The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #366 - Felicia Michaels

Episode Date: March 29, 2016

Felicia Michaels, Comedian and Host of, "The Milf Code" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. Felicia was previously the co-host, with Joey Diaz, on the "Beauty and Da' Beast" Podcast This podcast is brought to you by:   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order.   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/29/2016.


This podcast is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Night after night, two people lay in the same bed, but when it comes to buying a new mattress, only one gets their way. That is, until now, introducing Helix Sleep. You buy your mattress online, and it's customized for both of you. That's right, each side of the bed, for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. And our listeners, go to HelixSleep.com slash Joey. That's H-E-L-I-X-Sleep.com slash Joey,

and you get $50 off of your first order. That's $50. off of your order. Helixleep.com slash Joey. Helixleep.com slash Joey. And the show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use Coord Church to get 10% off all of their

great optimization products. I was lucky enough to get some new of their Doche Way protein. I'm going to try that out. I don't let you know how it is. It's Onit.com, co-word church. Wah, woo! You bad motherfuckers. Kick that horse, Lee.

Bapa. bung bung bung oh shit oh shit it's pedophile night here today oh shit here we go motherfucker here we go here we go lisa at in the motherfucking house oh shit it's a monday night cock sucker oh it's close to me it is close to midnight in some places something evils fucking lurking you get an a ball you bump into some strange chick with a missing eyeball an eyepatch After a couple bumps, you're like, fuck it. You try to scream. But you say, fuck it.

This chick is terrifying me. Will she suck my dick with the eyepatch? Oh shit. Disgusting. Let me tell you something, all right? Let me tell you how fucking... The FBI is as dumb as they come. Took them a month to crack the fucking phone.

Meanwhile, there's a fucking kid in Jersey who could have cracked that in two fucking days. What they were saying was, is that like they could have cracked it a while ago, but they were trying to get Apple to do it. Yeah, they're fucking lazy. Like, they could have done it in two fucking things. But let me tell how stupid the FBI is. If I was the FBI right now, I would dig up Gravano. I would go visit Gravano in the prison.

I said, Gravano, you probably got what left on your sentence. They're going to give you parole to this age. How about when you go home, you go home? That's it. The chapter of the government with Sammy. the Bull Gotti's dead, everybody's dead. We want the whole thing on Trump. The whole father on Trump.

We want the deals. We want the payoffs, how they were made, who collected the money, and then you take that to Trump and go, listen, we ain't got done nobody. We ain't got down nobody. This is between us. We're friends.

Right. This secret is between us. Now, anytime the FBI asks for something, Trump will have to give it to them. You follow me? Like they're going to. When he's president? It's not blackmail.

Blackmail, that's a big fucking word right there. Blackmail is a bad word. It's letting you know that I know. I've always told you that's the biggest thing when you're out there is letting motherfuckers know. Somebody's at a party and they're talking shit about you. Right? Some people go and attack that dude.

You don't say nothing for fucking two years. And one night when it's you and him alone, you dropped on him and you watch him break. And that's what happens Because people can't believe They said shit They came back to haunt them But not right away But what about the mob itself?

Like wouldn't the mob be doing the same thing to him If he gets to be president? The mob that's in now Doesn't know That was 30 fucking years ago Oh His dealings were between 80 and 85 86

So that's over now? 88, yeah That connection died Gravano took that with him Yeah, they own S&A construction And they have different companies is that the mob, the mob has a 2% club, okay? 2% of the profit goes to the mafia.

What they do is they get 16 fucking people, companies, Lee Syak Construction, Joey Dears Construction, and we go into a bidding club. So now instead of us bidding for jobs, you just get the job. For 2%. So this million, but any job over $2 million.

So the concrete, you got to buy from my company. Now, let me explain something to you. per square foot in Oklahoma. I'm just making these numbers up. It's $35 a square foot. Again, I'm just making these numbers up. I don't want people on Twitter hit me. Joey, I live in Oklahoma.

You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm just making these numbers up. But when you deal with S&A construction, his concrete is $82.50 a square foot. That's the mob squeeze. So they take 2%. And then they fuck you. And then they fuck you on that.

Oh, my God. And then they control different unions. So let's say they have the laborers union or the fucker. fucking pipe fitters unit. That's how they work. Now, for them not to shake you down, you have to pay them back. You have to be in the thing.

I know Trump's personality. Trump didn't want to be in the bid club. Trump said, fuck it, I'll make you a partner. Okay? And that's how, now, the construction was really New York tight between those years when Trump was in. And the guy that ran construction,

if you want to look this up at home, if you have the time and you're that much of a fucking stiff, The guy who ran construction in New York was a guy by the name of Sammy the Bull Gravano. He was underboss with a Gambino crime family. He had 18 different companies, all related to the construction field. Glass, piping, architecture. Electrical. Electrical.

Because if you, so now, Lee Syatt was only getting one job every three months. But LeSayat is fighting for his life. He's bidding these fucking OKie-Dog jobs. One day the mine, the lease I had says, wait a second. He gets down, he starts writing notes. And he comes up with, even if I give half of my profits at these inflated prices, I make money. So instead of getting two jobs a year, I get six jobs a year and I split the profits. I'm busy all year.

I still make more money than I was ever making before. Let me approach Sammy the bull and make him a partner. What? Now, you come to me and go, Sammy. How about I give you 40% of my company? Make you a partner. Give you a taste. Give you a tax return.

Make you VP of whatever. Give you like a fake fucking job. You follow them? Like the one Tony had him. There you go. There you go. So now when Sammy the Bull was a genius. Because now when he gets, he's got a taste of all those companies.

Plus he was getting partners and he was shooting them. and then taking the whole company from. How could he pull that more than once? Like, I feel like after the second time, they'd be like, maybe we shouldn't be partners. Started disappeared. All his mate, D.B. DiB. de Bernardo, the guy in Staten Island, all his brother-in-law, he killed his wife's brother, Doug.

Why? Because he was causing a lot of fucking problems. But to just keep this on Trump, that's how crazy. Like, I'm looking at this world news tonight because Trump's a fucking genius. Okay, Trump's got so much money that he's just paying, listen, you ever see a fucking law and order? Yeah.

When I go, Lisa, that was involved in gay porn. That's irrelevant. I object. I'm sustained. That sustained don't mean dick, because the jury heard that. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so what he's doing is he's blowing up little fires and all these fucking little magazines

that every, that you read while you're on the line of the supermarket. those what do you call those things you know time not time but like the tabloids tabloids i'm sorry i don't know i forget words sometimes i smoke dope but then so so he lights fires i come up to you and say listen what if i gave you what if what if i gave you a picture a ted cruz with a blonde and $200,000 what if I could fucking photoshop that I can mammae that

don't they don't they don't they do when they take pictures yeah they could do anything else's head now these college kids Even if he just puts it out there on like Fox News or any TV thing. If he just said, well, you know, I heard Ted Cruz likes to play with monkeys. I don't know anything. Just the fact that he said it. That's it. It's out there.

Now you're waiting for your groceries and you look up and boom. Ted Cruz involved in sex gamble. Now, what happens because he has casinos in Vegas and Atlantic City? The mom has to be involved in casinos, right? Well, he made them corporate. Okay. See, once the corporations took over the. the casinos, that made it a little tougher for that skin.

And they know it. But they get taken care of in other ways, which I don't really know. I really don't know. You know, you hear all these rumors the mob has gone from Vegas. I don't know. I don't know none of that shit. I don't know who exists anymore. I don't know what the fuck goes on.

But I do know that I was watching that tonight. And I'm like, Trump is such a swindler that somebody's going to win, but somebody should swindle him. And you know who could swindle him? The FBI. The FBI could swindle him. him and have their fucking way with them. The president is the vice president. Whoever runs the FBI,

can get whatever he wants and fucking support the next four or five or six, eight years. Oh my God, yeah. If he does that to him, which is crazy to think about strong arming the president, whatever you want to call it. That's it. Hey, listen, they couldn't strong on Canada.

They shot him in the fucking head. They blew his fucking brain on. Where the fuck did that? Where the fuck did that, okay? It gets scarier and scarier. Like, the more I see. I'm sure this has been going on forever but I was just too young and naive to see it

but the more and more you see with like the political system and the way it works people don't pay attention to the political system they think because they watch CNN politics they know what politics really are and they don't they don't they don't why do I give why do I give Jet Bush to one of the thousand dollars my earn money because I have something I want to do

there's something I want to do I want to zone that neighbor I want to do something So it's a dirty fucking business right there. Do you think that's a job? Like they go through the donor list at a certain point after they get elected. And they're like, okay, well, we have to pay off these amount. Over $100,000, they have to pay off favors. In this business, in this fucking presidential debate.

Okay. With all this, whatever it's called. And I come to a presidential guy, a candidate, let's call them. And I say to them, listen. Over the years, I've been accused of doing a lot of things. But I'm really a hot dog sale. I have 35 hot dogs bands all across the country. I have a name and I make millions of dollars a year.

Selling hot dogs. Yes, Mr. Diaz. Selling hot dogs. But my real business is drugs. Let's just say. Let's say I make $20 million a year. $15 million a year. $3 million cash to me is nothing.

I would donate it to a presidential debate, whatever the fuck, a presidential candidate Because I know that in the future, I want to expand my business. I want to expand my business. I want to go to Mexico. I want to go to Europe. I want to expand my business and double that. If I get caught, I need a presidential pay.

I need something. I would do it. You know, see, these are the things that happen. They have to assume they're doing it. That money's coming from somewhere. When a medical supply company, not a medical supply company. Pharmaceutical companies with a new pill. And they're having a tough time with the FDA.

They know Lee Syatt is a medical company. is a senator of fucking Wisconsin. He's tight with the vice president of the FDA. I'll give $500,000 to your donation, a million dollars because I know you're going to, but once I go to your fundraiser, I tell them no whisper in your ear, what I need for me. And then if you say no, you're not going to get that money again, what you need. What you need.

Especially that type of, those type of digits. Listen, I went to get a nose spray there was $80. Oh, yeah, prescription? Yeah, $80. But I went today to get a pill, and it was $1,6. So you never fucking know They get you somewhere or the other They really do

And now it's getting to the point where Like CVS, right? I can't get like whenever I get sick here I go to the clinic because you can't get a doctor's appointment Within like two weeks. I have like pretty decent insurance So I'm paying CVS to go to the clinic I'm paying CVS for the pills

And so they have all they're making all them Like that's it's crazy What we allow? If a 35 I will know I was growing up with Dr. Comtey house and give you a shot of penicill in the prescription. Right. And now I have to wait two weeks, even though I have insurance, and they raise my insurance every year. It's fucking crazy.

It's just, and that's why I think Bernie Sanders is so popular. I don't really know, like, I know what he's talking about. I don't know if it's going to, because no matter who you talk to, either they hate Trump or they hate Sanders. So you don't know who's, what's real. But I can see that. I'm paying $3.50 right now for insurance. that I can't really you. Yeah.

There's people listen to the podcast. I can't imagine it. If you don't have insurance today, you're getting fucking raped. And it's tough. Either way, you're getting fucked in the ass. But it's... You got to have the insurance. I went for years without insurance.

How... I don't fucking know. How I do not fucking know. I went to, like, 35, with no insurance, just living on the edge. Until I joined SAG, I didn't have insurance. Jesus. That was 1997.

Three, six, 19, 20 years ago. So I was 33 years old, 34 years old. I got fucking insurance. So what would you do if you got sick? I tough to that. I went to the pharmacy like everybody else. I inhaled vitamin C. If it was one time I went to the hospital from my throat,

I got a throat infection. In Colorado, that's never come up on my fucking credit report. Really? What the hell happened to it? $200, $300. One time I had an abscess in a tooth. I went to Cedar Memorial or whatever on Beverly. I never heard of that, Billy.

They probably figured out I had SAG insurance. That's crazy. So this week I went to Paducah. I went to Paducah. I went to Paduca with my wife and the baby. They had a great time. And I was sitting there for a little while. You know, and I was sitting outside looking at the horses and all this land.

They have horses? Oh. Yeah, my fucking brother-in-law's got three horses right there in the yard. The yard is the size of this. fucking neighborhood. You got a three-bedroom house with the side with a barn, a fucking camper,

and then three horses, fenced off. Just, it's got to be a couple of football fields. Gee, that must been fun for mercy. Oh, Mercy hasn't fucking stopped running. But I was sitting there. I thought of a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to a long fucking time

since 1993. I just thought him. And I see his brother on Facebook all the time. And there was rumors growing up, you know, later on. But I realized when I was sitting there, how much I loved this kid growing up. Like, he was just a dynamite, fun kid. His name was Fernie.

And Timmy Holloway's probably listening to him right now. Fernie was one of these kids that it was two of me. Like his tolerance, was through the roof. No way. He more tolerance than you? Oh, his tolerance was through the roof with everything. With everything.

Whatever he did, he did double. From his gambling to his weightlifting. I mean, he was a kid that had a fucking body like an adonis. His shoulders were huge growing up. We always knew each other since the seventh, eighth grade, from playing basketball, but we didn't talk. We just waved at each other

and hey, what's up? Then we became freshman together. And we talked at parties. And he always showed up with like, you know, if you had a $10 bag, he always had a $20 bag. Was he a rich kid? No, his father had a restaurant,

Edgewater, New Jersey that was called H&B diner right by where they shot Copeland. It was right over there. It was a tremendous little fucking greasy spoon, but he made the best pork sandwiches on Italian bread with hot sauce and pickles. Fresh Cuban fucking pork with on Italian bread with Swiss cheese and fucking hot sauce.

Pork and Swiss cheese. Good googly-mooly. Good googly moogly. And he'd melt the Swiss cheese over the fucking bread. You have no idea, my friend. But Fernie and me became tight. It was me, Fernie, Roger, and this kid by the name of Glenn Conti, aka Stinky. And we became a unit. November of 81.

We all hung out from time to time, but then we started getting together. Fernie was one of the first guys that really had a car, like that his father just gave him a car, and it had a hole in the back seat. He put a piece of metal on there, but when he would drive the car, the metal would move. Glenn had his mother's car from time to time,

and Roger, he had his father's car. He would borrow from time to time, but Fernie was always the ride. And whenever Fernie would drive, he would drive and he curse at people and he called people prick. He had a great prick thing. And we hung out tight.

He always supported me. He always had my back. You know, no matter what, he was very quiet. I got him beat up one time at a bar in Hoboken called Janeros. What do you mean you got him beat up? I grabbed the girl's ass. When I played for St. Michael's, she was a Chile, the Cuban girl, and she was standing in front of me watching the band.

And I was next to Fernie. and I reached over and grabbed her ass. It was one of these reaches, like with my right hand, so I had a cross three people. So when she turned around, Fernie had a stupid look on his face with glasses. He was just as high as I was. And she turned around, he was drinking an Alabama slammer

with a white shirt on. And she turned around and smacked him the face and the drink went all over his shirt. And his glasses fell off. Everybody knew he was blind without his glasses. But the funniest was that one... The funniest part of the... One of the lens fell out of his glasses.

So when he got stepped on, she was kicking him, and he was looking for his glasses. He got beat up by the girl? You beat up by the girl. We're fucking howling as kids. You didn't help him out? No, you got beat up by a girl. What are you going to do? Chokes the fucking girl?

I can't choke the fucking girl. He got to think of beating. But he took the beat. He took the beating. He took the beat to me like a fucking soldier. Did he even know why he was getting hit? No, he was half-retard. He just got up, put his glasses back.

on and the one was broken. And he had a big red stain on this fucking white shirt. And that was the end of that tune. Oh, my God, I was fucking howling. But I robbed that jewelry store. And while I was in Florida on the hideout, we were, you know, talking on the phone. We were talking on the phone, talking on the phone, talking on the phone,

me and Fernie. For some reason, I always talked to Fernie. How can you be on the hideout and talking on the phone? Because the cops weren't really tapping phones in those days for some guy who robbed a jewelry store. One thing I knew about Fernie is that Fernie didn't talk. Furny didn't talk unless it was us. Like, Fernie never talked. Like, if Fernie in those days came in the room right now, Fernie would actually just talk to me.

He wouldn't talk to you. He wouldn't even pay attention. He wouldn't even acknowledge you. He wouldn't even acknowledge yours. Not because he was rude, but that was Fernie. Like, he didn't know you and he didn't want to know you. You know, whatever. He had enough friends.

He'd show up, sit down, and whip out a bag of weed that could kill a mule. So I come back from Florida on the hideout. And on the phone call the night before, he'd tell him, he goes, hey, man, I talked to my mother, you could stay here with me. And at that time, my soul was gone. Like, I was gone. Like, I had no, I didn't claim responsibility for my actions or who I was. How were you, roughly? 19.

Okay. just totally out of control the world owed me a fucking thing I was angry at the world and I did what the fuck I wanted until I either caught a beating or was gonna go to jail or whatever and this kid opens up his home to me he says hey man

fuck all that shit we got the basement we can bring bitches nobody'll know I got my weights down there we got a bathroom you could shower upstairs but besides that everything's downstairs my mother's never home so you could shower up there in the daytime if you need to take a shower

but besides that we got the whole downstairs they never come down here and it was it that's all we needed we were smoking dope downstairs we were doing blow downstairs we were eating quailudes downstairs and his parents never once were like hey guys

well one night he ate a fucking quailude we got four quailudes and I told him just to eat one he ate two and he went in the shower we were downstairs drinking beers fucking smoking reef and his father came down. He was dog, you gotta go upstairs. Friendy's asleep in the shower.

We went upstairs. He was in the shower on two ludes, passed out with his socks on. We had to take him out of the shower. They're like, what happened to him? We don't know. He was tired. He was fucked up.

His father, that motherfucker came downstairs, did like three lines, and it was like nothing happened. We got in the car. We had to go see Pat Benetton. I'll never forget that. And he kept some guy parked too close to him. Like they gave him.

an inch in the front and inch of the back. I'll never forget this. And he is putting a car reverse, boom, putting a, boom, boom, boom. And at that time, it's me, I'm in the backseat. No, I'm in the side seat, and Roger Holloway is in the back seat. I don't forget this like it was yesterday. And he's doing this for two minutes, boom, boom, boom,

and he's turning the wheel, but every time he makes a thing, he hits one of the fucking cars. And finally, Roger Bend is out of him. He goes, we're playing bumper cars. I never forget, you know, it was something fucking every night with him. But he was my brother. He had my back. He let me, oh shit, oh shit.

He had my back, man. This guy let me move into his fucking basement. Felicia Michaels in the house. Come over and sit out, my love. Right over here. So this guy fucking let me live with him. And it was just, Felicia would be to get ready for this. Yes.

Because it was two 19-year-old boys. We had no direction. He was working at his father's restaurant and Edgewater. And when as soon as I got back, it took me about a week to get a job, I got a job. Look at you.

I got a job at a fucking place that made frames for Entermen's cake. You ever go into a supermarket and see Entermens cake? Yeah. And they have the fucking stands that say, you know, Entemans, Entomins. That's what I did.

I was a union Entermin cake stand builder. That's not bad job. It wasn't a fucking bad job, but I spent my whole salary at that fucking diner because I wouldn't eat lunch at the place. So I would go there and have like a $20 a lunch. It's like three pork sandwiches, me and stinking. And then they hooked us up.

This whole time, I'm living with Fernie, give him like $50 a week. And we're driving to his restaurant at 5 in the morning and listening to, I'll never forget, dead of the winter, listen to it. Nasty girl, nasty girl. Do you think God? And dancing in the car and shit.

319-year-old jerkoffs. jerk-offs and he was what are you like I was just telling me he was one of those people he didn't smoke pot Felicia

like if you bought a $10 bag he would buy a $25 bag and smoke the whole thing in high school he was I don't know all those ADHD terms today

ADD he was half retarded he wasn't ADD autistic no he had that shit he had that shit that he always had to do double of what you did we always thought fernie would die

like I always later on said I wonder where fernie is and then I heard he went to a party at my friend's house like we all know this guy like me going to your house with your kids there your girlfriend's there and going can I use your bathroom 20 minutes you're like he's been in that bathroom a long fucking time

40 minutes you're going to knock on the door. My friend knocked on the door. He didn't hit him. He kicked the door open. Fernie had the strap on his arm. This is like, you're you catching me at your house.

This is like, you know, he called me in Colorado. He goes, I tell you what happened last night. I fucking found Fernie in my bathroom, shooting the arrow on at 5 in the fucking morning. I chased him. He ran away, you know, leave me alone. And that was the last we really heard of.

That was it. But what happened was, I was living with him. And we had gone. on to like, you know, we hooked up in October, and I gotta tell you guys, it was a three-month party. Like, him and I went to work at five, but we were out till two.

Every night? Every night. There was a bar right across the street, so we could park the car and walk. So, worst-case scenario, we were going to the city, not do blow. We'd go over and get Riefer, park the car, smoke a joint, and then we'd cross the street. It was the Midtown Lounge, the Silver Fox. The guy was, they called him the Silver Fox. It was like

seven needs to be in there picking up chicks and shit. And we go in there. It was like a three-month tear. Finally in December, I tapped out. I can't do this. I got a job at a lumber yard. I lived with him the whole time. I got arrested at that fucking lumberyard for possession of stolen tools. He never said nothing to me.

He was my roommate. Never judged me. Never questioned me. He took me out for a drink. Fuck it. We'll beat the cake. I mean, he was just a great guy. But I was living with him and I was doing some wild shit.

And I was 19. And I was straying out of the neighborhood and doing wild shit, which meant somebody was going to catch me. And one night, I tried to break into a bookie's house. And I cut my hand with the bobwire. And I had a cross. I robbed that guy's house on 57th Street. I had to run to 68th Street. It doesn't seem like a lot, but I had to cross like eight avenues.

When I got to his block, the cops were coming down the block with the light. And I had to hide under a car. And I'm like, if I want to be friends with this guy, I got to, I got to. to move out of his house. Because something's going to happen, and this house is going to get shut up. I was doing some crazy shit. I was fucking with some Cubans in Union City. They were bringing cocaine up, and they had apartments, and I would break into their apartments.

I knew I was going to get in trouble. And a friend of mine came up to me because I want to go to Colorado. And I thought about it, and I said, okay. And I didn't have the heart to tell Fernie I was leaving. Like, I never had the heart to call. Sit them down and go Fernie. I'm leaving. So while he was at work, I backed my stuff, and I wrote a letter and left the phone.

Like, that's how much I loved Fernie. I was a confused kid. I didn't really know. I left, and I left about a month. I called him. We were friends, but I could see that we weren't the friends that we were. But then I came back, and then we were tight again. Then he got involved in gambling.

Then he hit somebody with the car. And he picked me up two days later after he hit the dude with the car. And that was the first time somebody hit somebody with a car. told me a story and I actually pissed my pants. That's how funny. Like, that's how crazy he was. He was smoking a joint. And you know when you cut through a gas station instead of waiting for the red light?

Oh, yeah. He cut through the gas station. When he hit the sidewalk, the ash fell on his shirt. And while he was going like this, there was a guy waiting for the fucking bus. And he clipped a dude. And he got out of the car. And if you know Fernie, like if you know Fernie, when he was telling me this, I know he ain't lying to me, I knew him.

He said he told it, dude. I go, Freddy, what happened? He goes, I had to go, I had to go with the car. You know, I was a little stung. I didn't want to wait for the cops. He goes, I was running late for work. So I told him, either get up or do something because I got to get to work. And he took off.

And he got home that night, and he was in the shower, and the cops fucking ripped him out of the shower, beat him up. Oh, my God. But, again, by this time, We were 20, maybe 21, maybe. Maybe. Now, in those days, you watch vinyl. If you watch vinyl, they only have a little glass with a thing, and you, now, once it got advanced, a chain with a spoon came on that thing.

So you would take the cap off and do little bumps. Now, in those days, I could lie to you and tell you, I did eight balls. No, I didn't. I always had one of those things. not Fernie Fernie would drive around with a quarter-round to blow but here's where it got crazy

he would cut his own blow so he would buy a fucking 8th Coke and he would cut it three and a half to three and a half to dilute it and he would cut it till it was like fucking speckled

like he weren't even getting high and he'd sit in his car with like the ace of spades and talk to you for like 20 minutes and he'd just keep doing bump He was over. What's that? OCD.

He did everything more. Washing his hands a lot. Like you sit like that. Like he did. Like again, you know, people do, and they put it down and they talk to you. Not for any. Oh, no. He had to have the mirror, his own mirror.

And he would just do fucking monsters every minute on the minute. And you would look at him and go, when is this going to fucking. So what happened to him? So. 83, 84, boom, I go to Colorado, I got arrested, I come back to Jersey in 91, 92, I'm looking for Fernie. No Fernie. I come back in 93 after I get divorced.

No Fernie. Nobody's seen Fernie. His mother still lives there. She drives the school bus. She parks the bus in front of the house. There's no Facebook and there's no Twitter. Do you know my friend Timmy Holloway's brother, invited me to his house to dinner in Jersey City.

I take the bus and I have to do a transfer and I get off and I start walking a little bit. And I remember I bump into a fucking street corner, but Fernie with some brought. He gives me a hug. I hugged him. He goes, I heard you doing comedy now. I said, I'm trying, man. It's fucking hard. He goes, let me come see you one night.

And in that whole thing, the girl looks at him and goes, is this the kid you told me about? And he goes, yeah. And he gave me some number. And I called him like 10 times and never returned my call. And that was it. Do you regret just leaving the letter? Like, do you think that might have been it? Always.

Till this fucking day, I regret leaving that goddamn letter. He was my brother. He wouldn't have given a fuck. If I would have told him the truth, he wouldn't have. You knew what I was crazy. So what did you say in the letter then? That I loved them. So they had to leave.

The 20 people were looking for me. That I would have loan shark $10,000. dollars and I needed some fucking space before I got killed. I didn't want to bring it into his house. And do you wish you had just said that to him? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wish I would have said it to him.

Well, why do you think he never answered the phone or contacted you back? Well, you know, if he would have understood, why didn't... I think by that time he was gone. Today, he has HIV from shooting heroin. I heard this, and I looked at the pictures on Facebook. And I was like, yeah, he's got something. He's very hidden. Nobody's ever seen him.

No more reunions, no nothing. So over the weekend, I'm in Paducah. And I'm sitting there giggling over one of the stupid fucking escapades. Like, just a thought came into me how he used to fuck the skinny girl. I saw at the airport that it looked like the girl. And I said, oh, my God. That girl was really pretty, but she was really bony. And they used to say, Frank, she don't have a pussy.

And he goes, she got it in there somewhere. It's good. He was always, when I robbed the fucking janitor, and I had the epileptic pills, everybody was mad at me for giving them epileptic pills. Like, people were like, Joey, you're my friend, you gave me those pills. You know what Fronnie told me? Those fucking pills were good, man. You got to get me some more of those.

He was popping those and walking around and driving me. And people were sleeping for three days. And, like, he was one of those guys. Like, even the epileptic pills didn't affect them. Yeah. Like, he was one of those fucking dudes. And I heard he got the heroin and stuff. So, to make a long story short, I'm sitting there watching Mercy run around.

And you would get those thoughts, like, what type of friends will they have growing up? And for some reason, I thought about my friends. I thought about Fernie. And last night, I come home, and I'm on Facebook. And who pops up on Facebook? of Fernie. He added you as a friend? No, no, no, no. Like a picture of Fernie, his brother.

Oh, okay. So I went to the brother's page and in the corner, there's Fernie. And he's bald. And he's like, he still has to, he had fucking shoulders. That's the guy who taught me how to do it behind the necks. He was behind the neck and 185. And he goes, you could do it. And he would do 165.

his neck started here and it went here and his waist was like this. Women would jump on this guy. Is that the picture you used to have in your old office? No, no, no, that's Raygo. This was another kid that was taller. His waist was like this. He was built like this.

No steroids, just push up steaks, those pork sandwiches and all heavy weight. He believed in heavy weight. So I get home last night and I see this fucking picture. And against everything I got, I said, you know what? I clicked onto the messes thing. And I wrote, after 20 years, I still think about you.

And I put send. And I said, this motherfucker is going to see this and never say nothing to me. I wake up this morning. There's one single message. Didn't even expect it to be him. I always wake up a few messages. I click on, open it up. And he wrote, I think of you two.

And I said, I could open this conversation up or leave it here. I go, I'm going to leave it. right here. Just let it stew. Because this kid was my fucking dog. Dog, dog, dog. Funny, Felicia, off the cuff, like, retarded funny. Like, the shit he would say?

Just retarded. Just retarded funny. Can I ask, how come you just let it lay? Why? That crew never recovered. That crew never recovered. Two out of the four became Christian guys. You know,

uh, the guy that says, shit in the morning. Born again. Not born again. The one became whatever, the good looking dude in Houston with the church. Joel Osteen, the UPS one, and the other one, Roger, also became a born-again Christian. That's how deep those times were. Like, what we were thinking and what we were doing was not what 18-year-olds did. It wasn't what 18-year-olds did, you know, and it was just a heart infrania at that time. He had a gambling addiction.

Again, we're betting 40 times. You know the 40-timers? 200 bucks. Me and you're getting to get. Who do you like that next? Let's bet the next dollar. Let's split a $200. Let's split a 40-time.

First time he comes to me, he goes, what are you guys always talking about? You gamble? Really? How much you gamble? We're like, well, so he started doing that. After 10 minutes, he goes, What if I put down a thousand dollar parley?

Who does that the first time? Nobody does that. That's when you bet two teams, and they both have to win. I was living with him. I'm in the basement, across from him in the bed. And he's telling me this shit. And under his bed, he's got a jar filled in 150s. And he goes, if I lose, I could cover this.

He goes, so what do I do? I go, call my friend's dad. A thousand-time parlay. Seattle and somebody else. What does that win? You can't even fucking imagine what it wins. 18 years old. Calls it in.

The first game wins outright. The second game, it's 27-0 nothing at halftime. We both smoke a joint. We go to bed. That kind of giggle in the way. Fuck them. We both wake up. Seattle comes back and beats 28, 27.

He wins a thousand bucks. my friend's dad calls him back and he goes if you want to come pick up the money he goes get dressed let's go pick up the money let's go out for the best dinner we've ever had we go to peek alice him out this is the spot jack fucking waiters with the fucking suits

white people fort leave New Jersey overlooking the Hudson people kissing glass wines I never saw that before my life all that shit I go in there I used to go in there a little dates and with friends at the lobster fried the outlaw dish

I go, Frani, what do you want to eat? He goes, I don't know. I go, I get the lobster fried y'allel. He goes, I never had lobster before. That's even more of a reason to get it. Lopsar fried diablo, they brought you a dish shaped like a fucking fish, Felicia, and it had pasta in the middle. Then all around it had clams and muscles.

And on the top was a fucking lobster tail with four huge fucking prawns, Felicia, with red spicy sauce with a big loaf of bread with butter. Come on, Felicia. Tremendous. Yeah. Yeah. he fucking devours his plate. He's thirsty

and he drinks the fingerbow. Picked up the fucking fingerball and drank it like nothing. And after that he went on a gambling tear. He was up $60,000. Under his bed. 18 years old. Wow.

And he lost it all on the Super Bowl, plus 30. And that cracked him. And the book he made him pay. So he had to pay $300, $400 every week. He paid the guy until he owed him $800. He told the guy to go fuck himself. And that cracked him.

He never watched sports again. Never, ever. Not even as a joke. When I bumped until 90th, I go, you watch sports again? He goes, never again. He wouldn't even watch. Never. Lose $90,000.

Yeah, that's crazy. And back then, back then, when, $82. Yeah, when the dollar was worth twice the amount it's worth now. That was a tremendous amount of money, man. The killer bees against the redskins. That was the Super Bowl. He lost his ass on.

And he became a different person. Like, after that at 18, he had to get a job at a gas station from 4 to 12. And then he worked at his father's restaurant from 6 before. So he only slept on Saturday and Sunday. and he did that for eight months until he paid the 30 or 40 granddorf. Did his parents know that that had happened? He got to lose parents and borrow 20 from them

and it was ugly. So you're happy with how your conversation, like that's why you don't really want to go for it. Like it was as perfect as it could be. That's all I needed. If you knew this kid, if I engage him right now, I'm just going to leave it there.

That's as good as it gets in my world, man. What are you supposed to do when you lose friends? Like, I have that friend who I went to his wedding in Vermont. He was my best friend in high school, and I didn't have, like, a bunch of friends. He was my best friend, and he, for the past couple months, he won't answer my call. I don't know what to do.

People get married, people change. You don't know what his life is life. Well, I just had a friendship that kind of went kaput with someone who was very close to me. And I think people don't understand that friendships, just like relationships, aren't meant to be forever. That doesn't mean they have any less value, you know? I think sometimes people are in your life for a certain period of time to bring clarity to that time. But when you have children, you don't teach children or we don't teach each other that it's okay if you're not friends anymore.

But maybe we should teach them how to disengage a friendship, you know? Well, I have a different frame of thought. Like, when I didn't talk to you for a while, I still loved you. Yeah. We were just mad at each other. Yeah. That was completely, I didn't want to lose your friends. You were kind of mad at each other.

Yeah, but I still loved you. After I came to my senses, I really didn't miss you. I miss all my friends. Yeah. I miss all my friends. Like, when Chuckie McBrain, I miss, like, it's basketball. Yeah, then I'm watching basketball. I thought about Chuck and fucking McBrain.

I'm like how they fucking stupid game did me and that fucking moron go. And I was a basketball coach at Ramapo or whatever, you know, and just we were talking about college basketball last week, and now the players, I used to write the coaches. And I didn't lose, Chuckie. We grew apart, and we connected, not even on Facebook. He hunted me down, and today we talk every 90 days. You know, I know he's busy with college,

but we never stop loving each other. Then there's the people you grow away from. And it's naturally, somebody gets married, somebody has a kid, somebody stops getting high, you know, somebody gets a DUI, and people put fucking blame. I had something in December that happened to me that was just horrible. I went back east with my family, and I got those Hilton fucking points. And a week before I went, Hilton fucking hit me up and said, we either give you a room for free one night or we'll take a room off your tab. So I called one of my best friends in life And I go, hey man

What are you doing next weekend? Why don't you come up? Bring the wife, see the baby We'll go get some Chinese food We'll smoke a couple joints And he goes, that's not a bad idea This is 40 fucking years, Felicia You know, he spent millions on me

This kid, I call him back And we'll come up We'll go to dinner Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah And one of the conversations He calls me back And he goes, hey man, I'm thinking I'm bringing my kids I go, dog, I'm bringing a kid

I'm not calling you to see the kids I'm calling to see you He goes, all right, I'll call you the moment. He didn't call me back. Yeah. I was like, I opened my fucking mouth. I said something about the kids. I really don't like his girlfriend's boyfriend.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I know she's a fucking baby. I was in the fucking outside when she was getting delivered. And she's been dating this creepy motherfucker but since she's like 17 showing up in my comedy shows with him and it eats me a lot. I'm one of those dudes. I'm saying.

I'm that, like, I'm that uncle. I just, and I can't say nothing. And I'm like, like, he was telling me he lives at the house with him. that sent me into a fucking loop. Like, I was like, this is, you let this guy live under the same roof with her in your fucking house. Like,

this isn't the guy I know, but I guess you make exceptions for your daughters. You know, I guess you say this is the guy that she likes and she wants. So I said it as a joke. It was true. I wanted to see him. His niece sent me a picture of me and him in high school hugging.

And I go, what in the fuck? Wouldn't it be nice? So for three months, I was like, there goes, 40 years. He called me two weeks ago, and he goes, he's still mad at me. I'm not mad at you. I can never be mad at him. Never.

After all we went through, I don't get, you can't come up, just call me. But he said, I was embarrassed, coax. I got shit going on with my life. You don't know, but, okay. I accepted. Now we've been talking. He's sticking a flying off of Black Sabbath at the Hollywood ball and doing acid with me. And that makes me feel good like that.

We could reconnect. I feel bad. Like, I didn't get him a gift for his wife. wedding, but I, like, but you flew out there. I flew out there. That was a genot and a tuxedo and shoes and a rent-al car. Yeah, maybe that's his woman saying. Yeah. No, no, no, I'm close with his wife.

And I was thinking, honestly, you, because I was thinking about maybe calling his wife, because we're close, but I don't want to go around somebody. No, call. Listen, what's going on? They haven't called me back. Maybe there's something going on. I don't know about it. Maybe this kid had a fucking heart attack. He's in the hospital room and she's watching them every night

Maybe his father is sick You don't fucking know these things Right So just call the wife and go hey I don't mean the pride But I've been called for three months Nobody calls me back Is everything okay? Is there anything I could do? But then here's the thing

Like I had a friend And I'm not gonna name names That we were super super close And then I could tell You know when someone starts shining you You can fucking tell right What's shining? You know when someone's like not

Like kind of dodging you But they're not really coming And when you do hang out, you can feel the energy's kind of fucked up. Did they owe? What? Did they owe? No. But then, and then I said to this person like, what's up?

And then she had like this whole fucking list of shit that I had done over like three or four months. And it was like, you have a fucking list? You have a list? You know? And some of it was like, because I teased her about her outfit once. But it was like, oh, you're so adorable. in that outfit. And then she got upset at that. And then she got mad because I said something about her friend that wrote thank you cards, made her daughter learn how to write, like stupid shit like that. And then she got, this is when I was like, okay, I have to disengage for a while. She got upset because my son and me were watching Comedy Central. And on Comedy Central, someone said, oh, that's a basic bitch. But as we were watching it in the kitchen, I was actually on Match.com, but I had my computer up, you know, my laptop where he couldn't see. was on match.com and he goes mom what's a basic bitch and I turn the computer around I go all these guys on

match.com basic bitches right and we laugh so hard so I tell my friend that and then she's like I was so offended that you and your son had that conversation you told me that story and I'm like are you fucking kidding yeah yeah yeah like why what the fuck is that about and when someone starts making a list it's like, fuck that. Did she have like a written down list? She didn't have a written down list, but when I was like, what's going on? I feel like there's this weirdness, and I had to kind of corner her, and then she's like, well, it's this, this, and this.

And then she goes, let's make an appointment next week and we'll talk about what our problems are with each other. And I'm like, the only problem I have is that my best friend don't like me anymore. That's the only fucking problem I have. Like, you have a fucking list, you know? And I said to her, you know, when you have a friendship, there's shit that you say in front of your that your friend gets annoyed, she said stuff in front of me, like how she doesn't have kids and how she was saying shit about kids on a plane. And you know, like, before I had kids, that, you know, I used to think the same things.

And no matter what someone would have told me, I would have never understood what fucking having kids is like. And so I said to her, well, sometimes you're really fucking mean about kids and how parents don't take care of their kids on a plane. And then I get all pissed off for like a millisecond. But then I realize you have that right to think that. And there's nothing I'm going to say that's going to change that. So who gives a fuck? I'm not mad about it.

You know, who gives a fuck, you know? But some people will like just take out of the air little tiny things that have nothing to do with you. And then you have to understand that friendship sometimes is letting that person have their moment. But that you don't have to buy into their shit. That's not you. That's him. You don't have to worry, even though you miss the friendship. You don't have to carry it around.

No, I know. But then, like, I feel bad. Like, I haven't... It's really tough. I don't know. When you go to college and you come out and start working, you're so focused on all that stuff. I just... I wasn't really a great friend.

I didn't call that off. But then again, like, no one... Whenever I feel like that, I'm like, no... I'm not, like, denying calls from all these people. So it's a two-way street. but you never want to lose someone. I'm a fucking animal. I've told Felicia for years.

And Lee and I were having a conversation. Felicia has felt it. And Lee and I were having a conversation at dinner tonight. I know you've had this comment. You've had this thought. Comedy is a great thing to do. Life is great. But comedy is even better

because you really get to learn the little things about life that while you're suffering as a stand-up comic, you're learning things. that most people won't see about human beings. And how people treat you on the road and how you've been stuck in certain situations. A complete strange ass bailed you out. And in my world, tonight, I was talking to leave our drugs.

You know, and we were talking about the disgusting things I did unblow with women. Just animalistic, disgusting things that didn't make me feel any... I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Like you meet somebody. They're with somebody. You give him a bump of a Coke mix, you know, you swap and spit finger in the bathroom.

Meanwhile, the data's at the bar. And you're sitting there, you go home, and you go, what the fuck just happened? What the fuck just happened? And you go, you know what? This is what comedy's all about. You know what I'm saying? Why question it? I'm not going to question life in the little things.

And you can't talk about this on stage. But believe it or not, I think of all those people. I still think of the stinky hot chick that picked me up in Ogillard. on Nebraska. I still, like I wish I knew her name, so I would have looked her up on Facebook and thanked her for the kind thing she did. In 1995,

when I was a fucking starving, doing a triple run, and the axle on my car broke down. And she picked me up hitchhiking. No bra on Felicia. It was like one of those episodes of, remember the hitchhiker on HBO? Late night, the guy would be hitchhiking on some hot chick would pick him off

and suck his dick and then drop him off. What a life. You know what I'm saying? Like, Jesus, I'm thinking about hitchhiking. This was perfect until she started saying, well, you come back to my place. Wait till my friends meet you, and we all pray together. And I'm like, wait a second. When you're talking about praying,

you just threw that curveball in. We were just going to go back and eat and dinner and have a great time and would pray. She goes, well, I live on a thing, a commune, and we pray at night. You're more than welcome to come over and eat and spend the night. I'm like, listen, drive me to the gas station. So my little fantasy just escaped, even her.

Yeah. Like you think about all these people. Like I do. I do. And I'm an animal. But when you had those moments of being with chicks like that and fingering them in a bathroom and poking them up and putting gum in their ass, whatever you're doing. I remember that story. Or the rapper in her butt.

But do at the time afterwards, did you feel, and I don't know if guilt is the right word, but did you feel gross about your behavior? Absolutely. You did? But for how long? Like, and then that was over? And I'm being completely serious. Or, you know what I mean? I would think of where the fuck that came from.

And I would ride it off to the cocaine at the position where I was in my life. Because that's something I would, you know, listen, when you're out drinking and doing it's like the comedy store we were discussing the other night. If you really think back about the disgust fest that was, you know, everybody on the outside thought it was. was a great time for comedy, but they really looked into the inside. It became an evil thing. Yeah, it was pretty gross. You know, and that's that drug trend of bringing your friend's girlfriend or your friend's wife or, you know, whatever the fuck you're doing. That's not home.

It's fun, you know, why you're doing it. But then you think back and you go, she's a mom today. One night we had two cocks on the fucking mount and a cork up her asshole and she's barking and shit. Today she's driving the kid to the seventh grade like nothing. You know, and you think about this, and you see them and you're happy that their life worked out. You don't know how many girls on Facebook that I grew up with that were fucking savages. And now I see them. They got a baby.

Their life chains. God bless them. Like you like God. I thought about all those people, Felicia, whether I fucked around with them or not. If you came into my journey, God forbid you gave me a ride or fed me or gave me a joint for the road. Oh, my God. I still think of those people, like people who drink. I drove me to those trailways to get a bus.

You meet those people on the road. You ever get to a town one night early? I think about one time I was doing a gig, and I had, this is when I was first doing comedy, and I had a 1970 Mustang, and it was a piece of shit, and I had to drive to do the comedy store, and the comedy store was at the old Dunes Hotel in Las Vegas, and I broke down in the middle of the desert, and some guy came with a truck and gave me a ride all the way to Vegas and I called and got my car towed and I think about all the time like how fucking nuts is that that I got into some guy's truck in the middle of the desert you know but that he did that kindness for me

you know it's crazy I'm on the run I got caught in a hotel room in San Francisco and I didn't get arrested but they were coming to get me I'll never forget this they were coming to get me and I took my ex-wife and we took a bus to Reno we got the arena we got the arena We couldn't even get rolling papers at that time. They were throwing in jail for 22 fucking years, so we took a bus right back to San Francisco. We went to the bus station, and the next morning we woke up

and we pulled in as many things as we could and shit, and we got in the fucking car. And something happened. She left the cash at the bus station, my ex-wife. From just partying all that stuff? Something weird happened. Something fucking weird happened at the bus station She went and got a soda

And put her purse down in the 800 hours And we had the karma coming to us Don't get me wrong It was coming to us We just didn't know what time Here it was Cops are looking for us We went a cab to the airport

We made the cab drive a turn around Take us back to the fucking bus station We looked while it was gone Guy goes Well you have a flight to catch Yeah, we do. She had a flight to catch. I was going to get stuck until she went home and got more money. So we went back to the airport and the guy gave us his business card.

And he trusted us. And she had to go back to get the front of the jewelry that we pawned. And she called the guy, he picked her up, gave her a ride to get the jewelry. She paid him the money. He drove her right back to the airport a year later. And I still think about that fucking cab driver. What? Most cab drivers would have said, Fuck you.

He drove his back to SFO and gave us a business card. We could have told him to fuck off and ripped that card up. I said, no, we're going to pay that guy that fucking money. I don't give a fuck how we pay it. We're going to pay that guy. It was like $55. We got the guy to fucking money. I've always felt good about doing that.

That's the type of shit that you make his day. You're like, what? You remember? Oh, my God. Like, in those days, I was doing a lot of bad thing. but from time to time I would do good things too and I still remember doing that like going back and she paid the guy

at $55 plus like a $100 tip and he wouldn't take the tip he was like no no I'm embarrassed no you fucking bailed us out that night you have no idea I still think about that guy that was 31 years ago like what happened to that fucking do like I wish I could do a sitcom

where I go looking for these motherfuckers just on like what happened to this guy that gave me a ride to the improv that time. You know, when you're a feature acting, you fly in, and you realize the club is 40 fucking minutes. That's a $200 camera. You basically got $30 in cash. There's no ATM card when I was featuring.

There was nothing. Right. You have no fucking idea. How many people picked me up at the airport for free? And, oh, my God, I think of those people. Like, I fucking don't remember their names, but I remember their faces, which... But also, when you hear a story about someone, paying someone back like I was engaged briefly to this guy after I was divorced and he got out of

nowhere a thousand dollar check from Chelsea Handler and apparently like 10 years beforehand when she had just come into town he had lent her money I don't know what the situation was I don't know but she when she made it on her show and everything 10 years later how many years later sent him the money back out of the blue. And I was never a big fan of hers, but I was like, damn, that's fucking awesome. That's awesome that she did that, you know? You make somebody's fucking day like that.

They, you give them faith for a day. You really give somebody faith for a day when you make that type of movement, when you're like, hey, 10 years ago, you gave me $82. And you know, like, until this day, I try to give already 40 bucks he left me.

And he always goes, nah, nah, no, no, I don't give a fuck. until this day I'm letting me 40 bucks on the road one time whenever I go to give it back to me like no no no

no get back to me so I you know you just think of all that shit I wish I would have written names down I wish I would have done

like a like I would have wrote my road log down like road wrote down like a diary of dates and kept it I didn't think

you know I didn't think I did have notebooks what I wrote like the day like what I wanted to do what I was thinking but it was, I would do it at night when I was coked up, so I couldn't even read it.

It was hieroglyphics in the morning. I would catch one word and try to put the fucking thing together, you know. But I wish I would have run like road diaries. And now I don't do nothing on the road. I go eat breakfast or free breakfast. I fucking talk to the guy at the fucking front desk. I get him at Ems at night. I go to my room.

That's it. That's it. I go to my room and drink coffee. I watch Lord Auditor. That's it. I think of my fucking life on the road now. to compare to, you know, when you did a gig and stayed out and fucking. But then you were featuring.

You didn't even give a fuck. You just need to come up with 20 minutes, and I'm out of that bitch. You know what I'm saying? So, but on the friend thing, I grieve over that every day. I grieve over not talking to Gwen Conti and Fernie and those guys. So to me, just knowing that he thinks about me from time to time, that made my day. Because I think about him, I think about sitting down with him, and maybe he, having a conversation, but I know that

I'm happy with that. If he hits me back on Facebook and wants to get together, come to a show, which he won't. He was never one of those type of dudes. I could get him to a movie or maybe a Chinese restaurant. That was the most of his extent. I couldn't get him out even in those days. He didn't understand, you know.

I would meet him for lunch or something. I just got together with another friend that I didn't talk to for maybe 10 years. And he was at a Salvation Army. me. He was getting his life back together. He was working on an elevator or something like that. I think about those dudes. I hung out with him when my mom died. I was with him every day

for fucking two years, every day. You know, your kid's age. You know, that was my house. He always complained to his mom. Ma, how come you give him a bigger piece of chicken than me? What the fuck? And he'd go think about the fucking situation, okay? Let him get the bigger piece of chicken. Yeah. And he had an aunt that lived in the back that was crazy.

So she'd be back there. Spanish television swart and flies. We just giggle at the Dia. We just giggle and she could go fuck yourself. We locked the door on her and shit. But he just called me. So it's nice. Listen,

some of the other guys, man, we went our own fucking ways. Another guy hit me up two weeks ago that was a cool with me. And then when he got in high school, we became an undercover cop and shit. And he started busting my friends. I didn't accept a friend request.

Fuck him. Fucking dude. bag. We were tired. He knew what we were doing. That's like cheating and shit. You know what I'm saying? He busted my friends. What type of fucking guy does that shit? I had this friend that I met when I was 19 who was a stripper and she was an awesome stripper. She had like the best costume. She would do theme shows. She would do, you know that song? Little Red Rodden Hood. She'd come out in a red cape and have a little basket and give everyone little chocolate kisses. And we've had this friendship

now for how many years. But sometimes we don't talk for like three and five years because she goes fucking crazy. And she just does crazy shit. But she's like my co-witness in one of the most turbulent times of my life. So she always means a lot to me. But she sometimes doesn't understand how a friendship should work. What's so funny?

What's so funny? I don't know. I'm laughing because I got to ask you a question. Okay. Ask me a question. What's going on? Sorry. Sometimes I wake up in the middle night to pee and I just don't get up.

What does that mean? And I just sleep with the fucking terror of pee inside of me for two hours until I finally got to give in and pee. I do it all the time. Oh, my God. What a horrible way to fucking sleep and live your fucking life. When you got to pee and you're like, fuck it. I'm not getting up. It's too cold to get up.

and you hold it for two hours. That's self-torture. Like most countries, that's disgusting. And you get up and you got to pee and shit. No, the worst is when you have to fart. Oh, no, I let it out. That's no problem. I don't give a fuck about it.

And then it's not a fart. I'm too old. I fart on the plane. It was so fucking bad. It was that paduca meat the other day. The guy next to me was sleeping. They went into his nostrils. He was snoring tremendous.

I love when they give a quck. They give that little fucking fart. So, I listen, and I know. all these things. Did you ever do that, Policia? Yeah. When do you shit yourself?

Yes, yeah. You've never done that? No, of course I have. Yeah. But what have you? I can't imagine you ever doing it. I didn't shit myself. It was just close to it.

You've never shit yourself in the middle of the night? No, no, I didn't shit myself in the plane. Okay. A couple years ago, I had an incident. I had to get up. I ate those tacos from the corner of that time. My Lancash and my luncheon. I got fucked up for two days.

I still did the headline spot at the improv the next night with diarrhea. You have no idea of it. I know, I know. You're up there holding your ass tight. You can't laugh. You can't sneeze. You can't giggle. One time my sister-in-law, she got the flu, and she's like, I have to sleep on a towel.

And I was giving her so much shit. And then I got the flu from her, and I had to sleep on a towel. It's crazy. There's a comedian at one point. You just started snapping. Her girl snapped in New Jersey this weekend. Yeah. Did you see that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't snap in New Jersey. Did she snap or she was just talking about what you want to talk about? She snapped. Okay. Listen to me. Do you know what comes out of my mouth at that fucking club? Yeah.

Okay. That club, I worked that motherfucker raw. That's my back fucking yard. Do you understand me? You have any fucking idea I throw down at that club? I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. I grew up there.

I know all the little intricacies and the different towns. I could say. where they go to spring break, I know all that shit. And I've never fucking had a bad setting there. They're savages. She said a rape joke. I don't know what the fuck happened last night.

I don't know what the fuck happened. Something must have fucking happened. See, the people go to see a sensitive white people. They're Gentiles. And sometimes she goes up. They are. They glooms free. They drink macachinos.

In Jersey, too? Oh, they got them. Yeah. Oh, those people are spreading. Yeah. Oh, those fucking people are spreading. I'm happy you're here. I'm really happy you here

because there's something I got to show you. Lysayat, I call Lysayat today. I haven't seen this in years. You know, listen, I came from Cuba. All I ever wanted to be was a dirty white person. That's all I ever wanted in a life. When I was about 13, I really got a fucking taste of it. My mom put music out in the bar.

And I heard this music, and I'm like, wait a second. Morrison was dirty. but that poetry shit didn't make them that dirty that poetry shit pulled them out like the end is strong but when I heard the Allman Brothers Felicia something about them

that makes me go abe shit like especially so puts some amounts for Felicia put on the Allman Brothers live from the Philmore East 929-1970

whipping post Okay that's gonna have to Just put whipping post live from the Fillmore East. I want Felicia to see it. By the way, I saw this and I was in Kansas with my family over Easter and my

stepmother was watching PBS, but she was watching a documentary about the sound studios and muscle shows. Oh shit, it's on Netflix. It's such an amazing documentary. No, that's badass. Who went there and shit? Did you watch vinyl last night? I did, yes. When he went to talk to Elvis?

Oh, yes. And he's like, what, we go to muscle shows? Yeah. Elvis was fucking foaming at the fucking mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, let me blow my nose. Yeah. Lee, if you get a chance to watch this documentary,

it was so amazing. And it was about how Dwayne Allman came down, and then he brought his brothers. But all the people that recorded in those studios, it's amazing. The stones, the reith of Franklin, all the people. Look at these. two savages. And then we're going to fast forward this.

You know, people talk about singers. Anybody could go up there and sing. But to lay your soul down, two different worlds. Hit it, Lisa. Why start from the beginning? Just in the beginning. We'll fast forward it. Watch these savages.

See, these guys didn't know. They weren't thinking about Trump. They weren't thinking about Republicans. They weren't thinking about black people. This band, they were just thinking of being white people. brilliance. This is all this is. This is white brilliance. Listen to that guy's voice, though.

Look at that boy's face. Yeah. Are you fucking fuck Brad Pitt. Fuck Dan Michael Vincent. Fuck son's anarchy. Look at his eyes. What the fuck you think is on his mind? Oh.

Oh. Are you fucking kidding me? I know. It's pretty amazing. So awesome. What do you think he's picking about? He's like, I'm not going to fuck up. That's what he's thinking. That's the white brilliance, Felicia. These guys are from dirty town in Florida or Jacksonville or one of those places that, look at them.

This guy don't know. Nobody sent him, but he don't even care about the memo. He don't have time to fuck with the memo. Do they have two drummers? I think they do, right? Yeah, they have two drummers. I like the black one. Listen, ask Dorman Brothers who they like, and they'll go. He doesn't have a color.

They didn't think that way. These guys thought about the soul of the music. That's right. That's why in the documentary, that was really one of the first times in those studios were blacks and whites worked together. And they were talking about, in Muscle Shoals, how they would come out of the studios,

and there'd be white guys and black guys, and everyone would stare at them just hanging out because they had the connection of music. And how when Dwayne Allman came, he was the first guy that had the long hair, and then people really were like, who the fuck was that, you know? They didn't look at color, though.

They looked at, they didn't even see color these guys. They grew up in fucking, we hate, Brothersville. Look at this guy. How many joints you think he smoked? this shit this morning had me sweat Felicia pouring out of my armpits my sides were sweating I was drinking coffee

I was banging that fucking pipe outside I watched this whole thing I was like Jesus Christ Look at effortlessly Look how cool he is Now I think that guy's Dickie best That's the crazy guy that they all talk about The one in the middle The guitar player

Or is he a bass band? The guitar player. He's just as lethal as this fucking savage right here. Why that really affects you? This is white brilliance. This is something that

they didn't walk around with their coffee cups. They didn't care about what you do. Look at them. Look at them. They didn't care. They cared about the, this is live. It sounds like, and there's, I don't know how many fucking people there.

That's a big place. These guys were, this will never happen again. You don't think? Never again. Yeah. They don't appreciate it. They don't, this is something completely different. They were going.

You think those guys have a costume designer? You didn't they got tattoos? You did you see any of hats? Did you see any of that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Give me the fucking guitar.

You really want to. You know what you're getting yourself into by coming here tonight. Yeah, well, I didn't know. We're going to rock and you're going to suck. You ready. That's what they did. Look at them. They didn't fucking care.

Yeah. They didn't care. They haven't let it, skin it are the best things that happened. And I always say, if the fucking they wouldn't have died, it would have been a different game. But these guys, they're fucking, that's too much for me to even watch. That fucking makes me get the car and just drive off a cliff. because I could never get that good.

I could never be that free. Really? That's... Even when you're on stage and you're just talking some major shit and you're not even doing your act and you're just free-flowing. Those guys tapped into something. I could tap into something. But for you want you, Lee, and I to tap into something together,

it's a completely different ballgame. At the same time. Right, right. fucking stage connecting. Yeah. That's perfectly. That'll never happen again. Led Zeppelin at the garden. That'll never happen

again. UFO, strange than the night. That'll never happen again. And you, when you have a great set, it's not at that level. Well, the best set of your life. Listen, man, I dream to achieve that type of perfection. That's

what you dream of. Not one night, but to do that three out of five nights. on the road, alcohol, women, drugs, freedom. That's a big fucking word. And that's what those guys were. They didn't give a fuck. They reached the level.

To do that at the Fillmore East, you know, to have all those songs. Watch that whole thing. And you'll sit there and go, what the fuck on these guys on? I'll do it. I'll do it. What do they got?

Give me the exact Chinese powder they were on and who shot it. And that's what I want to add. That's perfection. Do you ever have a time in your life where you did sets that were so exceptional to you that you remember it? Like for me, I remember living in New York and I did once set at Joe's Pub, which was sometimes kind of a hard place to work. And I don't know how it happened, but I had one of the best sets that I'd ever had. And I still think about that night how it was like lightning struck for me.

Do you ever have a set like that that you think about? Yeah. Yes. And where was that at? Last year on the road. Last year on the road, there would be a couple cities I would go into it and I'd have my fucking way to the point where I couldn't believe it. Like there were ice house crowds. You weren't doing great.

You were manhandling them like for 40 fucking minutes, you know, like, four. 46 minutes of manhandling them. When we taped a special in Vegas, that special is Caputz because I didn't manhandle it. The room was too big and my timing was off. I had to do too much time. I felt like I had to drag my material and get my point across.

It really wasn't my style. I'm not good at shooting fucking specials, man. I'm good at shooting CDs. I'm not really good at specials for some reason. Why do you think that is? I got like a mental block in my mind. I fucking fold two days before this special. Really?

Yeah, I followed two days before the special. I just cave. It's too much. Yeah. I don't know. I always think that the three specials that fucking inspired you. Well, for sure, Richard Pryor live on Sunset. Really?

Yeah. Why? Because right when I, Jeff Aldez, when I was 19 years old, I lived with him, and my dad came in to Denver, and my dad was projection. and he had to go. His job is when the old equipment was being replaced, he would go in and replace the old equipment and put the new equipment in and take it with him.

And he worked at a really old theater where he replaced the equipment and it was Richard Pryor's Live on Sunset that came on and that changed my life. And then I saw about a year ago the documentary about Richard Pryor doing that special and how the first night when he did that special, Bombed. Bombed. Bombed.

That was about the time at the Hollywood Bowl, where he went up there, the gay thing. They called a bunch of fags. Yeah. Where were you when I needed your and shit? Right, right. And then, I mean, like, his ass must have been sweating. He was bombing so hard. And then he came back the next night and killed it.

You know? And I can relate as a comic to that, you know, to. And I think that you don't even have. to be a comic to relate to that, you know, something you're doing at your job where you fucked up, you know, and you know you got it. And then you're like, I'm going to fucking do it no matter what. And then you go back and you kill it the next night. So for that, that's one of my top specials that I think changed my life in the beginning and then changed my life a year or two ago when I saw the documentary. I think it was a year ago. Well, I took the bus to go see that special.

You did? I took the bus on a Friday night with Sabatino. Domine Special, his older brother. We had to be 13, 14, maybe 15, I guess, right? Something like that. We took the bus down there, and I got my arm cut. At the way out, they tried to mug us in Jersey City. But I remember going to see that special being happy because he had recovered from the burn and all that shit.

But when he did that joke, I think I almost fell down. And there's many nights that I've sat there smoking weed, thinking about that night. Thinking while I was watching that at that early age in the back of my mind was I really thinking about stand-up and I got a look at you and tell you the truth and not at all. I thought it was brilliant what he had done. I fucking went home.

I had bicentennial nega. I had, was it something I said? In fact, today I went to the doctor. I got on the elevator. There was five chicks, five old bats. Get on the fucking elevator. I get on with them. And they're all stirring me down, right?

I'm sitting in the back. I didn't say nothing. I didn't say a word. I got in the back. and all of a thing, elevator two, the second floor, the thing opens up, and all five hagg's all got. I look at the one, I go, was there something I said? And that's the cover.

It was one out with the thing on, and there's a bunch of white people's got a mascot, or they got hoods on, or something like that. When I heard that, that really impacted me. Yeah. That really. And again, stand-up was nowhere close. When I went to see that guy from Boston in 87, stand-up,

was not even on the fucking, horizon. Nothing. At all that time, nothing. I didn't even think about it like that. I didn't start thinking about it seriously till 88 and I'd get on stage till 91. So that's how long I drag my fucking feet, you know. When I think of specials, I think of that one. I think of Andrews special. Who's? And Andrews, the first one's from Philadelphia, Andrew Diceclan. I think of Eddie Murphy's delirious. And two nights before I'm doing my special I cave because in the back of my mind they'll never be that good.

That's what I want. I want that type of perfection that it happens once in a lifetime, but it lives forever. You know? Yeah. In the back of my mind, I cave. Even though I'll go on the road four weeks and polish it and cut shit out and really tune up the energy because I got to come out. Once I come out, energy high, I got them.

but I got to come out in the first round like Rocky Bob Bow. I can't piss around and make believe I'm Seinfeld. Once I think I'm Seinfeld, it's over. I'm so surprised to hear that. Yeah. You help me a lot because you told me once you are what you are. People come see that type of shit and that nonsense. And I understood it.

I go, she's right. There's people I can listen to them. There's people I cannot listen to. And that's just the way life is, you know. Well, conversely, when I started at the comedy store, Richard Pryor would come in and he would come in on a Tuesday night and he would do a set. And, you know, that special changed my life. But then you fast forward 10 years later or whatever and probably not 10, like five years later.

And he would come in to the original room, go up at 8.30 on a Tuesday night and he would be so fucking terrible. And you, as a young comic, you'd be sitting there going, what the fuck, man? This is supposed to be the great prior. but you're young, you don't know. And then you would see him come in every night. And then they'd come in Wednesday and maybe one joke would work. And by Friday night, it would be like fucking butter. You know what I mean?

It would be so amazing. And you're like, this is the fucking great prior and he would be killing it. And that was a big lesson to me as a comedian. To see someone who I revered so much to eat the biggest shit and not care. Not care. Chappelle does that. I saw Chappelle do that the other night. You have to do that.

You have to do that. You have to do that. That's the tight rope. That's the tightrope. That's the discipline. That's it. Until you can do that, nothing really moves forward. That's why what really helped me was 98 at the store.

I got involved in something up there that was a sort of storytelling. And that gives you patience. When you saw the storytell, you've got to be up there for a minute or two weaving them. So you've got to become interesting. That taught me the patience. We hit it. Let's do some shout-outs here. Felicia's going to go do a set and shit.

You're sitting there all fucking stone. I'm happy you came by and shit. Well, thank you for having me. That's right, you bad motherfucker. Oh, no. It's interesting. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. God damn, I've missed you, Joey. As I have

Somebody who will swear to be true As you used to go pick up the steroids tomorrow I got to go on a four-week steroid plan To reduce the swelling in my nose What's going on with that? It's just, I had to answer a question there And if you got like four out of fucking seven

And that's it. So for four weeks, I go on a steroid thing. Reduces the swelling. I got to be off this by Friday. Yeah, that stuff is no good if you get addicted to it, right? Yeah. Now it's not even working no more. So how you pass do.

I'm going to have a hard time working out because when I can't breathe, I get anxiety. So you're allowed to put one spray in the morning on one nostril and one spray in the other one every 12 hours. And you've got to just go wean yourself off and just toughen it up for the weekend, like us. I used to have an uncle and a cousin who was addicted to that nose spray, and they would keep it in their little pocket. Oh, my God. And they would, speaking of a guy with the mirror, always doing that, right, with a spoon, and they would be every, like, five to ten minutes, he'd do a snort, snort.

No, I got it. The last couple weeks, ten days, I've been blast one or two, and I got it. I got to blow my nose and then put my head back and let it go in there. And I've been sleeping at night, so hopefully they're going to put a balloon in there in four weeks. You know what I'm saying? Lee, you're right over there. That little 200 package fucking kill you.

Give you some shoutouts here, my mate, Chris Penny, Bob Lillingerus, hoping your dad's good. Joey Rookland looking good. Hayden Herbert, Kyle Uber, Travis Anderson, Rad Jazz, and my man, Jesse Wright. If you motherfuckers and the San Francisco, Oakland Bay Area this weekend,

Felicia Michaels is working at the... I'm going to be in Reno. Reno. Reno at the Silver Legion. Silver Legacy, but it's the laugh factory in the Silver Legacy. No, but people drive on the weekends. Sometimes people do, yeah, yeah. No, they do, they do, they will.

They have nothing going on. They'll say, you know what, fuck them, let's take a ride to Reno, get fucked up. Watch Felicia Michaels, fucking blow the stage up in Reno. That's a good little place. Yeah, I can't wait. Have you been there? Have you been there? Uh-uh, not to that room.

I used to go up there when there was a Catcher Rising Star. No, Catcher Rising Stars, are they done? I don't know. I think there's one in Jersey still, isn't it? Check it out. Lisa, I are. I am banned from there. Are you really?

Me and a kid from Philly, the kid that does the signs for the improv. Hey, you, don't talk. And he's from Philly. You would go to any of the improms in the beginning of the show. A guy comes down and goes, I know you're here. You came down to watch comedy, but your cell phone. Shut up. What's his name?

Todd Glass. Todd Glass. Todd Glass is from Philadelphia, and me and him are the only two comedians band from the whole Catch-It-R-R-R-E-Rat. What did you do to get banned? I was working the week, and there was a snowstorm. And at 5.30, they called me, and they go, hey, we're canceling the show. Then at 7.30, it died snow, and they called me back.

And they go, we got a show, and I was in the city. So I said, guys, I'm in the fucking city. I'll never make it. You guys could do this to me. There's a snowstorm. There's traffic. So I didn't show up. They gave me my check and shit, but then they just said, he's fine.

He's... I was always working Reno. Reno was good. Yeah. Reno was a fun place because the machines were fucking broken. So you'd always hit the jackpot for $1,100. But then the clinker is the guy that ran the fucking club was tight with the floor manager. So on Saturday they'd let you go on the booth.

And they would run the money for like 10 minutes and you could catch money. You got to do what you got to do. That's right. When you're a cocaine problem, you know what I'm saying? Every $10 count. In the old day, as you checked in and. they gave you an envelope. Soon as you came in, they gave you an envelope.

A coupons for the Chinese noodle bar and the buffet. Not bad. I went there with, what's the guy that died, the Vietnam vet, Cuban, Vince from the comedy store, got diabetes. Towards the end, the Asian wife, nice guy, did the CDs for everybody. He did the week with me. I did it with Schubert one week. I was doing it a lot. And then they fucking banned.

But I was up there twice a year up there, the Silver Legacy. I would hit the jackpot for 900 and then I would get three, four, five, six hundred in the fucking thing and they gave you a measly 75 his check, you know, it didn't do anything for you, but who gave the fuck? Just the little things you made dough

and the guy was cool because the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant manager at the club was also the manager at the recording studio. So he would steal the dopes. Uh-huh. Who does that shit?

Oh, this is when the improv was there? No, this is when catch was in. There was a kid that was a manager at the comedy club. But in the daytime, he worked at the recording studio, and bands would go up there to record, and he would put an extra tape recorder on, you know what I'm saying? Then he would pull him out and give him to him to him as a gift. So when Arrowsmith was up there rehearsed,

and he taped all the fucking rehearsed, shit like that. Right. He was just a dynamite kid. He paid you on Friday instead of Saturday, and you got your check-cashed. Right. He was just one of those guys. that you think about and go, wow, where is he?

You know? That's it. Lee, you're 26. You're going to make a thousand friends and you're going to lose a thousand friends. And you're going to sit there and go, what the fuck happened? And now, thank God Facebook. Thank God you have Facebook now because now there's a slight connection to these people. If Felicia Michael gets bored one night, she goes, what happened to that open mic or an 88?

You could press her name in and she'll come up on Facebook. or not, and all of a sudden you realize they live in some town in Tampa, Florida, and she's got three kids or something, that's the power of Facebook. That's what Facebook, you know, 10 years ago was classmates.com. Classmates.com is dead and buried.

Fuck you. You know what I'm saying? I don't even remember classmates, though? Yeah, they're still around lurking, trying to get a 20 from you, the peak. Remember your first crush in high school? Give us 9.95. We'll see.

I get my 20 bucks. Nothing never happened. Nobody fucking registers for class. Only geeks hang out for Groom. The fucking killers, they don't, you know, Karnak Asidorian, the Charlie Gizzy. He's not got a set at a classmates.com. I think it still exists. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Classmates. com, but ain't nobody giving them $9.95. They got Facebook now. Who gives a fuck? What is it? How much is it to join? Let me look and find out.

This is the first time they've even had advertising. I'm fucking you. I'm giving them free fucking advertising. That's done. I forgot all about that. Yeah, they've been lurking on Facebook. You pop up from time to time. Hey, you want to bump into Mildred?

You know what? And pay you? I'm on Facebook talking to Mildred's brother right now. I've got to give you $9.95 to join and fucking see pictures in high school. Has there ever been an experience where you've bumped into somebody and you were like, step back and sneak away? Bump into them from what era? Any era?

A lot of people show up the shows now. Mm-hmm. And it's really interesting. It really, I think about them. I think about our interaction. Like when they hit me on Facebook or they surprise me and I go, hold on, hold on, great to see you. Let me go take pictures.

Well, I'm taking pictures of people. I'm thinking about our history. Like, why is he here? You know? And sometimes I'm really happy to see people. But sometimes, I don't know. It's kind of weird. Like they, I don't like how they show up.

You know, especially when I go to Florida. When I go to Florida, they come out of the woodwork. And there's people that are really dynamite that I see that come up, give me a hug, and they're like, I've got to go, bro. And I'm like, shoo. Yeah, yeah. But then there's people that want to lurk. There's one guy Louis Jerez, old school, North Bergen,

and he comes up to the show, pays for his own ticket. And on the way out, I'll see him out of the corner of mine. He'll go, yo. And I'll see him, and he'll come over, give me a hug. He'll just disappear because he understands the situation and what's going on and stuff. But 9-10 times, Felicia,

fuck yeah, I'm happy to see somebody. Fuck yeah. And there's people that I want to see that haven't popped their head up. That's what really kills me. Like, I did a lot of things with them. You know what I'm saying? It's easy they got a hold of me now.

I'm going to fucking, I'm on all this shit, you know? But anybody from those days, yeah, I like to have a conversation with them. From that rap act that I don't know with that we were kind of crazy. I don't talk to stinky anymore. But I talk to his brother. I talked to his brother like once a month. We're still tight.

And he sends messages. And at the end of the conversation, he always apologizes for his brother, not talking to me. And him and I don't talk because he told me as a man. He goes, listen, I'm really proud of you, what you did, man. But I can't talk to you. I mean, he said it to my face.

Felicia. Oh, really? On the phone. Really? Nobody's ever done something like that. But why did you not want to talk to you? This was after, uh... You know why, Felicia?

Because as much as we loved each other, every time we'd see each other, it was never nothing good. And I came a pussy hair from ruining his life. We both could have got arrested for robbing a jewelry store with Marble Ed, and we both would have done 10 fucking years, all three of us. And I think that sometimes he thinks about that. And he goes, what the fuck?

Every time I was with this fucking dude. I mean, Felicia, every time, we had a good time. But he wasn't an innocent. But in some people's mind, Felicia, like my buddy of Villal told me one time that he actually hooked up with Fernie. And that during the conversation, Fernie said, you don't want me to tell you something? My mom's really mad at you. And he goes, what are you talking about? And she goes, my mom's really mad at you because of all the parties you had growing up.

My mom always thought that the problems I got into was because of you. That's a weird fucking angle to have my life that you used to have a lot of parties. So I became fucked up because of your parties. But I didn't talk to Stinky from 93, and then I probably called him in 2001. I was in Jersey and I was driving, and I got his number from a friend of mine. I called him up. He answered the phone. we talked for like 15 minutes

and then he said listen my life has changed now I got a kid I'm a born again Christian I don't drink I don't do this no more I don't do that no more I just work

and he had gotten money he had gotten a stock buyout like he started at UPS and they used to pay so he started at UPS and 82 dog that's the only job he's ever had since high school. He started at UPS in 81.

How many years is that late? 1916, that's a lot. 35, 35 years. He's been at UPS since he was a senior in high school. Wow. It's like in 2000, they did a stock buyout. He got like $3 million. Are you serious? Stop talking to his brother for a few years because of the dog. Stop talking to a few of his friends.

So when I called him, he was still on the, don't even think of me. like on that defense. You follow me? And I said to him, you know, it's good to talk to you. You know, I always loved you. And he goes, I love you too. He goes, but listen, here's the truth.

I changed my line. He goes, so I appreciate me lose my number. And I didn't say fuck off or nothing. I go, you know what, thank you for the honesty. Thank you for always being there for me when I was a kid. I understand. I didn't shut a tear because at least he told me. Told you.

Oh, because when people don't tell you, that's worse. Yeah. He said it right out. And I was like, you know what, man. And I thought about it. I broke it down. I never did nothing bad to him. In fact, we made dough together.

But thinking back, I took him down some dark streets. That he could have got out of. Don't get me wrong. There's no victims in my fuck. There's no victims here. Yeah. He could have said playing times dog the same for me. And guess what?

The type of guy I am, I would have still taste, gave him a taste. Because I loved him as a brother. We were together for a long time. We did a lot of shit together. There was a time. You know, Felicia, I was telling Lee, and I used to buy a thousand black beauties for $40. Jesus.

You know what that's like? You have? A thousand. Because $40,000 divided by $40,000, that's nothing. That's penny apiece. Not even. Not even. So if you bought 10 hits of masculine something, I'd throw in 10 fucking black beauties and you go,

oh my God, you're the best. No. It costs me fucking 10 cents. I used to make so much money on those black beauties. He had a girlfriend that used to do him, and I used to give him a cut just because he'd sell him. I'd give him like 50 bucks a week when he was a sophomore. In his world, 50 bucks was he could go to clubs. You know, when he was 16 in those days, you went out at night.

I would give him a cut. He would call him up, and I'd say, listen, I sold this this week, take a cut. Oh, yeah, yeah, I told this guy to buy ups from me. Just because he was helping me out a little bit. I always took care of him. And when we were robbing, whether he held the gun or not, I gave him a lot. I gave my taste. You know, I always gave a taste.

My brother's got the car. Was it a bigger taste if he had a gun? The more action you do. You show up with the eyeball, you get more action. If you show up and go looking at that building on the third floor, there's a guy who's got a million dollars up there. What I'm going to do is this, Joey. I'm going to catapult up to the third floor.

I got that fucking chain like Spider-Man. I'm going to pull myself up going. All I want you to do is get more with a walkie-talkie. I expect 300 G's. For a walkie-talkie? Why not? Why not? Working it.

Working it like a professional. How do you work walkie-talkie? You were out here with your dog, you know, with a, what they can see your face, that the cops pass by. I'm on the corner watching deep. I got a fucking CB radio on my ear with the cop fucking thing. So if somebody calls and says,

we see a little Jew ball, the guy going across on a fucking catapult. You understand me? I got the fucking police radio on my fucking ear. That's a CB guy. I'd give you like 100,000. No, no, no, no. You got to get me 300 large. 300 to 3rd.

100,000 for the job and 200 to keep my mouth shut. Right or wrong. Right or wrong. You want me to go tell them to see, if you give me 100 grand, I'm going to go home and think about it and say he's a greedy motherfucker. What if I tell my friends, Lee has $900,000 in his apartment right now. you're going to last 15 fucking minute if I put it out there on the police walking talking

you'll last 15 minutes those guerrillas will kick your fucking door and throw you off the balcony How would you get the word out back then? Oh my God, just go to the bar and sit there and get a drink and go Oh Lee's got 900,000 his apartment You believe that?

Suddenly there's no one in the bar but you And people will look at each other and go What are you talking about? Fucking Lee and me robbed that joint Fucking Jew bastard gave me on your fucking granny He got a million cash, 900,000. That's it. You're sure.

Yeah, where's he got the money? Well, we just robbed them 10 minutes ago. This has got to be in this house. You're dead. You're dead. What people will do for 900,000 cash? You're dead. Don't march right in there with math.

They don't care about cameras. No, kick the door down. Put a gun in your mouth. Go, where's the money? You'll be negotiating. I'll give you $200,000. Boom. That's it.

It's over. They'll just take the fucking money. You want to just give it to them. Joey put the word up, but you give me 300,000. It's 100 to keep my mouth, you're not 100 to forget. Remember that thing we did? What thing?

I don't know what you're going on. That's it. Those are expensive thoughts to forget. $700,000 you're going to clear for fucking bingo the clown for 10 minutes. Who are you kidding? Who are you thinking is out there working the walkie-talkie? Like a savage.

What if I just cut the fucking rope and call the cops on you? You're my competition. You fall off. I go up there and take the mill. You ever think about that? No, you didn't. So this is why you pay the small 3%

and everybody's happy. You go to an island, I never see you again. It's not the small 3% and the small 33%. What was the movie with Sean Penn? He did with his wife. In the late 80s,

he was in the Irish mom. And he didn't like what he was seeing. So how he got out was, He staged it with John Totoro Really good fucking movie He staged the fake hit And he disappeared to Boston And became a cop

Then the guys with Gary Oldham Ooh Yeah what was that movie And Ed Harris And fucking the blonde Robin Wright You know who also in that movie State of Grace

State of Grace You know what was in that movie Burgess Meredith Oh yeah Remember they kick his door down He's like I don't know nothing. I'm just eating fucking beans out of a can. I'm an old man. I don't see nothing.

He's in that fucking movie. But that was the plot with Sean Penn, that he had done something, so that rep... That was still out there. So when he went back, that's the first thing that Harris made him do. He was a couple years ago, you shot a guy up in the Bronx. You got to go up there and show him up because he knows. He gets pinched for something. He's going to come back.

Where else... Oh, I was watching something else. Badoo. Yeah, I was watching something where that... Anyway, who gives a fuck. Mario? Yes, I did. That was a fucking awesome movie. She was very good.

She was great in it. She was very good. Benicio was amazing in it. And the other guy was good. I always liked him. He's really good. He used to be married to that chick, hot-looking guy.

Older now, with the flip-flops on throughout the movie. He was Roland. James Rowland. He was a fucking good, though. Lee, what's going on with you? Speaking of the movies, I went to the drive-in this weekend.

It was so much fun. What was the name of the place? Yeah, I went to the one you were talking about. It's like the violin. Pacific Theater or something. It's actually cool. Pacific Theater seems to have a bunch of small theaters, but it couldn't have been more fun.

It's like an hour away in like a crappy neighborhood or something, like City of Industry. It's right by the train tracks, which is like the one downside. But it was cool. Like they had, it built like kind of like a ski slalom, so you could park the car, tilt it up, and we had a clear shot of the screen. Yeah.

Saw two movies. We had Snack. We didn't leave the car once. It was great. You had your own car. No one was talking. You could be on your phone if you want to. Paul,

like if Paul wants to talk during the movies, she can talk and they won't, like ruin the theaters. It was pretty amazing. When I was growing up, my dad owned a drive-in movie theater in Stockton, California, and it had the biggest screen in Northern California,

and he lived on it, this is so white trash. He lived on a trailer, at the back of the lot, and he had a picture window in his trailer. And so you'd be eating dinner, and you would see, like, Orca crashing into the pier, you know what I mean? And our job growing up, mostly my brother's job, was to go and pick up all the garbage. And sometimes you'd find a lot of money, but mostly shitty diapers.

I was like the worst job ever. It was so terrible. You went to the drive. The funny thing is, every time you do a gig, you've seen that drive. theater. Somebody brought it to my attention. Somebody went down a date like 10 years ago. And she told me, she goes, I went down a date on a theater. It was great. What's the name of the place? It's on the five. And it's close to here. It's fucking 20 minutes. No. Or it turns into an hour because there's traffic. It's a while away. Really? I wasn't really even on the five.

We took the 10 a little bit down. We took like the 210 to the 10 sort of way. But it was great. You have to go and go see a movie that's probably not super serious because the sound isn't great. I had to play with my stereo to get it perfect. But it was nine bucks each.

It was amazing. It could have been more fun. My first experience at a movie was when I was really little. My parents went to a drive-in theater and it was to go see the Yellow Submarine at the Beatles Yellow Submarine

And I have this memory of being like two years old, standing up in the back seat, and watching the movie and going, what the fuck is going on? You know, because it was such a crazy movie. Like, I couldn't understand. It's like I should understand this as a cartoon. I saw that movie as a child. I didn't know what the fuck. I know, right? I didn't get movies until I went to see Herbie the Love Bug.

And then I got a little enthused about it. And then I saw like the strongest man in the world, whatever. there were Jam Michael Vincent. It was a Disney movie. And then after that, I just dove into it. I went to see a James Bond movie. I never went back to the kid movies. Like, all that shit was bullshit Snoopy.

Right. Once I saw Her Majesty's Secret Service, I lost it. And then my godfather took me to see, like, either Death Wish or Stone Killer. And I really lost it. Like, that was it. I wasn't going back to Disney bullshit. Then I just got worse and worse. Like, I went to see it.

the Exorcist in the movie theater. That makes it 10 years fucking old. That's not good. Yeah. That's not bueno. But in those days, they didn't give a fuck. They didn't care. There was no PTSD.

You know, you should have PTSD after watching The Exorcist. When you're 10. There was another movie that had come out about two years after the Exorcist, maybe about a year after the Exorcist. And what they did was they tried to outdo the Exorcist, and they gave you a puke back. Oh. And it was like the Satan's tongue or something. Oh, really?

And they ripped out, that was it. They ripped out somebody's tongue in the movie or something. But then Middard Express did it, and it was fine then by that time. They don't even edit that on ABC. Well, they don't show on ABC, but I remember when Midnight Express was on ABC, and they didn't edit that part. Wow. You know what was on tonight, Lee?

You never discussed it with me. You never told me what you thought. I am not big on superhero movies. Okay. I have never been big on superhero movies, but it was on tonight. and I had peace and I watched it for an hour and I got to tell you something, I cried. That's why I love The Crow so much.

Oh, okay. That is why The Crow, listen, I'm a sucker for a romantic movie, but not the good-looking dude with Sandra Bullock. That's not a romantic movie to me at all. Rocky Boboah in the first Rocky, that's as romantic as it gets. He found love of a woman, changed her fucking. Every time I see that movie, it changes me more.

You know what I was watching it? before he goes to the arena and the shorts and it doesn't really matter and he goes back and he's breaking down and she puts him together. They did that on one take. That retard that walks around that people make fun of his shit. I watch Creed on the plane. It wasn't an Academy Award winner. The Crow? The fucking black kid wasn't bad in Creed.

Oh, no, no, no. He was really good. That's a fucking good actor. That's a good-looking dude, dog. That's going to cause damage. That's going to be a really good guy. He shouldn't want to ask her, so black people shouldn't be pissed. about that.

Rocky, you know why he didn't win? Because to people like that, he's a joke. But in my world, he's a hundred billion dollar joke because he's laughing all the way to the fucking bank with that goddamn movie. I saw that. I saw Creed. I had a great time. I'll get what anyone is. He fucking wrote Rocky.

Like, Rocky's not a script. There's so many little intricacies in Rocky that you look at and go, that Mo Mo wrote this, like he felt this during the, like he explained this to the direct. Like, this is what I really feel in this scene. Let's do it. him doing that, I've always given the respect that man fucking deserves.

She's got an honest. I don't know. They got me all fucking confused, Felicia. But yeah, the quote was, it was interesting. It was very... You didn't like it. No, no, no. Tell me what you really fucking thought. I don't want you to... It's not a great movie. I thought it was interesting because it's like a very 90s movie.

Just like with the tones and the lighting and the, especially like the synthesizer music in it. but it was I think I like it because like when you're in love you see stuff like that when movies and stuff

it was a good movie but it wasn't it never really took me anywhere it was just it was fun watching I was never really scared or I didn't really know what to feel it was just

listen in my world how good was the pussy that you came back from the dead to avenger yeah I thought the little girl was really good he fucking loved that woman with all his heart.

And just to think that a man could love a woman that much, how sad he was. He came back to avenger, and he fucking killed everybody. He scared the kid's mom. Yeah, that was good. When he took the heroin out of her fucking arms, when he kills that dude, Luther from 48 hours and all that shit, James Patrick,

I did that movie with him, the longest yard, dynamite guy. I loved that because the guy kept saying, there ain't no coming back. There ain't no coming back. There ain't no coming back. And he taped him up. He put a grenade in this fucking pocket. No, that's a tremendous scene.

He loved that woman that fucking much. He took the other guy, put him in the fucking tub and chopped him up. Tremendous. Nobody does this type of shit no more. You know what I'm saying? Like, you really got to love it. He dug himself out of the grave. He had the makeup, the music.

He had good actors in the movie. There was some fucked up dark. shit in the movie and then to top it all off he gets killed he gets shot during that movie yeah with a fucking gun from the set now one charge was ever fucking oh he was shot oh really nobody ever got charged nobody ever went to jail for that i think i think man in the movie he got charged so what happened he got shot while he was shooting that movie that's what that's what you didn't know i'm trying to fucking was it because it was a fake uh ground but it just weirdly it had a ground in it and had like a thing that had metal so it went off like a bullet or

I guess. I don't remember the whole story. But nobody ever got like, this guy died mysteriously. Got shot during that fucking movie. So did someone have to else finish the role? They used his face. You don't even see it. It was like three or four or five scenes or something like that. It was just the weirdest fucking thing.

You know, so 20, 30 years earlier, this happened with his father. It was an accidental death. He went to some woman's house, took aspirins. He passed out, and he fucking went into a comb and died. And now this kid dies on the set of this fucking movie. It was just, you know, and it wasn't a bad movie. You know, I watch it and I get amused.

I've seen worse shit. It's not, you know, it's not. And I really like the little girl. I thought the little girl was very funny. But do you have you seen it, Felicia? I saw it a long time ago, but I was just thinking about, you know, don't you love when you get tricked into a movie and you think, oh, it's going to be the biggest piece of shit?

And it kind of is, but then you identify with it. And for me, and I'm excited to tell you that part two is coming out. Did you ever see the movie, John Wick with Keanu Reeves? I fucking love that movie. I really love that movie. Did you like that movie? I loved him in that movie. Yeah.

I'm a Keanu Reeves freak. Me too, dude. And you can go to Dukes any morning, and there he is eating breakfast. Right on sunset next to whiskey a go-go. I used to go there eat breakfast. You come in every morning and sit at the counter. You eat your breakfast, go next door, get some weed at the weed store. That weed store is still fucking there.

On sunset across in the penthouse store, where the penthouse store used to be, that dukes. Yeah. He's in there every morning, eating breakfast with a beard, long hair. You don't even know he's him unless you look at. I've always been a fan of that dude. That movie puts me over the top. Yeah. The shit he did in that movie?

Yeah. Now in the second movie, they just shot it. And Higin Machado, who was on the podcast, was in that movie. He plays the cab driver because he did all the fucking fight scenes for the movie. John Wick, the people who did that movie, have a studio in Culver City. And all they do is stuntmen who do all that shit all day. They do all the stunts for movies. They go out with the big movies.

Like, these guys don't fuck around. Did you also see that movie where he was in where he plays death or he, and Tilda Swinton is in it? And she plays like the Angel Michael or they made a show. a TV show from it. Oh, I hate that I can't think of the name. But I like that movie, too. The devil's advocate is badass,

the one with the fucking, the bank robber, with the dude who died from cancer, God rest of soul. It was tremendous. They did it just to the remake. What's the one he did about the bank robbers that would dress up like fucking the president?

Oh, Patrick Swayze. Yes. Point, right. Chimendous. I love fucking John Wick and whatever the fuck his name is. Keanu Reeves, yeah. Sam, man, I'm really happy you fucking stop. I know. Thanks for having me come by, Joey.

I always loved you. I was never really mad at you. I always loved you. I always thought we would talk. It would just take time. Yeah. We did and everything worked out. I still love it. He's still the fucking prettiest thing I have. I saw that. Well, thank you for saying that. No, I'm so glad that we made up. And by the way,

you and your friend are going to make up. Sometimes in friendship, you just take a break, you know, because things are going down for different people. Yeah, and if it doesn't, it doesn't, but it just you know, it was nice to hear that things could could change. But just go back for one second about the crow.

No, because, like, Joey had me watch it, and I was, like, when I was watching it, I was thinking... How could Joey like this? No, no, no, no. I was thinking of, like, why Joey likes it. And it was, like, what were you, like, were you thinking about your mother? Or, like, I was just trying to think of, like, his pain.

I liked it for two reasons. I liked it, one, that that time, I think that movie came out in 93. Four. 94. And I was very upset about divorce. I was very, very upset with myself. And I was very upset with myself in the sense that I didn't try to save the marriage.

That where I came from, you always try to save the marriage. You put everything on hold who I came from, the school of thought I came from early on. The drugs and life. and media and everything else corrupted it. And at that time, I was going through a thing that I was beating myself up. Because the reason why that happened was because I didn't really love it. You follow me? And I was beating myself up in the sense that, you know, how can you not love somebody?

So when I went to see that movie, it made me feel bad because here I am, 31 years old. I never loved the woman. Like, he loved that fucking woman. Like to come back out of a fucking grave to kill him. somebody. Just even if it's bullshit. Right, right. But you identify with something like that. Just that thought that you can love somebody that fucking much. Your soul cannot fucking rest.

You come out and hang those four motherfuckers. Just that thought. And then it's got my favorite thing. Revenge. Somebody who they fucking did something wrong to, he goes home, he has a rosebee sandwich. And he shows up and says, remember me? Because that's what it's all about. At one time they're having a meat. and it's creepy. He was fucking his sister,

the dude with the sword and all that dude. He's a great actor. I just saw him this morning on Miami Vice. I swear to God, that same fucking actor from the Crow with the weird face, he was fucking the Asian sister. Oh, yeah. The black dude was in the office, and they're beating up on that mobster dude

that's in all the movies at the porn shop. He's really fucking gay. Great guy. I love that guy. He plays a tough guy in all those movies. That guy, they're beating up on him, and that's what they're trying to figure out who this guy is.

go see Eric Draven's grave. And when he goes to see the grave, he sees he's missing. And they're fucking wrapped their head about that. But that's the two things. A, that somebody could love somebody that much, I couldn't wrap my head around that. And B, the revenge angle. That he plotted all of them.

He set them all up. He took his time. You're going back to Man on Fire. He took his time. He saw their weaknesses. And he nailed them. He just nailed them one of the fucking time. And they couldn't believe it.

was him. They could not believe it was him. That's what I really... And it all goes back to that Kleeneaswood movie when he disappears and he builds the shield because he knows they're going to shoot at his heart. And he comes out and the guy keeps shooting on his heart and he keeps falling

down and getting up. And finally after the third shot, he loses his fucking mind and Kleeneas would blast him. He sucked him into his world. You follow me? But he took his time slow methodically. I think you should go see Dead pool. That's kind of what the movie's about.

I think he really like it. Right. They throw him an acid and fuck him up, and he puts a superhero costume. It's not acid. He had cancer. Why don't you fucking spoil it for everybody? He's got cancer.

The fuck is wrong with you. It's the beginning of that movie. Well, I think that's why I like John Wick so much, and I know it's a stupid movie, but I really love the idea that how fucked up and he was this killer, and that he

met this woman and that his love for her was so strong. He put his whole bullshit past behind him. And then she dies and then sends him a puppy from the grave. That's what gets me. And then some asshole kills the puppy. He was more pissed about that fucking puppy, which I related to it. Yeah, that's what got me. By three quarters of the movie, he's killed 18 Russians and you're sitting there going, no, wait

the second. At the end of the day, all this is because of a fucking puppy. Yeah. I get that. Yeah. Like I fucking get that dude. Like, yeah, you got it. That's it.

They killed your fucking puppy. What are you fucking nuts? Yeah. What are you fucking nuts? The whole Russian mob has to come down. Oh, yeah, yeah. He kills fucking everybody. That fucking puppy and shit.

Everybody. Who kills a puppy? And all this would have done is a puppy with a fucking box of chocolates and I'm sorry. Everything went to the, listen, I got you a beautiful fucking dog. We're sorry, I'm not the dog. Beat the fuck out of my son. He's an asshole anyway. You're doing me.

favor but we brought give him the dog give him the caviar give him an envelope yeah we don't need this wall you're too tough for this you don't need to come out of retirement you don't need to fucking hit this floor of the sledgehammer oh I was just thinking about that when he hits the floor

with the sledgehammer it's like oh it's fucking over for these people yeah let me uh read this fucking sponsor we'll get the fuck out of here as usual on it I love you guys sent me a packets today some shroom tech some tea booster, some alpha brain, the new liquid, the new doses. And we hooked my man Lee up with some protein powder. He's going to kettlebells three days a week. He's really committed to his thing.

So he's going to do a protein shake after his workout to help him. And we're going to talk to you about the new Mike Dolce protein powder. Yeah, it looks really good. It's almond banana. It looks fucking beautiful. I haven't smoked. I didn't want to open up the bag. I don't want you to walk around.

I'm thinking like Cosby. So I didn't open up your bag. Somewhere Joey D has put a sleeping pill on my protein powder. So no, I didn't want to go in your protein. Just tell me what you think. You know what I'm saying? You may like it. I like the hemp force protein.

But anyway, let's cut the basics. Go to honor.com. If you see any supplements, you like, just read about them. I could sit here for fucking hours and bore you to death. Why fuck around? Go to honor and pressing the code word church. Boom. I get 10% off.

C-H-U-R-C-H. on it.com. Also, I want to welcome a new spot to let me ask you something, people. What the fuck do you think we live here? You think we live in Beverly Hills? Now, we live in a suburb, close to a place called North Hollywood, okay? If you drive around

North Hollywood, or you see a massage parlors, mattress stores, weed stores, and tattoo stores. And I'm talking the emphasis on mattress stores. Have you done shopping for a mattress in North Hollywood here? I just bought a mattress in North Hollywood. And what was it a pain in the ass?

It was a complete pain in the ass. What did you drop? It was about $500. That's not fucking bad. And is the mattress comfortable? Was it yours for the boys? I don't give a shit. It was for the boys.

Okay. So fuck it. But for one of the boys, it cost you a nickel or a roof for a single bed or a double. It was a full-sized bed. A full-sized bed. For the skinny one, what's he did a full-sized bed? You're going to put him in a little skinny fucking bed. He wanted a full-size bed.

Marine style. You know what I'm saying? Like a T-Pee in there and shit. I'm trying to buy my daughter a fucking teepee. You should. Kids love tents. I bought my kids with a teepee. They loved it.

I've been telling my wife, we've got to go down to the day. I sent her on a simple mission. She came back with a thousand stories about this one's too big. This one's too small. Terry, just buying a fucking tent. How difficult is it to buy a tent?

Well, how do you know? Because what these is we love being in holes. We're like Vietnamese people. We love being hidden. When you go into the baby's room at night, there's blankets and teddy bears, The teddy bear Steve Simone gave her. She puts it on top of her head, you know.

Oh, really? Yeah, she's like a deer. She covers herself up. You don't know how lucky you am. I have the sleep apnea machine. You come into my room, all you see is a hose. Come out from under the mattress. It looks like an armadillo.

You can sleep under the mattress? Under the blankets. Oh, no, that's too much. The air goes down to zero, and I put the blankets over my fucking head, and I go to nappy no no time. And all you see is the hole. You know,

long I've been doing that. When I was a kid, I used to make a little tunnel around my mouth and shit. Like that. I love all that shit. But I can't breathe when I'm under the blanket. Then you have trouble when you can't breathe. That's perfect. That's what knocks you out. Eventually you passed. It's like half-suicide. You know what I'm saying? It's like sit in the garage

without the hose. You just sit there with the fumes and you open up a window. You don't die. You just sit there and get dizzy. Are you okay? Anyway, the point. being you're unique. You don't walk like everybody else. You don't talk like everyone and you don't sleep like everyone. So why is your mattresses one size fits

all? Now you people think like we fuck around here in the church. I got a guy who calls me up and he sends me shit every week. Felicia, they got people sponsoring shit now that you can't believe. And they send it to me and I look at half this stuff and I go,

I can't talk about this shit. I can't even mention them. They're so ridiculous. You know, and I try to run them by Lee and we giggle. Sometimes I send it to my attorney. He just says no. But sometimes I go, you know what? I went to buy a fucking mattress and it was a pain he is. It really fucking is a pain he ass. Except to that one place, across from Bank of America on Lancash him, they don't fuck around. That dude, and he delivers the next day, he don't fuck around. But again, you got to go in and you don't even finagle him. You just tell him what you want to pay for and he'll point you to the mattress, give him three days, he'll pick it up.

You know what I'm talking about? Right across. He wasn't bad. If you go to that place in North Hollywood, then it's a fucking piece of shit. Then you get robbed up there. They hide behind the curtains. You don't have to go in there. Sometimes they're not there. Anyway, I'm not here to talk shit about anybody. But when I read about the Helix mattress, I fucking died.

I was like, this sounds perfect because I'm married. I know what it's like. I like my bed one way and Terry likes it together. So somewhere along the line, we came to terms. But my side's getting a little soft, so I tried to flip it. she caught me. She was doing laundry and I flipped that motherfucker, but she knew something, a pea stain, something.

She knew. But anyway, you're unique. You don't walk like everybody. You don't talk like everybody. You don't sleep like everybody. So why is your mattress one size fits all? Because a custom mattress will cost you five to ten thousand bucks until now. Introducing the Helix sleep where you can buy your mattress online,

customized for you for hundreds of dollars instead of $10,000. thousands. You go to helix sleep.com, you answer a few simple questions based on four key preferences, and the result will be a custom sleep profile used to build you with the most comfortable mattress you'll ever, ever sleep on. Your mattress will arrive at your door in about a week, and shipping is 100% free on the arm. And for couples, Helix customizes each side of the mattress. So if Paul sleep's over, they can put a better nails on that side. You understand me? And you can sleep on a fucking nice side. They can do

whatever you want. No, I'm just kidding. No, no, that's amazing. Because we're going to be moving in together, so we're going to need into mattress. That's right. So here you go. Helix customers report a 30% improvement in overall sleep quality. You have 100 nights to try it out, and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you

100% refunds, no questions as. That's why everyone from GQ to Forbes all talking about the Helix sleep. me a favor. Go to helixleafleap.com slash Joey. You get 50% off your order. $50. I'm sorry, $50 off your order. That's helixleksleep.com slash Joey. Helixleck sleep.com slash Joey and you get $50 off your order. Again, it's a fucking pain he is. This is the future, people. Nobody's going to leave their house for dick if they're any fucking got a smart, a brain to head. Hey, look at last year. Sales are

down over the holidays. Amazon's control. This is it. You're to be able to fucking buy anything online from now on. Free fucking shipping. You don't have to worry about delivery.

They're going to show from 10 to 2. Then the truck broke down in fucking Lahambra and you got to wait there all fucking day. Why is my mattress

in fucking Lahambra? I bought a North Hollywood Cocksucker. Anyway, these days are over. Do me a favor. Go to helixleep. com right now slash Joey

and get $50 off your order. That's helixleep. com slash joey. That's right right now. Helixleep.com slash Joey. $50 and you're going to sleep like a fucking angel every night. All right.

I want to thank on it. I want to thank our new sponsor Helix Sleep. I want to thank Felicia, stop them by. Do not forget you there. What nights? Break it down. I'm there tomorrow until Sunday. Yes, I come back Monday.

Old school, Tuesday through Sunday. That's a long fucking week. It was nice today talking about Trump and how the FBI could hold them. She had to drop knowledge on you, motherfucker. You guys don't know how they do it. It's not called black money. It's letting you know. I know if you did cock suck.

I ain't going to say that to nobody. But I better get my funding. I want to get my $300,000. You want your 30%. 30%. That ain't nothing. Lee, what are you, $100,000?

You got problems. You got to see it. I don't know how much a Waki Taki who is worth. That seems like a little steep, but okay. A Wokie talkie, let's say you put Paul out there. Right. She'll save you some money, but that's the pain in the ass. Now she's going to want $600,000.

How did she get six now? Because she's Paula. She's got the power that you ain't got, a muffler and a monkey, and you can rub it on your face. You understand me? So you'll take the short 40% for the walkie to-tocky.

But if you get busted, she'll roll over on you. You follow, I'm saying? Because she's not going to take the fall for you out there. She doesn't know about police scanners and shit like that like I know and I'll find out. I have every fucking police scanner

from North Hollywood to Studio City to fucking Hollywood wide. I'll be out there with the scanner working. I make believe I'm listening. to an iPod doing gumping jack but I'm paying attention. I got the walkie-talkie like fucking whatever. You're doing fine, Lee. You're doing fine, Lee. There's a lady walking

down here with a dog. You're doing fine. And you know, like I got in, anything, nothing. You've got 38 seconds. I'm downstairs counted down for you. You got 37 seconds, 36. Where is he? He's in the apartment laying down with a broad. Shoot him boat. Just shoot him boat. The money's right down

to the matches. Boom, boom, boom, boom. You shoot him, you come back out. The alarm gets triggered. You get back on to like James Bond. Right here to the roof. I unbuckle you. We light the fucking thing on fire. What thing is on fire now?

The rope. Oh, okay. God knows what they're blaming on. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I can see. I think you've earned your money. I got the car parked.

I got a stolen car already parked. Yes. We're going to go three or four blocks. We're going to go by the 7-11 with the lady got. That's that. We're going to park it right there. And we're going to walk two or three blocks. And we're going to fuck.

And that's it. We're going to split up the money. We're going to shake hands. I've never seen Lee this high before. This is what we do. This is what we do. What happens? That poor lady.

Who? What are you going to do? You got a 7-Eleven. Somebody's going to lose their mind someday. Someday some dude goes in there, one in the morning. They got no fucking Reese's pieces. Is it the one that you think is ISIS? I know they're ISIS.

That's why there was a stabbing in there. I've known there ISIS for years. I just don't tell them, but I'm not a rant. I'm not a punk bitch. You know what I'm saying? Felicia Michaels, Reno. I'll be at the Brea Improv all weekend. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Tickets are still available. I love you, motherfuckers. See you Wednesday night. Have a great day. Stay black. Hit it Lee. This show, the church of what's happening now, was brought to you by Helix Sleep.

That's Helix Sleep. H-D-L-I-X-Sleep.com slash Joey right now and get $50 off your order. That's helixleaf.com slash Joey, Helixleafsleep.com slash Joey off of their personalized mattresses that are made just for you when you answer a quick questionnaire. That's helixleep.com slash Joey to get $50 off your order. And go to on it.com slash church to get 10% off all of their grid optimization products

like Apple Brain and New Mood, TrimTech, Immune, and Trum Tech Sport. And I'll be sure to let you know how I like their new Mike Dolce weight protein powder. And that's Annet.com using code word church.