The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #372 - Eddie Bravo

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Eddie Bravo, Owner of 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu , joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   The Sixth Eddie Bravo Invitational takes place April 24, 2016 at the Orpheum Theatre in Los Angeles, CA and being streamed live for the first time on UFC Fight Pass.   All info can be found here: http://www.eddiebravoinvitational.com/   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first two meals free!   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/17/2016.


You know you make me wrong to watch. It's funny somebody. You got it. Start this motherfucker, Lysiat. I try to turn people onto that song, but they won't listen. This show is brought to you by Miandis. Meandis makes the best, most comfortable underwear, t-shirt, socks on the market, and they're all made with mold-dall fabric.

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That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey. And the show is brought you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and he's called word church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products like AlfaBrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech, Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. Oh, the third verse gets crazy. He fucking, I think he's crying in those days. And the bass players are like, fuck, go back. Oh, shit. You got me.

I'm coming. Ain't no bad at all. Oh, shit. What's up? That's the rooster, baby. I'm sorry, I had the song play. No shit. No shit.

You threw the whole fucking patois off and shit. I had it off. It doesn't matter. It's Sunday night's special edition of the church. You're going to wake up Monday morning. You're going to go, bam! There's a new motherfucking podcast with the rooster on. Oh, shit.

Get that. joint out of the ashtray. Who gives a fuck? We'll get another one at five. You know what I'm saying? Who gives a fuck? Burn that motherfucker down. You ain't going into that office straight.

Put up with those fucking people talking about their weekend. I went floating. I don't give a fuck what you did. Did you eat somebody's ass? That's what it's all about, baby. Let's do this shit. Waffing kids. Are you fucking kidding me?

If you got some fucking sleeping pills, take them now. I don't get no better than this. What's up, Lisa Ann? I had a great weekend. We never even talked about it. I went and got the suits. You went and got the suits? I went and got the suits.

So I had some suits this weekend. Went to a great... Paul had a party for her law school. It was a lot of fun. A bunch of young fucking criminals and shit in law school. Eddie Bravo in the house. Yo, yeah, yeah. Getting ready for you.

He's sick. So when you joined John John, who was there then? Who are the black belts that are big time? How many students do you have at that? There were no black belt. It was just Jean-Jacques, Johnny Machado, Higgin Machado, Carlos Machado, and Hajjah Machado. All up there. In the beginning, it was all five.

Up up there, Tarzana. No, actually, it was... No, when you joined... The original one was Redondo Beach. That's where all the brothers were. And then they wanted to expand. So then they opened up the one here in Tarzana. But they all lived in Redondo, and they didn't want to, like, drive.

Can you imagine the 405 trying to make that six o'clock class? and you live in Redondo Beach. That's a fucking nightmare. How long is that? That's going to take two and a half hours. Only I was going to say two. Come on. You're trying to get from Redon.

You're trying to get that six o'clock class. So they didn't want to make the drive. But then they would take turns. But on Wednesdays, they would all show up to Tarzana. You know what I mean? And that's where I went. I joined when they were making that trip, oh, to Tarzana on Wednesday.

Oh, Wednesday is like 50 people in class. They knew they were all going to show up. And then John Jock and, up, you know, like everyone, Carlos went to Texas, Hodger. He actually quit jih Tjitsu for a little bit. I don't know what happened there, but, and then John Jock decided, hey, I'm just going to take that Tarzana school. I'm going to move out there. So he moved to the valley and he took that shit.

This is my shit. And Higgins stayed in Redondo. He kept that one. Carlos went to Texas. Johnny and Higgin were in Redondo for a while. And Johnny ended up opening up his own spot in Culver City for a while. while. And so at the end of the day, you can't have five chiefs in a school. You need your own school. Every black belt. Eventually, when it all comes down to it, you got to have your own school. You know, you got your wife and, you know, your family. And what is the process of that? Like, I've always wondered of when, because you're just kind of weird in that a student can just one day decide, oh, I'm going to, I want to have a school. And it's like, do people tell you to do it? Like, how, how, how, how, how? It's kind of weird to even talk about starting a school.

You've got to really want it. Some people are good enough to teach and are black belts, but they have other careers. You know, one of my black belts, Amir Alam, who's fighting in EBI6. He's a seismologist, and he was training with me while he got his degree at USC, and now he studies earthquakes. So he doesn't want to open up his own school, and he doesn't want that. So some people do it just for fun, but like it's,

The type of person to open up a school is someone who wants to do it full. And I understand, I almost understand that, that they want to do it full time. But it's a weird, it's a, like, it would be like Joey opening up. See, first off, I got to give a lot of credit to Eddie. I got to give anybody who, when they're a blue belt or a purple belt go, you know what, I'm pretty good at this. Yeah. I'm going to open up a school.

Because if you're thinking, see, what's helped martial arts the last 20 years is that fucking computer behind you. because fucking I don't even know my train of thought I'm so fucking hot it's really easy to learn jiu-jitsu at a rapid pace online on Instagram I learn a lot of stuff on Instagram

those little videos and they loop it's a perfect training tool for jiu-jitsu because the loop that 15 second loop you see a technique and you get to see it you have to see it 15 to 20 times to ingrained it in your brain there's so many things going on

You have four limbs. Every limb has a job. Your head has a job. Your hands have a job and your legs. What are they all doing? No one's taking any time off ever. No limbs and your head doesn't take time off ever. So when you're trying to learn a transition or setup,

you've got to keep track of what everything's doing. And then, you know, and then it's better to feel it too. So you feel like how hard, you know, you have to squeeze or whatever. Or how, you know. But at the very beginning, if you want to steal a move off, of videos, you got to remember what everyone's doing. You got to be able to teach it. So Instagram's beautiful for that because you get to see it over and over and over and over.

You just sit there and watch. You don't have to keep pressing play again. It's a beautiful thing for jihitsu. It's huge for jih Tjitsu. See, I don't think I was terrible at jit-sum, and I was in class. If I tried to learn it online, I think I would have lasted a quarter of the time that I did, and I wouldn't have known anything because that's a whole thing. that it's jujitsu was for me it totally depended on the teacher it was a totally different experience

depending on the teacher i learned more with certain teachers for certain reasons and then the a certain school has an online course but and i don't to me unless you i think unless i think you're advanced i don't know how videos would do it i think videos would be way too well well let me clarify something i'm not talking about jr jr jrism uh instagram and and jiu jitsu videos uh that's an aid. It's a supplement. Right. Okay. You can't do that and not have a go to a school.

You got to have a group of monsters that you roll with. If you don't go to a school, at least you got to, if you're telling me you got three or four guys that you're rolling with three times a week, then I'll take you seriously. But if you're talking about you, you're talking about jujitsu in any kind of opinionated way and you don't roll, shut the fuck up. Right. I don't want to talk about it. Not like you.

No, no, not like you. I'm talking about, I'm talking about, like, so what I'm saying is when I'm talking about benefiting from Instagram videos, I'm already assuming everybody knows, yeah, you still got to train with a bunch of animals. That's just to help you. And you totally could have said that to me and it would be right because I don't know. All the big teachers now have online classes. It's amazing. Yeah, but you, that's a supplement. There's no, you actually you get made fun of if you claim to be a jiu-jitsu practitioner and you actually don't go to school and you just like watch videos and you practice on your sister or by yourself,

nobody would take anybody like that serious ever. It's like the karate kid, the guy in the karate kid was trying to learn from a book and he had to go to Mr. Miyaki to learn. Like it's, and it's crazy how... You both, you need both. It's like going to college. Do you need the teacher? I mean, you could go online and you can read them books.

No, you need a combination of both. And I've spoken about this before, but it's... And then when you make that next step to a teacher, the teacher, just even based on school to school or program to program or gear, or Gita and Nogi, it's complete, there's like 10 or 20 different jiu-jitsu. Every person's different.

Well, that's the art of it. That's the art of it, that everybody could apply a different style. Yeah. Eddie's arm bar is completely different than Henzow's fucking arm bar. And the, but the result is the same.

And that's the art of it. My thing before was, I can't imagine being a white belt, walking into a school, getting your black belt, and then one day going, you know what, I'm going to go,

up my own school because it's a life of suffering for a few years. The internet has helped the income of martial art schools now in many ways that they could get videos and DVDs and all stuff like that. But, you know, they just transition into a martial art school is very hard. You know, people have started in basements and then they move into a dance studio, then they move into a Taekwondo space. Then they pack them up. It's a fucking big move.

Man. Well, Eddie, you started in, like, you were renting space from another gym. Yeah, I was teaching Jiu-Jitsu at an existing MMA gym. Initially was the Bomb Squad. That's where 10th Planet started. Bomb Squad was at Muay Thai Academy, and they wanted to start a jujitsu program. They asked me as a brown belt if I wanted to, and I thought, this was before Abu Dhabi 2003.

They wanted me to teach there. I was still a brown belt. and I turned it down. I thought, what a wasted time. An American brown belt trying to teach jujitsu in Los Angeles in Southern California. While there's all these Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belts, actual Brazilian legends, like, who's going to want to come to me? I'm 32 years old with that money.

I'm a grown man going, I ain't going to eat it. How am I going to ever make money? Brazilian black belts, legit ones fail. I've seen them fail. very hard to make money with Jiu-Jitsu at that point. Now it's easier, at that point. But then, you know, I went to Abu Dhabi within like a year and got my ass kicked at the end of the day by Leo Vieira.

But before that, I managed to Triangle Hoyler, who was a legend at the time in Jiu-Jitsu and undefeated in Abu Dhabi three years in a row, gold medalist. No one scored a point on them, all that shit. that legendary run. And I tapped him. And I was having a hard time at writing for the Man Show. I was like the most depressed I've ever been in my life.

That's the crazy thing about the whole thing in Brazil in 2003 was that I was fucking so depressed working on the Mancho. So depressed. I knew the show was going to get canceled. They were treating me like shit. You know that. And I'm 32. I was 32. And I'm like, fuck.

I quit a cushy job DJing out of strip clip for this shit. I'm fucking ruined. That's what I thought I'm fucking ruined. I fucked up. I knew that the first day. I'm like, oh my God. I made the biggest fucking mistake of my life. This show's going to get canceled and I'm going to be left with nothing.

You know, and getting the job, initially when Joe said, dude, you're hired, you know, you're going to be a fucking writer. You're going to fucking do this show together. It's going to be awesome. We're parlaying into movies, bro. You know, that's what we thought. We actually thought, like, okay, the show's going to be a hit.

We got all these sketches. It's going to be awesome. It's going to blow up. Then we're going to fucking make movies and shit. And then I'll put my music in through the back door. You know, it was always about the music. Ah, sneak the music. That's how the music's going to, that's how I'm going to get my music out.

That's what I thought. Day one, fuck. I didn't think that no more. I'm like, oh, my God. Big fucking mistake. Big mistake. It was all an illusion. And, you know, I was still training. That was right when I was training for Alabama.

Not the bomb squad. How many students did you have? Well. Out of the back. Because I went there a few times to watch. Well, well. And you had 15, 16 dudes. Yeah. My first day at, oh, check. Check. No. Something like blew out. My first day at 18. But before that first day, I came back from Abu Dhabi and I thought,

fuck this job. Fuck this job. I think I could open a school night. think I think I could probably make a limit and Larry is the one who said he's he's the one he told me he goes dude quit that fucking job quit that job right now walk off that motherfucker fucking set right now open up the fucking school you could take

that bomb squad job you could take that remember they offered it to you and I'm like I wonder if it'd still be open he goes are you kidding are you kidding you just fucking tapped out hoar the Gracie asked that motherfucker and I did and goes hell yeah you want a teacher and I'm like okay because I turned that motherfucker down before we're going further I got to tell you

something that you did tonight that's amazing You said, I went all the way to Abu Dhabi. I got my ass handed to me before that. It's so funny how for a year I would go to different places and people were trying to throw a jab at me. Where's your buddy Eddie Brown? He didn't want to Abu Dhabi. Leo Vieira.

And I'm like, you know, what the fuck type of animal law are you? So you came prepared. You're like, let me let them know because there's people that just, yeah, but you love to Leah. It's like. Yeah, you know, always, always, always. When I released a mastering the rubber guard,

the DVD, that was the DVD where I put a bunch of fucking low budget music videos and shit. It was the crazy Jiu-Jitsu DVD other. You intro the fucking each chapter. All that shit. The intro of the DVD there's a montage of shit

dropped his plane and there's just all this crazy Jujas, all just crazy things for my life. And then one of the highlights is Leo Vieira fucking flipping me back and taking my back. Like he fucked me up and flipped me up and flipped and took my back. It was one of the most amazing moves.

I put that shit in the intro of mastering the rubber guard. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Who cares? He kicked my ass. So what? It was awesome. He's a bad motherfucker. He did great.

But anyways, so I ended up going back to the Bob Squad and seeing if the job, the offer was still available. He said, fuck, yeah. So that first day, it was 2003, the first Thursday in June. I just got online and said, fuck, I'm open. I'm going to start teaching. at the bomb squad, 18 people showed up. And from that point on, I knew that was my shit.

Right there that damn. It's like 18 people, most of them were outcasts from other schools, dudes that weren't really happy at their present school. And then some guy just wanted to be there for the first day, but there was still 18 motherfuckers. Right there instantly, bam. I was natural at running a school, just instantly. I'm like, I got these 18 motherfuckers.

What do I got to do to make them not regret coming here? Day one. What do I got to do? Check this out. You guys are going to fucking line up. I knew what I had to do to make them not regret it. Well, that's what I was trying to do. So it was really easy.

I mean, the passion just came, boom. And I had no fucking idea I was going to be teaching jujitsu. I had no idea. I'm 32 teaching jujitsu. That's the last fucking thing. I'm like, how would I ever even be successful? Not why you're doing this, Eddie. I got to ask you something because I was thinking about someone talking to you here.

When you're on the floor and you're teaching these guys' shit, because I used to go, and there you were where you're here, fucking buds on, rolling with your little tight shirt on, sweating up a storm and shit. You were a savage. I mean, did you think that your jiu-jitsu, you were offering a different viewpoint of jiu-jitsu when you started teaching? Just in generalities here, I'm not here. Back when I was a blue belt and purple belt, I was always a no-gey guy at Jean-Jacques Machado.

I was always a guy that was questioning the key. It didn't just happen one day. It wasn't like this shtick that I thought of. I was always that guy. It was day one, you didn't like it. I'm like, wait a minute. I got into jiu-jitsu because of the UFC. That's what I wanted to see.

I don't like nobody at the hoist is the only one with the ghee. No one else is wearing a ghee. And so I was just drawn to no geek. Whatever was closer to MMA. That's what I was into. It's not to pop. It's weird because I see a lot of people doing standards. up comedy schools.

There's 20 fucking stand-up comedy schools. Is that working? People make a living. People make a living. In town, LA here? Now, honestly, do you think that if you're

to be a great iconic comic, would you recommend going to some kind of stand-up school? Or would you say that a dude like Richard Pryor, they just, they didn't need no school. I got two views. I got two views. I'm from the school of fundamentals.

I want you to learn the fundamentals the first time, so you don't have to go back. So I'm from that school of thought. I don't want to throw you into the lines. Let me talk to you three times. Before I got on stage, I paid $33 for a stand-up comedy class. I wasn't going to pay $400 like most of those saps, eight, eight. classes, graduate at the end with balloons and shit. That wasn't my bad.

You got to bring 20 people. Meanwhile, some fucking half-wit. There was a guy in Denver that was doing that. But at the University of Colorado, they offered a $33 kind of class for three Sundays from one to five. And he gave you a worksheet, and at the end, you had to do three minutes. And then he'd pull you over after class and talk to you. Was he a good comic?

He was a mediocre fucking comic. But whatever he did, he opened him eyes and kept me coming back. And that's what a great teacher does, is they keep you coming back. Yeah, I'm looking at a lot different now. Now that I think about it, I'm thinking, it could, you know, even Richard Pryor, if there would have been a really good mentor-type teacher, it could have saved him a lot of time in the beginning. Everybody could save him a time in the beginning.

Yeah. You've got to ask questions. Yeah. You got to ask questions if not, you go to a comic, he's receptive, he's alone, talk to them, buy them a sandwich, whatever. Get those questions. When you work with a comic and all the things, it's like if I go to my first tournament and it's in Albuquerque

and I go with three guys from Ten Planet, this is my first time. They're going to talk to me. They're going to talk to me and listen to them. Don't put your hand on the mat. They're going to just say little things to me that I never even thought about. There's people that don't take that advice and there's people.

I always wanted to do a stand-up comedy school. My problem is I got a different view. you on stand-up than most people. I know how to get good. There's only one way to get good. The way, if I came to you and said, Eddie, I have this ball in my house and I spin around on the fucking ball

and all these amopatra by myself, I'm my wife. When I come to class, you know, once a week, how do I get good? You pull me a sign of a listen, you got to be here five nights. That's it. I don't give a fuck what you got to do.

I don't give a fuck if you wear the same gear. I ain't going to wrestle with you. But you've got to be. you're on five nights. And you gotta eat slip and live this shit. And most people can't deal with that. Because I could tell when the comics are gonna work out, as soon as they ask you about money.

It's like if I come into the school and go, Eddie, let me start training. Eddie, when do I get my black belt? I ain't gonna last. As soon as I ask you for a blackmail, that motherfucker ain't gonna last. Same thing with Santa. I could tell in our second conversation,

as soon as you ask me about money, as soon as you said to me, when do I start making $10,000, it's over. Yeah. Because you're doing it for the wrong reasons. you're doing it to save you and so to save yourself.

And that's the differences you see in people. So right away, I'm going to scare you. If I have a class and I have 20 people, the second day I'm going to have 14. Because I'm going to hit you that fucking heart with what to expect. What to expect. This is what to fucking expect if you're going to do this.

This isn't a fucking thing you do for three weeks and then give it up. You've got to dive into this. You're going to sleep in the house. You're going to get raped. If you're a girl or a guy, You pass on something It doesn't matter

You know It's a fucking life of debt The first four or five years Then it ease up And it's still deadly And unless you're young and good looking And got a view You know

It's a long fucking toe You know on the road and shit Same thing with Jiu-Jit to When you're teaching You know And then one day you wake up And you got 19 fucking black belts And six of them got schools

And they pay a piece of the action For the fucking schools It starts blossoming You know what I'm saying But it's a different pride You look at the same six guys next to you go look at these six motherfuckers are making a living from

what Eddie Bromwell taught him they all came in here as white belts look at them six of them got schools and shit one guy flies around as a Brazilian around the world tells people he's a fucking Brazilian and he's freaking black from New York City you know how crazy is that

how crazy is that so it does it that's where the pride comes in that's where I would die like you know they just did something on a 30 30. You don't watch those things anymore. You're the only fucking sports guy and don't watch dick. They just

did one with a coach. They brought him back. This motherfucker had like 14 players that went to the NFL in the first three rounds. Like, how did you know in college? How did you know? You know, he had eight of them that were pro bowlers and shit. I mean, the people that stood

next to this coach, you're like, that's a team without a quarterback. They don't even need, look at these guerrillas. They don't even need a fucking quarterback this team. That's a type, you know, how do you know the future? You know, this is what you instilled in these guys. Sometimes your own kids don't listen to you, but some fucking kid from a fucked-up neighborhood will listen to you, and he'll believe you. He'll even believe his own father.

I always love that one. It's like someone just kind of falls into it. It's what, like, is it? Like Eddie? Yeah. That's what life is about. All these motherfuckers that go to college and they plan shit and they sit there with a notebook, and when they're six, I'm going to be a fireman.

You're going to be a dude. dick sucker. We're fucking fireman. You don't even know. You'll change 18 careers by the time you're fucking 20. And then something happens. I had a friend, dog, that was a fucking cook in a kitchen. And he was loyal

to the guy for nothing. He worked there because it was what he wanted to do. One day the dude came in and said, I'm dying of AIDS. I'm going to leave you the restaurant. The dude's a millionaire now. It was just like a college summer job or something? Yeah. And the dude stayed there. You never know what's kind of

fucking happen in your life. Way that fucked up, man. You never fucking know. Teaching Jiu Jetsu? Seriously, man, I'm 32 and that's the last thing on my mind. You know what I mean? I'm like, and then it ends up being my life.

It's, when, it's you know, the things you expect never come. But the things you don't expect, man. When did you accept that you were a teacher. Like, if you started at 32,

when were you, like, finally, like, okay? Or was it immediately? Like, I know you said you liked it immediately, but, like... Man, that's a crazy question. I don't know. Because I'm 45 now, and I still feel like I'm 19. I have his 4-year-old son, and I feel like I'm walking around.

Like, I kind of... I love him to death. I love him to death. And I don't know why I feel like I'm just this little kid with a kid. I feel like I'm a little kid, but I'm 40 fucking I'm an old-ass father. Most fathers, you know,

most people have their kids, like, in their late 20s or mid-20s and shit. I'm 45, and I still feel like a little retarded teenager. It's so weird. And that's all I feel with Jiu-Jitsu, too. Every day I come in, I'm like, how the fuck did I pull, my family?

Think about my whole big Mexican family. I'm just long-haired speed metal, satanic drummer who's going to make in music somehow. That's all I talk about. Fuck college. I graduated early from high school. I'm just, I'm gonna,

they just see this. I'm going to, they go to my fucking gigs and it's the worst shit they've ever seen like my aunts, Mexican aunts and uncles and shit, my mom at gigs. It's like a punk gig with, you know. The one of the fucking thing when I went to it. And your mom showed up

down there? No, I'm talking about when I was fucking 16, 17, 18. You know what I mean? Like shitty speed metal type stuff. And And then all of a sudden, you know, then I end up moving to Hollywood. They still think, oh, look at him. He thinks he's going to be a fucking rock star. You know, how's the demos?

How's the music business? You know, imagine this guy, pussy. Not known as a fighter at all. I wasn't a fighter. I wrestled in high school, but no one ever thought that was fighting. And then I go to Hollywood and I see him for year after year. You know, I got a new demo, got a new band. It's a matter of time.

And they're like, how's the music, Edgar? How's the music? okay, you got a new demo, and they're like, you know, I'm just delusional in Hollywood, trying to make it in music. And all of a sudden, I'm doing jujitsu. I'm doing jujitsu. I go to, as a brown belt, I go to Abu Dhabi.

They know I'm doing martial arts a little bit, but I don't take it seriously. It's like a little, like I'm doing pottery or something. And then I go, check this out, I go to Abu Dhabi. I tap out, hoiler and lose, but I don't win the whole thing. And I get back, and my mom asked, my mom asked, how was Brazil? Did you win?

I go, well, I tapped out, Hoyler, but I didn't win the whole thing. Oh, baby, maybe next time. You know, she didn't reach, she just, they didn't even really acknowledge it really. I'm just this guy trying to make it in music in Hollywood. That's my whole purpose, my whole life. And then all of a sudden they start

hearing that I'm this more, they hear, I don't really talk about it with them. They don't know. But then they're hearing from their friends that their friend's son has my book. And my uncle calling him, well, dude, are you fucking, like, some martial arts dude or something?

is my, the dude I'm working with his son says, you know, and little by little, they're like, how the fuck are you this jujitsu guy? You know, I'm a pussy growing up, I would cry at everything. Cop it pulled, pull us over, I'd start crying

and shit. I'm the biggest pussy on the planet. And now my whole family, they know me as Edgar, like a, what are you like some who is this Eddie Bravo karate guy or something like that? They're like freaking out. They don't understand it at all. I'm like, and that's what the dancers your question is like, I walk into class.

And I'm that motherfucker that my family sees. You know what I mean? I'm that little pussy that grew up that can't believe. I tell them, I go, I don't know how people are paying for this shit. I don't know why I ended up like this. To them, I'm just this wannabe fucking musician dude. And now I'm making money as a jujitsu instructor. I don't know how the, it's like, how the fuck did I pull this one off?

It's like, I'm getting anxiety. Just thinking about it, I'm getting anxiety because when you're saying, I'm doing this, I'm doing jih Tzu. In 95, I was stealing, Eddie. I was doing comedy. Yeah. You know what I was stealing, selling coke, but I was doing comedy.

You're just the same way. You were like, how did it off? I pulled it off. Every day, I have a lot. When I wake up, every day I write something in the morning after I drink coffee and smoke. And it always ends with it. I can't believe I did something with my life.

Yeah. That was it. Like, I did something in my life. Like, I'm happy something. even if it was a janitor for 20 years. Like I get my new sack card every three months and I look out of it, I'm like, Jesus. I've been in the union for 19 fucking years late.

Fucking union for fucking actors. Are you crazy? Yeah. I remember watching movies going, I wonder how the fuck you get in these things. How the fuck you get a movie, man? And my friend told me once, oh, my friend in New York, he's a camera guy, talk to him, call him up.

Let's talk to him. What's up? You want to get your hand in there? right? I'm just going to move with my, I'm fine. All right.

He's like this next to you like he's going to steal your fucking for the last 15 minutes and let me tell you can't time you're right. No,

it's crazy how your life turns out. I'm thinking about bouldering. Oh my God, I would just steal in the daytime and do comedy at night. And then the comedy

was like, it still wasn't making any money but people were starting to call me up for $50 gigs and shit, so I must be doing something, right? I said, fuck it,

this motherfucker I got arrested for shoplifting a tent ever tell you about that only? They busted me on the way out of a like Iowa or Idaho? Idaho. Idaho. Idaho. What did you steal?

A tent. I wouldn't even steal. I used to just take them and try the shoplift return and they busted me. I've been doing it for two years and bowled all over the tri-state area and out of all places they got me in that park. You just grab it and just take it to customer service?

Yeah. And say my brother, Eddie, brother, gave me this, give me the cash, and they give you a cash or store credit. Wow. And then you get like $89 of store credit, $100 of store credit. You get $8 of shit you need and they give you $20 in cash. That's how small I was thinking. When I was just on the road in the beginning, I was just buy oil for the car,

anti-freeze, I'd buy a tire. Fuck it. When you're on the road, though, you got to put shit together in that car when you live in that fucking car. So you're thieving as you're doing comedy. I'm on triple runs. thieving. I thieved all the way till 96-97. When we moved,

we robbed that safe. We robbed the safe. And one last job? One last job. And I had like 900 hours in it so he could pull the dead. I used to be an altar boy. And when I believed in Catholicism, I was like, my life was, my stepdad was so evil. I'm like,

fuck this life. Get me to heaven. So I'd go to, I'd be on altar boy. I was like, go, get me to heaven. get me to fucking heaven. And then at around 11, the priest asked if, me and my friend Matthew, we both did it. My best friend growing up, we were both altar boys. He asked us out for ice cream.

So he was trying to make a move on us. He was like trying to get a little date. And we asked his aunt if we could go because we wanted ice cream. Fuck, yeah, that worked. It worked on us. Like, we want free ice cream. But then the aunt said, okay, but I'm coming. So she had like a little suspicion about him.

So she came in Cockblock. We got her ice cream. And then shortly thereafter, I realized, Mike, I thought we were, everybody was Catholic. I didn't know there was Jews. I didn't know there was Muslims. I thought everybody was Catholic as a kid. Our Catholic holidays corresponded with like different strokes, Christmas, Easter special, Halloween special. I thought everybody was on the same page.

I thought we were all Catholic at 11. And then once I found out that there was like all these Jews and Muslims and all these other religions right there, started thinking, wait a minute, this is all bullshit. And then by 12, 13, I was like, I was super atheist and got into speed metal and started writing satanic lyrics and shit. Then I decided, me and Matt, we totally take, now we're evil satanic kids. Like, let's go back and be altar boys and fucking rob. No, at first, at first, the church, we had a neighborhood church, our lady of Pilar, right?

Anybody could walk in during the day in between Mass and old ladies would pray. And there was these metal boxes. They put in like a dollar or $5 or coins and shit on these metal boxes. So we were like, how could we get that money to play video games? We were addicted to defender and Ms. Pac-Man and shit. We were addicted to video games and candy bars. So we needed money for video games and candy bars. So we would go in there on when people are praying.

And when there's no one in the church, we'd have screwdrivers and shit. We'd open it up. And we knew that we were going to close the doors at 8.30. So we would go in right before they'd close. And we would hide under the pews with our fucking screwdrivers and shit. we would hear the janitor lock up all the doors. They would lock up. And you could push them out.

Like to leave, it's easy, but you can't come in. So as soon as everyone was gone, it's like 8.40, we rise up from the pews, and we open up those metal boxes, and we take the change and the money. And we, that wasn't enough. We'd go after and we'd leave and we'd play a defender for like an hour, a couple hours, get some Reese's cups and play some Miss Pac-Man. But we wanted, we're like, you know what? You know where all the big money's at?

Is when we'd go to church and the guys of the guys of, we're collecting the money, they would go back into the backstage of the church. We used to be when we used to be altar boys. So we're like, that's where all the big monies are right there. So me and Matt goes, we're not too old to be altar boys. Let's go, let's see if, let's offer our services. So they let us, they let us be altar boys. So we were like, we're writing satanic lyrics and we were making speed metal and shit.

And we're like going through all the motions and shit. Just so that when they would close up, they close up, They'd close up the church. We would take off our gowns, like in the backstage, and hide in the closets. And they thought we'd have to go, bye, Father. And we would just hide in the closets behind the gowns and shit. Everybody would leave.

We'd come out. We knew they'd keep the collection money from that church. And we'd take about $15 or whatever. Go play. Did they leave it now? They left it overnight. So we kept doing that over and over. And then finally they left a little letter that said,

so we would pretend we would leave and shit, but we would be still in. there hiding in the closet, wait for, you know, for everyone to leave, we can tell. And then we'd come out like little fucking rats and we'd go and take like 10, 15 bucks. And there was a note that said, please, whoever's taking this. They couldn't figure it out. So where's this fucking money going? They couldn't figure it out.

And there was a note that said, please don't take their money no more. So we took a little less. You know, we didn't want to make it that all. We just wanted to play video games and shit and get baby roots and almond joy and shit. And then finally, we did it again. We got greedy. We got greedy. We pretend like we left.

We're in the hiding in the gap. We put all the gowns and the priests. They figured out it was us. They figured it out. So we hear his fucking footsteps. He starts opening up. Oh, there's a bunch of closets. And you could tell he's going through all that shit.

Me and Matt are going, oh shit. Oh, shit. He's coming. We're fucking busted. I didn't know what the fuck to do. So as soon as he opened up our closet and went, boom, all I could think of was going, boo! We scared him.

We got you. We got you. and then we just ran out the door, boom. We scurred away, never to return. And we looked back and it was right there at the door, just looking at, as we ran down the parking lot, we were gone. I went, boo, we got you, we scared him.

Bam, we were gone. That's a true story, son. I used to rob the church. I got a lot of stories like that, too. My mom didn't have any money. She made $150 a week. She had three kids. Oh, man.

We didn't have any money. We had to fend for ourselves. Fucking hilarious. I never looked at you from that direction. Clipp in church. This is a young man. You ever clip of Churchley? No.

I went through like a shoplifting phase, but nothing, not a church. I robbed a bar mitz for once. It's one of the most embarrassing things I ever did. I still think about it once a week at night. Did you take it from the bar mitzvah boy? No, I think I'm from the bar mitzvah guy from 2002. No, I thought it was like the bar. I was bartending, and they had a back room,

and I was at a country club, and I used to be a banquet bartender, a union banquet bartender, and they had fucking suspended me. For close to nine to ten months, they had suspended me, because of tardiness and not showing up and not calling. As a bartender.

As a bartender in New York City. And I'm robbing them blind. As a bartender. Yes. Oh, yeah, of course. Everybody's robbing them blind. Every job I had as a kid, it was all about how much you could rob them. It's fucking terrible.

Terrible. Terrible. And for peanuts, like, it was just garbage. Yeah, you just wanted $5. What were we talking about? Your bartending gig. So they sent me to this fucking, so. I'm out of work, guys, and I'm just stealing for 11.

I'm just waking up in the morning, going for it. Whatever, I'm putting a suit on, I'm going to buildings. I'm a fucking creepy motherfucker dog. You know, somebody would get up to go to the bathroom. I'd rob their office, you know, whatever they had, the petty cash box. It was terrible. It was fucking terrible. I think of all that shit.

so that I got a call one day, hey, you're back in the union, you're available Saturday. I'm like, fuck, yeah, they're like, this country club needs a bartender. First day there. I didn't even wait a week. First day, fucking there is a bar mitzvah.

And they're putting envelopes. I don't know what they're into the envelopes. I'm just sitting there, and they keep coming back to me with bags of gifts with envelopes in them. And I'm just putting them back there. And finally, I see a couple come in with a kid, a Jewish kid, and the guy takes money from his wallet,

cash, and puts it in this envelope. licks it. And when the mother comes out, he gives it to the mother or the cat don't know who the fuck it was. So when they would stack up, they come to me and go, put those envelopes in the back. I just saw it, and I remember what color it was. I opened that envelope up that was fucking a deuce in there or something.

300 bucks. I go, wait a second. I got 100 envelopes here. I hit the jackpot. I'm just going to walk out of here with the fucking emboats. That's how crazy I was. But I took 20 of them. I ripped them open. And whoever had a check, I just drew it in the garbage. And whoever had

You didn't even let them keep the checks? Fuck no. They were ripped open. They're going to know that somebody ripped them open. Fuck it. At least there's a check. Fuck it. What are you going to do?

There's got to be a victim there. And I fucking took the money. It was like a thousand bucks. And at the end of the ship, I just left. And I threw away the ones I had ripped open. What a creepy fucking thing to do. That's how much of a creep I was. And I was a grown man.

I did that shit. I generally stole just, I'd go to, like, Thrift, uh, farm. It was called, thrifty, but it's like ride aid now. You know, uh, take,

uh, soap and shit that I needed. You know what I mean? That I didn't, I couldn't afford and I couldn't pay for. And there's this one time where I'm 13 and I, still a virgin, but,

uh, all my friends thought that I had sex with sue. This one girl that I made out with, I told everybody that had sex with her because I don't want to be a virgin. I'm 13 and I, like my older brother, like he's having sex. And it was just embarrassing being a virgin.

So I lied. And I said, I had sex before once, just so I wasn't a fucking virgin, because all the older kids were, they were 15, 16, and they're having a lot of sex. And here I am, I'm like 13. But I have this girlfriend. We'd make, you know, you know, that girlfriend before the sex days

where you're just making out for like three hours straight, you're just like, ah, in the side of the house, waiting, you know, waiting, the mom pulls up or the dad pulls up. You could run in the house real quick and pretend you're watching MTV and shit, you know, when the dad walks in. So you got to do it on the side of the house. the garage so you hear the cars come in because you never knew with this girl

we never knew when her dad or mom were going to show up her mom was a hairdresser she had her irregular schedule so we had to do our making out but we had to keep our keep the lookout and shit all the time and then after about three months you start feeling the side of the you're making out and you put your hand right

on the small of her back and she fucking pushes your hand away and you're like fuck so then you make out again for a couple more weeks and then you try it again and then she puts your hand and when you fuck And then finally she doesn't push your hand. You're like, oh, shit. Now you're making out. You're 13 and you're feeling the small of her back.

And you're like, oh, my God. You got like the craziest boner. And eventually, after six months it progresses inch by inch, then you start reaching her for the titty. She pushes it away. You reach for the titty. She pushes away. And then she grabs your hand.

Then she grabbed my hand. Open up her braw. Her titty's were mosquito bites. And she put my hand on her titty. And it freaked me the fuck. I'm like, oh, my God. I'm feeling a titty. You almost had a nervous break.

Yes. Your face got red. Horrible. I had to tell somebody I ran home and my friend in Oregon down the street. We met it. I go, come to the church. We go to the church.

We had a local church where everyone hung out. We're like in the church and the pews. I'm like, man, she grabbed my hand and pulled her bra down and put my hand like right on it. And she said, oh, your hands. She said that and I told him. So then he always used to make fun of me. We could play football. It goes, oh, your hands.

And I go, shut the fuck. Look up, man. You're not supposed to tell anybody. So eventually we got to the point where we were dry humping, dry humping to the point where I was ejaculating. Oh, sweating your pants. So we would be on the ground, like in the garage. We're fully cloth making out and giving each other lap dances.

And I would bust nuts. I'd come home and shit, pull off my sticky ass underwear, throw them in the hamper, and then just watch TV and shit. You got what I mean? I was like, I was satisfied. I didn't need to go any further than that. I was totally cool. That's where the progression stopped at the dry hump.

And I was cool with that. I loved it, looked forward to it. You know, and then she wanted to go further. We were 13, and she was like, we need to take, she talked to her 12-year-old sister who was having sex with her boyfriend. She gave, her 12-year-old sister gave. Where did you grow up? In San Ana, Mexicans.

She gave her, her 12-year-old gave advice to the 13-year-old. She said, you got to ask him to get a condom. So she tells me, she goes, I think we need to get a condom. And I was like, for what? What the fuck, we need a condo for it? because I think we got to actually have sex. And I thought, oh, shit, I'm not going to buy a fucking condom. I'm going to go to thrifty drug stores and buy a fucking condom.

I know I was going to have to resort to my thievery ways. So I go, there's no way I'm going to buy a fucking condom. So I went into thrifties with an electric blue giant ski jacket. I walked in there, grabbed. I didn't want to do this often. So I got the biggest box. It was the Aqua 36 pack. I was 13.

I'll never forget. The Aqua 36. pack, put her in my fucking ski jacket, walked out, stole it, and bam, now we had to have fucking sex. It was time. She's under the covers. I get in. I put the condom on. We're in her bedroom. I'm looking out to make sure her dad fucking doesn't show up, you know what I mean?

And I didn't know, I had no idea where the pussy was. I was trying to put it in, like, right at the clip. So I had a condom on, and I'm going, boom, right in the clit. And I'm not having any look. And she's like, that's not it. That's not it. And then I fucking nutted right there, just trying to put it in the clit. And then I'm like, I think your dad's here, your dad's here. So we got dressed. I went into the living room, watching some MTV, and she comes out.

She had a dress on with no underwear. That was her move. Like she would just stand up and say, hi, dad. And then she had a dress. So she comes into the living room. She goes, no one's here. Come on. Let's go back.

And I said, you know, because I'm nutted. I said, I have a bad feeling. Let's wait a while. Let's just wait. So wait like 30 minutes. We go back, put the condom back in. And I asked her for help. She goes, you got to help me.

This ain't working. So she grabs it. And she puts it. I'm on the fucking, and I was, I realized I was so off. I would have never guessed to go way underneath by the ass. I would have never guessed. I was totally in the wrong spot. And I put it in three seconds.

She's fucking freaking out. It hurts. I come again. Boom. It's a fucking rap. And I go home. My brother's 17 at this point totally experiencing and shit. And I run home like, dude, Nicole's pussy haul is right now.

next to her asshole. And he goes, they're all next to the asshole. I thought you had sex before with Sue. What about her? And I'm like, oh, I did. I go, they're all by the asshole? He goes, yes, all pussy holes are by it right next to the asshole. And that's where I got busted.

I learned a lot that day. Oh, but check this out. So we started having sex, right? It would last one minute, one minute. And after like the 11th time, she started crying. I go, what's wrong? And she said, I didn't think it was going to be like that. That would be so much more.

And she's crying. And I go home and ask my brother, like, oh, fuck, Nicole freaked out. She started crying after we, it was like the 11th time. I'll never forget. It's like, it was like, and my brother said, well, how, how fast are you coming? I said, I don't know. It was like within a minute, two minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. I go, I don't know, one minute.

I don't know. And he said, that's where you're fucking up, dude, you gotta fuck them good. You gotta make them come. You can't come until they come. You gotta make sure they come. My brother's giving me all this sex advice. I'm like, oh, shit, I had no idea.

Then I took his advice and tried to hold it and shit. It was really hard to hold. What I would do is I would name Cleveland football. I would spell Cleveland players names. Like, after a while I remember spelling Webster. I go, Cleveland Brown's wide receiver. Webster Slaughter W-E-B-S-T-E-R

S-L and it would work, man, it would work good because if you got to spell that shit out, you're not thinking about your dick, you know what I mean? And then sometimes it would work too fucking good. And then your dick starts going and you don't want to go limp. So then now you're thinking about pussy and now you're looking at the pussy and you're all into it. And then it gets hard and then you got to go bam.

Wide receiver Cleveland Brown's Brian Brennan. B-R-I-A-N-B-E-E-N-N-N-E-N-E-N-. And then boom, it would go, it would work. And I was getting close to finishing those 36. So I said, damn, I got like six left. I'm not going. I don't want to get busted for stealing condoms. That was because I had gotten busted a couple times.

Every now and then you get busted shoplifting. And so I started fucking washing them. Like the last six, I would fucking have sex with them, pull them out, wash them with soap and shit, fill them, then rinse them, fill them with water. And with all the weight of the water, you could roll them back up and you slip them back in the packets. Boom. I used him like three times just to avoid trying to steal them again.

You were like a walking yeast infection. You were giving broads yeast infections. And I don't know what's going on. And he's spreading that fucking dried up helmet juice. He puts back in the cellophane. Those things are indestructible. Yeah, but they're not rewashable. You can't put them back in there.

Try. As they go back in there with fluid and then they develop a mold. No. I'm telling you, they get all fucked up. Trust me. I did that for years. It was so crazy because I had a big career of humping.

And then when I, me and my friends robbed a box of condoms from Bergen-Line Avenue, this fucking box of all different colored condoms. I put one in my wallet, and that's when I stopped getting pussy. You can't have it. In those days, when you put a condom. You see the ring. You could see the ring. You'd fuck it up.

Your mojo would get fucked up when you were prepared. It was when you didn't get prepared that the chick let you suck their tits and finger them. and then you pass out your shit I had some horrible but my fucking dry humping thing I got into dry humping she used to let me suck the tiddies though from time to time when I tried to drove me

fucking crazy though I used to dream about dry humping I didn't even want to take the next move also I was very happy dry humpin yeah that was good it was like sex because once you're not a nut is a knot is a nut is a nut when you're done

So if you're nut in your pants, you're done, it's over. You know, it's fucking done, son. We would do a whole side of an album. We would drive him to a whole side of an album. That's where lap dancing started. Her brother hated me, guys. A brother fucking hated me. He knew, he knew.

He used to torment me in front of him and shit. Till this day, if I see him, he still doesn't. Fucking like me. Did you ever have a girl, one of those girls that was saving that pussy for marriage but had no problem, sucking dick when she was 16? No. No. No. This is the weirdest thing.

There was a girl in my eighth grade class. She had those warts all over. You hurt? Yeah, she was a cute girl and she had warts all over. Her name was Claudia. But she was one of the best baton troylars in the world. This is a fucked. This is a fucked up story.

I went to grammar school. I used to break her balls. No, nothing happened between her and I. We were just in the eighth grade. The guy got left back and I was, ah, we were friends and shit. But she used to take me the parties. She used to invite us all the parties,

and her parents went to real estate. And they used to own real estate office with these other parents. And these other parents' kids would come to the fucking parties. And there were these two girls. There were two Cuban girls. Now, at that age,

when I was that age, Cuban girls were untouchable because if you dated them, you had a great grandmother came to the movies or their dad came with you. So why even bother with them? I wouldn't even talk to them. That was a waste of my time at that age. When you're 14, you want to have sex, guys. You know, if I got to bring her grandmother with me in,

that's too much work for Uncle Joey. At that time, that was not going to fucking happen. The girl that used to dry hump, she brought a grandmother to the movie one time. I almost had a nervous breakdown. Because when you're 13, you want to go to movies to make out. You don't watch the movie. You don't watch the fucking movie. You leave there.

Your shirt ripped. Your pants is soggy. You've come in those things three times. That 13-year-old come that comes out hot. Yeah. Hot. Like, steam's coming out of your fucking pants. I remember I got pissed when I was seeing a girl who said,

listen, there's a problem. When we go to the movies, I actually want to see the movie. Yeah, you're the tagging in the movie, Tee. That was, I was insulted. I'm like, you want to see the fucking... When you're 13 and you took me to the movie, like, well, if I took you roller skate in Jersey... Yeah, it was dark.

It was the only place where it was dark and you could make out. We were going to roll-erscape twice, and we're going to swap some fucking spit. That was understood from fucking day one when you asked the girl. Yeah. Movies is the spot. I'll never, ever forget this guy.

So, I graduate the eighth grade. I become a freshman. I play basketball. And I would walk home sometimes, and I would stop by the real estate office. I knew the girls. And I knew Claudia. And I would stop by the real estate office.

And do you know that, like, with the end of my freshman year, I started dating one of the girls in the closet. Very shy. But there was two girls, remember? So I would date this girl, and I would go to the house from Richfield Park and swap spit with her and dry hump her. But as soon as I went for the back, the hand,

and this went on for four or five months, dog. Oh, yeah. This was not going to happen to all. So one day I'm walking home, this is, you know, and I'm in shot, guys. Nothing like this has ever happened to me I walk home and I go let me go by there and see her name is Maria, let me go by there and see Maria.

And I go to the Maria Maria is not there. She's in school, but the other girl was there. And the other girl was just as back. But to my naive mind, I don't know nothing. I walk in there. Oh, no, she's not here. And the girl starts talking to me, starts talking me.

Next thing, we start swapping spit with dry her up. And I got my dick out, you know, the whole fucking thing. I'm nothing on the stomach. I didn't even get to the pussy. You know, I knettled on the stomach, on the shirt, the whole fucking thing. She jerked me. You know, it was like something that was just crazy for a guy like me at that. I thought these two girls were untouchable.

She broke down and ratted and, you know, the whole fucking deal. That's the point of the fucking story is. The point of the story is you never fucking really knew. It was so tough to be that age. I think when I think of that age sexually, it was a fucking nightmare. I had this friend Eddie Lamenca. Cool, motherfucker, Eddie Brom. cool motherfucker

he was only a stupid Cuban dude he was 16 in the 7th grade because when he came from Cuba he didn't know how to speak English Betty Lamenca was cooler than fuck Eddie Lamanca had a German girlfriend name Alona this fucking girl

and the dog every time you've seen him he had hickies she had hickies the mother was hot she was hot and the little sister was hot and they were from Germany and one day in the eighth grade he came home and he goes dog My father got a job in Miami. I'm moving down there.

I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? He moved away, dog. But guess who stayed? Alona. And Alona was banging, Doug. And Alona would come home to my house on Friday nights. You want to watch Sanford and son. I was in shock the first time.

That girl knocked on my door. And, you know, for weeks. I didn't know nothing about nothing, guys. I knew nothing about nothing. All I knew was about loyalty. You know, that's my friend's girlfriend. She wants to come home and watch TV She'd come on and watch TV

Do you know that one day I went upstairs Do I came down that bitch She was bald ass naked masturbating She was a year or two older with me I had never seen them like that in my life Of course I swapped spit with it I didn't have sex with the guys, not at all I nutted on her stomach

I did something stupid, suck the titty This went on for like four or five weeks And she never talked to me again I looked for on Facebook from time to time She's not even on Facebook She threw me to the wolves I graduated early I just wanted to get the fuck out of high school

And just get on with my music career That's what it's all about And I took extra auto shop classes After school just to get the credits And my high school was the last school To switch to 245 credits To graduate They were still 210

I'm like damn I can get out this motherfucker soon It's like it's the 87 My senior year September 87 I'm like I'm gonna get out of here in January 87 and check this out. I'm going to take some, I'm going to take some auto shop classes and get this motherfucker over with. So I graduate and I start working at Music Plus, which was a record store. I'm 17 years old. I graduated at 17. Got my hair down here. I'm working at Music Plus. It was a chain in Southern California. That was a bunch of music plus is ever. It was like Blockbuster Video. And then they went under just like Blockbuster Video. Music Plus was the shit. And I'm 17 years old and I'm working the register and I'm working the register and I'm

working selling tickets to concerts, and this 24-year-old hottie comes in, blonde just fucking, just fully developed woman. And I'm 17. She comes in and buys Sam Kinnison tickets. And I'm like, you like Sam Kinnison? She goes, hell, yeah. I'm like, damn, I thought, I love Sam Kinnison. She goes, you want to go with me?

I'm like, fuck, yeah, I want to go with you. But it was like two months after that. And I thought, wow, I'm going to lose touch with her. I bought Iron Maiden tickets, number of A-Ovail-1. I said, you want to go see Iron Maiden? And she said, yes. So we went out. I told her I was 23.

I was 17. She was 24. I told her I was 23. I took her out of my Pinto Station wagon. We went to fucking go see Iron Maiden. And we're holding hands at Iron Maiden. Then we start making out of Iron Maiden. And I said, fuck, Iron Man.

Let's get the fuck out of here. She goes, fuck, let's go. We went back to her house in my Pinto station wagon. She thought I was 23. And we're driving back. And there's my... graduation class of uh um 88 because i graduated and i suppose i'm class of 88 and it's like hanging right there right my mom fucking put it up there on uh the the the the rear of mirror

and i'm driving i'm looking at it going fuck i wonder if she notices it's the class of 88 anyways um we had um she was just she was just uh way too mature for me and she knew it she pretty much figured out I was lying and she had I was like sprung on her I never had sex like that in my life she she she was a woman showing a little boy how to get down we were doing like I mouled like three times a day just just she was uh she showed me so goddamn much and then she had to let me go and she said listen I'm gonna it's it's it's it's over this is the last time we're gonna see each other her I'm she was like we're just not right for each other she was but she took she walked me out to my Pinto station wagon and sprawled me out in the carpool lane on my Pinto

station wagon with a crush hood. She sat there and just gave me a, like a goodbye BJ. Good life, she basically said. She was so mature about it. She dumped me. She cut me off, but said, okay, let me just give you one more little. To go. Yeah, a little to go. And then everything's cool. We're all good, right? And then I went on my own way. I'm like, She was a total pimp player. Anyways, that wasn't that good of a story. Where's Tony Benedict, a second? Is there any way I could take a piss?

It's right next door. We'll play some Tony Bennett, give it a little breathing. Take your time, but hurry up. Which way? First door. Right, that's right. What's up, Lisa? Yeah.

When somebody breaks. You're fucked up over that, Lisa. Hey, you're falling asleep on me? I'm not falling asleep. I was watching. I was watching. I'm somebody twice as smart. Oh, my goodness.

What's so funny? A somebody who will swear to be true. The fuck you took you so funny. You, you fuck. You crack me up, Doug. I'm glad. Telling me, you know, you know what a fucking non-n-n-looking like two-ton common, whatever the fuck his name is.

You're trying to tell me, you know. How much do we have, 725? Doesn't matter. I'm shathing, right? At this point, it doesn't matter. What do you got to do tomorrow? You're going to get up? You got to go do a speech at 80.30?

Cettlebells are. Yeah, got kettle bells at 9. Perfect. You already another one. Fuck it. Get the kettlebells. Your heart's still popping from the night before? Stop.

Who's better than you? You'll be swinging those fucking kettlebells like over your head. Like, I have like, up there and shit. What do you got to lose? Go have some fun to more. Yeah, absolutely. Let's do it. I got to go to Buffalo on Thursday.

That's going to be fun. I'm excited. I'm going to fucking... Well, he sent me a picture today on Facebook. They gave me four wings. No, I didn't get... All right. Here's what it is.

It's called Black House. It's in North Hollywood. No, it was great. Oh, Chef Daniel. It was prepared. Not Daniel John. Chef John. Did he come on and introduce himself?

No, I asked to, yeah. They applaud, like, because I... Like, all right, I saw my dad do it when he used to work at legal. Like, he had this friend who was... was a chef who would just do whenever my dad would go in he would just make whatever and make like something for him. So we went to this place and they had that as an option for like 15 bucks and all the sandwiches were like between 12 and 15.

Oh shit. Anyways. So I said sure let's do it. Did he come out and talk to you? Yeah well he did because I asked for it. And he was a chef because I'm a dork. No he's not a chef. He was like a 20 year old stoner like Mexican kid but this place it's like the coolest. All right. And I know the diet's not good, but just look at this. I'll show you what it was. I don't want to see it. It's

disgusting. It's disgusting. Listen, if you went, it's disgusting. I know you. I know what the places you go. And this ain't the shit. You look at it. This is what I have. Top 10 in my entire life. You're 26 years old. You eat at your pole place there. You think

that's cuisine. Shut up the fuck off. Look at that. Look at it. Look at it. That's delicious. Yeah, that's delicious. Yeah. Turn that shit off. Fucking sourdough bread with carnitas and fucking... No, yes, son. You say I'll deal with them? Are you passing out?

No, it just oppresses me. Spark it up? He gets falling. He falls for all this shit. Are you allowed to smoke some weed? No, no. This is here because I want it for museums. Come on, pay me a dollar.

Look at my weed. Oh, shit. shit. This is the Don Perignonian of fucking weeds in your, we ain't fucking around on a Sunday night, a.k.a. Monday morning for some of you motherfuckers that download this Monday morning. Oh, shit.

Tremendous. But you know, the fucking beauty of this whole thing, Eddie Brab, was that you went from 18 students to listen to this, producing your sixth tournament, like Han, right, without your island. But the beauty of the, this is that you are now on UFC

Fight Pass. So this all started with 18 fucking students. So you people that don't believe that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, listen, nothing happens on the couch. And not only just 18 students, but like, right around.

See, that's a t-shirt. Nothing happens on the couch. You're sitting there like a fucking bump on a lot, you know, I'm going to do this. You ever see those people, they drive me fucking... Nike could buy that. They drive me fucking crazy those motherfuckers. They drive me crazy. They used to drive me crazy when I was young.

They sit there and they tell you, and they say, the people when you go to those coffee shops, listen to their conversations. You want to put a gun in your fucking mouth. You know, we were talking about those comedy schools. I don't have the audacity to teach at a comedy school because it should be something that I should get like 12 people and just do it once a year.

I think that would take something. But the mentality that I would attack them with at the beginning because I want them to know it's not a duck walk. And you know what, man? I've been here fucking 20 years. I've seen people who were stars that went to Montreal that used to get spots at the Laugh Factory. They're home already, bro.

They're home in packing. Those guys got half-million dollar deals. They're gone. Because somewhere they didn't do the fundamentals. Some were they didn't do the fundamentals. And the fundamentals is hard work. And somewhere when they come out here, they've got to redo it. And not only redo it, but you've got to keep doing it.

You got to keep doing it. This ain't something that I do and I retire like Anderson Silver or I get buses for steroids and take a year off. I do this until I go on the grave. Joe, you always talk about building a system and any, like, the one thing we haven't talked about yet is like that planet is a huge. Like I always know you as a goofy. I see you at the gym. We're goofy. You're like, you're funny.

But you're like it's like a, like a chain. It's like a, like a whatever, like an AMC or whatever you want to, whatever you want to say. A fucking franchise by a kid that graduated high school when he was 17. And he built it. And worked that music fucking empire. And no college, no fucking Boston you, no all this bullshit, a franchise that he figured out on paper. He lost whatever the people were doing. And he goes, you know what, this is a good idea.

I'll do this, this, this, this. And you figure it out as you go along. No financial consultants, no jiu-jitsu specialists, no production, what they call them, public relations team. the Republican The Republican Supreme You know This is just

fucking word of mouth People working out People sweating It's all an accident Man I didn't plan this at all man It wouldn't I used to wonder what

Like Michael Jordan Really meant when he said When they ask him How the fuck do you do it I'm like Marcelo Garcia How the fuck do you do it And they all said the same thing They say

Oh because nobody loves it As much as I do And I'm like What is that Everybody loves it loves it. I don't really, I never really understood that. And my life is an example of that. Like, I did jiu-jitsu just because I loved it. I wasn't planning to do anything with it. I wasn't planning on even being a world champion. I was just competing just to see how I would do.

I wasn't trying to fucking win a world fucking championship ever. I just did the Abu Dhabi trials. I won that. And I'm like, oh, shit. When I did the trials, there was all these stars doing the trials. I'm like, fuck, how cool would it be? Look at, I could go to Abu Dhabi. I could sneak in with these motherfuckers. Like these real grapplers. I'm like, me, I'm just a fucking, like, a musician. You know what I'm like?

How cool would it be if I can go to Brazil with these motherfuckers? And then I win. My holy shit, I'm fucking going. God damn. I never thought I was going to win or do anything like. I thought I was going to get smoked probably the first round. And I was just happy that I got a free trip to Brazil. I'm like, fuck, yeah.

It was like, I got a free trip. When I won the trials, I didn't expect like, oh, I'm going to be a champion. It's a fucking free plane ticket in hotel in Brazil. The tournament was like, like, I'm going to get smoked. I'm a brown belt. Come on, these guys are. So I never expect that shit at any time. And then that's what blossomed.

So to me, that's a lesson in life. That's a lesson in life is you got to do what you love and it'll all work out. Just keep doing what you love. As long as you're doing something, love anything. Just do it. It doesn't matter what you love. People come up to me all the time. What part of the game should I work on?

I'm a blue belt. I'm a purple belt. I'm a white belt. Like, what do you love doing? You like Camoros? Get into that more. Find something that you love, that you're attracted to,

and fucking make that a ninja part of your game. And then it doesn't really matter what it is. It could be anything. And, of course, you want to be well-rounded, and you want to fill as many holes as possible. and you want to have game from every position, every angle, you want to have something to offer an escape

or some shit or some kind of offense. Of course you want all that. But everyone has holes, so don't trip on the fact that you have holes. Everybody got holes. Jiu-Jitsu is so vast that everyone got holes. World champions. Ten-time world champions got mad.

I mean, holes as far as parts of game that are legit, they don't have down in their system. Every, all the greatest jiu-jitsu, players on the planet have, are not that good at other people's games. They go to their game. That's their game. Specific techniques, not like a game, like some kind of spiritual game or anything. It's like a physical, you could write it down on physical game.

Everyone's got their own game, everybody. And Jiu-Jitsu is so bad. It's good, it's good news for people that are in the Jiu-Jitsu business and people that are in Jiu-Jitsu really in general that it's endless. It's endless. It's endless. You have a lot of material. It's not like being part of a, like boxing.

Like you get into boxing, man, it's going to be hard to teach a boxing seminar. You know, you're going to throw your jab, your special way to throw a jab and then a jab hook. There ain't that much. It's all been done. Very hard to do boxing seminars. But Jiu-Jitsu, man, you could, it's so vast that anybody, as long as you love it and you want to train every fucking day. You just fucking love it. Anybody could teach Jiu-Jitsu and make a living.

Anybody could do it. It's so vast. And everybody could be obsessed with it if they're introduced to it in the right way. You know, there's a right, because most people are fucking scared. They think, oh, my God, am I going to fucking kill me, man. I don't want to fucking get killed or exposed. And people fucking think I'm a pussy. Fuck that.

You got to, like, sit down and talk to people and basically be a counselor to some, not everybody. Some people are like, oh, my God, I want to do that. It's like a video game. Cool. like 10% of the population, you don't have to coach shit. They're going to jump in and they're like, put me in right now, you know.

But most of the population, the reason why most people don't do the Jujitza is because they just have a complete misunderstanding and what it's all about. They think they're going to come in and people are going to laugh at them because they suck. And they're going to go, fuck, look at that guy.

They're going to put you on YouTube and humiliate you. It's not like that at all. Everybody, no matter who you are. You just started? I was going to make fun of you. You know what they're really thinking? They're thinking, damn, if this guy sticks it out,

he's going to be a nightmare in the future for me. That's what they're thinking. Not thinking, oh, my God. This guy can't even do a fucking arm bar. He just started a week ago. He just started a week. No one does that. It's the opposite of that.

It's like everybody was that guy in the beginning that didn't know shit. You're like, oh, you don't know shit. Just relax. You don't know shit. Just keep coming. And then you'll know. shit. Don't trip out. You're not knowing shit. No one's even paying

attention to you. No one is even thinking one fucking thought about you. So get off that shit like you think you're going to be humiliated. No one's even thinking about you. You know what I did in Jiu-Jitsu today? What? Let me tell you how good my day was today in Jiu-Jitsu. I got there five to ten.

I warmed up. Did some jumping jacks and push-ups. I did some fucking bridges. I did a few hip escapes And that's long at VMAC It's a long thing And I got in my fucking guard

And I go John Beat me up And he passed my guard Every time Every fucking time Didn't submit me But he passed my guard Every fucking time

Damn he didn't submit you But here's the beauty of it Here's what my accomplishment was Even though he passed my guard And I moved my legs And I got him to half guard Basically all the times Towards the end

When Henry got there I went into deep half, and I went the wrong direction. But in my world, I wanted to deep half. I wouldn't have done that six months ago. I didn't even know how it worked. And guess what? I threw his balance off. For me, that's a start.

That's awesome. Do you understand me? Yeah, of course. And you have to do the same thing with comedy or anything like that. You have to take little accomplishments and not lose your mind, when you do get a big accomplishment, look at it in perspective and go, okay,

this is why that happened. At least I know it can happen again. Now, if it happens again, I'm a bad motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? But if it happens, no, and that's like, you know, for a comic, okay, I come to see, this really happened to me, Eddie. This really happened to me. Some guy used to give me a lot of work.

Cool motherfucker. I still talked to him. This is back in Denver, 25, fucking 23 years ago. This guy used to give me work. And one night he called me up, and this guy was a Mexican dude that's like John Gigolo he's always got a bitch of him that's pregnant this guy got kids all over Denver right

he's shooting the Mexican sperm all over he's got because he's always going to be that comedian so these chicks come in they fall in love with him then they realize you know he's fucked up but he's a great guy he got me a gig one night and before I got on stage I go what do you want to do he knew probably worked on him every day you know what your students could do you see him every day

he goes do 15 you know and this is 1995 I've been doing comedy four years I was struggling

to do 15 16 I would struggle Eddie this motherfucker went outside and fuck some chick he was supposed to give me a lot

at 12 but he went out and started fucking some chick I just kept going Eddie I just kept going and I just kept going

and I had him and he came back in and he went he gave me the light and then when I got off he goes wait right there he goes dog I'm sorry this chick we were fucking you end up doing 38 minutes I couldn't sleep that night because I never dreamt of doing 38 minutes but I did it do you know what I'm saying if you would have came to me and said Joey I'm gonna buy and do 20 I would have choked I would have straight up choked but since there was no clock in my mind yeah that's when I knew what you know I'm sorry, a little, I went home that night, and I almost called CAA. I ain't going to lie to you, motherfucker.

I ain't going to lie to nobody. I almost called fucking CBS and said, fired Dave Letterman. I did 38 minutes at some fucking hellhole last night in Denver. I swear to God. You're walking so high. It's such a big accomplishment. It's such a big accomplishment. Those little things are the ones that keep you in the game.

Okay, I did 38. I'll do it again. Then for a year, you bombed. you can't do 30 you just bomb but eventually if you just stick it out dog you're gonna make you know it was it's a nightmare but it's so much fun

you know what I'm saying like it's a nightmare would you do it again Eddie do what again start this whole thing again like right like most people I wouldn't change my life for a second would you go through this again fuck yeah every

you know what at this point you know what man every day I learned something from comedy I really fucking did It turned my life around. I can't believe it. 20 years ago, if you had told me, listen, comedy's going to turn your life around.

It's going to make you stop doing blow. It's going to make you stop doing a lot of things. I'm going to go, you're fucking crazy. You're crazy. I'm not going to love something that much. I didn't even love my freedom that much. You know what I'm saying? One time in my life, I didn't even love my freedom that much.

How am I going to love comedy that much? Last night I fell in love with comedy again. You know how sometimes you get fucked up? You get disgruntled for two weeks or something? I was disgruntled for two weeks. Like I'm tired. With comedy? Yeah.

Why? You get stopped, dog. You go into slumps. You go into joke writing slums. And everything you try is kind of shitty. And then one day everything falls back to the thing is not to stop. When a baseball player gets in a hitting slump, they don't bench them. In fact, they send them to the bat even more.

Because they know eventually the slums will go away. And this motherfucker is going to start blasting home runs. and the only way to do it is by getting this confidence back. So the last two weeks, every time I've gone to do comedy, I have to force myself to do comedy. But I know the jokes are coming. You know what I'm saying? You know it's right there.

It's just a matter of all putting them all together. I said something last night. I said something Tuesday. And then I flappers with Lee. Every night I said something, I just did them. I went back home and wrote it down. So the spider web is there. You know what I'm saying?

The net is there. It's ready to start catching. shit. Like a motherfucker. Lou, you ready for another star? Pilot the bombardier. Look at you. It's Sunday night. It's 420 week and shit. People are going to fucking bananas. We're going to eat like 15 fucking stars Wednesday night.

That'll be fun. I don't think I need any more right now. What's going on Wednesday? Louis J. Gomez is going to be on the show? No, Wednesday is 429. That's when all these fucking Gentiles jump up and down, the weed stores. Tell you, don't give you an ounce a weed for free, but they cut it. with a three quarters of an ounce of Saskoanel wheel. And you go home going,

oh, I got another to weed for free, and they make people stand out there, and they give you rolling papers. You know what, it's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun if that's what you want to do. Because you go to like three or four different stores, man. So if you buy an ounce right around the corner, they'll give you an ounce of free,

and it says even PR. So, yeah, so it's a 400 for an ounce, usually. So you get 200 that for an ounce. It's pretty good. I don't know how, like, how many grams. in an ounce, but... 28. Oh, wow, yeah, that's really good then.

Because it's like 20 a gram. You seem to know a lot about weed, but yet you don't know how many grams are in an ounce? You know all this other intricate shit? I never once bought it illegally. I just, like, I did it a couple times before starting this, and then now it's all just been, like,

at the store. The most weed I've ever bought is an eighth. That's all. I don't even know what that means. Eighth of an ounce. I still remember buying. Half grams of Coke My sophomore year You just know what it costs

That's it Well you guys were talking about being Like young Having sex at 13 I was the kid In my mom's movie And going to Bar Mitzvah Tudoring

And then going to have my brother That's cool I didn't have Listen How old are you when you got Diverginized Like 20 Oh really?

I didn't I didn't Mexicans have sex early Dude We don't have We don't have none of us to do We don't have fucking Games and shit

white people play. We had to fuck. I did kinky shit young. I didn't have sex until later on. You know what I'm saying? Like I fingered people and sucked tities and shit like that. But I didn't have sex till maybe 17, 16, 18,

around there, for sure. That's where... I was 13. I did creepy things, though. I ain't going to lie nobody. 13, that's really... It's interesting. I went to Joe... Mexican's have kids at the kids.

13. So that's normal. Juan Soto, a kid in my grammar school, knocked up a check in the 8th grade. Fuck, I'll never forget. I'm my life, Juan Soto. He just disappeared one day. He knocked her up. We walked him home and then we came back to the school. We were responsible, man. It was all about that.

You had to get that job. You had to get a job. Like in the 8th grade, freshman year, you had to get a job. And you imagine what your job. Yeah, you got to get a job. In those days, you get a good union job. But at the time you're fucking 20, you're making real money. You know, you're a mechanic or something.

You're making real fucking money. Yeah, but how do you get, like, drop anisble of 14, Jesus. For years, generations did it, man. All those fucking immigrants that came home. What do you think that, you know, the family needs to need money? What are you going to do? Family's not around, you know? You fucking figure out.

My block was a bunch of Mexican ladies whose husbands left them and their kids. So everybody, everybody had their mom, and then their boyfriend, their mom's new boyfriend. And as the kids, we'd make fun of everybody's mom's new boyfriend because it'd be like different boyfriends every now and then. But there was only one family where the mother and father stayed together. Socorro and Mac, they stayed together. Everyone else, one by one.

They all left all the dads eventually left, left the kids and single moms. A bunch of poor Mexican single moms. I don't know about my New York City neighborhood, but I know that my Jersey neighborhood, all those people were married. there weren't no crazy people they were white people they weren't no crazy people they were all together yeah yeah the witnesses were together

yep it was weird in my town when people got divorced like there were people who did it but it wasn't it wasn't the majority at all it was like less than 10% where did you grow up out of Boston a lot of white people yeah all not all

white people stay together there's like one family Mexicans don't no white people stay together but they fuck each other is wise and they get all creepy and shit. They start banging. It's normal for Latin men to have several

families and kids everywhere. My dad had 19 kids from eight different chicks. So it's like, that's not that crazy. That's like an infamnia. That's like an infamnia. You got to shoot a motherfucker like your father. Are you fucking crazy? 19 kids. You know the damage you left on this

fucking country cock sucker? We should just show. How is one of his illegitimate bastards on the side? I sit there sometimes in the living room. And I look at Mercy. I look at my wife. I'm watching TV. I got to do a podcast.

And I got to go on the road. And I like to work out. I like to write. I couldn't imagine, hey. I couldn't fucking imagine having another family someone. I grew up with a kid who had another family going on. Before the internet, you could pull it off. You can't pull that.

sit off tomorrow with Facebook and shit. No, well, somebody has to know. To pull that off, somebody has to know. You can't have the internet and do that. No, no, no, you don't understand what I'm saying to you. One of those women has to know. Yes. One of them has to be completely cool.

She knows from day one. You've got a family in Jersey. You love them. You love the wife. She just wants a kid and she loves you, so she's going to figure out of the way how they have a kid. You want to raise this kid? You want to come over once on Sundays and be with the kids or sleep over on Thursday,

you're more than welcome. I think Tony Hintcliffe had talked to what his mom did. Was that for like someone in the mafia? That's crazy. I couldn't even imagine. Like I can't imagine how much work goes into it. Like I can't, I sit there sometimes and go,

oh, it would be nice to have a fucking 23-year-old on the side to let you light a fucking asshole on fire. You know what I'm saying? Once a night, once a week, you go over there, you give a little rent money and shit. Let's think of it how to push. You know what I'm saying? I think that would be horrible.

And it's, it's, I just couldn't, I sit there and I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I, even if I wanted to juggle it. It would be too stressful. It'd be just stressful. There's no way to pull it off. I can't pull it off. I can't pull it off. Why do you keep saying, so you could do anything the fuck you want to, you could do whatever you want in today's world. No.

You just got to be fucking, listen, let's pretend that wasn't a comic. Let's pretend that was something completely different than a comic. You think I'd be banging around on fucking. Twitter from banging some chick taking pictures on Instagram and shit like that. First of all, after three months a dick, you'd tell him, shit, listen, put the camera away. You could be

like the fucking owner of the fucking, what's his name? The owner, the old man owner, the fucking whatever team, the Sterling? Sterling. You know, it's just, you keep saying the internet. Well, before the internet, it was easy to have several relationships. It was easy.

But you could still do it. There's a motherfuck you could still do it. It's just too stressful. First off, listen, to have two wives, you've got to have one thing. You've got to have one thing that's fucking huge and that's cash. Yeah. To keep everybody in place. Yeah. You got to have a lot of them.

Everybody in place and everybody's separated from one another. You know exactly. One's going to Macy's and one's going to Beverly Hills. You've got to have a lot of fucking cash. Yeah. That's the only way you're going to buy peace of mind. Yes. Is with cash.

That's the only way you can sum up to that. Like, if you look at a bitch and go, here it is. Listen, you knew from the beginning. I'm married. I got three kids. I got twins. I love them. You're just a fucking cum quad.

You understand me? You're just a cum quad. I love you. Whatever. I'll pay your rent. You know, when you have that type of money, when you have your account and go listen, mail over a check for 15,000 a month.

You know, the last dude was giving the $2,000. And she was, she got VD and all this shit. I'm giving the 15 G's large. Shut the fuck up. Every time I come over, I want a steak, I want a louse and tail. I want you with a robe and ready to fuck. fucking burn.

I don't want to hear nothing. You better make sure you don't get your period that night because it's over. You've got to go to the hospital and get that taken out. It's all over. Like something crazy like that, that's the only way it would work. Not the fucking, oh, my God, I got ulcers just thinking about it. I get osses just thinking about it. Because if you lift your phone around or something, like, that would be, it's too easy.

Yeah, but that's the whole thing. You've got to be ahead of the fuck. The one that knows knows. She's got to sound like smoking. signals or a pigeon. You know what I'm saying? You don't even get my digits. You understand me?

You want me? You're like fucking Pablo Escobar. You're sending pigeons. When I see the pigeon, I'll come over. You see the pigeon with a picture of your pussy on fire, and I'll shoot right over and shit. That'd be for players, that could actually be a good idea. You start raising pigeons.

Just pretend like you love pigeons. The problem with people, is that they leave loopholes. That's it. They just leave loopholes, little loopholes. The only loophole is that she's got to know and that there ain't no lupos. Listen, you're never going to call me.

You can't come to my shows. I don't want you doing jiu-jitsu. I don't even want you doing ballet. I don't want you playing tennis. You know what I'm saying? I don't want you eating asa. I eat nothing. Yeah, but how are you going to enforce that?

That's the thing. Money. Cash. You need cash. That's what he said. That's what I'm saying. You have to be able to say shit like that. Those have to be the rules.

And the only way you're going to pull that off is you throw some serious cash. Christmas, I'm going to give you $10,000. To shut the fuck up. To shut the fuck up. Go to the Bahamas, suck 22 dicks. Just don't bring back nothing. I don't want to get one call over the holidays. I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. You can't call my house. Merry Christmas, suck my dick. I don't give a fuck. I don't want to hear from you over the holidays. Don't call until January 40. I'll be all for the orange bow. You know what I'm saying?

Make sure you got those wings on the Lee likes. It sucks for people without money. What woman wants to be alone during the island? Why do you think guys are trying to be rich all the time? Just to get a mistress? I was thinking about this. A lot of dough, this is the move. You get like one of those islands.

And he's just kidding that way. and just go around with a van. Kidnap him, get like 10 of them flying out the island. And just make them run around naked and shit and live off the island. You just jump out your helicopter and hunt them and shit. If you're going to do it, do it, do it. You know what I'm saying? Why sit on the couch?

How often is there a hunt? Do you like you do every day? When I have my agri-ship. Probably every day. Lee? At least maybe. Two, three times a day on weekends. You're at home snorting, Viagra and oxygen.

You understand me. You're showing up your dick is purple. You're showing up your dick is purple. They see your dick and they faint. It's like the scene of Beatles. For the first time, it's Shay Stadium and shit. Women are fainting and shit. What?

What? What? What do you do? Your dick's going to need a deep tissue. Can I imagine? I just, I, Lee, I sit there sometimes, not because I want to do it. Just I go, wow. how could somebody do this?

I can't even walk out of the house at 6.30. I wouldn't even know what to do or where to go. What about just the massage parlors? That seems like that because they never call you. Who? Like the hand job places. Are you fucking crazy? I'm a 53-year-old man.

They're disgusting. What makes you think I want some fucking Asian chick with a missing fucking tooth? Gross. Give me a hand job in North Hollywood. And, dog, you go in there. Listen, Red Man knows all about that. You go to a webpage and they'll tell you. who sucks your dick he's told her they'll tell you who rubs you down who takes anal who does all that

shit listen man there's a thousand one fucking diseases out there and you want to take a chance i can see if you're 42 and you know you're fucked up and you don't have a girlfriend and nobody to go home to desperate measures but you got a wife at home you go to a fucking massage parlor to get a hand job how many dicks you think they rubbed that day do you think they even have fucking liceol or hand wipes of those fucking places. They're just gross to begin with. They're just their hands. They're never hot.

They're never good looking. I just, I don't know. It scared me when I was 16. It scared me when I was 16. I saw VD, live and in color. My buddy got VD, and I had to go with him to the clinic. And there was a guy or a chick with foam coming out of a fucking mouth, like scabs and shit. Once you see it, and actually, you're like, you know what?

I can't get my dick sucked on the corner no more. it's over that chick ain't I'm sucking my dick Any other questions Lee Yes actually No because We covered massage partners And money

Pan pan mistresses What's nice Okay this is actually a duttu one So I only got to see a couple of fights yesterday But the one I did see was Dairouche And they kept saying He was like a jiu jit two Blackwell he was great

And he lost And he gave up his back and got choked. And when I went to see Joey yesterday, I said I was going to say, like, how does that happen? But then I was thinking about it, and the cool thing about Jiu-Jitsu, I guess, is that anyone that can't happen

often, it happens, like, more often than I think it happens in a lot of other sports. So, like, what is it like as, because you've probably been on both sides of it, as someone who's been the underdog and overtaken, and then been the, like, the person who's supposed to win

and then loses. It happens. Well, there's, It's like a sword fight, like Game of Thrones, right? They're both decent at the sword fighting. Maybe they're black belt at sword fighting. One wrong move in anybody could slice each other's head off. One wrong move, right? They're both good.

Even if one is a purple belt swordsman, that's still a motherfucking sword. It's still a finishing weapon. So I get caught by my fucking purple belts. If I'm not on high alert at all times, I get caught. I get caught legitimately. One wrong move, boom. Like once a week, a Purple Bell gets me. My guys are fucking vicious, and anybody could get caught.

Speaking of EBI, which is coming up again, the last EBI we had Javier Vasquez on him, and he ended up losing. But he's like a monster legend in the sport. so hobby vasquez yeah but all the guys in eBI really good but they all have swords but that's a but it's that's a point i think yeah they all have swords one wrong move you know a guy that's been training seven years could take out a guy that's been training 15 years easily

one one zig when you should have zag boom boom and that's fucking that's a rap that's a sword man one to the pop-pup you gotta have your shit perfect to not get caught. And you could pull that off too. Of course, anything that happened. You could jack the guy. He could jack you quick.

It could be a long war. Stalmate. Positional battle. And then it's kind of cool that you're the first jiu-jitsu tournament getting bought by the UFC. Because the fight pass has been making deals with a bunch of other organizations. And it's really cool that you've made a way to make it entertaining. And so anything can happen.

So far so good, man This show could be a disaster It could suck I mean You know I'm hoping for the best But You know

After we made the first EBI I was I would have been totally cool Just ending it right there I'm like we got one motherfucking show We did a show And we did record it

We got the tape Like we have the tape Let me see the tape We did it We have one show I would have been cool With one show Because I knew it would have

Just based on the reviews And the instum You know After EBI I won most comments, most people coming up to me with like, that was the most exciting jiu-jitsu event I've ever seen. That was normal. And I thought, wow, fuck, if we don't do another show, if this is it,

oh, I'm good with it. It was a success. We could walk away right now. And then we did another one. And then, damn, again, another success. I'm like, shit. I could end it, you know, we could just have, remember those EBI shows that was one and two? And then that's it, you know?

We did it. It's over. We did it. Nothing you could do to take it that away. We did it. I'm good with it. And then the next show is, we'll do a third one. You know, be cool if it, you know, got crazy and maybe got on, I don't know, HBO or some shit or Fox bought it.

Fuck, that would be nuts. Let's try it out. Let's see if we could do that shit. We're getting good reviews. Fuck it. Let's do it. I never want to be a fucking promoter for an event. I'm there's a lot of a lot of a lot of uh a lot of a lot of it that I don't like you know I don't like

constantly trying to um sell it you know I'd like talking about it but fuck it's let's just watch it and and enjoy it and not really I wish I didn't have to talk about it so much to tell you the truth you know what I mean I'm not like a fight promoter I'm not like a Dana White Dana White is the fucking master's the coral belt of fight promoters I never wanted to do this shit. I'm very passionate about it, and I'm doing everything I can to make it entertaining. I'm doing everything I fucking can. But I just want, I just want, it's a good product, man.

It's different. It's a good product. You're having fun. You can tell when you go down there, you know, the thing that always fucks with me constantly is that my buddy is like a significant Brazilian jiu-tizu guy across the country. Like how fucking crazy is that? You go to Maine and do a seminar. Like, you're well known.

You're like Chuck Norris in 1974. That's hysterical. That's hilarious. I'm a pussy Mexican, poor Mexican kid who wanted to be a rock star. You know what I mean? Look at the time. You're a different type of rock star. It's so weird how right now you're Chuck Norris, 1972.

Return of the Dragon had just come out Bruce Lee killed them but he didn't do that bad you know what I'm saying You got some sick Come on that People knew who you were Like even though Bruce Lee was the main man

Any problems right there On their heels You're like Billy Jack You know Billy Jack is the Indian You know what Billy Jack is done? No I'm Billy Jack This is the guy who's after Ralphie Mae He's a cowboy that does karate

An Indian Yeah But he's a real. I'm a American But he's a white guy, but he claims he's Indian. And so he's all proud of that, but he looks like a white dude. And he's probably like one 16th Indian or something. And he does fucking karate. And he's got that roundhouse kid.

What are they called? Billy Jack. He invented the roundhouse, right? He's the movies you got to watch with Paula. Willard, Ben, with the rats. I told you to bring that home that you'll blow her fucking mind. They all. Look at Billy Jack and shit.

Okay. Billy Jack, keep going, keep going, keep going down, keep going. No, no, you're fucked up. See, you fucked up. Right there. Billy Jack, right foot,

Wapsed Posner's face. You know what? I bet Photoshop, Steve puts my face right in that Billy Jack picture. Forget about it. It's over. Check this out, Lisa. This is the real deal.

Lee, I'm introducing you to the fucking, you know, look at Billy Jack. This is like the American Bruce Lee. This was right around the time Bruce Lee died or was about to die. they threw this guy at us. I went to see this in the movie theater. That's high-deaf.

I'm one of these fucking momos. How come the quality that seems so good? Because they fixed all these. All these are HD classic clips. Our friend that gave us this TV. He's in jail right now.

He does that where they take all these old movies and they redo them so you can watch them now and they resell them. This is that high-definite. What's it called? 4-K.

Is this 4K? Is this 4K? This is a 4K? Well, this is it? TV's 4k, I don't know if the... Yeah, this is 4K TV. It looks really good. Look at this fucking... It looks brand new. I'm like, is this a parrot?

Where do you take his shoes off? Where do the fuck do you take his shoes off? Biggie. So special, so above the law. You think you can do just as you plead. I told you you'd make a mistake and I'd be waiting. Watch his feet. He can do anything he wants with his feet.

Do you think those green beret karate tricks gonna help you against all these boys? Well, it doesn't look to me like I really. have any choice now it doesn't that's right it looks like cowboy saron right just for the hell of it tell me i'm gonna take this right foot and whoop you on that side of your face and you want to know something there's not a damn thing you're gonna be able to do about it really really there you go lees Tim slapped him with his foot. Here you go, Lee.

Now he caught, he starts busting him. Son of a bitch. There you go. Look at him. Look at him, Lee. This is the real deal. Right here, Lee. Look at him.

Look at him. Climbing into trees like an Indian getting his bow and arrow. It's over. Damn, I got to take another piss. Jesus Christ. You got to check out your thyroid, though. Something's wrong with your asshole.

I'm sorry. You're killing me. You're killing me. What is. Huh? I swear the last one. You're not supposed to be drinking that wicked shit. I know.

This is the last one. I'm sorry. Discussed your fucking. Your estamin te juice, you know what I'm saying? Let me do some fucking whatever's real quick, while he's in the bathroom. No, no, you gotta get fixed up. First off here, I'm gonna give a shout out.

To my main man, Matt Baker, over at Baker's Field, B.J.J. came up and helped me today. I loved him. He taught me some great stuff. My man, Kyle Ward, Don Wrangler, Bobby Sherman and Christal down there in fucking Austin, young Chipotle, Albert Arilano, Becky Dominguez, Ryan Russell, and Jay Bichero. I'm coming to Pittsburgh Cocksucker.

What's up with you, Lysai? Look at the eyeballs. They're on fire. This weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Buffalo, New York, motherfuckers. The following week, Indianapolis, May, I'm in Sacramento and my main man, Pittsburgh. Who you think you're dealing with? Dun, tan, tan, tant, tan. Let's take another hit of death here, Lee.

What do you think? You want to take three hits or another start? You want to take it for the murky waters? I'm deep in the murky waters. I'm cool. Did you bring any wings home from that place? What did you bring home? Nothing.

Nothing survived, huh? Nothing. It was delicious. What did Paul eat? She had a cheeseburger with blue cheese and bacon. It's the same thing as stout. Unbelievable. And why not go to stop? Because this place was...

Yeah, because you're a fucking Mammon. That's why. Because on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday you lose your nuts. Yeah, let's go there. Let's go all the way over there and get your cheeseburger, which can get you around the corner.

And it's the best one in the world. I was in a... Unbelievable. You just lose it on Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You're going, yell... Some fucking Maimon tells you a chees-Ber.

I know a moan. I'm talking about it. I taste it. I eat poison people. I love it. I love Sunday nights. You got nothing to do. This is what it's all about sometimes doing a podcast on Sundays. You guys get it on Monday mornings. A little tut-s-l-l-l-lut-st-out. You're ready to go and shit. You know what I'm saying?

It's a new week, motherfuckers. It's tax week, bitches. This is it, motherfucker. You got to pay your taxes. They throw bitches in jail for that. I didn't pay my taxes for 13 years. I don't know what happened. The computer was. and kaput. I just went down and turned myself in. They put me on an easy payment plan.

I never missed the Vig. And here we are today with no fucking military time. You understand me? Next thing you know, you're in a sound next to the blade. What's his name? Who the fuck? Where's the fuck? Wesley Snipes. Look at me,

and all fucking gum and shit like that. So that's good. I'm happy. And where's it going to stream EBI? Well, you can watch it on UFC Fight Pass. It's also going to be available on DISH Network pay-per-view and in-demand pay-per-view and online pay-per-view. If you don't have UFC5Pass, you can go to Fight TV, F-I-T-E dot TV. The UFC made all that happen. I mean, once we signed with UFC Fight Pass, they are the ones that decided to take it to, like, their pay-per-view network as well, which,

no other show on Fight Pass, no other like fight show. There's a bunch of MMA shows on there, but we're the only grappling show, and they decided to, you know, really push it. And man, it's fucking crazy. And there's commercials for it and shit. Like, while you watch UFC on Fox, they're showing a commercial for ABI.

I mean, that's pretty nuts. Deep done inside, I'm very proud of you. Because I was thinking about it. I'm like, I know I'm from the fucking strip club. From the fucking strip club. Strip club. And now you have a fucking bonus. unified, you know,

Jiu-Jitsu fucking Emporium of death. I'm surrounded by wonderful people. My association is just, there's no way I could have, I mean, I haven't competed enough to really do, you know, to really leave that

much of, you know, a competitive legacy or whatever. I didn't compete that much. But my guys, I got a whole legion of warriors out there. laying it on the line and, you know, dedicating their lives to competing,

like Gio Martinez, Ritchie Martinez, Danny Procopos, all these guys are Nathan Orchard. These guys are on the front line, laying it down, you know, and without them,

you know, I'm nothing. So, you know, what I try to focus on is building a team where we all work together and we all pull our own weight

and we all make a difference. And when anybody does something spectacular, everyone benefits. We're all, you know, if someone in 10th Planet Phoenix does something big, 10th Planet Rochester, they all feel it. You know, I like involving everybody and focusing on the team aspect. And not like me, just means everyone's involved. And I'm doing what I can with what I have to propel all of us. But I can't do it alone.

I need, like, you know, I need fucking warriors and barbarians, you know, to go out there on the front line and, and, you know, take some heads off. And it's fucking fun, man. It's the funest craziest shit ever. I'm really, I live my life building soldiers and an army and, you know, mastering the system is the way I get all my strategies and techniques. and everything we're putting it together. That's how we keep everybody on the same page. Mastering the system's huge. And it's so much fun.

God damn it. You know what I... When I'm teaching, I'm always looking at the clock because I'm hoping that there's more time to teach. I'm never looking over. Like, you know what? You're on stage and you're on fire.

You want to fuck another hour. You know what I mean? You know, you get that feeling like, you don't want that fucking light. Like, fuck the light. you know, give me another 10. You know what I mean? When you're on fire,

that's how I feel every night. Every night, I'm like, fuck, I could go another hour, but you know what? They're going to spar, and they're fucking probably pissed off. I go, we could keep drilling. I love it every night, so it's a beautiful thing. I can't fucking believe I'm living this life.

You know, it's pretty crazy. And the proof isn't the pudding, man. I see pictures on Facebook from 10 different fucking cities, you know, and more and more enthusiasm. and hey, this is what, this is, this is, this all started with a fucking little dream and a little bit of belief in what you had to say, you know, the Beatles were good, but Soundgarden thought they could do it better. You know what I'm saying? That's what happens. That's all that happens. Soundgarden was good, but, uh, well, it doesn't matter. I like the Allison chains. No, no, no, I'm just a little better. I'm just saying, no, I'm just saying that, listen, man, Elvis did it. But, but. somebody, you know, the guy from the straight cats thought he could do it a little better.

You know, you know, to become a comedian, you got to watch somebody on TV and go, I could do that. This guy ain't doing dick. Meanwhile, the guy's won two Grammys. He's got 10 HBO special on the back of your mind. You're like, this guy ain't doing dick. I could do what the fuck he's doing. And you write three minutes and you go down on an open mic and you eat dick, Doug.

And you got to make a crucial decision. Whether I'm going to go on with it or I'm not. And I never understood why quit? Like, why? You know what I'm saying? Like, I loved it from the very, from the very beginning, it fucking alerted me. Like, it just lifted my fucking head.

Like, I still remember that night getting off stage and sitting around to talk to the headliner. His name was Matt Woods. How's that for you? I still remember who the headliner was. None of you guys ever heard of Matt. Look at the shape of the league. You can't even focus his eyeballs.

none of you guys ever heard of Matt Wood but to me he was the biggest guy ever on stage that night and then he gave me good advice after that and I still remember driving back to Boulder from Denver going what the fuck just happened to my central nervous system like it just fucking blacked out like it just sizzled and this time I think about that night once a week when I come home and I leave the comedy storm

I'm driving on a Laurel Canyon that's what I think about. Still remember coming home, July 19th, 1991, fucking July 8th, June 18th. And I was, it must have been 10 o'clock at night. I thought my head was going to explode. I couldn't feel my fingers and shit. And I had to go right back

from being a roof of the next day and shit. I was like, this is terrible. I got to figure out how to do this shit full time. Well, I know you probably don't remember because it was such a blippin, just a tiny little speck and blippin' life. But there was a time where Joe took me under his wing and he wanted me to go on stage and do some open mic nights. And I did it nine times.

And I came to the conclusion right there that I'm like, man, to be good at this, it's just like Jiu-Jitsu. You got to put a lot of fucking time. It's a lot of time. So I knew it right there. I knew if I was going to do this, I was going to have to spend a lot of time. and at that point it was already

you know it was already jujitsu and music now I want to add comedy and I told Joe I'm like I would have to spend too much time

to get good at this I don't have that time and I can't do it I thought you could I thought comedians just go up and just talk some shit once I realize

how much work there is that I realized that I didn't have time for it well listen that applies to a diet that applies to that applies to 22,000 things. That applies to anything.

People wake up one morning and go, you know what, I think I want to do this. And they go down there, they take such an emotional beating that they can't go back. Yeah. Or they realize what you realize. See, with me, it took me three years.

It took me three years to finally, it came to me one night. that this is going to be fucking work, bro. This shit I've been doing, it ain't going to cut it. This shit I've been doing this little game I've been playing with myself. This has been good. It's a learning experience, but it ain't going to work out for me. And right there, I dove into it.

You know, like I dove into it the whole lifestyle. Like, that was it. Hookline and fucking sinker. Drugs, drinking, writing jokes, and going out the next night, whatever you could do, you know? So that's the problem with most. people and it's just not jujitsu or stand-up or

it could be playing the guitar listen I played the bass bro I tried it I went to like three or four months of lessons it just wasn't for me I was thinking about I'm writing something right now and I was thinking about my freshman year and basketball that's all I wanted to do

was start freshman year all I was doing my seventh and eighth grade year yeah I was playing basketball well I was getting ready for freshman year I knew who was playing and all the other schools. I knew who was going to go to North Bergen. If you did it mathematically,

there was no way I couldn't start, Eddie. Mathematically, there was no way I couldn't start. I was that good against who I was going up against. I could jump better than them. I could rebound better than them. I could shoot better than them. When I got the freshman year, Eddie, I didn't even play.

I didn't even play. I think I played like maybe four games, five games. it destroyed me. It destroyed who I was because I had put so much effort into this. And on the playgrounds, I would sizzle motherfuckers. Their starting team

and school practices, they couldn't stop me at the game in practice. But he continued to fucking, he didn't like me. Years later, he admitted. He wouldn't, he goes, I fucking did not.

He goes, the only reason why I put him on the team was because I knew I get too much pressure. But he wasn't going to start. He wasn't going to play. He didn't like me just from the general, but I took it a different way. I beat myself and I quit. Until this day, I feel bad about that. Even though I didn't, I wasn't no six for four, what the fuck was I going to do?

Once you get to the pros, those fucking black dudes will kill you. You know what I'm saying? You're going to show a 5 foot 11. Black dudes are bitch-like me. I went through the same goddamn thing too. Yeah, so you know, you go through the failures and you accept them. But every day I get pissed about basketball, especially during NCAA basketball, Like March, if I'm in a bad mood, it's because of basketball.

Because 30 fucking years later, I'm still pissed off. But I quit. I didn't go about sophomore year. So by quitting that, that shit made me stronger. Like, that shit made me fucking stronger. Like, I couldn't quit fucking comedy. There was no way. Just because of what I learned with basketball, there was no way.

You don't want to feel that. Fuck no. Fuck no. And this shit I did from day one. You know, I was a chef. fucking one of those restaurant Denny's, one of those places, in the 80s, I applied

and there. I wanted to be a bartender, like, no, you got to be a cook. I went to now learn the menu. I went there for two minutes. They told me to put those potato skins in the microwave. When I seen those things, bro, I can't give those to human consumption. I ran the fuck out of it. I couldn't be one of those people. But I knew these things going in, day one.

When I got a job building scaffold, the dude told me the first day, you scared of heights? Me? Fuck no. I can fly a fucking helicopter. dog you ever hang a scaffold no I've never hung the scaffold you have no idea my friend once you get to the third floor

I don't fuck with that shit once you get to the third floor of hanging a scaffold July of 1983 I got a job hanging a scaffold right off the bat for $15 an hour I did the math I figured out how many weeks I was going to work before I quit you know what I'm saying

I went home 15 an hour I got a raise after a month to 18 I'll put away this money, I'll do this, I do this, I'll do that. I already had a plan. I was going to work for a year and go back to school. Dog, I quit the third hour. The third fucking hour. When they told me to climb up to the top and they were going to hand me scaffold, and I would have to put it into the hinges and climb up and wait for the guy to give it to me

again and hang it. Fuck you. What do you say? I said, hold on, I got to go to the bathroom. they're like oh it's behind there I never came back and then I showed up a week later but got a job on the same construction site only drilling now this is after I robbed that construction site

of course why not my butt how I knew that construction site because my buddy took me up there when they were in the beginning and they had already built the condo so the condo already had furniture in it so they could show it to future investors I went over there when I'm one day

that night I told his brother listen they got towels they got everything up there we're sitting here with one fucking towel like a half a fat couple let's go up there and rob that fucking play we went up there with a wheelbar withy bravo pillows or couch table

fucking the whole betting we had no betting we took everything every fucking thing and then I went up there and I got the job as a scaffold dude and then I quit after two hours and then I came back a week later and got a job and putting in railroad ties.

You have no idea. You've got to get to drill and drill them and then pick them up and drill again and hit them with a fucking sledgehammer until the fucking Dracula thing goes through. I did that for about four days until I got a paycheck. Then I fucking quit that

and I became an asphalt guy. This is all in like three weeks. I worked at TVS. All right. I became an asphalt guy. And then I was Snowden Cougat, one of the asphalt guys. borrowed $250 from him. And he goes, all right, I'll just take it out of you.

He checked them out. He gave me the $250 and they gave me the check. And he goes, I'll see you tomorrow. The next day I went to the job they weren't there. That Monday, I went back to the job. They weren't there. I called the office. The company went out of business and went back to New York City. Fucking crazy shit was happening to me like that.

Like, just crazy construction shit. Then I got a job fucking laying brick. And that was good. I did that for about three months until the guy fucking laid me off. for the winter. That job was cool. That was easy, but that shit you worked, Lee Syatt.

I was a fucking mule those days Lee Syed. You understand me? What you fucking think you're dealing with this shit? When I was 15, all my friends were just long-haired Mexicans speed metal loving Satanic lyric writing.

And we got a job at a Mexican swap meet which is a drive-in theater at night. You know the drive-ins? You used to have swap meets. That's what he went to the movie. Flea markets. Right?

You know what I'm talking about? That's where he went to the movie. And the driving? It was great, yeah. And during the day, they have swap meets there. And the snack bar for the drive-in is actually the snack bar for the swap meet, too. So there's all these stands at like a flea market. Then you go to the snack bar and buy shit.

So it was very hard for us to get jobs. We're all long-haired, but we had a connection at the drive-in. And we all got. We got hired. We're 16 years old. And they didn't know what to do with this. They knew they couldn't make us in charge of, put us in charge of any food. So what are we going to do with these long hair dudes? They felt sorry for us. So they met us tie up our hair. And they decided that we were going to be in charge of taking care of the Coke stands that were throughout the flea market. That was Coke stands. And that'd be a person working selling coax. And we would supply them with ice. We would take the breaks for them. We were four dudes just walked around the swap meet. covering for these Coke stands. So the scam was, is they counted everything by cups. Like when a person would be in charge of a stand, they take a bunch of cups, and that's how they figured out the inventory.

We would take cups from the snack bar where we would fill trash cans with ice to keep them stocked with ice, all day stocked with ice, stocked with Coke canisters. We would break into the storeroom by the ice, take cups, put it in the trash canes, and and then fill it with ice, and then we would wheel the ice, the trash can filled with the ice. They had cups underneath to a stand, and we'd say, take your break and take your time. So they would be gone and they would take their hour lunch. And me and my boy, we would just be selling the Coke, like our Cokes, like our cups. And then it would be like 90 degrees in the swap made a line of Cokes.

We're just selling them all. That's how we made our money. And then when they'd come back from their lunch, you'd go, it wasn't too busy. We didn't really sell that much. You didn't even say 10 cups to the people? A little bit. We sold them a little bit. A little bit.

We sold 10 cubs, really. We sold 50. That's how we bought our equipment. That's how I bought my drums, scams like that. That's how I bought all my music equipment, PA systems and shit. It's fucking crazy this shit we did growing up. I didn't have any money. No.

We were broke as fuck. Listen, man, at least you didn't have any money. I had money and I did that type of shit growing up. That's where the real shame is. I feel like Tommy from the comedy store, you know what I'm saying? You're robbing from the comedy store. Meanwhile, you get a trust fund in the fucking mail. What the fuck any shit is that?

That's not fair. You know, when I was, when my mom was alive and I was doing stupid shit, I was doing it out of being a dumb fuck. Like, there was no need for me to act like that. You know what I'm saying? Like, whether it was, at that time, we used to go down to the railroad tracks and take motorcycles and take punks and light them on and sell them door to door.

I didn't need to do that, but I liked to do that. but I like the financial independence. You know what I'm saying? I like to make $10 that she didn't know I had. I always dug that. There was something about that. Yeah, she gave me 20 and she thinks I got 40 in that box, but I really got 40 in that box,

but I got 80 under the bed from the scam I did. You follow me? And I can hide my scam, and she'll keep giving me fucking 20s. Those 80s are going. That was my thinking at that early age. You know what I'm saying? Like I was one of those creepy motherfuckers.

Who the fuck knows? why any problem we all made kids man we were kids we didn't have shit we had that's what we did that to survive man we didn't have anyone I was 15 years old you know it's so funny my wife came home the other day and she said that

she went to look at this house and that she was talking to this lady and then she goes it was the weirdest thing the lady started talking about a kid the kid six and that the kid speaks three languages and that the kid's gifted and I go you know what man the kid's gifted but 20 years from that, girls only be retarded

because she was gifted. They kept telling her that she was gifted. That's what that football player said. Remember two years ago, when he made them give the trophies back? He said, that's the fucking problem. These people were fucking gifted, you know? You know what, man?

You know who was gifted? I was. I think about it now. I look at my daughter and what she's doing, and I look at what I was doing at my daughter. At my daughter's age, I really knew two languages, and my father was dead.

my father stopped coming home after the fucking week after I turned three. Do you understand? I'm trying to say that's gifted and shit like that. Because I could handle it. My mom said every time a door would open, I would fucking look at the door to see if my dad came in. That's fucked up. I don't even know what I'm telling you this. I'd have dreams that when my dad, my dad was gone for my life from 14 to 27,

and then he showed up when I was 27. I didn't see them since I was 14. and uh uh between that time between 14 and 27 I didn't know if he was alive never heard from him he just disappeared and he told me he was going to at 14

he said this is the last time you're going to see me just because my mom was dating someone else and he was like you know I'm just going to leave you guys in peace I'm going to be out of your life it's best if you know I don't I don't complicate things meanwhile I was he was just there to bang my mom anyways he's full of shit He had 19 kids. He was getting everyone pregnant.

He didn't give his shit. He would come by every now and then to just to bang my mom and take me and my friends in the movies and dump us off and just hang out with my mom. You know what I mean? He was a scoundrel. But I would dream that I would see him like in his truck because he was a truck driver by day. He delivered food to restaurants. And I'd have dreams like, there he is. I would chase him and shit.

Wanted to see my daddy. You know, it's crazy when my mom died, I remember months later, I moved right around the corner. And if I went out on Fridays or Saturdays or during the weekend, I got fucking drunk, I would always go by the house. And I was just sitting in a stool just to see if maybe they made a mistake and shit. Even though I seen them bury my mother, for some reason the back of my mind, I wouldn't believe it. I would still go to the corner and still walk up to the house. and I would walk behind the backyard just to see if there was a light on

because that meant that they made a mistake. You know what I'm saying? That's how fucking crazy your mind is when you were a kid. Who do fuck most? Anyway, let me do the sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here. It's getting late. It's a Sunday night.

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You understand me? Eddie Bravo. Good luck to you Sunday. I know you're going to sell that motherfucker out again. Take it watched on UFC Pass or a million other options. I'm sure it's going to be a great event. We're trying to get Gary Tone in here next week

to talk about it. Beautiful. Lee Sayat, what's your fucking dilemma? Look at you. You look like a Morf to Van. You're over there laying there looking at me all fucked up. I'm doing great now. I had a great weekend.

Okay. Everything's all right. You got your head back together. Yeah. No more carneasada sandwiches. Reprov alone. All day. I don't fucking believe.

What do you see what your asshole smells like tonight? You kill that bathroom. Flowers and cilantro. Sunflowers and cilantro. Have a great day. Start your week off. Great. Thank you very much.

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