The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #373 - Luis J. Gomez

Episode Date: April 21, 2016

Luis J. Gomez, Comedian, Podcaster, Radio Host and "Real Ass Dude," also heard on The Legion Of Sksnks podcast among many more joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. ScoreBig - When you go to ScoreBig.com, use prom code: JOEY. to get $20 off of your first order. Also check out the Score Big IPhone App.   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey and download the Free Headspace App and start your Take10 10 day free trial .   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/20/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by ScoreBig. Next time you go see any gamer show, go to ScoreBig first and see how much you can save. The easiest way to save on tickets, download the new ScoreBig app on your iPhone. Enter promo code Joey at checkout, and you'll save an extra $20 off of your first ticket purchase. You don't have an iPhone? That's fine. Just go to scorebig.com and use promo code Joey. That's scorebig.com promo code Joey. Show is also brought to you by Headspace.com.

Go to Headspace.com and download their free Headspace app and download. begin the Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation right now. That's Headspace.com slash Joey and download the take their free Headspace app and begin the take 10 program right now. The show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use promo code church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products like Alvbrain. Kick that mule, Lee.

That's as loud as it goes. Kick it. Kick this motherfucker, Lee. I don't get the e-phone blow. I don't give a fuck. If you hear sockets, are you fucking kidding me? A 400-pound black man singing like that.

Didn't give a fuck, Jack. He showed up with a tuxedo. A fuck of the chicken, and you're getting your fucking little monkey. Polished and shit. And then he sings to you. Who does that type of shit? April 20th, you bad motherfuckers,

you listen to the church. Richard what's happened now. Lys Ayat. Lewis Gomez from Patterson, New Jersey. Becky's in the house. And your Uncle Joey cops up. I want to do. Oh shit.

What's the story of that dog? Look at you. You're all smiling. You got your Shug Night shirt. Oh, yeah. Shug Night shirt. I got tacos that might not have been lizard. We're hoping.

You did well. Now where is this place at? This place is on. Burbank, because you keep telling me that the place I went to had Lizards, Burbank right up here in Lancasham, Burbank and Lankersham. Burbank and Lankersham. Because you kept telling me, and I'm gullible already. That place. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Now what does this place have? This place has skin. This place is bugs. Not the one with the potato tacos. Like, that would be too hard for you. No, but everything else at the potato taco place isn't good. You look at 19 potato tacos. Why are you killing yourself bouncing everywhere?

I've never seen something like this amount. Because I don't know a potato taco. Until I met my Puerto Rican Italian brother, Louis Gomez. Listen, dog. How the fuck do you live in the East Coast And you go to Taco Bell? What business do you even have in Taco Bell at this age? I'm telling it's because I am a pothead

And you can't go to Taco Bell There's not very many good tacos in New York What about a slice of pizza? I don't even give a fuck who makes it, a black dude Anything's got to be better Yeah You even told me yourself you worked at Taco Bell Why would you go back there and get that meat?

Sometimes you make mistakes, bro No, there's no mistakes like that Sometimes, listen It's not like an everyday thing It's like once a year I fuck up, and then I'm like, dude, you know what? I'm going to get a fucking crunch rap Supreme. I fuck up. Or Chalupa?

I fuck up. But you worked there. You saw behind the curtain. Yeah. That's what I don't understand. You saw behind the curtain Louis Gomer. I'm not talking to some fucking kid from, you know, some fucking bum fuck. You're a jersey guy.

Yeah. How the fuck? You saw behind the curtain. You went in there and you could tell when you put the meat in the water, that could be a finger. That could be somebody's missing fucking aunt, a dog. You don't know what the fuck. Fuck you eat. And listen, I like Taco Bell too.

I threaten myself to go to Taco Bell. That's how you punish yourself. But I won't go. Yeah. I won't go. Listen, nobody likes those sour cream things in there. That burrito supreme. After you got two or three joints in you, that shit's the MacDaddy bomb.

It's the Chalupa. What's the Chalupa? They take the gordita shell, then they fucking fry it. They deep fry it. It's like that crunchy chalupa. You just can't get that. Even if you go to a real taco place in New York, there's a place in East Harlem on 1-16th and 3rd that has banging tacos. It's like some of the best tacos.

was in New York City and the stand comedy club. They have the best fish taco I've ever had in my entire life, period. Fuck everything you heard in California. Go to the stand comedy club in Gramercy, the best fish taco I've ever had in my entire life. They got great food, period. Unbelievable. They got great fucking food. No, I've never been there.

That's all I've heard. The fucking food, and they put it down your throat. Yeah. Like, as soon as you walk in, they're having your menu. And they're like, you got to eat something. You got to eat something. And even if you ate, you got to eat. And last time I went, I don't know what the fuck it was.

It was George It was me and my brother George went And we just ate something like They just brought us like sandwiches I'm not a big sandwich guy When I'm in New York I know what sandwich I want It was fucking brilliant

Yeah Like most places Most comedy clubs have like chicken fingers Yeah they got shitty fucking menus Not the stand Well that was their thing That was their angle That was their angle

Yeah they were like we're gonna have Good fucking food Good drinks The environment You're gonna feel like you want Sushi You know like I had oh that's what I had

The Ahi Tuna sandwich Yeah Yeah like they don't fuck around with spinach on it and fucking like a rioly sauce like it was everything there is banging you're right no that when i go to listen i fuck around when i come here and even here like i was sitting there yesterday and lee was there lee came by and i was sitting in the front and all of a domino's pizza or something like that came up and my daughter looked at me and i looked at her and some times i find weaknesses and i'll buy one of those pizzas i won't do it man i'm from a place where

pizza was invented i can't fold but on the road here's the thing man on the road i've had great pizza on the road, not here. I've had great pizza on the road. If I'm on the road, I went to Montreal and I go Domino's because the pizza in fucking Canada just blows across the board. Yeah, why would you think that you're going to get good peace in Canada?

Because I, well, that you want... The entire country of Canada, you can't... Well, here's the problem. Where the bananas used to get heroin from? They were fucking Italian. I forget what their name was, and if you look at... They got a family. In fact, Eddie Bravo had a school. They had a school. When Eddie told me their

I go, Eddie, that's a mafia family. There's an Italian family that sold, they imported the heroin. When the heroin comes over, it goes to Canada first. Then it comes into the United States. Follow those guineas. There's got to be a pizza. I went to Toronto, and I know that the Chinese food was banging. I had some burgers that were banging.

I had great food in fucking Toronto. I had Cuban food in Toronto. Toronto's got a big Cuban population. Well, Toronto's like the New York. Yeah, there's some good restaurants there. But anywhere else, it's going to be hard to find really good food. If you want to, you know, you get a smoked meat sandwich or putteen, they have the specialty shits in Montreal.

But I had Chinese food in Montreal. It was fucking awful. Yeah. Awful. I ordered, what do they call it? Cold sesame noodles. They put peanut butter on spaghetti. Yeah, you should be shot and hung.

You should be shot and hung. You just, you couldn't order pork fried rice and take it from there. You know what I'm saying? You had to go right for the guts, though, sesame and two noodles. They got to fuck up anyway. Because nobody makes Chinese food like where you were raised. Yeah.

Even in Patterson, there's a great little Chinese place on a corner. Yeah. That's fucking delicious, and they have what you're used to that flavor. See, when I go to Buffalo, they'll be good Chinese food. The Chinese rice, and it's dark as Jersey, but they still flavor it up. They got nice ribs, they got a nice hot and sour soup. You know, you got a nice beef on wick. I'm looking forward to about a couple salads to balance you out, a few wings,

some blue cheese to get the farts going on the way back on the plane, and at the airport and Buffalo on the way out. You get a beef on wick sandwich Sunday morning at 6.30 in the fucking morning. They are not making beef on wick at 630. In the morning? Yes, they are. They're making tomorrow, I fly out of Gate 42. If you don't think I'm thinking about that hamburger with the fucking egg on top of it,

you're fucking out of your mind. My wife went and got me a roll. I'm going to make a nice egg, cheese fucking omelet. I'm going to put it on a sesame seed fucking thing. I'm going to make a little fruit smoothie with almond milk. I'm going to take my blood pressure medication. I'm going to smoke like 30 fucking numbers. And I'm eating like three of these stars, and I'm getting on that fucking plane with the iPod.

It's over. Yeah, something changed with airports. They started having good food very recently, I almost feel like. Yes. It used to be all just like Cineabon and horse shit. Fucking Harvard. Fucking Harvard. It's a horrid show.

Now there's like pretty good like little fucking places, like nice restaurant. You get a steak like a good burger. Bangin, motherfucking Italian meal in Chicago. You get a, in Long Island, you get a fucking steak like a doctor. You go to fucking carry your airport. You're delayed. No problem. Do you ever bring it on the plane?

No. No. There's no need to. There's no need to stink up the fucking plane like a son. Savage and shit like that. There's no need to. Why are you going to bring you a funk? Everything smells different on the plane.

McDonald smells delicious when it's out in the open. Bring it on the plane. It smells like somebody's fucking rooted asshole. Like they tore it out. And it's just hanging there with all the old shit dripping. That's what McDonald smells like on a fucking plane. So the next time you're going to bring your fucking egg big muffin. I hope you get cancer.

Don't bring on a fucking plane, okay? Eat fast like I do. Inhale that fucking thing. So nobody even sees it. How big is an egg big muffin? It's three bites. Yeah. Street bites if you're a fucking savage.

That's all you get McDonald's anyway. I'm always like embarrassed and I'm eating it. So I'll go in the corner, like face away from everybody on the wall. In 20 years, they're going to throw rocks at you. Like when you eat at McDonald's, people are going to throw rocks at you. Like you were a whore. Like 2,000 years ago they rocked you. Same thing when you eat McDonald's.

I hope so. I hope so. I hope so. But they do it all the time. People always bring like sandwiches. I know hummus, but like what's the worst thing you've ever seen on a plane? I've seen hummus. A man's foot.

that's the worst thing I've ever seen on a plane those fucking animals with slippers I hope the plane does go down so they gotta run a thousand miles and a better gasoline and they'll wear sneakers and work boots like I fucking fly okay you always get your toes covered

in case there's a fly or something they fly with flip-lops to be fucking cool no I don't bring nothing on a fucking plane I bring reefer that's it a fucking vapor pen and I sit there with the iPod and I look straight ahead

I don't talk to nobody but don't get anxiety well you're in the first class a lot of yes what fucking anxiety how do you get anxiety Look, in the walk back, the one time I did it on the way to Austin, I had to walk all the way to back at the end of the plane. It took forever for like the food.

I didn't like it. It was like too much almost. You never get that way for you? What? Like, weed on a plane. Like, there's something about the altitude or Jesus. I get a stone on a plane. It makes that flight a lot easier.

Yeah. Anything after three hours, you and hell. I'll take an Amtrak. If it's under six hours, I'd rather Amtrak. That's not bad. If you live on the fucking East Coast, you could Amtrak all. All the way to Fort Lauderdale. The Amtrak is great, but it's more expensive than plane tickets now in some places.

Yeah, yeah. Well, here's the deal with Amtrak. If you call Amtrak, it's a cheap thing. And you get there, they put you in the back with a bunch of animals and people smelling shit. But if you want to go to the cart, then that cost you $12. That's how they bang. Oh, you want a pillow. Oh, you didn't tell us you wanted a pillow.

That's $8. They bang you throughout. But then you can give them a flat fee, and everything comes inclusive, you have no drum. You have free Wi-Fi, get to walk around, the bathrooms are big. Boston to New York is great. It's tremendous. If you're trying to jerk off in an airplane bathroom, it's a fucking nightmare. Why would you jerk off an airplane bathroom?

Because you fucking got a long flight. I jerk off in almost every flight I'm ever on. No, you put the blanket on and you just move different strokes, you know what I'm saying? You don't grip it. You just hold on to your fingers. That's a complete different move right there. How do you do it on the plane? I've always been like...

That's disgusting. That is really fucking disgusting. What, jerking off in the airplane bathroom? Fuck, yeah. Dude, I'm a firm believer in just getting that out. You just got to get it out of your body. Yeah, but do it before the plane. Yeah, but what if you're on a long flight?

What makes you want to be on the fucking plane and jerk? Why would show human being? What if there's cameras behind those mirrors? There's not. That's illegal. They can't do that. This is the FBI. They do what they want.

Okay, so they're going to blow their entire cover to be like, oh, we caught you jerking off. Why do you think that fucking big mirrors back? No, they're watching you somewhere. That's okay. That kind of turns me on even more. They're watching you somewhere in D.C. Giggling, and they put in your file. That's okay.

Okay. If that's the only thing they got on my file, I'm completely okay. And next time they get pulled over, there's a dot where the feds could press, and there you are jerking off on a fucking plane bathroom. And they probably got you on 15 different flights whacking off. So they got you on, like, a category six. Like, once they pull you over, they're just going to shoot you. Because this guy was mentally disturbed.

He fucking whacked off on planes. We got complaints. That's not one complaint. This is what's happened with all these police shootings. We don't know about it, but these guys were jerking off in airplane bathrooms. All of them. And they get you, just shoot them. Yeah.

This guy's a plane jerk or offer. Do you like watch videos on your phone? Or you just do it straight from memory. Well, no, because they block on the Wi-Fi on the plane. You can't look at any porn or anything. They block all of those sites. You have to download pictures or video beforehand, then bring it in the... I go on my whole computer sometimes.

I text you. I do that for hotels. Because I'm always worried about the Wi-Fi at hotels. I'll pre-download it. Just because otherwise, I can't do it from memory. There's no way. Yeah, but that sucks. I can't usually...

Because look, you're in a pinch on a plane. You can't stream. Typically hotel Wi-Fi at this point, It's 2016. I mean, you're getting good Wi-Fi in almost any hotel. I also have, I have Metro PCS. People make fun of me because it's like fucking basically prepaid shit. But I get unlimited data and I get a Wi-Fi hotspot.

So I can sit in a fucking park and just stream videos nonstop. And people make fun of me. I pay $50 a month and these motherfuckers are spending $120 a month in data. To stream porn in the park? I'm not streaming porn in the park, but if I wanted to, I could. That's not a bad idea. I don't know. I, you don't, like, I, can you do it from memory or no?

Yeah, I can't, you know, I go through different things. I'll go through different, like, motions. Like, sometimes I've just gone over porn. And then I'm like, all right, dude, I'll just go off of memory. And I have a, I have a file on my computer. I can show you guys of, like, 60 different girls that I've slept with that just pictures, normal pictures of them. It's almost like just a, so that I can go back to my memories of those chicks.

What's wrong, Joey? You don't, you don't do that on the road? What's that? You don't, you never do that? I jerked off in here the other day. Where? Right here in my chair. I came right here.

I rubbed it in with my foot and everyone got out and left. That's it. Somewhere there's a kid growing in that carpet right now, like a fucking bubble guppy. Not a bubble guppy. Those things are you with kids that you fucking put in water and they grew, sea fish, whatever the something was. Sea monkeys.

Like a bubble guppy. That's you having a three-year-old kid right there. Louis Gobet's time for you to do a stop. I can't do. Are you getting half of it? Half, half, half. I can't do it. You have to have, half, half.

You don't, listen to me. You don't want these fucking people saying Louis Gomez, you want to church, you didn't even partake. I mean, it's bad enough you go to Taco Bell. It's bad enough you jerk off on planes. It's bad enough you went to Taco Bell after you worked there and you saw behind the curtain. And then it's bad enough you didn't need a fucking start. I remember one time I was working at KFC when I was 16 and I went for a jerk session. Oops.

That's for the lead. Don't touch it. It's in the bubble guppy. They're filling the bubbleguppie. That's all right. Lee likes bubble guppy juice. You have a half baby, half weed star going out of your carpet. That's what he needs.

We like that shit. We're going 800 milligrams. I was, uh, take a little bite of the wing. I'm going to take a little tiny piece. That's it. So now I feel like I did something. You did some. And we go take it to where you need to go.

It really does taste like fucking weed. Jesus Christ. That's delicious. And it's got vitamin C. I'm going to be putting a fucking. fucking needle in my dick by the end of the night. No, you won't. This is,

I was, I was working at KFC when I was 16, and I wanted to have a jerk sash. I just wanted to, like, I'm, I'm, I got a crazy libido. Like,

my mom, my mom rented, uh, fucking clockwork orange when I was like seven. And I remember watching, like, multiple gang rape scenes when I was a kid. And I think it,

like, fucked me up sexually because, like, I've always had a very, very high libido. I was masturbated when I was like eight or nine, like really fucked up. But I was working KFC.

the drive-thru, like prime time, like 7 o'clock, like as busy as it could possibly be in West Averston, New York. And I was like, dude, like, because my dick was rubbing against the night, like, you know, I had polyester fucking shitty KFC uniform pants. And I was like, I got to get it out of me. So I went in the bathroom and I just lost track of time. I got into my head. And that's, you had to use, it was memories back then. You didn't have internet or anything. This is, I'm 34 years old right now. So this is, you know, fucking nearly 20 years ago. And I, dude, I jerked off. I probably spent 20 minutes just jerking off in there. Like fucking edging.

like making myself almost come and then stopping myself. Dude, I opened up the bathroom door. My manager, my KFC, he was his big meathead Marine guy. Dude, he was like, what the fuck were you doing? I was like, oh, taking a shit. He punched me square in the face. Just punched me.

He didn't even know I was jerking off. He punched me for taking a shit for 20 minutes. So I'm telling you, I got fucking, I have issues. So a six-hour plane ride? No, don't know, guaranteed. One of the biggest points of contention in my relationship, why my son's mother never got over it. We went to the hospital to have my son.

She said, oh, no. We went to the hospital, and before I knew we were going to be there for like 40 hours. You know what I'm saying? We had it. She wasn't in labor. She didn't, like her water didn't break. We had it induced, right? So as soon as we got there, I was like, all right, let me go fucking rub one out really

quick because I don't want to get horny in the middle all of this and have to fucking be concentrating on a fucking boner. So I ended up telling the story on a podcast, and she was fucking livid. She never got over it. She could never understand how I could possibly go to the hospital with her to go have our son and jerk off. Me neither. Well, some people get it. I'm fucking baffled to you.

That you even thought about, you know, because that pussy's beat up. I wasn't thinking about her. It looks like somebody threw a grenade in there, and you got, it's fucking amazing. I had a friend once that we went on a vacation. This had to be 30 fucking years ago. We went on a vacation, and this motherfucker came into my room later on, like a folder. You know, like one of attorneys, you see, with a manila folder. And we were just talking.

Oh, I went into his room. That's what it was. I went into his room to smoke or something. We were probably 22, 21. We went to Hawaii, three of us. And I went into this moron's room. And this guy had a folder. Like, guys, a fucking folder.

Like, it was just, and I asked him, what's in there? You brought work with you? And he goes, no, no, that's my porn. And I go, what is it? And he would take certain pictures out of Playboy. Instead of bringing the whole Playboy, he would just take the sections out and staple him. That's when you're a professional fucking pervert.

I don't know what happened to that guy, but I know for a fact he's got to be in jail for fucking something or he doesn't sleep at night. Who staples? I had one page out of a magazine. So did I. When I was a kid and it was under my car. carpet. I couldn't even see a pussy

no more. It had been rained on, and the shower leaked on it. It was a fucking mess, and that said, I moved down with my life. Not only that, I don't even know what the fuck. He brought porn with him on that trip to Hawaii. Like, he was pissed. He couldn't get a VCR or something like that.

Like, I just, you know, I knew this guy for like a year. They all had these trips. Let's go to fucking Hawaii. I was so fucking embarrassed. I could never imagine traveling with your fucking... Stash. I mean, this is a long time.

I get it. I completely get it. I mean, look, what are you going to do? You're on a fucking beach. There's no porn. There's no, you doesn't know if you could buy a fucking, a porn magazine at a fucking Louis Gomez, do you know I'm nuts? I'm fucking nuts.

I'm fucking nuts. And when I was 21 and doing drugs and I was even crazy, I would go up to women and say shit. I had a friend growing up stinky. This guy was a good-looking dude. He was Italian-American Indian. So every time he got Hammett, he went off character. He was a gentleman in the daytime. But he would go up to Becky after four drinks.

Becky would know him for four years. He'd go up to Beck and go, who's next, Becky? Let me give that monkey a shot. And he was so good looking that it worked 60% of the time. You had three drinks in you. What the fuck? You know, so I learned from him. I would say, fuck all that nice guy shit.

When you go to these clubs, you got to just tell these savages, listen, I got a gram a fucking blow. I got three quailutes. You're here talking to this jerk off about fucking insurance. Let's go up to the room. Let's eat your pussy. Let's put a quailoo in that motherfucker and put you to work. And I just turn my back and walk away.

And six out of ten, they walk back to the room with me. And four times they just sit there like, what the fuck did you just say to me? But I didn't give the fuck. It doesn't matter. It's about going up to them and going to listen, it's two o'clock. You're talking to this jerk off. Look at him. Look at him.

What's he going to do you? I got a name. You just show of the rock. You give her a taste? Then just show it. I try, like, I'm obviously not saying I had Coke, but like I always, I imagine, okay, you got to be, like, mean, like, you can't be nice. And after, like, two sentences, it just doesn't work. Not mean, but affirmative, confident.

In those days, the cocaine, and look at me, I'm a fucking bum. I didn't give a fuck. When I would do that Coconut Grove improv, I would say things to women down there, because everybody's snort and fucking in Miami. Everybody goes to Coconut Grove to snort and fuck. Nobody goes there to see Disney characters. In 99, people went to fucking Coconut Grove to party. And that's the way it was since the early 80s. Coconut Grove.

Now it's changed and they have a couple clubs in the karaoke place. So did, like, if you just saw a girl in a bar, right? Would you just open up with the Coke line assuming she did Coke? No. Let's say we're talking. She ended up in the circle. She's a good looking girl, whatever. Three, four, and at the comedy store, you got to ask them.

That was the scariest. I would never do it in a group. The only time I ever did is if, like, they left the group. Oh, yeah. If they left the group, then you got a son-like-up. And if they're doing your blow, it's even easy. You just tell them what's the story. Well, then they owe you.

Yeah, what do you want to do? You want to sit in here? Let's go back to the whole town. I got a fucking two-eight boss. You got no work tomorrow. What about my car? Leave the fucking car there. It's over.

And that's it. And six out of ten times. I'll tie you up. Just tell them what you got been playing. I'll stick a finger up your ass. I'll just look at you, dog. Like, what the fuck did you just say? What do you give a fuck?

Yeah. I learned that a long time ago. You're going to wake up, and it's not going to really matter. Nobody's going to matter. Everybody's fucked up. Everybody goes out for the certain reason. Nobody goes out to go home alone. Yeah.

So, you know. Then why are guys so scared when they're young? Or maybe I'm... Everybody's fucking scared with the young, because we buy into TV shows, we buy into Greece that you got to sing. You know what I'm saying? You got to sing to a bitch and shit. It's the same thing.

Listen, dog, I was friends with this girl. That was the most aggressive woman I had ever seen him out. I never saw nothing like that I never slept with her or nothing but I hung out with her and she was very aggressive towards guys I mean to the point where she would make guys melt you know what I'm saying like she would just knock them off

that game she would say what I was saying to women to guys and guys can't handle that that fucks me up if a girls too sexy dude I guys can't handle that she would go off on guys if a girl like I hate condoms but if a girl is aggressively being like oh take your condom off that just fucks me up I'm like I can't I can't I need to be the creep.

I need to be the one who's hunting. If I'm the one who's being hunted, it just kind of fucks my game up. But it's all, he's right, there's all numbers. Like, if you literally go up to a girl in a bar,

a hundred girls and go, hey, let me just fuck you in the bathroom right now. There's a ratio. It's predetermined by the universe. If you ask every woman in the world, there's a number, one out of however many women are going to say yes.

And if you understand that, then you, that's where all your confidence comes from. It's in sales, they say every no, get you closer to a yes. That's the theory. Right there.

All right. say no, bitch. The next one might say yes. I once pulled a girl out of her house with her boyfriend. Set the stage. And took it to the hotel down to the corner. I went to school, her name

was Lori Jack. All right? They called the Laurie Jack because she didn't. She was from Wayne, New Jersey, and transferred to... Well, most of my family's from. Okay. And she transferred to Northburg and her sophomore year and started fucking. But she had a dry pussy, so they called the Fairview, the Dry Hump.

I mean, these guys are torture. Fairview is a city above North Bergen, so she didn't come or she had a pussy didn't get wet, so they called a Fairview to dry hump. That's such a weird thing to make fun of someone about. These motherfuckers are crazy, okay? I didn't like her. I never really dug her.

She always creeped me out a little bit, but at the end of the day, the bitch's face was fucked up. Like, no, she's still pretty on Facebook. She's on Facebook. In fact, I shocked her about three months ago, right? So she had, but, but the body was on fire at that age.

And I hadn't seen her from high school. And one night I go to corkies and I'm fucked up. I got a fucking half an ounce of coke in my pocket. I've been up for two days. And who walks in with this chick with a fucking miniskirt on? And then she starts talking to me. Like from high school, I knew her boyfriend in high school. She starts talking to me.

I give her a few bumps and the bitch disappears. And I go, this dirty bitch, she was looking like she hypnotized me with that little mini skirt on. So she told me where she lived. She lived there's a guy named Lou Donato. When I was a kid, Lou Donato thought he was a big shot, and he opened up a massage parlor. And he wanted to hire me, Danny Bianculo,

Jimmy Villan, like a bunch of us to be bodyguards at the thing. And he wouldn't pay his cash. He wanted us for the chicks to blow us. And I had never gotten a blowjob at that time. So I went in there. I was like one of the dog guys there. One night, one of the girls like, so when do you want your blowjob?

I want you to come in my hair. Listen to me. I ran home and almost cried. Come in your head. What are you talking? I'm not going to waste my cum in your head. Who comes in the hair? I had never heard that before.

I ran the fuck out of it. Anyway, Lou Donato was a pervert. He said he had a connection with the Yankees. I was there snorting Coke one night, two nights. I liked Lou. He was kind of crazy. He was one of those Italian. He was one of those Italian.

So she tells me she said, Louis Donato says, three o'clock comes, guys, I'm fucking honed up. I got maybe 40 bucks on my pocket, but I got a half ounce of the best Coke in the fucking world, a couple of joints in the pocket full of pills. I got nowhere to go. I say, fuck it. I'm going to knock on Louis Donato's door.

Do you know I locked my knock on Louis Donato's door? This motherfucker answered it with a robe like a playboy. And he goes, what can I do for you? He goes, though, can I talk to the lawyer for a second? Something went down at the fucking bar tonight. I got to ask her some questions. And she came down with a robe on. And I'm like, you got to come with me.

I want to fuck you. I just broke it down in a minute. She's like, I can't Lou. I don't go fuck about Lou. Let's go. And Lou went downstairs. and let us talk. So I go, get your purse, let's go.

We just fucking tore ass out of there. And we went to the tip-top hotel on Tunley Avenue, and we walked in, we had a fucking few cocktails and shit. So I'm like, so what's the story? You're going to take those panties off? And I never forgets. He goes, you got to guess what color they are.

And I go red, and she goes, they're orange, close enough. And that was all I remember. We just started storm blow and fucking and sucking. And that's all I remember. Now, this is Friday night from four to maybe seven in the morning. And the next thing I know, I wake up. And Doug Flutie is throwing that fucking bomb.

They're replaying that. He had just thrown the bomb, and they were about to interview him. And I remember waking up, she was still naked, laid there. I washed in, washed my cock, brushed my teeth, whatever the fuck I had. And I just left of that. And I never saw her again until three months ago on Facebook. and she friended me. I said to her, do you remember what happened the last time I told us?

I saw you. And she's like, what? I go, you remember? You don't remember? I robbed Louis Donato, because Louis Donato left it his posse bag on top of the refrigerator. So I took that to go on the way out, too. You know what I mean? Dog, I was fucking nuts, Doug, nuts.

You stole his chick and then took the money on the way out? I took the money on the way up to pay for the hotel room. Unbelievable, guys. I should be ashamed of it. How old were you? Were you in high school? No, I was. Way too old.

to be doing that. 21. Oh, that's not bad. I just turned 21. We used to do that all the time. We used to bring chicks over the apartment, me and Dave Smith. And then when they go to the bath and we'd go through their purse and just fucking take money out of their purse, like scumbags. Just pieces of garbage.

I used to do magic tricks when I was like a little kid, like 14, 13 years old. And we, this was our game because I got pretty good sleight of hand. So we will play strip poker with chicks. Like teenage girls. just play strip poker and I'm just fucking palming kings and aces the whole time just getting girls naked like we're just sitting there with our clothes completely on we're fucking like

all right dude I mean we were fucking just grimy assholes one night I was all fucked up I had just been in L.A. two three years it's a Monday night and I go to the Laugh factory and I got a little bit of Coke I got like a half a 20 and a

cut in it I'm like this fucking Coke this fucking Coke this fucking Coke is terrible and I go on a Laugh Factory. I'm sitting behind that and Paul Borgiggas is on stage and some fucking hot chick is heckling. I mean

heckling him. And he gets her thrown out. And as she walks past me, I go, this is my victim for the night. And she's out there yelling and screaming on sunset and I go out there and I'm like, what's the problem? And she starts talking to me. And

this bitch looks at me and she goes, there a bar around. He was a Monday night. She goes, there a bar around here. I'm like, there's tons of fucking bars around here. She goes, I just need a bottle of beer or a liquor store. I go, let's go. It's one over here. I didn't even fucking know where the hell we walked like a block. We couldn't find it.

All I know is this chick went in her pocket and took out a ward that would kill a fucking horse. At this time, I was living on Gavin's couch, just getting $15 spots. And I'd made the decision right there that I was mugging this chick. Like right there and there, I knew that money was mine. I had a car with no insurance, no registration, the brakes were going. We start talking.

I give her a bump to soften her up. I get her in the car. I take it down. To soften her up. Sure, to soften her up. You got to give her something. I take it down to fucking the liquor store like the shitty neighbor of Hollywood. We got like a bottle of vodka.

We're drinking vodka and Gatorade in the fucking car. And then she tells me her story that she lives in Seattle. And she's down here for a convention. But this chick is. too hot for this story and she's too you know what I'm saying she's too horary and she's bad the bitch is bad and all of a sudden she's down here for a convention and she's engaged and you know but I'm sitting there taking the bullshit I know where this is going by this time I'm a professional you can't get one by me right this is this I'm 36 you're not getting

it's all I got you you're in my leg it's over I don't even want to fuck I just want to fucking take your money so she's at this convention took it down here you're in my layer you're in my layer so you're taking she came down here to go to a seminar her job sent her to be a seminar to dee some shit in an office and they kept the downtown at a Japanese hotel like a badass hotel that's what the whole staff was so she goes if you take me down there I have tequila and morocco I go why are we driving around in a car with no brakes no insurance no registration drinking when you got a fucking hotel room. So we get down

to the hotel room. Now, the whole time it's 11.30 and my Coke dealer closes at one. So if I'm going to mug this bitch, I got to get to it. I got to step this up. We have drinks. We toast. She's like, fuck it. You know,

this is on the company. And all of a sudden she starts telling me how she's stripped for four years. So I knew finally the clouds part to show you the color of the sky. You know what I'm saying? I'm sucking all this in. And I'm looking at that pocket, and it's sticking it in a motherfucker.

And I give her two more bumps and show me your tits. Come on. I can't. I'm engaged. She takes her tit out. So we're on. Once they say they're engaged and they drop the tit on you, it's all good.

You got a commitment. You know what I'm saying? We're working with something. I can take this to the next level. We got something. I just back off a little bit. Give her air. Let the tequila stick get to it.

And then we'll take this to the next level. I rip out the rest of the coat. We're banging the fucking Coke out of the lines. Not how other tits falling out. I grab them. Can I smell them? Yeah. I'm sucking the whole fucking thing.

Tits don't ever smell. I don't give a fuck, right? Next thing you know. Next thing, you know, I'm feeling a monkey. I fucking open her up. I can't. I'm engaged. I'm sorry.

Don't worry. You know, I'm respectful. I'm a Catholic. No, about eight minutes later, I'm back on like a barracuda. I go, shit. This time I got a shoe on, off. I got the one shoe off. You went for the shoe?

Because I got to take the pants off. I'm not going to eat her pussy half-wit. You know what I'm saying? Like a fucking three-year-old. I got to whip those pants off and shit. So I take the shoe off. She starts to cry again. But this time she don't put the shoe back on.

So I know I got my hooks on her. I know I got this dirty bitch. She's walking around with the apartment with one shoe talking to me, how she can't cheat on him. She's never cheat on him. She loves him. You know, she buried his mother. Just a bunch of.

your shit. And the more shit she's telling me, another shot of tequila, too. I'm softening her up. I got it like in the fourth round now. It's a seven-round fight, right? But it's 10 after 12. I better get to it. I better get to it. We start swamp and spit her pants come on. I take the other shoe up. I start fingering her. She's talking, she's

half crying. I can't. Take your hand out. Just look at it. Whatever. Fine. Next thing, you know, I get my fucking head between, man. It smells like a gyro. But I don't give a fuck because I'm trying to get her pants off. But she left shoe on the left pant so I can't get that fucking that scoop so I had to make up a story why to take her shoes off so I don't like say something to and then just take the shoe off

and take the pants off and eat her pussy I didn't give a fuck and now I'm eating and I'm fingering about on the floor with this octopus hand trying to get those jeans you can't even be passionate like this anymore they call it rape today Doug I'm fingering or eating her pussy of clits and lads all the whiff is coming out you know when everything starts coming out when you're pukw guh-quh-wh-wh-h-ha-ha-ha. And the next thing, you know, I hit the jerika. I hit the money.

I take the top out, and it's a single. I'm pissed. I got to eat that monkey. I'm taking it, and I'm ripping out singles. What happened to the hundreds she had? Finally hit the hundreds. And I take, like, two out, and I leave it on the floor, and I take another one out. Boom.

And that's good enough for me. I've already eaten this pussy. She's about to come. I already came just from looking at her naked. I'm done. I'm over there, breathing heavy. She said, I can't believe you let me. My pussy.

My ing. Don't worry about nothing. I'm fingering her asshole. She's going back down. I put the money in my pocket. And about a minute later, I fucking get up. And I go, oh, my God. I didn't put quarters in the meter.

I'm going to get towed. And she goes, all right, hurry up? Come back. I fucking left. That was it. That's my fucking. I didn't mug her completely. Are you guys friends on Facebook?

No, she disappeared. That's actually not a pretty good guy. Just to not rob her completely. You could have taken all the money. I just wanted to get high. And I made it on the, 101 from downtown, I made it to Dantes by one o'clock. That's all that matters.

You understand? I beat the deadline. Sometimes you've got to beat the clock, though. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man. This is the time, but this is... Listen, man, that was half the fucking fun when you're growing up and you're doing drugs. Yeah, well, the thrill, just the thrill of even doing that, like, just to see if you can.

We used to, we used to steal, like, crazy. We used to go to the mall, and it wasn't even... It was for the money. half the time, but it was like just a thrill of, I mean, the guy, the guy won't Collaboratea pizza would send us to the mall and he would just give us shoe sizes and he'd be like, all right, go pick up sneakers. He was like, I need, you know, three Nikes, two Reeboks, and he would just give us sizes. It didn't have to be a specific style and he'd give us $20 per pair of shoes that we would

steal. And I would just, I had a buddy who worked there who gave me the key that you could just take the things off at Models. And I'd walk in with shopping bags and just walk out with like, 10 pair of sneakers in each bag and just walk the fuck out of the mall. I used to do it with golf clubs too. He would pay us like 20 bucks per golf club

because golf club, I never played golf, but apparently they're pretty expensive. Thank God. Yeah. Taco Bell, Patterson, and golf. I'd shoot myself in the fucking head. Thank God there's one bright fucking... But I put one golf club down each leg and walk out like I had broken legs.

And we would do that almost two or three times a week. We used to rob the wishing well at the Rainforest Cafe. at like 2 o'clock in the morning. We'd go in and we would just fucking, because they'd keep the mall doors open at the Palisade Center Mall when I was like 17, 18 years old. And me and my buddy Toby Smith,

I mean, this is how we made weed money, like, for probably two years. I mean, we would do this. The fucking security, they would chase us. Like, fuck you. Because they can't touch you. They're not allowed to grab you. In New York, I don't know how it is in Cali, but security guards can't put their hands on you.

They can, like, try to detain you and call the cops, but they can't. If you're stealing shit, but get the fuck out of my face. What are you going to do? Can't put your hands on me. That's it. So we used to fucking take like $100 and change every like Tuesday and Thursday night

and just go to the coin store machine and just fucking dump a bunch of wet coins into the coin store machine. That was it. But it was like it was fun. And it was like a fun weird thrill. I don't think I paid for toothpaste until I was 30. I mean, I would literally just take toothpaste from fucking Dwayne Reed and just, just I'd be shopping and I just fucking drop it in my pocket. Because it didn't make sense to me to spend $7 on $2.

toothpaste, you know? But... Listen, from 78 to 2003, I robbed everything I could. Yeah. I just robbed sometimes for the fucking sake of it. Sometimes to prove a point, I robbed everything I could. What's the biggest thing you ever stole? I robbed the jewelry store.

Like, stuck them up? No weapon. Went in there, took the fucking shells and ran out of that. Wow. Before they had sick. on Bergen-Line Avenue in Jersey, which all those jewelry stores had buzzers. I love stealing.

I love stealing. There was something about it when I was a kid that I didn't like for the Catholicism reason. But once I did it, like in the seventh grade, I was gone. Yeah. I was gone with it because everybody around me was stealing and they were talking about it.

So it felt like it had been accepted. It was almost like, I don't remember who said. Somebody said it, but it's like it was in a movie. the kid's father said it to him and it was like that's it if you can steal you won you know if you didn't get caught like that's almost like your work that's how you got paid and I kind of

like weirdly get it even almost on like a moral level it's like it's your job to keep your shit you know what I'm saying and if you're not if you don't have your eyes and people don't steal for me because I'm very paranoid about people taking my shit I never like leave my door open or you know I don't have a car anymore but I would always make sure that it was locked but if somebody like got me

I wouldn't feel like I wouldn't feel like I needed to call the cops. I fucked up because I didn't keep my eyes on my shit, you know? Well, it's really weird how when I'm walking around, that's what I'm looking for always is security flaws. Like, it's just a natural instinct of mind. I'm always looking for security flaws. I see with my eyes a lot of other people don't see because I'm a criminal.

It's something you can't shake. It's in you. You know what I'm saying? So I see people's body movement. You know, you know people's body movement because that's the body movement you had. I know when somebody's up to no good, just by their body movement. I know the movements, you know. Last night we had a weird situation, those skateboarders.

Oh, yeah. I thought I was going to have to run one of those motherfuckers over with a car. See, I'm at an age right now, dog. Well, I'll run you on with the fucking car. Yeah. Like, I don't have time to fist fight you. I'm not a commando. I'm not a hand-to-hand combat guy.

That ship's sail. I see you at night by a 7-11 and you torment me. I will fucking hit you with that fucking car and drag you. And then back it up and run over your fucking head. And I'll make up some fucking story. You understand me? I'm not taking those kids last night, they were scary. Yeah, yeah.

They were 10 of them. You got to hit four of them. Yeah. Got to hit four those motherfuckers with a car. Well, at least you got to hit one of them hard enough to the other ones go, all right, this guy's fucking crazy. This motherfucker's not fucking around. You know, they didn't know that it's weird the things I saw at that age.

At that age, we would fuck with a guy, and he would light this up on Bergen-Line Avenue. And then we're getting lit up at, like, 30. by like a 17 and 18 year old because we thought we were cute like punching the fucking mouth bleeding lit up like you're walking with your buddy and he got beat up

and your other buddy who was a black belt and karate he got fucking beat up too everybody got beat up because the fear was just the way this guy fucking beat us up you know these kids don't know that

they didn't know that what were they doing last night they were just in the middle of street at 11 fucking 30 at night with skateboards they made a ramp by fucking 7-Eleven so they weren't even that bad of kids I thought they were trying to run rob you guys.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They were trying to be weird. They weren't doing anything like violent. They were being, they're being per, like, what is it? Like, they're being obnoxious on purpose. They were just like taking as long as they could to walk behind a car that's trying to back out. Right.

Nothing really that aggressive, but it's just like, they're going to laugh about it later. You could tell. You could tell. I ain't a swami from salami. You follow me, but you could tell that these motherfuckers don't know. Right. And the beauty of it was a lead point to that. We're a block from a cop station.

30 fucking yards that went down from a car. Lee, 30 fucking yard. Because you even said at the end of a podcast or two ago that that would be a good one to rob. And I couldn't believe it because it's literally... Right next to a police station. Yeah. And they...

The closer it is to police station, the better it is to rob, because they can't even figure it out. Their circuit, short circuit. You just hit them right in their fucking neighbor. It takes them three minutes more to fucking react to you. Three minutes fucking more. But I love... When I first moved to North Bergen, these kids would go to sea caucus and rob punks to light on fire, and they sell them door to door.

Who knocks on your door? These kids did shit that, you know, like, it was just crazy. But then we started robbing motorcycles. You know, when I was in Colorado and I got out of the halfway house, I had a friend that used to send me stolen shit. Let me tell you how different the societies are. In Colorado and California, right now, I'll give you a truck right now, put it right out here right now, filled the fucking speakers and tell you, get me whatever you can for them.

I guarantee yourself three fucking speakers. Because that's not accepted in the California society. That's not accepted outside of Staten Island, Jersey. Are those the people who like pull up to you and say, hey, man, I found... No, no, no, no, no, no. Those are the people that you go to a bar in Patterson, and on payday, they show up. Yo, yo, yo, can I get your motherfucking attention, please? Shit.

Look at these fucking shoes. That's it. Italian fucking shoes. 300 a pair. You're going to get him for fucking $85 hours. Like that guy in barbershop, that's an actual thing that happens? Yes. Yes. He just said it. He goes shoplift. Let's say he comes back to Capuzo. And Capuzo is not there.

This motherfucker is not going to get out. I go to Haverstra. I go to Haverstra. And we'd open the back of the trunk. I do. That's what we used to do. And the kids would come up and be like, all right, well, I'll try to sell him for 25 now and get even more money. You follow me? You're always hustling. You don't get stuck with nothing. Yeah.

need a fucking size seven rebucks no stolen anything you steal i'm making a profit even if you give me three dollars yeah like i always learned how to exist in every market i lived when it was in boulder i went right to the record stores and i would rob cds and bring them up the corner and fucking sell them for seven dollars a piece i would it was like a car i lose five dollars and a fucking half a mile walk but you know there was always a way to make a fucking stupid living somebody asked on twitter what's the number of the episode with dyes talked about bringing returns back to Sears and all that shit. When I first started comedy, I got divorced from 92 to 95 guys.

I lived off returns. Oh, yeah. I would walk into a store and not even walk out of the store. I would take the stuff and walk right up to customer service and go, hi. You could do that today. But today you got cameras. Yeah, but you can't go back to the same place. But I did.

When I was 19, that's exactly how I made all of my money. When I first, I was going to Baruch College in New York City. and what I figured out was the return on books from the bookstores for the colleges. They were crazy. So I'd go into the bookstore, right? And in the beginning of the year, everyone's bringing their books from the previous year and returning them. And you get like, you know, maybe 20% of what you paid for the previous year. I'd take it right in the middle of the store.

I'd drop them on the floor. I'd jump on the books a little bit to beat them up a little bit. And I'd bring them straight back to the return counter. And I would do that all the time to make money. I learned when I was probably eight, I'd go and I found a receipt on the ground. And the idea came to me. It was very natural. I had no money.

We wanted to buy candy or whatever it was. And I got a receipt. I was like, oh, I could just go get chicken. And it says I bought chicken, you know, and bring this over. And I just returned it. It was as simple as that. Easy way to make money. Super easy way to make money.

I, dude, I used to that, that was, I was a fucking scam artist. A straight up scam artist. Up until I was about 19. I moved to New York City. And I started promoting for comedy clubs on the streets of New York City. I was one of the original guys if you walk through Times Square. I was like, hey, you want to go see a comedy show? That was my shit.

I was one of the first guys that were doing that out there. I worked for the first company that ever did that called New Genesis Marketing Solutions. But that same guy who punched me in the face, the KFC guy, I almost robbed that a different KFC. He started working at another KFC. And I hadn't worked at KFC in like two or three years. But I knew at the end of the night, they had about a $3,500 drop from like the day of sales in cash that they would bring. They put in a little blue bag, lock it. You know, one of those like leather lock bags.

And he'd go to his car, drive to the bank, do a deposit. Boom. So, dude, I remember, man. My buddy Vinnie Ferranti drove me there. I had a fucking ski mask, right? And a fucking black hoodie that I, and I stole the ski mask and hoodie from Bradley's because I didn't want,

I don't want anybody to know that I bought it. I wanted to fucking, dude, I created no paper trail. And I had a screwdriver and I was going to put it like, like one of those old timing movies. Like, yeah, stick him up. I was going to do that shit. And I chickened out at the last minute.

And I'm really glad I did, man, because this guy, first of all, this guy would have fucked me up. He was like an old Marine. He was fucking Jack Diesel. There was no way he was going to believe me. I have this shitty voice. So he was going to immediately

recognized my voice. And I was hiding behind the bushes. He came out. He walked right by. I was shaking. I was fucking just shaking. And he walked right into his car. And I, and I just let him go. And I didn't rob him. And I ended up moving to New York City to go to Bure College a few weeks later. And I got that job selling comedy club tickets. And I started making like $500 a week selling comedy club tickets. And that was it. That was enough for me that I was like, all right, well, I don't need to fucking rob a KFC. You know, being 19 making $500 a week, you know, even now, I think for a 19 year old kid, that's pretty decent. But in a weird way, comedy almost saved my life because I didn't, I didn't know, I never

been to a comedy club my life. Not once in my, I never thought about stand-up comedy except for like Def Jam. I used to watch when I was a kid, like Eddie Murphy. But that, you know, making a little bit of dough because I was fucking, I was poor, poor. Like I was welfare. My mom stopped buying me Christmas gifts when I was like 11. I was buying my own school clothes. Like I've worked every day since I was about 11 years old.

I've always had a job. I've always had a way to make money. And it was always very important to me because I watched my mom be on welfare and have food stamps. And I was always very embarrassed and very ashamed of the fact. And I remember when I was really young, maybe seven or eight having the thought, like, what are you doing? Get a fucking job. Like, why are you sitting there smoking cigarettes? You're not doing anything to make money.

You're just collecting a paycheck off of other people that are paying their taxes at a really, really young age. I remember connecting with that thought. So it drove me crazy, too. Like, I don't like nothing. Listen, you got to, if you're going to be a crook, be a crook. At least you're doing something. You're getting a check from somebody once a month under your fucking, you know, I don't forget getting insulted.

They're like, neither that you went to prison. You could claim disability and get a check every month. So every month, I'm just going to sell my soul, but $1,200. That's it. So I don't have to have a job. I can make more fucking $1,200 bucks. At that time, I'm not. I can make four, five thousand a fucking month.

Just walking around being me. I had done it for years. Just being me, walking around four or five thousand dollars. I don't know how I did it every month, but I put it together for years. Yeah, you have some bad months. But when you're living on fucking, like, I would get dressed up in Fort Lee in 85. I've been listening to this album lately, Rat, the second album they put out, not the first one. The second one they put out.

Rat or ATT? Yeah, Rat, with... Percy and the other fucking dudes. And I had this cassette play. In 85, I think of those times, at nights and times when I'm by myself, I'm coming down. I haven't even started to write about those times. That's how close I was to go in a prison for fucking life. Because a job was not even on my horizon.

From February of 85 to July 1st of 85, I pretty much left up. house every morning at nine and whatever happened happened so that four or five thousand never came from like a job at all no I had sometimes I'd get a job for a week here but it's ten dollars and I would it be a laborer you can quantify that because you were spending it on drugs right is that why you know that it was that much I was quantifying it because I was living without an apartment I would be in a hotel for a month okay I was eating three meals out and I'm not talking guys I didn't eat no one's on like that the worst thing I did was a lunch special from a

Chinese restaurant, $6.95 with a, you know what I'm saying? You pick that fucking Seshwan. They give you an egg roll. They give you a bowl of soup. They give you the noodles. They give you the white rice. They give you a fucking... Cold sesame noodles? No, I don't do no fucking cold sesame noodles. But they take care of you in those things.

But I was always eating out. That was the type of guy. I go for a $20 breakfast. I always, you know what I'm saying? So it wasn't even a drug addiction, which you have to add into. It was the $100 a night for a hotel in Fort Lee. Yeah. You know, or I would live in those fucking hotels for a week.

The Manhattan Brobin hotel. You pay. The 275 a fucking week, guys. I was 21. I just told you the story when I fucking went, and I couldn't pay the room. I got thrown out. I went down a Friday night, and I get to the front with the money in my pocket. I made like $200 that day, and I owed him like $160 for the week.

And I get to the window, and the guy's like, we have your stuff. Your stuff isn't. I couldn't get to talk to the lady. So I went outside at a hotel. This is in Fort Lee. And I went to my room and I put the key in, and somebody was in the shower. A couple were in the shower fucking. And I opened the door, and there's her purse, and there's a fucking envelope from the bank in the old days.

That the cash came out. I clipped out. They really made it nice and easy to find somebody's money. Oh, my God. I went to the front. I told the Indian to give me my bag. Okay, I'll leave. I leave.

You go. I fucking hailed. I got a cab. And do you know what I did when I lived in that whole thing? Let me tell you how fucking crazy. I went on a tat because the most fun I had was doing this shit.

I would fucking live in that hotel. You know what I'm talking about. Right off Route 4. When you come over the fucking bridge, all those hotels in Jersey that you hit there. Yeah, I know, I know. I robbed all those hotels.

Not the hotels. I would stay at those hotels. Yeah. But you know all those gas stations? Yeah. When you first hit, there's like six gas stations. What happened? I mean, I know it well because I take the bus over there.

My sister picks me up when I go home now. So, yeah. So one day I'm walking like an asshole in like March of 80. I'm walking like an asshole and I go to the city and I'm and I get a bag of of refuntled on the 171st Street and I walk back over the Lincoln Tower the bridge and I walk and I see a what the fuck I lost my train I thought that cast station I see this Robin hotels I walk I'm on I'm on roof four cars are doing 90 past me coming off the

fucking bridge and I'm walking and all of a sonoco and whatever and the first one I go in and I get some water or something that says help want it I'm like what are you looking for you the guy goes a midnight shift so I said let me do the paperwork so my buddy

you know the now you know the gas station by a Lincoln Tunnel Hess right there we walk and right there it's the last fucking gas station as you're making the

fucking right right to the Lincoln Tunnel to go back into the fucking the city right there I know exactly what you're talking about my buddy was a fuck it's always crazy traffic

always crazy traffic my buddy put himself through fucking MIT working there you ready for this hanging pumps Another forgotten fuck. Another thing that those computers did for you.

I don't let my iPhone. Yeah, that's why now nobody can steal. In the old days, the fucking gas went, tick, tick, tick. You saw the gas move. So when it rains in Jersey, what do they do? They pump your gas. Well, don't they have to anywhere? Today, now they have to.

Anyway, it's all full service. Jersey and fucking Port and Oregon, they have to pump your gas. You don't pump the gas. So my buddy lubes would get the fucking yellow thing and he'd be out there in the rain and the gas station would be crazy. He'd be a sophomore in high school. And he figured out that when fucking some guy comes in and gets $3 worth of gas, that's your $3.

He would pump that $3 and that. And then when Becky comes in and she goes, I want $10, he would pump that same thing in there. So he took $3 from me right off the top. You're not going to get out and argue with him. It's fucking raining now. He did this all night. He put himself through MIT.

You do know that, right? Four nights a week. He was probably robbing for two Gs of fucking night hanging pumps. That's an old forgotten art That can't even do that no more You get killed doing that shit And I knew that he knew the manager So I would tell him to give me the names

The people who got fired for stealing Who the fuck do you people think you're dealing with here So once he clipped me the names I went back to the gas station I said you know what I thought about I don't want the job And I gave one of the names they fired for stealing And the guy

You got another thing on his record now Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Once a thief, always a thief. It's a jungle out there. You know what I'm talking about? What do I give a fuck? I just needed an ID. Guy said, you didn't even check my ID, guys. That's how smooth that was. Just come back to night at midnight and make them laugh a little bit. I train you. You train me, cuck, sucker. And the first night I realized, I thought I was going to sit on my ass all night. It was busy. I hadn't had money in weeks. And also, I'm packing my fucking pockets of 20s and 10.

Like I said to me, every time you got a thousand dollars, drop it. Well, I held down for like $3,000. This is four in the fucking morning. Guess what I did? I fucking locked that door. I put out of business and I walked on with $3,000, okay?

And I took the fucking, he had a bank with all the singles, like the backup chains. I got him for another grand. I left the gas station open for hours. I just walked away. Went home and I go, I got a new career. So I just went to gas station to gas station.

You look at it. And they were all looking for midnight to hey. Who wants to cover that shift? If a guy comes in with a missing eye, you got to give him a shot. What do you give a fuck? You know, that takes you. You're the owner. You got to do this shit. I did it ten times, bro.

Yeah. And then I would call you up and I wouldn't say nothing to you. What are you doing? No, no, I'm at home. Come over to the gas station. Come over to the gas station. And I see you pull up and I go, go, go down and then I just walk right to you and we take off. And I almost got caught one time at the Lombardi gas station and Seac Caucus. That's where I came real close.

The cops were looking for me and everything. But again, it was raining and thunder and lightning and there was all these buses headed to New York. It's a parking ride. So they said, fuck it, what are I going to go to? Who gives a fuck? Let them go. So I never forget I got off on 42nd Street and I bought the Bruce Lee suit from Game of

that shit. You know what I'm saying? So what, did the owner call the cops on you or something? Oh, who knows? I just walked away. Yeah. That was it. Do you sick at the,

let me ask you this, because this is what I, I said this recently on my other podcast, and my friends were giving me shit. But to this day, like, I won't steal, I mean,

I got a kid now. I'm trying to, like, teach my actual real values, and, you know, I'm not trying to be a piece of shit. I'm trying to raise a good kid. But if I see, like, a lot of cash,

like on a table, my instinct, like, just I look at it. I look at it. I want to take that fucking money. Every fucking day. It's like an addiction. It's like I want to take that fucking money.

If you're that stupid, that was always my fucking metaphor. Yeah. When I went out so I wouldn't feel guilty. If you're that stupid, I got to rob you. Yeah. Okay? And you said something very stuff before. The easiest people I robbed, like I don't want people to think I used to rob mothers at their homes.

I fucked up a few things. You know, I'm not going to lie nobody. But my main thing was drug dealers. I loved them. And I loved them when I saw holes because you can't be that. fucking stupid. Yeah. I saw a really good drug dealers, and then I saw guys that I'd sit there and go,

this is going to be like fucking nothing. I had a, you probably ran this scam before because it's an old time. I didn't even know about it, but I had a buddy of mine who did it. And I called my weed dealer. It wasn't even a buddy of mine. This guy I met like twice selling comedy club tickets on the street together. We were like selling tickets. And I was like, oh, I can get weed.

I'll call my buddy. So I call this kid from Brooklyn. He was like, he was like, the kid asked me that I was working with. He's like, oh, you know, I was like, oh, you know, I just sort of buying weed from a couple weeks ago. He was like, all right. So the kid came up, and this guy was a little bit older than I was like 19, 20 at the time. This guy was like maybe 30. You know what I'm saying? But he looked like a man, you know, to young kids. 17 year old white kid comes up to sell me weed. I'm buying weed. He comes up. He just flips open his wallet and goes, please, get up

against the wall. Get up against the wall right now. And the kid, dude, he was like, shit his pants almost. And he was like, oh, shit. Dude, he starts running his pockets, pretending to be the cops and taking his weed. And I started laughing because I thought he was just fucking around. I didn't realize that it was a scam. I was like, oh, he's just fucking around. I know this guy. And this kid looked at me.

He was like, are you fucking idiot? And then it all fell apart. And the kid was like, what the fuck? That could never answer my phone call again. But it would have worked. Like, he was like, dude, I do this all the time. He was like, you get some fucking young teenage kid you're buying weed from. Just rob him.

I was like, they're not going to, you're the cops to them. That's it. You let him off with the morning. That's it. I know a lot of people. I never pulled that one. I had a badge for years, and I got myself out of binds with that badge in certain situations. I just drew...

What was your name? Don't matter. Dick Tracy. Does it fucking matter? Whatever. I even took a business card and cut the head out and put it in there where the cop's thing was. In fact, that's buried somewhere. I buried that.

That's where the fuck that badge is. I never did nothing. I had it for like three years. That's a solid scam. Just rob young kids for their drugs. Drugs. Easy. It's way easier than getting a job at a gas station. Hey, listen, any time you involve guns,

and I always tell people that in the 80s, especially in the 80s, a lot of people got involved in drugs that didn't know. Didn't know the extent of it. Didn't know that at 4 in the morning, people lose their minds. And you have cocaine in their house. They saw it when they went over there.

Yeah. Now they're going to come over there with a story or torment you, or they're going to go over there and take it from you. That's why I didn't like that drug at all. because people, you always left the door open. If people knew where your house was, I know you got it. Because they come over there, we're going to torment you to fucking give it to us.

So, I don't know, I always felt weird like robbing somebody like that. I didn't start robbing. I would rob drug dealers when I'd send them on a mission and rob their house. Yeah. You know, I did shit like that. Then as I got older, when I moved to Colorado, I got Boulder, and I got busted. I got a little boulder, and I got busted. And then when I got out, I went.

went under the radar for a while, and then I went back to Jersey in 94, and I was okay for a few months. I'm not going to tell you I was a saint, but I hooked up with some guys that were robbing like that. And I did like two or three, and I was out. That's a complete different fucking scam, because I don't know what this motherfucker is thinking. Yeah. I don't know what this guy's thinking.

I don't know what this guy's thinking. I always did the shit that was the least risk. You know what I'm saying? Like, I knew that security guards in the mall couldn't touch me, because I worked at Hot Topic when I was 16 and they told us they were like, yeah, you can call security then call the cops and I was like, well can we tackle somebody if they're fucking... No, they can watch

you and go all the way into your car and all that shit. So they get your plate. It's still a fucking nightmare of shake because this guy wants to be a fucking cop. Yeah. This guy wants to really be a cop. So whether he's 16 or not, he's going to try to deploy you or stand in front of your fucking car and try to be free to run them over. Those fucking people are crazy.

Those more security people. They're crazy. Yeah, because they couldn't be real cops. So now they're fucking... fucking nightmare. They salute the flag and they're on. George Zimmerman, that was his mentality. He wanted to be a fucking...

You guys have no fucking idea. I have a friend that thinks he's a fucking, you know, please. It's a fucking nightmare, though. So I get it. The same guy who owned the pizzeria that would have a steal sneakers and golf clubs, this is my relationship ended with him because I was delivering pizzas for him. But then I started making more money doing scams for him. He was like, I want to close my pizzeria.

he was like I was like I don't want to collect the insurance so he was like I'm going to give you guys five thousand dollars each to a 17 year old kid dude five thousand dollars is I mean it sounds like a fucking million dollars it is it is it is Jesus Christ it 17 five that I'd never even thought about that much money before because I'm going to give you guys five thousand dollars each come in douse this place in lighter fluid and gasoline it just fucking light it on fire and that's that and I mean we went as far as we went we had the lighter fluid we hit it behind the pizza while we were working, me and this kid James, and we hid the lighter fluid

behind it, we were going to fucking death. The whole kitchen, the electrical box, boom. And one of the cooks saw us hiding the lighter fluid. And it was like, oh, I don't know. And that made me so paranoid. Yeah, you're done. That I was like, I can't do it. You're on lawn. That's a lawn or that. That's it. One person sees... Anything looks suspicious.

No, saver. I don't see. You know what I mean. But tommy tenia the that's to put in the foffoosa Light of fluid Yeah

Light of fluid I had two Botechus Wee Loe with my Soh That's fucking

hilarious Write that down I think It's time To get an arrest Warren For Mr. Lewis Gomez

Yeah Do he And all soon You break The commercial Lewis is in the fucking room With Jay Ocas

And drop A knowledge And shit Get up Louis Gomez Jerry You're about kicks the table and shit and the Puerto Rican, the Benjamin and Brad Hancock shoe and shit.

You're under arrest for all. I said, Mr. Lowe. What are you talking about? I wasn't at the pizzeria last night. Tell that to the cook. We had a fucking, we had the plan was, we were 18, actually, because I remember we used to go to the bar. It was an 18 and over bar that I ended up working a security out eventually. But we were going to have a fucking, you know, an alibi.

And we were going to go to the bar and we were just going to act. The plan was we were going to act like crazy and wild and let everyone see us crazy drunk, but we weren't going to be drinking. We're going to act like we were just fucking hammered and let everybody see us. We were going to sneak out, jump in the car. It was about a 15-minute drive from Nyack to West Havisher, about 20 minutes. And we're going to fucking light this place on fire, zip back. And that was the whole plan.

We were fucking. They were crazy. They were partying all night. These guys, they were fucking, they were hammered. There's no way they could have left. Again, it's law and order. Ladies, did they look like they could be going to light of fire? No say.

No say. Did anybody see them buy a drink? Can anybody see them by a drink? I didn't really say Tommy. You kept whispering on his friend. I think they called him Louis. Louis Gomez. He sold me a comedy ticket.

Oh, fuck, dude. I do so many little things like that where it could have fucking destroyed my life. It destroys your life, bro. That's it. I could have been... That's 15 fucking years, and you start at Rikers, and they put you through the fucking system, and then you violate because God knows what happens. That's a fuck.

Oh, my God. Every morning I get up, I go, the Lord. Thank you for not fucking involving me. I could have fucking been, I mean, who knows? It's nuts how close. It's fun, though. It's fun.

It's good stories. Let me give some shoutouts here. Waterboxer, Curtis Stilwell, Shroom Factory, Crystal Johnson, loom doggie, Pamela Grant, Buffalo Comedy, my main man, Bobby Lalingis, and John Fantross. Also, my man Matt Baker up there in Bakersfield,

B.J., the shit he taught me is working. You understand? That's it, man. No, listen, I give thanks every fucking day. And I give thanks I didn't really get creepy. When I started to get creepy, I got arrested. And I thank God he put that in my fucking journey. But I loved it.

And I learned to steal when I went as a kid to 148th Street. Those kids stole to survive. But to hang with them, I had to steal. And even though my family had money, I had a steal. And it became fun for me. And then you know what happened? I heard stories about my father. I heard that my father hung out with like a really good pickpocket.

He was the best pickpocket in Cube and all this shit. So in my head it broke me down morally. Like if my dad could hang out with a pickpocket. You know what I'm saying? That's why I don't like your kids hearing about the shit you did because now it changes there. It's okay to steal. Your friend Nikki stole.

I know. That's why when you open those fucking stories up, right away, everything changes because you hung out with Nick and he stole, you know. It's so rough how I have to raise my daughter now. You have to raise your son, you know. We look a little deeper, you know. I tell, we and Lee have conversations about being a parent, how I always want to be home between three and six

because that's when I fucking got in the most trouble. That's when, you know, if there was somebody home, maybe things would have changed. And they wanted to me a little bit more, you know. And there's this shit. you look at because of the shit you did. How easy. You're telling me these stories at 16 to normal people.

This motherfucker was still, you know, he was still jerking off with his little dick and breathing heavy at 16. Oh, I was jerking off everywhere. I know. But I was also stealing. Please don't get me starting to jerking off. You had my blood pressure up all high.

That's why I had to take the other start. Just the thought of things and that you could be honest about them. Because there's days, I think of shit. I see people on Facebook. And I feel guilty, you know. Yeah. But you got to put it behind you. It's not like we ended up in jail.

Yeah. And, you know what? I feel more guilty about when I first started stealing when I was maybe. And I almost learned my lesson for a little while. I was probably like seven. No, maybe a little older, eight or nine. And my buddy, Mike and his brother, Serge, we would go to just the parking lots. And it was simple.

See what cars were open. Whatever's open, clear out the change. Every once in a while, you get a $20 bill in the dash, sport or whatever. We used to just do that regularly. Like that was we, you know, after school we'd meet up. Like, all right, let's go make five, ten bucks for the day, you know. And those kids, it's like one of the most guilty I've ever felt in my entire life. They ended up, I was, I was, I'm Puerto Rican and Italian, but I grew up in a really big, like, white trash area where I grew up. And there's a lot of white kids who would, like, beat me up and call me a spick and a nigger and throw rocks at me.

And I always really wanted their acceptance. And all my family was white. I was raised by, you you know, Italian-Irish people. So I've always had weird, like, racial identity issues. I grew up listening to, like, heavy metal music, and I played in the band. I used to have long hair and an eyeliner. Like, I was in the Maryland Manston and shit. I was like, I was a fucking weird kid, right?

So I, yeah, I would fucking, these kids that I knew, these two kids who, the one kid, Mike, you know, to this day, is actually a really good friend of mine. Him and his brother ended up, just light yourself on fire. I got to watch him. It was birthday.

But the two dark-skinned Hispanics that I hung out with, they went and they robbed this other white kid for my neighborhood's car and took the car phone out of it. This one, car phones were like fucking crazy expensive. And then they keyed up the side of the car. But this kid was a cock suck. He was the fucking worst person in the neighborhood. He was like the wimpiest of all of them, but he was the biggest instigator. So fuck this kid. This kid was a piece of shit.

This kid, Ryan. But my buddy Mike told me They killed me and my brother We fucking keyed this kid's car And we took the phone And like a fucking idiot dude I was one of the acceptance of these fucking white kids I went and told that kid Ryan

That they I ratted my friends out This is like the probably the most guilty I've ever felt about anything in my entire life I ratted my two friends out To some fucking kid Who would call me a spick and a nigger And that's that like fucked me up that was like the worst thing i've ever done in my entire life i could steal

i could almost set a place on fire i could beat somebody up that's the thing that fucked me up the most oh i'm sorry though it's all right now what's that you're off the most i'm sorry though we got fucked up here things happen i cannot tell that story again in its completion she heard it no i heard i heard it i heard you know man i rated my friends out that was what fucked me up First off, you know, life moves on. You always get a second chance, and you always got a second chance to prove yourself. And some people don't want you to prove yourself,

and some people do. And you do whatever you need to do to fucking make the ship smooth. I fucking robbed change from cars when I was 31 years old. I did it every night to get home from 57th and 12. I sold cars down there. So at 8, I creep into the fucking. in service bay and just steal change and I get those tokens and those passes to go with the bridge and tunnel and I go up to and sell them to the cab drivers up at Washington Heights

by Port Authority up there I had the scam down how ashamed was I'd steal chains to get home and then when I couldn't steal change I called my friend Darren Rago and he come over and pick me up and take me into the city we do open mics like the comic strip and like me and he wasn't a comic but he want me to be in the city of them because he'd go get coax and I can speak Spanish. So everything always works itself out. You know what I'm saying? A couple bumps.

He'd drive me to go do comedy. And then he'd drive me back over the tunnel of the fucking bridge. So I still change on fucking cars. How embarrassing is that? 31 years old. How fucking embarrassing is that? So you do things, man, and you're here. You get a second chance.

That's what you do from now. And this is the shit you work on your kids. This is the shit you instilling your kids. You don't want to do it. someday your son's going to hear this. Yeah. You know, and he's going to have to make a decision whether it was okay and not. And hopefully he'll turn out to be a fucking cop.

Yeah. You know, like just be a straight-upist kid. Yeah, absolutely, man. Yeah, you know, it's all bad parenting. That's what it is. You know, I had a shitty mom. My dad wasn't there. That was it.

You know what it's like to take change out of a car and then, like, maybe find, like, a booklet. And now, Becky, in these days, these booklets were, in 94, I forget what it was to go over the tunnel. You know, the bridge, $8 maybe. You know, let's pretend it's 16 now, correct? No, no, it was way cheaper than that because when I started driving, when I was 16, it was four. It was four. This is, that was 97. Yeah, yeah.

Four bucks. I'm estimating 98, 99. No, this is 94. Four bucks. Yeah, three, four bucks. It's definitely not more than four. So if you bought the book, it was. 10 rides for 40 bucks.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, you could buy... You could buy the books. So I'd find those in people's cars. I'd take the whole thing and sell them for half price. So if there was eight tickets left, whatever, I get $16 fucking dollars. But some nights, still $16. I'd go home with like $90.

And right around the corner, from where I'd sell them, was a Coke spot. And they sold grams of cut coke for $25. and grams of a cut coke for $35. And you walked into the apartment, and the guy would call you to like, I'll let you. That means milk swallow, right? And then the Dominican guys, and there'd be two guys in the fucking room,

and they'd have two little bags of Coke with a little tiny electronic scale, and they'd give you a taste of each of it, and you do a little bump and sit across the table. You game the cash. And some nights I go over there, and they would sell you a gram and a half. You know, they'd give you a deal.

And I would get a gram and a half on war. I was so cheap. I would walk over the fucking Lincoln to the bridge, the George Washington Bridge. And at the end of everything, hey, you are three in the morning, snorting Coke, sweating. And all of a sudden it dawned on you that you robbed a fucking change out of a fucking

somebody's car. You know how bad you fucking feel? It's not bad enough that you're out of Coke now and you're coming down and you want to shoot yourself. You just realized what you did to get to this place. And that was the worst thing about to Coke with me. Like, that's the end of the night. night and how bad it was. You didn't do drugs.

No, I mean, I, look, I, I fucked with them, but I didn't, I didn't get, I luckily, I kind of fucking saw a lot of people. I had an ex-girlfriend who was a major heroin addict. My mom, she committed suicide with heroin, so it's like, yeah, it's, fun. Yeah, it's fine. It's fun. No, no, fine. It's not fun. Actually, it was probably a fun way to go.

If you're going to go, I think overdose on heroin is probably better than fucking slicing your wrist at a bathtub, no? You've got an interesting life, Louis Gomez. You've got to write a book. Yeah. You know, shoot a movie, you and Patterson fucking... Sorry about that. That was like a worm in my fucking throat.

Why do you think you guys both went into sales after that? You were in sales, too? What else you gonna do? Yeah. You know, I see these motherfuckers on TV. I got no skills. I got no, what the fuck? You got...

You know, I know the shit I can do. Yeah. But I know a little shit I could do, you know? And over the years, you know, when you're 24, who wants to work, on a roof of 12 bucks an hour. I can't imagine what they pay you now with the, you know, with the, you know, all the minority workers out there. I can't imagine what it's like out there to be out there fighting for your fucking

life now. But eventually you've got to give into doing something illegal somewhere. What did you sell? First thing I saw was newspaper subscriptions. Oh, my fucking God, Joey. Are we the same person? Joey, my first job in my life. That's it.

I'm not making it up because I have fans that know I'm not bullshitting. I used to sell newspaper subscriptions For the Rockland Journal News In parking lots of shit like shop right You go to people hey I want to win a bike I'm in a contest Could you sign up for this

It was a free subscription And I would get $5 for every subscription I got And I was making when I was 11 Making like 400 bucks a week $350 a week More than my mom And my mom was like what the fuck And that's I do

That's fucking crazy to me That was your first job People have no idea The Importance of belly of belly sales People don't have Because without that, you're really not... What's that word that Rambo used? They used on Rambo.

That he was extendable, expendable. Expendable. If you're an engineer and you can't add belly-to-belly sales to your resume, you're expendable, bitch. If you're an IT guy and you can't add belly-to-belly-belly sales to your repertoire, you're expendable, bitch. If you're a fucking painter

and you can't add the belly-to-belly sales, you're expendable. you will always be fucking expendable if you can't do both those jobs. You're belly to belly mean you're actually closed yourself. Like face-to-face. Belly-to-belly sales is basic. I don't listen.

I love computers and I love what it does, but I'm a belly-to-belly. I don't want you texting me. I don't want you fucking bother me. You want to talk to me, you come fucking see me and you sell me. Don't text me. You're having a sale on T-shirts.

You know, I'm an old-school guy. Come tell me why I got to buy your fucking t-shirt. You set an appointment. You're not selling them over the fucking. You're setting an appointment. I believe in all that shit. It's true. That's a special.

You want to get them running your face? And I don't give a fuck. If you go back to doing what you're doing, but you always have that to fall back on. That's why I tell, and I'm told it a thousand times, if I'm still alive and my daughter's 18, I'm going to tell you, go right to fucking Ford dealership and sell cars for a year.

Start there. It'll change your life. It'll change your fucking life. One year, you will not be the same person. You will look at life at 18 from a fucking savagery. That's why when I was selling comedy club tickets, I mean, you're talking belly to belly, man. That's belly to belly of belly.

You're meeting a stranger and you're going, boom, it's four steps. In every sales process, you stop them, you engage them with a smile, you can get questions, find out a little bit about them, inform them about your product, and then you close them. Hold on one second. Lee, you and I had a conversation today about sponsorship. Right. And what did I say to you? I don't even want you to sell them.

What was the word I said I wanted you? Engage them, get them to talk. That's it. That's it. Sales. If you don't engage this motherfucker, that's it. Just engage him on this time. I want you to make a personal note.

You're not even going to sell them. I don't even want you to go in there like you're going to sell them. That's two steps away. I want you to engage them. Just engage them. Get them in hand-to-hand combat. Hand-to-hand combat is, I don't, that's the fucking master reality right here.

Just get him to reply to your email. I was an expendable comedian till I learned hand-to-hand combat. Until I learned hand-to-hand combat. I was a struggling comic, even with movies, till one day I said, you know what? I got to get in there and get down and dirty, and that's what doesn't make you an expendable anything.

Yep. Because you can apply that philosophy to anything to anything. Yep. To anything. So it's a beautiful fucking concept. And I stress it daily. Like, you got a fucking bell. And I tell Lee, Lee's trying.

Lee's trying to, and I'm trying to, you know, Lee, it's a high, the only way you really dig in is you just got to invent people to call. I've never had it. I was a server, but I never had a sales job, really. So this is brand new to me But it's still, look, when you're when you're If you're a good server, the people are making the most money Oh

Are the people who are making the people in the best way Who are getting them to actually you connect with them And you get some sort of emotion out of them So the people that are made me My son's mother she stopped her She was an office manager for a video game publishing company She just wanted to work a few days a week Because she, you know, she had the baby

She went back to waiting tables And it's like that's the one thing I would tell her She was like yeah, it's not even the prettiest girl Who's a waitress It's not the girl who's taking the most tables. The ones who are getting the most tips and making the most money are the people who are, you see the people laughing at their table or they're smiling or there's just some sort of connection going on beyond you giving them their food. So, I mean, that's like a philosophy that I like in every aspect of life, you know, even we're talking about picking up chicks and it's being a game of numbers. Dude, that's that's sales philosophy.

You figure out your ratio, boom, I'll close one out of how many people. I could take Lewis Gomez, okay? Give them a car. Give them five, eight hours. suits. Give them the shiniest shoes in town with a white shirt, with gold collar links.

And I could walk Louis Gomez into any sales staff, anywhere in the country. And within a year, Louis Gomez will be fucking threatening the top two guys in that corporation. Once he figures him out

and learns how to engage him and brings him back to the ballpark. Because what happens is we take ourselves out of the All right. See, Louis and myself have the skill that got you covered. The sales skill we learned, we learned on the street. That's a tremendous, that's a tremendous cushion. That's walking on a fucking tightrope every day. That's not like, oh, so he didn't buy the sneakers. Jesus, I'll have to get him next time he comes in for those Nikes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, that's a complete different fucking patois. And you got to go out to eat. And you got to sell four nickel bags, you know, whatever. That's it. that's it and you gotta tell this guy why your weed is better than hers

10 feet from me I'd buy anything from fucking Becky but he's gonna tell me without insult and Becky why his weed even though it's the same weed

that's his cushion those guys you can't replace I can walk him into any fucking any fucking corporation this guy could sell fucking teepees yeah

TPs my last job I was selling two memberships one year at Equinox, high-end gym memberships. I would never, you know, dealing with fucking millionaires coming into the gym and send them $200 a month gym memberships,

but then go to New York Sports Club and get a $30 a month gym membership. But it was never about the money. It was never, you know, once you learn how to, once you learn the sales process and you have a belief in the sales process, then even the nose become fun. The whole process is part of a game. Right, right. I'm looking for a no.

That's it. Give me another now. Yeah, but I'm engaged. Okay. That's the same thing. I'm engaged. Okay. Hey, watch this. Watch my fucking magic. Watch I come at you with this fucking curb wall. Watch this one.

And it's just amazing. It applies to fucking every level of it. That's a great idea that I have your daughter work in sales for a year. To just understand that, you know. But look, it's not for everybody. Not everybody can sell. People, you have to. I want them to respect it, though.

Yeah. So later on in their life, when they do move forward, they understand the importance of that sell. if they think of opening up a company, they're going to know that it all starts right there. Everything else is fucking bullshit. It all starts right there. You know,

it all starts right there. Whatever marketing attack you got has to start right there. Yeah, some people, they can't, you know, some people can't, it says I think why people can,

like a lot of good comedians have that ability to be able to sell. And it says one of the reasons why me and my son's mother broke up is because she's so practical. And, you know, the idea,

she needs a safety net, Like in my head, I'm going, the safety net is you're not going to starve. You're going to eat. You're going to figure out a way to feed your kid. You're going to figure out a way to pay your rent, you know, almost a belief in the intangible. Like to do comedy and really give it your all and fucking say, I want to be a stand-up comedian, which is just, it's so stupid if you think about what it is. Like, we're just fucking saying words and we're expecting people to give us money for it. Get the fuck out of it.

That's crazy. That's a crazy. Talk about having an intangible thing to sell. It's just our fucking thoughts and words. That's bananas. And you have to almost have this weird belief in yourself and confidence and you have to be able to envision this goal so wholeheartedly that you give yourself to it. And that's why I was always good at sales because I could just, I could say, all right, my goal is, you know, 100 to 40 units this month. I, if I truly believed I was going to get there, all the other shit would just kind of come together, you know?

And I think not a lot of people can envision something like that. It's why I take to a very special person. Most sales people fail, you know, if you go to any, sales is always the highest turnover. It's just nonstop new people, boom. Or they move to somewhere where the grass is greener. Yeah. What happens to salespeople is for a couple of years you get confused and you keep moving to where the grass is green.

The grass is greener. Well, my friend sells computers. No, my friend sells law degrees. No. You have to come over and sell alarms. We're giving them away. We're making six figures. And you keep running for the same.

And at every place you go to, you're a medium salesman. I did it for years. You become a medium salesman. Do you have to really know the product? though? Because, like, I don't know nothing about, I don't know anything about cars. Nothing. Yeah. That's the weirdest thing.

Because they're going to give you what they want. That's, that's when you engage them. They fall into your trap. Yeah, it's, yeah, of course. Let's go get the brochure. What are you looking for? They're going to tell you. When I used to sell gym memberships, and that, I mean, I used to make, I made six

figures selling fucking gym memberships, right? That was my last day job. And, you know, people would come in and, hey, cool, what are you here for? They're just going to tell you everything they want. Wow, we have that. Perfect. I can't believe you'd shot. up here. How perfect is that? So we have exactly what you're looking for. So I mean, any,

that's like a sales trick. That's why it doesn't take people a year to learn the ins and outs of any product. The salesperson comes in when they do a week of training, a week later, boom, they're right there. And then you're going to learn what people's triggers are. That's the best. What you're trigger me? Trigger what gets people going, like about that product. You're going to find out why they're coming in specifically for that product. The buying signs signs and the whole thing. And it just becomes, you become a machine. Are you got home and study it? Well, now I know you're looking for safety.

I know you... You just study it. You just... It's such a beautiful fucking thing when you get into it. It's just doing it for 10 years and being consistent. You have to know when to take vacations and... So, and I know you haven't done it for a while, but... How much money have, like, a $20,000 car does a salesman get?

It all depends. You're working on profit. So you buy a car, the car... I could sell the car for $16. two okay 16 two is what I got in the car I'll take anything over 17 two legal get me my fucking money okay I need a thousand over fucking book you know what a thousand over book gets you it's a mini deal you get $250 flat that's what you get as a salesman if you get like a thousand old let's say you get over that's 25% then they give you like 30

so let's say you go back in there and you get the guy up to 7600 right Now you got a $1,400 profit. And you go back then, Austin, you go back in there one more time and get me $300. Yeah. And you got to go back in there and get another fucking $300. That's how you eat out of fucking living. And you've got to go explain the guy why that car is worth $300. But I tell you, good salesman appreciate it.

When somebody's selling me and they're really good. I love it. I'm like, I'll like, I'll be. My dick's getting hard, though. Keep on going. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I get pissed off when I go somewhere. way with money and I watch how they trade me. Yeah. It destroys my inside. You're bad customer service. I walk out that furious. I'll threaten a fucking McDonald's employee for bad customer service. It's crazy to me. I'm about to give you my money and you're going to be fucking rude. You're going to have bad

customer service. You're not going to actually go through the process of what you have to do in order to take the money out of my hand. I walked out to so many places like restaurants where they have like an attitude when you first walk in the door. I'm like, fuck this whole place. I'll walk right out and I'll go next door to a place that has less good reviews that has less good food. because I think customer service and just right off the top, just having that connection with people

because you're spending money in their establishment, I think it's so important. I think it's lost in big cities. LA is different. You guys are all fucking friendly as shit, dude. New York, I mean, dude, they fucking... Listen, these motherfuckers won't take your money. What?

Go to a vitamin store. Yeah. Go in there just... I've never been treated how I've been treated the last 10 years in this country, across the fucking country. But this place is the worst. Going into places

How they don't even talk to you Hi, how are you? Let us know if we can help you That's it That's it You look at them and go You dumb motherfucking I got $300 dollars

I want to spend my money I want to spend my money Now I'm not even going to spend You're so fucking stupid You're so fucking stupid But I'm not even gonna fucking spend it I went to the fat man store last week Up there at the Panca Canyon

By the Jitsu house And I Me and my wife had a few hours I gotta go up there by two Let's just shoot up there I see what the fat man's store got. I went up there. The guy wasn't bad because I walked in.

He welcomed me. Good morning. You know what you're looking for? I said, not really. I just want to look around. He said, no worries if you have your eye on something. Let me know. He watched what I had in my hand.

He ran over to the clearance rack. And he said, see if you like this. I said, I don't like that. But he goes, there's some other shit. I went over there. And I busted the shirt out tonight to take the Buffalo. He got me a clearance shirt. From then on, I walked with the guy.

Yeah. I got this. I got this. I got that. Asked me for my fat man card, discount card. I threw it at him and everything was hunky d'all. He worked me the right way. He wasn't pressurie.

Motherfuckers that a pressure drive me fucking crazy. There's a way to apply pressure with later. And then you have to think, you know, what do we have to work with here? Those motherfuckers drive me crazy. But if you see somebody doing the actual sales process the right way, it just makes me go like, I fucking appreciate it. You know, I really do. I will buy from a good salesperson. even if I don't even really want to buy it that bad.

I'm like, if I can recognize, let's say I want to buy something and I'm going to come back, you know, later on, even on the phone, you buy like,

fucking, you deal with customer service or you're buying airline tickets or whatever. You know, if somebody does the things the right way, I'm just, just as a point. And I'll let them know.

I was like, you're a really good salesperson. I was like, if they got a manager around, I'll tell the manager, they got a really good salesperson right there. They understand how to do this. So.

I went and got the suits at the Hollywood suit place, and the guy was good. but he made me like do the yelp in front of him which was a little bit weird what but he did the uh he like he actually got me like we like we this put like a level of suits you're supposed to get and he made he got me to go on one up on a level so i spent a little bit more but he was good like it was in and out in like ten minutes but you're a nice guy i think i could sell you anything oh yeah um lee i feel like i could fucking i can sell your size 32 pants and tell you don't worry you'll be there in three weeks i'm saying

I think that even the art of waitressing is salesmanship. Yeah. Like when you go to a high-end, why do I have to go to a high-end restaurant to bump into a fucking good waiter? And 50% of them are fucking droops anyway. But it's different for me because there's no guarantee that they're going to buy at like a store or like a dealership at a restaurant, they're there to eat.

So you just tell them, oh, like when I worked at legal seafoods, I didn't like lobster, but, oh, lobster's delicious. It's the most special thing. But I can tell you didn't believe. that though. No, I didn't. And you might as as well tell him the truth. I don't eat lobster. And I'd appreciate that. You always tell him the truth. I'd way more

I appreciate that because they bought into that. Well, not every time, but yeah. That's what you have to, because most people want to try a lobster. That's why they're there. It's the cockroach of the sea. You feel that? You feel that stuff? Yes. You want a little bloke. No, no, I can't, Joe.

You can't take a little blue thing. No, no, I can't. One more wing. Look at it. I can't. It's 420. Look what you're in. I'm going to get baked. And then it's, I'm going to feel... One more little wing. My guilt. My guilt. My guilt. My guilt.

Dude, I was drinking a half a bottle of whiskey at night and smoking morning, new tonight. I'd be hanging out of my kid. If I ran out of weed, I have to think about how I'm going to go find more weed. Who's drinking whiskey? You just eat a little stuff. Twinkle, twinkle little stuff.

How I wonder who you are. I can't, man. I can't. Just a little bit more. You got one gun. You might as well carry two. You know what I'm saying? You want to do.

Eat another little wing that. I mean, Lee, he'll finish that. A little tiny. What the fuck? It's 420, Cops. There we go. Let's do that. Let's do that. Let's do that.

Go ahead, Lee. Go ahead, Lee. Go ahead. So what? No, it's not a thousand. Yes, it is. He just ate 100. What's a thousand?

I don't know what any of the shit means. Am I going to get big now? Lee, Lee, this is it. Lee, you're breaking your own record. That's it. It's 420. This is it. Dude, it's funny.

I was like that when I walked in, I was like that picture does not look like Lee. And now that picture, picture looks just like me. Go, Lee, go. What the fuck? Get in your hand? Go, Lee, go, Lee, go. Go, Lee,

take the picture. It's over. There you go. Lee, take the, press the button. Oh, God. You're fine. Chew that motherfucker out. Where's the water? Make sure you're dehydrated of it. I'll leave you some aspirin. Go ahead. You're going deep.

You're just sitting in the house. Lee, how many milligrams I hate before I got here, please? If anybody's scared, it's me. Go ahead, swallow the thing. You're going, you're going, damn. Look at the... Lee is baked.

Fuck yeah. This is it, Lee. This is it. You're done for the way. What are you doing tomorrow? I'm not going to say Paula. Go ahead. Nothing now.

What do you got to go out? Nothing. Eat the fucking thing. Where's the water? Drink it, please. What are you embarrassing yourself? I can't believe you sold the newspaper subscriptions. That's crazy.

What I did was... I got a fucking paper route. Yeah. I was one of those guys that got a paper route. And it was a far away paper. I got to walk the 46th Street and it's a hill. I still remember carrying those things. But they gave me a route that the kid got, like he quit.

It was like a great route at one time. And then they're like, this was a great route. What happened? The kid beat it up. Like he was mean and shit. So I took that route. It took me like 60 days. And I doubled it.

I had everybody. Everybody getting that paper. One day they called me, and I want you to take over the zone. Wow. I was like 12, bro. I played basketball.

I don't even think I smoked dope then. I was like alluring to it. I think I tried it for a few weeks. I think I won two of the four weeks, like the zones of knocking on doors and selling them door. I did a door to door. We did it door to door too.

And this Jewish woman called the cop, me and this black kid, we fucking knocked on this woman's door. This fucking cuntie Jewish chick Hasidic Jew in fucking Spring Valley, New York do. We're going door to door. We're trying to make an honest living.

We're kids. You know what I'm saying? Like, this kid's maybe 12. I'm 11. Always remember one thing, okay? And don't ever get confused. I'm not here to judge nobody. Yeah.

When you're trying to make an honest living, you can't show up with a black kid. All right? I'm not even racist. And I'm telling you this right off the bat. I don't care if you're selling cookies, a Catholic Bible, door to door. Yeah.

You show up with a black kid, I'm looking after people and just saying, I don't want none. Yeah. Well, maybe that was my fault. Yeah. Yeah, you can't show up for the black. This one, but here's why she's fucked up, right?

We're like, ding dong. She fucking, she had just gotten in for maybe shopping. Now the more I think about it, we really did look shady. We look like we followed her home from the store. You can't open up that fucking door. At that time, the Jews were at war with the blacks. Remember that shit? Yeah, in Spring Valley, yeah.

But they, well, here's what's fucked up, though, because she fucking comes to the war. She's like, all right, hold on. So we're like, all right, cool. So, you know, we give her a little pitch. Hey, we're with the Rockland Journal newspaper. She's like, she pokes her head out the window. We're like, yeah, we're selling newspaper descriptions. She's like, all right, hold on.

I'll be right out. Like, all right. You know, wait like 10 minutes. Bing bong. Like, hey, miss, you can come out. She's like, yeah, no, no, I'm coming. I'm going to be right there. We're going to talk.

Cops fucking show up a fucking minute later. They pull their guns out. I mean, we're kids, dude. This is crazy. They pull their fucking guns out and we're like, what the fuck? And, you know, they were fucking, they were shitty to us. We were, you know, a black and Hispanic kid in this Jewish neighborhood. We look like we're up to no good.

But, you know, the reality was she kept us there. She, like, we weren't, we would have, hey, no, I'm not interested. The cop says to you, 911, who was there? There's a Hispanic and a fucking, I don't know how to say it. He's a Switzer. And what do they do? I don't know. They're at my door.

You know what I'm saying? And all of a sudden, well, can you hold them there? The offices are right around the corner. I'll be right there. Yeah. Okay, man. And next thing you know, whoop, whoop. And there you are fucking standing there with fucking darky McReynolds

in a Jewish fucking. neighborhood. You're lucky you didn't get shot. You and your friend. Yeah, it was that, yeah, we did it door to door, but the most success I had was in, in the parking lots. Just because it was free. People didn't even have to give us money. Sign up for eight weeks free. The Rockland Journal News, five dollars. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the way to go. Yeah, because they didn't cancel their subscriptions. And then they'd bill them. They never, they'd make it so they, because they were all scam artists. It was all fucking scams back then. Before the internet, before you could yelp somebody and give them a bad review,

it was like, what are they going to do? How are they going to sell? We were going to bill them because we've been sending the fucking paper to their door. They had to write in a letter or some shit to cancel the subscription because nobody would answer the phones and that was that. And they knew they'd make more than $5 off of each subscription they say yes to. I got, I'm sorry.

Couldn't you just fake it and go through the phone book? Oh yeah. We did that all the time. We did that in the wintertime when we were doing it. That's what we would do. Yeah, fuck. It was going and we will just... Because by the time our bosses figured out that it wasn't a real person because they called to confirm, I guess, to make sure

they got it or whatever. I never ordered the paper. Hold on one second. Jane, did you order the paper? No, I didn't order the paper. Tommy, you ordered the paper? No, I didn't order the paper. We didn't order no fucking paper.

Don't call here no more. All right. But, you know, you put a fake number, you put whatever, and, you know, they'd take the commissions back from you. But that's why everyone just get fired in the winter, because you just go and hang out and at McDonald's, you just play fucking the video games at the local arcade or whatever. But, yeah, I mean, I was up, because I was so poor, it was a good thing in a

weird way because they became very, like, industrious. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, I'm like the guy who, you know, I produce all my, I don't trust somebody like him to fucking produce my shit. I make sure that I have my hands and everything. I'm, you know, I'm, I'm kind of like fucking obsessive with like making sure my shit's the way, you know, that I want it done. But it was from a young age, I remember when I was like seven, the first time I ever cared about making money, because then I always do like a lemonade stand or, you know, you'd go, you'd go shoveling snow door to door in the suburbs, you know, because, you know, little old ladies can't shovel their walkways, so make five, ten bucks or

whatever, but there was a guy who died in my neighborhood. And his family, I guess they, you know, they couldn't take all of his furniture and horse shit that he had in his house. So they put it all out on the curb, um, just for the garbage or whatever. So me and this other kid, Nick Giacully, we took all of the furniture that they put out, like everything, like really nice shit, like a nice leather couch, like a nice, like wooden chest. And we moved it over to my yard and we had a yard sale while my mom was at work one day. And we were fucking, we was getting ripped off by adults, the couch. leather couch five dollars i was like yeah five other okay dude fucking we were cleaned out in like two

hours because they were like they were they were actually ripping off little kids in a weird way they should have given us more money but uh i remember that was like the first time i ever was like i like making money i like like like going out and kind of like earning money and i almost became like i mean it wasn't always scams it was it was a lot of times it was just like i always worked you know i'm i used to sweep when i was 11 after i did that job i sort of working at a hair salon sweeping up the in the salon and giving all the girls lunch. I used to jerk off in the salon too, to the girls because they were all hot.

Yeah. Disgusting. Come on. That's where the fork in the road is for me and Joey. You got a lot in common, but just jerking off in public. He's just not into it. Louis Gomez, you're an interesting guy because you're with people, we don't exist no more.

We're called hustlers. Yeah. Your mind's always gone. Yeah. It's a horrible way to fucking live. Yeah. It's a horrible way to live. but your mind's always gone.

Like I could put like that and that's where I learned from drug dealers. I would put them together. I'd be with them for a day. They're watching for two days and I know where they were hiding their shit when they went to pick it up. Who was watching it?

You know, you just figure my mind's always moving like that. Yeah. That's the comedy. Yeah. That's why once we took our mind and reprogramed it to apply to something positive,

we would be successful. Yeah. Because we had been pseudo-sum, successful all along. It was just my personal habits that took me down, the shit that took me down. All along, I made money over the years. I don't know what I made. But I know I think back in my lifestyle, 85, I did not have a fucking job. I did not have a job. I took a job like in April to fucking, uh, with a haughty. And he was building a house in Fort Lee, of Lynnhurst or something. and I would take the bus because the house was only going to be there until like the second week of June.

And I was just taking a chance one day. And I knew I had to leave fucking Jersey. They were closing the doors on me. I had already robbed a ton of those gas stations. I owed some drug dealers money. You know, people had seen me in the city drinking at bars and shit. You know, so I knew eventually I was going to get fucking that. And I got a call from a friend of mine that said that his attorney had a check for me.

from a phony fucking scam I did. Like I fell on my shoulder and shit like that Yeah. And this guy was the shit. Like, he would go to Beckley. Joey, I'm so sorry, man. I'm going to die if I don't piss right now. Go ahead, go ahead.

No, I feel bad to cut off your story, man. Yeah, yeah, dude. I feel really, and I want to hear this. Yeah, hurry up. How are you? Come back. How are you? Fly it over there.

Lee, how you feeling, cock sucker? I'm doing great now. We'll do one of the sponsors real quick here. Let me get the sheet. All right. First off, my number one motherfucker. Honit.com. Supplying the juice.

You're like Joey, what's the juice? Shroom Tech Sport and Shroom Tech immune. Hemp forced protein shakes. The Mike Dolce, almond banana protein, the new protein that Lee already fucking devout in two weeks because it was so fucking yummy for your tummy. You understand me? That's what Honit does for you.

They also have kettlebells and vest and a bunch of great stuff that I can't describe and I would just be bullshing you if I tried to go to honor dot com right now that's the most important thing you're just sitting there by your fucking desk go to on it check out the great deals they have available for you especially the supplements I mean they got everything in there the T supplements just take a look you like anything put it in the drop box

boom 10% off what's it what's the code church CH you are CH gets your 10% off your first order delivered right to your house and if you want this delivered to your house and the cycles, get on the stay on it program. But I'll tell you what, if you're fucking, you know, working out, you're trying to take care of yourself. Onit has something for you, cuckuskers. Go to Onet.com and press in.

Church. C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your Honored deal. Listen, I went to this seminar a few weeks ago on breathing, and then she did it. Dr. Belisa came on on the podcast, and all this breathing stuff that she subscribed, which is fucking working, so I had the great jihih Tzu. which is working. About that. Yeah, get in there, brother.

The root of it when you're sitting there is that you're breathing, and you're kind of go into a meditative state because you're breathing out, you're breathing, and you're moving your pelvis. Even if you're sitting there, you could breathe this way. And what she wants you to do is to get the lower half of your body breathing.

In fact, you've got to go to that girl's 10th planet class, she said, because she's incorporating all that breathing shit in her yoga. But back to, it goes hand in hand with meditation. Now, let's be honest. Most of your problems start with your mind. Fear, anger, stress, anxiety, depression, sleepiness. They begin in your head, and they can wreck your life.

But it doesn't have to be that way. You can make a major difference in just 10 minutes a day. You understand me, 10 minutes a day. This change comes through guided meditation with a new Headspace app. Headspace is meditation made simple. Bam! It's guided meditations you listen to. Whenever you want, wherever you want, right on your phone, computer on your tablet.

You could be on a flight, you can be meditating instead of sitting there looking at disgusting stuff like people. You know what I'm saying? Meditation is rooted in thousands of years of tradition with thousands, thousands of scientific studies that show the positive effects like improving focus and relationship, harmony, and decrease in anxiety and stress. Join over 4 million users already getting headspace for free. That's right now. For free. do me a favor. Download the free Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program

for 10 days of guided meditation at Headspace.com slash Joey. That's right. The Headspace Take10 program is 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy, modern life. So do me a favor. Train your mind for a healthier, less stressed life. Start with your free trial today. Right now, today, at headspace.com slash Joey.

Again, that's headspace.com. slash Joey. You will not be sorry. I've been getting a few emails on this and it's true. It all goes back to breathing and focusing your energies. And if you want to reference Andy Pedicombs Ted Talk, which has over 5.5 million views, it should come up in the Google Andy Pedicom Ted Talk. Andy is the founder of Headspace and the voice you hear on the app. So again, go to headspace.com slash Joey and start your free trial today and get the take 10 program. you. So what was I talking about? Talking about... I have no fucking idea. I'm too high. You know, we got into sales, we got into hustling. The, um,

Scorpade. Oh, we'll do that after we're talking about it. We'll do that at the end. So we close it something. You always want to close it something. You don't leave him a little something, you know what I'm saying? Connor McGregor. Yeah, we got like, uh, three and four, a couple minutes and shit like that.

Uh, no, you're an interesting dude, man. You have nothing to be ashamed about. I think about being ashamed of nights and I go, why? Yeah. Why? I redeem myself. What's a redeeming myself? I'm a productive member of society.

I pay taxes. I don't litter. I stop for old ladies. It's so funny. Like, I stopped a litter. I remember I would just throw a fucking gum rat. Yeah, I did too. That shit is bad.

Yeah. Joe Rogan was the first person who said, you shouldn't litter it. I watched people do it now. My manager littered the other day. It bothers you. It bothers the shit out of you. I was like, you're an adult. What are you doing?

Why are you throwing your fucking gum wrapper on the floor? want to throw a roach on the floor be my guest. Go on the fucking street there where the cars run over and the show like that. There's just so many things that you, you don't even know. You think you're a productive member society until you really become a, and I haven't been a productive member society, maybe like fucking seven years. The rest has been, I've been a destruction. Well, that's why I'm trying to not smoke weed is because I'm not a productive member or

much less of a productive member of society. We've got to do it. If I had more, you got to kick it up a little bit. No, but I'm going to blame a reefer. I'm not blaming a reefer. Don't blame the reef. No. Blame the funk.

No, weed is great for everybody. Blame the funk. Don't blame the refut. I'm not good when I, you know that anxiety you feel in life? All day. All day. I try to smoke it away instead of doing the shit I got to do. You know what I'm saying?

Like, that's my body going, hey, dude, you need to fucking work. You need to hustle. You need to get on TV. You need to be successful. You need to give your son a good life. And then I'm like, well, you know what? Let me get high, so I don't feel that. And then I don't do what I need to do.

Let me explain some tea. You've been a hustle all your life. Yeah. You've been teeter totting on the side of society. You love it, but not really. God gave you a blessing. Weed balance that all out for you. Weed makes you feel a little dirty and you ain't doing nothing.

Weed makes you feel like ate somebody's asshole and you don't even know. I just want to, if I can get a fucking, I promise you as soon as I'm successful, I will smoke weed every night. It'll be great. It's like becoming a Catholic after, you know what I'm saying? It's like me giving you $10 million. Now you want to go to church. You hypocrite motherfucker. Now you want to come back to your 10 million?

Where were you when you were poor? What were you when you needed it? You're fuck. Believe me, if I wouldn't get up and just want to smoke all day long and just fucking not do what I need to do. What about smoking and being productive at the same time? I have had times where I have been, but it's like, dude, the way I feel now that I'm not getting baked all day,

it's like I'm fucking there. I finish projects, dude. I finish, I mean, I never would finish a script. I would always take me a year to finish a fucking script. Now I'm actually writing at a high level. I'm myself. I can have a conversation with you, make eye contact as opposed to fucking, you know, just getting in my head.

I don't know, man. It was like, uh, it was fucking with you. Then give it a breather. That's it. Yeah. It's fucking. It was fucking. It was fucking.

The time you're going to jump in the Hudson River. Here's what I tell you. This is a commitment that I'm going to make because I'm not going to smoke weed and I want to commit something. You're a good man. I got a man. I try to, you know, I'm trying to really do this right way. When I come to L.A.

With you, I'll eat a corner of a star. That'll, that'll be what I, it'll be when I'm with Joey Diaz. I'll take a fucking little nibble of a star to get me fucking right here. To be honest, I feel nice right now. I can't tell you how other motherfuckers avoid this. So I applaud you because you came out here

and you said, you know what, and you told me your story, and I appreciate it, but not tonight. Not tonight. If you were some white dude from Iowa, I accept it. You're from the same hood. We drank the same water.

Listen, I had my struggles to. And finally you just break down and go, this is what I'm going to do and this is what I can't do. when you come to church, you got to eat the Eucharist. Right or wrong, right? You ever go to church and sit there like a fucking half a fag? You put five in the basket, but you're not going to get something out of the deal.

Not even a blessing from the fault. Body of Christ, the body of Christ. Same fucking thing. This is the body of Christ. Oh, a little body of Christ. Fucking St. Lazaro showed up. You know how strong this is from Steve Simone? I grew up with it.

Listen, I'm Cuban. And I will have my friends from grammar school calling from all and say, what do you remember my house? and they'll go, good fucking six-foot St. Lazaro in your fucking living room. So my mom was that Cuban. Let me see this thing for a second. Let me tell you what. Looks like Ari Shafir.

It does look like Ari Shafir. These dogs are supposed to be labs. A black lab and a gold lab. Okay. He's got scars all over him. And it's leprosy. And these dogs licked his leprosy away. So he became their patron saint.

They celebrate this guy in Cuba on December 17th. This is how deep my mom was. She bought this motherfucker a cape. A purple cage, right? And it was wrapped around his shoulders. And then she said he's missing something. So she went and got a 14-carried gold. You want to talk about being a speck?

Because there's only two people who do this type of shit. Yeah. And we'll just say it right out. Spick and niggas are the only people. The only people I look at a saint in the living room and go, that motherfucker needs something. You know what he means? A 14-carried gold

fucking one of those things That shines around your head When you're a saint. So this motherfucker had a halo My mother had a halo made for him And the purple cape And then they said Fuck it, he's missing something else

So they went and got him a gold train And then in front of him They'd have bottles of wine With glasses with cigars Because on a certain day of the week You gotta go over light Your fucking cigar blow That's something like

and put the cigar down. You don't know, I lived in this house. You don't know how many times I ran on those stairs and I shit my pants. It took three people to carry this motherfucker in the house. The base alone weighed like 300 pounds. Okay, so you'd have to pick him up and then take now the fucking muletas

came off the, what do you call these things? The crutches. We had the crutches that came off from his arms and then his arms came off, and you carried him. His head stayed on. One night my fucking sophomore year in September, I have a party. And one of my buddies is upstairs banging this chick. And her boyfriend comes looking for her.

And the guy was a senior football player, Eddie Borelli. I'll never forget this. Came into my living room. He goes, hey, anybody see this chick? And everybody goes, we don't know nothing. And she was upstairs with Louis de Nigger. She was upstairs with the only, he was Dominican. Okay, you grew up in Jersey.

He was the only Dominican in 1979. Yeah. He had an Afro. So those white kids, Dominican, was it Dominican? He's a nigger. Yeah. You know, they didn't understand.

It was so backwards. Louis Nigger was upstairs giving it to her. Eddie Borelli's downstairs asking for where she is. And then all of a sudden, in the back of his mind, he goes, where's Louis the nigger? And we go, he left an hour. He goes, I want to look around the house. And this thing was standing there, this thing was saying, There was a table and there was a patio door that you opened up Jersey style to your backyard.

And they came in through the kitchen. I'll never forget there was this kid, Chris Donovan. He was redhead and he had freckles. So Denny Colangelo used to call him the Riddler. Oh my God, you have no idea. So after everything Denny would say, he'd go, what's the story? We're going to go for hamburgers. You win?

You in? Ridler. You in and Riddler? So for a year, he lived under the Riddler rain. And that night, he went over and he goes, Eddie, you can't come into Coco's house and ask for this shit. So I advise you to go. And Eddie Burley goes, what if I don't? Chris Donovan turned around and took one of the muletas.

And he goes, I'll break this over your fucking head. You step here again. And that was the end. These motherfuckers look to each other. I was shit in the pickle. My heart was pounding. My mom was in Miami trying to sell her property. And I threw a fucking party.

And now they're going to break the fucking muleta in my living room. I will be dead if St. Lazaro breaks. Are you fucking kidding me? I will be dead. And they walked out of it and that was the end of that war. I get stressed out.

Just thinking about it. How are you doing, Louis Lamor? What's going on over there? How's it feel he'd fucking 920 milibre? No, it's not a thousand. He ate like a little piece. He ate two tails. Don't throw him under the fucking flame.

Yeah, I went pretty hard. He went deep, you know. into the murky waters of the underworld. Why are you there? Why are you there? You didn't even know a fucking thousand. I ate like 1,100 today. I had a bunch of samples.

That's cool. How was it? You get tacos? No, I didn't want to get that for the tacos. As I was getting there, they were cooking the tacos, and they were giving you tickets for ice cream. The place was fucking packed. They had food trucks at them.

Tom Eustor said they had the grilled cheese truck. I saw a girl cheese chuck today with a line like a block long. Is that like a big thing out here? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Because in New York, it's the fucking shitty halal street meet. There's a couple of them in Midtown by the Sirius XM building.

Nobody's smoking dope, though, in the street. No. No, no, not at all. But no, no, no, they're packed just in general. Yeah, in New York, dude, I got a ticket for, I got arrested. Dude, I got arrested for fucking smoking weed. That's why I can't go into Canada, because I've been arrested for smoking weed too many times. I went to Montreal Comedy Festival this past year.

I was like, they let me in. I got a fucking thing that I had to pay $200 for a temporary residency visa. They're like, just listen, don't get in trouble again. Me, Dave Smith, and these two chicks were out of a bar, smoking a bowl. These cops came up to us. This how fucked up cops are to Hispanic people. They didn't even know. These guys didn't even give a fuck.

This is how racist these cops were. And I'm not a guy that calls racism. I get called racist. I'm not a guy that's out there going, oh, cops are fucking racist. Dude, this fucking cop, he goes to my buddy Dave. He grabbed the ball from my husband. He was like, all right, and he saw Dave put the weed in his pocket. He was like, do you have weed in that pocket right there?

They was like, nope. He was, I'm going to ask you one more time, okay? And this is very important you answer this question, honestly. Do you have weed in that pocket right there? Dave's like, nope. He's like, oh, you want to lie to me? And then he grabs me by my shoulder. He goes, your buddy's coming in with me.

Boom. And they put the handcuffs behind me. They let him keep the fucking weed, dude. They brought me in. I got out in like four hours. It wasn't a big deal. During the Montreal comedy. No, no, no.

This is in New York. to the fact. Oh, Jesus. Oh, dude, during the festival, I would have fucking killed me before he you showcase. But, dude, now I can't go back. Now I'm done. Done with Canada. Over weed. Unbelievable. Louis Gomez, I don't tell this to anybody. Anytime you're in town, you're a guest on here. Oh, I love it. You have just become family time because you blew my mind. You're the last of the Mohicans. Thank God. Lee saw some other guy. We think I'm making this shit out of my mind when I talk. He would smell your hand and it smells like a ass.

It's my left hand You know what I'm saying? You did you do? Yeah, but I went home and took a shower I did a thousand things You know every time I walk in and out I wash my fucking hands You gotta wash your hands before you piss

I do Yeah, I didn't know that I didn't know that But that's the biggest way that HPV is spread I wish my hand I watch You shake your hands with somebody And then you can touch your dick And you wash your hands afterwards

I never thought about that Yeah, dude My doctor told me that Because I thought I don't know that shit Yeah That's the first thing I do When I'm the next morning When I get in the car

I sanitize the steering wheel because I'm out all night, shaking hands and shit. And as you're shaking people's hands, you can feel that they fingered somebody. They got that dry juice on their finger and shit. This is fucking disgusting. And the first thing you do before you touch your dick or anything, you got to wash your hands with hot, hot, hot water. Like, you got to go, ah, and then put cold water, and then, ah, and then soap it up again, and get the fingers. You will bring your hands off then.

What? As often as you have to go to the bathroom in the... No, you got to wash your hands every time. Well, I don't get crazy hot water. That's his thing. Yeah, you got to burn that. You got to burn that motherfucker. Why use some hot water?

Yeah. You got to burn that motherfucker. That's how they kill the germs for sure. Those germs are coming over now. This ain't no fucking duck walk. I think you're all lying. I think everyone here is masturbated on an airplane and it's bugging me. I thought everyone's going to look.

Oh, yeah, I get it. Yeah, completely. You guys looked at me like I'm a fucking asshole. To take your dick out on a plane is unhurmed. of and just whack off. Now, if you're going to fuck somebody or get a blowjob in a seat, I'm with you 10050%. No, in the bathroom, though, not just

in your seat. No, that's just, it's even more disgusting. That is the most uncomfortable fucking thing that's ever even a curse. It smells like shit. Oh, it smells like that. There's cameras. They're watching you for sure. They're not watching you in the bathrooms. They're watching you for sure. I'm telling you. We got too much money invested for them not

to be, it's like Las Vegas. They can't lose those plans. They want to make sure if they see somebody going in there strapping something, they see it. Trust me. Can you Google that? Can you that's funny? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're going to tell you that shit because they're not stupid. I've never even heard this conspiracy.

That creepy shit, you have to, listen, it's not a conspiracy. This is how you have to assume. Go and next time you go in that fucking bathroom, why is that mirror so wide? When you go to Las Vegas, the mirror is like this. Whenever you go in the bathroom on a plane in the front by the pilot,

that mirror is completely. wide all the way to the end. I think you have to assume every inch of that plane is on camera. I assume all that shit and I have been... But we've had, we've had terrorist attacks. We've had terrorist attacks. We've had the guy with the fucking sneakers in them playing afterwards. There's no cameras on any of those planes.

And now I bet there are. I would bet. You'd see them. There's not invisible cameras. You'll have to assume. There's something going on in those planes. You have to assume there's something going on, those airports. There's too much money invested in a flight business for a plane to go.

down the United States right now. It would just to throw us. Yeah. It would just kill us. There's too much. I'm telling you right now. They's pick me up jerking off on the black box. Okay.

I'm telling you right now that they've got four miles from every airplane from every airport is under fucking strict surveillance. Four miles. Oh, yeah. I believe that. Bumper. You can't do anything in those four fucking blocks. If they see you doing something suspicious, they will call a black and white, like a non-year. But they have those four blocks that TSA the NCA the FBI those four miles around LAX are wide for sound

Don't think that I every time I take my dick out and piss when I get out because when you get the LAX it's 40 minutes 30 minutes You had coffee when I fuck the first thing I do is I open the door and take my dick on me believe I'm looking through my luggage I'm peeing I'm peeing I'm peeing I'm that coffee's coming out of me that fucking almond milk smoothie that's coming out of me and I know that if I sit there for a couple more minutes, somebody's going to show up. A cop will mysteriously show up. They always do. Yeah.

They always do because that's under all. They got to watch those parking garages. I know what they tell you. That's against the law. I know. Against who's law? Against whose fucking law? You have to assume.

Yeah. When you go to Las Vegas, I had a friend who got arrested doing a bump in the bathroom store. Really? They had them on tape. They had them on tape from above. That's your privacy.

You think they'd give a fuck? Oh, but I thought public bathrooms, they can't have cameras. They can't do nothing. Again, you have to fucking assume. I'm going to Vegas tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. So while you're there and you jerk off in the closet, they got somebody watching you there, too. We got a freak on the 12th floor again.

Is there an M-track from L.A. to Vegas? No. Or no train. It's only a six-hour fucking bus ride? You can just rent a car? I don't drive. I haven't had a license since I was 18. Yeah.

I didn't want to hear this fucking story. Because I know this is a doozy. You got caught Wacking off in the trunk in the summer. You had them Taco Bell, you know. No, it wasn't. It was, I moved to New York City. You don't need a car in the city. So that was it.

I had unpaid tickets. And it just got suspended. And that was that. But now they got, like, this chick was telling me last night, they have, like, Airbnb for cars. You go to a city and you just rent somebody's car for them for, for like a third of the cost that costs to rent a car.

Yeah. Yeah. The one's called like Lux, I think. I know. Lees only jump on that bandwagon. No, because they have things where you can... He's going to call and make them your new sponsor now that we put them through sales training. They have, um...

They have things now where you can get free airport parking. And then they rent your car out when you're gone. And then you supposedly get paid, too. If they rent your car out. People are selling their soles for a buck now. They don't give a fuck, Jack. They don't give a fuck. Louis Gomez, anytime you're in town,

I know you've got to get to the comedy store. It's 820 already. Cousins with 420. You know what I'm saying? There you go. What do you think of dealing with here? Joey bananas. Joe, you're the fucking, you're the man, dude.

You're the man. When you're in New York, man, please come on Legion of Skanks. You guys do Saturdays, right? No, we do Tuesdays and Wednesdays. That's the problem. I'm not in New York, Tuesdays and fucking Wednesdays. I mean, no, no, no, let me rephrase this. If you come on a Saturday, just let me know.

We'll just do a pre-tape. We'll make it work. man okay you know i mean you're you're a guy who we've get you know tons of requests for i mean you know it's fucking joey d's you're a legend i come on with lee in september we'll fucking a hundred percent you guys open a leo be in training by that time he'll be at 1600 milligrams to open he's just showing up with fucking eight stars like listen like if we don't have eight stars they're gonna have to make bigger stores yeah oh no we're going we're thinking about the lees iat deluxe edition thousand milligrams a thousand milligrams of a picture of israel

Who's better than fucking... Israeli flag or what? Huh? Look at the Israeli flag or what? We haven't decided yet. There's a mountain top I like. I'm sure. Listen, every fucking week, I talk to different people.

From Dean Del Rey to a friend of mine and fucking in San Diego, her and her husband, they go to thousands of games. And they're always hustling prices. I know a couple up in Pasadena, my daughter's godmother. They got three kids. They go to Laker Games. They go to all that stuff. Let me tell you something.

If you're looking for tickets for concerts, games, I mean, anything like that, do me a favor. What's the next big event you want to go to? All right, Black Sabbath. Maybe you want to go to Kobe's thing. Maybe you want to go to the Dodgers against San Francisco. Whatever it is, you can bet that someone is going to pay less for better seats. how they use score big. You're paying too much for tickets

between all the markups and the last minute convenience charges, even print at home fees. You end up paying court side prices for nosebleed seats. Score big is here to change that. Do you know that 40% of all live events go unsold? And did you know that there's a place to get these seats and huge savings? It's called Score Big.

Score Big works directly with your favorite teams and artists to get their unsold seats. and unpublished prices. All right, only Score Big. You can name a ticket price and be guaranteed to pay below box office up to 60% off. That's right.

60% off. That's right. 60% off. Bring that beat back. Here's what you do. One, you go to scorebig.com or download the new ScoreBig app for your iPhone and find the event

and seats that you want. Takes a few minutes, boom, boom, boom. Two, make an offer on ScoreBee. Big's name a ticket price feature. All right. Three, get an instant answer and save up to 60% on your ticket. Never any fees and shipping is always free. You can count on unbeatable prices and great seats.

And when you're in great seats, you actually enjoy the game or the show all the more. So do me a favor. Next time you go see any game or show, go to ScoreBig first and see how much you can save. For the easiest way to save on tickets, download the new ScoreBig app. Right now. Right now. Don't fuck around. This is a fucking, this is unbelievable. Score Big app for your iPhone. Enter promo code Joey at checkout. Joey, J-O-E-Y at checkout and you'll save an extra $20 off your first ticket purchase, all right? That's what I'm doing for you tonight, cock suckers. No iPhone, no problem. No speaking, no Spanish. Get $20 offline too at scorebig.com. That score big.com promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That score big.com. That score big.com. dot com promo joe joey your motherfucker's got me with the time one more I love headspace

I love score big and I love honor thank you for sponsoring the show I love Louis Gomez he's a fucking soldier of debt I love Lisa and always I love the beautiful Becky Ramos for them what I'm fucking I love it I love you brother I love you cocksuckers I'm in Buffalo

tomorrow night Friday and Saturday where's my man where are you at this weekend? All right, I'm going to be, well, this week, I'm just doing one spot in Vegas, but go May 13th, Legion of Skanks presents. Where are you in Vegas? I'm doing a spot.

It's just a guest spot at, the Planta Hollywood in the mall, there's a spot. Edward Sand Woman? I don't know. Okay, I want to pump that for you, but fuck that. Bring that beat back. Legion of Skanks, I'm sorry.

Legion of Skanks presents May 13th, Lewis J. Gomez, Dave Smith, with special guest Dan Soder at the Hustler Club in Detroit. That's going to be a fucking killer show. Obviously, all my other dates, New York City dates, everything on Gomezcom. Check out Legion of Skanks. Check out The Countdown on Sirius XM, Rush 93, myself, and Michael Bisping, every Thursday, 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Oh, and the real-ass podcast, my fucking, my illegitimate child podcast, which we fucking, this is, that's a little more like this. We go fucking deep. It's not just craziness like Legion of Skanks. That's GasDigital Network.com, brand new network we started every Friday at 12 noon. There you go. I'm in Buffalo. Tomorrow night, cock suckers. Tomorrow night's tonight.

Jazzed up, star the debt. Friday is next week, Indianapolis. And don't forget the Luslinemit, Full Fronto Comedy, Full Fronto podcast. Look at the shape of this fucking truth. I'm not sure what you're talking about. It don't fucking matter. I love you guys. We're going to talk again Monday night, 8 p.m.

We got a surprise guest coming in. Thank you again for 420. Whatever the fuck you're doing. Get Stone to the Gills. I love it. you stay black. Good, thanks, man. Thank you, my brother.

I really mean that was fucking great. We don't fuck around here. This show is brought to you by ScoreBig. Next time you go see any gamer show, go to ScoreBig first, and see how much you can save. The easiest way to save on tickets? Download the new ScoreBig app on your iPhone. Enter promo code Joey at checkout, and you'll save an extra $20 off of your first ticket purchase. You don't have an iPhone?

That's fine. Just go to scorebig.com and use promo code Joey. That's scorebig.com. promo code Joey. Show is also brought to you by Headspace.com. Go to Headspace.com and download their free Headspace app and begin the

Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation right now. That's Headspace.com slash Joey and download their free Headspace app and begin the Take 10 10 program right now. The show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use promo code church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products

like Alvabrain, New Mood, and Strong Bone. Amen. Oh shit, a little aerosmith for you, cock suckers. Little seasons of wither. What? What you take that?