minutes, bring them back to normal. Then you've got to go on another rant, which is what Bill Byrd does, brilliantly. Right. Bill Byrd does it. He does it the best you've ever seen. ever right now at this point.

Yeah. He goes on a fucking six-minute rant, calms you down for four, finger bangs you for three, and then takes you right back to that fucking place, right, nine minutes. Now he pushes a little more. Watch his style.

He's brilliant at doing it. So the first rant six, the second is nine. Then that third one, he takes you into deep waters. You know, I forget the one, but he did, oh, no. He just takes you into that 12 minutes.

Then he seems to wrap it together and he gets the fuck out of it. I got nothing against that. That's a beautiful fucking, that's a beautiful... System? Not system. Say the word from me, Steve Brown. Just the ebbs and flows of his...

Of his orchestration, I guess, of the duration of time that he's on stage. He really does know how to hit the beats. He knows how to hit you out of the gates, and then he knows how to close. He's just... I agree with you. I think he's the best. He was always a guy. When I started in New York, you know, if I was a freshman, Bill was like a sophomore or junior.

And then Colin Quinn, Norton, Voss, Patrice, Gerardo, those guys were all like the seniors at the comedy seller. But I always thought Burr was my favorite, and I've told him this many times. And he knows this one. We used to work Dangerfields all the time. Like, man, you're my fucking favorite comic. And, you know, I'm just a few years younger than him. But I always looked up to him. I still do.

I think he's fucking, he's just fucking great. He's brilliant and he's a great guy, too. Why you brought it up, I got to ask you, next time I go to New York, should I work? Dangerfield's never done it. Ten people have Twittered me and said, Joey, you got to go to it. You kill. Saturday, Dangerfields, you'd kill it. You'd fucking mop them up.

But I would do it once just to say you did it. You know, you saw those HBO specials. It's cool. It's still rotary phones. Same carpet. Same green room. Same couches. Same furniture.

A lot of history. But I don't know. The sellers, the sellers. No, that's the MacDaddy of MacDathies. But you should do it. You would kill, kill. You used to do it on Tuesday nights and stuff like that. Oh, God, Tuesdays in front of four people.

How brutal. Bombing. Bombing. I mean, just straight up fucking bombing, questioning. Is this the right move for me? Should I do? Because Dangerfields, the spots are half hour. So half hour, dark room, one light.

That's it. And it's four people. Two are in the back, making out another two are just so bombed. even listening and just talk it's it's the worst of the worst but it makes you it makes you accept failure so much quicker than any other club i've ever been in i did nine-month term in new york city what a lot of people don't know is i got a nine-month bit of comedy in new york city from uh february from january of 93 to maybe november of 93 i drove a limo i lived in fort lee i took a bus into the city of the mornings.

I sold cars on 11th Avenue. I mean, and I went to all those comedy spots, and New York broke me as a comic. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I could tell you any other story. I took a stand-up comedy class there just to reinforce me. I used to do the New York Comedy Club, stand-up, New York.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like in debt, but it was my second year of comedy. Yeah, I didn't really know what I was doing, and these guys were putting me up, and I showed up with five guys. So I always had my buddies, all they needed was an invite. All my buddies needed was somebody to fucking invite them to a club. And they'd show up and they'd back me. And I kept going and going and going.

But there was that other side that I didn't... In L.A., there were coffee shops when I first came there. In New York, there were these fucking seedy places. And there was one in particular that broke me, Steve Byrne. Yeah. Yale, Triple N. Oh, God, yeah. I know where that is. The open mic started at 12 at midnight.

Was that still around? Tell me that's still there. Yeah, it's still there. Yo, Triple In is still around. I don't know if they still do the open. I've done comedy there, and I know exactly what you're fucking talking about. Yeah, that's, uh, ooh, that's a, that's, yeah. That place broke me.

Like, that broke my soul. Yeah. What is it? It's just a shitty pub. It's a dive kind of bar. But I remember, because it was the seller, then Boston, and then just a few blocks away is Y'L Triple In. And so the guys that couldn't pass at the cellar decided let's put the show together.

And everybody that was in between spots would go over there. And it was, yeah, it was eating death. But I used to go there at 12 and sign up. And your spot would be at like 138th. Yeah. And people were coming in and bump you when I couldn't say nothing. Yeah. And I was driving a limo and I had a gram of blow in my pocket.

And I was dying to do it. but I would not do it until I did my three fucking minutes. It was just so humiliating to me. I wanted to do comedy so bad. Like, I was fucking counting on it steeper, you know? And I went there one night and I died. Died. Like, I thought I had this brilliance, you know?

This fucking, the guardian angels were back. Time to put your bow speakers back in the windows. Like, I just wrote this garbage. And I went up there. I was one of the jokes. I'm serious. That was one of the jokes I wrote. Guardian Angels are back in New York. Time to put your bow speakers back in the windows.

That got a boo, right? They got a fucking quick boo. And then something happened one night. I, like, I ate death. Then I went back, and I ate death again. And I'm like, I don't know about this. I think I'm just going to sell coke. And then I went back again.

And like, was on. I was in there. And I go, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. And people are like, you're not going up. He's doing something. And I watched him for eight minutes.

It was okay. You know what he was doing? There was eight people in the audience. Yeah. And he was doing it like there was 300. Right. And I go, okay, I get it. I got to move to a different place, do calm me and I'll get to this level.

Yeah. Once I saw that, that broke me. Yeah. The behavior, how people treated me at the, what's the guy that died? Leukemia guy over a fucking. Oh, Lucian. Lucian, whatever, that club, they just embarrassed the fuck out of me. They might as well fuck me in the ass at that age and put a dick in my mouth.

It was fucking humiliating. What did they do? Just, just, they treated you like shit, you know, and you weren't. If you're not part of the club. Oh, my God, you have no fucking idea. When you went in there, they looked at you like if you were there to rob the place, you know, and you had to sell tickets on the streets. I did it all, man.

Well, wasn't Mitty the same way? It was a different, you know, and it's the level I was at also. Nobody talks to nobody when you suck dick. You know, nobody talks to you when you suck ass on stage. They talk to you fucking once you start picking up momentum. So by the time I got to the store, I had known people, I had done comedy for a while. It was a different fucking game, you know. So it all panned out.

I had been doing comedy seven years when I walked in the, to the store. When I walked into the old triple N, I'd been doing comedy 18 months and I had been on stage 13 times. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, I had a business card that's a comedian. Yeah. I didn't know the fucking game, Steve Byrne. Like I told you before, man, I was watching at that store that night. You were having a great set.

You brought me up. And I said, this motherfucker, there's three people in the business that there was two for a long time. And then I saw you that night. And I really, you sucked me in. and it was like I laughed but I felt warm inside like I just watched Bonanza

it was like one of those things remember when you were a kid and you watched those good American holes in shows like that was what was watching you you weren't dirty that night you were not dirty that night you know you said a fuck but not dirty you know this is the difference between

going up then going I ate her asshole yeah it's insane I got caught in fucking traffic today and it defends your face and the whole thing and I'm thinking of like Pablo in 9 in 2 thousand you know in all the years when he was whacked and stuff those who were the I used to see people leave there crying it was if they went to Disneyland yeah it's the best I could describe it and you have that quality man thanks man you're a bad motherfucker I

appreciate it Joe I don't you got to go yeah yeah my wife was texting me so I love you I love you guys thank you so much you have any dates coming up love you love you I'm an aspen this weekend and then I don't know I'm just taking a little bit of time off because I just filmed that special it'll be coming out soon and just going to lay low for a bit and get my gears going. But you inspired me tonight to think I got to get back to the store real soon and get back up there

and start writing again. So thank you, bud. I'll see you down there, my brother. Thank you very much for doing the show. I'm sorry? You have a podcast too? I have a podcast with Gary Cannon called the The Gentleman's Dojo. So it's just new and starting once I get the wheels going. I'd love to have you on. All right. Say my best to Gary Kahn. He's a good man. Love your boys. Let me give some shout out to you real quick and get the fuck out of him. I didn't even want the time it was.

We're running lately. Lee, you're supposed to be navigating this motherfucker. I didn't know he had an out time. You want you to brownie, Lee? I'll have another star. Do you have another star? I got to work tomorrow.

So I got to be able to fucking straight now. What does that mean, in reality, though? In reality, it means I can only, like, I don't know. In reality, it means I got to tell me a brother. fucking glasses time.

Now, let me get some shout out of to him. Get the fuck out of here. DJ Diggs, spooky, MIQ,

tweets, Chris Deep, Renegates of skunk, Connor is God, Pat House is back in town, Eddie B, and Matt,

both us are, you bad motherfucker. This Friday, the South Point, 220, I don't know about 224,

we might have to change that. Listen, my friend, One of my best friends in life is having a show this Saturday. And the second show is already fucking sold out. I just want to give him a plug on this because I love him to death. My main man, Felipe Spars, is at No, No, Kieta Theta.

You want to go to the early show with the wife? Oh, you're with me. I'm in Vegas. That's right. You'll be wiggling your ass off. I could send the wife. You want to send the wife? She'll go.

I could ask her, yeah. Yeah, she loves her. Her mom doesn't like the vegan thing, but her mom loves Felipe. You know what? Felipe's wife is pregnant. Oh, congrats. Yes, go down there. Send the white down and tell grandma to make a scarf with her.

It can sound like a saints eyeball or some shit in that fucking thing and put the good Malook. I don't know that. That's really cool. Yeah, I don't even know if I should be saying it. I think they have a podcast. Yeah, they have a podcast together. They said it. So it's a beautiful fucking thing, bro.

How was your week last week? Good? Everything good in your world? I had a great weekend. You made fun of me, but we went to In and now. I haven't had it. How good was it? Oh, my God.

I haven't had an in and out forever. But it was... How long was the wines? You know, we went out, we kind of messed up. We went a little bit later, like 9 o'clock. It still took like 10 minutes probably. But, like, it's pretty cool how, like, I even asked her a couple times. I'm like, are you sure?

Because you said Stout. Like, why didn't you go to Stout? And I even brought up Stout. But she just loves, she's a couch. She's from here. She just loves in and out and she had a great time. Let's go over here by the old office. Yeah.

Yeah. When they're really. high. Oh, I have a good tip because I'm always just afraid that I'm going to lose it when I'm stoned. I'll start giggling and show myself. So I started listening to comedy albums when I'm driving. So that way

people don't know. That's how paranoid I get. Look at you. Look at you and shit. Oh, and I for next year for people, I sent my mom flowers and she's been talking about it like every day.

Like it's crazy. I've been telling people, like for the last few days, I always say you have a good day to people. I like at stores because that's when I work there. And I started saying happy, like, Happy Valentine's Day. And girls just lit up. It's like what you said, like making people's day. Just saying happy Valentine's Day. And I sent my mom flowers and she's been talking about it for like months.

So next year, guys should have a fucked up weekend because I went to sleep Friday night. I got home from working at one. Oh, shit. Yeah, so I didn't fall asleep until 3.30. So I got up at 7 with Mercy. You know, and I had mercy the whole morning, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We had to run around. And then we probably got home at 2 and I took a nap until like 5.

So I didn't even get a chance to, I got her card. That was it. But they don't need much. I should have got us. It's so made up. Who gives a fuck? You know, women. I remember like when you make an effort.

But yeah, but you got the card, though. It was a fucking car with a thing that spun around. Yeah, but then I spent fucking tons on flowers for Paula, and I was like, it was tiny. I can't get cats. I can't get fucking flowers because of the cats. Oh, I know, but that's my point then. It's stupid. So, I mean, get chocolate or something, but.

Yeah, we were going to go out to eat today, and then Mercy didn't fall asleep, and we took it to Jiu-Jitsu, which was fucking tremendous. When they gave her the ghee, she looked fucking tremendous. tremendous. Didn't they give her a little belt too? Yeah, she had the whole fucking thing, huh? You know, it was the 3.30, I could take it to there on Mondays, you know, she's, but she's also tired. So she wouldn't sit down, she was dancing around like a fucking ballerina. And after 10 minutes, I had to pick her up, and she got hotter and shit. Then she started yelling and screaming. Then we had to fucking take the gie off and take her home. Then my wife yelled at me, and I yelled at my wife. then we fucking went home and we played with everything went back with home and she still didn't

fucking nap she doesn't need to nap no man she's supposed to fucking nap at one o'clock that's what i'm saying she's just like full energy she's fucking got to nap i stopped napping and it fucking destroyed me i didn't go back to nap until i was 25 years old when i did the stripper she used to make me take a nap in the afternoons when i was 30 fucking years old i never napped in my fucking life i stopped napping when i was like four i was running around my mom as a kid i had no time the fucking nap. My dad took naps my entire life. Like it was known in my house, like to be quiet. Yeah, because

he's sleeping. You work nights. Yeah. You have to take a nap if you work nights. And you work nights. Well, not really. Because some nights... What are you not really? Some nights I work and I get home at 1030. That's not working nights. And some nights I get home at 11, 30, or 12. You know, over the years, the fucking clock is short. When I first got here, 15 years ago,

yeah, I walked in the door at fucking two or three o'clock every night. That's terrible. What about walking in like Steve Brent, six o'clock? Can you imagine that? But that's New York City. You can do that. Is that really just New York? You can do it?

I can't imagine being out of that lady here. In 1985, 84, I was staying out a minimum toll. Because I like the food. I like the pizza over there in the middle of the night. In New York? Yeah, I liked it. So I used to go to different spots and get two three slices with a soda and take a meatball hero home. And by the time you get home, you smoke dope in the fucking car, and you smoke another and you eat another meatball here.

I liked all that shit, dog. So I could see, and I did blow till late night, too. I don't know. It's just, it's been like, it's been so long since I stayed up till six in the fucking morning. How bad is some of that late night pizza? I got some of the worst in New York at like five in the morning when I was waiting for a bus. It was terrible. I knew where to fucking go.

You know, your friends tell you where to go, different spots, and you realize where to go, and now you start going. there, you know, for me, it had to be good and easy to get there. I'm not going all the way to, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not going all the way to the Bronx at two in the morning for his life. There's got to be a place in Manhattan, and my friends always found a place. For years, there was a good spot over on 15th Street by 8th Avenue, by the Honda place in Manhattan. That's long gone.

These places are long con. I don't know nothing about fucking no cities no more. I don't even know where to fucking get pizza here. I got to go to them fucking mold. like a Gentile and fucking some small city. I got to, even Los Angeles,

I got to go to Joe's pizza and fucking whatever. Yeah. That stout burger. You can only eat a stout burger once a month. Yeah, that's pretty fucking to kill you. It's delicious.

But they're huge. I love those fucking things. But they're not that big. They're not that big. But it's the fucking onion rings and the french fries with the cheese that destroy you and the beer. You know, who the fucking might

drink a beer that one day? That was dizzy for four days. You don't like beer? I love fucking beer. What do I think I drank it for? How many times do you see me drink a beer in five years? Maybe two more times? That's it.

When the fuck do I drink a beer? I love to drink a beer more often. But I got to drive. I got to walk around. I got to do different shit. That night, that afternoon, my wife was driving, so I don't give a fuck. What's a beer? You know, I'm the co-pilot.

Where's the sheets of paper? You give them back to me? It was nice to have Steve Byrne here. He's a fucking good dude, man. And it's very nice. He's... No, no, no. And I was going to get him in here

before the fucking special. And, you know what? Man, I miscalculated the fucking... The timing. So I felt really bad. I wanted to get him in here to promote the fucking special.

Sometimes you can't do everything. Like my man Lee said, I've been used... Listen, Miondi's and me been fucking around for like two years now. And I've got to tell you something. I wear him before every...

work out I wear in before. When I finally like right now I have no underwear on. What the fuck I need underwear to walk down here? I'll be home in an hour or two. I need underwear for. But if I'm flying, if I'm trying to be an American, if I got to act like, you know, I know what the fuck's crack are lacking, I got to wear

me undies. This is the shit I've been wearing. I don't wear cotton underwear. No more. They creep up my ass. They slip. So whether you're wearing a suit or sweats, you spend almost 24 hours a day in your underwear. But instead of making a statement, like Superman's tight under his everyday clothes, your underwear probably fucking boring, right?

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That's the other thing. Usually when I have cotton fucking underwear, my fat ass stretches out, my nut sack drips, these black Miondi's and the camouflage ones I got are the older ones. And whenever I put them on, those things are fucking tight. That mold all is fucking solid. You understand me? Nothing can describe the fit and feel of me undies.

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fucking thing. Trust me. I'm no male model. When I slain dick, I sling dick with Miondi's. Who's better than Lisa yet tonight? Meandis needs to make that shirt. You want to eat a brownie too? I have that three. I'm good with the brownie. What are you three? You're in training.

This is it. I'm fully trained. This is Israel Week. You got to go deep and shit. Let me tell you what company I keep hearing good and better things about. And I got to get them to send me more food as fucking blue aprons. You know why, let me tell you what the menu was for this to eat. Chicken schitzel, that's what you call it? Schnitzel.

Schnitzel with fingerloin, potato salad, center-cut pork shops and warm beats. That's a two-person plan. The family pan is pink, with meatballs and creamy polenta, and sweet and sour cod with carrot, ginger fucking fried rice. Who's better than that? You can admit it.

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Blue Apron.com slash Joey. My treat, really, the first two meals are on me when you go to blueapen. com slash Joey, all right? And as usual, my main people on it. I'm back on the Shroom Tech fucking sport. I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I get home my fucking gears drents. Even the knee pads now are fucking drents. I have to suck 20 dicks on the street to get my knee pads that fucking sweaty.

And I'm telling you, I'm dropping weight now. I'm feeling healthier. I'm moving better. I'm lasting more on the mats. Today I did a fucking sweep on a young kid. It's working. Little by little, I'm getting better, better and better. But the Shrew Tech sport took me the last two fucking week.

And the immune, ever since I fucking travel, you know, you got this fucking new Kiwi fucking disease going around. mosquitoes biting your kids born with fucked up heads really yeah there's a new fucking thing going around I don't know name it somebody fucking sent me a picture the other day

of these poor kids and shit it's a pregnant woman and shit oh I think I heard about that yeah what the fuck what are you living in the closet what the fuck is the picture here see I don't fucking see let me tell you son these fucking iPhones dog

they don't save They don't say shit. They fucking, they fucking lose my emails. I got to put them on an eye cloud. I don't know about my fucking I cloud, dog. When do they come with all these by the ways, all of the fucking said?

So they can track you. Really? Why do I need somebody fucking tracking me? You don't. I got to lock my numbers in. I got to do a thousand things. Leave me to fuck alone. They're worse than Lincoln than people.

Those people, when are they going to stop sending me friend request? Who? If you're on Lincoln, then don't bother me no more. Every morning I wake up, everybody wants to be my friend on Lincoln. They're not bothering you. LinkedIn is making them send emails. I refuse to give anybody even the opportunity. I'm so pissed off on Lincoln,

because it's bullshit. There's people walking around the streets going, oh, I'm part of the business network. No, you're not. Nobody gives a fuck that you're on there. No one gives it for both. Yeah, but yeah, so, but they're not emailing you. They'll friend you once,

but then LinkedIn will send you requests for 18 years until you accept it. So yeah, I'm thinking about just getting a foot phone next time. What are you bothering me for? Anyway. Why don't you just get it? I'm going to be at the stop point. What do you work for Apple or something? Listen. Nope.

Listen, this Friday and Saturday, I'll be at the South Point, you know, if you ain't doing nothing, Vegas is the place to be. Not because I'm jumping up and down. You know what I have one drink. I fucking puke it. But if you're not doing nothing Friday and Saturday, and Lee will be there eating cake and shit.

Next week, I'm at the comedy store. I see if we put this together. and don't forget to go see my main man Felipe Spars at the Nokia Theater Saturday night, early show, 7.30, all right? I love you, motherfuckers. See you Wednesday. Stay black and beautiful, you sexy motherfuckers. And please check out life in neutral.

That's right. I'm going to periscope in a second, so get you a web together. This show is brought to you by Miandis. Shipping is always free in the U.S. in Canada, and you can save up to $8 to pair with Miandis, subscription plan. Get the subscription or a single pair. Get 20% off your first order

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