The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #370 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: April 12, 2016

Matt Fulchiron, Comedian, and Host of the "Full Charge Power Hour" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio!   Catch Joey on Comedy Central, Tuesday April 12, 2016 at 12:30am (technically Wednesday) on This Is Not Happening.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order.   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/12/2016.
  

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Kick that motherfuckerly. Get it. To Zit. Don't rum the fly kid. The ice mic is back with the high-dits. Fuckers you've lost to players are night Gaxes you ain't your faint Don't give you ever

Monday You're the push you to play The Pimp Gax and a Hustler 11 motherfucklers Yo! Another week to taxes I came on a phone Evil league Turn up the microphone

So I can ill and break On the rolling tape Another album to make That lead This is so fucking good Islam turn the bass Kick up a bit Hike the snare

Now I got a plus and sit And ride the track like a black Mac in his lack Hit the corner slow Where the girls are at And kick game the way it should be done. You really got a hand it to this guy.

I was just thinking, how cool was it? He had a rock band way before that was cool. He had a rock, body count. Body count. They were on Lollapalooza and cop killer. It was very controversial. Bill Clinton, Tippergaure, the whole fucking thing. And this guy is now on a TV show going on 10 seasons.

He always plays a cop too. Always. Because of New Jack City. He went against type and it stuck. how great is that you really gotta have it to this guy this is it's almost like if you concentrate on something you hate you might kind of become that thing he hated cops and now he's constantly in the mind of a cop portraying a cop he used to portray a gangster and now he portrays the cop it's weird it's very weird yeah gotta hand it to him man he's been right 25 fucking years he's

great on that show too it's not like it's not like sometimes when there's a celebrity on the show it's like okay they're just here to get their Twitter followers He's always been good on that show. Yeah, we were down in Topskin, we were apart. When I shot Law & Ata, he was great. Yeah. He was really good to me. What do we have here?

Joe Diaz. But the other guy was a dick, Richard Bellsett. Really? You really don't like that. Yeah, on the set. He was a dick. Bellzer played that, what's the name of that character? Scumbag.

Yeah, whatever it is, he played that character on like six different shows. He ran it down on Stern one time. Like, that character, the name and everything, everything is on like a bunch of different shows, which is weird. Like, because it was on homicide and then he was on these other lines. And they're like, you're the same character. You're the same guy, same name. We're all black.

All that shit. He's the same guy. Have you ever seen his comedy? Because I haven't. Well, he's in Scarface. Oh, okay. He's the guy that does, I've never seen his comedy really. Like he came, you know, he was part of like the, the, uh.

The 80s. I think the 70s, like the late 70s, early 80, the revolution of... Right. The boom is what they call it. Yeah, but he did something else, too. I just can't know. He did heroin.

Did he? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. For how long? I don't know, but that was his thing. He's an ex-heroine addict. What's going on, motherfucker? Chillin.

Just got back to town on Thursday. So when did you leave exactly? I left on the 4th of January. And what made you just... get up, go to New York. Well, Ari Shafir, you put a thing on Facebook. I was like, I'll switch apartments with anybody. You pay your L.A. rent.

I'll pay my New York rent. And, you know, that's what he said. And I was like, he's on Facebook. I immediately texted him. Like, I'm like, yo, all right, just give it to me. You know, I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't go. And I wanted to go, so I went. You know, it was pretty spontaneous decision.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, that's always the best one. Yeah. And was it, did you have a great thing? It was the shit, man. Three months in New York City. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got real fucking used to it. Bumping on trains.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A slice of pizza here. Slice, bruise, ladies, sets. A hot dog and sets and just no responsibility, yeah. It was the shit. I loved it. I loved it. And I did some, I did a little bit of road work and I could take the train to it.

You know, I didn't have to get on an airplane because everything. I went to Syracuse. So I went. to Albany. Both funny bonds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were fun. I liked Albany better in Syracuse, but they were still good.

Syracuse is still good. How's the Syracuse one? Syracuse one's pretty good. I like Albany better. I mean, it's still fucking great. Why did you like about Albany better? Albany, they laugh more of my shit. Okay.

Very simple. How do Albany looking these days? You know how these funny bones are. You're always in the Burbs. So it looked fine. But I was in Albany last summer. summer and it's cool, you know, lots of downtowns are coming together with, like, they always put bars and restaurants and stuff and old factories and stuff. So Albany's going through the same thing.

It's pretty cool downtown nightlife. I was there in June for one night and it was fucking awesome. They used to do comedy at the bus station in Albany. Really? Somebody used to book a room 20 years ago on a Thursday night at the train at the bus station. So what you did was you took the bus from Manhattan to Albany. Right. Or the train. What the fuck is the train? Yeah. And you took a cab to the thing.

And then you went to the hotel, spent the night. Yeah. And got back to the hotel with three blocks in the train station, maybe four blocks, a fucking real dive. That's awesome. And you got back on the train the next morning and you went, it was part of rascals. Not rascals, bananas. Okay. They have bananas up in fucking hell, don't they in Nyack, New York, something.

Well, Niagara is... I know Go bananas. I don't know what bananas. Okay. Go bananas is in Cincinnati. Yeah, yeah. I think bananas is in Fort Lee. It's in New Jersey.

Okay. Under the bridge, it's right there. That's the one bananas. And then they have another bananas. And Paikipsy. And Parkeepsie. Let me tell you some. You son of a bitch.

That's a brutal three days. Yeah, I'm sure. You're in front of a fucking gas station in a hotel. And, you know, guys like you and me, we just go up there. We figure we'd go up there, take the bus up. Right. Get in our room by four. Yeah.

The fucking hotel food was horrendous. Dude. And it was the hotel, like I said, and the gas station. All right, I was chips, dog. Yeah, I did a gig. The last gig I really, really truly hated was in Atlantic City, New Jersey. The comedy stop. Bob Kephart went there.

When I got there. What was this? This was in May last year. I go there and they hand you a piece of paper that says, thanks for your patience with late payments, as in you're not getting paid this week. What? You're getting paid whenever. Seven day week, work week.

The crowds are fucking horrific. You're staying in the Ritz, which is Nucky Thompson's old joint. It's gone to fucking shit. It's horrible. I leave this fucking club goes out of business. I never get paid. For the shittiest fucking week, I've done it a long time. I'm surprised you.

If Bob Cap Park, comedy stop. Bob Keppart. He's a crook. And you know what? He's been in business. He says, Jesus left Chicago. He said, yeah. He had a room in the States or 80s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've done that one. He had a room in Vegas. It's a laugh factory now, yeah. So is everything closed in Atlantic City? I mean, it's just kaputz. You got to be able to speak Spanish to order Italian food out there, dude. It's fucking, no, I don't think everything's closed. Everything's still going on.

A couple guys. They still got hooters. Shit's still going on. The Borgata still living large. I went to Atlantic City twice. as a consumer. Yeah. And it was okay to me.

One time me and my friend just went for crab legs. And when I were eating crab legs, I got a late gig in Connecticut. Like Roger Paul calls me like a 9 o'clock gig in Connecticut. Yeah. And then I went there one time

as a comic. And I knew that one time. And I went Pierre Cardan because it was a Joe. It was a Friday night UFC and me and Joe went with like six of us. I think Ari was there. And I left him.

I did the one nine left him. I went north. I don't want to stay. I'm in Joe. Jersey. Why am I going to stay with you fucking knuckleheads? Let me go up to my family and see the family. You know what too? Someone offered me work that week like last minute. Like that part week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Winnie Cummings like, you want to work from me in Vegas? I can't do that to them. I can't bail on them last minute. And then they didn't fucking pay me.

Do you see where your morals get you, Lee? Always look out for number one. It's crazy. You have to. And then I was talking to someone today. And she was saying that she did a job like, at the beginning of the year. And her agent, like, it's kind of crazy how, like, the checks go to the agents first instead of the people who do the jobs. Like, that much drive you nuts. It depends what kind of job it is. Okay.

If it stands up, it should not go to your agent. Nope. Unless you're a millionaire, and it's a $60,000 wire transfer to your agent. And he takes the commissioner, and he gives it to you. That's a, that's Kevin Hart type. That's crazy. I have to wait for it, though. Right.

Now, let's say you do a commercial. or TV show or movie. If you do a commercial, you got 30 days to get paid. Now, to some people, 30 days is like, okay. But when you're fucking living here and you're broke and you're doing $15 sets, you count the 30 days. You literally do. You know when the mailman's coming?

I knew when the mailman, I used to wait for the mailman. He used to take action for the mailman. I had a Filipino mailman in Hollywood. I got to meet him and know him. I knew him fucking well. Yeah. What sort of action are you taking? Basketball.

He would always... Anything. He bet every night. He bet every night. I hooked him up with a bookie. He was my friend. I would see him and he'd go, I have check for you.

And I'd wait by the house until he came. My life was that mailbox. So for people who really don't understand... Right. 30 days of a long time. Long time. Now you have film and TV. It's 10 days.

If you pay SAG, it's 10 days. But let me tell you what happens. They do send them in 10 days. your agent deposits it in their back account. And then it takes two weeks. They slow foot you. Yep. She said it was called processing.

No, let me explain something to you. You've never, ever, ever seen Joey D. is hotter than when you take my checks in those days. And I was expecting cocaine. Yeah. And that check went to my fucking wrong agent or something. I was with Daniel Hoff this last time for maybe three years. And I liked them. I got wrong with them.

But when I first got with them in 2000, There was something going on with a check one time. I had been with time and booked a couple jobs and everything was hunky-dory. But there was one particular time I bumped into somebody like, hey, man, Daniel Hoff was taking a long time with the check. And that's all I needed to hear. I did this job. And I fucking, who's Ben Affleck's wife? Jennifer Garner.

It was her show on ABC. Remember when she had that show's alias? Aalias. Yeah. That's no. No, I'm sorry. It wasn't her show. I'm sorry.

It was the other girl that had the kind of cop show and her father was whatever. I did that show. I taped it right here on Lancashire at that disgusting strip club on the other side of victory up there. I did it up there. I waited for that check. Fucking three weeks, I was furious. Called the production company. They said, listen, when did you shoot the job?

I said, on the 29th. They said, we sent it on the second. It was like the 18th of the month. I was fucking hot. I kept calling the agent. didn't get it, we didn't get it, we didn't get it, we didn't get it, we didn't get it. With that fucking mailman, come on horseback. And I was on Coke, then guys, I didn't fuck around.

Right. I finally called them when I just woke up and I said, listen, that check better appeared today, bro. It has to appear today. Yeah. And I called them back at five and they said, the check is not here. I said, I'm going to go down there right now. I broke the fucking Danny.

And when I got there, my paperwork was on the wall with my check and they had gotten rid of me as a client. Really? Yeah, because I broke. I knew them. I knew they were stealing. Yeah. Are they still in business?

I'm still in business, and I talked to him. I bumped into him at the vet. Like a gentleman, I went up to him. I apologize, and he goes, I remember that. And he told me the whole story. He got a partner. Yeah. And he goes, if you come to my office, I'll show you the settlement and the

whole thing. The guy robbed him for $2,000 and he recovered $100,000. Right. And he recovered $100, and the guy went to jail. Now, when he comes out, he goes, but I paid all those checks. He goes, I'm still in business. business. Because if I followed

Rob that I wouldn't have been in business. He got convicted at the time. And there were a few agents that were taking clients. Really?

Nick Taturo's agent took him for a Jesus. You know, but there's a lot of, there's agents now that are

the comedy agents is an agent that was running a scam here that was booking you and telling the club to send him a jack and then, listen

when it comes to film and television, I understand. What about the the casting agent who, like, last week just got fired from

their show because they were running a casting workshop and then charging people to audition for the show. Well, you got to remember one thing that this spawn, what you have here is a land of suckers. Okay? When everybody gets here, the first three weeks, you're a sucker, unless you have a friend that breaks it down for you. People will extra, thinking that they're going to get a SAG voucher. You know, that's not going to happen.

People become extras. Like, I had a guy that goes, listen, man, I'll make you an extra. And one week, you'll be in the movie talking. This is this guy's scam. I know that never happens. Right. But he's like, just let the director meet you. One week you'll be on the set doing lines with fucking Leonardo de Caprio.

Of course. When I got here, Titanic was shooting. Uh-huh. And four different extra agencies had this account. It was a huge shoot. Right. You know, that boat went down. They had thousands of people on that fucking.

Didn't you see Joey? He was in the band playing violin. So they had people down there going to, they would tell you, listen, if you want work, they'd pay $119. the day and gas alone to go to insolidors and back. Like they would give you a buck 20 just for gas to take the day trip. I mean, you could be in the Titanic. Not a bad game.

So they had a scam going. If you went down there and got chosen, they paid you the 120 for gas, and then they paid you the $300 for the day. But if you didn't get chosen, then you didn't get the gas. Something crazy. Something just fucking crazy. But a lot of people were going down there, but there was actually people that were selling extra work going,

we'll get you into Titanic next week, become an extra. Go on set, and within one week you'll be doing lines on the line of the Caprio. There was a thing called CastNet when I first got here. Yeah. When you signed with an agent, you had a sign with it. We will not book you unless you're a CastNet. You know how many castnets have been here over the years? No.

80 of them. Same name or same business? No, it's the same stupid scam. Something that you give them, then they'll make casting easier. You know, put your headshot on this site and casting people go looking. No, they don't. Yeah, job post. No, they don't.

No, they don't. Yeah. Premium for nothing. Yeah, no, they don't. No, they don't. No, they don't. All that shit was bullshit. I'm so happy.

I didn't get involved in any of that shit at all. I didn't believe an extra work. I didn't believe in none of that. Like, cast nets. You need to do this. Anything that costs money. Because what we have here is a bunch of kids that come out of college and they grow up watching Sinai Live.

And they move here. And they get daddy's credit card and they join him probably. Olympic. You follow me? They get a brand new car and the dad goes. Here's the deal. You got two years in LA to run your game. Yeah.

And if in two years you don't make it, then you come work for me at the fucking box company. Right. In my 20 years here, I've known five kids that one day called me and said, hey, man, I'm leaving. Where you go? Rico was the last one. You ever meet Rico, the Agostino's friend? Maybe. You went back to Boston, the only construction company.

Is that the construction company? Right. So the whole time he was here, I was getting ch-I. I wonder, what the fuck the kid do? How does this kid party every fucking dead? Yeah. His dad was cutting him a check.

And he was doing little gigs around town for 50 bucks. But that's 60% of Hollywood. Like when you go deep into Hollywood in the inner. Right. It's new movies. Ivana Chubbick, all those acting schools when you're around. Like, I was fucking 40. I was 35 going to acting class.

Yeah. And I would listen. I would have. scene partners and you'd have to go to their homes and I'd die what would they say to you it was just here I was struggling you know doing spots at the store yeah dying I'd go to acting class on Tuesdays and he put me with somebody you know and this these guys live like the one girl lived on Wilshire yeah cost me eight dollars just to park in her fucking parking garage and it was like she was like somebody's girlfriend like on the side

So that's what she wanted to do. She wanted to act. So he took off her tattoos. He fixed her. She was a black chick from Florida. That was gorgeous. But she was country. She was country.

She had never eaten with silverware. And he was just giving her a makeover? Like some guy met her and just bought her an apartment. I mean, you could see by, you looked at this woman. I'm sorry to say that. You could see that she was a racehorse. Like she was black. And she got the-

She was fucking beautiful. She got tattoos removed? Like she was showing. me, I removed all my tattoos. She didn't tell me who it was. I had a feeling who it was. She's a black chick. He's a white dude.

I know who it is. I have no idea. Okay. And she invited me over to our house to do the scene. We went for coffee a couple times. She was my friend. I forget what the name is now. This has to be 15 fucking years.

Don't feel bad. Bobby forgot to. And her neighbor was Shaq. Really? Like her neighbor was Shaq. He lived right down on the fucking on the other side. It was like every floor had two tenants. One of those are pointed.

And the lieutenant was Shaq. The lieutenant was Shaq. Yeah. He lived below and you can see his head above the porch. So he cleaned up her tattoos. He fixed her feet. She was beautiful. What wrong with her feet?

Like she just had, like she never had shoes. Like, you know, one of those black people. I'm not even trying to be funny here. I mean, when I tell you this, that this was, when she was telling me these stories, I was just sitting there. They shot a couple movies down there and he met him. Huh. He knew it for like a year.

He kept in touch with him. She turned like 19. He goes, come on. I got a life for you. Come on. Move to L.A. I set you up an apartment car. She had like an Audi.

It was all done. I always wonder when I see those kind of girls in like those cars. And I guess that's kind of sexist. But then again, it's like young, like 18-year-old girls driving like range rovers out here. I don't know. There was another guy. It's either a lease or De Niro. There's another kid that I meant I went to his house

And he lived In the heart of Beverly Hills Like this kid drove to whatever That's why you never know who the fuck it is at all in this time Yeah We did a couple scenes They started telling me who he was like His dad is a big composer

Or some shit And his dad is always like in Europe Like he hasn't seen his dad once a year but they automatically send him like $32,000 every month. God. Damn, that's a lot of money. Could you imagine just getting that money every month? I don't know what I would do.

I don't know. I met another kid that his father was a professional quarterback. And this kid, again, just for lack of confidentiality, guys, the father was a star in the NFL. I mean, major league star. and the kid, he probably never talked to this kid. You know what I'm saying? Like, you could tell that this kid had a hole in him.

He was trying to act. He was trying to stand up. I mean, he had him in dancing classes. He had him with a trainer. I mean, I'm not kidding. Yeah. Like, I used to meet him, and he would show up and tell me about his day. He had a nutritionist, but the kid was just damaged goods

because his dad never put the effort in all those genes. Right. Never. Like, he was a sweet kid. He meant well. you know it was always uh he would call me joey fuck that sandwich place let me take it to mr chow we'll do the scene at mr chow i call the people in the back like he could pay off anybody guys and i felt bad i would go no no no let's do the scene over there

you know yeah i don't know what and i bumped into him i bumped into him like maybe five years ago he still had him booked anything still an acting class still with a trainer he had a speech guy because he was from the south. Right. So he had a speech guy that came in two hours a day, guys, and worked with him on getting his accent taken away because he was, you know, southern, you know. So early on, I bumped into these young kids.

It was a different exposure. And then when I'd invite him to the comedy store, Matt Fulton, their heads would blow up. Why is that? Because they had never seen that type of, like I even met people from Improv Olympic I met this really cool girl and her boyfriend I met the girl first

and then she introduced me to a boyfriend and they were an Improv Olympic and they came to watch a comedy store on a Friday night like I had like a great set in front of them and they couldn't shut up about it like they had never seen anything like that they were around so many weak people right right right

in so many levels like they were yeah and comedians too like even when they're struggling they're still actually doing comedy They're doing kind of. They're doing what they do. Whereas acting, you kind of got to wait around. And I really, you know, I wanted to attack acting from two heads when I moved here. I wanted to, I always thought this.

Listen, at the time, I was a slub at the store. So I would go to the store. Yeah, I'd get spots, but my spots were at midnight. Yeah. So guys like me, you and I at the time would go attend and be talking shit. And what are you talking about? Lee shows up and tells me about the club in Memphis that everybody buys merch. Right.

You know, everybody talks to you about that. It's a one-sided conversation. So the reason why I went to acting class wasn't as much as not to act was to see the lives of actors to see if it was really what they fucking said it was. You know, but I went to the wrong place. I went to a van der Chubbock, which is already like $200 a month. Yeah. These are all fucking kids.

Is that expensive? I know it's a lot of money, but is it a lot of money for acting classes? Acting classes now in Hollywood, we've got to be $275, $300. Yeah. Yeah. Easy. I went to Leslie Conner, and I saw what you were talking about. Oh, God. This one's a playboy.

Playmate. This one's a fucking quarterback for the Buffalo Bills. And then, you know, just like you said, a bunch of pretty kids that it kind of had some money and didn't really know what to do with their lives. And actually, too, some talented people, but, you know. So what? I learned a lot in acting class that I can apply to stand up and stuff. Absolutely. I'm not saying that.

It was good. How long were you at Leslie Conn for? On and off, really only a couple months at a time. Leslie Con used to charge $100 for a private... For coaching. For private coaching for a half hour. Which is expensive, but also good if you don't know what you're going to do on an audition. And they go, just do this, this, this.

Then you know what to do. No, it's too much. Listen, what scale? 660. Okay? Listen to me, guys at home. Break it down. Break it down, Joe.

Probably 660. After taxes, you probably get overtime. Let's say you bring home 500 bucks, okay? So 660, that's low on taxes. Yeah. 660 in L.A. if you're single or whatever. Let's say 500. So right up to bat, 660, you're sending out 10% is 60.

Right. 20% is 120. And you're punching out 100 for the fucking thing. So you're punching out $220. From $500, you're getting what, 2 fucking 80? Right. To act on a major television show. You're going to clear 280.

that. And everybody out there listening, pay attention to what you're starting with, 660. Oh, I'm talking about 60 for the day. You people are looking like, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about that? I make that in a week. Right. But that's what goes into. That's what you get if you're lucky out here. If you're lucky out here. For that job. But here's the other

side of that. Like a guy like me, I'd pay the yardstick because I'd want to do the best performance I could. Of course. I'd take some of her advice. I always I was always not There's people that I know stand-up comics that they get to a certain level and first of all I'm not going for auditions

and second of all I'm not reading for them that wasn't written for me I think that just a shitty idea I liked going in and getting a fucking job I wanted to learn how to go in and get a job so when I signed up for acting class for a few months I actually hung out

with those fucking knuckleheads from those schools and I was very totally upset because it was like a little like swingers. People coming up to me, you're going, oh my God, guess what? We're doing a scene from Titanic. And you look at them, what the fuck are you talking about a scene? I want to get into the fucking movies.

Once I did two scenes, I was done. I was done. I don't know what you're talking about. Right. And I remember Tuesdays was my, I would go into acting class Tuesdays at 10. And every, you know, it started, like when I first started, I would go there every week religiously for like 90 days.

Then I started popping auditions on. Tuesdays and I started working and it was that was the first time I ever felt like I was doing something because I got to be honest to you guys out of the 15 people in the class nobody was working right and they'd suck these kids in I'd watch it I'd sit there and see these kids going no no I'm not ready to go for auditions here what are you talking about yeah go out there get in the mix the only way you're going to learn how audition is by auditioning and eating ass. Yeah.

You'll learn real quick. Listen, once you feel that pain. Yeah. Once you feel that pain, you'll learn. But these kids were petrified. They stayed out here. They bucked around.

They did a play. One of those shitty plays. Oh, yeah. And they pack up their bags and leave away. And the same thing happens for stand-up because they get in the lower circle echelon group where it's this fake camaraderie. Like, I'm going to go to your shows. And I bring my friend and we come to your show and support.

And then when I know, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to know for support. Listen, leave me the fuck alone. I do my shows, you do your fucking shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're all part of that. These people aren't really stand-ups. And they call, like, I meet stand-ups all the time.

And I've never seen them before. You too. Well, yeah, but I remember when you used to host the comedy store, and you would explain to the audience that some of these comics coming up are fucking Hollywood comics, and they think they got a cute haircut, so they'll be good as stand-up. And so I remember you explaining that to the audience.

So you were thinking about this a long time. Oh, a long time ago. Because I saw the differences. I saw the people that you could start telling the people that are going to stick around for a few weeks and you could tell the people that dove into this. And I've been wrong. Oh, don't get me.

Sure, sure, sure. I've been wrong about guys that have given me earbeatens and I look for them. You know, I'm out and all of a sudden Matt Fultron approaches me and says, my name is Matt Fultron. You know, I saw you at Rogan and I really enjoyed you. I started doing comedy and I do this and this. I start looking for Matt Fulchard, just to see if you're blowing smoke up my ass.

Sure. I'm a comic. And you also see guys that, like, don't have it. And then you turn around maybe three or four years later, and they're just killing it. Killing it. Because they, that's the thing about stand-up that you're saying, you actually have to face the reality. It's not like, oh, if I get an audition, I'll do this. Pretty much a couple times a week you're going up and facing it.

You get good really quicker. You quit because you can't deal with the pain. Unless you're one of these people that's just delusional and doesn't. really know how well they're doing. Well, there's a lot of those. There's a lot of those. I came up and done with a lot of those. I just re-hosted the open mic at the Comedy Store last Monday.

Oh, cool. And I realized that years ago, the list had 20 people, Lee, and I'm not talking, eight of them were homeless people. Yeah, I was kind of disappointed that weren't any crazy ones that night. You know, crazy people. And then the store, the scene was kind of, comedy was kind of dead back then. And so, like, there was this weird, uh, homeless person, like, delusely. I'm going to make it at the store thing and a lot of people were homeless were really homeless or definitely a lot of people were crazy I was homeless I don't want to say homeless I couch surfed that's for sure you were dig yeah you couch served you were a different kind of homeless I lived in my car

yeah but you weren't like the the crazy no I wasn't coming my hair in a fucking pigeon bottle you know but I was still homeless and that's and I knew I knew what it was like and I knew what it was like laying in that car thinking I got to put pieces together to get into an apartment and what I have to do and get a security deposit. Yeah, that happened to me after I've been out here for like 10 years and I'd even been on TV and stuff. Like, I was like, it wasn't like I wasn't working and I was completely broke, but I didn't have enough for like a security deposit and rent. And so I was just kind of bouncing around, uh, staying on people's couches and stuff. I bounced around for a year out of him, man. No shame.

Because I think the people that let me bounce around on their couches or whatever, I knew how hard I was working. Last night I went out to dinner. Lee was busy. I called him. He was doing something. So when I went, Felicia, my wife, another friend of mine. It was funny on the way home, my wife goes,

I have nothing against your friend, but there's like the third time you invited her out to dinner with us. And I was like, well, let me put you this way. She works 15 hours a week, and she makes dick. and in 1984 when I lived in Boulder you know I never forgot this this is this is comedy 101 guys

okay you can write jokes you know what makes a comic good the story I'm gonna tell you you can write jokes and you can perform every fucking night but what makes you really good on stage is part of this fucking journey and getting to appreciate the big picture

and I'm looking you in the face like man Lee Lee I had nothing I was making 10,000 a month and snorting every dime or giving it to a fucking attorney for child support or child support at the time. I was in my own personal.

How are you making $10,000 a month? At the sports betting service. Oh. At the sports betting service, I met this kid. It doesn't matter what his fucking name was. A kid from Connecticut, he was,

if I was 32, 30, he was about 32. His wife was maybe 50. The ugliest woman got out of the planet. But her parents owned. a huge line of restaurants and they up and down the East Coast and she was there and she got a paycheck every month

that would make both of us gag, three of us gag, what they sent her in the mail. And he leached on to her. But he wasn't a bad kid. This kid was not a bad kid. He just, he had a high taste of money

and this was going to keep him and he liked Porsches, those old Porsches. And she had one, and he had one, they had matching ones and they had the T-shirts and, you know,

it was just crazy. But the, The point of the story is, I got to tell you something, guys, just so the people at home know the truth. I get home at night, and I had the Rocky apartment that I lived downstairs. I had the kitchen. I never turned the stove on. Did you have cuff and link? No, I had a...

Two turtles? No, I didn't even have cuff and lift. I had a TV, a bench, a weightlifting bench with Olympic weight, and I used it as a dinner table and a writing station. And then I had a couch, and I had a bed that just fit in the room. Nothing else fit in the room. Like the bed was so big. It was so much bigger than the room. They just laid like that.

And I never cooked. I was ordered out or eat shitty food. Right. The life. And these guys would call me. I had a pager. And they would call me. And I would finagle into the people that own the houses that downstairs.

They had a phone line. I'd call him back. I go, what's up? And he go, where are you? I'm home, bro. And he go, you're hungry? He knew I was hungry. Right.

And I go, yeah. Why, what's up? And he'd go, me and her mom are going to come over and get you. You know, and I was doing stand-up then. I was really working. I was really working at that. I was getting nowhere. But I took them to a radio show with me one night.

Somebody invited me to do it. And I took them. They had a car. They drove me. I go, I need a ride at 11 o'clock, man. They go, we'll drive you. And they sat there and they were like so happy for me. So they knew how hard this meant to me.

And they'd call me, take me to the house, feed me. And then they'd both go to bed and fuck and go, Joey. We have 200 movies. here. Stay here and watch movies. We got weed. You got the balcony. I'd have to stay there until three in the morning in these people's homes. Eat their food, smoke their weed, watch their movies.

You know how many times they brought it up to my face? Never. She ended up dying. I sent flowers. And he's still around bold and he called me once a year to say something weird to me or whatever. But for six months, they fed me. Three blocks from them were the caches. My buddies and

Mississippi that I mean he used to have to pick up my daughter and bring it to my wife because the court order said like I would go to the house at night and smoke weed and they'd say do you want a chicken you know I didn't have money for food but the point of the story being that this is what happens when you try

when the universe knows you're trying it takes care of you I'm telling you right now if you really want something and you really work hard on it. There's going to be months that you're light on the fucking rent, man. True. And Matt, you're out, you're out. Car payment, bitches, you know, student loans. This shit adds up.

I understand. Never mind addiction and fucking weed and booze, you know. Oh, yeah. And clothes and transportation and car insurance. And there's some months that you get ahead. And there's some months that, man, that somebody calls you on the 30th and makes you a fucking month. Yeah.

And that's when you become religious. You go, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's got to be a god. No, it's called the universe. Yeah, you know, when I was sitting there at that Atlantic City gig, hating life, thinking, what am I going to do in June? I thought I was getting paid, too. That's when I thought I was getting paid.

Had nothing on the books for June. Got a little text message from old Daniel Tosh. I was like, you know, you want to go on tour with me next month? Fuck. Yeah. You know? that was in a month I thought I might be going out of business put me back in business

I used to always think I was going out of business too I'm three weeks away from going out of business right right and also somebody calls you with a gig in Arizona that's the best gig but you're in business not the best gig but you're in business though he's bought another week of your business but then I don't understand why people leave

like unless you're moving with family they were never in it in the first place probably but not even that but like let's say if you go out of business if you're going to move back home and live a family there has to be someone out here you could live with in theory. I don't think people are willing to get down and dirty and really fucking go through it. I don't think

most people are, especially if you don't really know what you're doing in the first place. See, Joe, you knew you wanted to do stand-up. You're already doing stand-up. No, I didn't. I didn't. Well... I'll tell you what happened with me. Yeah, okay. Let's be honest. Yeah.

This is all I had, Matt Filtre. Yeah. This is all I had at the time. It was 32. I had felonies. No matter what degree I had, could I get a fucking job? Right. You know, I was going to be one of those guys with a tattoo working at Subway.

You know, like you ever go to 11 o'clock with that 50-year-old deal? I sure have. That has like a pink Floyd shirt on. He was that cool from 1980. I call it the ghost of Christmas future. Right, right. But now life just moved a little too fucking fast. Right, right.

And here you are at Subway sandwich with some 22-year-old telling you to go fucking mop. Yeah. Because you wanted a party and go. see fucking REO Speedwagon. Yeah. State Fair. You know, and fuck that boss. I'm going to see REO.

Okay. You just lost a job making 22 an hour. But at least you got that cool tattoo. Yeah, but you went to see REO speed. You smell my feet? No. They did the Adidas. No, I smelled roses, but.

Sure. So. I didn't realize your shoes were off. That was it. I had no options. I had no options. When I turned to stand-up comedy, I said, I've done everything. I've been a cook.

I've been a bartend. I've been security. I've sold Coke, weed, shoes, neon. What didn't I sell? Insurance on the phone. What haven't I sold? If I go for this, I got to go for this. Number one, I got a five-year-old daughter

that if I go for this, I want to go for this to make her proud. That was the original plan. Like, let me go do this. And I'll come back in a couple of years, and I'll fucking put this whole thing together. It didn't work out that way. That was the sacrifice. There's always got to be a sacrificial fucking lamb.

There's a girlfriend who's left behind. Some of these feelings are hurt that you're making the move you're making. There's always somebody who's going to be a little upset with you for you making the move you're making. Or the decision you're making because we can't please everybody. We always have a friend who's a Schlep who is too scared and he's never going to get it together anyway. He's doing comedy too, but he stayed. He fucking stayed and did whatever and he had the excuses. It breaks my heart when I have a conversation with Matt Fultron at the comedy store.

and I encourage him and he encourages me and we talk and then one day a guy like that disappears and granted you may be doing comedy and whatever hell-ho you move back to

but something just wasn't right right you know what I'm saying like yeah and I've seen a lot of guys and listen what's the number one killer in a marriage? I don't know

money problem yeah that's what I was going to say after a while unless you're fucking retarded You get sick of this. You get sick of this lifestyle. Only a retard. So you're calling us retarded?

I'm calling myself a fucking idiot. I've been sick of it. Listen, man. I got into this in 91. I got into this in June of 91. Between us, at the time, I had it all. I had money in the bank. I had a truck.

I had a car. I owned the condo. Everything was beautiful. By October, I got separated. Now I had every credit card in the world. That kept me going. 91, 92, selling neon, a little bit of Coke, a little bit of weed. You know me, I'm a renter sucks, man.

You know what I'm saying? A sprinkle. Whatever you need to put together to pay the bills just to keep you alive. You know, in those days, it's very easy. Your rent is four. Your car payment's two in a quarter. Your Coke is. You throw 100 away a week on groceries.

You're throwing a douce on fuck. And I would add it just like that from the jump. Why lie to yourself? That's how I start a fucking month. Right. When I was first got at the economy, my rent was $400. My car insurance was $200. The car payment was like $1.29 or something like that.

Okay? I spent $100 a week on shit for the house. What's that? Fat tire? Yeah. That be a fat tire? Right. English muffins.

Shit like that bread with like fucking cheese. America. That's all I had at that house, okay? I spent $200 a week on fucking food easy, which is really $800. Why am I putting $200 there? A week? Let's face it. $200 a week.

week on food. Easy. We all do. No, I think you said 800 a week. No, no, no. So I would say 12, 2, 3, 4, 1,400, we need another 500 for cocaine. $2,000, I'm really making $8.50 a month with my job. We've got to come up, and I would do it.

Every month I would make the fucking difference up. And I would put it on paper. Even if I had to bring a loan mower back, my first three years of comedy would come back comedy, Jack. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Rent is due, bitch. What do we need to do here? Right.

You know, somebody who's got announced, let's front it. Let's make one move. Let's get out of this mess. Well, you actually said something the other day that, like, blew my mind when you were driving with Felicia, and you were talking about, like, everyone has four goods and bad, like, the cycles in their life. And for some stupid reason in my mind, like, I'm working to, I'm working right now. And I'm like, okay, once I get to where I want to be, it's going to be smooth ceiling for the rest of my life. And I never really understood that it was beginning. And like, so like now that you're saying, oh, well, sometimes the money problems make people go home, you're always going to have a bill.

Like that's, that's when I'm slowly coming to terms. No, no, no, no, no. We're not talking about. Well, yeah, I know. Like, we're talking about seven months in a row of minus a thousand bucks. We're talking of seven months in a row you're at the store lingering. You know what I'm saying? You know what?

Linger in your eye. There's a lingering your eye. You're looking for food, a gig. You're like, what bill am I going to pay? Do I pay this bill or do I pay this bill? What's the smartest move? And it's a mindset, and it breaks people. It almost broke me.

Oh, it's almost broke me a couple times, man. If I didn't have Terry, I would have been broken. At what point? There was a couple situations where she bailed out there, and Terry wasn't making money, guys. My wife was, she was a waitress. three nights a week, four nights a week at the store.

That's $400 a week. That's $16 a month. Rent was seven, the car payment, her school shit, you know. She was dead too. We were both dead. Dead. But, you know, both of us helped each other.

We always made the seven. It was $600 rent. I mean, a retard could, you know. So. Yeah, but a retard wouldn't get sick of it. And that's $15. That's $7.50 at the improv. $12, whatever.

25 at the Lafactor. And then Felipe and Willie Barsena. Do you think it's possible to have a day job out here as a comedian? Sure. I recommend it. I did it. I recommend it. I recommend it. It's not, there's a point where you can't have a day job no more.

But they'll let you know when that point is. It's because you're too busy. You're making too much money. So then why are they minus a thousand if they have a day job? Because everybody wants to be fucking Leonada Capia. Everybody wants to be an artist. Everybody wants to live in the Chelsea Hotel, do heroin. Oh, well, then it's their fault. Everybody wants to do blow, drink,

and live like fucking Jack's Teller, but they don't know that that cost money. Every time you don't go to work and you sit there with that beautiful girl and you eat a pussy and you tell stories and you go to Cheebo and drop that $60 lunch, that adds up. So I talked to Tommy Easter the other day, for example. And I told Tommy Easter something that I found out that a lot of people don't realize

why you've got a job as a young comic. Los Angeles. You ready? If I'm at the point on that right now, and I have nine people helping me in agencies and managers, and I don't go out for auditions, what's Tommy Easter doing?

So I told Tommy Easter to get a day job. Something to supplement. You got a supplement. You know why? Because it takes your head off this nightmare. One thing I learned from acting class, this guy, I just sat in on the class. Aaron Spisner, I think the guy's name was.

He goes, you're going to be an actor? He's like, this is a business. If you're a business, you need startup capital. Most people don't think about it like that. They're like, oh, I don't want to have a job and do acting. But it's like you need startup capital. You need headshots. You need to do all that shit.

They make you jump through. Like, remember when you had to buy actual headshots, Joey? Fuck yeah. You had to like spend money. You always have to spend money. So it's $200 for the headshot. Then you take it like an asshole to the agent. He picks 11 pictures out.

Each of those pictures is $8. Then you got to take them back to him, and then he orders three of them, and it was 300 headshots for $99. If you went to LeBre and Sunset, that was the best, behind El Pollo Loco, and he would give you $69 plus $200 business cards. Right. You know. But those run out. Those run out. So every couple months, you got to go back and pay for it.

They don't know about all those little things. And you've got to get wardrobe. You've got to fucking get gas. You got to do all that shit. You can't do it without income. And not only that, I want your head to be fresh. Yeah. Because when you're not working, guess what you're doing?

You're at home thinking about what you ain't got. You're stressing. When you're not working, you're at home thinking about what you ain't got. Exactly. I don't give a fuck who you are. When you're at home, wasting time in the daytime as a fucking Joe artist, I'm Joe artist. I'm going to take watermelon juice and throw it on the wall.

and it signifies. I get it, brother. Is this a Joe artist originally? But how are we going to fucking pay the rent? How are we going to pay the car payment? Listen, go over where the Agostino was and sell duct tape on the phone. You're still going to walk out of it at $400,500 a week part-time.

Go to, dog, go over here on Coinga. You sell fucking ads for the cops. I know people who have no teeth, who smoke crack a all night. They walk out of $800 a fucking week. I'm surprised more comics aren't Uber drivers. If you're going to fuck. More comics are Uber.

You're going to fucking sit there and just vegetate and write two fucking jokes and tell yourself how good you are that you're going to make it with this hot fucking blonde. Listen, that dream goes away fast. I'll tell you what, I had a half hour special under my belt. Fucking big tours, lots of work, tons of TV appearances. 2013, I still took a job. I took a job because I didn't want to be like, how am I going to get to the gig? I took a fucking job. And, you know, I didn't.

I wasn't happy about it, but I did it. Gotta take a job, man. I held the job till fucking 98. And I got no problems with, no qualms are telling you people that. I started in 91. I held a job pretty much until 90 and I was selling cigars. I sold other shit on Sunset. They had little offices everywhere.

And when I got here, there was a guy on Melrose, two blocks down from the improv. You pay you $10 an hour with cash. At the end of the day, cash. $50, you'd walk out of there. He walked in there at nine. For what? To call fucking and make insurance appointments. It was just a bunch of fucking desks.

And if you got two an hour, he gave you like another 50 bucks. And how many times I walked in out of that two o'clock with a hundred dollar bill in my pocket whistling? And what was I going to do from nine to two? Watch the news. Nothing. internet and it got you up early and calling people yes you got to be a mom remember i tweeted you at like seven a m one morning it was because i was at that job and you called me up and you were like dude you want

to work in irvine that's right because i was the only comic in l.a up so i got the gig that's right that's right and bomb tanya my biggest advice i don't want unless you listen you come out of you you sign with three yards yeah they're going to get you something to cover the nut right you know there's management companies that all they got to do is pick up the phone list and Lisa at, what are you going down there? We have a stand-in. It's three weeks, but it pays three Gs a week. Send them down.

Yeah. Send them down there. I want them to see what the set looks like. The kids from fucking Jersey, he never did nothing in his life. So for three weeks later, you go down and make three Gs. You eat good food, and now that Lisa gets a ball going. You get an apartment, blah, blah, blah. And even then, let me see.

I'm with three yards. I'm with Prince of Piddell Young. I'm with one of these big mouths. management companies, they get your job right through the door. That's what it is to be a manager. Like, listen, all this is great, but what do we got today? Who can we call it today for a quick gig? It's like Richard Pryor said, hey, that's really great,

but what are we going to do on Monday? Yeah. As in, how am I getting paid this week? This is it, and that's what, I always knew I couldn't go back. Like, I knew I just wouldn't go back to Boulder, like a loser like that. And I wasn't going to go back to Jersey and people going to ask me, hey, so what happened with stand up? Ah, you know, it's rough out there.

And they want to know because they want to justify the fact that they never left. And I'm going to go back there and just tell people for the rest of my life for I was in the night and I'm saying the movie. And that's it. I don't even want to be him saying. That was just one of my years. Were people ruling against you, do you think? Not and maybe not outright, but they do want to know that, oh, taking chances doesn't work.

They kind of want that confirmation. I wasn't going to go home. Just it's in my DNA. that I was just not going to go home hit. I was taking something out of here, a wing and arm, my leg, I was taking something with me.

I knew that going in because the type of personality I am and the people I had in my life. I had, when I told people I was involved in this, I didn't tell nobody for the first four years. That's a smart thing to do. I did this very secretly.

It's like when I went to Jitia, first three or four months, I didn't tell nobody. Nobody needed to know. Let me see if I like this before I go telling people, I'm going to be doing arm bars. You're smarter than me.

People would be like, My first week doing open minds people that, what do you do? I'm like, oh, I'm a comedian. I did comedy for maybe two years. I was awful. I had a couple of jokes, you know, and I went home. My friends asked me in 93, what are you doing now? I'm trying to do standup.

And they go, you know what I do standup right down the block. I'm like, where? I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to say, like, no, no, no, no. Me to stare tonight. I get there's like 20 of these fucking savages there, snort and blow. and the guy's name was Gonzo. We're still dear friends until today.

Was it because of his nose? No, he just called him Gonzo. He runs a bunch of comedy rooms in Jersey if you ever need work in Jersey. Oh, okay. I'm going to call Gonzo. Yeah, he's got him all. He's got one big show down to Jersey Shore. And I went up to him and I go, hi, my name is Joe Diaz.

I've been doing comedy two years. When I got on the show, he goes, this is a public access show. He goes, this is just for professional comedians. Man, I'm sorry, but give me your number and I'll try to get you on. About 30 minutes later, the guy comes over. He goes, hey, man, I'm putting you up for four minutes at the end because your friends threatened me. So he put me up. Nice.

And it was brutal. Was it? You want me to tell you something? I did well in front of my friends because I made fun of my friends. Right. I talked about Lebrano that he stuttered. You know, except when you give him the crack pipe, then he don't stutter. And he's like fucking Pavarotti singing opera.

Opera. So they all laughed and we got it. And then I got their support. once they saw me kill, but my friends, if they would have seen me bombed the first time, oh,

every time we'd get three drinks on us, they would have started on me. We'd have talked about that. You know, that joke wasn't that funny. Oh, yeah, they're those type of people.

So you had to do well. I kept them at bay for a few years. As you should. Because you need to get in there without your friends and loved ones putting their input in. They might even tell you not to do it at all.

So how do you do bringer shows then if you can't tell your love? Well, you don't have to do bringer shows. That's number one. I did them in New York. I did them here. And I brought some of my friends. And they go, oh, we liked it.

You were funny. But that guy at the end was really funny. That's the thing. And it would bum me out. But I go, hey, my friends are here at least. And they're here supporting me. And someday I'm going to be that last guy. You know, for some reason, I never had patience for anything.

But when it got to comedy, since I hadn't had patience with anything else, I started to get patience. and I asked a lot of questions, and I kept my mouth shut. But I knew all along that everything else is bullshit. It's about getting on stage. I'm happy you had it set. I get there an hour before to set things up. I do.

Get on stage. And then comics ask me all the time, how do I become a comedian, right all day? Get on stage every night. Easy. End of, well, hard, but that's how you do it. You're doing. Somebody twice as smart as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Are you fucking kidding me or what?

Dropping it like a motherfucker. Here, let me get some shout out to you. Kevin for coming back And setting the camera up And some albums on the wall We got Santana of Braxas And Led Zeppelin 2 And Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath

And deaf leopard high and dry Just did a fucking great job I want to thank my man Jeremy Slagoff My main comic over there In fucking Vegas Taring it up Freddy Correa

Talking Lear Who I got a call I go to bed early every night So I don't call him no more I used to call him after midnight Talk shit with him for like an hour Edward Spartan Pat Shea, another motherfucker

making it happen with a real estate suit fucking podcast. Peter Mandabar. I love you, cocksucker. Aaron Heath, Mark Thomas, Akul, Tessa Padino. No, Tessa Piano.

I love you, Cogsucker. And Chris Davila over there in Austin. Keeping it down for us, Lisa. You bad motherfucker. There you go. You had me all depression. You're not barking tonight. I thought the girl

broke your heart. No, I was barking from the street. Fuck it, Jack. Fuck it. So you're back now for how long? Yeah. Indefinitely. Okay.

You know, this is my home. I won't even doing stand-up before now. Since 1998. So 18 years this year. And how's it feel? It feels good. When I'm on stage, you know, I feel like I got some chops. You know?

I feel like I do something special. I'm going. through peaks and valleys right now. I'm way in a fucking deep, deep hole with comedy. I did the thing. It's funny because when I was up there on stage with Joe Friday night, the material sucked, but my experience got me through. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I could feel the experience getting me through, you know what I'm saying? Like, it was just weird. Can I ask you a question that, could you hear it? It was echoed at you as a performer? Because I've never been backstage at a theater like that, And it was, it was like, I don't think I could have focused and been able to, like, it was really coming back. Were you in the audience, though? No, I was backstage.

It's completely different. Yeah. Theater's work completely different. You know, I'm thinking of shooting the special, and South Point was too big. Mm-hmm. You know, and I had some ideas of where I was in a shoot, and we had to change everything. I was talking to Harry. And Ari was like, what do you really want to do?

You know, where are you your best? and I narrow it down to the best three comedy clubs that when I get on stage, five shows, it goes down. Like they get me from beginning to end. There's never like a ooh or an ah or there's nobody politically correct. And I really want to do it in the comedy club. I don't want to do it in the theater.

I'm not effective in the theater. Not at all. It's a different thing. It's like when I go for Latin auditions. When I got a call and it's for Hector and I can tell the agent, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The more I read and I go, this is a waste of a drive. I'll tell you why, because I have zero confidence in Hector as me playing actor.

I might make it a producer's because of my chops. Right. But once they look at me, they're looking for a certain type. And even though I may be Cuban, and my last name is Diaz, I don't look like what America perceives me as fucking Hector. Do you follow me? all the way at the end. So I know this going in.

It breaks my heart when I have to call an agent back and go, hey, man, I'm not going in for that. So I tell them right from the beginning, don't send me in for Latin auditions. Because I'll tell you I'm going to go. But that night after I smoke a joint, I'm going to say to go fuck yourself. I'm going to look at where it is and realize traffic

and think about it, and you're a dead man. You talk to your agent like that? You say, after I smoke a joint, I'm going to tell you to go fuck yourself. I ask him, I ask them a different way. Yeah. My commercial, like, I'm debating whether they sign up with a commercial agent right now. Right.

But if anybody knows commercial auditions, they're a fucking pain of it. Uh-oh. Who's there? Oh, shit. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. If you know anything about commercial auditions, they're really a fucking painy ass. Sure they are. It's a big, you got to go and sign in, and they're running late.

And it's always on the fucking ocean parkway. There's 80 hectares there. Yeah, and you got to go down there and then So I was thinking about the other day I'm like, ah, but it also gets you out of the house It's part of what we do, it's a number Sure You know, that's the other side of it's going to meet

You never know like you did something Sometimes you go to those stupid commercial auditions You bump into people I like going over the one over the bread That's the best commercial spot Because I go downstairs to pecko I pick up a little something for the cats While I'm waiting

It's not a waste of a fucking day Well you're always going to see some ass there And a comic you know. Oh, no, there's always, and it's funny because when that kid won the Oscars for Modern Family, the chubby gay guy, at the end of his speech, he said, I just want you to know, this is going from my agents.

I went to every audition I was sent on, even Ocean Avenue on a Friday afternoon. Right. That's how common it is where people are going, we're not going down there. And Ocean Avenue is very easy. It's 4 or 5 to the 10 in the way back. It's a fucking nightmare,

because you've got to come up with that bridge. There's an earthquake. You start thinking about San Francisco against the Oakland, fucking whatever. It's a couple hours getting home. It's a couple hours to get home, especially on a Friday. I used to work all the only work in L.A. for TV is in Santa Monica, like 90% of it.

So you just get stuck. I would just stay and watch movies. Yeah, that's the move. That's the move. And that's why even like Damon was always smart. When Damon was always unemployed, he always stayed busy. That's how all these podcasts started, man. I used to go, why does Damon do this shit?

I'm collecting unemployment. I'm in home smoking dope all fucking day. But if you don't do something, you won't generate work. That's the thing. Sometimes if you don't have any work, you don't even have a spot. You just go out to the improv or the store. Next thing you know you're working that week. And right away, we're back to nothing happens on the couch.

Nothing happens on the couch. You might be on the car. Yeah, I'm on the computer sending out resumes. No, no, no, no, no. You fucking what's his name called and tells you's on the set? Go down and eat lunch for free. Yeah. You're going to bump into somebody, you know, and they're going to go, hey, man, I didn't know you weren't working.

I'm shooting a movie next week, and there you are going, Jesus Christ, I was going to sit home and tape a Florida Apache the Bronx and watch that for lunch with a tuna fish sandwich. I'm, though nothing happens on that fucking couch, but the universe will give you back. Sometimes the universe, the other day we were talking about giving you the universe a Vig. Sometimes the universe gives you that Vig back. It's like putting money in the bank sometimes. sometimes out of somewhere the fucking it just repays you some of you you bump in and go

hey man didn't you shoot that video with me about a year ago yeah we sold it give me five minutes I'll give you a check and you're like holy shit yeah just because you went out that night or did something I went out one night years ago broke

97 broke broke broke I send out one of those backstage things. Right. Backstage comes out here on Wednesdays.

Most people buy it on Thursdays. I was always ahead of you. I came Thursday at 5. Wednesday at 5. I was there about Wednesday, about 6.30, 7-Eleven Kurson. I would run home. Dude, that's where I used to live. Curson, the best place in time.

That's a hot little block. Doug Stanhope's blocked right there. Down the middle of the block there. And you run back home and I'd fill out those things. Or I'd bring it back, go out, get Coke, do a spot, get Coke and come back and stay up until four. And I do like eight submission. You know what?

If you send them out Thursday, they get them Friday. Right. And they call you for an audition on Saturday. They don't have big budgets on those. I'll never forget till I went for one of those. And on the way out there goes, come here for a second. Give me a name, write it down here. You're not right for this.

And he goes, this is going to suck. I never forget this. Saturday at Gardner stages downstairs, where at the end of the audition, they sat us down and said, by the way, we're giving you each of paperwork. The only way you get booked in this movie is if you get investments. That was 97-Lade, 98.

That's how crazy this town was then. How much of an investment did they want? 5,000 to start. It started at 5,000 to get a role. And after 5,000, the bigger the more of your donation, the bigger the row got. So people were actually trying to get investors that were the actors in this movie. I don't forget that. I'm going, what?

Are you fucking crazy? So How do these people Who run these scams Sleep at night On the way out the dude The assistant to the dude Pulled me a son

He goes listen I'm shooting something next week You're fucking perfect for it Right down your number And I thought it was bullshit sure enough 11 o'clock Saturday night He calls me up He goes listen man

Can I meet you tomorrow By the coffee bean on sunset I go sure I thought he was like a creepy gay guy And suck my dick or something I got there guys That's an investment I got that guys

And he goes listen You have to sign on him I think that's legal confidentiality agreement Okay I signed the thing He goes you're going to be working with two actors Well-known actors You can't repeat this You're going to shoot a scene from a movie

So we get foreign investment You're going to pay the clap You're going to pay a New York City cap driver I'm like okay When do I do it? He goes right now We're going to go get your wardrobe follow me in your car

when I get your wardrobe and it shoots tonight at one in the morning downtown like it was harsh fucking hush no permits you're saying no everything was on the level cops but they didn't want nobody to know what these people were shooting this so it was like maybe six people on the shoot and they gave me uh it was two nights

they gave me 500 bucks a night or something I had one line and when I got there it was Michelle Pfeiffer and the dude who was a james with Bond for a while good looking dude that had the show Timothy Hutton no can you say this Pierce Bronson Pierce Bronson it was 1990 it was gonna happen it was gonna happen okay and it was a movie about she's an actress a well-known actress and he's a theater reviewer and he gives her a bad review and that was it was like a love story based on that thing right and I picked them up at the

theater and dropped him off when he gets in the cab they get to an argument that was it i shot the first night the second night they wired the cab we did the inside i got home like a six in the morning they fucking paid me cash no excuses no mailing address they just started peeling off hundreds and i went home and i never heard another fucking thing i never saw the movie developed so obviously it didn't get made so that's why i could talk about it but if i wouldn't have gone to that Saturday morning audition at 9 o'clock. I would have never got that. Yeah.

Do you follow me? I was, when we were talking about couch. What did you bring, Damon? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Damon showed up with donuts. Lee, you did kettlebells today. You could fucking kill it.

You can have about eight of those. I'm trying to be good. Well, you're trying to be good. I'll have one. Trying ain't going to work for you tonight. You know what I'm saying? Do you guys hear about the crazy thing people are doing to fast food restaurants.

What? What? It happened all over. It happened last, like a couple nights ago. In, like, Minnesota, they're calling and pretending to be the fire department saying, there's a gas leak, and we need you to break your windows

or else your building is going to explode. There's video of this, all the employees, smashing the windows, and the, and the fucking manager rammed his car into the building. And it's fucking baked. They didn't really go to, like, six different fast food restaurants. costing like 10,000 of dollars worth of damage.

It's fucking crazy. It's just for sport? Yeah. Hilarious. People are Korean Indians. So people were saying like, hurry up. We just got a call from the fire department and break all the fucking windows.

Yeah. I hope this is a fake story. I think it's real. It's the Guardian. It's a real story. Damon. Okay. Thank God.

I don't want to get those tweets. How did they do it? Let me check. They did in a bunch of places. They did it. in Tucson. They did it in Phoenix. And they did in like Marino Bay, California.

And I think it was Minnesota. It was this one. So they've done it. Like, people are just somehow convincing them that they need to break all the windows. Fucking hilarious. Matt Fultron.

Why are depression until I talked to me? Oh, I know. I'm tired of shit. I told you I've been doing my, all I've done since I got back is work on my taxes, which fucking ultimately I'm wondering, what's the bill going to be?

I don't want to pay it. Whatever it is, I don't want to pay it. And so I'm worn out from the calculator and the receipts and this and that. I've also been getting up early. That's not my style. I'm fucking worn out, Joey.

That's all I can tell you. You know what, brother? It gets easier. You're paying your dues, and that's all that fucking... No, I mean, I mean, the reason why I'm not looking forward to this is because I had a good year last year, which means this is the time of you hate when you had a good year.

You're wishing you had a bad year all of a sudden. Like, God damn it, really? Yeah. And you get the bill. You can't believe how much they want. Even after deductions and the guy always saves you 20 bucks, you know, I can't just save me some more shit? Yeah, I know. You know what?

Take that fucking sheet out of there. Throw me that pen dameen over there. I remember 91. I was working right before I got fucking divorced. I was working for my in-laws. I had like the year before I made good money, like legally guys. I curbed some fucking cars. I worked as an estimator.

They paid me good money. And what I paid fucking just like that, that pushed me over the top. Like the first time, like I was like, I can't believe. They didn't take taxes out right away? Or you calculated that? No. They were paying me like.

900 a week than they 1099 me at the end of the year. You got the bill for half for half of what they gave you. And there's still potholes. And the first year I paid it. But after I got divorced that year,

I ripped that motherfucker up. I'm like, I'm my son in this. Yeah. And I got a return from them that year. And then the following year, I'm like, you know what? I ain't sending nothing in no more. And I didn't send taxes in from 91 to

2003. Did they recall you? Yeah, yeah, they called me. I was a fucking ghost dog. Listen, there's a way to live and there's a way not to live. I can teach you how to be a fucking ghost. Did you not hear me say I didn't get mail at my house? Where do you get it? I would get it over at Gavin's house in those days.

So I lived on Shreda. I lived on the other side of Hollywood, but I got mail on Shreder. So did Gavin get calls for you? No, and I put like a fake number. If you call my number in those days, unless you were an employer, it was very rough to have my number because they all went through a pager. It all went through a pageer, my friend. I screen everybody like a motherfucker. I heard a club owner recently told me, and I'm not going to mention any names.

This is a comic on stage. He's headlining. He's in the first two or three minutes of his set. somebody walks up to him and hands him a piece of paper and says you just been served for child support my man got fucking busted and served on stage

and he still had to do like 42 minutes let me tell you something you guys have no idea what it's like to owe every credit card I don't and in those days I used to be an open mic MC at the broker on Tuesday nights and I dated the owner's daughter.

Now, when I started caving in, owning money, there was no worse feeling I had. When I started caving in, the first day I couldn't make that first credit claimant, it destroyed me. It destroyed me. And then it went into five days, because usually give you five days.

There was no five days. I went to 10 days, and I knew I was done. I just went through all of them. I had 19 different people calling me, but I don't know if I had a specific night when I got there. and the girls that was dating came up to me

and gave me a sheet of paper and she goes this guy keeps calling here from American Express you know says you owe money or something I was never so fucking embarrassed right

like this guy got my fucking number at dude same thing happened to me about three years ago and they started calling my family because full Sharon ain't exactly a common name

so my folks my brother they're pretty easy to find that's fucking embarrassing too a couple years ago I'm shooting I go down to Hollywood some fucking jerk off

tells me to go to this dentist I go to this dentist he does me a solid and I go back again he breaks me on the root canal no no he breaks me and he goes listen you need a root canal

I don't do root canals I go what the fuck are you talking about he goes you gotta go down the block there's a guy waiting for you down the block right now I already called him. He'll do the root canal. I said, okay. Now I got SAG insurance. I go down there, the root canal, whole fucking thing, pay them, whatever the fuck you pay

up front, whatever the fuck you pay. Co-pay. That's it. You go home and they bill you. I never got a bill from these idiots. Never got a bill from this motherfucker. My wife called, they said they sent it or whatever. We never got it. Do you know, I'm fucking shooting a commercial, a sprint commercial. And my phone's buzzed and I pick it up with its collection agency. They mailed a fucking check to the wrong place. And they just took me right to fucking collections without calling them once or anything.

And here I am on a fucking set of a sprint commercial, getting embarrassed on my own. And this motherfucker kept calling me. You know what he called me? You know what he did? He got my agent's number and he called me. They have a way now to get Lee's number and call me from Lee's number. A burner. So you'll pick it up.

You'll pick it up. And they'll go, Joe Diaz, it's Damon. You owe American Express $8,000. And you're like, I took this for the lead. That's how fucking cricky they are. The best part is about calling you, though, is even if it's your friend, you're going to go,

what's up, cuck, sucker? So at least you're starting the conversation off, right? No, no, no, no, no. I get them because they always call looking for Jose Diaz. So they expect some guy saying, Oh, you go, hello? And I'm like, hello? And I'm like, hello?

And they're like, there's just Jose Diaz. And I go, no, it's not. Well, he gave this number. This ain't Jose Diaz, dog. Let me ask you something. Do I sound like fucking Jose Diaz to you? Don't call this fucking numbed no more. And they disappear.

It's beautiful. It's like fucking poetry in motion. I need to change my name. Yeah, Jose Diaz with the accent. So if they call you, looking for fucking Maria Consuelos, you know, they're all expecting to hear, hello, who can I laura? No say, no-sta.

What's da di Cien de sien de wade? Nothing. They just fucking. And you just talk to them like this. What's going on, guy? There's no Jose here. Do I fucking, you hear guitar music in my fucking house? No.

What name do you use? When they do call me in that, they don't ask. But, you know, like, I'm not Jose. I'm Mike George. I don't say nothing you're not supposed to say. Why contradict you? I didn't say nothing. Yeah, the less you say, the less you pay.

Are you Jose? It doesn't really matter. I'm not Jose. What is your name? It doesn't really matter, does it? Don't call this number, no, bro. Brom do me a favor. Didn't mean that favor?

Do me a fucking favor. What's wrong with you? Do us both. And don't stop because they're like, they'll tell the boss, this isn't him. I just called it's a fucking white dude that sounds like I was a soprano. Yeah, Jose Diaz.

He's a Spanish dude. No. So I throw him the fuck off. Who do you think you're dealing with guys? Come on. Come on. I've done it to cops. Who's better than you, Joe?

I've done it to cops. Like Jose Diaz. No, no. What's your name? Mike Ferguson. Where's your idea? My friend's gone. What friend? Matt Fultram? Where is he?

I don't fucking know. He's on Curzon. He's at 7-Eleven on Curzon. I went to either his house last night. He took the fucking car. And what do you think I'm doing here? Stuck? Why do you think I'm fucking here? Because I want to be here officer? And you start talking. Just sell it.

But you got to sell it. If you don't sell it, you're not going to get nowhere. Listen, they caught me in a hotel room stealing the San Francisco, and I talked to two cops out of it. Chasing the fucking maid. I went into her room with her keys. They went to go in their room. I locked the top fucking lap on them.

They went and got the cops. I was in the third floor. I couldn't jump off the fucking building. I talked the fucking cops. I was running down the hallway, and I took towels and the maid chase me. I didn't want to the fucking prosecute. I've been in the building for a month.

You have no fucking idea, but you got to sell it. You got to keep fucking selling it. What are going to take me down for fingerprints? Now they got me. But even there, I'm not giving you dick. You understand me? Even there, I won't break. You ever see Rambo in the second one? When the Russian had the big knife and he said,

I'll put the fucking thing in your eyeball. He didn't break. The Japanese chick shot him to the building and saved him, but you don't have a break. You just keep riding that motherfucker. That's why you were good at auditioning right away, right away. Even when they show you the paperwork. Even when they show you the paperwork,

I'm still fighting it. I don't know who that is. Would you say the cops again to get out of it? Which one? In San Francisco. I told him that the maid that had taken towels from the truck and the maid chased me as she was really mean. and I ran into the fucking room to hide

and I thought she was going to go away and that's when I was going to sneak out but in fact they came back with the cops The cops listened to my story The NCIC I told him how I lived in the building The landlord came up and said he ain't no problem He's been here for like three months

This has never happened before Right Then he let me go And the landlord came over to me He goes this wouldn't be who's robin What's his name? There was a bookie in the building I'd clean him out every Monday So he had those football tickets

Like an old guy He didn't have four or five hundred bucks That was a chump You know So that's when he put it together And I left No I didn't leave I stayed there

And the next night He knocked on the door He goes hey I just got the call From San Francisco police I want to know if you're still here The people were Germans And they went to the embassy And told their story and complained

So they called the police department So they're not going to come To arrest you for burglary but there was nothing missing from their room. So that's why they couldn't arrest me at first. So now the Germans got so mad I was in their room that they were going to come to arrest me. So by the time the cops got there to arrest me,

I was on the bus to fucking Reno Jack. Right around the corner. Jose Diaz. Jose Diaz fucking en route to Reno like a fucking doctor. It's crazy. But you have to sell it. Now you're dead. Now they take it to the...

See, in the old days, you went down and got fingerprinted. Unless you stab somebody in the eye, it wasn't a priority. It went into a stack. Why is it different nowadays? Because it's all computers? Because everything's on computers. Right. As soon as you put your fingerprint on it.

In the old days, they took ink, and you put your finger on it, and then you put it on a piece of paper. Right. And you did this, you put on a piece of paper. In today's world, once you put your fucking four fingers on that pad, everybody gets alerted. It's the fastest, greatest, greatest. Right, right, right.

You have no fucking idea how those fingerprints go through the system. Instantly. And they start picking up a little thing. Now it's a complete different world. Now they have a problem with identity. They just say, listen, you're going to the station. Listen, don't worry about Matt Fulton's car on his license. We're not going for it no more.

Come on. Yeah. They take it to the station. They put your fingers on there and ask you if you say who you want. Are you the full charge? Are you the full charge? I don't know. Nothing about that full charge.

You start barking and shit. I mean, no, no. And all of a sudden, the sheet comes right in front of you. Right. And the kid who robbed my identity, who fucking, he used the bank card. He got arrested one time, and he used my name. And the cops knew. He's Italian.

And they're like, so your name is Jose Diaz. He's like, yeah. He kept saying that they came back. He said they came back with a scroll. And they're like, if you're Jose Diaz, let me tell you a little bit about yourself. They just started dropping charges on them where I had warrants. Put on a pot of coffee. And after about 20 minutes, he saw I yelling.

No, I'm not Jose Diaz. Now, it's amazing what's on the computer now. But I know for a fact, a lot of the things I did early on disappeared. There's so many things that disappeared in the beginning. They never made it to the computer? Never made it to the computer. Thank God. Well, does it still affect you at all?

The thing that destroys me was the car. What car? I left the car one time. I walked away from the car, Damon. You know me, I don't fuck around, Damon. I went to start it. I smelled some smoke. I heard, z-z-d-z.

I fucking turned the car off, dog. And walked away. And walked away. Went to the train, took the train. I said, fuck it, I'll come back here in three days. Wrong answer. But the time I got there was a skeleton. It was a fucking skeleton.

Yeah. I didn't call the bank. I didn't call the cops. I was 19 when I gave a fuck. Never. Never did I hear word one. Not word one about that car. No credit report.

No nothing. Did you have payments on it or was it yours? I had payments. And you just didn't call anybody? Nothing. I just went to Colorado. Right. I just picked up a month later and moved to Colorado.

I got time for this shit. Call the cops and doing paperwork. And those days I didn't believe in none of that shit. Next time you're on set, you're going to get a call from New Jersey. I got another call. be doing a Chrysler commercial. Is this his ideas? I got another call one time.

All right. Nice car. I'm not even going to get into specifics. I was a little crazy. I just got divorced. I said, I'm going to get a fucking badass car in Boulder. I got a badass fucking car with a tremendous sound system and a CD player. And I went and bought a bunch of CDs and shit.

And I ran this car. car like a savage. I did 90 everywhere. In the snow and finally I bashed up the fucking ring and I was going to rob a dealership and take one of their cars and switch the rims because the rims are $2,000 a piece. That's stock.

And I ruined two of them. So I was down four Gs. I hadn't made a payment on this car in six months. I had to put the car in the garage under a fucking tarp. Up under a tarp. You have no idea. Everybody was looking for this car. and one night I'm sitting there scratch. I'm like a fucking junkie. And I'm like, I got to get a package.

Because for me to get my dicks up from this girl, I got to show up with a package. Right. That's just live. Even if it's a little package. And I said, well, and I went in my drawer, and there was checks from Discover. Oh, yeah.

They send you when you get the card. And you can just write checks with them, like their money. And let me tell you some. I had them paid that Discover card in like 120 days. And I took that check, and I wrote it out for a doubt. thousand bucks. Yeah. And I took my fucking chances.

But little that I know, I forgot it was the same check. It was the same bank where I took the car loan from. Okay. So, this is how retarded I am, people. It's just to let you know, you know. You're not dealing with no fucking genius here. And I, it's 12 o'clock at night. The bank is open until, I'm lying to you guys,

the bank is open until 12 on Saturday nights. I'm going to fuck with it. their world. I'm going to show up with this check at 10 to 12. I show up with the check. I write my account number. I put the check in. All of a sudden they go, Mr. Diaz, how do you want this? I go, I don't know. Because I told I'm going to put 500 in the account. Just give me 500 cash. All I needed was $100 bill to get my party started. This bitch looked back to me. So how much do you want put in the account. And I go, how much do I need to put in the account?

She goes, just a hundred. We'll give you $900 cash. Give me the fucking $900. I tore out of there. I went and got an eight ball. I went right to the broker. I got fucking lit that Monday at 901, my fucking phone rang. And it was the bank going, hey, dog, listen, we got a fucking problem.

We could call the cops on this. But wouldn't that? We're going to keep this in-house. We need you here in one hour, 900 cash. So just bring a bunch of Coke? There wasn't a dime left. There was nothing. I had so many things going on in those days, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like Robin Peter the PayPal. Did you get laid? Yeah, and I walked into the bank. The only thing goes, no, what we're going to do is just tack it onto your bank loan. What? We'll tack it on to the car loan. Is it this bank stayed up until midnight on Sunday?

On Saturdays, Fridays and Saturdays. So they're up to some shady shit too. It gets better about this bank, but hold on. That car, I had to drive that car to do comedy, and that's it. Besides that, it wasn't, like I'm telling you, it was in a fucking garage, closed, blocked with two cars, the people who lived in the apartment with me. That car finally got fucked up. I was going to put the rims on, and when I left, I just told them, I'll pull it outside. They'll be here.

I mean, we didn't, it wasn't outside three seconds. Yeah. And fucking everybody was there looking for that car. It was amazing. They had binoculars. It was fucking crazy. And I was so happy. The moral of the story is, do you know I've never heard about that car again?

Really? Never came back up. You think that's because of the bank was so fucking cool? Well, that same bank about a year later. Ready for this one? Yeah. Their drive-thru was very popular. Okay.

They had a lot of drive-thrus. So some fucking genius Because only a genius Does this type of shit Stupid people carry guns And stupid people Rob people for the wrong reasons This guy robbed it

But he planned it out He went to They had like six lanes And he went to three of the lanes And he put a cone in front of them With the women In the window Don't you think that after an hour or two

You wonder why isn't somebody going down my lane. Yeah. And then they put a sign that said the window is broken. Please put deposits in the box. And they clean the money. The bank didn't know

for six hours. And only Gentiles. There's only trusting white people. Just hand the money over outside. In a box. No deposit slip. Come on. How many times do you go to bank? You at least got a deposit slip. Yeah. No deposit. He even wrote something on that. What email? You

the deposit slip by the time you get back to your house, something fucking ridiculous. Right. They had that place surrounded with fucking duct tape, they fingerprinted with everything, nothing. It was like an unsolved mystery emboldened. They estimated the guy

walked out of it with nine grand. Listen to peanuts. It's nine more grand than yesterday. You know what I'm saying? No fucking weapon involved, no nothing. All you do is come on. That's genius. That's great. That's genius. Yeah. It's brilliant. He could have done

for longer. He could have been more money. I wonder if he stayed and watched. I just imagine how would you translate that today, like an ATM machine. Like go right over here to Lancash him and put two signs and say, put this in this metal box

and screw it into the wall so they can see it, screw it into the wall. How many people would leave their money in that box? I don't think as much. And run it all day, Monday. Like on a Monday. No, Friday. When people have the lines that I guarantee people get off the lines and go,

why are we waiting on here? It says to drop the money in here. Do you think they do it out here? I was going to say maybe they do it. I guarantee. Anyway, with this Gentiles, they're looking around, thinking that everything is beautiful. You know those people are walking around? Oh my God, life is great. The whole fucking deal. Yeah, those are people that don't actually need the money

on the check. Well, they do. But they're not paying attention to what's in front of them. They never really, you know, every year, how many old people get robbed on the phone by people calling them up and making them investments on a lot it's the oldest fucking scam in the book yeah you know how many people we all get an email once a week from Africa oh yeah our friend of ours they got stuck at the airport they need

money quick lost their wallet give him your number and he'll gladly pay you when he returns to the states you know you know these people got fucking set of balls but yeah he emails 150 people somebody it's mass marketing it's mass marketing yeah it's like those guys on Twitter hi My buddy got hit for, and I want to call, GoFund me. Okay. You know, Joey, when they don't even mention my name, I know they're lying. Right. Okay.

What you do is go to their page. And if the last three days, all they've been sending it out and retweet and Matt Fultron, at least I at Retweet, Damon's Wicker, retweet, that's a scam. You know, I got contacted on Twitter. And that was it. That was it. That was the last time I gave it to a GoFundMe. unless I personally, personally, personally know the people.

Because I got in trouble because I gave money. Yeah. And I think they made it. What they do is they set it up for fucking one day. Listen, man, they pulled down three bills. There's three bills. But there's something weird. Like they pick up the money.

They're not supposed to. I don't know how the fuck it works. But still, who gives a fuck? You give money. They do with 10 different accounts. They set up 10 different accounts, and they get 10 pictures of people getting hit by different cards. and they put them out there

and they put a picture with a cane, whatever the fuck you got, and suckers like me and you, send the guy 50 bucks. Well, speaking of taxes, there's like the IRS scam that gets called, like you get a call,

you're going to get audited, you're going to go to jail. You have to wire us this amount of money. Like I saw that post on Facebook about it, people are getting these calls all the time. Anytime somebody wants money and you click on something, I say,

fuck that, I go right to the website, the website that I know. somebody tried to hit me up with PayPal the other day and they were like we need you to log in because there's some some irregular activity on your PayPal account. I don't know nothing. And I didn't fucking log in on that. I went to the real PayPal site.

Everything was fucking legit. I don't know nothing. I told you the other night. I don't click on nothing. I'm going to be as honest as I can on the podcast right now. I don't click. Okay. Let's a new shirt.

Let me tell you. Click free Tuesdays. Let me tell you how this. And I love you all. But let me tell you how this starts people. I click on to Yahoo. I put my code in. I click on to Yahoo.

From Yahoo, I look at the first five sentences. Anything, you know, anything. If it's nothing that got to do with me, I click right on top, you know. If it's a hotmail, I go to Facebook. And from Facebook, I go to Twitter. Then I go to Gmail.

If Gmail ain't got nothing for me, I click that and I put YouTube in. And that's it. So, if you send me a link to look at you get playing the drums, it's not going to get hit. I'm just letting your people know right now. Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, the message gets erased. Unless I personally know you, I don't touch nothing.

Don't touch nothing. I don't give nobody codes. I don't give a fuck. Shut it down, bitch. Let's see. It's all the scam. You wake up. Once a week there's a fucking scam from Facebook or something.

Nothing. I don't click on. I just erase them and take my chances. Do you add anybody on Facebook? Because I do, and it always bites me in the ass. Like, if someone wants to be my friend, I'll say, yeah. And then the next thing you know, there's, like, advertisement for Nikes. I mean, I got a screening process, but still.

Anybody that's really hot is really actually a dude. Listen, I know most of the people. I don't think I can take no more people on Facebook. Facebook. Like if Facebook locked me down and some shit, so I just have to be friends or people or something. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know nothing. I just keep a light on that

shit. I don't know nothing. Yeah. I tell Lee every day. I'm going to tell you who harasses me that I can press charges on Lincoln. Lincoln. Lankenden harasses me every fucking day. If I was a half a Jew, I'd get Lincoln and take them to court. And now they push the

soap beef. What do they call themselves? The social network. It's a bunch of bummed that aren't working that want to come invade your fucking privacy like Rattan 85. I don't want these fucking kisses of death around. We were just talking about kisses of death. I don't want these people around. So stop hitting me up on Lincoln.

I'm not even opening up that account. I don't fuck with Lincoln. I don't have a professional. You're a fucking moron. You ain't no fucking professional. I don't fuck with Lincoln. Instagram. That's my dog. That's my dog. Mikey.

Podcast 101. I can't take pictures. I'm not going to take pictures all day and send them to people. That's not going to fucking happen. Right. I'm not going to sit there and take pictures. I can't. I'm too old.

You tweet every day, though, don't you? I tweet in the morning. Okay. I tweet in the morning. If you tweet that you're going to be in Wisconsin, I retweet it for you because you're family. Right. But I don't do it for everybody else.

There's certain people I retweet the shit for. Because if not, people take advantage of you. Next thing you know, you're retweetin your whole fucking life. I don't want to retweet all day. You got to have a positive thought on there yourself. Yeah. Or something fucked up Lee. I mean, don't achieve leave.

Only when I had a blueberry. one of it was delicious. Did you really? You can't wait to get that box home tonight. You're gonna tear those mom. No.

What'd you do with those two donuts? I gave him to the mom. Did you love them? I'm from the Tupperware. And they were great. You're a good, fucking, man. How many will pounds do you lose it? I'm still, I'm only back down in 230.

I got fucked up for a little bit. That would have like 235. You look thinner than before, man. No, he looks very good. He's doing the cattle boughs. So you've been going three days a week for how many weeks in a row? Like five or six weeks? Look, God bless you.

That's fucking good. You look fucking good. You're doing the protein powder from Doge. You're a new fucking man. You're a very donuts. Yeah, that's what it's fucked up. You're a funny motherfucker. Thank you, man.

I appreciate it. What's on the goddamn horizon from that? Let me see what other donuts you got in there because I'm stoned to the goat. That fucking edible and that hash kill me. Look at that. He brought maple donuts. We're fucking killing it here. I'm going to take one of these little jelly.

Look at you. Nothing little about that. What's in here? Lemon? I don't know what it's told. Give me some donuts. There's blueberry in there. And boo-bair.

That's good news, apparently. Oh, shit. Is that what you had late? No, I had a regular blueberry donut. I had like the blueberry muffin one. It's great being a fucking stoner, though. You have no self-control. Yeah.

There's nothing you can do. That's the hardest part. You can't get full either. No, you don't. And when you start, and especially with something sweet, you're fucked. Because especially when you do good all day and then fucking Damon, the sweetheart brings two dozen donuts over you're like you want to kill yourself because it's like so hard to say no yeah that's a bad hangover a donut hangover no it's the most delicious one

i used to get when i was like 315 i'd just get a half a dozen donuts and just eat them within a day not not within the sitting but within a day that six donuts what's that right what's that what's that for breakfast i'm good man i ain't into sweets you guys go crazy try for you to get into sweets because Damon brought the fucking goods and death from him. All right. I did some kettlebells today.

I got some son out there. I did some sit-ups with a 25-pound kettlebell. Thanks, man. This is what it's all about. Getting stone and eat with family, right? Everybody wants to do with a show about eating. Fucking Damon brought donuts. What are you going to do?

I'm going to turn them down. I don't give a fuck. Tomorrow's another day. We start from scratch. I go to Jiu-Tzer tomorrow at lunchtime. That's how we do it. That's it. Nobody gets their feelings at least I, eh?

No. They should try. No, that's it. You went to class today Hell yeah And you fought for your fucking night I'm gonna eat another one Because I don't give a fuck

It was a good class What's that What's that third one? Yeah My dinner Who's counting? I didn't even have dinner Oh

Hey go later You know Come on Quit being a bitch And come on Wait there's a maple syrup And you know You know that old

You know that old I'll throw them right out The door I love you all Please I'll throw him right out the door You want to throw up Joey

You throw him out the door, put them by his car. No, Joey, save them. You can never, Joey. They're good, where are they from? Oh, please on Magnolia. It's like one of the best shows I've ever done. You know why?

Because this is as simple as it gets. There's no drama. There's no facetious people trying to be fucking, you know, trying to make you feel bad. We smoke dope and you make mistakes. And you eat good, some nights you eat bad, some days you eat good. I eat good all day.

What do you have? Open it. No bread. I didn't eat good today at all. I ate good today. I got a slice of pizza. That's good. For breakfast.

Frozen Trader Joe's chalman. God knows what the fuck that is. And then a yuckus taco in the way over here. Which is borderline. That shit's borderline. But now with the donut, it's officially a bad day. It's right in Los Phyllis, right on Hollywood. After Hollywood starts to curb.

What kind of taco did you get? I got a steak taco. Oh, shit. Yeah, you got pro. He was off the hook. Yeah, no, you're a bad, a grub. I had oatmeal.

I had a fruit smoothie with almond milk. Believe it, I'm really like a nose. And a mixed berry one with cherry, you know, for breakfast. It's got high sodium, so you take a gigantic shit. And then what I have for lunch?

I had a chicken cutlet. Sodium make you shit? Is that right? Not sodium. What are the other word? I don't know, whatever, when you have the other fiber. And then I,

my wife went, Food went to a restaurant last night. She brought chicken parmesan. And it was the smallest piece I ate. That was it. I shot to my meeting. I didn't eat down there. They had food there like animals.

And when I got home, I had something else. She made steak with a big potato. Oh, nice. And I ate half the baked potato. She cuts the steak into little cubes like medallion, so I'm going to fuck with it. And she recooks it for me. Now, usually I put it over white bread.

I didn't put it over white bread. I like the grease from the stink. going to the white bread. You follow me? That's how I'm professional does it. But I didn't take it to the limit like that. I'm trying to cut down the cars. Then Damon shows up with the best donuts in the fucking world.

Once I got 300 milligrams of me, edibles. We got refo. We got hash. You can't show up with donuts. You got to show up like apples. But, hey, at least he's like the three wise men. He showed up with something. You know what I'm saying?

Right. You can't be mad at them for that. So I'm pretty fucking happy. People get down on their selves. and they, I don't. You know, you know why? Because I won't go get another donut. We went the other and got one fucking donut.

But we drove for four fucking hours, you know, on the way back. That's good exercise. We could have gone together. We could have gone to a fucking bar or something. You know, like, it sounds stupid. But that was hard for me to have two donuts in my house because I fought you. I didn't want to take those donuts in my house because I thought I was going to eat them. Well, Felicia bought a half a dozen.

So she comes back with a fucking half a dozen. Go buy one. a piece. I can live with one fucking donut. It's like a sociable. You know what I'm saying? It's like you can't eat a lot of donuts because the cops are out. You can't drink beers, right? Because the cops are out. You can't have three beers. So one donut's always good. Nobody gets their feeling. Listen, if you eat two donuts every fucking day for breakfast and two

more for dinner, there's not enough sit-ups so you can fucking do in the world. But two donuts twice a week, especially on workout days, you know what I'm saying? Because I look at it this way. Let's be honest here. when I was really smoking dope, I wouldn't even have shared that box with these fucking motherfuckers. You understand? Oh, I could have done that. I could do eight of those.

I can't lie. You want me to lie to you? He did that this week with a nice bag of chips? No, no, no. Why you got to ruin it? How do fuck his chips running? Fuck up the fantasy. No, because you do because it's salty.

Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck, leave? Get the fuck. I look at that. You sit there. You fucking sit there with a chocolate shake. A chocolate. Shake.

Oh, my God. And you get that box and you open that fucking savage up and you got a bong next to you with a little container and you look at that box and you say we're going deep. Right. And that's it. That's too much. And then you go running for 14 hours. What too much sugar. You ate fucking three tacos and two other things.

You told me your fucking McDonald's menu one time. Oh, yeah. It was terrible. My head almost flew. How much sodium do you think you went to sleep at night with? Oh, the thousand. Two thousand fucking grams. Same thing.

But these, you know, listen, man. I'm just saying too, and from my mouth, it would be too sweet? A milkshake and donuts. What about for your asshole? Would it be too sweet too sweet? No, it would be good. You might shit great if you have a bunch of donuts and milkshakes. It was tremendous. It's smooth.

Yeah. A nice vanilla shake thin. Okay. Briars ice cream. Some good fucking whole milk. Ice cream and a milkshake? Oh, you're talking about how you make it. No.

No, come on, dog. A little fucking briars ain't made. Watched down this ice cream with some milkshake. And on this day, they, listen, there was no fucking, uh, There was no diabetic packages in my house. There was only real cane sugar like a motherfucker that one in my milkshakes in those days. There's two types of milkshakes. There's healthy milkshakes.

And there's milkshakes to make you see the devil. The healthy milk shakes, you put the egg and protein powder in eight ounces of milk. And you put a little bit of fucking ice cream. And you put wheat grass in there. Are you supposed to be in purgatory? It's like being in purgatory, but you want those devil milkshaves. But then you have those devil milkshakes. That's just pound for pound.

Milk, ice cream, and sugar. Straight-satisfy. That's it. That's it. That's it. Takes you with a box of those fucking donuts with, like, the mechanic on with Charles Bronson. Are you fucking seriously? Hell yeah. Who's going to stop you, motherfucker?

Nobody. Nobody, cucksucker. Matt Fulton. We're happy to have you back in the L.C. It's great to be here, man. It's great to see you guys. Hopefully you'll be at the store with us, fucking around. I think I'm going to stop by on Wednesday, whether I got a spot or not.

I won't be there Wednesday this week. I'm only there Thursday. and fucking Saturday. I'm in Vegas on Thursday. Where are you at in Vegas? I forget. I'm opening it up for your boy Tommy Segura.

No shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be in Spokane after that with Tommy too. The week after that. It's going to be a good time. You're doing it, man. Oh, yeah.

You're a fucking dream. No doubt about it. It's weird when you see like a bum like me. I got the wife and the kid now. And now I look at it. Like the other day, Yeah, you follow what's going on in the U.S.C.? The other day, Chris Biedman.

I don't know. And the other guy had a chit-chat. He told him that you can't be as good as me because you have a family. That's not always true, though. All your time goes into your family. You know, I have no responsibilities and whatever. But it kind of is because I wish I could go on the road. I wish I'd go to Vegas and have to be in New York the next week.

I wouldn't stay in Vegas. I'd go to New York early and stick around for three days and go eat and, No, I do all kinds of shit. You know, I can't do that. I have children, you know, and I wish I did. You know, I'm happy I do. You know what I'm saying? I mean, trust me, my plan, my original plan tonight was to go see David Gilmore.

You guys do know that. Like, for the last three months. What happened? I had a meeting at 12 o'clock that I couldn't reschedule again until like May 14th or something fucking just May 10th or something crazy. Yeah. I felt that if these people worked this hard to get me meetings. If something happens, you cancel it. But not because I'm going to fucking drop $2,000 out of my family's money to go see Pink Floyd.

Right. Right. I'm saying? Like, I fucked up when he came here and he wasn't here. So you were going to go out of town to see him? I was going to go out of town. Right. My plan was really to go home and see my buddy James and little Timmy and I think a villa was going to go.

And then this other guy at Foucaracho. But then when I hit up folk, he said that he couldn't go. He had to go out of town for business. Yeah. And then James was going to go the whole time. He was going to go alone. And he's gone to all those concerts alone, since we were kids. And I talked to a villa last week, and he was like, I'm not going.

Which shocked me. Shocked me because he was the one that took me to see the wall. Oh, yeah? Like, I went to see the wall with a villa, Fokarachia. No shit. Jimmy Labrano. Jim LeBrano outed since day one. He just got a job driving a truck for $2.250.

an hour so he's like I ain't doing shit right I gotta be on time at this fucking cake so then it was down to us three folks said he was out Vilo said he was out now my buddy James that's my brother I would have gone with him it wouldn't have made a difference but then I realized

I had the meeting on that fucking day and I'm like you know and today I talked to him and I went on the page room there was still tickets available I mean there was still third row tickets at the garden really it was $600 Fuck that shit

Plus a plane ticket Plus a plane ticket A hotel maybe for two nights And you're missing the meeting A limo meeting That's money right there Fucking you know No guys

It's not like it It's L.A. and donuts man Yeah no no no no listen I feel bad We're just another brick in the wall anyway I'm not the type of guy that That could look at my wife And go you know what man And it's on a personal level

It's not like what she would be happy I'm happy with If I went home I can sell my wife anything. My wife is like every other wife in the world. She just wanted to be happy. She's going to put up the fucking Terry Doom shit for a few, but then she understands, you know?

My wife is Terry Doom, you know. She'll find the worst thing and bring it up. Yeah, damn it's a Chinese woman. I said, I go, you go to the Connie Sto? She goes, no, I go, you should go to the comedy. So there's a lot of Asian. Can me as a couple Chinese people. She goes, and my wife is like, yeah,

it's a 16-hour flight. Who the fuck was talking about the flying? The chokers a about flying to China. I told it just to go to the fucking thing. Last night we're eating dinner. She starts with the 70s about CNN. There's people that were 20 at the table. She's talking about CNN in the 20s. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking

about? Nobody's even talking about the 20s. The kids got the earphones on. Felicia's looking the other way. You know what the fucking eat dog? I couldn't say that to her because she'll kill me. But, you know, after that persistence, shit, I can tell my wife. My wife's dynamite. She ain't going to fucking be

mad at me. I'm with my friends, you know. But I can't justify it in my world. I like to come home and go, I'm taking this money out of the house account. No, you can do it. Because I want to go fucking see David Gilmore. You know what? Take a 20, go buy the fucking out.

Right. Come back, you listen to the album, playing backwards, we'll light on fire. Put the Wizard of Oz on. Yeah. Let's get fuck wild. But you want to take a flight back, lose time, see nobody. You know, you hate flying.

There's one extra flight you want to fucking do. So it's a good thing then. Yeah, it was a good thing. I feel bad for my brother James. I feel bad because today when I talked to him, he was, you know, he's going to go by himself. It's tonight and tomorrow night. Saturday, he was at Radio City Musical, which that was the night to go. Right.

That was the night to see that motherfucker at Radio City. So. Don't feel bad. The other guy from Pink Floyd couldn't even make it. You know, man, I fucking saw him when they were Pink Floyd. You know, I have a couple things that I'm very proud of him. That's one of them. Yeah.

I could always, that always wins every argument. Hey, if Roger Waters wasn't there, yeah. Don't feel bad. You know, when people talk about concerts, you're just going to drop Pink Floyd the wall for his fucking night. That's it. I trumped your whole fucking show, though.

Because they got a flying pig and stuff? What do they got? What do they got there on the stage? That night? Well, for the wall. There's a bunch of like theatrics and stuff, right? It was brilliant. Yeah?

It really was brilliant. I bet it's on YouTube. I should probably just check it out. What was brilliant about it is that if you know anything about the wall, it's four album sides. It's two albums. Right. Four sides. Yeah.

And they went up there, opened up like, you know, like nothing. They basically went up there and played like nothing was going on. Now, you're going to hit it assing. This is what... I forgot. This is what the TV, when people go on the... home watching the movie the wall. Ask me how many times I've seen the movie the wall.

How many times? Never. Not even once? Not even once. Never. The reason why there's no reason to it is basically because everybody missed something. You know, listen, you were not going to go see a pain for it without a hit of acid. Like, at least I add.

If you come to see David Gilmore with me, you were doing a hit of acid. That may be even two. rules. They got a hit right on it right on the ticket. I assume you lick the ticket. We don't even play around. There's no, I wouldn't let you go. I wouldn't waste that ticket on you. I would leave you out

in the parking lot. I'm going to ask you before we get in the car. David, we're taking liquid acid. Yeah, I got to go to work for all this day home, bro. It's better if you just put it in a brownie and give it to me. No, no, no, no, no. I got to tell you up front because I don't want nobody a freak out. You know, something like this comes, we're taking a head

of acid. We're just going, don't waste my time. I can't hear a story. Too old. It would fucking break my heart if you told me some bullshit story. This is Pink fucking Floyd. This is the only way to do it. Okay, so it had all this shit, right?

It had four fucking sides. Okay? This is the beauty about Pink Floyd. The wall. That one. Nobody will ever understand that didn't go see it. Four guys come out.

They're playing. Okay? You're on acid. You're on acid. You've been smoking dope all day. You're on T.H.C. Crystal. Okay, here we go. Here's Gilmore right off the bat.

How old are we? 15. Here's Gilmore right off the bat. 16. He introduces himself right off the bat. Behind them, there's a screen. Okay? And it's just throwing...

Right now, they're just playing. They're just throwing fucking... fucking, uh, hit, uh, it's showing, uh,

it's a deep song. What do you call that shit? Uh, you know, those hippie things, those tie dye designs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, you're on acid. Anti-Z crystal. So you start watching this hippie design. And every once in a while, you're like, holy shit,

that's music. Let me go back to the stage. And here's Roger Waters, here's David Gilmore, his Nick Mason. And you're, watching them. You know, and in those days, there weren't screens

around the auditorium that you could watch the band. But this was the brilliance about the wall. That right here, all of a sudden, a bunch of midgets come out, dressed as dwarfs. Okay. All right. Okay. And these

four savages are on stage playing this. This is what the movie doesn't show you. This is what nothing shows. And all of a sudden, they lay down one block of the time, guys. And they're doing all this. Find out, we're going down.

And they're not even paying attention to the midgets. But the midgets are over by the side. This is on the live show. This is on the live show. Could have been midgets. It could be people dressed in green. Doesn't matter. They're not reacting to these fucking people.

Right. They're just down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down. And all this shit, now listen, you hear like shit's going down? Right. That screen is coming at you with rocks and shit. Like rocks are coming at you. Right?

Like it's just ending. Like you don't know what's going on. And all of a sudden... Oh, good louder. And all of a sudden, this is what you hear. And they just stop, you know? And you're like, what happened? And you're on the acid, and they're doing all this shit.

And those midgets ain't stopping. Right. And all of a plane comes up from behind you. A fucking plane is right there. You hear that fucking plane. He's right there. And he's moving very slowly. He's fucking coming.

And all of a sudden, he's ready to fucking hit and fucking bam. You're just sitting there. And there's a woman on stage rocking this fucking baby. Where'd she come from? Who the fuck knows? I didn't call him up and ask him. The midgets brought him. And all this is going to.

on with this woman and guess what? The majors haven't stopped. They're building that wall and they're building that wall and they're building that wall and they're building that war. And they build around them. This is fucking an hour in.

They build around them. You know, now they're getting on with ropes. And Pink Floyd's not seeing this. They just keep playing. They just keep playing. and this is what people at home will never understand

the brilliance of that they demolished you people went home after they did five shows people went home and said listen man I know you're clean and sober it's over because what they're doing is a mind assault on your fucking

they did it perfect here we go this is like a midget coming by with a fucking piano and shit and there you are like what the fuck am I watching and that screen's still going dog And they're still building

And they built To the end So he comes up With comfortably numb And now they're singing it From behind the wall The wall was an idea That they

Roger Waters is such a scumbag And such an ego mania That he goes I love playing music I hate playing for these pieces of shit I wish I could build a war And separate myself From these pieces of shit

That's the truth That's the fucking truth So the ultimate thing was for him to play side four is basically done behind the wall Until comfortably numb When Gilmore does his guitar solo And they show him on top of the wall And that's, can you imagine

So they have a portion of the concert where you couldn't see them Yeah but Sid Barrett is on the side eating a box of donuts Right? Sid Barrett is gone Sid Barrett is gone. Sid Barrett disappeared while they were making wish you were here. He showed up at the studio. Oh, yeah, in the 60s.

Yeah, right, right, right. He showed up at the studio. He was unrecognizable. Then this. Okay, so you're seven minutes in. This is the hottest song on the radio at the time. This is all they played. The album came out November 30th.

We went to see in February 15th to 16th. This is all you heard. This is a brilliant song. It's just brilliant. And it sounded just like that. Thought, be yourself a favor. Let's end the fucking parody. Press in YouTube, February 17th, 1980,

Nassau, Coliseum, Pink Floyd. Why are we putting ourselves through this fucking menagerie? Well, that was a good description, though, I got to tell you. But, yeah, let's check it. It's brilliant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And here's what baffles me about this. It's on YouTube.

I have always... You're a show. My show you were at. I've always asked Steve Avillo. My friend who I went with, who taped it, and who put it up. Because you guys didn't bring your iPhones that night. There was no iPhones in 1980. There was fucking nothing.

But there were stores that you went to that they made the fucking... They specialize in the underground. That's so crazy. Who the fuck do you guys think you... Who the fuck do you guys think you're dealing with? Do you guys think I'm some fucking amateur here? No. No.

Look at that. This is in Jersey, right? Hey, sucker did it. Long night. I think they just recently wrapped it down. I did a club there one time maybe two years ago

and I stayed at the hotel. Do you want to skip forward a little bit? What's that? Should I skip forward a little bit? Sure, sure, but just... See, so they do this album, four albums front to back in order

to the T. This is the... This is the show you were at. Not these show, but they taped all of them. What are you doing? I want to see these little construction workers. See, right now, they're probably won't show them. Because this is the beauty of Pink Floyd.

They had the camera on Waters. Right. The lights on Waters, the drummer, and the organ player, but the midgets were starting on the sides. Right. It's crazy how they got a job in show business, but now they have to do manual labor. I was thinking about that.

That must be kind of a shitty job. I'm going to fill up that wall every night. It wasn't making really light. He was to the tee. These guys were to the fucking tea, ladies and gentlemen. That's what was so amazing about them. No, it sounds like the record. Every other con.

Watch. But the visual is so bad. You're not even going to see anything at this point. This thing is 30 years up. Is it the airplane? Yeah. This is just too much But you don't see nothing

That this to quality A friend of mine that I went to a concert with Because like 80 of us went from my high school I just went with four other guys He sent me this One of the one they have That dark side of the moon The Wall Live tour of the 27

And And uh 19793 that's it You gotta look deep on there I do want to show you guys something Pretty fucking intense Just so you guys might learn some. What are you looking at?

The stars on that day. And put on whipping post by Frank Zappa. Watch this. This is crazy. I went to Frank Zappa's house one time. Did you really? Was he alive? No, he was dead, but a friend of mine was dating his daughter. It was a weird house.

All kinds of weird dolls and decorations. This guy's a fucking nut. Look at the top one. And I mean, this fucking guy could play a goddamn fucking guitar. I mean, they do it too. They do shit. I don't like. They act like fucking jerkoffs. Right.

But besides that, I'm talking about Zappa playing the fucking leads on the guitar. Pretty badass, man. See, I hate all this shit. Why do you hate it so much? Too much the act. Look at me. But Zappa ain't fucking around. Good time, buddy.

I didn't know Zappa was that good of guitar. Yeah, man. I put this on play, not one person reacted to it. like Frank Zappa is like a dinosaur. And today's... Yeah, a lot of people don't know about him. And he would do perfect today. Like if he came back today, if he was alive today

and he played at Echo Park, he'd become a million in one week. This is Echo Park. Yeah, this is the type of shit they do in Echo Park. Put this on loud here. Watch his guitar playing. I'll stand back and take it here. Oh, for loving you.

Look at what you've done. Each of the bad. This is all Zapper playing the lead down here. He's got like 19 motherfuckers on state. Listen. Yeah, Zappa had skills, man. He could show up to Echo Park looking just like that. See all that type of shit drives me crazy.

I want to shoot a motherfucker. But this is real right here. I don't get, Zappa takes it to a motherfucking level. I had no idea, man. Yeah, man. Listen, he didn't last as long as he did because he was a dud. his music was not what most people considered what they liked. He had a weird thing.

It was off the wall and it was like... Yeah, Joe Garage is off the wall, all that shit. But this is real. People act that way because they got chops. Not because they don't have chops. Right. It's like when a painter is really good at painting and he's like, well, I got to do some weird shit

because I'm bored with this regular shit. I love to see this. I hate covers. I like interpretations. Right. That's how weird to you? No, that makes perfect sense. I know a cover.

I know an interpretation. This is an interpretation. You can turn it off. Because of his guitar plan, he interpreted it to his own. There's a big difference between interpretation and a cover. People always send me covers a thing. They drive me fucking crazy. Right.

They drive me fucking crazy. Right. You know, you know who does good covers that dude from the Black Label Society. What is that? Ozzy shit. Right. He covers like Ozzy stuff and he redos it. He does a good job.

You know who does good covers? Led Zepplin. Yeah, they do. They made a career out of it. I've had a career out of fucking doing covers. But they've been smart lately. They've been putting the songs they did right. Yeah.

Have you seen that on video with Jimmy Page? He just put Cashmere up. Uh-huh. He told how he got the rips to Kashmir. Well, he released it on the movie with Jack Black when they did that movie, Heavy Petton, or Play It Loud. Play It Loud. Okay.

In that movie, he does a segment on how. how they came up with cashmere. And it's fucking brilliant. He just, now he's got to stay with it. Now he's just, stay with it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He breaks down, stay with the heaven on YouTube. To say how he came up with it. How, you know, people could say we robbed it,

but studio musicians don't speed up music. Right. That was my fucking idea. He did all that. Yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong. I fucking love Led Zeppelin. I love Led Zeppelin.

I don't care. That's how much I love. I love them to death. And there's people that boycott them. There's people that send me fucking hate mail. They're only hurting themselves if they're working on. You know why I love Led Zepp? Because there's one simple reason why.

The live, the live fucking album and the live footage. The live footage when you see what Jimmy Page and him do. But what you have to really accompany to is you have to get the night in 76 when Robert planted the King Biscuit Flower Hour. You could find that online. You could find that online. Listen to that interview and then watch that movie and listen to what Robert plants saying that. You're talking about song remains the same, that movie? You know, and there's a bunch of different cuts.

Right. There's the sketch cut. That's the one I saw. I also heard that Led Zeppelin remastered it. And when you watch it now, you can see that it's completely off. Yeah? The music is still there. The voice is still there.

What's mentally? You're over there. Bullets thinking how can I Have another donut You look thin Have another donut You never eat your skin and bones Lee you

You're fucking dead Look at you You're looking like a mama luke Give them two donuts You're gonna die You're gonna wither and die You're gonna whither and die You're gonna tame that fire

Dogg You know you can't tame it with sugar Oh no I think you can That's that shit That's Mexican sugar That's not that shit you get from these I think Reaver knows Yes it does

It's a big fucking difference That's Mexican High. There's a certain way he talks when he's not. Let me get in these sheets. Let's fucking do this stuff. Matt Bultron, let me tell you. Let's up. Larry, you're coming back to town. It made me very happy. It always makes me happy to get a phone call from you. And, uh, uh, you know, fucking tickled pink, man. You know, I don't fuck around, though. I know you don't. I know. I got Lee here, so when, you were coming back, we said, fuck it. Joey doesn't fuck around. He says, when you're going to be back, I love you, see you later. Easy. does it.

No drama. Yeah, exactly. I love it. I love it. That's why I don't want to fucking fuck around with this shit. But anyway, you know, like all great podcasts, even though you're having a good time, they all come to an end. It's true.

You know, I got to go home and see if these steroids are going to let me fucking sleep now. They told me these things are not going to let me sleep. That's why I'm going with the high. Are these donuts steroids? No, no, no. The steroids I got to like. I feel like I'm growing already. No, no, no, no.

But anyway, listen, guys, let me tell you something. You know, we're always trying to push food on you because we're a bunch of fat, Sometimes we push healthy stuff on you And it's, you know, I like Blue Apron. I'm a believer in Blue Apron. The calories are low. But there's something else I'm a believer in. I'm a believer in.

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That's 50% off your first box of delicious high-quality snacks sent directly to your door. So do me a favor again. go to naturebox.com, scroll down the page. Look for snacks. Go look through the cashews. Go look through the nom-noms. I mean, it's going to be a tough decision,

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It's that easy. Number two, we were talking about this early. I mean, Lee broke it down for you a little bit. Night after night, two people lay in the same bed, but when it comes to time to buy, new matches, only one gets their way. Until now, we're introducing

the Helix Sleep, where you can buy matches online, customized for both you and her, okay, for him, whatever, for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands, okay? Go to helixleep.com and answer a few simple questions based

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and shipping is 100% free. So right off the bat, we're saving you money. And for couples, Helix customizes each side of the mattress. Personalize to suit each of your bodies the way you both sleep. So the Helix customers report a 30% improvement and overall sleep quality. You have 100 nights to try it out and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free

and give you 100% free refunds. fund, okay? No questions asked. That's why everyone from GQ magazine to Forbes, they're all talking about the Helix Sleep. So do me a favor. Go to helixleep.com slash Joey and get 50 beans. That's $50 off your order. That's Helixleep.com slash Joey and get $50 off your first order. Start sleeping like a prison invict and get you, take care of yourself. You go online, you take the survey, you order the mattress, knock yourself out. I mean, they got great. stuff in this pamphlet, you know, I would be here with you for two days reading all the good stuff, but just do me a favor. Go to helixleaf.com right now. Take a look at all your options,

take the test, and then put Joey in and get $50 off your first daughter. I want to thank Helix Sleep. I want to thank Nature Box, and I want to thank my people on it with the hemp force protein and the Mike Dolce protein that my main man, Lee Syatt's enjoying so much. Look at the face on Lisa. Did you see the... He's ready to go see Pink Floyd. He is. He's ready to fucking do something, Lisa. Yeah. He's been a bed on that Helix mattress. You're fucked up tonight, Lee. You're fucked up, dude. Dude, you're fucked out.

I love it, Lee, when you get fucked up. And now when I smoke some more hash when the cameras off. Oh, good. You get you another fucking donut and knock yourself out. Who takes care of you more than your Uncle Joey? And for you, motherfuckers that don't know, let me let you work. What's cracking up? Next fucking week, Buffalo, New York.

All right, next Thursday, Friday, Saturday, the 21st to the 23rd. And the following week, I make crackers in Indianapolis. Boom. That's right, bitches. One of my favorite fucking joints in the country. Next week, I'll be in Buffalo eating fucking beef on wig like a motherfucker. You understand me?

Fuck the way, watcher point. Fuck the donuts. I'll be turning up in Buffy. What happens in Buffalo? Stays in your asshole. You understand. Where are you at the next couple weeks, my brother? I'm in Vegas with Sigora.

I'm in Spokane with Sigurra. Okay. Who the fuck goes to Spokane? Me and Tommy. He's going like a bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I love you guys at all my heart.

Thank you for always giving us the opportunity to entertain you on a fucking Monday night. What's up, dog? And for people, the video is going to be on his Vimeo account. It's going to be on Vimeo. No more YouTube because he'll take this down. So we're going to stream on YouTube. We play videos, but we're going to shoot the video, Vimeo and put them up. Right.

It's Joey Cocoa Diaz on Vimeo. All right. I love you guys. Thank you very much for watching. See you Wednesday. I'm going to blow your mind with the guest on Wednesday night. so stay black. This show was brought to you by HelixSleep.

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