The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #358 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: February 29, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey to start your free trial today Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/28/2016.
    

This show is brought to you by Headspace. Go to Headspace.com slash Joey and download the free Headspace app right now. Begin their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain and New Mood. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. Good morning.

Good afternoon. Good evening. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. My main man and little brother, Mr. Lee Syatt here with me. It's been a while since we've been on the last time we were on.

Tuesday. We're on with that fucking lunatic Mike Dodd. I want to thank him. We're coming on the show. He came all the way out from New York and we had a great time. He was a good guy. I haven't seen you.

You got sick and shit all weekend. I didn't feel too fucking good. Do you get the flu shot? I never get it. No, I ain't getting that shit shop, did me? It's bad enough. We got to bump into it. 18 fucking times.

You just got to wash your hands. You got to wash you. You know, when you go to a big fucking 24-hour fitness, the flu lives in those places. They do. And I've been, like, I've been spraying it.

Ever since I had that fucking fucked up, I happen, I've been spraying everything. You've got to go with, it's so weird the shit that's out there now when you have to, but they say that putting that antibacterial on your hands is also bad for you because it breaks down your hands

own ability of breaking down germs. Right. It breaks down your immune system. But the thing that blew my mind as I got older, when I grew up, my parents always stressed covering your nose, covering your mouth. I see people now just sneezing into the air. They're fucking animals. We got no class. We got no nothing.

They're fucking animals. I see people sneezing into the hand and opening up a door. The thing that gets me sick is when I smoke pot with people. That's what always gets me fucked up. Especially all around the country. And that's why on the road, I can't. I can't. You know, I eat a pot cookie at night.

You know, listen, at night when I smoke, I don't even get high no more. Oh, yeah? Yeah, like, if I smoke at night after a show, my adrenaline's so high, I'm just smoking to smoke. I don't get high until I go back to the hotel room and relax an hour, and then I can take two hits off a joint and get high. But it's like trying to fucking drink alcohol when you're doing blow. You just burn right through the alcohol.

The alcohol doesn't even affect you. Does it burn through edibles the same way or not really? Edibles are too strong. Edibles come and go with me. You don't have them done edibles since we did them. Really? Tuesday, yeah. I don't have them in the house no more.

I had bags of them. I do not have them at the house no more. I mean, listen, we're eating fucking 800 milligrams. What's a cheap of chew going to do at this point in the fucking game? It's 180. You know, if you're not batting around me, 200, 300, 400, 400, I can't hang with you no more. We banged out eight last week. We walked out of here like gentlemen.

I mean, I was fucked up. I went home and drools and passed out. and fucking, but, you know, your tolerance goes out. So what are you going to do? Like today I went over to Sunset Herbal and they didn't have any of the punch chocolates. Oh. They had stars and stuff, but I like giving the stars a break. So when I get the stars, they're brand new to my system.

If you always eat stars, then the resistance goes down also. So if they make legal in California, you're still going to do the medical, like to go through the whole process of going to the doctor? Well, what would be the difference? Because the difference, the only difference I've heard is that in Colorado, they have very low amounts of THC in the edible, like 5, 10 milligrams. Where in Colorado? Yeah, it's 10 milligrams. So that's not going to do, you, you'd have to eat the entire store.

There's no way that's going to work. When I went to visit Colorado, okay, I went to the store and I went to the recreational side, and that's the strongest you could get because somebody flipped out and put a cape on and tried to jump off a fucking building or something like that. Yeah. So that's what happened. But, no, I can't constantly be fucking high all week. So now I spread it around. You know, I've been noticing that when I eat edibles at night, two things happen. A, if I'm up at midnight, I feel bad for what's in the refrigerator.

There's no chance. Those fucking stars will take you to a next level. Take your hunger to a next level. And B, I dehydrate while I'm sleeping. Fuck, yeah, you do. So that means I got to get up every two hours. to drink a gallon of water, and that means what comes out of my dick

is a gallon of water. So that means zero sleep for Uncle Joey. So I got to be careful with the edibles. If I eat edibles, I got to eat them like at six. So at about 12, I'm okay. So I don't wake. Sometimes I wake up at four, and I'm fucking hamlet. The room is green and shit.

I'm hungry. I'm having dreams and fucking cartoons. I'm fucked up, guy. But I'm all so thirsty and I dry up. So it's like that first night in Vegas. I ate two stars before I went to bed. Big mistake. At three in the morning, I was right there in the middle of that edible.

The anxiety in my sleep woke me to fuck up. You have anxiety in your sleep? Oh, my God. Like a dream? It's just anxiety in your sleep. You actually wake up and you're having a fucking panic attack. Fuck. Because I ate the edible at 11 o'clock at night, that Thursday night when I got in.

Like a schiff that I am, like a fucking moron. So at four in the morning, think about it. Four hours in. Oh yeah, it's just It's just starting to get it. It fucking woke me up. My heart was beating the regular, it's dry. I can't fucking breathe out of my nose.

I never used to get anxiety, but at least like the 800 milligrams, I start getting really weird anxiety. Like once I thought that Paula was going to have her brother come and kill me, just for no reason. I was like, that's why she's dating me so her brother can come and kill me. And I was probably on like 500 milligrams.

That's where I was. I was on 500 milligrams in, Big Bear with the elevation and I wasn't ready for it. And I had like five or six hundred milligrams. And I was like, she's going to fucking kill me. Like as I was going to bed, I was like, you have to be careful with the higher elevations, man. That's fucking great. The higher elevations rule with THC.

That's why on a plane you get whacked. You got no air. That was, I've only done that once with you and that was fucking scary. It's scary. It's scary. I calmed it down a little bit because I don't want to have to take a plane down by myself. I just have a panic attack up in mid-air and go, you have to take this plane down.

I'm having a panic attack. I don't have no leave. I don't have no whatever from my nose. What do you panic about? I have no idea. It's different every time. Sometimes for me it gets similar. I'll think people are mad at me that aren't mad at me.

The first time I started getting the worst panic attacks was when I was going to that kickboxing gym on Burbank Boulevard. It's a small place. So he used to play music. And between the kids going, ha, ha, and the fucking music bouncing off the walls, they would go into my ear weird, and it would get me a weird anxiety. Do you know then? Would you be high or no?

Sometimes I'd go in there high, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I have to go out and get air. Because between the music, one time I got a bad dose of anxiety inside McCormick and Schmitt's in San Jose, I was in the back of the restaurant. And I thought that if I would have had to walk through the door, I would have had to pass out. it's fucking horrible but I don't give a fuck listen

it's something that you live with you remember to breathe out of your nose and you just move on that's what I always do I just remember to breathe out of my nose and see where I am and get my focus and fucking move on why fuck around with it

that's all it is I just tell myself that it's the weed you just breathe and it just calms you down that's it just keep breathing out of my nose look straight ahead don't look at the floor because that means you're looking from within so look straight ahead and keep breathing and maintain your posture and think of something that you know and sometimes

you'll think of something and that'll take your mind right off from you breathing like oh shit I'm gonna go dry cleaner and also you start thinking about the dry cleaner how it closes the five next to you know you you got your your center back which is what you're always striving for and at the end of your center always swallow really yes what happens when you swallow I forget what it does for you but it restarts. It's like press and control, alt. Okay. So when you swallow like that,

so that's what I do when I get those anxiety attacks. I don't get them no more like that. I really haven't. I'm happy I slowed down on the edibles. I've been smoking a little more. I like smoking. Really? I like edible so much more.

I always like smoking, Rifa. Since I like the whole problem, what I don't do is smoke joints anymore. I don't smoke as many joints as I like that. I like to smoke fucking bats and roll them. That's the whole butois. I'm an old-fashioned fucking douchebag, man. I like everything, you know.

That's why, I tell you, my wife last Sunday thought I was upset about something. She goes, are you upset because Mike Dowd's coming in town? I go, no, as a matter of fact, I'm kind of fucking happy he's coming in town because I appreciated him last week. I had a good week with him around, believe it or not. Regardless of what he had done or what had he done, I got a few emails. I got some fucking liberals that listen to the podcast by mistake. and then went on this documentary and got the shock of their fucking lives

and, you know, hit me up trying to ask me to justify why I would put a person like that on the podcast. You know, and I put a person like that on the podcast, the same reason why I go on a podcast. Because it's not about what you did. It's about what you did afterwards. It's how you got up, you know?

He didn't walk around in a fucking cave. You went out there and put it on Front Street, man. You know, so many people do weird things and they get in trouble, then they live this charade. and I got a hand it to Mike. He's not living a fucking charade. He is who he is.

He is who he is. Straight up. Took him to the comedy store. He was hugging people, giving out cigars, talking to people. He's just one of those guys, man. And sometimes in life,

you know, you just do some things and they make you go sour. Who knows if it was him deep down inside of the drugs or the job or whatever? I don't give a fuck. It's how he bounced back. You know,

so many fucking people, especially here in this town, live in a fucking charade. You know, they just live in this fucking zombo land. And some people, believe it or not, actually wake up, Lee. Some people never fucking wake up, you know? From Hollywood or from what? Well, you know, you have these charades in life when you're younger, what's going to happen?

You know, you watch Pitbull and he's jumping up. up and down with 200 Spanish women. Or you watch, you know, whatever. Whatever your illusion. Which it grabs you. Let me get one of those drops again. And you, you know, when I was growing up, I had this thing. I always had this illusion.

And then it became a charade. It really became a fucking living live for me, Lee. You just started believing all this stuff you were saying? No, no, it wasn't what I was saying. And when I was like 17, I got in my mind that when my mom died, that she had hidden money. And that when I was 21, I was going to get this money. When it was something that it was either the money was hidden or my stepfather was going to sell the house and give me this exuberant amount of money that I thought I had coming to me. And no one told you this.

It was just in your head. It was in my head. It was this fucking thing. that just kept me alive. It was a lie that kept me alive, but at the same time, I would repeat it. Do you remember where it started? In my head.

But like right after your mom passed away? No. A couple of months later, maybe three or four months later, I started doing math and figuring out jewelry and cash and the fucking prudential

policy that my dad left. And I had all the you know this property that she had in Miami I had all this you know plan down my head And it just and every time and I uh you know every time I get cooked up with my friends I'd mention it that in three years I don't have to worry about nothing I'm gonna be filthy fucking rich You know I think about people who I've gotten caught up in the media Steve Renazizi had an incident

and I can't remember the other guy that had an incident that somebody called him out on this. You know, I had never called myself out on this. I mean, Lee, I believed it. I believed it. I believed it. I believed it at every step. I still remember I'm going to Colorado, April of 83.

I'm like, that Christmas still going, I'm going home and I'm going to go to one and get my fucking half a million dollars a million dollars that's coming to me. I really thought And I'm lying to you. I didn't put it in my head.

What had happened when my mom died was that she left jewelry. She left his house. She left property in Miami. And my dad had a prudential policy. Not my stepdad, but my father that she had never cashed and never supposed to be mine. When you die without a will, it all goes to your husband. She died without a will. They were still legally married.

So I thought that his generosity Somewhere in his world He would go hey Here this money's yours I knew for a fact that half the jewelry he wore Was my real father's The deal was once I got older He was gonna give me the jewelry back

Like my mother really believed that You know my mom sold me out at that point But I didn't know these things Does that seem fucked up to wear someone else's jewelry Like another like your wife's former husband? It was the weirdest fucking thing. That seems creepy.

It was really creepy. So it was supposed to be my fucking jewelry. And my dad had left, you know, hundreds of thousand dollars worth of diamond rings and gold chains. And so, you know, people would come up to me and they go, hey, man, you know, that money's yours. That da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. So that fed my...

I love when people do that who have no skin in the game. Start riling you up. And you're a young kid who just lost your mom. Well, I was 17. That's still young to lose a mom. No, no, no, no, no. But at this time, I knew better, but I got. And listen, we all make mistakes.

At least, you know, I was thinking about Mike Dow last week and how this guy's not living a fucking charade. And I'm really proud of him. And I started thinking a little weekend about the charades that I lived. And like when I became a comedian, right? By the time I tried to get comedy, I could tell you right out. You're my friend. And these are a listener. and we have family.

We're all family together on this shit. I didn't get into this to be on television. You know what I'm saying? Where some people will tell you, I want to go to Hollywood and be a big time start. I never said that way. Never, ever, ever did I say anything like that. I did comedy as just a last hope.

You know, but there's people. I was telling somebody else I could always tell why somebody is in L.A. If they asked me about money. Once somebody asked you about money, they're not doing it because they love this game. And I didn't worry about money in them. I just wanted to survive. That's it. I just wanted to survive and not be in prison and just, I wanted to just live life through the skin of my teeth.

I would have been very happy. When you were a kid, did you want to be rich? No. Really? I didn't. My parents had money. My mom had money when I was growing up, and I didn't like it. Because I liked the kids that didn't have money.

Like I lived on 88th Street, and everybody on 8th Street wasn't millionaires, but they were well off. Everybody worked. Everybody did okay. I remember the girl. I went to school with her dad was a draw. Anitator for Charles Schultz, you know, all those parents in Midtown Manhattan in those days did something. They weren't fucking unwellfar is what I'm trying to say. Right.

Could I enjoy those kids? Yeah, I enjoyed those kids, but for some reason, looking back at it now, and years later, I remember how much I enjoyed the kids from 140 ages that didn't have money. So when I would go into their homes and see that they lived in nine kids lived in two bedrooms, I would get embarrassed. They'd ask me where I'd live and I'd make up a story. You know what I'm saying? Like I lived there with my cousin and my uncle and my aunt. It was basically me and my mom in a two-bedroom apartment. That blew my mind when I first heard about that

About families like kids sleeping on the couch For like ever Like that just didn't compute in my head Like I figured at least at the worst People just shared a bedroom I could never imagine I know a family right now Yeah

A husband a wife A girl that's probably 14 Maybe 15 Another girl that's It's eight and a boy that's probably six. Maybe a little older, but they all live in a studio park. No, they don't. Yes, they do.

At least they have that, I guess, but Jesus. And I've known them since they had no kids. He gets rank controlled. I talk to him all the time. He gets ring controlled in fucking Hollywood. He's got two garages where he does his business out of. and he makes the best of it. I mean, you got to see this place.

It looks like one of those micro apartments. So what do they do? They just have mattresses everywhere? They have couches, and they put beds in the wall to make the kids fun, so they pull the thing down. He's like a woodworker. So it's, listen, the studio's like $550. He's been there for 21 years.

And it's got a big kitchen and a big bathroom and a big hallway. But it's a studio apartment. And he took the closet and turned it into something else. And then one of the garages is the closet for the kids. So before they go to bed at night, they go to the garage and take their clothes out. And the fucked up thing is there's a lot of people in other countries that would love to have that. But it's crazy how, like, we get used to. the things and stuff like that. I can't imagine. And do the kids hate it or they, they probably

have a great time? They, I feel embarrassed when I go there. I try to go there and check them out once a month and I bring the kid stuff. I've known them forever. They came to my wedding with Terry. I've known them forever. He's African. She's Chinese. She's Japanese. My whole, I guess, dream as a kid was to be rich. Because I lived in a town like that where everyone else was rich. When you say kid, one of the age? My parents have a joke that from the age of five or six, I was saying I wanted a job, an apartment in the car.

I've always been like that. And I've always, I don't know, man. I've always wanted to be rich. And it's only like in the last few months that I'm like, your goals change from being rich. Like, it's still important. Well, you have to define, okay, you have to get a pen and define rich. I'm talking like, what is rich?

Imagine rich. Are you working every month to establish this? Did you strike oil and somebody gave you $200 million? And you invested $150 million and spent $50 million in a home and wife and cars and ranch. I always wanted to be like the CEO or something. Okay. Do you just travel internationally? No.

No, this is you're a CEO of a company. I always wanted to wear like those blue buttoned-down shirts with a white collar, but I never felt important enough to wear it like that. I want to be that. I want to be that. Fuck you. I want suspenders. Okay.

That's it. All right. Well, not anymore, but yeah, fuck yeah. So you want to keep working. All right.

You know, there's people that say I want to be rich. To find rich. When I was 17 and I had that charade playing in my head that my stepdad was going to give me an envelope with a half a million dollars. Right. Without knowing, because I didn't know that then, I would have blown that in 10 days. Oh, yeah.

You know, that define rich. What did you? So, I want a mansion. No, for me, I just wanted to get that money, get an apartment, get a fucking badass car, get some clothes, and I wanted to be the life of the party. That's defined rich. That was my rich. Okay. My rich was like a cat.

a mansion because all my friends had them like literally everyone in my town had like the make a mansion shit and I had a it was a nice but it was like a two-story house and like a little landing was the width of the bedroom so it was a great house to grow up in I wanted money yeah I think everybody wants money I just didn't want the duchiness and the shallowness and the self-importance that came with it that didn't hit me that That's what destroys me about having three dollars that you're supposed to act a certain way or Behave a certain way and that's what I didn't like about The once I got here. I saw the people you don't know what it's like to

Watch a movie and see somebody you like in a movie like them for years and then you get to work with them and you get to work with them for a few weeks and you see how misbehaved they are as human beings and You can't believe that this has been allowed or And that you want it to be like him and that you want it to be like it's it's very weird what you bump into once you see behind the curtain back in Los Angeles It it fucks you up I always wanted money. Yes Part of it would go to a charity every month I could live off a certain amount every month You know man this so many things you need But then again at the end of the day there's so many things you don't fucking need

Like, I would hate to have $50 billion and to die broke to know that I could have passed that money onto somebody and help somebody to do something. You know what I'm saying? Right. And there's always good things you can do with it. It was what you just said about people being douchy. I didn't realize it until I had a job. And I worked at CVS. And people would come in and be the worst.

like so I purposely always got jobs in more lower middle class cities and I loved it it's and that's what it was it's because I don't know when I when you go when you're going to school and you're from elementary school they're saying go to a good college so you can get a good job your my ultimate goal was to make money but when you see the way these people act and then you can go and go to the lower middle class towns and see people who are working minimum wage jobs for their entire life so they're not going to have a lot of money

but they have so much fun at work they invite you out camping they invite you to their birthday like that's and people in my town would look at me like why are you working over in Maynard or Framingham and like there's stuff you could do here and it's like I'd much rather like hang out

like those people are still my friends it's I don't know it's and I don't know I don't know what it is about money that does that to people but Well, you see it a lot in the studio city. I see it a lot at the coffee shops. When I meet people, people's behavior, you know, you just see there's certain aura to them. You know, when you go to the big casinos in Vegas, you know, when I meet a big casino when you're going for a fight or something,

and you see this guy that walks in and everybody's supposed to, that shit, you know, I like the guy that's a millionaire that acts like the guy that has $3. That's the guy I want to be. If for some reason I invented oil or some shit and somebody gave me $10 billion, I would still drive my suit really. You know, I would like to dress a little nicer with suits or whatever, but that would last for a week. Until I got into a car and ripped a pair of pants like a gorilla that I am. There's so many things that I couldn't be. You know what I'm saying?

Like two or three years ago, I think we were still doing the podcast in my apartment. You mentioned that you were thinking about getting a Cadillac. Why didn't you decide to do that? Oh, because a guy from a Cadillac dealership hit me up and said that he works in service and there were really bad cars. Oh, okay. I didn't know if it was a money decision. Okay. No, no, no, no.

Well, part of it was a money decision. I was having a child and I didn't want to pay four, five, $600 for a lease a month. I don't have anything to justify paying that much a month for a car for my lifestyle and what I do. You know, I don't need that. I don't need a $700 car payment. I don't understand that. I always wanted a car payment from being in the car business all those years. I always wanted a car payment that if something went wrong, I could always borrow it for two or three months.

Like I've always said to you, I could come to you and go, Lee, I got a Subaru. Can I borrow 248 for two months? And I could probably get that from you. But if I come to you and say, I got a BMW 5 series, can I borrow a 750 from you for two months? It's time to sell that car, bitch. Exactly. Speaking of people living in studio. apartments in Hollywood. How many people have you seen driving one of those cars into a studio

apartment or into a... I've seen it. I see people that fucking drive BMWs and Mercedes to take the train and park on the street. Little things, little things, little things that that's how you, if you really like that BMW, park it. Pay the park in the fucking things. Nothing happens to your car. But you're going to save $36 a month, which is whatever the fuck it is, for something a fucking year to have somebody scratch your fucking car. It happens all the time on my street. The garbage can't take the garbage. They scratched my wife's rental call last week with the fucking garbage.

Thank God you got the fucking extended payment. But that's not the situation at hand. At that age, at that young age, I had already put in my mind that I didn't, I would hide the fact that my mother had money. When I would go upstairs, I would walk up four flights of stairs to go up to Sedeno's house. and they'd open the door and I'd see bed sheets on the floor and a fan on for the whole fucking room. Are you fucking kidding me?

And the TV with no cable? And the bathroom was the size it was small in this office. Nine kids and two parents. I had a fucking, my own bathroom in 205 West 88th Street. Didn't have a shower but it had a shitter in a sink.

I'd have to take a shower in the living room. You know, by the living room, there was a big bathroom you know, big, you know, but, and here I was going, hanging out with kids that nine of them slept in the living room in the summer in New York City and the humidity with all the windows open with the fire escape open, listening to the streets with a fucking fan in the room. And meanwhile, I'm sleeping on 205 West 88th Street and a double bed with the air on, with a TV in my room with a remote control with a string on it in those days. What was the string for? The remote control had a string. Really?

It looks like to open to your cable box. Yeah, the cable box. The old school cable boxes had a string. You know how guilty I felt? So every time I went up there, I would hide that I had money. I wouldn't wear the clothes my mom would buy them. Did you ever invite them to your house? Not in a million fucking years.

Not in a million fucking years. Not until I moved to Jersey that I bring those kids over because I had a swimming pool. And by that time, the cat was out of the bay. So I had my stepdad go over there, one of my mom. his friends pick them up bring them over the jersey the all swam in my house two or three times and I loved it by that time I didn't care but when I was eight I was already embarrassed of my mother's money what about when you moved to North Bergen and you told the story like the first time you went out and you were in the white shoes and the white shoes all the whole fucking

like what does that feel like as a kid seeing all the other kids in jeans and a t-shirt well even then I knew that like when I moved to North Bergen And the reason why I didn't go out right away was because those kids looked clean. They looked cleaner than the kids I ran with in New York City. So I was like, fuck these kids. These kids are too clean. Once I went out there and got talking to them, then I realized they were dirty like me. But it took a while, but nothing.

I mean, Lee, let's pretend. Let's pretend I get hired for a TV show. and the show goes six years. Do you think I'll get a BMW 7 series? Not a 7, but before tonight, I would have guessed you might have upgraded your car. No, no, no, I'll get the best Subaru. The highest end Subaru?

In fact, I was going to go to wagon next week, my wife. We're going to go to a wagon. She got this car back after getting hit. The lease is done in August. Fuck it. Let's go get a Subaru wagon. Let's go turn it in. She told me this moment she's taking a buying it out right

because she likes the car. Wagons are great for kids. Just make sure you can get the seat one with the seat in the back if they still have it. What's that? Like they have wagons where they put a seat in like the trunk area so you can face backwards. It was the best thing as a kid. My brother and I would fight for that seat. That was 92,000 years.

They must have it. They must have it. Nobody sits looking out of the window like a prison. Oh, I love that. No, I don't know. I don't know. It's called the way back. I don't know.

Yeah. There was two rows. Yeah. And there was one all the way in the back that the seat opened up that way. Yeah. Fuck yeah. They used to put me. back there because I get cars there.

I knew a family who had that car. That was the way back. But no, the outback, there's a couple of those station wagons. I couldn't imagine acting that way. I couldn't imagine. I could imagine having a home, a nice home, with great security,

a dependable car from myself and my wife. I like my wife to have help, but I don't need two babysitters and two house cities and nannies. I don't need none of that shit in my wife. fucking world. I don't like people in my fucking house. I don't like it. I just don't like it. Let my wife do the cleaning. I'll take the garbage out, whatever. Somebody wants to mow the lawn. I'm one of those guys, bro. I don't like none of that stuff. I don't like pulling up with a fancy car.

I don't like people looking at me weird. Nothing. I want to be a low-key guy. How are you? Nice to see you. That's it. Don't even call me Mr. Diaz. Joe is fine with me. Well, the fucked up thing is now you kind of stand out more here in L.A. driving a Subaru than you would driving a BMW 3 series. Why is that? Because most of the people around here have that. A Subaru? A 3 series or an Audi or one of those things.

But it's, do you see Mercy making those, like noticing money or noticing kids who maybe don't have something yet? Or even being embarrassed. Does Mercy get embarrassed? She's fucking three. She jumps up and down and she says, she doesn't even know what she's saying. You have to teach your child.

You have to teach your child. child to it's something that you teach your child and people listen to the podcast know what I'm talking about that one of your parents sat you down one day and they have to tell you it's not about that

and we don't believe them we don't believe them it takes a certain age where we get hit in the face of reality I got hit in the face of reality about money in 85 or 86 or 87 because what we're told is that You need money to have friends.

You need money to have women. You need money to have a good time. Happiness. You need money to have happiness. And that is completely a fucking farce. That is completely just a fallacy. That is completely a fucking fallacy. I know people who were broke and who are having a great time

and now they have money and they're married and they're fucking miserable. How do you get over the stress of not having money? Or do they just not have it to begin with? Like the stresses that come with not having money, I think are to hold a lot of people back. I had stress about not having money. I was about 30 years old. And then at 31 or 32 something happened that changed my fucking life forever. I lost everything.

When I tell you everything, I tell you everything. You know, when I got on a fucking being locked up, I worked my ass off. Lee. I worked my fucking ass off, bro. 1987 1988 1989 so 89

I was born in 63 what's 89 26 I was 26 years old from 89 to 93 I basically didn't stop

in two of those years I did comedy you know in 1989 when I got out of that fucking hole I came out with my feet and I planted them and it was all I didn't even give a fuck

I didn't even give a fuck first job I had was probably detailing cars but it took me four days to start selling blah at the dealership I had my own fucking operation I was I was washing cars

with some guys for commission plus I didn't give them their phone I had a pager so I could be at Lee's house and they would call me, and I would just have to leave your house and go to a pay phone and call,

and I'd go where you at? In those days, there was no caller ID. I could say, I'm over here in the office. What's up? No, we just want to check in, let us know when you're coming home on the way home. Okay, bye. That's a scam I was pulling,

but I was leaving that halfway house at 7.30, and I wasn't coming back till 9. And, you know, once I got the, like, the first day I just went and set the shop up and got the buffers right and the yinks right, and I made a few calls, to fucking different dealers. They said, call these dealers

and let them know that there's a detailer here and they were kind of apprehensive. But then I got in my car and I went to all those dealers and started talking to them and went to the fucking weekly. I was working seven fucking days a week. I was chilling out fucking slinging that fucking powder

like it was going out of style. Where do you put money when you're selling coke? Do you just hide at places? In those days I was leaving at the dealership overnight because if they search me, I can only have $40 on me at the time. But when you're selling Coke, you just hide it in your house, you hide it at your girlfriend's house, you have a partner, you hire at his house.

Because there's no banks, right? You can't do banks at all. You can do everything. People don't know nothing because you keep a day job. It's like they said in the 7-5, okay? So you have a day job. That day job gives you a check. With that check, you pay for your bills, your credit cards, your car payments, your mortgage, your rent, you know, that type of shit. With the Coke money, you pay. pay for the extras, but you're putting it away, you're hiding it. People know you got Coke money. As soon as people buy Coke from you, they know you're doing something with your fucking

money. It's in your house, Lee. But after you get a certain amount, you move it. You know what I'm saying? You don't want $60,000 in your house. I don't want nothing over $3,000 in my house if I'm a dealer. I don't want them. I could always say I borrowed $1,500 from Lee, and I was about to go to the bank and

put it in there. I could always say I borrow $2,000. from me. I was going to the bank together in there. So you're a busy dealer, right? It's a Friday night. I don't know, make $10,000. Like, let's just say you're going to make $10,000 that night. What do you do? Do you stop every three and go, or do someone come pick it up? 10 grand cash profit.

Okay. That's what you're saying. Sure. 10 grand. I'm just making the number up because I don't know what it could be. I'm going to probably tell. I'm going to probably sell two ounces and grams on a Friday night. Okay.

Maybe wholesale, whatever, too, and then sell an ounce. wholesale, which I still make maybe a thousand bucks or something, maybe 800 bucks or something like that. So let's say, let's pretend I make $10,000 on a Friday night. Profit, you hide it, Lee. No, but you said as a dealer, you wouldn't want more than three grand. Right. So you put it at somebody's house, somebody that you trust. But would you stop during the night and, like, go drop it off?

Do you think? I'm just trying to like, because that's, to me. You have to be very sly. It's a sly life. You got to watch who's why. You got to know who knows your movements. You got to have a friend that you could trust. You know, if I was a coax deal with me right now,

guess whose house I would hide everything at? Who's? I'm looking at them. Really? Cash, scale. Would you tell me? Sure, I'd pay your rent, plus your car payment, plus your grocery bills.

I'd pay for everything. I'd give you $2,000, $3,000 a month. Why wouldn't I? I wouldn't sell cocaine out of your house? I wouldn't have any powder at your house. I would just have a scale there with my phone numbers. Would there be a rule? And would you be like there can't be any parties here that can't be?

Oh, you got 200,000 in your safe. You want to have a party there and somebody takes your 200,000? Now you've got to come to me and say, I have my friends over Ashley and a Chinese friend. And now my 200,000. Well, I don't, but there must be some idiots out there who are just like, I had a party. No, no, no, no. But at least different levels. Let's pretend.

Let me take you back, 1936, when I had that twice. I had a rotating $30,000 in the other house. $30,000? $30,000. At every, any moment, there's $30,000? Bandaged up at that house, $30,000 the whole time. And then I would have a revolving $8,000 or $9 on me. And I'd put five in there every fucking week, five or $10.

So it'd be up to $40, $50,000, then I'd invest in something, stupid. Like what? Like, I'd go partners with you on 20 pounds of weed, something that would take my time up slowly. and give me my return back slowly. So I always knew I was making money. You know what I'm saying? Because sometimes it's just...

That's so funny that you called, like, buying a big amount of drugs, like an investment. Sure, that's what it is. You're like an entrepreneur, yeah. I go partners with you on something. So now you come to me and you say, I know a guy, he wants to buy fucking two pounds. He wants to buy 10 pounds of blow. I only have enough to cover four. Cover six with partners.

Let's do it. I didn't do anything. I was just letting you fucking $6,000 or $60,000. And I became your partner. There's so many fucking things you could do leave with cash, especially now. I was stupid and young. I just put it under my bed. I had it bundled up next door.

I didn't show it to anybody. Nobody knew was there. I wasn't that fucking stupid. Nobody knew I had the money. My girlfriend at the time knew I had the money, but nobody else knew I had the money. How long did it take you to tell the girlfriend? She saw me making it.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. You know, every time I go over there and make one of those trips, let's pretend I'd make $17,000. I'd spend $7,000 and I'd put away $10. And out of the seven, I'd keep front money again, so I'd probably keep $35,000 again for my next batch. There's so many fucking things you could do. And then once Lee, I never really made money.

But let's pretend I'm a guy that's making it. What do you mean you didn't make money? I made chump money on Coke. Let's pretend you're moving like Adrian Diaz. He's making a million dollars a month. Now we got a problem. You got to wash that money. You got to figure out how to fucking clean that money.

You got to put bodegas, hot dog stands, and you're going to have the most lucrative hot dog stands in the history of America. Each hot dog stands got to make $15 grand a day. Did you ever do what they did and go to a casino? No, I did it a different way, but I never really, that's how dumb I was late. I mean, they took the money and went in exchange it for hundreds. I didn't even do that.

You know, I would do it, money lend it out. I've always loved lending money for juice. Love it. Love it. See, that seems like the most stressful one out there because you have to worry about people giving you your money back. No, no, you come to me and go, Joey, you know what? I want to open up my own studio Got four podcasts going in there already

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah What would you charge me for $30,000? I'd say give me $12.50 a week Until you give me the $30,000 or the $300,000, whatever So I just milk you You just keep giving me $12.50 a week for fucking Until somebody gives you a lump sum of $300,000

Then you pay me. But what if people don't want to pay? I mean... They always pay, Lee. But no, they don't. Yes, they do. What are all these people losing their houses, though? Oh, those people.

No, no, no, I'm not talking about Shylock people. Well, yeah, but... When you come to me as a man and you go, I need to borrow $50,000, I'm going to pay your interest. There's people that make a living. People don't want to know. A lot of businesses can't go to a bank and borrow money. So they borrow money on fucking juice terms. And you got to pay the fucking juice leave.

Right now, when you see those, what do you think all those fucking things those ads are for? Get cash quick. Oh, yeah. The fuck you think they are. They're legal loan sharks. Oh, right, right.

They're legal loan sharks. The, what is it called? The cash checking or? All that, all that shit. They're legal loan sharks. Legal that you sit there and go, I can't believe this is happening me. Tomorrow, go to Zales.

Tell me you want to finance Paulus' ring. Okay. It's not a good idea. Oh, see how much you pay for that fucking doozy at the end. If the ring is a thing, thousand you're gonna pay 18,000 after three fucking years they vig you the debt on that shit it's 26% interest from the beginning fuck yeah those are they tell you zero down no payments for a year ooh waiting that first payment's gonna be at 26% inches that's a lump

sum jack don't believe the hype don't believe the hype they're just giving away charity and We're just going to give you a fucking ring for Paula. Get the fuck out of you. We're going to make you pay for it. They specialize in that shit. That's how they get you. Financing the engagement ring through that. Well, everything is fucking like that.

Like the flowers at Valentine's Day and flights, when it's the holidays, it's crazy that we let people do this to us. Like gas. The craziest thing I ever heard about gases is like people, the gas stations buy it, right? And then they put it in the tanks. and then the gas price fluctuates. But if it goes down, but if it goes like down, we don't get the lower price.

They can still charge us whatever they want higher. So, like, it's crazy how much... In other words, we're getting fucked, Lee. At all, at every end. That's right. Once you accept it, it makes your life a lot easier.

Then you start to, then you have to decide on how many people you let fuck you. You understand I'm trying to say to you? That's a complete different story. Every day, I see somebody on Twitter complaining about a day. different corporation.

Whether it's an airline, direct TV, uh, fucking the cable people, what's the, what's the people who do the fucking wiring, AT&T, there's always somebody bitching on there for a reason. You know, they're not fucking around no more.

The thing about corporations is nobody accepts responsibility. Email us and we'll get back to you. Email who? Who my email? I don't know. Email, uh, problems with terminal or whatever.

It's ajG. dot com and also somebody sends you a thank you for trusting on us you know review of your flight it's we're not going to be able to return the miles and you're sitting there going I sat an app off for nine fucking hours

nothing that's what they do nobody who can I talk to it as a general manager who and they put you on hold that hold is a strategy for you to hang up aggravated whether it's Bank of America you ever call Bank of America and try to figure out what's going on with your account balance or whatever and yeah that's an hour

every time I get a credit card from them, someone steals it. That's an hour. I've just told them to stop sending it. That's an hour, an hour over your day. So hopefully somewhere along the line, you just hang up and go, fuck my $36. I don't give a fuck anymore. This is not worth the aggravation.

How much money do they make on the mailing rebates? Like, my dad made a point and be like, you have to send those in because no one sends them in. You have to. I send them in. And they still give you, they still give you a, by the way. Like the card. Yeah, something, the receipt. You didn't send out the right receipt.

You didn't do the right paperwork. Sprint. Used to be the king of that shit. Why something? We send you a fucking spree. It's 90 days. You got to wait six months for your cash. So you got to wait 90 days before you send it.

It's another 90 days to get processed. Are you going to wait for your $60? You're going to rip up that paperwork. What am I doing all this shit for? No. Listen. It's, it's, it's, you. You get fucked at so many different levels,

and you don't even know it. You know, cell phone bills, this, that. But the funny thing was, what I wanted to talk to you about was what we're talking about in the beginning about charades. Right. The charade I had going on.

And how I got rid of it. You know, I had that thing going on for years, Lee. Any time I get coked up with somebody, it was pathetic. I was fucking pathetically. I would go on and on and how Juan was going to give me. half a million dollars and after every shot I would lie and say it was going to be 550,000,

you know, and it was, and it went on and on and it went through 1981, 82, 83, and then I came back and at that point I said, wow, I actually went to see him one day. One. One. I go, hey, can I talk to me? He's like, yeah, what's up? He goes, hey, man, you didn't send him. that paperwork for him. I go, listen, don't worry about nothing.

What we're going to do about this? Like, I went there like I had leverage. Like, I went there like I had something coming to me. And this is the wrong guy that talked like this. But it worked because after that conversation, he goes, well, why don't we do this? Why don't we look for you for an apartment somewhere around West New York? And why don't we go get you a car this week? And he goes, go find the car. I'll put $10,000 down and you make car payments. And do you know Lee, I looked at him

and I was like, are you fucking crazy? What? Uncle Joey don't make car payments. I go, buy me the car out, right? And he's like, I'm not buying you the car out, right? I said, buy me the fucking car out, right? Well, we got nothing. What are you talking about?

That was the end. He said, I ain't buying you the car out, right? Now you got nothing. He was going to get your apartment in a car at 17. And he said, no. I was in 17. I was 21.

Oh, 21. Jesus. And this is after I sent 80 people to talk to him. This is after my mom's friends talked to him. This was like a fucking two-year thing. And he kept saying, I ain't going to help him. He's fucked up. I kept hearing all these reports about me.

And it went on. It went on. You know, once he told me he wasn't going to pay for the fucking car. I told him to go, fuck himself. And I went on a fucking top. I raid, Jack. Now he's going to have to give me a million. I'm going to take him to court.

I went in my mind on that one. And it was just a drunk, cocaine, ranted lie. I was putting through my fucking veins, man. Do you, why did you say no? It's break time, bitches. Trying to hit this little fucking perennial, OG. I know you got the flu. You didn't get high tonight.

What are you talking about? I didn't get high. This is a sensational refit. Like I was saying, Periscope. The last six weeks, I've been smoking some very, very good refra. And I know that sounds like a very loserish thing to say. But I like my marijuana. If you drink a good beer, you tell your friends. Man, I got this great draft ale last night.

Whatever the fuck. I've been smoking some very good marijuana lately. I'm very proud of that. I just figured I'm happy for you. So this charade went on. Lee, I kept fucking telling myself, oh, yeah. He's going to give me a half a mill. I'm gonna buy a ball. Oh, you should have seen the lies I was telling myself, boy.

Ooh. And how? And this went on until 30? This went on until I was possibly... No, I'm gonna tell you what really happened, just to fucking crack you. This went on until I got fucking... Just living under the rocket ship. Under that rocket ship was where I came from my real...

about my life. Because what was going on with me was, I was in pain, you know, I was, what's that word? I was frustrated. And to add all this, I added fucking cocaine to this. And then, guess what happened? All these three things met something that

fucked me up, Lee, reality. When I was 21, I got a dose of reality. That was so scary to me. me, but today I'm happy I got it served to me. It was like getting a dish of poison. You know what I'm saying? It's like somebody serving you a bad dish and you getting sick. It took me fucking five months to get over that sickness.

What happened? I went off the deep end. That's how I ended up in the rocket ship. I got hit with a dose of reality. I came to the conclusion, dog. I came to a couple conclusions, okay? I came to conclusion number one that I wasn't getting no money. But now I was in a deeper dilemma.

For the last fucking 10 years, I'm telling all these idiot friends of mine, I'm getting a half a million dollars. So now I'm going to look like the asshole that I really fucking am and the loser that I really am. You know, I'm not getting no money. Why have I been saying this stupid fucking lie for it for five fucking years? Why? Why, Lee?

Why do people do this to themselves? Here I was a young kid just lying to my fucking self that I had this money coming to me. I had nothing. Makes it easier, I think, than to face it. Oh, my God. When I finally broke the news to myself, you know what I'm saying? Like, I had to break the news to myself.

Like, Joey, you're not getting no fucking money. It was traumatizing. When I got the news that I had to go work for a fucking living, it was traumatizing. Do you think people were talking about it? Like, when you would say, oh, I'm going to get this money and you would leave people. Like, he's not getting any fucking money. He's fucking living under a rocket ship. No, because they knew the stories.

You know, people knew the fucking stories about how me and my stepdad and all this shit. But I just couldn't handle. I just fucking lashed out. And I just, it broke me down for four months. But that charade did that to me. That fucking sure. That's why whenever I see somebody living a charade,

and you know it, you know it because you lived it. I lived it. I lived it. And we all live charades at some part all your life. for another. You all go through a little minute of it where you go, what's the, what the what am I fucking crazy? I just got thrown out of the South Point.

I got banned on the South Point. Why am I hanging out with Joey Diaz before? No, but that's just saying. No, no, I mean, I get it. It's very, it fucked with me. Yeah. And then something really weird happened to me after that whole thing went down.

Okay. I stopped talking to my stepdad, you know. I made a deal with myself. I said, you know what? At this point, I'm taking the story out of content because what really happened was I started hanging out with George. And George Kaladinsky had a friend named Sammy. And one night, me, Sammy, and George went out into the city

and we picked up an eight ball. And about three in the morning we're fucking hamming. And Sammy looks over at me. He goes, you know who I am, right? And I go, none, if I don't. and he goes, I thought that he told you that we, our families kind of know each other. Yeah, yeah, kind of. He goes, well, anyway, a lot of people don't know this, but he goes,

I'm getting fucking $10 million when I'm 21 years old. Just out of the blue. Out of the blue, and he just started telling me the story on how his father was a bookie, and that's a true story. I mean, they even had it in the New York Daily News. It was fucking real. There was a Spanish team that there were a boyfriend, girlfriend team that were taking, killing people, like setting them up.

And they killed the father in his own house. And he hit the alarm, and that's how the cops came. But to make a long story fucking short, he always said he had a will coming. And I remember being coked up with him and him telling me all this, and me looking at this guy. And I remember that whole time when I was fucking doing.

Like, that was the same story I was telling. Like, that was my violin when we did blow. you know that was my little you want me to bring you guys down let me bring you guys down my mom died and i'm getting this fucking money and there was no fucking money but uh you want me to say what happened to that kid's money yeah he did get money he didn't get his family got it and his mother donated it to a church fuck you up as a kid but that's a nice thing to do as a kid like you must hate your mom a little bit me or or he must have yeah I mean, it's a great thing to do, but if you've been thinking you're going to get 10 million bucks, it goes to the church, the whole thing.

It was horrible for me. It was a horrible, and that's why when I see people, whether it's, that was a Marie T.C. I'm mind of my own fucking business. And there's this girl up there I see every nine months. Now, I should not say this to you people, but I have to, because I have to fill in the fucking story. It doesn't matter what color she is or what nationality she is. She's not the best-looking girl in the world

and she's a nosy-rosy. She's one of those nosy-rosy types and she's a comedian and between you and I she's fucking horrendously bad. She's awkward, very awkward on stage. And I've seen her.

She's been here for 15 years and nothing has happened for her as a stand-up. But whenever I see her, she always stops, comes over and tells me about what she's doing. and I know it's all bullshit because she's living a charade. I can't tell of that.

I mean, she's still doing extra work, Lee. She's still doing fucking extra work, 15 years later. For $100 a day? I don't know what they pay, but she's like, you know, I need one more voucher. 15 fucking years, you've been an extra. And she told me she did a movie with, like, Matt Damon, and he told her he was going to put her in a new movie,

and she never heard back from him in a new movie shot. You know, Lee, when you buy into it, to that shit and you've been an extra for 15 years. Do you know what I'm saying? I could have said something. I won't because she has a dream. I can't. But at what point do you realize you're running a fucking charade?

Am I supposed to say something? I'm not going to fucking say nothing. I'm not going to fucking say nothing. I'm not going to my business. Maybe people looked at me 10 years ago and thought I was running a fucking charade. Well, like, I've been thinking about that. Like, at what point everyone's goal is to be successful? At what point do people stop?

Like, I rented a car in the, in the due, who rented me in the car was calling me sir and he was probably older than my dad and it made me feel like garbage and I was like what at what age is he okay with being that doing that and like at what age do you admit that you're doing a charade I wasn't doing a charade with comedy I was just doing calmly with no end I never thought I would have mine I never thought I would have mine I never thought I would headline. So I always thought it would be like that feature act that would become a great feature act with no credits or nothing like that. But did he want to headline? Looking back, I don't know. That's how out of the loop I wanted to be. I just wanted to have a fucking job, Lee. I didn't know if I wanted a headline because I didn't know if I wanted what came with that. And when I say it's headliners, there's two types of headliners. There's the guys that just headline C rooms and D rooms. They make an okay living. I'm not putting nobody down, but they're very content with that. There's guys that do comedy and they want to push it a little further. They want to be on Sineat Live. They want to be on Mad TV.

They want to be on a show, whatever the fuck they want to be. That's why the whole purpose is when I asked you, people say they want to be rich. Again, it's just like fucking doing goals. Okay, so you want to be rich. And I spell rich with an R. That's how stupid I am. right is that how you spell it yeah rich r i c h not w rc h no you're right rich okay you want to be rich so how do you claim to being rich okay that's what i never knew i thought just thought you became

rich i thought i was gonna kick down the door and bump into fucking two million dollars that's how dumb i was that's how pathetic i was all those years like i was like a like a lottery ticket guy Like there's lottery ticket people who play it for amusement. There's people who play a lottery and think they're really going to fucking win. You know, Pat Benatar had a contest one year where she was going to get married in Hawaii. I bought a thousand postcards. I sent postcards to MTV from every fucking mailbox in New York City, New Jersey. I didn't even win an album because it was like one lucky winner and a friend go to Hawaii.

500 people get like an autograph picture in an album. another 500 people get like a fucking album Another hundred people get like a t-shirt I got nothing I swear to God I bought 100 fucking postcards I'm lying and buy a thousand I bought 100 fucking postcards And I licked a snack and put them on every one of them

I actually thought I was gonna win that fucking thing And go to Hawaii and I was gonna yell at the wedding Like an asshole Like when they asked if anyone has any thing to say You were gonna say you want to marry Pap Fener Trenner? Yep that's how fucking stupid I was so wait

and your playlist of proposed or dog I was living in a fucking planet oh my God between the drugs the fucking weed my fucking single child bullshit I was living in this fucking fantasy world bro

and when I broke out of it at like 25 or 26 it was mind-boggling how much pain it was to break out of that fantasy world. I had this fake cushion I was living. Jesus Christ, look at that. I've never admitted that to nobody.

Like I was going to go to Hawaii. There's so many fucking mind fucks I had. There was one particular mind fuck. February of 1984, one of my biggest mind fucks, 83. I was going to rob this bookmaker

who had a closet filled with cash late. When I tell you a fucking closet. You know those shelves for towels? Oh yeah, a living closet. He had like fives, tens, 20s, 50s, hundreds. Like, in the fucking closet. That's my dream. Okay? That's what he

had. That's what he had in the fucking closet. You would go over to pay a bet and he'd make chains, open up the closet, and take the chain. Who hides money in a closet? That's how much cash he had. And people knew it. It was well known. But he was such a badass.

In my mind, I was going to break into the back fucking window because he went to his real house on the weekend. And they would leave the cash there over the weekend. He would, oh my. That was the word on the street. That's a fuck. That's like a, what is that to you? That's like a steak to you.

I almost. That was one time that I sit there and I go, I should have got shot. But he didn't get his gun. Oh, he was there. He was there. He even opened the curtain. And he looked right at me. I had like a half a mascot.

And at that point I heard the cops And I started fucking running I jumped over the fence And I got away from the cops I ripped my hand open That was a scam I actually thought That I was gonna like move to Jamaica

And smoke weed with the stones Until I was 90 And you have these illusions When you're a kid I had these And I thought money was gonna solve all of them Okay, that's what I thought You hit your nail on the head before

I thought money was gonna sound of fucking all of them. And you know what, man, I remember getting out of my, I remember getting in such a hole in 90. You gotta remember, guys, this was a 10-year hole. Think of not having money for 10 years. No money. From 1990 to 2000,

I basically lived hand to fucking mouth. No savings account anywhere. Nothing. And I'm not going to lie to you in, 93, I made money. You know, 60,000, one December, I made about 100 grand that year. I made some money. But from 94 to 2000, comically, I was picking up $50, $100 here.

You know, there was, you know, in those days, a feature got $450, $350, $250, $250. I wasn't making no fucking money. I was probably making... Less than $1,000 a month? less than a thousand a month from 95 to 2000 and snort and blow

and buying clothes and child support and just putting it together playing tickets then I met Terry then I met Terry and she started lending me the little money

as she had we started pooling fucking money together but 2000 I didn't have fucking no money that's when people asked me how long did it take you to make money 2004 when I got the longest yard that was the first

first, I mean, I had gotten a few paychecks, you know, Spider-Man 2 and fucking, you got nothing. I did a bunch of movies that I got paychecks on that that took care of things to the next paycheck. But the big paycheck that bailed me out was the longest yard. And that didn't bail me out completely. That just bailed me out a quarter. The rest of them had to suck my dick. And so what happened at 30 that you stopped caring about being poor?

I hit Rock Bow. I had something I never thought would happen. I just hit rock bottom. That's it. I lost all my credit cards. I lost my wife. I lost my job. I lost fucking everything. I had to start from scratch. In 1991 and 1993, I started from scratch at the age of 30. So once you have a little dough, you make dough, you get locked up, you sell some drugs, whatever. Now you lose everything. Once you have nothing, you have nothing to lose. Nothing really affects me now. Nothing really affects me. I keep my rent low.

I keep my bills low. I don't live like a fucking animal, you know? I'm not looking at my savings account. I just don't live like an animal. There's a thousand things I could do, dumb shit. I just don't do it. Not because I'm cheap. I just don't want to do it.

I don't understand. Is it a fear of losing it again? do you think or not at all i don't do blow i don't do anything that i would lose it but you could lose it a normal way just fucking the economy or fucking i don't know what the stock market we're not stock markets i go out on the weekend and make a living a movie calls me up i get union wages there's nothing i could do about it you know yeah it's going to slow up it's going to dry up and you're always prepared you i don't care if you have 20 million dollars you're always concerned if you're going to lose your money or lose what you've worked for but that's why you keep working

and you don't worry about it. I don't worry about it. I don't go to Aruba. I don't want to go to Puerto Rico. I don't want to do none of that shit. I just want to raise a healthy baby. I want to take it to Disneyland. You know what I'm saying?

I wanted to get over this fucking car sickness so I can take other places. Beside that, you know, I'm simple. At this age, what do I want to? For 10 years, I lived in this hell. I thought that you needed money. I really, really thought that. You needed money to be accepted.

You need money to be accepted. You need money to be like. You need money to have friends. You need money to have a woman. If you need money to have any of these type, get rid of them. If you need money to have friends, then don't hang out with those dudes. You know, in 84, one of my biggest mistakes would my friends had money. Why is that a mistake?

Because every time I ran with them, the dinner, I was broke. I was broke after the dinner. Never mind the eight ball of blow when the dancing and the drinks, Heineken on, in a bottle and the shot to fucking Quervo, tequila, and, you know, the parkings and all that shit. So when you hang out with people, I was trying to be one of them.

That was part of my charade. Don't worry about nothing. I'm getting $10 million in a couple of months. I'll be buying champagne for everybody. That was part of the fucking charade, Lee. You ever hang out with rich people? You got to act a certain way. You got to do things a certain way.

If they go somewhere, you got to go somewhere. They can't know that you don't really get money from your dad. They don't know. See, I wouldn't do that. Me neither. But there's people who do that just to have those type of friends. Because that's what I was going to say. The one thing that does bother me is when I know people have money and like when they try to split a check item by item or like they, or real, like they get real.

Especially at dinner. That's always when it bugs me. Like they're like they don't want to pay for certain things or just split the check. It really bugs me. And it's always those people. And those people of people don't tip either. I've had people with American Express black cards not tip me. Lee, that's why they have money.

Because they act that way. Let me give us some shout out to you real quick. Where do we start? My main man, Elliot Frazier, Nikki Power, Frank Berderi, Berdini, whatever your fucking name is, you know, I love you, cocksucker, Yos, Parish, Mike, Chris Zodis, Adam St. Clair, Josh Stark,

Christopher Reitz, and Paul Vogler. I love you guys. Don't forget San Jose next week Thursday, Friday Saturday I think that's the 11th

through the 13th Then I'm at the Timbler Brewing Company and Bakersfield On the 19th Then I'm at the Brea Improd April 31st

No March 31st To April 2nd Get your tickets Bitches It's been a nice Couple fuck February It was a nice month Hell yeah

Wasn't that bad I got to work on Marin for a few days days. Excuse me. We did that show at the belly room last Wednesday.

Thank you if you came out. How'd it go? Honest to God. I always talk about the original room. The belly room is a fucking powerhouse little room. It was Steve Simone.

It was my man, Rogan, and then I went up. We were out of there by 9.30. Eleanor Kerrigan had a showcase at 10. She was taping up there or something.

I seen Dice's kids. It was great. It was great. It was a great little time. That's the first night you got sick. Yeah. My dad came down there with us. It was great. I had no fucking complaints. That's awesome. You know, I keep it simply. I'm getting older. I get tired. I keep it simple. You know, the Savage Dad tour, I'm putting the rest of the dates up. And after that, that's it. I got a fill in Chicago, which is October. I'm only going out two weeks a month, some months, maybe one week a month. July I got nothing. Oh, you're taking July off?

I think so. That should be fun. Well, maybe not. You know, I'm just saying for right now I got to find some. I don't want to go to these places once a year anymore. I want to go once every 18 months on my material is solid for them. So I defeats the purpose if I go once a year, every 11, 12 months. They hear 30% of that fucking material.

I don't want them to hear that fucking material. Right, like you haven't been to San Jose in about two years or something, right? Two years, because for a while I was always in San Jose. And San Jose, Sacramento, and San Francisco, God bless their souls, but those motherfuckers drive. Then they come two months later, and I got the same material, maybe 20 minutes different. I feel fucking insecure. I rather you not. So from now, I'm only going to two places in the Bay Area.

If you notice, I got San Jose and Sacramento. I don't have San Francisco in the books. I might just lay San Francisco one night only at Cobbs, like a night before New Year's or something like that, just to get in and out of there real quick, just to keep. them in check, you know, I love San Francisco. I really do love San Francisco. As a city, there's a lot of fucking cities I like. But I like, I lived in San Francisco, so I've always had like this weird attraction to it.

That night with you, with the dude with the dog, to me, was one of the funniest nights. If I have to rank 10 nights in my life, that was one of the funniest nights ever to me. With that dude running away and then he'd come back with the dog and they threaten us, then the guy would come from the hotel and he'd go, excuse me, can you guys keep it down? We have people inside. The guy wouldn't be in the hotel two minutes. I started yelling at the guy. I can come back. You fuck.

If you want, I can check. I think there's a chance I have it in my email. No, no. Leave it along, please. That was fucking craziness. With me, you, the kid from San Francisco. For some reason, the last year, people have been asking me about my life in San Francisco.

It was fucking whack. It was whack. It was the wackiest four fucking months. From when I was robbing, I was robbing people in the building. I was fucking selling drugs with cute. There was Cubans who were beating up gay guys. It was fucking horrid. It was just horrid. It's hysterical. If they ever make a movie in my life, they got to do those four months as just like comedy. It was really straight up fucking comedy. I would sit in a hotel with a newspaper and wait for tourists to go in and out. Then I'd follow the maid and pick the keys out. And those days, the maids would go in, open the door and leave the keys in the door. That's the opening of the movie right there. What's that? You're just sitting in a hotel room, just sitting there with a

the newspaper, all of a sudden you walk up, find the maid, and just go and steal something from the room? Listen to me, in San Francisco I lived in a room that the window faced the alley and the alley had four windows. It was just a shoot. And the black guy straight

across me, it was maybe five foot six. Muscle bound, but ripped. And he would put a thong on every night. And he would play Stevie Wonder music and just dance in his underwear on top of his bed. But he would dance seductively till two or three in the morning.

I would open up my curtain. He'd be in their day. You cannot write this shit, Lee. I lived in a fucking at the Virginian hotel that is now the hostel. I was friends. I used to double date with the manager

of the building and his wife. Me and my girlfriend used to double date with them. And they kept telling me at dinner, somebody keeps robbing the building. What do you say? That's terrible. We have no idea how they're getting in. We've had about 18.

complaints. We think it's one of the maids. It's got to be the maids. Who else could it be? They got the keys. But the maids, I would take in the key, put open to the door and putting the key right back. I did this about five or six times, Lee. Do you really rob like one room a day? I would play it off. But there was this old guy in the building. When I say old, he was my age now. He was about 50 something. And he lived towards the window at the fire escape. And he lived. And he lived towards the window at the fire escape. And he. And he, he always locked his doors. He was a bookie. He did those sheets, but he never figured out that he lived on the first floor. All I had to do was stretch my leg

and open his window. His window was always open. So it opened his window, jump off the fire escape, and then just crawl into his house, into his hotel room. And I would take some of the tickets, and I would take all the cash.

And he was good friends with the landlord also. Okay. So they were all sitting there going, it's got to be the fucking maid. And I'm sitting there with the guy's money in my pocket going, how are you guys doing today? It was horrible until I got caught in a fucking hotel room. How did that happen? I don't fucking know.

Oh, no, I went in the people's room and the people came back when I was in their room. So I got the key from the maid, opened up their room, put it back, went in that room, locked the door. And also I heard the key going. And there was the people. They had come back. They had forgot like a camera or something like that. Well, your heart has to sink. I was going to jump off the second floor.

And then they sent the cops, and the cops opened up. And I thought, I said I was scared that I was taking a towel from the maid. And they started putting it all together. They caught me in the room. This wasn't good. I was the last guy they were looking at. And this is where you were living, too, or no? You don't shit where you sleep.

Room number one that I broke. I was 21 years old. I thought I had the world by the balls. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to do. You should rob your own room in that way. It looked like it wasn't you. I was in the room, Lee. Yeah, but just say something was stolen from my room.

They busted me. There's no getting out of it. They busted me. And then, like, four days later, I lost a trust of the building a little bit. And then four days later, the German tourist that I had broken into their room, got pissed off because the cops didn't arrest me. So they went to the embassy, the press charges. So a cop called down there and told the landlord, hey, is he still there?

And they, well, yeah, we're going to be there in three hours to arrest him. So the landlord, who was my friend, came up and he goes, hey, just to let you know the cops just called here, they're coming to arrest you. They're getting a warrant because that lady complained. I packed my shit, went downstairs, and got in a bus. Right around the corner there was a bus. It was downtown San Francisco on the tenderloin. I took a bus to Reno.

I never told you about this. I think you talked a little bit about the bus to Reno. And there was a fucking Arabian kid in there, and he lit a fucking cigarette with tobacco, ash, and weed in there. Right. And this was when Reno was so backwards that I was trying to get rolling papers and people were telling me to get the fuck away from that. because I would do 10 years.

I'm not kidding you, Lee. We were talking about last week. That's when we're talking about it. You're fuck now. You should have remind me. You're the producer. This was last week? Yeah, we're talking about this was Mike Dowd

how in, in, you know, in 85. They wouldn't even talk to me. I would go into stores and say, do you people have rolling papers? And they would go, get the fuck out of here. We don't even want people rolling papers in our store. They'll give us 10 fucking years. Fuck.

So where did you go from there? I went back to San Francisco. just shot right back to the airport and put my girlfriend on a fucking plane. And she went on a plane and with the pretense that she was going to send me money to get on the plane before the cops got to me. It took her two days. I stayed at the airport for two fucking days. I lived at that airport waiting. Before security?

This was way before security. And you could live in an airport for a month and they wouldn't say nothing to you. Oh, really? You could just go from terminal to terminal. Take a shower in there, prep your hair. I mean, there were no showers in there. You could take a Puerto Rican shower in the sink, wash your balls and your armpits. And I would shop with their food at the airport.

It was fucking horrible. Wasn't smoking cigarettes. I was smoking weed. I would go outside and smoke weed. I had a bag of weed with me at the airport for two days. I lived at the airport. And she bought me to a plant ticket and I moved back to the boat. You weren't worried that the cops were going to find you at the airport?

Like, they're full of cops. It was a misdemeanor Warren. It's not like television where they put an APB in yet The fucking airport's and shit It was a misdemeanor warrant Can't do you ever get worried about going back to Sanford? No, there's no warrant anymore Oh, okay

It went away, disappeared I paid the fine There was no fucking fine I'm lying to it But that was all part of it Lee This is all part of the fucking shit, you know I'm happy that I haven't lived a fucking fog like that for 30 years.

No, yeah. 25 years, 20 years, let's say. I haven't been fucked up on one of those. But it sucked me up a lot. It does. And when the cold reality of the end of the charade comes, it's painful, man. You feel like a fucking asshole, but not really.

You feel like you can't believe you pulled the wool over your eyes. It's like that. It's like my neighbor, the chick that was dating a young guy. And she really thought she was going to win them over at the end. You're going to be 80 and he's going to be fucking 50. Your pussy's going to drag to the floor and he's going to be filled up. Some

things just don't fucking work. It comes up to, it's up to you to stop the fucking charade. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just that's it. That's what we're talking about tonight. How are you feeling? I'm good, but it's funny you brought that up. Like, I've known for a while that diet soda is terrible. No?

The diet soda is terrible for you. But like, I just kept telling myself like I would stop. And then yesterday, I didn't have any all day. And I felt like I almost had to tell Paul that I wasn't going to go last night. And then I was like, wait, I haven't had a soda today. Let me have one. And then two minutes, I was feeling great. I was like, I never felt that.

Like even when I was doing the juicing and I didn't have soda, I didn't feel that. So you drank the soda? You drank it? And I felt, I felt great. When you drank it? Yeah, when I drank it. So I had not, like, people told me from years and it's terrible. I just, but yeah, I know. And my answer was like, oh, well, if I'm everyone, I'm going to get cancer. I'll just get it this way.

But I'm like, I felt terrible. I haven't felt like that in years. Like, I've never, I've never experienced that. I'm not drinking soda? Yeah, I felt like garbage. I felt like the flu was coming back. You better get your life together. You understand me?

I know. It's just caffeine and whatever the fuck else they got in there. I don't drink anything else with caffeine, though, so that's why. So you're going to quit drinking soda? Yeah. You're going to quit. When did you come to this fucking When I realized that not drinking one for a day

Made me feel like I was hiking the flu again And you don't even drinking soda with sugar in it Nope, just diet Just diet So that's what like the And people have been telling me And I know and it just And I love it but I didn't stop

I used to always drink in the morning People busted my boss The guy on Twitter one day Just sent me this fucking thing That was horrific Yeah What happens when you drink soda in the morning And that was it

I was done after that I didn't eat the feet bad you still going to subway you still do this fucking nasty shit I'm not gonna nasty shit me nasty shit all that stuff you're a new man it's little things you got to close little doors before new ones fucking open you keep eating subway when does it end when does it end you know every time there's a holiday you go back to those creepy places it's open all those places all those creepy put you see that all those little wings you didn't see that that fucking wing place were all rats did you see that

See that article? What wing place? No. Those little fucking little wing places that you go to, what's the one you go to in Burbank? Buffalo Owls? They were buying a fucking rat. No, they weren't. Yes, they fucking weren't.

Like I told my wife, I go, Lee Syatt wanted to do a fucking food show about food trucks. You should do a food show about where they get sick and eat shitty fucking food. I don't get sick at places. No, because you're a billygo. It's when you take somebody normal to one of your places and they get sick to death. You've gotten Paula hooked on that She's got one of those stomachs too She's got one of those Mexican billy goat stomachs

You got one of those Jerusalem Billy goat stomachs And together Where'd you eat tacos at today? Some place disgusting Casas del Diablo or some shit like that Yeah, because he does tacos Yeah sure, right

Somebody normal goes in there They're shit in blood They're yelping, they're seeing shit You understand what I'm trying to say? I went back to Skinny Kitchen tonight though How was that? It was really good They had a whole bunch of new stuff

What did you get at Skinny Kitchen? I got a grilled chicken sandwich with avocado and turkey bacon. Good? Yeah, it was actually really good. They have a whole bar there now. They have like a food bar, like a juice bar and stuff. That's nice. You bad, motherfucker.

Good month this month. Good month of podcasts. I'm happy you guys tuned in. It's been weird. We got the new studio. We finally got the fucking patois of the studio, as they say is shit. Best thing about the studio is I could smoke fucking refa. I come in here at daytime and play fucking songs and shit

I still haven't figured out how to work the GoPro And sometimes I just come down here just to check Because I know Lisa's gonna check out of the studios Fucking all alone I'm here all day You ain't here yesterday I came yesterday There was fucking people lurking outside the fence

You know I gotta watch this place like a fucking hawk But besides that I'm good man I've been uh Jitsu Wind Steady I've been stuck at fucking 299 That's why I didn't eat that fucking cake in Vegas I got to check out myfitness pal.com.

It's really weird when you're responsible for something. I fucking, for the last year, I write everything in my fitness pal. Except what I eat after the night. Yeah. I keep that I'm, but I never go overboard. You know, like I'll eat like two apples or I eat like a fucking cheese sandwich on a piece of that thin fucking wheat bread or something like that. you know, nothing overboard. But even my jiu-jitsu, there's a thing I go to BJJ record something.com.

Breakdown. BJJ breakdown, is it? I believe so, yeah. Rafi's not. No, no, no, that's a podcast. Oh, but it's BJJ breakdown. I'm pretty sure. No, I forget what it is.

It's a journal. BJJJ journal. Ever since I've been going, you know, the first thing I do when I walk in the door from Jitsu is I go to BJJJJ journal and I write the move down we worked on. if I rolled, how my breathing was, then they have a thing called mat time. And you click on to mat time. You know, when I fucking eat,

same thing with my fitness pal. And I go through it at the end of the week and I see what I ate. And then I remember what I ate that night. And I'm like, fuck, you know. And I'm still, hey, listen, we're human, plus I'm 53. My metabolism is a lot slower.

That's what I went online. I talked to a trainer, friend of mine. He goes, maybe you have to do those hit workouts, but he goes, I really don't want you to do an elliptical. every other fucking day. Because I told him, I was thinking about doing your workout.

Why didn't he say you want you to do that? Because he goes, I want you to fucking do more Jiu-Jitsu. I want you to go in the advanced class and roll more and get your heart going that way. I'd rather you do. Jesus Christ, just thinking about it. It gives me the fucking, I want to shit myself.

But it's great to be responsible, man. I don't know what goals you guys have or what you want to do. But log everything down. I log everything down. You know, and it's a really weird weight watcher teaches you that to write everything down and you look at it at the end of the week and you go, ooh, I went to yum yums and I ate two donuts that night

and I went to fucking this place and I had a piece of least cake. You know, sometimes if it's just two bites of a cake, I'll put a piece of cake and I'll take the punishment for the carbs. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I'll put over carbs and over calories. Sometimes I go, the other day I went to lunch with Terry and I took a bite of her apple pie and I put a whole slice down.

Just to make over the calories. Over the calories, yeah. You know, so it's really good if you log your shit down. That's what my weight loss, stagnant and reeling is when I stopped doing my fitness bill. No, what I do comedy,

I write down every set, how I did, and what's the new joke I tried, and what I think. And I've been doing this since 1997. I'm going to go on 20 years next year. Do you have all the notebooks?

I have the notebooks. I go all the way back to 2004. Terry wants to kill me. They're in a box. And I looked at them. I also have my auditions on record. And the main sheet I read. I have all my audition sheets.

I'm sure a couple of them are missing. But I still got my sopranos. I still got my men in black audition. I still got... Do you write down if you get... the role or something? I write down if I get the row, how my audition went, how many times they sent me to go into read, what I thought. You know, when I go into an audition, I look at it three different ways. Because I look at it for the initial read, the producer read, and the network

read. So I prepare that on a sheet of paper. So I'll take a piece of paper and I'll put lines to it and put like, the name of the project is Gabriel. The cast and director is Mick Foley, the date and then what I'll do is inside I'll go to a separate page and I'll put the date of your edition the casting director who's directing it I'll see what else he's been directing

to style right if it's a TV show it really doesn't matter because every three weeks a new director comes in if it's a network show so it's not like he's gonna imprint

this style but I always look to see if he's done films to see what style is shooting he's got and I write all these variables down and I write the scenes. Like, let's say if I have to go to an audition, and there's three scenes. I write what the,

what is the scene saying? What the fuck is going on? So, wait. So, like, let's say you get an audition for a movie, and you've never seen any of the movies this director has. Are you, are you tubing clips of it? Are you? Sometimes, sometimes I just wiki his films

and just see who he worked with, with genre, where he came from, you know. And does that change how you plan to audition? Yes. So can you like two different directors? Like, I don't know, Spielberg versus Tarantino. Okay, let's say, like I auditioned for Spielberg once.

And it was on tape. But they, this was so fucking a badass that they called me. You had it. When you got the audition, they gave you a number. You had a call. Okay. Got a call to the casting direction. And she'd tell you exactly what he wanted and how he wanted.

Now, he did not want to the improvising. He wanted you to do the three or the three. three scenes down. So this is how to prepare them just to save you energy. Do not improvise. Do not go off book. You know, off book means he wanted you to be off book. No glasses.

No improvising. No money of your own words. This is how he wanted. It was for the show Tintin. Oh, right. That show Tintin. It was me, Shrippa, and some other guy. I think the other guy got it at the end. You know, I auditioned for Gus Van Zant.

He did you know he was doing a Travolta movie but now he had done like the movie about the junkie with Matt Dillon up in Portland, Oregon I forget what the name of the movie is. He did that I look at all those to see what genre, what I could get away with, what I could say Ooh, if you work with that guy, I admire that guy. So maybe I could you know what I'm saying? So that gives me a little insight into the project, but I write everything down. So when I go in there, I know this project now in scenes I just drew an audition out that I had I don't know I put in this notebook this is for a pilot a CBS pilot okay now this first scene in this pilot is scene number one so it's two pages and so what I do is I read this scene scene number one it's this whole audition is seven pages so it's probably three scenes So this is the scene when I come into the donut shop And Arthur owns the donut shop

And Franco is his assistant And you know, blah, blah, blah. It's what happens in the scene, I write it down. What really happens in the scene? You outline it. So if I come in here and I say to you listen, I got an opportunity of a lifetime. What's the opportunity, Joey?

I'm going to give you in on my new fucking project. What's the name of the project? Dick sucking dick. Really, how much money do you need? I'm looking for $3 million. even if we have a 20 minute conversation. I don't give a fuck about the conversation. I want to write,

what's the fucking patois of this goddamn scene? What is really going on? So that's what I write for scene one, scene two, and scene three. So now when I go in there, no matter what happens, I know the character and I know it needs to come out of my mouth.

Do you follow me? Because I could tell you, fuck you 80 different ways. Right. So no matter if I fuck up on it, I'm not really going to fuck up as long as I know the character that I'm reading and what direction where I'm going in the scene.

And once she's feeding me lines, you follow me? So the first time I go into the audition, I know the lines, but I'm a little loose, and I take instruction. If the director, like, there's a show on HBO that the guy's in love with his words, so was Milch on NYPD Blue.

He was in love with his writing. You were not allowed to improvise in the audition. They wouldn't even look at your take. A lot of writers don't like you improvising their shit Yeah, I can see it being personal Okay, so some, but some writers don't give a fuck But you gotta know that going in So these are little things you find out

You should always do a little research before you go in And do you call people or how do you find that shit out? IMDB It's gonna say they don't like this No, let's say that it says on there I go, oh my God, that guy directed Maz in the movie I'll call Maas Oh, okay.

Okay, so I'll call somebody who worked with the fucking guy. And I'll find out all I can about them or through rumor or through interviews or whatever. You read up on the guy. There's a show on HBO about, I don't even know what the fuck's about. But I went to read and the instructions where I do not add a word into it. There's some auditions that don't really give a fuck what you say. But that's how I have every, the point of this was I have everything on papal. I could tell you how many auditions I went out for in 2008.

I could tell you how many auditions I went out for 2009. I could tell you how many commercial auditions I went out for 2009. You understand this makes me stronger. Now I know. Were you doing this when you had no money? Yes. I was doing this in 1997. When I did have money, I booked a Taco Bell commercial.

But I figured I wanted to do 300 sets a year. Jerry West, one of the greatest shooters in basketball, used to start. this day with 300 jump shots a day. So for some reason, I had that number 300. So my thing was to do 300 sets a year. That means basically if you do 300 sets, you have how many days in the year? 365.

So you have 65 days off. So that means you have Sundays off. And a couple of extra days, but you should be on stage all those nights, right? Yeah. Because it's 52 weeks in the year. There's a guy who did that 1,000 nights in a row of comedy yeah yeah no no I did 80 90 when I was first starting I'd do 80 90 6 7 months in

a row every fucking night you just went on there and found where there's an open mic you didn't give a fuck what do I care open mic go down there's three people with a ukulele or some fucking well I used to do spoken word open mics in Seattle there was a place on a Thursday at seven right by the house. Now we'd go and then do seven minutes of comedy. And you wrote down all those sets? I would love to read those.

But has anyone ever seen them? My wife, maybe. But she hasn't looked at them directly. You could tell the ones that I wrote when I was coked up. You could tell the ones that I wrote when I was straight. You could tell the ones that I wrote the day.

Because what I would do is sometimes I would write the set before I left. So if I knew how to look at it, 1145 at the comedy store, I'd write February 28th, 1145 comedy store. And I left the notebook open, so when I get back in the door, I'd just fill it out. You know what I'm saying to you?

I tried a new joke. I bombed. Next time I shouldn't go out there this drum. Boom. Do you ever review these? Or is it just the act? I look at the month. I look at the months now.

I look at the months. What does that mean? You do an overall month? I look at the month review, yeah. What does the month review say? I should get on stage more. Like this month, I should have got on stage a little more. I think I did like 18 spots this month,

which I should be doing 25 right now. That's what record keeping does to you. Record keeping for weight, and even for weight, you know, I got to start doing it for workouts. That's what I was doing it for workouts. That's what you got to do. When you got a notebook and log down, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then write four days of this.

Out of the seven days, you got to do four days of 40 minutes on a cardio. And out of that, you got to do four days lifting weights. Okay. And this is, look, I don't know if it's self-discipline or commit, that's... You have to write everything down. The power of the pen is so fucking important. That'll make your head goddamn explode. If you couldn't write all this stuff,

down what would happen? I don't think I'd be as effective as I would because you have nothing to draw from. You have no guide. I can't gauge what I'm doing. And you have to write in there subjectively and honestly. Like I didn't do well tonight.

You know, I just didn't do well. My timing was off. You know, I read one from, the reason why I'm talking about is because I wrote the one at the end of the month. I wrote the one from Valentine's Day where I wrote that. I said a woman in the ass too quick on stage.

I said it three minutes in. Why say something like that? Little things. I write when I fuck up like that, so I read it and I think about the fuck-up as I did. I can't listen to myself. That would really hurt my feelings. This is the closest I could do.

But I have to be brutally honest with myself. If you're not brutally honest with yourself and your record-keeping, you're just cooking books. You're just cooking your own fucking books, or why are you even doing it? if he's just going to tell me that you did great every night I did great I killed I lit that room on fire

maybe in your world I let that room on fire but I did a set that I had been doing for the last three weeks I got to knock that all you follow me that's what I write in there where did this come from was this when you learn was this when you learned to write your goals down or you I learned the comedy on my own the comedy and the acting I learned on my own I like looking back at things. I like looking back at things and see who you read for. Oh my God, I have a

relationship with her. It's very important. I learned this from telemarketing. I learned this from calling people and not remember them why you called them and when you called them. And then I'm saying, Pete, you called me last week. Fuck. You know, I didn't write it down. So when I call somebody now, I write 2.29-16. 2.m. I suppose. to Lee Syatt and we discussed our next call I don't do this

anymore with calls don't trust me I'm not selling nothing on the phone but if you're doing something on the phone you should keep this so when you open up

to his file at least you know what your conversation was with him right no yeah it's it's interesting when like hey if you have repeat customers

you should have three or four notebooks at all times one for your weight you know we'll have my fitness pal and that's for what I eat and then you know the jiu-jitsu whatever is for

when I the most important thing I do on that is I write the move down so I remember to move put your hand down do this and I also I write the the amount of times I want in the month and I try to beat the time before

you know because that's what you're always trying to do when you work out you're trying to beat the month before you're always trying to do something better the month before So I don't know I don't know where I got it from I need to try it For the comedy

I don't know where I got it from But I know it helped me tremendously Over the years Because I really It really fucking let me know If I was slipping You know it's your own little Bible And at the end of the year you just close it

And then you look at it two years later And you go Jesus Christ Wow Do you just get high and like read Through years of stand-up sometimes Sometimes Sometimes it's pain I was reading through Christmas of 2003 in Houston, Texas.

And you could see where I was just a mess. I was writing sideways. I would write jokes on the paper. I remember those nights. Anyway, like I said, man, this is what this podcast is about. Sometimes they're funny. Sometimes we torture league. Sometimes they torture me.

Sometimes we say shit. And sometimes we just, you know, disclose things about your life, that this is how you fucking do it, Lee. You keep a record of everything. I don't know why I started the comedy. It's really weird. Let's give a shout out to our sponsors, and I'll get you motherfuckers out of here.

You know, I do it now. I'm not going to lie to anybody. When I wake up in the mornings now, I sit and I relax. No music on, no sound. And I just let my mind go. And sometimes I get on the floor. and I breathe

and sometimes I just sit there and just breathe and feel my internal no matter how you look at it it's a form of meditation you know let's be honest most of your problems start with your mind fear anger stress anxiety depression

sleepnessness they begin in your head but they can wreck your life it doesn't have to be that way you can make a major difference in just 10 minutes a day all right 10 minutes a day this change comes through

guided meditation with the new Headspace app. You can show you what are you talking about. Headspace is a meditation made simple. Okay, it's guided meditation that you listen to whenever you want, wherever you want, right on your phone, computer or tablet. Meditation is rooted in thousands of years of traditions with thousands of scientific studies that show its positive effects like improving focus, relationship, harmony, and decreasing anxiety and stress.

You know, for me, between four and six in the morning is when my head is at peace. I have to get up, breathe, calm it down, and that's when all the ideas flow on my head and whatever, and I just sit there. And again, it's just you and sound. That's it. Nothing else. Again, meditation is rooted in thousands of years of tradition. So do me a favor.

Join over 4 million users already getting headspace for free. For free, right now. Do me your favor. Download the free Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey. The Headspace Take 10 program is 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy modern life. We're busy. We're busy.

You click on to the Headspace app, 10, Take 10 program, try it out for 10 days of guided meditation. at Headspace.com slash Joey. Train your mind for a healthier, less stressed life. Start with your free trial today at headspace.com slash Joey. Again, that's headspace.com slash Joey.

And also, do me one of the favor. Please reference Andy Petticokeh's TED Talk, which is already 5.5 million views. All right. Andy is the founder of Headspace and the voice you hear on the app. You don't need to. put, you know, loads of time in

emigrate to Tibet. Andy did that for you. This guy was a monk for 10 years. He really knows this stuff. 10 minutes is all I'm asking you to find, but it takes a little effort. It starts with you. So, you're having problems. You're not focusing. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Boom. Go to headspace.com slash Joey and get your free trial today. All right, try the app out. It's tremendous. I wouldn't even recommend if I didn't think so. Since we're speaking about focus, excuse me you want to be focused alpha brain

that's it alpha brain you do a cycle alpha brain excuse me see what you're missing with alpha brain okay first off 100% guarantee we don't even want the product back if it doesn't work for you

if it doesn't do it we're telling you it does you don't have to send the product back that's what honor does it gives you the best of what they have whether it's the shroom tech, whether it's the hemp force protein, whether it's a test. Listen, it all starts with you. Go to Onit.com right now. Anit is the web page.

It's a supplement. Everybody's looking to get healthier. Everybody's looking for more focus, more energy. Onet has the answer for you. But it starts with you. Go to onet.com right now. Look at the great list of supplements that they have for you. They have kettlebells and vests and coffee and all that stuff.

I could only help you with the supplements. Go to Onet.com right now and press in. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H, and get 10% off your first order. You're not going to be sorry. So again, go to headspace.com slash Joey or honor.com slash church, boom, and get 10% off and it gets delivered right to your house. Again, I want to thank everybody who tapped in. Thank you for the great month of February.

We'll be back Wednesday with a tremendous guest. We're going to surprise you, motherfuckers. Again, all love to Cleo and all the people have given. the support from Waterboxer, Leon, you know who the fuck you are. You know we love you, Cocksuckers. My man down in Austin with Crystal, my other Crystal that sent a basket,

Bobby Sherman, fucking Uki and my main man talking with the head of security. I love you, cocksucker. Stay black. I'll see you Wednesday. Have a great night. This show was brought to you by Headspace. Go to Headspace.com slash Joey and download the free Headspace app

and begin a take 10 program. And this show is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and use code wordchurch to get 10% off all of the grid optimization products.