The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #359 - Brian Scolaro

Episode Date: March 3, 2016

Brian Scolaro, Comedian and the Host of the "This Is My Podcast" podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.   Recorded live on 03/02/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blue apron.com slash Joey. The show is also brought to you by NatureBox. Head to NatureBox.com slash Joey right now and get the right snacks for 2016. Go to NatureBox.com slash Joey and they're offering 50.

percent off of your first box. That's naturebox.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first box and go to on it.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the rate optimization products like alpha brain and new mood. What's up, Lysayette, you bad motherfucker. Brian Scalaros here. Hey. And we're back, bitches, the church of what's happened now. Wednesday, March 2nd. Can you fucking believe it's already March? No. Where the fuck did it go? March 2nd. And they even gave you an extra fucking day in black history months. and the month still fucking flu. It's March 2nd.

You were just sitting at home in Long Island or Brooklyn and wherever the fuck you go for Florida. Where'd you go this year? I mean, just for work? No, for the holidays. Oh, New York. New York, you went right? You were just there.

It felt like it was fucking three weeks ago. It was three months ago. That's it. March fucking second. And, you know, in what? 13 days your taxes would do. Everybody's walking around right now, sweating. Everyone's depressed and shit.

It's all over. The party's over. What are you going to do? Go down the IRS office, give them a little down payment and make a fucking payment plan. And you know what? They'll carry you for 20 fucking years, those cock suckers. They're the best.

I didn't know that. The IRS is, bro, I thought they were going to throw me in jail. I went down there and they had like named the price. How much can you give us? And six years later, my debt was gone. Wow. Pretty amazing. Sometimes when you look at debt, you go, I'm never going to get out of this.

Yeah. But you put your pedal. I had another loan from my cocaine years that me and my wife paid 636 a month for how long? For 72 months. Oh my God. Did you know that? How happy were you when that was paid off?

The last time you sent that check in? So it was 676, 626, 626, 2 car payments for a while. They were running on fucking high fuel, man, before the baby. Way before the baby. 2009, 2010. And then we started doubling up on the 640. these payments were like,

fuck it, let's just stay home two nights a week. Because you do the math of what you really spend, and you really can't believe it. Nobody really looks at what they spend the month theoretically. You look at rent and car payment and you make some fictitious

fucking grocery bills, but then you look at what you eat out. We never add up the eat outs and the dry cleaners, and it's a fucking, you know, it's like when you go on a trip, Lee's going on a trip this week. I love when he goes on a trip. a trip and he comes back and he goes fuck god damn well i don't do hotel they charge me 1595 for Wi-Fi and i'm like dog they bang you out at every fucking level on a vacation look at how many

people are mad at disney i'm surprised right now fucking they're white people that want isis to hit disney they raise their prices they raise their prices isn't it already like a hundred a day It's the low end is 105. Let me get a tissue, two tissues. It's 118 during the holidays. Now listen, you look at the number 118. Most Americans make $300 fucking dollars a fucking week.

Wow. 118. What if you have a family of four? That's almost 500 before you even do it. Listen, I didn't know there was going to be math. That's a nickel. that's fucking the hotel that's the food because

you know you gotta pay for the kids got to fucking eat you know whatever however the fuck you get down there the American family doesn't have a chance in this country anymore the American family doesn't have a chance that's why these children are whacked everybody you know

you have to put them in a fucking daycare the daycare bangs you out you know the parents there's a there's a Puerto Rican daycare right down the block with me I've been watching them since I'm moved on this in this neighborhood. She's the nicest lady in the world.

She's probably got five kids over there. She's probably got two in strollers and three little kids who hold their hands and she walks them around the neighborhood in the daytime and she takes them to the park. You know how many times I've come home in the comedy store at midnight and they've seen parents

come out of there with two little babies. That means they work to double shift like a Spanish family. Each parents have two jobs, yeah. That's what they have to do. That's what you have. to do and that's the American family today so when do you find time to raise your children right when do you find time fucking two days a week fucking two days a week that's what you find time

now to to raise it's a very it's a sad situation joy it's it's fucking horrible and uh now i feel you're jumping off the terrace but your rights look at baseball season's coming what's the average fucking ballpark ticket don't even know when i was a kid it seemed like i went to a baseball game at will growing up in New York. Yeah. Like all you have to do is look at somebody and go, hey man, who are the Mets playing today? Oh shit, they're playing the Cincinnati Reds. You know what? Let me ask my uncle if he wants to get tickets. The next thing you know, you were at fucking Shea Stadium and it didn't fucking kill you. Nobody complained about prices,

a hat prices or T-shirt prices. It was just something very simple and very American. I think that, look at the Lakers. You lived here, how long have you lived here? Almost, I think just past six years. Six years. Yeah. How about you, Brian Scalarum? I think I'm at 15. I'm at 19.

How many Laker games you go to Brian Scalar? None. How about you there, Tarzan? I've never even been in the stable center. I've been to two Laker games, maybe three in the 20 years I've lived here. Is it because I'm cheap? Is it because you want me to tell the truth? I can't afford it.

I can't justify that. I can't justify paying $160 and sitting all away. up in the fucking top. Yeah. It's 160. $160. Not $63. Not, you know, $74.

You know what? You got two tickets for $74. You know what? You don't go out to eat twice that month. You don't go to a lunch one day. You're fucking, I'll do the $74. I'm looking at my receipts all the time now. I'm like, all right, what did I do today?

It was 15 a Taco Bell. There was six when I got cigarettes. there was 12 for gas. I'm doing all the math. I'm doing all the math. I'm going to going to come out in two days. So I got to know that that's going to come out in two days. That's how bad things have gotten for me.

If that's what we're going to talk about. I haven't been to Disneyland since 2003. I have not been to Disneyland since 1973, guys. You haven't been back? Never went back so far. Now that I have the baby, I have to go, and I'm fucking dreading it. Because it's everything I do not believe in. I think they have something like a fast pass that you just have to get now, apparently.

It's just... And even then, you're not getting to the front of the lines, but you're skipping, like, the four-hour line. When I got my car, my dealer said he went, and he was there for, like, eight hours and went on, like, three rides. And it's just... Wow. And then they have a season pass, which is however, many thousands of dollars, and that still has blackout dates. Which is fucking... I can't believe it.

I'm not cheap. I like having a good time. But I don't like getting fucked in the ass and just if my friends go to Disney Damon goes to Disney when him and his girlfriend were just dating they go to Disney once a week He was getting passes from his mother and shit. He's just a Disney type of dude and he had Dominic He started going down there once a while and then he had the other kid and he's like Joey I'm done 95 fucking dollars and that's a thing like you hear a complaints a lot about like Like, oh, parents are leaving kids with technology, and kids have too much technology.

But what are they supposed to do? For one ticket to the, for like two tickets to the Lakers game, they could buy a PlayStation and give them the NBA, 2K, whatever, and then they could play that. So I think that's what probably a lot of parents are doing. It's just cheaper. I cannot believe how many Nick games I went to growing up. I can't believe how many MEC games I went to. I went to a lot of MEC games growing up.

I can't believe how many fucking Jop. games I went to towards the end. I didn't go to football games young. Young, it was primarily the fucking Mets. Yeah, for me. From 6, 5 to fucking 12, I was at Shea Stadium 15 times a fucking thing.

73, I went to the playoffs, one to Cincinnati Reds. I mean, that type of shit. Like, I went to Met games with my mother. I'm just saying 15. It could have been 30 more than that. My mom went to a lot of Mexico. camps. Were you sitting red or

blue or green or orange? We would sit on the wherever Rusty Stob played on the other side, like five rows up from first base. That was her fucking ticket constantly when she went.

That's nice. That was it. It was opposite Rusty Stop. So Rusty Stob played... He was a pitch hitter, right? No, Rusty Stob played right field. So when she would run back, she hated him. He dropped the ball one time. She lost a thousand bucks. She never forgave him.

So she couldn't deal with Rusty stop. Nick games, from the age of fucking 10 to the age of 25, I went to average, average. I think you're saying average. Five Nick games a season. And that's fucking low because I used to go to St. John games. Right. You know, I would go to a bunch of games. If there was nothing to do, Lee, I'd look at you and go, what do you want to do?

You want to sit in this stupid fucking bar? Or we could get three joints, go into the city, go get a couple mugs of beer, a fucking bar like gentlemen. It's got a hot dog. Let's go to a fucking net game. We're home by 10.30.

Nobody gets their feelings hurt. You smoke two joints, you ate, and you fucking jumped up and down. You go home, or you don't have to stop at the fucking bar. I loved it. I know you guys probably did it earlier than me coming from New York, but the first time I ever went to Family Park,

by myself as like a high schooler, getting to go to this, like, family park and see a game alone without parents was, like, the most, like, I still love Family Park because of that day. There's certain things that take you to your childhood. I used to go to a movie theaters all the time.

Me too. All the time. Just once a week. I go see a movie. Listen, a movie theater for me was like a closet. It was an hour or two of imagination. Because even if the movie sucked, your mind went somewhere.

Yeah, yeah. Your mind went somewhere. As a child, I don't remember many movies that I went home and I was upset with. No, me as a child, no. Like, there was a lot of movies that were a little too hip for me. Right. At the time, like the movie Tommy. Tommy with Elton John and Eric Clapton and Pimball Wizard and Ann Margaret and all this fucking...

But as a child, I went and it was too hip for me. There were just some movies that I didn't really catch. I caught all the black movies. I called all the shafts. I called all the superflies. I caught, you know. And we wanted to see a predator. The movie broke.

And then we came back the next day to see it fixed. We paid twice. We probably could have got free tickets. And I think about it. I'm just starting to say. We would see a movie of twice. We would see the same movie in the same week. That's how.

I would see the same movie three days in a row if I enjoyed it. There was only like $5. It didn't fucking bother me at all. I don't know this. People like, watch one thing, one thing, and I'm done for it. No. I was going to ask to borrow money, so that's why this is awkward. What's that?

I was going to ask you, and that's why this is awkward. Oh, who are you going to borrow money from? I was going to ask you. No, I'm joking, man. Oh, please. It's really really stunned. You just killed me. Are you really stung good?

Yeah, you really, you fucking hurt me. Good, good. That's what this ash was for. You should have seen Lee sweating profusciously. Oh, my God, from my head everywhere. People don't do this no one. People don't do this no more, smoke ash. And you know why?

Because it's all fake cash. Remember a couple times we tried it and the hash crumbled? This is real. When he gave it to me, goes, this is the type of hash you're going to fucking love. What does it mean when it crumbles? It crumbles is not real. It doesn't have that fucking. It's the exact type of soup with cheese.

Right, the exact with cheese. This is fucking, when it's solid and it sticks on that thing, that's real hashish, brother. Yeah, there's a problem. This was, we used to do this in the villa shed when we were 15 in the wintertime. And we go through an hour of this with a big fucking glass. You got to do this with a big glass. That's what it really puts. in a different fucking planet.

Because hash and marijuana, two completely different things. If I was to come in here for three nights in a row, Lee, with just hash, and we'd do this, you'd call me after three days ago. It's been weird lately. It's been a little fucking weird.

I'm hearing sirens and shit. Hash takes you the different fucking places. One thing, you sleep a lot better. That's going to be fun tonight. And the other thing is the high levels of concentrated, the THC, it really loosens your muscles. It takes all the acidity out of your muscle.

That's why Bruce Lee ate a lot of ash. I'm not kidding, you motherfuckers. This is what they don't tell you. It's like... Yeah, nobody told me that. It's like eating lettuce, they say. Doesn't let us take the acidity out of your muscle? Same thing with THC.

Interesting. Relieves a little soreness. I'm always fucking sore. The THC don't even work for me. Right, right. Here's what I was worried about doing that. As I was coming down there, going to the glass, I was like,

is there something about science that I don't remember where if there's smoking a glass, the glass could explode. So as I was coming in, I was like, this is going to blind me. I was like, this is worth. But that's what that was the, with the padagy-thorne thought that I had, but that was pre-hash. Have you ever had a fire blow up on you?

And that's fucking, it's scary. A fire? Yeah. What you mean? Like, a campfire? Yeah, I had a fireplace blow up on me. Wow. And I had the gas on too high, and I just went, and I was worried.

It was the same weekend that I got my, like, the second stye. So I was worried that I was going to have no eyebrows, but only burnt a little bit of it off. What did this happen? recently. Yeah, I'm black bear. That's crazy. So the fireplace blew up on you? Yeah. You didn't know what you were doing. No, I didn't know what I was doing. And there was no, there's no, uh, what is it? Instructions. And I literally turned it on like two, like half in it.

I must have done like one full rotation or something. And I just lit it and I could just see it coming. And I was just sure that my whole face was burned off. I was a little bit high. And I was like, my face is gone. I can't do the podcast anymore. Joey's getting kill me. Like, I was sure that it was just gone, but it wasn't. But, um, how, like, you weren't chubby as a kid, though, Joey, but, like, were you chubby, Ryan? Because I was chubby, and I love movie theaters. Like, just go when I spent all day there. That was my thing.

I was really funny, guys. I was always skinny until the age of 11 or 12. And that 12, I gained just chubby weight. But then once I hit 14. It just flew off. It was like the big thing before the evolution. Like I gained a bunch of weight and then it all fell off. I stretched seven or eight inches and it all fell off.

That was the guy to start of whack it off. And that was the end of that. Right. But that was the only point. And then I started getting heavier over the years and I would just go on diets and lift weights and I'd lose the weight real fucking fast. I was able to do that twice. and at this point I'm like, well, fat, let's stay for a while.

You know what I mean? Everybody's like, don't you want to lose weight again? I'm like, ah, fat's just here down. When did you do the first diet? It wasn't even a diet. I just exercised a lot in the late 90s. There was a period where I lost 40 pounds and then there was a period where I lost 50.

And but there was fat. So it was it was growing fat. And it was weight loss. And then it was growing fat. And then there was weight loss. Like before two of the TV shows, and then now I'm like, well, I'm fat again, and I just got to do this and do this. And then my body's like, no, you don't really want to do that.

I'm just giving up. Fat's here now. Joey, this is fat. Fat Joey. Fucking Real Stone did. That's okay. I'm not mad at you. I've never gotten mad at anybody for getting two stones.

That's just the way of life. That's it. People get insulted. He came home in my house. He was giggling uncontrollably. Then you should have put a gun. Then you should put on cartoons and give them chips. I love getting two stones.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with having a T-H-C accident. I fucking love it. I love getting up in the middle of night. I love getting up at like 4.30. Putting coffee on. Yeah. And just getting a bowl and start hitting that motherfucker. And my 10 out of five, you're like, I'm a predicament.

I got two options here. I can either make the rest of the day fucked up to the gills and just ruin my day. Or I can take a power in that price. One of these THC eyes. I'm still going to wake up fucked up. Yeah, you're still going to be high. But that's what happened.

Did it happen last night? No. One night last week I got up in the middle night and got sizzled stoned. Sizzled. And I fucking passed out for four or five more fucking hours to 8 o'clock. I couldn't believe it. I love it. I love when I just fucking pass out.

Because there's some nights... Once I go on the road is where my sleep pattern gets fucked up. And listen... That's true. You could eat bad, you could smoke cigarettes. You don't go to the gym. Check, check. Check.

Fuck with your sleep. Fuck with your sleep. Yeah. Sleeping is, if you're gaining unexpected amounts of weight, check your fucking sleep. Check you really sit down and go, what time did I go to bed the night? My biggest weight gain moments when I was not sleeping.

When I first discovered the sleep apnea, then I still, you know, I had always done blow. I can't. blame it on the blow. I had always done blow. Once I had the sleep apnea after the blow, my insomnia went to a different level. And the weight gains were 40 pound

weight gains of a shot. They weren't even four pounds here, five pounds there. They were buying jeans in March and in April you're two inches from closing it. That's abnormal. That's abnormal. You know, your pants could be a little tired or whatever.

But you buy jeans, they fit you in March. And an April, you're two inches away from that deed date. Nothing you could do. Pins, fucking elastic. I mean, it was fucking crazy. I did everything. I used to have to buckle my jeans when, like, they weren't, like, they were just around my legs and then pull them up. Because I refused to get bigger jeans.

I was like, there's no way I'm buying bigger jeans than this. So I would just do it. And, like, I would be in pain the whole day because, like, the buttons would be, like, getting into my skin. It's terrible. Right. I don't think anybody's going to argue you guys here, man. There was a time I just wore sweatpants.

In 2001, after the best damn sport show, when I was like 370, there was a company called Big Daddy Clothing, and they used to come to the comedy store. They were friends with Steve Simone. The guys were from Philadelphia. And if you were big, he would send you boxes of clothing.

And at that point, I go, fuck buying clothes anymore. I'm just going to snort coke and keep getting clothes from Big Daddy clothing. And he sent you the clothing on one condition that you put it into movies, the television integrated it. So I could wear my show to the best damn sports show. So he would send me boxes. Lee, I think I just threw away the last pair of Big Daddy sweats maybe four years ago. How comfortable were they? Oh, my God.

The shirts, they used to make basketball shirts for fat guys. A little bigger around here. I think there's a video on YouTube with me of one of those Big Daddy basketball shirts. I love that. I threw that shirt away and it was fine. I just got rid of it because I loved it too much. It was just, when I lost 100 pounds, it was swimming.

That was the shirt I wore at 418, 415. And now I'm trying to wear it at 300. I was swimming in this fucking thing. It was like a 6x basketball jersey. That was cut, just perfect for me. I loved it. Well, what are you going to do? You lose the weight.

You can't hang on either way. That's great. It's fucked up. It's fucked up when you... I wear pajama bottoms now, dude. You what? I'll wear pajama bottoms to the store. Okay.

It bothers me that, like, girls and, like, kids can wear pajamas of stores, and I can't. I'll just go. I figure it was a fat guy that they're not looking at me anyway. And I'll just shop on pajama bottoms. And I know people can know it's just a plant type. They're obviously pajama bottoms. But it's not. I feel like this is the only place

where it's not completely horribly disgusting. Where do you live? I live in Hollywood. Okay, so what store do you go shop? I mean, I'm just going to rock and roll. Oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen you're rock and roll. Yeah, yeah, rock and roll rots. That's right.

That's why you're going to rock and roll raps. That's a good fucking rouse down there. You could walk in there with a grenade strapped on your body and that rouse and they don't bother you. They don't give a fuck. I remember going in that motherfucker. I shop it all the time. Oh, my God.

I used to go in that 10 to 2 to buy booze. to get coke you ever go in that 10 to fucking two when they're about to close routes when people there's one way they're open when people when you buy booze or rouse that means they fucking chase you from the nearest liquor store if you know that ralps there's a liquor store yeah 40 yards away from there by the wendies right the wendies no and the other way there's one both the both directions rock and roll rites right across the street and right the other fucking way no no no you got it right there

Oh my God. I used to do some creepy shit in that neighborhood. I don't know. Why do they, explain to people why they call it Rockmont Ralphs. It's like an interesting store. It's the Rouse on Sunset Boulevard, and it's across the street from the desert hotel. And the guitar center. If they had a, well, it's close to the guitar center, but it's across the street from the Sunset Desert Hotel.

I guarantee more blowjobs I've been given in that hotel. I went to a couple of little cocaine fucking parties in that place in the heyday. It was tremendous dirty. You smelled like feet and pussy in the room and clone. Just fucking dirty. But rock and roll rouse is a rouse open 24 hours, and it's in the heart of fucking Hollywood.

And it's not as bad as like when you rock and roll. It's not as bad as people think. It's clean. I like it. The butcher department is immaculate. I knew everybody in there. Produces is good there. produce is good there.

I mean, that was a great fucking rouse. And across the street, it's just a fucked-up neighborhood. And right before I met Terry, like 98, there was a dude who used to do headshots for us. So what you would do in the old days was you'd go to La Brea and Sunset. And behind the Chinese restaurant. Oh, the one next to El Pollo Loco. Yes, what's the name of that restaurant? The Chinese restaurant, I call it.

Right. but they got something, not bad. When you first arrive here from L.A. or whatever, it's not bad until one day you just get sick of going there. But behind that place was where you developed your headshots. And then you walked down, you hit rock and roll rouse, and across the street, they opened up a headshot place. So you went in there and brought your headshot. The guy made 100 headshots for 69.95. In these years, there was a war going on on sunset.

War. There was 20 of those places. There was also J.J. Beepers. Who went to J.J.Beepers and shit. The King of Beepers, J.J., the King of Beepers. And you went in there, he got your beeper for $6. I was with J.J. Beepers for 20 years. Then something happened.

Oh. Cell phones? No. I'm going to tell you what happened to King, King J. and J. Bepers. He was Heidi Flyce's partner. Really? Yeah. And after Heidi Flyce got arrested, he fled the country,

and J. and J. and J. Bepers fucking closed down. That was the end of J. J. J. Bepers. Interesting. Jay and Jay fucking beepers. And if you kept walking down, there was a little print shop in there.

And if you went in there, there was this wild-looking white dude. I mean, when you walked in and you saw him, you noticed like, this motherfucker is wild. Good-looking dude. Not, you know, like he had a nice body when he was younger. At this point, he was like 50,

and he had his hair combed back, and he had an earring, and you'd go in there, and he was always dynamite to you. But he had a great daughter. and he had a great collie that you play with but the best thing at the store was his fucking lawyer she was Chinese but she was like fucking banging fake tits the whole thing you know just beautiful face right New York City raised you know I

used to have conversations with the both of nice fucking people and then he died like old holidays when he died they closed I went in there like January they were closed I went in there she was fucking crying and shit. She was all upset. One night, like a month after I got all coked up, and I actually walked in there 10 to morning. I was going to see if I could get in to suck my dick.

That's how crazy I am. I was so embarrassed and then I went back. I asked her, you look good today. When was the last time you got a stab and I was fucking fishing? I was so fucking embarrassed and never walked back in there. Did that line ever work? You're scared of no fish? I don't fucking no league.

I hope it did. It was 10.30 in the morning. I did like two-eight balls by myself. I jerked off 18 times. I was looking for anybody to suck my dick or give me a hand job or anything. How fucking embarrassing am I? Listen, that is...

I lived in some crazy fucking neighbors. I was telling Lee that they killed the hooker. Outside that building where Ralphie Mae and Jody Furting used to live. Oh, please. They found the hooker out there. That's an interesting neighborhood. That toy is there, so that's there until two in the morning.

Oh, yeah, that place. People eat that fucking Thai food, and they start kickboxing themselves out there and kicking themselves in the head. Up the block is Cheebo. But I go back to when there was nothing there, except black hookers would be on those fucking corners. And let me tell you something. You know that 7-Eleven by Curzon?

Yeah, when you stop at a lot? Okay, let's pretend in those days. Let's pretend in those days. Okay. You were driving, and you said, wow, Brian, you're thirsty, And you go, yeah, Joey, let's stop to sell 11. And you put your blink on the middle left. Within three minutes, you'd have 10 cars on you, 10 cops on you.

And they'd fucking pull you over and ask you if you were there for prostitution. They threatened to take your car. So if you look at the signs on sunset, you're not allowed to make lefts after fucking 10 o'clock. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? You can't take left on sunset? After 10 of 30 or something. There's another street like that.

Yes. Yeah. Don't. Who the fuck you think you did? At least I had, I'm telling you. Don't fuck around on sunset. There was a block on sunset that they would wait for you to make a left-on. And years later, I saw them.

I saw how they'd do it. They'd sit by the art gallery. There's an art gallery right there by motherfucking coaching horses. And they would just wait for you to make the left. They'd be sitting back. They'd have like four cars, like cabs. You know how cabs line up like that? Ready to shoot right after you.

Motherfuckers. Motherfuckers. Jesus Christ. I know. That's on another street as well. So I don't think it's just sunset unless there's other streets are like. Well, there's the one by Curzon, then there's the one by Bank of America. There's a couple streets on Sunset that you've got to read the fine print. You make a left turn.

There's a coper on. You get pulled over. They'll pull you over on the Friday inside. They'll pull you over after 10.30 just for spite. Right. Just to see if you're carrying a machine gun and three fucking ISIS and a kilo, they don't fucking know. I always feel bad when I see someone getting pulled over. I just think that whole day is ruined.

It is ruined. It's a big shock to you, man. It's a horrible shock to you when you get pulled over. It's a horrible shock when you get an accident for people. Even a tap. You know, even a tap on the 101. You know what embarrassing? You're sitting there in the third lane.

You can't turn your hair on. It's August. People are driving around you, giving you the finger, beeping out, you're calling your fucking cock sucker. Because that's what I do the people. If you're in the third lane broken, I'm going to fucking beep around you and call you a dirty, Fuck.

You have to, but what is it like? I also always feel bad when I see, like, cops with people with the handcuffs on, like, getting padded up and waiting. What is that, like, getting, putting handcuffs up in public? Well, this is what happens. You're driving, you minding your own business. Okay. It's a beautiful day to be fucking alive. And all of a sudden, you get pulled out by a cop.

You don't even see. You're driving 39 and the 35. Oh, you're doing 34. But it's school zone between two and three. You're not supposed to do over 20. That's the one I got nailed in. I was doing 34. But you're only supposed to do 20 from 3 to 5 during the school.

I didn't know that. They pulled me over, and guess what? I had gotten a ticket a few weeks early and didn't pay it. That's what happens. They fucking pull your car over. They tow it. And they put you in a fucking cop car, and they take you to the cop thing. Did this just happen?

No, no, no. This is... Can you guys give me a rat home? You're fine. This is 20-something fucking years ago. Oh, good. This is when I first moved to Boulder in 87. Okay?

I'm sorry, people. In 1987, when I first moved to Boulder, I got the Boulder in November of 86. And in January of 87, I was driving down ISIS or whatever the fuck that road. Iris, I was driving down Irish in North Boulder and I was doing 34

and a 20 and I got a ticket and the guy gave me the ticket and I threw it in the back fucking seat and didn't pay it and forgot all about it now let's fast forward to March 17th St. Paddy's Day 1987 which is probably two months after this I got weed on me

I go to pick up weed and I take a car out and it has from the dealership and it has sale on the windshield. You can't drive with something detracting your fucking glass. Didn't you know that when you took it out? What the fuck do I know?

You're in a dealer plate. You know, it's three in the afternoon. What cop are you going to get a bag of weed? Who's following you? Who's going to pull you over? I don't know. Well, I found that the hard way. I got pulled over.

And the cop goes, guess what? You've got a warrant out for your arrest. What happens? What happens? He goes, I got to arrest. You take you down to the station. You got to go in front of a judge. Bub, blah, blah, blah.

God damn it. Again, he takes me, toes the car. Great cop. I had nothing. No problem with him. The whole time, I got weed in my sock. I get to the fucking station. He takes my fucking shoes off.

He makes me take my sock off, and the weed falls on the floor. So the bitch. He picks up the bag. He smells it. He looks at me. He looks at me. He looks at me. And he walks out in an hour.

later, I get charged for the warrant, I get out the ticket and no mention of the marijuana. That's lucky. That was my first That was my second contact with Boulder police. So this whole time

while I'm in contact with this cop, I'm thinking to myself they have a warrant on me for credit card for it. Because the first time I had gone to Bold in 85, that's why I left. I left bold in August of 85. I returned in November of 86. And there was no warrant.

They were just looking for me to question me. When I got pulled over the first time for the ticket, and he took my license, I'm like, I'm going to jail for that fucking credit card, sham. They didn't have it on file. But it's so crazy how life goes to repeat itself. The cop that was investigating me for the credit card fraud, disappeared.

Like, when I was getting the tickets and shit, I'm like, this motherfucker's going to walk past me that uniform. The whole two times I was in, or the one time I was in jail, he didn't walk past me. Nobody walked past me. I didn't see any cops. They're in a different fucking height.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. But when I got arrested for the kidnapping, he was the detective on the case now. So that's how I know about karma. He didn't get me with the credit cards, but now he was trying to get me for the, he was one of the, investigating fucking detectives on the kidnapping.

And the beauty was that I would sit next to him in court. And he'd look at me and I'd eyeball him. He hated me. But he never figured out why he really hated me. He was because of the fucking credit card. He just couldn't remember it. I would sit there and go, when is this guy going to figure out? He was looking for me two years later for something completely fucking different.

Do you think he's saying at home? Do you think he ever figured it out? He must have one day. He didn't figure it out. He was too fucking stupid. It's a crazy story, man. It's awesome. Look at the shape of you.

I know what I was saying, but I was really along the steps of the story. Then when he got to the end, I was like, that's really great. The guy didn't know was you. It's a great scene in the movie or something. It's not that he didn't know it was me. He didn't need to know with me. He was beating me. He got me for this kidnapping case instead of a fucking stupid credit card thing.

That would have got nothing. He had me. Yeah. I was just waiting for him to go, oh, shit. I got to go get a file. You're the same motherfucker away. Let's tag on this fucking What I'm saying.

Let's tag this fucking beat. Beat the credit card to the kidnap. He never figured it out. But what I was wondering. It's a great story. Yeah. What does it feel like in public with handcuffs on? If like your friend to drive by or like there's people, like just driving.

Like you're saying for an accident, people slow down. And I see people slow down and there's people in. handcuffs. You have no idea. You have no idea. No. You have no idea. You have no idea. First time I got arrested was January 29th in 1980-fucking-3. I got arrested for possession of stolen tools. And Roger Holloway's father, Timmy, who listens to the show still, his father bailed me out. So when I got arrested, they take you to court to make bail. That's what that's called. You're in a court and you're going in front of a fucking judge, and the judge goes, how do you plead, you say not guilty,

and boom, bail is set at $500, Mr. Holloway bailed me out. I still remember, you know, walking out there with those handcuffs on. The feeling, it's this, it's not a good feeling. I'll tell you that much. It's not an embarrassment feeling.

It's like you're subhuman. When they put handcuffs on you, it's part of the apes, man. It's to let you know you're a fucking animal. Forget when they put shackles on your feet and you're tied to eight other guys going into court. You're a fucking animal. That's a great bit, man.

I know, but it's like he shouldn't make it a bit. It's a, what do you call that shit? It's like mentally beating you. It's like letting you know. When you have handcuffs on, I'll tell you what it was like to me. It's like letting me know I was really. Let me know I was really. really different.

Yes, I'm saying. It's got to feel like I was really different. Like, okay, now this is real. I'm one of them. But having handcuffs on with a cop and talking to him and him taking you through the station and getting fingerprinted, that's one thing. Walking out in a room in front of your closest friends when you get arrested for burglary like I did or stupid shit possession.

and you know what, man, it's cool for fucking three seconds. And then it's not cool. Like your friends overlook it. Like your friends are go, ah, you know, let's go for a drink and blah, blah, blah. But I wish they didn't at that age. I really wish they didn't.

It's not like fucking good fellas. Like they're waiting for you outside. He just broke his cherry. That's fucking horrible. That's fucking horrible, you know? every time I got into one of those situations, whether it was in Boulder or Denver or fucking Seattle or, you know, I always felt fucking horrible.

You know, just horrible. When I got arrested for the kidnapping, going out in front of my girlfriend's dad at the time and handcuffs with an orange fucking suit on it. And then looking at you with this look of nobody's mad, they feel for you. They feel for you. They're like, Jesus, what is he going through?

Is he eating? Is he getting beat up? Is he getting fucked in the ass? I mean, what the fuck is going on? All these things. My God, I can't describe the feeling when I went to court and they were like six years

department of corrections. Take them into the back. In front of your fucking, and listen, let me tell you something. At that time, I was in front of my girlfriend. her mom, her dad, her sister, her brother.

These people were Gentiles. This is not a world where they had even ever touched themselves. So this is like a family tragedies for this white, poor family. You know. Were you trying the whole time to pretend you were like them?

And like, was this your worst nightmare for them to see this? Pretending you. It wasn't my worst fucking nightmarely. but I wouldn't want you to see me in handcuffs. It would break my fucking heart for you to see me in handcuffs. I wouldn't like it from a stranger. I would like it from a stranger.

Oh my God, for you to come and visit me? First off, if you came and visit me the first time, on the drive home, you're going to call up Paul and go. I'm not even going to pick you up tonight. I got to go figure something out because my friends in jail. You wouldn't, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, You couldn't, that's why I don't like that shit.

I didn't like that shit when I was younger, how it weighs on your friends. All those calls and all that, listen, 95, I got in trouble in Seattle. And for a month, I tormented Josh Wool. The reason why I love Josh Wolfe with all my heart, and I treat his kid like a fucking nephew, is because of what he did for me in 95. And he never judged. He never judged. that takes a different fucking animal.

This is something that happened and we're going to move forward. You know, last week we had Mike Dowd here from the 7-5 and, you know, when you get arrested and you get let out the treatment you get, you know, along the way. You know, it never changes. You know, people always say

everybody hits you with that bullshit line. You know, you're innocent until you're convicted. Innocent until proven building. But let's stop. All three of us have convicted people in the court of moral judgment, our own moral judgment. All three of us. And half the people are listening to this fucking show. We've all convicted people in our heads, just, you know, in whatever it's called.

Moral Court. You've got to be honest with yourself. That's the scariest thing about jury. Like having a jury trial. Like, just you have all these people who have all these preconceived notions. There's no way you can't. It's all that shit, you have no fucking idea. bothered me more than when I got sentenced for the kidnapping.

Three of my friends came out to, like from Jersey, Duffy, Tommy Rousseau and some other kid. And then Georgie got a plane ticket from the state because he was a witness in the trial. He was a witness for the sentencing. So, you know, like it bothered me that I got arrested in front of my in-laws and here I was getting a sentence. But it really bothered me that I got sentenced. in front of my three buddies from Jersey. Like my three Hudson, North Bergen buddies, like it killed me.

Like, I couldn't even look back at them. Why'd they even come? Because they're old school. This was three guys that that I never expected would come to support me. And they showed up. They called the night before, so we got an ounce of Coke. We got some money. We're coming

all with a fucking party, and then we're going to court with you in the morning. And we pretty much stayed up until five. We got two hours of sleep. and we went to the fucking court. And they came. Now, what do you want me to tell them, wait? Don't fucking come.

Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know. This is it. When you go to fucking court, when you go to court to get sentenced, you reach out to everybody, anybody you've ever had contact with. And you go, listen, man,

here's the deal. I'm getting sentenced. April A's, I need you there. It's at 9 in the morning. I can't miss work. Listen, I'll give you the 90. I'll send it to you. A nickel a month from fucking prison.

But I need you there because the judge looks at that. The sentencing judge looks at that. You show up with 60 people in 300 letters. That judge has aspirations of political. Every judge has aspirations at political aspirations. So when a judge looks at the people who show up for you, he looks at them as votes. And each person is worth 250 votes.

When you die, at least I had knock on wood or me. or fucking whatever when your family goes to the funeral they'll make 250 mask cards because they assume that over your life you've met 250 people co-workers you know what ex-girlfriends

people you get comitia to you know whatever the fuck yeah so that's the same way a judge looks at a defendant interesting I don't think I've ever heard that angle before that's why you have to have people send character letters judges read three of the letters

and then they get it. If there's 100 letters, they read four of them and go, I get it. Each of these letters is 250 fucking people. So he has to make a decision and justify it in court

in front of them. So they go, we understand. So if you got six years and they give you four, this is what these letters do. When they say consideration, these all things are into consideration into a sentencing.

It's really interesting how it works. Last week, Lee and I were talking on the phone about the OJ thing. There was an episode, the one last week, the people against OJ. You're watching it? Yeah, it's great. It's fucking great. The second episode is all that. Oh, it's tremendous.

I watched the second episode maybe nine times. I just watched the last night. It was crazy. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah. And we called each other. His girlfriend is studying at USC to be a lawyer, and she's taking a bar pretty soon. And that's probably the only thing we have in common.

and our love for fucking law. Like, I love all those shows. Right. Like, I love all that type of, you know. Yeah, there's... How they pick the jewelry, you know, that whole... It's a scam. And looking at it now, you understand that money

will get you out of any mess because they showed up with the fucking Yankees. That's all they did. O.J. Simpson showed up with the fucking Yankees. And I'm talking about, what's the best Yankee year? I don't know. Name it. They showed up with them. Three pitches, 20 game winners, you know.

Four dudes batting 300. It was one of those years. They couldn't even deal with him. They didn't have the state of California. They didn't even have the manpower to fucking deal with the city of Los Angeles. It was too overwhelming. You were dealing with five geniuses. Well, Kardashian was a moron.

The dude Travolta's playing is a fucking moron. Barry Sheck is a fucking DNA genius. Effley Bailey is a fucking criminal genius. And the black dudes are fucking genius. And the black dudes are fucking genius. genius and the two black assistants they're savages you know effie bailey used to be

Sammy the Bull's attorney Sammy the Bull used to his deal with Sammy the Bull was like fucking Armani suits or something like that when I was a kid my mom had an attorney that that was what he wanted suits because he wouldn't buy him it's a ride off I don't fucking know I don't fucking don't ask me

but no that if you like law and how law is a setup it's a setup it's a genius set up. It's three guys getting together and going, how we're going to fucking raise the doubt. That's the beautiful thing about law. You have to just, what's it called? Raised it?

Reasonable doubt. Reasonable fucking doubt. And that's it. And getting to logically American fucking jury and getting to six of them or seven of them, you fucking got them beat. How they picked the black jewel is. I can't wait until that shows on every fucking Tuesday. I mean, I cannot wait. I still have to watch last night. I wake

up in the fucking morning with my dick hard on Tuesday mornings, knowing, that at 7 o'clock I got something and I watch it at 7 with the kid while she's yelling and screaming over it then I watch it again and then when I get back from the comedy store I watch it again that night so I'll watch it three times

It's pretty fucking good man It's that good especially if you're a love buff man Listen I watch those law and orders Even as a kid I liked anything that taught me something You know like I learned a lesson I don't want to see two white guys beating up on black guys

And put them in the cop car There's no fucking There's no education in that shit. But to see, like, to learn something. And then, over the years, I became a criminal. So I learned the other fucking angle of it. I got an itchy fucking ear. Whenever I forget the Q-tip my ear after I take a shower.

I don't have mildew in my ear. It's not mildew. It's like an itch. Whatever the fuck. Who gives a fuck? I just watched the second episode last night. And that's the episode where OJ's, like, in the Bronco chest. I never knew anything about that.

It was fast. escorting them at a certain point? How crazy is that? I'm at a bar in Boulder, Colorado, waiting for two grams of blow, watching the Houston Rockets. That was the year. I was working at the Chinese restaurant in Boulder and the fucking waiters. I was delivering Chinese food and selling Coke out of the back bathroom. Interesting.

At this little Chinese restaurant. This is during the Bronco Chess. This is during 95 when the Bronco Chase swam. Yeah. And I'm at the, what the fuck am I? I'm at the place waiting for a bar. a gram of Coke. Okay.

Something was going on. We had a pool table place, maybe down the corner from that. And in daylight, it was still daylight. And all of a sudden, the Bronco Chase started and bolder. Lee, this went on, you know, this captivated America. Did they really cut from an NBA finals game? Yeah, all that's, well, yeah. Then they split screen.

Yeah. They put it in the corner. Yeah, it was big shit. I remember where I was in a basement with a bunch of friends. We were all like, what the fuck? Because we all had heard on the ride over that there was a warrant out for him, and then he was missing. And then all of a sudden, you see him on the fucking lose. It was crazy.

Watch the whole thing. And I remember one of Howard Stern's fans that got through, they were like, oh, somebody that knows O.J. He's on the phone right now. And then he just goes, Baba Booie. And then they go, they don't understand. They're like, what's her, Baba Booie? Then they just hung up. But it's amazing.

they got on the TV Bronco chase in New York one of his fans that's the best that's the best one I think I think it was about a movie People couldn't believe it was even going on me like it was even OJ

You couldn't fucking believe It's a grisly fucking murder dog Also there was a naked gun movies We're still going He chopped those motherfuckers up That's the Hey listen God you know

God forbidding I mean anybody shot somebody chopped those put the people up. It didn't look pretty good. But then when they put you back in the time frame, they go, the reason you pretty much got off because this was the climate of the city at the time with

the riots a few years before. And nobody knew the climate of the city. Everybody's in Minneapolis, in New Jersey, or Connecticut laying fucking judgment, but I didn't know the climate of the city. I didn't put it together. And it was right in front of you. I still remember being in a Chinese restaurant

and seeing a guy getting hit in the head with the brick and fucking down. Yeah, I remember being a fucking That restaurant Where I used to do comedy Where he used to shake down the fucking owner Run, little Ron Where he used to shake him down

Tell him I had to send you all for you Give me $300 and he'll be here next week to perform I was going on my grandfather's funeral And that was getting dressed on the floor And that was on playing on TV It was fucking riots You know crazy? I do not remember Kennedy getting shot

I wasn't even in this country But I do remember his brother getting shot in fucking hit. Robert Kennedy by Seahearn Seahehan. I remember seeing that 22 times. What year was that leaving? Robert Kennedy got shot in a fucking mullet. It was like 87 and that was

Joe fucking. I'm chugging around, man. I'm starting to sober up. It had to be 68, 69. If it was anything earlier in that, I'm a fucking badass motherfucker. I still remember being a child. A kid, like, knowing a little bit of English and

you know, trying to put the rest of together. I just come from Cuba. I didn't really know. Interesting. And then, 68. I was five, yeah. June 5th.

Yeah. Crazy time. What's the worst thing you've seen in your generationally as a 27 year old? I would have to probably say 9-11. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was in middle school, so I was, like, old enough to really understand it. What did they tell you in middle school that was going?

whatnot like a time. I think they just told us everything. I remember, I think I remember hearing about it in the cafeteria, if I'm not mistaken. And we just were like, I don't know, I don't even, because we couldn't see it. Like, we didn't have TVs in our school, I don't think. So we didn't really understand it, but then I remember

like all the news going home. I would say that's probably the worst. It might have been a crazy time to be a teacher to have to, the kids not know what's going on. to explain to the kids or not explain to the kids. I think I heard it from a friend to be honest. I don't even think of a teacher made an announcement. Let's say they don't tell the kids.

The teachers got to sit there knowing this is happening because she's sort of gloops of it in the green in the teachers lounge. Right. Now she's got to take care of kids while the whole time she's wondering is my mom working in the city? You know what I mean? It must have been fucking man. You've got to keep kids' attention for fucking hours

until that they tell you what they're supposed to do. You got parents call on And you gotta keep the kids occupied them And not explain to them That fucking World War III has started You know It's obviously not as bad as 9-11 But my senior year of high school

A student stabbed another student And like killed him in the bathroom Jesus Yeah it was crazy I was uh I was seen Did you go to school And the whitest of the white

nicest school And why he stabbed the kid He had apparently had Asperger and had some issues. So, is he still in jail for that? Yeah, oh, yeah. He's in prison or in a special lockup place? He's probably in the special lockup place,

but I think he got, like, first degree. Do you write him letters? No. Did you know him? No, I had seen him around, but he was younger than I was. Okay. I thought he was one of your little gumbas that you ran when. I got to start watching.

He ran knives and shit. It was just weird. We all got put into the cafeteria, and I felt bad for a while, because at first I was just happy because I was missing a test and I didn't know that somebody got stabbed but they just said hey everyone going here so I was like

I'm missing a test yes you know people always tell you I remember where I was when this happened whenever I fucking like I still remember when the attack of 94 or 95 on the take care and that

oh geez you know did ever go see it the memorial no where is it Oklahoma City Oklahoma City I was playing oh yeah Timothy McVey Yeah.

Timothy R. I was living in Boulder. I was doing comedy. I was at fucking war with my fucking ex-wife. I was just, oh, my God. I was another person, man. They had this whole, uh, it's like they have all these little chairs. There's like a reflecting pond.

And it has on the one arch the time, the second that the minute it before it happened. And then on the, there's another arch on the other side of the pot, as the minute it ended, like, you know, it's like a fucking exploded. So it's like 301, 303, so the reflecting upon, it's like the explosion of 302 or whatever, you know, whatever the time was. Then they have all these chairs for the people who died. And they're all on rows, so like as you go up, so they all represent the floors of the building. And on daycare, there's all these little tiny chairs.

For the kids that blew up. It's fucking really fucking beautiful and tragic. fucking the what's it called the display they have? The memorial. Thank you. Display like a fucking baby Jesus and the three riseman

Christmas. Anyway, that's my story. It was great being here. What other national tragedies can we bring up? I was in a basement in Boulder and I had bought this Coke.

I love how all your story is where you were at the time. Oh my God. Like the man on the moon? I was buying Coke. Horrible. I bought this Coke. I bought a batch of this blow. I got it in a good.

deal from some Mexican in the fucking trailer park like the business with. And I took half of it home and it was fucking delicious. And I took the other batch and I went on the bender with some fucking chick. I took the other batch of it and I cut it heavy. But I cut it a little too heavy and I had to take the little batch that I had left and put it back into that just to make it sellable. Right. And I was in my basement watching fucking TV and that went down.

So I started, I said, what am I going to do? I'm gonna do. Nobody's doing nothing. Everybody's watching this. I might as well do a couple bumps. And I started snorting this shit and I wanted a fucking two-day bender with that shit and fat tire and gallons of water. That's all I was doing. This is my 9-11? This is no, no, no. This is the Oklahoma City. And all of a sudden, I tasted blood. Whatever I had cut that Coke with, like, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking at that time. I cut it with a vitamin or something. it had eaten away the front of my nose

I couldn't leave the house for three days after the Oklahoma Obama I had to put fucking cream I had to cancel a meeting I never forget that I'd cancel a meeting because the cut

burnt holes right here in this fucking thing here Oh my gosh I'm surprised I don't have fucking scars there How embarrassing is that story I've never told that fucking

piece of shit story before That's crazy That's what you think about When you think about different People always go What were you doing When this happened I tell you what the fuck I was doing

But it is funny that all your stories about when tragedy is happening. Like, oh, I remember, like, you know, you're like, yeah, I remember I was buying some coke. Like, what about the riots? Yeah, I was buying some coke. No, the riots, what the fuck was I doing? I was in a Chinese restaurant on a date. And we were at the bar and there was a TV on. And that's what they were showing on TV.

And I'm like, that's Los Angeles. And I was telling her how much I fucking hated that land that I would never live here. That it was fucking terrible. I'd come here as a kid, and I had an uncle here who I wanted to kill and blah, blah, blah. Could you even imagine, like, being here for the riots and just, like, everything could be on fire? Like, thank God we were in Baltimore this last year.

Like, how can you live with that stuff going on outside? I don't know. Did anybody die in the riots of Baltimore? Well, they're still scary as fuck. I wouldn't want to be fucking there. The riots in L.A.? In Baltimore, L.A. anywhere, I don't want to be in life.

Listen, you don't want to be in that stuff. And it's a shame when it happens in those cities. It's a fucking shame. It takes years to heal those wounds. It takes fucking years. You know, if you watch, spoiler alert. If you watch fucking whatever,

the OJ thing, it opens up with him getting pulled over in 1982. And him going, hey, man, this is the third time I got pulled over this week. He gets pulled out of his car, and he has to get the guy of a license, And the cop goes, oh, I'm sorry, district attorney. You know, that's what was going on in this fucking town.

It still goes on. But you know what? It goes on a lot of cities in America. Not just fucking here. You know, some kid. Who wants the cop smacking the kid in the school in Baltimore? The black cop smacking that black kid 15 times in the fucking face like a man. You know, listen, guys, it goes on both fucking ways.

Who knows white people know? You know, who knows why that chicken jersey looks? to get on fire yesterday in the middle of street. Jesus Christ. Who the fuck knows? I don't know. What the fuck do you drink? What the fuck? Is it those smoking powders? I mean, we smoked hash out of a fucking glass. All I want to do is listen to the

Sabbath and talk shit with you fucking savage. Right or wrong? Who makes people do this shit? Who makes people leave the fucking house with a gun? I mean, who the fuck does it? And you know what the sad thing is? I did it. I left the house with a gun a lot of times, man. Thank God

nothing stupid ever fucking happened. And that's why one day I was like, why do I carry a gun again? For what? Protection. Well, you know, why do I fucking carry a gun? It was the weirdest thing. For years I carried a gun. I thought I was a big shot.

Not really, but still, I always, I always was very alert when I had it, you know, for shit. Thank God. Thank fucking God. Did you ever get depressed on it and, like, look, like, almost commit suicide? Are you fucking retardedly? I don't know. No. What is my fucking, what's his name and lethal weapon?

Oh, no, let me get a... Joe Pesci? No, you have to go. I'm just fucking around. The Australia. The, uh, fuck, man. Well, I don't know, man. What the hell are we just talking about?

We're talking about, have I ever looked at a gun in one of the ice case? Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad I never had a gun, but I'm driving, man. I would have just waved at a lot of people. You know what I mean? And then what if, like, they waved it back and shot at you? I'd be like, yeah, go ahead, because I don't mind's fake.

I love guns. But I love guns as a work of art. I cannot lie to you. When I look at, and I'm too old people, so don't judge me on this. When I look at a certain, I think it was the Browning 9-millimeter in 1982 or 83. I saw something completely different than when people. so I really like guns. I don't like the revolvers, the old ones with the lung pistol,

but I like all this new type of apparatus. I had a dear friend that used to talk to me about that apparatus, and I ended up falling in love with different types of gun, and he explained buckshot and this and that, and we'd go shoot the guns, and he taught me how to shoot machine guns, and the other ones, the AKs. I mean, he was just a genius. He had been to Vietnam.

This is what he did. So I got intrigued about it for a while. But I didn't look at it as I always wanted a machine gun to have under my bed in case something really went bad. Not to, but to hold the machine gun, like if we're over my house and I take the

bullets out of the machine gun and we're watching Scarface and you start playing with the machine gun there's no bullets in it. It's fun, guys. It's like stupid guy's shit. And that's what him and I used to do. We'd watch Rambo and he'd take out his shit and go, this is what I got, blah, blah, blah.

by. I fell in love with the geekiness of it. I didn't fall in love with the taking the guns and blowing somebody's head part of it until I added cocaine to the fucking thing. And then in your psychological stupidity you get these fucking stupid thoughts.

I never thought of killing myself. Well, everyone has like bad days and that's what I'm worried about. None, no, no, no. And nobody... Listen. It happens, though. Well, the guy yesterday got convicted of fucking fraud. oil fraud and today he fucking took his car

and rammed it into a wall and killed himself before he go to jail. I mean Lee, a lot of fucking crazy shit happens. You know, I mean, God forbid that somebody takes a gun and fucking ices themselves, but I never thought about that shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I never

want to come in a room and have you clean up my ears and shit and my eyeball from a wall. Where's Joey's eyeball? It's in the wall with a toothpick. Yes. From fucking Artie Morton's. Those guys would have those jobs, man. that's crazy you know what I mean

like I was dating the girl the guy just shot us out of and they had to go in the house and clean it up you dated a girl no no no I was dating somebody who had a friend who shot himself and they had to go and clean it

and clean it all up and she didn't go but they had to wait and meet the people outside just the image like that's all I began to realize they do this for a fucking luck you know

it's horrible yeah anyway so where were you when that happens I was buying coke out of Tago Bell I used to date this Chinese girl back I'm saying God So you've been working a lot lately, man What are you being?

Stand-up? Yeah, anything. I mean anything. I shot a lot of you know of the show I shot a couple of guests rolls In the past couple of months. Did you? Yeah, it was very nice.

Nice way to start the year, you know? And, you know, going on the road here and there, but slowing down on the road a little bit this year. I want to get back on television for a while I'm going to try my hardest, you know. Excited. Feel good.

You have to make a commitment sometimes. You have to look at your road money. Yeah. You have to see, you know, the effort. I'm going to see how far I can make it before the fucking wheel comes on. Right. You want to push and see. You know, there's two types of road comics.

They're road comics that, you know, Kevin Hart, they sell a lot of tickets. Yeah. They're going to go till they sell three tickets. And then you got to, you got the guys that go to Carnival, cruises. and they do like, you know, B rooms or C rooms, and they make a living, bro, they make a fucking great living, those guys. I know a guy that makes a quarter million dollars a year.

He works 30 weeks a fucking year. He sells T-shirts, mugs, guitars, hats. Lee, he's got a fucking van fill with shit. His wife comes on the row with him, and that's what he does. Am I mad at him? No, they live in the van. Exactly. He found a way to do what he wanted to do it.

I'm not mad at him. If he wanted auditions, he wouldn't live. Because he want to live in L.A.? No. He just wants to make a living, he just wants to make a living, doing what he loves. He goes to clubs, and he takes a bottle of tequila, and he has the same fucking jokes he's had

for the last 35 fucking years, or whatever, how long he's doing comedy. When I was new to comedy, I would kind of judge some of the guys who did anything but television that would do other angles. Like, I just play the road. Like, interesting. Yeah, it's a New York comic, it would say, like, interesting.

Or it goes, you know, I fucking, I do colleges. I don't go. I do cruises. All right. Like, why would those guys do that? When I see guys with puppets and guitars and stuff like that, like guys who do characters on stage and those funny magicians, they have a comedy magic club. It's like, you, I would judge him when I was younger as a comic.

But now that I've seen people make a living doing, like, wait a second, you figure out how to just do bullshit for a living, just like we do. You know what I mean? And there's some comics who have all clean jokes. Some were fucking really tell the truth. Some will never tell the truth. You know what I mean? and so

I respect if anybody can find a way to play this horrible life for a living just like I'm just gonna do this I'm just gonna be silly I'm not gonna show up to work

I'm not gonna wear a tie he made a commitment and now he's paying for his whole family just by being whatever the hell he's selling that just that fucking you all you gotta do is bring a creative merch and on a plane

he doesn't need a band doesn't need friends doesn't need a desk he doesn't need an office he just was like, I just found a way to do bullshit for the rest of my life and pay for everything with it. God bless him. I don't mind the comedian magician,

but it was put into a comedy show that I saw recently just randomly and I was really high. And it was really, really weird. Yeah. Just to have, like, randomly have a comedian. He was some great guys. Since I'm a kid, I ain't big on fucking comedians.

I ain't going to lie to nobody. And tell you, I ain't big on fucking magician. It was so funny. I found a way to make a look. What happened? The guy. Sorry. I was saying it was so funny at the Christmas party we went to.

There was a magician. I love it. I love magicians. Don't get me wrong, but just not at a comedy show. But this dude... That's what I'm saying. Like, if you go... When I was a feature act and I went to a comedy club,

and I saw they gave two weeks a year to a hypnotist or a month to a hypnotist, I'd be pissed off for a day. I'd be pissed off for a daily. I'm not going to lie there. but I'd be pissed off for a thing. You know, you want to come in August and they got a magical act, I get fucking pissed off.

But then I bumped into Joe DeLion. You know Joe the Lion? No. Old school Joe DeLion. That dude was heavy-duty comedy. And at one time, he was one of the top ten magicians in the world. He's one of those dudes that put himself in a crate.

Yeah. In a fucking wrapped-in-chain in a tank. Jesus. With Nazis around him with machine guns and bazookas. And, you know, he'd get out of that. He's one of those fucking guys. He ran a club and said, Syracuse.

Okay. I was about to say, man, because he needs to pay all those Nazis. Yeah, no, he's living in Florida.

He's going to be in there. Funny fucking dude, and he was a good magician. He kept it dirty, and he mixed it in. But there's some dudes that are so, and then you get stuck in the comedy con

condo. And a magician for a week, you have no idea what's that likely to be a feature act. They cut your time from 30 to 15, and to be a bit.

boot. You got to live in a condo for a week with the motherfucking magician wearing a cape and a hat of all hours. You're trying to get your dick sucked. You know. Yeah. You have no fucking... I got to imagine. But for the record, no, no. I don't want to go to a comedy club and see a fucking

magician. Not even fucking... Because those magicians are the fucking worst. If you're going to be a magician, at least be fucking good. That's it. But if you're going to be a magician and you got like a pigeon that's blind, and your tricks are delayed and you're still doing tricks from 1920.

I don't need that shit. When I first started comedy in 91 in Boulder, the House MC was a magician. Let's just say at that time, in 1991, this guy was already 60. And he'd wear the hat, and he'd go up to every Monday. The guy's fucking magic tricks were bad.

His persona was bad. Everything about this guy was fucking bad. I got him thrown out of there, you know. How was he? Till this day, what was... He was bad. He was bad,

you know, and there was Boulder was starting a comedy scene. It was 1991. You got an old man kicked from his gig? Listen, hold on, Doug.

I don't mean it like that. This is like breaking into Lucey's out. I said the wrong way. What happened was, Doug, he's ruined his dream. Fuck him. He was fucking 60.

He had his shot in Voivville. I was fucking starting out. This guy got two gigs from, listen, the broker, they have four restaurants in Denver. You're the bad guy in that guy's movie.

No, no, no, no. Hear me out here, me shit. Let's smoke some more hash right there. Oh, my God. Here's the deer. I'm going to need a lung transplant, like six months. I was his last show to give up? I told his wife.

Yeah, I'm going to be fucked. I'm going to have to do elliptical tomorrow. My lungs is shot. I can fucking feel him. We fucked him, took them, put this hash out of the glass. Yeah. What was I talking to my nausea?

The old man who's like you, wrong? The fucking magician and bow. Let me tell you what happened. All right. Okay, so I just get into comedy July of 91. Fucking August of 91, the Boulder Broker decides to do Beck's beer comedy night, Tuesday nights. The Boulder Boker, the Boulder Broger did Bex Beer comedy night. It was sponsored by Bex Beer on Tuesday nights, every Tuesday night.

The fucking, when they started it out, I wanted to be a comedian. And I read it in the paper, and it took me like a month to go down. You know that fear you have when you first start comedy? I was a little scared and hesitant. And I went down there. I paid for a ticket. I got the steak. And I'm watching this fucking magician.

Now, my fear... You're eating a steak by yourself? Yeah. What the fuck? At that time, I was almost divorced. And I wanted to see what Tuesday nights were like. So I went down and I got... In those days, it was 1595.

You got a steak of baked potato, a salad, and a soda. And you got a bowl of shrimp. You got a free ticket to the comedy show. I really want to know what happened to the magician. Let me tell you what fucking happened to the magician, because this guy's telling me, you eat a steak by yourself? No. I was going down the place.

All right, so I ate the fucking steak. The magician goes up, guys, and he's fucking horrible. So I went in there very scared and timid about doing comedy. Right. Once I watched this guy, I go, I'm rather than this guy. Yeah. So on the way out, I went up to the club manager, and I go, P.S.

Sign me up to the contest next Tuesday. Because at that time, they were doing a three-man contest. And then the two comics. And the winner of the three-man contest advanced to October, with the finals being December 18th, 1991 at the Boulder broker. Okay, so I had this whole plot. So when I talked to the fucking guy on the way out, I said, how do I sign up for the contest?

Because you got to talk to me. I go sign me up for the fucking contest. At this time, Brian, I had been on stage between you and I and Lee Syatt. At this time. Three times. I'm thinking three times. Tops. Three, four times.

Sounds like a three-time move. And in the back of my mind, I was already fucking halfway Cosby. You know what I'm saying? Sign me up. All I needed was the sleeping pills. I had the plan. So what happened was I went to New York

and I got on stage. And I died a thousand debts. And when I went back to Colorado, that was in my horizon. And I'm like, fuck it, let me tackle that. So I go down there, I see the magician. How long are you in New York for? Ten days.

Okay. Good. fucking go back in. I go to the guy, sign me up for fucking next week. I come back next week. I'm going up against two guys. I don't know who they were. But to make a long story short, the

magician's dead. He's getting me fucking pissed off. Lee, the best when I go on stage is when we're pissed off. About something else. Something that really has nothing to do with us. Like traffic, and we get there, we barely get there. And you're so pissed at the traffic that it takes your material, it does

something different with it. So that night I got so pissed off At that fucking magician He had ugly pigeons He was wearing fucked up clothes His tricks People didn't like him He was killing the fucking audience

In between the fucking comedians He's brand new And I know he wasn't He was 60 fucking years old And I go up there And fucking do like a three set You know it was okay It was no fucking Bill Cosby

But I won I advanced So now I got pissed off they said come back in October I go no no no no I want to come down and do guess that's like I'm trying to egg them on like let's get rid of the fucking magician this is the balls I got at this point

I'm like let me come down here next Tuesday do some time they're like no you're not allowed you gotta come back in October so I went and did my shit for whatever three or four weeks I went to poetry readings what the fuck you do Brian Scolaro I'm saying to keep alive

poetry readings I go back on October Brian Scalaro the magician is worse than ever now I just want to beat him up now I just want to fuck them up I want to fuck them up I went in there with like eight of my dogs from Long Island at that time I was working at the sports betting service in bold and I told my friends

at the office they're like we'll come down and support you like eight of them showed up with their wives and they're like this fucking magician sucked there from Long Island they started booing the guy I'm like oh my God I get up there again I got 20 people in the audience who wins you know I'm saying it's a no brain boom I advanced to the finals December

18, five comics, $1,000. That's great. Can I borrow $1,000? Would you stop with the bottle? I'm fucking throwing heat. I got six weeks to prepare for the Boulder Broker Grand fucking champion.

I'm done. So what do I do? I say, fuck, let me go down there. I go down there. I fucking win, Brian Scalaro. Are you win the contest? I won the contest on the 18th, and what the fuck do you think I did on the 19th? I called the manager nice.

and early. He goes, what can I do for? I go, do me a favor. I go, you and I both know. This motherfucker's killing the fucking county room. He looked at me, and he heard me, goes, you know what? Thank you for bringing it up. What do I say, what do you suggest

I do? I go, make me the house. He goes, how much money are you looking to get paid? Yeah. I go, give me a hundred a week. He'll drinks. He goes, done. Oh.

He, no, but see, the host had two gigs. He was also the magician at the all you could eat buffet. That's a good place for one of those fucking hos with pigeons and shit like that. He would annoy the shit of you at the buffet. I went to the buffet a couple times and he was fucking, give me the years. So you still had 50% of his income. Who? The magician.

Yeah, the magician got 50 points of his action. So tell us about the buffet. The buffet was brilliant. There's two tremendous buffets in the state of Colorado. I don't know about today. I can lie to you and tell you. I know about when I lived there in 95, one of the best Sunday brunches in the state

was at the Boulder broker. But the ultimate number one brunch in Colorado at the time. Yes. Well renowned. Yes. The Stanley Hotel where fucking De Niro. What's his name? Stephen King.

Stephen King shot The Shining. That's where you got the idea. Right. That's the hotel that the writing was based on. And then he wrote it fucking up in the, God damn it up by New Paltz. in New York and then he fucking shot

they shot it in goddamn I think it's Washington right? No I think it's Colorado when they shot They shot the hotel They shot it no It's all the parts inside The exterior is from The Stanley

No the exterior is from fucking Washington Oh really? Yeah yeah I didn't know that I didn't know See you learned something to every fucking day The Stanley Hotel is he actually haunted one Right he came over the end Let me do some shot off some working time

Yeah I'm sorry I just got really worked up No no no happy you finally got to You finally got the movies You know? Listen to me. You got out of your coma. That's all that matter.

Yeah, just at the fucking end. That fucking Arab fucking killed you with that shit. Yeah, I know. I was squire for 45 minutes. The fucking Jewel. Bobby Sharon, I love you. Bobby's been putting some albums on Facebook every morning. Classic shit.

Today he had a Judas Priest screaming with the fucking helmet. Jesse. Who knows? Jesse Bryn. Textbook 203. Catch 22. Chris Leonbrow and Shroom Factory. I love you,

Cucks, suckers. Stop it. Don't forget. San Jose Improv, Thursday, Friday, Saturday next week. 319, March 19th, I'm at the Temloor Brewing Company and March 31st. I'm at the motherfucking

brayer Improv all weekend, bitches. The Brewing Company is in Bakersfield. Bakersfield, you're absolutely right, man. You know San Jose Improv is haunted. Do you know that? That's the word the street. I've been haunted at that place. I had an edible one time with Lee

and I was fucked up. I had a whole chicken color. So you aren't. You aren't. No, that was pretty bad now. How much are you working these days, Brian on the road? Do you want to work more? I was working a lot last year. I think I did close to maybe

40 weeks of the 52 week here or whatever, 53 week. What are you complaining about? I'm not complaining. Who's complaining? I was making jokes. That's great fucking work, man. Yeah, I'm not going to. Complaining. You got a great television fucking resume.

I mean, people still recognize you? What I'm saying is my agents last year, my theatrical agents, well, you got to stay in town more. You're missing a lot of auditions. And I was like, you know what? I'm on the road so much. It's like, yeah, what the hell? Is this my life for the rest of my life?

I was like, I got to go back to LA and make sure I'm auditioning a lot. So I'm doing less gigs purposely, just right, right into my favorite clubs and being like, well, I'll go when you go. I'll do once a month on the road, but the rest of the time I'll be here. And you're in Tucson this weekend? I'm in Tucson this weekend. Friday and Saturday? Friday.

Saturday. There's four shows, I think. Oh, that's it? It's four shows now? Yeah, it's just a little eight-hour drive. I went there last year. I checked out Tombstone. That's fucking haunted, too.

You're like haunted fucking places, huh? I was attacked. We were attacked by Jay Sebring. You know Jay Sebring? No. He's the, uh, the, uh, he was the guy who, was with Sharon Tate the night she was murdered,

and he was murdered, as well as Abigail Fulger and... Now, where were you attacked by him? Well, he's dead now. Right. So, the house is no longer there. But now there's like a house that's literally like an entrefeet,

maybe not even from where the house was. And it's recently built, and the guy has been on ghost hunters and paranormal witness and all the shows, were like, I'm telling him this place is fucking haunted. And then they have video footage of like ghosts, uh, candles going crazy,

people shaking cameras. All the stories are very violent. They see a naked woman walking around with a word of towel, or they hear screaming, and then the guy, Jay Sebring appears and he hurts people, throws champagne bottles across the room. He's violent.

So anyway, I don't know if I really fucking believe it, but would we go up to, me and the girlfriend other time, drive up to the house? You know, it's a private driveway, the Seattle Drive, where a massive family murdered, I've always wanted to go up there because I'm an idiot So we drove up just the two of us late in night It's a really tight driveway

You can't do a K turn You can't do a U-turn Like you have to back out of that thing In the dark, It's such a dirt driveway And there's a couple of houses So we park in front of the house Like that's the house right there

Imagine the other, the two The old TV shows we just watched This morning, that's the house And then all of a sudden there's like a Just fucking just fucking Exactly I knew that Nothing would happen either way, boom

and the fucking my car door, my driver's side door, got like kicked in, sounded like, and the power went off in the car. And it's a brand new car.

It hasn't gone off like that since. So just like, so if you believe in that stuff, the ghost took the electric energy, the electric energy of the car, electricity, to manifest itself and scare me and her away from the house.

And they always say on the shows that he's protected, and Sharon takes. She doesn't know she's dead. So now if you don't believe in that, you just think I'm a fucking stoned idiot. But if you do believe in that, it's a pretty good story because I got attacked by one of the most famous ghosts. Jay Sebring. You didn't even know.

So I don't know how good the story was. Here's my thing. If I lived in a place that was haunted, I would just leave. I don't get. Why are they staying? Because they just bought a place and there's money involved and you've got to get lawyers. Fuck it. Then get an apartment until you can sell the house

because there's no way I'm living with you. Well, you just put all your money in a house. Fuck it. You figure a way out of the fucking house. Well, they go to the hotel in Ponteguest. After the house gets sucked. Lee, I'm with you, Doug. I don't fucking that shit.

I don't want to see that shit. I don't want to drive up there and that shit. I don't want to see what nobody got fucking murdered. If you got a fucking attack by a ghost, you deserve. You got all fucking lucky cucksucked. He just think of nuts. That's fucking, listen. I went up.

I was somewhere. one day, maybe three fucking years ago, four years ago, I go to see Duncan, maybe five years ago. Duncan. Duncan. He goes, swing by the house. I got to give you something. I go to this fucking location.

Who knows where the fuck it is. I get directions from my way. On the way front of his house, he goes, if you stay on this road and go down like four fucking blocks, you can see where Shannon Tate got fucking murdered. The L' Bianca murders and all that shit. And I'm like, listen.

You don't see the other job. Not the fucking chances on me going over there and a million fucking years. There's a ton of pain over there. That's just a pain for fun. Yeah, yeah. If they built a house in there, those people are going to rot in fucking hell.

The best thing you could do was cave that property down. And that was a horrible... Lobion or the Sharon Taint? The Charenton. That was... That was... That was horrible what happened there. When I was a kid,

I got obsessed with that Helter Skelter song. You know, that was the first fucking time I heard that a song made somebody killed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So here I am getting into music, Lysayette, and all of a sudden

I hear this fucking story. So I'm putting the brace on now. I'm like, whoa, whoa. So a fucking song made these people go and killed this baby and write pigs on the wall and all this shit that is just fucking horrid. So what did I do? I read the book.

I got, you know, at the age of like 12 or 13 or 14. I read like three of those fucking books. Manson books. Of the different of what had happened. That's why I know La Bianco and the names. There's a fantastic. Sharon Taiton.

That other fucking kiss of debt that was, you know, there's been so many horrible fucking things. The other night was skimming to the channels. And what was on the other night? Fucking Starady. I don't know what that is. All right. Star Reddy is a chick.

They made two fucking movies about there. They made one movie. and I forget the actor and the other movie was Eric Roberts. Star 80 was a movie about a fucking chickleet. Don't sit there. Type up the fucking computer and zip up the TV and let's show these motherfuckers what Star 80 is. Star 80 is Eric Roberts and this fucking playmate. He goes to Canada.

The guy put on bikini contests. He was just a fucking two-bit, fucking piece of shit. And he goes to eat cheeseburgers at this bar. and Canada or something like that. He's like, if I'm not wrong, she's where, who's the chick that was sucking Tommy Lee's dick? Pamela Anderson. Pamela Anderson's from before Pam.

Like Playboy got two of the hottest chicks of all time on from this fucking city to fucking be on Playmate. She was the original. That's why they called her Star 80. Star 80. She was the one. Okay. So go ahead, play the trailer.

Star 80, that one. YouTube movie trailer, 1983. See, there's two of them. So what happened here? You were buying COVID and you saw this? No, this scared the shit out of me the fucking first time. So Star 80's Eric Roberts and this chick, and she leaves him for Peter Bogdanovich or something because the guy's abusive or you spending her money and fucking Eric Roberts gets her back.

And then he fucking built him. his bench and he fucking sits it down, he fucking shoots her and fucks her, that he shoots himself. What's the name of the chick Lee? It's a Christmas movie. Yeah, it's a Christmas movie. You never saw it Lee either?

I never heard of it. We'll put the trail on. Let's kick it. Why are you staring at me for? You don't know what I'm talking about it. I have this feeling about Dorothy. She's going to be a big star. They're going to give me $10,000 for

having my picture taken. Dorothy is every man's fantasy. Sit up. Dorothy, you just can't let him do this together. You want to? Cheers. But you're going to have to pay. Star 80, rated R.

Jesus. Where was that? What year is that? 83. This is a fucking whole. Dorothy Stratt. There you go. One year before Ghostbusses. Yep. So where else are you going this year, my brother?

Zanis. Which one? one. The one in Rosemount right by Chicago. Fucking tremendous. I'm going to governors in Long Island later, but I'm trying to remember the other ones. The comedy spot in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I'm doing the Tropicana Laugh Factory in the Vegas. And then there's also on the booking.

What the fuck is that great club? The one in Rhode Island. Province. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a comedy connection. Yeah, I'm going there for the first. I'm very excited. about it. And then there's

Brad Garrett's Comedy Club in Vegas at the MGM. You got shit going on. You can't be that fucking broke. I don't know. There was just jokes. Oh, all right. But can I borrow these 300 dollars? Shake lead down. I'm just joking, man. He's good. He's good with numbers. Liener's

how to fucking do it. I was so stunned at the beginning of this. I couldn't even think. I was hanging on you for their life. If you played it back, I must have said, wow, maybe 87. times was my response when you were talking that was really wasted thanks and now I feel like I'm myself

again. It's a minute that's when he showed it to me and I looked at it I go I went in my bag and I couldn't find my pen and I go well that goes that idea and I swear to God I open up the door and there's the pen and I look and I got two glasses I could take that joint out of that fucking jar and we could have smoked it in that jar

or we could have fucking done it than this. And it got me high. Listen. That was like an edible. Hash is completely different than what people think. The problem with hash is

there's not a lot of good stuff around. Like I said in the beginning of that podcast. So people get caught smoking in this fucking shit they give out in these stores in L.A. They don't even know what they're selling. Trust me, I would smoke it and get sick for a few days.

When you're coughing shit up after a pipe load or something, an hour later, that's not healthy. So I shut it all down. I said, that's it. I'm not smoking nothing else. I don't want nothing. I don't want no shatter.

I don't want nothing. I just want fucking weed. I don't want that shit in my pipe. I don't want nothing. Do you not like Shatter? Because it was just that big article. I don't know what the fuck it is. So what?

You know, enough. I'm not doing those vapor pens no more. I'm not doing none of that shit. I decided I was like, that shit's got to be fucking killing you at some fucking level. We don't know what it's going to do to you. Right. Yeah, you don't.

Listen, all I know is one fucking thing, okay? You know what I know? I know you take two fucking zigzags. You cut one, you lick the other one, you stick it to the other one. You take some fucking reefer. You cut it with a scissor. You roll it up and you put a fucking light or whatever and you smoke it. Guess what?

They've been doing that since fucking 2,000 years. Anything other than that, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I really don't know what you're talking about. I did that for fucking years. And then when I got to high school, I would go into the city and they'd sell you all these weeds dipped in fucking hash oil or whatever. But then something special happened. Something really fucking cool happened.

Some kid introduced me to fucking hash. And I would smoke fucking hash with him. But he would tell me the mistake people do. When I do it on the show like an asshole because I'm trying to get high with you guys, you're not even supposed to smoke the hash with the weed. You're supposed to smoke the hash in a different type of pipe even.

Because the hash high, if the hash is good, Like you guys saw this, ashes. I'll say. This is what it does to you. It's a complete different eye. You could put on earphones and listen to music. It's very fucking different.

Forget about smoking out of a fucking glass, which is just smoke. There's nothing been that fucking job of refit. So that's the problem. People mix the hash row with the weed. You're not supposed to do that. We do that because we're fucking gavones. But in real life, you're supposed to smoke hash by itself with maybe, with maybe a glass of red wine. That'll put you at a different fucking level.

That's why I don't do it. I'll smoke cash, but I don't want to smoke hash and fucking wine. It's a complete different high guys, if it's real ash. Well, fucking amen, that was really good. Oh, no, no, no, I'm happy. I'm happy to stop by. It was like an edible, dude. Yeah, no, no, no. I felt the same fucking west.

soda did to Lee. Lee started sweating profusiously. He started sweating profusiously out of his head. His face got red. He was coughing. I'm like, Lee's getting fucked up. I couldn't really get high when I was doing, I was really sick on the, with the flu. Because you told me that NyQuil and Edibles fucked you up. So I didn't do that.

But I did robitussin. And apparently there's kids who were doing like 20 robitussin pills and then smoking weed so it was crazy. so I had like 200 milligrams which is nothing for me and I had robotussin and I got fucked up so

it was interesting let me ask you some are you okay yeah I think so why would you do robinthus after we just had this conversation in Los Angeles there's so many really good drugs out there that are so readily available

three years ago and spent $7 dollars of robinoles this is how wide I am I googled if it was okay and there were discussions online and you actually fucking googled it yeah there's a fun of the discussion dude I don't know I'm overdosed

at least I'm not commenting on the discussion Lee and stop Googling just take the robitussing they put it on the rocks rubber testing on the rocks robot testing on the rocks some fucking sleeping pills

a tall old but the fucking shot if you put a little ginger rail on that with on the rocks that'd be good gingerill with robitizen it's like sleeping Legging. Why, you break

my fucking balls, Lee, that cock sucker. I'm not trying to. No, I'm happy. I'm happy you did. No, listen, anytime you mix that shit,

you see me, I'm cutting down on other most. Yeah, no, I'm just not here. No, I do them on the fucking show with Lee, but besides that during the week anymore,

they were fucking me up too much during the week. And if I use them to sleep, they're tremendous. But I wake up fucking thirsty as fuck. I've said it a thousand times. It's the worst thirst.

gonna have when you eat an edible and pass the fuck out dude i don't know if i ever told you this but i did at the time i was here the edible you gave me was so strong first of all i i was having we were talking about movies having a great time and then at one point i don't know what happened in my head and i was like how do we get on clemedia we're talking about clemenia but i couldn't figure out we got from john candy to the clemedia and then i had to perform at the laugh factory and i was on stage and all i couldn't think of jokes i just thought about how if the if they wanted to to, the crowd could, as a group, kill me.

You know what I mean? I'm like, if they all rush me right now, I'd lose. That's all I was thinking, because I was so fucking wasted on this, this edible. It was like, it was like a trip. So I was like, I here I was, I was, like, doing acid. And I was like, well, they could kill me if they wanted to. There's more of them. Do you remember what it was?

What was? Do you remember what edible was? Yeah. It was fucking chocolate. Oh, it was chocolate? Oh, it was little squares. That's what it was. Oh, it was punch.

Yeah. about like five minutes. Yeah, those are really good, man. Anyway, so I never told you how ridiculous that was. I thought it was a horrible show. No, you told me. You called me the next day. I told you that I'm sorry.

I got to tell you what happened to the fucking laugh factory last night, man. After I left there, that's what those things do. They creep up on your fucking later, hours later. You don't even know what's going on. Next thing you know, your heart's fucking beating out of your chest. My knees called and said, listen, no more stars. Done. What happened?

She goes, I had my fit. on. Fitbit. The fucking thing on your wrist. So we get in shape to show you your heartbeat. Wow.

She said that she looked at it. It was like 190. She almost had a heart attack. She's like, I'm not even moving. I'm on my couch. Wow. How can I be at one fucking 35?

She really? Because I've always felt like I was having a heart attack. Listen, man. In Vegas, I got a, the Vegas was the wake-up call because I didn't figure out

what happened in Vegas on Thursday night to a week later. And I go, oh. You know, a year ago with Lee, let's pretend I came here and we ate edibles. When I went home that night,

if there was a pot cookie, I'd be so high. And I'd just eat the pot cookie, whether it was 500 milligrams or 200 milligrams, and I'd go to bed. And nothing would ever happen. I'd wake up in the middle of night. I'd drink some water.

I'd see green, the hallways. And I'd giggle a little in bed when I farted, or I put the sleep apnea mask on. But for the most part, Nothing never happened. Fuck, I go to Vegas, and I'm in the big room. They give me this big fucking room, and this bedroom. I put the TV on the bedroom, I put the TV on the bedroom,

make them believe I'm writing jokes, and there's a bag with at least 25 fucking stars in it. Really? 200 milligrams. It's just sitting there. And at 11 o'clock at night, for some stupid fucking Joey Dia's reason, I opened up the bag and popped two of them.

Now, where did the bag come from? A friend of mine. A friend of mine. A force one stars. The best stars out in the fucking... Stars are debt. Right. Listen,

Lee and I have gone through 20 different edibles. I've gone through 45 different edibles. And for the price. The fucking price. The 200 milligram right now at $25 for three of them. That's a fucking bargain. So you get 600 milligrams. For 25 fucking bucks.

They want 50 for that fucking cookie. And it's this fucking. big. You got to eat a whole cookie that have 500 fucking milligrams in you. This is, and listen, there's no human that can eat a whole star by themselves no more. Those 200 milligram stars,

they're a little more than 200 milligram. All the ones we've eaten have been a little dab more. We've been fucked up. I talked to him today. I thought we're going to hook up on Monday. He goes, if you want, we can hook up Friday. I said, fuck it. Give me a couple more days to lower my resistance.

So when you come back to the time, with those stars of death were fucking dead. I love it. But I can't do those stars at night no more. I just lay that thing in the bad things like I've done wrong in my life. When I'm on those things, I'm on those things. That's why I like them. I think about that shit every day.

I sit there and go, Jesus Christ, at one time I did this, look at me now, sitting here trying to play dead. Like, I fucking never did nothing in my life. It fucking beats me up a little bit. And that's why I've always enjoyed my one and away. It's always been my inner voice. It's always been like my inner conscience.

It's for some people. You know, that was my fault tonight. Fuck. For some time. When I was drunk, I thought it was his fault. Now I'm stoned and I realize it's my fault. No, no. A lot of marijuana makes you straighten up a little.

It makes you call yourself on a few things. And it's, uh, it really does straighten out. What do you got playing, fucko? What are you doing for the weekend, my little sexy Jewish friend? I'm working tomorrow on Friday and then I'm home to watch the McGregor fight. That's just a good fight. Okay. And what about you, my brother?

This way, I've got been Tucson. Tucson is shit. Gary Bynum, who owns the Tucson Club. When I got into comedy, he had a lock on the Pacific Southwest and Summer, Texas. He had a couple clubs. He had laughs in Tucson, laughs in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and he had another laughs. And this is way before Colorado Springs left. That was Judy Carter.

That was Judy Brown's room. with what's his name and Jeff Valdez it was Jeff Valdez's club and Judy Brown ran it from she is now a big time manager she manager Sebastian

that's how long I've known Judy Frumkin Brown but to make a long story short something had happened Gary Bynum and his wife broke up and his wife Shirley that was the name

opened up two clubs in like Oklahoma City and somewhere else. So you had to make a decision early on who are you going to work for. It was like a little war going on, asking about it when you go down there sometimes. I just like to, I don't want to bring anything up. No, nothing up.

It's pretty interesting that that's what I grew up. Like if you were told me 20 years, so what did I do? I didn't work for anybody. I never got involved. They had a club. Really? You didn't do either one.

That's great. No. And listen to what happened. They had a club in Albuquerque, New Mexico. and I had met the kid at a comedy club. I get off the stage and some kid runs up and he goes, hey man, I want to book you in my fucking room. And also Jimmy Abeta runs over and he goes, Joey, this is, God forgive me.

He was a great dude. He goes, God bless you know. He goes, Joey, this is, what's his name? How are you doing? He's hugging the guy. And all of a sudden he goes, he owns the Albuquerque, Alaska. He just bought it from Bynum, and he wants to book us his MC feature the first time. You're emcee and I'll feature it.

And I was excited. You know, when you're fucking excited. You're like, you know, I'm like, yeah, you know. Fuck, fine. I'm going to get some road work. New Year's Day. He was on a motorcycle. Got hit by a drunk driver.

What the fuck? That goes my fucking booking. I'm like, yeah. So I never worked last. I said, listen, fuck it. He was killed? He was killed, got arrested so. And then the comic bought the club and whatever happened to happen.

But that's what fucking happened with the Bynums down there. The Bynum sold the Tucson Club and then got it back. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that. They sold it and got it back. I like them. I think they were good staff. Listen, every club is different. That's the beauty.

Yeah, that's a, I have a problem. We all have, listen, you know what I want? You know what I want? I want a club where you walk in. you do your five or four shows and you walk up. That's the ideal. There's no huge problem.

But there's nothing like that. There's always a mishap somewhere. You know, you have to do radio. I don't mind doing radio. But it's nice to be known. Like, when I go to Vegas, who does radio in Vegas? I do MMA junkie because I want it.

But if I didn't want, I really didn't have to fucking do anything. They're going to come in anyway in Vegas. I love playing Vegas. I used to get really excited when I saw myself on a TV show and that was something about seeing yourself on a giant billboard in Vegas

is very exciting you know what I mean? It's thrilling. For me it's like almost as fun as being on NBC in 2001, you know? I'm like, wow, look at that. I look at a billboard of me and I turn my fucking head the other way.

Well, my head's gigantic. I don't take pictures of it. I'm embarrassed. It's even up there. I don't take a picture. The worst is when you're walking in a hotel and people look at the thing on the wall. You see it's you, and they look at you,

and you got to stand there like a fucking ass on. You're like, you're like, a comedian. You're like, what do you fucking think? No, I'm wanted for fucking perjury. What's that big? Fuck you. I love him to use a young picture of me. Didn't they say me?

I'm like, oh, he looks like he ate this guy. He ate this fucking man. Well, listen, brother, you're still in the game. Everything's fine. I'm doing good. Thanks to Joey Diaz. He's good, man. Listen, man, man, you're a good dude.

Thanks, man. You work hard, you know. There's a bunch of motherfuckers out there They're looking for a handout. You work, brother. You know, I see you at the store banging it out. I also ask for handouts. I'm not about it.

You know, the store is a... Store's a great room, man. These days, it's on fire there. Don't you think? No, it was... I was down there last night. It was the lineup from hell. It's amazing.

It was the fucking lineup from fucking hell last night. It's the only place where you can go, besides the me, Kurt Fox, Bobby Lee, Anthony Jezelneck. He brought fucking Rogan up. He brought this guy up. I mean, it was just fucking mind-boggling last night. If you think of it as fireworks, they go so long that the people eventually leave.

Can you imagine fireworks like that? I brought up Ian Edwards. I mean, it was just fucking craziness. It was pure fucking craziness. Imagine a four-hour fireworks show. You'd leave it at three and a half in. That's what it's like there because everyone's so fucking on fire. It's very exciting time to be there.

Let me tell you something, man. You know what's exciting? When people listen to the show, you like smoking weed, you like kicking your fucking feet up. There's nothing like fucking getting stone to the gills. That was ridiculous what you did. Sitting down, putting your fucking feed up. You put the channel on.

And the next thing you know, you go, you ain't got nothing. You got nothing to eat. This is where I come in. This is where fucking Nature Box comes in, all right? You're trying to eat better, but you think nutrition labels are confusing, all right? NatureBox has a snack for that They've taken out the guesswork and frustration so you could snack confidently

and stop wasting time sifting to nutrition labels Okay So trying to resist a bagel Friday Birthday birthday cupcake and bake sale at Betty office NatureBox has a snack for that It's tough

If you're working in an office I've seen fucking people go to offices They bring donuts I go to these agencies Fucking their snacks and cookies And fucking chocolates and shit You'll lose your mind at these fucking places. But with Nature Box, there's fucking snacks and it's healthy.

Because the workplace can be a fucking danger zone with unhealthy fucking nutrients and options. Whatever the fuck you call it. So if you're tired of eating the same bland food while trying to stay healthy, Nature Box has over 100 snacks for that. Making smarter choices doesn't mean you have to eat boring food. Let me tell you something. I just got a box in them again. Those garlic plantains fucking trougham. I'm a chocolate nom-nom-nom guy. I'm a black pepper and salt lentil guy. That is my all-time favorite fucking snack from Nature Box.

Have you got like the Osceago crisps or whatever they're called? Delicious. Oh my God. Fucking delicious. So listen, why are you messing around? NatureBox makes over 100 ridiculous nations. Ridiculously delicious snacks. They stores from all over the world for you to choose from.

Like I said, my personal favorites, are the chocolate nom-noms and the garlic plantains. Now, Nature Box makes it really easy to find the snacks you want without questioning what's in them. Plus, they're constantly adding new and interesting snacks for you to discover. NatureBox believes you shouldn't eat something you don't like. So if you try a snack you don't like, they'll replace it in the next box for free. Can't do that with the other snacks.

So do me a favor. Go to NatureBox.com slash Joey right now to get 50% off. your first box a delicious, unique snacks without any of the junk. That's naturebox.com slash joey for 50% off your first box of the best tasting snacks in the world. Again, do me a favor. Stop fucking around. I had these, for a look. Anyway, naturebox.com slash joey, 50% off right now. I'm telling you, go to NatureBox.

You're not going to regret it. These are snacks that are delicious. When you're stone to the gills is as good as it gets. Midnight, you're walking around. You got a little fucking apple juice. You know how that goes, brother. Every couple months, I get an email, and I got an email to order fruit from Blue Apron.

And I got to tell you something. They usually send me two different dishes, and I'll fucking fall in love with the other one. The other one was good, but I won't like the vegetables. You know, I'm not a vegetable guy? But you know what Blue Apron gives me the opportunity to do? It teaches me I to learn how to cook. Which a lot of guys don't know how to fucking cook.

And all their meals, it's like 30 minutes of fucking less, okay? I mean, admit it. Nobody wants to fucking anything. The last thing anybody wants to do is wait online at the grocery store or schlep home and cook a complicated meal. An expensive unhealthy takeout is hardly better. You know how it runs, my brother? It's a fucking nightmare.

That's where the new service, Blue Apron, comes in. And I recommend this for you, my brother. Scalaro, this might work for you. They deliver farm-fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes to your home, allowing you to create healthy, hand-crafted meals at home without going to the grocery store. So, who got you get home, the box is there,

and a fucking seal filled, the food is fresh, the steak, whatever the fuck they send you, the chicken, the piece of fish, whatever they send you is fresh. All right, Blue Apron is perfect for date-night, cooking with friends, and they even offer a family plan with kid-friendly ingredients, so the whole family can eat well and have fun preparing the meals together. For less than 10 bucks a meal, Blue Apron sends you fresh ingredients perfectly proportioned.

You're hearing that? Making cooking healthy meals really easy and fun. No trips to the grocery store and no time with unused ingredients. Plus, like I said, Lee, not Norfolk in fucking Hasville over there, you'll learn how to cook with specialty ingredients, okay? Each balanced meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving. And it's so tasty, you'll never know. And the cooking takes, like I said, less than a half hour.

Shipping is flexible and free. And the menus are always new. They won't send you the same menu twice. They work around your busy schedule and dietary preferences. And the Blue Apron experts, source only the best seasonal ingredients for the incredible meals. Like, let me tell you what they got this week, all right? steaks la Pervoir with crispy fingering potatoes

and they got Asian spiced chicken with red cabbage and that's for the two-person plan for the family plan they got empanadas the piccadillo and arugula salad just to make empanadas a piccadio I would fucking get that dish right there plus they got the garam masala shrimp with garlic spinach fucking rice

and the soft boiled eggs with the old dune noodle fat soup. Are you fucking kidding me or what? You don't even have to bump into people bowing and shit. It gets sent right to your house. Do me a favor right now. Cut this shit. Go to blue apron.com slash joe and I'm telling you what I'm going to do for you.

I'm going to give you two meals on me. And you're going to cook two incredible meals and you're going to be blown away by the quality and the freshness, all right? Blue Apron is the best way to cook. So do me a favor. Check out this week's menu and get your first two meals. by going to blue apron.com slash joy.

I get excited about good food. Yeah. My treat, really. The first two meals are on me, so go to blue apron. com slash joy. Who the fuck you think

you're fucking with here? I was really sorry. And as usual, I stopped smoking the East cigarette and I stopped dicking around with everything because I wanted more endurance than Jitsu.

And today, well, not really today. On Monday, I went back on the fucking Shroom Tech. I'll tell you what. Shroom Tech is a thing that on it has. It's made of these quadruent.

set mushrooms. Okay. I'm sorry about the water bottle, people. I'm going to work a little better around this. Yeah, there's a lot of shit there, man. Yeah, you've got to drink some water.

You've got to keep hydrated with these fucking battery acid I'm doing. But they're made with these mushrooms. And for people who work in high altitudes, they would eat them to get more endurance and they would get more oxygen

in their lungs. Right. And they just did a study that works for people who are older. So I started popping them again. And I got to tell you something, I was sore time. because I had Lavelle Crawford on my fucking back half the goddamn day.

He goes to Jiu-Jitsu with me. He's 380 pounds, and I was doing single legs with him, putting my head under his fucking armpit, dragging him up three. I must have did that 20 times. I couldn't do that fucking a year ago. So it's amazing how the Shroom Tech really works. It gives you endurance. I'm sore today, but fuck it, this is what I wanted to do.

I wanted to go in there and work in Jitsu. They also have Hemp Force protein and chocolate flavor. They got the testosterone boosters. I mean, listen, I could sit here and bore you the debt. Fuck that. Go to honor.com right now slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first order

delivered to your house. That's the best thing they do. Deliver it right to your fucking house. You're going to go. But listen, I can sit here and bore you for hours. Now, go to honor.com. I want to thank blue apron.com. I want to thank fucking naturebox.com.

50% off your first order. And I want to thank my main man, Brian. Boom, boom. Scalarrow. Man, thanks for having me. Thank you, brother. Sorry, I got so fucking wasted for the first half, man. No, no, no, no, no, no.

It happens, brother. I feel bad. Does that happen often? This is what we do. Here, put this away, Tarzan. This is what we do. We get stoned to the gills, and we, uh, you know, we fuck around a little bit. That's it.

I really, uh, it's as good as, you're having off as a half hour. Well, listen, brother, I hope the people that represent the church in Tucson, go see him in Tucson or any of the dates that he said, Brian's a good guy. Thanks for having me on, my friend. He's got credit. He's legit. He ain't one of these fucking ukulele players with his sympathy and shit.

He does drugs, so if you want to get him stoned or get him bumped or whatever the fuck you got, show up and shit. Lee Syatt will be in the Lampock area, so if you're in prison, stick your dick out the fence and he'll come over and rub your fucking nutsack

with a feather. Jesus, that's true. Who the fuck knows? For 25 bucks, he'll do a lot of things. Besides that, I love you. Cocksuckers. I'll see you next weekend in San Jose.

We'll be back Monday night. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Love you. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. And our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron.

That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by NatureBox. Go to NatureBox.com slash Joey to get 50, percent off of your first box. Head to naturebox.com slash Joey right now and get the right snacks for 2016. It's naturebox.com slash Joey for

50% off of your first box. And go to honor.com and use co-word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain and New Moor.