The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #375 - Kira Soltanovich

Episode Date: April 28, 2016

Kira Soltanovich, Comedian who's One Hour Special "You Did This To Me" that Kira shot 7 months pregnant premieres May 2nd on Amazon and other streaming platforms. This podcast is brought to you by:   Tracker - Go to Thetracker.com and use code word "church" for 30% off of your entire order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 04/27/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Tracker. Never lose anything again with Tracker. Go to theTracker.com. That's theTracker.com. T-H-E-Tracker.com. And save 30% off of your entire order. That's right. Your entire order, you save 30% when you go to Tracker.com and use promo code church. That's Tracker.com promo code church. And the show is brought to you by Onet.com. Go to Onet.com and use Codeword Church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products like AlfaBrain, New Moot, Shroom Tech, and Shroom Tech Sport. shit. Fucking smooth tonight. Fucking Jen.

Little Keith Richards gets your fucking blood going. Churchill, what's happening now? April 27. Oh shit. 2016, I hope. Jesus fucking Christ. This is too fucking much.

Strap a pair, motherfuckers. We're coming at you big tonight. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here with my main man Lysayat. Hey. My main Kaira Sultanovich. What are you fucking nuts or what? Is it Kira or Kira?

It is Kira, but I told you I let you and one of the person get away. And she's Dominican, so I let the Cuban and the Dominican get away with Kaira. I used to know a Spanish girl that her name was Kira and she was fucking dynamite. Her and her family were really dynamite. When I first got into Kami, the parents had like a Mexican restaurant. on top of the Boulder and Boulder on the U district. I never know what happened to those people. We had a couple sisters, a couple brothers.

So she was a Kira or a Kira? Kira. She was a Kira. She had a great sense of humor. And she'd always meet him, make the tacos. And I'd giggle while I was there with her and shit. My wife worked upstairs, so there was no drama. There was no pressure.

We could just be ourselves. We used to just giggle all the time. A dad would get involved in the conversations and argue. and I would just go in there to light her up. Yeah. I would go in there until she'd asked me to leave. Because we'd get into it about music. I don't forget who she liked.

I just fucking hate it, like Springsteen or something. And I'd go in there with facts and just blow her fucking mind. But I see you liking a lot of music. And that's not in a bad way. No, I do like a lot of music. I feel like you have a pretty wide array palette of music. Now, did you hate that music because she liked? liked it? Was it like something that you just hated because she liked it or no?

I don't remember what the argument was about. But when it comes to music, I will go home and plot your fucking demise. Do you understand? I think I listen to terrible music. Well, it's not even about, I don't care about terrible music. It's somebody sticks up to me, like steps up. Like a couple weeks ago, I was on a meeting with some people, and this woman said something about Adele. And I had to lay into it because of what happened at the Academy. You had to lay into it. Whatever happened when the, you know, as I'm watching this, I see this fucking chick, it's horrible. And the voice is horrible and everything is horrible.

And I don't make, you know, I know, I know music. I've been to enough concerts to know that there's no concert that's 100%. The walls, everything adds. Even as a comic, sometimes you go into a theater and you go watch a comic in a theater, and you're like, this is fucking terrible. That's why I don't like theaters. Because it's such a big fucking gap. Yeah.

You know, there's nothing like going to see any type of show, and the sound is not right. you get irritated. It's not about the $22 or the $35. It's about, I can't even listen to this. I'm getting a fucking headache. It's amazing how much that matters. I went to see a show and the lights were on took me completely out of it. It's a great comedian who I love, but the lights were on the whole show for some awful reason.

In the audience. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's like sex. Look, it's okay to have a little bit of light, but it's nice when it's dark, you know, but put you in the mood. I did a show recently where I had. three comics ahead of me and I had to tell the guy that put the show together

I go, I'm begging you, please. Can you please? So Owen Smith? Owen Smith was on stage. I go, please, I'm begging you. Can you turn the lights down in the audience? Well, Owen's on. I go, he will not mind.

He will actually thank whoever is doing this. Trust me. Just trust me. And I had to beg this guy and he finally turned the lights down in the audience. And Owen was like, thank you so much for making this into a real comedy room now. instead of, you know, like a corporate, you know, luncheon, it makes a huge difference.

When you were a child, when you were a funny child, did you step out in class and crack jokes? Yeah, yeah. See, that was you, you all solely? I didn't. I like to be like a little bit, but not like comedians. I had like a little joke that I would say quietly so a couple people could hear. But I was always, I was always like a class clown. That was more me, like not jokes.

Like I wasn't a class clown, but I would get irritated. I would get irritated in the same way I would get irritated now and I would get irritated on the bus and I would go off on the bus constantly as a kid. About what? Eight minutes into it I go off on a bus

and that's a people laugh. And then you go off in front of your hangout, your deli. So we had a deli and we hung out in front of the deli and I had to be honest with you like if there was a circle of six, three of these guys could have been

top-notch comedians. Yeah. hysterical. And you had to pick things and what you said better be fucking good. Because you only get one shot of this. Yeah. And if you get the limelight and you get them rolling, you got the stage. How long you get them rolling, that's street comedy.

So it's kind of weird. You know, I really envy people who grew up like that. My friends that I grew up with that I'm still best friends now. You know, we're in each other's weddings. You know, I mean, we vacation together. You know, we're all best friends still. None of them ever wanted to be funny or be a comic or even, I mean, honestly, even public speaking, probably scared the hell out. I grew up with such an interesting group of girls.

I'm the only one in that group. I don't know. Maybe that's, I attracted them to me because maybe I didn't want the competition. I don't know, but a lot of comics. Well, it's balance. Listen, I have my comedian friends. Yeah. But if I have my choice, right now, my one.

life, I go to Jiu-Jitza at 12 o'clock. And then my balance, because nobody talks to me about comedy. I'm just a fat white belt. A fat, sweaty white belt. He smells like hamburgers and fucking reef of this kid. You know, so it balances it out. I don't want to hang out with comedians all day and be dueling for your life. At one part of your career,

from the three to eight-year mark, you need to live in an apartment with four comedians. You need to be around comedians because that's how you dive yourself in there. That's how you, there's a word, you sink yourself into the lifestyle. Immerse yourself. Emers yourself. And then you grow as a human being

and you get an apartment. You find a wife a significant other. My point was this, that it's funny. This is why I like it dark. That's the Lord talking to us about. And it's really weird. You ever see the movie? What's the movie with Al Pacino

when he's a football coach? Any given Sunday? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a long time ago. Interesting line in that, Cure. And I used to host at the store. That's how I used to see a young Kira at the store. Yeah. Kira, Kira, doing her thing.

A really pretty Kira, but very unassuming, very quiet. You weren't slutty. You didn't say much. No. You only spoke if you were spoken to. You know, I used to watch you. I'm a big watcher. I may not talk to you, but I'm watching.

All right? That's just my nature. I may not talk to you. I may not fucking even like you. But I'm watching. You may be the fucking ugliest girl in the room and there's a hot girl, but I'm watching you. Because you're interesting to me that there's a hot chick over there with one momo, and you're a fat chick with fucking heels on there, six guys chasing around you.

You follow me? So you're doing something right. That fucking chick over there that thinks she's hot and she's got good pussy, she's doing it wrong. You follow? I've always liked people. Like, when I first got to the story, used to what? Dice. Yeah.

A little secret about Dice. You know what Dives, drives dice crazy? What? You don't talk to. Oh. Oh. So he'd be by the stairs. Go ahead.

Close your eyes. Ninety eight. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he'd hold court. I'd stand by the sign. There could be 80 fucking people over there.

I would stand by the sign. After an hour, you have to have to get up and walk over and go, what's up? Because you got these 80 people. Yeah. Why don't you have that one? You know what I'm saying? It's the same thing with a girl. I'm an ugly dude, but I've pulled some tail in my life, not because I'm good looking because it's psychology.

She comes in, everybody's lighting her cigarette. When she walks by me, I spit on the fucking floor. She's going to turn her back and go, what's going on? Everybody loves my fucking tithies, but you haven't been to said a word about it. I don't give a fuck about you. She's going to go get a drink, get a cigarette, and come to war and sell me her pussy, even though she don't want to give it to me. You follow me, and the more I walk back, she's going to go, everybody in this place wants my pussy, but this fat motherfucker, he's got the answer. He's got the answer to my problems.

It's so weird how psychology works. Yeah. In any given Sunday, he's losing the black quarterback, Jamie Fox. Right. And he takes him aside and he goes, listen, this ain't no big deal. He goes, you're in front of 80,000 people today, but this ain't no big deal. I want you to think about being at home. One play left.

Your mom just called you got to go home for dinner. You got one play. What's the guy say? Run to the Cadillac and hook a fucking left. When I heard that, I remember going to the store. appreciating the storm because I don't have to see these people. For me to go on a row, I got to go back to 88th Street Park. I got to go back to 82nd Street Park. I can't stand straight. I got to stand sideways. Right. I know these things. Once I stand sideways and start

talking this way, my head's that way, but I'm standing sideways. I'm on 88 Street Park. I'm an 82nd street on the corner. I would always look that way because cars are coming this way. I don't want no car to hit a car and hit me. You know what I'm saying? You got to pay attention. You might cracking jokes, so it really made sense to me. That's why I don't like the lights on, because I don't have to fucking see these people. I don't have to see them fucking judge me. The wall. You know what the wall's about?

The wall's about, he made a statement when that after a show. I wish I could do a fucking show with a wall between me and the fans. Are you serious? Yeah. He said that? That's how it all started. Oh, my God. I didn't know that.

Now, what do people, do you think people respond to that, though? Well, if you, we discussed it a couple weeks ago, the concert to war, the actual 80, the 1890 concert, they performed all four sides of the album. Yeah. But while they're performing midgets dressed as fucking whatever the fuck they are, a building a wall around them. Yeah. So finally, a wall's in front of them. And then for comfortably numb, Dave Gilmore plays the solo on top of the wall. And then the wall comes down and there's a couple of songs.

after the wall comes down and that's the fucking story. It's interesting to me that you you were like a funny like you tried to be funny but then you're also like watching because I associate watching with being an introvert yes which I don't on the outside you don't seem like it but you're both

like I'm I'm 100% like 99% introvert Listen for 32 years I thought it was retarded I would be embarrassed to make this statement and I watch the biography on Marlon Brando yeah and for years So, Mom and Brando would do is go downtown and sit in a phone booth.

Those old school phone booths are closing. Right. And sit and watch people. I love it. I love sitting there and watching what makes people tick. Well, I want to say something, and it's going to come across creepy, but it's not meant to be creepy. I like to go to Korean baths. It is very well known that I really, really enjoy Korean baths.

It's all women, obviously. There's a separate men section, but we're all naked. And I like to watch women in not a sexual way at all. There's a vulnerability when you are... Have you been to the Korean paths? Do you know what they're all about? Okay. So there are places where you sit.

They bathe differently, right? They crouch down on like little stools. and instead of like, they have stand-up showers as well, but they also sit with like a sit-down shower. It's really kind of crazy and bizarre, but also awesome. And when they're bathing, and I'm talking about strictly Koreans. And is it like a nice area? Is it like a gym locker room? There are Korean spots everywhere.

No, no, no, it's not a gym locker room at all. It's completely different. It's a whole different experience, but it's kind of religious. And they have rituals and they scrub their bodies and they clean their bodies. certain way. I was brought up in saunas and steam rooms and I don't fuck with jacuzis because I just feel like there's some pussy tuberculosis happening. That's a good... No, no, no, no, I do not fuck with any kind of water, any kind of liquids ever. Unless it's bubbling up from the ground, then that's fine. Like the springs in Colorado. Yes. 100%. I'm all over that.

But I steam, I sauna, I go into like they have all these different rooms. Like there's a, a chariot. coal room and a jade room and clay room and you know all the different I love that shit but specifically when the women are washing themselves and again not sexual at all I like to watch and observe the ritual of it now that they when let's say a guy goes into a Korean fucking bathhouse yeah he goes into the guy section though he goes into the guy's section and who bades him two women or two men men oh they bathe you yeah they bathe you yeah they bathe you and they scrub the fucking top three layers of your skin awfully you see your skin on the floor yeah like a snake oh i thought it was like a bunch of people showering like bathing together

that's what the fuck is wrong with you that's later that's part of it's later they scrubbed the hell out of you it's a mugging with soap oh god yeah that's what it is so is it painful i like it but i like a little bit of pain a little bit i don't i hate like that sounds oh god but it feels so good it's Your skin is your largest organ. Sorry, guys. Sorry. But your skin is your largest organ on your body. So it's like somebody massaging your kidneys or your pancreas.

I mean, they're cleaning your soul. Yeah, but you described it like a mugging. That sounds like, why can't be like a general rubbing? Very aggressive. So I have taken my husband to these because if you're going to be married to me, you have to be open to going. And he said once that the dude, this little Korean man, he's just wearing like little black Korean underwear. lifted up his testicles and just went, and just gave him a nice little scrub on his taint

and put him back down. And then just like smacked him on the head and was like, get out of here. My heart's beaten. Just thinking about it, you know? It's the best. I can't. I don't even know how you respond, Joe.

How would you respond if someone convinced you to do that? I went on testosterone in 2013. I was gesturing of my knucklehead friends. And I was never horny. in my life and my wife was pregnant. Never hornyer? Yeah, never horny in my life and I couldn't give my wife a stabbing the way I could because I could even think of putting my

cock with a little kid. Yeah. I mean, it was horrible. And I would drive over to that massage parlor on Lancashire and I would sit out there and the thought of somebody massage in my back would give me such anxiety that I would just take off and go home and jerked.

off. Seriously? Oh, you have no idea. I don't like people behind me. Well, that's... I don't even like people standing fucking behind me. And I've said this before. If I was a woman, I'd be a good piece of ass,

but you never dog used to tell me. I'm not ever giving up my eyesight on you. Something from being a kid. I don't like people behind me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your favorite goes to the side here. Yeah. Just our thought of somebody scrubbing me,

it's just so impersonal. Like, I don't even like my wife besides me. You know what? I go to that place over here with her and we both sit together and they rub your feet and rub your shoulders they have a happy hour for 25 bucks

I've done those yeah I like that stuff I'm a big now why did why did you grow up in saunas and steams Russians Soviets are all about saunas and steam rooms they beat you with yes I saw leaves

like like eucalyptus leaves they call them vanyiki they make them into like a little broom That's what a vienic is. It's a broom. So they make these special leaves, usually eucalyptus,

because of the essential oils that are inside the leaves. And they beat you. They beat you upside your face. And it's amazing. It's amazing. I cannot tell you how much I love a good,

just fucked up. Like, get the heel of your foot like in my ass. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. When you live up here, when I used to live in Hollywood, yeah. The Hollywood Y opens at 5. And at 505, it's packed with Russians. Yeah, the Russians. I'm sorry. I want to just apologize. No, no, no, no. I learned. And they, the first couple, listen, the first couple of times they'd have the hoods on, like the KKK. You have to wear it.

They're like Russian KKK. I'd go in there and there'd be four fucking Russians with a hood and one black guys sitting there like nothing happened and I'd sit next to them like embarrassed like who's gonna throw the first punch they really were hoods yeah they were these guys they're like wizard hats they're cotton and shit and here you are 505 stone to the gills I'd walk in there I'd wake up take a shower eat something and I'd smoke dope I'd get in those days I used to get up at 415 I just quit coke I needed something quick yeah because I was losing my mind at some point yeah so I would wake up at jumping the shower and I'd be at the wine and I'd get stoned and I'd eat like a little breakfast and I'd shoot over to the fucking wine and they'd be in there and they'd drink shots of vodka

yeah and after about two weeks they offered they were very close-knit society yeah they offered and this is something I did for about a year and a half and I knew their names and I knew what they did but I really didn't sure they were doing the shots in this one of them sure yeah yeah yeah And I didn't really care. None of my business. The only point, you know, it gave me a hard time the Russian women in the pool.

In the heated pool? Yeah. The heavier Russian women, they don't like guys in there. They would battle me. They'd cut me off. Do they do their, like, little with their head above?

Yeah. They hang out to the wall. Right. Yeah. They hang out to the wall and they just kick for 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like,

this ain't doing nothing for you. That'd be interesting. Well, I grew up, my mom was, she was hell-bent on teaching me how to, It's called Paredza. I was eight years old, and she goes, all right, I'm teaching you.

This is how you do it. She would teach me how to steam, how to sauna, the correct ways. You sit down afterwards. You wrap yourself up. Here's what your body's doing. Your body is now. Now it needs to cool down to help your circulation. They would put stuff.

So you first, all right, so you get to the wire, you jump in the shower. I wouldn't swim first. I'd go in here first because in the back of my mind, I wanted all the coke to get out of my system. So I would jump in there first. I would drink a bunch of water. go into the, not where the steam comes out of the wall, but where the rocks are. Sure, that's a sauna. So I go in there first for 20.

Yeah, it's great. 20 minutes is perfect. And they'd go right from there, and I'd shower and shoot right back into that steam. And they'd already be in the steam before me. And they'd be in there drinking, they'd have water and vodka, and then they'd put some fucking Russian maluccia juice on the steamer. It was like eucalyptus mixed with. Just oils.

And the guy would talk to me all. This is for your health. Yeah. This for your eyeballs. You see people who will give you evil. You know, I was loving it. I was, you know, I knew their names. They were very nice.

It was one black guy that was a, he had a security system, a security business. Yeah. So he worked all night and he'd go in there at five. And you could smell the fucking black booze coming out of his fucking alcohol brains. He was a boozer. So he'd go and he was very smart. Yeah. If you're going to be an alcoholic.

At least get that shit out of his system. Yeah, yeah, this detox. That's why they drink inside the sauna. He would get in there and fucking... Taking it back in the system? He would walk in there hammered. Sweat it out. And then the Russians would walk out.

He laid on his back and he'd take a little nap in there. And then he'd do what he was doing, but what I was doing but without the swim. I'd do all that. And then I'd jump in the pool. My wife wouldn't get up till eight. I had three hours to kill. Yeah. I would jump in the pool, do 45 minutes a lapse in the heated pool.

No way. Fuck you. I do the whole fucking thing. I do 20 of kicking. And then I put the thing between my legs and then I just pull. Non-stop. For 20 minutes. And then I was just fucking do it all together.

No wonder you lost 100 pounds. Yeah. I was doing that in the morning. And then at night I was going back and hitting the bag and hitting the bag and riding the bicycle. That was it. Wow. Just doing weight watches. All this shit, these people.

Where do you have to do chiro and micronutrient? Listen. Weight watches don't give a fuck if you eat fruit all day. You know what I'm saying? They don't give a fuck. As long as you're anything diabetic, they don't give a fuck. Yeah. But it's so weird.

I grew up, I came from Cuba, I grew up. And in my generation, I don't know what it's called. I wasn't a millennial. I wasn't a pre-millennial. Society, American society, made you not hate the Russians, but made you in the late 60s and 70s. Yeah.

I think hate the right word. With Fidel, with Saddam. I'm Cuban. I didn't feel hate, but it made you be aware of Russians. Like, it just made you, like, look out for Russians. Like, to America, it was Boris and Natasha. Yes. You know, it was Boris and Natasha.

Well, Russian people have always had this vague mystery about them because of the USSR. And you could make fun of them because, guess what? It's like the Amish. They weren't going to ever find out. They weren't allowed television. My dad told me that when he was, like, in probably, you know, late 60s, he was probably born 47, you know, he's like probably just out of college. They got a bootleg version of the Beatles, whatever album came out in the late 60s.

I forget which one that was, right? Let it be. Yeah, could have probably let it be. Probably let it be. They got a bootleg, and it was the biggest. of anyone's life. And they had to secretly tell people

because it was at a time when neighbors would rat out each other. You know what I mean? And they listened to this Beatles album in like a dark dungeon somewhere, like underground in someone's basement. There's a look out.

I'm sure there was a lookout. Because my cousins had the same problem. In Cuba. In Cuba, yeah. And they were so unaware of anything else that was happening in the world. world because of propaganda. And so Russians were this vague mystery. And you could, you could make up

whatever, whenever anything is mysterious, people just start making up their own, you know, stories about what it is because nobody knows, you know? Obviously, I wasn't alive then. But to me, from what I've seen and write in history books, it seems like, like the Russians during the Cold War were like today's, like, like ISIS or something, like to that level of fear. fear in the United States because I remember going along I'm scared right they're missiles because didn't they do like yeah didn't they do like bombs bombs in the schools oh because of Russia I thought it was like the Cold War I could be totally wrong yes but I don't think it was ISIS style because no ISIS is putting out YouTube videos

of beheadings oh yeah it was just it was a different fear they had remember when I first came from Cuba every building had a shelter you couldn't war Walk into a building in the United States that at somewhere on the first floor, it said, bomb shelter. My high school was built originally to be a bomb shelter. There you go. It was built into the side of a mountain, into the side of a hill, and it had no windows. My high school had no windows.

Shout out to any Maceteer alumni in San Francisco. It was built originally, and the guy who built it built insane asylum. Like he was the guy that was like, here's what you do. You make everything inside a maze so they can never find their way out. And that was my high school. It was insane. And it was a bomb shelter. And then they were like, this fear of bombs is a little crazy.

Let's just make it into a school. And that's how we ended up going there. My first experience with Russians were in 85 in San Francisco. Yeah, we were there. That was my first. Was it a good experience? one of the Cuban refugees I ran with got either drugs from them or credit cards or something

and then I got to meet them. Losu. I'll never forget that's what we call. I didn't know their names. El Rousseau. Are you first generation? No, I was born. I was born in the Soviet Union.

Oh, you were? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think I'm like third or maybe even fourth generation, Russian and something else. right next to that.

Yeah. So I don't have any like Russian pride. Like I don't have any culture from that. Yeah. Like even like when I see like when I see it in movies, it never bothers me. Like I don't know. It's not like. Right, right.

No, it's definitely different. Now where do Russian Jews come from Russia or Israel? The Israeli Jews that moved to Russia. Other way around usually. Well, they were scattered. So Russians were scattered. I'm sorry. Jews were scattered everywhere.

So you got Jews in Mexico. city. You got Jews in Spain. You got Jews that went to Russia, Cuba. You got Jews that went to Israel. Canada has a big... But even before the Canadian immigration, before the states and Canada. So I'm talking like, you know, a hundred years ago, let's say.

Russians, I keep saying Russians, Jews went to be five or six different places. One of them was the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union said, we'll take you in. but here are the rules. Everybody wears gray and we all get paid the same. You'll have a place to live and you'll have some food. We can't guarantee what you'll have, but just get in line and wait and you'll eat. And they'll be clothes, but again, they're all going to look the same.

And it was like Star Trek in the sense of like everyone's outfits are just going to be the same. No differentiate, you know, just get used to it. And so a lot of Jews went there when they got displaced. Well, but then like the Stalin and then, like, in World War II, that's when I was saying they left. Like they were like the same sort of, not to the level of Hitler, but like they were killing and getting and rounding up the Jews and stuff. Like not letting them. Jews are always getting rounded up. I mean, look, we're in North Hollywood.

I'm sure there's some Jews getting rounded up right now. As we speak. Right now. I mean, there's no joke. It's always happening. It's like, just like, you're bored one night. It's like, let's go round up some Jews. It's fucked up.

It is. That's why I think, you know, Jewish people and black people should get along better. How old are you came from Russia? Two. Okay, so you don't remember Dick like me. No. No, no. But I have been back.

And there's a feeling of like when I go back, I see people my age and I look at them and I go, maybe that would have been a friend of mine. Maybe I'd be working in that building with them. Like, I wonder what my life would have been like. I do not think I would have been. a stand-up comic. There's no way. First of all, it didn't exist. It didn't exist. No. Even Yakov-Smirnov talks about how what he did wasn't comedy. He kind of made up what he thought was stand-up comedy, but really he was like an MC for live events and a host for live events. In Russia. Yeah. Because it didn't exist. There was no such thing. It was just, I mean, even still to

this day, they have, quote, comedy clubs. And it's really like what the groundlings is here. You know, where they do like sketches. Comedy is very new to Russians. Sorry, not Soviets. Not Soviets anymore. It's very new. Very new.

And by the way, San Francisco, I probably will not go back to perform there in a while. Why? I did a show a couple years ago. Whenever I advertise I'm going to be in San Francisco, the entire Russian community comes out, which you would think would be a good thing. And yes, it is. The support is fantastic. But I went specifically to record a CD.

I wanted to put out a CD. This was like three years ago, right, when CDs were still relevant. They're not anymore, by the way, if anyone's wondering. And I go up there, I set up the microphones, I get equipment. My husband helps me. We get a venue. I do the whole thing. I get an opener, a feature act.

Make sure everything's right. The lights, everything, right? These fucking Russians sitting right next to the mics. I mic the audience, right? So you could get the laughs. Are talking the entire time, are heckling me in Russian. Not in a bad way. They think they're helping.

Are yelling out suggestions talking about how we took piano together. Do you remember in Russian? Yelling shit out in Russian. They're getting drunk. Fuck the Russians. Never again. I can't perform in San Francisco. I think you should absolutely put that out.

I would totally for nine. 99 cents, I would totally... Well, that's why I said to you, I can't go the closer I go to my hometown. Right, yeah. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. How do I know? It's not going to work.

I did one eight years ago. And while I'm up to that day, they're yelling, tell them about when you robbed this guy's house. Yes. Really? Or the ones that are sitting in front because they're still stuck in the, you know, USSR and they have their arms crossed and they don't want to fucking laugh because for 30 years,

they had to wait in line for salami. and they had to wear shoes that were three sizes too small because fucking communist. That's what people are like, so-and-so's a socialist or so this politician is really a communist. Fuck you, you don't even know what communism is. It's wearing shoes that are three sizes too small, all right? That's what being a socialist is. It's not fucking, I want to help this chick have an abortion, you socialist. You know what I mean?

Why should my money go to her abortion? Because then her kid won't grow up and, you know, carjack you in 20 years, all right? fuck her so let her have an abortion so you can keep your Mazda. But people think they know what socialist is and what communist is. They have no idea. They have no idea. You know what it is. I know what it is.

Listen, I don't know. I can't say. You know. I heard. I've heard. I've heard. Your family has told you. Well, I had the same situation with you.

My cousins are musicians. And they came to Burbank to record. They drove by the improv and saw my name. Went in and told Reed. who they were and Rita called me and that's how I met my cousins and I went down there they came to the show

and then we went to the canters and I was told the story before while we're at Canada we're talking and all of a sudden they started harmonizing stay away to heaven and I could feel the goosebumps like I also and I wanted to cry

in front of them but I couldn't and they were telling me how they had an album and they had to listen to it with a lookout that you know they passed it they had to bury it and hide it

You know, and you sit there and you think how lucky you are that you've given away albums. Right. And these people would have taken any of these albums, any of these albums. They didn't care what band. Just to have one of them. Just to hear music. Yeah. And just the American way.

You know, you're Russian. You grew, you were born there, but you were raised in a Russian house. And I say it all the time that the transition is amazing. And how, what thing? Like, for me, I had to eat hot dogs to become an American. When I was five, I felt that the more American food I ate, like my daughter. My daughter's three, and there's always drama at dinner time.

She likes spaghetti, hot dogs, and French fries, and ketchup. She'll put ketchup on fucking cereal if I let it. You understand me on chocolate milk. At those ages, I was eating, my mom and I had a great relationship. I was eating whatever, Cuban tongue, whatever. Oh, we had tongue, you're sick. When I went to, I got American eye. And I would go home and she'd go black beans and rice and the steak.

Fuck you. I want SpaghettiOs, you know, because it made me feel like I'm American. That was my comfort food to make me become. People have no idea. People have no idea. I tell people all the time how lucky you are, the advantages you have. I've never felt racism. I could sit here and tell you a bunch of stories.

I'm very fortunate. I got into movies. You know, I didn't get into Montreal, but I got into movies. Right. You know, so you take, you pick your fucking battles, you know. And I've been very fortunate, you know, but I see how people don't respect what it is to be an American. Like, we fight hard. You don't know what it's like to go into a grammar school in the 70s and not speaking the language and fucking faking the funk because as soon as you open your mouth, you know, they're going to know you're not like that.

well I was a refugee so all this like refugees and all this what people think about refugees nowadays and yes maybe they're different we were refugees until I was eight we weren't citizens until I turned

either eight probably eight eight or nine so my parents would tell me don't don't get in trouble okay they're gonna they're gonna kick us out of this country if you fuck around

and have us come down to the principal's office. We're out because they associated, I even tried to do a bit about this, I used to a long time ago, but like they associated public school, because I went to a public elementary school, with the government, which it is. You mind?

No, with the government. Your fans know what that sound is. They know. They know. I love how it comes in a pillbox, too. I love that. Listen, if you're going to fucking play the game. You're all right.

Might as well. I wish you well with your glaucoma. So if I got in trouble and the principal wanted my parents to come down to his office, they were like, you're going to get us kicked out of this country. We're out. You understand? We're not citizens.

Don't fuck around. So I had to watch myself. Then I turned eight and we're like, all right, I'm a fucking citizen now so I can do whatever I want now. Like all of a sudden I got like a big head. I was walking around like, look at me, like ripping up my green car.

Like, I'm done. You know, I was like, all right, here we go. This is it. I'm American now. That's the moment that I felt. I was an American. See, I was told a different story. I was told that if I didn't get good grades, they'd kick me out.

Because they didn't need me. And I was told they're going to kick us out of the country. My parents told me not. They're going to fuck in. If you don't get A's and Bs, if you get Cs, they'll fucking, so yeah yeah so I was like I want to get the used to see she was a little white time oh good

sure just 600 um well kind of what I was saying earlier where like since I'm third generation Russian I don't feel like a connection to Russia it's not that I don't feel American but I grew up in like East Coast like right outside of Boston there's American pride but it's not like

I was talking to someone today in England and when you see like a UFC and there's like a foreign fighter their fans go bananas. But when it's an American guy, occasionally like a cowboy, Soroni, or Roy Nelson, but most American fighters,

it's not like, it's not like go America. So it's something weird. Like, it's, it's kind of funny how two immigrants are the most patriotic ones. Right.

It's interesting. I, you know, in my world, I don't know I'm proud to be a Cuban but I'm also proud to be an American I'm proud that I ended up becoming an American

I pay taxes I'm a Why'd you laugh at that? God damn it that means I get to call myself an American Well you know what It's part of trying to be a productive member of society For fucking 35, 40 years I was an unproductive member of society

I was trying And for the first time at the age of 50, I became a productive member of society. You know what I'm saying? So that's what part of being an American is. You know, all those little things. Yeah, I got felonies.

So what? That's part of being an American. Having a second chance, bitch. You know, all these things, you can't throw at me because that's the American way. You were Russians, refugees.

God knows what your dad was about to go through, your mom. Yeah. You know, and all of a sudden you came here. What's that called? A second fucking. chance. Right, right. So you can't judge me on any of those things. We all make fucking mistakes no matter what the fuck you do. It's not like I was out there falling out of trees

giving our Cosby pills. I said, do some fucking young women, you know what I'm saying? I wonder if there's an edible called Cosby pills. That's a great idea. Yeah, yeah, that's a good. It should be, right? Cosby pills. He would go nuts. He would go. But you spell it with a Z or a K-O-Z. Oh, my, and a picture of a chick just passed out. This edible. So you just, what did you just have a little star? I had, that was my third star for this evening. But what, so I know nothing.

I'm a complete novice. We opened up with 600 milligrams. Four stars. Oh, okay. So you know. 400? No, no, no. No, no.

So you know, but the milligram, you know how long that'll take you? Like what, what kind of? You don't know. I know zero. No, no, no. You don't know nothing. I'm square. No, no.

When you eat one of these days? Yeah. You don't know nothing. Oh, I see. You don't know what it's going to hit you. You don't know. You don't know. Okay.

It's like that hookah with herpes. You know what I'm saying? Right. Like, fingers crossed. Yeah, you never know when she's going to show up. So how do you time the rest of your life? It's 8 o'clock.

I got nothing else to do. I'm here with you and then I go home and go to sleep with my family. Okay. On Monday, we did a podcast and he left and I was doing, I was putting the podcast up. And I just woke up at 1.30 in the morning. He was falling asleep as I was sleeping. I was telling him a story, and he was like this. It's not even worth telling you a fucking story.

And I went home, and all the nights, I was pretty high too. So I went home, tried to watch television, and I was like, I can't deal with this. And I fucking went right to sleep. And I got up the next morning, he's telling me his story, how he got up at 1.30 in the morning. His girlfriend kept paging him, texting him, and asking him where the fuck he was. I love that shit. When I fall asleep on the couch, when I'm seeing double, I know I'm there. You know, like sometimes you see double on these.

Really? You do see like, it crosses, it's tremendous. But you're in a safe environment. So what do you think it is? I'm always curious about this. When people, like myself, for example, when you explain that to me, the whole, it's tremendous. You see double and you're having a great time. To me, I get such major anxiety the way that you get anxiety getting a massage or someone standing behind you.

I hear you. So imagine, that's how I feel. Like, when you tell me that, I start to sweat. Like, oh, my God, that does not sound great to me at all. And I've gotten high before. I've never had edible. Never had an edible. Don't get me wrong.

If I know I didn't have to go to a massage thing, I would have been in there getting my pipe sucked. But I just don't want to go in there go, listen, no massage you. Just sucky. Don't touch nothing. Sucky, don't fuck. I'm just an animal. Like, I have no concept of those things. Like, how nice it is to be massized or to get a finger up your ass.

I'm always thinking about the negative when I'm looking down. So fuck that shit. Sorry to bring it up. Just thinking about it. You know, my paranoia is kicking in. Now you talked about anxiety. These things get your anxiety, too. Like, I feel like it'd have a negative effect on me.

I feel like it's like it brings. out, whatever, maybe you don't want to come out. The only anxiety I get on these is when I get shortness of breath because I do something too quick. And the shortness of breath shoots right to my mind. And all of a sudden, the cortisol shoots out, and I break out into a sweat in my body, but then I get it together.

I just breathe through my nose and not my mouth, and it all evens is out. I put some in my stomach, too. Sometimes when you start getting the anxiety from the reef, you eat a little something. Oh, okay, okay. Kind of absorbs it A piece of bread with butter

Something fatty, nothing. You know, you eat a chocolate chip cookie You're adding fucking gasoline to the fire. Right, right, right. It's just sugar to anxiety. Yeah. Which somewhere along the line they meet and it gets more intense.

Oh, Jesus. When then I got really high, my wife bought Oreos. Everybody in this room loves fucking Oreos. Who doesn't like Oreos? But again, I'm a fat fuck. You cut yourself a deal. You go, you know what?

I either eat the whole box or I eat seven. So I ate all seven of them And I stopped Oh you did Oh yeah I'm really good like that I make a deal There's 92 of them I want seven

And you did it And I did it I could never do that But between the sugar And the edible Yeah They met somewhere And it sent me into this fucking

Pre-diabetic shit I don't even have diabetes I had to go to bed I passed out Oh my God Like I passed I woke up at Fort Thursday With fucking chocolate

In my mouth and shit I don't know I think there's something inside of me that doesn't want to be out of control. There's something, I don't know, I don't know if people... I'm going to tell you something. Okay, tell me. A friend of mine said to me, I know there's some stuff about you. Take these things. I brought them home. They're tremendous. They're baby little values. They're for anxiety. Before I go home, I don't want no drama. Sometimes I pop a half of one. They're great.

They build the resistance quick. I'm very happy. I go to Jiu-Jit-Train because I sweat a lot with the ghee. You sweat extra so that pill doesn't get to sit in your fat. You're just a regular fat guy, those pills, half of those pills sit in your fat. So sometimes you might get tired in the afternoon. You might smoke a half a number and get tired. It's because the reefer kicked off those fucking pills.

So what I try to do is I try to eat those pills maybe, like tonight. If I had to leave early tomorrow, I'd be popping two of those pills tonight. But I'm going to tell you something. And this is what America doesn't know. And America might think I'm lying to you. I sleep a lot better on these fucking stars than what I do on those pills. I mean a deep sleep, a deep, deep sleep that you get up at 5 or you pee. Your pee's a little purple.

It has a weird stink to it. But you get a handful of fucking water and you go right back to bed and you wake up and nothing sore. Wow. Where sometimes those pills, what I didn't like about medical pills was the hangover in the morning. Yeah. I don't know how people wake up after they top pop two pills. I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people.

Me, I'm a fucking, I don't know what you call that. This is a pseudo-control freak. I don't ever want to wake up and lose control. Yeah. I always want to be awake ready to go. Yeah. I had friends that would sit down and drink a pot of coffee. We got to smoke a pack of cigarettes.

So meanwhile, it's nine fucking a clock. Do you know how many motherfuckers you could have mugged from 7.30 to 9? And you're sitting there smoking fucking cigarettes. People walking into their offices. We're going to walk in there at 9. Tate you an hour to get kicked up. Get your paperwork. The computer.

You know what I am? Like, I never understood those people that just sat there in the lawyers. I have a system. I get up. I fucking drink some coffee. I talked to my wife for a little while. I wash my pussy. I get on the computer.

I tweet, blah, pop, pop, pa, pop, the baby. I sit with her. We watch cartoons. I feed. I make a chocolate milk.

You know, I can't imagine just laying in bed and rubbing your feet and thinking about your life and where it's gone. Fuck you. You got to get up and go,

motherfucker. Yeah. And, you know, I read about people with pills that are on pill problems. And I wish they could, and people always go, well, Joey,

you make it sound so easy. Yeah. I don't care where you live. I don't care if you live in Tennessee and they got, laws against wheat. There's nothing against the law against you going home, cooking that weed up, melting with butter, taking the butter out and putting it in brownies. And putting a tray of brownies, putting in the freezer, cutting into little fucking halves. People do it all the

fucking time out of you, and you eat one before you go to yoga or before you fucking go to sleep and you sleep like a goddamn baby. Or after you work out, it takes the acid out of your muscles. Really? Yeah. A lot of people know that shit. No. Wow, I did not, Dr. Joey. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with it? Joey bananas? The reason when you're on the show, I really want to get on the show, was, like I said,

they had the discussion about women in comedy, and, you know, we could sit here for a fucking thousand nights and talk about women who sit there and complain about the set list at the improv and whatever. And then you can talk about the women that go out every night

and do four fucking spots. Yeah. There's always a spot. There's flappers. There's the ha-ha. Actually, flappers is what I was talking to there. There's a gas station up the fucking corner. There's a,

pizza place. You can even do two sets at shitty places just to get your timing and the words to your joke. I have written some of my favorite punchlines at shitty rooms. Because there's nobody there. Because there's nobody there. Do you remember the stove piper? Stove piper? Break it down to me. It's deep in the valley. It's kind of like between here and Northridge. And it was a bar you walked in, it was red. All the lights were red. You just walk into like a furnace. And it wasn't a terrible room, but it was just like, you know, it was just like a kind of a little bit of a fucked up room, you know, people in the back, all the comics are talking, the people at the bar, a lot of distractions. But there were some regulars that were there for

the comedy show. And it wasn't the worst, but it definitely had some faults. But I wrote two or three of my favorite punchlines at the stovepiper, just this crappy little room on a Thursday night deep in the valley. You don't have to do it on a Saturday at the laugh factory in front of industry. That's actually when I don't. I don't feel like I can even really be vulnerable at the laugh factor on a Saturday. I just want to go in and I just want to kill. I want to do a great job. But that's the shitty rooms are the ones where it's like 10 people. And I actually find out, oh, this is what the joke is. Oh, okay. I figured it out here. Let me now. go take it and put it on a, you know, a stage on a Saturday in front of people that are, you know,

paid 20 bucks to get in. It's so weird how I do not like comedy in L.A. for people six years of them during comedy. I do not like it. Why not? Tell me. Because it's like my youth. It's like Michael Jackson's youth. You, when I was a kid,

When I was 10, I really knew shit that kid 16 didn't fucking know. You know, when I was, when Michael Jackson's big, you know, claim to fame was that he didn't have a childhood. Yeah. And I got it. You know, you see that he saw behind the record label. He saw how they treated him and years later, the effect on him. I understand. What was this topic?

People who had been doing stand-up less than six years. Six years. some of my best times in my fucking life where it was my comedy career zero to six years. If, Kira, if we didn't have to make money doing this, how much fun would comedy really be? If I told you, Kira, I'm going to give you a job.

You're going to make a buck in a quarter of a year. And we're going to be raises every year. But I want you as part of this job, you have to go out every night, four nights a week, and do 10 minutes. A mile from your house. Yeah. How fun would your life be at night?

A bar. Yeah. People laughing. Hanging out. No money. You don't care about how many people show up. Right. You don't worry about your managers.

Yeah. Who's the agent? You have a day job. You have a day job. You're doing this as a form of, honey, I don't go to the gym. I don't go to yoga. You know, I cook. I just want to go out.

I'll be home by 10.30. Because that's all it really is. You're home by 10.30 in those days. Yeah. You sign up at the list of they. I got to be. honest at you as a human being. I remember like going to summer camp to basketball camp or finger banging whatever behind McKinley school when she had a Chile Catholic suit on.

Let me tell you something. When you finger banging a girl when she's got a Catholic school suit on, you've arrived as a man. Oh, I've done it as a woman. You didn't even finger a chick. You finger the chick with a Catholics girl suit on. You follow me? I mean, there's different things that you remember in your life. And I got to tell you something. The first years, first six years of my comedy was so hard and so outlandish that I cherished those first years

with fucking everything and I can't believe how many little things turned into big things I remember getting to fucking Detroit with a box like with two inches of quarters dimes and nickels getting there and realizing

there's no show on Wednesday night So what did you do? I got a joint A box will change What's the change for? Just when you go into a gas station When you give them a 20 and they give you $18

And 82 cents you get the change Oh I see I see just a box of change Yeah yeah Yeah Well you know I actually had a very interesting conversation I'm not going to tell you who it is Because I don't want to make him feel bad But a guy who is in the industry

Street decided to do stand-up, had me on his podcast. And so I'm a guest on his podcast. And within the first few minutes, I might have already told you this story. I can't remember. Maybe, do you have a good memory? No. I'm like it. Very high.

I don't remember, though. I don't remember you saying. He basically said, you know, you got into comedy like a lot of chicks do, to get, you know, to bang, basically, just to get fucked, right? just to go have sex on the road. And I said, no, no, that's not why. Do you remember this story at all? No, no, no, I don't think you said it.

That's definitely not what women do on the road. Maybe 1% of female comics, but no. I mean, I understand a lot of guys do get into stand-up or did, whatever, like musicians, just to get pussy. I get it. I get it. But that's not what we're, women do. Do you know how dangerous it is to pick up a guy after your show and take him back to your

hotel room? That's the scariest idea in the world to most female comics. Not all, I'm sure there are women that do it, but that's really fucked up. And he just kept pushing and pushing and goes, come on, you sleep around. When you were single, you fucked people on the road. No, I didn't. First of all, when you're a woman on stage and you have opinions and you're commanding an audience full of strangers and making them laugh, no dude's dick is hard. That is not how to get a guy's dick hard. I mean, most guides are like, oh, I don't want to fuck with that. That's a chick who has like a mouth on her. You know, most guys, again, there are exceptions. But he fought me on this. And he just kept telling me and kept telling me and kept telling me I was wrong in something that I've been doing for, 17 years.

Okay. All right. I guess you know better. But that's just one aspect of being a woman in comedy is it's not the same on that level for us in the sense of like hooking up and, you know, taking some guy back to your hotel room. I mean, it's the scariest thing. They can kill you? I mean, that's, you know, Louis C.K.'s bit, you know what his bit is that women have to fear, you know, you know who kills women the most? men. That's who killed

I'm fucking his joke up. I'm totally butchering it. But the essence of his joke is, you know who they should be scared of? Us. We kill women more than anything else, more than a heart disease, more than diabetes. It's men. And that's so true. It's so true.

I don't like, listen, I have my problems with fucking women. We all do. You know what I'm saying? Women have problems with guys. Women all do. There's something issues, whatever you go, Jesus, fucking Christ. The last couple

fucking years, it's been up more than ever with women in comedy. One guy said and got fired, this guy, this guy, Jerry Lewis. I never even thought about it.

Like, I was always like, you know what? I know what I went through as a comic. And I know what women go through. The reason your fucking friend is ignorant,

the guy that had that podcast, because any fucking comic knows if a chick sucked dick for that many leaves she'll never make it to 17 or 18 years those chicks disappear yeah i see those chicks come and go they're hot they're funny in the beginning they hook up with a comedian he rides it's an ugly cycle and you see him years later now they're writing but who the fuck you know what fucking happened okay yeah you just couldn't fucking cut it because you depended on somebody else and then there's a very small percent where you fall in Women that get into comedy and life happens.

Life happens, but they stay true to being a comic. Yeah. And they never lose focus, and they don't use having the kid as an excuse or, you know. And I get it. Listen, man, I see it. My wife was the best. Oh, I'm going to work full time. And I kept looking at it.

I go, okay. And then after two weeks, she went to 30 weeks, 30 hours. But after another week, she went to 20 hours. Yeah, yeah. And somebody got a raise, and she was like, I've been working here for 10 years. I'm quitting my job. Yeah. And the bottom line was that little baby.

Yeah. What the fuck wants to leave their fucking kid at 7.30? Fuck you. I was like, quit that fucking job. Be your mom. You're 46. When is this going to happen again? Yeah.

Not in my fucking lifetime. Not in my fucking lifetime. You're going to spend another kid out of 40, fucking nine or something. Oh, my God. You know, and I'm sorry. Spanish. That sperm is going to be good in the casket. You know, some people leave their eyes to society and their ears and shit. I'm going to leave my fucking nut sack.

And you got 24 hours. And I guarantee there's 18 fucking kids swimming around my nutsack. I'm Spanish, dog. I'm fucking Spanish. That shit last in there. Deo Von, dad had him when he was 72. That's right. And fucking, you know, and when he told me he's half Spanish. I go, ah.

Yeah, that's why. There's a girl I know. How father's banging somebody in Puerto Rico, knocked her up twice in the 70s. That Spanish sperm, they eat those fucking beans, that black beans and that rice, those beans stay. I'm telling you, I got it on my ID, I'm keeping the eyes, take the nutsack. That's your best bet. There's 18 kids in there right now. You know my husband's Puerto Rican.

Is he really? No shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're going to be knocked up to your 90. Oh, God, no. I had my kid who was now five at the time. He was three and a half. when I found out I was pregnant with the second one,

I peed on one of those sticks, you know, and then I had my kid, I go, here, give this to Daddy when he walks in the door when he comes home. We are talking about having another kid, so it wasn't that big of a surprise, but he walks away, he goes, Daddy, I have something for you,

and he hands my husband, the little stick that you pee on, and he looks down on it, he looks at me, and he goes, I'm getting snipped. Because it just, No, he hasn't. I don't want him to. Not because I want more kids, but that just seems extreme.

That's like cutting the cat's nails. That's just extreme. Can you imagine jerking off a note? It's like jerking off skim milk. It just comes out of your little dick and little shovels. Yeah. No, but I think because he's like, I'm Puerto Rican. You know, this is what we're made to do is made to have babies.

And I go, just relax. We planned this. We tried for another one. We were having sex for years before we had our first kid. We'll be fine. Don't worry. How'd you meet a Puerto Rican husband? Here in L.A.

I thought you had like an Armenian tucked away that you smacked around this shit. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're a strong woman. I can't see you with a Spanish guy. Very good for you. Well, he grew up here in L. You're the real fucking deal, aren't you? Yeah, no. You guys go to that Puerto Rican restaurant in Lancash?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. We get catering. Okay, Red beans. Yeah, they're not bad. They're not bad. Okay. We got for Easter.

Mofungo. Mofungo. We went there for Easter. They got a Coca Rico. Well, you know, my husband likes. I'm not a fan of them. They are the Puerto Rican tamales.

Me neither. They're fucking disgust. They're disgusting. They look fucked up. I love a Mexican tamale. They put them in a fucking leaf. Yeah. It smells bad.

What are they called again? My family. Yes. Yes. Yes. No disrespect to Puerto Ricans. You know, I love you. I love all.

I love muffungo. I love chuletas. Anybody knows a good Puerto Rican knows it doesn't make a pork chop. That's how you tell, listen, my wife, like I said, it don't matter. A good part of these, your husband make pork chops? He can cook anything. Okay. He can cook.

Has he ever made pork chops? Yeah. Tomorrow night, just bring him pork chops and watch. And watch. That's their blood. Do you know what he does? Do you know what he does? Like a fucking boss is, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed.

I just forgot. It's the ham with the skin that's all crackly and crispy on top. talking about. Oh, fuck. This is going to kill me. It's this fucking contact high you guys gave me. I'm usually much sharper than this. What should I search like Puerto Rican hand? Please, please, please. It starts with a B or something or an R. Oh, shit. You drink Mavi? Whatever. Does he ever give you Mavi or Knappas?

No, I don't know what that is. No, no. Mavi sounds familiar. Mavi is a tea. Oh, is it L. Boricua? Burbricoa? Boriqua. Boriqua is a Puerto Rican. No, it's L-R-I-C-U-E. Yeah, that's El Borico.

That means the blog is by someone who's Puerto Rico. Don't worry about it. We'll get the name of it, but they have a thing called Mavi as a tea. And when they sell it in New York, it's already got a hole in the top because you have to let it air to marinate. Okay. It's a very good tea. It's made from a herb. But what Puerto Rico is known for, what Puerto Rico is known for is.

it's then called Mamuncio. The Cubans call it Mamuncio. Mamucio, what is that? They call it Kenepas. Oh, my God. Put in K-E-N-E-P-A-S and see what comes up. Kenepas.

Kenepas are called Mamoncio. They grow and they come and they come full-grown in August in Puerto Rico. So by September, mid-September, you would get them in the Bronx. Yeah.

And there are these little fucking things. The trees, grow. And there are these little fucking, oh shit. There are these little fucking trees

that grow these, uh, grape-looking things. There these little grape-looking things. Gennepas from Puerto Rico, YouTube. There you go.

Oh, my God. And you buy them by those little things from the green right there? Oh, oh shit, right there. Because I'm about to use two of them in my smoothie. Have you been to Puerto Rico? Thousand times.

Thousand times. Until 1980. Then I haven't been back. Really? But Lukio, that beachedouillo. Yeah. We used to go to Dorado Beach. One thing about Puerto Rico, do you go back now?

I have never been. He's been. I want to go so badly. Puerto Rico right now. Puerto Rico right now is kind of scary. Is it? Yeah, they have a problem. It's poverty.

They have a... Go back. Let's see if they show the inside of it. You cut that skin off with your mouth. Yeah. So you pull it off the fucking branch. You stick it in your mouth and you cut it. You learn how to cut it with your teeth.

Right. You peel it. You spit the shell out. Okay. You put that ball in the side of your mouth and it's got hair on it. It's like a sweet fucking juice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I have heard of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened was after 9-11, they fucking stop letting people bring them in like you can. There you go. Oh, shit. It looks like a fucking clit that thing. Look at it. It's nice and soft and gooey like a motherfucker Lisa. how you're at. Look at that motherfucker.

Ooh. And so they're sweet. Very sweet. And you just suck it until the hair is all gone. It's just a season. You think I'm fucking kidding you. Who do you think you're dealing with here? If you can't eat the mom and see you, you're definitely not going to eat nobody's pussy. You follow me? That's just a perfect rule. Oh, my God.

Suck it until the hair is all gone. He can cook. I'll tell you right now. He can. It's amazing. It really, yeah. He's a fucking jackpot. He's, that's one thing that I'm so grateful I don't have to do. There's just some wifie duties that don't have to do. Because he even tells me, he goes, I go, let me make you some eggs or let me make you something. He goes, please, let me just do it.

Like, he doesn't even want me to. I'm not terrible, but it doesn't compare to what he can do. Like, even eggs, he makes. He puts butter in it. He puts spices in eggs. Yeah, and eggs. He makes scrambled eggs. Any kind, anything, whatever.

But he uses like. Spanish people dope food. Nobody else dopes up food. You got to dope food up. You got to dope it up. You just can't put... Listen, yeah, you can put salt and pepper on a steak. That's great.

But you want to make a little better? Throw some garlic pot on that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Let me give some shoutouts real quick. John Algemi, Jeff Talaman, nasty doctor, Lisa Willis, Clark Canfield, Timmy the Turtle,

Let's Talk Fights, and Crystal fucking Johnson. A little shout out to you fucking savages Getting your shit together Lee Syatt Eating 725 tonight So what are you doing this week You're going to visit your aunt in San Francisco

She's died You're not going up there What happened? You sent flowers? Yeah, the funeral was set flowers No, my dad was there What happened? So your dad was there

But you didn't send flowers No, because I'm going on Sunday You are gone Yeah, well not to San Francisco I'm going to the thing In on the beach somewhere I'm in the garden. Because it was today, too.

Can you take your girlfriend with you? Yeah, she's going to go. She's got a lot of respect. And it's actually, it's very nice that you're here tonight, because you're like, you're very similar to her. Like, she was my aunt, so she was. This is your dad's sister? No, a dad's, I guess maybe she was a cousin.

She's dad's, she's my dad's cousins. Yeah, she's my dad's cousin, but she's basically my aunt. Well, you know, in Russian, the word for cousin is the same as the word for sister. Okay. So it's considered a, even if it's your dad's cousin, it's like his sister. Yeah. And no, but it's, I'm going to do that. But she, it was, she was a great lady.

But it's not, it's good. It was, she wasn't paying. So, but anyways, I'm going to have a good weekend other than that. I got fucking Indianapolis this weekend. Tickets are selling fast. Don't fuck around. The stars are already landed. I got the call at 3.30 today that the stars of debt were already in the,

Annapolis ready for me to fucking eat when I get there in the hotel. What are you looking forward to an Indianapolis? Rest and relaxation. I got to do a lot of fucking writing for four fucking days. So I got to write a lot this week. I got to have something ready by Monday at least on paper. What do you have to write? I got to write a pilot for somebody and they want to see it.

I got everything on already. I just have to write it according to the paperwork they gave. Yeah. So if I can do that, it's not something I'm selling or nothing. I'm just doing an exercise. Yeah. So that's what I'm doing this weekend. I'm going to start tomorrow on the flight.

What do you think your pilot would be called? Start my dick and call me, Shorty. Okay. I was born in 1940. No, no, no, no. This isn't even that type of pilot, to be honest. Somebody just came to me and said, just give me an idea.

I have an idea for this. What do you think? Fill in the blanks to me. So I said, you know what? It's a muscle. I need to work anyway. what are you doing the plane for four fucking hours? How many times can you watch concussion?

How many times can you watch the first pilot and the first episode of Vinyl? Right. You know, so how many times can I listen to the same? Oh, shit. Oh, it's plugging in. Don't let me fucking forget the iPod. How many times when this is the same music on the iPod?

So sometimes I get high and I get down the plane. I go, you know what? I pull the computer out. I pull a notebook out. And if I could write for an hour and a half until I get impatient, it's not a bad move for Uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying?

And it's just a good muscle to have that years ago I never had. I had the ideas, but now I know how to put them together. What do you think about people who do a new special every year and have to write? And then they get rid of that material and have to write all brand new material? That's the game. Yeah. That's the game. Right now I'm in hell.

I'm doing half new and half old because I have to write a special. So you're trying to write a special. It's a fucking difficult job. Because here's the problem. Okay, so you write a special. While you're writing a special, you're on the fucking road. Yeah. Putting all the touches to it.

Bobby, pop, pop, bah, bah. Yeah, you come to LA and you go to flappers and you go to the store and you go to this place and you go to that place. But let me tell you something. 50 minutes is 50 fucking minutes. You could write chunks. You follow me? Yeah.

You could write chunks of shit. and put 20 minutes together. But to really flow it together, it's like a training camp. I feel for you to have a mac. You know, I saw Chris Rock in the old days. I saw Chris Rock go out Thursday, Friday, Saturday. But Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, he would, he would, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday,

he would get Richard Jenny, Louis C.K. and Nick DePa. And on Monday nights, they would start to laugh after you, Latino night. And Chris Rock would go in there. And he'd do 15 minutes. And then they'd get in their car. And then they'd rush to the improv. And then he'd do 15 minutes there.

And Richard Jenny would give him notes. Oh, they're giving him notes. And then he would go to whatever the fuck it was. Now, do you think, okay, that's Chris Rock, because he can get up anywhere in town. Right. He can go to any club. Can I just say the world?

Can I just say if he went into a club in London, they would let him on. And if he went into a club in Amsterdam, they would let him on probably, right? They might not believe it's him, but they would let him on. He can probably write a new hour in a year. Okay, but he would get,

let's say he'd get $250,000 advance from whatever. He gets Kyra, Lee and me and he goes 50 grand apiece I need 15 minutes I'm talking about Don't hold back Kira

I'm giving you a $10,000 The next six weeks You're putting your career on hold for me Oh Everything you write For Uncle Joey Right

Is gonna be What You know what I'm saying Like this is it So That's a smart way Yes I know comics That do that

I get it. I get it. So, okay, that makes sense. I myself, I myself, don't think a comic personally myself in my world could have a one year, a new hour. I don't either. Unless I fucking go out three weeks a month and while I'm here, I'm out three or four nights. Yeah. Doing 20 minute chunks.

Yeah. So I would do 15 minute chunks. What I would do is break my 45 minutes into three-minute chunks and go to Flappers Monday, Ha-ha Tuesday, and blah-ba-ba-ba-B Wednesday. Yeah. That's one idea. You have to just turn into a machine.

You have to turn into a machine. And the daytime you have to write and you have to listen to that tape. Yes. Like one thing, I went to whatever last weekend and put the, I didn't, not once. Every night I go, tonight I'm going to tape this set. And I fucking once I tape it. And it's such a bad habit. But it's, for me, it's even more painful to hear that fucking ten.

Me too. It's painful to hear my voice. It's painful to hear my stupid jokes. It's painful. So now, here's the other dilemma. So now, Joe Diaz and Kay and Felicia and Lee go out every night, four nights a week. You go on the road, do your material, blah, blah, blah. You get an hour.

Come November, you put your hour down. Guess what happens in December? You got to go out. What material are you doing? You have no material. The same one from the fucking special. They saw the special and they saw you developing the fucking jokes. So now what about those six months?

You just developed those material out. Those are your fans. You're going to shoot your special October. It comes out in fucking January. And here you are. They're going to go, and they're going to go, he did that material in Chicago. He did that material in fucking Cincinnati.

So it's a really tough job, people, to put this together. A special right now is, a tough job if you have help if you have somebody putting makeup on you and picking your wardrobe when I did my smash I did it like a Puerto Rican

that's why I didn't work out we were talking at the beginning of the podcast of people you learned from other people's mistakes yeah we talked about people who shoot their own pilots I got a I pitch CBS I pitch Fox

I pitch fucking NBC and I pitched ABC and they didn't like my idea fucked them bro, I know people who have told me this in 99. My family refinanced the house and we got 300K, we're going to shoot our own pilot. And them having a party,

you know that place next to coaching horses down the corner? It's like if you have a premiere and you're a fucking half a fucking yum and you have no dough, they let you do it there. Yeah. They did it in there. They had cocktails and bartenders. And I'll never forget going.

And I went, not as a judgmental person. I went, just to see. When I went to that fucking thing, and they've showed that pilot, A, it was fucking terrible. But then I watched the fucking white people who hung out afterward. And all the people that were lying to this couple,

and, you know, she was about to sign with somebody's manager, and they already had a buyer for the pilot who knew the same guy who did Darmine, Greg, and, you know, about three years ago, I MDB those people. That's the last thing they did. Yeah. They packed up their bags and laughed

with a $300,000 fucking hole. And how many people shot their own TV pilots? Because nobody picked it up, we're going to sell it ourselves. At least 40. Wow. I just saw a chick on that fucking show with the Chinese people on ABC

that shot her own pilot and came to me and asked me to shoot it, that she had a boyfriend that was at ABC. and they were going to pick up the pilot. That girl was one of them. She used somebody else and they didn't pay them. There was a problem.

Yeah, those things were always a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Look, I just shot my own special. And it's, at least that's something that's going to air. But, man, to do it all on your own, it's bananas. Are you going to go? Well, it's so difficult about it. Well, because not only,

I had to get investors. I had to crowd fund. That was the last time I was here. I got, look, I better make some money on this thing. I got the Russian mob. They put money into it. They don't fuck around. You know, so it's like, uh, hi. Um, you know, it's hard. It's hard. It is hard. But that's different than a pilot. I made it stress free. And that's why the special failed. Because I didn't put enough pressure on myself. Yeah. Because I knew the odds. in the back of my mind were going to be tough whether I was going to sell it to Netflix

or whatever the fuck I was going to sell it to. So I knew going in that I was working against Tide and when we brought it back and we put it together I looked at it in the first five minutes I go, shut off. Oh, jeez.

I knew right off the bat. And I wanted to smack myself in the face. I lost the money, the investment myself, but some, you know, this is the big boy league. Sometimes you've got to take a beat. to learn. It showed me something. You don't want to put out something that you're not proud of it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And you know what I could have put it out in pieces and made stories up? Forget it. Just leave it the fuck alone. Just forget about it. It's not going to work out. What's up, dog? What's up, beautiful? Look at you. Got the nice shoes on today. A little fucking Johnny Capizio under respect for fucking Prince. A fuck you think you're dealing with. Felicia went deep in the closet today. She said, I'm busting the fucking Capizio's out. You know what I'm saying? I have never seen.

Felicia not look on point. It's a scary fucking proposition. Not once. Not once. Well, yeah, but if we could combine the two of us to a superpower. You know, man, being a woman's a tough fucking job, you know. And all these women have beauty secrets and shit. And the beauty secret is water, sleep, and don't get fucking married. I'll stay beautiful for a long fucking time, okay?

You know, no offense. I know you're married. I know my wife is married, but you look at women, you don't know the fucking formula. And in Hollywood today, what's the formula? They chop my face up to look like a fucking Martian. I couldn't. To shoot something.

Now you're in a room full of eight other Martians looking at each other, sending each other space signals, and shit. And at the end of the day, it's, you know, the fucking water, walking around, breathing. and just being stressed fucking free as a woman. Look at the women.

The women of the smoking crack. That's a stressful job. They lose their teeth. They got a bunch of fucking wrinkles. You know, the crack wrinkles are the hardest because nothing at Sephora helps with crack wrinkles. No, the reason why I... And go to the Korean baths. Can we add that to the list?

Please. Please, can we add that to... You know that I'm an addict, right? We should go. What? You go with you. Oh, I go all the time. Jackie Kishuan won't.

go with me, but I know she goes behind my back. She'll tweet when she's at a Korean spa. I'm here, naked, thinking of you. Really? And I tweet this, I tweet too. I go, hey, Jackie, I'm at a Korean spa, naked thinking of you. I love it. I think it's, can it be on your list, please?

I'll try it. Okay, put it on. No, no, on your list that you just listed. Drink water, walk around, breathe, Korean spa. And go to Korean fucking spa. Get a little massage, a little circulation to your legs and shit. Avoid the Verico's ravines. Yeah.

That's the whole fucking thing. You know, it's tough to give a blowjob, but you got a varicose brain on your ass, you know what I'm saying? I mean, look, unless the varicose vein is something sexy, you know. That's right. Something you're in. Mine are not, unfortunately. They'd look like traffic on the 405, you know,

and your map is all just red. The map is fucked up. I look at these kids, and I'm like, fuck, you guys, fucked my buddy. Now, who sold the special to all these streaming sites here? Did you do this all your cell force? You got on the emails and blasted them. I had a manager.

who made two phone calls. Right. They're not going to do that. And he said, I got two nose. And I go, okay, so what? I get nose all the time. And he goes, I don't know. I don't know if he can sell.

I got two nose. It probably can't sell. And they said a couple of things that were not very nice. So I had to get rid of them and sell it myself. He probably couldn't even get his foot to the fucking door.

I know, I know. He probably even look at the special. That's the hard thing that half of these guys. I had to do it myself. I figured I'm already doing everything else to yourself. I made the baby. Well, I had my husband's help. But, you know, I'm doing it all.

I might as well just, I'm not saying it like in a martyr type of way. I'm just like, all right, let's just get this done. You know what I mean? It's just like, let's just get this done. So I'll just do it. I applaud you for shooting it because just putting together a special. You shot it pregnant. You shot it, go fund me.

And not like, oh, you're pregnant. It was like. Yeah, no, you were ready of fucking boss pregnant. You know. Oh, my God. Your water could have broke right there. That must have been stressful. It might as well have broken because I peed the entire time.

I'm not joking. I wish I was joking. The entire time I was pissing myself. Because when you're pregnant, you have to pee every 20 minutes, right? What did you do? You put a girdle on? A girdle. No, I didn't put a girdle on.

I pissed. I pissed. You got off the stage and pissed. No. You put the pens on. No. Where'd you fucking piss? Just where I was standing.

On stage. Well, Yes, I had to, the show must go on, Joey. So you're telling me when I'm watching this show, every 20 minutes you're going to bend over and pee. No, I'm not going to bend over. Okay, what are you going to? I'm just telling jokes. Okay, when does the pee come out?

Well, you got to look closely. Are you serious? Look, when you have to pee and you're pregnant, it's just, it's, I, when you shoot a special for Showtime, right? When I shot my Showtime special, they gave me a 12 o'clock call time, you get in hair and makeup at 1230, get on stage at 1, shoot your, shoot your, special and then go home. Right. When you're doing it yourself. Right.

I was there at 10 a.m. helping organize everything and they hang the lights and we had to create a whole stage. And I mean, we had to create a stage in this venue. And then I'm on at 8 p.m. So I'm running around. I'm drinking lots of water to stay hydrated. I forget to pee. Here I am on stage.

My body's like, oh, now we can relax. So watch the special. So if I'm watching the special, Do I see a puddle in the front of your legs? I don't know. You have HD? I don't know what you're watching it on. You watch it on your iPhone?

Maybe not. If you got like a movie theater in your house, maybe, I don't know. I don't know what you're going to see. I'm just telling you that's the honest truth. I can only be honest. I actually met with my director today. We had lunch. And I go, look, I'm going to tell people what honestly happened during the special.

He goes, knock yourself out because he knows. I was peeing the whole time. The entire. Pollo's on the stage. Where's the fucking Pigo, Kairos O'Connovich? Where's the fucking PGO? I was magic.

It was magic. Did you have a depend on? No. I don't even think I was wearing underwear. Why do you say this shit, because it's just the truth. I don't want to lie. This is just the truth.

Look, a lot of people. Thankfully, just black pants. A lot of people who want to like come on and say like, everything worked out perfectly. No, it was fucked up. There was a baby in the front row. Someone brought a fucking baby to my special. A baby.

And if you look closely again, you'll see the baby. The camera cat. Front row. And this was Orange County. So they were a very nice black couple with this very cute black baby with little pom-pom ponytail on the side of her face. She was adorable. But I can't very well tell the only black people to get to the back of the room.

Right? Orange County? I can't say that. So there they are in my special. Baby's crying. I mean, it was fucked up, but it still worked out. You shot it. It worked out.

You got it streaming, you know? It's going to be on Amazon. And God knows what could fucking happen in the next six months if it ends up on Nescafe, whatever the fuck that is. It could go to Netflix in June or July, but it's just sometimes they don't happen perfectly. I can relate to you when you shot yours and you're like, what the fuck is going on? Oh, I know five people who shot specials and they're like, what happened? Yeah.

You don't want to fucking know. I was too invested. I'm not kidding you. There is Russian mob money in this special. I have to pay it back. I like my fingers. So people better fucking watch. All right.

So when does it premiere? Next Tuesday. Monday, Monday, Monday. Monday, Monday. Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday. Monday, Monday, Monday. I don't know how it works. That's a really good question.

I don't know how these, this is a whole new world, right? Like, I don't know when things premiere. I know like when I watch shows on Amazon, they just appear on my Amazon when they're supposed to be there. they just appear. So maybe it's like Monday morning. I don't know what morning is. I don't know.

But it'll be there. It'll be on video on demand. It'll be on Dish Network. Anywhere you get streaming content. This is, uh... It's out. It's out. And you do this command no style, no manager, no agent, nobody behind you.

No manager, no agent, no underwear. And a child with a Puerto Rican husband at home. Puerto Rican, two Puerto Rican babies. I have contributed to the. browning of society. You're welcome, America. What's her skin tone like? Is it great? You know what? My son looks more Latino than the new baby. I don't know who she is. I don't know what this new baby's all about. How old is she now? She's eight months. Beautiful. Oh my God. I'm crazy about this kid. I'm crazy about her. I just, I take her and I squeeze her way too tight. Way too tight.

It's borderline like, all right, relax, relax. I just, I just. I just, I'm crazy about her. But they also, you know, they also cockblock your careers. They do. It's okay. They give you a different career. That's what it is. They give you a different career.

You know, I had some moms over for a comedian's baby shower. I wasn't going to do a baby shower for the second baby, right? Because we got all the shit, right? So we had some moms over. And there were a couple that never had kids. And, you know, them, they were angry. They were angry. They were like,

Mitzi told us never to have kids. So we listened to Mitzi. It's a different career. You know, you get a different career when you have them, right? Felicia, you can relate. My world has been really fucking exciting

for me. Like, I don't know what I'd do at this point without it. Yeah. Like, it's that fucking much like I'm in. Yeah. Like, I'm really here. And I don't really give a fuck about anything.

Like, she's it. But don't you feel like your drive changed? Because it's not just about you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. When I leave the fucking house, now I got a gun on me all fucking day. Like, now you really got a...

Yeah, it really did because I like what's going on. So I want this to continue. Yeah. You know, the baby's happy. The wife is happy. So... You know what my five-year-old said to me? He goes,

Mommy, can you try harder in your career so we can have a big backyard? Jesus Christ. I was like, how many dick jokes do I have to tell to get this kid a backyard? You fucking work. We had this conversation at dinner that night that you work. And this town sometimes has a weird way of rewarding people that really work in a weird way. Yeah. You know, we have so many outlets now.

that people like you never lose. There are so many outlets going on for people right now. If you really want it, you don't lose. Yeah. Right now there's a kid in Indiana and Indiana saying, man, I love comedy. You know what? I'm going to put a brick wall here, and he's going to fucking put a fucking GoPro on the wall, and he's going to tap into Periscope and every night.

That's how Johnny calls him. You know, you never fucking know. Right, right. This kid's going to transmit all over the world from a fucking wall like this. Yeah. That costs you $35 fucking dollars, you know, a brick wall. That's how easy it is. You don't need anybody today.

Nothing. Nothing. There's an app on that fucking computer. You stay up tonight that you can pay-per-view on a vent. You can pay-per-view in a fucking vent right now. And start with zero. And every week go up and go, you're missing life, 44-95. and you'll get two, and then you'll get four, and then you'll get eight,

and it's 44-95. That's what fights are, you know, HD, $44. They don't know who the fight. And eventually, people start going on a Friday night and going, I'm not saying you could charge $44. Right. But my point is, if you had a fucking thing that came up to you, you know, and there's got to be a search engine that you go,

people who stay home and smoke dope, you know, people have taken surveys that they enjoy, staying home or smoking dope or people that watch a lot of YouTube videos or something, there's got to be something that you can measure people's computer by YouTube bits and get a message to them and say, hey, there's a pay-per-view

event tonight. Yeah. Comedians from the Ice House, $5.00. How many fucking people, comedy clubs, are thinking about that right now going, should we say something? Before somebody else says something?

Yeah. Or fucking should we just, wait for some fucking genius to go fuck going out to comedy clothes. For $8 a month you can watch comedy fucking live every Friday night

from your fucking house. But here's the issue though. How would you deal with the new content? Because if you're doing it every week on the internet, people can watch anywhere. That eliminates touring. People are home. People are home.

So what do you say? You'll just be like it's the same act? I don't fucking know. Oh, Lee, what are you going to ask me these stupid questions? Who gives a fuck? I'm just saying four fucking people for $5 on a Friday night from 8 to fucking 10. Live on your computer, on your Apple TV, you pay $5 on PayPal, and boom, it comes up. They don't need to know who the fuck it is.

The more you tell them, the least you're going to get. This is what I'm saying. They don't need to know dick. Nothing. Stand-up comedy, four comedians. Five fucking dollars. How long till you start selling $2,000 on Friday night at $5 fucking dollars? because the word gets out.

You know what I'm saying? David Tau, what are you doing Friday night? I know, you ever go to Gardner Stages? You ever go to Gardner stages downstairs? Oh, Gardner, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, the fucking Thai plays. The Thai plays around the corner. It's disgusting.

You go downstairs. You get 14, 15, fucking, they did comedy. They have been years. 11 o'clock, that kid, they even taped the fucking show. That kid that comes on at 1 o'clock and talks about music and bands. He comes on NBC.

What the fuck is his name, Lee? Oh, Carson Daly. Carson Daly used to go there on Friday nights, and they would do comedy there, and he'd tape it. All its seats is 40 people. Who gives a fuck? You think the people who... Gardener stage people don't even know what the fuck you're doing.

You don't even have to go in there with big cameras. You go in there with fucking... You get some genius to put a splitter together and get three GoPros right on Periscope. Right on fucking Periscope. He was telling me that there's women on Periscope. show you that pussy for money. So that's already going on on a fucking periscope.

Well, that was a matter of time. Comedy's fucking next. How do you charge people on Periscope? Lee, how do they do it on Pariscope? You have to buy tickets or cookies or some shit. Right, you got to buy something weird. They had a scam already. Right now there's a fucking kid going to win a second.

I live in Sherman Oaks. You know what you should do? You know those cam sites where the girls get naked? That's it. Same thing. Do comedy on there. Do comedy on there because they get coins. Just overtake it.

There's people who sit at home and play video games, and people pay them to watch them play fucking video games. They're rich kids, okay? Same thing. You just keep throwing people up in the room. Coming to the stage. Flam-Bam, thank you, ma'am. He goes up there, lights himself on fire if you like the act,

put money in the box, just like Jerry Lewis in his fucking telethon. That's a great idea. Eventually, it's going to fucking happen. Some slick asses, you know what? I had an idea for a show They gave it to Steve whatever Hostetler He got laughs

And we're going to do our own fucking laughs At 11 o'clock at night on Saturday Go ahead to head From a cave in Hollywood And let's see who fucking shows up for five dollars There's a thousand caves In Hollywood Thousands by Shrader

All those wild streets There's thousands of rooms guys You don't know about What was that girl's name They used to do a Japanese restaurant On Quentin You fucking giggle about it. Remember?

And it got big, too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a lot. Was it a Japanese restaurant? Yes, it was an old mafia Japanese restaurant. They know sushi. They sold sake, and that's it, motherfucker. That's all you get.

We don't have crackers here. I do remember. Do you remember? All those little rooms there are still there, like now Stouts there, and there's a bunch of 24-7s there, and they change Houston's and all. that shit. I remember there was a place right where, I think it was an Italian restaurant that was also

like in the, in the basement that was. Machilles. Was it Machilles? Machiles had comedy upstairs or downstairs on Sunday nights. Yes. And then on Ivor, that little theater on the corner, they had comedy on Saturday nights at 11. They paid 3750 or some shit. You got to get you.

3750. The Chely's was packed every time I did it. The Chilis was packed. Yeah. This is 10 years ago. Yeah. Mike. Mike used to host it.

He was half retard. He was a boxer. He got listening ahead a couple times. He got to be careful around him and shit. He was also a waiter. He's not there no more. Something happened. I don't know what the fuck happened.

No, man. Listen, when I saw, you see, every 90 days, you see somebody on Facebook or Twitter that's shooting their own motherfucking special. Yeah. Fuck Netflix. and those punk-ass bitches.

Yeah. And they shoot their own special, and it's very seldom that you see a follow-up. A year later, saying it's edited cut, it's ready to view. So, yeah. Especially in a world today

where everybody's taking shots of fucking female comics and shit like that, and not getting enough spots, they're not doing nothing. It's true. You know, it's a truth. So you just say, fuck this shit. No.

I'm going to do my own special. I don't need an agent. I don't need a fucking manager. I don't need none of these motherfuckers. it's great to see it, man. So I do it. Thank you. Police is going to shoot the next special.

We're going to shoot it right in this motherfucker against the flag. $5.00 pay-per-view. Hey, man. 50 minutes is 50 minutes. I'm telling you, guys, there's club owners going, yeah,

I don't know. But a club owner better jump on that racket before a civilian jumps on it and says, and there's comics that aren't working that don't fucking do. that shit. Oh, yeah.

Those people who come on Steve Hotlist to this show. I've never seen that one of those people. I know. Not one of those people have I seen at a club. And I'm sorry, I'm hip. I try to be hip to the comics. I don't think they pay the comics anything. No, well, they took them to court and now they pay them.

Now they have to pay them like a one day, yeah, shoot fee. Okay. I didn't they're paying them $20. The first season, they paid the comics $20. Is that the show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They weren't paying them. They weren't paying.

Oh, they weren't. No, I mean, I'm not going to say not at all because I read the article. years ago, but they were very low if they paid the money. Yeah, I think it was like 20 bucks. And like the executive producer just said like it's for it's to get seen.

Exposure. Exposure. Yeah. Somebody sued them and I don't know what they had to pay him after, but they got to give you at least. Comes on Fox. 11 o'clock, that's Mad TV money. Yeah. So the same money Mad TV paid,

they got to give you half. They have to give you something. You know, even there's no comment. Who's she? I'm surprised that more reality stars haven't sued, or any reality stars haven't sued, like production companies. Oh, the contracts they have are insane.

Like, the money that they've made off of them. Yeah. For the money that they give them. Especially not, like, they have stars, like Snooky, but, like, I'm talking about, like, sea level cable channel reality shows. Right.

But they don't give them nothing. Yeah. And then they made it. It's crazy. With the black people, yonle on each other? All of it. One of those fucking shows.

I see that all the time. A bunch of black women from Atlanta yelling at each other. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. Oh, is it the housewives? One of them, the basketball wives. Oh, basketball wives. They got like three or four of them or something. But that's even good.

There's like terrible. Like all those channels that you go through and you skip, they have reality TV. And it's not good. It's like some of them I've worked on some that were just terrible. Dance moms? I don't know. I've never watched it. You know, I think.

I think when I started setting my own parameters, I felt a shift in my career. So maybe I didn't like say it out loud to a lot of people. But if someone wanted me to do a show, let's say an hour away from L.A., in my mind, I knew I'm not going to do it for less than X amount. And I just started saying, no, let me know when you have a budget and I'll come do your show. That's an hour drive. Like I started setting like parameters. Like if it's an hour, I need to get paid this. It's my time.

You know, if it's further, I need to get, you know, I need to get, none of this. Like, can you come out to Palm Springs for 70 bucks? No. No. I can't. No. Nobody should do that unless they are in Palm Springs. I mean, I've done it already.

I've done it. Thank you. But it comes back to the whole exposure thing. It's like, I appreciate it. Thank you for calling. Let me know when you have more money in your budget. Well, there's a lot of scammers out there. And there's, right now we live in a Hollywood where Monday through Thursday, the clubs know that they won't do dick.

So what they do is get independent producers. Yeah. Which I don't mind at all. It's great for the business. What ticks me off at any level, what ticks me off is that you have a deal with the improv. You give away 200 tickets. So Felicia Michaels works hard. She has a newspaper article.

She's part of a podcast. She just has a special. She's relevant. Okay? They put Felicia on the show and Dane Cook. You know, they sell the fucking, they sell half the room. The improv gives them $6,700. And again, and I hate to say this,

I wipe my ass with the hundred bucks that you're going to give me. Yeah. But do me a favor and make the fucking effort. Take $50 from the seven years. you're taking and pay for the guys. Let me at least, you know what, don't give Felicia 50 bucks. Give Lee, who did seven minutes. Give him 50 bucks.

Felicia won't mind that. She's a real comic. She knows what it is to be that fucking guy over that. You know, you do these producer rooms. Nobody even says thank you. Then they call you once a room. They put your name on there with free fucking tickets and not even a fucking friendly, fuck you.

You know what I'm saying? Like it just gets to the point where there's a lot of sneaky fucking people out there. I had a situation years ago. For some reason, for two or three years, people kept calling me for YouTube movies. I had a string of two fucking years that it was either a YouTube movie

or a $100 a day movie. Okay. And I just said, one day I go, you know what, a $100 day movies? Again, I'm very flattered that you thought of me, but it's 80 fucking $250 after taxes, which I got to pay an agent $10.

Number two, I got to dry clean my own clothes. And number three, you're going to shoot at night because you're so fucking cheap, you've got to use like the cemetery across the street at three in the morning. Which means I don't fucking sleep and I lose a day. Usually when you agree to those 100-law day movies,

guess what happens Thursday? You got three guest star auditions and they really want to see your 10, 15. But you're already committed to this jerk off for a hundred-dollar fucking day at a cemetery at 3 in the fucking morning. That's when you say, you know what? Next time somebody calls me one of these,

I'm not fucking doing it. And I did that. And I got a call once. And the agent called me and he goes, hey, they want to use you. I don't know. I'm not doing it. I'm not fucking doing it.

And it was a fucking one-armed emcee. What? I need this in my life. I need this in my life, Alicia. I'm smoking dope. Yeah, they go like, put the arm behind you and they want you to go out there and be like lurch and shit.

Lurch. And I was like, listen, I don't want to do it. And my agent kept calling me, listen, they called you from that movie again. They really want you to fucking do it. They'll throw another arm. arm in if you'll do it. They'll make you a two arm now.

They really want you to do it. They really want you to do it. I'm not fucking doing it. And then they call back and they go, they want to give you $750 a day. It's three days. They promise they'll send a car for you and you're in and out and I go, listen dog,

I don't want to fucking do it. There's a really interesting story. A week later they call and they go, Joey, they're coming up to the date. They don't want to fuck around. What do you want? I thought about it. And I said three days.

And they said, though, It's one, eight-hour day, one, like, three-hour day, and one, like, two-hour day. And I was like, you know, where's the shoot? You know, again, it was like the edge of fucking hell. Like some town I never heard of in between, like, Bakersfield and Elsa Gondot. You know, one of those towns that you don't even know. It's called L.A. No, no, no, it was hot.

It was like four-hour drive. So it's eight hours. That's four each way. Three and a half hours. There's no airport. So it was seven hours. To be out there. No, no, no, no.

It was like one of those places where they say to you, do you know where Bakersfield is? And you're like, yeah, and they're like 62 months north from there in a small town called like El Bamba or something. You know, it was one of those things. And I did the math and I go, you know what? I could really use the money, but I made myself a promise. I thought back to that fucking graveyard at 3 in the morning.

I never want to feel like that again. Call them back. I said, I asked for 5Gs. And they called back and said, done. So they had the money. They had the money. Yeah. So what the fuck's going on?

They always have the money. They always, those a whole holiday movies, they always got the money. Because they make the stars producers. So that fucking dude that was the third guy and the movie with Matt Damon and the other guy that didn't have two fucking lines in the movie, now he's the star of this one. And he's a producer and the fucking actor. So he gets a double rate and the producers rate. He's there with a smile on his face, and they're bringing him fucking, what's he drinking?

Champagne cocktail. No, he's drinking Starbucks. They're bringing him Starbucks. You're sitting there drinking a communist fucking coffee. You know, and he's giggling the whole way because he's making money on this fucking movie. Meanwhile, you're jumping fences and getting chased by fucking dogs and shit like that.

So I told him no. Forgetting it. They're like, well, Joey, they're paying you your money. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I got comedy that weekend. I mean, it's got to call the club and canceling for what?

A movie that nobody's ever going to fucking see. Let's be, let's fucking face it. And before that, I got a call. Like a week before that, some jerk off about a baseball movie. I can't even say the names of the people that he had in the movie. He called me to sell me because I got your name

from a chiropractor. What the fuck are you talking about? When he told me he knew you, I thought you'd be perfect for the role. I said, send me over the script. He goes, it's a great shoot. You're going to shoot for eight days. I go, where's this shoot?

He goes, Utah. And I go, Doug, that's not going to work. I can't be aware from my family for eight days, for $100 a day. Oh, my God. Yeah, but it's $900 plus overtime. Again, it's nine fucking days. I can't do it.

No way. You shoot three and send me home for four and I'll come back, but it's not going to work. No. And the guy called and called and called. And he made me a pretty sweet deal, plus he got me a weekend at the club. And wise guys.

He goes, I called the owner, he'll give you the weekend. You could do a door deal. And I said, you know what? I'm not doing a holiday movie. They were pissed. And then I down this other guy, the one arm fucking bend it. And I said, no. And I said, you know what?

I'm a fucking asshole. And a week later, I got the De Niro Stallone movie. So sometimes you make a personal promise to yourself. Yeah. I didn't say none to Terry. I didn't say none to Terry. I didn't say none to Lee. I just said, I'm done with that.

You know what? I used to follow Paul Mooney at the comedy store at midnight. That means something in my fucking world. Right, right, right. Just because I don't have a sitcom and shit, that's my fucking metal. Who gave it to me? Me! That's who fucking gave it to me.

And you make that decision. And a week later, I got the call for the Stallone movie. Whether the movie sucked or not, I didn't work for $100 a day. Right. That was the fucking point. I just said, no, I don't give a fuck. Fuck my insurance. It'll work out.

Somebody will fucking hire you for what you're worth. That's what you said. Somebody will hire you for a way. You got to see my Facebook. I wake up every morning with six messages. Four of them are tremendous deals. You got to see the deals in the office I get. People think they're doing me a fucking favor.

Not doing me no fucking favor. I have a YouTube thing that I wanted you to do for me. I ain't doing no fucking news. He was drinking while I did that bit. I should have waited. He was like, oh, shit. No, because that's how, listen, I didn't get thrown out of the store. I didn't get thrown out of the store

What's that fucking movie When they go to fucking Arabia And they blow the fucking place up And they have to send the FBI With Jennifer Garner and Matt Fox Jamie Fox And the fucking English guy goes in there Has to torment the head of the FBI

This is a hard game He goes in there And he has to torment the guy from the FBI And tell him why the team has to go to fucking Saudi Arabia To do the test on the bombs And the guy's like We don't have the deal with the deal

diplomatic immunity. He goes, listen, man, I'm going to fucking quote a speech. The kingdom. That's a fucking badass movie. I was going to say Ghostbusters. I was way off. He goes, I'm going to tell you a little speech at McCartimeon, whatever. He's fucking slick, this white dude, slick. He goes, I'm going to tell you a little speech. And at the end of the speech, he goes, I'd rather walk out of

there. What does he say? He says, I haven't seen it. He goes, I either walk out of there on my feet or on my knees. I choose my feet. And he goes, one of the first they tell you in the Naval Academy is you have to write your obituary. Oh my God. He just reads it to the guy, but suddenly like, do you have an idea who you're fucking with? I don't know what the point of the story was.

Don't get me wrong. When you just say it to write your own obituary, that is fucking up. He goes, he was just telling the guy if you don't do this, you're going to fucking die. Like, you don't understand. Like, I'm just reading you your riot act, you know? So I don't even know how we got to this point. Lee, what's going on with you, Doug? You good?

Yeah, I don't know why. You're just sitting there with that shirt thinking to yourself, what am I going to do with my fucking life? Thank Joey. Thank God Joey's got pastolitos. Becky got pastilitos to go for later to balance out your diabetic fucking sugar buzz. You know what I'm saying?

They've been like ninjas throwing stars around this place. You know how we do it? That's what we are. We're Chinese fucking ninja. What till you're throwing one at you? You haven't even felt a love yet, the shit. You know what I'm saying? Ooh, there's one right here.

Bring that over here. Listen, man. Tell the people everything there is about this special. Your fucking family. What is this shadow box comedy? Oh, no, that's just for me. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you?

Go ahead, drop it on me. Drop everything there is to know. Oh, my special. Well, it's called you did this to me. Okay. Who did it to you? It's open-ended. It's open-ended.

You know, I complain about everything. complain about my family and immigrants and my in-laws. So it's like, everybody, you did this to me. I shot at seven months pregnant. Crowdfunded. So part of the crowdfunding for 25,000, I think I told you, right, you could cut the cord if you donated that much money or if you contributed to my crowd fund. By the way, no one, no one bit that one, the 25,000. But for 20,000, you could help us name our kid. And somebody did give us that. Yeah, they helped us name our daughter. Yeah. Yeah.

You hit the jackpot. You did some creative things on it. Her name's Tyrone. Really? Jesus Christ. So we raised the money and we shot it ourselves and I got distribution and it's coming out finally. A year later.

I shot it Mother's Day of last year. So do you have to go to a website or? So it'll be on Amazon. I don't know how people find streaming stuff, but it's on Amazon. It's on, it's going to be Hulu. Netflix in June or July, fingers crossed. Please, please. Google Play, iTunes, Dish Network, Video on Demand, all the places where you, you know what Vimeo is doing?

Vimeo's releasing specials? I don't know how it works. Something called Voodoo. Like I don't even know what Voodoo is, but it's going to be on Voodoo. Like I told you, it doesn't matter. Yeah, Deadpool's already out on that. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be on Voodoo.

Wherever you go find your streaming entertainment. I think maybe you just spell your name and say the name of the special. No, honestly, so people can search it. That's how they're going to find it. Twitter, follow me on Twitter, I'm sure. Kyra Soltanovich. So close. Are you fucking nuts or what?

At Kira Comedy, they can follow me on the Twitter. And I'll have info for people. Kira, I gotta tell you, man, I've been seeing here at the store since 98. A young girl going up there without a born, her, banging it out. I wasn't wearing underwear back then either. I wasn't looking, man. I wasn't looking. I was just looking at you and saying, what the fuck do they do up there?

Is everybody here wearing underwear? for me. Barnhart's got a good looking fucking women. You wear underwear? You do too? I always wear underwear. All right. All right. I guess I'll try it. We'll see. If I'm at Jiu-Jitsu, I got underwear on. Late night, I got no underwear. Yeah. See?

You know what I'm saying? I took a shower. These things is fresh. Who gives a fuck about underwear, right or wrong? I agree with you. That was one for the name of the special. You never wear underwear? I mean, sure. I do. Yes. Yes. Jersey. You're fucking nuts. Like that's the main people who complain that people should wear underwear. Like if you don't wear underwear, there's always a woman in the room that says,

what if we get into an accident? You always have to have clean underwear. I never understood what difference that made. When they're trying to take your shoulder out of your back, no one's going to care about your clean underwear. So I don't understand that. You know, I thought more guys went to mando than women, but you've mentioned that eight times.

You didn't have underwear. I'm just... You're just peeing all over the stage like a cat. You talk about what you know, right? That's what they're saying. Like a cat. Let me give up a shot. Don't forget, I'm in Indianapolis this weekend,

and I'm in Sacramento 513 or 512, whatever. We got time to adjust it. The most important thing is tomorrow night at fucking Indianapolis Crackers. We ain't fucking around. The star's already there. Voodoo's there. It's crazy.

Just make sure you get tickets online for crackers tomorrow. all night. What are we going to talk about here? Oh, honor.com always. Number one, I love them with all my fucking heart. For the Shroom Tech Sport, the Hemphorce protein, the best chocolate-fucking flavor protein on the market. I love it.

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Again, that's the T-H-E for the stupid fucks. The-Tracker.com promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. I want to thank On it. I want to thank Tracker. I want to thank me on these. I want to thank all our sponsors. I want to thank my beautiful Kira Soltanovich. I want to wish you a lot of luck on the special.

That's coming on the second of May on all the outlets. What is it? Spasiba. That's thank you in Russian. Oh, see what I'm saying? For people that were wondering, pernil. Is the name of the pork. Yeah.

It's a fucking tremendous. That's what Lee had today. Lee had Per Niel. Cuban version of that. At the Cuban version of it. Oh, my God. Puerto Ricans have it too. They rub sand on it.

Oh, God. It's a taste like underneath. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God, it's so good. It's amazing. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. As not too many people, you have an open invite. If you need some, you're always family to the show.

You know I love you. Warm's my heart. You need for me to plug any of your dates. Let me know. You have any dates coming up you want to plug? I mean, I'm in Miami, May 14th. Where at? I don't know.

I don't have it in front of me. We'll get back to me. I'll get back to you. A little love for my girlfriend. Felicia looking good. Felicia's sitting there like an innocent girl. She don't know nothing. Just waiting for like a fucking dirty biker guy.

They come up her and say, you want some candy little girl. Felicia, get on that son's anarchy motorcycle and you'll never see her again. I can see that. That's a Felicia. She needs a white biker like Jack's Teller.

Like, you know what I can see her playing Gemma. Fuck, no, she ain't fucking Gemma. Gemma's a filthy animal. This Felicia Michaels, you know what I'm saying? I'm muffles clean. Do you see how nicely her hair is put together? Jenner's been on a motorcycle. You know what a motorcycle seat does to your pussy after 15 fucking years?

It makes it numb. You can hit it with a blow torch. You understand me? One of those leather motorcycle seats, you sit on that thing on a July day, that's off Corinthian leather. It melts the clitoris. It fucks it up. You got to go on with Peter. I'll tell you all about it.

I love your motherfuckers. Is that why you're so mad? No. We ever see biker chicks? They walk fucked up. Their face is all fucked up between the wind hitting their face and the way the seat. It's not erronely mind. It's not errone of their vagina.

They have calluses, and the motorcycle engine is right under your vagina, which is the shake is what creates the whole sperm shake. If you do this constantly, you lose the footing in your pussy. You got nothing. They can hit it with a blow torch, a hammer, or stick of dynamo. You're doing your nails. It just makes sense. All those biker bitches, they're numb.

You look at me, like, I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know exactly what I'm talking about. I know all about this shit. I knew some biker bitches back of the day. Those bitches had kids in their heads look like they got bids. by the mosquito already, the Kiwi, whatever the fuck it is. The Zika. I don't fucking know.

Is it from the sperm shake? Is it from the sperm shake? Does the sperm shake cause the thing on the hand? No, dog. But even... All those mosquitoes they got on the bike and you get them stuck in your teeth. Oh, okay.

And they got the encephalitis. What are you going to talk about this shit? I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Stay safe. See you in Indianapolis. Stay black. One more time, my girl, Kyrus Othanovic,

May 2nd, and Lee Syatton, the beautiful Felicia Michaels. stay black. This show was brought to you by Tracker. Go to thetracker.com, T-H-E-Tracker.com, the-tracker.com, and use promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H, where you use that promo code at the tracker.com. Whichever way you want to pronounce the or the, that's what the website is. TheTracker.com. Promocode church gives you 30% off the entire order. You're never going to lose anything again. And where is the website? It's the website. It's the website. Tracker.com.

It's a little hard to remember, but that's the hardest thing you're going to have to do. You never have to look for anything again because of Tracker and where you buy Tracker. TheTracker.com and using promo code church. Thank you very much. And this show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use promo code church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shrmtec Immune, Shrmtex Sport, and the Dolce Way almond protein powder. It's delicious.

It's promo code church to get 10% off. Hit it, Lee. Warpings for these motherfuckings. You're tremendous. You are... gathered in their masses. Like witches at black masses.

Evil minds that plot destruction. Sorcerer of death's construction. In the fields of bodies burning As the war machine keeps turning Death and hatred to mankind Poisoning their brainwash minds

Oh, Lord's!