The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #377 - Andrew Dice Clay and Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: May 5, 2016

Andrew Dice Clay, legendary comedian and actor and Eleanor Kerrigan, amazing Comedian seen on "Andrew Dice Clay Presents: The Blue Show" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:   ScoreBig - When you go to ScoreBig.com, use prom code: JOEY. to get $20 off of your first order. Also check out the Score Big IPhone App.   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey and download the Free Headspace App and start your Take10 10 day free trial .  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/04/2016.


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Cox off. It's all over. Sinko the fucking Mayo Andrew Dice Clay Eleanor Kerrigan And my main man The Flying Jew And little brother, Lee Syed.

I don't know what the fuck you're doing But whatever you're doing, it's over. Oh shit. Seven stars deep tonight, me and Lee. 750 milligrams Out of respect for Andrew Dice Clay. You might even open up another one, Lisa.

We might have to be. to. What's happening? I'm already having a great time. This is great. This is fucking phenomenal. This is nice and relaxing. This is like the greatest thing I've ever done in about 15 years. It's like, no, because besides the fact that when he hit that music, I'm bobbing along because I'm all fucking stoned out already with Joey D, Joey Coco, and the flying Julie. And Eleanor, Jake Kerrigan. Whoa, I got a shit. No, but it's this setup I like.

Yeah, the vibe is great. This is like what I like in my house. This is like what my room looks like with the lights. That's what I like. That's who I am, the ambiance. She'll tell you. Yeah, everything's lava lamps and like, you know, that psychedelic kind of feel to it. It's like, it's like.

No, we don't. We need a lava lamp. Lama lamp would be good. Like wheels always touch. You got to get a lava lamp. Yeah. No. No.

I gotta get you a lava lamp Where do you get the lava lamp? Nobody, you can't get them That's sad What's the question, Joey? I know, I just, I'm always curious I forgot all about the fucking lava lamp There's 10 of them, wait, wait,

So many in his house. Uh-uh. Are you counting in your house? There's eight, nine, if you count my closet. You know, because I got a walking closet. Lots happens in the closet. Yeah, the closet's good. Closets like a lounge in my, in my bedroom.

you know but wheels puts it the best my uh my friend wheels which you know people are going who's wheels you know uh it's one of my opening acts and uh and he's my first best friend which i want to know but he tells me he goes no because we're talking about the lavis he goes you know it's one thing to want to bang a lot he goes but when you bang he goes it's an absolute production number just in your bedroom like max would talk about it like you know because I used to know Eleanor, like, in that way. And, like, in between Eleanor and Valerie, it was like, say what?

That's a terrible thing to say, in between, like. Well, I'm not looking to embarrass you in any way. What's too embarrassed? There was like 15 girls in between, maybe more. But that's what I'm talking about. Oh, okay. Yeah, so Eleanor would get me these girls. That's true.

No, no, but the bottom, but she knows, like, firsthand, like the room's got to have vibe. I'm not like the type of guy that just wants to dim. It's not like boring. Yeah. It's like an event. And it's instant. When it starts getting dark, different combination of lights goes on every night because I can't live with a dim down little dimmer with the end table lamp. I mean, it loses the luster, you know, with whatever chick you're with after a month. You know, so I always have different combinations of light. So I got to get Joey Dee. Well, you're learning with something tonight. That's, you absolutely right. Let me tell you, there's always music 24-7.

Always. Even if it's low. You know what I mean? That it's just going. Because that's what life is. You got to just keep going. Yeah. So I keep, there's always a soundtrack going on in my house.

When you were young growing up, was there always music on in your house? What was on in the house in those days? When you were like seven, eight? Well, when I get up, like, to have coffee with my mother, people always ask me, like, so did you, Father have that mouth and that attitude. It was really my mom. You know, she'd sit at the kitchen table.

I wake up on another day. I just found an excuse not to go to school. And she wouldn't even bother me with it. She'd go, you know, pour some coffee. And she'd be smoking like a 120. She smoked these like Virginia Slims, 120s. The long ones, yeah. And Sinatra would be on.

There was William B. They would call this DJ. And he would play Sinatra for hours. Like Sirius does it now. Yeah. In Brooklyn. You know, so that's what would play, you know, when you get up in the morning, like 12, 1, whatever it is, you know, because she was a late riser, too, so that's why I could get away

with not going to school. You know, and then I come out of my room, I go, I can't believe I, like, forgot to go over there. Forgot to go. And look, there's snow flurries. You really want me out in that? And she loved the company, so she'd go, you know what, pour a cup of coffee. You know, and we've been listening to Sinatra. She gets hungry for cock at eight

I don't think those are the words That's different It's different words You reminded me of this shit When I did Joe's podcast When you started singing The contents of my balls Is on your face

My wedding song The bottom of your ass Is a very fine place You have a great voice. He really does. He really can sing. And they make swings. She gets hungry.

Foucaque at eight. I grew up in a house with music on. And this house I'm living on does not have music. What? I have music in the room. No, you got to have. So besides the lava lamp, I got to get you something to play music. No, no.

I brought this over here. See, that was my little. I got that. The exact one. It's amazing. Yeah. And it blasts. That'll blasts.

Blast and I brought him over here. I do want to say because we just got into the music and everything, but I got to say I'm thrilled to be on your show. I've been looking forward to it. I know we got to postpone our gig, you know, in San Francisco. Right. But we'll make it up. And I was excited about that because what was they telling you on the phone about him?

What he's going to do in front of me? It's just going to annihilate and destroy them. Yeah. And he said, I'll tell Joey, don't leave nothing. Yeah, I'll say don't leave anything so I could just sort of come out and relax. He likes to come out and just ride that way, you know? Yeah, I'd rather come out after a kill. Like Eleanor is a killer on stage.

I've been telling her lately. I go, you know, it's becoming like hard to follow. Because, you know, I got, when I come on stage, I got a nothing. I don't care if you got a standing O, if you just crush them. I'll take my applause because. they feel they need to do that. And then I'll just go to nothing. I'll take a few minutes just to walk around, relax.

It's almost like he resets the room. Yeah, you've got to reset it. How many years of stand-up, Andrew? Nearly 40. 40. Wow. Do you know what the experience is? He could control the room.

When he used to, we'd be behind the comedy store, and he'd go, tonight I'm going to go up there and watch what I'm going to talk. I'm not going to talk. Yeah. I would go home and say, like, this isn't for me. Why does he want to go up there and talk? Jesus Christ, I don't know how many times that tooth.

I can't believe he got me stoned out before we ever, give me another hit of this. And I'm in a cloud of smoke, by the way. I can't see a thing. Maybe you'll hire me here. He turned the lights out. I don't know what's happening in there. Control on stage is confidence.

Absolutely. Listen, man, there's a couple people who break down comedy for you. you and Andrew's one of those people like behind the comedy store on those stairs with the cousin Oh yeah He remembered your cousin And he would just school us on little things

And I would go home and go what the fuck was he talking about Because he was telling me about things I I wasn't ready for I was five years ahead Yeah I was five years behind of getting to that control But when he told me about the fucking I'm going to go up there and not say dick That's how I became a story tellerly Yeah

Because I went home and took looked at onto the belly room one night and said that's the control level not saying dick for years you could tell an amateur comedian he wants to run up there and tell his material yeah i've seen people a pro slows down no matter you could like listen iis could come into the comedy store and blow up the corner and Andrew come up and wait and suck them into their world just it's a fucking gift no it's true it's a 40 it's a 20 it takes about 11 to have have the balls to fucking, you know, especially in a big room. You know, Tuesday at the Librarians Club don't mean dick to nobody.

But in front of 200 people on a Friday at the store, when you're just following Margaret Cho or whoever, you know, it's a hot night. Yeah, yeah. The control. I was the guy that always followed Eddie Murphy. You know, at first I'd have to, you know, beg Mitzi to do it, you know. But then I was her guy, like to follow Robin Williams. Robin Williams, Eddie Murphy, and Richard Pryor when he came back from the burn incident.

You know, after that. And honestly, I didn't think twice. I just, I don't know what it is about me. I just look at everything as a challenge. You know, and I've told this story before when the last time I did the Howard Stern show, he says to me, Because even after all these years, I still baffle him. You know, I just see it in his face. I mean, he's the greatest, but I still get him with shit

because he says, this is like after the Woody thing happened. And people are going, you're going to win the Academy Award, all this. And I'm like, no, I'm not. I just wanted to do a great job. And that's how I really feel about those things. But after I did Woody, you know, because I already did another special, I did Entourage, the final season. So the woody thing, like, blew it up.

And Stern is asking me, he goes, all right, so let me ask you a question, Dice. He goes, you'll build your career to an absolute pinnacle. And then you'll destroy it. Like, why would you do that? And my answer was for the goof. Yeah. Just to see if I can go do it again. Jesus.

And there's no guarantee of that. No, but you've done it. Yeah, and now I'm at that point again. That's what's going on now, but I'm not going to blow it. I'm not going to blow it for the goof. Do you remember 10 years ago, everybody kept saying that they were going to release the fucking Marlon Brandel tapes of him teaching an acting class in the Valley. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, for a while before he died, it was a very secret acting class.

And he taped all the classes. And for years, people were going to release him. Where we fucked up, Andrew. was not putting a camera on those stairs. Oh, my God. Because that was my college 101. You told me a story that you're at the stall one night. And they call you at the house and they're like, hey, it's Michael Douglas.

He wants you to go do a movie. He wants you to go on the 4th of July and don't bring a jacket. And then you get smoking in the makeup chair. No, no. I'll give you that story. I know what you're doing. No, no. From the beginning, they call.

No, this is what happened. Okay. Princess Corey calls me and says... That's when... Who's Princess Corey? You don't want to know. What do you mean? No, no.

He's 27. He doesn't know Princess Corny. She used to be the talent coordinator. I'm so far. No, I know. Oh, no, I know. I'm helping them. The listeners.

She used to be the talent coordinator at the comedy store. Yeah, because you two are so high around now. And Lee is sleeping, I think. I don't know what he had to smoke. Fuck. But even if these colorful... lights weren't here, I'd be seeing him. Yeah.

Yeah, he doesn't smoke anything like light. I feel like I'm in a Dors video. I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not taking another hit of Joey Coco's pot. I'm sorry. He's so high right now. It's hysterical to look at. Me too. I'm out of my side. So wait, so Princess Corey calls you.

Talent coordinator at the comedy store and then go ahead. Okay. Tells me that this director, that Michael Douglas is looking for me. All right. So I call them up. I can't even believe him getting it. And, you know, I've already done, like, a bit in the business.

It's like 1990. It's 2000. It could be 2000. Yeah. It could be two thousand. Okay. So I go in and I read for the party. He goes, it's a formality.

I got no problem reading for the part. It's with you. You know, it's a Michael Douglas movie. It was called One Night of McCool's. So I get the fucking part, which I was thrilled to get. And now they send me. to meet wardrobe in the valley, which was cool. It was right over to Hill from Beverly Hills.

I went with Trini. They checked me out with makeup. And the makeup girl says to me, you're going to be in makeup about two hours a day because we put these tattoos on you. I go, you know, no problem, as long as I could smoke. And this is a long time ago already. And she goes, oh, well, there's no smoking in the trailer.

I go, well, there's no way I could sit for two hours and not have a cigarette. You know, so, you know, if we got to get our own little trail, let's just do that. But this was also a time where people were still like, if they didn't like dice, you know, they, you know, they would look to attack and I'm trying to be nice. Haters, big haters. So now I get another call in a few weeks and I'm sitting out at my pool. Let me lay it out for the people. I had a big mansion in Beverly Hills on. an acre and a quarter, which is like unreal.

I mean, I'm from Brooklyn. You know what I mean? I didn't grow up on an acre and a quarter of just grass. It was unreal. So I'm at the pool with my wife, Trini. People, you've got to understand, I'm all fucked up right now from Joey. If I'm telling you a little slow, it's because I'm all stoned out, okay? So anyway, the greatest part in the world, by the way, if you, Joey, you,

you should start selling the pot on the show. Oh, please. That's the next one. I would pay a lot of money for that. This is true. I'll be your dealer. So anyway, I get a call. We're sitting at the pool.

Max is a little baby. Dylan's a little baby. And I get a call. They want to see me in wardrobe and makeup. And I go, yeah, okay. I'm coming right over. And they go, no, we're all the way out. Like, they were like an hour away somewhere.

Oh, geez. And I'm going, are you fucking kidding me with this? I got to get in the car so you see how a shirt looks on me. You know, I'm sitting at a pool here. But I'm like, all right, I don't want to have a problem with Michael Douglas, right? So now I go, because I'm always making friends. I'm just always making fucking friends. So I drive all the way out there.

And again, you know, the makeup lady starts with me. Well, we're not going to be able to have your own trail. I go, then let's just sit the fuck outside. How does that sound? Well, you put the makeup on. We'll just sit outside. So now I get a call from Michael Douglas. And he gets me on the phone, and he goes, you know, I don't know what's going on.

You didn't start filming yet. And I go, yeah, what's the problem? He goes, well, I heard you antagonizing, you know, the makeup and the wardrobe women. And I go, they're starting with me. I'm the nicest guy in the world when I'm not on stage. You know, and they're starting with me, tell me what I'm going to do, how I'm going to do it. He goes, and he goes, you know, let me tell you something, Dice. He goes, I went to bat for you on this film.

I go, well, who the fuck asked you to? You know, I don't know you. You know what I mean? I'm glad you want me for your movie, but I didn't say, hey, you got to go to bat for me and tell people that you want me for this fucking movie. I go, and I didn't do nothing. I go, look, I go, Mikey. Mike?

No, he liked that. I think he liked it because he didn't say anything. You know, like I called Donald Trump, I call him Donnie. I'm the only one that calls him Donnie. So anyway, I go, look, Mikey, take it easy. I go, I'll straighten everything out when I come there. Don't worry. I got this covered.

And he goes, okay, because, you know, I really want you for this film, but, you know, I can't have, you know, anarchy on the set, you know. So this is what I do. You know, I would mix. I would make all these mixtapes. Oh, yeah. And the movie was called One Night at McCool's. So I make them the morning tape, which, as I told you earlier, it's sort of, we're doing a call back here.

It's all the Sinatra stuff. It's the McCool's morning tape that they could play in the trailer. Okay? All the Sinatra. Tony Bennett, Bobby Darren, Louis Prima, Liza Minnelli singing, and the world goes around and around and around. Okay. Now they got the McCools after lunch tape, meaning nighttime,

which is all the 70s disco leading to crazy house music. So I come in there not only with the tapes because I didn't know their setup, I buy them these giant fucking boom boxes that light up. All right? So we put on the music. And now here comes Matt Dillon. He's the star of the movie. And he shuts the tape.

He just comes into the trail and he puts on some fucking oddball shit. You know, like artsy. And I look at that. And I love the Dillans, both of them. You know, and Matt's the greatest. But I said, what are you doing? You know, he goes, no, I want to listen to this. I go, yeah, but who asked what you wanted?

Look what we were all doing. I go to six people in here. We're putting the fucking tape on. It took me hours to make that tape. I was going to ask, do you make the tape? Yes. What? What?

You made the tape? Yeah, I would take CDs and I had a mixing board. So I used two CDs. If you date them, we'll make you on too. Yeah. I got a couple of them. And I mix it. onto cassettes.

So it's like a real DJ. Okay? So bottom line is Matt really didn't give me a hard time because everybody's looking at him. You know? And I said, look at the boombox. I bought these fucking people.

It's beyond belief. You know, but I did decide at that time to fuck with Matt Dillon for the rest of the shooting of the film. And he did a movie. Oh, wait. I got to finish what happened. I will come back to Michael Douglas.

No, no, because that's the end now. So I get these boom boxes. I play the music for everybody. I straighten out fucking Matt. Because he knew, you know, I'm dice. That's it. You know, we're going to listen to what I want to listen to. And, but he's the coolest guy.

But I did keep questioning him about a scene in the movie, my bodyguard. It was a constant. Okay? He was a bodyguard. Remember the bodyguard? He did it like when he was like, no. When he was a kid. He was a kid, like 19 years old, whatever.

He did a movie, The Bodyguard. My Bodyguard. My Bodyguard, where he's like this tough guy, and he picked on this like nerdy kid, and the nerdy kid got this monster of a bodyguard. So then Matt Dillon gets his version of that guy. And what happened is Matt Dillon's bodyguard, you know, through this motorcycle in a lake

that the nerds bodyguard really took time like this old fucking bike, you know, motorcycle, and he threw it in the lake in the movie. So I come over to Matt Dillon, but, you know, I stay on it. And I go, Matt, let me ask you something. I go, you know the movie, my body god? I said, you know, you know the movie, my body god? Oh, no, I'm fucking.

I'm showing him Matt Dillon in the movie. We don't have to go to the internet. Okay. So you can see the Matt Dillon's face. You see, this is why I don't go out with you no more. I'm thrilled that we don't go out anymore. No, this is why, because when I'm doing something, you start doing something. Well, I'm trying to get to the point of the story.

I mean, you tell the story. You don't know the point. I do know the point. No, you know the movie. You know the movie. You know the movie. I know exactly. What the fuck I'm saying?

All right. You want to tell me. So the boom boxes are lighten up. No. No. He's going up to Matt Dillon. Wait a minute. So, so.

Hey, Mike. I say that I say, yeah. I know the show. I know the movie. I know you know the movie. So I go over to him and I go, you know that scene in my bodyguard where Mike throws the motorcycle in the, in the lake. And he goes, yeah.

And I go like, you know, like, what's up with that? He goes, what do you mean? What's up with that? I go, you know, they clearly weren't bothering you guys. You know, and you sent him over, and he just throws them over. I mean, this guy, just to find one part for this bike, took him like five years. Yes, that's right. And he goes, so what do you want to know?

I go, like, what's up with that? Why did you do that? And he goes, like the wires, like his wires in his mind were like, He goes, Dice, we're doing a movie together now. Like, what do you mean? What's up with it? I go, no, there'd be no reason. You know, you got your bodyguard.

The kid had his. And for no reason, this guy's going over and starting in. Like, why would he do that? 20 years later, 25 years. Dice, we're doing a movie now. He just fucking cracked them. Like, that's just cracking up. But you know who I really cracked this fucking stiff.

Yeah, you have to tell that. It is fucking stiff who was in the movie. I can't think of his name. And it's not about his talent. Paul. The fuck is his name. Paul? He had that sitcom.

What movie? Paul Reiser? Paul riser. Right. All right. So you knew him Paul before this. I know Paul since he started. You know, Paul, you know, good guy, great comic.

He's, you know, he's very, you know. He's fucking affected by, like, what he does. I don't know. It's the only way to say it. He's very serious. You know, so he's, you know, so he's very serious. So he's on the set, and at the time he was doing all these AT&T commercials. Okay.

No, like it was a huge deal for him. Giant, yeah. So in between the scene, you know, I'm sitting next to him at this bar in the scene. And I go, you know, that thing you're doing like with AT&T, that's like, that's a good deal you got going on there. Like, I wish I had that. He goes, no, it's really, it's very lucrative. You know, I go, so let me ask you something. when they like just like deliver crates, you know, like of these phones.

It's like a five-year-old. Like for your friends and everything. He's sitting with a five-year-old. And he goes, they don't give me extra phones. I go, you didn't put that in your deal? Like you get like a crate of phones for like your family and your friends. He goes, no, it's just a money deal. You know, I go, let me ask you this truthfully.

Because this is when there was also like, you know, the house phones were big too still. And I go, so what happens? Like, what do they got a guy? And like at AT&T, like when he sees your bill, he like makes it disappear when they're going through him? And he goes, what are you talking about? I go, you know, like when you send in like the check with, you know, the bill, like they must have your name up somewhere that when they see that,

they just like rip it up and, you know. He goes, no. I don't go, and I would have that, you know. Why would I pay for my phone? from helping them out, getting them customers. So now what Paul Reiser would do is when it was time not to be on the set, he'd never come out of his trail.

He didn't want to see me. You know, so I would, you know, at that time he liked smoking cigars. So I would like just bang on his dressing room door just to jolt him onto the trailer. Because I know he's like all chill inside with the cigar and I'm like, fuck. and I'm banging on the door.

And I'd actually run away, so he wouldn't. I bet unless he listens to his podcast, he never knew that was me. So now he's at home like, mother-off. So wait a minute. So now that I've made some friends on the set, the craziest part's coming. Because Max, my son Max,

and John Goodman's wife gave birth the same, Not my son, my Max didn't give birth. He was born. Trini gave birth to Max and John Goodman's wife gave birth to their daughter the same day. Okay. Now, I didn't know that. I come up, you know, Trini has the baby. They put you in like one of their, like, you know, hospital rooms for a few days.

Yeah. But I had all these armed security guards on Max, like ex-FBI, you know, because I was getting a lot of death threats at the time. of his career too. Yeah, it's when I was doing the arena so there were two guys where all the little babies are with the black suits on and you know like who to find and then there's two guys on Trini's bedroom because I had some serious

threats at the time. So I come walking down the hallway, you know and there's John Goodman standing outside, I guess, his wife's room and he sees me and he goes oh, now I get it. You know, now he

gets it. Like he didn't understand why they're all these, like they're carrying glocks these guys. It's newborn babies. Like, what's going on up here? You know, and that's how I meet John Goodman. Now, a few years later, actually, five years later, because it was going to be Max's fifth birthdays when I was doing the one night at McCool's. And he was the other star of the movie. And John Goodman's the greatest. He's one of the greatest actors of. He's just a great guy. But, you know, I could ruin anything. Wow. And so Max's fifth birthday, So we're making a big birthday party. So I say to John, I go, why don't you come over with your kid and your wife and whoever you want?

I'm making this giant fifth birthday party. And he goes, yeah, that sounds great, whatever. So he wasn't at the party. Okay. So, and that was no guarantees coming to the party. And I know that. But I love to, I can't help it. I need something to do on the set when I'm not filming.

So I see John Goodman And I sort of give him a little attitude I go yeah how you doing you know And he goes no good you're right I go nah you know I don't want to say nothing You know Remember

We were going to share the birthday parties And he goes No dice I said maybe we'll come by You know I said everybody I had over 100 people there Everybody was waiting for you

Even the Batman I hired hung out. And the Power Ranger hung out because John Goodman's coming. I mean, well, the celebrities there, you know, but the point is, your daughter's five, Max is five, and, you know, all standing around, quitting the last thumbs,

waiting for you, and you just say, fuck you, Dice. Oh. Fuck you, fuck your family. And he's looking at me going, I'm not that kind of man. If I told you, I was going, it was like in passing conversation.

Like, did I take your address? he says. You know, I go, it's not the point. The point is you said you're going to be there. And now he's looking at me. I think the guy's like, you know, he's starting to get heated up. And he's like, well, look, if I make plans to do something, I go through with those plans. But we didn't make definite plans.

I go, you know what? Matt was right next to me. Should I go get him? He's go, Matt Dillon? I go, the guy felt like he was on fucking trial getting his morning coffee. you know and then I look at him and I go I'm just fucking around how you doing everything good is this like first thing Monday morning yes immediate how did you get seven in the morning

that film and do so well well I had like because I played two characters and the second one try to kill everybody with a machine go you yeah yeah yeah that scene yeah yeah that was a good scene so anyway with Michael Douglas when he shows up on the set because of the boom boxes and the tapes all of a sudden he's got to his hands over my eyes. And he's like, guess who? That's happened twice in my career with the guess who. One was Travolta. One was Michael Douglas. So he goes, guess who? And he goes, what has happened on the set? He goes, people are more excited about you being on this set than Matt Dillon. Look, what happened? Everybody's turned around. I said, I told you, it's all going to be good. I got the disco tapes. I got everything. You know what I mean? I get the boom boxes. I know how to come to a set. I go, it was just that makeup girl. Go, go straight and her out. So me and Michael get kind of tight, right? So we're after the movie.

He's going to take Katrin. Oh. What? That Catherine Zeta Jones. Yeah, you're right. To Europe for her birthday. Oh, yeah. So I'm smart.

You know, I like the guy. I want her to have a great birthday. So I make him birthday tapes for her. He does make a hell of a tape. No, wait a minute. I make a birthday tapes. Then I go to a sex shop. I figure I'll do a little shopping for them.

You know, and I buy her this hot fucking number. I know how she looked in it. Every fucking detail. That's the worst thing you can do to buy lingerie for their wife or birthday. Yeah, but this wasn't normal lingerie. This was no victorious secrets of Fredericks. This is the real deal. This is me going the street.

I understand what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? You don't think that's offensive, like to buy a woman? Did you ever see her? Yeah, we all did Yeah She's hot Exactly

So what am I gonna get A robe A Terry cloth robe I got her You're okay with this If somebody bought Terry lingerie You'd be like Oh thanks

Hey Terry go put that on You know what He's so high He's loving the story Can you let the man love the story All right fine Go ahead All right

You're buying her So I find her This hot fucking number I could just see Like how her ass cheeks Would stick out because it's in movies. Appropriate.

You know, I studied her a little. And like that one she did, like, was it not cabaret? Chicago. Chicago. So I saw her in some outfits, I'm going, all right, I tits. They're not the biggest thing in the world, but I can make them look great. You know what I mean? They're nice.

They're normal. They're regular big tits. They're not like, you know, kettleball tits or anything like that. That you're looking go, what the fuck is that? It's an actual human telling a story, by the way. We're fucking these big, all fucking tits banging between your head. You know what I mean?

So I get it in negligee. And then I pick them up, you know, some like, you know, the best lobe in the world. It's the kind of loob that if you put a little on your fingers, it'll be on there 10 years from now. It doesn't dry. It doesn't believe in getting dry. This is true.

I still have some. Yeah. I'm not going to say the name of it unless they want to pay me a million fucking dollars, but I call it silk. But that's not the name of it. Because that's what it feels like, okay? So I get him that. I throw a toy or two in just to, you know, make the box look right.

A couple things that, you know, vibrate a little. But stuff, like, he can't go into this place and get it. So I figured that's like, give him the box to give her, right? So now I'm watching TV, okay? Not even kidding. And it's like one of the entertainment shows, like entertainment, tonight and they're showing her birthday party in a disco in Europe with Sean Connery and Michael Douglas is talking about how they're playing Dice's disco tapes.

That's what's being played in this discotheque. Because I really blend them and mix them. And then I get a call from Mikey saying it was the greatest fucking birthday she's ever had. I go, tell me, you got to tell me how'd the outfit. Look, he goes, it fit perfect. I go, and the other thing I put in there, the silk, and he knew exactly what it was to, he goes, you got to tell me where to get,

it's, I told him like, where to get it. Yeah, I go, but, you know, I don't know if you should go in there, so you call me and I'll get you like a dozen bottles, whatever. A dozen bottles? And that was the end of one night at the cools. Because it makes sense for him to go in there. No, let me ask you something, man. But I love that guy, you know.

Did you ever fucking think, like you told me once that you started out as a Travolta impersonated? Yeah. Did you ever think, like now, you have your own show and showtime, all that's surpassed? Did you fucking ever think this all started with your dad driving you to fucking be Travolta at some roller skating rinkas out? No, Pips is where I started. Pips Comedy Club. The Jerry Lewis into Travolta. Honestly, I just got to tell you the truth.

I believed I was going to be as big as I became. Really? From the very beginning. That was not a hair of a doubt what I was meant to do. It's more of a spiritual thing in me that I knew from really young. And this time around is, like, I mean, that was insane. You know, the arena days, like I was telling the Flying Jew over here. Tell them, because there's a lot of,

of people who are young. Yeah, you're allowed to talk, right? Of course I'm allowed to talk. But what does that mean? No, I'm not... He is allowed to talk. No, you're a good guy and he interviews as well. Occasionally.

He's the man of... I like him a lot. I love him. I want to hear Lee's question, but then I want to... It's not a question, but it was just... Because I asked Joey, we were talking before the show, and I said, could you compare him to anyone now, just like, big, like, celebrity-wise? Because we were watching the Dice...

Well, no, I thought you meant stand-up-wise, and I didn't want to give you the wrong figure. He had said the figure on JRE, and I just didn't remember, and I didn't have time to he was coming. I didn't want him to show up, and we'll look at his numbers up or whatever. Oh, okay. So I wanted to, for Lee to know, I wanted Lee to understand. Lee, what year were you born?

88. Ew. I mean, that was, all right. The Rodney Dangerfield Special I was on that blew me through the roof. and February 13th, sadly February 13th, 1988. When's your birthday? July 20th, that wasn't a lot yet.

So you weren't even born yet. But I knew what that special was going to do because I was really prepared for it. You know, it's like, I've never been the guy when you tell me you're going to give me an opportunity. I mean, I build it in my head and I take it to a certain level that there's no

stone left unturned. So when I got the Rodney special and I'll never forget getting it because I went on at the comedy store to showcase room and then you know you want to hear from him did I get it? Didn't I get the special? Because his specials made like Kenneson and Seinfeld and Roseanne

and all these big time comics you know and so when I showcased I came over to Rodney who you can't get a straight answer from. And I'm going, so Rodney, what do you think? You're wild, man, okay. And I'm going, no, but did you like it?

You know, you're all right, man, okay. Funny, you know. And I go, yeah, and I'm following, so now I wait. I don't want to bust his balls. But it did get to the point where I said, hey, Rodney, you got to tell me, am I on the show? Do I got the show? And he goes, you're going to be great, man, okay.

You're going to be great. So I get ready for this fucking thing. Like I'm going for the heavyweight championship. I'm doing physical training on top of going on every night at the store. I didn't care if it was a packed house. I didn't care if there were two fucking people in the room. I wouldn't care if the room was empty. Just that I could practice because the one thing I knew was anybody being filmed,

getting a shot of a lifetime's going to be a little nervous. I'm going to be a little nervous. So I don't want to worry about the jokes. I don't want to even think about the. material, all I want to think about is the performance what people are seeing in their houses. And I knew the first night. So when I got dressed, now I do the Rodney show. We stay at the Regency in New York.

And I was with Trini. And I put on the whole outfit I wore with this giant fucking Holly Davidson buckle, the glasses, everything. And I said to Trini, you meet me at the club. I want to walk the street and feel it. I'm going to walk there. Let me tell you something. When I walk down in that fucking hotel, you could feel people looking.

You know, it was like a fucking superhero coming down. The buckle is the size of my license plate on my car. Okay? The glasses are bigger than my head, whatever. So I come walking into Dangerfields, and they're just setting up, and Rodney's there, and he comes over, and he goes, how you feel him, man?

You know, and I look at him, I go, tonight they get disciplined. tonight, Rodney, they pay. And he looks at me and he goes, okay, man, they're going to be disciplined, okay. You're not mad at anything, oh, yeah. You know, he goes, and he just kept repeated. They're going to pay tonight, okay, I got that, you know.

And I knew after the first show, and it was funny because, you know, Barry Sobel was on that special. Oh, yeah. And he tried to wear a motorcycle. Right. That's right. You know, and Rodney goes over to him, and he goes, what are you wearing tonight, man? And Barry's like, yeah, I'm going to wear this.

He goes, if you're going to wear that, you're not going to be on the show, okay? Go get your baseball jacket. You know, Dice wears the leather, you know. And Sobel's like all day, like, he's just going to slaughter, you know, and I'm like, so fucking. I just want the camera on. I just want to introduce the world to Dice, and it's exactly what I did. and the show aired like I said February 13th 88 and within months I was on sale

at my first arena was Nassau Coliseum which is 18,000 seats my agent who is a rock and roll agent Dennis Offer you know handles Billy Joel to this day Metallic or all these giant rock but even he was like why do you think you could sell he goes Billy Joe

sells how about Nassau College. Because I called him up. I said, what's a play? I did 1,500 seats in Manhattan, a place called Town Hall. No, I call him. And I go, what's a place like Madison Square Garden, but not the garden? And he's going, well, you got Nassau Coliseum out in Long Island, but Billy does that.

Comics don't do that. And I go, well, why not? He goes, you just did 1,500 seats. Why would you think you could do 18,000? But anyway, he gets Rondell. one of the biggest promoters the world's ever seen to do it. You know, without putting any money down on me, he goes, you know, I'll give you guys 90% of the door. You know, because he wasn't good.

You know, a guy did me with 1,500 seats. I'm talking about 18,000. We sold out in 43 minutes. Jesus. Gone. How did you, how did you promote it? I just, just a big ad in the newspaper. There was no internet.

There was no tweeting. So no radio? No, you didn't do. No, radio. Okay. But I'm saying, like today, it's all with the Twitter and Facebook and I don't follow anybody. You know, they just followed me into the arenas because they never saw anything like it. I never saw anything like it other than in rock or roll with Elvis.

That's how I learned stand-up by watching Elvis and watching him perform and other great people like that. Like, you know, in drummers it was Buddy Rich, it was Gene Kruper. you know, and then it was actually Ringo Starr to turn me onto the drums, and then I got into those guys. What is your first thought when you just first year, you sold out 18,000 seats in 43 minutes? Yeah, that's crazy. Well, I was in Vegas at the Hilton doing, like,

I had to do like a show for a video company that was going to put my video out because we made a deal ready for my special, which was the Dice Man Comet. And so I was in the Hilton hotel room. Oh, this is going to sound funny, sleeping in the same bed with my buddy hot tub Johnny. That's a sound good.

Because we had to be there for the one night, so they gave me the suite. So we had like a pajama party. And the phone rings. This is hysterical. And Johnny picks it up, and it's my agent Dennis. And Johnny's like, yeah, hello. Oh, you know, oh, hold on, Dennis.

He's right next to me. And I'm looking at him like, you fuck, what do you mean I'm right next to you? We're in bed. We're in a king-sized bed, you know. So Dennis tells me, you sold out, man, 48 minutes or 43 minutes, whatever it was. And that's when we now just went on tour, the Dice Rules tour, which was a 26th city arena tour, which sold out in, I don't know, a couple of hours. every tour

would saw out in a couple hours It's crazy It was the craziest thing I ever went through in my life Because of what happened with the press That they came after me Like I was an ex-con or something Not a comic

It was the most ridiculous thing I couldn't even fight it Because I'm like, what is this? You know, so I'm trying to entertain the fans And you got the press You know, calling it the comedy of hate And I'm going, it's anything but hate It's the comedy of

how much I love pussy really. And I did some gay jokes that weren't gay bashing. It was just that time in America where gays were coming out of the closet. So it was a funny subject matter. Like today they call it like cross-gender. You know what I mean? Transgender. But I would, you know, back then, I'd call them trans testicles.

Right. I go, you meet the girl your dreams. You're whiny, you're dining. You put your hand up a skirt. You're holding a tree trunk. What do you do then? You know, it was just a joke, you know, when I would talk about bisexuals. I go, what do you do?

Wake up in the morning, flip a coin, heads I want, hair, pie, tails, balls across the nose. They were just funny jokes, you know, but because it was that time, like Ellen came out in the closet at that time. So, so it was very, it was a very sensitive time. So everything I did was put under a microscope, you know, but I wouldn't bend. Why would I fucking bend? You know what I mean? I'm entertaining.

I entertained over 12 million people in arena shows. That's a big deal to make people laugh like that. It's a big number. And, you know, it was a crazy time, but I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I'm the first, the original. You know, and there have been a few guys that, you know, people always bring up Madison Square Garden. And so first, and that's a big deal,

because it's the most famous arena in the world. But I go, what about the other 299? You know what I mean? What about the other 12 million people? You know, but the garden was a spectacular. It was complete pressure on me because it wasn't just that I did two shows. They were also filming it for a movie. So it was the stress and pressure of making the garden,

like I've been there a hundred times, only I wasn't, you know, into a movie, you know, an actual concert film. I mean, Eddie Murphy did which one, not in the main room of the garden, he did the paramount, which was like 6,200 seats. Right. I'm doing 18,000 people. And even Eddie Murphy would ask, like, how that, you know, he was always a fan. He was, he's one of the greatest ever.

And he would go, how do you sell out 20,000 seats tonight? I go, what do your movies? Make 400 million. I'll switch. You know, I don't got a problem switching. But I studied bigger than life performers. And, like, the attitude I have on stage, just to tell you something, like, I told you how I studied Elvis, right?

King of rock and roll, leather. Right? Then you had guys in film, you know, like James Dean and Malam Brando, and then when I got a little old, it was Travolta and Stallone, you know, but, you know, that image was done on TV with Henry Winkler, playing the Fonz, but that image, that bigger-than-life attitude image was never done as a comic. And because I liked acting, you know, I would use the comedy store. I just wanted to develop my acting chops.

I didn't even care about stand-up. You know, and the dice thing took off. It was fucking nuts. You know, but to me, it's like acting. It's just playing, you know, I don't walk around with 9,000 rhinestones on, but on stage I'll wear it because I know they're not going to see their neighbor in that. You're not the guy next door. You know, and I just wanted to create a bigger-than-lawful.

persona, a comedic hero for people to really laugh. The people that got the joke, that it's so ridiculous, there's so many loopholes in every joke. I don't write down material. I don't work on it. I go on bare and bits develop over time, but it's organic. You know, my rehearsals for my shows are when I actually do the concert, because I don't know what's going to happen.

You're like that, too, Joe. You go up there and destroy people. I'll find a guy, and I always name him, Joey, and I just dig into his life. And all this shit comes out. You know, like, if I'm dealing with a guy, let's say, it's married 37 years. Right?

I see what the wife looks like sitting next to him. Just fucking awful. It's nearly four decades. And through the show, I find out about this guy, and I find out about how, you know, he's never had an affair in his life. And the guy's like 70-something. And I look at the guy and I'll sit down because I get to like know these guys through the show. And I go, you know, Joey, but not Joey Coco, the Joey in the audience.

I go, you know, we've been talking for a while and I really love you. I mean, like family. You don't even know what you mean to me. I wish, like maybe we were hanging out for the last 30 years. I love you more than my own brother. I would kill my brother for you. That's what I would do. I go, but because I love you and because of what we're talking about,

I mean, some of the things I tell you, you're not going to like too much. In a lot of ways, Joey, I'll tell him you hate yourself. That's what I gather from this little meeting we've had here. And I feel like the audience feels the same way. And you just see the guy's wife shaking a head like, no, he doesn't. It could be their anniversary. And Joey's just startled. Just looking at me going, like, I'll get guys going, I don't hate myself.

Oh, really? Am I the one married? I've been married 37 years. But to different ones. I break it down. I give one seven. I give one ten. I don't do the whole stretch with the same fucking thing night after night.

No matter how many fucking lava lights I got in my room, they've already heard every playlist I got after, you know, four, five fucking years, what are you going to do with it? You've got to trade around, like a baseball card, like when we were kids. And then you want to sit here and tell me, you don't hate yourself,

and in 37 years, never had a fucking affair, never even got jerked off in a closet at work in the pencil room. The pencil room. Whatever the fuck they got in a real office building. You want to tell me that you love your, that you're willing to go to your grave and the only thing. And I go, nothing against you, ma'am.

I'm sure when you were 23, you were the hottest thing on fucking earth. You know. But today. But, you know, you look in the mirror every morning just like everybody. And that's what he's still got to fuck. Do you think he loves himself when he's got to bang you? When he's got to look at you again, 37 years, break it down. What?

How many times a week? How many times? out of the year, blow jobs, banging, jerked off, fuck her in the kitchen while she's doing a dish, draw her back at the dish. Where's that romance, Joey? Where's the romance of fucking her on your countertop? Caddy cornered. The same countertop that maybe people will be at 24 hours later for Thanksgiving dipping like chips and chip. And you know what you did to that filthy animal. You know, I get into their head. So romantic. Oh, well, the whole act is romance. Pretty much. I was going to say, do you do a lot of Valentine's Day shows?

I got to ask you two questions real quick. Yeah, it doesn't know where you want. What was the release date of the Dice Man Comet? And that was taped in Philadelphia, correct? That was New Year's. The Rodney Special aired February 88. Let me get a pen. You got a pen over there because I've got to figure this out here.

I put the pencil closet. You got to get in there. So the Specialer, Rodney Specialist, Saturday. February 13th, 88. Okay. And then my special add New Year's Eve at midnight,

88 going into 89. Like at midnight. Wow. So how many months later was that? Nine. I love to be, what are we figuring out? Time frame. Nine or ten.

Then give me when did... I love time frame. Like I'm being questioned. When did Ford Fair Lane come out? What was the release date? That was July 90. Jesus Christ. Wow. I was still in the fucking halfway house.

I'm just figuring out. Yeah, I'm going to figure out. I'll give me the answers. I'm going to blow your fucking mind. MTV situation. That was also, that was 89. Oh. When I got banned for life.

I couldn't tell you the month, though. Okay, so New Year's, when his special gets released, I'm locked up. I don't know who. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you've told me. Go ahead. No, no, I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. I'm in a fucking age unit. Yeah. That's why I celebrated New Year's Eve at the camp because they had kitchen and drinks and food and everybody that was cool.

Oh, right. HIV. There's only four guys with HIV. But they had cable TV, the whole, the government had to do a whole thing for them. Yeah. So I don't know nothing. I get out. I'm in a halfway house. And the dude from Jersey, my roommate, older than me, keep. tells me you gotta see this guy dice I'm gonna fucking half my hands I don't have time for no fucking dice is only gonna get me in trouble yeah I'm gonna

you know it sounds like trouble he always was a big stand-up guy he took me to see the guy from Boston this is very interesting he took me to see the deadpan guy oh Stephen Wright yeah Stephen right one year he won tickets from a radio show and then a year later he takes me again and this is weird I'm with the same guy and we walk out, and he goes, what did you think? I go, it was great, but he said the same fucking jokes

as last year. And I remember walking across the street and I'm going, if I was ever a stand-up family, I would change my material up a lot. Like at this time, I'm not even, Andrew, I'm not even thinking about doing stand-up. This is something that's,

I listen to Richard Pryor and Belser, not Belzer, the other guy, David Brenner, and Cheiko and the man, and, you know, whatever. And then all of a sudden, I get locked up. I come out and he's my sort of my room.

I had lived there before I got locked up. And he's telling me about this dice character. I'm going on a lot of time for this shit. We can stop? I got to go. I'm going to move. I'm lying to these people. I'm supposed to be at a fucking car dealership selling cars with a suit on.

I'm slinging Coke with a fucking car. Yeah. With a pager. They call and they're like, where are you? They couldn't get. I had a special permit from the court saying that I could leave. I didn't have to be at a search. Like most people go to a job job.

Oh, yeah. Not me. I had a garage, but if you went there, it said, come again, have a good day. No, I'll bless my own. Yeah, and I would have my car. And I'd go to people's houses and I hang out and watch TV. And one day he convinced me. He goes, just sit, just watch.

And all of a sudden, you know, the fucking thing, and I'm watching. And he's sucking me in. I'm watching. I'm like, okay. And 10 minutes in, like, you know, like I had to go, but I didn't have to. That was it. I was hypnotized on the stand-up comedian, his material. And once the fucking material came up about, he came up to me at the airport.

If I wanted to buy a thing, a plant, yes, so I could stick it up your ass or something. I lost it. It was like, that's it. That was my breaking point. Like, I knew I could do this. What this guy was saying, this is what I'm thinking as I walk around. I have this sound. You mean the things people think?

I have a lot that don't sell. I'm my only child, Andrew. So as I'm walking up to you, I'm like, look at this fucking moot. In the back of my head, you know what I'm saying? I got my own dialogue, but it's real. Like, it's fucking real. Like, it fucking torments me. It torments people.

So I watched the first 26 minutes, maybe 24 minutes, and I said, I got to take the tape. Oh. I got to take this. I'm going to take it out of the house. He's like, I really don't want you to take it out of the house. This guy's like my best. brother at the time. He was there when I got sentenced. I don't want you to take it out of the house.

I can't take it out of the house. But these are hard commodities to get. So I had a cut a deal. Now I'm in the halfway house. Cut a deal. So I'm in a halfway house. February of 89. I finally watched the dice tape, maybe May of 89. They cut me loose,

but I come up positive for cocaine from weighing it. Okay. And they put me back in the halfway house. Now, this is where it gets. Now, I have watched this special. At this point, I know it backwards and frontwards. Right. I could turn it off and fucking write the fucking thing out.

I went to the half-way house, and I go, what the fuck are you guys going to do New Year's Eve? And they go, oh, we don't know. We're sitting in the rooms. We all got to be in by 8 o'clock. I go, well, listen, what if I rent the room and get Chinese food brought into this motherfucker? And we watch Andrew Diceclay. I remember these guys were like, yeah, yeah, but the girls were like, I don't know. They were, like, females in it.

This is the same chicks that I would knock on their door. They'd open up the door. I'd give her coke and she dropped, sucked my dick right at the door. I'd be the lookout for myself when she was sucking my dick. And then she locked the door, like, just slammed the door and I'd walk away. Here's the same girl, like, I don't know if I want to watch that. I heard he's pretty dirty. New Year's Eve, I had maybe, it started with like nine people in there.

But before I knew it, there was maybe 40 people in there. Wow. And we watched the whole special. And I remember, like, going to bed, not doing drugs, not wanting to do drugs. Wow. Not wanting to do anything. Pretty much that I knew that. Once I got out of here, I had to try this stand-up comedy.

You know, since we've been doing the show for fucking years, people always, you know, people always stop me at every club I go to. Somebody goes, listen, you, you know, listening to Lee, you inspire us to do this, so to go back to school. Yeah. It's the same thing with Andrew. If I wouldn't have seen Andrew, Andrew, Andrew pushed me over the cliff. Like, that was it.

And then I brought the tape home. My wife was the widest chick in the world. in those days. Now, I came out of prison, and she was on, she was like the mother. Okay. She became a dead mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She wasn't my wife anymore.

Right. I remember putting Andrew down to live and sit down. And after like three minutes, she's like, no, I'm not watching this. That was the beginning of our divorce. Like, that was it. You're smart. That was it. Like, in a subconscious way.

Yeah. In a very subconscious way, I knew that this is it. This is my dream. She's not going to squash her dream? I'm about, I made her dry, to the Comedy Works, and I got on stage, and this July 18th will be 25 years. Wow. And, yeah, and then, like, I go up to the Comedy Store.

I become a regular. I'm up there. You know, Eddie Griffin's bumping, motherfuckers. Eleanor's up there giving orders. You know, people old being in the back, those fucking Jamokes, the kid that from Tennessee. But all of a son Andrew Dice Clay started to come up there, and I wouldn't really say much, and it was hysterical. He always came.

Because I'm going to tell you how I fucking knew. Listen, I always smell trouble. I could smell trouble. I made enough trouble. Right. When I see something, I just make a mental note. Check that. And I just walk away.

It's got nothing to do with me. Luca Polanka shows up, who I love Dealing. But he does a bit, and he would go in his jacket at that time, take a fucking barbecue, light a out. Yeah, I know. He had a cigarette on stage. And I remember deep down inside, but I would have been sick. I'm a hit man from Brooklyn.

And, you know, he would wear a leather jacket. And it was cute for a while. And, but when he'd take the lighter out, I knew it was going to be a problem. Yeah. Yeah. And then Marino showed up. Oh. And Marino started doing his thing.

And I'll never forget this. And one night, Dice is up there. Usually Dice was always up there with his cousin or a fucking manager or once in a while, the wife. This night he's alone and he's fucking proud. He's proud. He doesn't have a heavy jacket on. He's by himself. I had never said a word to him. Six, seven months go by. I don't say two words of this gentleman. I don't need to say anything to him in my world. No pictures, no selfies, no talk to my brother. I want nothing. I didn't say a word to this guy. I would watch him. I would watch him at night. I would watch him go on stage. I would watch him. I would watch him.

Watch them. Just everything about him. Watch them. That's how you learn. You shut your mouth and you watch. And yeah, I had Coke. I was going to go get a package of two from Chewy. I ain't going to lie to nobody.

But for right now, even though he doesn't know what I'm watching him. Yeah. And I know there's something right. And both of those guys are going to line up that night. And Scott Day is lurking. Ew. And Scott Day comes out. It's about 1130.

Okay. And Scott Day, by that time, he would put away a bottle of tequila. the sleep one off and come back out. I gave him a bottle of tequila one time. That motherhood came back. That's how you got spots. That's how you got spots. On Monday, you bring him nice tequila,

bam, five spots. He comes out, and right there, I see Dyson and having a conversation, but it's kind of getting a little heated on Dice's angle. And what the conversation was about, wasn't about theft. It was about persona. And I knew it was going to come up.

Like, I had seen it. I'd seen it on the veil. But Andrew had not seen me at the time. Yeah, I didn't know you. I'm already doing dice. I'm doing the core. Is Andrew Dice Clay? You know, some people go to Taekwondo.

Some people go to karate. Some people go to Jiu-Jitsu. My martial at that time was Andrew Dice Clay, but you're trying to blossom out of that. Yeah. But the bottom, you just said the key, though. The key, what was it? That's right. Blossom out of them.

You could be influenced by, I told you a bunch of my influence. Oh, yes. But I'm not doing them. Right. You become an original. You become an original. Yeah, and so I love what you're even saying, that I influenced you like that as a big deal to me.

Whenever a comic tells me or anybody tells me, even actors, you know, when I work with Bobby Connaval recently in vinyl, told me what I meant to him, told me how he was at the garden, you know, when he was a kid and I was on stage, you know, told me how he, like, he'll take things from me and turn it into Bobby Conavowal. He told me all this. and look at him, one of the great actors now.

But he's an original, he's himself. He's not being somebody where you go, what's this guy doing dice or any actor or any com. You want to be known for who you are, what you created, because a lot of times, Joey, even if you take on anybody's persona and you act, like I used to see a guy that tried to act like let him in all the time. Oh, yeah.

This fucking jerk off. Shut up. There was a lot of them, but there was one specific. Yeah. So anyway, it's hard enough to make it. It's hard enough to make it in the business, right? But let's say you fail. You don't want to fail 15 years later going,

I've been doing somebody else for 15 years. What if I was just doing me? Maybe it would have been a different story. Because once somebody does something, you know, once I became what I became in the world of comedy, it's not going to be another guy like that. That guy's never going to look There were so many singers that came after Elvis

Especially when he was in the army Look like him sounded like him And you never heard of him They put out a record but nobody heard of him And then Elvis came back And it was Elvis again Tons of them Tons of bands that came out

Try to be Led Zeppelin let's say Never heard of them Because we already got Led Zeppelin We already got Elvis We already got Elvis We already got dice. You know, so why would I do a special with you when we got dice? You're an impersonator of that.

You got to be in a written. That's what you did. You used the influence. You win the influence, you know, and you turned into Joe Diaz, the comic. Yeah. Like I've seen you a hundred times on stage. I never think dice. Ever.

Even from the beginning, I don't think I think. I mean, you're as, you're as ballsy as could be. You're as loud as can be. Maybe that's what you mean. But your personality shines on stage. And that's what I've always seen, even from day one. Even if you felt an influence, all my influence did for you is give you the opportunity to say all the things that were in your head out loud.

Or twist your reality and make it, you know, your stage persona. That's all you do. Any good comedy, any good comic, any great comic comes from truth in their own world, their own life. You don't have to talk about your life, but you're going to take things, even when I talk about sex, like I was telling you about my bedroom and the lava land.

So I will take it and make it a cartoon for them to make them laugh at what they do to each other because people put so much upon sex, especially today. I'm just laughing, Andrew. I want you to laugh. A Sunday night at the store one night.

Oh, please. And these three little Asian dudes sat at state. right if you're on stage face of Mitzis chin. Right. They're over here. And Andrew goes up there and he's fucking throwing, you know, bombs and sucking dick and people laughing. And all this thing, looks so funny this three fucking Chinese guys.

And I don't know what the... I remember one line was, you know, that if I eat your father's, because he goes, what's your father on the restaurant? The guy goes, yeah, that's it. That's it. They just fucking threw gasoline on that line. Yeah. Like a softball.

They loved it up. Oh, my God. Dice was like, what the fuck. He hit them out of the park. I'm going to eat your food and shit blood for three weeks. I'm going to go to your restaurant. Look, your fortune cookie. That's what it was. I'm going to open up the fortune cookie.

He said he's going to hit blood for three weeks. But the best was in Vegas. There was a table for the gay guys. And he's fucking going off on this stuff. And he's talking about it in Vegas. They're going to build a casino. And it's going to be shaped. Oh, I don't know.

I forgot that. You remember that bit? Like a big dog dick. No, no, 20 minutes. It's going to shoot cum. No, Hotel Casino Cock. And Fagg's going to be in the bottom going, Anna, na, na, na, na, na.

That would be the big hotel cock. It opened up and the potato juice would shoot out. Hotel Casino Cock. That's so silly. Because of all the themes in Vegas. You know, some of the best. It's still a good idea, by the way. What I said, the jacuzzi look like?

I can't remember. All the shrubbery was black. This is where it's really going to get fucked up. Like, I learned so many lessons sitting like three chairs down from Mitzis. Oh, God. Just sitting there watching Andrew go off at night and Paul Mooney. Like, just to, I came home last week. And at breakfast, I told my wife, and I got to tell you something, at 53 years old,

I can't tell you how honored I am that I'm still fine. fucking lurking down there. Even if it's twice a week, that's all I need. Just to let me know. You're still in that crazy mix. People, Adam, always says, why don't you go on for more spots? I goes, because I still remember coming down here. And there was those 40, 50-year-olds that were down here, bitching about Mitzi and I

giving them spots and lurking and signing up on the-angry. Angry. And I go, I don't want to be that guy. I want to come down here. I have a great time. Every time I want to come down here, as I'm coming down in Laurel Canyon, I'm even listen to music. Yeah.

I'm thinking about like this fucking thing. Listen, if it wasn't for the comedy, I had nothing. Like, the comedy store was my son's anarchy. Like,

that was it. Once I got a taste that darkness and that, you know, you're fucking in there. And all of a sudden, he is the guy

that influence you. And those lessons, like still, some nights from a little fucked up about stand-up, I know what it is. Yeah.

I got to go to the back of the comedy store. I smoke one of these. Mm-hmm. I get stoked where you just watch the comic and get sucked into his world. And you fucking either die inside or it makes you want to go home and fucking open up that notebook and a pot of coffee. I have seen Ari, which is one of my favorite things, come in high on shrooms and just sit in the potluck section in the back of the original room. That's the learning.

And watch, like, open mic or something. And he'll be like, like, all just messed up inside himself watching, taking it in. Taking it in. It's like it takes him down. But at the same time, it's like he knows where he's not. What an education I have gotten with my life. I never. Every morning I get out of my clean the cat with the boxes.

I fucking smoke a number. I make coffee. I wash my pussy. After everything's get going. Before I walk the baby to school, I sit down and I just write about what the fuck I got to do. And at the end of that, I always go, I can't believe I did something with my life. Right.

That's it. That's it about that. That's it. Just did something in my life. That's it. And it all came down to that fucking comedy store. That was my church. That was it.

That's it. That's it. Him, he would be there every single night. I waited at table's there for 12 years and he was there almost every night. And that was during, I started in 93. He was still one of the hottest. If he wasn't on the road, he was at the store. Whether he was hanging with his wife, his friends, you know.

I do a show, a concert at the L.A. Forum. Okay? At the end of the show, I did some music. I like to, you know, play drums. I do the Elvis thing. Oh, yeah. At the forum, slash from Guns and Roses, Duff McCagan from Guns and Roses.

Come on stage with the band I had from Brooklyn. We rehearsed in the afternoon. We did Elvis together. and then we did Santana Soul Sacrifice where I play a big drum solo and Slash plays like the meanest fucking guitar solo and he's going back and forth with my buddy from Brooklyn and these guys couldn't believe they're on stage

with Guns and Roses. But Guns and Roses didn't even do the L.A. Forum yet. Like when they showed up to rehearse, they were like, we've never done this yet. You know what I mean? Like they couldn't even believe it. But my whole point is, you know where I was after the L.A. Forum?

I could have went to any club, any restaurant, any disco, whatever. I'm on the backsteps of the fucking comedy store. An hour later. Like, it never happened. Because that's what I like to do. It's humbling. Like, you know, wheels will always say to me, he goes, you know, it's amazing what you've done in your life and that you went through that whole down period. And now you're all the way back up there again.

He goes, but I don't even know why you do it because there's nothing. you really want to do. Like, you know, like when he'd see me at the back of the comedy store, I'd be like, why are you here? Like, if I was making it like you, I'd be in the fanciest fucking restaurants, you know, with 10 people serving.

He goes, you just want to sit on the back stairs. I go, I didn't make it so I could go to restaurants. I go, it's about what you just said, Joe, accomplishment, that you did something with your life. You know, and, you know, like when I was with Eleanor, Those were really bad times, career-wise. Okay, thank you. And plus, no, I don't mean.

The way you said it, I mean, honestly. Jesus. It was awful when I was with titless over here. Striped on a cross. You motherfucker. Good old pin tits over here. Keep me happy. Yeah, fucking tic tics over here.

Let me explain something. What I just said, that's what it sounded like. You know what you mean, though. Yeah. No, let me clarify this. bullshit. You know, when I was with Eleanor, it was like the worst time in my life, but not because of Eleanor. I was

obviously going through divorce. The career was down in the fucking toilet. I didn't know which way to turn. You know, but how could I make this shittier? I'll date Eleanor. No, no, no, but Eleanor had nothing to do with it. That's what I'm making the point of saying. But I wouldn't bend. I would like persevere and look for all different ways, but also it was about bringing up my sons. Yeah.

You know, so I really didn't give a shit that much about the career. I just cared about making money to pay my monthly nut. You know, so I would. I'd go through the clubs or whatever little theaters would have me. That's how it went. But my thing,

and this is good for you too, was always about Max and Dylan when that happened. Because my thing is about teaching kids by example. You know, And I would tell them, I say, where do I step on the gas pedal again? You're going to see something you've never seen in your life. And that's what they've been watching, now that at 21 and 25. And over the last six years, what they saw me do,

and they're doing it for themselves with their band Still Rebel. But if I didn't do something, they'd be doing nothing. Because that would mean I didn't teach them. I didn't take on the responsibility. All I cared about was, getting another movie, getting a pilot, fuck that shit. If he let it affect you. So you got a kid.

So that's your reason. No, this is my deal. This is my deal with the kid. The kid comes first. That's right. Right now, but I'm saying to teach the kid. Oh, absolutely. Like you were talking about being in prison,

now you've got millions of people listening to you on your own podcast. You sell out theaters. You've got a real career. You're not some Monday night amateur anymore. You turned yourself. into Joey Coco Diaz. That's a big deal in the world of comedy. Yeah.

I talk to a lot of guys, they'll piss on you. And they'll piss on you because you got millions of people. You know, and they got nothing. You need those haters, I'm telling you. Absolutely. But forget about that. Forget about that. You have the reason to be.

You say, when you got family, when you've got people that you love, and they see you knock down, like my family saw me, it was like the story's never, and I don't care how many arenas I did back then. That's the old story. That's the old dice story. I was going to build a whole new one. You know,

and nothing was going to deter me. That's just who I am. And you're that kind of guy. I wouldn't say it to a guy that's not like that. You know, because there are people that just, they ride other people's waves. You know what I mean?

And that's okay. But guys like you, guys like me, girls like Eleanor, they make their own wave. Oh, Eleanor, to me, the best female standing in the country. In comedy, people always have to give you a spark.

And it's what you do with that spark. Yeah. Rodney put you, gave you the opportunity of a lifetime. You went on there and fucked up that room. That's it. That's what you do. See, I didn't even play the room. It wasn't about the room.

When I filmed, you know, I'll never forget because, you know, Mitzie, it could be no fucking good at times. I know she's older. now and I love her. But the night of that special, the night of the Rodney special, I took a walk to the comedy store. Again, I wanted to be alone. And I just wanted to walk and look at all the people on the street because I knew what had happened. I knew that by sometime the next week, all those people are going to know who I am. I knew it. So I come into the comedy store

and who did I see, Bob Schimel, right? Nice. The funniest. The greatest. So he sees me, everybody else, the other comment, a lot of jealousy immediately, that night, that was Joe, but not from Schimel. He looks at me and he goes, so anyway, Dice, the special airs, right? There's a special ad like an hour ago, you know, he goes, so the phone rings, you know, I go, all right, here we go. And I pick up and he goes, it's my mother. And he goes, yeah, I'm mine, she goes, are you friends with Dice? I love Dice. You know, and he just killed me with that.

Now I go and I sit down, Mitzie's at a booth, and she's fuming over the special, you know, because I'm waiting for to say what I, because I knew, I knew when I filmed it, how it was going to affect the country. I can't prove it to you other than the ad I took in the daily variety, two days before the show ad. I took it for a Thursday because in show business on Friday, nobody shows up at the studios.

So I figured let the ad hit on Thursday. Full page and fucking variety. Can you imagine? Full page of variety. Full page and variety. And why are you laughing? At least half a sleep over there. Let him sleep.

I'm not asleep. No, he's just high. His eyes are never open. Look at his picture. So what happened is I take out this ad. Half the page was my picture. And in big bold letters, it says, I never studied much in school.

I go, but when I turned the, on the tube and I list all these things. There was Elvis the King, Buddy Rich with hands like lightning, Gleason, Cagney, you was the great one, Gleason, you were number one. You know, all these different people I looked up to. And then at the end, it says Murphy and Pryor, both great, no doubt, but in 88, it's dice thou shalt. And I put the name of special.

Yeah, I put that in variety. Yeah, I put that in variety to the entire fucking industry because I knew how big it was before it ever came on TV. I knew it the night I filmed it. First show at Dangerfield left nothing. Because, you know, that's how prepared you need to be when you could hit a home run. You know, I wouldn't have settled for being in the middle.

That could never happen in my world. I would have quit by a long time ago. But I knew if I did it right, it'll be the biggest thing. So I put that in variety. That's my proof. So now it's Saturday night. The show airs.

I go to the comedy store. I sit down with Mitzi. And she goes off about, I can't believe I don't have a credit. And, you know, they should have done it here. I don't like the look of it. I go, you know what, Mitzi? All I give a fuck about is how the whole country got to see me tonight.

And I'm going to go have a drink, which is very rare for me. You know, because she should. should have just gave it up at that moment. She should have just said, congrats. Yeah, because she know, but you also know Mitzie. Now I'm at the LA Forum. She's in the limo with me. She flyed to see me at the Meadowland. She flyed to see me at Madison Square. She came everywhere with me after that. Yeah. It was nuts. But, but I knew, but, but I only knew because I was that prepared. You know, if you're getting ready to do a special, by the time you do that

special, you shouldn't be thinking of your material. Just think of the performance. Think of the whole country watching you and perform for them, move around, do something, make it a little exciting for them. Even if it's with your backdrop. You know, don't just stand there with a mic. That was my big complaint with comics that they didn't understand performance

because I grew up with music. I grew up singing, playing the drums. It was all about acting. Had nothing to do with stand-up. So when I would see all the comics when I came out here, like the Paul Rises and, you know, Seinfeld, who I think,

is one of the greatest ever, you know. What I didn't see was performance, you know, and I can't go on a stage without performing somehow. I can't just go up there and do a routine. I would be bored to fuck. You know, I just would be bored. If I even thought about my act, the only thing that happens right before I go on

is Wheels will tell me, well, Eleanor's on stage, just kick an ass like she does every night. to maybe some of the toughest crowds in the country, my fans, and she destroys them all the time, every time. And Wheels is backstage with me going, you go out there and you tell them something now. And I go, what? And sometimes, a lot of times we've been smoking the weed before I go up

so I could just let my mind go, you know. He's going, you tell them the way it is. And I go, but about what? And he goes, you know exactly why. You just tell them when you get out there, you let them know it now. And that's how he'll psych me up for the show. And then I'll pass Eleanor and go, she'll pound me, you know, and I go, I'm just so fucking stone right now.

And he's telling me to tell them something. And I don't know what it is. He wants me to tell them. And that's why there's a few minutes when I first go up there. Well, I don't even bother with them. Like, even if they yell out my name, I don't look. I know I'm up there. I don't need to hear my name.

Shut up. Wait till I'm ready. We're going to get through this together. That's how I look at it. Because I don't know what's going to happen. And I know you're like that too, Joe. No, that's the way it's supposed to be. Do you get high before us, Joe?

I'm high all the fucking day. I'm high all day. Let me give some shoutouts here. I'll get back to this real quick. I want to give a shout out to my man, J.T. My man Matt Baker up there in Bakersfield, BJJ, Tony Callaheho, Joey Rolelli. I don't know these fucking names.

Sammy Deluxe, Jesse Ponkillo, Mike Vincent, Daniel Ronkowski, and Lonnie Thomas. I love you. You have the fuckers. Lonnie Thomas. Now, tomorrow, do me a favor, folks.

Tomorrow, 10 a.m. Andrew Dice Clay is doing the Coney Island Anteisdala. It's brand new? It's a brand new ampeter. Brand new, Coney Island. They still got the hot dogs, the whole fucking deal.

You got the beats. the whole day. I'm not playing Nathan's. No, I didn't say that. I'm playing an empathy. I know that. He likes to shut it. He likes it home.

I know. I'm selling them the whole night. I'm fucking with them. I'm selling them the whole night. Why do you got to get in between? This is why I don't take you anywhere. I don't care. This is why I'm here.

Tomorrow morning. 10 a.m. It's presale. It's pre-sale. Tomorrow. 10 a.m. These tickets are going to go fucking fast. The code is dice.

D-I-C-E. Again, D-I-C-E. Where do they go, Lisa, I am? Just go to Andrew Dysclay.com. Andrew Diceclay.com tomorrow, 10 a.m. Eastern, 7 a.m. California time. And it's the, I got to tell you, it's the first amphitheater, the first room I'm doing that size in about 18 years.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's all, you know, I should tell you, this was because of getting on the Tonight Show, doing the Tonight Show. And Jimmy Fallon, number one, the greatest. Him, his producer, Michael Cox. They couldn't be nicer. And when I was supposed to do the show, you know, because Dice, the TV show was coming out, you know, the network wanted me to sit on panel a little and talk about the show, you know,

and I was like, no, they want me to do stand-up. I'm not breaking it up. The whole thing's like six minutes, you know what I mean? So I told the producer, I go, what's the most time you could give me to do stand-up, if you really want me to do stand-up. And he goes five minutes, that's the maximum. And I go, all right, and I go through this material with him. And when we were done, this is cool.

I asked the guy, go, all right, once you get it all approved, can you like, you know, write it out like in an email and send it to me? Because what Michael didn't understand is I was winging it, giving him the material. I wasn't sure what it could. Because I can't be dirty, you know what I mean? So I came up with some material like a week. for Fallon, you know, but I wanted to give it this, this dramatic opening that people would think I'm going to destroy my career in a minute, okay? So I do the set, and it winds up the longest set

the tonight shows ever aired, six minutes and 23 seconds, and that was without Fallon's introduction, and he was so excited afterwards. He was like jumping on my back behind the curtain, you know, just the greatest guy. I just wanted to hang with him all night, him and his producer. And, And the producers, you know, texting me, you murdered it. And all nervous is about that they might, you know, cut it down, like edit it. Yeah. They left every fucking word in there. All right.

This is one shot on the Tonight Show. This is what hasn't been done in years. Now, I'll tell the people out there, the concerts I'm doing, which you could also see on my, what's the name of my site, Andrew Diceclade.com? Yes, sir. Okay. Yeah. So the concerts I'm doing on this little run in. are like between 1,500 people a night,

which are great size. You do those rooms. You're a superstar in comedy. Oh, yeah. For the most part, okay? After the Fallon show, I stayed up all night, got on the plane, by the time I landed,

this amphitheater was booked. That's how nutty people are going from this. And this is a 5,000 seat amphitheater. It's a new building. So I'm really psyched to go back to Brooklyn, where I come from, where my family's from, and really just bang them over the head again because I really on the Tonight Show,

if I'm going to go on there, I got to reintroduce the country to Dice. That's how I looked at it. And this guy, let me do it. Best guy in a long time. I always had a problem with Leno because he didn't help comics.

You know, you know the deal. I don't need to the bad mouth of them, but bottom line is Fallon loves comics. You know, so if you could get that tonight show, you should do it, Joey, because it changed. You should do Conan and all that. I keep thanking the producer.

because in six minutes, I changed my career again. You know, everything's happening, my show. It looks like it's a hit. People are just loving it. But to go back into concert at a time where I really feel people need it again because we live in a very angry world is really exciting to me.

You know, and that's why, you know, like we were going to do, you know, a show, but we're going to do it again. And I'll take you all over if you want to do a bunch of concerts. It's just really weird. I know you do it on your own, but you're a powerhouse on stage, and I love that. I love all that stuff, too. So, Eleanor, you'll have to go on before Joey. I love that the constant, this whole thing, has been stand up for you, Andrew.

And I never expected it to me. That's the whole thing that nobody does. That's the thing that I see people that have been here since the time I got off the boat here, and they're still here clicking and making a living. But stand-up has always been a constant. for a couple of years, shit will happen. And for two or three years, shit won't happen. Then for three years, shit will happen.

And the whole time, I went through 18 years of that. And then the whole time, but the whole time, you're getting stronger. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Picture, after you're getting stronger. Picture you're going through another two decades. You're getting stronger. It was just comic. You're getting more confidence on stage.

And remember, the best stand-up I do is when shit's not going good. That's the best stand-up you do. The thing to me is more, is funnier than when you hit a crowd that's silent and they're not laughing, like those late nights at the comedy store, when I could go up there and there wouldn't be a chuckle and I could just chill and do my stuff for me. I like that you feel that. Like I'm already having anxiety about the late night spot that I have at the store that's going to be quiet. I understand that because that's when you could develop. Yeah, but it's like, shit. You know, you feel like.

Yeah, you don't need to develop standard. You don't know if you're... You don't develop your fucking dead. The 1145, the 1145, the 1145 to... I got 1245. Well, the 1140... I'm just telling him. I'm just telling him.

The 1145 to 115 spot at the comedy store. Oh, wow. If you do that four nights a week, that's like... Let me tell you what the equivalent is. That's like going to the gym. I get like about four, yeah. Deadlifting, squibing. squatting and benching

400 fucking pounds and eating kale that's what those spots you know those punishment spots when you you know when Andrew did 10 years of that

yeah that's what I would do and I did 9 you know when Andrew goes up those little fucking half of faggy comics would leave I'm not going to sit through this I would stay

those are the guys that made me giant I would stay I would stay watch watch, watch, watch, go out, get water, get a cocktail, come back, watch Andrew, and then they'd be looking for people and I had to follow Andrew. Yeah. And Andrew would walk out, 16 people would walk out. I'd watch you though. I would watch. Nine would stay. Yeah. And you have to figure it out. And that figuring out is a fucking, a year at Yale. That's what Yale wants you to do. To think on your feet. That's the top thing. That's it. It just wants you to be.

quick. That's a four-year fucking degree. And meanwhile, you're sitting there going, why? Why? I could be in Philly with my family celebrating Christmas. Why am I here? The 21st of December, why? And then, you know, you have like an idiot, like, you know, some idiot comic will go, you go, I can't believe

I'm waiting here, fucking Eddie Griffin's bumping me. Right. And you'll go, I can't believe it's 115, and he's about to get off. And somebody will go, you know what? You don't want your spot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's always somebody waiting. Oh, yeah. Always somebody waiting.

And you have to think of it that way. I'm honored to still be. Oh, yeah, me too. I love it, but I do get a little anxiety still. That's what it's all about. Oh, okay, good. Listen, I go to fear. I go to other, listen, I try.

Listen, in the bottom of my heart, you go to other comedy clubs around town, and I go up like nothing happened. There's no pressure. You know that? I'm to the age right now when I go to a, the comedy store, I get car sick. And you don't make it what that car sickness is?

That's anxiety twisted. Because if I don't get car sick, I'll tell you why I start getting anxiety. Those five steps when I walk up and I step to the left by Mitchie's chair, I get anxiety now. But those are the sets, I'm going to fucking love with you. And once the anxiety come, I take three or four sips of water and I breathe, I breathe, I turn around and I look at the light. I make sure I could see that there's a door open. Yeah. And I breathe.

And once they say coming to the stage, I still have a little bit, I'm still out of breath. Yeah. That's the kind of noise. You would have loved the Westwood comedy store. I never saw that yet. I mean, that was the best.

What would go on there? Because, you know, because nobody's watching. No, it was run by you guys, right? You know, I got one of my best lines from the alleyway. Outside, the back of the comedy store, there was an alley and then an arcade. Like, you know, you understand what I mean. In Westwood, yeah. Yeah.

So there used to be this comic, Andy Huggins. Today we have Dave Taylor. It's basically the same person. Hilarious. Tall like that, thin like that. You know what I mean? Angry. And so Andy Huggins, picture like Dave Taley, you know what I mean?

And this comic, Joey Gainer. So, you know, a thing they used to do at Westwood is that Andy would just come on. Joey was a thick guy, you know, he's not that tall, but, you know, you know he could throw a punch if he had to, you know. And Andy would just come up in the middle of Joey set and throw him over the front table. Oh, yeah. And screaming him and walk out in the club. That was like the little bit they worked on. Okay.

Yeah. Like, picture Andy, picture Dave Taylor coming up and throwing you over the front table. Can that really ever. happen. So anyway, I'm there. You know Ronnie Kenny? No. You don't know Ronnie. One of the old school, you know, like August from that generation. So Ronnie would love drinking fucking beer and hanging out, real Irish, two-fisted fucking guy. The best. You know, the greatest guy. Funny, funny, you know. So anyway, you know, he's about six, seven beers in. Everybody's hanging out. Joey's on stage. Here comes this guy, Andy Huggins, throws him over the front table. You know, and of

course, the people that would go to Westwood were like college kids from, you know, Westwood. Yeah. So, Joey goes over, wait a minute, Joey goes over, and all of a sudden he starts choking. So he goes out into the alleyway, and he's on the floor just choking, you know, because what had happened is one of the wax candles poured into his mouth from a table. So it was like being suffocated. And there's Jackson Purdue is there. I'm there.

Carl LeBow is there. Ronnie Kenny's there. Alan Stevens is there. And the guy's basically choking and nobody's doing anything. And Ronnie, who's on his seventh beard, just goes, Hey, Joey, if you can't party with the big boys, don't show up. And I just fall down laughing. Like, I can't put the way he said the line.

I wound up making it like a hook line in my first special. the Dice Man Cometh with, if you can't party with the big boys, don't show up. And it wasn't about somebody choking on wax. It might have been, you know, somebody choking on your cock instead. But that's where I would see. Like, I would just study all these people.

And if they said something, like, like I remember when you started saying, it's an old expression, but you made it your thing with who's better than you back then. You know what I mean? And it was like, yeah. Like, you know, like who's better than me? Who's better than you?

but it worked for him. Like he was instantly, when you started out, you were finding at least something, some kind of hook line, which is the most important with comedy. You know, when they could leave and remember something you said. Like even me, when I go, oh,

the word unbelievable, you know, the way I would say it, they'd start saying it. You know, and that's how you hook an audience. I got to get a hook. I was in the fucking halfway house when Ford Failing came out. So, for what I have a movie. ever leave this halfway house?

They put me in there. You went there for like years. I was in there from February of 89. Look, sometimes you got to stay long. February of 89 until like August of. Right. Okay, here it was. I stayed in there from February.

But then he got recharged. Yeah, I stayed in there from February of 89 to when? To I got married. They released me the Tuesday before the fucking Saturday. So I got married. It's September, so they let me out of there. September 5th. When did you get married?

89. No, but September? September? I got married in September. September 9. Which one? Not to you? No, we didn't get married.

99. 99. 99. I got married. Wow. But three, four days before that I got released in the halfway house. I stayed out for two months. Then they put me back in.

They violated me for 90 days. So November, December. January. I got released February of 03. And then they threw me back in there again. February of 2003? No. Of, uh... 93.

No, no, no, no. Oh, he's high. No. It's fun to watch. That's a hard number. 90, 90. 80, 99. Okay. So they put me back in there May of 90 until about August the fucking 90.

But in that time period, I remember there was two movies that I had to be responsible for. One was Goodfellers. Now I read the book, Goodfell. I seen the fucking 2020 when Henry Hill was on 2020. So when I got locked up, the book was in the library. I read the fucking book. And a month later, People Magazine said that it's a movie.

So I waited and I remember like checking you, like you had to make up 10 lies and you couldn't drive. I drove. When you're in the halfway house, you're allowed to drive in the Federal Halfway House. I drove. I didn't give a fuck. I had a car parked three or four blocks away that was an emergency car. So I walked everywhere else.

But if I had to meet somebody, I got my fucking car. And I remember one day pulling up next to a chick from the halfway house, like one of the guards. Oh. And praying, please don't look over. And they wouldn't even say nothing. They won't say anything until you walk in. Then the cops are waifie. They're not supposed to say that until you if they see you do something illegal and shit.

Oh, they just report you. Yeah. They just report you. So the whole time you're out, you're thinking they didn't see. see you. So, but I went to see, I would go eat Chinese food and in those days, they tested you through reef and drugs. But I had a system. I would sweat every day. In those days, I used to run the Boulder Creek Reservoir. So what I used to do is I would take a joint at a garage by the halfway house. I had way before I got locked up. I had a garage and I go down, I had a heavy bag,

gloves, a little boom box, I had a bench, maybe 200 pounds, maybe two dumbbells. and if I picked up a victim from time to time I get my dick sucked in there and I had a joint that would last me a year That's hilarious Oh, because you can't I like what you said with the victim

When you just said that I would pick up victims in there from the half of the other No, but just is that I swear to God I would take them to the gym Dirty five dollars a month they charge me Yeah he does $35 a month for that fucking garage

It was better than going with gym Yeah I had my own little fucking gym in there So what the fuck? I would go in there I would take a hit off a joint I would go to a Chinese restaurant, eat, and I would go to a movie theater.

Oh, wow. And I remember like Ford Fairlane, I was in the halfway house, Goodfellas, and there was another movie I snuck into the seat. Batman. Now, Batman came a little later with Prince and all those people

jumping up and down. Oh, yeah, that did the 94-5, something like that. But last week I flew with the dude and we got into a conversation there was Comic-Con in Indianapolis last weekend and we got into a conversation and he used to be a comic at the store from 80 to 87

and he said to say hello to you that he rented you a joke Maurice, he's a voiceover guy I don't know he might want his joke then he rented oh no no no no no you're talking you went up to him and said listen I want to buy that joke you threw me off no no I didn't say it How about I rent it to you?

No, it was a guy I was hanging with that claimed he was Maya Lanski's grandson, which is a whole other story. And I was supposedly doing the Johnny Carson show. That's Lee Sayers, Maya Lanski's grandson. No, but this guy was nobody, but he really played it. You know, and so when I was supposedly doing Carson, he went over to Maurice, you know, because we had to, like, put together, like, these five minutes or whatever it's going to be.

you know of like cleaner material yeah he was lying this guy was just a pathological liar but he goes over to Maurice and he goes you know that rocky bit you have he goes uh I need it for dice in a week

and he goes you don't know how hard it is to come up with a bit I'm not just going to give him I'm not giving him my bit goes what about if we rent it you know I forgot how much he told him he's going to give him but then Maurice called for the money you know and obviously there was no Carson shot. I never did Carson.

And Lansky, he called himself Lansky, and he got mad at Maurice, and he goes, now I'm just taking the bit. Take it up with my grandfather, if you don't like it. Just like that. That's a whole story. I wrote a script called Comic in the Con years ago about him.

You know, it was just crazy. It's too long to go into it. But that's the Maurice's bit. But we never rented it, and I never did it. Who's better? Like, who walks around and going, I want to rent you a bit? That's crazy.

For a night. Yeah, to do on a national television show when there's four channels. Yeah. Like, if somebody did that today, there's a big chance. Nobody can see it. The reason Maurice called this,

he wanted to go see Howie Mandel, who's very close with in Vegas. So we wanted the money for the airline and everything. And the guy got mad at him and said, now I'm just taking the bit. And when he hung up, we're going, these are my friends. We're not just taking a bit

You can't just do that He goes, I could do anything Oh You know Are you really a landski Lee? Absolutely I don't know

A little distant cousin Are you even with us right now Absolutely I told you that's what happens to him That's a really good picture yeah What? See that picture? Look at his eyes right

He's close That's a horrific picture You do stand up right No Not at all Why not? I don't think I'm that funny. I don't think I'm that kind of funny.

Really? Okay. I like doing this. I like, like the reason why I think you like doing this and sleeping. Yes, that's true. You got a girl?

Yeah, he's got a Mexican girl. He's got a big party to plan for her tomorrow, right? Yes. Cinco tomorrow. It's been planning it for weeks. I see that? Really?

Yeah. What are you going to get her? What are you going to go to? What are you going to go to see them on? Nothing. With little pictures of Lee in it? No. How come?

For what? It's Cinco de Mayo. How long you've been going with this girl? Cinco de Mayo. Three years. You argue a lot with her? No. Never.

She's not come bad of at all. No, she's really cool. And she's Mexican. Yeah, I don't know. And she's fucking lying to you. Yeah. Joe, tell them. Tell them.

Joe knows. Spanish woman. Fucking. I like them, but I stay clear. How come? Because Temple. They just don't work for me. It's too hard.

Well. It's too hard. I've seen a Latin woman in action. I've been living room for seven years. Does Lee do you get beat up? No, well, here's the thing. I think I could see her doing that with someone, but we have similar, like, likes.

It's like, so we don't argue because it's like, hey, do you like watching TV and having a star and getting Thai food? It's like, yeah, that's what we like. So there's no real fights there. I've always, Andrew. Yeah, but you can't be like a pansy. I don't think you are, but don't ever get to that level.

I think that I think that you're going to be. Like remember, Joe, you know, what went on in Rebel with James Dean with the father when he's on the fucking knees, picking up broken fucking dishes. You don't want to become that guy on your knees with a fucking apron on. You know what I mean? broken dishes and James Dean is like grabbing him by the shirt, college is going, get up. Remember that?

And he's going, what's the problem? I need an answer now. Get up. And that's what I'll tell like people in audiences when I see them like just folding. You know what I mean? Man's still got to be a man. And that's it.

You don't want to be that guy because I'll take it to that level where you're in the red and white plaid fucking apron from the kitchen bringing her food. It's bringing the mother food in the fucking bedroom like a fucking asshole. What is James Dean? No, so James Dean wants to ask him something. And the father's crawling around the floor picking up little pieces of glass. And James Dean just grabs him by his collar and he goes, get up. Fucking tremendous.

What? But you remember that, right? You can't be that, man. I can't. I mean, they want to play games in the fucking bedroom. All right, I'll go along. You want to smack me back. I get it.

Look. As a 13-year-old, I felt like a-in-law. He's fucking who-was today. I fell in love with a Spanish chick, and I wasn't even banging on Andrew. How old were you? Maybe 12, 13. Me too.

Wasn't even banging a dry hump and a second little tit from time to time. If I did that, she'd still be with me. I fucking got left back. That's how good the little dry home pussy was through the pants. Can I tell you my Puerto Rican story? Go ahead. So, you know,

we just moved back. I lived in Florida for about seven months when I was 12 with my family. And we moved back to Brooklyn, so we had to stay with my grandmother. Avenue M. in East 12th Street in Brooklyn. Real old-time brick-upon. Eleanor was in that building. I took

her in there to check it out with my boys when they were really known. We went down. We went down. to the fucking... All right, so anyway, what happened is I really love... The superintendent had like three daughters

and I really dug one who was like my age. But you know how you looked at them at that age? Like they were the hottest thing in the world? Yeah. You know, any girl, like through a 12-year-old's eyes, I was actually 13.

So I sat on... On the wall right next to that bedroom window on the first floor in the back of the building and that wall faced a fucking... Where did it? They bring dead people, you know. What's it called?

A morgue. A morgue. So I'm in this fucking alley that creeps me out to start with, because the limos coming in every 10 minutes with another one. And I'm sitting there for about three hours until I finally say, and the sisters are there and a little brother's there. You want to be my girlfriend? She goes, yeah.

I said, oh, great. And I jump off the wall and I go back upstairs because now I got a girlfriend. You know? You talked away from her? No, because now I asked the question. It took me three hours to ask her. It's like the first girl I asked to be my girlfriend. So, you know, you're sitting there and you want to say it,

but the sisters are there and you finally blurt it out. So I go upstairs, but now I won't come near this girl. I'm afraid to go near her because now I'm going to have to make out with her. Right? So her sisters who are older than her, one day they take me down to the basement. You know, because the elevator would actually go past the lobby and go right to the basement, which would never happen today. And in the basement,

where all these like, you know, rooms, boiler rooms with doors. So they take me and they put me in a chair. And one of the sisters goes, all right, we're going to teach you a little about kissing. And one sister like holds my head back. And the 19-year-old goes to give me a kiss. And I felt her tongue, but I never felt that. So I blew it out of my mouth. And she starts choking on her own tongue.

that we had to pull her tongue like her sister pulled her tongue out why did you do that I go because I didn't know what it was I didn't know what a tongue was in my mouth right so this goes on for about two weeks that I don't go need a girl and finally she chases me down for two blocks

and says can we go back to being friends because at least this way I could hang out with you because I wouldn't make out it was too young and I regret that moment Joey you should and did those girls repeat bringing you down to the boiler No, not after one nearly died.

Today, that was a felony. It was Latin to me. I loved Latin girls. I mean, you know, I was with Eleanor, but that was like a different thing. Yeah, that's when you wanted to go Irish. No, it was crazy because I have always... Irish and Spanish. Irish is a different kind of anger.

I like Irish. Terry's Irish. Yeah, I like Irish. My son's mom is Irish. I love all that Jersey Irish shit with red hair and freckles on their titty. and dirty. I love all that shit. I like the attitude.

Oh, shit. I love it. I love it. They go fucking nuts, too. They try to play it down. Oh, I dated. Oh, they sit on your fucking dick, banging the holes into the fucking floor.

Halloween Colleen. You climb on top, you start fucking eating a titch. You go down to a fucking box. He's in a different fantasy. You know what I mean? Then they fucking nut all over your fucking chin and you feel like a man. What do you think,

You do these things to the Mexican? Yeah. Is this what you have? Cinco DiMaio's going to be about? Yeah. What are you going to do? A nut on the chin? What the fuck, we?

I guess I will have to go. Let me get the paper. He's in fucking Christ, what they can do. You're going to have to get a little pinata. My eyes are burning. Are we almost done? What do you mean your eyes are burned? Go open the door for five minutes.

You're killing you. Open the door, get some air. Let me ask you this, Andrew. So get up out of your chair and go open the door. One thing that's over there. Just for five minutes. Come on. Oh, you drive, come on.

Are we allowed to open the door? You could open the door. Go ahead. Flames drive by. Once the... Ellen, go open the fucking door. You get allowed to yell at me like that. I'm trying to stop it.

Open the door. You're my opening act. What does that mean you get to yell at me? No, but just open the door. Open the fucking door. Now I'm getting double teeth. Now I'm getting mad. You stupid son of a bitch bastard what you are.

She hit her teeth on the microphone. She's so fun. That's what I love about her. She's the greatest. Joey, I can't get it. So this whole time, whether this is generation new or didn't know, you've been working. Yes, of course. We've been pouring, Vegas, fucking whatever.

And now you're about to kick off a few 1,500 seats. I don't know. Open it all the way. For the love of Christ. What's the matter? Open the door. That's a girl. That's why it's a podcast.

You do what you want when you want to do it. This is a fucking podcast. Yeah, so the first part of the store is 1,500 seats. But now we're going to. to these, you know, giant fucking places again. You know, I don't even know how... I'm going to need you, Joe. I'm telling you.

I'm not worried. I'm here for you, brother. I'm dead serious because, you know, this time around, it's like I really want to bring, like, incredible comics with me and just that people walk out going... What a great show. This, like the best comedy show ever. That's what I want to do.

Elmore rocks the fucking mic, Jack. Do five minutes. I almost come over with me in Philadelphia. Oh, yeah, I'm doing Philadelphia with him. I'm doing healing. Yeah, yeah. But before that, I'm headlining at Uncle Vinnie's in Jersey. Are you?

I plug that, July 10th and 11th. Good for you. I mean, June. June 10th and 11th. Did you see Illinois on the Blue Comedy Show? Yes, I did. Yeah, Andrew gave me my danger field spot. Thank you.

Yeah, he called me and told me, Joey did. Yeah, I watched it. That's why I did that special. It's the weirdest thing. Listen, man. I'm just glad we connected again. I fucking. I haven't seen it on the computer.

And there's the dice. It popped up like the Lord just popped in my lap. I went to the comedy store that night. I called, left you a message, and something happened. I'm watching something. All of a sudden, tonight at the tonight show. Blah, blah, blah, Andrew Dice Clay.

I tape it. I run to the comedy store, get involved talking to somebody. I walk in the fucking house. I turn it on. I go in the kitchen. I get some water. When I come out, I don't even have to DVR. Wow.

Coming to the stage, Andrew Dice Clay. Boom. So it was like, I was right there, you know what I'm saying, watching the whole fucking. Oh, you saw the Fallon. Yeah, I saw the Fallon live. I really can't. But that guy over half a million hits already. Yeah.

It's like by the next morning, it was at like $150. And now it's over half a million. It's like amazing. I can never thank him enough. That's all. That's why I'm saying his name. I think he's the greatest. Because he's not afraid to let a guest shine.

That's what I love to. To let a guest just go. Just let me fucking go. I felt like I was on it, the comedy. store. I felt nothing. You know. No, you look like, you look loose. You had this. I was very loose because

oh, nothing. You know, at that comedy store, there's a bunch of professors but your education just to see that I'm going to do this until they put me in the grave because it doesn't matter. You keep doing it. You know what? How is you? You go. You do it. You get in your hotel room. You sleep.

You smoke a number and you take a plane home the next fucking day. So I've learned so much from you, man. This is last journey. We were talking about at the store last week. It's fucking amazing. But I try not to like, you know, like I talk to Alano about this stuff a lot. Like there is a lot going on now, but it's always been important to me that I'm just grounded.

Yeah. That I am the guy from. Oh, you got the boys. You know what I mean? And that's how I really feel. You have a Spanish wife now? Spanish food. I don't eat the Spanish food.

I can't do it. No Mexican food. She gets you to eat a lot. What? That you would never eat. The Spanish food. Skirt steak I eat. It's just flavorful.

You know, you know, skirt steak. Yes, that's like my favorite steak. No, I love it. But there's like, the Mexicans, like, came out with a version of it. It's like pinata steak, some kind of fucking. No, that's rude. She'll marinate it. She marinate it in different.

Yeah, but it's like skirt steak, but you'll get it like it. And you cook it on the grill, nicely nice. Like, I like going to the Mexican mott. You know, the food mart, it's the fucking best. The best. Bags are cookies that it is big. You want to talk about munchies. The bags are cookies.

You don't find a little bag like in a... They're this fucking big. Yeah. Like, beyond belief cookies. Mexicans don't fuck around no more. You understand me? Let me read these ads and we'll get the fuck out of here. Yeah, because you're not getting a backrop because it's 10th.

No, no, no, no. It's late. No, no. I need you to dig your elbow on there. I got a spot at the comedy. No, when I went down, when I had that fall with my fucking arm two weeks ago, where's the masseus at? Right here.

She's good at it. All right. We'll give them a massage while I do the ads. Why do a spot? Forget this one. Just stop with the high-pitched voice. Another reason we're going through something. Listen, can you live with that voice?

I love that. What are you going through something? You live with it. It don't matter what you're doing this season. You know, you got the old fella tour now. What do you call those people? The old cocella. Oh, Coachella?

Coachella for old people. Oh, I do want to say you just did remind me of something. I'm proud to say this about my son's band still Rebel. Right, no, absolutely. Number one, they got booked to do a Tracy Gunn's tour who had the band LA guns and he was with guns and roses for a year and he heard

he heard a lot of cuts from their album that's going to come out called Valley Days and so he booked them on this big tour he's going to do in October but just today it was finalized that my boys are starting off first band at Oz Fest the final

Oz Fest. That's a congratulation. Yeah I couldn't even believe when I got that I'm fucking believable. Well see people just don't forget, you know, Sharon Osborne saw them on the late, late show about a year and a half ago. And I get a text from her last week and I call her up and she didn't forget. And I tell them all the time, I go, these people like Sharon Osborne, when they see you, just like producers and directors that watch young comics and go, three years, I'm coming after that guy.

Right. You know, they watch you develop. You know, so for them to get this Oz Fest, like, I'm like out of my mind from it. You know, most guests come on here and we laugh and we giggle. This has been more of a talk. No, no, I've learned a lot in this thing. I want to thank you for coming on tonight. I'll come on to show anytime you want.

I love you. I love Eleanor. Let me do these things here and we'll get the hell out of here. Like I said, it's concert season. It's baseball season. Football season's around the corner. And that's what you're going to need when I'm about to talk to you about. What's the next big event you want to go to?

Like I said, Holchella, you know, pre-season. season football, it's coming right back to LA, all this stuff, whatever it is. You can bet that it's awesome that it's awesome that someone's going to pay less for better seats. How? They use score big. You're paying too much for tickets between all the markups and last minute convenience charges, even printed home fees. You end up paying court side prices for non-seed bleed and whatever, what do you call those? Nose bleed seats. Score big is here to change that. Did you know that 40% of all live event tickets go unsold. And did you know that there's a place to get these seats at huge savings?

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promo code Joey. 60% off. Sit with regular white people. Why are you sitting up there with those fucking radar fans? You fucking savages. Score big.com. Code word Joey, fuck nuts.

Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry to get emotional from time to time you need to, and this is where this app comes in. Meditation is tremendous. I knew nothing about meditation. I knew about smoking weed and whatever.

And when I went to school in bold, I used to do walking meditation on Monday nights with a bunch of dirty people. And you know what it worked? Meditation fucking works. But it's like what we do. We go to church and we pray. If you breathe and say in our father, it's meditate.

That's true. But there's so many different forms of meditate. But listen, I ain't no meditation guru. That is why. Let's be honest. Most of your problems start with your mind. The other night, Andrew, something weird happened to me.

I was here with my main man, Lee, and we tossed down about 750 million. The only reason why me and Lee are not tossing one star during the show is because I'm done with that because I got high. Like I'm high tonight.

But we started fucking around. In the second hour, we took a fucking star. But when I got home, I ate like a banana and I had an apple and I had some fucking wasabi almonds and I went to sleep. And something happened in the middle of that.

I had to get up in people. Okay, I get up and pee. I lay down and all of a sudden my nose got clogged. I get up, I blow my nose. Then I lay back down. I put the sleep apnea mask on and my wife turned and I could feel her finger an inch away from my back. But every time I would breathe, her finger would tickle my back.

You know what I'm saying? Like I got a little fucking emotion. I got to move an inch away from her. And now I'm sitting and I'm like, what is this sleep apnea machine broke? And I got myself all worked up. I had to get up, spray my nose, lay back down again. Then I couldn't fucking connect my breathing with my nose.

Oh, my God. And I fucking had to go on a limer room. You know what I did? I just wanted to live on and turn the TV on. I just sat there like a mutt and breathed out of my nose. And within 20 minutes, I was fucking tired. I went back in and I fell asleep. And all that is, you know, deep breathing is meditation.

Just breathing. But anyway, breathing's everything. That's why I don't fucking eat, right? That's why I don't eat edibles after we do it. That's the maloop you put on yourself. Eat the edible and let it go. If it works, it works. If it's not, it's in God's hands.

Yeah. Right? You're leaving in God's hands. Sometimes we've got a fucking knockout. And sometimes you get fucking, like tonight. We're okay, right? Lee, you're not past night. You're not going to stay here for one in the morning or nothing.

I'll be okay. He's hysterical. He's a savage. Let's be honest. Most of your problems start in your mind. Fear, anger, stress, anxiety, depression, sleeplessness. They'd be getting your head, but they can wreck your life.

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the benefits of meditation in your busy modern life. So why fuck around? Train your mind for a healthier, less stressed life. Start with your free trial today. Right now, right now, download it. Headspace.com slash Joey. Again, that's headspace.com. slash Joey. Headspace does not play games. And that's it. Besides that, we got On It. Always go to Onit.com and see that. I just ordered some green living food to throw in my little milkshake in the morning. Very interesting. To make a little almond milk with a little fucking strawberry, some blueberries, some raspberries.

You want me to make you on? Not bad. With some flax seeds. Nice. It takes the swelling off. You're brand new. You look tremendous, Andrew Diceclay. You don't need no fucking flaxie. You want some flaxseed. I'm in Sacramento next weekend. Yes. Sacramento, the 12th. And the following week, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, bitches.

Really? Get your shit together. Oh, do we know where I'm going? No, we know where you're on the most important fucking ticket you people want to buy. And let me tell you some. I've seen Rod Stewart out there. There's a place out there that's out. Anyway, if you're going to be in the East Coast, July 30th, Andrew Dice Clay,

at the Coney Island Amphitheater. Right. Presale tomorrow. 10 a.m. Codename Dice. Go to Andrew Diceclay.com right now to get tickets. Stop fucking around.

Yeah, because he has other dates going on. You Canadians, come down. Yeah, come down. I don't know if that was my Canadian accent. I can't even work my own phone. Okay, but you're talking about trying to promote the Keswick and Bethlehem. Do you know those dates? Maybe the 14th, May 14th.

Oh, Sands Bethlehem, 513. 13. the Tropicana in Las Vegas, May 28th. Oh, May 28th, that's a big one. The Keswick Theater, May 18th. Chicago, the Copernica Center. What is that word? I'll just take your word for it.

Copenica Center. It's all on your website, too, so. June 18th. Oh, so why am I doing this? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm just following what he's doing. No, you're smart. You're smart.

But tomorrow it is pre-sale for the Coney Island Ampitheater at 10 a.m. But they can get all that on your wish like Andrew Dice Clay.com. Yeah, but they get deals on the tickets. Go to Andrew Diceclay.com. Look at this tremendous tour schedule. We'll be back Monday night, 8 o'clock. Don't fuck around. We love you, cock suckers.

Eleanor's here. I'll be in Jersey. Uncle Vinnie's June 10th and 11th. Uncle from the fucking Vinnie's, then you'll see me. I'll know. He'll be in helium before. You're going to work that together, right? Yeah.

Lisa, I love you, Cocksucker. I love you. I did a podcast. I did a podcast with a, like, a, like, a licensed medical marijuana grower who like has one of awards and i just go to my podcast life and neutral here all right stay black have a great weekend thank you very proud of you guys thank you andrew for coming on i'm on thank you for having me do this thing lee this show is brought to you by headspace go to headspace.com slash joy right now and download the free headspace app and begin the

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