The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #380 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 17, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines right on your phone and tablet.   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first two meals free!    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/16/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients need to make them right to your door. Our listeners, the listeners to the church of what's happening now, get their first two meals for free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by texture. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial to their great app texture. With texture, you gain access to 100.

of your favorite magazines. You go to texture.com slash Joey to start your free trial now. That's texture.com slash Joey to start your free trial. And go to Onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products like Alva Brain, New Mood, and Trum Tech Sport and Shum Tech commute. Kick that fucking horse, Lee. It's the Monday not edition, cock suckers. Churchill, what's happening now?

Lower my mic a little bit. It's too hot, my name. Lower that a little bit. The church of what's happening now, baby boys? Monday night. May 16th. Give me that music more. That music's got to sound better.

There you go. There you go. You were never a DJ, huh? Talksucking. You got a lot of a mix a little bit. There you go. The Eagles Hall of Hotel, California. Monday.

This is it. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Thank you for checking in with the church. What's happening now? Uncle Joey here, my little brother Lee Syatt. What's up, Doug Brett? Oh, my God. I had a great weekend.

I don't know. It was just... Oh, my God. Did you eat gluten crepes or some shit? I ate gluten crepes. I went and saw Captain America just too annoying. No, it was a... I don't know.

I had some alone time recently. And it's just... It's been a lot of fun. It's been a lot of fun. I got to go to Paul's graduation. which was, which was great. Got to eat some fucking tacos. There's nothing better than having, like,

whenever I first started getting into comedy, the joke, like, one of the hacky jokes is how terrible mother-in-laws are. You should see the amount of food that they, that you get, so it's amazing. There's not, I don't, it's, like, it's, it's the coolest point. It's, like, one of the best parts about dating,

about dating Paul. It's great. Yeah, but you don't fucking bring things for her to cook. You don't give her orders. You know, Joey calls me and he tells me, like, bring her over groceries. Like, you'll be like, okay, you're going to go grocery shopping. Just bring it over to her house. If you're going to go to subway and half these shit restaurants you go to, because they're all garbage. You might as well bring mother-in-law or roast beef, three chickens, you know, packages of chicken cutlets.

And she'll be more than fucking half of course you would. While Paul is at fucking school, you go over there and eat lunch and a healthy lunch, you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. So, but if, you know, it's like if you go over there all the time and just eat, but if you start bringing them fucking groceries, like, what the fuck? Just bring groceries with a night and watch it go to work. Ma, this is what I want you to make me. They love that shit when you bring it for them to make it.

They love cooking it. Never mind if you bring it to them to make it. That lets them know that you had a, this is how bad you wanted. I want your tacos. I could have gone anywhere else, Ma, I could have got your tacos. Yeah. That's it. That's a two-way.

fucking, you just blow up their brain with that one. How do I say, because it makes a, the word mom makes a huge difference. Like, I need to learn. Mima. Mima, just call her, me ma'am. Okay. That's nice and easy. Nobody gets their feelings hurt.

Mima. But that's why I say that to you. It's not an insult to people. No, of course not. Listen, I like her roast beef. I like her carnitas. I like her pork chops. Go buy them.

And go, this is what I want next week, Ma. And they'll fucking cook it for you three nights in a row, like a soldier. Oh, yeah. If I wanted to, I could be like, just driving over there every night of the week. And she loved it. What else you're doing? You're eating that turkey, that shit in your house, the fucking hummus bowl.

It's good. You just make a little bit of brown rice and like some grilled chicken. That's real good. Yeah, brown rice. I know you get the stimia chicken cut with sturdy two in a bag from Rouse. That means that you're eating fucking chickens that have been shot at and throwing darts at and people with them with sticks and shit in a cage. You eat that.

You have nightmares. You can't even sleep right when you eat that chicken because the chicken's been beat up, stepped on, kicked, lit on fire. You can taste the spirit. Oh, you can taste the spirit. The chicken's been tortured. You can't sleep all night because the fucking chicken's been hunted. Jeez.

Do you hear what happened this week? They did, like, there's a new story out. Like, they're making the workers wear diapers while they're working because they don't want anyone taking breaks. Where's this? Like, one of those chicken farms. I don't know, I don't know specifically which company. But it's crazy.

It's, it's, uh, they don't want the chickens to take, they don't want the workers to take break. No, the chickens can take as many breaks as they want. So you have to shit in your diaper. Are you fucking crazy? You can't do that. Yeah, no, that would be a, that would be a, that's crazy. Like, whenever I hear about like, that, like, that's, like, that's one thing that's actually bugged me this weekend. Uh, the whole $15 minimum wage thing.

And, and now people are coming out, oh, well, Wendy's is going to have these computers, self-ordering. And it's because of that. It's not because of that. It's because technology's changing. And it's, these are the kind of jobs that are available. I couldn't imagine having to say yes to a job where I have to wear a diaper. Not for $15 an hour. You got to throw me a couple more dollars than that than wear a fucking diaper.

15 an hour, I ain't going to cut it. Listen, man, for 50, if I was Wendy's, and let's be honest here as Americans, if I was Wendy, Wendy's or McDonald's or any one of those other places. Yeah, any of them. And I looked at half these, three quarters of these putses that work in there. I'd might as well put a computer and save fucking money. Absolutely. Because remember, $15 is really $30 an hour with...

Unemployment and security. No, no, but the other one, work with compensation. Got it, okay. So I'm really paying you, I'm really paying $30 for this fucking idiot that could barely speak English, doesn't know what the fuck he is. He's just looking around, huh, huh, huh. You ever go to McDonald's? I used to live at McDonald's.

They used to live at McDonald's. They used to have a booth on a reserve. I go over here with my little daughter and I sit in and I get scared for fucking the future. I really do get scared for the future. Because of the customers or the workers or both? Both. Both. Just the entire building.

Yeah, both. Like the fucking workers at McDonald's, you see them when you go to subway? You see that. Now, would you pay one of those tips 15 an hour to work at subway? They don't even have. And, you know, I'm not saying. all subway employees. I'm saying the one up here by fucking Lancashim

and victory. You ever going there late night? We went in there once or twice. Oh, yeah, of course. Okay? The chick that, I mean, she had no comprehension on what the fuck was going on when we were there. There was another one night that you went so in, you called me and you go, I was just so angry because the person had no idea

what was going on. Well, I haven't gone for a few months because of a young, young fucking donuts one night that I got mad, that I went home and said, I would not pay any of those employees $15 because that cost me $30. For $30, I could get a fucking high school kid that's 13 that's really fucking sharpened on the ball to work weekends or something.

Really, that's what I'd rather do. But half these people that work at Subway and these other fast food places, I don't know, fucking 15 and now. That's fucking steep, Jack. It's steep. And then, like, I used to, I had those jobs since I was 14. And it always used to bug me as an employee for, like, if you were doing your job, up and then there's a lot of people who aren't.

Like, if you go into any of those places, there's 80 people working. Like, there's no need for all of those people working. Well, the McDonnell-Lancashem. When I go, I look in the back and stuff. In the back, it's all people who can't speak English. Oh, yeah, of course. Or you have to assume. They have a couple white people up in front that been shot at or somebody stabbed or

their victims are fucking something, you know. The kid that I went to the other day couldn't figure out the kid's meal for mercy. I'm not listening. You people were listening and going, Joey's being rude. No, no, no, no, no. The kid that I went to last week with my daughter, and he could not figure out the fucking six-piece chicken for mercy. What was my?

And I asked him, I go, oh, this is your first day here. I try to give him, oh, no, no, no. It was just a fucking nightmare. It was just a fucking nightmare. You know, me being the owner of that, I can't have that up front. I could put him in the back to sweep and mom. And you know what I'm saying? Up front, you got to have sharp people.

You would think so, yeah. But I don't think they care. I think it's either a franchise for them or they're just the people who are applying for those jobs. And that's the thing now because when I was a kid in high school, I got jobs pretty easily. But from what I hear, it's kind of hard. Like those jobs, those high school jobs are going to adults now because they don't have as many restrictions. And then they need the work. what kind of restrictions do you have with?

Like when I was 14, until you're 16, I think you can't work past a certain time. And then you have during the days that you can't work. And it's sometimes there's like a shorter shift. So it's tough out there. Like it's, I loved my high school jobs. Like there's, if there was a way for me to make like a million dollars a year, like if money wasn't an issue, those jobs are still my best friends. It's, uh, there's some sort of camaraderie.

And it's just. in the shittiness you find so much happiness. It's so, it's, like, sometimes I miss it. I don't know why. I enjoyed every job I had as a young man. I really did, because I took something from it. Like, I really enjoyed, you know, stocking my mom's shells and the ice and, you know, the beers and throwing ice out of when I was stocking it. And I didn't like cleaning bathrooms.

I didn't like cleaning toilets. Oh, no, yeah, cleaning is the worst. I didn't like cleaning out the period box where the, you know, I didn't like cleaning out the period box where the, women put their shit in there. Oh, you had to do that? Yeah, my mother's ball. I didn't like any of that. I had a mop.

I didn't mind sweep. I didn't mind hosing the floor and all that stuff. Then when my stepdad bought the meat place, that wasn't bad. I just had to do the register and sweep. And sometimes I have to clean out the freezer, but I don't have to touch the meat. The flowers was a different story. When I was about 10, 9, 8 around there, we had the flower shop. And I had to de-stem the roses.

Oh, he might have got pricked all the time. Oh, that's a fun. fucking horrible job de-stemming those roses at first. And you get to it and you know how to do it with the, you know, the whole thing. Now it must be completely different. Just, like, machine. Like, there's some of them, like, I see all those,

all these videos online of, like, the people who can, like, cut fruit, like, super fast. Like, they're just a master's at it. That's all they've ever done is just cut fruit and they can, like, cut a pineapple in the pineapple. It's, uh, I think the reason why I like it, I was thinking about it was, it's like, It's not simple, but you know when you're done.

Like, it's, you have a task. And it's fill, fill the popcorn. It's cut the stems off the roses. Like, it's, it's a little bit, like, it's, there's no, it's no stress. And it's like, you know where you're supposed to. I think a lot of, a lot of issues people have, are they no kind of where they're supposed to go and what they're supposed to do? But there's so many different options. Where?

Like, in life. And, like, in life and at jobs where you're, like, as a comedian, you can say no to certain gigs, go to certain gigs, go to certain gigs. go to certain gigs, be friends with certain comedians. When you're cutting stems off of roses, that's all you're doing, and there's only a few ways to do that. So it's kind of known. No, no, no.

You de-stem roses in the morning, and then maybe you also do the arrangements. Right. You just don't de-stem roses. I never did arrangements. I just de-stem roses and then stocked them for the deliveries, or I put them in vases for the fucking florist to design stuff with.

No, no, no, no. You don't do that eight hours a day. It's fucking... Well, just that sort of thing. Another fucking guy over here. I'm dealing with eight hours a day. And then as I got older, I was forced to do like construction jobs.

And one of the first jobs I did, Carmen Balzano got me a job with the Carlo construction. And all I did that fucking summer was carry a wheelbarrow on a two by 12 over a fucking moat. That's it. Like when they put... I've always wondered about that.

That's it. Yeah. A piece of wood and you just have a little. How does it not fall off? That's it. That's all I did for a summer, which is go to the truck, get the concrete, carry it over, dump it.

Go to the truck. That's what you did. Eight fucking hours a day. Every once in a while, they cut me loose to pick up the paper around the construction side or maybe to help stock block or something like that,

which then the next fucking summer, I got a job, the summer before my mother died, I got a job working at a place called Severino Masonry. And what he would do, me, him and Stinky and his son would fucking do everything by hand.

You did everything by hand. There was no jackhammer. There was none of that shit. We broke everything by hand with a chisel. You know, he held it, he hit it with a sledgehammer. Everything was fucking done by hand. And that was an education.

And you learn how to keep yourself busy. You learn how to look at the Mason and see what he's doing. You know, you're not looking at the Mason, really. You're stocking the cement for the mason. You're always one step ahead of the mason. So the mason can never be fucking missing brick or missing concrete or missing water or anything like that or a line or a fucking thing to measure the wall because if he stops for that shit, that's money. Right.

And that's how you're there. That's why I'm always there. So when they would say to me, you always have to be ahead of them. There would always be like four hatties on the job. And my job, I was always the best one. because my job was not even to let him yell. Like, I would be helping the other fucking hotties. And that's how, that's how ahead I get.

And then you have to put up the fucking, you have to, while he's doing all that shit, you have to build the scaffold for the next day. Like, if you, it's like a three-foot, those that could do. You can build the scaffold? Like, you know, two stories for a chimney or that was what we did in those days. That wasn't hard at all.

That's not hard at all. It's those motherfuckers that build eight things up. Well, did you take a lot of pride in it? It sounds like you took pride. Yeah, you take pride in every fucking job. You do. I was only lazy for, I was only lazy at my mother's bar until I realized that it wasn't cool to be lazy.

Like if she said sweep, I would sweep and not sweep behind that computer desk. Then one day, you know, it's embarrassing. She'll say, really, there's shit behind it. You didn't see it. You saw it. You just didn't want to fucking do it. Pick that shit up and sweep it the right fucking way. And then you start taking appreciation for that shit.

You understand that you want to be the best worker on the floor. And that was always me. Then when that job ended, believe it or not, I wasn't going to play football. And I wasn't sure about basketball. So I got a job of Jay Horningson from 4 to 9 stocking trucks. So what you do is you took orders and you went around with a fucking... hand truck or something? No, with a fucking high-low

and with a paladin on it And you stocked orders And then you drove them to the truck drivers And they loaded it How they wanted to load it I would do that from 49 my sophomore year Sophomore year Sofmore year

Until about two weeks before my mother died They got mad at me Because I was late one day And they fired me I did it from September The beginning of sophomore year To like a week after Halloween or something like that.

Why were you doing it before your mom died? Because you had money, didn't you? I had money, but I liked it. I wasn't going to play football. I wasn't going to play basketball. You have to do something with you. You know, listen, man, at that time, I had already figured out I liked to do good shit.

At that time, I was already going to Picolissimo. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was already going to hashways. There was no subway for 99 cents or fucking Domino's pizza in my world. I paid top dollar for food. So if you want to get your dick sucked and you want to hang out with these guys,

you had to have at least a year. Yards stick 200 a week to hang out. Because they got beers. They went to concerts. You know, if that's the shit you want to do, then you had to have a fucking job at that age. I had a job at 14, but I don't know. I didn't want my mom to know what I was doing.

So in the back of my mom, I didn't want to ask her for money for everything. You're following? You know, like most kids, like, I'm going to go to a concert. Well, guess what? I want to go to a concert, but she ain't going to find that. I'm going to tell my friend playing the bongos and study, you know, whatever the fuck.

So that's what it wasn't like, because I take pride in not asking my parents for money just because I want to ask them for money. So you just didn't want them knowing what you were doing? Yeah, fuck that. I make my own money for that. I'm asking for money for school clubs. Why,

you know what I'm saying? Like, why work at that angle? So then I quit that. And then I got a job at a place called Rendell Lumber and Marine. And there you had to be a good worker. Because it was plywood. It was boards. It was four by.

It was 4 by 12 sheet rock. It was 4 by 8 marine plywood, which is galvanized. They spray that stuff on it so it doesn't rust. And they have paneling there. They had joices. They had fucking doors, saddles. They had fucking everything there. And that's the job.

The guy who gave it to me, political Pete, told me, listen, if you get that job, you got to steal. Because if not, they'll know that I was stealing if you don't steal. That was my next question. Because I know what you've talked about you stole from every job. No, but this one was the beginning. This one was the one that taught me how to hit it from all angles. Selling fucking plywood on the lawn, stealing from the register.

This one taught me how to hit it from all angles. But there were nice guys. There were nice people. Even there I was, even though I was stealing and doing drugs, I looked forward to that job. I really enjoyed that job. Like, I really liked when I worked full time in the summer. What did you like most about it? The full time.

At that age, at 15, 16, I like the full time. I really like that you could, what's the word I'm looking for? You could just go 8 to 4 and the sun would shine. And I knew I was going to make a bigger check this week. Like when I was, that year from sophomore to junior year and junior to senior year, I didn't have summer school. So that's the year I worked for Rendell Lumber going into senior year. And that was, but I had worked for them before.

Like I had been with them way before. I worked there every day from, you know, I would get there from two to six. I'd worked there. So I worked about $20 a week in those days. They probably paid me $7 an hour, which was nothing compared to what I was stealing. I was like Mike Dowd. I wasn't even picking up my check. on Friday.

I was just going to ask you that. I was like, Mike, that. I wouldn't even care about my check. I was making so much money in the lumber yard, selling four by eight plywood, that it was ridiculous. They would want 80 for galvanized, that marine plywood that wouldn't rust.

And I'd sell it for 25 a sheet, cash. Guys on Saturday were coming for 10 fucking sheets, 20 sheets. I'm 17. I'm going out. Fucking six bills in my pocket. when I was in high school, and we were going to eat something nice or whatever. Peake least, like, I can't imagine a bunch of 14 or 16-year-olds going to, like, a fancy Italian restaurant tipping.

Like, that's why I don't know, like, when my nephew came out, when I asked him what he liked, and he goes, I like my grandmother's cooking and something out. I go, growing up, you didn't go to Hashways, he said, never. We never were raised to go to Hashways. I was always in fucking Hashtrays eating a fresh sandwich Made a roast beef or something You know, like I always took pride in that We had a pizza place in the town

Where we'd all go But it wasn't it wasn't like a family own thing But it was a it was owned by a Greek guy And he'd give chips out It was like it's a town thing Like from the time you're a kid You'd go in there because he gives He gives the kids chips

And he gives a parent's apoclova And it's like a central place in the town You know and then I don't know about all this central place in the town. We were talking about jobs. Okay. And then after my mom died, I really learned that you had to work, but I didn't digest it. I was still going to go around it. That was always my plan in the beginning to go around working. But I had to make a living. How was I going to make a living? Do you follow me? Like, I didn't want to

work. I always tried to get around it. But how are you going to make a living? Well, you figured you hustled, I guess. But it took me years to recover that mentality. Like, I liked working. I liked the idea of being in a union. I liked the idea of doing this and doing that. And all of a sudden, one day, I was like, wait a second. I don't want to fucking do this shit in the daytime.

And that's when I went off the reservation and stuff. But it didn't really strike me till. And don't get me wrong. I would get jobs from time to time in between to make ends meet. I would disappear and get a job for two months and put a couple grand away and stuff. my bullshit all over again, you know what I'm saying? But do you just get jobs and just know that it's only going to be for a couple months?

That's it. That's it. Just get a job. Somebody offers you a job. It's three, four dollars more an hour and you know you're usually going to get. They got a little overtime involved. Fuck it. I'll settle down for 90 days. Get some clothes. Get some fucking haircuts. Go to the movies, catch up on some shit, you know. And I did that. I did that. You know, when I went to college, ride on 83 I was forced to do that. I was finally forced because before I was working for that bookie in the city. And I didn't want that. I knew that someday this job was going to be over, so I wanted to develop some type of work history.

Right. And that's, were you doing any of this in high school for like a college application? Because that's a big thing now is they always to have extracurriculars when you're applying college or you just liked working. Yeah, I just liked working. I feel bad for these fucking kids now. They make them go to the hospital and, do this and they made kids that

wanted to be a nurse, be candy stripers and all that type of stuff. But now they're taking it to a different level with kids I think. And it's all volunteer work and shit they want you to do. Well, it's volunteer work and then it's being in clubs and like our friend Dave at the kettleball place. His kid

is on like two or three baseball teams and then like middle school. It's great. It's getting out of control. But working is something that I've noticed it's not as much as having a job as having as much as good job work ethic. You know, that's the thing that it took me years to really grasp. But by the time I got out of prison, I understood it.

By that time, and it took me a long time. I remember I was 27, 28, 29. By that time, I understood that I was going to have to get a job. and I settled down with roofing. When I first went to work with my brother-in-laws, I knew that this was the best I could do for right now. They were going to get me 800 a week to fucking help them roof. 40 hours a week, no really overtime unless you wanted to work it.

800 is a lot of fucking money in those days. Yeah. And I went there and I put a central thought in my mind. I knew that if I went there, I didn't want to be that brother-in-law that was the brother-in-law. I wanted to be the brother-in-law that was the best work around the fucking floor

because I didn't want to embarrass them. And that's exactly what I did. I outworked all those motherfuckers. And that was like the first time that you had a good work ethic, you think? No, I always had a good work ethic. That's the first time I applied it because I knew this is what I needed to do.

And if I was going to do this, this is how I was going to do this. Do you remember having that thought? I know tons of people that do not have a good work ethic. I know a thousand people that get it. And once you start understanding it, like how to put together your day, listen, if you have a warehouse job, there's 20 ways to do it. You know, there's 20 different ways to do this warehouse job.

Like, let's say I was in shipping in a warehouse job. Right. Which means every morning when I come in, I go to the fucking thing. I grab the bill of ladings, maybe there's 20, 30 of them, and I got to pack those 30 orders. Put them on pallets. So when the truck driver comes, whatever. I know that I have one job.

I have the job to load and whatever. But in my world, I want to do a little more. So I always stock those things because when you're looking for shit, you make a mess in a warehouse. Oh, yeah, of course. make a mess. So I was always the guy that once we didn't stock, we weren't stocking trucks. Like I always wanted to be finished first. So I'd go back and clean my shit. Even, but when I quit high school, I got a job at Maz back century loading trucks.

And it took me a amount of month before I became a fucking savage in there. I was doing what the top guy was doing. Like, that was always my goal when I got those jobs. So what do you think change then when you got to your brother-in-law's roofing? Because that's interesting. That's something I think about a lot. If you realize when you're making one of those important life decisions, or if it's just, it just happens in looking back on, you're like, okay, I made that decision. I did make that decision because it was an important decision.

I was 30 years old. I had nothing going for me. I had felonies. You know, I still like partying. I was on probation. And everybody else in Boulder was paying people $10 a fucking out. So that's $400 a fucking week before taxes, my friend. That means your sucking dick.

That's $1,000 a month. You know, when I talked to them one day, I said, listen, I got no roofing experience. I have a construction experience. But I got no roofing experience. I said, okay, come to work for a week and we'll let you know. And the first day, I didn't know how to cut a roof with a saw. I didn't know that shit. But by fucking Thursday, I was cutting.

that motherfucker would have saw exactly how they were doing it. You know, I wasn't flashing the roof by that week, but after 60 days, I was flashing a dog. You know, that's when you wrap the pipes and when you know how to roof certain areas, like when the roofs are flat, you know, sometimes a roof is flat, but there's skylights up there. So you've got to cut around those skylights

and put fucking glue around it and wrap it. There's a certain thing the way to do it. You know, by the end of the 60 days, I knew how to do those things. Was it hard for you to learn a new trade or no? Nothing. There's no new trade out there that is hard for anybody because it's all very simple, repetitiveness,

and anybody could do a trade. It's what you're adaptable to. Like, I was never good at, like, being a mechanic. But I was always good at painting. Like, I could have done this shit with the brick walls. Once I saw them doing it, I'm like, ah, okay. Me, I was just going to go get the brick paper. Right.

And put it on the walls. I didn't know this existed. Oh, yeah, me either. I didn't know this existed like this. So see, that's how out of the hardware business I've been the last fucking 20 years. And that's, for me, that's my favorite part about a job that I like is finding stuff I like. So for you, and you like painting and stuff like that, now you know this exists. It's like, you find like a new hidden trick or something.

I love finding a trick to make my job or my life easier in something that. Like that's why when I was editing. I would spend every waking moment that I wasn't doing something in an editor's room. And it helped. It's, uh, like, I think that's probably what, because you said you would watch the,

uh, the brick mason. That's important to just watch and, and just learn. Well, I don't think that exists too much in jobs today where you could just, because you have the Mexican laborers, you know,

which I'm not saying nothing bad about him. I'm just talking the truth here. And when I worked, what they did was once you caught up with your work, they would teach you something. They would let you lay brick or let you set a line. Right, yeah, yeah. They will let you do different things, which is always very interesting to me. Listen, there's nothing like going to work. People call it, you have a couple different types of jobs.

You have assembly work. Like, I've done assembly work when I worked with those shelves and I hit the black guy with the fucking box. We used to go get them booze at once time, an edgewater. I've done assembly work. That's going to last four months in my world. Why? Because it's very, I can't do that type of shit, the same shit every day. I'll lose my fucking mind.

You know, but for some people, way in those days, they put AM radio on, they drink a little booze and they smoke two joints, and they could do fucking assembly work all day. But think of doing that for 20 years. I mean, eventually you assemble something else and they move you up the line instead of fucking putting the, the foot on, you put the eyeballs on, you know, I don't know, I don't know how it works. But I always like, uh, A, I always want to learn something.

B, I didn't mind grunt work as long as you teach me something. So I don't mind digging a trench, but teach me how to lay that pipe in there. Teach me how to lay that perforated pipe in there, how I could run it from the fucking sprinkler. You follow me? That's on a week from now, I could do that. and instead of waiting six months for a raise, I could ask for a raise at four months because I'm doing that pipe work

that you're doing for 16, I'm doing it for eight. Come on, give me two more fucking dollars, cock sucking. That's smart. I don't know. That's,

I think, I don't think there's a lot of, like, mentorship going around, which I love. Like, that's my, that's what,

when people don't like a coach or don't like someone who has, like, a more intense leadership style I love it I really respond

I respond I like that a lot I don't really I wouldn't like someone who like if you came and we're like oh well teach me how to do that on the first day no one's gonna teach you that your first day

you have to prove yourself you have to well sometimes you have to look at something being done and then you put it together and they teach you and you know how to put it together like I was walk

when I work mercy school two things there's a roof over here they're doing and they're taking their time with it you know why because they're non-union they don't have to wear hats

then there's a roof a block away and you see those motherfuckers and my wife is like, I wonder why these guys I go, look at them, what's the difference? She goes, I can't tell. I go, those guys got helmets on

and those guys don't. Those guys are non-union, the guys at the helmets of the unit. So, and do you think like the union guys charge more, probably? Oh, no, the union rates are always highest, but what I'm saying is union guys take their time. Oh.

You see what I'm saying? I thought the other guys took that time. saying why these union guys just they take 15 minute breaks the union makes them come off the roof every fucking two hours to stretch their legs meanwhile these pool of them I'm sorry I confused

you guys meanwhile the non-union little Mexicans and the one black guy up there they're up there with no shirt fucking slamming up there fucking throwing things they're drinking they're done already they did that roof in four fucking days meanwhile these union guys have been there for a month

they probably lay like 10 yards a fucking day when they could probably do 40 or 50 yards a goddamn day. That's always once I started roofing and I learned how to estimate then I looked at everything completely different. That was the weirdest thing that ever happened to me in my fucking life. Learning how to estimate? Because I went to college and through a bunch of stupid events like everybody else does. I ended up an econ major.

Okay? And that's completely one thing. That's completely one thing. That's grabs and, you know, micro and how to do this from a business. I don't even remember half the shit that is. But when I went to roof, what happened was? I got so good at whatever. I went on a few residential roofing jobs at them. So guess what I did, though?

I fucking, we used to work with Carlisle rubber. Okay, that's a good rubber. Carlisle. And then we also worked with Firestone or Good Year. I think it was a good year rubber. So I contacted those companies. This is how slick I was. And I said, do you have an estimating course?

And they go, yes, we do. I swear to God, I took both of those fucking courses. So you know everything about the product? So I know everything about the product. But I also learned man hours, materials, labor, insurance. I learned all these different fucking things. This is why sometimes you bring an idea to me. Do you remember when I was doing BOR?

reading the beast, Felice used to drive me crazy because she wanted to do the best of. Right, yeah. And sell it for a dollar or some shit. And I used to explain to her that just demand power to get that. For years, she never really understood. For years, she never really understood what I was saying. And that's what I know about. Like, that gave me a different perspective on everything.

Because you can see black and white. Oh, when I learned about estimate. Yeah. Now, every time I go to a restaurant, I count people. Yeah, because it matters. Every time I do little things, I count people. You know, I look at the manpower. It's like people in Hollywood here.

They have a manager and a fucking agent. Okay? Agents have one job and managers do the other. Every once in a while you look at your manager, you're like, what the fuck is that motherfucker doing? So if something happens, let's say you've got a TV show. and you get $10,000 for the five days. Right.

You got to send them each a thousand bucks. You don't mind send the guy who got you the job to $1,000, but the messenger, you start getting a little fucking pissed off, and that's when you look at performance versus what you're paying them. This happens in every field. We just don't look at it from that way. As soon as you come to me with something, as soon as you come to me with something,

because you're from the millennial mind with the, Well, we'll just get a new table. Well, you always get me sewn, and something about the weed you get gets my mind going. And in the worst direction ever. In the worst direction ever. He calls me to tell me YouTube is down, and he calls me the other day. Who are we going to have to get? Listen, people on Wednesday night, let me tell you something.

I have a very great comedy and podcast life because I respect the comedy and I respect the podcast both the same. And you're going, what Jerry, what does that mean? Let me fucking tell you what that means, cock suckers. That means that I do two podcasts a week. And those three nights, those two nights I do two podcasts a week. We do two hours. I do not do comedy. I do not do comedy.

I never plan nothing after these podcasts. You know what? Because I want to focus on you. I really want to focus on you guys. I never like to come in here and have a gun to my head. That's why when I call a guest and he goes, well, I got to leave at 8.30. Get it, because we don't know what time we're going to start. So why fuck around?

I don't want you looking at a fucking clock all fucking day. No. So when I leave here, once we say good night on Wednesday, I don't know nothing about a podcast ever again. I won't talk to you about the podcast of Saturday afternoon. No, you won't. It really doesn't matter to me. Do you know why?

Because I focus so much on my standard. I want their shows to be so good. I don't give a fuck about the podcast. That's it. It's over. The podcast ended. So two weeks ago, we were both really high. We ended the podcast and you go, oh, my God, I know we should put on the show some guests.

You're dead. Like, that doesn't even affect me. And people do not get that. That I have learned how to keep it. That simple technician. When I go on the road, I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't want to do a podcast. Do you understand me?

I never want to do a podcast. You wouldn't care if it was Obama. I don't give a fuck whose podcast it is. And then I get a thousand emails a week when you come to Pittsburgh, when you can. Listen, I don't want to do a podcast. This is the simple reason why, because I'm done. But it's right next to the club. I wouldn't give a fuck if it's above the hotel room.

I'm doing comedy for the weekend. It keeps my life simple. It keeps me sane. and I got fucking, that's it. I do not want to do a podcast. I will do those two fucking radio shows. They give me a Friday morning, and that's it. That's all I want to fucking do.

I don't want to do dick because I don't want to mix and match. It's not worth it to me. You can come pick me up Saturday, and we've got to drive 30 minutes, then I've got to meet your family, I got to meet your dog and the goat, and then some fucking creepy guy in your studio wants to smoke dope with me, so I got to sit there and avoid him with the fucking cough and the wooden foot. And then we do it for an hour and a half.

I don't know anybody fucking there. And then on the way home, he wants to stop. So now it's four hours out of my fucking Saturday. I got two shows, because. I got two shows. I got to stand there for two fucking hours. I got to be there for three and I got to take pictures afterwards and stuff. I ain't doing no fucking podcast.

Once I get back from that radio, Friday 11, you don't see me no more. Nobody sees me. I'm a ghost. I never see you. No, I go to the gym. I go to a completely there. Listen, if your restaurant is in a fucking walking distance from the hotel, you're kaputz.

I don't give a fuck if you serve John Kennedy, the best fucking mashed potato. It's got nothing to do it. But people refuse to understand that about me. Like, I just don't give a fuck. I really don't want to do anything. Like, that's why I respect the podcast. And when I'm here, I don't do contours. I do comedy.

Tomorrow and I got two sets. You know, but that's completely different. I'm off. I'm trying to tune up material for the fucking week and get my shit together. You know what I'm saying? Lisa, yeah.

I was watching, there's this guy on social media. He used to do a wine show, but now he just does regular social media stuff. His name is Gary Vaynerchuk, but he had this video about, like, staying in his lane, and I immediately thought of you.

Like, you don't really try, you don't really do a lot of, like, guest projects or like you do what you do and you do it because you do it well like it's you don't really test the waters you don't do like plays or like I never really see you with those kind of projects listen man I've done everything there is to do here and I know what's going to get your head

what you're wasting your fucking time with what you're wasting your fucking time with because I've been here 19 years I've seen all the fucking I'm shooting my own pile those dumb fucks I'm gonna shoot a pilot and take it to the studio they'll buy it okay you know I've seen all the

fucking shoot my own special and sell it to HBO I've seen all those guys we did it you know I've seen all those guys you see the different things and you see how they attack it and you say to yourself if I did that same thing

how would I attack it to make it different you know what that's not gonna work either I won't do something like that. I believe in when you do something, you do it. When you do something, you do it. Three years ago, I joined Jiu-Jitsu this month. I'm still a white belt with three stripes. I'm not good at all.

Do you know why? Because instead of going to a school that fit my fucking needs, I went to a school that was closer to me, and then I realized I couldn't make it. So I had to go to three different places to make the fucking vague. and at the long time, and at the end of the day, all I did was spinning my fucking wheels.

I've learned more at Alberta's in four fucking months I did in two and a half years in other places. But we all do that with certain situations in our lives. When it comes to the podcast, I ain't spending my fucking wheels. I knew five years ago

would need to be done. I was watching Marin, I was watching Rogan, and I was watching Corolla. And still today, I still see it. certain way. I did a play. I did a play and I got fired. Why did you get fired from the play? It was a horror show. Was it a musical or a play? First of all, plays don't pay in L.A.

Really? Yeah, there's no theater here in L.A. horrible. I thought in the back of my fucking my, like my wife said to me, she goes, once a year, you get wiped for a month. I thought that if I got into a play, people come to see. me my acting would improve because it's one month continually or six or seven weeks yeah it's like a mini camp you know so I got a call one day from somebody this was like I didn't know I had no I just realized I said to myself one day home I should do a play and then I got a call from New York City Lincoln Center they were doing a play and they wanted me to go down there as a fireman it was like a musical and I'm like that's not going to work you're not really much of a singer

I didn't know if they wanted me to be a singer I don't know if they really wanted me to be a singer But then I was like maybe I would do a play And I got a call this has to be Maybe 2008 That long ago? Wow Yeah so it's six two You haven't seen these fucking creepos

I've seen the one idiot from the play Now I get to play and it's a play about a Greek barbershop And I play a gangster There hangs in there and takes book, and there's another gangster hangs in there. I don't even know what the... Rehearsals were every day from 9 to 10.30. Had to be on Vermont. But I lived in Hollywood, so it was okay.

It's not like I lived in the Valley. An hour and a half every day? Every day. Monday through Friday. And then the weekends I was off. I canceled like two weeks of work. And I rehearsed. I stuck to it.

I was there on time every day. I brought my own wardrobe. This went on for about five weeks. And then shit started cracking on this set. The guy was arguing with one guy and then the other guy. Then something happened that he yelled at somebody one day. The guy was out of control. And, you know, at the end of the day, the guy had never done nothing.

The guy had never done it. These guys are bumps. Bums. I'm sitting there. I know more in the guy. guy. I'm like, why is he standing over there? The people over there. Like, I knew all these blocking things. He didn't fucking know. But I didn't raise my hand at all. I never said none. It wasn't my play. It wasn't my fucking play. So I don't give a fuck. Well, one day,

something happens with one of the guys that's a sweetheart. And I just go, hey, man, this guy's a sweetheart. You can't talk to my thing. He goes, if you don't like it, you could leave too. And I felt like smacking the guy, but I go, you know what? He just gave me an opportunity to get the fuck out of you. I don't want to do this play anyway. and he kept my name on the bill and people would show up and then call me and go that play was fucking horrible.

I think it lasted three weeks. So was it after the longest juror? Yes, yes. I thought I was doing something to improve. I wasn't going to do nothing for me. Listen, listen, nothing changes in your career until you say it's going to change.

You follow them saying to you? Kind of, but I don't know where it happens. If you look at my IMDB, I did some fucking big-time shit from 99 to 2007. You look at my fucking IMDB, and you see I did some fucking big-time movies. I did some big-time TV shows. You know, it was non-stop for me because I hustled like a mom. Mother fuck. I would drop off envelopes.

I got breakdowns. I fucking worked. And there's shit that's still not on there. There's at least 10 more movies that aren't on there. Oh, there's tons of... Tons. Tons. All right.

So you started in... Oh, my God. What? 98. Baseball. Yeah, basketball. 18 Wheels of Justice. That's a funny show.

American Gun. NYPD. Blue, analyze that. Dickie Roberts, ER, Cold Case, Longover, SvU. Now, look at those titles. Keep reading. Those are all good shows. Spider-Man 2. Taxi.

The Longest Yard. 2005. 18 Fingers of Death. Let's see how I met your mother. Everybody hates Chris. Smiley face. Okay. Right around Smiley Face.

is where it started going downhill. Smiley faces 2006, 2007. But I shouted in December of 2006. I was still going for auditions then. But then, during my name is Earl, something happened. The strike? The strike killed fucking everything. Nobody knew what they were going to do.

People were panicking. I was heartbroken because I had done five episodes of Earl up to that part. and now pilot season was here and I was going to be on the show they were going to still do the the next seven episodes were all in the prison also oh no

yeah I had the luck of a lizard guys and I was a little cracked you know I didn't know I thought that being on that fucking Earl show even if it was one scene a week Garcia was taking great care of me he was calling me down like come on down dog can you be in two hours

yeah come on down this should have seen with us Like it was that type of shit But the strike killed me, Lee And I started panicking So now read the resume All right, so then you go to Freak TV My Life at 26

One Hogan Place Wizards of Ways that Waverly plays Spoiler Maker Uh the deported Nothing Nothing none of that movies were any good Keep going The dog who saved Christmas vacation

Stonerville Well, I started doing the dog that saved Christmas in 2006. You did the Mendelist? No, at 2008. Yeah, the mentalist of 2009, correct? I was already in the Valley. 11. 2011.

I was already in the Valley. All right. Then something happened. I kept getting hit up for about eight months. Hey, we're doing this movie for YouTube, and I would do it. Or I would read the script. And then I kept getting all those other ones. The one you just said, not 26, but something after that.

There was like two movies I did. The Jersey Shore, Shark Attack. Before that. Taking it. Leader of the Pack. Cinnamon. Yeah, all those. All those fucking things. Leader of the Pack was about, it was the guys from whatever they didn't want to pay.

You got a TV show. Then I found out they got a deal and a holding deal. For a year, I kept hitting a guy. guy up and that's when I started getting pissed off that these people that you do favors for are fucking creepy like when they call you up and they go hey I got this great scene for you and don't it don't pay hang up the phone hang up the phone those are the people that fuck you the most yeah the people who suddenly don't have money even though they're driving the BMW yeah they're the ones that fuck you the more we don't have us we don't have it but NBC

thought that and they always get you with that Dana whatever wants you to care and I'm Like, God damn it. Gotta be there at 6 in the fucking morning. That's fucked up. And I made a decision on that. I said, you know what? I ain't doing those no more. I had some dudes stroking me.

He wanted to do some TV show and the pitch. And then he introduced me to the investors. And the investors were also going to be in the episodes. And I'm like, oh, this is going to blow. Then I had these other dudes who want to do an MMA show. Then I had these other dudes who were going to do a web series, and they had the dude from fucking the social network. Jesse Eisenberg?

Yeah. It was all bullshit. They had nothing. You know what I'm saying? On one day, I'm sitting and I go, you know what? That's it. I'm not doing none of this shit no more. I'm not even going to meetings with them.

I'm not even going to meet them. If I don't see a fucking breakdown, I'm not doing dick. I'm not doing dick. That's it. I'm sticking to my phone. fucking guns. And a breakdown is the listing of the... Yeah, and for the next 90 days every fucking week. Hi, Joey. We have this thing we're doing about mobsters. No. Hey, Joey. How much? Nothing.

It's just about the not. Not. Not. No. Forget it. Get the fuck out of here. And guess what happened after 90 days? And you know what? Lee? It broke my fucking heart. There was this one script I read. And it was about a salesman. his son. Okay. And how this guy went across, you know, California and it was just, he was just a loser. He was drinking and doing drugs and his son lived in the car with him. And it was a three-day shoot for the UCLA thing.

And it was going to go to this music theater, this festival, you know, and I told to the truth. I said, so how much? And they're like, we'd give you 150 for three days. And I go, where are we shooting it? And they go, we're shooting at four hours from here. And I go, you're paying for the hotel? No.

I go, you guys want to give me one 50 with no hotel and no gas and no meals, Lee? She goes, well, don't feed your pizza on this set. Lee, I really wanted to do this because I was going to use it as a real. I really wanted to do this. But it was Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and all day Monday. I've been involved in those They were disasterly And then you have to fork out

$400 for a hotel $400 for a hotel And I called her up like a man I said listen I'm not doing it She even cursed me out the girl She goes Ah you hold you held this on a row for two weeks Hey man I had to think about it

It's a beautiful script You're gonna miss out You'll see I looked it up About three months ago How's it doing on the Vimeo? Oh my God 74 views.

It had 390 fucking views. That's better than I'm not. Because that's what happens to these people. And a lot of people are hung on with Joey, that's kind of me. Let me tell you what happens, people. They come to you with a bunch of fucking bullshit just to get you to shoot the movie. And then after the movie is done, they call you a month later and go, hey, do you know anybody we could sell this to? And you're like, no.

You told me you did. Well, my cousin's boyfriend quit, you know, and you're like, ah. And they're like, listen, we're thinking of just releasing. on YouTube. And now I'm on fucking YouTube and you're like, I don't want to fucking be on YouTube. Not for $150. No. Not for anything.

And you know what happened? Lee? I held out for a year and a half. Nothing really big happened in my life. And also one day I got a shot call to be in a Denaro movie. So me holding out showed me that that's what you do. Sometimes against your own

fucking, because once you make a fucking law for yourself, you have to stick to it. The first time you go away from that, you're going to get fucked in the ass. It always happens. The first time you like if you say to yourself, you know what, my rate's going to be $6.50.

$6.50. And some guy comes to you, well, how about six? That's the day you get fucked. How about I give you six on a Sunday? And you're like, okay, I'll take the six on the Sunday. Bam! That's the day you get fucked. Anything that changes your original

train of thought. And you know like five minutes into the situation. I know five minutes into the situation. You're like, oh, fuck, I shouldn't have done this. But when I looked up that movie, it was so fucking bad. And I emailed. You know me, though. You should have just commented on the video.

No, no, no, I would never do it. I emailed and said I watched that video. Thank God. I didn't do that. I looked up that festival they said they were going to be in it. I looked it up for the past three years. They didn't get in it. I told you.

I told you. You hold the grudge. You look it up over here. Really because I don't like people wasting fucking people's time. No. And lying to them in this town. They lie to you. They fucking blatantly lie to your fucking face and say, hey, I have a guy at NBC that, listen, I got a call.

Where did I go before? Indianapolis. I got a call from a certain fucking jerk off. that has a gym now. Okay? So he calls me to tell me that he's putting together the show. It's a TV show. The producer already sold the show,

and he wants to do a show with me, blah, blah, blah, blah. If I could stop by his stupid fucking gym. You know, and I'm like, who's, I was going to be in the show. And he tells me. the UFC guy that's going to be in the show, and I'm like, oh, boy. And he tells me how many episodes they bought already, and all they're going to do is start shooting. You know what? I called the guy on Monday.

I didn't go down. I said, listen, I'm around. I'm here this week until Wednesday. And in the following week, the week I was supposed to go up there with dice, I go around all week. Let me know, I'll go to Sony with you. He called back. He's like, yeah, you know, it's not going to be much money at first. I go, well, how much is it going to be?

You know, he told me where we're shooting and all that. And I go, how much is it going to be? And he goes, well, it's going to be like, we're going to split $300 a week. And I was like, number one, I can't drive down there for two fucking days a week when I'm home. You know, I can't do it. Not for $100. Yes. No, no, no, no.

I go, you got to go with a different fucking dude. He called me back. He's like, you're really disappointed. me. Hey, let. Listen, man, I got a wife and a fucking kid. If I helped everybody, I'd be fucking dead. I couldn't fucking feed them.

I couldn't feed them. I did all the favors I did. The first 10 years I was here. I got taken. Like I told you, I got taken. People took me, man. You do these things. They tell you it's going to go somewhere,

and then you never hear from them again. Isn't it awkward sometimes when you do hear from them? And they're like, they want to do it again? Have you ever heard someone? Oh, all the time. All the time. That takes a lot of balls to be like, hey, I know I did it last time, but I won't do it this time. No, well, they call you with a different beat.

I did this movie, The Raging Bull. It was the whatever the fuck it is, De Niro's movie, but only without De Niro. They did it, and they're in litigation. They're in litigate. Like, the movie's been released. I shot this movie. Remember with you? I brought the video when you edited the video.

Oh, yeah. You were editing. You edited the video for me in the beginning. So that's what, four years ago? Yeah. It still hasn't been released. Every fucking week, he puts it up on IMDB with a re-release. But do you know he hits me up with an email once a month about a new script he's got?

I don't even, I just delete it. Lee, I got real fucking things in front of my house. And he keeps sending emails? Yeah, listen. You just go delete. Lee, man, listen, Lee, I get fucking 30,000 emails of fucking week. with I don't know what the hell is I high for them. I don't see my agent's name, your name, my wife's name, they get deleted.

You understand? I don't even look out. Bing, bang, bang. You know, the other day, I happened to look at my text messages. I don't understand why people are so dumb. Why people are so dumb. I just love, like, that's your whole thing. You're like, I don't understand what they're saying.

I don't understand what they're saying. So I just delete them. I just fucking run right down the text thing. I don't know. open them, I don't care. And I see, hi, I have a new open mic and Hollywood glink. I don't give a fuck guy. If you don't call me, you want to get.

And they don't even introduce themselves. Those morons are the best. I don't even open them, Lee. You think I open them. I read the first line on top. I press and then delete and it's all over. Have you ever had one where someone's had the wrong name? Someone said, hey, Brian.

So I know they sent that email the red band too. I was like, oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no. They don't, no, no, no. You never get, but, um. I get those stupid things from Segorah, that fucking Mo Mo, and, uh, one day, triply did it with those group emails. Oh, the group text, you don't like that? That's when I motherfucked, everybody on the group text.

It's hysterical. Fuck you. Your mother sucks dick. They go crazy. Don't you ever fucking include me in a group text again? If it. I miss your old old voice, man. Why don't you have that anymore?

Because I'm a fucking adult. I can't be telling people to go fuck themselves. Now I got them captivated. They don't know who it is. Where's Tony Bennett, cuck? Oh, shit. Crickily. To pick out the pieces.

Uh-oh. When somebody... Fucked up, Jack on a Monday night. Some, somebody twice as smart as I... who will swear to... So I opened up the day by fucking passing out today. What?

Classic. Only... It started fucking Friday. I was talking to a friend of mine, and I told him I was going to have the nose surgery. And he said to me, haven't you seen my pictures when I had the nose surgery? I said, not really.

He goes, oh, yeah, I took pictures and videos with me pulling the cotton out and pulling it back in. Why would you take videos of that? And as I'm, to show people how easy it is, I don't know what the fuck you was saying. So this is already starting to creep me out. So Friday, I'm already starting to get creeped out over the weekend about, you know, just stupid shit. You know, like this fucking, you know, I took the surgery was non-invasive and you're walking around and now people are like, oh, for three days, it's hell. You can't breathe.

You're choking the death. I don't need this shit in my life. I have anxiety fucking walking upstairs when I can't. can't breathe out of my nose. So I'm all right, Friday, after I get off the phone with this lunatic. Saturday, I'm okay. Love you, buddy. Then Sunday I go home, and I take a nap, and I play with the baby.

And last night I'm watching fucking, what is it, 60 minutes? Sure. And they're talking about a mild cancer, the brain cancer from what you go out, right? And they don't stop brain cancer. And they show like it's promised. There's that. And all of a sudden it takes a turn and people fucking drop in dead. They're getting fat.

How many stars have you eaten at this point? Last night. When you were watching this cancer. Three or four. Three or four. I'm sorry. Thank you for bringing that up. That's what got me. Yeah.

Now I'm watching this shit. And all of a sudden he goes, yeah. So in this case, they put a caffeine in his head. And when they pull it out, it burst of blood vessel. And blood was everywhere. And I'm sitting there going, oh, my God. I can't believe I'm going to faint here watching this on the couch. So finally, I'll breathe myself out of this one.

I doctor-beliefed myself out of this room. I'm sitting there. And who fucking calls me? Dean Delwright. And I go, wait, you ready? I'm at the store of the cancer benefit. I go, what the fuck is this shit with cancer tonight? I changed the channel.

I put something fucking else on. So, okay, so I go to bed last night with this fucking little anxiety of cancer and the other idiot with my nose. So this morning I'm sitting there. It's about five afternoon. I'm thinking about going to 10 o'clock Jiu-Jitsu. I'm sitting there. I had breakfast at 8.30.

That gave me plenty of time. 10 o'clock Jiu-Jitsu is a little bit more physical. They make you pick a punching bags and run up walls and all that shit. But if you don't show up, you're never going to show up, you know. But something wasn't right. I didn't have anxiety. I'm sick and tired of hearing that word. I didn't have that.

Something just wasn't rightly. And I sit on the couch. Mercy is in the living. And all of a fucking sudden, the phone rings. And I look at him, it's an old friend. I pick up the phone, I go, what's up, dog? He goes, nothing. Listen, how you doing?

We start talking. You know, we've been playing phone tag me and this guy. This is a friend of mine from, not even North Bergen. I know this guy from fucking Colorado and all that shit. He's living in Miami now. So we're talking. He goes, hey, man, are you going to be down here? somebody said you might be coming to a casino i go no i was thinking about going but they gave me

the week of july 15th i ain't going to miami july 15th he's like fuck you i don't blame me he goes that's the week i go to maine or something i don't fucking know so we started talking and he goes that would have been good you know what i anyway i go listen i'm getting that the other reason why i can't go is i'm getting no surgery and he goes you're getting the rhinoplasty and he fucking starts telling me how his wife's sister had it and it's fucking bloody and there's towels and shit's coming out of his nose and it's like you got you know when are you flying after he goes to give yourself time because there's a lot of shit you can't do but he just described the gorse coming out of your nose and now's too much oh my god it was like I looked at the clock

and I look at the call him like a listen door I get off the phone I get off the phone I'm sitting there And now I'm breathing. I'm doing Dr. Belize shit. I'm breathing out of my nose, really expanding my stomach. And I'm breathing. I'm breathing. I'm fucking, and I get up a little bit, and I take my jacket off. I had a hood of sweatshirt, because I get that immediate heat.

You know, now I'm breathing. I'm breathing. I'm breathing until Terry, Terry comes over. Because when I get you something, I go, get me your water. Let me get some water in me. I drink a little fucking water in me. Now I'm still fucking feeling terrible. Terry goes, hold on.

I get you a towel. she comes back into the room with the Mercy's little towel. Didn't do dick to me with not even real cold water. But I got so aggravated. That's what happens to me, you know. But this time, sometimes I get aggravated and that takes me out of the Zoom. This time I had gray on top of me. And Mercy ran to me and just punched me in the stomach.

And at that point right there, she was just playing with me. You know, she was going to jump on top of me because I always make believe I'm napping. And that's what I was doing. I had my head back. So she's like, Daddy, wake up. And I'm like, I am awake. But I was really passing out. And Lee, it went up an extra notch.

And all of a sudden, I felt the skunk come out of me. That means my whole body perspirates. Like you feel your whole body just go pop. Like it's an anxiety-type sweat. Like, it's an anxiety-based sweat. I don't think I've ever had that. Oh, my God. Lee is fucking horrible.

And you're at that point, when that skunk comes out, you're about five minutes from passing out if you don't get yourself out of this predicament. So wait, so do we, I don't know if you ever discussed it. Did you take stars? Because you said, thank you for bringing it up,

but then... I took stars last night. Okay, okay. So maybe last night, while she, you know, I was watching this, the stars fucked it up a little bit. But this morning,

I was straight as an arrow. Oh. I was straight as an arrow. It was 9.05. I had smoked pot. I had smoked a little pop, But I was straight. No reason for me to have that reaction to my friend telling me that.

It just carried over from Friday and it carried over from Sunday night. And oh my God, all of a sudden, my T-shirt was wet, the back of my hair was wet. Everything was wet. Like, I just start personally. You just start sweating. And I kept, I breathed myself out of it. I kicked my shoes off. I just laid back.

Mercy kept jumping on me. And I just told Terry I got to go on and lay down And I went in and lay down until about 11.30 And that was it. That's why my hair was all fucked up when I came here. The reason why I was angry because I came in, because I just went outside to get there. Then Terry goes, hold on, watch Mercy.

I'm going to go upstairs and get crab cakes. Next, you know, Mercy wanted to get the bike and come down here. I'm sitting here thinking about my day. And now I haven't done Dick. I sent maybe two emails before 8.30 or something. I still hadn't done dick. Right. So that's why I went home this afternoon.

I even did kettlebells this afternoon. What would you do? I did five sets of ten swings. Nice. I did three sets of one-arm swing. I did three sets of five on each side cleans. Okay. And I did those things where you go and then pop up with the bell upside down,

and then you super set it with squats. So I did five and five three times. That's it, because I want to do it. I don't want to go to Jitsu tomorrow. I don't want to be fucking super sore. I broke a little sweat and that was it. I'm having a real fucked up time with my snatches. I just can't get it. It's like, it's frustrating. Keep practicing them. He always gets you out of there with those fucking snatches. You know what I'm saying? He always, he'll keep working on you with those snatches. Something that you mentioned earlier today. I don't know people across the country. You fucking read this the other day. I read a really disturbing article about Woody Allen. I guess he went.

The other night, which I don't know nothing about people. That's not my world. I just woke up the other morning. This was on CNN. And I found it interesting. So when I got to Sacramento, I read the accusations online. That is fucking. And there's people that have, what do you call that, boycott the work with him?

But there's some people who don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I mean, so he married Sunni, he adopted. Listen, again, folks, there's some shit I know about. There's some shit I do not know about. Remember I called you up and we were talking about Sunni? It was it me and you? So this Sunni, he adopted her? From the little knowledge I have, yes, him and his wife adopted her.

Maybe his wife did. Maybe that was the thing. Maybe his wife adopted her. Now, did he molest her, or he just? married her one day. He just fucking raised her. Oh my God. This is crazy. I've never heard abuse allegations, but it would be crazy

to think there wasn't something weird going on. But then the other daughter, Mia Farrow's other daughter. Yeah. Like a while ago had accusations, right? Or was it just this weekend? Well, I guess the brother talks some shit. But Woody Allen is looking a little creepier and fucking ever now. Like, now it's starting to catch up. And I read this stuff. And I'm like, I wonder

if they went after to Cosby, will they go after this fucking guy? But what he was explaining in his article, the son, was the media, the publicist team that he has, the publicity team he has, gets everything fucking cleaned up. Like he couldn't, the Times didn't want it. The Times didn't believe her

and some other newspaper or some other publication didn't believe her that she had done it, even though they had proof and they took the lie, they took the test, and a bunch of crazy shit, how he had these people. It's like Cosby stuff, tell us stuff. You know, that people saying we don't believe it.

I just can't believe what's happened in this country over the last 20, 30 years. You know what I mean? I tried really hard in my life not to fucking sell myself. Really fucking hard. In more ways than one, I always worked really fucking hard, you know. And I believe that there's people who make mistakes.

You know, like I did, you know, like I made a mistake. And I believe that there's people who make bigger mistakes, you know. And like I always accepted if somebody didn't want to hang out with me. You know, as a child, when my mother got arrested, and in one of the articles I said about cocaine, I lost 50% of my friends. Just because in the article about your mom, I didn't mention cocaine. Yeah, just when I would live in North Bergen, in the eighth grade, seventh grade, the second time. And my mother got arrested.

I lost 50% of my friends downtown. I remember three specifically, that one guy that told me to my face, but like a year later, I can't go to your house. My dad read that article. How did that make you feel? Like shit.

Like that. I never said nothing to my mother. I felt like shit about it. But then when I got arrested and I came out in Boulder and 80 fucking seven, oh my God, you have no idea how many people stopped talking to me when I was out on bail.

When you walk up to people and they just look the other way? Or like, what would happen? People avoided me. That were my friends. People avoided me that I was doing coke with. Like, those are the ones that really got me. I could tell the fucking people who were Gentiles.

You know, I'm a felon. I had a machine gun. I understand. That I understand. It was the people that I did coke with. Didn't know what time it was? They were crazy like me. But there was a couple people

hung and my friends. Mike Kessler stuck by me. Jim Wheeler stuck by me. I don't know where he is. God bless his all. If he's dead, I love Jim Wheeler from Detroit, Michigan. There was a couple people in Boulder who really stuck by me, but for the most part, 60

percent of those people in Boulder ran the other fucking direction. And is it, do you think it's because of what you did, or do you think it's just any felony? Like anything, any reason going to jail? Well, I think it's both. I think It's just the felony part and also the machine gun, the fucking handcuffs.

You know, I think that that people heard that and said, this kid's a little fucking crazy. Were you? Yes. But then why did people like Jim Wheeler and Mike Kessler? And there was this fucking guy I met when I was in the halfway house. I used to walk on 28-seat to my apartment or walk to work. and he was a fat jolly guy from England and I used to talk to him

three days a week as I would walk he'd be outside looking for customers and we'd talk a little bit and I told him I was in the halfway house and we laughed him and I became friends for like 10 years he never judged me and he was the whitest guy ever

but he was English him and his wife were white fucking people like they didn't curse nothing I always was amazed and I was always very honest of people right off the bat when I met him because I didn't want somebody else to tell them in Boulder. I mean, I wouldn't tell

him right away. Hi, Joe, I'm a felon. No, I would get to know him. If they matter in my life, I'd talk to him about it. You know? Even after I got into beefs with John Ball and my wife, Kathy Ball, like when I was allowed to pick up the baby,

even I had the widest dude in the world, Joe Koch, from the bagel place in Mississippi, he would pick her up from me. He believed in me. You know, there were so many people that really fucking believed in me, man. But that part of when people get in trouble, how people avoid

you, it hurts. Because you can't believe it's bad. But I don't know if they're doing it to Woody Allen and that. There are obviously some people who have spoken out against it, but the thing is, he makes a movie every year.

They do well. They get seen. They'll usually get nominated for like an Oscar or something so the actors are like well we don't give a fuck yeah fucking he's not gonna do it on the set but it's uh yeah it is a weird like have have have you ever been offered a woody allen movie or have you ever audition oh yeah all the time they call me every two weeks what he's doing another one would you like to sing and dance in this one woody doesn't know i fucking exist all right you know maybe i send him a big baby picture of me or something.

He wants me to fuck back. I don't fucking know. No. Are you crazy? I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of Jewish people who won't do, who won't watch any,

uh, Mel Gibson movie. Like, my mom just won't. And so there's people who, who have, like, a lot of,

like, there's a lot of people who have, like, like, the Red Sox pitcher, Rickard Schilling just got kicked off of ESPN for being, like, super right wing and,

you have to make those decisions I guess and what do you say something about trannies Kurt Chilling said a whole bunch of messed up shit he said stuff about trannies he's done some about like whatever the refugees I'm pretty sure

he's pretty he's really right way and they fire them ESPN yeah but he's always been fucking crazy Kurt Schilling he always talks crazy shit for years even when he pitched he did some craziness I like him I like him because he wants to be

I really don't know what his fucking views Yeah I know you like him like me Because you don't know what the fuck is views And no let me get some shoutouts We'll get the fuck out of here Uh newbie love Newby one love Congrats on the beautiful baby

Oh yeah Cute little baby Lauren Rosenker Ethan Buzzett Paul Island Mia Ray Green Brady Ferguson Clinton Cash podcast

Carl Catherine and the one-by-one podcast with my main man, Mikey. Also, I want to thank my girl, Jennifer Jones. She showed up Thursday night and brought me some lemon cookies and some gorilla fucking dots and some beautiful scarves

and a beautiful husband. My man Carlos Trujillo made a little picture from, I didn't bring it down here until you're going to love it. And then this other guy made these fucking sketches for us, Lisa, you were an angel. Oh, is the panda, the panda dude?

Is that his Twitter? I don't know. I didn't find any paperwork in the bag. I'm pretty sure. Because he put on an Instagram, right? It's like you and me. He drew, right? And you're on the left hand, on the right hand side.

Yeah. Like wings and you're floating. I have to check. I think it's an Instagram. And then that's something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great, Sacramento. That's a great little time.

Now, you were telling me before, on the walk in here, you were talking about the graduate. What the fuck happened to the following? Yeah. It wasn't just, it wasn't an annoying, but this was the first graduation

that I've been to that wasn't mine, really. And it's been, I graduated in 2011, so it's been five years. And, like,

the whole time was just how great you are. You're going to be amazing. You're on your way. This call, like, it's half of the, of the,

of the graduation is, like an advertisement for the college to everyone who's not there. Like, it's always like, they said the school has the best faculty in the world. And I was just sitting there, like, they're lying to these people.

Like, they're just like, like, especially with law school, apparently, like, the, it's not just graduate and get a job anymore for a lot of people.

There's people who are, who go unemployed for six, seven years. And it's, I, we've talked about that, a while ago about how people have all these expectations, I think,

now coming out of high school and college, and I think that's part of where it comes from. I think we're being lied to. I don't know why, but... How many people graduating all together, you think? 400. How long was it? Three hours, I think.

Oh, Jesus Christ. And here's... It was just, it was a little... I don't know what the, what they used it for, but there was, like, 200 of them were, like, international students who got like this like masters of law degree which isn't like they're like from France and like Japan and stuff

so I don't know what they need it for but that's not that's on the point but it was just like your mercy's gonna it's gonna be fucked up when mercy gets to college like unless there's a major overhaul she's gonna have to like start playing piano now

so let me ask you something the graduation itself you were saying that it was like a big advertising Yeah. What do you mean? Like the hard, there was on a screen like, No, come here or just USC law school and all this shit.

Well, it was just, um, obviously there was a lot of like signs and stuff, but what I meant was just, and you see it, it was at my college graduation. It was in my high school graduation. They always just say with, with all this amazing faculty at the school that we have here.

And like, it just, it was a very odd experience. Just actually like getting the, he listened. knew it from having like no connection to it. And I just, I think that's where people get, like, they don't real pumped up. Like they're, like, they're going to go right into the most, like, there's people buying houses.

There's a lot of people my age buying houses now. And it scares the shit out of me. Well, they're buying a house. Obviously, they got the down payment. Obviously, you got the fucking down payment, the money for the car and money for insurance and the loan. So why wouldn't you give them a car? Why wouldn't you give them a house? Obviously, they don't know about a nut.

They don't know that you want to be established. Or maybe they have a mother and a father. They'll back them if something happens to it. That's also true. That's the fucking other thing. You know, it makes it seem like these guys are just going to, coming out of your age and buying a fucking home with no security, then they're in for a fucking big surprise.

Unless the banks are fucking advertising for that to sink these kids right out of college. with a lower interest rate or something, which I could see them doing, you know, buy a house now, but, you know, don't you have all this debt? Don't you have all this school debt? So how much is a house in fucking USC? $800,000, I doubt they're going to give you a fucking house up there.

Yeah, you'd think not. I mean, the average home in California is $500,000. That's $200,000. That's it. I thought I was going to see. I was going to close to a million. Wow, I think the average, like, you get a house in Sherman Oaks for half a month.

million dollars so what is the down payment on the home 10% 10 20% 10% is 50% is 50 fucking thousand if it's a half a mill and can you get that as a loan or no no you have to put that down and closing costs and fees and fucking inspections and fucking pipe inspections and roof inspections oh please it's a fucking nightmare so each house is 315 for the inspection Let's say you look at eight houses You already adopt 20 fucking 600 In inspections Oh, because you have to inspect every house

Yeah What if you buy a fucking Fugazi The house is about to fall apart And here you all having parties With bitches And the liver And the ceiling falls down And you get sued by 18 motherfuckers

Or something It's a scam You know, I feel bad Because of the fucking scams I feel bad You know, I don't know What the job market is Lee I don't know.

I get percentages. Who the fuck really knows? Because they don't really have the figures because of the immigration figures. Well, half of these jobs are illegal immigrants. At some point or another, you have to assume. Yeah, there's people like that. But then there's also whenever they say, like the unemployment goes down, there's just a lot of people who just can't claim unemployment anymore.

And they just stop booking for work. So it's not like they have jobs. so it's kind of a weird I just wish that your wife does well that she takes this thing seriously that she jumps on it you know the first five or six years

it's fucking hell it's like anything else but it doesn't matter she's 24 years old but the time she gets dirty she's got everything she needs she's comfortable she does it the right way the loans are paid off she's fine

yeah in theory You'd hope so. That's it. Six fucking years, the loan should be paid off. And the loans won't mean, listen, it's like the man said, $6,000 could be a lot of money or it could be a little money. That's all up to you. It really is up to you.

That number's up to you at the end of the day. That's why I never liked, I never like walking into a job, and they said $10 an hour. Because all I'm going to make a month is $1,600 a month. I want options. Give me $8 an hour and 10 points on my back end if I sell fucking more books than lease I at. So every month I could grow as an individual. Right.

That's what I always want to do is grow. Okay, this month I only made $1,200. Next month I'm going to make $1,400. The month after that, I'm going to make $1,600. Then the month after that, I'm going to make $3,000 a month for the next three months. And you make little fucking goals. But for you just to take a job for $10 an hour and that, it. I never understood that.

So now she graduates. I hope that these kids know what the fuck. It's hard out there. And you're just not going to send resumes off the fucking, because that's what everybody else is doing. It's tough. It's tough all over, man. I get calls every two days from people who can't find acting

work. Thank God. I don't depend on acting work for a fucking living. Because there's no money in any way. There's never been money in it for me. They don't pay me. So thank fucking God, I always had stand up or something else or something else.

Who the fuck knows? Let's smoke this bone and get the fuck out of you. How are you feeling? You're not even that high. 7.50. I'm pretty fucking high. You don't look that high. I need to eat another store. I'll take it off the ball. I think another star. I just want to hang out with Lee tonight. It's May 15th, May

16th, mid-bunt. We got a guest Wednesday tonight. Me and Lee, we're going to fucking do this and that. I said, Lee, what the fuck? Let's have a chit-chat. Let's re-equine ourselves with beautiful fucking people listen to the show. We might have something to say. We might not have something to fucking say.

Who the fuck gives the shit anymore? You people know where our heart is. Right or wrong, Lisa. Yeah, what the fuck? You're sitting there like a moment. Look at the year. Give me the sheet today. You're sitting there all fucked up.

I had a great time last week in Sacramento. You people were great this weekend. Pittsburgh. The stars of death are in root right now. You understand me? There's a UPS driver scratching his head thinking there's a beautiful day that'll be alive.

Meanwhile, they're going to stop them and the dogs and the sniff them out and go there's something in that fucking man. That's your worst nightmare. Now, I got three different packages. You mold me.

I sent three different meals. So I'm going to. I'm waiting for this, fuck, I'm talking about it here. I'm trying to figure it out. My ears are all itchy and stuff like that. I'm not waiting for nothing. You know what I'm waiting for?

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