The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #376 - Aida Rodriguez

Episode Date: May 3, 2016

Aida Rodriguez, Comedian and host of theTruthSerum Series Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to getyourfirst two meals free!   
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The doctor was like, she's going to outlive you all. I keep wits. This show is brought to you by Miandis. Go to Meandies.com and enter co-word Joey to get 20% off of your first order of all of their great underwear, socks, t-shirts. It's meandes.com slash Joey to get 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the U.S. and Canada. Show is also brought to you by Blue Apron. go to Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes

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Go to Onit.com and use code church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like Strong Bone, Shroom Tech Immune, and Shum Tech Sport. Kick that horse, Lee. Cut that shit out, Lee. Kick that motherfucker up. The church of what's happening now. Monday, May 2nd.

Oh shit. Meet Towns are ripping that motherfucker up to shreds. Down to gach. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Get the fucking syringe. Here we go. Just when you thought it was safe. Lee Syatt

My girl Aid Rodriguez in the house You bad motherfuckers Listen to this shit What's the story? Lysayette I'm doing great You're doing great Yeah this weekend

You drove down to fucking Yeah I drove down to Dana Point to see I have to see some of my family Which is very nice Um It's weird That's a When I first moved out here

Like I have this some family like an hour and a half away and I never see them. And it's it's hard when you're focusing only on like your work and other stuff. It's that sort of stuff tends to slip at least for me. So it was nice to see them.

They live an hour and a half away. A minimum in LA traffic. And that that fucks people up completely. That makes your world a lot. It's hard. It's really fucking hard. There's people who do it. I have friends that live in off the 210 all the way up

there past Pasadena and their family lives in Ontario and they go down there every fucking Sunday I would die I would fucking die it's definitely it's uh it's rough and there's traffic and bump in a bumper and fucking Disney and people going to San Diego and it's always fucking trafficking down there so not that my parents didn't make family important but there are some people who are just families everything like I never had barbecues every week weekend or it was it was a few times a year you saw your cousins and stuff like that it wasn't it wasn't like an every weekend basis well the people are talking about their philippinos and that's all they do they hang out with each other yep but it's pretty you know you look at it

from an outside and you go that's fucking crazy but you look at it from a human being and you go you know what man i can go for that if i dad that i wouldn't even have fucking friends like if i can get together my family on saturdays and sundays and there'd be 19 of them and you know you wouldn't even need fucking many friends you'd have this search you'd have this circle of family that you did everything through them, but they did everything through you. So it's kind of weird when you don't have that, you know. And if you wanted to, you could have it because they're there. It's just getting them all together and getting them all enthused, but there's not like an organizer or two, three people on the same page. It's tough. It's fucking tough, man.

Yeah, we do that in Miami, though. When I'm home, my brothers and my sister, and there's a significant others. I don't even know what they'll call them anymore. We always do everything together. Because we grew up in so much dysfunction that now we just, we creating a new thing. We go to the movie. Well, Spanish people tied to. Yeah, Pat.

Spanish people, too, they get together and they, you know, they cook together, black people. I tell my wife here, we don't have that. We don't have that. And if we had it, we wouldn't want to do it. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's a two-edged fucking sword. Like, sometimes it's in front of you.

And I sit there sometimes, I go, wow. on Sundays, I should be over a friend's house, barbecue and doing this, and you're like, who's friend? Who? I don't know. I don't even know who the fuck barbecues on Sundays. Steve Simone tries to cook on Sundays.

Like, if Steve had a big house, he'd cook every fucking Sunday. Oh, yeah, Steve would cook every day. Every fucking day. You know, there's just people who enjoy that stuff. I enjoy it, but at the same time, I don't have the time. Right. I don't have the time. I don't have the space in my house.

If I had the space in my house, but I could fucking cook like my parents did. It'd be fucking on. Right. You said something very interesting to me a few weeks ago that I can't stop thinking about how I pay for a one-bedroom apartment, even though, like, it's, if you think about it, I should be having roommates and stuff. And the thought of, I would love to go to Steve's house or to someone's house, but the thought of having people at my house all the time, like it blew my mind in college when I found out that people would just knock on your dorm room door just to say hi. I don't like that. I don't know what it is about me, but that freaks me out a little bit. Since I met you, you've been by yourself. Right. Now, there's people, listen, when you're stuck, if I was single, when I was single in Boulder,

I had a great roommate situation. You know why? Because it was a fucking nice house. And it was two men who lived together, but we didn't have the same bathrooms. Oh, okay. I had my bathroom upstairs. He had his bathroom all the way in the basement. There was a bathroom on the second floor.

In a situation like that, it's great. When you live with three guys and two of them are fucking pigs, Yeah. There comes a time when you go, no, I'm not doing this shit no more. You know, there's dishes in the sink that some people could do that stuff. And some people do it to maybe overcome loneliness or something with other people there. As you get older, I can't, I could. I was always in that environment.

Like, I wasn't cut out to be a mingler. I was a single child. So my house was my fucking playground. My mind was my playground. So when somebody's around me, it's not that they don't bother me as much as, even when they talk sometimes because my head's somewhere else. I might be watching TV, but I'm not watching TV. I'm thinking of the next fucking move.

I don't give a fuck what they're doing on TV. I'm just watching it to be polite. It's when people start yakking to me. That gets me aggravated because it's fine that you're there. Now I'm thinking about something else. Like you're thinking about something else. You didn't even want to fucking be that, you know, so. Yeah, I think it's a, you know, I saw cultural because my, like, my dad is the Cuban isolationist,

and he hated people coming to our house. So he programmed us that it was just us. That's why we're so close. Ute no necessiang of nobody. You want to play with somebody? I'd be like, I want to play with my friends. You have three friends right there, your two brothers and your sister.

And that was it. So when people would come knock on the door and be like, cajancel al-a, everybody be quiet. Nobody's home. He hated people in our house. So we would always just be locked away. When you watch the movie, Goodfellers,

there's the same way he says that no outsiders. Yes. And that's really hard for people to understand. When I was growing up, I grew up with a crew of guys. If you told them you were going to meet him at 8 o'clock and you showed up with somebody, you were going to have a problem. Yeah. Like, you didn't show them with somebody.

Like, that was just... That always bothered me. I always used to get a little jealous as a kid if my friend showed up with another friend. So, yeah, that's weird. It's weird. A lot of people don't like that. With families, you know, just... Like, I was raised in an environment where there was money.

guns in the house. There was a Santeria in the house. So my family would say, listen, you really don't want nobody in the house. There's drugs in the house and there's weapons in the house. You don't want drugs in the house. So I was raised. I had people come over,

but they had to be tight for me to have them over. Then they would ask me stupid questions. Why are those glasses by the door? Oh, yeah. Why is there a saint in your living room? What's the coconut doing? What's the coconut doing that? You know, and you've got to fucking tell them and explain.

Yeah. You know, I was telling these guys, I had a six-foot St. Lazaro in my house. Oh, of course. With a cape and a fucking gold thing around his head. With money and fruit. Girls come over and they're like, ooh, that's a beautiful statue.

Yeah, let's go up to the bedroom. Yeah. You can't touch it. You can't touch it. You can't. His eyes were like red, so he were looking at you in the middle of the night. You had to explain it.

I'm not in the mood to explain it. So it was always, I came from that environment. In your house, there was always stuff in my house. I didn't know where it was. And, you know, my dad, you know, My dad was one of those dudes. My stepdad was a very, he didn't trust anybody.

Yeah, that's how I grew up. He didn't trust anybody. So listen, that kid that came over here, I don't know what he's thinking. You left him alone in the basement. I got something down there in a fucking basement. My grandmother was the landlady of the building, so she used to collect the rents. So as soon as somebody came to the door, she was going to get that 38 special. And it was just too much for people to come over, and my grandmother has her gun and the white handkerchief.

It was just too much. It would be like, just don't come. Just stay away. Yeah, and I didn't have any of that I don't know, mine was more, I don't know Like I always had someone home So that there was that And even when I did drugs

I wasn't a mingler Like the last 10 years of me doing blow Like the first Five or six years of me doing drugs I did drugs with people In rooms and talk shit And listen to ear beetons Then over the year it got less

And less and less And last last last I just party by myself And unless I'm was really horny and I knew this chick was on, I would bring her over. Because if I had listened to an airbeat for five hours, I'd tell me A, she was on a period. Or B, she had a boyfriend, I'm going to fucking kill you. So I would search him down before I even came over.

You think I'm fucking kidding. I did some creepy shit when I was young. I remember one night, this girl told me she was on my period. I go, let me check. And she's like, what are you talking about? I stuck my hand and she let me go, let me check. Fact check her. And I'm like, okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

she? Yeah. Did you pass out? No, I didn't pass out. I just touched it. It felt like a string or something. I just went on. I was brutal. Brutal when I had drugs. Brutal! Because I didn't want, you know, I can have a good time by myself doing fucking drugs. I need somebody telling me stories. I don't fucking listen to that shit.

You know, ruin your high. Yeah, it ruined my fucking high. So what happened to you last time you came in? One thing about this was that, listen, I got to respect you because I have guys that I know that I remain nameless that won't come on the show. Why?

Because of the stars. Oh my God. Listen, we live in an environment of such pussies. Do the face that you do when you talk about. You do that. That's my favorite. I love that face. Oh, my God.

They're such fucking pussies. And all these podcasts people think these guys are like, these guys are such fucking pussies. And I heard the rumor like three weeks ago. And it is like, you know what? And you came in. in here. You sat here for an hour and all of a sudden you were looking at the bag of stars.

Give me all those fucking things. And you ate, when I could see about 35 minutes in, that your eyes were fucked up and shit. I didn't say nothing. Then you left. Then I called you and then I got a call like an hour later. Somebody's like, what did you get my mother or some shit? I was like the

kid that came home high. So what happened? And the parents. You know what it is? I hadn't eaten anything the whole day. I'm hypoglycemic. And I ate one of the stuff. on an empty stomach. So it was like double what it would normally be because my blood sugar had dropped. Speaking of double, you want to this, don't know. No, I think 725s enough. So they said I was walking around in circles when I got, but then I started like passing out.

So they took me to the hospital and the doctor said I was having continuous panic attack. So they had to give me these shots. They almost broke my wrist though. They were they were holding me down. But the funniest part is that that my son was like, They were like, how often does she do drugs? And my son was like, she doesn't do drugs. And the doctor was like, sure she doesn't. It was like, you don't have to lie for her son. How long have you been going through this?

And they should know with the rise. Like a lot of people go to the hospital every week. Yeah. For marijuana? Yeah, from edibles. Is it because sometimes the levels are so high for some people. No, it's a complete different high. It is a different hunt.

And it creeps up on you. And it creeps up on you sometimes a little fast because it's happened to me. I'm nobody to lie to nobody. Yeah. It's happened to me sometimes I've gotten a little overzealous. You know, in the beginning we would eat 500 milligrams. And it happened a few times where I thought my world was going to end. Yeah.

I just started breathing. And you eat something real fast and take your mind off it. Don't give it sugar. See, I didn't know any of that. Don't give that motherfucker sugar. Because he'll take sugar and start running like a three-year-old. Oh. You know, there's just so many little things.

But have you ever wanted to call the hospital, though? Never. No, no, no, no. If you go to Denver, they have the recreational side and they have the resident side. I think that's what they call it. Medical. Medical.

And the commercial side is very, it's 10 milligrams. Right. And they do that for a reason. Because people go to Colorado and they forget they're in 8,000, 6,000. I don't know what the fuck elevation is. Right. And they pop one of those things, and it becomes completely different. Trust what I'm telling you.

Yeah. It's complete. Unless you have, you know, years of fucking experience, or you just blow through it. I blow through it, but I'm not going to lie to you. I get, once a month, I get something happens. I'm here with you guys, and I go home, and I get fucked up on the next morning. I pay my dues, too.

I just know how to breeze through it. Okay. This afternoon, I was home. And I looked down the floor, about 11 o'clock. I knew I wasn't going to do. Jiu-Jitzo. I looked on the floor, and I had a bunch of anti-delores fucking edibles. And there was those chocolate things. That they're 10 milligrams.

Oh, the numbs? And I basically opened up the thing. It was half of them. I was in the computer and I was stoned. I didn't want to get up and eat some. So I took half the thing, and I just inhaled. I didn't count them. I didn't care.

In my mind, there's like three chocolate cookies. Do you know, like two hours later, I had to take a nap. I took a nap when you left. Really? I took a nap for like 45 minutes. But I felt shitty. Oh. I felt shitty.

Like it came on me weird. I forgot that eating it. See, sometimes you forget you eat it. Right, right. And that's what sets you off. Once it starts hitting you, you think you got fucking diabetes or some dementia. You don't know what the fuck's going on. I felt like dementia.

Dementia. Yeah, it's dementia. That elevation thing is real. When I went to Big Bear, we got pizza because there was nothing there. So we ate, we got pizza. And about, like, on the second and last slice, I was convinced I tasted soap. I was like, and on the phone, because I was all so high,

I thought for some reason that the Domino's guy was mad at me. So I was like, you know what they did? They put soap on the thing and they put it as they did on purpose because they thought I was rude. And Paul was like, what are you talking? My girlfriend was like, what? You're crazy. You're losing it. And I was like, no, taste it.

It tastes like soap. I'm not crazy. This has never happened before. You taste. You say like, that tastes fine. And I just, I was convinced the whole night. And I think it was because. the of the elevation.

It's scary. So you got to add that in. So they were feeding people 100 milligrams. So somebody like Ada, who had smoked pot a few times, maybe drank a few times, goes to Colorado, and she hooks up with me at a comedy club,

we start talking shit. And all of a sudden she eats 100 milligrams. She's going to go home. You know, do you remember the time I went on the row with Felicia in San Francisco and somebody gave me a taffy that was like 300 milligrams? I fucking ate it.

and I went back to the hotel. I couldn't make it to my room. Wow, yeah. And I'm a big dude. You know, I've done heroin and everything. I couldn't handle it to my room. I went back to my room and puked, and I puked on this shit a few times.

One time on Chandler with a suit on with no shirt, I was driving on Chandler with no shirt on with suspenders in the suit. And I got out of my car on Chandler and just started puking green water. Where was your shirt? In the car. I had to take it off. Oh, you took it? I had the air on and the fucking sunroof open

with all the windows open. I was so fucked up, I couldn't make the left turn either. That ever happened to you? I couldn't make a right turn, Aida. I couldn't make a right turn. Let's do what happened. I pulled out of CBS Radford.

I made the left because sometimes they make you park outside. And this particular day, I had a meeting inside with CBS. So I had a suit on. They let me park in close to the thing. When I was in the meeting, they're looking at me,

and I'm fucking getting. and high in the meeting. And I take my, I'm like, who, it's hot here. And I take my jacket off first. And then they're looking, I can tell, they're looking at me weird. I can tell the color in my face is leaving. Yeah.

I can tell all this shit's happening. I'm breathing heavy. I'm sipping on the water and nothing seems to work. I feel that first sweat bead dumped down my head. This is CBS rapper. They got the air down to 63. Them Jews don't fuck around. I love it here.

I will never stop coming back here. I got my fucking car. Before you get to the gate with a little Mexican saying, they have like an Arab and a Mexican dude here. I had to pull over, and I took the dress shirt off. So now I'm down to suspenders and a veto call the only wife beater. That's too long, so my tits hanging out of the side. I pull up to the window, and the guy goes, thank you, thank you,

and I make the left out of CBS Raff and I go to Ventura. There's a McDonald's there. That's a McDonald's trade a joke. Okay, so right away I fucked up. already because I was supposed to make a fucking right but I couldn't decide you know there's a street right there you can make it right and cut to Laurel Canyon I couldn't make the right turn man I couldn't make it that's a hard turn that's a hard turn that's like a three-way thing so I pulled and ended up in Ventura in

traffic oh no I was starting to get hot it's what time oh no and I pass Laurel Canyon I don't make the right turn my hand won't make the right turn. So now I'm on cold water. And I won't make the right turn. I got all the way to like Fulton before I made the right turn and I finally got to Chandler. And on Chandler, I had to pull over and take the white beater off. Now I'm driving tits out, suspenders, windows down, sunroof open. Music is off. I can't even tolerate music. I got the air blasted.

I'm driving on Chandler, the right-hand lane, maybe doing 22, 23. People are going around me beeping, fuck you, the whole fucking thing. I'm just holding on to the steering wheel, Aida. Just holding a brain to get me to Kofax so I can make the left and go home praying. I get the K., not even, I didn't even make it to Laurel King. I had to pull over like a block before. You know how they have those little Jewish schools? Yep.

I had to pull over there and I don't puke to front of kids. People were walking by. I'm just bar from a green puke. I got back in the car. I drove all the way home. I made it home. there was water in the back seat. You know, like when you drink a half a thing of water,

you're from the back seat door. I took that water and drank that hot water. Did it make you puke? I think that's what made me puke. The water sometimes sets it off for me. Yeah, it made me puke. I went home and I sat in front of the air condition. I took my pants off.

My wife came in and she goes, eating that shit again, aren't you? And she fucking water the room, and that was it, thud. And what was it that you took that day? What was it? The banana bread. The banana bread was killing, motherfucker. What happened was I ate a banana bread And then Felicia got one

And Felicia goes, what am I going to do with it? I don't want it in the car, I don't want it in the house So I got in the car, I was going to melt. I don't want that shit to melt. So you ate it. Melo call me. So I get it and I've got anxiety on planes when I didn't barth.

Yeah. I got one time twice on a plane where I just couldn't stop sweating. Oh yeah, I could. One time I took my shirt off on the plane in first class all the way to Miami. Oh, shit. That's a long time.

flight. With my shirt off, drinking water, drying off, eating cinnamon candy. The cinnamon candy set it off. Oh,

wow. That's the best, though, the best stories. You should just write a whole book about your highs, your trip.

The T-H-C highs. Oh, my God. I'm sure that'll be a great coffee table book. Oh, please. Puking shit, barfin.

Speaking of that, what was it like seeing the red eyes of the statue when you were, like, high? That must have been,

at that time, I really wasn't doing the drugs I did a year later. But I would do THC crystal and I wouldn't even look at the saints. Whenever I got high, I was, I'm such a Catholic, I wouldn't even look at the saints. You're not scared of them.

You just feel like you're disrespecting. You disrespect. But they raise you not, you're never afraid of. That's here to protect you. Oh, I know, but red eyes when you're, what I was thinking of was acid. He had like brown eyes, but the lighting and the liver.

room when you had the hallway light on with the lights off in the living room his eyes got fucking weird there was a certain glass room that they made them out of to make them look real it was fucking creepy it was really creepy and it would creep people out when i brought them over to eat and shit like that and there was just a certain amount of people that would come over and wouldn't even ask some of my friends would come over and not ask those are the motherfuckers that came over all that times what's this what's that what's this i grew up in a place you don't Don't ask. Don't ask none. Just keep walking in the house. They're going to feed you. Shut the fuck up. You start asking stupid fucking questions and shit. What's this? What's that? I wouldn't

bring them over no one. And your answer to everything is, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You don't say, what's your mother? I don't know. What does your mother do for a living? I don't know. Everything is I don't know. What's your phone number? I don't know. It's amazing. I was raised just like that. That's a different mentality to raise your child. Yeah, that's how I said. Because my mom figured people would get to me to get to her and ask her questions. I remember. One day that pulled up and I was talking to a cop. And she called me, I was he going to go to that. What was that dude asking?

What did he want? Why were you even talking to him? Like, why the fuck were you even talking to him? When I tell my wife those things and I tell Lee, Lee thinks I'm kidding. No. That's how you grow up. It's very. I don't know nothing.

You don't know anything. Your teacher asks you in school, what happened at home? I don't know. I don't know anything. You know, it's so weird. Even when I watch some of those, there's an episode of the soprano. when he has to go meet the construction guy. And the construction guy's wearing a wire.

And he's asking him questions and how he would act. Watch when you watch that show. There's certain times when he's talking to somebody where they're saying something to him. That's a criminal thing. And he changes it completely different. And it blows the person out of the water. That's how I was raised to do that stuff.

Especially when somebody says something to you in front of other people. It was a lot of times. I think if I understand what you're saying, it's like if the cops, bring something up like, hey, were you there with that robbery? And he goes, oh, nice salami sandwich today. Or, like, just something completely different. Completely different.

You just don't, you're not even, what robbery? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I wouldn't even mention a robbery. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. When people would talk to me, I would go, I think I was eating pizza Tuesday, and they would fucking just look at me. Like, what the fuck?

Yeah. And my wife doesn't understand that, and it's okay to tell people you don't, know even if they know that you know it's better to tell people you don't know i don't give a fuck if you know that i know i'm still not going to tell you that's right even though you know i know i don't know what you're talking about it's better to say you don't know it's better to say you don't know because you then nobody can quote you this what my mom you so nobody's going to say either said this and iida said that so it's better for you to say i don't know no no siento i don't know that's how we were raised

because no matter who's how's you were raised in every one of us grew up where there's something illegal illegal going on. Absolutely. So you don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You don't know what time your mom gets home?

No. What time she got more yesterday? I don't know. I was my grandmother. You just driving crazy. Yep. That's a crazy way. So when does that stop, though?

It never does. I still do it today. I don't know what people are talking about. I have no idea what you're talking about. It doesn't go. You can change a conversation within a second. You do it sometimes. A second.

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even want to discuss that. So let's change it. Especially if you bring it up in front of somebody. Yeah. Like that's not supposed to be in the room. I don't know what you're fucking talking about. Yeah, it doesn't go away.

It doesn't go away. I was raised like that. And the funny thing was, the people I was raised with were raised at them. It was like that. So everybody knew the rules. You don't know nothing. Yeah, but you were right there. You were standing there.

No, but I was looking down there. What happens with like, I don't know, someone just moves into a new town? Like, would people, like, systematically try to get them out? Like, your town specifically seems like there's a lot of similar people there. Like, so... Okay, North Bergen, for example, I'll tell you a real quick story about North Bergen.

My friend George. My friend George has lived in North Bergen for 20 years. His kids have gone to that school until this is. day, George says to me, it's like I'm a fucking outsider. Because to them, you are an outsider. You didn't play football with them. You didn't play the league baseball with them. And you definitely didn't go to grammar school with them.

They have no idea who the fuck you are, even if they know who you are. It's tremendous. They'll talk to you. They'll communicate. They're not bad people. You're just an outsider. You'll always be an outsider. Yeah.

And you feel it. Eventually you feel and go, okay, and you have two decisions to make, to keep dealing with these people or just being outside of that circle. And that's fine. That's fine. That's some people just, maybe it's better for you not to be involved with what they're doing. Someday something happens, you're like, damn, see, that worked out. But it's, my wife doesn't understand it at no level.

She's like, well, people, I don't give a fuck what people think. You don't need to say nothing to nobody. You know, I told you yesterday. I was in the balcony. Smoking. The people across the street from me, the painter chick and the fucking drunk and the two fucking,

the two fucking, whatever the fuck they are, transgenderes. And the new charter chick were across the street barbecueing. And I said to myself, you know what, they've never invited us over there. How many times have I walked over there and said hello? You know, it's so weird how I keep my neighbors on arm's distance.

Yeah. Because they're your neighbors. Why don't you invite them in? That's it. They come over every day, even when you want to be there or not, you have to talk to them. So before you open your fucking mouth, you know, there's a situation when a lady next to me

told my wife a bunch of shit. Now she went back with the guy, so I tell my wife all the time. You see why you don't spread your business, no way about people? Whatever goes out in your house where you and your wife or your wife, nobody knows nothing.

That's right. I don't know nothing. I don't know fucking nothing. You know what I'm saying? But there's people who are, think that they have to fucking talk, tell you their whole

fucking life story and ain't fucking minutes. That drives me crazy. You know I'm a week and they're telling you they got molested. You got to know me for 10 years

before I tell you I got a finger up the ass. Nobody molested. You know, they're telling you that life fucking story. You sit there and go, how fucking pathetic are you?

You're telling me your life fucking story. Yeah. So in those neighborhoods, no. This is the way of life. the least you say, the better off you are. Because everything you say is going to be analyzed if you're an outsider.

Yeah. So you smile, you say hello, and you speak when you're spoken to. So now that you're raising a kid in, like, popular cultures, the exact opposite of that, how does that make you feel? I will definitely raise mercy how I was raised in that statute. You don't know nothing. Don't open the door for nobody. ask my mom's not home

call back later if you answer the phone I don't know you have to call back I don't know I don't know because all those little things they're little fucking things we had a code I don't want you discussing what happens in this house at the school

ever you don't know nothing what's your dad do I don't know where's he go to work I don't know is he there when you leave I don't know he's somewhere was he there now I don't know just to every question. Will he be that tomorrow? I don't know. And eventually they just put their hands on the hips

and they know what fucking time it is. Yep. They know what fucking time is. And then you talk to her and you tell her, don't let them scare you. Just stick to your fucking story. They're lying to you. You know, I'm going to tell her all that shit. Those are the evils of the world that my wife was never told. That's why when a cop pulls up, my wife will tell them anything.

You know, she don't fucking know. She don't fucking know. Nothing. You turn your back. I don't know that. But why, Joey? Because you don't fucking know nothing. Everything you say, you're going to incriminate yourself. Yep. So why are you saying something to these fucking people? You know, neighbors, you know, like yesterday.

Again, I feel bad because I should be mingling with people. But there's a good side to that and that's a bad side to that. And I'm 53 with a baby and a wife. I don't want nobody coming home in my fucking house either. So I don't want people mingling on my doorstep borrowing sugar. You know, one night I go on the list. living room in the fucking, not the lesbian, but the fucking transgender is in my living room. I swear to God, not in my living room, but in my backyard trying to capture a skunk.

I said, listen, let me ask you something. When I get up to go on the road at 4 in the morning, that skunks in that box, you're going to take it out of the box, do me a favorite. Get that fucking box out of it. They didn't talk to me for six months. Because they put a box in your yard? Yeah. So after that, they knew what time it was.

Like one day, the one transgender is a nice, and they're nice people. but the one guy wanted to be friendly like a little too friendly with my wife you have a better chance of being friendly with me because my wife don't buy into none of that shit at least I grew up around it I'll talk to you you know what I'm saying it's a goof for me he put his hand on the car

while my wife was opening up the car door to take the baby out he was waiting and I turned and I saw this and I'm like oh this is not going to be any good and when my wife slammed the door I said do you fucking mind you know because he was coming over going Hey, any shows lately?

He would tell me this every fucking day. He would say, you have any shows in town? Yeah, tonight at the comedy store. Then he wouldn't show. What do you keep asking me for? That's right. I'm one of those fucking guys. You know, after the third time you don't show, stop asking me.

Stop fucking bothering me, all right? And that's what happened. After that, they knew what time it was. They never fucked with us again. Now it's a hi, goodbye, how the cat's good. I saw this cat the other night. This cat died. That's it.

We keep it about the cats. It's like it's weird. Like, I don't know if I told you, but I had a neighbor once just, like, Saturday morning at 9 a.m. Just knock on the door and ask me for a ride to somewhere. Where? Yeah. Four miles. Yeah, to, like, four miles away because her car got towed.

And luckily, Paula was there. So I was like, what do you know? I'm like, people have weird stuff, like with that, like, asking neighbors. I don't, I don't talk to any of my neighbors. Me either. No, my dad used to be like, they come and they ask you for a cup of sugar, and then the next day they're done pending the culo. That's what my dad was saying.

What she just said was, when they ask you for sugar, the next day they're not going to door, they want your asshole. And it's true. It's fucking true. It's true. And I ran into that in Colorado.

When I moved to Colorado, I was a young kid. I wanted to be everybody's fucking friend. I wanted to be light. Next thing you know, I got four people in my living smoking my reefer every night and nobody's showing up

not even with a hot dog Bonneti. And I told you the story about the Kentucky would come over and that's like, I robbed him. He was right upstairs from him. He just robbed him. He kept coming down.

Man, somebody robbed my house last night. And I got the fingerprints on this scotch tape. What the fuck out of my face? You got fingerprints on my scotch tape. You know what I'm saying? I'm over here loading up a fucking bowl of debt. You show with fingerprints on the scotch tape. All right, so how long did you stay at the hospital for you?

Oh, I was only there for like six hours. Oh, Jesus Christ. They had to put IV because they said I was dehydrated. my heart rate dropped. It dropped. Yeah, it was a whole, it was a whole fiasco. It was a scene. I'm actually writing it as an episode of my TV show because it was really funny.

My kids had to come get me from the in and out because I couldn't drive anymore. I was so high. I couldn't even drive. Next to the old office? Yeah, they came and got me. I pulled over. And then I was like, can you get me a burger? The dweet?

No. That's why I ended up in the hospital because I, I hadn't eaten, and my blood sugar just dropped. It was funny. I was there for six hours, and then I believe they tried to break my wrist. I could hear them talking about me being a drug addict. And then... So they were going to break your wrist?

No, they were trying to break my wrist to put needle to give me these shots, but they were holding me down, but they were holding me hard. And I was like, I'm high. I'm not dead. I can feel this. Like, it hurts. And my wrist was swollen for two weeks. Two weeks.

It was a fiasco. It was so funny. The kids called. What'd you give her? What's you doing? I was walking around his circles. Oh, my God. They said I was walking around in circles and I kept doing my head like this.

Do you remember any of what you were thinking during this time? I was hoping that I didn't lose my mind permanently. How was your breathing? How was your heart? Did you feel? Yeah, I was gone. And did you feel the breathing was bad? you couldn't you were yeah i was having probably this got tight it was just hilarious it was funny though

because it was an experience to write about and then afterwards sometimes you got to get humbled you know what i mean i believe like you walk around you know i don't do i don't really do drugs i don't drink like that i'm pretty uptight i'm always stressed out a very latin always worried about what about next month and what about so i needed that moat that just it just slowed me down because during that time I was on edge, on super edge. And it just calmed me down for like two days. I went to sleep for like two days. I hadn't slept because I'm an insomniac.

I don't sleep. So I got two whole nights of sleep because of it. So it was, I'm an optimist. I looked at it as a blessing. How do they sober you up? They hold you down. They tie you up. That sounds terrible.

They give you the anti-anxiety medication. Which is a pill. shot and what do you feel like they just get you high yeah no they it relaxes you your heart just calms down and then they give you fluids and then they keep you there until they think it's ready you're ready to go home did they ask you what you took um i just told him i ate something and i don't know what it was saying right i don't know i don't know i don't know who gave it to you i don't know I don't know that. And then he turned to my son because I was so high.

And he was like, who gave her the drugs? And he was like, I don't know. Because I raised him like that. So he was like, they were like, you guys are not going to give us any answer. Her well-being. And my son was like, I told you what I needed to tell you. She had an edible. It was, she had a bad reaction to it.

What are you going to do? Is this the hospital or the police station? And the lady was like looking at him like, what? And my son was like, take care of her. That's what we're here for. We're not here to answer your question. It's fucking crazy. Yeah.

He's fucking crazy. Red band called the ambulance on himself. Yeah. Twice. $1,400 to get the ambulance set to the 101. He pulled over in a fucking car, dog. I know. Hey, listen, man, I feel my heart sometimes.

I would go to the gym sometimes on those stars. And you get deep and, you know, and all of a sudden at the gym, it's big. So your hearing starts to go. Oh yeah You're hearing I can't believe You do it at the gym That's crazy

I didn't know I didn't know either Lee I would eat three of those stars And go to the fucking YMCA You should And get on the treadmill I get on the treadmill The bicycle

Oh my god You gave me the chill Oh my God And at one point of that workout You run out of oxygen You're like And all of a sudden That fucking star

Takes you to a different Fucking place of anxiety Yeah it does It was interesting But still you know You know when you've been through so much in life and something like something happens and you're like

oh really like the SWAT team came to my house when I was little like there's nothing that could shock you at this fucking no like I mean people are like oh my God you know and I'm like really I've seen I've seen really horrific things that's nothing it's crazy what

some people's perception of bad is yeah like Lee Lee's a great kid Lee's never seen a bug get hit like he sees stuff and he gets off. You're not going to believe. And Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, relax.

Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ? He gets all emotional, red in the face. He called me tonight. Did you change the pass card? Because I can't get that. I can't get that. I can't get that.

Yeah, I changed the pass card. It makes you change it every few months. I don't know. You know, it's just. But it's going back to the way I was brought up. Like, that was. Right.

I was walking around the street today. Just now on the way here. and there's three dudes in front of me they gotta be about 22 they're skateboarding you know jumping up and down they got tattoos the whole thing and as they got to this house over here

I'm looking straight ahead and I heard a dog bark and all three of them jumped in the air and I kept walking and I said and I didn't know why like I just didn't know why like all three of them jumped out of the fucking the dog was

two feet big you know two feet high I'm sorry. You know, I just kept walking. Right. And I remember going, Jesus Christ. Really? I don't even react to dogs anymore. Yeah.

It's, it's, uh, my upbringing, I'm sure that, hey, there's upbringing at times you think of it as sad. And, uh, it, sometimes I think of my life at home, my mom, especially now that you write and all this stuff. Yeah. And you get stuck on how am I going to write that section? And you think about the section from a different part. point of view and you think about your life from a different point of view and the realities are realities you know what at points in my life it was very sad on my mom raised me yeah and it was very

sad the things she showed me on early age because it takes away your childhood yeah i was paranoid even knowing about things like listen when you're eight you know about eating pussy yeah that makes you look at barbie a lot fucking different yeah and ken a lot different you're not supposed to even hear about eating pussy and blow jobs i didn't hear it at home are you heard on the streets in New York City, hey, go get your dick. Then you start asking questions, who sucks your dick? And then people tell your girl, suck your dick. And now you know, you're

seven years old, you know people should be sucking your dick. I didn't want to know that at seven. Yeah. I didn't want to know that at seven. It was things like that. I can't blame it all in my mother. Seven is crazy. I can't blame it all on my mother in the bar. I have to blame it on where I was raised. The time in this country. The time in this

country was completely fucking different. You know, and but that's, but And you look at the other side of it. Today, I'm getting a proposal ready for the book. And I'm up to the chapter now where it's a month before she dies. And a month before my mother died, the house was very sad.

She lost a bar, and her and her husband got separated. And she still had money, and she was still living her life. But the house was different. And I was the man in the house. But I was the man in the house. I didn't have to pay bills. I didn't have to mow the lawn. It was like I was different, man.

I had to keep her together. Right. You learn, like, keep a woman together. You know what I'm saying? She learns that I keep you together. And I think about how I used to come home at night. Like, I remember I went to my mom one day. I go, Mom, where's those jeans?

And she goes, I didn't wash them. And I, like, made, like, a noise. And she goes, what? Start washing your own clothes. By the time I was, like, 12 or 11, I was already washing my own clothes and hanging them up. Yeah. You know, I had a bathroom.

and I was a fucking I didn't like people peeing in my bathroom So if somebody came out of the house and peed when I left I went up there with fucking fantastic And I'd wipe the toilet seat and I cleaned my bathroom My bathroom was That was my fucking bathroom And she used to say to me

I like that you keep your bathroom clean You know in those days I used to not wash my clothes I used to fold My mom would go hey you want 20 bucks tonight Yeah do your favor You gotta go pay the mortgage today And go pay the phone bill Those days you didn't write a check or pay your T-I-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-R-Hadda.

You had to go stand online and pay your phone bill, online to pay your phone bill. Might take an hour, it might take 10 minutes. You know what I'm saying? Then from there had to walk two mother miles to go pay the mortgage. So I tell people, there's times I think that she was preparing me for her to die. There's times I think that, you know, in those days, my mom would go, hey, man, I get home with six from hustling.

There better not be no dishes in the sink, and that fucking house better be vacuumed. that was part of what I did. You know what I'm saying? Those little things. I took the garbage out. And in a way, it prepared me for, you know, from the time I was fucking eight, I didn't leave my dishes on my table.

At the time I was a kid, they'd bring me, she wouldn't even bring it to me. I remember still after school, I would go in my room, get my notebooks out, and she would yell for me, and I'd come in and get my little Swiss cheese with a merrick, with ham on toast and mayonnaise and some iced tea with lemons and shit. And I'd bring it into my room. Then I had to bring my dish and my fucking cup back. You know what I'm saying? Like I had to do all these little things where I would fucking get.

It was like she was preparing me. For life. For life. Absolutely. And I grew a paranoid too. But I'm so thankful that my mom put that and my dad put that in me. Because when I look at my friends, I was like, you bitches would all get kidnapped. I would never get kidnapped because of the way.

way that I was schooled. I was walking down the street the other day and this dude was walking behind me and I stopped until he walked around me and my girlfriend was like, why did you do that? I said, because we have somebody behind us that we don't know. He can just hit us from the back and she was like, you're paranoid. I'm like, yeah, you'll, you'll end up on a milk carton. It's not that I'm paranoid is that you know the realities of life? Yeah. And you know how they end up. Lee came to me when he goes, hey man, I'm thinking of getting a bicycle. That's right. Oh, we can't talk about it? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, we can. Of course we can. Oh, I thought you're going like this. No, there was just another story of someone getting killed again. Where?

Here in LA, I don't, I can't remember the intersection right now, but it was just all like, I think someone hit a car and the car hit the bike or something. Like, they happen to all the time. You know, he told me, come on and I get a bike. I loved me. I wanted to get healthy. But you know what, man, in L.A., a bike. And I, listen, man, I used to go to yoga with my wife, way before Mercy came. right here at the wire, right down the corner. And one day, guess what we meet in front of us, a Jew Cuban from Miami, but she speaks Cuban, fluent, you know, her mom's Cuban really got.

Her dad's Jewish, the whole thing. One day I see she were leaving yoga on a Thursday night at 8.30, and this bitch got a helmet. And I looked at her, and I said, what's the helmet for? And she goes, I ride my bike home. I go, where do you live? She goes, I'm cold water and whatever. I go, listen, man, why don't you call your husband?

Want us to give you a fucking ride and leave the bike here? I said that to it. And she goes, no, I like riding my bike. Do you know the next time we've seen that bitch had a false tooth and stitches? She got hit by a bike and drags. She sued the guy. They had to put a fork's tooth in the mouth

with fucking stitches and shit. And she was like, you were right. No shit I'm right. You don't ever want to ride a bicycle in fucking LA. I'm scared to walk. No, it's dangerous. I don't walk my baby to school every day and pick her up in the car,

but I walked them because the train station is close by. and I know what comes off this train. And I see it. Sometimes I go for a ride at 8. And I see people looking the same way I used to look when I was trying to make something happen. People understand that I was one of those guys that if I had a dollar in my pocket or 200,

I got up at 8, and I went for a walk just to see what you can make happen. You never know. I see a girl I follow. I didn't know there was an office on the corner. I go in that office. a building with 52 offices. And all those doors are open.

And I could knock on all those doors and say, is Miriam here? There ain't no Miriam here. Okay. But if I walk in and you're your bathroom break, I would open the desk, take the petty cash, and take your wallet out of your purse.

And I would go one of those a day, just for walking. But the same way I could have broke into an office, it's the same way I see my wife walking with the baby, and I see my wife with that stupid purse. And I always tell them, what do you bring that fucking purse for? I go, where you going?

I'm walking the kid to school. All you need is your fucking $20 bill to get coffee over there. And again, I see it going to the person and get her ID. Why are you taking your ID out of your fucking thing? Why? Put the fucking eye. She looks at me like, well, what if a cop stop me? What if?

Tell them to follow you home. You got your wallet over at the fucking house. Leave the ID there in case you pull the 20. The ID flies out. Now you fuck. Don't take your ID out of your fucking wallet ever. Ever does it come out of your wallet? That's right.

I take it out to fly. I put it back. in there. Those people that leave it with the fucking ticket, I see them dropping their IDs all the time at the airport. For every three times I go to the airport, I see a fucking ID on the floor. And I see them going, oh, my ID, and I leave it there. I don't even say them. It's fucking for being stupid.

Now you'll fucking learn, not to be fucking stupid. After that, I don't care if there's 200 people waiting behind me. I put my ID back in the fucking wallet. And as I'm walking down the security line, that's when I go back in and I take it out again. I don't walk through the airport with my ID fucking loose.

No. You lose your fucking idea an airport within hours, you're fucking old $5,000 in Africa. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Within hours you lose your shit at the airport. Are you fucking nuts? There's little things. It's not called paranoia. There's little fucking things just

to avoid a world of hurt. Yeah, I've never lost my ID since I got on. Well, knock on wood. You know, knock on wood, don't say that shit. That's right. But you know, but it's because in my mind, my dad would always be like, that has your address on it. That has where you lay

your head every and wherever you let that go. You don't know what kind of element. That element. Always used to tell me that. So he, my, the idea is sacred. You don't walk around. I don't leave my house with my ID sometimes because of that. There's a lot of people who won't put their home address in their phone.

No, mine is. Because if someone gets your phone or your GPS, then they know where you live. Let's let me tell you something. Let me tell you something right off the bat. You and Ada. This fucking phone, you're dead. As soon as you have this phone, you're dead. Dead.

Is it the death of one sign? Once you pay your bills online and use your credit card to buy music, you're dead. You're half dead. You're half dead. You're already. You're already dead. There's no security in this. They could tap this from anywhere.

They can listen in on your conversations and within five minutes, have all your fucking information and start fucking fucking with your world. This is the worst thing in the world right here. Not only this, it tells people where the fuck you are and every minute. That's good and fucking bad. Okay, that's good and fucking bad. In my world, where I come from, that's communism.

Yep. That's communism with my world. That's the beginning of communism. In an inadvertently way, that's the beginnings of communism. I see so many things going into, I think in a hundred years we'll all be the same fucking people. Same tattoos with numbers on, You can pay for your bills with your hand.

Everything will be on computer. But the most important thing is that you always be accountable for. Even your thoughts. Even your thoughts. It was really, I went to the Apple store the other day, and as I walked in, I have an Apple gift card, and it popped up on my phone. So, like, yeah, you're already still.

I don't think it's going to take 100 years. No, I'm talking about the technology's way ahead of itself. It's the people. The thought process. Of the Americans. As soon as I started seeing people, I swear to God, as soon as I seeing people started getting the tattoos, I'm like, we're in trouble because we're all like-minded now.

You had a tattoo when you were a felon, when you were a sailor. You know what I'm saying? You had a tattoo when you were outside the realm. Normal housewives didn't have tattoos. I'm at the airport, and I see a mom with two babies and she got tattoos on a fucking feet. Okay? You know, that wasn't around 30 fucking years ago.

I see that the tattoo is the beginning. So you might as well put your address on your fucking arm or what they did in Nazi Germany. People might think I'm retarded or crazy for saying something like that. That's what I see. I see them, I see you being accountable all the way through from A to Z.

These computers, these computers, they read your emails, what you listen to, what you like. In other words, your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions. the music you play. Every time I click on YouTube, every time I click on fucking Facebook,

every time you click on you say something on Twitter, every fucking email that you write to your mom, or when you write to your girlfriend, you want to suck her asshole, or when you write to somebody, you know, this is your idea for fucking life. All that shit is out there. All that shit's out there.

Somebody's reading your stuff right now. You have to assume. You have to assume. You have to assume. on every level. And not to mention the hours we have now of our entire lives on the Internet. So people could very easily create false identities. No, it's the least of your problems is false identities.

Really? That's the least of your problem. They do it all the time. That's the least of your worries is false identity. You don't even see where I'm going with this. With the government, I see that, yeah. I'm not even seeing this at the government. I'm seeing this within us.

we're all becoming. We all want to be the same person. We all want to drink the same coffee. You know, it's the cash system, not the caste system. There's some people can't afford a $4 a cup of coffee. And they make coffee at the house. These people go to a place to be recognized,

to be social, so people know that they go to Starbucks, that brand. Oh my God, I love Starbucks. You know, it's just everything. I see it. You know, they're making you pay this much for tickets. these phones, the GPS, even in your cars,

they have all your motions. You know, I mean, your wife can monitor you. Anybody can monitor you. I mean, I don't give a fucking my wife want to monitors me either. I don't do dick anyway. I hang out with you. I go to the ATM machine. I go to fucking jiu-jitsu.

What the fuck? But just to thought that somebody knows where I am through my fucking phone, if I have it in my pocket, just a thought that they could listen to your conversations, which they've been listening to for 2,000 fucking years, but it was a lot of eat, a lot harder to access those fucking wires and the phones that are break into your house and tap.

Now they just cut, well, they've been cutting into your wires also, but it was very old school, not like they're doing it now off satellites and shit. I'm not like a big conspiracy theory person, but when you think about it, if you look at that, do you, does any part of you think

maybe the government gave these intent, give these to people, and maybe they'll give us, every single information about their life for free. Like, they're going to pay us to give us their information. Well, it's not even information.

It's your thoughts. It's your text messages. It's your, like I said, everything you're involved with is right now 99% of what you're involved than what you like. You connect with it through the computer. 100%.

100%. It's for the purpose of control. Not, they don't want to read your emails. They just, we're becoming cattle. It's like the new world order is setting in. And we're going to be numbers. And they're going to put chips in the children.

And there's a book called The Pale Horse, Behold the Pale Horse or something like that that talks about a former CIA agent telling all of the things that are going to happen that are going to make us all controllable. And the rich will be the people that get everything. and the poor people will suffer and slavery will be back, and this will be a different type of slavery. In 100 years, it'll be a different fucking world. Yeah. But it's times I feel bad for mercy. I really feel bad for my daughter.

What could happen in this country in the next 10 years? You know, how many people are slipping in here every day? To Mexico, Canada, even if just one come in and set one thing in Iowa, then one comes in and sets another thing in Nebraska. Once they eat us from within, That'd be the smart move. If I was fucking ISIS, I would stop right now. I'd stop and disappear.

And let everybody think we were done. And every day start sending troops in here. Send them through Miami. One side of Canada, the other side of Canada, and Mexico. And put them all to a state, open up a business, set them up. And one day, all 20 of those states, they blow something up at the same. same time that that's that's a war right there and that could happen yeah yeah but that could happen with any group could do that you know I thought when the FBI did that thing a

couple of weeks ago that they couldn't get into the phone I was starting to write a joke about and I go why am I really the joke about it they're the ones that are right in the joke right now they know they know exactly how to get into that fucking yeah they're already in the phone they were already in the phone you fucked with Apple I'm like that's the FBI dog they been getting into people's thoughts for 200 fucking years. You don't think they can hack an FBI phone. That's what they're letting the consumer think. Oh, my God.

Well, the FBI couldn't hack it. How could I? You know what I'm saying? Like every fucking smart white dude right now at home is like, you know the FBI going to hack this phone? Can you imagine that? That's the security of Apple. Apple's at home polishing their fingers.

They look at us. They don't give a fuck. Idiot. They're watching the guy from Apple jerk off in his fucking office on top of the secretary's face. They'll watch them. I'm going, look at this fucking moron. You don't think we get to open up a phone.

Are you fucking retarded? And then did you see when they were like, oh, we got it. We got it. Yeah, thank you. Don't worry about it. Get the fuck out of it. They put an ad for these fucking idiots.

Now all these idiots raised their hands. Now they know about them. Now you're on paper that you raised your hand. You thought you were going to really open up the fucking hack phone. You fucking moron. Now they got you on paper. You went in there and said, my name is Joe Smith. I'll hack that phone, you fucking dummies.

Really? Okay, thank you. We'll call you in a week. Where's Tony Bennett, cuck, sucker? You're on the list. Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable what we fall for and how gullible we are at times. Oh, yeah. To do another star with Lee's. When somebody breaks your home.

You're crazy. No. We'll go deep to that way. A split one with you? There ain't no split. You already got a split. Oh, shit. Reliously.

Murder was the case. That they gave me. He's going to hospital. What hospital did he go to? Sherman Oaks Hospital. How was it? Not bad. They almost broke my wrist.

There you go, Lee. What the fuck. It's Monday the 2nd of May. If you don't send an example, who's going to delete the music on. You don't know. Here you go, buddy. Oh, it's done. Like this, Lee, look.

Oh, shit. Look at a doctor. Can you do it? I think I missed it. Where to go? Oh, sorry. Huh? I think it.

Is he me going? Oh. Are you scared? No, I'm not scared, but I had 725. What's that put you at? 850. Bam. If the puzzle fits.

So You want to split one, Aiden? No. Don't involve Aida. No. Aida brought the vapor pen. She's on anti-fucking THC pills. She already ate charcoal, just thing.

See what happens. Did you meet it? See what happens when you join the Marines? These are the Marines? It's a life of fun and adventure. I got to see the world? Yeah, you go home. You don't know what you go?

going to eat, right? You might end up at the cactus. You might end up at the decadnees. That's the world. You want to end up with a taco stand. What time is your favorite taco stand close? The latest one's open until midnight. So I don't think I'm to make that one. We'll get you out of here before now. We've got another start. There's no way. There's no way. I'm going to be packed out on that couch again. How many have you had today? We opened up with like seven. We opened up with three, two hundreds and one, one, 125.

Here we go. Here we go. Fuck it. Oh my gosh. Happy times. Charles Brunson. Do you know that I saw all the Charles Brunson movies when I was a little girl? Like Death Wish.

Death Wish won with my grandmother. Like I'm talking about five years old watching Death Wish. I went to see Death Wish in the movie theater. So how old are you then? I'm going to be 39. 39, so I'm 53. So you're a little older than sex. That bullshit me and shit.

No, I was serious. Did you see Charles Branson in the movie theater for Death Wish? No, I didn't see it in a movie theater. I saw it on HBO. Don't be fucking on me. I know my movies are shit. Yeah, not in the movie theater, but my grandmother used to watch those movies. She used to idolize him.

She used to think, like, she was one of those eye-for-tooth-tooth people. So Charles Bronson was the hero Because remember when the gang people Were wreak havoc in the neighborhood See if you could find death wish rape scene Oh my It was one of the most traumatizing rape scenes On the mattress on the floor

Oh my I don't know whether And it was Eric Globe Goldblum This will definitely get kicked off Go ahead Find the fucking thing I'll just play the audio for the people That's when I'll discover That revenge is sweet

You went to see it in the movie I went to, I was at 10 years old. You were little. I was little. I went to see that. I went to see Stone Killer in the movie theater. I went to see the mechanic in the movie theater. I saw the Diklnese with ones when he was a cop.

The only movie. And the one when he took the 44 magnum, I'll never forget this. I went with Pepe Go. If your name is Jose in Cuban, your nickname is Pepe. Pepe fell off a roof and he fucked up his leg. So he had a limp. So he called him Pepe Ego. Alcoho.

All right, so we went to see that movie. And there's one scene when he goes back into the coffee shop and he goes, I've been coming here every day. Go Dirty Harry Coffee Shop because they're not going to have the rap scene here. Oh, there's none of these are right? No, no, no. Go to Dirty Harry Coffee Shop. What's a death wish? It's there right, too.

Coffee shop scene last. I've been coming in here every day. Yeah, that's it. God, watch this. This is tremendously. You have never seen this either. It's embarrassing. Look.

Look at this fucking savage. First time I saw this, my head almost exploded. She's just pouring coffee in this fucking... She's just pouring sugar in this coffee. What year is this leave when Dirty Harry came on? I'll have to look at it up after that. I think it's 73, 74. Now I'm a fucking kid.

And I'm watching this in New York City on 42nd Street. Don't worry about that, Lee. Pay attention here. Now I want everything. Money, washes, rings, everything. Come up with me, Mom. We'll have us a little party, huh? That's why they talk to the 70s.

What you doing? Pig head sucker? Pig head sucker. Every day for the last 10 years, Loretta there has been giving me a large black coffee. Today she gives me a large black coffee only that's got sugar. I just came back to complain. You boys put those guns down.

They what? We're not just going to let you walk out of here. Who is we, sucker? Smith, Wesson. He's going to have to go home and watch this tonight. He's so badass in this. So right here, after the third black guy went down, Pepecoho decides to you.

Oh, no. Go ahead. Unamato Son de Negro. Sorry about that, Lee. You missed the line. He goes, go ahead, make my dad. It was a famous fucking line. So at this, that he yells at the movie theater.

Ponyu. No matter son de Negro. That means, holy shit, they're killing a lot of black people. He's pissed. He didn't get to kill him. And what's killing me about, like, today... The Ambrosia in the DA's office. Ask him the Cawky is psychic.

We don't have these type of movies. We don't have. an American hero. No. We have superheroes. And that's what people misunderstood me a couple weeks ago. When I was saying, I don't like fucking superhero movies because, no, we're good. They don't do nothing.

They don't do nothing. We identify with fucking superheroes. There's no fucking superheroes. Nobody's got a fucking cape. Nobody's got a fucking Iron Man. We identified with men growing up. You know, Charles Bronson was a huge piece of me. You know, anything about me is I got an extra revenge.

sell whatever de gene yeah he's so all those movies were about people you know they were doing something wrong but at the same time in their world they were doing something right you know i've always believed like i have all those things in my mind people i want to stab like i'm pissed in a way that things worked out in comedy because i couldn't kill my wife you know what i'm saying if things wouldn't have worked out in comedy right now i'd be doing 20 years and she'd be somewhere looking like Nicole Simpson with a missing fucking head some way, you know what I'm saying? But things work that. Looking like Nicole.

Yeah, oh, you know what I'm saying? I'm sorry, but it's the truth. You know, when I first came to LA, I came to LA to kill time. My thing was to kill time. I knew I wasn't going to ever do nothing comically. I was going to be an extra. So I was just trying to kill time until I could go back and figure out how I was going to stab my ex-wife and a fucking husband.

That was the truth. In my heart, guys. In my heart, that was the truth. and I kept getting less and less and over the years and now my daughter don't talk to me and I'd be honest

you I still want to stab both those motherfuckers like every time I go to Denver I'll even think about going to Boulder I stay in my hotel room because I know if something bad happens

I'll take that train the fucking Denver with one of those Rambo knives to Boulder and I'll wait for her in the bushes I don't want to do that I don't want to do that I don't want to do that

we don't want you to do that either no no no no I'm too old for that shit so it's weird So I have that extra, you know, that extra type. But when somebody fucks with you a lot, you let them forget about it. And then you go get him. Let him think that everything's beautiful.

And then you fucking show up, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes they even worry about me. I go, what about the people I fucked with 30 years ago? Maybe that way ain't going to bush waiting for me somewhere. You know what I'm saying? You never know. That's why you always got to have new chucks in a fucking, and some mace or whatever the fuck they have. Oh, you got num chucks?

No, I'm gonna fucking know. What the Newtchuk's gonna do for you In hand-to-hand comment at this age? I'll tell you what, buddy. You get one good swing? Dog, I hate you in the head with a fucking Newchuk, one of those regulation ones. Yeah.

It's gonna be a bad. Like wood ones? Dog, you're gonna have a concussion. You're gonna hear voices for a couple weeks. I have one of those Louisville sluggers in my car. Oh yeah, you gotta have one of those. And you can bust somebody in the head really hard with those. You gotta get a hanger.

Pasacalelo. No, no, no, you got a hanger. And you put Scott's ten. at the end, electrical tape. If they catch you, it's like an illegal weapon. But boy, that shit hurts at night. People don't see it coming. They don't see it.

They don't see it. They're like, this motherfucker's hit me with no new chucks. It's fucking crazy, the street weapons you can have. It's always nice when you're in here because it reminds me a home. I know I'm not crazy. And I don't know if it's the Spanish side of us that grew up with this crazy and, you know, crazy people in your life that sometimes you're too embarrassed to tell people about the craziness in your life as a youth.

Yes. But sometimes, like, when I met you and you were telling me all these stories, I would just giggle about your father's shit. I would just giggle because part of those stories are who I am. It's me. Yeah. I giggle and I get scared.

I told my wife when I came home, I told about all the fucking things your dad would do you. And I'm like, you know what's the scary thing is that's me. Yeah. I think about the same way with daughters. You know, you have to be. to be a firm. And I told you, I had two friends, two Cuban girls that I grew up with, their dad stopped talking to him. Stop talking to him. One, because he told the mother not to let her

away those shorts. Tell her, no, one of those shorts, because she can't come back here and pregnant with him to fucking get the fuck out of here. And the other one lived downstairs. I don't know, I forget what she did. She just dated or something. And he stopped talking to him. What's up with you, Lee? That milligram hit you yet, cock sucker? I can't, yeah, I'm pretty sure Everything's hitting me I'm doing good This is a tough week for a lot of people

Uh Lee talked about it last week He wanted to go visit his mom And I said, you know, I was busting his balls Huh, I was, what's that? No, I'm listening to Oh, you're scratching one of those crud dads And you're fucking out

My dreads Dreads, whatever the fuck thing First thing you said when he came in And they're really corn rolls Corn dreads, I don't fucking know Coen dreads This is a fucked up week for me, and especially since I was writing about it today.

You know, it's Mother's Day, you know, and Lee was saying last week, you want to go, and when I went back for the house day, then I'm like, I can't believe Lee was letting me bust his balls about going to visit his mom. I got it.

But just how he was thrown, and he said to me, because I haven't seen my mommy in life. I did not say mommy. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. I would not say mommy in front of you. So it's just,

And it's funny how you, it's her birth, it's my mom's birthday on the night. It's my mom's birthday, May 9th, and May 9th is the day my godmother died, my favorite one, my favorite lays in the world, my Santeria godmother. So, uh, I was thinking about it and also I talked to you. Yeah. And you said you're doing this Mother's Day benefit. You're taking 35 homeless mothers on. Now, where did you meet these homeless mothers?

I haven't met them. I found them through this organization. I'm going to take them. who breakfast on Saturday and Sunday. Felicia, Lori Kilmartin, and Tiffany Haddish and I are going to do a comedy show for them at the improv on Sunday on Mother's Day. That's a nice thing. Yeah, you know, I miss my mom too. Is your mom dead?

No, my mom is alive, but my mom's been an addict for many years, so it's not like she's been here. Where she lives? Miami. Okay. So. Why do, if you're addicted, you got to move out of Miami. Oh, Florida is. It's fucking.

Yeah. I never, for years, Lee, before you were even around or a fan of football, we had a fucking horrible football player that had a drug problem like me. His name was Hollywood Henderson. Okay, Hollywood Henderson was drafted, tremendous lineback of one or fucking whatever, got fired. Guess who picked him up? Miami Dolmins. He lasted a month, a month.

He got fired from Miami. for smoking a joint with his stuilis. Okay, hilarious. And he clannily. And when they interviewed him on the and he's like, hey, I smoked a fucking joint with his daughter.

He was just crazy shit. There was another guy. He was the fridge's brother. What's the fridge? Perry? Yeah. His brother. He had a brother that played for the Broncos.

60 U.I's, cocaine. Who do you think fucking they traded him to fucking Miami? Miami is. the last place you want to go. If you have a sex addiction, a Coke addiction, a booze

addiction, any pill addiction, that's the fucking capital of pills for a while, wasn't it? Absolutely. It's like the last place you want to be. I can't imagine being an addict in Miami and being stuck in that cycle. Yeah. That cycle of just trying to make rent and trying to fucking keep your fucking drug

habit alive. That's why I don't live there anymore. I am very lucky. When I wake up every morning dog, you have no idea. I'm many people I think on the way to piss. And I think one of the biggest things I have is that I don't have to go find the drug dealer at 8 o'clock every night anymore. Yeah.

Something to be thankful for. Jesus Christ. I had fucking coffee with Josh Wolf last week. And I told him, I go, you know, over the years I see all the things that were happening to me leading up to me quitting. And they were all pointing at a fucking dying or a heart attack. My spine was starting to hurt. towards the end when I had like a quarter gram of coke left,

I would get shocks in my spine. Like somebody was stabbing my fucking spine with a knife. You know what that's like, though? And then you're thinking to yourself, well, maybe I should quit. I'll throw that coke away. I ain't throwing that fucking cocoa away. I don't care if they stabbed me 80 times in the fucking spine tonight.

I'm not going to throw that fucking cocoa on. You know, it was 418 pounds when I quit doing cocaine. Do you know that? They were fucking cutting it with ice cream. I don't know what the fuck they were cutting that coke with. We're cutting it with fucking jelly sandwiches of some shit with jelly donuts. Get them. Wow.

Towards the end, I was doing heroin. For three months that summer, I was doing heroin. Jeff, whatever's name was, gave me an oxycutting one night. I had a little piece. I thought I was on a fucking diary. I couldn't believe I was to that part of my fucking life. So the drug thing, I'm so fucking happy. Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ. So these moms, man, this is really nice that you're doing this shit. And it's 8 o'clock at the improv Sunday. 7.30. 7.30. You, my girl, are they going to feed him there? Felicia, we're going to feed them there too.

Philippe, she was just here on the show two weeks ago. Oh, good. Yeah, she's going to be on the show. With her little soft voice and shit. I love her. And Mickey Mouse charm. I talked to her today. She was going to date tonight.

Oh, she was. I had to talk to. Felicia and I have the same mother. Her mother was white and mine is Puerto Rican, but we have the same mother. Like when I wanted to see her one woman's show, I was like, that's my life. From the food stamps to the pill addiction to everything. It's very interesting how we have such parallel lives. That's a tough fucking life, man.

It's a tough life. It gets you somewhere, maybe in the front, maybe in the middle, maybe at the end. But it gets you somewhere. You're so Cuban. If you're the entry, to the salida. Yeah, but it's the fucking realities. in this motherfucker, you know? And that's what people can't figure out.

They get stuck in a problem, and they can't figure out how to bounce out of the fucking problem. And sometimes it takes years. Listen, it took me 30 fucking years to get out of a drug habit. Right. 30 years how to get out. 27 years of your life. You look at your life when you're in a hospital bed,

when you're fucking 80, and you go, I gave 27 years to a coke habit. Jesus fucking Christ, you know. That's why if you listen to the show, I mean, you know, you're not going to quit until you're ready to quit. That's right.

I'm not going to lie to nobody and told you, I can tell you guys, I made a promise to a cat, and that's why I'm here. I was just ready to fucking quit. I was just so frustrated with my life. I was so frustrated with comedy, and I knew that if I quit,

I would give comedy a chance for reals. You know what I'm saying? Give it a comedy a chance for reals. Like give you a life a chance for reals. I still talk to people. But I quit nine years ago, and they're still doing it. at the same rate I was doing it today.

And I can't believe it. I couldn't even imagine, I could not imagine doing a line of coke to my nose right now. I have a great time eating animals with Lee and smoking pot. This is all I need. You never got the urge?

Not even fucking close. That's crazy. I've thought about, like, what would it be like to get an ape on and bring a waitress up here now today? It wouldn't even work for me. I would get a nervous breakdown. Yeah.

I would have a nervous breakdown. So many different types of addiction, too. Like people look at drug addicts and think, like I remember going to the hospital with my mom and somebody who's saying, she's not like a drug addict. She just takes pills. And I'm like, no, she's a drug addict just like any other drug addict. She sold a television for some perkinset. That's a drug addict.

That is that you don't have, and women with men, you know, sometimes you're addicted to that bad dude. That's your drug. But we all have addictions. And addiction is a motherfucker. It's really hard to, I was in a bad relationship for many years, and my friends call them heroin, because they were like, you keep going back to that shit is going to kill you one day. And that same, I had to take, I had to stand up and say, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to die.

Because that's what it felt like. It felt like death was upon me. So I watched my mom, and I, you know, I've done like nine interventions with her, and I go back and I try to get her, you know. And I'll go to Al-Anon. because the doctor was like, your mom's an addict, but you're crazy, because you think you're going to rescue her. She's got to want to do it herself. And so we just sit and wait and hope that one day she stops

because that perkins said is real. Look what happened to Prince. I never liked. I never, I never, I never, I never, I never, I never understood the guilt for the Al-Anon, you know, like I never went to an Al-Anon meeting. I just had a friend. or a white dude in bold. Who had a brother, and he couldn't take it anymore.

So he went to Allen-on-on-meeting, and he went to an alcohol. He told me all about, I don't know. Meanwhile, I was sitting there doing an eight ball. And he's telling me that his brother's an addict. And, you know, he's always trying to help his brother. And I'm like, what the fuck? You people had more drama to this cleanliness shit, you know.

So it's another form of addiction. You are addicted to the addict. That's what it is. It's another form of addiction. you're addicted to the drama you know you are addicted to it and it's it's the you know it's the it's the weirdest thing in the world to watch somebody and I grew up around drugs I grew up around cocaine and crack you know my uncle used to buy um god rest his soul my favorite uncle he used to buy stuff from fingerhood he used to order shit from fingerhood all the time right and then we'll sell it for the

drugs and one day he caught a cab to the apartment building where I grew up in and I could hear the cab driver cussing him out and he ran up into the apartment and came back with the silver platter and tried to pay the cab driver with the clatter because he was a crackhead and the cab driver took the platter and started hitting him with it he was like motherfucker I want my money it was crack he would do he jumped off the balcony of my grandmother's house with a figura a porcelain knick-knack and ran down the street and sold it because my grandmother would lock him in the house and he took the knick-knack jumped out the balcony and went and sold it for a rock you know i did one day my grandmother went to collect the rents and the man that every apartment

that she went to they'd be like oh i'm sorry sign yore though we've already gave the rent to your son and by like the sixth apartment she knew he had collected all the rents she went and got the gun because she was going to shoot him because she was like i got i don't know what i'm going to tell the owner because he stole all the rents and he would go and and binge on drugs, cocaine, crack, heroin. He would go for three or four days, disappear, and then come back like nothing happened. And my grandmother was waiting for that motherfucker with a broomstick,

and she beat them up and down 21st court with the broomstick until she broke the broom on him. And then she said, but they will come and moppel. Go get the mop, because the mop is next. I grew up around addiction my whole life. My dad was a heroin addict, so I just... Your father, too? The Cuban dude?

No, my real father. My stepfather never did drugs. The Cuban? No. But my real father, the one I didn't grow up with, he did heroin. And it was my stepfather never did a drug. He was, his addiction was a different type of addiction, but it wasn't drugs. It's fucked up.

I give thanks every day that, Lee, I think of Lee, when we did the 6 a.m. podcast. And there's times I said to myself, Jesus, if I was doing Coke with Lee, when we're doing a podcast at six the first year he would have waited for me ten times I would have called them and said Lee I'm not coming can you imagine you can't do anything

you can't plan your life around that Lee can't keep his eyes open because there would be no way Lee that would get high till five and come over here at six I'd be too paranoid to leave the house I would not even think of leaving my house every door would be like

you could be outside with the car Do you think this would become like a party place? Like you would just stay here and do the Coke here so you could do the podcast? Oh, it would have got to a point where I would have came here at night. Locked myself in, the way that chair is against the door, locked the windows, and I would have snorted Coke in here. But the killer in here is you got to go outside to go to the bathroom, which means I would have to pee in those water bottles.

That's how nasty I am. That's how nasty you're addictionist. Oh, yeah. Nasty. I did nasty things, guys. One time I did an ounce of blow, and I stayed in by myself for three days. I had a dog. I wouldn't walk him.

That dog sat in that corner crying until he finally figured out that this motherfucker ain't going to take me out. That was one of the worst things I ever did to an animal. I remember when we stepped out, he shit on the way down the stairs. Like, he held it. I wouldn't let him out. It was horrible, horrible, horrible. You know, you do so many friends. fucking crazy things, man.

Break into people's houses at night. When I ripped my hand open, I was thinking of that robbery the other night, when I ripped my hand open on the fucking Bob White. And how fucking I tried to rip the window open and it wouldn't work and the cops came and I fucking ran 20 blocks bleeding. I had blood all over my fucking jeans.

And I went into this fucking house. And all I worried about was getting out of that night. Like I owe $20,000. I owed $30,000 at that time. And I told those people that I owed the money that I was going to have the money that night. So like credit card companies or like... No, no, no.

There was no credit card in those days. It was 1983. I didn't have a credit card. This was the people. Those boys. And what would like the consequences be of you not paying on time? I mean, at that time

they would just give you pay. plans. Like, I was on pay plans with like four different fucking people. Oh, so it's not like your legs broken. No, no, no. You know, I owe you $3,000. I got to pay you $150 a week until I pay you to $3,000. That's five weeks, yeah.

So that was a time I was coming up with anywhere from $1,000 a week to $12.50 just to keep the loan sharks off me. Can you imagine that $12.50 before your party starts? And I'm living on the streets, selling coke and slinging half grams and trying to make eight balls and put shit together. But still, coming up with $12.50 every week for some fucking loan shark. And at the same time,

trying to snort and do whatever fuck I'm doing. It's a fucking horrible life, man. And I don't wish anybody. Listen, like I said, nothing. I know for a fact that nothing new or Lee or Ada or when somebody's going through this shit, they have to go through it on their own. They'll get a couple talks and shit,

but if you play the game, they'll go to 55 rehabs. The rehabbing is a break. Those rehabs are just a break for you. It's like putting a prisoner in jail. When you put a prisoner in jail like a convict, like a real fucking criminal, he goes in jail to learn. Yep.

He learns. Become a better criminal. He learns. So when he comes, like, let's say he goes in there, let's say he's a drug smuggling, but he bumps into leave. and Lee is an international fucking drug smuggled. A guy who ships 50 pounds a fucking hour,

weed and fucking blow and whatever, he'll learn those things now in those routes. What do you think happens when a fucking drug addict goes to rehab? They talk to other druggies. And all of a sudden they go, you didn't know you could fucking fake prescriptions of CBS? Which one? The one in Studio City?

Yeah, there's a Chinese guy. He don't look at. You know, that's it. That's it. You just opened up a door. That addict. just has something in their mind that if they get out of they want to use again, they're going to fucking get high.

Trust me, I did that shit. I went to one rehab. I went to one rehab. There was a six-week rehab, and I knew it was a scam. At the age of fucking 27 or 28, I went to a rehab. It was outpatient where you go from six to nine. Yep. And I knew it was a scam, Lee.

I was like, this is going to be the biggest scam in 10 years. It sure did become. At what point do you know it was a scam? I think it's a band-aid. I think when you go to rehab, it's a band-aid. I'd rather take the $20,000. I'm going to pay Lee to put A-N-in and take 10. And take Lee to fucking Montana.

And take it to a fucking cabin up in the mountains where she has to exercise. And if she escaped, she's got a hitchhike 60 fucking miles. Yep. To a nervous buck station, which means she's going to have to blow some fucking body for gas. Or they're going to fucking molester because it because it's just cow. Cowboys up there. You know, and even then, it's not a guarantee. It's just a lapse in the addiction.

And when you don't do drugs, the addiction continues to grow. If I went and did Coke again, it would take me a week and a half, and I'd be right back doing an eight ball a night. It would take me a couple nights to do a couple bumps, then maybe a half a gram, then a half a grand, then maybe a gram. But after like two or three weeks, I'd be right back where I was going, baby.

A fucking two grams a night in three snorts. Two grams and three snorts, Aida. That'll kill you. And next thing you know, that's what happens. People go back to the doses that they were doing before, and they think their body can handle it, and their bodies can't handle it. And that's what you get an OD.

Yeah. Do you have people offering you drugs now? Marijuana and edibles and mushrooms. Phenical. Never. Never. I'm going to tell you what. Because when you're an addict to cocaine, when you're an addict to meth, when you're an addict to heroin, believe in a minute, what I'm going to say to you guys, you're going to think I'm crazy.

But you send off a certain signal. You send off a certain signal. Meth people, no meth people, heroin people, no heroin people, no heroin people. Cocaine people, no cocaine people. As stupid as it sounds. As dumb as it sounds, you're going to look at me and go, Joey, you're fucking retarded. Well, you said it earlier when he said, people looking like what you did just out in the morning looking for what's up.

Like, that's it's, do you notice people? Like, if you're just driving by, you'll just be like, oh, yeah, that guy's looking for coke. I can tell when somebody hasn't slept now. I can tell because of the body language. I can tell when somebody is on Coke. And I could also tell when somebody is on Coke and their eyes and their nose is why. open. Yeah. They're playing it cool, but they're looking for the next package. Oh, I can see. So all they're looking for is a wallet on the floor, a jacket hanging, a purse unattended.

That's all they're looking for. You know what I know? Because I know how I would stand. I know how I would position myself and I know how I would look. But nobody in 27 years of a heroin, of a cocaine addiction, not too many people came up to me and offered me heroin, unless I asked for it. Okay? In 27-year cocaine addiction, nobody came up to me and offered me meth with a shooting and a smoke and I know nothing about that world

because nobody ever came up to me and offered it to me. You know how many people in the last, you know, 20 years I did coke, how many people came up to me and asked me if I want to want to be a lot, a lot more than any of the above. When I was doing coke, people wouldn't even come up to me talk to me about Riefer. They would talk to me and then say, hey, man, I got some fucking Coke that I'll knock your fucking wig off.

Let's go do a line. We go do a line. We come back and you get more. Yeah, I got more in my pocket. What do you want? I'm looking for 80 a gram. You got two for 150. Yes, I do.

Boom. That's how quick the sailor was with me. And that happened at every city. I could go into a bar and spot a Coke guy within 15 fucking minutes. And within 25, I'm talking to him. And within 30, I either score or we're taking a ride to go get more code. Is that the fucking craziest thing? It's like an odor you put out that.

Your body puts out something. It's a body language. Let me give some shoutouts. I went to Indianapolis and one band came in on the One Night Hero Jr. They're fucking savages. I played the CD today. Also, Caveman came in. and left me a CD.

I haven't listened to that one. And also another guy came in and left me a CD. Thank you guys. You guys are all fucking talented. I'm going to listen to all these CDs and see what you motherfuckers in indie and what the indie sound is all about. Also, uh,

Trujitsu Revolution.com. It's, uh, my main man, uh, what the fuck, I'm too fucking high right now. You know what I'm saying? My main man, Matt Baker's style of jihitsu up in Bakersfield. Go to Make This Feel BJJ.com right now and say hello, Dustin Bates, Brian Nahuatu, Henry, Abernathy, Philip Cox, Bruno Diaz, Cody Harold, Jeff Corman, and happy birthday, Jimmy, motherfucking Pits and shit. Happy birthday, Jimmy! Cock sucker.

Anyway. So the Mother's Day, sorry, we went off on a tangent on fucking eating pills and snorting people's assholes. Lee, how you doing over that cock? You ready for another star debt? At this point, Lee? No, I'm not going to have another star debt. What are you up to right now? How many milligrams?

850. 850. So you need to do 150 to break your record. I don't need to do. I've done over 1,000. When did you do over 1,000? A bunch of times. When?

Give me the dates in the book. In Vegas, a couple times. And then here. If you eat over a thousand times, I'm going to give you a surprise. When you put the podcast up, you come get me. I'm going to take you. for something that it's been a secret I was holding out for your next birthday

but I'll take you over there and surprise it's open tophal two and you'll be I guarantee you'll kiss me and shit you'll say Joey how'd you know I like this stuff I can't talk now how are you gonna be tonight when you go home

what are you at the house tonight? Turkey sliced dead turkey has been in there since Tuesday it smells terrible what do I have? I don't have much I don't know So where are you going to go eat? You have to stop anyway. You're going to be too high.

That's where Uncle Joey comes through. Yeah, we're going to take me somewhere when we talk to people? When do I take you anywhere to talk to people? When do I take you anywhere and expect you to talk to people? You think I want to go mingle? We just talked about that. We just had a whole fucking paragraph about mingling

and you're telling me you want to fucking go mingle and shit. I don't know of mingle. Look at the shape of me. Do you think I want to mingle? I don't even want to talk to the waitress. If there's a, If there's a way I can write a note to the fucking waitress, I would do it. I don't want to take you to Denny's until your favorite spot and poison you because that wouldn't be nice if you're in a thousand millimeters.

You're looking for a nice steak, pizza, oh, something, you know. Oh my God, look at the shape of hand. Now, you're a mom. How many kids you got all together? Two. With this dude. My ex-husband. And where's the ex today?

And he lives in Georgia. You communicate with him. As minimally. I don't talk to him. talk to him because they're older now so they can talk to him themselves I know yeah you're divorced legally legally divorced yeah that's it you just started all over again and got this there's another thing me and Felicia having got we both talk about that yeah so yeah I have two kids and my kids live in California and we live far away from everybody and they grew up just like

I grew up they're paranoid and they don't know anything and I'm so happy happy that they're like that. They value our family values. They're old school kids. Mom, mommy is reigns supreme. No, no, Lee, let's have a little bit, okay. Yeah, moms are always the number of, I mean, especially if dad's work, it's, moms are. I can't imagine my life now my mom was alive. First off, I wouldn't be the man I turned out to be today. I would still be. I would still be a soft fuck you know i'd be a soft fuck with excuses and a safety that you know what i'm saying so sometimes i'm happy and sometimes i'm sad that she's dead i always say that that i would

have been very uh i knew how i was living that she always had my back yeah so you know i could tell her whatever you know what i'm saying i mean uh i got left back i never told no how did you get away with that? Because I kept the fall away from that fucking school. I kept

the far away from the school and I had a check that will reprint my report card with eighth grade on in seventh grade.

So we were straight for a year or two. I had a player. Like I was, no, for a year, I had to make

believe I was in high school. So she'd give me money for the bus, the whole fucking thing. She would have

killed me before she would have found that. And she was going to find that eventually. She's going to find out in a year

or two. Months. I feel bad about all those things, you know. I'm trying to write something now because, like we said, when you write something, a TV show, a book or something, we always try to write about something to be intelligent about. But the best work you're going to do is what you're passionate about, you know? And I always thought about what my life would be like if my mom was in it with my white wife and the baby and how she would try to raise the baby. or she raised me in 2016. That's right.

Now, between you and I, I know it would work. But in my wife's eyes, it wouldn't work. Right. Absolutely. You know, it just doesn't work on paper, but it works. I would not let my mother do a bump in front of her. That's too much. That was just a bit much.

I wouldn't let my mom smoke pot in front of her. If she had to take it to a MEC game, I guess that's okay. Of course it is. If she had to take a shopping because she would spoil it, I guess that would be okay. And I'd want my mom to

pass over that tough woman mentality. It's not a mentality. It takes more than getting a tattoo. It's a lot more than a woman saying she's a feminist and all the words they use. My mom was Cuban. She didn't know any of those words.

That's right. But she respected womanhood, you know. I remember being older, and she's telling me about women who show la papaya. You know what I'm saying? There was something about my mom. You know, she would always say to me, yeah, if, you know, I don't like sucking dick, but I do it anyway. When I would say that, I don't like making my bet.

She's going, I don't like sucking dick when I do it anything, you know, shit like that. I knew my mother was crazy. I wouldn't want her to say those things around Mercer. seat, but I would want her to, my mother always gave you a sense of importance that you mattered, and she gave you a sense of respect, and why are you crying? Fix your shirt, yeah, look nice for people. You don't have a, let's go get your nice shirt. You know, when you, after a conversation with her, you were put back together. She knew how to put you back together when you lost your fucking mind, and I used to lose my fucking mind, and I see Mercy losing her mind today, and Terry adds fuel the fire.

And that's why she comes over to me Because I try to, I work her like my mom used to work me What are you crying about? Wipe your tears, you don't want people to see you crying. You know what I'm saying? Pick up your shirt. Pull up your shirt. You don't want people to see your tetties.

Come on, set up straight. But daddy, and I grab her and I hold her. I want that message still. And if a motherfucker fucks with you, you break his fucking head, you know, all that thing. My mother really always pushed me not being a follower. Yep. Yeah, my gonadilla.

It's a deep, okay? You know, why are you doing this shit that they're doing? I don't get a fuck. You know what I'm saying? Like, she, you know, made me believe that you have to stand up against things for yourself. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do. You know, the other day, the last thing I want to do was call Uber.

Like, it was the last thing I wanted to do was call fucking Uber. Like, once I call Uber, that puts me in a different time zone in my brain. You know what I'm saying? Like, then I cross the line. There's so many things that I keep sacred that I'm trying to keep saying. for myself. My mother took a cab everywhere. You know what I'm saying? I was just about to take a cab, but I made a mistake. I called him an Armenian limousine driver, and he called me back and said, give me your credit card number. And I didn't have my wallet on me. I said, I'll call

him later. And I forgot about it, so I was embarrassed to call him back, so I thought they forgot. They showed up. They showed up to pay. I was ready to call Uber, and they called him and said, we're outside for your ride, but then you credit card. So right now, somebody's playing bingo with my fucking Bulgarian shit. What else has been going on when you talk to me, stand-up wise? I've been working. I've been in New York a lot.

That's why I've been really like working my, working the comedy. I just recorded an album last week at the stand in New York. And I've been working at the cellar and I've been working at the stand. I did Robert De Niro's movie, the comedian.

I bombed like a motherfucker In the beginning of the year And he selected He handpicked certain comedians for And I was one of them And we recorded at the village underground So I've been working I've been you know some of the things that I've been doing

I've been really working on my TV show stuff And auditioning I'm going to do Comedy Central next week I'm doing the nightly show next Monday What's the nightly show? Your friend, Larry Wilmore. Okay, what are you doing on there? I'm doing a panelist.

I've been on there before. Look at you. What I said that before, I watched it, and it was the most bland fucking comedy ever saw in my life. Him and Obama. First of all,

I don't want to see the president doing fucking comedy. He's not a stand-up. That's not that he's a stand-up. He should be somewhere fighting ISIS. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to see you on a Saturday night fight and start with a tuxedos or a bunch of black people.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. and white people. I said, you're a fucking president. Enough is enough. They were either on Saturday Live, jumping up with Jimmy Kimmel. I went there's an end. You're the fucking president.

You're the fucking president. It's like a social thing. They've all been on late nights. Did you see that video? He made with the vice president? I didn't like that. No, you know, and there's just enough time. But when I went back to the room,

Saturday, I couldn't sleep and I had it on for a little while. And I was dying to fucking boredom. I'm like, look at these people laughing at what? What the fuck are they laughing at? I think the funniest thing Obama said it was the night. That Larry Wilmore didn't make me fucking laugh one time. He was dying in that fucking room.

They didn't know what to do those white people. What did he say about Trump? I don't fucking know, but they act like, you know, like they really like Larry. They don't fucking like nobody. Unless those people want to see Seinfeld. Bring Seinfeld in there. He would have ripped that room. Oh, my God.

That joke was so witty. The watered down white people. Yeah, no, I can't listen to that shit. So I can't, you know, I can't. I can't. I'm too old. It's old. I don't even react to that shit. It's like, Jesus Christ, how bad was that? I watched him, he said a couple things that.

Then I read the next day, he said, nigger. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. What's it got to do with us, Lisa? We're on fucking 900 milligrams of that day. What do you give a fuck about right now, Lisa? What's on your mind? Lee. Hello.

I don't know what's. I'm not going to mind. Nothing's on my mind. You're not thinking about cheeseburger or something. Tell me the truth. Well, when you brought up in and out, I was thinking that it would be a pretty good place to have a panic attack. Look, you could just eat there. Did you get the line for the food? The line was too long. You know, that line over there was ridiculous.

The people or the car? The car. The line was. I'm happy that you didn't get mad at me because I didn't give it to you inadvertently. You said you didn't want it. So I left it on the table. You reached out. So I said, all right.

eat what you want. Once you ate it, I thought that you knew what you were doing. Well, matter you for why, you know. You're so far from delicious. No, I know. No, no, no, no. I know. Some people, like I said, I just heard a little vibe about this about 10 days ago that a couple of comedians. Like, we, every time we go on there, we get too high. You know, and it's like, you know what, man, this is just an escape but two fucking hours. If you want, I'll pay for your fucking Uber. You tell everybody you, oh, my God, I got an edible. I got a 180 milligram chocolate bar in my travel bag. Some guy came up to me the other night in Indianapolis. He gave me one of those chocolate bars. I buy over there. The ones we used to eat,

when we used to eat 180 and split them. Yeah. He gave one of those. I took the box and I put it in my fucking bag. In case I needed one on the airplane. You never know when you get an urge for chocolate on the fucking airplane. You know what I'm saying? That's right.

So. Mad of you? Fuck. No, at least that's why I got a lot of love for. for you because you were like, you know, most people would have told everybody, I went on the podcast, and they need a star, I ended up in the hospital shit. I think it's funny.

I think it's funny as fuck. It's funny as fuck. Some people have no sense of humor and, you know, they tell everybody how they smoke dope and everything, and all of a sudden they come over here to Uncle Joey's lair. No, you know, it's not like here Bill Cosby. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm far from that. Come on, no. I always feel safe when I'm around you. I don't feel. You're too familiar to me, Like family. Yeah. No, no, no, no. That's, I've never, I've done a lot of bad things. I've never dosed a woman's drink or nothing like that.

I've given women aspirin and told them it was cocaine. You know what I'm saying? The creepy shit like that. But I never did another other shit. You did the reverse. You did that bitch of favor. Yeah. That shit worked like 10 times.

And you want me to tell you what the creepiest thing about those stories are? Tell me. That's six of those times. I actually saw the girl's jaws moving and they would tell me how good the coke was and shit. I would give them little lines of aspirin Lisa. The placebo effect?

It's fucking crazy, Lee. Look at the shape of Lee. Lee is out of here. Look at the shape of Lee and stuff. Lee's got his hand folded like this. You see that? Oh, yeah, he's all retardoed out to that. Look at him.

He's got his little hoof hand and shit. What's up, buddy? I'm all retarded out. You gave me, whatever it is. I don't hear what he says? You gave me. I didn't give you nothing. What do you mean you didn't give me nothing?

What did I give you? There's stars in the table. You reached and you got it. Oh, that, man. I didn't give me nothing. What are you talking about? Yeah. Fuck the way.

See what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying about the youth of America? By the way, they want to run. Right, yeah, shit. I don't understand this. He's lucky I love him and stuff like that. He's threatened to who.

I don't know. Anybody can be listening to DEA, FBI, the Cubans. The Cubans listen to everything. Ecomite. Ecomete. Yeah, those Cubans listen to Russian fucking rock stations and everything. They don't fuck around, Jack. Let's get to these fucking ads and we'll abandon ship here.

This is one of my favorites, man. I've been getting a lot of emails on this, and you do what the fuck you want. But you know, I tell you guys out what is, all right? It's okay. You can admit it. The last thing that you want to do after work is wait online in the grocery store or supermarket. Then you got to schlep home.

Then you got to cook up a complicated meal. Cook shit. You got to feed the cats. You got to take care of the kids. This is what you need in your life. Hell no. And all this stuff is expensive. An unhealthy takeout is hardly any better.

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and get two free meals on me, cocksuckers. What do you think about that? I'm going to Blue Apron. Adda for later. You know what I'm saying? Slash Joey. Slash Joey. Hold on. All right. Again, this whole thing, the last two years I've been on it and I love it. Anything to do

it on it, I would at least give it a shot. That's what you're into. I'm not sitting here telling you that I go on the T-booster. I'm not sitting here telling you. you that I go on the that I do the almond banana Mike Doche protein even though Lee liked it. I'm stuck on

the hemp chocolate. I'm stuck in the on the... Oh yeah, on the hemp forest. And what else? What's the other one? I'm stuck on the pills. They give you more energy. Yeah, they should take... Yeah, they should have been to expanse and shroom take immune. That's what works for me because I fly. That's where the immune comes in. And when I go to Jitza, I'm a fat fuck, so I need

every bit of oxygen than I can take. So I take the Shroom Tech Sport you know, I struggle in the end, whatever, but now that I'm in better shape, the Shroom Tech is really taking me on to like when you roll and stuff like that. So I'll tell you what, I can sit here and tell you about a bunch of shit I don't know anything about. What I usually tell people is go to Onit.com right now. Just go to Onet. Read about Shroom Tech.

Read about the Hemphorce Protein. Read about the kettlebells. Read about all the great stuff they got. I can only help you with the supplements. I'll get you 10% off your first order and it gets delivered to your door. That's the best deal I could give you. And if you want to do the stay on the program, you could do that and get an additional 10% off. And that gets additional, that gets sent to your door on a monthly fucking level.

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I want to thank Ada for coming down tonight. God bless you. God bless you. The Improv, 730, Ada, Felicia Michaels, Laurie Kilmartin. Lori Kilmartin. Lori Kilmartin is the first headline I ever opened for as a feature act. Wow. You want me to tell you what year?

September of 1995. 21 years I know Lori Kilmorton. Wow. I even drove it to the airport that weekend to be the nice feature act. Boom. She was the first person I ever opened for as a third. feature act in a major club. Like I had featured before

but one night is, no, no, no, no. This is at the fucking comedy underground in Seattle, Washington. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? So dropping mad props on all you girls for doing the show on Sunday night. Thank you very much for coming down. Thank you for having me. I always have fun here.

It means the world that you came down here and you're doing something for mothers. If my mother was around, I'd fucking take it down and have a laugh at you and shit like that. So you'll be there on spirit. That's right. What's your webpage? FunnyA-I-D-A-D-A.com. Everything's funny either. I have a short film dropping tomorrow, so make sure you go to my website.

Funny either tomorrow. Number two, this week, Sunday, Saturday night. I'm in San Francisco with Andrew Dice Clay. Awesome. At the Washington Thede. I don't even know if that's correct. The following week, I'm in Sacramento at the punchline. The following week, Pittsburgh. Oh, shit, the improv. Bam! Just like that. I'll see you, Motherfuckus Thursday night or Wednesday. Stay Black.

See you tomorrow on Periscope. Thank you for the love. Ada, thank you. Thank you. Lee for having it. Lee, Syed, thank you, you bad motherfucker. Lee. Lee, out. Lysiad. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

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to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like Applebrain and new mood. So the guy that does the social media for is that the middle class line? Yeah.