The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #362 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: March 15, 2016

Ari Shaffir, Comedian and Host of, "This Is Not Happening" which airs on Comedy Central, Tuesdays at 12:30am, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/14/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use Coord Church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like AlphaBrain and Newm. That was the worst ad read of ever heard in my life.

Well, have you had 800 milligrams? He's got no enthusiasm. We got that motherfucker again the right way. Waka, waka, waka. Get yourself sacked up. Come on. I'm sacked up. We ain't fucking around here.

Let's do it. It's Monday night. These cocks suckers are waiting for a spectacular show, and you're fucking around with the ads. Let's do it from scratch. Ready? Fuck you. One, two, three.

Action. Welcome to the Church of What's Happening now, and this show is brought to you by Blue Apron. I'm interested. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. That's right.

And our listeners, only you, get their first two meals for free. Just go to blue apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blue apron.com slash Joey. Okay. Pretty great. One note. One note.

Okay. I would go before the like that. That's right. Where was that? I added that. Oh. All right. We'll just do like a pause before that.

Let them react. Ready. Wow. And then do the things. No, thanks. Wow. Ready? One, two, three.

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. That's right. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. And you, our listeners, get your first two meals are free. That's right. That's an estimation point. You just skip right over. I know.

What's a problem? I said that's right. I was trying. Free. Free. You guys, no money. Look at your wallet. Throw it away.

You don't need it. You get your first two meals for free. Go to blue apron.com slash Joey. And you're trying to work out, you're trying to look good. Go to onit.com. You use code church. And you're 10% off all the great optimization products. Like alpha brain make you smarter and new mood and strong zone.

All this beautiful progress you made. And then you just do it in the toilet right at the end there. Oh shit An oldie but a fucking goodie This is my fucking backbone right here This is me in my bedroom By myself doing homework Listen to WPLJ

And this coming on And like fucking moving on the floor Like kicking Lee, come on And if your train's on time What? The church cock suckers Are you fucking kidding me or what?

Monday, March 14th, my two best Jewish buddies. Here we go. This is fucking the Jewish national anthem right here. Taking care of business. I'm burning houses down. I'm suing people.

I'm doing it all. You understand? I'm sorry. I'm thinking about Easter. You know what I was out. Okay, I was living in North Bergen, New Jersey. Yeah. I had just gotten out of Catholic school,

and I was trying to prove to my mom that I could not be watched. Like, I didn't need to be watched. So I would have to go to the bar for a while after school and do homework. And it got to the point after a few months she would let me go home earlier and earlier and earlier. And I would hang out with Anthony Balzano, like we'd go to his house and listen to stupid music, you know. And nobody did drugs. There was no drugs involved whatsoever. were just stupid kids.

But Dave came, their house was a hustler house. Carmine, as a dad, made them all have jobs and do certain jobs and stuff like that. Frankie, the older one, had a car already. He got like 16 and a half. He got, like, a learner's permit. But he had a car parked a couple blocks away from the house. You know what I'm saying? Like, he was on top of it already.

So on Saturday is, you ready for this one, guys? We used to go to Englishtown, New Jersey. Yeah. All right. And there was a warehouse now. There used to be the cars, these funny cars. And there were races. On top of the races, there was a flea market.

Yeah. But miles and miles of flea market, which basically was all stolen mafia goods. Wait, wait. Where was this? Englishtown, New Jersey. Okay? At an illegal race truck. No, it's all legal.

It was funny cars. You know, people with cars in one tie. and the ones that pop and the parachutes. Listen, if you thought I went down to the seat of races, shame on you. I didn't give a fuck about cars, okay? I went down there because we went down to the fleet market one time. And then we went back down again,

and a buddy of us said, listen, there's two fucking warehouses. It's right over here, and on Sundays, if you jump the fence, they got dumpsters, and they throw away all these irregularists. This was way before fucking raw. way before those stores. So I would jump the fence

and Frankie would keep his car rolling and I would throw over converse sneakers and I would have to look for matching pairs and there were the ones that Julius Irving wore. So we were throwing them over the fence. Yeah. Right? And taking them back to North Bergen

and selling them for $20, $15 a piece. There were 32 plus tax. Those red, right and blue ones? No, no, no, no, no. The first one is at Julius Riving. Pop them up. Hey, Dr. Jay, where'd you get those moves? What?

That's the commercial? Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with some novice or something like that? Do you think I just walked off the fucking banana boat? Pop the fucking screen on for these guys here. What? When Julius Irving went from the Nets to the Sixers, he also took a sneaker with him. They made a Converse developed a sneaker just for him.

Yeah, and it was called for Dr. Jay, and it was called the limousine for the feet. Now, guys, you ready? The 76ers. He was with the Nets, and he went right to the 76ers. Now, guys, you ready for this? Yeah. He is just to school, you motherfuckers. Okay.

In those days, even if you went. So what do you want me to search? Dr. Jay, Converse sneakers. Even if you searched, yeah, commercial. Even if you went to, they would, all right, let's. The top one. Let's see what the... What? Put the music on.

Watch this, guys. This is a real fucking commercial here. No way. Look at this shit. Turn the music off. Music's still on. Leith. Yes, it is.

The end is still on. Can you believe this? What I live? That's so creepy. Dr. Jay Duncan, this is the end. Jesus Christ. That's 17 minutes, that song? That's 17 minutes.

Yeah. Wow. I watch this. Dr. Jay. Where'd you get those moves? Are you a member of the human race? Hey, look at them. Oh, yeah.

You're a red artist, you're a wizard. Look at, do you see those sneakers? Oh, yeah, the red ones. When those came out, it was game over for Joe Diaz. Yeah. I couldn't sleep at night. If you stepped on my fucking Julius Irvings, I would fucking, the pointy red pointies.

Right there. Those, if. So you got to remember. Oh, look at this and shit. What is this? Dr. Jays? At Rutgers Park in New York City. Watch this. Go ahead, Lee. Hit this. Wait till you see.

Look at their hairs. You had to save that for the playground. Oh, cool. And after the school year was up, he began heading to the most famous playground of them all. Here you go. Since the 50s, Rucker Park in Harlem had hosted summer tournaments that brought names as big as World Chamber. and Connie Hawkins to the blacktop

to play a version of the game where style was essential to the substance. The first game you got in on this court here and played like a bum, you was a bum. So when Jerry Sherwin came to Rutgers, he'd either be known

in the basketball world as a great player or he would have probably figured out a way to deal with his books. Can you believe this shit? You never saw this on him? We played in the first game and they kept saying, You wait to Julius gets here.

You wait to Julius and I'm on... Who's Julius? That's a Nick. Tom Hoover had never heard of him. But soon enough, the kid named Julius was doing... Look at Rucker Park. Oh, my God. Look at fucking Rucker Park, my friends.

Jesus. The guy takes the ball out to throw the length of the courts for a fast break. What? He jumps up in the air and catches the ball and throws it down. Charlie Scott shot A long shot And Julius came Took it out of the air

Charlie Scott was a Celtic Oh my God That was 30 40 years ago That was the first alley That was 20 fucking years ago 40 years ago They really know good basketball And you know if you do something

Real nice You know they show their appreciation He came down Look at all these people Look at all this shit angle on him. He dunked the ball so bad. The ball hit me in the top of the head. My teeth fell out on the ground. The crowd roared. I had scrambled to grab them off the ground and put him back at my mouth. I helped build his reputation. It was just one thing left for Julius to earn at the rucker. A haircut. They would call him different names, a little hawk. He went over to the announcer and said, I'm not the little hawk. That's Connie Hawkins. So then they call him the claw. Oh, man, the claws's got the ball going.

I was like, I'm thinking, I wonder who he's talking about. He's calling me the claw. I don't want to be the claws. Oh, what a rebound by Black Moses. Black Moses, what are you talking about? Black Moses. He said, if you want to call me anything, call me the doctor. So you know.

Jesus, great. Look at that. He's up there. He's fucking up there. Jesus Christ. All of a sudden, Black, Dr. Jay, Dr. Jane, Dr. Jane. What's your favorite basketball play?

Dr. Jay. Why? All this move he do. Whoa. That's far. Behind me up on the roof. What? It's a spook.

They were all on the roof. Yeah. Yep. He drew. Look at that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at that.

It's like the birds. God, look at that. It's like the birds. Trees. Look at that. On branches. Look at that. everywhere you looked around what there were people it wasn't even standing room only people could

not they fucking archibald we had people on the bridges this is where the legend of dr jay look at the people in the roofs god damn jesus christ so his popularity when that sneaker came out oh he regulars oh jesus put a memory on you oh god all the Irregulars. You didn't remember we were talking about that? I don't know. I'm a fucking professional.

I can't be fucking around. 800 milligrams, 200. You know me, I'm always ready to rock and roll. So all the irregulars. So we take the

irregulars and fucking and sell them for 20 or the small 15. Me and Frankie would get like 12, 13 pairs. And after the third time we got caught. these dudes circled us and said,

listen, you can't be doing this shit no more. This is our fucking angle. What you could do is we'll buy him for us for five bucks. But me and Frankie in those days used to drive down there when he was 16 and a half. To the flea market? To the flea market in Englishtown, New Jersey,

which was a good fucking hour. And we listened to Bachman Turner overdrive, that eight track. Over and over. We were going to go take care of business. You know what I'm saying? Me and him, we're going to go take care of business. business. This is like a theme song. This was

there. We were gangsters. We'd stop and get hot dogs. I remember we stopped and got White Castle. And at that age, I knew I couldn't eat White Castle. Why? Because I got such a bad headache. I couldn't leave the house the rest of the day. That next Sunday I woke up and barked.

I didn't eat White Castle again to high school. Too salty, maybe? Yeah, it was too much sodium. Also gross. Also gross. Oh, they're delicious. They're awful. Listen, those little white castles with cheese, steamed. Are you fucking kidding me with some fines? They were the worst things in the

world. And a Pepsi. Listen, if right now, if right now we drove over to the one in the... They are terrible. If it is not fresh out of the oven and I mean like take it out and just throw it into your mouth. It's not that. What do you think we're going to do? You think I'm going to do? You think I'm going to say it? People take them to go? What?

I'm going to tell you what. I guarantee you, I can be right next to one. And I can get the three packets from Rouse. steam them and you won't know the difference. Did you know that? You get the three packets from Routh. There's a quarter of a week.

That's the same. You're saying that's the same as... So what you do is you take the fucking thing and you take a little pie pan and you fill it with like a half inch of water and put it under it. My friends do it all the time. We go over it.

We're like, where the fuck do you get these white castles? And they go, listen. If you listen to the people at Routts, they take to put them in the oven. That's not the way to do them. You got to steam them the way they do them. And you steam them? That's what I'm saying.

Look, you think I eat that shit, but I'll tell you what. Out of respect to New York City, every time I go to New York, I'd get two white castles and fried and diet Pepsi. Am I, are we lying, Lee? And I'm not taking a white castle on 91st Street. You did? Do we not eat on the corner like animals outside. We saw homeless people.

The fries are good. They have really good fries. The fries are delicious. You agree with me. The burgers. The garbage burgers. They're only for when you're drunk. The burgers, oh, gosh.

See, here's the thing. It's what you like as a kid Because I didn't have a kid I didn't even like them as a fucking kid And I'm telling you as an adult You know what? They're a piece of America Since 19

How old is White Castle 19 fucking 15 or something like that? Out of respect You got to go eat one And you never die They always said there were horse meat Whatever It's the same shit they give you

And the shit I like As a kid That steak to that like That's your mafia meat You always talk about That's your mafia meat It's White Castle That's the first from

Was you? 1921 1920 fucking one they've been serving food Come on Give me a fucking breathe It's not cuisine It's not Ardy Morton's It's all like sheep butter

It's what It's like It's like other meat How does it get so gross I don't understand how it gets so gross I'll take it to the fucking one in the Nogberg It's just beef right I get you a surfing turf

Don't knock your socks off All right The burger with the fish patty In White Castle Yeah Oh it's a surf from turf It's kosher the whole thing Don't worry about nothing

Where the fuck you've been, Doug I don't call, you don't write You can you, last time I saw you had a bald head And a leg Now you show up with hair Yeah, I gotta cut it again Fucking, and a broken leg What is it with you?

You're like, you know You're loving life And I gotta give you that much You don't give a fuck Yeah And it doesn't matter At the end of you're single You have no respect

responsibilities you got apartment here you got the apartment there you got no car you said fuck it you got a bicycle that's right i do that bicycle key and that's it brother that's all who gives a fuck you got a show and chase the son yeah listen man at the end of the week that's all that man is you're happy yeah having a good time and you're doing what you love doing your story comes out tomorrow i know on youtube the other story You gotta remind me for you. I don't know. What are you going to tell these people for?

That's good. I was watching it today. Lise, how are you feeling? I'm good. I had a fun day last week on Thursday. What did you do? I went to the beach for the first time ever in L.A. Did you?

By your son? Yeah. Where? Where? Where? Well, I was going to go to Malibu because I don't want to fight the traffic to Santa Monica, but someone told me about Point Doom. And I went there and it was great.

Point, yeah, I heard about that. It's kind of scary, though, because they have really steep stairs. and I was really high, so the stairs were kind of scary. But other than that... You go to the water? Hell yeah. That was the best part. I went up, and I went all the way into my head.

And, fuck, yeah, I, like, going all the way under. Really? I haven't done that in fucking, like, 15-something years, probably, at least. How cold was it? It was really cold. Oh. Is everything out of those caves? I don't know.

They had surfers. They probably did have caves. Because it was, like, you had to, like, climb down a mountain. To get there? Yeah. Damn. But it was so fun. A lot of people down in Italy?

No, there was, well, here's the thing. It's March. And it was like a weekday. So maybe they just didn't have people. But there was no one. It was great. You know. Listen, I love the fucking beach.

Who doesn't love the fucking beach? It's great. It's warm. I grew up on a fucking beach. Okay. You know, a great sound effect. What's that? That's ironic.

The cops. The cops always. I mean I being a kid in the summers I fucking grew up right in Miami. I'd go down to Miami for three weeks and the last week my mom would come down and we'd get a hotel with the family I stayed with.

She was a godmother to their daughter. And all those, you know, we'd stay on the beach for eight days, you know, and go out there. I love the beach, but it's such a fucking chore when you live here. It is, but it isn't. Especially if you go to the 101,

to the Malibu because Santa Monica is going to be death. Why? Why death? The 405. The 405. There's nowhere. But in the other, the best part of about it, I didn't say, I took my shirt off. I haven't done that ever. Hell yeah, man.

I've never done it. How did it? It was great. I'm so white. But like, I was always too self-conscious. But I was like, good for you, right? I was like, fuck it. Yeah. That's a fuck. Yeah. At the beach. At the end of the week, yeah, you got a little sun,

a little vitamin D on your tities. I got high and I like I there's actually a spot because it got too cold Yeah So I was I climbed up the mountain and there's a spot You can just like look over the water Like they have like a lookout spot And it was great and I just sat down like road all day

It was like really fun I spoke to you that morning You sounded very Enthusiasm but at the same time You sounded very Like you wanted to go out of your comfort zone Like you were done Like you didn't want to sit around anymore

you just want to see it too much so I'll do it all day if I could like I would if I could never leave my house again I would that would be fine but I wanted to try I live in L.A. I might as well go and then if you were right like you always told me to like get some son and just to get out of the house I and the house is the best that's why I don't want to leave did you eat when you were down there just stopped when you got a fish burger I wouldn't got a burger at like a place but no but that's here's the thing. What? I normally wouldn't go to a place like that and I normally

would, I don't like eating alone so I would take it to go. But I stayed and I ended up talking to a guy and he told me about Point Doom. I was just going to go to a random beach. So it's like I always, it's terrible. I hate being social. But it worked. It did so that's why I'm trying to do it more. I went into the beach in San Diego this weekend. I went into the water with my crutches on.

I crushed out there. Did you bring up? up putting in it? What? Did you bring your fucked up foot in that too? Yeah. You got some water on?

I got some water. Get some water. Yeah. The water heals it with the oil. You just dig in. You just dig in. I fell down a couple times just standing up in the regular ocean. How did you?

Three legs. Three legs. Once those waves. There's one more than you. Oh, I was in. And I had two stars in me with two of the red ones. It wasn't really anything. But I kept thinking, like, if I died, I was going to be, like, the first person to, like, get blamed for weed.

But it wasn't that. Like, it was just, I, I, I was just, I, I only went up to, like, my waist, and then I just dug under when the waves came, dude. It was so much fun. I miss going to the beach a lot, and I was doing it a lot before Mercy came. Me and my wife were going down there twice a month of the beach. Remember, I fell, and I got a hole in my leg, and I got hit by the rock down there. I was going to the beach a ton.

Once my daughter came home, when she gets car sick, either way, whether we take the 101 to fucking, you know, the other way down Santa Monica with all the curbs, you know, you get off, what the fuck do you get off on sunset? We could do Topanga? Yeah, no, no, no, no. We used to get off the 405 to sunset,

then get off and make it right and go down that, that way. I guess the straightest way would be the 405 to the 10. Well, we used to go to that beach, and then, no, no, both ways you get sick, so we stopped going. Fuck it. I love the goddamn beach. You know, the Jersey Shore,

all that shit. But we were talking about something that you didn't fucking know about. Oh man, I just don't doubt. I know you did. Because that's, no, that hash will take it to where you need to be. That's the one I do. That's in your jeans. No, that's a fucking edible, kicking it. No, the edible has that you're right, right, right, my fault.

Nah, what the fuck? Whatever it is. Who gives a fuck what it is? So, politetic. We're going. All right, sorry, what are we talking about? We were talking about you hurt in your leg before the fucking show. Oh, yeah. And we're talking about my skiing thing. A couple couple weeks ago, I worked with Marin. And I was talking about skiing and dimensions and sizes and the guys like,

Wait a second. You ski and I go, dog, for fucking four years, that was my life. And nobody knew about it. Nobody knew that you were a skier. Nobody, I never, I got there in April of 83 and everybody busted my balls. You're going to ski, you're going to ski, you're going to ski. And my acclaim to fame was in Jersey one night. My friends took me out.

It was midnight skiing at the Playboy Lodge. This is how old a long ago this was. Ari, I know what it is to be cold. Walking in northern New Jersey with the winds off to Hudson in January getting off a bus and walking up those three blocks, you just feel like they're going to crack. Fuck that. When I went skiing the first time with those animals

and I got on top of that mountain, that fucking wind hit me. I tapped out. I threw the skis down and I told the guy to help me and they shot me down on the fucking thing. You want to talk about embarrassment doing with a fucking grandma coke in my pocket and they ball in the room and I was like I'll never skate

It's a type of cold If it just goes through your jacket I didn't understand How you're gonna go skiing On ice when it's cold You're gonna fall And you're gonna fucking bump your head You know I just didn't feel the logic

But once I moved To Aspen my friends did why Because you got powder Yeah it's two different words Yeah the East Coast is way worse The East Coast was garbage Like at that time at that time I didn't know

that's what I started on the East Coast I didn't know what a good ski was I didn't know I had no idea but all I knew was I didn't like the experience in Jersey so here I am in fucking Snowmazz

Village November of 83 and I'm surrounded by people ask me if I'm gonna ski and I tell him I'm a retarded fucking New Yorker at the time No, I don't fucking ski Fuck you people

I'm not even gonna watch And one day I went up there And I went to get a bowl of chili A bowl of stew at the stew pot And I walked a long way And I saw these people zooming by And I was like, when a second I'm fucking 19

What am I doing with my life? What am I doing? I'm going to a gym and hit my bag That's my fucking life And I go to Aspen And I fucking take classes Or whatever the fuck I'm doing. You know what?

Here's the deal. My neighbor was a manager at Sport Kalen. Sport Kalen's a big time sporting thing up there. And his dad died and he had to go back. So I lent the money. And when he came back, he gave me the money. He goes, listen, your first ski lesson

is on me and all the equipment. Just like that. Really? So December 24th. I walked up there December 24th. I hadn't spoken to him since he got him back. And he He gave me the cash back like a man. And I walked in there December 24th, and I said, I'm ready.

He goes skiing. He goes, dog, I'm busy as fuck. I can't give you a lesson. But you're getting tightened up with the best demos I got. And he hooked me up from head to toe with equipment, goggles, gloves, gloves, T-shirts, jackets. He was brilliant, man. This was my brother.

Next door. And he goes, just go out that way and walk. He goes, you know how to do this. You've seen the films at my house, you know. And I fucking walked. It took me an hour to walk from Sportkele-in to the first lift. It was embarrassing. Why?

What do you mean? How far was it? During his feet. I never skied like that before. I got on the thing. It took me to the top of the mountain, and I just tried my best, Doug. You know what? I got it.

At first, I was going down on that mountain, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. People pulled me over and taught me how to snow plow, how to stop and shit. But I started with like 185s. They put me on 185s at first. Now that doesn't even exist. And I went all the way up to 210s, 205, something really fucking weird. I could ski Ari Shafir in those days.

And I got hooked right away. And there were these guys in the building that said, listen, we work. Wait, what are two tens and 205s? What does that mean? I don't even know what that is. That's a ski length? The length. The length of the skis.

Oh. Right. So there were these dudes from Mancato. Minnesota that lived in the building and there's a listen we'll teach you how to ski we're all fucking pro skiers

let's go and they would take me in the mornings like at seven in the fucking morning and just take me and teach me the thing and little moves and I would ski with them and I forget all the different colors and shit but they had me from the beginning thing to the intermediate

thing in my week and a half like they fucking yeah and they would trick me they would take me into those things with the high moguls that I couldn't do in the beginning. That's... Moguls suck. They suck. That's what fucks up your knees. Yeah. You see people in the processer and they go what the... Yeah, that's what you're doing?

What are you doing? Oh, God. That's not my game right there. Yeah. I could go in that medium one. It gives me an hour to get down on those moguls. I picked four or five of those medium ones that I lightly. Yeah. And I would hit a beginner one from time to time just to try shit. And Lee, I would get up there as soon as that mountain opened and I would ski to 11 Miss Command.

At the time I worked at Commander Video. Yeah. And I would fucking take my skis and fucking stash them in my house and drive down to Commander Video and work. And that's what I did four days a week, man. I loved everything about fucking skiing. I didn't like all the drama at people. I was a fucking dude.

I went up there with jeans, skis, long underwear, you know, a belt, long underwear, top, a t-shirt over that, a jacket with a hood with goggles, and a throat thing, so my throat wouldn't get cold. That's how I skied. I saw people who drop hundreds of thousands in clothing for all that drama. Get the fuck. Once you ski two times, you ain't cold.

You ain't fucking cold. Your legs aren't cold? Fuck, no. If you ski two times, even with jeans, even with jeans with long underwear on, thin long underwear, if you take two fucking runs, after those two runs, your body is so fucking warmed up, steams coming out of it. You'll be begging to take your fucking clothes off.

Trust me what I'm telling you. Because once that sun comes out in Colorado, you're up, you know, whatever it is, 1,300 more feet, 13,000 more feet. Once that sun comes out, it hits you, bro. When I was skiing and lifting weights, I was in some of the best shape I was ever in. What if you fell?

I would get up. I would get up. I would get up. Knock out. I never fell and broke my leg like fucking, you know, Arabius here. But he went up there cold. He hadn't skied in a while, and he got cocky. That's not true.

I had skied like two weekends before. No, it's not going to work. What do you mean? That's not going to work. That's the perfect answer for what you said. I am 42 years old. We just did it. I did three days two weeks earlier.

42. You're not 28. But I wasn't doing anything that crazy. We forget. It was a little fall. I know, yeah, yeah, a little fall. You're walking around my club. can water my germs.

Yeah. A little fall. Yeah, a little fall. And if you were smart, we'd be in the bed right now in the hospital collecting a couple fucking six figures, cucks. I'd be suiting the mountain and shit the whole thing. Half the mountain would have been mine at this point. Damn it.

I would have been in the Colorado hospital right now eating pot cookies. Think out about it with prescriptions and shit. When did they take the cast on? As a renter's easy, I mean, the first time we're up in Colorado doing it, And I was going right into the woods. All right, all right, all right. First run. It's the first run.

Just wait a minute, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You went through it. And that's what happened. And listen, man, you get so. I didn't. It was after lunch. When are you going to do it?

Do you only get two days? You'll get two days after lunch the first day. That's the right time to do it. Okay. I stand by my decisions. You take a little beginner run first. Yeah, I did that to get to wear. To warm up.

Yeah. That's that. You take a little medium run. Yeah. And you do another medium run. And then you call it a day. What? Because you're 42 and you have shit to do.

You go back. You take a nice hot shower. You take some of a leave. Listen to it. Yeah. You take a little leave. You get a nice fucking steak, stomach your style. After three, four runs, you're out of oxygen.

What? Your legs get all fucking acidic. You know, you can't move them. They feel heavy. It's your first day there. You don't want to burn out. Autopilot. Sony were like two to three to four runs. You're silent like a motherfucker.

You get oxygen depravity. It makes all the muscles burn in the same ratio. And then you end up being able to last out longer. Really? No shit. Yeah. That's if you're there for six weeks and you're acclimated. Yeah.

Not when you just stroll into town like, don't getzadich. And you go up there and look at your fucking, you know, like fucking hop a fucking hop alone Gessadich. Now you're fucking walking around with stilts. You're the first Jew with stilts. suing. You don't even know who the suit. You don't even know who the store. I would have stayed on that hill. I would have stayed on that hill if I'm Jewish with my leg up,

yelling and screaming, obscenities. I belong because of the beach. How long did they take them to get you down the hill after that? It took me like two hours. How embarrassing is that? I didn't ask him to take me down. I just skied down. Broken ankle. Okay. And then what? Why didn't you ask for them to take you down?

No, it was broken. And then when you got to the bottom, did you drive you? yourself for asthma? No, took off my skis, walked to the fucking rental place, walked down the stairs. People were behind me, not one person helped. Not one person helped, some struggling down the steps. Some fucking foreigner came up and said, excuse me, you look like you're in trouble. Do you need some help? I'm like, yeah, that'd be great. And I got my boot off, and then I walked around for a couple days.

Swelling went up, and swelling went down, and then bruising started and I was in Vancouver so four days later, five days later and you flew? No, and then I saw the hospital next to the Vancouver comedy mix So I went there

Sat next to fucking drug addicts Would you have gone to the hospital If it wasn't right next to the comedy club? Probably not Almost definitely not Almost definitely not But it was getting out of control And I did

That might have actually even why I went Because I was like It's not gonna get more convenient than this I'm on the road with nothing to do I may as well just go now That's terrible That's fucking terrible You could have broken

Brokeen I was walking around Five days God would have known God would have known You know When uh Bored didn't even that bad You flew from fucking Colorado

Vancouver Yeah So that means you could have got a blood clot in the air You're a lucky dude man It happened after Vancouver That's been Whistler So you broke it where Hoover. You broke it where?

And Whistler. Oh, so you went all the way to Canada to break your leg. Who's a fucking genius here? You went all the way to Whistler to break. I thought you broke it in Colorado. No, I did Colorado with no problems. That was easy in, easy out. Great time. Good runs.

Fucking awesome. Yeah. How many days? Three days. How many runs a day? All of them. All of them. No, you get more than that. I like the back bowls and shit.

Come on. Yeah. You ski. How many fucking run? How many times do you? Yeah, probably like 10, 10 or 12. Look at you. Because you just get back there for a long time.

Especially if you get back to first. You get a couple runs before anybody even gets on the line. It's a weekday. Yeah, you get a bunch. Smoke right on the lift. Try to get that only you, you know? No, you got to get with people. No, only you.

Then you can light up. How are you going to get with people? Listen to me. The most interesting times I've had been in those states. You know, I have one of them, I have a couple of vivid, fucking memories of that skiing stuff. Like a lot of this shit, I remember one time taking out

a line of people. My first, the second day of skiing. I thought I had that plow down to stop. And there was maybe 20 people. I took like 14 of them down. Oh my God, I was never so embarrassed. Okay.

That's one tremendous another fucking tremendous was waking up with a Hangover. How long you know, meaning? I never have a hangover. No, I never have. I woke up on a hangover, not even drugs. At that time, I wasn't doing Coke. I was on a strict

rea-alcohol only. But did you tell me weird just happen? What, what do you mean, weird? Like, did the only other sound go home or no? Okay, great. I didn't hear that either. Good to know. Wow. No.

Back to the show. Are you hearing things? Yeah, apparently. What did you hear? He was like, who? Maybe a speedy to bomb on a little. Anyway, so long. I'm fucking on the gills.

And I get on one of those gondas. You know, two looking at here, two looking at two and two. What? So there's two guys looking at you and two fucking looking at them. You know what I'm saying? And whatever, a fucking gondola. And it's three dudes. So I get in there.

I put my skis. I sit down. at first they're very how are you and I can see this dressing out they're kind of like you know what a sudden one doctor takes out he

I didn't know he was a doctor yet one of the guys takes out of fucking joint he goes do you mind and I go no not really and I took one of mine and he's like come on I'm the number let's do this and he goes we got like 13 minutes

to get out we started smoking on the gondola whatever the fuck it was gondola yeah hopper or whatever and we smoked them smoked them and that's when I asked them

what they did they were doctors they were visiting they only smoked them they went out of town they were lit they were lit you know even then I was getting some shit from the Willie Creek tavern with that dude on my main man Cato was picking up a bag a couple days a week

and that's one of my most vivid memories getting off the gondola with them and how fucking stone they were and like seeing them like two hours later in that little hut in the middle eating cheese burgers and fries and drinking and fucking like

buying me fucking lunch. Like buying lunch on us. Do you take a couple of un-sober? What's that? Would you take a couple run sober first? Because I don't like driving high. Once I went skiing maybe four times.

If you want me to lie to you, I'll lie to you. Once I went skiing four times, I figured out A, I didn't want to walk him in. wanted to hear nature. Yeah, I don't like to walkman. The idea of the walkman, no, no. Garbage, garbage, garbage. Yeah, I want to hear people around me.

Garbage. Agreed. Totally garbage. I agree. I didn't like music when I skied. Yeah. I agreed that I wanted my hat, my head covered, but I also agreed on one thing that I was getting stoned to the fucking guilt. Before you even got on the first lift? Please.

I would love to say a word before that way before I got on the first. I took one or two lift. ski lift. Let's get down to basics. Yeah, and then when you find a place, then you go. Let's get down the fucking basics. When I lived at Creekside, D12, that whole building was skiers. On the drive up, because they had a scam. What they did was they, in the winters, they drove the bus back and forth for people who went whitewater rafting.

And in the winters, they all had jobs at different mountains. So they could all ski at different mountains. It was a scam. These guys were running. They were beautiful. They were you at 18. It was, listen, I wish I was lying to you guys. It was 37 guys from the same neighborhood,

all around the same ages. Some guys that went to college, it didn't work out. They were a little confused. They didn't know what to do with their lives. They all picked up, and they got two apartments in the same building. And they slept everywhere. And that's all they did was work in the kitchen industry or whatever was there at night and skiing the daytime. And I admire that today.

I remember those guys. That's pretty cool. I don't remember their names. I remember one guy, Todd Bachman. Keels was the girl. I don't remember the two boyfriends. But I think about them so much because they would force me to go up there. And they're the ones that taught me that those first 10 day in and out to where the ski.

went out to ski, where you get high in those days, where you couldn't get high. They were beautiful. But when I lived at D-12 with those savages, we got high before we went up there. Then I went back to Jersey, and I went back to Snowmass. Forget it.

All bets were off. I lived at 435 Faraway Road, and it was ski on, ski off, my friend. All I had to do was walk out of my balcony, closed the fucking door. It was one of those sliding doors. my skis would be right there I'd pick him up

I'd walk maybe 15 feet I'd throw the skis down click onto both of them excuse me I'd push myself out and I'd maybe go 60 yards and the gongle will be right there

and I'd go to a different part of the fucking thing guys you have no idea how expensive was all this I didn't cost me a dime I was house in what I was not supposed to be walking at that balcony but you know me I don't give a fuck you live in California this was a right off so if you have access to that balcony you can get onto the

ski holy shit I had a ski pass anyway if you lived there you always got once you're a resident if you were a resident and whatever even if you were broke you skied right because somebody would give you a ticket let's say somebody would buy a

whole day ticket and a ski till 1 o'clock and go leave here get up there it's fucking beautiful and you take that ticket staple it to your shirt and go up with that ticket nobody's gonna look at it it's orange it's the color of the day every day they would switch colors on

in those days so whatever the color the day was and you know what I do I take the same jacket and I keep the things on it and after a while they stop looking they know you're a resident and I had a three mountain pass Ajax and the other one Aspen whatever and that motherfucker

Ajax was too scary for me. That was too real. Really? Why? That's too real. Go to Ajax. It's tough. Next time you go to Aspen, look up at Ajax, and ask yourself, why? Don't even try it. I want to go to Steamboat. You ever go to Steamboat? Beautiful. Really? I missed that.

All that fucking shit is beautiful, man. Steamboat, Gunnison, that part of Colorado is fucking beautiful, guys. Yeah. It really is. You know, I don't know what it's like now. When people are... I'm talking 30 fucking... years ago. Gunnison, my buddy, Mike, Mike, the knife. Remember he wrote the book with the

fucking knife? Yeah, him. All those guys. That's where they live. Yeah. And, you know, I miss that style living. I could have done it. Excuse me. What's up, Ari? You're looking good. You want another hit? Should we take a breather? What are you talking

about? Should we take the hash pipe of glove again? Should we do some ashes and take it to the next level? Not necessary. You know, I was in a Hawaii and some guy saw the acid one we did. He did what? Some guy in Hawaii at the hotel I worked in. I was living in. Saw the acid thing we did.

He was like, hey man, I saw that acid thing you did. I was checking and I was like, hey. You want to do some acid now? Yeah, let's go whip it out. No, we can't do it right now. Let's split it all up. Listen, Doug, let me taste. I go to that fucking night. This guy looked me in the eye and said just to do

one drop. What? That's it. He goes just do one drop. No more, no less. You can tell the guy I'm at business. Oh. And I respect him.

So what do you do, one drop right in your tongue? Or do you put it in your finger? Because what if you get... Put in your tongue, put in your... But what if you accidentally do more than one drop? No, no, no. We're just going to do one drop. I know, but how are you going to measure that out evenly?

Because your Uncle Joey's here to save you. Because we're going to eat a piece of paper. We're going to do the same. way they did it in the fucking set me. You know a blotter ass to this? So you take that one drop, you put it on a piece of paper, let it soak in,

then you eat the paper. Like that. Ring-pang-poon. Boom, boom. Who do you fuck? What do you think this? Wait, who did I think I was dealing with? Who do you think you're dealing with?

Wait, Lee, who did I think I was dealing with? You did that I was dealing with? I was thinking of somebody. And especially these albums right there. You see that paper right there, it's a little thicker. You take that album cover, you little piece of that.

We just do one little drop, you put it on your tongue, you look back, drink the water and that's it we'll put on fucking the end and we'll turn off the lights and we'll see what's cracking in this fucking world of... I saw the worst

movie after the beach. London is falling. London is falling. Oh, it was the worst. You were that by yourself, Sharon? Oh, I was laughing at it. It was the worst movie I've ever seen. Who is in the movie? It's Gerard Butler. Oh, Jesus Christ. He plays what?

He was a secret service agent. It was like a sequel to White House Down or something. One of those ones. What else is playing at the movie thing? I don't even know. But listen, he was, like, fighting terrorists. And he had a whole scene where he's like, all you terrorists are the same. You think a building matters or more than a building.

We'll come back. And he's like just making a speech to a terrorist. It was the worst. Who talks you until these movies? I just didn't want to fight the traffic on the one home to the beach. Listen, I'd rather sit there and look at it. fucking wall. Didn't you have a bag of of stars? I ate two. I would

eat two more and just sat there. I did. I just started laughing at it. There are only three people in the theater. What else was the movie theater? What movie was that? London has fallen. Oh, I've never heard of it. That's one if you wanted to make fun of with people. What else is it that movie, Theta? I have no idea. Fucking Darkpool.

What's his name? I've seen Deadpool. That was awesome. Joey doesn't want to see it, but it's awesome. I just want to see it. New superhero. He's not shitting on the memory of anything that you love. I'm 53. I need to see a superhero movie. When does it end? When does it end?

When do I give in and just fucking shoot myself? What do you want? What do you want then? Listen, when you're 52, I don't want you to watch a Superman cartoons. If you're over 19, I can't have you watching Superman. What do you want? Enough is enough. You can't watch a Super Bowl?

Superman cartoons. What? It's not a cartoon. Whatever the fuck it is. A fake anime. Whatever. I can't deal with that shit. A fucking Super Bowl.

Superhero. You're adults. Get it together. You're fucking adults. Everybody wants to believe in superheroes. You don't believe it. It's not, it's like wrestling. I can't. No, I don't want to be involved. You're aware that it's. I don't want to be involved. There's no, no, but I don't want to be involved at all. When I was 12, listen, when I was 12 and 13, I liked Spider-Man. Yeah.

Once I ate somebody's pussy, Spider-Man went away. You understand? That's what happens. I don't need Spider-Man with my life. I hate Spider-Man. What do I do? What do you do when, you know, she's gone, working her a regular job, and you're lying in bed? I think of the Silver Surfer. Come on, now.

I don't know. But I don't give a fuck about superhero movies. I went to see Batman in the beginning. That last one was with Michael Keating. I went to see the one with, you know, shit. Did you believe they put Michael Keaton in that? I didn't know what were 87, 88. I liked movies.

But listen, guys, that were... Like, by in 2000, you already see the fucking curve coming. Now they're just writing them. They got more superheroes than what they fucking know. What's his name? They don't even know. He's 92 years old. They just keep designing superheroes and they bring him prototypes.

Stanley? He's half-furted. Stanley's half-fattened. He probably has more money than anybody. Than God. They don't even know how much they're robbing him blind. I've heard through the grapevine. They're robbing him blind.

Even if they're robbing him blind, he still hasn't fucking... He probably had enough money where they cloned his body or something. I'll give you some inside him, poe. This is the type of motherfucker I am. I'm going to give it to you guys to record the podcast. I heard that those comic cons, he's got handlers. Yeah. And the handlers will go up to him and say,

Mr. Lee, we just got a call from whatever. We need for you to sign these prints. And it's a mook like you or me. that gives this guy like 10 G's for him to sign like 20 prints. What? Huh. And poor Stan Lee don't even know what the fuck you sign it. He just signed him what?

So how he's just a good actor then? Because his acting is always pretty okay. He always gets by in the movies, you're right? Like he seems pretty normal. Listen, take the prop up a fucking dead fucking... Yeah, with editing, with editing. Maybe. You could smile, take it through 10 takes.

And that was great. And that's it. All they need is one good one, ten. I mean, they're not writing fucking a lead fan, right? Yeah. They never write a lead for them, right? That would be hysterical they did, but no they don't. They always show them smiling, a wave in, or saying, what was that?

Because they're, you know, something like that. So relax. I'm telling you right now, I heard he's a frittata. There's the word on the street, and those guys that handle them, they do behind the fucking you know they do shady shit what the fucking naked deal

on enjoying bananas huh what's up are you sitting there all mopped up you didn't know the star you know you gotta hit the ass what are we doing

it's Monday night March 14th we gotta celebrate St. Paddy's Day even though there's no Irish people in the fucking room look at the shape of eyes Jesus Christ

he's done he's done he's just sitting there with a look on his face like going what happened this hash is taking two people out now Jesus Christ Nobody wants to smoke more

Hashes What are you talking about There is no more hash This is tremendous I guarantee your leg Don't hurt It does not That's what you're correct

Yeah Yeah you're correct You know what that is You know what that is You know what that is That's not the stars of death That's the remedy The trifecta remedy you gave me

Right there in that cup What That is the master of the Zet You forget The hash Early on, before this whole reef of revolution, you and I used to go to Hashmark, Kishmark. Cushmark. And they used to sell those little containers with two cookies for $10.

Oh, yeah. They were made from hash. They were oatmeal and chocolate chip. Everybody knew to get the oatmeal. They were tiny. Lee, tiny. Two cups. It was a cup.

You were like, how, what? They're tiny. They're tiny. The little cups. The little cups. It's called like the salsa cups, but the ones where you're like, please give me a bigger one. You know, like that's...

That's good because I'm sure they taste it terrible. They weren't that bad, not the oatmeal. Yeah. It was hash. It was this shit. I used one of those and went to Clash of Titans at Man's Chinese right there. With you, and we're fucked.

Lee, you have no fucking idea. Those hash things. Those hash things. Different level. Different level. Unfair. Deep into the murky waters of the end of the world. I have to get you some hash chocolate chip cookies.

Oh, Lee. Get him started with seven. What do you mean seven? Why not get him started right where he's going to go? Get him started with seven of the hash cookies. Because you know he's going to eventually get there. So let's just get him there right now. What are we at right now, Lee, 800?

Yeah, some of your 800 and like hash under a glass. We should do 200 more just to call it a fucking night. Sure. As anybody said, you look like Lex Luthor? Probably. Jewish Lik Lusufth. Lex Juthor? Lex Juthor?

Have you said that? Shut, shut out. What you got to? You just started it, but you can't tell. Oh. What you got to eat over at the house lately? What are you thinking about right now? Nothing.

I've been eating healthy for a while. It sucks. I haven't had soda for like four days. So how are you feeling without the soda? Actually, I had a lot of anxiety the first night, to be honest with you. Like, when I was out of soda, I haven't been out of soda in years. It scared me. Like, I had, like, I had, like, almost a panic attack.

Really? It, like, it scares a lot. And after, I don't, I look at, luckily, I haven't had headaches or anything. What do you substitute? No iced tea? Just water so far. Okay, you're as tough as fucking nails. Oh, I had one beer at Kettlebells.

A beer? Yeah. No, that's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying that if you're not substituting an iced tea, maybe for the caffeine buzz that you were getting. No, I need to find something. No, you don't. You're already off. four days.

Yeah, but... You're good, you're good. Yeah, we'll see. I haven't had a long day like today, so we'll see. I'm doing okay so far. Oh, yeah. How come,

what does that have to do with you not giving me that water? Which one? The one that nobody's gone to you. I would have given you water. I got water right over here. You can't have brought it up yet. You got out of nowhere.

Got the last one. I don't know. You're all jealous. How you admit it? Fucking, uh, San Jose. was a lot of goddamn fun.

Was it really? Yes, it was. You know, you always go up there and you go, fuck, it's a big place. You know, you always go up there with this weird attitude. And then about four years ago, you went up there and sold it out one Thursday night. Yeah. And that broke the bank. That turns the tide.

People were like, what the fuck happened last night? Everybody. That was like going to Montreal and getting a standing ovation. Same impact. Now they were all scrambling. What the fuck? the podcast what the fuck is going on how does this work why these kids doing this shit that was it that's the one that got it all going so when i went up to this week i'm like you know what man

there's uh harry fucking kill that place and no radio no nothing i had one radio call i love san jose and the guy that runs the place and the employees that's a great fucking club i like the hotel i like original joes and all my life i love my life i love my Cormick and Smith. I went on Friday for Lent. Yeah. I had the best Lent ever. I had the best Friday Lent ever. I'm not going to lie to you. I got for breakfast. And before I went to bed, I had to plan on my menu for Lent.

For breakfast, I got a, bam. Lox, bagel, cream cheese, extra red onion like a motherfucker. A couple capers for flavoring. And I banged that motherfucker out. Bam. For lunch, I went over to original Joe's Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Spaghetti Spaghetti and clam sauce half order

With a fucking insalada With light vinaigrette and shit No bread like an Ani Mali I ate that down I worked out I did the elliptical for 40 minutes Boom I smoked some refit Boom I went over the fucking McCormick

and Schmitz And got the you know me From 4 to 7 they got the $2 menu Well inflation has come And it's not a $2 menu no more It's the 25, 7, and 9 menu. So I dabbled on the $7 menu.

I got the... Hi-roller. Come on, you know me, dog. You're not going to run with the fucking wolves who you're going to run with. Yeah, who? I got the motherfucking mussels white wine. Oh.

Very nice. And I got something else. Oh, Shilly. I got the shrimp tacos with the spicy ranch dressing or something like that. You do not have. I had it on the side and I dipped the taco in it was delicious. I poured it on the fucking shrimp.

I should have sounded face. It was hollow with Lysayette. Ari Sharfia. Come back, Carri Shapiro. Have some more, Ari Sharfri. Come back, come back. Pilot the bombardier. Pilot the bombardier.

I'm in such a nice place. Let me tell you something. That fucking, those shrimp tacos. There was like two tacos at this McCormick and Schmitz's the happy hour. seven bucks two big tacos and I had the white muscles that's what I have for dinner Friday night that was it one piece of bread I dipped it in the there's one piece of burnt rent they give you as a Morderve like a show mon shoe to show you a piece of bread that's burnt they fucked with the wrong motherfucker I dipped it in that uh butter sauce

and it was delicious support McCormick and Schmitz I mean this is 1995 you know that McCormick expects they used to have the two dollars special in 95 from 4 to 7 and from 11 to close cheese burger $2 dollars order of fries $2 a coconut bottle $2

2 dollars two crab cakes $2 shit like that fuck yeah when you're broke that's what you eat McCormick and Smiths yeah oh yeah that's $2 dollar burgers $2 fucking burgers Lee Happy hour

What fucking think you deal with Lee We never did clarify who we thought we did we're dealing with. That's right. You've kind of screwed by the issue. Have you ever thought about doing what Tom Rhodes did already? What's that? Just go around. Go on the road? Not even have an apartment?

All the time. So why don't you do it? I don't know. I don't want to go full on. It's like to go places for a while. But you could get an Airbnb and just have an apartment there forever. There's no there. But yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. Just wherever I want.

I think it'd be awesome. Yeah. You know, I met with... Like, your guy's lifestyle seems awesome. Yeah. I met with, uh, Gordon. He's going to help me write the book and whatnot. Great guy I've known for a long time.

But it's funny how I told him, I said, you know, if you really think about it, I have three lives, and I'm proud of all. You know, I had my biography. I've got my drug life of 27 years. And then there was another. life I had. Oh, a comic. Oh, yeah.

And as June's going to be $25, $25 years. Really? $25 years this June. It's so funny. I read that. I mean, I could write a book just from June 18th of 1991 until today. I could write a book. And if I tell you what, the best time of my comedy life was when I lived out, what I listened

as a kid, like when it felt like I was an Norman brother's tour. When I came back here and I got into the store, I was very proud of myself for getting into the store, but I knew I wasn't good. I was never confused. I knew I was missing a couple components. And my confidence didn't get better at the store

in a way. I was still confused or who I was doing. I was in between Stan Hope and Dice and, you know, I didn't really know what the fuck I was doing. and I went to the improv one night And I got sandwiched Sandwich what was in those guys In between Nick Tepalo and Doug Stanho And I went into show

And I went home And at the time I was selling What was this? This has to be 98 and a half Okay I thought I was a bad motherfucker Like I had had a couple Fucking just tremendous bombs

All right like failures Like first off I couldn't follow Dom Ahrer in the main room or the black kid with dreads. I always suffered there on the weekends. From Tuesday to Thursday and Sunday nights, I would rip the fucking store apart like I owned it. The rest of the nights, I was a fucking peasant.

When I went to the improv that night, I had no place to live, so I used to sell screws on Ivor. If you go to Hollywood Boulevard and you make a left up the hill, like you go to the 101 in the middle there, there's a little compound. I used to park my car out there, I'd do the last line of Coke and sleep until about 4.45.

And then I'd go in and have coffee and donuts and soda. I'd refuel. And I'd get on the phone, I'd sell screws. What does that mean? Sell screws. Huh? What'd that mean to sell screws? I would sell screws on the phone to contractors.

What screws? Nuts, bolts, fucking whatever they needed. I had already sold cigars for like four or five months. Where did you get the notes and bolts? Some guy sold him in an office Like he had a company And the job was you went there and you sold You had to be there by five

Because it was 8 o'clock on the East Coast So you worked from 5 to about 12 o'clock and you went home And you couldn't make fucking two bills a day I was making 80, 90 You know me I didn't give a fuck But at the same time I was faxing people

For faxing people In those days the fax was huge So what bookers are those days wanted you to do was to fax them. So on Monday mornings, I would go there, I would sell one or two things, I would have 15, 20 minutes of sport, and I'd make a calendar in the month of June. Okay? And I'd put where I was going to be, and I'd put comedy store. On the nights I was in L.A., I'd put a fucking comedy store. And then if I was going to go on the road for somewhere or something, I had a manager at the time that was booking me, I would fax these people, and they

didn't book me for the first six months. But because I faxed them every fucking Monday from this place consistently, eventually they started giving me work. The place that would give me work first a lot was El Paso. And then it was from El Paso, you know, the club and a little bar and Austin gave me work. Then there was a little place in San Antonio. And then you start getting these little jobs. the happiest I was in

County was when I left that November that year and didn't come back to a fucking April who the fuck does that and just stayed out look at the shape of the boat you fucking mom was

this guy's phasing out you're seeing purple fucking things on the table but that was tremendous stayed up there to ski I can't imagine going out of the country and doing that what do you mean why that's the first time I did it was in Swiss Alps

A few years ago. No, no, no, no, I'm not talking about skiing. Oh, what? I'm talking just about going out and doing comedy for six, seven months. Why not? Just in Europe. Get the fuck away? I understand. No, no, no. I'm saying because I never had a passport, whatever. But when I lived here, when I

lived here, when I first got here for two and a half years, I lived on the road, guys. I didn't spend time in L.A. I mean, I went on the road old school. I would book six weeks, and stay out for 18 weeks. And I would book as I was out.

I would book as I was out. I had Roger Paul. I had the dude in Michigan. I had Tribble. I had the dude in El Paso. I had the Miami Improv. I had the Funny Bone in Little Rock, Arkansas. I had 29 fucking scams.

I had the guy in Buffalo. I had the guy in Toronto, the hypnotist, comedy wood. He would book you two weeks. Back to back, he'd pay you $600 a week American, but at least you were in Toronto. Look at the shape of Harry. He can't stop blinking. Jesus Christ. I'm why, I'm on her so fast.

Jesus fucking Christ, he's blinked people. You should see him. He hasn't stopped fucking blinky Lee. And the other guy, look at poor Lisa. Lisa, we're doing two more hundred what you think. You guys, I don't understand. I took four times the amount that I would advise myself to take. All right.

Right. And then that amount was 6% of what Lee took. I don't understand what's become of you. Five years, four years of joy, yes, what we're doing this? So how many milligrams of D lately? Just 800. 800 millionaires. Why not?

Who knows? Five percent. Who knows? And then Uber? No Uber. We know Uber. Only pussy's Uber. But I guess what? I'm not even Uber today.

No, this is good. This is good for this. So you won't know the star. Fuck, no. I got to do shit. What do you got to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What was the first time Joey dosed you? Do you remember? I feel like, I'm not just done on weed at first. But I remember him doing it in the old studio first, the switcheroo.

but by then he already does me plenty of times I mean like when you first met him yeah no I feel like those memories are all gone now do you remember Joey do you remember like what you used to do to die no think of me high it wasn't too high it was pretty high no he really evolved into torture on you

no though we were we used to always get you weed high weed high yeah wasn't the edibles yet I used to say you guys are taking out like an audition what are you smoking like some weed some gang gave me. Meanwhile, he was fucking killing motherfuckers on the other side of town. This was fucking on the top shelf.

Like one store. There was a place I was getting weed from on sunset. It used to be a weed shot, a weed head store. It's still there. Still fucking there. They sell bongs. They sell crankpipes.

They sell posters. They saw obscure shit. And the guy is really nice. But in the back, from they don't about the crack pipes in the back? They have crack pipes at 7-11. You don't even know them, stupid. Oh, the rose thing?

Yeah, they got crack pipes everywhere. But this place has like meth pipes, the really good ones, shit like that, you know? The best meth pipes. Yeah, and listen, that's what they do. Incense. And behind there, years ago,

was a weed store. A weed store that they did a really good job with. But they're claiming. to fame was this weed that an Arab chick was grown. This woman was fucking beautiful. And this weed was fucking beautiful. It was 25 pounds a gram. It was their super OG plus.

It was death. It was death. I still think about it sometime. And I'll never forget that the girl had to stop growing it because her parents found the operation. Really? And they made a shuddered down. That was the end.

She sold the seed to somebody else and whatever, and they got to find that. It was some fucking drama or something. The weed industry is so interesting. What's that, brother? The weed industry. Because it's going to explode. It's exploded right in front of your fucking eyes. America doesn't see it.

I remember he took a weed cookies in Chicago. This guy opened up his bin of weed cookies outside of that club. And you wouldn't eat any. Everybody was eating weed cookies. and you were like, no, but then when you waited until the guy ate one himself, as soon as the dude ate one himself, then you went in there and ate like two of them. Oh, my God.

We all got so fucking high, and you had a heart attack. I had a mild heart attack. I had a heart attack on the weekend. It knocked my balance off, guys. Yeah. One edible? Maybe two. Maybe, but I think one. First off, let's clear the A.

I've been eating pot edibles. I've been doing drugs for 30 years. You got to wake up early. in the morning to put one on me. I know what pretty much everything feels like. I did an eighth of an oxy cotton. I thought I was going to fucking die guys. I'm going to tell you something.

That cookie was close to killing me then. He knew how strong. There was something else in that cookie. You think so? Until this day, I know so. There was something else in that cookie. I came back fucked up, Lee. Fucked up to the point my equilibrium was off.

How quickly do you know it was wrong? Like immediately? When I woke up the next morning, I didn't fucking feel good at all. I barred. I had a headache. I didn't drink the night before. I don't drink. It was the Chicago Improv.

Yeah, Sean Burr. It was the Schaumburg Improv. And when we were leaving, we went to a bar. The waitstaff just hit me up the other day. The one of my way to the Asian guy. Yeah, I don't remember that. And some guy came with cookies in a cell of fame rapper. Like they came sealed, like.

like seal a meal type shit there was a professional dude and he came in he said try these cookies and people and I'm like guys don't eat those cookies and when I saw him pull one out of the middle and cut that thing open and start eating it was fucking Christmas I said fuck you give me one of those things I hate one it was delicious and nutritious and strong I took like six out to my room and within an hour I was on a different fucking planetly different planet I mean deep into the murky waters

and within another hour I was feeling something I hadn't felt in fucking years I was close to vomiting a little bit but I would talk myself out of it you know usually I didn't get anxiety I wasn't getting anxiety at night so there was something really strong the next morning I woke up took a shower

drank coffee smoked a cigarette it. I didn't feel too good. I went back to L.A. and I didn't feel good. The next day I went to Waxman, and that's when they did the EKG, and they gave me some medication, and what the fuck, God knows. And I wasn't doing blow then, not at all. That was the very

beginning of me not doing blow. We haven't been in Schaumburg in a long fucking time. Yeah. I did that's insane. You're going to be all right, though? Yeah, eventually. Okay. I'm seeing Crooked myself. You don't see me fucking stopping the part. and shit like that you're fine you're good do you go to a record store in San Jose or anything

we walked over the one day it was raining what's up to record store and San Jose yeah we walked over was raining and we stopped and that was I think he went over there I went over there next day I didn't find nothing for me I want to know with a list this time I was looking for Elton John I was looking for a little Sam garden I was looking for pink Floyd any of the the other ones I don't have from my favorites, and they had nothing. They had some other classics that I would have bought,

but they were high-priced. Is it just too crazy to buy online, too expensive? You know, listen, again, what are we talking about? We're talking about VINER. We're talking about the whole experience. Yeah. We're talking about, let me tell you something.

When I went to Atomic Records yesterday in Burbank, and I found Deaf Leopard High and Dry and Depp Leopard Pyromania In the D fucking area My head almost explored Look at the shape of those They're fucking beautiful

You've been doing that? How long? What do you mean? Records? People started giving them to me What? And so cool Damon gave us A...

What? It's a player A record player for Christmas and we people send you all these well I went down to me and got a few of those and what

this is the way it came 30 years ago when the album came out you know they just redid them yeah and they charge you up the ass but you know

look how much activity in album gaming in those days exclusive new poster and 100 gram heavyweight vinyl original packaging, and it was original packaging. Look at all this crazy artwork. Wow.

Oh, you can't see what I see. Okay. And there's a good thing, you can't really steal it. Like, you can, but you have to steal physical albums. So it's like... You could try. They're so big. How do you even put them in anything?

Do you steal records? Do you ever steal records? How did you steal records? They're so big. They're so big. What do you think of dealing with? We never really did clarify that. I know a lot of people thought I was dealing with

somebody that wasn't for you. In the West New York record label and the stores and places where I grew up, I would never try to clip there. The security of the stores were too small. I would drive to Paramus. I forget who used to drive me

in those days. And I go in there and I legitimately buy an album what I was really looking for. Yeah. $6.99, $7.99. Trust me. It's worth buying the fucking $8 album. I would walk out with the receipt and the album in the bag.

But then I'd bump into Lee mysteriously. And they go, holy shit, what's out, nothing? I go, you know what, let me go back in there. You know, it's three of us talking about. And you guys go. Now, when I went in to buy this album the first time, you know what I did? I took the albums I wanted and I put them on one bin. So I'll start with four or five of them.

albums. Yeah. All right. I'll put them all on one bed. Yeah. And then, once a bunch of people going on the line, the security was watching this way, I would go with the bag I had. Yeah. Okay? And I would

go through again, and this time, I would put an album up on the thing and put what I paid for down already. But the albums would be under the bag. So, Basically, I would be holding this album in a bag, but with this hand, I'd be holding four albums, like a fucking magician.

And I'd put them down like this. I'd pay for the album. When they gave me the next album, I'd grab them all like this, and I'd walk out of the store. I'd pick them up like this, and I'd walk out, and security would look at me, walking out this way. But you see my thumb, it would really be holding three or four hours. Absolutely.

Yeah. That was the one way. That was the one. fast way but our main way was Pathmark on Tunley Avenue How you get them? Pathmark telling the Amity in the daytime you went in there You shopped yeah but

If you went over them the magazine aisle And the album aisle was right next to this To civilization and all You had to do is a gate separated That gate you could slip albums out to that gate That's how bad that gate was So again you're going into the daytime You take the albums you want

And you put them right by the fucking gate there you come in, you buy a steak a gallon of ice cream, some tampons, you buy them on the way out, you come back and pick the fucking thing, arms up and walk the fuck out of the bathroom. Yeah, well. And it's two in the morning, so there's no security.

You just dump them right outside. And then you go around and you pick them up. No, no, no, no. You walk right out of the store with 12 or 15 pounds. What? Yeah, I'm in. Right, how do you want to do it? Let's take it later. You have no idea what I'm going to...

If you want to back to that, pathmark today. Would you A. Pay them extra for something? Or B, steal something for old time sick? I would pay for whatever they had to offer. Can you imagine me at this age getting caught for fucking shop with them? You know how embarrassing that. You shoplits

it as of four years ago. You would steal from the Burbank airport. I would steal from a couple of airports. I was a principal. Sir, so those tick tax. Ticktacks. To say Sharp you said. on. Let me tell you. Let me let me legitimize the steal situation. First of all, it's not stealing. First

of all, you're robbing me, cuck, sucker. That's a good point. That's a good point. I'll give you that. It's way too much money. You're charging me $3.29. It's way too much money. For a package of search. So guess what I'm going to do? Yeah. I'm going to pay for $3.29, but I'm going to take one on the house. Yeah. And that'll even off the car.

Absolutely. So you're three, but I'll pay you $329 for one. Okay, you'll give me for the water, but you have to admit. While you're not looking at my pocket, the water. the water is $3.29. That's right. That's just $1. That's right. That's right. It's fucked crazy. Don't even worry about the pocket.

They're not a muffin. Illegal for you to bring that water from a subway. Let me tell you something. Or you put the water in the pocket. So can you go on to the plane with a sandwich you didn't buy at the airport? Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. So you can bring, you can buy something. You can buy a fucking bologna, salami.

Okay, you can make something at the house. Yeah. You can make some because, yeah, Southwest. Jews always did that. Yeah. Southwest don't feed you, so that's a long... Subway's not featured, yeah, you've got to bring it out. That's impressive.

So what? Bring a fucking sandwich like in the old days. Make a salami sandwich on bagel? A little bit of hot sauce, ketchup. I'm going to bring a sandwich and I'm going to stink up that whole stop. Bagel, yeah. You're going to fart it up anyway. Let them get a taste of what's coming.

Fuck, Jack. Wait until they get a load of Uncle Joey. Motherfuckers. What's up, Lisa? You're looking all dapper tonight when you're a little head dula roo. You haven't seen Mama. She left you this one. weekend you know I went to do I went to the beach yeah I went to the beach and I turned out

you're missing this week yeah you're a good man you know you love it yeah I did you're talking about moving in with her in Burbank living close to really who's that who's place whose place who's place not no I live in Valley Village so so her place no we were new place yeah new place no for a while but yeah I love this kind of bell thing man you're gonna move the mother in with you guys over that to the world. Don't be bullshit me. It'd be cool to have her clothes for the food, but Vennanized is cool enough.

You don't want to move over to Burbank with you? No. Got her a little bedroom. She likes what she is. Nah, show that way you guys. No. That's not. You're enjoying this Cadabelle class. Oh, fuck, yeah.

Are you losing weight? You're going to lose weight? No, well, I have to fix my diet now because I got hungry as shit. Because I did it four times. last week. So I got real hungry. Oh, at night. After 11 o'clock, you gotta take sleeping pills. Oh, so? After 10.30, the hunger

is fucking damaging. Plus, I did edible, so it didn't... Yeah, that don't help it. So I'm gonna try this new thing you're talking about. The 100, whatever, 100 carbs, 150, protein. What? 70 grams of fat.

A diet. Damn. That's so exact. You're so lucky that you're skinny. I sure. I sure have. My metabolism is way better than both of yours. Maybe combined. Why don't you have candy here?

Because we'll eat all of it at all times. We need fucking candy. Some guy came to the show This uh, the Flipper, that Flappard. Robert Colon, and he gave us albums, which I left at the house. But in each bag,

and he gave us loose Reese's pieces. The little tiny one. Let me explain some to you. I went back. back to the room. Oh, it's just pieces. And I devoured the whole box on my bed like a fucking animal. So peanut buttery. Oh, my God.

They were delicious. I never do that shit. I never bring food like the other room. I may bring, like, nothing. I hate food in my fucking room. Oh, really? I do it all the time. It's everywhere.

You have to invade it. The boxes. No. All sorts of stuff. Listen. Wings have eaten. When that fucking rat ate through my pot cookie and Sandy. Diego. What? What? Yeah, that time.

Are they on those? Huh? Are they on those? No, no. This was the Hilton. Like, right right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Hilton right next to the American Comedy Club. There's a Hilton up the block. And not even. Well, years ago, I'm talking eight years ago, Frank Kelly booked the John Lovitz Comedy Club in San Diego. Uh-huh.

John Lovitz used to have a comedy club of San Diego. That was a horrifically bad. Horrifically bad. It was like a nightclub. that they turned, Ralphie quit, Rogan quit, a bunch of people were like, fuck you, that's a dance club, you know?

So, what are you talking about? Oh, Frank Kelly booked me for a weekend there. Yeah. Which I ate 10,000 dicks. But the whole hotel he put me out was that help.

Yeah. And I left a cookie in the cabinet. And the next morning, as I was leaving, I went to get the cookie, and he ate right through the baggie, and ate like the bottom of the fucking cookies. A rat.

I didn't hear him in the room, nothing. After that, I was like, fuck you. Because I saw the rats in the condo in La Jolla. Oh, no way. With my own eyes. Oh, I never saw one. I saw two rats in a condo in the lawyer. I was just there.

That would scare this shit. Rat, oh, I would not want to stay there. I'm not talking about my way. Why do you think I never stayed there? You think I want to fucking sell up. You think I don't want to save $200 fucking dollars. Oh, my God. I went to the condo in La Jolla one time.

I'm probably there. I'm probably there now. And I forget who the feature act was, but he came back and he goes, hey, I stopped at the condo. I stopped at the store for the keys and they set traps here because suppose they have rats and mice. He goes, the guy's going to come over in 20 minutes. Do you mind? I go, no, no, no. Fuck, whatever he wants to do.

You know, I didn't know what to expect. You should have seen the size of these motherfuckers. And that night, at about four, I went to the bathroom, and I was in the headliner room and just had a curiosity. I went into the kitchen, and there was a fucking rat on the counter. And there was a little bit of light coming in, and that rat, the light caught that rat's eyes. Dog, I went back inside.

I jumped on that bed. I waited for that sunlight to come on. I packed my shit. The condo. The condo. I took that car. I had a Tyree, Wyoming emergency funds to Western fucking Union. I made a look-up of a hotel online.

I went there and stayed. And I never stayed at the condo again. So here we go. Here we go. No worries. I'm not at the condo for about two years. One night, I'm working at the fucking store. I'm going to drive back on a Friday night.

Stephanie Escaheda is featuring. I don't know who I'm seeing. there's other people there from the comedy store and they're all at the fucking condo. I go back to the fucking condo because I took a shower and I left my sleep out in the machine. I thought I was in the stay.

I go, no. I go back there. They asked me to open up the sliding door. I open up the sliding door and on the fucking balcony there's a fucking rat Ari Shafir that would scare the living shit out of you, right on the balcony, right there

in the little walkway in between the headlining's door. and the living room door, they still have that connection, but they redo it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't even know what fucking plan on you're on right now. I barely do. I barely do.

How are you going to fucking make this happen fun? It's the highest you've ever been already. It's that thing. I haven't taken any edibles in a while. It's four things. It's four times my normal dose. It's not just because you guys take 25 times your normal dose. It doesn't lessen that it's way, way past what I would ever take to get super high.

I get on a plane. I want to zonk out 50 milligrams. The girls at the dispensary, I think I'm weird. Why do they even come like that? They think you're weird? Well, maybe I'm just paranoid. But I come in and I buy like a pack of 600 like three times a week. What do you do with these?

Me and the fucking security grid on our first name basis. Shout out to Eddie. What's up Eddie? He watches. He asked me. He goes like, Lee hasn't been in for a few days. I said, that's going to throw him a sack of fucking. stars. He's at home

right now. He built this. He's a soldier this least I had done. He ain't got time to fuck around with Uncle Joey. The problem with the red ones, though, is I have to eat five of them to even feel anything. What? How much of the red ones? 125. You see, five of those

to feel anything. Well, we're feeling. One way to get a little high. No, I know. I got that. Yeah, I get the feeling. I get that. I get that. But at 625 is your like, Yeah, I mean, let's do it if we're going to do it. That's what that is.

You're pretty much now. After four years of constant marijuana training. It's not like you film in a documentary either. It's like you just want to do it for yourself. You're like, I'll keep them around and see what happens. You get to a thousand. I've been to a thousand. Yeah, you've been to a thousand.

You've crossed the four digits. Yeah. Damn. Wow Pretty soon when I eat that whole 5,000 milligrams charged In one show Do you ever hear stuff that's not around?

Apparently one star on the show But not before that What are you tormenting them on? No, I like it now It's fun I think it'd be great Just down a dispensary Yeah, we should

The first time you're in that, up how many milligrams was. You told me, I don't know, you used to change me yet. I used to ask, because, you know, I hear all these things, and you're like, who cares, who knows, they don't have, I don't know, I just eat it, so I don't know, probably 50. No, no, I'm going to be your first time,

you were doing 50s and 35s, I had your light. Light. It's the biggest thing make in Colorado. They don't even make them that. But it was like 10. The first thing I ever gave you was the 35s. I used to split the 35s and that. Okay.

And then I knew that they came in 180. After about a month, five weeks of 35, I said, fuck it. I took it like a weight regimen. For example, if you went to the YMCA tomorrow, today, it's Monday, right? And you start lifting today. Right. And you did like three weeks of fucking lifting. And after the fourth week on Monday, we start stacking the weights and see what you can live.

and you lift, you know, 300 pounds, you know, whatever. After that, we're going to cater to the workout to that, too. So what I decided was, since I was his trainer and his godfather, was I took the labels off to 180, and I cut them in half and put 35s around them. Sure. And I jumped them up from 35 milligrams straight up to 90. You understand? Jesus.

I had them there. Then I was giving them those 200 million. milligrams cookies that were definitely 6,000 milligrams. They were definitely... Really? Just dosing? Oh my God. I know. So you never give anybody the right about? No, no. I didn't know for a frat. Listen, you go to the store and they tell you that these cookies we used to get there with these circle cookies.

Maybe it's because of the frosting. What were they called? Remember, they gave us a box and nice guys in San Diego. They were like this. There were 200 million. So kind. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Ari, do you know how many fucking times? Me and Lee split a so kind kind cookie, and Lee couldn't fucking talk, I couldn't talk.

That's a lot more. Just a so kind cookie? Split it down the middle. Me and me. One. One. Fucked up. We get fucked up.

What about the whole brownie excursion we went to when you gave the chicked of lemon bread? No, the banana bread. No, you gave it a corner of something. The banana bread. It was a banana bread. We were in training for years.

Oh, my God. But I gave it a chicken. They were so little. I gave her so little. We made an astronomical T-8C jump. It was a banana bread. That was a plague on the scene. People were getting a swift of it, and it was just wrecking people.

Any amount. It was delicious with the chocolate chips. We took it to six flags. We took it to six flags. It was delicious with the chocolate chips. That whole trip in New York, we were fucking cutting all slices to do the documentary. How about the ride home, the scary? The what?

The scariest ride home. When you give it to me in the morning, we almost missed our flight. Fucking unbelievable. Lee's doing 800 milligrams of TAC off the bat. Talking to motherfuckers. Yeah. Well, I honestly think that at a certain point, the body's like, hey, you fed weight too much. So we're just going to turn that off right now.

So I think I'm pretty much over that threshold. I think so. No, this is what you do. Yeah. We used to take it back into training. Yeah. We go back to 125s. wait, what?

Just the one star for one time. That's not going to do shit for a while. The body adapts. It'll take about three times. By the fourth time, you'll be fucked up at 120. That is a good thing about weed. If your tolerance goes right back down.

Right back down. I love coming back to L.A. Whatever I do, it's like, oh, it's great for the first week or two. I got you in training. At least I am. I got you in training. We never take breaks.

Who takes a break? People don't take breaks. Do you think Nick Diaz takes a break? Do you think Nick Diaz takes a break? Come on, man. He's always box. shadow boxing, doing jumping jacks, challenging the future. He didn't want to go.

Doing push-offs. That's what he said, but he was doing something. He was running. He was doing something. He was trying. He's out there trying. He was out there trying every day. He was getting his chick sucked and smoking weed and jumping up and down.

But I guarantee that motherfucker was running 10 miles four times a week, three times a week. Around 209 miles a week. How could he ever do anything else? He's got built-in cardio. He didn't go in there and look that smooth in the second round, throwing all those. punches. He did, though. He wasn't in shape. He was in shape. What do you think about McGregor refusing a fight

with him again? I don't know if that's true. No, thanks. Yeah. I think that's smart. If he did, he's like, well, he shouldn't do it again. Like, you lost. Well, it wasn't that close. He could try to hide his jiu-tube. You could go back to your division. Clearly, have even defended your own title once.

So if I can go back two divisions back and fucking clean up that a little bit, then move to 155 if you want. I'm 70 I don't know where You're a known anti-woman's MMA

For now Connor McGregor is not Women's MMA I'm switching To I'm switching to I'm switching 90% sure What do you think of

Women's MMA now I like I haven't an update It's a little more interesting It's a little more interesting But like Nunez is good I like her

Yeah maybe Because now what happens If like So Ron No it's some parody at least Ronda beats Misha again Maybe if she trains. And then Holly Home goes and beats Rhonda again.

And then Mousha comes and beats Holly. Like, it could do that. Mutualini makes a comeback and gives Hitler a shadow life. And Hitler makes a comeback and takes down Obama. What the fuck are you thinking? That sounds kind of cool. I think Rhonda Rousey should have to face Holly Home now. Me too.

She hasn't done enough. Six times she fought. Six and no. Then six and one. That's good. That's not amazing. You don't have a different. immediate rematch for that.

No. Listen, I deny it. Who gives a fuck about any of that goddamn nonsense? You should have to fight once first. What we're talking about is Lee in edibles and what he's done. There's nights I'm not even around and Lee is in training blasting animals. Well, it's fun. That's the thing.

Lee, why? Are you staying in shape? Are you training all the time? Well, here's the thing. I'm basically working out right now, but I'm still eating kind of bad, so I'm kind of staying the same. So that's what I'm trying to get my... but whatever.

But I still do edible because it's fun. How early in the day do you do your first one? Oh, no, I don't like it early in the day because then... How early did you do your first one? What's that? How early in the day do you take your first edible? You know, I can do it at 8 in the morning. No, but then you have to take so much that day.

That's why you have to take 800, because if you do it at early, it takes a lot more to later at night. But I don't take them that early no more. Oh, what you said? Unless I got something. No, I had shit to do it today. I'm going to take them 8 in the fucking morning, unless I'm a savage somewhere.

I got nothing to do and I'm going to take a nap in the afternoon. Fuck yeah. I'll take three of those 200 in the morning after breakfast in the hotel room and find out I could sleep from 11 to maybe 4.30 or something like that. Look at the shape of R.E. Shafir.

It's smoke weed every day, not smoke weed all day. Well, whatever the fuck it is. Now, let me ask you this. When are we going to shoot the new season of these fucking things? May. May that quick. You ready?

Yeah, come both stories. If your stories they want you to have. I don't have what I can get. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe you'll say long stories. Don't make them part one and two. Yeah.

Like Pink Floyd. Yeah, maybe I'll do that. You might do that. That's not a bad idea. See, I'm always thinking. I'm an idea guy. Yeah. Part one, part two.

For two people on instead of three. I haven't even thought about when I was really banging my head the last two days. Really? Yeah. You gotta think. I really don't know. Yeah. It's, uh...

Think about New York stories About comedy store stories Obviously drugs will be in there somewhere I don't want to talk about the comedy store Not like that Everybody's heard that We're talking about the comedy store Three times a fucking week every podcast

So forget that fucking topic I love the comedy store I just always talk about What is it drugs? Yeah I'm the master of drugs drugs, but it's too easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, it's easy. Do the topic you least wanted to. Probably family again. Maybe jobs. Might do jobs. Strangers. What kind of strangers? Maybe somebody you met right then.

Some shit happened with him. A guy who'd never met before. And you had a thing with him one day. Ten days. But, eating some stranger. I don't know, maybe that. Near-death experiences. Maybe Vegas stories.

I don't know. I'm open to anything. Open anything. Right now. You got to think deep. May. What are we at now? March.

April? Two months. Two months and ten days. That's not a lot of time. No. we gotta think about fucking something you're thinking what's your what's your process

you go for like thinking it when you because it's weird to think about a story so like how do you guys go about trying to think about what you're telling to tell I just go to like I start thinking about different times in my life Martin the Fag was one of the most painful stories I ever had to tell why

because it was fucking embarrassing and what I did it was so fucking embarrassing because at the end of the week, what do I really get them for? $3,000, $5,000. He would have gave me that if I would have asked him. I went to him and said, listen, man.

I just want to snort coke for three fucking days with my buddy. He would have probably gave me a quarter-round. He was that tight with my mom and shit, you know, for me to rob him like that. I really liked them. Do you know I never saw him with another man? Really? All those years I knew. Yeah, he kept it really private.

My mom never saw him with another man. You know, so it was that type of relationship. He had a weird respect for me, man. So for me to pull that stuff, it was fucking embarrassing. Bullshit move. Bullshit move, tremendously bullshit move. I feel horrible now. Like I said, in 91, that was my...

I got a rental car, and I shot down to my mother's cemetery, and from there I got the car, and I went right to Martin's house. I knocked in the door and I could see there was a woman's house now There was woman's hats And the whole thing And she answered very nicely And I asked how long she lived there

She said about five years I asked her where the tenant went She said she didn't even know the tenant That when she looked at the apartment It was empty And I didn't know where to ask And from what I heard The brother used to have the store in the neighborhood

He smacked the wife got arrested for assault and supposedly hung himself in jail and that's when they all left so was a horrible fucking ending for everybody I guess Oh Oh Is every worry about getting arrested when you bring

Or allegedly may have something with you when you travel Nah At this point I'm like whatever You know Kisser-s-rah-sor-rah We mean allegedly having something. I don't want to say anything. You can say that you want to.

I don't travel with weed. Okay. I might travel with a vaping pen or something. I don't ever travel with weed. There's weed waiting for me when I get there. This stars a debt that miraculously get there. How do they get there? I don't know.

I don't ask questions. As long as they're there, that's all I care. You follow me? Right or wrong. Sure. I agree with you. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with some novice? I don't.

I'm not. business to get arrested and I don't want I'll take an edible before I get in the plane I got fucked up before I got on the plane out I even carried on the plane I'm in California I'm in California I'm in California I tell me to eat it halfway for anxiety The plane to China or Australia is great

You keep going back to it on one of those Those Gomez Romano for a normal even a regular stoner Jesus would last you the whole way up there It would not last you guys It would not be enough for one dose for you guys Jesus, fucking Christ You would need two of those things You okay?

Yeah, yeah How long is the flight? 13 hours. No, no, no, no. We would need like, oh, that's long. First off, I would never sign up for that program. Because I would freak out. I would emotionally freak out, I think.

I'd have to sleep seven of those 13 hours for me to fucking make it. What are those? 200 or 250? What? Those fucking... The stars... No, the... The Coker guy.

I ate one of those the on night and two or three of these stars of death. I was on my way. I left the fucking chocolate in the hotel. The candy bars they gave me, the express... You can tell people one arm. You can tell them people one leg.

You can say, take the whole head. You can really help people on that one. That's a good one. I like that one. Yeah, if I got on a plane for 13 hours, here would be my plan. Yeah. my plan would be the

number one to stay up for like two or three hours that's the plan right there and about the three hour mark I drop fucking two bazookas sleeping pills now are you high when you got to the plane let you take an edible before you leave to get to the plane

do I take an edible yeah why not when I were drive to LAX I would be smoking in the car. Like I would sit there, park, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke. Get out of my car, smoke, smoke, smoke, finish. And then take the shuttle right into the airport as I'm chewing on an edible for 45 minutes from now. You never worry, like, if you're going to have to, like, make, have, like, a normal conversation?

No, that's the adventure. You make it more interesting this way. Okay. It's so mundane otherwise. How, how do you normally get? Like, this is not as high as you, because all the only high I know, essentially is the highest There's never like a mild day

So do you get like high just like in this is as high as I would ever If I took this much on a plane I'm like Oh I took too much This is gonna get weird And I would have the sweats I would get worried about something I would spin out I'd have to sit on the floor sweating through my shirt

Like right now I'm chill Right now yeah Now I'm okay If I get this high I'm like oh If I get a Windows seat day time Windows seat daytime. I'll take this level of high. Right now, this level of high,

windowsy day time, I'll take it all day. All day. And you'll fall right to sleep. No, just watch the way out the window. Fucking 13 hours. That was the best part about the beach. Oh, not 13 hours. They were doing 19 hours, and they were drunk.

Joey. Joey got my playing for 19 hours. She's the fucking drunk. I guarantee they'd turn that plane around. And drop her off from fucking Bulgaria or something. Let me get some shoutouts out of here real quick I didn't know

I was fucking looking at this moving along here tonight Everybody watch my show Tuesday nights Where you go? Oh I don't get professional Oh okay Robert Colon I love you Thank you for the fucking albums

I didn't bring them tonight I'll bring them tomorrow night The Ortega family Sergio Lori Noah Joshua I love you guys Thank you for the beautiful meet the Beatles Bob Lalingis Mr. L. You're a savage. J.T. as usual, Shane McBernett, Bricks and Bullets, Mattel, Oliveris,

John Jarman, and Stephen Richard, your bad motherfucker. As usual, the reason why my main man is here tonight is to promote Rex the Richard story. Basically, it started in a fucking room with no alcohol. I ended up with a fucking cheater. I ended up with a fucking cheater. I ended up On calmly central, 11 o'clock at night. What the fuck have you done lately? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You got to read alcohol.

There was no alcohol back there. No, you're right. They weren't allowed that. With me, Mark Maren, Steve Aguette. Uh-huh. You know, I don't know a fucking alcohol on that night and that motherfucker was people high on battery acid.

Yeah. Or they're not even allowed in from the other room. No. It was crazy. So it was a pretty fun night. I don't know if I told the story before, but that was the, I didn't know I have the first show in Chile in L.A.

You went to that show? The one of the improv. It was workstories Workstories Okay That was the first show you went to in LA It's a fun show right It's a fun show

Well It's two-angles stories Yeah What are the two angles There's two angles There's two ways I'd like to see this done I'd like to see this done

Where you give me six weeks Yeah And I'd like to see this done Where you give me Ten fucking minutes And shut my lights out Oh, what? What do you mean?

That would be fucking amazing. Does it go up and tell a story about a road trip? Yeah, in 10 minutes. You get down on the Tuesday night, you go, good evening. This is not happening live. This is where we tell the contestants tonight what we're going to talk about right now as we speak. So get ready. I'm about to do my story and let them get their story.

Tonight's story is about vomiting, boom, or whatever. fuck you want to talk about childhood childhood sports childhood deceit childhood what did you do what you didn't like about your childhood you know just something just put people on the spot and that's when they're real that's when they even am you know you really

don't have time to think but the emotion comes through because you're taking it there you know you really never those storyteller shows could be easy or they could be hard sometimes they're hard ones they're hard they're hard yeah it was tough for me to tell that story. I know there's been stories for you that you have to

they're so dark what you're doing is adding color to it. Yeah. It's such a dark story and basically we're adding color to this dark story so you don't think we're completely fucking nuts and you don't think you're nuts for sitting there listening to this shit.

That's the brilliant of storytelling like that. Like I always tell people, everybody tuned in on Sunday night to see Tony Soprano cheat on his wife. Nobody don't want people cheat on their wife, but Tony Soprano

we don't give a fuck. Right. You know, it's amazing what you could, there's a friend of mine who's got a nice something about how you could deceive or whatever. It's true. There's people that accept different things from different people, but that's all aside.

Storytelling is something that I think this is, there's some club that's doing it. What do you mean? I just went. And they talked to. about one night a week, they do storytelling. Yeah, it's great. Where was I?

Yeah. I saw it a few years ago. I like a festival. I was like, oh, it's turning this way. Yeah, no. We're doing stories now. It's got to be an aspect. It's got to be an aspect of comedy.

Yeah. It's got to be an aspect of comedy. I got bored with storytelling. Yeah. Because my storytelling is about nothing constructed. It's about robbing people or scamming a Christmas tree on a yard. or smacking somebody, you're getting beat up by my ex-wife's husband and the friend, you know, it's always, it's nothing pleasant, you know,

but that's the other hand of it, that's what makes a story more enjoyable, you turning it pleasant in my eyes. Yeah, you know. What do you think, Lisa? You're sitting there like, yeah, making it interesting. You're interesting to watch it. buddy, you've been to all the storytellers tapings. You had a good time

there, right? Yeah, I like the tapings. I think it's just really cool. I watched Henry Rollins' one. Henry Rollins, yeah. His and Jim Brewers. I watched those two online. Yeah. And they were people

who I had never heard of before. Oh, really? I find that I kind of get into like a, not a rut, but if I like two or three people, That's what I listen to. Yeah. So I'm not open to more people.

So when it's online or something, you can see it. So I think that, I mean, that's how I find all you guys. Oh, really? Yeah. Absolutely. That's how everyone found you. Yeah. I think it's really cool.

I think it's smart that you guys are doing it online. Yeah. I think eventually you wouldn't even need to be on the cable network if you didn't want to be. It depends how many people watch it. They're all on YouTube right now so far. Most of them. Not all the ones on TV yet. So what do you, how do you feel as like, now you're...

70 of them. There's 70 stories on YouTube. Now you're an executive producer and like you need the show. That's right, bro. To get me. Hey, I'm an executive producer. They call it eggs pro. EP.

I'm an EP. I'm an EP, that's right. That's right. That's what I'm an EP, bro. So, like, you need the... I got a button down shirt. You guys, I'm an EP. I can't act like that anymore.

I'm an EP. You need the show to get views, but you also like stealing stuff off the internet. Yeah. So how do you feel about the stuff getting stolen? Does a view still happen that way? But it doesn't count for your show getting picked up. What does that mean? Doesn't count.

It doesn't count. Oh, no. I just want views. Just people watch it. You know, people watch whatever they watch, whatever they watch it. Because you could also, like, let's say. You get the way you get stuff. Some people watch on TV and some people watch on YouTube.

And some people steal it. That's just the way of the world. You just don't care about it. Oh, man. However you get stuff. Just go get it. Just go get it. It's hard because I do it sometimes, but then it bums me out when it happens to the stuff

that I'm involved with. In Canada, there's an app called BetterNet. In Canada and Australia, it lets you go around these crazy firewalls. It's free. Betternet. Spread the word. Yeah, but they're on YouTube right now.

Big long versions of it. Joey Diaz's the story. Z. Z. I'm right. Is it up there? Like five ago. Anyway. What do you think, Lisa, I am?

Are you ready to go home? How are you feeling? I'm good. I'm fun. Tell me the truth. You know. You don't have to read. That's that time.

We watched cartoons for like two hours. When was this? You watched Adventure Time? Yeah, I got way too fucked up, and he was nice. He stayed with me. We watched Adventure Time. Oh, yeah. I wasn't that great either.

Way, yeah. I was hot and Wednesday. Yeah. And Adventure Time was so good. After I left that night. Yeah. You guys stayed at all the time. Oh, I put it over the podcast.

I was here until like two or three, I think. Oh, I left the two. You must have been like four. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. you look's like 10 no 12

acid's a weird one the only one I haven't really done is the mushrooms what I've done a like small doses but I haven't done like the crazy like see stuff why how can you justify that how can you justify what you just said how can you justify still having that once you heard yourself say it out loud I have no idea

you heard how ridiculous it is right yeah when you said it out loud well here's the thing actually how do you deal with this I'm getting up a lot you getting what for like people hey send me stuff and like I'm

what do you mean what do they send That, Dee? On Twitter, no, they're asking for, like, whatever. No, dude, don't send them stuff. Obviously. That's not how they do with it. But, like, I think there are cops trying to get me to say something, so I just never, I almost block them.

Oh, yeah, well, whatever, do whatever you want. That's weird. But don't send them stuff. So, but that's, that's why I don't, I don't know how I would ever get it. I don't know how to trust somebody. What are you talking about? Lee, if your mother had to die, if you couldn't find mushrooms, you would say, I don't know how to.

Okay, I don't want to bother You like the person I would ask He's like you or me like I mean you Joe Ask and then what's the worst case scenario if asking me No but I don't want to bother you I know but I'd be like hey Lee I can't really handle it right now Sorry I can't deal with it But I was rude

Lee I can't deal with this right now You saw a little bit That's what he bothered me? What if you got that? What if you got that? Lee Last week I can't right now Lee It'd be fine You done that last week and you said something about Seth

Something like that one do you want to go What the fuck Lee It's four days ago I don't even know I said 20 minutes ago. Yeah, that's the worst case scenario. And then you can ask the next fucking degenerate, you know. Or, I would say, yeah, hold on. Let me give me and make a fucking fault calls.

I guess I could. I never even thought about it. Ask a friend, who knows that shit. Everyone has that friend. That's the only one. It's everywhere. I don't really want to do like heroin or anything. LA is swimming in mushrooms right now.

I'll be honest with you guys. It is ripe in this place. They're everywhere. Oh, okay. Put the word out. They're everywhere right now. So everybody gets your mushrooms. I want to get some mushrooms.

Fuck, yeah. Yeah. Everybody, put your feelings out right now because they're swimming in it. Drug dealers. Keep the supply coming. Oh, fuck. You get a good grandma mushrooms. The warm season is coming.

People want to get a jump on it. We'll go to a dodge game. Ooh. Great idea. We get some fucking. Great idea. Can you walk? Can you walk?

You can walk whatever you want to walk. Okay. What do you mean? He climbed fucking boulders in Joshua Tree Sometimes with weed I get scared No You'll be finally Absolutely

If you can't walk That's a good one If you can't walk That's good because they got those Those little stilts who put you up The mess in the car Nobody will put you on TV What I really want to do

Is take like four stars And sit in the all you can eat section Of what? The bleachers Oh just go nuts We did day game We did day game Hadobs, nachos

Yeah, oh my God. Weekday Day game. You can bleach your seats for like $5, $7, something like that, and all you can eat and half-priced drinks. And you just go nuts. Oh, that'd be awesome. Yeah. On one of those?

It's disgusting. That hot dogs is fucking disgusting. No, that's where you cover in the chili. The what? The Dodger dogs. The Dodger dogs? Yeah. Yeah.

But the nachos would be good. The nacho. I like nachos. I like nasty nachos. Yeah. Really? Yeah, like movies. I've been craving it.

With that meat stuff? With meat stuff? No, just the cheese. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good at the movie theaters. I go with Big J. He does all that shit. Joey, have you heard of Kumi fries?

No. Oh, no. Yeah, man. I discovered them. No, I know you did. You're a nasty motherfucker. Yeah. I don't want no fries.

No, they're so good. They melt. You got to wait for they melt a little bit. Melt a little bit. And then, fucking salty sweet. Together. On my fry. Salty sweet.

It works. I'm telling you it works. With it. ketchup. With it without ketchup. I'll take you to stop riding on. You've got to wait you're going to wait seven, eight minutes. With some fucking French rice, mozzarella cheese and some motherfucking onion rings right now.

I mean, obviously, Poutine is an more interesting choice. It's more hearty, it's more savory choice. French fries with chili on top? Sort of. Chili fries. No. What kind of what the fuck is putteen? Gravy and cheese curds. Yeah. Cheese curds,

boom, boom, boom, balls of cheese curds. Hot, gravy or peppercorn sauce. Cheese curds are those balls of white, like pure white, like cheese curds. It's like cheese loaf. It tastes delicious. Yeah, sure. The melted gravy goes over it, melts the cheese curds that come up with the

French fries. Do you try any of the other kinds? Add toppings to that, as you will. Go from that. Pepcorn sauce. You eat cheese cream. It's all optional. You can. You can get on the side. Hey, can you upgrade the fries to Poutine, please? That's $2.50. I didn't ask you how much it was. I said, can you do it? So you tell me you can do it?

Yeah. Go ahead and do that. Go ahead and do that, because I'm going to want that putteen style. But it's so heavy. I'd rather eat less of them. I'd rather eat less putteen than all fries. See, we eat fucking around, all right. But I'm not going to eat less. I'm going to eat less burger.

I'm going to eat less burger to make up. You'll eat less burger for proteins? Uh-huh. See, that's... Half a burger is plenty of protein. It's too heavy for me. Next time I go, I want to try a different kind. Wait, it's a stop burger?

No, Putin. Where'd you go? In Toronto. There's one place... This one place of Coanga. It's a smokes. It's a legit chain. It's right next.

It's a legit chain. It's right next to the Stout Burger. Yeah. They have decent ones. They have totally decent ones. It's a legit chain. You're fine with that. The gravy one was too heavy.

So then get a different one. Which one's good? Pepper corn sauce. Sometimes they have a meat sauce. Okay. But the gravy was too heavy? It was a lot. What did you get?

Just regular. The gravy's pretty thin. The gravy's pretty thin. You got the original. Yeah. Just the original. That was too heavy. It was a thick fries, huge curd, a lot of gravy.

Oh, then you got to cover it up with less curds. Curds are pretty big sometimes. Yeah. So you go with another style. Okay. You go with, like, cut up with, like, hot dog slices, or biscuit,

or... You try to like the steak and cheese one? Fuck, yeah, go for that, man. Here's a deal. It's a new era. You can do whatever you want in Poutine. It's a wide open world. I'm about Poutine.

I'm fucked up, Jack. Oh, so you get some Poutine right now? I ain't eating nothing. I got it already. I'm fucked up. I haven't fallen to sleep over here. I'm nodding. I love it.

I mean, the sardines? and beef jerky for dinner. Why? And relish. Why? Because tomorrow I'm paying off a bet with Sam Tripley. Oh, no. What's the bet?

Yeah, the bet was he bet Kentucky would win the national championship, and I bet they wouldn't. I bet the field. All right. So I take a funnel, a fucking car oil funnel. I put it to my butt, and I fart into it, and he has to suck it out. He has to take a solid suck off it.

What is this? Tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow. No Brussels sprouts? I can go one solid hardballed egg tonight with beef jerky, pork jerky, and sourcrow. And then tomorrow, Brussels sprouts, sardines.

How are you going to make sure you're going to fart? That's how. All those things I just said. Yeah, but how are you going to be ready at that moment? There'll be a lot of those moments. I'll be like, here it comes. Here it comes. Let's go.

Let's do it. How many times do you get to do it? Just take one side. solid whiff off it, but it can't pull off. That's disgusting. It sure is. It sure is. I wouldn't want to have to do it. That's why I bet on the field in Kentucky. It's smarter than him. I'm smarter than him. You really are.

Yeah, I really, thank you for realizing that. I really fucking, I don't know how you end up smelling a fart of somebody's ass. Yeah, not by being smarter, you know. Thank you, by the way. Tomorrow, I'll punch drug sports. I'm talking about a man's ass. No, thank you what you said. fart out of Lee's asshole. That's one thing, but a hot black chick

right now, today, would you suck a fart out of a hot black chick? For sure. Then what the fuck? You would not, are you? I would suck it out. I would definitely sniff it out. See? While she's farted. Yeah. You didn't those would be in a while and after. Not before. I wouldn't already be like

like an entrepreneur in like a expectance of it. You're sensitive. Yeah. You got to take a fight to the nose like a soldier. You know what I'm saying? And then the second one, the mouth. We'll make a lot of money Lee. Don't you want to make money? Don't you? Don't you? Ten points.

A million hits on YouTube. How many hits you can have on YouTube in the fucking day? And the next one we'll make a pay-per-view event. Bigger than fucking life. Storytellers and at the end of the closes out, where you're on your hands and knees, hot black chick, you know, the whole thing.

With the eye patch and you get the fucking... Who has the iPad? Me and her? You do. Oh, okay. Yeah, well, you're in the... taking you around. Who thinks gay, you're like Uncle Joey? If I get two eye patches? Yeah, two high patches? Well, now you're living life. Then we'll put the goggle time. Wait, that's just blind. Yeah. See, that's the whole thing. I want to get

her sick. I want to give her like a white castle burger so there's leakage. The chick that far from his face. Come on. I want to see a strip come out of her ass like a little something. Oh, like she left behind. Something. There's got to be something. It's like a toilet paper to wave in the wind. We're going to open up her cheeks. Like a like a surrender fly. You ever see like when a fly lands and they stop. it. That's what we're going to do with her ass. We want to actually show the air blow out

and travel. A feet travels three feet per second. A fart. You know, just see it just hit Lee's mouth, his head cocked back like Kennedy. Like Kennedy. Yeah. His head will cock back like Kennedy and he'll come right back into

motion. It'll be fine. A little bit of fart to the cheeks. Yeah. Oh, sure, just a little bit. But Lee, you're going to sell you're going to sell more payload. and fucking ronda rousey holly homes no not that's millions of one how many people want to see Lisa yet getting fart in the fucking I would love to see that I would love to see that

I'm talking about people paying five bucks not even six one ninety five that's for the next special that's when you go fucking nuts I don't even know what I have planned uh huh I think people like to see you get a first fart to the face. You what? People like to see, you get a fart to the face. Would you put that up? Would you put that for a bit? To suck a fart out of someone's ass?

If it was a woman, yes. What about a man? What about Tripoli? Not in a million years. You wouldn't? I don't play that. Would you even gamble on that? Not really. Not even close. You couldn't get me to gamble on it.

On some hot black chick farting in my mouth. Yeah. Then you could. Then you could. I could. I don't even need to put a wager on that. Yeah. We've got a fine way to go up. Yeah.

proper ass up but if he loses he gets a chubby little black chick that's been eating Popeye's chicken for the last two weeks that's fucking macaroni and cheese and pop by his chicken how don't kill a meal you know what I'm saying that'll make a billy goat's sick

let me read some ads we'll get the fuck out of here we've been on for a long time those fucking stars of death work Tuesday nights at 1230 a.m. Wednesday morning Okay so it's Wednesday morning Wednesday morning this is not how Set your DVRs.

Set your DVRs. You don't forget. Everybody's asleep. Set your DVRs. It's a great show. It's a great production. Thank you. I wish you for you putting it together

third season on them. Second season. Fourth overall. Second on TV. Look at you. Yeah. Cool fucking stories. Yeah.

Fucking good one with Brad Ernst this week. Yeah. Who is it? Brett Ernst? Brinz. Okay. Mosher Casher. Look at you.

You got the whole fucking situation. Hannah Freeman. She tells a really good one. She got three girls? You got three people on the street? Three people. We have one girl. One girl. I am fucking Italian. One Jew.

I am really fucked up. I like this. Yeah, two Jews. Three with me. Three Jews. Jews dominate this week. Good, good. You're happy cock sucker? Yeah. I'm happy too. Fuck Wolfgang. Fuck. Fuck that punk and his bullshit.

Two Jews are on the same time, the same black place. The same bad time. Anyway, I'm fucked. up to the gills. I'm slurring and shit. Hold on, I'm going to get a water here. We just stop chewing a cuckusk. I can use something to eat, but right now, I ain't got time to try.

I should have had a steak here or something, like a steak sandwich. I fucked up. If I were to plan the head, I had my beautiful people from Blue Apron fucking send something, and I would have whipped it up right here. That's what I need to do is get something sent to me from Blue Apron to show you motherfuckers what you're missing and how easy, economical and how great it is to fucking cook your own meals.

Healthy fucking meals. Okay, you can't admit it. The last thing anybody wants to do after work is waiting in line on a grocery store. Then you got to schlep home, carry your groceries, cook a complicated meal. It's expensive. Unhealthy takeout is hardly better. That's where a new service comes in, Blue Apron, okay? Blue Apron delivers farm.

fresh ingredients. You understand me? Eggs, meat, everything. And step-by-step recipes to your home, allowing you to create a healthy, hand-crafted meal at home without going back to the grocery store. For less than $10 a meal, Blue Apron sends you fresh ingredients. Listen to this one.

Perfectly proportioned, making cooking healthy meals really easy and fun. No trips to the grocery store and no waste of unused ingredients. Plus, this is what I love about. You learn how to cook with specialty ingredients that you normally don't use. Blue Apron is perfect for date night. Cooking with friends, and they even offer a family plan with kid-friendly ingredients so the whole family can eat well and have fun preparing the meals together. Each meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving.

It's so tasting you'll never know. Cooking takes a half an hour. Shipping is flexible and free, and the menus are always. knew. They won't send the same. They won't send me like a sardine. They won't send the same meal twice. They work around your schedule and

dietary preferences and Blue Aprons expert source only the best seasonal ingredients for incredible meals. Like, let me explain what they have this week. Okay? They got a Cuban sandwiches with sweet plantain and chicken

catatari with pasta. All right? That's the single plan. Let me tell you what they got for the family plan. Chicken milanesea, spice pork baked rigatoni, miso and maple salmon with odoon noodles. Whether you nuts or what. Think about cooking these recipes at home.

You're going to blow away your friends. Blow away your family. You're going to be healthy. It's quality and it's fresh. Blue apron is the better way to cook, all right? Now, do me a favor. This is where it gets easy. You know, check out this week's menu and get your first two meals free, free for going to blue apron.com slash Joey.

That's right. My treat, really, the first two meals on me when you get a blue apron.com slash Joey. All right. Now, do me a favor. That's it. That's it? Maybe they can make it like a warm beer and sardine stew. No, no.

We don't make none of that junk. These are quality meals delivered to your door. You walk in the house, bring them in. You take a shower, you wash your hands, you go to the kitchen, you open up the box. Out comes all your ingredients. Like beef jerky? No beef jerky. These are high-level, no, nothing like that.

They're all friendly, 500 to 700 calories per serving. So do me a favor right now. I'm going to give you two free meals by going to blue apron.com slash Joey. All right, my treat, seriously. Go to blueapen.com slash Joey. And as usual, the people that run this ship, I love them with all my heart on it. They keep me help me, they keep me alive, whether it's a shroom tech. They got a thing now that the alpha brain is disposable.

You crack it open, put it in water. It comes in different flavors. You know what I'm saying? It's called alpha brain quick or something. I mean, listen. What's the right word for that? Fucking energizes. They call them, I don't know what happened to the jar.

Salami took it. But every time, I just ordered more stuff. I ordered just some protein from Dolce, banana. I ordered some alpha brain, ordered some shrank, Shroom tech. I ordered some tea tablets to raise up your testosterone, so your stamenke gets nice and Jewish. The Shroom tech is great because of the mushrooms. I know the alpha brain is 100% money-back guarantee. Listen, what I know about alpha-brain is one thing for sure. It works, man. It's dependable. And if you have an active lifestyle, that's Shroom tech immune. That's what I take in between flights.

Listen, I get sick like everybody else, once, maybe once and a half a year. But that's the immune plus and not smoking a lot of weed with different people and taking care of yourself and drinking water. But that shroom tech helps. Do me your favor. I can talk to you about this shit for hours. Go to audit.com right now. Look at the great selection they have.

I can only help you with supplements. If there's something you see, put it in the thing and ring it, and what do you get, three? That's church and you get 10% off. You get 10% off your first door, and again, it gets delivered to your door. If you like what you get, let's say you get the alpha brain, you don't like it.

You get your money back. You don't have to send back the product. That's how good. That's how much they believe in their fucking product. All right. So go to audit.com right now and press in. Church. Boom.

C-H-U-R-C-H. And get your first daughter, get 10% off. And that's it. I want to thank my brother Ari for coming on a Monday night. I'm sorry, we got all fucked up. This is the business we're going to open. Joey and the Jews marijuana and Porium. All right.

What are we going to open there? Libreia and 3rd. You got an office? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to go big. We're going to go big. We've got a license? No, no, no, no.

No. We're two out in the open. We'd be the last ones to go without a license. That's what they think. This is why I love you. This is what I'm dealing with people. I want to thank Ari Shafia for coming on tonight. I'm sorry about getting everybody whacked

and the podcast being whacked. But this is what it's all about. Sometimes you've got to get whacked and talk shit to make something happen. All right? It's up to you. We'll be back Wednesday night, cock suckers. Don't forget to listen to the septic tank

with my main man, Arii Shafia, my brother. and what's yours? Life and neutral with Lee Syatt and Johnny motherfucking rock. What else? I got Irvine and Tempe, Arizona coming out. Irving and Tempe, Arizona coming up.

Go to Irishapia.com. Is that it? Yep. Look for comedy dates. I will be in Bakersfield this weekend but it's sold out my next available date. Boom! March 31st, April 1st, and 2nd,

Brayer, California. Get your tickets now. Don't come crying to me. better, bitches. I love you guys. Thank you very much. Happy great. We'll be back on Wednesday night. Stay black and get your shit together. It's about that. I love you. I'm going to do good.

Thank you for listening to the church of what's happening now, and the show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. And our listeners get the first two meals for free. that's right for free no money no need a wallet no checking account credit card throw it away

just go to blue apron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with blue apron blue apron dot com slash joey and this show is brought to you by onit.com

go to onit.com and check out all of the great supplements like alpha brain, new mood trim tech immune and trumtech sport and when you're there used code word church to get 10% off That's way too loud. Can you please turn that down?

Oh, you have already? Okay, cool. Where are you going? What are we waiting? Let's go. Night, cock suckers. This is the end. My childhood friend, the end.

What's up, Lisa, that, cocksucker? Look at you. You're getting flashbacks, Diti Mao. You're hungry. What are you going to go home and eat? I'm trying not to eat anything. We'll see. You're going to keep it down under the carbs.

You're a new fuck. Fucking man, tell Harry Safee, doing kettlebells four times a week, you commit it, it's over. You're going to the Jew Hall of Fame over in Israel for the strongest Jew in the world contest. Fuck yeah. Number two to Max Bells you're doing. Huh? How many kettlebells are you doing? Is that a different workout every guy?

Oh. He's a savage. He really goes down there and bangs of that. Have a good night, Coxuckus. This is the end. He took a face. from the ancient gallery and is it to his brook to kill you come on baby take a chance with a