The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #378 - Owen Benjamin

Episode Date: May 10, 2016

Owen Benjamin, Comedian, actor, and host of the "Why Didn't They Laugh" podcast joins joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.    Datsusara: Go to Datsusara.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/09/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by NatureBox. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking confidently with NatureBox. Visit Naturebox.com slash Joey to get 50% off of your first box. That's naturebox.com slash Joey right now. Go there right now and get the right snacks for 2016. It's naturebox.com slash Joey. I do you want to go to. To get 50% off of your first box.

Show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use Code Word Church to save 10% on all of the great optimization product. like Alpha Brain and New Mood and Shum Tech Mune and Shumdek Sport. And we'd like to welcome a new sponsor. This show is brought to you by Datsusara. That's Datu Sara. D-A-T-S-U-S-A-R-A. Extremely high-quality, functional gear made with hemp textiles.

They have bags, geese, rashcards, and much, much more. They have bags. Go to Datsusara.com right now and check them out. Kick that motherfucking, mealy. This show is brought to you by N-K-R-R-E-Carr. Say goodbye to weird. ingredients and start snacking constantly Jesus Christ Almighty

Oh my God Oh shit May 9th Motherfuckers Post Mother's Day The church of what's happening now Monday The day the devil was buried

The Sea of fucked in the ass And lit on fire And dropped off at Kasi's house Oh shit Owen Benjamin What's out? Lee Syatt Uncle Joey

Get those shoes on bitches Oh shit pump out those moves Cocks up what What what what what what What's the story Lisa I'm doing good Oh my God These stores are kicking in fashion Yeah yeah we're not fucking around

I've been fomenting these You know I'm saying These have been sitting in the dark Oh and Benjamin what's happened Just the stars are kicking in pretty hard Yeah and I wouldn't even let you eat the second one Because I know these things smack people around really hard But it's Monday night

I got to kick out the Jams, brothers and sisters. Great weekend last weekend. I hope everybody's weekend was great. Lysayat, what did you do? I had kind of an easy weekend. Paul was on a cruise with her mom, he's finishing law school. So just kind of hung out.

Just watched the Dice Man Come up after that podcast on Wednesday. That was great. And, yeah, I had a pretty low-key weekend. How about yourself? Me too. I didn't do dick. I did the spots Saturday night. I decided I hung out with the family.

Sunday, I want to go to Mothers. day she went to church i went to jih Tzu i called her and she goes i don't feel good come home so all our plans were broken because she gets some migraine headaches and that was my fucking weekend that was i didn't do shit i wrote a little bit did a couple jumping jacks nice and went down to the fucking comedy store what else you want from me that's where you do people expect that you went on a jet set and oh i went down to the bahamas and hung out with p dilly i don't do that shit i don't do that's amazing how many people do that though like on a weekly basis they're like oh i'm going to san dieger for the weekend or i'm going up north it's like in it and it's like in

every weekend thing out here. Yeah, it's basically like, I'm going to go sit in a little tube in the sky because that's what you're doing. You're like traveling most of the vacation. If you do like a one-nighter, what's the point? It's like a nine-hour flight for like to sit at a beach that just looks like your beach, right? Two days.

I don't know. I never had all that energy. Yeah. I didn't have, like, when you grew up on the East Coast, you always have that weekend outing place. For us, it was the Jersey Shore. Right. And that was one summer where I,

would go down. But it always felt like too much work for me. You know, at least that's what it did for me. There's a lot of people, I'd say lifestyle, man. You know, DiAgostino's sister, she's out every fucking four nights a week. She's dirty. I don't know how people do it. But I did the, I'll sit here now and go, I don't know how people do it. I did the same thing, just in a smaller frame. I bought a 12-pack and went home and snorted a gram of Coke by myself. So what's the fucking difference? You're still killing yourself in one way or another. It's just, I don't know. I don't know. I just not, never been. cares me like I'm a very I don't want to say anti-social but I like being by myself and the thought of being out like I never understood that in college when they went out four nights a week I I would never want to be out with people four night like in a big bar or something it's I don't know it freaks

me out a little bit yeah I'm too tall to go places like I'm tall you know six seven damn damn damn so it's like yeah people are always bumping into me and like dick and I'm trying to fight them when I'm just standing there we did you used to go out a lot when you were you younger? Kind of, not really. I think just doing comedy. I've done comedy now since college, so I was always traveling, so I never really looked forward to more.

It's almost like our job is people's party, so it's like you don't live in the frat house. You know, you kind of just kind of go. It makes sense. I was like, I went to get tacos last night. My wife says, well, I want to go get tacos. And I went to that cactus place. And next to this cactus is a bar called the Starlight Lounge. and I was just waiting there

you know the phone rang one time a friend of mine called salami called they talked to them but the whole time I was watching the bar and it's like there's a bar culture there's a nightclub culture there's all these cultures that you went to their music comedy culture

there's people that go to improv every night you know there's people that do you know when I was growing up I went to a happy hour on Tuesdays I went to a ladies night on Wednesday it's a whole point of the the evening was getting fucked up when I was growing up. When I was growing up, it was to snort blow and eat pills and fucking pass out somewhere, you know.

And yeah, pussy was somewhere in there. But we went out just to fucking rave or rage, whatever that word is, and have a good time. But then there's that culture, that bar culture, that dirty, dingy bar culture, which I have nothing against those bars. I grew up in one of those bars. My mom had one of those bars. But that culture always bothered me. That certain...

They're out there smoking and their body language. You know, they got the hats on, and they got the bar outfit on. And their body language is like, look at us. We're partying. We're doing something. Nobody... Like, it just had this weird thing.

Like, they had the four dudes come out and smoked and three other dudes, and the token black guy came out because every of those bars in Studio City have a token black dude. Yeah. Like we like black people. We let hang, hang on here.

You know, those type of fucking morons that you could see right through it. But it's just... Looks like an old Navy commercial. Yeah, it was just like it's got everybody's represented. Everybody's represented. Hey, I'm the Arab guy, but I'm just like you guys. Yeah, and they drink in it. I still remember being stuck in those bars.

Like, when I was a kid, like, to go get drugs or something in the afternoon and having to listen to their small talk used to make me fucking sick. even as a kid sitting in my mom's bar I would look at those people and go how do they sit there all fucking day yeah and it's like performative it's like they're doing it to be seen doing it to be seen doing it because if you really love booze you just sit home and drink yeah they go to a bar

and they talk and they plan trips to go far and then their whole conversation the next day is how whack they got the night before like how was it in here after I left oh we got whack Billy came in and bought shots for the house really that tight fuck And you sit there and you're like, Jesus Christ, what are they talking about? What the fuck are they talking about?

They have this fake care, like, you know, well, I don't know. You know, Lee comes in here, and he drinks 16 doubles. I've never seen him eat. He's a fucking Alki. You know, what the fuck is your problem? You're an Alki? It's just, it's always driven me fucking crazy. And yesterday, I saw it, and it reminded me, I remember going home and eating and telling my wife,

got to tell you what, I never understood that bar culture. like I never liked it at all and I remember still hanging at bars and like in the mid-80s like just living in Jersey and going to those dumb little bars in the neighborhood and I remember leaving there going the thing I'm happy the most

is I don't have to go to those fucking bars no more listen to that dumb small talk and the bartender talk fuck that noise you ever work at a bar? Fuck yeah my mom had a bar so

my mom's my stepdad I hated the bar business. Like, he didn't drink. So when you don't drink, you don't understand it. I always wanted to drink. When I came from Cuba, all the TV shows, any TV show, Dick Van Dyke, any TV show you watch, always had booze. And they always had bottles with no label on them. Like, everybody's house in America had an alcohol tray.

Right when you walked in the door. Right when you walked in the door. It used to make me feel weird that I didn't drink. Yes, yes. You grow up going, I can't wait to own. comes over the house. And in those days, people didn't ask, like, we're not like pussies how we are now. Right. Like now, and let me get Stollies short. In those days, people fucking, you walk in my house, oh, and I drink this shit. Yeah, I take the glass, I put the ice

cubes in, I pour it and I hand it to you. You wouldn't ask me if it was whiskey or gin or scotch. You would just say cheers. Yeah. And fucking drink it. So who does it want to do that? I want to do that. I want to do that right now. I wanted to fucking do that. No, you're not doing that right now. Then we're responsible for you. These stars in alcohol don't mix, I don't think. I've never been able to... I really don't think these stars...

Weed and alcohol from you don't. It doesn't really do anything. Yeah, it doesn't. It nulls it out. I think if I smoke first and drink, I'm done. If I drink first and I smoke, then I get sick. So it was always like a catch-22. But it was so weird how seeing that yesterday

said to me, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I got out of that. that fucking life, you know, just hanging out at bars. I never really liked it. But growing up, I used to see those people after the effects. Even as a child, I'd see him drunk. And even as a 10-year-old child, I wouldn't let them talk to me. Like, they fucking bothered me. Right.

And it bothered me that my mom was doing it along with that. Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Me and my stepdad would just go, see you. And we'd get in the car and say, look at those fucking losers. Like, I swear to God, I always never. like that shit. Right.

And what are you going to do? Listen, that's what makes the world go around that we all have different taste. Yeah, I don't like the club club culture really either. The club culture. Yeah, that was weird to me. Yeah. Because it's like waiting in line to then go into a bar. I don't understand that.

Like when you wait in line, like people wait in line like three hours to go get the same booze. It's at the dive bar. You know, I never understood that. I went to all those clubs in New York growing up. You know, I went to studio at the end, though, and like on a Thursday night, I went to Xenons and all those dumb clubs they talked about. If I said to you, I went more than once, I'm lying to you.

Even then, they just weren't my company. I'm doing blah. I want to talk. I can't talk when music's blurring in my ear. So if I talk to you, I got to hit you with a shot of bad breath, and then you talk to me, you've got to hit me with a shot of bad breath. All night, you're just smelling bad fucking breath. I didn't like it.

I didn't like that. Does anybody like this shit? I don't like... When I was 19, like I said, 19 to 22, I went to a couple clubs. After a few drinks, I would dance, you know? But it wasn't like... Listen, now, in those days,

let's get something straight. And even back then, Uncle Joey don't wait on lines. Like, that culture is a culture that's destroyed me. Right. Like, I don't get that culture at all. Like, when I go to Austin, I love the barbecue, but I'm not waiting on line. Yeah, you don't write my line.

That's not Mike bag to wait out on line and tell people. We waited for an hour. Yeah, like pinks, like the hot dog shit, is always like a crazy line to get a hot dog. I don't do that. That place, the breakfast place on sunset, on Fairfax. Yeah. Ten years ago, Lindsay Lohan went in there before one of her trials.

So every day you'd go in there, I'd drive by and see a line in front of the night. And me and Faveman, a bunch of us would be going to Dukes, getting a nice cheese omelet with fucking curly cut French fries and Coke. And I'd see these mutts, Waiting on line to get fucking eggs. Waiting on line to get eggs. Waiting on line to get eggs, which anybody can make a fucking good egg

and you sprinkle it with whatever the fuck they sprinkle out of it. But that whole scene thing has never been able to. Why do people do that? Because it just appeals to their instincts. They do know the place I'm talking about, the griddle. Yeah.

Right across the Starbucks is something, a coffee bean on sunset and Fairfax. There's a line there. And 60 yards away, there's a bagel place that dude will make you a nice bagel on locks and makes juice jealous you understand me she's from Arabia somewhere

she's over there fucking putting locks on bagels with onions that are fucking delicious there's no line there no line nobody even ordered a nice turkey with cream cheese or a tomato every time I go in there's one everything you're saying right now sounds fucking oh delicious incredible I don't fuck around so I don't understand why you would stand

on that line to tell your friends me and Benjamin went to the griddle today oh my god It was fucking, what the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you? And I've been there. It's a nice breakfast. But it's not worth the line. No, I wouldn't stand it all fucking going there.

Have you ever a place that was great, and then they changed it to one of those places? I had a breakfast place that was perfect. And then they changed, they added crapes. They painted everything, and it made it look like it's like an old country place. And it was like, it was depressing. Was there a lie? No, no. There was, now.

It took like three times as long because they changed donors. It was something that Joey talks to me about. a lot is like not fit like don't fix something that's not broken like why like it's and that's something in my life too that always whenever I overreact to something it ends up like backfiring in my face yeah it's like those species that they'll bring in to kill like a bad species and then it fucking makes a worse thing oh it's the worst and like for I don't know about you but like in my life it just destroys things like if I'm like okay I need to fix this and so to fix this I'm going to go eight hours out of my way to fit and then it ends up like not even working and

if you just let things happen, I don't know. It's something I've been trying to fix lately because I'll overreact. See, but maybe you're trying to fix the fix thing. That's true. Yeah, yeah. And that's another point, yeah. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're fixing things you want to do eight hours out of the way.

I don't know. Let's say you had a show. And it's like what you were talking about earlier. You used to fly in a night before and get ready for radio and be all prepared and we'll rest it. and then the radio show wouldn't bring you tickets. So now you just have a good night's sleep, and you go on the next day. And it's easier, and you get just as many people coming in or more, and you don't have that stress of going to LAX at 5 p.m.

And a night away from your family. Like just stuff that you think you need to do, but it's the simpler, the better, at least for me. Oh, I see what you're saying. Well, even when we first started the podcast, when you and I throw ideas, you come up with a good idea, but it's not a simple idea.

You know, I have to do too much work to get to that final result. Right. We got three days, and you're talking about a two-year product, you know, and that's, we all do that. We, you know, overreact.

That's what, yeah. Overcomplicate, yeah. Something, it's just, and it'll ruin something that could be great. I hate my wife's scheduling. I want to, fucking choke my wife some time. I'm going to live in a room because I'll see her do something.

She could do two days from now. And it wouldn't really fucking matter. You know, it drives me fucking crazy. I always ask her, let me see you know. She's overprepared type thing? Like she gets too wound up? Okay. This morning, the chick was coming in to watch the baby.

Mondays is the only day Mercy doesn't go to school. Yeah. We bring Juana in. and she helps watch the baby while my wife goes food shopping and then I sit for a while and want to do some laundry and then she'll clean a little bit

Juana only comes in on Mondays and Fridays guess what my wife is doing at 7 in the morning fucking laundry As you're about to ring Juana into doing it Right, you know what I'm saying so I'm about to ring her fucking neck

I see I'm being trash cans Friday we went to lunch We got food but it was too much food I cut my steak in half perfectly purposely, so I would have breakfast steak and eggs for breakfast. Right. So it was a 12-on steak I cut it in half. She couldn't fucking finish her steak.

And her mashed potatoes and her fucking asparagus and something else. The day before we had made spaghetti. Saturday, I said to her, listen, I'm not feeling too good. She goes, what do you want for dinner? I go, there's a steak in there? There's a steak in there? There's horseradish mashed potatoes. There's this. There's this, there's this, there's this.

I don't want nothing. I get up out of the best. I bet I smell fucking food. I go in the kitchen and I go, what are you cooking? She goes, I made tortilla soup. I go, why the fuck would you make tortilla soup? Now nobody's going to eat that shit. That's why we had to throw away those four fucking hamburgers.

Right. You follow me? She'll say, well, you didn't eat the hamburgers. And why the fuck did you make that if you knew there was hamburgers in that? That's fucking bad scheduling. Yeah, that's a fucking bad scheduling. Totally. You didn't plan the move three days ahead, you know?

If you want your life to be easier, you have to be. you have to cut that fat out. Keep that nut low. Keep that fat out and keep the nut low. And that's what... I believe in less movement. I'm 53. I'm halfway done.

I got one from the grave, one of a banana peel. These are the years where you bend over to put your shoes on all of a sudden you see purple. And next thing you know, you're in a box and they're fucking throwing sand on you. So guys like Owen and myself, we don't fucking know, Owen,

when Brad Pitt's doing a movie, and some guy slips on a banana peel and gets hurt. and they're shooting the movie in Atlanta for 60 days. So I'm always thinking like that, that I want to be ready for that call. I want to be ready for that call if I got to leave in three fucking days. So a lot of times I wouldn't do, like right now,

Owen, how many years have you lived in LA? 13 years. So you're not doing the same shit you did in the beginning when you were here. No. You just said before the show, which I'm not ashamed of saying either, it's a bad habit that we have this. Yeah. Because we would never do this 13 years ago.

We would never get a call for an audition at night and go, I'm going, wake up in the morning, I call Lee and go, Lee, let me ask you something. Where's Susquehanna Street? And we'll go, that's two hours, and it's always trafficking there. Your auditions at 945, what's your first impulse now? Let me look at this side again. Guestor, Fox. Let me look at the show where it stands.

Number 18. Fuck it. Hello. Yeah, welcome with a short one. I won't be able to go to my fucking audition. You see things for what they are. When you call me for an audition for an ambiguous character now,

he's a homeless guy, just going there and be you. Just have fun with that. Do me a favor. Where is it? 430, down in Santa Monica, let me answer you a question. Would you send your mother down there in 430? No, I wouldn't. And what the fuck you're sending me down to 430? Call these people back and say I'm available tomorrow 1115. If not, I won't go.

And it's a horrible request in our mind. But we, What's the word we pro-qualified the fucking thing. For some people, they'd say that we pre-qualified it, that we already lost. For some people, you and I, I look at it and go, how's this going to change my life? Right. How's just going to change my fucking life?

The only thing I'm doing this for is for insurance. That's basically it. I'm doing this for insurance, so I can hit that number every year to get level one or two. I'm not doing this because I really want it. by the way, people. Owen Benjamin just gave me a look that I recognize. It's a look that's telling me,

whew-hmm. What's that? Oh, that's crazy high? Yeah, it's, let's hit you. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, but it's cool. Like, all your story.

One more water? Because you're such a descriptive talk or that everything you're saying, I'm like literally seeing in my head. It's really fun. Well, it's just so weird, Owen, that you see things. I look at this, and I go, where's it? I got to, this shoots, and,

like, I got a call today, something about seeing me, Valley. It's not going to happen. Right. It's not going to happen. Your radius for travels. Yeah. You're crazy. It's not going to happen. At this point, if it's not at like, no, unless you're looking at,

unless you can Skype it. Unless I'm picking up on emblem, Seamy Valley is not going to work. I'll tell you on Tuesday. That's where all those cops were for OJ. That's what they're up from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so weird how people call me. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're doing this thing Thursday. I keep getting this kid on Facebook. It hits me up every two weeks.

Hi, I got a show done at the Playhouse Theater in Santa Monica, at 10 o'clock at night. Listen, that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. It's at Bakersfield in 15 minutes. Yeah, no, it's, you look at things for what the fuck they are after a while. You know, you look at your schedule. You know what you're going to want to do and what you're not going to want to do.

You know, this shoots at Fox. Do I really want to go to fucking Fox? Sit there for four days and one of those fucking cabinets they give you that smell like ass and shit. And then put up with this. director telling me, I can't use that line. You know what? It's weird. It's almost like you go, like when you're poor as a kid and then you start doing better,

then you go back to the trailer park when you become a star. Isn't that kind of funny? Yeah. Like they're living in trailers. Like, it's like you end up back in a trailer park. A fucking trailer. And I love acting. I love all that shit.

But at the end of the day, now with the new after rates and shit, you look at this and you know what time this is. I'm getting fucked in the ass. Right. I'm getting fucking in the ass with this. Unless this is a role I'm really going to enjoy doing. Or unless, you know, I'm doing a favor. Nine out of ten times, I totally a thousand times.

My best part of auditioning is booking something. I hate when I have to do the job. I just love booking it. I love getting, like, all of them saying you booked it. Once I got to go, I got to go to a wardrobe tomorrow. Jesus fucking Christ. All that shit bothers me. especially now after being here

this long. You just see it for what it is and it's a horrible attitude. I do not recommend it to anybody, but it's the same way in life. You start seeing things for what the fuck they are. You know, as you get older, that boss is really a fucking scumbag.

Absolutely. Why the fuck am I doing this job? I'm going to put away my own money and start my own business doing this. I'm over here doing this, making this guy a millionaire. You start seeing things for what the fuck they are. So, you know, with me, over the years, when you first get here,

let's just talk about Hollywood to just narrow it down for people. You do all these things in the beginning. You really fall for, you know, how many times have you gotten up, gotten dressed, to go to a meeting, and the guy tells you's got a low budget, a lot of a day movie, and you got two days on it. And you want to look at the guy and go, so you couldn't tell me this on the phone?

Right. And you couldn't email this fucking banana script, this fucking banana script. And then after a while, you start seeing those meetings and going, I'm not going to that. Right. I'm not going to that at 4.30. I'm not going.

You start eliminating stuff from your life, you know. For years, I would get here in comics who called me all day. How do you do this? How do you get a role in the fucking movie? You got to work. And you're telling me the advice, and they'd still bust your balls. Now nobody calls. You know, they saw it for what it was.

I saw it for what it was, you know, with my day. I don't like a lot of fucking movement. But I know that going in. Ever since I was a kid, I always like working close to where I live. I never understood people who drove an hour to work. And, you know, that's four fucking hours, two hours each way.

At one point, you're going to go, I'm not doing this no more. Now you don't have a fucking job. That's like you're living in your car at that point. It's kind of like when we're talking about the vacations. Like you're just sitting in a tube in the sky most of the time. It's like, yeah, my wife, she would have to drive to Irvine back and forth every day.

She was an engineer and there wasn't a lot of jobs. So she had to take that one. And it got it to the point where she was like, she'd come home just crying. She was like, I just live in a little box in the highway. You know, that's fucking, and so she's done. She was like, fuck that. No.

And people, it takes people a long time to understand it. And they can't get away from it. But I always recommend to people that my life changed when I started being accountable. for it. You know, people lose weight when they start being accountable for their diets. People lose, you know, when you sit down and you're right, your budget. The same thing also happens for your time. If you get a notebook, write out with, like, if you look at my notebook and you talk to me, like if you call me, you don't even need a GPS. I tell you exactly where I am in my

notebook. That's exactly where I'm going to be every fucking day. I got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday, Friday. I tell you what time I'm fucking arriving. I tell you what time I've got to be here on Monday, what time I've got to leave my house for the airport. You know just from looking at it. And I stick to it. And if nothing is in that realm, I don't do it.

You know, people call me all the time, hey, I got a podcast, can you do it? Where is it tape? Culver City. Listen, I love you to death. I got to get something in Culver City to go down there. I can't. Not money.

I don't want money from you, but I got to get an audition to something. I got to bring a suit back. Yeah, yeah. I just can't go to Colbert City, especially on my whole days over here. You know, 10 years ago, we would get involved in that and say, what the fuck? Why did I even do this, you know? Now you have a wife and a child. I have friends that call me and they go, hey, man, can you do my podcast?

Absolutely. What time? Six o'clock in fucking Beverly Hills. That's not going to happen. I got to eat dinner with my fucking family. You know what I'm saying? They're a priority shift. So you change.

You change all this. shit and you look at your time. My time in my head, ever since I was a fucking junkie, the time in my head was always valuable. For some reason, it was always valuable. I don't know how people have all this time to, like when you tell me you take a train downtown or you take a fucking car ride to go eat dumplings, I don't fathom that in my mind. But then I think about when I was 19, I used to take a two-hour drive to get a fucking Rosebeep sandwich from down the Jersey show.

Right. And for me, like the train won't so much the driving, but the train is like an example of what I was talking about, like trying to over, overthink something. Like, oh, I'm going to take the train to Hollywood to save time and to save $10 on parking. But then you have to wait 20 minutes for the train. And then there's 18 stops and there's 1,000 people on the train and what you save, five bucks. So just might as well just drive down there. I know it's like these people that take the train over here in North Hollywood. Right. they walk three blocks to park to save a quarter.

Why'd you get the car? Right. I mean, there's Mercedes back there. They parked BMWs back there. If I've made a monthly payment to a BMW Mercedes, I'd have it right next to the train under the fucking cameras and people to see that fucking car. But that's just me.

I'd figure it into my monthly budget. Hold on one second. Let me call fucking Hollywood Transit and see how much it costs to park. So I don't have to act like a fucking young. and parked three miles away so I could save 15 fucking cents. I never understood those fucking pay. Listen, man, there's so many things you don't fucking understand.

And after a while, you go, you know what? I don't even have time to think about it no more. I'm just not going to pay attention to these fucking morons. No. Jesus, right. What's the matter, Lee? Nothing. You're sweating.

You know. I'm just a little high. You're fucking red already. What happened, Lee? You're falling apart on me. All is gone. She's on a cruise ship. Eating that fucking dead.

death food they give you on there. It's scary. I didn't want to telephone before she left, but there's a cruise ship right now. Like, whenever I think of something is going to be fun, I think what you would say, if I told you I was doing it,

and after that hot tub thing, I went and I was like, okay, maybe a cruise would be fun. What was the hot tub thing? Hot tub thing. I got in a hot tub on an Airbnb, and I got a sty. So, like, the only I would get the one.

He got a sty, he got fungus on his head. I'd be the, you got a fucking, you ever said commercial with the guy with the shingles. Yeah. He comes in,

He's like, how you're doing today? He's like, not good. No, that was here. You got it from a hot tub? From a hot tub? I mean, fucking Big Bear. Because the Airbeet and B to save 10 bucks like a fucking Puerto Rican. Next time, get in a hotel, and they're fucking justifiable.

But you're paying 60 bucks and sleep in a hotel. What do you think these people do with these Airbnb people? You think they really fucking scrub and dub the house? No. If that person, you know, they'll just put the fucking double sheet on, they won't wipe the top. So if that fucking nasty motherfucker's got lice, Now he's living in the floorboard or the headboard.

Right, yeah. And that's why I was thinking about cruises. It's like face herpes. Yeah, it's the worst. And then, and then it always, everything always happens with Joey, like the day of a podcast. I see Joey maybe two, maybe three times a week and I'll be fine. And the rest of the week I'm fine. The day before I see Joey, I wake up, I'll have like a huge pimple on my, just anything to give him an ammunition against me.

But, like, this cruise ship that just docked in Maine with, like, a close. quarter of the people had like the worst stomach full of ignoral virus or whatever that fuck and I was like oh you can't call on cruises yeah they're kind of like shit boats they're just full there's so much shit in a cruise what do you think of an airplane

this pretty soon people are going to be able to get herpes on their planes and HIV they don't clean those fucking things either no anything they wipe them down in between flights no you ever see a southwest flight fucking land you get right back on it you don't see no smoke coming out

of it or no DDT you see Chinese people coming out with masks and shit you know those fucking planes are filthy fucking filthy those fucking planes they don't do dick maybe at night they spray them on international flights which I don't know but I don't I'm not international so I don't know what they do on those flights but I see one of American Airlines when your plane has a problem also they bring another one from the gate I'm gonna see people in there rubbing down the seats in first class on coach or spraying anything. They pick up loose papers and fix

the seat belts, but that's it. Yeah, there's like drool and shit everywhere. Because when you're on a long flight, you get it dirty. No, I have handy wipes. I got everything. I got a little fucking sprayer with liceaw. I get out. I got my carry on. Fuck you. I wipe down the seat. Fuck you. You're going to have to wait, cuck, suck. I don't give a fuck.

I used to work in movie theater. They would never clean anything. Like, all we would do is sweep the popcorn under the seats in front of it. So, like, I don't think anyone cleans anything. No, they don't clean dick. And those Airbnbs, a hot tub from 1940. How many things shot? Loads were shot in that fucking thing. I see a hot tub in 84. You're safe. Right before the head broke out, you're fucking safe. But now you got a fucking hot tub. You know, God knows what the fuck's in it, unless it's modern. Yeah, there's some AIDSy hot tubs out there.

There is? Well, I mean, there's like some shit where you look at it and you're like, that's a fucking dirty hot tub. Oh, no. Well, it's a dirty, motherfuckers. Those hotel hop-top? You go in there. That's malaria from little kids. Little moms go in there with fucking dirty, filthy fucking kids. Really? I was going to say that hotels would be cleaner because they have to keep them clean. Well, if you go to a fucking, listen,

if you go to a four-season, which, you know, I'm not Johnny four-season, but if you go to the four-season on one of those high four-star chains, you know, where you're not going to see that many kids. You know, when I travel during the week, what do we get those three stars, whatever the fuck they give us that a comedy,

Yeah, I mean, like the condos, those are fucking dirty. Oh, yeah, the condos are fucking filthy. But the hotels that we stay at, if there's kids and they're jumping up and down the pool and the jacuzzi, you got a problem. When you go to those four seasons or those higher-end hotels, you don't see that many kids. It's adults and business people doing laps. We've heard a lot of stories about like the La Jolla condo, but what about, like, what are some other condos like that are, like, throughout the over? Cleveland's got an interesting condo. What do they do?

Well, it's just like right across from the strip club, which is across from the improv. And it's just you go in there and it's just some dark shit's happening there. You can just feel it. So the Cleveland Improv has a bad condo. Well, I kind of like it just because I don't know. It's kind of convenient to shit, but it just has that vibe of like. When was the last time you were in Cleveland? Last year, maybe two years ago.

Okay. So, okay. So this is the powerhouse. right here, right? This is the powerhouse building where Cleveland is. Yeah. The strip club is right here. Okay, it's right across.

You have to, like, walk something right in the river there. It's on the water. Yeah, it's right on the water, yeah. And then you walk this way here and there's a building. And that's where the condo still is, like on the second or third floor. But right across from it at this little bar. There's that little dingy. It's like, yeah, it's like an Irish name or some shit.

Yeah. That bar is fucking. That condo's not bad. Yeah, I like it. I used to get fucked up in that condo. But there's just like broken shit. Like there's a broken table? That was 15 fucking years ago.

You know, that was the last time I was in that fucking condo, guess what I watched? The first time I ever watched The Sopranos. So 1999. Wow. Was the last time I was in that fucking car. No, I'm lying to you. I was there after the longest yard.

And I basically went there for three days to get fucking six. sizzled out of my brain. That was one of the places where when I left the hotel room to take the plane, I was paranoid to even leave the building. Like the whole ride to the hotel, I kept thinking, jumping out of the car.

The strip club, they have a free lunch. Right? A prime rib lunch? Yeah, they still have. Tell me they still have the prime rib lunch. Yeah, they definitely have like a big food thing going on. That's 20 fucking years. the first time I went there to Cleveland

was 1999. I went from Miami Improv, which was like a paradise. People doing blow, people drinking, people fucking in the bathrooms. The bar stayed open until two. It was across the street. I never forget I went,

so I was in Miami. Is that Coconut Grove? Coconut Grove. This is when Coconut Grove, though, was Coconut Grove. Before fucking they turned into all, and the cops fucking closed it up. This is when Coconut Grove was, you know,

the first time I went to that Miami Improv, it was Tuesday through Sunday, and it was the summer of 99. And the first time I went to that Miami Improv, the way I went, it was a condo. Yeah. At that time, they were still putting me in condos, and they put me in this condo.

And it was the Tuesday night show. And I got out, and they said, do you want food? and I was embarrassed and I go now and I walked back to the condo and I stayed in the condo and I was fucking starvingly. The next one I got up and I walked over and got breakfast at the news. This was, did you ever go there when that place was across the street from it? The news, something news. I forget what it was.

And Lee, I was a fee track making fucking four or five hundred dollars a week and breakfast was $20. My head almost blew up. My head almost blew up. Coconut Grove was a heavy-duty area at the time. Heavy fucking duty. I mean, everything came home was $3 for a soda. I mean, there was really nothing. Back then, that's crazy.

This is crazily. This was when Coconut Grove was Coconut Fucking Grove. You know that hotel up the corner from Miami Improv? Yeah. That's where the fucking Knicks and the NBA team stay. That's what type of hotel is up there. Heavy-duty security cameras, valet parking. They had a shield.

The only people who stayed there, Richard Jenny I forget. Miami Improv only had two comics that stayed at that hotel. Everybody else stayed at the Newport or on whatever the fuck it is there. But that Wednesday I went there

and again I pulled the same stunt. I left there hungry and I went back. Thursday was an 8 o'clock show and I left there again. This night I said, fuck you. I'm going to find the fucking bodega. I walk three blocks and Lee and it was like being in New York City. in what way people everywhere

it was one in the morning and there were people fucking everywhere everywhere girls dancing pizza places I kept walking the wrong way I kept walking through a residential area but if I walked a different way

you know and all of a sudden I bumped into waiters from the pocket improv and waitresses and they're making me go to this other bar and next you know they're telling me if I want to to buy blow for three days I sat in that room in Miami with no blow no booze I didn't know nobody and it became this fucking city it was amazingly Lee amazing and you could get the one bar where they used to hang you'd get dolphin mahi mahi on a fucking seeded bun with mayonnaise and coleslaw you have no fucking idea oh and benjamin oh and benjamin is starting to see the devil

ladies and jones i love it that's my boy out of fucking new york and shit but The moral story was I went from this nightlife the first time because the second time I went to Miami, I was crazy. I went from there to Cleveland to work Cleveland like January 2nd to January 9th. It was like a seven-day Tuesday. Cleveland's probably just as exciting in early January. Oh my godly. When I pulled up, it was freezing. There was snow on the ground.

I went in and the goofy dude that the door goes, come here. he goes, here's some passes. You get free lunch at the strip club. Again, when you're a free traffic and you're getting $500 a weekly, a free lunch is a free lunch. It's going to cost you somewhere. It's going to cost you the first time I went in there.

These fucking strippers were disgusting. And one of them was cutting the meat. She was big black. They had a stripper cutting the meat? She was big black and fat. And she was cutting the meat herself and putting her fingers in it and eating it and shit. And fucking.

and the fucking meat was pink and the potatoes, you know, people were sticking their fingers in the potatoes. I just ran out of that. And that was it. But I had a fucking, there's nothing around that. But if you walk up that hill, if you walk to the corner, and if you walk out of that building and make a fucking left and walk up that hill and make another left

and keep walking three blocks up is where you find civilization. It's a Puerto Rican neighbor. So I bought a couple nickel bags, and I bought some fucking food up there, and I didn't know it. That's the second biggest Puerto Rican population in the country is Cleveland, because in the 50s,

they brought Puerto Ricans to work up in Ohio on the car manufacturers. So all those Puerto Ricans stayed there. Not that you give a fuck, but if you ever go to Cleveland, you got a Puerto Rican friend. That's what I'm telling you. That's the last time I was in fucking Cleveland.

But the first time I went, I was in the condo with a headliner. The second time I went, I was the headline and I was in there by myself. And I remember watching the soprano Sunday night. And like, no, you know how they play the sopranos during the week in those days? The episodes, like they play the episode on Sunday, but during the week they kept playing it, that's the first time.

I was just watching TV one night. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Do you remember the episode? No. No, it was like episode five, maybe. One of those that was early on. But the funny thing was, when I first moved to LA, I was doing comedy. I was at the comedy, so I signed with his manager named Ken Phillips.

And between you and I, he was half-retarded. He had a company in Georgia, and he sold it. And he took the money and just wanted to move out of him and become a comedy manager. He bought a bunch of suits. He bought a fucking Range Rover. He had the wife with the fake tits. And then he fucking sent me on little gigs. And I went to New York one time, and he got to.

me a showcasing governors. He got me a showcase in Carolines, and he called me back, and he goes, hey, I just got off the phone with this guy, and they want to see you in the city for this show called The Sopranos. He goes, I don't know what it's about. Just make a tape and take it to them.

This is the address, and I'm like, I'm not dropping a fucking tape off about singers and shit. So I didn't drop at all. See what happens? For being fucking lazy? Oh, and we're feeling all right? Yeah, I'm just...

Get some air? Nah, I'm fucking crazy high, though. Okay. You want me to... You want more water? Yeah, thanks. Let's do some water. Fuck.

I told you. You want to eat two. I saved you because I like you. I'm one of the few guys in comedy I behave around it. You and Steve Byrne. I like his both. Your gentleman and shit. That's why I wanted to have you on the show.

Every time I see him Benjamin, I always behave myself as a comic. I don't say a fucking word because he's such a nice guy. Really? Thanks. You and Steve Burton. One time I flipped out in front of Steve Byrne, not at Steve Byrne, I went off on a guy in front of Steve Byrne, and I'll never forget turning around how Steve Byrne looked at me.

I got in my car and almost cried. What do you do? He wasn't upset. I still talked to him about it. He goes, no, you just, I was going through my own shit. That same guy was at the comedy store Saturday night. He gave me a canister full of weed, and we talked. It was just a misunderstanding.

He was a manager at the store, and I was going through my fucking bullshit in 2006. What happened? I probably went up there to get Coke and nobody was up there. And a couple days earlier, Paulie Shaw, this guy was Pauli's assistant back in the day. And on Friday night, remember Paulie Shore had the show on TBS? Yeah. Pauli Store, whatever it was, on Friday night, the people from TBS were there.

And they were sitting in the audience. So Pauli started taking people off the list. who they didn't want on the list. I was one of them, and Joe Rogan was one of them. At the time, Joe had just paid for a stereo system for the room or some shit. I don't know the exact story. And Joe was the reason that the room was packed every Friday night. It really was.

This is back in the Myspace days, guys. This was way before a podcast. You know, he had already a great internet presence at the time. I had no idea what an internet presence was. So on this night, Joe went down there, the room was sold out, and somebody had to tell him he wasn't going up. As a matter of fact, I was down there first, and they told me, and I just waited around to see what was going to happen with Joe.

I was actually going to throw salt in there and start a fucking riot. But it didn't happen. I stood by the door with my back to them, and I heard them explaining it to him, and then Paulie came down, and he kind of started saying some fucked up shit. What was he saying? Like, fuck. you, you know, the reason

why they're here is for me, they're not here for you. Stuff that was just wrong. It was just totally inaccurate. I'm the type of guy. If you want to talk shit, Owen, then you can back it, talk it. If you're right, you're right. I'll give me your props. But if you come in here going, Joey, I saw more tickets than Kevin Hart.

I got to look at you and go, oh, ugh. You know what I'm saying? Stop it, Owen. Stop. I like you. What are you fucking busting my ball for? You know I ate six stars? How can you handle six times? Because we're in training on, Benjamin.

You understand me? I'll give you a bag to go, and then you'll be in training, and you'll be a soldier of the church. This is fucking so. People will see it. Now when they see you, they'll bring you something for your baby, and the best edible that city has to make. And they're going to say, we heard you on the church.

Here you go. You're in training. Nice. I'm training hard. It's a fit bit. They'll bring your acid. Yeah, they'll bring your acid, mushrooms, all the fun stuff.

You can take in the hotel room by yourself before you see your job. I just lose my fucking. Sure. With an iPod. Yeah. Stron some pink foy, just fucking take it off. And that's it. It's over. We don't do that much shit no more like that. We don't go back to the room and put music on and sit there and meditate.

But what are we talking about? No. So they were going off on Joe. I turned my back just so if I had to take a lie detector test, always turn your back on Benjamin. So you could say, I really didn't see nothing. I turned around. He was on the floor. I don't know nothing.

But wouldn't they say, like, did you hear him hitting somebody? I don't know. I don't know. A lot of type of test. They can't commit. The main thing is, do you see anybody get hit? No, I didn't. Why not?

There was a fucking shooting start. I got to teach you everything Lisa at. So I turned my back. I thought it was going to go down. This guy wasn't a bad guy. My head was in the wrong place. I was a little sick and tired of the comedy store. I didn't like what they had done that night.

And to be honest, you never like to see your friends get shit on for no reason. So I kind of felt bad, but I always had it out for that guy. And I always had it out for Paul. And when I went to the store, maybe a month after that, and he said something to me, and I took it the wrong way and started going off on him. And we grabbed each other, and we yelled at each other. And, you know, I said some dumb shit. And then when I turned around, Steve Byrne was right there.

I never felt so fucking embarrassed in my life. I always apologized to him after that for him. going off on somebody like him, but the guy was going off on me. I left the store shortly after that and didn't go back until about a year ago. And Saturday, as I walk in the check-in, he's sitting in the back row. And I came down, I went to the bar and got a warden. When I came back, he was in the hallway, he gave me a big hug.

I asked him how Hawaii was. He says he moved to Northern California. And he said he brought me some goodies, and he gave me a little film canister, like the 80s, filled with this fucking pretty good reefer. He said he said his brother found the seed in a garage sale or something. And it was an Afghanistan seed, and he's been growing it and shit ever since. So sometimes, you know, it was water under the bridge.

Yeah, good ending. What are you going to do? Yeah. You can only try. Talk to me about this piano thing. What do you want to know? Yeah, I said I played piano and you looked like did you wanted to play? Oh, it killed me.

When I was a kid, my mother. baptized a girl. And I would spend my summers with those that girl's family in Miami. And her mom was a big-time college professor in Cuba. And after she got married and stuff, and she had kids,

then she exiled to the United States. Now that she had kids, she wasn't a teacher or a professor anymore, but she still had that state of mind. So when I would spend my summers in Miami, She would basically tell me, by the way, from 9 to 12 every day, we do school work. Like, there's no fucking going out and playing. There's nothing.

You got two options. You go do schoolwork, or you go and they'll be a laborer for Rodolfo. And you're like, wait a second. So if I be a laborer for Rodolfo, I got to be there all day with them picking up boards and getting bit by dogs and shoveling and shit. Or I could stay here and do three hours of schoolwork. Even at that age, I figured out it would help. me. So I would stick around, but she had three kids. Me and the two kids would do schoolwork while the girl

played the piano. And let me tell you something, her mother would fucking chastise her to no fucking end for perfection because she was doing... No, no, that's that fucking other song. She was doing some fucking Chalkowski type thing at some college at the age of 12. But I'll never forget how much the mother used to torture that girl, how much they went back and forth.

But the discipline that she had to have always stuck in my mind. Yeah, mine wasn't, my upbringing wasn't like that. I just played it. Yeah, it's what I was drawn to. It's like we didn't have a TV for part of my childhood, so we just had a piano and my dad sang opera. So that's how we got along. And I just liked it.

I always liked playing it. Never professionally, never thought about it? No, I mean, I had my piano teacher, was a woman named Lucinda, and when I was 11, for Halloween, she went as a dude, and then she got a sex change. So I always thought it was funny because it's like, if you're going to first have a sex change, do it on Halloween because it was like an easier transition. But so then I got taught, it was the same person taught me as a woman and then as a man.

And that's when I got fascinated by like gender, because it's like I got to see a whole different brain. You know, it's like on testosterone, it was a much different person. Now, what year was this? 1991. I don't around that time, either 60 minutes of 2020, had a whole thing.

I had just gotten separated, and I was home, and I was miserable. And 2020 had a thing about a woman, the whole transition, the man, the whole... So she was a woman first, and then became a man.

Yeah. What was her new name? Larry, still friends with him. Great, dude. But yeah, it was... How was his life now? Is he married? read?

Uh, yeah, he has a wife. A boyfriend. Wife. Uh, yeah, just chilling. Just happy, plays piano. I don't know. All that shit, I don't know.

It's fascinating. How old were you when you were, when that happened? 11. You got balls of steel kid. Around the same time, I wasn't a piano teacher, but my friend, my dad's friend had a friend who, like, we'd always be at this place. And it was a guy who was, I don't know if he was transitioning to be a woman, but he was dressing like a woman.

and it didn't freak me out but I was just, I was thinking I was around that age I just didn't understand it. It was confusing. Yeah. See, I grew up with dudes who put wigs on and just put scotch tape around their dick and took their champ.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know if they did the complete check. And sometimes you'd see them and they'd have glasses on with a suit and sometimes you'd see them they were clean shaving with a wig on. You know, it was always an adventure. Spanish people got wild of imaginations.

They just don't commit, you know. The whole fucking, I've never really known anybody who made the transition in front of me. That's very interesting. Because I see all this transgender stuff and now you hear about North Carolina and all the bathrooms. And I'm in the back of my mind, I'm going,

I don't see these many transgenders. Right. You go to Hollywood by Yum Yum Donuts. That's right there on Beverly. That's where it's crackleck it. That's where you see the whole neighborhood. They're hitting it. And they're not even really.

really not full committed. You could tell that they just... They're just weekend warriors. They're just weekend warriors and shit. Weekend. Weekend warriors. Fuck. Did he ever explain himself to you and pull your side and go listen,

next week? It's going to be a fucked up week. No, that's why she did it on Halloween. Because then it was like, oh, where are you doing? But she didn't skip a beat? Like, there was no, there was no hint. Like, there was no listen. We never even talked about it.

I think I was right at that age where I... You didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. No, you don't give a fuck. I literally didn't care at all. So I just, it just never came up, really. I'm trying to think if I ever. My mom had friends that were gay, like flamingly gay, you know, but nothing to that that I was, you know, I knew a guy that put a wig on.

That freaked me out a little bit. You know, it took some time to adjust that ass a few people. But besides that, I never. really had somebody who I thought there was a lot of preparation into having a gender operation. I thought that there was a lot of psychological. You have to go through your psychological evaluation. They give you hormones. Right now where I live, the people across the street from me, they're dabbling in something.

I don't know what the fuck it is. I have no idea. He says he's a pilot on one of those charter planes. Listen, if you're a man and you're a man. you come into my plane as the pilot as Lucille on Monday. I can't trust you with my fucking plane. Right. I can't. You're confused.

You're not confused. I don't know. I just can't. I'm not saying nothing bad. I'm just saying that he's been home a lot more since he became a woman. I'll tell you that much. And he gained a lot of weight. I don't know if he cut his dick off. I know his hair is down. I know the cheekbones

are high. I know that his voice changed a little bit. And I know he stays in a lot more tremendous. Yeah, those things are strong going. Yeah, you just relax. This is the devil here tonight. This is it. This is as good as it gets, people.

It's a fucking Monday night on the church of what's happening now. Where's Tony Bennett? Did you even line it up tonight? I know you didn't. See? You're fucking slipping, Lysayette. Thank God Owen Benjamin's on the show tonight. Let's smoke this fucking bowl while Lysiad does this thing.

You want to take a hit of this? Owen Benjamin. This will get the blood pressure down. Another hit oh, and he's saying I can really fucking function Oh yeah, no, no, this is a time I want to be around This is it, baby

To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody Twice as small Do you guys get this at Is this like weird No somebody who will swear to be true

as you used to do with me They're calling you a new soldier in training That's right You got like eight stars Your main start down on the yeah Fuck yeah That's it You're the man of steel today

The full, what happened to Tony Bennett? That was quick I turned them off because you're coming back Oh, I'm just, I just went to open the door to give my main man some mayor because I've been where he's been. Thank God you didn't pop the second one. He wanted to eat another one.

I go, no, no, no, no. Just see how this one taste you. You know, I know you live down the beach. I see you out of the night smoking. I figured you can handle it. Relax for a little while. You ain't driving. You can't drive.

Right. The car, you got to go all the way to the 90. Forget about it. I got a probiotic in here. I got some green juice. How long did those usually around for? Only couple hours. Oh yeah, you're all right.

Is it for a while? Sure. No, you. Oh, yeah, we don't fuck around here, oh, buddy. This is why this is the church of what's happening now, today. I thought you fucking knew. That's why I asked you when you called. Do you smoke some refra?

I remember one night I saw you out there, puffing and shit. Yeah, no, I like a, I like vaping. patents and shit. But it's the edibles. I haven't done an edible in a fucking while. Oh, then yeah, this is like fucking watching a Hitchcock movie. You'm saying? This is like, you're in the birds right now.

You see Jungle Book 3D? I think I am right now. Yeah. Then relax. Just sit tight. We got your back. Just drink some water. I let the air open for you so you don't get anxiety. Have you seen Captain America yet, Joey?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You should have seen me. Going up and down and fucking going on my little shirt on. Get the fuck out of here. I got better shit to do than going to see fucking Captain America. Look at the reefer we're smoking tonight. We are Captain America. This is it. Don't get no

better than this. What are you going to do? It was a Monday night here. It's a Monday fucking night. Can you imagine running with Uncle Joey on a Friday? You have a heart attack. Where are you going this week? This week I'm going to beautiful fucking Sacramento, California. That should be fun.

Very excited. I like that little rumor. It's a small room. They got the sushi joint. I got Red Lopsin. I got the habit. I got the menu plan for three days. You understand me? They give you that little half of Hindu breakfast at the hotel.

The eggs smell like fucking God knows what. Close your eyes. You inhale them and you pray for the best. At lunchtime, somebody picks you up. You go for a little walk around the neighborhood. And at night you got Red Lobster with a bunch of black people who I love. Nobody's more passionate about fucking Red Lopsin and black people in Sacramento. They go bananas in it.

That one specifically, they love it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I used to, right when Paula and I first got together, she lived in Inglewood, and when I would drop her off on Sundays, we'd go to eat sometimes, and they had Applebee's and a Red Lobster, and black people that would come out in their church clothes. I used to go on, I used to, like, I used to sometimes tell the mom to not cook, be so we could go and watch, but, like, it was the best thing I've ever seen. Applebee, I didn't.

We never went to Red Lobster, but Applebee's was hysterical. They had a red lobster on Worshublobond. No, they didn't really? Yes, they did years ago. Years ago. Me and my wife came back. My wife picked me up at the airport. This is me and my wife lived in a one bedroom

with the fucking 19 cats. I made like a bonus somewhere, and I remember going, let me take you out to lunch. I took it to that red lofts, and it was filled with black people. I loved it. I mean, I didn't get pissed off. No, it's laughing and giggling.

They were dancing. They had the whole fucking thing. Oh, when Benjamin coming back, he's coming back. He's making a comeback. like Jerry Lewis. This is good shit. These stars are the stars of death,

I'm Benjamin. Trust me, I'm fucked up right now myself. How many did you take? I took, what, six? Five. Are you serious? Sure. How do you guys do that?

This is, don't, this is it. We've been in training right now for about, for almost four years, five years. Oh, my God. Lee started at 30 edibles and smoking hash out of a can. Look where he is today. He's a successful podcast tour,

and he's eating fucking 700 milligrams a week. A week? A night. Whatever the fuck. But you're having a good time. You're in training. You're breathing. You're throwing up kettlebells.

Yeah, I'm really bummed out that I'm like, this is the first time in a sport that I've actually kind of like it. And we've been doing snatches, and I suck at them. So like today I was watching videos. It's weird. I get competitive with myself with that stuff. And I don't like that I'm not good at it. Well, here's the good thing about where you're going. The good thing about where you're going, that he's got a great philosophy.

Oh, he's amazing. He's an amazing guy. He's an ex-New York firefighter, and he's committed his life to this. If you see this guy, I'm his age or he's four years older, tell him what he was doing the other day. Hanging from, like, he does pull up hangs for like three minutes. You just hang this guy's an amazing shape. Oh, yeah. A sweetheart of a guy.

Dave is a sweetheart of a guy. but he's got a different philosophy to training, especially the guys like myself and Lee. We're not looking to go to the Olympics. He's like, look, whatever you can't do, you can't do today. But a week or two, you'll be able to do. He gets mad if you say can't. Yeah, he gets pissed on.

He'll make other people do push-ups. So it's just really weird. That's the philosophy as. Also, Lee and I train before. You want to take a walk? You're right? Yeah, I'm going to take a while. Get some man right there.

Get some man on the back one. and take your water with you just in case you fucking, you know, you want to dehydrate a little bit. You'll be all right. This happens. It's the best. It's better than the people who, like, don't take it. Yeah, people love you.

You're a hero. So the problem is here that his philosophy was, A, it's not going to work today. Let's modify the movement so you could get it. Right? That's what he would say. He modifies the movement. Right, yeah, absolutely. So at least you could work on that.

muscle and B he had a different philosophy when it came to kettlebells he has a he had a philosophy of he never wanted to over train you know class today was like 35 minutes I stayed after to practice he never really wanted to overtrain you he always wanted you leaving going really that's it yeah get the fuck out of it stretch your back and get the fuck out of it and it may so it's gone with me now today like today I was supposed to do kettlebells but I got busy I took a nap I had to go get my hair fucking done for the stage on Wednesday. I had to do a thousand things. Little stupid.

He abandoned shit. There's the real deal of church, you know? I don't think he knows the code. I think we're okay. No, he's okay. This is happy duty. Those fucking stars, we eat. As a matter of fact, give me the bag. I'm going to eat another one out of respect for this poor kid.

Okay. What do you think? I'm not eating it alone. I'm not. I'm not doing my partner in crime. I think of all this. I respect for you people. You know, I love you at all my heart. I hope you have a good week. I'm meeting this star on a fucking solo tip just to let you know.

We ain't fucking around no more. 2016 is the year the church, bitches, all right? Take her to fucking leave it. I ain't got time for this shit no more. Your attitude should be like my attitude. It's over. We're taking over this bitch. Right or wrong, cock-sucker.

We're drinking water for. Absolutely. You're going on a plane or something? What's with the water? I was drinking. Okay. No, but he was just saying like you have to, he's have to start somewhere, and it's, like, this is the first time in this that I've struggled. Like, I've struggled with certain aspects of it, but this is the first move that I really just, I'm just sucking at.

I can't believe the dynamic that working out has added to my stand-up in the last seven years. Like, if you look at my career, my career really started rock. and roll as a personal for me when I started working out. It gives you an extra form of confidence. You feel like you're standing higher. After 90 days, if you stick with a routine or something, you do feel fucking different. They don't tell you that just for their health.

I'm not telling you this because I'm telling you this because I'm living here right now. Right. You know, a year ago, I couldn't go to two jujitsu in a week. Just couldn't do it. Now you're going to two in a day. Now I'm going to two classes in a day. Sometimes, you know, tomorrow I'm going to go to one, and Wednesday I'm going to go to two.

You know, it's always something. I always, I'm doing something. But it's amazing, you know, what little strides become, you know, little commitments become big fucking commitments. I've always fucking said that. But I can't believe the dynamic working out has added to my life in general. It gets me perked up. It makes me stick to all my other goals. Like if I could go somewhere and wrestle for an hour

I could, for four hours, I could do so many fucking things. I write so much in the afternoons now. It's fucking pathetic. Is it because you overcome a fear? Like, that's what we were talking about today. He thinks my main problem with it is I'm just scared of it getting close to my head so I'm trying to catch it. And I know you've talked about judo is to get over your fear of the breathing.

So is that like overcoming a fear just like motivates you? Yeah, but I also realized something today. I'm going to have surgery. July from my nose. Tomorrow I'm going to go for the seat scan at 9.30 in the morning. Okay. It's so weird how today

was the first time that I really realized that somebody said to me a couple weeks ago that I do struggle when I breathe from my nose. I can feel it now. When I walked, as ever since Dr. Belisa came in here and I read the book, I've been working more on my breathing exercises. And I

can feel it now sometimes when I'm breathing in that you know. It's not as strong It's not as strong But I'm struggling So now I'm looking forward To having this fucking surgery

And it's gonna fix your nose And you should be able to breathe normally A lot of people have told me They said listen man My friend had that now Life hasn't changed completely Like Dr. Lisa said oxygen is oxygen If you're not getting

If you're struggling to get it That's why your blood pressure is high There's so many fucking variables from it Could this fix your sleep happening in maybe? I don't think it's gonna fix to sleep apnea. I really don't. You know, even through all this working out of the last 70 years

that I've been doing, the sleep apnea has come and gone as far as what I'm able to do. When you're at your lightest, do you still have it? Like when you were at like 260? 270? Yes, I still had it. I was falling. That's interesting. Okay.

I was falling asleep on planes. The other day, I fell asleep on my couch. Fuck, I forgot to call this guy today. I fell asleep yesterday. And this poor kid called me two days in a row. The one day I got caught up doing something yesterday. I can fall asleep on my chair now. And you couldn't do that before?

No. What would happen? I would choke. Right away? Yeah. Oh, no. I could sleep for 40 minutes and I don't wake up scared that I'm not sleeping with the machine. And it really shocks myself.

The other night, I was telling you, I woke up in the middle of the night. I had to sleep batting the machine out. And I ate those edibles. Right. Okay, and we ate the star late, like tonight. Like, I just fucked up because that last start, not going to hit me through three in the morning. Right, yeah.

I'm going to wake up huffing and fucking puffing all goddamn night. So when I got up that night from being uncomfortable, I peed, and when I went back to bed, I could feel my heart beating from the edible, and I could feel that was still a little bit high. And all of a sudden, my mind played with the emotions from the edible. In what way?

Because all of a sudden, my mind started coming up with fucked up thoughts. Like my mind said to me, what happens if the sleep at the machine breaks right now? And all of a sudden, I started getting anxiety just thinking about that. Do you know you're high and then it's ridiculous or do you get swept up in it? Because I'll get swept up in it sometimes. If I get, I'll get so swept up and I got to take the mask off and stand up and go outside and get there and walk around. And then what pisses me off about that with frustrates. is that now I'm awake.

And now I'm thinking about tomorrow. I'm going to be ineffective in so many fucking different areas because I got to stay up for two fucking hours. This is what comes to my mind. And it's a never-ending circle of terrible thoughts. It's a never-ending circle of what comes into your mind. And once I'm laying horizontally and I get fear, I can feel my blood pressure and my tension and my heart beating.

So if I'm laying on my left side, I could feel my heart fucking bumping. I got to flip over. And by that point, now my mind is taking over. Now my mind is telling me this could be the beginning of a heart attack. So I get up and I pick up the fucking phone,

like the asshole I am, and I get my robe, and I stay in the living room, and wait for the fucking world then nothing happens. I get pissed off. I go in, I drink an aspirin. I fucking drink some water. You do not have aspirin? Yes, I do.

And then I sit down, right? Like a fucking momo. I sit there in the living room by myself, and eventually one of the fucking cats will come over because that's their peak hour. So they want to get petted. And I get frustrated at first and they jump on my lap.

But then I go, you know what? Wait this ago. He may be on to something. Because by me petting this little fucking cat, my anxiety might go away. And sure enough, it goes away. So then now I'm wide awake. I'm playing with Super Bad.

It's usually Super Bad or Dimmie that torment my life. So now I turn the TV on and I'm watching. Sometimes I got vinyl on DVR. I've been watching the People v. O.J. Simpson again. I was watching that. And then guess what it'll do, Lee? Guess what the genius that Uncle Joey does?

Oh, no. You don't take another edible, do you? No, I wouldn't. I'm not even that smart. I get up and go outside and I smoke two bowls of weeds. Guess what happens? Now it's 3.15 in the morning I'm sitting there and my world is ending. It's collapsing. I can't fucking breathe. And I got to drink a gallon of water

to calm down in the living room. Why two bowls? Who knows? Who knows? Because I'm a fucking idiot. And then I fucking... And then I fucking... At three in the morning.

I think of him an abandon ship. I think of his stuff is here. No. No, that's my sweatshirt. Oh. Well, thank you for coming, Owen. No, I don't know. Maybe he's outside.

Should I go to? No, no. Stay mind your business. So that's what I fucking do. So now I got to sit there for another hour while my heart's beating. And I got to take one of those fucking anxiety pills that Dr. gave me, one of those Larry pills.

And then I fucking calm down. I go back and I sleep like a baby until like 7.30. And my wife wakes me up and I'm running late. I'm telling you, it's going to happen tonight because I got to be somewhere at 9.30 tomorrow on one. Whenever I got to be somewhere in the mornings, I have a horrible fucking night. Yeah, I can't sleep. When I don't got to be somewhere next morning, I'm like Johnny fucking tired. Once I know I got to fucking be somewhere, I'll listen, I'm insomnia of Joe.

I can't fucking sleep. You can't. So many characters. Oh, please. There's a thousand fucking characters in my world. I got Insomnia Joe. I got fucking... Johnny Sleepy.

Johnny Sleepy. You know. I got like 10 fucking characters in my fucking personality trait. I would fail on Matt.com with those fucking morons. What's your personality? 18 of them. You need like 10 different Lincoln accounts. Johnny Reefer.

You know. Fucking. Joey Bad in bed. Joey one minute. Joey one minute. I like it. What's up with you, buddy? Just trying to put the pieces together.

Like I said, I've been trying to ride a lot more, trying to just get my fitness going a lot more, you know. Just trying to stick with what I'm doing over there. How's juts have been gone? Listen, I have bad days and I have good days. But the most important thing is that I'm consistent. And that was the ultimate goal in doing this. The same reason why you do.

join the kettlebell of the gym. First of all, I know you. You give somebody a yard. You're going to be that 801. Yeah. I know you. So, uh, this whole thing taught me a lot, this comedy thing. It taught me a lot. It taught me how easy life is, even though it was very hard. Because it taught me that sticking with something. And how hard that overcoming, if, if, if right now I look at the first eight years of my comedy. Right. I got to tell you how hard it really was. Like if you said to me, Joey, this is what you're going to do the next day.

He is, I'd tell you, I'm not going to fucking do it. But I'd do it all over again. And because I did this, it helps me understand how easy the system works, how easy life works. And this applies whether, let's say, you want to be a baker or a mechanic or whatever. You know, listen, man, yeah, I could walk into whatever motorcycle technology. or automobile. When you're 14, if that's what you like doing, you're 15, look at this kid Cassius Morris.

I wish I had the fucking brain that that kid had at a young age. Right. Because people, this is easy. It seems like it's a long time. When you come to me at lunchtime and go, Joy, can I ask you a question? What are you making an hour?

And I say, I'll make 15 an hour. And you go, fuck. I'm making six. How long until I get to make 15 an hour? And you're like, I've been working here for six. seven years you're like fuck seven years for nine bucks you know but then you

a smart motherfucker will say well I could work here learn the trade at the same time and who knows what will happen in seven years I could open up my own thing but the main thing is I don't think about the money right now see that's what I used to get caught up in when I was young I used to get caught up on how much are they paying me now because I never thought there was going to be a tomorrow. I always thought they were kidding me, but there really is a fucking tomorrow. But how do you,

especially when you're young, you need the money now. So how can you focus on tomorrow when rents do tomorrow? Putting the fucking blinders on. By putting blinders on and going, you know what, I'm going to stick with this. Because something good's going to happen. And then now, guess what happens, Lee?

That job you were doing five days a week? one of the guys from that shop recommended you so you could do weekend work somewhere else and you could make ten bucks an hour and hour at that place and you look at me and you go joey but i'm working seven days a week listen anything that you want to be good at you got to do seven days a week i wish i'd go to jitu seven days a week my body just can't handle it i went to jihitsu sunday it was basically an easy fucking class i rolled one time then we had to get out of there for mothers that I fucking had a hard time walking around. I took a leaves and shit today.

So if you were 25, you'd go seven days a week? Yeah. Not even to compete, just as an exercise. Just to take my mind off my everyday grind. If I had to pick something, right now at this age, if somebody came to me at 25 and said, listen, I want to take my mind off any everyday grind. What should I do?

I'd say, go to that particular jihitsu school and do everything he tells you to do. Watch the strongest guy in there and do what he does. It's just like life. If you're an engineer and you want to be a good engineer, you're going to hang out with the dude that calls in sick, the dude that does blow. No, you're going to hang out with that Chinese dude over there

that comes in an hour before and stays until 10 o'clock at night. That's why he does what he does. Because eventually all that time will pay in. You're clocking in. You're not clocking in at your job. You're clocking in on the clock of life. And the clock of life always fucking remembers. It really does.

If you think I would tell you this when I was 30, you're fucking crazy. Okay. Well, let me tell you who told me this. Slash. I'm not friends with Slash. I don't know Slash. I don't know how to get a hold of them. I bumped them to him once at the Riviera.

I had insomnia. It was insomnia Joe. I had no drugs. At that time, Rogan didn't smoke weeds. I didn't have no weed. So I'm walking through this fucking hotel, and there was like a pinball tournament or something, like a convention, and he was there.

Slash was just roaming the pinball club? He was at the convention, but that night he was at the bar, and he was just standing there, and I asked him, I saw him, I was a fan that I had seen him at the comedy club on Sunset one night. When we used to do comedy at that place

where I met, Ahmed used to hang, I told you he used to run. I saw him there one night, and I said hello, and he was very nice, and I asked him why guns and roses broke up, and he said, you know, he said, what you're going through right now. This is how long you've been doing comedy? He goes, are you making money?

I told him the truth. I said, I'm in Vegas. I'm going to make $200 for the weekend. I'm doing two shows. I got $200 on a plane ticket, and I got a fucking past eating the employee hotel. Not even in the buffet. Listen to me. Not even in the buffet.

And you were telling me, explain what the employee. Well, your food is. That's where all the food that don't get eaten in the buffet goes to. Like pieces of chicken with a bite taken out of it that people, that they put back. I'm joking. It's a joke, people. But the point of this was that he told me that what you're doing right now has a payoff. And some people, that's why you have to do this hard work.

So when the payoff comes, you don't analyze it. That's what gets people in trouble. You ever see a character you like in the movie? Right. And you don't see him ever again. And one day you ask around or you Google his name and it says that, you know, he just got hooked on drugs or something and disappeared. Somewhere there was something. Something couldn't be handled.

I know this because I went to it. Something somewhere couldn't be handled. You know, Lee, a lot of people can't handle success. Not at any level. Not at any level. What happens to them? Justin Bieber. Michael Jackson.

God rest is so. Prince. Prince was good. Prince was good. I shouldn't say his name like that. But your world changes, your perception. So you think that's what that is, is people who are going like the Lindsay Lowhands

and whoever you want to say, they just can't handle their success? They're going crazy. At first, it's disperception, man. it's just perception and in the back of your mind I can't imagine you think that you're doing something nobody else

has ever done and in the meantime they're blowing smoke up your ass I think about the time Ron de Rouser got kicked in the head and she just sat on that map and people kept saying she's dizzy she wasn't dizzy she was thinking

she was thinking about all the shit she brought into and all the lies and all the fucking bullshit people told her and the smoke they blew up her ass how in all her training she didn't get prepared for this or maybe that all the media things she had to do and all the time that was invested in talking to people and meeting with people and talking about movies your mind got taken away from the fucking main focus it's like getting arrested when they put the handcuffs on you what's the old adage that a couple of Knows if you're guilty or innocent Because the guilty guy He goes to bed like a baby That's it He got caught

The innocent guy is up thinking How's he gonna get out of this fucking mess That's really crazy Yeah that would be my first Instinct too with the cow would I fix it When I got sentenced I snorted a little under a gram of blow And I fell asleep

For about an hour in the jail cell While they came and got me to process me Maybe an hour and a half. I fell asleep. And I mean a sleep with drool coming out of my fucking mouth. And that's when I realized. I go, holy shit. You know, that's it.

This is it. This is my fate. So you didn't have anxiety about being a prison? You were just like, I deserve it. They caught me. That's it. That was it. At that point, everything else was bullshit.

Once, that judge said six years didn't mean shit. Once, I walked in there and I took my fucking handcuffs off, and I sat in that cell. That's where the walls fell in on me. And it was the weirdest thing because the walls fell in on me and the walls fell in on me. I went through this panic, a little bit of attack, like your life flashing in front of your eyes. And I took my jacket off.

I had a suit, you know, and I had a college shirt with no t-shirt underneath, but I got that heat, that anxiety heat you get. I took that jacket off. And I don't know if I breathed through it. I know I didn't pass out. And I was alone. And there was a camera on me.

And as I'm petting the jacket on my leg, Lee, I could feel something in the jacket. I thought it was a button. And I went to flip the jacket over and I stuck my hand on the left side. And there it was. I could feel a fucking baggy. And I said, I hope this is fucking empty. And I put my hand up, so the camera wouldn't see it.

And I left it in this hand. And it had like a little rock and the rest of it was powder. I remembered what batch that was and everything at that moment, like when I got it, like in July. I got sentenced in August, and it had been in that suit since July. Does that special batch? No, I had gone to court before in that suit. You did not bring Coke to court? The dog.

I was out of my fucking bird. And I crushed it up. I crushed it up. I took my wallet out. I took a dollar bill out I had in my wallet, like a 20 or a 10. God knows what I had in there. I didn't have no hundred to nothing. And I rolled up like a five, whatever the fuck it was.

I did that whole package on one snort. They wouldn't see you. They didn't see me. I may believe I was pissing. And I went into the sink like I was washing my hand, so the camera was over my back. I put the dollar bill in here, and I put it already in the package.

So I put it up to my nose, and I snorted it, open the dollar bill, wet it, and I flushed the dollar bill with the fucking package just in case, dog. You know I don't fuck around. You flushed the dollar bill. Everything.

What was I going to do with it? I'm in prison. What do I need a dollar bill? What's it going to do? What's a dollar bill? dollar gonna fucking do for me. So I flushed it and I sat on the thing and Lee within

20 minutes. I passed down. And you're just relaxed. Like, what happened? What went through your head when you woke up and realized that you had fallen asleep in prison? Once I heard my name, it was nothing I could do a thing.

That's it. I was a beaten man. Everything had surrendered. Like all the thoughts I had had for the last 16 months or whether or not or what was I going to do with my life?

This was it. Now I had to start thinking about what the fuck was I going to do now. I'm not going to lie to you. Like four days later, I started calling my then-girlfriend and my attorney

and seeing if we could put something together to get me out of that. But within a week, I knew I was doomed. There was no going to, I wasn't going to escape. I'm not that fucking dumb. I was going to escape

or nothing like that. Did you, did you at that point know there was probably going to be like, a year and a half or however long I ended up doing? Or did you think it was going to be the full of six years? I thought about two years.

I thought it was going to be about two years. So you didn't even really know. But I also knew something else, that he had said something to my attorney. He told my attorney to file a reconsideration letter. Right off the bat, he told my attorney that. The judge. The motion. The motion couldn't get served for 120 days, which means four months.

So I knew I was doing four months at least. and I knew that even if I went to court after four months, there's bullshit. So I got sentenced in August. All right? Right. So that's... What's four months? That's December.

What happens in December? The holidays. Yes, it's a slow debt. Yeah, and then... The hearing was scheduled for January 20th. The day the president, he got an, what's that called, inaugurated? Right. So it was 1989, January 20th.

because I remember sitting in the cell waiting to go to court and going and the community correction. People said, nope, we're not taking it. So you're trying to get out of prison somehow. I was trying to get the sentence reduced to six years community service, six years, six years community correction. What does that mean? Which means that they put you in a halfway house or a work release program.

You have to stay clean, have a job. job, go to school, and then you have to petition the court again, and then he lets you go home, but you still have those six years hanging over your head. And if you do something fucked up, they put you back in jail for the room in that time. That's scary to think about. So what happened was, community corrections turned me down. Just immediately. And the probation department turned me down. But guess what else happened? What happened? I had done five months. So five months. So what happens is when you go to prison, you go to prison under a number basis.

Okay, so you're allowed to file for the halfway house. At the 18th month, you're eligible for a halfway house at 18 months. For your first six years? No. Is everyone eligible? Okay, so six years. Okay, so let me, let me do it for you. So six years.

years, all right? Right. Tomorrow you go to fucking jail, you get six years. Six times 12 is what? 72. What's half of 72? 36. You're going to do 36 months.

Right. If it's nonviolent. Okay. If it's a violent crime, you're going to do three quarters of your sentence. If it's nonviolent, first offender, you behave yourself, you get your high school diploma, you join the band, you join the choir, you do all your therapy, and you pay your restitution. That's the most important thing that you pay your restitution.

So you got 36 months, okay? So let's say my situation. So that's three years. In my situation, it was zero to six. They gave me four. So that's 48 months. Okay. 48 months divided the two is what?

24. I did a month in county. A month in county counts for two. What's that making? 22. 22 months. I did five months. Where does that put me at?

Oh, so anything, okay. You follow me? Fucking December. One day, I'm talking to my counselor. He goes, oh, by the way, I put you in for a halfway house already. I go, what the fuck are you talking about? I goes, yeah, you're eligible. They have a computerized calendar.

They submit you right away. Now they've got to decide where they're going to take you. They have to take you. There's no turning you down. They have to take you. Just as soon as a bed opens up or something? As soon as a bed opens up. So once I went back, they transferred the sentence to four years, or they did something.

They transferred the sentence to Community Corrections, and he sentenced, he knocked off something. They knocked off something. But it was already too late. I was already up for a halfway house in December. They had already put me up for a halfway house in December. So now they were just waiting for a fucking bed. So within a week, I got a call at A, B-C-T's. took you. Boulder County

Treatment Center took me. And did you have to pay for the halfway house? Fuck yeah, but the beauty of it was... Oh, yeah, the rent. The beauty of it was, it was either BCTC or LCTC. And LCCC really wanted me. Lc-TIC's Longmont Community Treatment Center. And fuck Longmont.

Oh, at that time, Longmont was a cow town, but Lee, they're the best tacos. I ever ate in my fucking life. At the prison? No. At the fucking... There was a store in Longmont. Oh, okay. Called the something. Lee, I used to drive from bold to anywhere every day. They were $0.9 a piece.

I would get 22 of them. I would just give it whatever I had in my pocket. Give me tacos. They were that. And I was soda. Machaca with eggs with just delisioso tacos in Longmont, Colorado. When I was waiting to get sentenced, I would work at Hertz Renekar, and they would say, go to the Longmont, pick up a car.

That was music to my ears. Did you have to stop a delicioso? talking. Did I get to what? Because you got to stop there. Every day. I got jobs in Longmont after that. Valley Subaru, sprinkler auto sales, just to fucking work, just to be able to go to Deli Sioso. That's how I was fucking banging it on those days. Is it still open? I think so. Would I take you there? I don't know. I don't know if it's the same owners. I don't know if it's the same breakfast tacos. I don't know what the fuck goes on there. So that's what saved me. So when I got back, I was out of that fucking thing.

By February, I was already in a halfway house. And you went in July? Oh, yeah. Boom, I was already in a halfway out. I don't know. I don't know how to sell it. Obviously, I know you and you're a good person, but it is kind of scary that some of these people

who are you think are going away for a while aren't going away for as long as you think they are. No, and that's what I tell people. This is all bullshit. I love when they arrest people and they make those statements on television about somebody, excuse me. Sorry about that.

I love when you're watching the news and somebody says, oh my God, major drug busts the rest of that. And the south side of, you know, West Hollywood, Lee Syatt got arrested with three kilos and $42,000 in cash. And they say,

he had an estimated value of street cocaine at $3.00 million. And you sit there and go, let's figure this out. In my day, I would snort coke and do math for hours to figure them out. But then I talked to a detective and they told me how they did it. Do you have those notebooks? No, I put those on fire.

I would sit there for hours and do math. I could have one witness that's still alive that could call in here and tell you that for 10 hours I would sit there, snort blow, and become fucking Copernicus. What sort of bathroom do you do? Okay. Okay, so up for the cases, maybe. I was still doing math in 2000. When I got the longest yard, I was doing math.

Like, I would figure out the scenes I was doing and how much each scene they were paying me. Like, I was that retarded at night on the blow. I would get that fucking retarded on the blow. I really think Owen Benjamin abandoned ship. He is the first guest that has ever abandoned ship. I don't know. I think he's out there.

I could see it. There was one point where I could see his eye just going. So, thank God he said no one. Yeah, he would have been dead. Well, actually, I kind of think the body kind of like pushes back at that point, but maybe not. Maybe he would be. No, it happened. Listen, man, I thought, I asked him if he smoked dope.

He said, yes. I know he went for, he asked. And then he said, can I take a star? It's there. You know, if you want a star, take him. But then he saw me and Lee eating them, and he goes, if you guys are going to eat six of them, I might as well take another one. Guys, you know me at home.

I will give you as many stars as you want As long as you eat them in front of me I want to see a disaster Happen in front of me I live for that shit I live for that shit He's six for fucking seven 200 pounds

I didn't think the star of death Was gonna kill him Now by the way this kid's a great kid What I was telling you guys about this guy at home I'm not bullshing you There's like a couple people that when I see out I behave myself And he's one of them

Because he's such a fucking sweetheart Everyone likes them for one I've heard Everybody Nobody has a bad word to say about this own Benjamin kid Listen I was leaving the store three weeks ago I was about to get in my car And when I'm going to the car

I don't hear nothing Hey hello There's no retreating There's no retreating It's over I saw him And I gotta tell you something He brightened my day

There's few people that brighten my day Like this This kid does his neverses a bad word He's a funny guy He works fucking hard he's out every fucking night you know he's done some big fucking movies so if you get a chance to go see your own

go down there bring him an edible time him to church sent you that's it he'll fucking love it and we'll get him back here and we'll get him to talk some shit let me give some shout out to you at least I have first off to my main people Greg and Lynn Powers my main man in SFF John Cutler I couldn't see him this last weekend my main man in Bakersfield

Matt Baker over there Baker's field BJJ teaching motherfuckers the trujitsu to the next level Tammy Burbank Burbank Thomas Easter

I'll see Thomas tomorrow and I have to laugh factory hope you don't stab somebody and they don't get banned from there Melissa Eva Perez My family in Chicago Bob Lalingis and shit I'm shooting my special day October 22nd

Chicago Why? Because you're bad motherfuckers and there's no better club than Rosemont fucking Chicago. So I'm shooting my special at Rosemont. It's fucking official.

Tickets are not on sale yet. I got to figure out how to get to the Linguish family of fucking Lee. Who shot fucking Lincoln? Booth Towers. Right. John Lutz booth?

I got to give him like a little wolf's boot there. My man, Mark Walsh, Shad, Risa, Crystal Johnson. over there looking good in fucking Utah and my main man, Troy Wallace Evans and shit. Always giving you some love. I'm going to be in Sacramento this weekend.

And next weekend, I'm fucking thrilled to say I'm going to one of my favorite cities. Pittsburgh pencil motherfuckingvania. I'm going to go to fucking Primantes, whatever the fuck it is. I'm going to fucking walk around. I'm going to go rub the Roberto Clemente statue.

The whole thing. You understand me? I don't give a fuck, Lisa. I'm having a good time. I'm writing. Everything's coming to pieces. I'm writing three things at once. You know, my comedy's kind of weird right now because I'm in the middle of a fucking...

I'm like a butterfly. What's that butterfly before he becomes a butterfly? A caterpillar. A caterpillar. No, that process. Oh, a cocoon? I'm in a cocoon process right now. You know what I'm trying to put shit together.

I don't even know why I chew that nicotine gum. I got to do it with coffee. If not, it doesn't work. It's like cocaine without alcohol. It just don't work. You gotta do the fucking yay. You gotta drink and you look at the window. You call your mother's day, cuckusker.

What did you? I sent her flowers in a car. Did you? You gotta go? What the fuck? What is wrong with you? When are you gonna go see? You want to go back? You're gonna go back June? And you're gonna come on me in November? Absolutely. Don't be bullshin' shit. I'll be bullshin'n. I'll take one of my freaks and shit. Well, there's a freak. I understand. No, I'm excited. She's happy. Got us some nice flowers. It was a good Mother's Day. It's nice. I tried to do something nice for my wife.

I was sad the last two fucking days. You know, I'm writing this chapter in the book right now. And I'm supposed to have three chapters. And then we could sell the book. And then we have to write the book in a certain amount of time. It's not at this point that I'm a bad writer. I know the stories. it's really coming together for the first time.

That's awesome. And some days it's, uh, I put eight sentences in, but I take two out or, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's always something like that. But the other day,

on Mother's Day, I wanted to read the, I didn't even read the whole chapter. I just read the, uh, part where I go out and I come home and I'm on acid and I go to bed and I get up in a it all night and I hear her and I get up to pee and I go down and I find my mother dead and her arm

is purple and you know I kind of sit there and I wrote that out again and in my mind I felt like I was supposed to be upset you know what I am like I was supposed to be upset you ever feel like that like you might be upset but I really wasn't upset I was really proud that I got to write it how I finally wanted to fucking write it so you didn't get emotional anymore not at all you know I'm trying to write the aftermath now, which really takes away from that chapter. That chapter is such a strong little piece of writing that after that you just closed the book and put it down for an hour and go, I don't want to know what happens next. At what point do you think you got, like, were able to not get emotional?

Would it be like last year? Is it just this? Like how many years ago did it take? Because that's a little about Mother's Day. I'm away from my mom. I start to think about when she's not going to be here and I get sad. It's not got bad news for you. In life, when you lose a friend, the relative will love them, the pain's always there.

It's always there. It always stays with you. Especially my mother. The pain's always there. It's like being poor and having a toothache. You learn to live with it. You learn to live with it. You see somebody who's drinking and had like a fucked up missing tooth.

That tooth was fucked up for two years. But he had to decide between booze or a dentist. And he picked a fucking, he picked booze. I did the same thing with Blow. You know, I had to pick between a $50 piece of Coke or paying a dentist, what would you do? I picked fucking a $50 piece of blow. And I took an aspirin and shoved it in the fucking cavity for the, you know, that's how fucked up. My teeth were in the back.

I would just get an aspirin and put it in my tooth. There was a hole in your tooth? Yeah. Bayer aspirin. in my tooth. And then once it really started hurting, I get a bottle of Jack, one of those little pints, and I drink it, half of it straight, and then I just take the fucking tooth or whiskey. I'm lying to you, I wouldn't drink Jack.

I take like chivas, one of those whiskeys that has like a sour taste to it, and I would just pull the fucking tooth on. This whole side is shake in the back. And I had the abscess. One time I got really sick and bolder, and I went over to... to the fucking place, and the hospital, and they yanked the rest of it out. But what do you think those people feel like?

It's the same thing when you lose a relative or a mom or something. More and more, I'm getting more. I get calls at least every six months from somebody who says, hey man, can I talk to you about something? I had a kid hunt me out. The kid who I stayed with

from fucking 30 years ago hunted me out to tell me his father died. and that one night he was thinking now that he understood me and how could I live with that in an early age that he really got a whole new respect for me for even living with that pain. I have a teacher that is for...

Mr. Barone, his mother died. I heard he's in a horrible place right now. Grown fucking man. Grown fucking man. Grown fucking man. You're never prepared for none of this shit. That's the part of life you're never prepared for.

Listen, I like Prince. I like the music. Was I a big, fuck? No, no. You know, somewhere along the line, I stopped listening to a lot of music, and I listened to whatever Prince put out on the radio. But I didn't know his albums, like I know other bands' albums.

I know the band's albums. But that was it after that. I think like a 90 I tapped from Prince. You know, do I feel, yes. I can't imagine what Prince's family. I mean, his friends feel like. People who really knew. Not those bullshit people that go on extra and tell you lies, you know.

That's the worst part of death. That's the part of death that destroys me. The fucking bullshit you got to put up with and fucking people talking. Who the fuck are you? How does he know you? What the fuck are you talking about? But, you know, it's accepted. You know what I'm saying?

It's like putting RIP on your Twitter. Stop. Don't make me go over there and get you canceled. What is canceled from what? I don't know. I'm just talking shit here. Fucking Lysai, Adam. I'm nine stars in.

You're not nine stars in. Maybe seven. Who's counting? I'm counting. What do you think? I don't have no edibles in my system from last night of the day before,

the day before. You know, I'm a fucking horse of debt. I ain't got time for this shit. What the fuck? I'm sorry. I'm sorry to you. What are you saying? What are you apologizing for?

You never apologized. I have no idea. You're my fucking family. You never fucking apologized. And that's it. I can't really believe all. Benjamin left. I love it. Listen, this is just another feather in our cap.

You got to, I'll never forget it was 1980 fucking four. So I put the camera on his chair when you say this? It was 1984. And, uh, North Bergen people were getting a bad reputation. There was a bar called corkies. At the time, I had switched governments. It was called Gregory's Seven Day weekend.

And I got to tell you something, look at back at that bar. It just became a cocaine storm. At one, 30 in the morning, on a Friday, Saturday, Thursday, Thursday, if you just went in that car, if you went in that bar with a camera, and you put it on, and you could have sold that show today. If there was 40 people in there, 40 of them's jaw were going from side to side, smoking cigarettes. You couldn't hear from the fucking bar.

You couldn't, you know. What's the point in my story? I have no fucking ideally. Like Gregory seven day weekend. It could be a TV show. Oh, maybe he's back on, Benjamin. Maybe he just went for a walk in the neighbor.

He said, let me just go for a walk and walk it off. And when you were a kid, you got kicked in the fucking stomach, your teacher would say, walk it off, cocksucker. Yeah, I just hope he's okay. I'm sure he's fine.

I'll call him after this is over. We're getting the fuck out of here anyway. What else we got to do tonight, Lee? Remind me, remind me. We've got to read some fucking. I'm talking ads here. As usual, my main people over at Nature Box. Listen, what the fuck?

You know what I'm saying? The Church of What's happening now is brought to you by Nature Box, dedicated to making smart, delicious, snack, and easy. You deserve better than high fructose, corn, served, potato chips, and all that shit. NatureBox snacks taste delicious without any high fructose, corn syrup, trans fat, MSG, artificial colors, sweeteners, or flavors. None of that crap. Nature Box makes finding a range of options

from healthy to indulgent to easy. They combine unique flavors with ingredients you can pronounce to create great snacks you may not want to share with nobody. From Sirachi roasted cashews to the Peter Butter Nom NOMs, are you kidding me or what? Nature Box has over 100 seriously delicious options

to choose from all delivered right to your door. That's the beauty of this. And you'll never get bored with no. Nature Box snacks because every single month they release new snacks to choose from. Like the chocolate nut, the dark cocoa nom nom, delicious. They moved the plantains. I didn't see the plantains, but you know me, I'm a sucker for the salt and pepper lentil loops. That's how I roll.

Or the garlic bread cheese chips. Anyway, don't worry about that. Let's start with this. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking confidently with Naturebox. Go to naturebox.com. Joey to get 50% off your first box. I'm telling you, this is good shit. Go to naturebox.com right now.

Go to naturebox.com slash Joey and get right snacks for 2016. You want to look good. You're two months away from putting a bikini on. Your little pussy's going to be hanging out. You don't want no blubber hanging over. Who's going to fucking eat that thing? One last time.

That's naturebox.com slash Joey for 50% off your first box of delicious, high-quality snacks. sent directly to your motherfucking doorstep. You understand me? I also want to welcome Dots Susara geese. They got hemp gear, high quality functional gear, hemp textile. It's like fucking cotton mixed.

They got towels, they got fighter geese, they got bags, they got hooded sweatshirts. Do me a favor. Go to Datsusara.com right now and look at the fine selection of stuff They got two beautiful geese, men and women, fucking beautiful, right? They also sponsor EBI and one and all. Listen, last week I flew from Indianapolis. And Tuesday and I went to the comedy show. And on the way out, some black dude came up to me.

He looked familiar. Interesting. And he had a white girlfriend. And he had another buddy with him. And we took a few pictures. In the middle of all this, he says, you know who she is? And I go, no, I don't. And he goes, she's like this thing with vapor pens.

And all of a sudden, she goes, give it to him. And he takes out a vapor. He puts on a new pen. He takes a hit. She takes a hit. And I took a hit. You know, as I was driving away, I could feel tingle in my throat. Motherfuckers.

I went home. I inhaled 6,000 milligrams of vitamin C. Just to sleep it. You know what I'm saying? I drank some water. and my heart wouldn't tap. And I took two fucking of those pills. Shroom techs.

I also took two before I flew and two when I tapped down because you always got to take care of yourself when you fly. I drank a bunch of water. I felt something for a few days. I felt something Wednesday. I caught myself sleeping in the afternoon Wednesday. And I couldn't figure out what it was. It was that I was going over something.

Again, I inhaled vitamin C. I took some more shroom tech. It finally hit me Friday night. Saturday morning I had a little bit By the time I got off stage The comedy store it was gone Shroom Tech was the way to go You want Shroom Tech, you want Shroom Tech sport

You want Shroom Tech immune You gotta go to onit.com right now While you're there, take a look at fucking Alpha Brand While you're there, take a look at the hemp protein Take a look at the shit, read the ingredients See how hard Aubrey works for you motherfuckers If there's something you like, go to the box and press in Church, boom!

Get 10% off your first order delivered right to your door It's that easy. I'm not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass because I don't have to. Alpha Brain, you don't like it. It don't work for you. You get 100% money back guarantee and they don't want the product back.

That's the type of confidence they got in their shit. Go to AlphaBrain. Go to Noot.Onet.com. Go to the box and press in. Church. And get 10% off. I want to thank NatureBox. I want to thank Onet.

And I want to thank DatsuSara.com The best geese in the business. I mean, there's some great geese out there. But this is a spectacular ghee, lightweight, it feels great. Go to Dr. Sarsara right now and look at the fine selection of geese they got, all right? That said, I want to thank my man, oh, and Benjamin.

We fucking tried. We tried. He came here and dabbled with the fucking king of swing and his main Gumba Li Saiat, and this is what goes down. Uki Spooky's watching. You know, you can't, you know, and Ookie Spooky's watching, you can't come in here if you haven't taken your...

Half ass it, no. You can't do it. Who's that? Maybe his wife. Now, Who's going to bother us? You know what I'm saying? We got the world by the balls. We'll be back Wednesday.

What do you got playing for tomorrow? Tomorrow I have hopefully life and neutral with Johnny Rock and then an everyday cannabis with my good buddy up there. Look at you're the man of many fucking podcasts.

Trying. You're like 19 fucking podcasts. Who's better than you? Anyway, I'll be in Sacramento this weekend rocking the house with Felicia Michaels and next weekend I'll be at the Pittsburgh, motherfucking improv. I want to thank Owen Benjamin.

I take it to himbenjamin.com. Whatever, he's a great kid, man. These stars are fucking brutal. Trust me, he's not the first one to tap out. I want to thank my main man, Lisa. I want to thank you guys for listening. Have a great week, and thank you for the love and support. Uncle Joey out.

I'll see you motherfuckers on Periscope this week. Stay black. This show was brought to you by NatureBox. Head to Naturebox.com slash Joey right now to get 50% off of your friend. first order. That's naturebox.com slash Joey to get half off 50, half, 5, 50% off of your first box. That's a lot of money. You're saving 50% off of your first box when you get a naturebox.com slash Joey, naturebox.com slash joey. Remember, naturebox.com slash, I hope some of you did

Joey. And go to datura.com. There are new and brand new to the family we want to welcome them. They are extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rashgarers, among many other products. So just go to DeSuro.com and check

them out. And yeah, they're great and we really appreciate it. So it's deadsu.com. And go to Onnet.com and NewCobor Church to save 10% of all their great optimization products like AlphaBrand and New Mood and I'm going to use it to get

stream-tech immune from my trip to Boston. It's on it.com needs corporate church.